Coffee Break: Heirloom Claw

160 Comments

1. I just want to say that as a GenX-er, seeing the claw clip back is a bit of a surprise. I never found them attractive or practical (the pain of sitting in a car with one grinding into the back of the head!), but after spending a few nights in a trendy bar full of my city’s hippest young adults, I know that it is back in a big, big way.

   1. I actually saw a Reel on FB that I thought was going to be how to put in your hair clip in a fun exciting way – but it was literally the way everyone uses it. Thanks, featured Reels.

   2. Also a Gen X, and, uhhh, I never stopped wearing them. I wear the smaller ones that are less rectangular than this, more of a square shape.

      1. Ditto, with the 3-pronged ones, in a couple sizes. This is how I keep my hair up in a bun, or out of the way in the shower.

         1. Yes those. Mine are three pronged.

   3. Goody used to make claw clips that were “ouchless” and “headrest-approved” and those were awesome. Sadly, these are no longer available and I am mystified why Goody discontinued them.

   4. as a millennial, that’s basically how I feel about the scrunchie coming back. For some it’s fun and retro, for me it’s a callback to my most fashionably awkward teenage years!

      1. I’ve started using scrunchies willingly because it seems gentler on my fairly thin hair! I agree that I don’t feel like they’re the most fashionable though so its more limited to the gym and quick errands, or at home. Or, my favorite, the subway scrunchie, to be taken off shortly before you reach your destination.

         1. Yes, I’ve been doing a half pony with an invisibobble, and then I use a scrunchie to knot it all up out of the way while I’m on the move.

   5. I think they are practical (especially when I’m sitting at my desk and just need to get my hair out of the way) but as a millennial I’m having a hard time re-adjusting to them being in. I like that they’re back, but they still look dated to me!

   6. After seeing a recent Tik Tok of someone who had a claw clip surgically removed from their head after a car crash, I won’t be wearing these in the car. Not that it was particularly comfortable to lean your head against the headrest with one of these on to begin with.

   7. Gen-Xer with a younger millennial sister. My sister gives me grief about using a hair clip. I think in her view, I’m too old for it. Like, I’m old enough to have done it the first time, so can’t do it this time. I ignore her because I think it’s gentler on my hair than a ponytail holder? I cannot do a scrunchie though. It’s too rufflepuff on me. I’ll leave that to my 10 yo and my millennial sister.

      1. It is gentler. I started using clips instead of hair elastics when my hairdresser noticed breakage.

      2. fashion trends move too fast to go by the old advice about “if you did it the first time you can’t do it this time”!!

2. I am a bit late for the Oscar fashion discussion. My amazement of the night was how Lady Gaga got all of that makeup off in time for her performance, and then was fully dressed and made up not too much later and sitting in the audience.

   There were so many ads last night I expected this to result in an ad for a cleansing balm, and I’d probably buy it.

   Makeup / no makeup aside, I thought her performance was incredible. I don’t love the song but what a talent she is.

   1. I thought that one of the dresses was a clever repurposing of a facemask. I gather now that that was not the case, but thought that Tim “Make it work!” Gunn would approve.

      1. Which dress?

         1. I didn’t think it was well-executed at all (so Tim Gunn would not have approved), but IIRC it was worn by one of the Euphoria actresses. I’m not sure it would be a “dress” if it was needing a top part, but my mom assures me that people (not her) wore topless dresses or sheer-top dresses in the 1970s. [TMI, mom!]

            1. I found it. Hunter Schafer. Wow, that is ugly.

            2. I hate how it looks, but also I would be so cold wearing that!

            3. I mean it’s not boring! Kinda reminds me of a formal version of Keira Knightely’s legendary crop top and super low-rise jeans.

            4. Ridiculous. It might have been okay if it were a sheer or shimmer top that incorporated only the feather for coverage, but as is, it is just absurd and inappropriate in any setting but particularly in a highest-level-of-formality setting. No matter that it is a fashion show, it’s a fashion show with a dress code.

            5. Except the dress was worn to the after party, she wasn’t actually at the Oscars. If you can’t wear a feather as a shirt to the Vanity Fair party, when can you?

3. What are you favorite flats for casual wear and lots of walking? Looking for something a little dressier than sneakers (though I have those) and a little more substantial than rothys. Like a mid-weather equivalent of chelsea boots or sandals with a very low block heel.

   1. Flats are uncomfortable for me, so I don’t wear them in this circumstance. However, loafers might be a good choice. Or, boat shoes (dated for sure, but good for this in-between weather). I’m in PA and pretty much wear boots until its sandals weather.

      What activities are you looking to do in these shoes?

      You mention wanting something dressier than sneakers, what about leather sneakers as opposed to canvas ones? Vejas or Adidas make nice leather sneaker option.

   2. I got these oxfords:

      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/linea-paolo-moira-oxford-flat-women/5753302?color=CREAM+TWO+TONE+SHEEPSKIN&utm_content=46444232823&utm_term=pla-375402272778&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=662927176&adpos=&creative=227727656094&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049880281885&lid=92700049880281885&ds_s_kwgid=58700005465920435&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=375402272778&product_id=32068808&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9003507&targetid=pla-375402272778&campaignid=662927176&adgroupid=46444232823&gclid=Cj0KCQjwk7ugBhDIARIsAGuvgPbZuuQISaCtIlBHkwtZ2szZ6sKEISX2zj0nkob8m7uimo2JNpb2oYMaAlvcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

   3. I don’t know! All the clothes shops here in the U.K. that have full ranges of Chelsea boots etc over the winter have moved completely to sandals and canvas sneakers and it’s like… I have a professional job. I’m Scotland. These are not going to work.

   4. Anything Vionic works well for me. They do run a tad large.

   5. Tods.

4. I used to have a faint unibrow. Then, it seems that that responded very well to plucking. But then my brows continued to recede from the middle out. I’m starting to look a bit . . . odd. I have darker eyebrows and many products I try are either too red, too black, or just not life-like when viewed up close. My social media feeds have lots of products (one looks like mascara, one seems to be a multi-headed marker that draws on in the pattern of fake hair). What actually works well for this problem and medium/dark brown hairs? Not a lot of room for error. Thanks!

