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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dorian Cropped Cotton-Canvas Jacket

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A woman sitting down wearing a green Lady Jacket, jeans, and carrying a brown handbag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This cropped blazer from Alix of Bohemia is one of my new favorites in the “lady jacket” genre. The tailoring is impeccable, and the tonal trim looks so sophisticated. I would wear this buttoned up with a pair of high-waisted trousers for a polished office outfit.

The jacket is $950 at NET-A-PORTER and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

CeCe has a more affordable option in both straight sizes and plus sizes for $159 at Nordstrom.

Not really into green? Some of our latest favorite lady jackets for work include sweater jackets from ba&sh, Boden, and J.Crew. (M.M.LaFleur just got some also!) On the budget side of things, check out Mango, Tuckernuck (XXS-XXL), and CeCe. If you prefer a lined, more Chanel-style jacket for work, do take a look at IRO and L'Agence; Mango, J.Crew Factory, and Madewell often have them at budget-friendly prices.

all cotton lady jacket sweater in a black and white stripe
J.Crew
pink sweater Chanel-style jacket; woman wears them with ivory jeans
ba&sh
woman stands against wall; she wears a beige lady jacket with piped details along the edge, a beige and black polka dot sweater beneath it, and orangey-red pants
Boden (exact)
white knit lady jacket cardigan
CeCe

Sales of note for 4/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – 7,710 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event: 30% off your entire purchase, including 100s of new arrivals
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
  • Boden – 25% off everything (ends 4/27) (a rare sale!)
  • The Fold – Up to 25% off
  • Eloquii – Spring Clearance: Up to 75% off + extra 50-60% off sale
  • J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Up to 60% off sale styles + up to 50% off summer-ready styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100 + extra 20% off $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – 3 pieces for $198. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off entire purchase, includes markdowns

389 Comments

      3. I don’t doubt that PE destroyed the company, but before PE took over Jo-Ann had morphed from a fabric store into a basically a junk warehouse. The fabric was all garbage, patterns were always out of stock in the size I wanted, waits at the cutting table were interminable, and you had to wade through a lot of dollar store-type seasonal kitsch. They didn’t sell good brands of sewing machines. There was virtually no apparel fabric, only stiff cheap quilting and craft fabric at ridiculously high prices.

        1. Agree; the one near me had become more like a craft-themed Oriental Trading catalogue rather than quality sewing supplies. I’m hoping the local yarn stores and local sewing stores see an uptick in business now that the big box option is gone.

          1. I was at my local fabric store last weekend and they said they’d already seen a slight increase in business and Joanns hasn’t even closed yet.

        2. This is true in my experience with Jo-Anns. The fabric selection had become abysmal. But I appreciated that I could make a 10 min trip and grab thread if I realized I needed a color I didn’t have or pick up elastic if I had the wrong width. It kept me from having to resort to Amazon.

        3. This also sounds like PE – the business was taken over by MBAs who don’t understand or appreciate the core business.

          1. Yep this is exactly what happened. The head of their sewing division has never seen a sewing pattern before, but they had an MBA!

        4. Agree. I think partly it’s that sewing isn’t “in” at the moment. Or as they say here, isn’t on trend. My large city used to have two exquisite, destination fabric stores, some dedicated upholstery fabric stores, and numerous smaller fabric stores. You could buy nice fabric to make lasting clothes from several pattern companies. There was not one single bolt of anything that I would have used to make anything wearable at Joann’s. I went occasionally for some notions. Their sales, coupon structure, and app requirements were gimmicky and tiresome.

          I’ve thought about this a lot, as a former sewer (I know “sewist” is a word now) who sees very simple designs at, say, Boden or Cos for a couple hundred dollars that just don’t need to be. And that has been my conclusion: that we just need for sewing to come back in the way knitting has. Although where would the fabric come from, these days? I imagine the domestic mills are gone and as for non-domestic, well, tariffs. So it may take a while.

          In WWII, women took apart knitted goods and re-used the wool. Not sure that can happen with current sewn clothing.

          1. A few years ago quilting was in fashion, and there were plenty of local quilting shops with lovely fabric. But I haven’t been able to buy apparel fabric since fabric.com got bought out by Amazon, and I really hated buying fabric on line.

            The knitting trend doesn’t help me find yarn because it’s all wool and cashmere. I wish someone would come out with high-end cotton and/or acrylic yarn.

          2. You’re right. It isn’t on-trend, and thus, I think it is (partly) a demand problem (but also a PE problem).
            It will be hard for sewing, especially pattern-based apparel sewing, to have the comeback that knitting (and even embroidery) had because it’s not as portable. I see people out and about with knitting in their bags. When I have a cross stitch project, similarly, I’ll carry it with me to work on if I’m stuck waiting somewhere. I cannot bring my sewing machine out that way, nor can I even do non-machine work like laying out pattern pieces or pinning while waiting at a kid activity.
            (Mostly unrelated: I really wish I could tat lace. My great grandmother always had a shuttle in her pocket and anytime she sat down, she was tatting. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone who could teach me, and I don’t think it’s the kind of thing I could teach myself from YouTube, for example.)

          3. It’s a chicken-and-egg problem. Sewing can’t come back into fashion until it’s possible to buy fabric.

          4. My large urban local newspaper discontinued the syndicated sewing column about ten years ago. And I read that the federal government about ten or twenty years ago moved the economic category of sewing clothes from a job or household contribution to a hobby, because it is just so much cheaper to buy the clothes (and fabric) already made

    2. I was lamenting this weekend, after scrounging what was left of the notions at my local JoAnns, that virtually every WalMart used to have a fabric/sewing section, and every city of any size also had at least one other fabric store, like Hancocks. At least, this was true in the Southeast, where I grew up. Now, I’ll have to drive more than half an hour, even in ITP Atlanta, to get a place with a decent thread selection, for example. It makes picking up any kind of sewing project harder and further reduces demand, which just makes me sad.

      1. Yes. Walmart used to be the go-to for semi-necessary crafts or sewing, and Target the go-to for less necessary crafts, like scrapbooking

        Didn’t Michael’s used to have more fabric options? I used to think Michael and Joann were brother and sister, like Denny’s and Wendy’s.

    4. The sewists I know buy a lot of fabric online. That’s what happened to most brick and mortar stores.

      1. Fabric is hard to shop for online. Near me there are great options though (a locally owned enthusiast place, an industry overstock discount warehouse, etc.).

      2. Where can you buy anything other than quilting fabric on line since Amazon bought out and ruined fabric.com?

    5. My mother bought all the fabric for my wedding and bridesmades dresses in Miami in the Garment District back in the 80s. I just googles and there are still local fabric stores. I am guessing if you are serious about sewing, you would have to go to large cities to obtain good quality fabric. I am sad that everything is going to crap.

      1. I think sewing is coming back in fashion, especially alterations, mending and upcycling, but not mainstream back.

        I’ve actually been fabric shopping today, and did just what you mentioned – I went to a traditional fabric and haberdashery store in a garment district of a major (European) city. Got some lovely deadstock Italian cotton drill for trousers, and a secondhand silk skirt to harvest for pocketing and lining. My local big box fabric store is going strong, but as my skill level has increased, my pickiness has as well.

  2. It’s a Monday and it’s very gray here. I am fortunate to have a job and know I have about 15 things on the to-do list, but after weeks and weeks of jumping from crisis to crisis, I just… don’t have any motivation this morning.

    I know it’ll pick up later today, but… I just finished doing my standard Monday Morning Admin stuff (approve time sheets, double check that critical meetings have all mission critical people invited because our admin is new) after logging on nice and early because every day has been nonstop and… I think I just might sneak away for an hour and get in a workout. WWYD? (For context, I’ve been regularly working 6am-7am, then 8a-5p with no breaks, then 8pm-11PM and I am TIRED.)

    1. I’d definitely sneak away and if you’re up for it, work out — but if your body and brain needs something more gentle, a walk/wander can do a lot. The schedule you have right now might be unavoidable, but if you can ease up a bit, then please do — this is a path to serious burnout, which can be hard to recover from. But for today, definitely take the break.

      Good luck.

      1. +1

        I’m sorry you’re going through a rough stretch, OP. Have been there, done that, and no, it’s not sustainable. But you know that. Take some time today, guilt free.

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    3. This feels like a pattern for you but literally you don’t get a reward for being a martyr. You don’t have to live life on the hardest setting possible. You don’t need anyone’s permission to take an hour to workout.

      1. For real. This kind of schedule has diminishing returns. Unless this is a short term issue, you need to figure out a better way to handle your work.

        1. I need this on a t-shirt. And a mug. And a bumper sticker. And maybe tattooed on my arm.

      4. Yes, this. OP – you should try remind yourself of these things regularly. And go workout today, no one will care.

    4. You’ve been working 65 hours a week!
      Could I talk you into only working 8 hours today?

      1. to you and the above poster – yes, I am 100% working only the minimum today I think and no, I’m not compensated well enough for this to be work it long term. I think I had whined that because of a perfect storm of things happening, work just sucks right now.

    1. I love mint green, but I’ve accepted that it’s really not a great color on me. Mid-tone greens that have a touch of blue work better with my complexion.

  4. Looking for recipes for good freezer meals I can just microwave. I will be going on a trip and want to have stuff ready for the week I will come back that I can just heat up

    1. I usually buy a frozen dinner or pizza for that first night home

      Do you do slow cooking or crock pot? It is easy to freeze some chicken breast with marinade, then thaw in fridge overnight, then put into crock pot. Add rice or salad or both

      Similarly I do a lot of baked potatoes – I “bake” them in the crockpot, or you can microwave them in about ten minutes

    2. If it were me, I would make a big pot of chili (maybe turkey chili with lots of beans and vegetables), and then portioning it out in individual soup containers and freezing them. You could even lay plastic wrap over the top to avoid freezer burn! Just make sure you remove it before putting the chili cup in the microwave.

      1. I love Souper Cubes for this! I freeze pasta, soup, rice, everthing in them. The great thing about the 2 cup ones is that 4 blocks fit perfectly into a gallon-size freezer ziploc. I got some of the $3 similar ones at Target a week ago and they’re nowhere near as good.

    3. Freezer -> straight to microwave is almost always going to Do Things to the texture, and I have yet to find something that can survive that journey without getting disappointing. Are you open to air fryer or instant pot? Takes a bit longer than the microwave, but gives some more options.

      1. This is why I find it’s better to defrost first at about 30% power for 3 minutes in the microwave, and then nuke it at full strength or bake it, depending on what it is. If it’s rice (or rice-like) then I’ll add an ice cube while microwaving it.

        Mac and cheese and anything with chicken breast needs to be baked again, in my experience. I kind of avoid chicken breast in freezer meals because it always tastes rubbery.

        Chicken thighs freeze a lot better. Ground beef, ground turkey.

