Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Elbow-Sleeve Split-Neck Crepe Sheath Dress

398 Comments

1. Heaven.

2. This dress is gorgeous.

   1. GORGEOUS.

   2. Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this dress, but guess what? The Brooks Brothers alternative is onley $158! I will show the manageing partner both, and then show him I want the Brooks Brothers alternative and he will then know how fruegal I am, even on Pricey Monday’s! YAY for Kat for helping me show the manageing partner that I am a shopper!

      http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Stretch-Wool-Sheath-Dress/SX00112_____BLCK_10_______,default,pd.html?src=googleshopping&cmp=AFC_US_CJ_Kat+Griffin_www.brooksbrothers.com_3039637&gclid=CjwKCAjwmufZBRBJEiwAPJ3Lphc96niqWhN0XPubQvuhaw5bPGgBCAEkkFpMmwQcTrOSa3iwcr9E5BoCfVAQAvD_BwE&utm_medium=affiliates&utm_source=cj&utm_campaign=3039637&cvosrc=affiliate.cj.

      Anyway, I had to come back early from the Hamtons Saturday to cheer Myrna on with the Triatholn. She finished it but said it was to humid for her. I said it was hot, but she said it was not the heat, but the humidty. I think it was BOTH! Dad says she was stupid for doeing this b/c of all the ozone in the air. She did NOT help her healthe by breatheing in all of the ozone, and it is worse today! I am glad she did it b/c I got to wait under a nice tree in Central Park for her. Last year I had to watch as she came out of the water. FOOEY on that b/c the water is POLLUTED!

      This week will be a short one for me. I am heading out again to the Hamton’s b/c the manageing partner wants me to woo some new potential client’s at his home from some big department store. I wonder if it is L&T or Macy’s? If so, maybe they will give me a special discount! Bloomies still does NOT want me there b/c I tracked some poopie onto their carpet! FOOEY on them. There is Poopie all over the place so why ban me? DOUBEL FOOEY on that! They are missing out on a lot of busness! Tripel FOOEY!

   3. I can only dream! I have weightlifter arms (and love them), but that makes anything with sleeves impossible.

      But totally drooling alongside everyone else.

      1. I’m a swimmer and love my shoulders, but I bet this would not fit me. Not that I can afford it, but I can dream!

   4. Yes, gorgeous from the front, though a little “much” in the back.

   5. I noticed that Lands End has some swimsuit coverups (that look like shift dresses) with a similar notch neckline. They are in the same material as rash guards, if I understand their descriptions properly. Could be an interesting option for a much more casual take on this look.

3. I’m agonizing about a job choice – I have two offers: the first (“job A”) lets me stay in my MCOL city, close to my DH’s family and to many of our friends, and work remotely, but isn’t very exciting; the second (“job B”) is with the top company in my particular field, and would be incredibly exciting and challenging but stressful… and requires us to move to a HCOL city neither of us really wants to live in. Job B pays better, but only enough better to offset the higher cost of living.

   We’re contemplating keeping our current house and renting it out, and considering job B as a short(er) term gig (2-3 years). DH is willing to move if I decide it’s necessary for my career, but doesn’t want to.

   Thoughts? We spent all weekend making ourselves crazy trying to decide.

   1. No one can tell you which values are higher priory to you, I’m afraid. It would be an easy choice for me, but you are agonizing, so obviously my priorites are different from yours.
      But, it’s worth noting that the increased wages will affect your lifelong earnings, beyond the fact that it may only calculate as a COLA increase immediately.

   2. Job A. My life is so much more than my work. Job A sounds fine. It’s not forever.

   3. Job A.

   4. I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice, it is just a matter of picking the job that works for your family at this point in time. You can always reevaluate and change jobs down the road if it is no longer the right fit.

      Questions I would be asking myself:
      – will job b significantly advance my career or open doors down the road?
      – will job a stop my career advancement? Any chance I would get stuck there?
      – is there a job c (i.e. that you keep looking for another option and stay in your current job for right now?)? If there are not jobs in your field in your current city, then you need to consider either switching fields or switching cities long term.
      – can my husband get a job in HCOL city? How long will that take? Will you save more money because his job will also pay better? Or have to eat in to your savings because it take a while for him to find a job?

      1. Yes this. I don’t understand 1) the impact to DH’s career. Does he work? 2) how you would only take the job for 2-3 years. I would play out a couple scenarios on what might happen at the end of 2 years, including one where DH is unhappy and wants to move back but you like the job and want to stay.

         I’d also contemplate what your plans are for taking advantages of the perks of staying in your current city. Do you have kids or plans for kids, so the nearby family will help out (either from babysitting or just a mental distraction for the primary parent)? Is there an organization or hobby you can pick up because you have a less demanding job?

   5. For me, Job A because I value the other stuff more highly. For you, maybe Job B? I say that because it doesn’t appear to be a no-brainer for you.

   6. As someone who has moved several times for her spouse’s career (and had her own career suffer significantly as a result), I think it’s a lot to ask your DH to move for a short term gig when you have a good job currently and have no need to move.

   7. Job A sounds better to me. Exciting and stressful careers get old after awhile.

   8. Job A. By a mile.

   9. I’ve always regretted choosing ‘interesting’ over ‘good’ when it came to jobs.

   10. What would you get out of Job B at the end of 2-3 years? Would it open up drastically better opportunities in your field that might allow you to move back to MCOL city but with a more exciting job? Would it set you up for a trajectory of high-stress jobs that you won’t want to continue after that 2-3 year time?
       If you’re considering Job B as temporary, I’d think about these things. If what you’d get out of Job B doesn’t set you up to live the life you’d want to live, then it’s not worth it.

   11. I think you’re excited about job B and I think you should give it a shot. I took a job like that and it was incredibly stressful but four years later I’d doubled my salary and moved myself well up the ladder in terms of skills, experience, and network. I’m now back in a job that is a little lower key, but my salary remains higher and I’m higher on the totem pole than i would have been otherwise.

       I’m always surprised that this “high achieving” group is always recommending leaning out. There are times in your life where conditions are right to really go for it. Sounds like this is the time for you. How else do we get more women in the C suite? A man wouldn’t think nearly as much about this. Honey, we’re moving!

       1. Because despite many of us being high achievers, we’ve found that life at the top (or near it) isn’t all that great? I realize that has major implications for women entering the C-suite, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to be miserable just to make that happen.

       2. I think many people focus on the downsides of their own jobs. So, for those who followed job b, they think about the downside about living far from family and friends and having more stress and hours. But they overlook some of the benefits, such as fulfilling work and better pay long term.

       3. I would give Job B a shot. Opportunities to step up don’t come along that often. Plus, your friends and family will want to visit you (in most HCOLs).

   12. I just did Job B over keeping my existing comfortable, but boring Job A – right down to renting out our house in Job A’s location. No regrets. Job B is interesting, dynamic, and will ultimately open a lot of doors, whereas Job A was going to be 30 more years of the same.

   13. I think you answered your own question. Never move to a place you don’t want to live. What you want is a more interesting exciting job in a place you want to live in.

   14. Only you can make that decision. Where I am in my life right now, I’d take the more challenging job in a heartbeat. But different strokes for different folks!

       1. So very, very true. My predecessor in my current biglaw job left to take a position in house – more time with family, less stress, a paycut for lifestyle trade off. He was excited. Turns out the job is so boring and mind numbing that he takes all day CLEs just to get out of the office and feel like he’s actually used his brain. I can’t imagine being so bored that I am voluntarily attending an all day CLE.

   15. Job A for me. After a whole lot of moves to new cities and too much starting over, relationships and a good living situation win out over exciting job.

4. I posted a couple of weeks ago about being anxious about turning 40. I wanted to say thanks for the lovely replies. I actually went abroad for a couple of weeks to forget about it and celebrated with a couple of cocktails.

   So far nothing earth shatteringly bad has happened, I just need to get my head around getting older.

   1. This sounds like a pretty nice way to celebrate! Happy belated.

   2. Good for you! I didn’t have a party for my 50th (I had an amazing karaoke party for my 40th, my only big party). Instead, I planned a trip to Austria and Germany for the 30th anniversary of our junior year abroad, with a friend whom I met that semester, who is still a great friend. We constantly marveled at how different everything is, and wondered how we every survived that without money or phones or the internet at age 20, and had so much more fun as adults.

   3. Hooray for vacations and cocktails!

5. Wendy on Billions would wear this. That is a high compliment.

   1. She is my work wear muse. My bank account keeps my taste humble.

   2. Had to google to get the reference. Alas, no Showtime – but will watch for it to come to Netflix.

      1. It is very much worth binge-watching. I watch through Amazon Prime.

   3. But only in black, of course. Does Wendy ever wear any other color? (memory escapes me)

6. So pretty.

   I’ve been hearing lots of people discuss access to birth control as a risk now that Kennedy has retired, and I’m curious what that means. Obviously, the Hobby Lobby decision – but I would like to see some stats on whether other employers have followed suit. I’d also like to know if there are other proposed restrictions or anything. I’m in a very red state and haven’t heard anyone discussing limiting birth control access.

   1. They can start now.

   2. Google «future of Roe v. Wade. »

      1. I get the access to abortion; I’m discussing the access to birth control.

         1. They’re the same thing. They start with abortion. Then plan b. Then planned parenthood is regulated out of existence and employers don’t have to pay. Then it’s unaffordable. Then there’s a waiting period to get an IUD. It’s about control.

            1. So there’s no real threat to birth control is what I’m hearing. I really am curious about this issue but it seems like a lot of fear mongering. Like I said, I’d love to see some stats on what the Hobby Lobby decision has meant. It was very narrow, only applying to a closely held corporation with sincere religious beliefs. It’s not like my law firm could (or would) or McDonald’s or Lowe’s or whatever (ignoring the fact that those latter companies do not provide health insurance).

               Do you really think it’s about control? That’s so sad that you can’t see the other side of the issue at all.

            2. It’s sad to me that you can’t see the other side of the issue at all. It’s not about control. I am prolife but I see the pro choice side.

            3. I mean, you asked. This is the answer. You clearly have no interest in hearing it. This is the reason for the concern.

            4. “Like I said, I’d love to see some stats on what the Hobby Lobby decision has meant. ”

               Do you know how to google? You obviously have access to the internet and you at least appear to be literate. What’s the problem here?

               Are you just tr0lling? Do some reading. There are entire organizations out there that research and write on these topics. GOOGLE IT. Don’t just expect randos on the internet to spoon feed it to you. And if you do, listen with an open mind.

               It seems like you just wanted an excuse to fight over this issue. You asked a silly question, got answers, decided it didn’t constitute a “threat” because the threat isn’t a bill introduced in Congress (because we all know that’s the only meaningful type of threat to access) and then said “told ya so!” Pathetic.

               “It’s not like my law firm could (or would) or McDonald’s or Lowe’s or whatever (ignoring the fact that those latter companies do not provide health insurance).”

               Don’t you get that that’s the next move?

               Yes, I do really think it’s about control, and I believe that based on the 15 + years I’ve spent reading conservative/evangelical publications/writings on this topic, following your movement, reading the bills, watching the politicians, reading the SCOTUS opinions/amicus briefs….

            5. Yes nasty woman that’s exactly my take too. You say it’s a genuine question. People take the time to answer. It clearly isn’t.

         2. If your doctor and pharmacist both decide to object on religious grounds, you are left with just OTC options, or finding Web options. Plus, there’s the cost.

            1. It’s death by a thousand paper cuts.

            2. Are doctors and pharmacists allowed to object to birth control on religious grounds? Are they doing so?

            3. That’s the whole issue. Without Kennedy’s vote, they can start. Some already do. And they’ll find a more receptive audience at the court.

            4. Six states allow pharmacists to object to prescriptions on moral grounds. (Take out the space below.)

               https://www.azcentral. com/story/news/local/peoria/2018/06/24/walgreens-peoria-pharmacist-legally-justified-denying-miscarriage-medication/729189002/

            5. Yes. They are. G O O G L E IT. You have internet access! And some spare time! Educate yourself, don’t just say “nuh uhhhh” and expect people to dig for citations for you.

            6. @Anonymous at 9:50 Did you see the Walgreens thing recently? A pharmacist refused to fill a prescription for medically-necessary abortion medication and Walgreens said they stand by the pharmacist’s right to deny medication on moral grounds. So yes, they are doing this.

         3. When I lived in Kansas (albeit 10 years ago) there was a very organized movement to outlaw any contraception that may prevent an embryo from implanting on the grounds that life starts at conception. This would outlaw IUDs, and the goals of the group were that it would outlaw oral contraception as well – although oral contraception works by preventing ovulation, there is a belief among some anti-abortion folks that if an egg slipped through and was fertilized that it wouldn’t implant. This isn’t scientifically supported, but I’m not sure that arguments based on science are going to win.

            1. That wouldn’t outlaw all IUDs.

            2. It would if you don’t believe in science, and they don’t.

            3. It would be interesting to see the Pharma lobby take on trying to outlaw birth control. I’m sure they’d be okay with expensive, but outlawing all together cuts out a big market share for them.

               Plus, it’s FDA approved – are there preemption implications of outlawing something state by state that the federal government has already made a decision on?

      2. Why are pro life folks anti -birth control? I try to see that side and I still can’t figure out why they are not giving out birth control left and right. ( with the exception of plan b-I get that argument.)

         1. None of the pro-life folks I know are opposed to cond*ms, birth control pills or IUDs.

            1. I know TONS of “pro-life” people opposed to all forms of birth control. It’s teaching people to have sex outside of marriage, after all! Apparently women should just keep their legs closed. And if they are raped, even by a relative, they need to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption regardless of any life-threatening conditions OR the death of the fetus preterm. These are actual statements made by a 23 year old woman I know and agreed to by hundreds….

