Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cropped Natalia Pant in Four-Season Stretch

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A woman wearing a white polo, navy pants, a black belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We’re in kind of a weird shoulder season for shopping. Post-holiday sales are wrapping up and the new arrivals are trickling out, but they’re for a season that feels very far away. I always think this is a good time of year to stock up on basics, especially if you’ve done a New Year’s closet cleanout and have identified some items that need to be replaced.

If you’re in the market for basics, these cropped pants from J.Crew have been a recent favorite of mine. The slight flare makes them look contemporary, but the fabric is one of my J.Crew favorites — a slight stretch, but never baggy at the end of the day. I wear them at least once a week with loafers and a sweater for an easy business casual outfit. 

The pants are pn sale for $89.50 (marked down from $128) at J.Crew and come in sizes 00-24, 00P-12P, and 0T-12T. 

Hunting for warm dress pants for winter? We like fabrics like wool flannel, wool blends, corduroy, and velvet — but know your office before wearing pants cut like denim, with five pockets (especially corduroy and velvet). In 2025, for wool flannel, check Aritzia, Loft, Talbots*, and Nordstrom. For great wool and wool blends, check out Banana Republic, J.Crew*, and M.M.LaFleur. (* = plus sizes)

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Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
  • J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)

258 Comments

  1. Thank you to the commenters who shared these recommendations here!

    Hero Rescue Balm color corrector: for the first time ever, my face doesn’t look raw and angry on Zoom. I feel like people are listening and engaging with my words rather than silently aghast at how awful the camera rendered my rosacea.

    How Women Rise, by Sally Helgesen, Radical Candor, and the Manager Tools Basics podcasts: my organization has targeted me for a promotion and a management role, and these resources are very helpful for giving me context and structure as I take on these new responsibilities.

  2. Anyone know what’s happening to Amour Vert? I’ve long known them for expensive, high quality fashion staples. When I looked a few months ago, they had discontinued my favorites. Now, their website is $10 for anything (but I want none of it) and the local store is stripped bare, lights off, with no staff.

    Are they going out of business? Anyone know the story?

    1. Doesn’t look good. I got some great pieces from them (and then sadly changed sizes and styles changed). Sniff!

    2. That’s too bad. I wasn’t a regular customer, but I remember first buying Amour Vert when it was a pop-up in San Francisco in late 2013. I was happy to find sustainable clothing and talked to the founders about what made it sustainable.

  3. I just lived a FAFO with distant parents, one of whom had a fatal stage 4 cancer diagnosis, had a sudden decline, and died, which kicked off a health crisis of the other one. After a season of trying to figure out WTF was going in, health-wise, that parent is now in assisted living in my city (but that was a close call with independent living — parent can do all ADLs but doesn’t cook and has voluntarily given up driving in a new city). Is there any good roadmap of living the sandwich generation life? I have no health care or aging background and don’t know what to expect or prepare for (one example: current residence can’t handle tube feeding, which isn’t an issue today and may never become one). We at least have a durable POA (but this is useless for any mutual funds, etc, and need to have a day where a notary comes over and just notarizes each company’s forms). I’m trying hunt down 1099s and also deal with being executor of one parent’s estate. That is a lot. Health stuff is a lot. Nothing is wrong with the surviving parent but the deepest of grief. He isn’t used to having local family, so we invite him to things but the cacophony of teens and high school events just is taxing on an older person. I just feel like I’m building the plane as I fly it whereas there were a million “what to expect” books when I was pregnant.

    1. I’m sorry, this is really tough. As a starting point, the AARP website has a lot of great free resources on caregiving.

    2. I wish I knew of one. Instead, I will validate how hard this stage of life can be, especially emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, it’s truly about taking one day at a time, handling whatever’s in front of you, and doing what you can to make sure you have the time and space to deal with it all (probably the most challenging part for people who are working full time).

    3. Just a small suggestion that works in my family rather than high school events and the like. Sunday dinner. One big meal, around the dinning table, with dessert. We don’t do anything fancy – can be a simple meat and potatoes meal with a frozen lemon meringue pie from Marie Calendars. It will give your dad a chance to just interact with the teenagers, and those are the moments that matter most and will create a sense of normalcy.

      1. I second this! We try to do dinner once a week with my parents. The meal is not fancy at all (sometimes frozen Trader Joe’s dinners) and we aim for a random week night. It is a good opportunity for my kids to see grandpa and grandma (my dad is on hospice and so far he is up for things like this). When my dad does pass away I plan to keep the tradition alive with my mom.

    4. My budding sense is that assisted living is generally for 80ish men who are functioning widowers who can’t cook and have either sons
      or working daughters OR widows who are 90ish and/or in decline with ADLs who need more assistance. So, two classes of residents moving often at different speeds.

      Independent living is more for 70ish couples who want ease and maybe to give up cooking. They are often emotionally happy still whereas many in assisted living are there for sad reasons, perhaps unplanned.

      IDK who is in 55+ places. I’m 54 and none of my peers see themselves as old enough for that, maybe in part because we still have kids at home because we had them later than prior generations did.

      1. The people I know moving into 55+ communities are in their late 60s with grown adult children who were sick of house maintenance.

        1. Some of the 55+ communities just seem a lot nicer than similarly priced apartment complexes in the same neighborhoods. I’d be looking forward to qualifying in some of the places I’ve lived.

        2. +1, my circle’s parents (late 60s to mid 70s) have moved en masse to 55+ because they still want a house, but don’t want the yard. They plan to stay there until they need more support, so 10-20 years depending on health. Saying things like “70ish couples who want to give up cooking” – 70 is… not that old per se…

          1. You can also just move into a regular apartment community with townhouses or even detached houses. That’s what my parents did in their early 70s. They have a small yard but it’s maintained by the apartment management company. Their townhouse is actually bigger than the house I grew up in (which to be fair was small for a suburban house) and they absolutely love having their own home but being maintenance free. 55+ communities don’t really exist where I live, so it was this or move into an actual retirement home and this is much better.

          2. My parents moved to a 55+ community when they were… what? Maybe in their early 70s and still very healthy? Anyway, for that reason. It was great — there were classes and clubs and it was like being on a cruise ship. They lived there for 15 years until they needed more support. (Which was a total sh!tshow, so I feel your pain, OP.)

        3. My mother moved into a 55+ apartment complex in Florida when she was 60 and she loves it! The social life is like a college dorm – people from all over at the same stage of life ready to be friends. No maintenance other than keeping your unit neat. It is quiet and calm because everyone is older. They also help each other out – when someone has to go to the hospital, they walk each other’s dogs and water each other’s plants. I feel much better with her there because I know people have their back if something happens while I’m a plane ride away.

      2. My MIL moved to a 55+ community at 54, but my FIL was 65. I’d say typically the people living there sell the “family home” and want to downsize to somewhere gated with the majority of the maintenance taken care of.

      3. The one couple I know of who just bought in a 55+ community in their late 50s did it for the vibrant social scene. They are empty nesters who love the beach and throwing parties and wanted to move out of non-descript suburbia to have more fun in their next phase of life.

        I’m in my 30s, so this is a friend’s parents who did this. It fits them perfectly, but wouldn’t suite everyone. I respect that they were able to identify what would make them happy!

    5. No advice just sympathy. I too am in this season of life. My remaining parent was a very good parent, so it is an honor to serve him, but holy cow it is a lot. A lot of financial, insurance and health care management. A lot of popping into his assisted living to check on him and make sure he is seen to be checked on. A lot of taking him to medical appointments. A lot of fetch and carry on small things that he needs. And there is not one single other person to assist with any of this. I love him so much but my quality of life right now is not great.

    6. I’m watching a free webinar on this at noon EST. Here’s the info:

      Webinar: Caring for Elders and Yourself
      Date: January 22, 2025 Time: 12 PM – 1 PM (ET) Where: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_agELp9BcSXaRSbm9UIQIYg Discover the delicate balance of caregiving and self-care with Kate Granigan, CEO of LifeCare Advocates, and expert insights from David Keefe, who will be moderating this empowering session. This is a conversation you won’t want to miss! Invite your friends, family, and colleagues to join this meaningful event and gain practical tips and heartfelt advice for the caregiving journey.

