ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 304 Comments

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Collared Tie-Waist Top

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing a black tie-waist top and striped ivory pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This top from Ann Taylor is an interesting take on a traditional button-up. I honestly can’t decide if I love it or hate it, but for some reason, I can’t stop looking at it. I think I like the collar and the wrap details, but my brain is just a little confused by the buttons closest to the collar. I’m going to have to track it down in person, but please let me know your thoughts! 

The top is $59.15 (marked down from $84.50) at Ann Taylor and comes in XXS-XXL. It also comes in white. 

Sales of note for 4/10:

304 Comments

  1. Morning all!
    I am wondering if anyone has a good estate planning attorney or firm that they can recommend for my in-laws. They moved to Colorado (Denver area) a few years back and are only now getting organised and updating their documents. They moved from Canada and so only have old outdated Canadian wills. Fairly substantial (low 7 figure) net worth with assets in Canada and US.
    Appreciate any recs!

    3. I used Kottke & Brant in Boulder. Everything was virtual except for the final signing, when we went to their offices. They are very experienced in this area, and have strong processes to get this done, which I really appreciated.

  2. I’d love to hear from women who’ve microdosed a GLP-1, or who have otherwise used one of these meds to lose a small amount of weight. I’m 45, in good health, and would love to lose 5-10 lbs. I eat relatively well and work out (alternating lifting and cardio at a bootcamp-style gym) hard 5-6 times per week. I am by no means medically obese or even close to it and fully acknowledge that this would be so I feel more like myself in my body.

    My concern comes from the fact that due to some medical issues, I already have delayed gastric emptying — so I’m conscious that a GLP-1 may not be for me. My PCP would not prescribe this so I would need to go another route in order to get a scrip for it.

    I understand that lots of readers will want me to love myself as I am, to go the slow/steady weight loss route (I have tried!), etc. I see you and I hear you. But I’m curious about this and would like to hear from those who’ve done it.

    1. I know it’s not what you asked, but with the delayed gastric emptying, I’d want to try metformin first for losing such a small amount of weight (plus a lot of beneficial side effects like better long term health outcomes).

      1. Not OP, but my doctor refuses to prescribe me metformin off-label for longevity outcomes. It’s obnoxious every year.

        1. CDC estimates that about a third of US adults have an on-label indication for metformin (based on A1C or glucose tolerance testing), but prediabetes is underdiagnosed (as in the majority of people who should be diagnosed are not diagnosed currently), and metformin is underprescribed by primary care. I am not really sure what is up with those stats when it seems like such low hanging fruit! But if generally most people who have an indication aren’t getting it, I’m not surprised that people are struggling to get it off label too.

          1. The OP – only 5-10lbs above her desired optimal weight – doesn’t sound like the typical underdiagnosed prediabetes subgroup. Not by a longshot.

        2. This was my exact experience. I’m not diabetic, had elevated A1C numbers but not high enough to hit my practice’s threshold, but was trying to battle sudden hormonal eating patterns and was up 15 lb. I ultimately got my metformin script through an online telehealth practice. Lost 12% of my body weight in 6 months. Doesn’t work for everyone, but it worked for me.

        1. It’s an old, old med used for insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome, prediabetes, and type 2 diabetes. Some retrospective studies found better outcomes with aging in patients on metformin for indicated conditions than in healthy people, which raised a bunch of interest in using it as an anti-aging intervention. The research has been promising since then, but “anti-aging” is not a real indication for a drug, and it’s a cheap generic, so it’s not like there’s a real prospect of it becoming an FDA approved anti-aging med any time soon.

          But increases GLP1 secretion a little, and people often do lose some weight on it. I think the main risk to non-diabetics is trouble absorbing B12. The main side effects are GI, but it seems sort of hit or miss whether it speeds things up or slows things down for an individual. But generally there’s a lot more research on it than microdosing GLP1s so my bias is for “tried and true” over brand new! Though I am still curious about GLP1 microdosing and what we’ll learn (like if it lowers inflammation in autoimmune disease, that is interesting to me).

          1. I have heard mixed results (anecdotally) on how GLP1s impact autoimmunity. As with all autoimmune treatments, it’s life changing for some and useless for others. My rheumatologist will not prescribe a GLP1 but does not object to me being on it. I haven’t tried yet.

          2. I posted below, but my inflammation was gone within three days of starting wegovy and it also cleared up my psoriasis.

        2. I was put on it because I’m insulin resistant (PCOS, too – it’s as initially Rx’d asp art of infertility treatments 9-10 years ago and PCP told me to stay on it). I know it’s commonly prescribed to diabetics because I’m constantly asked by doctors if I’m diabetic when I tell them I’m on it. I’ll admit I don’t know a ton about it but I take 1500 mg daily, and it combined with my Wegovy have changed my life (down 90 lbs). I can’t say what impact Metformin alone would have had on my weight loss, but the combo is what was recommended so I take it. I take it at night so any side effects (people report nausea) aren’t felt.

    2. I’m doing it. I can’t seem to maintain the weight I was at my entire life until I hit forty and gained 25 pounds without these drugs. I’m educated and apparently disciplined enough to workout nearly daily, meal plan, track and meal prep but something makes it very difficult to get through the day on the appropriate amount of calories for losing and maintaining a healthy weight without this stuff.

      I can’t speak to your specific situation but the medicine works great for me. I’m back to the weight I was at my whole life until 40.

      The horrible part, and it’s actually pretty rough, is how other people have reacted. I managed to be pretty zen about my weight gain. I dressed well; I took care of myself. Yet, when I lost the weight everything changed. My family, parents, aunts and uncles, is constantly commenting about how great I look. My husband is attracted to me for the first time in years. We have a close emotional relationship and when I brought it up, he said it wasn’t the weight; it was my confidence. I promise you this was a very kind lie. I dont “see” the weight loss or gain anywhere but the scale. It all feels pretty crummy that it matters so much.

      People are crazy judgmental especially about people using like i am: paying through the nose for a semi sketchy remote provider to prescribe it. I sit through a lot of rants from people who apparently don’t think I use these drugs about how stupid people who use them are. Or how weird they look. I kind of just ignore it because I feel like I’d mortify them if I confronted them.

      I guess my point is: somehow at 44 years old everyone has a really strong opinion about my body. Even when I tried to opt out the world didn’t let me. It’s kind of a false choice that I could just buckle down and try harder and not use these drugs. Basically I see this as the price I have to pay to have the kind of body that everyone around me values. So no judgment.

      1. This is why I get so mad at the diet exercise people in these threads. I see you, I hear you and it’s life changing. I’m just convinced that some people will never get it and they can live their sad diet obsessed lives. I’ll be over here feeling great.

        1. It is possible to be happy in your body even if you’re not the ideal thinness, and I’m sorry that you and so many others don’t think that’s possible for you.

          3. Please see my comment above about trying to opt out. Honestly I still worry about my hair more than my body when it comes to looks.

            Just because people aren’t telling your weight is a problem for them doesn’t mean it isn’t. All things being equal I’d probably stay overweight, but my marriage and relationships are negatively impacted by it. I can’t fix that with my mindset. No one can.

          4. 11:31: It is possible to scroll along and not bore us with your toxic positivity. Go away.

      2. I lost 20 lb in my early 30s on weight watchers (pre GLP-1). It was really, really eye-opening to see how differently people treated me.

      3. I’m below you with the vanity weight loss, and I hear this, loud and clear. I was a D1 athlete, and I *and society* have long both prized and valued my strong, healthy, lean body. My 40s, plus COVID, means I’m just softer all over now. 10 to 15 lbs shouldn’t mean much, but it does, in my eyes and society’s eyes. I kind of went on the GLPs begrudgingly, but hopeful. I have really mixed emotions that I couldn’t handle even the lowest dose of Wegovy. On one hand, I will admit anonymously only that I was really looking forward to reclaiming “skinny” or “athlete” privilege. On the other, it was kind of a relief that it was a definite no go for me, and I am who I am at this point.

    3. Your PCP has explained their strong reasoning not to prescribe you a medication based on your health history, but you want to source medical information on trying it anyway from random people online? Get a second opinion from a qualified doc (not a GLP-1 pill mill!) if you want a second opinion.

      1. But did the PCP explain their strong reasoning, or do they just not prescribe microdosed GLP1s to anyone at all ever, and OP is concerned about the potential contraindication?

        Delayed gastric emptying has always been a subspecialist issue for me (as in my PCP doesn’t advise on it, and my gastroenterologist sent me to a motility specialist gastroenterologist because they felt it was out of their wheelhouse as well).

        1. Actually that is something OP may want to think about as well, since there are so many underutilized prokinetics (if any doctor says the only option is Reglan but it has bad side effects, a better doctor is needed!).

