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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Menopause shape shifting -- fighting back
This is perimenopause:
late 40s
metabolism has ground to a halt
activity level is about what you’d expect for someone with sedentary law job and 2 kids (active, yes; active to the point of working up a sweat — not good on this)
My shape has expanded over the decades, but it has accellerated to the point of two sizes below the waist in the past year (as have the perimenopause symptoms).
I know I’m already at the upper end of the age range on this board, but has anyone had any success in fighting age + hormones on this front? I feel like all of the 20-something trainers I know have just no idea (like my weight has always been within 5 pounds of when I finished high school, but it is a wildly different body). If I can’t reverse the slide, I’d at least like to stop the slippage.
anon
I’m not in your age range, so I concede that I don’t really understand. That said, I’ve read a lot about how lifting weights and strength training really slows down the metabolic slowdown, and can both change your shape as well as increase your calorie burn. Probably not as much as a 20 something, but I would seriously consider this.
Anon
I thought having muscles increased your metabolism??
Lana Del Raygun
Yeah, it “slows down the metabolic slowdown” ie your metabolism may still slow down with age but not as much or as quickly as if you weren’t training.
PolyD
She said “slows down the slowdown” which I take to mean, keeps things from slowing down quite so much.
I’m 51 and have definitely put on some weight in the past couple of years. I have no useful advice – I think we just have to really watch what we eat more and look for nutrient-dense, but calorie-light foods. Right now, I’m focused on not getting heavier and exercising regularly. I do a weight training circuit class that incorporates cardio, and also ballet classes. I’m not sure how much weight I lose, but the classes do see to tighten things up so my pants don’t feel quite so tight.
I hear you – the struggle is real.
Housecounsel
You are not the only one here in her late 40s!
I had to dramatically change the way I eat. Cutting out all added sugar is the only thing that works for me.
Cold Canadian
Me too. 51.
I am within 10 lbs of my high school weight, but it s definitely distributed differently. 3 babies probably did not help with that.
I have had good results with intermittent fasting, and also being very committed to dietary changes (which were also for health reasons as I have autoimmunity issues). I aim for 6-9 cups of vegetables a day and eat no processed sugar, which means almost no processed food.
Autoimmune Ugh
Would you be willing to please share what your dietary changes were related to your autoimmune issues? Were they the 6-9 veggies/no processed sugar or are they in addition to that? Did you work with a nutritionist? I got an autoimmune diagnosis last week, and my doctor was of no assistance regarding dietary changes. I’ve been going down the internet rabbit hole ever since.
TIA!
Anonymous
Not the Cold Canadian, but I did the autoimmune version of the Whole30 elimination diet. I know it’s helped people identify some of the common problem foods. I thought it was not particularly hard or burdensome as restricted diets go, partly because there’s a lot of support and encouragement.
I also have family members who did hardcore medical elimination diets with additional restrictions (such as eating the same food twice within 48 hours) who honestly got better results if indeed the diet had anything to do with remission of symptoms. But I think the medical supervision probably helped.
Cold Canadian
Yes, I am doing the Autoimmune Protocol diet which is a short term (60 – 90 days hopefully) in which you eliminate many potentially inflammatory foods, and then try to reintroduce some of them (but generally not grains, no soy, no processed white sugar, no legumes). Right now I am also eating no dairy, no nuts or seeds, no nightshades, no eggs, no spices made from seeds or nightshades. Its very restrictive.
Since it is winter I’ve been basically bunging a small amount of animal protein in the oven with a huge amount of (non-nightshade) veg and roasting it. Turns out brussell sprouts and cauliflower are pretty yummy roasted in olive oil with balsamic, carrots and parsnips in a honey lemon ginger glaze.
And avocado on lots of things (especially mashed up with lime juice and garlic on a burger patty).
AIP “taco” meat on a roasted sweet potato with the guac and crumbled bacon.
You are right that most docs will not talk to you about diet at all (unless you have celiac disease obviously).
There are Facebook groups for autoimmune support you can look at too.
Good luck. Once you have 1 autoimmune disorder you are likely to go on to develop more. I wish I had known that and researched it more after my first diagnosis. Maybe, with dietary changes (gluten seems to be the big one) I would not have developed more.
Autoimmune Ugh
Thanks a ton Anonymous and Cold Canadian! I’m just starting to gain some knowledge around this topic and I greatly appreciate your advice. I was really disappointed that my doc was not as supportive as I would have expected. I know she’s not a nutritionist, but I would have liked some more info before having to turn to google. Love this community!
Cold Canadian
Unfortunately, with autoimmunity, they generally just want to give you meds (which doesn’t really stop your body from attacking itself).
I highly recommend going to a functional, integrative or naturopathic doctor. They are more likely to try to find the underlying causes for your autoimmunity.
Anon
Is it sarcopenia? I know strength training is pretty important to retain muscle mass as you age, but admittedly I have not experienced this myself.
MJ
I am past 50 and have had similar changes… Diet and exercise is key, for me exercise make more of a difference, helping with weight and mood. Try for 30 minutes of aerobics as many days as you can. Add some weigh training a couple of days a week and keep some light free weights at home/ Office.. to use when you have 5-10 minutes…this will help with firming and also protects bones. Fitness Blender has some great 10 minute targeted work outs. This sounds like a lot of To do’s but if you can develop the habit it will make you feel so much better…took me a few years to figure it out..
Goog Luck
Brokentoe
58 here, still in perimenopause (it’s been about 10 years – ugh). Sadly, serious diet change is the only thing I’ve found that makes a difference in losing any weight. I just can’t eat the same way any longer. I’ve also made some peace with the fact that without a ton of effort, I won’t have the same body I did 10 years ago. And although my personal wrinkle situation is actually a lot better than many of my peers (few people believe I’m 58), given the skin changes I’ve experienced, I don’t think losing the weight (10-15 lbs) would be a positive in terms of my facial appearance – due to the little extra “plumping” I have in my face with the extra pounds.
Brokentoe
losing the extra weight would NOT be a positive
anon
I’m 49 and have experienced exactly what you describe during the last few years. Previously, I had been able to maintain my college weight of 125 – 130 pounds by leading an active lifestyle and eating reasonably and consuming no calories through beverages. Suddenly I was up 8 lbs – it was not attractive and not budging with my usual trick of cutting back on food. Historically my exercise plan was barre classes and power walking. My first approach was to add a personal trainer for weight lifting. Useful for toning but the weight did not budge. Finally, I found the holy grail – running. It took me a year to develop the endurance needed to run 4-5 miles at a ten minute pace but I am there. It was incredibly difficult to get there – I literally thought I was going to die sometimes – but I found an early morning running group and stuck with it. Still hard to get up to meet them at 5AM but I feel great afterwards. For me, it has been the most efficient way to burn a lot of calories which finally drove the weight loss. I try to get in 20-25 miles per week. Another perk is the social aspect of being with these women several times a week. We go early on the weekends, too – usually 5:45 or 6:00 – so that everyone can get to kids’ sporting events and other activities. Good luck. I wish there were a magic solution that did not require hard work. :)
Anonymous
Is it hard to start running at our age – like is your cartilage up for that? And joints?
anon
Yes, starting to run at 48 was incredibly hard but I REALLY wanted to do it. I think my cartilage and joints are in relatively good shape since I’ve never been a runner. On the other hand, my husband is having all kinds of trouble at 55, as a life long runner. My biggest issue is my feet, but they hurt whether I run or not due to arthritis.
Ellen
I may have to do this very soon and I am only 37, b/c my tuchus is getting bigger and bigger, though my overall weight is not that much (120). Dad says he remembers me when I was 95 pounds — I was in 11th grade! FOOEY on him, I bet that he also weighed a lot less then he does now, but he never told me what he weighted. DOUBEL FOOEY! I think that walking is good, but does NOTHING for slimming my tuchus. If any one in the hive knows how to slim my tuchus, please advice! YAY!!!!
Anon
It won’t be a popular opinion, but I gave into it. I spent my mid to late 40s fighting it but I just got exhausted. Now I do things that make me happy (long walks admiring other people’s gardens) and don’t do things that don’t (the treadmill) and have accepted my body at the size it is now.
Lobbyist
I am 49 years old. I joined StrongerU (pay for a coach to tell you how much to eat each day of carbs, fat and protein). I also set workout goals for me to accomplish in 2019 and started lifting weights 2 or 3 times a week. I dropped 10 lbs as a result of the stronger U (and am holding) and as a result of the weight lifting I can now do 5 pull ups and I gotta say my arms look like Michele Obamas. My skin on my legs is saggy and I have veins that need to be zapped or something so don’t worry I’m not a freak of nature, but better diet plus weightlifting has REALLY helped.
Anonymous
Late fifties, post menopause. On HRT because otherwise I’m exhausted all the time plus some other issues. Combination of Strength training with a trainer twice a week, getting at least 10,000 steps in a day, and some high intensity aerobic on a regular basis. I can’t easily run (joints) so I ride my bike at least an hour twice a week. When the weather turns bad, I move my bike on a trainer in the basement (I use a kinetics rock and roll because I don’t like the rigidity of stationary bikes, but spin class would be a comparable calorie burning exercise.) Like others, I have also had to radically revise eating habits. I basically gave up rice, pasta, and bread, upped my fish and seafood, and subbed in a lot more vegetables and soups. I am trying to lose 10 lbs, even though my GP is fine with my weight as and I have a healthy BMI, but I feel uncomfortable when I have to sit for long periods (plane travel), my joints will thank me, my gastroenterologist says even a few pounds helps, and there has been a relentless slow upwards creep that I want to arrest. So I’ve signed up for WW online and am tracking points. If you follow it and don’t cheat, you will lose weight. My downfall is processed sugar after work so biking has been important in modulating that. If I could kick the sugar, my current eating and exercise habits would keep me at a stable weight, but it is hard to lose with a sedentary job and a slowing metabolism.
Anonymous
I’m 55. I would say :
1) Build muscle. Gym at least 3-4 times per week. 1/3 hour cardio( high heart rate no strolling on a treadmill) + 2/3 hour weights.
2) Limit carbs. Try to eat only 1 carb serving per day.
3) Intermittent fast. Never eat in a 12 hour window from after dinner to breakfast and for several days per week stretch it to 16 or so hours e.g. eat dinner at 7pm and lunch 12 pm next day. You can do this.
4) Get a physical. Maybe there are other issues (thyroid)? If GP say no, go to an endocrinologist and get a full work up anyway. Don’t let people push you off with the menopause excuse.I find doctors in general do not take middle aged women seriously. Good luck.
JuniorMinion
Women lose muscle as they age without resistance training. The amount of bodyfat you have at a given weight (plus height and weight) largely is what drives your TDEE / how much you can eat without gaining weight. So if you are the average healthy weight woman and go from 28% bodyfat at 25 – 30 to 32-34% bodyfat at 35-40 while remaining the same weight, you have lost muscle and your TDEE will probably reflect that (this isn’t meant to be you, just average healthy weight body fat levels in women over time / age).
I would focus on healthy habits – majority resistance training (3-4x /week) + some cardio (1-3 sessions of no longer than 45 mins in duration) + eating high protein and majority whole foods (I do this largely through trader joe’s pre marinated / pre prepared meats and frozen veggie blends).
Finally, consider monitoring bodyfat via measurements / how you look in the mirror instead of weight. I used to be 155 lbs at 5’5″. Now I’m 185 lbs at 5’5″. Granted I’m an extreme case who can deadlift 375 lbs and squat 305 lbs and does powerlifting style training but I am lower bodyfat at 185 lbs than I was at 155 lbs.
Momofboys
Late to comment 55 here: post menopausal donated a solid 10 lbs (1 size for me)
I quasi- intermittent fast: I cook dinner every night and only eat the vegetables, and take the rest (dinner portion) & a bare salad for lunch the next day. In the morning I have steel cut oatmeal with a cut up half of apple or pear & 1-2 Tbs nuts. I lift weights 1xweek, easy vinyasa flow 1x week, & hot yoga 1x a week and try to walk as much as I can.
If I’m going out to lunch or dinner I’m just mindful for the next few days and it’s not perfect but I don’t feel deprived .
I quit !trying to be my old skinny self and am embracing that which I obviously can’t undo,
costco hairdryer
I recall a ‘rette recommendation for a hairdryer from costco. anyone know which one?
Anon
I think that was me! I got the T3 Luxe 2i Professional Hair Dryer. It happened to be $20 off when I got it.
Anonymous
Where would you live if you could live anywhere with decent internet (fully remote jobs), but needed to be a day’s trip or so from NYC (aging parents)?
We’ve been living in parts of the country where money goes farther, but we’ve been visiting so frequently that we’re thinking it’s time to move back.
BWE
I think South Central PA is lovely! It is developed enough that you easily have your essential needs met (Target! Whole Foods! Wegmans! Sephora!) but also has lots of parks and outdoorsy spaces. There’s breweries, theme parks, fantastic dining options, good nightlife. I’m a big fan!
NYC is 3ish hours away depending on your exact location and Lancaster, PA has an Amtrak line that goes to NYC if you don’t want to drive.
NOLA
Harrisburg is easy to NYC as well (although the parking at the train station was crazy expensive). I’ve heard that Lancaster is getting nicer and nicer. Lebanon isn’t bad, but doesn’t have Target/Whole Foods, etc. The other nice thing about south central PA is that it’s close to Philly, DC, and NY, and reasonable cost of living. Also great farmers markets, etc.
CountC
Agree on all of the above. For Amtrak to NYC, you can park at the Middletown station (10-15 minutes from HBG) and it’s free!
NOLA
Oh, that’s good to know!
Anonymous
I went to school in a small town in south central pa and, while it was a pretty place,I found it to be very culturally different than eastern pa or even western pa. Very right leaning politically, very white and very acceptable to spout racist and misogynistic things. I would hesitate to move there in the age of trump.
Anon
Have you been back in the past 10 years? Things have changed dramatically. It still leans slightly right, but my entire township board is democrat.
Anon
Different anon, but yes. I grew up in the area and upon a brief return this spring, found whatever the northern version of “Y’all ain’t from ’round here” to be very much alive and well in the town I grew up in, which has also made the national news several times for people acting like bigoted fools since the 2016 election. As I haven’t lived there since 1996, I’m very much an outsider now (though I felt like one there even as a kid).
Anonymous
No I haven’t, and I find this interesting and great. Although,I wonder if it changes when you’re in/around a college town?
CountC
Are you from Hazelton? Hazelton definitely has that feel, but Carlisle, Lancaster, and Harrisburg immediate city areas are pretty liberal. Now, you can certainly drive 15 minutes out of the downtown area and be in Trump agri-country.
Anon
Nope, York.
