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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 284 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Silk Blend Cardigan

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Brooks Brothers Silk Blend CardiganOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Brooks Brothers has a number of silk/cotton sweaters on deep discount right now, including this fun blue number. If you've never had one, I highly recommend any silk blend sweaters, particularly cardigans — they're generally slim flitting, hard wearing, and drape wonderfully when thrown around your shoulders. Personally I'd wear this bright blue year round, but that's me — try it with a deep red in January and February before wearing it with some pastels (mint, light blue) in March and April, then start pairing it with crisp white after Memorial Day… the options go on and on. This one was $128 but is now marked to $51, while the matching shell is down to $32. Brooks Brothers Silk Blend Cardigan Psst: This previous recommendation is now on sale in lucky sizes down to $64, and this silk blend bolero is also nice. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Adult Acne

    Recently off the pill after nearly a decade and my acne is out. of. control. Pre-pill/teenage me also had terrible acne (although that’s not why I went on it). I know it takes a while for things to stabilize within, but is this worthy of a derm appointment? I feel like there should be some solution, but I’m not sure if it’s just hormonal and otherwise not worth the time of going in. Anyone else have to deal with this? Solutions? My mug thanks you.

    • Anonymous

      Not a doctor but a fellow sufferer. It sounds hormonal. And the treatments I’ve been prescribed all include the pill. Accutane? Have to get on the pill. Spironolactone? Also goes with the pill. Or I’ve been prescribed . . . the pill. Frustrating. You might have better luck negotiating with your derm than I have if you have a strong reason for going off BC though.

    • lawsuited

      I had the same problem (and others) when I went off the pill after 10 years, and they sorted themselves out within a cycle or two. Personally, I’d wait 2 months before making a dermatologist appointment. In the meantime, I recommend the Murad acne line (you can get a 30 -day kit at Sephora for $30 or so) – it helped me out a lot during the transition and other times when I’m stressed/hormones are acting up.

      • Contracts

        I’ve been off of BC for a few years, and I’ve had the same problems. I’ve used the Murad acne and anti-aging line, and I’ve had good luck with it. I’ve repurchased the clearing solution twice.

      • January

        I would call a derm now because, depending on the doctor, you might have to wait 2-3 months (0r more) to even get an appointment. My acne also got worse after I went off the pill and my derm’s solution was antibiotics (not sure if that’s an option for you).

    • Maud

      I just went through this and after 6 months of monstrous cystic acne went to the derm. I got a prescription for spironolactone and it has been life changing. In less than a month, my skin dramatically improved and now looks the best it ever has.

      If you’ve had problem skin in the past, don’t wait to see a derm. Terrible acne is the worst.

      • acne in my 40's

        +1

        I would see a dermatologist. I also went from the pill to Spironolactone for my acne. Has been life changing. However, you can’t take Spiro if you are planning to get pregnant (very toxic to fetus), so that can be a problem depending on why you want to get off the pill.

        I would see a derm to review the current topical options. A topical retinol can be good. I use it in combo with sulfur containing cleaners. But I find that the bad cystic acne (vs. small whiteheads) is mostly hormonal and really responded well to the meds.

        Spironolactone actually works a lot better for me than the pill. How I wish I had gone to a dermatologist 20 years ago to learn what I know now….

    • Womp

      I would go see a derm ASAP. Hormonal acne is often cystic acne, and that can take months and months to clear up, and cause scarring. (No judgments, fellow sufferer here!)

      In the meantime, I recommend products with sulfur (you can get cheap ones in the latino section of Target which are not available in the regular skincare aisle) which are MUCH MUCH cheaper than Murad or alpha hydroxy washes to chemically remove dead skin cells. I also like Neutrogena’s On-the-Spot acne treatment (it’s a lower percentage), Jan Marini Bioglycolic wash or alpha hydrox wash. I follow any BP wash with a wash of Purpose.

      FWIW, I have had decently bad acne most of my life, and going off the pill for a month or two can lead to six plus months of angry skin for me. :(

    • Anonymous

      I went off the pill and had an IUD inserted – skin went nuts. I take spironolactone (50 mg once a day) + use Retin-A (tretinoin .05% cream delivery). No issues. You have to be diligent though – I don’t use the Retin-A every night but more than 2 or 3 nights without it and I break out.

      • Jennifer

        I had the same thing when I switched from pill to progesterone-only IUD. I used a sulfur mask (Dr. Dennis Gross is the brand, I think? I bought it at Sephora, white and orange packaging) a couple times a week, and have also tried the Murad spot treatment with great success. Also switched back to acne face wash, and a more intense Clarisonic brush head.
        Nice to know that Retin-A is another option if the currect regime stops working!

    • Anonymous

      I might give it a month or two just to see if it stabilizes, but then go see a derm. Unlike most people, spironolactone did absolutely nothing to help my acne (but worked wonders for horrible menstrual cramps after I got an IUD and also decreased the oil level of my skin…). Bactrim, which is a sulfa oral antibiotic, is the only thing that’s ever worked for me (in my years and years of acne suffering, I think I’ve tried everything else, except accutane). Tazorac and aczone help, but really it takes the oral antibiotic to get it clear.

    • OP

      Thanks, all. You rock. I should have clarified that I’m off the pill for 2 months now as we’re TTC, so that will impact course of treatment.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        If you’re trying to avoid harsher medicines because of the TTC aspect of things, I got my (lifelong, terrible) acne mostly under control by scheduling monthly acne facials at a local day spa, and using dermalogica products. It took 2-3 months to really see results that were noticeable to people other than me, and I still get the occasional blemish in my worst problem areas, but I went from having acne so bad that I was even putting on light makeup to go to the gym because of the embarrassment, to being able to leave the house on weekends makeup free without giving it a second thought, so I’m pretty happy. Also, once my skin stabilized (about a year in), I cut the facial appointments back to every other month, and my skin maintains itself pretty well between appointments.

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t changed anything like OP, but over the past se my face has broken out a lot more than normal. For years I used Proactiv and it worked really well, but it doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. I’ve tried various other acne sets and they don’t seem to work either. I’d like to try one more thing a shot before making a derm appointment (which around here could take months anyway). Any suggestions? Anything with salicylic acid never works for me.

      • TrulyAnon

        Personally, I’ve found that I can not use any products containing Panthenol (also known as Pro-Vitamin B5) on my face, hair, or body. I’ve found that eliminating Panthenol (no easy task) and then thoroughly cleaning my face each night by lightly scrubbing with cleanser on a fresh facecloth is working for me.

    • Anonymous

      Wishing you luck TTC! A few thoughts – most topical acne products are not recommended during pregnancy…so, if you are serious about TTC you will want to keep that in mind. Also, given that your acne flared up significantly post BC, you might want to consider being tested for PCOS – especially if your cycles are having trouble regulating.

      • Calico

        +1 I just went through this after going off the pill and trying to conceive. I’m about 6 months out and my acne is still awful. The best I’ve found that is still safe to use while TTC is actually diaper cream. Seriously. Apparently high amounts of zinc are beneficial to the skin. It’s helped me a lot. I ended up buying a zinc powder on amazon and mixing it with lotion. Added benefit- it’s also a great sunscreen.

      • OP

        Interesting. Does PCOS develop later in life (I’m 31)? My sister has it quite severely, but she’s known about it since she was 14, and swears there’s no way I wouldn’t already know about it. I feel silly calling the doc and saying “I did some googling and have been TTC for just three months, diagnose me!” But, if that sounds reasonable I really do want to explore the possibility sooner than later.

        • Msj

          I don’t know if it develops later in life, but I know plenty of people who were only diagnosed when they got off BC and started TTC. If you suspect it could be an issue, I’d bring it up with your OB that there is family history and start actively tracking your ovulation to see if you ovulate regularly each month.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, to add on to my earlier reply (IUD girl) – I initially saw a local derm, but now I see a doctor through Spruce, which is an app for your iPhone that has a derm diagnose you via surveys, photos and discussion. It’s great and the first appointment is free (I think a code comes up when you google it). I highly recommend.

  2. Anonnn

    So yesterday we talked about the “social rules” of whether to decline a wedding invite. I’m wondering what people think about the gift-giving aspect of it.

    So, I got married last year. Some people came and didn’t bring us a gift. Some people didn’t come, and also didn’t send a gift.

    Does declining the invite get you out of giving the couple a wedding present? I mean, if someone isn’t going to buy a gift, is it rude of them to still come?

    My mom was shocked by the people who came and didn’t bring us anything. To me, I felt like it was better that they came than stayed home.

    I mean, ideally everyone would buy a gift for every wedding. But that gets so expensive! So if you couldn’t afford to buy a gift, can you still go celebrate?

    • PinkKeyboard

      I personally wouldn’t because we aren’t in a financial situation where we can’t give a gift but plenty of people didn’t give us gifts (and came) and it was no problem to me. I invited you because I wanted you to attend, not for stuff. I’d also never want to overextend someone so that they can give a gift.

      • the gold digger

        Gifts are absolutely not mandatory. You are inviting people to help you celebrate – you are the host. A gift is a bonus, not the price of the plate.

        When my husband and I got married, we merged two complete households. We joked that if we had had a big wedding (we had immediate family only), we would have had to tell people that not only could they not give us presents, they would have to take a lamp or a set of towels with them.

        • Contracts

          I agree – gifts are not mandatory for wedding invites. However, if you receive an invitation to a shower, the proper etiquette is to send a gift, even if you don’t attend. I know this, because I have a terrible guilt about being way behind on some baby shower invites I still need to send gifts for…

          • Anonymous

            That’s not true at all. You must bring a shower gift if you attend. You don’t have to if you don’t go to the shower.

          • Senior Attorney

            I agree with Anonymous. An invitation is never an invoice for a gift. I do agree that if you attend a shower you should bring a gift, because that’s what a shower is.

          • Dahlia

            Totally, totally disagree. This is potentially why I get shower invites for people who work at my hospital who I can’t actually place a face to the name, or old school friends I haven’t seen in years who live an airfare away. They must know I’m not going to attend- are they doing it to obligate me to send a gift?

            I don’t. I bring a gift if I attend or if I want to attend and would have attended if I could. I don’t consider every invitation a summons or an invoice.

    • Cb

      I would much rather people come empty-handed rather than skip it entirely but our guest list was quite small, everyone we invited, we really wanted there. We had a few people come and bring us a small gift (a plant in a pot that their daughter had painted, an inexpensive bottle of prosecco). Although we had someone invite herself and then not even get us a card which annoyed me a bit.

      I think if I was in a situation where I couldn’t afford a gift, I’d make an effort to make them dinner or do something helpful pre- or post-wedding.

    • lawsuited

      I am not a wedding etiquette expert (thank goodness!), but I would always give a gift if attending the wedding. Exceptions are where it’s particularly expensive for me to attend the wedding and the couple getting married has told me not to get a gift because “attending is the gift”.