        2. It’s definitely worth making an appointment to better understand why. Or, if you think your doc just isn’t that knowledgeable about the meds for your specific situation, go ahead and make an appointment for a second opinion with another doc.

        3. I’d change doctors. They have a range of opinions on this topic like people here. Find one compatible with you.

      3. Agree with this. My primary walked through several other drug options (glp and not) before I settled on Zepbound. I had chronic diarrhea following colon cancer and the drug has been a godsend aside from dealing with obesity. So I’m very much pro-glp. But you may still ultimately decide on a different path based on your opposite stomach issue. Seems wild to not at least consider options and weigh risks like any other health decision. Switch to a better primary if you need to.

    4. Have you tried using a calorie-counting app? You say you “eat relatively well” but you might be surprised by how much room there is for improvement if you track what you eat (I know I did). Eating one extra snack could negate the calories you burn in a daily workout, so it’s much easier to lose 5-10 pounds by focusing on your eating than on working out. GLP-1s are designed for people who have diabetes or are obese, not for healthy people trying to lose 5 pounds. Once you stop taking GLP-1s, you will gain back the weight anyway.

      1. So much wrong with this. It’s not easier as you age to just drop 10 lbs. at all. It’s often exhausting and mentally taxing. It can take a year to lose that if you’re lucky and deprive yourself and devote all your energy to it. Not the case with an GLP. Also, you stay on a GLP1 for life, typically at a low dose but you don’t “come off” them. They have so many benefits and if you do well on them, there’s no reason to stop taking them either. They are not just for the clinically obese at all.

        1. I lost 10 pounds with a calorie-counting app after age 40 within a couple months. I found tracking incredibly helpful because I was more conscious of what I was eating and could reflect and make better choices. Not everyone has to deprive themselves or devote all their energy to losing weight.

          2. I feel like people successful at calorie counting are the same people who are successful at budgeting. They like putting concepts into narrow boxes.

            But I like eating food.

          3. I was successful at calorie counting, but the effort was tremendous (I can still estimate the weight and calorie count of any food quite accurately and it took years to STOP doing that at a glance). My energy was low, my quality of life suffered, and I had to plan days around getting just enough but not too much food to make it effective.

            It’s so much healthier to just fix the actual medical problem instead of accommodating it.

          4. Good for you. Seriously. But it didn’t work for me. My gynecologist told a bawling me “look, you just need medical intervention to lose the weight.” I was bawling because for four months I exercised daily and kept calories to 1200-1300. I’m short and old. It wasn’t an enough and it was effing miserable on a daily if not hourly basis to just lose one to one and half pounds per month. Add a GLP-1 and I’m down 55 pounds in a year and a half with zero misery.

      2. No, it’s not easier to lose weight by eating less than by adding workouts, at least not if you are on the small side. Cutting 200 calories of food when your maintenance calories are already low is next to impossible if you want to be able to function. It’s easier to add 200 calories of walking. That will make you somewhat hungrier, but not as ravenous and exhausted as eating 200 calories less.

        1. When you track your food, you can look back and think, hmmm, this meal wasn’t filling and it had more calories than I would have liked. What’s another option that I could eat that would fill me up and give me energy? You can look back at your recipes or meals and identify more of the better options. Then next time, you can add more of those meals into your day. It’s not impossible to shave 200 calories. It’s about understanding what works for you and adjusting.

          1. I have been tracking calories and optimizing food choices, and there is just no way I can go below 1800 calories per day and not be a hangry, lethargic mess. It’s easy for a man who eats 3,000 calories a day to cut 200 or 500 or even 1,000 calories a day. As a small-framed woman I can’t do that and still work and take care of my family, so the only option is to burn more calories through activity.

          2. Uh huh. You say this like we haven’t done this. And for some, the constant counting of calories is just an awful way to live. You keep on doing your thing but stop telling people how to lose weight. Everyone deserves to feel good no matter how they get there.

          3. This “filling” thing is a red herring and sounds like “volume eating” propaganda. If you eat a massive plain salad with no calories your stomach will be full, but you will have no energy. For me hunger has very little to do with how full my stomach is; it’s about energy and blood sugar levels. You need to consume a minimum number of calories in order to be able to function as a human being.

          4. I’m not telling people how to lose weight. I’m just asking if they tried a calorie-counting app because it was a gamechanger for me personally. I never tried an app until after I was age forty, and I didn’t realize what a difference it could make. That’s why I ask. It’s not something everyone has tried in their life.

          5. Trust me everyone doing GLPs has tried this. That advice and approach has been around for decades. You aren’t breaking news here.

        2. She’s only trying to lose 5-10 pounds! Why would I assume she’s tried everything? It’s not like she said she’s been struggling with weight her entire life.

          1. Give it a rest already. Guess what? Most people willing to spend great money, regiment injections and STILL pay attention to calories and exercise and protein and water intake don’t need “advice” that’s as condescending as “you’re getting wet, have you ever considered using an umbrella?”
            That’s how ignorant your “tip” is coming across. Good grief.

          2. I’m not ignorant. Ask a doctor or dietician about whether or not women should use GLP-1s to lose 5-10 pounds.

          3. Your tip is ignorant and incredibly condescending. Pushing calorie counting to someone desperate enough for a GLP (where you still need to track diet) isn’t the secret sauce hon. It’s just insulting.

          4. Your so f-I g ignorant masquerading as helpful and concerned. Give it a rest. And for the record, many doctors think it’s great for small amounts I’d weight loss because it can help you stay there. They’re mad at insurance coverage. So stop making things up that you know nothing about.

    5. Following. I tried microdosing Wegovy with the support of my primary care physician, hoping to lose 10 to 15 (vanity) lbs. Two people close to me have done Zepbound with incredible results – improved physical and mental health (more energy and drive to exercise regularly, less food noise, weirdly less anxiety, and reduced desire to consume alcohol). So, I tried Wegovy hoping for the same results.

      Bluntly, it made me SO FATIGUED I couldn’t move. Like, so tired mid-day it was hard to work, and just wanting to nap for hours on the weekend. I stopped it after like 2 weeks, as it was counter-productive to my mental and physical health. I couldn’t bring myself to exercise or like even get off the couch. R e d d i t told me that MANY people have serious fatigue with Wegovy that takes months to stabilize, so it wasn’t worth it to me.

      I ended up having a minor health scare that I am waiting for my results (abnormal mamo, get those tatas squished every year ladies!). Assuming everything comes back normal, I’m going back to my primary care to see if I can try another drug. If not, I guess I’m living with my vanity weight …

      1. Adding that I do think being on it for two weeks made me more mindful of extra calories that I could cut without really noticing it (per the comment above me about just cutting calories to get to lose a smaller amount of weight). I have pretty much been eating what I ate on it since I got off of it. I’ve lost a few pounds, and I’m hopeful I can keep it going once I get back into exercising after this minor health scare, even if I don’t go on another GLP.

      2. This is just another confirmation as to how different we all are. I take Lexapro with zero side effects and it has been life changing. I quit smoking with Chantix and had little side effects other than very weird dreams. I took Wellbutrin for a few days and thought I was losing my mind. I love milk. I really want to do the Zepbound but my insurance company is making me do the 12 week program of the same things I have already tried. My belly fat is stubborn and I spent all evening wanting snacks every single night.

    6. I do this. I get the lowest dose pill from Ro, wasn’t overweight when I started but had 10-15 pounds I gained during Covid and menopause to lose. Dropped them in 6 weeks and now just stay on it Beyer feels great. Didn’t want to deal with medical gatekeeping so I just pay out of pocket and get it directly from them. It’s amazing for this purpose – I have never felt better.

        1. Oh wegovy, it’s the only one in pill form at the moment. I have had a great experience with it, but have anecdotally heard similar things to what the poster above said. If it doesn’t work for you, there are many other options out there.

        1. $300/ month – half for Ro support and half for the drug. I save 3x that in decreased food costs so it’s basically free.

          1. You were spending $900 on extra food that you’re now not eating? This seems like a lot of food for microdosing.

            I was and continue to be really surprised at how cavalierly people treat medication. I get that sometimes meds are needed but we seem to be very rx-happy as a society and it doesn’t seem like a good thing to me.

          2. That struck me as well. I spend $1300-1400 a month on groceries for two people. My husband eats three times as much as I do, but if he cut back by 2/3 to normal portions we still would not save anywhere near $900 a month. (No, he is not overweight or an athlete, just a 6’1″ man with the accompanying metabolism.)

          3. As far as I can tell, the best research shows that we’re not quite Rx happy enough (so many people would be in better health if they took the meds that exist for their conditions, right?).

