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Workwear sales of note for 3.22.23:
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off full-price pants and shirts; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – Extra 40% off clearance for up to 60% off
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price dresses, skirts, accessories & shoes
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
Can anybody recommend a DC realtor? (Not a va/md one)
Current coworker is an MD agent/former L&F agent in Bethesda. I’ll ask her when she gets in for a rec.
DC Energy Attorney
Daniel Brewer with Coldwell Banker (202) 277-9099.
We loved working with Hamid Samiy. http://www.realtor.com/realestateagents/Hamid-Samiy_Washington_DC_731805_081994635 We got the house even though we were the lowest of 3 bids.
Tieren Dickens http://eversco.idxre.com/agents/40484/80270/Tiernan-Dickens is great
Josh Oliver from Capital Estate Group: http://ceghomes.com. He is truly amazing.
Andrea Evers at Evers & Co: http://eversco.idxre.com/agents/40484/48949/Andrea-Evers
BEST real estate agent I have EVER worked with in multiple states. Found my house in a whirlwind relocation trip, got me good deal on it, and sold it for me 2 years later in just 2 days for above asking price. (Both times, did way more work than any other agent would – stuff that really should have been my job, but she goes above and beyond. She earned every penny of her commission and then some.) Cannot speak highly enough of her. Works with a partner who is good too.
Thanks for all the great recommendations!
I can see this working for an office party … nothing else
Yes, or any holiday party really. I hope they still make these when I am old and can afford them!
I just bought one of these on sale in solid red at Saks Off 5th for $104. They only have/had size M and although I usually size up in DvF, I am debating whether to keep it because the sleeves feel a little too loose somehow (but this may work better for others) . I absolutely love wrap sweaters though. Had one from H&M of all places years ago and it was one of the most versatile clothing items I’ve owned. I would wear this sweater with a plain black dress as if you look up close it’s not actually sparkly like it seems at first glance, but I really just want a plain black one.
I snagged one on sale in black and can’t wait to wear it. I did size up to get more coverage.
Riding the Waves
Hive, early TJ – I am in finance, am senior in my role, and have had consistently great feedback. I have a deal right now that is one giant projection based on certain assumptions. We made one aggressive assumption back in May for internal conversational purposes only, but it made it into the final draft that has now been circulated. Now, put simply, we’re realizing the deal isn’t as wonderful as we all originally thought – not end of world, but really, really, really, really not ideal, and frankly makes us look bad. I am responsible for compiling the presentation, but there are 4 sets of eyes that edited thoroughly (myself included) for two months that all missed this assumption, that was otherwise a major deal point and *in theory* easy to catch in the presentation (mentioned multiple times, in plain text, throughout).
I’m utterly beating myself up over this. DH says I’m being overly harsh and critical of myself, something I’m known to do. Mistakes happen – my company is understanding of that, but when things like this happen from time to time, I just feel crippled with guilt/fear/anxiety until it’s smoothed over.
So, here’s my question: how do you ride the waves of your high-stakes jobs? Do you at some level accept the “human error” factor when mistakes happen? Would you take this very personally, like me, or mentally spread the guilt among the team of four that edited and missed this so that you can sleep more easily? The highs of my job are amazing, but these lows are enough to make me start a job hunt and completely question what I’m doing…..
This is why they are called assumptions not facts.
The idea is that there is a risk it might be false, or not as accurate, so you shield yourself by stating it is an assumption. If need be, you can review your model whenever an assumption is wrong.
Also, this is your project and you think highly of it so every feeling related to it is highly magnified. Others are probably not as sensitive to it.
I remember countless numbers of times where I was so mortified, it would take me days to get the courage and talk to someone about an error, and they’d brush it off: “hmm, well this is annoying, go fix it and let me know what the new ROI is.”
The scenarios in your head are far more dramatic than what would really happen. Knowing this doesn’t make it easier but it helps to remember it every now and then.
When I was riding a low and really questioning whether law was right for me, a mentor told me that the most difficult times in our career are the times we experience the most growth. When things get tough, low, etc. for me, I remember these really incredible words of wisdom. It’s totally true – every time I’ve had a low, a rough patch, I learn way more from that then I do when things are going smoothly. I become better at my job. Doesn’t mean I don’t question myself, but this helps.
That’s great advice and also rings true for me. In my experience so far, if you’re not still questioning yourself from time to time, you’re either not growing or are too self-confident. Mistakes happen to all of us. It doesn’t meant that I don’t feel bad if/when I realize I (or my team) made a mistake, but I inevitably have to accept that they’re not 100% preventable.
I’ve been in this exact situation (same industry, same type of challenge) twice in my career now. You’ll remember it for years and there will always be a little “pang” of guilt, but you won’t make the same mistake twice. The shame of this moment will pass.
See this as an opportunity to learn. Yes it totally sucks, and I’ve been there — even thinking about it for a while after made me cringe with a truly physical reaction. But you will never prepare another presentation without ensuring that the key stakeholders buy in on the critical assumptions. I expect your presentation will be more clear on their impact in the future as well.
I think putting plans in place to ensure it doesn’t happen again and time will help you get through it.
Honestly, I’m not sure if would help me to mentally spread the guilt among others who reviewed it.
I don’t think you are being overly harsh on yourself. It sounds like you’re taking responsibility for a huge screw up as you should be. I think you can reasonably consider how you outwardly respond to this, but internal guilt? Totally reasonable to feel that for a while.
How do people ride the waves of their high stakes job? By not admitting that they did a mistake and advocating militantly for what they have done !!! I appreciate you recognized you did a mistake. I don’t know if it is feasible, but if you mistake can be very costly in the long run, can you come up with a revised plan and present it as an improvement over the last one?
