Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Daisy Buzz Button-Up Top
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m always a little bit wary of an item marked “final sale,” but the price on this flowered top from ModCloth was too good to pass up.
Pair this with a midi skirt for a fun, breezy, casual-Friday outfit or wear it with black pants and a white blazer for a classic black-and-white look with a little bit of a twist. If you like the style, but not the daisy print, it also comes in a green floral and solid white.
The blouse is $18.99, marked down from $55, at ModCloth and comes in sizes XS–4X.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
I missed the commenter looking for linen short sets yesterday but wanted to put in a plug for an unexpected (to me) source: I got the scalloped set from A&F and was pleasantly surprised, and the shorts are on sale right now. I haven’t shopped at A&F in years because I am reminded of going there as a teen with the shirtless guys and the overpowering cologne, not to mention their awful CEO and his gross comments, but apparently they’ve moved on and I ordered some work appropriate stuff that was better than I expected.
Oh I just bought a pair from Quince that I really like! I also bought sheets from Quince recently so I think I’m a Quince convert.
I just bought a purse and wallet from Quince. The quality was a lot better than I expected. I’m definitely interested in other Quince recommendations now.
I really like their linen clothing. I got several items last summer before a trip to Italy and really like their quality.
Their linen curtains panels are great. They’re lined and look really good, not cheap.
Abercrombie has also made significant changes in expand its size inclusivity, and has curvy cuts and multiple lengths.
Thanks! They are cute
That was me: thanks! I’ve been going back to Abercrombie for jeans (elder millennial) and their basics are good too. I’ll check this out!
Abercrombie is having a renaissance! They carry petite, tall, and curvy options for a lot of their clothes. It’s not the shirts with words or logo sweaters you’re thinking of from 2004. They’ve completely rebranded. Now they have workout gear, party dresses, and even some office wear along with basic and trendy clothes. I was shocked when I saw how much it’s changed
TW: weight loss and pregnancy loss
I just want to vent into the universe right now. In 2021, pre-baby, I weighed 135 lbs. I gained a lot during pregnancy, but last year, at a year PP, I was at 145 and feeling pretty good about it. Since then, I have had three miscarriages, which probably caused some chaos with my hormones + some emotional eating, and this morning, I was at 160, which makes me officially overweight for the first time in my life. I’m frustrated because lately I’ve tried really hard to eat well and be more active and I just feel awful about myself and feel like nothing is working. And now I’m seeing a fertility specialist who said I should really try to loose some weight and I feel so helpless. Does anyone have any resources that can guide me through this? I feel like I eat well generally but definitely am guilty of some afternoon snacking.
Hey friend. I put on thirty pounds during my long journey with IVF and infertility, so I get it.
You are going to get comments that note that outcomes are not that different for heavier women. They’re right. You should read whatever they link to. But two things you should know: (1) rapid weight gain is harder on your body and joints, and (2) rapid weight gain can correlate with insulin resistance, which can both make losing the weight harder and make fertility and pregnancy outcomes worse.
For (1), I want you to focus on functional movement and strength training. Yoga, stretching, walking—all great. Lifting weights, even better. I use and like Nourish Move Love’s free content, and she has prenatal classes that will work for you when (when!) you need them.
For (2), talk to your RE about testing your A1C to check where it’s at and whether starting something like Ovasitol is right for you. From there, the primary goal I would have would be reducing simple sugars and things with a high glycemic index. Focus instead on proteins and healthy fats, fiber via vegetables, and grains that make your body feel good (mine likes quinoa).
You were in the room, so you know how the RE phrased the conversation, but if it wasn’t kind and considerate, I would also consider switching REs. Not because of the content of the information, which I do think doctors need to share with their patients, but because your RE will almost certainly deliver more hard truths at some point, and you want to trust that they will do so in a way that is not needlessly harmful to you.
Also, I’m very sorry for your losses. It sounds like it’s been a rough road, and you’ve reacted in the way MANY other women do. I know I felt alone and ashamed, but it is really common and normal to have had this trajectory. I just wanted to make sure you heard that.
I am not the original poster, but I just wanted to say that this is a beautifully kind and supportive comment.
Sort of. It still lays the blame on OP for something that may have nothing to do with weight. It also introduces new worries (insulin resistance, which she probably doesn’t have). If those miscarriages were due to repeated genetic abnormalities or a clotting disorder , insulin has nothing to do with it.
This comment is so silly. I don’t say miscarriages are caused by rapid weight gain. I say that rapid weight gain has knock-on consequences, both of which I’ve personally experienced as someone who has been in OP’s shoes, and I advise OP to talk to her doctor about the more medical of the two.
How is your advice going to get her pregnant?
Weight gain can be a symptom. No one is blaming OP. I am blaming this doctor if they made an off hand recommendation without appropriate testing.
…I had forgotten how elbows out the commentariat here has gotten. But to make my point clear for OP:
Being pregnant with weak joints from rapid weight gain is really painful. I just did it. I developed severe SPD I am still recovering from. Insulin resistance increases her risk of gestational diabetes and yes, can increase difficulty with things like egg retrievals and transfers.
I don’t know what caused her losses and did not presume to give advice on that front.
I won’t be responding to you further, but I’m very sorry for whatever is making you feel the need to be so combative today.
Please stop looking for problems and be kind. This is great advice from someone who has experienced similar circumstances.
Advice is just another persons perspective. I have a couple of thoughts but, as I didn’t go through fertility issues, it isn’t something for me to post on. Your post wasn’t supportive to the OP or the poster kindly sharing their experience.
I’m entitled to comment on any thread I want – especially when I’ve experienced miscarriages that have had jack sh*t to do with my weight. Everyone knows that when they comment here, not everyone is going to agree with them and that’s the risk they take.
Absolutely agree. You can feel compassion in Peloton’s post.
OP, I’m so sorry for your losses and grief. Internet hugs.
This is a shocking amount of medical information for you to be prescribing to a stranger whose fertility issues likely have nothing at all to do with her weight, friend!
+1000.
Joint pain and insulin resistance are both two very common side effects of rapid weight gain, friend! Weird to want women who have been in similar circumstances to not communicate openly. My comment doesn’t suggest that her losses were caused by her weight gain (at all). It just describes the impacts a similar weight gain had on my body and tells her to talk to her doctor.
+1
I appreciated this information a lot. Learning from other people who have been through similar health challenges has been incredibly useful over the years. Doctors just don’t spend enough time with us, educating us, and are more likely to wait until a medical problem becomes more severe than working on early prevention.
It’s such a myth that being mildly overweight will definitely lead to joint pain and other medical problems. It’s just part and parcel of the whole industry trying to give us more reasons to be concerned about weight loss and buy more diet packages. Adding to the veneer of “it’s for your health” scares people into action.
It’s also a myth that smoking “will definitely lead” to lung cancer. Please trying to gaslight people who have experienced harm from weight gain.
+stop
May no one ever tell you that your lived experience is “such a myth.” How deeply invalidating and unhelpful.
It was just that – YOUR experience. MY experience is that doctors will blame weight for everything under the sun, even when it can be 100% ruled out. Don’t come in here expecting your every word to be validated or you’re going to be disappointed.
I have nothing nice left to say to you, so I’ll do what I said earlier and not respond further. I hope you find a less combative headspace eventually. I know it must suck to be so on edge on this topic, and I’m sorry that’s where you’re at right now.
She’s not on edge or suffering she just thinks you’re wrong and rude. It’s not a pathology.
Yup. I think Peloton is wrong and that this is an area where women have gotten terrible advice for too long. That’s it. It’s no big mystery or secret.
Lol. She is definately over the edge. Too much drinking, smoking and eating is not good for our health. Tell yourself different but that won’t make it less true.
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. I haven’t been pregnant, but I dealt with awful fibroids, hormonal issues, and a hysterectomy, which over the course of several years also took me from 135 to 160. I felt so awful about myself. And my emotional eating got so much worse because I felt terrible about myself, which led to more emotional eating…
I’m happy to say that six months from my highest weight, I am now at 150 and still losing. I’m losing SO slowly it’s almost imperceptible (barely a 1/2 pound a week!) but just this week I really began to notice how much better I was feeling. I just feel bursting with health and well-being, which I did not feel when I was at a higher weight and eating my feelings every night. Here’s what I did:
1. Recognized that the weight didn’t come on overnight, so it won’t come off overnight, either. It came on very slowly over 2-3 years. So I’m going to just adopt healthier habits each day and remember the way I used to look, feel, eat, and move when I was at a healthier weight.
2. Being active was never a problem for me. I loved working out and all kinds of fitness classes. However, once I hit 160, I really noticed the extra weight. My legs rubbed together when I tried to run. My joints hurt from the impact. I realized I needed to get my weight down to a healthier level so I could enjoy working out more and feel my best. So I still did my workouts, but I focused less on performance and more on just maintaining that habit, knowing that they would get easier as I battled my real demons… see #3.
