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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If you have not gone to a fancy department store and manhandled some Narciso Rodriguez sheath dresses, I highly recommend it! They are so luxuriously thick, you can start to see where the difference in price comes from — the fabric has a great weight to it and you can notice the construction details and the muted colors. I'm a fan of this dress, which is a single piece although it looks like three. Note that it's dry clean only. It's $1895 at Net-a-Porter, although there are a few lucky sizes at Barney's for less. Color-Block Silk-Blend Crepe Peplum Dress
A few lower-priced options are here, here, and here. (And technically, this Jason Wu is lower-priced … but it's still $1395.) A plus-size option is here.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anonymous
Advice or anecdotes about the first LGP with a new guy going really terribly? New guy is kind and smart and fun and generally great. He’s been very reserved about physical affection but I’m not touchy feely either so I dismissed it. We had our first LGP and… I didn’t know it could be so bad. I mean I’ve had boring LGPs but it’s always kind of ok by definition. Not with this guy. He barely touched me (how is that even possible??), didn’t look at me, had zero reaction to anything I did, and… I feel shallow for having a problem with this… he’s very small. Neither of us finished, he said his issue was just the alcohol, although he’d only had like 2 beers.
I’m feeling pretty confused and disappointed. And tbh it’s a blow to the ego. Have I lost my touch? The guy wants to go out again and I guess I will? I suppose I should try again and see if there’s an improvement. Should I talk to him and if so what should I say? I had such high hopes for this one.
Anonymous
IDK, how were second and third base? Maybe a lot more of that while you sort things out if you otherwise really like the guy.
Anonymous
That sounds awful. Don’t punish yourself by trying again.
Anonymous
+1,000
Anonymous
He sucks in bed and not in a fun way and you’re not into him. Cut your losses and move on!
Anonymous
I highly doubt this is a you issue. I wouldn’t go out with him again if it were me. I am more than happy to work with a partner on improving LGPs by trying new things, helping him get to the right spot, etc., but what you have described is out of the range of things I am willing to fix, especially this early in dating. I want and need to feel desired and this sounds like the opposite of that. Seriously, how did he not touch you!?
Anon
My personal experience: when the LGPs are really bad, there’s no saving the rest of the relationship. Because there’s no overcoming that issue unless the other person is really willing to work on it. I dated a couple of nice-looking, sweet, fun, smart guys who were just terrible in bed. That’s important to me, and I wasn’t willing to compromise. You can give it one more shot with this guy, but don’t be surprised if it’s not any different.
Also, personal disclosure: my husband is on the smaller side of average and sometimes also has trouble with things, uh, coming to fruition sooner than he wants them to. As a result, he developed seriously impressive 2nd and 3rd base skills – because he cares about my experience and wants to make it good. And so I have no issues and would characterize our LGP life as “great.” Maybe this guy isn’t that into LGPs (it happens); maybe he was nervous. But if one more attempt doesn’t result in anything better, I would just move on.
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this one sure is pricey, but it is cute! I have to think whether I would look good in brown. I do not think the Judge likes me in brown, tho so I will ask the manageing partner.
As for the OP, I think these kind of thing’s take time, so if there is any hope OUTSIDE the bedroom, give the guy a chance, as the beers may have caused him not to be abel to “finish”. As for not toucheing you, I am a littel confused how you could be doeing anything meaningful unless he DID touch you, and I presume you took all of your clotheing off.
If the guy has anything between his ears, that is better I think then worrying about what is between his leg’s. The probelem is that most guys have nothing good in EITHER place. They think all about themselves, want you to pleasure them, then just roll over and go to sleep. My ex was this way and did NOTHING for me. I kept anticipateing that he would care about me and make me appreciate him in bed, but it NEVER happened. He was to interested in being impressed with HIMSELF b/c he was abel to have ME, a pretty and succesful lawyer, fawning over him and servicing him. He must have thought he was the King of Prussia or something, with me as his hand slave.
After a while, I woke up and smelled the coffee, and dumped him. So in your case, OP, see if your NON LGP activities are worthwhile with him before retrying the bedroom acrobatics. If they are OK, you can then communicate better with him in bed and have some sexueal satisfaction. If not, you need to do what I did. That is, DTMFA!!!!!! YAY!!!!
MargaretO
This is definitely not your fault. How could he not touch you at all??? I would not give a guy like this a second chance unless the foreplay was really really good (was there any at all?). If you do decide to keep seeing him I would have the next LGP sober and be very clear about what you need to enjoy yourself before and during. If he doesn’t listen, or if you tried that the first time and it went nowhere – nope! You don’t owe him any more of your time. If you didn’t have fun with him there’s no reason to should yourself into going out with him or sleeping with him again.
OP
I did a lot of foreplay. He didn’t do much, hence the barely touching. And seriously not to toot my own horn, but my boobs are my best feature. How can you not touch them?? Most people are all about them. He also didn’t reciprocate oral. I guess I should’ve asked for it but I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have to ask after I’ve just done that for you?
Anonymous
Nope, nope, nope. Do not pass go and do not go out with him again. My bf feels so bad about not being able to get me to the end that he often can’t get there himself. As nice as he may be to have drinks with, if he isn’t willing to make sure you are happy and satisfied in the bedroom? Big fat nope.
Anonymous
I meant if he can’t get me there. And he spends a LOT of time trying. He won’t even let me give him a bj without reciprocating!
Anondc
This sounds horrible =( Perhaps he was nervous and/or is insecure but from what you wrote, aside from the fact that he is nice and a good person, there doesnt seem to be much passion (emotionally or physically) that could make up the horrible LGP. So I’d cut my losses
Anondc
AND the fact that he wont compensate with his lack of skill (and size) by making sure youre satisfied is a huge red flag to me – again, cut your losses girl.
MargaretO
NOPE! nopenopenope a man who doesn’t reciprocate oral does not belong in your (or any woman’s) life. The end. You deserve so much better than a man who doesn’t care at all about your satisfaction.
anon
Seriously. I honestly can’t remember the last time I LGP’d with a new guy I was dating and he didn’t go down on me immediately and without hesitation. They always do it. Especially as we get past our late 20s/early 30s, men should know better by now. You deserve better.
FWIW, I’m also on team “first times can be super awkward and unless he displays disrespect/ no willingness to try, give it one more go.”
MargaretO
Yeah even having to ask the first time gives me pause. All of us are on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship (not talking about nerves and issues that arise from that) and if this is his best effort…do you really want to find out what it looks like when he’s comfortable and not trying to impress you? No you do not. Oral comes standard and any man who does not immediately and enthusiastically show his understanding of this concept is not worth my time.
Wendy
I can understand first-time nervousness but not going down is a complete showstopper with me. In my dating years, I’d dump a guy immediately who wouldn’t pleasure me orally. Don’t give him another chance to mess it up again. Move on!
Never too many shoes...
I will go a bit against the grain and suggest that you give it one more try since you seem to like and connect with him otherwise. But if it is still, uninspired, I would break it off.
LAnon
I agree. I have a “the first time doesn’t count” policy – there is so much weird stuff at play the first time (nerves, just generally being out of sync, etc) that it is pointless to use it as your sole data point for making a decision. I would give it one more try and see if there’s any improvement.
The first time I was with my current bf, it was an awkward, fumbling mess. We laugh about it now, 2+ years and many great experiences later.
anonymous
As somebody who might be bad at, um, partying (I don’t really know…?), give it one more shot with clear communication and maybe less alcohol. Is there any chance he’s inexperienced? If there doesn’t seem to be a trend towards improvement or any receptiveness towards changing his approach, then I grant you permission to move on.
Anonymous
There is a big difference between nervous and awkward because it’s the first time but still trying and awkward, dull, and not trying at all. This sounds like the latter. I would be willing to give the former a second chance, not the latter.
Anon for this
My first time with my now-husband was terrible. Like, so fast I hardly knew what happened. And I definitely didn’t have any pay off, if you get my drift. He was super embarrassed. We connected in so many other ways that I decided to give it one more shot. Second time, things were far better, and we haven’t had any issues since. So if you like him, which it sounds like you do, maybe give it one more shot. Ultimately, if it’s still terrible and he’s not receptive to talking about it, then move along.
Anomnibus
Yup, my first time with my current guy wasn’t great, but it got better, and it’s great now! Sometimes you need to calibrate before you click.
Anon
I haven’t read all of the responses but I’ve decided at this point in my life, I’m not putting up with it anymore. I’ve ended new-ish relationships because the first LGP wasn’t good. I get that nerves are a thing and that’s not what I’m talking about, but when it’s objectively terrible and doesn’t seem like it’ll get much better. Life is too short to put up with that.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s the most relevant part of your question, but on the size thing, are you sure he was fully… at attention? My first time with my now-DH, I thought he was really small but it turns out he was just nervous and not fully ‘engaged’. In reality, he’s definitely average to above average.
I tend to think nerves/inexperience are something that can be overcome with time and teaching but selfishness in bed is a deal breaker and it definitely sound like this guy is selfish and doesn’t care about your pleasure.
Torin
I usually find a first LGP awkward and not that great, because it’s so much about learning what the other person likes and teaching them what you like. Current SO and I have been together for a year and a half and things are pretty great in that department now but the first couple of LGPs were very meh.
But, what you’re describing sounds like it was worse than “awkward and not that great” and maybe not fixable. I don’t think you’re shallow if this is a deal breaker. S*x is important in a relationship.
Anon
My first LGP with my now husband was not great because it was… erm… quick (it had been a while for him…) but at least I knew he was into me. And things have vastly improved since then. Like, best ever.
If you don’t think you can get to Best Ever with this guy, and it doesn’t sound like you ever can, I would cut my losses and move on.
stick-on bra
Any recs for a stick-on bra for a backless outfit? I’m not big (34B), but the girls tend to flee to my armpits if they don’t have some support.
Merci!
Kk
I have a house brand neiman marcus one- the cups are normal bra material and underwire-ish, but the sticky wings stay under my armpits. I think I’m a 36b/34c, depending, but I bought the D cup one so that the underwire would reach ALLL the way around. I wear it 3-4 times per year and it’s going strong after 3 years- just rinse off the sticky pads with soap and water.
Murzle
So I have one and am struggling on washing it. My sticky cups have a lot of lint on them. I think this is from touching fabrics in suitcases because I store it pretty well. Should I just get a new one or is there a fix for this?
AIMS
I think you just have to get a new one. I bought one at VS of all places and store it in its original box to avoid the issue but my understanding is that the sticky part gets less sticky and thus less supportive over time anyway. I think these things basically have a shelf life of 4-6 uses, which is fair enough in my book. FYI, I think avoiding lotion when wearing it also helps.
Green Hat
This worked well for me: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00QNNYS42/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I hate shopping!
I am so sick of Internet shopping, the monotony of trends and colors across every site, and the ubiquity of poor materials and fit flaws across even the brands I can barely stretch to afford!
I have a pretty basic requirements- certain body parts I don’t want to show (stomach, toes), certain cuts I’ve learned never work (button-up), and about 1/2 the color wheel that I like to wear. I’m not even cusp or plus sized- when I shop for family who are the problem is 1000x worse. Yet even with the best of filters, I find myself scrolling…scrolling…scrolling
I know this would be much much easier if I could throw money at the problem. But I’m trying to build a wardrobe from scratch on a couple thousand a year, so I just needed to vent.
Thank you for listening.
AttiredAttorney
So this actually sounds like something that StitchFix might be good for. It’s not the cheapest, but they are pretty good at following directions like you outlined (about not showing certain body parts, only using certain colors, etc).
Anon
Do people really like StitchFix? I had only a few regular boxes before I switched to maternity, but in both cases, the quality was awful for the price. I literally received items with strings already hanging off. And I didn’t find that their sizing was very good for anyone who isn’t stick thin – I’m a medium but need a large if it’s tight in the boobs, and I got anything from mumus to bandage in terms of fit. I cancelled because I just couldn’t justify the price for any of the items. (Seriously, it was like $40 for 3 basic camis that you could get for $8 each at Target and they’d probably last longer.)
Anon
Do not like. Tried for a few months, cancelled for the reasons you mentioned – poor quality for the price.
Also after a few boxes they started ignoring my feedback and preferences. I’ve got nothing against full time yoga / MLM moms but I don’t want to dress like one, I’m in finance.
Anonymous
I’m in a facebook group that finds the Stitch Fix brands on Amazon (for 1/4 of the price) see if you can find that? Not great quality but fast casual and cheap.
In-House in Texas
I totally agreed. I thought the quality was poor. I ended up keeping one thing just because I didn’t want to lose the $20 styling fee. But now any time I wear the items i’m reminded how much they cost and I’m angry at myself. I canceled after 4 orders. Should’ve canceled after the first order.
Anon
Did not like Stitch Fix. Target quality at Nordstrom prices. I don’t mind having some cheap clothes in my wardrobe, but I expect them to actually be cheap. I cancelled after the first box.
Anonymous
“But I’m trying to build a wardrobe from scratch on a couple thousand a year”
What do you need help with:
— work wear / office formal
— specific figure or height issues (pear, apple, etc. shape)
Plenty of readers can offer specific things that work for you. I can help with pear-fitting work and athleisure wear.
I hate shopping!
Thanks- I have received wonderful advice when I post about specific items I’m looking for. And I’m sure I will be back with more conatructive questions when the latest round I bought this weekend needs to be returned.
Anonymous
It’s a lot of shopping roulette.
But I figure it’s better than wasting my free time driving around. I get stabby when I go to my local mall. It’s well stocked if you are a non-working yoga mom who goes to a lot of boozy book clubs and need to look fab all the time. It is not great if you need a suit (unless that means some sort of St. John getup).
I hate shopping!
Yeah…I have to drive 1.5 hrs each way for the neareat department store. I won’t ever go to Walmart, so that means Internet shopping.
MJ
This is what personal shoppers are for. A couple thousand a year might not be enough to work with someone at Saks, but Nordstrom or other stores might work fine. Just be very clear going in about what your requirements and budget are.
I hate shopping!
I’m really not trying to be defensive, but it seems like everyone miss understands what my budget meant. With less than 200 a month, if I need to buy a bra or shoes, I end up with enough for maybe a pair of jeans from the hardware store and a fast-fashion top…I find it hard to believe any kind of personal shopper would take an interest in that.
Anonymous
I would suggest you take that $200 a month and put it into a separate account so that you can do one or two efforts at buying more at a time after you have saved up a larger amount.
I hate shopping!
Can you explain why? Right now I’m trying to leverage it by trawling sales.
Anonymous
Sure, because IME you would have better luck utilizing a service like the personal shopper at Nordstrom by saying I have $1000 and I need X, Y, and Z.
Also, it would enable you to scoop up more than one item at end of season/holiday sales, giving you a year-round wardrobe.
Walnut
Have you compiled a list of exactly what you’re looking for? It’s easier to go shopping if you know you’re searching for 1 pair of jeans, 2 pairs of work pants in neutrals, 1 skirt in a neutral, 3 work shirts that go with all pants/skirts, 2 work dresses, 2 jackets, 2 cardigans. If you’re super specific in what you are looking for and commit to only buying pieces that you love, you’ll be able to build up a decent wardrobe.
If you need something to tide you over, take $200 to Kohls and buy a couple things to get you by.
