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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cassandra Sweater

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This wool crewneck sweater, which is a bestseller at Boden, is definitely on the casual side — for a casual office or a casual day at a conservative office. I love the stripes on the sleeves and down the middle of the back, and it's a very fun, happy way to elevate a basic. You could easily pair it with a pencil skirt or simple trousers, or even wear it under a suit blazer if you want a little bit of that cuff showing. It comes in gray, dark pink, and navy in sizes XS–XL at Nordstrom. It's getting great reviews there and at Boden, and it's $110 on both sites. Cassandra Sweater Bluefly has two lower-priced options, and in plus sizes (petite only, though), Talbots has a striped top with contrast cuffs. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

363 Comments

  1. Here’s a fun question for your morning! I’ve heard that French pharmacies sell wonderful skincare, etc. products. If you were going to France on vacation, what would be the top things you want to pick up?

      1. Nuxe Huile Prodigieuse – it smells amazing and is the most sold French pharmacy product ever.
        Anything from Nuxe, Avene or La Roche-Posay. I also like Melvita for natural products – they have a light BB cream that’s really nice. Sanoflore is another popular brand with high-end natural products.
        Just a note that a lot of French pharmaceuticals products are cheaper in “parapharmacies” such as Monoprix. Actual pharmacies are pretty small and focused on selling medication.

        1. I love Nuxe. I use Huile Prodigieuse as well as one of their eye creams and night creams. La Roche-Posay is my go-to sunscreen (I use one of the face-specific ones, and a different one for my arms and decolletage).

    2. Bioderma Atoderm Moisturising Lip Stick – I currently get it on Amazon, for $5 each, but I think it’s about $2 in France. It’s my favorite lip balm, smells amazing, actually moisturizes instead of drying out my lips.

    3. La Roche posay sunscreens anything from their anthelios line except the tinted ones because they are ashy on my rich skin tone, and i d also skip their spray sunscreen because it smells perfumey
      La roche posay Serozinc spray
      The whole Bioderma hydrabio line for my dehydrated skin
      A family size body lotion for babies and atopic skin. Any brand will do
      Caudalie creme sorbet just for how refreshing it is
      Nuxe reve de miel lip balm in the pot
      Roc keops deodorant
      Vichy normaderm or La Roche posay effaclar for acne prone skin

      1. I don’t buy hair products but assuming you don’t have natural curly hair: Klorane dry shampoos, Phyto hair care

    4. I was there recently and my favorite was the Roge Cavailles shower oil. Inexpensive but oh so luxurious feeling. Also really like the Bioderma micellar water.

    5. Caudalie and Klorane are great brands. You can probably get them at Sephora but I imagine they are cheaper in France, and probably a much wider selection of stuff. Fun!

      Klorane dry shampoo and Caudalie fash wash are both amazing.

  2. Hi Hive. Wanted to give you an update and ask for guidance since I respect the opinions of the regular posters here.

    I’m the person who posted about finding out her boyfriend was a convicted felon [fraud-related]. Since then, my life has basically exploded.

    I had to face the facts and accept that I’m in deep in a financial abuse situation that came along with a huge amount of years-long constant emotional/verbal abuse. I feel like an idiot for allowing him to manipulate me in this way— heavy use of my credit cards because he had a liquidity problem with stock compensation after quitting his job, purchasing a car in my name that he promised to pay off and retitle, he even paid his own attorney fees on my credit card. For a little while, he did pay things off. But then he stopped– conveniently when everything was maxed out.

    Every month he’d ignore the minimum payments, refuse to look at statements, knowing how much it stressed me out because there’s no way I could afford to pay everything on my own. After a year of this rigamarole every month, I’ve had to accept he’s never going to pay what he owes me. In a phone call yesterday, even a lifelong friend of his conceded that he is a master manipulator and has probably pulled similar things before.

    Before all the debt started, I even quit my job at his suggestion/with his support to start a company and begin building a solid base of income that could carryover for our plan to move to a different part of the country. But then he would complain every time I worked for more than 4 hours and constantly interrupted me. So of course that solid base of income is still a work in progress.

    Logistically, I’m finally out safe. I returned to my home state, but now I’m trying to sort the mess and pick up the pieces.

    Legally, it doesn’t seem like much can be done in a situation like this. We weren’t married. Theoretically, I knew about the charges so it’s not identity theft. I don’t know how/if coercion can be proven. Debt is about 2x my current annual income and filing for bankruptcy will have public and shameful repercussions on my profession. It may be my only path out because I’m not sure I’d be able to afford minimum payments even if I pursued a debt management plan. I’m looking for new jobs, but my credit is already shot and I’m not sure I’d pass any pre-employment screening in my industry. But I’m trying.

    I’m so ashamed.

    Searching for financial abuse assistance doesn’t really lead to much of anything that’s helpful in my situation. I called the National Domestic Abuse hotline, but the referrals I got were more toward emergency situations.

    Does anyone else know where to find help evaluating my options?

    Or have any other advice?

    1. I’m so, so sorry to hear this. What an utter nightmare.

      Have you talked with a lawyer, and I’ll leave this board to recommend which type….?

      1. I haven’t spoken with a lawyer since I’m not sure what can be done.

        Right now, I’m trying to preserve my remaining cash for basic living expense. My ex is quite fond of drawn out legal battles for any reason.

        1. I would talk to a lawyer if you can because *they* would be able to tell you what can be done. Some offer a free or cheap initial consultation, fwiw.

          I’m so sorry, and I’m glad you’re out safe.

          1. +1

            Yes, I really think you should talk with one. Even just one visit could be very helpful. You never know….

          2. What’s the best way to find an attorney who works with this type of situation? Google? Justia directory? And what would be the right specialty to search by? Domestic violence?

          3. SuperAnon, I think what you would want is a family law attorney who has experience with domestic violence. Is there the equivalent of a Legal Aid in your state? The Legal Aid in NY has a civil practice (not just criminal defense), which handles family law/financial matters, and economic abuse for domestic violence survivors.

            Hugs. I hope things turn around for you soon. You’re incredibly strong to have gotten out from that terrible situation.

    2. First I want to say kudos to you for getting out safely – what you did was very brave. Don’t blame yourself – abusers perfect their techniques and it’s not your fault that your former partner abused you in this way.

      I don’t have any advice on the financial part but I hope you find the support you need as you move forward and rebuild your life.

      1. I want to echo this. I’m sure it seems impossible not to blame yourself right now, but I hope you can repeat to yourself that the responsibility for this is on him, not you, until you start to believe it. You will get through this because you were strong enough to realize what was happening and take the huge step of getting out. Hugs.

        1. A million times this. It wasn’t your fault: you were lied to and manipulated by someone who you loved and trusted. You are so, so strong, and you will get through this.

      2. Me too. Kudo’s for getting out. Yes you are out $, but you still have your health and your life. This guy could have gotten violent and who knows how much worse it could have been. This is the probelem when we date (and have s-x with) men who are on the edge like this dude. Yes, it is great to be with a guy who is “on the go”, but each time stuff like this happens, we are left holding the bag. If you were not married to him, you are better off, even tho you cannot claim against his next employer for a garnishment b/c you were onley haveing s-x with him but not under the rubric of marrage. I do feel for you b/c my ex was manipulative like yours, except that he did NOT steal my money, just ruined my apartement and furnishings. So it could be worse for both of us. I say FOOEY to men like we had b/c there was NO real benefit for me as even the s-x was BAD. DOUBEL FOOEY on both of our ex boyfreinds!

    3. I’m so sorry. I send you hugs and strength. This chapter in your life will not be forever, I promise. You will feel good again. There’s nothing wrong with you that caused this to happen to you, it’s all on him.

    4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m afraid I don’t have solid recommendations for where to look for financial assistance – does your city have any departments that might help?

      I am sure you already know this, but absolutely do not pick up if he calls you, EVER. Again, really sorry this happened to you.

    5. allstate foundation specifically focuses on the financial aspect of domestic violence through their purple purse program.

    6. I’m sorry this happened. I can answer the specific financial questions. The first thing you will want to do is call a credit counseling agency. This should be a nonprofit organization (like Consumer Credit Counseling of Wherever) who will sit down with you and have approximately a 2 hour consultation and determine if they can assist you in developing a payment plan with your creditors.

      If they determine you can pay – They will require you to turn off all but usually 1 credit card and it will appear on your credit report that you are in a debt management/credit counseling program. They’ll set up a plan where your creditors reduce your interest rates on your now closed accounts and give you a three-five year payoff plan. This will appear on your credit report for five – seven years, much like a bankruptcy would, but it will get you out of debt and help rebuild your credit. They will take a small monthly fee – think like $50 – but won’t charge thousands up front. If someone tells you they are a Debt Settlement organization that will settle your credit cards for pennies on the dollar but takes huge fees, RUN. It’ll wreck your credit and honestly, you could just settle the cards yourself.

      If they determine there is no way you can pay – they will refer you to a bankruptcy attorney. Going through credit counseling is actually a required step to file bankruptcy, so if you end up at BKO, you wouldn’t have wasted your time.

      This sucks and I’m sorry it’s happening.

      1. This is excellent advice. My local Goodwill organization actually offers therapy and credit counseling services at low or no cost.

      2. This is all great advice.

        I would also suggest that you put a freeze on your credit to make sure he does not obtain any new credit in your name.

        You can do this. Leaving is absolutely the hardest part. You are now on your way to a better place.

        1. Yes look at the 7 year total credit freeze – you have to pay a small fee to the three different agencies Equifax, Experian and trans union, but it is totally worth it. If you want to apply for credit during this period, you have to give them a pin that only you know. Otherwise, no credit. And don’t store this pin on your iPhone. Lord knows he probably has access to your iCloud.

    8. I’m really sorry to hear about this. All the best wishes that it works out well.

      As a tangent, this statement “even a lifelong friend of his conceded that he is a master manipulator and has probably pulled similar things before” is so crazy to me. I completely believe it, but who are these people that are lifelong friends with someone they concede is a master manipulator and cons people out of money?!! Why?!

      1. This is the same thing I wanted to know. How does this person have genuine friends, unless the “friend” is also a master manipulator or other unsavory type?

        1. I guess ‘childhood friend’ would be a better descriptor since the relationship has quite a bit of distance nowadays. I think there’s some warped guy code where people don’t feel comfortable warning away a new girlfriend of a ‘friend’.

          Though the friend did say he tried to drop hints the few times I met him.

          1. “I think there’s some warped guy code where people don’t feel comfortable warning away a new girlfriend of a ‘friend’.”

            There totally is. After I finally broke up with my physically/financially/emotionally abusive ex, his “friends” came out of the woodwork to tell me they are glad I left. Next time, warn someone.

    9. This sucks, and I’m so sorry, but you can move past this. You took the hardest, first step.

      Minimize your current expenses. Can you move home? Sell the car? Consider applying for public benefits if you qualify (no shame – there’s a safety net in place for a reason, as a bridge to help people get back on their feet.) Keep looking for a job in your field, but find something – anything – to make some cash in the meantime (something like bartending – doesn’t typically interfere with normal working hours to look for a job in your field, you’ll have cash on hand for daily expenses.)