         2. Because it’s about controlling women. Birth control is the most obvious tell. You want no abortions? You campaign, hard, for free and easy birth control. None of the pro life people do.

         3. Because they are not, and have never been, pro-life. They are pro-forced pregnancy and birth – hence the opposition to birth control.

            1. Agree. I grew up in a strong pro-life household and environment, and when I couldn’t get straight answers on why pro-life people were also anti-birth control and pro death penalty, and wanted to cut funding to social services, I turned away and never looked back. Can’t deal with the hypocrisy.

            2. +1

         4. I don’t believe that’s a universal position — I haven’t Googled stats but I suspect among the general public there is greater support percentage-wise for access to birth control than there is for access to abortion.

            As for religious communities that oppose birth control and abortion, I believe the view is that it’s wrong to actively prevent conception, which is a gift from God, etc. I’m not saying that I agree with this or that anyone else should, either, but that’s my understanding of it.

         5. Basically, they think all s*x should be open to the possibility of procreation. It should never be just for fun.

            1. I get this “theory” but I also cannot believe there is enough momentum in that camp for that to really take hold. Yes, I see how Roe v. Wade is at risk, and abortion rights. But to really come for all birth control? I really just don’t see it.

            2. The problem is that it’s a very, very loud minority. They hold sway out of proportion to their numbers.

               Also, don’t underestimate how many people out there who don’t necessarily feel that all s*x should be for procreation, but who are totally unsympathetic to the idea that birth control access is important, much less a right. There are lots of folks who use contraceptives, who engage in recreational s*x, but who believe that women should “pay for it themselves,” that they should have to “pay to play,” that they don’t want to have to pay for “someone else’s good time…” (This came up A LOT during the Hobby Lobby debates.) Basically, they don’t see birth control as legitimate health care or see the value in ensuring access from a public health perspective. They see it as an indulgence that women should have to pay for, and/or something that shouldn’t be encouraged or supportive because it facilitates what they see as bad s*xual behavior. So while they may not be out working to reduce access, they certainly don’t care and are happy to let the extremist minority steam roll over women.

            3. That’s wrong. I’m prolife and have many prolife friends, and y’all are setting up an absolute strawman. I am 100% pro birth control and I think it should be easier to get.

            4. Anonymous at 10:46. This is not a straw man. Yes, there are lots of people like you who are pro BC. But it is absolutely true that there is a vocal contingent of people who think like 10:22 describes. It’s almost like people are not a monolith. Let’s make a deal. I’ll acknowledge the existence of people like you if you don’t pretend that people described above don’t exist. If you don’t believe me, check out some of the more conservative, faith-based blogs that oppose abortion/BC access.

            5. Do you really? Do you campaign for that?

            6. The thing that really irks me about a lot of the anti choice rhetoric is “keep your legs closed” type soundbites. As if only the woman is having s3x. Never any mention of the man. And somehow motherhood is a punishment for having s3x. Great for the kids – you were mommy’s punishment for being a wh0re. No welfare for you!

         6. Anon at 10:11 am – In fairness to Walgreens, their policy is that a pharmacist who refuses to fill bc on moral grounds must transfer the Rx immediately to another pharmacist. Personally, I think that’s screwy. A pharmacist who can’t fill a bc scrip is a “broken” pharmacist – it’s like a vegetarian store clerk who can’t ring up meat – as an employer, they’re useless to me.

            Anonymous at 9:50 am (can’t you people just make up a screen name?) – I personally know an obstetrician-gynecologist who is very pro-life Catholic and does not prescribe birth control. He is in solo practice (in a blue state) and his website and materials state this very clearly upfront, and he will refer out women who desire bc to other practices. He’s actually a skilled, good doctor, but again from my standpoint, he is a “broken” ob-gyn and I would not go to him. But yes – he is “allowed” not to offer that service, the same way a dermatologist is “allowed” not to offer Botox.

         7. They think that life begins at conception, thus the objection to some forms of b.c. Some also believe that «Be fruitful and multiply » was not intended to have exceptions. Without picking on any group, read the Catholic Church position on this, as it has been clearly articulated.

         8. I am prolife and am not opposed to birth control.

         9. It’s just so hard to take the “ I really think this is a baby” argument seriously when the are anti birth control.

            Also , do pro-lifers have a problem with fertility treatments? It’s tough to bring up, but I’d imagine those “reductions” would be murder too right? Except maybe the woman there is more likely to be rich and married so it’s ok? Or she’s already committed to motherhood and attempting to fulfill whatever social expectations so it’s ok?

            I’m just having trouble Understanding this mindset.

            1. Most anti-abortion organizations definitely oppose abortion (aka selective reduction) in the context of fertility treatments as well. Many (most?) also oppose discarding embryos. And the Catholic church is anti-IVF. So this is actually a place where they’re fairly internally consistent.

            2. I share some philosophical outlooks with some prolife thinkers, though I despise their political views, so I’ll try to answer. I do believe that “reductions” take human life, just as miscarriage is a loss of human life. (I will not be surprised if science someday confirms that these losses are a common natural process anyway–i.e., if many natural pregnancies begin as multiples but are reduced.) I don’t think it’s murder, partly because the unborn cannot justly receive the protection of the law (since there is no way to get to them without going through a woman’s body). Women need safe access to birth control and abortion so that they can end pregnancies at their own discretion, but I deny that women have any right to have a viable fetus terminated (if someone else wants to pay for premie life support, that is between them and a fetus who now can be reached without going through anybody’s body).

               I have 0% investment in making the achievement of rationality, consciousness, the ability to suffer pain, or a certain quality of life conditions of being considered human. It is not a good thing when doctors start thinking about who is “really” human, alive, or whose life has more or less value. I think disability studies sometimes a good job of putting forward strong pro-choice arguments that do not rely on dehumanizing anyone.

            3. People who oppose birth control on pro-life grounds oppose birth control insofar as they believe it works by preventing the implantation of a fertilized ovum (they do not care that this doesn’t amount to abortion, since they place the beginning of life at the joining of the gametes, not at the beginning of pregnancy). (There are all kinds of other reasons why people oppose birth control or think women should have to pay for it, but that’s my understanding of the bio-ethical argument.)

   3. I started typing out a longer reply to you, but really, there are a number of in depth analyses of this issue readily available to you via the g 0 0 g l e machine. This isn’t a new issue as of Kennedy’s announcement. It’s only more at risk now because Kennedy was often seen as the swing vote/bulwark against attempts to undermine reproductive rights. (Although, while I think he was of course helpful, he wasn’t the panacea on this issue that a lot of liberals believe. His opinion in Gonzalez v. Carhart is extremely patronizing and laid out a road-map that anti-choicers are still using to undermine access.) You can probably also research some statistics for yourself regarding employers that have refused to select plans that cover birth control. To answer at least part of your question, no one is talking about restricting birth control via passing some sort of law or regulation stating that only married women can have it or you have to show you’re not too much of a s1ut and your uterus is already exhausted from having kids before you can get it. No one’s going to try to make it illegal, although I assure you there are people who would want that. The attempts to reduce access happen via a number of more subtle mechanisms. (Reduced federal funding, family planning clinics being shuttered, “conscience protections,” lack of access to insurance…) For your reference, Griswald v. Connecticut is the SCOTUS decision that protects birth control access.

      1. Yea, overall I think Kennedy was not a great justice for women. I can’t remember the specific decisions right now, but I distinctly remember a lot of stereotyping of women in opinions of his that I read in law school. I won’t particularly miss him, but I am sad that a likely more consistently conservative justice will be joining the court.

   4. I want to remind all the anti-choice people here (and anti-choice politicians) that you can regulate or ban birth control and abortion and it will never, never, never stop occurring. All you do when you put up roadblocks is make it unsafe for women and increase the annual death count from unsafe abortion (37,000 women die every year).

      Every time one of these stupid “what’s the big deal??” conversations comes around, always remember that you can check out online resources for guides on how to use misoprostol to safely end a pregnancy with or without a doctor’s knowledge. This information is publicly available from the World Health Organization.

      1. That’s ok to many of those people. Those deaths were never a problem to them.

         1. It’s a feature, not a bug: Women who die in illegal abortions deserve it because they took that risk, and would we be sad about a felon who died during a robbery? No. Then they look at someone like Savita Halappanavar who died during pregnancy and say “well she didn’t actually die because of abortion regulations,” and they* quite literally take the position that “abortion is never necessary” to save a woman’s life. Then, evangelical groups routinely publish stories lauding women who allow themselves to die for their fetuses- for example, by foregoing cancer treatment- as the epitome of motherly love (to be clear, I agree that women should be allowed to choose a path like this….). The message is clear.

            *Obvi #notallprolifepeople

            1. +1 This is how I’ve heard these topics discussed in conservative religious circles.

            2. Yea. I realized just how much disdain my relatives had for women when my uncle told me that even if his own wife were raped by a relative and would die from carrying the rapist’s baby he would still think it was wrong for her to get an early term abortion. Also if I were to have gotten pregnant from being raped as a 10 year old (I was actually abused as a child), he would have thought it was wrong for me to get an abortion. These were the most extreme and personal examples I could think of, and still he was unflinchingly pro-fetus and anti-woman.

               I will never respect him again, because he does not value my life as a woman.

            3. Vile. I’m so sorry you had to endure that.

7. If you set out to build/buy your forever house in the suburbs, what requirements and/or wants would be on your wishlist? Thinking room for huge dining table, open kitchen and mudroom. Have a toddler -lots of local family.

   Related- We’ve zeroed in on a school district, but it leaves us with a choice btwn quarter-half acre lots in a quiet neighborhood setting closer to town, or 2 acre zoning for the same price. Can’t decide what is preferable.

   1. Do you enjoy yard work, or wish to employ a landscaping crew year round? Do you intend to allow your children to roam woods and fields alone? (No judgement, we certainly did when I was a kid). If yes, choose the 2 acre lot. If no, choose the small lot. Unless you’re planning to build something with 10 bedrooms and a 7 car garage, your big house will fit on the smaller lot, and you’ll have a lot less outdoor maintenance to worry about. Plus “closer to town” is better when the kids are old enough to be busy but can’t yet drive themselves.

   2. As someone who lives in a super old house with none of these conveniences, I would want a wet bar in addition to a mudroom.

   3. My recommendation is to focus on the neighborhood. Do you want to be in town or do you want the space? If the house is really “forever” then don’t get caught up on what your needs are for a toddler. Your situation will change. I have been in my house for 20 years — I bought before I had kids. There were rooms that were heavily used at some points in our life while others sat empty and vice versa. About nine years in, we also did a major remodel.

      In addition to the changes brought on by kids, when we bought DH and I both went into offices. Now he works FT from home and I work from home twice a week. We never thought we would need two home offices, but we made it work in the space we have.

      Buy the house and neighborhood that “feels right” without obsessing too much over your list of current must haves.

   4. I’d much rather have the smaller lot and be in a neighborhood setting.
      Some requirements for us were: 5+ bedrooms, so we could have plenty of room for guests, children and home offices, a big, beautiful kitchen (we remodeled the kitchen to meet our specs), a basement (we live in tornado country), an open floor plan, a walk in closet, and a double vanity in the master bathroom.
      I would have loved a two story living room and a screened in porch, but we ended up compromising on that. We’ll turn our back deck into a three-season porch some day.

      1. Same here (focus on the neighborhood, and denser is better). A neighborhood that has kids for my kids to play with (and parents for me to talk to while that happens) is by far the most important thing in a house to me at this stage in life. We ruled out the ‘nicest’ parts of our city because the houses were too far apart…without a certain amount of density, there just aren’t enough other families within easy reach. This is nice with a toddler, but it’s bliss with a 7 year-old who can run over to his friend’s house without my supervision. I’d also try to be as close to a park, school, library, and pool if possible. My kids aren’t quite old enough yet, but in a few more years, they will be able to walk to all those places on their own.

         Other than that: easy landscaping, low-maintenance exterior, at least one outdoors-ish space that is set up for as much comfort as possible. In my climate, this means something like a screened porch with a ceiling fan, to mitigate the heat and mosquitoes in the summer. In other areas, it might mean a shaded patio, or a sunroom to extend the summer season into the spring/fall. Upstairs laundry. Wood stove, to give us something to look at other than the TV when we’re trapped inside in the winter. Attached garage, if at all possible (although we’ve traded that for a denser neighborhood in our current house, and have no regrets).

   5. Big pantry off the kitchen!!! If you have room, maybe even a butler’s pantry with a second sink. Thought we had enough storage in our kitchen without a separate pantry. Thought wrong.

      1. Yes yes yes. Big pantry is great and butler’s pantry is divine. You need room for all the kitchenware you will inevitably collect over the years.

   6. I would move into a 1920s/30s era house close to Main Street

      1. +1

      2. Op here! I live in that house (1910). It’s beautiful but it’s just not working with the toddler. ( if the school district was better we’d probably renovate and stay put.)

   7. We don’t have kids, but we like entertaining so an open kitchen with access to the deck was important to us. We also wanted a big enough living room to set up the sound system. A full finished basement with no crawl space. There is also a bathroom down there. Currently it’s used for exercise equipment and my husband’s music/practice space. It has egress windows so we are able to count it as living space towards the square footage of the house.

      If you can have the garage enter right into the mudroom with places to take off shoes and coats that would be helpful. We don’t have that current setup, but I think it would be helpful with kids.

      I would go with the half acre lot closer to town. If you are doing your own yard work, it would be less to mow. Also I think having easy access to town would be more convenient.

   8. We did close to town. It’s been great to be able to pop out and do errands. Our only regret is the lot isn’t big enough for a pool.

   9. A laundry room. An actual room with washer, dryer, and space to hang dry clothes with a door you can shut.

      1. I was just about to say this! I want a laundry room big enough to do all of my laundry without it ending up all over the house. My plans for this mythical room are washer and dryer, big sink for hand washing, table for folding and ironing, clothes bar or hanging rack for ironed clothes, shelves for detergent, stain remover, etc., drying racks for clothes, and plenty of space for sweater drying racks. If I’m really designing the house from scratch, I’d also like a laundry chute and the room should have a window.

