ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread: Reformation

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Reformation is at Nordstrom!Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Whoa: Reformation is at Nordstrom! I was excited to see that the boho, inventive brand (which I largely think of as weekend gear, but we have featured at least one suit from them over the years) is now carried at Nordstrom because I love my free, easy returns. (Reformation also offers free US shipping and easy returns but for some reason it just feels easier to return everything to one store, if that makes sense.) Nordstrom carries the pictured dress in two prints (the black one pictured and a yellow floral one); meanwhile Reformation's website has the same dress in three more prints (including a smaller black & white floral); all of the dresses are $218. Note that the slit goes pretty high — I'd probably layer a half-slip beneath it or the shorter versions of everyone's favorite Skimmies slipshorts. Carina Midi Wrap Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Just a note on the Nordstrom returns process — I have no inside knowledge on whether this is a temporary change or a permanent one, but Nordstrom seems to have recently reverted back to the older version of its returns process where you have to look up each order individually. The con to this is that the more recent returns process was easier (just a page showing individual items you'd bought recently and you could return items from multiple orders easily) — but the big pro is that if you had things that maybe weren't bought so recently you can easily get to those older orders and return things you ordered and never wore. Obviously, use your judgment when returning older things. Here are some other thoughts on returning items bought online.

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

137 Comments

  1. Nordstrom also isn’t taking returns at Nordstrom Rack stores anymore in the Chicago area as part of a “test pilot” according to my nearby Rack. Too bad as I will not be buying nearly as much now. I don’t want to wait forever for something to be credited back and risk losing it in the mail. And the Nordstrom downtown is too big of a hassle to carry a bunch of things to. Boo!

    Corporate Nordstrom if you’re listening: Bring back the Rack. You actually made money off of me then, too, as I usually ended up shopping while I was in there.

    1. You don’t mail back your returns? I’m also in Chicago and have never had issues….

      1. I do sometimes, but the Rack is often 25 minutes faster than the post office. Go with UPS or Rack, Nordstrom!

      2. The Rack charges you a $6 return fee if you mail it back. There’s no fee if you take it to the store.

    2. I do not return anything I buy from Nordstroms or L&T. It is much easier to either keep the stuff, or give them to my cleaneing lady, who’s daughter, LUZ, looks to me for dressing well with my hand-me-down’s. YAY for her! It is not nice to buy suposedly new clotheing, wear them and then try and get your money back for clotheing that has your sweat on them. FOOEY! And DOUBEL FOOEY on any of us in the hive that do this to others b/c I have bought clotheing onley to find out that there was a ring of sweat in the armpits from some woman who wore the clotheing then returned it. In those cases, I can NOT blame Nordstrom’s, but just give it away, and take a TAX deduction for it. DOUBLE YAY b/c I can get half of my money back through the IRS! But FOOEY b/c often these items are unnique and can NOT be found in the store!

    3. Kat, you are SO right! The slit on this dress is WAY TOO to high for any of us, especialy those of us with long torsoe’s, but what is worse, in the summer, the last thing we want to do is to buy a revealing dress like this (which I like!), only to have to put on another layer underneathe — even if it is onley a half-slip beneath it! FOOEY b/c we do not want to sweat, or worse yet, try and show off our l’eggs to men, onley to have them see our slip! And I would not try and tempt a man onley to have them discover I was wearing a pair of slip shorts. Those too can be to hot in the summer. If we want to go out fishing in the summer for a cute guy, Grandma Leyeh says we have to be BOTH willing and able to lure them in slowley and properley with the right bait! Personaly, I am a little shy, and do not want to do this, but I do need to get married, and this is as good a way as any to attract a man! So I will give it a try, particularley when I am out at the Hamton’s, where things happen! YAY!

  2. I am not an Old but also not in the Meghan Markle newlywed-no kids demographic. I recently developed a bad Daily Mail habit when I lunch at my desk and behold — Queen Rania and Queen Letizia.

    The both have children who can read! Queen Rania’s daughter is at Georgetown! And now I have grownup style goals :) [Seriously — everything they wear is drool-worthy. And probably not easily obtainable here (although one blog suggested that Queen Letizia wears a lot of Boss suiting, which I cannot wear b/c either I am too short or I have a too-short torso for dresses/jackets to have darts in the right places), which is either a bug (not available here) or a feature (do not have the budget of actual royalty).

    1. Check out the Royal Order of Sartorial Splendor. It covers all the European houses. Totally my guilty pleasure. Queen Max of the Netherlands is my favorite <3

      1. Go Fug Yourself also pays a lot of attention to the royals’ clothes, especially Letizia. It’s great.

        1. In my head I have knock down drag out arguments about which royal I would like to be if I could switch roles and why.

          Queen Max has had some escandalos in her past, no, and some sort of recent family tragedy? CP Mette-Marit seems like a rags-to-riches fairy tale. And OMG just no to Princess Stephanie of Monaco (although maybe she would be very fun as a neighbor; I can’t imagine she’d turn you in to the HOA for painting your house the wrong color or not mowing your grass).