    7. I replied with a free webinar today at noon, but I went into mod. Google David Keefe, Caring for Elders and Yourself.

    8. I don’t have personal experience caring for aging parents, as mine are still relatively young and healthy, working jobs, etc. But I saw my grandparents care for their parents and my parents are currently caring for my grandparents. One of the main reasons they don’t have a playbook for this is because it reads as dad while a baby reads as happy, but also because it’s just so much more variable. I don’t know your father or his interests or his limitations or how he grieves, so I can’t really give much advice. I’ll just say that this while process is much easier if you can learn to be candid and honest with each other as much as possible. How candid is possible depends a lot on your father, but you can start firing new patterns of behavior in the relationship. Additionally, do what you can to let him enjoy time with family. For my great-grandpa, that was sharing music. Great-grandma loved to play cards. Grandpa liked getting out into the mountains as much as possible. Hopefully you know your father well enough to have an idea of what to try. As you’ve witnessed, large gatherings are usually more taxing than enjoyable at this age, so try many small casual things.

    9. I went through this. FIL dropped dead and MIL is a difficult woman (FIL was readying for divorce we later learned). They were younger than your parents, but she was entirely co-dependent, had a list of suspect “medical issues” – always had a doctor and prescription for everything. She wanted no help until it was utter catastrophe then she wanted all the help….Anyway. My very deepest sympathies. We were on a scavenger hunt for documents so we could settle the estate and also set MIL up to live independently. Tragically, yet somehow thankfully(?), I gave birth 3 weeks after his death so I devoted an outsized portion of my leave being on the phone during regular business hours with his employer (he was also 1099 to several places), tracking down business contacts to figure out who we might expect forms from, figuring out his debts, bank accounts (shew as on a total of zero of the accounts), on with with social security, utility company… you name it.

      I really and truly have no advice other than make sure you have a strong estate attorney. She wasn’t able to do the hard work for us, but was able to offer 30k foot direction when it came to estate settlement and then also setting MIL up for her own estate.

      All I can say is once the dust settled, years later, I went on a PSA tour with my siblings and closest friends to strongly encourage them to have the conversations now before you get to where we were, which was the unexpected death of a 62 year old with a 61 year old spouse who hadn’t updated estate documents in decades and listed his wife on nothing but debts. Heck – we couldn’t find the will for days (weeks?). No one expects to drop dead, but there is absolutely a gift you can leave to those you leave behind, and that’s having a plan and talking about it, even just one time.

      And, nearly 7 years in to the future from the spot you’re in right now, you will find equilibrium someday. I can’t say the hard stuff goes away – with age come more health issues and more surprises. But, once the estate was fully behind us and MIL was “established” as a widow, it doesn’t feel like the monster weight it did in that moment for the close to two years post FIL’s death. Hang in there and check back. This community can be a great place.

    10. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Btdt not too long ago with my mother, who was divorced from my father and single. (Father, fortunately, has a partner to help take care of him, and he’s still reasonably healthy and independent.) The two pieces of tangible advice I can give you are (1) when you’re done with your mom’s estate, get put on as a cosigner to at least some of your dad’s accounts. There will be immediate expenses when he dies, and your power of attorney (incl any power of attorney you establish specifically at a bank) ceases when the parent dies. It’s helpful not to have to wait to open probate and be named executor to get access to some money. (2) Consider finding a therapist for yourself, even just to see every couple of weeks. Having someone you can just process with and unload on is well worth the investment of time. My less tangible advice is just to give yourself grace. The probate stuff will get done – eat the elephant one bite at a time, and try not to think about the whole thing all at once.

      1. As another veteran of the Elder Care Wars, I cosign this. Get yourself on the accounts for sure if at all possible. When my last surviving parent died, all I had to do was write checks to the other heirs and close out the accounts and it was so much easier than going through probate. And the therapist is super helpful as well.

        Oh, and one more piece of advice: My parents were in assisted living and that was all well and good, but I also hired a private aide for maybe an hour a day to be my boots-on-the-ground eyes and ears and also to make sure nothing was falling through the cracks. She was recommended by the facility — see if your dad’s place can recommend someone similar and if so it will be money well spent.

        1. Keep in mind, though, if you were added to the account as a co-owner, there are tax implications for you because you are equally considered an owner of those accounts. This is especially tricky for foreign estates.

        2. Wow – what a great idea. When I was hiring aids for my father, no one would come for less than a 4 hour shift. How did you find someone willing to come for only 1 hour per day? Were they aids already employed by the assisted living (so you paid the assisted living for those visits, at a high rate) or someone who was independent from the assisted living, but was coming in to see another patient and had the time to add on your parents’ visits?

    11. I’m going to speak to you from the horror story side. Make sure a lawyer and financial professional knows what the assets are that don’t go through probate are and who is supposed to inherit. I am currently paying to subpoena all of my mom’s financial records because there were changes to beneficiaries by the POA (now deceased) after she was diagnosed with dementia. The only reason I was able to track these down is that she kept a list in a notebook. Otherwise, we would have had no idea because they weren’t in her will. Same for all bank accounts, etc. And I no people might think oh this won’t happen in my family, we don’t have a lot of money, etc. This happened in an educator family by a person on paper was the poster child you pick: eldest daughter, good job, etc. Still stole a lot of money.

      It is a lot of work either way. It’s a lot of paperwork for the most part. Have a discussion about values related to end of life because you want to understand what life continuing interventions they would want. That will help should any specific things arise. An elder lawyer is helpful. Departments of aging usually do workshops. Outsource what you can — whether in a facility or through services like food delivery, housekeeping, etc. The biggest issue is listening to what the adult wants, which may be to stay in their home. That’s ok too.

    12. Wow. You have no idea how much this post resonated with me. You are right–it is a lot to take care of your parents. I have been taking care of my dad for the past several years and it is so time consuming and daunting. As a society we did not anticipate that our parents would live as long as they have been living, or that there would be so many byzantine rules regarding insurance. Elders are increasingly living into their 90’s due to medication and medical intervention. But they still need our help for ADLs, driving, etc. And it is soooo expensive. It feels like we are on the edge of a national crisis. There are those of us whose parents are lucky enough to have us or the resources to pay for a caregiver. But the majority have not saved the million dollars required to get through a decade of caregiving help.
      I’m sending you hugs and commiseration. Your parents are lucky to have you.

    13. This isn’t a logistics book, but I found Atul Gawande’s “Being Mortal” a thoughtful read and good conversation starter about what a good life looks like, especially in old age

    14. I know this situation well. I’m sorry life is so hard.

      There is no real hurry on the Estate stuff. Just keep a checklist, and try to do a little bit whenever you can. Just know that your hard work now will pay off when your father passes, if you get things organized. Add beneficiaries on all accounts can be helpful (are you the only sibling/person to inherit?), and getting papers sorted into folders for each financial institution/account. I agree that having your name on your father’s bank account to pay bills now and long term is key. I also shared a credit card with my father so all the medical supplies/purchases that I was doing for him were with the credit card. It made tax time a lot easier. And of course, use his money to pay for all of his expenses.

      I found it incredibly helpful to go to a caregiver support group. Look for one in your area, and I’m sure there are a ton online that have Zoom sessions now.

      If your Dad is relatively healthy, I would not be worried about limitations of his current facility for things like tube feeding etc… I mean, if you knew he had a degenerative disease like ALS, and he would need tube feeding in 6 months and willing chooses this option, then of course that would be a different story. But that is not your situation. But it may be helpful to meet once with a local Elder care or an Elder Care manager in your area if you want general advice/questions answered. I did meet with one and got the low down on the best rehab/nursing homes, in case they were ever needed, and I got some great advice.

      You have a wonderful gift of having a family, and I would try to involve all of them in Grandpa’s life and care. Remember, you are modeling for them how you want them to treat you when you age. And you are doing a great job of this so far. Maybe once a month, one child goes to visit him for “pizza and football” and they watch a game. Or ‘pizza and a movie’ and choose a classic older movie that grandpa likes. Or they go to his house and pick him up and bring him to your house for those things. I know it’s hard to get teens to do this, but it is good to get them off their phones too. Let others help you when you can. And if you have siblings – ask them to visit more often and take something off your hands. Assign them tasks, if they wont ask for them.