   10. Natural light, passive solar heat, and air flow.

       1. +1

          And lots of trees to provide cooling of the house in summer….. Such a great thing in warmer months. Saves a lot of $$ too.

          1. Trying to reconcile natural light with lots of trees. Doesn’t one block the other?

             1. Depends on the the house design/size and where “light” is important to you and at what times of day. I tried find a mix. Say, natural light in the front of the house in the morning, and lots of trees in the back to cool down the house by mid-day when sun is high and beating down on the back of the house.

                It’s know your local seasons/temps. Literally the back of my house is 10 degrees hotter than the front of the house on very hot days, since we lost our big tree covering our back porch.

                But because I hate hot summers more than cold winters, part of me longs for one of the houses in our tree filled neighborhood where almost the entire house is hidden among trees!

   11. For us, our wishlist would be 2 full bathrooms, 3 bedrooms plus an office space, a big basement for my hobbies, a quarter acre of land for a garden, lots of sunlight, a walk-in pantry with space for a small deep freezer, a gas stove, a big dining room, a deck with space for a hot tub (SO freaking loves hot tubs – I dunno), and walkable to downtown.

       What we actually have is 1 bathroom, 2 bedrooms, a semi-finished basement, less than a tenth of an acre with only limited sunlight, no pantry, an electric stove, no dining room, and a tiny patio, but it is walkable to downtown. And we wouldn’t trade being able to walk to downtown for all the other stuff. It is truly a better lifestyle for us. It means we can be more spontaneous, that we’re healthier, and that we have access to all the best restaurants and shops. And we even have space for three chickens! We know our neighbors and hang out with them. And our house is often the congregation spot for friends before or after dinner in town. I love it.

   12. It’s easier to identify what you really like once you start looking at houses in person – you’ll know what you like when you see it. Making lists of things that would be nice is kind of a time waster unless you live in an ideal market. For me, I want a house with a yard, not a wooded or sloped lot, gets some sunlight, has 3 or more bedrooms, has a basement, does not have a galley kitchen, and is in an area that would support improvement over time. That’s the most specific I can get or I won’t find anything, and I have a very healthy budget.

   13. A second staircase that is carpeted, if you have a main “grand” staircase. I can’t tell you how much I wish we had this with little kiddos.

       Also second the big pantry and big laundry room/mudroom area.

       1. Oh my goodness….. I don’t think I have ever seen a house with two staircases, nevermind a “grand” staircase. Except on the BBC…

          1. Dual staircases aren’t that uncommon in the US for houses built prior to, say, 1930. Working class homes were often built for two families and had front stairs and back stairs. And nicer homes often had back stairs for the help.

          2. My childhood home had two staircases, but neither were particularly “grand.” The main one was carpeted and next to the living room/front door area and the other was kind of tucked away at the back of the house and led to the room above the garage. It was a very modest house so I never realized this was weird until my friends started referring to my house’s “secret” staircase!

          3. I have a back staircase from my kitchen. House was built in 1997. Not that unusual.

             1. +1 I live in Texas and it is very common in the larger houses in the suburbs.

             2. Mine was built in 2004. Main staircase in front and then back carpeted stairs that go from upstairs hallway to downstairs laundry room. The kids call them the “ninja stairs”. I’m in VA.

          4. 1909 house with a “grand” staircase and a butlers staircase that joins the grand at the landing. The butlers staircase is far too steep to be practical, unfortunately.

   14. If it was truly my forever home, I’d want a full bathroom on the first floor along with a first floor room that could transition to a bedroom (think office, library, den with a door/closet) to more easily age in place for as long as possible if stairs started to be an issue in 30-40 years.

   15. We moved from a smaller house with a huge backyard to a bigger house with a smaller backyard in a great neighborhood. We love that we can sit outside in the front and the kids can play with their classmates all along the sidewalk. We also love that the backyard takes far less work and money to maintain now. But my cousin did the opposite–moved from a nice big house with a small backyard to a smaller, older house with a huge yard. They are so happy to have their little farm now. So it just depends on what you prefer.

       Also, for me a big kitchen with a big pantry would be on my list. Our current house does not have enough pantry space and I am trying to figure out ways to fix this.

   16. I want insanely high kitchen ceilings, an island with 6 gas burners/2 ovens on the wall — my friend’s parents have this with a splash guard that comes up behind the burners so people can sit at the island, it’s amazing — and an outdoor kitchen. A girl can dream.

       We had an eat-in growing up which I thought was nice; the dining room was rarely used.

   17. Windows aligned for cross breezes! Lots and lots of insulation and easy care siding like stucco.
       Bedrooms facing north or east and surrounded by trees or fences for privacy, preferably with walk in closets.
       living spaces on top floor & facing south or west,
       outdoor spaces facing west with a sink and BBQ outside.
       Pantry in kitchen + at least one closet with vertical space for 2 vacuums.
       Laundry /mud room off garage.
       and if we’re getting really fancy, radiant heating in bathroom floors.

   18. A large laundry room/mudroom combination between the garage and kitchen equipped with utility sink, exterior door, counter or table for folding laundry, space for a large dog crate, plenty of racks for hanging laundry and wet swimsuits/towels, a bench, and storage for shoes, backpacks, and sporting equipment.
       A large coat closet.
       An attached garage with one more bay than you have cars, so you can keep all of the cars in the garage and still have room for the lawnmower, a garage fridge, bikes, etc.
       Big closets.
       If you are not building a McMansion, I’d go with fewer, larger rooms on the first floor instead of lots of tiny rooms. I would rather have one big “great room” with space for a big sectional couch and a big table than the tiny separate kitchen, family room, dining room, and formal living room I currently have. The itty bitty rooms make entertaining difficult.
       A rec room with space for a TV and ping-pong table to make my house an attractive hangout for my teen and her friends.
       A first-floor guest room with en suite bathroom. In addition to being nicer for guests, this could come in handy for an au pair.

   19. I agree with the big pantry, mudroom, and laundry room. Laundry and pantry can be same room if large enough and well situated. I would also consider a playroom large enough to evolve into a teenager rec room (not too isolated, near the kitchen, but can have doors shut to keep the sound to a dull roar.) A large shaded deck/patio. A first-floor bedroom suite (with a master-bedroom type bathroom) that could be a guest room, mother-in-law suite, or eventually an “i’m too old to walk up those stairs every day” bedroom.

   20. Walk-in pantry with enough storage space to hold all my unitasker applicances.

   21. As others have said, I wouldn’t worry too much about “forever.” We moved to a great old house with a huge backyard when my kid was a toddler, and now he’s in college and no one really wants to mow the gigantic yard now that no one is playing in it. So your needs may change as kids grow and leave. We also lived in the middle of what we refer to as “Mayberry RFD” where kids could ride their bikes/walk to the library, park, school, and ice cream, so best of both worlds.

       Items/spaces that I would sorely miss/wish I had: upstairs laundry with room for ironing, folding, storage of seasonal linens, etc. Walk-in Pantry. I really, really wish I had a mudroom (at all) and my dream is to have one that is tiled, has a drain in the floor, and a hot/cold tap with a hose for dogs, potting plants, and muddy persons. High ceilings is a must for me. Big windows that open (whoever said cross-breeze is right!). Screened in porch — depending on the neighborhood, sitting on a front porch and watching the world go by is great too. Attached garage with bike storage. Well-placed powder room on the entertaining floor. The suggestions about spaces for teens are great (close, but sound-proofed).

       One of the things I noticed when my kid was young was how much kids enjoy landscaping that allows them to hide under or behind, climb, jump off of, defend, race from feature to feature — trees, shrubs, hardscaping, stands of tall perennials, multi-level decks, etc. A large expanse of lawn is great for pick up games, etc. but until kids are about 12 or so, they get a lot of mileage out of creative mixed landscaping. If I had to do it over again, that would make my wish list.

   22. So many things! A HUGE pantry off the kitchen with outlets, appliance garages in the kitchen, more outlets than you think you need (think of Christmas lights, gadget charging, etc.), ease of access to the laundry (2nd floor laundry if a 2 story), a super deep garage to store mowers and lawn care items, a mudroom or large entryway, a covered desk outside or some sort of shaded outdoor area, and vents in the ceiling not floor (I think this is pretty standard now, but not in my older home.) Also, if this is your forever home think about how you will age with the home so one floor living (even if you have a 2nd floor), widths of doorways, etc.

   23. We have 5 acres. My kids love it but they are outside kids. I don’t know if that was their way or if they just adapted. They have a huge sand box; several forts built all over the place, and several swings in different trees to choose from. We have dogs and chickens. We are 30 minutes from a large SE so we get all the benefits. We are in the good school system. We moved from 1/5 of acre lot. We love it. Our friends that live in neighborhood complain that the kids are so busy with sports and camps these days that they never see their neighbors and the kids never have time to play anyway. But my husband does a lot of yard work this time of year.

       As for things I wish I had – updated kitchen, large pantry that has room for not only food but special occasion dishes, etc. and an attached garage or at least one with a breezeway.

8. In law school I had a mentor who would tell all woman law students she encountered to consider having children in law school, because it really is the best time “timing wise” for your career. At the time I thought that advise was nuts, but now that I’m 2 years into practice I can see her point. I’m curious, law firm attorneys with children, does it seem to you there’s a “best time” to have children? I know in reality you can’t really time these things, but if you could.

   1. Yeah, I sort of wish I had started in law school. Not that it would have been easy, but there is no “good” time to do it afterward either.

      1. Agreed. I am sorta glad we didn’t because we still got a great bar trip, etc., but in retrospect, it would have been easier. Unless the grass is always greener.

   2. I heard that too and believe it but I hate this advice. The best time to have kids is when you’re emotionally and financially ready. For me, that took a committed partner. Everyone I knew who had kids in law school was already in a committed relationship with their partner. It took my husband another decade to get there. It’s so strange to pretend that that’s not a factor.

      1. +1 This is the most important factor and may or may not occur when the other things in life line up.

      2. +1 Advice like this always seems to assume that all other factors are perfectly aligned and it’s just a matter of picking a time; in my experience, most people’s lives aren’t like that. Almost everyone I know had kids within a year of hitting relationship stability and financial stability (generally, getting married + at least one partner having a solid job). That didn’t necessarily align with being in law school.

         When I was in law school, I was single. Most of my friends who were married were married to other students or to people working unstable temp jobs so that they could be in the same city for law school. I did know a couple of people who had kids in law school, but they were both local to the city where my law school was and married to men with permanent, well-paid jobs in that city.

         1. Yes, I had one friend who had a baby in law school. She was married to a surgeon at the big research hospital in our city. Another was married to a teacher at the local high school (so not well-paying, but stable and had good health insurance.)

      3. Furthermore, I’m not sure what kind of charmed life these folks had but the beginning of my legal career was bumpy. There were periods of unemployment where I was uninsured and at one point I even moved home. Very greatful I didn’t have a baby at the time.

         1. +1

            I was a hot-mess express in law school and even though I was dating my now-husband at the time – I spent a lot of time STRESSED, heavily drinking, working my ass off at jobs + school work, and generally LIVING UP my last bit of school-academic-calendar-summers “off” lifestyle.

            I understand the idea behind it, but I still can’t get on board with that maxim. not to mention, hindsight is always 20/20 in life.

      4. Yes… looking back on it, I think if I could have picked an ideal time to have had children, law school might have been it. But I wasn’t married or even in a relationship then, so it wasn’t really an option for me. (Incidentally, I’m still unmarried and childless, which is probably why I think it’s great to get your family started at 24 or 25 so you don’t have to have anxiety whether it will happen later in life). And I’m old enough to have seen some of the early marriages end, even after children… so there are no guarantees.

         1. I went straight to law school from undergrad. I was 21 when I started law school. (and single). So I would have needed to find someone to marry in college, and then marry that person before I turned 24 as a 3L. So realistically marriage at 22, then a baby at 23. Well, that didn’t happen. Instead I’ll be getting married at the ripe old age of 29 and hopefully having our first child at the positively geriatric age of 30. I knew two people who had babies the summer after law school. Perhaps not coincidentally, they both failed the bar.

      5. Not at a law firm, but I totally agree with this. Of course if I had the right partner in law school when I was in my mid-20s, maybe having kids would have been an option. But I was not so fortunate, so that just wasn’t an option for me since I wasn’t willing to do it alone at that age.

      6. Yeah, duh. Nobody is saying otherwise.

         1. Fair, but giving this as blanket advice seems to be tone deaf to the fact that a very small minority of law students have stable family and financial situations. Its not particularly responsible to tell women without stable careers and relationships that NOW is the time to have a baby.

            Also, I’m pretty convinced that a young child would have lead me to wildly different career choices (in lower paying positions) or left me unable to compete in the higher paying ones.

            I think this advice is exclusively helpful to women with wealthy families and/or husbands with high paying jobs.

   3. I have a friend who had a baby the summer after graduating from law school. She was able to get a (paid!) 1 year deferment from her firm, so she had a really long maternity leave. That was at the peak of the recession though, and I don’t know how easy it would be to get a firm to let you defer now, and I’m sure it would be unpaid if they agreed.

   4. One of my senior colleagues told a room of PhD and early career researchers to either have babies in undergrad or once we had a permanent post. Let me fetch my Tardis or pause ageing *eyeroll*

      I had a baby right as I was finishing up my PhDs. I had an incredibly good timing – I started in a postdoc a few months before submission and was eligible for leave and pay but it would have been super stressful if I hadn’t had a job.

   5. I mean f her. Thanks lady but no one wanted to sprog me up in law school so I’m doing it while im practicing. I hate this sort of mentor ship.

