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Updated: Jan 9, 2024 155 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Escada

Suit of the Week

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Escada business suit

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Oooooh: Escada knows how to deliver an interesting but classy suit. I love the pintucks on this stylish blazer, and the dress is a-ma-zing also.

Something about the pintucking makes me feel like a brooch would be the perfect statement jewelry for the outfit. 

The blazer (Escada Pintuck Blazer) is $1875 at Saks Fifth Avenue, and the pants (Escada Flared Trousers) are $795; the matching dress is $1095. All are available in sizes 32-48.

Tough act to follow! Here is a very similar blazer that's more affordable … but it is listed in euros and ships from Italy.

(L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

    • Big 4

      Help me here. The jacket is lovely. The dress is lovely. I wouldn’t wear them together though. Actually, the only dresses that seem to work under jackets (to me) are dresses that are sleeveless or have very tiny or tight sleeves (if long). Otherwise, it’s been a hot mess of bunching, even if the jacket is lined.

    • Lo

      Watched The Good Wife only for Alicia’s wardrobe. I wanted her whole closet.

    • New Tampanian

      My favorite sheath dresses have interesting necklines like Alicia’s. They make me feel powerful.

  3. Anonymous

    Anyone have any experience with Brilliant Earth gemstone rings? I’ve been casually browsing for a milestone anniversary “gift” (haha) and they have some gorgeous ones, but I feel like I’ve heard something bad about them and I can’t remember if it was here or elsewhere.

    • anon

      No experience with gemstone rings, but I’ve purchased a diamond from the company and had a really great experience.

    • S

      Got my engagement ring and wedding band there. Based on my experience, I highly recommend. The rings are beautiful, I like their values and the customer service was excellent.

    • S

      In moderation and don’t know why – I had a great experience buying from there.

    • Wildkitten

      Someone here had a bad experience but that’s the only bad experience I’ve heard of.

    • rosie

      I have a diamond necklace from there; a friend got her engagement ring there. Both good experiences.

  4. CPA Lady

    Wow, this is gorgeous. And A+ for them styling it with appropriate shoes, rather than those weird strappy black sandals that seem to be the default for everything.

  6. Trish

    Shopping help please! I have been invited to present at a legal conference and need help with a sharp outfit. I don’t want to wear what I wear to court – the standard matching blazer with a skirt or trousers. What I want is maybe a dress in expensive looking fabric that will flatter my petite pear shape.

  7. Big 4

    Can any one describe the dress code of the Big 4 accounting firms? Does it matter if you are in accounting or some other service (or onsite with clients)?

    I have shared elevator space with 1 of them (southern US city) and the outfits worn ranged from suits to yoga pants and flipflops. Maybe some of these people were visitors / interviewing / calling on Big 4 for business? But it was the widest range I’ve seen.

    A lot of people there seemed to be on their first jobs, but no more than 50%. I have a much-younger cousin who will be interning there while getting a masters of accountancy and wants to know how to dress . . . My guess is The Skirt + shell/blouse + well-conditioned low heels (not scuffed Revas and not 3″ heels), or something similar with tailored pants. I figured someone here would know.

    • Anonymous

      The nicer end of business casual. The Skirt is fine. As an intern, I wouldn’t wear a sleeveless blouse unless it’s covered by a cardigan (a normal one, not a shrug or a long boyfriend cardigan) or a blazer. Dress pants are of course fine instead of skirts. 3″ heels or flats are both fine, assuming they look professional and you can walk in them. I would wear definitely a suit on the first day.

      • big4dress

        +1 for Big 4 in an east coast city. Client visits are usually the same as office wear – dress pants/skirt/sheath, cardigan, and low heels or flats are typical. Blazers not necessary for day-to-day but obviously acceptable. Auditors at a client site for a while may be slightly more casual, but would depend on the client. For presentations or pitches, a full suit but not super stuffy.

    • CPA Lady

      I worked in a large regional public accounting firm, not big 4, but I would imagine had a similar dress code. I typically wore a pencil skirt, shell, and cardigan. We were on the business side of business casual. The partners and managers dressed more nicely because they had client meetings. As a staff/senior level person in the tax department, I was not allowed to talk to clients. Obviously it was different for the assurance department peon level people who went out to clients. The only time the dress code was relaxed was during the push to big deadlines (think the two weeks prior to April 15th) but even so I only ever wore yoga pants when I was there on a Saturday or Sunday.

      • CPA Lady

        (I would not recommend she wear yoga pants on the weekend until she makes sure it’s OK though)

      • CPA Lady

        I keep thinking of other things to say… The assurance people had a dress code based on the clients they were visiting. So, for example, if they were going to be counting inventory in an un-air conditioned warehouse, the dress code was going to be casual and comfortable for that environment, but if they were auditing a bank, it might be necessary to wear a suit. She definitely should have at least one suit both for the first day and if she goes to any professional events with her coworkers.

    • Lo

      I prefer cropped slacks, low plain black leather heels 2.5″ heel (not scuffed – banana republic has many that hold up really well), with a polka dot blouse (or something youthful in the print since she is young, but still professional.) Love H&M for these kind of tops. Conversely could do a solid color collared shirt. With a well fitted black blazer and a string of pearls. Ole faithful outfit for me when working at law firms.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on in the office versus at the client.

      At the office, a lot of the firm’s in LA have adopted business casual including jeans. I usually will wear a blazer over mine so I keep it looking professional. There is a wide range though, and I do silently judge the short skirts, inappropriate shoes and generally poor choices that I see as I walk through the halls.

      At the client, it could be anything from business formal to casual.

    • Anonymous

      At my firm, consultants are usually the sharpest dresses, than assurance, then tax. So, the bar to aim for might not be that high.

    • baseballfan

      Dress code at my firm (big 4) is jeans every day. This is US-wide. They expect it to be on the business casual side of jeans (flats, nice blouse, jacket or cardigan, sport jackets for men are common). I would never expect to see someone in yoga pants or flip flops.