          I swear I did not really appreciate that Europe still did royalty other then QE2. I thought they had all been guillotined or run out of their countries or it wasn’t a thing after WW1/Napoleon/Franz Ferdinand/etc.

          1. I like CP Mary of Denmark and Princess Marie as well. The Swedish ones I don’t know a lot about but enjoy them.

  3. Moving into a bigger house. Need to buy some rugs and lamps. Where to shop online? Prefer a fairly traditional aesthetic. Budget is modest (ie no RH, probably also no PB or C&B). Thanks for any leads!

    1. All of the rugs in our house are from Wayfair – free shipping FTW. There’s a range of quality (and prices to match) but the reviews are super helpful and we were able to pick 100% winners.

      1. +1 to Wayfair. They’re rumning a 4th of july sale, plus there’s usually 10% off your first order.

    2. Online is hard bc you can’t tell color, size, and scale. HomeGoods/TJ Maxx are best for in person. If you need to do online, Rugs USA and Wayfair are good.

    3. West Elm and CB2 are a little cheaper. At West Elm you can usually get at least 20% off or more. Also, Home Depot and Lowe’s have decent lighting.

    4. Honestly buying older Persian rugs that are not collectors items has been great for me. Look online. I usually search Persian tribal rug _x_ (size) and can find reasonably priced hand made 100% wool rugs pretty fast.

    5. I’ve had great luck with Overstock rugs, particularly the Safieh line – best tip I got here was order the smallest size (usually 2×3) as a sample before investing in a giant rug to see if you like it. I’ve gotten a ton of shag & morrocan style rugs as large as 11×14 for a few hundred dollars on Overstock (Wayfair sells a lot of the same things too, I just use Overstock for their points system).

    6. I have bought several rugs online and had the best luck at Overstock and Rugs Direct. ( A caveat with Rugs Direct that I ordered a couple that turned out to be out of stock, but I wasn’t notified; I ended up finding the same item elsewhere.) I also found a really great one at Lowe’s a few years ago, but the big-box stores and Home Goods tend to have much smaller selections.

    7. Target carries a lot of rugs made by other brands, but still discounts them when they do one of their periodic sales, plus you can return in store. See if they have anything you like and then wait for a sale.

    8. Not sure why my first reply got eaten, sorry if it’s a duplicate. I have bought several rugs from Overstock and Rugs Direct, with good results. I also bought a really nice one at Lowe’s, although I find the selection at the big hardware stores and at HomeGoods/TJ Maxx to be limited.

    9. Check out your local furniture stores! In my area, many of them tend to have more traditional furnishings and carry items at a range of price points.

    10. We discovered our local carpet store will create custom sized area rugs from any carpet roll they stock. The cost was significantly less than Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, etc. we got a massive 13 x 15 rug for about $950.

  4. I’ve been meaning to post this for a few days but I keep forgetting. There were a few discussions in the past week or so about how to take your mind off of politics/how not to get really down from it/how not to dwell on it. The thing that helps me the absolute most is doing something that requires absolute concentration. For me, that’s rock climbing. It’s almost meditative because I am forced to focus on staying on the wall and progressing up the route. There is no room in my brain to think of anything else and I’m certainly not doing it with my phone in my hand either. I imagine you could get the same effect through painting or something like that, but the trick is that it has to require active concentration. I don’t get the same effect at all when I’m on a walk or cleaning the house or anything like that.

    2. So, during Trump’s presidency (though not because of it), I took a 50% pay cut and switched into a non-profit job serving low-income people who are in very difficult situations. It’s very demanding work, and I make under $45k, but I love it. One unexpected consequence has been that I feel so much less angst about the world, or guilt about not doing enough. In the big picture, things are still totally f’ed, but now I feel literally every day that I personally am doing what I need to be doing. I feel no guilt taking weekends completely for self-care, or tuning out of news stories I can’t handle. I feel like I do my time every week combating hopelessness, and so my time and my money outside of that are mine to enjoy, no strings attached.

      Just throwing this out in case anyone feels ready for an out-of-the-box idea…

    3. I am rewatching Scrubs currently. Most of the jokes have aged pretty well, I was surprised.

      1. Yes! So excited that it’s back on Comedy Central as well as Netflix. Guy love forever!

    4. I just started Pure Barre, and the website doesn’t lie, it can absolutely help clear your mind! And when it’s getting hot outside, these studios are nice and air conditioned.