I have made the same mistake and am in the same industry. You’ll never make the mistake again and learned from this situation. You’ll soon forget about it. I think how quickly you forget depends on how fast paced your environment is and how many other projects you have going on.
I’m a surgeon so its a little bit different. But unexpected complications and bad outcomes happen and (of course) these are accompanied by guilt. I have seen colleagues crippled by it. We have a couple of mechanisms in medicine that I think might be helpful in other fields.
Essentially, when a mistake is made or a bad outcome occurs, the goal is to address every factor that led to that error. Quality of initial information. Failure to do a second check. Worker fatigue. Worker distraction. Multi-tasking. Failure to ask for help or over-assignment of tasks to one person. Etc.
Although this is formalized in M&Ms, I think most of us are “trained” to think this way to the degree that everyone I know will sit down with a trusted mentor or colleague and say “lets talk about what I could have done to make this go differently.” At the end of a discussion like that I thnk you get one of two things:
– An action point that is better than “I won’t make mistakes any more.” Something you can identify to change in a concrete way. I think this helps alleviate the guilt, anxiety and helplessness and helps you to move forward.
– Or conversely, a reassurance that you made the call you did with the best information that you had available at the time and that your colleagues and mentors would have made the same decision. It’s easy to apply new information to old decisions and flog yourself when there is no real learning point, and this helps to avoid that.
I don’t know if thats helpful at all, but, if nothing else, know that many other people have felt that same way at moments in their careers- so much so that we have a formal mechanism for it, in one of the highest stakes fields there are!
Extremely helpful. I am NOT making excuses for actions and outcomes, but your mentioning fatigue is huge and not something I would ever have considered otherwise. I am slammed with work right now. I am also the gatekeeper for the number of deals I work on at any one time. The pleaser in me has a bad habit of saying “Yup, I have time for a new deal” always. I have the deal volume of two people in my role right now. I hadn’t thought about being more conscious of the quantity of deals (as in, your reference to fatigue/distraction/multitasking) as one potential solution to making sure this does not happen again, which I feel silly for saying because it also feels SO obvious. That’s a huge and concrete take away for me, and thank you. I will need to implement other things to help fix this going forward, but that is an easy, measurable part of the solution.
A friend of mine is getting married. I had no idea what to wear, and then found on super sale a red gown, very elegant and simple. Long, no sleeves but broad straps, no lace, ruffles or the like. If you saw it, I think you would think dress of bridesmaid. There is no bridesmaids at the wedding is not part of our tradition.
When I talked to the bride she told me her that she is having a red wedding dress. She planed of getting a dress she could use again. Can I still wear my red dress, or should I stay clear of red as you would of white?
I would think you would steer clear, but you should ask the Bride since you know her.
If she is wearing red then don’t wear red. Sorry!
Yeah, if you didn’t ask the bride about her dress and assumed she was wearing white, then you could wear it. I think you have to go with something else — sorry!
Wear it! Brides can reasonably expect others not to wear white. That’s it. If they chose not to participate in that tradition they need to understand other people may be in the same color.
Disagree. . . brides can reasonable expect others not to wear white because *they* are wearing white. It’s not the color per se, it’s the fact that the bride should be able to stand out at the wedding. If you know she’s going to wear red, I don’t think you should as a guest.
BTW, if you didn’t know and happened to show up that way, it would be OK by me. That’s an accident.
Ehhh, unless you know that it’s not the bride’s tradition to wear white but to wear another color. Many cultures wear red for weddings. If it’s the bride’s tradition to wear red, and the guest knows this, the guest should not wear red (e.g., I wouldn’t wear red to an Indian friend’s wedding). Also, if you haven’t bought the dress yet and know the bride is wearing that color, it’s so easy just to not buy the dress.
For a culture where the bride wears red, this assumption does not work.
For a culture where the bride wears red, THIS ENTIRE CONVO DIDNT HAPPEN.
Brunette Elle Woods
I would check with the bride. Different cultures may have different customs. If someone wasn’t familiar with the custom to avoid wearing white to a wedding, it would still be expected that they avoid wearing white. If the red dress was on a super sale then you can save it for another occasion and it sounds like the OP really likes the dress so it’s not a waste. If the bride is wearing red and you know prior to the wedding, just avoid it.
If she’s wearing red, that’s her color, and unless she tells you it’s okay to wear red (without you pressuring her to allow it), find another color for this wedding. But if the dress has a great price, get it, because you’ll probably have an occasion for it sometime in the next few years, and it seems like the kind of dress you might regret missing out on.
It could be that her culture wears red or that’s the tradition in her future spouse’s culture. It could be that red is her favorite color, or her future spouse’s favorite color, it could be that it’s the color she feels prettiest in.
Doesn’t matter — don’t wear a long red dress to her wedding. You haven’t bought the dress, you know she’s wearing red. There are a whole bunch of other colors out there, and unless you have a very hard to dress off the rack body type, you can find another dress with a bit of digging.
It may not be as fabulous as this dress, but frankly, it’s not your day — and I HATE that excuse for a bride to get what ever she wants — but in this case. Let her have her color and her day.
But, go head and get this dress, put it in the closet and pull it out when it would be appropriate. Or just wear it around your place and pour yourself a glass of bubbly.
Absolutely do not wear red if the bride is planning to. The same rule as white applies. You will feel like a total jerk if you do that and your friend, even if she’s chill, will probably be really annoyed with you.
I think this is especially true if it’s a long dress.