      This is in the office, when visiting a client, you dress the same as the client or preferably a step above. I personally always wear a suit or at least a jacket to clients.

      We had an intern who wore a full suit every day. And carried a briefcase. While I am sure he was trying to make a good impression, a full suit in an office of jeans was a little much. He did good work and nobody really minded that he was so overdressed, but it was unnecessary.

    • cbackson

      If you’re thinking of PWC in Atlanta, there is an Exhale (yoga/barre/spin/etc.) downstairs, so you may have seen folks on their way to and from their workouts.

    • Anonymous

      Late to this but my big 4 office has no dress code, so in the office there are a lot of jeans etc, particularly for non-client facing departments and support staff. At clients it depends on their dress code – some days I wear a full suit, some are jeans/casual, but most days I wear a pencil skirt/pants and blouse with heels, jacket depending on the outfit/weather. Suits for board/new client meetings. A suit with tie and briefcase is standard for guys in my department no matter the day, they all seem to be in a silent war over who can dress best.

      My recommendation would be for your cousin to ask the people they’re working with what the dress code is, particularly if going to clients. Totally normal (I still ask around even after 10 years here) as nobody wants to be the person in a suit when everyone’s in jeans, or vice versa.

  8. Meow

    Every time I’m like OH YES on an outfit pick its Escada. Champagne tastes on a beer budget -__-

    • anon anon

      Suss out local consignment shops. I found a beautiful pantsuit in charcoal with a pastel pink and white pinstripe.

  9. Midwest Anon

    Recommendations for what to wear on a firm outing to a baseball game with clients? I’m at a regional midlaw firm and will be attending a MLB game (daytime game during a weekday, if that matters) in the private box of a banking client. I don’t want to be overdressed but my more casual clothes are borderline inappropriate since I’m 18 weeks pregnant.

  10. Just keep swimming

    Any opinions about what is going on with Ryan Lochte?

    I’m having a bad week at work and I find myself coming up with crazy theories to distract myself :)

    • Anonymous

      One of the rumors is that they were robbed while or after visiting an abode of the feline variety, hence the reluctance to report.

      • Anonymous

        Is that a euphemism for brothel? I’ve never heard that term. Or is something sketchy that actually involves cats??

    • ELaw

      Do share your theories!

      I read an article about it earlier this morning and was gobsmacked. Why are the police spending their time investigating whether or not he was actually robbed instead of trying to pursue the thief??

      My boyfriend was also robbed at gunpoint in Rio towards the end of last year …. and then a few nights later at knife point.

    • Anonymous

      I was wondering this too! It seems so weird that he (and three other people) would make the whole thing up – what do they gain from that? – but the inconsistencies are really starting to add up. I still can’t come up with a motive for a false claim though. What are your crazy theories?

      • ELaw

        Link to a good article about said inconsistencies? The one I read this morning didn’t actually say what was inconsistent.

        • Anonymous

          Their stories didn’t quite match up. Lochte said there was a single robber, another swimmer said there were several robbers. There’s video of them returning to the Olympic Village right afterwards, looking happy and joking with each other. The Daily Mail also claims they had the wallets that had supposedly been stolen when they returned to the Olympic Village, but I’m not sure what the source for that is – I haven’t seen any photos or videos that show that.

          I definitely think there’s a good chance it did happen exactly as they said it did and the police are trying push blame on the swimmers to save face. After all, they admit they were drunk so is it really surprising that they couldn’t give police details that would lead to eyewitnesses?

          Another strong possibility in my mind is that they were really robbed but not when/where they say they were, and they changed the time or location to cover up some unsavory activity they were engaged in. That would explain why the police can’t find witnesses and why they look happy in the video after the supposed robbery.

      • Just keep swimming

        Mostly illicit drug use (games are over for them, right? why not!), ladies of the night, publicity, and also the Rio justice system being utterly corrupt. So, I guess they’re not all that crazy. But I am intrigued!

        • Anonymous

          They can be drug tested at any time, so he would be extremely stupid to use drugs at the Olympics. I’m not putting it past him, though.

          • Wildkitten

            But do they get in trouble for marijuana after the olympics? I remember for NCAA rules it was only a problem if you used performance-enhancing drugs, not random drugs like weed (which doesn’t make you swim faster.)

        • Anon

          They can be drug tested any time, but does it matter after the Olympics? I think he was on the final relay on Saturday with Phelps and they are drug tested immediately after they win a medal — apparently whoever the drug tester is does not let them out of their sight from the moment until they leave the pool; talk to the media; do medal ceremonies; and eventually give a sample. He was already done that on Saturday night, so if he wanted to go smoke it wouldn’t get him stripped of his medal. I think it’s possible they weren’t at France House (which I bet France could verify) as they said but were at some non Olympics related party or w ladies of the night or something like that. Then they got robbed and made up a story and of course the details don’t match if the statements weren’t taken together – which they probably weren’t. Also wonder if Gunner Betz and Jack Conger have said something to raise suspicion of the other 2 — they aren’t under the passport order that Lochte and Feigen are.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand how a judge can order a victim to hand over his passport. No charges have been lobbied against him, so how is that even legal? I’m glad he got home before the order was entered.

    • Anon

      Feel kinda bad for Jimmy Feigen. Ryan cut his trip short and got out of there and was just seen in North Carolina this afternoon. Feigen is still stuck there . . . for who knows how long.

      • Wildkitten

        I hope he gets to come home soon, and we don’t have to send Bill Clinton down there to negotiate for his release like we did with the journalists in North Korea in 2009. (Only half-facetious).

    • Charlie Rhoades

      Late to this party, but I’m not sure I care. Having lived in Latin America for 4+ years, I suspect that local police often don’t even bother to investigate this type of crime because it’s so common. I believe that it happened AND that no one can corroborate anything about it. Both things can and are often true in Latin American (and probably the US as well, at times).