      1. lolllll YES you win

   6. IDK

      15 and pregnant was on a lot when I was on maternity leave. Those girls were all back in their cheerleading outfits 2 weeks later.

      Some things are easier when you are younger. Not all things though.

      As a partner, I can say “I can’t make your meeting / call whatever” and it is fine. When you are a first year, and you are perpetually sending out e-mails “Susie has a fever so I will be working from home today” and no one sends you work b/c no one has trained you or wants to try to walk you through things remotely b/c you may or may not be really available to do work, you really suffer, suffer reputation-wise, and may not meet your yours.

      Sadly, a women showing up to BigLaw as a parent of a young kid and a man showing up in the same situation are treated and have turned out radically different the few times I’ve seen it.

   7. There is no “best” time, but there is no question in my mind that there is a worst time, which is the year you are up for partner. Otherwise, if you are going to have children, there always are going to be pluses and minuses.

      Have kids while you are an associate? Then you get a real maternity leave at some firms (i.e. no requirements to work during that time), but you may have to be willing to delay your partnership track. Have kids while you are a partner? Then you get lots of flexibility, but you have to work while you are out to protect your clients and to keep your hours up enough that you do not get treated badly on compensation (and let’s not pretend that does not happen at lots of firms, OK?).

      Either way, having to keep up your client development and other non-billable responsibilities on top of parenting is a bear. And if you are in a more flexible environment, the usual cut in compensation has impacts as well.

      Bottom line, and what I tell law students, is parenting and practicing law is a difficult combination unless you have that magical combination of a great work environment, a spouse or partner that participates equally, and family or other outside help. Only you know whether parenting in law will work for you or not, but it is hard any way you go about it and even harder if you are a woman. These are facts.

      1. I don’t disagree that parenting and practicing law AT A LAW FIRM is difficult. But I think that to scare people away from the profession because it is hard at one type of law job does them a disservice – and I’m the person who’s immediate reaction to hearing that anyone is considering law school is don’t go.

         1. I am at MediumLaw now and have been in government and in-house in the past. I have friends at BigLaw and SmallLaw and who are solos, in-house, government, judges, professors and law clerks. It is not a picnic in any of those. It can be somewhat easier if you are a judge (but that does not happen for most people during their child-bearing years), government (but the maternity leave is not necessarily any good and the compensation probably will not match the responsibility or workload), or academia (assuming you have the high gpa, the clerkship, and the luck to get a tenure track job in legal education) but it is not easy even then.

            In fact, it’s not easy for anyone who wants to work outside the home and parent, regardless of gender or profession. The disservice is not to tell them about the additional issues with law because they are real and substantial.

            1. And again, I just think it depends on the job. I’m in government as are many of my friends. Our incomes may be lower than if we were in a firm, but they are significantly higher than they would have been if we had not gone to law school. And the maternity leave is not worse then more private employers.

               Yes, it is hard to be a working mother. But it is not any harder to be a working mother in my law job then it would be for me in any other job. And it is probably even easier – I get paid more than I would be making in my pre-law career and I have more flexibility then most working women.

            2. As someone who was in various other fields prior to law school, law is way easier than many, though not all, other careers to balance with family, plus you can make enough money (unlike my prior years in nonprofit) to help pay for conveniences, which goes a long way.

   8. I think there are a lot of women from a generation or two older than mine (I’m mid-30s) who had kids in law school or felt like that was the perfect time — but it was largely because employers did not have any paid maternity leave. Obviously lots still don’t, but law firms are definitely among the most generous on that score, so in my view, there’s a lot less pressure to have kids before you start working which is great.

   9. Assuming a 7-8 year partner track, I would say around year 5. You’ve proven yourself and you have enough time to get back on track to make partner on time. Have a second after making partner, but before you get to point to be considered for equity.

      1. But this isn’t realistic for a lot of women either. A 5th year associate is at least 30, and many are closer to 35. If having multiple biological children is important to you, and you’re married and financially stable, it really doesn’t make sense to wait until your mid-30s to start having kids.

         1. Possibly true, but unfortunately for professional women these days, being in your early to mid 30s when you start having kids is pretty common. We can argue out the benefits (financial stability, reputation made) and drawbacks (fertility issues, being an “older” parent), but unless/until the system drastically changes, this is likely where most of us end up.

            1. Oh I don’t disagree and personally I had my first baby at 34. But I’m not convinced having a baby as a 5th year is a more universal “perfect time” than having a baby in law school. It’s so individual for every woman. I wanted one kid and have a long family history of women having babies late (my mom had a baby at 39) so I was comfortable waiting until my mid-30s, but a lot of my friends have felt very strongly that they had to be trying before 30.

      2. This is me, but I didn’t get married until I was 28 as a 3rd year. I had my first as a 5th year at 30, and I am planning on #2 next summer (assuming all goes well) as a 7th year at 32, and then we’re considering #3 either as a super senior associate, junior non-equity partner or as counsel, presumably up for non-equity partner at 34. We’re not dead set on 3, so we will play that one by ear. Partnership track is nominally 8 years, more realistically 9-10, and I don’t doubt that practically speaking 2 or 3 maternity leaves would slow that down by a year, but I’ve also seen people make partner or counsel while on maternity leave, so who knows.

      3. I’m a fourth year and just found out I’m pregnant– agree that this timing is probably as good as it will get. I’m already trained, clients know me but don’t rely on me so much that being out for a few months will be devastating for them, and I’ve already built my reputation as a very hard worker. I’m still nervous about being able to continue leaning in once little one arrives but I have a lot of faith in myself and my partner. Trying to stay positive.

   10. We were also told this in medical school by a famous woman who was a surgeon/head of department/scientist at a “Woman in Science” luncheon.

       We all laughed.

       1. I know an absolutely brilliant med student who just had her first child. I’m curious if it was a deliberate choice re:timing, I’m convinced she is going to have a really stellar career

       2. I don’t understand why you would laugh if you are hearing this advice from someone who is very successful in her field. It may not work for everyone, but it’s clearly a path that worked for her and/or people she knows.

   11. I disagree with this advice as a blanket statement. Sure it works for some, but it would not have been good for me. I went to law school straight out of college, which would have meant having a child at 22-24. (I met my husband in college, and we married while in law school.) I was young in law school. My husband was young. Our relationship was young. We waited until I was 30 and a mid-level in biglaw to have kids. I did a lot of growing up between 22 and 30, and I am happy that I was more mature, he was mature and our relationship had weathered other events, especially during the first year of parenthood. I was more settled in my career (not that it stopped blatant discrimination at my biglaw firm). I was super ready to have a child when we did, and I still had so much growing to do while I was in law school.

       As a side note: Its not just the first year of parenting that can be tough on the career. My oldest is 7 and is going through testing/treatment for ASD now. I need to be at many doctor’s appointments, therapies, etc., and it is so incredibly helpful to be in a job (in house) where I am well established and trusted. Had I had my son in law school and followed the same career trajectory, I would be a senior associate eyeing partner.

   12. Obviously there are a million variables, the most important being whether you have a suitable partner at the time. That said, I had my son at the very beginning of my second year of law school and it worked out great for me. I didn’t have to go to work full time until he was two and law school was definitely a lot more flexible than being a junior associate. My then-husband was a teacher so his hours were reasonable and he had good insurance. So in my case it was a great decision.

       1. This sounds ideal

9. Last week someone mentioned her new interest in royal style beyond the Brits. I just wanted to toss out a few more royal and/or royal-adjacent names of potential interest: Beatrice Borromeo (married into the royal family of Monaco a couple of years ago), Sheikha Mozah of Qatar, and Empress Michiko of Japan. Three different ages and parts of the world, all with contrasting and absolutely gorgeous wardrobes perfectly suited to their roles and personalities. Royal Order of Sartorial Splendor, as mentioned last week, is a great place to follow royal style, although these three ladies don’t get much coverage.

10. Happy Monday, everyone! I have a week off in early December and am leaning towards heading to Asheville but wanted to crowd-source additional suggestions.

    Guidelines:

    – dog-friendly (I’ll grab an AirBnb, so not necessarily lodgings as much as activities);
    – good hiking;
    – good breweries/wineries;
    – vegan friendly food options (other than salads);
    – doesn’t need to be warm warm, as long as the dog can survive traipsing around in a sweater that’s good enough for us; and
    – w/in a day’s drive of PA.

    I am happy to do day trips outside of the area where I am staying if there are other fun things within an hour or two away. I really enjoy exploring small towns, things off the beaten path, and being outdoors. I don’t need anything fancy and am a very low-key traveler.

    TIA!

    1. Asheville sounds perfect for your guidelines

       1. Asheville is a great choice; I’d add Charlottesville for your consideration.

          1. +1 for Charlottesville given where you’re coming from. Hike along the AT or Blue Ridge Parkway. Lots of good wineries/breweries/distilleries.

          2. I love Charlottesville, but I have been there many times (and in the area for years for summer camp). I haven’t been to Asheville yet :)

    2. Finger Lakes are also nice, lots of small towns, great hiking, and wine/beer.

       1. That’s where I am going with the dog for a week at the beginning of October! Any specific suggestions?

          1. That’s a great time to visit. If you want to avoid the crowds at Watkins Glen, Robert H Treman park is a nice hike with some beautiful scenery. Keuka Lake is a smaller lake but has a wine trail passport that is a good deal (plus there is Dr. Frank’s is there, which is not on the passport but has free tastings). Heron Hill has a cafe that I think is open for lunch, there’s a place in Hammonsport called Timber something that is good, and in Watkins Glen I think Rooster Fish is vegan-friendly and so is the Stone Cat cafe, which is out of town and is somewhat fancy. I haven’t had any good meals in Penn Yan or Geneva.

          2. Geneva used to be kind of a food wasteland, but no more! It has legitimately good food now. If you are up there, try to get a reservation at FLX Kitchen. Kindred Fare is also great, and Ports is not quite as interesting as the first two but still lovely. Microclimate doesn’t have a full menu, but is a great wine bar. Linden Social Club for cocktails. Red Dove is good bar food, with lots of local beers. Monaco’s for coffee. Char or HJ Stead for lunch. All of these will work for vegetarians (I’m one) although you’ll want to tell FLX Kitchen when making the reservation. Non-vegetarians might also appreciate FLX Fry Bird and Finger Lakes Sausage and Beer.

             Seriously, I totally understand why the poster above would have described Geneva the way they did. Four years ago, that was an accurate statement; Red Dove and Microclimate were the only two of the places I just mentioned that were open then. But it is a whole new place now, and I’d say it has the best food in the Finger Lakes at this point. There are more options in Ithaca, but nowhere that’s as good as FLX Kitchen. All of those options are, in my opinion, better than Stone Cat.

             1. Good to know!

          3. Thank you both!!

11. What posters/pictures/etc do you have up on your desk or in your cubicle? I love poetry and would love to like push pin some up in the corner of my cubicle, but that might be too weird.

    1. I have the following:

       – picture of me and my three closest girlfriends at my sister’s wedding,
       – pictures of my animals (single, no kids);
       – a sloth-of-the month calendar;
       – a Washington Capitals towel from the Stanley Cup finals game I attended;
       – a small piece of original water color (like realllllllly small); and
       – my word-of-the day chalkboard.

       I work in a pretty casual office – not a law firm.

    2. lol its basically a shrine to my dog (now that im looking at it, its a little much), the flag of my home country, and a calendar.

       1. I feel like we would be great office friends!!! LOL

       2. The dog shrine is very real in my office. I work in midlaw at a really collegial and casual place (so, I’m not the only one). The partners I work with regularly ask me how my dog is whenever we are having small talk (some still ask about the puppy).

    3. I have a pretty photo of the lake on my alma mater’s campus, some paper stars I made from old book covers (I work in a book-related field), and a few quotations that I’ve pinned up at various points in time.
       To your question about poetry, one of the quotations is a section of a Walt Whitman poem that I copied onto paper from a pretty notepad. It’s fun to see who gets the reference.

       1. That’s exactly what I like to do too – I write down favorite quotations in a notebook and occasionally write them down on pretty paper and put them up in my room.

    4. I have post cards from places I’ve traveled. Some are nature scenes and others are artwork that I’ve seen in museums.

       A calendar from a foster kitten account I follow on Instagram. A few cards I’ve gotten over the years.

       I also have some work related papers posted with contact info for the help desk and other phone numbers I might need if my laptop died. I also keep a small basket with hand lotion and chapstick. And I have a little cat-shaped cell phone older.

    5. I got a lot of flack about not decorating my office when I started my job, so I got a Sierra Club calendar and a betta fishtank. My degrees are still rolled up in the corner – I really need to get them framed.

    6. I have a ceramic tile that says, “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.” I also have a sign that says, “If at first you don’t succeed try two more times so that your failure is statistically significant.”

       1. Haha I have a coffee mug that says that!

    7. I have two calendars – a horse calendar that was a gift, and a National Parks Foundation calendar that came because I donated. I also have 3 baseball bobbleheads, a succulent, and my Harry Potter mug with the Marauder’s Map on it that says “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

    8. I have many things, because I can’t stare at grey walls every day. I’m somewhat known for having a very colorful working space, which doesn’t bother me a bit.

       – A calendar from a local secondhand bookstore
       – Various photographic prints, both black and white and in color. They’re all nature related.
       – Colorful souvenirs
       – A few quotes (some of which are on … colorful photographic prints)

    9. Post the poetry if it makes you happy!

       I just moved into a new office so it’s currently pretty bare. Almost every else in the building has been here for 10+ years, and have cozy/cluttered/personalized offices. So far I just have a photo of my husband and dog, a plant, and my magic 8 ball.

    10. I have some postcards from places I’ve traveled, a calendar, the Massachusetts attorney oath, a small Princess Leia “A Woman’s Place is in the Resistance” poster, a map with the circuits color coded, a picture of me with my mom and grandma, and antique maps of DC. Oh, and an RBG DISSENT postcard that I got at the holiday market.