If you want a super fast shopping option, buy 5 dresses, two jackets and a cardigan or two and call it a day. After my first maternity leave, I walked into Macy’s and bought all the Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren dresses and rotated them every day for a year until the maternity clothes came back out for baby #2. I spent around ~$800, but called my shopping complete.
Anon
I recommend this all the time, but browse Vivienne Files and her capsule wardrobes. As Walnut said, it can help you to come up with a list of exactly the pieces and colors you need, and focus on finding those. I bought a capsule at Target and Express at first because I needed clothes to wear that week, then expanded it out by focusing on replacing my “basics” with more quality or well-fitting items. And lots of ordering only from places with free returns, so I could order a couple sizes and return any that weren’t perfect.
Anonymous
$200 a month sounds like a nice budget to me. I definitely would shop sales, though. Personal shoppers are spendy.
anon
I used to go to a personal shopper 2x per year with a $500 budget.
JuniorMinion
Have you tried Thredup at all? Not likely to find full suits there but I have gotten some business casual basics – had best luck with blouses / dresses most of which clock in at $10 – $30 / item. Free shipping over $79 and free returns (for store credit, but still good for thrift in my opinion)
In terms of brands – have had good luck with:
Macy’s everyday value – the CK suits especially are good value for the price (~$50 – $75 / item). I also like their in house brand charter club (looking at $10 – $50 / item, especially if you get them on sale), especially the ponte work pants (people can hate on ponte all they want, it is pretty comfortable and polished and looks fine dressed up in my opinion for a business casual workplace)
ASOS – their in house suiting is hit or miss but I’ve gotten some great brushed ponte (washable!!) structured blazers. I also got a suit from them that clocked in at ~$100 – they have a really low free shipping bar to the US and if you spend more than $150 you get free 2 day shipping (free returns)
Old Navy – good work pants. I haven’t tried their blazers personally but the Harper / pixie pants both look polished and professional
JC Penney – haven’t tried but intrigued by their suiting line (Worthington) that comes in <$100 for a full suit
Target – their Merona line has some great workwear separates, I have especially liked the blazers
Payless – I love the Predictions comfort plus line for great almond toe basic heels. They clock in at <$25 / pair
Amazon – great for bras / underwear. Sometimes you can get last years styles heavily discounted – I am a 32 / 34 DD and have been finding some freya / panache / wacoal / spanx in the ~$20 per bra range
I do mostly online shopping (all the folks above have free shipping above some minimum/ free returns – I am not totally sure on JC Penney). Sometimes I supplement with TJ Maxx / Marshalls / Ross – I love those double lined jersey ralph lauren dresses / calvin klein dresses and they often appear there.
For reference, I work in corporate M&A (finance side). Almost never need a full suit, but wear a lot of structured sweater + dress + heels / pants / blouse and different blazer type outfits.
JuniorMinion
Also I push back hard on the idea that work outfits need to be expensive. I have found that as long as you look conservative and put together / Nothing is too flashy you should be ok. I work in a pretty conservative industry in roles with quite a bit of senior exposure and the thing I notice the most is the outfits people wear are plain which works out well for value clothes as plain items (think plain navy pants / plain solid color / basic patterned blouses) tend to read “cheap” the least
Maddie Ross
+1. My work wardrobe in almost entirely Halogen from Nordstrom (often bought on sale), Uniqlo, some J.Crew, some BR, and a little Target for good measure. I like shoes and bags, so I spend more there, but generally shops the sales anyway. The idea of spending more than $100 on any single item, save a bag or shoes, makes me ill. (And honestly, this includes a lot of suiting even… and I’m an attorney).
OP
Perhaps I have more fit issues that I thought, because Target, Old Navy, and CK do not look at all “put together” on me, and my 34G size bras are rarely discounted. I hope your recs help another reader though. I’ve had enough success with Macy’s that I keep trying.
And I second the payless Predictions heels! They have been my interview shoes for years.
Anonymous
You can usually get good deals at Lord & Taylor with their coupons. Their website is kind of annoying and the selection isn’t as good online as it is in stores, but they still have online clearance and do ShopRunner.
AnonAM
Check out the Amazon and Ebay store “LingerieOutletStore” – they have very discounted European bras (in your size), so if you know the styles you wear, you should be able to find them there. They ship from Europe so it takes a few weeks, but totally worth it for 75% off prices.
JuniorMinion
I’ve had the best luck with stuff that has some element of stretch in it. Pants have been relatively easy for me to find at old navy / CK but tops are much harder – I also have shopped the talbots clearance outlet in the past and had good luck on the pants side but that required going there in person.
Something like the below on the dress side:
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-polka-dot-jersey-dress?ID=4485697&CategoryID=60098#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D309%26ruleId%3D65|BS|BA%26slotId%3D6
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-scuba-crepe-sheath-dress?ID=2910252&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&CAWELAID=120156340006969298&CAAGID=15321443821&CATCI=pla-137484339661&catargetid=120156340009225440&cadevice=c&cm_mmc=Google_Womens_PLA-_-RTW+Womens_Women%27s+Dresses+-+GS_Calvin+Klein-_-66679071421-_-pg118731_c_kclickid_1d1a6bdb-025d-4989-b511-f23b891ae0fb&trackingid=424×118731&gclid=CPDjr5L_ptQCFQiLaQodCuAFpw
I tend to favor jersey / something with an element of spandex for dresses as it tends to ensure I have a waist…. I especially love the ralph lauren jersey dresses like the above because the shirring / or the ones that almost look like they are “knotted” by your waist are very flattering if you are more well endowed. I also don’t size my blazers to button in the front – when I do that its too large / boxy everywhere else so I just wear them open.
On Amazon bra shopping…it takes quite a bit of ninjaing / time / frustration :)
Good luck!!
Pompom
Amazon for those bras! 34HH here and it’s the only way I can afford legit bras! Elomi and Panache on sale, or in last season’s colors, all on Amazon. Just pay attention to the seller info (for ease of return) so you can buy and try.
Anonymous
I also wear 34G! It’s harder to find but, for example, Bare Necessities just had a flash sale on them.
SC
I remember it being hard to start from scratch. When I had to build my business formal wardrobe on a similar budget, I did a lot of mixing items of different quality and price. For example, I bought a bunch of tops at the Ann Taylor and Brooks Brothers outlet stores. But I also bought several (pretty) nice suits from department stores (Tahari, Theory, Boss, Lafayette 148), and those have held up with frequent wear for a long time. I added some sheath dresses that are mostly $100-150 and a few extra blazers, and voila.
I agree with the advice to think about what you need. Start with the basics. I also think it’s a good idea to save up for a few months and hit a department store with a personal shopper. The first time I did this, I went to a department store with $1000, and the personal shopper pulled stuff from all over the store, from the sale racks, from the back (this store placed items with limited sizes in the back, but the personal shoppers were aware of the inventory). I walked out with 2 suits, 2-3 dresses, and a bunch of tops. It got me through my first few months, and 7 years later, I’m still wearing the 2 suits and 1 of the dresses a few times a month.
OP
Thanks for the sympathy. I’ve worked myself around to laughing at my 1st world problem, which is the goal of a good rant.
You and all the earlier posters have convinced me that perhaps asking a shopper for help wouldn’t be crazy, especially because you mention info and access they might have that I don’t. I could be very, very specific about what I want, so it might be worth a shot.
SC
The good news is that once you get some work-horse pieces and have a good foundation, you can reduce your shopping budget and/or lighten up the “search” and just buy something because you came across it and really like it. I probably spend less than $1000/year now, and usually I’m keeping an eye out for something I love rather than desperately searching for something that’ll work.
Katie
Do you travel often (or rarely, or ever)? If you have a chance, whenever it is, to travel and perhaps hit an outlet mall/factory stores when you’re somewhere with more options, could you save up and plan to make a big dent then? My college town was rather isolated, but every so often when I’d have reason to travel, I was usually able to swing by the nearest outlet mall and do some damage. I always found nice deals on things that wouldn’t have been available online.
OP
My in-laws probably think I’m obsessed with shopping, because they 5 min from the biggest mall in the state, and I always want to go!
lucy stone
Seconding the recommendations for ThredUp or Poshmark. Most of my work wardrobe is Talbots, Lands’ End, or Boden, all purchased on clearance. I find that a nicer blazer can fancy up a more casual dress.
Aunt Jamesina
Oh man, I feel you! There is a lot of garbage (cheap AND expensive) out there right now. I’m so tired of gross, schlumpy modal knits and synthetics that have a harsh hand. I’m a straight size and I still struggle to find what I want much of the time. I’m super picky and a stickler for quality, and I also have a similar budget to you.
What I’ve done (this has taken about 2.5 years, so patience is definitely a virtue here!) was to first go through my closet for a massive, ruthless purging. I’ve never had a huge wardrobe, but I definitely used to be guilty of hanging on to items that were just okay, never fit right, or were wrong for my wardrobe or lifestyle. Once I did the massive purge, I made a list of the colors I loved that I wanted to make the basis of my wardrobe. There are 12 colors in all, seven neutrals and five “fun” colors. I chose them by simply looking at what colors I love and am drawn to and the ones that I feel confident in. Nearly all of them go together, and it made it easier when shopping to narrow the field. When I know that I just don’t buy anything brown, yellow, pink, or orange, that eliminates a lot. I also won’t buy certain synthetics or fabrics I’ve had bad luck with (no modal, no slub knits, no rayon, and no synthetic-blend t-shirts in my case)
From there, I made a list of about ten items I needed to “complete” my wardrobe to round it out, and purchased one or two every month or so. I would only buy them when I really loved them, they fit perfectly (which sometimes means tailoring), they were on my list, and they were in my price range. It meant I was repeating some items quite a bit in the meantime, but honestly, nobody looks at your clothes that closely. I have stopped buying impulse purchases, and now will only buy something if it’s on my list. Now that I’m happy with my wardrobe, that means maybe two clothing items and one or two accessories per season. I buy basics once a year (socks in the fall, tights in the winter, camis and undies in the spring, and bras in the summer), and since I have an exact preference (Natori Feathers bra, for example), I wait until I know they’re on sale (the Nordstrom annual sale is the only time that bra ever goes on sale), and stock up.
In your case, I would save up for two or three months, and do a quarterly shopping trip. You won’t go naked in the meantime, right? :-)
OP
5 year unemployed spending freeze–yep, I had an interview outfit, pjamas, and going commando… :) Funny but not funny.
Aunt Jamesina
Whew, glad you had an interview outfit! :-)
OP
And now I’ve got a job I love! Priorities for the win!
Betty
Looking for recommendations on the guy clothing front: My husband is tough on clothes partially due to his job (elementary school administrator) and partially just the way he is. He has recently been promoted and will need to wear nice slacks, tie and collared shirt every day, which is a break from his past uniform of khakis and collared shirt. He will need to be able to go from the playground to meetings with the school board without time to change. Any recommendations for brands that look professional but are also durable? (He has torn through Brooks Brothers in the past.).
Anonymous
Maybe not more durable, but my husband has had good luck with the wool pants from Lands End. He’s a Jos A Banks shirt guy. I love, love Ben Silver ties. More pricey, but IMO better. If he can wear more fun type ties, then VV ties are maybe good for someone who works with younger people.
Anonymous
Jos A Bank sport shirts (their Travelers polos) wear like f-ing iron so if their other clothes are the same that’s a great bet. And their clothes always seem to buy 1, get 12 free.
lucy stone
My husband is a lawyer and a destroyer of nice things. He’s also had great luck with the Lands’ End wool trousers and has yet to ruin a pair, even wearing them for a community theater musical. He does well with Lands’ End or Kirkland (Costco) shirts. I buy his ties on clearance at department stores because they always end up covered in soup.
Betty
Sounds a lot like my lovely husband. Soup/ salad dressing and anything oil based seem attracted to his clothing and anything he is sitting on.
Anon
Whoops… reply landed below.
TheElms
What about Eddie Bauer? They have dress khakis in colors other than khaki and wool suit type pants in a variety of fits.
Anonattorney
Eddie Bauer for the win. That’s where my husband gets all his clothes, and he has the same set of restrictions.
Anonymous
Maybe try some of the brands that are popping up for “technical” work clothes? My brother has a pair of slacks that he bikes to work in that wear like iron, but I can’t remember the brand. If you look closely, you can sort of tell that they not wool but rather some kind of performance material, so I wouldn’t wear them as a lawyer going to client meetings or something, but maybe they work for a school administrator (somethings gotta give if you need to be both running around a playground and going to business-y meetings, right?). There is one brand called Ministry of Supply that he/you could try.
Msj
Beta brand too. If he has some flexibility where he’s not expected to wear designer suits (which I hope is the case for public school educators) , I’d definitely recommend this route
Anonymous
Bills Khakis are amazing if he wants to wear a blazer, button down and a tie instead of a suit some days. Professional, durable, excellent quality, and will never go out of style. My husband, an attorney, swears by them.
https://www.billskhakis.com/
Maddie Ross
FWIW, I find Brooks Brothers shirts laughably flimsy. My husband has ripped at least 4 of them – usually on the elbow. Lands Ends no-iron shirts wear like iron. So do the Kirkland brand ones from Costco.
Mrs. Jones
Ditto all this.
Betty
Yes! He rips them at the elbow on the shirts and on the pockets on the pants.
Coach Laura
Costco’s $40 wool dress pants are what my hubby wears for work. They wear like iron but alas are dry clean only. Eddie Bauer is his go to for khakis though Costco’s are ok too.
Both husband and son like Costco’s dress shirts.
Anon.
If you’re still there – this is super strange but after years of buying very expensive dry clean only pants my husband tried one of the no iron slacks (washable!) from Target and loves them. If you have one nearby, it may be worth a trip.
Ms B
Joseph A. Bank for the shirts — The Hubs wears one four days a week and they make it several years through the commercial shirt laundry. His usual M.O. is to buy four to six at a time during their best sales (4th of July is coming!) and then to replace as needed (e.g. for ink stains, etc.). For elementary school administration, I say avoid white and go for blue, tan, grey, and prints. If it works with their dress code, plaids with a knit tie are a good way to go.
For ties, try discount places like Marshalls, TJ Maxx, Century 21, etc. or Macy’s on sale. We also have had good luck buying on line.
Betty
Thank you for all of the suggestions!
Bonnie
Costco non-iron shirts wear like iron and under $20. Can he wear non-tan chinos? If so, Costco also makes them in darker colors and they look pretty sharp.
anon
Formerly in a similar work position. I also suggest keeping some more comfortable footwear on hand for visiting school sites/classrooms, a heavy duty bag/briefcase, and emergency gear in his vehicle if he is driving to sites frequently.
My car had extra tennis shoes (for dealing with mud, broken pipes, construction, helping with classrooms), a hard hat, work gloves, an extra suit for school board meetings, spare heels, non-perishable snacks for 16 hour work days, a case of water, sunscreen for athletic events/playgrounds, a golf umbrella, and a bag of misc office supplies for meetings. It’s amazing how much variation you can have in a work day and still need to look nice for board meetings/media events/etc… best of luck!
super duper anon for this
Welcoming advice on how to script breaking the news that you are leaving a firm for another firm. Just never done this before (been here 7 years) – small firm, small city, staying in the same circuit, so we’ll see each other professionally regularly. On the surface I’m leaving for more flexibility, closer to home/school/work, etc – but the reality (known by me and two other partners) is that I’m moving because this place is a chaotic mess and ever since I refused to engage in a representation I found unethical about a year ago, the managing partner has made my life here miserable in death by a thousand paper cuts. Everyone else will be surprised that I’m leaving and will likely ask a lot of questions given the small firm/family relationships and collegiality we have – and the fact that I had recently obtained partner status with equity buy-in, the standard for saying you’re a lifer here.
