Coffee Break: Footless Tights

107 Comments

1. I honestly do not understand the point of these. What is the situation where you would not be wearing leggings but would be wearing these? Whenever I have tights on (vs leggings), it’s because my lower leg and foot are going to be visible and need coverage. Or I guess rather…what’s the situation that is tights-appropriate but where your feet are hidden? Is it boots? Do you wear socks over them? I feel like I’m just missing it.

   1. SAME! I would just wear tights if I need tights.

   2. The situation for wearing these is that it’s a bit chilly on Halloween for your aerobics instructor costume.

   3. I don’t get this look. It’s either “kindergartener with leggings under a dress” or “I am on my way home from ballet class with my tights rolled up.”

   4. I’m tall and disproportionately long of leg. I used to wear stirrup tights way back when (under boots of course) because I couldn’t find long enough tights and too-short tights sagged at the cr*tch, which is so uncomfortable.

      But since then more brands have risen to the challenge of long-enough tights. As long as I stick with two brands that make them long enough, I’m good.

      All that said, post-pandemic, tights of all varieties can bite me.

      1. I am in an office today and rediscovered that tights are, shockingly, tight. I am not loving this whole return to work clothes situation and really need to spend some time investing in more dressy flats as my 2 pairs are going to be beaten up shortly at this rate.

   5. Maybe if the toe seams on tights really bug you, you could wear footless tights with boots and socks? That’s all I can come up with.

      1. This is me. If I am also wearing socks (i.e., with boots), I prefer footless. If I am wearing with shoes or my one pair of boots too snug for socks, then footed tights.

         1. Me too. Also I use toe spacers for my bunions (sigh) and they’re easier to reposition with socks than with tights.

   6. For me, the use case is for boots in the winter. I commuted into an office (MA, pre-covid) in the winter wearing tights and socks over them, with boots. I find tights easier to wrangle in the winter than pants (washable for the inevitably salt/slush stains) and my winter coats cover below my knees and boots come up to my knees. However, my toes freeze if I don’t wear socks too and tights + socks always leads to weird seam twisting issues. According to the reviews this also seems to be how most of the people buying them wear them.

      1. This is how I’ve used footless tights in the past as well. Warm socks and knee high boots in the winter, under dresses.

      2. +1 to this. Also, used fleece footless tights as long underwear during the winter under tight fitting jeans.

   7. I wear these in the winter and it’s so I can wear socks and boots. Socks over footed tights is not a good time. I live somewhere incredibly cold and snowy.

   8. In the summer, I’m a fan of casual knit dresses with sneakers for running errands or going to the playground. My winters are mild (like 50s-60s), so I can still wear knit dresses with a light jacket, but I need something on my legs. I think tights look really weird with sneakers, and am a fan of footless tights for this use.

      1. I live in a similar climate, but I guess that’s when I wear leggings?

   9. I like them because a) I’m tall and regular tights never fit; and b) I can wear wool socks with boots and no one’s the wiser.

   10. When you are uncomfortable wearing tights and want to wear leggings, but still have it look like tights. And then you’re wearing boots so no one can tell

   11. The photo and styling for these are ridiculous. I get that the idea is to show just the tights, but heels make the whole thing silly.

       As for actual use – with woolen socks, in boots, for minus degrees. But preferably merino/silk.

   12. What I’m actually looking for is a possibly-magical, fleece or otherwise winter-weight THIGH HIGH stocking (or maybe they’re still called tights at that point). I have long, athletic legs, so what’s thigh-high on others is horribly compressive and knee-high on me. I also have fibroids and just can’t anymore with restrictive waistbands, even those masquerading as able to fit waist sizes 25-49 or whatever.

       So fad my searches haven’t found all of this together. Should I just try maternity wear even if it’s a full legging? Or give up? ;)

   13. I’m late to this discussion due to last minute work, but I have never quite figured out the difference between “tights” and “leggings.” I know the British refer to pantyhose as tights, and I do have some dark pantyhose type tights, heavier than pantyhose but definitely lighter than the “tights” I wear running. When do running weight tights become leggings? are Athleta styled tights really leggings?

       Re-reading this makes it sound a bit ridiculous, but this is a serious question.

   14. Some people like seeing sandals, toes/feet? I dunno, ask Quentin Tarantino.

   15. They are beautiful, and if I had a tuchus like the model, I would wear these EVERYWHERE, and men would respect me because I would be a combination of brain and beauty. I do not like to be objectified by men, and now that I am older, I am working hard to have men respect me for my mind.