   1. Brow gel is works best for me. I use the one from Beauty Pie but the one from Benefit is good too. Go darker than you think – lighter colored brow products tend to go red, a problem I’ve run into in the past.

      1. Oh, if you’re saying you’re missing brow hairs entirely, then micro blading is really the way to go. Choose someone who does a very natural look and not “sharpie brows.” They should have an online portfolio of their work. The person I went to for mine has an Instagram page.

   2. Benefit precicely my brow pencil
      Try warm deep brown or natural deep brown

   3. Wondering how old you are? When my eyebrows started to thin from the middle out, I just figured this was ?normal for age. Maybe it started in my 40’s. I am hairy, with thick eyebrows and also need to pluck constantly. So maybe the thinning was dramatic to me, but less so to others…. but pretty striking in pictures because I wasn’t drawing the eyebrows in.

      Anyway, years later I noticed that my hairline was starting to recede in a way not is not typical for normal hair loss/aging. A dermatologist diagnosed me with frontal fibrosing alopecia, which requires a different treatment or overtime you can loose your eyebrows, eyelashes and your hair falls out and your hairline marches backwards. It can start slowly and then speed up.

      Anyway, so I am getting it treated now. So if you notice your front hairline thinning/marching back, try to see a dermatologist.

      And I recently got boy brow to try. It has a touch of color. I have a mixture of hair colors in my brows, which are darker, and honestly the few color choices they have are not that flattering/too severe/too monochrome, so I try to use as little as possible. So I’m still sorting that out.

   4. I just use a drugstore pencil. I’m a dark brunette with nearly non-existent brows, so I’ve been coloring them in since 8th grade. I started out using an eyeshadow made for brows with a little brush (I think vintage Cover Girl). In college, I moved to Lancôme after they did my makeup once and it looked perfect. They finally discontinued that pencil about 5 years ago, and I ended up with a $4 waxy pencil from Avon that’s easy to apply and doesn’t budge after trying a few different ones from the drugstore.

      My hair’s very dark brown, my eyes are visibly brown (not black), and I have light olive skin. I use Brunette in case you’re interested.

      https://www.avon.com/product/fmg-glimmer-brow-definer-57692

      (It says it’s $9 today – I stock up when it goes on sale for $4.)

      1. That product has a very nice assortment of colors. Thanks for the link!

   5. Are the actual hairs disappearing, or just graying so they are invisible? I have the latter and dye.

   6. I’m late to comment but I find that as I get older I need several brow products to achieve the look I want. If I just do brow mascara they don’t look dark enough because there aren’t as many hairs. If I just do pencil they look flat and one dimensional. So I do both.

5. I unfortunately saw a mouse twice in my apartment this morning. I’m terrified of all rodents.

   I’ve ordered mouse poison and the plug ins and let my super know so the next time they do preventative pest control they can up the ante. I don’t do traps because I then have to deal with the trapped mouse (I live alone).

   I already kept a clean kitchen and kept all unopened food either in the fridge or in plastic containers; no produce on the counter or opened bags of pretzels not in a container, for example.

   I have seen no mouse droppings or anything that the mouse has eaten, which makes me hopeful. We’ve had some dreadful weather lately, so I guess it was looking to get out of the cold and rain. I am the only person on my floor without a pet, which I guess made my apartment the attractive one.

   I think I have covered my bases but checking in to see what else I can do to make my apartment as unappealing as possible and get this mouse to move out!

   1. I had old coworkers who swore by scented dryer sheets stuffed into the nooks and crannies where they can get in (and they can squeeze through a hole the size of a pencil!). We also had good results from products with peppermint oil in them. IIRC we got a peppermint spray from Tractor Supply, but you could maybe just get away with an essential oil or something. Commiseration – there’s nothing worse!

      1. Yes – I bought some peppermint spray on Amazon today. I had previously used steel wool to plug up anywhere they could get through (in previous apartments) but I still can’t find where they’re coming from in this one.

      2. Rats got into my house via my dryer vent and proceeded to make a lovely nest in my bbq grill out of dryer sheets, so I’m not sure they’re much of a deterrent, LOL.
         I would get rid of the poison. In order to be effective, the rodent must eat it, which means they must find it tasty, which means you are attracting them *in* to your apartment.
         Check your baseboards, etc, carefully as Vicky mentioned, and seal up any openings.

   2. Ugh mice are the worst! If by plug-ins you mean those ultrasonic noisemakers, I found them to be pretty effective in my garage. I don’t know that their range is very big so maybe buy more than you think you need.

      1. Yes, that’s what I meant! I had them three apartments ago (unfortunately, wherever I go the mice seem to follow!) and they worked really, really well. Did not work nearly as well in my last apartment, but I hope they’ll be effective again here!

   3. Please, please, please don’t use mouse poison. You could be killing your neighbor’s pets, as well as hawks, owls, and anything else that eats the poisoned mice. It’s a gruesome awful way to die.

      1. I live in an urban environment so we have no wild life and all cats are indoor cats / no one’s dog is eating anything off of the street.

         1. If the mice are in your apartment, there’s no reason why they can’t get into your neighbor’s. Dying mice are easy prey.

            1. My dog would eat any mouse that entered our home faster than I could get it away from her.

         2. I have seen red tailed hawks soaring between buildings in midtown. We do have wildlife everywhere. Please don’t use poisons.

      2. Fair – how else do you recommend getting ride of them?

         1. Traps. Exterminator. Inspection of the apartment to find the cracks they are coming through.

            1. She already said she can’t use traps. Living in a building, it might be hard to get an exterminator (and if you only treat one apartment, but they’re living next door it doesn’t do much good).

            2. Won’t, not can’t – OP, this is one where you might just need to be brave and deal with a trapped mouse.

            3. +1. Mice are gross but they are tiny and harmless especially when stuck in a trap. Maybe your super can remove the trapped mice for you.

            4. She can and should use traps and call an exterminator not wait around until the next time they come. Don’t kill other creatures because you don’t like dealing with mice.

