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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
While finding last week’s Suit of the Week, this dress jumped out at me, both for the distinctive “illusion slits” at the neckline, the classic style, the fun color (it also comes in black), and the lovely bracelet sleeves. Gorgeous. It’s $1325, still available in sizes 4-16 at Saks. Escada Illusion Slit Wool Dress
Here's a more affordable dress in regular and petite sizes 2-16.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
AIMS
Wowie wow wow, this dress is gorgeous! Color might be tough to pull off but would look so gorgeous with red lipstick. Going into my (dream) closet pronto.
Anonymous
Yes. Cannot do the yellow.
But if I were to just go to the all-black sheath every day wardrobe (perhaps with awesome scarves / jewelry / bag / shoes), I would need the black one to break things up a bit :)
AIMS
Ha – I also consider the all black sheath dress wardrobe from time to time. I think my dream would be to have a few “perfectly simple” dresses in 2-3 cuts and 2-3 boring colors like black, navy and gray and only shop for interesting blazers and accessories.
Mindy
I’m slowly transitioning to this in mine, and I LOVE it. Makes getting dressed easy.
KateMiddletown
This is my dream. What do you do when you haven’t shaved your legs?
CountC
Wear skirts and dresses anyway. I shave once a week max in the summer and can go months in the winter b/c I DGAF.
Godzilla
WHOA! I NEEDS THIS DRESS. AND it would look great on me. SIGH.
January
I am picturing Godzilla (the actual giant reptile) in a yellow dress, and it is making me smile.
Senior Attorney
Right? That yellow with the green scales? Divine!!
Senior Attorney
Plus I bet the dress matches her eyes…
Veronica Mars
I went thrifting this weekend and found two pieces I’m not sure how to style. The first item is a gorgeous suede pencil skirt, but it’s clear that it was meant to be worn at the waist and hit the knee. But I’m not thin enough for that, so on me it’s a high-rise mini skirt. Here’s the problem: the slit in the back is a little too high. Ideas for how to fix it? So far I’m thinking I could try to get it sewn up a little at the tailor, wear a slip, wear tights, or try to find a new skirt (my least favorite option). The second is a black turtle/cowl chenille-like sweater. It looks kind of 90s/00s to me, but it was so soft I couldn’t put it down. My leading idea is to wear all black and pretend I’m a bank robber. Or indoors only. Has anyone successfully worn this type of fabric since the N’SYNC broke up?
Veronica Mars
Found it! It’s the “Exofficio Women’s Irresistible Dolce Cowl Neck” if that helps.
rosie
On the sweater, I think I have a 1/2 zip pullover from the same brand in that material. It is very comfy. Mine is more sporty than yours b/c of the zip, I think, but I think it’s fine for weekend, post-workout, running errands, etc. I think it would be fine w/jeans.
And on the skirt, not the answer you want to hear, but I would probably abandon it. Between the fit and the slit, I am not sure I would ever really be comfortable in it.
Anon
The fabric on the sweater is a pretty distinct moment in time. I think skinny ankle pants and heels is your best bet to make it look modern with sleek hair. Or you can make it sleeveless, there are a lot of sleeveless turtlenecks right now.
LAnon
It might be tough to sew up the slit on the suede, but I wonder if a tailor could insert a bit of fabric – either black or a close color match – to make it more of a pleat than a slit? Perhaps just taking it to a tailor and saying “What can you do with this?” would be the best approach.
Anon
This is why thrifting is dangerous. One rule I have is that I only take home things that I 100% know I can wear. No “maybe I can make this work”. Besides having dresses taken in a bit, most tailoring expense is not worth it when it comes to thrifting items.
Veronica Mars
Really? I have completely the opposite perspective. I buy things with the intention of getting them tailored all the time. If a dress is $4, but then I spend $20 on tailoring, that’s still a $24 dress and now it fits me absolutely perfectly. It’s a better than off-the-rack fit. I think tailoring is a great way to make something inexpensive really gorgeous and exactly what you want. I also take up tunic tops all the time (I don’t wear them). The suede skirt isn’t perfect, but it was $5 and I’m excited to wear it this fall. If it’s not my style, then I won’t feel bad about donating it. But I wouldn’t want to buy an item like that out of my comfort zone for retail. And now at least I know to keep looking in case another pops up that’s better fitting. I also don’t think anyone is going to be staring at my behind and wondering is that slit a little too high? We’ve all got better things to think about!
Anon
Agree. Also I think suede skirt with thick tights and booties is really cute
Nati
Yup, agreed!
CountC
This is my approach to thrifting as well. I have to get everything altered regardless of where I buy it, so I might as well buy it super cheap first!
JuniorMinion
You could have two chevrons of fabric added to either side of the skirt waist to enlarge it and then wear it at the waist – Might be easier / less visible than having the slit stitched up which I am thinking you might still see – I have only had the slits in pants / skirts removed when having them shortened.
Just an idea
Anonymous
How do you find such a great tailor? The two times I’ve attempted to get the cut of shirts tailored, I ended up ripping them apart and resewing them myself.
Bonnie
I’d wear the sweater with leggings to run errands on weekends or just hang out at home. A tailor should be able to sew up the slip. Especially if you’re going to be wearing the skirt as a mini, you have to do something about the slip. Even if you wear a slip, it will look like a wardrobe malfunction.
A.non
I once purchased a suede skirt in my favorite color for $1. It was too small, so I purchased fabric in a matching color and took it to a seamstress to add fabric at the seams on both sides, giving the appearance of subtle racing stripes.
KateMiddletown
How do you stop micromanaging your spouse? We’re switching routines now that school is back in session – I’m usually the one who gets our child ready and out the door, but now he’s taking over while I get myself ready to leave earlier than normal. I find myself stepping in and doing the things that seem obvious to me, but maybe not a priority to him… If I point these things out I’m “micromanaging” and if I don’t point them out I end up doing them myself and feeling v. resentful. Granted it’s the first few days back, but mama cannot hang like this. (And also starting to get resentful of the peaceful 45 minutes he gets to spend eating breakfast, checking news, whatever, while I’m commuting the kid. Not a healthy start to the week so I need an attitude adjustment STAT!)
anon a mouse
Are you depending on him to have the kid ready to leave when you are, or is he in charge of getting the kid to school? If the latter, just leave. He will figure it out.
If the former, just take a deep breath, and remember that as long as the kid is fed and clothed and ready on time, it is okay. Give him time to find his own routine and figure out what works and what doesn’t. You had time to figure that out for you — give him the same space.
KateMiddletown
It’s #2, unfortunately. It’s so much easier just to leave. I struggle with the not being on the same page – like this morning we did leave, and I was silently fuming over the fact that we didn’t think “you get her ready” meant the same thing. Also I’m way more of a helicopter than he is, but she’s 6! I need to let him have an opinion and space and fail or not. It’s going to be okay!!!
mascot
At six, they can do a lot of this themselves. It took a few months, but mine can brush his teeth,, make his bed, dress himself in the outfit we picked the night before, and get socks and shoes on. Adult intervention is needed for making breakfast, combing hair, and sometimes shoe-tying. There are definitely some days that kiddo needs extra hugs or encouragement so that can take some time.
Cb
Do these things need to be done? Will they result in the kid being late / inappropriately dressed / in danger? Do they really matter? I struggle with this – I over-function and have to consciously remind myself to take a step back and let things play out. If I don’t, I end up stepping in (annoying, doesn’t foster independence) or being irritated about something that isn’t a bit deal (also annoying)
Lean In /Harry Potter
1. Try Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In – if I remember correctly she has a section basically dealing with exactly this issue.
2. try to reframe the commute time with the kid. I have three and I’m struggling to find one on one time with each so I try to enjoy the moments I do get even if it’s not ideal quality time. If child is school age could you listen to an audio book together during the commute (maybe Harry Potter?)
Anonymous
Yes, my mother picked me up every day after school for the long drive home and those times had some of our best conversations, and it’s a nice memory to have as an adult. Of course, back then I wasn’t playing on an ipad/phone or watching a movie.
anonymous
These are also some of my best memories of time with my parents- just the mundane time we spent together doing things, talking in the car, etc. I think it’s also when I learned the most from them and absorbed their values, teaching etc since it’s mostly mundane moments that make up our lives and gave me a sense of who my parents are.
KateMiddletown
Great idea re: HP books on tape! I love podcasts and was searching for something appropriate to listen to with her – Top 40 radio is so inappropriate these days!
Mariah
My grandpa started reading me HP 1 when I was 6-7. I loved them. I still love them.
Different anon
Roald Dahl, Judy Blume, Lemony Snickett and Neil Gaiman are big hits for my girls (8 and 5).
mascot
For things that you really care about (homework in bag, healthy lunch, outfit ready to go), do those the night before. Otherwise, you’ll need to accept that your husband does things differently and that his way is okay too. Shut yourself in your room or bathroom and do not step into the getting kid ready zone.
For the second one, you’ll need to figure out when your relaxing time is going to be and protect it.
Bonnie
Agreed. DH is color blind so I put out the next day’s outfit the night before and DH dresses kiddo. I also pack the backpack the night before and put it by the door, not necessarily because DH will get it wrong but looking for stuff in the morning is stressful. Can you get your LO involved in the process?
Anonymous
To fail is to learn.
anonshmanon
I do this a lot! It helps me to picture what happens when I don’t step in. Usually, it is not great but tolerable. For example: Kid gets dressed in a hurry/without supervision – wears terrible color combo (happened when my dad sent me to school); heading out the door is rushed – dad forgets to pack lunch AND (worst case) to give lunch money (kid will either find a friend to help them out or learn a lesson the harder way, it will not starve),
kid will be late or forget homework or materials. Most of those errors have a teaching effect.
Your kid can also start learning to get itself ready. A checklist is very helpful here (get dressed, eat breakfast, grab bag, pack lunch, brush teeth). On second thought, maybe that checklist would be helpful for daddy, too?
Anonymous
Also, you need a two-deep team to raise a kid and your husband won’t get up to an acceptable level with you micromanaging. Let him fail a bit. Then you can go on a weeklong work trip / care for sick parent with less significant fails on his part and peace of mind on your part (and peace @ home = everyone wins).
Laminated card of minimums:
Lunchbox = drink + napkin + sammie + fruit + ice thing
2 snacks (or whatever) + fleece in backpack
Sports / specials schedule
Library books go back on [day of week]
bathtime / bedtime
get kid involved in checking backpack every day
lay out clothes on Sunday (we got a small rolling rack just for this years ago and I will never get rid of it)
Anonymous
If he is responsible for getting kid ready, you both need to agree about what “ready” means.
Cf
Checklist.
Child should know where checklist is, and will learn as well.
housecounsel
This is reminding me of the first time my husband was responsible for getting our first grader out the door. She goes to Catholic school and wears a uniform. Found out later he sent her in the full uniform – except she was wearing her beloved, very colorful One Direction socks. She got a yellow card, but we all survived.