      To date, I have sent a gift if I am invited to a wedding but am unable to attend, but not because I think I’m obligated to. I do it because the person is close to be, and I’m sad that I can’t attend their wedding, but want to mark the celebration in some way. For the same reason, I have bought wedding gifts for people close to me even when I am not invited to the wedding.

      Ultimately, I think people who attend a wedding usually give a gift as a token of goodwill and as a thank you for the food/drink/fun, and people not attending the wedding can still give gifts as a token of goodwill. However, a wedding invitation is not a coupon for a gift, so you can’t expect gifts from people who decline the invitation.

    • moss

      We had a tiny wedding (but still married 10+ years later) and got hardly any gifts. I didn’t care. I had people I loved there and I had a wonderful day and still have great memories. The wedding industrial complex teaches people to keep score and freak out over everything but it really doesn’t have to be that way.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        “The wedding industrial complex teaches people to keep score and freak out over everything but it really doesn’t have to be that way.”

        Yeah, you sort of can’t win with weddings. I mentioned yesterday there were two people invited to our wedding-me and my husband. We only told our family and friends after we got married. I am sure it reduced stress and family drama overall, but not completely.

        Gifts. Ahhh. I didn’t really want or expect any gifts-we had a fully furnished home when we got married and I didn’t expect people to send us cash either. But I got countless questions about gifts and money, including variations on “well, I gave X person Y gift or Z amount of money, so I need to give you the same right?” Sigh. I have a closet full of weddings gifts we’ll never use because they are not our taste, including a homemade quilt-set with roosters and trains (?) on it and really expensive crystal and silver. Anyone who knows me would know that dishwasher safe is key to my life. But I felt bad about returning the stuff that was returnable, so some of these people wasted their money. Which makes me feel bad. I should sell the stuff or otherwise get rid of it.

        Oh, and we had some family members try to get us to have a reception in an inconvenient location and invite all these people. I think they were really missing the point…..

        • Senior Attorney

          You can put that expensive crystal and silver in the dishwasher, just FYI. I do it all the time with no problem. And if it breaks, it breaks. Better than not using it at all.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, unless there is metal trim that will ruin your dishwasher, use the china & crystal and put it in there!

    • Em

      I think it’s more often that people intended to get a gift but got distracted, let it lapse too long, and then felt weird about it. It’s not ideal but it happens and I wouldn’t hold it against anyone.

    • Anonymous

      Strictly speaking there is never an obligation to give a gift. Because then it would not be a gift. But also yes, declining the invite gets you out of giving a gift. Those declining can still give a gift, if they want, because presumably you guys like each other enough if you invited them to the wedding. But an invitation should never be considered a demand for stuff.

    • Anonymous

      Yes! A gift is not a requirement.

      I look at it this way- if you don’t like the couple enough to want to get them a gift, you should decline. If you would like to get them a gift but can’t for whatever reason, absolutely attend. There’s zero requirement for anyone to get a gift but certainly people who do not attend are not expected to send gifts, although they may want to.

    • Anon

      I might be a bad person, but when I spend 500+-$1000 dollars on a plane ticket, plus two nights of hotel (I live cross-country from my childhood home and college friends) , I don’t think that I need to get a gift if I write a heartfelt note. There’s been a lot of real talk about (i) budgets and (ii) friendships being destroyed when not attending weddings. I may be slightly in the wrong etiquette-wise, but I would rather literally “be there” for a good friend taking a huge step in her life than not be there and buy her a Cuisinart. In some cases, I buy a shower gift or attend a bachelorette too, so I feel like I’ve given all I can give, given a heavy student loan burden.

      Ok, Hive, pile on me.

      • anon

        I agree. I am also more inclined to lean this way when the couple is in their 30’s, has been living together for years, and I feel like the gift is just upgrading their stuff to nicer stuff. Last couple who I did this to got a hand-drawn card in the theme of their wedding and a heartfelt note, and my presence at the cost of $800. I know this isn’t “etiquette” but…I feel less bad about that than I would, for example, not giving my broke pregnant sister a baby monitor/stroller/something pricey.

        • LAnon

          Yes, this is something that’s frustrating to me as well – the original purpose of wedding presents was to help the couple establish a household, since theoretically, one or both of them had likely been living at home with their family prior to the wedding. I’m 32 now and all my friends who are getting married have had their own places for nearly a decade! I’ll get small-ish things of the registry because I don’t want to cause a scene, but it does rankle a bit that wedding presents in many social circles have become, “Let’s have our family and friends upgrade all our kitchen stuff!”

        • Anonymous

          I see where you’re coming from but gifts are an expression of affection, not just financial support.

          • anon

            For sure, I don’t disagree with you. That’s why I shell out $800 to go to the wedding, and spend my time making a drawing and writing a card- to express my affection.

            I have tons of affection for my friends, but at some point, I’m going to feel less guilty about translating that affection into 600 tc sheets.

          • Anonymous

            Not to mention this attitude feels unnecessarily punitive to those of us who weren’t able to meet someone until our 30s and therefore had to furnish a house with Ikea on our own dime, or people who had the opportunity to marry earlier but thought it was responsible to wait until they were on solid financial footing.

          • anon

            Unnecessarily punitive?

            I’m spending 1k to get to your wedding and I’m punishing you for not getting married when you were 23 by not getting you better sheets? You already have sheets, right?

            Life isn’t fair. Having to furnish your house on your own dime- not your friends’- is a part of being an adult. I’m single and childless and I’ve spent so much on wedding gifts, shower gifts, baby gifts. If I get married, it will be in my 30s. Should I be arguing that this system feels punitive? I mean, I didn’t choose for these people to have babies, and yet I’m expected to give gifts. (To be clear- this is not something I believe, it’s just for the sake of argument).

            I’m not saying I’d never get a gift for friends who had a fully furnished household. I’m saying I might feel slightly less guilty about not doing it if I shelled out tons of money to get to the wedding in the first place. It’s attitudes like yours that make gift giving feel transnational and obligatory and like brides and grooms are entitled to items simply for getting married.

          • Anonymous

            Wow, relax.

            1. I wasn’t saying you need to drop tons more money after spending thousands to go to a wedding. Personally, I wouldn’t spend thousands to go to a wedding because it’s outside of *my* budget (that statement is not at all a comment on others who do spend that) so I would absolutely never expect anyone to spend that much to travel to mine, if it ever happens, no matter what else they spend their money on (because that’s none of my business).

            2. If anything, I was positing that gifting should go in the direction of less, not more. As in, it’s absurd that there’s this expectation that if you get married at 22 that it’s the job of everyone else to subsidize your household and personal choice. And they’ve presumably not slept on the floor for the first 21 years of their lives, so they’ve got sheets too. And they can use the hand-me-down pots from their parents like the rest of us did. A token gift of celebration is nice, but as you noted with high travel costs, a guests’ presence can be the gift–and I’ll add that this should apply regardless of the couples’ station in life.

          • lawsuited

            For Anonymous at 11:03am, I’m just hear to say that I got married at 23 and still had to furnish my place with items from Ikea (and yard sales) because no way could my 23-year-old friends afford to buy me wedding gifts. I’m totally cool with that, because the point was to be married, not to have a 12 person dinner set.

          • anon

            “Wow, relax.”

            I’m quite relaxed, thanks. No need to chastise me for simply responding to your comment. You’re the one who expressed chagrin that you were being “punished” by having to furnish your own house.

          • Anonymous

            If that’s how you respond to everything when you make outlandish assumptions based on your own insecurities, you sound like a peach. Helpful hint, your “friends” would probably rather have you send a check than come.

          • Care

            Agreed with lawsuited. Marrying young meant my friends didn’t have money to travel (many could only come because they lived within driving distance and stayed with friends/family) or buy fancy gifts. The only fancy starter house stuff I received came from parents’ friends and our relatives. Those are the same people that are happy to upgrade house stuff for couples who are more established because they tend to lean toward more traditional wedding gifts anyway.

          • anon

            Jesus H Christ, I sure hope that this incoherent little screed by Anonymous at 12:29:

            “If that’s how you respond to everything when you make outlandish assumptions based on your own insecurities, you sound like a peach. Helpful hint, your “friends” would probably rather have you send a check than come.”

            wasn’t directed at me. WTF is wrong with you.

          • Alana

            This seems to boil down to people’s differences regarding the 5 love languages.

      • Anonymous

        I definitely think you don’t have to give a large amount given the expense you’re going to to get to the wedding, but you should still try to give something small. It can be something very affordable off the registry (a friend who was in grad school at the time and stretching her budget to attend our wedding got us a cheese grater that was less than $10 – still counts as a gift and we really appreciated it because we knew how much the wedding was stretching her budget!), or even something homemade (for example, a photo collage of you and the bride), but I think it’s nice to give something. Personally, I’d skip the shower gift to do a wedding gift, or divide the amount of money you’re spending on a shower gift to get something small for the shower and something small for the wedding, since I think a wedding gift is more expected. But ultimately if it really comes down to being there with no gift vs. not being there and getting a gift, I agree 100% that showing up is the better option!

        • Two Cents

          I agree. I think everyone attending should give a gift or at a minimum, write a heartfelt card. A friend of mine gave me a sweet picture of the two of us in a simple frame and a long letter about our friendship. I loved it and cherished it. You don’t have to give a fancy gift, but I think it’s good to give something.

        • APC

          +1 Please send a card or SOMETHING. What I was struck by most for the people who didn’t give gifts at my wedding (either if they attended or not) was their lack of acknowledgement of my wedding. That was what hurt. Send me a card, give me a $10 photo frame. But acknowledge my wedding/my marriage. Just last night I got a gift (months after the wedding) from a close family friend with significant financial hardship – homemade cookies, and probably about $30 worth of household things from a discount store (photo frame, wall clock, etc.). It was SO heartfelt and meant more to me than many of the other gifts I received.

          • NYtoCO

            I don’t understand how you’re including people who attended your wedding into this concept. They acknowledged your wedding by attending. That’s that.

          • APC

            Definitely disagree. If you’re attending a wedding, standard etiquette is you DO give a gift. If you show up, give a card at least. It’s one thing to not go to a wedding and maybe forget it happened. But to go and still actively decide to forego any gift/card? No thanks. Yes, I judged and was hurt by the people who did that. No, it has nothing to do with money.

      • the gold digger

        Pile on? No! I am here to stand next to you in solidarity.

        My husband and I would spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to his mom and dad’s, rent a car (because they did not want to pick us up at the airport), and then spend our time doing chores at their house (cleaning out the garage, repairing the torn screens, cleaning the fridge).

        My FIL would tell my husband what to buy for my MIL, i.e., “Your mother wants these [$100] garden lights.]

        Umm. I don’t even buy Christmas gifts for my own family – we went giftless years ago. Why would I want to spend one penny more than I have already spent on my husband’s [mean to him] parents?

    • Cream Tea

      As has been pointed out on this s!te many times, a wedding invitation is not an invoice for a present. That being said, I do think it’s poor form to show up and not give ANYTHING – a card, a nice bottle of wine, a DIY present (think framed photograph) or some nice stationery would all go down well and don’t cost much. It’s the gesture – no one is sitting there tallying up who spent what (I hope).