            5. Definitely ask your super – all my advice is relevant to living in the boonies and marching straight out to the dog poop bin in my dedicated Mouse Gloves every time we caught a mouse! But this is what a super is for. Or, heck, even a neighbor might be able to tell you what they do for mice (if my big rowdy Lab didn’t preclude us from a mouse problem, it’s possible your neighbors have seen them too!).

         2. You can buy traps on Amazon where the mouse is entirely contained within the trap, reducing your exposure to the mouse. Whatever you do, don’t get glue traps as the mouse won’t die and you’re left to deal with it.

         3. I have cats :-)

            But before I had cats, a couple snap traps for a few weeks always solved my problems. You can also hire a professional to work on sealing cracks and come up with a plan. There can be a very limited role for poisons, but only by someone who knows what they’re doing and after everything else has failed. And I’d definitely let your pet owning neighbors know if you have to resort to that.

            1. I actually had almost adopted a cat this summer – kicking myself for not doing so!

         4. Try the Tomcat Kill and Contain mousetraps. They fully contain the dead mouse, and there’s a little lever on the side that shows you it’s worked. Much easier than dealing with a snap trap, and they work better too because there’s no way for a crafty mouse to get to the bait without being killed.

      3. Don’t use mouse poison. You don’t want dead mice decomposing in your walls.

   4. My hard and fast NYC roach rule is to take the garbage out every evening before going to bed. Annoying but combined with the measures you already mentioned totally works on roaches. Maybe try that too?

      1. Ah that’s a great suggestion, thanks

   5. I wouldn’t poison them. Aside from the potential harm to pets, what happens if the mouse dies in your apartment? If you can’t deal with a trapped mouse, a dead mouse outside of a trap is worse. And what if it dies in the walls? The smell is terrible.

   6. If you pull out your stove or other appliances you might get lucky and find a gap in the wall where the mice are coming in. The hole might be really tiny, even 1/4 inch. Stuff the hole(s) with steel wool.

      1. OP, it’s okay to read this advice and just think it’s not possible for you. My apartment building is 130 years old and is more hole than wall in places. Hence my ‘trying to accept that they will pass through’ strategy!

         1. This is actually such a helpful comment, thank you. I usually end up feeling bad when I can’t do everything, but also I live in a building almost as old as yours so agreed, that is not very feasible!!

   7. I also live in an apartment and also hate them. I put poison bait in humane mouse traps – so they’re contained in the little plastic jail until they’re dead and I don’t have to deal with mouse guts the way you might have to with a snap trap (I grew up with a cat who used to leave me ‘presents’). My very lovely next door neighbour sometimes helps me dispose of them – I bought her sugar mice to say thank you after the first time!
      What I try to do is just accept that they will pass through my flat on their way up and down the building, and pretend not to be aware of them. I probably see about three or four a year?? When I do see them I also pop a note on the main door downstairs to ask everyone to be extra clean for a couple of weeks, just to encourage the mice to move on to the block next door – but there are probably 80 flats all joined together along my road so there will inherently always be nice somewhere…

      1. Yes, I live in an old building in the middle of a city so I know they’re going to pop up here and there. I’ve just been lucky enough to have roommates in the past who can assist.

   8. dip cotton balls in peppermint oil and stuff them everywhere. I swear it works!

   9. Ask your landlord to deal with it, first. They should come and check the apartment (especially baseboards, and under sinks and in cabinets) for holes and plug all.

      Then I would buy the high frequency sound emitters. You can get them on Amaz0n. My local hardware store experts never steer me wrong and told me to get these when we had the problem and INSTALL THEM CORRECTLY. Read the directions, one in every main room, not blocked by any furniture etc…

      Ask your landlord to deduct the cost from your next month’s rent.

      They worked well in my smaller space.

   10. This is the contraption you need. Bait it with a little peanut butter. When the mouse is trapped inside, the lever pops up and you can’t see it.

       https://www.amazon.com/Tomcat-Kill-Contain-Mouse-2-Pack/dp/B00N6XKV4I/ref=asc_df_B00N6XKV4I/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167137474498&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9585322400305586942&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003650&hvtargid=pla-310328246137&psc=1

       1. My grandma-in-law swears by a halved Reese’s thin for mouse bait. Bonus, you get to keep Reese’s around.

       2. I fully recognize that my fear is irrational, but even being that close to a mouse, completely hidden in a trap is something I can’t handle.

          Ironically, I have no issues dealing with bugs, spiders, centipedes, snakes, etc. in my apartment but if there’s a bird or a rodent I can’t handle it. I have several times climbed a fence and trekked through a back alley that wasn’t really passable to avoid a dead mouse or bird by my front door.

          1. If you had to, I trust you could and would figure it out. Or borrow a friend’s cat for a few days. The deterrent effect is real.

          2. This really sounds like the kind of situation where you should try to call in help if you can. Talk to your landlord first, and if they don’t do anything and you still have a problem, get a professional. Or get a good friend or neighbor to help with traps. I’m the cat owner who asked you not to use poison, but if I was your neighbor, I’d definitely come empty your traps for you! Good luck!

             1. Thank you – I will ask around!

   11. Set your traps in an enclosed box – the ones that soda come in work well. When the trap goes off, you just have to dispose of the box. Also, palace them among a wall – rodents scurry along walls and don’t tend to cross open spaces. But yes – there are doubtless predators like birds and wild cats who would be killed painfully by a dead or ill mouse. And though I do my best, my on-leash dog gets at things before I can pull her away. And dead mice in your walls…. Please, don’t use a poison.

   12. There are mouse traps that are opaque, so you cannot see the mouse once it is trapped. You snap the lid back on and throw it away. On Am@zon, search for Victor M250S Indoor Electronic Humane Mouse Trap – No Touch, No See Electric Mouse Trap and you will see that one as well as others. We have used them and they are effective and I like not having to deal with seeing the dead mouse. Much better than poison!

6. Long torso sisters, where are you buying jumpsuits? I’m 5’8” with an extremely long torso (and very long rise) and I’m striking out. I have a Wild Fang boiler suit I want to love but the torso (33” per product details) is just a little too short in my size (larger size would be too big overall). And many jumpsuits are just totally unworkable. Ideas?

