ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Crewneck Crepe Midi Dress

A woman wearing a black midi dress and black high boots

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m getting a slightly witchy vibe from this crewneck crepe dress from Club Monaco, but somehow, that feels like a compliment? The vertical darts give it a tailored look, but the slightly flared hem adds a little something special.

I would swap out the boots for heels and add a blazer for the office, but this would also work nicely for any holiday parties you have on your agenda. 

The dress is $278 — with 40% off at checkout — at Club Monaco and comes in sizes 00P-12.

A plus-size option is from Eloquii — it's on sale for $49 and is available in sizes 14-28.

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

369 Comments

  1. How do you practice gratitude and contentment for what you have versus comparing to others? To preface, I enjoy my home and am *very thankful* for it (I also WFH so am here a lot). However, there are some aesthetic things that would be nice to have but impossible to change (for example, standard 8 foot ceilings or the driveway is pretty steep, which is inconvenient at times during the winter and for large deliveries/projects that require a flat surface). I don’t watch HGTV anymore, which helps with the comparison game. I also recognize that every house has things that might appear perfect but there’s more to it in reality (for example, the utility costs for heating/cooling rooms with cathedral ceilings.)

    1. focus on what you love (location? perfect light?)
      change what you can (like look up design tricks for making rooms seem more airy and spacious)
      and… it’s ok to be annoyed by your driveway. it’s not a crime to have known frustrations with a house!

      1. Yeah I definitely wish my driveway weren’t so steep. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my house, or that I’m not grateful for my very fortunate life. I think you’re overthinking this.

    2. Focus on a new savings goal I care about more than house decor

      Volunteer 1/month at a soup kitchen

      Thank the items I do have for serving me (hokey but true)

      Host people more often – they see my space as comfortable and welcoming regardless of aesthetic

    3. There is no perfect house. Even when I daydream about multi million dollar homes there is no perfect house. Once the yard gets big enough it’s less walkable. Once the kitchen is too big it’s not open enough for the way i entertain. The best houses are the ones that beautifully reflect their owner. My eight foot ceiling home reflects me to some degree because of its modesty. It allows me to decorate in a clean minimalist style that suits my modern tastes and soothes me from the chaotic world. It smells like smoky vanilla and the matte whitewashed hardwood floors make the most wonderful sound on my kids’ bare feet. I prefer a paired down honest aesthetic to the often faux luxury of a two story suburban great room most of the time. My home is kind of like me, no great beauty but she dresses herself well, knows her unique style, and manages to turn heads.

      That said, I was in a gorgeous new home with ten foot ceilings this weekend and I truly admired it but was not jealous. Focus on making the home you’re in right now beautifully meet your needs and reframe the jealousy as admiration.

      2. I agree – this is lovely. I’m also curious about the smoky vanilla. Is it the result of a candle or a spray or what?? Because it sounds delicious and I’d like my house to smell like that too!

        1. It’s a candle called vanelle by diptyche. I’m probably spelling it incorrectly. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and it silly pricey but I adore it and I’d recommend giving it a sniff if you’re in the market for a fancy candle.

          2. Sure! Thank you also for your kind words. And you might also sniff their feu de bois for an even smokier vibe.

    4. My house is my no means perfect but I just genuinely don’t think about that’s wrong that I can’t fix? Like my brain certainly fixated on that weird paint transition or whatever, but then I fix the paint and I’m happy.

      I think I have this view because my house is a century home made by craftsmen and I think doing anything major to it would be disrespectful the their skill and the houses history. Plus my father is a carpenter so I have big feelings about being a steward to my homes woodwork. I guess now that I’ve written it all out I’m happy with my house because I don’t think I have dominion over it, and it’s an independent entity worthy of respect.

      Now if I had a sh*tty suburban thing from the 80s I’m not sure I could have this mindset

      1. Wow. My sh**tty suburban home is decorated for Christmas and full of happy memories and steps from great neighbors and I love it.

        1. +1 – (a) unfortunately, no matter how much you love old homes, there are not enough old homes to house everyone currently so new builds are simply required, (b) a 1980s suburban home at this point is actually pretty old, and (c) having owned both old and new homes, there are benefits and drawbacks to both. Everyone should do what works for them. What a silly thing to be smug about.

          1. To be clear I would totally live in an 80s home but I wouldn’t have any moral objections to knocking down a wall or making major structural changes because it wasn’t especially well crafted to begin with.

          2. I thought the poster wasn’t saying that every 80s home or every suburban home is bad. Rather that if they lived in a cookie cutter house which was also bad and didn’t have a lot of history they might be more keen on remodeling.

          3. I read it this way too. I had a beautiful century home and shared the sentiment of at least doing no harm. My 1960s cookie cutter home got a full renovation and I like that nothing priceless was lost even if we worked hard to honor its original spirit. I think she was just saying that reflecting on the craftsmanship is how she deals with the imperfections; not that people in 80s cookie cutters can’t find joy in their homes. And if she was well I loved both my original 1910 Victorian and my renovated 1960s farm ranch. Neither had dramatic ceilings or a fancy mud room.

      2. +1 that my old house feels like an entity of itself. While there are downsides of an old house, I’d rather deal with those downsides (small closets, not enough outlets) and have character and be able to feel the generations of love poured into the home.

      3. I have a sh*tty suburban home from the 80s that was gut-renovated and added onto in the 00s, so there’s nothing original to preserve. I definitely don’t think of my home as an entity worthy or respect.

        It has plenty of “problems” that are not easily fixable. The kitchen is too wide by a couple of feet but too narrow for an island (and we’ve already spent $20K on fixing what we could in the kitchen). The ceilings are low. There’s not much natural light in the living room. It’s on a busier and less attractive street than I’d like, and we’re close enough to the interstate to hear it sometimes. Our neighbors have yappy terriers that bark at us non-stop nearly every time we go outside. There are also some problems that are fixable, but we haven’t had time or money to address them yet.

        I try to stop comparing by focusing on what I do love about the house.
        – We can afford it. We are able to make the mortgage payments, have my husband be a SAHD, save for retirement, send our son with special needs to private school, and pay for his healthcare and therapy.
        – It’s in a very convenient location, and we can be almost anywhere in our city in 15 minutes. We’re close to our extended family family–10-15 minutes from 3 sets of grandparents and 2 of my husband’s step-siblings and their families.
        – We have an extra bedroom and bathroom compared to the similarly priced houses we were looking at, which makes it possible to host guests. We’ve deepened relationships with friends who have come to visit. My parents stayed with us for the holidays for years until they moved to our city. And recently, my FIL was able to stay with us for a few weeks while he recovered from an injury.
        – It has a beautiful sunroom. I love to read, journal, do yoga, and meditate in there. It’s great for a quick “date” with my husband or for after-dinner drinks and conversation with guests. And it has the perfect spot for our Christmas tree and Christmas morning gift-opening.
        – The backyard has a pergola covered in star jasmine, which blooms right around my birthday. We’ve had absolutely beautiful parties in our backyard.
        – I have a home office.

          1. Thanks. The sunroom is my favorite space in the house and is a large reason we bought it.

      4. I have an old craftsman that has always been a fixer upper. I see it with a critical eye a lot of the time, even though I know I love my house. When I’m trying to get ready to have people over, I see everything wrong with it and nothing good with it. But then people did come over this weekend and were charmed by it, and I got to see it again through their eyes (it really is a good Christmas house!) and that helps me newly re-appreciate it.

        I could make a long, long list of everything large and small that needs fixing or complete overhaul, but for now, I’m just being grateful for where it is right now.

    5. If it’s any consolation, my tall ceilinged Victorian living room, while lovely, is really hard to heat in the winter.

    6. Two things: When I see how women (I don’t if men do it as well?) obsess over getting every design and finish decision perfectly right, spending so much time and money agonizing over details …I feel grateful that my rental has freed me from all that labor and agony and decision-making. Because I love design and WOULD get just as wrapped up in it as they do. And it truly doesn’t matter all that much. I am free to turn my creativity to other things, and simply accept the oak cabinets for what they are: a perfectly fine place to store my mugs.

      When I get really discontent with my rented, not high-end, 1-bedroom apartment, I call to mind all the news stories I’ve seen from around the world, and recognize that I am living in a luxury space that so many people would give anything to have. For many, the mere fact that it is safe and warm, in a secure neighborhood where my biggest annoyance is the construction site next door — that would be sheer heaven. But also to have all this space for only one person? And heat/AC/lights/water/internet that ALWAYS work? And all this comfortable furniture, and a soft, warm, bed? And candles, art, books, music, cushions, colors…?? A closet full of new clothes, fridge full of fresh food? I live in sheer luxury.

      1. Me too! Lived in 2-bedroom, one bathroom, rented apartments for the past 35 years. Yes, I stress about having no equity, but all of these homes have hosted many people and sheltered my family. Millions of people would love to live in such comparative safety and luxury.

      2. I agree with your overall sentiment.

        FWIW, my husband definitely gets obsessed with certain things about our house. He does 98% of our cooking, so the problems in the kitchen bother him more. He also does the majority of the home renovations, and he gets so obsessed by the details that it takes him forever. I have to reframe it that he cares about quality, and when it’s eventually done (years from now), it will look great. In the meantime, we still host parties in our not-quite-finished house (as in, we have baseboards with the old paint color and missing quarter round), and our guests love his food enough to overlook the trim.

      3. Allllll of this but especially your last paragraph. I am grateful for a warm, safe home. I pass unhoused folks every day on my commute, including several people who have severe physical disabilities. My (rented) home in a lovely, expensive neighborhood is around the corner from several churches and other spots frequented by unhoused people. A quick dose of reality is a great cure for the strife of not having a kitchen like the ones I pine for on insta or pinterest. And honestly, even the fact that I still don’t own.

    7. Such a great question. We moved ~8 years ago and downsized from 3600 sqft to 2600 sqft (family of five). The previous, bigger house needed a lot of work to feel like “us” and was just too large — we have three kids and spent all of our time picking up those huge spaces. I love having people over and NEVER had friends for dinner or the like. Fast forward: we’re in a smaller (but still good-sized) home with lower ceilings and more divided up/smaller rooms. It’s a 1960’s colonial and we’ve done some pretty significant renovations…but it’s still a 1960’s colonial — so the kitchen layout is kind of wonky and it’s never going to be an airy modern farmhouse type of deal. That said, we have people over ALL THE TIME, my kids love hosting their friends, and I’ve learned I’m never happier than when there’s a pile of shoes by the door. So when I get into that wishful thinking mode about our house, I remind myself that people want to be here! And that is AWESOME. Our house is cozy (friends say this all the time) and welcoming, and there’s always food and drink to be scrounged up. I try to focus on that stuff first.

    8. I think every home can be made beautiful, you just have to decorate it and clean it up. Similarly, I think every person has the potential to be beautiful too and same theory. Instead of focusing on what you don’t like, figure out what you do and execute that.

      1. the idea that by being grateful and generally satisfied with your life means you can’t complain or have desires really irks me. You can globally be satisified with your home and still feel like there are things you don’t love. similarly you can love your husband, your children, your parents, your job and also find any of them to be very annoying on any given day. I don’t think being mindfully grateful requires universal positivity at all times. think about the serenity prayer– what can you change and what can’t you and make a plan to change the things you can– if that involves saving money to do some specific work than that’s ok too…..,

        1. Where did I say that? I said decorate your house. That’s hardly just be grateful, it’s do something to make it work.

    9. I sometimes aggressively gratitude when I feel myself getting into a funk. Like when I feel myself getting down, I make myself write one thing every day that I like about my house/situation/kid. And I do this for a month.
      Also getting off social media and stop following influencer/blogger types.

    10. As someone who lives in a house what’s not all of the ceilings are even 8’, I tell myself that it gives a cozy cottage vibe. But honestly, you can always move -maybe not today, maybe when you retire. Nothing is forever.

    11. Back in the day, there wasn’t the expectation that every house was going to be straight out of HGTV (because there was no HGTV). I’m 66 and it’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve lived in a house with no “bad: rooms. And the narrow driveway still bugs me but I’m just so darned happy to be here that I feel like it’s a price of admission I’m happy to pay.

      Anyway, “comparison is the thief of joy” is a cliche for a reason.

    12. I love my house but there are definitely projects that I want to tackle over time like redoing my bathroom and kitchen. Maybe plan and save for those things you can fix one day? There are probably aesthetic things you can easily change like new paint if that would help. But of course my cottage isn’t going to become a large modern house so if that’s the kind of issue you have, I think it’s more an issue of reframing what’s possible versus comparing to others.

    13. You might benefit from looking into what it would actually take to “solve” these problems – look at houses in your acceptable neighborhood/price range to see if there are options that have a flat driveway and high ceilings. If there aren’t, can you afford more or would you be willing to move elsewhere? If there are, could you move to those homes, or do they have other features that cancel out the higher ceilings and flatter driveway? Basically just putting it in very concrete terms, realizing that there is no magic wand to wave to flatten your lot, but you could potentially solve your specific issues – discovering that, on balance, you wouldn’t want to make the tradeoffs required to do so may help you let go of your envy.