    • Anonymous

      I was taught growing up that if you attend the wedding, you are supposed to bring a gift, but if you decline, a gift is optional. That said, when I got married (in an expensive and difficult to reach location) a few people came without bringing a gift. Most of them were people of modest means who traveled a long way to celebrate with us and I was so appreciative of their presence and completely understood that the thousand dollars or more that they spent attending was the gift. There was one family who was much wealthier and also only had to drive a few hours to the wedding as opposed to flying (like most guests) and it definitely annoyed me that they didn’t give any gift. But that breach of etiquette absolutely paled in comparison to their other breach of etiquette, which was bringing their four kids uninvited (and unannounced!!) to a “no kids” wedding!

    • cbackson

      No, it is never rude for someone to accept an invitation. The gift is, as you felt, a *gift* – not an admission fee.

      I literally have no idea who didn’t give gifts at my wedding. A lot of people in my extended social world are poor – not working class, but truly poor – and so gifts for weddings have always been less of a check-the-box thing in my experience.

    • Dulcinea

      I think the idea that anyone is ever obligated to give a “gift” is incredibly tasteless. Likewise, the idea that your gift should match the value of your meal is even tackier. (Especially because: if someone can afford to throw a really lavish wedding with gourmet food, they probably can afford a stand mixer..and if they can’t they shouldn’t be throwing such a lavish event).

      I also think these idea has given rise to the idea that invitations are just “gift grabs.” Of course, it is true that because some people believe gifts are mandatory, they are being “gift grabby” when the invite people. I am not one of those people, and it makes me really sad to think that when I want to throw a big party (whether wedding or housewarming or other event), people I am fond of and want to invite would be insulted because they think I am just trying to give them to buy me something. Or that someone would decline the invitation because they can’t afford to both attend and buy me something.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        AMEN to the idea that your gift shouldn’t “cover your plate”. I gave much more generously to my young cousin and his wife who had very little than I did to my girlfriend who’s a trust fund baby. Her wedding was probably over ten times the cost of my cousin’s. Why should the wealthy (or those who have big-budget weddings) get more?

    • Anon

      I think you should always, at a minimum, send a nice note – whether you attend the wedding or not. We had several people decline our wedding invitation and then… nothing. Where I’m from, you send a gift if you were invited to the wedding, so not getting any response aside from a declined RSVP felt like they were saying – “why did you even invite me”. To be clear – I didn’t expect a gift, just some kind of acknowledgment. We had to cut down our guest list, gave you a spot, and then you don’t even email or write a note? Weird.

      • Anonymous

        This was hurtful to me too. I didn’t expect a gift from people declining but I thought it was a little odd that some people simply sent in the RSVP card with the “No” checked, without saying so much as “Congratulations!” or “Sorry we can’t make it.”

      • Anonymous

        Not weird. You provided them with a response card, and they followed your instructions.

    • SC

      My feeling is that if you attend a wedding, you should buy a gift unless the couple specifically says not to. That said, a couple of times when I’ve spent thousands of dollars to travel to and be in weddings, I’ve let the gift slide. Usually what happens is that I don’t have the money at the time of the wedding, think I’ll do it later, forget, and then feel awkward when a lot of time has passed. A couple of times when I haven’t bought a wedding gift for close friends, I’ve sent a nice gift or wedding-present-amount-of-cash on a first anniversary or when the couple buys a house or some other significant event, with a card for both events.

      If you decline an invitation, you definitely don’t have to buy a gift. But I try to buy gifts for weddings that I would have liked to attend but couldn’t because of timing or finances or whatever. Since I’m not spending thousands of dollars to be there, it’s usually much easier for me to just go buy a gift I can afford.

      Also, it is expensive. DH and I buy gifts for weddings, babies, graduations, and holidays. But in our group of family and friends, it’s totally reciprocal. We received a lot of wedding gifts when we got married. And last year, we had a baby, and I still have purchased shockingly little for him other than formula, diapers, and food, and I still have a couple of gift cards to use. And I like gifting (or writing checks) and feeling like I’m helping someone set up his dorm room or first apartment or helping a couple establish their household or go on a much-needed vacation or prepare for a baby. And I like walking around my house and seeing and using things that loved ones gave us and thinking about them.

    • Anonymous

      I admit I was surprised when some people didn’t give us a gift for our wedding, but then I remembered that I’d said somewhere on the wedding website “we want your presence, not your presents!” And I absolutely meant it — so I got over it pretty quickly, particularly because (as most women who’ve registered) after a year or so you NEVER use half the stuff for which you registered… so who cares if they got it for you?

      Don’t let it ruin your friendships with people — don’t hold them up to whatever weird standard you adhere to regarding the etiquette of weddings.

      • Serafina

        Why would you be surprised at all that people didn’t give you gifts when you told them not to?

  3. Monstah Jam

    Has anyone been to Monster Jam (the monster truck show)? I just bought 2 tickets in the 4th row. Are we going to get muddy? I plan to bring earplugs. What else should I know? What to wear?

    • BeenThatGuy

      No, you won’t get muddy at all. It’s very loud so make sure everyone has earplugs. Assuming it’s the winter one, and it’s inside, the fumes can be pretty bad, if you are sensitive to that type of thing (I am). The kids will love it so enjoy! Go Graverdigger haha!

      • Monstah Jam

        Thank you! I was prepared for a little snark, haha but I’ve always wanted to go since I was little. My family would NEVER so I have to ask around :) That was helpful. I’m really excited :)

    • Anon

      I went a couple years ago with my husband (he loves it) and a couple friends. It was loud, but I didn’t bring ear plugs and was fine. Also, as mentioned, pretty smoky/fumey. You won’t get dirty, but I remember it being pretty cold (may have just been my venue). I wore jeans, boots, and a decent top, but a sweatshirt/tshirt would be fine too.

      • Idea

        Yeah, the smell! Maybe bring something good to smell just to refresh your nose.
        Sounds like fun!

        • Monstah Jam

          Thanks all! Absurd and fun is what I’m after. I will bring scarves for our noses. :)

  4. Blue ink pens

    I think it’s better to come sans gift.

    And I’ll double down and say that when a guest isn’t in a position to buy something from the registry, I think it’s better to come sans gift than recycle some old gift. I know that probably sounds bratty, but I really don’t mean it that way. We got SO MUCH STUFF when we got married, and it was surprisingly overwhelming. Even though we had moderately priced items on the registry, I get it that some people don’t have lots of disposable income, and nobody wants to give two spatulas, or one towel, as a gift. So I understand why some of the things we got were off-registry and probably recycled, but we’re given with love. And I love those guests. But I don’t want a random teapot that I don’t like, or a vase that doesn’t fit with our style. And I feel bad about giving away things that were wedding gifts.

    So yeah, I would rather you just come celebrate, empty-handed.

    • Cb

      I agree. Or something consumable? Someone got us big bar of chocolate with a note with their wishes for our marriage ‘to always be as sweet as this’.

    • Anonymous

      It’s better actually to accept gifts graciously. People are not required to use your registry.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t feel obligated to keep stuff you don’t like for the next 50 years just because someone gave it to you for your wedding. A wedding doesn’t precious-ize everything. I mean, I can see how it could be tricky if your mom gave you some expensive decoration you don’t like. But a random teapot or vase, just donate and don’t worry about it. Fifteen-plus years post-wedding, I cannot remember what came from whom unless I pull out the list in the wedding memorabilia (happens never), and plenty wedding gifts have died/worn out.

    • Anonymous

      Why would you assume off-registry stuff is recycled? We got a fair amount of off-registry stuff and it didn’t correlate at all with the poorer guests. I never assumed it was recycled (and I know in some cases it wasn’t). I just figured people wanted to express their own taste or didn’t shop online (older folks) and didn’t have in-person access to the stores where we registered.

  5. another wedding question

    This is a super weird one, and I’m not sure how to get into it without too much detail (just for TLDR and time’s sake), but I have friends (S and J) who got married privately in a civil ceremony early last year. Gay marriage had just been OK’d in our state and they wanted to make it official. Soon after that, they adopted a child, and I got them a pretty nice baby gift – since they hadn’t done anything for the wedding, it seemed like that was a nice acknowledgment in general of their new family.

    Fast forward a few months, and I got a weird Paperless Post invitation to a “Secret Wedding” that some friends of S and J’s, who I don’t know, were planning for them. A) I hated the idea and kind of thought S and J would hate it too and B) they wanted everyone to pay $50 each to attend, and it would be hors d’eourves and a cash bar. So I declined. Afterwards, I reached out to S (know him better than his husband, who I only met through S when they started dating) and congratulated him again and said I hoped the wedding went well. He seemed a bit dazed and overwhelmed – not sure he loved it. Anyway, wasn’t really my business.

    But I have been wondering if I should send a wedding present. On the one hand, we used to be very close. On the other hand, we haven’t been as close for the last 6 or 8 years. They ACTUALLY got married a while ago, and didn’t want gifts…they had a baby and I gave a gift then. Also, I just got married, and S wrote me a check for a gift, which was very kind, of course, but now I feel weird if I just send them a check…like some weird money exchange. I thought about sending a basket of food or something, but then I thought, does that look cheap, since they gave us the traditional check at our wedding?

    I am sure I’m over thinking this, but I don’t want to be cheap or a bad friend, but I also feel really weird about giving a gift for a wedding they didn’t technically plan. Would love to hear the hive’s thoughts.

    Also, SECRET WEDDING is like the worst idea ever imho.

    • Anonymous

      Just move on. They’ve been married for ages, you weren’t invited, that secret wedding was just a horribly awkward surprise party.

    • Anonymous

      I would send them a nice note and flowers on their first anniversary. I think that’s sufficient and would be appreciated.

      • another wedding question

        Oh I love the flower idea – I’m going to do that! To be clear, no one was invited to their actual wedding (even their parents weren’t there), so this was the “real” one (parents flew in from New Mexico and Vermont)…but yeah. I like the flowers on their actual anniversary idea!

      • Scarlett

        This is really sweet – I eloped and was shocked when people gave us gifts after, and also felt a bit guilty since we didn’t have a party or anything. I would be thrilled if someone remembered the date and sent flowers, and I’m going to steal this idea too.

  6. Maud

    Shopping help request –

    I am looking for a medium size cross body bag that is ideally less than $150 and hopefully less than $100.

    I would like it to be red and it needs to be able to fit two phones (in bulky otterbox cases), a slim man’s style wallet, a few pens, lipstick, and a small hairbrush. I’d love for it to fit a small moleskin notebook too but that’s not a deal breaker. I am not wedded to maker, material, color of hardware, or if it has handles too.

    I really like the michael kors jet setter below but it’s more than i’d like to spend.

    I also tried the jcrew bennet but it’s too small for my items.

    Any ideas? Thanks!