            I do think it would be better if we as a society didn’t block a lot of people’s endogenous GLP1 production with herbicides and food additives, but it’s never been a worse time in the USA to try to get better regulation.

          4. Yes, between grocery shopping and dining out it’s easily that much less. I live in a VHCOL city and on wegovy I don’t want alcohol and am satisfied with an appetizer. Easily 900/mo if not more.

          5. So this is what I don’t get about the idea that GLP-1s are for everyone. I am already satisfied with an appetizer! I understand that there are people whose bodies and brains work differently from mine, like my SIL who before GLP-1 was constantly starving and would just eat everything in sight. For people like her it makes sense that GLP-1s would be effective because they end the “food noise” and the capacity to overeat. But what about people like me, who never ate that much to begin with and don’t have “food noise” but somehow got 25 extra pounds as a 45th birthday surprise without changing anything? It doesn’t seem like GLP-1s are designed for this situation. I don’t need to eat less. I need my metabolism fixed so it burns the small amount I do eat.

    7. Me! I’ve used GLP-1s twice: once, to help get to a healthier weight before trying to conceive, and second (now), to help get back to a healthier baseline weight after having a child and before trying to conceive a second time. I’ve lost weight successfully via white-knuckling, calorie counting, exercising, etc. My personal perspective is that that approach takes a lot of mental effort and takes a toll on me, and the amount of effort required seems larger when it’s a smaller amount of weight to lose. These medicines help me make healthy changes with substantially less effort, and I am grateful for that. I use push health.

      2. You don’t really know if this is stupid or not. Losing 5-10lb can have significant health benefits if some of the weight loss is liver fat!

    9. Not what you asked and obviously consult a doctor first: maybe a very low dose of HRT?

    10. I microdose tirzepetide. I am a small person otherwise (short, small frame) and used it to go from slim to skinny. I get it locally, from a med spa. I use the lowest dose about once every 10 days, and it just kind of takes the edge off things. I struggle a bit with going to the bathroom, but over the counter stuff helps immensely. No other negative effects. I have told no one about it, although I suspect some folks might wonder, given I’ve been pretty consistent in weight for most of my life and am now noticeably smaller. It’s 100% vanity, but I’m enjoying it. What specific information are you wanting to know? Happy to share more thoughts.

        1. My friend owns it. However, they market the service as “wellness appointments”. I don’t have any reason to believe I am getting special treatment or access they won’t give to someone else, but maybe. You won’t know unless you try…worst they will say is no.

    11. I would recommend seeing a specialist about the delayed gastric emptying issues before starting the GLP-1! I am on Wegovy and have had some super unpleasant side effects, all of which I assume would be worse if you already have delayed gastric emptying sypmtoms. I have used two different online providers to get the GLP-1s and they’re fine, but they’re not going to vet these things as thoroughly as a specialist might.

    12. I have been microdosing compounded tirzepetide for about 6 months. I went to my naturopath/functional medicine doctor specifically to ask about this for food noise. I am normal bmi and weight but the constant noise and white knuckling to stay there was so exhausting. Yes, I track my macros, run, lift, etc and was glad I had a good handle on these things before I started microdosing. I have lost 7ish pounds (quickly annd have now maintained for 4+ months) and feel amazing, no longer controlled by where my next meal is coming from. I have energy and no unwanted side effects. Any sort of arthritic pain in my fingers I used to have is gone, no more minor aches and pains. I would be more than happy to stay on this forever.

  3. Do you tip when you see a hair stylist at a one person studio, so they are the owner? I’m seeing a new person whose prices are 2/3 of my old place, but for half the time and she’s in a cheaper town. So, I can’t tell if she’s set the price she wants. (In suburban DMV, if it matters.)

    1. I do because she clearly expects me to. I know that, traditionally, the rule was that you do not tip the owner, but that went by the wayside somewhere, a long time ago. I figure tipping buys me access when her schedule is full (‘ish), and it is worth that to me.

      1. Yep, I’m a generous tipper at a lower priced salon, and I get an appointment same day if I want one. I know others don’t because I’ve recommended her to friends, and they wait for an appointment 1-2 weeks.

    2. I don’t. She’s raised her prices a few times over the years so it’s not like she’s afraid of asking. No indication I’m a low-priority client – she has accommodated last minute scheduling issues with zero trouble.

    3. Also in suburban DMV, same situation (my stylist rents a space in a Phenix set up), and I do not tip.

    4. I don’t know where the board gets the notion that you shouldn’t tip the owner. They are still providing the service, if you like it, you should tip. signed, a daughter of former salon owner.

      2. You may disagree with it, but it’s surprising as the daughter of a former salon owner you don’t know that the standard etiquette had been not to tip the owner. Historically, service providers were tipped in the US to offset unreasonably low wages set by unfair employers. Tipping the owner was both offensive and unnecessary. Over the years, some owners have begun to expect tips, however. Lots of people provide me service, from gynecologists to waiters. I only tip those whose fee model assumes tips, and then I tip generously.

          1. Continue being a person who celebrates her mother’s inability to set correct prices.

    5. I tip the person cutting my hair 20% and the person washing my hair $10. I do not care about ownership status.

      1. My aesthetician told me not to tip because she was the owner (she does have employees who get tips though).

    8. The ownership argument is advanced by people like my mom who could easily afford to tip but think 12-15% on a restaurant bill is very generous. I’m not that person. If you can’t afford generosity, don’t get services.

      1. I can afford generosity – that’s why I donate to charity. But I don’t randomly make business deals with people and then decide to give them extra money because I’m generous. I pay a fair price for the goods and services I buy.

        Tipping at restaurants is so baked into the pricing model (20% always) that I think it’s too engrained to try to change but there’s no reason to let the “pay as much as you’re willing to” model take over the rest of the economy. If you’re a business owner, set your prices at the level you need to make the income you want. Don’t tell me the price is $X and then call me ungenerous for not paying $1.2X.

    9. It takes less mental energy to just always tip so that’s what I do. No need to think about whether this person is the owner, what they might expect in terms of tipping, etc etc.

  4. Trying to choose how to manage our money. Our choice seems to be between a one time planner that looks at all of our info and creates a plan for a flat fee and we manage the money ourselves. Or option B which involves a service that would manage our money according to our risk tolerance for a 1-2% annual fee. Which would you choose?

    1. I did the latter for a few years to get ourselves situated and we recently switched to the former. Probably stayed with the latter for too long but they were incredibly helpful in getting our lives in order once we had a mortgage, kids and a pretty sizable increase in salaries. Got all of our estate stuff, insurance stuff and retirement stuff in good order. Now it’s cruise control so their fees aren’t at all worth their value-add at this stage.

    3. No way would I pay someone 1-2% a year to manage my money. That is shockingly expensive.

        1. The percentage route incentivizes the adviser to put your money in products that trigger more fees for themselves, not to prioritize giving you sound advice. The flat fee route may not get you an exciting looking plan, but it is much more likely to give you a solid roadmap that you can follow yourself without all the ongoing fees.

          OP, make sure the adviser you seek out is a fiduciary.

        2. Depending on how much money they’re managing, paying 1%-2% of your entire portfolio every year takes away from potential gains. It’s nearly impossible to make up that difference in market performance compared to index funds. Percentage-based advisors can end up costing tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars over a long period of time. (Also, there’s a huge difference over time between 1% and 2% over time, so if you go with a percentage-based arrangement, it’s important to be precise and run the numbers on this.)

          A flat-fee advisor can advise you once (or once every 5 years, or when you have a major life change) on your overall allocation based on your risk profile, and then you can buy index funds and rebalance from time to time.

          1. +1

            Remember, there are down years, where you may actually lose money. And yet your advisor will continue to take out their 1-2% of your total portfolio. That really adds up over time. When you see the exponential loss of money you are giving away it adds up to additional years you will need to work before retiring. Truly.

            And just because an advisor calls themselves a Fiduciary, it really means nothing. No one is monitoring them to make sure they are doing what is in your best interest. My wealth advisors at Fidelity all called themselves Fiduciaries and yet they were often trying to steer me into Fidelity products that were not in my best interests after I clearly stated my preferences/retirement goals.

    5. The company that has my 401(K) made a financial planner available to us at no fee. If you don’t have that available to you, I would do a flat fee to put a plan together and then you can decide what additional services you need. I think the people who reject additional expert advice likely just have a low cost stock fund and aren’t doing anything more sophisticated.

      1. We paid a flat-fee planner once and later used the free planner from the 401(k) company, and both times ended up with a cookie-cutter portfolio of low-cost funds that we could have come up with ourselves. For us the value was that the planners convinced my husband that we were on the right track with savings and probably wouldn’t be living in poverty at age 65 as he fears.

