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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
What do you guys think about this? https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2019/01/29/b-smith-husband-has-girlfriend-alzheimers-battle-fans-react/2709146002/
On the one hand I have so much sympathy for Alzheimer’s caregivers, having lost my grandmother to the disease, and it seems kinder of him to stay with her and take care of her while also moving on with his life vs divorcing her and leaving her without a family caregiver. At the same time, it feels weird that he’s moved his girlfriend in when his wife is still around but not able to meaningfully understand what’s happening or consent (although maybe they discussed this possibility when she was still cognizant and she was supportive). I’m curious what other people think.
Anon
It depends what stage of the disease she’s in. If she still knows what’s going on? Not cool. But a relative of mine with Alzheimer’s lingered in a vegetative state for seven years. Her husband did not see other women, but I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had.
Anon
I think he’s a complete d-bag.
Anonymous
What do you think the alternatives are here? If he left her instead to be institutionalized, what would you say?
– Spousal caregiver for someone with terminal neurological disease
Anon
Moving his new girlfriend into the house is a major violation IMO.
Lana Del Raygun
Um, being faithful to his wife in sickness and in health, like he promised?
Anonymous
Wow. Please explore the concept of compassion.
Anon
Anon at 4:10, how is it compassionate to flaunt your new gf on social media? Seriously, how? Honoring your vows is the most compassionate thing I can think of. That is not mutually exclusive with practicing self-care to get through what everyone will agree is a really hard time.
Anonymous
I’m responding to Lana’s comment. She should be more compassionate. And so should you.
And maybe less racist? Real easy to hate on a black man.
Ellen
I think he felt guilty for the many year’s he had with haveing s-x with her, so b/c of that, he decided to do right for her, now that she was NOT able to be his girlfreind at least for s-x any more. The wife must wonder what she was doeing wrong all those year’s to make him go and find another woman for good s-x, but that should not be any different for anyone who is the girlfreind. It is sad. Hugs to all.
Anon
I think we should endeavor to not judge, as much as possible, what other people need to do to get through the difficult situations in their lives. I would imagine and hope they know best about the situation and are being careful and thoughtful and respectful.
Anon
I think it’s weird that anyone other than the people involved have an opinion at all, including you.
Anon
I don’t get the holier than thou “let’s not judge” comments…a huge percentage of the posts here are judging! People post critical things about their friends and family members’ choices all the time. There have been posts critical of people who voted for Trump, who voted for Bernie, who don’t give their friends +1s to their weddings, who have lavish weddings and humblebrag about it, who travel with their “crying babies,” who don’t want to travel with their young children, etc. etc. People here are critical of almost every choice under the sun! At least the people here are celebrities or involved with celebrities and having your life picked apart by people you don’t know generally goes with being a celebrity.
Lyssa
ITA. Also, this is a really hard question which a lot of people will need to address at some point in their lives. If the OP were to say “Hey, let’s all talk about how terrible this guy is,” that would be rude and judgmental in a bad way. But it’s perfectly OK, I would even say necessary, to use our judgment to consider situations like this and what is and is not appropriate and how to handle this.
It will apply to more of us then we think, someday. And heck if I know what is appropriate.
Anon
So what you’re saying is that you don’t like being judged? Okay….
simiyalala
Yes, thank you 2:56. This!
Anon
1. I am bothered by the fact that it’s usually men who do this at least from what I hear.
2. This is me, thirtysomething, newlywed, healthy, but I would have an extraordinarily hard time doing this. My husband is an exceptional person, and one who is loved very deeply by his family (all great people), coworkers, and fellow church members. They would all offer either of us any support we asked for, but would be hurt if one or the other would abandon the marriage. Other people are in different situations, so I don’t judge.
Anonymous
You have no idea if you’d have a hard time doing this.
Anon
I know for a fact that I am able to keep my skirt on outside of marriage, thanks.
