Corporette.com

Updated: Oct 19, 2021 282 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Micah Floral Printed Midi Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Florals for fall? TRULY groundbreaking. (Take that, Miranda Priestly.) This floral-printed shirtdress from Reiss is fresh and feminine, but the belt and cuffs give it a little bit of structure and make it great for work.

To bring it into winter, I’m going to make an old-school recommendation: a full-length slip. It adds an extra layer of warmth and helps avoid static cling. My favorite is this one from Jockey.

The dress is $375 at Reiss and comes in regular sizes 0–12 and petite sizes 0–10.

Two more affordable options in fall-appropriate florals are this Marée Pour Toi dress (sizes 14W–26W; $159) and this dress from Maggy London (2–14, $148).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

      • Anon

        I saw two female equity partners at my firm last week for the first time in a year. They were wearing longer floral / patterned dresses that were more like this (definitely not sheath dresses; I don’t think they wore those pre-pandemic even). Maybe people are just wearing the dresses regardless of where (different if clubwear, but these are women in their 40s), which I can co-sign in most instances.

      • Anon

        I would absolutely wear this to work, and do – I have a lot of dresses like this one.

    • Cat

      Same, not for my life as it is — I’ve seen this look or similar on (1) friends hosting a dinner or drinks event in the south, (2) influencers wearing similar styles for “dates” with Sarah Flint flats (swipe up for $50 off your first pair!), (3) Duchess Kate visiting a patronage, and (4) for daytime fancy like wedding or baby showers, but… I’m not in the south, am not an influencer or Duchess, am past “shower season” for the most part, and in any event, tend to wear more practical bottoms like jeans on cool-weather date nights as part of the fun is a long walk to or from dinner.

      So, will quietly admire the look for those who enjoy!

      • Anon

        Just wear the dress! I swear people in my city are dressing up to go to the Harris Teeter.

          • Anon

            Lol does Philly even have a Teeter? I can see if where if you have a Teeter, that is a sign that this would not raise an eyebrow :)

          • Cat

            yeah no Teeter in Philly hahaha. The look at the Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s remains firmly planted in athleisure.

            To anon above, agree that the fact you have a Teeter = you are in a location that is likely to be more “feminine dressy” in style.

          • Anon

            Confirmed in my city the Whole Foods is firmly in the LLL / athleisure camp (tho with random sprinklings of rufflepuff dresses with Golden Goose sneakers). We do have Teeters, hence the overlap. Definitely more high end sporty at the WF.

    • Ribena

      I have a slightly more casual version of this (from Toast) which I wear with cropped cardi/ leather jacket/ etc as appropriate, often with boots and dark tights, or with sneakers, as an everyday sort of dress which I can also wear up to a medium-nice sort of bar or restaurant.
      On this one I’d replace the fabric belt with leather probably, and then wear it just like that.

      • khc

        I hate this midi length. so unflattering on real people wearing sensible shoes. can’t they show a smidge longer or shorter?!?!

        • Anon

          I’m 5-4 and love this length and that it is not a sheath. It is easy to walk in and I can eat lunch or gain/lose a pound or two and still have an item that fits.

        • Cb

          I bought 5 new dresses as my work capsule wardrobe and everything had to have 6-8 inches off of it to be knee length. And I’m 5’7. Such an annoying additional expense.

        • Anon

          I mean you can hem it? I love this length personally. Much more versatile and easy to wear.

        • anonypotamus

          I am not sure that height has much to do with it. I am 5’9″ and I hate midi length dresses. I think it is because I have muscular calves and these dresses tend to hit right at the widest part of my calf. So since you don’t see my leg curve back in toward the knee, I just look wide and stumpy. Just below knee length is much flattering and still vaguely midi-adjacent.

  2. anon

    Just a friendly reminder to make sure your camera is off if you are joining a conference call straight from bed and shirtless as one of the engineers did this morning on my first conference call!

    Happy Tuesday everyone!

  3. Anon4this

    To those in NYC; is outdoor dining still pleasant? I was invited to a late outdoor dinner but not sure if it’s worth it in 50 degree weather. There will be heat lamps and cocktails, but I really hate the cold.

    • Anonymous

      I went last night (which I’d call the first cold night of the season). I wished I’d worn a slightly warmer jacket, but it was surprisingly okay with the heater, and once the drinks and conversation got going I didn’t think about the temp at all. I say go for it but make sure you choose a warm jacket you can comfortably wear while sitting down during your meal.

  4. Anon4this

    To those in NYC; is outdoor dining still pleasant? I was invited to a late outdoor dinner but not sure if it’s worth it in 50 degree weather. There will be heat lamps and cocktails to keep warm, but I really hate the cold.

    • NYCer

      I have not been out to dinner since it got chilly this fall (literally, yesterday), but I had no issue dining outdoors in these temperatures last fall and spring. Most restaurants do a good job with the heat lamps. I guess the only issue is whether all the restaurants have their cold weather set ups, since it was so warm until this week.

    • Cat

      for temps in the 50s I personally find it comfortable to be in one of the “streetery” type tables so that you have 3 walls as windblocks. Not only do you stay warmer but your food stays warmer longer, too. (If you have a calm night then a regular table + heat lamp is OK, but if the wind is blowing the warm air away from you, not so much.)

    • anon in brooklyn

      It depends on which day it is. Today’s high is 69, so it’ll be in the low 60s at dinnertime. Tomorrow’s high is 77, so it’ll probably be warmer in the evening.

    • Anon

      I was out on Sunday and it was chilly, granted I was in a sweater dress, spring jacket and knee high boots. It was pretty windy since we were by the water. I’d wear jeans, high boots, a sweater, and jacket. Maybe a light fashionable scarf too.

    • Anon

      Y’all: buy a pair of silk longjohns to wear under jeans, pants, long dresses for all of your outdoor dining and firepit activities. These are very thin and do not add bulk. If it is really cold, I would go with merino, but I al aware that I am wearing them. The silk longjohns are gone from my consciousness almost immediately.

    • Anon

      I’m in the Midwest so probably have a greater tolerance for cold than many, but dining outside at 50 degrees is totally fine. We do it down to about 40 (we’re not doing anything indoors because we have kids who are too young to be vaccinated), but in the 40-45 range it’s not super pleasant unless the restaurant has really good heaters.

  5. Anonymous

    I’m trying to put together a couple goals for 2022 after a particularly unmotivated year. I billed fewer hours this year than any other year (I’m a partner so I’m not getting fired, but it does impact my budget), attitude is meh on my Junior League/volunteer work, and meh on my marriage (not “give me a divorce!” But just – meh).

    Anyone else set goals, and if yes, any achievable and tangible ones you’d suggest or not recommend?

    • Anon

      Given what you said, I’d try to find the love and joy in my marriage again. I’d go all on on that. Work and volunteering are fine when everything else is going well, but if your primary relationship is down, it’s pretty hard to be happy otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      I would commit to spending 15 minutes a day outside. Preferably walking but if all you can do is sit on a bench outside your building that’s ok too. I find that taking a small break helps to center me and makes me feel better able to tackle bigger challenges.

    • No Face

      My goals are to do a marriage workbook with my husband (any recs people?), Improve my health, attend live performances throughout the year, see my friends more, and travel after my kids are vaxxed. I am already working on several of these goals.

      Career goals are unwritten. I am being recruited for a job in a different role, so my goals will be very different depending on where I work.

      • anon

        No Face, if you’re Christian the Tim & Kathy Keller On Marriage book (and the various related materials) is pretty great, IMO. They’re from a more evangelical wing of Christianity so I don’t agree with them on everything (I’m Anglican) but their vision of marriage really resonated with me.

      • Anon

        My goals are similar. Tentatively planning 4 international trips as a family in 2022, plus the US Virgin Islands w/my mom and Puerto Rico w/my husband and kid. I bought tickets to Moulin Rouge, Dear Evan Hansen, Mean Girls and Waitress. Hoping to meet my France-based BFF in London for a weekend of West End shows which would tick several boxes: travel, friends, live theater. Fingers crossed that most of it will happen.

    • Anon2

      I recently read that it’s better to run your life by systems instead of goals. “A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run.” A lot of that thinking is based on James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. I plan to look more into goals vs. systems going into the new year. Just thought I’d share some food for thought.

      • anonymous

        That sounds right up my alley. Thanks for sharing. I’ve never been a big goal setter, but I do gravitate towards building daily habits.