      • ELaw

        Oh, agree! But to me there’s something extraordinary about not just _not investigating_ but instead investigating the victims and attempting to confiscate their passports despite the fact that they have not been charged with any crime.

  11. Essential Oil Evangelists

    I think you are a nice person, but I now also think you are an idiot.

    • Anonymous

      I think the ones who say the oils can cure diseases are idiots. I have some friends who swear that essential oils help with their insomnia and I can believe that (although I wouldn’t try it personally, because I have asthma and hate scents/perfumes).

      • Edna Mazur

        Yup, definitely talking about the disease curing (like thinks it is curing MS and Crohns) variety.

        • 2 Cents

          As someone with MS, agree +1,000,000
          To anyone who’s like “just do this and you’ll be cured.” Um, no. That’s not how it works.

    • Meow

      Yes. That being said, I use them in a diffuser for my office because candles are verboten.

    • Cat

      OMG yes. My husband’s cousin got into it this past year and I had to unfollow her on facebook because every other day it’s more crap about how her teeth are brighter / her toddler’s cold was shortened / she doesn’t need allergy medicine / her food is staying fresh longer SHUT UP SHUT UP

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Her food is staying fresh longer? Most (all?) essential oils are dangerous to ingest, how would this work? Yikes.

  12. Edna Mazur

    I know there are a lot of civic minded legal ladies here and just wanted to pass along-

    My bar’s SOLACE program sent out a notice that the Louisiana SOLACE program is seeking help for their legal community impacted by the flooding, specifically gift cards. We were provided the following address:

    Flood Relief 2016 Grant Applications
    Baton Rouge Bar Foundation
    P. O. Box 2241
    Baton Rouge, LA 70821.

    • NOLA

      There are so many ways to give. Zeus’ Place, here in New Orleans, is saving so many animals from flooded shelters and they desperately needs funds for veterinary care and spay/neuter. I have been taking donations there (food, litter, etc.) and directing people there to temp foster. Also, UMCOR is a great place to donate for flood buckets. A flood bucket is $65. There is a GoFundMe for members of the Baton Rouge Symphony who lost their instruments as well. Shelters are in need of diapers, children’s underwear, baby formula.

  13. Lo

    Please help me understand if this friendship is reciprocal. Have a friend that I have known for almost 10 years. Said friend and I only converse sporadically. She does not discuss her marriage, family etc very much. I tried to discuss mine (not in-depth obviously such as intimate details), but she almost does not acknowledge she is married at all, due to the fact she never speaks about him. Nor does she discuss her family either. Now that she has a newborn she has seemingly given up on her career path, so there are no discussions about career, ambition etc. When she had her baby shower ( in another state) I sent her lots of gifts that arrived the week prior to her shower. since I couldn’t make the shower. I also asked her to be a bridesmaid for which she did drive 4 hours to attend, and let as soon as the reception started due to not wanting to drive at night. Other than that, a few conversations sporadically about nothing at all really, the weather, small talk like “how are you?” “great, you?” “fine.” and end of convo. This is how most of the convos go.. I have spoken about my family (dysfunction), generally career details, etc, things you would tell/confide in a friend in order to open the door for more detailed/confidant sort of conversations, but she still gives short responses to this. Have tried to discuss interests such as cooking, going out, girly things etc. Said friend has little to no hobbies, does not do much self upkeep (hair, not remotely interested in fashion – dressing well – not instyle obsession level. also wears not a stitch of makeup etc) – so not able to relate on this level either despite trying. Decided to stop initatiating contact with said friend, however at least three times she initiated conversation only to be short, nonchalant and only converse in small talk… Should I just cut said friend off completely? This is what I want to do because theres no real relationship here. Not even sure why she keeps contacting me when she is so noncommittal to the friendship. Any advice would help. I should add she has two other close friends she met at school who she seems to go the extra mile for (they go on trips, call one another, they threw her shower, attend events together.)

    • CountC

      It sounds like you have put forth way more energy into this friendship. Whether that’s okay with you is up to you top decide, and it sounds like you have decided it’s not okay with you. I would just let it go. Answer her questions/initiations with same type of short answer. What is left of or whatever there was of the friendship will likely naturally die off.

      • Lo

        Thanks, I was thinking the same thing. Every time I see a message from her I get sick to my stomach and feel used (mainly due to the fact I have been so open/personal with her, in effort to cultivate the friendship). just want to get thoughts so I know I am not overreacting.

        • Anon

          You feel sick to your stomach when you see a message from her? That seems irrational.

          • Lo

            Hmm, no I don’t agree. If you have a friend or anyone really that you feel is sticking around for a transactional reason perhaps, not because they care/value your friendship; don’t see how that isn’t nauseating. Then again, I don’t use people so that behavior is just that sickening to me.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I think it’s fine if you want to end the friendship. I’m not clear on why you think she’s using you though.

          • Lo

            Also – due to confiding in someone and only for them to respond curtly. Makes sense to me.

          • Anon

            Yeah, you’re definitely overreacting and it sounds like you’ve invested way more into this relationship than she ever has. It sounds to me like this relationship was likely always one-sided and she’s just felt obligated to participate out of guilt (being in your wedding, but not staying long, reaching out to you in a perfunctory way) because you seem to have latched on to her quickly (sharing a lot of personal info without reciprocation). I question why you ever included her in your wedding in the first place.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, she’s just not that into you. And that’s fine. When she does bother to contact you, keep your side of the conversation brief and noncommittal, and things should taper off naturally as CountC said. You don’t need to have a big dramatic “we’re not longer friends” talk with her.

      • Lo

        Yeah, and I am not the type to confront people whatsoever. Just not getting why she is so persistent to contact only to be cold. That is the part I am just not understanding/finding bizarre.

