Coffee Break: Larin Heels
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As someone with narrow ankles and a wider forefoot, I've always been a fan of strappy heels (particularly when tights or pantyhose are involved). These Calvin Klein pumps with an asymmetrical strap look great — the way the strap crosses the vamp of the foot is really flattering, and I like how the outside of the shoe has a d'Orsay look.
The shoe comes in 9 colors at Zappos (including two beiges and a brown, if you're hunting for nude-for-you heels). They come in sizes 5-11, and are $99.
As of 2025, these are our latest favorite strappy heels for work — also check the brands J.Crew, Valentino, and Jennifer Chamandi for strappy pumps. If you’re looking for strappy commuting shoes with heels to maintain a hem length, we recommend Dansko, Eileen Fisher, or FLY London.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
How do you decide on financial risks? I know this is relative to income but however it is defined for you. For example, I struggled to decide when to go from living with roommates and paying less to when to live alone even though it’d cost more. Did I have it in my bank account? Yes. Could I save less? Also yes. For some it’s moving into a better home, for others buying a car, etc.
How do you weigh out what is worth it and what is not? As someone who grew up financially insecure, I struggle with this and wonder how others work it through as it may give me some perspective shift!
I can p*ss away money. So I try to lock down the big items: older car that is paid-for, housing that is safe and close to where I need to be (so if I need roommates, I need roommates; they may not always be forever and I like the set up except when I’m Coupled Up or their BFs are annoying/always there), save for retirement.
I will go to less expensive mom and pop restaurants and enjoy that time with friends vs fancy bottle-service places. I used to have people over and cook group dinners.
Only recently have I splurged for a Nice Hotel and I did rent a convertible (vs a tiny basic car) on a trip and enjoyed it (and wasn’t locked in to having that as any recurring expense and the lifestyle creep risk is small).
For me, it was finding a financial planner who was basically a therapist on the point. I was able to sort of see the light – that I worked so many hours and made so much money but wasn’t enjoying it at all. That habit (work hard, save hard, play never) was really taking a toll, as you could imagine. Now, almost a decade removed from the fist meeting with my financial planner, I’m doing quite well and feel comfortable with savings rate, retirement projects and spending without wicked guilt.
It’s sort of arbitrary but we max our 401ks and put $5k annually into a 529 for college for one child (maximizing a state tax break) and spend the rest. My parents are pretty wealthy and I expect a sizeable inheritance when they die. They’ve promised to help pay for college and if they don’t, we could pay for whatever the 529 doesn’t cover by temporarily cutting back discretionary spending. The way things are going with global politics and climate change, I’m not sure I’m going to have a retirement to enjoy in 30 years, so it’s important to me to enjoy life now while we can. HHI is ~$170k in a LCOL area for context.
I have always had roommates of some sort but went from sharing a 4 bedroom 2 bath with 3 other girls to sharing a 2 bedroom 2 bath and then living with my SO. I think they say you shouldn’t spend more than 20-30% of your income on rent so it’s really about your priorities and what you’re willing to compromise on. Do you want to live further out of your city to be able to afford your own place or do you want to live in the trendy neighborhood and have a roommate? Alternatively, you can compromise on amenities like gym in your apartment building, central AC, washer dryer, etc. it’s all about your personal goals, values, non negotiable items, and of course income.
Interesting question, I definitely have internalized opinions on this. Investing in stocks: never stressed. Buying something really expensive: I have to justify it beyond just wanting it in the moment. House and car stuff: I’m always stressed so I’m glad I don’t make those decisions often. In our last move we were looking in the 400K range but could have gone up significantly more; we wound up liking a house for $555K that had nice white trim when everything else we’d seen had 90s oak trim. Dumb thing to base a $150K increased price on, but we were still in our range.
Isn’t white trim just the 90s oak trim painted white? I’m not a house or design expert, but even I was able to separate out what was just a paint job when we were house-hunting.
Actually, no. White paint on previously stained oak trim would look terrible — grain would show through and it would peel quickly. Regular white trim is trim wood, unstained, primed and painted white. Getting 90s oak trim to look good painted would involve a ton of work (sanding it down completely, which is hard to do on curves) or total replacement.
