ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 258 Comments

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Boucle Bomber Sweater Jacket

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing a white top, light blue jeans, and a navy cardigan

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This knit bomber from Banana Republic Factory might be my new favorite version of the sweater jacket. I like the chunkier boucle knit combined with the sleek bomber silhouette.

I’ll be getting one of these to keep on the back of my office chair this winter.

The sweater is $72 at Banana Republic Factory — with 25% at checkout — and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. It's available in navy and “snow day.”

Sales of note for 4/10:

258 Comments

  1. I ordered two dresses with the idea that I’d wear them to work (law office, dress is casual but I prefer more business casual circa 2019). They are SO LONG. Like to the low calf / high ankle. I’m 5-4, so average height. To me, very long is more fancy/formal, like for a wedding, or more casual / fun. It’s not office. And these aren’t ruffle-puffs, which I already have enough of. Hem? Send back? Or is this just what we are doing in 2025?

      1. PS – look at how it’s styled from wherever you bought it, you might need to hem for your height.

    2. At 5’4” you are right on the edge for petite sizes. I would try ordering skirts in petite. I’m 5’4” and for whatever reason I usually have to size up when ordering petite (L instead of M, size 10 instead of 8, etc) but the length works much better on me.

    3. Your height may be average when considering the population, but I think most clothing lines are cut for someone at least 2-3 inches taller. So if the proportions of the dress feel off to you at that length, then I’d hem — make the trends suit your shape/frame.

    4. We’re the same height. I loved this look in the warmer months with ballet flats or a low heel. Now, I pair boots with longer dresses/skirts at least once a week. Throw a blazer or a cardigan on to finish it off. You may have to watch how you walk up stairs with a longer skirt or pay attention when you move around in a wheeled office chair. As Anon @ 8:44 mentioned, it’s much easier to sit in a longer dress/skirt, especially in meetings in larger conference rooms where you don’t have to worry about flashing the folks on the opposite end of the room. You can hem the dresses, but you certainly don’t need to.

      1. True. With taller boots, you can wear warm tights or even fleece leggings underneath and no one will know.

    5. The dresses are probably designed for someone a few inches taller. They should hit mid-calf, ideally at the point below the calf muscle so the slim lower calf is what shows. Either order a petite size (if that doesn’t throw off your torso measurements – which it will, if you’re long-waisted and short-legged) or hem to the right length for you. Wear with slim-fit knee-high boots.

  2. I really like this sweater! I’ve recently realized I need a nicer warm layer for Teams calls at home instead of my usual ancient sweatshirt.

  3. Do your parents know your net worth? I told my dad a while ago and now have to fight the urge keep him updated like I do my husband.

    1. He11 no. We don’t know theirs either, even though my husband is his parents’ successor trustee.

      Net worth is not that meaningful anyway. On paper our net worth is right on target, but all our wealth is tied up in retirement accounts that will be worthless when the oligarchs finish destroying the economy. Meanwhile we are cash-poor from funneling all our income into those accounts, our lifestyle is the same as it was when I was in grad school 20 years ago, and our house is falling apart.

        1. No, she’s right. The crypto bros and oligarchs are aiming to devalue the USD. They want us all poor and dependent on them. (Yes, I realize how crazy it sounds.)

          1. And the stock market is crazy overheated right now, so all of us savers are buying stocks at inflated values that will eventually tank when the market corrects itself.

          3. People also said Project 2025 was a conspiracy and here we are. I’m pretty successful and have had a good track record on the markets, so I trust my own judgement. Who knows.

          4. Yeah Project 2025 was all in writing, and people were treated as conspiracy minded for believing that people intended to do the stuff they said they intended to do, and would be in a position to do so.

            Now when people act like it’s a conspiracy to know something they haven’t bothered to learn about, I stop valuing their opinions.

      2. You’re kind of joking, but if you really think there’s danger of the economy falling apart and losing value in retirement accounts… contribute less to them and instead repair and maintain your appreciating asset (your home) which you can enjoy now and when you’re retired.

        1. Yeah you can stop contributing to retirement accounts, or at least reduce the % if you think it won’t be useful and it’s impacting your ability to save at all.

        3. My conspiracy theory is that homes aren’t actually going to be able to continue to appreciate in value – we’re running out of people that can afford houses at current prices. Current median/average income to housing prices is completely unsustainable and I imagine will have to course correct at some point.

          1. I see the logic in this, but on the other hand increasing income inequality will allow the wealthy, including investors who plan to rent out the homes at extortionate rates, to continue to bid up home prices even while regular people cannot afford to purchase. Whether or not home prices continue to rise, having a well-maintained paid-off home provides a lot of security.

          2. I read some article about an appraisals bubble that is going to have to pop eventually (aside from everything else).

          3. No, I agree with the other poster that there are still a lot of wealthy people around the world (and they are allowed to buy real estate in the US, unfortunately), and they can buy up the desirable real estate. And if we are lucky/unlucky, they will rent it back to us.

            My desirable city has a bidding war for houses. And now investors are buying up condo buildings, and then turning them back to rentals at increasingly higher rents. We are losing at all sides.

    2. I am tempted to. My dad knows high level things because we talk about it. Sometimes people post here about financial milestones – I want to brag about things like those too. But I don’t want to invite my parents to get too involved in my finances.

    3. Kind of? They know our salaries, how much we paid for our house, and our pensions (that aren’t free, we pay many hundreds a month!)

    4. Only vaguely. They kept asking if we were okay financially when one of us was out of work for a while a few years ago, so I told them that we were literal millionaires to get them to stop worrying (that wouldn’t be obvious from our jobs/salaries or our lifestyle, we just save a lot).

      1. Same boat. I appreciate that they were concerned but it was also vaguely insulting. We also just bought a house that I think no one expected we would be able to afford based on our general appearance and lifestyle, so that also kind of outed how much money we have.

      2. Yeah, I should add that we’ve never told them our salaries, but we’ve both always worked for some form of government institution, so it’s public record and anyone who wants to can look up our salaries (or they just know they can’t be too high).

    5. They don’t know mine, I don’t know theirs, we don’t talk about salary numbers either. We are lucky to be able to each live below our means, and I know my parents’ house is paid off.

    6. My dad definitely not. My mom probably has a vague idea because I’ve told her about certain financial milestones I’ve hit (when my salary hit 6 figures, when my retirement accounts hit 6 figures, etc.), but I don’t think I’ve ever told her an exact number.