CountC
Oh yea, York is not liberal.
NOLA
Interesting! I am still friends with faculty at my undergrad school, in a small town in south central PA, and it is pretty liberal (as are they). I guess it varies from school to school and town to town.
Anon
The small liberal arts colleges in the area were my lifesaver as a kid – I was active in several of their performing arts departments and they were a bastion of sanity. That’s one of the few things I miss and do keep in touch with several of the now-retired faculty and then-students who had a huge role in making life tolerable as a weird but talented artsy kid.
Suburban
The returns for Cumberland county 2018 are still looking pretty red. I’m a Dickinson grad and it breaks my heart, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable in Carlisle. Yes,the architecture is beyond charming, the college is the best, the whole town is walkable and affordable. That said, the amount of anti-Semitic vitriol I experienced in that town still haunts me.
To some extent, I think it was a function of poor town/gown relations. That said, it was shocking to me how clearly the anti-intellectual and anti-diversity sentiments I heard were reflected in the maga rhetoric that emerged a decade later. The NY Times got a lot a flack for their continued focus on individuals in central pa, but in my personal experience the maga worldview seems native to the area.
Anonymous
My spouse is from that area and he be lots of wonderful friends from home who all immediately moved to DC/Baltimore/Philly/Pittsburgh/NYC after college. There are definitely nice pockets but they’re very tiny. Cost of living is definitely very low.
Bette
Harrisburg has long had one of the largest Klan rallies in the country each year.
If I could live anywhere in the country, it absolutely would not be central PA.
While I agree that it is improving in recent years, the old Carville adage of PA being “Philly and Pittsburgh with Alabama in the middle” largely holds true.
Anon
What about the Bethlehem/Allentown/etc area? I went to college in the Lehigh Valley and found it to be affordable (less so than Central PA, but also more diverse, more happening, etc) it’s very scenic, there’s lots to do, it’s very close to NYC (there’s a bus that goes between the two), and close to Philly. There’s good shopping, good restaurants, airports, concert venues, etc. As well as natural beauty and outdoorsy things to do.
Admittedly I don’t know what the cost of living for adults is, but it was a very affordable place to be a student.
Anonymous
+10000000
No Longer Furloughed Fed
A day’s trip by plane? Train? Car? Able to get to NYC and back in a day?
Anonymous
Like a day’s drive? Or a no-connection flight?
I’d look at Wake County NC b/c RDU airport is pretty good with flights into NYC; also CLT has lots of NY transplant and lots of flights. I’d add in Greensboro, too. Good internet/airport.
VA college towns all have good internet, but if you’re in Blacksburg (Va Tech), the Roanoke airport is just OK. Same with Charlottesville, Williamsburg, Harrisonburg, etc. Richmond vicinity may be better for airport and driving if you had to drive vs fly.
Anonymous
Greensboro is actually near the top of our list if we decide to keep flying, but I didn’t expect anyone to suggest it! Thanks for the rundown on VA airports as well.
Anonymous
I’m from outside Greensboro. 20 years ago I didn’t want to go back, but now in my early 40s with kids (and parents still there) I really regret not going back. Everything is an easy drive (Charlotte used to be an hour, though is more now with traffic, the mountains in 2, the beach in 3, DC in 5-6). It’s really grown up.
Anonymous
In the tri-state area, I know that Warren/Sussex County NJ can be very expensive for the area. Internet is very location specific — some areas are very, very rural but the small towns they surround may be just fine. Hunderdon County NJ has some really pretty little towns. Up and down the Delaware River is nice (even on the PA side, but I know that less well). I fly into Allentown a bit to avoid Newark and that area (around Lehigh University) has really grown in the last 10 years. If you are off of I-78 or I-80 it will still be easy to get into NYC, just not at morning rush hour.
Anonymous
Frozen hands — Warren/Sussex counties are very INexpensive for the area. Maybe E. Stroudsburg PA? College town off of I-80 just on the PA side of the Delaware.
Anonny
The Allentown/Lehigh Valley area has poor public transportation options to NYC, if this is at all a factor. I lived there for a few years. There was one expensive bus service, but I’m hearing it no longer runs.
Anon
When I attended college in the Lehigh Valley, not all that long ago, there was a bus to NYC that students took, so it couldn’t have been that expensive.
Anonymous
I like Hackettstown NJ — you can take NJ transit into the city via Hoboken.
Anon
Assuming that your parents are in the city and accessible to public transit, I would pick somewhere off the Acela because I hate driving in NYC – Baltimore, Philadelphia, Wilmington, Providence. Personally, I would probably pick Baltimore or Philadelphia, but think any would be nice.
Anon
Same. The train makes a huge difference to how much of a hassle the travel is. I’d probably do Philly in this circumstance to be closer to NYC, but Baltimore is cheaper, and there are nice neighborhoods walking distance from the Amtrak station.
Anon
Agreed, I am in Baltimore and it is a very easy trip and a great place to live
Anonymous
Hudson valley
Anonymous
Yep. You can get decent space/land, and it’s beautiful up there.
Anon
Philadelphia. :) We have some great suburbs and public transit is awesome. Amtrak to NYC is wonderful. Philly is still a cheap city to live in. It has its faults, but its getting better. Even the NJ suburbs are nice. (Plus, the best NHL mascot)
Alternatively, if I was living the FULL suburban lifestyle with the kids and the schools and all of that jazz, I would live in Delaware. Very quiet, quaint and good for raising the kiddos. A short trip from Baltimore, Phila, DC, Annapolis, and even NYC. Plus, no sales tax!
Gritty
It me, I’m the best!
Anon
Gritty / Phanatic – 2020!
Anon
Agreeing with Philly! We love Philly and would live there again in a heartbeat if there were jobs there for DH. We’ve lived in NYC, DC and Philly and the best thing about Philly is that you can do a day trip to both NYC and DC. Out of curiosity – what do you guys do professionally that your jobs are fully remote?
Anonymous
Software consulting and project management. Everything’s on “the cloud” anyway, so there’s a culture of working wherever (though it is still often framed as a perk).
Anon
A town in the Hudson Valley (like Kingston?) where I could live in a lovely old house overlooking the river and take the train into the City when I needed to.
Anon
Mystic and Stonington CT area!
K
Don’t most areas (that aren’t the complete middle of nowhere) have good internet these days? How far do you want to drive? A “day’s trip” from NYC is a lot of places.
Anonymous
Ideally no more than 5 hours? Yes, it’s a lot of places.
neg
is that a “day’s trip” by car or by any form of transportation?
Anonymous
Car or public transit. Flights is what we’re trying to get away from. Sorry for not being clear! And thanks for all the suggestions.
Cat
Philly.
Suburban
North fork of Long Island. But I’m a Long Islander and I get itchy on the mainland.
anon a mouse
Southern Vermont, and take advantage of the $10K grant to move there.
Or, if you want to be someplace that’s more urban, Philadelphia is definitely very affordable.
Anon
I grew up in that area and GTFO as soon as I could. I do not find it welcoming of outsiders. Pretty place to drive through – yes. Welcoming of new folks, not so much.
Anon
On the way to Fire Island every year the train stops at some tiny town in Long Island (I think it’s Sayville) and it’s the most charming, picturesque place straight out of Pleasantville.
Rebecca
Providence or Newport Rhode Island. Surprisingly great cost of living and lots of culture, natural beauty, and amazing restaurants!
BWE
Ugh…we have noisy neighbors.
My husband and I have enjoyed nearly 4 years of peaceful apartment life, but it finally happened. Someone moved into the apartment next to ours and they are SO LOUD.
The first instance was loud fighting at 5 am on a weekday. Figured it was a fluke and let it go.
Second instance was loud fighting at 7 am on a weekend. We knocked on the wall to let them know the sound was carrying.
Third instance was suuuuuuper loud music at midnight on a weeknight. Husband went over and knocked on their door to have a conversation but their music was so loud they couldnt hear. We wrote polite note.
And now they are back to fighting… 1 am both my husband and I were wide awake listening to them scream at each other and slam doors.
What should our next steps be? If it was strictly music / movie noise I feel like I would try to have a conversation, but the fact that the issue is usually aggressive fighting I’m not sure I want to get involved so another note? management? suck it up and have a conversation?
PS we’re pretty good friends with our neighbor on the other side and she’s fed up too.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t intervene in fighting. I’d call the police maybe b/c a situation, especially if there is any DV involved, can escalate and then involve you.
Anononymous
Umm the police will laugh at you if you call because people are yelling at each other. I know everyone here freaks out about “verbal abuse” but yelling is no way domestic violence and the police won’t care at all, unless you live in someplace with literally no crime.
Anon
I think this is highly dependent on your local police. I live in a moderately large city (2m metro, 1m city limits) and our police would absolutely respond, take names, and give a stern “talking to.”
Anonymous
Calling is also another way to get involved (people can generally guess who called).
Anonny
I live in a large (over 1m people but very safe non-US) city and if I called the police they would show up very quickly as the handful of murders my city does have are almost exclusively DV.
BWE
yeah I live in Baltimore…I can’t even get the police to show up when I’m witnessing a DV incident in front of me so calling the police isn’t really an option.
Anon
I would call apartment management (if this is mainly a noise issue) or the police (if you suspect DV or if management is not being helpful). We have loud neighbors on one side (rental house of 23 year old dudes) and every time I’ve tried to talk with them about noise in person, it either falls flat because it’s daylight and the party was the night before or they’re drunk and think I’m overreacting, etc. I called their landlord at one point who spoke with them but also told me to just call the police next time. At least with the police, they don’t know who is calling, and you stay somewhat anonymous.
Anon
I agree: apartment management and, if it doesn’t quit, then police. Having the police show up to a domestic fight–even if it doesn’t rise to the point of DV–might be the wake up call they need that things are not right/normal/okay.
BWE
UPDATE: I sucked it up and talked to management. They said they’d handle it…we will see.
In the meantime, I’m going to continue to document just in case I need to go back and re-report.
Anon
It’s odd that you think talking to your apartment management required sucking it up. That is a normal part of life living in an apartment.
BWE
I do not like involving management. My take is we are all adults and in usual circumstances there is not reason we can’t work things out by opening a dialogue. Obviously this is not a usual circumstance, but it still makes me feel like a bit of a tattler.
Anonymous
How do you prepare for an interview that will include a problem-solving exercise or other hands-on portion? I’ve been told that I will get a set amount of time to research a problem and then present my response to the committee. Given the nature of my work, this isn’t particularly unusual, but I’ve never done something like this before in an interview context so it’s looming large and taking my attention away from prepping for the standard “Tell me about a time when…” interview questions.
Idea
In business schools it was called a “case interview” or “case study interview”. Practice, practice practice and yes, buy a book and practice with a friend and with professors and yes pay people to practice with you. The point is not to get “the right” answer – there may not be one or there may be multiple right answers! The point is to hear your thinking and reasoning outloud, so organize your thoughts and usually it’s ok to sketch some diagrams or inforgraphics or organize the data that is given.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I would think about what the structure of your oral analysis will be and practice filling out that structure. For example, one sentence summary of the call of the question and why it is important to be answered, followed by a summary of your conclusion/recommendation, followed by 3 points. Go through the points. At the end, note assumptions, next steps, recommendation, etc. Maybe summarize what else you would need to answer further. If you are using a visual aid like a whiteboard, practice writing fast, turning around and talking, then turning back, writing fast and turning back and talking to the audience. Use roadmaps, draw graph, bullets, but limit text. Also, fill up the whole board. Divide into a sections before your speech mentally and then fill it out.
Anon
How long do people date before getting into a relationship (is. Exclusive)? Dating a guy right now who seems really into me and wants to spend his whole weekends with me, but also wants more time before we get in a relationship. We’re both in early 30s and have been dating for two months. I can see his status on my dating app, which shows that he has been active on it pretty much everyday. I’m pretty traditiona so no gardening or anything like that until after marriage for sure. I like him but it just feels like a cold bucket of water every time I see him being active on dating apps.
Anon
My personal experience has been that by time a person likes me enough to want to spend entire weekends with me, they also like me enough to Define The Relationship. I don’t know that I would be willing to give that much of my “prime time” to someone who wasn’t sure they wanted to commit. Sure, one weekend night here, one weeknight there, but not entire weekends if they’re still undecided. That’s just me.
Anonymous
If he’s still looking around, huge red flag. But at least you know. I wouldn’t give him all weekend. Maybe just one evening. Otherwise, why close off your options if you know he is keeping his open?
Anon
He seems dissapppinted whenever I tell him that I can’t hang out the whole weekend. He also says he can’t decide whether to be in a relationship unless he has been to my place a few times, which does seem reasonable.
Anon
He doesn’t get to “decide” if you are in a relationship. It’s a mutual decision that should take place after some open and honest communication about expectations. So many red flags here. Be careful.
Anonymous
“He also says he can’t decide whether to be in a relationship unless he has been to my place a few times”
This makes zero sense and is stalling. DH had been to my place maybe once to pick me up before we were exclusive. And I’ve never heard friends mention this as a thing. Like he has to scope out your apartment? Why does he need to be at your place vs. just spending more time with you?
anon0321
Ya, I may be off the mark, but this also potentially sounds like him trying to pressure you into sex… I’m not someone that waits, so not a huge ton of experience on that front, but I’d be weirded out by this too.
Lana Del Raygun
Yeah, that is weird and sketchy.
Anonymous
Usually a couple months. If he’s still actively looking for someone else at that point, I’d leave. I wang someone who wants the same things as me. Is he also waiting for marriage? Definitely don’t spend whole weekends with him while he’s telling you he doesn’t want a relationship.
Anon
Two months of dating and he still won’t call it a relationship? Unless you’ve agreed to be casual, my instinct says he’s avoiding committing to you because he’s dating and having sex with other women. Sorry.
Anonymous
Agreed.
Anon0321
Agree, my husband and I knew we were probably going to get married w/in the first 2 months (we waited a few more years to actually tie the knot :).)
Monday
Respectfully and kindly: I don’t think comments like this are helpful. Plenty of people do not know within 2 months whether they’re going to get married, and positioning it as a reference point can just make a single woman feel bad for being in a situation that isn’t that clear-cut (which most situations aren’t). You probably don’t realize it, but it can come across smug married. “I’m married, and also I never had to wonder the way you are now.”
Anon
Not the above poster, but respectfully and kindly, you should not assume bad intentions.
I knew on my first date with my husband, and I was almost 36. He knew on our third date.
This is something I wish I had known in my 20s… and early 30s.. and mid 30s, because it would have spared me a lot of angst and agony, wondering if the latest round of emotional f-ckwittage would resolve itself and turn into a real relationship, or if he would ever put a ring on it.