  5. I know we have some Canadian citizens here, and I am wondering (in all seriousness) whether Americans are welcome as tourists right now. Very possible I am projecting, but I am so incredibly embarrassed by the actions of my country and its current leadership I am rethinking two trips I have planned for later this year as I suspect I would just need to hang my head in shame the whole time. I know you can’t speak for the entire country, but what is the sentiment? I think the right thing to do is go as planned, and support Canada with my tourism dollars, but just wondering if the sentiment is “please just stay home.” Help.

    1. As an American tourist in Canada you are totally fine. There are like actual real problems in the world and this anxiety isn’t one of them.

      2. My husband and I aren’t traveling or making plans for the next year to do so. I’m sure we’d be fine, but we don’t really feel like being associated with our ridiculous lawmakers at the moment. We can travel later.

        1. I can assure you that no one is confusing you with any sort of official emissary. Probably quite the opposite if you arrive in coach class or a basic private car.

    2. As long as you aren’t a MAGAt and fly under the radar you’ll be fine.

      I’ve definitely called by-law on MAGA cars that are illegally parked, so if you’re driving be extra careful about following all the laws of the road.

    3. I was skiing at Jay Peak this weekend which straddles the US/VT border. I shared a chairlift with lots of Canadians and the entire vibe is “we all agree this is a stupid situation, this is not about the actual citizens of the country.”

    4. As someone who works with Canadians on a daily basis, creating more distance is not the answer. You want to help the heal the world? Get out into it and participate with your whole self, not with your head down in shame.

  6. Help! I am late-30s, partner at a firm, I am receiving an award this Wednesday that involves a photo shoot (pic will cover my industry’s regional publication). Two days ago, I purchased a new tweezers to tweeze my upper lip. (Revlon, came in a package.) I came home, opened it, and tweezed both sides of my lip. As of Sat PM, only on one side of my mouth, above my lip, I have developed extremely dry, red skin. I have never had a cold sore in my life. I have had ingrown hairs on other areas, but there is no “bump” or raised spot. It hurts, kinda burning, but like dry skin on my hands would feel, not like it is on fire. I have not worn makeup in 2 days, I tried sleeping with aquaphor on it but now it is more red. I do not have a derm. so not sure who to call. What the heck is this and how do I calm it down before Weds.?

    1. You should have a derm, if only for mole patrol. Look up who takes your insurance and can get you in asap for this emergency visit.

      (They look scary but I prefer those weird wire things for lip hairs or just the Tinkle razor.)

      2. Witch hazel, which is in hemorrhoid creams. I like the pre-moistened pads, like Tucks, but you can also find it in a bottle if you prefer.

    4. I get cold sores and they come on fast so whenever I have weird lip-skin stuff I start with carmex.

      If it hasn’t obviously shown itself to be a cold sore and has not improved after 12 hours, I move to neosporin. If still no improvement, I use an OTC antifungal foot cream (my PCP confirmed it is safe to use on my face). I have never had a scenario where one of those three fails to show marked improvement, but if I was waiting to get in with a derm that’s what I would do in the meantime. Concealer for the event.

    5. If the cause is tweezing, I’d use cortisone cream. Every mysterious rash is treated with this by derms.

      1. My doctor just prescribed this for a “mysterious rash” on my face and I didn’t fill it because I didn’t understand what it would help. It’s gone away, but maybe I should fill it to have it for a future next time.

          1. The risk/reward ratio doesn’t add up to me, even if doctors love to throw steroids at things. I don’t need to thin my skin or give myself local immune suppression on my face, not to mention the list of side effects, or the recent studies on withdrawal symptoms.

          2. lol using a mild steroid one time is not going to cause a cascade of horribles.

            I do not understand why people see doctors if they aren’t going to follow the doctor’s entirely predictable advice.

          3. What’s so great about using the steroids though? And why pay $$$ to see a derm who is just going to recommend an OTC?

          4. What’s so great about them? They work.

            And if you’re paying for a $$$ derm before exhausting your OTC options, that’s on you. It’s a little like being upset that your doctor recommends cold medicine for a cold when you have not yet taken any cold medicine…

          5. But often not taking them works too, so what’s the argument for the intervention?

            If I’m going to pay $$$ to see a specialist, I want them to follow up-to-date science backed medicine, and throwing steroids at everything like it’s NBD is lazy and out of date. That’s why I’m not self treating with OTC hydrocortisone and why I’m not filling a script for something that will resolve without it, but without the risk of getting some in my eye that only I can manage.

          7. Doctors hate patients who want a script for every little thing too, so there’s no winning.

        2. If you think thinning skin is even in the risk/reward equation when talking short-term use for a rash, then I don’t think you should be patting yourself on the back for outsmarting your doctors so fast. It’s also not a sign that your doctor isn’t keeping up with modern treatment. By the way, the less something has been tested, the greater the likelihood your insurance won’t cover and that side effects may not be as known.

          Good luck if you ever develop eczema is all I have to say.

  7. What counts as a good weekend for you? After too long with extremely lazy weekends I’ve been trying to be more productive. Got 2 workouts in, date night, some weeding and garden stuff, got my teen new shoes. I’m pretty pleased!

    1. For me a good weekend isn’t consumed with regular chores. It will feature some sort of live performance, either as an audience member or as a performer, an outing like a hike or museum trip, or a big house project.

      1. It varies by person. I get a sense of accomplishment from doing chores and being ready for the week. Museums and shows exhaust me. But I always end with good Sunday night television, usually british.

      1. Funny, I like an adventure, and finishing my errands! I like getting all my grocery shopping and laundry done on a weekend so I don’t have to squeeze it into a weekday night (so tiring!).

    3. As long as I get outside, I’m happy. If the weather is really awful, it might not be for a long time, but better to at least get out for a bit.

    5. Mine tend to be lopsided and rotate overall for balance, vs. each one having a similar mix. Sometimes homebodies catching up on house stuff, sometimes on a long weekend getaway, sometimes more social, sometimes more active (esp. when it’s beautiful out!) sometimes couch potatoes…

      1. +1. This weekend we had kid activities on Sat and nothing on Sun, so Sat night we went out to a movie and then Sun I did a lot of cooking projects, laundry, cleaning up, etc., and DH worked in the yard.

      2. Yeah, I like a mix of “keeping on top of maintenance tasks I don’t otherwise have time for” and “lazy do nothing weekend” and “fun adventure time”.
        If I have any one of those types of weekends too many times in a row I get itchy.

    6. I like a mix of laziness and productivity or fun things. I don’t regret spending the day on the couch reading or watching movies with my teens, but also appreciate being caught up on laundry and having the house clean to start the week. I also like when we can get outside for a hike. We try and do something “fun” which could be trying a new restaurant or going to a show (our local university puts on great stuff!) every other weekend. We also like to take short road trips.

      1. Same here. And it doesn’t feel like a weekend if I didn’t connect with friends or family in a meaningful way.

        I love having a mix of being active and resting. If I spend too much time lounging on the couch, I don’t feel great or as refreshed as I’d like.

    7. Has to be a mix for me. I want a few good meals, fun excursions, etc but also need to move the yard stick on home tranquility and order (especially because we traveled at Xmas and I have been very busy at work and with big kid sports, so was behind). We just had nine days off for our winter break and my two big kids were away on Spring Break trips so we were just home with the three little ones. I did a few days of skiing, mani-pedis, movies, museum trip for a special butterfly exhibit and a few meals out with the little girls. My husband is a home body who loathes excursions so I did those. But I also finished repainting my kitchen cabinets, donated a box of baby stuff, did some errands like finally getting to the tailor, selected a new stone slab for a table top, replaced a toilet seat, built and upholstered a pelmet for my kitchen window, bought and assembled a bed, reorganized the garage, and deep cleaned all my main floor baseboards and walls, laundered my sofa slipcovers and steam cleaned the family room rug, and annoying things like sorted all the odd socks in the sock bin and dragged out my barrack box of uniforms to launder for a new state of dress we just had announced. We hosted a birthday party with friends for my two year old and had a few great meals of high end steaks etc. Got all of my work outs in. That’s pretty good for me. Strikes the right balance.

    8. I’ve noticed that my best weekends are kicked off with some sort of Friday night event. If I go to a show or see friends on Friday night, the rest of the weekend can be low-key, but it feels longer and more satisfying than if I just hang at home on Friday.

    9. An extremely lazy weekend is a good weekend. I don’t know why you feel like you need to change that.

    1. The colors here are so pretty. I love lady jackets. Always a bit wistful when they come back in style since they don’t work for me. (As a well-endowed hourglass, that high neckline plus boxy cut obscures my waist and turns my look into Wall O’ Bosom.)

      1. I am not well-endowed (the opposite end of the spectrum, actually), but am a cusp-sized pear and also feel very…cube-shaped whenever I try to make a lady jacket work. I have a coworker who looks fantastic in them, though.

        1. Yeah. These jackets aren’t for me. Neither is this color, though lord knows I tried to make it work multiple times in my young life.

        3. I used to wear them all the time but at this point I feel like this is about the millionth time I’ve seen them cycle through (I vividly remember wearing a jacket very similar to the pink one in the post above on my orientation day for the job I just retired from!) and I’m kind of over it.

    2. WOuld you wear it all the way buttoned like this? Or open? I struggle with completer pieces and am not sure what I’d wear underneath. Also, I struggle with “is it outerwear”? or is it something you’d wear inside at your desk (my desk, definitely, since I’m under a blower and our furniture is bolted down).

      1. As another well-endowed lady, I love these and wear them a lot, but I never button them up. I wear them open over a shell of some type tucked into mid-rise pants (I am very short waisted; high rise pants make me look like I have no torso so I give them a pass whenever they cycle back around).

        I love the buttoned up look – on other people.

    3. I’m immediately attracted to it. But I don’t need a waist length jacket with my mama belly hanging out below it.

  9. I’m fascinated by the Orville Peck story in the paper today – country music has accepted a guy who wears masks all the time? Some of them look like lampshades or gimp masks. No shade to him, I’m just shocked that audience was accepting.

    1. Bro country often appropriates things from rock and metal, seems like a natural progression that some artists would adopt a mask and costume aesthetic.

    2. I know! Weird right? But country music is not a monolith and neither is its audience. Fans have been fighting about what is and isn’t country since forever. Fun fact: there were people upset when Hank Williams hired a drummer.

  10. How often do you buy fine jewelry? Do you buy neutral classics or statement pieces? While shopping for wedding bands a diamond tennis bracelet caught my eye. I’ve convinced myself it’s a good investment because I can wear it with anything. Aside from my engagement ring my other jewelry are mostly nice costume pieces. But I’m not sure if giving into the urge is going to create an insatiable diamond-craving monster

    1. Do you plan on having kids soon? Because of that I wash my hands 1000x more than prior and everything is sticky. So my main jewelry is a Qalo ring.

    3. I buy one niece piece per year, and yes, I’m obsessed and enjoy the process. I keep a pinterest and save photos of pieces I love so that I can be sure I’m buying a style that I won’t get tired of within a couple years. I started building up a classic, simple collection little by little, (diamond studs, hoops, bracelets, etc). Now that I have the basics, I am only picking statement pieces. But I also think that’s a factor of getting older. I’m less in favor of dainty, delicate pieces on more mature women (to me, they look a bit diminutive). I’ve gotten more gravitas as I’ve gotten older, and my pieces reflect that.