    7. My parents know rough details, my dad worked in finance so saving money and investing has always been a topic of conversation. As for my in laws, we don’t talk about details but we paid for a trip for all of us last summer so I think they got the memo that we are doing okay. Ha.

    8. I’m the parent but I have a rough idea for both my kids and their spouses. We talk about money pretty freely so while I don’t know their exact salaries I have a decent idea and they have told me of hitting savings and retirement account goals. I have a rough idea of how much they paid for their houses since they both told me. My daughter owns rental property and I don’t know much about that because I’m really not interested. They also have a rough idea of our assets and how much our house is worth.

    9. Sort of. My dad kept making comments implying we were spending irresponsibly and overly relying on the money we’ll likely inherit from them so I told him the ballpark amount we have saved in retirement funds ($1.5M) to shut him up.

    10. Yes. And I know theirs. I am an only child and have always had a close relationship with them. I often ask their opinion about investments, etc. Feels normal to me, though I recognize it would not be to everyone.

      My inlaws don’t know. My husband is not nearly as close with his parents, and we are also significantly wealthier than they are.

      1. I am in the same boat. We do not often discuss the details of my finances, but my parents know my financial situation in general terms. I have a better idea of their net worth and investment income (they are retired) because I am their sole heir and my dad likes to keep me in the loop, particularly as we discuss helping my (adult) daughter put together a substantial down payment on a house in a few years in our VHCOL area.

        But we are all both very close and financially responsible enough that there is no concern about that information being weaponized or anyone taking advantage. My dad is very frugal but also strongly of the opinion that he was the beneficiary of completely unearned family money (his parents had a house in what was a solidly upper middle-class area when he was growing up but became a place millionaires lived before they died) and that he is the trustee of that money for my daughter and me.

    11. No. My parents are very middle-class-recently-coming-from-working class (i.e. actual middle class not the fake top 5% kind), and we have higher incomes. They know that, it’s obvious from our job titles, but I feel like it would be showing off/maybe almost intimidating to them say exactly? Obviously this is personality types too, but there it is. Also all our finances are joint and I wouldn’t want to share what is also my husband’s personal information with anyone else (even though he’s also close to them, it’s still not the same).

    12. Roughly. On the other hand, I have no idea what their’s is, which is honestly slightly stressful because I don’t know if they’ll need support at any point. Like, I think they’re fine, but I don’t really know.

    13. Starting at about age 12, my job in the family was to balance the checkbook. My parents were transparent about their salaries and savings. I think that was enormously beneficial to my financial education. I’ve always known their salaries, and they’ve known mine. They don’t ask in a nosy way, it’s a general topic of conversation with each job change and navigating changed retirement plans, etc. They know my siblings’ incomes, too. My in-laws have had swinging financial situations and can get prickly about money, so we share only in vague terms about how we’re doing – like that we’re not in credit card debt or that we can pick up a bill for a meal.

    15. Def no! I did share excitement when my 401k crossed into 7 figures (which of course is on paper only) but that’s the only actual number they know.

    16. Before DH yes, they knew my salary and net worth. After getting engaged I stopped updating them. I never shared DH’s salary or how much money he brought into the marriage. Frankly I don’t want his parents knowing my salary either.

      DH and I know all the details of my parents’ finances due to estate planning. They’ve always been open about their income and financial decision making process. ILs are private about money so no clue there.

    17. Nope. Blended family with past (and more looming) inheritance drama and I see no need for them to be informed. We don’t own a home either.

    18. What LOL no. But I’m in my 40s. Also my net worth is easily 5x my mother’s, but I don’t know hers, either.

    19. More or less. My in-laws…sort of know but don’t understand it. They will tell us that it’s “bad to rent” and suggest we buy the $5 million office building in our town center, but then fret about how we might lose our house if one of us ever experiences a job loss.

    20. No, but I’ve recently given both of my adult kids a rough estimate of what’s in our retirement accounts as an incentive to get them both to invest early. I have no reason to share that with my parents. In our state, though, home prices are public information, so I am positive that they know we bought a house in the low-seven figures.

    21. No, but they’ve gotten a small picture of our situation (how much our house was, how much Spouse rec’d in an inheritance). If anything they probably think we’re a bit better off than we actually are.

    22. I told my parents. They changed their will to leave me nothing in favor of my poorer sister since I wouldn’t need it and she would. So there’s that…

  4. I’m in my early 30s and starting to question my sexuality. I’m not really sure what to do?

    1. Probably go make out with a woman, assuming that’s the direction you’re questioning in.

    2. Go to a bar and be gay, then be super sad society forced cis het normativity down your throat and stole so many years from you.

    3. Either counseling to work through your feelings, or go out on a few dates with women (provided you are very upfront about where you are).

      1. I know that it’s considered rude to date women without being upfront about being questioning, but how are people supposed to figure out their orientation without experimenting?

        2. They can dive into the pool, but being upfront protects the OP at least as much as it protects anyone she is experimenting with. Women can latch on very quickly and start making plans/ forming expectations, and sometimes it can be hard to hurt someone’s feelings if they feel like a friend. So OP needs to have made it clear she is questioning so she can extricate herself to get some space as needed.

    4. Kiss a girl. Go to a gay bar. Join a lesbian softball club. Just change your preferences on Hinge to whatever it is you want to explore. Read something spicy and see if it turns you on.

    5. Keep questioning and reflecting. Journal. Engage with queer media; see what resonates with you and what doesn’t. Find out if your community has a gay bar or queer community meetups (or roller derby or a women’s rugby league); show up for something with a trusted friend. If you want to, go kiss a girl and see if you like it. Or if you don’t want to, that’s okay too–feeling a certain way, questioning your identity, or ultimately deciding you identify a certain way, doesn’t obligate you to act on it now, or ever.

      And don’t feel pressure to have it all figured out right now, definitively, forever. I love the reclamation of the word “queer” because it feels so much truer to my own experience than labels like bisexual–queer leaves me the space to breathe, and evolve, and not box myself in. Of course, if–now or later–you realize you identify as a lesbian or as bi or straight or whatever else this journey may take you to, that’s wonderful too. I just want you to know that it’s okay to not have the answers right this second. Sending you all the love and support in the world.