As someone who walked the walk of painful, decades-long singlehood, I think you’re wrong.
Monday
I did not assume bad intentions. I said, “you probably don’t realize it.”
Anon
Sigh.
Your last line was dead wrong. I, and most married people, DID have to wonder – right up until we met our spouses.
She’s doing you a favour by saying this. If you are upset by this, then stop wasting your time and emotional energy in whatever ambiguous situation you’re in now.
I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to the two people brave enough to tell me that my long-term relationship – happy, stable, fun, just no ring – was doomed. It helped me get out of it, and I met my husband not long thereafter.
Monday
I don’t think anyone disagrees about dead-end long-term relationships. The OP is asking about someone she’s known for 2 months.
FWIW, I dated a guy who was convinced pretty immediately that he wanted to marry me as well. We did get married, after 2 years, and then he left me abruptly a few years later.
I am gently suggesting that relationships, including engagements and marriages, are not always as straightforward as we might wish. Even certainty can give way over time. I don’t think people should feel wrong or alone if they are confused. I am not attacking anyone when I say this.
anon
Ugh. Why must you assume that your experience is the only valid experience? This is the crap that makes people call you smugmarrieds.
What about the opposite? When you feel like you’ve met The One in the first couple months but then it doesn’t work out? How are we emotionally weak, benighted, naive single people supposed to interpret these experiences? Confirmation bias, anyone?
anon
*hindsight bias, not really confirmation bias. I’m not firing on all cylinders this morning.
Anon
Here’s a thought: don’t attack people who are giving you good advice. Once that happens, life becomes a lot easier, because no one person can figure it all out on their own.
I do not care whether or not any of you get married, but I hate seeing nice people wasting their time for the wrong reasons. You can’t find the right person when you are with the wrong person, or too emotionally wrecked from the wrong people to even want to date (I am looking at you, my 25 year old self).
Anononymous
I don’t think it was smug married. The OP asked “how long do people date before becoming exclusive?” and Anon0321 was giving her data point. You can argue that when a bunch of internet strangers knew they were going to marry their spouse isn’t that relevant to OP’s situation and I wouldn’t disagree, but she’s literally answering the question that was asked.
anon
Stop being so patronizing. I’m not wasting my time on anyone–not in a relationship or even dating. I don’t have a dog in this fight, I’m not trying to protect my own feelings about some “inadequate” relationship right now. You are stubbornly insisting that your experience — know instantly if the person you’re dating is the one you’re going to marry or else your relationship is going no where–is the only valid one and that’s obnoxious. Smug. Married. I note that you didn’t respond to my question, which should be easy for you to do if your advice is so solid.
anon
To be clear, I don’t think Anon0321 was smug married either (or that her comment was problematic, although I do agree with Monday’s general point that this type of comment breeds needless insecurity). I think the poster(s) following her are.
NAnon
Amy one who is spoiling for a fight as hard as you are has serious issues.
“What about the opposite? When you feel like you’ve met The One in the first couple months but then it doesn’t work out? How are we emotionally weak, benighted, naive single people supposed to interpret these experiences? Confirmation bias, anyone.”
1. Never felt that way, but maybe you ought to examine why your intuition was so off. This isn’t a relationship thing; this is a life thing. I had a job blow up in epic fashion that I thought would be great, and you can bet I did a lot of thinking and soul searching as to why that happened, what red flags I missed, and what I could not possibly have known. Ditto a college relationship that ended up with him stalking me.
2. Get therapy. I told you that I didn’t meet my husband until later in life, so I obviously don’t think of single people the way you portray me to. You have a massive victim complex that is apparent to an internet stranger. It’s easier for you to berate me than to fix your own problems. That’s a crap way to live… but it is NOT my fault or my problem.
Grow up.
anon
Serious issues? Massive victim complex? Crap way to live? Need of therapy? Spoiling for a fight? Grow up? And I’m the one berating you? Okay, sure, lady.
You’ve made a lot of assumptions about me simply because I challenged the idea that your experience = automatically valid over someone else’s. That’s the only point I was trying to make.
Anonymous
This. And we were in our mid-20s. After a month I start the ‘are we exclusive conversation?’ and he was like ‘umm, I didn’t know we weren’t’.
Also agree that unless he has expressed similar traditional views on gardening, it is likely that he does not want to be exclusive so he had continue to garden with other women.
Anononymous
+1, also in our mid-20s and I asked my husband on our third date “What is this?” because I really liked him (and really wanted to garden) but was feeling emotionally attached and knew I couldn’t do the casual gardening thing with him. He said “Oh…I thought you were my girlfriend.” We didn’t meet online though and I know things are a bit different when you do, and almost no one would assume exclusivity after a few dates.
That said, most of my friends met their partners online and I don’t know anyone who had a guy waffle for two months or more and then enthusiastically commit. If he can’t commit to you after that timeframe, he is probably just not that interested in a relationship with you, sorry to say. Hugs.
anon0321
I guess I’m the smug married person, but honestly didn’t mean it that way- I have had a few VERY bad relationships (including 2 guys that gas lit me constantly), and those guys always made me feel off kilter and played games, always holding the upper hand in the dynamic. When I met my husband it was evident that we were on the same page about wanting to be exclusive & together fairly quickly and not playing games. Also- as I said, even though we knew we were on the same page, we did wait a few years to get married. We wanted to make extra sure our decision wasn’t based on hormones or 1st year highs, we wanted to make sure our lives were lining up the way we were expecting, and they did. We have been together over 10 years at this point and I’m super glad that those prior guys showed me who they were (even if it took me sometimes years to listen). That’s all I meant by that. Just giving 1 data point- my experience- the OP seems like she wants to be with this guy, and this guy doesn’t seem to be as into it, and I think he’d know by now.
anon
FWIW, I’m the anon above who apparently has serious issues, a victim complex, terrible intuition, and is in dire need of therapy and growing up, but I didn’t think your comment veered into that territory. It was the Anon who followed you.
Ellen
This is right. I started dating a guy at GW, who was following me around like a puppy dog, b/c everyone said I should. I really did not care that much for him, but I was 19. After we dated for about 6 weeks, he took me back to my dorm room, and I let him stay over b/c he lived off campus in some dump in NW DC and walking home was dangerus, he said. So the next day, even though we had only groped each other, he wanted to be exclusive. Against my better judgement, I said OK, and let him do stuff with me in bed. After a week of exclusivity, he told me a line that came out of Star Trek and I nearly fell for it. With him nuzzeling me in bed, he told me that “he wanted to go where no man had ever been before” and before I knew it, you know where he was heading. Fortunately, I was able to put the brakes on his scepter before anything happened, but this is a warning that if he agrees to exclusiveity, you MUST be ready to deal with the Star Trek line, and worse yet. let him go thru with it and do THAT! FOOEY! DOUBEL FOOEY! That is NOT for me! NO WAY, HOZE!!!!
Anon
Move on. It sucks but he’s not into you enough to pursue this.
CountC
It doesn’t matter how long we date before being exclusive, if the current situation isn’t working for you, then it’s not working for you. Have a conversation with him, tell him what your wants and needs are, and if he can’t/doesn’t want to meet them (aka doesn’t want to be exclusive) end it.
anon
How did he respond when you told him about your waiting for marriage stance? You’re absolutely entitled to make your own conditions for yourself, but you’re asking him to both commit to you and to commit to abstinence for the foreseeable future. That’s a big ask these days. Again, ask for what you want, but I think you need to recognize that you are the one setting the outside-of-the-norm conditions and I don’t really blame him for taking his time before making those commitments.
Lana Del Raygun
I blame him for not communicating openly about it, though, if that’s what’s going on.
OP, I think he’s running around and you should walk.
Eh
HARD DISAGREE– what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable. Don’t let anyone tell you this is not normal. And ESPECIALLY do not let anyone tell you that a man is entitled to string you along because your requirements are different than most women. You are perfectly allowed to ask someone to commit to you and also to commit to abstinence for the foreseeable future. THAT IS VERY REASONABLE and I don’t want this post above to make you feel weird. That’s not right. As to the guy, sadly it looks like he’s still keeping his options open and probably is not going to meet your requirements. That’s ok– someone will. Please please do not let someone on this board make you feel like you are asking too much.
Lana Del Raygun
Yes, you are not being unreasonable and you should not feel weird or bad about this!
Anon
Nobody is saying it’s not reasonable. OP gets to make that decision! But the men she dates get to make their own decisions, too, and they may not decide to commit to abstinence. If they don’t want that I’d hope they’re upfront so everybody can move on and find what they want.
Never too many shoes...
+1 to the above. If he is not also waiting for marriage and is generally used to having sex in relationships, this is an even bigger deal and it is hard to blame him for not rushing into it.
Also, I have to ask, OP you say “no gardening or anything like that” – just how little intimacy are we talking about?
Anon
Stupid question: if you really care about a woman and see it going somewhere, why on earth would you want to have s-x with some other woman?
The OP and the man she’s dating are both in their 30s. They know after 2 months if there is potential there or not.
Anonymous
Cause sex is fun! How is this confusing?
Anon
Most people think marriage is sexually exclusive, so people contemplating marriage should have the good sense to know that they eventually need to give up sex with anyone who isn’t their spouse. Sleeping with other woman during courtship is a bad sign.
Anonymous
But they aren’t in a relationship. I know eventually I want a monogamous marriage but I’m sure not giving up having sex with whoever I want when I’m not in an exclusive relationship.
Anon
That’s your prerogative, but it comes with rather obvious pitfalls.
Anonymous
Because he likes her but isn’t sure he wants to marry her and entering an undetermined period of absintence is pretty uncommon for an early 30s person male or female. Nothing wrong with it, and many people wait until things are exclusive but not a lot of people are waiting for marriage at that age.
Anonymous
I could be wrong, but I would be surprised if it weren’t still common, in one’s thirties, to enter an undetermined period of abstinence called “being single.”
Anonymous
except that’s a totally different context. Here he would not be single. He would be in an exclusive committed relationship with her with absitence for an undetermined period of time. It’s not a common situation.
Anon
This is why friends with benefits exist. Dating constantly is exhausting. If you’re single for years on end but still have needs and don’t mind a physical relationship with someone that you’re not in a romantic relationship with but still trust, why not? Benefits go both ways. I think it’s far more common for men to find some way to have their needs met outside of a defined relationship.
OP: I suspect that’s what’s going on here. He’s not ready to commit to you enough to play by your rules and may (or may not) be playing the field until he is ready. (You get to have those rules, no judgement from me, everyone makes their own decision on that front.) I agree with another poster above who mentioned that he may be online checking on you just as you are checking on him. I think it’s time to have a very open conversation. It can be very short: are you dating or talking to other people? Yes or no answer. If he is, you know where you stand and can make your decision from there. If he’s not, then you can (if you want) have a further convo about why he’s not ready to commit. FWIW, I do think it’s a bit unusual (though as I said above, totally your call!) at your age (mine too) to wait for marriage before gardening. It’s okay if that’s what you feel comfortable with, but know it may be a stumbling block for many of the men you’d otherwise like to date.
Anon
Everyone is different, but my thought has always been that I, personally, do not want to sleep with a guy while he figures out whether or not he wants to marry me. And in one’s thirties – if you’re going to get married, just get married already.
Now, my husband and I are on the same page about this, so it works for us. Other people have different thoughts and priorities. My advice is always that different systems can work well for different people, but mixing and matching systems is what can cause problems.
Anon
Towards anon at 10:37, being single does not mean being abstinent. Just because you don’t find someone you want a committed monogamous relationship with, doesn’t mean you don’t want a fun casual relationship with them. Being single does not equal abstinent.
Anon
+1
C2
As someone actively dating, I don’t think 2 months is that long, to be honest. I don’t like that he wants to spend the whole weekend with you but won’t commit, but it’s more like a yellow flag to me and not a “get out now” thing. Yet. But I think it’s time to get to the bottom of it.
Problem 1: You’re going on the dating app to check up on him. I’ve totally done this. It’s really not a great move but it underlies that you don’t totally trust him, which, ok, it’s been 2 months so trust but verify. By going on the app, if he’s checking your status just like you’re checking his, he’s seeing you as active, too.
Have you actually talked about this? “Hey, so it’s maybe a little too early to put a definition on this relationship, it feels like we’re taking things slowly. I want to let you know I haven’t totally deleted my apps but I’m not seeing anyone else actively right now. Where are you at?”
Anonymous
Disagree that two months isn’t that long. Not that long in your 20s but in your early 30s you know who you are and want you want. 2 months or 8-10 dates is plenty of time to see if there is good potential for the long term and decide to be exclusive. Not moving on is wasting time with the wrong guy.
Anonymous
Instead of framing this as what is reasonable to expect from him (being on the dating app or not), think about what is reasonable to expect for yourself. Do you want to be with someone who is not dating other people after 2 months? That is perfectly fine! Just tell him that is what you want and move on! Do you want to date someone who gives you your space on the weekends? You can ask for that too, of anyone, not just this guy.
Having said all this, I do want to gently point out that in many circles, waiting for marriage to garden is highly unusual. Unless your dating app is specifically targeted at people for whom this is the case, I think that you will have a hard time meeting someone who is on the same page. My suggestion would be to focus your dating efforts with folks who are on the same page as you. I hope you are already doing this but my guess from the context of your question is that you might not be. Waiting for after marriage is the right choice for you, but it is also a deal-breaker for a lot of people. Weed them out early.
Lana Del Raygun
This is a great re-frame.
Anon
This. Make your boundaries clear (gardening, marriage, weekend plans, commitment…) according to your needs and wants, and weed out the ones who aren’t compatible with you early.
I found that since online dating has people with vastly differing experiences, expectations (to be clear: NOT that you have to conform to them), etc., it was very confusing for me in the beginning for a few years. I found that it’s helpful to sit down and talk about your expectations and needs rather than assuming or guess-working. Frankly, I have dated various guys of various ages (26-35) for 2+ months for entire weekends (+ weekdays) without defining the relationship, but didn’t push the conversation if I didn’t know if I wanted to commit to the person. I usually had the “what are we” conversation if I wanted the date to become an exclusive relationship, which for me is not necessarily the same as “I want to marry this person” (admittedly I am not married, but I found that I have to be in an “exclusive” relationship (even if it isn’t a “serious” one yet, whatever that means) in order for me to feel secure in the relationship enough to develop it. Asking the ask sometimes didn’t work out (the guy wasn’t ready, wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, wasn’t THAT into me, and yes it hurts), sometimes it did, but either way it was helpful and didn’t leave me in a limbo.
Anon100
So… I’m coming from 2 viewpoints here but hear me out, and of course your mileage will vary:
1) I totally agree with everyone else that if he’s active on the dating app and he’s not yet ready to be exclusive but you are, you should do what’s best for you, which may be walk away from this guy.