      1. Same exactly! I only buy and wear real jewelry, nothing costume. I have a fabulous collection at this point and will pass it down one day to my nieces. It’s how I celebrate milestones and achievements so everything has a story too.

        1. Same. I don’t find joy in costume jewelry but I do love vintage and antique pieces. It’s fun to search for them and to find the pieces that still resonate with a more modern aesthetic.

    4. It depends on how wealthy you are and whether the jewelry purchase would compromise other goals.

      There was a diamond necklace I fell in love with while shopping for wedding bands that would have been perfect with my wedding dress. It actually wasn’t that expensive in the grand scheme of things, but not something a 25-year-old paying student loans could afford at the time. A couple of decades later I still think longingly of that necklace whenever I get dressed up.

      1. I was obsessed with a pair of earrings I saw in a jewelry store window I used to pass every day on my way home from work. I even went in and tried them on but convinced myself they were too expensive.

        Years later I found the exact earrings on eBay. They were being sold by a jewelry store that specialized in vintage/estate jewelry. I know that 5-10 years old is not vintage, but I was so amazed to find them and bought them immediately. I still love them!

    5. I almost never buy anything. My studs get a lot of use. Pearl earrings that almost never get used but still glad I own. I have gone up and down in size and having rings adjusted hurts their integrity. So stick with my wedding and engagement ring but nothing else. Just my opinion, but I don’t think tennis bracelets are all that timeless. I’d be tempted to go with lab created if I liked the look. I think there are better options for something you want to be wearing long term.

      2. Definitely just your opinion

        Diamond tennis bracelets are about 100 years old and nearly always appropriate

        2. When is the last time you saw a 70 y/o wearing? They were big in the 80s and back now with other dainty jewelry but wouldn’t put it in the same timeless category as say stud earrings.

          3. All the time actually. Diamond tennis bracelets aren’t my personal thing because I’m not a diamond girl. I’m more of a gold and pearl girl. But they’re timeless. And the kind of thing you can wear every day alongside your watch and not even think about it.

          4. As a pushing-70 Old, my observation is that tennis bracelets were quite popular in the 80s or so, then seemed to disappear for a very long time before their recent resurgence.

          5. I didn’t know they were coming back. The one really nice piece I inherited from my mother is a gold tennis bracelet. My ring is white gold but the bracelets looks nice with my two-toned watch.

    6. never. my parents bought me like one thing and my mother died early so i inherited some, and DH has offered to buy me some, but i think it’s a waste of $, so in 13 years of marriage, 19 years together, other than my engagement and wedding band, nothing. we have combined finances so i honestly dont get the idea of a spouse ‘buying’ for someone else

      1. Same. Growing up this was super gendered in my family— my mom never bought herself any fancy jewelry but would shop with my dad and then he would choose something (with the jewelers help) and give her these beautiful gifts for bdays, Mother’s Day and Christmas. It’s very icky to me now, I can’t imagine my husband doing this (spending this kind of money or giving it to me as a gift). Apart from my wedding bands, zero in 15 years of marriage.

        I’m not really a jewelry girlie so never really attracted my attention to get for myself.

      2. Same. I have one pearl necklace from a grandma, a diamond pendant that is not at all my style an ex-step-parent bought for me as a graduation gift to assuage their guilt, and DH bought me a gemstone necklace for my bday our first year married because he succumbed to marketing drivel and didn’t believe me that what I really wanted was a student loan payment.

        I like and wear the pearl necklace, and my husband understands that random metal and stones are not at all to my liking.

      3. We share our money and have alternated as the breadwinner over the years. I like to pick out jewelry occassionally as a birthday present from my honey as a splurge on something frivolous. It works for us.

    7. I splurge on earrings every few years because I am always wearing them. Bracelets are only an occasional thing for me – they tend to annoy me during the day even when flexible – so before dropping any serious cash, do you already frequently wear bracelets?

    9. Never. Every five years or so, I might ask DH for a piece for a birthday or Christmas gift. But on the whole, I rotate through a few favorite pieces and that’s it.

    10. i regret most of the fine jewelry i bought when i was in my 20s because styles have changed, both in jewelry and my own personal style. i also feel like in your 20s there’s a lot of dressing up to go to people’s weddings and all of that peters away by your mid 30s for the most part. so unless you’ve got an opera membership or regular charity dinners you probably won’t wear it too often.

      1. I wear evening and c–tail attire more in my 40s than I did in my 20s. I do have an opera subscription, which is not something I ever imagined, but I definitely don’t attend charity galas because they are not my scene.

    11. I like small jewelry pieces, not big statement pieces. I have over the years collected a lot of small stud earrings and pendants, and a few rings and bracelets. I like having real metal pieces that last forever. I just took a small bag of broken and dented pieces and extra bits of chain to a place that buys metals and got a nice check, as the metals have gotten really expensive.

      1. All the people who come here asking for advice for their yearly international vacation.

        But seriously, most of us here have enough money that we could buy nice jewelry if it were a priority. I’m sure we spend thousands a year (combined) on other pleasures and conveniences.

        (And the economy was actually great until 6 weeks ago, lol)

        1. “in this economy” is a meme/joke. Even though the economy was doing great until the new regime started all of their BS, inflation had still been high for a while – I don’t know about you but I haven’t had an extra $2k or whatever to spend on jewelry EVER.

          I can’t believe I feel like I need to state this but yes, even though inflation was high and it was impacting my bottom line I ofc voted for Kamala. I’d rather have high inflation than fascism!!!

          1. Lol blame Monday morning for that going over my head!

            I also have never spent $2K+ on jewelry aside from my engagement ring, but I do have at least $2K a year discretionary dollars. I just choose to spend it elsewhere.

    13. I love that people do this. It’s beautiful and special and you deserve it. But for me? Real money goes to stocks and real estate. My engagement ring stone is a hand me down and everything else is fake or gifted.

      1. This is fascinating. My husband did everything to convince me that real estate is an investment. I just find it to be a complete hassle.

      2. Well I have a stock and real estate portfolio too but I also like pretty things. It’s not either or.

    14. A few times a year but more like $1000 or less most of the time. I have splashed out for $5000 pieces now and then.

  11. Has anyone ever limewashed inside walls? I saw a reel where it looks like plaster. I have an old house with many plaster walls (but due to some prior remodels, also drywall). The plaster walls just look nicer and I swear those rooms are also quieter. I’ve never heard of this before but am very intrigued.

    1. Are you doing it just for aesthetics? The real benefit of actual lime wash is that it’s breathable which is what you want over raw plaster. Putting limewash over polymer based paints is pretty useless though, so you can just do the ‘faux’ limewash look thing using matte wall paint.

      1. Tell me more about fake limewashing. I am all about texture. Also had a water leak recently, so maybe real / breathing is a feature not a bug.

    2. I wouldn’t put any kind of textured finish on drywall. It never looks as nice as you think and you can never, ever change it or remove it.

      2. That’s how I feel about wallpaper. And any pinteresty sort of painting other than stenciling (and then: I am picky picky picky about colors and authentic patterns and also not Amish and live in the SEUS where this would likely look like a hot mess).

        1. We bought a house where the walls had been stenciled and painted over. No amount of sanding would remove the outline of the stenciling.

  12. I’ve been on a shopping ban since the inauguration, only buying essentials. Between the nice weather and a likely upcoming career change I’m feeling so restless and want some nice spring stuff for my “new” life. I even got a pedicure over the weekend to try to feel like I was getting something new without shopping, but that didn’t have the effect I’d hoped for.

      1. Well, I am changing careers because this is the field I work in and it’s obviously no longer a sustainable, secure option. Manage to still have a job for now, but I don’t anticipate it will be for long… I used to work for USAID and now am at an NGO.

        I have never felt the itch to spend just to spend (must be nice to have that kind of cash!)… was more feeling that my life and career are in shambles and (while I obviously should be saving for a rainy day) I’d also like a little pick me up.

        1. And clearly from someone who doesn’t have a job saving lives… I do not directly save lives like a doctor or a firefighter, but I work in human services and people would die without my agency’s support…

          Anyone who works in this kind of career knows that sometimes you just need the pedicure because it might be just enough of a treat to keep you showing up the next day.

          1. Sorry, just trying to help! It sounded like you didn’t actually enjoy the pedicure and were looking for advice of something else to buy. You said you didn’t want to spend money because you were protesting the administration, so I was just trying to share something in line with those views. If you’d made your question more clear, I’d have given a different answer ( or just not answered, because I still don’t understand what you’re actually asking. Do you want to buy something or not? Do you need things for your new job? Buy those.).

          2. Yeah I didn’t enjoy the pedicure because holy heck it was expensive. Usually having my nails done makes me feel put together and “on it” but for whatever reason it didn’t this time. I think I was just stressed about spending $45+tip on a basic pedicure. I’m fine with spending money to support local businesses or major ones that haven’t dropped DEI like a hot potato – I am definitely not shopping from Amazon and Target right now but I’m not opposed to spending money elsewhere – though I’m trying to save up ahead of my upcoming unemployment.

            I don’t “need” things for my new job because I don’t know where I’ll land yet. But rather, it’s spring, it’s sunny, and I want to go buy a fun new sundress or something even though I shouldn’t

    2. Get some of your favorites dry cleaned, it’s amazing how great refreshing your clothes makes them feel.

      1. That’s good advice if you have a health savings account since the benefit won’t be payable if you lose your job. I’d be spending this year’s FSA amount on glasses or other qualifiable things now.

      2. Ooh yes I do love trying a new lip color. Thank you! Sounds like a good compromise of something new but also only $10

        1. Get a $40ish lipstick and you’ll feel more excited about it. YSL and Chanel are good candidates. And then you’re not guessing what color the drugstore lipstick is actually going to be on you.

          But you also have my permission to get some new clothing for your career change! That is eminently reasonable spending.

    4. I am an enabler, so sorry not sorry – but this sounds like a perfect chance to pick a rainy Saturday, go to different thrift stores in your area, and enjoy a nice hot matcha latte. Or do a thredup haul, if you’re looking just for clothes.

    5. Whenever I feel the need to shop while I’m in a personal shopping ban, the library is my go-to. Browse the shelves, indulge in aspirations for your future self, and if it wears off quickly then there’s no buyer’s remorse because it was free.

    6. Some ideas:
      1) for a fun break: what about other experiences like a comedy club, movie night or a concert? A bottle of good wine, new nail polish, hair mask, new plant, join a hiking club.

      2) to prepare you for the upcoming career change: resume/career coach, haircut, stylist/closet organizing session.

  13. I’m looking for a few light or medium weight, crew-neck sweaters in the $30-60 range that come in a few color options. Does anyone have a recommendation? So many of the sweaters I’m seeing are cropped which is not what I’m looking for.

    1. J Crew Factory has a lightweight cotton one that always comes in a bunch of colors.

        1. 2nd the Banana Forever sweater. I have them in every color. They really make my wardrobe just work together.