          • Lo

            Agreed, also part of which I am even given this as much thought as I am. almost 10 years is a long time to know someone. Especially pre-marriage, pre-babies, pre-career etc.

    • Godzilla

      She could be socially awkward and doesn’t know how to friendship OR she doesn’t like you.

      • Lo

        So I am fine with any of those reasons lol, but she isn’t socially awkward because I have seen her in action and has 2 really close friends who she does elaborate friendship-y type things with and if she doesn’t like me, which I am 100% okay with, why contact me, persistently at that. THAT is where the confusion stems from. For example, did not response to her last 2 texts in July and this morning woke up to a message from her saying “It’s been so long!” I feel silly for even discussing said friend. I am just the type of person that is all or nothing. If you’re my friend, I am 100% playing that role. So the wish-washy thing I find bizarre. Another theory is she wants to maintain the relationship for “use” later. Is that irrational?

        • CountC

          I think it’s important to remember that not everyone is like you (which is okay) and not everyone is going to approach a friendship like you (also okay). It sounds like you are holding her to standards which you hold yourself to in friendships. That’s not going to work, especially if you don’t make her aware of the standards so she can decide whether she wants to live with them or not.

          All of that said, I still think that you should just let it go and think more about why you are so emotionally invested in someone that by all accounts here has not shown a great interest in being a meaningful friend for/to you.

          • Lo

            Thanks for your advice. I am definitely emotionally invested because like you said, I tend to hold people to the standards that I set for myself. Which to me are common sense. But that said, definitely will trust my gut, and take all your lovely advice into consideration and let said friend go. I know what I need from a friend is the same I would give. I live by the rule “Do for others everything you would want them to do for you.” Thanks again.

          • Anonymous

            Many people are not ‘all or nothing’. I have a few close friends that I share personal details with. I have other friends where I have a long history and we were close many years ago. I still consider them friends and enjoy catching up from time to time with the news in their lives – although that mostly occurs via Facebook these days.

            Every friend doesn’t have to be a ‘best’ friend. It appears that you have a different view of the friendship from her and you need to figure out if you’re interested in maintaining occasional casual contact or if you’d rather eliminate her from your life entirely. She’s made it pretty clear through her actions that she’s not interested in a close friendship. Given that she recently had a baby, I can’t imagine she’ll have more time available to devote to friendships anytime soon.

        • January

          Google “breadcrumbing.” There was a piece in the NYT Style section on this not too long ago (though I think it was more focused on a dating context than friendship).

          Are the other two close friends more geographically distant? It’s possible she doesn’t like you that much, either,* but it is hard for her to make friends and you are the only one she has in this area.

          Also, since the relationship seems to stress you out, it’s probably not worth giving it all that much thought.

          *I got the impression from your first comment that you don’t actually like her that much. Apologies if I am wrong.

          • Lo

            Very interesting, had no idea “bread crumbing” was even a thing, also very happy with the site that came up accompanied by gifs. LOL. I do like her as an individual; it’s just her behavior is pretty off-putting. As an analytical thinker it dwindles my like/admiration for her as a friend. Now its more of a bizarre, icky strange situation. One of the friends is close but the other one is in another state. “but it is hard for her to make friends and you are the only one she has in this area.” to me, this is very probable. Especially since becoming a mother. She’s not socially awkward, but not a 100% extrovert either. Thanks for shedding light on things I hadn’t considered before. She is definitely getting cut off, but this is helpful to comprehend the behavior. (I have not experienced this sort of thing before. Others friendships they have been mature, communicative and open) I also make friends/comfortable with networking etc. all very easily.

          • Socially Adept Introvert

            Uh – the opposite of extrovert is not socially awkward.

            Signed, Socially Adept Introvert who likes people and is friends but is sometimes happy to spend a weekend in her apartment all by herself doing non-social things.

        • Godzilla

          Piling on, so what if she behaves a certain way with other people? I don’t behave the same way with every friend, even if they’re all in the same category of friend. H3ll, I don’t even treat my siblings the same. Comparing your relationship with other relationships makes no sense. As long as she treats you with respect and you like each other, I think that’s a valid friendship. Are you as close as you’d like to be? Apparently not. But that’s okay.

    • Anonymous

      You can make it reciprocal by limiting the amount of energy you put into this friendship. She is treating you like an acquaintance. So do the same. I was a little surprised to see that you’re thinking about cutting her out altogether when it doesn’t sound like she’s done anything egregious and she’s still periodically reaching out to you. Just downgrade her to acquaintance status and let go of these expectations you’re holding her to.

      • ?

        The amount of analysis you’re putting into this on a message board seems weird to me. I’m saying that to OP.

        • Lo

          Please read my below comment for clarification. And obviously I am asking here because I am not confrontational nor would I ask our mutual friends advice on how to/where or not I should cut off a friend. Thanks.

          • ?

            That’s fine, I just think the whole tone of your post is bizarre. “Please help me understand if this friendship is reciprocal?” WHAT? You know the answer here, girl! She left your wedding reception because she “didn’t want to drive at night”? Huge red flag among others. I feel for you – it’s hard to let go of friendships or acknowledge that they’ve changed (you don’t need to do the former but the latter is essential). I think it’s important to show symmetry in relationships to a certain degree. Ie. you mirror her behaviour and tone and don’t overinvest to this degree so that you have to spend your afternoon analyzing things on a message board.

      • ELaw

        So, I both agree with this advice and understand why someone might not want to take it.

        I have a somewhat similar situation to the OP: a woman I have been friends with for well over a decade, and who I used to be extremely close with, has recently made it clear she’s just not that into me anymore. Rationally, I can tell myself that people drift apart; it’s not necessarily a reflection on either of us that this is happening; she probably doesn’t intend to be hurtful; that I should “let go” of my expectation of continuing closeness because it’s clearly just not there anymore. On the other hand, I have found that re-categorizing a friend like this is really not that easy to do emotionally and that her distance _is_ hurtful. I personally have decided that with this friend I just need to give myself time for the re-categorizing to sink in, but I get why someone might want to cut off contact instead.

