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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
AE
I was curious how many of you would still work your corporate or non profit gigs if you had enough to retire on. DH and I are in that position now (7 figure savings, no debt except mortgage) and while he will still continue, I feel like I’ve hit a bit of a wall at work. Plus we are in the midst of a reorganisation so while there is no pressure for me to go, there aren’t too many options either.
Early 40s and feel bummed at the thought of starting over at a new place. I do enjoy work, but have several hobbies that I’m passionate about plus two kids. I feel like I’m rather torn….would welcome perspectives.
Sydney Bristow
If you continue working, would you be staying in the same field and working at a different company or switching fields completely? If the latter, I might do a trial run and plan to take off for a year or so and then reassess. The reason I might not do it if just switching companies is that I’d be concerned about getting back into the field after time away. Since it would likely take time to switch fields anyway, I’d be more comfortable taking time away with the possibility of it being permanent.
I’d be extremely tempted to stop working if I could. Especially if I had hobbies that I was passionate about that could fill my time. Otherwise, I’d like to travel a lot in retirement so it would be ideal to wait for my husband to retire too so we could travel together.
Anonymous
When I was in a corporate gig, I felt that I’d absolutely retire or quit to stay home with kids as soon as it was financially feasible. Now I’m in a different, much more laid back career that I really enjoy and I feel like I would be bored if I quit completely, especially since my youngest is now in school. I have hobbies too, but I can’t imagine spending 40 hours per week on them. Plus I know if I quit, I would feel (self-inflicted) pressure to stop outsourcing chores like cleaning and I would much rather work outside the home and pay for a cleaning service than clean our whole house myself every week. My job also gives 25 days of vacation and I am encouraged to use all of it, which makes a big difference to quality of life. My husband travels a lot for work, including internationally, and I’d feel more desire to retire if I had to stay at home and watch him go off on all these cool trips, but my liberal vacation policy means our family can frequently accompany him. So I guess my suggestion if you have the money is quit the high-powered gig and look for a more relaxed, 40 hr/week job with a good vacation policy in a field that interests you?
Anon
What about stepping back into a lighter consulting type role? I did that when kid # 2 was born. I was 34 and had been in my industry over a decade with a strong network. I made 50-75% the pay (minus benefits, though I get those through my husband, plus self employment taxes) and work about 30-40% as much.
Anonymous
In your early 40s you aren’t retiring. You are becoming a stay at home mom. If you want to do that awesome! Personally I wouldn’t for all the same reasons I don’t want to be a stay at home mom anyway.
Anonymous
This. Everyone will role their eyes at your “retirement.” Just own that you are choosing to become a SAHM.
Anonymous
Respectfully, I disagree. Once you have enough money not to have to work, you can retire.
Anonymous
But the reason she can retire right now is because she has a husband who is still earning income and paying the mortgage. Plenty of SAHMs have successful husbands and jointly have seven figures of savings. This is not retirement. This is choosing to become a stay at home parent, which I personally think is a valuable, worthy thing. But I don’t think lying about what you’re doing helps anyone.
Anon
She’s not lying. She said she and husband both have the option to retire. She’s not able to do it only if husband keeps working– she said he will continue working, but not that he has to. There’s not some magic retirement age. She’s saved enough, husband has saved enough, and they could both retire. She wants to and husband doesn’t. She could be in this exact scenario without a husband and kids. (And you wouldn’t call her a liar for that, either.)
Anon
+1 to Anon at 10:37am. This statement: “But the reason she can retire right now is because she has a husband who is still earning income and paying the mortgage.” is not accurate according to her original post.
Anonymous
Sure. You can. You can call yourself retired all day. But everyone else will see you as a SAHM and that’s what you’ll be doing.
Anonattorney
Good grief. So much disdain here for stay at home moms. If you can afford to quit your job and stay home with your kids — and you genuinely wanted to do that — then more power to you. She earned her savings. Good for her.
If I were you I’d stop working in a heartbeat. I’d take a break, pursue my hobbies and hang with my kids for a bit, and then see how I felt after a year or two. You only have one life.
Anonymous
Reading comprehension fail. Literally nobody said a bad word about stay at home moms, in fact many people said staying home with kids is a nice thing to do. They just said “don’t call it ‘retirement’ because it’s not.”
Anonattorney
Nah, no reading comprehension fail. Your argument is the equivalent of a frenemy saying “wow, interesting skirt choice. I like it, but other people will probably think it makes you look fat.”
If someone saves enough money to stop working permanently, they have retired. I’m not quite sure what else you call it.
Anonymous
Saying people were exhibiting disdain for stay at home moms is a reading comprehension fail. There was nothing but support for that choice.
anon
Love this: “Your argument is the equivalent of a frenemy saying ‘wow, interesting skirt choice. I like it, but other people will probably think it makes you look fat.'”
PrettyPrimadonna
I agree, Anonattorney. WTF.
Anon
Well said Anonattorney.
y'all are wrong, wrong, wrong
She ain’t retiring
She ain’t a SAHM
She is RICH!
I had a dot-com millionaire friend who used to have people insist that she was unemployed. Far be it for her to explain that while that was technically unemployed, it wasn’t quite like that.
I’d go with unemployed and/or rich. Anything else will just go sideways on you.
Anonymous
Except there’s no evidence that she’s actually rich. Many of us have seven figure savings but keep working because we know that isn’t enough to retire on. See all the comments below about people wanting to retire with $2-4M at age 65…if you retire at 40 when you still have a mortgage, you need way more than that. Or you need a husband who pays the bills, in which case you’re a stay at home wife or mom.
Anonymous
You are only unemployed if you are actively seeking a job. If you are not seeking a job, you are out of the labor force.
Anonymous
Oh, nomenclature.
So my SIL who moved back in with my MIL and isn’t looking for a job (and hasn’t worked in a few years) . . . this is sort of confirmation that she’s never going back to work. Ugh.
She has no $ and isn’t that old. Not sure what her plan is, but everyone on here is now looking like an economist (relatively).
CMT
Sure, if you’re a BLS statistician.
Anonymous
It’s the conventional definition whether you are a BLS statistician or not.
Never too many shoes...
Possible outlier here, but if I had $10M, I would still be a lawyer at my firm. I am 43, married, with a special needs child and that is still my answer. I am a litigator and the challenge, the negotiations, the trying to outfox another party, the feeling of winning a contested motion…these are things that I could not get anywhere else and which fulfill me beyond measure.
anon
You’re in the right field and so very lucky! I’m also a litigator (and a good one), but only occasionally find it fulfilling, and would quit in a heartbeat if I could afford it.
Never too many shoes...
Thanks, anon above.
I definitely was lucky enough to find my calling.
CHJ
That’s a great position to be in. You might find some inspiration in “early retirement” blogs – Mr. Money Mustache, The Frugalwoods, and Go Curry Cracker are some of my favorites. They are all different and choose to spend their time differently, but what they have in common is that they all saved up enough to stop working and now they are pursuing their passions.
For me personally, I would probably work a reduced schedule as a solo practitioner (lawyer) just to keep my mind occupied, and spend the rest of my time hiking, trail running, and being politically active at the local level.
EB0220
Mr Root of Good is a good resource on early retirement and is much less preachy than MMM FYI.
Baconpancakes
I’ll look into this – I’ve liked the idea behind MMM but found the tone unbearable. Thanks!
EB0220
I can’t stand how sanctimonious MMM is.
Lynn
If I could retire, I would. And I say that even though I enjoy my job. The thing is, there’s only so much room in life for the things you love, so some things have to be cut for practicality’s sake. I love my kids more than my job. I love traveling, hiking, and climbing more than my job. I love my side gig of writing more than my day job. But my day job is the one with a pension and insurance, so that is what I do. And again, I enjoy it and I think I’m lucky that there’s so much I love that I just don’t have room for it all.
So yes. I would quit.
Scarlett
I can’t see retiring in my early 40s, I’m you’re age too. I’m lucky enough to generally love my job most of the time, but if I didn’t and had the financial security to do something else, I’d take the opportunity to either take a risk in my field or do a career change of some kind. For me that would be the road almost taken. Life is short but days are long and I can’t imagine stopping work at this point.
Walnut
Is taking a leave of absence at work an option for you? It might be worth some time to step back and re-assess in three or six months.
EB0220
This is a great idea. My husband is going to quit his corporate job soon (he thinks) to run his business and will try to take an unpaid LOA rather than quit outright.
anonymous
Hi, we are in this situation. Before you make a decision, please meet with a T&E lawyer and please ensure that your husband has life insurance. Your decision may be a little clearer based on the questions they ask – i.e. if one of you were to die, what would your children’s lives look like? If something were to happen to him and you left the workforce, it could take a while before you are able to find a job and you might want the cushion of some money coming in with your kids’ whole lives ahead of them. I took a less demanding job (but still fulltime) and a pay cut. I am 29, though, and we are not yet married and don’t have kids yet, so a little different.
Anonymous
Omg. You are no kind of retired. You’re just making less money than you maximally could.
Anonymous
Right!? I left the law for a less demanding career that pays much less. It would never in a million years occur to me to describe myself as “retired” since I still work outside the home for 40 hours/week and earn a paycheck (and fund my retirement accounts).
anonymous
What the? Where did I say I was retired or not working? I very much work and am fully employed. I went from biglaw to in-house and don’t plan on leaving my job or the workforce for a long time because, as I said, we are still very young (and hope to live very long, God willing) and don’t have kids yet.
(I meant that we were in the situation of having that kind of savings and a lot of income coming in. For us, that doesn’t mean leaving the workforce, but staying in it just not in a job that I was on the point of a nervous breakdown over.)
Anonymous
” we are very much in this situation”. Well, her situation is contemplating retirement soooooo
anonymous
Don’t know who you are quoting, but it isn’t me. I was offering advice, which was that she might want to think twice about leaving the workforce, life can be unexpected. Don’t know why people are so mad that I took a paycut when I moved inhouse.
CMT
Why do you care if people say they’re retired or not? (And the person you’re replying to definitely did not say that.) Seriously, how does it affect you at all?
Lana
I think she was saying that she is in the situation where she could afford to quit working because she has a lot of money, but after meeting with a T&E lawyer, she decided it wasn’t a good idea. Instead, she took a less demanding job.
anonymous
Yes, sort of. Outright leaving was never in the cards for me for a long time, not because I met with a T&E lawyer. I suggested one as a resource because they often ask the questions you don’t think, like as someone posed below about long term disability and how much that costs.
I was working in BigLaw and future DH works in finance. He got a promotion around the same time that I was hitting a wall in biglaw and miserable. We already had a lot in savings and were making a lot in combined income; I decided it was worth the 20k paycut from biglaw to go in-house, which was the goal for me anyway, just unsure of when. I plan to stay in-house for a long time.
Lana
Ok, then you really can’t say you’re in the same situation. You might have enough in savings to be able to take a paycut, but that’s very different from someone saying they have enough to actual stop working for the next ~60 years while maintaining the lifestyle she’s planned for and asking whether she should do it.
Torin
If I had 7 figures in savings, I would look for something else with a flexible enough schedule to allow me to take a couple months off per year. I don’t think I would quit working entirely unless I had either high 7 figures or 8 figures — i.e. enough to know that even if there were a market crash that decimated my funds I would still have enough money to live on.
But, I don’t have kids. If I did, my numbers might differ.
Anon
Not trying to be rude bc 7 figures is a big deal — but I think it does matter whether 7 figures means $1 million or $9 million. I also think it matters how that money is tied up — some people count home equity in there; obviously it has value but not easily liquid unless you’d sell your house. Same with 401ks and/or pensions — they DEFINITELY count in net worth, but at age 40 you wouldn’t be drawing from there. All of this is academic bc obviously your husband will pay your mortgage and health insurance – not your 7 figure savings – but then are you really retired? Or are you just a SAHM?
CMT
Okay, question for all you people hell bent on getting this person to call herself a SAHM instead of retired, what if she and her husband were 15-20 years older and the kids were out of the house. If she decided to stop working but not her husband, would you say she was retired then?
Anonymous
Yup. Because then she’d be of conventional retirement age.
Sharon
I am 51 years old. My husband is 55. Our early-twenties children have recently graduated from college and are on their own. I retired a few months ago. But I’m not of conventional retirement age.
If my children had been mid-teens instead of early twenties, I still would have said “I’m retiring.” Not “I’m becoming a SAHM.”
Jeffiner
I have a friend who was in your position a couple of years ago. She had a really toxic work environment, and finally she just retired. She’s in her 40s, and no kids, so you can’t call her a SAHM. Her husband continued working for about a year until he hit his planned retirement age at 65.
My friend is very active. She volunteers at an elder care center. She has a large garden at her home. She runs marathons and trains a lot. She and her husband travel the country and the world. They are both having a great time, and none of us think any less of her because she retired in her 40s. I wouldn’t say we’re jealous either, we’re friends, not frenemies. Its more like we admire her for achieving such an early retirement.
Boots
I would absolutely have no qualms about retiring when I have sufficient savings, and am approaching that now. My goals for this retirement include a lot of volunteering, and possibly a small bit of specialized work that uses some of my current skills. Sure, hobbies too.
I am a big fan of Mr Miney Mustache. I am not married, and no kids.
But I am also aware that many of my peers will be working all day and SAHM crowd is that here I want to share my lunches. This is a big adjustment.
BUT…. what worries me about you is that this is not something you have been weighing carefully for years as a goal (I have), and you are considering it more as a default in light of your job situation. This is not a great reason.
You also have a lot to consider. What if you get divorced? Is your savings enough to fulfill your plans for your kids education? What if your husband dies?!? What if your parent becomes disabled and needs to move in with you etc,… there are a ton of permutations of THAT one that is difficult.
But I don’t think you truly mean retirement.. stopping all paid work for the rest of your life…..do you? If so, do the math for the worst.
You are still young. You are envied by most of the world. You are wealthy. You are healthy. You have two healthy kids, and no parents you have to support currently. Your husband is supportive and willing to continue to earn for the family. You can do anything you want, with no time pressure. Just make sure your personal IRA/401K is well funded and go for it!
Anonymous
We could retire now (DH is of retirement age and I’m close, and we have sufficient savings), but we’re still working for a few reasons: To build up the savings for the day we actually retire, because we want a nice cushy retirement; because we don’t mind our jobs and they keep us off the street and challenged but not too overwhelmed; and mostly because DH’s philosophy is “use it or lose it” and I tend to agree. My parents retired in their early/mid 60s and they’ve been retired for going on 30 years now. That’s a very long time to be retired and I don’t know that it was the very best choice.
Anonymous
I think it depends what kind of seven figures. Low seven figures is when you look for a more fun, flexible, perhaps even part time job that might involve a big pay cut. It depends what your lifestyle is like and how much you spend in a typical year, but I probably wouldn’t be comfortable leaving the workforce completely in my 40s, unless I had mid-high seven figures ($5 million+).
Amy H.
I think you would find the book “Your Money or Your Life” interesting — one perspective on how to approach this question.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I would quit my job in a heartbeat. So would my husband. I am happy for you to be in this position, if not a little bit jealous. :)
frugalgirl
That’s awesome! Congrats! I am working to get to an early retirement in my thirties. My dream post-retirement is to volunteer at the orgs that I have done pro bono legal work for, spend time pursuing my long lost hobbies, and have/raise kids.
I would love to hear more about your personal journey to having enough in the bank to retire.
shopping
Have you also asked in on-line fora for early retirees?
Personally, I think you should look into starting all over again at a fun career where you really don’t need to make money. Or just enjoy the hobbies and volunteering (maybe taking it a step higher and joining the board or heading the fundraiser or the like). But if you have F-you money and aren’t enjoying working for the man, why stick around? Just don’t count on kids to keep you busy, because they’ll grow up and move away.
House Cleaner Rate Help
Following up to my tipping question yesterday based on some of the comments – what is the going rate for a monthly and/or bi-weekly house cleaner that would not be considered paying the person ‘peanuts’? Two adults, no kids, and a dog that sheds. 3 BR/2BA home – we ‘live’ in about 50% of the 1,800 SF home since it’s just the two of us so it’s not a deep clean of the entire house. Inner burbs of Boston/HCOL area.
Current house cleaner isn’t reliable – that’s our issue, not the cost or quality (although we’d pay more for better quality from someone else). We know she spends about two hours in the house as we have a key pad that tracks in/outs. The rate of $120 was set by her for a monthly clean, which is $60/hour under the table. I didn’t think that was ‘peanuts’ as some suggested, but it’s my first house and first house cleaner so what do I know. We’re budgeting for next year and hunting for a new cleaner after the holidays. Guidance would be appreciated!
