Coffee Break – Jaimy Boots
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Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
These look like something Buffy the Vampire Slayer would wear. Are mid ’90s shoe styles coming back in?
love you for making a buffy reference….
Love the Buffy reference as well!!!
Add me in as well! Frankly, I always thought Buffy (usually) dressed in a classy manner compared to many women today (whether in real life or on TV). Of course, it helped that Fox had money to spend on a wardrobe budget!
What makes these look mid-90s? How would today’s version of this shoe look different?
The block heel and square toe.
Swimming against the tide on this blog, but I don’t much care for La Canadienne boots – sturdy, yes, but not fashionable and all that comfortable for me
I had a pair in the late 90s and wasn’t thrilled. Granted, I don’t look often, but their style doesn’t seem to have evolved since then.
I’ve never worn them, but just going off the picture, I would say that, assuming comfort, these look like they’d be great with jeans for running errands, going to some sort of outdoor activity, or anything else in winter where you might not want sneakers but comfort still wins out over style. But not for work/going out/etc.
repost for more insight, since I was late to the party:
Advice on graciously accepting an offer from choice #2, when you’re still waiting on choice #1? I just read the “accept a job offer on the spot” and “post interview anxiety” threads, but I’m still unsure! Also, I’m a recent law graduate (both are law firm jobs), so I don’t know how terrible it would seem to choice #2 if I don’t accept on the spot and ask for a week or so.
I did not summer at either firm, so my only interactions with them have been through interviews
I read in the other threads about talking with SO as a delay tactic, but I told both interviewers I’m single so the relocation/possible travel is not an issue.
Also #2 is a small firm, so I was hoping it wouldn’t seem odd if I asked a ton of questions about health insurance, retirement accounts and other benefits and ask to mull that info over. They know I currently work for large employer with awesome benefits. Firm #1 is mid-size and has already told me a lot about their benefits.
Both firms are specialized in the same practice area so throughout my career I will be interacting with the other one, so I want to make sure I handle the situation professionally.
Tell the ones you got an offer from to give you a week to “review materials” (benefits info, etc. ask if you don’t have this). Call the one you’re waiting on and say “I have an offer and I have a week to reply” or something. Force them to a decision.
I agree with Anonymous above. Plus, nobody expects you to answer on the spot. One week to “review / think about it” is standard in my opinon since this is after all a huge decision. I don’t think you’ll burn any bridges by asking for a week. I’d say the most time to ask for is 1.5 weeks. Make sure you give the other firm a deadline before your actual deadline – wheels take some time to turn. Good luck!
Thank you! The update is that choice #2 wants to do a dinner next week to discuss my future there, and #1 did not yet respond to my call/email. I’m kind of a fate-ist, in that if I only get an offer #2 I will think it was meant to be. I just feel bad if I don’t accept #2’s offer, but I guess that happens every day and there’s plenty of talent lawyers looking for work that could fill a position. Maybe I need to read NGDGTCO pronto?
Definitely don’t feel bad about #2 if you end up getting an offer from #1 and you take it!
Think about it in the reverse — The people at #2 might feel sad for a moment if they offered someone else the job because they’d miss your wonderful intellect and personality, but they would not feel so bad about it that they would, in fact, offer you the job if the other candidate was really better than you.
I kind of think of the world of job interviewing and offering to be kind of like dating. You’re BOTH looking for a good fit and for what is best for you.
Congrats on what seems to be an impending offer from #2! (Or is it an official offer?) BTW, if it’s not an official offer yet, DO NOT tell #1 that you got an offer from someone.
I just got my first pair of La Canadienne boots a few weeks ago – love, love love! Suede knee-high, beautifully made, terribly comfy and just lovely.
I love La Canadienne boots but these are among their most frumpiest. I think, actually, about 60-70% of their boots are in the frumpy category, but the 30-40% that aren’t are just so fantastically warm, comfy, waterproof, etc., that it makes it all worth it for me.
Ha, I was wondering how you were going to defend this pair, style-wise! I think the last time I wore boots of this style, I was a college freshman and paired them with those super low rise flared jeans. (Oh, to have those abs again.)
I would never defend this pair!!!! The ones I have are way cuter & they are waterproof :)
Link please? :) Would love to see non-frumpy options.
Oh yes. This is exactly what I was thinking. That, and I probably have a similar pair of boots in the back of my closet at my parents’ house.
Hey ladies, hoping I can get some advice on an issue I’ve been mulling over for a couple of months now.