While not prone to judge others who are wired differently, than can certainly start if you want to continue in this vein.
Anonymous
W H A T.
How dare you be so flippant. We are talking about the harsh trauma of spending years taking care of someone who doesn’t know you. I truly hope life doesn’t rob you of your callousness. Because no, if you think this is about keeping your skirt on outside your marriage, you clearly have no clue.
What church is teaching you to show this little compassion and humility?
Anon
Wow, that’s incredibly cruel. This isn’t about keeping your skirt on (how crude). It’s ok for caregivers to acknowledge their own need in an incredibly painful and difficult time. Study the Bible harder, hun. You’re missing some lessons there.
Anon
Different anon here. I don’t think I could be a full-time Alzheimer’s caregiver (I would probably put my husband in a good facility and visit as often as I could, just like I would with my parents) but I’m confident I wouldn’t think of myself as single and wouldn’t get into a new relationship before he actually passed. Six years really isn’t that long to commit to care-giving for an ill spouse while staying committed to the marriage. Plenty of people do it for spouses with cancer, etc.
Anonymous
Dare you to try it!
Anonymous
Hahahahaha. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about. 6 years taking care of a spouse with cancer who knows who you are is totally different than taking care of someone who needs round the clock care, cannot feed, clothe, toilet, or bathe themself, doesn’t know who you are, doesn’t know who they are, and will never get better.
I hope you never have to learn that the hard way. Maybe in the meantime stop being so smugly confident you’d be better.
Anon
So you’re wishing my husband ill? That’s awful. Marriage vows mean something to me. Even if I privately thought of myself as a widow (and I probably would if my husband’s mind was completely gone, but not if he had cancer or early stage dementia), I would not date until he had actually passed. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe that I’m confident that I wouldn’t date until he was actually gone. It’s a choice. You might not make the same one, but I can be sure I would make that choice.
Anonymous
“Marriage vows mean something to me.”
Are you saying they don’t to him? Cause he’s the one doing a hard thing, not you. What about a little humility?
Anonymous
My reaction is more to your lack of understanding of what these diseases are like. They aren’t just like cancer, and one cancer isn’t just like another cancer.
Anon
My husband and I have discussed this and we both would want the other to enjoy life. We would both want to make sure we are well cared for but we wouldn’t want to ruin the other’s life. I also expressly gave him permission to divorce me for financial reasons too, so long as he still made sure I was cared for. We discussed this a long time ago. If you feel the same as me, make sure you let your spouse know too. I guess you should let your spouse know either way.
Anon
I know what Alzheimer’s is like and I’m not sure why you’re saying I don’t. I was actually drawing a distinction between cancer and Alzheimer’s and saying that I would probably privately think of myself as a widow if my husband didn’t recognize me, but not if he was battling cancer (which, yes, I was using fairly generically for “serious, possibly terminal physical illness that doesn’t destroy your mind” – obviously I know there are many types of cancer and they vary dramatically in many ways and there are brain cancers that cause dementia-like symptoms). I’ve lost grandparents and parents-in-law to Alzheimer’s and I’ve had a pretty close view of the caregiving so I know what the normal progression of the disease is and what a caregiver has to do. As I said, I would probably never be able to be a full time caregiver for someone with advanced dementia. I would certainly hire help and at some point I would certainly put my husband in a long-term care facility. I don’t consider that abandonment but I’m sure there are people who would judge me for that choice, and that’s their prerogative, just like it’s my prerogative to say I wouldn’t date while I have a living spouse.
Anon
Whether or not you all know it, you’re being far more nasty and judgemental to those who take their marriage vows seriously (even at their own expense) than to those who would contemplate adultery if a spouse got sick.
It’s a really, really bad look.
Anonymous
Harsh, but true. People who remain in marriages as caregivers are the most committed people I’ve ever met, and their spouses are usually exceptional too. People who aren’t in this situation can’t begin to understand the loneliness of this life – watching your spouse die in front of you and not having their support to get through it. Your church, community, etc. may be lovely and supportive, but they can’t provide the things that are missing when your marital vows can’t be upheld, ever again, by your partner.