KateMiddletown
This is it, nervous mom of first grader here. We are transitioning in so many ways – closing on new house in T-minus 14 days so the car ride to new school can range from ~30-45 minutes. Catholic school uniforms ftw! (And mine would also be the one to come in 1D socks with not a second thought from dad!)
what will bralets do in the winter?
After a warm summer weekend outside, I see how crazy bralet (and bralet fashion) has gotten. Everything would be inappropriate (giant armholes) or maybe could be a swim coverup, but b/c of bralets is now considered to be “therefore, = clothes.” Nyet.
Will they maybe go away in winter? Or will there be winter festival bralet attire to go with? Like snuggies with giant arm cutouts?
Shopaholic
LOL I have a sweater with a cowl-back so I still wear a bralet with it, usually for dates or nights out. I love it.
emeralds
Bralettes under giant oversized cozy sweaters are my life, so. Flame away.
Anonymous
Don’t they look lumpy though? Or is it a thick sweater and not a thin / drape-y one?
Pears
I wear bralettes as bras b/c itty bitty titty committee. I can wear the non-lacy ones under anything and the lacy ones under larger sweaters so they don’t show through.
Cat
PSA for Lilly fans – the after party sale is today. There’s some good options (for now) in plain colors vs the prints, if the prints aren’t your thing. I am still impressed with the quality of Elsa tops, as well as the cashmere and cotton sweaters. I size up in the sweaters BTW – one larger than JCrew – due to small upper arm sizing as well as bust (34c).
Veronica Mars
If you want to shop, head over there now and get in line. I’ve got… 50k people ahead of me and an hour wait (new website queuing system).
Anonymous
There’s also a Lily sale at Amazon. Possibly the same stuff? But with no waiting.
KateMiddletown
What are the best Lilly styles for tall gals?
Cat
I like the Sarasota tunic for length w/ skinny jeans (I’m short, but long waisted, so finding long enough tops is always tricky). Sheath dresses are probably out, but the maxi dresses look like possibilities…
JEB
I went on to buy some dresses for my daughter. By the time I finished looking and went into my shopping bag, they were all gone. So check out quickly if you see something you like!!
Anonymous
My goddaughter is turning 1 in a couple of months. I’d love the hive’s advice on gift ideas that I could “grow” with her. – meaning, something I can give her this year that I could continue to give the same kind of item to her as she gets older. The first thing that pops into my head is books. All suggestions appreciated!
Veronica Mars
I think books are a great idea! Or you could think of a fun ritual you two could do together. Maybe you go to a department store and pick out a winter coat for her (if that’s too expensive, maybe a fun winter accessory like gloves or a new barrette or something) and then get hot chocolate. When she’s young that might be harder, but growing up she would appreciate having time with her godmother and the item you picked out together. Plus it’d give Mom & Dad a break.
anon anon
Legos…starting with duplos.
From ebay (better quality and more fun) or Amazon — the Fisher Price sets.
– farmhouse
– people house
– airport
– circus train
then there’s tons of the figures and things you can add over time. Eventually, add in a carpet/mat that has a city/street scene and there’s years of play. All items can mix/match.
It took at least 20 years of daily use in a busy waiting room for a 15-20 year old garage to finally quit … actually it was the belt for the elevator which broke and could not be repaired nor replaced.
Great stuff. This century’s FP goods don’t allow for enough imagination IMO. I’m a child developmentalist.
anon anon
You can also start a puppet collection. There are lots out there. At this age, an adult uses the puppet and sings nursery rhymes etc.
Look into the puppet “theaters” which are made to span doorways. It’s more of a puppet theater screen actually. It’s also easy to use for dress up etc.
Laura B
I really like the puppet collection idea. I might steal that for Christmas this year.
Anonymous
+ 100 for Lego Duplos – not the pink/purple ones. The good sets with primary colors and a few base plates.
I have three kids and they are the most consistently played with toys from ages 1- 5.
Anon
My sister and I were given add-a-pearl necklaces from a relative. Obviously she won’t be able to use if for several years, though.
Anonymous
A charm bracelet?
nutella
I have one of these from my childhood and it is awesome. Highly recommend.
Laura B
I don’t have kids, but I have 4 kids (niece, nephew, best friends two girls) who I buy gifts for and I have weird rules for myself about gifts for them.
They always get at least one book, but usually a couple. I always pick them from the most highly rated new releases on Amazon. Granted, with books you don’t get instant satisfaction of seeing a kid REALLY excited when they open your present, but books have staying power. After a couple years one niece had a “Laura pile” of books that she would make her mom read all the books I had gotten her. My nephew’s favorite book for a while was a book I got his older sister.
For Christmas, I’ve done a book+present based around the same theme. For example my niece got ballerina books + tutu one year (then because I felt bad for perpetuating female stereotypes onto her (although she did love them) she got Rosie Rivere Engineer + these cool building things). I feel meh about this sometimes though, because I inevitably only love half of the present and sometimes really have to search for something that goes with the theme. I really the puppet collection idea, though – I might steal that for Christmas this year.
Other rules for presents: no batteries, no noisemakers, doesn’t take up a lot of space, and encourages creativity and imagination.
Now, my husband disagrees with all of the above. I usually buy presents, he finds out what they are and gives them the major side eye, and then goes and buys his own presents for them that are usually more expensive, huge, and loud. For example, he got our niece a giant Chewbacca for her birthday and our nephew a riding tractor with trailer. I would never get these things because they’re huge wastes of space, IMO. But the kids LOVE them, he has fun giving them, and they have great relationships. So you can’t really go wrong.
Em
I am the same way with my niece! I put money in her college fund (which I set up) until she was old enough to be aware of the gifts. Then I got her a doctor kit because I didn’t want to perpetuate female stereotypes. This year I gave up and gave her a ballerina doll because she is very into dance right now and she loved it. We also got her a fishing pole so I figured it was a wash.
KateMiddletown
I’d suggest the beautiful versions of the kids classics – Alice in Wonderland, Anne of Green Gables, etc. Rifle Paper does some but they’re on Amazon and Anthropologie. It would be so fun to own them as an adult and I bet they’ll be treasured by the parents too.
Otherwise I’d suggest a wooden rocking horse or similar. We have one that used to be mine as a kid, but there are also these adorable ride on ladybugs that my daughter played with from age 2-6 (and counting.)
anon a mouse
What about music? Kids music CDs now, could transition to concert tickets or music lessons when she gets older.
In House Lobbyist
Yes, I asked for a small CD player for each of my kids when they were 1 and it was a great idea. My just turned 3 year old loves CD and has just figured out how to change them and play different songs. I left her playing in her room with them this morning. My now 6 year old loves CDs that read him the book. But I think the book idea is always great too. I love books and always buy them for everyone.
Anonymous
Denim jacket. Converse All-Stars. An LLBean boat and tote bag with her monogram, graduating sizes through the years.
anon for this
Thoughts on having a wedding but not actually making the change legally? FH and I live together, are engaged, and have been planning a wedding, but we’ve realized that actually making a legal change would significantly reduce my financial aid for grad school. We’re considering moving forward with the wedding but not becoming legally married until the financial outlook is a little clearer. We wouldn’t share this with our families or wedding guests. Is this an acceptable move?
Anonymous
Isn’t this what Mick Jagger did with Jerry Hall? I think that only Rupert Murdoch legally put a ring on it.
Anonymous
Make sure you’re not in a state where you can be common-law married (e.g. Pennsylvania) or doing this in a state with common-law marriage. Then you might actually be married by accident w/o filing any paperwork.
lost academic
I would add that you should make sure that that is something considered by financial aid in the first place. You might also want to consider the difference in things like low interest loans you could be eligible for as a married couple vs single, since this is grad school and the “good” financial aid isn’t nearly as available as it is for undergraduate studies.
AIMS
Actually even in a state where there is no common law marriage this wouldn’t necessarily save you. In NY CL marriage has been abolished but if you have a wedding ceremony and hold yourselves out as married you can be considered married (technically you need both a license and a ceremony, but a ceremony and no license is enough for legal purposes). A friend’s husband “forgot” to fill out and send in their wedding license to “protect” himself in the event things went sour and it didn’t work out for him. Obviously, they are divorced now.
Anyway, I think this is sort of a terrible idea. Marriage has perks and downsides and you want to take advantage of the perks and not take part in any of the downsides, which I get, but I think actually lying to your family and friends is just really awful. I think anytime you have to lie to a large group of people you basically know what you’re doing isn’t cool.
Anonymous
+1million to your last sentence
Spirograph
Yes. I don’t get it. Why do you need to have a wedding *right now* at the expense of being candid with your friends and family? Grad school is only a couple years; get married afterward if the money is more important to you than the legal commitment. Also, it’s probably worth examining how far you would take that line of reasoning…there will always be something that makes legal marriage inconvenient.
Marshmallow
“Anyway, I think this is sort of a terrible idea. Marriage has perks and downsides and you want to take advantage of the perks and not take part in any of the downsides, which I get, but I think actually lying to your family and friends is just really awful. I think anytime you have to lie to a large group of people you basically know what you’re doing isn’t cool.”
+100000000000 Don’t start your “marriage” off by lying to your friends and family.
Marriage is a commitment and you don’t get to pick and choose which perks you want without any of the financial and legal entanglements. If now isn’t the best time to get married for financial reasons, save the money you’re putting aside for the wedding now and just get married when it’s the right time.
On a personal note, those vows are meaningful. Saying our vows in front of our loved ones was REAL and emotional and so so important. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to know you’re lying.
Veronica Mars
I think it’s lying if you say you’re getting married but not actually getting married. Maybe have a big ol’ engagement party and invite everyone, making it clear that you’re eloping later. Or wait.
KateMiddletown
Yes. Engagement party would be a perfect option here. And check out APracticalWedding dot com for related topics.
nutella
Engagement means engaged to be married. Either have a commitment party or don’t. Having a wedding or an engagement party is a lie and a pretty nasty gift grab… from everyone from your relatives to the state.
KateMiddletown
I don’t think there’s any problem with getting engaged and having a party for it, then eloping later. I guess I should have specified 1) get engaged 2) have engagement party 3) get married eventually in whatever manner suits you at the time.
Suburban
I’ll bite. I think you have to let people know that. I feel “duped” when I learn I’ve attended a fake wedding ceremony. Party? Commitment ceremony? All good!
Anonymous
+1
HSAL
Yep. Do it, sure, but don’t hide it.
Cat
if the truth (somewhat inevitably) gets out, be prepared for some hurt feelings. I recently found out that my husband’s cousin was secretly legally married for nearly a year before her “wedding” and, although I would never say so to her face, am really annoyed at being “tricked” knowing that it was a totally fake ceremony. In hindsight I can see why “relief” was the main emotion I could see on her face at the reception!
Anonymous
Nope.
Anonymous
I want to spend zero time and money watching you play dress up. I consider it fraud- you’re doing it deliberately to deceive people to get the social benefits of marriage workout the burdens. It’s disrespectful to the institution and to the people you are lying to.