      • Curious

        Amazon uses a concept called mechanisms for the same reason! Though goals are sometimes a part of a system (e.g., goal plus metrics plus review cadence). The other pieces are mental models, message flows, and a few other things if that helps anyone.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think I’ve mentioned this before, but my husband and I do monthly goals. They’re often bite sized like “get bids on X project,” then “hire contractor for X project,” then “start work on X project.” And sometimes it takes months to get one crossed off, and sometimes taking months to cross one off means it wasn’t really a good/desirable/really wanted goal in the first place and it just goes away. Successful ones, in addition to the various steps in various projects, have included “have two dinner parties this month,” “have 15 alcohol free days,” “get Shingles vaccine,” “read books every day,” “take walks.”

      • anon

        Adding to this list – favorite new years resolution was do one new thing each month. The rule was it had to be something that neither one of us had ever done before.

    • Anon100

      I set some goals for 2021 and I’ve achieved quite a few, although they were more on the personal side and I knew they were fairly easy to achieve. My favorite one was going on the Old Rag hike in Shenandoah – I hate rock scrambling and climbing but meeting that goal made me feel super accomplished.

    • Anonymous

      What about goals related to physical fitness? Not weight loss – which is an outcome, not a goal – but something like “Try one new physical activity every month.” Or “Work with a trainer two days a week with the goal of lifting heavier weights.”

      How about a purely fun goal, like “Try a new restaurant once a month,” or “See live music or live theater once a month.”

  7. Anonymous

    I need some new book recommendations. Books I’ve read and enjoyed recently include Circe, Between Shades of Gray, and The Winter Soldier. I love historical fiction and would especially love a recommendation for a good novel about the Cultural Revolution in China (something I don’t know much about). In general, I like novels that explore totalitarianism or repressive political movements and I’m not afraid of heavy topics in general, but I’m a bit oversaturated on WWII/European theater stuff at the moment. Any ideas?

    Btw, I’ve already read a lot of Geraldine Brooks and Pachinko, but I definitely recommend those to other historical fiction fans. Hated Hamnet.

    • Anon

      You might like The Island of Sea Women! It’s historical fiction about an all-women diving collective in Korea in the 1930s and ‘40s. My book club read it earlier this year and enjoyed it.

      • Anon

        +1 to Island of the Sea Women. I’ve also enjoyed other books by Ruta Sepetys who wrote one of the books you mentioned liking, Between Shades of Gray. I forget the names right now, but one was set in Spain and another in Eastern Europe at the end of WWII (maybe too much for you).

      • Duckles

        Counter opinion: I hated this book so much I didn’t finish it, just because [vague spoiler alert] the author loves to set up nice moment/ something horrible happens immediately thereafter multiple times. It felt cheap to do to the reader and I stopped even though I wanted to like the topic.

    • Vicky Austin

      Are you good with historical fiction in Europe if it’s not WWII (which I agree is overdone)?

    • Anon

      I know you said no WWII but the Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons came to mind immediately. It’s set in Russia during the siege of Leningrad and it’s an epic love story but also very much about the horrors of war. It’s super heavy but really enthralling. Don’t read the other books in the trilogy, they get very soapy.

    • Cb

      Oh! I have a China rec, A Single Swallow by Ling Zhang. I’m also reading The Lovers Discourse at the moment, set betwen post-Brexit Britain and China and it’s really beautifully written and sad and lovely. Also have you read The Sympathizer and The Committed, a series set in Vietnam. Hard going but really literary and beautifully written.

      • Anonymous

        Ah yes, I really wanted to like The Sympathizer (it sounded perfect for me), but I gave up after the male author kept describing darkness as “vaginal.” I just couldn’t do it. I’ll check out your other recs, thanks!!

    • Anan

      It’s non fiction, and post WWII, but Last Boat Out of Shanghai follows several families as they try to flee China following the Communist Revolution. I was sucked in.

      • Anon

        If you like these, I also recommend Pat Barker’s The Silence of the Girls and The Women of Troy, which tell the Trojan War from a woman’s perspective.

    • PolyD

      I just finished The Lions of Fifth Avenue by Fiona Davis, about a family that lived in the NY Public Library (husband was the building manager) in the early 1900s. It was good and took twists I wasn’t totally expecting.

    • An.On.

      This might be reaching, but there’s a two-book graphic novel set about the Boxer Rebellion, called “Boxers and Saints” by Gene Luen Yang, which is fairly hefty for a graphic novel. Each book tells the story from one of the sides, i.e., Boxers and Christians.

      And as a non-graphic novel, covering the Cultural Revolution, there’s Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress.

      • An.On.

        Also, if you want repressive regimes, there’s One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich (and a lot of Solzhenitsyn’s work touches on the gulags in some way, including Gulag Archipelago, which is non-fiction).

        And M.M. Kaye has a couple of doorstop books set with the backdrop of India under British control, with romantic subplots: Shadow of the Moon (including the Indian Rebellion of 1857), and the more famous Far Pavilions (covering parts of the Afghan War).

      • An.On.

        Sorry, I keep thinking of books that probably don’t fit your criteria, but are still good (and they might trigger more recommendations):

        Colin Cotterill has a mystery series set in 1970s communist Laos, and you don’t have to read them all, but they start with The Coroner’s Lunch.

        Cry, the Beloved Country is set in pre-apartheid South Africa.

        Heart of Darkness is pretty famous, but for a non-fiction book on the Belgian Congo, there’s King Leopold’s Ghost.

        • emeralds

          Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe would dovetail with An.On.’s last couple recs. Sticking with Africa, I haven’t read it myself, but Yaa Giasi’s Homegoing has been on my list forever.

          If you’re open to speculative, R.F. Kuang’s The Poppy War drew its broad inspiration from Mao and conditions in WWII-era China.

          • Anon

            Ohhhh Homegoing is one of my favorite books of all time. I advise everyone to take the rest of the day off work to go get it and read it :)

    • Senior Attorney

      I just finished Clark and Division, which is about Japanese Americans in Chicago immediately after being interned at Manzanar. (Yes, WWII but not European theatre, and it’s got a murder mystery to boot.) Enjoyed it very much. For nonfiction, I also just finished Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, which blew my socks off.

      I also enjoyed Circe and also really loved Piranesi, which is similarishly magical-realism-ish.

    • anne-on

      Have you read a Gentleman in Moscow? I loved it and thought the political discussion was really interesting as I didn’t know much about that time period.

    • Anon

      Historical fiction plus some contemporary leaning fiction that Ive enjoyed this year:
      Please Look After Mom (contemporary korean)
      The Weight of Ink (1600s jewish london)
      Finding Nouf (contemporary Saudi Arabia mystery, might enjoy based on your interests )
      The Tenth Muse (ww2 history sorry, a contemporary search for family history)
      Brodeck (ww2 history is implied but a mystery and can be read as an unspecified time and place

    • Cb

      Ah, Tahmima Anam’s novels about the Bangledesh wars of independence are also GORGEOUS!

    • Anon

      I read it years ago but Ha Jin’s Waiting was incredible and touches on the cultural revolution.

  8. AnonNewEmployee

    Checking in with fellow ‘rettes who started new jobs in the past couple weeks (I know there were a few of us). How’s it going? Mine is exactly as I expected, but it’s hard to be new. I’m trying to strike the balance of listening/learning and getting in with the culture. Everyone’s nice but I think a little wary. Thinking of all the others who are new right now!

    • Vicky Austin

      Oh hey!

      I’m about a month in (amid other life changes) and finally starting to feel like I can get my head around what’s expected of me. I changed lanes in a big way so that was always going to take some time, but I’m pleasantly surprised by how much of what I learned at Old Job is useful at New Job despite their differences. Sending encouraging thoughts to everyone else in this phase!

    • Cb

      Newbie checking in. Day 19 and my boxes of books arrived so I can settle into my office, and I nearly have a functioning computer. Things are going really well, I’m trying to be cautious not to overcommit myself and just focus on research and teaching, avoiding thankless admin tasks when I can. I’m also in charge of outgoing study abroad which I’m super excited about as someone whose career is very much a product of study abroad experiences.
      The shine of the new job came off slightly today when I got a complaint from a student that included “we’re paying to see you!” Erm…

    • Anon

      Hello fellow freshers! I am struggling with the tech more than the work itself. This company’s training site is buggy and freezes up at least once every ten minutes. I’ve restarted my computer more times in a day than I can count. Praying that this is not a sign of things to come, but that noob account access just takes a while to smooth out.