1.5) the no gardening thing may be driving him to not want to be exclusive. Have you brought this up with him?
2) Personally I think 2 months is a bit fast, but I have current baggage about this. My now-ex became exclusive with his now-gf after 2 months of meeting/dating, which is also EXACTLY TWO MONTHS AFTER WE BROKE UP this past November. (my ex and i weren’t exactly exclusive until at least a year of dating, but my ex and I met in our mid-20s so we had the advantage of time and inexperience of youth back then…) Me, my ex, and his new gf we are all in our early 30s.
Anon
Have you communicated your stance on gardening? I’m single, but a frequent gardener with gardening gloves and if I met someone who wanted to abstain until marriage, it would be a hard pass for me, easily. Absolutely no judgment on your decision. Everyone is different and their views are valid, but I think you’re better off finding someone who shares your view on this. It may be the reason he is holding off and still dating. I don’t think you can expect an active gardening man to abstain. If you want a relationship where he can garden elsewhere that may work. Just talk to him about it rather than waste both of your time.
Anon
So there’s a lot of him deciding in your posts but what about you deciding? You decide if you want to be with someone who is still not exclusive with you at two months. You decide if you want to make yourself available all weekend for someone who is still looking to date other people. Just like you decided that no intimacy before marriage is the right thing for you.
(By the way, since that is an unusual stance in today’s dating world, I would advise you to be as upfront about it as you can be, and really think you should try to limit your dating pool to your own religious community if you are not already doing that. I’d also give yourself some leeway to decide whether you’d change your mind about that if you do meet someone you’d like to have s3x with – again, you decide. Not your parents, not your community, not your bible, but YOU.)
Anon
“I’d also give yourself some leeway to decide whether you’d change your mind about that if you do meet someone you’d like to have s3x with – again, you decide. Not your parents, not your community, not your bible, but YOU.”
Why do you assume that a woman who is abstinent can’t think for herself and had her parents make that decision for her??? She’s in her thirties, for fcks sake!
That is so crazy condescending. Would you tell a woman in her thirties to not let her parents or Cosmo make her decisions about sex or being a working mom?
Never too many shoes...
Because statistically she probably has those beliefs due to her family indoctrinating her into their religious crap as a child and now she is carrying a bunch of patriarchal garbage about the worth of her virginity through adulthood?
Anononymous
No. Stop. This is one of the worst comments I’ve ever read here. There is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage to have sex, it’s not “patriarchal garbage” to only want to have intimacy in the context of a marriage, and you shouldn’t assume her family “indoctrinated her” with “religious crap.” This is offensive on so many levels to so many people. (Not personally religious and lost my virginity long before marriage, fwiw).
Anonymous
@ Never Too Many Shoes — I grew up in one of those religious communities and completely agree with you.
Anon
Grow up, Never Too Many Shoes.
Anononymous
THIS! I very much did not wait until marriage, but I think the comment at 12:14 is horrible. This guy is an a-hole who seems to be trying to pressure her into sex before marriage, so she should reconsider her stance on premarital sex?! Wtf no. She should find a different guy. The stuff about the bible and religion is also kind of presumptuous. I had two friends who waited until marriage or engagement (which happened for both around age 30) and neither one of them was religious or an active member of a “religious community.” It is kind of offensive to assume that religion is the only reason for waiting or that a 30-something woman can’t make up her own mind about this.
Anon
You’d think a comment advising a woman to have personal agency would be more popular around here.
Anon
The assumption is that she doesn’t have personal agency, and that assumption is rooted in bigotry.
As I said above, would you tell a thirty-something woman who is into casual sex that she should make her own decision and rethink this, and not let Cosmo do her thinking for her?
Anon
Thanks all. I appreciate your diverse input. Upon further reflection, it does seem that I have been neglecting my own needs and interests. I plan to have a conversation with him soon to figure out whether he is seeing other people and plan to limit hang-out time to one day/one evening instead of the whole weekend going forward. Because we have been spending so much time together, I have become too emotionally attached to him, not to mention that I am forsaking opportunities to date other people who might have more similar values as me in the meantime. But I plan to give him until end of Feb before ending it. 3 months should be enough for both of us to know.
Curious
This is a classy response.
ThirdLove
Worth it? I don’t see an comments about it on here since the summer, and the one thread was not positive.
Anonymous
I am smallish and will try on my next re-order — 30D/32C, which is hard to find but they have.
Belle at Cap Hill Style has liked them, so worth a shot for me to try.
Hazel
I have 3 ThirdLove bras and love them; the 24/7 bra really is the most comfortable I’ve had in years. Not fond of the underwear, though.
Anonymous
I got one last year. For whatever reason (I’m in my 30s! My retirement plan is no longer a Princess Diana Beanie Baby!) I decided to splash out on a nicer bra and Thirdlove was all over my podcasts. According to their little quiz I have in fact been wearing the correct bra size. Except I guess I am not? My n*pples kept falling out whenever I bent over. I had problems with the shipping when I first ordered it (customer service was nice though) and I just threw the expensive (for me) bra in a drawer and forgot about it. I’m back to bra shopping in TJ Maxx, etc.
Anon
This is a really odd comment. I did not like or keep the two styles of Thirdlove bras I tried, I didn’t love the fabric and the hold wasn’t there for me. They have a 60 day wash-and-wear guarantee so you can make sure it fits in the long run, wear and wash it several times, and send it back for a full refund if it doesn’t ultimately work. I get that some people are lazy and don’t return things in a timely manner, but clearly the size in that style was wrong for her and there’s no reason this commenter needed to keep an expensive bra that didn’t fit. I think Thirdlove is a solid brand with good customer service, their product just doesn’t suit me. I know several of my friends like their bras, so there’s no risk to trying them out if you’re curious.
Anonymous
There is a risk… that a person is too lazy (or forgets!) to return within the window. Companies with this kind of return policy are definitely working on the assumption that a lot of people just won’t bother with a return.
Suburban
Mine are in the mail,so I’ll let you know!
kk
I bought a few of the pushup bras. I liked that they had a gentle and soft lift- it wasnt like I was strapping dramatic pointy pillows to my chest. And of course as soon as I decided I liked them, they stopped making that style.
I think they’re on par with Hanro, Natori, Soma, and other “good” bras. The wires never poked out, even after two+ years of wear, and while the bands stretched out (as all bras do) the straps are still good as new. On one, the edge of the cup curled over in front- I’ve never found a good way to avoid that on any bra, expensive or not. I’m not shouting from the rooftops about these bras, but they’re pretty good and if the pushup comes back, I’ll happily buy more.
Anon
I love their 24/7 bras. Have worn them for several years and am on my sixth one. I’m a 34A. Not a fan of the strapless bra or their underwear. (Underwear is actually some of the worst I’ve worn. Ever.)
anon0321
I ordered and didn’t love the fit enough to justify the price, so I returned them- however, they have an absolutely awesome return policy, and so I would definitely recommend trying them out. It was such a good experience for me, that now that they have rolled out more sizes (& will roll even more out in a few weeks), I’m definitely going to give them another try once I’m done b-feeding.
Anon
They might work if you’re a very standard fit. But they use a pretty outdated sizing method. Check out a bra that fits on redd1t and see what your size is under a more accurate system. I buy European bras on amazon now using my European method size, and three are super comfortable because they actually fit me.
Anon
*they not three
Anon
The reddit method only works on those hard to find European sizes, though . Their sizing model is right for *their bras*, not other brands.
Anon
That is not true at all. The sizing method works for all sizes. European bra makers offer a wider range of sizes while American bra makers try to literally shove all wearers into a narrow range of sizes.
Lana Del Raygun
I did not find the reddit method helpful at all, fwiw. It was a huge hassle and none of the suggested bras fit me, all in different ways that allegedly suggested different things.
Anon
They wouldn’t ship to Alaska when I first was interested in buying from them and now charge an outrageous amount so I will never know.
lady shallot
dilemmas today- wfh today and i have a jar of shallot marmelade that i need yo use up. what’s a good cheese pairing and any other recipes that would go well with this?
Ms B
Aged gouda. I would do cheese and marmalade, with another cheese (either a mild goat, a creamy Brie or St. Andre, or a bleu), some salamis, ham, little pickles and crackers as a “toothpick supper”, but that’s how my house rolls.
If you wanted to do an actual meal, you could do either minestrone soup or seared ham steak, mashed chipotle sweet potatoes and some sauteed broccolini.
Writing this, plus the cold weather, is making me snacky.
anon a mouse
I would make a grilled cheese sandwich with hearty multi-grain bread, sharp cheddar, shallot jam and tomato slices.
Anonymous
I want this
Vicky Austin
Not drooling at work at all. (God I love so-called grownup versions of so-called kid foods.)
Anon
Seriously, “grown up” grilled cheese is, like, the best thing ever.
Anonymous
Gruyere! Sounds like a good day for quiche to me, if you have the ingredients. Maybe throw some mushrooms in there as well.
anon0321
Trader Joe’s unexpected cheddar would be so good with this!
Anon
Put it on a roast beef sandwich yum
Anon
I was recently called out on something by a former coworker and I am wondering if I did something inappropriate.
After 10+ years working in small offices in a small town I finally applied for (and accepted) a position with a large company in a large city. I had to put together a resume for this position-something that was not previously needed due to the limited size of the professional community. While I had a few short term jobs right after graduation, I became very specialized in a niche area during past 8+ years and I have obtained advanced certifications that very few people in my field have. When I put together my resume I omitted one of my first employers because I only worked there for less than two months before realizing that the practice area was not a good fit. I still have a wonderful personal relationship with this employer but since that position was so short term and not related to my current field I did not think it was relevant to include.
Was this inappropriate to do? I know that my former coworker is taking my relocation personally, but I have been overthinking whether I did something wrong in this situation.
Anonymous
100% appropriate, it would have been odd to include. Ask AAM always says, your resume is a marketing document, not a day-by-day or even year-by-year accounting of your life.
Cat
You were perfectly within your rights to leave it off and I would have done the same thing. A resume isn’t a background check, it’s meant to highlight your relevant experience. As long as you didn’t lie (i.e., extend the dates of the adjacent jobs to cover the 2-month gap) you’re good.
Anonymous
+1 Bar applications are very specific on this, as are FBI background checks. A resume is neither. Also, from a 10b5 perspective, I don’t think that this omission is material or in any way deceptive.
One summer in law school I worked for a judge. I didn’t get paid. I babysat and waited tables at night and on weekends — I didn’t put that on my resume for law jobs (but would have had I been seeking more restaurant employment).
Monday
Nope. Ask A Manager says this all the time: a resume is a marketing document, not a mandatory exhaustive list of all of your work experience. It’s totally normal to leave off short and/or irrelevant positions.
K
Its definitely reasonable to leave off employers from early in your career unless they were super significant. I think this is fine. Good luck!
Anonymous
You did it right. I would even go one step further and say that leaving short, unrelated jobs from way in the past can look naive. It depends of course, but I’ve seen resumes that have the Dairy Queen job from high school for 30 something professionals and it makes the applicant look a bit clueless.
Anonymous
Why does your former coworker even know about this?
Anon
+1
Don’t talk about job hunting with people.
Anon
What? That’s ridiculous. Of course you should talk about job hunting with people, that’s how you find out about openings you might not have known of or your connections will drop your name when they’re having conversations or who even knows what doors might open because you’re talking about wanting to move on. This is terrible advice.
Idea
This. Any part – your actual background, your resume, or how you applied to your new job. My parents and partners do not even have all of these facts all of the time.
Anon
This is so normal that I wonder what’s up with your former co-worker being upset about it. Also, same question about relocation.
Anon
This is an adorably sheltered question.
Anon
Ugh such a rude response!
K
Good morning from the Polar Vortex!
I was only outside for maybe 3 minutes walking from my car to my building but it HURT. Stay warm out there.
Housecounsel
I salute you for going in at all. I work from home, which will be challenging with two (older) kids home from school, but my husband’s law firm closed down.
ANP
Polar vortex here too. In fact, between snow and cold days off my kids will have been to school one day in the last week as of tomorrow (and because I work at their school, I will have the same ratio of home to work days). They’ve been pretty good all considering, but WOW is it brutal out there! I’m ready to get back to our normal routine.
Never too many shoes...
So, what’s the temp where are the ‘rettes are located?
Toronto is presently -32 with the windchill (-25.6 F).
Anon
It’s actually quite pleasant in Ottawa today! Only -19C (-2F) with the windchill! Balmy compared to last week when it was -35.
Cold Canadian
Yes, it feels really warm out today! And the snow was not as bad yesterday as I thought it was going to be.
Equestrian Attorney
I’m in Montreal and it’s -18C (which is about 0F) with windchill, and sunny. Move to Canada, it’s warm!
Anon
Not Canadian (-24 with windchill in southern Ohio) but during the last polar vortex I ordered a pair of Pajar snow boots and I salute you, Quebecois, for creating kickass boots. I ordered direct from the company and they were kind of a pain to deal with, but the boots are unbelievably warm and grippy.!
Anonymous
Also Canadian. The issue is the affected states are having temps dramatically lower than their normal for which their infrastructure/transport is built. It’s all relative to what’s normal for an area. Heck, in my area, we’d probably have a heat emergency if it ever cracked 100F.
K
-6F in Michigan, but with the wind chill its -29F, apparently.
Housecounsel
– 22 in Chicago.
Anon
The best meme I saw going around yesterday was “Fed-up Minnesotan finally considers moving somewhere warm. Like Michigan.”
KS IT Chick
Eastern Kansas …. Currently 3, feels like -9. My husband laughed at me winding the cashmere scarf around my head before I put on my coat, but I could breath through it and not feel like my lungs were going to freeze.
Mpls
-27F this morning. Without windchill. Haven’t checked to see what the windchill is, though I think we got -57F. It’s warmed up to -21 so far.
Anon
Please put this on the Canadians Bragging site not this one thanks
Anon
It’s currently air temp -27 at my house in St. Paul, MN with a windchill of -50.
I’m hoping to make it to the gym later when it warms up to -15 in the afternoon. Partially because I’m getting cabin fever and partially because I want to sit in the sauna for a while.
Mpls
High five. WFH this morning, and in later to the office once it warms up enough (-15) that my car isn’t totally angry at me.
Mpls
But, it’ll be +40F on Saturday. So, yay for 70 degree temperature swings?
Anon
I’m thrilled and confused by the weather pattern shifts, even I’m headed far north for a wedding where it will be only +30 :D
Vicky Austin
Us too, or nearly. Yowza. Can’t wait for the roads!
anon
and it looks like it’ll be back to subzero ‘highs’ on Monday. Wild.
