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This brand, Callista, is new to me, but it's right in that sweet spot of $450-$850, so I've just spent far too long looking at their bags. I really like them, although I do wish they had more images showing the bags on models. (Is anyone familiar with the brand?)
This khaki green shoulder bag is one of their bestsellers, and looks like a slightly elevated basic — there's something nice about a big hobo with a short shoulder strap, and the grained leather and tone-on-tone fasteners both look really sleek.
You can find the brand at Neiman Marcus and Bloomingdale's (as well as their own site); this particular bag is $595 at Neiman Marcus, but you'll also get a $125 gift card with the purchase. (You can find this exact bag in different colors as low as $351 at Bloomingdale's, though.)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anonymous
Is it accurate that Trump has no field offices and no ground game? I’m seeing that on Twitter but IDK that I’ve seen it verified anywhere else and Twitter isn’t necessarily accurate news anymore. I mean I’m fine with anything that keeps him out of the WH but why? What would be the strategy here? Especially given that Harris appears to have zillions of volunteers signing up to go door to door and all.
Anon
It wouldn’t surprise me – I think it’s hubris and complacency. They were expecting a landslide against Biden and not a competitive race. They have one rally this week and it’s in Montana, a state they’re going to win anyway. Not a winning strategy for the current race by any means.
anon
I don’t think it matters for his supporters whether the efforts are organized or not. I live in South Texas. People have been flying Trump 2024 flags for ages. They don’t care if there is a field office or organization.
Anon
Obviously it doesn’t matter for his supporters. What matters is courting independents and encouraging turnout among unlikely voters, neither of which his current strategy is set to achieve in comparison to Harris’s.
Anonymous
I mean obviously it doesn’t matter in south Texas. But wouldn’t it matter in actual swing states like Pa or Ga? And also in states that aren’t officially swing states but can go back and forth like Virginia?
anon
I think there’s something to this. They also see field offices as a jobs program for otherwise unemployable Democrats, so the idea of putting a lot of money into this is contrary to the whole libertarian side of their base.
Anon
Elections aren’t about your most hardcore supporters though — in order to win, he has to win independents and “soft” supporters (people who prefer him or his policies to the Democrats but aren’t hardcore MAGA) and he’s not doing that.
anon
I’m in the town in Montana that hosting Tr*mp tomorrow and lots of us here are dreading it.
Anonymous
I can’t find it now but I’ve seen statements (not from Trump or other recognizable elected Rs) but from conferences or the like that “they have a secret plan” and advising people “not to worry because the Dems don’t know everything we have planned.” I’m terrified what this is — I saw that they just voted in GA to make election denial easier and Mike Johnson’s response to Biden dropping out of the race was apparently that they wanted to litigate. I think they’re hoping to send the election to the courts, whcih god help us with this SCOTUS.
It cannot be close!!!!!!
Anonymous
They will fight it regardless. If it’s not close they will argue fraud because she couldn’t have won by that much. If it is close, they’ll argue it was stolen again. The only shocking outcome at this point is if Trump loses gracefully and accepts the result.
AgreAnon
They 100% will litigate everything, but they don’t have a good track record of winning in court. Marc Elias (not to be confused with Trump’s lawyer Jenna Ellis!) is a good twitter follow if you’re anxious abut it.
NYNY
My understanding is that the money coming in from donors is mostly going to pay DJT’s legal bills and judgements, so there’s not much left to pay for a ground game. The way a once-respectable political party has fallen for this grifter is shocking.
Anonymous
whaaaaat but he’s a billionaire, why can’t he pay his own legal bills
j/k i know he’s an asshat
Runcible Spoon
I would not surprise me if this is true, because supposedly, Trump doesn’t plan to win with votes, he plans to win by controlling whoever counts the votes. Insidious.
Anonymous
For any of you that frequent farmers market especially in the southeastern US, are there apples available yet? Any particular types? Obviously there are apples daily in the supermarket but at this point I’d rather not buy a lot of them from cold storage if new apples are rolling in soon.
New Here
I can’t speak to the farmers markets, but I grew up near apple growing country in Georgia. I feel like peak time for the orchards there starts picking up in mid/late September into October.
Anon
I’m in the mid south, but apples are DEFINITELY not ready here yet! We’re just getting figs, so I’d estimate apples are about a month away or so?
Anon
Scott’s Orchard in northern Alabama has two of their early apples in. They have Gala and Ginger Gold. I don’t know if they are set up at any farmers markets but you can buy straight from the orchard if it might be within driving distance of you. If you go, check the website to see current inventory. If you are driving far, call to double check availability.
Anon
I am in Michigan and fresh apples are an October thing, maybe September. However, farmers who use cold storage usually have certain varieties available year round.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever been to Greece in early fall or early spring – say October or March? DH and I are looking to do a trip out of the country and we tend to like to travel in cooler weather and when places aren’t incredibly crowded. But I guess with Greece we are wondering if a lot of the islands are kind of shut down for tourists when it isn’t the traditional summer season?
Cat
Of those two, definitely October. The ferry schedules may be more sporadic at that point, though, vs. late September, which is great. We visited the second week of Sept. and it was wonderful. Still busy, everything was open, waters as warm as they get, and not crazy crowded.
Anon
October will be better than March in Greece.
Anon
I was there in April and it was surprisingly chilly. Definitely too cold to swim. It was nice walking around weather (in a sweater) but we got a little caught off guard because we were expecting warmer weather. I’m sure it varies, but just so you know! It was also much quieter than in the summer (I’ve done both).
go for it
We went in mid-September and it was divine. Definitely great to swim wherever we went. Most places were active, only Santorini was over the top crowded from cruise ships!
Anonymous
March on the islands will be basically fully closed. Early October will be partially closed but still very doable and you’ll likely have great weather and be able to swim.
Anona
We’re booked to got to Santorini, Naxos, and Athens in mid-September. So I can’t tell you yet, but I’ll report back!!
A related question – does anyone have a specific tour guide recommendation for the acropolis? I know we can go to local guides . com, but would prefer someone with a personal recommendation.
Cat
FWIW, we found the Rick Steves audio guides for Athens to be great, and allowed us to go at our own pace.
Anona
Fair and we love Rick Steves, but we only have one day, so we’re hoping to book with someone who can help us skip lines, like what you find at the Vatican.
Cat
we went at the end of the day, about an hour before closing, and just walked right up to the booth and bought tickets – a skip the line ticket would have been a total waste of money!
Anon
I have been there several times in early October. It’s so nice – everything is open without the hassle of the crowds. I wish you a great vacation.
Anon
We went to Athens in Dec. Sunny and cool.
Escape from Chicago
Is there any place in driving distance from Chicago (several hours is ok) where I could go for an escapist solo break? Probably in September. I want beautiful scenery, comfort, and would be happy if amazing food or even better, if things like yoga nearby. I’m not really a Spa treatment girl. Willing to splurge.
I may just breakdown and fly somewhere, as I don’t things places like this exist near here.
Seattle Freeze
Maybe something in Michigan in the northern Lower Peninsula or in the Upper Peninsula?
Escape from Chicago
Suggestions?
Mathy
The span between Traverse City and Petoskey/Harbor Springs would fit the bill! I love Inn at Bay Harbor in Petoskey. There is a new boutique hotel right on the bay in Traverse City but the name escapes me right now. Check color timing – Tunnel of Trees is on my bucket list but I can never get up there in the right time.
Anon Midwest
Another vote for the Inn at Bay Harbor. I’ve been in late fall and it was still beautiful and definitely relaxing. They have wineries in the area too and Petoskey is a nice little town. What about Lake Geneva in WI? It won’t be ski season, but the resorts are relaxing…Or Charlevoix, WI is a very cute, waterfront, walkable town but I’ve only stopped to eat, not stay overnight.
Seattle Freeze
Sorry, don’t have personal recommendations since it’s been a very long time since I lived there, but searching for Upper Peninsula retreat or luxury spa turns up some compilations.
Anon
Mackinac Island in the fall can be lovely! Not sure about the yoga, but the scenery is incredbile
Anon
The Kohler spa up in Wisconsin is worth a look — even if you don’t do spa treatments, I think it would check your other boxes (offers yoga, for example).
Escape from Chicago
Thanks. Will check out.
Mathy
I responded on the comment about Michigan but have to chime in here too – The American Club would be an amazing spot for a solo spa vacation. The Carriage House has day spa privileges if I remember correctly, but the main building is gorgeous too. Phenomenal spa treatments (water-based, obviously!).
Anon
I just went there in April for a girls weekend. It was nice but the spa is the real highlight. Not sure I’d recommend it for someone who isn’t going to use the spa. It’s very expensive for what it is, and for me the money is mainly worth it for the spa experience. Note that yoga and stuff like that is not included, you pay extra for it. (I loved the resort though!)
Escape from Chicago
Thanks. I’ll check it out.
Anon
Some of the Kohler amenities are under construction right now. Make sure your trip is after everything reopens
Anon
Yes the whole spa is under construction now. It’s supposed to be fully reopened by October though. And even during renovations there are options for “express” treatments that are heavily discounted because you don’t get the full use of the spa. I’m the person who went there in April and even with the limited amenities, the spa was really nice and the treatments were outstanding (massage was the best I’ve had in the US).
Anon
Galena is a beautiful little historic town right on the Iowa border. It’s hilly and scenic, and has a bunch of sights – Ulysses S. Grant’s house is there. Eagle Ridge is a big resort there, and has a spa, which I’ve used only for a prenatal massage, which was delightful, but can’t comment on their other offerings. Plus a bunch of cute shops and restaurants.
Anon
I have wondered about Galena…. I’ve heard murmurings. Thanks for the rec.
Anonymous
I’m in the burbs. It’s a little far, but I’d do Sundara up at the Dells. Or since it sounds like you want something less spa like, I just spent a few days in Galena. The hills are pretty. I stayed in the Galena Territories. There’s a goat yoga place nearby that’s fun, some nice hiking, kayak rentals, cute shops and some good restaurants in the main street area. Territories has indoor and outdoor pools. I did a VRBO and brought my dog.
A
I very much enjoyed the Wisconsin Dells but maybe that’s too much activity for what you’re looking for?
Anon
I can’t stand the Dells – so tacky and touristy and I think it’s the exact opposite of what OP is looking for. I like the Michigan and Kohler ideas. Door County is also lovely.