      I did this for a year after a divorce. It sucked, and it felt like I was taking 3-steps backwards. I rode a bike (in Minnesota!) for four years, shopped at thrift stores and learned how to sew, swallowed my pride and went to a food bank a handful of times, worked three part-time jobs while finishing school.

      I’m a successful attorney now and I just paid off my student loans last month. You can do this.

    10. Just as an FYI, there is a provision in the bankruptcy code that precludes employers from denying you employment because of a bankruptcy. There are also a lot of different kinds, and it could be viewed positively rather than negatively. I’d suggest talking to a local bankruptcy lawyer in your area as they may have the best suggestions for your situation.

      1. Bankruptcy attorney here- please talk to one. There may be a really good option for you that would wipe it all out and let you start over, and most bankruptcy attorneys offer a free consultation.

    11. First, wow – that is just so terrible, and you didn’t deserve it and don’t have anything you need to be ashamed of. One of the things that seems so terrible about it is that it could have happened to anyone, you just happened to be the person he latched onto.

      I don’t have specific advice, but mostly am commenting to say that you sound both resilient and incredibly resourceful. Hopefully the rest of the hive has more specific resources for you.

    12. I remember your post. Congratulations on taking that difficult first step. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there with a con-artist ex, though not to the extent you are dealing with, and I just want to tell you THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Some people are just master manipulators. They know how to work people and the system so you just never see it coming. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t try to figure out what signs you missed and how you let it happen. You’ll only make yourself crazy trying to see clues that just aren’t there. Good luck to you and I hope all works out. Karma will get even with your ex in due time.

    13. HUGS!

      I’m proud of your for fighting your way out of this. You’ve got this!

      In terms of legal help, in my experience (I’ve worked in a different field, but at approximately the same scale) a lot of the smaller practices will have a quick-ish call with you to see if there’s anything to be done. This is especially true if you get a referral from someone who knows the attorney. I’m not saying you’ll get free legal advice, but you’re likely to get “yeah I think we could sue him” or “I’m sorry, nothing I can see to do here.”

    14. What state are you in now? What state was this in? Broadly speaking, what industry are you in?

      1. Georgia and Florida are the states involved. I’m in the financial industry which is why I’m struggling with the shame aspect.

        1. I know that funds are very, very tight now, but consider talking to a career coach who could point you towards a part of the industry wherein your credit would not be as big an issue.

          Some states, like MA, bar the use of credit reports for pre-employment screening unless the employee would have access to financial information.

          And, hug?

    15. No advice, just wanted to echo others saying this is NOT YOUR FAULT, and congratulations for taking the big big step of getting out of that situation. It will be a rough road for a while but you can do it!

    16. I remember your other post, and I’m proud of you for leaving that situation. This is not your fault, and you are being brave and making a good choice.

      I would consider bankruptcy. If your credit is already shot, and you have no income, and you can’t make payments…that’s why bankruptcy is there. Its a fresh start. You should be able to do a free consultation with a bankruptcy lawyer (or a few), and I recommend you contact your local legal aid that may do your case for free. In my state, bankruptcy is “public” in that you can go to the state capital to the federal courthouse and can do a search in a computer located there. Otherwise, its not published in a legal notice in the paper. I would give it serious consideration. Otherwise, you face an uphill battle paying back debt that wasn’t really “yours” to begin with.

    17. In addition to other suggestions, you could contact a consumer protection attorney for the credit card aspect. Some law schools actually offer clinics to qualifying individuals. My law school actually had a consumer protection clinic and a family law clinic where law students practiced under supervising faculty attorneys (in accordance with state laws). It was not uncommon for the clinics to work together on matters.

    18. I can’t tell for sure from your description, but if he lied to you or stole money, you may be the victim of a crime and prosecutors will be more interested in your case because he has a criminal history. You may want to contact the department of finance or similar organization in the state where you were living. The FBI might be an option as well since most financial crimes can be prosecuted federally (e.g. wire fraud).

      I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you got out and are safe now. Don’t be ashamed of filing for bankruptcy if you have to. You’ve gotten great advice on the financial side and I hope for the best for you.

    19. I am so sorry. Everything is going to be better from now on.

      I listened to a podcast about a woman who was the victim of identity theft/fraud, and she slowly figured out that it was actually her long term, live in boyfriend. I think it was an episode of This American Life. Perhaps someone here remembers more specifically which episode. It may help you to listen to and realize you’re not alone – this is actually pretty common.

      2. So sorry about all of this. I listed to one about a woman who was the victim of identity theft/fraud by her mother. It was on Audible.

    20. Sending you more support and sympathy. As others have said, this isn’t your fault and you have been incredibly strong in taking the steps you already have. I hope some of the resources above will give you some assistance in getting your life back. We will all be thinking of you.

        1. I remember your post well. I am so impressed with how quickly you got out. You are doing great work. To echo it again: This is not your fault. You’re amazing and capable and smart and resourceful.

  3. I forgot about this and have not seen mention of it anywhere:

    Saudi women driving

    This is fantastic! [I am not Saudi or Muslim but lived in the area as a child and had to take taxis everywhere. IIRC, the Prophet Mohammed’s favorite wife, Aisha, drove camels in battle, so I am hoping that people are remembering that and that all is well with this development.]

    1. It’s a positive development for women in Saudi Arabia. Now to address the rest of the severe, unrelenting problems they face every day…

    2. It’s a good step, but women who wish to drive must get permission from a male guardian and the activists for the movement are still in jail, so there are a lot of flies in the ointment.

    3. Good first step but being from a (not conservative) Muslim family, don’t underestimate the number of super conservative dads and husbands who won’t allow this. But it’s still a positive because as 5% or 10% of women start driving, it’ll seem more ok and then it’ll grow to 20%, 30% etc. I like this new crown prince. By Saudi standards he’s progressive. More McKinsey than Wahibbi as they say.

  4. The raspberry one makes the model look a bit . . . pregnant? postpartum? The torso looks too long to have a band at the bottom. If this is how it looks on the model, I fear how it would be on short-torso pear-shaped me.

    Otherwise, it is very cute.

    1. I sure wish I looked like that pregnant or postpartum. It’s a boxy sweater, but the model in no way looks pregnant.

    2. I think its a problem with the style. For me, with a large chest and mid/short torso, all three would not be a good look for me because it would make my middle look bigger.

    3. That’s just the way the sweater falls. She doesn’t look pregnant, she looks like she’s wearing a sweater that has a band at the bottom.

    5. Hahaha she does not in any way look pregnant.

      I get kind of offended at this constant she-looks-pregnant criticism of clothing on here. I am not a size zero model and I’m sure you all would think i look pregnant every day.

      1. I actually have this as a problem (and why, why is it always with Boden?). It is a bizarre problem to have. But it is not a good look if you are not pregnant.

  5. I am lawyer that graduated 3 years ago. After 1 year of state clerkship, I have been at my current firm since (almost 2 years). I am considering applying for a AUSA position in the state where I am from, but that is pretty far from where I live now and where I went to law school. I need to update my resume, as I haven’t updated it since I was applying for jobs during my clerkship. What experiences do I include? Currently, I have my clerkship + all my law school experiences + my experience for a few years before law school. Would I remove a lot of the law school experiences (i.e. some of the summer positions, etc?) and just focus on my clerkship, my current position, and one or two law school experiences that are most relevant? I think I should keep my pre law school experience because it was in the same geographic area as the position I’m applying for. Thoughts? Also, do I still keep education at the top of the resume and include class rank/gpa/journal/activities/etc? I feel like I was such a pro at resumes during law school, but I’m not sure how to do it now after practicing for a short time. Thank you!

    1. Did you go to college in the area that you are from? If so, that tie will already be on the resume. Other way, I would remove the pre-law school experience (unless it is somehow substantive related (i.e., you worked at a bank and are trying to get in to banking regulation)) and focus on law school and your activities since. Unrelated pre-law school experience just isn’t that relevant to a law job search.

      Regardless of whether it is reflected on the resume, your cover letter should highlight your connections to the area and how you one of the benefits of this opportunity is that it would allow you to return to the area where you want to settle.

      1. Thank you. Yes, I did go to undergrad in that area. The pre law school experience isn’t related to the field, but I found during my last job search that people really liked it. But I may remove it. I have a lot of experiences during law school (summer stuff, job at a firm, internships, etc.) .. should I limit those to the most relevant?

    2. Education should go to the bottom of a resume if you are working and no longer in school. I would reach out to your school’s career office–they should help alums, not just current students.

      I would also contact alumni in any AUSA office to ask how best to apply, whether you are the right “vintage”, if they have any tips for the interview process, etc. My understanding from putting a law school classmate in touch with a friend who is an AUSA is that they typically look for folks 5-7 years out who can “independently” run cases, which makes me think that you would be too junior, but that could be incorrect. I know there are some AUSAs on this board, so I hope someone will chime in. Also, you could certainly ask within your firm if there are any AUSAs and just grab coffee, saying you were curious what their experience was like and wanted to know more, because you have kicked around the idea of being an AUSA but don’t know much about it. Informational interviews for the win!

      Remember that a resume is not a laundry list of everything you’ve done. It’s a marketing document that positions you in a certain way. Once you know more about what AUSA hiring managers are seeking, you can highlight experiences that are relevant to that.

      Best of luck!

      2. I disagree with this advice. Law is one field in once your education should be at the top for a long time after you graduate. Maybe if you had 20 years of experience I would feel different. But with 3 years, education should be at the top. Other law-school experiences should be at the bottom, I agree.

        1. Lawyer here and also agree, educational pedigree matters a lot, especially so early in your career.

        2. To each their own on this point… I got a new job (biglaw) six years out of law school and had my education after my work experience of my resume. Even with three years, I would put it after my work experience.

          1. Agree – I’m five years out and recently moved in-house. I also interviewed at some biglaw firms.
            My resume has my work experience first.

    3. While hiring practices of USAO’s vary a lot district by district, they will all look for evidence on your resume of a commitment to public service (so be sure to highlight any pro bono or other public service experience) and any experience you have speaking in court or similar (i.e. depositions or arbitrations are better than endless legal research). Also at least in my office a personal reference from a current or former AUSA carries a lot of weight. Do you know anyone who works/worked there? Even if only remotely, in my experience AUSAs love talking about their jobs and they would at minimum be able to give you good advice and who knows, maybe they’ll send an email to the person in charge of hiring telling them to look out for your app.

      also I still keep education at the top and all the applicants to my office do as well. so for whatever that’s worth.

  6. Did anyone see that the American Library Association is dropping Laura Ingalls Wilder’s name from one of its prestigious book awards due to the depictions of Native Americans and black Americans in her books? From the NYTimes:

    “Wilder’s books are a product of her life experiences and perspective as a settler in America’s 1800s,” the association’s president, Jim Neal, and the president of the children’s division, Nina Lindsay, said in the statement. “Her works reflect dated cultural attitudes toward Indigenous people and people of color that contradict modern acceptance, celebration, and understanding of diverse communities.”

    Personally, my approach to those sections of the books has been to read with a critical eye and to comment on how what was commonplace then is no longer acceptable now. I maintain that they are wonderful books for children with that caveat regarding a critical read.

    1. Thanks for posting this. I have recently been thinking about many of our “classic” children’s books, and whether they are still relevant for kids today. I was more concerned about how they depict women, class etc… and honestly I had forgotten the race issues in the Little House books.