Anonymous
I pay $25/hour in my area for a biweekly clean – small city in Canada. That’s market as I switched cleaners recently and shopped around. Does your cleaner work alone? My current cleaner sometimes works alone or sometimes with a co-worker (both are fine for me). So $75 is three hours of one person or 1.5 hours for 2.
OP
She works alone, but for one time she brought someone else to help, but they stayed just 60 minutes that time.
mascot
Increasing the frequency will increase the quality, IME. We pay $115/week for a bigger house (LCOL area though) and that takes 3-4 hours to clean. But, she’s also able to rotate rooms that aren’t used very much so those only get cleaned as needed.
Anonymous
We pay $28/hour for monthly cleaning of our 4 bed/2 bath house (same family as you – 2 adults, no kids, 1 dog) in a LCOL area. She usually stays in our house for 5-6 hours so it’s typically about $150. This is above board through a cleaning service. When we used to live in SF we paid a cleaning service $75 for a biweekly cleaning of our apartment. They sent two people and it took about an hour, so it worked out to $38/hour/person. I would say $60/hour is very high, especially if you’re not going through a service.
Anon
I am the Boston-burb dweller that replied to you yesterday. I actually think you are paying market, or very close to it. I have a 4BR, 2.5 bath 3,000 sq ft house. No dog, but 2 messy little kids. We don’t have them clean the guest room or office and our dining room is basically unused. We pay $100 every 2 weeks, and the team (usually 2 or 3 people, sometimes the couple that does it brings a helper when they have lots of houses in one day) is here 1.5-3 hours depending on how many people are there. They are very reliable and do a good job, but aren’t getting into all the cracks and crevices every week. When they did the initial deep clean, it was $120. My guess is a monthly clean would run $130-150 max.
Anonymous
This is a pretty different hourly rate than what OP’s paying though. It sounds like you’re paying $20-25 per hour per person. She’s paying $60.
Anon
True- then the comments that she’s paying below market may be even more off base. $60/hr per person seems crazy to me.
S-non
I think you’re paying higher than market (I am in Boston city proper and pay around $30/hour per person) and should find someone who charges by the hour vs. by each clean. Though if you do monthly it will be more expensive than biweekly.
Anon
We pay $125 for bi-monthly cleanings in a 2500 sq ft house (3 BR, 3 baths) in a LCOL city. It is a couple and they do a fantastic job. Two adults, one baby and two giant shed monsters. I don’t know if this rate is standard, it is what they asked for and we happily agreed to it.
ace
$150 in Chicago burbs for probably 6-8 hours of cleaning. I think paying much more than $30/person/hr is probably too high in most places.
ace
That’s weekly and includes most laundry for our family of 4.
anon a mouse
Also in a HCOL area (though not Boston). We have 3BR/2BA, one kid, one dog. We pay $205 for a monthly clean – team of 2 people, usually takes them 2 hours. They are thorough. We use a service because I didn’t want to have to deal with taxes. I know we could find someone cheaper but it’s important to me that the cleaners are paid well for their work.
NY CPA
NY suburbs (Westchester), 2bed 1 bath apartment (maybe 1200ish sq ft?), no kids, no pets — $120/week. We’ve had multiple cleaning women and that seems to be about average for my area.
anon
Boston dweller here. We pay $100 for weekly cleaning. 4 bed, 1.5, 1600 sq ft house. Typically 3 women come to clean our house for about an hour (so roughly 33 per hour). Sometimes they stay longer than hour (it seems like they alternate deep cleaning to bi-weekly, so every other week, roughly, they are there longer.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I live in a fairly HCOL area, and live in a three bedroom condo with my husband and two kids. No pets. We pay $165 flat rate once a month. Our maid spends about 4 hours cleaning each time, depending on the state of the place.
Sydney Bristow
I don’t like the silvery stripe. I think if it was black, I’d like this skirt more.
One of the things I like to do at the end of the year is look back over my resolutions and how I did and then create new ones. Each year I have a reading goal, so I’ve been looking over what I read this year. What are the best books you read this year? I had more than I realized this year. Here is my list:
It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell (Recommended here. I loved it!)
The Martian by Andy Weir (I’m totally behind on this. I read it then waited for the movie to appear on HBO so I could watch it)
When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (This book has received a lot of praise and I think it is absolutely deserved)
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes (The perfect book to read on a trip)
Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit
Rise of the Rocket Girls by Nathalia Holt (Hidden Figures is on my to-read list right now. I think they’ll pair nicely)
Chalked Up by Jennifer Sey (A memoir written by a former elite gymnast)
How to Make a Spaceship by Julian Guthrie
Shoe Dog by Phil Knight (He so perfectly described the spirit of Oregon that I found myself highlighting nearly every description of it I saw)
I also read all of the Kathy Reichs books on the recommendation of people here. They were great and I’ll read everything she writes going forward. I also discovered Megan Abbott’s books this year too. I highly recommend them! Especially You Will Know Me and The Fever.
Next year my resolution is to read a bunch of books that I’ve tried to start but that are really challenging. So I’ll have a much smaller number of books read but hopefully I’ll learn a lot and challenge myself.
What were your favorites this year?
Cb
My 5* on Goodreads were:
The Summer before the War
The Muse
All the Light We Cannot See
The 3rd and 4th Elena Ferrante
Eva Sleeps
Beside the Ocean of Time
Marriage Material
Anonymous
LOVED You Will Know Me. I brought it to the beach and read it all in one day. I also really enjoyed The Hopefuls by Jennifer Close, and finally got around to reading Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist (which is excellent).
For those looking for more book recommendations, the Penguin Hotline is available now for the holidays. You tell them about your favorite books, movies, TV shows, hobbies, etc. and they send you personalized book recommendations! http://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/penguin-hotline/
Sydney Bristow
Oohh interesting! I had no idea that was a thing.
X
My favorite books this year were:
A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles (Historical Fiction)
All the Time in the World by Caroline Angell
Under the Harrow by Flynn Berry (Mystery/Thriller)
The Swans of Fifth Avenue by Melananie Benjamin (Historical Fiction)
The Mothers by Brit Bennett
The Guest Room by Chris Bohjalian (Mystery/Thriller)
American Housewife by Helen Ellis
The Trespasser by Tana French (Mystery/Thriller)
Victoria by Daisy Goodwin (Historical Fiction)
The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah (Historical Fiction)
The Girls in the Garden by Lisa Jewell (Mystery/Thriller)
Wilde Lake by Laura Lippman (Mystery/Thriller)
Disrupted by Dan Lyons (Non-Fiction)
I Let You Go by Claire Mackintosh (Mystery/Thriller)
Under the Influence by Joyce Maynard (Mystery/Thriller)
Commonwealth by Ann Patchett
Dear Committee Members by Julie Schumacher
The Daily Show by Chris Smith (Non-Fiction)
The Martian by Andy Weir
The Underground by Colson Whitehead (Historical Fiction)
Sydney Bristow
I’ve read a bit of historical fiction that is written by a writer I follow. I haven’t tried others though. Do you focus on one particular time period?
X
Nope. I just choose ones that intrigue me. A Gentleman in Moscow was my favorite book this year. My favorite last year was a thriller called Unbecoming. The year before it was a book called Casebook. Others have included Lean In, In the Kingdom of Men set in Saudi Arabia, and America America, which draws parallels from the Chappaquiddick scandal in the Kennedy family.
The Swans of Fifth Avenue is about the women who surrounded Truman Capote and whom he ultimately betrayed. The Nightingale is about 2 french sisters and their involvement in the resistance movement during WW2. Victoria is about the early years of Queen Victoria’s life. And I just realized that I listed The Underground wrong. It’s The Underground Railroad – self explanatory. It just won the National Book Award.
X
I’m in moderation for Chappaquid!ck…
Nope. I just choose ones that intrigue me. A Gentleman in Moscow was my favorite book this year. My favorite last year was a thriller called Unbecoming. The year before it was a book called Casebook. Others have included Lean In, In the Kingdom of Men set in Saudi Arabia, and America America, which draws parallels from the Chappaquidd!ck scandal in the Kennedy family.
The Swans of Fifth Avenue is about the women who surrounded Truman Capote and whom he ultimately betrayed. The Nightingale is about 2 french sisters and their involvement in the resistance movement during WW2. Victoria is about the early years of Queen Victoria’s life. And I just realized that I listed The Underground wrong. It’s The Underground Railroad – self explanatory. It just won the National Book Award.
Macademia
I thought Dear Committee Members was really funny!
Sunflower
X, you are my literary kindred spirit.
Lynn
I loved It Was Me All Along (also read it after seeing it recommended here!). Also enjoyed When Breath Becomes Air and All the Light We Cannot See.
But I’m just going to say it. The Desperate Duchesses series by Eloisa James was the best thing I’ve read in a long time.
Macademia
Some fairly light books I enjoyed were:
The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper
Radio Girls
The Summer Before the War
I also devoured the “Cast in …” series by Michelle Sagara (escapist fantasy)
All the Light We cannot See was really good. An amazing memoir is “Into the Magic Shop”.
amberwitch
I just read Cast in Flight, the latest “Cast in …”!
Previously I’ve reread the whole series when a new one came out, but by now the series is so long I haven’t made room for it.
I’m impressed you read the whole series in succession, I think I would have lost momentum at some point.
Jessica
Every time a “Cast” series book comes out it goes straight to the top of my (very long) To Read list.
This year I read three novellas by Lois McMaster Bujold, Penric and Desdemona series, and I’m highly recommending them for anyone who likes fantasy
Macademia
Thanks for replying! It is fun to meet (even if remotely) someone else who has read them. I discovered the series through this list:
http://bookriot.com/2016/05/02/100-must-read-sci-fi-fantasy-novels-by-female-authors/
Whenever I need something to read I look for an author new-to-me on that list.
Anonymous
Okay, I don’t usually post but I feel like I owe you for the books I just put in my queue from yours :)
The Wonder – Emma Donoghue
The Wayward Pines Series
Sleeping Giants – Sylvain Neuvel
Party of One: A Memoir in 20 Songs – Dave Holmes
The Plum Tree – Ellen Marie Wisemann
A Constellation of Vital Phenomena – Anthony Marra
Sydney Bristow
Nice! I’ve received such good recommendations here over the years.
Anon
GoodReads just told me I read 83 books this year (I travel a lot, so reading is my go-to airplane activity). I’m feeling rather proud of that accomplishment now!
My top reads this year (some/most of these came out in previous years, but I just got around to reading them now):
The Nightingale
Dumplin’
I Shall Be Near To You
10% Happier
A God In Ruins
The Royal We
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Dead Wake
The Patron Saint of Liars
Calling Me Home
Working Stiff
Anger Management
I’m realizing that I have some anger issues in my personal life. My mom’s natural reaction to pretty much everything was anger, and I really don’t want to follow in her footsteps. I’m in therapy for something else, but will be bringing this up at my next session. I got a book to read in the meantime. Have any of you dealt with this successfully? Can you share your experiences and what worked best for you?
EM
From what I have been told/from my experience/in my case:
I needed to “retrain” my body to stop physically reacting in anger. This involved retraining my mind to stop signaling an angry reaction. I did this by stepping up my hobbies (things that made me actively happy), meditating, and learning the early signs of an angry feeling so that I could use alternative thoughts to calm me down. For example, one of my early triggers is a roaring in my ears. When I feel that I think to myself: is anyone dead? is anyone dying? am I homeless, starving or naked? Do I still have chocolate and access to people who kiss me? The answers to those usually calm me down instantaneously. For me, if I realize I am not in immediate physical danger, I am OK. But I need to actively remind myself of that.
Meredith Grey
I experienced the reverse- not realizing I was angry… a lot/all the time… and the book “Dance with Anger” was an eye opener. I imagine it could be helpful to you too. FYI I found the intro and first few chapters to be off-putting because a lot of emphasis is on gender stereotypes and that it’s a “book for Women,” but if you can take that stuff with a grain of salt and focus on the practical application, it could be valuable.
Julia
I struggle with this, too, and have considered seeking therapy for it. Right now I find I get the greatest relief from exercise and routine, mind-clearing meditation (unrelated to the anger itself and practiced on a schedule, not as a “timeout”, though that might be useful, too, if you suffer moments of rage; I really just carry mine around).
c
What worked for me:
*Remembering how it felt when parent exploded at me, and wanting better for my kids.
*Assuming positive intent (99% likely that person/thing is not trying to anger you).
*Antidepressant.
*Exercise.
*Putting things into perspective
*Working in an hr role with a lot of employee conflicts. They would come to me with these CRAZY angry stories about a conflict with another employee, and I’d ask, “what have you done to try to fix it?” and they would say, “nothing, I can’t!” (the people were normally complaining about their peers or subordinates–who they absolutely could speak to), and being irritated that they were basically seething in anger and silently screaming, “WHY WON’T YOU READ MY MIND AND DO WHATEVER I WANT?!” (and seeing myself in this bizarre situation)
Jessica
Therapy where I worked on strategies for anger management, anti depressants, more exercise to release frustrations in a healthy way, and frankly getting older and calmer in general. I was much more volatile in my 20s than I am now I’m mid 30s
sage2moo
I am working through a similar issue – began realizing it was an issue in therapy for anxiety. One observation that I have made: I recently went from having an approximately 2 hour round trip commute to/from work each day to a 10 minute round trip commute. While I had believed (for the last 8 years) that the commute was a trigger for anxiety, I did not make the connection that this anxiety triggered anger and I had been experiencing a latent level of anger for so long. It was eye-opening to consider that the simple act of commuting had been having such a detrimental effect on my mental health for so long. YMMV, but considering external anger/rage triggers and mitigating them if possible may be a solution.
Anonymous
I have had a rough year with regards to gender equality in the workplace. 2016 has included me filing a sexual harassment complaint about a coworker, my boss’ boss expressing the opinion that women have a worse work ethic than men and demonstrating this in his decisions, and it becoming apparent that moving up at my company will involve finding some way to break into/co-exist with a typical old boys’ club. (It’s especially frustrating because on paper – equal pay, maternity leave, etc – my company seems like a great place for women to work.)
I like my job but clearly I need a new company, however I don’t know where to start. This has completely worn me down. I’m in my late 20s and am exhausted at the thought of having a decades-long career dealing with this kind of stuff. For a while I was able to use this as motivation, but now I am just so tired. I don’t want to try any more because it seems like it will always be this hard, anywhere I go.
Are all companies like this? Can someone tell me it gets better? Would it be super weird to approach one of the older women I work with to ask for mentoring/advice on how to stay motivated?
Anonymous
No specific advice. But know that you are not alone. Lindy West’s piece in the NY Times on HRC’s loss hit home for me:
“I cried because it’s not fair, and I’m so tired, and every woman I know is so tired.”
(http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/cp/opinion/election-night-2016/her-loss)
Anonymous
+1 I had a friend comment on Facebook that one reason so many women took HRC’s loss so hard was that we have all been there. We have all be in situations where we worked our a$$es off, and were the smartest person in the room, and took the job seriously and prepared, and then a totally unqualified man, who has no experience whatsoever, shows up and he gets the job/promotion/whatever.
OP
That’s a good article. I think a HRC presidency would have gone a long ways towards normalizing the role of women in powerful positions. I think a lot of my company’s issues stem from the fact that many people in my company still view successful women as the exception.
Anonymous
Not all companies are like this. It’s sadly way too common, but some places are much better than others and I have found there is little correlation, and perhaps even inverse correlation, between great policies for women and great treatment of women (Big Law – with it’s six months of paid maternity leave, but horrible rates of promotion of women – is one notable example). Try another company before you give up. And I definitely don’t think it’s weird to ask older women you work with about this issue. Sorry about your rough year. Hugs.
OP
Thanks. Part of my reluctance to ask someone else about it is I’m not sure every woman at my company experiences it to the same extent (I think it varies a lot by department, although the old boys’ club thing is an issue across the board) and I’m worried I might just seem whiny, if the person I approach doesn’t happen to feel very similarly…
Anonymous
Well, you don’t have to start by pouring your heart out about it. Just make a casual remark (ideally in reaction to something that’s happened right then) and gauge how the woman reacts. If she says “Ohmigosh ME TOO, let me tell you about X, Y, Z” then you can feel comfortable opening up. If she doesn’t seem interested in discussing it, you can move on and nobody is going to remember or care about one passing remark.
anonshmanon
If you focus the conversation on “are there ways to showcase my successes better, so they cannot overlook me” and, ultimately (if need be) “is there even any way to overcome the bias, or is my energy invested better at a different company” then that’s still very close to your original topic, but can not be misconstrued as whiny.