Gail the Goldfish
Definitely steer clear if you know the bride is wearing red, and as a general rule when shopping for dresses to wear to weddings, I avoid black, white, and red lest I offend someone (white because it’s traditional bride color in western culture, black because it’s traditional funeral color–fine in NE weddings, but older Southern people who attend a lot of the weddings I go to are going to judge–, and red because it’s traditional bride color in many eastern cultures. That generally covers all the bases. I usually stick with blue or green, because who doesn’t love some shade of blue?).
Don’t wear the red dress. Don’t be that person who stands on principle, only to draw negative (and perhaps unfair) attention to yourself. If you like the red dress, you can wear it to other events, including holiday parties.
Thank you all for the comments.
I will wear another dress and I am sure my friend will look wonderful in her red dress.
In my country anything but white for the bride is very rare. If I saw somebody else in red at the wedding, I would just assume she did not know about the brides dress. My friend would know that I knew about her dress and then it is a different story.
If it’s an Indian wedding, it doesn’t matter what you wear. You’ll never be able to upstage the bride.
I’m in a bit of a career pickle, I started working at a medium size corporate law firm in DC a year ago as a paralegal, and while I like when I get interesting work to do, the ceiling is low, the pay scale even lower, and I’m trying to get advice on my next step (which isn’t law school). Does anyone have any experience or stories of people moving into different legal related fields? Where I should be looking? I heard from a friend about litigation consulting but I can’t seem to find any postings for it in particular.
What do you like about what you do? Also, how many years out of college are you and what other experience do you have?
I love doing legal research, I love organizing facts and working in corporate litigation, particularly securities and the little M&A stuff I get to help out with. I am almost 3 years out of undergrad (’13), I had majored in biology with a focus in clinical research but when I got out, I realized that wasn’t for me (little too late). Before this I worked as an AA for a healthcare nonprofit, which was an interesting field, but too small of an organization to stay with.
It sounds like you’ve learned enough to know law school isn’t for you and if you want to maximize your earning potential in the legal field, that’s what you’d need to do. Many reasons not to though, which have been discussed at length here and elsewhere. In your shoes, I’d look for an entry level career path job with a company in an industry you’re interested in. I’d take a risk and go to a startup (in the Bay Area this is easy, don’t know about DC). Don’t feel stuck in law somehow since you started there. Trade on the idea you know how to behave professionally and figure things out.
I meant that you know how to figure things out – there are transferable skills to any junior position from being a paralegal, and sell yourself that way. Also you know long hours and high pressure.
Thanks for the advice! I’ll include some start ups in my search, although it’s a different environment in DC from SF, there are some interesting ones I’m sure.
There are start-ups and a certain start-up culture out in Tysons/McLean. Not sure where you live, but now the Silver Line goes out there, it’s not too hard to get to (plus most places there have free parking).
If you like healthcare, how about healthcare compliance? Or even working in risk management?
Or healthcare finance, which would give you some of the M&A exposure you like.
I have a friend who is a former paralegal who does competitive intelligence for a law firm. She works under the umbrella of their business development department, and her job is to do all kinds of interesting research on potential clients and their competitors. She works for a large firm in NY and really loves it. Her research is varied, but involves typical research into large corporations, and researching certain elements of the potential litigation / transaction being presented.
This sounds awesome.
This would be something I would love doing. I got to do a little bit of it as a non billable side project, despite being limited in my resources, I enjoyed it anyway. Thank you for putting a name to the field.
After some years as a paralegal, I moved into project management. It opened up lot of new opportunities at all kinds of businesses. Also, some large law firms hire project managers/business analysts, and your experience would be seen as a plus.
My bff is a paralegal who has stepped into a PM role at her agency and is working to move to a full-time PM position.
I am in the very early stages of planning a vacation next year with my best friend. We were thinking Morocco maybe some other places (although, morocco is number one). I’ve never used one of the Living Social/Groupon, etc Getaway things but everything seems to be included and such a great deal! But when I looked into it it seemed really planned out and less “spontaneous” travel and a little touristy. We’re not looking to be locals but for a good balance between vacation/being tourists and immersing ourselves in another country’s food, culture, etc for a week. Does anyone recommend going it this route or just planning it ourselves and looking for deals? Are travel agencies still a thing?
That is generally the trade off, in my opinion. A package tour takes care of reservations and getting you places, makes sure the day you are scheduled to go to a museum (eg) is a day it is open, and has access to cheaper prices, most of the time. But, you are tied to their schedule, and have to accommodate what other people in the group want to do. But, some tour companies are more flexible/give more time for exploration and authentic experiences than others. I have had good experiences with Intrepid Travel. I don’t like G Adventures myself(which used to be GAP), I was disappointed in their tour, but other people here seem to have had better experiences. There are other companies that also provide a more flexible schedule, and which attract people who would prefer eating street food to going to the Hard Rock Cafe. I decide about taking a tour vs traveling solo depends on how safe I think I’ll feel there, my language skills, how easy it is to get around, and so forth. For my trip to Morocco, I used Intrepid, and was very pleased with them.
Gail the Goldfish
No advice on the Groupon deals, but travel agencies are still a thing. However, I used one recently for a trip and felt like I ended up with too touristy/scheduled of an experience, even though I was pretty specific that that wasn’t what I wanted and we had private guides. I think traditional travel agencies are just used to dealing with older, more touristy-tourists (if that makes sense). Maybe try Tours by Locals if you want something in between.
SF in House
I have used Living Social for two trips — Morocco and Paris/Barcelona. The Paris/Barcelona trip was just a hotel and airfare deal with one tour (La Sagrada Familia). We upgraded the Paris hotel, but all in all, it was a great deal. I realized on the Morocco trip that I don’t like group tours (too much waiting for people), but we did get to see a lot. I would prefer to use a private guide in the future though, if that is an option for your budget.