Anon
The Hotel Washington on Washington island in door county Wisconsin. The drive up the coast is beautiful with many quaint towns. Then you take ferry to the island. The hotel is adorable and the attached restaurant is amazing! They have a yoga studio and you can rent bikes to check out the island. I’m sure it will be beautiful in September.
https://www.hotelwashingtonandstudio.com/
Anonymous
Madison is the obvious answer here. Enjoy!
Anon
I wouldn’t say Madison has beautiful scenery… it’s a cute college town but it sounds like she wants a more nature-y trip.
ABanon
After years of work from home, COVID lockdown, etc. I truly don’t care how I look anymore. I put my hair in a ponytail everyday, don’t wear makeup (even for vacation photos or date night), wear athletic wear or something appropriate but dated from my pre-COVID wardrobe. If there’s a photo, I lean in, smile for it, and move on with my life. I spend my extra free time working out or cooking (what’s more important than these health measures?) Part of me feels empowered that I have little to no getting ready time & I’m not self-conscious when out & about … I can focus on other more important things. Yet I know it’s important to be polished, my partner is looking more dapper than me, and I genuinely wonder if I’m missing something since I used to care deeply about presentation. Will I look back at this low-maintenance time as a mistake?
I think my bare minimum might be too stark … help me get back into the swing of things? I’m committed to a closet clean out. What else? And please remind me why it’s important?
As an aside, I’ve plans to get out more. What do I wear when meeting my husband and his colleagues in the city center after work? Do I wear business casual because they are even though I’m at home all day? Black pants and a blouse? Recommendations for a layering piece for nice restaurants — favorite non-casual sweater? TIA
Anon
I am embarking on a similar endeavor right now! What I’ve found: wear an SPF skin tint daily instead of sunscreen (I like the Ilia one), lip stain that I don’t have to reapply, light blush and mascara, and do a 5 minute blowout hair routine. For outfits, I wear jeans or trousers and a basic top with light jewelry.
For outings with DH and his friends, I would absolutely wear business casual and dress up to the level they are at. You’re a representation of him! Even if you were at home all day, you’re leaving the house to go out and meet them.
Anon
Oh. If anyone ever called me a representation of my husband I’d be seeing red.
Anon
Eh, it’s just the truth. Whenever I go to DH’s work events, there’s always some variation of “Your wife is so gorgeous and charming – I was amazed by her.” My husband is an wonderful and deeply good person, but shy and of an often discriminated-against ethnicity. I can tell it often boosts people’s sense of his social clout that he has a very charismatic/former-model wife. It’s unfortunate, but people have implicit biases like that.
Especially at work events or outings with your partner’s coworkers, I’d look presentable, but you do you.
Anon
It also goes both ways. I work in a corporate gig that does a lot of +1 events. My husband is a t-shirt and shorts guy but he knows that when he attends these events with me he needs to dress up, make pleasant conversation, etc. He definitely is a representation of me in that instance (and he’s fine with it).
Anon
Yes absolutely! It’s not a woman/man thing – it’s just a way of showing up for your partner and trying to make a good impression on their behalf.
anon
Well, that’s a humblebrag if I’ve ever read one! Good on you, seriously, but I also bristle at being seen as an extension of my husband.
anon
Doesn’t make it any less true, though. It’s part of being an adult, that we have to rise to the occasion.
Anon
Yep, exactly. And it’s mutually beneficial if you make a good impression on your husband’s colleagues and vice versa. OP, get some go-to outfits together, I’m partial to a great blazer as a way to take things up a notch. Do some basic hair maintenance, a cut and color and blow dry take you far and so does a lipstick.
Anon
Yes to 4:00 PM’s advice. If Rag & Bone happens to suit your style, wallet, and figure, I think they have some ordinary outfit elevating blazers and jackets.
Anon
I mean I take pride in looking nice and dressing for the occasion and knowing how to do so. I do it for me though, not to be a good representation of my partner.
A colleague has a husband who is a smacked @ss. I don’t hold him against her when he’s at work functions.
Anon
It’s great that you don’t. Unfortunately I know a lot of people (men, especially) who do take it into account when measuring someone up. I think there are a lot of subconscious judgments we can’t help but have – even if it’s ‘wow, she must be a saint for putting up with that guy,’ it’s still a judgment we’re casting.
Anon
I mean I’m certainly judging him, but it doesn’t cloud my judgement or impression of her.
Anonymous
Interesting. . . I would! I’d wonder what I’m missing that my colleague has such an idiot partner. I think it goes both ways.
Anon
I’d judge her, whether it be positive or negative. Even if it’s a passing thought, it would probably be either “She might have different values than me if she chose a guy who isn’t a nice person” or “she has low self-esteem to put up with someone who isn’t a nice person,” or “she must be an empathetic saint – but still have a lack of judgment.” I think it’s human – we’re constantly assessing even if it’s not conscious.
Anon
I’m not even a super empathetic person but my thought process is more “I wonder what she sees in him, I’m sure it’s something and you never know what a relationship is like behind closed doors! As long as they’re happy”
There’s plenty of people I know where I don’t “get” why they’re with their partners, but it doesn’t impact my life so I don’t dwell on it.
Of course if a friend’s partner was mean to her or didn’t treat her well that’s another problem, but if someone’s husband looks schlubby or harmlessly weird or has terrible taste or isn’t great at small talk or whatever? Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Anonymous
You represent each other to the world–it’s who you picked as being closest to you. I don’t think that’s offensive at all. That’s different than, say, saying you are something he possesses.
anon
Random thoughts- I think it’s great you have confidence in how you look done up and not done up. It’s healthy to take a breather.
I do think society as a whole is become more casual, so what was not presentable 50, 25 years ago is more presentable now.
A trip to Loft or J Crew or Nordstrom usually gets me up to trend pretty fast. Also, give the Bobbi Brown virtual makeup consult a try.
Anonymous
MAN right there with you. we just redecorated the powder room too so i didn’t even SEE myself on a regular basis except for my bathroom mirror in the morning.
Remember the why is hard for me also — I put makeup and underwires on if we’re going out or seeing people but on a daily basis I’m in hobo yoga teacher clothes (who may or may not have slept in her car last night).
Worried
+1 to makeup and underwires! I usually wear lipstick for sure, and I like the process of applying makeup, though I’ve simplified it and wear less than I used to. I still enjoy my dressing up clothes as much as I did pre Covid, but I don’t care as much as I used to. Part of me missing the past me who cared more!
Don’t get me wrong— I love cute things, and enjoyed picking out fun outfits for a recent vacation. However, when the weather on said vacation was colder than expected, I wore the same cold weather outfit on repeat ( I brought one warm weather outfit, and luckily, there was laundry). In the past, I would have been bummed out that so many photos were of me bundled up and not wearing the cute dress I brought! However, this actually felt freeing in a way, and letting go of past expectations helped too. Ii also lost weight during the Covid years and while I have replaced my clothes, I was more put together before when I had built up a cohesive style and wardrobe over a decade.
I’ve been trying to rebuild and there have been many duds along the way since the same things don’t look or ‘read’ the same on me. While I like my clothes, they are a strange mix of new items, some old favorites that I altered to fit, and so many placeholders waiting for replacements, which are hard to find at the same quality cost ratio. I am trying to reconcile the part of me pre Covid who care more and dressed up more in daily life, with the post Covid me who still enjoys this, yet doesn’t want to put in as much effort in the process!
Anon
I don’t think you need to do anything differently. Cutting out make-up saves you time, money, significant exposure to irritants and heavy metals, and hassle. If you don’t want to wear it, then don’t, and confidence is definitely the most attractive trait any person can have. You’re fine the way you are and it’s great you’re leaning in to photos and smiling. That says more about you than anything else.
Anon
I always say that I’m vain but low maintenance, so I like to look nice but I don’t like to spend too much time on it.
My skincare routine is 3-4 steps and takes literally one minute. In the morning I rinse my face (sometimes I cleanse it, sometimes I just wipe it with a wet washcloth), put on HA, eye cream, and SPF moisturizer. At night I wash my face in the shower, and use HA, eye cream, and moisturizer. Once or twice a week I do retinol. My retinol is from my Derm, everything else is e.l.f. brand.
It took years to get the right makeup routine for myself, but I’m thrilled with it. Most days I wear tinted serum, tubing mascara, tinted lip balm, brow gel, and blush (I’m very pale and need color). If I’m being fancy I might add more (highlighter, bolder lip, basic eyeshadow). Makeup takes about 2 minutes most days.
Some days I do my hair (blowout with Revlon styler or a few passes of a straightening brush), some days I leave it wavy, and some days I throw it up in a claw clip or pony. I just learned this tip for frizz – spray some hairspray on your hand and then smooth out the frizz. It’s life changing. I started doing balayage ($100 and one hour 3-4x a year) and it’s my favorite beauty thing I’ve ever done. I also bring a book and read while the color is setting which is nice.
Eyebrows are no maintenance for me – their shape is good on its own. If I see a stray hair (rare) I pluck it.
Nails: I love having my nails done, it makes me feel instantly polished. I do my nails at home, sometimes a color but usually just nail “concealer”. I love how gels look but don’t like the cost or time needed to get them done.
Clothing: some of my outfits are great, some not so much. I hate feeling schlubby, so it’s worth it for me to identify a handful of work and weekend outfits per season that I love. I supplement with easy outfits (shirt dresses for work, t shirt dresses for weekends). I really like fashion but don’t put much time or money into it. But, nothings better than a good outfit for my confidence.
Jewelry: I never change it. Keep my earrings in for months at a time.
I think the biggest bang for my buck is: wearing earrings, wearing lipstick, having my hair done, and having my nails done. I think earrings and lipstick are visibly (so for others / photos) bang for buck, nails are for making me feel polished, and balayage is both.
I spend a lot of time working out and being in nature. It took a long time, but I’m finally happy with my balance of doing bad@ss things and looking polished and feeling pretty. I love that I can crush a 5 mile trail run in the morning and then look like a knockout at night.
Anon
Oh, and for meeting up with your husband after work I’d do black pants or nice jeans and a fun top that’s nicer than a T shirt but maybe something more fun that bis cas. Ditto with shoes. Looks nice, but isn’t work attire.
anon
+1 on black pants. I highly recommend a belted wide leg pair (I found some on Amazon) that are easy to wear and wash. They’re pretty much as comfy as sweat pants but look so elegant. I got compliments every time I wear them, and you can pair them with all different kinds of tops. I got the most compliments when I pair with a black mock neck and bold earrings.