3. Acknowledged that I have a problem with emotional eating. Some people drink too much, some people shop too much — for me, it’s solo late-night eating. When I feel like I can’t stand my life or the world or whatever, I eat. I would just have a bag of chips or cereal or crackers or cookies out and reach my hand in numbly, without any feeling, and eat until I felt stuffed and awful. It affected my sleep and I would wake up the next day feeling bloated, puffy, and like my blood sugar was off. It truly was like an addiction. I realized that the only way to cope with my problems was to learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. I journaled, made tea, painted my nails, went for a walk–all non-food ways of coping or occupying myself. I wasn’t able to stop it overnight, and I still occasionally do it, but I was able to get a consistent streak of NOT doing it going. For the first month, that was all I focused on. Just getting through one more day of not binging. The less I did it, the easier it became to not do it. And I started to notice how much better I felt when I stopped.
4. Meal planning whenever possible. Not the fancy Instagram kind of meal planning, just more like ideas of healthy, easy meals I can fix with zero thought or advance prep work. I always have these in the back of my mind. Tuna/cannellini bean salad. Eggs with feta and spinach. A healthier Trader Joe’s Indian microwave meal. I focused on getting veggies and protein with every meal and that really helped. Sometimes even just a peanut butter banana sandwich with sides of cut veggies and fruit.
5. Remembered to drink so much water. I realized that I had almost stopped drinking water during my terrible states of emotional eating. Drinking water and stopping binging made HUGe differences for my skin, my sleep, and my overall well-being. I mix it up—seltzer over mint and chopped strawberries, lemon water, cucumber water, every flavor of La Croix or Waterloo that exists–my fridge is a rainbow of bubbly waters and that helps make it more fun.
6. This takes time, and you will need to celebrate small victories. Take your current measurements and measure again in a month. I noticed changes in my measurements and how clothes fit WAY before the scale indicated much of a difference. The hardest part about slow, steady, consistent weight loss is that you don’t always get the immediate validation you crave, and then you assume you’re failing and overeat and then you really ARE several steps behind. Stick with the plan and trust the program. You’ve got this.
Rooting for you!
This is a lovely response. I, too, struggle with emotional eating and feel a lot of shame about it. I’m working on it, but am definitely a work in progress.
Your weight may have nothing to do with it and that doctor should shut up. I got pregnant on the first try three times while being overweight every single time (and in mid-30s, gasp). It’s not a problem until it’s proven to be a problem. I’m sorry for your losses.
+1 me too and I was heavier than you when I got pregnant with my 2nd. 5’3, 185.
Yes. If you look at the data there is a point where weight is a fertility problem. At any height it is no where close to 160lbs
Exactly this. My guess is that she’s 5’7. (I’m 5’8 and 164 is when I am “overweight.” At 150 with a lot of muscle, age 43, I don’t have trouble finding people who think I’m a total chonk. LOL, okay.)
Making her feel ashamed, guilty, and stressed about her weight is probably causing more problems than not having a model body. For heaven’s sake!
+1 to all this. OP, I’m so sorry for your losses. It makes me a so angry that there’s this pressure to be thin while our bodies are trying to bulk up a little for protection during pregnancy and losses.
My doctor (also for fertility issues) has said to switch to all full-fat dairy and not worry about being a little overweight, so obviously experts can disagree.
I wish you all the best and hope you can feel better at this weight if you aren’t able to get to your preferred weight right now.
I am so sorry for your losses, and the pain that you are carrying about your body. You don’t mention how old you are, but the combination of pregnancy hormones and not being in my 20s anymore has made it a lot harder to lose weight than before. My kid is 5 and I finally threw in the towel and asked for a GLP-1, which is the first time in 5 years that I’ve had success (and not for lack of trying!).
I also want to echo the comment about making sure that your RE is on your team. There is a practice near me (DC) that is notorious for encouraging anyone overweight to lose weight before they start a fertility regimen, because allegedly they want to keep their success rate up and this self-selects out people with additional risk factors.
Shady Grove? No one should be going to a private equity owned fertility clinic.
Unless you’re going to one affiliated with a university, I think it’s pretty hard to find an alternative these days…
I’m obese and went to shady grove. They never encouraged me to lose weight, and never even mentioned my weight
Are you seeing a reproductive endocrinologist? If so I’m very surprised they’d be telling you your weight is a serious problem and encourage you to get a second opinion.
Also, please try to be more thoughtful. You do not need to share your actual weight numbers. They don’t matter to your post except to make the point that your High Weight of Horror is in fact not that much at all.
Yep, the woman painfully describing her multiple miscarriages needs to “be more thoughtful,” and the woman responding to this post basically just criticizing how she’s framing the issue does not. (By “the woman,” I mean you, in case that’s not clear.)
Be more thoughtful next time, friend!
You’re not really in a position to criticize anyone else on this thread. The comment you’re responding to has far better advice than yours.
It was clear. And I’m a woman struggling with fertility at 80lbs heavier than her, which my doctors believe has nothing to do with my weight, and I’m also a woman who has been living in society and has some awareness of the fact that other people read what you write on the internet and it is not compassionate or necessary to share your weight numbers. You can go dig in quicksand “friend”.
I’m very sorry you can’t read other people’s weight numbers without being bothered by it. That must suck. How ironic that you tacitly shared your own weight in this comment!
Wow I thought Peloton was supposed to be a kind supportive community. Guess not.
No, this comment didn’t just criticize her. It told her, correctly, that the evidence is not there that her weight is a problem, encouraged her to be getting advice from a doctor, and encouraged her to advocate for herself if all the doctor is seeing is weight. And also gently reminded her to be considerate of others.
She absolutely should get that second opinion – and read the Minnesota article below. Women need to demand more than “it just happens” and “maybe you should lose weight.”
There are docs who only see weight, and they’re no good. I am overweight, sometimes by a small amount sometimes by a large amount. I’m on the smaller side right now. But even so I went to a primary care doctor for an ear infection, which is an ongoing problem of mine, and all she talked to me to me about was my weight. Didn’t even treat the ear infection. Barely looked in my ear and said “I don’t see anything” and then showed me a BMI chart
I had to urgently go see an ENT, who confirmed an ear infection That was the last time I saw that primary care doctor. There are better docs out there.
Peloton, your up-thread comments were obnoxious. You need to stop doubling down maybe get off the peloton & touch grass.
That said, 10:11 criticizing a woman going through unexplained miscarriages for mentioning the actual numbers of her weight is also obnoxious. I wish people could just be nice here.
It really sounds like some people here are offended by medicine.
Insulin resistance can cause hunger, overeating (for those of us who have lives to live and can’t just let our blood sugar drop to the point where it interferes with our abilities), weight gain, and it can reduce fertility. Adipose tissue itself is endocrinologically active (and having enough can really help with fertility, but not always).
I think it’s inappropriate for a physician to advise weight loss in the context without further testing and without medical support (and most people can’t just “lose weight” because a doctor said to). But it would also be inappropriate to do no testing if someone experienced rapid weight gain.
I think what people are offended by is weight concern tr*lling masquerading as medicine. OP did not share that she is experiencing insulin resistance or that she has any reason to believe she is. You all diagnosed her with that when she said she’s struggling emotionally after three miscarriages. That is completely unhelpful and not based in “medicine.”
Miscarriage treatment requires actual investigation, compassion, and a lot of time. A lot of us are really sick at doctors taking the easy way out and pointing at weight – even for people who aren’t already distressed and suffering.
1/3 adult Americans is prediabetic, so the threshold for testing anyone in the USA who has recently gained weight should be low. Weight gain is a symptom, not a cause. Doctors are dropping the ball when they blame weight gain or advise weight loss without any medical investigation or support.
Many women are insulin resistant, including many thin women. Rapid weight gain is both a symptom and a potential cause of insulin resistance. Suggesting that a woman experiencing rapid weight gain (who has said that she has hormonal issues in her post!) work with her reproductive endocrinologist to do basic endocrinological testing really, really should not be this upsetting to you. If her endocrinologist thinks it isn’t indicated, I’m sure the testing won’t happen.
Very rich to call someone obnoxious while calling for niceness, especially when Peleton merely shared her own experience Good grief.
I’m sorry if seeing numbers was upsetting for some people. I guess I could have made the post without the numbers. Just for context, I didn’t necessarily mean a “high weight of horror”, just wanted to give a sense of what the evolution was and the point that based on the BMI index, which I realize is flawed, I am now “overweight”, which is why the RE gave me that talk on the first appointment.
I was underweight at about 110 -115 when I got pregnant, likely because I smoked. Went up to 140 and settled to about 125 after. Then I quit smoking and am now 170 and 5’4. I hate it because it is hard to find clothes in my size in most stores. Also know that the weight around my belly is not healthy and that it likely contributes to my apnea. Probably more healthy that when I smoked.