Even total replacement seems like it would cost far less than $150k.
That was our fear, tons of work, and lots of the 90s houses had wood other places we didn’t like. (One memorably had walnut cabinets, orangish oak trim, and yellowish pale shiny floors, all in view of entryway.) The more expensive house also came with more acreage (maybe .25 acres more) and more square footage (maybe 750-1250 more), although I don’t know if those would have been deciding factors as much as the dislike of the wood.
This is actually completely wrong- you can paint oak trim if it’s primed correctly first, and shouldn’t need to remove stains before you do so. If the stain was chipping or damaged, I’d use a chemical stripper over a sander which doesn’t have problems with curves. Mind it’d still be ~5k worth of work for a moderately sized house.
I decide how much I want to save, make sure it automatically goes to my savings account when my paycheck hits, and then just spend the rest. I also have a very complicated excel spreadsheet that I enjoy fiddling with, so that helps.
That being said I do have $44k in a HYSA, and at most my emergency fund needs to be like $30k, but I’m just like scared to invest it.
Same here except instead of an excel spreadsheet I use an ancient MS Money file. And the savings in excess of the emergency fund gets invested.
I always try to spend as little as I can while still avoiding things that make me really unhappy. I had roommates right up until I moved in with my now husband, but if I hadn’t moved in with my husband, it probably also would have been harder to find good roommate situations around that time as I had finally finished grad school and most people I knew were also coupling up and didn’t want roommates anymore. So if you still have a good roommate situation, then it makes sense to stay with it, but if you’re in a bad situation or your roommate wants to move out and you have to face finding a new roommate, then it can make sense to try to make things work on your own if you have the budget for it. Similarly, I try to hold on to cars or things like phones and computers as long as I can, but once they really break and can’t easily be fixed, I don’t hesitate to buy a new one immediately, which I will then do my best to take care off so it will hopefully last for a long time. I don’t really care about things like eating out or fancy travel, so I don’t spend any money on those things, but do spend quite a lot to live in a very beautiful but very expensive place (though in a modest condo rather than the giant new house I used to own in a cheaper but very unpleasant city). You have to pay attention to what matters most to you, not what you’re supposed to want.
This! Especially your last sentence.
I’m about to move into my own apartment for the first time (29), and I’m both excited and dreading it financially – it’s about 38% of my take home pay. I would have been fine living with roommates for another year but found it hard to find someone to live with. I’m too old for a random roommate but my friends all want to live alone or are living with boyfriends. I work full time and am in grad school part time so it would be easier on my budget to have a roommate, but no dice
I spend more when I am consistently and actively annoyed by the current situation; otherwise, the money gets saved. I lived with roommates until I got married because I had great (or at least decent) roommates and it did not annoy me. I drive an old car because I love the vehicle and the repairs do not yet annoy me. As I’ve gotten into my late 30s, I have purchased more expensive shoes because the cheaper versions hurt my feet; before then, I rolled with whatever looked good and was on the sale rack. We used an ancient Vineyard Vines tote as a diaper bag because it got the job done. There always “better” and no limit to the upgrades, so our touchstone is “good enough.”
We spend money on things that mean something to us. For us, that’s travel to see family, random weekends away, taking our kid to water parks, and quirky things like expensive musical instruments and a collection of rare whiskey.
We’re quite similar to this. I’m conscious that more expensive things will provide a better experience that I will then expect from that category of thing going forwards. I try to not getting a nice thing if I’m 100% happy with the crappy but functional thing because it will be much harder to revert back to the crappy but functional thing going forward.
We’re similar, except travel and kid activities/experiences are the only things we really spend money on. Our travel budget is truly insane and it makes for awkward conversations with friends and coworkers when we’re taking our third trip to Europe this year, but people don’t realize that we are super frugal in pretty much every other aspect of our lives in order to do this. Our house is fine but pretty modest for our income level, our cars are very old, I almost never buy clothes or beauty stuff, kid clothes are from Target and toys are usually just what family and friends give us, we eat at cheap restaurants, etc.