  5. Anyone want to do vicarious shopping? We have a wedding next June 1 and I wanted to steer clear of a dress, so I bought this suit from WHBM: https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/Petite-Classic-Blazer/570233853?color=1943&CMP=csc_goog_pla&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3t-_vsr52wIVSp7ACh0Mlgg7EAQYASABEgKKa_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    I was hoping to have it read “I’m not at work” with some sexier heels and blouse, but I’m coming up short on the shirt, which I wanted to buy before I choose shoes– I was thinking either a low, loose neckline, which I think I can get away with since I’m quite flat-chested post-kids, or some kind of… classy bustier? Does anyone make such a thing? Or other structured strapless shirt, but I would want it to be long enough to tuck into the pants. Any ideas? Looking to spend less than $50 if possible, and totally willing to Ebay or Poshmark it. I’m 5′ and about 125 lbs, usually size 6 or S in shirts.

    1. What about some kind of strappy camisole from Express?

      Also, am I reading this right that the event is almost a year away? I’m in awe of your advanced planning :)

    5. It IS almost a year away… I mostly wanted an excuse to buy the suit, my work is definitely the casual side of business caz. Thanks for the suggestions! I forgot Express existed after college…

  6. Does CB2 ever offer coupons? I have my eye on something, but not sure if they offer coupons periodically like West Elm.

    1. Sometimes I get them in catalogs mailed to my house, but their coupons are not as frequent.

  7. I got my cast off this morning, so I’m no longer using crutches! I am mobile on my own two feet again. (Albeit, in a walking boot, but still!)

  8. I just wanted to say that its perfectly okay to not be happy in a professional faculty or in a profession. I think we really encourage people to not drop out or to stick with it or to try another area and sometimes it’s good to listen to people who have decided that they want out and tell them that is valid.

    I’ve really encouraged people to stick with law school and being a lawyer over the years and I’m starting to realize that it was the wrong approach and also really not listening to people who were genuinely unhappy.

    2. I try to get to people before law school and give the advice I wish I had received, “you only need to go to law school if you want to be a lawyer. figure out what being a lawyer means, and if you still want to do it, go to law school. if you don’t want to do that, then don’t go to law school.”

      1. I do this too, but I really think it is so hard to understand what being a lawyer truly means until you are doing it. Especially, as there are so many variables in what you end up practicing, type of firm/organization, firm/in-house, etc. I honestly don’t know more than a few classmates from law school who enjoy being lawyers at this point. I stopped practicing and went down a path that utilizes my legal training, but never again will I be in an attorney position (on purpose). I encourage my students to think about alternative career paths and make sure they know it’s 100% OKAY to not practice law if they find something else that they enjoy! I don’t teach them until they are 3Ls, so by then it’s too late to tell them not to go to school, so my goal is to make sure they know they aren’t failures if they don’t practice law after going to law school.

        My tipping point was two jobs that wrecked my mental and physical health, as well as my confidence. I took a step back from the law, putzed around with several other types of jobs, honed in on what I liked to do and which would also allow me to pay my student loans, and was fortunate enough that I could putz around until I found something that fit that description. Obviously, I am very fortunate in that regard. I know that very few people have that luxury, but it was 100% worth it. I don’t feel any less than my classmates for not practicing. I am really good at what I do now, I have a great quality of life, enough money to pay my loans and take part in activities I enjoy doing.

  9. I currently have two pairs of Rothy’s loafers. I love them. I wear them all the time – work and personal life. My office is casual enough that I could get away with any of the styles in any of the colors/patterns here.

    I have two more pairs in my shopping basket on the site – pointed style, which I trends more “formal” than the loafer IMO. I can afford them, but I don’t really need them. I am trying to justify it to myself because I will truly wear them all the time and have, for the last year or so, been trying to buy higher quality, longer lasting items to fill a clothing/wardrobe need instead of buying cheap things that don’t last.

    This is of course, not something I NEED. I have shoes, but I know any new pairs will go right into rotation and will get worn. Pull the trigger or no?

    And yes, I realize this is an upper middle class first world of all first world problems, but this is a fashion blog right?!?!

    1. I’m probably an enabler, but when I find something I like, I buy multiples. Particularly when it’s something I use/wear often. I have three pairs of Tory Burch flats in different colors (so same price range as the Rothys). I wear them way more than any other flats I own bc I know I like them.

    3. Very timely post, as I wear my Rothys flats all the time and have contemplated getting a second pair. My only hesitation is I’ve only had the first pair about 2 months, so I don’t know how well they will hold up long-term (I am hard on shoes). But if you’ve been happy with them for a while, why not?

      1. I am SUPER hard on shoes too and have been really happy with how they have held up so far, granted it’s been less than a year. I wash them, wear them to the barn, have walked around Europe in them, stub my toes in them, jack them on the sidewalk curbs, etc., and they still look fine. I trust that when the company says they build/design them to last, they mean it. Based on the fact that they have taken trash and repurposed it and using a production method that reduces waste, I think they mean it when they say they should last a while, but we’ll see!

    4. Are Rothys stretchy? My big toe always gets pinched/rubbed by pointed flats, I’m wondering if these would be more comfortable.