I really hope the fertility specialist ordered a lot of tests to see what’s going on with your insulin and blood glucose. Weight and hormones can affect one another for sure (thinner is not always better for fertility though). I have PCOS, so I really do need to work on this, but the underlying issue is medical, not lifestyle, and needs medical treatment, even though I’ve also had to adjust my diet (for me that means limiting high carbohydrate foods which were very clearly an issue for me when blood glucose testing; these days they have continuous glucose monitors that can make this kind of diet testing a breeze).
Are continuous glucose monitors invasive? Do they have to be prescribed by a doctor. Thanks!
I wouldn’t say so; they’re sort of a patch? There may be a pinch when putting it on, and then it just stays on for as long as it lasts. I didn’t think it was any bigger deal than something like a Zio patch.
They currently have to be prescribed by a doctor, but they’re going OTC soon. Insurance often won’t cover them vs. finger prick testing. Costco sometimes has good prices for out of pocket.
They may not be indicated for someone whose insulin and fasting glucose are all fine, but they can identify patterns missed by A1C. Whether to do a CGM or a glucose tolerance test can be a decision in some circumstances (glucose tolerance test is a big pain and not cheap either, though it’s more traditional).
The hope in making them available OTC is that they’ll be more accessible for preventive use (like for patients with PCOS, prediabetes, insulin resistance, metabolic syndrome, etc. trying to figure out their diets, since it’s turning out that what spikes someone blood sugar can be more individual than we expected).
Reading this again, I’m freshly angry that your lazy af doctor pointed to weight in lieu of any actual evidence or sleuthing. Your miscarriages happened at lower weights, right? So how is your higher weight now to blame?
You may already be familiar with this very important article, but just in case you’re not: https://www.statnews.com/2023/08/31/miscarriage-rates-research-prevention-treatment/
It’s “No longer brushed off: A Minnesota clinic tries to rewrite medicine’s approach to miscarriage.”
I have been there, and it’s hard and stinks. It adds another insult to an already frustrating situation. In your shoes, it may be well worth talking to a dietician or nutritionist to get some specific guidance.
First step – go buy a pair of pants, dress, whatever you feel great in and ignore the size. Second, do not beat yourself up about the number on the scale. If you are active, and have a lot of muscle, it is entirely possible that you are merely in the category that the BMI category of overweight just doesn’t work for. I am one of those people and it took me a long time to accept that. So, here is my way of saying if you want to eat healthier because you feel better (sleep, digestive) when you do, that’s a good reason. But, don’t do it just because of the arbitrary BMI line.
I like MyFitness pal. I just use the free version and it provides enough information for what I need.
Is it just ok for your weight to be not the focus of your life right now? You’ve had 3 miscarriages and your hormones are moving a lot. Like, weight is a number, not a value judgement.
+100. I don’t think it needs to be a focus in any way and that it’s not a problem to be solved right now. Be kind to yourself and find a new doctor who can give you the time and attention you deserve for the losses you’ve suffered.
It should probably be OK, and to be honest I was kind of ignoring it because there is a lot going on, but now I’m seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and as I mentioned below it’s the first thing he brought up. I also struggle more with body image in the summer – all of last year’s summer clothes are tight, I don’t like how I look in a bathing suit, we go on long walks and I feel winded, I was in a wedding a few weeks ago and seeing myself in the pictures was not a great experience.
The worst thing you can do when you’ve gained weight is to keep wearing your old clothes. It’s like a constant daily torture. It’s a kindness to yourself to buy a few things in the next size up. Doing so has the benefit of allowing you to focus on other things that are more important for a while, which can be such a break mentally.
I think you could give yourself some more grace.
The way you look in pictures is less important than how you felt in the pictures- you had a great day at the beach! You saw old friends and celebrated a friend getting married!
You can just go clothes shopping and get a few outfits that suit your body right now without feeling like you’ve failed yourself.
If you’re suddenly getting winded on walks would be a thing to check with a doctor about, but if it’s just lack of exercise, go for more walks.
(and I shake fists at medical training program fatphobia- hormones change your body and you’ve been through the ringer).
You have gone through one of the worst experiences that can happen to a person three times!! Give yourself some grace. A big huge from this stranger and lots of love to you. What works for me is only eating from 12-7pm, choosing protein when possible, and some kind of strength training. I like the Cathe Friedrich videos. I do them at home when the baby is asleep. Whatever you choose put it in your calendar just like any other appointment and do it at least 3 times a week. Don’t feel awful about yourself. The scale is a measurement not a value judgement on you as a person.
Hi all, I’m the OP for this thread and I really appreciate everyone’s comments. I don’t know if there’s anything going on medically – I just had a ton of bloodwork done and am waiting for the results. I know the link between weight and fertility is controversial, and I think my doctor was trying to be tactful but I don’t love that it’s the first thing he told me before I’ve had any results. But I want to loose weight regardless because I just don’t feel good – as others have noted I’m out of breath, my thighs rub in summer clothing, I want to be in better shape generally. I really appreciate anyone’s experience and thoughtful advice.
I’m so sorry that’s the first thing he told you – that’s so wrong. He doesn’t have any bloodwork to point to and just sees you through the lens of “overweight.” Take it from me – you need a new doctor.
That’s unacceptable from him! Book in for a second opinion. Thinking of you.
I’m just shocked. I went through infertility and IVF a few years ago, and had a similar weight trajectory but actually weighed more than you when I went to see an RE finally. My RE never brought up my weight. He did suggest that if I had PCOS (we never confirmed), a particular diet might benefit. But he never suggested I lose weight. I know you have so much going on and I am so sorry for your losses. But just adding my two cents that I’m already not a fan of this RE.
First, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the secrets thread yesterday afternoon. Everyone was so supportive and helpful to each other. I know things get nasty here sometimes, but this is still a great community and yesterday was a good example of that.
Second, to the person worried about screen addiction, I recommend the app Jomo. You can set up rules with limited breaks to block certain apps or categories of apps. I have a rule set up for weekdays that helps keep me off my phone. It took me a little while to get it finetuned, and it’s not perfect, but I’ve found it much more functional and effective than the built-in Apple screen time features.
I think I am being paranoid, but how do I know whether forgetfulness/spaciness is pathological or whether it’s to be expected with normal aging or menopause or just having a lot on my mind?
I have not forgotten anything important. I haven’t blown a court deadline or missed a plane or spaced a major family event. But yesterday I sat in a pedicure chair staring at Natalie Portman on the TV monitors and knew I recognized the actress but could not remember her name until the credits. This sort of thing happens pretty often. I sent an email yesterday about interpretation of a contract and the recipient forwarded me an email chain from four months ago in which I asked the same question and received a clear answer. I send and receive hundreds of emails; is this normal? I have zero memory of the exchange. I will start to forward a silly meme to one of my kids and then stop myself because have I sent it before? I worry that I am repeating myself.
Is this normal? Am I a menopausal woman or “boomer lite” caricature? If I were to get this checked out, who would I see and how would they evaluate me? I feel compelled to say I have never been the hypochondriac type (no criticism to those who are; it is a real thing) but I am definitely prone to anxiety. It has just never been focused on my own health.
I once heard that it’s not a problem if you forget WHERE your keys are, it’s a problem when you forget WHAT keys are.
I am having moments where I have trouble accessing a memory – like, I know who that actor is, but can’t get the name out. And there have been times it takes me three tries to come up with the word “printer” but I know what a printer is.
I figure at this stage in life (56 years) there is so much information in my head it’s going to take a second to access what I need.
I think that’s pretty normal as you get older and busier. There are only so many things your brain can hold onto at any given time, and Natalie Portman’s name just isn’t that important. As long as you remember who she is once reminded of her name, I wouldn’t really worry.
I think this is pretty common, especially during perimenopause and menopause. I’m about to try hormone replacement therapy to see if it helps with the brain fog issues – I’ll report back in a few weeks.
I would get checked out for peace of mind purposes, but I have family history of both Alzheimer’s and brain cancer. I think I’d likely get checked out without those, but I’ve seen how helpful early detection is on both, so I’d want the peace of mind.
(This is not to say you have either, obviously, just sharing why I would do what I would do! I’d honestly be more concerned about sleep apnea or something in your situation. But good to get checked out!!)
Are you also having trouble finding words when speaking? Are you on any anxiety meds? Any sleep issues going on? I personally would keep an eye on this and related symptoms. A lot of people will say this is normal, but so is medical neglect. When I had this symptom, it very gradually got worse before they figured out the cause, but it was entirely treatable when they did.
This is pretty normal for this stage of life.