I don’t compromise on the middle ground. By this I mean that I buy the thing I really want, or the thing that is the cheapest that will meet my needs. Anything beyond the cheapest, you have sunk cost fallacy and then are stuck with the silver medal choice. In the small scale, it is buying either the really pretty SMEG toaster or the $10 toaster from Target, because if you get the $50 cusinart you know that’s going to stick around forever.
Interesting perspective… I’m not sure the logic totally holds up. You must have strong feelings about the gold medal choice! In contrast, I often find myself getting the wire cutter (or similar) silver option
This is 100% me too, but I never named it!
I just got some test results, and my LDL was a little high – what are your best tips to improve your numbers? (LDL was 116, HDL 54, cholesterol is 192, triglycerides were 109).
From Omar Little: work in some Honey Nut Cheerios (or other oat products). Also: do you have a genetic tendency? Also, chocolate is BAD for cholesterol tests. Mine is always bad in the chocolate holiday months (xmas, easter).
Work out consistently. It doesn’t have to be tough work outs but if you’re walking, walk at least five days a week.
As for food – cheerios and oatmeal are always the most helpful to me.
My dietician recommended one serving of either beans or oatmeal a day to increase the soluble fiber.
OP here – I’m already eating a lot of both beans and oatmeal so I’m worried the number would be even worse without all of that. How sensitive is LDL to a changed diet? My test was Saturday and we’d just come back the Saturday before from 3 weeks away at my inlaws — I still ate beans and oatmeal but also drank a ton more, ate more cheese, so forth. Would that vacation have affected the results?
Yes.
Exercise, fiber, and healthy fats
You can try Metamucil to add more fiber.
I remember that JFK Jr’s wife worked to Calvin Klein and it used to be High Fashion. Now it seems to be a bit of a mall brand. Is this just a diffusion line taking all the limelight and there is still a fancy version somewhere? I feel like I got busy with work for a few decades and brands changed their place in the pecking order. [OTOH, I remember when Banana Republic was safari and am pleased that it’s back #nostalgia.]
Oh wow – they closed their designer collection in 2019. Interesting.
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/07/fashion/calvin-klein-closes-collection.html
I think about this a lot bc I love (and purchase) CK blazers for work. CK did stop red carpet type collections a few years back, so I think it’s more of a Banana/JCrew type brand now.
I think it’s closer to Old Navy in reality, but I always think poorly of brands I associate with Macy’s.
I like my CK pieces from ~2017 and they still fit despite my pandemic weight gain. I haven’t bought from them since then though.
Totally. I wear it as very solid workwear in a stodgy setting. It’s boring clothing, but they cut generously in the bosom and it’s very flattering to a curvy body.
+1 on the cut!
Just posting to say I finally started Only Murders in the Building and I feel like (sort of like Mad Men and Marvelous Mrs. Maisel) I could turn off the sound and just look at the pretty sets and what a good job the set dresser is doing. [I like it plenty with the sound on, but it’s so nice to watch, visually.]
It is beautiful! I wish I lived in that show.
Right? Like even Mabel’s apartment would be fine. Steve Martin’s feel a bit clinical even though it is quite nice. I’d take it, but I would prefer Mabel’s to it.
I love Mabel’s apartment but Bunny’s really speaks to me.
I really enjoyed this aspect of Downton Abbey as well. Very visually attractive.
Another show where the main character is a very large and lovely building.
There’s a NY Times article about the history of that actual building. I can highly recommend it.
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/27/realestate/only-murders-in-the-building-belnord-arconia.html
So sorry, I know there have been many posts about this but I can’t unearth them…
Thoughts about Nike Air Force 1s vs. Adidas Stan Smith/Superstar for a white sneaker? Or something else I should consider? I’d love something I can wear the rest of the summer and into fall and hopefully not look outdated by spring. I’m late-20s and would wear with sundresses and jeans. I have a wide-ish forefoot but normal heel and tend to love very supportive shoes (birks, etc.).
Vejas were the other brand mentioned as popular with that group. I think the Campo style (the one I commented about) would suit your foot shape well.