      2. I like this one too and have it in like 8 colours. The downsides are it pills (but that’s expected) and the black one fades and looks quite sad pretty quickly, even though I wash on cold.

      2. Also, OP, where are you finding the cropped sweaters? Because that’s what I’m looking for – spring-y sweaters that aren’t too long.

        1. I am looking specifically for cropped cardigans but not in wool/cashmere/alpaca/acrylic, not super thick. These are for the warmer months. If anyone has recommendations, I welcome them.

  14. Pet peeve. Doctors who always want you to go to the ER. No. You are my doctor. I am not sitting in the ER for 9 hours catching flu and Covid and measles. If you think I have some heart issue I will come in to your office and let you take a listen. If you have concerns after that sure I will go. They act like everything is a crisis but like, your office has 47 providers if none of you have time to see me it obviously isn’t that concerning. And then they wonder why patients fail to disclose issues.

    1. Honestly, after having some family go to the ER and watching The Pitt, urgent care or just get another doctor. ER is never the answer unless you are shot or stabbed or having a heart attack or a stroke or something very complex where you need someone to whip out ultrasound, xray, and run a bunch of very fast labs. IF YOU ARE HAVING ANY HEART ISSUE ER IS THE WAY TO GO — THEY WILL TRIAGE YOU (spouse, 50/high cholestrol / family history showed up with some heart issue and the screened for the bad things and evaluated him pronto (it was nothing serious, he was not there 8 hours, he got sent home with an evaluation and instructions and follow-up). HEART = ER

    2. It’s because US primary care is basically just a referral-writing system for specialists. Leading to the wait for specialists being so long, that if your doctor thinks you need to be seen in less than “6-12 months”, sending you to the ER is the right bet

      1. It’s a pregnancy symptom so I’ll just wait the 7 months and I’m sure it will vanish lol

    3. I would go to the ER for a suspected cardiac emergency, but I am also super annoyed with how they send you to the ER for imaging when they should be able to refer you to an imaging center.

      1. But at an imaging center, they rarely allow walk+ins like an ER and the scans are not read immediately. The results are sent to the ordering doctor days later.

    4. If you are trying to get an urgent appointment for cardiac symptoms like chest pain, shortness of breath, or fainting, you really should go to the ED. You will be able to get the full workup for your symptoms in one shot, and if there is a serious issue, you will be treated right away. Your primary care provider can’t do that in her office.

      1. Right?! If a DOCTOR (not a jurist doctor but an MD) tells you to go to the ER why would you not listen to them?!?

        1. Because they’re taking a shortcut. Urgent care and the ER should be for things that are urgent, not as a way for them to avoid a normal process. The ER isn’t free. I don’t feel like getting an unnecessary bill.

          1. OMG if you won’t go to the ER for a heart issue when your doctor says to go, it’s not the health care system that’s broken this time.

          2. My understanding is that anything breathing (eg severe shortness of breath, suspected anaphylaxis) or heart related = ER visit.

        2. Because they are covering their butts and passing the buck. It is not real advice.

      3. Yes. I went to the ER once in my life: on 4th of July evening l after being told earlier in the day by Urgent Care to go in if I felt dizzy or my breathing got worse.
        I had a fever, was having trouble breathing, and literally couldn’t stand up straight without fainting. I ended up admitted with IV antibiotics, and waited approximately 10 minutes in triage. They never did figure out the root cause, but sepsis treatment resolved it.

        The ER is for *emergencies.* If you sit in the waiting room for more than 30 min, you went to the wrong place.

    5. A heart issue is ER-worthy because if your heart stops working you die.

      Because of this, showing up at the ER with heart-related symptoms means they will triage you and move you up in the line.

    6. “Take a listen” is not an adequate work up for a potential heart issue.

      I feel this way about so much (e.g., please make fluids available outside of the ER for someone who is just sick and dehydrated and can’t keep liquids down), but potential heart issue is what the ER is for. And no one waits 9 hours in the ER for a cardiac workup.

      If you don’t want to catch infectious diseases there, wear a N95; it’s what they’re for.

    7. If you have an acute issue that sounds like an MI or PE, their malpractice insurance almost certainly REQUIRES that they send you to the ER. You cannot rule those issues out in a primary care office, and they kill often and quickly. This isn’t a reasonable thing to be upset about.

    8. I feel like this got derailed because you mentioned heart issues, but I’ve experienced the same thing with repeated bouts of strep throat/tonsilitis. I try to make a prompt (within a couple of days?) appointment with my PCP and they tell me to go to the ER. I’m not waiting in the ER for strep throat. I go to urgent care. It’s $100/visit instead of $50 with my PCP but I can actually get an appointment within 72, sometimes even within 24, hours.

      I think it’s ludicrous that PCPs won’t see you when you’re sick. It’s like they think annual physicals are their only job. I’m glad I don’t need a doctor’s note to call in sick for work because I’m not sure how I’d ever get to use a sick day. I hear about people getting some kind of early intervention pill for COVID and I’m like, how do you get in soon enough to get the Rx?? Does everyone just go to urgent care?

      1. Referring you to the ER for strep throat actually is awful management, and I would switch providers! I can’t get in to see my PCP for things like that, but my PCP’s office is connected with an urgent care clinic, and they’d get me in same day there with whatever practitioner (probably an NP) had availability.

        1. I’ve been to so many PCPs since I’ve lived where I am now. I’m just happy this one doesn’t have a chart on the wall “explaining” that your number of gardening partners exponentially increases your STI risk because it’s “really” as if you’ve been with way more people than you have. Only in the rooms where they give paps though, not in the rooms for men and children. I’m pretty fatigued about healthcare and I don’t even have any major health problems.

      2. My shortcut to get an Rx for antivirals quickly is to have home antigen tests for Covid and flu on hand. Upon testing positive, I call around to local pharmacies to see who has what I’ll likely be prescribed in stock. Then I use a telehealth service to get an Rx sent to the pharmacy that has what I need in stock.

        It’s a bit of a pain, but I highly recommend. Antivirals typically work best when taken as early in the course of illness as possible. I can usually have the first dose (or only dose, in the case of Xofluza for flu) in my body within a few hours of testing positive at home. No clinic visit needed.

  15. At what point financially / in your career did you feel like you could spend money how you want (within reason) without worrying?

    30, make low 6 figures in a MCOL, and I feel like I should be able to shop somewhere besides Old Navy or get my nails done more than once a year or take a weekend trip and stay in hotels (as opposed to crashing with friends I’m visiting) and yet… I still have never felt financially able to do ANY of these things (I don’t expect I could comfortably do all 3).

    1. Is it because of student loans or supporting relatives (some families do this, not just guys in the NFL)? My friends were all teachers, so the group mindset I lived in was frugal. No spring break trips unless it was couch surfing. Even into our early 30s.

    2. i dont think this has anything to do with a certain point in one’s career. it has to do with fixed expenses, budgets, debts, savings goals, etc. how much shopping do you want to do? have you actually crunched the numbers?

      1. +1 I make half of what you do, and I go on vacation and stay in hotels, shop at places other than Old Navy, etc. I’m not in debt, I’m paying for it all with cash, and I’m saving money responsibly.

        If you don’t have one, I’d strongly suggest you put yourself on a spending plan (a.k.a. “Budget”) so you know what you can spend and have permission to spend it.

        1. +2. I’ve been that person pinching pennies for the sake of it. Getting a proper overview of my net worth, expenses, and setting short term and long term financial goals helped me define the amount of slack in my budget that I don’t have to worry about spending frivolously.

    3. The more you make, the more you’re also exposed to people who make more than you do, so the feeling of “wow I can drop whatever I want” (or not) scales with you. So while I know my current budget allows for a lot more discretionary spending than it did a decade ago and I could order a new swimsuit that I definitely don’t actually need just because I think it’s cute… not that I did that this morning… I work with people who think nothing of dropping $30K on a weeklong vacation, and that is def not my situation. So, perspective?

    4. It’s not finances it’s anxiety. You need to work through it from that lens. I’m not saying you’re rolling in it but you can buy a nice sweater or get your nails done from time to time.

      2. To build off of anon at 10:39’s answer, it’s uncertainty if you haven’t made a budget and don’t know where your money is going. If you know what is available and still worry, *then* it’s anxiety/emotional.

        1. It’s not that I worry, it’s that everything is of course a tradeoff and at this stage in my life I thought there’d be less tradeoffs. Like, my day to day life feels no different than it did when I was 25 and making 55k except that I no longer have a roommate. But, my car is the same old car. My apartment is no nicer (actually it’s less nice) than my apartment at 25. I’m still in the same budget for shopping, travel, and eating out.

          I get that living alone is expensive (which I addressed below), but I thought SOMETHING would feel different when I’ve nearly doubled my salary.

          1. Any chance the SOMETHING could be your savings and not in the little splurges? From what you wrote, you seem to be putting a good chunk away every month. It must be adding up, but it’s probably less perceptible to you which is why saving is so hard to stick with psychologically. Have you set milestones (like $10,000 or $20,000 in your savings account or your total account balance) to celebrate?

          2. Yes, I’m putting a good amount away but unfortunately I’m still rebuilding my savings after paying off my student loans in one big chunk (I paid off the last 15k at once, it’s great to be done but I’m now feeling the diminished savings) and a surprise high medical bill. I’m back to almost 15k in cash, but would like to be closer to 20 or 25k before I relax.

    5. this depends on priorities. a lot of people here have talked about having a yearly clothing budget and once it’s gone it’s gone. i tend to return so much stuff that when i find something i actually want then i’m thrilled to keep it.

        1. I am also curious about this. You see those budget posts where people with six-figure incomes claim to spend like $100 a month on clothes, but I am skeptical. That would barely cover basic underwear, br@s, and running shoes at today’s prices.

          1. But you don’t need to replace all those things every year. You can use the money on those things and then use it for other things for the next 3-4 years until you need to replace them again (or in the case of underwear, every decade, ha).

            I spend less than that, but I’ve been in a big slump and need to revamp my wardrobe after years of buying barely anything, so this year it will take a hit and then I’ll go back to my $1000/year budget

          2. Well some of us need to replace running shoes 2x a year (plus my trail shoes and my cross trainers and my tennis shoes…), but yes the other stuff I a) buy cheap (at Costco, Amazon, Walmart) and b) only replace when it’s threadbare

          3. Ohh, I haven’t done a budget post but I also put running shoes, trail running shoes, and “outdoor gear” clothes in my hobbies/fun money budget.