  7. Cimorene

    I would love to hear from anyone with a good system for managing open files — Word, pdf, Excel, etc. In a typical day I am working on 4-5 different cases, and I will suddenly find that I have 25 Word documents and 40 pdfs open. Then if something crashes it is such a pain to get everything re-saved properly with the network document management system, etc. Or it takes me forever to get to the right file. Do I just need to be better at closing something as soon as I’m done with it? I’ll usually need to re-open it later though. Ugh, I know this is a small thing but I am hoping I’m missing some secret way to make this easier.

    • Cream Tea

      I work on anywhere from 3-15 files every day and the only way I can make it work without going completely nuts (or having to deal with closing/saving 50 open things at the end of the day) is by saving and closing things as I go, otherwise I get panicked with a billion things open (or worse, reference the wrong file when speaking with someone). It doesn’t take long to save and close then re-open later (and you’re less likely to lose work). Also helps with docketing my time, if I move on to something else I take down my time and add more later if I come back to it.

    • Diana Barry

      Save save save. I always have a ton of things open too and they will often crash (stupid IT not enough bandwidth!) so I just save everything every 2 minutes and then don’t worry so much if it crashes. I do notice that our pdf program (NOT adobe for some reason) makes everything crash more often, so I close out of multiple pdfs as soon as I can.

      Also, it is always easier to close out of individual documents rather than trying to close the program (esp. Word) and all the documents in it, because then you have to save before closing and that is also likely to make it crash.

      • moss

        as a former IT person, trust me when I say the bandwidth issue is not because we’re stupid. We want more bandwidth too. But who is going to pay for the network upgrade? Management thinks that because they’re getting their emails it’s enough.

        • Dulcinea

          Haha we have the opposite problem where I work because our Main IT person is a hall monitor type who had made it clear she resents the fact that anyone spends anytime on the internet doing anything but work. So people complain about the slowness of the network ( all of our stuff is cloud based), IT says “user behavior!!!” , management says “buy more bandwidth!” And IT says, wellll but user behavior! It’s extra complicated because I work at a nonprofit and we share certain tech services with other nonprofits and apparently that includes bandwidth budget??

          • Anonymous

            Yep, this is the case in my office too. We had a phenomenal IT person at my old office and I appreciated him at the time, but I appreciate him so much more now that I see what the other side is like.

          • moss

            Your IT person sounds like a cluck. She could block websites if that’s what she’s really worried about.

    • late to respond

      Use one note for drafts until you need to put stuff into final format? It saves automatically on a frequent basis, and the tabs are wonderful.

  8. Golden Globe snacks?

    Tried to post this yesterday, but it didn’t go through.

    Any ideas for hearty, easy appetizers for a casual Golden Globes viewing with 5-6 friends? Totally low-key and casual. I’m ordering pizzas and getting lots of wine, but I want to have some good snacks.

    • LAnon

      Do you have a slow cooker? I have gotten great reviews recently for buffalo chicken meatballs – basically chicken meatballs cooked in buffalo sauce and drizzled with blue cheese dressing. You can find recipes on Pinterest.

      • Veronica Mars

        Another twist on this: Buffalo chicken dip is DELICIOUS and super easy to make, especially if you have a crockpot. The recipe is everywhere and the only suggestion I’d make is to use boiled chicken breasts instead of canned chicken. It’s delicious.

    • NOLA

      Since the people actually attending the Golden Globes are drinking, I think bubbly or c*cktails are very important! My neighbors do an Oscar party with a red carpet and a score card. It’s pretty cute but way more than I would do. As for snacks, I would do various veggies and hummus, tortilla chips and guac, and something sweet (cookies and ice cream?). Sounds like fun!

  9. Wicked Evil Cramps

    I had awful (back-to-abdomen-to-thigh) cramps as a child and spent a lot of my 20s and early 30s on the pill. I have had two children and the unmedicated labor was better if only b/c it was not 5 days/month and there were gaps b/w the contractions. 5 years after the last one, the craps are as awful as they’ve ever been. I thought they were supposed to get better after having children (and that those powerful contractions might be a sign that labor would be easy or short (it was neither)). Is there no light at the end of the tunnel? Women in my family seem to hit menopause in their 50s. Ugh. There is not enough Advil in this world for me sometimes . . .

    • Anonymous

      Mirena? I had no periods after insertion, although the insertion was semi painful. I know others have had different experiences.

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried taking the pill continously so you don’t get a period at all?

      • Wicked Evil Cramps

        I did, but I had breakthough bleading and cramps then, too. And I’m 35+, so I don’t want to be on the pill again. And every story with an IUD seems to involve sometimes horrible cramping (and I definitely don’t want a hormonal one due to the same concerns with the pill).

        I really liked being pregnant due not having periods (and I didn’t get mine back for a long time after #2, so didn’t have a period for something like 9 months of being pregnant and 15 months after that due to nursing and probably being older (40)).

        • Anonymous

          No, most IUD stories involve bad cramping on the day of insertion, and then nothing.

          • Anonymous

            I get horrible, horrible cramps about a week before my period ever since I got a Paraguard IUD a couple of years ago. This is apparently not unusual. Mirenas are supposed to help with cramps, paraguard makes them worse (I didn’t have cramps before)

          • Baconpancakes

            I also had debilitating cramping and heavy, 5 full days of bleeding whenever I wasn’t on the pill. My Mirena IUD insertion had me crying out in pain and clutching the table, and then doubling over in pain occasionally for the next three months with cramps, but 3 months of cramping for 4 years, 9 months of pain and bleeding-free living was 100% worth it.

            After those three months, I’ve gone to a tiny amount of spotting for one day and an occasional twinge that makes me go, “What? Oh, I guess it has been a month.” No painkillers necessary.

            The Mirena is hormonal, but I don’t feel hormonally medicated like I did on the pill, even the light-dose pill. I just feel like me. I think this is because the hormones don’t really go much into your bloodstream at all, and because it’s directly on site, it’s a tiny amount anyway.

          • Coach Laura

            My experience with Mirena is terrible cramps first 2-3 days then five years no periods, no cramps. Might be worth a try.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

            Yeah, I love my Mirena IUD, but others do have different experiences. I haven’t had children, and I thought even the insertion wasn’t really painful, just felt like a sharp pinch. After 5-10 min, I couldn’t even tell it happened. And no periods and no cramps since.

          • Serafina

            I know everyone’s experiences vary – butI think the bad ones get talked about more, so here’s another anecdote of an easy Mirena insertion! It felt like a slightly-more-uncomfortable-than-normal pap smear. A day or two of cramping (nothing a heating pack and the fetal position couldn’t soothe) and mostly period-free since.

          • Cimorene

            Another happy Mirena person here. Felt a little sharp at insertion, maybe a few hours of light cramps, one very light period, and…..nothing for the last four-plus years. I will happily be getting another when my five years is up.

    • JJ

      Similar cramp sufferer here and, just like you, went back to horrible cramps after two kids. Mirena has been life changing for me. Insertion was a crampy day, but Advil beforehand helped with the actual insertion pain. Since then, I still get very light periods (it’s been 8 months now) but the cramping is gone.

      I know it’s different for everyone, but it’s been wonderful for me.

    • Anonymous

      I had a similar situation – I have a Mirena IUD. Insertion was painful, couple days of cramping, and mostly good. Just a tiny bit of spotting and the VERY OCCASSIONAL wicked cramp. Much better than before.

      Before this, I took seasonique and only got my period once or twice a year.

      • trefoil

        I love my Mirena! I’m similar too: painful insertion (this is my second and the dr let my partner come in for the installation, which helped to distract me from how much it hurt), crampy for a few days and now i get very occasional spotting and very rare cramps. I love it–i get migraines with auras so i’m not a good candidate for hormonal BCPs, and i love how low-maintenance it is. I also feel like it stabilizes my hormone levels enough that I’m less PMS-y than I am un-medicated.

    • mascot

      Another vote for Mirena. I’m over 35. Hormonal bcp after I had a kid just wasn’t working for me (horrible mood swings, made me kinda mean, etc). Mirena hasn’t had the same negative affects on my moods. Insertion wasn’t pleasant, but I felt completely fine in 24-26 hours. I still get some PMS (fatigue, b**b tenderness), but my actual cycle is a breeze (if it even shows up at all). Cramps are gone, flow is super light.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I had absolutely no cramps and only occasional, light spotting with Mirena.

    • Anon

      Have you evaluated if you have endometriosis? Apparently the average time to get a diagnosis is 10 years.

    • Anonymous

      Your story sounds like mine. My debilitating cramps came with nausea and vomiting that Advil and Aleve couldn’t touch. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. After years of trying everything and consulting multiple specialists, I ultimately had a total hysterectomy. My quality of life has improved one-thousandfold as a result and I am now pain-free.

  10. Anon

    What are your relationships like with your friends and their SOs/husbands? I have one friend who I always see with her SO, and another friend who’s been dating her SO for even longer and I’ve probably hung out with him for five minutes total over the years because it’s always just the two of us when we get together.

    With the first friend, I kind of miss our one-on-one friendship, but I don’t know how to say it because she seems to assume her husband is always invited. And with the second, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her SO better, but he seems pretty quiet and not into gatherings. He doesn’t even come when I invite them both to a party; only she does.

    • Anonymous

      First friend – can you do an activity that explicitly ‘just the girls’ – like go for pedicures? Rotate in one of these ‘just the girls’ activities every so often.

      Second friend – you may have to accept that the SO is an introvert. I would say to the friend that you’d like to get to know her SO better and if there is any activity he enjoys that you all could do together. Maybe he would be happier getting together at their place for dinner one evening?

      • LAnon

        +1 to asking the second friend about what her SO would like to do. My SO doesn’t really like any of the types of activities that I like to do with my friends – he will come along to important social events if I ask him to, but feel uncomfortable and usually is pretty quiet. Mostly he doesn’t come to casual social stuff with my friend group; he prefers not to and it’s more fun for me to not have to worry about him having a good time.

        If one of my friends said, “I’d really like to get to know your SO better, is there something the three (or four, if my friend had her own SO) could do together?”, I’d definitely be able to come up with something. Of course, keep in mind that it might not be something you would be particularly interested in; for my SO, it would probably be something like going hiking, or going out for dinner and a lecture.

        • Anonymous

          If he is open to dinner and a lecture, why couldn’t he do just the dinner part with your friends and listen to a podcast on the way home?

          • Anonymous

            I took it more as going to the lecture with a specific speaker that he’s interested to hear and then going to dinner to chat about the lecture afterwards?

          • Anonymous

            Right me too, but honestly that’s super high maintenance!! Like, make a effort to hang with your SOs friends even if it’s not the most interesting thing ever to you.

    • Anonymous

      It varies. Some I see together most of the time, some I mostly only see one. I think it’s fine to every now and again suggest getting together just the two of you!

    • Deep Thought

      My friends and I try to organize it so when we meet up for a weekend, we do all girls on Saturday and SOs can drop by on Sunday. My fiancé is the most important person in the world to me and I love every minute I spend with him, but he just gets that the atmosphere is different when he’s there.