  4. Which loafers do you pair these with? I struggle to adjust visually to a cropped, flared leg opening and wonder if I would have 1” of ankle above my loafers. Is that how you wear them?

    1. Yes. If they’re longer than that, they actually look kinda weird and not intentional.

      That said, I cannot with cold ankles, so I save this look for the warmer season.

    2. In winter with this sort of pants I wear either a lug-soled oxford with visible socks or a sleek ankle boot that leaves no visual gap.

    3. Yes to the space, but I live in the midwest and we have real winter here, so I do not do exposed ankles.

      So I do loafers + socks. I love the gen z trend of exposed socks not being taboo because I always hated no-show socks and exposed ankles.

      Also, not loafers, but I just ordered knee high boots with a tigher shaft specifically for wide leg cropped pants in the winter.

    4. I’m sitting this trend out. I think this length and style looks stupid no matter how you style it. I said what I said.

  5. I’m relatively new to therapy – I had some majorly traumatic experiences last year, and have been seeing a psychologist, which has been helpful, but it feels it has been very directed by me – as in the sessions start with me downloading the events of the last period, questions I have, and then goes into general chat, with her mainly telling me that I am the normal one, and the events that happened were ‘not my fault’. She also is very good at helping me understand the pathology of the situation. I think I am ready/need to move onto a new approach, where it is more about how I want to stop feeling like a victim and move onto how I begin to thrive and feel joy again. I’m also in the midst of a much more ‘normal’ trauma relating to elderly relatives, and I think this is affecting my ability to think about that in an emotionally natural way.
    I don’t know if I am being realistic, or if this even makes sense, and I don’t really know what to look for in a therapist to get that.
    I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    1. Are you saying that you want your therapist to begin giving you guidance and training in new approaches, rather than merely helping you process the past?

      If so, tell her that, and see what happens. That may not be her strength area, or she might easily be able to do that with you.

    2. look into Rapid Resolution Therapy. the guy who invented it is a sleezeball, so find another practitioner, but boy does it work.

    3. How old is your therapist? A physician who refers a lot of patients to therapists told me that older therapists were trained in the method you describe, and that if you want a more directive, forward-looking approach that teaches coping strategies rather than merely rehashing past events, you need to look for a therapist who got her Ph.D. very recently and to specifically request such an approach.

      1. My bff is a therapist (recent grad last 5 years)and has told me that in school they are explicitly told not to offer advice because if it goes wrong they could be held liable.

        1. That makes zero sense. The whole purpose of a therapist is to teach coping strategies!

        2. This sure makes me think about some of the things therapists have said to me that could have gone wrong if I’d listened.

          Anyway I think strategies to try =/= advice.

      2. I’ve had the opposite experience. I’ve found that older therapists are more likely to offer concrete advice and younger therapists more like what OP posted. One of the older therapists told me that the guy I was dating was a cad – he was right!

        I also indicated clearly to all therapists that I wanted and was open to such advice.

    4. I would tell her exactly what you said here. I had a very helpful experience with therapy after several traumatic experiences in short succession, and it started out a lot how you describe and then moved into more resolution and new coping strategies (which I wanted to mention because you mentioned having some more normal trauma, and I really credit that course of therapy with helping me deal with subsequent difficult experiences in a healthy way). I do think I kind of had to tell my therapist when I was ready to move on from processing because at first, I did need the space to do that.
      I also just wanted to mention EMDR. I don’t know what kind of experiences yours were, but most of mine were medical, and it was tremendously helpful in getting past one particular event that was causing some difficult flashbacks. I felt like talk therapy was the right approach for me for most things, but that one was tough to talk about, and I felt like EMDR totally changed the way I remembered it.

      1. +1 for EMDR! Helped immensely with my anxiety. You need to find a therapist who specializes in it though.

        1. Another voice for EMDR. I really liked that it was time-limited – looking back I stuck with CBT for much longer than I should have as a very self-aware person who intellectualizes emotions instead of feeling them. With my EMDR practitioner we had a list of things to work through and an end goal.

    5. Quit. If it’s not helping you it’s fine to quit. I find therapy loves to keep rehashing things and isn’t great if you want to move on with your life.

    6. Hi – I went through this and I talked to my therapist about how I wanted to focus on more active coping strategies/moving forward. My original therapist felt like her practice focuses more on processing grief/trauma and referred me to someone new who was great!

    7. Trauma therapy needs to be done by a trauma therapist. It sounds like your therapist is not a trauma therapist. Switch therapists.

    8. I was dealing with anxiety & some depression and found cognitive behavioral therapy very useful to identify my emotions and express them and understand and pinpoint my deep feelings and how I can control them by my thoughts. When I write it out, it sounds new-age and cult but CBT is actually a type of therapy that has a lot of data to back it up. So I looked for a therapist that did that. I have since moved on from CBT but it was great to start there and has helped me deal with so much that has come at me since then. I asked my therapist about CBT and she suggested I see someone else in her practice and it’s going well

    9. Choose a modality of therapy that you think will be effective (CBT, DBT, EMDR) and find a therpist who employs that modality.

    10. Thank you all for your input. Just the act of writing the post helped me think through what I wanted and was expecting from my therapist. I will be ready when I talk to her next.

  6. Any suggestions for how to be conversational about sports when I don’t follow them? In my B4 world I often find conversations drifting into sports talk, and while I don’t care to seem like an expert I have a hard time staying in the conversation since I have no idea what they’re talking about.

    1. I live in Arkansas, so when I worked at a law firm, I always said I was conversational in the SEC, though I wasn’t a sports fan.

      I would honestly look at social media some during the games to see if there were moments that got reposted. Then browse the ESPN college sports section on Sunday (most of the football games are on saturdays).

      The very most important thing is to make sure you’re not acting like you are a true blue fan if you’re not. I kept my comments very surface level and would joke around about not seeing the whole game or missing stuff sometimes or whatever. It was clear I was just trying to be a good conversationalist rather than wanting a deep conversation about upcoming high school players and whatnot (yes that’s a thing here)

    2. Pick a sport and then follow either college or pro and just start with conferences and what “winning big” looks like. And follow some fun players. Or coaches. Just find an angle that you like (for me — Green Bay is a tiny city but an original NFL city and the city owns the team and they play outside in the cold; citizens of Buffalo shovel out their open-air stadium). Charlotte hates the owner of the Panthers; he is thin-skinned and goes into bats to argue about heckling signs. NFL draft during COVID was a blast. And I’m not a sports fan. I don’t watch games but the trivia is hella interesting to me (work with finance bros and we talk a lot of hockey, which to me is the only sport I will watch a whole game of but I only watch it live).

      1. Agree, I had this same issue. Then luckily one of my kids started obsessing over the NBA so now I can carry a conversation on that, and college basketball in Q1. I don’t care about other sports.

    3. 1. Don’t fake it, you’ll just sound like an idiot.

      2. What kind of sports are they talking? I’ve lived in a lot of different places and sports culture varies a lot, from people being fans of the local teams (easy to follow), to hard core stats bros (very hard to keep up with unless you go all in).

    4. I was at a firm with hockey fans, and tried going to a game. I completely hated it — the violence was even more revolting live — and so ended up just giving those conversations a pass. If the sport isn’t revolting to you, try watching a game live and see what you think. Then the news will make more sense, and you can say no, I missed it, but I heard the QB was great, or whatever, and let them mansplain it to you.

    5. Are these clients or co-workers? For clients, I view it as part of the relationship – look up the scores of the games the client will care about before you talk to the client, know if their team is only one game away from the Super Bowl. It’s the same as remembering what school their kids go to. For co-workers and local people, I just normally keep up somewhat with the major sports (football, baseball, hockey) in the sense of knowing if the team is doing well or not.

    6. I just ask them about it. If they’re that into they will love to explain things to me. I also knew the highlights, like what teams were playing and maybe one thing about one player.

    7. I find that skimming ESPN generally does the trick for me. I don’t pay close attention to every game for an entire baseball or basketball season, but I generally check and see if my city’s NFL team each week and whether there has been any other “big” news (trades, coaching changes, etc). I will also watch a bit of the playoffs and championship games just for the sake of conversation, even if I do not necessarily otherwise care about the outcome.