    14. This is a great conversation. Currently dealing with some very annoying aspects of city living (sharing walls, parking) and I’m trying to focus on why I love our row home. Proximity to a fabulous coffee shop and yoga studio, walkable to restaurants, bars, and the library and post office. Our bright living room also brings me so much joy. We invested in professional painting when we first moved in and I love being surrounded by gorgeous colors I picked out myself.

    15. I’m struggling with eight foot ceilings too. It feels like a literal weight off my shoulders when I step into a space with higher ceilings! I try to spend more time outdoors.

    16. Every house is a compromise. We have a teeny yard, but it let’s us live within walking distance of downtown. We have a ranch, but it’s what we could afford that is close to work. And as we age, the single level will be great. I keep a list of what I would like to do to spruce up the house and when we have the budget make in-budget changes.

      1. I also have a ranch house. My FIL recently stayed with us for several weeks while he recovered from an injury. He has a beautiful, old, 2-story, 6-bedroom, 3.5-bath home. The 1st floor has 0 bedrooms and the half bath. He and his wife have been looking for over a year for a house with a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor, but they hadn’t found a perfect house yet when he got injured. (Spoiler alert, they won’t find a perfect house because there are no perfect houses.)

    17. I focus on what the house allows me to do. My current apartment has many (MANY) things to complain about. But we have a wonderful neighbor three doors down that watches our son for cheap, the apartment itself is very cheap and allows us to save for a down payment aggressively, and it has a FANTASTIC pantry. We’re walking distance to the library and the river as well. If I ever did want to repaint or something, the landlord would let me do it without complaint. Sometimes I do get annoyed with it and think about moving, but then I think about how annoying moving is and how nice my pantry is and I calm down.

  2. Has anyone gone to the trouble of having sheets custom made? I’ve realized one of the many reasons I love my one set of percale Matouk sheets so much is their sizing – their king flat is 6″ wider than standard, and also 2″ longer. Making the bed is a dream and it looks so good when made. I’d save up and splurge on a second set except that in winter I love flannel sheets and they don’t make them. Went down a rabbit hole on google and it appears my only option would be to have flannel sheets custom made if I want to replicate the size. Had never heard of this and while this is a total first world problem, it makes all the difference in how neat the bed looks when made and is a small thing that brings me joy. Weird question I know, but any experience with having sheets made?

    1. Do you have a local seamstress or sewing club? My mother sews for fun and tableclothes/flat sheets/pillow cases are what she learned on – you basically need to cut carefully but then it’s all very simple sewing to put together. I would also imagine that a local curtain place might have a name for you.

      1. Agree with finding someone local to make them for you from a fabric of your chosing, OR buy the ‘too big’ set and have them altered. I’m sure you’d pay out the tail for an online service offering “custom sheets” for a project that’s really incredibly simple.

    2. I have never had sheets made however I would if it brought me joy! A perfectly made bed definitely sets the tone of the room.

    3. Sewing sheets is super easy but sourcing extra wide fabric is not. Don’t be surprised if your local seamstresses turn down this job because of that.

      2. Came here to say this. Your average seamstress is not going to be able to find fabric wider than 60” to sew sheets from (and I think 45” width would be more common for cotton flannel) so you’re looking at mid-sheet seams.

      3. Any quilter will be able to source fabric that is wide enough. Google for flannel quilt backing and you will find several options of 108″ wide flannel fabric. You may want to order a swatch to ensure it has the feel/colors you are looking for, since flannel has several thicknesses.
        Wash on hot a couple times before sewing it up, since it is likely to shrink a few inches.

    4. I’m a sewist, in this case I’d recommend finding a brand that does separates and buy a king fitted sheet and a California King flat sheet.

      Sheets use special extra wide fabric that’s more expensive and harder to find, plus the labour will not be insignificant. I would not suggest getting this custom made when you can get something similar retail.

    5. OP here – thank you all so much! These are really helpful suggestions – I’m on it! thanks again. Made my day.

    6. Maybe save the trouble and look for “deep mattress” or “deep pocket” sheets?

    7. I have not, but I have bought oversized flat sheets and secured them under the bed instead of using a fitted sheet. I wonder if cal king flannel sheets and hospital corners would do the trick or not probably?

  3. How did you know you were ready to be a parent? I am 29, husband is 30. We have been married 5 years and together for 10 and he’s definitely “my person” and best friend. We are financially stable, own a home outright and have space for kids, and are in generally good health. However, we are both split 50/50 on kids. It’s not a hard yes OR a hard no for either of us and therefore we keep deferring… but of course there is a biological clock.
    Why do we feel so ambivalent about wanting kids? Most people I know either really want them or don’t. I haven’t spoken to anyone else who is as ambivalent as we are.

    1. Honestly? When morning sickness made it obvious it was happening whether we were fully decided or not.

      We both kind of wanted kids going in to our relationship, although neither of us were overwhelmingly driven by the desire to be parents the way some of our friends seem to be. We both love our (now-adult) daughter more than I can describe, but having her made us realize we weren’t the type to want a whole bunch of kids so she is our one and only.

    2. I’ve seen the ambivalents love their child and absolutely regret it. Personally I’m of the mind that it’s better to not t have a child than have a regret child.

      The vast majority of posters here are parents and are going to encourage you to take the leap, you won’t get an unbiased view.

      1. I am a parent and firmly believe that no one should have a child unless they feel a deep yearning to do so. It’s part of why we only have one kid. I never felt the drive to have a second.

        2. +1 I’m coming in late, and I haven’t read through all the comments below, but I am so glad to see this viewpoint from a parent: deep yearning or don’t do it. We married young (early twenties) and were whatever about kids/neither had a deep yearning or aversion and never did it, and never regretted it.

      2. On the contrary, I have two kids and talk with them often about how children are great but you should NOT have kids unless you are prepared and ready for it. Kids are hard! They’re expensive, require a bunch of your time and energy, and innocent children don’t deserve bad/indifferent parents!

        1. +1. DH and I pushed off having kids for a long time and were somewhat on the fence. Mainly because we really liked our lives and were afraid of blowing it up for the unknown, plus we had no illusions that having kids would be all sunshine and rainbows. Anyway, we ended up having two kids, whom we love dearly and cannot imagine our lives without. I do not regret taking this path at all, but I would never push anyone to make that leap unless they’re really, really sure. It’s wonderful, but parenthood is difficult, especially if you’re a conscientious person who wants to do it well, and changes your life in every way possible.

        2. Love that you’re talking about this. I would add, too, that plenty of people are equipped to handle the hard job of having and raising kids—they have the money, the emotional tools, the time and the energy—and just don’t want to be parents.

    3. I’m not sure where you live and what the culture about having kids is there, but I’m in the NE and you’re young by the area’s standards to have kids. I know there’s advantages and disadvantages for having kids at all ages and stages, but if you’re not 100% sure either way why not table it for a few years?

      I’m 30 and I know I want kids in the future, but also I’m so not ready now. Could that be part of your hesitation?

      2. Funny how this is so regional. I’m 35 and considering a 3rd but part of my hesitation is being too old (husband is early 40s). All my friends had two to four kids by 35 and are done. My 3rd would be the youngest in our pretty big friend group by like 4 to 5 years. My husband and I were also totally ambivalent about having kids. We went along with the peer pressure because all our friends were doing it. And now my only regret is that I wish I had started younger than 28! I didn’t really take advantage of the married pre-kid years anyway since I was busy being a biglaw associate.

    4. I was married, financially stable, and I felt settled in a way that I hadn’t until then. I think that safe and settled feeling was what opened me up to the idea of trying for a child a bit earlier (had my first at 29 and second at 33). I was surprised by how much it went from ‘let’s talk about trying’ to OMG I want a child NOW.
      I think it’s a good idea to talk about why you’re on the fence – are there things you still want to do? Are you reluctant to give up your free time? Are you uncertain about the balance of labor in your home? Those conversations would likely help illuminate some of the underlying issues.

    5. My husband and I were like this. We met young (college), married in grad school, and both had the general expectation that we’d want kids later, in our early 30s. Then our early 30s arrived and neither of us got baby fever. We tried anyway, didn’t conceive, and opted not to pursue advanced fertility treatments, stopping after unsuccessful IUI, as we realized we were very happy as-is and didn’t feel such a strong desire for kids that we wanted to go to the ends of the earth to pursue it. We’re now in our mid-40s and content with the choice.

      Will admit Mother’s Day is still kind of weird as I’m both slightly annoyed at the number of people who assume I’m a mom, but I also feel like I didn’t try “hard enough” to deserve being annoyed, and I know our parents all wish they had grandchildren, but it’s not their life!

    6. There is no guarantee that you will have a perfect, healthy child. Be prepared for the chance that you might have a child with physical or mental issues.

      2. This is true about all the big things in life. You might have a healthy child and thet become disabled. You or your husband might become disabled. Maybe a disability that feels like it would be the end of the world now would turn out not to be; or maybe it would be much much worse then you anticipate. You might move for a job and then get laid off. You might marry someone who seems perfect and find out years later they cheated on you from the beginning. There’s no way to be fully alive and fully insulated from suffering.

      3. I could get killed in a plane crash flying to Paris or in an auto accident on my way home from a dinner with friends. If we lived in fear of the worst case scenario (not that a disability necessarily equals that). we would never do anything.

    7. You are young and have time, so why not table it for a year and see how you feel then?

    8. Practically speaking, you sound way ahead of most people who have children, so you can put aside those worries. That said, I had just turned 30 and my husband was slightly older and I suddenly realized that there was just something missing in our lives. We went to our family Christmas, where there were no small children. It was all adults our age and older. And I think we both just realized that we wanted another generation. And once we made that decision, it was visceral. I suddenly realized what people meant by hearing your biological clock ticking.

    9. Because it’s a giant change and not that much fun for a long time. I’d look at it differently. How do you ultimately want your life to look? Do you want to be a lot older than your kids? Do you want to have a long adult relationship with them? Do you want more than one? You’re actually the exact right age to start but most of your peers probably aren’t there. This is the point where you might break from the herd and that’s also scary. But take the long view and design your own life. You don’t sound ambivalent on the concept of kids, just on the timing. I’d much rather be a younger parent. Being an older one is usually by necessity not choice.

      1. Yes, but I don’t think there’s a huge difference in becoming a parent at 30 vs 32. If you want kids but you’re not ready just yet, that’s fine. Take a year or two and reevaluate then.

        1. Not for the first, but for the second or third, the longer you wait the older you are for one or more of your kids. I’m team if you know you want them eventually and you’re married to your person, get started. 30s are already on the old side.

          2. I agree. People are often surprised to find out that they want to space out their kids and not get pregnant 2.5 seconds after the first. Or fertility takes longer the second time around. If you get pregnant at 32, you aren’t having “kids” at 32; you’re having your first at 32 and your second at… 34? 35?

          3. Yeah, this is so regional. I literally don’t know anyone who had a child before 30 and people who had all their kids before 35 are considered younger moms.

          4. LOL my friend got pregnant at 29, had her kid at 30. She made it very clear that the pregnancy was not planned.

            She’d been married for about a year when they got pregnant and had been with her husband since sophomore year of college.

            Getting pregnant in your 20s in our area is so out of the norm they wanted to make it clear that this was not their plan.

          5. It’s biologically old if you want to have multiple kids. It’s also old if you want to be say in your 50s when your kids are in college instead of 60 and staring down tuition and retirement. I live in NYC and am very familiar with the idea that 30 is “insanely young” but that just isn’t actually true. Yes, most of my peers had kids closer to 40, but they also have giant age gaps with their kids, are struggling to relate as they age, younger kids are dealing with aging parent needs, etc. You cannot actually beat biology. When you have kids you also turn inward and away from your social group for a while, so break from the lack sooner and take the long view.

          7. But you don’t have to have a second or third. For someone who is somewhat ambivalent in the first place, one child might be a really good balance.

      2. Counterpoint, I’m so glad I waited until I was well into my 30s, and I know lots of “older moms” who are glad they waited too. Yes there can be fertility struggles but there are SO many advantages to becoming a parent at an older age (greater financial and career stability, more time to develop a strong marriage, getting to fully experience kid-free life and travel and being more ready to move on from that stage of life, having more time to develop an older woman’s give-no-f–ks attitude that will serve you well in parenthood). The women I know who’ve struggled the most with motherhood all had kids young-ish (pre-30 is young, in my mind, although I realize this varies by culture/region). I have never once wished I had my kids younger, and although I feel like I got lucky and had them at exactly the right time, if I were forced to choose to have them at a different time, I would rather have waited and had them even older rather than had them younger. I was 100% not ready to be a mom before 30 , and I did myself and my kids a huge favor by recognizing that.

        1. Agreed – and it’s not a guarantee you’ll struggle to get pregnant either. I didn’t despite everyone telling me it was basically a certainty I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant quickly.

          1. Yes, I got pregnant the first month trying at 34. It was a bit of a shock since everyone told me I was “old” and would have a hard time getting pregnant. I think increased discussion of and awareness of fertility issues is generally a good thing, but it’s important to remember it’s still a minority of people that have problems. Something like 80% of women become pregnant within 6 months of trying.

        2. But you can’t a/b test this. You’re glad you waited but you don’t know what your reality would be if you had kids sooner. It’s all perspective and perspective is biased towards your now.