I don’t have a lot of people to really talk to about such things, but just wanted to say that I had my performance review yesterday, and it was really good. I got a normal raise + performance based raise + a bonus, and I’m being bumped up an associate year. This has been a big “lean in” year for me, so I feel good that my efforts and performance were recognized. I’m really looking forward to the year ahead. Sorry for the “toot my own horn” post, but since this is a place for high achieving women, I felt it might be appropriate. :)
I won my first pro bono case as lead counsel yesterday. Toot toot!
Congrats! Huge deal.
awesome! Both of y’all! :) :)
Congrats!! It’s great to have accomplishments recognized :)
That’s great! And I don’t think you should apologize for tooting your own horn.
Well done!! Glad to see your hard work paid off.
I think we should do more of this as a group! Let’s celebrate the victories!
Go ahead and toot that horn. Go ahead and throw yourself a parade. Get yourself some champagne and something luxurious to splurge on…you worked darn hard and deserve some congratulations!
You are one high achieving woman!! Toot that horn!!
Thanks, all! We are going to celebrate this weekend. There will be champagne!
Congrats!! and dont say you are sorry!!!!! Toot away
Thinking of taking a trip to Thailand for 10 days in November, by myself. Anybody been? Recommendations?
I found a well-reviewed 5-day yoga retreat on an island (Ko Phangan), which I think will be the main part of the trip. It’s the end of the monsoon season and Nobember is supposed to be pretty rainy, but I think a week of yoga in the rainy jungle sounds ok.
Other than that, where to go/what to do? Flying into Bangkok which is surprisingly cheap ($650 from NYC)! Should I spend the other 5 days there or go somewhere else?
Finally, thoughts on safety for a solo female traveller in Thailand? I’ve travelled pretty extensively by myself and to some dangerousish places (rural Russia, Mongolia), so feel okay with the idea of Thailand, but any first-hand experiences would be appreciated!
I’ve done Ko Phangan in the Gulf of Thailand as part of an island hopper tour. It’s nice although I didn’t care for the crazy party atmosphere that surrounds the Full Moon Parties. I preferred the beaches/atmosphere on Ko Tao (with a little day trip over to Ko Nangyuan for snorkeling), but I’m sure a yoga retreat would be great on the other island. Ko Samui is a little bigger/more developed.
I really don’t think you need five days in Bangkok. If you can swing it, I’d do Chiang Mai and spend a day here: http://www.pataraelephantfarm.com/. 100% worth it.
I didn’t travel solo, but I went with one (female) friend and we felt just fine.
Wow, $650 from NYC is a great deal! Jump on that!
Coming from NYC, I think you’d be fine in Bangkok as a solo traveler. I’d recommend staying in the Sukhumvit area as opposed to Khao San Road, as it’s a nicer area, closer to transportation and easier to get around.
+1 to Chiang Mai and Patara Elephant Farm. The overnight trains from Bangkok are clean and safe and take about 12 hours.
Super safe for a female alone – the worst harassment you’ll encounter will probably be tuk tuk drivers in Bangkok trying to give you a ride and then take you to somewhere to get custom made clothes, and that has nothing to do with being female. (Happens to everyone.)
I loved Ko Phangan, stayed there for 10 days during a round-the-world trip. It was starting to get close to a Full Moon Party when we left and the island definitely started to fill up / get wilder the last couple days. You would probably be very isolated from this at a yoga retreat though.
You’ll probably want a couple days in Bangkok – it’s one of my favorite cities in the world – but agree with the above post re: Chiang Mai. Also, keep travel times in mind… it will take some time to get from Bangkok to Ko Phangan, and then also some boat time. You can go via a fast boat and get out to Ko Phangan in a few hours, or, if you’re feeling particularly backpack-y, take the overnight slow boat where you sleep on the deck.
You’ll have a great time!
I LOVED Thailand and hope you have an amazing time there!
Bangkok was nice for a nice or two, but I really thought the other parts of Thailand were 100x better. Bangkok is pretty much like any touristy city that isn’t super well developed – it has some comforts of home (e.g., nice hotels) with some touristy culture thrown in. Overall though, it was dirty and just…. well, I thought it was basically the armpit of Thailand.
Koh Samui is an island that is a few hours outside of Bangkok and is a touristy area as well, but less than Bangkok. There are nice resorts all over the place, so you can stay in a nice place without having to pay too much. There’s lots to do there too – elephant riding, animal shows, jungle safaris, snorkeling, local attractions (like temples), etc. And it’s gorgeous! I would highly recommend.
Anyone dealt with this? I just turned 35 and I can’t get past the feeling that the best is behind me. I need to snap out of this funk. My life is good, but the age thing is making me crazy. I feel like I just woke up and 10 years slipped away from me!
Talk some sense into me, please.
Whoa no!!! I am SOOO glad I am done with my 20s – what a hot mess that time period was. I am also 35 and each year gets better. Sure, there are moments where things are crappy, but I don’t expect to turn 40 and have all of my troubles forever forgotten. What I do expect is that I will continue to grow in many ways – emotionally (better friendships, better relationships of all kinds, more at peace with myself), physically (stronger, fitter, faster through practice and training), earning potential (more experience = more money), experiences (now that I am an adult I can do ALL the cool things), mentally (I have enough self awareness now, and that will only continue, to know my feelings, my moods, how they affect me and those around me and act accordingly). Plus, I plan to meet more people and who knows what the future holds – all sorts of exciting things!