      1. I like Tony Kornhiser and Michael Wilbon. They are great to listen to and I’m not into sports.

        1. I thought the way PF shortening that was Big 4. Didn’t realize we needed to further shorten it

    8. I’m a recovering sports hater. When I worked at BigLaw, then in a lobbying firm, I needed to be conversent — this helped:

      – Find a buddy/loved one who LOVES a sport, then go with them to games. To work, it has to have two parts: (1) you must love spending time and enjoy hanging with the person, and (2) the person must love the sport :) For me, this was my 9 year old son and baseball. He straight up LOVES the sport, and it brings me deep joy to go to games with him. He explains things to me with joy and excitement, and I get joy from his joy. It also helps to watch games with someone really invested it in, when you are invested in them. I am now a bona fide baseball lover and enjoyer, and find myself searching out games/baseball news, etc. independent of him. This approach won’t work if the friend/loved one is at all obnoxious about their sport, or condescending, etc., and helps if they really love/understand the sport. So, just find one friend, any friend, who doesn’t grate on you when they explain stuff, and start watching with them.

      2) This was my husband’s advice, and it does help. Just skim the headlines of the sports page on your local newspaper. You’ll get enough info to be able to be knowledgeable/chat about big happenings, which is usually enough. I used to really have to force myself to digest anything deeper than the headlines, but since turning into a baseball fan, I find it easier to apply the same framework to football and basketball, so I’m better able to digest/regurgitate what I read.

      1. I do this and it works surprisingly well. At least you know the names and major events.

    9. I stumbled on this accidentally, but pick a team that’s terrible and doesn’t ever go very far as “your” team. You don’t have to follow for very long and you can get through most conversations with self deprecating comments. I live in a big football area and my husband is a fan of a non-rival, historically terrible football team from his hometown. “We’re a [team] family so we have low expectations/they can’t hurt me more than they already have/oh is your team doing well I don’t know what that’s like please tell me more/at least we can wear our jerseys without fear of bottles flying at our heads.”

    10. Start reading about sports or be fine not participating in those conversations. If you have a NYT subscription you can read The Athletic.

    11. When I was in b-school, many moons ago, I went to a Women on Wall Street conference. A very senior MD at Deutsche Bank said, “My life is too busy for me to have fake hobbies to please my male co-workers. I don’t care a lick about sports. I will listen, I will ask questions, but I’m not going to pretend to follow a team or sport I don’t care about. I simply don’t have time.”

      Wise words. Pretty much the only thing I remember from that conference, frankly.

  7. I posted ages ago about needing some kind of mesh or net to enclose an open-sided stairway as part of childproofing (the landlord won’t install something more permanent and isn’t legally obligated to). I’ve had trouble finding good results for the search terms I’ve used and I recall the prior thread had a good suggestion, but now I can’t find it. Anyone have any ideas? There is a top rail made of iron that is secured to the stairs with three iron posts at top, bottom, and midway, so it’s completely open between those posts.

      1. If there is a way to clamp it to iron posts, maybe? We don’t have significant handy experience and are hoping to find something straightforward.

        1. Drill holes in the plexiglass and zip tie it to the bars. Not aesthetically pleasing to the eye perhaps, but not awful

    1. I think what you’re looking for is “banister guard” netting, but that’s generally meant for railings with normally spaced posts so I’d make sure it was strong enough for your application.

    2. Try looking for mesh bannister guard. But I would also just use gates to barricade the top and bottom of the stairs and don’t let the child use them without an adult.

    3. I used green plastic mesh from Home Depot on an outside railing, and zip tied it down

    4. My parents have the same kind of open stairs (with thin wires horizontally between the posts, but gaps large enough to fall through), and secured them with some sort of netting from the hardware store.

      I’d look at some banister netting or the term “balcony netting” which seems to bring up some rope-style netting on Amazon. “Trampoline netting” might be another option that is maybe also sturdy?

      I’d also look at putting netting under the stairs if there are large gaps, sort of like a net to catch a kid if they slide in between the stairs, if that makes sense?

    5. I think we have a similar staircase but our 3 bars are vertical and widely spaced. We bought mesh netting and zip tied it to the staircase and it works great.

    6. Hardware cloth? I wouldn’t use this in lieu of actual childproofing, but it does keep cats from squeezing through open railings.

    7. I would question whether this is up to code–in most jurisdictions, if a child can fall through, it’s not. If they are aware you have a child (likely yes), they need to take precautions to make it safe for you as a tenant. This is true in most states/

      1. Houses are grandfathered to code when they are built. The landlord has no legal obligation to change the banister.

    8. Ask in your local moms groups on FB or whatever for a baby proofing specialist. They will come over and do what they can, even if you’re a renter. They’re pretty good

  8. If you open a 529 plan in one state but you’re not happy with the funds’ performance over time, can you transfer it to another state?

    1. Probably you’ve looked into it, but can you just change the fund? Maybe pick a farther out target date if you want it to be more aggressive, or see if they offer S&P index funds? Or set the allocation manually?

    2. Yes, you can do one rollover every twelve months. But check first if the original state gave you a state tax break when you deposited the funds – they may have a provision to recapture those taxes when you do the rollover.

  9. Silly question here. I just bought a poly pleated skirt from the Fold (the Dara). It’s lovely but I can’t figure out how to store it with the pleats – instructions just say to store flat. Can I fold or roll it up? Would hanging it really be so bad?

    1. I have a similar skirt that I just hang with a skirt hanger. I attach the two clips to the waistband and haven’t had any issue with creasing/stretching.

    2. Yeah I’d hang that. I got a similar skirt from NM and it shipped with a regular skirt clip hanger attached, but with small pieces of foam to guard against the knit being dented from the clips. Works fine.

  10. Does anyone have suggestions for slip-on rainboots for narrow feet? I really wanted the Hunter Play short boots, but I walked right out of them.

    1. Mine are a million years old, but Kamik works well for my narrower feet. Hunter is too big and sloppy.

    2. Look at Sorel and Uggs and Blondo. Blondo especially makes cute waterproof boots that are more versatile (and significantly more comfortable) than Hunters.

  11. I am at a low point in feeling confident at work. We’ve been through some substantial leadership changes, and I feel like every time that happens, the goalposts are moved. Or we’re expected to do more with the same number of people. Or I’m having to explain, again and again, my team’s contributions. I know I’m not the only person in this situation, but it’s taken a toll and has undermined my confidence. And there are more changes on the way. Yay for chaotic times in the public sector.

    How do I get my mojo back? At this point, I’m looking at the strengths I know I have and going, “meh, whatever, that’s sort of a baseline expectation of any professional, no wonder nobody cares.” I am in such a funk and it’s affecting me a lot.

    1. Lack of confidence seems like a personal insecurity that could be helped with some tools and advice. Yet the “in a funk” that you describe sounds more like what I’d call a “work depression.” Has all the change taken such a toll on you that you’re bordering on a situational depression, loss of hope, or burnout?

      1. Yeah, possibly. It’s just this perpetual feeling that what I have to offer isn’t good enough or that I don’t have the skills or expertise to do every item on their wish list. Plus, change is just exhausting and there are constant threats of budget cuts, changing priorities, etc.

    2. Um, do we work for the same company, because SAME! Following for tips, because telling my husband that I need compliment coddling is not sustainable (he’s great and gave me all sorts of words of affirmation this morning, but still)!

      1. This and re-do your resume. But seriously- since the job postings show you what is valued in the marketplace, and your resume highlights your strengths, and you apply want to show off (if you actually apply and write a cover letter) then this exercise may help you feel better about what you’ve got, even if it doesn’t make you feel better about where you’re employed now

    3. I would actually reframe–it sounds like you’ve been resilient and adaptable in the face of a ton of thrash. Sometimes, this is a sign to me that I need to find a new company. That this work situation is no longer serving me. I’d start looking for a new job. You don’t have to apply.

      Also, remember that just because colleagues have wish lists, that doesn’t mean that you or your team has the bandwidth to grant every wish or take on every project. Of course you’re setting yourself up for not meeting expectations if you try. Your job is to figure out what’s reasonable, agree on meeting those goals, and go from there. You can’t be Atlas for your company. Remember that!