Anonymous
It’s not an either/or. You can care a bit more without going all the way to super concerned about looks/style. I get my hair cut and colored at the salon regularly, but I never do manicures. I do wear makeup but it’s lightweight routine with tinted moisturizer that contains sunscreen, concealer and mascara. Working out is also a must so I make time for that.
Figure 3-4 outfits at the start of each season that work for brunch or after work drinks or similar social events. Doesn’t have to be all new outfits but you can add some new pieces. That avoid the ‘what do I wear’ dilemma.
anonshmanon
Yeah, PO, I think you are overthinking this as some kind of value statement. You used to put more effort into appearance and makeup, now it’s less. That was right for you back then, and this is right for you now. Time will tell what other phases you are yet to experience. Whether you are all natural or totally primped doesn’t need to define you as a person.
For now, I would approach it as playful exploration – assuming you have the time and money, try a few products or get a few fun pieces that you enjoy wearing. I personally would like to lean more into glitter. I always find it delightful to see other people wearing it.
Anon
My compromise has been upping my skincare game so my skin basically looks good all the time, and wearing non-tinted sunscreen and lipstick. Sometimes brow gel. My hair is often up in a claw clip, but I usually take the time to dry it straight (every 2-3 days) so if I’m going somewhere I wear it down. It looks way better in pics down.
If I want to look slightly better I put on some BB cream, stick blush from ELF, and mascara. If I’m REALLY fancy then add concealer, a very light dusting of powder, a stick eyeshadow like Nude Beach by Bobbi Brown. Maybe an eyeliner – either a very thin, non-winged liquid liner, or a pencil liner. Upper lid only. But to be honest? Even wearing my hair down is fairly gussied up for me.
Anonymous
I don’t get the whole tinted SPF and lip balm approach. A swipe of lipstick takes the same amount of time and gives much better pay-off. A little foundation that evens out your skin will go a long way to looking put together. Even if you’re dressed in sweats, it elevates things quite a bit.
Anonymous
SPF prevents wrinkles which means you need less foundation.
Lipstick is fairly specific. In my social circles it reads either boomer or Sephora teen.
Anon
I like to think of my bare-faced + lipstick look as French. Let me live!
Signed,
Gen Xer
Tbh my lipstick is usually something glossy and not the whole matte + lip liner look. But it’s definitely a bit darker than my natural lip. I like a not-pink but rose sort of shade. I’m pale so that gives me plenty of contrast.
Anon
I think the difference is how it feels on your lips/face.
Anon
I think there might be a difference between low maintenance and not caring about your appearance, and not caring about how your appearance affects your social interactions. How you care about your appearance has so many components – self esteem (confident or trying too hard), socially-imposed norms, respect for your environment. There are many socially-imposed norms that can be good to throw away, for example the idea that women’s nails are ‘best’ when painted, if these norms don’t work for you. Grooming is different. For example, I see having groomed hair and nails in the workplace as the same standard as wearing office-appropriate clothing. I see looking groomed as a form of self respect but also respect for others, for example, if I am meeting friends for dinner I wouldn’t show up in the tank top I’ve cut out of an old t shirt that I wear all the time at home alone. Groomed is different than caring a lot about clothes. But having clean and well-fitting clothes is a form of showing up in the world with care for how you interact with others. If you live with a partner I think this is slightly different, but not massively different than being with others. I also don’t wear my old beat up tank top with my boyfriend, I wear a normal pajama t shirt and shorts or leggings. So I would ask yourself, how much is about ‘appearance’ and trying to look cute, and how much have you given up on being groomed? If it’s the later, I think it could be a symptom of general overwhelm or malaise in life.
NaoNao
IIRC there are a few scattered studies that show dressing “up” a bit for work does improve focus, but I think that’s like…leggings vs. actual pants, not just casual pull on trousers vs. wool slacks.
As to the importance outside of work, to me (and this is admittedly old-fashioned, and of course there’s exceptions!) dressing up and making an effort shows respect for the occasion, the event, and the people attending. It shows you care about making a good impression and you want to celebrate in a way, you want to demonstrate “I’m like you”–being the sole person in very casual clothes or undone hair/no makeup can be a subtle way of indicating “I’m rejecting your values” (which you may very well be!) –think of “hippies” back in the 60s with unbrushed hair and casual working-man clothes. They dressed that way to protest society’s norms.
For me personally, I like clothing and style and fashion and it’s a hobby/special interest. The most beautiful clothes and jewels and bags and shoes are like art to me. It can be fun, although there’s so many things that can make it hard, especially for women, for sure!
Going out after work I’d wear polished slacks and a cute blouse and I’d bring a soft slouchy/unstructured or statement blazer + some comfortable walkable yet polished flats. It’s dinner out, I’d treat it like that rather than “I must wear what I was actually wearing during my work day”.
Fave sweater: My scorching hot take is that sweaters don’t go over dresses or even blouses (they belong over knits or button front shirts) but I think this is a great case for a “Lady Jacket” type item, perhaps in a bold color or fun intarsia print.
I own the Essentiel Antwerp “Elite Leopard Intarsia Cardigan” and it’s well worth the “gulp!” price tag IMHO. It’s substantial yet comes off as minimalist and art-gallery cool and I think of leopard print as a neutral so it goes with just about everything. Essentiel makes *really cool* sweaters/pullovers/cardigans, I’d check there!
Anon
Help me think through a spat I had with my fiance. He has had a tough go of it for the last few weeks. First we both had COVID, then he had a muscle spasm in his back for a few days, and then most recently he had a gout flare up in his foot (he’s a slim 30 year old in great health, so I was surprised this could happen). His foot has been really swollen and painful for about a week now, and he’s been increasingly morose about not being able to leave the house or resume his daily life.
For both the muscle spasm and the foot, I tried my best to really take care of him. I grocery shopped, did his laundry, cleaned the apartment, picked up his prescriptions, ran any errand he needed, and provided company. I went away for a weekend to visit family and his neediness reached an all-time peak – on the day I was supposed to return, he was texting me every hour or two asking when I was coming back, saying that he needed me etc. When I finally got back, it turned out he’d had friends over that morning and then was in the middle of hanging out with another friend. It didn’t annoy me, but I did feel like I’d been worrying about him thinking he was alone when he actually had a lot of company.
The spat was that I came over after work to specifically pick up a prescription for him, and on the way made some joke saying “You’re so lazy!” affectionately about him not wanting to come down the apartment stairs to let me in (instead he threw the keys for me to catch to let myself in). It was said with love, but then when I came in he seemed withdrawn and eventually said that I “minimize his pain.” He didn’t say why he felt that way (and I didn’t connect it to the lazy comment), so I kind of reacted defensively. I listed all of the ways I’d taken care of him the past couple of weeks, including hunkering down with him to keep him company, and said that was a reflection of me taking his pain seriously. I also said that I wasn’t going to act like his minor injury was the worst thing that ever happened to anyone. He latched on to the use of the word ‘minor’ to highlight me minimizing his pain, but I countered that in my world, an ICU visit, surgery, or broken bone would be ‘major’ medical conditions, whereas a swollen/painful foot that will heal in a week is a minor condition. I explained that I felt like it would be disingenuous to pretend that I thought the issue was far more serious than I actually believed it to be, and I also didn’t feel like it would be healthy to buy-in to his version of reality that it’s the worst thing in the world. I said some variation of, “This is really painful and it sucks, and I totally hear that. But I don’t think it adds anything to the experience to catastrophize and lament over and over how awful it is.”
Part of the background is that his mother absolutely babied him, and I think it’s led him to feel that any inconvenience, discomfort, or pain is the end of the world (rather than a normal part of life). My attitude is more that most things will pass and I might as well accept what life throws at me. Both have negatives and positives (he’s way better at taking care of himself and is super nurturing to me, whereas I’d say I’m a little bit more resilient in times of crisis). But in this situation, I don’t want to contribute to what I feel is not a healthy way of coping with difficult moments by acting like I think things are a bigger deal than they actually are. Joking about it has been a way of lightheartedly bringing attention to the fact that he does sometimes create mountains out of molehills (which he fully sees and most of the times he likes the affectionate jokes). But the idea of needing to baby him the way his mom does or treating things as huge deals when I don’t think they are feels like an unreasonable ask.
Am I being unreasonable? How do you guys navigate differences in perspectives like this?
Anon
You’re right that both sides/approaches have pluses and minuses. It’s great he’s very nurturing (that’s a valuable trait) and he’s also experiencing the flip side of his own behavior now. In this specific scenario, I think you need to get more specific about your own boundaries and what you’re willing to do (or not). I wouldn’t respond to hourly texts while away with family if it were me – not unless they were “I’m at the ER now” and similar. I’d suggest something like this for a conversation:
“We have different ways of approaching injuries and setbacks. To me, a swollen foot is a minor problem, and I can see that to you, it feels bigger than that. I don’t think it means that your approach is right and mine is wrong or vice versa, but we’re not always going to be on the same page about it and I won’t be able to drop everything or handle all the chores every time something comes up. We need to find a solution together.”
Anon
OP here – This is a wonderful script and a very nuanced and empathetic answer. Thank you for your insight.
Escape from Chicago
Ok, this is a bit exhausting.
You do you, but if an otherwise healthy 30 year old man needs this much babying and hand-holding, I would take a step back and reassess how you want to live your life.
Nudibranch
Wow, me too! He sounds like a total man child. I did not/would not sign up for mothering a grown man.
Anonymous
Nobody is great in this scenario. Constant texting was excessive, your comment on laziness was rude and hurtful, his reaction wasn’t great and it seems like you resented taking care of him?
How come you don’t have a key to his place if you all are engaged?
Anon
I’m wondering why they don’t live together! OP, you should move in at least a few months before the wedding. I’m not saying this one situation is worth ending the engagement over. But I’m worried there’s a lot you don’t know about each other and you haven’t experienced enough challenging situations together.
Anonymous
Congratulations. You just helped me to complete my Corporette bingo card for the week.
Anonymous
How much time do you spend here that you have a bingo card?