   1. Old Navy has jumpsuits in tall sizes.

   2. I’m not buying jumpsuits, is the answer! Dungarees are okay because I can let the shoulder straps all the way out, but that’s it for me. Sorry to be unhelpful there

   3. Agree w Ribena. Also, when I tried overalls, I think it emphasized that I have short legs compared to my torso. So just not a flattering style.

   4. I’m not wearing them, for this reason. Also 5’8″ with a long torso and rise. Same reason why I have given up on one-piece swimsuits. Many brands that carry long torso suits do not accommodate me well, to say the least. J Crew, cough, cough.

   5. I got a very loose, flowy one from Banana Republic. I am high waisted, 5′ 7″ (that’s what you mean, yes?)

      The very structured, cotton, simple ones that are sometimes posted here would never work for me.

      1. I always thought that high-waisted was a short torso.

         1. I wondered about this too.

            But doesn’t it depend where the waist in the item of clothing is supposed to fall?

            For women, it is dramatic how different low/medium/high rise waists can look on different women depending upon whether your waist is naturally high or low and the size of your rear. It is complicated engineering!

   6. Thanks ladies. I was hoping there was some magic solution. In my experience old navy talls are mostly longer in the legs, sadly.

      1. I used to get tall sizes from Athleta and Boden.

   7. Did you try the Wild Fable boiler suit in the larger size? I dozed up in a Universal Thread one two years ago for the same issue and thought the slightly slouchier fit was cute.

      1. Unfortunately the “regular” size is already pretty slouchy! I think a size up would be way too big, and the torso is only one inch longer.

7. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have been with my boyfriend for several years, and recently have started having intrusive thoughts about love not being real / what even is love / if my partner isn’t constantly thinking about me it doesn’t count / if I’m not thinking about them, it’s not real. We’ve been long distance for about two months, and he’s coming back on Saturday. I’m thinking maybe part of it is like a reaction to not being in contact a lot and being so far away, and having it hard to identify what tangible things there are to grab onto. We had been having conflict as well, and I became really aware of the fact that he could leave me and I could leave him. Before, I was sort of sinking into things with the thought of this is my forever-person/soulmate, and I’m so lucky to have him and think about how much I love him constantly. I feel like I have a healthier perspective now, and think about him less, but then I am feeling now like, if love isn’t control and possession and obsession, what is it? I want to let go of those impulses in myself, but I’m also struggling in their absence to figure out what to hold onto.

   I know this is rambling and I know there is a ton of distorted thinking here. I just wish I could feel and see things the way others do, because I am getting kind of anxious and sad about relationships generally and feeling like this thing I valued so much (love) no longer seems real or tangible.

   1. I think you need to talk to a therapist. But it also sounds like what seems to be a long-distance and low contact relationship is not right for you, and that’s ok too. It wouldn’t work for most people.

   2. This isn’t directly a response to your post, but it made me think about how pop culture more often portrays relationship dynamics that can be problematic in the long run, than stable, healthy (boring) ones. So it’s easy to feel like you are doing it wrong because it doesn’t resemble stuff you see getting attention around you.

   3. Therapy. As someone who has been with my DH for 20 years through lots of ups and downs and long distance periods, love doesn’t need to be obsessive and all consuming to endure.

      Every day the other person or anyone you love like a parent could die in a car crash or leave you in some other way. But you can’t live your life dreading the day that your loved one is no longer with you. As the Queen said – grief is the price we pay for love.

      Romantic love is no better or worse than any other kind of love. Marriage isn’t just about romantic love, it’s about building a life together and choosing to build that every day even when it’s hard or tiring. It’s a bridge that must be built from each side everyday. Some days you just sit on the shore with a pile of rocks and trust that your partner will build to you, and some days you do that for them.

      1. This is absolutely right and so we’ll said.

   4. Can I recommend you the book Overthinking About You by Allison Raskin? I am single at the moment but found it incredibly insightful about the way that our brains can be unhelpful in dating and relationships

   5. “If love isn’t control and possession and obsession, what is it?” I will let the wise ladies of the Hive weigh in, but only in the past few years have I realized that my answer to this question is “love is when the other person being themselves & you being yourself creates contentment for both of you.”

      1. This. I did not understand until I met my partner (and I was married before). We make each other a priority, but are definitely independent partners who are choosing to love each other through ups and downs and build a life together.

         When we first got serious I think I felt how you do now, and it caused me to go back to therapy and find strategies to manage my anxious attachment style. Now, a few years later, I still feel butterflies, but also love and know him on a much deeper level than that, and am happy to make space for both of us to grow within our relationship (and so is he).

   6. “if love isn’t control and possession and obsession, what is it?”

      Literally the opposite of that?

   7. I also suggest exploring these feelings with a therapist. I had some unhealthy ideas about love/relationships in the past. For me, love was synonymous with longing – i.e., wanting something/someone but not fully having them. Love felt like the anxiety and sadness of not having them and the elation and thrill of having them. “Not fully having them” could have meant a long distance relationship (so never feeling like we were seeing each other enough), not enough commitment, relationships with men who I couldn’t really date (like a coworker, for example), or relationships with an there was an end date. Basically, I associated the feeling of wanting someone with “love” so much that I still get thrown off when I can actually “have” someone I love. Like, if I’m not craving your presence all the time, do I even love you? Yes. It just feels different.

8. I’m feeling overwhelmed (not by anything in particular, just that the to do list is never ending!) and feel like I need some sort of a break and a fresh start. I think I get “antsy” as the seasons change (even though sadly its still very cold, grey, and rainy here so it doesn’t feel like spring is coming).

   I’m child free, single but dating, and live alone. While work is very overwhelming and very busy right now, but life isn’t all that crazy (I can’t imagine adding in young kids to the mix!). On the plus side, all I have to do is take care of myself. On the negative side, since I live alone I have to handle everything by myself.

   Any ideas of what I could do this week or over the weekend to feel refreshed and like I have a fresh start?