It can be a reminder, if you are in perimenopause, to make sure you are up to date with your well woman care with your primary care doctor. Optimizing sleep, minimizing stress (haha), exercise, eating well etc… become more and more critical as you approach menopause to help with the transition. But also things like thyroid changes on top of the hormonal ones can kick in at this stage, so a good PCP should be watching for this as well.
And you should consider starting the conversation with your PCP/GYN about menopause/perimenopause – what symptoms to expect and when, and eventually – when/if you should start hormone replacement therapy. And if your doctors are dismissive…. find another specialist to keep the conversation going.
We are realizing now that we screwed up by depriving a generation of women from hormone replacement – particularly during the early years of perimenopause/menopause, as the risks of HRT were overestimated in the early studies and now the benefits are clear. Hormone replacement can improve your sleep/mood/skin/bone strength and cardiovascular health. Remember most of us will die of a cardiovascular cause. It also will protect us from colon cancer and may reduce our risk of Alzheimer’s disease, OP, which I do not think you have either!
This exact thing is happening to me too (and it’s jarring because I typically have an excellent memory) and my OB/GYN said it’s very common in perimenopause (I’m 45) and should pass as I hit menopause. I’m hoping that’s the case because it’s really annoying and frustrating to say the least.
I agree that this is part of getting older and busier. I also found that starting to take Vitamin B12 daily made a noticeable difference to the brain fog. YMMV.
What are your thoughts on accepting BigLaw summer associate offer on the spot? Does it look overeager/desperate and is it better to play the game and say you’ll sit on it for a few days (even if sure this is your top choice)?
My daughter accepted hers on the spot and has no regrets. She loved her time there and since salaries are pretty much set in stone for first-years, she accepted as soon as they handed her the letter on the last day of the job last summer.
I have always looked more favorably on people who accept on the spot than the thinkers, especially since there’s nothing to negotiate.
Totally fine to accept on the spot. The main reason to delay is to negotiate salary, which is not a thing for first year associates.
What’s the point of playing a game? The terms of employment are non negotiable. You gain nothing by waiting to accept.
yes, I would prefer a world with more overeager people who are less obsessed with appearing cool and superior. They make good friends and coworkers.
Fine to accept on the spot, and the people making the offers get bragging rights for immediate acceptances.
Agree, accept on the spot unless there’s another firm in play. Do you have any questions about the job? You have the entire summer to answer them.
I don’t like or advise actually making decisions on the spot, but in this case, it’s possible to make the decision ahead of time and accept on the spot.
If you know you want that firm, I would accept on the spot.
I had a super uncomfortable experience where I was deciding between two firms when I had offers from both. Firm A invited me out to dinner, and I took the opportunity to set up reverse interviews at Firm B for the following day so I could decide quickly. At the Firm A dinner, the other 3 candidates accepted at the beginning of dinner and the associates/partners at the dinner spent probably 30+ minutes asking me to accept on the spot/making fun of me for not doing so/making fun of the other firm I was considering. They asked me again at the end of dinner and I rejected them on the spot instead. Joined Firm B with no regrets!
It is completely possible to do it and appear confident or to delay and appear desperate! It’s really all in the delivery. You got it.
Just saw the 30 and might not be straight secret from yesterday . . . I get that. I say I’m demisexual but also what if its just that its not guys I’m into? Feels late to be figuring things out especially since there was never any stigma or bias or anything where I was preventing me from exploring before
I don’t think it’s ever too late. My MIL was married to my FIL, and then started dating a woman when my husband was a teenager. My work best friend is 35 and moved cities and realised he liked men, and is very happily dating a very nice man. He hadn’t ever had a real inkling before.
I’m 40 and I’ve only ever dated and hooked up with men but also, collectively, I hate men and really wish I were a lesbian but like how do you start?
By being into women.
I’m feeling old now because coming out in middle age or later is a classic lesbian/bi trope. You’re only 30! That’s far from late.
Yeah I’m 30 and I’m probably bi but I’ve only ever been with men and I wouldn’t know how to start with women?
Or, I don’t think I’d know if I’m into women until I’m with one. And I don’t want to have to walk it back? I’m scared enough to make any step towards dating a woman but even more scared about walking it back?
I’m not scared of coming out I’m scared of being bad at going down on a woman.
Honestly, I might think it is easier to learn, and…. I suspect your partner will be a better teacher.
Isn’t willingness to do that like 60% of being good at it?
I think it’s a spectrum and we all just fall somewhere on the spectrum. And maybe we shift a bit on the spectrum at certain times in life.
Society makes being straight easier, so I think people default to that unless they feel strongly.
I agree completely with this.
I one thousand percent agree with this. I think everyone is pretty much a little bit bi.
And a heteronormative society makes it “easier” to be straight.
I can’t wait for a time when no one has to come out. You just date who you date (whether it’s one gender exclusively or both) but it’s not just assumed that everyone’s straight and you have to come out if you’re not.
For me personally it shifts a lot if I go on or go off the pill.
interesting, in which direction??
I consistently lose interest in men and am much more interested in women on the pill. So I guess it’s either amazing contraception or not particularly helpful contraception depending on how I look at it!
I swear, at least half of my friends’ daughters are not straight (lesbians, bi, whatever) and it makes me wonder how many of our generation would have been not-straight if it had been as okay then as it is now.
How do I feel better about my job?
The well has been poisoned by someone who retired a year early after I, as his new supervisor, figured out he hadn’t been doing his work for years and just covering it up. I held him accountable, he chose to retire a year before he had planned, to avoid doing the work, something he openly admitted to to myself and to my boss. He is still friends with my boss, who is friends with her boss. Since this decision to retire early, my previously good relationship with my boss is gone and a previously silent grandboss is now disrespectful to me. They give me tasks, have me get months into deep time-consuming work, then cancel the tasks. They have me apply for conferences, then when I’m accepted tell me they’ll no longer fund them, making me lose opportunities and look unreliable. I’m happy to do whatever they want, I get the realities of hierarchy, but how do I do this when things just keep changing?
I’m applying for other jobs, but my field isn’t high paying and right now I have additional part-time income gigs. Most jobs won’t let a person work elsewhere simultaneously like this job does, which makes me feel trapped here.
I care so much about my work and I am throwing away months of effort on project after project, event after event which they tell me (in writing) to do and then cancel when I’m deeply invested and often have others on board too. I’m sick of daily overwhelm and sadness about this but don’t know how to care less. Jumping hierarchy to my great grandboss is likely just going to p off the boss and grandboss more.
My dream job is actually a nightmare. Advice or support or stories of thriving would help.
I would dream bigger. Leave your field. Find one full time job that you can live on. At least identify what it could be and work towards that
Your theory sounds off to me. I’ve worked with plenty of people I like as people who weren’t pulling their weight and left my company for various reasons. Most managers can see the difference between good worker and good person. I agree with the poster who said dream bigger. A dream job that’s so low paying that you need side gigs isn’t a dream job. Stop making the mistake so many women do of staying in a low paying field or position and go get some real power and ability to care for yourself.
Sounds like your boss and your grand boss liked things the way they were, and regard you as this pushy interloper who came in and shoved their friend out of the company. I think it’s time for you to find a new job.
Yeah, sadly it doesn’t sound like this situation is sustainable.
You learned an unfortunate lesson about forcing out a long-time employee. It does not help to be right when your superiors were perfectly happy to let said long-time employee coast to retirement. Unfortunately, they are not likely to forgive you and you should really be looking for another job unless they are themselves close to an exit. In the meantime, document and do whatever you can to placate them (and stop actually applying for the conferences unless you are prepared to self-fund for networking purposes).
And let this thread be a lesson to relatively new employees who want to come in and rock the boat. You might be completely correct – but figure out the politics before you make waves. Because sometimes you win the battle and lose the war.
I agree with this. Especially with regards to getting rid of a problem employee, you’re either being brought in to clean house or you’re being asked to deal with the situation (manage around them, keep bad behaviour in line). I imagine letting their friend coast to retirement was part of the job description, unfortunately.
Obviously you find a different job.
Happy Friday!
Long shot but looking for a PCP rec in Burlington, VT, for my daughter. She’s on the UVM health insurance plan but we would go out of network.
Thanks!
Can someone who is experienced with gaining muscle mass tell me how it works and how fast. What are you supposed to be doing other than lifting at least 3x a week and eating 1 gram of weight of protein per day? What is a reasonable pace of gain (e.g. how long would it take to gain 1 lb of muscle)? How do you know if you are making progress?
My physical therapist told me that it would take at least 6 weeks to begin to see results.
You know you are making progress if you can gradually increase the amount of weights you are lifting. Visual gains can signal as well. You need progressive overload (increasing weight to the max you can do) in order to build muscle, especially over 30. Aim for 3 sets 8-10 reps where the last set you are struggling to finish or can’t finish.
I don’t know what is “normal” but I gained 3 lbs of muscle over 5 mos when I started lifting (age 46) and was also losing weight (slowly) at the time.