Anonymous
Also, not sure how big your company is, but the negative climate might be more pronounced in your particular group.
At my firm, I feel like my group is incredibly supportive of women, but I have friends in other groups where they do not have the same experience.
An internal transfer might be easier than changing companies, which is why I mention it.
Jessica
There are better places to work. I’m in one now and it made such a huge difference in my life. Far more than I ever expected. I wish I had a solution for finding one of these places, but I knew it was a huge improvements within a couple of weeks of starting. Even at the interview I knew I would be working with a lot of like minded people who shared my values, which was in major contract to my previous POW
Anon
My role was eliminated in 2016 and I was replaced with a 40 year old white man. I had glowing reviews and a 6 year record of success at my company, but we got a new CEO and his buddy needed a job so he found a way to eliminate my role. My lawyer got me great severance (full year pay inc bonus) and everyone at my company was horrified when it happened.
But…I’m 7 months out of that and doing well in a consulting role, spending more time with my family, and hate-watching my replacement circle the drain in my old role.
Putting on my pantsuit
40. Even more tired. So very tired. So very angry. So very sad and frustrated and disappointed.
The best advice I can give you is that half the game is just staying in the game. Eventually, they cannot deny your success and right to move up. But, the women who get there have watched years of men who are less talented and less hard working rewarded more generously.
At 40, I’ve had good years and bad years. 2016 has been a very bad year–made worse by the fact that this year marked the first time that my colleagues–people I thought were friends–got involved in a negative way. I’m angry, and I’m tired, and for the first time in my career, I could see chucking it all. But, I’ve had bad years before. I know that there is an ebb and flow. So, I get up, I put on my pantsuit (there really is something symbolic about it that makes me feel better–even before HRC and Pantsuit Nation), and I keep slugging away. But, this year has been harder to get past than any I’ve had before. I’m trying to start a little network of women in my firm to support each other, or just to listen to each other complain as necessary. But, I’m also contemplating writing a book and looking at GC positions like it’s my new hobby.
Anonymous
“The best advice I can give you is that half the game is just staying in the game.”
This.
So many times I say that my ‘Lean In’ moment is not quitting because that’s as much as I can manage.
YMMV but I don’t think of a GC position as not staying in the game.
Putting on my pantsuit
No, I didn’t meant to imply that a GC position wasn’t staying in the game. It’s a potential way for me to play a different game. I’m a litigator though and have to work through why I would want to make that move (there are a lot of reasons, but I need to be sure it’s the right reasons–if for no other reason than to be able to answer an interview question).
But yes 100% to not quitting being a success some days.
Meredith Grey
Lawd. to the OP, you’re not alone. I could have written this post myself, like everything. Thank you, Putting on my pantsuit: “half the game is just staying in the game” – I need this. These words are going to be something I think about for a really really long time. I wish we were friends IRL.
Putting on my pantsuit
Given that binge watching Grey’s Anatomy is my stress relief, likewise.
anon
Nope, my company is not like this at all. My company is very supportive of women, despite being in a male dominated industry.
Gov't lawyer
I’m sorry that you have had a rough year. But please know that not all companies are like this. I have been very fortunate to work at places that are incredibly supportive of women, including now at a gov’t agency. In fact, some of my best mentors and bosses have been men. So hang in there. And I work in litigation, which has a reputation for being a little cut-throat and male dominated, but that hasn’t been my experience at all. There are good employers and good bosses out there.
Anon in DC
I don’t have specific advice for your situation but your post struck a chord with me. I feel that the better I get to know my field, the larger my network grows, the more instances of gendered decision making I see (public policy). I’m 30 and have been working in my field since I was 22, so about 8 years of solid experience. I’ve had a few high profile things and also have a graduate degree. Many of my female friends have the same. Time and time again I see them struggling to move up while our male friends seem to fly on by, getting paid more to boot. The men naturally seem to have an easier time networking with other men, and men still represent the majority of top leadership in my field. Just the other day a man I met at a conference was hugely condescending to me – I have WAY more experience and actually know his boss’s boss, but I guess he would have never guessed because female. It’s stunning, actually, as I did not expect to encounter gender bias to this degree when I was starting out, and find it increasingly baffling and frustrating. The deck definitely feels stacked.
DC too
Also same age, same sector, same city, and I feel exactly the same way. It is frustrating to watch men fly by you with less knowledge, experience, etc.
Anon for this one
Don’t give up. I could have written this exact OP last year. Was hired to work for a partner who I ended up having to file a gender discrimination complaint about with HR. Then had no. work. for months at that firm. (Pretty sure I’ve got a constructive discharge case…) Was terrified about ability to earn, future generally.
I ended up finding an amazing role in-house at a company that is very supportive of women.
One really good way to find those companies is to look at the gender balance in the C-suite. Several of our corporate officers are women, and that spoke volumes to me. There’s a lot to be said for being smart about the setting in which we try to pursue our career goals. If you’re in a ditch, doesn’t matter how fast or hard you run– you’re still in the ditch. Make sure you set yourself up in a place where you see women decades ahead of you achieving things you’d like to be doing at their age.
It’s just been a hard year to be a lady in so many ways. I wish I could say that 2017 is shaping up to be better. Here are things keeping me hopeful:
1) Netflix is making a series of The Handmaid’s Tale. When I think about women in media now vs. when I was in high school in the 90s, man, a lot has changed for the better.
2) This community of bada** women
3) Kids, dogs, friends, being outside, etc.
bridget
Remember when trucks started to sport “How’s my driving?” bumper stickers? People in the industry said that 90% of the complaints were about 10% of the drivers.
No, this is not normal. Yes, better (not perfect) companies exist. You may have to move cities, but you’re young (and, I’m guessing, unmarried).
You will one day be very grateful that you filed that harassment complaint. It will help every woman who comes after you.
I would be interested to hear other views on how to find good companies that do not tolerate this. My rule of thumb is to check the employee handbook: if the company has mandatory arbitration plus a lot of hoops to jump through as part of the internal complaint procedures, it is likely that they are more interested in managing and squashing complaints than in fixing the damn problem (pardon my language).
Anonymous
I think this is a great idea but wondering how one would get a copy of the employee handbook before accepting a position? Is that common?
bridget
Sometimes, it might be on the internet (with really big companies).
Maybe ask to see it after receiving an offer? Just couch it as wanting to fully evaluate the offer before leaving your current situation or something.
This is the “hive.” Readership is big enough that an anonymous question about a company of any decent size will likely result in an answer from someone who works there.
If you want to think a bit bigger, and more structurally, you could consider introducing legislation in your state that would mandate that the handbook be made available to employees at the time an offer of employment is made. Or you could say that the state’s anti-discrimination commission will not consider “failure to exhaust internal remedies” a valid defense unless the employee had access to the employee handbook and such internal requirements, say, 10 days before start date.
(As a conservative, my preference would be for the latter: it gives companies a choice, and it also goes to the basic theory of contracts: if you want the other party to be bound to a term, make it part of the deal before the deal is signed.)
Now, I’m typing this on a phone, so forgive the lack of precision, but it’s an idea.
Marshmallow
Oh, all the hugs. It’s been a bad year for me too, and I’m exhausted too. I’m exhausted from having to explain my exhaustion, even to well-meaning family members who just don’t get it. I’m exhausted from being mistaken for a secretary, asked to get coffee, being groped (not at my job, as if that makes it any better).
Also in my late twenties, and also daunted (and further exhausted) by the prospect of putting up with this for 40 more years. I read a survey somewhere that young women enter the workforce thinking they will not be held back by sexism, but as women stay in the workforce they give exponentially more negative survey responses. I absolutely see why now.
nutella
This has been a hard year to be a working woman. The election felt like a slap in the face, punch to the gut, and then a push down the ladder to professional women. I have felt like giving up a lot because, well, if you can be extremely qualified with 30 years of experience and still lose to someone with no direct experience who is a bigoted clown, what hope do the rest of us have? But we keep showing up because, well, I’m not a quitter and I’m not quitting on me.
I got engaged this year and we have a very happy and equal partnership. He respects me and loves my ambition and my brain. He loves that I am passionate about world news, politics, and feminist causes and seek to stay informed. I also changed jobs this year right after we got engaged. Just like all those articles report, he got more traction with clients and built better rapport with the c-suite talking about our engagement. Meanwhile, I was interviewing for new jobs and found myself taking my ring off right before and not bringing up my personal life lest I not be taken seriously. (And this wasn’t in my head, I know partners and people on this board judging people for engagement rings or talking about marriage early in the interview process.) His happiness is my happiness and my happiness is his happiness, so I am (1) thrilled because I’m marrying him and (2) happy to see his successes but that also means that he is a little sad because (3) being a woman in the working world is hard and he sees that firsthand now.
AnonForThis
I also filed a harassment complaint this year and am absolutely hitting a wall with sh!tty old men in the defense industry. I was in consulting briefly, and they were smart enough to be less overtly sexist, but even there only the men had children and the only female partner was idolized for taking client calls on her wedding day. So, toxic and awful in other ways. I feel like I’m completely out of ideas for new angles to try and burnt to an utter crisp.
Annie
Tough call. Please don’t quit and become a yoga teacher. That exit option is a saturated market. It can be hard to say that another place will be better or different. What is your field? Do not talk to other women at work, much less older women. The overarching theme to all conversations about these issues is that you never complain through the formal legal process. They will likely tell you that you have sabotaged any future job prospect by formally complaining. Older women tend to have the attitude, that they freely share, that we all have to endure sexism and sexual harassment for decades. They tend to frame it as “have a sense of humor about it,” and “no one raped you on the conference table.” You are not alone. Many many women have endured the same treatment. Please do not give up. But also do not count on people being supportive.
mukluks vs minnetonka moccasin-style boots
So, I really like the Steger mukluks recommended here recently. I also see a lot of minnetonka-style fringed mocassin boots in my city (SE US).
Are Steger mukluks too much firepower for my region of the U.S.? I will say that I am always cold and my feet are always cold. The testimonials on the website speak to the joy of people far to the north of me who get to play outside in their toasty boots. [Me, OTOH, I’m grumpy when it’s damp and in the 40s-50s. I stay inside even though I’m an outdoorsy person and prefer it to inside when the weather is good.]
Also, how do the mukluks fit? Any tips? Plenty of minnetonka reviews on Zappos. Just get them b/c I’m such a wuss and a tenderfoot that they’d be fine? Are the mukluks too all-hat-and-no-cattle for me?
nona
Anyone I know with mukluks break them out when its frigidly cold – like negative temps. So, yes, I think they may be too much firepower for 40-50F days. They aren’t waterproof, so freezing temps where you won’t have slush are more appropriate, than damp conditions.
I am also often cold of foot – my go-tos have been Sorel boots, either the duck boots for snowy conditions (Joan of Arctic) or the fashion line for less drastic measures. I have the Toronto lace-up wedge – it’s waterproof and WARM, especially when combined with smartwool socks. I honestly think that would be a better route than mukluks.
Anon
That’s a whole lot of skirt.
I saw someone asked about the Kiss InstaWave Automatic Hair Curler (the magical device I love that makes curling your hair into gorgeous waves pretty idiot-proof, which is perfect for me).
Amazon has it on sale today–it’s just $25 now with free shipping.
http://amzn.to/2hty5af
Veronica Mars
Affiliate links aren’t allowed. Even if you’re anon it’s easy to tell that this and the crocs link are from the same person.
Sydney Bristow
Just curious, how you can tell this? I would have just assumed that this is the short version of an Amazon link that you see if you try to email the product to someone directly from the Amazon page.
Cat
You can tell from going to checkshorturl dot com and expanding the link. It includes a “tag” to “yousaucymin” which I believe indicates it’s an affiliate link.
Here is the expanded link from the above – DON’T CLICK THOUGH
https://www.amazon.com/Kiss-Products-Instawave-Automatic-Curler/dp/B00N1 8RIAS/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&qid=1481638754&sr=8-1&keywords=kiss+instaw ave+automatic+curler&linkCode=sl1&tag=yousaucymin0b-20&linkId=31a0c47fd7 cf134548404d8b142e600a
Meg March
Here’s a non-affliate link:
https://www.amazon.com/Kiss-Products-Instawave-Automatic-Curler/dp/B00N18RIAS/
Veronica Mars
If you click the link and follow it, you can see the affiliate link in the URL– I’m not super familiar with Amazon affiliate links, but you can see “yousaucymin” in both of the links, so that’s the person’s username/handle for the account.
Anon
Also – how did two affiliate links make it through moderation, but I’ve ended up in moderation for typing t*t accidentally?! Oh, Internet, you make me crazy, but I can’t quit you!
Tech Challenged
How do you get out of/away from affiliate links? I clicked it, but does that mean anything I purchase from Amazon now gives credit to the OP here? I know zero about this stuff, but don’t like it unless you’re the blogger from which I pull content/use daily (hi, kat!).
Cat
Clear your cookies.
Anon
Does this work for short hair? I am having trouble figuring out if I am coordinated enough to try this for my chin length hair…
Anon
You might need some practice but it does work with short hair. You don’t have to section your hair as with longer hair; you just have to place the curler against your head at the root of your hair and it will start to grab and spin your hair on its own. Practice so that you only allow it to grab a small amount of hair so that you end up with smaller curls. Big curls don’t look right with short hair since there’s not enough length. Also, I like to alternate the spin direction as I curl each section.
anonymous
How much do you feel you need to retire? Piggybacking off the first poster’s question here. I always thought 2 million, but I wonder if I’m being too conservative.
Anonymous
To retire at 65 or to retire early? I think they are different questions. You certainly don’t “need” 2 million. The vast majority of Americans retire with far less. My husband and I work hard, save, have no debt and live in a low cost of living area. As soon as we hit 65, we plan to retire whenever we want to, regardless of whatever the number in the bank is (fwiw, it will probably be ~$1 million, but nowhere near $2M). If you’re talking about early retirement, then I think it makes more sense to aim for a specific number.
mukluks vs minnetonka moccasin-style boots
I’m so conservative and my family has a history of longevty. I think that the odds of a not-quite-catastrophic accident are greater than that of having something (accident, heart attack) up and kill me outright. I’d want good attendants and physical rehab, and I don’t think that insurance covers a lot of that (plus, I’d need a new one-level place to live). If that didn’t happen to me, it might to a parent, child, or spouse.
Plus, I have young children. I’d need a nanny FT if I became disabled young and a housekeeper. [Never mind if they want to go to college on my dime.]
So, I don’t think that I’d believe that I’d have enough $ until I was old enough that my likely years of being needy/needing care were likely to be 20 or fewer. I don’t have a number, but if I won $20 million in the lottery, that might be enough. But if I won $2 million, I can see that not being enough to just quit working now (I’d probably switch jobs to something less demanding, but wouldn’t want to live off of savings at that point).
Anonymous
I’m in this exact situation with my spouse – he’s fully disabled now due to a relatively common autoimmune disease. Costs to live on are north of $225,000 per year for his FT care plus my living expenses. This happens way, way more than people expect.
Beth
We are shooting for 2.5-3 million assuming we own our home/cars outright. Our house is worth about 900k now and we would downsize prior to retiring for sure, likely to today’s equivalent of a $400k house, so we mentally factor in about .5 mil in home available to our number.
Anonymous
Between 25 and 33 times the annual amount you plan to live on.
Anonymous
How can you possibly determine this though? Right now my family lives on probably $20k a year (we own our home and cars outright). But if you need to move into assisted living, that’s going to cost way more. My grandmother’s place costs ~$150k a year. Biiiig difference in those numbers.
Anonymous
YIKES! 150/year?!? How on earth do you do that? Start smoking and eating bacon and hope that you don’t make it another minute?
I love my family and I love living, but if it costs me $150/year, I wonder what they’ll do when I run out of $ (which will be fast, fast, fast). Do they kick you out? Or have they ascertained that you’ll die within a certain amount of time (like hospice, but hospice isn’t $150/year and you’re not supposed to be in for a year)? I don’t think that you just get to spend down, go on Medicaid, and stay in a fancy place.
In all seriousness, I think I’d just starting shooting heroin. Cheaper and not likely to make me outlive my money.
Veronica Mars
Long term care insurance? Otherwise I have no idea how people do it.