Anon
What do you mean by marital vows? Do you just mean se* or something else?
Anonymous
In this situation, The caregiver gets no love, comfort, support through their own sicknesses and most become poor through the expenses of care anf thr loss of employment. . Their life is built around their spouse’s every need (morally, and legally) without consideration for their own needs for years on end. Some people cant leave their house for years and years for ANY reason. Imagine that. The lucky ones are able to afford some aides or institutional care to minimize the impact on their life, but it never fixes it. Most people in this situation view that they are upholding their vows in sickness and in health because these kind of relationships sustain their ability to stay in the picture as days turn to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. (And just look at all the judgment here about whatever choices get made. Every choice is a bad one to someone who thinks they know better or the caregiver should just try harder)
Anon
What on earth do you mean by “but they can’t provide the things that are missing when your marital vows can’t be upheld, ever again, by your partner”?
I didn’t promise to bang my husband, nor did I promise to provide intellectually stimulating conversation, a lack of hardship, or anything else. Nor did he promise those things to me.
We did promise – twice! – till death do us part.
It would be a nightmare to lose my husband, slowly or quickly. It would be a nightmare to watch him be sick. It would be a monumental struggle to care for him if he got sick or became incapacitated. But a roll in the hay with some other dude is not the answer.
Anon
Fun fact: in many Jewish weddings you actually do promise to fulfill your partner sexually. My (non-Jewish) friends couldn’t stop cracking up during our ceremony. (I agree with you though that it would be horrible to care for my husband during a terminal illness but sex would be the least of my concerns).
Ellen
To the OP who should not judge, you are young, and nless you are in a real situation, you really don’t know what you or your husband would do years from now. Men always say to me they must have good s-x or they will explode, so if your wife does not give you good s-x, he will find another woman for that physical thing. I do not feel that way, but I know that is what men do. My ex stuck with me, but mainley b/c other women would not take him serious if he started hinting that he was a BMOC who was available for s-x. They laughed in his face, so he never was abel to stray. Most other men are not such schlubs, b/c many women WILL loose their skirts for men, and let men have s-x with them willingly. FOOEY!
Legally Brunette
I can understand how hard it is to be a caregiver, but I hate the fact that he is flaunting the new girlfriend on his social media. Do this privately if you must, but it seems so disrespectful of him to do this in the public especially when she is a well known public figure.
Wow
So much this. No need to air your wife and girlfriend to the world. Or agree to a NYT feature. Do this privately.
Anon
Yes. Like doesn’t he have more important things to be thinking about?
Anon
Agree with this. Do it privately but it’s a super d*ck move to flaunt it like that. And FWIW, marriage vows do mean something.
anon
I think there’s value to the conversations (like this one) prompted by his agreeing to a NYT story about it, though.
Anon
If you don’t want other people to have an opinion, then don’t publicize your story in the national media. Simple as that. Obvi it would be wrong to pass judgment on anything he wrote in a private diary, but that is not what this is.
Anonymous
I think if you’re wasting time judging a man committed to caring, well, for a spouse with Alzheimer’s you should focus more on improving yourself.
One of my friends dads did/is doing this. His wife’s mind left when she was 60. She’s 75 now and in excellent physical health. I don’t think putting her in a home and filing for divorce is better, nor will I condem himto lonliness.
pugsnbourbon
I remember a story in WaPo about a similar situation. I mean, damn – I can’t imagine experiencing anything worse than watching the person I love slowly drift out of reach, and how lonely that must be.
Anon
I also know someone in this situation. His wife has been gone mentally for years but her body hangs on. She is in assisted living, and so is he, but they are in different wings due to different levels of care needed. He has a “companion” in his wing. He still visits his wife daily but she has no idea he’s there. His adult children had a hard time with the idea of the companion at first, but several years into this journey now they support it completely. And they believe their mom would have supported it as well.