2. Anyone have serious doctor anxiety? If so how do you deal? Like I’ve been nervous about a physical scheduled for tomorrow since last week, and I know at the office my heart rate will be through the roof. And then I have to “explain” that which makes it worse because most doctors look at you like you’re crazy. I tend to do better if the dr. is personable, kind and non alarmist – as in let’s keep an eye on this etc. as opposed to “blaming me” or OMG we need to do this ASAP when really it’s something that can be done a week or month later. I’ve had one series of bad doctor experiences with the last one I saw 3-4 years ago- with her blaming me/accusing me as I am underweight. The dr I’m seeing tomorrow has good reviews but honestly so did the last one, so IDK how much that means; and the advice of ask people you know for recommendations has never worked – don’t have many friends in the immediate area; it’s hard to get in with drs. because no one ever takes new patients so your friend’s perfect dr rec may not matter anyway.

   How do you manage this?? I’m 40 and honestly I’m shocked that I even go to doctors every few years given how I feel about it. Like I 100% understand why guys will be like yeah I last saw a doctor 20 years ago, never had blood work etc. Strangely I come from a family that’s always been gung ho about doctors and still is – like constantly going for physicals, doing every last recommended thing etc AND never seemed stressed about it.

   1. I’ve commented before that I get really sweaty when I go to the doctor and inevitably stick to/sweat through the paper gown etc. My body does other weird things at the doctor too. However, I remind myself that doctors see people all day long and surely I’m not the only person drenched in sweat. Same for you – you’re one of many people who are nervous and who show it through high blood pressure. I’m sure doctors see it allll the time.

      1. That’s because the doctors office is super warm! The same thing happens to me and I am not remotely anxious at the doctor.

         1. No! It’s always freezing. You would be correct in guessing that anxiety makes me cold.

   2. I tell the doctor that I have white coat anxiety, and if it’s a good doctor, that changes their bedside manner. They see lots of people nervous about going to the doctor, so don’t worry that you’re weird or the only one. Just be straightforward about it and honest. They’ve dealt with it before.

      1. Yes, this!

   3. As someone related to doctors I always tell people – at the end of the day, doctors are people, not gods. People, in my opinion, tend to have difficultly seeing them that way, and understandably, as many folks are relying of them for help in very sensitive circumstances. But, not all of them are good at the human side of doctoring. If they are unkind, makes you uncomfortable, are resistant to you asking questions, etc., it is them not being good at their job, and it is not a you problem – it’s a them problem. Second opinions are always fine! Maybe going into your appointment with that mindset will help – you know that you have anxiety around seeing doctors, but also that if things don’t go perfectly it’s no fault of yours. Have high standards but low expectations. Good luck!

      1. They have an insane amount of power over us though. A really nice, kind doctor filled my chart with insinuations about me and kept subsequent doctors from taking me seriously for years. I’ll always be anxious at the doctor’s after experiencing the kind of power they have over whether I can access treatment.

   4. Just say “I’m pretty nervous.” Acknowledge it and it will feel more natural. Also, talk to your doctor about anxiety and whether you would benefit from treatment.

   5. I hear you 100% but just wanted to say that it’s really good that you still go. And no, guys who go to the dr once in 20 years aren’t better off AT ALL. Depending on what time the appointment is – I’d treat myself to a fancy coffee/donut; lunch; or dinner on the way home, even if you leave worried or have to do follow-ups, just because you did this one appointment.

   6. Agree with the posts above. Acknowledge that you’re nervous – honestly sometimes that does change doctors’ behavior as they are JUST people. AND ask questions including on timing. At a physical there is nothing wrong with saying – I’d like to work on this issue – say being underweight – for a few months by upping my protein and see if that helps, can we discuss this again in January. Rarely will they say no or if they do they’ll have actual medical reasons for it. Doctors are used to people – esp women – doing exactly what’s asked without question so they don’t explain themselves; but you have a right to ask someone to explain why, consider alternatives etc.

   7. “White coat anxiety” is absolutely a phrase you can use, and for many docs this will be enough that they get it (good ones will) and don’t push on it. If blood pressure is a concern, you can ask about doing some at-home monitoring to assess in your normal daily environment. I’ve also straight up told people that getting to know & trust a new provider takes time for me.