      Signed,

      happily monogamous-married to a man but still queer

      1. I definitely like the word queer better. Why does it have to be so specific otherwise, leave some breathing room

      2. Don’t you find it stifling being married to a man and performing the whole straight life? I love my partner but god it’s exhausting keeping up pretences for the general population.

        1. Well, I don’t consider to myself to be performing straightness just because Bill from over in Accounting perceives me to be straight. If I thought my life was stifling, I would make different choices.

        2. I don’t really do this, my friends know I’m queer, sometimes I talk about it in a casual way, frankly its also no one’s business and not that interesting who I find hot (especially now that I’m not single). I’m not performing anything, identity does not have to look any sort of way.

        3. Right around when I got married (to a man) I had Big Feelings about making sure people knew I was bi — I got an undercut, volunteered with my company’s LGBT group, and talked about it with lots of friends. Since then, I’ve not really cared about it. I don’t feel like I’m performing straightness, though being a white suburban mom has a layer of straight-expectation that I try to shake off in subtle ways. Now that I’m done having kids I’m debating getting some tattoos and/or piercings.

    6. There is a SATC episode where Charlotte meets some new friends. It’s back from when the show was good and funny (IMO) and my friends on the other team and I have had a chuckle about it. It’s something low key while you are maybe updating a dating profile.

      1. I was just thinking about that episode! I think it was Carrie that was dating a young guy who revealed he was bi. Charlotte was the one with the Charlotte line “Gay… straight… pick a side!” Different times.

    7. As a lesbian – i can tell you this is low stakes and fun!

      Make out with some women, change your preferences on dating apps. Flirt with your barista.

      Everyone realizes their orientation at some point and there is a zero issues with when.

      Realizing this later in life is super common!!

      Have fun and I wish you all the best.

        1. Unless your barista flirts with you first.

          Signed,

          former barista who banged a regular or two or maybe even three, who’s counting, in her time

          1. When I worked in customer service one of our suppliers sent the same pal for every pick up/drop off. We flirted every time. About a year in my boss caught on and his brain almost exploded.

          2. If it was mutual and both you and supplier pa were adults, I don’t get why your boss should care if you flirted every day.

          3. My boss’s brain exploded because the supplier’s staff was certainly the first NB person he had ever met and my boss definitely assumed I was straight.

        2. Honestly, I think the world could use some more flirting.

          Flirting =/ harassing or being overly forward or making people uncomfortable.

          Flirting = fun little interactions with people to show people that you like them, that you only continue as they are reciprocated.

          Harassment of people (specifically women) in jobs that they can’t leave sucks and yes we should stop that. But that’s harassment, not flirting. But I feel like we’ve lost the plot of life and joy and fun when we remove all the nuance and say no flirting ever with casual acquaintances, when what we actually want to avoid is harassment and weirdness. I know that there are creepy guys out there who when we tell them to stop harrassing people, they’ll be like “I was just flirting” – the solution isn’t to stop everyone from flirting, the solution is to be like “no you were being a creep and harassing someone who has showed no interest in you so knock it off.”

          1. FWIW, I totally agree with you. Society seems to be devolving back to the days where a lady did not speak to a gentleman unless they had been properly introduced by mutual friends.

            It can be nice to chitchat with our fellow humans, even if it’s just to pass the time.

    8. really low stakes: get some FF romance books and see if you like them. I’ve heard good things about Sarah Waters but haven’t read her.

      1. You can start here, but liking something in fantasy does not translate to liking something in reality.

    9. I used an app called Feeld as I also started questioning my sexuality in my early 30s!

    10. I’m pretty straight, but the women I’ve kissed have been SO much better at it than the men! A good place to try things out is a gay bar/dance club, because it likely won’t be 100% gay. One time I ended up making out with a girl AND her boyfriend. It’s good to experiment. It just made me realise I still preferred men.

  5. Is anyone else having AI layered into email and basic office products like Word at work? Are you actually using them? In BigLaw and I think our clients expect us to bill for our own work and simultaneously never bill them for things that can be off-loaded to the Machines but only if we know absolutely how their data will be safeguarded.

    1. My office has co-pilot built into everything now. I used it for draft 1 of some panel questions recently and it was about as good as I’d get from a junior. There was a lot of missing technical details and nuance that I had to fix but the juniors always get that stuff wrong anyways.

    2. Shouldn’t your firm have a policy about AI’s access to privileged data? We don’t use AI add-ins at all for this reason.

      1. There is. It looks like it would be at least an hour of reading time (and then all clients have outside counsel guidelines and also billing codes and guidelines). I’d like to just unsubscribe and do legal work.

        1. Upload the whole thing into a notebookLLM and just ask it :)

          Blergh though. Here is my techie take on what you actually need to skim for:
          a) Does your company pay for any products they’ll let you use protected data in?

          b) honestly even if they forgot to write it into the policy, don’t use free, consumer grade software for protected data at all.

        2. You’re either deliberately being obtuse about the billing point to try to avoid adapting to change, or you’re genuinely missing the point. AI is a tool to do your legal work. If you work on a brief using CoPilot, bill for the time you spend doing the brief. Presumably, it’s less time than you otherwise would spend because of efficiencies gained with the tool. If it’s the same amount of time, I would hope that the AI tool freed you up to focus on the legal arguments. If your firm is trying to recapture the “time saved” with special AI billing codes, please share their name so I can make sure my company isn’t engaging them.

          As for understanding your firm’s policy on how to use the tools, that’s essential. Not taking the time to read and understand the policy is malpractice. At least you have firm infrastructure developing policy for you. Those of us who are in house are doing this on behalf of our own companies and legal departments.

        3. Um, isn’t this your job as a lawyer? To know the standards to which you must adhere?

    3. We have company policies on use of AI and contractual agreements with clients. Your company is behind if they don’t have policies on this.

    4. If you’re in a *law firm* and your IT dept+internal legal hasn’t given you training on what you can use which AI products for, yikes

      If I were the client-paying, I don’t care on principle if my lawyer is using AI in emails as something like an enhanced spellcheck, assuming the security side of things is taken care of. I do care if you’re using it to fluff up emails without adding more information, or if you’re not checking for accuracy.