Pshaw – do you really want to be 25 again? I wouldn’t. It was great at the time, but I like myself and my life so much better now than I did then. I (and I imagine you) are a self-sufficient person who has a better sense of the things she likes and wants than she did 10 years ago.
On the otherhand, I also have to remind myself than I’m in my mid-30s because I still feel like I’m in my late 20s. Or what I had imagined I would feel like/be doing in my late 20s, instead of what I was actually doing.
TL;DR: Age is a number. Once you get past 21, does it really matter?
I felt like that at 35, too. Now I’m 56 and life is so good that I pinch myself every morning because I can’t believe it’s real.
You are still young but you are now a grownup. Embrace it!
I just turned 27 and I feel this way too sometimes. I just feel SO OLD. But I think there are different things to love about each stage of life.
Haha, I’m 31 and have been feeling that way since I was about 27. I thought it got better when I turned 30, and then it got worse again. Oh well.
You are officially old enough to run for president!
And feel this way too. Mainly because I am single and there is truly nobody left except me.
My boss told me the divorces start around this time. Cool, maybe after a year 5 recovery period I can be sloppy seconds for one of those (and face a much higher chance of divorce).
Please don’t think this way about divorcees. Not everyone is “damaged” and bitter and resentful. I’m divorced and I’m certainly not. Our marriage just didn’t work out. I know lots of people like myself, too.
I went on a date recently with a 37 year old man who’d never been married. He actually said to me, “Wow, you’re not bitter and resentful like all the other women in their 30s.” I choked on my wine, even though I knew there was an element of truth to it. I know love is hard, but keep the faith.
This! Of course you are not the only one out there. And not all divorced people are bitter and damaged in some way. We all have experiences that shape who we are right now, and people whose experiences include divorces are not some sort of second rate person. I have dated divorced and not divorced and to some extent, I prefer divorced! People who have gone through a divorce have a different, and sometimes better, perspective on relationships and I appreciate that. No one wants to date a bitter person, regardless of what their past experiences are!
Children are expensive! How do people handle naming guardians for them? My preferred choice would be a cousin who works FT and has other children (who go to a private school that is not very expensive, but not something she could shoulder for my two children should she ever get them). In addition to talking to her about it, do people give $ to the guardians or have a fund for that? I would want my cousin to be able to go to working PT (or having household help) and not have to come out of pocket for things (so as much $ as I spend, she’d need, plus also maybe a slightly bigger house). What do people do? [FWIW, assume $ isn’t an option — I just paid the life insurance premium and have more through work, so if anything, I’m a bit overinsured despite having seen Double Indemnity.]
Trusts! Work with an wills and trusts/estate attorney to set up the best solution for your family.
+1. The life insurance proceeds would be able to pay for day-to-day care. Also, I always put language in my documents that the trustees can reimburse guardians for expenses like bigger house, bigger car, etc., associated with the kids.
People have life insurance. Until their kids are 18, that money can be spent by their legal guardians for their care. Naming one is really just a preference- they can decline and the court will appoint someone else suitable if it’s an issue. And then you stop. Because you really can’t plan a life shattering tragedy to the level of her going part time, or how school works, etc. You provide life insurance and put your faith in those you love to make it work.
And people who can’t afford insurance? Their grandparents and siblings make do the best they can, and sometimes kids wind up in fister care. But kids don’t need to be expensive. They need to be loved.
Fun fact, the guardian and the day-to-day caretaker don’t have to be the same person. Have you discussed guardianship with your cousin and is she OK with it? I wouldn’t just spring that on someone.
Agreed with that last piece big time. And frankly, do not be upset or hold it against someone if they decline when you ask. Please.
Thanks! I think she’s be fine with it, but would worry about the $ (so will work on the larger plan first and leave the name of the guardian blank for now). I wanted to ask with some reassurances that she shouldn’t have to worry about the $ (instead of just asking without assurances).
You’ve gotten good advice, but as someone who just did this – we went with a trust that would hold all our assets and life insurance money. Our child’s guardian will also be the trustee (she is a lawyer so will be good in both roles). Trust specifies that money is to be used for benefit of child, but also specifies some specific expenses that we anticipate, like moving to a larger house, buying a car (guardian currently lives in a small city apartment, would probably end up moving to suburbs), hiring any necessary domestic help, etc.
Hello, I’m visiting the US and looking to buy a bikini that will ahem enhance (so padded, push-up) my bust. Size 32B. Been to Victoria’s secret though the store I was in (midtown NY) didn’t have a range of colours/styles. Any recommendations of swimwear/lingerie stores that would have bra-sized bikinis or well stocked for swimwear Victoria’s Secret stores please? thanks
Since summer’s almost over, you might have a hard time finding a bathing suit outside of a swimwear specialty store, so that’d be my first stop. Try Everything But Water. And maybe a major department store like Macy’s might still have a good selection?
(was) due in june
Pre-pregnancy, that was my bra size. I agree that swimwear season is basically over and with the everything but water or other specialty swim store rec. Bigger stores have transitioned to fall/back to school merchandise.
I have two vix suits from everything but water, but depending on the level of padding you’re looking for, it might not be enough. Or get silicone cutlets (nordstrom’s active department had them during swim season and may still) and stick them in any bikini. Pushup didn’t really work on me since there honestly wasn’t much b tissue to push up.
Silicone Cutlets is my new favorite band name.
I love the swimsuits at Target. They have a lot of padded ones available.
I think the store on Lexington Ave. and 58th has the best swimwear selection but not sure how good it will be this late into summer. But you can also pop into Bloomingdale’s across the street if you.
Don't Want to Talk About It
I could use a few sentences for steering networking conversations.