No one knows what they would do in this situation. If your opinion is anything other than “I don’t know, it’s tough” then you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Inspired By Hermione
I recently read The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen, Age 83 1/4 and it alludes to this- the main character’s wife is in what sounds like a memory care home and he’s in a different assisted living home in Amsterdam. He goes to visit her, loves her, misses her, and it’s incredibly difficult for him to see her. He makes a very close friend who he sees through some serious medical issues and who he loves. She is a meaningful companion to him but he still loves his wife.
This is such a hard subject. Caregiving is so lonely- my grandfather is caring for my grandmother with dementia and he’s incredibly lonely. He would never do anything like this but it’s not for anyone to judge. I agree that flaunting is is not great but people do what works for them.
Anonymous
Could you even get divorced? You’d have to get a guardian for the Alzhimer’s spouse at minimum. And it may be a choice b/w a home and being cared for by someone in your own home, which even a guardian as wise as Solomon might see as no good choice either way. Depending on how things go, they might be stuck single with attach-able assets vs married with more assets to pay for care and more potential caregivers. When you have no good options, it’s hard to point fingers.
Usually, I’d just say get divorced and move on, but I’m not sure that is the kindest or best thing here. Even though it would be cleaner and tidier for him.
Anon
I do some work in transition management/nursing homes. People do divorce or attempt to divorce spouses in this situation and essentially abandon them. We see homeless people and people that have been abandoned in nursing homes by a spouse. Normally, the spouse doesn’t necessarily want to leave them for another person but just wants to be rid of the person/situation. Also, normally there are no kids or the kids are unaware of the situation. Normally, in this situation, a conservator is appointed to make decisions for the person. Medicaid/Medicare foots the bill (which it probably would anyway tbh).
Monday
So much for the “I don’t want to die alone” mantra! Get married, have kids, still fly solo into the dark night.
anon
One my friend’s dads in in a very similar situation – my friend’s mom developed early onset Alzheimers, and, 15 years later, is still living. My friend is happy his dad has someone he loves, though some other relatives are very upset about it. Personally, I believe my marriage vows require me to love and care for my spouse, and, in this type of situation where one person is gone mentally for years and years, I don’t judge someone at all for finding companionship as long as the spouse is still cared for. Companionship is one of the true joys of life….I spent too many years lonely and single to judge anyone else for wanting a relationship. I don’t think it shows any diminishing of love for the ill spouse…I think it shows that you loved having a partner and miss that. Caregiving without hope for better days is really really really hard. If someday I’m so far gone that I don’t understand that it’s my husband’s girlfriend, then, current me says I’ll just be glad he has someone he can laugh and talk about his days with, while caring for me.
cbackson
I know a man whose fiancee was struck by lightning when they were both in their early 20s and was left very severely disabled. He cared for her in conjunction with her parents for years. Eventually, while still caring for her, he married another woman – one who had been a friend of both of theirs prior to the accident, and who fully honored his feeling that he had an ongoing responsibility to his former fiancee. He’s been married for nearly 20 years now, and he and his wife continue to be actively involved in caring for her, as her parents have now passed away.
I know someone else whose wife became so mentally ill that she lived in her delusions more than in the real world. He didn’t divorce her for years, because if he did, he would lose the ability to make financial and legal decisions for her and she had no one else. Eventually in a period of lucidity, she agreed to a divorce and his appointment as her conservator (or some equivalent legal status) so that he could go on to live a fuller life while still ensuring that someone who cared made those decisions.
I think it’s impossible to say what you’d do in this situation until you’re in it, but I can’t judge someone who finds companionship and love elsewhere while still caring for a spouse in this situation.
Anonymous
Altzheimer’s sucks, and early onset is really horrible. I’ve told my husband if I get it that I want no medical treatment whatsoever – I want to die of a papercut – and I would give him permission to find a companion once I’m in an institution or should be.