Do you think friendships can survive when there is a sizeable income differential though both still make “normal” white collar professional money? So I’m not talking hedge fund partners making tens of millions constantly hanging out with an in house counsel making 200k. The few classmates DH and I have in those realms just live a totally different life than us, and while we’ll see them at an occasional class reunion or wedding, we really have nothing in common with those who hire private jets and rent out private islands on vacation. Naively though I thought friendships would do perfectly fine where one household is making say 300k between two people and the other is making 70-100k at a non profit or in local government, and recently those friendships haven’t been doing so great. We’re not sure why – it’s not like we talk about money, nor are we going to any different restaurants or anything than the non profit friends do. In fact the non profit friends travel more than we do as we’re constantly scrimping away money for college or a down payment or whatever. There have been enough sideways comments directed at us though that it’s got us wondering – random comments about privilege, we don’t pay enough in taxes to solve problems, just jealous kind of comments. DH is kind of like – shrug – this is what happens when you get into your 30s and beyond, your circle shrinks to those just like you. Experiences?
Bitter with baggage; avoid.
My husband has relatives in the clergy. Like vow of poverty and vow of chastity. They are happy to come over to watch sportsball on TV and drink a beer and have nibbles. No “why don’t you buy Duff beer in cans vs IPA in a bottle; children are starving in Biafra” drama or anything. [They’d have a point, but I think they also realize that they catch more flies with honey, etc., etc. Spending time with people of the cloth reminds us of the many needs of their mission-based work and we do support that while continuing to break decent bread even though less-spendy bread is available.]
If you’re waltzing through life thinking 300k is the same world as 70k you’re clueless enough that you’re probably coming off as insensitive.
I made a similar comment below. Like, there is a world of difference that you’re not acknowledging at all.
+1
She explicitly said, right up there in the first sentence, that it is a “sizeable” income differential.
Like they have seen your tax return? Or they are just asses making assumptions out loud?
I had a parent who worked in the non-profit world for years. It always seemed like to their co-worker’s feel into two camps 1) people with a touch of martyr syndrome who were annoyed at people with disposable income and 2) people who were in-general grateful for people who had some financial success because they tend to keep non-profits a float.
I feel like it’s a similar attitude as people who live/work in vacation destinations. They either appreciate tourism because it keeps their local economy healthy or they are perpetually annoyed with tourists all the time.
Life it too short. If it were me, I’d continue to hang out with them when they invite. But maybe make less of an effort. Depending on their day-to-day culture, there could be very little you can do to consider a different point of view. I also wouldn’t take it too personally.
I’ve been in this situation before. I make just shy of $1M but really haven’t changed my lifestyle since my mid 20s and have always been frugal. I also grew up really poor, so I guess I feel like the level of privilege I currently have doesn’t feel like it matches who I am or my lived experienced up until this point.
I’d say as long as you’re not being a jerk, it depends on the person. Right now I’d say I have a very wide range of income groups among my friends and its been cool (obviously I try to pick activities/restaurants/whatever that within the friend’s desired spending range, but honestly I find my preferred spending rate is generally as low or lowest among friends anyway) I’ve had a friend that I’ve continued to be friends with after talking it out directly, but generally I just avoid ppl inclined to this kind of jealous behavior (after I’ve checked my own behavior and how I show up to see if there’s anything I might have inadvertently said that may have been awkward) life’s too short.
Doesn’t mean you can’t have friends across income groups though. it just varies.
Any chance it has to do with life stages? I’ve been thoroughly annoyed at the many (many) people I’ve encountered who have zero ability to empathize with or accomodate situations they haven’t directly experienced (disabilities, health issues, childcare issues, aging parent issues) unless they themselves have been through it. Bonus points if they then report back that ‘wow, I thought you were making a big deal of hard thing, but turns out it really is hard! so hard!’. Argh.
Otherwise it’s not you, it’s them. I agree that in the same general income range/area you should be perfectly able to have nice conversations – family news, books/tv/movies, fun new restaurant in town, etc. Also I will echo again that covid has really atrophied the socialization muscle for many of us – any chance that’s it?
Are they making lots of comments/being passive aggressive or are you projecting/feeling guilty about making so much more than them? I simply don’t have this problem – heck I don’t even know how much money most of my friends make.
the only thing I could think to suggest that you guys do, is consider if you might casually mention things that throw the different income levels into high relief even though it’s not about money per se.