The last 18 months of my life have been rough – cancer scare, miscarriage, giving up everything I knew and loved when my husband was transferred to a dreadful state, and then said husband asking for a divorce 6 months after the move. (Gee, thanks for making me move, honey.)
I’m now moving back home and I’m overjoyed. I’m just glad this is all over and I get to start a new chapter. I’m healing enough where these 18 months are starting to fade like a bad dream. And I’m thankful they’re fading because I don’t want to think about them ever, ever again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of networking as I look for a job back home. Invariably at mixers, people ask, “So where are you coming from? How did you like it there? What have you been doing?” As you can imagine, I don’t have many positive things to say given everything I’ve been through. (And I hate this state with the passion of a thousand burning suns, separate and aside from my divorce here.) I greatly enjoyed my job here and love my field and am very positive about work topics, but I’m afraid I can’t manage upbeat personal chit-chat. Can anyone suggest a couple lines I can use to divert conversation to topics I’m comfortable with? People ask so many seemingly innocuous questions; I’m especially concerned about the, “Oh, why did you move to [State]?” question. How do I answer that without mentioning my divorce, which doesn’t seem appropriate in a networking context? “Personal reasons” seems too curt.
You steer it to what you like about where you are now.
“Oh why did you move to [state]?” “I had temporary [current state] blindness and thought a new adventure would fun.” Then turn it back to talking about what you want to talk about. I try to be humorous in these situations, which I find makes it less uncomfortable for all parties involved. Maybe find one unique and weird fact about that state so you could say, “I couldn’t die without seeing the _____________. But I am so glad to be back in [current state] now . . . blah blah blah.”
Q: Why did you move?
A: Looking for a fresh start (and switch to work topics).
A: Had a great opportunity (switch to work topics)
A: I’m from X, moved around a bit and landed here. I’m really excited about (work topics).
You may be hearing the questions as asking for personal information, but most people aren’t looking for that at a networking functions. Figure out how to answer the questions with work-related, rather than personal, answers. Try to focus on the future and why you are where you are now, instead of how you got there. Like in job interviewing – focus on why you want to the new job, instead of why you left the old job.
I feel like the “D” word is the road block here. What if you said instead “I moved when a former partner’s job was transferred. When that relationship didn’t work out I jumped at the opportunity to move back here.”
I would just say you needed to relocate temporarily for family reasons and that you were fortunate to find a good career opportunity during that time–one that you’re now looking forward to building on as you move back to state A. People will probably assume the family reason was medical, and not pry further (nobody asks “oh, did they die? is that why you’re back? or are they all better?”).
I think this is the perfect response- no one is going to be that jerk that says to a stranger “oh, family reasons- TELL ME MORE!”
It’s vague enough not to invite questions, but also optimistic and focuses the conversation back where you want it. Makes it sound like you always knew it was going to be temporary.
“Oh, lots of crazy personal stuff but mercifully that is all behind me and I’m really excited about work things!”
There was a recently divorced person who just started working with us. She told us immediately she was divorced and is bit negative about the whole thing. On the negative, it was very curt and you feel like you cannot say anything happy about marriage at all around her. On the positive, we know she is divorced and it is easy to avoid talking about it. I would say for mixers where you will not be around people for long term, just say you moved for an opportunity and missed home so jumped at the chance to move back. But if it is future co-workers who are bound to know you’ve gotten a divorce, I would be honest about it. Most of us understand our co-worker’s negativity about the whole thing. Divorce stinks, so we get it.
I would wear this on New Year’s Eve. I would not wear this to the office (in combination with camisole, blouse, or otherwise)…
I’ve just been offered a new job. It’s an awesome opportunity, and I’m going to take it because awesome opportunity. But it requires an average of one overseas business trip a month, and I have small kids (1 and 3).
My husband can handle things on the home front while I’m gone. I’m not worried about that. The thing that’s bothering me is that I don’t have any mom friends in this kind of job, nor do I have any mom friends who I think would even consider taking a job with this much travel. I’m not sure why it bothers me to be taking on this job without knowing anyone else like me who would, but for some reason it does. Maybe it’s because I’m in East Asia, in a country with some pretty traditional ideas about gender roles that I would be brazenly flaunting with this new role.
So, does anyone else have small kids and work a high-stakes job that requires a lot of international travel? I’d really like to hear from anyone else with small kids who’s making a go of it in a job that none of your friends would be willing to take because of long hours and overseas travel. Or, more broadly, does anyone have good stories of defying cultural expectations for mothers and just going for it in a job you’ve always wanted?
GO FOR IT. Kick some a$$. Be that woman. What an exciting opportunity for you! Cultural conventions can go hang.
Female combat vet
Not exactly the same, but my mom was a flight attendant. She was gone 3-4 days a week every week of my childhood. That childhood gave me the gifts of independence, a curiosity about other cultures, and a sense that it was completely normal for a woman to pack up and fly around the globe. All good things :)
That is awesome! This was one of my first career goals.
I am so tired of being around people who bemoan everything child-related in a negative way (oh, johnny is going to camp; it is going to be so hard on him going away). Every situation and opportunity is a chance for positive growth and change and I like to look at it that way (not bemoaning things that haven’t happened and assuming that a negative thing is a permanent end of the story and not its own springboard).
If I see one more person talk about how “resilient” their 3 year old is, I’m going to scream. At that age, your child is putty, literally and figuratively. No, XYZ will not be hard on them unless you freak out and make it a big deal.
I think this goes hand in hand with the discussion a few weeks back about the rise of the use of the word “uncomfortable” and not wanting to do anything or impose on anyone anything uncomfortable. Those in that mind set are applying it to their kids as well.
You are talking about my inlaws. I KNOW you are talking about my inlaws. OMG I so cannot deal with this mindset.