Scarlett
+1 – exactly how I felt when I learned later I’d gone to a fake wedding. Not okay. Pick either getting married or being together but no pretending.
Senior Attorney
Yep. I would not attend such an event if I knew it were fake and would be quite annoyed if I found out after the fact.
Cf
You mean….. A gift grab?
No. Totally not acceptable.
Anonymous
A friend did this and I was one of the very few people who knew they weren’t getting legally married. It was terribly awkward, especially at the wedding itself when lots of people were making chitchat about the tax implications of marriage and the marriage penalty, so I agree with the other comments that you need to be more open about it if that’s what you do. (Also, consult a lawyer. I’m pretty sure at least when it comes to tax, there’s case law that if you live together, have a wedding and then hold yourselves out as married, you can’t legally avoid the marriage penalty. Not sure what the situation is with student loans but I can imagine there being a similar rule.)
MNF
Not telling you not to check with a lawyer, but unless you are in a common-law state (living or married in), it shouldn’t affect your taxes. The IRS depends on state definitions of marriage.
Anonymous
I think that’s weird. Why not get married after school?
anon for this
We did this, because the marriage tax penalty was going to hit us to the tune of $20K per year. I think it happens more than people realize that the wedding they went to was not a legal marriage, especially with destination weddings or when the couple has a friend or family member officiate. In our case, we did a tiny elopement abroad and didn’t have any guests.
We’ve been married for 5 years now and I rarely think about the fact that we’re not legally married, other than during tax season. And we’ve saved more than $100K in taxes over those 5 years, which far exceeds the benefits we would have gotten from the state if we had been legally married.
Anonymous
This makes me……sad.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to be married, great. I don’t get lying to everyone you know about it.
anon for this
But what does getting married mean, anyway? Isn’t the most important part the public and social promise that you’ve made to each other? Why does it need to be legally registered with the state to have meaning?
Anonymous
Getting married means becoming legally bound to each other pursuant to your states laws regarding marriage. It is an actual thing with a real definition, not something you get to make up to suit yourself.
And no, gay people didn’t fight desperately for the right to be married because the social aspect is the most important, but enjoy your privileged bubble.
Scarlett
+1 10:13 anon – marriage equality wasn’t a fight for the right to party
Lyssa
Re: the public and social promise – That public and social promise includes the legal ramifications, some of which are beneficial to the couple, but others which are beneficial to society, including things like taxes and financial aid. You may not agree with all of the reasons that the tax and financial aid implications are the way that they are, but there are reasons that they were put into place, and it’s not unreasonable that it rubs people the wrong way when people try to get all of the benefits but want none of the responsibilities or downsides.
Ultimately, do what you do – as long as it’s not actually illegal, it’s not my business. But I agree that this would bother me if I were a guest/family member/friend.
Betty
Re: what does it mean to be married anyway? Try standing outside the door of the ICU with your SO inside because the ICU is “family members only.” And being a “significant other” is not sufficient and having zero say in what happens behind the doors of the ICU.
AIMS
@Betty – this is actually an interesting issue that I don’t know the answer to. Does the person with the pretend wedding get to make decisions in a hospital? I would think no one will be checking your license if you just say you’re the spouse but if there is a legal challenge, what then? (I’m imagining a scenario where family and spouse disagree on course of treatment). And what about inheriting? (I know the answer is state specific, but just throwing it out there).
This just seems like you’re opening up a whole can of legal issues, including whether – depending on your state – you actually are married and therefore can be subject to tax penalties and divorce proceedings and I just think it’s crazy that anyone would do this. I totally get not getting married to avoid the tax consequences or other legal complications; and I get taking a shortcut and referring to your SO as your “husband” or “wife” on vacation or with the cable company to not have to explain that you are in a long term committed relationship and yes, you can cancel the cable even though you’re not on the bill, but this is so beyond that.
Marshmallow
YES to the hospital thing, I don’t get it. The reality of course is that if you have the privilege to be a heterosexual couple (multiply that if you are white and/or economically advantaged) you can probably just tell the hospital “I’m his wife” and nobody will even check.
LGBTQ people struggled and struggled for this right and still don’t have total access to it. It’s so disrespectful to me to just hold yourselves out as married to enjoy the benefits but not really be married. It’s a legal institution, not a party.
Anonymous
My mind is sort of blown about this right now. I know about common-law marriage, but the idea of people holding a ceremony that isn’t legally binding in any way is kind of . . . wow to me.
Anonymous
It’s just so entitled. You literally feel entitled to a whole bundle of benefits without taking on any of the burdens, to the point where you feel comfortable deceiving your loved ones.
Suburban
+1 maybe that’s why this bugs me so much!
Anonymous
You don’t get the benefits though. I’m pretty sure if your “spouse” is in an accident, his parents and not you would get to make all the decisions about his care, including when to pull the plug. Because you’re just his long term partner, not his wife. I think a lot of people who get fake married THINK they are getting the benefits without the burdens but I’m not sure it plays out that way in real life.
Anonymous
@ Anon @ 12:00 – unless his parents thought you were married because you told them you were. They wouldn’t know to challenge your decision to pull the plug until after he was gone and they discovered – surprise! – they inherit his estate because you were never married.
Anonattorney
You do realize, though, that this happens all the time, right?
Commitment ceremonies? Ceremonies where married couples renew their vows? Neither of those are legally binding. Are we really attending weddings just to say, “yep, now they’re a unit for tax purposes. Done and done.” Would you feel cheated if you found out the couple getting married had an iron-clad prenup that essentially made them a unit that could very easily divorce and essentially share no money or assets? What exactly is it that affects YOU, the partygoer (and presumably close friend and loved one), if they aren’t yet getting legally married?
Anonymous
I haven’t been invited to any commitment or vow renewal ceremonies. But if I were, I’d know what I was attending. Calling either of those a wedding is deceitful.
I’m not concerned with prenups in this scenario. We are supporting a marriage in that case.
Anonymous
Depending on your state, you are legally married if you hold yourself out as being husband and wife. You seriously might want to look into this.
And make sure you have a will that addresses your unique facts. Legally, if your “spouse” is ill, you are not next of kin. And depending on how property is titled, you don’t inherit anything. You are, legally, a roommate / co-tenant / trespasser. When things go south, you might not be protected at all.
Anonymous
This. So much this.
If you make medical decisions for your spouse when your ‘spouse in incapacitated that his parents disagree with and they find out later on (as they will when the estate is dealt with, you could find yourself in a whole pile of legal trouble.
Anonymous
If you did an elopement without guests, isn’t that just a vacation?
Anonymous
Yup. An elopement where you had a wedding ceremony that was fake with no guests is just a weird activity like swimming with pigs in Antigua.
Anonymama
This made me laugh
Anonymous
“If you did an elopement without guests, isn’t that just a vacation?” THIS!
Anonymous
I don’t understand this at all. An elopement creates so much drama from the people in your life who were excluded. Why would you want to make friends and family feel like they’ve been excluded from something super important in your life when they haven’t been? And why would you want to hear about it for the next 30 years when there’s actually nothing for them to complain about?
anonymous
An elopement doesn’t always create drama. I did it and no one cared, which is good, because I would have found that unreasonable.
Anonymous
Good for you. I don’t quite understand all the hate this is getting.
anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Because they are lying and deceiving people who they claim to love and care about in order to avoid paying more in taxes
straight financial trumping
Trish
+2
Anonymous
usually people with destination weddings get married in their state before they leave if they are concerned about legalities.
so entitled and appalling that you don’t feel the least bit bad about deceiving people like this
Senior Attorney
Except you’re not married. As others have said, marriage is a real thing with real meaning. Unless you are in one of the very few common law states, you are legal strangers to one another and when one of you dies or is injured or whatever, you will be in for a bad surprise.
Runner 5
You’ve saved 100k in taxes? Hope you don’t like driving on well maintained roads or having a police service to call in an emergency…
Anonymous
Just wait a year or two until you graduate. There’s cheap, and there’s being so cheap that you’re too cheap to get married and but you still want to have a fake reception to get gifts. You know people will find out and talk about it.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
No, not OK. When you ask people to spend their time and money to celebrate you, you owe them the courtesy of telling them what exactly they’re celebrating so they can make an informed decision about the lengths they’re willing to go to for you. What you’re suggesting is an engagement party, not a wedding. There are vastly different social expectations of your guests for an engagement party vs. wedding. A wedding is a pretty significant imposition on your loved ones – travel, gifts, child care, outfit, and the time out of their schedule (especially if you do all the wedding-related parties too). It’s an imposition that they are happy to undertake because they want to celebrate your marriage with you. But most people would not do the same for an engagement party.
Anonymous
I’d say save up for a graduation party or a wedding (or a house) or whatever. Or call it a commitment ceremony.
I’d impose 10b5 liability for an invitation purporting to be for a wedding that isn’t in fact a wedding.
Not a Lawyer
105b liability? ‘splain
Anonymous
Basically I think this commenter is saying she’d call this faux wedding a fraud
Anon
Not really am answer to your question, but I highly recommend winter break of last year of grad school to get married. It’s not a big hiring time in any field, so you’re not missing out on job opportunities by spending a few weeks focusing on wedding stuff. You have enough time that you could do a long honeymoon right away or put it off and do it in the time between graduation and starting to work. And it will only affect a semester of your financial aid (if the school even recalculated mid-year)
Bonnie
This seems odd to me. Don’t have a wedding and not get married. That’s just lying to everyone. If you’re happy with your relationship as is, just keep on going.
Not cool
Be upfront and honest about it. A lot of people are penalized financially for marriage. It’s great to get up in front of your friends and family and commit yourselves to each other. But that’s not actually marriage.
Marriage is agreeing to commit yourselves to each other with all of the benefits and disadvantages bequeathed by the state as well as the legality of a contract that requires state intervention to break.
Oh and it’s kind of a gift grab too if you don’t tell your guests.
Icing on the cake is the political statement it makes to all of the people who have historically been barred from a state sanctioned marriage.
Anon
Yep. Totally took a financial hit re: taxes when we got married. Totally worth it to be able to call each other husband and wife.
Anonymous
A friend got fake married because she has millions in stock options (she was an early employee at a company that is now a household name) and her partner is just a regular six-figure earner (LOL) and she didn’t want him to get her stock in the event of a split. She was pretty open with me and a few other close friends about the fact that a pre-nup would have taken care of the issue, but she wanted to avoid the trouble and expense of doing that. Honestly, I thought it was super gross that a millionaire basically lied to everyone she knew to avoid paying a family lawyer a few thousand bucks. You can do whatever you want, but people who know will definitely judge.
nutella
this is icky.
Anonymous
this is so gross. Hope she’s not your friend anymore
Anonattorney
I say do whatever you want to do! If you want to have a ceremony demonstrating your commitment to each other (i.e., a commitment ceremony, they’ve been around for a long long long time), that’s wonderful. If you have people who love you and want to celebrate your commitment, invite them! Call it a wedding! It sounds like your plan is to make it legal in a couple years anyway.