Today is my 24th birthday, so it’s got me thinking about all sorts of “future” things and one is my career trajectory versus my boyfriend’s. We’ve been together for five years this Friday and have lived together for two and a half. I have always known and expressed to him my desire to go to law school and I will be finishing up this school year (!). My boyfriend is 26 and since we’ve gotten together he’s always wanted to “go into IT.” So he’s been taking classes at a community college that would grant him a certificate that is well respected in that field. The problem is this was supposed to be a two (maybe three) year program and he’s been at it for our entire relationship.
I like to think that I’ve been supportive during this time, but now that I am getting closer to my completion date and am narrowing down where I would like to work, it’s starting to grate my nerves that when I ask him what his goals are, five years later it’s still just to “go into IT.” Lately, I’ve been catching myself thinking “it’s just not going to work” when I let my mind drift. But then there are times that I want to go forward and take the next step in our relationship. My boyfriend has a full time job that only requires him to Thursday-Sunday, but can’t manage to help me clean up at all. Am I being unreasonable because my trajectory was so planned? Are his actions just those of a normal male trying to figure out his place in the world or is it possible that it’s more (or less in this case)? I really do love him, but sometimes it feels like we’re not on the same page and if I try to say something, he gets a bit offended (although I don’t have the most gentle delivery when I’m upset). What do you ladies think?
Any advice is appreciated.
Are you annoyed mostly because you feel like he’s being lazy in his career? Is it more that he’s not doing his fair share at the house? Or are you bored with him?
If it’s the first — As long as he’s happy with what he’s doing and he’s working and paying the bills, I’d have no problem. My husband is in a significantly less demanding and time consuming profession, and he does not understand my desire to work a lot. But we both just shrug and accept each others’ differences.
If it’s the second — One thing to try is to have the conversation with you’re not upset. Sometime when the house is clean and you’re both relaxed. In my own relationship, since husband does not work the long hours I do, he picks up almost all of the cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping. I help when I can, but he really does at least 75-80% of it. If he wasn’t willing to do that, I’d have a major problem with it, like you seem to. As in, it would not work for me.
If it’s the third — That’s more complicated. You guys have been together since you were a teenager, it sounds like. That works for a lot of people (Lyssa, I think?), but not for others. If you’re just bored and it’s not that the two of you have changed in irreconcilable ways, then you can get through that. Everyone I know who has been in a long term relationship (including myself) has gone through the boredom phase. If they come out on the other side, the relationship is stronger.
Is he happy with the job he has now? Him getting his certificate matters less than some things that go along with that, such as 1) do you respect what he does now? 2) does he make enough to split finances with you, or at least contribute enough to cover his share/ a substantial contribution? Before I judge on the cleaning thing, does he contribute in other ways? One time I got frusterated with doing most of the cleaning in our apartment, but realized 1) I make much more mess (i dont put my clothes away right away like he does, i leave my hair and make up out, etc) and 2) he does almost 70% of the cooking. Once we talked about that I actually cleaned even more cuz I’d rather do that than cook! So now we are split almost 100% cleaning for me, and almost 100 cooking for him. You have to find a ratio that works for the two of you. My bf is 24, and he is “figuring out” what he wants to do (graduated with a liberal arts degree) but he is doing that *with* me, not on his own little journey while living with me. You need to talk to him about it and be reasonable. Im guessing that since its full time but only thurs-sun he works a lot on those days. Maybe you do all the cleaning on those days, and he does it on the others, and makes sure he cooks for you those to? communication is the most important, so if you cant talk about it without him getting offended, its not a great sign
I registered just to respond to you. If he never changed at all, would you be happy with him for the rest of your lives? If the answer is no, you may have outgrown him.
Agreed. Sorry!
Great advice.
I agree. Also, you are 24 and have been with him since you were 19? That is a long time during very formative years. Maybe you both want very different things and you have grown up since you started going out with him. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re young and need to figure out what you want. If he doesn’t want the same thing, then better to know now than in a few years. Perhaps it is time to have a serious talk and consider your options when your lease ends.
This. I am in the middle of something similar right now with my boyfriend of 2 years. You may feel selfish for wanting him to be with someone who is more focused and driven, especially given your history with your current bf, but I think it’s better to sort out your true feelings now and deal with them. Better to end the relationship and find someone that is truly compatible with you and your work ethic than to spend years resenting your current bf for not being the man you wish he was.
I think this boils down to your own ability to tolerate being on a different career path than your partner. There are some extremely driven people who have no problem being with people who are less driven (this can be especially good when (a) kids come or (b) you have to move for a job as both are eased when one member of the relationship is not wedded to their career.
But, there are plenty of people who can’t tolerate the disconnect. And, to be honest, I’m four years older than you and I have several friends who are in relationships now where they assumed eventually the guy would grow up and get more driven — they never did. People frequently tell you the truth, you have to believe what he’s telling you and not just what you hope to hear.
