Coffee Break: Lip Cheek Cream Blush Stick

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1. Ugh, my longer version is stuck on an earlier post…

   How do you handle catty, petty, dramatic colleagues? I have one who I cannot avoid and since we are not tweens in middle school, I am just over her juvenile behavior. I prefer to have a steady, cordial working relationship and she is instead very mercurial. She is jealous and backstabby, but is very careful not to let anyone but me see that side of her. I despise all of this. How do you deal with this?

   1. Gray rock?

      1. I’m trying, trying so hard. Any tips on how to maintain it when the person in question needles at every possible button?

      2. +1. As much as possible don’t give this person anything to work with.

   2. Same way I handled the catty drama of middle and high school. Ignored it. I legit would ONLY talk to her about work, nothing else. Not even – how are you, how was your weekend, more like here’s the spreadsheet Bob asked me to send you, do you have the report for me Joan, thanks. Stay completely even tempered and when she does try to pull you in to be friendly and gossip give one word answers [what did you do this weekend – nothing; how are you – fine; what are you doing for the holidays – no idea yet; don’t you think Bob in accounting is so dumb – I haven’t had any problems with him].

      I find in the work place these people get totally bored when there isn’t drama and they move on to seek drama with some other coworker; honestly in one instance I even had one such coworker move on altogether as she sought an internal posting in another department, complaining loudly about how our department just isn’t what it used to be [i.e. no one will engage me anymore, I’m bored, why haul myself to work for this – this was pre pandemic].

   3. OP – reposting the whole thing here:

      Workplace drama question.

      I have a coworker who vacillates from acting like she is my BFF and wanting to gossip nonstop, to coldly polite but distant when work forces us to interact, to flat out catty, juvenile trolling where she weaponizes access to information and becomes very territorial with it. This changes on a dime and she is very careful to be on good behavior whenever anyone else is present. I have to interact with her regularly and frequently. She often goes out of her way to create petty drama and then when she is called out on it she flaps around demonstratively trying to be seen as the bigger person for smoothing over the tension. I’m like “B, there was no tension until you created it!”

      I really dislike this. I prefer to have cordial working relationships with all colleagues, sometimes deeper friendships. I have a good, long, solid reputation as a calm, thoughtful presence. It’s like this person is jealous of my reputation and my few close friendships, realized she won’t ever earn similar ones on her own so is instead trying to mimic being the peacemaker while constantly throwing daggers in the background, or trying to get me to fly off the handle and stoop to her level. How do I deal with this? She seems to know exactly how close to the line she can get to avoid any actionable complaint, but I am more and more exhausted dealing with her. I wish we did not have to interact at all.

2. Best restaurants in Monterrey, CA? Thanks in advance!

   1. ETA: We like all food and all budgets.

   2. It’s a chain but I love the Charthouse at the end of cannery row. I don’t know what’s going on since COVID so I would check, but I love an old school high-end salad bar with chilled plates and they have one of the best. They even have caviar on it!

      I love the blackened tuna but it’s all good.

      1. I love the Chart House too, although I went to the one in Boston not Monterrey.

      2. Ohh I thought of another one. On the wharf (which you should visit, and which is not cannery row) I like Old Fisherman’s Grotto. Specifically I like a late lunch with a window table, a cold iced tea, and a crab salad sandwich on sliced sourdough with fries. To me, that is the perfect lunch.

         1. I thought that place was the definition of a tourist trap and the food was mostly mediocre. Clam chowder is good though.

            1. I’m not too cool to go to touristy places when I am, in fact, a tourist. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

               The crab salad was delicious.

            2. “Tourist trap” isn’t synonymous with “touristy. If you’re a tourist of course you do touristy things. But a tourist trap has unimpressive food or service for the price. Mamas Fish House in Hawaii is extremely touristy and expensive, but the food is wonderful and I would never describe it as a tourist trap.

   3. I’ve only been once but had a delicious meal of tacos and tiki drinks at Hula’s Island Grill!

3. Can anyone recommend a travel agent for families? Do they help you decide where to go/what to do/etc? I’m forever indecisive and as a result we never go anywhere.