      1. Hmm, I haven’t found them to be stretchy, but they are super crazy comfortable. The shell of the shoe is very flexible, so it seems like there wouldn’t be much to rub against? If you’re a size 8 and want to buy a pair to try, I will buy them off of you if you hate them!! LOL

  10. Does anyone use OneNote/OneDrive to work on documents collaboratively?

    I am trying to bring my team into the 21st century, reduce the non-value add work we do, and create efficiencies. Currently, we circulate documents for review and comment to internal stakeholders via email. This results in multiple email chains and having to take the comments in all of those chains and input them into the document at the end. It’s a time suck. I want this process to occur on OneDrive so that changes happen in real time and there are not multiple versions of a document that need to be combined at the end of the stakeholder review period.

    Does anyone have any experience with this? Tips and tricks? TIA.

    1. I currently work with a non profit where someone demanded everyone use slack to stay organized. Very dramatic. Despite being a group of young technologically literate people many refused to even try it.

      I could see things easier in a workplace setting where there is less choice and ability to say no.

    2. I use OneDrive to sync between different computers that I use. As cloud services go, I found it somehow more difficult to set up than google and dropbox. Dropbox has annoying notifications, but you can turn them off (writing this just made me finally uncheck those boxes). I’m most happy with google, but they all can do what you want done.
      Be warned though, you will be surprised at resistance and lack of tech-savvy from coworkers who you thought wouldn’t be a problem.

    3. response in mod, but I agree the biggest obstacle is not the software, but the users.

    4. Yes! I personally love OneNote. However, the downside is coworkers who are not familiar with it and have a tendency to accidentally delete things. I honestly don’t know how they do it. Entire tabs go missing. It is useful for everyone being able to see everything, though.

      1. Oh, the other annoying this is our IT department is also not familiar with it, so if there’s an issue, it involves a lot of internet trouble shooting.

    5. Thanks, all! I agree that generally, it’s a user issue not a software issue. My team has already met and had a demo and, to my surprise, some of my team was already using them! Everyone was very open to it to for collaboration and it has been pushed down from my boss’s boss, who will be using it as well.

      But, to everyone’s point, it’s going to be the users outside of our group that will likely be the bigger roadblocks. However, I am also in charge of creating new policies/procedures around the contract administration policy and have been given the green light to incorporate the use of this in those policies. I am sure there will be grumbling, but I am in a good position in the sense that I have enough power to say, oh you don’t want to do it this way? Then your document sits while I work on the other documents.

      I was hoping people would be able to provide best practices for setting up team pages – I already have a SharePoint site for the team and am in the process of creating a OneNote team Notebook.

      1. Make sure your IT department pushes enough bandwidth to your multi-user library in SharePoint or the edits may be painfully slow. OneNote might be better than Excel though. Excel could be painful in our under-resourced library.

        1. I’ve never seen shared editing work with Exel, but it’s great with word. I use OneNote to organize and keep track of stuff – including links to OneDrive docs where edit have tracked changes and versions are saved. Shared editing in OneNote isn’t very clean

  11. After some sad life events some of you guys followed along, I am happy to report I started a new job, moving this weekend into a new flat, signed up to a gym and decided this is the time to start over on the right foot.
    I am in the lucky position to have a completely empty fridge and pantry to stock up.
    Any recommendations for webslts or bl0gs with hearty easy recipes? I will not morph into a domestic goddess but I want to cook as much as possible to save money without giving up quality.
    I will be making all my weekday meals: breakfast and dinner at home, packable lunch, snacks.
    I am buying all organic things but don’t restrict any food groups except pig.

    1. My favorite food/cooking blog is Budget Bytes. She has some pretty simple, straight-forward recipes and I haven’t been disappointed with a single thing that I have made.

    2. Good luck with all of these changes! Exciting!

      Smitten Kitchen and Pinch of Yum are two of my go-to sources for recipe inspiration. I will say, though, that I think Smitten Kitchen’s recipes tend to be a bit too labor intensive for me for a weeknight, so I tend to gravitate towards her recipes for a weekend / leftovers. If you have access to NYT Cooking, I have found some great items on there too.

    3. I really like Food52. Not every recipe they feature is necessarily easy, but they share options across a wide range of skill levels, along with articles that often have good ideas and useful advice.

    4. D@mn Delicious is my go-to for easy, veggie-heavy recipes. She has a cauliflower chowder that I’ve posted about on here before- sounds weird, but weeknight easy and super delicious!
      Also check out her broccoli quinoa mac & cheese.

    5. Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll be doing some light Sunday meal prep combined with weeknight cooking

    6. Skinny Taste – she lists the calories (or weight watcher points if that’s your thing) but are generally really good, healthy and easy.