            Excluding that, I make 100k+ and don’t spend $1000/year on clothes – I buy mostly at old navy or stuff like everlane on sale. I throw stuff out when it has holes; and “fashion” isn’t really a hobby for me – I just want clothes that look fine enough to not get in my way (at work, etc). It’s just not a priority for spending for me

    6. So, after taxes and benefits I take home $4,000 a month. Rent is $1850, which is cheap for a 1BR in my area AND includes parking (making this SUPER cheap rent). Utilities (electric, gas, water, wifi) are about $200ish (poorly insulated apartment, very cold winter). Other monthly expenses are gym ($60), cell phone ($30) and a few subscriptions (compost, local newspaper, 1 streaming service at a time) which is about $60, leaving me with $1800/mo. Groceries are SO expensive now, so that’s usually $100 a week. I put $150 into a Roth and $150 into my investment accounts, and try to save $500 into cash savings, leaving me $600 for “spending money” to include gas, public transit, grabbing drinks or dinner with friends (which I admittedly do a few times a week), non-grocery shopping (so yes, clothes but also things like paper products, cleaning supplies, toiletries, makeup). So, the $600 goes fast. Everything feels so expensive these days – going to a wedding out of town soon and two nights in a hotel is $400 not including gas (3 HR one-way drive), food, wedding gift, etc. A basic pedicure is $40-50. A sweater, even from Old Navy, is at last $40 unless there’s a sale. Dinner out with friends? $60 minimum.

      Obviously since I’m able to save it’s not like I’m living paycheck to paycheck, but I don’t yet have a 6 month emergency fund so putting less into savings isn’t an option.

      1. I think you need to do an actual budget, and track your spending to the penny for several month. You might be surprised where some of that $ is actually going.

        It sounds like your biggest discretionary expense is dinner/drinks with friends several times a week. Later you say that dinner out with friends is $60 minimum. Does that mean you’re spending $100 on groceries a month along with . . . $100-200 on drinks/dinners out?

        That $400- $800 a month on drinks/dinners out is where your nicer sweater, pedicure, or hotel stay is sitting.

        2. Oh no, I very very rarely eat out (like 1 dinner a month if that).

          It’s just grabbing $20 for 2 rounds of drinks or to pick up a bottle of wine on my way over to a friend’s house for a night in here and there. It’s probably 3x a week of “going out” with friends – which if you consider weekends and weeknights, that’s not much. I’m single, so this is my only money spent on going out (not spending anything on date nights).

          I probably get lunch or breakfast at work 1x a week on days I didn’t have time to pack something ($10-15) and then eat every other meal at home or potluck style (at home) with friends.

          I realize yes that this adds up, but I think if I”m making 6 figures I should be able to get together with my girlfriends here and there and also get my nails done on occasion. I don’t like to use other people as a comparison, but I don’t go out more than any of my peers, and they can go out and also “have nice things”

          1. You can do those things! You’d just be saving less. They probably aren’t saving as much as you are.

      2. It sounds like you’re putting a lot into benefits (if 100k salary but only seeing $4000/month) – big 401k contributions maybe? Give yourself credit for that, you’re saving aggressively for your future, and the sacrifices you’re making now are giving future-you both security and options

        I have similar income and age to you, and travel and outdoor activities are important to me, so I live with roommates (<$1000 with utilities in an mhcol) which frees up a ton of "fun money". It's totally ok to decide your apartment is worth it to you, but housing is such a big cost these days that no amount of painting-your-nails-at-home will compensate for it

        1. City taxes where I am are high and my benefits are also pretty high. I contribute 8% to my 401k and have a mandatory 4% contribution to a pension. So yes, I’m contributing decently to retirement, but I’m also nowhere near maxing out.

          I’d love to live with roommates, but it’s been very hard to find people my age to live with. All of my friends live alone or with a SO and at first I didn’t want to live with a stranger at this stage in life. I then got over that but when looking for roommates it seems like it’s all people in their early to mid 20s. Lifestyles are just different enough that I am not interested in doing that.

          How were you able to find roommates at your age?

          1. I moved to a new city twice recently – one vhcol at age 27; one mhcol at age 29. First was grad school, and I found shared housing through a student mailing list – fwiw, I found out easier in the very tight, very competitive vhcol housing market, because there are a lot more folks in similar life stages looking for roommates. Options in the mhcol have been less abundant – and when I first arrived I just looked at facebook & craigslist posts for room availability – I met the housemates ahead of time to make sure they felt safe enough, but they were strangers. The first house turned into a nightmare; and I moved 6 months later in with /different/ strangers, who were not really friends, but fine to live with. Then as I got to know people in my city, joined groups, etc, opportunities to live with people I knew and friends-of-friends came up.

        2. Eh, DH and I make just over $200K and the take home is less than $10K a month, so her $4K sounds reasonable for $100K. We don’t max anything but do contribute to 401k, HSA, transit card, health premiums with pre-tax money.

          In a VHCOL area with kids that $10K also goes fast…it sounds insane, but we keep close track of the budget and I feel like OP does (eg, we eat every meal at home, and maybe get some donuts or a sandwich as take out once a months. Dinner feels out of the question)

    7. I crunched the numbers and gave myself a small monthly fun budget. Sometimes it goes to clothing, sometimes to an event, etc.

    8. I think this is a matter of mindset and overall budgeting. I’ve always thought of it as I can have anything (within reason, obviously) but I can’t have everything. I spent my 20s as a grad student making 20k in a VHCOL, so I had a ton of roommates and cooked all my own food and mostly spent very little, but didn’t hesitate to stay at a cheap hotel or buy the occasional nicer item of clothing when I needed it.

    9. Low six figures in a MCOL area can leave you with discretionary funds or quite tight, depending on your living situation, student loans, and car loan.

      1. Yes, this is me. Low six figures in MCOL. It just isn’t enough money when you factor in saving for a down payment in this environment. You feel like you don’t have enough money for fun stuff because you don’t.

    10. You’re only pointing out what’s going on and not what’s going out (mortgage/rent, etc.) or any other goal (saving for car, retirement,). For me it was when I had these sorts of things in place. I have a higher earning single friend who travels internationally once or twice a year with friends but probably has carried the same purse since the 90s. I make the same and buy a luxury bag a few times of year but almost never travel and am married to a higher earning attorney. There is no one answer.

      1. Yes, but there’s nothing in my life that’s spendy or “nice”. My car is 20 years old and I’m not actively socking money away for a new one (I put $100/mo towards car repairs or a new one, I have $2k in that account). I don’t travel except for the occasional wedding or trip to see family/friends. I don’t go to workout classes (and I’d love to). I get my books from the library. I buy clothes 1x a quarter and it’s usually $100ish from Old Navy when there’s a sale. I use elf skincare and makeup. Do all of my own beauty except for quarterly haircuts and biannual highlights. Pack my lunch for work, but do buy coffee 2-3x a week (just regular drip coffee).

        I save for retirement and my emergency fund, but I can’t imagine having enough saved up for a down payment or a new to me car or a nice trip.

        1. You will get there. You’re saving $800 per month, which will add up to luxuries!

    11. I felt that way during 2022-2023, but then I had a baby and this new political administration hit, so who knows when that feeling is going to come back. I still have more discretionary spending money than my family ever did growing up, and I have to remind myself of that regularly.

      More broadly, there’s a narrative that income and stability only goes up as you age and progress in your career, but I’m pretty sure that’s a false narrative that doesn’t serve anyone. Economic factors, illnesses, family shifts, personal shifts all contribute to how much you make, how much you want, and how the two line up, and it’s constantly shifting.

      1. The one thing that’s been hard for me to accept is that I make considerably more than my parents and live in the same area, and yet my free spending money is less than they have.

        1. They aren’t paying off college loans though, neither are they trying to save for the downpayment. They also don’t live alone. So far large chunk of your budget was going to the loan repayment and now it’s free to be applied to downpayment or consumption. You’ve eliminated a big debt, but you don’t feel it yet, because you need to re-build your savings. It will get better eventually and you should be proud of yourself!

      2. It is a false narrative. Job hunting was so, so hard for me last time. Job stability generally is less than it used to be. You get to a certain point in your career where you’re too expensive for the market and fewer roles at that level are available. I live in constant fear I will be let go before retirement age. And health insurance alone when you’re unemployed but too young for Medicare will burn through savings so, so fast. One longish period of job hunting can completely change your financial comfort.

    12. This is a very frustrating response but also the truth- moving in with my significant other is when we started feeling more flush. I know that’s not helpful in your situation, but just acknowledgement that a single income is harder than dual income. Rent and utilities bills stayed the same but were divided by 2. Food and travel went up but honestly didn’t double.

      1. This is a big part of it unfortunately. I was so frustrated paying more than my coupled friends in their big apartments for my little studio. They could share one car between them while I was 100% on the hook for my car payment and parking. Even your gas and electricity bills have a fixed fee per household that’s separate from usage. I spent a lot more money ubering to dates and going out with friends, versus now when I’m happy spending Friday night on the couch. I waste fewer groceries because we use up all our ingredients before they go bad. It sucks when you feel like you should be well off on paper but you can’t upgrade your lifestyle over time. Frankly the answer is get a higher paying job or accept that you can’t compare yourself to coupled friends.

      2. If anything ever goes south in my marriage, I have no intention of ever romantically coupling again, but I’ll be looking for a platonic life partner for sure, maybe just pairing up with one of my siblings. Being single is so much more expensive. And we may complain about it, but it’s hardly a new invention: humans have been living in groups forever, just not in a capitalist h3llscape.

    13. Give yourself more credit. Between the pre-tax and post-tax savings, you are socking away $1900/month!

      You can give yourself permission to give yourself a little more breathing room if it will make life a bit easier. Even an extra $100-150 a month would make a difference in your day to day life & not really hurt your long term savings plans that much.

      1. Thank you – this is helpful validation.

        I guess I still feel bad about my savings because while yes I do contribute quite a bit to savings, I don’t have a ton in savings right now. But yes, once it’s built back up I’ll feel better.

        1. This is the thing though…. the comment up-thread about playing life on “hard mode” applies here as well.

          You have $15k in cash, which means you have close to 5 months expenses already saved. If you switched your cash savings to $350 a month instead of $500, you’d take 14 months to get to $20k cash instead of 10 months.

          But you’d have 25% more “discretionary” money each month ($750 vs $600)

          Or you could continue to feel sorry for yourself and like you have no choices (which is not the case). Your call.

          1. This— it’s great to save, but you also do have to make decisions about spending and saving when you don’t have infinite money. So you’re currently choosing saving! You do have choices!

          2. I mean this is just bulking up my emergency fund after spending it down. There are other sinking fund things I should be contributing to too (see 20 year old car). It just feels like my resources are still too finite.

            FWIW, I work as a federal contractor hence the priority to rebuild savings. My job is very much not secure right now.

    14. Never. Our incomes barely keep pace with inflation, and expenses just keep going up. When the student loans were paid off we had to think of college for the kid. A car that cost $23K five years ago is now more like $38K. Health insurance premiums and deductibles have skyrocketed. Eggs are $6.79 a dozen. The house is falling apart and needs a major reno. Etc.

    16. At that salary level it depends on cost of living. Once I paid off my student loans, I felt pretty free financially at the $185k mark, but my mortgage/taxes/insurance was around $1500/mo.

    17. …always, if I’m honest. I was raised by pretty frugal parents, and don’t have terribly expensive taste or frequent urges to treat myself. I carefully consider major expenses like housing, car purchase, and insurance; pay myself first with auto savings and investment, and then feel OK about spending the rest of my money however I want.