I was confused about all the hate on this post, but then I realized it was all anonymous posters. Eh. I get so tired of the wedding comments here. Everyone would have you think that your wedding has to check all these boxes or otherwise is some horrible evil awful thing that actively harms those closest to you. I say whatever to that.
Anonymous
You know every discussion here involves anonymous posters, right? Nobody ever signs anything with their real names. If you mean there are no “regulars” on this thread, you’re wrong. There are tons of them saying this is not ok.
AIMS
(Raises hand)….
Nati
Also a lot of the time regulars will decline to use their known “name” on certain threads. It doesn’t mean they’re not commenting. I think most people who comment at all are regulars in one way or another.
Anonattorney
It’s impossible to track a heated conversation on here when poster after poster uses the name “Anonymous.” Make up a handle. Say “Regular Poster Anon for This.” Use some identifier so that other readers can track whether you are a new voice, or simply the same voice that has posted five times on the same thread. I give less credence to threads that have a ton of “anonymous” posts because it just looks like people are just trolling without even buying into the tiny bit of accountability that comes with using a unique identifier on this site.
Wildkitten
Amen.
Anonymous
It’s not like people are giving her a hard time about decor or bridesmaid dresses or venue meal options.
The whole point of a wedding is to get married. If they are not getting married then it’s not a wedding – it’s a commitment party and that’s what they should call it.
ChiLaw
It’s really interesting to me that no one has brought up the religious aspect of marriage. I have at least one friend whose family is very religiously conservative, and wanted her to be *married* (in the eyes of god, that is) before they would treat her partner as such. For financial reasons, they weren’t legally married for another few years. To my mind, the couple wasn’t duping anyone. The important part of it, for her and her family, was the public religious commitment, not the tax thing.
AIMS
I would say they were duping the state/govt. I have no idea what the IRS rules on this are and it probably has to do with her state rules but to me the ceremony and the license to wed go hand in hand. I don’t think it matters if the ceremony was religious or secular, simple or elaborate.
Anon
I did it a bit backwards from this. My husband is military, and I was as well when we got legally married (quick trip to the county courthouse). Had to do it in order for me to be issued as a dependent and get sent where he did when he got new orders. We didn’t hide it from anyone, and everyone understood why we were doing it. We later had a wedding, which to me was when I actually got married. I know legally we were married after the courthouse, but to me and my family, we weren’t married until I had a full-fledged Catholic Mass, and that’s the way I preferred it.
New job lady
My husband and I recently moved because I got my dream job in the DC area. My husband has been really supportive of me and the move. However,it has been a month and he has done very little to get himself a new job – he applied to a few positions but that’s it. He is unhappy as a lawyer but doesn’t know what else he wants to do and how to make himself competitive for different jobs. I know he is overwhelmed and struggling but I am frustrated. We are okay financially for him to not work for a few months but I don’t think he is going to have a sudden epiphany and that there are things he could be doing to figure out what he wants (although I don’t have specific ideas). Any suggestions, for him or for me?
Anonymous
He should probably be looking for a career counselor if he’s interested in leaving law. But I just wanted to point out that applying for a few positions a month may be perfectly reasonable. Especially if he practices in a niche area or is relatively senior, there aren’t going to be an unlimited number of positions he’s qualified for. So long as he’s diligently searching for positions and applying for the ones he thinks are a good fit, that’s what matters. There’s some rule about a month of job searching for every 10k of salary, so it’s likely going to take him a while. The best thing you can do for him is reassure him that you want him to find a good fit and you’re ok with it taking a while – that way he won’t feel pressured to take a job he isn’t enthusiastic about.
Anonymous
It has only been a month. Are your loans so high you are already panicking…. Two lawyers?!
He moved for you, you have a dream job, he is conflicted…. Give him time.
teflon
August is also a slow hiring month, it’ll pick up in September.
Laura B
This. EVERYONE is on vacation. Literally half the emails I’ve sent this morning have bounced back with auto-responses for people being out.
Anonymous
Chill. You moved for your job, he’s supportive, a month is not long and this is really hard for him.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but it’s not a month. It’s probably been in the planning states for a while before that. Like enough time to pursue jobs, interview, wait, move, etc. Once you can say “we’re moving in July,” you had better be well on your way to your next move, if you haven’t been putting out feelers before. Now, if he’s not hitting overdrive, I’d be concerned, too.
Anonymous
A month isn’t that long. I would encourage him to get his foot in the door anywhere just to get back in the job market and then he can take some time to figure out what he wants to do long term. He may be concerned that if he takes a job now, he’ll be stuck if he isn’t happy.
Reassure him that you just want him to be employed again and then refocus on longer term career decisions. That you’ll support him if the new job doesn’t work out and he needs to change. He may feel that this isn’t his only chance for a career change.
Anonymous
I have been in your husband’s position twice, moving for my husband’s job. Both times we moved to locations where I knew very few people (maybe two or three acquaintances and that’s it). As a result, I found the job search process extremely challenging because I felt like I had no network. I half-heartedly applied to online positions but I rarely got a response and when I did it was a rejection. I knew I was supposed to be networking but didn’t know how to get started.
Can you help your husband find ways to expand/grow his network in your new city? If he wants to make a career switch maybe he could take a class or do some volunteer work to test the waters? Maybe get involved with a professional organization?
Anonymous
Suggestions for baby gifts that aren’t clothes? I normally send clothes to my friends when they have kids, but a couple of my husband’s friends have recently had kids and I feel like we should send something that’s more plausible that my husband could pick out, even though I’ll actually be the one buying it (which I’m fine with – this is part of how we divide chores, and he does more than his share).
Faye
Ask your husband his favorite childhood books and buy the board book version of those. If nothing, have him spend two minutes on B&N looking at the baby board book section, and pick out 10 faves. Then you can mix and match those for any/all gifts going forward.
Anonymous
Stuffed toys, blocks, books, things off their baby registry.
Anonymous
Can you still buy off the registry a couple months after the baby was born? Or do couples typically buy up the un-purchased items themselves?
PhilanthropyGirl
Depends. Lots of couples will buy up the un-purchased necessary items (stroller, car seat, crib, bottles), but leave the non-necessary things on the registry. Things like books, toys, or items that the child may not need until they’re older often remain on those registries – most stores leave them open for a while. Amazon registries appear to be indefinite.
Anonymous
Always books.
Laura B
Ditto :)
Godzilla
Legos and/or books. Legos so that the babies will develop spatial intelligence and become engineers. ALL THE BABY ENGINEERS
blue
Clothes from one or both of the parent’s alma maters. We’ve gotten those from some of my husband’s friends.
ml
Or the parents’ favorite sports teams. Or, if either of the parents play rec league sports and you happen to know the team name & logo, you can get a onesie custom-printed.
But otherwise I agree with Godzilla. Not legos because they’re too tiny for babies, but blocks and books! NEVER gift a toy that makes noise. For the love of everything.
AIMS
They will LOVE you and your husband once the weather gets cold; very practical guy-type gift, too.
https://www.diapers.com/p/7-a-m-enfant-warmmuffs-stroller-gloves-heather-grey-w-grey-fleece-lining-1224347?sku=AM-765&qid=1636987607&sr=1-2
2 Cents
For when baby is a little older: something they can push around as they walk (shopping cart, lawnmower, ride-on car).
Alphaberry
Tool bench that attaches to a table.
The bead-on-wire maze toys
Anything from “taggies”
Tub toys
Faye
I’ve been having some anxiety and panic attacks lately, almost all triggered by stress and a feeling of “not enough time.” I know it’s time to do something, but I feel like if I had the time to find a therapist (let alone GO to one) then I wouldn’t have the anxiety. I don’t even have a PCP, so I don’t know where to start. What in the world is a first step? How do you find the time to fit in a therapist when you barely have time to do the essentials?
Anonymous
Check your insurance co website or zocdoc, find a psychiatrist, make an appointment, take your Zanax and get a referral to a psychologist. You just do it, same as you’d figure out getting your appendix removed.
Veronica Mars
I recommend this all the time, but the Anxiety and Panic Attack Workbook on Amazon by Dr. Bourne. It lays out every single thing that contributes to anxiety and ways you can resolve them. You could try taking whatever step you’re ready (meditation, diet, exercise, medication, therapy, natural supplements, etc). I’ll warn you in that it’s not easy reading–it’s super dense but incredibly informative. For therapy first steps–look on your insurer’s website and pick someone close to you in network (your in network options may be limited anyway). Call and ask for a new patient appointment and then make yourself go to it. You could also look for a practice with extended hours and schedule it first thing.
Faye
Thanks for the rec. I just ordered the book, I like this idea immensely as I hesitate to go straight to meds. This might be a nice step until a dr appt, and then maybe something nice in conjunction with whatever dr recommends.
Anonymous
Post your city and we can give you recs.
Ask your friends for PCP recs. Make an appointment. Get on the cancellation list so you can get in soon.
It often takes longer to get in with a psychiatrist, which is why I recommend starting with a PCP if you don’t have a psych rec. PCP may have advice/meds to carry you over, and they can refer you to Psych.
CountC
+1 My PCP is who prescribes me my anxiety and depression meds. I was working with a therapist in tandem for many years, but now I don’t need the therapist very often nor do I need the anxiety meds except on rare occasions.
Definitely find yourself a PCP to tide you over until you can get in with a pysch/therapist.
Godzilla
I’m going to tell you this right here right now YOU WILL BE OKAY, I PROMISE. First things first, block out an hour on your calendar to make the appointments/research doctors/freak about making appointments/consume copious amounts of ice cream. Walk away from this issue mentally and do whatever else you have to do. When your appointment with yourself comes up, DON’T RESCHEDULE. Find someone – whether it’s zocdoc, your existing pcp, gynecologist, etc. Make the appointment. Keep that appointment. And be very frank with your medical professional – that they need to give you explicit instructions to keep you moving.
YOU WILL BE OKAY.
Anonymous
Very good post and advice
Lloyd
I am telling you ativan changed my life. It’s so worth getting in and finding out what will help you too. I only take it once a month or so when and if everything feels so overwhelming I cannot leave my bedroom. Then, once I take it, I am magically able to get myself together – which helps manage the anxiety naturally when I am able to fit in exercise and have clean clothes and dishes in addition to managing the 78 other life and work related tasks.
Confide in a friend or relative and ask them to go with you so someone is there if you freak out if you need to. Finding the right counselor can be a process but get to someone who can manage your meds ASAP as you look for a counselor. After my friend saw me have a panic attack (actually an employee/friend), that’s what it took for me to go see someone. But I suffered in silence for the same reasons you are saying and really wish I had gotten help sooner.
Faye
Thanks all. So nice to read the encouragement and know I’m not alone. It seems so simple reading the steps written out here, not sure why it seems so daunting in my head.