That’s impressive!
How do you know when you are making progress? When you can comfortably lift your luggage into the overhead bin. Less flippant answer, how quickly you gain muscle really depends a lot on genetic factors – some people can quickly do it, and others it takes time. It also depends on how much of a calorie deficit (if any) you are in – when your body is well fueled it is easier. I swear my husband can just look at a squat rack and gain muscle. Consistency and slowly increasing your weight really helps. I would suggest focusing on functional goals – squatting, balance, picking stuff up and you will start to notice differences in probably about a month.
I actually love your flippant answer and this is now my goal! I am so tired of not being able to lift my own luggage.
I’m 38 and have been lifting progressive overload 3-4x a week for 16 weeks now. I went from 125 lb to 130 lb in those 16 weeks. That may not seem like much but I look and feel 100% better. I’m also not eating particularly well (I have toddlers) but I prioritize getting protein. I’m also drinking a moderate amount of alcohol, which doesn’t help muscle gains or sleep. I’m at the point now where I need to decide whether I’m going to really get disciplined or just ride the “good enough” train. I also need to prioritize not getting injured: 4x a week for 16 weeks has me pretty fatigued, tbh. If you’re just starting, you may make gains quickly, but try not to lose heart if you don’t. This is a long-term process.
I’ve been told about 1 lb of new muscles every 1-2 months for women, and 1-2 lbs of new muscles for men every month with the protein and strength building support.
Agree with needing to do the progressive overload – 3 sets of 8-12 reps, where the last reps on the last set are a struggle. And being consistent about doing your time per week.
Also – get enough sleep and take your recovery days. More is not more here. The muscle building happens during the recovery, not the weightlifting. The lifting stimulates the body to say “I need more muscle”, but you have to give it the time and resources and rest to do that.
Check out structured beginner lifting programs like LIFTOFF (Casey Johnson) or Rise (Jason and Lauren Pak). They have the pace of gain built in so you don’t have to worry if you are progressing or adding weights correctly. You will likely have “noob gains” once you get going – a lot of progress early on – but expect at least 4-6 weeks to see any real change.
What are your favorite pump-you-up songs? I need to get back to my workouts and need some new music.
I have a whole playlist for this called “Main Character Energy” in my Spotify :) Basically, anything that makes me want to get up and dance, but a few on the list include:
Cut to the Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen
Upside Down – A*Teens
What Dreams are Made Of from the Lizzie MaGuire Movie (big Millennial vibes haha)
Raise Your Glass – Pink
That’s My Girl – Fifth Harmony
I’m 40 but I’m obsessed with Olivia Rodrigo’s GUTS album and there are a lot of great fast paced songs on there. So American is my favorite at the moment.
Classic Motown. It makes a workout feel more like dancing.
I saw a post the other day abut the songs that are proven to get you in a better mood. I don’t know about the actual study, but I took a screenshot of the list because I think it’s accurate:
– “Don’t Stop Me Now”, Queen
– “Dancing Queen”, ABBA
– “Good Vibrations”, Beach Boys
– “Uptown Girl”, Billy Joel
– “Eye of the Tiger”, Survivor
– “Livin’ on a Prayer”, Bon Jovi
– “I Will Survive”, Gloria Gaynor
– “Walking on Sunshine”, Katrina and the Waves
My current pump-up song on repeat is: “Pink Pony Club” – Chappell Roan
Bad Girls by M.I.A.
Little Red Corvette by Prince
Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks
The Fire Down Below by Bob Seeger
Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake
My Sharone by the Knack (I know it’s problematic)
Promiscuous and Maneater by Nelly Furtado
Hold the Line by Toto
Layla by Derek and the Dominos
I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness
Is there any good way to learn about cancer, specifically pancreatic cancer, short of going to medical school? I’ve read a lot of free things available to laymen and watched a lot of videos. IDK what else there might be and I’d be willing to pay for auditing a class or paying for anything online. Is there a “great courses” on this?
Not wanting to change careers or get a degree. I just want to understand better. Like with breast cancer, there are a lot of treatments and with a mastectomy, you can live a full life. You can’t take out a pancreas and living with an impaired one impacts a body with a lot of challenges. Different cancers are sometimes very different.
This is a good question for a librarian! A lot of university health science libraries are open to the public, and many university libraries have a subscription to UpToDate and other tertiary and reference sources. With some topics, you can also check the indices of recent editions of med school textbooks to see if they have a relevant chapter.
Here is a r/medicine discussion of some commenters’ favorite textbooks: https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/gx4x6v/whats_your_favorite_and_most_readable_textbook_in/
I don’t know the answer to your question but just want to say I am sorry you are going through whatever you are going through that has made this a focus.
I have a relative with Stage 4 breast cancer, and other relatives with backgrounds in cancer research. What’s crazy about breast cancer is how fast the research is going and how many new life-extending drugs are being developed. What would have been a death sentence a few years ago is now a chronic illness. I don’t think the research is going so quickly with other cancers, which might be due to difficulty in treating them, but also might be due to them being less high profile and getting less funding. It’s sobering.
The American Cancer Society website might be a good place to look. They have lots of resources for lay people and may also have people you can contact to ask questions.
Also, the National Cancer Institute’s Cancer Information Service has real live people you can talk to. If they don’t know the answer, they should be able to hook you up with people who do: https://www.cancer.gov/contact
Specifically for pancreatic cancer, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (https://pancan.org/) has lots of resources for patients and caretakers.
I follow PanCan and they had a continuing ed gathering redently that I would have lived to have gone to but it seemed aimed at doctors and researchers.
I feel like Victorian era UK had a lot of gentlemen-scientists and we need to bring that back.
No we don’t. Victorians did truly unhinged “scientific” stuff that’s why we now have organizations and accreditation and regulations.
Some hospital systems offer “community lectures” where physicians give talks for the community (over zoom or in person) on a wide variety of topics. I would google around and see if you can find any of those or similar podcasts on the topic (e.g., you could look for the major cancer centers – Sloan, MD Anderson, Dana Farber).
My husband actually JUST did a talk on the pancreas (function, diseases that impact it including cancer and how they work) through his hospital’s community lecture program but it’s sadly not available online.
Also, while it’s now out of date given its age, The Emperor of All Maladies a beautifully written and informative book about cancer generally, and it touches at a high level on a lot of the factors the result in the outcomes of cancers being different (which go beyond purely medical – the rate at which the cancer grows; location in the body; how susceptible it is to chemo; whether it can be detected before it spreads; how rare it is which impacts research funding available). It doesn’t touch on recent developments in biologics and a lot of the stats are outdated but I really loved it when I was diagnosed with cancer myself.
UpToDate is great for that. a Patient/Caregiver subscription is $60/month
My Mom died from pancreatic cancer, and I was her caregiver. I am now in a clinical trial for people at higher risk for PC and am tested yearly.
The best resources for me have been the Johns Hopkins pancreatic cancer resources, as this is the best place in the country for pancreatic cancer treatment, and the hub for my clinical trial. They used to moderate a very good online discussion group among patients/families, and that was an incredible resource. If/when I get diagnosed, I will look for one of those.
I also agree that the PanCan website / organization is very useful. You can call and speak to a patient/family advocate and they will recommend resources for you. Very helpful.
Our family donates yearly to Johns Hopkins, PanCan and the Lustgarten Foundation (the best hub for donations to PC basic research).
Good luck. And I’ll be honest…. if/when I’m diagnosed, I am not sure that I would want to get a Whipple, if it was even an option. It would depend on my age and resources at the time. I am single, and wont have any family to care for me, so I will probably just agree that it’s my time. If I was younger and had a spouse/family who could help, that might be a different story.
You want UpToDate.
Cancer researcher here.
For books:
“The Emperor of all Maladies” is an extremely well written history of cancer.
Bob Weinberg’s Cancer textbook might also be worth a look (though I feel weird recommending this- my postdoc advisor and Weinberg had a long and well known beef)
The journal article “Why don’t we get more cancer” is another good look at cancer from a different point of view.
Alternatively, there are patient advocate training programs at major hospitals if you want a more in depth grounding in cancer survivorship and patient experiences, though these would be a bigger investment in time. These programs can also have “dinner with doctors” style lecture series as well.
PS: you can live without a pancreas, but pancreatic cancer (and ovarian cancers) are hard to diagnose and usually only get picked up very late, and metastatic cancers (from basically any site) are almost impossible to cure. It’s an exciting time to be in cancer research though- we’re in the infancy of figuring out how to work with the immune system to cure cancer.
OP here — thank you — this is very helpful. Will check out this and also the Hopkins info above.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. Cancer is just awful, no matter the kind. In addition to the sources listed (American Cancer Society does have good peer-reviewed information, though it tends to be superficial and less than nuanced), I have actually found a lot of great information on instagram. Patients lived experiences are helpful, and I follow several oncologists who post very up to date summaries of new studies, etc.