    11. Definitely a know your office situation. But my office is quirky and fun, so I have:
        -large mountain scenery picture
        -Disney Kinkade calendar
        -large Tree of Gondor blanket hung like a tapestry (behind my door, though)
        -two 8×10 collages of me + BF
        -coloring book page that I work on when on hold
        and the crowning glory (I work in medicine)
        -anatomical sketches of a dragon, sphinx, and centaur

12. Seeking the sage wisdom of this community…I’m in the VERY early planning stages of my wedding. FH has 4 adults and 3 children in his family that are orthodox Jews and strictly kosher. We expect other dietary restrictions (vegetarian, GF) and will do our best to accommodate, but this is an entire other thing because a normal caterer cannot provide kosher meals. If we don’t provide kosher meals, they will not eat (at our most recent family gathering they complained at length about a recent European vacation, wherein due to the lack of kosher restaurants they had to eat literally carrots from the grocery store the entire trip). Is it best to get a separate kosher caterer just for them? To invite them but not accommodate them knowing they’ll starve and complain? To not invite them? I’m so lost.

    1. This is pretty routine. Your caterer should be able to work with a kosher caterer to get sealed kosher meals delivered. If they can’t, then contact a kosher caterer and make arrangements. No, obviously you don’t invite them and let them starve!

       1. This is such a relief. Haven’t talked to any caterers yet so this is news to me. Thanks!

          1. I attend a lot of business functions in NYC and there are always boxed kosher meals off to the side for those who requested them in advance. The ubiquity of these makes me think kosher caterers / meal delivery services aren’t that hard to find.

             I do think it’s likely the kosher meal will be served to your guests right in the box and not plated. This may not be the wedding reception aesthetic you’re imagining but putting the kosher food on plates that have been used for both meat and dairy is a no-no.

             1. LOL that’s in NYC though. NY has the largest concentration of Orthodox Jews outside of Israel by far. Most big cities probably have some kosher catering options, but there are plenty of smaller cities or rural areas won’t have them.

    2. I would say invite them but let them know the food won’t be Kosher and don’t be offended if they don’t come. DH and I are both ethnically Jewish but not religious, but his father’s cousin keeps Kosher and didn’t attend our wedding because we couldn’t offer Kosher meals (we got married in a resort area and Kosher catering just wasn’t an option).

       1. We invited one person to our wedding who was kosher but did not have any kosher offerings. They came for the ceremony but left before dinner.

    3. You could also have a kosher caterer do the whole wedding, right?

       1. Yeah but they’re usually much more expensive and also not good.

          1. Most kosher caterers are… not great. Kosher restaurants can be fantastic, though! Are there any in your area that could do the meals you need?

    4. Kosher meals separate for these close family members, one vegetarian option for guests in general, all other food preferences will just have to deal. It’s not your job to provide the exact meal specifications for anyone but the wedding party and close family, and it’s polite to have a vegetarian option because that is common. But once you get into accommodating paleo, pescatarian, gluten free, Xyz food sensitivity, it gets to be too expensive and really those people know and expect their meal options to be limited in wedding settings, you don’t have to cater to everything. The nicest thing to do for what I’ll term the “other” meal options, is to have a hearty salad option (with croutons and eggs or other meat/controversial items as sides) and an assortment of dressing so at least they won’t starve.

       1. +1 I’m vegan, but certainly do not expect people to cater to that at their weddings. I eat before I go and bring some sort of food bar in my purse with me.

       2. I disagree with this as a blanket rule. We really wanted the guests we invited to be able to come and so happily provided vegan, vegetarian and carnivore meals.

          1. Good for you. Doesn’t mean everybody has to do that.

             1. That’s Ella’s entire point: it’s not always the right answer.

       3. Alternative meals should be well within standard operating practice for any qualified caterer theses days. Paleo, no, that’s not really a food restriction, but a caterer should easily be able to provide a vegan meal even if it wasn’t one of the entree choices you selected. You don’t instruct the caterer to prepare a salad or whatever, you would order a “vegan meal” with your tally and they provide. Easy peasy.

    5. I will add that, depending on what part of the country you’re in, you may have to educate your caterer a lot about why you need kosher catering and what it means. That was one of my two Bridezilla moments – my caterer could. not. understand. why I was refusing to serve bacon-wrapped dates during cocktail hour after a Jewish wedding and needed (catering package came with 3 set appetizers, I wanted to either swap the dates for something else or just serve more of two appetizer options – none of the guests kept Kosher, but there were several who don’t eat pork, and the optics would’ve been pretty bad).

       1. We had lobster at our Jewish wedding :) We got married in Maine, we couldn’t NOT serve it. Some of my husband’s relatives got pretty offended though.

          1. Haha yes. Our Jewish wedding had crab cakes, but we did nix the ham biscuits (Chesapeake Bay theme!).

             1. I grew up on the Chesapeake and I’ve never heard of ham biscuits. Beaten biscuits, yes. But don’t feel like you didn’t keep to your theme because you didn’t have whatever ham biscuits are!

       2. My rule is no pork and no shellfish, despite how much SO loves both, so it’s not kosher, but kosher-ish. We compromised by having oysters and BBQ at the brunch the morning after.

    6. In addition to vegetarian, caterers (especially if you do the hotel route) are frequently doing allergen free options (e.g., no gluten, no eggs, no dairy) that they source from a particular vendor with a clean kitchen. Depending on the size of the your wedding, you might want to also consider using a restaurant or caterer that has a scratch kitchen because, say, making all food gluten free (except dessert) is generally actually pretty easy.

    7. I would get a kosher caterer! DH and I got one kosher meal from a place we picked semi-randomly off a list of legit kosher caterers provided by the local rabbinical council. Just don’t forget that if it’s a Saturday wedding you’ll have to pick it up early! Not inviting them or not having any food they can eat seems really harsh to me.

    8. If you want to post your location I might be able to help. I travel frequently with others that keep kosher, so I’ve got some ideas around the US (even a few abroad). Or email me at crossedpaws10 at the G mail.

    9. Got married in Minnesota. Had a non Jewish caterer do our wedding – we did a dairy meal family style. So we had salad, salmon and lots of veggies sides. Many of the sides were gluten free, many were vegan. Even my midwest meat and potato relatives didn’t mention missing having meat and raved about the food so whew. There was some stress there.

       We had 7 ish people attend who needed strict Kosher meals. Both our venue and caterer were totally understanding. We ordered through a kosher restaurant in town – our wedding was on a Sunday so there was no problem with this. We had them delivered right before the meal time. They came wrapped in tinfoil and pre plated with disposable silverware. Remember if they are strict kosher they can’t eat off the plates and cups and silverware the rest of your guests are using. We also ordered some dessert for them this way. The only thing we kind of dropped the ball on was making sure the kosher guests had something to eat during the cocktail hour.

       We had gluten free bread baskets btw that we had a waiter walk around and offer to our gluten free guests and a gluten free/vegan dessert area. We didn’t a cake at all but had mini desserts and so this worked out fine.

       One other thing we did was we were very clear on the website when they were RSVPing what style meal it was. I don’t remember the wording but basically it said it wasn’t Kosher but it was a dairy meal with no meat. and if you needed a strict Kosher meal to mark that.

       Let me know if you have any other questions!

13. I need some advice navigating a friendgroup situation. I’ll try to keep it as succinct as possible.

    My SO and I made friends with a couple who we enjoy hanging out with in various formations, 1 on 1, double dating, sometimes just one of us hanging out with two of them, etc. They have an old female friend who is nice and smart but not in a great place right now emotionally, which I get, because I’ve only crawled out of depression in the last couple of years myself. I also have a history of getting into codependent, obligation-driven female friendships, so I’m very on edge about boundaries now.

    Last week, she invited me somewhere somewhat unappealing, and then later that night the couple invited me and SO to very appealing plans. I felt the need to turn down both invitations even though I wanted to accept the second because it felt mean spirited to accept the second, which she would inevitably find out about.

    Also last week, I was hanging out with her and the couple, and I wound up being ‘responsible’ for getting her home because she was drunk and near tears about her recent break up, and we live in the same direction (though not at all near each other) while the couple lives together in the opposite direction. So I paid for a cab for both of us and she cried in the back seat while I tried my best to be empathetic. I was having a blast and probably would have gotten another round with the couple if she hadn’t been too sad and needed to be accompanied home.

    I guess I just want advice on how to navigate this. How do I remain empathetic and considerate without feeling obligated to take care of this person’s emotions? It would be a non-issue if I were not friends with that couple, but because I am, her needs kind of come up frequently somehow. Like getting two invitations the same day, feeling bad that I’m asking them to hang out more often than I’m asking her to hang out, being the one who gets her home, etc.

    1. 1- get over it. Accept the invites you want. You barely know this woman. It’s your project to deal with yourself about that without guilt.

       2- refuse. “I’m going to stay for another round.” And when I’ve had to do this I’ve texted the next morning and said “hey, I’m not up for this. Don’t count on me to get you home.”

       You owe this woman common courtesy and politeness. That’s all.

       1. +1 This woman’s emotions are not your responsibility. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

       2. +1 you can be friendly without being a friend. She’s an acquaintance and already a burden. Don’t accept invites from her, don’t contact her unless necessary, only interact when she happens to be there with the couple friend. You have no obligation to be her friend.

       3. +1

          This.

          I’m also a little concerned about you, as this seems to be rising to a bigger issue than it should be? Are you still seeing a therapist and/or have strategies for dealing with stressors?

          I would be very clear at declining invitations with this woman, and also ask your couple friends to do things with just the 4 of you.

          Maybe I’m different, but I think sharing a cab home with this woman who was drunk and upset was just a decent thing to do, and it’s not like this is happening ?every week, so it shouldn’t be such a big issue. I would look on working on yourself a bit.

          1. Yes, and I’ll be bringing this up with my therapist next time I see her. Could you elaborate on why this concerns you about me? Because I’m very much trying to untangle it as an issue.

             It feels ‘mean’ to say anything to the couple because often they’re the ones who invite her and almost… insisted on the friendship with them carrying over to her as well?

             Yes agreed about the cab thing, and by itself was not a big deal at all, but it was kind of the nail in the coffin for me because it feels like the ‘need’ and forced intimacy is escalating.

             1. If they invite her, fine. You don’t have to and you don’t have to worry about saying no to her.

             2. I’m not the person you’re responding to but this is concerning because you’re not setting healthy boundaries for yourself. In fact you’re gaslighting yourself OUT of healthy boundaries. It’s not mean to say no to an invite you don’t want. It’s not mean to do something else instead. It’s not mean to say no I don’t want to leave yet. Women are taught to be agreeable caretakers and you need to shake yourself out of that social programming.

             3. I’m concerned because I can relate to your discomfort. I would feel similarly. I am also bad about communicating with my friends about my needs. However, I am learning that my friends are not mind readers, and they care about me too, and want me to be comfortable too. And I’m also realizing that my anxiety is not well controlled, and my self-confidence (and feelings of self-worth) still need a lot of work, and this is also the biggest contributor to my discomfort.

                How is your anxiety these days? What are your strategies for dealing with it?

                Obviously you can’t go for a run or start doing a meditation every time you encounter this woman, so I wonder…. do you have such stresses and subsequent ruminations for other brief situations in your life? Maybe you need better strategies for decreasing your baseline anxiety/medication changes. That is great you have a therapist who knows you well. I bet they will have ideas.

                Finally, are you sure they are requiring you to hang out with this woman, if you want to be friends with them? Because that is kind of…. psychotic? Like… what married couple does that? Insists that their depressed friend come with them? It is completely fine for you to say NO to them if you invite your friends out and they ask to bring her. If they insist, you can always say, well maybe we can get together another time when you guys are free to come alone. Finally, where the heck is your husband? Maybe he can have a blunt simple discussion with them/the husband too saying…. our free time is short, let us know when you are free so we can get together as couples. Maybe even say that their friend is making you uncomfortable. It is what it is.

                Everything in life is a trade off. One of my closest friends is married to…. an annoying idiot. But I love her, and I am learning how to deal with him so I don’t loose one of the most important people in my life. Maybe it’s time to tell your friends how you feel? It’s just too much for you right now.

             4. I think we are sometimes a bit too black and white in our responses.

                If I had just invited someone to do something and they had turned me down (and maybe made an excuse out of kindness for my feelings), and then immediately afterwards agreed to do something else with the only two other people there for the same night….. I would be upset. Not that the person did anything wrong per se, by refusing my invitation and accepting the other invitation. But the person was clearly saying….. “I don’t like you enough to accept your invitation to do something you enjoy, just to spend time with you. And I don’t like you enough to decline the specific invitation, but offer to do something else etc…. Or even worse…. I don’t even want to get to know you”. This is social graces 101.

                These things seem easy to navigate for some on this board, but not so for someone with social anxiety and/or insecurity. And if you do think they are easy, I might actually look at yourself a little and wonder if you have actually upset some of your friends/acquaintances around you. Which is your right. And maybe you don’t care. Shrugs

                It reminds me when someone says to a smoker…. “why don’t you just quit?”. Obviously, people are different. What is easy for you isn’t for someone else. Giving strategies as advice is really helpful.

             5. Oh please.

             6. Thank you to Anon @ 11:59 am!!!! Just because I don’t ‘owe’ someone something doesn’t mean that I want to be totally insensitive. Making an excuse for the first invitation and then immediately accepting a similar one that she was bound to know about was just something I couldn’t square with myself. It’s just too blatant. But I do want to figure out where my lines are and stick to them.

             7. Look OP you identified yourself as someone who has had lots of problematic friendships. This is why. Because you refuse the normal boundaries most of us don’t think twice about.