I blocked out an hour tomorrow evening to do the research, and then 30 min on Wed to call around and actually make the appt. Deep breaths.
Thanks,
Godzilla
AWESOME! YOU GOT THIS!
Nati
Wohoo! Go Faye Go! We’re rooting for you. The first steps are the hardest.
ChiLaw
It is so hard to make an appointment to get therapy/meds when you’re in an anxiety spiral. Can a partner or close friend help? If you give them your insurance information, they could make the appointment for you. Just a thought. Rooting for you!
Anon
Did yoga for the first time yesterday. Don’t even know what poses and I couldn’t hold them long — was just watching stuff on youtube and doing what I could. For the rest of the evening and almost all of last night my muscles esp. back and legs felt so — stretched? Or light? Or like they were getting blood circulation? Nothing hurt or felt bad. But is that my imagination or is that how yoga is supposed to feel?
I don’t work out much so it tired me out, so I figured I’d sleep well. Turns out I was pretty restless bc I was so aware of my back and legs.
How is yoga supposed to feel (afterwards)?
Nancy Raygun
This is how I felt the first few times I did yoga. It’s different for everyone though. I was looking down at my legs like “WHY ARE THEY SO PINK, WHAT’S GOING ON??” Circulation, that’s what. For me, I tend to feel calm, but energized afterwards so it helps to do something that calms me right after so I can sleep well. I take a short walk and drink some decaf tea. Maybe reading or listening to some relaxing music will help. But you have to transition to rest after any exercise if you want to sleep well. Your endocrine system is pumping out hormones that can increase arousal.
Simplify
If you are new to yoga you should really take a class so you are doing the poses correctly. I have been doing yoga for years but take classes from time to time to make sure my form is correct.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Can I ask why this matters? I honestly was just looking to stretch some and see how yoga feels and why people like it. As I watched/did some of it — I realized it is harder than it looks to hold poses or even get into certain poses. But why does it matter if it’s done correctly or not – unless you’re trying to become a master yoga person? I mean you’ll know if something hurts and can stop but aside from that is there a benefit to holding posture a certain way or whatever — the muscles will stretch regardless?
Anonymous
Because when poses are done correctly it benefits the body. And avoiding injury.
CPA Lady
FWIW, I injured myself doing a pilates DVD because I was using improper form. Nothing hurt in the moment, so I didn’t realize I needed to stop.
ml
Because it’s totally possible to stretch muscles in a way that doesn’t hurt at the time but will hurt or potentially cause damage later. Alignment and balance are important in yoga because it’s so isometric. Depending on the poses, you’re potentially putting a lot of stress on wrist and shoulder joints if you aren’t balanced correctly (and knees, but I think most people are more in tune with their knees), and “neutral spine” vs flat back can also cause issues. and, and and. Obviously it’s not required, but even just one class with a good teacher would make a big difference in knowing when things feel right or wrong, so why not?
Anon
Your form matters because poses are supposed to work certain muscles in certain ways and won’t if you’re doing them wrong. You can also hurt yourself. (I hated yoga and gave myself a shoulder injury. Turned out I was doing downward dog wrong.)
Anonymous
Most people don’t have great alignment, so it’s possible you’re not doing the poses that were having trouble holding correctly. You should always be able to modify. A teacher can show you have to adjust yourself so that you’re working toward a fuller expression of the pose, rather than trying to throw yourself into some pose where you tweak your knee or tilt yourself so that you’re not actually stretching the muscles that are meant to be stretched. It will feel a lot better and with someone to guide you, you will learn how to get into those poses you thought you couldn’t get into.
Bonnie
You can really hurt yourself doing yoga improperly so agree with going to an in-person class for beginners. If you’re opposed to that, stick with at home classes targeted for beginners. Rodney Yee has a good DVD for that.
Anon
Meh, you can find good and bad yoga instructors in person as well as online. I think exploring your comfort level at home before hitting a class is a fine idea. I would watch the video through first, seeing how much instruction is giving getting into the various asanas. Because especially as a newbie that can make all the difference in the benefits.
There is no in person guarantee that the yoga instructor you get is going to be better or will help versus hurting you.
Laura B
So I started doing yoga regularly (5-6/week) two years ago after never doing it before. Yoga ties breath to movement, and while you’re doing those slow stretches you’re paying more attention to your body than you normally do. I think your restlessness is probably just a result of this increased awareness to your body. You’ll get used to it.
I do think there’s a benefit to starting out doing a couple of simple practices via youtube videos – just make sure you’re doing the ones for beginners. There are a lot of great channels out there for this – YogaByCandance is a favorite of mine. The first studio I went to was a hot vinyasa studio with very dedicated practitioners (inversions and everything). The teacher was fantastic, so I left feeling encouraged and motivated (like I wanna do that!). However with some studios I’ve been to since then I would have been really intimidated and possibly wanted to stop if I had started with them, so I get wanting to start at home.
After you get familiar with some of the poses and names of them, then I do really agree that you should find a studio and try out some classes. The form matters most because you’re doing the postures over and over again. So a forward bend or down dog with poor form probably isn’t a big deal if you’re only doing it once, but if you repeat that over and over again every time you practice you’re going to mess up your body. That’s the biggest reason to get to a class.
Be careful which the kind of studio/class you pick so that you’re ready for their style of yoga. I’d stay away from Bikram and Ashantanga classes to start. Light vinyasa, hatha, and restorative classes are great for beginners and so incredibly relaxing. If you like heat, a hot yoga restorative class from a small studio is the greatest thing ever.
Anon
Yoga can feel different for different people, different types of yoga, etc. I suspect the extra stretching caused the light feeling, from the increased blood flow and break up of the fascia.
if you have trouble sleeping, try restorative yoga, which is essentially all supporting restful positions.
I used to have sore muscles after yoga, but after practicing for a while, I now feel very blissed out (yoga high) after practice.
Meow
Sort of a noob with yoga myself–it took me a while to realize that the breathing is supposed to be coordinated with certain moves and poses. Maybe that will help?
Anon
Is it rude to say to a (close) friend that you make good money — as in, I dislike my job but can’t really just walk away bc I’m making good money? Esp. when you know that friend likely makes about 1/2 or 3/4 of what you make — i.e. one is in finance and one is in a non profit.
Anonymous
I think “good money” is not a particularly thoughtful word choice but see nothing wrong with saying you don’t want to leave because all else aside the job makes sense financially.
Shopaholic
+1 I’ve said this to one of my friends before – but we’re really close. She has also admitted that she’s not willing to make the sacrifices I do for my job so there’s an element of choice/balance.
Anonymous
It’s not rude, but it may be an awkward overshare that’s likely to elicit an “I wish I had your problems” eye roll. Kind of like when I was unhappily single and my married friends would complain that their husband left a single dish in the sink, or bought a new suit (that they could easily afford) without consulting her first, or didn’t get the oil changed in her car.
H
Agreed. I said something similar about trying on wedding dresses in a certain size and my friend jumped all over me.
Anon
Yes. Unless you have significant financial obligations that you didn’t get yourself into (like caring for sick or financially unstable relatives) your friend is proof that people can live on less money, you simply prefer not to have that lifestyle – and that’s not a judgment of you, it’s just reality.
Anonymous
I think this is a bit simplistic. I think you can expect a close friend to understand that, for example, you have to pay rent and you have a year long lease, that you own a car that requires money etc.
I think omg can’t live on less impossible is not appropriate, but most of us work for the money to some extent and that’s a legit reason 96% of us actually turned up this morning.
Anon
This is a know your audience situation, and it would also depend on the context. Some people are comfortable talking about money, and some people aren’t (even with close friends). My friend group talks about money pretty openly. It’s very rarely in a braggy way, but rather just discussing promotions and strategies for paying off student loans, buying houses, or saving for retirement. It would still be weird if we were talking about a new movie and my friend out-of-nowhere told me she made “good money.”
Anon
I have a close friend who has been saying this lately in the exact same context. I don’t find it rude. But I also don’t want to discuss it or convince her that she CAN live on less money bc I know our values are different — I believe in doing what you want to do and accommodating your lifestyle accordingly; she believes in being scared to death — i.e. I have to do this and make money now bc what if the market turns and I can’t make as much later. Just different values – not rude in any way.
Nancy Raygun
I say this meaning “I make an amount of money I’m happy with,” but who know how other people interpret that. Everyone has different ideas about money and I don’t think you can control that.
anonanom
I think it depends a little on the context – I mean I’m pretty open with friends that I am selling out for money right now. I am paying off debt and throwing money in savings by doing a job that is stressful and takes over my life. But its a conscious decision, and I have a concrete end date. I have another friend who makes less than 1/2 what I do in a super HCOL city, and will tell you that she could definitely make more money, but the flexibility she has now is more important to her, and that’s the decision she made.
That said, if it is in the context of constant complaints about your job and how much you hate it and want out, then yes, it’s rude.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s rude. Surely each friend knows what the other does for a living.
Anonymous
I’d phrase it as you don’t want to walk away from the job because of the financial benefits. ‘can’t’ is very very rarely applicable. Unless you’re dressing yourself from Goodwill, commute with public transit and have at least two roommates, you actually can walk away you’re just, quite understandably, choosing not to.
Anonymous
Fwiw, I think it’s much more rude for Friend A to tell Friend B that Friend B shouldn’t complain about disliking her work because she makes good money. I’ve been Friend B in that situation. It’s like a slap in the face. If you’re going to expect me to listen to you complain about work, then don’t refuse to do the same for me just because I make more. With the caveat that I’m complaining about the job itself and not the money.
Pleated Skirt
I just bought my new favorite thing – a below-the-knee black pleated skirt. I feel fashion-y and feminine but still professional. Question to the fashionistas – how would you style it? Today I’m wearing it with nude-for-me (can we shorten that now? NFM?) pumps, a cream shell and a cream cardi and it is way too boring. Pinterest looks tend to be too far out – how would you wear this? It may help to add that I am an apple shape and don’t usually do waist-y looks, but this skirt seems to work.
Anonymous
Maybe with a color or print? Cream is dull as tears.
pugsnbourbon
I saw something similar in a magazine this weekend – they’d styled a dusty pink pleated midi skirt with a cream-colored blouse and a wide, edgy, black leather belt. Since it is kind of a femme piece, maybe add metallic or leather accessories to bring in some contrast.
teflon
I think there is a lot you can do, that skirt sounds like a great piece.
It may not be your style but I would wear with the skirt:
-a silky tie-neck blouse for a feminine outfit and a skinny belt
-a fitted knit/sweater to contrast the volume on the bottom in a darker neutral (burgundy, hunter green, navy)and a thick statement belt like pugsnbourbon suggests
– white button down with a statement watch and colorful heels
AIMS
I’d wear it as you describe but without the NFM (NFY?) shoes – try red or pink or some other fun color.
Bonnie
That does sound a little boring. Color, pattern, or at least some striking jewelry. To me, the key with longer skirts like that is to wear them with heels. I usually pair mine with black patent t-straps.