Finally — what you don’t talk about in your post is how committed he is to you and moving your relationship forward (other than the not cleaning thing…but as a supremely slobby person I can relate to that…) Most friends of mine who work well with someone who is on a different trajectory have been in relationships where there partner is very committed to the relationship and moving that forward. The ones who have failed tend to be the ones who are in relationships where the partner treats their relationship with the same attitude they treat their career.
Either way — you’ll probably get advice on here that you’re only 24 and you’re too young to worry about such things. But I just caution that I know lots of girls who thought that at 24…and then 4-6 years later realize nothing has really changed. Don’t know if that helped, but its my observations.
This is such a good point. I think I am in the category of people that is good with a different career trajectory. My husband has no desire to get to the corner office in his field, but he does put so much work into making sure that our relationship is still good and that I’m able to accomplish what I want. I had never really thought about it from that angle.
“People frequently tell you the truth, you have to believe what he’s telling you and not just what you hope to hear.”
I believe you may have just channeled Oprah ;-) but this statement is totally true!
Darn…I thought I was channeling he’s just not that into you! Oh well. :-)
I think that it depends on what kind of person you want to be with. Personally, I always knew that I wanted to be with someone who is as driven as I am. “Driven” doesn’t have to = “typically white-collar career” to me. My significant other could be into cooking, or teaching taekwondo, or whatever. As long as he’s motivated to succeed at something, I am good. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be the type who’s really motivated about any particular career. That’s not a problem per se, unless your personality will cause you to be impatient with that personality trait of his. For example, my husband has ended up in IT via a roundabout route – undergrad in engineering, brief and hated stint in finance, return to grad school in engineering, two manufacturing/IT jobs and now is head of IT at a small company. He didn’t go at it with a particular plan (like you have with law school), but he always had a general idea in mind and took the mindset that it’s better to do the wrong thing than to do nothing. But that’s how my mind works, too, so it works for me. You just have to know what will annoy you – and know that if it annoys you now, it will probably keep annoying you!
This stuff is not going to get easier if you take the next step. It will get harder — much harder. If you’re frustrated with him not pulling his weight now, you will be 100x more frustrated once you’re in full swing with career, marriage, kids and real life.
Is it necessary for your boyfriend to be ambitious as you? No, I don’t think so. But if he’s 26 years old and hasn’t made any major steps toward progressing toward SOMETHING … it doesn’t seem like you envision this situation getting much better, and I’d agree with that assessment. If you feel resentful now, just wait.
I have a couple of friends who married aimless boyfriends in their mid-20s. Now that we’re all in our early 30s and have tons more responsibility on our plates, these women still love their husbands but are continually frustrated by the lack of equality in their relationships. They always feel like they’re doing MORE. They’re also frustrated by their families’ financial situations because their husbands never took that final step toward earning a certificate or degree. Their husbands are not bad men at all; in fact, they are my friends, too. But the harsh truth is that I would never, ever want to be in one of those marriages. The balance between love and resentment is pretty precarious.
To clarify, the “aimlessness” in the career portion of these men’s lives is indicative of bigger personality traits (lack of initiative and follow-through), which is the real cause of the relationship problems.
Oh yes, this times a million. I dumped an ‘aimless’ boyfriend when I was 25, and realized shortly thereafter that had we stayed together, not only would I have been solely responsible for our finances, but we could never managed to have/support children because his “dream career” would never have enabled him to pay off his student loans, much less save towards a house/childcare/etc.
Its one thing to be a bit aimless in your early 20’s, but past a certain age I just don’t see tolerating a relationship where your partner has not indicated a willingness to put in the hard work towards a shared goal. Please note – that work does not have to be financial – but it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is picking up the housework type slack to allow you to be the primary breadwinner.
This this this. It sounds like we had an identical situation. I went to law school, and the boyfriend from college tagged along. He never did manage to get it together – he was always “looking” for jobs but could never find anything. Or so he said. I was at class all day and am convinced to this day that he never looked – he just played video games while I was in class. I finally broke up with him and kicked him out, and it was the best thing possible for BOTH of us. I went on to meet my amazing future husband who compliments me perfectly in terms of ambition/career/children/etc. He was forced to finally get it together to be able to move out of his parent’s house and he’s very happy and finally working toward his master’s degree. I came to my decision after asking myself whether I would miss him as a friend or as a future husband. The answer ultimately was that I would miss him as a friend, but that I didn’t love him. HTH.
As a 27 year old, I’d say yes, it is normal for guys my age to still not quite have things organized with their future career.