    • Cora

      Hello!! I’ve been here a little over 2 weeks. It’s definitely a good fit, I like the team. I’m at the same spot re: listening and getting in – they’re a casual team but I don’t want to be too familiar. There are also a lot of “best practice” type changes which the team should and can make since I’m the most senior in my speciality, but I’m trying to very slowly roll those out. No one has said anything or shown any opposition, but you never want to come in and make changes.

      My boss is actually out of the office this week, which is a bit strange. I have some projects I’m working on so I honestly didn’t even notice yesterday, and they all have next steps so I’ll be busy for a while, but its a bit strange to not have anyone “assigning” you work this early on.

    • Agurk

      Hi! Day 12 for me and I’m still mostly trying to get appropriate permissions for software, etc. Like you things are pretty much as expected, which is to say a little bit of a mess. I’m trying to remind myself that I can’t just waltz in and say “you’re doing everything wrong! Let me change it!”

    • Anon

      I was hired as a part of a major department expansion across multiple SME specialties, and I am wildly intimidated by the quality of my fellow new hires. Major, major imposter syndrome going on right now.

      • Agurk

        I would just like to point out that you must be pretty awesome if they hired you in a cohort of such great people :)

      • OP

        I’m sure you are a rockstar! What a great opportunity to learn from the best!

    • txblue

      I started yesterday and my hiring said the 18th and my recruiter believed I was starting on the 18th but no one knew I was starting and I spent the day opening boxes of equipment and trying to figure out how to set up my computer and why my phone wasn’t working.

      Today has been normal thank God.

  9. Anon

    Are there any current offerings for mid-rise straight leg bottoms (jeans, cords, etc.) in a curvy cut? [Very serious about that; I am returning a pair of bottoms and there is no tick box for “returning due to camel toe” and with current cuts there should be.]
    Bonus if not cropped, rolled cuff, or otherwise stumpified. I have one pair of 2004-era Target Levis (best $20 I ever spent on clothes) and am loving how they go over last year’s ankle boots and let me wear socks so my feet / ankles aren’t cold now that it’s not flats weather. My other pants are snug or require substantial heels with their hemmed length, and I’m just looking for something easy to wear now that I’m leaving the house every day (for a casual office).

    • aBr

      Try Frame. I have the Le Jane jeans which fit the bill you are looking for. One word of warning – they are very much like jeans in the 90s – thick denim and little stretch. I’d size up if you aren’t completely sure of your non-vanity sized size. I’ve also had good luck with Mother jeans as well, but can’t recall the name of the cut.

    • Cb

      I have heavy weight linen trousers which were made to my measurement which might fit the bill. LinenIDStudio on Etsy. Got them in an autumnal colour and felt so smart and comfortable yesterday.

    • Digby

      Talbots always has a few styles of jeans in their curvy cut – although it seems like they offer fewer curvy styles every year , so if you find any you like, probably don’t play the “If I wait a week, they’ll have a better sale” game that I play.

      • Anon

        Dang — you’re not kidding. Curvy cords in the color I love are just gone. And even most of the colors I don’t like. Yikes!

    • Jeans

      I recently bought the Elizabeth high rise, fab ab straight leg jean from Kut From the Kloth, and they’re honestly pretty great. Stretchy enough to be comfy but keep their shape throughout the day, and the “fab ab” design smooths over the midsection area nicely. The length is technically cropped, but I’m 5’4″ and it’s more or less full length on me — obviously that may not be the case for you if you’re taller or longer legged. Very flattering overall.

      https://kutfromthekloth.com/collections/we-celebrate-you/products/kp1493ma1-elizabeth-high-rise-fab-ab-crop-straight-leg-party?_pos=8&_sid=54bef50d2&_ss=r

    • MagicUnicorn

      Levi’s 724 in the long (32” inseam) are my favorites. Curvy pear here, typically a 12 or 14 on bottom. These are higher rise more than a mid rise but for me they hit exactly at my belly button/natural waist.

        • MagicUnicorn

          I have a 33” natural waist, 44” hip, and wear the size 31 (which Levi bills as a 12).

          For reference: I also wear a 31 in Old Navy/Gap jeans, although I don’t like the quality of ON and Gap fits have been more miss than hit lately for me. Hope that helps!

    • AIMS

      I bought a pair of “power straight” Old Navy jeans in black – it said high rise but really more of a mid-rise, imo. Anyway for $30 or so, I am happy and have been wearing every weekend.

    • Anonymous

      I love Mother jeans for this, not sure about their current offerings but they’re my go-to.

    • anonypotamus

      I hadn’t shopped there in almost 20 years, but I have been very pleasantly surprised by the curvy cuts of jeans (well, their clothes in general) at Abercrombie, of all places. High enough rise for even this extremely short-waisted hourglass, roomy enough in the butt and thighs, and actually small enough in the waist! A lot of the styles have distressing, but they come in various colors, washes, lengths (including talls and petites in many styles) and have held up well for the price.

  10. Anonymous

    Just put an offer in on a house in a multiple offer situation and by some stroke of luck, got the place. Am now panicked about this and having second thoughts (did we offer too much? are we crazy?). Talk me down?

    • Anon

      A multiple offer situation means you got a good house. Even in hot markets they aren’t always the case. You’re fine. Congrats.

    • Digby

      I was in the same boat a year ago – I think that feeling is completely normal. Does it help to remind yourself that obviously your house is very desirable, since multiple people bid on it? You got a great house! (And it helped me to think that if we decided it wasn’t the right house for us after all, we should be able to sell it pretty quickly and maybe even make a little money on it, since so many other people were bidoing on it.)

    • Winter

      For what it’s worth, I’ve felt that way after every home purchase. And they’ve all turned out great anyway! It’s just always such a monumental purchase (for us at least) that there’s bound to be some small amount of second guessing. And, “offer to much” is relative. You offered what you needed to offer to get the house. Which means you offered the right amount.

    • Anon

      I’ve done this three times. In most cases, in order to win the house you have to be the high bidder so it’s double edged – you want to win, but you don’t want to be “crazy” in your offering price. That said, in all cases I sort of panicked but went through with it and in all cases our house sold for way more than we bought for, and our current one just appraised about 20% more than we paid 2 years ago. Total anecdata, of course, and market dependent but point is – it’s normal!

    • Senior Attorney

      You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel like this! Congratulations and may you have a long and happy life in your new house!

    • Anonymous

      This was us. Three years and two kids later I still love our house. It probably helps that we haven’t had to do any major maintenance yet and prices have continued to skyrocket. You’ll be fine! Enjoy your new home.

    • Duckles

      Congrats! Just made an offer on my first house today too, after losing in a multiple offer situation on another last weekend. We’ll all be fine. I think/hope haha.

  11. anon

    I finally had time last night to clean and organize my closet. A few takeaways in a post-pandemic world:
    – I have PLENTY of work tops and should not buy more even though I’m sort of tired of them. Especially since I’m working from home 1-2 days a week.
    – Weight fluctuations are my nemesis. I have so many jeans and pants for this reason. I keep them around because it seems I eventually wear them again, depending on where my body is at. But it takes a ton of storage space and I hate how much money I’ve spent, only to have a handful of pants to wear at any given time. I’m in my early 40s and hormonal fluctuations are hitting me hard. Just because I can zip it today doesn’t mean I’ll be able to next week. :( I am dedicating a lot of space to storing things that don’t fit, and I’m not sure where to draw the line.
    – The work pants that I bought 3-4 years ago now feel like low rises in comparison to the higher waists that are available now!
    – I truly get and appreciate the mantra of buying less and buying better. I am purging less than I did even five years ago. This is especially true with things like handbags, shoes and sweaters. I literally have a note on my Target shopping list that says STAY OUT OF THE WOMEN’S CLOTHING AND ACCESSORY AISLES. Know thyself. I am prone to getting something just because it’s available, cute, and inexpensive. When it comes to Target, I’m a better abstainer than a moderator.
    – WHY did I buy so many scarves from 2008-2015ish? Ridiculous. I am still keeping my favorites, but I definitely don’t wear them like I used to. I also decided to use The Home Edit method and make cute little balls out of my scarves, which are neatly arranged in a basket.
    – Trendy sh!t is usually not worth the money.