I suspect it’s just in my head but the veneer of “flexibility” seems mighty thin and I’d just appreciate any polished sounding scripted statements and responses as to why I’m leaving, especially given that I’ll see these people (most of whom I really like) at least every few weeks for the remainder of my professional career, so I don’t accidentally blurt out “because I’d actually just quit my job and weave baskets underwater than stay in this clusterf*** another year.”
Anonymous
“Why are you leaving?”
“While I’ve greatly enjoyed my time here, I’m excited about a new opportunity.”
anon
This.
I don’t mean this to sound harsh at all, but don’t overestimate how much people care about your career and what you decide to do. People are self-involved. This seems huge to you but it’s not huge to anyone else. Basically, everyone knows that there are lots of reasons people leave firms, that often those reasons are personal and/or confidential, and that they’ll never know nor have a right to know the full picture.
Anonymous
It’s a small world and you are right. Your rationale may seem (to some) to be a bit thin, but it’s your story and you’re sticking to it. Just smile and say to the appropriate people how much you’ve enjoyed working with them and that you’ll miss them and look forward to seeing them around. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.
I think that people who pause to think will realize that things are more complex than surface level (except for the lottery winners) and will then assume that it was some idiosyncratic personality thing or other issue. The whopping bodies that are buried are never well-buried, so ultimately curious people will sense but not really care about the real story.
January
Yes – remember, politicians say they’re stepping down to spend more time with their families all the time. It’s an acceptable cover story.
LAnon
Don’t worry too much – people care about this a lot less you think they do.
A flimsy, vague reason is fine. “I was thinking it would be a good time for a change, and this opportunity came up – I’m so excited!” or “I was just looking for something more flexible and closer to home, and found this opportunity. I’m excited for the change, although I’ll miss you all! I’m glad I’ll still get to see you!”
Will they know it’s a vague excuse and suspect something else is going on? Probably. Will they press you any further about it or think less of you? Probably not.
Not exactly the same situation, but when I interview people, I always ask why they left or are looking to leave their previous position. The only thing I care about in their answer is that they don’t say anything negative about their former position. I’ve certainly heard a lot of flimsy reasons along the lines of, “Ohhh it was just time to move on; I’m just looking for a new challenge…” Great! They pass the test – shows good judgment to give a professional answer.
Senior Attorney
Yes to all of this. And repeat as necessary. I call it the Broken Record Technique:
Why are you leaving?
I wanted some more flexibility and this opportunity came up so I decided to go for it!
Yeah, but why are you really leaving?
I’m super excited and although I’ll miss you guys I’m happy we’ll still see each other!
But what’s the real reason?
I’m looking forward to more flexibility in my schedule!
Was there a problem at the old firm?
Oh, no! They’re great! I’m just looking for a little bit more flexibility in my schedule but it was a tough decision!
And so on. Do not give an inch and eventually they will stop asking.
Anon
Rant time – MIL sells products as part of MLM company. I just got back from a weekend visiting college friends where she sent some samples with me for friends to try out. Last night she asked and I told her friends are happy with current products and aren’t interested in MLM company’s products. This morning, she calls friend A and asks for friends B & C’s phone numbers to try to educate them more about products. Grrrrrr. I am happy to try samples & tell friends about it, but the hounding has to stop!!! Husband just had a long talk with MIL and now she has texted me to apologize. What do I say? I need to have a thicker skin and deal with her…
Happy Monday?!?
Anonymous
“Thanks for the apology, I appreciate it.”
And stop helping her with her sales plan!!
Anonymous
Your MIL has your friends’ phone numbers?
Stop engaging on her with anything MLM. Set a firm boundary for that and stick to it. Don’t accept samples in the future, don’t even engage in a discussion with her about it.
Anonymous
Yeah, how’d she get anyone’s phone number? If I were Friend A, I’d be livid.
Anon
When I had a job that required “dress” clothes but was seriously manual labor, these stood up well: http://www.dillards.com/p/roundtee–yorke-travel-smart-non-iron-flat-front-ultimate-comfort-microfiber-dress-pants/506348270?di=04745443_zi_black&categoryId=607776&facetCache=pageSize%3D96%26beginIndex%3D0%26orderBy%3D1
It was a male dominated field (as in I was the only woman in about 300 miles) and the womens’ options for dress slacks that had pockets and didn’t fall apart were nonexistent. These pants were the best I found at the intersection of “didn’t fall apart after a week” and “not too tough on the wallet”.
That said, blank Cintas uniform pants, if kept ironed and not allowed to fade, might be fine when paired with a dress shirt and tie. Those things are indestructible.
ATL visit
Any recs on where to stay if taking two elementary school children to the Georgia Aquarium? And other things to do / places to eat for rounding out a weekend? We will have a car.
My ATL familiarity is all in my 20s in the VA highlands area / East ATL with some college friends who are DINKs who are still local (so they can drive downtown to meet me for brunch / early dinner but both work OTP and have no kid-specific or downtown advice).
cbackson
I wouldn’t stay downtown even if you’ll be going to the Aquarium, because it can be a bit unsafe and it’s also very convention-y (so can be super crowded and also not great for kids). I would stay in Midtown – not sure of your budget, but there’s a spectrum of options from high to low (Hyatt House up to the Four Seasons). If you stay in Midtown you can take MARTA verrrrry easily to the Aquarium (it’s like 2 stops and no changes) and won’t have to deal with parking.
The Children’s Museum is near the Aquarium, as is the College Football Hall of Fame which may be of interest depending on age/hobbies.
If your kids are into science and dinosaurs and such, the Fernbank Museum in Druid Hills is nice. I think they’re also reopening or have reopening the Fernbank Forest, which is a big private woodland behind the museum with walking paths; I loved it as a kid. They also have an IMAX. There’s an observatory at the Fernbank Science Center (despite the name, the Museum is private, while the Science Center belongs to the school district) which is opening on weekend nights for free stargazing.
If you stay in Midtown you can check out Piedmont Park. There’s a farmer’s market Saturday mornings. You can rent bikes and bike through the Park and onto the Beltline. That depends on your kids being able to ride bikes for a couple of miles, though. If you have younger elementary school age children, they’ve recently revamped the children’s garden at the Atlanta Botanical Garden (which is in Piedmont Park) and the rest of the garden is pretty cool for kids as well (elevated boardwalks, tropical glasshouse, carnivorous plants…).
Eager Beaver
I second staying in midtown. Also, WildWoods at Fernbank is pretty fantastic: http://www.fernbankmuseum.org/wildwoods/.
AnonJen
The Coke museum is next to the Aquarium and the Children’s Museum is also in the area. As for places to eat, it’s not haute cuisine but the Varsity is always a hit with my friends’ kids when they visit.
Snick
I was in Atlanta with my middle/high school aged kids a couple of months ago and we stayed at a Regency Suites hotel in Midtown. The hotel was just ok but rooms are huge and it’s next door to a MARTA station and within walking distance of tons of restaurants. We took MARTA to the Aquarium and other downtown attractions and it was so quick and easy.
Another Anon
Could consider the Westin downtown since you’ll likely be driving everywhere anyway. Kids love riding the 73-story glass elevator. If it’s a conference weekend, that part of town will be sufficiently busy to not seem too sketch.
+1 on Fernbank.
Also, depending on how old the kids are, could rent bikes/take a walk on the Beltline– get on at Piedmont at 10th and walk/ride down to Ponce City Market or further.
No Problem
I’m hoping someone here has some suggestions for me on what to wear when lounging around home. When I get home from work or are getting dressed on a weekend and plan to put on comfy clothes, I usually do not feel like putting on a bra. Just…ugh, they’re not terrible but not what I would consider great to wear when relaxing. I’m a member of the A team so I don’t need a ton of support, but I do need to dim the headlights and keep things from bouncing around too much if I do need to leave to run a quick errand or something.
I used to have some tank tops with shelf bras that usually did the trick, but I don’t have any now and haven’t seen any in stores recently. I don’t have any very stretched out sports bras. Is this what a brale tte is supposed to be for? I have to be honest…all of them I have seen are lace, and I hate lace on bras. It’s usually itchy and will show through most clothes. And they look just as restrictive as a regular bra. Is there some other clothing item I don’t know about that will do what I need?
Anonymous
Sports bra. If your are too tight, buy the next size up. Some brands also make day bras – I think Yummie makes one called Audrey or something like that.
Anon
I also do a light-support sports bra, one size up.
Anonymous
Gap Body makes plenty of non-lace bralettes made of thin cotton – no underwire or structure at all. I’m a 32DD and I sometimes wear them to sleep in.
No Problem
Ha! One of the two non-lace ones they do have are actually what I use as sports bras. So I guess I can just get some bigger ones or try the other style…
EM84
Also a fan of Gap bralettes. I buy them in bulk when on discount, my favorite one is Seamless Racerback Bra (and I also like Supersoft lace halter bralette).
I wear them after work, during weekends and also during hiking. Sometimes I fall asleep in them. They are soft, no itching involved.
FWIW, I have A-cup with wide ribcage and Gap’s M size fits me well.
Green Hat
Coobie bra.
Anonymous
+1 coobie
No Problem
Why did I not know these were so inexpensive? When I’ve seen them mentioned here as such a miracle bra I pictured an $80+ item.
JuniorMinion
I’ve liked the kalon bralettes from amazon / puma low / medium support sports bras (If i need to leave the house).
Anonymous
Uniqlo bra tops?
Miz Swizz
CostCo has some Felina ones that I bought on a whim and really like. The lace ones were on sale so I bought those and didn’t find them to be too itchy, but I think they had some non-lace ones as well. I’m a 38C so these are strictly lounge around the house wear.
Anonymous
This is late, so may be considered more of a rant than a response…Last week someone asked about using a professional organizer. I had a professional organizer work on my kitchen and pantry about a month ago, and I wouldn’t do it again. The organizer was more interested in following certain principles of organization than in making the area actually work for my life. For example, she was very insistent that only food should go in the pantry. That might be great for modern houses, but my 60s ranch has more storage in pantry than in the kitchen cabinets. So my pantry ended up only 1/3 full, while my lower kitchen cabinets were stuffed so full it was hard to get anything out. She also was adamant that duplicates should be sorted and only 1 of an item should be saved – so for example she thinks you should only have 1 pot spoon, or 1 spatula. As someone who does a lot of batch cooking on the weekends, this is crazy.
After the organizer left I re-organized everything in a way that fits my actual life. Overall my kitchen is more functional, but I could have hired a cleaner to help me do the same thing for a lot less money.
Anonymous
Thanks for reporting!
Good thoughts
I agree, I wouldn’t hire an organizer for such a personal space. General household clutter and areas like playrooms and such seem like a better focus.
Senior Attorney
Oh my goodness! That’s crazy! Only one of each thing? Obviously that woman is not getting within 100 yards of my multiple sets of measuring spoons…
Profile
How do you plan for parents that haven’t saved for retirement? How much do you “owe” your parents.
My parents have not planned well, the plan is for my father to work until he dies. He has been unemployed recently and this weekend they called and asked for ongoing financial support, a thousand a month. This is something I can’t afford, but I don’t know what to do. I always half knew it would come to this, but, I’m conflicted, should I be getting a roommate and trying to get an extra job? To make things more complicated, my father was abusive growing up, but my parents did support me financially during college. There are cultural issues at play here too, family is expected to support each other financially, but I don’t see how I can do this without ruining myself.
Anonymous
Are the eligible for publish assistance, or have they refused to apply?
Anonymous
How much can you afford? $500? $300? Offer that, and hopefully you can have some peace of mind and be done with it. Absolutely do not get a roommate or an extra job.
Anonymous
Therapy, tell them no, and if you do decide to do something, set a budget you can live with – no lifestyle changes – and make payments directly to providers so you know their basics are taken care of and the money won’t be spent frivolously. For instance, pay landlord or mortgage company directly, etc.
If they aren’t willing to agree to these terms or make major changes for themselves – putting aside pride to apply for aid, etc – you definitely shouldn’t, even as a “good daughter”.
Anon
I have a different take…it’s easier said than done, but I don’t think you owe your parents anything. If you want to help out of the goodness of your heart, sure, but you have NO OBLIGATION. Paying for a reasonable level of education for your child assuming you had the funds is what you sign up for as a parent. It doesn’t entitle you to extra special treatment. On top of that, your father pretty much gave up even normal levels of child-parent treatment by being abusive.
Anonymous
Completely agree. You owe your parents zero financial support.
Anonymous
I agree with this also.
Anon
This is what I’ve told my parents and my child: children do not owe anything for being raised. Providing food, shelter, and an education are the baseline of what is legally required for care of a child. In today’s world, if you don’t provide those things to your child, your child will be put in foster care and you will be jailed. I do not feel I owe my parents anything. They took care of us, but they always put themselves first, financially (I.e., if it was a choice between my mother getting a new car she didn’t really need or me going to summer camp, she got the car). And I will never feel that my child owes me anything. I made the choice to have children and take on that responsibility. Ever since reliable birth control became widely available, parenthood has been a choice.
OP, I would just tell your parents “sorry, I can’t afford that” and offer what you can, even if it’s $100 a month. If they try to guilt trip you, you have a decision to make: ignore it, or cut off contact. They were adults when you were a child; they need to own their own decisions. You are an adult now and can make and own your own decisions. You need to be saving for your own future. I know this isn’t easy, and I feel for you. But don’t compromise your own life for them. I would never, ever want my child to do that for me.
anony
Holy cow, this is harsh. Everyone’s situation is different. My mother sacrificed so much for my sister and me (she was single most of our childhood)– we totally expect to help her when she gets older if she doesn’t have enough money. I also made this clear to my husband when we married. Maybe it’s because I come from a working class family where generations help one another based upon who is able to at the moment, but I find it shocking that you all would allow your parents to fall into destitution rather than helping them financially. I get it if you have no relationship or were abused by your parents, but if you have a loving relationship would you still not help?
JuniorMinion
I think you are coming from a place of “can’t” as opposed to “won’t.” If my parents were really struggling and working hard / saving etc and just unable to make ends meet of course I would help them. But I am unwilling to subsidize their poor choices to live in an expensive house / drive expensive cars and for my mother to not really work much for basically the past 25 years. These are people with college degrees who have many avenues to find work / downsize their lifestyle and choose not to.
Anon
Situations and relationships are different. One thing I’ll just say is that a familial expectation of old-age support is a contributor to generational asset insecurity – i.e., mom and dad didn’t save for retirement so I have to support them, meaning I can’t save for my own retirement so now my kids will have to support me, and on and on. Parents who have to rely on their kids for support are dragging their kids down; something I hope you’ll consider if you plan to have children (I would hope you’d adjust your expectations of them). I understand why you want to help your mom, who was a struggling single parent. My mom was not single, and she had good-paying government jobs with pension plans, and access to retirement planning services provided by her employer. The two situations are pretty different.