And as a quick aside, and I mean this gently, please consider your language about breast cancer. Yes, a breast may not be a required organ, but the idea that having breast cancer doesn’t massively change or limit your life is so wrong. Every cancer is awful. There’s no “good” kind.
I need shopping help! I have a compromise choice black dress (bought in haste for a funeral during COVID in the summer, where I needed anything solid and black and season-appropriate that wasn’t beachy or prom or sequined or had cutouts or was sheer). I’d like to get something else to occupy the black dress slot in my closet and am choosing between:
— Sue Sartor black flounce dress in cotton
— Sue Sartor black maxi length (slightly longer than the regular flounce) flounce dress in black silk taffeta
— Sue Sartor black Hamilton dress (has elbow-length non-elasticized sleeves) in cotton
I have a SS flounce dress and know my size and the shape works for my body (I take a M in SS, but I am built like a stout 11-year old, so I need the volume and structure of this dress to give me a bit of a shape). I’m 5-4, but could wear a slight heel given that the Hamilton and maxi flounce are a bit longer (the vanilla flounce is fine for me in flat shoes and Doc Martin boots).
Is silk taffeta in a solid color too evening for day? Too fun for anything somber like a funeral? That one is billed as day-to-evening. All I want is something versatile and to be wearable for my usual black dress occasions (which is any occasion for me really, I wear a lot of black even in summer).
I have SS dresses in taffeta and it’s a dressier fabric. I also have the black flounce maxi in cotton, I like it but it’s not my summer go-to because it’s so all black and I find that depressing in the heat. I think her cottons are day to casual evenings, and the taffetas are dressy evening or maybe afternoon showers.
I’d pick the flounce (assuming that’s the same thing as “Travel Dress”) hands down if your use case is day to early evening. the amount of fabric and ruffles on the others is just a lot and in black comes off kind of Queen Victoria.
I am very Crown Vic in that I give off Old Battle Axe vibes, so will likely need to check this out.
My brain went right to Queen Victoria upon reading black taffeta.
+1
I was all set to say “no taffeta in the daytime,” then I clicked on the photos of the model in a grassy field in the daytime and changed my mind. I think it’s kind of great.
There isn’t one dress that works for an evening event a day time event and a funeral.
OP here — I feel like I have been so wash & wear since the pandemic that I am forgetting what real fabrics are like. I likely don’t need a black evening dress, so something for day events (including not inappropriate at a funeral) is fine. I’d love a life where I needed more evening wear, but I seem to have more clothing that even my current slate of events justifies (and my next one is 5-7 on a Tuesday, so it will be whatever I wear to my casual office job; the legit fancy events are few and far between).
The Hamilton dress is too much for a funeral. While black is always appropriate, I do not want to attract attention to myself at a funeral because the attention belongs on the deceased. That’s why a simple black sheath or a-line dress or pants outfit is what you mostly see at funerals.
I’m gonna disagree here, the deceased is dead. You just need to show up for the family or friends. You see everything at a real funeral, and that dress is perfectly appropriate.
Don’t out-widow the actual widow. Dial it back a bit.
If it’s the kind of funeral where you wear black, the vibe of SS is a mismatch for the tone of the event. You’re trying to combine too many use cases.
Brunch or casual evening? Flounce is fine. But don’t try to make it appropriate for sober or formal.
Then don’t buy a long taffeta dress. But Sue Sartor is primarily a resort wear line. You don’t wear a party dress to a funeral
Those dresses do not sound good for a funeral. Keep the black dress you have for future funerals. If you want a flouncy dress for other occasions, go for it, but this isn’t going to be your all-purpose black dress.
Is there an all-purpose black dress? If any are even close contenders, please post some links. It is going to be the sort of summer where I will likely need something that would work at a funeral and my black suit is now at Goodwill, so I have many things black but now am worried that they’d be too “fashion” to go to a funeral.
No there isn’t.
Agree that the Ann Taylor dress linked is pretty close to an all purpose black dress. You can use it for a funeral, a date night, a presentation at work, or even a wedding code if the dress code is right (if you’re in a region where wearing black to a wedding is ok.)
OP seems to be all-in on one brand. There is no one brand that is going to have appropriate clothing for all occasions, much as they try to make us believe that.
I think this is pretty close to an all-purpose black dress. Short sleeves, square neck, knee length black sheath. I could wear this to a funeral, a party, or work, depending on jewelry and shoes.
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/suits/cata000013/612798.html?dwvar_612798_color=6600&dwvar_612798_size=080¤cy=usd&country=US&cid=PLA_AT_GGL_BRD_Shopping_AT_GGL_RTN_Brand|Brand_Shopping&ogmap=PLA|RTN|GOOG|STND|c|SITEWIDE|CORE|Shopping_AT_GGL_RTN_Brand|Brand_Shopping||20966698302|158323912539&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K-zBhBIEiwAWeCOFyzuqpTgsU2tqL0X7rJsQUPMmhxvbEtxa5phZR49PV4tOZPghlFe1BoCDvIQAvD_BwE
The only dress I’ve ever had that could truly go from a funeral to a c-tail event was a plain black v-neck sleeveless sheath dress. For funerals it needed a jacket over it, and for evening events it was on the plain side even though it was appropriate. You are much better off with three separate dresses: 1) work and funerals 2) day dress 3) c-tail dress. I’d keep the compromise dress you already have for #1 and buy a black dress in a non-shiny fabric for #2 and a shiny one for #3.
I want to send food to my cousin in Greenville, SC (she had a baby about 6 weeks ago). They like BBQ. Any specific recs? And I can just use DoorDash, right? I feel so old when I try to do this stuff.
why not just get a doordash gift card? i did that for a family member who had a surgery recently and he loved it.
if you still want to pick it out i’d do goodbelly instead of doordash unless you’re going to coordinate when your cousin is home.
That feels a little impersonal but I guess I should just ask her what she prefers.
I’d be really happy with a Door Dash card, personally. I always think it’s too expensive to order delivery with all the fees and the tip and everything, but if someone else is paying for it, it feels like a real gift!
+1 for Doordash and I don’t think it’s impersonal.
I love Goldbelly, which delivers from all over the country. It’s expensive but you can send something really special.
Need meal ideas and meal plan strategies for an upcoming 5 day stay an Airbnb on an island. There is a little grocery store nearby but everything else we would have to bring in (including alcohol). What are your tips, tricks, and favorite meals for an AirBnB stat?
– also- what do you find useful bring from home vs buying. We are driving there, but don’t want to bring Everything.
– what are your must have grocery list items?
-what kind of meals take minimal ingredients? Don’t want to spend too much timing preparing foods.
– would like to minimize food waste as well and have minimal leftovers.
Bring seasonings and a small container of olive oil from home. It’s so easy to forget these items when you’re traveling – even if you do make a grocery store run. I also always bring coffee and coffee filters with me, just in case.
You might check with the host about what they have. Most Airbnbs I’ve stayed in have coffee, olive oil and basic spices.
I’ve stayed in both (well stocked and not). The not are enough to make me travel prepared. I have little tupperware with oil, S&P, and oregano, and coffee filters that I take on every trip now. I jsut grab as I pack and throw in with snacks and fresh coffee grounds.
Hah! They may say they’re stocked, but that sugar or flour container may have one spoonful left. Or expired. Or the ziplock and aluminum foil boxes can be completely gone all together because the previous renters cleared out
Bring your own spices or seasoning packets. Grilled protein, simple salad, and fresh bread require minimal ingredients and prep. Pack a good knife. You never know if the one at the AirBnb will be sharp enough, which is a safety hazard in addition to a PITA to use.
Also bring a cutting board. Believe it or not, I’ve been without one in an AirBnB before.
Personally I’d bring all non perishables with me as they are likely less expensive. To me cooking is not a vacation so I’d either be getting takeout for dinner
+1, and if it’s a short drive I’d bring everything in a cooler. Why pay island prices instead of local?
We drove to a ski trip (4 nights, no serious cooking desired!!) and brought the following. The pizza and chicken were large enough to get us through both dinners traveling as a couple, augmented with salad. Lunches we ate out.
-Coffee & filters
-Microwave oatmeal packets & a bunch of bananas
-Bagged salads, bag of baby carrots, a cucumber
-Hummus
-Frozen pizza
-Rotisserie chicken & microwave rice
-Wine and beer
-Energy bars & beef jerky for while skiing
For this trip I would focus on easy grilled proteins and salads for dinner, sandwiches for lunch, and for breakfast do pancakes and fruit, French toast and fruit, and eggs on toast.
– I enjoy bringing a couple of dishes that I’ve made ahead of time so that I don’t have to cook every meal. Last year on our family vacation, SIL brought chicken salad that we had for lunch. DH and I brought lasagna, which we made a few weeks ahead of time and froze.