      1. Agreed. And if it’s something where I think it won’t be enough calories to fill me up, I usually just add cheese.

    7. A Couple Cooks. A lot of their recipes are easy to put together and great for leftovers to take for lunch.

    8. I love Annie’s Eats. She is a doctor, has 2 kids, and runs a food blog full of content. #lifegoals

    9. I like 100 Days of Real Food. Many recipes are simple enough for weeknights, and I love her oatmeal breakfast cookies and various muffins to cook on the weekends to eat for breakfast throughout the week.

  12. Rugsusa . Com is my go to rug site and shades of light is my go to lighting for hard wired lights. I’ve had good luck at target and world market for lamps.

  13. I need help with something slightly catty. Each week, I get no less than 4 emails from my contract company reminding me to submit my time sheet. They arrive in my gmail account, which is blocked on our work laptops by the parent company. I want to set up auto-replies to these annoying reminders, but I don’t see a way to do that in the gmail app. Does anyone know how to do this? I guess I could forward them to Outlook and set up a rule there, but I was looking for a way to do it from the gmail app itself. TIA

    1. the app doesn’t let you set up filters. You have to go through the desktop view (which you could do through your phone browser, but probably easier from a real computer screen).

    2. what is the point of replying anyway? I mean, I get that’s annoying, but I doubt they’re singling you out for this treatment.

      1. +1 Why not just set a reminder to yourself to enter your time, and then set a filter to automatically delete these emails, so you never have to see them again?

    3. Just set up a filter not to see them. An auto-reply specifically for those is going to come across as really out of touch and unprofessional.

  14. Any suggestions on fun indoor activities in DC to take my mother in law and my two kids, ages 3 and 5? MIL is visiting and I’m looking for something to do tomorrow. It’s going to be extremely hot, so I was thinking something indoors. Clearly the Smithsonian museums are a default, but it’s a hassle to get downtown on weekends and I’d love to stay a bit closer in to where I live (northwest DC).

    Any ideas? MIL loves nature, gardens, flowers — any indoor venues that fit that bill? Something in Montgomery County works too.

    1. Not that much closer, but the building museum is a favorite of mine, since the kids can run around in the atrium

    4. Yay! Open Threads! I love open threads and Nordstrom’s, where I will be all next week after I get back from the Hamtons and go to Weschester with Rosa and the kids for the 4th of July! YAY!!!!!!

      If you are in DC, you can go to Georgetown and walk around the toe path! Kids love that place but you need to watch where you step. I think it is called the toe path because you have to go tippie toes to avoid the poopie and other stuff that is there, but kids are good at that (I am not). It is also cooler there b/c of the trees so it may be hot in the sun, but NOT on the toe path! Good luck to you. I don’t have a MIL, yet, but hope that when I do that she will NOT be a schrew! FOOEY if she is!

    5. There’s a conservatory at the US Botanical Garden, but no idea what kind of climate control is in place. Usually there are auto humidity and temperature controls in those kinds of places.

  15. I thought some of the conversation about trauma on Thursday’s Workwear post in which the OP’s sister had gone through a horrible divorce and seemed to be having difficulty recovering from it was interesting but didn’t want to derail the thread.

    The idea of not being able to recover from traumatic events really hits home for me as I developed an illness, which likely is the result of childhood trauma/chronic stress, in spite of otherwise functioning well (educated, employed, no addictions, happily married, etc.). My Dr. tells me not to let my medical condition discourage me from doing anything BUT also that I’m always going to face consequences/have difficulties/have distorted thinking/be weak as a result of trauma. I don’t even know what to do with the latter idea. (His purpose in telling me that is to convince me to get more therapy.)

    This “you’re always going to be damaged because of trauma” message is really upsetting me though. I just want to throw myself into the good things in my life, and I believe life beyond my childhood has healed me a lot. I see other people in my life caught up on events and not moving forward, and I don’t want to rehash my past and get similarly stuck … What do you think? Is this naive? Ironically, this “you’re so damaged” business is kind of keeping me from moving forward because I’m … waiting to get better (diagnosis is fairly recent but condition is fully managed)? I think I’d be better served with some confidence that I’m OK.

    I’m basically interested in thoughts/experiences on healing from trauma. What really helps? Any reading suggestions would be great.

    1. Mine was resolved almost entirely by way of surrounding myself with an incredible community who stand-in as my family (I still talk to my family, just not closely) and my faith. Please note that this is not the way for everyone, but it has been my way. I also did a couple of counseling seasons geared towards bio-feedback and learning coping skills (I didn’t grow up learning any–you just suppressed everything and never said anything ever about anything).

      Prayer and meditation, as well as books in that vein (Present Over Perfect, Chasing Slow, etc.) and a small group at my church have made a huge difference in teaching me that community and “family” are needed and can heal a lot of the hurts that happened from childhood trauma–things as simple as trusting people and having people love on you because you are a part of their life, etc. The biggest differences in my journey came after I made the decision that I could not keep rehashing the bad things that had happened and how little control I had over them–and most importantly, that no one could steal my joy. The two books I mentioned were key on this because my unhealthy coping skills were basically being “perfect” all the time and I was rushing through life missing it all along the way because I needed to be in control of everything, all the time.