    • Anon

      I hear you on the clothes inventory needed due to weight fluxuations. I’m into the pandemic gym slump + perimenopause + + + +, so I have a closet of X, X+1, X+2, etc. I just went to order something and it was backordered by 2 months and honestly, IDK what size I will be then. 5 pounds on or off is not forgiven and I actually bought quality clothes before, so I’m reluctant to part with many of them, especially since I consider it hard to buy clothes off the rack in any size (other than athleisure).

    • Anon

      Ha, I remember when “add a scarf” was the #1 fashion advice around these parts.

    • PolyD

      Laughing about the scarves. To be fair, I found them very useful when I was still out and about – sometimes a scarf makes a light jacket useful for a wide range of temperatures, and they were useful when around over-zealous AC. But now I am working from home and am menopausal, so generally don’t need the extra warmth.

      I need to look up the ball storage method. Right now I have them on a scarf hanger that is like a grid of circles, but I’m intrigued by the idea of rolling them up!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for posting this, I seriously need inspiration to go through my closet. Any tips for motivation?

      • anon

        My motivator was wanting to get out my fall/winter sweaters and not having a spot to put them! Also, I noticed dust bunnies piling up on the shelves and couldn’t stand it anymore.

    • Anon

      Scarves: I keep mine (silk and cotton) on several wooden scarf hangers that have big holes through which I pull two scarves per hole. I organize by color families. My wool and cashmere scarves are in a bin with a lid and a cedar plank, organized into a single layer of nests. The rayon ones have been donated.

    • Curious

      Coming off a recent pregnancy, my fervent belief is that all women’s clothes should flex a couple sizes. If we can do it for maternity and nursing clothes, why not other things? Also, my nursing tops are some of the most flattering clothes I’ve owned because someone got the memo that tops should go in under the bust but not cling to the belly and that cap sleeves are horrid; it’s lovely to cover more of the arm. Why is this so hard to find in clothes that don’t have holes for the boob?

      • Anon

        This is good to read. Most of the nursing tops I ordered were snug across the mid-section (and it’s not like they don’t know what that midsection just went through). I had better luck with nursing dresses. I shudder just to recall that — such struggles to leave the house each day and I didn’t need wardrobe struggles added to the mix.

        • Curious

          Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that. I got a cheap pack from Amazon and the same brand as hand me downs and just assumed they were all good.

      • Vicky Austin

        TJ: did you have your baby?? Congratulations! (I’ve been MIA the last couple weeks so I may have missed your announcement.)

      • Anon

        Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

        Preach, girl, preach. I weigh about 6-8 pounds more than I did before I was pregnant, and almost nothing fits. It’s absurd. My postpartum wardrobe is all designed to flex a bit; I spent a lot of money on looser silhouettes and jersey fabric, rather than structured sheaths.

        When my husband gains or loses 15 pounds, his clothes still fit fine.

        • Anonymous

          I actually weighed less after I had my baby than I did before I got pregnant, and my clothes still didn’t fit. I had to buy all new pants in the same size but a different shape. Ligaments relax. Things shift.

    • Anonymous

      I feel you on the scarves. I also moved from a cold climate to a much warmer one and every “winter” I look at my scarf and hat collection and mourn that they don’t get nearly as much use (not that I miss the cold. But I miss the excuse to wear cloche hats)

    • Anonymous

      I feel you on the weight fluctuations. I just re-organized my closet this weekend and I have the exact same pair of jeans in 3 different sizes. It’s frustrating. I have a small closet and some storage space in the garage so I keep all of my backup sizes in storage containers in the garage so at least they aren’t cluttering up the stuff I look at every day.
      Then I go through what I have in storage when I need a different size or every so often and ask myself honestly if this item fit me today, would I still want to wear it, to keep things semi-organized and cleaned out.

    • Senior Attorney

      So funny about the scarves. I literally have a little custom closet for my scarves with rows of dowels to hang them. And there they all hang, largely unworn. I feel like masks were the last nail in the scarf coffin because for a while we were wearing cloth masks and matching them to our outfits (no? only me? okay…) and that made a scarf totally redundant.

      • Anonymous

        My husband has a peg rack filled with dozens of ties. He last wore a suit and tie to work 18 years ago. Since then, we’ve moved twice and he’s hung up the rack and all the ties both times. Exactly one of those ties (his favorite) has been worn in all that time. Yet those ties will be gathering dust in our closet forever.

        • Senior Attorney

          Ha! Same with my husband, now that you mention it! In pre-COVID times he wore ties every day and had a huge collection. Now it’s more like once or twice a month for court.

  12. ollie

    Shoe help needed! I’m a biglaw senior associate and I have an in-person jury trial at the end of November in Houston. This is my first in-person trial post-COVID and first jury trial ever. Haven’t really worn heels since 2020 so I’m looking for court-appropriate flats to wear with skirt/dress suits for the few days I’ll be at counsel table and presenting witnesses (won’t be the whole time). Any recommendations? Or do I need to just suck it up and wear heels?

  13. anon

    Help me hack my Thanksgiving prep. DH and I typically host Thanksgiving for my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews. All told, 20 people attend. I truly enjoy doing this. Where I’m getting stuck is that several of my guests have non-negotiable dietary restrictions. SIL was diagnosed with Celiac’s last year; now her family of 5 eats gluten-free. Sister has to follow the FODMAP diet; onions and garlic are no-gos for her, as are many other things that I’d typically use. How do I accommodate everyone’s needs without needing to make a bunch of separate dishes? Especially with such large quantities! I don’t have the oven space to do the traditional stuff plus alternatives. I get really nervous about messing something up because so many prepared ingredients (even something like broth!) have hidden sources of allergens. I’ve thought about sending SIL and Sister my recipes ahead of time and asking “is this OK?” but I don’t want to burden them (and SIL is not great about responding at all, soo …).

    My family has a traditional palette. For reference: My dad’s response to Brussels sprouts with bacon a few years ago: “I don’t know what I’m eating, but it’s pretty good!”

    The easiest dishes are mashed and sweet potatoes. The hardest to substitute is dressing. If anyone has good sources for allergen-friendly Thanksgiving recipes, I’m all ears.

    • Anon

      You should absolutely send them your recipes and check with them ahead of time to be safe! That way they can identify any potential sources of allergens that you may not have thought of. With such a large group I would also not be afraid to ask people to make and bring their own allergy-friendly sides while you do the turkey.

    • Anon

      Reach out and have people bring sides. You cannot prepare a meal for 20 people with dietary restrictions on your own.

      • Veronica Mars

        I agree. That and a good, small core menu is the secret. Plus lots of booze.

      • anon

        +1 taking this all on yourself is unreasonable (says a vegan who never expects to be accommodated at a large group meal).

      • Anon

        Cosigning, from the gluten-free person. I generally ask if I can bring GF sides and am not bothered whatsoever if people ask me to bring something. I’ve been GF for 8 years and have the stuff I like to eat down pat, as far as recipes and cooking techniques go. Just let me do it and save yourself the trouble and expense of accommodating me.

    • Anon

      The good news is a lot of traditional thanksgiving food is basically gluten free, like turkey and roasted veggies. For gravy, thicken with arrowroot instead of flour. The FODMAP part might be harder, but as long as there’s one side plus turkey she can eat, you’re fine. You could also ask that sister to bring a side she can eat.

    • Anonymous

      Based on your last paragraph, remember that the goal is for everyone to be able to participate in the meal not for everyone to be able to eat everything on the table. You don’t need to have onion- and gluten-free stuffing as long as you have a suitable alternative carb like potatoes. If they really want stuffing then they can bring it. Give them a heads up about what will and won’t be available for them and let them know they are welcome to bring a dish if they would like.

    • No Face

      Instead of making a giant meal that suits everyone, I think it is easier to make sure there are enough options for each person to have a full meal, while skipping what they can’t eat. So make stuffing the normal way, but enough sides for everyone.

      I usually make a massive amount of roasted veggies, with just olive oil, salt and pepper. Basically everyone can eat it and it supplements what they skip. Turkey, mashed potatoes, and veggies are a full meal.

      • Anon

        +1. This is what I do with a variety of dietary issues in our family. I make turkey (using GF broth and spices), mashed potatoes, and a vegan gluten free butternut squash apple bake. I have both regular and GF dinner rolls available. I make one pumpkin pie and buy cheese-less cheesecake from Trader Joes. Then I ask each family to bring a side dish or dessert to share that they know their family can eat.

        I’ve invested in a bunch of those mini chalkboards so each dish can be labelled, and then everyone can pick and choose what they want to put on their plate. Usually everyone has at least three items they can eat, which I consider a win. The important part is that everyone feels welcome, which to me means they feel like an attempt has been made to find something they can eat at dinner.