             8. Anon @ 11:59 a.m.

                The facts of life are that some people aren’t going to want to get to know you at all, and that is their right! I’m pretty freaking awesome, but if someone doesn’t want to be my friend, that’s totally cool. It doesn’t mean I am not awesome, it just means they have a reason for not wanting to be friends with me. I’m a grown woman and they do not owe me any sort of explanation. Not to mention, why would I spend time worrying about people who don’t want to be friends with me anyway?

                To the OP, if this woman gets upset because you decline her invitation and then accept another one, that’s on her. Again, you are NOT responsible for her emotions. Listen, I’m not advocating you go over to her house and kick her dog, right? We are emphasizing that the way someone handles rejection is ON THEM. Yes, please be polite and courteous, but you can’t say yes to everything because you are worried about hurting people’s feelings. One of the great things about being an adult is getting to decide what you participate in and what you don’t! Another great thing is that you don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. If you want to stop being in toxic friendships/relationships, you need to accept both of these things IMO/IME.

          2. To Anon @ 11:50 am, thank you for breaking it down for me. Very helpful. Yes I 100% ruminate on interactions, relationships, etc. So much better than I used to be, but obviously room for growth.

    2. I don’t understand why you felt like you had to turn down both invitations. You don’t care for this woman and you didn’t want to do the thing she invited you to. It’s ok to say no thanks for no reason other than you don’t feel like it. If she gives you a hard time about it… so what? You wanted to do B and not A so that’s what you did.

       I can understand why you were annoyed about escorting her home but I think it was the right thing to do in the moment. Don’t let someone who’s sloppy drunk go home by herself. This is safety 101. But that’s definitely something I would do for an acquaintance ONCE. You’re totally in the right to wave this around as the reason you don’t want to go drinking with her.

       1. Right, totally agreed. Though she wasn’t ‘sloppy drunk’ necessarily, more just ‘sad drunk.’ From a safety standpoint I would have felt totally fine making sure she got IN a cab, but it was clear that everyone expected me to escort her home for the emotional part of the gesture.

          1. You can say no. And should. You need to develop some confidence in yourself. “She’ll be fine, I’m staying and hanging out.” “Look, I don’t want to be rude here, but I’m not interrupting a fun night to play nursemaid.”

          2. I think you might need to practice doing things that feel b!tchy in the moment, because they actually aren’t–they just feel that way. You mention you have a habit of getting into codependent relationships, and that this couple keeps trying to push this woman onto your group time. I’d recommend checking out Captain Awkward for scripts on how to decline spending time with her, and practice letting go of your guilt about feeling mean for not wanting to spend time with this person you barely know.

14. Question about BMR and weight loss. If I’ve used an online calculator to estimate my BMR (emphasis on estimate) and it gave me a number (let’s say, 1700), is that the max amount of calories I should eat on days I exercise or days I don’t exercise? I put in “moderately active” in the calculator, but I wasn’t sure if that number of calories that I burn is for “normal” days or “exercise” days. Any advice?

    1. I think it works best of you choose sedentary as your activity level and then add on your exercise. If you say you’re moderately active because of exercise and then you also track exercise calories, it’s like you’re counting it twice, if that makes sense. Once you figure out what your BMR is and what deficit you want (like say, 500 calories less than your BMR), then you subtract the deficit number from your BMR to get your goal number. The goal number is net calories, so you’d keep a running list of what you eat and then subtract exercise calories from it. So, if your goal is 1500 calories and you burn 500 calories running, you’d need to eat 2000 calories to get to that 1500 number.

    2. If you say moderately active then you have to make sure you’re burning however many extra calories it assigned to you over your resting rate. I agree with the person above that it’s easier to start at sedentary and then add on as needed.

15. Just curious, did any of you see The ring cycle at SF opera? Cycle 3 just ended last night and if there were a fourth cycle I’d be trying to snag tickets today. It was my first Ring and I was blown away.

    1. Jealous! Long-time opera fan, and our city has not done The Ring in the 10 years or so I’ve been a subscriber.

       1. I think a lot of people travel for the ring. I’m now eyeing Chicago in 2020.

          1. Any others you know about? I was finishing my thesis when DC had their Ring Cycle and was incredibly sad to miss it.

             1. I think the Met is doing. That’s too many NYC trips in a year for me, but I’ve always wanted to see a Ring Cycle, too. Minnesota Opera did Reingeld a few years ago, so I was hoping the full cycle would follow. No dice. Yet!

             2. I’m in m0d but most importantly look for a ring cycle that packs all four operas into one week. They sometimes call these Ring festivals and they tend to be spring/summer things after the regular season concludes. The NY 2019 is unfortunately not organized like this so would require several trips to see.

             3. The Met is doing the Ring Cycle in spring 2019.

    2. Not all companies do their ring cycles for travelers. I think NY’s cycle takes place over several weeks.

       The website The Wagnerian did a round up of 2018 rings at the end of 2017. I hope they do the same for 2019.

       Chicago’s 2020 is well timed for traveling – all three cycles are packed into single weeks. Just like SF did.

       It is well worth a week’s vacation in a cool city!

    3. I happen to know the person singing Wotan. Astounding!

       1. He was A-MAZ-ING!

          please tell him he had some huge fans in the balcony. We even wore our eye patches!

       2. Ahhhh! Cool! I’ve seen pics of him on Fb in the whole Wotan drag. He looks great!

16. Any recs for a fun restaurant in NYC on Tuesday night? Will be coming in at Grand Central, and be seeing a Broadway show. Up for anything. Not too expensive, somewhere with good drinks and good food, that isn’t too far from the area because it’s going to be so hot!

    1. Toalache. Make a reservation

    2. Sen Sakana, esp. if you like sushi
       Excellent cocktails
       Very convenient location for your trip

       Oyster Bar in Grand Central is a classic if you are into that.

17. Always good design advice on here, so hoping someone might somewhere for me to start re: lighting ideas. I really dislike the lighting fixtures in most rooms in our new house. The main ones that concern me are kitchen, living room, and hallways. I’ve gotten overwhelmed looking at catalogs, because I’m not even sure exactly what I’m looking for. Any ideas for lighting inspiration?

    1. ApartmentTherapy is a great resource for inspiration. Just do a search on their archives. I’d also definitely go antiquing for this, personally.

       1. I didn’t even think of going antiquing; that is an awesome idea.

    2. Check out West Elm, if you’re into mid-century they have a lot of great lighting options, usually a coupon, and the quality is great (I have quite a few of their pieces).

       1. Agree. Whatever your feeling about West Elm (I generally like it but know that’s not always popular), the lighting is really a good value for the quality.

18. I just bought black Lululemon On The Fly pants this weekend. Ideas for how to style them?

    1. T-shirt and sneakers? They’re athleisure pants, not sure what you’re looking for.

       1. +1 they’re overpriced sweatpants. What do you wear with other sweatpants?

    2. I’ll give you a real answer, since I often travel with just these pants and a dress (for casual things, not work obviously). I always roll them at the hems but I’m short. I think they look best with a little ankle.

       — T shirt, half tuck in the front, and nice sneakers. Ballcap and/or scarf, crossbody bag. This is generally what I fly in.
       — White T shirt and a loose button-down, either unbuttoned like a jacket or buttoned but not tucked in. Sandals or sneakers. Straw hat.
       — Tank or tee shirt tucked in, with a colorful bomber jacket. Add block heel sandals to dress this up, ballcap and flat sandals to dress it down.
       — Wrap sweater that covers the drawstring waist and heels for going out on a cool summer night.
       — Bodysuit or swimsuit looks nice in contrast to the looser bottom. Dress up or down with shoes and accessories.

       1. Thanks!

    3. On the Fly pants are my Saturday morning uniform – I wear them with tank tops and slippers just in case someone comes to the door. They would look odd with any intentional “styling.”

    4. I love these pants for travel! I wear them with a white T, denim jacket, scarf, and fashion sneakers. I have also worn them with a tank top and sandals. I think they’re really versatile!

19. I have a stressful family life. I suspect that the sister who has always brought the trouble may have NPD. I just want to cut things off with her, but as our parents age / downsize / need someone to hold a POA and HCPOA and durable POA, I will probably have to interact with her more than I’d like to. [The rest of the family is fairly non-explosive non-incendiary.]

    I don’t want to get a therapist to diagnose or try to treat her, but feel like I’d just like to have someone (not my parents, not other family, not putting this on my spouse) to just hear me out on the drama and maybe give me permission to cut ties and to deal with her in ways that are fair (and perhaps mainly by e-mail not in person (she lives very far away from any family).

    I can just see where things like picture books (the plan with my parents is to make digital copies of everything and then share), household objects (do you want anything? if not, we will be donating the contents of the house), family house (we will be selling it and moving my parents into a 2-BR rental in my zip code). Parents have already bought burial plots, so I won’t need to decide anything w/r/t that. I can just see how I will be yelled at, subject to hateful e-mails and texts, and possibly sued (for elder abuse, coversion, etc. b/c she probably just wants all of their money even though they will need it to live off of and other than a house and pensions have nothing really of value).

    Ugh.

    Not sure what my question is, other than is this what therapists do — help people who have difficult family situations that are made especially awful b/c of one unfortunate person?

    1. Acronym overload. Please specify.

       1. Not the OP, but these are easy ones: Narcissistic Personality Disorder; Power of Attorney; Health Care Power of Attorney; Bedroom.

    2. So, you are stressing about dealing with your parent’s estate when your parents are both living, healthy, in their home and so organized they already have purchased your burial plots?

       You need therapy. Are you seeing someone?

       If and when you become a caregiver, then you join a local caregiver support group.

       Yes, dealing with parental death and the estate is rarely easy, and can be stressful with difficult family members. Email is a PERFECT place for dealing with this. But you should not be worrying about this now. You assist your parents, if they even need assistance (sounds like they are more on the ball than most!), in having the POA etc.. and a will in place. Then step back.

       And see a therapist to help you navigate your relationship with your sister. If you are not living near her now, I’m not sure why there needs to be much interaction at all?

       1. +1

    3. I sympathize. Narcissism wreaks havoc in family dynamics. If your sister has narcissistic tendencies, it forces everyone in the family to adopt some sort of role in relation to her, whether that is accommodating, distancing, aligning, etc. It’s exhausting, and the chaos can make you question your own judgment and perspective. That’s where a good therapist can be really helpful, especially over the long-term. The therapist can be your compass when the inevitable storms come.

       Although I agree with the previous poster that there’s limited utility in worrying now about settling your parents’ estate, I also understand the anticipatory dread. When you’ve grown up around narcissistic rage, you’re always trying to prevent the circumstances that could lead to the next explosion.

       You might consider finding a therapist who is familiar with the work of Karyl McBride. She focuses on adult children of narcissistic parents, but there are plenty of parallels. Her website has a “Resources” tab.

       Anecdotally, I saw two therapists who never really grokked how my mother’s behavior (constant victimhood, lying, gaslighting, obsession with appearances, etc) was disordered, wanted me to “heal” that relationship, which only made me feel guilty about not being able to have a happy relationship with my mom, who is a profoundly disordered person. You can’t have a loving relationship with a shark (or at least I can’t!). My current therapist is well-versed in narcissism and has really helped me understand the underlying issues, set boundaries to protect my marriage and family, etc. I do have a relationship with my mom, but I’ve had to be very clear and consistent about expectations and consequences.

       One more hard-won piece of wisdom: find a friend or two who has a first-degree relative with narcissistic qualities. They’ll get what you’re going through.

       1. Online support groups can be useful too.

    4. You’re right, I don’t think getting a formal diagnosis for your sister is going to be super-helpful. If you want someone to validate your (reasonable!) desire to set boundaries/remind you you aren’t ridiculous, I’d recommend finding a therapist, preferably someone who specializes in family dynamics or aging parents. Helping your parents needs to be (and sounds like it is) your first priority, and having a neutral third party who can help you check your head and hold the line would be a valuable resource.

    5. I agree that you should get a therapist for yourself. CBT is the most evidence-based approach for many other therapeutic objectives, but DBT is supposed to be better than CBT when it comes to situations involving personality disorders (as you know, personality disorders are a whole other kettle of fish in just about every respect). Other commenters made some more specific recommendations, but I wanted to share this acronym in case it’s easier to find or more accessible.

    6. I also have a narcissistic sister who has wreaked havoc on my family dynamics (and on many individual members of the family). Therapy has been HUGELY helpful in coping and setting boundaries, and in recognizing the ways in which my other family members, as a poster above said, adopt roles in relation to her behavior. You don’t have to be the one with a diagnosable mental illness to benefit from therapy!

20. Thanks to everyone who recommended tube mascara. I picked up a Loreal version over the weekend and fell in love with it. great results, no smudging, and no need to smother my face in cold cream!

    1. Where do you get it? Is that something you can find at a drug store?

       1. Yup, I got mine at Walgreens

       2. The L’Oreal version is “Double Extend Beauty Tubes Lengthening Mascara”. It’s one of the two sided ones with primer on one side and mascara on the other. You don’t have to use the primer if you don’t want to; it just adds a little “oomph” to the volume.

21. My BigLaw office is doing a casual week this week since the holiday falls awkwardly and many people are out. What do you wear for casual days in a usually business-attire office? I’m not coming up with anything beyond sundresses.

    1. Following. I recently moved into a CLO role and feel like I need to up my Casual Friday game. I think dark jeans, white top, black blazer would work, but don’t love it on me. Shopping incessantly.

    2. I just leave my blazer off or wear a cardigan instead of a blazer.

    3. Is denim allowed? That’s my go-to for casual days. Sundresses seem sort of twee to me, and I wouldn’t wear them to the office.

       1. +1. That means denim allowed in our office. Given the air conditioning inside, jeans and this oppressive heat mix just fine.