   1. The Spring Equinox is next Monday. Maybe some kind of ritual to lean into that? I’m doing 108 sun salutations at a yoga studio and find it’s a really good thing to get me over the hump of seasons. Alternatively there are some good YouTube 108 practices that I’ve used before. If yoga isn’t your thing, maybe some other kind of Spring Equinox ritual.

      If that’s not your thing, new bedding. For years and years I’ve stuck to white sheets and blue, grey or tan comforters, but this spring I really mixed it up and I’m so excited for my new spring bedding I just got in the mail. The sheets and two pillowcases are Myla Floral, which is bluebirds with white and yellow flowers. Two other pillowcases are blue that match the bluebird color perfectly. The duvet cover is the windowpane plaid in navy. I think I”ll probably add a bright yellow throw.

      Spring cleaning is a thing because it’s refreshing once it’s done – maybe clean out the kitchen drawers? or your closet? If you have art you haven’t hung, hang it. I procrastinate painting rooms big time, but am always so happy when they’re done – so that’s another possibility too if you have a room to paint.

      1. I meant to add that my bedding is from the company store – that’s why I named the pattern, in case anyone wanted to go look. I always love going to look what all of you all are buying. :)

      2. Thank you! I”m not into yoga, but my aunt is and I very occasionally join her for a class (it feels so good after! I just get bored during!) and then grab lunch or something fun!

         I love the idea of some fun, floral bedding. Unfortunately, that’s not really in my budget right now but maybe I can get a fun floral dishtowel or something

   2. I find a swim, especially on a Sunday afternoon or a Monday morning, can do the job. Somehow it feels ‘cleansing’ and renewing

      1. Oh I love that idea! Unfortunately, there are quite literally no indoor pools in my area! My friends and I do are all hobby triathletes and we have all shared our struggles about finding a pool to join for training and it is so hard!!!

   3. What about a big physical adventure, like a hike? Or a new class on pottery or something similar? I think that new physical adventures can be really invigorating.

      1. Totally agree! Unfortunately my hike planned for this past weekend was rained out. Maybe next weekend will be more successful!

   4. When I feel overwhelmed like this, I find the most helpful thing is to actually get organized and attack the to do list. Perhaps sit down tonight or tomorrow night and think through your entire to do list. Like mine all corners of your life, home, and other possessions (e.g., car, bike, whatever) and think through what needs doing for each. Then, put priorities next to each (numbers or now/soon/later) and, if there is a cost associated with the fix, ballpark that, too, so you can budget. Once you’ve done that, think through how you can group those tasks into chunks to improve efficiency and get some momentum quickly. Assign a time to take care of them. For example, plan a route by which you can most efficiently run a series of errands together. If you can then knock those all out on Saturday, I think you will probably feel better. And if there are online tasks, set aside a workday evening to knock those all out together. Similarly, if you need to organize your home, think through if there is a congestion point in the house that makes it harder to organize and clean other rooms. For me, the example was a second bedroom that I had simply used for storage of things and, somehow, also as a cramped and nearly inaccessible office space, during the pandemic. (I hope you don’t have this level of inconvenience in your house, but I know I am not alone in having a room like this.) Attacking it seemed overwhelming, but ultimately it was easier to fix than I had thought and once I did it, I could see how to address other issues to better organize and utilize my home.

   5. For a mini celebration: tomorrow is pi day. Eat pie!

9. Personally impacted by bank failures over the weekend, my very-close to retirement dad works there (not a manager or anything high-level, just a normal employee) and will very likely lose his job. As much as I’m sure he wants to just retire, he was hoping for another year of saving and just getting life in order. This was so unexpected. I that the government ousted the senior management and will make the people who had money there whole, but what about the people who just worked there? They didn’t do anything to deserve this either.

   1. It was really jarring for me to see so many Tweets this weekend (before we knew that the government would make SVB’s clients whole) basically saying that everyone got what they deserved… what about the average employees in the bank and also in the companies that use the bank? I saw a lot of Tweets about elitist tech workers making $$$ but that’s not everybody impacted. It was really upsetting to see, because for every VC funded founder tech member of the elite there are how many more housekeeping staff and admins and whoever else is there not making $$$$$ tech money (let alone the accountants or payroll or compliance people – aka people with regular non-tech jobs working in tech, they might be making more than a non-tech payroll staff, but they’re not making computer science money).

      Even trickle down – how many housekeepers or nannies or other household staff are impacted by their employers losing their jobs?

      I feel for your dad! If he can’t find a similar job to what he’s doing now at a different bank or at a company, could he get a “retirement job” for a few years? It won’t bring in the same money that a full time job in his career path would, but it would mean he’d have a few more years where he’s not dipping into savings? My friends and I refer to “retirement jobs” as a part time (or full time!) job you have that’s for fun – maybe it’s reffing or coaching a sport you enjoy, being a Walmart greeter, joining the paid staff of whatever charity you volunteer at, being a crossing guard, being the clerk and the parks & rec office renting tennis courts, whatever it is. It’s not really enough to live on, but it does pay a little so you can still have some income coming in before you’re totally retired?

      1. OP, sorry about your dad’s job. That sucks, and it sounds really stressful

         On the bigger question of the negative effects on regular employees — unfortunately that’s true of any failing industry or company, there are a lot of folks who haven’t done anything wrong, who get the short end of the stick. All in all, even losing his job, George Becker is a lot richer than most of the regular workers at svb-deposit companies will ever be. So I don’t think the impact on regular workers is a legitimate reason to bail out SVB, but I’d much rather see more robust safety nets for all workers than see workers used as a cudgel to push for policy that still disproportionately benefits the VCs who invested in all these companies

   2. That stinks for him! At the very least I imagine he would qualify for unemployment benefits, and perhaps the staff will stay intact to wind down SVB/Signature? I remember reading that some staff of FTX were kept on after the failure to help the government unwind it and assist in the legal cases, so maybe the banks will be the same way. Best of luck to him!

   3. I’m so sorry for your dad. Mine had something similar happen to him – his company had layoffs a few years before he would have hit retirement. He also had some company stock that, due to the circumstances leading to the layoffs, became virtually worthless. He looked and looked, but no one was interested in hiring him at his age given that it was 2009 and there were a million other candidates who were younger.