Not that Anne, the other Anne
Yeah, walking from the parking lot into the building was … unpleasant. And there is an igloo on my weather app.
MSP
Suburban Minneapolis: Actual temperature -30, wind chill -50.
Vicky Austin
A state that ends in Dakota (and not even in the worst part of said state): -9, but apparently -29 windchill. The weirdest part is that we’re forecast to get above freezing day after tomorrow. The “looking ahead” part of my weather app is a perfect bell curve right now.
Anonymous
Speaking of the Dakotas: Is anyone else a rabid Laura Ingalls Wilder fan who can’t understand how the books repeatedly mention temps of -40F on the prairie, but the area near De Smet, SD very rarely gets that low today even if measured as wind chill? I’ve been to De Smet – it’s not like the difference can be pinned on urban density causing temps to rise. I’ve been paying attention to the weather reports for that area since I was a kid — in my 40s now– so the recent acceleration in climate change is not the explanation. Was it all hyperbole??
I’ve tried to research this question before with no luck. Maybe Vicky Austin or others from the area can help a superfan/weather nerd out?
Vicky Austin
I’m not from here originally, so I don’t know it like a born-and-raiseder would. I do know that some weird weather stuff goes on up here – things like the Black Hills Remarkable Temperature Change of 1943, in which temperatures went just short of 0 to 60 and back again in about 20 minutes, no joke. When you read about the Remarkable Temperature Change (which is just such a priceless name for something), you read that there’s a warm stretch across the Midwest and Black Hills called the Banana Belt, caused by the Chinook winds (which also come up a lot in LIW books). Maybe the air currents have shifted somehow, to put De Smet in the way of warm winds they weren’t always in the way of, or other urban areas are affecting the currents’ path? Do air currents shift? I am not a scientist, in case you can’t guess. Interesting to ponder though!
Anon
I grew up not terribly far from Sleepy Eye and Walnut Grove, MN. My ancestors were here in the 1880s, and while I don’t have any specific stories during that time, I’ve seen the pictures of trains unable to pass due to snow and anecdotal stories about people getting lost and freezing to death between their house and barn during blizzards, so they would tie a string between the two to follow.
Here are some interesting jumping off points:
http://littlehouseontheprairie.com/wilder-weather-an-interview-with-barbara-mayes-boustead/
http://digitalcommons.unl.edu/natresdiss/98/
http://www.startribune.com/the-long-hungry-winter-of-laura-ingalls-wilder/244068281/
Anononymous
I know nothing about South Dakota, but the country as a whole is a lot warmer than it was in LIW’s time. My mom grew up in Maine in the 1960s (so well after the prairie times) and it was rare to have summertime high temperatures over 75. When I visited growing up in the 1980s, it was pretty common to have highs in the low to mid 80s. Now when I visit with my daughter, it’s regularly in the mid to upper 80s. The Gulf of Maine is one of the parts of the US most affected by climate change, but still, it’s a thing that relatively sparsely populated places have noticeably warmed in a couple of generations.
Also I know the windchill index got changed fairly recently and it’s now harder to get an extremely cold windchill (ie -40 today is maybe what -60 used to be) so that probably accounts for some of it.
Unicorn
Wasn’t there a global mini ice age during that time period? Hence all the snow in Dickensian England?
lsw
Pittsburgh, currently 5, windchill -20 according to the radio (but I didn’t think it felt quite that bad!)
anon
Yaya we get it, Canada is TEH COLDEST! But also, you get to be Canadian and have Justin Trudeau and socialized medicine, so there’s that. :)
DC area- It’s like 36 here and school was delayed, which I think even for what we were prepared for, was a little ridiculous. Keep warm everyone, no matter what you consider warm to be.
Anon
I could put up with a lot of cold for Justin Trudeau, just sayin’
anon
Yeah, but they also have to have Justin Beiber…
anon
They had Justin Beiber when he was cute… now we have him as an adult hot mess too, lol.
Saguaro
71° F today in the beautiful southwest.
Anonymous
Very Suburban Minneapolis and it was sixty one below zero this morning.
My house was making extremely loud cracking and popping noises all night and keeping me up.
Anon
Yikes! My friends in Rochester, MN also reported -61 wind chill.
Senior Attorney
OMG you guys. I am a life-long Southern Californian and I truly and literally cannot even begin to imagine what those temps must feel like! Be careful out there and stay warm, everybody!
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
Minneapolis, -27 with -50 windchill. I’m wearing Uniqlo heattech tights under two of the Uniqlo ultra warm leggings with a turtleneck t-shirt and wool sweater dress.
professional photo dilemma!
I am taking professional photos for work tomorrow. One is for the website and the other is for my book jacket (!!) They will only be from waist up. There will be two backgrounds 1) awful white 2) outside. I’m not as worried about the outside pic, though ideally just want to pick one outfit and call it a day. Last time I tried, I wore a bright blue sleeveless dress and I didn’t love the results (and also didn’t like showing my arms). So I’m thinking a dress, blouse, or light sweater and blazer. I have blonde hair, green eyes, and warm skin tone. I rarely wear reds, pinks, or purples and prefer neutral colors (which wash me out) and emerald green and blues. They suggested no black, so navy blazer? Gray? Tan? They also suggested no patterns but maybe a pattern blouse under the blazer would look nice? I work at a university so I can wear whatever I want – I don’t want to look too buttoned up (if I were a man, I would not wear a suit or tie but probably a blazer and button up with the top buttons open). Suggestions welcome!! (I have already looked through this website’s advice on the subject, but am looking for new ideas) Also I live in the South so weather is NOT a factor.
Anon
1. Jewel tones.
2. Buy a decent bottle of wine. Invite your best friend over tonight. Have her take pictures of you in various outfits.
3. Look through the university website and at other book jackets to find a look you like.
Anon
I don’t know that I’d suggest a bottle of wine the night before a photo shoot, but ymmv.
Anon
Consider skipping the jacket. When my firm did photos (admittedly not the same as a university), only the female associates wore suits with pearls. The female partners? Rocking beautiful dresses or blouses with interesting statement necklaces and scarves, all in great colors like eggplant and cobalt and rust, etc. My first photo (in a suit with a white blouse) turned out absolutely dreadful. When I re-took it, I wore this dress in green with a statement necklace.
https://www.anntaylor.com/seamed-v-neck-ponte-sheath-dress/479667
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I had a bunch of headshots taken not long ago and by far my favorites were the ones in a v-neck magenta dress. The ones with blouses and jackets didn’t even come close.
headshot thoughts
this is maybe obvious, but when I had to get new headshots (also an academic), I found it helpful to look at other people at other institutions’ headshots to see what I liked. I think blue is generally a safe bet, but emerald would also be nice. A smallish/uniform pattern under a blazer seems fine. I wore a blazer with tiny dots (from BR outlet) and it looked fine. I always find it disconcerting how shoulder pads look on my (I have disproportionately small shoulders), so I’ve found a softer or collarless blazer looks better. also prefer long sleeves. don’t wear weird earrings — that was my mistake this time around. if you’re in the humanities, it seems like our headshots tend a little more towards flair, so something like a scarf or a pattern would be okay (v. the very conservative advice for like law firm headshots).
For the book jacket, keep in mind that they may want a black and white picture as well (so, same headshot but adjusted to black and white).
kk
Are you my southern twin sister? I have worked in higher ed, I have similar coloring to you, and I have had this problem! When I tried wearing a suit or even something with multiple layers/collars, it was tough to get everything to lie correctly. I would wear a very simple and well tailored dress, maybe in a boatneck or wider V neck. Navy, eggplant, forest green – all would be complimentary in both backgrounds. I’d have a blowout, slightly more contrast to makeup than usual (slightly darker lips, brows, blush, etc) as the lighting could wash you out. Don’t hesitate to ask to see the photos as they’re being taken, or ask the photographer to tell you if your hair is sticking out any funny way. Good luck!
Rainbow Hair
How do you feel about a rich purple? I have green eyes and warm pale skin (but dark hair) and I think purple looks great on me. It also would likely stand out well against a green/outside background. I have at least three purple sleeved dresses that get a ton of wear.
Anonymous
Hoping you ladies can help– moved out of NYC 3 years ago and suddenly needed a car. Leased a new Honda back then. I knew leasing wasn’t the best financial decision, but I really wasn’t sure if I’d do ok with the new job and in case I had to move back to NYC, I didn’t want the hassle of selling a car (or the expense of parking it in Manhattan).
So that lease is up in a month. My goal now is to buy a car in cash so I’m done with payments for a while. I assumed I’d buy the car I have. Price to buy right now = 13.5k (that’s also the residual value in the original contract). Out of curiosity, I looked at KBB using my car’s specs AND at what the dealer is selling the new 2018 version of the same car at right now (they list prices for every car on the lot right now.) KBB minimum value for dealer sale = 11.5k. New 2018 w my exact specs = 19.9k. Say the dealer is willing to buy/trade in my leased car at 9k (a 2.5k discount on the KBB value) and sell me a new car at the listed 19.9k. Does that mean that I’m writing a check for 10.9k for a 2018 OR writing a 13.5k check for my 2016?
I feel like I’m missing something. How can it be cheaper to get a new car than to keep my old one – is this why everyone says leasing is a bad deal (not just the lack of equity)? Or is there some catch where the dealer who knows the terms of my lease will just never trade in for this much? Or do dealers just not buy cars off of leases?
Is this something that I can do? I.E. can I even “trade in” a leased car where I don’t even hold the title because the lessor/bank has it right now? If a dealer were to buy it, how would they go about getting the title? Appreciate any help you can provide. If I do this I want to “say the right words” to the dealer so I get a reasonable deal and they can’t take advantage of a NYC person they know just doesn’t get it.
Anonymous
The dealer won’t pay you anything to turn in your car off the lease! You don’t own it.
C2
This is 100% untrue. Leases are weird in the car world, OP has several several options. I’m not going to comment on this in general because I’m not an expert, but you absolutely can.
Anonymous
Thanks! I knew I was wrong.
Anonymous
This is why everyone says leasing is a bad deal. It rarely makes sense to buy the car off the lease. People who lease usually just turn in their vehicle and lease a new one for another couple years.
Anon
Except it isn’t. I’ve leased for years and it’s a great deal when: you don’t drive a lot (relatively low mileage is under 30k over a 3 year lease), and you stick to the same dealer/kind of car. I’m now 4 cycles of leasing the same general kind of car from the same dealer and I don’t make any down payments, have a low monthly cost ($350 for a very nice car), no surprise repairs and all maintenance is covered under warranty for the life of the lease. It’s great having a fixed car cost that I can easily budget for. My time is also worth something – not hassling with dealing with an old car or trading in something I bought that depreciated plus having capital to do other things (home repair/improvement rather than say dumping that into a car down payment) all can make financial sense. Leasing has changed a lot over the years and to dismiss it without understanding it or your personal circumstances is a mistake.
Anonymous
Except you have a “low monthly cost” forever.
Anon
Don’t kid yourself that you don’t spend the same when buying. Add up what you put down, what you spent to finance it, and what you pay to fix it. Leasing is either marginally more, often equal and sometimes less depending on what you lease. And you never have surprises with a lease.
Anonymous
this. at least with buying you have an assert. Don’t buy more than you can afford and you don’t need to finance.
It’s like real estate in that some people just prefer to rent for life and not have to deal with home ownership and car ownership hassles which I can understand.
Anon
Except unlike real estate, a car is a depreciating asset. I’m the anon saying at least look at leasing and be informed rather than knee jerk dismiss it. FWIW, I invest in real estate and own my home but I’d never buy a car.
Anonymous
Cars don’t depreciate that much after the first few years. But it depends on whether you’re willing to drive the same car for 10+ years. Doesn’t bother me in the least and I’d much rather spend money on travel vs. leasing.
Anon
I do agree bough that buying your car off lease rarely to never makes sense. The exception case is where you end up going way over your contracted miles such that the residual is much less than contracted for.
Anon
Other things to know – you don’t have to lease a new car, you can lease used cars too. I would do certified pre-owned and make sure mechanical issues are still under warranty. This can reduce your costs greatly. It’s also cheaper to lease cars on the lot than to order new ones with your specs.
anon a mouse
Yeah the dealer won’t give you anything for turning your car in. You’ve essentially been renting your car from them. They own it. If you like the car, you could try to negotiate to get it for $11.5. Or you can buy a new car for whatever price you can negotiate. But you have no equity here, no skin in the game.
Anon
“Say the dealer is willing to buy/trade in my leased car at 9k (a 2.5k discount on the KBB value) and sell me a new car at the listed 19.9k. Does that mean that I’m writing a check for 10.9k for a 2018 OR writing a 13.5k check for my 2016?”
Yes. You do both. You pay the dealer you leased from $13.5k to purchase your current car, because you cannot sell what you do not own, and then you buy the current vehicle for purchase value minus trade in price.
Anonymous
Why would she do that? She’d be out 4,500, the difference between the price she paid for the leased car and the trade-in value.
Anon
Because she wants a newer car, I guess?
Anon
She should not, for exactly that reason. But it is the plan she is proposing, so I wanted to outline the math.
Anon
Continuing that thought: the OP seems to think she can get a $19k car for $10k or $13k (approx), because of her lease. Her plan does not acknowledge that she has to actually buy her current leased vehicle in order to do that, which would mean she’s buying two cars, then selling one to finance the other.
Florida at Easter
Any suggestions for a Florida beach resort/condos around Easter with a great beach? Looking for something with a full kitchen in suite but also a restaurant or two on site. Traveling with both kids and grandparents but not looking for something totally kid focused. Maybe Siesta Key area? Haven’t been to Florida in years and totally overwhelmed with the options!
Cold Canadian
I always used VRBO when I was staying on Siesta Key or LongBoat Key during Easter.
The places always had full kitchen facilities, but no restaurants on site (but within walking distance and there are shuttles into the town).
Anonymous
Thanks! Any specific spots to suggest?
JuniorMinion
Haven’t been in a while but the Cedars at Longboat key is reasonable because its bay side but easy walk / drive to multiple beaches. Places are condos / townhome style and have a variety of sizes. Also the tennis courts are awesome and you get to play on them if you stay there…Last time I was there there was a basic lunch place / restaurant on site.
Siesta key is largely on a main road (Anna Maria Hwy) and gets a little bit louder than LBK does. There are restaurants, but I haven’t seen the types of inclusive resorts that you would have in say Miami / Palm Beach.
Longboat key is very quiet, residential and very wealthy and as such there aren’t a lot of resort type places other than condos / a couple motels (there is a holiday inn) / VRBO type options. Beaches are the most beautiful here though in my opinion.