ChiLaw
What about a jewel tone? If it were me I would probably go for a very saturated purple top (scoop neck, elbow sleeves) with the skirt, and the NFM shoes.
Anonymama
Add a patterned scarf or colored necklace. Or a patterned shell, or a different colored cardigan. I tend towards buying solid neutral clothes, so have spent some time thinking of what would jazz up my typical boring outfit. And have found that I wear my patterned shells way more often than my neutral solid color ones, just because they go with more, and make it look like I am wearing an actual outfit rather than just clothes.
Moonstone
Headed to Boston and looking for restaurant recommendations. Two adults, no food restrictions, like to try to new things, doesn’t need to be fancy, and we will have time on our hands so any neighborhood is good. I’ll look through old comments as well, but I know there are lots of Boston ladies here with good taste. Thanks!
Anonymous
Couple of fun places to try out:
Island Creek Oyster Bar in Kenmore or Row 34 in the Seaport (allllll the oysters)
Banyan Bar & Refuge in the South End (particularly nice patio, delicious cocktails)
Sarma in Somerville or Oleana in Cambridge if you can get a reservation (both obscenely good Mediterranean/Middle Eastern food)
Capo/Lincoln/Loco in Southie for brunch
Myers & Chang in the South End (delicious Asian food)
Salty Pig (charcuterie and beer in the Back Bay)
BabyAssociate
+1 for Island Creek.
Go to Harpoon Brewery for delicious beer and pretzels!
Anonymous
Also Night Shift Brewery in Everett if you’ll have a car. Delicious beer, fun atmosphere, and there’s usually a food truck outside. It’s also across the street from Short Path Distillery, if you want to try that.
Grand Ten Distillery (in Southie) and Boston Harbor Distillery (in Dorchester) also both have nice tours and good cocktail bars.
Moonstone
Thanks very much!
AIMS
We had a really fun dinner at Giacomo’s, followed by cannoli (to go) at Mike’s Pastry. I was skeptical b/c not a huge fan of NY’s Little Italy but went at a local friend’s urging and really enjoyed. FYI – i think the restaurant was cash only.
Never too many shoes
Giacomo’s is so so good. The gnocci with goat cheese was sublime (and the wine so reasonably priced).
Also, Summer Shack. The pan roasted lobster with bourbon.
Anonymous
Gallows in the South End also has great brunch. And either of the Tiffani Faison restaurants — Sweet Cheeks or Tiger Mama, both by Fenway — would be good.
Anonymous
Alternative to the Old Navy Pixie pant? They just do not work for my body, and I’m looking for a cheapish business casual work pant. Gap is no longer making the “true straight” pant I used to love. :(
Anonymous
Athleta Palisades pant.
Minnie Beebe
LOFT Essential Skinny Ankle Pant – I prefer the straighter Marisa fit, but they have a slightly curvier fit as well.
pugsnbourbon
LOFT Essential Skinny Ankle Pant – I prefer the straighter Marisa fit, but they have a slightly curvier fit as well.
Minnie Beebe
Me, too. I *heart* grey.
Anonymous
I’m still looking for an ankle pant in grey. Anyone? Anyone? I’m pear shaped.
My current favorite ankle pant is on sale right now at Nordstrom for $40, in limited sizes.
Halogen slim stretch cotton ankle pants.
Black and a great wine color that transitions well to fall.
First Year Anon
Look at the Gap- skinny ankle pant, I think it is called.
HSAL
I only recently started wearing ankle pants, but I really love the Merona Modern Fit Ankle Pants from Target. I bought them in three colors.
Mariah
Yes! I have them in two colors.
Pants!
They don’t fit me either. I just bought the slim city pants from the Gap outlet that are a similar fabric but fit me better overall. So far I love them but have only worn them once. I also second LOFT pants.
Miz Swizz
I actually really like the Pixie pants but am looking for a better version of them. Any suggestions?
Senior Attorney
BR Sloan ankle pants.
Aurora
All my skinny/straight ankle pants are from the Limited or Loft. I love them both. Loft are generally more stretchy/less wrinkly, but the Limited ones are a bit more structured and professional looking. I’d recommend trying them on in store if you can.
anonymous
I have MBB interviews coming up in a few weeks. I’ve been doing cases with other applicants and have heard anecdotally that a lot of people focus on case prep to the detriment of the fit portion of the interview. Anyone have thoughts/advice about this or what else I can or should be doing to make this happen for me?
Anonymous
You have to do both, and do them both well. It’s a time investment.
If you don’t nail the case, then behavioral doesn’t matter. If you don’t ace the behavioral interview, the case doesn’t matter.
Anonymous
Adding…
Before I did every case that I practiced, I would run through two or three behavioral questions with my case partner and get feedback. Usually walk me through your resume and then one or two others.
Anonymous
Dedicating 2 hours a day 5 days a week until your interviews would be about right, given that you are just starting prep now.
It is a lot of time with everything that’s usually going on with school and life, but welcome to consulting. If you think putting in the time to prep for interviews is too tough, you may want to reconsider this industry.
anonymous
I don’t think dedicating the time is too much at all. And I’ve actually been prepping for about 6 weeks now. I just want to make sure I’m doing everything I can here. Thanks for your input.
Anonymous
No problem. From your initial question it seemed like you were trying to look for a reason to not invest as much time as you probably need… And if I interview anymore poorly prepared candidates, I will hit my head on the table :)
Leatty
Do you pay for news? I never have, but I’m annoyed by how few free articles I get from the more reputable news sources (WaPo, NYT, WSJ, etc). Alternatively, any recommendations for free and reputable news sources?
Anonymous
Clear your cookies or open them up in “private mode” in your browser.
Diana Barry
I do this, then start over when I need a new 5/10 articles.
Anon
Yes, I pay for new because when I receive valuable services I pay for them. Journalists deserve to make a living. Good grief.
Leatty
Of course they deserve to get paid, but not everyone has the financial ability to pay for news.
Anon
Journalists also have student loan debt. Would you like it if somebody sought out your work, praised it, and then refused to pay for it? NYT is $15/month. You can do it, if you respect their work.
Anon
Yeah, it’d be so much better if it was like the old days, before the internet, when paper newspapers were given away for free on street corners everywhere…
Oh, wait, no. You had to pay for those too.
Stop being cheap.
anon a mouse
If you can’t afford it, you don’t get it. Good journalism is hard and takes time and effort to get right. You are not entitled to it.
They offer a few articles a month in hopes that you will want to support the continued existence of the newsgathering organization, not so you will complain that you actually need more stuff for free. If you value it, put your money where your mouth is.
(now get off my lawn.)
Editrix
Crikey. What else do you think you’re entitled to without paying for it?
Anonymous
+1. You want to know why this country thinks everything can be distilled into 140 characters? Because real journalists are being chased out of the market by free “news” sources.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I pay for the NY Times and Washington Post. I also pay for daily delivery of my local paper.
I absolutely want to support real journalism and I think it’s some of the best money I spend.
cbackson
Ha, I do pay for news and am annoyed by how much of what I pay for the NYT gives away for free…
I pay for digital access to the NYT and FT and for digital + print WSJ. Journalists have to get paid somehow, you know?
Leatty
Very true. I know the journalism industry has been struggling in recent years, and journalists perform a valuable service. I think I am just struggling with the additional cost because I have significant student loan debt.
Anonymous
Sure you are sugar. A newspaper is totes the straw breaking your back.
Leatty
The snark really isn’t necessary. I didn’t say it was breaking my back. I said I have other financial obligations, and every expense adds up. I try to do a cost benefit analysis before purchasing anything, which I frankly think is a good practice.
Anon
Leatty- have you ever paid for content? Reason I ask is bc I suspect this may be Millennial issue.
Ughhhh
Millenial schmillenial. That question drives me bonkers. In the digital/information age there’s no reason to pay for things that you can get for free… Leatty, pay off your student loans at whatever soul crushing APR you’ve got THEN subscribe to whatever you feel like so you don’t have to deal with pop-up ads. It’s called personal finance, @Anon 11:40.
Leah
This is actually a thing. I have students who will scour the internet for hours thinking information must be out there rather than just paying the 99cents it would cost for a trial to get access to an article needed. The default thinking is that it must be available somewhere on the interwebs for free.
Leatty
I have not (until today).
Ughhhh
Two things @ Leah. 1) your students may not be Millenials, they may be Gen Z depending on what level/year you’re teaching. (Millenials and Gen Z are actually different generations and have different blanket characteristics!) 2) College costs have risen about 500% in the last 30 years while the average family income has risen only 115%. 99cents for an article for a single assignment is not an efficient use of funds. I will grant you that hours scouring the internet for a single free article is not an efficient use of time, of course. Your students would be better served heading to the college library and exploring the features of the computer lab that they’re already paying for in their tuition.
Anon
Yes I do pay for news, I have a sub for Economist, Times and WSJ. If you want reputable, thoughtful analysis why would you not want to support these publishers if you can. Obviously you appreciate the quality of analysis and understand the kind of work it takes to get a quality product available on a web platform since the ones that you have cited are all fabulous news outlets.
Some free ones that I read: Slate, Salon, Globe and Mail. Often, you can also copy and paste the headline into google news and click through for free. This can get tedious and doesn’t always work but this may be a work-around if you don’t care to subscribe.
anon
You’re annoyed? I know that we all like free stuff and the internet has made free content feel like the norm, but expecting reputable news sources (which have existed for decades and decades in other formats that you are required to pay for to access)to be free seems entitled. I mean….. do you expect reputable journalists to work for free?
The monthly subscription to NYT is like $15. Three coffees. 1 lunch at a restaurant. 5 gallons of gas.
Leatty
Fair points, thank you. I have never paid for news, and I have grown accustomed to free news (sometimes of dubious quality and often accompanied by ads) on the Internet. The older I get, the more I value quality journalism, so perhaps I will adjust my financial priorities accordingly.
Anonymous
NPR
Anonymous
+1
Although I end up donating $10 a month, so maybe it isn’t quite free
Anonn
Yes i pay for NYT and its like 4 bucks a week or something – totally doable. Please pay for your news so talented journalists can keep making a living keeping us informed instead of having to work for buzzfeed or some other listicle website.
KateMiddletown
I pay for the Skimm app. It’s $3/mo but I value their packaging.
Brunette Elle Woods
I just get the skimm daily emails. How does the app compare? As far as news consumption, I just “like” news sources on Facebook and get headlines and articles that way.
KateMiddletown
Elle – I like the Skimm app because you can get it at 6am ET vs. 6:30am, plus I like the calendar feature for popular culture event reminders (like being able to see when big Olympic events were on.) Plus I just think they’re an innovative way to reach women, and it’s a small cost to show my support. (And I haven’t really figured out how to cancel a recurring app purchase :)
blue
WaPo has online subscription sales every now and again — I think I paid $20/ year the first year and now it’s up to $30 or $40/ year.