    4. Do you have a mentor or other longtime colleagues to commiserate with? May be time for a long lunch or text thread, or get in touch with any career-minded friends from college or grad school and see what they’ve been up to. Friends can compliment you and remind you of your awesomeness too

  12. Remodel advice needed!
    Project: Kitchen plus office, laundry areas. Very dated and not functional. Have been saving bonuses for this.
    In major southern metro.
    Home & lot value now: approx $800k

    Interviewed several architects, contractors and a design build firm. Design-build thinks our budget needs to increase 50% for scope
    No design yet

    Pros for design-build: white glove service, single point of contact (we are busy professionals with kids).
    Cons: how do we know they’re not ripping us off? References requested and read Houzz reviews.

    Any advice or budget/scope examples to share?

    1. In my market, the low end would be $150k assuming the laundry room, office, etc are more cosmetic updates. I could see this being 200-250k.

    2. We went with a design-build contractor for our kitchen reno ($50k in a LCOL Midwest college town ten years ago) and finishing a basement, including installing a bathroom that already had a plumbing setup ($65k about seven years ago). We felt like it was very worth it for the kitchen, where the aesthetics mattered a lot and there were a lot of decisions they guided us through. They took me to the granite warehouse to pick out the actual physical slab that’s in our kitchen. They let me sketch a vision of a kitchen island and made it come to life. Etc. etc.
      We felt it was not worth it at all for the basement, and wish we’d used someone cheaper. We didn’t really care about the aesthetics of the basement bathroom that no one ever sees, and everything else was incredibly basic, just laying down carpet and putting up drywall. That said, the single point of contact was nice, as was using someone we’d worked with before and trusted to do a good job and not go way over time or budget.

    3. General rule of thumb is a kitchen reno will cost 10% of your house value, and bathrooms would be 5%. Obviously scale up or down based on the amount of custom touches and level of finishes you choose.

      Since renovations ALWAYS go over budget, I’d be a little wary about increasing the starting budget by 50%, if your other quotes have come in lower. (Unless they can offer some sort of guarantee.)

      1. The design build firm charges hourly for initial plan/design, then we would sign a fixed price contract to execute that. 1-2% variance.

        1. Oh, then maybe it would be worth it! Because I wouldn’t be surprised if costs rose 50% from the starting budget given by a contractor, if things like the exact cabinets and counters weren’t yet nailed down

      2. That doesn’t make much sense. The same house needing the same kitchen could be valued at $400K in a LCOL area and $1.4M in a HCOL area.

          1. Sorry, I don’t know what my “exactly” is referring to lol. Typing fast! I mean that the formula does generally hold because goods and labor costs vary so much, too. So the person with the $1.4M house is going to be paying much more for the same work than the LCOL people are. Obviously it’s not EXACT, but is helpful as a starting point to budget.

          2. My Midwest house would easily be worth 10 times its ~$600k value in a desirable part of the SF Bay Area. The cost of goods and labor is higher in the Bay Area, but probably no more than twice as high. Definitely nowhere near 10 times as high. It doesn’t scale, so basing the cost on a percentage of house value doesn’t make any sense to me. In VHCOL it’s the land that’s so valuable, not the house itself.

          3. Ok, maybe in the utmost expensive neighborhoods of the country this doesn’t hold. But I am in the NYC burbs and this is what my contractors have told me, and Google seems to reinforce. OP said her house is valued around $800K and a basic, but nice, kitchen would probably be about $80K.

          4. $80k is low by a factor of at least 2 for this kitchen. It’s not just replacing cabinets and backsplash: complete gut moving walls, redo electric, reconfigure, add island, etc.

          5. I don’t think it only breaks down in VHCOL areas. If anything, I think the 10% estimate works *better* in VHCOL areas than in low-medium cost of living areas, where it’s way too low. It’s very easy to spend $100k on a kitchen reno even if you’re not in the Bay Area, and the vast majority of houses in the US are not worth $1M.

      3. 10% also feels like a big underestimate to me, at least in a LCOL area where home values are lower. At the time we renovated our kitchen, it cost $50k and our 5 bed 3 bath house was only worth $350k. And while our renovation was really nicely done and improved the look of the kitchen a lot, we didn’t do anything “major” like tearing down walls or rewiring electric. I can totally see how we could have spent $100k+.

    4. Do the design build. Even if it costs more that is money well spent to have the project done well and managed professionally. That has an independent value.

    5. In the middle of something similar right now. We interviewed 4 (one design-build, 3 contractors) and “hired” 3 contractors before we ever started. I ended up terminating the first 2 before we ever paid them anything. One ghosted me for 6 weeks; the other kept leaving stuff out of our proposal and leaving it to me to figure out what was missing. Love, love, love contractor #3, though. Our budget is about $250K (will probably end up closer to $270) for a big kitchen, master math, all new ground-level floors (2500+ sq ft), new stairs and some miscellaneous stuff. That is for custom cabinets, fancy countertops ($81/ft) and white oak floors. Design-build guy was about $50K higher overall; every single component was higher, plus he added a fat design/build fee. He also was very “my way or the highway” and required a lot of stuff we did not think was necessary. We found one contractor through a decorator who loved him, but he ghosted us. Second contractor, we found through a friend. Third contractor we also found through a friend, and he’s great. We could not have GC’d this, but we do not need the design-build firm, and I am glad we did not hire them. I knew what I wanted as far as layout (we are removing one wall) and just needed someone to help with drawing up cabinet layouts, and this contractor does that. Also SEUS, outside a major city.

        1. Did you miss where the design-build firm was $50K higher, at least, and insisted on lots of things I didn’t need? And that my third contractor, and the only one to which I’ve paid any money, is amazing and doing everything I wanted but not stuff I didn’t want?

          1. Nope, not blowing through multiple contractors and all those headaches would be worth 50k to me.

    6. Design build costs more – in my area it’s about 25% more. You’re paying for the overall project management fee, plus their padding on materials. The biggest benefit is that if it’s managed well, you should be able to control costs to hit the final number better. We are interviewing DB firms now and I’m paying close attention to the ones that really dial in materials selections ahead of time, rather than vague descriptions (e.g., “scribed maple cabinets with product name” rather than “cabinets to be selected later” or that use allowances). We also are looking at who has a genuine interest in value engineering. Ask questions like – how would you cut the costs by 10%? And see how they respond. There are often options to make minor adjustments that will cut costs, and you want a partner who will be open to that.

      Have you looked at kitchen-specific firms? If you are not doing structural changes to the office and laundry room, they may be a better deal – they tend to be one-stop shop with the benefits of a DB firm.

      In my HCOL area I’d be looking at a minimum of 80-100K for what you describe, but you could go up or down depending on the kitchen size and how much custom cabinetry and fancy appliances you want.

    7. We’re in the middle of something similar but larger. New kitchen, laundry/mud, 4 new bathrooms, some drywall moves upstairs, build a new closet (structure where none exists). $550k total, probably $175k in kitchen/laundry/mud with custom cabinets made by a cabinetmaker. My first hire was the designer, a family friend. He charges $150/hour. He’s been invaluable at suggesting small, clever tweaks like rotating a toilet 90* in a bathroom that make such a difference in flow or suggesting a smart flow for the kitchen. I don’t figure we have design-build firms where we are in a rural area in the NE. I found an architect who was easy to work with – maybe $8k. It took forever to find a good contractor, but he’s amazing and handles everything. He and the designer talk to clarify any little details and we just sit back…as much as you can sit back with a project of this scale ;)

    8. My parents just bought a new home from a design-build firm in a major metro in the SE. It was not a cheap house (over 1 mil) and the quality of the construction is shockingly bad. They have had two leaks within six months of completion – one from a bathtub drain that wasn’t connected right and one from a nail that went through a water pipe. Among other issues, the framing isn’t straight. When you stand at one window and look down at the baseboards from directly above, you can see the walls are crooked with the left side 2″ off from the right. This is a firm that advertises itself as “builders of the year” in the metro area, has lots of high-end developments and a fancy show room, etc. that also provided so-called white-glove service and a single point of contact.