For restaurants you are largely looking at St. Armands circle (which doesn’t have a gulf beach I don’t think – faces the bay) which has some good places as well as Sarasota has some good restaurants. (both are 5-20 mins away)
Other stuff that is cool: Marie Selby botanical gardens, Ringling museum (Ringling bros circus started in Sarasota and their original home still sits on the property of the museum).
In House Lobbyist
Try to not book on VRBO – they have insane service fees for travelers now. Try to google the house name and city to find the owner/property manager to book with them directly. Another place to look for Florida is Florida Rentals. You should also look for Facebook rental groups in your area. They don’t charge service fees. We have a vacation rental in Florida so I have learned a lot about this the last few years.
Anonymous
Having spent my angsty teen years in Sarasota, I can say that you are unlikely to find anything totally kid focused around there – more the opposite, as it is a major retirement community. Sorry I can’t offer specific condo recs. All of the beaches around there are lovely. Turtle Beach on Siesta Key is probably the least nice, but it’s fine. I used to prefer going to some of the public beach access points further north than the main Siesta Key Beach because they were less crowded, but they may also be unguarded, and now that I live in NYC I am sure I would not consider Siesta Key crowded. Venice Beach doesn’t have the lovely white sand–which is also impossible to brush off–but it does have tons of shark teeth. (I wouldn’t stay in Venice but it is worth a day trip). Mote Marine Lab and the Ringling Museum are cool.
Anonymous
Thanks! This is very helpful.
Cringe
How does one file a complaint against an ALJ judge? Does it matter that he was pushing his religious agenda on to me after the formal hearing and I don’t think my hearing decision is affected as a result?
I was at a hearing yesterday and after the hearing, the judge went off the record and basically gave me advice on how I need to have 5 kids before the age of 35 and the law would always be there for me to get back to when I had fulfilled my child rearing duties as a woman. I had to keep reminding myself to just nod and not cringe or say anything because a decision will not be issued until after I left the room.
Anon
File a complaint with your state bar. The state bar can then determine whether a reprimand, etc. is necessary. You are probably not the only person that has gotten this speech from him.
Anon
Wait, what? What ALJ was this? What government agency did he represent?
Anon
All of the branches that hire ALJs have an internal complaint process. Write everything up while it’s still fresh in your mind, then wait to submit until after the decision is issued.
Was it Social Security? I’m most familiar with that practice area. When I’ve filed complaints, I filed with the national office, cc to the HOALJ and the RALJ (Hearing Office lead judge, and regional office head ALJ, respectively.)
Anon
I would file a complaint with any bars to which he is a member and with the inspector general of the agency he is at.
Anon
Motion to ban the phrase “if that makes sense” for women speaking on conference calls, in meetings, and on podcasts. I hear this all the time now and it’s such an annoying, unconfident verbal tic. I speak up only because I don’t know if women realize they’re doing it as often as they are (was on a call yesterday where a woman said it 5-6 times).
anon
Huh. I don’t interpret it that way. I use it if I’m explaining a challenging concept to a client that’s my in area of expertise but not theirs. Trying to communicate from lawyer —> smart non lawyer about the intricacies of federal/state jurisdiction issues in regulatory compliance can be a bit tricky and it’s sometimes tough to know how much detail to use to effectively communicate with each individual. I use that as an opportunity for the client to let me know if … it makes sense.. without saying “do you have any questions?” (because they usually freeze up and don’t know exactly what to ask or how, even though the concepts haven’t quite gelled) or just not saying anything at all, but they still don’t really understand.
Anonymous
Off topic, but consider phrasing “now, what questions do you have?” or something like that. A lot of people freeze when they hear “yes/no” questions (“Do you…?”), but they stop and think if you ask an open-ended question.
lydia
or “what questions do you still have?” I got this from some random pedagogy book (I’m a professor) but I find it does work better at getting people to ask things. The “still” creates more of an opening to clarify. this works less as the softening particle/interjection, though (I agree with Anon and Rainbow Hair below…)
anon
That phrase would work at the end of a presentation or long spiel, but it’s clunky in the middle of a back-and-forth dialogue. Plus, it doesn’t eliminate the issue when they just don’t know a specific question to ask, even though they don’t 100% understand what we’re talking about yet. They don’t know what they don’t know. Like Anonymous said below, these are complex concepts and I need to make sure that they understand what I’m saying before I move onto the next thing. So, “does that make sense?” or “.., if that makes sense” is just a quick way to gauge that we’re still on the same page. It can be tough sometimes, especially with new clients or over the phone where you can’t read body language and facial expressions, to be sure that you’re speaking at the right level– does this person need the nitty gritty, the 10,000 foot version, or the 30,000 foot version? I’m quite confident in my subject matter knowledge, and I’m very good at explaining it. I just know it’s tough to grasp and I’m dumping a lot of info on people.
Anon
It’s not a tic, it’s a coping mechanism we’ve had to develop to get along, be “nice” and make ourselves heard. Don’t think we don’t know we’re doing it or presume there isn’t a good reason. Signed, person living in the real corporate world, not the imaginary perfect one I’d prefer.
Rainbow Hair
Yeap! It’s something I add when my read is that I’ve come on unlikeably strong/confident/knowledgable.
Anon
Then you should stop doing it and make people get used to the idea that women can be (gasp) strong, confident, and knowledgeable.
Eh
That’s easier said than done. I’d love people to get used to a LOT of ideas that women are, you know, people… but I’m not willing to pay the personal price for their education. Does that make sense? Should I put some emojis at the end of this message so I’m not too cold/brusque/aggressive? :) :) :)
Anon
Again, I am successful in the real world not the aspirational one.
Anon
That’d be great but I operate in the real world and do these things consciously to not get the comment that I’m “aggressive” or “cocky” in reviews. In a perfect world I wouldn’t need to do this, in the real world, this has been an effective strategy to combat sexism in performance reviews.
Anon
If you’re getting called cocky and aggressive in reviews because you don’t couch all your language in softening terms, then that’s a problem with your employer, not with you. I don’t use those terms and have gotten excellent reviews at all my workplaces. Of course this is just anecdata, but consider whether your employer is the problem here and not “society” or “the real world.”
As an aside, I did have a former Harvard-educated colleague who was very poised and clear in meetings and she got feedback (and denied a promotion) that included the phrase “you use too many big words in meetings and it’s confusing.” I actually believed that comment had racial undertones. Black women are always put on the defensive for either not being articulate enough or being too articulate.
Anon
To Anon at 12:02, I’m sure there are places where this isn’t the case but I have gotten this comment from multiple people at two different firms (I’m a lawyer so my reviews are from multiple bosses). I have glowing reviews otherwise/am told frequently I’m on partner track/am ranked top of my class, etc. and this is usually not presented as a ding but more of a “constructive criticism”. Making a conscious effort to couch my language has virtually eliminated these comments from reviews. It’d be great to not have to think about this but if using annoying “softer” language with fragile men eliminates the one negative on my reviews I’m not sure why I should stop doing it.
lawsuited
Yeah, except mortgage payments, daycare fees, retirement savings, etc.
Rainbow Hair
I try to balance pissing people off to make a point with being someone with whom people will choose to work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anon
Again, others are able to be successful, popular employees without verbal crutches. Certainly no one is “pissing people off” by not engaging in ladyspeak. Not sure why you’re clinging to it so hard, but I guess you know yourself best.
Rainbow Hair
Thanks for the insight on my workplace, which you’ve no doubt based on at least a few years of observing the successful (and less-successful) women and men with whom I work on a daily basis, and your nuanced understanding of the populations with which I work. ?
(I am not super attached to “if that makes sense” but I do use softening language in my speech. AND I think that “ladyspeak” shouldn’t be a bad thing.)
anon
Verbal crutches? Okay, it’s a phrase you don’t like, or at least, you didn’t like the way this woman used it. But consider maybe that the rest of us are competent enough to evaluate our use of language and that not every phrase that happens to displease you is a verbal crutch that is evidence of insecurity or incompetence. Your desperation to be right on this is pretty silly.
Anon
Thank you for calling this out! I do this to clients, not because I’m not confident that I know what I’m explaining, but because I’m not confident that I (1) read them/their understanding or not correctly (esp on the phone) or (2) explained the concept well. I think it’s overdue for me to figure out a better way to assess whether they understand. Not sure what that solution is, though.
Anonymous
I say, ‘does that make sense?’ fairly frequently. But I’m also coming from a place of being a subject matter expert and explaining new/complex topics that are fairly fact driven. I really do need to know if what I said made sense to the audience.
Lana Del Raygun
I’ve found “Does that make sense to you?” gets the response I want while making me feel and sound more assured.
vacation with mom
Due to some schedule shifting post-shutdown, I have some time to take a long weekend/short vacation with my mom in February. We’d like to go somewhere warm, must be in US (she doesn’t have a passport). Interested in beach, pool, lounging time, some shopping – comfortable but not fancy. We’d be flying from DC. Welcome any suggestions!
Anonymous
Miami.
Anononymous
Miami is perfect. Specifically One Hotel South Beach if it’s in the budget.
anon a mouse
San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Anononymous
I would not go to Puerto Rico with someone who’s never been out of the US. Yes you don’t need a passport to go, but it feels like a foreign country, with a different language and culture. It’s also like a developing country in some ways, eg drinking the tap water is not recommended for visitors. Someone who (presumably) has never had the desire to travel outside of the US would probably be uncomfortable and out of her element there, doubly so because she’s older and change gets harder as you age. Anyway from a practical perspective, it’s a lot more expensive to get there and if all they want is beach, lounging, pool and shopping, Miami has everything they need.
Anonymous
I’m going to push back a bit here. Everyone in PR, at least in touristy areas, speaks English. I did a short trip before the hurricane and couldn’t believe how much it felt like New York with gorgeous beaches and weather. Easier to get to than Staten Island. Seriously it’s been the u.s. since 1898.
Anononymous
I love Puerto Rico and truly meant no offense, but it is very different than the 50 US states (including Hawaii, which is itself pretty different from the mainland). Yes, most people there speak good English but that’s true in Japan too. It doesn’t make it an easy place for an inexperienced traveler to go on a first trip outside the US. The native language is different, the food is different, you need to go to a travel clinic for shots beforehand, etc. The hurricane has damaged a lot of the infrastructure and made it a lot more like a developing country. The people I know who don’t have passports generally don’t have them because they don’t want to go out of their comfort zone, and I think PR would be decidedly out of the comfort zone of most Americans who have never traveled outside the country, especially if they are from a less diverse part of the US where almost everyone is white and speaks English as their native language. Of course, if OP’s mom has always wanted to travel outside the US but hasn’t been able to afford to or something like that, then PR might be great. But I think it’s pretty unlikely that’s the case.
Anonymous
“I think PR would be decidedly out of the comfort zone of most Americans who have never traveled outside the country, especially if they are from a less diverse part of the US where almost everyone is white and speaks English as their native language.”
I’m really uncomfortable with this statement. By the same logic she should avoid Miami, too. And nyc. And lots of the continental us. Op never said her mom was white or xenophobic, you read that based on her not having a passport.
Anononymous
Oh please. I never said her mom doesn’t like brown people. The official language in Miami is English, you can drink the tap water and the CDC doesn’t say you need a typhoid shot to go there. JFC.
I love to travel, but I have a lot of experience with people who haven’t traveled or haven’t traveled very much, and generally they’re anxious about new, different places, especially the older they get (not assuming her mom is ancient or anything, but if OP is old enough to be interested in this forum, her mom is probably at least 50-ish, which is old enough to get plenty set in your ways). Miami will generally be much easier to manage than Puerto Rico for someone who’s never been out of the US.
Anon
Are you kidding me? Are you suggesting that this person should live a sheltered life forever? Puerto Rico is the perfect way to expand her world. This is just the most insane thing I’ve heard all day.
Anon
Puerto Rico is a pretty cheap flight from the northeast, which may be why it is so often recommended here. The tickets I have seen are usually in the $200’s for direct flights from my city.
Anon
You’re fortunate, because to go from DC to San Juan there’s only one direct flight a day, JetBlue.
vacation with mom
OP here – San Juan would be a great option but I’m going there later this year with friends (and yes, my late-50s, major-northeast-city mom has been out of the country before and would be perfectly comfortable in a Spanish-speaking area – her passport is just expired). Thanks for the other suggestions!
anon
We are doing Charlston SC from DC.
Anonymous
Can we talk retirement — yours/parents/grandparents/relatives/friends? I feel like everyone is always saying — oh my relatives are living their best lives in retirement traveling to exotic places, 1000 friends, always busy etc. But is anyone NOT in that situation? Dad retired 10 years ago and honestly has no hobbies or interests, no friends in the area (does talk on the phone to friends/relatives across the country but that averages prob 2 hours per week total). (Other parent doesn’t have an exciting retirement but honestly does keep busy, goes out etc.) The days consist of sleeping, sitting on the couch, reading the paper for hours, surfing the internet etc. It’s an isolating kind of life, no going out etc. For years however this seemed fine, so far be it for me to say anything.
In the last few months though (in response to a few health issues — which have been/are being addressed), this has turned to — worrying about health conditions, jumping down the WebMD hole and worrying more, etc. From a medical perspective — he’s seen primary care and specialists so it’s not like physical health is being ignored. But from an emotional perspective, IDK this seems really really unhealthy.
Would you say anything? I honestly think there was 0 plan for retirement. We’re of a culture where daughters marry young, have babies etc. so I honestly think the plan was — live near our adult kids and grandkids and my friends will be my sons in law. Except it didn’t work out that way — both adult daughters live a few hundred miles away; one is single and one is childfree by choice and we’re both of an age where kids aren’t likely (nor are we suddenly going to have kids to create a hobby). Anyone else go through this? What did you say? Is this a MYOB kind of situation? We’re also of a culture where feelings aren’t talked about, plus he sees nothing wrong with googling medical conditions and worrying.
Anon
Everyone is different. At all ages.
Anonymous
Is there a community centre nearby for your culture? They may have activities which appeal to him. Honestly, part of the reason I keep my parents so involved with my kids is that otherwise they’d be sitting home watching tv all day. It motivates me to develop hobbies and interests outside my job because I don’t want to retire and have nothing to do.