   1. Pretty much any travel agent can work with families. They tend to specialize in destinations more than a type of traveler (e.g., if you want to go to Disney, work with a Disney-specific travel agent). They can offer some guidance about destination, but generally you need to have a sense of what kind of trip you want.

      If you know someone whose trips you envy, you could ask them if you can just copy their itinerary. I’m the Type A travel planner in my circles and have shared detailed trip plans with lots of friends and colleagues so they can take the same exact trip.

      1. Ha, yes. I have spreadsheets and itineraries, and happily send them to friends. I hate planning, but I’m good at it: and so I’m happy to share the mental load! I bet that if you tell us where you’re based and what sort of vacation you’re looking for, someone can hook you up…

      2. Same! I do detailed itineraries for my trips, and happily share them when asked!

         1. I asked a friend for her itinerary in Japan and she said “yeah we did Tokyo then some smaller cities.” Thx? Wasn’t sure if I was being rude in asking.

            1. You might need to be more specific? Im very aware of the fact that I could talk your ear off about travel so if someone Sasha what my itinerary was on a trip, I normally give a concise answer like that to avoid boring them. But if they phrase it like “I’m thinking of going to Japan, can you tell me more about your trip?” then they get waaaay more info, lol. Just make it clear you’re asking because you actually want the info and you’re not just asking about the trip to be polite.

            2. “If someone asks…” yikes I don’t know how “Sasha” got in there.

      3. Influencers/bl0ggers also often share detailed itineraries, or will if you ask.

   2. I haven’t used them, but KimKim seems to get good reviews if you want to travel outside the US. They have sample itineraries on their site that might help you pick “where.”

      1. We are using Kim Kim right now and not finding it to be a good experience…lack of follow through, split attention between our trip planning and the agent’s other company…we won’t do it again.

4. Reposting because I feel like it’s an interesting topic! Just to clarify – I was trying to gage if it seems like the benefit in the way people treat you based on looks is worth investing time into things like daily makeup or buying new clothes. Not like surgery or anything.

   Weird question – how many of you would consider yourselves conventionally beautiful / pretty? How do you feel like it’s affected your life?

   I used to feel like I was pretty conventionally attractive, before WFH. I.e., would usually get hit on a few times at parties, had people remark frequently on how life must be easy for me because of my looks or I worried too much considering. Since WFH, I’d say I’ve become solidly plain / average. Frumpy clothes / no makeup / hair up. I’m trying to figure out whether it makes sense to start re-investing time into my appearance, considering the time/cost considerations that go into it. Is it worth it? Or is it better to just stay average looking? I feel like I got more weird unwanted attention before that I don’t miss, but I also think I felt more valuable from the way people treated me (maybe this was a hollow illusion though…).

   1. I consider myself average-looking, and I think it’s an advantage as a woman. When I was in my 20s with long hair and an eating disorder, I had extra attention, but not from anyone I was interested in. Worthwhile men’s level of interest has been pretty consistent throughout my life: enough. Gross older men were inappropriate with me at work, but that seems pretty constant across all appearance types. I’m pretty sure I never got anything specifically because of my appearance, aside from basic white privilege and thin privilege.

      I now have a pixie cut with some grays, and a sustainable weight that involves no restricting. I don’t feel anyone treats me poorly, nor do I notice any difference when I wear makeup vs. not. I think if you are wearing clean clothes and don’t smell, people are polite and respectful overall.

      My oddest experience with this was that when I met my partner’s kids for the first time, their primary feedback to him was that I was pretty. (This was a few years ago, but I looked the same as I do now.) I was so surprised that that was anything they thought about me, let alone the main thing they thought! I was like…I thought they were into Frozen beauty standards? Where did this come from? I still don’t know, though it’s sweet.

      1. If you are at least average looking and are kind and fun, kids will often think that you are pretty. I think they are very attuned to facial expressions, so smiling, relaxed, warm reads as very important to them and therefore pretty.

         1. +1 “pretty” to kids mostly means “smiled a lot and was nice to me.”