Anon
You are not being unreasonable. At all. You are acting like an adult and treating him like an adult. Adults don’t freak out over minor injuries (and firmly agree with you that this is a minor injury) or over someone making a mild joke.
I was in a relationship like this. He also catastrophized things like a typo in an email. And like, look, I have anxiety, I get the catastrophization and have no judgment about that part. But I also am capable of hearing that I’m catastrophizing and trying to snap out of it. He was convinced that his view was 100% real and right and he was angry, sometimes scary angry, if anyone (me, coworker, parents, friends…) said “it’s not actually that big a deal”. And of course, he couldn’t ever tell me when what I was spiraling on wasn’t that big a deal (even kindly), which my current partner does and it’s a huge help for anxious me! Anyway, I couldn’t respect him by the end, and I left, and I’m so grateful I did.
Anon
(I think my relationship was worse than yours, since it sounds like your guy does usually have the ability to take a joke.)
Anon
Yeah, what you described sounds like next level – “scary angry” would be a massive red flag.
Anon
I mean, he didn’t start scary angry! It progressed over the course of years and only got scary right before we broke up. We just fundamentally were mismatched on what level of support/empathy vs what level of resilience are reasonable to expect in adult relationships, and that’s a big thing to be mismatched on in a long-term relationship.
Anon
Gout is one of the most painful conditions that the body can experience. I’m a physician, and I’ve seen people with gout flares that cause paralyzing pain. It’s not like a twisted ankle. The classic teaching is that with a gouty toe, even the weight of a bedsheet is excruciating and unbearable. Look in the reddit forum on gout to see how people describe their experiences. I can’t speak to the larger dynamic with your fiancé, but I would give him plenty of leeway on this one for a) being in extreme pain without knowing when it will subside, b) likely being exhausted from said pain, and c) the emotional impact that a new diagnosis can have, especially if he has always been healthy and fully functional. Depending on how his clinical course goes, he may also need to adjust his diet and take medications for the rest of his life.
Anonymous
No no no, we need to stop excusing men and expecting women to take the short end of the caretaking stick.
Anon
I absolutely think somebody in a lot of pain will be grumpy and probably a little mean, but a reasonable person should be able to recognize that and apologize later. It sounds like the fiancé thinks anything he says or does is justified and OP just has to put up with it.
Anonymous
Yes- you nailed it
Runcible Spoon
Yeah, nope, life is too long to walk on eggshells around a life companion.
Escape from Chicago
I always wondered why Gout…. which almost exclusively affects men….. is described as being so excruciating, while women’s pain with autoimmune inflammatory diseases is never described that way? Even when they have big, red swollen joints…… I really wonder.
We have migraine in my family. The two men in the family, who didn’t have migraines until adulthood, both have been to the ER for their headaches, and despite being healthy young men had immediate work-ups with spinal taps and more. The women suffer quietly, and would never imagine going to the emergency room. I think we know how they would be treated.
Anon
Plenty of women get gout and other crystal arthropathies.
https://www.arthritis.org/diseases/more-about/women-not-immune-to-gout
I completely agree that women’s pain is frequently overlooked and underestimated, but I don’t think that the answer to that problem is to diminish the very real and severe pain of gout.
Anon
It’s not a competition. You can believe that gout is painful even if women don’t commonly get it.
Anon
OP here – this is really helpful for me to know, thank you. I’d been assuming it was tendonitis, and was thinking the pain level was the same as sprained ankle. I had no idea gout was so much more excruciating.
Anon
I’m the physician who posted this. As I said above, I am not speaking to the dynamic with the fiancé, and I’m definitely not “excusing men and expecting women to take the short end of the caretaking stick.” I’m pointing out that a gout attack is not like a sprained ankle. On a pain level, it’s up there with sickle cell crisis, kidney stones, acute pancreatitis.
Anon
Oops, sorry OP, didn’t mean for this to pop up under your comment. It was directed at the commenter above who was projecting something onto my post that simply wasn’t there.
Anon
Come on… only acutely. Those are all treatment in the ER immediately and are not fare to make equivalent to gout. Gout has flares with meds over time to manage. Don’t go overboard.
Anon
I didn’t say that gout was life-threatening or that it requires urgent ER triage. I said that it was extraordinarily painful. Just because something isn’t life-threatening doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful.
Anon
Um, the “initial” flare of gout can last weeks and finding a med that works is not guaranteed. My husband has one of the highest pain tolerance levels I have ever seen. His gout attacks reduce him to a whimpering mess and begging me to turn the fan off because the air movement hurts enough to make him bite back screams of agony. He looks like I felt during childbirth. He has been able to control his gout by changing his diet, but there is no magic anti-gout pill that worked for him. So I think there is merit to OP being told she is minimizing this by calling it a minor injury. But I also think the fiancé is being immature and entitled, too.
Another Anon
It can also cause permanent joint deformity. So it may not even be temporary for him, he may have been wondering if he’d ever be able to do things like run around with any future children, etc. Personally I have an invisible disability and the grief I’ve gone through over accepting that my body will be broken forever has been very difficult for me. I know it seems dumb to you, it’s just gout or whatever, but these things can impact you for the rest of your life.
Anon
Oh no gout is very painful. My dad gets it from time to time (he is in shape with a good diet, so he also doesn’t know why). His really good friend (who he sees like once a year) was in town and their friends were going over to his brother’s house for dinner – where he could gave sat in a chair all night and not needed to move – and he skipped it he was in so much pain. That was a mild flare up for him.
Anon
As someone who has a different chronic pain condition, let me just add that it’s not even possible to fairly compare the pain of an injury that you know will heal to a condition you have to deal with for the rest of your life, especially if it’s one that people don’t always take seriously and make jokes about, as they do with gout and many other conditions that cause chronic pain. Being in pain constantly and never going if it’s going to go away or when it’s going to get worse or how you’re going to have to change your life to deal with it is a special kind of hell that’s really hard for young, healthy people to relate to. I think that’s one reason he might be reacting so badly to you not taking it seriously and calling him lazy. He already feels vulnerable about this and you’re hitting a sore spot for him. That doesn’t mean you need to do everything for him all the time, just recognize that there’s a real cost to ongoing symptoms that’s different than one-off events.
RR
I know gout is supposed to be really painful. But, so are a lot of things. I had a kidney stone a few months ago. Worst pain of my life, and I’ve had three kids and think of myself as someone with a high pain tolerance. I still wasn’t mean to my husband. And I was still able to joke with my husband–joking helps me cope. I’m not saying I didn’t also do a little bit of whining, but OP’s fiance sounds exhausting.
I also think OP should be a little less “buck up buttercup” about someone else’s pain. I love a joke, but I would have lost my ability to joke real quick had my husband given me a “you just need to buck up and remember that this could be a lot worse” speech while I was contemplating whether writing in pain on the bathroom floor would be a solid life choice.
RR
Meant this to be under the “gout is painful” doctor post above.
Anon
Meant this to be under the “gout is painful” doctor post above.
Anon
As someone whose spouse also has gout, it can be a lot for them to deal with. My spouse eats well, works out most days, and is relatively young and has been dealing with it for a decade. It’s chronic, can be debilitating, and I feel for him and for your fiancé. You may not choose to give your spouse a pass on some of the more obnoxious things, but please give as much grace as you can for the gout.
My spouse was not babied at all growing up, but as an adult relies heavily on kindness and warmth given by others. He gives it back in turn. I think some people don’t always appreciate this trait or the reciprocation required. You seem more invested in moderating your empathy to “reasonable” levels than in giving it freely to a man who is begging you for it and presumably someone you want to spend your life with.
Anon
My husband and I prize a warm household and think it is so valuable. When he had COVID, I made some extra effort to put nice dinners on a tray for him (nicer than our usual dinners…) and he thanked me profusely, said he felt “very loved,” and I found pictures of the tray arrangement on his camera roll later. It made a hard time easier on all sides.
That said, there’s warm and then there’s needy to an unhealthy degree. I’m not sure if OP’s fiance has crossed that line based on this one story, but it’s something to figure out.
Anon
OP here – this is 100% us too. We took care of each other and spent the weeks we were sick just saying how grateful we were for each other and showering each other with love. He has been nothing but grateful and extremely effusive with his love during this process, and I really haven’t minded taking care of him at all (I want him to be taken care of so I am glad I can do it). But I just felt criticized to hear that I was minimizing his pain from the jokes I’d made when my actions have shown so much care. He wasn’t angry – it seemed like more of a passing comment. But now I feel like maybe I ought to just not make jokes about the gout specifically, since our typical banter about him being a princess seems a bit misplaced here.
Anon
Totally – we joke in our house about “man colds” and it’s 100% good-natured/appreciated on both sides, but not for anything serious.
anonshmanon
I would take this topic to reflect together, on how you show appreciation and receive it. The good old love languages. Sexist baggage aside, you might discover that your BF could truly live without most of your acts of service that you thought perfectly expressed how much you cared, and instead saying words of affirmation (I know honey, this totally sucks, poor you, I hope you feel better soon) is what he needs. Of course ideally that conversation should go both ways, and you would both make an effort to use each other’s love language.
Anonymous
What about calling him lazy was a joke though? Where was the funny part. It wasn’t a joke it was just mean.
Anon
Thank you for letting me know how difficult gout can be – I had no idea. I’d clarify that in general throughout the health hiccups, I’d been extremely nurturing and empathetic and caring, and he in turn has been extremely grateful and affectionate and effusive in his thanks. My only gripe was just to be accused of minimizing his pain after weeks of doting on him and taking care of him and giving so much affection and care. When I said that, he clarified that he still totally recognized all the care and was so grateful for it, but that it was just the comment about him being lazy that hurt him. I guess I just feel like I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells or police my language when 99% of my actions show a deep care, but hearing about how difficult gout is to deal with, that now seems like a silly hill to die on. I can just not make jokes about it.
Anon
First, I see how/why you’re feeling frustrated and somewhat taken for granted. It sounds like you are doing a ton for him. From your comments, it sounds like he also takes care of you when you aren’t feeling well.
When things like this (see below) have happened, I try to remember everyone has a different pain tolerance and my partner has never been dismissive of my pain, so I shouldn’t be dismissive of his. Also, he does a lot for me when I’m unwell. I’ve found that sometimes I feel responsible for making him feel completely better when 1. That’s outside of my control and 2. He isn’t asking that of me and now try to take a step back when I notice these patterns. It’s worth having a conversation around expectations when you’re both well.