      One of my friends does usually bring her boyfriend to the whole meet-up because they both live with their parents so the weekend is “their” time together. We just roll our eyes and try to keep them separated so they’re not having their own mini date.

    • DC Anon

      I know you didn’t ask for advice, but here’s my two cents. For the first friend, I’d just use the words “the two of us” when asking her to do something (e.g., “Would you be free next Tuesday for the two of us to grab drinks after work?”). I think it’s crazy strange for someone to just bring their SO to a one-on-one hangout without saying anything to you ahead of time. I’d definitely say something to my friend if that happened (“uhh hey I thought WE were getting drinks, not me third-wheeling you and SO”). If it’s just that she always asks to bring him, just be up front that you want some one-on-one catch-up time. And, even after all that, if she still insists on bringing SO, then it looks like she isn’t that interested anymore in maintaining a close friendship with you (which sucks and I’ve had happen, but it’s always ultimately for the best).

      For the second friend, I’d just let it go. The guy is probably just kind of antisocial and the way they do things works for them.

      As far as how things work in my own life, I see all of my close friends without SOs more than I see them with SOs, and it’s always understood that none of us would even ask to bring an SO to a one-on-one or specifically ladies’ outing (much less bring them without saying anything). It sort of splits into two categories from there– there’s the SOs I really enjoy hanging out with and the ones I don’t click with much. For the ones I like, my SO and I will have them over for dinner or invite them to stuff as a couple (and for the couples I REALLY like, I will happily third-wheel them from time to time, like inviting myself over to their place for dinner when my SO has other plans). For the ones I don’t like as much, I pretty much avoid hanging out with them as a couple, except in a larger group of people (like inviting them to a party).

  11. Help me budget

    Can anyone think of something similar to Columbia Gorge / Mt Hood / Fruit Loop with 3 hr drive of the Bay?

    Natural scenic beauty, a little bit of hiking, cute towns, plus touristy things tO do.

    Planning our annual parents + me vacation and trying to look at local places before committing to a long weekend that’s a flight away.

    • Anonymous

      you mean within a 3 hr drive of the Bay Area, California? Carmel/Monterey and Big Sur both meet those requirements very well.

    • Anonymous

      Monterey. Relatively cheap hotels, easy to get down to Big Sur for a days hiking, cute towns around.

      • Help me budget

        Great suggestion, they’ve been to both Monterey/Carmel/Big Sur. (My parents haven’t traveled much so we are hoping to have them go somewhere new everytime they go on vacation.)

        • Anonymous

          Mendocino County coast? Not as scenic as Big Sur, but still nice. Napa/Sonoma are also great although less hiking opportunities there (but certainly there’s outdoorsy stuff and definitely has cute towns and things to do).

          • MJ

            Tahoe is 4-5 hours with any kind of traffic in the Bay Area or Sacramento, most times.

      • Cimorene

        I….do not think Monterey has cheap hotels. Granted I’ve only stayed in hotels there when there’s a big event going on, but $250 for the equivalent of a Super 8 is not “cheap,” imo. I have actually stopped going the event I used to do there because I can’t stand getting gouged like that.

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t say this because it doesn’t exactly meet the “cute towns” requirement but if you can do without that, definitely go to Yosemite! Fantastic scenery and of course wonderful hiking opportunities. Do NOT go on a holiday weekend though – the crowds are worse than Disney.

    • Anonymous

      What about the Central California coast? You can see Hearst Castle, the elephant seals at San Simeon, the cute galleries in Cambria, and the old-fashioned beach towns of Avila and Pismo and Cayucos. Plus wine tasting.

  12. Tyme Flat Iron

    I keep seeing ads for this and it looks amazing. Does anyone here have actual experience with it? Interested to hear real stories, because it’s kinda pricey…

  14. HR transition

    I’ve been a manager for several years in a research based department in a very large high pressure firm but have always been interested in HR. I would also like a less stressful career if possible. Has anyone else successfully changed careers without a strictly HR background? I want to apply for positions in HR management and I am familiar with hiring, firing and counseling staff I just don’t have the software experience or other specific items that are generally wanted. I don’t want to start at the bottom again or go back to school. Is this a case of underestimating myself and not bothering to apply or am I right that I wouldn’t even be considered? I also don’t want to get in over my head.

    • Anonymous

      You’re going to need a background in HR to make the switch and you’ll probably have to start at the bottom. That said, you can help yourself get qualified faster by getting a SPHR certificate – check out the SHRM website for info and ideas. There’s a lot more to HR than just ending employment.

      • HR transition

        Good points – thank you. I feel so stuck right now in my niche field and was hoping that I could use my mgmt skills in another arena. I just don’t want to spend another 10 years working my way up again. I’ll look into the certificates but I think I need HR experience first for those too. Thank you!

  15. Pill at 35+?

    Thoughts on taking the pill at 35 and older? My doctor says it’s fine, but I keep hearing mixed messages in the media and in my circle of friends.

    For what it’s worth, I don’t smoke and never have. I absolutely love being on the pill and don’t really want to get off it. I have no problems, no breakthrough bleeding, and perfect skin.

    • Mrs. Jones

      My gyn won’t prescribe the pill after 40. I took it until age 38 (nonsmoker).

    • Scarlett

      I hope not! I’m in my 40s and still on it and love it (have been since I was 18). My doc has said its fine and I haven’t had any problems either. My concern is what comes next? I assume HRT in menopause but if anyone knows or can speak to this, I’d love antedata.

    • BB

      I’m like the poster above who used to have horrific cramps until I went on the pill in my late teens. I am inching closer to 35 and dreading the day I can no longer take the pill! I have absolutely no side effects from it.

    • No worries

      I’m in my early 40s and have been on continuous BC for most of my adult life – currently taking Amethyst which has a lower dose of hormones & comes 28/pack. I have migraines without aura, never smoked, no circulatory/stroke concerns – my dr. is fine with this. Like Mrs. Jones, continuous BC gives me great skin & no breakthrough bleeding. I suspect my migraines would be worse if I didn’t take it, so the slight risk of being 40+ is more than outweighed by the significant lifestyle improvements.

    • MU JD

      44 and still on the pill – been on it since I was 17 because of heavy bleeding. Actually wound up in the hospital for 3 days last year and had to have 2 blood transfusions because my new OB-GYN thought it best I go off the pill because I was over 40. I tried Mirena and had an awful experience with it. My newer-new GYN determined the potential risks of the pill over 40 were far overweighed by the risks of bleeding to death. Also a non-smoker (never smoked) and it generally good overall health.

    • Lobbyist

      I’m 46 andon the pill to prevent growth of ovarian cysts. I take it all the time (not the week off) for that. My obgyn said to do it till I hit menopause. I don’t smoke or have other risk factors.

    • Senior Attorney

      I took it through my late 40s, when I switched to the Mirena (which I loved). No problems at all, although the IUD was even better.

    • Aurora

      Just so my OB today and he said I can take the pill safely until menopause, with some slight precautions after 35. Depends on your doc, I guess!

  16. Gender Pay Gap

    Did anyone hear the latest Freakonomics podcast that was on this morning, “The True Story of the Gender Pay Gap”? Will link to the podcast and a transcript in a follow-up post. Basically, the speakers discuss how the current pay gap that is often cited (e.g. the 77 cents to the dollar) is not the result of overt discrimination against women but is the result of different career choices made by men and women within the same fields. For example, they discuss that an in-house counsel, who chooses to have more flexible hours will be paid less than the biglaw associate who has less flexibility and works more hours. They call this the cost of “temporal flexibility”. I’m sure many of us (myself included) have opted to work a more sensible schedule in exchange for less money, but this has resulted in an overall pay disparity among men and women in the legal field.

    Fixing this is much more difficult than just mandating equal pay for equal work. Some thoughts I had when listening to this, which they discuss, would be to encourage (and even force) men to participate more in the caregiving role – mandatory paternal leave, fixed working hours, mandatory overtime for extra hours worked. And, of course, to completely change the millions of years of societal expectation that men work and women stay home with the kids (easy enough, right? :) ) In my own relationship, and that of my parents, we’re trying our best to divide everything fairly and I personally am trying to get away from the idea that I am the default primary caregiver just because I happen to have the biological parts to carry the child. I believe that this is becoming more common with the current young working generation, but I wonder what society could do to push this along further. This is also more than just about women “leaning in”, unless the necessary corollary to that is the men have to “lean out”.

      • Anon

        I think it’s common knowledge that the pay gap is partially a result of women traditionally having made different career choices, choosing careers with lower pay. But there’s also a portion of the pay gap that can’t be accounted for in this way – among people with similar roles and experience, men generally make more than women.

        I’m not a huge fan of freaknomics in general – I think that the explanations offered are too simplistic to really explain what’s going on. It’s fun to read or listen to, for sure, but these are not particularly nuanced analyses.

        • Anonymous

          Actually, the analysis is VERY nuanced. But you are not an economist. The podcast tries to make the argument understandable for non-economists.

        • Marion

          Yes -from memory close to half the gap can’t be explained by external factors (different career choices/time off for caring)…..will try to find the article

      • Deep Thought

        I read this interesting article on the BBC yesterday. Sweden has introduced penalties if men don’t take the paternity leave offered and it’s radically changed how men think and act in caring for their children.

        http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-35225982

        We have 50 weeks of shared parental leave in the UK (37 paid), which parents can divide between them. But the cultural norm is still so strong that women are caregivers that they are still taking the bulk of this leave. I think we might need to introduce penalties too to make this change.

        • Anonymous

          Wasn’t this done more as a result of the birth rate decline and what that was doing to the workforce and the population generally?

    • Runner 5

      To be fair, they did address that the ‘choices’ that the pay gap is a result of aren’t always choices.

    • anon

      “the current pay gap that is often cited (e.g. the 77 cents to the dollar) is not the result of overt discrimination against women but is the result of different career choices made by men and women within the same fields”

      It rankles me so much when people who discuss/study this issue draw this conclusion and then sit back and say “Phew! looks like there’s no discrimination. It’s women’s own fault if they get paid less because Choices.” It rankles me because it completely ignores all of the factors you listed in your second paragraph. Choices aren’t made in a vacuum. I look at the four (4) male partners for whom I (only woman, only associate) work , and each of them has a partner with a much more flexible schedule/part time career taking care of their house and kids. I know we recently discussed this phenomena at length here. I think another less overt piece of this is the fact that biglaw/similar is just still such an old boy’s club. Women are on paper given the same opportunities, but when you’re not invited to network, to golf, when you can’t go get a drink with your boss after work because it “looks improper,” those opportunities can fade.

    • Anonymous

      This explanation for the gap, or at least part of it, has been around for a very long time. It’s actually really frustrating to me when the stat is thrown around as if it’s an overly simplistic fact that Johnny Cashier who started on 1/1/16 makes $10/hr and his twin sister with the same education and start date makes $7.70. It’s of course not that overt, and pretending it is ignores the larger societal issues that drive the “choices” each gender is making that affect pay.

      • Kanye East

        (1) Actually, sometimes it is that overt.