   2. No – I think I’m kind of funny looking but can’t put my finger on why. Teeth, probably. I look ok in certain angles. But people absolutely do treat me differently when I’m no-makeup messy bun versus put together with makeup, so I make a huge effort to look as pretty as possible for teacher conferences, doctor’s appointments, and other times where I need them to like me as much as possible.

      If it makes you feel better it’s worth the time.

   3. I don’t consider myself beautiful. Many Indian-Am women my age are beautiful – I objectively am not and now at 40+ with grey hair even less so. I do get whatever benefits thin women get though.

      I get treated like a kid in jeans and a t shirt and even more so if people realize I’m single/not a mom. The one time it was VERY obvious that people treat you different is when I went to a dr. [who had fairly rude and dismissive at a prior visit but I was stuck seeing her again] straight from work in a business suit. She previously had known I was a lawyer but it’s like you could almost see something clicking regarding – this is a professional woman, you can’t talk down to her like you talk down to “regular” people and no I didn’t appreciate it. At the dr. it wholly should not matter whether I went to an ivy or what I do for a living vs. someone being an unemployed high school grad.

   4. I used to feel pretty. Before a pandemic baby. I felt like the type of person people noticed.
      Now with a two year old and wfh forever I feel the same way you do. Just blah and frumpy. I do notice on days I do my hair and makeup I feel a bit better, but in the summer in the Deep South it melts off so fast I don’t bother.

   5. Following my divorce, I had a glow up. Lost 25 lbs, tummy tuck and b reast lift, skincare, fillers, Botox, etc. I look better than ever, but it didn’t change anything on the inside. In fact, I think I feel a little sadder because I thought things would be much better. I don’t think men treat me any better either. I just get more attention, but not better attention if that makes sense. I’m overall pretty happy, but it’s not because of my looks.

   6. I am attractive. In my teens and 20s, I was a 10. Now I am a 7/10 or 8/10 depending on how much effort I put in. My least attractive period was during 2020-2021 because of the unbelievable exhaustion of pandemic parenting little ones while working full-time. I looked and felt like garbage.

      I benefit from attractive bias in my ordinary interactions in a way that’s hard to describe. My mother is noticeably beautiful and I see the same thing happen to her.

      1. +1 to your last paragraph.

         I actually think I am more attractive now than as a teenager and early 20s, because back then I was naturally very, very skinny (think, 5’9 and 110 pounds). I am still very thin now, two kids and almost 20 years later, but have noticeably grown into my body in a way that makes me more filled out and significantly less gangly (around 125-130 now).

   7. I have an objectively attractive face and I do think it has lent me pretty privilege. BUT I notice that people tend to treat me best when I am wearing light/natural makeup, my hair is neat, and I am dressed somewhat up and my clothes and (underrated importance) shoes are in good condition. When this is the case, I’ve had doctors take me more seriously, govt bureaucrats respond more nicely and effectively, and in general just get a better level of interaction wherever.

      1. Regarding shoes… you’re not from Boston.

         Being from Boston, I live in the firm belief that shoes need to be clean and, I dunno, intact? Now in a different part of the country, wow, people notice shoes!

   8. I am pretty. I am also thin and fit. I’ve been told I’m gorgeous and beautiful by strangers and known people, alike. All of that said, I absolutely benefit from my looks regularly. I think it’s gross, even though it’s reality, so I try to always be as nice as possible to everyone and also to pass it forward whenever I can. I receive the benefits whether I am dressed up or dressed down. I really don’t wear much make up, so I can’t speak to whether it’s worth the effort as I don’t have to put all that much in to reap the benefits. What I will sa is that my life would look very different from a career and social perspective if I didn’t have the advantage provided to me by how I look, And I really like my life, so I am incredibly grateful for this.

      The flip side of this is, I’ve experienced a lot of trauma that might not have happened if I didn’t look the way that I look. I wouldn’t change anything because it’s made me into the person who I am today and I’m very proud of that person, but it certainly wasn’t easy and I had to do a lot of work to get to a place where I even liked myself, let alone liked how I looked.