Anonymous
I try not to begrudge people any happiness they can find in this life. It’s not always easy, it’s hard to remember when something isn’t my business. I don’t know what I would do in this same situation, but I am not going to criticize anyone for finding comfort.
Anon
My manager’s step-father recently passed away and I am looking for ideas for how to appropriately send my sympathy. Our office is sending flowers to the service, but given we work so closely together I wanted to do something else. I do not have her home address and we are not super close outside of the office, so I can’t send something there myself. I am planning on leaving a sympathy card on her desk when she returns, but thoughts on something else to include? Money feels wrong, but nothing also feels weird to me. Appreciate any thoughts!
Anonymous
I think a card is perfect and sufficient.
Anon
No, the sympathy card is perfect. Just say something heartfelt and leave it at that.
Anon
A card. Just a card. That is the appropriate gesture here. You don’t give gifts for this kind of thing.
Anonymous
A card. You could also make a donation to charity if the family has designated one.
Anon0321
Yes, and depending on religion, you might be able to donate a mass in their honor (I know you can for Catholics).
Terms of Endearment
The reactions on one of yesterday’s posts got me thinking – what terms of endearment do you use for your significant other? There was a pretty negative reaction to adults using the term “babe.”
Anon
None. I don’t want to call him babe, honey, sweetie, anything like that, and I don’t want to be called any of that either. I also hate “hubby” especially when it’s said in place of the spouse’s name, which I know, ie friend says “I can’t go out tonight because hubby is golfing” and I know his name is John. Just say John!! I don’t care what you call him, but I don’t want to hear you refer to him as “hubby” when he has a name and I know it.
Anon
Not that OP, but we use “babe” and “hon” a lot in everyday usage – “hey hon, can you come help with the laundry?” And he calls me “sweetheart” and I call him “handsome” – generally in a, “hey handsome, how was work today?” way.
Interestingly, “dear” is our agreed upon code word for my husband to tell me I’m being nuts :)
Senior Attorney
My former husband would call me “dear” in a tone that sounded like he was spitting my name out on the floor like a piece of bad meat. It traumatized me so much that “dear” is the one name I can’t stand to have my sweet current husband call me.
Anonymous
+1 I guess I use babe/hon/nickname — he uses “my darling” or wifey sometimes (the latter of which grates but it’s usually in a cute context so I allow it)…
Anon
“My love,” “dear,” “beloved,” etc.
Anon
How old are you? I’m 30 and if my partner called me any of those things I’d do a double take. We use “babe” and that’s totally normal in my large city for 30-somethings.
Anon
Mid-thirties, but… both rather old-fashioned, and my husband is incredibly sweet and kind.
Anon above
Hey, you do you!!! I hope my post above did not come off as snarky. I reread and cringed at myself. For me, and many of my friends, those terms would sound formal, which is why I was asking.
Anon
Oh, I didn’t think it was snarky so much as surprised!
nona
+1, I would fine those (beloved, my love) to be weird to hear. Babe/hon are more casual and shorter than my actual name, which is the point of a nickname (to me).
emeralds
I call my fiance “babe” or a diminutive of his first name that only his family uses; he mostly uses my name, but will use babe if he needs to get my attention and he doesn’t feel like screaming “EMERALDS” through our house’s super-thick walls.
We also have an embarrassing number of super-specific super-embarrassing pet names based on in-jokes.
anon
Super-specific pet names based on in-jokes (and the super specific in-jokes themselves) are some of my favorite parts of a relationship. LOL @ trying to explain the origin story to people who accidentally overhear.
Anonymous
I’ll call my husband”Honey” or “hot stuff”. He calls me “my love” often. We’re early thirties.