Since there is a long distance issue, could you encourage him to keep busy by sending your kids things in the mail? If there is another language involved, maybe he could help your kids with learning that. My MIL videos herself reading popular children’s book in her language so our kids can watch them whenever they want.
anon
Please do not beat yourself up. I coached, coached, coached my mom with no success (“remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life; remember, you have always been happier with a routine, etc.) I have lived three miles from my 72 year old mother for six years, starting when my daughter was 10. My husband and I work full-time. Although summers seemed like too much of a commitment, I honestly thought I would pay her to pick up my daughter from elementary school and keep her for two hours/day (I have a 3 mile commute). None of that materialized. My daughter went to after-school care while my mother watched tv, ran errands and played on the internet and met a group of friends once a month for lunch. Her social media persona claims that spending time with her grandchildren is the most important thing to her, but she complained so bitterly to me each time my sister asked her to pick up her kids from school (1.5 miles from my mom’s house) that I just never asked. Her retirement since age 64 has been eye opening to me. She really did exactly what she wanted – and only what she wanted – and I do not think that has worked out particularly well. She gained 25 lbs in eight years and seems miserable but never wants to do anything active (or stop drinking milkshakes!). It breaks my heart. I hope to be in the trenches with grandchildren or something service related that requires a substantial amount of my time in retirement because people who do so seem far more satisfied.
Anonymous
I posted above but the key to making our situation work is that my mom never has my kids for 2 hours afterschool because occupying kids for that long without screentime is somehow beyond her capacity. She takes them to activities that I’ve registered them for. Chats with other SAHMs/grandmas. So school gets out at 3pm, drives kid to dance studio – dance class until 4:30pm. Drives home to her house. gives kid a snack and a bit of tv. Repeat for gymnastics/swimming/skating lessons. Plus M/F in afterschool program so my parents can go to their cottage on spring/fall 4 day weekends without affecting activites. Side benefit is freeing out our weekend from kids activities.
Anon
My in-laws are like this. MIL still works part -time but has also teaches yoga, does pottery, and is a member of a bunch of other community organizations. FIL ended up retiring early (lay off in the recession). He sits at home and watches TV and manages investments. His social life has always been through his wife, so he does not really have friends on his own. He never really considered hobbies important. MIL and the rest of the family have tried to get FIL to get hobbies/interests, but he hasn’t really been interested in that. I think, sadly, that he was always to focused on working for retirement that he never really thought about what that would look like. I also am not really sure that he cares… this is something that his wife/family seem more concerned about than he does.
Anon
Adding on, to compare my in-laws to my grandparents– both my sets of grandparents lived very full lives in retirement. One grandfather wrote books, so he always had “work.” Another set of grandparents essentially volunteered professionally at museums, etc. and got very involved in their church. So I really don’t understand the deal with my FIL, but I have also learned that he has always been like this and isn’t really going to change now.
anon
I know this can be a super sensitive thing to bring up- but might be potentially benefit from a light anti-depressant? With my grandmother, she was open to it, and lived the best life until almost 100. She’s 100 now and bed-bound, but 99.5 years of great living I think was a great trade-off…. compared to my other grandmother who lived almost as long, and spent the last 30 years of her life being miserable and never leaving her house, refusing any intervention. My parents are find now, but I worry that if my mom passes away before my dad, my dad will be miserable and never leave the house…. so having this juxtaposition between their 2 mothers in our lives is a good thing to be able to point to for us.
Anon
My question is just are they happy? My dad has the lazy type of retirement you describe and he loves it. He is perfectly content watching TV and reading all day. Not everyone needs volunteer work and friends to feel fulfilled. If they are leading the retirement that they want, that’s all that matters.
Also, watching kids is a LOT of work. I’m not at all surprised that grandparents enjoying their retirement don’t want to do that. To top it off, the way we raise kids today is different. You don’t expect your parents to just “watch” them and keep them alive. You expect them to not use screens, not feed certain foods, give them some kind of enriching activity, be up to date on the numerous and constantly changing recommendations for safety and best practices. That’s a lot!
Anon
Yeah – I don’t tell my mom what do when she watches my kids. (I know she loves them and will keep them safe.) And I think she watches them more as a result. She makes decisions that I sometimes question but I keep my mouth shut. I have friends who have long lists of instructions and their parents are not nearly as involved.
Anonymous
Yep. My parents are retired and do nothing. It’s not an issue with money; there’s plenty of money. And their health is fine, they’ve had some minor challenges but are both still very active and independent. But they literally do nothing all day long and it morphs into them driving each other crazy, or them calling me (or my brother) and driving me crazy. They don’t travel, they don’t volunteer, they don’t make friends, they don’t visit family. They live in a small apartment in a retirement apartment complex and one day seems a lot like the next, and the next, and the next. It has made me think long and hard about what I want my retirement to be, and I have decided I don’t think I want to quit working until I am physically unable. I don’t want to keep going to a job, but I can consult or coach or teach or something (all things I do now) so that I have some kind of purpose in life. My parents were very career driven and now that their careers are gone and kids are grown (and grandkids are nearly grown)…they just seem adrift. We spend a lot of time talking about their various medical appointments where they’re told everything is fine. It makes me sad. I am sad for them. And it’s definitely not what I want for my life.
Anonymous
Anyone have any experience/insight on living in Indianapolis? I’m from the east coast (always lived in NJ, Philadelphia or NYC) and Asian and a religious minority. Someone sent me a job listing for a very interesting job but it happens to be in Indianapolis; part of me thinks apply, what’s to lose — it may not even happen. I’ve spent exactly no time in the Midwest however and my (maybe wrong) view is that in that region, everyone living there is born and raised there with BFFs from elementary school so it’s hard to develop a life there as a 30 something single woman knowing no one. Truth? Obviously from a COL perspective, I’m sure it’s great.
Anon
When considering things like this, I always encourage my friends to take a leap. If you don’t like it? It’s only a couple years and you move back to the city with a new and different experience that has helped shape your worldview with a different perspective. So long as the job will pay the bills and the work is moderately interesting/relevant to your career, why not step out of the usual and go for it?
pugsnbourbon
Well it’s currently -9 here, if that changes your thinking.
I’m a native midwesterner and have lived in Indy for 7+ years. Overall, I think it’s a great place (note that I am white, married and not a religious minority). I haven’t encountered much of the elementary-school BFFs issue – unlike Cincinnati, you’re not constantly asked where you went to high school. I found my core friend group through fitness classes and work.
The city is relatively small but you will definitely need a car – public transit is not great. I’ve never had trouble getting an Uber. Our food scene is pretty good and there are more interesting bars and breweries opening every month. Lots of events and festivals. It’s a great city if you like to bike (very flat! plus trails). Home prices are reasonable but rents are creeping up. The city is decently blue; my wife is trans and the vast majority of public interactions have been positive. People are friendly and neighbors help each other out.
pugsnbourbon
Should also add that our airport is fantastic! It’s not huge, but there are plenty of flights to DC/NYC/LA and international offerings have really expanded over the last few years. The max I’ve stood in line for security (I am a pleb) is 15 minutes – and this was on a Saturday afternoon in the summer.
PolyD
There’s a blogger, Sarah’s Real Life, who is a lawyer and lives in Indianapolis, married to her female partner. She seems to like the city okay. It’s probably weird to stalk a blogger, but eh, maybe take a look at her blog to get a small sense of what it’s like to live there.
Anononymous
+1 Sarah’s Real Life is great.
Indy
I’m from Indianapolis! I think the dating pool is smaller here than big cities because people tend to get married earlier, but community groups are big (religious and non-religious) and I’d be surprised if it was harder for you to make friends here than anywhere else. There’s been a boom in the foodie scene and lots of local breweries. We also have had a lot of urban renewal with a lot of great outdoor spaces. It’s the best place in the US to do masters swimming if you’re into that. Happy to chat if you want more info!
Anononymous
I live about an hour away from Indy, and visit often. I can’t speak to the experience of living in the city and making friends there, but I love it as a frequent visitor. (Although for reference, I also grew up in the Midwest. I think a non-Midwesterner might have a bit of culture shock.) The restaurant scene is really wonderful for a city that size and getting better all the time. Most people have cars and there’s not much public transit to speak of, but there are nice walking and biking areas. There is a sizable African-American community in the city and Indy is very well-integrated (I think I heard it’s the most integrated city north of the Mason-Dixon line) so when you go out to restaurants or other places, the crowd is usually fairly diverse for a Midwestern state. I’m not sure about the demographics of other racial groups. Indiana is a very very red state but Indy is definitely somewhat of a liberal bubble. If you are liberal, I think you will want to live in the city itself probably – the northern burbs (Noblesville, Carmel etc), while nice in many ways (beautiful, affordable homes; good shopping and entertainment options) are very white and pretty conservative. For reference, Hamilton County, the county just north of Indianapolis with the city’s northern suburbs, went for Trump in 2016.
I also agree that the airport is wonderful (it’s the closet airport to me, so I fly from there all the time). The security is so fast and efficient, there’s free wifi, good food options and pretty good flight options within the US. Delta also just added an IND-Paris non-stop so getting to Europe is easier too. I’m only 2 hours from O’Hare, which obviously has flights to almost everywhere, but 95% of the time I choose to fly out of Indy because there are so many good flights from there. There is a lot of cool stuff within driving distance: Cincinnati is <2 hours, Chicago and Lexington KY are ~3 hours, Nashville is 4 hours and there is some nice outdoorsy stuff in southern Indiana an hour or two outside the city.
Grew up in IN
From my own experience growing up in an immigrant Asian family in suburb of Indianapolis (Carmel): Be careful. The overt racism and near-constant othering (even from “nice” people) I experienced starting in grade school was horrible. I struggled a lot with my identity and remember wishing I was white so that I could be “normal”. Obviously I left as soon as I could and would never move back in a million years. But I realize that different people have different priorities and that as an adult woman moving to Indianapolis and not to an overwhelming white suburb, you may have a kinder experience. Since you’ve never lived in the Midwest, you may be surprised at how conservative and Christian Indiana can be – I’ve heard it described as closer to a Southern state than a Midwest one. I know that went I left for grad school in another Midwest state, I was shocked by how much more “progressive” it was. Sorry for being a downer :(
Anononymous
I commented above that I live near Indy and love the city, but I totally agree that it’s shocking how white, Christian and conservative Indiana is and that in many ways it feels much more like the South than the Midwest. I grew up in Iowa and the culture in the two states is amazingly different, even though most people in California or NYC probably think of them as basically the same place. Also, people in Indiana have Southern accents! Not a long Georgia drawl or anything, but definitely a bit of a Southern twang. That absolutely blew my mind when I moved here.
I’m really sorry to hear about your experience, Grew up in IN.
Sup sup sup
Also grew up in Carmel (I’m white). Haven’t lived full time in the Indianapolis area in almost 20 years but my family still lives there. My sister loves it, but I can’t imagine living there again. It’s too conservative, too homogeneous, etc. I did a six week trial visit after graduating and quickly realized it wasn’t for me. I now visit for holidays, birthdays, etc. and then off I go.
Tina
Yes, I have a friend who is asian and a member of a minority religion who moved to Indianapolis to take a big job a Lily. Job was great but living in Indianapolis was really tough on a cultural front. Dating was particularly terrible. They were able to spring board that job into an even better opportunity on the coast after a couple of years, so maybe consider it closely given what your short and long term goals are.
favorite vanilla cinnamon black tea?
I have a very specific tea recommendation that I’m hoping someone can help with.
My favorite tea for years has been Trader Joe’s Vanilla Cinnamon Black Tea. It only came out around the holidays, and the box has a cartoon lemur on it with Christmas lights.
This year, they stopped releasing it! Can anyone recommend a similar black tea with vanilla and cinnamon? Thanks so much!
anon
Check out Celestial Seasonings Nutcracker Sweet tea. The Trader’s Joe Vanilla Cinnamon Black tea supposedly was a relabel of this!
OP
THANK YOU! Just ordered some on Amazon.
anon
Fingers crossed. I’m a fellow tea lover, and it took me a long time to locate a source for my favorite black tea, Xanadu’s Tropicana.
otheranon
It’s true! You will not be disappointed. We ordered 6 boxes to get us through the winter!
Anxiety help
I have a question about anxiety. I’m looking for input from those that suffer from it and those that have to deal with us that suffer from it. I am going to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow but I would love some insight from those of you that have been there.
My anxiety has started crop up in some unexpected places. I had a panic attack in a bar listening to loud music with friends. The bar was very crowded and claustrophobic. I thought I handled it well because I just excused myself and went downstairs to a quiet room, did some deep breathing, got it back under control, went back and took a spot with my back to a wall where I felt more comfortable. This was still disruptive for my friends. One came looking for me to make sure I was okay and was hesitant to leave me alone. (Yes, I know this is what one should do when a friend is solo in a bar but I was sober and okay to be alone for a bit.) Then they felt bad I was having a PA so they offered to leave. I said I was going to be okay and wanted to work through it and stay. I did but I felt like it was such a downer on the group to have someone visibly uncomfortable.
I have a trip coming up to visit my brother overseas. I know this is going to push me out of my comfort zone with foreign languages, foods, new places, having zero control over my transportation, etc. I anticipate I will have at least one panic attack. I’m in therapy and have xanax for when I need it. I’m not anxious on an everyday basis so we haven’t tried daily meds yet. My PA’s are more acute and I can usually figure out what triggers them (variety of past traumas I’m working through.)
But, I don’t like my mental health issues to impact other people. If I decide to cancel my trip to spare my brother it will impact my husband who is looking forward to it. If I decide to go it might impact a bigger group if I need to leave an event or step out for awhile. I worry that cancelling is also a slippery slope into becoming a hermit. I didn’t care about flying even though I sometimes had PAs flying. I’d just take my xanax if I did. It’s another thing now that I’m getting them in bars, cars stuck in traffic, other daily living shit.
I’m leaning towards just giving my brother a heads up. Hey, my anxiety has really been acting up but I don’t want to cancel this trip. I’m in therapy and I’m taking meds as needed and will take them on the trip if needed. But, there might be times I need a personal time out or to sit out on something. I really want you to not take it personally and still have fun, even if I’m sitting outside for a bit. Then leave it up to him if he still wants me to go?
So – how do you deal with minimizing your anxieties effects on others while still pushing yourself to not give into it?
Lana Del Raygun
I would go! Let your brother know in advance what he can do to help. Most people really like helping! I would also try the thank you/sorry reframe, because it’s good for you but I also think it makes everyone else more comfortable. If you say “sorry,” they feel like they have to go “no! don’t apologize!” and it can get awkward, but if you say “thank you” they can just say “you’re welcome” and then (a) the loop is closed and everyone can move on and (b) they get to feel good about themselves lol.
cbackson
So first off, I am a person with a history of anxiety and PAs, and I both support you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and encourage you not to cancel this trip. It seems a bit how people react to your PAs has become a secondary source of anxiety for you, so I’d suggest thinking about addressing that anxiety with the same coping techniques that you have for other sources of anxiety. I wouldn’t ask your brother to decide if you go on the trip – your PAs aren’t an imposition on other people or something you should feel bad about. They’re a health problem. That’s all.