      The other thing that has helped me is using telehealth appts to address any new health concerns, instead of needing to raise them in an office visit. This is way more available than in the BeforeTimes (silver lining?), and I feel more comfortable and less rushed in a telehealth appt vs in person. Obviously they can’t do everything in a virtual visit, but it decreases the number of times I have to go in person. For example, last year I still went in for an in-person physical exam, but this year I can just do labwork + a telehealth visit.

   8. I have something kind of like this regarding certain very routine aspects of doctor appointments. I recently started with a new doctor. Sometime before the appointment, I called the receptionist and explained everything in a matter of fact manner. She made sure the doctor knew about everything before the appointment. It made everything so much better to not have to explain myself as much during the appointment.

3. Does anyone here live in (or have informed opinions about) Moorestown, NJ? Considering a move there from Philly. We have a toddler and an infant. TIA!

   1. I’m from South Jersey. Great town. It’s where the wealthy and well educated live in south jersey – so lots of surgeons and cardiologists and UPenn professors. Schools are top notch – I believe it’s the top district in south jersey or if not it’s #2, can’t remember off hand. Lots of new huge houses of the McMansion style but also lots of historic homes near the “main street” of the town – which is a cute downtown. Honestly if I were to live in south jersey, Moorestown (or Haddonfield) is where I’d want to be.

      1. An aside for my love of Gelato Dolceria in Haddonfield. That is all. <3

   2. I knew a few people who live there. It always sounds great. There are some great restaurants nearby and I hear the school system is very good. It’s a very nice suburban town close enough to Philly. I lived in Cherry Hill and Mt Laurel while going to school down there.

   3. Informed opinion from my social circle: quaint colonial, historically quaker town that felt the mcmansion boom in the early 2000s with influx of the rich, good access to metro areas. Top schools in the area for education. Socially and economically upper and upper middle class and very insular (travel sports teams, country clubs, very white very low diversity, very focused on wealth signifiers, school environment lends itself to bullying and cliques).

4. Can anyone comment on whether it’s worth it to have your house staged prior to selling? Our plan is to buy a new house and move in before listing our current house (I don’t want to have to show our current house while living in it with 2 kids and 3 pets, plus a work from home spouse). We’ve been quoted $6k to stage our 3 br house. Worth it?

   1. I think it depends on the market where you are. In our market it’s expected that the house will be staged and I think not doing it would hurt your prospects. I totally get that paying $6k for what may only be a few days of showings seems insane, but it’s a lot better than not staging it and having it linger on the market for weeks or months. (Also that would be a reasonable market price here in So Cal where I am.)

      1. I agree. Although I translate “staged” as “extreme decluttering such that your house resembles an AirBNB owned by an interior designer,” which to me is a good look.

         OTOH, my city is now doing a ton of pocket listings such that the people don’t move out and it’s quietly on the market and I might consider asking your realtor if that might work for you (some people who really want to live in a hot area might want to jump on a house and not bother if they can get something before it hits the market).

         IDK what pocket listing price vs hits the markets and results in a bidding war price would be, but $6K is a lot to me even if it is market and I’d want to be sure what all was involved (move all your stuff in and just bring in 100% rental pieces down to window treatments and rugs and knick-knacks?) before signing up for it.

         1. Around here that multi-thousand dollar price tag would include all the above plus painting, minor repair/remodel jobs, and landscape refresh.

      2. I agree that it depends on your market – would speak with some experiences realtors in your area to get their thoughts.

      3. Is it quite as necessary to stage an empty house, though? I can understand why if the owners were still living in the house it would be a good idea to clear out most of their junk. It seems less important to put furniture in an empty house, especially in a hot market.

         1. You’d be surprised. Empty rooms look smaller, strangely, and tend to look… sad.

         2. We have been hunting for over a year due to a weird combo of circumstances and I find it much easier to visualize living in a house with a bit of furniture than a completely empty one.

         3. i’ve been casually searching and I’ve noticed a lot of “virtually staged” houses listed on redfin in my area (SoCal). That might be an option if you don’t want to shell out the full $6K.

   2. This is going to be really dependent on location and price point. For example, in my low cost of living area, no one is staging anything except the > $1m properties and even then barely.

      I have never sold or bought (or in the process saw) a house that was staged and I am on house number three.

