Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Vastrina Stripe Front Pencil Skirt

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1. Uber

2. Am I out of touch if I address a woman in France as Mademoiselle __________ in a cover letter that I am sending with an agreement (hard copy)? I want to be as professional and courteous as possible, but also don’t want to come off as a dumb American.

   1. That’s fine. In French, Madame is used if married or Mademoiselle if not. There’s no ‘Ms.’ equivalent in widespread use (one exists it’s just never used).

      1. I would argue that “Madame” is now the rough equivalent of “Ms.”

   2. Unless you know she’s unmarried, I think it’s safer to use Madame (can be abbreviated Mme.) I don’t think the Mrs./Miss analogy is a great one, because Madame is sort of a general catch-all for women whose marital status you don’t know (which is not true of Mrs. in English). Mademoiselle is also a bit more old-fashioned, and Madame is considered more PC/equal, even for unmarried women.

   3. I disagree with Anonymous. I default to Madame in all professional correspondence (unless I’m 100% confident that the recipient is unmarried, or is quite young).

      1. Agree with this. I presumed that she knew receiver was unmarried so she proposed Mlle. but on re-read – that’s not explicit in OP’s post.

      2. Yup, absolutely. I worked in France for a few years, and it was Madame for any woman in a professional context, no matter their age.

   4. I was told you should address all professional women as Madame, regardless of marital status. Mademoiselle has a cutesy, juvenile connotation that is inappropriate, particularly in masculine professions like law.

   5. I’m a native French speaker and I’d use Madame, unless you’re talking to a young woman (think high school or college).

   6. Yes. Mademoiselle is only used for children nowadays. Madame is for adults.

   7. In Germany, the default for an adult woman is “Frau” (Mrs.) instead of “Fraulein” (Miss). In the last decade or so, even unmarried adult women use Frau and Fraulein is reserved for children.

      I did a quick Google search for usage in France and it appears that France is following this trend as well, using “Madame” for any adult woman as a default. Mademoiselle appears to be used very rarely.

   8. Thanks everyone! I went back and looked at correspondence and her correspondence says Mrs. so I used Madame. Great tips for corresponding with my French counterparts in the future though :)

3. Piggy backing off of the earlier poster re leaving the work force. I’m 40 with two children under 5. My husband is very supportive of my career and my earnings are important although not necessary to our lifestyle. But i wonder sometimes if it would just be so much easier for our marriage if I stayed home. I’ve been trying to pull back at work, but have only been so-so successful (law firm, of course). It’s hard to handle two full time careers and kids. He really does do an equivalent amount of childcare. But I wouldn’t mind doing more (if I weren’t equally stressed by/ focused on my job). But then I think about the message it sends our daughters and my enjoyment of having something of my own. And so much of my identity and my friendships are tied up in having a career. Being an adult woman in this day and age is tough. I just want that when they say women can’t have it all that I still get to have my marriage and my children.

   1. “Can’t have it all” is more about not being able to be a top-earning partner while also making your kid’s birthday invite and cake from scratch – maybe people are doing that but I’m ordering a cake from the bakery, buying invites at Party City and trying to hit my billables.

      Marriage time carve outs that help us – we meet for lunch once a week if we can. It’s calendared in my outlook so I don’t book meetings for that time. If we can’t for some reason – we try get in phone call for ten minutes to talk about something other than kids. Regular date nights – easy one is to have sitter come for 2-3 hours after kids are in bed. We have time to go out for a drink or movie but don’t miss time with the kids. Usually ask sitter to fold a load of kids laundry while they are watching tv.

      It’s okay to work just because you like working. Can your DH dial back at work at all?

   2. What exactly would be easier if you left work? It sounds like you enjoy working.

   3. What do you want long term? i.e. 5-10 yrs from now. Bc when your 5 yr olds are 10 or 15, life will look totally different. Will you be ok staying home then waiting for your kids who’ll undoubtedly be off with their friends? Law – and many high paying professions that post here often – are the types where once you jump off the boat, you’re not getting back on. I’m about 5 yrs younger and have law school friends who jumped off when they had babies – all thinking, I’m a top 10 grad, have vault 50 experience, certainly I’ll be able to get SOMETHING (not biglaw or even midlaw) in 2-3 yrs. Not one of them has gotten back in. Now this may not matter at all financially — it doesn’t to my friends as they have high earning spouses. But what you say is right – so much of identity and day to day is tied up with work, that once you’re out of that – you do lose touch with it. Sure your current friends will see you but meeting up 2x/yr for lunch is not the same as being a part of each others’ day to day. As for making new friends – not always as easy as everyone says the older you get and the older your kids get – once they’re in school, they have their own friends and often the parents don’t want to be friends with their kids’ friends parents and just want to drop off and pick up. So think about 5 or 10 yrs from now, not just 2017 or 2018.