    5. Yes, we have copilot (configured to not share data further or extract more than your own permissions allow you to do yourself). We are heavily encouraged to find ways to use it to increase efficiency. However, my role is risk mitigation. I don’t need it to take meeting notes and mess up key points, summarize an email that I can read faster and more accurately than the summary is created, or to badly conduct a google search for me. I have redline software that is more reliable. I don’t need useless presentations made out of random email attachments. Drafting emails is pointless when I have to tell it what I want it to draft, and then spend more time fixing the copy than if I just wrote the message myself in the first place. Once in a great while I find a task where it is useful, but then it won’t repeat the process reliably going forward. I struggle to come up with what on earth I am supposed to do with it.

      1. This is my problem with AI. We are trying to use it for open-ended tasks that require human cognitive processing. This is not what it’s useful for, and it is exceedingly bad and inefficient at those tasks. At its core, it is a rote classification engine that recognizes patterns and determines how likely it is that something falls into a certain category on the basis of those patterns. We should be using it for those types of tasks, then having a human check its work product. Transcribing audio, reading in structured documents, closed-ended coding tasks. That sort of thing.

        1. For a lot of tasks there are better tools; I think LLMs just took off because they don’t appear to require much training to learn how to use them.

      3. This. People are becoming so dependent on AI for simple tasks, which AI does horribly! And it makes up so much, that you have to spend time going over and double checking everything.

    6. We have co-pilot and enterprise AI solutions you can use. My department doesn’t handle sensitive data. It feels to me like there is a ton of pressure from the top to use AI but people who are experts at their roles look down on it. I think AI is a game changer for non-experts, the cleaning company that needs to write their own marketing copy or troubleshoot software issues or auto-reply to customers with personalized reminders. AI is a godsend for that. But people who are already specialized and senior look at AI with skepticism.

  6. Has anyone successfully dropped resentment against their husband, found peace and turned a new leaf? Common story: We both have big careers, three kids 5 and under, big house to maintain, aging parents, and although he does a lot to contribute and is a great dad, I carry the mental load. I struggled with postpartum anger/rage and although I’m beyond that I just still am constantly snappy and often not nice toward my husband. I tend to take things out on him. I yell, I don’t always speak nicely, lose my patience, call out his “flaws”. I want our home life to be peaceful, have affection towards each other, calm dialogue, ideally a friendship between us. I have started working on myself: exercising regularly, finding time to recharge. Where do I start? I assume I need to fix myself before we can fix us?

    1. Start with therapy and talking about whether this is still depression or something else

      1. +1. My depression at its early stages is just anger. It’s only when things are much worse do I turn the typical can’t get out of bed.

          1. It’s also the most common manifestation of depression in older men / elderly men.

    2. Yep, you gotta clean your own house first. And tell him you’re actively working on it and see the problem. And as discussed the other day, zero good comes from a fixation on emotional labor – that’s your emotional life to clean up. Don’t take internet pop psychology into your relationship.

    3. I know this is unpopular, but I think you can’t have two big jobs + be involved with your kids.

      1. That’s insane. But you do need to throw some money at your household issues. This is the time for help of all kinds.

        1. I think you can have two of three things even with throwing all the money in the world around:

          1) happy marriage
          2) two big jobs
          3) happy and healthy kids who like their parents

          Most people choose to sacrifice 1.

          1. I don’t even really think you can have both 2 and 3, at least not with more than one kid.

          3. As a former biglaw attorney who is now a government attorney, I know hundreds of attorneys who picked to sacrifice two. For people who want kids, that’s the one that’s most likely to go.

          4. Sorry, I should’ve said most people unwilling to sacrifice 2 choose to sacrifice 1 over choosing to sacrifice 3!

        2. What does involved mean? Even working a “normal” 40 hours a week, it’s still really hard. If you’re working a lot more, you’re going to get like an hour of free time per day to split among multiple children.

        3. It’s not insane, but it’s really, really unusual for it to work. To quote the new season of The Diplomat, “the only way to do two jobs is to do them both poorly.”

          I do know one couple with two big jobs and two kids who seem happy and making it work. But it only works by a combo of 1) money 2) family backup and 3) both of them being sincerely and equally willing to let balls drop at work to pick up on family obligations in a pinch.

      3. I agree. Especially 3 kids which is way harder than 1 kid or even 2 kids. You outsource all household chores, obviously, but that’s nowhere near enough help, and when you start outsourcing parenting beyond normal 40 hour/week daycare or nanny, it can do serious long term damage to your relationship with your kids.
        I think the best case is probably regular daycare/school/nanny for 30-40 hours/week + a local grandparent who wants to be your weekend and evening nanny so the kids at least have lots of quality time with one close family member. But having a grandparent who’s young and healthy and willing to do that is a fairly rare thing.

      4. Unless those jobs are very flexible (work from home, allows you to flex your hours), I agree. There’s only 168 hours in a week.

      5. I don’t agree with this. I’m an executive and my husband is a regional director. It’s not easy, but we manage and just plan ahead like crazy (I need drop off this day, pick up for this, etc.) we share the responsibility, share household tasks, divide bedtime up, and have a “low bar” for time together-Friday nights are watching a tv show together, having a drink, and relaxing on the couch.

    4. In an identical situation, i recommend a couple things.

      1) if you can afford it outsource as much as possible – grocery delivery, cleaning person, takeout, extra babysitting in the mornings/evenings if you are solo parenting, etc.

      2) sit down and actually divvy up tasks and fully offload them. Let him fail if he does not accomplish his. if he does not do laundry, hes going to have to deal with dirty clothes.

      3) also be real about time, my friends husband was going to the gym every morning and leaving her to do solo mornings with their three kids. That nonsense has to stop. Look at calendars and carve out equal time off v. parenting.

      4. do less and be ok with more dirt and clutter. our kids only do swimming (which is a life safety thing in our area.) no kids soccer, etc. Our house is more cluttered than i like because i just cant deal with spending a ton of time cleaning post bedtime at night.

      this season will not be forever.

    5. The mental reset I try to use is to talk to DH as I would by mom or one of the kids. I find I am quicker to verbalize frustration to him than I am to my mom or kids. Yes the kids are little and I don’t live with my mom so it’s not the same but being more conscious of my approach/attitude helped.

      Having a designated time in each week to talk through any issues and find solutions helped a lot. Like I’d keep a list on my phone, he would too and we’d try to talk through household/family management stuff in a calm co- management kind of way. And yes this is 1000% easier said than done but knowing I had that time to address things helped me let go of frustrations in the moment.