For what it’s worth, a few years ago, my partner went through something similar — just turned 30, very slender/good physical shape, healthy and had a severe gout flare up. And yes, to me it seemed like just a slightly red/swollen foot but since accepted those episodes were incredibly painful for him and that pain lasted far longer than just a week. Fortunately, he quickly went to a rheumatologist and made significant dietary changes – all vegan diet and no alcohol and religiously takes a daily med and doctor recommended supplements. Also, I scheduled things to do own my own since he couldn’t move around very much. Fortunately, he didn’t expect me to wait on him 24/7 and encouraged me to go out and have fun.
Josie P
FWIW, my DH only (1) cut out beer and high purine meats (scallops etc.) and (2) takes allopurinol and his gout is well under control. You don’t have to be vegan/no alcohol etc., the med does a LOT. He should be seeing a rheumatologist and getting meds like yesterday.
Anon
OP here – this is so helpful. Thank you so much <3
NYNY
If I’m playing relationship referee here, there are flags on both sides. He sounds needy in a way that a) likely won’t change, and b) will become even less charming over time. If this trait is a price of admission, ask yourself seriously if you are willing to pay it. But you were passive aggressive with your “joke,” and that’s not the right way to bring up an issue. It sounds like you were annoyed by his behavior over a few weeks – totally valid, he was being a pill – but instead of bringing it up directly, you insulted him and tried to pass it off as a joke. Not cool, and definitely not affectionate.
Anonymous
This. You are literally minimizing his pain and trying to pretend you’re not. No one covered themselves in glory here.
Anon
Agree.
Anonymous
You’re being completely reasonable, your boyfriend wants a mommy bang maids. I’m sure he would never inconvenience himself and do all the things you did for him.
Anon
+1000
Anom
I agree! Please GTFO Don’t be like me and marry this self-centered toddler. It only gets worse. His parting words (screamed at me) were, “and your cancer treatment was WAY WORSE FOR ME than you!” What the actual fuck.
Anon
He sounds really annoying.
Anonymous
Wow so you just really don’t like him huh? If you’re feeling overburdened it is actually on you to say “sorry can’t”. Instead of being adult about it, you just straight up called your boyfriend, who is in pain and struggling with limited mobility, lazy. Explain where the joke was exactly?
Anon
You do sound like you’re minimizing his pain, though. Telling him if it doesn’t rise to the ER level then it’s minor. I am well past 30s but I would have been very upset to be diagnosed with gout at any age, let alone that young. That’s a forever thing, it will keep coming back. So do your research. This is not fun for him.
The big thing that comes through in your post is contempt. That’s relationship-ending, regardless of which of you is “right.”
Anon
This isn’t about gout, it’s about how you relate to each other when things aren’t going perfectly. My husband and I have a dynamic where we each diffuse the tension that crops up from whatever is going wrong. I didn’t have that with prior partners and it brought a lot of stress into those relationships. He’s not wrong, you’re not wrong but your ways of interacting don’t sound good. I’m not a jump to the dump type, but I would take a step back and assess if this is how you want to interact forever when the chips are down. If I’d have known how easy it can be, I’d have dumped a lot of my exes a lot faster.
Lily
We’re spending a few days in London in December and I’d like to take our girls (who will be 3 and 6) to a Christmas panto. Is the Snowman one at the Peacock Theatre good? I’d love to take them to see the Robin Hood one, but it’s for ages 4+. TIA
Anon
I’m not familiar with these things specifically, but generally wouuld have no qualms taking a well-behaved 3 year old to a show that says 4+. It’s a guideline, it’s not like they ask for ID at the door. We started taking my daughter to Broadway shows recommended for 6 and up when she was 5 and she did great.
Lily
I hear you, I’m just a little nervous about doing it and being challenged as I don’t know how strict the London venues are. And we’re only there for a few days, so if we’re denied entry, it would be a huge bummer. You’re probably right though! It’s not like we’d have ID handy for a 4 year old. On the other hand, she’s very talkative so it’s entirely possible someone would ask her age and she’d go right ahead and yell “3!”
Anonymous
I think a show meant for the little ones, like the Snowman, is a much better Idea than trying to sneak in at a more advanced show. The age limits are partly about the show itself, which would go over a three year old’s head, but also about safety. She will not be able to evacuate on her on in an emergency.
The seats at the Palladium can be very steep, and she will not see above safety rails or peoples heads, and it might not be safe or allowed to use bolster seats everywhere. They don’t allow children to sit in your lap.She will be too small to see properly, which is likely to make her enjoy the show less. I’ve seen parents trying to build a tower of several bolster seat in theatres with better views than the Palladium, and the kids don’t stay in those seats.
As an adult you will have a boring time seeing the Snowman, but that’s the price of admission of going to a show with small kids. Going to a show, having ice cream from the stand and being exited about a new thing will work perfectly well.
Lily
Thank you! Very good to know about the Palladium. We’ll save it for a future London trip. Happy to see a kiddie show this time.
Anonymous
I’m sure they will love it! Look at seatplan and theatremonkey to find good information about the best seats for short people at the Peacock. IIRC the first few rows in the stalls is before the rake starts, so it’s a good idea to find something slightly further back. Because the Snowman has been on for several years, you’ll find information and seat pictures from this particular show.
Anon
I went and saw the movie “Kneecap” last night, and would hugely recommend to anyone who likes comedies and/or is interested in the climate of Belfast and Northern Ireland. Really heartwarming, funny, and gives a super vivid sense of what post-Troubles Belfast is like.
Escape from Chicago
Thanks for the rec.
I have also been searching for the movie Ghostlight, which I heard was very good.
anon
On a flight last week I watched the movie 9 to 5 for the first time. I found it eye opening, sort of a revenge drama turned real. I did not love how it portrayed violence against the boss but I also know that many bosses acted like the one in the movie. I sort of feel like we have traded 9-5 hours with chauvinistic bosses for longer work hours, less chauvinistic bosses… and no cafeteria lunch.
anon
I LOVE this movie. Have loved it since I saw it in the theater (totally inappropriate i was like 5 at the time) I remember wanting to rent it for a birthday party and my mom saying it wasn’t appropriate because i was probably 9. That said, it is a little depressing because the changes they made (part time, flexible hours) are still not par for the course anywhere i’ve worked.
Anonymous
Eat the rich
Anon
Omg it’s a movie, it’s not like it’s telling people to run out and kidnap their bosses.
anon
is anonynmous above just bored and wants to see if people take the bait for that ridiculous comment?
Senior Attorney
Ha! When this movie came out I was actually working as a secretary so it has a fond place in my heart. Interestingly, though, in hindsight those were GREAT JOBS compared to what’s available now. Yes, everybody was sexist AF but even as a college dropout, the pay was enough for me to have my own apartment in the nice part of Pasadena, plus we had benefits and vacation and sick leave.
AIMS
‘Revenge drama turned real?’ It’s a comedy.
Anon
Reposting as I got stuck in mod. Interview help please. I keep getting rejected from jobs I’m objectively qualified for. I’m applying for Sr Manager and Director level roles. I make it through recruiters without issues. I have gotten to final interview twice. Most of the time I’m rejected after the first interview (have had ~20 of those). With regard to the format, the recruiters are always on with me over the phone. The hiring manager interviews are always on video. None of these interviews are in person (that’s how things are in my industry, they don’t want to see you in person even if you’re in the same city). I have tried recording myself and things I have changed based on these are: talk slower, wait a second after the interviewer stops talking, ask more clarifying questions, smile less. Substantively, I have been happy with my answers although my delivery could be more direct and less detailed. My audio is crisp, no distractions, colored blouse with black jardigan as my video attire, glasses, subtle lip color. What additional techniques can I use to find further areas of improvement? What else should I consider?
JTM
What type of feedback have you gotten from the hiring managers or recruiters?
You mention that your delivery could be more direct and less detailed, so I’d start there – are you practicing common behavioral interview questions? Do you have good scenarios that you practice & wittle down to get to the key situation set up & what you did/would do to address it?
Anon
Yes, I have a really great library of STAR format stories that I refine every time I interview. When I listened to myself the first few times, I realized I was overly detailed in these and have sat down to rewrite them more to the point, and have practiced the shorter answers. I can definitely use more practice there – I’m naturally a detailed person who enjoys following process input-output webs so simplifying and separating does take an effort. If you have any additional tips on the content front I would love your take.
NYNY
It sounds like you’ve nailed your presentation, with the possible exception of trying to tighten up some answers. I’ll note that the roles you are trying for generally have a lot of competition, and frequently go to internal candidates or people with connections to the organization. Maybe the issue is not your interviewing presentation, but your networking?
Anon
Thanks! This is honestly what really stings: the last role I was rejected from was for a department I worked in previously, and have a good relationship with one of the decisionmakers. I asked for feedback and got something like “keep trying, this was just not the one for you”. This is generally what I get when I ask for feedback. I feel like I must have permanent spinach in my teeth, haha! I have a good reputation at my org, but maybe not enough “executive” and more “gets stuff done”. I feel like this might be part of the issue. I’m not sure how to cross this threshold. Any tips?
anon
Would you consider an executive coach?
Also, are their class distinctions? Sometimes there is classism at play.
Traveler
More general feedback than what to do in specific interviews, but when I was at this point in my career (“maybe not enough “executive” and more “gets stuff done”) I found the book “How Women Rise” to be invaluable.
Anon
Thank you for the rec! Just found it on Libby.
Vicky Austin
I have absolutely no idea – something similar is happening to my husband right now (like are you him?!), and I cannot explain it.
Anon
I am really sorry it’s happening to him! Please share if he figures it out! Good luck!
Anon
I’m going to assume these would be promotions for you and not lateral moves. If you’re trying to move up, especially at a company unfamiliar with you, you need to show that you’re already performing at that level and make it look to them like it’s a lateral move. It’s a little stretching, a little answering questions not with precision around what you’ve exactly done (ie the STAR approach) but instead give more strategic answers that demonstrate you can perform at a higher level. In other words, think of how your boss would answer the questions you’re getting and figure out how to say those things honestly. The STAR thing is really bad advice when you’re trying to move up because it holds you in place. For reference, I’m a SVP and have interviewed a bunch of up and coming managers and directors in my time and this is a common mistake. It’s not about what you can do, it’s about how you can think strategically, understand the organization’s goals and demonstrate how you can bring that all together in this role.