Like- friends wealthier than I am have said things like “oh that’s our go-to spot for Friday dinners!” when we suggested it as a double date spot, whereas to us it’s a maybe twice-a-year splurge dinner price point.
+1 to this. We are on the other side and often forget that our “I don’t feel like cooking on Tuesday” spots are to others fancy date night spots. Other examples are complaining about client entertainment (trust me, sporting game suite do get boring) and going to fancy events which are just not things that most people do.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my cousin + his partner on ordering pizza. Our current “normal” is to order from a local spot/local chain, they order from Domino’s (both of which I thoroughly enjoy). It’s just being aware that while we have similar baselines, interests, things we laugh about, these things can fluctuate wildly.
Socially, I am only willing to spend time with people who really like me. Someone who makes snippy comments at me does not make the cut. Most of my friends make much less than I do, but it doesn’t matter much.
Other than my one friend’s husband who clears $1m+ (you’d never know – he drives a Mazda), I make 2-3x more than any of my closest girlfriends. Now they all have spouses/second incomes (although one can’t work at all for health reasons currently so they are a one-income household) and sone have kids, but it hasn’t affected our friendships. Granted, I have never rented a private jet, as I am more of a dirt bag traveler, but I don’t budget, whereas they all do. I certainly treat from time to time, but I certainly don’t flaunt it and I while I certainly make a lot of money, I also am the only income paying my mortgage and SLs so it’s not like I am bathing in $100 bills over here!
How people treat their own wealth, especially in relation to others makes more difference than the $$ amount itself IMO
+1 I haven’t found large income and wealth differences to be a problem. How a person treats their income/wealth and how a person reads the room are what matter here.
It’s hard to say what’s happening here. I think there is a grain of truth to what your DH is saying. I guess I’d first look at my own behavior to see if I’m making any offhand comments that would lead to this type of reaction. But also, I don’t think your lives are quite as similar as you think. 300k in combined income is a LOT. Yes, even if you’re not like your college friends. Certainly you have a lot more to play with than a family bringing in 100K.
To further this, the idea that you’re “scrimping away” on savings goals rings sort of false, honestly. It might be this that they’re reacting to.
Yeah, this. I know where you live matters, but we make about half what you do and feel pretty well off. If someone with a 300k income told me they were “scrimping” to save, it would be a serious internal eyeroll for me.
Yeah, I would seriously roll my eyes at that attitude if I were OP’s friend.
I’m in my 40s. Friends of mine were griping about the local real estate market. I totally understand and will do the same since we were also looking to relocate (we both discovered kids take more room than we thought). The husband, who is normally very sensitive to these kind of things, said the problem was that all houses they were interested in were priced at $2-3 millions, not $1 million for a *normal family*. They have worked hard for their money, and taken risks, but my jaw kind of dropped. Frankly, although I very much like this couple, a few months after this conversation this is the only part I remember.
I’ve mostly worked in non profits and local government while my college friends work for the Big 4, our incomes aren’t all that different (45k vs 65k right out of college, now 75k vs 100k + bonus). Even with “only” a 20k difference, our lives and budgets are very different. And a lot of my friends have unknowingly made very ignorant and insensitive comments. Sometimes I call them out and sometimes I let it slide but as the sole non profit friend in my circle it can be exhausting sometimes.
And despite common misconception my benefits/PTO aren’t that good (usually worse than my friends!) and certainly don’t compensate for the low pay. I also work 75+ hour weeks, public accounting doesn’t get the trump card on that.
There’s also such a huge difference between the sectors. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to my private sector friends that there’s no coffee in my office. We had to buy the office microwave and if I forget to pack a fork with my lunch I’m SOL because there’s also no plastic utensils provided.
Your day to day life may look very similar. You may actually shop at the same stores and eat at the same restaurants but reality is at 300k, you have a TON more flexibility than them at 100k. You can pick up and go on vacation next week if you want without huge savings or planning for it. The car service place recommends a $500 thing being done, fine no problem. You don’t feel like cooking at all, great eat out all week. And to say nothing about how much more you’re putting away for your kid’s college while they know they’ll have to “hope” for financial aid and no financial aid does not cover every single cost or put their kid on equal footing with a kid whose parents can pay for all of college or even most of it. They probably perceive that you don’t have a continuous stress in their lives that they do at some level.