    9. Not sure if I had a unicorn, but I got a self-employed builder with a helper who was recommended by a friend who did a whole-house renovation for me (new and relocated HVAC, gut-job on kitchen and master bath, relocated walls and doorways, assorted other details). He lived nearby and only picked up jobs by word of mouth. He specialized in renovating older homes in my neighborhood. He drew the plans that I asked for tweaks on (e.g., more straight-up counters in the kitchen in place of an appliance garage), and worked with the Kraft Maid cabinet guy at Home Depot. We did a combination of him ordering supplies and appliances and me ordering stuff, too, like the ceiling fans, a set ceiling light fixtures, a toilet, towel bars and bathroom hooks. He sent me to the tile shop and the stone yard where he had connections, and I didn’t feel ripped off at all. The whole thing took about five months from permit pull to punch list, with just the two of them doing the demo and construction and finishing. This was about ten years ago, and it allowed me to take a foreign assignment for several years with an easily rentable home. The project began with, “let’s install central air conditioning,” and I am still pinching myself with delight at my fabulous renovated home.

    1. Capital One 360 performance savings account. I was doing short term CDs last year but CD rates don’t seem great now relative to the high yield savings accounts, and my husband has a variable salary and may make less than normal this year so we need the money more accessible.

    2. AmEx High Yield Savings Account. 3.8% APY currently. Typically the rates are similar across institutions as it’s tied to prime, so pick an organization you already have a relationship with versus starting a new banking relationship.

    3. True emergency fund in a Marcus HYSA. Other excess funds in an S&P500 ETF that we can/have sold off parts of for bigger projects

    4. VUSXX on Vanguard. It’s invested in a fund of 30-day treasuries, has a higher return than HYSA, and usually is state income tax exempt.

      1. Same.

        I do have cash in a HYSA but I can get my VUSXX in a few days so that works for me.

    5. This sounds like one of those questions on The Onion where people respond with funny answers like “the vegetable drawer so the kids don’t see it”

  13. As a lapsed Episcopalian, Bishop Budde’s sermon might just be the push I need to get my agnostic self back to church.

    Even though I haven’t practiced in a long, long time I’ve always been a huge supporter and cheerleader of the church – I love the values and how affirming it is so much.

    1. Same. I am proud of my church and especially proud of Bishop Budde and her strength and courage to speak truth to power.

      1. I loved it. I am very much an atheist, but grew up in the Episcopal church and admire the church’s values. My favorite thing about what Bishop Budde did is that you could hear a quiver in her voice. She must have been nervous, but she did it anyway. What’s the value of a platform if you don’t use it? Mad respect.

      2. I watched it in full, and also was so proud of my church. May it serve as a reminder for what the church stands for.

      1. St. John’s is “the Church of the Presidents.” Their kneelers have every president’s name on them! If Bishop Budde said no, who knows what sycophant from what church President Trump could have ended up in front of. Better for the Episcopal Church to welcome him and preach love to sin IMO.

        1. IIRC this particular church isn’t the bishop’s home church or seat. The president goes there because it is across Lafayette Square from the White House, at least on occasions. She could have let a rector or assistant rector there give a very perfunctory service, like how we have perfunctory prayers of the people where we pray for all leaders, often with a sense that some need it a lot more than others.

        2. The service was at Washington National Cathedral, which is the seat of the Diocese of Washington. It traditionally hosts a prayer service the day after inauguration for the incoming president. I go to a different Episcopal church in the diocese and the messages for the past year have been very justice-affirming and reminding us that we have an obligation to help the marginalized in our community.

      2. This is definitely a situation where you should use your position to preach, rather than back out and let some sycophant tell the president what he wants to hear. She did far more good giving this sermon than she would have bowing out.

      3. She was not “invited”. That church is her seat as Presiding Bishop. HE was in HER house.

          1. The Cathedral Church of St Peter and St Paul, commonly referred to as the National Cathedral, is in fact the seat of the Presiding Bishop of the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of America, commonly referred to as the Episcopal Church. Sorry to be so pendantic, but words have meaning and that is in fact her seat.

      4. Why?

        Whether you’re religious or not (I’m not) isn’t it the job of ministry to speak what they believe is the truth of the sermon regardless of audience?

        Do we have to insist that DJT is 100% surrounded by people who agree with him at all times? There’s a word for that…..

    2. I’m so proud of my church today. And I love what she said and how she said it.

  14. It’s time for a new couch since my new puppy recently ate my 18 year old leather sofa that has survived just about everything (and puppy is off to boarding school in a couple of weeks). I always assumed I needed to stick with leather due to having two big dogs and the ease of cleaning it, but leather seems a little out of style and all the performance fabrics are in. I know they do well with liquid spills, but for any of you that have dogs and couches in these materials, how do they do with mud or drool or other dog by-products? Would you recommend them?

    1. Personally I advocate for sofas with washable covers. I think it’s kind of unsanitary not to be able to wash all the fabric every few months. There’s also the added bonus of being able to buy a new cover if you get sick of the color/pattern. The key is to go with a major brand and a style that’s been around a long time so you won’t end up without a way to replace the cover.

    2. We have washable slipcovers, but we still cover the seat cushions by neatly tucking in blankets the exact same color as the cushions. I’ve also seen people use quilts (pieced or matelasse) for a cottage look. Our blankets aren’t really visible when you glance at the sofa, so it doesn’t mess up the look of the room for us. We take them off when we have company over.

    3. Go with leather or slip covers. There is no way to get a sofa clean if you have dogs otherwise. I like the look and ease of leather, and there’s no time the dogs can’t be on the sofa except while I’m actively cleaning it, which works for our lifestyle. But if you don’t like leather, removable covers are the way to go.

    4. If you have a ruined sofa and a puppy, even one with a few weeks of intense training, I advise to resist the urge to buy a new sofa yet. Too soon! I would wait until the puppy is at least a year, and probably 18 months. Throw a blanket or cover on, and live with what you have until you are well past the chewing stage.

  15. How long can business be quiet before I should start job hunting?
    I’m an in-house attorney whose practice is solely focused on a niche type of transaction. I joined this company 18 months ago. My understanding is that they were looking for someone for my role for about 10 months prior to me joining. The thing is that the volume and scope of transactions has been very low since I joined. While the company overall is performing well, it is widely discussed that transactions were low in 2023 and 2024. I have heard that the company anticipates a slow 25 in this space, and they are already planning for 2026. I know that transactions can be cyclical, but how long can the business be quiet before they start looking to make cuts?

    For background, there was a corporate reorg in the summer of 23 when I joined, and I have seen the company “realign” a few legal roles since that time. Company is based out of Europe. I am one of a handful of US based transactional attorneys who is a member of a decently sized global team of attorneys. I offer and make myself available for any projects that arise, but there is only so much I can do in jurisdictions where I am not licensed. One of my peers is also underutilized, and we both work remotely.

    The other thing is that I am bored, like really bored. I try and fill my day with keeping up to date on the market and trends. I keep myself organized, but at what point do I say that the writing is on the wall?

    1. Usually thinking you might need to start looking means you should already have started.

    2. Look now because you’re bored and that won’t change in the next 1-2 years. It doesn’t sound like you’re in immediate danger of being reorged – but also that you’re not definitely safe since your area will be slow for awhile. I would start a medium-paced job search now, while you can afford to be somewhat picky.

      1. Second this advice.
        I also work for a European company in a transaction-adjacent role, and sometimes business is just slow. Some sectors are really careful now with large investments and partnerships.

    3. If you had not said you were remote, I would have thought you were one of my colleagues because you 100% could be describing the job I was hired into in 2023 alongside another attorney. Kind of still wondering if you are

  16. My 10yo says she gets a headache every time she plays her flute. Her flute teacher says this sometimes happens even with advanced flute players (she is a beginner) and she needs to eventually learn how to blow slowly and breathe right, which will reduce the sinus pressure. But – reading online I do see this is a pervasive problem for musicians and could persist for years.
    She now never practices due to the headache and wants to quit learning the flute. Any tips?
    Since it is a physical problem (pain), and the flute teacher hasn’t been able to help her address it yet, I am leaning towards letting her switch to a different instrument.
    She also says she doesn’t want to learn a string instrument (because her fingers will hurt) – I don’t also want to set this up as a trend here. Piano is out (because her sibling plays it).