However, I don’t think it really matters. This seems sort of like the other side of the commentor over the weekend who was upset because her boyfriend didn’t support her desire to work long days. You don’t seem to really support your boyfriend’s goals and methods of getting them. You want us to tell you that’s because he’s not doing it right. I don’t think “right” come into it or is helpful. If, at 26, he is the type of guy who is fine with vague goals and taking a slow path to reaching them, he’s going to be that kind of man for the rest of his life. If, at 24, you’re the kind of person who sets high goals and works tirelessly to get to them, that’s probably the kind of woman you’ll be for the rest of your life. That discrepancy bothers you, and I doubt that will ever go away. I think you know that, too. Your post doesn’t read like someone asking for advice, it reads like someone working towards a break up. I was in the same position (graduating from grad school, kind of slackery boyfriend I had been with for 3 years who never really got it together enough to reach his vague goals, a feeling like maybe this wasn’t working out even though nothing seemed horribly wrong), and I could have written that post then. Two years later, he’s the same guy and still hasn’t made much progress, but I’m doing well with a new job, a new town, and a new guy and a vague sense of embarassment that I dated the old guy for so long.
I’d also like to point out that to me “can’t manage to help me clean up at all” is a way bigger issue than taking too long in a community college program. Making you clean up after him with no input from him is completely disrespectful. You shouldn’t have to put up with that.
Well said – that is the impression I was getting, too.
27 is too old to still be farting around trying to decide on his career. Especially in IT. Either he’s a techie and always has been, or he’ll never catch up. Sorry to be harsh, but its true.
It’s a tough call. I think that it is time to have a serious conversation, but not necessarily about what you wrote. You need to understand two things: 1) whether this is a forever relationship or not, in his mind (and yours), and 2) whether he’s willing to move with you, if that winds up being what you need to do for your career. I think that when you know the answer to those questions, you’ll have a lot better of an ability to make your mind up about the rest.
Re: AnonInfinity, I was 19 and my husband was 22 when we got together and I was 21 when we got married. As I’ve talked a lot about here, we’re not really the same people that we were when we got married, but we’ve grown together and only gotten stronger. To tell you the truth, I don’t think that we’ve ever really been “bored,” at least not seriously enough for it to be a phase in our relationship. I’m sure that varies, though, and maybe what’s boring to some people is comfortable to us.
We’re in a relationship that’s similar to yours, Ms. B.E.F., in that I’m the more ambitious one. The difference is that he’s a great worker (I can’t go near any of his co-workers/bosses/direct reports without getting an earful about how much they love him!) and that he’s extremely supportive of my career, and of doing whatever it takes to get there (including having given up his job recently so that we could move). Now, it’s different; we’re married and have been for a while now. That’s pretty much why I said above that you guys need to decide what’s important to you. It’s fine if the relationship is not it – if that’s the case, better to move on to make way for the things that are.
One more my 2 cents soapbox word of warning: I’ve seen a lot of women in their 20s who live with a guy when either he, they, or both are not really considering the relationship permanent. I’m not trying to preach against living together – my husband and I lived together before our wedding, too. But I worry a lot about people in the sort of open-ended, we’re just together living together and not really sure where this relationship is going sort of arrangement, because it’s hard to leave. So relationships that might have just died their natural deaths are sort of forced to go on, because there’s nothing really bad enough to make a person bother leaving, and time just slips away. I’m not saying that that’s the case here; I don’t know. But it’s something to think about (for all people who are living together, IMO). (Obviously, there are a lot of people for whom this doesn’t apply, so if you have no interest in getting married or starting a family or anything like this, disregard. I’m just speaking generally here, that I see it happen to a lot of people who do want those things, and suddenly they’re pushing 30 and time’s running out.)
Well said. I spent 7 years in a relationship that should have ended after about 3 years, and it was because we lived together and nothing seemed quite bad enough to warrant breaking up and moving out.
It sounds like Lyssa and I have very similar experiences (I married at 26 the guy I started dating when I was 18 and am the more ambitious of the two) and therefore I want to second all of her advice. I also want to second the advice of others here who have said to have a reasoned conversation about your needs and your priorities (with yourself first, then with your bf). If the two of you are different in a way that enriches your relationship, that’s great; if you are different in a way that makes either or both of you unhappy, that’s not great.
I also have a best friend who is a wonderful woman but has been dating a guy for nearly a decade now who flitted between college programs, never finished his degree, and is now working on a certificate so he can “go into IT”, which he will probably never finish. He’s a very nice guy and he makes her happy, but he has also caused her to drift. She’s put off medical school indefinitely so she can pay the bills, has taken jobs way below her skill/ambition level, and has generally become far less ambitious, too. I am torn between telling her to ditch this loser and get on with her life and being happy that she is happy (but have ultimately decided it is her business, not mine). So whatever you decide based on all of the other advice here, if you feel yourself starting to slip from your desired goals, make a real assessment of how happy you are about it and go from there.