First Year Anon
I never ever used terms of endearment in the past (it just didn’t cross my mind or maybe I didn’t like anyone enough), but my husband and I regularly use “babe” and “baby” at home, not in public. I also am gross and find cute alliterative sayings to use with my DH’s name just for fun when we’re being silly at home.
Anonymous
Lovah boy
Anonymous
“My first husband”
Anon0321
I have a Co-worker that calls his wife his ex-gf which I think is hilarious.
MagicUnicorn
I do use “Babe” and “Sweetie” towards him all the time. He uses those, plus a few others towards me. We generally don’t use our first names unless we are in polite acquaintance company, are trying to flag down the other person over a ton of background noise or we are angry with each other.
Never too many shoes...
Those are pretty much the only times my husband and I use our real names too. Oh, and sometimes for sexy times.
Anonymous
I call mine “Kid” and “Kiddo”, so you know, different strokes for different folks.
Anon
Weirdly, the only nickname that’s ever stuck between my husband and me is calling each other by our last names. I suppose people think it’s weird but it works for us, though his family makes gentle fun of it. It’s gotten to the point that I find it startling when he uses my first name. We also sometimes call each other husband and wife (like, “good morning, husband” “good morning, wife”). It’s probably cause we’re still relatively newlyweds (1.5ish years).
Ellen
Rosa and Ed started by calling each other by their last name’s, but Barshevsky was to many syllables, and Tooker was to silly, so they started calling each other Schmoopee, which was GROSS. Dad told them to cut that out but they still call each other Schmoopee in Chapaqua. FOOEY!
Anon
Darling, my love, Schatz (from German), and a few others we’ve made up ourselves. Have never once used babe and I find it grating personally, but to each to their own.
Ms B
I often refer to The Hubs (his name here) as my “sweet young thing”, generally to hilarity among our friends because he looks older than me.
Anon0321
I say honey a lot or a silly version of his name- I only don’t use babe because my ex said it ALL the time and hearing it just annoys the heck out of me.
Vicky Austin
I say “sweetheart” almost reflexively, call him by his last name (all his friends do this), his childhood nickname, or occasionally a sugar-sweet “angel husband.”
Anonymous
We are mid-thirties, have been together for 15 years and have always called each other “babe.” He also calls me “sweetheart,” “my love,” and “mi vida” We also both have nicknames that close family uses and we use those too with each other. We only use real first names when mad haha. He also uses “dear” when kinda mad, but around others (this is hard to explain, because he is not really mad and it is usually more like a signal. I can’t explain it.)
Senior Attorney
We honeymooned in Sicily and while we were there we picked up the habit of calling one another “Sposo” and “Sposa.” Still doing it two and a half years later.
Anon
My SO calls me kitty, which started early on due to a combination of my love for cats and telling him about my beloved childhood librarian whom we called Miss Kitty
Anon
I call my DH “habibi”. I am not Arab or middle eastern. It is a funny story about how I started calling him that. He calls me weird names which often don’t have any meaning at all and it changes very few months.
Anon
I usually call him Dude and he usually calls me Hon, or just my first name. The dude thing is because I’m from CA and everyone is dude. My daughter is dude. I can’t seem to stop.
Rainbow Hair
Since getting with my husband, I have become suuuuch a pet-names person. I call him mostly “sweetheart” or “sweetie” or “daddy-o” (though that last one, only after Kiddo’s arrival — i’ve never been one for calling a partner something parental like that!)… he calls me the same, “sweetie” or “sweetheart” or “mommy-o” or variations on that. We call Kiddo a very rock-n-roll nickname she gave herself, or “goose” (or “goosie” or “goosietoos” etc.) or “sweetpea” or “sweetie” which can make it hard to tell who is being called to sometimes. “Which sweetie?!” is not an uncommon yell down the hallway.
The original Scarlett
Pretty much everything mentioned here – babe, sweetie, honey, hon, dude, husband, wife, spouse, nicknames we’ve developed for each other that are a tad to embarrassing to share here. I didn’t get the reaction to babe, but good for her, not for me. I like to use just about any term that’s not our actual names.