      As someone with 3 kids and two big jobs, there is just an enormous amount of stuff to do and it can often feel overwhelming, trying to feel like it’s you and DH vs the never ending list and not you vs DH helps.

        2. There’s a real limit to what you can outsource with kids if you want your kids to grow up feeling loved and wanted. Sure, outsource cooking and cleaning and lawn care and pet care but with 2 big jobs and 3 kids that’s not going to buy you enough time. You’re going to have to outsource parenting, and that’s very detrimental to your children.

          1. I grew up with a nanny and yeah I didn’t feel loved, I was a burden to by outsources and my relationship with my parents reflects this.

    7. Does your big job and family life create a level of stress that has no outlet other than anger at the nearest adult? If so, the answer is to find a different big job. Something as simple as switching firms may do you a world of good.

      For me, being nice to my husband and children was not something I was capable of doing while in Big Law. I went in house and presto changeo, I was less of a turd with absolutely no therapy or other work.

      1. This. What can you simplify to take the mental load off yourself? Drop an activity or two, smaller house with less maintenance obligations? Lower your expectations?
        One of the biggest takeaways from a failed relationship I had where we lived together was just how draining a too-big house/property could be, especially since I was doing all the care and maintenance. Shrink your lifestyle and quite a few stressors disappear too.

        1. Yep. And if both people were cranky in their big jobs, I’d say either person can do it, but it sounds like OP is the person who is emotionally frazzled, so I think she’s the one who has to change if she wants this to change.

    8. I did. He didn’t. We divorced after visiting 4 marriage counselors (the 5th was basically for him to tell me that he wanted a divorce).

      A lot of times anger and resentment is a completely normal response to a situation. It is not in and of itself a problem. Feelings aren’t the problem. Actions, behaviors, words spoken and unspoken are the problem.

    9. Assuming your big jobs pay well, you need to outsource as much as humanly possible. Yes your savings will take a hit but it’s only for a few years and then you can reassess.

      If your big jobs do not pay well I’d seriously start thinking about why they are taking so much space in your life and brain.

      I think in terms of mental load – stop doing things that are nice to have but not necessary, particularly for the family. He can pick up the slack or not and then you can reassess. The kids don’t need cute bento boxes for daycare. Their clothes don’t need to be folded. You don’t need to resell their old clothes or toys. Look at KC Davis’s book Keeping House While Drowning (I think), that will help you reset your expectations.

      Also – you have to get at least 2 dates a month with your husband where you can feel like adults. Lunch dates, dinner dates, whatever, but it’s key for those years.

      I didn’t think I resented my husband back when the kids were small but in every picture we’re growling at each other.

      1. But also, it is fine to WANT to do all the things you say aren’t needs, and it is fine for that want to mean you choose to step back in some way. There is no shame in making space to take joy where you find it.

    10. Echoing others that it sounds like you are on a treadmill wearing golden handcuffs. (Also, could be mental health issues at play – a lot of people find that anti-anxiety meds allow them to be more patient and loving with their spouse – so look into that, too). If I were you, I would seriously reflect on my values and vision for my family, and whether the current set up of our life was in service to those or sabotaging it. Then bring this to your husband and have an honest conversation where any and all ideas are on the table. I know it’s easy for an outsider to say, but two big jobs and three kids and a huge house is too much to juggle.

      I’ve had luck reframing the mental load conversation for myself as things I WANT to and get to do. I want to know the ins and outs of my kids’ lives and what they need, and I like planning and paying attention to detail and having the control to set our schedules and run our household as I see fit. A lot of “emotional labor” is just life, and I chose it and am glad to have a bustling family. My husband does a lot of the physical labor so I don’t feel like our workloads are wildly out of balance. But I would rather order shoes for our kids than do the dishes every night (like he does). I’m not saying you need to be a Pollyanna, but this works for me.

    11. #1) Gently…..preface any statement you make to him with “I love you”. It is awkward in the heat of the moment, I know; however, it reaffirms to you (and him) your love. PS it makes it much, much harder to spout unnecessarily.
      #2) throw money at things-asap- jointly deciding as a couple what those things are
      #3) you have 3 kids- what are they doing? A two year old can pick up a section of the floor each evening…give her/him a basket and set a timer. All of the kids can do things too. I am the youngest of 8, and yes ma’am we were assigned age appropriate task daily.
      #4) a little dirt never hurt anyone!

      if folks come to visit you they are not there to see the house, they are there to see your family.

    12. What mental load are you carrying, and does it really matter? Sometimes people add things to the load that really don’t need to be there . Therapy could probably help you figure out what’s important and what you need to learn not to care about. Something has to give. If you truly care about all of those things, maybe it’s your job -maybe you need more bandwidth to focus on other things you prioritize.

    13. There are many ways to talk and assess this. But the first step is getting your quick-moving snappishness under control so you can take a breath and figure out where to start. For me, that was meds. I struggled with postpartum rage, too, and then it softened but didn’t quite go away, and of course circumstances made it all understandable. But the meds (low dose Celexa for me, but you can try others) made it so I could get my brain to pause a bit and then deal with what is. For me, that meant rebalancing some things in the house, reframing some things in my mind, and letting some things go. All of that takes time and work, but it would not have been possible without the meds.

      Advice from this stranger: Find a therapist. Think about medication. Go from there.

    14. Three kids and two big careers is a lot. Are either you or your husband willing to scale back at work? It would probably give both of you more breathing room.

    15. I think you guys have too much going on and it’s normal that it feels bad. A mental health professional can tell you if you’re experiencing abnormal amounts of anger, but some amount of feeling bad is normal if you have too much going on. The solution is to have less to do. 3 kids under 5 and under is a lot even without big jobs or eldercare.

      Is there absolutely anything that you’re both doing that a) isn’t necessary or b) can be outsourced?