   9. I am and always have been told often that I am very pretty/beautiful, but I am overweight (working on it but not terribly focused) so that counterbalances things. I don’t have great makeup skills, so follow a very basic routine and do less when my skin is good or my eyes are bright, and my hair looks best after just a press with a towel and air drying, but I can’t imagine ever not making a minimal effort to look good. I think I have more friends of both se×es because I am pretty. I don’t think it has made a big difference at work. Maybe a little but nothing obvious, perhaps just not being unfairly excluded. And it has cut both ways in dating. Some men assume I am coupled or unapproachable, but in my late 40s I have an active dating life and get asked out by men from 26-56.

   10. Attractive and slim and benefit from the bias in that favor. I was raised by a mother who emphasized that looking intentionally nice and being taken seriously as an intelligent woman were completely incompatible, so it took until my 30s to embrace clothes, make up, etc. I took a break during the height of the pandemic but I’ve gone back to having my nails done, good skincare, nice haircuts and color. I’ve also been upgrading my clothes so everything I wear looks intentional (but a much smaller wardrobe), and wearing a small amount of makeup. It’s surprising how hard it was for me to embrace that these are worthwhile things to spend time and money on! Especially as a single mom of a daughter, it’s made me even more conscious about the kinds of messages I pass on to her. I do feel better about how I look when I am well groomed, and I do think that it translates for me into confidence.

   11. I am not, to the point that it’s something others remarked upon my entire life (Good thing she’s smart!). *Shrug*. It is what it is.

       1. I’m not conventionally pretty, and never have been. Now, in my late 40s, it’s hard to say what effect it’s had. I’m successful (an exec at a tech company), married to a wonderful partner who I’ve been with since I was in college, with lots of friends from each phase of my life. Maybe all of this would have been easier if I’d been prettier, but I don’t feel like it’s made a big difference. And now that I am officially middle-aged (and have enough professional credibility built up) I am utterly over trying to look any special way.

          1. I’m the 4:13PM Anon. The one upside to being utterly lacking in the looks department is that invisibility is my superpower, particularly as I’ve gotten older. Being able to observe without being noticed can be just as useful as being the center of attention.

   12. Yes, I vary between thinking I am pretty and beautiful and sometimes striking (never cute though!). I am also someone for whom a tiny bit of makeup – like, just concealer and lipstick – makes a HUGE difference so I go almost nowhere without a little makeup. And I’m a great dresser and am known for my accessories. But I’m not someone who, for example, gets nails done or botox or things like that so it’s an interesting balance. I’ve been stopped on the street by strangers saying I am beautiful, I’ve been told I look like various gorgeous celebrities over the years also by strangers, but I am also NOT someone who historically gets hits on in bars. I think I’m more gorgeous to women than to men which honestly suits me fine. Women are way harder to impress.

       Notably, my body has ranged from curvy to quite overweight to whatever I am now (def on the midrange side but I wear it well) which I think keeps me from being seen as more conventionally attractive.

       I like my looks generally but mainly because I have a strong genetic line and I love seeing my ancestors in my face and looking to the children of my siblings and seeing my face in theirs! But I can’t lie – I’ve played the game many times of being in a work meeting and ranking myself among the group of women there and I definitely think my looks have helped since in my profession having a high profile is important.

   13. My face is average looking for East Asian women (especially as I usually don’t put on makeup and many East Asian women do daily [my mom who doesnt even leave the house some days]), but I’ve been told I have a good body – slim, long legs… I have noticed that I get treated better when I put on makeup and more form fitting clothes than my natural tendency to wear loose clothing. I don’t like how this is the way the world works, but I also can’t be bothered to put on makeup every day.

   14. I am probably conventionally pretty. There have been pros and cons.

       Work: I think men wanted to hire, train, and work with me when I was younger. Now that I am older, I am respected by men of my vintage. The younger men with less experience resent the heck out of my title/participation/authority. There are almost no women in my arena, but I make a real effort to mentor the few very junior women in my org.