        I am 100% sure that if we paid for active management we’d end up with the exact same portfolio.

        1. It was helpful to us to have someone run the numbers and advise on things like getting a trust in place and adding insurance.

    6. Here is how I think about it. If you pay 1% and your expected return is 5%, you are giving away one-fifth of your annual returns. In dollar terms, on a $2M portfolio, 1% is $20K per year. In retirement, if you are withdrawing 3% per year and paying your advisor 1%, you are giving him 1/3 of your income (and probably paying around another 1/3 in taxes, so you are giving the advisor the same amount you are allowing to yourself for spending). It’s insane.

    7. My financial advisor manages my investments for a % fee. Our returns are higher than they would have been had we managed the money ourselves which more than covers the fee. Plus I am spared the extra work and stress of leaning about investment management and then making decisions constantly. What he does is not just park it in a mutual fund and be done. It’s much more active than that and the returns reflect it.

        1. +1. This sounds like a dubiously impossible to prove claim the %-based adviser doles out in order to justify the cost to people. The other reasons cited might be enough to make the cost worthwhile to the person paying it.

      2. Please be careful. This is the financial equivalent of not checking up on your contractor. Too often financial advisors churn a portfolio to add fees. Statistically is very rare for someone who is making investments constantly to outperform the market (or even perform in line with the market).

      3. I’m Anon at 11:41. I mean, yeah, no one can ever know with certainty whether a financial advisor obtained returns higher than your own self-management would have yielded. But what I do know with certainty is that my adviser has extensive experience managing money to get the highest returns, I have zero experience doing that, I don’t want to spend time learning it or doing it, and my portfolio’s returns have consistently exceeded the market average, which really adds up over time. I seriously doubt I could have achieved that managing the portfolio myself. Remember that with a percentage compensation model, the advisor’s incentives are aligned with yours. Of course you need a really good advisor (mine came highly recommended by our accountant who said that multiple clients were able to retire early after entrusting their portfolios to him). This approach may not be right for others, especially the risk-averse; I’m just saying it can sometimes make sense — to give the OP another perspective.

    8. I haven’t found another planner like ours, so I’m going to spell out the name of his website in my comment. He is fee only AND we meet with him monthly. He does not invest for us, but he makes sure we’re balanced for our goals and may suggest no- or low-fee funds. He is like a money referee for our marriage and often provides a third way of looking at things. He welcomes “what if” questions, and we consult with him before making big financial decisions. I was at a conference for financial planners in February and was surprised to discover that many advisors only go over their clients’ plans once yearly, or quarterly if they’re HNW. hudsondelaware dot com

        1. Yeah, I’ve never heard of that before. Some meet more frequently for the 1st year or two, particularly if there is a lot of teaching needed and/or conflict in the couple about how to manage things. But if there are fees you are paying for these monthly fees than this advisor gives me pause…

  5. Low-stakes question for Thursday morning: What’s your approach been to changing existing mature landscaping at your house?

    If anyone wants to weigh in on my specific situation: We have a small Cape Cod with large holly hedges right up against the whole front of the house. They are well established and I guess look fine if you’re into that, but I think they are hideous–they just look so stiff and formal compared with my more organic, cottage-style beds. I would love to replace them with something that would be more beneficial to our local birds and bees; not be squarely in the 1967 builder grade aesthetic; and allow us easier access the front of the house to do things like clean the gutters.

    My gardener friends think it’s a no-brainer to dig them out. My mom think I’d be crazy to dig up mature shrubs. My husband thinks it would be too much work and also doesn’t want to pay someone to do it, but would have no objections if I paid for it from my discretionary fund. What does the hive say?

    1. Dig them out! I’m with you, holly is awful. There are so many native alternatives that would both look better and provide the ecosystem services you’re looking for. If you have room for something like an amalanchier you can even get them pretty big in the nursery.

      1. This is kind of confusing to me since most the holly where I live in the USA is very much native.

        1. Agree. Birds like the berries, the winter shelter, and there are tons of nests in them. If you don’t like them, you don’t like them, but they actually seem better for wildlife than most things. Whatever you do, don’t rip them out in the once birds have started nesting, which they might have already started doing, depending on where you live, wait until the fall.

        2. A master gardener specializing in native plants–like does consultations on invasive species remediation through our local ag extension–told me they were non-native hollies, and was squarely in the “rip them out” camp.

          2. I’m very very into native plants, but there can be some unfair vilification of some non-natives that really do just mind their own business in the yard and provide berries for the birds. Better a non native holly bush than another swath of non native turf grass or flowered. But if you’re trying to melt the place more habitable for the bugs and birds, there are definitely better plants you can replace it with.

          3. The hollies seem to behave themselves and stay where they are, and they do get a lot of bees. As long as it wasn’t something actively harmful like Chinese privet, I wouldn’t be bothered by having non-native shrubbery, I just think these particular non-native shrubs are hideous. The house came with some lovely azaleas I enjoy from my office window every day that they’re in bloom and I’ve planted some peonies, I’m not a purist!

        3. I didn’t say holly wasn’t native, although upon rereading I can see how it could be interpreted that way.

          Where I live most landscape holly is not native, although we have a lot of great native Ilex landscape options available.

    2. Dig them out! The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago but the next best time is right now. Just get it done now and in a few years you’ll be thanking yourself instead of still staring at the holly bushes you don’t like.

    3. I’d dig them out. Our pest control people strongly recommend not having shrubs/bushes right up against a house. It’s also recommended not to have plants right up against your home for water/fire reasons.

    4. Get rid of them. We had the same situation, but in our backyard. We ended up cutting them down ourselves with a chainsaw, and then hiring a stump grinder company to come and get the majority of the roots so we could plant an alternative. Digging them out would have been impossible considering how established they were. We also replaced with pollinator friendly options.

    5. Get rid of them. I had giant old bushes in the front of my last house for years that I hated. We removed them and had professional landscapers put a variety of new plants in their place. My house looked so, so much better. My only regret was not doing it sooner!

    6. Dig it out. Landscaping makes a huge difference to a home. Also, you’re now putting extra cash into the curb appeal so if you’re separate pots for divorce or whatever, make sure you keep the receipts.

    7. I did this. It looks better. I have sweet little boxwoods and hydrangeas, which are kind of stereotypical for my area. I also added window boxes that my gardener puts pretty flowers and plants in seasonally. My husband got them for me as a Mother’s Day gift and didn’t realize it was a reoccurring expense. Oh well. Personally I think it’s really charming.

      1. I really want window boxes, actually! A neighbor down the street with the same layout of house has them, and they look so charming. Our house is also cute but you can’t see it because of the damn hollies.

    8. They go! Mature hollies are the worst. Your house will be like a new being when you get young shrubs!

    10. I had privet and holly when I bought my house. All removed for native plants and hydrangeas because I like the flowers. Pay someone to do it because you may actually need them to grind the roots. Mine came back until I did that.

    12. I’m with your gardener friends about digging them out. Part of my journey as a grown up was accepting that it was ok to remove plants either I did not like or were not thriving.

      Pay for someone to dig them out – its always more brutal work than you expect it to be. Also, budget for irrigation repairs and not buying the smallest plant available.

      1. My favorite thing about gardening as a hobby is thee is literally no wrong move. You can always re plant or move, the plants can always grow back. You can rip out what you don’t like.

        1. Yes, I commented below but gardening is great for challenging my perfectionism.

    13. Another vote for remove them. (This is also not something that I view as needing to come from “your money” vs. joint money…. but that’s a topic for another thread lol).

    14. In a similar situation, we dug, and I am SO GLAD. It’s so much more pleasant to be outside in our yard now.

    15. Wow ladies, I really was not expecting such an overwhelming consensus. Guess I’ll be getting some quotes for stump grinding today! Might have them kill the forsythias and sole remaining nandina in the back yard too…

      2. I hope you saw my response not to do it now, though. If you care about wildlife, you really don’t want to do this when birds are nesting, wait until the fall.

        1. I care about wildlife, but it’s the first nesting season of the year, and a lot of the nests are going to fail anyway. I’d act fast or wait, but I wouldn’t delay because a few birds may have already started building nests. They’re going to build more nests, and even if I rip out a mature shrub in the fall, I’ve taken away that entire habitat.

          1. (And I’m okay with taking away habitat if I’m replacing it with a native plant that attracts caterpillars! That’s a bigger bottleneck for birds where I live than just places to nest are.)

        2. Our house backs onto a natural area and there are also woods behind the houses across the street, so my non-native hollies are not the local nesting spot of choice–I have never seen signs of a nest in the seven years we’ve lived here. But yes, I would be planning to do it ASAP or wait for fall.