      • Anon

        No. Coeliac cannot have the turkey at all if there’s breadcrumbs in the stuffing.

    • Anon

      For gluten free, stick with things that are naturally gluten free- so dessert could be an ice cream sundae bar or something like that, though make sure everything is actually gluten free (some brands are, some aren’t). You could also have a pie or two for people who do want them, but ice cream is appealing because it doesn’t need oven time. Otherwise, just ask for recs for a good gluten free bakery and get something from there.

      The roasted veggie suggestions are good, you could also do a wild rice or rice based side instead of dressing?

    • anonymous

      Check out the blog Iowa Girl Eats. All the recipes are gluten free. But I agree with the other suggestions of having people help with sides.

    • Anon

      I agree with the idea that this could be the year to ask people to bring sides. Here is how we typically do it for a gathering of about 20 adults and 8 kids: my aunt serves turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, bread, squash, salad, and a few other sides like pickles, cranberries, and lefse (it’s Minnesota, gotta have lefse). The rest of us bring sides, including pies. We have food that isn’t traditionally Thanksgiving food, but it works out just fine. Typical appearances are salads, red lentil dal, macaroni and cheese, a raw veggie plate, a lima bean hot dish (because—Minnesota, and it’s a popular dish in our family).

      Or if asking for sides will be difficult in your gathering, just select some great sides and make it work. Thanksgiving meals are wonderful for dietary restrictions because it’s so easy for people to mix and match from the offerings. Lean into squash, brussel sprouts with bacon, mashed potatoes, cornbread stuffing (no gluten there), and some delicious greens of your choice to round out the meal?

      My cousin brings a vegan raw pumpkin pie to Thanksgiving that is quite good (crust is made from dates and pecans; filling is fairly traditional; it sets overnight in the refrigerator). I have served it to my carnivore relatives who are not adventuresome with their eating (to accommodate a gf person), and they liked it. It’s obviously not the same as pumpkin pie with a pastry crust, but it’s good and you could go that route for dessert?

      Don’t ask me how I feel about my unvaccinated sister’s family and our state’s high covid case count and the fact that we probably won’t gather for Thanksgiving again this year.

    • Anon

      I think the gluten free and fodmap people should skip the stuffing and you shouldn’t share utensils or cutting boards from preparing that when you’re preparing things like the mashed potatoes. If you do a green bean casserole that’s also going to be off limits for them. So either they bring a compliant replacement dish or just skip those sides.

      Call a gluten free bakery ahead of time (seriously, well ahead of time because they will sell out) and get a gluten free pie or two. Again, don’t share utensils or dishes from this with the other items.

      You’ve got this. Reasonable people with dietary restrictions understand that they can’t eat everything someone else cooks and have responsibility for themselves. Just being careful of cross contamination in your kitchen and ordering special pies is plenty of accommodation on your part.

    • Anon

      I feel your pain. My family gatherings include two kids with celiac so the entire kitchen is deep cleaned beforehand to avoid any gluten cross-contamination from the food we normally eat while doing prep (we’re happy to do it – we love the kids and don’t want them to feel like a burden or need to be extra cautious about touching anything once they arrive), and we also have a bunch of vegetarians. Do you know how many foods are both gluten-free and vegetarian? And edible? Not many. We still do everything gluten free but have two vegetarian main dishes and a small meat main. Sending your food plans ahead of time are good, and go ahead to ask those with very specific needs to bring a dish or two they know they can eat. And consider printing little ingredient cards for each dish so people can make sure they’re eating food that’s safe for them. Agree with advice that not all dishes need to be available for all eaters .

      • Anon

        For my gluten free sister with an autoimmune disorder, I try to just incorporate as many gluten free things into the regular meal that I can. I don’t think it’s too much for your relatives to provide input on your recipes, but if they won’t I would just try to accommodate as much as possible and have ingredients lists for the dishes. The fact that you care so much and are already going above and beyond should hopefully be appreciated!

        I know most people said just to skip stuffing for the gluten free crowd, but this recipe is absolutely delicious and even my “meat and potatoes/ cranberry from the can thank you very much” dad loved it. We’ve made it both rolled into the turkey breast as provided in the recipe or in a casserole dish.

        https://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Turkey-Breast-Roulade-with-Chestnut-Stuffing/

    • Shelle

      I just wanted to echo the replies that having Celiac’s is different from choosing to eat gluten free, in that depending on the severity of the condition the person can get pretty sick if there is cross contamination. I had a roommate with Celiac’s who used a separate colander and cooking utensils. I’d be happy to include a dish or two on the menu that is gluten free, but I personally would not be comfortable guaranteeing to this person that their dishes have no traces of gluten.

    • Anon

      I’d focus on making the turkey, one veg side (maybe roasted squash?), and cranberry sauce that can be universally consumed and then doing a couple other sides yourself or asking people to bring things. People will presumably bring items that they can eat so that gives everyone at least 4 dishes, which is plenty to be full and festive .

      • Senior Attorney

        The new issue of Cook’s Illustrated has a fun recipe for homemade jellied cranberry sauce. I plan to make it and mold it in a can so my husband can have his beloved can-dents in the cranberry sauce!

    • Anonymous

      I used to have a method when cooking for a mixed crowd called “everything is vegan but the steak.” This seemed to keep everyone happy without me going insane.* So for you I’d make everything gluten free except the bread or cornbread stuffing or whatever and everything low FODMAP except the caramelized onions and roasted garlic. (I’m wondering if whole roasted garlic could top otherwise garlic free mashed potatoes.) This way it’s easy to avoid forbidden foods for those concerned but others dont feel they’re missing out.

      *vegan mil eventually decided she can’t possibly be around meat or dairy without being a giant jerk so she’s just not invited

    • anon

      Late to this, but we attended a gluten-free, no-onions-no-garlic Thanksgiving several years ago. (The hostess was gluten-free and on the FODMAP diet at the time, and her son cooked.) We had the traditional foods, but prepared slightly differently than usual. The cook used homemade broth without onions or garlic. We had turkey, gravy, cornbread stuffing, roasted brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and pie–all with adjusted recipes. I’d recommend running recipes by your guests, checking ingredients closely, and asking people to bring sides if feasible.

    • Anonymous

      Celiac is very serious, so that should take first preference, I think – make sure you get gluten free everything that could be contaminated (like oats, alternative flours etc) and maybe get a new cutting board and pie dish for this dinner? Just go full gluten free for everybody, no exceptions.

      But then maybe ask your sister which low fodmap vegetables work well for her? Stewed spinach or other greens could be great, glazed carrots, corn, maybe even (gluten free) pumkin pie, etc. And ask her if she can tolerate garlic oil, spring onion tops or chives, to give you some onion game. Chives on top of the mash will feel onion-y even though it’s low fodmap.

      Your biggest challenge in terms of exchanges will be making things like stuffing low fodmap. You can absolutely use a premade stuffing mix (just add more of the non-gluten things) for a gluten free stuffing, but the gluten free processed foods can be very non-low fodmap friendly with all the weird sugars (although actual wheat would probably be worse). I would make crusts from gluten free cookies and not try to mix things at your house.

    • Anonymous

      Comment in mod, but I just wanted to say that I get it, in terms of wanting to make it work for everybody and not just going potluck. I would, too. :)

  14. Anon

    I am so burned out, and I desperately need time off to do some urgent home repairs that must be completed before winter. I simply do not have time. I just started a new job and they were snide about my request to give three weeks notice instead of two, but my old job was in the middle of a crisis and I had to see things through or I’d have burned bridges. Taking PTO is completely out of the question for at least 6 months.

    I know the answer is “throw money at it” but getting contractors on the phone, out to do estimates, and then having them actually show up to do the work feels like an act of Congress. I’m starting to think I need a temporary personal assistant to act an a mini-general contractor. Is that absurd? Has anyone done similar?

    • Anon

      Why would that be absurd? If you can afford it, do it!!! I’m sure there are companies that offer this type of service or even a college student.

        • Anon

          Yep, I use my GC for everything. Is it more expensive? Yes. Is my time worth something? Yes. Do I have to redo or fix anything my GC handled? Never.

        • Anon

          We worked with a general contractor to renovate our kitchen and finish our basement, and they did a wonderful job. But they won’t handle simple home repairs. It has to be a big job, like in excess of $20k for them to do it. We have a handyman for all the smaller stuff. I thought that was typical and a GC was for like redoing rooms or building an addition on your house.