       Personal: I think I attract more predators and/or men that are only superficially driven. I am single and bummed about it. My last serious boyfriend was 9 years ago and I almost never get asked out. On OLD I attract a lot of interest but those men quickly reveal themselves to be unkind, unemployed, and/or unable to pull their weight (they want to move into my home, and have me wait on them while they play video games). The bright side of this is that I have had time to grow my career. I am at the top of my field with a 7-figure net worth and I built it alone.

       Also I am super insecure that any boyfriend will just leave when I’m not conventionally pretty anymore.

       1. On a sidenote – why is it seem like it’s always the men who have the least to offer that are the most demanding?

          1. Some women do this, too. What’s the Facebook meme? “Her – if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Her best – burns spaghetti and is rude to your family.”

   15. not only am I not conventionally attractive, I’m a total tomboy and have been since I was a child.
       As to how it’s affected my life, well, I spent the majority of my childhood and part of my adulthood being told how I could change to become more attractive. Most of it came from other women, and once I passed my prime so to speak, it stopped.
       Looking ‘average’ isn’t a bad thing, and isn’t another word for frumpy. I enjoy buying new clothes and looking put together when I leave the house, and so do may other average looking women.
       If you feel it’s important to to put in the time and effort you did before, then it’s worth it.

   16. I used to get a lot more attention when I was younger and thinner. I noticed it when I would travel, especially. I look kind of ambiguously “ethnic” in a way that is common where I am from, but not in other places. I would definitely get treated better in almost any situation when I was thinner but also brought on negative attention that I am grateful to not receive anymore. (Men following me, etc. Even when I was younger with my dad there!) I have a friend who is conventionally beautiful and whenever I go anywhere with her men send us drinks, pay for our meal, etc. I joke with her she is the best person to go out with because everything is free. But she gets embarrassed and doesn’t like the attention.

       1. I’d like to point out that the style of comments and jokes that you make to your friend, even though she visibly hates it, are part of the systematic societal misogyny that keep women from telling about abusive men and creeps, this idea that unwanted attention and invasive people somehow being a “perk”, or a compliment. Trust your friend and help her rebuff instead.

5. Does anyone have any tips on working with cleaning people when you’re ADHD and your house is full of clutter and doom piles because you have to see things to remember they exist?

   1. You have two choices with cleaning people — clean before they clean and pay less or pay more to have them tidy too. If you organize your doom piles into containers (old backpack zipped up etc.) and neat piles they can just skip them and you can chose option 1. If not, option 2 and they will move your stuff around. I recommend option 1 but you really have to have it so they don’t have to pick up any of your clutter.

      1. I want to pay somebody to tidy too, but I can’t seem to find that service option.

         1. They won’t tell you that’s an option they’ll just quote you a much higher price when they come over for a quote and see your clutter.

   2. Yeah just tell them to do the best they can to work around your piles. And you try harder. Pick one doom pile and clean it every two weeks. You do not need them they are not helping that is your brain lying to you.

      1. Yikes to telling someone with a mental illness affecting exactly this task to “try harder”. Do you also tell people with depression to “just be happy”?

         1. I don’t think adhd is a mental illness. And there is no fairy coming along to fix your life.

            1. It’s a disability, not a mental illness.

               OP wasn’t waiting for a fairy; they were asking about how to pay good money for help.

            2. Regardless, that’s just useless advice.

            3. Neither a fairy nor trying harder will help with my ADHD or bad knee. In both cases, what helps is developing work-arounds and strategies for doing what I need to do. For my piles, I have a weekly podcast I enjoy that is my tidying podcast. 40 minutes a week I pull up a stool (for the knee) next to a pile, and work out what’s in it, sort it, and put most of it away. If it doesnt have a home, it goes in a special “I need a home” pile which is gradually shrinking as I get better at my organization and storage systems. The special pile gets a separate session regularly to group common items and brainstorm ideas of where to keep them.

   3. Use an ADHD life coach, the correct medications, a counselor and other tools and resources to improve your executive functioning skills

   4. OP here. I like my piles. I’m highly educated and successful, my piles are serving me fine. I just want a cleaning person to not rearrange them. I have money, I want to spend it, I should be able to keep whatever f’ing house I want.