Anonymous
Well, she has the money and she would be moved to a cheaper place if she didn’t, but it would still cost a lot more than $20k/year. She has had Alzheimer’s for 10+ years but is otherwise in great physical health and doctors think she may have another 5-10 years left – that’s potentially 20 years of round-the-clock care needed. My point is just that even if you are a super frugal person who buys all your property outright while you’re still working and has very minimal expenses while you live independently, you can’t assume you won’t eventually need a lot of money. Alzheimer’s care is just ridiculously expensive.
Anonymous
It’s cash pay until you run out of money, generally, and then Medicaid. Medicaid only pays for skilled nursing, not the earlier stage nicer assisted living facilities.
CHJ
The rule of thumb I’ve seen is enough invested to live on 4% of the principal per year (which you can get through growth or dividends without touching the principal). So if you can live on $40K a year, then $1M is file. If you need $100K, then $2.5M.
Anonymous
I have about 60 years of my life left and I think it’s hard to know what will happen in 60 years and how much $40 will inflation-adjust to. Plus, interest rates have been circling the drain forever, so a lot of people 30 years ago were probably planning to retire on interest when rates were 6% and that couldn’t have gone too well for them.
If I were already 60, there’s less to go wrong, more stuff paid off, and a smaller window to care about anyway.
Anonattorney
My number is $4.5 million. That’s roughly the number that most calculators come up with (except for the crazy ones that keep increasing my yearly salary and expect me to want to retire on 80% of my final salary).
Plus, you have to factor in inflation. I’m likely not going to retire for another 30 years, so even if I save $4.5 million, that will only give me the equivalent of $75,000/year after adjusting for inflation (assuming 2.5% annual inflation and a withdrawal rate of 4% per year). If you’re on a fixed income, that value will continue to decrease over time. Sixteen years after I retire, my annual income will be worth only $50,000 in today’s dollars. Before taxes.
Long story short – $4.5 million is how much I can afford to save in my very well-paying job over the course of 30 years of working. That’s what I’m shooting for. But I still don’t think it will be anywhere near enough.
Anonymous
are you saying that you don’t think $4.5M is enough for you alone, or it is not enough for you + husband + kids?
Anonattorney
For me and husband. I’m hopeful that I won’t have to support my kids in my retirement. And barring long-term disability or some sort of early onset illness that has a long convalescence (or supporting kids), I think we have a 50% chance of being comfortable with $4.5 million. But there are so many unknowns! Will taxes go up? If so, $75,000/year before taxes is probably more like $60,000/year in my state, right now. But if taxes increase, who knows. What will my health insurance cost? What if I need memory care?
Dog sledding
Has anyone ever been dog sledding? Would you recommend it? I’m a fan of cold weather / snow and somewhat outdoorsy. I know they’re “work” dogs in this case, but I also LOVE huskies. :)
Anon
So I have a super high-energy snow-breed dog (not a Husky, but similar), and we ended up training her for dog sledding and urban mushing to help burn off her energy.
It IS a lot of fun, but it’s a surprising amount of work for the rider. You don’t just sit there–you help kick off the sled, keep it upright, bank the turns, etc. You WILL be physically beat afterwards.
Also–don’t count on them being huskies! Friends of mine went sledding in New England and had their heart set on huskies, but most competitive/professional sledders use mixes that look nothing like them!
Anonymous
We’re dog lovers and considered doing this activity on an Alaska trip but after some research we decided against it. I think the whole industry is very cruel to the dogs, and we didn’t want to support it.
Dog sledding
Oh no! I had no idea! :( We’d be doing this up in Quebec…not sure if that makes a difference?
Anonymous
It may. I know a lot of the concern is that the Iditarod race itself is very cruel, since it pushes animals (and humans) to their physical brink and the dogs have to run with torn up paws and stuff like that. Most of the camps in Alaska that do rides are also training dogs for the Iditarod. If you visit a place that is just taking tourists on short rides and not forcing the dogs to do an insane long-distance race like the Iditarod it might be better. But if you’re an animal lover I would definitely look into it more.
Dog sledding
I will definitely look into it more (and a cursory google search doesn’t look good). I am absolutely an animal lover and donate to animal charities so would hate to support anything exploitative.
Anonymous
There’s a new documentary coming out about the dog sledding industry. Google it and the docu website might have info on how to find reputable dog sledding places.
Not sure if there are any organizations that set standards but I’d be looking for some kind of third party accreditation about how the dogs are treated.
RR
I went once on an excursion in Alaska. It was kind of sad actually. I was too young to do my research and have no idea how the place I went compares to what may be more reputable places.
emeralds
If you’re concerned about the ethics of dog-sledding, could you try to phone a friend who does skijoring?
Personally, I have really mixed feelings about dog-sledding. I think the Iditarod in its current form is awful, and that anyone who would put a dog through what those dogs go through should be arrested for animal cruelty. But I own a Northern sledding breed, and bb has a work ethic. She’s five now and very mellow, but from ages 1-3 she’d be happy running all. day. long. I’d take her for an eight mile run and 30 minutes after we got back, she’d be willing to go again. One time I hitched her to a small cart on a friend’s farm, and she freaking loved it: her eyes lit up, her tail started wagging like crazy, and she was happy to pull that thing for as long as I left her tied to it. She would have been super happy as a recreational sledding dog, and if we lived in a colder climate, we’d do skijoring. She’s a great house pet and family dog, but it is abundantly clear that she still has the working-dog DNA. I don’t think channeling a dog’s energy, drive, and work ethic is a bad thing, as long as they’re properly cared for and treated well; there are also many people in Alaska-type climates who rely on working dogs for transportation (see the Denali National Park sled dogs), and that dog-sledding has a long and venerable tradition within Native Alaskan communities.
I read once that you can tell the difference between a sh*tty dog sledder and an ethical one by how many old dogs they have in their front yards. I’m sure a quick Google will also give you recommendations on other ways to identify ethical sledding resources.
Torin
I have a shelter mutt with a similar amount of energy. She’s 6 now and slowing down, but when she was 2 I could take her for a 7 mile run in the morning and an hour later she’d be climbing the walls.
But, having run a couple of marathons, and knowing the kind of toll that takes on a body, things like the Iditarod seem really cruel to me. I decided to run those marathons of my own free will, and every twinge and ache was my decision. Putting dogs, who won’t say no no matter what you ask of them, through something like that seems cruel.
anon anon armani
We went a long time back in Alberta, using Snowy Owl Dog Sledding company. We saw where and how they treated their dogs and were very impressed. YMMY obi. We really enjoyed it and worked hard ourselves.
AIMS
Looking for a book recommendation for a friend. She’s gone through a rough divorce and has a lot of what she herself refers to as “issues” with her body image, intimacy stuff, setting boundaries with controlling family, self-esteem, anxiety, etc. She’s tried anti depressants and several therapists but hasn’t been able to find a good fit so has given up on that. I obviously can’t force that. But she likes to read and I was thinking maybe I can get her a good self-help or inspirational type book that could help in some ways. I’ve never been much for self help books myself though so not sure where to start. Ideally, looking for something that’s kind of stealthy helpful – i.e., not something that would make her uncomfortable if her controlling mother saw it or whatever (I think this is part of her issue, so trying to be sensitive). Is this a lost cause? Anyone have recommendations?
Anonymous
What about ‘The Happiness Project”?
Does she have an e-reader because that would be a good way to keep her mother out of stuff (while she works on setting appropriate boundaries).
Sydney Bristow
I second all of this.
Also, she might enjoy Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes.
AIMS
Her mom reads her email. An e-reader wouldn’t stop her. It’s a mess. But Happiness Project is innocuous enough as a title. Thanks!
Anonymous
This is so confusing. Can’t she just start using a web-based email service like g mail or y ahoo and access it via the web browser in her phone when the browser is in private mode?
Anonymous
Can she tell her mom that she’s in a book club with you? That way it’s an excuse for her to read basically anything because she didn’t pick the book.
AIMS
It’s not an issue about what to tell her mom. I am just trying to be sensitive to the situation. Her mom is a busy body. She will come over and just start looking through stuff, inc. email and texts. She’ll say “oh, show me that picture so and so texted you, that baby is so cute!” and then scroll through other messages. My friend doesn’t have the energy to constantly fight her on this so I am just accepting it as fact. If I got her a book called “How to Deal with Your Crazy Mother,” it wouldn’t go over well. But I’d still like to set her on the path to getting there.
P
Can you get her this book….with a different and totally boring book jacket? :)
Susan
“Women Who Run with Wolves” comes to mind.
AIMS
Thanks!
HQB
In a similar emotional position (different issues, though), I loved “Dear Sugar”, which is a collection of Cheryl Strayed’s columns. There’s also a really good article in The American Scholar on the doctor who developed cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and it helped renew my commitment to therapy – search for “The Doctor is In”.
Anon
Cheryl Strayed’s book is actually called Tiny Beautiful Things (it’s a collection of pieces from her Dear Sugar column), and +1 on this rec. I’ve gifted it to friends going through similarly tough situations and it has always been a hit.
HQB
Good catch; I totally whiffed on the title!
Laura B
I really liked You Are A Badass.
Anon
Other product rec I wanted to share, since I just got these and love them.
I have a job where wearing heels is pretty much required, but I’m on my feet 10-16 hours a day, and often sprint part of it. (event planner). There have been days where I have come home and I have bled through my shoes.
Another event planner I know recommended the Crocs Lina Wedges (I know, Crocs, really) and I ordered them in black. They look very normal, like your typical suede-ish wedges, have an almond toe, and the wedge is slightly curved so it’s not so clunky/blocky. It’s sleek enough that I can wear them with suits or dresses.
The other colors look off to me in person and obviously Croc-y, but the black looks like a nice, normal shoe.
I wore them this past weekend for a HUGE wedding and was on my feet for about 14 hours and was running up and down church stairs, and my feet never even ached.
Usually when I come home I need to soak my feet, bandage any blisters, etc…but I kicked off the shoes and felt…totally fine. Highly recommend to anyone who need a workhorse black pump who spends a lot of time on their feet.
On the Crocs website, their usually $50-60, but you can get them on Amazon for about $35 right now.
http://ow.ly/VWxG30758fA
Ms. Me
It’s perfectly fine to wear flats and not at all unprofessional. I think the only job where wearing heels is pretty much required is if you were a model and the heels were part of the outfit you were modeling.
Veronica Mars
FYI- Affiliate link for yousaucymin.
Cat
Stop posting disguised affiliate links. Shady, greedy, and inappropriate.
EventProf
I am also an event planner and gave up on heels very quickly. I would potentially give these a try, but I’ve found that the running-induced foot sweat has put me into the all-leather-only category of shoes because of the smell.
Sydney Bristow
My feet sweat too and I’ve found that Crocs rub on me and I get blisters. They’re certainly comfortable at first though.
Torin
I have a pair of the Crocs flats for bad weather, but I can’t wear them all day for the same reason. They rub blisters on my heels after a couple of hours. They’re comfortable until that point though, and good shoes to keep in the car for a short trek through bad weather.
YE law firm bonuses
This is an add on to the lawyer who was mad about giving their secretary a year end cash gift. I’m a paralegal, and at the law firm where I work, the paralegals and secretaries are being hit up to give a year end cash gift to the runners. Because, yeah, apparently we low-wage peons need to be doing that? Sigh.
Julia
That’s crazy. I’m sorry you are being put in that position.
AIMS
Has anyone tried the puffy coat from Everlane? Reviews?
(Also: Kat/Kate, I posted a long comment about self help book recommendations and it seems to have gone into some kind of commenting purgatory… anyway to pull it out?)
Cindy
TJ- Where are the best places to get post-Christmas deals on ornaments? I’m not looking for anything hand-painted or super fancy, but something a step above the typical drug store offerings. TIA!
ALX emily
Crate and Barrel!
Cb
CostPlus or Pier One?
Ms. Me
I always liked going to Bloomingdales when they open the morning after Christmas – they have great stuff. You definitely need to be there in the morning, though.
AIMS
Department stores. Crate and Barrel (if you like the style) also tends to have a pretty good clearance on ornaments right after xmas but I think the in-store selection is better than online.
Cindy
Thanks everyone!
Triangle Pose
I would like to know this as well!
H
Pier 1
Maddie Ross
IME, TJ Maxx and Homegoods.
Anonymous
Hallmark
anon anon armani
For a step moderately upwards, sales on Gumps and Frontgate … beautiful things, a step up from my favorites at C & Barrel. Merry Christmas to you!
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
Hardware stores and places like Home Depot. I am not kidding.
Gift ideas?
All, I am coming up completely empty on gift ideas for my Mom. She is very low-maintenance and never spoils herself. She does like fashion and looking nice but spends pretty much no money on herself. She spends her time taking care of her grandkids and essentially cleaning all.the.time (no idea how or why, but she does). Past gifts have included kindles and ipads so those are off the table this year. TIA!
Cb
Something for the garden (the garden, garden, get your mind out of the gutter)? I got my parents these cool solar lights and am also getting my mom a fancy electric kettle you can use for pourover coffee (with the long, curved spout). Or a Roomba so she can spend less time cleaning?
Gift ideas?
Thank you for the suggestions!! We got her a Roomba one year and she refused to use it…I think she found it too complicated. The outdoor space is really more my father’s hobby. The fancy electric kettle sounds like a great idea. She has a kettle she uses every morning but I really don’t know whether it’s because she loves it or if it’s out of necessity…
Anonymous
we did a fancy electric kettle for my MIL one year and it was a hit
Veronica Mars
I got my dad a Breville teamaker and he’s entranced by it. That might be a good one to look into. It’s fully automatic and great for someone who likes loose leaf tea.
Anon
Get her a HotShot and have someone install it for her! It is an instant hot water boiler that is accessible from the sink. It comes out the perfect temperature for tea, and it makes boiling water on the stove quicker. My parents have one and I desperately miss having one.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/InSinkErator-Invite-H-HOT100-Instant-Dispenser/dp/B00ZP90S4E/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1481649827&sr=8-2&keywords=hot+water+tap
Sydney Bristow
I got my stepmom a copper hummingbird feeder from Etsy. She already has some feeders in the yard and plants flowers that attract them so I got her an upgraded fancy one. Perhaps you could try something similar? If there’s something you know she uses all the time you could get her an upgraded version.
anon anon armani
Gardener’s Supply Company has lovely tools and decorative items. Older folks have loved their rubber (?) trugs (flexible bins with handles) and the gardening stools (for weeding etc.)
Anonymous
My kids are painting wood christmas ornaments for relatives
Anonymous
Perfume?
Marshmallow
Pretty stud earrings that she can wear all the time? Gold knots, small diamonds, something like that.
anne-on
We got my in-laws who travel a lot and just got an ipad/iphone a UE Boom. We have one for the house and really love it for playing music/podcasts/listening to tv while we work out. Great sound quality and very very easy to work via the bluetooth.
AIMS
My mom loves fancy hand creams; anything from L’Occitane (sic?); really comfy slippers; good tea; fancy mugs and teapots.
Things that I have gotten her that she’s really been happy with in the past: an Eileen Fisher vest (similar one on sale at L&T right now for $194 minus an extra 30% off. I sort of want it for myself); a Bodum French Press; LeCreuset tea pot; Jo Malone perfume; and one of those wooden things for your bathtub that goes across like a tray so you can put a book there when you’re taking a bath.
This is the vest btw – awesome deal and looks awesome imo: http://www.lordandtaylor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/lord-and-taylor/silk-and-cashmere-puffer-vest
Anon
There’s a “living with purpose” journal/planner called Cultivate What Matters. Helps you spend some time figuring out your goals, and then guided exercises to create action plans. Woman-owned small business. I’m getting it for my mom, who is getting close to retirement and keeps saying she’s “excited for what’s next” but never mentions anything concrete.
I get the sense it’s technically a religious-based takeoff of Purpose Driven Life, but I flipped through the book and didn’t see anything overtly religious, so maybe I’m just reading into it too much.
anon anon armani
The Five Minute Journal. Great, fairly open minded and open format, focuses upon gratitude. Not a pretty binding though.
Anonymous
I’m probably your mom’s age and I love my Amazon Echo. She can use it to play music, make a shopping list, check the news and weather, ask questions about how to divide or multiply a recipe, set timers, and so on. If she can handle a Kindle or iPad she can definitely cope with Alexa.
New Work Tote
I’m expecting a job offer very shortly and am getting myself a new work tote to celebrate. Right now, I have the Tory Burch York, Kate Spade (Maya or something similar) and the Lo and Sons Seville in the running. I may very occasionally need to carry a laptop but unlikely, it’s more like pads/files/a small redweld plus all my normal day junk. Any thoughts??
ace
I just got a seville and have been impressed. The biggest selling point for me for Lo & Sons is that they’re lightweight & smartly designed inside, so great for travel or when you’re on the road. The 13 incher is plenty big for my day to day — 15 would be big for day to day I think. Hope that’s helpful!