      1. Thanks. The price point is in the $600-700k range. Market is large east coast city (not NYC).

         1. In my East Coast city (not NYC), most of the houses are staged at that price point, and many are staged at half that price range.

         2. In that range and market, I’d expect it to be staged. Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish, there’s a bunch of research that shows staged homes sell for significantly more. It shows buyers the potential your home has. When I had the last place I sold staged, I wanted to pull it off the market and keep it and the furniture.

   3. I see people emptying out their house into a pod and I know that they will soon be putting it on the market. It seems that you can stage a lot by subtracting. If you photograph your house just as it is, look at just the pictures about what looks busy or messy or like there is so much stuffed in a room or closet that it is offputting. Since you are moving anyway, start with removing that stuff. My MIL and parents — OMFG they would need a pro and the $ would be well spent. For a single person, it is harder to justify absent maybe an inability to physically manage cleaning and de-cluttering. With kids and pets, many people leave for a weekend when it first hits the market (and maybe the next week).

      1. +1000 to this — we spent an extra $10K on a move because we had the movers come and store about half of our possessions. Small 2-bedroom apartment that was bursting at the seams with toys and a china hutch and so forth. We packed anything we wouldn’t need in the next 6 months. Made a HUGE difference in staging. Also, fresh flowers, even if you just move them from room to room.

   4. I wouldn’t stage it unless it has a suboptimal layout. The only thing I might do is to remove stuff to put in a pod for a weekend (expecting it to sell over the weekend).

   5. I recently remodeled a house to put on the market. The realtor insisted on staging and I’m glad she did- it’s a smaller house but she showed they staging how you can make a comfortable, and not crowded living dining area, master bedroom and kitchen space. The rest of the rooms got either accent stuff (storage and decor in the bathrooms for example) or nothing. A little can go a long way.
      The houses I’ve seen in mls listings in my area look so much better if they are staged, empty, or shown with minimal current owner furniture and decor. The one exception is a house that had what appeared to be decorated professionally- most of the houses that still have owner items in them do not look like a professional has decorated them in the price range I’ve been looking at.
      If the goal is to help a potential buyer see themselves living in the house you are selling, then at the least you need to rid the house of as many truly personal effects as possible and keep it clutter free. Keep furniture in to show a buyer how they might arrange their big pieces of furniture but don’t overwhelm them with your life in the house.
      This may not apply if your market is still hot and houses are moving in a weekend.

   6. I staged our last house before we sold– we had already moved to a new house and had rented out the old one for a year. We did some repairs, painted basically the whole thing, removed some older/dingy window coverings, and then staged it with a combination of some of our furniture and some new items which I was planning to (mostly) move to the new house to replace some things I wanted to get rid of anyway. Some was from Wayfair/IKEA, some better quality (Article/Joybird, etc.)

      I did not stage the house completely, but I did put furniture on the main level in the dining room (rug/table/chairs), kitchen eat-in area (small table/chairs), living room (couch/tv/ent center/rug), and then upstairs in all 3 bedrooms. However in the bedrooms, I put beds with linens/area rugs only– no dressers — just to show that the rooms were large enough for F/Q beds. Basement was a TV room/wet bar and guest bed/bath, both were completely unstated. I kept things very, very neutral and minimal, no artwork or anything.

      I think the staging was absolutely key to getting an offer (I think it took about a week in a slow-ish pre-pandemic market?) The house was a wide open floorpan on the main level that the staging helped to frame. It’s difficult to say how much we spent on the staging since none was rented, but probably in the $5-6k range, including movers?

   7. I do think staging helps sell a house, unless you are in a market where things are under contract the moment you list, in which case it might not matter.
      Our realtor offered free staging services (out of her high commission, but still, she did all the legwork and fronted the costs) and had a massive storage unit where she had all sorts of things ready to go into homes to list. It’s something that set her apart, so if you don’t have a realtor yet you might include that as you interview. This was in Northern Virginia, 600-800K range.

   8. My sellers agent did very very light staging for me for free as part of her services. She didn’t bring in any big furniture, but did bring in area rugs that helped define the spaces in my empty two bedroom townhouse, some chairs, and accessories (lamps to help light darker areas, etc).