      1. Absolutely. Nothing wrong with piles if they work for you. I have both good piles and doom piles where stuff gets lost. I only work on clearing the bad ones. Ignore the ignorant.

      2. Oh then literally just tell them that!! It’s a perfectly fine ask.

6. Simple question – what are the easiest ways to build core strength if you’re just looking to do individual exercises a few minutes/day, rather than undertaking a full yoga and pilates regimen (I’d ok ok with a few specific yoga/pilates moves but am not looking for an entire hour long class daily). I’d also be interested in ideas that aren’t planks.

   1. Check out FitnessBlender. Lots of free workouts. You can search on their website for which area of your body you want to focus on.

   2. Reg crunches, V ups (single and double leg), Russian twists, bicycle crunches . . .

   3. Core exercises are my favorite. Our core holds us up; everything starts from our core. I like to build core heat and work my way out. Sometimes when I’m feeling like I’m dragging during the day/walking heavier, I will engage my core and feel myself lighter. Most of that is probably in my head. :)

      Anyway, to answer your question, here are my favorite core exercises:
      On the floor: tons of crunches variations, side crunches/twists, bicycles, knees bent tapping the sides of my feet, dead bugs, boat poses/modified boat poses, leg lifts, side planks, forearm planks, forearm side planks, down dog to plank movements, clamshells with hip raised, butterfly bridges.
      Standing: any kind of balancing pose engages the core. you can take wide legs, bring your arms to goalpost/cactus arms, and then crunch side to side/laterally, etc. Wide leg cross body toe touches. Cross body chops. Single leg dead lifts.

      A lot of the above options are super easy to do while lounging/watching tv.

      But honestly the best way to learn any of these is to take a 5-10 minute class – If you have Peloton app, this is really easy – search the strength exercises for 5-10 minute core workouts.

      I also love this retro workout because it works well and makes me laugh – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWjTnBmCHTY&t=34s

   4. there are free sessions from 5 minutes to 25 minutes for core strength on youtube you can check out – Mad Fit is good!

   5. In addition to the others mentioned, try dynamic bridges, TA tilts, bird dogs, and dead bugs. Make a circuit of them all, starting with 10 reps or 1 min each, repeat a few times.

      1. These are good options!

   6. I highly recommend Les Mills Core – you can choose 15 or 30min version and they both work. I had to rebuild mine after abdominal surgery and can attest to their efficacy.
      My favorites are:
      C-crunches
      Bicycle crunches
      Expanding your legs and arms to the ground from a c-crunch (I do this with weights in my hands)
      Lay on your back, weights in your hands and arms 30cm above floor, lift legs to 45deg and then bring your left knee towards your chest, but stop above hips, then alternate legs.
      Do a plank on elbows, then do small steps to the side, alternating your feet (one foot goes out, then in, other foot out, then in), repeat 15-20 times. If you want extra burn, add arms: when your left leg goes “out”, reach your right arm forward and to the side; alternate.
      Engage core and keep lower back on floor during all exercises. Remember to do some back exercises as they are part of your core (and you need then to balance the abs).

7. last week (i think) there was a discussion here about home lattes/expressos and steamed milk for non-coffee snobs. Anyone know what I’m talking about and what day it was?

   1. Someone had a coffee question that was answered with a recommendation for an aeropress. Hope that helps somehow!

      1. thanks

   2. I was the one who asked, I got the aero press and I LOVE IT!!! It was exactly what I was looking for!!

      1. Also I think I asked it on Wednesday but maybe Tuesday?

      2. I’m the one who suggested it; so glad to hear you like it!

      3. I love that you love it. The Aeropress is a genius invention.

8. Two enthusiastic thumbs up for this product!! I have it in multiple colors and I use nothing else for blush these days. Also great for a quick swipe on the lips to give me a little life.

   1. Do you have to blend with your fingers? I guess I have extra ridge-y fingerprints because, even after washing my hands, makeup products stick to my fingertips and I end up depositing color throughout the day on my clothes, my steering wheel, etc. So I still use powder blush.