Another +1 to saying go for it! I used to have a high-powered job in East Asia, and while I didn’t have kids at the time, there were plenty of female managers and partners in my office who did. Most of them traveled more than once a month, and all of them were awesome. You have the massive bonus of having cheap childcare and housecare there, so use them!
My mom had a job like this for years starting when my brother and I were in middle/elementary school (so, not quite as young as your kids I realize, but young enough that we need a lot of hands-on parenting). It actually turned out to be great for our family, I think. Since she was gone usually one week of every month, my dad had to step up and do more housework, whereas previously my mom had done the 80’s supermom thing wherein she did all the housework and worked full time (right, this makes no sense).
My dad in turn taught my brother and I how to do laundry, prepare simple food, etc., at a pretty young age, and we have both been really grateful for these skills. I think it was also good for both of us to see that dads can perform all these household tasks as well. My mom would call us from her trips, and I never felt neglected or anything. I’m really proud of her for what she’s accomplished in her career, and I know her career means a lot to her (it’s still going strong).
I grew up in the U.S., in a neighborhood with many stay at home moms but also many moms who worked full time professional jobs, so the background is a bit different from yours, but I hope this helps.
Congratulations! I’m not in your position (don’t even have kids), but I think this could be a great growth opportunity for you and your whole family. Prove ’em wrong.
I think you can even look at dads for inspiration too. Men have been doing this for decades and their children have either turned out fine or haven’t for reasons unrelated to the fact that dad traveled. No one ever blames dad’s travel on the kid’s problems. I think if I were in your shoes I’d ignore any concern raised that wouldn’t be raised to a man – – unless it was about a true legal or safety issue for you as a woman in the place that you were traveling to. Not just generally sexist “safety” concern but more “you can be arrested for being in this country without a male escort” type of laws.
My travel schedule is a bit different, and more under my control, but I go out of the country 3-4 times a year, for 2-3 weeks at a time. My daughter is almost two, we plan on another kid. I didn’t travel for the first 11 months after my daughter was born, and will try to do that again for kid 2. Otherwise, it’s been fine. Backup support for my husband has been crucial – he has a more 9-5 job, but if I’m out of the country and kid gets sick, it would not be great for him to have to take 3 days in a row off of work. One of my parents usually flies in to stay, or we also have a few babysitters who are in college and so can cover some workday hours if necessary. Plus our nextdoor neighboor is a SAHM with whom we swap some care (she can sometimes pick up our daughter from daycare, we babysit for a date night). Build your village, with money if necessary, and it will be fine.
It may even be great. My daughter is still very strongly attached to me, but my travel has also strengthened my husband’s bond with her as well, which is awesome. After the first trip, he told me he felt like his love for her had “been turned up to 11.” And that all makes it easier to have truly equal parenting; mom can’t be the default parent when she’s not at home.
Oh, and I missed the East Asia part the first time around. I assume that means that you’ve got plenty of household help, in which case, even better!
I have small children and am in a very low-stakes job, but I think you should go for it, and I suffer pangs of envy that I do not have the opportunity to do something like that. My husband travels often for work and it is really no big deal to the kids, it becomes part of the routine, and they know that they will be fine, and both he and the kids seem to really appreciate the time when he is there more. Plus I think it is really good for kids and dad to have time with just the dad handling everything.
My mom had to work a lot of evenings when we were growing up so our dad was often on solo duty for music and sports and dinner and fun in the evenings. For what it’s worth my sister and I have close relationships with both parents, but we noticed that we have a closer relationship with our father than many of our peers. It’s been really nice in my 20s and 30s because we can talk about different topics than other father-daughters. I don’t know how to compare the younger years because despite both parents working full time they were in our business constantly and I didn’t realize that we had anything different than other families.
Do it. My mom was a single mom and did the same location/frequency for much of my childhood. I am better for it. Do it.
My sister-in-law did regular international travel when her kids were young, and she’s awesome and her kids are awesome. I think they’re really lucky to have a mom who loves her work, is great at it, and has a great career that’s just as important within their family as my brother’s career. Go for it!
Many women in Asia have small kids and travel a lot. Hired home help makes a big difference. I’m guessing you’re in Japan, Korea or Taiwan. Can you hire a nanny as needed?
Thank you all so much!
After reading everyone’s thoughts, I had a bit of a revelation. I’d been thinking of this as a zero-sum opportunity, i.e. I make career gains at the expense of my kids’ happiness. My default assumption was that my career gain would come at the family’s loss, but there’s no logical reason to assume that and it wildly underestimates the capabilities of both mothers and fathers.
Best case, I get to advance my career, my husband gets to have a closer relationship with our daughters, and they learn that it’s “completely normal for a woman to pack up and fly around the globe.” If they grow up thinking that, I’ll feel I’ve succeeded as a mom.
I’m going for it. Waving my thanks from the skies of Asia ;)
That was perfect.
I’m getting married in a few weeks and not changing my name. Any suggestions on how to address the various in-laws inquiries about why I didn’t change it? They’re very pushy people with very few redeeming qualities (DH has all but cut them off), but I can’t avoid this entirely. My current favorite response is “probably the same reason DH didn’t change his,” which is probably a bit rude. Although I’m not sure how much I care about not being rude…..
Don't make it a discussion
Keeping your name: if it is good enough for Elizabeth Taylor, it is good enough for me
(I also did not want to be confused with my husband’s ex-wife)
But, seriously, just don’t make it a discussion.
My actual reason is “I already have an established career under that name, so it is easier to just not change it.” But for people like that…I might go with the rude response. Or maybe…”because I didn’t want to.” Which should be reason enough for anyone!