I don’t know if you’ve done CBT at all, but it was very effective for me in treating anxiety and panic, including in stages prior to a full-blown attack. That let me minimize my use of medication, which was helpful for me because I didn’t feel very well on xanax. Maybe not an issue if you handle xanax well, but I didn’t.
Anon
Have you tried CBT? Otherwise, I think your plan is a good one. It’s not a huge burden on others to take time-outs as you need them.
Anonymous
While recognition of issues is important, I think the best thing you can do (if you still want to go) is reframe your self-talk about the trip. And plan as best you can for the eventualities you can control (pack granola bars or snacks for meals you don’t want, etc).
Anon
I think you should still go and your plan to talk to your brother sounds very reasonable. But I also think you need to recognize that your anxiety is probably making you spiral a little bit and so you’re having anxiety about your anxiety, and it’s impacting your life. It might be time to try a daily medication.
Anon
I had this thought, too. But have also been where you (OP) are and didn’t make the jump to daily anxiety meds. My spiraling is more a symptom of my depression (for which I do take daily meds) than the anxiety I was experiencing at a time of high stress and a bout of worse depression. Whatever you decide, I think it’s worth reexamining whether daily meds might be a good step right now. They don’t have to be forever.
Regardless of what you decide about the meds, go on the trip! It sounds like you are very self-aware and know how to self-care. Don’t apologize, just explain and thank them for their support and understanding. People like to help, especially the people who love you. Same goes with your friends, explain to your comfort level and then thank them for their support and understanding.
Finally, hugs. Life will get better. You are working towards a healthier you. Keep at it.
Anon
You should definitely go and you’re thinking about the right things….I have milder anxiety ocassionally and/or limits on how much group interaction I want (I need my space from time to time and I’m very independent). For me taking breaks is essential for self-care – mental and physical breaks….I need time away from the group, snacks and healthy food when I’m hungry and exercise….I participate in what I want to participate in and take time for myself – I have found this helps alleviate my anxiety and frustration with the group. It took some time for me to learn this about myself and not feel different than those that feel the need to completely immersed in and part of the group at all times..,do not apologize for your normal and your needs. Take good care of yourself
Anonymous
I’d encourage you to do some reading by Claire Weekes in particular – she talks about anxiety being caused by “first fear” and “second fear”, and I”ve found this to be absolutely true for me (GAD, OCD, and panic attacks since I was a child) – there is ALWAYS a thought that flits through my mind first, which is the anxiety trigger, but then a second thought pops into mind. The second thought’s purpose is to set off the anxiety cycle to avoid me dealing with the uncomfortable feelings of the first thought. It turns out 95% of my “first thoughts” have to do with feelings I haven’t expressed, to myself or anyone else, and there is always a pattern to my “second thought” – it’s related to the first thought but tangential enough that it feels unrelated (so, for instance, if I’m pissed because my mother just said she didn’t want to come over for my birthday, the anxiety cycle would be around her general health or something). The anxiety is classic avoidance behavior.
If you can identify the “first thought” the moment it happens, you won’t set off the anxiety spiral, or you’ll at least recognize the spiral for what it is which defangs it.
Anonymous
This is good advice. And if anyone’s panic attacks involve no first or second thought and no specific situation, consider that they might not be psychological at all (i.e., see a doctor, you may have something evasive like B12 anemia, POTS, or something else neurological or cardiac going on).
Anxiety help
Thanks all!
Paperless Office Question
Following up on a thread from earlier this week or last where people discussed how they have a clean desk. Several posters mentioned not printing anything/printing very few things/not keeping paper around. Out of curiosity, what industry are you in where you don’t print things? I’m looking at my desk/shelves/floor of my office right now and they’re covered in stacks of papers for just one real estate deal I’m working on (I’m a commercial RE attorney), and I’ve had to reference something in each pile every day for the past week. While I’ll be able to recycle most of this when this deal closes, I’m not sure how I would work otherwise. So, I’m curious – how do you handle reviewing and editing documents without printing anything (or without keeping your initial marked up hard copy document around to confirm that either you or whoever was making the changes made all of them)? For example, if you need to add a comma on page 3 of a 40 page document, how do you convey to the person who is going to make the edits for you that they need to add a comma there? Or remember yourself after reading the document that you needed to add a comma there?
anon
Hi, I responded to that thread – I keep a clean desk and work in big technology – enterprise software/cloud. I have been paperless for 10+ years. We keep electronic files and use modern day software for editing, redlining, document management. Turn on track changes in MS Word to mark up a document with your edits and send it to the editor. Use MS Sharepoint to store documents in a repository that enables check in and check out of changes. Use DocuSign for electronic signature (no need to print, sign and scan). The only paper that comes across my desk is the small amount of snail mail that still comes in….I review and take action on those pieces ASAP. In technology field, we are probably ahead of some other industries, but the technologies have been around a long time – more than 15 years and are very sophisticated.
Anonymous
These are interesting points and goo ideas to think about. So do you not read a document in hard copy? I’ve noticed that I personally take in, understand, and remember far less if I review something on the computer over reviewing on paper. Additionally, if I was marking up a document and started using track changes, that seems to defeat the purpose of having someone else make the edits (as they could just “accept all” and be done). In law, I’m constantly being reminded to delegate things such as making these edits on larger documents because my billable rate is so much higher than of a paralegal making edits or our document services group. And very interesting that you work in a field that accepts an electronic signature – I don’t see real estate ever moving away from original notarized signatures being needed for documents that need to be recorded. Thank you for sharing!
Anon
Why would it be a negative thing for someone to accept a change you made to a word document? It doesn’t take any more time and is probably more efficient? If you just want to make a comment and not change things, you still have the option to do that. Also, maybe it’s a different situation, but I’ve bought and sold all of my properties using electronic signatures. Notaries seem like they’ll be obsolete within our lifetime.
Anon
More efficient for whom? It’s more efficient for me, the reviewer, to hand mark changes or make shorthand notes that an assistant understands. I think that’s what she meant. It’s less efficient in that it takes two people to do substantive work (vs clicking accept all) to result in an edited document. But attorneys are all about being efficient with attorney time b/c it’s the expensive time.
Anon
Maybe it’s because I’ve always used computers and am technically savvy, but it’s not any more difficult to add a comma in word document than it is to draw one onto a sheet of paper with a pen. Takes the same amount of time, right? But you save time by not printing and moving around paper documents.
Mpls
1. Track changes, assuming the documents are in a Word format. I think Pro versions of Adobe should let you make similar notes on PDFs. Then I save a copy with my initials “Mpls edits” and maybe the date and send it back.
2. I work in what could be a paperless office, but i like reading and marking things on paper, so I print them off and have papers group in piles on my desk depending on what they pertain to. I tend to also have project-focused work, so I can eventually recycle the associated paper when the projects complete.
Anon
I’m also an attorney and struggle with reducing paper. I insist on proofreading important documents or letters on hard copy before sending, but quickly trash the original once the changes have been made. The legal world has (reasonably, in my view) been resistant to track changes software. I tend to use the compare versions more than track changes. I also take notes by hand, and keep those notes until the file is dormant (they get scanned in ASAP but I still like working from hard paper). I think a lot of the “never print anything” is highly industry specific. Do what you can but recognize that creeping towards less paper is still an improvement.
Em
I am a corporate attorney and handle a lot of contracts (not real estate, though), and I print almost nothing. All of my changes are redlined track changes as anon at 12:12 described. If I have to print something for a meeting, I immediately make the track changes in a new version of the document after the meeting and shred the hard copy.
Anon
I’m an attorney and like to read things in paper. I have a pile of documents to shred in a drawer right behind my desk, and once I’m done with a document, it goes there immediately. If it’s something important to keep, I put it in the relevant folder in my filing cabinet, with the folders organized by case. I also have about a dozen binders in my office at any given point in time, for the various litigation matters I’m on. Once a case is completely done, I’ll usually toss the binders or consolidate them if I want the docs for future reference.
With litigation, I have very busy and then very slow periods, so I use the slow periods to clean out my binders, etc. I bring the shred pile to the office center (to put in the shred box) once my drawer fills up.
I’m also the type that procrastinates by cleaning / organizing, so my office tends to be super organized even when I’m busy.
JazzyRose
Is there a reason that using track changes in Word wouldn’t be helpful? I prefer paper documents, and I’ll make my edits in red in on the paper copy. As a paralegal, I wouldn’t be surprised if an attorney handed me a paper copy and asked me to make the changes in Word and send it to another attorney.
Anonymous
OP here – not that using track changes isn’t helpful, it’s more that I’m supposed to be reviewing a document and having someone else make the changes. Or someone else reviews a document, hands me a marked copy, and I make the changes. Using track changes is helpful for a short document where we’re changing a sentence or two or revising a signature block, but if you’re not actually supposed to be the one making the changes, I don’t see how you use track changes to communicate all of the changes that are supposed to happen (both true edits like punctuation and larger conceptual changes). For example, if you need a comma to go somewhere, I suppose you could add a comment box that says “add comma” or actually add the comma. But both of those seem like they would take more time than actually adding the comma itself. So, now I’m making the change, which I’m not supposed to be doing. Even if I add the comma, most likely later in the document I will need to address a bigger change (and I’m thinking of 40+ page purchase contracts) such as I want to add a concept/new section or provide general directions as to how a paragraph should change. I can see using track changes for these bigger more conceptual comments. But the comment about the comma still needs to be in the version of the document I’m handing to the person who is actually making the edits. So I’m just having a hard time visualizing how I would mark a document for editing, where I haven’t actually made the changes, that includes the true grammar edits and the conceptual edits. It could just be that real estate is significantly behind even other areas of the law in this manner and I’m only use to these “old ways” and habits of the partners I work for.
editing documents
It sounds like this is a historical quirk related to the partners (older, I’m guessing) you work for. In the past, all attorneys would hand mark documents and have assistants actually change the documents (including on typewriters – before computers). Now, it’s usually faster for attorneys to type their own changes in, especially with complex changes but also with things like commas, unless they are not very proficient with computers or don’t have access or something like that. I’m guessing the “instructions” you keep getting about delegating to others to make changes and not being “not supposed to make changes yourself” are based on the old model where the assumption is that it takes less time for you to hand mark than to edit your own documents. It seems silly that you are discouraged from inputting commas yourself just because the “document you’re handing to the person who is actually making the edits” has to encompass all your comments (or that you even HAVE to delegate editing documents in all cases) – that just doesn’t make sense. I think if you can convey that it is faster to make your own changes, and as the old-school partners phase out, this will change. Ultimately, they shouldn’t care who makes the changes, they care about what is efficient. And it’s better long term to be less reliant on other people to process your documents (and in this case is likely more efficient, too). Source: been in transactional practice for over 10 years; have worked with and seen older partners ranging from very technology-proficient to relying on assistants for everything remotely tech-related (printing documents, editing, etc.) other than email (I think even the most old-school of lawyers have had to embrace email).
Anon
The last sentence is the nail in the coffin. But I think (I’m 36) that the old ways have benefits, too. You learn a lot more by actually seeing and making the changes than you do by accepting tracked changes, and attorneys learn by doing. I agree with you that hand marking documents is more efficient for the reviewer. You can use shorthand and scribble versus doing it perfectly correctly yourself. It gets another brain involved to do the “simple work” of actually changing the document.
jwalk
I’m a bit confused here. If you’re making changes on a paper document and handing it to someone, you take one second to add a comma somewhere (in addition to other changes) and hand it off, right? If you are reviewing the same document electronically using track changes, it still takes one second to actually add the comma. I get that you’re supposed to be handing it off to a paralegal to make changes, but that’s because they’re assuming you’re making changes on paper and someone needs to go edit the Word document. If you’re already editing the Word, that removes the need for the hand-off entirely. It doesn’t save you any time, but it reduces the amount of time paralegals spend on just inputting others’ edits, so they could take on other tasks for you or your firm could reduce the number of paralegals needed. And if you have conceptual changes/instructions for them, you can still put in a comment box just like you would write in the margin. I don’t think there’s any time difference for you between paper and electronic but a huge time save for the next person in the process.
Anonymous
This.
Anon
I think most people review and edit documents on their computer. You can edit, comment, track changes easily and email documents back and forth. Even with things that need to be signed, electronic signatures are a thing. I can’t think of a single thing I’d need to print.
Anonymous
Considering a family trip over Easter to Montreal, from DC. Looks like a 10 hour drive, so I was thinking of driving 5 hours one night (putting toddler/baby to bed in the car), stopping somewhere in NY that night for a scenic day, driving the next 5 hours the following day. Spending a couple days in Quebec, coming back the same way. Thoughts? Anyone done it? Any places to stop suggestions, or am I crazy for thinking this might work AND be fun?
Lana Del Raygun
I think it depends almost entirely on how tiring you all personally find the traveling and how your kids handle the car/hotel deal. Montreal is definitely fun!
Anon
Is there a reason you don’t want to fly? We fly with our kids a lot but a 10 hour drive with a baby will take a lot longer than 10 hours and sounds completely miserable to me. Montreal is a great family destination though.
Anonymous
That does not sound relaxing to me. It is going to be cold, that is a lot of time in the car, and I think you may be underestimating the driving time – traffic slows things down considerably between DC and NYC. If you are driving at night you are going to be exhausted during the day unless you are better at sleeping in the car than I am. Can you fly? I was just looking at airfares to Montreal from NYC that week and they were cheap. And spending a scenic day in the NYC area is $$$.
Anonymous
If you’re staying in Montreal and not traveling around Quebec, I’d fly. You don’t really need a car in the downtown core and you can Uber to anywhere you want to go outside of that.
Cold Canadian
Agree that it will take a lot longer than 10 hours to drive. You have to cross the border and it will be a long weekend. Also, traffic in to Montreal is crazy.
It may be cold or it may be hot. Easter is late this year, it *should* be spring. Its not unusual for there to still be snow on the ground at Easter, but I have also gotten heat stroke Easter weekend. Supposed to be an early spring here.
Montreal is fantastic. However, if you do decide to fly, I’d highly recommend Quebec City.
One Day a Homeowner
Does anyone have recommendations of what to do with your money while you’re saving for a house? Would you chance large sums in the market or play it conservatively with a savings account? Surely there are in between options like a CD that I’m overlooking? I’d like to put close to $100,000 down (which may still not equal 20% in my area for a standard four-bedroom house). DH and I would like to buy in about 2 years and it’s reasonable to save up this amount between what we have now and could have then but I keep feeling that large amount of money could be earning something or there’s some smarter way to go about this.
Lana Del Raygun
If you know you’re not going to buy right away I would probably get a CD but I’m no expert.
TZ
We are in the same situation as you and use a high interest savings account