          1. And you also are not yet on the other side of it. Late 20s/early 30s moms might struggle on the front side. Older moms may struggle on the back side.

          2. I don’t think that’s true. I mean, I haven’t lived the other experience, but I know I wasn’t emotionally ready to have kids in my 20s because I hadn’t had the time I wanted as an adult to do the kid-free stuff I wanted. I didn’t feel ready until 32, even though I’d been with my husband since college and we were homeowners with good jobs, etc. in our 20s. Having your life ready on paper doesn’t mean you’re actually ready to be a parent. It’s like how a guy can be a perfect boyfriend on paper but he’s not the right one for you. Marrying him would still be a mistake no matter how “good on paper” he is. If you don’t feel a strong pull to be a mom and you’re under 30, the upside to waiting is much larger than the downside.

      3. ” Being an older [parent] is usually by necessity not choice.”
        I think this is true if you’re talking about having kids at like 40+ (although my high school BFF just became a first time mom at 40 by choice!) But all my college and grad school friends and I chose to wait until our early-mid 30s to have kids and have no regrets. 29 is so young to me, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting a year or two at this age. Yes, she doesn’t have forever to decide, but your feelings on this matter can change a lot between 29 and 32.

        1. Did you have a partner at 29 or 30? I sure didn’t and that’s what I mean by not by choice. It takes many people a lot longer to find the person, get the job, become stable etc. If you’re there sooner than your peers, don’t put off the inevitable when there are a lot of actual downsides to being old parents.

          1. This, I’m 30 and single. While I don’t think I’d want a kid right now even if I was married, I also recognize that if I get to have kids I’ll be doing it at an older age than I’d prefer. And, I won’t have much time to enjoy being married before we have to start trying for kids.

          2. I knew what you meant, and yes I did have a partner. I met my husband at 20 and we got married at 25 and had our two kids at 33 and 36. Waiting until our 30s was absolutely the right decision for us. I needed my 20s and early 30s to focus on myself and my partner and I would have resented my kids if I’d had them young because I wasn’t ready (emotionally) to be a mom. I agree once you’re pushing 40 there are more age-related downsides – in addition to fertility issues, there’s the risk of health issues with the baby, aging parents, being near retirement when you finally become an empty nester, etc. But I don’t see having kids in your early-mid-30s as being old by any normal definition, and I’m a much better and happier mom because I had my 20s and a couple years in my 30s to focus on myself and my marriage.

            Plus it’s a risk/reward thing — having kids a year or two too soon has much bigger potential downsides than having kids a year or two “too late.”

    10. We were in the same boat as you and we just had our first and likely only kid. At some point we just decided to take the chance, even with some of the concerns we have based on our family health history and we’re trusting that we be able to make a good life with our son. We told each other that we could be happy either way, having kids or not, and ultimately decided to go for the option that we thought might make our lives richer.

      1. Oh, and I was 35 when he was born, just turned 36, and my husband was 37. We’ve been together 17 years.

      2. Agree with your last sentence. When we looked at the long-term trajectory of our lives, having kids felt right. I think it’s funny when people assume that having kids is the default option for married couples. It definitely wasn’t for us; a lot of thought and consideration went into the decision. We were 29 and 31 when our oldest was born. That felt good from a timing standpoint.

    11. DH and I got together when we were 19, married at 25 and our first was born when we were 35. We loved having real time together as adults and doing non-kid friendly things like backpacking trips and regular volunteering commitments. When we decided to take the plunge, we spent a year doing what we wanted before trying. I was ready to go at 33, but we didn’t start trying until 34 because he needed that extra time to get his head around the concept. All of this is meant to say that you still have time and when/if one of you is ready, that is when you stop deferring.

      1. “We loved having real time together as adults and doing non-kid friendly things like backpacking trips and regular volunteering commitments.”

        This is 100% us too! I’ll never understand the “earlier is always better” takes on parenthood. There are so many advantages to older parenthood (especially if older is defined as mid-30s, not 40+), and the biggest one for me was having all that time with my husband to pursue our separate and joint interests, so that when I finally had kids, I was ready to give myself over more completely to being a mom.

        That said, I think I’m just less sentimental about parenthood than some people? A mom I know was recently telling me she wished she’d had her kids younger so she’d have more time with them. She was actually crying about it. I’ve never once felt like that. I feel like I’ll have plenty of time with them? I love my kids to the moon and back, but I also really loved my childless 20s with my husband and I wouldn’t sacrifice those years for a few more years at the end of my life when my kids are in their 50s and I’m in my 80s or whatever. But clearly YMMV.

        1. Wait a few years and you’ll get it. If you had kids younger, you could enjoy time with them as adults, you get to know your grandkids, you don’t have tuition payments right as you’re retiring. Every one of my friends who had kids in their 20s and early 30s is enjoying a great life with now adult children. They also have money and time to travel on their own. My friends who put it off are hoping they maybe see their kids graduate from college and seeing them married feels like a pipe dream. They all wish they’d had the fortune to have had kids younger, but grad school and not having a partner yet didn’t make that possible. Talk to older people when making this decision, not your peers.

          1. I had my kids at 33 & 36 so unless I die unexpectedly early or they get married very late, I don’t think I’ll struggle to make it to their weddings… But even if I don’t live long enough to see them get married, that doesn’t change my feelings. I wasn’t ready to be a mom in my 20s and no amount of old people telling me that I should have kids young will change my feelings that it would have been miserable for me and my kids if I’d had them before I was ready. Believe it or not, kids know how enthusiastic their parents are about parenting.

            I think it’s moronic to plan your life around hypothetical future grandkids, since those are never guaranteed and I’d never want to be in the position of pressuring my kids to have them. But fwiw, I don’t think having kids at 35ish precludes a good childhood relationship with grandparents. My kids are tweens now and incredibly close to my parents who had me at 34 and are in their late 70s but are still sharp and reasonably active. It definitely gets dicier at 40+, as I said.

          2. Okay this seems quite off base unless by “old parents” you mean like 50s.

            My grandparents were unusually old parents when they had my parents (mom’s mom was 38 and her dad was 40, my dad’s mom was 40 and his dad was 39) – this was the early 1960s and having kids that old was truly unheard of. My parents had me in their early 30s and my brother in their mid 30s. My cousin was born when his parents were in their mid 40s.

            I had great, close relationships with the 3 grandparents who I knew. My dad’s mom died at 61 in a car accident – which can happen to anyone at anytime. And, even if she had had kids younger, she would barley have known her grandkids if she died at 61. My other grandparents died when I was 14, 22, and 23. They were active, involved in our lives, and interested in being hands on. Their health was by no means perfect – so its not like they were freaks of nature who were unnaturally healthy; my one grandfather had cancer 3x (melanoma and prostate cancer x2), my grandmother had had a massive heart attack, open heart surgery, a pacemaker, and a bypass. None of that impacted them from being great, hands on, grandparents who I was very close to and who got to watch me grow up.

            My cousin mentioned above (born when his mom was 41 and his dad was 43) is now in his mid 20s. His parents are alive and well in their mid to late 60s. They saw him graduate from college and graduate school. He lives with his girlfriend. Unless something unusual happens, by all accounts they’ll see him get married and have kids (if that’s his choice). Admittedly, my uncle is a bit of a health nut (nothing crazy, but he exercises 6x a week and eats well), but my aunt is the poster child for everything you shouldn’t do (extremely sedentary, poor diet, heavy social drinker) and she’s still doing well. My aunt was a SAHM and my uncle retired at 66 – it’s not like he worked into his elderly years to cover college or something.

            Saying having kids in your late 30s means you won’t see your kids reach adulthood is a really wild claim to make.

          3. Well, I married at 40. If my parents had waited until 40 to have me, they’d be 80 when that happened. That’s not the age I’d want to be when my kid meets their person. I’d rather know them as full adults and be a part of that part of their lives. My husband’s mother went into a nursing home at 80.

          4. But 33 and 40 are very different, especially when you’re talking about the cumulative effects of multiple generations. Ages 66 and 80 are worlds apart for most people. I don’t think anyone is recommending waiting until 40 by choice, just saying that at 29 the OP still has a few years to think about it and see if her feelings change in one direction or the other. I felt much more ready at 32 than 29 and from talking to friends it seems like that’s not unusual.

    12. Are you ambivalent, or would you be genuinely happy with either outcome?

      Difference is, if you are ambivalent, you might end up regretting having kids.

      There are some people who truly cannot be happy if they have kids or if they don’t have kids. They will simply never be at peace with the outcome they don’t want. Those are the people who regret having their kids or, if they want kids and struggle to conceive, spend five or six figures on fertility treatments and adoption fees. Or they hit their early 40s and profoundly regret not having kids.

      But is that you? Or would you both be genuinely happy with your lives with or without kids?

      Big difference.

    13. My advice of as a mother of two (one in HS, one in MS): round down if you are on the fence regarding having a kid or another kid. At this stage, I am so glad we did not go for the third I contemplated.

    14. If you want real honesty check out the regretful parents subreddit. It’s not socially acceptable to admit you regret your kids, but a lot of people do. TWO of my cousins do, and it certainly makes holidays fun. (One cousin is a CEO the other is a teacher so both are objectively well equipped for parenthood)

      1. I wouldn’t read that stuff. There is already so much crap out there about how having kids makes you miserable even though studies consistently show that most people never regret it. You’ll never get the time back that you spend reading other people’s horror stories.

    15. We were here too. Given the family I grew up in, I just did not understand people who are just like “I need to have children, it’s my dream” like I didn’t think they understood how sideways things could go. I envied their arrogance in a way. That being said, once I had my first at 33, I was a bit sad I waited so long because I loved her and enjoyed her so much yet was somewhat limited by my age in how many more I could have. My first is a challenge, I worry about her all day every day, she’s ND and straight up mean to most people, but man I love her with my whole heart, I just stared at her in awe last night for a few minutes (she’s 7 now).
      Start discussing your ambivalence more and see what you feel, not with peers, but older people with grown children.

    16. Do you have any family or friends with young kids? Or who are likely to have kids soon?

      Honestly, IME and from taking to friends, it gets a lot easier to picture having kids of your own once you spend some time around babies and toddlers. It gives you some idea of what to expect and make it less of an abstract thought.

      1. This – not only to know what to expect, but also I found it helpful because I felt like I was giving up less. By already having friends with kids, it felt more normal to make more gatherings kid-focused (afternoon at a brewery with a swing set and home by 6PM vs. dinner at 8pm followed by bar hopping til midnight).

        It’s also just fun to raise kids together with friends.

        1. I’m very grateful that I’m raising kids with my friends. Makes such a big difference in terms of support, understanding each other’s lifestyles, etc. Plus, seeing the friendships between our kids is amazing.

      2. Definitely. When you see your friends with their kids you might have a visceral reaction in either direction. Either you think you want it for yourself or it looks unappealing.

      3. I agree with this sentiment. When my friends started having kids, I realized it wasn’t all just a vale of tears, that you could put the kid in the stroller and go to a friend’s house or see if the baby was as big as the pasta bowl or enjoy the kid making mayhem at the friend’s wedding. Social media and pop journalism can lead you to believe that every decision has to be super-fraught when actually, the type of diaper you use will not influence whether they get into Hah-vaaad.

        Most of my high school years were spent babysitting so I got all the nitty-gritty of childcare without a huge personal connection to the kids. Then I worked upscale retail, which meant I saw a lot of kids and moms behaving badly. Getting some years away from that realm made me more interested in having my own kids.

    17. You’re pretty young. I’m in Texas and even down here, most people in our circle (large city) started having kids around 30. Which is where you are now, but that was most and started. A lot waited a bit. I would take a break and revisit.

    19. you have time — i’d start to think more seriously around 32. as you see your friends starting to have kids (or not) i feel like a lot of friendships fracture, are made or remade, and are sometimes put on pause… you’ll start to see how your social sphere is affected by kids and decide from there.

    20. I was totally ambivalent about having kids, and I love being a parent. My toddler is high energy and brings good vibes and curiosity to his every day life and mine. I also just am not bothered by the hard parts (not sleeping, the physical caretaking, being the primary parent) because it’s just fun.

      I was very ambivalent. I used to think the worst thing that happened if I delayed having kids was that I would need to do IVF. And then I got cancer at age 30, and couldn’t freeze embryos due to extenuating circumstances, and the chemo put me into early menopause. Then I learned that the worst thing that can happen is you might change your mind and not be able to have kids at all. IVF wasn’t even an option because my fertility was so poor, and egg donation and adoption are ethically complicated. I did ultimately have a child after many years, but I would really think about how you would feel about losing the option. If a doctor told you were physically unable to have kids, what would you do?

    21. You have like 5 years before you really have to worry re biological clock, if that’s the only thing driving your urgency to make this decision. If you’re not sure, just wait until you are.

      1. +1 at 29, I’d just wait a year or two and see if your feelings change. I think 33-34 is when you need to really start thinking about making a decision in the near term. Not that you can’t have children after 35, but fertility becomes more complicated and all the issues mentioned about being an older parent come into play more. 30-35 is sort of a sweet spot where you have the advantages of being an older parent without the disadvantages of being really old.