      Every day is different and some days I revert to being irrationally angry (usually due to some small trigger) and I use my coping skills and mechanism to handle it. You can be so incredibly happy and “whole,” you just gotta find what gets you there and encourage yourself that it is worth doing.

    2. I worked in trauma based therapy briefly.
      Our setting involved violence-based trauma so ymmv, but these are the books I suggest as foundational and that we suggested to all clinicians and clients who wanted additional resources:
      -Seeking Safety (addiction focused but very basic and workable)
      -Trauma and Recovery (more academic than a self-help workbook but gives a great overview)
      Additionally, just about any good self-help book about family issues, childhood issues, learning how to self-heal or how to love healthily will usually have a section with good thinking/writing exercises on childhood and trauma to get you started. I personally recommend looking for books by people with LCSW certification and who have not been on TV or sought fame otherwise. Set aside time to read and write, and try to do the exercises slowly.

      You may find after starting a book or workbook that you are the type who wants to work through this completely on your own, or you may find you need a partner in a therapist. Don’t be surprised if memories come up that were “forgotten,” and, especially if you are doing this on your own, have a plan in place before reading and writing in case they get overwhelming (i.e. supplies for a bubble bath, or tentative movie plans with a significant other.) Create as safe a space in your life to explore this as possible, knowing that you set the limits on how deep you can delve and in what time frame. Exploring trauma can take time and there is no benefit to forcing yourself to rush.

      If you would like a therapist, know that trauma based therapists are becoming more common, and also that a good therapist will let YOU dictate therapy and what your goals are.

      One method I’ve seen as really helpful is a combo self-help and therapy-help: a person does a few initial sessions with a therapist to create a relationship and groundwork, then do exercises on their own, and come in as needed or with less frequency than people might expect (once or twice a month.) This makes therapy less daunting and for some makes it much easier to follow through.

      Finally, the unfortunate truth is that studies have proven that childhood trauma can have physical impacts on survivors and is a life-long health risk. There may be a grain of truth in your doctor’s opinion. However, risk factors are not definite life sentences, and you would be right in feeling hopeful and proactive rather than “damaged.”

    3. How old are you, and how much therapy and counseling have you had?

      If your doctor is telling you this when you’re 26 and have just barely come through this childhood setting (and yes, 20s are still pretty soon to be recognizing and beginning to process childhood trauma), then I fully get it. He’s trying to get you to see how this has affected you.

      If you’re 56 and you’ve had years and years of therapy and he’s telling you this …then I’d want to push back some.

    4. I am a strong believer that the narrative that traumatic events leave you forever damaged is super, super harmful. Terrible things may leave you forever *changed*, but changed is not the same thing as *damaged.* Damaged suggests the person you are now is somehow lesser than the person you were before this experience – and that’s wrong. You may have scars, but those scars are signs that you survived.

      I have been through some things, and the book that speaks to me the most strongly is Alice Sebold’s “Lucky,” which is a memoir about her r*pe and her life afterward. It contains this line: “We save ourselves, or we remain unsaved.”

      Has your trauma changed your life? Yes. Has it made you less? No. Emphatically no. Embrace those good things. Go after them. Do it *now,* not in some imaginary future time. Your past doesn’t own you. You’re the captain of this ship.

      1. SO MUCH THIS. I have been raped and sexually assaulted both as a minor and an adult, been through two accidents which were traumatic which left my body physically damaged permanently, and have dealt with anxiety and depression all of my adult life. There is nothing about me that is damaged. I went through a lot of therapy (and still go on an as needed basis a couple times a year), got on the right depression meds, learned coping techniques that worked for me, and honestly, I feel better than ever.

        A lot of the through was HARD, but the other side of the hard stuff has been really great. I am not going to sit here and tell you that it won’t pop up throughout your life, but I will tell you that with hard work, you will be able to deal with anything that comes your way and what anyone else says be damned!

    5. I’m no expert on trauma, but I agree that the narrative that you’re forever damaged seems really harmful. I have heard anecdotally in my line of work that when mental health professionals treat severe trauma in countries where there is a shortage of mental health care, survivors often question the focus on endlessly rehashing trauma rather than on learning new skills to build a new life after trauma. I think there needs to be more focus on strength and resilience to get through trauma, but I’m not sure how best it’s actually done.

    7. “My Dr. tells me not to let my medical condition discourage me from doing anything BUT also that I’m always going to face consequences/have difficulties/have distorted thinking/be weak as a result of trauma. I don’t even know what to do with the latter idea. (His purpose in telling me that is to convince me to get more therapy.)”