    4. Dark jeans, sleeveless shell (same kind of top I wear most days), structured cardigan or relaxed blazer is my uniform for this. My office is doing something similar this week and I’m currently wearing Loft bootcut jeans in their darkest blue wash, pointy-toe flats, pale pink Pleione blouse, and a light grey jersey blazer that I picked up from Nordstrom Rack at some point. .

    5. I wear a non suiting blazer with trouser cut pants in a more casual fabric, like ponte. Or I wear a ponte sheath with a short cardigan.

    6. I find this kind of ambiguous “casual but not really” dress code stressful and difficult to implement, so I just don’t participate on the rare occasion it’s offered. :)

    7. White jeans and lightweight sleeveless shells, with my office cardigan handy for meetings/conference rooms.

    8. Jeans + blazer

       1. Co sign!

       2. Just as a counterpoint, in my NYC biglaw office, you would be very overdressed in a blazer on casual days (and we have casual days every Friday). Not that it matters AT ALL and you can of course still wear a blazer, but just don’t want the OP to think that blazers are the norm in all biglaw offices on casual days.

          FWIW, I wear more casual dresses on our casual days during the summer (sleeved J. McLaughlin dresses, a silk dress with sleeves, a sleeveless eyelet sheath dress, etc.). No way I am wearing jeans when it is 90+ even if the AC is on inside.

    9. Colored casual slacks (I have a pair of cobalt ones I love), with a softer blouse or crisp knit top (newer, not a faded tshirt) and cardigan.

22. I know we complain a lot here about wedding related stuff. And believe me I’ve complained too. I’m out of that period of my life where I have 5 weddings every summer and I was really starting to enjoy having my summers to myself… and then the funerals started. Is that just life from here on out? You go from having 5 weddings a summer to 5 funerals a summer? Can I go back to weddings please?

    1. Funerals are not seasonal, but there are more as your get older. That’s life.

    2. Hopefully the 5 funerals a summer is a fluke, especially seeing as you are probably in your late twenties to early thirties just coming out of the 5 weddings a summer period – it is exceptionally unusual for your same age peers (that you are close enough to attend a funeral) to die out in short time frames and so young. Sorry for your losses.

    3. Sorry for your losses. I thankfully haven’t had many funerals to attend, but have definitely transitioned from 5 weddings/summer to 5 baby showers each year (I’m 33).

    4. We had four from Christmas to Valentine’s this year. And they were all over the place too (different states or countries) so the logistics of attending was @_@
       I fully expect more just because I have aging relatives, and it’s sad but it’s a part of life.

    5. Very quickly the number of weddings you attend will drop drastically. I can count the number I have been to in the past 15 years on one hand.

       And are you seriously complaining about the number of funerals you “have to” go to? If so…

       You really need to grow up.

       1. You need to calm down a little bit, Anonymous! You’re leaving pretty snarky replies on posts that don’t warrant them this morning. OP is not complaining about having to go to funerals, she’s complaining that she’s losing loved ones. That is very obvious and you should work on your contextual reading skills.

          1. To be fair, we don’t know if it’s one Anonymous or a few, it’s hard to tell! And we don’t know if someone’s having a legitimately hard time putting them on edge, unexpectedly losing a loved one will do that.

             Grief is a complicated thing sometimes, and people experience it a number of different ways, you gotta remember that just because someone is grieving differently than you doesn’t make their way wrong, as long as they’re being respectful of the deceased and fellow mourners (and I’ll acknowledge that respect can sometimes be a loaded term as well, in that we have differing opinions on how to show respect).

       2. What on earth? Of course losing people close to you is awful. Why on earth is that something to “grow up” about???

          I swear comments like this make me not even want to read this s i t e anymore.

       3. Yeah seriously, people who mourn the loss of their loved ones really need to grow up and get over it, amirite.

          This is an honest question – what is wrong with you that you felt your comment was appropriate?

       4. I don’t think OP was complaining! My takeaway is that we might get tired of weddings and find things that bother us about the celebrations, but we should appreciate the chance to come together and celebrate our friends’ joyful milestones while we can, because eventually, most of these gatherings will be somber affairs and we may long for the days when we were celebrating marriages and babies.

          I’m relatively young, and haven’t really hit that time in my life where I’m trying to fit 5 weddings into one summer, but if I ever do start to feel burned out on weddings and baby showers, I’ll remember this post. Thank you for reminding us to appreciate the happy times while we can, and I’m sorry for your loss.

       5. See, I feel like this is a case where presuming good intentions would really help.

          I read the OP as saying “OMG weddings are happy and funerals are sad, and I would much prefer that the people in my life were having happy occasions rather than sad ones!” Which I feel like is pretty hard to find fault with.

          1. Yeah, my reply is still on moderation (what did I do?) but that’s how I read it too, and I hope to remember it when I too start feeling burnt out on weddings and baby showers. Appreciate the joyous occasions while you can.

          2. Being someone who just had a close relative die unexpectedly where many friends attended the funeral, I read the “have to attend” as being a little insensitive/flippant too. I hope my friends didn’t feel like they “had to” attend and then complain about it on an anonymous message board.

             1. I see your point, acting like this is such an inconvenience, and you’re only going because you feel obligated can definitely sound disrespectful. However, I re-read OP’s comment a couple times and I couldn’t find the part where she specifically said she has to attend any funerals, nor did it sound at all like she was complaining or groaning about being dragged or something. She has funerals to attend, that sounds neutral to me.

             2. Where did she say she “had to” attend funerals? She said she used to grumble about all the weddings she attended, but lately she’s been going to a lot more funerals than weddings and she would prefer attending weddings. Seems pretty non-controversial to me.

             3. The phrase “have to” or “have to attend” appears literally nowhere in the OP. I’m very sorry for your loss. How about reading what the person is actually saying before projecting?

             4. Literally nobody here is complaining about “having to attend” funerals, except for the people who are complaining about those nonexistent complaints!

23. Help for Asheville!

    I have been there once before, and couldn’t quite figure it out. It was a lot of healing-crystal / drum circle stuff and I couldn’t really figure out what do actually do there. There are ton of little shops, but maybe want I really want are more scenic places (also shaded would be awesome) maybe along a river somewhere? not necessarily hiking.

    And then I could find enough brewpubs for meals in stroll districts, so that’s fine.

    Before, I felt like I was walking through Stuff White People Like to a degree that was too much even for me.

    1. For me, a trip to Asheville is about 2 things– breweries and mountains. I hike in the mountains surrounding Asheville during the morning/day, then go out to breweries in the evening.

       1. If I go with two elementary school children, how do you find good 1-2 hour hikes for us? We like walking in the woods, but are not into hard-core hiking (or anything that would require more than sneakers, a water bottle, and some snacks).

          Unless everyone is all-hat-no-cattle, what is there for the rest of us? And how do you find it?

          I’m all about beer after and some good food.

          1. Search for family-friendly hikes on google or your favorite hiking website– I use All Trails. Last time I was there I did the Hemp Hill Road Trail that sounds exactly like what you describe.

    2. Why are you going again? That’s what it is. You clearly don’t like it.

       1. 1. It is cool there (physically, this time of year) and pretty. Also a lot less humid.

          2. Downtown Asheville is just any tourist town’s tourist trap. Go to eat / drink beer.

          1. My favorite resource for hikes is actually romanticasheville dot com. Very clear directions and descriptions. Catawba Falls is a good easy hike. Chimney Rock you have to pay to get in but it’s a lot of fun. Graveyard Fields hike allows for swimming in the river – put the kids in suits and bring towels. For adults go to Max Patch, bring a picnic, make a reservation for a hot tub in Hot Springs afterwards. Also it is very hot and humid here (91 tomorrow). It only cools off when you go up a mountain. All these hikes have breweries or wineries close by. There are some breweries along the river where you can hang out, play games – Salvage Station is one. Zillicoah is another. The River Arts District has a lot of cool galleries. You can rent tubes and tube down the river. You can take fly fishing lessons. You can mountain bike at Bent Creek. Visit the Cradle of Forestry education center (kids) and do the Pink Beds loop hike and then eat BBQ at Hawg Wild and then go to Oskar Blues and Bold Rock (cider). This is what locals do!! Hike, beer and cider, arts stuff. We do not go shopping downtown on weekends! There are some super cute boutiques downtown though. Also looking at hashtag Asheville on Instagram will give you ideas.

             1. Thank you so much — all of this sounds awesome!

24. What are some tourist attractions that are open after 5?

    I’m interning in Boston this summer and since I’ve never lived here before, I’d like to see some touristy things. I have some time on the weekends, but I’m also traveling due to family things a good amount. So what are some museums or historical places or other attractions open after 5?

    I know Isabella Stewart Gardner museum is open late on Thursdays.

    1. The MFA is also open late a few days a week in the summer. If you’re up for doing outdoor things, you can take a kayak out on the Charles (which I think is the best way to see the Boston skyline). The Skywalk Observatory at the top of the Prudential is open until 10pm in the summer.

       This isn’t particularly touristy, but BU has night on which the observatory is open to the public. Ditto Shakespeare in the Park; it’s not touristy, but its fun and a nice way to enjoy the Commons.

       1. Oh, and there are tours of the older section Boston Public Library.

       2. Oh yes, I recommend renting a kayak, you can rent one and have it on the water until 8PM.

          I’d also check out the ICA, not sure when they close but that could be fun as well.

    2. I had fun doing a Boston ghost tour a few years ago! Although now that I think about it, it may have been in the fall, closer to Halloween… but if it does run in the summer, I bet it would be in the evening.

       1. I live here and I keep meaning to do one of those! I hope that if they’re being run in the summer, they have at least some tours that happen after dusk. I went on a Jack the Ripper tour in London last year, and the last tour of the evening was still during daylight hours, so it wasn’t very creepy.

25. I have the option of moving into a regular cubicle where the desk space is standard height for a chair, or another cubicle where all of the desk spce is standing height. The sitting desk cubicle has a keyboard surface that can raise, converting it to sort of a standing desk if you crouch down a little. The sitting cubicle is a little quieter. I am looking to drop a few pounds before getting pregnant, hopefully soon. Which one should I choose?

    1. Are you saying that one of the options does not have enough space your you to sit? 1) I don’t think that meets safety standards, please talk to your HR and 2) you will greatly regret a standing desk only option when pregnant.

       1. Both cubicle options are fairly spacious and have plenty of room for chairs, etc. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

    2. The sitting cubicle with a standing desk conversion – if the current keyboard set up doesn’t quite work, see if it can be converted/adjusted.

    3. In my old cube, I had a desk that could convert to standing, and I found that I used it much less than I thought I would. Standing while trying to work just never took for me, and a walk break does more for me than standing all the time.

    4. A standing desk isn’t really going to help you lose weight, if that’s your only concern.

26. Does anyone have tips for taking impromptu headshots that don’t look terrible? I’m supposed to take a picture of a new employee for our newsletter later today and I don’t want her first introduction to the rest of the company to look awful. My phone has a really good camera, but is there anything I should do beyond “stand here and smile!” I was thinking maybe stepping outside for better lighting?
    P.S. I did ask if she had a photo she’d like me to use, but she said she’d prefer to take one.

    1. Unless it’s cloudy or you can get outside in the very late afternoon, you might be better off inside. Mid-day sunlight is harsh and not flattering at all.

       1. If new employee is darker skinned, make sure there is a light facing the face, if pale, low lighting on the face or indirect light. The goal of this tip is to avoid overexposure or losing the facial features of the employee. Other guidance for employee:

          Look as put together as they feel comfortable and generally one step above how they would normally come to work
          Hair off face if possible so people can recognize new employee easily

    2. Don’t make employees have to have their picture in a newsletter. I realize that ship has probably sailed and it’s what your company does but as someone who is not at all photogenic it really makes me feel awful whenever I’m required to share a photo like this. (And to clarify this is not silly self consciousness – multiple people have confirmed photos don’t do me any favors – in fact I’ve taken one good photo in my life and I know which one it is because everyone agrees it is the one shockingly good photo. It’s not some underlying insecurity about looks – just unnecessary photos.) The fact that she doesn’t have a readily available photo in the age of selfies makes me suspect she is at least a little like me. Please don’t make her intro to her new colleagues be some awful iPhone photo.

       If people want to know what I look like they can stop by and meet me in person. Why start off your new job with such a silly exercise. That said I probably wouldn’t know how to say no if it were my first day and I’d just be uncomfortable for the rest of the day and probably however long the newsletter stuck around.

       1. That’s just ridiculous

          1. No more ridiculous than requiring a photo in a newsletter (which op later said she could opt out of and that obviously changes things).

       2. I don’t think this is helpful. It sounds like she’s been assigned to take the photo, and she can’t really not do her job.

          1. based on the question she’s not a professional photographer. It’s fair game for her to provide the option to not have it. It’s not like shes taking the security badge photo.

             1. As a marketing specialist, it’s definitely part of my job to take photos even though I’m not a “professional” photographer and I can’t just tell people “oh it’s ok you don’t have to do it” – if I’m tasked with taking headshots of people, then I have to take headshots of them. The person requesting the headshot (my boss) is not the person being photographed.

       3. I posted below, but it didn’t nest, so I’ll add it here too:

          Not having a picture at all was also an option I offered to her! Of the choices to use an existing picture, take a new picture, or just not use a picture, she picked take a new picture.

          1. Thanks for replying. My original post was not intended to be unhelpful as apparently so many people took it.

             With all the posts we get about what to wear/how to do makeup for office headshots I would have thought I was not the only one that would want to skip a day one photo but I am clearly wrong :)

             Gently, I will see myself out and thank my boss for not making me take a photo day one.

       4. Uh – I’ve got lots of pictures of me (in this selfie age) – it’s just none of them are ones I’d want to use for work. I have a headshot for work (to put in the IM program) so that people I work on a different campus than me (and can’t just stop by), or who work on the other side of campus, can put a face to a name.

          Which is to say, your rationalizing is a BIG leap based on the facts.