    1. How do you feel about drums?
      In all seriousness, learning an instrument comes with a level of discomfort because you’re training your body to do something different. I don’t get the reaction to a stringed instrument though – what about violin or cello, that uses a bow? I played for years and though I had a few calluses it was never a major source of discomfort.

    2. Why would piano be out bc her sibling plays? That’s assanine. Plus, piano is the most transferrable to other instruments, iMO, because it’s the best for learning to read music.

      1. Yeah, I’ve never heard of not letting a kid do an activity because an older sibling does it. Obviously kids shouldn’t be forced into exactly what their sibling does, but banning them from a very popular activity because their sibling does is extremely weird to me! Unless the older sibling is like a once in a generation prodigy or something and you think the comparison will be hard on the younger kid.

    3. I have a degree in flute performance and never heard of anyone’s getting a headache from playing. I don’t know how you would generate much sinus pressure blowing a flute, even improperly, because there is nothing for the air pressure to build up against the way there is with a brass instrument. The flute actually wastes an enormous amount of air that is blown out and never makes contact with the edge of the embouchure hole that generates the sound. Some beginners do get lightheaded because of the massive amount of air that is required to generate a sound. Little kids who are just starting out should practice seated for this reason.

      If she’s not enjoying the instrument, now’s the time to switch. I think parents are wise to steer their kids away from popular instruments such as the flute and towards more sought-after instruments like the oboe, the bassoon, or the viola. There is just so much competition on the flute that even the most talented, hardest-working students may be shut out of important developmental opportunities like youth orchestras. My high school had between 76 and 82 flutists each year vying for two flute slots and one piccolo slot in the orchestra. There were never more than two oboists and two bassoonists, who automatically got to play in the orchestra. In college the one violist in my theory section used to joke about how she was the only one in the class who was ever actually going to have a career performing music, and she was probably right.

      1. It’s fascinating to see the oboe as a relatively “rare” instrument — as a regular crossword solver, it seems to me that it’s everywhere! Just floating around in the sea with the eels and orcas.

        1. The oboe itself is not rare–it’s a staple of orchestral, wind ensemble, and chamber music. It’s just that oboists are less plentiful in supply than flutists.

          1. And people usually don’t start on the oboe, they start on clarinet (or sometimes saxophone). Double reeds are tricky! My mom was an oboist, but I stopped at clarinet at the urging of my band director, who wanted to keep his good clarinetists to balance out all the girls who played clarinet only so they could be majorettes during marching band season.

        2. along with oleos, arias, Bobby Orr’s last name, etc :)

          There’s a few in every high school but not nearly the same volume as trumpets, flutes, clarinets, violins, etc.

      2. Or maybe she’s not meant to be a professional flutist and just wants to have fun? I mean, I agree she can switch if she’s not enjoying it. But suggesting a switch because there’s more space in professional orchestras for non-flutists is a little cray cray to me. 99.9% of elementary school orchestra members don’t do anything with music professionally.

        1. This is a thing in regular old high schools. Band is more generous (though I went to a smaller school and there were 20ish flutes, not 80!); with orchestra, only the top X seats from band (think max 4 depending on the instrument, typically more like 2) are also in the orchestra.

        2. It’s not just about professional orchestra opportunities. It’s about high school opportunities.

        3. I’d rather be principal oboe of the high school wind ensemble and orchestra and get to play in the pit for the school musical and play in the city youth orchestra and the all-state orchestra than have equivalent skills and be 5th chair in the cr@ppy high school concert band.

      3. As an oboist growing up, I’ll add that the embouchure for oboe does not mess up orthodontia or an overbite like flutes and clarinet can.

    4. Does she really want to play an instrument? Have you tried a good youth choir program that teaches reading and sight-singing?

      As much as I’m against letting siblings compete against each other in the same activity, I would make an exception for piano. There is no better way to learn general music literacy, and basic piano skills are essential for all musicians.

      1. P.S.: If she’s interested in singing, do NOT put her in private voice lessons until at least high school. Most serious voice teachers will tell you that even 16 is early for private study. They do need a couple years of private lessons to prepare for college auditions.

    5. If she truly wants to play an instrument, time for a life lesson that you’re not always going to be comfortable and sometimes you have to suck it up.

    6. Have you talked to her doctor about the headaches? My nephew had bad migraines which were exacerbated by playing trumpet. I know that it’s different, but if the headaches are bad enough that she’s not playing her flute, it may be worth a checkup.

    7. Strings can cause fingertip tenderness until you build up callouses, which doesn’t usually take more than a few days of regular practice. Instruments with thicker or wound strings (like violin, cello, classical guitar, etc.) are going to be easier on the fingers than something like a steel string acoustic guitar.

    8. Let her quit! If she likes the sound of flutes, recorder style ones could be a fun thing, if not orchestra style. Why can’t the siblings both learn the piano?

    9. I would ask her what she would like to switch too. I played clarinet and don’t recall anything like that happening. There was some discomfort when I had braces, but I just lived with that

    10. Put her in piano lessons for a few years until she gets interested in an orchestral instrument.

    11. OP here –
      She has already self-taught some piano through an app and can play several songs. She can read music. Suffice it to say she would like to shine in an area that her sibling is not already really good at, this has been a problem with other extracurriculars too where she feels overshadowed by sibling, and it is her choice to learn a different instrument. I don’t want to go into more detail but in short, piano is out.

      I agree that there is a certain amount of challenge that comes with any instrument, or sport – but I don’t know if I should push her to continue on the flute for that reason, since the problem doesn’t seem like it will resolve soon.

      Maybe learning a stringed instrument is doable and she will get over the initial discomfort. Thank you for the tips in this regard as well as the suggestions on instruments.

      Her flute teacher is a private teacher, he says her headaches are due to breathing too much, too fast, or “hyperventilating” between notes. When I googled it I saw several discussions so it seems to be a common issue.

      She loves music and is interested in playing an instrument with a goal of eventually playing in a middle school band or playing rock/pop songs as part of a group, she’s throwing out options like “harp” / “electric guitar” right now, but hasn’t coalesced around one choice.

      1. What you are describing is not sinus headaches, it’s just normal lightheadedness from not knowing how to use the column of air. If she’s being taught properly this should go away within the first couple of months of lessons. Is this teacher an actual flutist or one of those guys who teaches flute, clarinet, and saxophone at the corner music store?

        1. Thank you flutist. The teacher indeed teaches clarinet, saxophone and flute but also releases his own music and plays jazz saxophone in a band.
          Do you think a different teacher can solve this issue and what should I look for in a flute teacher? It has been several months of lessons but my child only told me about this issue recently.
          She really loved the sound of the flute and that’s what attracted her to the instrument in the first place.

          1. Yeah, you don’t want to take flute lessons from a doubler unless the flute is his primary instrument. Several months is way too long to be having this problem. You need a teacher with at least a bachelor’s degree in flute performance, even for a beginner. I would start by looking up the flute instructors at local colleges and universities that are not known for having stellar music programs. Most of these folks will have private studios. If they don’t take beginners, they will know someone who does and refer you on. (The instructors from a high-powered college program will not take beginners and may not have private studios at all.) If your older child’s piano teacher is well connected in the local music scene, they may have some suggestions. People who are on the sub list for your local symphony orchestra, unless you are in a major market like LA or NYC, will also be good candidates.

          2. Also, the flute is really a classical instrument and proper tone and technique are taught through very boring exercises and specific repertoire that a jazz teacher won’t cover. Most jazz “flutists” have terrible flute tone and technique and are really jazz musicians who can sort of make a noise on the flute. She will never become a really good flutist by studying with a jazz teacher, and vanishingly few legitimate flute teachers can also teach jazz. If jazz is her primary interest, she should start with sax and pick up flute as a second instrument later on.

      2. Why did she choose the flute, other than wanting to outshine her sibling at something? Does she like the tone? Is she familiar with the literature? If she doesn’t love the instrument and the literature, simply wanting to win isn’t going to be good enough to motivate her.