I think you’re underestimating how much college financing has changed. Back when I went to my very expensive elite school, it was $32k a year. Adjusting for inflation, that’s $56k a year. Except the sticker price is now $85,000 a year. Over four years, that’s an **extra** $120,000 per kid. Two kids? Cough up a quarter million more than you would have if prices kept pace with inflation since we were in college.
Basically, the goal is to wipe out as much of the savings of the upper middle class as possible.
On the other hand, financial aid for middle class and upper middle class families (household incomes ~$50-150k) has increased hugely at elite private schools.
My parents got zero financial aid when I went to my Ivy. Our incomes are higher than theirs (even adjusting for inflation) and my kid would get free tuition if she were applying today and could get in.
I read this the other day. It was eye opening and enraging
https://slate.com/business/2022/07/college-financial-aid-sham.html
One fun detail: Ashley’s SAT scores were lower than Ethan’s. I would bet good money that Ethan goes to a much better public school than Ashley does – his parents are well-to-do and her family struggles – and his “lower grades” are simply a result of being at a school where everyone is smart, parents hire tutors, etc.
Making 3x what your friends make means you are in very, very, very different financial situations and it’s ignorant of you to think otherwise.
Obviously you can still be friends! My mom is a catholic school teacher, her 2 closest friends are a secretary and a surgeon. They all get alone great and it’s never been a point of contention that the surgeon has not one but two vacation homes and my mom and the Secretary have zero. Also they met as adults so they’ve made this friendship thrive despite not having a long history of lifelong friendship.
Ditto my dad – he’s a mechanic. His group of super tight friends ranges from a construction worker to a teacher to a professor to a big law partner. Those guys are all lifelong friends and its never been an issue. In fact, everyone goes to the construction worker’s house to hang out because he has a pool and no one else does!
This sounds like a fairy tale world- in the best way possible! Most people I know are – I think – making similar money as I do and have similar educational backgrounds. Maybe the problem is that I live in a VHCOL city where there’s more stratification. Anyway, your situation sounds pleasant! I wish it were more common
We brought in about 10x last year as much as my closest friends do. (My three best friends are a public defender and two public school teachers). I think they probably think we bring in around 2x-3x as much as they do a year, because our lifestyle is keyed to around that level of spend. I do not recognize any of the things you’re saying.
We do treat almost every dinner/bar night out, and I have spotted friends things like a security deposit for a new apartment after a divorce (with no expectation of repayment). The public defender will probably get engaged soon, and I’ll probably offer to pay for his wedding photographer or something else in the $4-5k range. In other words—we are quietly lavish in gifts/support at the big moments, we don’t spend a lot in our day to day life, and we save about 60% of our income. I don’t know if that makes a difference, but yeah, have never heard any comments whatsoever that imply jealousy or anything like that.
Well I imagine your friends aren’t jealous or know not to speak up in any way that indicates jealousy because they know who is treating at every night out and handing them a down payment and paying for 5k of their wedding. I’m in the same financial boat as OP – I suspect you are in a very different boat. And no I’m not willing to do any of this for friends because they are JUST friends, they’ve made their career choices, and they aren’t my children.
Or they’re just good people and good friends. (And she said nothing about a down payment.) If you think everyone’s out to mooch off of you, you’re probably not attracting very nice people as friends and that’s on you.
+1 what an odd response. I have been both a person with wealthier friends who were very generous to me and the person who was the wealthier one who treats her friends. In neither scenario was it transactional or expected. Rather a nice thing a friend did for me or a nice thing I did for a friend.
My thoughts exactly, I’m also generous with my friends and am confident they actually just like me. I feel bad for 5:44
God, that’s a cynical response that makes a ton of assumptions. You are vastly overestimating how much a rural public school teacher / public defender makes in this country in poor states. OP and I are in basically the same financial boat; my friends are unfortunately barely above the poverty line. (Well, at least the teachers—I actually don’t know if I know how much the PD makes, but I know he still has 200k+ in student loan debt).