      My takeaway from his situation was to plan my own retirement savings around retiring earlier than I actually think I will. There is so much you don’t control as an employee. It really left me jaded about employers doing the right thing. Maybe you get lucky and you have a lovely retirement party at 65, but it’s just as possible that your employer tells you to F off at 61.

10. My law firm asked for input about internal women events for attorneys, future summer associates, etc. — as in, what kind of events we would attend and support. I’m curious about others’ thoughts – have you attended any events like this that were a hit? Any you hated? This is for a group of 10-15.

    1. We did a fancy spa afternoon, with one service, massage or facial or mani pedi covered by my company. They effectively bought out the spa, so it was only colleagues in all the amenities and company also provided light snacks. men were also allowed to join but it was clearly being offered to counter balance all the sporting events. It was fantastic. Also confirmed that a $400 massage is really not that different from a $150 one! We also do a lot of boutique fitness classes, sometimes through the women’s group, sometimes open to all.

       1. Good for you, if it’s your cup of tea, but this sounds like hell.

    2. what’s the goal? Networking within the firm (helping to cross-sell to clients)?

       I disliked many “Women Events” at my firm because they were essentially Mommy Events talking about childcare issues and how the firm supported emergency daycare, what the maternity leave policy was, whether to do a reduced schedule for balance or not, etc. Which, while relevant to many, are something that would have gone over better had they included the fathers.

       1. OP here – yes, the goal is internal networking. Less client-focused, more on building relationships and mentorship/support (informal and formal).

       2. +1 As a junior associate, I hated the Mothers-In-Law events. I didn’t have children then, don’t have children ten years later, and nothing they discussed had any relevance to me. Not coincidentally, none of the female associates in my class stayed with the firm long enough to take maternity leave because, on average, we came in at 25 or 26 and were gone by the time we were 30. If your lens for taking care of female employees only addresses balancing work with parenthood, then you aren’t addressing the needs of your junior colleagues.

    3. Spa afternoon at a fancy hotel! Everyone gets to choose a treatment, then enjoy food & drinks

       1. We did a ladies spa day at my former firm and the men complained that they were not invited. We just can’t win.

    4. I hated them all. I want to be invited to the events the men attend and be meaningfully included in those.

       1. Well, to try to be helpful, my favorite such event was tea at a fancy hotel near the office that had no agenda. It was almost as fun as the practice group holiday meal at a restaurant that included everyone.

    5. Just don’t be my old firm, where such events included “floral arrangements”, “new trends in makeup”, and some kind of mindfulness workshop (which was ok I guess, but kind of said if you’re stressed, you should manage your stress better). When I suggested workshops more geared to succeeding in a male dominated profession, I was told the committee “wasn’t political”. Ugh.

    6. I remember years ago where Paul Weiss (or Weil Gotshal? Hmn) had networking events at Henri Bendel… nice. A lot of museums also do amazing cocktail events, although that group may be a bit small for it. But you could definitely do a private tour then drinks.

    7. In my field, we had great success for a lunch series where a different speaker (woman) was invited/introduced at each one and gave some intro talk about their work/career path and usually with a brief presentation about a useful topic / learning point and then a question/answer session. During the end discussion, they answered questions about anything, and we often got into very useful life/career management discussions. It was great for networking, finding potential mentors and was a free lunch.

       By far the most useful woman focused activity in the workplace I have had. A spa day? I mean… that is not how I want to spend my work time with work colleagues… and to have my male colleagues know we are wasting a day that way. Although it sounds better than work, sure. But I agree with the other posters that I would stay away from silly, stereotypically feminine sorts of activities.

    8. counterpoint – at my old firm, they organized a golf event to help women learn to network. I think that was dumb. You’re not going to be networking with men the way that men do. If you already happen to be good at golf, maybe, but it goes against being authentic. I would never learn to pick up golf to network. Nothing could be more lame.

       We had a wine tasting which i really enjoyed. but i acknowledge it was probably exclusionary of women who doesn’t drink but i think that would be the case for any event revolved around a particular activity.

    9. This sounds like torture to me and I would skip it if allowed, and be “sick” if not. Who is asking for this????

    10. Absolutely not to a spa day. How about a wine and cheese tasting?

    11. I feel like this is really hard to do without leaning into cringey sexist stereotypes. Spa day, mani/pedis, arts n crafts, boutique shopping – BARF. No law firm in 2023 should be endorsing the idea that “X [legally protected class of people] really likes [stereotypical activity associated with that group]!”

        That is to say, just have a normal lunch or happy hour and only invite the women.

        1. +1

           Source: my small town has regular lawyer ladies lunches. I used to feel bad about leaving out the one male lawyer in my office, and then i realised that men never consider whether they’re excluding women.

    12. I’ve seen this go poorly at two companies now.

        First was where the event turned into “yoga retreat where we hand out cheap lip gloss” while the regular events are all topic-focused. Don’t dumb things down or resort to feminine stereotypes if that’s never done for guys.

        Second was worse–in an effort to get the most attendees, they did a “separate but not equal” approach where time is taken away from larger events happening and narrows networking opportunities, i.e., lunch networking that pulls you away from larger networking lunch or a pre-conference breakfast that pulls you away from meeting with clients.

        I would caution that anything fun should not conflict with other business opportunities taking place and also include a peppering of substance.

11. I’m usually good at not comparing myself to others, but this week I’m really feeling down. I’m 29 and it feels like everyone is suddenly getting engaged or getting married, buying houses, taking fabulous vacations, able to buy themselves pretty much whatever they want, getting promotions or raises, etc. etc. None of those things are happening for me. I’m dating but still single, I make way less as everyone I know since I’m a teacher (which I do love, but I can’t take vacations or save for a downpayment or buy myself fun clothes or anything) and it’s just a bummer.

    I go back and forth quite frequently about should I leave teaching or not. I love what I do and eventually when I have kids it is very family friendly (my mom is a teacher and confirms it is a great career as a parent) but I’m really, really feeling the financial fall out of this choice. If I switched schools, I might make another 2-8k a year but nothing noticeable, so in order to make a more lucrative salary I’d have to leave teaching which would definitely make me sad. But, I”m also constantly stressed about money. I do owe my current school 2 more years of teaching, since they funded my graduate degree. If I left before then I’d owe them 25k, which I do not have in savings. So, even if I do decide to leave teaching I can’t do it yet.