    22. There’s never going to be a perfect time. It’s always going to be massively disruptive. You start a family because you want to or because whoops, you’re starting a family. I’m just saying this because people seem to think there’s this ideal time : ok my career is all set, we have a house, we have savings, let’s have a baby. But it rarely works that way.

      1. My late mom always said that if people always waited until they were ready to have kids, nobody would ever have them.

    23. I was very on the fence for a while because I knew having a baby would be totally life changing. It is! But my husband and I decided to go for it when we talked through what we wanted our life to look like 10, 20 years out – having older children/teens/adult children is what we wanted in life eventually. Having a baby is HARD but it’s a small part of your overall life as a parent.

    24. I was pretty ambivalent when I got married at 28 and for a couple of years after. I have literally never WANTED children, but I thought we could have them and it would be fine. Probably good. But as time passed, I never got to the point where I wanted children. Neither did my husband. And nothing about seeing women go through pregnancy and motherhood made me want to have children. I’m 51 now, married to the same man, we never had children, and we’ve never regretted it. In fact, I’m affirmatively glad that I did not have children, and so is my husband.

      Do I think we’d have been pretty good parents if we’d had children? Yes. Do I think I “don’t understand” the joy that having children brings. Absolutely. Am I OK with not understanding or benefiting from that joy? 100 percent. My life has lots of other joy.

      Bottom line: I never really wanted kids, went through a phase where I would have been OK with them but we weren’t interested enough to stop using birth control, and over 20 years later, am happy I never had them.

    25. Tabling a decision like this for a year or two seems reasonable to me. While people love to talk biological clocks, the difference between 29 and say, 31, isn’t a big one especially if you are in reasonably good health. FWIW, I felt like a child bride in the doctor’s office with my first kid (fancy part of town) and the oldest mom in creation with the second kid (different doctor in a less-affluent part of town).

      Personally, I love my kids and I’m glad it worked out that I had kids, but I can imagine a life where I didn’t have kids and it would be a happy life too. I was always in the “ambivalent to no” camp until I loved into the “why the heck not” camp. By contrast, my (male) spouse had wanted his own kids for as long as he could remember.

    26. You can always do an initial fertility analysis now for you (and your husband!!) to rule out any underlying issues if you decide you want to wait and see. If something pops up indicating it may take you longer to have a child, at least you’ll have that information at 29/30, rather than 35/36.

      FWIW, my husband and I got married at 29, waited until 31 to start trying in earnest, had a couple early losses, and are now due with our first who will arrive when we’re 33. The losses were tough and I would have been perfectly happy with a baby at 31, but I don’t regret the extra time my husband and I had just for us.

    27. I was ambivalent but husband wanted kids. Fast forward 25y and I absolutely adore our kids. But we also got lucky, they’re neourotypical, smart, loving etc.

  4. Has anyone in private practice (or consulting, or similar) successfully taken a sabbatical? I am one of the posters struggling with my parent’s terminal diagnosis. I want to spend time while I have it. Nothing else feels as important. But this would be very unusual for my workplace- people don’t take 4+days off in a row unless they physically had a baby. I would rather delegate everything than stay halfway on top of things. I am not eligible for any leave programs (partners are non-employee owners). I think practically speaking, I could log in for <1 hour/day to review conflict checks, triage anything that absolutely needs my input, guide associates or other partners. We don’t have an exact date, of course, I’m thinking I take 3-4 weeks off during the less busy season (January) and then maybe sporadic as needed for as long as we have. But I don’t want to start the year with all my clients running elsewhere either! Advice?

    1. No advice, just commiseration. I also have a terminally ill parent. Whether it happens four months from now, or a year from now, is not predictable. If you have the vacation time, I like the idea of taking long-ish stretches completely off, followed by time in the office.

      1. I’m really sorry. This time is rough.

        My firm doesn’t have vacation or any time off policy – as partners, we are fully responsible and “free” to set our own schedule. But realistically, everyone works 8-5 ish (9-6, 11-9, you get it) every day, leaves a little early every couple Fridays, and works a half day on the weekend. So it’s less “vaca/leave time available” and more “brute force” …which I’m not sure if it will work.

    2. If you’re a partner, make it happen. Check your partnership agreement but they probably can’t kick you out easily so you don’t need the protection of something like FMLA. Just take the time and arrange coverage on your matters beforehand. As your client, I’m not going to dump you over something like this. It will make me respect you more.

      1. this. don’t have regrets if you could have had the time with your parent. i’d agree that a client will understand, especially since it sounds like you’d still be around/managing/checking for client fires and delegating as need be.

    3. I am an equity partner and had this over the past 18 months. I have my own clients, so that makes me a bit different, math-wise. I have had many weeks of 0s and some at 100%. Mostly I was .5 PTE and everyone was OK with that at work and among clients. Ideal? Hardly. But no one else really does what I do but that also let me lean out as far as I could and wanted to. If I could have taken a LOA I would have.

  5. What brands carry the nicest, least-itchy wool? I’ve not been able to tolerate it in the past even with layer underneath but I’d like to try it again. Has anyone gone from not able to wear wool to being ok with certain brands?

    1. Sensitivity only increases. It never decreases. You might have luck with cashmere plus an underlayer.

      1. I’d say a merino nylon plans plus an underplayed. Cashmere itches. I can do a cashmere and silk blend scarf though.

        1. +1 to cashmere being worse than merino. I’m really sensitive to the design of the collar and wrists, since that’s what’s rubs when you have an under layer. Make sure those aren’t too tight or knit in a scratchy way.

    2. What have you tried that doesn’t work? If you haven’t already ruled out any and all wool-acrylic blends, don’t even bother with those in the future.

      JCrew has wintry sweater styles that are thick cotton, which might be a good approach?

      I used to but no longer tolerate Brooks Brothers merino. Vince cashmere is my current favorite. JCrew merino (thin, like the Tippi kind) is also nice, even though their blends are atrocious for me!

    3. I haven’t but I’ve also switched over to cotton sweaters. I have to baby them less and I find them cozy. More of a shoulder season solution, but it works for me. For warmth, I use fleece and down layers.

    4. I’ve given up. Anything with wool makes me uncomfortable over the course of the day, even with something underneath. I’ve switched to cotton sweaters and blends. I accept that some of my sweaters are lesser quality than merino or cashmere, and I’m OK with that tradeoff.

    5. Generally, less fuzz and halo means the fabric has less potential for causing you to itch because it has fewer individual fiber ends poking out to irritate your skin.

      My Gap fine gauge merino & nylon ones are my least itchy wool sweaters.

      Cashmere is super soft but even high quality cashmere can also come across as itchy because that cloud-like halo comprises individual fibers that stick out and poke you. Poor quality cashmere is spun from shorter, second-cuts of the fiber. All those additional cut ends are more prickly than fewer cut ends in higher quality cashmere.

    7. I prefer to wear merino wool instead of cashmere…don’t know why, as cashmere has the reputation of being softer. Many people put a layer under the sweater, but I am ok with the sweater next to my skin. Generally, more $$$ = better quality, but only up to a point. Some base layer companies, like minus 33 and woolx, have worked at making wool soft, as they know people are wearing the garment next to their skin. There is nothing as warm as wool…I run cold, and I wear wool every day. See if you can find one that agrees with you.

  6. Potentially niche, but does anyone have any insight in being in the US Public Health Service commissioned corps?

    2. I work with a number of people in the Corps. They are on staff at my agency (a smaller agency under the HHS umbrella) and most of them have also been staffed at big name agencies NIH, CDC, FDA, etc. They have been deployed recently for hurricanes to get mobile pharmacies and health care triage centers up and running with FEMA, and of course they were widely deployed during COVID – in manufacturing facilities, hospitals, pharmacies, morgues, etc. Most of the time they have federal jobs in the health care sector. I’d wait and see who the next HHS secretary is before thinking of joining right now.

    3. I’ve worked alongside the Commissioned Corps a few times. I know it’s really hard to get in as there are limited slots, but it seems like a great gig if you can get in. Full military benefits (including BAH so you make good money too!), but it seems like they still have good work-life balance (at least for people in the humanitarian aid field, which is quite the caveat). IME, they have more control over deployments and generally have shorter deployments than FEMA or NGOs – all while having great benefits and making more money.

  7. I’ve noticed that I have a pretty bad habit of disparaging myself in conversation. I’m pretty sure I know the root of this; I want to seem likable and humble. I’m terrified of seeming arrogant. That said, it’s something I’d like to stop doing and I’m pretty sure it’s not making me seem likable at all. Has anyone curtailed this with anything other than therapy? Any resources would be helpful. Thanks !

    1. I put myself down in conversations all the time and I think it makes me more likeable. ‘I made come cookies, I’m no Martha Stewart but I tried my best’. I certainly don’t agree with the social rule that makes it impolite to toot your own horn because I’m an awesome baker, but I follow the rules. Sometimes that’s the price of being likeable.

      1. If you’re an awesome baker but you say stuff like that, it does make me wonder what your deal is – false modesty feels like fishing for compliments. Only works if you’re an average baker.

        1. Not fishing for compliments, I’ve just seen other people snark when someone said ‘These are my signature chocolate chip cookies’ and I don’t want them snarking me.

          2. Someone actually said these are my “signature” chocolate chip cookies? I don’t know real people who talk like that.

    2. I don’t know if this is something you need to fix unless you are taking it really seriously. I often say with a chuckle “here’s my attempt at a fancy recipe” or something similar so people know that I’m not really beating myself up. It’s a very different vibe if you look upset and like you’re really beating yourself up or something.

    3. I mean you could just not pretend? I don’t, it’s obvious I’m good at things and I just say thanks. It’s hard to convey typing out but my friends know I’m not a humble person and we all joke about that. My take is being authentic is more endearing than being phony. As long as you’re kind about things, obviously.

      1. Right. Some people are very much this way and pull it off authentically. Just reading your comment makes me smile because I can tell you’re one of those people.

        FOR THE REST OF US, disparagement isn’t the answer, but authenticity can be–I’m not a great baker, so I’ll bring in cookies from Wegmans and say something like… cookies in the kitchen, I promise I didn’t bake them myself.

    4. Talking less.
      I’ve realized that I disparage myself when I feel like I need to fill conversational air, and sometimes I can just… not say anything, particularly when someone gives me a compliment. So I’m learning just to say, “Thank you for saying that.” and stopping there.

      1. +1. “Thank you” is a complete sentence and an appropriate response to a compliment.

        I also often think of it as “confidence of a mediocre white man” or whatever resonates with you – would someone else put themselves down in the sentence? If they wouldn’t why should you?

        1. Op here thanks and this is helpful. My self deprecation often goes beyond what others have mentioned above and I think it makes the other person feel awkward. It’s hard for me to take a compliment or to leave the impression that something I’ve accomplished or bought is nice. For example I have a son who is a talented athlete and when people mention it I feel the burning desire to tell them that I am terrible at sports. But really it’s less awkward if I say something like “thanks he’s having a lot of fun and he loves his teammates.” When someone says my home is beautiful I don’t have to tell them the basement is a mess. If they oh wow, you’re a lawyer I’ll feel the need to tell them it’s not big law and I really don’t make much money.

          I think maybe just shutting up or getting over myself a little , like reminding myself they weren’t that impressed in the first place, will help me to stop and we can talk about other things.

          1. If you have people pleasing tendencies, you could use them to get rid of this bad habit. It makes people uncomfortable! They are saying nice things to make you feel nice but you are not holding up your end of the bargain.
            This rationale helped me lean into taking a compliment (“wow, thank you so much, I appreciate it” cue warm fuzzy moment for all).

      2. I will say “Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say” and that seems a little longer than just “thank you” and seems to fill the conversational pause.

    5. If it helps: self-disparagement can make people seem unlikeable. Essentially, people who aren’t as good of bakers, high earning, slim, pretty, athletic, whatever as you are can really feel like crap.

      Just own it.

      If people around you are uncomfortable with it… I say this as someone from a very problematic background… that’s a reflection of who they are. Being around people who need you to put yourself down, or they will do it for you, is bad for your emotional well-being.

    6. so all the comments are about baking, but i tend to joke with family and friends about being easily distracted. “then something shiny came along and i got distracted, lolz” type of thing. i realized after years of this that my brother had actually taken that to heart, felt superior to me, and was a little misogynistic in general. made me feel bad, like i’d skewed his perspective of all women as flighty and easily distracted.

      anyway: talk less. smile more.

  8. Has anyone dealt with feeling “over-medicalized?” That’s how I feel. It seems like I’m always going to appointments for things that aren’t that important, like monitoring for some blood level that is always fine and is expected to continue to be fine or going to the dentist when there are never cavities. I’m not sure if my doctors are just trying to cover their liability or something, but it seems like I’m really recommended to get a lot of lab work and have a lot of visits to review that normal lab work and it’s taking significant time away from my family, especially when doctors usually run late. As an example, I had routine thyroid lab work early in pregnancy that revealed slightly abnormal levels that turned out to be transient (GTT diagnosis), and yet I’m still being told to get follow up labs every 6 to 8 weeks. While thyroid health is important during pregnancy and postpartum, the nature of my diagnosis, emphasis on transient, typically does not indicate further problems. How much do you push back on doctors in situations like this? Every lab trip takes at least an hour where I live and that’s not nothing.