        (2) While the gendered “choice” is part of the issue, too often it’s used [by men] to end the conversation about pay disparity when it should be beginning a different conversation. So not to disagree with you (or pick on you), but you can understand why some of us find this “explanation” fatiguing.

        (3) Let’s not forget that $.77 is for white women. WOC face even bigger pay disparities.

        • Anonymous

          Fair enough on all points. I think we want the same outcome, so keep on fighting :)

        • Alana

          (4) Sometimes the same logic provided to justify a raise for a man, such as the fact that he has a family to take care of financially, is not applied to women.

        • Anonymous

          $.77 should never be used in any kind of argument as this does not include and meaningful controls.

    • bridget

      Why should those things be fixed?

      If women want jobs that they are being excluded from, that is a big problem. If they are being mommy tracked but want a power job, that is a problem. If they would become engineers but major in anthropology because of sexism, that is a problem.

      But let us be very clear that NOT LIVING THEIR LIVES the way you want them to is not a feminism issue.

      In fact, it just makes people roll their eyes.

  17. Anonymous

    The winter blues are hitting me hard! What are your fave ways to get out of the winter sads?

    • CountC

      I would say exercise, meditation, and eating right, but that’s been hard to do those things without the addition of an anti-depressant. FWIW, I have been on anti-depressants in the past, so went right back to one I knew would work for me.

      Some others I know have used a Happy Light and/or anti-anxiety meds.

    • Pesh

      Acupuncture! I was really down and couldn’t conjure up the motivation to do anything. After a few weeks, it’s helped me a lot and I was pleasantly surprised that it was covered by my insurance.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I get these so badly! I try to take scattered days off, and then plan projects for those days, so I have something to look forward to (I love tinkering with old furniture and messing around with minor home improvements, but am not all that good at it and typically I don’t get to it on a regular weekend). I’ll also plan a vacation to somewhere warm for sometime in March (March is usually when I’m at the end of my winter rope, and we’ve timed our last few vacations so that we left when it was freezing and returned a week later to the beginning of the thaw, so that was nice).

      Also, most recently, we adopted a dog, and he’s so into running around outside and going on walks and just generally being playful and funny and cute that he’s been a huge help to me – waking up in the dark and coming home in the dark (the part of winter I most hate) has become a whole lot less awful now that I’m doing it for my happy little guy.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Also seconding CountC’s “exercise, meditation, and eating right,” and adding adult coloring books – I’ve started coloring instead of playing stupid phone games while watching TV in the evenings, and it seems to be improving my mood/focus/etc. And, last thing – sleep! Real sleep, not “I’m ‘going to bed’ at ten and leaving Netflix running so that I’m intermittently waking up and catching random bits of episodes of shows I’ve seen a hundred times until midnight-ish when Netflix shuts itself off” sleep.

        • CountC

          Unless you are CountC and coloring makes you more anxious and frustrated because you are a crazy perfectionist about it! :)

    • espresso bean

      Morning workouts! It’s SO hard to get out of bed and get started, but they really do make the whole day better.

      Also, I try to give myself fun little indulgences to look forward to that are somewhat winter-specific… and sometimes I’ll bribe myself to work out with these indulgences. I’ll put a ton of books I want to read on hold at the library so I can pick them up over the weekend. I’ll tell myself I can get a new nail polish, fancy tea, or fun coffee drink. I make a list of new hearty recipes to try, especially soups and slow-cooker ones.

      It also helps to have fun stuff on the calendar, so I’ll invite a few small groups over for later in the month for drinks and appetizers or brunch.

    • lawsuited

      1. Remind myself that the shortest day of the year is behind me.
      2. Wear all the dark lip and nail colours and luminous foundations and cream highlighters that would melt right off my face in summer
      3. Remove all summer clothing from my closet and luxuriate in wearing my huge collection of sweaters. (I do not like the cold, but I love sweaters. Go figure.)
      4. Ibid for my collection of boots.
      5. Drink a hot chocolate once in a while. I feel sort of stupid ordering hot chocolate in August, but who could fault me for wanting a warm, delicious cup of hot chocolate in frigid January? No one.

    • Anonymous

      exercise really helps me. It gets my body super warm (which feels really good, since I am generally always miserable and cold during the winter). I also appreciate the endorphin release.
      Making sure to get sunshine when possible is really helpful too (even if it is a 10 minute bundled up walk in the middle of the day).
      seeing friends (making plans to get out of the house)
      wonderful winter beverages (i.e. cider, hot chocolate, teas, coffees) best when with friends
      reading (I love to read, so spending more time doing this makes me happy)
      occasionally cooking comfort foods (i.e. chili mac casserole, meatloaf, lots of soups)

    • Anonymous

      I got a SAD lamp this year and it has helped SO MUCH. It took a few weeks for me to start feeling the effects but now I swear by it. So easy to use/commit to — I just shine it for 15 minutes in my bathroom when I’m going through my morning routine.

      • anyanony

        +1 SAD lamp with makeup routine in the morning.

        Also, 5000IU of VitD3 daily.

  18. Newlyweds

    I’m looking for a little feedback about the first few months of marriage. I got married in the fall, and DH and I lived together for just two months before the wedding. (I relocated to his city.)

    I am still in the process of adjusting to being married, the new city, and the job. And it is hard!!! I really tried to focus more on the marriage than the wedding, and I think I’m pretty level-headed. But sometimes I just think, “how did I get here?” I know that it takes some time to adjust to all of this.

    Did anyone else experience this heavy adjustment a few months into marriage? It’s normal, right?

    • CountC

      I am not married, but am hoping to be at some point, so I have no advice on that front. However, I am curious about your adjustment period. Do you think it’s more of an adjustment to living in a new place, living together, and a new job versus adjustment to being married. What is different that you are having a hard time with that is specific to the relationship and not geographic changes? I am truly curious.

    • anony

      That sounds a lot like me. Honestly, it took me about 2 years to really enjoy being married even though I loved my spouse. I’m not saying I was miserable–I just regularly had thoughts of, “What have I gotten myself into?” and feeling trapped because all of a sudden I couldn’t run off into the sunset to get another degree, or whatever. Not that I would actually do that, but just not having the freedom to do it made me panic (unnecessarily). But I kept reminding myself that my husband was a good man and over time was able to appreciate him more. Sounds a little June Cleaver (who I am not, at all), but verbally appreciating him more and recognizing all the nice things he did/does for me, plus consciously deciding to do nice things for him, made my marriage 100% better. I needed to mature into the relationship a bit. You’re not alone.

      Therapy probably would have helped.

      • anony

        PS– should have also said I’m a pretty level-headed person too, so feeling “panicky” was way out of character, but we had also moved to a new city and I started a new job, we moved in together (for the first time), etc. Everything was new, even the relationship, really. Anyway I think you’re normal. Give it time unless your husband is actually doing something abusive/wrong/mean/etc., then rethink RIGHT NOW.

    • Anonymous

      Hmm, I’m not sure an honest answer here will be helpful to you – I didn’t have any adjustment issues at all, if anything we just felt closer and happier after officially getting married. But I’ve heard it can be hard, especially if you didn’t live together beforehand or combine your lives fully before – that could take some getting used to. In your case, it could more likely be other changes you describe – a new job and new city would shake me up. Maybe you’re just transferring that to your marriage?

    • anon

      I think a lot of people have lived with their SOs for more than a couple months so don’t experience that. Did you date for very long? I found the whole marriage thing anti-climactic in a lot of ways – we’d been together for 7 years and lived together for 2 so nothing changed.

      Now moving in with someone for the first time, totally get that. Sharing space, sharing chores, balancing introvert/extrovert… there was an adjustment! I’d try to think of it that way rather than work on a “marriage” if that makes sense. Look at apartment therapy for practical tips. I’ll try to post a link but I feel like they cover moving in together all the time. There’s also the combining of finances, which was something we did just at marriage, but having been roommates for so long made that easier.

    • cbackson

      Totally, totally normal. I didn’t live with my former husband before marriage, and suddenly we were living in a studio apartment together. I think that a few months in is when the “togetherness” aspect of marriage really starts to hit you – the fact that there’s another person whose thoughts, feelings, hopes, and plans have to be taken into account as you’re making decisions. It comes out in small ways and big.

      Marriage is a bit commitment, and it’s natural that there would be an adjustment. It’s seriously nothing to worry about.

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re adjusting to the new city and the new job and living together more than you’re adjusting to marriage. And it’s totally normal for all of those things (especially living together) to be a big adjustment.

    • Care

      3 years in – I’m definitely more settled in now, but I still sometimes feel weird about little things like that I have to “check” things with DH before they do them (not everything, but major things like trips to see friends). We hadn’t lived together, we moved to a new city, he started a new job, and I started grad school. It was overwhelming. Remember that people say each of those changes is a major life change and stressor and you did a whole bunch at once! Take some time for yourself (you don’t have to be together nonstop) and make an effort to make your own friends in the new city. Pretty soon you’ll feel more comfortable with everything and your marriage will be stronger for going through it.

    • lawsuited

      This is EXACTLY what happened to me. DH and I only lived together for 2 months (and in a new city) before we got married, our first year of marriage was so rough because we were not used to living together. 2 months was not nearly enough time to get our cleaning standards, budgeting standards, social calendars, work calendars, etc. aligned, so day-to-day life felt strained. I also think that the wedding planning process can be really bad for relationships, because for several months the focus of your relationship is planning a party rather than your day-to-day relationship. I thought seriously about getting divorced that year, and even discussed divorce with DH who thankfully suggested that we wait until the 1 year mark and re-evaluate then. We’ve been very happily married for 7 years now.

    • Newlyweds

      Thank you all! There is a lot on my plate, and I think it’s true that adjusting to a new city and new job (which I don’t like yet … New big law associate) have been really hard. And living together sometimes sets me off – like I usually get up a few hours before DH, so I’ve had to change my routine of having NPR on my clock radio. I miss waking up to that so much! I agree with suggestions that I should be more conscious of all the ways DH makes my life better.

      Thanks!

    • Anon.

      I think it is normal. DH and I had loud nasty arguments frequently our first year of marriage. We had lived together for about six months prior without that sort of thing happening. What we finally figured out was that yes, we were stressed by our change in status and its implications for both day to day living and also the future, and that also we had bought and moved into a house that was totally unsuitable for us as a couple. One of us likes the tv on all the time and the other likes peace and quiet to read, and a house that is essentially a footless open loft floor plan in a freestanding house is just a horrible fit for us. The nasty arguments and the omg I’m married stress eased away in time.

      • Anon.

        Annnnd, autocorrect has replaced doorless with footless. Who the h3ll programs autocorrect? I mean, I think the programmers sit around and think up ways to mess with iPhone users.

    • Betsy

      So normal, especially when you are dealing with a major move and job change at the same time. My husband and I were in similar circumstances, plus a period of unemployment, soon after our wedding and the first year of marriage was one of our worst. I had a lot of moments of “what have I done???”. Once we settled into all of the life changes everything got much, much better. There are definitely people who love every minute of their first year of marriage, but among my friend group I think we all struggled a bit the first year.