      1. +1 I agree with this. Think about this as a permanent decision, because it most likely will be. I know it’s a slog when you have an adorable four year old who just wants to cuddle with you all day, but you’ll be so grateful you kept working when you have cranky pre-teens or teenagers who are never at home, or even beyond when your kids are out of the house. You’re not just working to earn money, you’re working to build a life for yourself and future you doesn’t have small kids to take care of.

         1. For a different perspective: I never felt the need to stay home all day with my adorable four-year-old. I do, however, wish I could stay home with my cranky preteen because now she really needs me around after school to help with homework, drive her to activities, get to know her friends, etc.

            1. My mom, who is a litigator after going to law school at 40, told me the same thing. She had more time in her first career (nurse)to be with us when we (3 kids) were little, but she thought that the teen/high school year were when we needed her physical presence the most.

   4. “But i wonder sometimes if it would just be so much easier for our marriage if I stayed home. ”

      Have you ever been financially dependent on your husband before? Because maybe my husband and I are both really selfish people, but the worst times in our marriage have been when one of us has been substantially or totally financially dependent on the other. It is not at all a healthy dynamic for us, and we are a lot happier when we’re both working full time. YMMV, of course, but I thought I’d throw it out there. They say “money is power” for a reason. I think if either of us had to be dependent on the other we might be able to make it work better than we did during the last two debacles, but I hope to not have to find out anytime soon.

      1. Do you readjust duties at home when incomes shift? That seems key to me–then you’re both “taking care of” each other, in different ways.

4. I am currently seeing a guy I really like. I see us building something very real and very good potential for more. It’s been a month since we started talking and almost a month since our first date. He’s very vocal about saying he really likes me, talks to me everyday and has introduced me to some of his friends. He invited me to his birthday party and says he’s really wants to introduce me to more of his friends. He makes comments hinting at a future. We haven’t had “the talk” and while I’m starting to think about it, I know it’s still rather early.

   My question is…should I continue to see other guys? I used to be very firmly in the “continue seeing / talking to other guys up until the day you make it exclusive.” But I’m so busy with work, I don’t really have much time to fit in dates with other guys (without sacrificing friend time). I’m also not really interested in seeing any other guys. I’m online dating, but have barely logged in since I started seeing this guy. But I just want to make sure I’m not making a mistake here. He drops many hints about us that I think he may just be nervous about what I’ll say. Potentially the exclusivity talk is coming…but you never know.

   1. It sounds like you don’t want to date other guys so why are you asking us? Do what feels right. It is early and it may all blow over and then you’re back to square one. Which isn’t so terrible.

      1. Just asking because I’m worried about getting too invested and getting hurt. And I’m also worried about coming across as too needy (I don’t think I am…but still)

         1. So continue to peruse online as you have time but don’t put any pressure on yourself to go on a date because you feel you have to. In other words, don’t officially take yourself off the market, but it’s perfectly fine to step back a bit from dating other people.

            Fwiw, I found this happened naturally when I was doing online dating. When you’re seeing one person on a regular basis it’s hard to find time for other dates too. I would end up sort of de facto exclusive just because I didn’t want to sacrifice me time or friend time to fit in other guys. And that’s the point at which I would bring up exclusivity, generally.

         2. You don’t need to tell him that you’re not seeing other people. I started dating someone in mid-August and dropped off of dating sites by about the second or third date, but we didn’t have the exclusive talk until mid-October, even though I’m pretty sure we were both exclusive before that.

   2. I’ve never dated more than one person at a time. Maybe I’m just not like able, but I have a hard enough time setting up one date let alone finding multiple men to date me. You don’t want to move to fast? Don’t listen to hints, don’t read between the lines, don’t assume a bday party invite means love. Nothing to do with dating other people.

5. I may be a little late on this thread, but how do you ladies divide chores with your live-in SO during times that you’re super busy at work? How do you manage your frustration when you feel like he’s not picking up the slack? BF and I have been living together for about 3 months. We generally divide chores pretty evenly, but I’ve warned him that sometimes I get super busy at work and when that happens, I won’t be able to handle as much around the house so he’ll have to take over. We had very loving, productive conversations about all this.