Good luck. This is hard.
Excellent advice, Lyssa. And this from someone who used to snark at commenters being “preachy” about couples not living together. Really thoughtfully written.
Thanks, Anon today! I was sort of worried that I would catch hell for that, but ultimately decided that what I had to say was more important than possibly offending someone.
Ms. Basil – as the other posters above aptly noted, there is no right answer. The fact of the matter is that his behaviour bothers you and he hasn’t changed in 5 years. This is an awfully long time to spend in a relationship you have doubts about. It sounds to me like you want an ambitious partner – and guess what? there’s absolutly nothing wrong with that. I think a little bit of soul searching will tell you what you want and if this is the one. As I tell all my girlfriends in a similar predicament “Is this the father of your babies? If not, move on.”
Thanks for all the insight ladies. To add a little more info about the situation based on your comments so far:
My boyfriend’s job is not currently in IT (nor has he had a job in that field). He makes good money and his coworkers love him, but he’s not happy at the job, has no intention to advance, and is waiting to obtain his certificate before trying to move. He helps me pay the bills and takes out the trash, but other than that he does nothing. I know this is partly my fault for allowing it to happen so long, his fault for not taking the initiative to do it, and his mother’s fault for not making him do it when he was younger.
I do think it may be some boredom in the mix because we have been together for a long time, but I can’t honestly tell to what extent that is driving this.
It’s not that I can’t talk to him without him getting offended, I do honestly think that my delivery is not always the greatest for communication. I am trying to work on that, but it’s hard when I’m in school for countless hours learning how to be more aggressive.
He is very committed, we’ve had numerous conversations about moving forward, but he’s always been a bit slower at coming to conclusions about our relationship than I am. There are days I can see him at the end of the aisle and days that I can’t. I may be moving towards a breakup, but part of me really wants to stay.
In addition, it’s probably not helping the situation that after we left apartment #1, we moved into his grandmother’s home to help her out in her last days. Prior to his grandmother’s passing, I moved out after he broke up with me. Once she passed, the house went to my boyfriend and his sister. Because of his sister’s inability to take account for any of her actions (or act like a grown-up), the house had to be sold and he has moved into my one bedroom apartment. We looked at a two bedroom, but I didn’t get the same feeling as when I walked into my current apartment.
I’m confused, he’s broken up with you before and now that you’re back together he still doesn’t have his act together? Dump him now. If he’s not willing to change his ways to be more helpful and supportive, he never will. As someone very committed to her career, you deserve to be with someone who is just as committed or very supportive of you.
It sounds like you, and many of the other commenters, are leaning towards breakup. But after investing so much time with him, and I’m sure still caring for him as a person, you might (understandably) feel a lot of guilt breaking up now. To him, it might seem sudden, even though you’ve been thinking about the possibility for a while. It may be better, for both of you, if you carefully explain to him your feelings- equality in the relationship, taking care of him rather than being his partner, etc. I know it is a cliche, but focus on “I” statements, how it makes you feel, to avoid making him defensive. After the big talk, give it another month. If he hasn’t taken real steps toward change in that month, you will have your answer. And that way, you will lessen the guilt because you will know that he had a chance to try, that this wasn’t just a sudden thing for him, and that he really isn’t the person you hoped he would become.
I’ve had friends go through similar situations, and I’ve talked both sides through the aftermath. It is incredibly hard, and I wish you luck.
First – happy birthday!
Second – this reply sounds as if the reason why you two got back together was because his house was sold and he didn’t want to move back in with his parents, and you liked a one bedroom better than a two bedroom, so now you’re back in a relationship.
If he didn’t move in with you, would you have gotten back together?
Sorry for the misunderstanding. We got back together about a year before we moved back in together.
Wow. It really does not seem like he does anything at all at home. Do you do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for you both?
That is ridiculous. You are his partner not his mother. You deserve better.
Sorry for the strongly worded reply but given the imbalance in home duties, it really seems like he is taking advantage of you.
I wish you all the best.
Dump him. If he “can’t manage to help you clean up at all” and “gets a bit offended” when you try to gently nag him into adulthood (I am assuming this full time job is not what you’d refer to as a career) then he’s not worth your time. Plenty of boys in their twenties take their girlfriends for granted (“normal males” as you call them, are hopelessly entitled) – but don’t put up with it. It’s far better to be single than to foster a slowly growing resentment. You’ll just end up murdering him in his sleep when you’re 40.