   9. It may be too late for you to read this, but we sold in a hot market in s suburb of Toronto in March.
      We did not pay extra to stage but I did a ruthless clean up, the agent then spent about 2 hours fluffing the house, using some of her own items but they did not amount to more than a Rubbermaid bin. She did stuff a lot of things in closets and drawers to hide lol
      We work from home, have a teenager and a dog. We then moved to a hotel for 6 days, so a cost there.

      The house sold in 5 days, way over asking, we had already bought but moving out was the best thing. There were over 35 visits

5. How do you stay positive about life, the world, etc? When I was a kid I worried constantly about what now in retrospect was the most trivial stuff—mean classmates, no date for the prom, college exam stress. Now I wish I could go back and have such relatively insignificant problems. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as a forty-something. I look old and tired no matter how much sleep I get. The optimism of youth (where will I live?! Who will I marry? Where will I work?) has faded into the reality of middle age. Between climate change, the pandemic, the coup, and Trump, I find it hard to stay hopeful. I know I have it really good compared to most (education, career, health, etc) but that makes me feel even worse. Already in therapy and on meds, FWIW. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and/or if you used to feel this way but somehow got past it. Does it get better with age?

   1. Yes, I feel this way sometimes, and then I go on a news diet. I remind myself that I alone cannot fix it, and it is not my personal responsibility to do so. There is no impact of me taking 2-3 weeks off watching the evening news, reading articles online, and reading others’ news/pandemic/political social media posts.

      The weight of the world IS on all of our shoulders, but it is not on your shoulders alone.

      1. Thank you. That’s a great way to look at it. I do feel better when I immerse myself in other things for awhile, but I feel guilty, like I’m only distracting myself from the inevitable and I’m behaving like an ostrich with its head in the sand… but then i remember something the wise Heather Havrilevsky once said: “You have no moral obligation to ingest horror around the clock. It’s not more honorable to fray your nerves on the globe’s sharp edges.”

         1. Listen to this, which I caught a bit of on Saturday: https://freakonomics.com/podcast/american-culture-negative-media/

   2. So as a kid – yes. Every damn english or science test was SUCH a big deal because I was so hyper focused on my high school class rank, getting into the ivys etc. And then the social stuff too – I’m talking down to – will I have a partner in gym class. I’m the same age as you I think – 41 – and for me it got better as life got more settled AND as I failed spectacularly. So I got into the ivy, the ivy law school, the NYC biglaw job, and then got kicked to the curb at said job when partner time arose; I mean such a small % makes partner that it isn’t that big of a deal but to me it really was my first failure. Cue a few years of depression. And now I honestly don’t care about anything. Career – whatever – someone pays me 200k to do work and I barely do any of it. I do worry about health and my aging parents.

      But I will say I was never someone who worried about the world around me – for better or worse I am selfish like that, so things like Trump, coup, climate change – eh it is what it is, it’s not in my hands to change it. As long as my family is fine, I’m not worrying about that stuff. I do think if you have those worries (which a huge % of my friends do), then it’s harder because it’s another set of problems on top of your/your family’s problems.

      1. I’m not OP but I hear you about failure being liberating. I spent my entire career being paranoid about being laid off. Everyone said I was just being paranoid and had nothing to worry about, but it kept me up at night.

         I finally got laid off from a job I hated, I got a severance, it forced me to pivot and I am now the happiest I’ve ever been in my working life. Once you realize your life is not over if you fail, once you have actually survived failing, it’s so much easier going forward.

         1. I’m the prior poster who didn’t make partner – yep I got laid off to (because after the firm decided no partnership, it also decided it didn’t need to pay me for a year or 2 for me to find something else). So no partnership + 18 months unemployed for the former straight A, ivy league big shot who had to go on networking meetings and admit to all of this. After I got over the depression (and it did take several years) it did wonders for my IDGAF. Like I don’t like my current job but it’s very very secure. I’d like to make a move but it’s not guaranteed that that move works out or lasts, so I could leave a secure job only to be ushered out of an unsecure one. My family hand wrings about this as I say (to myself) – whatever I survived last time; I got a job when everyone was like ooooh a gap on your resume will just end your career; there’s lots of ways to make money; who cares if it doesn’t work out . . . . I haven’t taken the leap yet but I can see myself moving that way in large part because I know I CAN survive – for real – not just all the BS we tell each other about being strong etc.

            1. Did you have the feeling you weren’t living up to your potential or your career was just becoming a waste, and if so how did you let it go? Not trying to suggest you necessarily did feel that way, it’s just how I am feeling lately.