    1. I feel this. Post cancer treatment, I now have a medical oncologist (see every 6 months now, it was more frequent at the start), saw the surgical oncologist annually for 3 years, cancer screens, need dentist-eye-gyn-derm checks annually because my treatment plan can mess with other things. I am now encouraged to go to the survivorship clinic because I no longer am followed by my surgeon. I was supposed to follow up with the radiation team for a while, but they said it was ok to skip so I did. Like…who has the time? I used to try to double up appointments but they’re so hard to schedule I have given. I feel like every 3 weeks I have to reminded I had cancer 4 years ago.
      And yes, grateful to be here and get good care, also can be over it.

    2. It probably horrifies people here, but I just don’t go to the doctor. I will if I ever get really sick, but I don’t see a lot of utility in checking on things that are fine either.

      1. Same. I just let myself be sick unless something gets very weird. Once one of my ears got so puffy it was twice its usual size. I did go to urgent care for that one.

        This probably isn’t a great long-term strategy, but I come from a long line of doctor avoidant people who live relatively long lives.

      2. I go once a year, but I also say no to recommendations for things that I view as low risk. My doctor can’t make me get a follow-up whatever. I am in charge of my health.

      3. yep – just because they tell you to come back, doesn’t mean you have to if you feel comfortable.

    3. I think thats because it’s like checking the oil on your car. The goal is to identify a problem early before your engine goes bust. The US healthcare system is designed around illness instead of prevention, which makes this perspective more pervasive. In my experience (cancer survivor so lots of this stuff), the best you can do for yourself is to try to make it easier—ask for labs nearest to you or choose those who have them onsite at the doctor’s office, seek telehealth whenever feasible, schedule early morning so you’re not losing so much of the work day to travel and schedules are likely to be truest. I also check myself—my care givers are trying to help me. Ascribing bad motives in the absence of any evidence does a huge disservice to them as professionals and ultimately my long-term wellness. Are there good doctors and bad? Sure, just like lawyers. But I save that energy for when something truly seems off. You can always go for a second opinion if you think they aren’t adhering to care standards for some reason.

      2. It’s not that I don’t think they’re adhering to care standards or that they have bad motives, but it’s more like a conservative approach has come to dominate everything. I’m not in medicine myself and I don’t always know when it’s safe to push back. Is the doctor ordering the 7th CBC in a year because it’s important or because it’s routine? When I have asked for more information, more often than not, I hear something like “I would recommend getting it” or “let’s check it again and see where we’re at” without specifics.

          1. THANK YOU. I work in medical malpractice defense. Do people think doctors are ordering tests for funsies?

      3. Also, the day will come when something unexpected occurs and it’s hard to get a last minute appointment as a new patient. That time I chipped a tooth and could score a same day appointment those six month checkups felt like a small price to pay.

    4. Have you told your doctors you find this cadence limits your ability to actual live your life and told them you want a less intense schedule (i.e., unless there is a medical reason for more frequent action, you prefer to just run these tests during your annual physical, not every six weeks)?

      1. I said this to my OB and she clucked sympathetically and then made her goodbyes. I should try again with some of the to the other docs.

        1. Have you looked for a second opinion on this schedule? If there is not a pressing reason, push back and schedule when it is convenient for you. Tell them unless they can provide more material justification for their recommendations, you are opting for a more realistic schedule and then hold firm with that decision.

          When I first started seeing my current dentist they tried getting me to come in every 2 months to check for progression in my gum recession. I do have gum recession but it has not changed in two decades and does not give me any issues. I declined the suggested schedule and just go in for cleanings twice per year. It’s been 6 years and there has still been no change.

        2. Do you mean she said her goodbyes as in she stopped seeing you as a patient or that she did agree to see you less often?

          2. @11:58 lol, sorry that seems obvious now. I guess I was concerned that you could offend your provider by requesting fewer visits or asking them to explain the need — of course you should advocate for yourself though.

    5. It’s hard to tell from your examples. Like the point of twice yearly dentist appointments is to keep your teeth in great shape so you don’t end up with cavities or to fill them when they are small so you don’t need a root canal or something.

      Bloodwork every 6-8 weeks during pregnancy seems pretty standard. Longer term I’d probably want to know if it was necessary but that’s like 6 times over the pregnancy which doesn’t seem unreasonable to monitor for problems.

      “Are there other options?” is a useful question with any medical professional

        1. Did you have a condition where it was recommended though? OP is having a thyroid issue monitored. I had a low iron issue monitored. Pregnancy can do wonky things to the body so extra monitoring can be relatively common. Bloodwork every 6-8 weeks in a pregnancy is like 6 times, so doesn’t seem worth it to explore alternatives. Bloodwork every 6-8 weeks ongoing without pregnancy would be worth a discussion about alternatives on timing or monitoring methods.

      2. To give another example, I take a medication for a well-controlled chronic condition and the doctor recommends drawing labs prior to each monthly dose to check that the dose is getting us where we want me to be. Every single time, the levels are normal and I never have symptoms suggesting otherwise. To me, it seems like the dose is indeed correct and we can monitor less frequently unless I go through life changes. To the doctor, we should be monitoring monthly to have the record.

        1. So what is the risk of the labs coming back abnormal, why it would be important to catch a change early, what symptoms would you notice if the levels changed and it wasn’t caught by lab work , and what would happen long-term if the levels were abnormal and went unnoticed/untreated?

    6. Yes, but … I would separate the doctor and the dentist. The teeth cleanings you undergo at the dentist are *why* you don’t have cavities. If you stop going for a few years, you will accumulate tartar and plaque.

      1. Maybe I am unreasonably lucky but… I haven’t been to the dentist in 8+ years and I don’t have cavities. I have insurance now and should probably get on that, but it doesn’t feel urgent

        1. Not everyone really gets cavities (you may not have the bacteria that causes cavities in your mouth; some people are more resistant or simply never got infected). My mom doesn’t get plaque. My husband has never had a cavity and skips cleanings a lot, but when I dragged him for x-rays in they did find that he’d cracked a tooth without realizing it!

        2. If you haven’t been to a dentist in 8 years, how do you know you don’t have cavities?

          1. +1 An ex-boyfriend kept telling me he hadn’t been in 7 years and had no cavities. On his first visit back to the dentist, he needed something like two root canals and five fillings. He just couldn’t see the holes so he assumed there weren’t any.

    7. I think of every eight weeks as pretty standard for an unstable thyroid condition just based on the physiology of thyroid hormones. I’d also expect them to check postpartum to make sure it really was transient. However my lab is five minutes away! I can see asking if there’s an alternative like monitoring heart rate instead and only getting the lab done if it’s above some threshold. But maybe they’d scoff at that idea.

      I don’t think it’s just a bunch of CYA though. It’s preventive care. My insurance company simply does not cover more frequent labs or dental cleanings than is evidence based and recommended.

    8. I have an excellent primary doc who helps tremendously with limiting my routine medical appointments. I’ve had success with first confirming with primary doc during my annual physical that they feel comfortable handling uncomplicated XYZ condition and then asking a specialist (once my condition is under control) if I can go back to my primary to handle XYZ condition and just go to the specialist if it gets complicated.

      The specialist is happy get to a routine patient who doesn’t really need their training in complicated conditions off their schedule and the primary is happy to manage something like routine refills/minor flares. But, I think the specialist is hesitant to dismiss someone who does need some follow-up care from their care because not everyone has a good primary care doc who can handle.

      To save time, I’ll handle the routine management during my annual physical. With my insurance and clinic, it’ll get billed as a preventive visit + regular visit, so I have to pay a copay, but it’s way better than having an extra clinic visit for something really quick and simple.

      1. same here. I think if she is thinking its too much her gut is telling her something. kind of like the OBGYN who has “saved so many lives,” but his c-section rates are sky-high, or the dentist who says everyone needs a root canal. they may not have bad motives, but are just are too risk adverse, or just bad at being doctors.

        1. I feel that the incentives and the risks are really different for procedures (procedures are money makers; most lab tests as opposed to e.g. biopsies are not).

    9. You know they can’t force you to go, right? The doctor police aren’t showing up at your door. You won’t get a bad grade on your report card. The “worst” they can do is write a note in your medical file that you acted “against medical advice” – and believe me, they will make it sound like they’re putting a nasty note in your permanent record to try to get you to comply.

      I once had an abnormal pap – first ever – and had a culpo per my doctor’s advice. It was a horribly painful, traumatizing experience. During, they said they didn’t see anything but would take a sample. Well, the sample came back inconclusive (it was too small; most of the sample got washed away by all the excessive bleeding). They wanted me to have another one done. I said no. They gave me the principal voice about my permanent record or whatever.

      Look, a culpo isn’t even routinely recommended for a first time abnormal pap in a woman over 30 who is not currently sxually active and has had the HPV vaccine, which was me at the time. I didn’t know that when I agreed to it but I sure as heck looked it up after the fact. That combined with the fact that they were up in my business and didn’t see anything abnormal made me comfortable waiting for next year’s pap before going through that experience again. Every year since then has always been normal. I’m glad I advocated for myself and spared myself another horrific experience.

  9. Help. My sister has been through a nasty divorce, and while it is now final, her ex is harassing her. Showing up at her house at inappropriate times, lingering for hours during kid pickups, etc. Sitting with her at kids’ sporting events and programs, even though she’s told him not to. She has told him numerous times to stop, that it’s not okay, and of course he always has some excuse that he’s doing it “for the kids.” When she calls him out on his inappropriate behavior, he uses the kids as a human shield. Then the kids ask her why she’s being “so mean” to dad. It’s awful, and my heart breaks for her. She does literally everything for those kids; he’s good-time daddy but has never done the real work of parenting.

    He tries to treat the former marital home as his own, and it’s effing creepy. No, you don’t get to leave stuff there or park your car there when you take the kids to school. He finally bought a house nearby … that he hasn’t yet moved into. 50/50 custody, unfortunately.

    Her mental health is hitting rock bottom, and I am very worried about her, as she has expressed some very concerning thoughts about her worth, and how she’s afraid that it’s going to be like this forever. She hasn’t outright said she’s having suicidal thoughts, but the way she’s expressing herself sure seems like it to me.

    I have told her to please, please pick a neutral location for kid pickups and dropoffs. She works nontraditional hours, so sometimes that is inconvenient for her and the kids, but that seems like one way to get him out of her space. We’ve told her that if he absolutely needs to drop off at the house, to please call and we’ll be there so she’s not there alone.

    I think she needs a protection order, but I’m not even sure how that works when you have to co-parent with the person, or how seriously those are taken since there has never been physical abuse. He is, without a doubt, emotionally abusive.

    Would love some thoughts and ideas on how to help her. Just getting the divorce finalized took more than a year and completely drained all her energy and fight, so the fact that this behavior has continued is causing her to spiral into depression (understandably).

    1. Talk to her lawyer but they share custody and nothing is threatening so I doubt she even get a protection order, and that would likely make things worse. I think she needs to tackle what she can – get a friend to go with her to games to ice him out and provide a buffer. Let the stuff at her place go, she can’t control that. Walk away if he lingers. Etc, she can’t control him but she can control how she engages.

        1. That’s my fear. He is so far inside her head, but there’s nothing really actionable. He is a terrible human being, but that is different than being a dangerous person.

    2. She needs to talk to her lawyer. Her lawyer likely has a very good toolkit to handle these situations and if not, she should find a better lawyer.

      She should also talk to a psychologist who can help her understand how deeply manipulative this behaviour is as well as give her some tools for maintaining boundaries. That might even feed into whatever her lawyer is doing.

    3. There’s a whole lot going on here, but the fact that she’s depressed to the point that you’re worried she’ll be suicidal is key. A depressed person is very unlikely to have the energy to take the basic, boundary-setting kinds of actions she needs to take. Can you get her into therapy and on medication, if needed?

      1. She has a therapist, although it’s been awhile since she’s visited him. I’ve convinced her to set up another appointment. She may or may not be on medication already. She has in the past, not sure about currently.

        The therapist saw them in couples counseling and was the only one (in a long string of counselors) that saw through his charming BS. Mostly, I know my ex-BIL is not controllable, but I just want her to have some hope that she can withstand his BS.

      2. Not sure what happened to my comment, so trying again. She does have a therapist, though it’s been awhile since she’s seen him. I’ve convinced her (I hope) to set up an appointment ASAP. She has taken medication in the past, not sure whether she’s on it currently.

        The stress and lack of energy is taking its toll. I am enraged that he’s still able to control her emotions this much. He’s a manipulative POS.

        1. I’m sure the toll is massive. But … depressed people are actually incapable of stepping up in the ways that SHE needs to in order to make changes. (You being enraged doesn’t give her the energy to act.) Stay on her about the therapy and find out about the meds ASAP. As much as you can, smooth the way by driving her places, helping her make appointments, etc.