    • peppermint

      I’ve been married two months and I’m so glad to hear it’s not just me. Come to think of it, when my father re-married he and his wife were snipping at each other quite a bit the first Christmas, 6 months later. Both he and his wife and been widowed after 30-year-marriages, so they weren’t even beginners at the marriage thing.

  19. Another BC question

    I just had to take my IUD out (Paragard–loved it!) a little earlier than planned due to some bleeding issues. Everything’s fine, but DH and I aren’t TTC for another 6 months or so. I don’t want to go on the pill or get a Mirena for such a short period of time.

    Does anyone have recommendations for short-term BC, or do we stick with condoms?

    • Shayla

      I think condoms. If you know you’ll be TTC in 6 months I would go ahead and let your hormones even out on their own with out BC. Good luck and have fun!

    • Batgirl

      You may also want to read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and learn some natural family planning practices. Not foolproof, but you could probably cut down on some condom usage if you read the signs correctly (and if an accidental pregnancy isn’t the end of the world in case it doesn’t work).

      • CKB

        This. Similar thing happened to us so I started charting my cycles and it was nice not having to use condoms every time. And since we would be ttc soon we also decided it wouldn’t be a super big deal if an oops happened.

  20. Carrots

    Good thoughts/vibes please! I have a phone interview for a position that would relocate me to DC, which I’ve been work towards for the past few months! I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’m totally visualizing living in DC now and how awesome it’s going to be (and I know grass is greener idea, but it’s all right there!)

  21. Shayla

    Does anyone keep a work diary? I don’t bill time, so I don’t have that record. I’m finding it would be nice to have a record of what I’ve done generally, including a concise way to have my congratulatory bullet points for end of year reviews. If you do this, how do you execute it?

    • Seattle Freeze

      Not a work diary, but I do use Outlook folders extensively to archive my work – this includes a “Notes” folder where I copy/save emails complimenting or thanking me for work. At review time, I look back in those folders for specific projects to highlight/play up on my self-review, and in the Notes folder for specific praise. It works pretty well – I think my self review, for 3 different managers/areas of work, took <30 min. this year.

    • Wildkitten

      I do weekly reports and have a junior staff member compile them into an annual report. Otherwise I get to the end of the week/month/year and feel like I’ve done nothing. Making a list forces me to realize how much I do actually accomplish.

    • Anon

      I just keep a draft email in my draft folder with a running list of my accomplishments. Obviously, it’s not addressed to anybody; it’s just easy to access for me. Come annual review time, it IS hard to remember all the things you’ve done.

  22. TooLate

    I have been thinking alot about having a kid or kids lately. I have never been someone who was so interested in kids before, though I enjoy spending time with those of family and friends. But now it’s all I seem to think about. I turn 36 in about a week and I am so anxious about this. One issue is fertility, I have read quite abit on this but still I feel like there is no time. Also I am currently single, I know that I can still meet someone but suddenly I feel so sad and overwhelmed. I don’t want to put so much pressure on myself to meet and settle down with someone quickly just to have a kid. Dating can be hit or miss and I wouldn’t want to end up with someone who isn’t a good match, (prior to this I was in a relationship in which I felt very unhappy.) FWIW I wouldn’t mind not having biological kids if I don’t end up meeting someone in the next year or two. In mind the “worst” case scenario is just being able to have a child or kids in my life in some way especially as I get older. I’m not sure whether I am looking for advice or for commiseration, is there someone else who feels this way? Could this be hormonal…….what I mean is, does the body get to a point where biology prompts you that the clock is ticking? All around me friends are having babies and my younger brother is looking to get married soon. I come from a culture where it’s pretty uncommon for women not to have kids and be single at this age so I suppose that is weighing on me as well.

    • espresso bean

      I think this is totally normal at this age. A hard part about getting older is that what used to just be a natural flow: dating/marriage/kids — becomes so much bigger. Suddenly there’s a deadline on your fertility, so you have to somewhat separate the question of kids from the timing of meeting the right guy.

      I don’t really have any answers, but I think your feelings are valid and you should try to explore them with like-minded friends, family, or a therapist. If you’re okay with finding another way to have kids, that should take some of the pressure off! You’ll find a way to have them no matter what. I had a friend like this. She said if she didn’t meet someone by 40, she would adopt. She did end up meeting someone in her late 30s and had a kid shortly afterward, but she said it really helped her to have that plan in the back of her mind so everything wasn’t contingent on meeting the right guy at the right time. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      Are you anxious about having kids because you feel as if you don’t do it now you’ll never be able to do it, or because you truly want to be a mother (either now or in the future)? If you just feel like you don’t want to lose the chance, that’s totally normal and understandable but not a great reason to try to have a child. If you truly want to be a mother, start researching ways to do it on your own. I know a handful of women who have done that and although it’s difficult, they have found it to be very rewarding.

      • TooLate

        OP here: Honestly at this point I’m not sure. Yes I know that having a child just to not lose the chance is not a good idea. Maybe one factor is that I have been spending time with my cousins’ kids they are 13 and 10 and I enjoy it. But I am still trying to work through whether this is a sign I truly want to be a parent or that I just enjoy the company of kids. I have thought about having kids on my own and for me I realized that would probably mean adoption or fostering. For various reasons I don’t think I would want to go through a pregnancy alone i.e not in a committed relationship. I am sure however that I want to get married and the fact that I am yet to do so is frustrating.

    • Aurora

      Just an anecdote that may or may not be helpful to you, but my aunt adopted 3 kids (siblings, aged 6-12) locally form her state at the age of 50 and she is so happy with them, and I adore them more than I ever thought I would. I feel like she really did get to have it all – her freewheeling thirties in a band, traveling the country, having the jobs and husbands she wanted, and now having a stable, loving, family – she just did them one at a time instead of trying to “have it all” at once. I’m also at the point where I feel right now like I don’t want kids, but seeing her lets me know that, if I ever truly do have a change of heart at 40 or even 50, I can still do it.

      Alternatively, if bio kids are really important to you, consider freezing your eggs, you can try IVF (there’s a woman in my office who’s very happy to have had her son at 40) or a surrogate if those are financially feasible options for you.

      • Wow

        +1 to freezing your eggs. My friend was in a very similar boat — age 36 and single, and no near term prospects. She was also told that her chances of conceiving were minimal due to a variety of reasons. Well, she went through IVF and now has a healthy, beautiful 4 year old! Something to seriously consider. Adoption is wonderful and we are thinking of it ourselves, but if you want to give yourself the option of a bio child, freeze your eggs ASAP. There is a post on freezing eggs in the archives, do a search.

  23. Marie

    Romantic DC restaurants for two vegetarians?? It’s my birthday in a couple weeks and I’m deciding where I want to go for birthday dinner. I LOVE Rasika but I think it’s too late to get a reservation. I love love love thip khao but want to try something new. TIA!

    • rosie

      If you really want Rasika, I would look on open table and see if you can get something–don’t rule it out, especially if you’re open to an earlier or later reservation and being at either of their locations. Bombay Club is same restaurant group but easier to get a reservation. Zaytinya and Kapnos are other options, lots of veggie small plate options (I like Zaytinya better, but both are fun and tasty). I have heard great things about Thai X-ing but haven’t gotten there yet–it’s a multi-course prix fixe menu, and they have certain nights that are vegetarian.

    • rosie

      Also, what do you order at Thip Khao? I went once and thought it was good but not great, thinking I probably did not order right.

      • Marie

        At thip khao I’ve had the papaya salad from the jungle menu (warning: not for the faint of heart), mok paa (wrapped and steamed in a banana leaf with curry paste and dill), mieng viengchanh (diy lettuce wraps), laab (minced salad), and have tried my bf’s red curry which was also excellent. I’ve also heard really good things about ordering the fish off the invasive species menu. What did you have? I just love the flavor profile, similar to thai but a little less sweet. I think we’re going to do Thai Xing because they have a vegetarian night on sundays. Thanks!!

    • Veg-tastic

      It’s nothing like Rasika, but I’m partial to Equinox’s prix fixe vegan menus. So much yum!!

  24. Dem Fees

    Question for the Hive:

    I am currently half way through a federal clerkship. I am returning to the firm I was at prior to starting the clerkship at some TBD time, most likely in August. My licensing fees are due this month and the court does not pay for those, because I don’t *have* to be licensed to clerk. Would it be unreasonable to ask the firm if they will pay for my licensing fees now when I’ll only be with them for the last 4-5 months of the year?

    Fwiw, (1) the firm pays for all of the attorney’s licensing fees; and (2) I’m planning on negotiating a large pay raise when I go back and I don’t want to do anything now to jeopardize my chances. Not that I think asking would, I’m just throwing out some context. Thanks all!

    • Marie

      My firm paid for all my fees while I was clerking and co-clerks’ firms did the same. Just make sure your judge is cool with it.

    • lawsuited

      I think I’d contact your firm saying something generic like “I’ve received a notice that my licensing fees are due this month. Can you let me know the procedure for handling this?” And then see what the response is. Personally, I would be prepared to cover the other 7-8 months of fees in case your firm is only willing to pay your fees for the months you actually work there. I worked at a firm that usually paid licensing fees, but they paid a pro-rated amount if you started working part-way through the year.

    • rosie

      I would talk to your judge and look at ethics rules before approaching the firm at all.

      • Betty

        Former federal law clerk here: Talk to your judge. You may be constrained from taking any type of money from a law firm while you are employed by the federal courts, which could include having a law firm pay your dues.

    • Traditionalist

      Another former federal clerk. In this situation, I just went inactive on my license while clerking, then my firm paid when I came back and needed to be on active status. Does your state have this option? In any event, talk to your judge.

  25. SFedits

    Help from fellow fans of warm boots!
    I know these would be life changing, but anyone know of a less expensive version?
    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/blackstone-kl92-bootie-with-genuine-shearling-lining-women/4244157?cm_mmc=Google_Product_Ads_pla_online-_-datafeed-_-women%3Ashoes%3Aboots-_-5089149&amp%3Bcountry=US&amp%3Bcurrency=USD&mr%3AreferralID=4126eaf6-b55d-11e5-b82d-00505694526f&gclid=Cj0KEQiAtri0BRDLoaCF95e7o_sBEiQA_pgRQ8lMI9i9GKNSfpIOIwb2CBtgo3H22YPXcWg9HjN96ngaAkew8P8HAQ

  26. BC Question

    Since today seems to be birth control day… I’ve been on Yaz for probably 4-5 years now, and I’ve noticed over the last year that every time I skip the placebo pills and just go straight through to a second pack of active pills, I gain about 5 pounds. So I’ve gained probably 15-20 pounds over the last year, right about the time I skipped the placebos. (I’m 5’1 so this is a huge deal for me!)

    I have a doctor’s appointment in a month but I’m just wondering if I should stop the pill and use condoms? Or try another pill? I’d like to be armed with a better idea of what I want before I see him. Any ideas?