I’m in a similar position, but my in-laws are well-meaning and lovely people who occasionally call me “the future Mrs. X” and noted that they’re waiting to monogram certain gifts until after I get my new initial. Nope, nope, nope. At first I thought this was my fiance’s issue to deal with, but that doesn’t make sense. It hasn’t come up since I’ve decided that it’s mine to address, and I still haven’t quite figured out a polite way to do so.
The comment threads on A Practical Wedding’s name-changing posts have some good responses. I think my favorite is, “Neither of us are changing our names.” I’m not sure what to do with the follow-up questions after that, but it seems like a firm and fair line. I’ll follow this thread with interest.
Meh, I didn’t change my name when I got married, but it doesn’t bother me when in-laws or friends address me as Mrs. HisLastName. I don’t think it has to be a thing you take a stance on. But my primary reason for not changing my name was that I’m apathetic on what my last name is, and this was easier, so I guess my way of handling it doesn’t translate if you feel strongly about keeping your name.
To the OP – maybe if you make it not a big deal, they’ll follow suit? Just don’t even acknowledge it (or their reaction when they find out)? I’d stick with “I didn’t want to.”
Tell them to go ahead and monogram – traditionally, gifts of housewares, linens, etc., are monogrammed with the bride’s maiden monogram, even if she’s changing her name.
I am never going to change my name and wouldn’t mind if people referred to me as the future Mrs. X, or even Mrs. X. To me that can mean wife of X, even though my name is Wild Kitten not Wild X. Like, if my bridal shower had decor saying the future Mrs. X it wouldn’t make me feel like I am expected to actually change my name. Like how Beyonce had her celebratory Mrs. Carter tour even though her legal name is Beyonce Knowles-Carter. I realize I am literally wrong and if these people are also waiting to monogram your stuff they probably mean it literally.
So, I realize I’m in the minority here, but I absolutely do mind. I get called Mrs. HisLastName all the time, and we get mail addressed to Dr. and Mrs. HisLastName, But I’m the Dr! I wouldn’t mind if this went both ways (he also gets called Mr. MyLastName), but naturally that does not happen. It is just not something that I can feel okay with, ever. No one needs to know how strongly I feel about this, but family/people I know reasonably well should call me the right name, and preferably not give me crap about how it’s not romantic or not being a united family or what have you.
Neither of us changed our names.
Because I didn’t want to.
Building on “same,” how about “Neither of us wanted to change our name.” And if they ask why you don’t want to change your name, you could say “for the same reasons DH didn’t want to change his name.” If they get into traditions, importance of family name, etc., you could say “isn’t it wonderful how things have changed in that regard? So, how is the bean dip?”
My usual (though not with my in-laws) is “I don’t have a compelling reason to change my name.” This is great IF you want to invite discussion! Otherwise, I like the “neither of use are changing our names.” A little less confrontational than your idea, but gets the same point across.
I wouldn’t give actual, concrete reasons. Because you don’t really need a reason NOT to change your name.
Yeah, this is really the source of my irritation; I don’t need a reason! And to be clear, I would welcome it as an honest question from people with whom I have a good rapport. Unfortunately, that’s not the situation here.
You know, I’m personally a fan of just being honest, especially with difficult people. Whatever your reason, I’d just say it and not put it up for discussion – if you get push-back, I’d shrug and say something like “well, we’ll just have to disagree on this one”. For what it’s worth, I didn’t change my name for a variety of reasons – I married really late in life for the first time, have an established career, my own thoughts on feminism, we’re not having kids, etc. and I find this a really uncomfortable topic as it feels a little loaded with judgment even if you’re not judging someone else’s choices (I feel this way with all things wedding, actually). I recently read that something like only 20 or 30% of newly married women keep their names in the US today and was shocked – in my circles it’s rarer to change, but it helped me understand why I get so many questions about it.
I think if you tell them you don’t have a reason to change your name they will view it as an opportunity to pelt you with reasons.
My parents have been together for over 40 years, and her response is, “Jane Doe loves Joe Schmoe.” She never changed her name, but was ok with being called Mrs. Scmoe socially.
Yes! Mrs. Schmoe socially. I should have read this comment before I wrote my diatribe about Beyonce.
A simple matter of fact “I’ve always been Jane Doe, and that’s still who I am.” As someone who didn’t change her name, it also seems way easier not to change it (no bureaucracy! no new IDs!). My mother also didn’t change hers and we never ran into any problems.
L in DC
Yeah, I’ve dealt with this too. For in-laws asking why I’m keeping my name, I just say “for professional reasons.” That appears to do the trick (even though it’s not the whole truth). If it’s my own family or friends asking, I’ll give an unfiltered, thoughtful response about all the various reasons why I don’t like the name-change tradition. It’s something I feel strongly about, but my in-laws are otherwise lovely people and it isn’t worth getting into with them (and it’s not like I’m going to change their minds on the subject). They can send me letters addressed to “Mrs. [my husband’s last name]” all they want and I choose to just sort of lovingly roll my eyes. It helps that my husband is 100% in my court on this.
I told people we’d both decided to keep our names.
I think the “we’re not changing names” is potentially off putting bc it presumes a conflict between tradition and feminism and takes a stance. I’d call people out for being intrusive without engaging further. I’d do it this way: I’d state the fact that I’m not changing my name (they may just want to know for future reference how to address you), and if they follow that up with a “why” question, I’d put my hand on their shoulder, lean in and say “well aren’t you sweet!” and maybe add a “Can you get me a drink? / help me find my husband? / etc.” and completely ignore their question. Only the rudest will ask twice and then say whatever you want.