   Well now I’m busy at work and I feel that he’s not living up to our agreement. For example, last night I got home after 9, he got home at 5. He was watching TV and I could tell he’d had a few beers and had been snacking on tons of stuff. The kitchen was a disaster; the dishwasher had not been unloaded and there were dirty dishes stacked high and low, which is really stressful for me to see at the end of a long weekend/godonlyknowswhatdayitevenis. There wasn’t a clean fork or plate for me to use to eat the dinner (leftovers) he’d left me in the oven (which was nice of him). Usually I’m the one who does the dishes and I understand that he has a higher tolerance for mess than I do, but come on, there needs to be at least one fork and plate kicking around. If there’s not, do the freaking dishes, 4 hours at home is plenty of time to make that happen. My house was never this dirty when I was living alone!

   I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to come home and start snapping at him, especially when he left dinner for me, but I need to bring it up at some point. So ladies, how do I (1) prevent myself from biting his head off; and (2) raise this issue? Or am I being totally unfair and I should just be glad there was dinner at home for me, even if I had to wash my own fork and plate to eat it? Fwiw, we have a cleaning person, but it’s not like they’re coming everyday.

   1. Tell him that you’d like to hire a housekeeper to come every day and that you two will have to start budgeting for it. When he asks why, point out that if he doesn’t want to do the chores and you don’t have time to do them, you’ll (plural) have to hire someone.

      He should come around.

   2. Just talk to him about it tonight, if you don’t get home late/tired. Start with something positive “I really appreciate you making me dinner last night” and then go on with “but it’s really stressful for me to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. If you get home earlier than me, could you please try to clean up the kitchen since I’m so busy at work during the next few weeks?”. It doesn’t have to be a big explosive argument — this is a normal part of learning to live together. Everyone operates differently, but telling my husband directly what needs to be done seems to work for us. Like “I need you to clean the bathtub tonight since I did the kitchen”.

      1. I agree. My husband has a higher tolerance for mess than I do, but he is totally willing to clean. When we first moved in together I just had to spell out what exactly I wanted him to do. Eventually, he learned what I like. He also now realizes that a clean house means I am less stressed and have more time to do fun stuff with him.

      2. Thanks, this is helpful.

   3. Honestly, I’d let it go. My BF also lets dishes pile higher in the sink than I would living alone, but he’s really not a total slob and it’s not like he lets them sit there for days until they’re a biohazard or something. When he leaves dishes in the sink, I just leave them there, don’t say anything, and make no effort to be his mom and clean up after him, and he usually loads them into the dishwasher within the next day. If he didn’t, I’d just say “hey can you put your dishes in the dishwasher?” In the situation you describe, where there were no clean dishes to use, I’d just clean whatever dishes I needed for myself (which I doubt would take more than 30 seconds) and eat off them.

      I’ll also ask, what exactly are your expectations? That whenever you come home the house is spotless? Or that dishes don’t get stacked in the sink at all? Or that they’re only stacked in the sink for x time? And which part of those expectations did he transgress against? How long were the dishes actually in the sink for?

      1. Re: your last paragraph – I ran the dishwasher on Friday morning and that was the last time the dishes got done, so some stuff has been sitting in the sink since Friday afternoon/evening. I worked all weekend so idk when exactly everything else went in there. I think I mentioned over the weekend that “we” really need to do the dishes again but I didn’t press it because I was just too tired. When I got home last night, he had used all of the remaining clean dishes for his various snacks. So not only did he not do the dishes, but he used the 4 remaining clean plates because each of his snacks needs to have its own separate plate. Grrr.

         And, btw, this is exactly why dirty dishes pile up so quickly – he uses a TON of dishes/pans/utensils when he does anything in the kitchen. Which is fine if you’re going to clean up after yourself, but it’s not cool to use literally 9 items to make snacks for yourself and then leave the dirty pans/plates piled up on the counter and on the floor and all over the living room because the sink is full.

         1. Ah, I had thought from your post that the dishes had only been in the sink for four hours. About this level of dishes-in-the-sink I would definitely say something, but I agree with anon at 12:10 that there’s no reason this needs to be an argument.

         2. It sounds as though he’s adjusting to living with another adult, too.

            Before you moved in together, what did his place look like?

   4. Wait, those are his dishes for him?

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