            2. Prior poster here – the potential thing was never an issue for me. I’ve just never thought of things that way or thought of what my potential even is – it was always just the next thing whether ivy league college or partnership. As for career being a waste – I did and still do feel that way. How I got over it – IDK – I feel like I just saw the light that people in both biglaw and my current job LOVE me, give me the best reviews blah blah because they just want to pile work on someone reliable; so in that sense it’s all a waste because I’m not interested in spending my life being the wing beneath someone else’s wings – so they get the credit – whether that’s partners or general counsel or whoever. So it has gone from being a career to just doing enough to make my 200k. It is depressing to think about but that detachment from work has helped significantly in everything from recovering from failure to making decisions/pursuing what I want next etc.

      2. Interesting. My early 30s kind of leveled me. Not career-wise, but a lot of sh!t outside my control went wrong in my personal life, like dealing with infertility. I do feel stronger and more compassionate for having gone through that, and while I don’t worry about THOSE things anymore, it didn’t do much to curb my anxiety-prone personality.

   3. Late 40s. The Earth may be warming but the prognosis during my remaining lifetime is not that bad. My sibling and I don’t have children so don’t have to worry, even in theory, about my great great whatever’s. I am pretty comfortable with suicide as an option if I found myself living under, say, a Nazi Germany-like regime, but I think that it is just a lot of anxiety to suggest that is a likelihood. The pandemic, coup, and Trump.have only brought me closer to friends and family as we are all aligned on all of it.

   4. I try to remind myself of nearer-in examples than childhood of having what now seem to be insignificant problems. For example, I will pinpoint a couple really stressful (at the time) work things that have happened in the past 2 years and point out to myself that they really did not matter in the grand scheme of things. Then when I start to feel similar stresses, I try to ask myself if in a year or two, whatever is bothering me today will feel like those a year from now. Granted, most of my stresses are work related, and not bigger world, so might not work as well for you.

      Also journaling, daily long walks outsides, and for me going to church, really help minimize some of the big stuff and help me feel empowered to tackle little steps to make a difference.

   5. “ And now I honestly don’t care about anything. Career – whatever – someone pays me 200k to do work and I barely do any of it. I do worry about health and my aging parents.”

      This is me. I am early 40s and about a decade ago after tying myself in knots about EVERY LITTLE THING, and many years of therapy, I finally realized nothing in my life is that bad and I will be fine and even if I am not fine, so what? I just stopped caring about things to this extent. I am still a kind and empathetic person and I don’t kick puppies or whatever – I made a conscious choice to stop caring so much about things. It’s great. I have a great life and it’s fun and I roll with whatever gets thrown my way.

      1. Oh except I don’t get worked up about my aging parents or my health. I’ll figure it out if I have to, no point in worrying about it.

6. Have your friends changed now that the pandemic is (hopefully) waning? I know many of us here said – we’d never look at certain people the same way/would distance ourselves – often it was people who were partying while the pandemic was at its worst and we had no vaccines yet. Did that happen?

   One of my closest friends – we’re hardly in touch anymore. I think it’s somewhat pandemic related as she got offended at me and a few of our common friends group who was telling her to stay home in March 2020, as she was like whatever you all are paranoid. She then got covid and from what little she has told us it was scary – in March 2020 in NYC, there was no care available; fortunately she didn’t need hospital care but things lingered and she had to go see cardiologists etc. months after. She seems physically fine now but has zero interest in ever reaching out to any of us. Every once in a while we get a week where it feels “normal” – group texts back and forth – but more often than not if we reach out, it’s one sentence responses a week later, if that. I assume she has a lot on her plate – post covid, there was also a job loss though she landed at another solo practice law firm similar to the one she left, and she seems to be taking the effects of covid and the economy on the lower class neighborhoods VERY seriously, and is still constantly blaming southerners for not vaccinating (IDK when she last even stepped foot in the south but it’s this NYC is doing it best attitude). Whereas the rest of the friend group is the type that’s like eh just work from home, market is great (no one says it but that’s the feeling). IDK if this friendship ever comes back.

   1. I feel like I lost all of my mom friends b/c we were all trying now to drown and had no time / energy for faux zoom socializing. I am chatty with moms with empty nests or older kids and my adult / no-kid neighbors but I am very lonely that I am so distant with my peers. “Somebody I used to know” is now my pandemic song and not a break-up song anymore.