      I actually decided not to buy my niece Nancy Drew books, thinking they were just silly in this day and age, and I am actually regretting buying her Little Women (!). And I’m a little embarrassed with myself that I love the old British period dramas that have just ridiculous romanticized depictions of women…. essentially being sold into marriage slavery (particularly in the ridiculous upper class).

      Should we be filtering these for our kids? Maybe… until they can read them with a critical eye too?

      1. Unfortunately, no one seems to care about women/class issues in the Little House book controversy, even though child marriage occurs and women are pretty strictly relegated to lives of domestic drudgery. I general, women’s issues are still perceived as natural or inevitable so there is less outrage over human rights violations, even when readers are critically examining other types of oppression.

        1. I am missing the child marriage angle — who was the child who got married? Which book was this in?

          I loved those books and really don’t remember this. Or maybe I’m thinking that teens got married (which seems unremarkable — Seventeen magazine had a bridal / wedding issue when I was a kid for girls getting married out of high school).

          1. Teens getting married is child marriage, FYI. Laura was married before age 18 and one of her cousins was married at age 14 in The Shores of Silver Lake.

          2. There is a child marriage in By the Shores of Silver Lake, which Laura finds objectionable.

          3. I disagree. Child marriage I see as pre-puberty, with actual children (IMO children is a narrower subset of minors).

            Laura was working when she got married and was adulting in a way that I can probably never expect of my actual children today. Cousin Lena, IMO was probably married off b/c she was either pregnant or likely to become pregnant based on how Ma described her permissive parents allowing Lena to be with the men working on the railroad (having a baby seemed to always emancipate a woman, no matter how old). At any rate, adulting was something that happened earlier than and I don’t see the clutching of pearls. It’s not like most girls were going to high school or college or had any more learning to do before they were able to do adult things back then. It’s not like they were marrying off girls who were prepubescent, which is what I think of then and now as child brides.

            Today many states still allow minors to be married with parental consent. These laws aren’t new. This is what our history is, along with most of the world’s.

          4. That’s still child marriage even if it’s legal in some states and 14 was almost certainly pre-pubescent back then (when girls went through puberty later on average). Refer to the UN and WHO for more information, not your own memories of what Seventeen Magazine said.

          5. I thought the child getting married was a girl that Lena and Laura visit while out riding, not cousin Lena, and they soberly talk about how her childhood is over?

          6. Eh, if average life expectancy was 50, and your parents had a houseful of kids to feed, I don’t think, _culturally at the time_ that marrying before you were 18 was all that unusual. Certainly we can look through things from today’s lens, and be critical, but you also have to look through the lens of that time to understand what was happening and why, then.

          7. Teens getting married in the 1800s is not child marriage. You were an adult by 16/17. Settler life had no room for adolescence until 22.

          8. In the book it was a 13 year old girl who was married, which was especially shocking because Laura was also 13.

          9. So the shockingness of a 13 year old being married was apparent in the book. I think it would be apparent now. I’m not seeing what the problem is. It’s not like this is OMG wow lets do this.

          10. Child marriage is marriage before the age of 18 and it is a major cause of lack of education, early mortality, and poor health among girls worldwide. The whole point of this discussion is that we are judging the books through a modern-day lens, not what was acceptable back then. If you agree that the books depict Native Americans in an offensive light given what we know now, then you should also agree that child marriage was wrong too.

          11. Even Laura was saying that marriage at 14 wasn’t great. But I think we all agree that marriage on the frontier as an older teen didn’t limit the opportunities available to them as adults — it’s what launched them into adulthood.

            IMO, childbearing even at 18 was often lethal for women, so moving the age of marriage before modern obstetrical care and antibiotics wasn’t likely to change that much. Sadly.

            We’re not all from latte towns, we certainly weren’t back in the 1800s.

          12. Marriage on the frontier still did limit opportunities. Laura wasn’t able to graduate from high school because she got married instead and I believe married women were also not allowed to teach school.

          13. I think that marriage on the frontier was the opportunity, 99% of the time. Otherwise, you’d be a spinster living at home forever.

          14. I know, right? And there were no gender non-binary characters represented in her book either! Where’s the diversity?

            Seriously though, as an avowed liberal here, where do we draw the line? Do we only read books written now? Do i not get to read Hemingway because he was a sexist pig?

        2. “women are pretty strictly relegated to lives of domestic drudgery”

          Right — there was no whole foods to shop in on the frontier and hardly a yoga class to be found.

          IMO, back then, everyone had lives of drudgery punctuated by malaria and scarlet fever.

          1. And Laura is a schoolteacher and helps with the harvest and Mary goes to college.

          2. Laura’s teacher test’s grammar part still impresses me. So sad that my kids probably won’t learn to diagram sentences in school (in which case, how, HOW will they ever master a foreign language, which seems to be where the grammar chickens come home to roost)?

          3. I didn’t learn to diagram sentences in school. I’m 34. I learned French just fine.

          4. I’d argue that the women among the settlers probably had more freedom. Harder living conditions, but fewer people enforcing the “you can’t do that” stuff of the era.

            Which is why Wyoming was the first to grant women the right to vote and Montana ended up with the first female representative to Congress.

          5. Pioneer women were fierce. I don’t think I’d cross one. Not surprised that they did well.

            [I wonder if the worried what to wear in Congress. My guess is they probably didn’t give a fig.]

      2. Do you want kids to read or not? They’re classics because kids enjoy them. Sanitize everything too much and no one reads.

        1. Well, there are tons more children’s books these days to choose from. I think it is useful to stop automatically thinking the classics will always be classics. Especially when some parts are really shameful. And most parents are not thoughtfully reading along with their kids to explain and think critically.

          1. And they shouldn’t. Let kids read. Alone. Independently. Whatever they want. That’s how you get readers.

          2. I think that a lot of kids have empathy and innate senses of when people are being treated unfairly. They read with today’s eyes.

          3. You know how you get kids to read critically? Give them a variety of things to read, and give them the tools to read about history (not just fiction). They’ll figure it out. And you know the fastest way to get a kid to read a book – tell them they can’t read *THAT* one.

            Honestly – I don’t really remember the depictions of the Native Americans from the books, I remember the struggles the settlers went through and it provided a context when you start learning about the Oregon Trail and Western Expansion in history class. The books then become a data point, but not the totality of knowledge. We can’t whitewash history to suit modern sensibilities about old attitudes.

          4. I agree with this. I definitely was formed by being allowed to roam the “adult” section of the library freely starting at age 11 when I had run out of books in the “children’s” section of the library. There was no such thing as “young adult” books in the 1970s; I more or less went right from Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys to Agatha Christie.

            Now, maybe letting me read The Thorn Birds at 14 was not my mom’s best decision ever, but that had to do with the – ahem – adult situations rather than anything else.

          5. Ms. B — you didn’t take a spin through VC Andrews? As awful as they were, they were such a mark of passage to me.

          6. Haha. My parents didn’t let me see “R” movies until I was about 15 (of course, I broke the rules at friends’ houses), but they didn’t say anything about Flowers in the Attic and a dozen more V.C. Andrews books. Good times.

        2. I thought the consensus was that it was fine to read Mark Twain (despite the use of the “n” word in his books) because it’s a way to spur discussion into what things were really like in those days, and understand that he was reflecting the norms of the day.

          Should we not read To Kill a Mockingbird?

          This is ridiculous. I am not a personal fan of the LIW books (just never cared for them) but they reflect a certain period in history. Let’s learn and talk critically about those eras, instead of just pretending that they don’t exist. It’s very 1984-ish to me.

      3. I sympathize, but I wouldn’t regret buying Little Women (maybe buy Joe’s Boys and Little Men for balance). Education, gender roles, social class dynamics, and race relations are all portrayed critically in Louisa May Alcott. She shouldn’t be compared to Wilder.

        1. Also, IRL I know that Alcott’s family was staunchly abolitionist. I think they talk about the Civil War in Little Women, too.

      4. Nancy Drew isn’t remotely silly. She was an independent woman solving mysteries in an era where women were more decorative. And hats off to her friend George — where else did you see women who were not traditionally feminine portrayed positively?

        1. Yes! The fact that Nancy had a boyfriend who was totally apart from her real work and who never really got in her way is not something your see every day. Plus one plump bestie and one with a masculine edge? All up side.

        2. There are actually some Nancy Drew movies, made in the 1930s. For the era, Nancy was IN CHARGE.

    2. I don’t think that the award name means that they’re not wonderful books, but that they wanted to change the name of an award to reflect current values.

      2. +1000 I’m a librarian and a member of ALA and I totally supported the change. I have no problems with the books remaining in libraries (and seriously doubt that a significant number, if any at all, are being pulled from shelves) but the name of the award needed updating.

    3. My family read them with the critical eye you recommend, and loved them. I would still give them as gifts. But the depictions of POC are horrific and the tone of the series is completely unreservedly in favor of the colonialist land grab. So I think it’s perfectly reasonable that the ALA reconsider their official stance.

      1. I’m not sure if it’s because my mother explained it to me as she read them to me, but the thing I remember most from the depictions of the Native Americans is the march of the Trail of Tears, which was depicted as a terrible, sorrowful injustice.

        1. +1. I agree that the Trail of Tears was depicted as what it truly was, but there’s no doubt that the tone of the series overall is pro-settler. Native Americans are scarcely mentioned after the first few books.

          1. Maybe bc LIW wrote the book she wanted to write, and didn’t feel obligated to write from points of view not her own? Can’t win for losing. If she’d gone on and on about Native Americans, she would have been criticized for writing outside her own box.

    4. I take the same approach. Instead of throwing out every book that reflects outdated attitudes, we should tackle them head-on with our kids and explicitly address the offensive and outdated material. Not everything fits neatly into the binary categories of “good” or “bad.” Exposure to complexity is good for kids–it teaches them to think critically and challenge assumptions. Erasing all offensive material from the literary canon also whitewashes history. Reading primary sources such as the Little House books drives home the historical reality of racism in a far more powerful way than reading about it in a history book.

      1. If my kids read only sanitized stuff, they’d think that there was no racism, etc. ever in the history of the world. They probably wouldn’t really even understand the history of the world. Which is really not doing them any favors.

        1. Or they could read books that show the history of racism from the perspective of the people being oppressed. I’m going to let my kids read whatever they want (and talk about it with them) but the idea that you can only learn about racism by reading racist books is pretty silly.

      2. I agree with this comment. The books ARE complex in their themes – there is struggle and uncertainty, hard work and starvation, death, simple pleasures, independence and exploration. There is no “good” or “bad” dichotomy in any of the passages of any of the books.

      4. No one is throwing out the books. They’re changing the name of the award, that’s all.

        1. Honestly, I’m glad my mom is out of the country right now because I KNOW she’d bring this up with some statement like, “oh, isn’t it terrible we can’t read the Laura Ingalls Wilder books anymore because of you liberals.” She’s tremendously devoted to them – her grandmother had a claim (which is still family property), her aunt knew Rose Wilder Lane, and her mom and sisters taught in one-room schoolhouses in SW Oklahoma during the Depression. And I loved the books as a kid – though Farmer Boy was my favorite since it seemed like they always had enough to eat and nothing terrible happened to the family. But for pity’s sake, there is an ACTUAL MINSTREL SHOW in one of the later books and the stuff about Indians made my skin crawl even as a teenager.