        So, OP, while I agree with this anon at 4:17 that it doesn’t sound like you need to cut this friend off entirely, if you’d prefer to do that than continue your tepid acquaintanceship, I get it.

        • Lo

          THANK YOU. Some of these advices are making me seem like some kind of nut for even caring about this. It IS hurtful to part/re-categorize/etc a friend of over 10 years! Especially one who your family/spouse etc is very acquainted with! UGH. sorry to be so annoyed but geez. This is a perfectly rational issue. Starting to regret even bringing it here.

          • Dupotienne

            Not sure why people are not understanding this. Makes sense to me completely.

      • Lo

        I see your point, everyone has their own idea of friendship and this is mine. Like I said before, we have known each other for 10 years and as I clarified below at one point we were close. So no, I’d prefer not to have an acquaintance – kind of friendship with this person :)

        • anon @4:17

          I understand, but I think that’s a really limiting view of a long-time relationship. Relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes you’re not going to be as close as you’d like to be, and sometimes you’ll be very close. It’s a shame to completely cut off the possibility of becoming close again at some distant future date. Fwiw, I have a couple of “friends” like this and I know that the letting-go process is painful. But every time I see those friends, I’m so happy that I didn’t completely cut them out.

          • ?

            Yeah, the only time I’d cut someone out of my life was if they were actively treating me badly. In this case it just seems like she’s less invested in the friendship. Maybe her priorities are different right now, etc. I don’t get why it has to be so black and white? But if that’s your “standard” then that’s your standard.

    • Lo

      OK LET ME CLARIFY FOR THE COMMENT SAYING I LATCHED ON QUICKLY.

      – We were EXTREMELY close in college! So NO I am not some nut that latched onto a stranger quickly. We had a strong relationship back then and did ALOT together while in college and grad school. Somewhere after grad school things/her behavior got strange as I described above.

      Also, when I said use, I didn’t want to say so, but due to my own career/connections etc! Her career/education stalled once she got married and a screeching halt when she had her kid. Didn’t think these details would help paint a better picture for the question at hand, but clearly is needed for all the questions confused as to why I care so much!

    • life's too short

      What did you used to talk to her about? She sounds awful, frankly. I wouldn’t cut her off, because that’s too much work. I would avoid her calls and just send holiday cards. Shift to a social media only friendship.

      • Lo

        Back then, sororities, went out together, the frat boys we were dating. Also were there for each other when those relationship (which were serious relationships) ended. Spring break Eric. Discussed school – we were the same major/ had the same career goals. Went to a private school with emphasis on success which was also very close knit, so a lot of time spent together and with mutual friends. We stayed friends even after we got out of the “sorority girl” phase because we had the same values, and same interests and goals etc and was good for a while then the strangeness ensued. Deflecting, distancing, ghosting etc all the strange things of being guarded and no there was never a falling out etc nothing like that.

    • Lo

      Anon :
      08/17/2016 at 4:37 pm
      Yeah, you’re definitely overreacting and it sounds like you’ve invested way more into this relationship than she ever has. It sounds to me like this relationship was likely always one-sided and she’s just felt obligated to participate out of guilt (being in your wedding, but not staying long, reaching out to you in a perfunctory way) because you seem to have latched on to her quickly (sharing a lot of personal info without reciprocation). I question why you ever included her in your wedding in the first place.

      You made ALOT of assumptions here. And you are wrong. A lot more details would have helped negate this but I see this was a waste of time! Like I said – this was someone I was close with at one point. Also, I asked her out of obligation to be in the wedding in fact. Due a mutual friend asking if I was going to put her into it, in front of her! Would’ve included these details if I’d known you’d assume!

    • anon

      Lo, I feel you so much. I just “let go” of a formerly good friend through college and a few years after, but who over the course of several years become increasingly flakey, inconsiderate and bizarre in her actions and interactions toward both me and our mutual friends. She has a history with some depression, but we also felt like she was having a hard time with intimate friendships – she would blast oddly personal posts out on Facebook, but not respond to text messages, direct inquiries or have a real, direct conversation with any of us. Myself and another friend were on the verge of bringing it up with her, not as an airing of our grievances (of which there were several), but as a “we’re concerned and we feel like you’ve been very distant lately”. Just as we were planning to do this, she ended up moving out of town for a new job, and we threw her a party and wished her well. I hope she finds what she’s looking for there.

      For me, it boiled down to having two options: either address it directly with her, or choose to let go. By “letting go”, I’m not suggesting that you violently cut her off and never chose to speak to or respond to her ever again, but like the commenter at 4:17 says, let go of the expectations. If my friend texts, I’ll say “hey, hope you’re doing great!” and if she doesn’t, I’ve come to peace with that. We’ll invite her to events where the rest of our extended group is invited, but won’t expect her attendance. I won’t ask her to be in my wedding party, and if she asked me to be in hers I would probably politely decline under the cover of logistics. Your friend, especially one who doesn’t live near you, can only be as much of a friction point as you allow her to be.

    • I think I might be your friend :/

      Honestly, I think some of my close friends could describe me this way. I’m shy, socially awkward and hate talking about my personal life and career with friends, so I do struggle sometimes with conversation topics, even with people I would count among my nearest and dearest. Email/text is also easier for me than in person (which it sounds like is the case with your friend too), because I have time to think about what I should say.

      I will say that I do try to ask my friends questions about their own lives and I definitely smile and act enthusiastic when they talk about their lives, which it’s not clear to me from your post whether or not she’s doing. If she never asks about your life or shows any interest when you talk about it, I can see why that would be off-putting and I would tell her directly (preferably in person) that you find that hurtful and you’re wondering if she genuinely cares about you, and see how she reacts. Her reaction should tell you a lot about whether she’s just socially awkward or whether she has indeed moved on from your friendship.