I also think it’s really different when you have a single parent who tried hard but struggled to save, and other situations where the problem isn’t struggle, but carelessness or frivolity. For example, if my parents had saved, but then it turned out they’d put all their money with Bernie Madoff, we’d definitely want to help them out, because that’s a situation beyond their control. (I still would not feel I “owed” them, though; just that I wanted to help.) It’s different with people who decided to buy a boat instead of saving for retirement – we have people in my family like that. And in that case, they’re on their own. Everyone has choices in life, and it’s not like people don’t know about retirement savings and its importance.
Aunt Jamesina
OP said her father was abusive.
anony
Yea, so was mine (hence the single mother) and I’m definitely not giving him a dime… I agree that I would not feel obligated to help if I were in OP’s situation. I was just surprised at the number of people saying that they don’t expect to help their non-abusive parents. I think this is mostly coming from people with parents who were pretty well off but didn’t attempt to save for retirement. I can understand that sentiment, it just seemed harsh.
Anon at 10:34
Like you said, everyone’s situation is different. All I was saying is, regardless of your situation, children don’t “owe” their parents anything for providing a standard level of upbringing and support. Your mother sounds wonderful and I totally understand why you would want to help her, but I stand by my point that you don’t owe this to her. You are doing this because you love her – that is different.
Anonymous
I mean, I will if they need it, but I’m going to resent the h*ll out of my mother for only kind of working (very part time, for my father) since my brother and I moved out well over a decade ago, complaining about not having enough retirement savings (and I have no idea if this is actually true, because my dad won’t discuss money), and then balking every time I suggested getting a part time job because “then we wouldn’t have flexibility to do things” (my father owns his own business and has a ton of flexibility with his schedule). Gee, mom, I don’t exactly like working, but you know, bills and retirement savings are a thing.
THIS
So, so much this. My mom complains about not having enough money, but was so ridiculously picky about finding a job and ended up taking a very low-paid job because it met her requirements (ie: “nice” people, no evening/weekend work, close commute, half-day on Friday, etc.). She doesn’t have a college degree and was quite incensed that so many jobs require one. She was unwilling to take any number of well-paid jobs that did not require a college degree because she would be “too tired to do the things she likes”. Well, welcome to the real world, where we have to make choices and live with the consequences of those choices.
Anonymous
My parents are wealthy but DH’s parents haven’t saved anything for retirement. They plan to keep working as long as they can, but when they can’t work anymore we will likely have to support them. We’ve discussed it and believe we owe them a roof over their heads and food on the table, but we don’t owe them these things in their current HCOL area (NYC) and we don’t owe them these things at the expense of our own ability to pay bills and save properly for retirement (but we would help them before indulging in luxuries like vacations). We plan to pay their bills directly when available, e.g., we’ll set them up in what we consider a modest but livable apartment and pay their rent directly to the management company. If we gave them $X a month they would blow it on stupid stuff and then ask for more because they can’t pay their rent.
Anonymous
Don’t they get social security? They’ll need to live within their means.
anony
My grandparents receive social security. Between that plus my grandfather’s pension it is barely enough to scrape by in an extremely LCOL area– and their mortgage is already paid off! I don’t know why so many people on here think it’s feasible to live on social security alone.
Anonymous
It isn’t! But what’s the alternative?
Anonymous
Actually, a huge proportion of seniors live on social security alone.
You downsize. Or you get a border.
You get on to subsidized senior housing waiting lists.
You move to a cheaper area, with access to public transportation and senior services.
You continue to work part time.
You get rid of cable and check things out of the library. You don’t eat out, you don’t buy stuff. You live within your means.
You use meals on wheels, food banks, get rid of cars and get cheaper senior transit passes and use senior shuttles. Many cities have tons of inexpensive cultural options for seniors.
You make do. It’s not the dream, but many many do this.
And family helps as they can.
Anonymous
“No. I can’t afford that.”
Your abusive father and complicit mother will just have to rely on social security.
Torin
+1
Or if you really do want (as in actually want, not feel guilt-tripped into) to help them, I agree with what others have said about just paying a few bills directly. Even if you do decide to help them _do not_ help them live a lifestyle they clearly can’t afford in the first place. It’s not sustainable for either of you to try doing that. A friend’s SO gives his mother cash, and she not only spends it, she also racks up credit card debt for dumb luxuries she doesn’t need and then begs him to pay it off for her when it starts to mount. And he does. Don’t be my friend’s SO.
Never too many shoes...
While I completely understand the guilt that comes from cultural pressure (for which you may wish to consider some therapy), abuse is a deal breaker. You do not owe them *anything* and certainly not at the expense of your own comfort. Send them $100 giftcard for the nearest grocery store if you want, but that is it.
Live well and for yourself, friend, and do not for one second feel bad about it. Choices have consequences, and they will just have to live with theirs.
JuniorMinion
“I’m sorry – that is not doable for me.” Repeat ad nauseum. You don’t owe your parents. I echo the poster above who said when you choose to have a child, you are committing to raising that child reasonably / paying for education to the level you can afford (and at least in the current financial aid / loan system, its the people whose parents CAN afford it and choose not to help them who get screwed – those whose parents really cannot afford it are eligible for grants / subsidized loans).
If you want to help, I would commit to saying “I will cover your electric bill” and then send money directly to the providers. I have a lot of sympathy for people in poverty / who have unexpected terrible things happen to them. My sympathy is low for middle class and above people who would rather have a boat / expensive car / stop working when they have kids than fund their retirement.
Jen
This. If I sent $ to my mother, I would just stink eye and resent ever frivolous purchase she made, ever. Pay the oil/gas/water/electric/prop taxes/whatever, pay it directly, and tell them it’s all you can do. It’s harder to resent them keeping the temperature at 71 vs 70 then spending $100 they don’t have on a new comforter.
lucy stone
My in-laws took out a 30 year mortgage at age 65. They also bought a bunch of timeshares. They have no equity in the house beyond a few years of mortgage payments. I know we are going to end up paying for their nursing home. I have been mad about this ever since they bought that house. No advice, just sympathy.
Anonymous
Will you or will Medicaid do it?
anony
Good luck finding a decent nursing home that is covered in full by medicaid…
Anonymous
Well, “decent” and “access” are different things. FWIW, I know nursing homes well and very few are decent! Medicaid does generally provide access though for people who need it.
Anon
I’ve been super-clear with my parents that if they run out of money (they have assets, but are not being terribly frugal in retirement), I will happily help them find assisted living or nursing care that will meet their needs within the limits of whatever Medicare pays and whatever money they have left, and I may contribute a little. But they absolutely should not expect that DH and I will be paying $3000 a month for them to live where they want; if they have specific ideas about where they want to end up, they need to save money to make that happen. Priority number one for us is saving for our own retirement. Priority number two is saving for our childrens’ college education. Number three is paying off our house/staying out of debt. Whatever we have left after that is what we’ll have to support them, and it won’t be much. They had 45 years of working life to save for retirement – including 20 years without kids at home. I won’t feel sorry for them if they fritter away their assets too soon; that’s their choice.
Anonymous
Just to clear up common misperceptions, Medicare does not pay for nursing home stays that are not acute – Medicaid does after your assets are basically gone – and no one pays for assisted living – self pay.
THIS
So much this as well! One discussion that I’m starting already with my husband and siblings is how much support we’d provide. I think the biggest issue is that both sets of parents have a certain standard of living that they think they should maintain forever. But it’s not our job to make sure they can’t maintain that standard forever. Neither have saved enough to live their current lifestyle into retirement, but I feel much less obligated to prop up their standard of living when husband and I (and all sets of siblings) have chosen to live well below our means in order to save for retirement, etc. My mother complains about “downsizing” to a 1600 sq. ft. house… while husband and I just recently “upgraded” to a 900 sq. ft. apartment. We were in a smaller 1 br. apartment for several years before that because we wanted to save money. If it comes to a point where she needs substantial support, the first thing we’ll do is sell the house and move her to a nice 1 br apartment. Or help her find a roommate, if it turns out that maintaining the house is cheaper. I feel like we need a formula or something: x sq. ft. per person in a safe neighborhood, they need to work at least a part-time job as long as they are able, etc.
Backsplash
I am looking at getting a proper tiled backsplash put into my kitchen. (Right now, I just have a “lip” of counter material and paint.) Recs on what materials/colors etc. are best if my primary goal is to have something durable and easy to clean?
I cook a ton of often strong-smelling, splattery foods, and sadly do not have an outside venting hood, so easy to clean is must.
Cb
I’ve been looking at tiling but it is quite expensive to have done and my DIY skills are nonexistent. A decorator recommended just getting a stainless steel sheet cut to fit the space and mounting that which seems to be a budget friendly / easy to clean option, although not the most elegant one.
Anonymous
Smooth tile you can scrub. I have the ubiquitous white subway tile – easy to clean, not much grout, can use harsh cleaners and scrubbies on them.
I don’t recommend the stones or mosaics. Too many nooks and crannies.
Anonymous
All tile should be easy to clean. Some tile is textured, like tumbled marble, but when it’s installed properly it should still clean up just fine. Maybe avoid white grout if you’re going to be cooking with a lot of things that stain.
Anon
If you have DIY inclinations, YHL has a very recent blog post about installing a tile backsplash.
Aunt Jamesina
The larger the tile, the less grout you’ll have to clean. I’ve also seen people use sections of glass cut to fit the backsplash, which seems like a very easy to clean alternative.
AZCPA
I did glass bricks with super think grout. It is very easy to clean and looks great. Get a few estimates on cost – mine (for a large kitchen) was very inexpensive). I believe Home Depot home services offers this as an option.
Eye shadow
Any recommendations for simple tutorial in how to apply eye shadow?
I’m 40 yrs old and really don’t know how to do more than sweep a single color across my lid. I’ve looked at a few YouTube videos but they make it seem so complicated!
BB
The blogger Extra Petite has an old tutorial on how to do a smokey eye which is super easy to follow (like 3-5 steps). If you use neutral colors, it looks more like “normal” eyeshadow than a proper smokey eye.
Anon
I’d check out Lisa Eldridge.
Maddie Ross
I think going to a makeup counter (not Sephora necessarily, but a makeup counter like Lancôme or something that skews a bit older than millennial) and ask them to do it and walk you through it. Ask them to recommend a palate of 3-4 complimentary shades that would work for you and show you how to best apply. Once you get that down, you can advance from there. Don’t try to jump all-in with a smokey eye.
Anon
Clinique Quickliner on top. Smudge to blend. Put a darker shade of a clinique duo on your lid near your lashes, sweep the other color on the rest of your lid. Add mascara if you want. Done. You do not need a super-complex routine for everyday.
AnonAM
All I do for work every day is a medium, matte brown or taupe in my crease and smudged on my lower lashline. Sweep it on with a big fluffy brush (add in a smaller defining brush for the lower lashline if you’re feeling fancy) and it defines the eye. You can add on from there – shimmery or matte light shade to highlight the browbone and inner corner, a shimmery color of your choosing on the lid, a darker brown shadow along the lashline and outer edge of the eye, or thin line of liner on the top lashline.
Also, decent brushes help if you’re trying to up your eye makeup game. Nothing expensive – start with elf (the black-handled $3 brushes, not the white $1 dollar ones), RealTechniques, or Morphe.
On YouTube, I like PixiWoo (they’re the makers of RealTechniques brushes) and Tati Westbrook. They both have “beginner” tutorials.
B
The best thing I did was purchase a Naked Basics palette and three eye shadow brushes: a tiny pointy one, a fluffy blender one, and a medium (regular?) looking one. With those tools you can look up tutorials specific to the colors you have, and there’s no guessing if you have the same color as the people in the videos, or whether they’ll go together. With the Naked Basics palette, I have learned to do 3 looks pretty well–an everyday neutral, and two smokey eyes–and I am terrible at makeup.
SIL-zilla
Think I just need to rant. Posted lots about my terrible soon-to-be SIL. We’re a few weeks out from the wedding and she is clearly having some panic-driven grief spiral about losing her brother forever. My therapist has provided great perspective on what she calls an “attachment drama” – basically SIL is needing more and more reassurance that she’s important to him. But she is being so needy and self-absorbed – less than a month before his wedding! I am really enraged. I’ve mentioned before but she has a disabled infant son, so my fiancé feels (understandably) bad for her, which makes things so complicated.
Last weekend she confronted him about what a bad brother he’s been, how he’s been an absent uncle and hardly sees her or her kids anymore. He felt so terrible afterwards. But the fact is he sees her as much as ever (at least 1x/week, usually more) and bends over backwards to help her out. The conversation stemmed from her fridge being broken..? She was absolutely livid that we would not take all of her perishable foods due to space in our own fridge. She basically said to him, “You don’t care about your niece and nephew. We’re so poor right now – you should throw away your food because otherwise we have to throw away ours.” We took her frozen breast milk and other “important” items like a bag of frozen shrimp (lol). How is this such a dramatic thing??
He’s between jobs and she has been asking him to do so many things for her. He waited at her house for 5 hours (!) for a fridge repairman that never showed. This week, two weeks before our wedding, she has asked him if he can “please do a huge list of critical house things because otherwise we’d have to hire a handyman which we can’t afford.” Random unnecessary things like re-caulk her bathtub and hang new curtains. Her perfectly capable spouse is a teacher and about to be off work all summer – why can’t they wait a week? SIL really seems to be making up totally random chores to prove to herself that her brother still cares about him.
She also keeps texting such needy things, basically begging for reassurance. Such as, “am I correct in assuming my daughter and I should not be in attendance at the wedding rehearsal?” To which the only real answer is, OF COURSE we need you there, you’re both in the wedding party, you’re so important, everybody loves you.
Fiancé is not blind to this but feels very guilty (disabled child, etc) and can be so manipulated by her. I am so anxious this is just going to get worse and worse over the next few weeks, and that she might have some breakdown at the wedding (emotional wreck + alcohol is never good), where she is supposed to give a best man toast. We have had couples therapy and the sister thing is less of an “us” issue anymore – he has really learned to prioritize his new family and to put his foot down if his sister is unkind to me.
But I feel so angry and want to tell this woman that for once in her life, this time is not about her. It’s her brother’s time to shine and take care of himself. Or send her some article from a psychology journal or something. Why can’t she just accept this as a joyful time, one of gaining family not losing it?
Anonymous
I don’t know about her side of it, but you’ll need to reset your expectations. This is who she is, she’s showing you, she’s telling you. . . your fiance is showing you and telling you how he’ll react. This is the price of admission to joining this family.
Senior Attorney
No kidding. You are going to have to learn to live with this or it will make your life miserable forever. If you can’t live with it you should call off the wedding, for reals.
PrettyPrimadonna
All of this. It’s a no for me.
anon
This should be your Fiance’s problem, and the fact that he seems to be unable to draw boundaries makes me concerned for the future of your marriage. How is he handling it now? How is she behaving? Can you tolerate these things if they never stop?
Anonymous
the whole time I was reading this I thought she was a single mom, until I got to the end. WHY is she asking your fiance to do “handy-man” tasks when she has a spouse? Does not compute. What does her spouse think of all of this?
Aunt Jamesina
Same here. Holy cow. OP, don’t expect this to change if your fiancé can’t put up appropriate boundaries.