Anon
That’s very interesting and you may have hit the nail on the head here. It’s a lateral but I did not have to interview for either of my prior roles and I may be stuck in an outdated pattern. Do you have any resources to help with this approach? Is there a way to translate the STAR stories or better to start from scratch? I think I have a solid strategic outlook (for example, I got a lot of flack for pushing to staff for a new function that didn’t yet need FTEs and then praised for being ready for the avalanche of work that came through that pipeline shortly thereafter; I also reorged an entire service team into three separate focused service groups which improved SLAs and saved lots of payroll in the process) but I agree that I struggle to articulate it because the questions are generally backward looking and very one-note (i.e. give me an example of having managed a contract dispute successfully). I’d love a direction to work in. Thank you, this is very helpful!
anon
What would you pay? Our babysitter is 16, she is my sister in laws niece. We have 3 kids 8, 7 and 5, they can be a handful but she manages them well. She’s just the right amount of bossy with them. They adore her. She is excellent at getting the kids to take baths, she cooks simple meals (mac and cheese, pizza bagels, frozen veggies), does the dishes, does the kids laundry when she is at our house, does the hair for the girls, sometimes she plans activities- like one time she organized a scavenger hunt, another time she brought nail polish and did a spa party. She won’t tell us what to charge her, so we have been paying her $25/hr for date nights which she seemed to think was too high. Last week she pitched in and helped with the kids for 2 days on short notice because I got pulled into work. We paid her $300 for the 2 days which she seemed to think was insanely high and actually called because she thought it was a mistake. I feel like we are just shooting in the dark. What would you pay?
Anon
I was thinking $20/hour, so $25 seems reasonable too. I think sometimes with family adjacent clients, kids can be wary of taking too much.
FWIW, I was making $15-18/hour for one kid in 2017 in DC (side job of babysitting while in grad school – I was 23, with a background check (needed for my job), 10 years of babysitting experience, and CPR). I figure with inflation + her doing such a good job you’re on the right track pay wise.
One time my parents had a neighbor babysit me. My dad overpaid her (something like she was owed $35 and he just gave her two 20s). Her dad assumed my dad was paying her extra to groom her. It was a whole thing, when really my dad just couldn’t break a $20 (and it was a few extra bucks, not like he paid her $100 instead of $35). My mom had to get involved. She never babysat for us again, obviously.
Anon
Now that I think about it, that girl’s dad is still my parents’ neighbor (25 years later). He’s so far into the MAGA world, I’m not surprised he was always on high alert for “groomers” and traffickers.
Anon
I always think these guys who are so paranoid about “groomers” should probably have their own computers checked for CP. there must be a reason they’re so obsessed.
Anon
Oh, also. When I was thinking $20, I’ve since relocated to a L/MCOL area. I’m not in DC anymore.
But, all this to say keep paying her $25 and explain why you’re paying her this much – because she’s a rockstar!
Anon
I would keep paying her what you are! She sounds worth it!
Anon
Also I’d probably take a minute next time to explicitly tell her you’re paying her this much because you think she’s earning it and it’s not a mistake. It will be a good life lesson for her!
Anon
Yes, she sounds amazing.
Anon
This. It sounds like she’s a bit embarrassed because she thinks her giving her charity, so I’d take the time to explain that you’re not doing it because she’s a relative or you think she needs the money – it’s because she’s very good and it would cost you at least this much to find competent care outside the family.
Josie P
+1. She sounds amazing and it’s great that you know her worth! :)
Anon
Yes!!! Tell her she’s worth it!
Vicky Austin
Yes, absolutely! Scavenger hunts? Does the laundry? Does she have any siblings who need babysitting gigs??
Anonymous
I think you’re paying fairly and the niece is undervaluing her time. You might also want to have a conversation about this with her and tell her advocating for herself is an important life skill and to be careful because others would take advantage of her in a situation like this.
anonshmanon
yesss!
Anon
Exactly what I was going to say! This is a great way for her to learn her worth and not to undersell herself.
Anonymous
I’d probably do more like $20/hr but would have paid $25/hr if I needed to when my 3 kids were that age. Getting a great sitter for 3 kids is not easy.
If she’s saying it’s too high, I would also explain to her the reasons she deserves the pay (1) she does excellent work, (2) finding reliable and competent babysitters is not easy, (3) generally people pay more for watching 3 kids vs 1 kid, (4) she has been available on short notice.
It’s important for girls to know the value of their work and why it has value.
Anon
It’s so lovely that you’re paying her so well! Babysitters really vary by region, but for this I think I’d do $18-20 an hour.
Anon
And even though insist said $20 an hour, I agree with the above to tell her how valued she is & keep paying her what you’ve been doing!
Anon
$25 an hour for someone that good with three kids is fine.
Help her to understand that it’s okay for her to charge for doing great work. No shame on getting paid what you are worth.
Many people devalue women in the workplace, and people devalue the work done by teenagers all the time. Maybe she thinks it’s high because other people lowball her.
Anonnnn
Have a state court jury trial coming up in MA. What is everyone wearing to jury trials these days? This is my first trial. I am a midlevel associate and will be sitting second chair. Lead counsel is a man, as are all of the attorneys on the other side. I need 2 weeks’ worth of outfits. I have a navy pant suit, a black skirt suit, and a grey skirt suit. My go-to uniform for the office though is a sheath dress with an un-matching blazer that I only throw on to meet clients. Is a plain-colored sheath dress (say plum or teal) plus a neutral but not matching suit jacket (black or grey) ok for some of the days or should I be matching the dress to the blazer?
Anon
I’m in the SEUS. I would wear a suit on the first couple of days of trial and onthe last day of trial and on any day where I was taking a witness. I think a sheath and non-matching jacket are fine for some of the days. I would also wear a full suit during voir dire as well.
Anonymous
The non-matching dress outfit is totally fine, any day except openings probably, and especially if you wear it on a Friday/day when the jury is deliberating, etc.
Josie P
Is it superior or some other kind of court? If like probate court, anything goes w/ blazer on top!
Anonnnn
Superior court!
Runcible Spoon
Have you aleady been selected to serve on this jury? If so, focus on staying comfortable — jury duty can be difficult, because you have to pay attention to everything at all times, can’t sneak a peek at your phone, can only use the restroom during breaks, can’t snack at whim, and any necessary phone calls have to be done on breaks. Sitting still and listening all day can be tiresome, no getting up and walking around whenever you feel like it. So it would be perfectly appropriate to wear some stretch pants with a presentable patterned 3/4 sleeve top with a cardigan layer, in case the courtroom or jury room is cold. Comfy shoes, depending on how far you need to walk to get to the courtroom, courthouse cafeteria, transportation to/from the courthouse. Thank you for your service!
Anon
I recently started lifting, and find myself crazy hungry the whole day after I lift. Does anyone else experience this?
Anon
Yes, this happens to me a bit with lifting but really happens with swimming.
Within 30-45 mins or less of a workout I always have a chocolate milk. It’s delicious and is one of the best post workout foods for building muscle. It has such a great mix of macros and I find it pretty filling. It’s enough for me immediately post workout that it holds me over until I eat a meal.
It’s also important to fuel yourself with a good mix of macros pre-workout too. I usually do a protein smoothie (FF Greek yogurt, protein powder, frozen fruit, milk).
I then eat normally throughout the day, which is a good mix of macros, fruits and veggies and a fun snack or two.
Anon
+1 to a chocolate milk or other protein shake within 30-45 minutes of a workout.
Anon
Yes!! I try to eat more protein to keep myself full longer.
Anon
My great aunt died and I am in charge of helping sort through her things. She had size 9.5-10 AAA feet, which I recall her complaining were hard to find shoes for. If you had 20 pairs of them in good shape, largely suited for someone who is 75, would you just take to the thrift store? I feel that it’s such an odd size that someone else needs to find them. I have peasant feet. She used to joke that her feet were for aristocrats but not her budget.
Anon
You could sell them online on eBay or poshmark. Maybe all together to minimize the work for you.
Anonymous
I’d post them on FB marketplace (or whatever site is popular where she lived) for free as a lot to make sure they got to the right person.
Anon
Absolutely just donate. It is not worth your time to try to sell/find an appropriate person. If you really feel compelled, you could go to the nearest retirement home/assisted living and donate them there directly if they knew someone might benefit.
NYNY
Is there a senior center near you that might take them?
When my mother died, she had over 100 pairs of expensive comfort shoes in excellent condition – stored in their shoeboxes, never worn without socks – in a range of sizes. We gave a lot away to friends and family, and then took the rest to a thrift shop that supports a cause she cared about. They were delighted to get them and I feel secure that they made their way to people who needed them.
Anon
Major thrift stores will funnel them to wherever will make the most money for the thrift store.
Anon
(AKA, just donate and move on).
Anon
I’d donate and if you’re dealing with the whole estate, I’d hire an estate sale company. They’re great for actually getting cash for what I’ve thought was junk, sorting out potentially valuable or sentimental items for the family to take a first crack at, and they clear everything out.
Anonymous
Love this website with all the fun memes about Tim Walz — https://timwalzfixedyourbicycle.com/ (keep hitting refresh)
Also loved the descriptor of him as the “the dad that so many lost to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh”
anon
are they expensive shoes (like ferragamo come in narrows) or are they, you know, just regular shoes? unless they are “designer” or new no one wants old shoes. donate.
Anona
We’re booked to got to Santorini, Naxos, and Athens in mid-September. So I can’t tell you yet, but I’ll report back!!
A related question – does anyone have a specific tour guide recommendation for the acropolis? I know we can go to local guides . com, but would prefer someone with a personal recommendation.
Anon
I’m a vote blue no matter who voter, but is anyone else so bored with the Tim Walz pick? Old, white man = snooze fest to me. I’m sure he has charisma, but I wouldn’t know because I have no desire to watch him speak. I’m worried this is a Clinton/Kaine repeat.
Anon
Nope, I think he’s super charismatic and the only thing he has in common with Tim Kaine is a first name.
My dad, who’s a Never Trump conservative and very wary of the progressive wing of the Democratic party, liked Shapiro better on policy, but after watching them speak emphatically agreed that Walz was a better pick. He said Shapiro came across as phony and a career politician and Walz seems authentic.