      I am very much against ghosting in pretty much any relationship, unless the person does something unforgiveable and obvious like sleeping with your husband. I’ve been ghosted by friends and it’s so horrible and painful, much worse than any romantic breakup I’ve ever had. And the fact that she keeps reaching out indicates to me that she wants to be friends but is just not very good at it. If you care about this person and have a long history, I think it’s worth trying to talk to her and not just dropping her.

      There are also different kinds of friends – not all friends have to talk often or share intimate details of each other’s lives. I have a friend who is a lot like me so we don’t know each other that well in the conventional sense. But we’re both big in terms of marking milestones and I know she will always, always show up for me, whether it’s a happy life event like a wedding or a baby shower or a sad life event like a funeral. And she knows the same thing, and we count each other as very close friends even though we talk probably once a year and couldn’t tell you that much about each others day-to-day lives. Maybe you don’t want that kind of friendship and that’s your prerogative, but I do think it’s worth pointing out that even people who aren’t good conversationalists can be good friends in other ways.

      One other thought (not from my personal experience): is she depressed? Not putting much effort into friendships and personal care/beauty are hallmarks of that, and with a new baby, postpartum depression would seem to be a possibility. Especially if these are recent changes, it’s something I would think about before ending the friendship.

  14. MDMom

    Yesterday I posted a very vague and broad plea for help organizing my life. Someone suggested bullet journal and I think they really hit it on the head, even though I claimed not to want anything paper-based. I started today with an old notebook I had and I am so excited that this might actually work for me. Thank you!

  15. AnonPara

    For those of you who have had the Mirena IUD, what has been your experience after its removal? I had mine removed last Thursday after having it for seven years. While I understand that recommended removal or replacement is five years, my gyn told me it was fine to keep it as long as I wasn’t using it for birth control. I am 47 and my partner had a vas before we met three years ago, and I kept the IUD beyond the five years as it has made my periods very very light or non-existent. After removal, I have basically had a period for seven days and counting. I called my gyn and she said this was normal. Have others had a similar experience? TIA

    • Anonymous

      I had the same experience with having a period right after it was removed, it was very heavy and lasted about a week and a half or maybe two weeks. Then after that, it stopped and I went back to having a regular period about 3 weeks later. My periods post-Mirena are still much lighter than my periods pre-Mirena, but I’m still very early on, as I’m only about two months in post-removal.

    • full of ideas

      I only had mine in for 6mo, but when it was removed I blead heavily for almost 3 weeks… gyn wasn’t coneeded (*caveat, I have endo and notoriously heavy flow anyway, but not 3 weeks!). Things went back to “normal” after that

  16. Being Alone

    I’ve come to realize that I need to work on being alone. After ending a long term relationship and several of my good friends moving away, I’ve realized that I need to learn to be alone. How can I start “dating myself?” I really want to do this before I think about getting into another relationship, but I’m just not sure where to start or what I really like to do. I’ve never even eaten alone in a restaurant so this is kind of overwhelming. Do you wise ladies have any suggestions?

    • Mrs. Jones

      Movies are easy to do alone. At a restaurant, bring something to read and sit at the bar. Exercise class/hiking/running are easy to do alone too.

      • Wildkitten

        I like to sit at a table for two with a book to read if I don’t want to chitchat with the bartender by sitting at the bar.

      • Sydney Bristow

        As someone who lives being alone, movies are an excellent way to ease into it. It might feel awkward at first but then the lights go out and you’ll get absorbed by the movie.

        Also, try being a tourist in your hometown. Go visit the places you’d take someone who was visiting from out of town. Take your camera so you have something to focus on.

      • Kay

        All of this. Similar situation and I exercised, explored the city and would check out a new museum or walk around a neighborhood I hadn’t spent much time in. I also would plan nice dinner nights for myself. Cooking for one can be a drag, but I would pick something fancy that maybe I haven’t cooked before or something that takes a little longer to prepare and would really look forward to those nights just being in the kitchen.

      • Edna Mazur

        I love going to movies alone. I see whatever I want, sit wherever I want, and eat all the food.

    • NOLA

      After my husband and I separated, I had a hard time with this. Now, I’m so good at being alone, I have a hard time convincing myself to make plans. I cook good foods for myself and go to the gym. I don’t necessarily go out to restaurants by myself, but I got takeout from my neighborhood Middle Eastern restaurant weekly back then and they knew me well. Going to a movie by yourself is easy, for sure. You don’t talk to the person you’re with anyway!

    • Lo

      I think just getting out and doing it will help. It will be hard at first, start with baby steps. Go to the store and take your time. Go to Starbucks alone and maybe work or just have a coffee and people watch. Go to the gym. Then work up to sitting at the bar have a nice glass of wine, then maybe a dinner alone. Baby steps, and realize there may be days it hard but then you’ll get so good at it, it’ll be hard to not want to spend free time alone when you have a million, enticing options :)

    • Wildkitten

      I’d also check out Groupon to see if there is something fun you might want to try.

    • Anon

      Going to the movies alone is awesome, and since it’s a quiet activity in the dark, it’s a perfect way to get comfortable doing things solo (literally no one else will notice you’re alone). Bring a book or some paperwork to Starbucks or your local coffee shop and get cozy. I don’t find eating alone intimidating, but I do prefer to sit at the bar if I’m dining solo, as it does make it easier to strike up a conversation with fellow diners or the bartender if you decide you do want some company. Going for walks in my neighborhood or going to enjoy a local scenic spot in my community (the beach or mountains) by myself is enjoyable, though I don’t get the chance to do it much. Also, I can’t believe I almost forgot my favorite solo activity: shopping! I can’t even shop with people anymore.