Shopaholic
The Rebecca Minkoff Always on Regan Tote has room for a laptop but also a good size for papers and stuff… it’s on my list for sure. And Nordstrom has it in a beautiful grey/taupe with gold hardware.
DC Deep Clean
Following up on the house-cleaning question above, how much do you think is reasonable for a one-time deep clean for a 500 sq ft studio? I’m in DC.
And have any of you used Handy for this? What was your experience?
AIMS
I’ve used Handy in NY. My experience was so-so. The first person who we got was great. After that it was hit or miss. Nothing bad but not that thorough. Biggest issue is the customer service. I literally could not figure out how to get to an actual person on the phone when I need to cancel last minute. The woman that came said that she can’t get through to them either (not a good sign). I also couldn’t find some jewelry after the last clean and I am not sure if I misplaced it or not, so didn’t say anything, but between that and the lack of customer service, I cancelled. There are better local services to use if you don’t want to deal with an individual directly. In NYC, I can happily recommend Wizard of Homes.
Anon
Handy really varies in quality. I’ve had great cleanings and incredibly lackluster cleanings. So far, every time I’ve tried to request a previous good cleaner, they’ve been unavailable. We’ve contemplated switching to taskrabbit, but it’d be almost double the cost.
But, the 2 hour handy minimum should be fine for a deep clean on a studio. Be prepared for the cleaner to text you repeatedly, ask repeatedly to show up early, show up early unannounced, etc.
Parfait
I use Handy. It’s so-so until you get a great cleaner and they have enough availability to accept your requests for them every time. My last great one moved out of town, then it was hit or miss for a while until I found another great one. I like that I can tip via the app and I don’t have to have cash around.
ThredUp
I am a first time thred up user and got an email confirmation that my bag was received and would be processed by the 9th. I went to check and it looks like my account has been deleted, can’t login, can’t request a new password. Any suggestions? Without logging in there is no way to contact customer service – is anyone else a member and have their number?
JuniorMinion
As far as I know, there is a way to submit a query through the website. If you go to “Contact Us” on their website and click through one of the areas there should be a section to contact them if your question isn’t resolved
Link below may work as well:
http://support.thredup.com/hc/en-us/requests/new
OP
Thank you! This link was helpful, as I can’t navigate through the website without logging in.
Two Cents
My family is participating in a white elephant gift exchange, and I’m looking for ideas on a good gift. It actually should be a legit gift (not a gag gift, but if it happens to be funny/clever that’s great too). Maximum price is $20. 15 of us will be participating, mix of men and women, and many don’t drink alcohol so that is out.
Any ideas? I’m terrible at buying gifts and would appreciate any suggestions. Thank you.
MSJ
Google cardboard (https://vr.google.com/cardboard). At the very least, would get a lot of use at the party and is only $15.
OP
Can you explain what this is?
Anon
It is a virtual reality headset made of cardboard. The person downloads an app, puts their phone in the headset, and you can see the world in 38. In google’s app you can go to the Great barrier reef, on a roller coaster, etc etc. It’s fun, I gave my brother who has everything one last year. The whole family got a good laugh out of it.
Sarabeth
Bag of nice coffee plus a funny mug?
JuniorMinion
I just went through this! I ended up getting a 1-2 cup pour over (Chemex esque but with the fine grain metal mesh sieve so you don’t need paper filters) on a lightning deal on Amazon for ~$13 and then got a fun mug to go with it (I’m a nerd so I got one with the caffeine molecule on it :). I’m actually really excited about it and kind of want it for myself (would improve bad office coffee!).
Small electronics could also be good (thinking like one of those portable chargers or a key finder thing / car charger/USB converter – I got my husband one one year that was the flux capacitor from back to the future ) or a small kitchen gadget / couple of nice kitchen utensils (Think like microplane grater + lemon juicer or cutting board + small paring knife – actually have found a good selection of these at TJMaxx and the like) – I always think of the stuff I never buy myself but wish I had when it comes to cooking.
AIMS
Mini fondue pot from Sur La Table and a bag of some melting nice chocolate. http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-2191336/Fondue+It+Yourself+Melting+Pot
Anonymous
Mug with emergency dad jokes: https://www.etsy.com/listing/277134126/funny-mug-emergency-dad-jokes-dad
A slate cheese board of your state: http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/state-slate-cheese-boards
Pizza cutter and server: http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/pizza-cutter-and-server
Snuggie
Jitterbug
Why is it called a white elephant if gag gifts aren’t allowed? Are there areas where “white elephant” is basically another word for “yankee swap”?
Godzilla
I purchased a pink tool kit for my office white elephant. Tools are always a hit but I decided on pink because maybe someone’s wife needs a kit (or someone who doesn’t mind the color pink – most of my coworkers are married men). I have my own pink toolkit and my brothers have told me multiple times that they wanted to steal it so badly because it’s so convenient but they haven’t because it’s pink. So it’s always very handy and put-together.
Sydney Bristow
On the tool idea, I got this as a stocking stuffer for my husband. It seems like it would be handy for anyone who likes to build things (or at least put things together). http://a.co/5N5jQSl
I love the pink tool kit idea though. I’m keeping that one in mind for future gift exchanges.
Godzilla
Oh, that’s a good one! I’m tempted to get it for myself. This is the one I got https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01EEQXYOY/ref=sr_ph_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481651968&sr=sr-1&keywords=pink+tool+kit
OP
Thank you all for the wonderful ideas! Wow, impressed. I should have mentioned that half this group doesn’t drink coffee either (tea drinkers).
AIMS, love the fondue idea especially. That might be the ticket.
Keep the ideas coming!
anomanom
Fancy tea infuser! I keep talking myself out of a manatee or the sloth infusers at target, but would 100% be amazing to me in a white elephant exchange.
Anonymous
Plus the “Nessie” Loch Ness Monster soup ladle. https://www.amazon.com/Ototo-OT815-Nessie-Ladle-Green/dp/B00WSQ0M34
Sydney Bristow
I have one of these and it makes me happy every time I see it.
Lillers
I always think party games are a good “useful” White Elephant gift. I like Exploding Kittens, Stratego, Scattergories, Cards Against Humanity, etc. Something else fun is to wrap a box of microwave popcorn or some $2 movie snacks with a $20 gift card to local movie theater.
Tbh, I would donate a coffee mug if I got another one. We already have a million and get them for free and for gifts every year. Plus I don’t even drink coffee.
Anon
+1. Board or card games have been my standard white elephant gift for the past few years, and always seems well received. You can do the “standards” like LCR, Uno, Skipbo, Rook, Dominos, Spoons, etc. You can do more classic ones like Pit, Codenames, Taboo, Would You Rather, Say Anything, Outburst, Catch Phrase, etc. Or you can do more modern/adult ones like CAH, Telestrations, Exploding Kittens, Monikers, F&!# the Game, and Drunk Stoned or Stupid.
Anonymous
Fuzzy blanket, chocolates, and wine slushie mixes. I make my own wine slushie mixes and package them nicely, or you can buy them as well.
In House Counsel
How about packing cubes — can get several highly rated ones on Amazon for around $20
dfasad ff da
Do you have a unique (in color/material/shape) piece that you find surprisingly versatile for work? Just thinking of ideas.
CPA Lady
Gray patent leather heels.
pugsnbourbon
Do you mind sharing the brand or style? I’m always looking for gray shoes.
CPA Lady
I got them at Ann Taylor three or four years ago. They were just the classic pump or whatever they called the basic 3.5 inch heel at the time. It looks like they have some plain gray kitten heels right now, 40% off in lucky sizes.
Anonymous
I adore grey shoes. I bought the Alexandra style from Trotters on a recommendation here a year or two ago. Thanks, whoever you were! Easily my most comfortable pumps. I like the idea of patent grey shoes, though.
anne-on
Ditto. Ann taylor makes a particularly comfy version and I buy them every single time I see them.
Lillers
I have the forest green leather AT skirt another poster commented about yesterday. It’s surprisingly neutral and I get a lot of compliments on it.
I have a lot of midi sheath dresses that are really flattering and somewhat outside of the box.
The trendy soft (subtle, not extreme) bell sleeve you see on a lot of blouses is really versatile. It’s very feminine and you can layer under sweaters/cardigans with the ruffle just peeking out of the cuff.
That was me!
Hey that was me! I just use kinda random usernames. That skirt is basically what inspired this question
Engines
I have a forest green pencil skirt that I got a couple years ago on a whim, and it has been a great fun neutral. I probably wear it at least once a month if not twice. I usually pair it with a black or cream top. Mine is the basic H&M pencil skirt and it has pockets and is incredibly comfortable.
Anonymous
To the person who was looking for a plus sized jardigan a little while ago, try the Nic + Zoe knit blazer cardy.
Anonymous
Wasn’t me, but I really like this! I just may pull the trigger.
Anonymous
This is my first Christmas divorced, and I’m feeling rather blue. I don’t miss my ex, but I feel lonely. Anyone been through this? Tips to create new, solo traditions?
CHJ
I got divorced about 10 years ago and dreaded my first divorced Christmas, and then there was a big snow storm so I couldn’t even travel to see my family. But in a surprise twist, it was actually really great! I had two of my Jewish friends over on Christmas Eve and we stayed up late drinking mulled wine, and then I spent Christmas Day with one of my very best friends whose parents were in India for the holiday. We went out for brunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, went hiking, and then watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer all evening. It remains one of my favorite Christmases of all time.
For what to do – focus on what makes you happy. What do you like about the holiday? (I still put up a Christmas tree because I love the lights at night). Are there aspects that you don’t like and would be happy to scrap? Do you have friends who don’t celebrate Christmas and would be up for doing something fun? It can be really empowering to reclaim the holiday and make it your own.
AIMS
I recently volunteered to deliver a holiday meal with a friend and I was surprised by how much I got out of it. There are a lot of opportunities for stuff like this during this time and maybe focusing on giving back instead of yourself (not a judgment!) would help you feel good – it usually works for me.
Anonymous
Do you like to travel? Friends in your situation have done solo travel over the Christmas-New Year’s week (as an added bonus, if you have a stressful job it’s the one time of year you can reliably travel without having to do work on vacation). I like CHJ’s suggestion of spending it with non-Christian friends too. My husband and I do a traditional Jewish Christmas (Chinese food and a movie) and we’d love to have a friend come along.
Torin
+1 to travel
My parents’ divorced a few years ago and our family holiday traditions fell apart. The first couple of years I let it depress me and stress me out. Then I started just leaving town. Last year I went on a fabulous 7 day trip with a non-Christian friend. Our plane tickets were cheap, and the place we went wasn’t a Christmas-y tourism place, so nothing was crowded and we got to see everything we wanted to see and eat everything we wanted to eat. I’m doing the same this year. Highly recommend doing this.
Struggle Bus
Young associate with a new puppy at home. I am struggling to get back into my regular work routine and can’t seem to focus on anything other than the pup. My partner takes care of him, since they work from home. We live in a city/small space, so it’s hard to take him out (riding the elevator, etc.), but we are doing well (and really honestly, the pup is so much smarter than I’d ever imagined and by all measures has been doing really well). I realize that as he grows, he will get to go to all sorts of camps + day care + have a dog walker, etc., and burn all off that energy, but right now we’re waiting for full vaccinations (he’s a bitty babe).
I feel scared about my ability to properly care for the pup. I feel like I’ll never get my life back and I feel like it’s going to affect my performance at work. Any tips for coping with these changes? I love him and even when I thought “okay, what if we rehomed him?” I can’t imagine parting with him.
Surely I’m not the only human who has struggled with this.
Anonymous
Girl. It’s a dog. Pull yourself together. It’s a dog who has full time live in care from your work from home partner. Of course this dog is being adequately cared for! If you’re having accidents on the way out of the building, try more frequent trips. This should not in any way be impacting your work performance.
Anonymous
Woah, slow down OP! Why are you even talking about rehoming him? You are borrowing trouble.
The dog has someone home with him full-time – how could that possibly not be caring for a dog properly? Most dogs stay home by themselves all day with some being lucky enough to get a daytime visit by their owner or dog sitter.
I love my dog – he is old and has medical issues, but I don’t have a problem focusing at work and he gets cared for properly with no help from others except for the pet sitter when I occaisionally can’t make it home over lunch.
Veronica Mars
Allow yourself to drink a lot of wine and be overwhelmed. I’d also hire a dog trainer and/or go to puppy obedience classes (I’d take mine to class, but he’s leash reactive so that’s a no-go). I found a trainer that’s $75 a session (most in my area are like $80-$150) and mostly he comes and listens to the problem I’m having with the dog, gives me some training exercises to work on, and assures me that it’s normal and we can train the dog not to do that. So he’s really more emotional support for me than dog trainer (although he does do an excellent job with my dog and gets him complying for all kinds of new skills). I also text him questions in between sessions. Maybe do that? It is awesome having reassurance from a professional if that’s in your budget.
anomanom
I read something once about how dog trainers aren’t really training the dogs, they are training the owners.
Fellow First Time Dog Owner
Agree with that – human brains and puppy brains don’t work the same way. We need to learn how to train them.
Veronica Mars
I agree—this is definitely what’s happening. It’s not a dog problem, it’s a me problem. My dog has some challenges (under socialization and reactivity), but he’s smart and food motivated. I’m convinced my trainer could work through them much faster than I can.
anon
Is this your first dog? He’s going to be fine. Housebreaking and puppy energy are temporary issues. And if someone is home with him during the day, housebreaking will happen. And he will sleep through the night, stop chewing your stuff, etc. Yes, this is a new responsibility and it will seem for a while like you are always scheduling around a dog. But, you figure it out. I think that daycare is good for young dogs and dogs that need a lot of exercise, but for many dogs, it’s really just a way for their owners to feel better. My lazy adult dogs are perfectly happy sleeping on the couch now- dogs sleep a large amount of the day. I highly recommend taking some basic obedience classes with him, both for his mental stimulation and manners training and for increased bonding.
Anonymous
You have to accept that as someone in Big Law you can’t care for a puppy. An adult dog, sure. Just hire a dog walker. But a person working Big Law hours does not have the time or energy to house train a puppy. Thankfully your partner can. But you have to let your partner take responsibility for this, or your work performance will suffer.
(True story: I used to work for a partner who would request associates be transferred off his cases when he found out they had adopted a dog. I always thought that was crazy – and my work performance definitely didn’t suffer when I adopted an adult dog – but you are kind of proving his point.)
Jitterbug
Personally, I don’t know anyone who’s struggled with this, but I’d have to imagine you’re not alone. If you’re not used to being responsible for another life, this does seem a little scary. Like being a new parent! Well, almost. You might make a mistake, the dog may make some messes at first, but as long as you take it for walks, feed it, and make sure someone can care for it during the day, both you and the little pupper are going to be just fine.
(and the people giving you a hard time for worrying are mean)
Struggle Bus
Thanks for the replies.
I think the biggest thing is just the sleep deprivation (feels worse than we I was studying for the bar, feeling like I lost my freedom (my job was fairly good hours for biglaw and I was just getting into a great routine with my partner), and worry about if things will get better. A lot of what I read online call it “puppy blues.”
My partner is awesome and is on board for raising the pup, I just worry about the inherent unfairness for them to have to do everything during this early stage of the puppy’s life.
I could see why a partner would request that–particularly if expectations are high and the associate is only relying on paid help (someone who doesn’t live in the same home, etc.), since the associate will have to occasionally step out to take care of a young pup. I’m still getting good remarks on my assignments and good feedback, but I do worry that the sleep deprivation and life-changes may affect this. I only say that because I felt that I had become a little better at this and was on my way to really enjoying practice (I love my firm and practicing law).
Thanks for letting me vent.
Struggle Bus
*(feels worse than when I was studying for the bar)
Anonymous
OMG, I really hope you’re practicing good birth control. This is a ridiculous response to getting a puppy. And I can’t imagine that there is truly such thing as the “puppy blues” like the post-partum “baby blues.” Girl, get a grip.
Anonymous
+1 “puppy blues”??? what on Earth? This can’t be real.
Veronica Mars
This is way harsh, Tai. It’s normal to be overwhelmed when making big life changes–moving, new job, and I’d say adopting a puppy is also a significant change in terms of both your schedule and your emotional energy that you’re now having to use to care for a little wriggling thing. It’s not her fault if the internet calls it something hyperbolic. Hang in there OP!