Anonymous
Question from a Californian (feel free to mock, I know this will sound silly to a large portion of you!). How do you tell when you are buying a coat/jacket how warm it will be? I’ve had multiple instances recently where I’ve bought a coat only to discover ‘I’ll be way too warm’ or ‘yikes, I’m not warm at all:.
Am I missing coded language in the description? Or is this just what buying coats/jackets is like?
Anon
I totally know what you mean! The marketing often doesn’t make it clear. For sporting wear, I often just ask the people at the shop or reach out to the manufacturer. They will know what temperatures the coats are « rated » for and how they compare to others. However for fashion coats I’m really not sure.
Mpls
Honestly – not a stupid question (to this Minnesotan). I wonder the same thing too. And as far as I know, you aren’t missing anything. Most manufacturers will not give you temperature guidelines, because i think they don’t want you to interpret it as a guarantee that it will work for that temp. Lands End does do a Warm/Warmer/Warmest rating to help you gauge what’s appropriate.
And the reality is that different people need/want different amounts of insulation.
Lana Del Raygun
A lot of coat manufacturers have specific temperature ratings on their coats, but also, once you’ve bought a lot of coats you get a feel for it.
Anon
Can you link to examples of coats you thought would be warm but aren’t and vice versa?
Wool = not very warm, more for looks or cool-ish days
Down = very warm, worn in arctic conditions
Plastic-y rain coats = rarely warm, mostly just leave you feeling damp
Painting with a very broad brush, the sportier it looks, the warmer it is. Again, broadly speaking, there’s nothing very warm about a pea coat or a wool top coat. But if it looks like something you could go skiing in, warm it will be.
Also, read labels. Most will say what temperature they’re good to.
Anonymous
I had a couple knee length coats when I was younger that I thought would be warm but didn’t do much, which I realized upon arrival in Philadelphia in December.
Rainbow Hair
Yeap, I went from high school in So Cal to college somewhere way cold, and I was like “but I *have* a jacket and it’s just not working!” …turns out that it was a fashion jacket, not an actual cold-weather jacket.
Anonymous
Also, Barbour jackets. They aren’t that warm. Really can’t figure out when they should be worn.
PolyD
Well, kind of.. one good rule is less wool = less warm. And for some reason I find wool/nylon blends to be very NOT warm. Related, synthetic down/fiberfill is less warm than real down, generally speaking.
Eddie Bauer and Lands End do a pretty good job of rating their coats for temperatures, but it’s still a little dependent on how hot or cold you run.
Panda Bear
First, I think about the type of coat – my general continuum (least warm to warmest) is trench coat/rain coat, wool or wool blend coat, and down puffer coat. Other factors include weight and thickness of the fabric, length, and what the lining is like. Some websites (I think LL Bean in particular) give specific descriptions or even temperature ratings for their coats. If I can try the coat on at a store, I just put it on and wander around in it for a little while in the store. If I can try it on at home, I’ll wear it around the house and stand outside for a little while to see how it feels in the current weather.
Chi Squared
I have figured out that my unlined trench coat is good down to about 50 degrees, my wool coat is good down to about 40, my lighter down coat is good down to the upper 20s. I usually break out the Canada Goose parka for mornings where the temperature is less than 30 degrees (F). The accessories also matter – a cashmere scarf is way warmer than wool and can extend the range of a coat by 5 degrees or more.
Anon0321
I mostly layer and always bring a giant pachmina type thing (h&m has the best ones) I tie around my purse handle, to use in case I get cold (I work in sf and live outside the fog zone so am constantly underestimating how cold it can get).