      Some ideas, in addition to what others have posted:
      -eldercare consultant to manage eldercare issues. I think if you’re both committed to big jobs and you have kids, it’s not possible to do also do much eldercare personally. The jobs can be scaled back or the eldercare can be scaled back.
      -house manager/assistant to deal with house maintenance, taking outgrown clothes to Goodwill, ordering birthday presents for kids’ friends, etc.
      -is there an area of kid/home mental load that spouse can do instead of you?
      -full-time housekeeper/cook for laundry, food shopping, meal prep
      -weekend or evening helper to help with kids or cooking/cleanup even while you’re there so you don’t have to be doing everything at once

    16. I have dropped resentment (mostly – it’s still a relationship between people and sometimes we are mad at each other?), and we have peace. We both have big jobs, and outsource all the things, as basically everyone below said. Our kids have an afterschool nanny, and they are loved and know they are loved, by both us AND their nanny. (Insane some of the blanket statements some people made below.)
      Truly, the most important things that changed for me was that (1) my kids got a little older, and (2) I reframed my thinking to give us each different domains of responsibility. I guess technically speaking, I carry the “mental load” with respect to our kids but frankly, I prefer that. I WANT to be in charge of what we do, when. I truly, I have no interest in managing the lawn guys, changing air filters, managing our money, cooking dinner, etc. etc. etc. I don’t carry the mental load on those tasks. I think we were to list out everything we each do, the list would be about even, although my tasks would be more coordination, and his physical. I’m fine with it.

      So I guess my advice is that you need to get to a place where you’re not focused on the term “mental load” or idea that the load between two partners is going to be equal, and think more about what is equitable for you and your husband. Is it really efficient to “share” the mental load on school stuff? I would argue not – it’s better if one person is in charge. Same goes for basically everything else. And also, your kids are really young. That is some stressful stuff. It totally gets better. So much better, when they are older.

      1. I found it easier to outsource child-related duties when they were younger. Day care is fantastic. Teens require a lot more emotional and relational stuff that just cannot be outsourced. It’s also much harder to find transportation for non-driving tweens and teens who need to get places than it is to find day care for a toddler who can just stay there all day.

        1. Preach. DH and I are having a hard time now because I use most of my emotional bandwidth on the kids. It’s personal in a way that toddler and preschool parenting isn’t.

        2. Agreed. Plus I think the mental load with respect to kids only increases as they get older.

        3. Teens are just more capable of loudly telling you they require more emotional support. Your toddlers needed it, too, but you could carry them crying into day care. Can’t do that with a teen.

          1. I never carried a crying child into daycare. My kids loved going and were so happy there. They didn’t want to leave at pickup time because they were having so much fun.

            I agree on it being much more complicated as they get older. And it’s not because kids under 5 can’t communicate their misery (also LOL that toddlers can’t communicate when they’re mad.) It’s because they have very different needs – their world is naturally very small, they often don’t have any life outside of the home and daycare and if the daycare teachers are nice they can be very happy there. Older children have much more complex lives with friends, activities and other places they want to be that aren’t home and school.

          2. Really? Your baby never cried at drop off? Your 4-9 month old just loooooved daycare everyday? I just do not believe you. Either you started daycare at, like, 2, or your kids were developmentally abnormal.

    17. Tbh, I started to resent my husband more when I was working on myself and he… wasn’t. If it really is the mental load, trying to work on yourself just is more stuff to do and won’t really help that much. The difference between waking up extra early to have time to go for a run vs husband taking on bedtimes a couple times a week so you have time to go for a run is very very real. One is depriving you of sleep, the other is your husband supporting you and the family as a whole.

    18. There is work to be done for sure. It does take two to tango, and of course there are things he can work on and improve.

      For you, at some point there should be a heartfelt apology followed by changed behavior. The apology should include that you know you’ve hurt him repeatedly. Think of a rock that’s been carved by dripping water over time.

      Get a different target for emotional release. It should not be a person. You will teach your children to take out their emotions on other people, and possibly will take your emotions out on them as well. My mother sure did. She treated me the way you describe treating your husband. It was not a good time.

      Good luck – you can do this.

  7. Ugh a colleague recently shared he’s going on his 4 month parental leave in TWO weeks. There is no reason to hide it and spring it on the team so last minute. The leave is guaranteed, but like dude why couldn’t you have done any planning?

    1. If he quit, he’d also have given you only two weeks’ notice. Doesn’t really seem like a big deal.

        1. I’m guessing he’s Norwegian (men get a minimum of 15 weeks paid parental leave) and told HR about the timing, but didn’t inform his colleagues.

          If it is Norway, the notice period for quitting is normally three months.

      2. But permanent hires are much easier to do than getting a temp (or having someone just layer this on top of an existing job for the duration of leave + ramp up / ramp down on either end).

      3. What? No.
        If he quit, he wouldn’t be coming back and expecting to have his work waiting for him. Also, many places want more than 2 weeks notice these days to end on “good terms.” This was a crappy thing to do to his colleagues and shows poor judgment.

        1. If your workplace can’t handle a transition of any role in two weeks, your workplace needs to shore up its processes. Only giving two weeks’ notice for pat leave is weird, but two weeks’ notice being a calamity is a systemic problem that is weirder (and more fixable).

        2. Really? in the US? Almost everyone I know who’s quit has only given 2 weeks notice and in the rare cases someone has given more it’s often backfired on them. I realize parental leave is different than quitting because of the need to pause projects, but I would never advise someone to give more than 2 weeks notice when quitting.

      4. +1. Also you can’t realistically offload much before then anyway. Presumably his manager knows and has ideas for the absence.

      5. But he’s not quitting. He is presumably coming back to an office where he would not want coworkers resenting him. At least as a professional courtesy to others, it terms like the preparation for going on parental leave ought to be a process, not a two week notice. Unless of course he doesn’t really do jack anyway. Conversation in my office a while back was “so and so has gone on leave” with a response of “how can you tell?”

        1. If your org can’t adequately transition any role in two weeks, you need to work on your org’s processes, because they have become too centralized in someone’s brain and too inadequately documented.

          1. How many orgs are like this, honestly? There is no play in the system at all. No redundancies. That would be lively but no place pays for the overstaffing that makes this possible.

          2. It doesn’t require overstaffing. Every workplace manages this every time anyone gives two weeks’ notice.

          3. I mean, there’s a big difference between “could do it” and “would be smooth if we had more lead time to do it” and this guy decided that giving his org the least possible amount of prep time was the best approach.

            Understandable if the org has a practice of taking you off “good” projects too early if you announce early, but otherwise, unkind to your coworkers.