    But, I also don’t think this is about teaching. It’s just having a weekend where it feels like I witnessed everyone I know make a big step in their life and I am not. I have great friends, I’m close with my family and see them frequently, I love my job (besides the pay!) and I have hobbies and things that do usually make me feel enriched, but there are just weeks like this week where I feel like I”m working hard and doing everything right and still barely keeping my head above water while my friends are all engaged homeowners making 2x what I am and still getting promoted.

    1. Ugh sorry you’re feeling this way, girl! We all have moments like this, including the people you’re comparing yourself to right now. There is no race in life or right or wrong way. The best path is the one that feels true to you and authentically what you want, if you cut out the noise.

       There are a couple of journaling exercises that help me in moments like this:
       1) Write out the things you love about yourself, what you love about your life, what you’re grateful for, the ways in which you’re proud of how you’ve grown. Think of all the great things about yourself and your life and add texture and color to them.
       2) Write down what your values are, and what matters to you most in life. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing to other people, only to take a step back and realize the life they’re choosing doesn’t align with your values at all. For example, I had a period where I wanted to be an investment banker because I envied the money and status. But when I stepped back, I realized I don’t value money or status, and I don’t want to care about what people who do think.
       3) What do you really want for yourself? Write out your deepest desires, free of shame or ‘shoulds’ or other people’s thoughts, or limiting beliefs. How can you get even a step warmer toward those things?
       4) Write out what things are feelings, what are facts, and what actions you can take for each. Do you want to go on more dates? Do you feel like you’re already dating as much as you want to? In the latter case, then trust that you’re doing what you need to get what you want, and don’t worry about the rest. It will happen! Love takes time to find, but once you have a relationship, it will be like you never didn’t have it. Same with teaching. You can’t quit your job for 2 years, so no need to feel bad about your finances in the meantime. You’re right on track, doing exactly what you need to do and where you need to be. If you want to change jobs in 2 years, what steps can you start taking to put yourself on that path? What are things that might interest you? I’d think about babysteps: reaching out to peers to learn about their jobs, researching job types and salaries, scrolling through LinkedIn to see people whose careers you admire and how they got there. It sounds like you love teaching – maybe map out your financial goals and see if it’s feasible to make it work long-term as a teacher. You don’t have to save for retirement since you have a pension, which is a huge bonus that a lot of people don’t acknowledge. Also, money for money’s sake is a losing battle – figure out how much you need in order to have the life you want, and then figure out if you can make that amount as a teacher. If you can, don’t worry about how much other people have.

       Last thing: as you get older, life is full of a lot of difficult moments that no one escapes unscathed from. Everyone is human. Many of your married friends will get divorced and wind up single while you might be with someone. Others may lean out of work to stay at home with kids, or go into lower paying passion fields. There’s no finish line. Do what you love and what matters to you – that is all that really matters.

       1. I think this is great advice. Emphasis on the values thing.

          1. Yes – thinking of values is a great way to frame it. I absolutely value being in a helping career over a lucrative one.

       2. Thank you – this is a very helpful exercise and I definitely plan on thinking through these topics and writing out my answers tonight with a glass of wine.

          Just at a quick glance – I know I care way more about having a career that helps people and a career I enjoy / am passionate about than having lots of money. I went into my profession knowing it’s not high paying but it’s rewarding. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t suck from time to time when I’m pinching pennies and my friends are not. I actually work in an independent school (which is the right choice for me, at least right now!) so no pension, but I am contributing to retirement and have been since I started working.

          I usually teach summer school, coach, or lifeguard in the summers but I will look for a summer job this summer that could potentially open other doors for me. I’ll be able to quit in June 2024, so I can either decide to stay put, look for a different teaching job to start in September 2024 or transition out of teaching that summer.

          I’m dating about as much as I’d want to right now (I usually go on a date every week… it’s just a manner of time until one of these dates is with the right person… or so I hope!).

          1. These are all great reflections! Depending on your state, you might want to look into switching to public school teaching. Both my parents were teachers in California, and have been able to retire really comfortably with the pensions. Since they didn’t have to save for retirement on a monthly basis, that also helped with monthly expenses. My stepmom’s gross pay as a kindergarden teacher is $105,000, when they factor in the pension contribution and everything else.

       3. OP here – comment stuck in mod so reposting, but I really want to thank you for this very thoughtful and helpful response.
          —-
          Thank you – this is a very helpful exercise and I definitely plan on thinking through these topics and writing out my answers tonight with a glass of wine.

          Just at a quick glance – I know I care way more about having a career that helps people and a career I enjoy / am passionate about than having lots of money. I went into my profession knowing it’s not high paying but it’s rewarding. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t suck from time to time when I’m pinching pennies and my friends are not. I actually work in an independent school (which is the right choice for me, at least right now!) so no pension, but I am contributing to retirement and have been since I started working.

          I usually teach summer school, coach, or lifeguard in the summers but I will look for a summer job this summer that could potentially open other doors for me. I’ll be able to quit in June 2024, so I can either decide to stay put, look for a different teaching job to start in September 2024 or transition out of teaching that summer.

          I’m dating about as much as I’d want to right now (I usually go on a date every week… it’s just a manner of time until one of these dates is with the right person… or so I hope!).

       4. Such a thoughtful and helpful response, thank you

    2. I’m 37 and feel the exact same way. No advice, just commiseration.

       1. 34 and could have written this same thing. It sucks, and I am right here in the sucky part with you.

       2. Ugh – don’t wish this feeling on anyone but at least there’s solidarity

    3. You have a great job you love, you’re close to satisfying your commitment…. hang in there! You are luckier than you think. I would kill to have a teacher’s pension/healthcare/retirement, and possible family friendly flexibility. Unfortunately, it is not where my talents or love lie. I hope you can stick with it. It is so important.