          I’ve tried to get my daughter to read the books, but we’re deep into Harry Potter and I just don’t think she’s all that interested. More evidence of my substandard parenting…

    5. I know. I’m a bit sad. I do agree — we read what we read with our sensibilities today. My main takeaway from reading all of those books as a kid was how hard people worked just to survive and their gratitude for simple things. I was not surprised to learn as an adult that western states gave women in the US the first rights to vote based on their full and equal participation in being pioneers and settlers — those preserves aren’t going to make themselves. It all made a lot more sense. Now, I wonder if my daughters will have a same appreciation of the past in the U.S. that I did. The TV show IMO didn’t show the hardships or the work involved like the books did.

      I also read the Bible (and I 100% prefer the King James Version, even though our church doesn’t use that version anymore), but I am not a fan when Genesis gives instructions for selling your daughter into slavery. Some parts are just great works of literature, other parts are not my favorites.

      1. That was my main takeaway from the books as well, or at least the takeaway that I remember. It’s quite possible I also internalized the attitudes toward Native Americans and not realized it, or maybe my dad (who was reading them to me) might have given me context. I don’t think it’s as simple as “books with racism make children racist” versus “no they don’t!”

      2. I think for me, the Little House books will always hold a dear place in my heart. I read The Long Winter in second grade and was damn proud of myself for being able to read a book that long. I credit these books with sparking my love of reading and trying to learn how to chop wood, start a fire, cook, sew, etc. “If Laura can do it, so can I” was my attitude. I can see now that there were racist ideas and women weren’t really held in the highest esteem, but even as an 8 year old I was learning in school to respect Native American culture (and to call them Native Americans) and we spent all of February each year I was in elementary school focused on Black History Month. Never once did it cross my mind that because someone from over a HUNDRED AND TWENTY years ago treated a person a certain way that it meant I should treat someone that way.

        Attitudes change. I hope that if I have kids who read these books, they will understand that they are works of fiction that represent a time that, by the time I have kids, will probably be close to 150 years prior.

    6. I don’t think it’s wrong to lower problematic historical authors from their pedestals, but Mark Twain’s boyhood home and museum is an ALA Literary Landmark, and ALA regularly endorses his books as Must Reads, so their actions are just a mite bit contradictory.

      1. They also mention in the NYT article that Dr. Seuss was an award recipient, but some of his books had extremely racist portrayals of Asians.

      2. This is my issue. I’m all for celebrating our current values through awards. But the first one they target is on the short list of women writers?While white men continue to be celebrated regardless of how offensive their writing is.

    7. From the ALA’s statement, “Changing the name of the award should not be viewed as an attempt to censor, limit, or deter access to Wilder’s books and materials, but rather as an effort to align the award’s title with ALSC’s core values. This change should not be viewed as a call for readers to change their personal relationship with or feelings about Wilder’s books. Updating the award’s name should not be construed as censorship, as we are not demanding that anyone stop reading Wilder’s books, talking about them, or making them available to children.”

      1. This is very important! The ALA isn’t censoring the books, removing them from shelves, recalling them, burning them, or advising parents not to let their kids read them, they’re just. Changing. The name. Of the. Award. Nothing is being “sanitized.”

        I don’t agree with banned books, and I don’t think these should be banned. That said, if individuals and private institutions choose to take further action, in light of realizing that these books have racist portrayals, let them, that’s their prerogative! I do think schools and parents should provide context for the kids reading these books, and help them understand that this was the way people of color were perceived back in those days, but that those perceptions weren’t necessarily accurate or okay.

      2. I recall finding many Mark Twain books far more racist than anything by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I would probably be loathe to encourage my kids to read Mark Twain (but would let them read it if they wanted to do so.)

    9. Sadly, I think this move is going to rev up Trump supporters big-time. The Little House books are HUGE for many rural conservatives.

      1. “Sadly, I think this move is going to rev up Trump supporters big-time. The Little House books are HUGE for many rural conservatives.”

        I am a liberal, and this is where I wring my hands and say – what is WITH you people – don’t you understand that some liberals’ constant state of offense over everything in the world just drives more people to Trump? 3-2-1 for “special snowflakes can’t even handle Little House on the Prairie without whining.”

        1. That’s not how it works actually; you are buying into propaganda. We are offended because neo right wing rhetoric is offensive. Pretending we are not solves nothing. Trump was inflicted on us; to say that us showing our genuine feelings feeds into that is blaming the victim.

      2. Meh, we librarians tend to be a lefty bunch and were already on the outs with Trump supporters anyway (if we were ever on their radar).

        1. It’s not about librarians. Stuff like this makes national news and the large number of people who don’t identify as far left/ultra PC roll their eyes and think “if this is what being liberal in America means today then maybe I’m not so liberal.” I love LIW’s books and don’t think we can judge historical figures by today’s standards, and this news made me sad. I consider myself liberal and voted for Hillary, and obviously I’m not going to vote for Trump or other Republicans because of this, but I do think it’s ridiculous and can see why it drives moderate-left people like me to the right.

          1. Wait, renaming an award from being in honor of an author who published books 70+ years ago and whose books have problematic portrayals of Native Americans and others to something more inclusive has driven you to the right?! I’d argue you were already to the right in that case. We need to do better by our children than just going along with what was always done. I’d also argue that for this generation of children, LIW is a FAR less familiar author than she was to those born in the 80s and earlier, and is losing ground to many others.

            Look, I grew up with LIW’s books and I think we can still use them and appreciate them for what they are… one woman’s portrayal of American pioneers (filtered heavily through her libertarian daughter’s eyes). We still teach and have children read a number of books with problematic ideas or whose authors held deeply problematic views, but it needs to be through a lens of the recognition of racism and encouragement of perspectives that were blotted out.

          2. Agreed. I am also moderate-left and I am so tired of the liberal agenda revolving around identity politics and who’s the most PC/woke.

    10. Renaming the award “Children’s Literature Legacy Award” is so bland and deliberately inoffensive. Guess it was hard to find a writer’s name who wasn’t “problematic” in some way.

      1. Possibly, or maybe they had a few ideas, but no clear front-runner everyone could agree on, and they knew it would be a long, drawn-out process to determine which author the award would now be named after – I’m picturing a Parks and Rec town hall-esque meeting that just goes in a bad direction; and they decided it wasn’t worth it, because the award didn’t actually need to be named after a person, so they figured this name was the easiest thing to do.

      2. Have you considered that “Children’s Literature Legacy Award” is simply a more clear and accurate statement of what the award represents? Applying an individual’s name to an award implies that the award recipients are reflecting the values of that individual and deifies them in a way that can be almost always be found problematic. If the award is for children’s literature, call it that. Not everything has to have a person’s name attached to be prestigious.

        1. Ok, but they specifically said they were removing her name because of racist portrayals of Native Americans in her books. Let’s call this what it is. They weren’t renaming the award because “Children’s Literature Legacy Award” was clearer.

        2. Bland city though.

          If you win a named prize, like PEN/Faulkner or a James Beard award or a Pritzker prize, it’s a really big thing. Like Caldecott Awards. I don’t like this — seems very Safe Consensus Choice.

    11. No one is getting rid of the books. They aren’t being edited, or changed, or taken out of libraries. The name of the award is being changed, because Laura Ingalls Wilder is racist AF and her books reflect that. It’s not whitewashing history: her actual books did that. Also, let’s just face facts: the Little House books are freaking terrible.

      2. She isn’t “Racist AF.” She held views that were extremely common at the time that we now consider racist. You can’t judge 1930s writers by 2018 standards. You just can’t. And I’m a professional writer and think the books are wonderful from a literary/storytelling perspective. I realize that changing the name of the award is a far cry from banning the books, but it’s still sad to me. She had a really interesting life and contributed so much to children’s literature. And, as noted above, white men aren’t held to the same standards.

        1. Beliefs that one race is superior to another, whether widely held or not, are racist. That is the definition of racism. While the level to which racism is considered socially acceptable has changed, the definition has not. She, and many other people of her time, were definitely racist AF. It’s okay to call it what it us. It’s okay to do better when we know better.

  7. I’ll be heading to Tampa for a conference in a few weeks and will have one afternoon/evening free on my own. Any recommendations for places to eat or things to do? I saw there is a Korean spa there and thought that might be interesting to check out as there isn’t one in my home city. Any thoughts on that option or others would be appreciated!

    1. If the weather is nice (i.e. not storming, not 100 degrees), the Tampa Riverwalk is beautiful.

      1. Another vote for the Riverwalk. You can eat at Armature Works (a cool food hall in a former trolley building) or Ulele (a great restaurant with native Floridian inspired food), both of which are along the Riverwalk.

    2. Edison: food + drink lab or Ulele are fantastic for dinner. For things to do- you could check out the aquarium or there are water bikes you can ride around the bay which is kind of unique and fun

    3. Check out the Salvador Dali museum!! It’s a beautiful space and the largest collection of his work outside of Spain.

      1. Edit: Dali Museum is technically in St. Petersburg… not sure how long of a drive it would be or if you just plan to stay in Tampa.

  8. This reminds me of the Delia’s catalog circa 1996 in the best possible way.

    1. I scrolled down to say this exactly. Delia’s and I love it. Keep your tshirts-under-spaghetti-straps and your doc martens, I can do THIS kind of 90s throwback all day.

  9. Any suggestions for day trips or overnights from the NYC suburbs? I’m on vacation next week, but didn’t plan anything and am suddenly regretting it. I’ll be solo and would like to do something fun, but I keep coming up with the same old ideas (I grew up around here and I feel like I’ve “done” most of the local outings accessible from I-95. Less familiar with upstate NY and Pennsylvania.). I’d like to avoid the I-95 corridor and beaches, but open to anything else.

    1. Sorry I sound like a broken record since I just said this the other day, but Lancaster PA is really fun. This list of things to do in Princeton may be of interest (and is not hideously out of date):
      https://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/08/travel/escapes/princeton-nj.html
      When I was looking for it I found an interesting-looking Latino NYC one:
      https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/11/02/travel/what-to-do-36-hours-in-latino-new-york-city.html

      For what it is worth my day trip on Friday involves a long walk along the Greenway to the Cloisters.

      If you like outdoor sculpture gardens, Storm King is lovely:
      http://stormking.org/visit/

    2. Walking the Old Croton Aqueduct is fun, and you can stop at at least one of the many Hudson Valley mansions – Boscobel I think? Also, Dia Beacon. Further afield, how about Saratoga Springs? Or go tubing in the Delaware Water Gap. New Hope, PA has antiquing, etc.

    3. Hudson Valley (Harriman State Park, Old Croton Aqueduct, Storm King, mansion tours, etc.).

      Poconos for lake time.

      Take the train/jitney to a NY beach – Long Beach, Jones Beach, or possibly the Hamptons if you are feeling like going farther. You can also take the train + ferry out to Fire Island.

      NJ beach for a day/weekend (possibly Cape May? It’s farther but it has nice beaches, cute down, close to Atlantic city).

      Ferry to Governor’s Island & rent/bring bikes.