      First, I have had doctors say awful things. Some of them have the empathy of a brick. Some of them are ignorant about areas outside of their field (for example, a gastroenterologist talking to you about your mental health). Some of them actually mean well, but maybe their poor word choice got in the way. And sometimes they actually say a reasonable thing, but we hear it differently because for us…. it is so jarring.

      While I don’t know if the words you posted are exactly what your doctor said, it seems clear that the purpose was to tell you that you aren’t in a good place yet, and you would benefit from more therapy until you can get to a better place or your past experiences will continue to impact your life in profound ways. That doesn’t sound hopeless to me. That may actually be good advice.

      None of us are ever “the same” after any traumatic experience in our life. How can we be? Would we really want to be? But many of us can move past our trauma, become functional, loving, and even trusting people again. It just may take work, and we may have to modify our environment, continue with therapy/exercise/stress reduction approaches to life. Sometimes it may mean more therapy or medication. But unfortunately, trying to suppress it and “hide” in the good things of our current lives is often not enough. In fact, I have seen people get worse in this setting. You can’t simply “move past it”. You have to deal with it.

      “Damaged” is never a word a doctor should use, as it has such negative connotations. That appears to be your word choice, that you use repeatedly, and also tells me that you need to talk this through with someone. Because yes… all of us are different after any profound experience in our life…. bad or good. It is ultimately up to us to make the choice about how to address those changes, and ultimately try to move past them if they are interfering with our function. Isn’t that good if a doctor acknowledges this, and from their experience, encourages us to do something that might help? Often doctors have seen many people who have had similar histories/symptoms/experiences. We have only seen ourselves. And although we think we know ourselves well, it is amazing how much we try to fool ourselves.

      So you are being naive. It is not enough to just throw yourself into the present. You absolutely can get past this. But it will always be part of you. And ultimately, it will make you a better and more empathic person than those very, very few people who seem to waltz through life and have no idea how much most of us struggle around them.

    8. I think it’s less that you’re “broken” (ugh, I hate that word) and more that you’re going to experience both some profound disjunctures AND a lot of continuities because of your new condition. Mostly, it’s a question of recalibration, which is a process and one for which therapy is a valuable tool. It might also help to put together a list of things you want to do, and when you work on those, practice brainstorming how you would do them in ways that accommodate your new diagnosis. I really would recommend therapy, though; it can be a godsend, even when you think you don’t need it. Best of luck!

    9. Try reading “the body keeps the score”
      I read it recently, and thought it was enlightening – I am surely not as damaged as some of the cases he uses, but I found it helpful in terms of perspectivising and possibly handling childhood trauma.
      Other than that, I choose a long time age to reject the victim label because I did not want it to define me. I still have to – or think I have to – accomodate myself in some ways that I might not have needed to, mostly related to managing energy and amount of, as well as types of commitments/activities.

  16. Good foodie recommendations for restaurants in London? Staying in Fitzrovia/Soho, but willing to travel anywhere tube-accessible. Looking for slightly off-beat/things I can’t just get a million versions of everywhere. Thanks!

        1. Thanks to both of you! Great idea. Love that cookbook, so this sounds great.

    2. Anything recomended in “Cheese en biscuits” blog is worthy, he has a tube map where the name stops are the name of the best place around. If you like Ottolenghi you maybe like Moro in Exmouth market st. The whole street is a gold mine for foodies. But if you are in England I would recomend you something local that you cannot find in other place as St Jhon or the more informal branch St Jhon bread & wine. They do old english recipes with a twist.

      https://www.facebook.com/cheesenbiscuits/
      https://moro.co.uk/
      https://stjohnrestaurant.com/a/restaurants/bread-and-wine

      1. +1 to Moro! I recommended Nopi above. Struggled to recall/find the name of my other recommendation on Friday, but it is Moro! And there are cute shops around it, too, as I remember.

        In my search I found that Time Out put out their best restaurants just in June, so I would use that as a good resource, as well.

  17. I have to know if this bothers anyone else because I feel like it happens all of the time here. When someone responds to a post and starts their sentence with “Kindly” or “Gently,” does it come off as a little condescending to anyone else? I almost always feel like the statement would be better (and definitely less patronizing) without the disclaimer at the beginning.

    1. Oh, I have the opposite reaction — to me it sounds like “I know tone is hard to convey but I really mean this kindly.”

    2. It’s super hard to convey tone, but I also read it as somebody really trying to be kind or gentle. But then I try to presume good intentions so I give the benefit of the doubt.

      1. That’s kind of the point, though. I generally assume everyone is speaking kindly and gently on here unless it is blatantly obvious they’re not. Often an unnecessary “kindly” or “gently” serves to make a completely inoffensive statement seem worse or imply the responding poster thinks the OP can’t handle a direct statement.

        Anyhow. I was just curious if others felt the same.

    3. I’ve used this phrasing before and I can promise it wasn’t intended to be condescending. How many times have we had people get upset when someone can’t discern tone in a response? This is one of these things where you really can’t win.