Anonymous
Charismatic? The man looks like he’s never seen a stadium before. He also pings the gaydar – not that there’s anything wrong with that and he may not even be aware. He seems like the kid of teacher you keep your kid away from he seems a bit too friendly.
Anon
“Pings the gaydar”? What alternative timeline have you come from FFS.
Anonymous
You may not be wrong. A male teacher I had in HS who was soooo into teaching and being around kids, gay and wanting a traditionally feminine profession. And like this guy – from a generation where he never even considered the idea that he was gay or just couldn’t come out being from a conservative family. He eventually came out much later in life. Yes I’m sure everyone will scream it’s an anecdote of one but the guy had the exact same behaviors and affect as Tim, so couldn’t help but wonder when I saw him on stage in Philly and then greeting girl scouts the next day.
Natasha McShane
Whut ?
Anon
Can we please not? Saying men can’t like kids and be amazing teachers is as gross as saying women can’t be doctors or pilots.
Anon
This is a disgusting comment.
Anon
This is a gross comment, but also he doesn’t ping my gaydar at all. And there a few married, male politicians who definitely do.
Seventh Sister
He doesn’t ping my gaydar at all, and there are plenty of male and/or married famous people that do. And as many people have known since at least the Clinton administration, there’s a world of difference between someone realizing they are gay in middle age and hurting kids.
FWIW, he’s from a mainline Christian denomination that is super gay-friendly (ELCA).
Anon
No I’m more excited by this ticket (since he joined the ticket) than I’ve ever been about politics ever.
I’m a public servant but reading about his work as a teacher, soldier, and politician and how dedicated he is to public service is so inspiring to me. To the point that I’m debating going into a “harder” but more impactful area of public service. I have a desk job now, and while I develop policy that helps people, he makes me want to go back to the lower paid, harder, but very impactful “front lines” work I did in my 20s.
Anon
No.
He’s great. Learn your favorite fact about him (teacher! IVF Dad! Calls weird people weird! Free school lunches for kids!) then tell all your friends so they vote for him too. That’s the assignment.
Eager Beaver
I’m super excited about Tim Walz. He’s not that old (only 60), and his background is very different from any candidate in recent memory. I love the idea of having a career teacher as VP.
NYS
He and Kamala Harris were both born in 1964.
Lily
Not really. He doesn’t seem that old to me. One of his kids is still in high school. The way he speaks is energetic.
I’m all for diversity and representation, but we have that at the top of the ticket. Walz also offers rural/midwestern representation. You sound really prejudiced.
Anon
As a midwesterner who is not a lawyer, I’m thrilled to feel represented by the presidential ticket. Technically Obama was from the midwest, but he’s the only Democratic candidate in my lifetime to even sort of represent my part of the country and there hasn’t been someone without a law degree since Carter! My family is full of teachers and other education related jobs, so I love to see that represented.
Anon
Did W go to law school?
Anon
No and neither did Trump. But Walz is the first person on a Democratic ticket to not go to law school since Carter.
Anon
He and Kamala are both born in 1964, he just looks a lot older. He joked on Twitter that he supervised the lunchroom for 20 years and you don’t come out of that job with a full head of hair. I think he’s hilarious.
Anon
Exactly this! I work in a small midwestern town and Tim Walz feels like an amalgamation of a bunch of my clients. He comes across as earnest and interested and warm and someone who can disagree with you without thinking less of you. I think it has been a real problem for the democrats that they’ve had people who didn’t know how to criticize republicans without coming across (or being accused of coming across) as being antagonistic to a lot of rural people and Tim Walz feels like he solves that problem easily. He speaks our language.
Seventh Sister
While Republicans are quick to jump on liberals as “elites” for the slightest reason, I do think that many of my Democratic siblings can’t criticize Republicans without sounding super snobby. I cringed when I heard that “deplorables” comment from HRC and I *still* have my HRC action figure from 2016. I loathe David Brooks, but that silly sandwich column he wrote reminded me about how I got sneered at in law school for not knowing how to pronounce acai.
While my kids laugh at me for chatting with everyone when we’re out in public, being pleasant and able to talk to people is a skill. Sometimes there is no obvious reward, sometimes the guy who rules the office supply room gets you new chairs for your office without you asking.
Anon
Prejudiced? Come on. It’s okay to be bored by white men.
are you for real?
how can you be bored with someone you’ve never took the time to listen to? you sound like a snooze fest yourself (and a judgmental one at that).
Anon
Well, what a disappointing take from you. Use one fingernail of effort.
How about listen to his Ezra Klein interview, or listen to yesterday’s The Daily (NYT) podcast to learn more about him. You sound like your attention span is that of a meme…. Sad.
Anonymous
I like Walz because he’s pretty progressive without being abrasive. As much as I hate that we need to appeal to people’s biases….we do, and an articulate funny white guy does that
Anonymous
i’m super excited about this pick also (48yo white lady in the burbs of a red state). i remember being disappointed in Kaine also but i think HC wasn’t going for charisma at all because she thought she had it in the bag. Walz has charisma and folksy charm, he has an IVF daughter, he apparently has won sharpshooting competitions in Congress, he used to be an NRA guy but gave the money back. tiktok and memes can go someplace with him.
Senior Attorney
Maybe spend two minutes actually watching him speak and you’ll be more excited.
Anon
See my comment below. I spent an hour.
RR
No, no one I know is bored. I saw someone do a take on how he’s the dad that a lot of us lost to MAGA and Rush Limbaugh, and that resonated. I’m loving the America’s Dad thing he’s got going on. The man started a gay/straight alliance at a high school in the 1990s. I graduated high school in the 1990s. That is remarkable. I’d encourage you to listen to him. I feel real hope for the future for the first time in 8 years.
Anonymous
I never thought of this but yeah he reminds me of my Dad who I lost to MAGA, I wish Walz was my Dad. Maybe that’s why I like him, he’s the suburban dad we all deserve. The dad who actually cares about their kids.
New Here
I am way more excited about him than I was Kaine. He seems like a genuinely good person. I think his story is interesting! He ran for congress because his students suggested he do so. He did well. Then someone suggested he run for governor. I heard on a podcast that he said something about like “Why run for office if all you are going to do is keep it” in response to him voting for the ACA even if it may have cost him his seat. He seems focused on getting stuff done.
Anonymous
Also, fwiw, I think it was ALWAYS going to be a boring midwestern white guy to balance Kamala – the second Biden endorsed her there were a million jokes about it. i actually thought it was great that Whitmer and Buttigeg were considered at all. Ditto for the other lady governor I’m forgetting.
Anonymous
Can’t stand him. She had people like Josh Shapiro and Andy Beshear on the bench and she chose grandpa aw shucks with a Mankato State education who was a public school teacher? Who doesn’t have the ability to stand still on stage and not look like your doofy uncle who has never seen a stadium before. Yes I’m fully an east coast snob and this pick just doesn’t resonate with me. I’d take Shapiro from Georgetown Law living on the 95 corridor any day. I don’t care that he offers feminine hygiene products or breakfast at school. That’s small ball. The man owns no stock, has no retirement accounts, doesn’t own a home, so he inherently does not understand finance, interest rates, or markets – not in a personal way. But aw shucks he has a teachers pensions and has changed kids lives.
I said I’d vote for her if she chose a potted plant. So I will because at least they aren’t fascists but this ticket has now swung far too progressive and I hope they are in and out in one term.
Anon
Lololol
anonshmanon
hilarious!
Anon
Wow.
Anonymous
Uh this is something else.
Anon
I don’t agree with this overall but I understand it. I do agree that men get way too much credit for the aw shucks persona while women get torn apart on the specifics.
Anonymous
Agreed – I mean Kamala at least initially had been looking down on her for only going to an HBCU and a UC law school, but Grandpa Aw Shucks from Minnetonka State or wherever is just fine? Kamala has been in government for decades and done everything from prosecuted banks to sat with the council of economic advisors as VP and it’s constantly – she’s weak on the economy. Grandpa Aw Shucks doesn’t have one dime in the market or pay a dollar of interest on a mortgage but no problem for him right?
Anon
He has a pension plan, which is common for teachers, and was a homeowner for years (decades?) and presumably had a mortgage then. Acting like he’s out of touch or dumb because he doesn’t currently have a mortgage or lots of individual stocks is a weird take. The average joe in Midwestern swing states has finances that are much closer to his than yours or mine.
Senior Attorney
You know this is why the red people hate us, right?
Anonymous
I mean they can hate me, I’m fine with that. For me electing Biden and Kamala is just about holding off Trump. It’s not like I truly agree with these progressive stances. Once Trump is too elderly to run again, hopefully we get back some non Maga Republicans, not people whose focus is school breakfast or feminine hygiene products at school.
Vicky Austin
+1 and shitting on state-educated public school teachers, who are doing some of the hardest and most thankless work in the country? Great look. Real mature.
Anonymous
+1000000000000
Anonymous
+1, what on earth
Anon
It’s true that snobs will not be enthusiastic about him.
Anon
You sound like a parody of a commenter on this site.
Anon
But you do realize that most voters in the non-Chicago Midwest aren’t like you, right? And Democrats don’t win the presidency without carrying multiple Midwest states? I have a more similar background to Shapiro (despite being from the Midwest) and relate to him more on a personal level too, but I recognize that Walz is the better pick for people in the swing states, the vast majority of whom are not Ivy-educated lawyers.
On the retirement thing, I think when he entered teaching the pensions were good enough that you could actually retire on them and didn’t need to save separately in a 401k, so I think saying he doesn’t understand finances is a little unfair. Even now I doubt most teachers have robust 401ks. His wife has a teacher’s pension too. And they sold their home when they moved into the governor’s mansion; they were homeowners.
Anonymous
We don’t need more coastal elites to win, we need to better represent more of the country.
Anon
I adore Josh Shapiro. He’s a top-of-the-ticket guy and important for a Democratic future. Beshear, too. But Walz makes sense from a politically strategic standpoint.