      No student loans, I had all major living expenses taken care of in my first “real” job (enlisted military = adulting with training wheels), and by the time I was out with a private sector job I was making $80k and living with now-husband (who was still military and later fed) as DINKs. Our incomes and expenses both went up with promotions and kids, but I’ve always felt like we have a comfortable amount of disposable income. We bought much less house than we could have afforded, pay off our cars and drive them til they die, and continue to be cautious about taking on big fixed expenses.

      Literally right now is the first time in my adult life that I’m being extremely budget-conscious, because we’re about to give up one regular salary and borrow $$$ to start a business.

    18. I felt a big shift in my late thirties when my husband and I paid off student loans, had newer vehicles (instead of one 25 year old clunker) and owned our own home. That said, we still struggle to afford vacations beyond camping trips. Childcare is expensive. Food is expensive. I literally use a cookbook from 2009 called “Dinner for a Dollar” with low-cost recipes on the regular. But I still purchase myself a few new clothes every season. I think you need to give yourself some joy in life or the resentment will curdle your soul. Skimp in the areas you can, but plan for a few splurges.

  16. the latest proposed bill in TX re abortion is just absurd. I am stuck living in TX for now, but I have two daughters. fortunately, they are still young, but grr.

    4. For those who can’t Google, the bill basically targets anyone facilitating medication abortion into the state or helping someone get it.

      2. I did use the internet and did not find that specific bill. I found the changes to medical exceptions.

        So maybe be specific. Bills have numbers and many of us like to read them.

  17. What do you do to socialize with friends without spending money? Our go to is usually happy hour out or wine at someone’s apartment, but I’m trying to cut back on spending. It’s not nice enough yet to go for a walk.

    1. When I was younger, I used to hang out with my friends at home a fair bit. We would hang out and watch a show in the evening or something like that.

      Also, I don’t know where you live, but I am in NYC, and I go for walks with my friends throughout winter except on the coldest days. I don’t find that it has to be perfect weather to do a walk. YMMV.

      1. I used to just hang out like that as a teen. Nowadays, I get together with friends only for parties, board games, or special dinners. There’s always A Reason. Maybe time to bring back the modest hangout…

    3. It started during COVID, but I have found that my friend group is much more likely to entertain at home now. People can bring stuff and that way it doesn’t cost any one person too much. And it’s cheaper than going out.

      I recently entertained about 24 people in my not-large (but not tiny) 1-bedroom apartment. A good time was had by all. I say this to let you know you don’t need to have a house or palatial condo to entertain.

      1. Oh yes, I entertain in my studio a fair amount (plenty of girls’ nights on a Tuesday just because) but my friends and I get together either for casual at home hangouts (informal potluck style) or for happy hour, etc. and I find I’m still spending more than I’d like.

        I usually just eat 1 “real” meal a day (lunch) and then have something like a PB&J or cheese and crackers for dinner (and a cup of yogurt for breakfast). I also don’t drink at home unless I”m entertaining. So, if I’m having people over even for something casual I still need to go get snacks and/or wine for that.

        1. I responded above about hanging out at home, and my point was more that you don’t have to have drinks and elaborate snacks in order to hang out at home. When I was in my 20s, I would often have a girlfriend over to watch a show (e.g., I watched America’s Next Top Model with the same friend every week for quite some time – lol that we enjoyed that show at the time!), and we wouldn’t usually eat or drink anything beyond water or tea that I already had at home. It was just purely a hang out!

          1. Adults need more hangouts. I feel like my friend group does this really well in the summer months when we can hang out on decks and patios and call it social time. We aren’t as good about it in the fall/winter months, though!

          2. I don’t get fancy snacks or nice wine, but it also is rude to host and not have anything to offer. We’re good about either BYO something to share with the group and/or alternating who hosts, but still you need something (especially since everyone else offers something… you can’t be the mooch)

          3. OP, you do not seem open to suggestions on how to spend less money. I promise you that you can have a friend over to watch a show without providing snacks and drinks. It is not rude. I am not saying have a party and invite 10 people over and not offer anything, but if you are just having a chill evening with a friend, you can just hang out!

            Otherwise, as a later posted pointed out, you accept that it’s going to cost something to hang out and choose the lowest cost option.

          4. I don’t know. I was raised to always offer your guests something, if you don’t have something to offer then you don’t host.

          5. I mean sure, some people might feel okay with hosting without having something to offer but a) I was not raised that way and b) when we casually hang out at friends’ places (which we do often!) they always have something to offer. So to me it’d be SO RUDE to not reciprocate that. It’s one thing if it’s a one off, but we’re rotating hosting a few times a week. I can’t go over and have them offer me a simple snack and a beer and then have nothing for them when they come over.

          6. OP, are you willing to introduce a new normal? “Friend, I am planning to switch it up at our next movie night and serve popcorn and soda. What’s your favorite popcorn seasoning?”

          7. Sorry but it’s absolutely rude to invite people over and not provide something to eat and drink.

        2. Is the problem that you feel like you have to serve alcohol? Because just serving some crackers or popcorn or homemade cookies just doesn’t seem that expensive, especially if you’re eating an equal amount at their houses.

          1. yeah I think it’s that I have to go grab a bottle of wine each time since I don’t keep it in the house. I don’t want to not provide it for several reasons: I too enjoy having a reason to have a glass, they provide it to me, and it’s the “norm” of our hangouts.

            I also don’t usually have basic snacks on hand (can you tell I’m an abstainer and not a moderator) but it’s often something very basic (a tub of hummus and a box of crackers, popcorn, girl scout cookies).

            TJs and Costco can’t sell alcohol in my state, but maybe I should cross the border to stock up so then I just have cheaper but good wine on hand.

          3. It sounds like you’re hosting regularly enough that you’d be better off identifying a few stock foods and drinks you can just have around for when people come over. Ideally these things would be cheap, shelf stable, reasonably healthy, and/or not things you like so much that you’d want to snack on them alone if the reason you don’t keep snacks around is to avoid eating them. But you could also think twice about the wine and talk about it with your friends. I wouldn’t think you’d necessarily need it multiple times a week, maybe just some of the times.

    4. You accept that it’s going to cost something to hang out and choose the lower cost option.

    5. Hikes and walks. Unless the wind is blowing rain in your face, you can manage to not be miserable with the right gear.

    6. Afternoon tea party.

      Everybody brings one dish, little cakes or finger sandwiches, enough for everybody to have one piece.
      Host makes tea and scones served with jam and cream/butter.

  18. I’m back in the office full time after five years of working from home and am basically recreating my work wardrobe from scratch (none of my old clothes fit, sigh.) If you were starting over with your work wardrobe, how would you approach it and what would you buy? My office is business casual and I have a somewhat limited budget.

      1. +1 to this. Choose your neutrals first. Mine tend to be charcoal and black in the winter, navy and lighter gray in warmer weather. It makes everything easy.

    2. I’d buy a few staple pieces and stick to a tight color palette: a neutral, a light neutral, and a handful of colors that can be mixed together. Probably nice pants, a couploe of sweaters, a couple of tops, and 1-2 toppers in a stretchy fabric. Start slow and figure out what you like to wear before expanding the wardrobe.

    3. I think pants are probably the thing that have changed the most so I would replace all my skinny pants/jeans.

    4. Obviously it’s impossible to know what will work for you but in case you’re looking for a strategy here is what I would personally do. I don’t know your style or office so keep in mind this is just a framework.

      I’d start with pants. Find a few styles you like in colors you like and don’t be two afraid to buy multiples. It’s spring so I would pick a navys or greens plus khaki or tan neutrals that work for me. Then a fresh pair of flats in both a dark and lighter color. Then knit tops. I’d aim for some with stripes or details like a mock neck or boxy shape. Id grap a few updated blazers that can work as outerwear or desk sweaters. I’d set money aside for a few fresh accessories: a woven leather belt and maybe some updated jewelry.

    5. I did this last year. Buy a few nice basics and build over time. I agree on the pants, I was able to re-use some sweaters and blouses from the pre-pandemic days but really needed some current, well fitting pants. I got some basic ones from jcrew and a few classic jeans. Dresses were my go-to before but they don’t feel as current. I have the jcrew lady jacket and got a Sezane Betty which I really like too.

    6. I would go slow not just due to budget, but because you’re also going to be getting used to the post-Covid workplace which has changed. I would focus on a handful of basics like a pair of pants, shoes, and some kind of blazer/lady jacket/cardigan. Then I would add tops and another pair of pants over time before looking at dresses, more shoes.

  19. If you take public transit to work and bring your breakfast, lunch, snacks, etc. with you, what do you carry them in? A separate lunch bag? A minimalist lunch bag that you stick in your regular bag? Specific recommendations welcome!

    1. I have a lightweight lunch bag and carabiner clip it to my backpack. Today, I had my cycling helmet and lunch, so felt a bit of a pack mule, but I am always worried I’ll leave my lunchbox on the train.

      I use the elephant box tins which are light when emptied, and fit together. Although be warned that it really seals for hot things… my husband made my oatmeal the other day and sealed it so tight I didn’t get my breakfast. I tried for ages, the train guard tried, and finally I had to bring it home and break the seal with a screwdriver.

    2. I walk to work, but I just throw it in my work bag (a backpack). Usually breakfast is a cup of yogurt, lunch fits in 1 tupperware (soup, salad, grain bowl) and then snacks are usually a piece of fruit, veg + dip (hummus, guac, cheese), a pre-packaged bag of snacks (pretzels, goldfish, etc) and an “emergency” protein shake if I get hungry.

      We hotel at work and don’t have lockers so I only have what I bring with me… I don’t bring much: laptop, headphones, phone charger, notebook, pen, sunglasses, keys, work badge, phonesx2, airpods, wallet, a mini vaseline (works for chapped lips or dry skin). Occasionally I have gum or a hair clip or advil or something with me, but not always. Each desk at work has a laptop docking station, monitors, keyboard and mouse so I don’t have to bring those with me. My backpack has 2 water bottle pockets for my water bottle, travel mug, and (if needed) umbrella. All this to say, the food I bring take up the VAST majority of my bag.

    3. I have a zippered insulated lunch box I got on Amazon that fits nicely in my backpack.

    4. For a long time I would put my food in a plastic grocery bag inside my regular tote bag. A few years ago I upgraded to a lunch bag, which goes in my regular tote bag. Both worked fine. It doesn’t have to be complicated.

    5. I have a small cooler bag that looks like a handbag for days it might be longer until I get my food into the office fridge, and just use a cotton tote bag other days, and put it in the hot wash.

  20. Do we have any Philly area spa favorites for massages/facials/nails and nearby restaurants? Trying to plan a spa day bachelorette party for a friend and a meal somewhere nearby said spa.

    2. If your group is the type that likes fancy English-style afternoon tea, I’d do tea at the Mary Cassatt room in the Rittenhouse Hotel, followed by a massage or other treatment at the spa also in the Rittenhouse Hotel (or Rescue Spa is less than a block away). My husband and I take off a day every year close to the holidays and it’s my favorite fancy-feeling thing.