    • 2 Cents

      It can be really freeing to realize you can do what you want when you want without worrying about someone else’s wants and needs. Do you want to sleep in till 11, grab a blanket and a book, go to the park for 3 hours, then have ice cream for dinner? You only have to ask yourself!

      When I was single and in NYC, I enjoyed:
      –going to a museum or art installation
      –traveling everywhere by foot so I could see everything, especially when I didn’t have to be a specific place at a specific time
      –people-watching tourists
      –sitting around all day in my apartment in whatever I chose and not feel guilty for accomplishing absolutely nothing
      –buying those pre-packed microwave meals from FreshDirect so I didn’t have to worry about cooking for 1 on nights i was exhausted from work
      –trying new recipes, knowing coworkers would eat the rest if the results were less than satisfying (usually, they were OK!)
      –saying yes to things I wouldn’t have normally. Karaoke, dance class, new fitness class, new haircut, celebrity stalking at fashion week
      –watching all the guilty pleasure movies / TV shows I wanted and relished having full control over the remote!
      –drawing a bath with tons of bubbles

    • Kiki

      The best way to learn loving being alone is hike by yourself. Do you have regional or state parks nearby? Download the maps and start hiking all the trails.

  17. Speaking of champagne tastes on a beer budget

    I can’t afford the wedding dress of my dreams. Am I crazy to think about finding a short dress with the neckline I want, and asking a cousin who is a talented home seamstress to make me a floor-length tulle skirt as a wedding present? It seems like this is a thing that people do, but I’m worried it will look weird.

    • Anonymous

      I got a similar skirt from Watters and Watters when I was a bridesmaid. I bet you could find one for cheap instead of having one made by your cousin. Maybe she could help attach / style though.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I saw some on Etsy that weren’t very expensive when I was thinking about doing something similar.

        • nutella

          Yep, was just about to suggest Etsy has tulle skirts. The nice thing about them is that if it comes too fluffy, your seamstress cousin can very easily (and quickly) take out some layers below.

    • Wildkitten

      Not weird. My only hesitation would be asking a cousin (who might feel obligated to do it even if she doesn’t have time) and ending up without your dream dress on your wedding day. I would investigate hiring a seamstress who you are not related to.

    • Dulcinea

      A talented seamstress should be able to make a dress like that look normal; I think bodices and skirts are often made separately and attached towards the end of dress making and what you are proposing is basically the same thing. As to whether it would “look weird” to ask her, that depends 100% on your relationship with her.

    • Anonymous

      APW had a post recently on separates. Maybe you could buy the top of a dress and have your cousin make the skirt?

  18. NJ

    Random but hoping to help a friend who isn’t working in NJ get free of low cost health insurance. She is overwhelmed by the online options and can’t figure out how to best go about it. Anyone know a webs*te or govt resource? TIA!

  19. Shopping Hunt - Pearl Earrings

    Anyone game to find some drop pearl earrings to wear at my wedding? Although I seldom wear gold, I have sparkly gold shoes and accidentally fell in love with these (way too expensive) gold tone earrings:

    http://www.bonanza.com/listings/9mm-natural-akoya-pearl-40ct-diamonds-drop-cap-earrings-14kt-hoop-twist/289953331?goog_pla=1&gpid=173784728461&keyword=&goog_pla=1&pos=15o34&ad_type=pla&gclid=Cj0KEQjw88q9BRDB5qLcwLXr7_sBEiQAZsGja0BwaxgMJB41EkzDRRMsl5nPBFvcf1cK1X0152w4fAgaAjAe8P8HAQ

    I’d like to stay under $300, don’t care if it’s costume jewelry as long as it doesn’t look gaudy, prefer something under 2″ long…TIA!

  20. Anon

    I found myself SO into the Olympics this time — like back when I was a little kid; whereas in 2008, 2012 etc. I watched but had less time and far longer work hours/stress.

    So of course I follow a lot of the athletes on Twitter esp. the swimmers. Most/many of them have made their way home now or will do so tonight/tomorrow. How weird must it be to go from Olympic trials in May/June to training camp with your team in June-July to Rio in August — the whole time sharing dorms, meals etc. — to just head home?? It’s got to be such an intense bonding experience over 4+ months and for it to just end — do you think they miss their teammates?? Or are they just happy to be back to a “normal” life, not in a dorm room.

    • Wildkitten

      I bet they sleep for like a week straight and then go back to training 10 hours a day.

    • Anon

      Some of them like Nathan Adrian and Missy Franklin have said they’ll take 3-4 weeks off. So in that time I bet there’s a lot of sleeping, eating junk, seeing friends/family from home. Many/most of these guys train with college teams (even the ones not in college) — so many of them will take the rest of the summer off; head back to college campuses; some re start their academic yr and training for whatever meet is next for their college team, while others just resume their training for whatever meets are next on the international calendar. So many of these guys train at the same schools – Berkley, Stanford etc. – that it’ll be a reunion of sorts in about a month.

      Simone Manuel tweeted out a pic of getting a donut on the way home from the airport and apparently her old high school is putting together some kind of welcome back pep rally. Missy Franklin had a video of 100s of hearts w/ messages left on her parents’ lawn and she was hugging some neighborhood kids. So I think the homecomings, eating, and sleeping take up a lot of time in the first few weeks — not to mention whatever interviews sponsors want you to do.

      So yeah — I’m following closely!

  21. Sydney Bristow

    Ugh Kat, I sent in a tech form a few days ago. I comment here all the time and for the past week or so I’ve had comments going to moderation. I don’t think I’ve used trigger words so I just don’t understand.

    • MDMom

      Me too. (Well I only comment occasionally, but still, everything is in moderation).

    • Cat

      It’s been happening to me for the past month. Comments take anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours to be approved (for the record I’m typing this one at 5:11 Eastern). I can’t figure it out because I haven’t been commenting under different names or other “no no” activities. It started immediately after I disagreed with the “summer associate decoration” post so I REALLY hope they are not related.