    4. Been there. It is much better now (but it took a year or so). Here are some ideas that helped my specific situation. I would offer to go pick up the kids from his house and use an excuse that I was already running errands, or wanted to make it easier for him. That way, he was not at my home and I was more in control of the pick-up or drop-off situation. I had to work hard to manage my emotions, stay neutral and let the small things go (even as annoying as they were). My ex was all about picking a fight or wanted to see some kind of emotion from me. Honestly, the more I was able to pretend that many small things did not bother me – he stopped doing them as much. I now maintain a cordial, fake-polite situation with my ex. It is annoying I have to do so but I do it for my kids and my personal sanity.

    5. Move any kid pick ups to neutral non-contact situations whenever possible. Like one parents drops off at school and the other picks up.

      If this is not possible, move to a third party drop off. Like whatever exchange day is, you start having dinner or brunch together on that day so you’re the one dropping off or picking up.

      All communications in writing though a parenting app. Even if there are conversations – record the content. “Kids had fun at soccer practice. As I mentioned my sister will drop the kids off at x time on date for your parenting time”.

      Involve her friends who might be free to watch a kid’s soccer practice etc. You don’t need to share tons of details but involve some friends as well so it’s clear to him she has a village and it’s not just you/your DH who is keeping an eye on the situation. Basically avoid situations where she is alone with him.

      1. All good suggestions for her. How do you enforce the use of a parenting app, though?

        1. Sometimes the court will order it. She should talk to her lawyer. What he’s doing may not be enough for an actual order of protection, but it may be enough for a family court judge to enforce some guardrails.

        2. If it wasn’t required in their settlement, I would suggest to him that they start using it because ‘she heard it’s popular with other parents who have great co-parenting relationships’. Would just start keeping a record there anyway, like screen shots of messages outside the app.

        3. I assume you don’t pick up calls, you don’t respond to text, you don’t respond to emails

  10. What’s the going price in your community for picking up mail/ packages while you’re on vacation? HCOL city, neighbor child we dont know well will be collecting our mail for a week. What’s the norm? Trying to get a sense of what the appropriate range is. Thanks!

    1. We just ask a friend to do it, so no payment. We reciprocate for each other / figure that this is among the many things we do for each other and it all evens out in the end.

      That being said – you can hold your mail via USPS if you’re out of town.

      1. +1, I think I tried to buy my friend a drink for starting my car / bringing in a few packages for me when I was on a several week business trip. She looked at me like I was crazy the offer.

    2. For the literal neighbor child 10 feet away right next door, we give $50, it’s probably a lot considering it’s a 30 second job each day but I really trust kiddos parents and I like our neighborhood community.

      1. That’s similar to what I would do. I usually have a few duties tacked on like watering a couple of plants while we are gone.

    3. When we travel for a week or more we put our mail on hold at the post office, which is free, and when we travel for a few days we just let it accumulate. But yeah if a neighbor asked us to do this, I wouldn’t expect payment. For a kid, I’d probably give them a gift card to an ice cream shop or bookstore.

    5. I just hold our mail and don’t order anything through UPS etc. that will arrive while we’re away.

    6. this is just a regular neighbor favor in my world. like we have a group text for people who are running errands to ask the block to watch for UPS. It would seem weird to offer to pay. but if it’s different where you are, $25?

      1. I’m also laughing at the idea of packages and mail actually stopping when you’re away. In my major city, USPS has never effectively implemented a hold and UPS etc always have something random to deliver. Our teen helper also checks out the house to make sure no pipe burrs and takes the garbage in and out.

        2. Right? And someone else said $50! That’s bananas.

          I think this is just what neighbors should do for each other. If you insist on paying, either a gift card to an ice cream store or $10.

          1. Yeah, my kids I do this for our neighbors, and vice versa, and we usually “repay” each other by bringing home a treat or something small from the vacation destination. The only time I’ve paid is when a neighbor kid has taken care of all my outdoor flower pots while I’m away because I have a LOT and that is a job, not just a few minutes out of their day.

        3. Well first, I’m in a city so kid needs to cross town to get here, it’s not like she’s next door. Minimum wage is $20/hr here and it takes about an hour all in for her to do the task. I also believe in paying people what they’re worth and I’m not going to rip her off because she’s a teenager.

          2. lol, no! First, there aren’t many kids in my city to begin with and I wouldn’t trust a random kid to have keys to my house. It’s honestly just the cost of going on vacation, like boarding our dog.

          3. Why does the kid need a key to your house? Just keep all your stuff at their house and then you come pick it up when you’re done. You have NO neighbors?

          4. Lordy I am not having the kid take our packages home to her house on her bike. And no, there are no kids in our vicinity that I know of. There’s a lot of dogs, no kids. And I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask neighbors to do this. We live in San Francisco and that’s just not done in my neighborhood.

          5. This whole thing is ridiculous.

            Given all the things you’re insisting on, hire someone real from TaskRabbit or from a dog sitting company, and pay them their rate. That will “pay them what they’re worth.”

          6. You can just F right off with your comment. I can hire whoever I want with my money to handle things in my actual life.

          7. Obviously, you can do what you want with your money, and hire whomever you want. You’re the one who asked how much to pay, and then got testy when you got other suggestions.

            Do whatever you want. Pay whatever you want. Get your mail or lose your packages. Ideally, get over yourself, but that sounds like a bridge too far.

          8. No honey, I didn’t ask for your advice or opinion, I offered a data point in response to the OP and stupidly to follow up questions from people. I find it interesting to see how people handle things so I contributed to only get random unsolicited judgment from you. I didn’t ask a damn thing.

    8. Thanks, everyone! I appreciate the suggested workarounds, but we really do need to hire someone this time. We’ve had friends/neighbors do it previously, but none are around this time; having USPS hold our mail has only worked sporadically before; plus we always seem to receive packages from UPS/ FedEx that we didn’t order (it’s Xmas week!). I’ll take these varied answers to heart and figure out an equitable fee. Thanks!

    10. I pay $100 a week for somebody to come in a few times and scoop the cat box and bring in the mail.

      1. Yes once you add pet care you’re at $25 per visit minimum I think.

        In my experience, when you’re trying to cheap out and call it a favor or pay a kid $5 to do it, it becomes optional for them to show up, and that is a disaster.

  12. Looking for the latest and greatest. Taking four kids – oldest is 9, youngest is 3 – to Mexico City the week of New Years. We’re going to the pyramid, going to do xochimilco (but a short one), going to the children’s museum and on a food tour. Any other good recs? Places to eat with kids? Staying in Condesa off the parks. I’ve only been with DH so this will be a new adventure for us. Thanks!

    1. Chapultepec castle is fun. I’d normally recommend the anthropology museum but maybe not with a 3 year old.

    2. Kahlo museum and I’d do as much of the anthropology museum as they have feet for. You can also go check out the ruins of the original settlements under the city (entry is off the plaza with city hall and the big church).

  13. Early 30s, single my entire adult life. I hit a few milestones this year, and anticipate hitting a few big ones in the next year or two. Part of me is just so proud of all that I’ve been able to do solo – I’ve set up quite a nice life for myself. But, part of me is definitely sad that a) I’ve had to do it all myself – its freaking exhausting and b) I don’t have a partner to share this with. But, with a partner I think I’d be sad not knowing if my accomplishments were totally my doing?

    1. I feel this – I’m hoping to buy a condo next year. I work in government and I’m single and I’m 30, so this feels like a huge financial accomplishment, which I’m very proud of.

      That being said, it’s going to have to be a smaller and less desirable condo than I’d ideally be able to buy, because I’m doing it on one income (and holy cow the interest rates. and HOA fees for non-amenity buildings…).

      I also feel like I’d be in less of a rush to buy if I was partnered, but I have this like deep need to do something that feels very adult AND is seen as an “adult move” by others. The grad degree and great career and nice nest egg and nice life I’ve built doesn’t seem to cut it. Everyone around me is getting married and having babies and I’m still not even getting my own wedding invitations (being lumped on in the “and family” on ones addressed to my parents for family and family friend weddings), I feel like I need to do something to be seen as my own adult entity which means buying a place…

      1. The wedding invitations absolutely kill me. I haven’t lived at my parent’s house since I was 18. I’m 31 now. Heck, even if you don’t want to ask for my address, send me my own invite to my parent’s address. But I think it’s honestly so rude to include a full adult on their parents’ invitation.

        Also, it’s annoying logistically. My mom has ADHD, she probably will not remember to tell me I was included on the invite or share the relevant info with me in a timely manner. I have to then coordinate my RSVP and my meal choice back through her. This is too much back and forth.

        A few friends are in the same boat and we frequently discuss how much we hate not getting our own invites. It just screams “I don’t think you count as an adult yet” to me.

        If I had a spouse you’d have to send me my own invite because no one is sending something to “Mr. & Mrs. Smith & family & spouses”

        1. I’m over 30 and married, I’ve still had relatives send my wedding invite to my parents house even though I haven’t lived there in 15 years.

          2. One family invite to my parents house (I’m a homeowner too). The invites were addressed like Mr & Mrs, children and +1. Didn’t even name my husband even though they went to our wedding.

      2. I’m in a very similar place to you – and I have to say that buying a place really seemed to help. I think I’ll still be “and family” on invites but somehow owning property helped more than the career / grad school / nest egg. It’s infuriating.

        1. I strongly considered skipping a wedding over this. Idk why but it really, really bothers me. Especially when I watch my married younger brother get his own invite but I’m stuck on my parents!

          1. I feel that! I’ve been willing to go to some relatives weddings because they sent an invite specifically to me with my name on it. Made me feel like they in fact wanted me there.

    2. I mean, the entire point of having a partner for most people is sharing accomplishments. There is no prize given out for who does it the most on their own. There’s no competition to win. This seems like a thread worth exploring in therapy.

      1. As a long time single, I think a lot of us take pride in doing it ourselves as a consolation prize. Most people would of course rather have a partner to share life with, but we don’t. So yeah, we’re gonna amp ourselves up for doing it alone.

        This comment really stings – yeah I know there’s no prize for doing it all alone but I dont have a choice so please just let me have the satisfaction of having done it solo. It’s all I freaking have…

        1. By all means be proud of doing it solo because it is hard! But assuming that coupled people would feel sadness (per the OP’s last sentence) at shared effort is a really weird take.

          1. Here’s the thing – of my few married friends, their spouses are absolutely the breadwinners. So yeah, great they as a couple can buy a house but how much are they really contributing financially? For them its not a matter of “I could have bought something smaller on my own” but we together were able to buy something larger together. It’s more of living in a studio on my own vs. buying a 750k house with my partner.

          2. Being able to do it on my own is a sense of accomplishment that can never be taken from me.

            If your sense of accomplishment is due to a relationship, then a) that could always end and b) you’re only 50% of the partnership.

            If you graduated from grad school debt free because you paid your own way while working FT and doing school PT and then bought a house and did XYZ on your own, then that’s something that a) was 100% done by you and b) no matter what else happens down the road, you’ve done this and that won’t be taken from you.

          5. I don’t have a dog in this fight but I don’t even understand who 12:24 is responding to!

            I will just say that Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but she did it backwards and in high heels. Of course women should be proud of AND lauded for their accomplishments!

      2. I mean – it is more impressive to be able to afford certain things on one salary vs. two. Regardless of if its the man or woman doing it. I don’t see any reason to pooh-pooh this.

        1. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying being afraid of partnership because you don’t want to split credit for things is not exactly a healthy view of relationships.

          1. OP here – I am not afraid of partnerships. I would love to have someone to do this all with. But I don’t. So, this mindset is my way of coping.

        2. Right? My house buying plan was always “wait until I’m married and hope he makes more than I do”

      3. Maybe I’m just weird, but I don’t really consider either getting married or buying a house to be an accomplishment. Getting a grad degree is an accomplishment, having a successful career is an accomplishment, making contributions to your community is an accomplishment, sustaining a longterm happy marriage and other family and friend relationships is an accomplishment. Buying and consuming things is not an accomplishment, and it seems especially strange to take pride in doing it alone.

        1. Sure, buying and consuming things is not an accomplishment, but we all need somewhere to live – your comment makes it sound like buying a house is materialistic or over consumption.

          Buying a house is famously a massive financial undertaking – that’s the part that’s an accomplishment. Not everyone can afford that, it often takes a good bit of sacrifice to get to that point – that’s the accomplishment. Even more so if you’ve managed to afford it alone, hence the pride in doing it alone.

          Plus, owning a house provides opportunities that aren’t available in a rental that many people look forward to – I can’t wait to get away from the “landlord special” of bad paint jobs and halfa$s fixes.

    3. I’m stuck on this – I feel like I want to buy a place to “feel adult” because the other big adult milestones aren’t in the cards right now (or potentially ever). But also, with interest rates the way they are and inventory the way it is, I think it makes more sense for me to keep renting. But, renting feels like something I want to be done with.

      You don’t get to the point where you can consider buying something in a HCOL by age 30 as a single woman without being very careful with financial decisions, so it feels foolish to make a potentially poor financial decision to buy. But emotionally I want to take that step.

    4. As a long term single lady, I am very protective of my fellow singles (which is about half of my friends). To the point that I 100% give nicer housewarming / graduation / milestone gifts to my single friends than I do for weddings / showers for the partnered.

      Thrilled for you and your marriage, but marriage is not an accomplishment. Buying a house on your own absolutely is!