      3. do it!

        We ripped out a huge (10 x60′) hedge of forsythia and honeysuckle and replaced it with a mixed native hedge of elderberry, nannyberry, winterberry, blueberry, summersweet, etc and three years later it’s beautiful and the birds go crazy for it

          1. hard to answer…those are very different sized shrubs. But for something big I would say elderberry or amalanchier/serviceberry (amalanchier has lots of different shapes and sizes so pick one that fits your needs). It’s also a beautiful red in the fall.

        2. This is what we did! I personally dug up our hollybushes (they were only about 3 feet tall) and offered them for free on FB. They were picked up in an hour! And then I planted nannyberries that I love and surrounded it with other natives. I was pleasantly surprised how affordable more mature shrubs (4 foot plus) and trees (10 foot plus) can cost and still “take”.

      4. Definitely pay someone to dig them up; it will be worth it. I had some mature boxwood hedges I had ripped out for similar reasons and it is more challenging than you think (the first people I hired–a native plant nursery that allegedly did landscaping–underestimated how hard it was and failed miserably; I had to get someone else). You’ll definitely want the roots up if you’re replanting in the same spot.

    16. Could you try to prune them differently? They look super formal when they are traditionally pruned to look like a smooth green surface. I wonder if pruning them to have more of a 3d surface would make them fit in your garden better. I realize it’s a bit late in the year to make this suggestion but if you’re on the fence you could try it next winter.

    17. Dig them out! If you want a pretty even swap, I replaced all my holly with japanese holly which does not drop its leaves and is not spikey.

    18. The heart wants what it wants! And mine wants something very similar: to get rid of the Azaleas in front of my 1940s colonial. Alas, my husband also disagrees and we don’t have the money to pay someone nor I the time and strength to DIY this solo without his help, so they stay for now.

    19. Please report back if you get this done! I always have sticker shock when I consider having landscaping work done. And then I try to do it myself and by the end of it, I’m ready to pay any price to never had to do it myself again.

      1. I’ve had it done and if you wanted to save money, you could chainsaw them down yourself. But the stump grinding is probably $150-200 a stump.

    20. Leave the holly hedges for now, rip out your lawn in front of them, and make some cottage style plantings to see how you feel about them. The holly may look good as a sort of solid dark green backdrop to whatever you plant.

  6. Another question on noise canceling headphones. Despite having a prestigious job at a prestigious company, I work in an environment that can best be described as a call center. Small desks, close together, and everyone either chatting in big groups (there are barely any meetings rooms) or shouting on zoom calls with headphones on. All the noise makes it really hard to concentrate.

    I have an older pair of generic noise canceling headphones that work great for watching movies on airplanes, and are fine for listening to music, but really don’t drown out the continued chatter around me unless I’m listening to music fairly loudly.

    I don’t want to listen to music all day every day – I worry that I’m probably damaging my hearing.

    Are newer, higher-end noise canceling headphones actually able to “mute” the sound of conversations around me? I am willing to spend a bundle if it means I can have silence when I need it, but I don’t want to spend the money if that’s not the case. Any recommendations?

    1. Are you looking for headphones or earbuds? I find that my airpods do a great job of blocking out everything, as long as you get the settings right. There is a setting (Conversation Awareness) that will block most noise but shift to allow talking to come through so you can hear when someone comes up to talk to you – that obviously wouldn’t work well in your situation, so you’d want to make sure that you turned that off. But on full noise cancellation mode I find them incredibly effective. My husband loves his Sony over the ear headphones and says they do a great job of blocking everything, including conversations around him.

    3. Yeah I’ve noticed my airpods block noise better than my older Bose quietcomfort headphones, surprisingly.

    4. Might be a bit different than you’re looking for, but I really love having a pair of fancy earplugs! I have the “loops” that are made for concerts- they decrease my irritation at my chatty/louder colleagues.

      1. I was also going to suggest loops earplugs. I bought them for concerts but could see them working well for this scenario.

      2. Same. If you want silence, ear plugs are the way to go and I really like my Loops. Noise canceling headphones are designed to cancel out noise, not speech.

    5. I got Loop earplugs for a similar scenario. They don’t totally block out the noise but just dim it to make it tolerable.

    6. Airpods are very comfortable in my ears and I use them solely for dampening external sounds without actually playing anything else quite often.

    7. Thanks All! I’m looking at over the ear headphones. Earbuds (especially the Apple ones) don’t fit my ears well enough to even stay in, let alone cancel any noise. (I took this problem to the Apple store and they had me try on samples. One literally dropped from my ear when I moved my head and was stepped on by another customer. I appreciated their effort, but no sale). Same with loop earplugs, which I tried as well. I’ll look at the Sony headphones mentioned.

    8. “I don’t want to listen to music all day every day – I worry that I’m probably damaging my hearing.”

      Yep, you are.

      I think what you would be comfortable is actual protective gear. Don’t get active noise cancelling, get real, I’m-a-professional headphones. Look for 3M rather than Bose.

  7. Oh, I like that. Not in my favorite colors, so instead I went with a different poplin top in black, and a drapey black gauze top.

  8. I’ve lost my job and run through what money I had. My obligations total $5,575 per month. My husband can give me $2k per month. I’m looking for part-time/temp jobs every day, along with my real job search. How do I prioritize what obligations to pay? Do I make partial payments? Stop paying some altogether?

    Chase credit card: $1500
    USAA credit card: $375
    Discover credit card: $136
    Car insurance: $132
    Car: $663
    Electric: $1200
    Tractor: $231
    Mom’s mortgage: $1300

    My car will be paid off in June; the tractor in May.

    I’ve called Chase about lowering my payment or interest and they said all they could do was lower the payment by $300 and close my account. I’ve had perfect payments for a decade, and I guess I foolishly expected more.

    Re: mom’s mortgage, I own it and she pays me. The total is actually $2300 and she pays me $1k. She isn’t able to pay more on her fixed income.

    Re: electric. Welcome to owning a rambling historic home in Connecticut. CT’s electric is the highest in the nation, second only to Hawaii.

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    1. Girl, you are married. Even with your separate money situation, you’re a financial unit in the eyes of the IRS and the courts so your husband doesn’t get to get out of this unless he wants to have a bad credit situation too.

    3. This seems like a situation made for Dave Ramsey, toxic as he can be sometimes. I’d be looking at what I can sell to lower monthly obligations while also trying to bring some income in quickly.

      Are you receiving unemployment?

      What does it mean for your husband to give you $2k/month? Do you not share finances? Is he going to kick you out if you can’t pay these obligations?

      Can you sell the car and the tractor? I get they’re almost paid off, but I don’t understand what the tractor is for unless you have a farm, and could you get a cheaper car or share a car with your husband?

      Are there cheap ways to reduce your electric bill? Wear coats around the house, roll up towels to put under doors, press Saran Wrap to the windows?

      Can you apply for some 0% interest cards and surf them for a year? Not ideal, but helps in a pinch.

      1. Dave Ramsey is evil, but I bet the henchmen on his internet show thing would say what needs to be said: if you don’t have joint finances, you aren’t really married.

        1. I think it’s kind of the reverse, in that if you’re legally married, you automatically have joint finances in the eyes of the law, whether you count it that way or not.

          1. Yep, and your prenup (if there is one) ain’t gonna matter unless you actually divorce (which OP should seriously consider).

        2. He is not evil, lol. You can disagree with someone’s politics without condemning their soul.

          1. It’s not about his politics. He gives bad advice that holds people back. If you have debt or can’t afford reasonable living expenses you are a sinner. Never take on any debt, even to buy a reliable car so you can get to work. But also use this financial firm that charges extortionate fees.

          3. Souls are also pretty involved in how quickly you fully dismiss people you disagree with politically, and your approach doesn’t say great things about yours.

          4. Whatever afterlife spares me the company of the people I’ve benefitted so much from avoiding in the here and now sounds like a good fit for me!

          5. I think you will find that neither option in the afterlife permits you avoidance of all the souls you’re so contemptuous of now.

          6. It’s not his politics it’s how he treats people, especially women who have worked for him. Misogynistic double standards are par for the course. He is a complete ass.

    4. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it’s a hard job market. I would focus on making the payments on things that would quickly get taken away or reposessed that I need. Is the tractor required for your future business? If not, that might be lower on my list. Delaying your credit card payments will make you pay interest, but that might be worth it for a while – just do the minimum, but maybe that’s what you have listed?

    5. If you’re husband can cover it, he should. You’re married. If not you need to look at all the bills you are both paying and prioritize that way.