Mpls
Free access to reputable news sources – Your public library. Might not be digital access, but most of them have a subscription to quite a few newspapers and magazines.
GCA
Millennial here. Recovering journalist (now in consulting). I pay for digital subs to Economist & Boston Globe (hometown news so it’s important to me to know what’s going on locally). Refusing to pay for NYT’s $4/month to me is like whining ‘I don’t have time to exercise’ (go read Laura Vanderkam – you do, it’s just not a priority for you).
People don’t pay for news not because there is no demand, but because of the oversupply, which to some extent is of lower quality. Vox et al do good work. But they still depend on boots-on-the-ground news outlets. Big national news outlets also depend a fair bit on small local ones.
Listicle sites – Buzzfeed makes $ off listicles (insofar as there is $ to be made off listicles these days) to subsidise its investigative reporting now. Cross-subsidies are not a new thing.
Davis
I pay for the Washington Post digital subscription. I value the efforts of the journalists and acknowledge that I can only get a limited number of articles on other sources. I don’t subscribe to multiple ones and I use an ad blocker without remorse.
Anonymous
I pay for delivery of my local paper because I think it’s important to support local journalism. I have three kids so 3/4 weeks it goes straight from mailbox to recycling bin.
Don’t pay for news online but only because I can’t be bothered with more log in info to remember. I would stop commenting here I had to log in as well. I wish news sites would figure out a way to allow access without yet more usernames and passwords to remember.
Anon
There are THIS many people who pay for news? Are you all over age 60? Bc the only people I know paying and getting old fashioned newspaper delivery are in that age demographic. I certainly don’t pay — that’s what Twitter is from. And before people jump all over me for not reading — magazines like Forbes make full articles available on Twitter, not just summaries; and I haven’t had issues getting unlimited news articles thru Twitter whereas those same newspapers allow only 10 free articles/month otherwise.
cbackson
I’m 35 and I’ve had at least one paid subscription to a newspaper since I moved out of the house at age 18.
Anonymous
Both of my parents are newspaper journalists. Both have worked their entire careers to provide quality, well-reported stories so that you can read a tweet and get a headline. AP and HuffPo reprint their reporting, but don’t have the real journalists to do the legwork. Their industries are dying because because it gave away their content for free for too long, and people like you are unwilling to support their work.
Anonymous
I should clarify — they don’t have *enough* real journalists in localities across the country to do the legwork.
Anon
I’m sorry but how is that my problem — their industry execs decided to give away content. If that was a bad business move for them, I’m sorry — but why should I personally support their work??
S-non
Because journalism (when done right) is an important check and balance to everything happening in this world. John Oliver just covered this topic a couple weeks ago.
Anonymous
Nice… Nice Anon.
Arguably the best, thorough news coverage is not for free, and is that easily accessible via Twitter. And for these sources to survive, we need to support them financially.
Judge-y much?
How old are you? Obviously clear you have a lot to learn.
Punctuates
Please go watch John Oliver’s piece on the journalism. People who place higher priority on tweets above real articles with substance impacts real people.
http://youtu.be/bq2_wSsDwkQ
Blonde Lawyer
Ever since watching that I can’t stop seeing all the click bait my local “real” news puts out a la “PUPPIES!!”
Anonymama
Most professionals I know (in their 30s) have digital subscriptions to at least one or two news sources. Their time is worth much more to them than the few bucks a week. They’d rather not waste time reading often crappier content on free sites, or having to click around to find a way to read an article for free from a subscription source.
Leatty
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I signed up for a paid subscription to the NYT a few minutes ago.
Editrix
The NYT thanks you. Seriously.
Anonymous
Well thanks! You’re the reason I’ve had family members who were journalists get laid off!
Leatty
I’m sorry your family went through that, but your comment isn’t fair. My dad was laid off from a local newspaper when I was in law school. My parents declared bankruptcy once they ran out of savings. I try to be careful with my money because of what they went through. That doesn’t mean that I’m solely responsible for what your family members went through.
anon
……………she doesn’t mean that you personally are responsible for her family members’ job losses. It’s people who believe that everything should be free.
There are lots of industries where people are “expected” to give their work away for free. Artists, photographers, musicians, writers, and now, journalists. Who hasn’t heard or said “I know it’s unpaid, but that’ll look great on your resume!” or “we can’t pay you, but it’ll be great exposure!” Would you ever say that to a dentist? No. People expect that they can obtain work like this for free, no questions asked. On the one hand, I get it….there are a million people who want to be artists. There are fewer people who want to be dentists. On the other hand, if a purchaser is receiving value from work, shouldn’t that person offer up valuable consideration for it? Millennials (I am one) are more accustomed to getting work “for free,” but we are also people who frequently have their work devalued (hello unpaid internships). I think it’s interesting that you are able draw a connection between your parents’ struggles and your wanting to save money but not between your parents’ struggles and the societal and economic forces that contributed to those struggles.
I’ve had an NYT subscription since they started making you get one to view content (so I was maybe 26?). Part of that is because I value the role of good journalism in society. Also, you’re getting more than just “news.” “News” is seeing a headline on Slate or Twitter or whatever that says “trump says something dumb,” or “something Isis Turkey” or “Obamacare upheld by SCOTUS.” Quality journalism gives you in-depth reporting and analysis that 140 characters simply can’t replace.
Anon
paying for digital NYT and recently subscribed to paper monthly Atlantic for more in depth
Impatient
Ugh. Offered what I thought was a good suggestion/reasonable solution in a meeting and it ended up being perceived as me way overstepping my boundries. Not what I was intending.
pugsnbourbon
Been there, done that. Still cringe a little when I think about it, but it’s a valuable lesson. The best thing is to leave it alone – apologize, if you need to, only once, and then try to move on mentally. Show that you’ve learned from the experience by your future actions, not your words.
And hey, it might not be as bad as you think! One person’s boundary-pushing is another person’s visionary thinking.
anon
do not apologize. i guarantee the men in that meeting have already forgotten about it. you are the only one that still remembers
Laura B
Well on the bright side, now you know where the line is.
And while you probably shouldn’t repeat it, I’ll second that it might not be as bad as you think. I was in a meeting with about 10 people a couple weeks ago where there was a younger engineer who jumped in with a series of suggestions that they thought were reasonable. The principle players (lead engineer, owner, and me) proceeded to shoot down basically all of her ideas, although I don’t think we were harsh about it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the lead engineer took her aside afterward and told her to knock it off. But I came away with a good impression of her overall (even if I do agree she was overstepping), whereas I wouldn’t have given her a second thought otherwise.
anon
please tell her this
Anon
How much do you make per hour? Take your gross income (inc bonus) and divide by actual number of hours worked per year.
Curious because DH and I make about the same income- but while he makes about 10% more, he works about 25% more hours. I also know there are a lot of big law ple here who when you do the math on hours actually make a pretty low hourly rate!
Anonymous
About $25/hr ($47k annual salary, 40 hrs/week; I divided by 48 weeks to account for holidays and vacations)
PhilanthropyGirl
I’m very similar – about $21/hr – but divided by 52 weeks since I’m technically being paid for that time. We have rolling PTO hours, so it’s more complicated to adjust for vacation time. I’d be at $23/hr if I used your 48 weeks as a guideline.
Nati
$33 for me.
CountC
$35/hr at 52 weeks, $38/hr at 48 weeks.
Nati
I divided by 52. By 48 it’d be $36. Hope this helps.
Anon
(Salary plus bonus) divided by (# of work days exclusive of vacation/stat. holidays multiplied by 9 hours/work day) = $108/hour.
Anon in Atlanta
Base pay around $190K for around 2400 hours/yr worked, so around $80/hour. Bonus excluded because it’s very contingent on company profits.
Anon
Hrm, I was doing it based on 2080 hours- so a presumed 40 hour workweek. Vs someone with a regularly 60 hour workweek (~3000 hours).
Amberwitch
About 100$ an hour: 8,5 hours x 52 weeks x 5 days – 35 days of vacation and public holidays.
It all depends on the exchange rate, though
Anne Elliott
$100/hr excluding stock.
Anon
Nothing like starting a day off with a text from an abusive ex to make me question whether mass extermination of abusive men would be that terrible of a thing.
Anonymous
That sounds reasonable to me. Sorry you had to see that. Is there a way to block his number?
Anon
That’s seemed like the nuclear option (as he’s already blocked on FB, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc), but I think I’m just gonna do it.
Anonymous
Block with no remorse!
2 Cents
If you can’t block his number, change his name to “DO NOT ANSWER.” I think there might be an iPhone setting to not see the text message preview when the phone is locked (if you have an iphone, naturally).
Anon
This was actually the problem- I had it set to Do Not Disturb, so it didn’t show me his message on my lock screen or as that I had two unread messages (it just showed I had one from someone else). I only saw it when I opened my text messages to text my mom and was thrown into a total irritated tailspin.
Blocked him. Thanks, all.
Anonymous
So I’d posted several days ago about “John who ghosted after 4 dates”. I just saw he went on a trip with this girl, who he’d called a “friend” and even introduced me to. She posted all these photos, tagging him on FB, and saying how she really likes him. In one photo, someone asked “when do we get a wedding invite?” and John “liked” it. In another, a friend commented that “now you just need to be in a white dress, not a blue one” and she was all “YES I HOPE SO”.
Ugh!
I was the side chick, apparently. Who knew? He asked me out, paid, and we dated and slept together. GROSS! I promptly blocked him on FB, but I feel very icky for having unwittingly facilitated John’s cheating.
So sometimes Hive, someone ghosts you because he is in a serious relationship. I feel especially icky because I’m divorced after my husband cheated on me with multiple women. I’ve never been unfaithful, and its very, very uncool.
BabyAssociate
Ugh indeed, really sorry this happened!
Anonymous
Sorry this happened to you and hugs!
Anon
He introduced you to his girlfriend?? How did that even come up?
Anonymous
OP here: he was volunteering at a community event and asked me to come by, saying he could take a volunteering break for a few minutes to see me. I stopped by and chatted with him and the “friend” for about 20 min. while we all listened to music. It didn’t seem suspicious because hello, who’s so brazen to do this? We’d also slept together 2 days before. I feel bad for the girlfriend.
Blonde Lawyer
How did he introduce you to her? Did he say “this is name” with no title before it? (Title being friend, gf, wife, etc.)
Anonymous
“This is Sally (not her name to protect the innocent). You both like yoga (not actual exercise class to protect the innocent)!” Then we chatted about where we both go to yoga. UGH
Anonymous
Message her to tell her. If I was her, I’d want to know.
Anonymous
I’m considering it. I honestly would have wanted to know about my ex-husband’s philandering sooner.
Anonymous
I’d keep it super simple so she doesn’t get creeped out but enough info so she can tell you’re not lying.
Like “Bob told me he was single. We went on 4 dates (X,Y,Z dates). From FB it seems clear that you are romantically involved with him. I had someone cheat on me before and I wished someone told me then so I’m telling you about this now. I’m not interested in any further contact with either of you.”