Anonymous
Having a puppy can be overwhelming, but acting like there’s an equivalent to postpartum depression for dog adoption is insane and beyond insulting to women who have actually suffered from postpartum depression (which is hormonal, and not just because you’re tired and stressed out).
Struggle Bus
I apologize if it came across like I was equating it to that. My mother had terrible PPD with me that went undiagnosed and made her life a living hell–also hurt our relationship and required much work on our part as I grew up.
I should clarify that’s what the Internet referred to as the mixed bag of feelings when you regret getting your puppy, begin thinking about rehoming, and wondering if your life will be like this for the decade + that the dog will be a part of your life.
Anonymous
+1
Lana
Sleep deprivation should end quickly. How old is the puppy? Do you go comfort it in the middle of the night? I remember the hardest night with my girl was the night we first brought her home and she cried all night. DH and I both struggled to not get up with her, but she never cried at night again (granted, she was 15 weeks old at the time and her bladder could make it from right before bed until as soon as we woke up).
DH and I got her while he worked busy season as a CPA at a big 4 accounting firm. Raising the puppy was on me for those first 3-5 months because of that and my flexible schedule. Sometimes it sucked (like when I had to take care of her after being spayed all by myself) and felt unfair, but 90% of the time I loved that bonding period with the puppy and how close we are now. They are so sweet at that age so that even though they take a ton of time, you get so much love in return. If your partner isn’t complaining, don’t worry about the inherent unfairness.
Also, things will 100% get easier, but you will look back and miss this stage.
Lana
After reading some of the other replies talking about a puppy vs. kids, just wanted to remind you: a puppy can go in a crate and be left unattended (for increasing periods of time as it gets older). Your partner can put the puppy in a crate and focus on work at home as needed, with bathroom breaks. They aren’t stuck caring for the puppy 24/7 the way you are with a baby. Take advantage of this flexibility. Puppies like to sleep, the crate keeps them from chewing things, and then you get your life back. The puppy is not going to feel horribly neglected because you put it in a crate to go to dinner.
Anonymous
I mean, people live through periods of sleep deprivation (see anyone who has children) and they manage to make it through. My old dog coughs every night because he has a collapsed trachea even with all the meds, so I haven’t slept through a night since April. It’s fine. I manage.
You sound like an anxious person to begin with, maybe trying techniques to manage your anxiety as a whole would help? If your partner is on board and, presumably agreed to this arrangement, why are you projecting your fears on him/her when they aren’t a reality yet. Stop borrowing trouble! It’s going to be fine. And if it’s not, your partner should/will tell you. Puppies grow up.
Of course, this is one of the reasons I recommend adopting adult dogs :)
Anon
I’m sorry for thinking this, because you are likely a real poster with a real question, but I can’t help but think you are f*cking with us and that you’re trying to elicit some sort of weird reaction re: partners (mostly women) who stay home with their children to care for them, and how the partners (mostly men) who go back to work full-time shouldn’t give a sh*t because someone is watching the kid anyway.
Anonymous
+1. There have been a few posts over the past several days that have given me similar thoughts–for example, the one asking for gift suggestions for the multi-millionaire sister who had given the poster a car.
Anonymous
And yet Ellen has gone dormant! (Sadly – I miss her brand of “comment that starts normal and spins waaaay out there”)
Struggle Bus
Nope, totally anxious human (normally lurker on the site) with real question, posting because I was curious on responses.
j
Dude, don’t listen to the haters. When my husband and I adopted our pup 5 years ago we adored him but basically didn’t have a non-dog-related conversation for the first few months. Adopting the puppy changed my life more than getting married or changing jobs, for all of the reasons you mentioned. I had never had a dog before so it was particularly dramatic for me (who knew you have to teach them how to walk??). Life will both get back to normal as your pup grows up and your preferences will change but in ok ways as you would rather stay home. Don’t rehome – but do consider trainers and books. I highly recommend Patricia McConnell’s books – they were a life saver for our challenging pup. This makes me again wish we could post pictures here – would love to see a little bitty pup! Good luck!
PatsyStone
I agree. It was a huge change for me too, I had never had a dog before either. It actually turned out to be a great lesson in the futility of perfectionism and feeling like things need to be a certain way. Which in the end made the transition to parenthood a lot easier.
I remember “walking” my now ten year old yellow lab when he was a puppy and a neighbor with a lab commented that he would remain completely nuts for three years. This was true. Super active until 8, only now slowing down a little. It’s a long transition but you’ll make it, puppies are rough..
Struggle Bus
Thank you both for the kind words and advice! I’ll check out the books.
First-time pet owner and absolutely agree w/ perfectionism comment. I’m learning. I get that things are more serious for other people, of course this is a minor concern, but people get really great advice on this site, so I wanted to try and see what people had to say.
I appreciate it!
Fellow First Time Dog Owner
We got our pup about a year ago, although she was a bit older than yours (~10 months). Give yourself permission to set boundaries. I set boundaries with people but our dog I felt it wouldn’t be effective/ she couldn’t handle it. Also, it felt cruel because she would look at me with those big brown eyes and I’d melt. There were two things that really helped me come around on this issue (emotionally and practically). 1) I read “The Other End of the Leash”. It’s basically a training book but it discusses dog dynamics quite a bit. It was an excellent reminder that dog-dog interactions are filled with unmet requests for attention (so it’s ok for humans to do it too). 2) Training class. Chatting with the instructor about different behavioral issues was much more valuable than teaching him how to sit (although that was good too).
emeralds
I had to leave my dog at home alone for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for the first time in her life last year. I felt so guilty about it for so long, but would just remind myself 1) She’s loved. 2) She’s safe. 3) I do everything I can to keep her healthy–annual exams, preventative medications, and prompt vet care as needed. 4) She gets an appropriate amount of food for her size and dietary needs. 5) She has the proper training to be an obedient, successful, and happy house dog. 6) Most dogs in the world would love to have even half of the care and attention that she gets.
She’s back to daily mid-day walks now, plus my SO only works during the day three days a week, and clearly she’s happier with her life now. But I would also be happier not working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to pay for the ridiculously expensive dog food that’s the only thing she’ll deign to eat, soooo buttercup just had to suck it up for a year.
anon
Please never have a baby if a puppy stresses you out this much. Seriously.
Jitterbug
I have to disagree. OP isn’t ready for kids now, but after she and her partner have had the dog for a while, and gotten used to being responsible for another life, it won’t be stressful anymore, and having a kid might not seem so scary either.
It’s all about gaining experience and perspective. No one’s born ready for ALL THE THINGS life has to offer, we all take things one step at a time.
Struggle Bus
I agree with both of you actually, haha.
I definitely don’t want children, though perhaps that will change. We really planned and thought out getting this dog, so I really think it’s just been a rough transition. I get it seems dramatic, I was mostly venting to someone who wasn’t my SO (who feels very similarly), because we understand people might be more judgmental IRL.
Veronica Mars
You might be surprised. Ask your friends what it was like getting their dogs. (I started out asking why they picked their dogs out of all the ones at the shelter) One of my good friends told me that she hated her dog for the first month, and it took time to bond, and that it was normal to question adopting the dog after you’d brought them home. She was great to text as well.
Anonymous
I felt a lot of the same emotions that you’re feeling now when I first got my dog. We rescued a puppy that was VERY scared of people, and I got overwhelmed that I wasn’t prepared to deal with it. I know a lot of people are pouncing on your rehoming thoughts, but I think that’s just you testing the strength of your feelings for the pup against your practical side. We did the same thing, and we even had a “contact rescue about rehoming on X date” set on the calendar if things didn’t improve. The thing is, everything improves drastically. Your pup is still figuring you out, and you and your partner are still settling into a routine. I’m writing this with my dog curled into my arm–this is the same creature that hid under my bed and barked at me for weeks while only darting out to steal shoes to bring back to his layer to destroy. Just know that things are a lot more intense/time consuming now as your dog settles in than they will be in a few months. The puppy blues pass not because you get used to it, but because you and the dog learn each others behavior and get onto the same routine.
Also seconding the suggestion for obedience classes. It helps teach you how to communicate with your dog so the two of you can understand one another faster. I’d also recommend bell training your dog to go outside. We do this and it helped immensely. Here is the video we used, but there are a ton on Youtube. http://youtu.be/b0BZKKUNKwo It also was something we mastered in an afternoon.
Struggle Bus
Thank you! We’d heard about bell training and will definitely try it!
Miz Swizz
This was totally us! We’d planned on adopting an older dog and wound up with an 8-week-old puppy. Puppies are hard! We had to take him out every 3 hours to get the hang of potty training so my husband would do the middle of the night one and I’d take the early morning outing. It’s incredibly overwhelming to be thrust into this caretaker position and we found ourselves doing what we thought was right and then finding out after the fact that we weren’t transitioning things slow enough (new food and crating immediately come to mind). It gets easier as you get into a routine.
Anonymous
I’m worried about you. What are you doing for your anxiety?
This level of stress over a puppy, when you have all the help you could ever dream for is not normal.
What is really going on with you?
Honestly?
Struggle Bus
Actually, working on it for sure, for a long time now. I’m generally not super stressed out, just have a ton of work and can’t seem to focus after sleep deprived nights (we’ve only had him for a short short time).
I haven’t been this stressed out in forever (maybe bar exam?) because of many things I’ve been doing to work on my anxiety and reaction to things.
But for this one, I promise what’s really going on with me is feeling guilty about having a hard time with a pup we planned and prepared for. I really thought it was going to be easier (in a “this will be hard, but not that hard” sort of way). I also do not function well after a few nights of sleep deprivation.
Fellow First Time Dog Owner
On the plus side, when we got our dog I started logging 13k steps on my fitbit everyday without fail. And I live in the car-dependent suburbs…
Anon
I have no clue why all these commenters are so harsh. Getting a pet is a big responsibility and adjustment. OP, you’re fine. Give it time and everything will settle down. You’re doing everything you need to do here.
Struggle Bus
Thanks!
Also Just Got A Dog
I know I’m late, but wanted to weigh-in. I have no idea why these commentators are being so harsh to you- this is actually quite a common feeling for new dog owners. I adopted my first dog last month (my family has had dogs but this is the first I’m 100% responsible for) and I know I definitely had a few moments when I thought it wasn’t going to work and I made a huge mistake. My dog is a year old and already house trained, so I felt like I couldn’t complain but it’s normal to feel overwhelmed with this life change. I would recommend looking up a blog called 3 Lost Dogs. The author has some great resources for dog training and the transition of introducing a dog to your home and life. He really helped me see things clearly when I was feeling insecure about bringing my dog into my life. I’m sure a year from now you’ll look back and won’t be able to even imagine life without your dog. Good luck!
Struggle Bus
Thank you! I’ll check out the blog!
Pesh
Kind of random, but have any of you had success sugaring cranberries? I want to make some, but when I tried it last Christmas I had trouble getting the sugar to stick (used simple syrup, then granulated sugar). Any tips?
AIMS
Powdered sugar!
Sydney Bristow
I’ve only done it once, but the instructions in this recipe worked for me. I think the key is leaving them in the simple syrup overnight. They were really sticky. http://www.lifeloveandsugar.com/2014/12/08/sparkling-cranberry-white-chocolate-cake/ (The cake itself was just ok for how much work it took)
anon
I think I’ve made this recipe. OP, make sure you do the candying on a dry day. Rainy/humid days make everything soft and sticky.
anne-on
Is powdered sugar the same as sanding sugar? I’ve heard to use half regular sugar and half sanding sugar to roll them in (after soaking them overnight).
Pesh
No, Sanding Sugar is just more fine than standard granular – it’s also called Super Fine Sugar. Powdered Sugar is just powder. You usually want to use something with a grain so that you get a sparkle. I usually use a mixture of organic sugar (larger grain), granular and superfine to get a nice coating. I think my problem was not soaking overnight!
Greensleeves
Yes, every year! My kids love them. I use the Sparkling Cranberries recipe at 101 Cookbooks. If you search for Sparkling Cranberries it will be one of the top results.
Anon in NYC
I used this method from Smitten Kitchen (from her gingerbread layer cake recipe): Make sugared cranberries: Bring 1 cup granulated sugar and 1 cup water to a gentle simmer (not a full boil) on the stove, stirring until sugar has dissolved. Remove from heat and add cranberries. Pour mixture into a bowl and let syrupy cranberries chill in fridge overnight, or at least 8 hours. The next morning, drain cranberries (you can reserve syrup for soda or sweetening cocktails). Place remaining 1/3 cup sugar in a bowl and roll cranberries in it. Arrange them on a tray or plate and refrigerate for another 45 minutes to an hour, so that the sugar sets. (They’ll feel mostly dry to the touch.)
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Repost from previous thread, hopefully less of a rambling mess.
Question for the hive: how and when did you know you wanted a family?
I’m dating a lovely man who’s perfect for me in every respect. We have many common interests and hobbies, compatible temperaments and politics, and we’ve been together for a year, which is the longest either of us has been with anyone. We’ve met each other’s families, even adopted a kitten together but we haven’t talked about the next step. It seems natural that we will at some point get married and start a family. I know he wants at least one child, and he’s also 9 years older than me, so he probably wants to get on it sooner rather than later. He’s an only child, not by choice (his mother had some health issues that prevented her from having more children), which means if we do get married there’ll be a lot of pressure on us to start procreating.
The only thing is that I’m not sure that is what I want. Until a couple of years ago, I was certain I didn’t want kids, and only started reconsidering my decision when I saw several friends get married and have children. I’m in my late twenties, planning to finish my PhD within a year, and I don’t know what I’ll do afterwards. I’ve always envisioned a life as an activist/scholar/traveler, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that while committed to a man and a family. Pregnancy and childbirth seem terrifying to me, not to mention the idea of being off caffeine and alcohol for months or possibly years, breastfeeding, hormonal changes, weight fluctuation and sleep deprivation.
Over the past few years, since before I met him, I sometimes caught myself planning what I would teach my children, the books I’d get them, how our life would be organized–even what breakfasts I’d make. Now that I’m in a relationship that seems headed towards a marriage-and-children scenario, I’m seriously considering it. However, I’m worried I’m only doing so because I’m with someone who wants that. I’m worried I’m committing to something I’m going to regret later in life. I don’t know if I should put off having children–are there real drawbacks to having them in your 30s/early 40s (besides increased difficulty getting pregnant), in terms of relationship with them, or energy levels? My parents had me and my brother in their mid- to late-twenties, so they keep claiming that’s the best age but obviously they’re biased.
I also have an anxiety disorder and am prone to depression. This is important for two reasons: 1) I’m worried about the possibility of postpartum depression, and 2) my boyfriend doesn’t know about the anxiety disorder, and knows about the depression but not how bad it can get (at my low point, suicidal ideation, for which I sought immediate help). I haven’t told him these details yet, mostly because he’s a psychiatrist and I’m worried about our relationship having doctor-patient overtones. I will tell him eventually, I just need to figure out when and how, so any advice about that as well would be super useful.
So Hive Mind: Have you regretted having children? Having them too early, or too late? Have you made the opposite choice–prioritized your “free spirit” vision of a future over having a family? Have you regretted it? I need some perspective from practical, focused ladies. Apologies if this all sounds ignorant/unsophisticated, but I’m kind of freaking out.
Anonymous
It sounds like your primary concern is about the physical effects of pregnancy and childbirth, so adoption could be a good option for you. I do think you need to talk to your BF about your ambivalence toward pregnancy and kids, as well as your history of depression, sooner rather than later. A year is a relatively long time to date for a guy in his late 30s who wants kids and if you don’t want kids or want to adopt rather than having bio kids, I think that’s a discussion you need to have soon.
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Unfortunately, adoption is not an option where we live. Plus I’m pretty sure biological kids are a big deal to him and his families.
Anon
It sounds like you still have time on your side. Why not take some of the pressure off and pause for a few years before deciding? You aren’t married yet, so why all the hurry? It doesn’t sound like anyone is actively pushing you toward this decision now. A large part of the pressure you may feel is in your head. And maybe you could find some middle ground in your mind — maybe you could decide that you’d be happy and okay either way. Whatever comes, you can cope and figure it out.