    4. If you like theater, I recommend the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival (though I don’t know if tickets will still be available). It’s an outdoor performance on beautiful grounds, and you can explore the cute Hudson Valley towns before hand.

    5. A few ideas:

      Dia Beacon
      Storm King
      Newport or Watch Hill, RI
      Northfork
      Litchfield, CT (overnight at the Grace Mayflower)
      Berkshires (overnight at Old Inn on the Green)

  10. Does anyone have any experience with Latisse? I’ve always had stubby eyelashes and am curious.

    1. Can I piggy-back with a related question? I’ve also been curious about Latisse but I have light-colored eyes and have always been nervous about the possible darkening they say can occur. Can anyone with light eyes report on their experience?

      1. If you google, you’ll find varying reports summarizing the results of the trials, and the general consensus is that there is possible darkening of the eye, but it is very rare (1% or less of the trial). Honestly the other potential side effects are much more to consider considering that one is just superficial (no lasting health effects from changed eye color).

        1. I’ve used it (and the generic equivilent) and love it. I have fairly light green eyes and haven’t noticed any change in eye color whatsoever. There might be a very slight darkening of the skin where I have applied it, but I wear eyeliner every day anyway, so it doesn’t make a difference to me. It’s pricey, but worth it for me, as my lashes are sparse otherwise. I do recommend using an eyeliner brush rather than the brushes that sometimes come with it – the product goes much farther with less waste if I’m using a liner brush.

    3. L’Oreal offers a lash serum in a blue tube that has worked well for me in the past…without any scary side effects.

    4. I’ll be honest, I’m definitely more partial towards a prescription product rather than a cosmetic. So I’m specifically looking at Latisse (the brand or the generic).

    5. So I have not used Latisse, but someone gifted me Rodan & Fields Lash Boost, which is basically the MLM version of Latisse. I loved it – at first. My lashes got really long and thick, which was awesome!

      But then I started growing small dark hairs on top of my cheekbones near the corner of my eye, then lashes in the corner of my eye, then… extra eyebrows, I guess? They came in below my regular eyebrows. I stopped using it months ago because of the additional hair growth.

    6. I’m a long term Latisse user and i love it. I have very light colored eyes, regularly get the drops right in my eye, and have had no iris darkening. My lashes are longer but not thicker. That’s what it does. You don’t necessarily grow new lashes, but it keeps the lashes you do have from falling out earlier, so they grow longer before falling out.

      The Latisse comes with a very wasteful, imo, pack of brushes and instructs you to place a full drop on one brush, use it on one eye, and then discard it. You’re supposed to do the same on the other eye. This wastes a lot of product and brushes. I also find the brushes that it comes with too thick. So I buy thin disposable eyeliner brushes like you find at a MAC counter, put one drop of Latisse in the lid of the bottle, and dip the brush in. One drop can do both of my eyes easily, with a decent amount left for me to run across my eyebrows, which are naturally sparse. I do use these brushes more than once (honestly, I use them for more than a week) but that’s me. We repurpose the brushes that came with the Latisse as small paint brushes and glue applicators for my kids.

      Once my eyelashes were long, I reduced my use to every other day and this seems to be enough to maintain my lashes.

      My only side effect has been a slight redness on my eyelid skin near my lash line. I think only I would notice this, but I cover it up with an eye shadow base anyway.

  11. Guys– I just found out I’m pregnant! Holy #@&!!!!! We’d been trying for only a few months, but I just overcame a serious health setback so I was not expecting results so soon. I’m flabbergasted.

    Now I have to get through my whole day at work while all I can think about is telling DH tonight…

  12. My SO tends to be negative a lot, starting first thing in the morning. I take the approach that you choose whether or not to be happy. The negativity is really starting to wear on me, and when I try and say something about it, I’m told I’m not being supportive. How do you support your SO who has a negative outlook on things without letting it drag you down?

    1. I don’t. I don’t have any interest in being with someone negative. I don’t think you fix this.

      1. +1

        For a lot of people, this is their fundamental personality that will never change. So I actually disagree with you that people simply “choose” to be happy. I think you are wrong, and to simplistically think this way will set you up for really offending your partner and as appearing unsupportive.

        The only other thing I would consider is whether he is depressed. Then you encourage him to exercise, sleep, see his doctor, happy light in winter etc…

        But sometimes personalities don’t mesh well. Yes, it is very very exhausting to support someone who is negative all of the time. This person may not be the right match for you.

      2. I think sometimes it’s personality, but it can also be culture and upbringing. Many Americans are all about staying positive. Negativity genuinely upsets them and drags them down. I think they see themselves as having a lot of agency in their lives, and they believe in making the best of things.

        My family has a working-class immigrant culture where a certain kind of griping or complaining is a form of solidarity and support. A lot of life is seen as outside of your control, and complaining about health, politics, prices of things going up, or whatever, is taken as sign that we’re all in this together, and it makes me feel more relaxed. (Think perhaps of the way that many multi-generational New Yorkers talk about NYC, even though they clearly love NYC.) I experience this as different from the kind of toxic negativity that happens when people complain and complain about things they can totally change. I personally paid attention in college and learned to project a positive attitude. But I still experience other people’s “chosen” happiness as a form of pressure.

    2. I see two problems based on your short description: 1) Your SO is excessively negative and 2) You’re being dismissive as to why. If he’s dealing with depression or some other mental health problem, “you choose to be happy!” is offensive and unhelpful. If he’s not, then it’s still tone-deaf. The only thing you can do is set boundaries so you are not exposed to the negativity enough to bring you down. He’s negative first thing in the morning? Go for a run. He’s negative after work? Set a 5 or 10 minute limit to discuss it.

    3. I don’t know – I ended up breaking up with the guy who thought complaining was a valid form of conversation, so…This may just be who the guy is. Can you live with that? Only you can decide if its a dealbreaker.

      What does he mean by “be supportive”? Just listening? Perfect the absent-minded nod and find something else to do with your hands. Offering ideas? Give 2 or 3 if you have them, or go with “what you do think you should do”. Doing the thing for him so he stops complaining? Hell no.

      “You know, you’ve got a really negative outlook on life and it’s hard to listen to all the him. What are you going to do to be supportive of ME and my need to have some positivity in my life?”

    4. Is he negative specifically in the morning? I have low blood pressure, and I realized long ago that I would always wake up “on the wrong side of the bed.” I need to take it easy for a while, and I perk up a bit after breakfast and coffee.

      1. Relatedly, if it’s specifically in the morning then sleep in separate bedrooms so you don’t have to hear it.

      2. My SO and I both realize we are terrible morning people. Neither of us discussed it – we just somehow evolved into silence before we finished our first cup of coffee. It gives us both a few minutes to collect our thoughts, read the paper and perk up before we speak. It has rubbed off on our kids as well. They drink their “coffee” (lukewarm milk with a tsp of coffee) and then begin their endless string of questions.

          1. It’s so cute! I do something similar with my nephews, who are English and always want their “cup of tea” in the mornings when the grown ups have their breakfast. I make one cup of tea, split it between the two of them, and add a lot of warm milk. It works pretty well.

          2. My dad did not get the memo on the kids coffee over Christmas and served my 4 and 8 year old straight up coffee regular. My kids drank it but told me later that Grandpa’s coffee was too hot and taste “funny.” They were nonstop that morning – as always that time of year – but they crashed hard after lunch.

      3. It sounds like it’s just first thing in the morning, so I think you need to accept that your SO is not a morning person and move on. You can’t change it and it is not going to improve your relationship to lecture a non morning person on your theory that choosing a positive outlook is the better way to be.

        I’m not a morning person and I hate absolutely everything (except my dog) for the first hour of every day. I’m fine the rest of the time, but I’m better off not talking to anyone while I get up and get ready. Trying to convince me not to hate everything when I get up is a recipe for disaster.

        You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or if you can compromise. I can be polite in the morning, but it takes effort and if you try to engage me in a long conversation, I’m going to be negative. Your SO may be the same.

    5. You’ll both need to compromise. He has to respect your need to have a complaint-free environment sometimes and you have to be his shoulder to cry on sometimes. Enlist his help in setting boundaries – like, no verbalized complaining for 30 minutes after you wake up or come home, or how long do you need to complain about work every day? 20 mins? ok I’m going to set a timer and when you’re time’s up you have to stop. But of course you need his buy-in, and to get that, he needs to understand that his negativity is poisoning your life together.

      Fwiw I’m a complainer and I’m really trying not to be. I know you took some heat about about the “choose to be happy” comment – but I agree to an extent (barring mental health issues of course). You can choose to focus on the negative and let it eat at you, or you can choose, sometimes with great effort, to let it go. Part of that for me has been to limit my contact with other complainers because we just feed off each other.

      1. I’m also a complainer and I personally feel like it is a healthy coping mechanism. I don’t dwell for hours on end but I like to come home and complain with my husband who then complains with me about the annoying things that happened that day. We talk about the good things too but I don’t see anything wrong with complaining when there are things to complain about. I can be a bit like Aubrey Plaza in Parks and Rec. We aren’t all Leslie Knopes.

        1. Exactly. It’s not that there is anything wrong that needs fixing. It’s whether who this person is works for you.

        2. There’s nothing wrong with complaining in limited quantities- the problem is when that is your only form of conversation (which it doesn’t sound like it is for you). You need to be able to express frustrations, but focusing on them and framing all of your conversation in a negativie way is not useful. I don’t think the OP is talking about requiring positivity 24/7.

        3. We don’t all have to be Leslie Knopes but “I don’t see anything wrong with complaining” can be a very selfish attitude because presumably you’re not just complaining to yourself. Most chronic complainers demand a sympathetic audience at all times, and that can be so, so draining for everyone around them.

          So I do see something wrong with it. I think it behooves us all to be more self-aware. If you know you are a constant complainer, and you catch yourself doing it, you should be trying to redirect yourself at least some of the time.

        4. I find that once I complain once and get it out to family members I no longer worry about it. So its much better to just get it out and it makes me a less negative person overall.

    6. We don’t have enough information. To me it would make a big difference if there was some very real stress in his life that he was dealing with (crisis at work, health issues, depression) versus if he just saw the world through a sour or negative lens: everything is wrong, nothing goes right, people are idiots, etc.

      If it’s the latter, and his normal response to normal life is to complain or disagree or vent…I just couldn’t deal with that. I’m not cheerful and perky by nature, and I’ve had to learn that how I choose to think about things colors my perceptions of them. (Again, this is about normal stuff, not crises and genuine suffering.)

    7. I’m mixed on this. I do think he can change, but he has to want to. I used to be a pretty negative/complaining person. My husband put up with it by basically ignoring me when I was like this. I then saw how it was impacting other relationships (I had a hard time making and keeping friends, for example). This was the wake up call I needed to change my attitude.

      But also… my life did get better. I got a more career based job, I did start making more friends, I had time and money to do fun things, etc. So that helped too because I was happier in life.

    8. Is he potentially depressed? I have a family member that gets incredibly negative when she is dealing with depression. Would be worth looking into counseling etc. if that is the case.

      On the other hand, my FIL is the most negative person I have ever met and he is not depressed, that’s just who he is.