      3. Buy her an electric guitar and a self-teaching book and see what she does with it.

      4. Oof. If her motivation is to outdo her sibling, it doesn’t matter whether she plays the same instrument or a different one. If she doesn’t have the instrinsic motivation and/or the talent she’ll never be really good or have any fun. Happened to my younger sibling, the younger sibling of an actual child prodigy I knew, and so many others.

      5. Honestly, I’d let her quit and pick literally any instrument she wants- even if she tries strings and decides to quit that too bc her fingers hurt. This seems like a low stakes way to let her make decisions, learn about what’s important to her vs not, etc. You can put parental constraints on other things (eg. “We are happy to pay for lessons as long as you practice 20 minutes a day” or “We can buy XYZ instrument if you’ll stick with it for at least 6 months” or even “learning /an/ instrument is a requirement; your choice which” )

      6. If she wants to play rock/pop songs why even learn to play flute? Guitar, drums, and keyboard/piano seem the most obvious here. Everyone in my family learned piano because it’s obviously cheaper to share so I don’t get that instinct. But, not to completely ignore her feelings on piano, learning jazz piano and organ are both different and unique types of piano skills. I also played xylophone and chimes in high school band because I was the only student who knew how to read music. Drums/percussion are also unique.

      7. If she wants to play pop or rock, I would encourage her to try the guitar. If it hurts her fingers, she can try something else.

    12. I also have a ten year old beginner flute player. He had some shoulder pain issues at the beginning but his teacher worked with him to find the right positioning and we developed techniques like practicing in front of a mirror.

      If she likes the flute, I would try a new teacher. It should not be uncomfortable.

    13. You can be a fully great person and not play an instrument. If she wants to quit flute let her. If there’s nothing else she wants to try, oh well.

    14. I grew up playing the piano and still play recreationally. But I really, really wish that I also played the guitar.

    15. I would encourage her to try the guitar next, and to sing in a choir for fun. The choir should be a seamless transition, and guitar is pretty easy to learn with YouTube videos/lessons. And playing in a band with your friends growing up is just about the most wonderful thing you can do as a kid.

      Harp… oh my goodness no. So difficult to travel to lessons/rehearsals. Almost zero opportunities to play in groups. So expensive. Just…. no.

  17. Just got engaged and planning a wedding for August (its a long weekend so family from Canada can attend) but not sure where to begin re planning. Please share your advice and any recs re venues in the Philadelphia/NJ/Delaware area? Our budget is 20 K.

      1. or if $20K is just.. your budget.. are you thinking a City Hall ceremony and then a nice dinner out for a small group? I wasn’t invited but a colleague did this and rented out the upstairs room for dinner at Vetri, which I’m sure was like a $10K dinner but probably the best food anyone has ever had at a wedding.

        1. At that budget, you’re looking probably at a Friday or a Sunday, cash bar (if you drink), or brunch. Check out Reddit or Facebook groups and start inquiring with venues. Lots of venues these days require you to go with their bar packages and/or catering or a preferred caterer. You will save money if you can bring your own alcohol, but many venues don’t allow that anymore due to liability. If you don’t drink, this is more doable, but you’ll just have to see what the going rate is in that area and what is available. August is very soon in the world of wedding planning.

        2. Just FYI, this august is very close on the scale of wedding planning, so your choices might be limited. I got engaged in December and married labor day weekend (a few years ago). We knew where we wanted to get married (a restaurant that does a lot of weddings) and when we called in early January they had only one weekend date left for all of “fall” — the Sunday of labor day weekend. It also cost 3x what I was anticipating and while I took a few days to freak out about the cost, they called to say they had another couple interested in the date and we had 24 hours to book if we wanted it.

          I would recommend that you decide your two top priorities among # of guests, budget, and date. You will have to be flexible on at least one of them. Get your venue lined up ASAP — everything else is relatively easy.

    1. Knowing that you want 100 guests, $20k is going to be really tough. Especially if you’re talking about August 2025 most of the affordable venues and vendors will be booked up already. Feeding that number of people is expensive, not even including alcohol. First identify your expenses that don’t depend on headcount: a photographer and day of coordinator will each be a couple thousand, whether you want a DJ, venue fees are usually a flat amount, if you want flowers for your own bouquet and ceremony that will be a certain amount, if you’re hiring an officiant the amount will vary. If your $20k includes outfits and rings figure out that number. Then subtract what’s left over for catering. Keep in mind the per person quote doesn’t include tips, taxes, or service fees. Calculate the number of guests you can afford to feed with the left over budget and there’s your real headcount. Bluntly I don’t think 100 people is realistic. Given your budget and timeline you may be better off slashing the headcount and booking a room at a pretty restaurant.

      Check out the subr-ddits weddingplanning and weddingsunder10k.

    2. Have you checked out places b/w Allentown and the Poconos? They all seem to be very affordable and guests could fly into Newark or Philly with a short drive. It will be cooler up by the Poconos and it’s all very much cuter than I recall from my youth (the era of motels with heart-shaped tubs). It might also be possible to rent the chapel and a tent at some of the area colleges and boarding schools that aren’t back in session until late August or September. Some of them are gorgeous.

    3. Morris Arboretum still has August 2025 availability and rates at $4k or less. I went to a wedding here over Memorial Day weekend 2022 and it was lovely.

      1. Same anon here, I should mention that the amount above is just the venue fee, obviously. I would also take a look at Winterthur in Delaware, and in NJ there’s Bowmans Hill Wildflower Preserve. Search local subreddits for budget or affordable wedding venues for more ideas.

        1. See what hotels have blocks of rooms available, since people will be traveling. Having as much of the event at the hotel as possible will help the guests and may be more affordable and will help keep things organized too. Or then you can choose a nearby venue if you need a different place

        2. lol Winterthur had a $30k minimum last I checked… 8 years ago. Delaware is not a place for budget weddings.

    4. It was a while ago now and I’m sure there’s been inflation, but we had 85 guests for around $12k and I thought our wedding was lovely and the food especially was amazing (we got so many compliments on it) so $20k for 100 people doesn’t seem completely insane to me, especially because we spent like $4k on the photographer and you could definitely cut back in that area. We had our wedding in a beautiful location (resort town in coastal New England) but not a major city. As someone else said, you may need to look at more suburban or nature-y areas within an easy drive of Philadelphia rather than the city itself. I would imagine Philadelphia is quite a bit more expensive than the Poconos.

      1. I had 75 people for brunch in a LCOL area and it was $15k six years ago. My facility has tripled their venue fee and minimums since then.

        Just FYI.

  18. Sometimes I see people say that travel isn’t really a hobby or can’t be fulfilling – I have a work trip scheduled to a slightly off the beaten path destination and I am genuinely so excited. I’ve been second guessing my love of travel because of all the stuff about how its just for show, or just to distract yourself from your life but nah, nothing about this trip is glamorous and I am so energized by it.

    1. I feel the same way about a trip I am planning around the life and works of my favorite author!

    2. My travel is not for show, because I neither try to impress my friends or colleagues with travel stories, nor do I have an Instagram account. I love my life enough to not need a distraction from it.
      If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t worry if it could be yours!

    3. The people I know who are loudest about how people only travel to escape a bad life are just jealous they can’t travel for various reasons (finances, family circumstances). I have a great life I love at home, but I also LOVE traveling and do it often. Just tune out the noise.

    4. I think travel can be just for show, and what a waste of resources and opportunity when it is. But travel can also be very enlightening and positive for one’s mental health. I always feels great after having a break from my ordinary surroundings, kind of like a dog that got to walk a new path, but I also very rarely travel so it is a real jolt to my system when I do and I always try to do something meaningful, even if it is just taking a walk or getting great food if it is just a short work trip.

      1. I’m the same with work trips – always find time to squeeze something in. And that is how I ended up in Mary Todd Lincoln’s childhood home-museum (which I loved!)

    5. Any kind of novelty can be exciting! I would love to be able to travel more- enjoy your trip!

    6. Please do what you enjoy and what brings fulfillment to your life. If they (who? Strangers on the internet?) want to be mad about it, then let them! It’s none of your concern.

  19. PSA that Tuckernuck is having its sample sale online starting today.

    I find their sizing runs short and is a bit wonky. A lot of it is final sale. But they have some cute jewelry and handbags too, and kids stuff also.

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