      1. …because I can apply it with a brush.

         1. No. I use a brush to blend it on my cheeks after swiping directly from the tube and use the tube like lipstick on my lips. Super easy!

            1. Awesome, thanks!

   2. I have a mini one of these in my travel case in more of a muted rose, and it’s perfect. I don’t tend to use it on my lips though.

9. What’s your completely random secret guilty pleasure obsession?

   Mine is… home tours and lifetyle videos from japanese vloggers who are single women living alone in small, neat apartments. Bonus points if there is no english translation (I don’t know japanese).

   1. Stardew Valley

      1. YESSS! I love Stardew!!

   2. Rewatching old gymnastics meets. Home organization reels on Instagram. Sexy historical fiction (but it has to be at least a little bit smart).

      1. Have you read Jeannie Lin? She is fabulous for this.

      2. Jenny Brown is probably more “historical sexy fiction” but definitely a bit smart.

   3. Knitting very complex lace from old German patterns. I have so many gorgeous giant lace wraps and shawls that are absolutely not my style but were so much fun to puzzle out.

      1. +1, but antique thread crochet patterns.

   4. +1 on the Japanese vlogs. I generally like lots of different vlogs with people who are very intentional about what they are doing. It feels like a variant of meditation, yoga for the mind.

   5. I used to watch Iron Chef back when it was new in the US and broadcast with no subtitles. It was so much fun!

   6. This type of vlog sounds right up my alley and so soothing. Can you share some specific recommendations?? I don’t know where to start.

10. Hopefully not too late in the day but…advice wanted. I have a friend who was one of my besties. We had a tight little friend group. A few years ago she moved a few hours away, but we still stayed in decently close touch—visiting frequently, group texts, etc. She’s definitely had some self-sabotaging behavior in the past and I want her to be happy and treat herself with love—she’s had some hard stuff happen in life.

    So she started seeing someone at work, and had to hide it because (a) work but moreso (b) person had a partner already. I tried not to be super judgey, and eventually person broke up with partner and they told work, and yay. I was in town a couple months later at an event for other friends, and person was apparently anxious to meet me…so got sloppy drunk, and it was awkward. I wasn’t impressed, but would’ve been fine, maybe eventually gotten to know them, etc. But then it came out that they’d actually been cheating on friend the entire time, and gaslighting her etc etc. Friend was devastated…and they got back together a month later. Friend says she’s happy and it’s so different (???). I want her to be happy but have zero desire to hang out with the cheating sack of lies, even if they are now not lying (supposedly).

    They’re now engaged and talking about eloping in the fall. Is my option “get in line and pretend you like sack of crap” (super hard, I’m not good at lying) vs “lose friend forever/until sack of crap shows true colors again”?

    1. Don’t be friends with this disaster person.

    2. This is a keep your mouth shut situation. You don’t have so say anything you don’t mean, but also you don’t need to keep providing your opinion of Prince Charming to your friend, because she already knows. Don’t offer advice unless asked. Be there for her because it sounds like she’s going to need you.

       1. This. I had a Very Bad Husband for an embarassingly long time, and it would have been even harder if all my friends had decided I was a “disaster person” and dumped me (although some people, including my own parents for a while, did just that).

          You don’t have to like him, you don’t have to pretend to like him, and you don’t even have to hang out with them as a couple. But keep in touch with her because she’s going to need you.

    3. I asked a similar question about this a little while ago! I got some really helpful answers. My former best friend had a horrible boyfriend who tried to coerce us into a threesome (among other things). I’d never liked him, but tried over and over to give more second chances until I eventually couldn’t anymore once the threesome happened.