Ellen
I agree with anon. You should NOT be in a rush here, and you should be sure that you can count on your boyfreind to marry you before you have kid’s, should you decide to go down that route. If you suffer from depression, be carful b/c you do NOT want to get POST PARTUM depression after you give birth. That is VERY bad for the kid’s. Dad says that woman who backed her car into a creek had that. FOOEY! It is so hard to be a mom–do NOT waste it by doeing that. I think you can be a good mom if you try, but you realy need your boyfriend to make things easier for you. It is NOT enough for him just to father the child. He must also help financially and emotionaly, or you will have a hard time of it. Best of luck to you. Please report back to the HIVE and let us know how you are doeing! YAY!!!!
Anonymous
1. Deep breath.
2. Finish your Phd. Travel. Seize great opportunities. You have lots of time to have kids down the road. You can travel/have adventures for 5 years and still have lots of time for kids. Having kids in mid-thirties (32-37)is pretty standard for my law school classmates. I got married at 27 and wasn’t ready for kids until 34.
3. Depression history is not automatic PPD. I was hospitalized for depression after a serious suicide attempt in my early twenties. Three kids later and no PPD. BUT – you need to safety plan your post-partum period – prebook regular appointments with your current therapist or someone who specializes in PPD. Ensure that friends who are aware of your mental health history connect with you regularly (like literally set up a google calendar for who will call you when). Eat properly. Prioritize your sleep (your house will be a disaster). Go for a walk outside in daylight every single day. The single biggest thing you can do to prevent PPD is not to have child unless you are sure you want a child.
4. Don’t worry about the coffee/alcohol. A cup of coffee everyday is fine and you can survive with no/very limited alcohol for 9 months.
5. Strongly recommend couples counselling for you and your partner. It sounds like you are afraid to talk to him about serious things, that’s not a great sign.
Anonymous
+1
My main concern is all of these serious, life changing decisions/issues are swirling around in your head and you aren’t talking with your partner about any of them.
Are you in therapy now? This seems like a good place to start. I’d start with just you.
He’s a psychiatrist. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………………………….
I like parentheses too
I love your phrase “safety plan”! My son and I are both prone to depression. I’ve been working with him on a plan for this for his life in general, and have recently realized that I need to do the same for me.
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Thank you; this was helpful. Re #5, this is the longest and most serious relationship I’ve been in in my life, so I’m still finding out what I want or need to share. I was never taught to express emotions as a child, and it shows. I also probably need to get back into (individual) therapy to get a handle on my anxiety.
Jeffiner
I always knew I wanted kids. My husband was on the fence about the issue, and we discussed it before marriage and I decided that I still wanted to marry him. After a few years, he decided “he would regret never having children”, so we tried for a baby. He was terrified my entire pregnancy. But he is completely in love with our daughter and with being a father, and has never regretted having kids.
One of the many reasons he wasn’t sure he wanted children is that we both love to travel. We haven’t stopped traveling since the baby was born. Our daughter has more stamps on her passport than candles on her birthday cake. It is DEFINITELY different traveling with a baby than without, but we all still have a wonderful time. Can you picture an activist/scholar/traveler life with children?
Everyone in my circle of friends (including me) waited until their 30s before having children. My parents had children in their 20s, and were always struggling financially.
Walnut
+1 to traveling with kids. Totally doable. We waited until we were pretty financially secure, which has helped us buy the kiddo his own plane ticket and upgrade our accommodations to have separate sleeping spaces. Kids don’t have to end the adventure – the adventure just takes a couple different turns.
I like parentheses too
Oh yeah, very doable. Little ones respond to their very immediate circle much more than to the wider world.
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Thank you for this perspective. It’s nice to know my fantasy of a cool traveling family isn’t completely far-fetched.
I understand how your husband felt; however, I feel like my position is different since, after all, I am the one who would be doing the actual growing a human inside of me thing. I just feel like I want this less than my partner does, but the consequences affect me more than him. It seems unfair, haha.
Me too
To answer your question, Ilove my kids with a fierce passion (as most/all other moms reading this here do) and I’m so immensely happy that they are in my life. BUT I was married for 10 years before having kids. I used that time to get to know my husband, travel internationally, go to law school and kick b*tt, and do lots of socializing. And I love my job as a lawyer and would never quit to stay home with them. I think there’s a balance you can reach here. Kids are certainly all consuming at first, but you can still have a life too that is not entirely kid centric. Hope that helps. Best of luck.
Sam
+1 to this. Married for 7+ years pre kids. I actually did finish my PhD for the first couple of years, then worked, traveled, etc. Continue to work and keep up with my one big hobby despite a short break during the first baby year.
Anonymous
Agree that you should talk to your BF about it ASAP. Also a year is a long time to go without disclosing significant mental health issues and I think you should have that talk, too. Honestly it seem a bit odd that he hasn’t initiated the discussion.
I had one child and don’t regret it, but I am pretty certain I wouldn’t have regretted not having a child, either. My second marriage was childless so I feel like I’ve seen both sides. I feel like nobody gets to have everything and making decisions based on fear of regret (FOMO, anyone?) is maybe not the best way to go about it.
As to how to broach all this, back in the day people used to say “what are your intentions?” These days it’s kind of funny and anachronistic but might be a way to break the ice.
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
I think he hasn’t initiated the discussion because he doesn’t want to put himself in the creepy and inappropriate position of acting as my therapist. Plus, he knows I was in therapy for “anxiety”, just not that it was for a specific anxiety disorder. I’m pretty sure he’s noticed I know a lot more about that specific disorder than most laywomen, so it’s not going to come as a total surprise to him.
Anon
1. Take time to do all the things you want to do.
2. “Pregnancy and childbirth seem terrifying to me, not to mention the idea of being off caffeine and alcohol for months or possibly years, breastfeeding, hormonal changes, weight fluctuation and sleep deprivation.” I had up to two cups of coffee a day while pregnant, and drink 4 cups of coffee a day (along with moderate alcohol consumption) while BF-ing. Also, my baby is almost 10 months and has been sleeping through the night for 4 months now. And BF-ing is optional – you can give your kids formula and they will be fine.
3. I am prone to moderate anxiety and mild depression and had zero issues with post-partum depression or anxiety. Pregnancy and postpartum is actually the best I’ve felt in my adult life. If you do have issues though, there are treatment options available.
I like parentheses too
Your desired life sounds a lot like where my life was headed before I had a babe at age 36. I could pretty much continue on that path for a while, even though his dad had none of the desire for a babe he had claimed (turns out he thought he could “try” for one with me, because the doc was predicting difficulty getting preggo. Then I did and he ran away. Not the same story as your relationship at all, from what I can tell.) and I’ve been a single mother most of my teen’s life. When the child had something bad happen to him at age 8, I was the only one available to deal with it. Getting back in the saddle is proving to be much, much more difficult than I thought.
So, coming from these experiences, my advice is to talk to your partner now. Tell him what you want out of life. In many ways, it sounds like you’d enjoy the role of an “involved” dad in the 60s–knowing your kid and playing with them, maybe doing some childcare, but mostly having the serenity of knowing that their other parent is there for them, so if you have to work extra hours or travel or are not available for other reasons, the kids will be fine. That’s totally legit. Women often get stuck doing the logistical work in a family, and it can suck up energy you’d rather spend elsewhere. Would your partner take that role on himself? (You might want to look at Lean In and her next book after her husband died. It sounds like you’d like your relationship to follow their pattern). Even with both of you working, one of you has to be “lead parent” and willing to take career hits (although bonus with a somewhat older spouse–he has probably gone through a lot of the “prove yourself” stages, so could be in a position to be lead parent without much career cost.)
As for the career track, either have that baby *now* or be prepared to focus like a demon so you get to tenure in time for baby-making years. Mine was born while dissertating. Don’t do that It puts you in a very awkward position when you are trying to dig into your work. Some fields are becoming more open to kids/families at conferences, and provide childcare, family activities, etc. Get to know the expectations in your field, and maybe work to expand them.
You might also want to talk to your parents and sibs about how involved they might be with your kids. My reality there turned out to be a lot different than I imagined. Are they willing to visit when it works for your career and family? Will they have respect for the roles you and hubby have chosen to take on? Any chance they’d take the kid to a museum for a few hours when they’re in town, or supervise your and their kids playing together for a couple hours when you visit? Those things add up,
As for the physical aspects of pregnancy: I love the feeling of being pregnant. I think this is partially because I was in good physical shape beforehand, and continued to work out all the way through (in ways appropriate to the stage of pregnancy/postpartum). You guys might want to look into Bradley method childbirth. Personally, I think the energy and joy of a little one are infectious, so more likely to make you feel young than old. Not everyone agrees there, but I think you are much more likely to hear about pregnancy and nursing from people who have a hard time with them. No one goes around announcing successes in those areas. Nursing for me was a breeze.
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Isn’t that also terrifying, the idea that your partner could turn out to be the opposite of who you thought they were or who they claimed to be? It’s a horrifying thought to me that my loving, thoughtful boyfriend might just turn around and split once there’s a child in the picture! Anyway, I hope your kiddo is alright now and good luck getting back in the saddle.
You’re right that we could work out parenting responsibilities in a way that doesn’t make me the “default parent”. Although I do love to be in control, so there might be a power struggle there. Thanks for the advice!
Anon for this (although the brackets abuse probably gives me away)
Thank you all for your replies! I do need to sit down with him and discuss the future and communicate my fears. And then have a separate conversation about my mental health. Reading everyone’s perspectives here has really helped me prioritize communicating with my boyfriend over shutting down until I figure out exactly how I feel about everything. Also special thanks to those who commented with a numbered list; those really help calm me down.
Related question: does anyone find that having children forced them and their partners into traditional gender roles?
Tinydancer
On the undecided about children issue,I think this is an excellent read: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
Tetra
For Christmas, my mom has requested slippers that aren’t too warm (no shearling) and have a sturdy rubber sole. I’ve had a surprisingly difficult time finding these. Any suggestions?
Ms. Me
Vionic makes slippers with a sturdy/orthopedic sole.
Nelly Yuki
Vionic makes slippers with a sturdy/orthopedic sole.
Batgirl
+1
Cat
LLBean Daybreak Scuffs (they have “critters” on them but otherwise look like they meet your criteria) – picked over online, unfortunately, but they may restock
Lillers
I would recommend any of the memory-foam style slippers. They have them in clog form too which are great to slip on.
Anonymous
Check LL Bean slipper clogs or scuffs.
Anonymous
My mom used to get me Dearfoam slippers, which seem to meet your criteria.
Nessie
Acorn Fleece Slippers are my favorites. They aren’t too warm, and can be worn outside when it’s not super wet.
Lilly
Geisswein wool slippers. I have the Lucie ballet slipper (lucky sizes on sale at Amazon). Mine are three years old and in great shape. The wool is warm but my feet don’t get too hot because it breathes. Garnet Hill has a similar version. If you don’t mind the scuff instead of the full slipper, there are a number of sources, including Nordstrom
CMT
Mahabis
Anon
Favorite French Onion Soup recipe?
Anonymous
There was one on Slate a couple years ago that I use.
Anon in NYC
Check out Ina Garten’s recipe on the food network. I don’t use the veal stock (often can’t find it), so I’ll do half chicken, half beef, and add a packet of beef demi-glace (this kind: https://www.amazon.com/Savory-Choice-Glace-Ounce-Packages/dp/B002CZFW18?th=1), although I think an extra beef bouillon cube would work too.
COtoNY
In case you’re still reading, I always use Smitten Kitchen’s.
Elnora
It’s actually garlic, but I love Crescent Dragonwagon’s agio buido. Also, Julia Child’s french onion is classic.
Anon
Cooks Illustrated French Onion Soup: https://www.cooksillustrated.com/recipes/4026-best-french-onion-soup
It’s a paid s1te, but if you’re not a member there is an option for a trial, and if you are a cook it’s a great resource for some fantastic recipes.
Socksberg
I rarely post but I’ve been reading the comments here for years, and I am hoping you all can provide some advice. I am not a lawyer, but my boyfriend is, and he was recently unexpectedly let go. He works in a niche area and there just aren’t that many jobs available. Is there a career coach or somebody in the industry he should be talking to to learn more about what options he has outside of the law if it comes to that? We live in Philadelphia but are willing to move if needed for a job (I work remotely and can live anywhere). I guess I’m just looking for general guidance from ladies who have been there before. I think my boyfriend is still reeling. Thanks in advance!
gnu
Honestly, my advice is to let him deal with it. Your job is to support his efforts, not to make the efforts yourself. Learn from my experience and don’t marry someone who needs to be taken care of.
Jeffiner
Wanting to help her boyfriend during a hard time in his life doesn’t mean he can’t take care of himself. Everyone falls down sometimes, and its great when your partner can help you back up.
Sorry, I’m not a lawyer and I’m not in Philly, so I can’t help you at all. But good luck!
Socksberg
I posted this out of desire to help (and because if I have access to this community, why not?) rather than him not doing the work himself, but I will take a step back and be supportive, not active. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do but this is not my problem to solve.
gnu
Reading the other comments, I may be (probably am) overreacting. I’m reading my situation into yours. Good luck to both of you!
Brunette Elle Woods
He should definitely look into his options for a related, but different area of law or perhaps consulting. It really depends on his niche practice and if it is something he wants to continue. I was laid off at my old firm and found my new job all through networking. It’s all about who you know. He should get involved in the Philly bar association if not already and reach out to everyone he knows. Also, I doubt anyone is hiring until after the new year so try to supportive and help him relax until then. After the new year he should hit the ground running.
Socksberg
He is in patent law, not sure if that makes a difference. Thank you for the advice!
Anonymous
Lit or prosecution? There are certainly patent lit jobs available, although I don’t know anything about Philly in particular.
Socksberg
Prosecution
RR
What’s his background? There are so many patent jobs available–litigation or prosecution. My firm probably has postings for its PA offices. As far as layoffs and finding a new job go, he’s probably going to have a pretty easy time of it.
Socksberg
He has a degree in Chemistry, I don’t know much else about his background re: law. This is where it would help for me to be a lawyer :)
Anonymous
He works in patent law? There are jobs available.
Anonymous
Seriously. There are plenty (maybe not in PA though?). If he took the NJ bar this shouldn’t be too hard unless his field of science is something weird.
Anonymous
What area of law? I find that lawyers have a tendency to not know how to pivot in their careers because of how lock step and hierarchical law is… I would personally look into legal tech, the tech firms and start ups that provide innovative software to law firms. Maybe a biz dev role, sales, counsel, etc.
Triangle Pose
I’m a lawyer in Philly and have friends in patent, both prosecution and litigation. Patent is actually a pretty expansive field. In-house legal departments are looking for prosecution folks – especially in medical device and pharma industries in Philly area. Pretty sure Ballard just posted looking for a patent lit person. He can talk to a recruiter to help him understand the market. Agree with commenter that you can only support him, not fix it for him. In the end he has to do it himself. There are ton of patent jobs in D.C., USPTO is there so tons of opportunities – he can waive in to D.C. without taking the bar exam and you can work remotely, so that’s a pretty good option.
Socksberg
Thank you! We are considering a move to DC if necessary but want to exhaust our options in Philly first.
Maizie
Try an initial meeting with Beth Ann Wilson, career counselor with The Decency Group(www dot thedecencygroup dot com). Contact her at bwilson [at] thedecencygroup dot com. Compassionate and creative.
Maizie
Forgot to add this: Located in metro Philadelphia area!
Socksberg
Thank you! I will pass this info along.
Door
My office is having a holiday door decorating contest. Yes, I eyerolled too. But now I want to do it! Any suggestions?
Emmer
I don’t have specific design suggestions, but when I went to my local hardware store last weekend I was blown away by the variety of holiday decorations they had – everything from wreaths/trees to lights to adhesives. Start there for inspiration!
Anonymous
It may be too traditional to win anything, but I’ve always liked the fully wallpapered doors. If you Christian/celebrate Christmas, I would make a tree out of tinsel, string up lights, hang ornaments, and use different wrapping paper to make presents. If you are Jewish, you could do this but instead of a Christmas tree, you could make a menorah and add a new flame for each night of Hanukkah.
Anon
Pinterest “Office Door Decorations” and you’ll find a million ideas. I like the frosty one, because it’s easy but cute.
NYNY
Go to the dollar store. Seriously, even if your colleagues are going expensive, you would be surprised how nice some dollar store holiday decorations are.
anon
I haven’t even managed to decorate my house yet, I think I would cry if I was expected to decorate my office too.
shopping
A red background, so that it can transition into a Valentine’s Day door–just add hearts and lace doilies.
Chocolate door
Warning: this idea is incredibly time consuming.