    6. Your husband can “give” you $2000 a month? This is why separate finances are toxic and awful.

      3. Separate finances get a lot of hate on this board. My two cents as a married person with separate finances for 15+ years. What the OP is describing is…not that. Even though our accounts are separate, we act fully as a unit in good times and bad. This couple seems to be living separate lives.

    7. oh my goodness that electric bill!!! can you look into eco-friendly ways to lower that bill? solar panels, better roof covering (i’ve even heard of the plant hens & chicks as being used to cool roofs). Can you section off the house so only part of it needs electricity at any given point? I’d be walking around unplugging everything ha

      what is the interest rate on the debts? (Those are the minimum payments, not expected total each month, right?) is there equity in the house that you could get a reverse mortgage?

      tractor – do you have a farm? you could look into renting space to a local grower or growing things yourself to sell. some people create u-pick farms or let photographers shoot there. something to consider. zinnias are very easy and you can buy seeds in bulk.
      – things to sell — first look around your house and see if you have houseplants, odds are good you could take cuttings from all of them and have new plants to sell in 4 weeks. on the farm you may be able to take cuttings of things also, spring is the time to do it for a lot of plants. that will be a scale question whether it can turn into good resources for you.

    8. I don’t know what kind of tractor it is or if you could sell it, but I would start there. Can your mom get any kind of public benefits that would free up more of her money? Can you sell stock or pay a penalty for getting money out of your retirement to make ends meet?

      I think you and your husband are going to have to realistically sit down and cut things across the board until you can get another job. I am all for separate funds, but I don’t think you leave the other person to suffer alone if they are trying to find work. Realistically, you may have a hard time finding part time work too in this economy.

    9. You need to look under the hood to see what’s on those credit card bills and see what recurring expenses you can cut. But I would get a part-time, temp gig asap, even something like working for Instacart or Taskrabbit. Even a few hundred dollars a month can make a big difference if you have zero coming in.

    10. Wasn’t this posted months ago when your husband wanted to buy a more expensive beach house or something? Your finances weren’t sustainable then, and they’re not sustainable now

      Unfortunately, this job market is really really rough. I would be thinking about deep prioritization/making sacrifices you don’t want to make, so you at least have an emergency plan that doesn’t leave you homeless or starving. That might look like your mom moving in with you, selling the car, selling the tractor, etc. You also need to figure out what your minimum expenditures for things like food are – are you putting that all on the credit cards?

      For prioritization, I’d pay for 1 place to live first, car (bc necessary for getting to work; although not a car as expensive as yours) second; and credit cards in order of interest.

      1. Yeah, having mom move in with you would be on the top of my list of ways to cut costs. But my mother is a wonderful houseguest and while we haven’t lived together as adults, I imagine she’s an excellent roommate as well.

    11. Besides the yikes at your husband giving you money ….
      What are the credit card payments? Are they paying off old debt or are you continuing to put expenses on them?
      Do you have any money coming in? Unemployment?

    13. If you’re unemployed with that electric bill you would be better off climbing into your attic/access space and putting some Rockwool in there, buying and installing a few rolls of spring bronze, and building some storm windows (or hiring someone to build storm windows).

    14. Stop paying the electric bill and that ought to get your husband to act like he’s married. Presumably he’s not into living without electricity.

      1. Seriously. The bank isn’t going to take half the house when you stop paying your half of the mortgage. Is he going to keep “his” groceries under lock and key while you go hungry?

      2. yeah the price stood out to me for the electric bill right away but is that for 50%? or is that “your” bill because that’s f’ing BS

          1. +1 – CT also has susbsidies if you can’t afford your heating/cooling bills, I’d look into those ASAP.

      3. +1. I posted the other day about my husband being unemployed and home 24/7. I cannot imagine telling him he’s still responsible for paying half the bills out of ‘his’ money while I still get to have ‘my’ pot of fun money be unimpacted.

    15. Iirc from your previous posts, your husband out earns you & you all were already having trouble deciding on a joint standard of living anyway (he wanted an expensive shared beach house?)

      TBH, I would be making emergency plans at this point. That basically means: somewhere to live, a way to get to work, necessary medication, then everything else. If you & husband divorced today, what’s your plan for basic necessities?

      If you’re not on the title for wherever you’re living now, you’d probably need to move in with your mom. If you have alternative emergency housing, unfortunately I think you need to have a hard conversation with your mom about your ability to subsidize her house. Sell the car and buy a cheaper one. (Is the tractor a money-making asset?). Look up what public assistance is available in your area. Turn off the heat if you have to. Make a beans-and-rice food budget. Once you have an emergency don’t-starve-don’t-be-homeless plan in place, you can optimize for stuff like preserving your credit score as much as possible, but I wouldn’t worry about that stuff now

    17. I fully don’t understand your husband being unwilling to cover your costs if you are married and sharing a house. I can understand him not wanting to subsidize your mom but why on earth is he not taking over the electric bill until you get back on your feet?
      In terms of short term gigs – look into pet sitting (rover and the like), childcare (facebook sitter groups are the way to go) and tutoring/house manager roles.

    18. I would try to roll over credit card debt to a zero interest card if you can. It will give you a little breathing room. Does mom’s home have any equity you could tap? Is there anything you can sell to bring in quick cash? Can you do deliveries, etc for some quick money?

      Is your primary house paid off, and what expenses is your husband covering from his side? I don’t see a primary mortgage on your list here. Is the house in both your names?

    19. Ignoring the husband comment because, whaaaat is that??

      – You cannot afford to own your mom’s home. You just can’t. It’s a lovely gesture but if she can pay $1k, she can afford an apartment somewhere. What about taxes, upkeep, etc? That’s way more than you can afford.

      – What is that electric bill? You need insulation or something. Or DH to fully take it on. Because, if he can’t, you simply can’t afford to pay that level of electric in a historic home. So the fix is you need a non-historic home. Fix that – new home or DH takes it on.

      – CC debt- are those minimum payments? Is that new debt? Need far more to that story to really have thoughts on a strategy.

      But seriously, the comment about DH is jaw dropping.

    20. If your husband is that obtuse, let him eat that electric bill for dinner in his rambling, historic home.

      Sell the tractor. Sell your mom’s house. You and your mom move in to a place where the electric bill is not as much as a whole mortgage payment. Use any proceeds from the sales to pay off your car, then the credit cards from the highest interest rate on down. Don’t put any more on the credit cards.

    21. In the words of Dave Ramsey, you have a husband problem.

      Move mom in and rent the apartment out. You should get enough rental income to cover the mortgage and other costs.

      Let your husband pay the electric bill. I had a husband like yours and divorce isn’t the best option because it will take $500k in legal fees and 5 years of your life. Let the company shut you off.

      Ask your mom to use the $1000/ month so you have $3k per month. Empty your garage to store her furniture.

    22. Is the core issue a dtr conversation, about how you & husband do/don’t combine finances, including in hard times (ie maybe your separate finances system worked well when everyone had a job but you need to talk about desires & expectations when something goes wrong – right now it’s that you lost your job, but maybe next year it’s that he got cancer). Or is it that your combined finances aren’t enough for your combined expenses, and you all need to adjust your standard of living (+ have a big picture conversation about financial priorities) to get somewhere sustainable, including having a buffer for life stuff that comes up like a job loss? (ie maybe the $2000 he’s “giving” you reflects all the slack in his budget as well – so basically combined or not, you all don’t have enough money for your obligations and need to either: increase income asap (hard in this market) or cut expenses (be a single car household, change your mom’s situation, cut spending if that’s what the credit cards are, leave the historic home)

    23. What on earth?? A husband letting his wife go into debt because she lost her job is crazy.

  9. I’ve been trying to get a cottage garden look for 3+ years now and it’s taking forever. Weeds galore. The perennials are growing so slowly and they all don’t like it there. The other thing to think about is that a lot of flowers including natives are herbaceous, so they die down to the ground each year and completely grow anew in the spring, so for winter the space can look bare and kind of stick-filled.

    My suggestions: 1) make a sun map of your house, I should have done that first. You just make a chart with times (7-8, 8-9, 9-10) in the columns and each space you want to know about in the rows (front bed, back bed, space by window, porch, whatever). Then for a day or two you run outside every hour and see what’s in sun and what’s in shade. “Full sun” plants truly require 6+ hours of sun a day and if you don’t have that don’t bother with those.

    Natives – I love that you’re trying to be nice for the pollinators and so forth. I have chosen to focus on looks in my front bed and a lot of natives can look pretty weedy for a lot of the year (most only bloom 2-3 weeks a year, with coneflowers maybe being the exception). One thing I’m trying to do is consider nativars – cultivated natives that have a better habit, longer blooming times, wider range of colors, etc. We don’t always know how those changes work for bees and birds, but in general double flowers (vs single) are bad for them and so is darker foliage. Mt Cuba does trials with a bunch of nativars and has records on which do better for them — so check them out. There are some native shrubs that have also been cultivated and bred to have better habits also but again I’d look to Mt Cuba.