  21. Home decor question– Our master bedroom is on the main floor and has a set of double doors that open to the backyard. We don’t use the door as as door (we don’t want our pets asking to go out in our room), so we basically have two large windows in the room. The house sits at the bottom of a hill, so there is a lot of privacy, but we can see the house at the top of the hill, so we have always had light filtering curtains in that space. I’m not crazy about the curtains though because realistically, we never pull them back during the day. They also get dirty, and it’s hard to find a good time to clean them.
    Any suggestions for alternative window treatments for the doors?

    2. We don’t have window treatments on our French doors. The light feels luxurious and helps immensely with SAD.

    3. Expensive, but replacing french doors with the ones with blinds in side of the door. The blinds don’t ever get dirty!

    4. We have fabric rolled shades on each door. They were from one of those places that advertises curtains and blinds.

    5. What about a vinyl film for privacy, something that obscures but doesn’t block light?

      1. this is what i’d do if it isn’t a PITA because they’re french doors. but you get the benefit of light but also privacy. They make some really pretty ones that look like clear stained glass — we’ve had that on the big windows on either side of our front door for 10 years now and i’ve never regretted it.

        here’s an amazon link but etsy also has a bunch, although i’m not sure if they’re the same drop shippers from amazon.

        https://www.amazon.com/sspa/click?ie=UTF8&spc=MTo3NjYzNjg1NDgzMzY0NDg5OjE3NDIyMzU5MDQ6c3BfYXRmOjIwMDE3OTM3NzI3MDM5ODo6MDo6&url=%2Frabbitgoo-Privacy-Rainbow-Decorative-Non-Adhesive%2Fdp%2FB01N20YR6B%2Fref%3Dsr_1_5_sspa%3Fcrid%3D30ALR4PNEACI7%26dib%3DeyJ2IjoiMSJ9.yPGhvv2e3LO6zvCcGf0YLxNkjEN8EwdpAb52Eeb1SBduKCr_TBcHLJsnqPqNcotdDpzDeDjuP918aql56TfCDR1Z2gsKy6D4gQ9BNhtjZahxy9A36FAjRQI3cg0U3-ogcbce8DnCdawptc2sCd61To9YUW9WXzpZo6-un7yUbwlIddN9vitxLz-4wW5P-wc4PNkYLe4HplRFsM9Uo7Tiz2MzPlSkT0W4MvcAQqp7ZsqqWqmzpCohGHoo6DMCBiY2UrqvgJY0NuJ9FOPQy5rSgmt06nvv3ly6XgdejH_NjZI.vsK8snCEZ0N5TpXLIUW1Or0wNDcBChqXIcIZZgC2lgM%26dib_tag%3Dse%26keywords%3Dwindow%2Bprivacy%2Bfilm%2Bclear%26qid%3D1742235904%26sprefix%3Dwindow%2Bprivacy%2Bfilm%2Bclear%252Caps%252C124%26sr%3D8-5-spons%26sp_csd%3Dd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY%26psc%3D1

  22. For those of you from warm to very warm parts of the US, did you consider geography when looking at colleges? I swear I am not sure my kids understand what winter is like given how cranky they get by our SEUS winters. So many good schools are in cold parts of the US (and Colorado cold is generally pleasant, whereas the wind in Boston may just rip right through them). Kids say they are open for anything and realize that they can/should look elsewhere due to how admission to in-state options is like a lottery these days. I grew up with NYC winters (and chose a SEUS college in part FOR the weather and because I’d graduate without loans) but my kids seem like delicate little Victorian children. Trying to plan some college tours but am realizing that it won’t be brutal winter anywhere we are likely to go. Thanks to COVID they aren’t as well travelled in the US as they should have been and have been in various parts of the Midwest and NEUS but generally in April through October. I feel like grad school, even in a harsh environment, is seen as a transactional relationship, but undergrad seems to be an experience that most people want to love and not just tolerate.

    1. I’m sorry but for what reason do you need to helicopter to this level? Buy them warm coats and snow boots and let them live.

      1. IDK. As a working mom, it’s hard to find time to go on college tours, especially outside of big cities during the year. Every college is a big trip for us in terms of time and flying over spring break or driving. But I had parents who had more flexible schedules and we were able to make some trips and our school took us to NYC and Boston for various school trips, so I was exposed to them. I picked a college 8 hours from where I grew up and it was such a great fit for me, not something I could have discovered without having gone through there on a family trip. I believe that you can always return where you are from, but if you can branch out for college, that is one of the few times in your life you can try on a different part of the US. At least tour, you know? Or visit California so your kids at least know if they like it? Or NYC or Boston or Chicago (that’s already a lot of trips).

      2. I swear it’s always the same person with these anxiety dumps about their kid going to college.

        Buy them a coat and boots and be done with it.

        1. It is and it’s getting absolutely absurd. That’s two posts in a row with another college anxiety dump. Probably going to hit the coffee break thread too.

          1. It was a consideration for my kids. We are all Californians and they wanted to stay in CA for college. Thankfully, there are lots of options here.

            But those were kid-led choices, not mom-led.

    2. the warm-weather kids (mostly CA and FL) that attended my northeast college all made jokes about themselves as they got out their new parkas when it was in the 50s while the rest of us were in lightweight jackets, and got on with life. About half of them moved back to their home state after graduation, and the other half stayed north (NYC and Boston mostly) so clearly many get over it quickly.

      1. Agreed. OTOH, I have friends with kids at Dartmouth and Hamilton and have no idea how much time it must take them to move them in and fetch them for xmas break. I get that kids can fly if you have the funds for that, but their initial deposit in a cute but far from the South home city college town is at least 2 plane trips and a rental car or a LOT of driving with at least one stop. I know so many people with multiple kids in college in different directions and I can barely manage teens and orchestra and a club.

        1. ok this is an entirely different concern than the weather? Yes, those kids flew back and forth for TG and winter break. The annoying ones from CA loved to talk about how omg I am STILL jet lagged! they were for like a week afterward.

          What I see with kids that are far flung is the parents divide and conquer if they’re driving-distance schools with conflicting schedules. They spend a lot of PTO on round-trips with an overnight near school. If that’s not your bag, better to discuss that with your kids as part of the planning process.

        3. I went to Dartmouth. My parents spent exactly zero time moving me in and fetching me for winter break. I took a bus and a plane to fly in and out of Boston or Manchester, just like every other kid from outside the northeast. I grew up somewhere cold, so winter wasn’t a big deal, but kids from warm places either leaned into winter and did all the fun winter stuff (skiing, skating, snowshoeing, ice climbing, etc), sucked it up and just tried to survive until spring, or did study abroad or internships most winter quarters and avoided it altogether.

          1. I grew up in a warm climate, went to Dartmouth, and now live in Minnesota. Learning how to appreciate all seasons is a useful life skill, not something to be feared. My friends from New England taught me essential winter safety skills and how to layer properly. (Learning how to thrift-shop for winter gear like every other financial-aid kid from outside the northeast is also a useful young-adult life skill…)

        4. this is so much anxiety! Let your 19 year old figure it out. I drove home for thanksgiving and got a ride from a friend. My roommate was from across the country and she did thanksgiving with a more local friend and flew home for winter break only.

    3. I’m from somewhere cold but my DH is a San Diego native who moved to snow central for university (where we met) and tbh he was really grumpy about it for the first year. He had to learn about coats, layering, winter accessories etc. Once he accepted life is better if you dress appropriately and pick up winter hobbies it was all good. The first year was so rough though, constant b*tching. I guess the question is are your kids the type of people who are adaptable and self reliant? If so they will be okay, if not they will just be grumpy for 4 years.

    4. I’m originally from Alabama, and I did not consider this when I was looking at colleges. (For some reason, I thought I wanted to go to school in Chicago.) I did when I was looking at grad school though. I did not apply to anywhere north of a certain point. I don’t know if this was a maturity thing or that when I was looking at grad school, I realized I actually needed to be prepared to live near where I went to grad school, whereas that wasn’t part of my calculus with college.

      Like other posters said– just let your kids figure it out. If they go somewhere cold, make sure they have money to buy themselves a real coat, etc. for the winter.

    5. They act like sickly Victorian children because you’re doing everything for them. Please let them pick their own colleges. You wanted to pick based on weather. Maybe something else is important to them. They can always transfer if they hate the snow.

    6. I’m from Houston and went to one of the coldest schools in the country. It was fine. I had a coat and boots. Just make sure they have appropriate winter gear if that’s where they end up! It’s just four years.

      1. Just wondering — did you drive up there (where ever it was). Growing up I had to drive on snow and manage morning and black ice on the regular. Not sure how student teaching will go for my kid now that I think about it. I guess she will FAFO a bit (and maybe it’s time to raise the insurance on that car).

    7. I can’t imagine this being a major consideration when choosing a college. Humans are adaptable. Coats exist.

    8. I grew up on Southern California and went to school
      In the Northeast. Mostly because it was the only school I got into and the financial aid was generous. I figured out how to not be cold and miserable, that was just part of the process of leaving the nest. I did not consider weather really. I knew it was going to be cold and was actually excited by the thought of loving somewhere with four distinct seasons. The other thing I realized too is you are allowed to go to a school and decide it isn’t for you and change schools. Yes, it’s kind of tough and a pain and maybe expensive to change schools, but in the long run very few things are locked in at that age and the college years are just a blip in the course of one’s life.

    9. My cousin at Dartmouth had to buy 3 different winter coats her freshman year because she didn’t grasp just how cold it was (and we are from PA, so she was used to winter but not New Hampshire winter). This was pre-internet so I think it was hard for her to realize just how cold cold was.

      I stayed in PA for college and had a friend from South Florida who had pretty bad seasonal depression. It was more the gray than the cold for him. But he adapted and moved to NYC after college and is still there so he survived.

      1. Agree that the 6 months of gray is unreal and I was not prepared emotionally for that. I can do the winter from the Stio catalogs — it’s sunny and everyone is smiling. Grim winter — I guess that is the reason there are so many metal bands in Scandinavia (and saunas)? The anger gets you through the cold.

    11. I attended college in Canada and we had a ton of international students, including a number of Americans from warmish climates (my roomate was from Virginia, we had a Texan in my dorm) and other people from warm climates like my friend from Pakistan. Everyone just went to buy parkas and boots and figured it out. Most people really enjoyed their first snowball fight or whatever. Your kids are not in fact delicate Victorian children and will learn to deal. Just help them budget for some good winter gear.

    12. I grew up in Arizona and went to Northwestern. When we arrived in the summer to move me into my dorm, my Mom drove us to the Northface on Michigan Street first thing (literally. Our suitcases were still in the car), marched up to the salesperson and announced “we need the warmest coat you have.” We walked out with an Arctic Parka.

      I’m smiling just from this memory. Be this mom. (And that coat was amazing and I loved my time in Chicago)

    13. i went to Penn. My bff’s roommate was from Hawaii. During the first snow, she woke up by bff at 3am to tell her it was snowing. Mybff from Boston was not quite so amused. Hawaiin roommate got a coat and survived.