– For dinners, we cook grilled meat and veg, with simple seasonings. Pulled pork also works well for multiple, easy meals (sandwiches, tacos, etc.). For one of our annual trips, we tend to plan our meals out ahead of time and pack dry goods and seasonings so we don’t have to buy an entire bottle or package of something just for a couple of tablespoons.
– We always bring a good knife and our own cutting board. I like to bring my Nespresso if I’ll be gone for a while, but I probably wouldn’t for 5 days.
– You didn’t mention how many people you’re going with. DH, Kiddo, and I once spent a weekend at an AirBNB that was very far from a grocery store (it was like 15 minutes to the nearest paved road). We took a couple of Hello Fresh type meal kits with us, and that worked out extremely well.
My husband, kids and I vacation in a rental house for a week every summer. There’s a grocery store near that area but it’s small and the pickings are slim. I do buy things there throughout the week but I do bring a bunch of stuff from home:
My favorite chef’s knife in a sheath
My apron
Kosher salt
My pepper grinder
Lemons (I have a tree and it kills me to buy them)
Tea and sugar
Olive oil
Herbs from my garden
Little spice packets from Penzey’s
In the past I have brought my big canning pot and everything I need to make jelly inside it but that is case specific because where we vacation we can pick wild blackberries.
I have brought up some perishable food from home in a cooler before, but dislike how much room it takes up in the car, so mainly I focus on buying perishables once I’m there these days. We have been doing this summer trip for close to 20 years so I have it down to a science now!
We typically buy things at the grocery store on the day we arrive as it’s on the way to the house. Cereal and milk for breakfast, eggs and local bakery bread for breakfasts, a couple of sticks of butter, cheese and crackers for snacks, and everyone chooses some sweets.
Our pattern once there is breakfast at the house, lunch out somewhere, and if we want a full dinner, we buy something to cook while we’re out and about. Often our lunch out is on the late side and rather filling, so it’s not really necessary to do a full dinner. What I no longer do is a bunch of meal planning for seven full dinners. I want to feel like I’m on vacation too!
I hate when someone asks me what’s for dinner when we get to our vacation rental. I want to limit cooking, shops maybe aren’t great, I don’t want to buy groceries a bunch of times.
We do a lot of pre planning. We estimate dinners in v meals out, and plan and pack in many dinner things. Examples—pre-pattied frozen burgers, frozen meatballs and sauce for spaghetti, maybe make a curry or stroganoff (and freeze it) that is served over rice or noodles. Maybe bring trimmed chicken to grill (grills are also spotty in rentals—sometimes they don’t have propane, sometimes they are filthy, we try not to rely on them for the week.). We buy veg, milk, breakfast or lunch things upon arrival.
One of the places we stayed groceries were so far away, and the stores weren’t what we wanted and it was all fine but we want to eat a certain way. So we advance plan.
“What’s for dinner?”
“I don’t know. What are YOU cooking?”
I think that is the most offensive question on earth, especially when you’re on vacation!!
I measure out the spices for each recipe I plan to cook and bring them in a baggie or container. I also bring olive oil, coffee, and anything else that is easy to pack and on the more expensive end of the spectrum or for which I have a brand preference, since grocery stores in vacation locales tend to be overpriced and have a limited selection. If we will arrive late at night and won’t be able to shop until the next day, I make sure to bring coffee filters, coffee, cream (either in a cooler or in the little cups), sugar, and muffins or another quick breakfast food. Even if we are going out to breakfast, my family gets too caffeine-deprived and hangry not to have coffee and a little snack first thing in the morning.
I second the suggestions to bring a good knife.
For a recent week at the beach I brought a frozen pork shoulder, 2 lbs of frozen shrimp, and frozen burgers in a cooler. I knew the place had a crockpot, but if it didn’t, I would have used a low oven for the pork. We shredded it and had BBQ sandwiches one night and tacos another. The shrimp ended up being a sheet pan dinner with local corn and tomotoes and baby potatoes, the burgers were burgers. I put together a traveling spice kit back when my kids were little and just kept it up to date, I always bring a decent knife, and I always bring a box of pasta and a jar of sauce so we have at least one cheap fast to the table meal. I also generally bring a box of condiments, usually the mostly used bottles from my home fridge, so I can use them up and toss them as we go.
Does HelloFresh or another meal kit ship there?
I would plan some easy meals, not randomly shop.
Does anyone have a natural peanut butter they like? Ideally one that is not gritty though IDK having only had it once, maybe all natural peanut butter is supposed to be gritty? Basically I’m looking for whatever tastes closest to Skippy without having added oils or sugars – or as little as possible.
Will take any other nut butter recs too.
i prefer powdered peanut butter to every natural peanut butter or pb alternative that i’ve tried. you can mix water with it and use it as a peanut butter or you can just add the powder to smoothies, yogurt, oatmeal, etc.
It will be gritty unless there is some oil added.
It shouldn’t be gritty, but it won’t have the ultra smooth, sort of soft texture that Skippy has, which I think is due to the added oil. I typically buy the Santa Cruz brand, Smucker’s, or the natural peanut butter at Aldi or Trader Joe’s.
I’ve eaten natural peanut butter my entire life so I’m probably not the best judge of this, but I like the Trader Joe’s kind that’s just peanuts and salt, which is also way cheaper than most of the other natural peanut butter brands. I buy chunky, so it definitely has texture, but I wouldn’t call it gritty. I couldn’t say what the creamy one is like, though. I can’t stand any of the ones that add palm oil. They’re too runny and not peanutty enough for me.
+1 TJ’s has the best I’ve tried
Another vote for TJ. Not gritty at all! Store it in the fridge to keep it from separating
My favorite almond butter is the Walmart generic brand. It is easier to stir than other brands I’ve tried.
I am a big Skippy fan normally but I bought some of the MaraNatha brand and its worked well. I think there is a difference but its not substantively different and definitely not gritty. I’ve had the gritty ones before and hated them. This one does have some palm oil – I think the oil is what makes it smooth.
Skippy is NOT natural peanut butter!
. . . . yes thats why I mentioned. an alternative that I, a person who likes Skippy like OP, also likes
We have bought the Kirkland natural smooth peanut butter for years. When we got married spouse was a skippy die-hard and this is the peanut butter that convinced him to switch.
Kirkland’s is great, although they only have creamy. For crunchy, I like Whole Foods’ option– although they recently switched their largest container to have ingredients other than peanuts, so check the label carefully.
We (me, my 4 y/o, and my dog) like Jiff creamy natural.
I think Adams PB is the only answer here personally. I dislike all other natural peanut butter except Adams.
Koeze is the best peanut butter by far. Handsome Carver’s has a nice variety of other nut butters.
I like the ones at Fresh Market and Whole Foods where you grind the peanuts straight into the container.
I like PB & Co
Poll: Is it unreasonable of me to tell my teenager that she is not to watch TV in the family room of our open-plan home during the day because the sound of the television makes me irrationally annoyed? She has a part-time job, the keys to my car, pool and gym memberships, and an iPad on which she can watch TV quiety in her room, so there are plenty of other things for her to do. Her dad and I both WFH and I am getting sick of never being alone in my own home in peace and quiet.
RFI – are earbuds or headphones an option if you have a smart TV or similar?
Any way to watch with headphones?
Really reflect on whether as a parent the best thing is to kick your teenager out of shared spaces, isolate her so you don’t know what she is watching, shut down casual interaction, and treat her presence like an inconvenience.
I mean, most of us Gen Xers are fine
lol
My mom was like that and banished us from the public rooms of the house. I don’t think it was great for the relationships.
+1 My kids are only allowed to watch in shared spaces. No screens in bedrooms
Get her some bluetooth headphones so she can watch TV in the living room. Even living alone, I will never have an open plan house because they’re so noisy and exposed.
Until they are the only option in the town you are moving to! I HATE my open plan house. We’ve already added two walls and I’m trying to figure out how to finish the job.
I loooooved ours until Covid and kids getting bigger, but it’s been a disaster with two primarily WFH adults and a school age kid with homework.
Watching tv on her IPad in her room during the day seems like a fair compromise, as long as she can access most of her shows on the Ipad
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set main TV viewing hours because of the open floor plan. My 12-yo son is constantly screaming with his friends when they’re playing games together, it’s a huge PITA.
Of course. I don’t even see how this is a question.
“Hey Jill, your dad and I need quiet during the work day, so we have to institute a new rule that the family room tv can’t be on during work hours during the week.” Easy peasy.
is your office in the living room? otherwise, yes.
get out of the way & be quiet are terrible messages to send your teenager – you should be happy she isn’t holed up in her room! setting specific TV hours maybe, or why not go work in a coworking space or similar? you can wear noise blocking headphones. A teenager & spouse at home isn’t going to be peace and quiet.