      1. I’m sorry; this is really hard. And I can completely see how that would happen, through nobody’s fault.

      2. Wow I feel this so much, especially the Gotye reference.

      3. I feel this so hard.

         We are the only ones in our friend group who are still keeping their kid home (kindergarten age, we’re homeschooling with split schedules for 2 FT jobs, it’s hard), and only socializing outdoors. Everyone else is in daycare, school, doing indoor sports classes, birthday parties etc. We do 1:1 playdates outdoors with masks, but the social network we were in has shifted away, understandably.

         (Please don’t comment on my family’s Covid protection measures, we have personal and health reasons for not having kid in school in our area of the country. Unfortunately, very few people listen to someone who worked as a researcher on SARS #1 15 yrs ago, and is also immunocompromised.)

   2. We had some family relationships that were strained by Covid precautions and lack thereof. Then my FIL died from Covid, despite being very, very cautious, and they were just weird about it all and continued living life like nothing had ever happened. We are, finally, seeing these people again for extended family events, but I no longer have much emotional investment in those relationships. Like I’m not going to bend over backwards for you because you did jack sh!t to support us during the worst year of our lives AND you acted like fools. I now know that your judgment is suspect and you’re not nearly as compassionate as you like people to believe you are.

   3. I seem to have lost a few friendships over covid. A couple were people I worked with either at my office or in my larger industry. I kind of thought we were real friends but not seeing each other IRL seems to have killed it off (maybe I’ll get an answer to a friendly text at this point, maybe not.)

      Then the whole antivax/covid isn’t real/I won’t live in fear thing has put a nail in the coffin of my already faltering relationships with several family members.

   4. I have so little bandwidth for socializing that it is easy for me not to invest in relationships with people who were/are terrible. I specifically reach out and plan things with my local friends who I love, admire and respect. It is healing to see them, honestly.

      Everyone else? I’ll see them when I see them.

   5. As long as you focus on the market being great, while shrugging off the impacts of the pandemic on ‘lower class neighborhoods’ (what does that mean, exactly?), this friendship might not come back. It sounds like her and your priorities have diverged.

      1. I assume her friend is focused on the fact in certain communities, most hold/held jobs in service, retail, restaurants etc. where WFH wasn’t possible and they had a TON of exposure; certain communities have suffered a lot while others were able to stay home or head to a vacation home, work from home, and order everything online – to be delivered by those who had to be out and about because they didn’t have another job option. Sounds like friend USED to be part of that friend group – money, things, comforts of life; maybe having covid and/or seeing its impact on NYC hit her in a certain way to where she doesn’t have tolerance for – omg 100k bonuses this year, I’ll invest it all.

   6. I think people have moved even further into their echo chambers. Vaccinated with vaccinated; unvaccinated with unvaccinated; north vs. south; people worrying about impacts of covid on low income vs. people who are like whatever I’ll get to work from home forever now; people thinking $15/hour isn’t enough for retail and employers are lying and rarely offering that even if they advertise it vs. those saying get back to work $15 is more than plenty etc. I assume it’s because it’s been such a long time of ONLY seeing your own household, which likely thinks similarly to you + you can only text the friends that agree with you and you no longer need to deal with those coworkers, neighbors, others that you otherwise liked and spoke to regularly and because you liked them maybe you considered other viewpoint.

      Sounds like that’s what happened with OP’s friend – she stopped dealing with the friend group and now suddenly the things that mattered to all of you before don’t matter to her and neither party has anything to say to each other.

7. My best friend’s dad has advanced cancer and it’s not looking good. Thoughts on how I can support her from a long way away? In normal times I would go visit or try to take her on a relaxing girls trip, but she’s Covid cautious (and has kids under 2 who won’t be vaxxed for a long time) so I don’t think that would be welcome now. She’s possibly pregnant so a lot of consumables (booze, cheese) might not work. A gift card feels too impersonal and money isn’t what she needs.

   1. If it was my best friend, I’d ask her what would help her the most. I don’t want to guess and then add to her plate with something unhelpful or not useful. Tbh if this was me, I wouldn’t want anything but your emotional support.

      1. I do, but she just says there’s nothing for me to do. It’s her personality to downplay her own stuff and focus on other people. She actually keeps switching the conversation around to my dad who recently had a (minor, treatable) health condition, and giving her happy updates on him makes me feel terrible, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to force her to talk about her father if she doesn’t want to.