    Thanks,

    • Anon

      Skipping pills should not cause this much weight gain (or any really, since most hormonal weight gain is water weight). And Yaz is known NOT to cause weight gain. There might be something else going on with your body that happens to correlate with you skipping pills. I would definitely bring it up!

    • anony

      Wait, can you clarify why you skip the placebo pills? Is this a normal thing for people?

      • First Year Anon

        Yes- so you don’t get your period! Wonderful for garden parties and vacations

        • This.

          +1. Love Yaz. Been on it for 7 years and counting. No plans for bio-kid (will adopt). Haven’t had my period in about 6 years, and frankly never want to have it again. Yaz for life.

      • Anon

        FYI, it does NOT work for me. I get my period anyways, so in effect I’m burning through the active pills for no reason and will have to go back for a new prescription that much sooner. (And there’s very little that makes me crankier than having to go through all the hassle of a doctor’s appointment for a mere BC prescription. Go Oregon for allowing pharmacists to prescribe BC!)

    • Deep Thought

      I think if it is the pill, you should try a few more before giving up on it entirely. There are a lot of variations out there, and I know friends who’ve responded radically differently to different types until they found their perfect one.

    • APC

      Why are you (not in general, but specifically you) skipping the placebo pills? I.e., if it’s for vacation, are you sure it’s not vacation weight? If it’s to travel your sister’s wedding, are you sure it’s not rehearsal dinner/wedding/brunch weight? Etc. Occam’s razor….

  27. Anon

    Any active investors in this hive (personally – not traders by profession) – beyond just long term 401k/IRA savings? Just curious since there’s been a lot of personal finance discussion lately.

    How are you all feeling about the market?

    • Veronica Mars

      I’m just starting out in my career and so this is really the first time I can think about investing. I’m planning on investing in the VTSMX fund this week (waiting for the money to hit my account so I can make the purchase). I think this dip in the market is fantastic (for me personally, not for the global economy) and I’m glad that I’ve been able to pour some money into my Roth IRA/401k during these slumps (I added to my Roth IRA during the August slump). I know “timing the market” isn’t a good strategy, but slumps like these are a good kick in the pants for me to see if I can tighten my budget at all and invest more than my normal monthly contribution. I figure that I’m personally comfortable with the US market and if it fails long term, or we have increasing financial instability, I’m going to have much larger problems than the peanuts I’ve lost in investing!

  28. Randi

    I have a side gig, doing social media for a doctor. It started 3 years ago, when my long time doctor/friend, opened his own practice and the person he had doing it was horrible and I offered to do it for him because I knew I could do better. He said he’d have to pay me and I because we were friends knew that he was barely making it and said that I was doing it as a friend and when things changed, we could discuss it.

    Things changed and at the end of last year I became a 1099 employee.

    Here’s my problem. I’m also friendly with his wife. His wife handles traditional marketing for the office. The problem is I keep butting heads with her over social media things because she is clueless about nontraditional media. I have and continue to try to educate her.

    I think the problem is I need to present myself as more of an expert and I’m not sure how to do that.

    Here’s an example: I wanted to take a holiday photo of the staff, with winter accessories. Sent an email, letting her know about the idea and asking when would be a good time to do it. She responded that she’d take care of it at the holiday party (side note: I didn’t know about the holiday party, and wished she’d have kept it that way, because I wasn’t invited. And yes I’ve been invited before, even when I was unpaid, and I know that people with similar involvement were invited, I find it horribly tacky to mention it to someone who wasn’t invited).

    The picture I got was of the doctor with his CPA, and some other unidentified person, nothing that indicated that it was for the holiday.

    Another example of a problem I have is that she doesn’t understand how timely social media content needs to be, or what is and isn’t relevant, comes down to sometimes when the event a picture of takes place. She’ll often send me pictures of the staff attending different events, weeks later, with no caption and often, not even an indication of what the event was. And when I ask, I get it’s Doctor X, at a health fair. Got that, but it’s more relevant if I can say, “Check out Dr. X at the Y Health Fare taking place right now! “

    Lastly, she’s horrible to try to get ahold of. Plenty of times, she’ll say to call her, and I do and she’s not available. We even, when I went 1099, set up a weekly call time, and I sent her a meeting invite and she’s never been available. Worse, she made an in person appointment with me, I drove across town, and she wasn’t there. Then, she’ll blame ME for not being available.

    If you were me, what would you do in this situation to fix this dysfunctional relationship? And yes, I know I’m going to have to live with some of it but something needs to give here.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds to me like you are not friendly with the wife. Or at least, she is not friendly with you. Sounds like she is sabotaging you at every turn. Not inviting you to the party and then telling you about it? Standing you up for a meeting? Utterly disregarding your requests? Really? Passive-aggressive much?

      Sounds to me like she didn’t want you to be paid and she is making that known loud and clear.

      I suggest having a talk with the doc himself and seeing whether there is a way for you to do your job without going through the Mrs. Because honestly, I’m not seeing how this relationship can be saved.

    • Wildkitten

      Do you need the work? If you don’t need to work there, and they have money to hire someone, it might be worth it for you to bow out and suggest they hire a social media firm.

    • Idea

      It sounds like The Wife – is she an employee? Does she have a title? – does not understand or value social media.
      Is there a way you can demonstrate the value of the social media accounts and your work? I am not sure how this is done (I use social media um, socially, but not really for business) but can you show her that your work brought in these customers (or this # of customers) and they brought in this much money and they’re telling these people about it and you’re the hottest thing (their office is the hottest thing) since Hansel of Zoolander? Show your value, then she’ll have to back you up.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been down this road with clients. It’s hard to come back from. Especially given that she’s his wife, I’d say it’s time to say maybe you’re not going in that direction any more and move on.

      You could maybeeeeeeee try to go to the doctor but if you need to interface with the wife for your job, I don’t think it’s going to work.

    • CountC

      Honestly? I would gracefully bow out. I don’t see a good resolution to this that allows you and the doc to stay truly friendly and you to do the job you want to do.

    • Randi

      You all are right, just called her when she asked me to. She answered but I had to endure a weird conversation where she was also talking to someone in person.

      I’m not sure this is worth the hassle.

  29. Jazzhands

    Now that Christmas stuff is on sale, anyone have a recommendation for a decent looking artificial tree? I would love a Balsam Hill tree but $300 seems like a lot. Also worth it to get prelit?

    • mascot

      $300 isn’t bad. Pre-lit all the way. Get at least 100 lights per foot for best illumination.

    • lucy stone

      Get pre-lit! We have one from National Tree that I love. It’s pretty easy to fluff out so that it looks natural, and it has 9 different light functions so we can switch from white to colored or always on to twinkling with the touch of a button. I think I paid about $250 a few years ago for a 7′ tree.

    • Elbe

      Look for one at a garage sale or on Craig’s list. I would never pay 100s of dollars for a tree.

    • October

      Very late on this, but if you’re still checking, I know several people who had trouble with their not-very-old pre-lit trees this year (partial strands of lights going out) and it was a hassle to try to fix, try to buy new lights that match the existing style, etc. One even went out and bought a NOT pre-lit tree because of it.

  30. Defaulted Student Loan - It Happens

    Hey. I need advice. I’m skeptical about asking here after a lot of the financial-shaming I’ve seen this week. Believe me, I’m properly shamed – about a year ago, after many periods of unemployment and underemployment, I defaulted on a private student loan. Since then I worked with the third-party service provider/collecter or whatever they’re called. I’ve paid about $750/month for about a year (negotiated lower for when I had FMLA). Today I called the student loan that I defaulted on to tell them about my new Visa card (the one with the chip) in case they need to update their files. They do.

    The new balance is about $37k. BUT (AND)… they are always running deals – can you pay off the loan now, at 80%? Can you pay it off now, at 75%?

    The deal they are running now, is, swear to Gd, pay off the loan for 20% by 1/31.

    I’m thinking about it. Is it worth taking money out of my IRA to do it? Is it worth putting $7500 on a credit card and paying off with the same payments of $750/month in about 12 months? Is there another way we could make this work without borrowing the $7500 from a person we know and love? It’d be great. It’d be such a relief.

    What are the drawbacks/effects that I’m not seeing – it seems Too Good To Be True, except that the default is already on my credit score for, what, 7 years? What happens if I (they) write off 80% of the remaining balance? Is there another company that comes after me? Does anyone know or can point me in the right direction for actual factual advice or experience (reminder, please: be nice) Thank you.

    • Senior Attorney

      This is partly a math problem. You need to figure out how much interest you will pay if you put it on a credit card. You also need to figure out whether you are absolutely, positively, completely sure you will pay it off quickly if you refinance it to a credit card because the last thing you want is to have that balance hanging around at 20-plus-percent interest.

      You will almost certainly get a 1099 form for the amount of the forgiven debt, so you need to be prepared to pay taxes on that amount. So that increases the total amount you end up paying to 7,500 plus whatever your tax rate is times the amount forgiven. That might be a dealbreaker right there. (https://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc431.html)

    • Wildkitten

      Make sure to get it in writing that they will not be putting negative information onto your credit report if you pay it off at 20%. Get everything in writing.

    • New Tampanian

      Also make sure the deal is NOT with the collector but the actual company you have the loan with. There are some very shady collectors out there and I’ve seen it happen to people in other circumstances. Before you make any payment ask them for a written offer that includes details about credit reporting and a full settlement and release. Only then should you make the payment.

      • DSL - IH

        Thanks!
        The only company I talk to now is the collector – their client is the loan company, but I don’t have this loan with that loan company anymore. When I pull up my account on the loan company’s site, it looks like this loan has been paid off , because it’s with the collecting company now. Does that make sense – is that how it should be?

        This collecting company is the one making the (verbal) offer. I will ask them for a written offer. Is “release” the industry term that I should be using for that 80% – it’s being written off, therefore I’m released?

    • Alana

      If I remember correctly, discharged debt is considered taxable income, so you would have to pay taxes on the debt you did not have to repay.

    • catinthehat

      Because I’m into this kind of thing…
      If you take the 20% payment out of your IRA there would be a 10% penalty, raising the total to $8.2k. For comparison, 12 payments of $750 comes to $9k so IRA withdrawal is probably the way to go.

      80% of your loan is $29.6k. If it’s taxed at a 27% rate (a very common marginal rate), you’d be paying a $8k in taxes on top of the $7.4k of the loan principal. Of course, this wouldn’t be due until April 2017, by which time you might save enough for it. (This presumes there are no penalties on your taxes. If you make estimated payments equal to or greater than 90% of your 2015 tax bill you should be fine.)

      In total, you’re looking at spending ~$17.2k in the next 15 months to discharge your loan. It sounds painful but if you can afford to do it I’d bit the bullet. Not sure what your interest rates are, but 5% would add ~$1850 to your loan each year, if unpaid.

      Needless to say, please check what I’ve written!

      • Dsl - ih

        Thanks! I didn’t know for sure what the IRA penalty was, if it’d be worth it, etc. Thanks for the numbers- it sets me up to ask the right questions. Thank you!

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