      1. Not picking on you specifically but the “is he depressed” comments show how divisive this issue is — some people are so happy go lucky they truly cannot understand having a complainy morning. Look, some people are just grumpy in the morning. They’re going to grouse about random stuff. OP can ask him to stop but maybe that’s just how he is and OP needs to learn to tune it out or just avoid him until he’s more awake.

    9. I am 20 years into a relationship with a chronically negative person. He obviously has his good points because I’m still here, but his basic nature hasn’t changed, and no he isn’t clinically depressed. He just tends to greet every situation with a glass half empty viewpoint.

      We have strategies for it. I will actually not engage when he is complaining about the same f$&%ing thing for the umpteenth time. And when he sees me not engaging, he usually has a moment of self recognition, like, oh I’m going on and on about that again. It doesn’t mean he’s suddenly cheerful about it. It’s just that he knows to stop expecting me to listen, sympathize, and fix it for him.

      But fundamentally, he is who he is. We have coping mechanisms, but they don’t change his underlying nature. Going on a vacation with this man is very difficult for me because I want to share joy about everything new and different, but new and different are opportunities for him to complain about how difficult new and different things are. But then when we get home, those are suddenly fond memories for him! It can be extremely frustrating.

      To the OP, don’t expect to change him. Figure out whether you can cope. Figure out whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. It clearly hasn’t been for me, but at times I’ve felt close.

      1. Thank you for this. I’m in a long term relationship with a chronically negative person too. It’s part of why I love him, and it hasn’t been a deal breaker for me, but it is sometimes hard as a chronically upbeat/optimistic person.

        But what you said about vacation is SO. FREAKING TRUE. I think maybe recognizing it for what it is will help me (and maybe him!) to put limits on his negativity.

    10. “Some people bring joy wherever they go; others bring joy whenever they go.” Obviously people can be grouchy situationally but I honestly believe that some have a sunny default disposition and some people have a cloudy default disposition and there is little that can be done to change that.

  13. Question re HIIT intervals on the treadmill – how fast do you go? I tried today but I read in the New Rules of Lifting for Women that the guy basically needs 2-3 minutes (maybe more, I can’t remember) to recover from his 30 second sprint. I did not so I suspect I was not going fast/hard enough

    1. Speed is relative and depends on your conditioning level. I’m a distance runner and a 7.5 minute mile (8mph) is my pace for any distance over 10 miles. When I run intervals on the treadmill, my all out speed is typically 10-10.5 mph. However, I wear a heart rate monitor and if I’m not reaching my targets, I will increase speed/incline to ensure I reach 90%.

    2. While I’m not by any means a distance runner like PP, I have been running for (wow…) 20 years now. Everyone has their “I can hang out here, this is doable” pace, their “whew, wow, this is – whew – really a good workout” pace, and their “oh my gosh, I’m DYING” pace. Personally, when I do intervals, I’m at my “I’m DYING” pace and drop down to below my “doable” pace in the recovery.

  14. I think I posted earlier but it seemed to have disappeared – how fast do you go during HIIT intervals on the treadmill? Given everything I’ve read, I suspect maybe I wasn’t going fast/hard enough.

    Thanks!

    1. okay day: base pace is 6, push pace is 7.5, all out is 8-9
      good day: base pace is 6.5 or 7, push pace is 8.5, all out is 9-10

  15. We are looking into a new bed (headboard and frame) for our master bedroom and like the look of upholstered beds (we’re specifically looking at the Colette bed from Crate & Barrel). However, I’m unsure how an upholstered bed would hold up to wear and tear in the long run as compared to a wood bed.

    For those of you who have an upholstered bed/headboard (and, even better, one from C&B in specific), any problems long term? Do oils from your hair stain the fabric on the headboard (we’re looking at a light beige linen/cotton blend fabric)? How has the fabric stood up to occasional cat scratches? Any other things to think about before purchasing a upholstered bed? Thanks for any insights.

    1. This was just discussed on this site like two days ago. Try a search? I know someone mentioned cat scratching being a problem.

      1. Ah, thanks. I didn’t see the earlier discussion because it in the weekend open thread (which I don’t usually get around to reading). There were some helpful comments there, but if others (who also didn’t see the weekend thread) want to add anything, I’d be grateful (thanks already to CHS below).

    2. Not quite the same, but we have the Drommen bed from CB2, and have had no issues with it in the three years we’ve had. Have a dog that sheds, and it doesn’t show up on the fabric, and no other issues have arisen. It still looks as good as new. Granted, the only thing with fabric is the headboard, so YMMV.

    3. I have one (Ella bed from Room & Board) – the cat hasn’t scratched it so I can’t speak to that, but it looks new after 3 and change years and a move. At once point after we did some renovating I had it steam cleaned along with my couch, but otherwise I’ve done nothing to it.

    4. I bought a used upholstered bed (I know, risky!) with dark beige, very nubby fabric, and I’ve had it for years and years now with no issue at all. But I think a big part of that is the quality and type of fabric. Brand is Ligne Roset.

    5. I’ve had a light grey one for years now (maybe 10?) & it’s held up just fine. I got it at Macys. I rarely just plop up right against it – I usually use pillows for that so there’s not a ton of direct contact. I love it – it’s a lot more comfortable than the wood sleigh-bed frame I replaced it with. I’ve also seen people do creative things with draping blankets over them to preserve the headboard, but I’ve not found that necessary, it just looks cool.

    6. I’ve had a beige upholstered headboard from West Elm for 7 years. There are no scratches, stains or marks of any kind on it. I’ve been very pleasantly surprised considering SO can somehow take of a pillowcase, only using his head, in the middle of the night.

    7. We’ve had an upholstered headboard for 15 years and it looks like new. Partly it’s the fabric color (dark) and texture (has quilted topstitching) and we have a dog (no cats) who doesn’t sleep on the bed. But no issues with hair oils, spills, etc.

      1. Thank all! I’m really glad to hear that everyone’s upholstered beds have held up well and haven’t been stained by body oils (pillow behind your back when sitting up is a good tip). This makes me more confident that we should go for it.

  16. What would you wear to an afternoon summer party held in a partner’s home? I will bring my husband and my baby so want something that I can easily move around and chase the baby. Also there is possibility of a tennis match (guess flowy dress is out…) Are denim shorts okay?

    TIA!

    2. No denim shorts. Ankle pants in a light color and a cute top, or a maxi dress (but not if you want to play tennis, as you’ve pointed out).

    3. Our firm did this last year and I wore a sundress. The female partners wore Talbots-type casual clothes. Men wore khakis with polos.

      Are you just dying to play tennis? I have no problem at these types of events saying, “Oh, sorry, I’m not dressed for it!”

      1. Yeah, I was thinking the same. I’d probably be in a summery dress and I would use that as an excuse not to play tennis.

      2. Ugh, this irks me so much. The men get to play because they are dressed appropriately in shorts and a polo, but women can’t play because they feel like they have to wear a dress to these events.

        OP – What about some chino shorts and a nicer looking t-shirt?

        1. She doesn’t need to wear a dress and loads of people suggested outfits that work for tennis.

        2. The women were suggesting dresses for her if she DIDN’T want to play, not to keep her from “getting” to play.

          FWIW, I’d be in the “don’t want to play tennis, so I’m not dressing for it” category.

        3. I’m anon at 10:58, and it’s not that I felt I “should” wear a dress. While I’m outdoorsy and active on my own time, I’m never athletic, and playing sports in public is like a horrific junior high flashback. “Oh, sorry, I’m not dressed for it” is a tidy way to get out of haranguing from persistent but well-meaning folks who insist that “it’ll be fun/aw, you can’t be that bad!”. That’s why I asked her level of interest in tennis – she should dress for it if she wants to play, but feel free to use impractical clothing as an excuse if she wants.

    4. Wow — I want to grow up to be the sort of partner who has a tennis court at home. Instead, I am the sort of juniorish partner who has mice :( The senior partners here have beach houses and mountain houses but I don’t know of anyone with a tennis court. A girl can dream . . .

      1. I’m not a partner, but this morning I went into the laundry room, SCREAMED, and ran out — it was a lizard, not a mouse (or the truly enormous bug my mind went to right away), thank goodness. But it was a BIG lizard.

          1. Well we live in the desert so I see them outside all the time. How do they get in, though??? IDK. Did he sneak in while my husband was taking out the trash? Can lizards get really flat and squish through small spaces? Did he come in as a baby lizard and then grow up in my house???????????

          5. I regret to inform you that, yes, lizards can fit through smaller spaces than you would think. But better a lizard than a cockroach in my opinion.

    5. I mean, if you want to play tennis, maybe a tennis dress that doesn’t read too “sportswear” with a cardigan that can be ditched if you want to play? I mean, I love tennis (though I just started playing, so I suck pretty hard), so if you want to play, wearing an appropriate outfit for the party doesn’t have to stop you.

    6. I would definitely wear a summer dress and sandals! I also would not wear denim shorts to a work event, and I tend to be way less conservative clothing wise than many of the ladies on this board.

      If you want to play tennis, I would bring tennis clothes and tennis shoes to change into. I cannot imagine that anyone, male or female, will be playing tennis in denim shorts or even the clothes that they are otherwise wearing to the party. I don’t know where you are located, but outdoor tennis in the summer in my neck of the woods is sweaty!

  17. I’m trying to find inexpensive wraps to provide for wedding guests, in case they get cold at a late September outdoor wedding. I’m not looking to spend a lot of money per wrap, since I will need a lot of them. Any suggestions on where to look online? Thanks!

      1. I bought some wraps for under $10 each for my bridesmaids off of Amazon. Look for pashmina style scarves.

      1. That was my first thought too. Growing up in California, even I got caught unawares sometimes with the “hot during the day, cold at night” shift that happens in the desert. (Not that this wedding is/isn’t in the desert). I can remember many, many times attending some sportball event / party / wedding / other and it was blazing hot during the day, so hot I wouldn’t have even *considered* bringing a light jacket, sweater, or wrap…only to be reminded that yes, it can be 95 degrees during the day and plunge to 65 at night.

        Living in the DC area? Not so much of a problem. 95 in the day? Probably going to be close to 85-90 at night, too. :P

  18. Not dying to play tennis. More just want to preserve the possibility. A couple of associates I work closely with are excited to play so I don’t want to end up being the only person sitting on the side. Ankle pants and a cute top sound perfect! Thanks guys!!

    1. Another option would be to pack a bag with a change of clothes and keep it in the car. I presume everyone would at least need shoes and a racquet so tossing in clothes shouldn’t be a big deal.

  19. So I am recently getting into making my own vinaigrette instead of buying bottled salad dressing. One problem is when I add a pinch of dried herbs (eg herbes de provenece) it seems the herbs stay hard/dried even after sitting in the dressing for 30 minutes or so…is there a trick to this? EG, should I soak them separately in the vinegar before adding to the dressing? Or some other trick? TIA for any tips! I didn’t have any luck searching this issue on the net.

    1. Herbs are just dried out leaves and stems of plants. It can take a lot to rehydrate a dried out plant. It needs to be soaked in something that it can absorb, and it will absorb water (vinegar) better than oil. Some dried leaves might need heat/moisture to soften up. Others, like rosemary — aren’t going to soften.

      The better plan is just to use fresh herbs, not dried ones.

    2. If you have seasonings that you frequently use, what about steeping them in warmed oil to make a flavored oil and use that instead?

    3. Put the herbs in lemon juice or vinegar along with a finely chopped shallot and some salt for 5 or so minutes while you do something else (this is called macerating), then add Dijon mustard, if you’re using it, then add oil.

  20. My state’s hands-free law goes into effect on the 1st. I need to buy an in-car bluetooth speaker for our trusty 2004 clunker that I commute in. Amazon has tons of options– can anyone steer me towards a favorite?

    1. Possibly in the same state, anyone have a suggestion for a phone mount at closer to eye level since I won’t be allowed to support the phone with any part of my body.

      1. I have a Popsocket on my phone and the Popsocket bracket that they sell mounted to my dashboard, in about the same area as the radio. Use for navigation, in addition to audio (because I find audio navigation to often be really unclear – e.g. “In 500 feet, turn right” when there are multiple roads coming up to the right)

      2. My mom bought me one from Lakeside Collection (it’s a home catalog she gets). It goes in the CD slot on your radio, if your radio has one. Works really well and is mostly out of the way. I can still flip it up to see my backup camera when I need to.

      1. If this is Georgia, I was shocked that hands-free wasn’t required. So, so glad it’s becoming the law.

        Also, no suggestions for a phone mount closer to eye level because the answer is that you shouldn’t be looking at your phone screen while driving. Seriously. Activate drive mode on your phone. Use audio mode for navigation. When you’re not using it to navigate or actively talking on it, keep your phone in a bag. If you need to dial or enter an address for directions, pull over.

        9 people a day are killed by distracted driving, and most of that is likely phone use.

        1. +1

          Yup

          It almost killed my parent when they were hit walking across the street by someone on their phone.

          1. Any time I’m driving ANYWHERE, I can spot the folks on their phones. They’re either the ones with a giant five car gap in front of them (in stop-and-go traffic) who are constantly holding up other people, or the ones behind me that stop at the very last second and sometimes swerve because they can’t put their phones down for five seconds.

            See also: people who are unable to remain in their lanes, and will casually drift back and forth 10-30% into other lanes because texting and driving at 40mph is hard, yo.

          2. Hit post too soon before adding that I am glad your parent wasn’t killed, and furious they were seriously injured in an accident that was utterly, completely, and 100% preventable.

        2. Eye level-ish is important for GPS navigation. Many cars come with GPS maps already on a dash screen. It’s a lot easier to figure out which street to turn on in a busy intersection when you can glance and see the line saying straight when your phone is saying slight right. That kind of use is even allowed under the law in my state. My state is hands free but allows “one touch” style operation. So you can hit a button to activate the phone and then speak to it.

      2. Up until now I’ve been using my phone on speaker, because I am broke. But thanks for the judgment!

        cbackson, I’m thrilled by the law. I definitely support everything you described above, I’ve just been strapping my phone to my chest with my seatbelt on speaker, and yes, pulling over to dial, etc.

        2. I’m not judging you at all, FWIW. Before I got my new car, my primary vehicle was a 2003 Dodge Ram truck that has seen…some things, man. It still has a CD player AND a tape player.

          I’m seconding BeenThatGuy’s suggestion of a BT FM transmitter. Read the reviews and pick the one that you like. I’ve used a couple of different vent/dash mounts and they’re pretty much all the same functionality, usefulness. My favorite was the kind with a strong clip that clips onto your vent and there’s a small flat magnet that either glues to your phone itself, or goes between the phone and the case. Had to slam on the brakes HARD more than once and my phone never budged.

      3. Hands-free doesn’t work for me, especially with BT connect through my car. I have a weird vocal disorder that makes my vocal cords jump around and slam together (elegant, I know) and it gets worse if I have to raise my voice, like you do in moving vehicle.

        If I get a phone call I *cannot* miss while driving, I have to pull over to take it. It’s not illegal to talk on the phone in Virginia – yet – while driving, but I have a sports car that all but demands both hands on the wheel, so I wouldn’t use the phone while driving because it’s downright dangerous to drive with one hand in my beastymobile.

    4. I have one of the ones that you stick in an air vent with a strong magnet you place on the back of the phone underneath the case. I am not sure of the exact brand, but this kind in general is pretty strong. My iPhone 7 has never fallen off of it while driving. I use it in combination with the bluetooth in my car, but you could use it stand alone.

  21. Is there a name for this trait – the ability to anticipate how you’ll feel about a future event and plan accordingly today. It’s more than just being a good planner, it’s like empathizing with your future self.

    After planning several trips with friends, I’ve realized this is a thing that people struggle with and I have trouble articulating what exactly it is. I understand that anticipating future issues can be hard if you’re not a planner, but I do the anticipating part. I’ll point out the issue and ask them to think about how they will feel and they still dismiss it. And then on the trip the issue turns out exactly like I said, everyone has feelings, and everyone’s upset that “we” didn’t plan better. Ok well I told you if we did this plan you’d be tired and cranky and you were all no I won’t and now here we are with you being snippy at me.

    1. This makes me chuckle. It’s really hard to get people who live in the moment, or who lack self-awareness, or who don’t want to deal with future reality, or who want to think they can handle or do everything …to adjust to normal human limits. I, too, can see the speedbumps on the path ahead, help people see them, and help them come up with plans to avert them or move around them. Friends do get snippy when faced with the person who knew it all along.

      So I became a life coach. So I can do what I’d just do anyway, with people who want to hear it.

      : )

    2. I think this is just being a good planner – as evidenced by the fact that people who don’t do this subsequently think that the planning could have been better.

      You didn’t elaborate on the feelings but it sounds like a situation of planning too much to do and not enough time to do it/do it well/enjoy it. Sure you can make the logistics work to visit 3 museums in one day on vacation but in practice that means you’re rushing and not enjoying plus you’re exhausted at the end from all the rushing.

      Stop asking people to discuss their feelings about plans – if you phrase it how you did in your description it sounds awkward. Just own your opinion and say “hey this is too much. Let’s do 2 museums so we’re not so rushed.” If you subsequently agree to 3 anyway then yeah that was your plan so you don’t get to say “I told you so”.

      1. To add – if your friends are being snippy that’s a separate issue regardless the reason. They are friends and they should be nice and if you’re close enough to travel together you’re close enough to ask them to stop. (But still no “I told you so”)

        1. I read it as people being snappy because they are tired/hungry/overwhelmed or weren’t able to do a Super Important Thing that was a focal point of the trip.

          1. Yeah I carry protein bars “in case I get hungry” but really for one girl who notoriously gets hangry. It’s like living in a snickers commercial. You know you get hangry! Bring a snack!

      2. I’ll go with the museum example – we’ll all get together and people will want to do 3 museums in one day. I’ll say, that’s a lot we’re all going to be tired let’s do 2 at most. The group will say no we won’t be tired and they’ll insist on 3. We’ll do 3 and then everyone will complain to/at me that it was too much. Like ok well that’s what I said and you insisted otherwise. I don’t gt the mental disconnect there.

        Fwiw I don’t complain about our plans I just sort of go with it. I’m fairly high energy so long days don’t bother me at all. But I know certain people well enough to know that they can’t tolerate long days and I try to plan for them… but they’re like in denial. This happens every time! Please stop insisting we do so much!

        1. I am like your friends. I over-plan in my excitement, and I get hangry.

          My husband can usually slow me down by getting me to make “flexible” plans. It goes a little like this. DH: “Don’t you think 3 museums is a little too much?” Me: “But there’s no other time to see Museum 3, and we’ll be right there!” DH: “Ok, but let’s hold off on buying tickets to Museum 3, and when we’re done with Museum 2, we’ll see how we feel. If you really want to go to Museum 3, we’ll go.” After Museum 2, I almost always want to go to a cafe or go back to the hotel to “get ready for dinner” (nap).

          I honestly don’t know if this will work with your friends. I don’t know if just anyone could talk me down the way he does. Not everyone travels well together.

    4. Self awareness. People should be aware of how situations will make them feel without first going through them.

    5. There’s a line between thinking ahead and being a good planner and anxiety and trying to control every situation. It requires a balancing act. My level of planning sometimes is to extreme and trying to think ahead to control each outcome is actually my anxiety speaking, not my maturity.

    6. I read your museum example and wonder why everyone turns to you as if it’s your fault you went to three museums. Are you planning all the activities? Are you buying the tickets? If so, you need to stop being that person for this group. If you can’t travel without being the person in charge of this stuff, then you should probably try solo travel.

      I’m not trying to be harsh, just realistic. I did a solo trip to Paris and it was one of the best trips of my life. (And when I came home everyone wanted to chastise me for not doing that thing that they DEFINITELY would have done, so I’ve just taken to saying, then you should DEFINITELY go there yourself and do that!)

      1. It also may be that not everyone likes having things planned day to day. Maybe you decide the day of what you feel like doing, if you want to do A, B, and C or only A.

      2. It’s mostly b-parties (where I’m MOH/the person tasked by the bride with planning) or birthday parties (that the birthday girl asks me to organize). I don’t mind coordinating with everyone and I’m happy to do as much or as little as the group wants but it gets frustrating when I suggest doing A, the group votes for B, then the same people who voted for B get mad that we did B and not A. I might have to decline being the planner the next time I’m asked.

        I love solo trips. Trips like these make me appreciate them even more! I’m going to use your script for comments about what I didn’t get to.

        1. This is so late but on the chance you check back: I’m the original “museum” poster but if it’s stuff like group party trips I’ve learned either (a) don’t be in charge or (b) do what you think is right and limit input/group consensus taking. Honestly, I mostly do (a) and I feel bad not helping more but not as bad as I feel when people are all annoyed about how things were planned and want to imply the responsibility for their feelings belongs to anyone but themselves. I sound like a jerk but the alternative is being frustrated and/or people thinking I’m a jerk for making a bad plan anyway.

  22. Going to Kauai in January with husband, toddler, and two other couples (one other toddler). We are staying in a condo in Princeville. I’d love any recommendations of restaurants, activities for with toddlers, and activities for adults who leave toddlers at home with other adults. Thanks in advance!

    (I know it’s early, but half the fun of vacations is daydreaming ahead of time…)

  23. Eye makeup removal — what am I doing wrong? I can’t ever seem to get it all off. I use a cotton round and Neutrogena remover to take off shadow/eyeliner/mascara (waterproof). Then I wash my face, including a swipe over eyelids, with ponds cold cream cleanser. My eyes look clean when I go to bed, yet every morning I wake up with raccoon eyes. Should I change products, techniques…?

    1. I’d use some micellar water on a cotton round after you remove the makeup and before washing your face.

    2. Is using waterproof mascara every day a must? I use regular every day and save waterproof for events and whatnot when I might get teary. Would make removal easier and less tugging on your lashes.

      1. Hmm, I guess I could try non-waterproof and see what happens. I have pretty bad allergies and my eyes tend to water a lot, so I’ve always just used waterproof.

        1. My eyes water a lot too (sinus issues as well as allergies!) and many non-waterproof mascaras will stay put. L’Oreal Lash Paradise is my drugstore favourite and Lancome Hypnose is my high-end favourite. Miceller water is sufficient to take off both of those.

          If you do want to keep using waterproof, I recommend using a cleansing oil or oil-based cleansing balm as your first cleansing step. Clinique Take Off The Day balm is good and so is Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Cleansing Oil. If you prefer the convenience of using a cotton round, I find the Lancome Bi-Facil eye makeup remover more effective than the Neutrogenia eye makeup remover.

        2. My eyes water with a lot of mascaras, as well. I’ve had pretty good luck with tubing mascaras (Blinc, Clinique Lash Power, and L’Oreal Double Extend). Word of warning though – they don’t remove well AT ALL with makeup remover. You have to get them fairly wet with warm water, and the little tubed pieces slide off in bits and shreds. But I’ve used all three and they don’t raccoon out when my eyes get watery (alternately, if I’m crying like a waterfall). The L’Oreal one is a decent one to try out if you don’t want to drop a lot of cash on the experiment. And bonus, no raccoon eyes you have to hit with the Q-tip and makeup remover AGAIN in the morning. Hope this helps.

    3. To really get off eye makeup, especially waterproof, you need to really soak your cotton in the remover and hold it to your eye for a while. Lisa Eldridge has a great video of her taking off full makeup.

      1. Try a gauze pad instead of a cotton pad. The cotton absorbs too much of the remover.

    4. Try a tube style mascara. Waterproof mascaras are way too hard to remove and you end up tugging at your eye skin and pulling out lashes. Tube mascaras form little tubes arojnd your lashes that stay put all day but slip off pretty easily with an emmolient cleanser.

      1. +1 to tube style mascara. I found blinc as a result of recommendations here, and it is so much better for me. It lasts ALL DAY without smudging but is super easy to remove.

        1. Dangit – I made a rec for tubing mascaras higher up. Now I feel silly for not reading the whole thing.

    5. A swipe will not do it for waterproof mascara! I put, like, a big glob of cold cream on each eye and rub it all around, and then wipe it off with a wet/damp washcloth (eyes closed, downwards motion, so you don’t get it in your eyes).

    6. Clinique take the day off make up remover is the only one I have found that actually fully removes eye liner and waterproof mascara. I threw away my neutrogena remover bc it just wasn’t working.

  24. Ladies, I need something to get involved in. I’m in politics, and I find myself just overwhelmed with the state of things, and I need some down-to-earth activity that can occupy my mind and time so I can unplug. Any suggestions? I’m active at church, but it’s quiet during the summer. What community activities do you enjoy being involved with? I’m in the DC area if you have specific recs.

    1. Hi! Also in DC. I’d go for a volunteering activity (at my church–the UU place on Harvard and 16th–it’s ESL classes for immigrants and asylum seekers), something active (in my case, tennis) and something that you just find really freaking fun (for me, that’s looking for good cocktail spots). Best of luck!

    2. Sounds cheesy to say “volunteer,” but that’s really what you can do. There are so many opportunities depending on what you’re interested in. Some examples in my area, not sure about DC at this point (used to live there).

      In my area some of the youth residential homes have “dinner parents” where you cook for the house and have dinner with them. They get to see a functioning adult and you get to meet them and learn about what great kids they are. You also get to menu plan, etc. if the cooking aspect interests you.

      I know DC has Everybody Wins – not sure if they are active in the summer but worth looking at. I have lots of friends who were involved in that.

      DC Scores also has poetry jams and sports-related volunteer opportunities.

      Anyway these are all kid based but just some ideas.

      1. yes, social dancing is amazing! OP I’ve never danced in DC, but if you’re open to swing dancing, I hear the Jam Cellar is excellent!

      2. DC has a decent swing dance scene with both regular classes and drop-in beginner lessons followed by open dancing!

  25. I just changed gyms, in part to have access to better group fitness class options. Unfortunately their summer schedule is mostly daytime class-focused. Since I am not a SAHM, I am left with the choice of zumba and water aerobics. I am a laughable dancer and a very weak swimmer. Which would you recommend I try while waiting for the evening boot camp classes to resume? TIA!

        1. The class will be paced for the majority. If the class is majority 70+, the instructor will move slower, which won’t be much use to OP.

    2. I’ve taken a few water aerobics classes and I didn’t find that you need to be a strong swimmer for them. They mostly take place in the shallowish end (chest high water) and anytime you’re “swimming,” you’re either on the wall or using some type of flotation device. Also, I was the youngest in the classes I was attended by probably 25-30 years and the only issue I had was that most of them when you were supposed to be “running” weren’t running as fast as me and I’d get stuck behind a crowd. But otherwise, the age gap wasn’t an issue.

    3. Find a different gym at least temporarily. Maybe an orange theory or a kickboxing gym to get you through the summer. And don’t hesitate to call your gym to complain about the schedule and ask to suspend your membership fee during the summer.

      1. In _whole_ I changed gyms because of hours, price, proximity to my home and work, quality of service, etc. I’m probably not going to throw a snit fit because the class schedule isn’t to my exact tastes.

        1. You might consider at least letting them know you’d be interested in more classes in your timeframe during the summer. Let them know you are a customer with an unmet need – doesn’t have to be in the form of a complaint. They won’t address a need if they don’t know there is one.

    4. Zumba is so fun! I am sure it depends on the teacher/class, but when I took it I had so much fun! There were women of all ages (teens to 80s, seriously) and all skill levels (very out of shape; in great shape but uncoordinated; woah are you training to be a zumba instructor; etc.) and there was always someone I could make eye contact with and be like “woah, we’re doing what now?!” I always got sweatyAF and tired and felt happy after. Huh, I should go back to zumba.

    5. Zumba should be fine. It’s ok to be uncoordinated, and the choreography is not actually that complicated. It’s basically aerobics with Latin music.

  26. I am in my late 20s, single, and want to commit to getting out and dating more. I would like to buy some date night outfits. I am a relatively modest dresser (not looking for like body con, super low cut, etc). I’m 5’9”, a size 6, and chesty (DD bra). I have a vaguely defined waist but am not an hourglass shape. Fashionistas, what kind of date clothes would you get?

      1. Super cute blouse!!

        Yep, jeans plus cute top! I had a fall/winter first date uniform of a flowy white tunic top and black skinny jeans.

      2. Love that blouse.

        For dates, I am Team Skirt. Women get way more excited by jumpsuits, cute jeans, etc., than men do.

        You do you, and you are better off comfortable in jeans than uncomfortable in a dress, but consider a skirt.

    2. I am built a lot like you, just a bit older, and do modest but not frumpy.

      My date uniform back then was a flowy, knee-length skirt, fitted cardigan, sparkly tank top underneath the cardigan.

    3. I’m really into dresses right now because they can dress up or down according to the footwear choice! I like the fitted sheath style and also the halter type neck dresses with a straighter, less fitted bottom.

    4. Transitioning from casual/weekend close to dating close for me means peaking a bit of skin or feature to highlight, with the best being conservative. So maybe it’s a shorter skirt. Or my shoulders/arms. Or lower cut back. Or a bit more plunging. Depending upon your shape/skin/preferences you may pick a different future. It also means upping my shoe game a little.

      Otherwise a cute top and jeans sounds good.

  27. How do you handle when you actually know more than your boss? I’m an intern in the middl of a masters degree in a technical field, and in the role I have right now I know more about a certain program and have to teach my boss / tell her she’s doing something wrong. I know there are many times the boss doesn’t know the technical details, but in this case she is also involved with working with the technical details. Any tips for how to manage this dynamic positively?

    We also did a workplace chemistry type assessment recently and I got a very dominant personality type while she got the opposite. Which is very apparent in real life too. So I am trying to be mindful of that as well.

    1. I wouldn’t say that it’s a managing up situation since your boss’s job should be different from yours. Management’s job should not be to know more technical details than you, but to leverage you as a resource.

    2. 1) You’re an intern. Say little. Just smile and take notes. (And I went back to school in my 30s, so I know how hard it is to be an adult intern.)

      2) How much do these details matter? Is the company or your boss’ reputation on the line with customers? Say something. If not, don’t.

    3. Preface things with these phrases:
      “one thing I learned is ….”
      “One thing that may be helpful…”
      “It helps me to think of it this way…”
      “Another way to approach it is…”

      It sounds silly but these phrases really take the edge off of my own bossiness. :) It’s not what you say but how you say it, after all.

    4. Hahaha omg this coming from an intern is priceless.

      You may know more about a certain program or language, but I’m sure your boss has lots to teach you about everything else. The point of an internship is to learn. Try doing that.

      1. In this case, it is objectively true. I’ll ask for advice somewhere else. I’m not a know it all intern, but I don’t think there’s any point in trying to discuss anything here.

        1. Ask A Manager is a good source for work questions.

          Otherwise – you advise on what you are asked. Ultimately your boss is responsible for their work, so the most you can do sometimes is say “Hey, I think this might actually be what you want to include here. Based on my experience with XYZ, we should think about doing ABC here.”

          You offer advice as questions, you don’t condescend when answering (even if you’ve already explained it 20 times before), and you remember you are there to help your boss do their job well.

    5. Keep in mind that there are a lot of jobs where bosses know “less” of the technical details than their staff, but are good at managing people/strategy/long-term goal achievement. So look at this as good training for a potential future job.

      1. I think mouse said this just right. A thing that you have to re-learn in every field, and to an extent in every workplace, is who needs to know what to do their job.

        If you’ve done the legwork to tell her confidently, “We’ll need 50+ widgets, a gizmo, and three weeks to get the job done” (or whatever), then she takes that and works it into her scheme. Maybe she doesn’t know why it’s so many widgets and so few gizmos, maybe she doesn’t even understand the difference between a widget and a gizmo, but she’s using your knowledge and skills (and those of the other people she manages) to build the whole thing.

      2. This. As I’ve gotten more and more senior, I’ve had to grapple with the fact that I don’t have the time to know *all* the technical details about everything anymore. It’s my job to understand the big picture and get all the people with the different bits of technical knowledge to work together to construct that picture.

      3. Yep, this is exactly right. Your boss is the manager because she is great at managing her department and getting results from the team, not because she is the best at a technical area.

    6. You really need to not be a know it all intern. Your boss is in her position for a reason. If you don’t understand why she is doing something ask her. As an open ended question to learn the answer, not to teach or correct her. You may actually learn something from her answer.

      The older I get, the more I believe this statement: “The idiot thinks he knows everything. The wise man knows he knows nothing.” Stop assuming you know more than your boss and be open to learning.

    2. Great dress! What about a long, multi-strand of single color beads or pearls to break up all the fabric real estate?

  29. Has anyone paid to install a backup camera in a car that didn’t have one? Any advice on cost, whether it was worth it, etc.? I have a 2009 Toyota Camry that I love and plan to drive for another 10 years at least (it only has 60k miles on it and our family’s Toyotas normally go to 200k+). But it doesn’t have a back up camera and I would love to have one, especially because I have an elementary age daughter who may drive it after she turns 16.

    1. I have not done it yet but plan to install an “after market” backup camera in a 2007 model car for my 15 year old to drive. Several people I know have done this for similar reasons and say the cameras work amazingly well for an investment around $200. I believe the cost is $200-250 installed at Best Buy.

    2. Late to this, but I work in transportation safety and I would 100% recommend you do it. Every new car sold in the US has to come with a backup cam now for a reason. :-) that said I’ve never done it, but I’ve had friends who did and it never seemed that bad. Definitely a safety feature I’d want for a newer driver!

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