      1. Ha! I also went to school in PA and had a friend from Hawaii. She asked us in the fall how many pairs of jeans we layered in the winter and was shocked when we told her we don’t layer our pants 99% of the time (and the 1% of the time is when I’m skiing)

    14. I’m begging you — and any other parents who are obsessing about your kids going go college — please let them go and FIGURE THINGS OUT ON THEIR OWN. I cannot overstate how infantile the students I am teaching now are, compared to even 10 years ago. Yes, COVID. Yes, the world changes. But you are GETTING IN YOUR KID’S WAY.

      This is about parents learning to let go. Please, for the love of all things holy, let go.

    15. This is not a problem you can solve for your kids.

      Any region has specific weather patterns and concerns. And I say this as someone who moved to the US from Europe. I did not expect the Midwestern summers to be so hot and humid (I live 2 hours south of Chicago), the winters being so cold, and the in-between seasons being somewhat short, with intense ups and downs and inclement weather (tornado warnings this past Friday, anyone?).

      Let your kids move wherever they want, get them proper winter gear, and call it a day.

    16. You have a few options:

      1. Schedule visits in December or January and stay for several days. They can experience the short, short winter days, as well as the cold.

      2. Visit when you can and embrace the power of dressing for the temperature outside.

      3. Look at schools like Stanford and CalTech if your kids are shooting at Harvard/MIT level, and if you want a step down from there, Georgetown, Duke, Johns Hopkins, Rice, Vanderbilt, UVA, UCLA, W&M, W&L, Emory, Pomona, etc.

      4. Let college be a time for them to fall flat on their faces with a soft landing. So your daughter insists on going to Smith instead of Bryn Mawr and freezes. Lesson learned. She can transfer after her freshman year or suffer for four years and flee south for grad school.

    17. I was born in DC but then lived in SW Florida from ages 9-18, and went to college in the northern midwest. I was personally very excited to get to a place with winter, and I was fine. In FL we didn’t have proper winter coats, so were, in fact, freezing when the temperature dipped below 50. Amusingly, I would get into fights in college with my roommate over how high she turned up the radiator in the winter in our dorm room. She was from NYC. Now that I live in NYC, I understand – she was used to wildly overheated apartments with heat you can’t control. I was used to heat that my parents controlled and paid for. I still freeze when I travel south to visit my parents in the winter. It may be warmer outside, but it is much colder inside than I am used to.

    18. I went to college in New England with students who were experiencing their first winter in the northern hemisphere. I promise your kids are more winter hardy than kids who grew up in Mumbai. We all had a great time. They just need a better coat.

    20. My kid’s college GF was a Latina from LA who had never seen snow before she went to Ithaca. She hated the cold, yes, but she loved the school and had a great college experience. And your kid can figure this out.

    21. My southern child thinks that winter at her northern college is the most magical thing ever. I gave her a proper down coat and boots and a hat for her birthday before she went off to school and she’s fine.

  23. Q for the cat owners. Our cats go #1 outside the litter box all the time. Per the vet, this is bc of growing up feral until age 1-2 (they are both rescues). We have done everything vet suggested (feliway, additional litter box). Any suggestions for what to put on the baseboard/floor interface to protect/make cleanup easier? TIA!

    1. Do they go right outside of the box? When my formerly feral cat started doing this we put XL dog pee liners under and around the box. It turns out he actually had kidney disease, but the liners helped in the meantime. Good luck. A lot of this will make you nuts.

    2. Have they been checked for UTI or other health issues? That’s usually the #1 reason why cats go outside of the box. Once that is ruled out, it can be behavioral.

      All my cats are strays and one of the was semi-feral and all of them use the litter box, so I don’t really buy that explanation from your vet.

      You can try extra large litter boxes. You can use a rectangular, storage box for this. Try Dr. Elsey’s cat attract litter.

      If you feel comfortable posting a burner email, I can send you two documents my vet sent me with detailed information about cat behavior and litter box usage tips.

      1. I forgot about Dr. Elsey’s cat attract. Our current cat doesn’t require it but the formerly feral cat did. Recommend.

      2. Thanks. Yes they have checked for UTI. Is the cat attract unscented? I can’t do scented litter.

    3. Disposable underpads (i.e. chucks or puppy pee pads) or a litter box in whatever the spot they prefer. If you have 2 cats, consider that 2-3 litterboxes may help.

    4. Try cat attract litter. Also try cleaning the litter box more frequently. My cat will go right outside the litter box if it isn’t clean enough to his standards lol. Good luck!

      1. My last cat did this, may he rest in peace. I kept his area SPOTLESS. It’s funny now how well trained I was by that cat. At the time it drove me insane 😂

    5. My rescue cat likes pine litter better than clay or grain based. I don’t know why, but it’s cheap, light, and inoffensive so it works for me.

      Make sure you cleaned any area they went with an enzyme based cleanser (I use Kids’n’Pets which is also cheap and inoffensive), or they’ll go back because of smells that only cats can smell (so a human can’t assess).

      If it’s always right outside the box, there are litter mats designed for this purpose, as well as multi-use mats for things like dog’s water bowls, boots, whatever could spill.

      The web retailer Chewy has a chat if you want to discuss their product selection as a starting place.

    6. Is the box big enough? Our cats were also feral for their first year or two and we don’t have this issue, but we do have gigantic litter boxes, the absolute biggest ones we could find, and the male cat still barely fits. He likes to dig a lot and go right on the edge, so I think he’d miss a lot in anything smaller. They do get litter everywhere, though.

    7. Have you tried to put a litter box near the places they’re going? You might end up with like… 5+ litterboxes for now.

      Try different kinds of litter. There’s a sawdust kind that some cats really love (it’s a huge PITA for the owner but not as bad as cat pee everywhere). There’s also the pellet kind.

      Are they routinely peeing on something identifiable? Mine peed on anything that felt nice on his toes, which basically meant any fabric left on the floor. I couldnt have bath mats for like 15 years after my (indoor only) cat decided he liked the feel. Definitely prevented me (or SOs, or guests) from leaving clothes or towels on the floor. I’m half convinced he was trying to save me from man children.

  24. I am typically very good with my words but struggling hard. I’m a senior person at my firm and in leadership for a local trade group organization. I believe deeply in giving young kids a shot and in mentoring. That all said, a local college senior who I met in passing at one of these industry even groups has been RELENTLESS in wanting to speak to me. At first it was just informational – a 20 min call about my career, blanket suggestions I offer to young professionals, etc. Then it was a follow up call a few weeks later because he wanted my take on a job offer he said he had, so I said ok since we had just spoken. Both conversations were… underwhelming. Disorganized thoughts, asking me very extremely “let me goo gle that for you” type stuff about the industry [i get it, he’s in college but I talk to kids like this all the time and it was memorably bad]. I’m also not convinced he had the job offer which was the bait to take the call.

    Now, the requests from him won’t stop. How do I make them stop?! Some times I push asks like this from others on to the 20-somethings at my firm for some peer-to-peer advice/networking, but I don’t even want to do that here. How do I professionally and politely say no, I don’t have any job for you and I do not plan on helping you beyond what I’ve already done? It’s not as simple as just look at our company website because he wants to talk to me about more than just my own firm. I do expect I’ll bump in to him at an this industry group’s events, should that matter (I don’t think it does – if I see him, I’ll just be polite and friendly). Ghosting, which isn’t typically my go-to, hasn’t worked as he persists. Help.

    1. “Chip, I’m going into a pretty busy period at work right now and alas, I am going to have to clear my decks of a lot of non-core activities including taking your calls. I wish you the best in your endeavors!”

      or more bluntly,

      “Chip, at this point I think I’ve given you all the input I have to give so I’m going to wish you well and leave you to other career resourses. All the best in your endeavors.”

      And then block him.

    2. I think emailing “I’ll be entering a very busy time at work and will no longer have the time to respond or take calls the way that I have. I wish you the best in your career pursuits.”

      Just make it clear you’re not going to respond anymore but in a way that isn’t confrontational about the reason. Or just ghost.

    3. “I think that’s as much targeted advice as I have to offer! Best of luck with the hunt!”

      And also, for people wondering why everyone says not to cold-message a hiring manager on LinkedIn, it’s because people like this guy exist.

  25. Sorry, but no that’s not how medicine works. Maybe if you pay for a fancy concierge PCP they might squeeze you in same day.

    There are same day clinics for urgent issues, and for potential emergencies you go to the ER. If you don’t trust your doctor to refer you to the ER, I guess you need to find yourself another doctor who’s judgment you trust.

  26. Help! I need guidance on whether I’m the rude one here. With regard to playdates, if someone asks if your kid is free does that mean they are offering to host? For me I wouldn’t bring it up unless I could offer to host. Or perhaps if I was itching for someone to watch my kid I might phrase it explicitly as a favor.

    One of my kids’ moms always texts but won’t offer to host. Once I assumed wrong and I ended up somehow watching her kid on a busy weeknight while she went to the library to read a book. (She said “can I pick up your son and take him to dinner and the boys can play after?” I assumed that meant at her house not mine. The dinner was less than 20 minutes. The play part was two hours.) Anyway I think she’s mad at me because I said my kid was free this weekend but I was solo parenting and had to run errands, thinking she would have offered to host since she was the one who reached out but I guess not? I know the answer is to be crystal clear and use my words but was I wrong g to assume that “my kid is bored and wants to see yours” would mean they’d host?

    2. You weren’t wrong to assume she would be a normal human at the ourset, but now you are on to her sneaky MO so you can conduct yourself accordingly going forward.

    4. I think you need to clarify expectations in your response. It’s fine to reply: “X would love to meet, but we are quite busy this weekend and can’t do it at our house.”

    5. I agree the example you shared about her taking the kids to dinner and then dropping them off at your place is bonkers. What would she have done if you had gone out to use the time for yourself??
      Now you know and can respond accordingly.

    7. You have to be very clear with this person and use ALL your words. I am here to validate that she is taking advantage of you.

      When she says “is your kid free?” You can ask whether she’s inviting him to go to her place. You have to rely on exactness with someone like this, not what you think is implied.

      1. I will tell you my exact example. There was a new kid in my daughter’s class, mid-year, and I told my daughter to be nice to her because it’s really hard to be the new kid. We invited her for a play date.

        Mom kept asking for more play dates, but at our place, because they were still unpacking.

        As I got to know the mom better she was telling me now she had a great day while her kid and mine had trashed our house all day, then she said “I knew the universe would provide childcare options for me when we moved!”

        Hi, it’s me, I’m the universe.

    8. You’re not wrong. And you’re right that you need to use your words.
      Is your kid free?
      He would love to go to your house this weekend!
      Maybe the boys can play for a few hours.
      Perfect, that will be such a help for me because I have a million errands to run. When should I drop him off and when should I pick him up?

    9. I do not offer play dates unless I am prepared to host.

      In your situation, I would be pretty salty about being taken advantage of. To the point of possibly avoiding further play dates with that mom.

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