Anonymous
Has your therapist given you any practical ways to just let some of this go? It would be terrible if you let your anger over your SIL ruin your enjoyment of your wedding. If you are ready for this not to be about her, you could start by turning your own thoughts, emotions, and priorities somewhere else and just letting her go a little whacko in her own corner. But don’t go join her there.
Anonymous
Nah you still have a FI problem. It should be easy to say “no I can’t do that ask your husband.” If it isn’t that’s on him to fix.
Anonymous
+1. And this will only get worse, not better. If this is something you think you can’t live with (and I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to live with it), I would think seriously about whether you want to go through with the wedding.
Anonymous
+1 Your SIL isn’t going to change especially when your fiance continues to enable the behavior.
nutella
Yes, your fiance needs to respond to her handyman list: “I’m sorry I can’t help right now. OP and I are busy planning for the wedding!” For things like the rehearsal dinner, maybe include her on an email to the whole bridal party such that she receives the same kind of notice as everyone else does.
I don’t know what to tell you about the speech, though, that seems fraught with issues. Do you have a wedding planner? If so, he or she is a good resource to address or help with that.
You and your fiance need to talk, talk, talk. I understand he feels guilty, but that is manufactured guilt. HE is not harming his nephew by not throwing out a fridge full of food; his sister and her husband are doing that. He also needs to realize that by letting her guilt him he is putting her emotional needs ahead of yours. Remember that family comes first but that your spouse is the family you CHOOSE. It shouldn’t come to having to choose a blood relative over a spouse, but when it does come to that, you choose your spouse (and your fiance can blame his sister for creating that ultimatum, but you can’t as it’s not your choice, your fiance’s).
Anon
Piling on (sorry). SIL sounds like she may have BPD or something (had a friend who had BPD and the behavior was similar). That’s not going to get better on its own. If your fiance doesn’t set boundaries and enforce them, it is really not going to get better, which will be really frustrating if you end up having your own children. It sounds like she’s always going to come first, for him.
This is coming from a place of love and experience, whether it sounds like it or not: please do some serious thinking about whether or not this is the life you want, before you get married and it ends up being a mistake. Because once you’re married, the sister is part of the picture permanently and however your SO is dealing with this now, probably that’d going to be how it is going forward. You already have had to go to couples counseling about this. That’s not a great sign for the future. I have a friend who’s married to a guy with a really codependent family. She says if she had known back then that nothing would ever really change, she wouldn’t have married him. Life is long and it’s hard enough negotiating the world without extra drama being generated by dysfunctional family dynamics from someone else’s family. I wish you the very best of luck.
Jax
SAVE THE $16 BAG OF SHRIMP!!!!!! LOL
Your SIL sounds ridiculous, and I just hope you realize that she isn’t going to fade into the background once the wedding is over. If your boyfriend is so close to his sister that he made her his best man, visits 1-2 times per week, and is her go-to-guy for fixing things (over her own husband)…
Every holiday, she’s going to be there. Every long weekend, she’s probably going to be there. She’ll be at the hospital when you have your babies. She’ll be at the hospital when HE has an issue, pushing in on you. She’ll demand his presence at her kids birthdays/recitals/plays/sporting events and guilt trip him if he doesn’t make it. If you can’t imagine going in together for a beach house vacation with her family (I’m willing to bet it’s in your future!!!!) then I’d think long and hard about this marriage.
You aren’t just getting him–and by the way, he sounds wonderful, because he cares and is willing to help her out–you’re getting his crazy pants family. You will only have more interactions with her after the wedding, not less.
Anon
Hey, if it really were a $16 bag of shrimp I’d want to save it, too!
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I was just thinking that saving the shrimp is the sanest part of the story! ;)
SC
Saving the breast milk is definitely the sanest part of the story. Unless SIL no longer has a baby who’s consuming breast milk.
Senior Attorney
Well, yeah. Of course.
anon
Make a plan for her in advance… fiance and you agree that she gets 1 hr/week of his time (don’t tell her this, just come up with the amount in advance). When she uses that time up in whatever way, he just tells her he can’t this week but offers his time to her the following week or if a project takes several hours, he tells her that he can help her and her husband on x date and x time. After, when she asks for more, he tells her that he put several things aside to take care of that project and has to now tackle those so he won’t see her til the following week. No discussion, no conversation, he says this, it is law.
She’ll learn over time if he stays strong, the same as a kid who always wants snacks or candy or a neighbor who wants to drop by every day. Boundaries.
As for the wedding misc., have a plan for her then too… a relative who is assigned to her, etc. Make sure she can be quickly removed from the room by someone who can slip away if she starts acting up or acting out. Have someone check in with her before the toasts and assess whether she is sober and able or if she’s in a bad place mentally to give a decent toast. Have a plan for her if she can’t. Have a plan with the DJ to cut power to the mic if she gets nutty.
This is how she is and who she is and it’s likely this will continue if you guys don’t squash it now. Make sure fiance knows you’re a team that he’s not alone about this, and then tackle the problem, don’t let it continue to be one. <3
Anon
Your fiancé is not setting appropriate boundaries with his sister. If he can’t or won’t learn to do that, then you are looking at a lifetime of dealing with this dynamic. If that sounds unbearable to you, at the very least, please do not have children until you figure out if you are going to stay in the marriage.
Torin
To the person who recommended Dr. Jart’s color correcting sunscreen:
THANK YOU! I tried it and it feels light on my skin and the color correction just looks like my face but without red spots. I usually hate face makeup, but this stuff is awesome.
Cornellian
I love the tigergrass (?) cream that goes along with it. I do that followed by Jart’s BB cream.
Torin
The tigergrass is the one I’m talking about. :)
I don’t use anything else with it cause I can’t be bothered.
Marshmallow
LOVE that stuff. And the jar seems to last for ages.
Rainbow Hair
Is it the one I can find on Amazon that comes in a jar?
Marshmallow
Tigergrass Cicapair color correcting cream, in a jar. Kind of green and white packaging.
Torin
This one:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01M0J05G8/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s02?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Bette
I was so ready to love this but it reacted really weird with my skin. Like instead of going on smoothly, it balled up and got weirdly gunky?
I have not had that happen ever before including with other Dr. Jart’s products.
I would recommend sampling this before committing to the $50 tub.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
Am I a bad friend? Tell me how to handle this.
I have a hyperactive toddler who is not in daycare. We both work but have “shifts” caring for toddler. Home is usually a mess. The place is too small for us, but we can’t afford to move anytime soon. It’s usually tidy for a half a day every week right after cleaning. Then things revert quickly back to messy. I’m ok with this.
I have a friend who wants to visit but only my clean, tidy home. She is hurt that I’m not inviting her over but rather suggest other places we can hang. Now she is backtracking and saying it’s okay, she can visit my messy home too. But I have heard so much judgement from her that I can’t really unhear it. She has told me in detail, starting with in which drawer I should keep my pans (she moved them herself), commenting that is smells dusty when entering through the door… just everything that is wrong with my home.
She wants to visit, probably won’t say anything mean… but I kind of don’t want her over? I should just let it go and be a good friend. What is the right thing to do here?
Anonymous
Lolz what? She’s a bad friend and a bad person. Stop being friends with her.
Anonymous
+1,000 WTH!? She is not being a friend to you, why should you be one to her?! Gross.
Anonymous
Is she coming over because she enjoys seeing your child? If not, maybe you can hang out at her place.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
Yes, she wants to see my child. She also is flying from her city. Before I had a kid she used to stay at my place for weeks. Now she stays at her sister’s.
Anonymous
Maybe you guys can take your kid to the zoo or the park or something. I don’t think you’re obligated to entertain her at your place. You can create special memories or something during a special outing.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
That’s was the plan, yes! But she changed her mind and wants to come over.
Anonymous
Tell. Her. No.
Are you always this much of a doormat? She was repeatedly rude about your home so now she is not welcome.
Anonymous
What? No. Your friend sounds like a terrible friend. It’s always rude to outwardly judge someone’s home for being messy, but it’s especially cruel to do it a working parent of a toddler without any childcare.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
She doesn’t have kids yet so I kind of understand that she doesn’t understand.
Pompom
You are being too kind. I don’t have kids and yet I understand the challenges you–a total internet stranger–are facing. She is your friend, and kids or not, a reasonable human being with subjective knowledge of your situation should not be behaving this way. Don’t cut her slack. Cut her out for a bit.
Anonymous
Oh H E L L no. I don’t have kids and don’t ever plan to have kids. I like clean and neat and I keep my house that way, but on no planet do I expect my friends with kids to have a spotless or even reasonably clean house when I visit. That’s ridiculous.
I also am not a flaming jerk and would never ever criticize the cleanliness or organization of my friend’s homes, kids or no.
Pompom
+a million
ELS
Ditto.
Anonymous
Same.
Sloan Sabbith
Nah, I don’t have kids and I can understand that toddler with two working parents equals mess. This isn’t because she doesn’t understand. It’s because she’s being a terrible and mean person. Bye, Felicia.
tribble
Gonna jump on this train – I don’t have kids, I don’t judge anyone (kids or no) for their mess in their own home. I certainly wouldn’t say anything to a friend.
The only person I’ve ever criticized for having a messy home is an SO. As in: I’m concerned we have different standards for what “clean” means and that’s going to be an issue if we ever move in together. Do you classify your bathroom with the pee dribbles and hair and dust and toothpaste and is-that-white-stuff-shaving-cream-dear-god-I-hope-so encrusted on every surface as “clean” or as “a place I won’t enter without a hazmat suit”?
Anomnibus
No, you’re not a bad friend! She’s made rude, judgmental comments in your home before, I could see not wanting her over even after you’ve cleaned up, for fear that she’ll still find something wrong with the place. Why does she need to come to your house?
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
She used to stay here when she was in my city visiting me/family/friends. I think she sees us being less close when she isn’t staying here.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, you’re less close because she has treated you horribly.
Torin
OMG what, she not only said rude things about your house being messy, she also reorganized your stuff??
No, nope, and nu-uh. She’s in the wrong here.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
I know, but I also get her. She was brought up in a very strict home. I know because we’ve been friends for 20 years.
Anonymous
That doesn’t excuse her bad behavior.
Jen
I would invite this friend over to your messy home and hand her cleaning supplies. you might lose a friend or you might get a clean house. Either way sounds fine to me. I’m a busy working mom with 2 under 3. If you’re not OK with my kid squalor and you don’t want to meet somewhere else, I do not have time for you.
Lobbyist
Was thinking same thing. Maybe she can help you clean and visit with you at the same time. Win win?
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
I think that would really add fuel to the fire. I told her after she complained about my home the final time that we can meet elsewhere. Asking her to clean would be mean.
Anonymous
Kind of like how she is being mean to you?
Jen
Yes, it’s mean, but that was my point. Her behavior isn’t nice.
Two Cents
Your friend is crazy. I admit that when I have friends come over I immediately go into cleaning mode because I hate seeing so much mess/clutter, but this is because I WANT to — nothing my friends have ever made me do. And I know full well my kids will create a mess again as soon as I have tidied things up, and my friends know this too. Your friend is not a good friend.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
The final time she visited I did a panic clean up, but it wasn’t enough. She said her new BF had allergic symptoms because it was so dusty at our place. Kid was a baby then, I/we were getting up 20 times a night. It was dusty.
Anonshmanon
Seriously, when you visit family with a new baby, you cook for them and help them out. Because everybody knows they get up a zillion times a night. You do not complain about the state of their home. OP, you deserve friends who are nice to you.
Anonymous
Man, I have been the one who has sometimes avoided friends’ places because they/their pets/their roommates were dirty or annoying, but I wouldn’t dream of insisting that they clean up. She should be the one suggesting alternate places if she doesn’t like coming to your house.
Cookbooks
You’re definitely not being a bad friend. If anything, it’s the other way around. As your friend, she should understand that you have a toddler and that you try your best, but you’ve found that for now, it’s easier to just lean into the chaos.
If you’re comfortable doing so, give it to her straight: you don’t appreciate her judgment. You suggest alternatives because you know she doesn’t like the mess, and so you’re trying to accommodate her. So she should do the same for you.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
Yes, that’s what I did. She is sorry. She wants to try coming over again.
Cookbooks
But you don’t want her over. This next visit, have another outing, and maybe with the following visit you’ll be less annoyed and willing to invite her over.
From your other replies, she’s a long time friend, so I hope you’re able something out with her!
Senior Attorney
Nope, sorry. Too soon. Maybe next time.
Never too many shoes...
There is a bad friend in this situation.
It is not you.
CHJ
DH has a friend like this, who is a compulsively neat person. He always makes little comments, such as suggestions for how to clean the stove. I think in his mind, he’s trying to be helpful. But the end result is that we don’t have him over to our house anymore. We will go to his house or go out to restaurants, but that’s about it. And since we also have a toddler, we just don’t see him as often as we would otherwise. I don’t feel particularly bad about it – if he is going to criticize our home, he doesn’t get to come over.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
That’s my husbands stance too. But I’ve had this friend for 20 years. I want to make her happy and I also don’t want her judgement.
Pompom
And yet, she doesn’t seem that interested in making sure that you are happy.
Torin
I’m not really sure why you’re defending her so hard in this thread. She’s a jerk.
You don’t have to “make your friends happy”. Seriously, that’s not what friendships are. They’re about supporting each other and enjoying each others’ company, not bending over backwards to make each other happy.
Anon for this because I'm embarrassed
I really need to think about this a bit more.
In a few years we might have a bigger place with space for stuff, kid may have calmed down, be in school, and we’ll muster up the energy to clean more.
Aunt Jamesina
But if you do end up moving to that bigger place and cleaning more, it should be because that works for YOU, not to accommodate your crappy friend. I’m a crazy neatnick, but never in a million years would I think to criticize my friend’s home. Dust and clutter are normal, especially when you’re working and have young children. If she doesn’t like the state your home is in, she shouldn’t insist on coming over.
Anon
Ok, to be fair to your friend, I wouldn’t love visiting somebody’s crowded, messy home either. It sounds like you don’t care about the mess much, which is fine, but it’s not my preference. But I would never say that to somebody.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I don’t think the offense is not wanting to visit a dirty house. The offense is being a witch about it.
Sarabeth
Right. I know that my best friend gets stressed out by mess; but I have two young kids, so my house is usually messy. She’s admitted that being in my house is not very pleasant for her (I asked her about it directly). So we usually meet up elsewhere, either in a restaurant or park or in her home, which is always neat despite the fact that she also has two young kids. I don’t know how she keeps her house that nice, but that’s how polite people handle this situation.
Anon
This whole thread is just bizarre. If someone’s mess bothers you, don’t go to their house. Don’t judge them. Don’t comment. Don’t rearrange their stuff. It’s really not that complicated. Spend time with them somewhere else. It has nothing to do with having kids or not having kids. Plenty of people without kids are messy and don’t entertain at home and their friends deal.
I really just don’t understand this one.
Anomnibus
Has anyone here had to move back with their parents, after a few years living on their own? What was the transition like? Any advice for someone planning to make that move at the end of the summer? Is it worth it to rent a storage unit for some of my furniture and housewares, or should I plan to sell/trash basically everything that’s not coming home with me and plan to buy new stuff when it comes time to move out again?