I sympathize with OP but at the end of the day I agree with this.
Agreed. She clearly doesn’t want to be shut away in her room. She wants to be in the heart of the home with her family around.
+1
Totally fair, but I think you could also solve this with Bluetooth headphones or a tv for her room. There’s a huge difference between an iPad and a big screen, even if it’s a pretty small cheap tv
TV for her room. A new 32″ TV can be had for under $100.
quick question: i just sold an old purse on poshmark and it looks a bit worse than i remembered it (and, i fear, what is reflected in the pictures). what should i do? send it and assume she’ll start a return if it isn’t acceptable? send it with a note that i’ll accept returns if it’s unacceptable? is there a way to give her a bigger discount now that the sale has gone through? she paid about $30 for it.
If you posted current photos, I’d just assume it’s a part of the risk you incur by buying used clothes/bags. If you posted outdated photos, I’d send her updated photos that reflect its condition and ask if she still wants it.
I need help talking to a dear friend – a friend I love like a brother. I’ve been agonizing about how to respond to his text since last night. Please keep the claws at bay – my heart is aching.
Friend wants to know why I’m not as supportive and encouraging as I’ve been in the past. Well, it’s because friend is being a dumb— and I think he’s making stupid choices and I don’t approve. Last year, friend decided – apropos of nothing – to open a black car driving business. We live in a major east coast city where black cars are common…but there are a million black car companies in town already, and since COVID changed the world, there’s much less business travel than there used to be, so less need for black cars. Without notice, friend quit his job last November to drive full time. Friend’s other friends told him in 6 months he’d be doing so well he’d be hiring other cars to do his driving for him. We knew this was utter nonsense. That’s not the way the world works! It’s June, almost July, and friend is deeply in debt and barely able to put food on the table and worried about being evicted because he can’t pay for food and expensive housing in our expensive city.
This spring, I helped him get a job in the town where our country house is and where my mother lives. (Their children call my mom “Grandma.”) In the city, his family of seven is currently crammed into a two bedroom apartment in a high rise in a bad neighborhood for $2375. For the same amount in the country, they could have had a four bedroom house with a big yard and excellent schools and no crime. The salary wasn’t as much as either of us would have wanted, but it would have been enough if his wife got a job – and it wouldn’t have needed to be forever. But he doesn’t want her to work because he says she needs to be home in case one of the kids gets sick or needs to go to the doctor. I’ve told him time and again that a SAH spouse is only an option for the wealthy, and they need two incomes. So he turned down the job in the country because there’s no demand for black cars in the country and he didn’t want to be “tied down” to a regular part-time job and he doesn’t want his wife to work.
Now he’s asking for my help finding a job in the city and says he’s too tired from driving all the time to look for his own job. DUMB—, what did you think was going to happen when you quit your previous job to be a full time driver?! You believed the fairy tales your friends told you and thought you’d be on easy street? I already found you a job once. Why should I do so again?
But I feel too close to this situation and it’s all too fraught for me. Is there another way of looking at this? Is there something else to say other than, “I love you, but you’ve been a giant idiot, and the consequence of that is that you get to be an idiot on your own – sorry about your looming eviction?”
I remember your story from a few years ago (when he was talking about starting the car service business, I think?) and at the time the advice was to stay out of it because you can’t change his mind. He has to make his own mistakes. Your last sentence is the correct approach (soften up the language if necessary).
You’ve got to stop helping. “Friend, I’m not able to help you with this.” Full stop.
(Also, where is this country area where one can find a 4 BR home with excellent schools for approx. $2400/month? Truly asking. That seems impossible these days.)
In most of New England, any school system that isn’t actively bad (inner city) is going to be excellent. It won’t be Wellesley excellent, but it will be very, very good compared to the rest of the country.
I’m picturing a small town in Vermont, NH, or CT. Quick perusal shows you can find 3 bed/2 bath houses in small towns in CT for about $1,900 to $2,500 a month.
Uhhh there are lots of places in rural New England with awful schools. I have more experience with MA and Maine than VT and NH, but many rural areas have huge dr*g issues and terrible graduation rates, and are not school districts I would want my kid anywhere near. There are also many excellent school systems in New England but they tend to be in wealthier, urban areas. It’s really snobby coastal elitism to say all of New England except the “inner city” has better schools than the rest of the country.
I have lived in both New England and rural Midwest/Southern states with actively bad school systems.
Get off your high horse; the differences are shocking.
I didn’t say the worst schools in MA are worse than the worst schools in Alabama but the bad schools in MA are a heck of a lot worse than good schools in Alabama. The idea that there are no bad schools in New England outside of the inner city, which is what the 12:54 poster said, is absurd.
If a bad rural New England school is “excellent” and “very, very good compared to the rest of the country,” the public school system is in worse shape than I realized!
Probably a lot of smaller cities in the Midwest and South? I live in Indianapolis and this budget is totally doable, even in the northern suburbs with the “fancy” schools.
Sorry BenSteve but this isn’t something I can help with. I wish you well but I’ve given you lots of advice and support and you aren’t interested in jt.
You seem way too involved in the finances and life choices of a friend! I would back way up. Yes, he sounds like a dummy and frankly so does his wife (like, does she get a say here?) and none of this is yours to fix.
I realize I didn’t offer advice on the text response. “Friend, I love you and will always be in your corner. At this point, I feel too involved in your personal family financial decisions and feel the need to untangle myself significantly. Going forward, I can’t aprticipate in conversations about these specific issues.”
Agree that there isn’t much you can (or should) do.
Some people don’t understand that there are trade-offs. He doesn’t want a corporate job, he wants to live in a big city, he wants and has a big family, and he doesn’t want his wife to work. That’s for trust fund kids, and any grown adult should understand that.
Maybe you could crank through the math with him. Doubt he would listen though.
Unless his wife is looking at earning high five figures minimum, he’s probably right that her working is not going to make financial sense. Childcare for 5 (!?) kids will really add up, even if they’re all in public school. We live in an incredibly LCOL area and aftercare is $50/week/kid, so that’s >$1k/month right there, and they might also need before school care and help with driving kids to activities. You probably need a pre-tax salary of at least $60-70k to make the math check out. I live in a LCOL area with a lot of big families and most people on a tight budget have the mom stay home for financial reasons.
agree with this. 5 kids sounds like a lot.
I think you have to distinguish between support and help. You can be emotionally supportive without being financially or otherwise helpful. A possible script:
“Friend, I love you so much. I can’t get on board with your choices, though. I’m here for you as your friend, but I can’t make these job choices work for you.”
Don’t lecture or discipline — he’s an adult.
or a variation: Friend, you know I love you like a brother and I am always rooting for you. On the job front, I feel like I have already given all the advice and help that I could.
And maybe invite them to dinner or some other social hangout to close out the message.
This is great: “I feel like I’ve already given all the advice and help I have to offer.”
Another variation: Yeah, I probably haven’t seemed as supportive. Truth is, I just don’t have the ideas or contacts that will help you find the kind of job that you’d really want right now, so there’s not a lot I can offer. But, as always, I love you and I’m rooting for you.
I love you, but I’m not the right person to help with this problem.
And then disentangle yourself 100% from the inner workings of his finances and marriage. It’s strange to me to know the exact amount of a friend’s rent, even a very close friend. There are people in my life who are massively shooting themselves in the foot by having a stay at home spouse when they can’t remotely afford it. I say nothing. It’s not remotely your problem to solve, and if I were the wife I’d be annoyed at best with anyone was trying to inset themselves in that conversation.
It’s really painful to watch a friend make terrible choices, but it isn’t something you can fix or take care of. You have to disentangle yourself from this. You don’t need to explain yourself or your reasoning, but say: “I’m sorry, I don’t have bandwidth right now to find you a job in the city.”
The less justification you give, the better for your relationship. His poor decision-making doesn’t affect you if you don’t feel responsible for fixing it, so, in a healthy relationship, it wouldn’t be appropriate to express anger at him. Set small boundaries, like saying you don’t have bandwidth to do things he asks you to do.
The bigger challenge will be emotionally disentangling and halting feeling like this is your problem to fix. I suggest reading about codependency – it has helped me a ton. A mantra that can be helpful: “I didn’t cause this and I can’t control it.”
you couldn’t pay me to be this close of friends with a straight man
LOL hard same
god same. Also there’s no way he is going to listen to his female friends on this, truly. A man who doesn’t want his wife to work? no way does he care what his clearly emotionally-overinvested and probably codependent female friend thinks, he is just used to and wants her blind emotional support.
I am good friends with several very straight men. Thing is, they all have their acts together and have nothing against the 21st century. I’m not here for manchildren.
I think you are too involved and giving him a lot of advice he isn’t asking for. Take several steps back. This would apply even if he was your actual brother.