Ugh so true on this point particularly: Plenty of boys in their twenties take their girlfriends for granted (“normal males” as you call them, are hopelessly entitled) – but don’t put up with it.
Your situation is very similar to where I was a while ago. I was with the same boyfriend from high school all the way through law school (17 till 25). We were very much in love, but had very different career aspirations. Having a great education and career was very important to me. I went to ivy league undergrad and law, then got a job at a large firm. In the interim, he could never hold down a job for even a year and only went sporadically to classes in community college. He never graduated. We got as far as getting engaged and planning a wedding, but we were fighting a lot and I ended up calling off the wedding. It was the best decision of my life. I may have felt differently if he was just not as ambitious as me, but could hold a steady job. That wasn’t the case though. He was a good person and he really was great about contributing around the house, but at the end of the day, you don’t want to be with someone you can’t respect. So ask yourself honestly if you respect him. If not, best to get out now. Good luck!
No advice, but I wanted to say happy birthday!!!
Ugh. Oh duh – I was so interested in the rest of your post that I forgot this part. Happiest of birthdays!
(You could always ask him to clean the house as a gift to you… just sayin’)
Same here! Happy birthday!
Besides questioning whether you want to be with someone less driven, you should also consider whether he has indicated whether he will be supportive of your drive. If he is going to resent your job and constantly urge you to demote your work ambitions on your list of priorities, that could be a real problem. While I think partners with differing drive can balance one another, if instead you are constantly going to be fighting over your need to: work the necessary hours to succeed in a job that is important to you; combine your social life with your work life; travel; postpone childbearing; limit vacations; be available for after-hours work emergencies, etc., you may be heading for trouble. The question is really whether your ambitions are different, but compatible, or simply incompatible. (Frankly, this question is also relevant for couples who have similar levels of career drive and aspiration.)
Happy Birthday!
I’ve got to say that, based on my personal experience, 24 is a great time to be thinking about this. You’ve gotten some really good advice and food for thought above, particularly from Jennifer, TCFKAG, and anon for this.
If your only concern is whether your professional ascertainment needs to match that of your significant other: no. Two people can be highly compatible in life and have different career paths. (Note that I said career path – not ability to set and meet goals). But that doesn’t seem like the root of your post.
You sound concerned that his slow progress towards a vague goal is a red flag and wonder whether this guy is going to change. As I suspect you’re already realizing, people rarely change who they are innately. Ultimately, you must be able to respect him for who he is today. Not who he wants to be. Not who he could be. But who he actually is.
Honestly, it sounds to me like he has conveniently moved from his mother’s house to yours. Be careful that you don’t become his second mother. I have seen it happen, and the lack of self-sufficiency will be an eternal struggle.
Thank you ladies. All of your advice has been beyond helpful. I have put this string into a Word document and will be making some lists and doing some soul searching.
Any thoughts on the La Canadienne Tonys? I’m about to pull the trigger, but can’t find any reviews of them online. My black knee-high boots are on their last legs and I am looking for a good pair of boots to replace them, and I need to be able to walk several miles in them.
http://www.6pm.com/la-canadienne-tony
I meant to post this morning, but did not make it to the thread in time.
My good friend from high school passed away this weekend, so I will likely not be around much this week. He was — is — 22.
Rare is the the love for a friend so straightforward and honest and platonic as mine for him.
No good comes from this, but the love that surpasses.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death…
LL
Condolences.
~hugs and condolences~
May he rest in peace.
So sorry for your loss, LL.
Oh, I am so sorry.
*hugs*
So sorry LL.
Baruch dayan emet. So sorry to hear that. :(
I’m so sorry.
Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss LL. I had a close friend die unexpectedly in college and the suddenness of the experience as well as his age made it very difficult for us all to process.
Please take care of yourself in this difficult time.
LL, I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts to out to you.
Without wanting to “out” either one of us, were his initials I. Z.?
yaelgodiva AT gmail DOT com
I’m so sorry to hear this. A good friend of mine – also in her twenties – passed away suddenly very recently, too. The shock alone makes it difficult to process. Hugs – I’ll be thinking of you and your friend.
One of my best friends passed when we were 25. There are still days when I suddenly remember that he’s so completely gone and it’s like being punched hard in the chest. And that was almost 20 years ago. So sorry.
I am truly sorry that you lost your friend.
I’m so sorry.
I just diagnosed a 22 year old with metastatic breast cancer.
I’ve cried tears for her, though not like the tears she, her family and her friends will cry.
Life is unfair.
Condolences.
Thank you all.
Hug your loved ones, if you can. An email, phone call, or handwritten letter works well in a pinch.
Adding my condolences. I lost a friend two days before HS graduation, and I know it sucks.