Senior Attorney
That sounds good.
Anon at 12:50
adding that this assumes that you know 100% (or very close to that) they were together while he was dating you. I read your post that way but it seems like other readers below think you’re guessing?
If you’re not reasonably sure they were together when he was dating you, I’d leave it alone.
a
I wouldn’t get involved. it sounds like it’s also possible (though not very likely) that they were good friends who just got together and got REALLY!TOGETHER!REALLY!FAST! Then you come off as out of left field and a little nutty by emailing her.
I’d leave it be and be glad you got out early.
Anonymous
Yes this.
Anonymous
This seems more likely. If my SO introduced me to some random chick as his “friend” I would correct that right quick. I can’t imagine just standing there like everything’s cool. It sounds like they were flirty friends, maybe even FWB, who just recently became more.
I did this.
When I found out the guy I slept with was dating someone at the time and didn’t tell me, I reached out and told her. I realize that’s dicey but it honestly couldn’t have gone better. She handled it amazingly – I wish we could have been friends! I think they stayed together for awhile (um, facebook stalking) but are no longer together. A couple of friends disagreed with me doing it, but I had to make the decision based on whether I’d want to know. And I would.
Anonymous
Oh my god people. How much do you love drama. No. Interact no further with any of these people. Move. On.
Anon at 12:50
I’m surprised by this. Obviously she doesn’t want to engage in communications/conversation with these people, but a brief one time message? If you were the GF, wouldn’t you want to know?
I’d hate it if people knew BF was cheating and said nothing to me.
Anonymous
She doesn’t know he was cheating, she doesn’t know these people, it’s not her problem, and no many people aren’t glad to hear the news.
Anonymous
She doesn’t know he was cheating. She doesn’t know for sure they were dating when she was seeing him, and even if they were they might have had an open relationship. I would want to know too, but because OP doesn’t know he was cheating I don’t think it’s her place to reach out.
New Tampanian
Oh I have one of those. We call him “Dead in a ditch Neil” because the story my friends and I tell is that he must have gotten into a terrible accident on his way home from work which is why he didn’t call or show up for our date.
January
Well, on the bright side, we did tell you it probably wasn’t about you. (I know, not much of a consolation).
I’m sorry this happened to you. *shakes fist at John*
Anonymous
Is it possible they were good “friends” (possibly with a history of being FWBs when they were both single) who suddenly committed to a real relationship? Their friends might be excited about the fact that they have officially committed to each other, which would explain the white dress comments. Because having a side piece is one thing but introducing your side piece to your GF really takes some balls…
I probably wouldn’t contact her just because of this possibility.
Anonymous
OP here –
he introduced her, and me, without any qualifiers. I wrote this above, but to elaborate, it was like “This is Anonymous. This is Sally. You both like yoga! Talk about yoga” and we chatted about what yoga studios we go to.
It could be that they weren’t dating/a couple. However, Sally’s FB consists of right wing and Christian memes…which kind of makes no sense because John is progressive and atheist. FWIW, I’m progressive and Christian but not particularly religious and have no problem with FWB situations as long as no one gets hurt. And no cheating! It may be me stereotyping, but Sally doesn’t seem to be the type of person who’d go for a FWB situation.
And they went on a week-long trip together literally less than a week after we last went on a date/slept together so I think its reasonable to assume a week-long, out of state trip was planned in advance. It all seems like they went on the trip as a couple, complete with ziplining and beer tasting expeditions all meticulously documented for FB.
Life Happens
I absolutely would tell in the exact way that you phrased it. And then move on. As a person who has been cheated on, I would have wanted to know and would have ended things sooner if I did. Good karma for you.
Nati
Yikes. I guess we can’t really be sure what was going on when you were dating him. As others have said, it’s possible that they were just friends or FWB at that time and have recently committed to one another. But regardless, I’m sorry this happened. Either way it’d make me feel pretty crap so just keep your chin up!
Instant Mom
I posted Friday but I think it got stuck in moderation and so yesterday I got a few comments asking me to repost today.
I’m a new mom and looking for part time work as an attorney and I’m having a hard time finding anything. My husband and I adopted three kids this year and after a 9 month maternity leave I’ve decided that full time lawyering is not going to work for our family.
I’d like to work about 30 hrs a week. Even better if I can telecommute. Part time is my priority but I’d also like to have a meaningful job, something feminist or progressive.
I’ve been working primarily as a legislative analyst though I have done some doc review on occasion too and I supervise more junior analysts and staff. My office is too small to let me work reduced hours. I can return to a former position that I dislike but it could be part time. I’d love to avoid that if possible.
So my question is where do people find part time work? Most advertised jobs are listed as full time. Or the pay is so low that I might as well work half time at the old job. My job skills aren’t seeming very transferable other than to maybe lobbyist or research and writing positions. I’d be fine with those but they’re all listed as full time. It seems like someone should be willing to hire as part time. Do I apply for FT jobs and then ask about PT if I get an offer?
Also if anyone has foster adoption questions I’m happy to help.
Davis
I’m not sure where you’re located, but have you applied at places that make telecommuting or PT a priority? The example I have in mind is the Geller Law Group, which some call a “virtual law firm”.
Another R
Another virtual option is Axiom. Although I’m still not clear how often they offer part time work.
Instant Mom
Thanks for this; I will look into Geller and Axiom. I did find and apply to one virtual office position but got a very nice rejection saying they may have something else that could be a good fit soon, so I’m hopeful but obviously nothing to count on. Is there a list somewhere of other organizations that are virtual offices?
Instant Mom
Geller and Axiom both look great, thank you both so much!!!
PhilanthropyGirl
Have you considered looking at NPOs? It would meet your criteria of meaningful, for a cause you care about – and you may have more luck at an NPO discussing PT because they’re looking to control their budgets.
Instant Mom
Yes, definitely. I’ve finished one app and am in the midst of a few others. Any tips on how to figure out something reasonable to list for the salary requirements? I’m fairly certain moving to an NPO will be a big pay cut, and I am having a hard time even knowing what to expect. I’ve checked payscale and glassdoor but is there something more reliable?
AIMS
What about something in government? It’s not always advertised as such but may be easier to do or you can start with more stable hours and then ask about going to PT after you’ve been there a bit. I know two women who had a “job share” working in the courts – basically working for one judge, alternating days – but I am not sure how that situation came to be. They said it was not uncommon though.
Instant Mom
Everything I’ve seen in government jobs has been listed as full time. I am wondering whether starting FT and then switching to PT would be the best scenario, but I’d need to scope out possibilities of PT before relying on that.
Anon
I have rarely seen part time or work from home legal jobs advertised. The people that I know who have them got them by working full time someplace for a while and then working out a p/t or WOH arrangement — whether with private firms or govt or in house. If you don’t have that with a current employer, then I think all you can do is (i) try to get in with one of those virtual law firms; (ii) pick up contract doc review gigs; or (iii) apply for regular things and then if you make it to the 2nd/3rd round announce that you’ll need P/T or WOH. Though if you do (iii) be ready for lots of places to just not call you back — the legal market is still tight and no employer needs to be that flexible. The only employer I could see going for it (even though they didn’t originally consider it) would be a senior status judge looking for a career clerk — sometimes they don’t have enough work to keep someone busy 40 hrs/wk.
Are you tied to be an attorney? There were 2 women I knew when I clerk who job shared for my judge — one was his court reporter 10 days/month, the other was for the other 10 days/month. Court reporting generally is P/T in that even if you work for a depo agency — you don’t have a depo daily; and once the depo is over, finalizing the transcript is done from home.
Instant Mom
Thanks for this info; I was wondering about how the legal market is. A law school buddy recently told me doing contract doc review is tough right now; she said the pay has gone down drastically in the last 10 years.
Good idea on a senior status judge; I’ll check to see if there are any nearby. The judge I clerked for after law school has offered me a half time job but it requires moving cross country and it’s just not worth the upheaval on the family right now.
Definitely willing to explore other careers. Court reporting is an idea I hadn’t thought of. I’m hoping to find something more meaningful.
Anonymous
Could you leverage your contact with the judge to find something locally? Would they be willing to write a letter of introduction/recommendation for you and send it to a few judges in your area?
Instant Mom
That’s a good idea! I’ll see if there are any judges here who I’d want to work for and then ask my judge.
a
I’m not entirely clear, but have you asked your current job/boss about part-time/reduced schedule? In my experience, it’s much easier to go PT at current job than try to find a new, PT role. Think about creative solutions (e.g., job sharing, keeping a portion of your responsibilities and seeing if others can be offloaded, etc.)
I’d make sure you have exhausted the avenue of staying on a reduced schedule before moving to look at different options. Once that’s exhausted, you’re also more able to talk to your boss/coworkers/etc. about networking into a new role, as you can say, directly, “I’d love to work 30 hours a week, and unfortunately that’s not in the cards here because of [reasons]. Do you have any thoughts about other agencies/companies/etc. where I might be able to do this kind of work on that kind of schedule?”
Instant Mom
Yes, I have asked, and then even asked for a reconsideration when told no. I’ve definitely exhausted this. I hadn’t thought about just asking my boss for suggestions. Thanks for that idea. I think I’m not quite there yet but almost. I guess maybe I’m too chicken to actually say “I’m quitting” unless I have something else lined up.
Anonymous
I have no advice but three kids?! Holy heck. Good for you.
Instant Mom
Thanks! It was a really rough time at first but things are finally going smoothly. Just in time for summer to end and reality to start :-(
OCAssociate
Where are you located? In Southern California a group called Montage works with freelance attorneys who want to do high-level legal work (not just document review) and have control over their hours. I believe they’re extending to NYC now. It’s not the same as working for a firm, but can be a good option if you can’t find part-time work with a firm/organization.
Instant Mom
Thank you! That could be perfect!!! I had looked into freelance work on upwork but it seemed like the pay rate was pretty low. I’ll definitely be looking into Montage!
HQB
There’s also a company called “The Mom Project” that connects businesses looking for part-time or contract work (in various fields – consulting, HR, finance, etc.) with professional women looking for flexible or non-standard work opportunities. https://www.themomproject.com/faq
Instant Mom
Interesting concept, I’ll add it to the list. Thank you!
Anonymous
I work part time for a small law firm. The firm has a few part time employees and a few contract employees for overflow. If you have any small firm attorneys or solo practitioners in your network, maybe consider pitching them? My job was not posted, I found it by word of mouth.
Anonymous
This is a great idea. I have two law school friends who are solo practioners who are turning away work but it’s not enough to occupy a full time position so they haven’t added anyone. Pitch yourself to a few smaller firms/solo practioners if this is something you’re consider. If the kids are all in school you could offer to do 10-2 everyday or similar.
Instant Mom
Thank you both for this idea too. I will certainly keep it in mind.
Thank you all so much for the advice! I’ve got more of a plan for how to handle this job search now. I really appreciate it.