    If all of that sounds like a lot look for someone who specializes in native landscape design near you.

    2. Hire someone who knows these things. Landscaping companies will always do the job right and you don’t want the front of your house looking like a DIY mess.

      1. Really? I associate landscaping professionals with the worst outcomes in my neighborhood. I’m sure there are good ones too, but the average landscaper is making mistakes at the level of topping off crepe myrtles still.

        1. I mean it does depend on who you get, do your research, but yes, having a professional almost always yields better results unless you’re some kind of savant gardener.

          1. I really think almost anyone can do better than big piles of mulch and big box store plantings that lazy corporate landscapers specialize in.

          2. Again, do your homework and find someone good. Where I love no one takes the approach you’re describing.

      2. Gardening has actually been a wonderful place to practice relaxing my Type A perfectionist tendencies, and not putting so much pressure on myself to always have a perfect plan with perfect execution. I am an amateur gardener who is learning as I go. It’s fine with me if my garden reflects that. If someone thinks my landscaping looks like a DIY mess, so be it–we don’t have an HOA and it’s our house anyway.

        But the neighbors regularly tell me they’ve loved watching my garden grow since we moved in, so I think I’m okay anyway :)

      4. agree with everyone else, landscaping companies near me are just about boxwoods + mulch + maybe a few invasives like burning bush just for kicks

    3. Thanks. I do garden and grew up gardening with my family. While I’ve made lots of mistakes along the way and I’m sure my garden beds would make a landscape architect break out in hives, I do have a handle on that side of things. We are blessed with great light so that does make things easier, and I live in an area with a lot of resources through our ag extension and local master gardeners.

      Can I suggest sheet mulching if the weeds are giving you fits? I stockpile cardboard from deliveries all winter. It changed my life.

      1. +1 to sheet mulching with cardboard. It’s the only thing helping with my ongoing fight against creeping charlie.

      2. we’ve sheet mulched so many times. part of the problem is that in the front beds my husband thought pachysandra would be a good idea when we first moved in so we’re fighting that and the weeds. this year i’m going to try to fill the space with annuals while the perennials get bigger. a lot of them are on year 3 so hopefully this will be the year they show us what they’re made of.

        3. My “knows all the Latin names of the plants and can reel them off without a though” gardening mother always said that the first year they sleep, the second year they creep, and the third year they leap. Here’s to a leaping third year for you!

        1. You leave gaps in the cardboard around the plants. Unlike plastic weed barriers, the cardboard decomposes over time, so plants can expand as they grow over the years.

  10. Unexpected trip to Sicily during Easter week. Everything is booked and organized, but you all always have recommendations of what I shouldn’t miss in my free time (food, shopping, sights). I’ll be staying half the time in Palermo and half in Naxos and from there moving around. Is it worthy to go to the topo of the Etna? Thanks!!

    1. So, not really near either base, but we spent a week in the Aeolian Islands last year and it was magical. Hourlong ferry from Milazzo so you could daytrip if you want.

  11. What kind of belt would go with a navy sleeveless midi dress with small floral print. It is a daytime dress.

  12. For those who have been here before me, WWYD. DH’s mom (75) is recently widowed and lives across the country. For years, she’s talked about moving closer to us when her husband, 10 years her senior, died, and he passed this winter. While she’s never lived anywhere else, DH is her only kid and her friends are all getting older and won’t be a long term support network. She is in a very strong position financially (millions in retirement) and lives in a paid-off home worth $600k if sold as-is today. I’m suggesting we move her up here ASAP, even if only to a rental, and leave the moving out of the old house to be done in stages. Like, she can start to summer here and in theory winter in her current home, when we all know she will just eventually want to stay here…but she won’t have to go through the hassle of selling yet. The problem is, we don’t know where to move her *to* and where we live is expensive suburbs of Boston.

    Option 1: townhome in a 55+ community either in our town or adjacent. Cost would be $800k-$1Mish to get something reasonably equivalent to what she has today. She’d be in our suburban town or one right nearby, but our town is really not where people go to retire.

    Option 2: apartment in 55+ community; cost would be less, she’d have more of a network, but it’s a big step down in space/autonomy from her current setup. There are none of these in our immediate town, she’d have to go a few towns over. she’s not likely to be driving for all that much longer, maybe a few years. Moving her to us is wonderful for many reasons but she doesn’t know the area and it’s much more congested than where she is now.

    She’s 75 and healthy but we don’t want her anywhere where she’d have to deal with much in the way of home or yard maintenance and she’d need a garage. Having her move in with us doesn’t make sense (she’d have a bedroom but have to deal with stairs, it’s a lot of in-our-business for someone who has lived across the country for the entirety of our marriage, plus a million other things), though I’m pretty tempted to ask my two neighbors with first-floor bedrooms if they want to move any time soon!

    Any tips on what worked well or didn’t when you had an older family member move close in old age?

    1. Does the townhome in the 55+ community have stairs? Where we live, townhomes are 2-3 stories with narrow staircases, and sometimes a lot of stairs from the outside up to the first floor.

    2. What’s her plan for long term care? 75 is kind of an in-between age — but it can get harder or more expensive to get into step care facilities as you age, so it may be a good idea to move her into the independent living portion, or at least get her on the waitlist so that it’s there when she’s ready to move.

    3. What does her friend base look like in her current community? Is she a pretty social person?
      My MIL downsized about 3 years ago into a new 55+ community with standalone homes near us. Outside of the logistical benefits of HOA taking care of lawn care, snow removal, etc. Being in a community with other retired people has really expanded her social circle. She’s so busy. In the summer she’s often meeting up friends at their community pool, meeting people for playing cards at their clubhouse, doing crafts together, etc.
      If we had to do it all over again, I’d highly recommend for other widows that would like to open a new chapter and gain new friends.
      But on the counter side, my MIL is a social butterfly, so I could see this scenario being hard for people who are not normally outgoing.

    4. My parents are thinking about this (although both still living) and for them finding a 55+ community with the amenities/activities (pickleball groups and such) they enjoy is more important than the physical space (downsizing on space is kind of appealing). They’ve also rented an airbnb for a month in a few different towns to get a better feel for that vibe

    5. I think you should look for a rental for her. That gives her time to settle in and see what might work well longer term. If she has money, there’s no need for a woman her age to own a piece of property. Even a townhouse requires upkeep. Look for a rental in an upscale building close to you with amenities she will like.

      1. Came to say the same thing. Rent first, give her time to look around, see what parts of town she likes, then she can invest.

      2. Agreed, look for a rental, and then she can decide where she enjoys living. You could try to join neighborhood facebook groups in choice areas to post looking for a rental if they’re in limited supply. Also, was she ever a city person? Would she just want to rent in Boston a season to do all the things? It might be fun for her to actually be in the city in a building with an elevator before she gets any older, then move to a 55+ community in the suburbs.

    7. I would do the townhome for the autonomy and closeness to you/your family. When you say “our town is not really where people go to retire”, I’m sure you are right, but this is a 55+ community so by definition, she will have people there to meet and interact with! I would only feel differently if the apartment is part of a larger retirement community where there are many daily activities and meals included. My in-laws moved to such a place where they had no friends or geographic connection, and they met plenty of folks through the meals and activities. If neither option offers that, then your MIL will largely be interacting with your family as she slowly gets to know others.

    8. Bets option: get her out for a long visit and put her up in a Marriott Residence Inn. Have her tour the different communities and figure out what she wants.

      If you’re in Massachusetts, consider Fox Hill. My grandparents lived there and had a wonderful experience.

      1. We are! Is Fox Hill a chain? I see one in Westwood and one in Enfield, CT, both too far from us. We are in Wayland.

    9. My parents are 76 and 74 and moved to a townhouse w/attached garage a mile from us about 5 years ago. It’s not a senior community (it actually has a lot of grad students/young families) but they’ve been very happy there. We never hear the shared wall neighbors and they LOVE maintenance-free living (tbh I’m pretty jealous of the fact they have no maintenance and dream about getting a townhouse too…)

      Originally we thought they’d move to a senior community near us but there were no good options. It also tends to be really pricey compared to the equivalent apartment/townhome in a regular community. So they will probably live independently until they need more serious care and then go to an assisted living.

      Neither them nor us would want them to move in with us, and our house isn’t set up for it either (3 story house with no ground floor bedrooms). I do quite a bit for them (driving them to medical appts, picking up groceries for them when they’re sick, etc.) but having them independent vs in a senior community doesn’t really make that any harder.