        • Senior Attorney

          And yes, a GC would be the one to handle the work but I can see how even finding a GC could be overwhelming and that’s where the personal assistant would come in.

          • Senior Attorney

            Well, there’s that. Although I have this idea that GC’s are super, super in-demand so maybe not.

    • Anonymous

      Without even knowing what the repairs are, I recommend getting a GC. Last year, my dishwasher leaked and I needed repairs to the kitchen floor, cabinets, and basement ceiling. I sort of lucked upon a GC when I was looking for estimates for the cabinets. I’m SO GLAD I hired them. They saved me a ton of money and hassle. They dealt with my insurance people as well as the other contractors that needed access to the house. For the rest of my life, if I have to deal with more than 2 contractors I’m hiring a GC.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Do you have any unemployed friends? A few years back, before my company offered any flexibility for WFH, I was having work done at the house. I was blowing through PTO days for multiple quotes, work being done, inspections, etc. I had a dear friend that was unemployed and I asked her if she’d be willing to job search from my couch for a few days to help me out. I stocked my fridge for her and left her with the wi-fi password. She was more than happy to help and enjoyed the change of “scenery” for those days. I also gave her a Whole Foods gift card as a thank you.

  15. Anon

    I am asking strangers on internet for medical advice – I was dehydrated and had darker urine and traces of blood today. I took UTI meds asap. I also expect period in 2 days, so Iam not sure if the blood is from urine or pre-period. Do I need to go to doctor?

    • Anon

      If you’re in the US, I’m not aware of any antibiotics that are OTC. The UTI meds I’ve seen over the counter relieve the pain but do not treat the infection. Having said that, anytime you see blood in urine, I think that calls for a doctor visit, even if it’s urgent care to check for a UTI for sure.

      • Anon

        +1 you’re masking symptoms without treating the infection. You need to see a doctor and get antibiotics.

    • NYCer

      Do you have any other UTI symptoms such as burning/pain? Absent those symptoms, I would assume it is pre-period and definitely would not go to a doctor. YMMV.

      • anonymous

        I agree. I would wait and see. But definitely see a doctor if you have any pain so they can get you started on antibiotics. I waited to long last time and ended up being very painful.

      • Anon

        This. The main UTI symptom is blinding pain, so without that, I’d just assume it’s pre-period.

      • Anon

        I had a UTI once and the only symptoms I had were urgency and a slight spasming feeling when I peed. It wasn’t super comfortable but I wouldn’t call it painful, definitely not “blinding” pain. When the doctor did the bacterial culture they said it was “off the charts” and they were surprised I wasn’t in the hospital with a kidney infection or sepsis. Do not wait for pain. People feel things differently and UTIs aren’t painful for all.

    • Anon

      Yes. Mine will order lab work for a suspected UTI without actually seeing the doctor first, you just have to go to the lab to give a urine sample and they go from there. It could be kidney stones or other things besides a UTI, so you definitely want the lab work done before prescribing anything.

    • Anon

      Thank you, I just got period (yay), but booked check-up with urologist just in case (no burning or pain). It is close to my office on an “in-office day”, so no harm.
      For Anon asking about OTC UTI antibiotics, luckily, I am in Europe and have decent UTI antibiotics available without prescription (local health authority logic being – better to give patients access rather than make them suffer till they manage to get an appointment in our non-working public healthcare system).

      • Anon

        WOW! I am so jealous about that. The agony of waiting for an appointment for a UTI is terrible.

        • Anon

          I am with you. When I was moving from Poland (OTC UTI antibiotics), I stocked up. I only had UTI once in my life, but that left a lasting impression on me. So I always have the meds in my home pharmacy/handbag/office drawer…

      • Anonymous

        The US is weirdly restrictive about antibiotics. I had strep followed by recurring infections for about a year and it was such a PITA to convince the doctor to give me antibiotics. They wanted me to tough it out; they wouldn’t give me anything unless I’d had symptoms for at least a week (they wanted more like 2 weeks) and even then they gave me the lowest possible dose. I don’t understand why it takes 2 appointments and weeks of feeling like crap to get a drug that will have me back on my feet in a couple of days. Also maybe if they gave me the right dosage of antibiotics to begin with I wouldn’t have had infections coming back for a year. Sigh.

        • Anon

          Just your resident microbiologist chipping in here to say that a horrifying fraction of UTIs are already resistant to many common antibiotics. Luckily there are still some that still work well for most infections, but there are virtually no new antibiotics being developed and if you think it’s bad having to deal with a day or two of waiting for a prescription now, just think what it will be like when most antibiotics don’t work at all! Please get a culture before taking antibiotics- like the poster below says, there can be a lot of other things that cause these symptoms and it’s actually not that uncommon for people who think they have UTIs to have something else going on.

          • Cat

            +1, I’ve only had one UTI but it took 3 tries to find the right antibiotic.

        • Anon

          I have chronic bacterial sinus infections and I experience the same thing (and I’m not a candidate for surgery, I’ve had multiple scans). This happens to me every spring and fall, so I know the routine by now. Twice a year for decades, and still I get a runaround until I’m blowing bright green tissues and am incredibly ill. My PCP finally made a note in my chart to just give me 10-day abx when I call, but he retired and the new people won’t listen. They force me to get sicker and sicker before they believe me and give me the drugs, instead of just letting me cut it off before things get horrible. I get so angry, I cry. Intentionally making me suffer is not preventing superbugs.

          • carrie

            I recommend you have an ENT doctor follow you for this. Chronic sinus infections can be caused by many things, and you may need more work-up over time (medicine changes…), and a doctor more experienced with this to treat your recurrent infections. They can send the appropriate note to your PCP for ongoing care, if they don’t want to manage the recurrent infections. Then your PCP will “believe” you. Sorry that seems harsh…. it is what it is.

            And you should think about a check in with an Immunologist to be sure there aren’t other causes of your issues, or more preventative things you could do.

          • Anon

            As someone else with recurrent sinus infections, I feel your pain, but I will also say I have not found that antibiotics are the answer. They don’t usually clear things up any faster than I can clear them up with appropriate self-care like hypertonic nasal saline washes 2x daily, Mucinex every 12 hours, and running a humidifier 24/7. I know you said you’ve had multiple scans, and I assume you’ve seen an ENT, but I didn’t get relief until I saw an allergist who gave me a whole regimen to follow year-round that involves avoiding certain foods, taking appropriate OTC drugs starting before allergy and cold/flu season, and some other stuff. Following that I was able to break the ridiculous cycle I was in of – get sick, get sinus infection, be miserable, get better, get sick again, get sinus infection again that’s even worse than the previous one, be miserable longer, etc.

          • Anon

            Carrie and anon, I’m not interested in legislating my illness with online strangers. I’ve seen the appropriate specialists. It’s over and done. You do not have special info that hasn’t already been considered. I’m supposed to be on abx, end of story.

        • carrie

          Sounds like you didn’t have an appropriate doctor or work-up. Recurrent ?infections for a year is very abnormal and you would need a work-up for the cause (and treat that) or for an immune system problem.

          One reason we are having terrible problems with antibiotic resistant bacteria running rampant around the world is partially because of what the OP did. She popped some antibiotics on her own, not having typical symptoms of UTI, without gathering a urine sample first, and without talking to her doctor. Bad bad bad. Because now if she actually does have a UTI and her symptoms get worse, and we try to do a culture then, the culture may not grow out the bacteria properly because she started antibiotics BEFORE gathering urine for a culture sample. So she could get rapidly worse/need stronger antibiotics/we would have to ?guess what antibiotic to use. And from the OPs limited history, she may not have a UTI at all! She was dehydrated (so she needs to drink drink drink) and was starting her period soon. No UTI symptoms! She was in no danger that needed immediate antibiotics. She should have called her primary care doctor (urologist not needed!) for advice, drank drank drank and waited a day or two to see if she actually has ANY SYMPTOMS of a UTI, and only after submitting a urine culture with a doctor’s follow-up on the advice, take antibiotics.

          And if she starts to feel better, and just stops her antibiotics without completing a full course, she is now fostering the development of resistant bacteria in her own body. This means that in the future she might have a more resistant UTI/infection.

          Just ….. not good.