      1. Also if I gave someone else a wedding gift and went to their bachelorette/shower/wedding, I do logistically feel like I want to give bigger gifts to a friend I didn’t spend all that time/money on already.

      2. This came up recently in my group of friends and it was surprisingly touchy.

        A friend broke up with her BF of 10 years. As they split up stuff they’d bought together when they moved in together 4 years ago, she couldn’t afford to replace that stuff (1 month of paying 2 rents + fee for breaking the lease + 3 months deposit on new place left her strapped for cash), so we as a group got her a really really nice housewarming gift.

        Then we mentioned that we rotate hosting dinner for the single gals in the group on Sunday evenings – we each host once a month. The two married friends were aghast that we don’t include them in this (we hang out with them 2-3x a week) and we were like well obviously we’re not included in your date nights or weekend getaways with your husbands, you get to have that just for you and we get to have this just for us. And, I have to do every house chore myself, pay for everything myself, eat most dinners alone by myself… so yeah we formed a great community of single women to help share some of that burden (one less meal I have to cook alone and eat alone).

        1. This is cool, but what happens when one of the single ladies gets partnered up? She just gets kicked out of the group?

          1. No one has been in a long term / serious enough relationships to cross that bridge yet, but our married friends are very, very much part of our group. It’s just that the singles go a little further out of their way to help each other out – my married friend isn’t going to ask me to go with her to pick up a FB Marketplace purchase because she has her husband for that, but I’ll go do that with my single friend. My single friend is sick? Great I’ll drop off groceries or a home made meal, but I assume my partnered friend is getting that assistance from her partner.

            Sunday dinner isn’t about excluding the partnered, its about having that community of fellow singles who we help out

          2. I love your arrangement, @1:14!

            I’m the married with lots of long term single friends. I like to get out and do stuff with my women friends, and fortunately (not coincidentally) married a man who is more than cool with that. But I know too many married women who are joined at the hip with their husbands and won’t do anything without him. No one wants your husband to join a girlfriends cocktail hour, Janice.

    5. One thing I struggle with is that as a long-term single 30 something, I am really intentional in how I invest in my life and my relationships because I know there’s a good chance Mr. Right never comes along. I need to have a life I enjoy, with strong relationships and my own “village” and financial security for myself if I’m single forever.

      That takes a lot of time and effort on my part. Does that impact my ability to be dating and finding the right person? I make sure to always “show up” for my friends, and they do the same for me because we’re all we have. But, by showing up for my friends, is that taking away from time I could spend dating?

      I don’t know.

      1. Yes – I never know which cup to pour more into: friendships or romantic relationships.

        I know you don’t just wake up on day in a relationship, you need to put time and effort into dating, but you could do that for years and still be single. And, my friends will come help me move the body, but a guy I’m just starting to see isn’t going to do that.

    6. I think part of this is that there’s such a focus on marriage and kids that single women’s accomplishments are often overshadowed. Partly because of what’s valued, partly because it’s considered gauche to make a big deal out of financial goals (I recently hit 100k in retirement accounts which was thrilling, but it’s not polite to go announce that and celebrate), and partially because of how milestones are traditionally celebrated (not weird to have a 150 person wedding reception with $$ gifts, weird to have a 150 person housewarming; most housewarming gifts are token gifts).

      I’m accomplishing some great things but because they’re not the “right” ones, its not celebration-worthy by most.

      1. It’s such BS we can’t boast about our accomplishments. 100k is amazing, you’re awesome, go you! You deserve to be celebrated.

      2. Yes, marriage, babies, home ownership and to an extent graduation are much more visible accomplishments. Due to their visibility, they get a lot more hype. They’re not better than other accomplishments, but things like promotions, or a net worth or savings goal, paying off student loans, or living by yourself for the first time don’t get the visibility and thus the hype that other accomplishments get which is a bummer!

        but then to celebrate those things, you have to kind of force it and then it looks like you’re doing too much or trying too hard. I hope you have at least a few friends you can celebrate that with.

    7. In almost every hetero relationship I have any real insights into, the woman has accomplished a lot despite the man not because of him. I dont think there’s any doubt that a woman’s success comes from herself.

      1. Not to totally derail here – but I’m always surprised by these comments. I really only have two friends whose partners seem like a drag or man children – everyone else’s husband / long term boyfriend / partner is an actual partner. Not saying that everything’s perfect all of the time or there’s a total equal distribution of labor, but my friends and relatives aren’t being held back by their sh!tty partners.

        1. I’m the person you’re responding to – it’s not always manchild stuff, though that is certainly a big part of it. It’s usually harder to put your finger on. It’s the man who takes on too much at work, too many extracurriculars, and she’s left to take care of everything because he’s not around. It’s the woman always having standards for the home while the man has none and they both think that she’s just particular and things like cleaning and folding towels must fall to her. It’s the fact that she cares about things like hosting, and sending thank you cards, and giving presents to family including his, and a million things that go into making a house a home and maintaining relationships that he deems to be unimportant and she totally doesn’t have to do! therefore he has no obligation to bear some of that burden. It’s the assumption that things a woman wants are optional extras therefore they’re her responsibility.

        2. Really? I live in a major city and all my friends husband’s are lemons. The men are successful on paper and goodish looking but they are so selfish. That gym and work time is coming at the expense of being an equal partner. They all feign incompetence and weaponize being lazy, yet manage to put themselves first every single time.

          1. Sample size of 3 marriages where I feel close enough to make an observation.

            Marriage 1: They both work a lot, are HENRYs. My friend works in the Big 4 and travels a lot for work and her husband is a medical resident. Basically, they both work a ton. They outsource a bunch – they have a cleaning service, they live 1 block from Trader Joe’s and pretty much only eat the pre-made or frozen stuff. They rarely eat meals together and cook / grocery shop for themselves individually. They do their own laundry, shopping, and other chores or errands. They’re really good at prioritizing the limited time they have together, but when they’re both busy they’re very much doing their own thing.

            Marriage 2: She makes more (she’s an NP, he’s a teacher). He does all of the cooking and food shopping. They both clean, but they both have pretty lax standards on cleaning. Neither are doing things like the “nurturing” tasks – thank you notes or thoughtful gifts or fresh flowers on the table or whatever.

            Marriage 3: He cooks probably 75% of the time. She does more weekday cleaning and more life admin stuff, but every Sunday morning they both take an hour or so and clean.

            I’m sure things aren’t 100% equal, but its not like the husbands are lemons.

    8. I think you’re assuming that every partner you’d end up with would be able to contribute 50/50 on financial decisions or management of a home. All evidence on the home management front at least shows the direct opposite, so you still might feel exhausted even having a partner.

      I am a forever single in my 40s but I have not felt sad about my life relationships. Usually my discontent has been around not meeting the career goals I expected to meet. That is largely because I value my own achievements. But if I was upset about not meeting some arbitrary social milestone, I try to remember that I have one life. Those are all choices and my life would not necessarily have been better or worse had I made them (or make them in the future). My life just would have been different. It’s much better to make the life I’m currently living the best it can be.

    9. I’m around your age and recently engaged but you know what makes me the most proud? All the things I did myself, before him. Paying for school in cash and scholarships, rising through the ranks at my job, building savings.

      It is SO freaking exhausting, but feel proud that it was all YOU. You’re buying a condo all on your own! In this economy! When a couple tells me they’re buying a home, it’s very whatever to me. Half the time mommy and daddy are helping them anyway. Or paid for their school or wedding. So yeah. Be proud.

      1. Thank you!! I’m in government and so far I’ve made it work while making 24k a year in a VHCOL (working a second job too but managed to pay rent, loans, all living expenses…I lived very, very frugally), then I changed jobs and doubled my salary (50k), then I moved to a city I love (new job, still making 50k though), then I paid off undergrad loans, bought my first-ever car (used and cheap, but I paid for it in cash!), got a promotion/raise so I lived alone, then paid my way through grad school (and got through grad school while still working full time and managing all the “life” stuff), then I switched agencies and as of the 2025 COLA I will be making 6 figures in a MCOL, only 8 years after needing to work a second job just to make ends meet. I am “on track” for retirement, I have enough liquid savings and investments that condo ownership is on the horizon. And, people at work are usually surprised at how young I am compared to what I’ve accomplished and the work I produce.

        And, I’ve done it without sacrificing a personal life (too much – I do think that my job has at times gotten in the way of a romantic life which I don’t love): I have a lot of friends and great friendships, I have hobbies, I’ve run 4 half marathons.

        I sometimes hesitate to say I’ve done it all on my own, because I’ve been emotionally supported by family and friends, but financially this has been all on my own. And I’ve always had to do all of my own “adulting” the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, heck even the taking the trash out every. single. time.

        It’s taken a lot of sacrifices along the way – I love to travel but haven’t taken a trip for fun since pre-pandemic, my phone is a refurbished iPhone 11, my clothes are mostly thrifted, I outsource nothing, but d@mn it, I’ve done it.

    10. In a world where like 50% of marriages end in divorce, I think its odd that marriage is still treated like THE adult milestone.

      1. I don’t mind it being treated like a milestone because it is a milestone. But it’s not an accomplishment. It’s not in the same category is getting your masters or PhD or a huge promotion or anything along those lines.

        Any sentient being of adult age (or in some states not even of adult age) can get married. It doesn’t make you special.

  14. A friend recently confided that she’s hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Her life looks perfect on the outside. Fancy house, elite neighborhood, kids in all the expensive sports and in beautiful clothes… but she clearly can’t afford it.

    Sometimes I think… is debt even real? All these people in debt living what looks like fabulous lives, and does it even matter if they can’t afford it? At the end of the day, my friend lives in a fabulous house in a super high-end neighborhood. That part is real, whether or not there’s money in the bank.

    I have always saved, lived well below my means, and as a result I could probably retire tomorrow if I wanted to (but I don’t want to!). I feel cranky about this sometimes. Like… should I just be overspending my way into a lifestyle I can’t afford, because the lifestyle is still yours, whether or not you can afford it!? Does that make sense?

    I know these thoughts are irrational. But does anyone else ever feel this way?

    1. No, I cannot imagine the stress that would cause. It will all come crashing down at some point. There is zero part of me that would be envious of that situation.

    2. It becomes very real when you’re in bankruptcy or the house is foreclosed on and the cars repossessed.

      1. I worked with someone like this. She and her husband were originally from another country, but they moved here and really splashed out and had an amazing lifestyle. Sort of influencer-adjacent.

        They bought a house in a new development and then when they decided they didn’t like the layout of that house, they bought another house that had a bigger floorplan in the same development and didn’t sell the first one.

        One Monday she didn’t come into work and everybody was asking where she was. Then she wasn’t there on Tuesday either, and then she wasn’t there on Wednesday, etc.

        And we never saw her again. We found out that she and her husband had moved back to their home country in the middle of the night and left all their debts behind in the US.

        I initially thought she was some sort of heiress or something with all her designer bags and clothing (they turned out to be fake), the houses and all of that but it turns out it was just debt.

        Part of me thinks well good for you. You worked a system that allowed that to happen. Lenders should never have lent you enough money for two new houses for instance. I’m pretty sure they were interest only loans with a giant balloon payment looming anyway so why wouldn’t she just run away from all of that?

        And I’m the dumb one here because why would she keep coming to our stupid job doing insurance or whatever when she was so fabulously wealthy? She had to come to her job because that’s how she paid for her cell phone and groceries and things like that.

        I don’t think my former coworker was any different at all from all of the people you see on reality TV like the housewives or influencers or influencer wannabes on social media. they’re all in debt up to their eyeballs.

    3. I know what you mean. I don’t have debt myself but I sometimes wonder if it’s really that big a deal to carry a big balance. There was an article in NYT about people going into debt for Disney vacations. If they didn’t, they’d never take their kids to Disney and that’s something they want to do, and they have a great time while there. I’m not so sure that’s morally wrong. You could live your entirely life joylessly if you only do things you can afford to pay in full.

      1. I carry some debt and am resolving to be debt free in the next few years, minus the mortgage, but the Disney example resonates with me. I only went to Disney once as a child with my family and I still remember it very fondly. I have no idea if my parents put it on credit, but it’s a core memory all the same. That matters more than what’s paid in interest.

        1. Exactly – and it’s no good pretending that people just shouldn’t want to go to Disney. Many people really, really want to.

          1. And we can’t always do the things we want to do in life? I’m sorry, but I cannot justify going into debt to fund a vacation.

          2. Cool. Hopefully that isn’t the only way you can give your kids a meaningful experience. I refuse to judge other people who have to make different choices.

      2. What you do is pay yourself first for the disney trip. Save $100-200/mo for 2 years or what ever it is. Then you go. You have to pay for it sometime.

      3. I had a friend many years ago who did not pay her rent in January and February as she wanted to take her kids skiing. She said: “they will never remember that I paid the rent on time, but they will remember going skiing, and they will know how to ski. I’ll catch up in March and April.” This kind of shocked me, but I understand, and she was not wrong.

        1. That logic doesn’t make sense to me. Kids may not know if you pay the rent on time, but they’ll definitely know if you don’t and they get evicted from their house, which seems much more traumatic than not getting a ski trip. I guess if you really can catch up and follow through it’s ok. But the vast majority of people who say that wouldn’t be able to catch up, and would be facing eviction.