Your characterizations of Walz — as well as the idealization of Georgetown Law and the I-95 corridor — mirrors my experience as a midwesterner transplanted to the East Coast. I have lived in the Rocky Mountains, in California, the middle of the country and now on the I-95 corridor, and I have never countered people more small-minded than those on the I-95 corridor. So convinced of their own sophistication, they often cannot believe that NYC isn’t the arbiter of politics, taste, and savvy; and when they realize it isn’t, they denigrate people by calling them uneducated, simple, or small-minded.
You shouldn’t care that he advocates free breakfast and tampons in public schools. That’s great but it’s also small potatoes. Those are press soundbites that you’re using to shore up unearned I-95 elitism, and it ignores the real policy changes he’s enacted as well as the state budget he’s handled.
Like him, don’t like him. Fetishize Georgetown Law all you want. Like I said, I really adore Shapiro and Beshear, and I look forward to their ongoing political careers. But you might re-consider your response to Walz by actually doing a tiny bit of research. And you might re-consider your attitude by trying to imagine that the East Coast doesn’t exert the centrifugal force you think it does.
Natasha McShane
Like you, djt can’t stand him either.
Anonymous
Georgetown law has always been consolation tier – and I say this as someone who went there. Like, aw you tried hard but not hard enough to get into HYS.
These days I feel a lot better about a public servant who understands what it is to serve (and in this case, be a great background player but not main character)… and not someone slick who admires Putin or Kim Jong-il.
You don’t even sound like a Democrat. But thank you for recognizing that the GOP is broken.
Anon
He has four pensions, sold a house when he was elected governor, and isn’t required to declare government retirement accounts, so he very well may have investments in a TSP from his time in Congress. And as someone who also sold a house in 2019 and thought we’d rent for a year before buying again because we were moving cross country and our lives were in flux, I actually find getting screwed by the housing market skyrocketing at the wrong time is very relatable. Not many politicians are in that position and it shows in our housing policies.
Anon
Agree completely. The aw shucks, midwesten nice thing does nothing for me. I’d also vote for anything blue but I think he’s a disappointing choice and she had much better options.
Anon
Doofy uncle is a feature, not a bug.
Runcible Spoon
You’re entitled to your opinion, but he was not selected to appeal to you as a target voter.
Runcible Spoon
Also, the information about no stocks or mutual funds probably is derived from old Congressional financial disclosure forms. I’m sure you are aware that the way pensions for public servants are structured these days, including ALL federal retirement benefits, include, in addition to any straight-up pension benefits, employee contributions to 401(k) or 403(b)-type funds, typically mutual funds. So he probably does have mutual fund investments as part of his retirement benefits. I know he has them as part of his federal (Congressional) retirement benefits, which have vested given his multiple terms as a Congressman. Same goes for the U.S. federal military retirement benefits.
Anonymous
A true “East coast snob” would understand why Walz is a genius pick!
Anon
I wasn’t wowed initially but when he, a 60-year-old, made the couch meme joke, I was won over. I’m tired of Dems never fighting back.
BeenThatGuy
+1 When the other side does nothing but throw shots to the gut (and below), I’m ok with a quick jab to the throat in response.
Anon
And it’s SO. NICE. to see a sign of spark, a sign of life, some jokes that aren’t safe.
Anon
Troll
Anon
+1
But good discussion nonetheless!
Anon
I do wonder why Mike Kelly wasn’t picked. I mean for presidential candidate with Kamala as VP. However, I’d vote for a rotting corpse over Trump, so I’m getting behind whoever is dem.
Anonymous
I think it was this morning’s NYT that talked about how Team Harris chose him – they said Shapiro had too much Main Character Energy and Kelly was too wooden and didn’t gel with KH.
Anon
Kelly apparently had a big union problem — he cast anti-labor votes in Congress.
Also I think there was a preference for a governor, to balance Kamala’s experience since she was also a senator. Governors have more experience actually running things than senators do, so I think a lot of people feel more comfortable with a VP who’d been a governor so that they could be ready immediately if something happened to the top of the ticket.
Anon
I am not a tr0ll, I’m a real person with voting power who has been posting on this board for over 10 years. And update – I’ve spent the last hour watching and researching Walz, and guess what…I’m still bored.
Runcible Spoon
That’s ok, he wasn’t selected to attract you as a voter. Thank you for your comments and contributions over the years to this board, keeps things interesting, and variety is the spice of life!
Anon
Someone is not a T just because you disagree. Get a grip.
Anon
Right there with you. So disappointing. I also can’t get over that he has barely any assets. People here are more prepared for retirement at 30 than he is.
Anonymous
“There are no retirement accounts, no money-market funds, no stocks, no crypto, not even a basic checking or savings account. Even more peculiar, his disclosures have never listed any checking or savings accounts on any of the forms he has filed going back to 2016, the year he was elected to Congress.”
Oh wait this article is about Mike Johnson not Walz. Whoops.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/11/07/mike-johnson-speaker-bank-account-mystery/#
Anon
Also super weird and not desirable in a candidate for public office. I’ll vote blue regardless because democracy but this is glaring and I’m surprised by people minimizing it. He strikes me as Bernie in a more palatable package.
Anon
He seems WAY less sexist than Bernie (Bernie would never agree to be a woman’s #2), and way less concerned with the plight of the mediocre white man. I can’t stand Bernie and so far have a generally positive impression of Walz. The “progressive” things Walz has done mostly involve kids – feeding kids, putting feminine hygiene products in school bathrooms, etc. – and as a moderate, I find those progressive ideals a lot easier to get on board with than Bernie’s push for forgiving loans and free college.
I really don’t understand the concerns about his finances. I have >$1M in retirement accounts at 39, but am aware I’m incredibly wealthy and not representative of the average American, let alone the average Midwesterner, where cost of living tends to be a lot lower (we purchased our very nice single family home less than a decade ago for $350k). The average (median) retirement savings for American families is $87k, which means half of all families have less than that amount. His family has multiple pensions and doesn’t need to rely on traditional retirement accounts. The homeownership fixation is so weird to me — he owned a home for a long time and sold it when he moved into the governor’s mansion. Why would he hang onto property he’s no longer using? Most people don’t have multiple homes unless they’re wealthy enough to own a vacation home. He has the experience of being a homeowner. Even if he didn’t, I don’t see why that would be disqualifying.
Anon
Do you seriously not realize that people here are a tiny microcosm of the country that skews extremely wealthy and educated!? The median retirement savings for a 30 year old American is $75k — hardly the millions you’d think if your only data point was this site. And he and his wife both have good pensions, why do you think they’re unprepared for retirement? This is the dumbest thing to judge him on.
Anon
I think it makes him much more likely to be farther to the left than I prefer. It’s not a dumb thing to judge on at all.
Anon
What do his personal finances have to do with his political positions?
Boo
This doesn’t make sense. So many poor rural whites are supportive of MAGA. If someone having no-to-modest retirement made them more to the left, than by your logic, all those poor rural whites would be farther to the left.
Anon
This whole conversation is surreal. I live in MN. The ‘aw shucks’ thing is just how people talk here – doesn’t mean they’re boring, or stupid – and frankly, that kind elitism is how we ended up with Trump in the first place. Tim Walz is a very saavy, smart politician. His last two opponents for Governor were a lawyer and then a doctor – and Walz walked all over both of them in debates with his depth of knowledge about the issues. He was able to navigate getting things done legislatively that have been on democrat’s wish-lists for years. Plus he’s a genuinely decent person – I think it’s throwing people off to see someone who hasn’t calculated their every move since high school for maximum political and professional advantage.
Anon
Yes! Thank you. Seriously, the self-importance of (often coastal) so-called “elites” belies the incredible provincialism of those so-called elites.
Anon
Some of the most satisfying moments in my career have been watching big city lawyers and big city experts underestimate my rural lawyer self and get their ass handed to them. I personally suffer from some intellectual snobbishness, but am sick and tired of people who think geography = smarts and sophistication.
Anon
I mean. It’s why I don’t live there. But just as he appeals to the Midwest, which is great since they’re swing states, he doesn’t appeal to some of us snobs. I’ll own it. I am a snobby coastal elite. And it’s within our rights to be bored, uninspired, not excited by his selection. I’m still voting for the dem ticket.
Runcible Spoon
Right, he was selected to BALANCE the ticket, i.e., not to appeal to coastal elites in particular — that’s what the top of the ticket, Kamal Harris, is for.
FE
I realize there are a bajillion iterations of these online, so looking for a specific recommendation for something that works really well for you – I have several pairs of shoes where my heels slip because I have wide feet so often need to buy a size bigger to get the width right. I want a sticky-ish pad to put in the heel. I’ve bought good ones and bad ones. Any one have one they love that are not too thick but help the shoe stay on your heel?
Anon
I like Pedag brand. I also discovered something called tongue pads, which help keep my foot more secure in some shoes.
Senior Attorney
Have you tried the pads that go under the ball of your foot? I’ve had better luck with those than the pads that actually go in the heel. https://www.amazon.com/Foot-Petals-TECHNOGEL-Toes-Flops-W/dp/B00XAOK9LI/
FE
Many years ago, but part of the reason I am sizing up is because my foot is wide and my toes are squished, so I remember that being the reason the foot petals did not get me there.
Honestly, the best result I’ve gotten is from using fabric tape (or the stuff you use to hold your shirt closed between buttons?) in the heels. I just need a little bit of stick to hold the heel on. The problem though is that my skin gets tender by the end of the day with those.
Anon
I use hollywood fashion tape on the bottom of my heels.
Jamie
Any recommendations for a non-permanent hair coloring/brightening shampoo? I have tried Redken’s color-depositing shampoo but it makes my scalp itch. I don’t want to permanently dye my hair but want to brighten my dark brown natural color (and a few greys) so it looks less one-dimensional. I’d ideally like something that does not require gloves and special application. TIA.
anon
Revlon Colorsilk Tone Gloss was really great for me.
anon
It does require gloves but was very easy to use and the color looked great.
Senior Attorney
Looks like somebody is finally starting to take IUD insertion pain seriously: https://wapo.st/3WvnlMk
Anon
Good news – now we need people to take women’s pain seriously in other areas, ranging from endometriosis to cramps to childbirth recovery. So many battles to fight!
Anonymous
If I had a dollar for every doctor who incorrectly told me something would cause minor pain or discomfort….
Anon
“Just a pinch” is my favorite (not)
Anon
I’ve always considered an IUD and never took action to get one because of the pain. If they gave women a sedative or something I’d absolutely go for the copper one.