       Once I was where you’re at in terms of hating him and not being able to hide it, I took the opportunity to just tell my friend candidly (and honestly pretty harshly) how I felt. I explained I was physically repulsed by him, I didn’t like the way he treated her and that he seemed emotionally abusive, that I was worried about her. She really didn’t hear me at all and seemed completely unphased by my words. Didn’t even get mad. A month later, she made a comment like, “I know it’s crazy, but I feel like you don’t like Joe? I’m not sure why. I just need you to tell me you do because I obviously can’t have a best friend who doesn’t approve of my partner.” I’m not the kind of person to lie about things like that, and it felt like it a) would’ve been enabling to their relationship and normalize toxicity + borderline abuse and b) abandoning myself, repressing my own feelings for the sake of the friendship, and kind of laying myself over hot coals to avoid anyone else feeling uncomfortable. I felt though that because I communicated how I felt and was honest, and she chose to pose it as an ultimatum, that I was very very clean in it all.

       My point here is that I think you can only act with integrity and honor yourself, and not worry about how to anticipate or control her response. If you are the type of person to be able to look past hating someone and just have fun with them (I’m definitely not), I think you could proceed as though you don’t harbor ill-will. But if you actively don’t want to hang out with him, I think you should honor that for yourself and set reasonable boundaries. It is perfectly fine to communicate to her that you’d prefer to hang out one-on-one given the nature of their relationship, or even communicate to her some of the worries/concerns you have since they’re coming from a place of love. If she decides “my best friend has to LOVE my fiance or else she and I are done,” that will be her choice and her ending the relationship. It isn’t fair for her to ask you to essentially lie to her / yourself for the sake of maintaining her fantasy about who this guy is. You can’t control or fix other people, but you can honor yourself and what you need from your relationships.

       In terms of communicating, doing so as gently, kindly, and from a place of love may be helpful in setting the boundary. Maybe there are ways to show up for her and your friendship that don’t involve having to hang out with this guy or fake positive feelings you don’t have.

       Sending you lots of love.

    4. Yep, those are your options.

       And maybe you’re “not good at lying” but don’t pretend it’s impossible for you to not totally trash this guy when you’re with your friend. Unlike the ADHD situation above, “try harder” actually is good advice here. You can be right or you can be this person’s friend, but it’s unlikely you’ll get both.

       1. Yeah, I’ve been keeping my mouth fairly shut since they re-started dating several months ago, but she’s very aware of my feelings, from before. I feel like one on one I can do ok and not trash talk etc, but just not sure I can hang out with them as a couple and pretend to be having fun—but since she doesn’t live near, that’s harder to do, especially if they move in together/get married!

    5. Basically, yes, although I think there’s a slight tweak on the first option where you tell her things like “I’m so happy you’re happy” and don’t actually praise this person or the relationship.

       My best friend is married to a douchebag. He’s good on paper and there was no infidelity or substance abuse but I’ve just never liked him. The first time we met he made a very crass comment about a certain s3x thing he liked to do to my friend, which wasn’t the best first impression (we were 29 at the time; this wasn’t at a college frat party) and I’ve never really warmed up to him. He’s extremely bro-y and has very traditional views about men’s and women’s roles in the home. Now they’re married with three kids and he does zero housework or parenting, despite the fact that her job is more prestigious and demanding than his. She’s unhappy and I saw this coming about a decade ago, but she was blinded by lust and good on paper qualifications, and so I bite my tongue.

    6. In a similar situation, my BFF said to me “I am Team Anonymous. I will always be Team Anonymous. If this is what you want right now, I will support you. But I have to say I don’t think your boyfriend appreciates you enough and I have a hard time with that.” That told me our friendship was intact but maybe they would not be besties and I shouldn’t try for that. She was never unkind to my BF (she actually likes him but not the relationship), and I would not have wanted her to interfere. Also, she wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. It seems like you could say something similar here since she has told you he cheated with and on her so not trusting him seems based in evidence.

    7. I once read something in a Carolyn Hax column that really stuck with me. Basically, if the marriage is going to happen anyway and you’re right that the whole thing will end in disaster, you can either be a person who said, early on, “I’m glad you’re happy and I’m hoping for the best for both of you” or a person who, when the breakup comes, gets to say “I told you so.”

       I personally think there’s space to decide that the whole thing is so awful you just can’t personally engage, and you can always decide who you’re willing to spend time with, etc., but barring that, consider how you want this friendship to go down the line.

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