    • Scarlett

      This appears happens to me, too. I actually don’t comment as much because it seems pointless when I’m joining the thread hours later.

    • Kat G

      I just spent about 30 minutes looking through my emails and the emails saved when you enter a tech form and I didn’t see anything. (This is concerning because obviously if you put a form through I should be getting it!) Are you sure you didn’t just leave a comment with the phrase “spamtest123”? I found one a week ago that was cleared automatically (and posted automatically) by our spam filter. Looking through the last 20 of your emails too I found only one that had gone to moderation. I’ll check with my tech person — if there are lags in something posting it may have to do with our caching software. Could you a) confirm that you did or did not email me a tech help form through the Gravity Forms links, and b) maybe on your next few comments leave an email so you can see if it says it’s going into moderation or not on your end? (I’m not even sure if “refreshing” your browser would work but that might be worth a try too.) I’ll talk to my tech person about it.

  22. Anon

    Does anyone have any job search “success stories” they could share? I’m a few months into my job search after being laid off, and I’m finding the job hunt so demoralizing (this is the first time I’ve ever really had to search for a role, especially while being unemployed). I’ve had multiple interviews with a few firms and am waiting (forever!) to hear back, and I have a few other promising job leads, but things are moving so slowly that getting a job seems almost impossible. Logically, I know it will happen at some point, but emotionally, I’m in a rough place right now. Hearing that other people have been through similar rough patches and come out okay (or in even better roles) would be really helpful.

    • Anon

      Yep. Got laid off at yr end 2013 after a rough last 18 months at my firm. Was mentally and emotionally spent and it showed through on my first few interviews (which were few and far between to start with). Worked every lead I could and had a number of positive networking convos which led to nothing. And then randomly on Dec. 26 2014, I saw a posting that seemed fitting, applied, got a call to interview immediately after New Years, did a 1st round interview on a Monday and on that Friday they called to schedule a 2nd round, did that, and got an offer a few weeks later. So for me it was luck/timing as I don’t think very many people are submitting applications the day after Christmas and so bc they had a smaller pile of applicants, I stood out.

      I’m not going to lie and say the job is better than what I lost, but it is still a coveted, high paying professional job. Hang in there. It’ll happen exactly how it’s supposed to.

    • Anon for this

      I have one!

      Started looking about a year ago (when my small firm made it clear to me that the nepotism hire one class year below me was going to get the available partner slot in my practice group and I was not). I had no interviews at all for like six months, then hit the double-jackpot when two potential dream jobs called me in for interviews. Was a finalist for both, only to learn (within days of each other) that I didn’t get either one. Cue 3 more months of no interviews at all, another blah review at work, then one interview that was awkward and meh. After “meh” interview I was completely bummed out and ready to throw in the towel, when I got a LinkedIn message out of the blue from a recruiter about a job that sounded great. In the space of two weeks, I went from initial phone call with the recruiter to full on offer (for 30% more pay for less hours spent at work, at a workplace with way better lifestyle perks than I have right now), and my last day at my current job is this Friday.

      You never know when an opportunity will present itself or how it’ll come to you – just stay open, keep updating your resume and LinkedIn, keep applying, and something will come through. Hang in there!

      • anon for this

        This gives me hope, as I am in a similar boat at work at looking. Congrats on the new job!!

      • Wildkitten

        “my small firm made it clear to me that the nepotism hire one class year below me was going to get the available partner slot in my practice group and I was not”

        That’s basically what happened in my previous job too.

    • Anonymous

      No advice but I’m in the same boat right now and it is so hard. Sympathy hugs from an internet stranger. Everyone keeps telling me this is a slow time of year (people are on vacation, etc) which is why it takes so long to hear back from people.

    • Wildkitten

      It took me a year to find a job in 2012 and it was SO HARD. When I got fired last month I thought I was doomed again but ended up getting a job with only one week off between the two. So – get through this rough patch and you may never have to do it again. Good luck.

    • New job

      Yes. I just started a new job two weeks ago!

      I defied all the odds and found my job off a website! Yup, I cold applied without knowing anyone in the organization, somehow survived round after round after round of various competency and language tests, and then aced the interview.

      And want to know something? This permanent full time job I’ve just started is the only one I even got a call back for. Yeah…really. I applied to what must’ve been 100 jobs and this one that I actually got was the only one where I ever heard anything. What I’ve learned is that the market is tough right now and so I think you have to be very well qualified to have a good chance. This job was the first one where I met all of the criteria and then some. If you’re not hearing back it’s not that there’s anything wrong with you it’s just how it is right now. As much as that sucks.

    • Triangle Pose

      I have one! I was pretty tired of BigLaw at the start of year 2 and wanted to go in-house. I met with a bunch of recruiters who said, “yeah, we’ll let you know if we hear about anything, but you’re WAY too junior.” I talked with former classmates and people at my level at other firms who thought I was delusional in trying to leave Biglaw after a year. I was starting to feel like a big baby, like I just couldn’t hack it in BigLaw.

      One month later, I applied cold to a LinkedIn job post, and got through the phone interview, first round and final round interview. They were efficient in getting back to me, told me I aced the interviews and gave me an offer! I knew one person in the organization (F50 tech/telecomm company so it’s HUGE) and they gave me some process advice but definitely could not put a good word in or influence the group I was going into. Not saying it was a breeze and not saying this can be expected with every job search but I am DEFINITELY glad I didn’t listen to those recruiters or other lawyers and let their comments keep me from trying. Now I make more than I did in BigLaw (not since they upped salaries again but since I was there) and I’m MUCH happier with my hours, my colleagues, the sophistication of the legal work and my autonomy over my work.

      Don’t lose hope! And don’t let other people or internet articles discourage you.

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