    10. I agree with everyone who says to rent first, and maybe always. And it seems silly to move to a home with stairs at this late age. Can’t think of one good reason.

      75 is a difficult age / range. Things could change tomorrow. Be smart now.

  14. Should I try for equity partner this year? I’m hesitating to put my name out there because the monthly draw will be SO LOW based on my historic origination. It’ll work out at the end of the fiscal year but how am I supposed to pay my bills until then? For those who have been there, how did you make your decision?

    1. Make equity and it gives you more flexibility moving forward particularly if you may want to move or lateral. Save your last associate bonus and use it for expenses until you get used to the true up at the end of the year.

    2. Look into what you can also make lopsided. Like, I knew partners who funded their entire 401k for the year from the December draw.

  15. To whoever recommended Thrive causemetics eyebrow gel – it’s great! I’m a dark blonde and the taupe color was perfect, foolproof to apply, and I no longer have 90s thin brows. I also feel less focused on my own undereye bags because I’m looking at my awesome brow game.

  16. The person from yesterday who was on a PIP which ended Tuesday….

    It’s Thursday. Leave now and claim sickness. Put yourself on short term disability. It’s a lot harder to fire you. They can lay you off, which is good because you can then get unemployment.

    It’s a horrible job market and not going to get better anytime soon. Good luck.

    1. Hi, i think that’s me. It ended yesterday. Had my 11am with my boss and it was a big nothing burger. 12 minutes long (not atypical, going back all 18 months that I’ve worked here). Asked him about next steps and he vaguely thought there would be a meeting with him, his boss and HR this afternoon and that maybe tomorrow (or Monday, or Tuesday..) there would be information for me. But he clearly knew nothing.

      On the call I said ok well I’ll just keep doing my job until I hear otherwise. Any feedback, how am I doing? And he was like “you’re doing fine” and then a minute later complimented something I did. That’s the weirdest thing – through this PIP term I’ve had weekly check ins and they’re neutral if not positive. On team calls, I’ve been called out by other colleagues for doing good work (people who do not sit in the same state as us and are highly unlikely to know what’s going on, so they weren’t pity praises). So to the poster’s point yesterday about when she’s had someone on a pip and was told to give clear feedback, I just haven’t had any that comes close to suggesting I’m not meeting the objectives of the PIP. And, fwiw, the weekly check ins were a requirement per the PIP document we all had to mutually sign, but my boss has stood me up, moved them frequently, and blatantly deprioritized them. In 6 weeks I only had 4. I don’t think that technicality earns me anything but it’s hardly like a very well scripted 6-week PIP to make a clear paper trail before an exit. This isn’t a mom and pop company. It’s relatively small I suppose – 1,000 employees in the financial services, privately held and been around for a long time.

      To be clear, I’m fully excepting to be canned – I think my seat is one of maybe a couple in a roadblock in a larger reorg they are angling for – but it’s just so bonkers. Just lay me off? Don’t dream up some BS PIP. Finances are fine at home and I could honestly leave the workforce for a bit and be fine. I’d rather work but at least this isn’t devastating if I suddenly get a call that I’m out.

    2. Also, im in MA. Am I wrong in thinking even if terminated/fired I can get unemployment? I thought you only don’t qualify if you’re let go for gross negligence – like fraud or whatever. But simply “not possessing the requisite skill set” isn’t enough to prevent you from getting it. Damn,. Maybe I should have researched this a bit more. Anyone have a clue?

      1. No, you’re right: “we just don’t like your work/you’re not right for this job” firings qualify for unemployment. This is a good reason to have your own personal copies of the pip documentation.

      2. yeah it’s often possible to get unemployment if you were let go for just not being a great employee. You normally have to do something pretty egregious to lose unemployment benefits.

    3. I missed the post but even if you get fired, you should still apply for unemployment. Not every “for cause” firing disqualifies you from unemployment. They usually have to show misconduct of some kind. In any event, it costs you nothing to apply and they might not fight it.

    4. That’s really stressful. I give you props for hanging in there. Some bosses are terrible and don’t deserve to have their position.

  17. What do you do for manicure maintenance? I work full time and have 2 kids, don’t really have time for the salon. I’ve been doing them at home because I hate that gel manicures ruin your nails. However, I really need my nails to look done on a regular basis. Am I missing another option that people are using? Thanks!

    1. I soak my nails in warm water and apple cider vinegar. I scrub the nails so everything is clean and then file. Essie light pink polish is enough and if it chips it’s not obvious.

      The water I soak my nails in, I use to then soak my feet. Keeps everything looking alright.

      1. I’ve been meaning to start an apple cider foot soak. Intrigued to try my fingernails too.

    2. Dazzle Dry! I do one coat of base coat, one of the ridge filler, two of color, and one of topcoat. This skips two extra recommended layers of base coat that add time and don’t seem to improve the results or longevity. To avoid bubbles I let each coat dry for a bit longer than the recommended 5 minutes. It takes under an hour to do both fingers and toes, and once it dries it is fully dry and you don’t have to worry about smudging for the next two hours as you do with traditional polish. Somehow this brand is easier to apply neatly than traditional polish, and I can get it to last up to a week. If it chips midweek I refresh with a layer each of base coat, color, and topcoat.

      1. Same! I love dazzle dry. I get it at the salon maybe every 6 weeks bc they just do the shaping and cuticles better than me but do it at home otherwise. It generally lasts me 10 days and often looks grown out before it chips. I don’t wait more than 5 minutes like the above poster and it probably takes 20 minutes and it is hard as a rock immediately. Comes off with regular nail polish removal and doesn’t damage.

      2. The time saved with dry time sounds like it’s offset by the time of doing 5-7 coats of polish! I just do one coat of sheer pale pink and one coat of Essie Gel Setter topcoat (not actually gel, just a deep glossy finish). It takes like, 2 minutes of painting, plus 15 minutes of drying time.

        1. Once per week, or more often? My routine is similar but I find it usually chips after 4-5 days so I was curious are people doing their nails at home more than once per week?

          1. Once a week. By the end there are some small chips that I know are there, but that’s the beauty of the sheer pink – it doesn’t show.

    3. The londontown nail concealer is a great quick option. Looks like an essie ballet slippers mani, very easy to apply.

    4. I’d argue that gel at a good salon doesn’t ruin your nails. I’ve been doing gel manis consistently for about a year now & my nails feel and look great when they’re bare in between! you do have to find a good nail tech though.

      If you don’t want to do the salon route, londontown nail concealers or their perfecting nail veils are what you want. It gives your nails a hint of color and they look ‘done’ with very little effort. It lasts really nicely even as someone who’s rough on their nails, and any chips aren’t obvious

  18. Profound question of the day: would you give a Lyft driver less than 5 stars if he had bad BO? Like you have to open the window and get fresh air level of BO?

    2. Never, unless he was offensive in some other manner under his control.

      I’d be more apt to just not rate him than to dock his rating.

    3. Yes, of course. The app lets you select car smell/cleanliness as a feedback option. It’s a valid complaint.

    4. Yes, that’s a 4 star rating from me.

      I don’t understand the extreme reluctance to give anyone less than a perfect score. If your BO is so bad that I can’t exist in your vehicle for a few minutes then no you’re not getting 5 stars. See also: your driving is so stop-start that I get motion sickness (which I had never had before, and I’m over 40), you drive like you intend to be late and in fact make me way later than the app said I would be (stopping on yellow, staying in a long line for a turn lane when we’re not even turning, driving below the speed limit), you’re texting while driving erratically, the list goes on. If you make it extraordinarily unpleasant and/or dangerous to be in your car, you don’t deserve 5 stars!

      1. I give 5 or I won’t leave one. Life is too short to dock stupid points from stupid measuring systems.

      2. Ratings systems like these are often abusive to the worker, where if they don’t have a perfect score (and if they don’t get ratings at all), it’s basically a demerit against them. Since these types of gig workers are often living on the edge, I don’t like to contribute capriciously to a system rigged to exploit them.

        1. This. If they’re dangerous and shouldn’t have this job at all, by all means try to get them off the road.

          But if they smell like they don’t have consistent access to a shower, maybe that’s because they don’t. That’s what you get for using Lyft.

    5. No. I wouldn’t want to drive with that driver again, but it’s not like anybody wants to have bad BO or has it on purpose.

      And I also don’t leave a less than 5 star review if I have to open the window and get fresh air because of some horrid air freshener, which is on purpose.

    6. No – but I never leave less than 5 stars unless the driver is a safety hazard. If the experience was just not pleasant, I do not leave a review at all.

    8. I thought you couldn’t rate them less than 5 stars or they’d give you a bad rating and you’d never be able to get a ride.

Comments are closed.