I have to say again that I am questioning the style insight on Corporette. Not cute. (Sorry)
I also just got dumped by my boyfriend of 1.5 years. He couldn’t see a future. Um, why the hell did it take you so long. We are 29 FFIW.
Sorry :(
After four years together, a former boyfriend told me he didn’t see a future. He told me this after I had to ask why he hadn’t proposed on our vacation, as planned. He hadn’t felt it was important to update me. And for some reason, I dated him for another year. ::shivers::
It’s hard to hear. I’m sorry it came after a year and a half of investment, but it’s better now than later. And, while it feels terrible now, you’ll be better for the experience.
:)
Ooh, ::shivers:: indeed. But no judging. Many of us have made similarly brilliant choices.
Just wanted to say I feel for you and hoping it gets easier. I had someone do the same thing completely out of the blue after more than two years together. It was honestly one of the worst points of my life. BUt I met my husband a few months after and soon realized my ex was right. My husband seemed immediately right and I knew our future together would be strong and that I could depend on him in ways I never could with my ex.
I know it hurts, but just try to keep in mind that sometimes things happen for a reason. You don’t want your future tied to someone who doesn’t want the same things as much as you. Hopefully you’ll look back some day and realize it wasn’t right for you the way I now do. I still consider my ex as one of the dearest friends that I’ve had in life and an important relationship. But now, looking back, I realize a future together would have had a lot of stress in ways my current one doesn’t. We still move in the same circles. Although I’m always genuinely glad to see him, I’m grateful in so many ways that I never went down that path. My husband and I are a far better match in so many way–and more meaningful ways. Honestly, sometimes a person can be great to date, but it still isn’t right for marriage. You just don’t always see it at the time. Hopefully soon you get to where you’re happy things ended when they did. I know it’s tough. I totally feel for you right now.
Thank you for this. I am inspired by your story.
Well, if Anonny’s story inspires you, I’ll go ahead and co-sign it. At the time the break-up was the worst thing ever, now I realize it was the best. THE BEST.
I don’t remember who recommended the Clean deodorant from Sephora, but thanks!!
I bought it over the weekend, and not only do I find it quite effective, I also love the fragrance (I perhaps bought the lotion also…it was 20% off for VIB members this past weekend…and I’m a sucker for Sephora).
I was also glad to see that a few of you liked the Neutrogena Liquid Eye Makeup Remover, as per my suggestion, yay!
Which Clean fragrance did you get? There are 5 or 6. Curious because I like the line, but I’m overwhelmed by so many choices.
The deodorant is original, and the lotion is warm cotton- those were the only two scents available in my Sephora.
I love both, they mix with my personal scent very nicely in my opinion. They also fit well with each other, which is a bonus.
Yeah! That was me and I’m glad it works for you.
Entirely unrelated, but I would like to get some feedback. I am starting my second year as an attorney at a firm I love, doing the kind of work I love.
Some background information. I summered here, but was not offered a job because of the economy. After law school, they called and said they were hiring again and offered a position. However, my starting salary was abut 12% less than it would have been had I been hired after my summer.
After my first review (about 3 months after passing the bar), I was given my first review and a small raise (but still pretty good for only being here 3 months.
My yearly review is coming up, and, of course, the issue of a raise. Here’s the problem. I have been told “off the record” by colleagues in casual conversation the typical percent the firm generally gives. However, I would like to as for a higher raise, so that I am at or close to the level I would have been at if I had been offered the job at the end of my summer.
My billables are where they should be and my clients pay their bills on time. The partners seem to like me and the work I do. Considering the economy is still in the tank, especially where I work, am I off base in asking for a bigger raise?
Definitely ask for it! You can be sure that a male associate in your position would be asking. You don’t get what you don’t ask for.
No.
Ask.
If you are worth your salt, the economy should not be an excuse.
State your reasons in the logical way detailed above, note the good you bring to the client, and ask for the raise.
It’s fine to ask, but don’t be put off by a “no” answer. The firm’s position is probably that you did not get the job after your summer b/c of the economy, the economy is no better, and the past is past. Move on from where you started.
Not that the firm would be correct, but just to prepare you for a negative response.
Good luck.
Threadjack.
Have crush on guy with girlfriend who flirts with me all the time. I refuse to cross boundaries, though. Am I super lame? Please share anecdotes.
Not lame. Be friendly, but not flirtatious. IF he breaks it off with his girlfriend, then the floor is yours to do/say whatever you want to convey your feelings. But wait until he’s single first.
Ew. If he flirts while having a gf he is not crush worthy material. think of it that way to try and break the crush! he is using the flirting with you to pump his own ego, and I would put a stop to that asap. Why let him?