Now that my efforts to replace my roommate have officially failed, my plan as of now is to move back with my parents unless I manage to find a suitable place to live in the city. I’m going to keep searching, a little, and I do have a slightly promising lead at a friend’s place, but I think this approach will be much less stressful than scrambling to find a place, with my parents’ house as a fallback. Hopefully I’ll only be there for a year. But while my parents are fine with me coming home, I worry that deep down, they’ll see me as a failure and a burden, and I worry people will think I’m immature for “giving up” and “running home” to mom and dad.
Anonymous
I really don’t get this. You are turning a totally normal thing – a roommate moving out – into a major life crisis. Go apartment hunting! Look for a place that needs a rooomate!
Anonymous
+1 A year? Why on earth would you need to be there for a year. Maybe a month until you find a new apartment or an apartment that is looking for a roommate?
Anonymous
And she will say “because Boston” but now is prime time to be looking!
Anonymous
Right. I live in Boston. The big move in date is September first. In most neighborhoods, listings aren’t even posted before July 15. I’m very confused by this series of posts.
OP- if you want to move home to save money and figure out your next move, go for it! I suggest you sell your furniture and keep housewares (linens, kitchen stuff, lamps) in boxes in your parents’ garage or basement if they have room. If they don’t, don’t rent a storage unit unless the belongings are very valuable or sentimental. I know my first paragraph didn’t seem very sympathetic– I do get how stressful it can be to have uncertainty about where you’re going to live– but you have lots of time.
Cornellian
I also don’t undersatnd why you would move home long term because you can’t find a roommate. Take a few weeks or month if you want, but why do you need to be there for a year? Do you want to be for other reasons?
Anomnibus
There’s definitely a financial benefit. Even if they charge me rent, my monthly expenses will be significantly less than they are now, which will give me a chance to pay off debts and bulk up my savings.
tribble
Have a solid plan for how this is going to work. Develop a budget and exit strategy before you move in with your parents. My observation is that people who move back home generally don’t move out until they move in with an SO or they buy. Generally speaking, inertia is tough to overcome, especially when it comes to a PITA thing like moving. It’s also really easy to get used to having a nice home, neighborhood you can run/walk in at any hour, tidy shared spaces, your own bathroom, a closet big enough for all your stuff, a fridge that’s never empty, etc.
Anomnibus
Yeah, I can see that getting comfortable. I was there for just after a year after college, but between the dog and cat I’m allergic to (even though I love them!), having to take a train to work and back to the suburbs each night, my boyfriend is in the city, so is my hobby, and most of my friends, the ‘burbs aren’t very convenient! I’m worried I’ll go back to being the boring person I was 4 years ago if I stay too long.
I moved out once I had a job that paid enough, and thankfully one of my friends also wanted to move so it was easy to team up.
I am a little fatigued from dealing with roommates, but sharing a bathroom with my sister will only be marginally better. And I only *wish* I was going home to a bigger closet, I think it’ll be a bit of a squeeze.
Anonymous
Why are you moving home? Is it that you can’t afford to live on your own? In that case, do you need to just downsize your expectations? Or do you need a roommate to feel safe in the neighborhoods you can afford?
IMO, moving home is easier when you have an endpoint that is fixed (“when you find a roommate” could last 10 years). Your parents don’t have the boundary issues and you/they won’t see you as a failure if there is a time limit.
In the meantime, save up what would be “your half of the rent” so that you have $ for any eventual deposits, etc. and be super-helpful and considerate to your parents if they aren’t charging you rent.
Box up some essentials (kitchen, cutlery, bedding, bath items) and donate the rest after 3 months or so if you are still there. Donate your boxed stuff if it’s in a box in 6 months. Most stuff isn’t worth having to pay to move and pay to store. But don’t clutter up your parents’ house.
Anomnibus
Oh yeah, I can’t see myself being there for more than a year, I think I’ll be itching to leave pretty soon, and I’ll keep my eyes out for anything good on an “off-cycle” lease, or the possibility of a sublet that could turn permanent when the lease is renewed. If nothing else, I’ll look for someone to look for apartments with early next year, and start looking in April. Maybe it’ll be a friend, maybe my boyfriend will be ready to move in.
Aunt Jamesina
Forgive me if I’m off, but I remember you posting about this a few times before. You seem a bit hung up on the fact that your boyfriend is not ready to move in with you, and that stress has bled over into your roommate search. Finding a roommate can be tricky, but it’s far from an impossible process. I get it, it sucks when you want to move your relationship in one direction and the other party doesn’t. But you can only control your own life.
You have until the end of the summer? Your plan to find a roommate has not “officially failed”, especially since there are probably a ton of grad students moving to Boston to start school in the fall. Put an ad out, get out there and go pound some pavement and find yourself a roommate if you truly don’t want to live with your parents!
Anonymouse
+1
Anomnibus
No, I don’t have until the end of the summer. I had until June 1st, if I couldn’t give building management a name by then, they were putting the unit on the market. I got an extension because I had someone interested, but that fell through, I’m out of time now and honestly even if I could negotiate a few more weeks I’m just tired at this point.
Boston is weird. Landlord want leases signed for September by sometime in June or July, not the end of August. So no, even if I should have all summer, I don’t have all summer.
Anonymous
It’s June 5th. Get to looking and get out of your parents house in September. This is not hard.
Anon
I really don’t think Boston is some special place where different rules apply to housing . . . You’re making mountains out of molehills here, OP.
Anondc
I dont quite understand why this is such a big deal/you wont start looking again until April. Are you doing this for financial reasons (you want more savings,money for a security deposit, etc). If so that totally makes sense to me/I did that for six months after i graduated undergrad and while it wasnt ideal I saved up a lot of money (i started with barely any savings) and found a great apartment in like 3 months.
Are you unemployed right now/straight out of college or something? I dont really understand why your parents would see this as a failure unless you plan on just sitting at their home doing nothing until April. I think you might be making a mountain out of a molehill on this one.
Senior Attorney
There is nothing about this saga that I understand.
If one were uncharitable one might interpret this as running home to your parents when things get a little tough, and/or trying to exert some pressure on your boyfriend to move in together.
If you were asking for advice, which I guess you’re not, I’d suggest doing whatever you would be doing if moving in with your parents weren’t an option.
Aunt Jamesina
Ohh, I didn’t even think of the passive-aggressively exerting pressure on the boyfriend angle. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Please Stop
Omg I do. not. care. to hear more about how you refuse to deal with a perfectly normal roommate switch up. Move in with your parents. Or don’t. Break up with your boyfriend because he won’t move in with you. Or don’t. Find a new roommate. Or don’t. Find a new apartment you can afford. Or don’t. But PLEASE stop giving us blow by blow updates when you’re literally just whining.
Anon
I’m sorry to say, +100 to this. There are ladies here who have gone through bitter divorces or other major life-upending events they weren’t this detailed or melodramatic about it. This is one of those situations where you’re going to have to do some adulting and figure some things out. Very frankly, the last thing I would do is move home. That really should be a last-resort option.
Anonny
+200
Agreed. Also, from what i remember the OP is in her late 20s which imo is too old to be pulling this melodramatic easily fixable ongoing drama.
Anon
Inspired by the above thank you, I’m adding my own. There was some discussion about Orange Theory Fitness a while back. I’ve always hated exercise, but so many people were so enthused about it I decided to check it out for some reason. I’ve been going for several months now and today I am wearing a suit that I haven’t been able to fit into for nearly a year. So, THANK YOU to those who talked up orange theory. It’s been so awesome for me.
New Tampanian
YAY!!! GO YOU!!!
I have been bad… haven’t been in almost 2 weeks. EEEK! This is enough to get me rolling for tomorrow!
Anon
Oh yay, I’m glad I could help. It’s really amazing how much better I feel (physically and mentally) when I go.
Sloan Sabbith
I feel the same about people who talked up barre. I just feel so much better about myself and stronger and a lot of it was due to this community singing it’s praises.
Ace
yay! I just went back to OTF after taking a few months off and I’m back in a honeymoon phase (so i might have talked it up previously — or might not have, not sure). I’m glad you found it!
Anon
Ladies, what are your best interview tips? I have an interview tomorrow afternoon and the job would be perfect! I want to do everything I can to nail it! It’s in the financial sector and I’m trying to transition into the field from law.
interview tips
If you have work samples, bring ’em. I always bring my laptop to to interviews and have several items ready to show. I’m in marketing, so I frequently get questions about how I measured success, “tell me about a campaign that did X and Y”, “show me how you build X and Y”. It’s so much easier to pull up a presentation that shows what I did, how I did it, and why it was successful… especially because it’s well-designed, so that gets bonus points :) Also, if you can white board something, this is always big in my interviews, but I don’t know how that would translate in finance. Basically, if you’ve got some advanced models on the computer or you can white board out some of the models they might ask about, that would be good.
Be prepared to talk through the process that you used to create any work samples that you provided beforehand. Have a succinct description for the project, your role, how you interacted with any other colleagues on it, and the outcome.
Have a few good examples of a time something was tough, it failed, or you made a mistake. And of course, how you overcame/fixed it!
Minnie Beebe
No, no, no! Do *not* bring a laptop or work samples. I think this is good advice only if you’re in a design field.
Be prepared to answer standard interview questions, but also be prepared for a couple of oddball questions by having a couple of standard “filler” statements at the ready to buy yourself time to think. “Oh, that’s an interesting question…”
Know your resume and the job description like the back of your hand. And absolutely have a few questions for the interviewer(s,) even if you’re asking multiple interviewer(s) the very same questions.
And: You kick a$$! You got the interview– they already know you’re qualified! Now they just want to decide if they want to work with you every day. Be relaxed, be confident (but humble) and take credit for what you’ve accomplished!
interview tips
Fair enough if this is field-specific, but in my field, I’m ALWAYS asked for work samples and have been asked several times to pull something up on the spot to walk through it. If nothing else, I’m asked to send writing samples in advance, and most of the time, my interviewers will ask specific questions about the samples I sent. I’m also asked to bring in specific examples if I have them. This isn’t just for design portfolios, I’ve seen this for Project Managers (ie: bring / send sample project plans or spreadsheets), programmer/ software engineering (white board this problem, walk me through this code review), writers (at minimum, send 3-5 writing samples). For some things, employers want specific experience in a software or program, so they might even make you walk them through something in an interview on their computer.
Anon
But they’ll tell you before hand if they want that. It would be super weird to whip that out in the middle of an interview and derail their interview plans to show them some spreadsheet you made.
Anon
My experience is this (bringing in work samples, walking through them) is just not a thing in law.
waffles
Writing samples make sense if the new role would have a publishing component (like equity research or economics) and if you have written/published something similar in your current job.
Also, watch or read the business news in the morning before your interview. You should be able to speak to current events and how they are impacting the markets.
If it’s relevant, have a quick pitch for one or two stocks you would buy (or sell) and why. Think about valuation, corporate strategy, growth potential, sector / country exposure etc.
AnonZ
Remember that being asked for an interview means that you’ve already cleared the threshold of being basically qualified for the position. The interview is to figure out if you’d be a good person to work with and a good fit for the team. Assuming that your resume isn’t completely made up, you should go in feeling confident that you have the foundational knowledge to succeed at the position.
Have a good pre-planned answer for why you are interested in the industry and what drew you to this organization in particular. For the latter, the more specific you can be, the better, i.e. don’t just say “I want to work here because I think it’s such a great company, it’s got a great reputation, and you are doing such exciting things.” Try to find some recent press releases (usually under the “News” section on the website) and see if they have announced anything lately that is in an area of interest to you – “I read that you had received an award for X, which was exciting to me because I worked on X-adjacent topic two years ago!” If you know who you’re interviewing with, Google them ahead of time and see if there’s anything obvious that you can connect on.
A good phrase to have handy is, “As I was preparing for our conversation today, I read/learned/was thinking about…” as a polished way to start an answer or talk about something you’ve researched. For example, “As I was preparing for our conversation today, I learned that you went to the University of Virginia. My grandparents live in Charlottesville, so I’ve spent a lot of time there.” Sounds way better than, “Oh, so, I stalked you on LinkedIn, haha, and saw you went to UVA…”
Anon
Haha yes I’ve stalked the people I’m meeting with on LinkedIn and Facebook! There’s really no personal connection.
Lima, Peru
I have a two week vacation to Peru coming up this summer. We have most of the trip planned (few days around Cusco to see Ollantaytambo and Machu Picchu, week on a riverboat in the Amazon to explore Iquitos and Pacaya Samiria National Reserve). But I’m still trying to figure out what to do with our three days in Lima. I’m thinking at least one day trip out of the city and maybe a walking tour of the historic part of the city, but not sure what else.
Any recommendations for tours or tour companies to check out for Lima day tours? Other things to do in the city?
Anonymous
There’s a lot of good food in Lima, I’d really hit up the restaurant scene and maybe do a food tour or a cooking class. The monastery of San Francisco has catacombs, which are kind of interesting.
cbackson
There is a very cool sort of hidden restaurant in the historic core run by French nuns. I loved it.
i loved peru
In Lima go to the catacombs of the I believe San Francisco church. Creepy but worth it.
Anon
Loved this food tour: https://www.limagourmetcompany.com/food-tours-lima.html. We did the day tour and had a blast.
AnonZ
Oooh definitely go to the Circuito Magico del Agua (Magic Water Circuit) at the Parque de la Reserva at night – amazing fountains all lit up!! A perfect place to walk around and see the gorgeous fountains and people-watch.
anony
A cooking class would be fun in Lima. Peruvians are OBSESSED with their food (for good reason). There are also great art galleries and museums. Miraflores and Barranco are two nice neighborhoods outside of the historic center that you could check out. I also remember there being a big market for touristy stuff somewhere in Lima if you want to do souvenir shopping. Keep in mind that Lima will be very cool and foggy when you’re there because it is their winter.
But with all this said, I would spend more time in the Andes/ sacred valley rather than heading back to Lima after only a few days in Cusco. The Peruvian Andes remain one of the most beautiful, culturally rich places I have ever traveled. Take your time there!
Anon
Relax? Figure it out when you get there? Do you need to have every hour planned before you leave?
waffles
I did a great day trip to Palomino Islands from Lima, where you can swim with sea lions in their natural habitat. It was perfectly safe and so much fun!
Lima also has a pottery museum, with a big display of erotic pottery. It’s weird but interesting. I think it’s called Museo Larco.
Lima also has some ruins – they are not as nice as Machu Picchu though. Most of the bricks at Huaca Pucllana are reproductions because they are mainly mud bricks (not stone like Machu Picchu).
The mall in Miraflores is nice, but it’s still pretty much just a mall. I also had my phone pickpocketed at the mall, so watch out for that.
The food in Peru is AMAZING!! Enjoy!!
ITDS
You can go see the Nazca lines in a long day trip from Lima.
resume help
I was admitted to the bar in 2008 and have been with the same employer for the last 9 years. Should I be dropping my law school work experience off my resume? I’m hesitant to because I worked for a professor who filed matters with SCOTUS and I feel like that looks good…but it was also 10 years ago. I’m applying for a professional board right now but am also casually looking for work.
Cat
This sounds like it should be a bullet point under your law school, as opposed to standalone work experience.