          • Also a biologist

            Fwiw, most OBs in the US will prescribe antibiotics based on symptoms. Mine doesn’t even require an office visit, she’ll do it over the phone if it’s not your first UTI. The urine culture typically takes 24-48 hours (at least) to come back, and they may switch the antibiotic based on that, but you’ve had a couple days of a sub-optimal or sometimes even unnecessary antibiotic before that. So the OP isn’t really doing anything different than what women in the US do – the only difference is that it didn’t take a phone call to her OB.

            I understand the concerns about antibiotic resistance, I really do. I’m cautious about antibiotic use in many situations and have suffered with sinus infections for 3+ weeks before finally agreeing to go on antibiotics. I always took my kids in to the doctor to get their ears checked even when the ped was willing to prescribe antibiotics for a likely ear infection over the phone. But UTIs get really serious really quickly. I posted above but I had one with incredibly mild symptoms (no pain, no burning, just the urge to go more frequently and a slight spasm-y feeling when I peed) and my doctor was floored when she saw the bacterial culture – she couldn’t believe I wasn’t in the hospital with sepsis. Please keep in mind that UTIs almost exclusively affect women. The last thing we need is more women dying or suffering serious health complications because doctors won’t give us antibiotics. Women, especially women of color, being ignored and not taking seriously by doctors is already a huge institutional problem.

      • Anon

        Antibiotics are often also anti-inflammatory, so the fact that they help doesn’t demonstrate that there was a bacterial infection to begin with. I learned this the hard way when a new doctor started actually culturing my UTIs. Now it appears I’ve probably never had a UTI in my life: it was misdiagnosed interstitial cystitis episodes all along. So this wouldn’t have been good for me. Now that I know, I take AZO and drink fluids and have never needed antibiotics. I would feel differently of course if I had a confirmed history of infections and were at risk for kidney infection while waiting for a culture!

      • Anonymous

        This is not an all-over-Europe thing, just some countries. As far as I’ve understood, previous East block countries are more likely to have OTC antibiotics than Scandi or Western Europe, for example.

        I’m in Scandi, and cannot get OTC antibiotics, but it’s possible to get a same day prescription by text message if there’s a history of UTIs.

  16. anon

    So I just called my GYN to schedule an annual exam and her first available appointment is in March. Before I had my kiddo, I just saw my GP for annuals and they were fine; I thought I should probably seen my GYN since she attended my pregnancy but now I’m wondering if there’s any reason why I shouldn’t just go to the GP. Do you see a a GP or a GYN for your annuals? It’s not really time-sensitive (don’t use hormonal BC so don’t have an expiring prescription or anything like that) but I haven’t been to the doctor since my 6-week postpartum visit and figured I should go.

    • Anon

      I see a gyn because I don’t have a PCP. But if you have a PCP, there’s nothing wrong with going to that person for an annual exam.

    • Anon

      I see my GYN annually plus by work pays for a wellness visit with GP. If I had to pick one, it would be GYN because my GP doesn’t do breast exams or pap smears. Several years ago in a similar situation as you (had already seen my GYN for post baby visit), I went back for the annual a few months later and he found a lump in my breast that was a rare kind of tumor! I thought it was just from nursing! So I am
      an advocate of regular exams.

    • Anon

      I don’t think there’s any reason for an annual gyn exam at all now that they’ve changed the guidelines for paps to every 3 or 5 years (unless you’ve had previous positive results and need more frequent follow up). I do see my PCP annually and she does a pap as needed, a general physical exam, renews my maintenance prescriptions, orders lab work, and I just turned 40 so now she also orders my mammograms. I like having an annual exam with her so that I have a regular doctor to go to when things come up, but don’t have kids and won’t so feel no need to see a gyn unless I have a specific concern (I don’t). In my area, it takes 6-8 months to get an appt with a new PCP, so I figure it’s good to have an established relationship with one!

    • Anon

      I’ve always done PCP and only gone to a GYN for follow up after abnormal paps.

    • Anon

      After I was well and truly done with kids, I just started having my GP do my paps and breast exams. One time I had an abnormal pap that in hindsight I’m convinced was a lab error, so I went back to my OB for further testing and closer spaced paps, but when nothing turned up after a couple of years, I went back to having my GP do all my routine gyn work.

  17. transitioning back to the office

    I have $500 to spend at MM LaFleur and I need some workwear. What should I buy? I go in to the office two or three times a month. It’s nicer business casual but definitely not a place where I would wear a suit. Knee high boots with dresses seem to be okay (and since we are still doing lunch and some meetings outdoors, this would be a good way to keep warm!)

    • Anon

      I’d buy a dress you like the shape of and one of their knit jackets. That will probably eat all of your funds but it’s something you’ll get a lot of use out of.

  18. Anonymous

    I am reacting super strongly to something and I either need to be talked off a ledge or told there’s something here.

    DH and I have been married for 14 years. Bunch of kids, generally happy. Our s*x life ebbs and flows and as we round the corner into Solidly Middle Aged, it’s something DH has wanted to make improvements on. We’ve talked about it, and I’m trying. Probably not as hard as he would ideally like, but it’s beyond a middle ground for me.

    Anyway, last week I pointed out he needed to shave before a gathering we had (not rudely- just oh hey don’t forget to leave time to shave!). He told me that he’s decided not to shave.

    And now, he has basically a full mustache/beard. I hate it, it looks terrible. He looks like a homeless person. I don’t want to kiss him or be kissed by him.

    We got into a fight this morning about something small and I just couldn’t deal with standing there looking him in the face and arguing.

    It half bothers me because it looks terrible (note that he’s not trimming or otherwise manicuring. Just full on stopped shaving) and I don’t like the feel of it. But the other half is that *he knows* I hate it. At least I think he does because the last time he stopped shaving on purpose he looked absurd and I complained about it constantly and every once in a while it comes up as a thing I hated. He shaved…infrequently…during COVID but I’m not counting that.

    It’s his body, his choice, I get it. But can/should I bring it up? Is there any way to approach this in a sensitive way? Every time I open my mouth to say something, I know it won’t be nice because I am really upset (that it was just a brushed off oh yeah I’m doing this now even though I know
    You hate it). If it were a “hey so I’m planning to do this and I know you didn’t go for it last time but I’m going to try it again and see” I would feel differently. Is that…insanity? It’s okay if the answer is yes.

    • Griz

      It feels like maybe there is a deeper issue manifesting as this beard issue. That being said, maybe you could suggest that he see a barber? Frame it as a treat for him vs you trying to fix a part of his appearance you don’t like. Perhaps you could also communicate to him why you don’t like it, instead of assuming he knows how you feel. I would talk about why you don’t like it, instead of accusing him of wearing a beard to spite you.

    • Anonymous

      I would let it go. Hopefully it’s a phase or something. My husband sometimes grows out his beard and it looks crazy when he doesn’t shape it. When he goes to the barber and gets a real beard trim it looks nice. I would prefer he only have a mustache and goatee, but it’s not my face. I would hate for my husband to tell me what to do with my hair–on any part of my body…. so I leave this alone. He does occasionally ask whether I think he should shave it or whether I like it and I always make sure to give lots of compliments whenever he keeps it how I like it.

    • Hobie

      I am biased – I like beards, but I like groomed, manicured, cared-for beards.

      I would buy him some beard grooming products (Jack Black beard lube for example). Even the Chrises Evans and Hemsworth spend time/effort on maintaining their beards.

    • Anonymous

      This is not aimed at you but am I the only one that thinks “my body my choice” is cringe worthy outside of a reproductive context? A vaccine mandate or a request to shave facial hair are just not the same as forcing someone to bear a child against her will. I feel like it trivializes an important issue.

    • Anon

      This is responsive, so bear with me. So with the lockdown in March 2020, I stopped coloring my hair. By the time salons opened again, my gray had grown in a bit, and I was intrigued. I have not colored since February 2020. I love my natural hair; I am far from all gray, and the streaky silver works with my coloring. I get compliments every single day. And my husband hates it, and makes negative comments from time to time, and asks when I am going to color it again. I have explained how much I like it, how I enjoy losing the time and financial commitment of coloring, the reactions of others. It makes no difference. His continuing to share his preferences about my appearance does not endear him to me, nor does it improve our relationship, sexual or otherwise. I think you have made your preference known, and you can tell him if something is causing physical discomfort, but otherwise, it’s time to focus on what you like about him, rather than what you dislike.

      • Anonymous

        This is helpful! And I do totally understand that he may like it.

        If you don’t mind my asking, when you decided not to go back to coloring, did you share that? Or just…stop and then when H asked about it you let him know you weren’t going to be doing it?