What goes around, comes around. Be a friend. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want done unto you. If you do anything with him while he’s with her, who’s to say he won’t do the same to you later?
You’re not lame, or at least if you are, many of us have been there. CFM has excellent advice – when I was in this situation, it turned out that the guy was just toying with my emotions for the sake of his own ego. You *really* don’t want to be that girl.
If you don’t want to cross boundaries, make sure he knows they’re there. Don’t flirt back, no matter how much you may want to. Consider distancing yourself if necessary.
Also: I was pretty lonely and unhappy in my own life when this happened to me, and developing an unrequited love may have been a symptom of that. Try to look for ways to fill up your life so you don’t spend so much time thinking of him. There are other guys in the world, guys who won’t see you as their personal plaything.
Am I the only one who doesn’t “get” ankle boots? I can’t think of an instance where a tall boot or a regular shoe wouldn’t look a lot better.
Exactly. Even if I were an urban hipster with legs like a baby gazelle, I feel like I could find many other more flattering styles.
This made me laugh.
I like ankle boots for under pants. More comfortable than a regular boot under a pant but you still get the look of the boot and the weather-related convenience. You can’t see the tops of my boots when I’m wearing ankle boots. That being said, I don’t like these one bit.
I don’t like these, but I love love love dressy ankle boots under pants in the winter.
I’m nodding along with you again, as is so often the case …
I think it depends on the ankle boot. I hate these. But there are some styles that I think are quite flattering. And for pants, in colder weather, they’re great.
I have very skinny legs so sometimes my ankle boots look better in skirts and dresses, but they are cute ones!
I hear you, but as a woman with a well developed calf, an ankle boot solves a lot of problems for under pants.
Also, a year ago I would have been turning up my nose at these boots along with everyone, but now that I live in a snowy mountain climate with lots of slush, I need a stable work shoe that I can trudge back and forth between my office and the hospital. Option B? Sorel’s Cate the Great, which we can all agree are not any more professional than these.
Haha EC MD! The REI and Keen prophecy has come true, huh?
Exactly! What I didn’t fully comprehend was that looking cute would not be my primary priority crossing the parking lots — avoiding fractures would be! Plus I look around me, and all the physicians are dressed more casually than me…it’s a slippery slope but the great news is that I am developing the rarely seen “female mountain surgeon aesthetic.” I’m sure that there are literally thousands of women waiting for me to start a blog on that topic — or maybe 4….
I’m sorry, but EVERYTHING on this blog in the past month or so has been either (1) ugly, (2) impractical, or (3) boring.
It makes me question these rules people have, since if they’re the ones believing in pink only nailpolish but are wearing these shoes, then I’m quite happy breaking their rules.
No one’s making you read this blog. I find that Kat’s taste in clothing often is not the same as mine, but I can appreciate her aesthetic. If you can’t, no hard feelings, just move along.
I agree that the stuff has been bad (mostly) and I think the comments are the place to reflect that. I think Kat is fantastic about taking criticism and responding to it. Yes, these shoes are right for some people but I don’t think that it is bad to comment otherwise.
Yeah I agree, the taste level has been questionable as of late
I know this gets asked all the time, but I forget to bookmark it every time–what’s that site that tracks clothes and alerts you when they go on sale?
Shopittome dot com. Warning, though — I just signed up a month or so ago, and I’ve been shopping/buying significantly more. It’s kind of addictive.
Or shoppingnotes[dot]com
Thank you for posting! Was going to post same question (and phrased the same way) tomorrow morning! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who couldn’t remember!
I got a pair of La Canadienne boots last year on amazon for $24, regularly $200+. I don’t think they’re the most fashionable boots I could buy, but they’re for snow/weekend/casual, not for work with my suits, so they’re perfect!
Question for Nordstrom devotees…
The price on the skirt has dropped to half off on a number of colors, including the one I bought full price about a month and a half ago. Am I right in remembering that I can actually get the difference in price refunded? And, if so, how do I go about doing that?
I don’t shop at Nordstrom, but most stores have info for a price adjustment on the receipt (e.g. 7 days, 14 days…just bring in receipt). There’s actually state law’s about this. I think my state’s law is 7 days. So maybe check the state you live in, the state Nordstrom is HQ in, and Nordstrom’s policy!
what I found online:
http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/7_on_your_side&id=4381488
NORDSTROM.COM — If the item you purchased is reduced in price, we will happily accommodate a price adjustment within 2 weeks from the date of purchase. For assistance, call our Customer Service Specialists at 1-888-282-6060.
http://about.nordstrom.com/help/our-policies/pricing-policy.asp?origin=help