Anon
I dropped a lot of my law schools awards/activities at about the 5-year out mark, when I needed the space more to describe what I’d been doing at my job. There just comes a point in time where that’s way more relevant than anything you did in school. That said, is the work you did with this professor relevant to the type of jobs you’re applying for? If so, I can conceive of leaving it on there. But otherwise, at 10 years out, I’d say drop it.
Pompom
If you really want to include that professor on the resume (it is impressive!), remove it as a work experience entry and include it as a one-liner under your law school.
Law School Name
Juris Doctor, cum laude dates etc (whatever format you’re using)
Honors: law review
Internships: Professor Fancypants, appellate research assistant (mo, yr – mo, yr)
lucy stone
I think I’m going to do this. Thanks!
Torin
I’d drop it.
cbackson
I’m your same year, and I was also an RA for a prominent professor and helped him write a book. I dropped it about 5 years ago – the only law school honor that’s on my resume now is that I was EIC of a journal. For me the rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t sacrifice space that could be dedicated to your accomplishments in practice to highlight something you did in law school, and I had enough other stuff that keeping it didn’t make sense.
If your resume needs bulking out, it may make sense to keep it. It might also make sense if it’s germane to the jobs you’re looking for – particularly if you are trying to make a job switch and don’t have other relevant experience.
Anonymous
I’m surprised by these answers. Do you spend the whole page describing what you did/are doing at your 1 post law school job??? I’ve left some of my law school internships on my resume so that I have more than I job on it. Do I need to change that and just list the one job???
lucy stone
I’m the OP and that’s what I’m struggling with – I’ve had two jobs at one employer, but am worried I’m just going to have a big wall of text.
Anon
Break it up into bullet points. I don’t think that’s weird.
Anon
It really depends. I’ve spent maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of a page on my two post-law school jobs. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to have a few highlights from your education still on there though.
cbackson
So you’d still have an education section, but it would be more limited in terms of what it includes. Even a skinnied-down education section ends up taking up about 1/3 of the page. I’ve had two post-law-school jobs (and two positions at one job) in 9 years, so that’s the bulk of the page. Then I list my board service/civic stuff at the bottom.
If you’ve only had one post-law-school job, I think that you might need to keep more stuff on there just so it doesn’t look empty.
Ultimately, my only hard and fast rule is “make room for your most relevant experience.” For me, at this point, law school stuff has to get limited in order to do that.
Anonymous
10 yrs out the only law school related stuff I have is – graduation honors; 2 graduation awards (as in – top student in Contracts; top student in Whatever Else); top 10% of class; and Law Review.
I list one summer associate experience at a firm and give it 2 lines. And for my 2L summer associate gig, I literally tacked on to the end of my associate experience: Summer Associate May-August 20xx — since I ended up there as a real associate. And yes the rest of the page is my 8 yrs in biglaw + 2 yrs in govt.
Grad school version
Similar question – when you’ve worked for a year and are now going to grad school do you take off college stuff? What about high school stuff that’s more relevant to my grad school area of study than some of the stuff in the middle?
Pompom
Eh, I am firmly in the camp that high school *anything* should be nowhere on your resume. The only–and rare–exceptionwoukd be if you went to a super fancy impressive high school, yiu may consider including your participation in its alumni association and that is it. If there something super interesting from HS that relates to your grad work then mention it verbally, not in writing. It can show a sort of young or immature judgment to include high school on your resume at this stage in your career.
Pompom
Goodness, sorry about all the typos! Yikes!
Anon
I agree. I don’t think high school has any place on most resumes.
Thisperson1
Travel request: Savannah. Making a quick stop through… anything we should do while there for the afternoon with 4 adults and a toddler? We’ll also have an afternoon in the Parris Island, SC area. Any recommendations? Thanks!
mascot
Savannah’s historic downtown is fairly compact, easily walkable, and beautiful. You could get lunch and then spend some time walking around. River street and City Market are big tourist draws; Broughton street has decent shopping. Forsyth Park has a fantastic playground and lots of green space to stretch little legs. Also, the Train Museum and Children’s Museum are well-done and small enough to cover in a couple of hours.
anony
Just walking around the historic district of Savannah and taking in the sights is probably enough for an afternoon– it is such a pretty city! I also enjoyed visiting Wormsloe Plantation while I was there for a weekend.
Anon
Hunting Island State Park is a gorgeous place to spend an afternoon near Parris Island.
http://www.huntingisland.com/
Anon
Beaufort is a nice town too
Anonymous
My daughter, who is 14 years old, needs a dress for her upcoming 8th grade promotion ceremony. She is very slim, at 5’3″ and 75 pounds. Given her age and dimensions, many of the kids clothing stores carry dresses that skew too young for her, and in addition, many of the size 14 kids dresses are too large around the middle and fit her like a tent. I took her shopping this weekend and we hit some of the adult clothing stores to see if we could find something in petite size 0 or 00 that would work. Unfortunately, size 0 is still a bit too large. Size 00 was closer to fitting (and hard to find), but were still a bit too large in the chest. Any recommendations for stores that might carry small sizes but that are age appropriate? I don’t wear petites so I am not sure what the best options are. Thanks!
Kk
J Crew has 000 and 00 petite- something like this would be pretty and age approrpiate: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_special_sizes/petite/dresses/petite-oneshoulder-ruffle-dress-in-faille/G4549
Anonymous
Maybe try Chinese fast fashion? Like the random off-brands that are sold on Amazon with prime shipping. They’re usually Chinese sizes and the smalls are extremely small.
Anonymous
You can also try sites that specifically import fast fashion Asian brands, like YesStyle.
RR
Have you tried juniors? Maybe the smallest sizes of juniors would work. My older daughter is similar, but still only 9. She lives in Gap slim fit pants, which are still a little baggy around the waist/butt, but that doesn’t really help for dresses.
Cornellian
try xtrapetite’s blog.
JuniorMinion
H&M or ordering from ASOS. I’m a UK 12 / US 8 at Asos and a UK 14 / US 10 at H&M and wear a 4/6 in Gap / Old Navy / Macy’s. Both are cut very narrow and usually for someone without much of a chest. Asos goes down to what they call a US 2 (which would really be a small 00 at a place like old navy / gap) and H&M sizes go down even lower.
Anonymous
Try Boden and mini-boden. Both list garment measurements, which could help a lot.
Anonymous
Most on trend styles are very flowing and airy. Exposed shoulders and billowy sleeves are popular with 14 and her friends. Take into consideration, I do live in the SE, where the promotion ceremony dress code veers toward dressy casual.
anony
I have a cousin who is that age and a bit smaller than your daughter. She still wears a lot of clothes from Justice. I admit I have never been to that store and know almost nothing about middle school fashion, but I just saw my cousin over the weekend and she was decked out in Justice.
Alexisfaye
Buy something close that she likes and have it tailored! Save yourself soooooooo much time.
Anon
You’ll have more luck finding 00 online than in stores. I typically shop at Loft for a true 00 size. Other places that claim they do 00 are still too big. Also, maybe try the 00 petite instead of regular. They run shorter, but also slimmer in my experience.
Canadian store Aritzia also has tiny sizes in XXS. My experience is that they are truly tiny/slim but length is still regular and not short/petite.
Bonnie
Bloomingdales seems to have a good selection of non frilly dresses. http://m.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/aqua-girls-crisscross-cutout-neck-skater-dress-big-kid-100-exclusive?ID=2622906&CategoryID=1006166
SA
My 14 year old just got a cute XS dress at Hollister for her Confirmation. It wouldn’t have been my first choice of places to shop but the dress fit both of our expectations.
Fort Lauderdale spa
Will be in Fort Lauderdale for a meeting later this week and am looking for a spa recommendation. I’ve been told the W is nicer than the Westin where I’m staying, but would like a few more recommendations if possible. Generally looking for soaking tub, sauna, massage, and that kind of thing rather than skin care stuff. Thanks!
Investment advice
Quick gut check here. We contribute to our retirement accounts but now that my student loans are paid off, I’m ready to start investing in some Vanguard Index Funds as recommended by Mister Money Mustache. I’ve set up the transfer for the opening deposit ($3k) and once it arrives, I just have to buy the funds.
I just got nervous though because people have been talking lately about how “up” the market is and you are supposed to buy low sell high and all that. I also know that it is very bad advice to try to time the market. The goal is to just make regular investments over time and it will all balance out. However, Vanguard requires the initial contribution to be $3,000. Is now a dumb time to start an investment account like that if I haven’t already been regularly investing?
Anonymous
You have to start somewhere. There’s no bad time to start.
Anonymous
+1 – the chance that you are doing well to start contributing asap > the chance that you lose your hat. As you are no doubt aware, trying to time the market is a fool’s errand. That said, you could look at index funds other than Vanguard and see if they require the same start-up investment. I think most low-fee index funds should be similar, but I don’t really know my stuff here.
lucy stone
The best time to start investing is yesterday! Stick that money in there and don’t waste any more of your valuable time figuring out which day is best to invest. Also, congratulations on getting rid of those loans!!!!
Pompom
Think about it this way: would you advise a new or young employee to *not* contribute to their regular old retirement account because “the market is high”? If that sounds preposterous to you and you’re saying to yourself “of course I would never say that ! start saving now for retirement!” then I think you have your answer.
Anonymous
I have done this for a lot of my career (and then stopped – and am now about to re start having the same feeling as you of – should I wait a few months). But ultimately I view my taxable account just like my retirement account. My work 401k buys every 2 weeks no matter what the market price is. So I’ve set up my taxable account the same way — it buys automatically on a schedule so that I’m not able to second guess market valuations. Obviously I only do this with money that I don’t expect to use in the next 2-3 yrs, bc yes there is a solid change that we are close to a bear market — though it’s anyone’s guess if that means tomorrow or 6 months from now or even 18 months from now.
And if it helps you — the last leg of a bull market historically is ALWAYS the most profitable – often 50% or so gains in the last yr or so; so yes you want to invest now if you think a fall is coming in the medium term.
Liz
Not dumb. You’re going to leave that money there for effectively forever, so it doesn’t matter what the market does in the short term. Good job taking care of your future!
Anonymous
Not dumb.
I’ve gone through your worst case scenario twice: invested a large sum, lost ~10-20% in the first 6 months and was kicking myself for it.
Never fear, the market rose again and so have my fortunes.
My wish for you is patience. Remember to stay the course!
Family Divorce Fallout
My sister has been divorced for a few years. She has stayed in the same city as exBIL (they have several children) but there is no family there. She doesn’t work and is obsessed with each of my exBIL’s new GFs, how he has wronged her, how she wanted a different life, etc. She has alienated just about everyone in her life since she just wants to rant on about exBIL (and wants the hearer to participate with the mudthrowing and judgment). It’s a big burden on my mother (who must always drop everything to hear about the outrage du jour) and aunts. She tries this on me when I’m working (and her first choices don’t pick up) but I won’t have it, as it’s unprofessional and it would make me have to take work home and stay up late to catch up.
Any advice about how to have any continuing relationship with my sister? I feel like we need to have a minimal one at least and she is the gatekeeper to my nieces and nephews. My sister is in a bad place, but she’s a nasty person (berates my mother on the phone) and half of what she complains of with exBIL (who is no angel) is over fights she picks. I want to hang in there so that my nieces and nephews will know me (and my children, their only cousins), but UGH I am dreading an upcoming visit (it’s been over a year).
At least once the nieces and nephews are adults for most of their lives and at some point we may have our own relationship. But unlike my sister, I have zero interest in bad-mouthing their father and refuse to participate in discussions about him/his GFs if they or my children are present (which infuriates my sister).
Can I just stab out my eardrums?
Torin
No advice, just commiseration. My relationship with my sister is terrible, and she cuts off access to my niece any time she decides someone has crossed her. And then in the most recent case refuses to restore that access despite having extracted everything she demanded.
Sometimes people are just not reasonable people, and there’s not really anything you can do about it.
Aunt Jamesina
“I’m sorry, that sounds like something you should speak about with a therapist. You’re allowing your ex to ruin your present”. Repeat ad nauseam, and refuse to discuss.
I have an aunt who is probably your sister in 30 years, and my poor grandmother has been the too-kind sounding board for far too long. It sucks.
Jax
If you’re not afraid to be confrontational, you can try telling her exactly how hanging on to this bitterness is ruining her relationships with everyone in her life. You’ll have to throw in a lot of, “Because I love you…” and, “I don’t want you to be this unhappy…”
There is something safe and freeing in being the Victim. The Victim can cry, rage, hate, and not move on for a very long time, and the people in her life will put up with it because “She’s been through a lot. It’s understandable.” Also, people love to get sucked into the drama of it. There will always be someone to listen and tell you how right you are, even if it’s just other victims on an internet message board.
Someone once told me that I had two choices: I could relish my victim status, be the crying Oprah victim, and let that one tragedy define my life and everything about me–or, I could chose to stop dwelling on it, learn to forgive, and more forward as a healed and happy person. I wanted to punch that guy in the face at the time, but it clicked a switch for me. I knew he was right, and I wanted to be so much more than the victim!
Maybe your sister could use some harsh truth, spoken from a place of love and concern.
Anonymous
Inspired by the resume question above, when (if at all) do you transition to a resume that is more than 1 page long? I’m a 5th year big law associate starting to look into in-house positions. I’m in a transactional practice. I currently have about the top 1/3 dedicated to my law firm experience, about 1/3 dedicated to pre-law firm experience (law school internships and work before law school), and the bottom 1/3 dedicated to my education. I know some people have deal sheets that they send along with their resumes, but I’m not sure whether that will be relevant to the jobs I’m looking for. Any advice?
Torin
At this point I wouldn’t think your work before law school would continue to be relevant for most jobs you’d be applying for. If that’s what’s making it go over a page, drop it.
Anonymous
Thanks, OP here. I guess a related question is should I be fleshing out my post-law school experience at all? I feel like it’s hard to use more than 1/3 page describing it, unless I get into examples of deals I’ve worked on, similar to what’s on my law-firm bio, but that doesn’t seem right for a resume either.
Torin
My firm experience was litigation, not transactional, but I described specific cases I litigated on my resume. I would assume deal attorneys do the same thing.
cbackson
I’m 9 years into practice and I still have a one-page resume. I job-searched at your level of seniority and I used a one-page resume and a separate deal sheet. You can tweak the deal sheet to include different experience based on the job you’re looking for (highlighting client advisory work instead of deal work, for example). From what I see in hiring, one-page resumes are still the norm for most law jobs, and I especially wouldn’t expect a mid-level to have a resume that was more than a page. I’d jettison pre-law-firm work to stay on one page, with the caveat that if it’s relevant to what you’re applying for, you should keep it – in that case, limit something else.
The other option is to mention pre-law-firm work in your cover letter if it’s germane.
Anonymous
Thanks! This is the reality check I was looking for. My husband (a non-lawyer) was reviewing my resume and said he’s starting to see a lot of multiple-page resumes for people he’s interviewing (also non-lawyers) of my tenure, so wanted to check in to make sure I’m not off the mark.
nutella
2/3 for school and law school stuff is probably too much. Unless you are applying to say a hospital’s legal department and before law school you worked in healthcare, you need to devote far more to what you’ve done as a lawyer and how it is related. (I’m in-house and moved over from biglaw as a 4th year.)