          4. Agree with Cat. It can all be done but that’s not the point. Many places have projects/cases that are ongoing/take much longer 2 weeks to finish. And whoever said “Presumably his manager knows and has ideas for the absence” – I don’t see that anywhere in the OP’s post. And nothing about this being unexpected either. So taken as written – someone just taking the leave and only giving notice now seems ill considered at best unless your job is so fungible that it really doesn’t matter.

    2. The two weeks isn’t why you are upset. Presuming it’s not an adoption, it’s because he didn’t share this very big development in his life for 7+ months with the team.

      1. Not OP, but that wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t need to know the deets about everyone’s weddings and babies.

        1. Yeah I don’t care about the baby (like good for him and I just donated generously to his shower) my concern truly is the extra work load and inability to plan. There are certain projects which could have been deferred or undertaken using consultants/different methods if I had known.

    3. What? How did his boss not know? TBH, I think this is more of the boss’ responsibility

  8. Any recommendations on where to look for a casual chunky, open cardigan sweater (no buttons, etc.)? Looking for a dark color (navy, black, dark grey) and ideally machine washable.

  9. I have $30k in normal savings accounts and the rest in investments. I’m single, live in NYC, own my apartment. If I needed more money I could always sell investments, but that would take a day or two.

    My family is fairly risk-seeking and is encouraging me to invest more of that cash so that it is at least growing. It can be in fairly safe investments. Their rationale is that worst comes to worst they could help me so I wouldn’t like be homeless, and that as I said I can always sell investments. (I know this is a lucky position to be in). I’m generally not risk-averse, but I’m struggling to figure out whats a reasonable amount of cash to keep around. Thoughts?

      1. Counterpoint: the most cash I have ever needed to access with less than 24 hours notice was $800, and I’m in my mid-50s.

        1. This is what I was thinking – when would you need that much money at once? Even if you had a major home emergency you could pay on credit card (to be paid off immediately before interest) or in 2 days. Health emergencies don’t bill you immediately. I travel a lot for work in some ~interesting~ places and sometimes think about “how could I pay to get out of here right now if I wanted” and credit card + the cash I do have covers most of those situations.

        2. Really? You’ve never had a pipe burst at your house or a car repair that surprised you? You’ve never had a medical emergency that landed you in the ER or your dog at the vet?

          1. Yes, but I didn’t have to pay for any of those less than 24 hours after the emergency took place.

          2. Any of those things could happen. I have a Mileage Plus credit card with a 70K limit, an Amex with a 50K limit. I really cannot think of a time I’d need that much cash that quickly, truly.

      2. +1. That’s not much money for a HCOL city. Especially if you’re a homeowner. I imagine you could only survive a couple months if you lose your job.

      3. Counterpoint, I can’t imagine having more than $10k in cash. But I’m in a LCOL area, not NYC.

    3. I don’t want to have to sell investments if markets crash and I lose my job (or get sick or whatever), so we have at least six months of expenses in a high yield savings account. I do consider various investment accounts to be a secondary emergency fund, but I want a decent amount in cash first.

      1. The $30k is 6 months expenses. So if I lost my job I wouldn’t have to sell my investments immediately, I’d have some breathing room. I was thinking of reducing it to like $20k, not no cash at all. That would scare me.

        1. Investments also go down. It’s not a good idea to have your emergency fund vulnerable like that. Keep a mix of assets.

          1. Eh. This depends on how much money you have. I’m not OP, but I have about $2m in a brokerage account. Even if it drops by 50% (which it probably won’t), I can very comfortably sell $5k/month if that’s my burn rate. Not a big deal.

          2. I think having $2M in investments (plus other assets potentially) means you are comfortable with different risks than many people.

          3. Yes. Congratulations. That was the point of my comment, pointing out that the analysis differs based on how much money you have.

          4. I made the comment and have more than that too, but the advice still stands. Keep cash on hand and don’t invest your bottom dollar.

          5. The advice really doesn’t stand, though. Keep some cash on hand, sure, but how much is very much relative to your overall net worth and the liquidity of your non-savings account assets.

        2. If it would scare you to reduce your cash from $30,000 to $20,000, then don’t do it, and maintain your $30,000 cash position. It helps you sleep at night, and the marginal incremental potential increase in earnings from peeling of $10,000 to convert from cash to investments isn’t worth it. You know yourself and your financial situation best. Congratulations on being responsible!

    4. I typically keep between 20-30k in savings accounts. Is it the most the savvy decision? No. Does it mean I can write a check that day and negotiate a cash price when the HVAC decides to give up on life? Yes.

      1. Same day HVAC fixes (or similar) is one of the big reasons I want easy access to cash tbh.

    5. in addition to what others have said, it makes me think of the thread above, and that your family can only pressure you to invest more because they seem to know a lot about your financial picture. If that works for you great, but if not there are other ways.

      1. I mean it’s not actual pressure, we’re one of the families (as mentioned above) that talk about finances generally. I’m just continuing the convo here. They brought up an idea and I’m debating it.

    6. Is this money in a high yield savings account? If so, you are potentially losing out on some growth but you are still early interest on the money.

      I would keep 6 months easily accessible. Even if your parents could help you out in a bind, I think honestly about how you’d feel having to ask them for money. Although I would do it if needed, I’m in my 30s and don’t want to need to do that so I keep a six-month emergency fund in a high-yield savings account.

      1. I would not want to ask them for money and I told them that. It just would not be a dire situation.

        This came up because my younger sibling has 0 in cash and is fine with it, which is a whole ‘nother discussion.

        1. Lol—also have zero cash. Im not fine with it, but thats how it rolls w my pay and expenses. In an emergency where the credit card won’t cut it, I’m sunk—like most of the US population.

    7. i’ve had close to $300k in HYSA, CDs, or Treasury and while that was way too much, I feel like $30k is a totally reasonable amount.

      You keep that much money to give yourself grace period if you get laid off and the economy/markets tank, which tend to happen at the same time. Guessing your mortgage on your apartment is close to $4k a month or more, so I would at least keep $12k in cash. You also need living expenses, bills, etc. Figure out what the number is and adjust. We’ve been looking at our numbers to gauge if we’re at a good FIRE spot and I’ve been shocked how much we spend each month.

    8. This is just a personal preference. Some people are fine with the risk of having <6 months of cash in the bank. If you lost your job, would you rely 100% on your cash reserves, or would you do something else while job hunting? Would you be OK putting some expenses on a credit card if necessary? Would you be OK asking your parents for a short term loan to avoid selling investments? Would you be OK selling investments at a loss? If the answer to any of those is "sure!" then you don't need 6 full months of living expenses in cash. Not everyone has the same risk tolerance or safety net.