I’m in the city and they’re still back in home town an hour away, so we see each other roughly quarterly. Yes, I tend to pick up the $60 brunch tab or the $100 dinner tab when we see each other. And yep, I helped my friend escape an abusive marriage by getting her set up in a safe new place. And yep, I’ll help my childhood best friend who is doing really noble work but is six figures in debt have a good wedding photographer when he finally gets married.
We may do different things with our money, but I can assure you my friends aren’t “not expressing jealousy” because I’m buying their friendship or whatever you’re trying to suggest. And I also don’t think they’re children—I’m not, like, subsidizing them on the day to day. I don’t even get them holiday presents. But yeah, for big life events, I can afford to help, so I do.
Please don’t let that cynical response get to you. What you are doing is exactly what friends do for each other – sometimes you pick up the tab when you know someone is laid off, or you buy a plane ticket when someone is sick and their parents need help coming to visit.
I mean, I made $1mm last few years. I wouldn’t dream of offering to pay for the photographer of my best friend’s wedding. One is a teacher, another a non profit education program director. I think it would be so offensive if I offered to pay for such items for them. Money is not an issue between us and I feel like something so overt is bringing attention I try hard to not bring attention to. I definitely pick up tabs, find reasons that a nice dinner out is on me, pay for event tickets and claim they were given to me, but man, I just couldn’t fathom either accepting payment for some of the things you’re mentioning. They know I drive two very nice cars, have a nanny, go on nice vacations. Some of what you do for your friends just feels unnecessarily extra.
I’ve literally done two nice things for friends ever (and one of them hasn’t even happened yet), and that’s excessive? I’ve known these people for decades. The wedding photog is maybe a little excessive, and I may decide to just give a very large gift / offer to co-host their shower /engagement party instead. I guess I’ll noodle on that given others’ reactions here. But like, my god, you have a nanny and two cars and you wouldn’t write a $2k check to get one of your closest friends out of a situation where you’re legitimately worried about her safety? I’m not even a nice person, but that just seemed like a “well, duh,” as soon as she said she wanted to go but didn’t know how to handle the financial side given the nature of the marriage (controlling spouse, etc). I am pretty confident she would’ve done the same for me, except it would’ve been a loan because she can’t afford for it not to be.
Genuinely floored that that is viewed as “unnecessarily extra”—it sure feels like the bare minimum to me.
It’s very much a know your relationship thing. I’ve written a 2K check for a friend who was in a similar boat with housing. That friendship hasn’t changed. Another friend sends flowers a lot and I can’t keep up — she doesn’t seem to mind that I don’t, so that friendship hasn’t changed. But my Midwestern friend who makes the same as me is weird about money being even. I love the idea of gifting for the wedding photog if it isn’t weird between you. Just be cautious!
Yeah I’m with you on this. I make about 4x what my best friend makes and things were never awkward between us until I bought her a $1500 wedding gift that I knew was on her dream list. I think such an extravagant gift that couldn’t be reciprocated by her (not that I wanted that!) made her uncomfortable
I hesitated to answer this because I had a version of this issue with my long time friend. It wasn’t so much current income as security. My husband and I do not have any surviving parents/grandparents and there is no fallback position.
Having a friend who worked 9-5 like me but who had both a trust fund and still-alive, still-wealthy parents made it difficult to talk about financial stressors. Like if my job was making me stressed out, my friend would always say something like “OMG just quit your job!” as if it were that easy. It ended up being a topic I just didn’t venture into with her, but even with other non-job things, it was pretty difficult to find common ground.
I admit that I pretty abruptly drifted away from.my childhood best friend when she, a DC big law lawyer, married another big law lawyer, giving thrm a HHI of $500k at about 27y.o. while I was in school with prospects of a regular law job in a secondary market (where even Big Law salaries are materially lower), a single life, and significant debt. I just knew we were going to have very different lives and I did not want to deal.with it. I am still occasionally in touch and very friendly but I don’t actually have much to say to her and frankly even just going to visit every few years would have been a bit of a financial strain so I just never did. I know this upset her but I am not sure letting it die a slow death while she paid for everything would have been better.
Best concealer for redness? Like red spots from angry former breakouts on what is sort of a pale cool-undertone skin? Or would a full-coverage concealer be better?