Anon
I’ve been having this exact same problem! I bought a jacket online because I needed it in a hurry (I lost my usual go-to jacket somewhere and had no time to shop) and it looked/sounded from the description like it would be light enough for So Cal weather… but I found myself sweating in it whenever I wore it and then just giving up and taking it off and carrying it. My solution was to go to an actual store and try on a wide array of jackets. But I noticed there were not very many there’s-a-chill-in-the-air-but-seriously-its-still-California level jackets available. I guess the department stores expect that everyone who lives here is going skiing?
Kate
Tips for working with a new assistant? I am an attorney (about 30) and my assistant has kids my age, maybe late 50s. She has assisted about 12 attorneys at my firm in the last 5-8 years. Pros- reliable, would stay late if I asked her, and I believe wants to work hard and do a good job. Cons – not comfortable with technology, forgetful.
I like her and hope to get a system in place where we both understand expectations, but I am struggling. In the last week, she changed my Excel sheets to Word docs because she doesn’t use Excel. She asked me what a redline is (a week after running redline comparisons for me). If I ask her to do project X just like she did project Y, she can’t remember project Y.
Pretend I can’t switch assistants. How would you handle? Do I schedule reminders on my calendar to see if she did xyz task? Have HR work with her to train her on things like redlines and Excel? If any assistants or paralegals/support are reading, what else can I do differently?
Blueberries
Pretending you can’t switch assistants at all, ever, I’d focus on getting her training. I’d try to sell it to her and to HR as a positive, investing in her career, etc. I’d also see if she there’s some way she can keep a log of new kinds of projects to jog her memory.
Anonymous
Maybe some “sample projects” so you can easily refer her to things when you want a redline or Excel doc or whatnot? (Yes definitely training for Excel!!!) Is your firm big enough that you have a dedicated Steno department where they can do some of this stuff for you like redlines, proofreading, Excel stuff (maybe? I usually use paralegals for that honestly)…
Anon
Absolutely focus on training. Not just on excel but also on your document management system so she can find old projects.
NOLA
Set specific development goals with a timetable. Discuss how she learns best (video training, one-on-one, etc).Set up training for her with someone other than you. I had a staff person like this. I would say “upload your spreadsheet to the Team Drive once a month” and she would say, “I did it” and it wasn’t there, so she had uploaded it to her Drive, or to the wrong folder. I finally started setting development goals with her and asked one of my other staff to help her do it when she needed help. I felt like it was too intimidating for it to be me and she could admit that she didn’t remember things. She could follow step by step instructions, but unfortunately, couldn’t really use the software effectively. I would also set up spreadsheets for her with built-in formulas to create summary sheets, etc. so she didn’t have to know how to do that.
Anon
Something to help you in the meantime too– try to figure out what she does and doesn’t do well and potentially structure your expectations based on that. For example, my old assistant was really good at (and loved to) proofread. She also was really good at document management. She had looked at every document before scanning it in and knew where they all were. My new assistant isn’t good at either of those things, but she is good at really, nit-picky formatting things, making random phone calls for me, putting together packets of info for meetings and court, etc. None of these things were things my previous assistant ever did for me.
sigh
Back at work after maternity leave. Just pumped 2 ounces of milk and..proceeded to spill it all over myself :( Literally crying over spilled milk here.
Anon0321
As someone who could only produce that amount in a day of painful pumping, I’m crying with you.
Anonymous
Well, that gave me a laugh. So thanks. Sorry about your spilt milk.
Anon Above
To clarify, the phrasing of your post gave me a laugh. Not the actual situation.
Anon
Been there, done that…
Nurse as soon as you get home. Pump before you go to bed. You can even pump just before baby nurses bc baby will get out of you what the pump cannot. And nurse as often as baby wants at night. And before you go to work in the morning. And take fenugreek till you smell like maple syrup. You can make it work!
But if it’s too much and you need/want to stop, don’t beat yourself up. The output of your b**bs do not define your worth as a parent. Lots of healthy babies/children/adults who were fed formula.
Personally, I got better at pumping at work as I got more experience with it. Takes practice. Did not get better at avoiding spills…