       Unfortunately, you will always notice more the ones who are living large than the ones that aren’t. And you never know how in debt they are. And I hear kids can be a handful ;)

       Life is unfair. Life goals as a single are much harder to reach than as a couple. It’s ok to bummed about this. You’re not alone. But your freedom…. is priceless. Starting doing some tutoring on the side, and plan $$$ making options for your summer/holidays and start building up a cushion. You got this.

       1. Thanks for the comment. I unfortunately don’t have a pension as I work for an independent school (which is the right setting for me!) but I obviously do contribute to retirement.

          I usually teach summer school and coach or lifeguard in the summer, but I might look into something more lucrative going forward. I don’t usually tutor during the school year since I coach, but may look into that.

          I very much echo your comments that life goals as a single are much harder. A friend is only 26 and just bought a 500k house with her fiancé. Great for them but that is truly incomprehensible to me! My parents house isn’t a 500k house!

          I actually had never thought I’d buy a house on my own, so that’s not hugely disappointing to me (aside from the fact that I am single still – ended a relationship last summer and am dating again and it is a slog!), but I do often feel like I’m the only one who has to choose if I save or if I do / buy something fun. I was just talking to a friend about a mutual friend’s bachelorette and I am so stressed about chipping in for things!

          1. Yeah I hear you. Cut WAY down on all the gifts/bachelorette things. Your real friends should understand. It is such a waste of money, and a lovely written card/letter, and a simple gift that you put thought into is much more useful. As a single, the thousands of dollars I have spent on weddings/engagements/ bachelorettes/baby showers is embarrassing to me now, and very little of it was worth it – to them or me. And most of my friends who married in their 20s divorced (!) as well!

    4. I’m also 29 and feeling at a crossroads. I heard an interview on NPR LifeKit with Satya Doyle Byock, author of Quarterlife, which felt very validating and useful. I also like the ‘start with why’ approach – my whys are making the world a better place, being financially self sufficient, and making my grandmothers proud (if they had lived to see me as an adult). There are lots of education related roles that aren’t teaching, some of which can be done remotely and in a family friendly way – curriculum design, teacher training, corporate training, etc.

       I also understand the ‘witnessing everyone make a big step in their life’ point. I asked my friends to pencil in my 30th birthday party into their calendars, and got some non committal responses from people for whom I have wedding dates marked in my calendar for even further away. I just said casually that as there’s no sign of a wedding on the horizon (I’m not even actively dating, because I’m moving 400 miles later this year to be closer to friends and family) I’d like to treat that big birthday as a big deal. I won’t say it again but I felt the need to say it just the once.

       1. I definitely think being 29 plays a part in my mood :)

          Obviously it feels like there’s a lot we should be doing or should have done by the time we turn 30 and I will not do those things by that deadline!

    5. You should separate this into two issues:

       1. Your friends are making big moves to build their future and it feels like you’re staying in place. I completely understand this and it’s hard. Recently I was also in a group setting where everyone was buying a house, planning their wedding, etc. It seems like everyone else is taking steps to advance to their next phase and somehow by staying in the same place you’ve ended up behind. Figure out if you don’t like how your life looks in comparison or if you genuinely want those things for yourself at the moment. If it’s the latter then move onto step 2.

       2. Map out your ideal financial scenario for the next ten years. When are you buying a home? Is it a one bedroom condo or a SFH? How often do you travel? What hobbies or luxuries do you splurge on? If you can’t fathom living on your current income a few years from now then you should explore a career change. Sure you might find a spouse who can split expenses but that just puts more pressure on the dating thing. Plan as if it’s just you and decide whether the joy of teaching outweighs the lifestyle sacrifices.

       1. Thanks for your comment!

          In my mind, I’d always rent until I was married and ready for the suburbs and buy then – I never planned on buying alone or on buying in the city (even with a partner) so while I think some aspects of homeownership would be nice, it’s not too disappointing to me that that’s not happening yet. I am, of course, disappointed to be single and dating but it is what it is (ended a relationship last summer, started dating again in January, I average a date a week and am just waiting to find the right person again).

    6. A couple of thoughts if you’re looking for advice. I would leave teaching in your shoes. That has to be one of the lowest paying professions out there & life is just going to be hard if you don’t have money. Especially if you’re single. And you want to be able to choose your spouse for non-financial reasons. You don’t need to be a billionaire, but you’re going to want to have some options in life. You can still give back in a lot of ways – you can go work for a nonprofit, the government, an investment bank and donate a lot of money, volunteer, etc. You don’t have to make it your day job. On dating, it just sucks until it doesn’t. I dated for 20 years before I met my spouse. I’m glad I held out and waited for the right person. But it was a lot easier to do because I was making money and not worried about funding retirement, etc.

    7. Hi, I’m late but hope you see this note. You’ve gotten great advice from others on the bigger matters. I can speak specifically to your job. I am you, 10 years down the road. I’m in central admin. I see that you are at an IS and still owe two years teaching. After that, considering moving into an instructional coach or curriculum writer role. Working for central admin can be fantastic – you still get the joy and satisfaction and reward of working with kids (though not as acutely, I acknowledge), you still get the same holiday calendar (so still great for starting a family), you are paid better, the gender ratio balances out at central admin, and the quality of life is so, so improved. Consider other roles where your teaching experience is valued: project manager for various academic programming teams, talent recruiter for teachers and school leaders, etc. You can leave teaching without going too far!

12. How much would you expect to pay to get a ring sized up (ballpark)? Simple yellow gold band, one stone.
    My great-grandmother received it for her college graduation, then gave it to my mom for hers, then it came to me. I haven’t worn it because it only fits on my pinky, but I’d like to start wearing it on my right ring finger.

    1. In case this is helpful, to get my grandmother’s wedding band sized down for me for everyday wear, I paid $150 in a ritzy suburb. You’d have to pay for however much gold, but I’d still expect it to be in the ballpark.

    2. a lot of this is the cost of the material – literally the price of the gold, plus maybe low 100’s for the work itself.

    3. I’d say $50 to $100 for the labor + any gold they need to add.

    4. I paid around $100 in the last year in the midwest. Small, locally owned shop in a strip mall. Not glitzy or fancy but known for the best work in town.

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