         1. I get it. I am like your friend and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. Just knowing you’re there and getting occasional texts saying you’re thinking about me/us would be plenty.

   2. For situations like this, we do self-directed toys and games for the kids – stuff that doesn’t need a parent. For the adults, we do a pizza hut or equivalent gift card with a note like, please enjoy a pizza on a us on a night when you really need it – or something similar. We never do anything fancy because that’s just more stress. I’ve also put $50 in a card with the note of, let us pick up some of the parking fees at the hospital, if he is at that point.

      1. An UberEats gift card was hugely helpful after my dad had his stroke. It took us months to use but there were just nights where we just couldn’t handle anything but ordering something.

   3. Gift cards to restaurants or takeout options so she doesn’t have to cook or think about meals for her and her family everyday. Also, call her after her kids go to sleep so she can really talk and vent etc.

      1. +1, and try to accommodate her schedule. As a FT working parent of small children, I will say Friday night facetime with a friend after kids go to bed is clutch.

   4. Keep checking in on her, even if it’s just a text that says, “Hey, you don’t need to respond, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.” Or asking her honestly how she’s doing.

      1. This is huge. When I lost my mom to aggressive cancer, the friends who really counted were the ones who sent me quick texts every couple of days just sending love and support and letting me know they were there for me any time. You would be amazed at how much a heart emoji can do.

   5. What your friend will truly need is for you to check in on her, visit her. Etc. after he dies. Everyone is thoughtful at the end and around the funeral. It’s in the months after when you’re still grieving and everyone else has moved on.

8. Most of my winter clothes were dresses that I wore with tights. Now . . . I haven’t worn tights since early 2020. Do I go back? Do I try to navigate cropped pants and some sort of footwear and frozen ankles? Is there a good third option? I am really 10 degrees away from having no no-thinking outfits and wasting too much time in the morning trying on things and combinations (like the dress fits and tights are OK but OMFG those heels / boots / whatevers need to die).

   I’m back in the office (and happy about it, but for this).

   1. Sounds like you need to try on your clothes and maybe buy updated boots? I am seeing a lot of dresses styled with knee-high boots on blogs and in catalogues. The boots are not sleek and slim like the knee-high boots we wore last time around, though. They are kind of baggy around the ankles and calves.

   2. Can you wear your dresses in a more casual way? Maybe get some flat or low boots to wear with them? And then you could wear the flat boots with newer styles of pants and sweaters or whatever the dress level is in your office as well.

   3. If you figure it out would you let me know? I too was a dresses with tights person but man, tights are feeling so darn restrictive right now! As are heels, sheath dresses, etc. I think partially I need to get used to it and partially I need to find some cute sleek oxfords and smoking slippers/flats because heels really do feel like a bridge too far.

9. Does anyone here suffer from misophonia? What do you do about it?

   1. Yes, I have this from forks scratching on plates. Its such a infrequent sound that I am able to avoid it most of the time. I ask people to stop doing it if its really bothering me.

   2. Yes and unfortunately, the thing I do the most about it is just leave a situation if someone is making a noise and it’s not appropriate for me to politely ask them to stop. I’ll excuse myself to go to the bathroom, say I need to make a quick phone call, etc. Just getting away for a few seconds helps me calm down, even if I know I’m going to have to return to the noise. Also, noise canceling headphones + ambient music spotify playlists (or insert playlist of choice) for public workspaces, airports, etc. I’m sure therapy specifically focused on this would help if it got to a point that it caused major issues in my daily life, but most of the time I can work around it and my job moving to mostly WFH has really helped.

   3. Not formally diagnosed but have been noticing it getting worse and worse in the last couple years. Triggers are flatware banging on bowls as people are eating foods like cereal; picking at fingernails; and two socked feet rubbing together. As for what do I do about it… besides blow up at my family for eating cereal? Seriously though it’s a lot worse if I don’t sleep enough so I focus on that; and it’s a lot worse if I have no break from noise all day. My job during covid has often been 9-10 hours of phone calls, so that plus little kids living in my house means my ears are just very overwhelmed. I try really hard to build in quiet time.

   4. My husband chewing but I think the name for that is marriage, not misphonia.

   5. I have always hated the noise of utensils clicking on teeth, and the sound that utensils make when you put them away, but I guess I must just grin and bear it.

Comments are closed.