I can’t get in to a dermatologist until September/October, but my skin is beyond awful from maskne or whatever is going on. I have very oily skin but it’s never broken out mainly on my cheeks before. And we’ve been mask free for a few months; it has gotten worse and not better :(
I like BHA acid to help my cheeks – not maskne, but Rosacea.
In my experience taking the time to set the concealer or foundation with a powder makes a difference. I like to use a sticky concealer, set with powder and then spot touch up with foundation and set again. Building the layers helps.
dr jart’s color corrector
+1000
Physician’s Formula concealer twins–there’s a dual-sided concealer that is green and light flesh. You need to use both–they have the right amount of yellow to fully hide stuff below light foundation like Mac Studio Fix.
This product also works wonders: CoxRX Blemish Cream. Comes in a little tub. Really great.
When my skin is really angry, sulfur helps. You get it in the cheap acne section at target or the drugstore.
Try to do a telehealth appt with a doctor in the interim–doesn’t have to be a derm.
I know hours/time tracking apps and programs have been discussed a lot here, but I previously wasn’t paying attention because I didn’t have to do that. Now I do, so does anybody have good recommendations?
Toggl!
Talk to me about hot tubs in your backyard… good? bad?
My parents have one and I love visiting them? It’s a little secluded in a corner of the deck – you can’t see it well from the neighbor’s home. I know maintenance has been an issue – so check that a local company supports the brand you install.
When I buy a house that will be one of my first purchases for it!
Either you are person who loves hot tubs and would use it routinely, or it will be a large eyesore. The answer depends on which group you fall into!
This. Am in a love it category so we have one. I also pay about $100/mo to have someone else handle the chlorine and cleaning
I would love having one but don’t want the maintenance involved. The chlorinated arts are a whole Thing.
chlorinated arts hahaha
Haha I feel like once you get it down it doesn’t need to be a Thing. My husband has some kind of little chemistry set he uses and literally spends less than 10 minutes a week on it.
Also: We love our hot tub and every time we use it we say we need to use it more. Plus they’re as good as a whole pool when you have very small kids. (Source: My parents had one when my son was little.)
You have to let it cool off before you put little kids in it, though.
Why? And how little? No kids personally but have a hot tub and my brother’s kids (ranging from 3-10) go in all the time. Genuinely curious if I’m allowing something dangerous.
AAP says kids under 5 should not get in hot tubs due to the risks of overheating and dehydration. Older kids should be limited to 20 minutes.
So after dropping an entire carton of milk on the kitchen floor, didn’t get my afternoon coffee as I can’t drink it black and having to clean that mess up, I didn’t then have time to run out and buy milk. I’m thinking I should keep powdered creamer around for this kind of thing. Do they still make the powdered stuff that was around when we were kids – my parents always kept it for power outages. I looked at one grocery store online right now and it seems like these liquid jugs which I imagine need to be refrigerated and don’t last that long.
I’ve never tried powdered creamer, but shelf life is one of the advantages of plant milks. We usually buy the refrigerated oat milk and have 2-3 in the fridge at a time since we don’t grocery shop often, but also have a few of the shelf stable kind on hand for backup (we cycle through them so they get used before they go bad, usually 4-8 months from purchase, vs. 2 months for the refrigerated kind).
You can get shelf stable milk, doesn’t have to be plant based either. Horizon sells some that are small. My Costco in the SF Bay Area has them.
I use premier protein shakes in mine and they come in little 12 oz sizes that are shelf stable forever.
Yes, coffee mate still sells the old school jugs of powder. No clue how it actually tastes, though.
Chemicaly
There is shelf stable milk (as well as oat milk and maybe other kinds) in cartons. Get one or two of those for emergencies. They are way better for you and less gross than the powdered creamer. I think the powder still exists, though.
In the UK you can get powdered milk, e.g. Nestlé NIDO milk powder, Marvel, Sainsbury’s…. Have a look at an expat site if you can’t find anything local.
Just buy a carton of UHT long life milk.
Powdered milk is also widely available.
Ice cream can also by used in case of emergency..or all time
I use a small container of half and half, which has a longer shelf life than the milk I buy.