          1. There was no big leap. I provided my take and said it might apply to this new person. Most everyone I know falls into “I have a ton of photos, you can use one of these” or “no thanks I don’t want to use a photo”. You’re in the middle and that’s great but you’d be in the minority’s of people I know (and that’s ok I just wouldn’t assume most people are like that).

       5. On the flip side, I like photos so I would never turn down the opportunity to have my picture taken. I wouldn’t infer she hates being photographed just because she wanted OP to take her picture instead of providing one.

    3. If this is something you are going to have to do often, I would suggest that your office get a real camera. Cell phone cameras are just not as good as a mid-level camera.

       In terms of what you can do today, some ideas are:
       – pick a not busy background
       – take the picture either both standing if you are the same height or with her sitting and you standing (if you are short, she needs to sit. It is near impossible to take a good picture with an upward view)
       – take the picture slightly larger then needed and then crop as desired
       – take a lot of pictures, both after saying stand here and smile and a few seconds later. Some people do better knowing the photo is coming, some do better without the pressure

    4. Check whether she prefers her photos taken from profile/side or straight and then follow her lead. I myself find pictures with a 3/4 turned body and then looking slightly over ones shoulder at the camera (potentially with crossed arms at abs level) work best. Ask the person to stand against a neutral, single-color background. Use natural light. Take one shot with a closed-mouth smile and one open-mouth smile (showing some teeth). If possible, lightly touch up the picture.
       Also, some lipstick and cheek color make wonders.
       Ask the person to choose the final picture.

27. What is the oldest wardrobe item in your closet? How often do you look at the ‘oldies, but goodies’ in your closet and decide it’s finally time to let them go? I’m referring to the tried and true items that wear like iron, and are good quality.

    Mine is a silk shell from 2004, which is now on the tighter side due to age/ washing. I usually replace most ‘everyday’ items (dressier skirts/dresses not as much), every one to three years. Lately, I feel that the wardrobe churn has been much, yet I’m replacing higher quality things with not as high quality versions. Like the silk shell…I am thinking of finally letting it go, but I know it may take time to find a new version I like. Until then, I have other shells in a lightweight Polly, easier to wash, but not the same. I’ve been buying lots of useful, but not great quality items for now, because I can’t find the the size or type in a better version. I feel a bit of guilt about this because I know it will wear out sooner, and because I have been letting shopping occupy lots more space than usual.

    1. I wore a J.Crew swimsuit to the pool yesterday that I know I wore on spring break in law school back in 2004.

    2. I have a few lovely things of my Mom’s that are easily ?40+ years old.

       I have my great aunt’s vintage, custom made Persian will coat that is divine and weighs like ?40lbs that is 100 years old and in perfect condition.

       And of things I have bought….. I have a few pairs of beautiful leather shoes that are 25 years old. Work pants in classic cuts that are 20 years old and still in good shape. A few silk blouses 20+ years old.

    3. I have a blazer from my very first internship in 2009. I’m actually wearing it right now, and it’s still a perfect fit and doesn’t look out of date or anything like that. Also, Banana Republic for like $80

    4. Short sleeve black silk cardigan with mother of pearl buttons from J.Crew, circa 1997. I don’t wear it often now, because I’ve largely replaced my cardigan wearing with jardigans, and was thinking of getting rid of it, but it is still soft and silky and looks fantastic.

       I have a sleeveless top from Bridge and Burn that is wearing like iron, and a button-down from Tradlands that seems like it will do the same, but I can’t figure out where to get professional pieces with that quality without spending $300 for a shirt, which I can’t afford to do.

    5. I have a few poly blouses that are beautiful ’80s hand-me-downs from an aunt – think Working Girl / Designing Women.

    6. I just realized I have an older item! A cotton crochet open work sweater that I wore on the first date with my husband. I keep it in a box of sentimental items that I no longer wear. It’s from 1995, and according to my husband, still looks good even though it’s faded black…or rather soft gray, as my husband describes it:)

    7. Um, I am wearing a pair of j crew shorts that I bought in I think 2000.

    8. In my closet? I’m temporarily living with my folks, so there’s a lot of old stuff in there! Oldest is probably my dress from 8th grade semiformal, which I’ve been meaning to get dry cleaned so I can sell it to a secondhand shop. Gonna do it any day now . . . aaaaany daaay . . .

       There’s also some stuff I’ve had since college, which also needs to be cleaned or fixed up so I can sell/donate them.

    9. I only have old shoes. The oldest piece of clothing is my wedding dress from 2000. Then a big jump to the last 5 years. My weight flucfutates. I’ve had two babies since 2000. And styles change. I try to buy things that are high quality and will last me a few years, but nothing is forever.

       I guess my second oldest piece is my A’s jersey because I only wear it a few times per year.

    10. I have my late aunt’s beautiful cashmere coat that must be 50 years old. And I have a pair of denim overalls that I embroidered all over in the summer of…what? 1976? Only bust ’em out for costume parties but they still fit!

    11. I have basic summer sun dresses that I still like and wear from ~ 2010.

28. Not having a picture at all was also an option I offered to her! Of the choices to use an existing picture, take a new picture, or just not use a picture, she picked take a new picture.

29. Does anyone have a good party snack/app recipe that doesn’t need heating or refrigeration?

    1. If you want to go retro you could make Chex mix. I followed a recipe online to make it in the crockpot once. (I think it was the 365 days of slow cooking blog.) I figured you meant heating or refrigeration for storage, not preparation.

    2. drunken tomatoes
       many recipes out there, including epicurious
       pass if alcohol is a problem, but you said “party”

30. I am traveling to a rural region for a client workshop. Since there are no restaurants there a partner invited me and another partner to his house in the region for dinner before we head to our hotel.
    Am I supposed to write a thank you note to his spouse? He is the one cooking if it makes a difference in who is the host

    1. No thank you note. Bring a host/hostess gift like wine or fancy chocolate.

    2. Why not a thank you not to both of them for hosting you in what is presumably their shared home?

       1. +1 – if it’s their shared home, they are both hosting you and I would include the partner and his spouse on the thank you note. If you can find something at the station, do!

    3. No, but I’d bring a very small gift, like a tiny box of chocolates.

    4. I’d write a Thank You to both partner and spouse, regardless of who’s doing the cooking. They’re both hosting you.

    5. Not the question, but I wonder where you are traveling. I’ve visited a lot of rural areas, and don’t know of any without any restaurants.

31. I learned of this on the train so not sure I’d find something at the station

32. Any recommendations for Las Vegas restaurants at about the $100-$150 per couple price point? Most of the guides I see online focus on either the top-top-top choices (i.e. well beyond my price point) or the budget options. Any favorites in the “entry level fine dining” price point? Appreciate any tips for a special night out.

    1. Scarpetta. And more generally the $$$ restaurants on Yelp.

    2. Any restrictions on locations?

       1. The Strip would be the easiest for us (we’re staying at the Venetian), but would Uber elsewhere for something special. Thanks for any ideas!

          1. So Vegas is spendy these days and that price range for dinner can be tough. The Hubs and I joke that standard issue Vegas lunch runs $100 for two with one drink each and dinner runs higher at a lot of places, especially if you order drinks ($13 or more each) or wine by the bottle.

             If you want the “fine dining” ambience, my suggestion is either L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon at the MGM or Bazaar Meat at the SLS.

             L’Atelier is NOT the three star, but the more casual (but chic) little sister that does smaller plates. They used to have a prix fixe pre-theater menu that ran around $50 per person, but you would have to check to see if that still is an option and be willing to dine around 5:00 pm or 6:00 p.m.

             Bazaar Meat is a Jose Andres spot at the SLS at the north end of and just off the Strip. Modern and classic Spanish and delicious. The decor is very cool and the menus and chairs are giant. This is one of my current faves in Vegas, but I am convinced it is not drawing enough of a crowd to stay open, so go now. They are running a summer 4 course prix fixe menu at $80 per person ($25 more for wine pairings) that looks delicious, or you can order ala carte. Do not miss the “Buttered Potato Puree”, which is basically butter with some potatoes thrown in. Note that you can get virtually identical potatoes at L’Atelier.

             I agree with the poster below that Bouchon also is a good choice if you order correctly (pass on the raw bar). Lovely room, classic and tasty. Another option is the pre-theater meal at Picasso in the Bellagio. The time window is narrow (probably something like 5:30 pm to 5:45 pm), but the room is gorgeous and the food well done classics.

             I would put out there that The Hubs and I used to work the Vegas lunch specials for the good deals at places we otherwise would not spring for. Estatoria Milos has a $29 lunch prix fixe that is delish (at least one of you should spring for the $10 supplement for the lamb). Joe’s Stone Crab has lunch specials that are great deals at between $30 and $40 per person, including dessert (and the pies really are very good). If you are not boycotting Bobby Flay, Mesa Grill used to be well-priced at lunch. I also agree with the poster below that Yardbird is reasonable and really good, but not a place with a “fine dining” feel.

             Last tip – my favorite place in Las Vegas is Lotus of Siam. It just reopened in a new location a few blocks west of the Strip and, unless something has changed, has the best Thai food in the U.S. It is not a fancy place, but I have eaten there many times (as in over a dozen) and every meal has been good.

             Have a great time!

             1. Awesome. Thanks for the thoughtful advice and ideas!

    3. My SO and I had a wonderful dinner at Mon Ami Gabi at Paris. We sat outside, and you can see the Bellagio fountains across the street (yes, it’s a somewhat obstructed view because you have to look through palm trees, but the fountains are super tall). I think we spent about $150 – 3 glasses of wine (one each and we shared the last), an appetizer, a salad, and two entrees. Got a free dessert because it was my birthday. It was delicious.

    4. I’m not as familiar with that end of the strip, but I like Julian Serrano for tapas at the Aria and Beauty and Essex at the Cosmopolitan. Zuma (also at the Cosmo) is also very good.

    5. Momofuku or Jaleo at the Cosmo
       Bouchon at the Venetian (I also really like Yardbird and Aquaknox there, but Yardbird is pretty casual and Aquaknox can get pricey)
       Jasmine at the Bellagio

    6. Lots of good ideas here!! May be able to try several….!
       Thanks all.

33. I just realized that my rental car reservation lists a 4PM pickup time, and my flight arrives at 11:30AM. Does anyone have experience picking up a car earlier than their listed time? Apparently updating the reservation time is consideration a”modification” and costs fees to change.

    1. It won’t matter if it’s a big airport, but if it’s a small one it may. Call the rental place directly rather than going through the corporate travel agency or whatever it is that’s charging a fee.

       1. Yep, it’s pretty much NBD. Though you may not have any luck actually getting to a human at the desk – I’ve tried and it’s a maze of Press 1s.

       2. Uh, I don’t know about that. If you booked it through a site that told you to list your pickup time and drop off time, you may be able to pick up early, but depending on your dropoff time, you may be charged an extra day of rental fees. And those may be tacked on at the current going rate, not the discount rate when you booked. Ask me how I know. (Shaking my fist at you Hotwire…)

    2. One other thing to consider is that the day starts when you pick up the car. So, if you pick up 4 hours early, that also means that you have to return 4 hours earlier. May not be a problem for you, but I have had times where I had lunch at an airport cause it was cheaper to wait an hour to pick up the car then have to pay for an extra day.

34. I’m a registered in-house attorney in California, originally barred in New York. I pay my registration fees in New York and my registration fees in California. I also fulfill all my CA CLE requirements. I practice internationally.

    According to New York, you are exempt from New York’s CLE credit requirements if you “did not practice law in New York.” I would argue that I haven’t practiced law in New York. On the other hand, my California RIHC status is predicated on my active NY license.

    Does anyone know if I’m exempt under NY CLE?

    1. Based on the facts provided here, you don’t practice law in NY.

       1. +1

    2. Why don’t you just email the proper department in NY and ask? Also, nearly every CLE provider that’s licensed for CA has a cross-license for NY, so you can kill two birds with one stone and not cause any issues in NY.

35. What are your go-to recipes for veggie dips? How about tips to dress up or make an impressive veggie tray? I’ve been tasked with bringing a veggie tray to a friend of a friend’s BBQ and want to do something besides a grab n’ go from the grocery store. I have excellent culinary skills and have time to prepare.

    1. I mean, the beauty of a veggie tray is that you don’t have to overthink it. But, here’s my tip for dressing it up: Cut the middle out of a few red peppers, and put your dip in there. Super simple, and looks pretty. I like to use a big ceramic bowl and kinda pile everything in there in clusters, along with the dip peppers. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it looks prettier than it sounds, I promise. Kind rustic-fancy.

       1. Also, almost nobody is going to ooh and ahh over the magnificent veggie tray at a BBQ. So keep it simple, is my best advice.

    2. I once served roasted asparagus with smitten kitchen’s roasted red pepper white bean dip, and it earned a few compliments.

    3. The Barefoot Contessa’s sun-dried tomato dip.

    4. I just saw a veggie-tray-like pizza on how sweet eats this morning. It looks delicious – basically a crescent roll base, a yogurt-based ranch like “sauce” – really the dip part, topped with chopped roasted veggies, served cold.

    5. I’ve been having a lot of luck serving roasted vegetable platters lately. To me they read a little more “dinner food” but are still colorful and good for a crowd. For a Memorial Day BBQ I did baby rainbow carrots, baby zucchini and baby potatoes. All roasted in olive oil with salt and pepper. I did a gorgonzola dip (Fine Cooking Cracked Pepper Gorgonzola). You could also do a basil vinaigrette, a creamy mustard sauce, or what ends up being fancy Ranch – crème fraîche/grated shallot and garlic, lemon zest, fresh dill, salt and pepper.

       You could add pattypan squash, grape/cherry tomatoes, asparagus, broccolini for more color/variety.

36. Nonono, please don’t do this. Bring a tray with cut up veggies, not a veggie pizza.

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