Anonymous
There is no trove of sample lawyer resumes out there anywhere, is there? I was sent a couple by a recruiter I was working with when contemplating a lateral move, but that was at a different level of tenure so not very relevant. I thought about engaging with a headhunter for purposes of having them help me out with my resume, but I’m not looking to lateral and don’t want to lead them on dishonestly.
Pompom
See if your law school has any! Mine has been helpful as an alum, and they can dig up some great examples if you ask.
Anonymous
Duh, why didn’t I think of this?! Thanks!
Ace
I’ve heard the rule of thumb that you can expand onto a second page after 10 years of experience.
I’m currently ~12 years of experience and my resume is approximately:
2/3 p current firm
1/2 p old firm
2 lines relevant during law school internship
1/6 page education
1/6 page court admissions
Betty White
We’re thinking of taking a trip to Maine in August. Any recommendations for cute towns to visit and/or things to do? Will be traveling with an 18 month old by then. Hoping we’re not hopelessly late for VRBO/Airbnb rentals.
Thanks!
Clementine
Go to Ogunquit. Stay by the beach. Enjoy yourselves.
Betty White
Thank you!
Betty
August is prime tourist season in Maine, so I would book quickly. For toddler friendly things to do: the Old Port in Portland is fun to walk around. There is a wonderful toy store on Exchange Street and many places to get ice cream. The Narrow Guage railroad is right outside of the Old Port and fun for toddlers. For hot days, there is a very toddler friendly wading pool in Deering Oaks park. It is slightly hidden so follow the pond/water or ask anyone with a stroller. Kennebunk is a cute town. If you are headed further north, let me know and I can give more recommendations.
RR
Bar Harbor. We went for a week and stayed in Bar Harbor and Kennebunkport, with a day trip in Portland. I could have just lived in Bar Harbor for a week. We also spent about a half day in Bangor, which was cute. Portland is a great little city and worth a trip. Fantastic children’s museum. I did not love Kennebunkport at all. We did Acadia for a couple days, some time around Bar Harbor, the children’s museum in Portland, a cute little amusement/water park near Portland, the beach in Kennebunkport. It was one of my favorite vacations ever. My twins were 4, and they had a blast.
Anon
Ditto this! We did a week in Bar Harbor with a young preschooler and baby, and it was perfect. It’s a very cute town with just enough to do – explore the coast, walk round town, go on boat rides, etc. We also loved Acadia National Park, which is a short drive from Bar Harbor. You can’t do that much hiking with a toddler, of course, but you can drive through the park and stop along the way to explore the lookout points, do some easy little “hikes,” etc. I’d highly recommend Bar Harbor with little kids.
Resignation email?
Has anyone sent out a “resignation email” when leaving a company? Thinking of doing that because I’ve worked with a lot of people I don’t see on a regular basis and don’t want to just drop off the face of the earth.
What did you say? What’s the subject line? When did you send it?
Anonymous
I’ve done one and seen them. Generally subject line is something like “Thanks and goodbye”
Then just say you’re leaving the company to pursue other opportunities, have enjoyed working there and look forward to crossing paths in the future. Then provide a personal email contact if you want. Sent on the last day or day before, early enough so that you can see responses if you want.
Anonymous
Assume you mean an internal e-mail (rather than an email to clients)? People typically do this in my law firm, unless they are leaving under not so great circumstances. Subject line is “Farewell!”, “Farewell and Thank you”, “Goodbye and Keep in Touch”, or something similar. People usually say they are grateful for all they’ve learned and the great colleagues, and include their personal and/or new employer contact info. Typically they send it right before they leave, like an hour before they leave the building.
Anonymous
If you have outlook, I believe you can direct replies to a different email address, so you see everyone’s responses even after you leave.
Anon
There’s no need to wait that long. You could do it the day before and that would be fine. That way people have some time to send you their good luck wishes before you leave.
Lily Barthes
I got fired from a job I loved about a year ago for unambiguously illegal and misogynist reasons. They paid me not to sue them. I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. I posted here a little about that at the time. Currently working part time, not in the industry.
Some advice requested now:
I’m trying to re enter the industry because I love it and am objectively good at it but the company that fired me is very powerful in my area. In endeavoring not to badmouth them I think I am giving strength to the lies they are telling about me? (Someone lateral to me who was part of getting me fired has literally been telling professional contacts that I was performing gardening favors in exchange for business. This is a very male dominated industry and so there is an inclination to believe awful things about women. I am devastated but unsurprised to find out he is saying things like this). Does anyone have advice or a script on how to graciously talk about leaving a job when the fact is that you were fired egregiously? I’ve mostly just declined to discuss it wh I fear makes it look like I have something to hide/ there is truth to their claims? I am so unconfident in my story around this that I am avoiding situations where people would be likely to ask me what happened. Essentially this means I have fallen out of touch with a great deal of my professional network. I tried to start a small business subcontracting out part of what I did at my old job and failed to get enough work because fears re telling the story wrong kept me from pitching as frequently/ effectively as I should have.
I am presently one year into a three year training program related to this industry (though in another state) and am eyeing a scholarship specifically for women. There is also a mentorship component to this scholarship, which I am maybe more interested in than the money. (I had an extensive network of mentors prior to getting the job from wh I was fired. They all have relationships with that company and mostly are not allowed to talk to me now.) I didn’t even apply for the scholarship last year because I could not wrap my mind about how to talk about not working at the company anymore without sounding bitter. I’ve been endeavoring not to say that the problem was them and their misogyny, bc there is a strong cultural prohibition against “snitching” in this industry and also I fear that saying my professional relationships have suffered as a result makes me look like a weak candidate for this scholarship? In addition to feeling that it is optimally professional to be magnanimous and gracious in all situations. Maybe a scholarship essay for a program specifically designed for women in the industry is the place to be honest about this and find allies, though?
TLDR:
1- Anyone have advice or a script on how to talk graciously about exiting a job when the fact is that you were fired unethically despite verifiably excellent work?
2- Does it make sense to tell a more complete version of what happened (that my old employer hates women) in a scholarship essay for a scholarship specifically designed to help women in the industry?
...
Don’t say #1. You left that job because it wasn’t the right fit for you (then name a couple things that the company you’re interviewing with has that you are sure makes them the right fit for you). You are focused on talking YES to the interviewing company, not about how the other company was a no.
#2 makes you sound bitter. Do not talk about one specific company if you can avoid it (especially as it could mess with terms of your settlement). Say that, in your years in the field, you have experienced x, y, and z and then talk about how those are detrimental to women and how you have grown from the experience. Again, this is meant to focus on you and how you’re right for something, this is not an opportunity to badmouth someone else, no matter how much they deserve it.
Anon
You can’t decline to discuss it, because that would be a weird, out-of-the-norm thing to do and future employers would probably view it as a red flag. You also can’t go into the detail you are here, because even though it’s true, it’s also weird and out-of-the-norm.
I would definitely not go into extreme detail in a scholarship essay. That is so not the place for it. You can talk in general terms about the difficulties you’ve faced, but I guarantee you they are not looking to hear about how your boss did this or that.
I think you need to find a way to say this all in relatively general statements that follow social norms and also make it clear that you weren’t fired for something you did.
Lily Barthes
Thanks v much for these replies.
Just to clarify: When I’m declining to discuss it’s in social contexts with people who are in the industry or tangential to it, not in interviews.
Anon
Ahh, okay. That is totally different and I can understand that. It still might be good to have a vague, general explanation if they’re important people in your industry.
Lily Barthes
Yeah. I just am still so angry that I don’t trust myself to be vague and general? It’s always akward and frankly painful to have these conversations. So I guess the real question is how to be less angry?
Anon
Write to AskAManager and see if she can give you a script for talking about this, or some of the commenters on that site can. Then practice that script until it’s the first thing you think of when someone asks, and you can say it without emotion.
Write a variation of that script for your essay. You can talk in general terms (like “…” said above) about how you’ve experienced x,y,z and understand the difficulty it presents for women in the industry. Talk about how you’re so excited for this program, specifically because you’re looking to find allies to grow and evolve the industry that you love.
Alexisfaye
Sue him.
You may have been paid not to sue him for what happened at the job, you were NOT paid not to sue him for lying about you to your professional community. This is COMPLETELY unacceptable. The damage to your reputation is incalculable. It makes me mad, just thinking about it.
Wildkitten
I got a job (YAY) and am moving halfway across the country in a rental car. Any pro-tips for packing?
New Tampanian
Go to Home Depot and invest in the packing kits for dishes and glasses. Seriously. They are magical. Not a single thing of mine broke when I moved from the Northeast.
Lily Barthes
No advice re packing buy just joining in to say YAY
Anon
Congratulations!! Do we get to know anything about the job? I’m curious after following your story! (That doesn’t sound stalkery at all, Self.)
Organize/clean out everything before you pack it. Don’t move stuff you don’t want or don’t know why you have it. I moved a year ago and that junky pile of old bills and post-its with random phone numbers is still in a box in the back of my closet. Better to just not move it in the first place!
Pompom
Congrats!
Just did a big move myself, and my advice is simple. 1) Be RUTHLESS about paring down before you even begin to pack. 2) Amazon prime for moving supplies if you are in a city (DC, right?). Moving boxes, a roll of clean non-printed news print paper, two rolls of bubblewrap. 3) Buy way more tape than you think you could ever possibly need. And then buy a secret roll that you stash away for moving day. Read reviews on tape…the scotch brand moving tape I bought actually SUCKED despite being so highly rated and well-known. Some batches didn’t stick and I had to re-tape about 15 already-full boxes. Apparently me and everyone else had the same issue, and Amazon got on earful. Duck brand tape (not duct tape! ha! easy mistake!) saved the day.
GOOD LUCK!
Pompom
(sorry for Ellen-level caps lock…emphasis needed!)
January
Yay you!
...
If you live in a city with taskrabbit, hire someone to help… whether it’s having someone box the kitchen or clothes or whatever’s not fragile or just be a 2nd set of hands, it can be invaluable. Have a friend come help you decide what to keep vs. donate. Consider whether furniture is worth the cost of moving or if you can replace when you arrive. Double bag anything liquid (shampoo to cleaning supplies) or that can stain (like makeup), wrap and then bag anything glass (so it’s protected and so there aren’t shards throughout your box or car if something breaks).
Have a 2nd car key and keep it in your pocket at all times to prevent getting locked out if you lock your keys in your car. Figure out which cc is the best for points and use only that one when traveling. call them to tell them you’re traveling so they don’t think your card was stolen.
If you’re just using hotels to s#!t, shower, and sleep, go with cheap and as close to the road you’re taking as possible. Don’t waste money on nicer amenities you won’t use. Bring a cheap white noise machine if you are a light sleeper (the baby versions are $20 on @amazon, if not less), put all cc’s and ID info in your travel suitcase so nothing valuable is left in the car overnight when you stop, plan to only bring that suitcase in when you arrive at hotels. If your stomach can be tricky, pack your food or if you are used to eating some junk food, eat only a national fast food chain along the way as they are more likely to be clean and your body already knows the spices/preservatives/etc. inside.
If you can, make a plan for yourself to see at least a couple random things along the way to take time to enjoy the experience (a roadside overlook lets you take photos without getting you off schedule) or stop at something silly right off an exit.
Happy Travels!!
Meg March
Congrats!
Never too many shoes...
Way to go, WK!!! Hey, Shots Shots Shots…your presence here is needed stat!
Jo March
Yay!! go you!!
congrats Wildkitten!
Speaking of shots shots shots…most liquor stores or wholesale clubs will let you take boxes for free if you don’t want to pay for packing supplies. The ones that contained shipments of wine or other bottles tend to be very sturdy, clean, and come with cardboard dividers that you can adjust as needed for breakable items. Good luck!
Anonymous
My mom wants to do a family vacation in August. August is the last possible time we can do this vacation until next summer (it’s a summer-only destination and my husband and father are on academic calendars). But we’ve just started TTC and if we got pregnant last month (will find out in ~1 week) or get pregnant in June or July, it seems like there’s a good chance I’d be feeling pretty miserable by the time August rolls around. I don’t want to put my life on hold because I’m trying to get pregnant. But I also don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for a trip only to spend the whole time sleeping and throwing up, which, according to a few of my friends who have recently been pregnant, is pretty much all you do for the first trimester. If I book the trip, I would feel obligated to go unless I’m seriously ill (e.g., hospitalized or on bed rest or something like that) because my parents really want it to be a family trip. There’s no Zika there, so that’s not a concern. Advice? What would you do in my shoes?
PEN
I would go, absolutely. I will add that I have had HG with all of my pregnancies and am incredibly sick from the very beginning to the very end. And I would still go. If you get pregnant in July, then you will be due in March/April. My take is that being sick and pregnant is going to be a much better vacation then trying to plan something with a 2 month old next summer.
Betty White
I think you should definitely go. You’re borrowing trouble here. First off, you may not get pregnant right away, in which case how annoyed would you be that you ALSO passed up a great vacation? Second, if you do get pregnant, you’ll be happy about it and take the inconveniences with a grain of salt. Most women I know are tired and a little nauseous but I wouldn’t say that most are so exhausted and sick that they wouldn’t enjoy a vacation. I certainly would have loved it. Good luck!
Anonymous
Go. You aren’t pregnant. You might not have morning sickness. If you do, you’ll nap more.
H
+1
lucy stone
Plan on going. Not everyone is always super sick and super sleepy. I’ve had two first trimesters due to miscarriage, and neither were bad. I have pretty easy first trimesters – I took a lot of naps, but you do that on vacation anyway. I threw up once while pregnant. Maybe I’m a unicorn, but maybe you will be too.
October
Do it. If you get pregnant in July (or even later this month) chances are you still will be feeling good in August. For many women, morning sickness doesn’t start the second you get the pregnancy test, but rather a month+ in. And yes it stinks, but again, for most women, it is not so debilitating that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy a vacation. It may even help distract you from some symptoms.
Anonymous
+1 my thoughts exactly. Most women don’t get sick until at maybe 6 weeks in. Worst (best) case, you get pregnant in June and are miserable but still get to see your family. If you’re not in a race against time age-wise and are really concerned about feeling miserable (like, if the vacation involves major physical activity or something), you can always take a break from TTC for the month of June, but I probably wouldn’t bother. Life just can’t be planned so carefully, which becomes more and more true once you actually get pregnant and have kids :)
OP
Thanks all! I’ll go.
Another Anon
I’d go– you said you don’t want put your life on hold because you’re trying to get pregnant.
It may be the last opportunity to take a trip with your parents before motherhood. And who knows–you may feel just fine during 1st tri… everybody’s different.
SC
OP, it looks like you’re already planning to go, but I’ll add that I WAS the exhausted, super-sick pregnant woman, and I’d still go. At that point, I would have been better off on a planned vacation than trying to work through being sick. One caveat- don’t go if this vacation is something like camping where you’d be very active and uncomfortable by definition. Also, plan to have a real bed where you can sleep in or nap and a private bathroom where you can throw up immediately and in peace if necessary. Basically, don’t share a hotel room or sleep on a pull-out couch to save money.
Walnut
This sounds like a great opportunity to spring for a non-active beach vacation where falling asleep in a lounge chair is acceptable.
RR
I went to Disney with my twins while 10 weeks pregnant with my youngest. It was totally fine! Go!!