    4. It’s really hard to interpret tone on the internet and also people get pretty defensive! Sometimes when people ask for advice, the actual content of the advice can sound like an attack, even if it’s meant with the best of intentions. I think using ‘kindly’ or ‘gently’ helps convey those good intentions. (And if you don’t want people giving you actual advice that you might not want to hear, don’t ask your question to internet strangers.)

    5. I, too, have used this phrase, and it’s always because I really am speaking gently, and I wish I was saying it in person so the OP would understand that I wasn’t being harsh or snarky. Usually there is a lot of compassion in what I’m trying to say.

    6. Yes, it drives me crazy and sounds soooo condescending (although I don’t think that’s the intent). Similar to how saying “with all due respect” can read worse than just not saying it and just using respectful language.

    8. I feel the same way, and also often wonder if the people calling others honey are trying to be condescending

      1. I’ve always assumed the “sweetie” and “honey” comments are from a troll; the language usage in those comments seems designed to inflame.

  18. I know a lot of people here have been talking about how to balance staying informed with not becoming totally demoralized, and here’s a thread on that very topic from a former CIA analyst who dealt with depressing material all day that you might find helpful: https://twitter.com/CindyOtis_/status/1012488916178436096

    Her third tip (“RESEARCH BEFORE PANICKING. Easier said than done, but everything will seem like crisis/earth-ending if you don’t know what has/hasn’t happened before”) seems especially important to me and I would appreciate your recommendations for resources to put news in historical context (recent and long-term).

  19. Would anyone like to share their recs for this season’s best white tees that have a little bit of style (for weekend wear, not for work) and aren’t sheer? Thank you. In return, I will share that the Lulu Enlite bra is the best sports bra I have ever encountered (for small band size, large cup size). It’s hard to get on, but amazing in every way.

    1. I may be the only one here but I really like Z Supply. I got a few during ShopBop’s last sale for (no kidding) about $10 each. They’re great if you can find them for less than the retail.

    2. I bought an Ellen Tracy tee on Amazon that I really like. It’s split neck with elbow length sleeves. It is definitely vanity sized and the S fit more like M but I love the style and the supersoft material and don’t mind wearing it a little loose. Thick opaque material that is still soft and breathable.

    3. It’s hard to beat American Giant for basic white t shirts (and, of course, hoodies).

    4. I love the modern fit GAP white t-shirt. It was recommended to me on here when I asked about them a month ago. I prefer the v-neck, but they sell out so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if they aren’t there now. Keep watching for them.

      Opaque, more fitted but stretchy, substantial and very soft. So flattering. Long.

      I don’t need any more “tissue weight”, wide/sloppy cut, see-through, cut to my b00bs T shirts. These are grown-up, and very flattering.

      I’ve already bought 3 in white, and one in black and navy.

  20. Does anyone have recommendations for a physically small camera that takes good pictures? I’m looking for something that will be a step up from iPhone X but is smaller than a DSLR. I’m a serious amateur photographer and used to take my DSLR with me everywhere, but now that I have a baby it’s just not practical (especially when we’re flying, because there’s so much baby stuff to carry with us).

    1. If you have a solid budget, try looking at the Sony A7R iii. I upgraded my old Canon DSLR to the Sony and it is exceptional, especially with kids.

    2. I use a Canon Powershot. Not quite a DSLR but very close in terms of picture quality and much, much smaller.

    3. Canon G7x Mark II. Small, compact, takes amazing pictures. It also has built in wifi so you can upload photos to your iPhone directly from it or shoot remotely with your iPhone.

  23. Small celebration!

    Sometimes you get a dud on eBay… But when you get a black St John caviar blazer (with black buttons!) for less than $100 and it’s friggin perfect, it makes it all worthwhile.

    At this point, not sure how I’ve ever lived without a St John blazer. Will jade all future blazers I purchase.

    1. I got a St John Sport cardigan on Poshmark for like $50 and it’s like one of my favorite articles of clothing. It’s so simple and unassuming, yet it goes perfectly with almost everything, is the perfect weight, doesn’t hold wrinkles… I guess those Ladies Who Lunch know what they’re doing clothing-wise!

  25. Alert: the DC MM.lafleur sample sale (ends today) is 60% off AND BOGO. I got a wool sweater, top, and two Lydia dresses for $194.

  26. Can anyone recommend a toenail polish for black nails?

    I am a pretty minimalist color palatte. In summer, white/black/navy/grey with the rare pink/teal/burgundy. I usually never wear fingernail polish and keep my nails short myself. I get a pedicure almost never, but am thinking about it … just for fun. I only wear closed toe shoes at work, and only have two pairs of black sandals for casual wear. I’m not thrilled with my aging feet, but they are in good shape.

    Would black work? Which one?

    My skin is rather pale, with a mild pink/ruddy quality.

      1. OPI Lincoln Park After Dark is dark dark purple that looks black. I use it all the time.

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