    5. There’s a middle ground here. If you’re saving every penny, splurge once in a while. Take a vacation, buy the thing. Just stay within your means and you’ll be fine.

      1. Yes, this. DH & I have never had credit card debt or car loans and we paid off our mortgage in our mid-30s. We have decent retirement savings but they’re certainly not where they could be if we lived very frugally. Maybe it would be more responsible to save more, but we like to travel and enjoy life. There’s a lot of middle ground between never taking a vacation and drowning in credit card debt.

    6. Yes, I feel this way occasionally too. Pure envy for the material goods but I know the situation would actually be insanely stressful for me.

    7. I’m starting to feel this way especially now that there’s class consciousness and a reckoning coming

    8. yup it’s irrational, but you are not alone. Reminds me of my mom once soapboxing how her home country is incentivizing reckless spending through their social welfare net. Like, my parents saved and lived below their means and were able to afford a modest house etc. But if they fell on hard times, they’d be forced to sell that asset before the govt provides assistance. Meanwhile, my bff’s family lives in a rental, spent all their money on a fun lifestyle, and if they needed assistance there would be no meaningful assets to sell off. That’s not to say that a social safety net isn’t important.
      Sometimes doing the grown-up thing feels not as fun as other options!

    9. I know what you mean, and sometimes, it feels like they afford it because our systems are not set up to reward frugality.

      The credit card companies lend them this money because they pay bucketloads of money in interest, and if it all comes crashing down, they have other people paying bucketloads of money in interest.

      Sometimes I think that a better world would have credit card interest rates be proportional to the amount borrowed. So you need to put $3,000 on a card because your car needed engine repairs – that’s a 10% rate. You have $150,000 in cc debt? That will be at 25%. You’re in over your head and agree to cut up the cards and not get anything new? Let’s knock that rate down a bit.

      But the companies don’t want to encourage sensible borrowing so….

    10. I think it’s that you’re only seeing a slice of what will be the best time. As it catches up, there will be things like a large expense with no funds to tap. Old age in poverty. Look at some of the NFLers or lottery winners that have spent big. When you see a “where are they now,” many are barely subsisting. And that’s when they actually had the money at one time. Medical care you can’t afford isn’t something you think about when you’re prancing around in that Gucci bag a decade earlier. Long-term financial stability for your kids, many career opportunities, future ability to be a home owner or even a car owner, etc. are the things often being sacrificed that aren’t readily apparent.

      1. But how much will financial responsibility help you if you have serious medical conditions or need long term care? If the odds are that you’re going to spend old age in poverty either way?

        2. A lot of physicians won’t accept Medicaid. The difference in long-term care facilities is also astounding. Spend some time with actual poor and/or old people, and you’ll quickly appreciate what having some money versus no money means in terms of access to decent care and supportive services.

          1. But who has enough money not to end up on Medicaid? “Some money” is great but then it runs out and it’s Medicaid anyway.

    11. So, I’m coming at it from the perspective that our compensation comes in one large junk once a year. Yes, sometimes it’s risky to carry a lot of debt, but it is also a perspective of if I know I’m getting a big check in two months, then credit card debt isn’t that scary as it will be promptly paid off. Not sure if it’s your friends situation or not.

    12. I hear you. At some point, it’s deeply personal. I am not a frugal person and I have many nice things. But a friend once told me she went into debt for a Chanel bag a decade ago. It all worked out, seems like her finances are fine, she’s very successful. Oh and the darn bag is now worth more than she paid! But if that was me, that bag would stress me out and make me ill. Heck, after I heard that story HER bag makes me ill. There is a weird psychological component to money management and it’s ok to honor that. I love my kids but I’d be sick to my stomach on a vacation we had to go into debt for.

    13. I have been that person with six-figure debt, and I am here to tell you it’s a nightmare.

    14. Savings and investments buy freedom and security, which are super important to me. I’d much rather be able to provide my kids stability, have the financial ability to quit a job/take an unpaid leave, and have a decent life in old age than carry a designer bag or go on fancy vacations now.

    15. This board is very conservative about debt but – a lot of people consider what they can “afford” to mean what they can have including credit cards. As long as you’re making your monthly payments you can still “afford” the debt.

      It’s easy to get trapped as a high earner because you’re always getting offered credit. So so many credit cards offers with high limits. But also – My mortgage was recently sold and it’s nuts how predatory some of these mailings are – access your $300k home equity now! Get a check in days! I can only imagine how tempting that would be if I were in financial peril. It’s horrifying.

      1. Agreed this board is conservative about debt and savings, but I don’t think most people consider affordability to be whatever they can borrow on cards. If you’re a relatively high earner (I’m talking low six figure annual income , not millions) the limit on borrowing pretty much doesn’t exist – there’s no way most people are borrowing to the maximum of their ability.

    16. Nope. I know people do it but I prioritize financial security. It is the one issue on which my husband and I are solidly aligned and I think it has saved us a world of arguing.

  15. Does anyone have a standard list of things they do/take care of before leaving on a trip? We usually are only gone for 5-7 days, but we’re taking our first international trip and will be gone for 14 days and I’m afraid I might forget to do something either here at home, or necessary for the trip.
    also – favorite snacks for travelling?

    1. Line up the friend’s kid for packages, arrange dog boarding, panic shop for things I think I’ll need on vacation.

    2. i keep a paper list but you could do it in your phone if you prefer… basically just write anything and everything down (passports! turn heat down! don’t forget phone charger!) i travel pretty frequently and do have “capsules” that i always pack. no favorite snacks, i always bring a meal when the flight is long (sandwich or similar) bc i’m fussy but once i land i’ve never had a problem no matter where i go- have a great time!

      1. Same, I started running lists when I traveled for work. One is a baseline packing list, the other is for the night before and morning of. Clean out the fridge, take out the garbage, unplug small appliances, close and lock all windows, adjust the thermostat. Make sure I have my wallet, keys, ID, phone charger, toiletry bag, suitcase, and backpack (yes I’ve walked out the door without my suitcase but noticed pretty quickly). Maybe not relevant for international trips but if I’m packing a curling iron or straightener I do my hair first thing in the morning so the tool has time to cool off before it goes in my suitcase.

    3. Deep clean the house before you go so you come home to a clean house! Change sheets, take out trash, etc.

      Snacks: dried mango, peanut butter-filled pretzels, apples.

    4. I clear out the fridge of things that will go bad during that time. I stock the freezer or pantry with a couple of easy meals to make upon returning home (frozen pizza, canned soup, etc.) and make sure we have basics like TP in good supply so we don’t have to run out again if all we want to do is go to bed when we get in.

      Depending on the time of year, I might turn off the water main and the power to our water heater. I will also adjust the thermostat schedule to not fully cool or heat the house if no one is going to be in it (but not so extreme we end up with frozen pipes). I set a few lights on timers, and put a hold on mail (our route does actually hold the mail for us).

    6. I have a checklist I save in the notes app on my phone since I travel a lot for work:

      – pack: meds, glasses, all chargers, power bank, download books etc for flight
      – do in house: close drains, turn on security camera, water plants, lock windows, pay bills that will come up
      – because I’m paranoid sometimes: check that stove is off, unplug small appliances

    7. House
      -eat down perishable food
      -put in mail holds, etc. on the off chance they work; ask neighbors for help with monitoring deliveries, watering plants, etc; make arrangements for pets if applicable
      -time chores so that you’re coming home to a relatively clean and organized house (like make sure you have clean undies or you’re going to have to do laundry the minute you get back…)
      -move valuables to safe or less-obvious locations

      Personal
      -line up any appointments (like if you want a wax, gel mani, etc)
      -ensure you have enough of prescription meds for the trip and on return
      -unless your cc automatically knows you’re abroad (most travel ones can tell where you’ll be since you booked flights on them) notify cc, bank of planned travel

      Trip
      -have a running list so you can corral stray thoughts. Passports, outlet converters, etc. Note that most electronics don’t require an adapter (phones, laptops) but the things that WOULD need an adapter (like hair styling tools) the adapter won’t be strong enough to support them, so… don’t bring them
      -I like to bring fruit bars, protein bars, and whatever leftover veggies from the fridge. You end up getting a stream of salty snacks so easily that I’m always happy to have a baggie of cherry tomatoes or whatever. (Eat them before arrival if it’s produce.)
      -bring a spare duffel bag so you have space for souvenir purchases

      If you share the location of your trip you can get more specific advice (like if it’s a jaunt through Italy vs. island-hopping in the BVIs vs. a safari…)

    8. I’d add water houseplants deeply and take out the garbage (so it doesn’t smell when you get back)

    9. This thread is healing me because I thought I was weird/overly anxious for making a list before work trips but it turns out everyone does that.

      1. I commented above about my running lists for business travel and I’m not anxious *because* of them. I know that I can’t forget anything critical if I use them. Meanwhile my coworkers frequently forgot something important or had “did I leave the curling iron plugged in” moments.

    10. I have a master packing/to do list for travel that I copy over into Keep Notes and make a checklist to literally check things off as I pack. The to-do portion of this list for international trips is:
      1) Arrange pet sitter (who also gets our mail, but otherwise, I would put a mail stop, if you think USPS will actually do that at your house);
      2) arrange airport parking or transit to airport;
      3) arrange plant watering;
      4) charge our security cameras;
      5) check visa or other entry requirements for international destination (do this well in advance, obvious);
      6) order local currency (I like to take at least a few hundred dollars in local currency just in case);
      7) make sure I have the correct plug adapters.
      8) Depending on where you are going, check vaccine and/or anti-malarial requirements/update as needed

      If you use washcloths and will be annoyed to not have one for two weeks, pack one. They aren’t really a thing in many places (particularly Europe) and a lot of hotels don’t provide them.

    11. We have a google doc with household tasks to complete before we leave town. We recycle it each trip and add/subtract things as needed.

      I always keep a couple of miniature Kind bars in my purse, but that’s not just when I travel. I also travel with small bags of cocoa-dusted almonds just in case I get stuck somewhere without food. But one of my favorite parts of travel is indulging in snacks I can buy along the way!

    12. – Check your passport and Global Entry card at the time you book your plane tickets to ensure they have sufficiently far out expiration dates. Confirm visa and Electronic Travel Authorization (if applicable) requirements have been met at the same time.

      – Two weeks prior: confirm airline and hotel arrangements are booked for the right dates and places. I can’t tell you the number of fellow travelers and colleagues who make mistakes when booking. Make sure you know which airport you are departing from! Make sure your seat selection on the plane is complete and correct.

      – I don’t make a list but do a “Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes, Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose” type mental check as I pack first clothing and then toiletries.

      – The night before the trip, I charge all my electronics: laptop, two phones, 1-2 pairs of headphones. I pare down my wallet to just have contents I need for the trip. My passport gets packed at this point.

      – My laptop bag remains packed at all times except for electronics, but I go through and toss all the random receipts, kleenex, and wrappers that might be hiding in it, my wallet, my coat pockets, etc. I add a magazine or book for the flight.

      – Hair tools get packed the morning of, along with a converter if I am traveling to Europe or Africa. I take out the trash, lower the thermostat, check the stove, and lock the door.

      Most importantly: remember that as long you have your passport and credit cards, you can replace anything else relatively easy.

  16. Im overthinking this and need advice….I’m going out to lunch today with my boss since it’s her last week before she starts maternity leave. Before she was my boss, we were coworkers and friends so we have a close relationship. I know the advice is “don’t gift up” but I wanted to at a minimum pay for lunch….is that weird? I also wasn’t sure if I should bring a little gift, like a bottle of wine (for after the baby’s here). For what it’s worth, we recently had a reorg and she will no longer be my boss going forward.

    1. Paying for lunch and a small gift seems fine in this situation. A favorite children’s book is my go to for a baby gift that’s not overly personal or expensive but it still thoughtful.

    2. not weird if you have a personal relationship. i would do what you would have done when you were coworkers unless there is a policy against it.

    4. Not weird to pay for lunch, but don’t push it if she resists. A think a baby gift would be more than fine.

    5. Is the company paying for lunch? If not, then pay and bring a little baby gift, totally fine.

  17. does anyone have a drip coffee maker with a thermal carafe that they love? we weren’t impressed with the OXO one everyone recommends. thanks!

  18. I think I saw the Ogio locker bag recommended here but I am looking for something that has similar organizational features but can also accommodate 1-2 pickleball paddles. Any ideas?

  19. Mini celebration- I’ve been doing consulting work for the past couple of years, and DH and I recently had a Money Talk where we both agreed life would be a little easier if we had more cash coming in (truth: our discussion was “do we want to budget better or earn more?”). I went out and threw myself out there to a bunch of companies, got a $35k engagement for Q4, and they want to keep me on a retainer for the next 6 months at $10k/month for about 5-10 hours/week.

    This is a nice bump in my monthly income for a very reasonable amount of work given my current workload with a VERY reasonable client who I know is good for the money because they just got a big round of funding. To top it off, they pay their bills on time. I am off to buy a lotto ticket. Merry Christmas to me.

  20. I don’t think a blazer would work with this dress at all, especially not with those sleeves.

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