In college, my roommate and I won the dorm door decorating contest by taping hundreds of Hershey’s kisses on our door in a meaningful pattern (using the different colors of kiss wrapping to our advantage). We recreated our university logo in red and green, and spelled out “care for a kiss?”, and created a giant striped candy cane that went up the side of the door and hooked over the top. All of this out of red, green, and silver kisses.
KS IT Chick
Several years ago, I designed the door that won our department the organization-wide contest. I wrapped the door in plain green wrapping paper, then strung red tinsel around it like it was circling a tree. Then, each member of the department signed their name on a dollar store ball adhesive ornament that we distributed across the door. It cost about $10, and it looked really good.
Laura B
Sometime in the last couple months there was a thread where there was a tip about booking rental cars affordable/easily – anyone remember what it was? I need to ren a car for three weeks in January so trying to get the best deal.
AIMS
The cheapest thing that worked for me – great if you have a few days to play around – is to name your own low price on priceline and then wait to be emailed back with a “bid now” hint. I’ve done this before for a long trip where I’d be picking up the car in one place and dropping in another and ended up getting a great deal ($21/day or thereabout). I think I ended up “bidding” and losing a few times before having my bid accepted.
Other things to do -check all your AAA and corporate discounts, google promo codes etc. Some corporate discounts through bar association, alumni groups, etc., don’t do much and some are fantastic. I always play around with the ones we have. Also – always bid on the cheapest car. It’s cheaper to upgrade there than it is to pay for something upfront.
BabyAssociate
If you have an airline credit card it usually includes travel perks like discount rental cars. I book through Amex and usually pay $15-25/day, depending on the location.
ALX emily
I always use Costco travel and have never seen a cheaper price when I’ve compared (I don’t compare every time anymore because I’m convinced it’s a good-enough deal to just use Costco).
NYNY
The webs1te name is awful, but rental car momma dot com has discount codes for all the major rental agencies. Select an offer and click through. I use them every time I rent.
commenter
I always use autoslash when I need to rent a car. You book the car through Kayak or wherever, then submit the details of the rental to them and they track whether they can find a cheaper price. At which point they e-mail you and you can rebook through them. I’ve always had a good experience with them and found some really good deals.
shopping
Make sure you compare prices. I thought for sure that my car insurance company’s deal would be best, but it was beaten by the travel website where I booked my flight, by a lot.
Work Notebook Recommendations?
Does anyone have a recommendation for a brand of paper notebook they love? I currently have one I got as a freebie that I’m obsessed with. It’s the perfect size (5×8.5 I think), has a soft vinyl cover that almost feels like leather, and is hardcover so it doesn’t get squished in my bag. I looked into purchasing it, but it’s only available in bulk!
If anyone has recommendations that fit my wish list below is love to hear them. This is one time my Amazon shopping skills have failed me!! I’m surprised how difficult I’ve found this to be.
Wish List:
– is large ish (smaller than 8.5×11, bigger than a small moleskin)
– has a hardcover
– has lined paper
– is under $20
– Bonus points for being a color other than black
Thanks in advance for your help!
Signed,
Unabashed office supply nerd
Beans
Pricing may be higher and not sure about size, but I have two notebooks made by Appointed and love them. http://www.appntd.com/
cactus killer
I’ve been using this: https://www.amazon.com/Fabriano-EcoQua-Notebook-Grid-Graph-Notebook-Navy/dp/B008VSMJD4/. The pages have a grid pattern (not regular lines) but perhaps that will work for you.
Sydney Bristow
This is my favorite: http://a.co/akKo1Bb
It comes in black and brown. I’m not positive what you mean by hard cover in this context, but this definitely didn’t get messed up in my bag at all.
Meg March
I like Leuchtturm1917 — this one looks like it would work for you, but they have lots of options for paper– lines, grid, dotted, blank, etc.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008UUBIOE
CMT
I’m not sure what exactly you mean by a soft cover that is also a hard cover, but I’d suggest Gallery Leather http://www.galleryleather.com/leather-journals
Anonymous
My partner is a lawyer from a top tier school who has been a policy wonk for a small nonprofit, and is not trying to break into compliance/policy/governance at a bank. Any advice or anecdotes? TY!
LA Photographer?
Many thanks for those who commented yesterday. If it is going to cost 750-1500 to get a photographer simple photos of my fiance and I taken in our wedding attire, a professional photographer is just not for us. So the photographer who provided this range was accurate-thanks much! (I did receive one quote lower than that, but only slightly lower.) I am a bit disappointed, but also relieved that I can stop my futile search.
Anonymous
Have you tried calling a photographer you liked and asking how much for a 2 hour photo shoot?
LA Photographer?
Yeah, that is what I was asking for when I called every photographer.
Anonymous
You might contact local art or photography schools and ask if they have any students looking for work. They won’t be as experienced as working professionals but they may be quite talented and they’d probably charge much less.
Anonymous
Yep. I’m slowly building a photography business on the side of my 9-5 and would do a shoot like this for $200 or so. Not in LA, unfortunately. Try posting on C-list, a local moms board, etc.
AIMS
Are there art schools in your area? There may be students who would be willing to take your photo for less/free in exchange for being able to use the work in their portfolio. If that’s something you would consider.
LA Photographer?
It is a good suggestion. If we really can’t get good photos of ourselves without hiring a professional or quasi-professional, this is my next step. But I feel like we really should be able to do this on our own. We have really excellent photos of us that we took with our own camera on vacation, etc.
Anonymous
You do you, but I think you’re way better off going with a student. For one thing, don’t you want photos of both of you? Even if you’re both crazy talented and you can take great shots of him and vice versa, you’re still going to need a third person to take shots of both of you. A tripod will not work for this situation. You’re not a landscape.
LA Photographer?
I think I am looking for something different, or I simply just don’t have as high of standards for photos. I thought our tripod with our camera worked excellent for our vacation photos and some other casual photos we took while out and about. We have had several of those printed and framed to put up in our home, and they are honestly good enough for me. I get that isn’t what everyone is looking for.
y'all are wrong, wrong, wrong
Or see if anyone you know has a high school student who’s into photography (I can think of 3 kids of people here in my biglaw office). I am sure you can find a person who will do a good job on a clear day with good lighting and good time of day (these are the basics that you can help them think through) and a good natural-light setting.
Walnut
For what it’s worth, the “good” lifestyle photographers who do family photos in my LCOL midwest town, run about $500/hour. I’m not entirely surprised by your quote.
LA Photographer?
I didn’t really make the connection that family photos would also cost this much. I thought we’d get some done to commemorate adopting two kids from my fiance’s family (we are currently their legal guardians). Maybe we will, but at that cost, maybe we can also do these on our own as well.
Anonymous
As a counterpoint, I also live in a LCOL Midwest town and there are good lifestyle photographers around here who charge about $100 an hour for portrait sessions that include a selection of high-resolution digital images.
Scarlett
So this is a little random, but I was recently in LA & my uber driver was breaking into wedding photography & I started following him on instagram (I’m chatty). His website is crystalclarityproductions dot com – I got the sense he’s looking to build a portfolio in weddings & is a fashion photographer the rest of the time (that he’s not driving uber) – maybe he’s more affordable?
shopping
I’m in a FB group for local photographers and models. There are frequent posts by photogs offering deals. You might want to look for a similar group, and just make a post about what you want (so they contact you)
Interviewing in the UK
Hey ladies – I have an interview in the UK next week outside of London and was wondering what the appropriate attire is for winter in the UK. Is there a skirt suit/pant suit preference? If you wear a skirt suit, are black opaque tights appropriate for warmth? And here in the US I’d wear heels, but I’m worried about cobblestones or other treacherous streets – are wedges a better idea? Any suggestions you have would be welcome since I’d rather worry about the interview than what to wear!
Anonymous
Carry your heels in your bag and change.
Anonymous
I vote nude tights to play it completely safe if you are wearing a skirt. And heels in your bag, but wedges should be okay too. In the States, I’ve interviewed in both skirt and pantsuits and felt both were okay, even for conservative employers.
Woods-comma-Elle
No idea what kind of job it’s for but either skirt or pantsuit would be fine for pretty much anything! Black tights are fine too, it’s winter, everyone here is wearing them, but if you are worried about it then nude it is. And yes – heels in your bag, flats to walk there and change before you go in! Good luck!
Thistle
Black tights are the norm here in winter. Nude would be much more unusual.
SD
I don’t know why my comments keep disappearing into moderation… but anyway, could Corporette do an updated “The Next Step” series of posts? They have been really helpful references for me and I want more, with new discussion! Pretty please?
Anonymous
It goes into moderation because you type out the name Corpore*t*t*e. For some reason that triggers the mod bot.
So down
What do I do?? Mid 30s, no partner, no kids, very few friends; moved to a new city for a job this yr that turned out to be ugh. Usually I push thru but I’m so down lately. I know the long term solution is to find some friends or a life but that isn’t happening 12 days before Christmas.
I have exactly 2 friends in town – one who I love, one who I like. Reached out to the first one at the beginning of Dec asking to get drinks sometime this month. Of course no reply, which happens with her; I get that she’s a busy exec with a big deal job and 2 kids under age 5. She’s likely not blowing me off but too busy – bc the few times a yr we do get together, we end up laughing for hrs or we plan to get together for an hr and next time we look at the time, 2.5 hrs is gone by. I’m just sad though and wish she’d find the time bc it’s not as if I reach out every week to hang out (I don’t ask more than every 3-6 months). And the friend I like – she’s single but her life now revolves around her dog so I don’t even know what to say there. She’s an extreme planner so if you ask to get together, she’ll send you a calendar invite for Feb; if you suggest a casual quick meal/drink soon, it’s always about needing to be home with the dog. I’m trying not to think too much yet I don’t know how I’ll get by long term feeling this lonely.
Socksberg
For your dog-focused friend, can you suggest hanging out at her place? Or doing a dog-focused activity (going for a hike, etc)? That may be the only way to see her on short notice.
Anonymous
I’m sorry this is so hard and you are right. It is going to suck and there is no short term fix. Do you have a far away friend or family to visit?
anomanom
Do you cook by chance? Or want to learn? I’ve found that for my busy friends, sometimes just inviting them over for dinner (and the dog too if possible) is the best way to get some friend time in. Some of my best nights with my friends started as “I’m super craving homemade lasagna, if you come over Thursday I will feed you.”
Also, skype/facetime happy hour was a savior when I first moved to a new city. I would set up a time with my out of town friends and we would call each other and literally just hang out and catch up with video. They got to see my new place that way, I wasn’t drinking wine “alone”.
Anon
I can relate! All my friends are 1-2 hours away and/or have a husband and kids. Would love to make more friends in my area, but it’s so tough!
HSAL
This is where I suggest listing your location! I bet there are people here in your area who are in a similar boat.
Anon for this one
Yes, commented in the wrong place but I bet you have new friends waiting to be found.
BabyAssociate
I had to laugh at the friend with a dog part, one of my closest friends just turned into this person and I just do not get it.
Some of the best new friends I’ve made since school have actually been through networking events. Get involved with your local professional organization!
Anonymous
Well, you picked the busiest time of year to reach out, and the most common time of year for depression to spike, and sounds like you are suffering from both! Bad combination.
Get yourself a happy light from Costco. Increase your exercise.
CALL your busy friend. Ask if you can come over with pizza and a bottle of wine one night, and stay in with friends and the kids. Drink the wine once kids are in bed.
CALL your less busy friend, and walk her dog with her/go to the park. Get outside. It is good for you.
And choose one new activity to do. On your own. Where you might meet other nice people. Look at the MeetUp groups in your area. Check out what is going on at your local library. Go to a concert. Check out a new restaurant. Join a volunteer group. Sing in a Sing along Handel’s Messiah. Sign up for cooking lessons.
Try to not let your rough time rub off poorly on your friends, who sound fine to me. It is not really fair for you to expect busy friend to jump to attention, when you haven’t bothered to check on her until now, is it? To have friends, you need to be a friend.
Now GO!
shopping
No pets here, so no help re the dog, but meeting up for a hike or at a dog park (mentioned earlier) sounds good to me.
There are so many neat Christmas activities with/for little ones, and it can be hard to do them when you’re working, not to mention the difficulty of wrangling little ones on your own. When mine was little, I was more interested in him than in anyone else, so I generally turned down offers/requests to do things without him, and felt very odd about people who only paid attention to me and ignored him. Idk if others feel the same. Here are some suggestions for you and exec mom:
You bring cookie dough, a rolling pin if she doesn’t have one, cookie cutters, icing and pareils. The kids get to cut out and decorate.
You accompany her and the kids to a santa event at a neat location like a children’s museum.
Ditto to a concert or show for little ones. Scope out a couple hot chocolate locations nearby and ask her beforehand if that is a possibility before or after.
Present-wrapping session at your house or hers (after kids are asleep). Once again, offer to bring the supplies.
Holiday specials/movie get-together. Pick a favorite so you aren’t bored, and plan to talk after kids are in bed.
What are you and she doing for you Christmas dinners? You could get together a few days ahead to prepare the twice-baked potatoes, desserts (make any pies as mini-tarts–easier to split up) or fancy treatments of meat for the main course for your respective tables.
And I agree with the above comments on finding new activities for yourself. My yoga studio often does an extra-long session of yoga, meditation, relaxation, and learning the evening or day after big holidays. Maybe you’d like to find one that does similar. Lots of towns have sports leagues for adults, where you can meet new people. I’ve just promised myself that I’ll join a Masters swim team and start playing recorder again, so I’m right there with you.
Boxing Day in America?
Is there an equivalent of Boxing Day sales in America? Last time I was there a few years back we were saddened that there was no big discount of merchandise between Christmas and New Years.
EM
No.
anon anon armani
NOt officially. But there are usually good sales which start on 12/26.
Anonymous
It’s not a formal thing like Black Friday, but I do think merchandise gets further discounted after Christmas. When I was growing up in the Midwestern US, my mom always took us shopping the week after Christmas to take advantage of “Boxing Day sales” (her parents were British though, so perhaps it’s a carry-over from her own childhood). But prices do seem to drop after Christmas.
shopping
yes. This. Quiet close-outs and selling off returned march
Anon for this one
Can I ask what city? Coping with some similar feelings of loneliness and hey! Maybe we’re in the same place!
Anonymous
Law firm I nterview etiquette question- I have an interview on Thursday in Chicago. The interview is a couple blocks from my office and is first thing in the morning. The issue is it’s going to be a high of five degrees.
Should I wear my ugg boots and change into normal shoes when I get there? Where would I store my uggs during the interview? Is it okay to wear my giant parka? Should I dress normal and just take uber to and from?
Thanks!
Anonymous
Dress normally and take Uber.
nutella
Agreed. Wear a coat but not the boots and take an uber. Sometimes when you leave an interview they walk you to the door and it will be easier to shake hands and have a smoother transition if you just have a coat and gloves rather than someone (especially if it is a man and this is a formal setting) watching you juggle your boots and heels and all the layers.
Meg March
I think your jacket is fine, but I would not wear the Uggs.
Anon
You can leave your boots & coat at reception.
Anonymous
Dress normal and uber, and get a pair of non-ugg boots!
Anonymous
Has anyone purchased glasses online? How was it? What site did you use? I had an eye exam today and would like to try online rather than spend $300-500 on a pair in store.
Anonymous
I love Warby Parker.
Socksberg
I’ve done both Warby Parker and Zenni Optical. Zenni is cheaper and I liked the pair I got there better than the one I got from Warby, but both were nice and loads cheaper than in-store. Warby lets you order non-rx frames to try on and return for some of their styles, which is nice.
Godzilla
I find that Warby is just not built for my face (I have a difficult snout, apparently). Their frames are based on “average” fit models like most companies but since most of the frames are plastic, there’s very little adjusting. So if you’re not of Germanic descent, which I admittedly am not, Warby may not feel comfortable.
Alana
I don’t know the specifics of Germanic descent, but Warby Parker recently came out with frames for lower nose bridges.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve ordered from Zenni twice and was happy with it both times.
lsw
I did Warby Parker and hated it. The frames I got were huge and (like the stems were too wide) and did not fit AT ALL like the ones I had gotten in the mail. I also have a really strong prescription and missed all the bells and whistles I can get in a regular pair. I think online glasses are not for me – I like being able to try them on and get them adjusted and all that stuff.
Anonymous
I’ve ordered from Zenni my husband and my teenage daughter and they were happy with them.
CMT
I’ve ordered the try-at-home pairs from Warby Parker 3 or 4 times now and none of their glasses ever work on my face. I ordered a pair of sunglasses from Zenni a long time ago and they were so cheap that I’ve never gone back.