        Part of it for me is that it is a known thing I don’t like, and normally it would be the level of Things I Don’t Like But Are Happening Anyway that we talk about before/as they are happening. Getting a cat, for example. Or his mother visiting. And there’s also the bit where he’s asked me to try to be better about some stuff in our s*x life and I am! And for a known area he wants to work on…this is just not helping things.

        Anyway, just curious- and thanks for your thoughts!

        • Anon

          Responsive to your questions: I stopped because of the salon closures, and I was not in a hurry to go back to the salon when it reopened because the rate of infection was high and I work in a field where I am bombarded with all the data. By the time I was comfortable going back to the salon, I was intrigued with how the growth was coming in, and wanted to see how it would look with even more growth. I also loved not having to spend the time in the salon except for an occasional haircut, and the financial savings. I explained all of this. It has not made much of a difference. He doesn’t raise it often, but it annoys me each and every time, since I have explained repeatedly.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oof! I feel like this is the right answer, and yet… I feel you, OP. My husband had a beard for a few months immediately pre-COVID after having surgery on his neck, and although I didn’t HATE it, I didn’t like it AT ALL and I was very happy when he shaved it off. But… he strongly prefers that I straighten my curly hair and sometimes I don’t and I would hate it if he complained about it all the time.

        All of which leads me to conclude that Anon at 2:16 p.m. has the right answer. And maybe work on some self talk about how he hasn’t grown a beard AT you.

      • Anonymous

        +1
        I’d be offended as heck if my husband were acting like you about my naturally gray hair that I abruptly decided to stick with mid-pandemic. I’d also probably start to shut down everytime he brought it up.

        at this point, it sounds like you’ve had several go-arounds about the beard so your tone is probably not helping any fruitful discussion. he likes it. he’s doing it. let it go. unless there’s more information you didn’t post, it doesn’t sound like a power trip as mentioned below.

    • carrie

      No, you aren’t insane at all. I would feel exactly the same way.

      BTW – My father did the same thing to my mother and didn’t take care of his beard either and looked like the unibomber or a homeless young santa claus without the twinkling eyes and it killed their already tenuous private life and contributed to the end of their relationship. How I wish I didn’t know that….

    • Anon

      I don’t think it’s silly. My ex used to do things like this as a power trip and was very aware of what he was doing and it’s effect on me. I hated it. This may sound extreme over facial hair, but I would consider counseling, at least for strategies on how to communicate.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe a neutral third party could help? At the start of the pandemic I got really frustrated about taking care of DH, so I stopped. Unfortunately he didn’t step up and take care of himself when I stopped, so he just lost 40 lbs which made him supremely unattractive. It took a good friend of his asking if he was sick and wondering why he was so thin for DH to start feeding himself like a real adult and putting weight back in. The whole situation has caused a lot of harm to our relationship.

    • Anonymous

      If it’s not maintained in any way then I would approach it from a place of concern. Try to think of it as the same level of sensitivity as talking to someone about a big weight gain. “I’m concerned about you and want to help you” not “you’re unattractive to me and that’s a problem you need to fix.”

    • Anonymous

      This is a super strong reaction. I get it; I can have visceral reactions to stuff like this. But the not shaving is layered with a lot of meaning . . . that he doesn’t care about you, won’t communicate with you, is flippant about your feelings, blatantly disregards what is important to you, etc. All of that is what I’d address, not the actual beard. And by “address” I don’t mean, ‘have it out with him,” I mean, “take a long look at what’s going on in your thoughts and feelings, what kind of experiences have backlogged where you also felt like this, how/why it’s all tied into you going the extra mile for him in the intimacy department, etc.” Get a wise friend to help you, if you need to. Then, once you have a better handle on the factors playing into this reaction, talk with him. or get a therapist to help the two of you communicate. But don’t make it about solely about the shaving.

    • Anonymous

      I would just be honest and factual, but not hurtful. Don’t say things when you’re upset. Try “Hey, I don’t really want to kiss right now. Your beard is scratching me” in the moment and “I know you’ve been wanting to spice things up, which is something I want too (note to OP: only if it’s true), but honestly, I find it hard to really get in the mood when your beard is scratching me and bothering me. It’s your beard and your choice, but you should make it knowing that’s the effect it has on me.”

      • anon

        This is how I’d approach it. And, OP, I feel you. My DH grows a beard from November-April every year. It is not my favorite thing at all. I have nothing against beards, but I think he’s way hotter with a smooth face. And he knows it, but he prefers having facial coverage during the winter months. So I mostly let it go, but I’m not shy about telling him if it’s physically bugging me.

      • BelleRose

        First, you can say “if you want to keep the beard, please maintain it”. That’s like not only stopping dying the grays, but not brushing the hair anymore. One is style, one is basic hygeine.
        You also need to mention the effect this is having on your desire, and have him decide if it’s worth it. I like how Anon at 2:36 put it. My DH likes having a beard sometimes and knows that’s fine with me, but he also knows that past a certain point if he doesn’t keep it short, I won’t be kissing him because I don’t like beard hair up my nose. Just like I know that not shaving down *there* is fine, but past a certain point it limits gardening options. Each of us are perfectly able to make choices about our bodies, but have to know how it affects the other and what their response will be.

    • Anon

      Well, I mean women have hair most of us shave – leg hair, armpit hair, down there hair – I would expect my husband to continue to love me if I stopped all that, and he does because I’ve gotten really lax about a lot of it (and I have never regularly shaved “down there” because I get ingrown hairs even thinking about it). I consider his opinion but at the end of the day I’m going to do what I’m comfortable with.

      I think your husband should be open to your opinion but at the end of the day it is his body, and you have to decide whether you love the whole person and can live with it. You cannot demand that he change his appearance and I think being frustrated as hell over it is over the top.

    • Anon

      Generally, I rather dislike the idea of spouses policing each other’s bodies: you married a human, with attendant flaws, and should understand that you don’t have a right to a spouse with a perfectly pleasing body. It’s not reasonable to make your spouse chase eternal youth or a perfect body in the name of having a good marriage.

      That said, I’m a bit worried about the combination of the beard + the problems in your gardening life + him thinking that you’re not doing enough in the bedroom. It seems like the fight isn’t so much about the beard as what each of you expects of the other and what obligations you each think you have to each other.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is a bit unfair. She’s not expecting DH to be “perfect” or to have a “perfect body” – it’s one specific physical thing that is changeable (e.g., a hairstyle rather than body shape) that is bugging her. I don’t know that it means she needs to have a whole big discussion about the marriage.

      • Anon

        Nobody has said they want their spouse to have a perfect body. There’s a long way between perfect body and looking homeless.

        • Anon

          Trust me, plenty of men expect their wives to maintain youthful good looks and pre-baby bodies, despite age, illness, and childbirth. I once dated someone who would bully me if I so much as trimmed my hair. That’s why women feel icky about bringing up things like “your beard is a turn-off;” many of us have spent our entire adult lives having our bodies policed and are reluctant to go down that road, even if it’s justified.

      • Anon

        This is nonsense. It’s not at all like making him “chase eternal youth or a perfect body.” My husband doesn’t care how I styled my hair, but if he told me that a particular style was a big turn off for him and he wanted me to wear it a different way, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I would expect the same from him. I’m kind of shocked some people feel differently, honestly. This is a choice he’s actively making, not something that happened *to* him, like wrinkles or sagging b00bs or weight gain.

      • Anon

        Wow, a lot of kitty-cats got rather upset by some anodyne statements. Care to explain why you’re triggered, or do you just want to scratch away?

    • Anon

      Wow, I didn’t expect to have such a strong emotional response to this post, but something eerily similar happened to me. My (now ex) husband did the same thing. He started working from home (pre Covid) and began growing an unkempt beard. I hated it, and I know exactly what you mean when you say he looked homeless. He also stopped dressing well or making any effort to keep up his appearance. I once posted about here on this board was roundly chastised by a lot of women who thought that looks don’t matter. But you know what? They kind of do. And it doesn’t make you a bad person.

      We had other problems but I really think the lack of physical attraction was a nail in the coffin. You have to talk to him about it. You can’t go through life married to someone who physically turns you off.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with Dan Savage on this (and also strongly, strongly prefer non-bearded men in terms of physical contact):

      Your husband’s body is his, but equally your body is yours, and you get to decide over your body and not kiss him and press your face against his if he has a beard if that gives you discomfort.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions