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Tuesday’s TPS Report: Italian Ponte Sheath Dress

Classiques Entier Italian Ponte Sheath Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. A reader noted once that, while she wasn’t plus-sized, she liked to look at plus-size versions of clothes wherever possible to “see how they would really look.” That had the ring of truth, so it’s stuck with me — so when I saw this amazing dress in plus sizes and lurved it, I had to post it. The sleeves! The starburst detail at the waist! The chic hemline! And it’s fully lined. Lovely. It’s available in black and teal in plus sizes 14W-24W, and the version in regular sizes also comes in a bright, light purple. The dress is $248-$278. Classiques Entier Italian Ponte Sheath Dress Two lower-priced alternatives are here (regular, petite, tall, plus) and here (regular sizes; blue, black). Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (If you are interested in plus size workwear, please sign up for CorporettePlus, our newsletter! Signing up helps us gauge interest in the project, and we promise not to blast your email more than once a week at most. (Right now it’s more like once a month.) In keeping with our Privacy Policy, we’ll never sell your email address.) P.S. I've never seen this before: Nordstrom has “extra savings” through 11/18. Lots of sale items are about 10% lower than they were yesterday. Happy shopping, ladies! (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

297 Comments

  1. I’m changing career fields and need to learn business jargon. Any recommendations on how to do this? I’d prefer an audio CD on a relevant topic of interest so I can make my drive to and from work more productive, but anything works.

    1. Are there any podcasts by people in the industry? That could be a good place to start.

    3. The best way to learn business jargon is to follow people who use it–LinkedIn, blogs, podcasts, newsletters. If you are more specific about what industry or what type of business jargon, people could direct you to specific resources.

      You might also want to check out books like Pocket MBA. Good luck.

  2. What’s the rule on bridal shower hosting etiquette? My BFF is getting married, I’m the MOH and she has 3 other bridesmaids. I and one of the bridesmaids live across the country from her, and 2 are in her city. The 2 in her city are planning a shower for her. Normally I’d try to go, but her wedding is coming up very fast so the shower is in a little over a month and the date was just finalized this week, so plane tickets are through the roof ($600+ to be there for about 24 hours, since I just started a new job and can’t take time off work). What’s the rule on paying for the shower? I always thought they were paid for by the people hosting, in this case the two local bridesmaids. But they seem to expect all the bridesmaids will contribute even though we won’t be there in person (although we might videochat during the shower). I’d be happy to contribute something ($25-50 maybe plus gift and the $2300 I’m spending to travel to the wedding) but they’re talking about shower venues that would run over $1000 total, or more than $250 per bridesmaid, which is just not in my budget. I live in a way, way lower cost of living area and so my salary is way lower than theirs, even though we’re all highly-skilled professionals – think doctor, lawyer, etc. I guess part of this is just irritation because I don’t think she needs a $1000 shower and I feel like it’s unfair for them to make that decision and expect me to contribute, but I feel stingy if I say I don’t want to give her that. My shower was probably $50 or $100 total (hosted in someone’s home) and it was awesome and I think we could do something similar for her that would be really lovely. I’m sure if I made $200K like they do I’d just be like “this is annoying, but whatever” but I make $65,000 and this would actually really hurt. Thoughts??

      1. This. It’s not in your budget and set the precedence now. Tell them you will contribute $100 to the shower expenses and send a gift to the bride. Seriously who cares what others will think. It is not your job, as bridesmaid or not, to shell out tons of money for a wedding.

    2. That all sounds crazy. Esp. when people probably, maybe have student loans and all sorts of real financial obligations already.

      I’m a biglaw partner, but from a humble background (as are many of my friends — all of our parents were Sears shoppers). My college friends had a party for me and we outsourced the food to my favorite Mexican place (we have done Costo for other friends) and had a girls’ day at a friend’s house. I was long-distance from the friends and really valued our friendship and spending time together.

      And I didn’t even want stuff. I was a grownup who had worked for a couple of years and didn’t think that upgrading on other people’s dime was appropriate. Stuff is for people who are starting out with nothing (like if you are 18 or 22 and getting married).

      This marital industrial complex stuff drives me nuts.

    3. No answers, but I had basically the same thing happen when I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding. I ended up spending over a thousand dollars just to be a bridesmaid. The shower was ridiculously expensive and the other bridesmaids actually mocked the shower gift I gave!

      Plus, the bridesmaid dress, the bachelorette party, etc. And she had 3 maids of honor! It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life.

    4. There is no universe or low cost of living area where your shower only cost $50-100. I get being annoyed at wedding expenses, but that’s part of the deal when you’re the MOH. Especially when you’re the MOH. Usually that means hosting the whole thing. I think you contribute the $250 toward the shower (that’s really not unreasonable), send a gift (and since you can’t go consider that savings for you), and think more realistically next time someone asks you to be in their wedding party if this pains you. I get it. I was in tons of weddings in my 20s and it was expensive. Sometimes you have to pay the cost of admission to your life and let retirement planning go.

      1. It was hosted in someone’s house, the hosts made food (it wasn’t at a mealtime so it was light food) and I think they spent about $20-$40 on decorations and favors. There were 14 people there. I don’t get what’s so hard to believe about that. I get that lots of people have fancy showers but saying “there is no universe or low cost of living area where your shower only cost $50-$100” is crazy.

        1. Gamp’s elemental law of transfiguration though. Someone purchased the ingredients for the food they made. And did you offer to host it in your city?

          1. I would absolutely LOVE to host it and have said that. None of them want to fly to me.

            Ingredients for food for 14 does not necessarily equal more than $100. There were cookies, brownies and small sandwiches provided by the host. That’s $25 maaaaaybe, if you go to Whole Foods, way less at a normal grocery store. I haven’t hosted bridal showers before but I’ve hosted dinner parties for about that number that were less than $100 so it’s certainly doable for a shower which typically isn’t a full meal.

          2. You get that’s not a nice event though, right? Cookies and brownies and tiny sandwiches? And you want people to fly to you so you can serve that in your home? Come on.

          3. Idk how you possibly host dinner for 14 for under $100. For a shower for 14 I would buy, for starters, 7 bottles of prosecco. Figure $12 each, which is a good deal. That’s already $84. Three cheeses for a plate- $18. Crackers- $5.

            It’s fine you had a cheap shower, but having a budget of more than $100 isn’t a crazy extravagance. It’s just different. You don’t have to contribute but you also don’t have to judge.

          4. Screw you, anon at 9:36. My afternoon tea shower (which was hosted by the bride at issue here, fwiw) was lovely and beautiful and shame on you for trying to say “it wasn’t a nice event.” Were you there? No. Then stop being a judgmental jerk.

          5. I never said having a budget of more than $100 was a crazy extravagance, I said having a budget of ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS was crazy. Y’all are judgmental b!itches.

          7. I just want to say, to the Anonymous OP, that your shower sounds lovely and I can’t believe people are saying it was too cheap.

          8. OP you can’t come on the Internet and exact everyone to validate your cheap and I generous approach to life. This isn’t an echo chamber.

          9. I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect bridesmaids to shell out lots of money for a shower. If they do, great. But price of admission? sheesh. Get over yourself. A MOH should be there to emotionally support the bride. If the bride wants fancy stuff and can’t afford to pay it herself, she shouldn’t expect others to do so. What a sense of entitlement.

          10. I think it’s fine to spend $100 on a shower and I think it’s absurd to expect people to fly in for a shower you spend $100 on.

          11. Totally agree with WK. Also, let’s be real here, in a higher COL area, which a lot of us live in, groceries just cost more. I would definitely expect to spend over $100 having a dinner party for 10 people. And that’s not including drinks / alcohol.

        2. I had 2 baby showers that were perfectly nice and cost less than $100 each. My wedding shower had like 7 people at it and probably cost $20. You do NOT need a venue or alcohol or anything else crazy expensive.

          OP, just say “that is not in my budget” and repeat as needed. :)

          1. There is no way any shower was $20 for 7 people, $2.50 a person?! You have to count ingredients on hand, flowers, drinks, etc. one quiche is close to $20 if you make it from scratch. This is just a complete failure to understand what goes into entertaining.

          3. Anon – there was NO FOOD at my wedding shower, nor flowers. Just presents and juice! Also no decorations! Kind of like if you had a few friends over in the afternoon to open presents randomly.

          4. A shower with no food? Just juice? That’s insane. Cheap and stingy and poor hosting. I’d offer any friend who stops by for the afternoon better than that. Especially if they were watching me open gifts they bought me.

          5. I really don’t get why people are getting so worked up about other people’s events. It’s not like we are talking about ISIS or abortion.

          6. ok everyone is being rude. But you cant invite people to give you presents and serve them juice. that is pretty terrible.

          7. Wait, you had people over to give you presents and you served them juice? And that’s it?

            I offer utter strangers more than that if they stop at my house, let alone a friend who is giving me a gift. Proper etiquette means you offer some kind of real refreshment to be a hostess.

          8. Anons – I note I had no control over the food, so you can throw shade on my MIL’s SIL who hosted instead. ;)

            As a final note, none of my bridesmaids attended except the one who was local; I don’t think I even invited them, bc $$. And I paid for their dresses and for a couple of their hotel rooms.

          9. Yeah, Diana, but you said it was “perfectly nice” not “an embarrassment I couldn’t control.”

          10. It WAS perfectly nice. My friends and family don’t need a $1000 shower to have a good time or to honor the bride or mom-to-be.

          11. I would be mortified and would feel terrible if someone threw me a shower and only served the guests juice. This is shocking to me. No one should spend $1000 on a shower (unless they want to) but surely there has to be something between that and just serving juice? And I say this as someone who didn’t grow up with much money, but I learned that being a good host meant giving your guests plenty to eat, even if just for an afternoon tea.

          12. Where do you live that a homemade quiche costs $20?
            I don’t think my grocery bill would be $20 if I went to the store right now and bought all the ingredients for quiche and most of them I have on hand and would only use a small portion of them to make quiche (eggs, flour, cheese, milk, etc.)

          13. NYC. Eggs – $3, smallest milk $3, flour $2, Cheese $3, $5 worth of veggies. Sounds about right to me. Often people in HCOL areas with small apartments don’t have fully stocked pantries..

        3. Where on earth do you guys shop? I buy mostly organic but at cheaper stores like Safeway and I’ve had several dinner parties about that size that came in around $100. And that was with serving chicken or fish. When I do something like a veggie lasagna, it’s about half that. And I’m in a major city (not NY or SF though). I would never entertain if I had to spend $250 every time I had friends over.

      2. I think there is a bit of truth here. I don’t think you have to spend more than you can afford, but a total shower budget of $100 is a fantasy. And if they’re doing a shower in a city, they probably need a venue. You must get that city dwellers don’t typically have large apartments to host in?

        I think you’re coming off a bit judgmental and disingenuous, and you really should have spoken up much sooner about all of this.

        1. The two hosts each have a 3 BR townhouse, plus their communities have a common area that can be reserved. And only 15 people are attending so it’s not like they would have to fit 40 people in their house.

          I said I would contribute $50 which is a total shower budget of $200.

          1. I’m a middle ground person here. I’d offer at least $100 (if you are paying $2300 for the wedding, that should be affordable). You are the MOH, so I think you should make a substantial contribution to the shower. I don’t think a shower gift is an absolute necessity if you are not attending. Just a nice card to your friend indicating you wish you could be there and how you are looking forward to the wedding etc. I’m sure others will disagree but if cost is an issue, I’d skip the gift but try to bear more of the burden of the event.

          2. +1 to Bewitched. As a bride, I felt like my friends were giving me a huge gift by traveling to attend my wedding. I didn’t want them to spend another penny on me.

      3. Major +1. This site is not a good place to appropriately survey this question as people are way too anti-wedding everything.

        1. Totally agreed! I can’t get over complaining about spending $250 on a shower. That’s reasonable in any area. And to think you could throw a shower for $200 total is simply laughable. Has the OP ever grocery shopped? Hosted anyone for anything? She’s getting off cheap with this plan.

          1. Seriously what is your deal? Yes, I have grocery shopped. And WOW you are incredibly rude. I have hosted dinner parties for ~10 people many times for about a hundred dollars. You don’t have to serve lobster and foie gras. And a shower is not typically a full meal. I’ve attend many showers that were in the $100-$200 range. In the Midwest, $1000 showers are unheard of. They’re in someone’s home, with $100-$200 spent on food and decorations. Literally every single shower I’ve ever attended has been this way.

          2. I live in the Midwest. Although your experience has included bridal showers in a home, that certainly is not “how it is” out here. No one in my circle or even that I know has had this in their home. I hate the Midwest = cheap stigma and your comments do nothing to help.

          3. But she’s not asking for it to be a $250 shower, which is reasonable. It’s going to be a $1000 shower, for 15 guests. That’s over the top – especially when you are expecting half of the budget to come from people who won’t be attending the actual event.

          4. People should just give up on having bridesmaids all togther. It is such a bad deal: you absorb the cost of the wedding costumes and entertaining, especially when the level is higher that normal and often involves travel.

            If you have bridesmaids, you should clothe them at your expense. And expect them to show up on time and be sober. This shower and batcheloret*te weekend stuff is great and you should pay for what you want with that, too. No passing your expenses on to others.

          5. I had two showers when I got married and I doubt either of them cost more than $250. Both were held in the hostess’s house and food was light finger food. This is completely normal for where I live and my social circle.

          6. I live in NYC and had my bridal shower at someone’s apartment. I’m sure it came in around $400-500 when you add in the drinks (prosecco), food, and decorations. But personally, I think the trend of hosting bridal showers in rented out restaurants or other venues is just part of the ever-escalating ridiculousness of weddings. You don’t need to have 40 people, and you probably have someone in your friend group who has an apartment big enough to host 15 or so people (even if you’re squished on the floor). All that said, I think all the bridesmaids, and especially the MOH, should chip in for the shower if someone else (i.e. mother/MIL of the bride) aren’t hosting, whether they go or not. But you absolutely should have a say in what it entails and what you’re comfortable contributing. You can definitely do a shower in a major city (even NYC) for much less than $1000. I did it for a friend as well!

          7. $100 showers are the norm here too (Mountain West). They’re usually in someone’s yard, garage, or living room, with a few platters of cookies from Costco and a punch made out of pink lemonade and soda (if the host goes all out maybe there will also be deviled eggs or crackers and cheese). I’ve never been to a shower in a rented venue (unless you count a pavilion in a public park) or that served alcohol. Are these events “nice” in the objective, compared-to-Gossip-Girl sense? Maybe not, but they’re exactly what all the guests are expecting and therefore not embarrassing or rude.

          8. I’ve absolutely thrown showers for less than that. Also in the midwest, and our average wedding shower is someone’s living room, or maybe a public meeting room like at the art museum or church. Most showers have homemade desserts and some sort of ice cream punch, taco dip, a cheese and cracker tray….we’re not getting written up in Town&Country, but everyone has a nice time.

            My bridal shower was about 20 people at a restaurant for brunch with boozy drinks and I think the total bill to the hosts was $300.

          9. No, $250 is not a reasonable chip-in amount for most people in wedding parties. Showers used to normally be in someone’s living room, with light refreshments (maybe lunch) and punch or a few light cocktails, not blowouts with full menus at a rented venue. If whoever is hosting can afford to do more, then great, but you can’t expect that that will be the going rate. Add $250 to a shower to a shower gift, wedding gift, $150+ for a bridesmaid’s dress, hair/ nails, shoes, travel expenses and two nights in a hotel for the rehearsal, and you’re looking at a couple thousand for someone else’s wedding. That’s crazy.

      4. Seriously, I’m a lawyer and in London and even I can recognize that $250 is a lot of money for a lot of people, especially if you agreed to be MOH for a Bride who you thought was in your “home-hosted afternoon snack” wheelhouse.

      5. Come on now, it’s absurd to say you can’t have a cheap, nice shower. My mom hosted one for a neighbor friend a few years ago. I just asked her how much it cost and she said: “Nothing, all the food was homemade.” I pointed out that she must have spent something on the ingredients and she said: “Maybe $10 or $15 on canned blueberries and fresh fruit. Everything else I had on hand.” She made quiche, blueberry muffins, cinnamon french toast and fresh fruit salad. My mom’s an amazing cook, everyone raved about the food, and I guarantee you no one went home hungry or grumbling about the shower being cheap and tacky. It’s fine for you to say that if it were your shower you’d want a fancier event but it’s ridiculous to say you can’t have a perfectly nice shower for 10-15 people on a $200 total budget, or even much less.

        1. It didn’t cost nothing though. The host had to pay for the things she had on hand.

          2. Ooh, sorry, I forgot to factor in 50 cents worth of flour and three dollars worth of eggs and two dollars worth of butter, and 10 cents worth of salt….you get the idea. It’s a loooong way to $1,000 from there. Also, I would argue that using up groceries you already have on hand is much easier financially writing a check for the same amount out of pocket (although in this case the amount of groceries was well less than $50 anyway, which is a pretty trivial amount).

    5. I would just be open and honest about y our situation. I’d say that you really want to contribute and make it a great day for your friend, but this just isn’t in your budget. And propose some really nice alternatives. Make it sound like you really want to do this but just can’t.

    6. I don’t understand this at all. They decided that they wanted to host a shower, picked a date at the last minute so that you are unable to attend, and want you to contribute to it? No, just no.
      I would pick up the phone and explain the situation to them almost exactly as you did here (but with some extra niceness so it goes over well). Obviously you want the bride, your BFF, to have a great shower, but it is unreasonable to expect someone who is unable to attend and who isn’t the host of the event to contribute a large sum for the shower to be extravagant. If you don’t want to refuse altogether, you could offer to contribute a portion of the event – like offer to pay for, address, and mail invitations. It might end up being over $50 but you’re adding labor and it would be a lot less than $250.

      1. To be fair, she finalized her wedding party last week so it’s not so much that they picked a last minute date as that she had a very short engagement (<6 months) and has completely dragged her feet about planning. But it still has the same result, which is that it's cost-prohibitive for me to attend at this point.

      2. I think Care’s suggestion is a great compromise. Offer to contribute what you can financially, and some labor that can be done at a distance.

    7. Just say that! Without all the judgment. “Hey, this sounds awesome. I’m not going to be able to attend, but will be sending my best wishes. I can contribute $50 to this.”

    8. I think it is usual for all the bridesmaids to share the cost of the shower, but what’s “usually done” doesn’t make sense for every situations. For example, when I was MOH for my sister, the other bridesmaids were 20, 18 and 16, so obviously I didn’t expect them to contribute to the cost of the shower. In this case, if an $1000 shower isn’t in your budget, let the other bridesmaids know now (and let them know what you can contribute, if anything) so that they can either change their plans or continue with the $1000 shower knowing that they’ll be footing the bill.

      1. I’ve never been to a shower like this. Every single shower I have been to, usually one or two people host, and the hosts actually host it, as in they give the party. And if other people want to contribute they offer to help out. It’s nice for the bridesmaids to host a shower, but definitely not required, or even expected. And it would have been really weird for any of the hosts to take up a collection from the bridesmaids, especially from bridesmaids who weren’t even going to be there, for a party that they themselves were supposed to be hosting.

    9. Could you contribute a THING that will be valued, more than money? Like, send some fancy snacks or wine (not sure about shipping wine rules) or favors or a playlist or something? Or tons of pictures of the bride in funny shots? Something like that goes over well, and could save you $, without being seen as cheap.

      I get the $ part, I do, I’m there with you. But keep it surface. “This is not in my budget. I cannot afford this now.” without going into the budget, cost of living, everyone’s got the same jobs at the same levels but different stuff. No one cares, and no one will suddenly have a lightbulb moment rather than quit asking you to cough up. Just tell them you can’t afford it.

      1. Right. It’s fine to just say no. It’s not ok to carry on like they’re Marie Antionette.

        And since the OP now admits she told them her budget was $50, I think she’s done.

        1. I haven’t told them yet. When I said “I said my budget was $50” I meant “I said [in previous comments on thissite] that my budget was $50.” But I will tell them that’s my budget and leave it at that.

    10. I don’t think it is unreasonable for the hosting bridesmaids to ask the other bridesmaids for a contribution. However, if they do that, they have to include the non-hosting bridesmaids in the planning. They don’t get to spend their money, without letting them have some say in how much money is spent.

      So I would let them know *now* how much you can contribute to the shower. They can spend as much as they want, but you can hold firm on the amount you are able to contribute. If they kick up a fuss, you can point out that the amount you might have been able to spend on a shower is going towards plane fare and hotel costs and there simply isn’t any more to spare.

      There is absolutely no need for a bridal shower to cost $1000.

      2. Yes! This is the one. I’ve contributed to several baby and bridal showers I wasn’t able to attend, but I let the other hosts know in advance what my budget or contribution could be, and everyone took it from there.

        I guess it’s regional, but I’ve never been to a shower that even approached costing $1000, so I don’t think you’re completely out of line to balk at splitting that.

    11. Honestly, if you’re the MOH, you agreed to expensive hosting responsibilities when you took on the role. I know a friend of mine was really hurt by her friends’ unwillingness to step up when she had done the same for their weddings. Just suck it up and cut back on other discretionary expenses for a few months.

      1. Just want to throw out here that some of us have less “discretionary” expenses than others on this s!te.

        1. It’s advertised as for successful, “overachieving”‘women, which translates to a decent paycheck. And let’s be clear here, OP makes a decent salary and admits she’s married so probably actually has two incomes.

          1. I absolutely hate the idea that “overachieving” = “high earning.” I’ve said it before on this site, but some of my most brilliant, most accomplished friends are in academia and spent their 20s and most of their 30s in the graduate school and postdoc positions earning $20,000 to $50,000 a year, which is a salary that really lives shockingly little room for discretionary expenses. Many doctors and lawyer also spend their 20s and 30s in school and then earning large incomes but with enormous debt from school. I do not think “overachieving” has all that much correlation with “wealthy,” especially if you’re looking at younger women.

          2. Oh good grief, so many typos in my previous post….I really miss the “edit” function

          3. +1 to SAS. Overachieving does not equal high-earning. Not everyone determines success by the size of their paychecks. Nor do people choose to spend their money as frivolously as some people on this site.

          4. Yes. Yes. Yes. Newsflash: for some of us, “overachieving” has not the slightest thing to do with money. Income is not the measure of who we are, our achievements, or our value to our profession.

          5. Jesus f*ck no it does not. I’m in university administration in a highly competitive niche (my director told me there were 300 applications for the two positions that I got one of), went to a regionally-competitive graduate program (could absolutely have gotten into a top 10 program in my field, chose not to for lifestyle and financial reasons), and graduated cum laude from a highly-ranked undergraduate school. I make $41,000 in a LCOL area. I do okay, but I do not have $250 for your bridal shower that I’m not attending.

          6. For all you know, the husband is in grad school and drowning in debt.

            Every wedding I’ve been in has at least one teacher or stay-at-home mom. They have driven the budget (so bridesmaids dresses for $100, if that), as have family backgrounds (so if you are a Big 4 Partner, but your family is of bus drivers in Iowa, you throw a partner wedding in your new city only if you pay to fly everyone in and house and clothe them); otherwise, you do your Iowa budget with some fancy extras.

          7. My SIL is a doctor and could easily be classified as an overachiever. And she makes a very good salary.

            However, since the birth of a child with multiple physical disabilities and several serious, on-going medical issues, most of that salary has been targeted for keeping him alive and giving him the best quality of life possible. An accessible addition to the house. Home nurses (insurance pays part of this). Adaptive equipment insurance won’t pay for. Extra physical therapy that insurance won’t pay for. Special swimming lessons in an adaptive pool, that insurance won’t pay for. Travel expenses 4-6 times a year to the one doctor they have been able to find who can treat their son.

            Oh, and she stopped working for two years after he was born, to stay home with him and make sure he kept breathing.

            People can make good salaries, but that doesn’t mean they have a lot of expendable income.

          8. Actually you can be at the top of your field and not make Big Law money…..Im confused by equating money and achievement

        2. classism and entitlement don’t need to come along with successful and overachieving. We also don’t know anything else about her financial situation. I make about what OP does and am married, and our finances are very squeezed. I definitely couldn’t afford 2300 for a wedding.

          1. Exactly. She could have giant student loans, be underwater on her mortgage, financially supporting aging parents, paying off huge medical bills, etc. Or she could be successfully and over-achieving in a non-profit or government position.

      3. I disagree with this to a certain extent. Agreeing to be MOH does not automatically sign you up for outrageous expenses and expectations. I was MOH for my BFF who lives across the country. When she asked, I made clear that I could either to the b-party or bridal shower, but not both with the cost of attending the wedding. Her and I communicated that, and she had someone else host her bridal shower. I played no role in that because I was not hosting, I did send a small gift.

        So, I think there is no “default” when it comes to roles and requirements. But, what seems to be missing here is clear communication with everyone: Anon OP to Bride, Anon OP to the hosts, Bride to Bridesmaids. What seems to be at the heart of this is the Bride’s late planning and some rather out-of-sync expectations. Maybe the expectations are regional. Or, maybe the late planning and quick deadlines are causing the situation to escalate. Either way, Anon OP, if I were you I would focus on deescalating the situation. If the expectation has been set that you will contribute, kindly do what you’re able. But don’t be afraid to corral the troops (bridesmaids) to calm everyone down and review (what seems to be an absolutely absurd) budget. As the MOH you are the leader, and if every one is deferring to you on things, use that to your advantage.

      4. I completely disagree that she’s required to host on other people’s terms. I agree that the MOH should offer to host a shower or if that’s not feasible (which it sounds like it isn’t in this case) offer to contribute within her means to a shower hosted by someone else. But I don’t know where in the MOH rulebook it says you have to contribute to a shower that other people plan without consulting you, when that shower is an extravagant one that totally blows your budget. If the other bridesmaids planned a bachelor-e-t-t-e trip to Bali, would you say she has to shell out for international plane tickets and luxury resort accommodations? Where do you draw the line? It’s clear that at least these two bridesmaids are far better off financially than OP and I don’t know why being MOH means she has to agree to all the expensive things they want to do in connection with the wedding.

        And if your friends can’t tell the difference between an unsupportive MOH and a MOH who is supporting them emotionally and logistically but can’t contribute $250 to a shower when she’s already spending thousands on a wedding, buying a bridesmaid dress, shelling out for multiple gifts, etc., you need new friends.

        I was hurt by unsupportive bridesmaids too. But by the ones that acted like they didn’t give a crap about my wedding, not the ones who said “I love you and I’m so excited for you and I’ll help you with planning any way I can, but X expense isn’t in my budget.”

      5. She’s already spending over two grand for this wedding. Acting like she’s supposed to spend even more – and the difference can be made up with a few packed lunches – is absurd.

        Also, *she’s married.* Maybe this husband-dude in her life also has a say in how the *family* income is spent. And while he might be willing to tighten his belt for the actual wedding, he might (justifiably) balk at spending hundreds more on a bridal shower.

        It’s insane enough to judge people by what they make, so why judge by how willing they are to blow their hard-earned money?

      6. Actually, being a bridesmaid or MOH commits a person to a) buying the outfit the bride requests, and b) showing up sober and properly dressed for the rehearsal and wedding and reception and c) being polite and cheerful through it all.

        It is not an agreement to spend hundreds of dollars, craft 500 wedding favors, decorate the reception hall, throw one or more parties, or become the bride’s personal servant. Many brides think this way, but they are wrong.

    12. This is a tough situation. I’ve been a long-distance bridesmaid several times, and on a few occasions I ended up feeling railroaded into things by some of the local bridesmaids who would plan things in person and then send an email to the remote bridesmaids telling us what they were going to spend and how much they wanted us to contribute.

      The hardest part was for one wedding across the country when I had already figured out what I would be spending on the wedding (travel, hotel, bridesmaid dress, wedding gift, incidentals) and then they emailed two weeks before saying that we should all contribute $X for a “bridesmaid basket” to give her the night before the wedding. I felt awkward backing out when there was social pressure on an email chain of seven, but I also wanted to stand my ground about what I was willing to spend. It felt like there was just this endless draining of my bank account with no understanding that some of us have budgets and limits.

      OP, I totally get where you’re coming from. I started feeling really resentful of the other bridesmaids (especially because I didn’t know most of them very well, and our only communication seemed to involve them asking me for money!) and would get into these angry internal rants about how our values were different, they didn’t understand living on a budget, etc. But none of it helped. Like someone else said above, they weren’t going to change or have some lightbulb moment.

      So what I did was decide exactly how much I was willing to spend on these extra gifts as sort of a cost of admission to the wedding, volunteered that amount, and then sat back and let them figure out the rest. Did they think I was cheap to only contribute $50 to the bridesmaid basket? Maybe, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter what they thought? I contributed something, my friend honestly didn’t even notice who gave what in the basket, and I stood my ground on a limit for incidentals. That was the best solution I could come up with, given the circumstances.

      Good luck. This is one of those situations where it’s hard to come up with a solution, but many of the posters above have great suggestions.

    13. This all sounds a little nuts to me. I’m in my early 30’s. I’ve been to nine non-family weddings over the years. I was a bridesmaid in several of them. I’ve never been to a bridal shower, and don’t think there was one for any of those weddings. I’ve never really understood the concept; you celebrate the engagement at an engagement party, you celebrate the bride at a bachelorette party, and you give gifts for the new couple at the wedding; why do you need a second gift-giving event? Is this a regional thing? (I’m in NYC) A “people who like to spend money on STUFF” thing? I can tell you it’s not about what people can and cannot afford, because I and most of my friends work in BigLaw ($200K+ incomes, and some have made partner so it’s way way more than that). I’ve been totally happy to travel to weddings (and have done so at considerable expense) because I want to be there with the couple. But the emphasis on stuff is so weird to me. I’m single so I guess I have a while to decide what I’ll want to do, but I have zero interest in having a party to get gifts just before you have ANOTHER party where people are expected to give gifts. For the OP, I think it’s fine to say it’s just not in your budget, and send a gift that primarily costs time/love rather than money (put together a collection of photos of you, etc.).

      1. I’m a little scared to comment for fear of being wrong, but in my experience (which may not be the experience anyone else has had or may be location specific), the bridal shower is an opportunity for celebrating in a more intimate setting with the bride which primarily involves the friends of the couple’s mothers. Many of the guests are usually not invited to the bachelorette party (which tend to be smaller groups of just bridesmaids plus some other close friends). My understanding of the gifts is that you pick a total amount you will spend on the couple as a wedding gift. Then you divide that amount as you see fit. That might mean two smaller gifts (one at bridal shower, one at wedding), a smaller shower gift with a larger wedding gift, or one big gift at either occasion. As someone that prefers to do one big gift, I would rather give it to the bride at an event where she will open it in front of me. Although it is nice to ship things through registry websites, I like to know that the bride definitely received the gift and I like to see my friends happy or excited about what they are receiving. Plus, the mom friends like to ooh and ahh over random kitchen stuff and talk about what they got at their showers back in the day – I think that’s cute and fun.

      2. I agree with your last sentence, but not as much the rest of it. I honestly think the gift-giving of a bridal shower is kind of secondary to the sort of female-bonding, rite of passage aspect of it. Which these days is less of a thing, since most people live together and set up house before getting married, but I think it still can have a lot of symbolic meaning as far as building a home for the long-term, and passing on lessons and traditions from mothers and aunts to daughters. Like, I appreciate the cake pan, but what really made it special was the accompanying family cake recipe and letter explaining what it meant to your family, and the underlying message of community support for the relationship, and feeling welcomed by a community. Also, most people I know don’t really have big engagement parties or bachelorette parties.

    14. This is crazy.

      First, a shower is not a required pre-wedding event. As the MOH, there is no requirement that you plan one. The only ones I’ve been to were thrown by older female relatives, where it was more about the older family and their friends getting to fuss over the bride-to-be. I’m sure this varies to some extent based on region/culture, but the expectation that bridesmaids will throw multiple expensive parties for the bride is just completely inappropriate. I mean sure if the bridesmaids want to do that and can afford it, but it’s certainly not the “price of admission” for standing up at the altar to support the bride, who is presumably someone who you are very close with and asked you to stand up because she loves you and not because of all the parties you’re going to bankroll.

      Second, you live across the country and are already shelling out thousands of dollars. I’m sure the bride wouldn’t want you spend any more (and if she does, she’s a crappy person or has maybe temporarily lost her mind due to stress). This also gets you out of any responsibility for any parties that you’re not attending in person. The expectation that you’ll pay to host a shower that you’re not attending is laughably crazy.

      Third, $1000 on a shower is insane (if you can afford it then great, but don’t ask other people to pay for it like it’s some sort of normal expense). I’m in my early 30s, biglaw, and I’ve thrown 2 baby showers, each of which was a blast and cost less than $100. I love throwing parties and have people over constantly, and the idea that you are a terrible “entertainer” if you aren’t throwing down serious $ is just thoroughly silly. People don’t come for the “entertainment” — they come to spend time with people they enjoy. I enjoy cooking and let the guests bring the wine (people always ask what they can bring and I tell them a bottle of wine). Not expensive.

      Bottom line, the people who want to have all the parties and can afford to pay for them are welcome to do so. It’s thoroughly optional though and NEVER okay to ask other bridesmaids to pay for events that they can’t attend. Especially when they’re already going to be coming in from out of town for the wedding and spending money on airfare/hotel/transportation/food, etc.!

    15. Where I’m from, the bride’s mom usually plans it and pays for most of it with some bridesmaid planning help. Sure, it’s technically against etiquette, but shelling out a lot of money is a lot to ask of your friends and I really don’t understand why it matters if the family hosts it. It’s a thing everyone has, who cares? I especially think it’s inappropriate to expect your friends to host a shower at an expensive restaurant.

      1. This is standard where I’m from too- it’s the bride’s extended family that hosts a shower (aunts, usually) and they invite bridesmaids. The bridesmaids host a bachelorette (sometimes includes a lingerie shower) but not the official shower.

        I think OP needs to voice her concerns NOW- and present her budget up front- it would be terrible for the girls hosting if they went ahead with planning, assuming OP was going to contribute $250+, and then found out that she didn’t plan to.

    16. I think you are looking for some sort of validation that you are not obligated to pay for these wedding expenses and you’re not. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid or MOH is not an automatic agreement to spend thousands of dollars. If that bride or other bridesmaids disagree, then you probably won’t talk to them after the wedding and that’s a good thing. However, this site is no longer the place to go to get an understanding, respectful response. A good portion of the women, in my experience, have been rude, offensive, and showing a complete lack of compassion. I think it has gotten worse over the years. My suggestion is to find another outlet where people will still give their opinion, but they know how to do so in a way that is not completely offensive. This site is not a good place for that anymore. Don’t ask for advice because you will not be satisfied with the way it is conveyed to you, not necessarily the advice or opinion, just the way it is expressed.

      2. I think people read into comments too much and get offended for no good reason. Everything offends everyone nowadays and it is so annoying.

  3. I see sheath dresses frequently featured here and wondered if I’m missing something. As much as I like them on the rack, I really don’t see them actually fitting women well in real life, including myself. They tend to pull too much at the hips, emphasize stomachs and/or fit badly in the bust, not to mention ride up funny when sitting. The one woman I know who looks great in sheath dresses confessed that she had hers custom made when she lived in Hong Kong for a year.

    Does everyone here just get a lot of alterations done, or do you put up with a less than great fit because sheath dresses are considered work basics? Personally, I much prefer structured dresses with a fitted waist and slightly A line skirt. If you have suggestions for sheath dresses that are cut for hourglass rather than straight shapes, I’d be interested, especially if they have a petite range.

      1. +1

        I’m a curvy size 8. Elie Tahari also fits me perfectly without needing to be tailored.

    2. I have several sheath dresses from Target that fit me well. I wouldn’t say I have a “straight” shape, but I am small “on top”, which may help. Like any other structured article of clothing, it usually takes time to find a brand that fits well, and alterations are often needed anyway.

      The poor fit you describe sounds to me like women wearing dresses a size too small…

      1. I see a lot of women wearing clothing a size too small. There are a lot of people who seem to think that if they can get into the item of clothing, it fits. Not so!

    3. I just end up trying on A LOT of them. Most of them don’t work out but the few that do look great. I suppose you could try the tailoring route but that just seems pretty expensive…

    4. I’m hourglass-y, and I really like Calvin Klein sheath dresses. They do come in petite, but I feel like the petites are realllly short. I’m only 5’4 and wear petite in other things (pants, etc), but the regular length for these dresses fits me better.

      2. Agreed. I’m an hourglassy pear, and Calvin Klein sheaths are good bets for me. I’m 5’3″ and generally buy regular (not petite) and have it hemmed.

      3. I’m a 5’6″ pear with a middle I’d rather not draw attention and a rear that is large and in charge. Calvin Klein is my go to for sheath dresses.

    5. I am pear-shaped. I get mine altered so that the top isn’t baggy. But no other cut (shift, a-line) works for me.

    6. I’m a solid 14 right now and sheaths look great on me. I think it’s all about body type. I’m an apple and sheaths look better than the fit and flare, which does nothing for me. I wear 12p/14p off the rack.

    7. I get a lot of alternations done. I’m a 16 on the top and 18/20 on the bottom, so very few things fit me off the rack and I’ve made my peace with that. I factor the cost of alterations into items like sheath dresses when I’m buying them to decide if it’s worth the actual/final cost.

    8. I love the look of sheath dresses but am hard to fit (straight figure, long-waisted), so I choose styles carefully and spend a lot on tailoring. I try to choose dresses that fit in the shoulders and bust and aren’t too tight in the ribcage (where the waist of the dress usually hits me, at least 2-3″ above my natural waistline), without crazy seaming or ruching below the waistline that would be difficult to alter. Then I have the bottom half of the dress altered, which usually means taking in the side seams and adding or extending darts.

    9. Sheaths are the only dresses that are flattering on me! (Tall, athletic figure with broad shoulders, small bust and waist, substantial thighs). But I do have to shop very carefully as I’m long waisted and long torso’d, so most waists are set way too high, and many are also too short. I don’t do alterations but just wait till I find something that fits.

      1. I am also long-waisted and have a hard time finding sheaths that hit me at my natural waist. Are there any particular brands that you like?

      2. I am long waisted too and have such a hard time finding dresses that hit me at my natural waist. Are there any particular brands you have found to work for you?

        1. I’m also long-waisted but only 5’6” so I order Longs or Talls then have them hemmed. I’ve had great luck at Boden, sometimes I can get away with their regulars too.

    10. Thanks everyone for the ideas. I agree that often women wear a size too small, but because a sheath dress has to fit just so in all the key areas to look right, I can’t blame anyone for wearing a dress that gets one area wrong if it looks amazing everywhere else. I’m guilty of the same. I’ll try some of these brands and look for a good tailor in my new area.

  4. so the managing partner just surprised me with a networking event that he would like me to attend this evening, and im feeling underdressed. I’m wearing a light grey pencil skirt, a light blue crew neck, long sleeve sweater, black stockings and black flats.

    I wasnt feeling this outfit when I left the house this morning (but was running late and… whatever). Any way to salvage to make it professional enough for networking? I have 2 blazers in my office – black, and light pink, and two other pairs of shoes – olive wedges and grey flats.

    I was thinking of just taking off the stockings so it wasn’t so many colors? any other ideas? thanks!

    1. Stockings are fine because they are the same color as your black flats. I’d swap for the black blazer – then you’re good to go. Then you’re just black, grey, blue. Totally kosher.

    3. If you have a CVS near you, get some nude-for-you nylons and swap them out for the black tights; then go with the skirt, shirt, black blazer, and black flats. Otherwise, keep the tights on – I think it’s too late in the year to go with bare legs.

    4. Are you near any stores that sell cheap jewelry, like H&M, F21, or Loft? Adding in a necklace and the blazer would dress up your look.

      1. +1 I love affordable jewelry on day-of.
        There’s a local consignment shoppe that sells affordable statement necklaces & earrings…

    5. Put on a blazer if everyone else will be wearing one, but you’re fine as-is. I 100% guarantee nobody will care what you are wearing, unless you work in fashion orPR. You don’t need to go shopping. Do you spend these events critiquing the outfits of everyone there? Do you think anybody else does?

      1. People definitely will notice and it may impact their view of you negatively. I don’t think you’re fine as is – I would recommend at least a blazer and some jewelry (maybe a nice necklace), and perhaps heels if you wear them. Flats can be a bit frumpy.

        1. Agreed. If the managing partner has invited you somewhere, you step up your game. Flats may be ok if they’re dressy. But, even though I were flats 90% of the time, a networking events I’m in heels.

          1. I’m a klutz so I don’t network with wine in heels. There is too much of an opportunity for things to go horribly and it look like I’m drunk/I spill wine on people. Flats4Lyfe.

          2. But I wear “suiting flats.” Cap Hill Style has a good post on the difference. Also I’m very tall.

    6. I ended up buying a black shirt, so its black shirt, black blazer, grey skirt, black tights, black shoes. Definitely feel less frumpy, thanks for the advice!

  5. For those of you who sent karma last week for my exam yesterday–I passed. I’m now a certified equivalent to a professional engineer or a registered architect, but in a different industry. Thanks for the good thoughts!

    I treated myself to a gym membership after almost 2 years away.

    4. Yay! Congrats! And what a great way to treat yourself–enjoy your workouts. :-)

  6. My google-fu is failing me so I thought I’d ask you ladies. I’ve narrowed down my purse hunt to 2 bags, both Coach. My second choice keeps being marked down 25% at Nordstrom but my top choice only seems to be available directly from Coach. Does Coach ever have sales? Should I wait until Black Friday or just get my 2nd choice (which is $100 cheaper on sale)? I’m signed up for emails from Coach but haven’t seen any discounts come through yet.

    1. I have gotten 25% off entire store coupons from Coach in the past, by mail and also by email, and I know I had one for Black Friday before. I’ve stopped paying attention (had a kid and new purses haven’t been in the budget), but a quick search of my email and the most recent one I received by email was 2012. Could you return your second choice if the first one was discounted for Black Friday?

    2. I get friends & family type discount offers in the mail a few times a year, generally for 20 or 25% off one item. I only started getting them after making a purchase at my local store, though.

    3. I’ll enable – do you love your first choice? If so, I’d just get it. I don’t know coach’s policies specifically, but I have let the perfect bag/shoes/accessory go before in a sale and regretted it. If it’s in your budget, get the bag you really want. You’ll be happier and less likely to replace it sooner.

      1. I feel the same way. If you have an actual favorite, you will regret it if you let it go.

      2. That’s part of my problem. My top choice is my favorite because it has both a cross body strap and long enough handles to go over my shoulder. It is crosshatch leather though, which I’m not sure I like as much as the smooth leather if my second choice. So it’s my top choice but it isn’t perfect. I think I care about the handles more than the leather type though so I’ll probably just go for it.

          1. The handles would be a dealbreaker for me – I insist on being able to carry my bag on my shoulder, and I don’t like cross-bodies for work (more casual, more prone to wrinkling up my outfit, and because of the weight of my laptop, I always feel like one b**b is going to be amputated.)

          2. My current bag only works as a crossbody so I’ve gotten used to it. But I think you’re right. I miss the option of putting it over my shoulder.

            I’ll wait until Black Friday in hopes of a sale but I’ll pay full price for my top choice if it doesn’t goon sale. Thanks for the help everyone!

          3. FWIW, I think your top choice is gorgeous, pebbled leather and all. Second choice is also very nice, but I think you’re making the right decision!

          4. Thanks! It’s the most I’ve ever paid for a bag so I’m hesitating a bit, but I’m tired of replacing mine each year.

    4. I’d wait until Black Friday (or even Thanksgiving day) since all stars seem to have some promotion. Retailmenot has Coach promotion codes now for free monogramming and shipping so I’d check there closer to Black Friday.

    5. If there is a Coach store in your town, go pay them a visit. Let the sales associate know that you are considering that bag and to let you know if there’s an upcoming sale. I have been very impressed with their customer service and on one occasion they gave me a 15% discount on the spot if I bought it that day (I did). Not saying you should expect it, just saying that you might find it’s worth the effort to go in person.

      1. Thanks! If there isn’t a Black Friday sale, I’ll definitely try to go in person the following week. There is a store in walking distance from my office.

  7. Is there a list of websites somewhere for companies that offer both free shipping and free returns? The nearest mall to me is 30-45 minutes away and I just don’t have the time for shopping any more. And I have a difficult body to fit so 90% of anything I try on isn’t going to work out, so having to run back to the mall to make returns isn’t ideal either. TIA!

    1. I don’t know where there is a lost, but Nordstrom and Zappos are my go-to for this.

      Also, check if you have an American Express card that lets you access Shoprunner for free. They have free 2-day shipping and free returns at a bunch of stores including Lord & Taylor and Eddie Bauer.

    2. Nordstrom, Zappo’s, Amazon Prime, anything via shoprunner – so tons of stores, like Lord & Taylor, Neiman Marcus, and lower end ones, too. You can find a list on the shoprunner site.

    3. Be careful relying on Shoprunner’s “free returns.” I ordered something from Neiman’s that I wanted to return and when I went to SR to request the return shipping label, they merely kicked me over to the NM website to print it, saying “the retailer offers free returns!” But, NM only offers free returns if it arrives back at their warehouse within 14 days that you received the package, which is an incredibly small window. I was outside that window, so SR told me I was SOL. I ended up going into the store to return it because I had other returns, but if that’s not an option to you or not cost effective, you’re stuck eating the return shipping cost.

  8. I work in a very small office. Our admin support person was out yesterday with a medical emergency. I heard from her husband this morning, that she had a miscarriage (she did not know she was pregnant).
    What can I do for her? How much time should we give her (she wants to work from home today, and return to the office tomorrow, I suppose she knows herself best, but should I caution against this?) She has only been in the office a few months, so I don’t know her very well.

    I am at a loss and would be grateful for guidance.

    1. A miscarriage is not always medically traumatic. She may be medically fine coming to work tomorrow, and may feel better emotionally getting out and about. You can let her know that it’s not necessary to come in, but I wouldn’t “caution” her on how to handle her own medical situation.

      1. +1. Let her handle her own recovery. Card or flowers might be nice (if you would for anyone who is out sick).

      2. +1 I’d tell her that works for you, but she shouldn’t feel like she has to come in tomorrow if she doesn’t want to/doesn’t feel that’s best.

        1. +1. But know that it may hit her emotionally later and if you can, let her take time if/when it does. When this happened to me I came into work the very next day just to keep my mind off it. When it really hit me about a month or so later, I felt like too much time had passed and I couldn’t take the time I needed to heal emotionally.

    2. I agree you don’t caution her, but I would emphasize she can take as much time off as she needs. If she’s a new employee, she probably doesn’t feel comfortable asking for much and that’s your place to make it okay for her since she doesn’t know the office culture yet.

    3. Let her take as much time as she needs, and if she wants to come back to work, allow it but also let her know that if she feels like she needs to go home it’s totally fine with you.

    4. I think everyone deals with a miscarriage differently and it varies by pregnancy too (my first one I was unable to function for a few days and was in a daze for the next month, my second one the distraction of working was the best thing possible and I went back the next day). I’d take her at her word unless you know that she’s the type to try to push through stuff because she thinks it’s what’s expected. Maybe email her and say that she’s welcome to take an extra day or two to recover, but she’s of course welcome to work from home today and come back tomorrow. And then when she comes back, read her body language–I wouldn’t acknowledge it unless she does.

    5. For reference, I only took one day out of the office when I experienced this. I knew it was coming (had been diagnosed a week earlier) and I worked up until the actual event, which occurred in the early morning hours. I saw my doctor in the morning, stayed home the rest of the day, but was back at work the next. For me, dwelling on it would have been way worse. If it was so early that she didn’t she didn’t know she was pregnant, it’s likely to be emotionally troubling, but not that physically painful.

    6. Do Google what not to say. There are things that are well-meant, but can really hurt.

      Make it clear to her that she can take as much time as she needs, when she needs it. There might be follow-up doctor’s visits, or she may need a day or two in a couple of weeks just to sit at home and deal with the emotions.

      As a manager, I had two employees who had miscarriages. One was adamant that she did not want anyone else in the office to know about it–she was not ready to deal with the sympathy that would come, or the prying questions from the office busybodies. Do respect your admin’s wishes on things like this.

      And if someone pressures you to tell why the admin was out, my standard reply is, “I’m respecting *her* privacy, the same way I would respect *yours*.

  9. Self evaluation question:

    I had a rough first part of the year. In the middle of the year, my entire department was dissolved and we were reassigned to a new department with new managers. How much do I own up to the rough part of the year? My current manager may or may not be aware of the situation, and my previous manager may or may not be part of the evaluation.

    The rough part of the year resulted in an official write up but I’ve turned myself around completely. Part was truly my fault, and part was being assigned truly crappy projects with extremely hard to work with partners, who EVERYONE has problems with. I was a scape goat to a certain extent, though like I said, I’m willing to take blame for my part.

    1. Zero. You do not mention it. If it comes up from someone else, then take responsibility for your part. Until then zip it!

  10. Any good resources for learning how to “manage up” a variety of personalities? I recently started a new job, and with it came a host of eccentric managerial personalities. I’m hoping to find a resource that will help me quickly identify my supervisors’ managerial styles and give me general tools to work with them (I’m sure I’d get there eventually just by observing them, but there’s some volatility in the workplace I’m moving into, so I’d like to speed up that process if possible). I’m planning to spend some quality time with the ask a manager archives this week, but was hoping for a more general resource, maybe in a book? TIA!

    1. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it sounds like you may be in for a losing battle. “Managing up” is a crock. No matter what you do, “managing up” is not going to solve the issues unless you just take over management of the project yourself, which presents a whole other set of problems. I work in a similar environment with many project directors, all of whom are terrible managers with eccentric personalities because those are the type of people who are drawn to our business. After years of attempting to “manage up,” my final solution was to choose the least awful managers and solicit enough work from them that I’m busy enough not to have to work for any of the true crazies, and to build up my own portfolio so that now I am truly the manager some of the time.

    2. I’ve not read it yet but was recommended The 360 Degree Leader by John Maxwell. I think managing up works to a certain extent. For instance, my supervisor is an email/IM guy but sometimes I have to talk through my issues so I’ve found that IMing him to ask if he has a few minutes yields me much better results than showing up at his door. I don’t know if that’s technically managing up but learning how to get what you need out of your coworkers at all levels is obviously time well spent.

  11. I’ve noticed an uptick in one (or more) trolls on this site that post a reply to almost every post along the lines of “What? How could you possibly do/think/say/be that? That is completely out of line and you are a b!tch/idiot/bigot for it.” (See some of the Anonymous shower comments above.)

    Do you all think it’s one troll? Or is it just the new culture of this site?

    I think it changes the tone of the conversation because Anon comments are automatically now taken to be combative when they aren’t always. Gentle criticism that follows this Anon troll is colored by it.

    1. Honestly it sounds like you don’t know what trolls are. I don’t think comments like that are trolling at all. I think some of the things that this site thinks are acceptable relating to weddings and how they treat other people are kind of shocking. And there have been plenty of times that people have shown thy are kind of bigots or at least have big biases.

      1. Right. There’s a difference between having opinions you disagree with and trolling.

      2. I do think people on this site (and, hell, people in general) need to learn to be a little more open-minded and tolerant of other people. There are so many different cultures and ways of life in this world, there’s no need to be rude just because an idea seems foreign to you.

      3. I agree. There are definitely trolls on this s!te but today’s comments are fairly normal for a s!te that seems to attract people who can’t comprehend that what is normal/acceptable varies based on geography, education, socio-economic factors, and a person’s past experiences. I’m not sure if people are becoming more close-minded or just more vocal…

      4. I agree that most of the comments are not trolling – they’re people expressing an opinion on the issue. Nicely or not so nicely. That’s fine. But I have noticed that almost every post lately gets what appears to be a form comment along the lines of “What? How could you possibly do/think/say/be that? That is completely out of line and you are a b!tch/idiot/bigot for it.” The comment always begins with a question and almost never expresses the troll’s own views or experience. It just sort of riles up the rest of the commenters (and the OP) and then the discussion goes south from there.

        I could totally be overthinking. But this comment cannot be genuine:

        Anonymous :

        11/17/2015 at 9:36 am

        You get that’s not a nice event though, right? Cookies and brownies and tiny sandwiches? And you want people to fly to you so you can serve that in your home? Come on.

        Whereas people saying “You’re crazy because you’re underestimating the cost of a bridal shower. Juice alone will cost $50” is clearly not trolling even if it could be nicer.

        1. Sure it can. Do you know what it costs for someone to fly across the country and stay in a hotel and take Friday off work to be there for your Saturday event? I will fly for your wedding but I will not fly for a shower of 2 hours of trader joes snack foods in your home. Throw that party but don’t expect people to spend $500+ to attend that (optional) party!

    2. I’ve been on this s1te for years and have definitely noticed an uptick in aggressive and rude comments. I think unwarranted rudeness is a form of trolling so I would agree with you. I thought the same thing reading some of the comments above. People have been saying for years that this s1te has gotten more negative, and I think they’re right.

    3. There seems to be one “Anonymous” who comments frequently and whose “personality” here is particularly rude and condescending. Sort of like the b*tchy character on a reality show. I don’t skip over all the anonymous comments because of that, but I will not engage with that particular “Anonymous.”

      1. I wish this Anonymous would at least have the guts to use a real screen name so we take everything she writes with a huge grain of salt!

        1. I don’t know if it is one Anonymous. It may be several people who just write rude comments. Perhaps it is because there is some sense of anonymity on a blog, which makes people feel like they can write whatever they want without facing the negative consequences.

        2. I wish all the Anons would use a handle. When they start arguing amongst themselves it gets very confusing.

      2. I’ve noted the same Anonymous. Could be one, could be multiple. Those here who know the strength of the community, past and still present, simply do not engage with the antagonistic commentary.

        2. Yeah, I wondered a week or two ago if it was one or more, and was accused of being the OP and oversensitive.

      3. I comment as anonymous because every time I attempt to choose a name, someone else shows up with the same name. I’ve given up trying to choose one, but I’m not her!

        1. Pick anything. Look at something on your desk and pick it, and use it in lieu of Anonymous (if you’re really struggling to find a name).

          1. (not the Anon above)

            This made me laugh, because when I first glanced at my desk/corkboard to get an idea, the first thing I saw was my conference call account card and the giant bold “Conference Calling for PROFESSIONALS” tagline. Haha–I feel like using that, complete with Ellen caps, could come off a little sn@rky if I’m responding to a post about conference call etiquette!

          3. the problem is that the name you choose no longer stays, so you have to type it in each time, which is difficult to remember to do all the time

  12. I’m on the hunt for a black sheath dress, hopefully with unique neckline & 3/4 or elbow sleeves. Anyone seen any fitting this bill?

        1. Check J. Crew too. Sooooo . . . it is looking like I really need to check out mm lafleur.

  13. Does anyone else feel weirded out by “wellness” programs at work? I eat pretty well in general, I’m active 3-5 times a week, and because I’m so active I make a point of eating healthy to fuel myself for that exercise. I also drink plenty of water and most of my food is homemade. I get that some people need help with their well-being, but it feels a little condescending when my employer tells me to eat vegetables and exercise.

    1. Often a company will get a discount on health insurance for offering these programs or for every employee who participates.

      1. This. And to be fair, they really aren’t directed so much at you, OP, who does work out, eat well, etc. They are directed at the employees who could use some help – those that are too sedentary, that smoke, that are overweight. The idea is not really related to the employer, as much as it is the insurance and cost. It’s the only way (so far) to really “rate” people in a group plan or charge people more for unhealthy habits.

    2. My company actually pays (in giftcards) for people to do this. So, yes – I will click through the presentation on working out and healthy eating to get the points in order to get the gift cards. Might pick up something I didn’t know before.

      The key is that it is opt-in, not a requirement, and is not shoved down anyone’s throat.

      1. I wouldn’t mind this. My company is letting people enter daily raffles in exchange for doing healthy things like eat yogurt or get an eye exam, but there’s no reward everyone gets just for participating.

      2. We get wellness rewards points that convert into gift cards. I got $200 in Amazon gift cards from this program. We also get a 20% discount on our premium if we meet certain requirements/goals. If that means they tell me to eat vegetables, so be it!!

    3. I think a lot of it depends on how it is done. My company offers several programs (healthy punch cards in the lunch room, on site fitness facilities, low cost exercise classes, a voluntary program for weight loss, etc.), but they are just put out there (posted on internal website along with other various other programs/announcements/information and occasional emails) but aren’t super in-your-face and I don’t feel any particular pressure to participate. I appreciate having the option, but don’t feel condescended by them, mostly due to the very voluntary nature of them. If there was pressure to participate I would definitely be annoyed.

    4. I *am* too sedentary and also hate them. Gee, if I hadn’t received an email blast encouraging me to walk at lunch, I’d have never thought I should exercise more! Also, it’s not like corporate culture really backs it up — if the message was instead “we discourage scheduling meetings between 12-1pm to make sure everyone has a chance to stretch and get fresh air with their lunch”, THAT I would support.

      1. It might also be great if employers found ways to encourage alternative physical activities. Running and/or going to the gym sounds boring to a lot of people, and if an activity doesn’t sound appealing to someone, they’re sure as heck not gonna carve out time for it! But what if they gave out vouchers for stuff like dance classes or rock climbing gyms? Or kayaking, when/where that’s feasible. Or what if, in an effort to allow people to actually fit fitness into their schedules, had one week per month where everyone was allowed to either leave a couple hours early, come in a couple hours late, or take an extra long “lunch” break in the middle of the day.

      2. Totally agree re:corporate culture. My visit to the wellness nurse on wellness day at my office was comical… Her advice was to “exercise more and reduce stress”. Tell that to the partner who expects us to bill 65-70 hours a week.

    5. My former Big Law firm had weekly lunchtime yoga as part of our “wellness program.” That. was. awesome. And while I agree telling people to eat better and exercise more is a bit condescending, if they’re going to give me cash for it (or even the opportunity to win money), I’m all in.

      1. Agree, I’d love it if we had the opportunity to win cash, or at a minimum a credit toward office visit or prescription copays when I do actually use my insurance because our copays are so high.

  14. I’m applying to business school and need advice on a situation regarding asking for recommendations. I asked my top two choices, and one of them is out of town for work and won’t be back until right before thanksgiving. It’s likely that it’ll be December before she can respond to me, and that would give her a month to actually write it if she says she can do it. The other person is very pregnant and isn’t sure yet if she will be able to write it given all she has going on. Since I might need up to two different recommenders but I’m not sure yet, is there an appropriate way of asking my 3rd choice to do it as a backup (since the other two have worked more closely with me and know me better, but I won’t know for a little bit if they’ll be able)? I can only submit two letters, and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with letters I may not use. But I also don’t want to not have good letters or not get them in on time. AND I don’t want to insult someone by telling him he’s the backup option, but I think it’s polite to give him some advanced notice if possible. What’s the way forward here?

    1. When I applied to Grad School, recommendation letters had to be directly sent to the school. We were not allowed to submit them. So are you sure that you’d be able to choose which ones get sent?

      1. No I won’t be able to choose. This is why the backup person has to know he’s the backup person. I’d like to be able to say Hey, I’m applying to business school, 2 recommenders who know me best are kind of question marks for the time being, I’d like to ask you if they’re not able, but I won’t know for the next week, maybe two at most. Here’s the timeline, is that something you could be willing to do? But obviously said in a more elegant way.

        1. But will the school penalize you for receiving three letters for you instead of two? If not, then I don’ t see a reason why you need to tell the backup that they’re a backup. Also, you may want to just assume that the pregnant lady won’t be able to do it; it sounds like she’s letting you down easy. So ask the third person, don’t tell them that they’re a backup, and tell the pregnant lady not to worry and that you’re really grateful she would consider doing it given how busy she is right now.

          I’m a terrible person, but if someone came to me and asked for a recommendation and told me that I’m the “backup” in case the original two didn’t work out, I wouldn’t feel great about it. Nobody likes to be on the B squad, especially when you’re asking a favor.

    2. What about using Interfolio? That way the letters are confidential, and you can have all three uploaded to your dossier (without telling #3 he’s #3).

    3. I know you’re not going to believe me, but b-schools are a lot less rigid on their requirements than their websites make them seem. Here, the best solution is to have the third recommender write a rec on letterhead or just using a Word version (that you create) of the school’s rec forms and have them send it directly to the schools in question. Provide SASE to make it easy for the recommender. Then, if things don’t “go complete” electronically because one of your first two recommenders flakes, the school will still have this.

      However, that said, I would seriously reconsider your ranking of your choices versus how good a letter these people have stated that they could write, given their time constraints. A strong rec letter which points out qualities that are not elsewhere evident in your application package (e.g. one that is slightly tilted toward espousing a particular quality you want to highlight to the AdComm) is much more useful than a dashed off general recommendation from someone who really doesn’t have time. Consider thinking outside the box and elevating your “third” recommender to replace one of your top two. Also consider whether another person you work with who was not your official supervisor could write a good letter for you. All recs will be positive, but a really good rec can tip the balance.

      And if you’re applying to Tuck, feel free to page me in comments elsewhere I and I will try to help as much as I can. Good luck!

  15. Hive,

    I posted some time ago about being worried about my hours (west coast young attorney). I left that meeting feeling better; it was something they noticed and wanted to work on. My hours started to improve, but apparently I only got a month because at my review last week I learned that if they are not significantly improved (though no idea what that actual number is) over the next six weeks with two holidays in between, I will be laid off next year. I will do my best but now I’m really terrified and wondering how on earth I’m going to get another job. Don’t know what I’m asking for, just terrified and anxious and can’t tell anyone.

    1. Start looking at other opportunities. If there are things you can do to improve your hours (better timekeeping, being more thorough), then do that and absorb the good habits. Why aren’t you getting more hours? The firm doesn’t have enough work ? People have work but aren’t giving it to you? Either way, this is a sign that your future is possibly limited. I’m sorry.

    2. This is probably the firm’s way of telling you that you’re going to be fired, regardless of your hours. So they’re giving you the chance to start looking for another job. I would focus your efforts on that, not on building your hours.

      2. +1. This is a long notice period, not an opportunity to improve. I’d forget about your hours and put all your focus into job-searching.

        1. Did you find a job in the interim or were you out for a while? I’m so scared I won’t be able to find anything.

          1. This happened to me too. I was also terrified, and really down because I am not used to not doing well (I’ve always been an overachieving chick!), but I ended up finding something that was a much better fit, and I’ve been happy and acclaimed at the new (much more prestigious and better-paying) firm for 11 years now. All this is to say that this doesn’t mean you’re not a good lawyer. For me, the firm that didn’t like me just wasn’t a good personality fit for me. At the time it was really demoralizing, but being pushed out of that firm was the best thing for my career because I found my wheelhouse at the next place. You’ll land on your feet. Good luck!

          2. This happened to me too (I am the poster at 2:28 below) and I had already been looking for a month when I got the news because I didn’t like the job. I was still terrified because I had always been a top-of-the-class overachiever that got perfect reviews, plus I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. I found something within 6 weeks that was SO. MUCH. BETTER. in every way (I cried while driving home from orientation because I couldn’t believe how much better it was). I was told my a lawyer friend at another firm in town, after the fact, that a lot of firms don’t like to fire people for various reasons, so they use this tactic instead. Which means there is a good chance that they will be patient with you while you look for something new.

          3. Anon, if you are still reading: I’m glad to hear this. My concern is trying to find something with the holidays intervening. It’s easier to find a job when you already have one and I don’t know how long I’ll be allowed to stay once I’ve been formally laid off, so I’m trying to find one before January, which is what terrifies me.

      4. My firm was a little more blunt, but +1 to what everyone said. It ended up being the BEST thing that has happened to me professionally. Start looking.

    3. I’m sorry. At my firm, this is just their way of giving notice that you are going to be fired. I don’t know of anyone who recovered from one of those meetings (although it is possible, since I obviously only know about the ones the associate in the meeting tells me about). If a co-worker in my office came to me with this story, I would say (1) that sucks, I’m sorry, (2) they are going to fire you at the next meeting regardless of what happens with your hours, and (3) don’t worry about improving your hours, focus on getting a new job.

      Having said that, it is all very firm/office dependent. Maybe they are really only concerned about your hours? What are your hours like? Are they very different from the hours of other associates in your office/practice group? Are there any more senior associates that you trust that you could ask? If this is happening to you, I’m sure it has happened to numerous people before and the people with longevity can tell you what it really means at your office.

    4. I am sorry that this happened to you. My advice is not to strive to make hours there. It’s what the other posters have said. This firm has already decided that they don’t want to keep you, and they are giving you a “soft exit” to find other opportunities.

      I am sorry if this is harsh, but I want you to hear it so that you can find a job where you are valued and respected. You need to attack your jobsearch and stop wondering, “If only I do X, they will keep me.” They likely will not keep you. If you plan for this now, you will be in a much better place than if your hours don’t materialize in the next few weeks. It is unlikely that Partners will start magically feeding you tons of hours in the next six weeks, especially if you are on their “maybe” list. You need to find somewhere else, ASAP.

      Talk to your law school career office. Connect with classmates and former colleagues on LinkedIn. Meet people for coffee. Go to ABA or local bar events. Put out the word to EVERYONE you know that you’re looking. Don’t be bashful. You can do this. This is a setback in some ways, because it’s not completely your choice, but it’s really an opportunity to find somewhere that you can blossom and be valued and not have to hunt for hours. YOU GOT THIS, GIRL!

      1. Thank you so much for the cheerleading. I had thought the same and already began reaching out for new things. Thank you all, though.

    5. Not sure if you are still reading, but I had a similar thing happen to me a few years ago (and 6 weeks warning, right up against the holidays at that), and I was able to meet a lot of people during those 6 weeks, interviewed at 3 places, and was able to land a job that I started at the beginning of the following year. I just went through my contacts and tried to schedule 2 meetings a day (usu. a coffee and a lunch) with everyone I knew, and everyone they knew. My resume went everywhere. I would caution you to keep an open mind and not be too picky about where you land – I ended up taking a pay cut and taking a cut in prestige but it ended up for the best. I know a couple of people who would only take a job for a minimum of $X or only if it was in-house, etc. etc. who have been job-searching for close to a year. Unless you have the means (and patience) to be that picky, I think it would be better to be employed somewhere than not employed.

      1. Still reading! And thank you. Good to hear you were in the same time frame and found something. I’ve been feeling for months it wasn’t the right fit – just wanted a move to be on my terms, of course. I’m nervous about not finding something before I am laid off and will be stigmatized to future employers. To that end, in looking, should I tell friends/contacts about the hours concern (the impetus for the search NOW) or focus on that I really do want to find a place that is the right fit?

        1. Focus on wanting a better fit. Also, consider asking trusted partners/ senior associates at your firm for help with the search.

      2. This happened to a friend of mine, and I second the advice to start looking. What my friend did, and I think this was smart, was convince the firm to give her twice as long a notice/separation/severance period, at half pay. It ended up being the same expense for the firm, they got her still working there (though the value of that, if they’re firing her?), but she got the advantage of finding a job while she had a job (and also some invaluable immigration benefits). I know this reply is late, but it’s a strategy worth considering, so I hope you see this post!

  16. Annoyed by yesterday’s poster about children on planes.

    PSA: it is not OK to hate kids, any more than it is OK to hate old people. It’s ageism. Children are human beings.

    I know the first defense of this position is usually along the lines of – kids don’t have manners, my parents raised me perfectly. The same people are probably also in therapy complaining about their crappy childhoods.

    1. I’m annoyed by kids. I am not rude to them IRL nor would I be rude to their parents, but i haaaatteee having to interact with them and it makes things very unpleasant.

      1. Ask yourself if you would be comfortable saying that in a room full of people if you substituted “old people” for “kids.”

        1. I am a little confused by this comparison. Are the “old people” kicking your seat for the entire flight and spilling/dropping things on you?

          1. Not old people specifically, but yes, adults in general are the ones taking up half of my seat, pushing and pulling on the back of my seat, giving off terrible smells, and spilling stuff on me. Not so much the kids, because their poor parents are so worried about them bothering someone.

          2. When I’ve had a negative interaction with a kid on an airplane, or in general, it’s usually because the parents AREN’T doing something about it. I’m not bothered if a kid kicks my seat or bumps in to me one time and the parent pulls them away and apologizes. When it happens continuously and the parents just roll their eyes…

          3. Ahahaha, good point business traveler. At least kids are with a parent who can, in theory, tell them off if they’re being rude. Adults are much less likely to have someone reminding them to be nice.

          4. I absolutely agree with business traveler that adults are generally more annoying than kids on flights. I just don’t get the kids==old people idea.

          5. No, old people are’t known for kicking your seat or spilling things on you. But they do take forever to walk down the aisle and get their bags out of the overhead bin and (old men especially) get up multiple times an hour to pee. I missed a connection once because they had to get someone in a wheelchair off the plane first and it took forever. Doesn’t mean that I would announce that I “hate having to interact with” old or disabled people.

            OP, if you never want to fly with kids, there’s a solution for you. It’s called private.

      2. +1. It is okay to not like every single human you come in contact with.

        I also think it is pretty clear that there is a pretty big difference between how kids were raised 20 years ago and how they are raised now.

    2. I don’t think all the comments came from hate for kids. I appreciated that OP asked for advice on the best way to travel with kids and think most parents do try to minimize the disruption. That being said, I’ve been on too many flights with misbehaving kids where the parents did nothing to try to manage their kids. E.g. I had the misfortune of sitting in front of a toddler who kept kicking my seat. When I turned around the mom said “boys will be boys.” Certainly toddlers don’t always listen but parents need to at least try.

      1. I agree with this whole heartedly. There is a difference between parents (like the OP yesterday) who make an effort to manage their kids’ behaviors and minimize disruption and sometimes aren’t successful (because kid are unpredictable) and those who just make no effort. I commented about how obnoxious having your seat kicked was (much more so than a kid who is crying or screaming) because I was recently on a flight (and traveling with my own 2-year-old) during which parents let their toddler kick my seat for 45 minutes with zero effort to get him to stop or mitigate it. I get you can’t control kids behavior, but you can sure make an effort to discipline, redirect, or even acknowledge that your child is impacting other people.

          1. Totally agree. Every single effort that the parent makes to calm the child down might fail, but as long as they keep trying, I’m cool. A child can’t always control him/herself, but the adult failing to attempt to mitigate is where I’m going to get pissed off.

        2. I think this is funny. You would think from reading this thread that every single toddler kicks every seat in front of him/her. I’ve had it happen maybe twice in 20 years of corporate and personal travel. Does it happen, sure. Does it happen every single flight to every adult in front of a toddler? No.

          1. +1. I travel frequently, and it is MUCH more common for me to suddenly hear chattering children or a cranky baby while we’re all waiting to deplane and think “wow, there were kids on this flight”.

          2. Same experience. I’ve had my seat kicked far more by teenagers, or yanked on by people who use the seatback to pull themselves up. Adult men hog the arm rests, and adult women drape their coat and scarf over the lap of everyone in the row–not always of course, or even over 50% of the time, but at least more often than I’ve been near a rambunctious kid. And for perspective, this is coming from someone who doesn’t particularly like kids that aren’t family.

      2. I try asking the child nicely once, to allow the parent to engage. When it becomes clear to me the parent DOES NOT GIVE A TOOT, I give the kid the scariest “don’t f with me kid because I’m CRAZY” look, which, even 3 year olds understand (I swear, it must be a evolutionary thing). Just because the parent puts up with bad behavior doesn’t mean this former teacher will.

    3. I also dislike kids. I’m always polite to them and their parents in person, and I don’t air my annoyance by them on this or any other forum. But there’s really nothing wrong with being irritated by some people. That’s true for everyone; there are just certain people that socially it’s not acceptable to be annoyed by. Children fit into this category. And no, I would not say this out loud anywhere.

    4. I don’t think the people who complain about kids on airplanes actually fly on airplanes. I fly a lot and kids are virtually never a problem. Babies don’t usually cry, and even when they do it’s not as loud as the engine noise. 99% of the time, if a kid shrieks or kicks the back of the seat, the parent is mortified and puts a stop to it instantaneously. It is almost always the adults on the plane who are poorly behaved, especially the pushy ones, the smelly ones, and the ones who stick their elbows into other people’s seats.

      1. Oh, I don’t know. I love kids and don’t have any issues with them being on airplanes – nor do I blame them or their parents when they’re disruptive because I understand it’s a weird situation and they’re young. But I have been on a number of flights where a baby screamed the whole way (again, I understand why! no judgment!) or a little kid kicked my seat the whole way (ditto!). Even without assignment of blame, it can be one of those things that makes air travel unpleasant.

      2. Or they do fly, but only during holiday travel season where there are, naturally, a lot of families with kids traveling.

      3. You are a lucky lucky person. Or you’re only flying in business. most babies stop crying. Some simply do not. I always carry earplugs on planes, and special headphones.

    5. “kids don’t have manners, my parents raised me perfectly.”

      Horrid logic, in my opinion. Kids are kids, and most normal people acted up when they were kids, before growing into the healthy, well-adjusted, respectful, considerate, law abiding, well educated, well dressed and well organized adults they are today. I agree that some parents are awful at teaching their kids how to behave in public, and when it comes to travel some parents need to learn how to keep their kids occupied with a quiet activity, but most kids really aren’t that bad even when they’re making noise or asking for candy.

      I’m sometimes annoyed by children, I’ll admit. I’m annoyed when they cry in restaurants or on public transit, but the only time really I speak up is if someone brings their youngins’ on the quiet car on Amtrak (I sit there for a reason, g-darnit!). It also ruffles my feathers when people bring disruptive kids to a fancy restaurant, but I also feel bad for the kids, who can’t possibly be happy with these dinner plans. Most of the time, I just go about my business, accepting that kids exist, and someday I’ll be in the same position as those parents.

    6. I just want to say that, while I started that line in the thread, I disagree with the child haters and overall vitriol that was expressed after my post.

      In my experience, I’ve found that most toddlers kick the seat in front of them. It’s not because toddlers are awful, but because of their size in relation to the spacing of the seats: Their little legs are too short to hang down, and they stick out awfully close to the seat back in front of them. Any moving around becomes a seat kick. It’s not intentional.

  17. I need to go to Texas to meet with a client who is in the DFW area. I can work out of company offices in either Dallas or Ft. Worth (with a hotel hopefully nearby) for a few days. I get to pick. Thoughts? Strong opinions?

    1. It depends on where your offices are in each city. If you’re in the Arts District/Uptown area of Dallas, that’s a good place to be with a lot of great food/sights.

    2. I live in Dallas, and while it’s a decent place to live, I’d vote Fort Worth for a visit. Downtown/Uptown Dallas is pretty LA-wannabe basic, and anything in the other major office centers (North Dallas or Stemmons corridor) is just sort of generic suburbia. The fun areas of Dallas like Oak Cliff and Greenville are less likely to be close to where your offices/hotel would be.

      Downtown Fort Worth at least has its own vibe that isn’t generic-big-city.

    4. I think Fort Worth is both more fun and easier to get around, but I’ve only spent a handful of days in each city in a few different trips.

    5. DFW native here. I would choose Ft. Worth in a heartbeat based on the options for dining, nightlife, and general enjoyment nearby. Downtown is totally walkable and the complete opposite of Dallas in that regard. In Dallas you’d better have a car and be prepared to deal with some parking hassles.

  18. My bridal party consists of my two brothers. As my shower/bachelorette party, we’re going to get dinner and see Star Wars.

    Question: can I ask them to buy me popcorn AND twizzlers, or is that spoiled bridezilla behavior?

  19. My bridal party consists of my two brothers. As my shower/bachelor***e party, we’re going to get dinner and see Star Wars.

    Question: can I ask them to buy me popcorn AND twizzlers, or is that spoiled bridezilla behavior?

    1. Spoiled if you add on the $10 vat of soda. Otherwise OK. BUT you could just eat all of their popcorn b/c they assumed the liablity for bride expenses and lifestyle leading up to the wedding.

    2. I’m confused. You didn’t mention if you’re going in a party bus (that they are paying for) or if you’re doing one of those kegs on a community-cycled vehicles I see in my city or an x-wing fighter. Also: who is doing your hair? I’m assuming that those Princess Leia hair buns don’t make themselves.

      THEY SHOULD BE PAYING FOR ALL OF THAT.

    3. That’s inexpensive and I’m willing to bet that men are a lot more laid back about social expectations surrounding weddings.

    4. You can get both, but don’t brag about it or you’re being classist. Not everyone grew up going to movies – some of us had to wait and go to Blockbuster.

    5. I think since there are two brothers, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask one to buy popcorn and the other to buy Twizzlers. You can sneak in a soda in your purse… ;)

      1. If you do sneak in a soda, please drink it out of a paper cup and not out of the bottle because that is SO unprofessional.

        1. No no no, you’ve got to bring your own highball glass. Overachieving women do not drink out of paper or plastic.

    6. I don’t blame you for wanting both, I like to balance my salty snacks with sweet ones too! But I’d ask for a small popcorn and twizzlers.

    7. You shouldn’t have to ask. They should just *know.* If you are concerned that they do not understand the full weight of their bridal party obligations, consider passive aggressively sending a lifestyle trend piece to them and put in the subject line “just thought this might help you plan!!!! :D.”

    8. I just snorted at my desk.

      Also, I want to come to your party. I will buy your Twizzlers.

    10. If they don’t buy you both, they probably don’t care about you because really caring about someone includes spending copious amounts of money they can’t really afford to spend. Also don’t you dare offer them juice at the movies or you might be one of the worst human beings.

    11. Totally reasonable, especially if they have to fly across the country for the movie.

  20. Just started at a new biglaw job and at this firm there are desktops – planning to work a lot from home in the evenings. Recommendations on computer? Desktop or laptop at home? You can get loaner laptops for travel.

    1. I’m about 2 months into a job where I can work from home in the evenings and on weekends. I have a desktop at home, but I’ve discovered that my desk and chair are just not that comfortable. Ideally I’d like to get a laptop so I can work on the couch. I haven’t bought one yet though because our entire tech eco-system is Apple and I don’t want to spend that kind of money on a laptop right now. I’ll probably try to get a better desk chair and a stand to raise my monitor a bit so I’ll be more comfortable.

      If your desk/chair are comfortable enough and in a good area for you, a desktop might be fine. It’s nice to have the bigger screen. But if you anticipate wanting to move around depending on how you feel that day, I’d recommend a laptop.

      1. if your monitor is big enough you might consider getting a wireless keyboard and mouse (I use a roller ball mouse so the mouse does not need to move around) and then you can sit comfortably to view the monitor but not be tied to the desk setup.

    2. I work from home most of the time, and I prefer a desktop with a super huge monitor (or 2 monitors), so I can compare 2 documents side-by-side. I find this particularly important when working remotely because everything I’m looking at is on a computer screen (I print out as little as possible). Since I’m used to this setup, my much smaller laptop screen drives me nuts when traveling. I do a lot of writing though, so YMMV.

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