      1. I would be fine selling investments at a loss, and if I lost my job I would start lookin g into that immediately. I recently had some house expenses and sold investments (at a profit, not a loss) to fund them.

    9. Not what you asked: your family is way too up in your business and needs to learn boundaries. Shut this down.

      1. People can have these convos with family or friends. I should have just left the family part out because its a distraction. I obvi don’t have to do any thing they say, and they wouldn’t know either way.

        I do want to know whether what I’m doing is smart or too cautious or too risky. You do have to discuss that with people (family,friends, investment advisor, Reddit, whatever) to figure it out.

    10. It sounds like you were comfortable with what you were doing until you discussed with your family. I’d stop discussing specific details of how much money you have and where it is with your family.

    11. That’s the amount of cash (in savings) I have because I want a fund separate from my investments in case we had a repeat of the Great Recession. It is meant to be layoff money to cover bills until it can be replaced.

    12. What you are doing sounds fine to me, and is similar to what I keep in cash. But my cash is in a high yield money market fund, which gets much better returns than a typical savings account. You are doing that, right?

  10. Is there a reason the leave may have been accelerated due to an early birth? Most folks I’ve worked with start soft transitioning ~4 weeks out from a due date, but sometimes life happens and babies come early / there are other medical reasons leave needs to be pulled up.

    Could be bad planning on your colleague’s part, could be that he thought he had loads more time.

    1. I was also wondering whether he knew he’s going to take paternity leave. Maybe the baby is coming earlier than expected, maybe he and his wife realized she needs more help with the baby (due to pregnancy complications or a change in childcare arrangements). If he knew in advance it’s possible he didn’t want to be “punished” with less desirable assignments. Or maybe he was just oblivious

    1. I have at least 6 pairs of Dolce Vita shoes (not boots though). All are comfortable and have lasted many years. I’d highly recommend the brand.

  12. Can you recommend writing resources to subject matter experts write for lay people? I am in charge of a training to teach SMEs write for a wide audience that includes people unfamiliar with their industry. The tricky part is that the SMEs are used to writing for an internal operational audience and have developed a short-hand, where they don’t always connect the dots or explain their thinking. The writing is full of assumptions that reads like crazy pants to people on the outside. The SMEs have all worked in their world for decades and are so entrenched, they don’t see the issue.
    I’m thinking of visuals illustrating that 1 + 1 does not equal 5 or something like that.

    1. My office has a dedicated staffer for this purpose. They have a degree in comms and their whole job is simplifying things for the general public. They require a bit of negotiating though because sometimes the simple language loses key details.

    4. Make them read and then explain each other’s writing back to the author, using only the information in the writing.

    5. Have you considered using a ghostwriter (or “author team”) interview the SME and turn it into an article, or whatever format you will use? It’s extremely common.

    2. I tried on a similar dress of theirs and looked like an extra from Bridgerton, the bosom was so ready to explode. C cup.

    3. Not that exact dress, but in my experience, Reformation is not cut for anyone above a C cup.

    5. Agreed, I cannot buy any form fitting top from Ref because they cut really narrow in the chest.

    2. I’ve had it on my Bingo card since the 2016 election. I remember being petrified that Christmas that we wouldn’t make it through the year. Honestly, it brings me cold comfort to know I (we) were just as freaked out back then and somehow made it.

    3. We were about 100 large steps away from nuclear war, and now we are perhaps 99.8 large steps away from it.

      Nuclear proliferation is its own danger and is the risk worth focusing on at the moment.

  15. I want to get a nameplate necklace for my preteen daughter’s bday. Debating between silver and gold. Would like something real either way so no goldplate. I know Catbird has a gold version but debating whether to get something cheaper in case she loses it. OTH, would love something “special” that she can keep forever.
    Thoughts? Recommendations for places other than catbird?

    1. It’s not going to be in style forever, so don’t let that be too big of a factor for you.

        1. I think it’s more classic than you think. These were big when I was a kid, too. It’s kind of like a heart-shaped locket, comes and goes as far as being “in” but sort of a classic too.

          1. All to say if anyone can recommend a source for a nice version, please chime in :-)

          3. does she want one that’s trendy now (think a bubbly-looking initial), or like, the kind Carrie wears in SATC?

    2. I’ve been really happy with a few heyharper pieces and I think they would work great for a preteen – it is some version of gold-plated but they look very nice and they are pretty indestructible. I don’t know if they do full names, but I’ve definitely seen single letters/initials there

    3. I’m cynical enough to find it disturbing for a child to wear her name around in public.

          2. If there are other spots (and there always are) I’m certainly not parking next to the van.

      2. +1. Have had problems with using name tags at work, would not wear one voluntarily or at such a young age.

        Men were overly-familiar creeps. Plus stranger danger.

      3. Yes, Pottery Barn Kids has led to SUCH an increase in abductions with all their monogramming of backpacks, lunch bags, etc.

        1. As an adult who has been creeped on while wearing a required name tag, I find those problematic to (although I don’t expect anyone to wear their monogrammed lunchbox around like they might a necklace).

        1. I actually do not own a TV, nor do I stream. This is basic common sense and is validated by personal experience. You obviously disagree, which you are free to do.

      5. Agreed. My mom refused to buy us kids any clothing, like T-shirts, with our names on them, as she did not want any stranger to be able to say, “hi [NAME], your mommy told me to pick you up from school today.” It’s a respectable and reasonable concern, and not appropriate to belittle. That said, the OP asked for sources of name plate necklaces, not on whether it’s a good idea to gift one to a child. Maybe answer the questions or move on?

        1. Nah, I’m comfortable sharing an unpopular opinion without backing down because others don’t like it.

          You also seem to be fine with providing a related but not responsive comment.

    4. For a preteen, get silver – she could easily loose or break it or decide she hates it. It is the thought that makes it special, not the cost.

    6. Is there a local jeweler you can work with? I have both my daughters nameplate necklaces I got when they were born that I wear, and plan to give them to them to wear around 15ish. They are real gold, however. If a preteen was going to wear it daily and not take it off I’d be ok investing in it for her. We had a local jeweler make it.

Comments are closed.