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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 197 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Exotic belt

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Exotic beltI like the simple look of this “exotic” belt from Banana Republic — although one should note that it's polyurethane, not any animal skin. (Although hey, polyurethane is kind of exotic, right?)  It comes in a variety of fun colors: green (pictured), coral, yellow, and mint, as well as camel and black. It's $39.50 and selling out fast in some colors. Today, use code BRAPRIL to bring it down 40% (to $30ish). Exotic belt (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. goldribbons

    Kat – Tech troubles – sometimes the ad covers up your post’s tags and the “Previous Post” and “Next Post” links. I’m using Chrome on a Mac if that makes a difference. Usually I can refresh the page to get a different ad, which allows me to see the links, but there’s a large blue ad (I forget the product) that blocks them out. Thanks!

  2. AIMS

    I’m really confused on this math: shouldn’t 40% off bring it down more than just 1/4 of the price?

    Also, while it’s a great green, I think even $25 might be too much to pay for a polyurethane belt. You can usually find skinny colorful belts like this for about $15 from Jcrew or Jcrew Factory in real leather.

    • AIMS

      Ugh, just reread my comment and it sounds way grumpier than I intended. I think I need more coffee. Rainy afternoon + an intense craving for melted cheese + stacks of work cluttering my desk does not equally a happy AIMS.

  3. 2013

    I am trying to find a job (I’m one year out of law school) but folks keep thinking I’m younger than I am (by as much as 10 years!). What can I do to look my age so people will think of me as being qualified for the jobs I am qualified for! I already wear suits that are tailored, with nice pumps, so I’ve got the basics. Darker hair? Glasses? Longer hair? Shorter hair? I know my qualifications should speak for themselves, but they aren’t.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Are you getting feedback that the age you look is holding you back from getting a job? Is it that you’re interviewing but not landing the position or not getting interviews in the first place?

    • Anonymous

      When/how are you being told you’re too young? The only scenario I can think of when you’d be face to face with a potential employer and receiving such feedback would be during an interview or a networking event. Are you concerned people aren’t recommending you for a job you’re qualified for because you’re too young?

      “You look too young to be qualified for this position” seems like an odd comment to receive from an interviewer, but if that’s what you’re hearing, just use it as an invitation to bring up the accomplishments on your resume that support why you’re a good fit regardless of looks.

      • 2013

        I am hearing it while networking, not during formal interviews, and then I am being steered towards more junior level jobs than I think are the best fit.

        • Anonymous

          But if you’re one year out of law school, you fit in a junior-level job regardless of your age.

        • TCFKAG

          Well – the problem with pre-law school experience (depending on what the work was) – is that many legal jobs don’t really consider it relevant experience, no matter how much of it there is. So you may very well be viewed as having one year experience (or no experience), no matter how old you actually are. At least, that is what I have found in my job hunt.

        • Divaliscious11

          Wait – how much junior can the jobs be if you are only one year our of law school?

        • Anonymous

          Have you been working as an attorney since you graduated? What kinds of jobs are they steering you to and what do you think would be a better fit? I’m just wondering if you are thinking its the age that you look when really it’s that you think you’re more qualified than you really are. 1 year out doesn’t really take you out of the range of junior positions.

        • Anonymous

          Agree that you should be steered toward junior level jobs- are these attorney jobs?

          • 2013

            They aren’t attorney jobs that are being suggested to me. By junior level I mean jobs that you can get right out of college. I already worked those, when I was right out of college. I worked between college and law school. In my field it is appreciated and recommended to be an attorney for the senior positions, but there isn’t the clear delineation between jobs for lawyers and jobs for non-lawyers. And complete strangers have been walking up to me and telling me I look 19, so that’s why I asked my question.

          • Anonymous

            Oops everyone had the same point as me but they weren’t all there before you were posted. As someone who looks very young, I have never had it be a problem in the job search (also not biglaw) but have had day to day problems with it. Based on your point that people are steering you to junior jobs, if these are attorneys jobs, I don’t think its your looks but its your actual level that is the reason you are being steered towards junior level attorney positions

        • Apple

          They annoying thing about going to law school is that jobs tend not to count pre-law school experience (even if totally relevant for the field) so any legal job you’re applying for should be junior.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I don’t think changing your hair or getting glasses will make that much of a difference. Stick with conservative styles and pull longer hair back into a chignon if you’re that concerned about it but I really don’t think you can make yourself look much older that way unless your hair is currently hot pink or you’re wearing pigtails or something.

    • BigMed who looks young

      This is an issue for me. I am in academic medicine…and am midlevel (Assoc prof) and am constantly mistaken for everything from a candy-striper type volunteer to a med student, intern or fellow. I have patients physically startle when I walk in the room sometimes when they learn I am the doctor and not the med student. I look *really* young for age…i know some say “oh you are so lucky”…and while I do take care of myself, it is genetics (my mom looked 18 until 50).. . it’s a tiresome bit of a lift sometimes to be taken seriously by leadership, nurses (esp female), etc . I have had senior surgeons literally pat me on the head before..you get the picture.

      This influences so much of my professional life…where to begin.. how ’bout clothing:

      These are not recs but I do adjust what I wear:
      1) i DO wear glasses; it makes a difference
      2) I rarely wear printed skirts or bright colors. never pink.
      3) my hair is dark and I have never considered lightening it for this reason.
      4). i wear a lot of black and gray. (i don’t know, seems sterner, less flip; might be in my head).

      and honestly, sometimes, i just start the conversation by telling someone my age when i know they are weirded out by how young i look (maybe more specific/useful to patient interactions than law…although, i was recently on a federal advisory committee meeting (mixed professions) where several people kept commenting on how young i looked in the pre-meeting mingle…so when we did the formal panel intro, i just said “My name is X and I am 39 and half years old”…got a chuckle and it just diffuses the issue a bit. needs to be used judiciously….and more effective (and sometimes fun) as you age because people totally freak out when i tell them i am almost 40.

      • saacnmama

        A doc we’ve visited needs this memo! She not only looks young, and was wearing a floral print dress, but spoke in a very high, sing-songy, childish voice. I wanted to tell her about it, but couldn’t find an appropriate way to bring it up. I had a hard time listening to her and thinking through what we were talking about, and I *wanted* the discussion.

    • LH

      I sympathize with you as I too look 10+ years younger than my real age. Now that I am hitting my late (eek) 20s, its starting to get to the point where having people think I’m in college or newly graduated is actually flattering. But I’ve also been asked in the last year by a flight attendant if I’m old enough to sit in the exit row and the age cutoff for that is 15, so yeah, I hear you and its not fun.

      However, I tend to agree with others that the real issue is probably not your looks. If you are one year out of law school, most lawyers will only consider you qualified for completely entry-level jobs, especially if you have not been practicing law since graduating. You say you’re being steered towards jobs that you were qualified for before you went to law school. The thing about law school is, despite what career services might have you believe, it really only qualifies you to do one thing…practice law. So you may be getting steered towards the jobs you could have had before because there is no entry-level legal position available (they are few and far between) and you are not qualified for anything more senior. This is anecdotal, but I know many people in BigLaw and other prestigious professional jobs (myself included) who look “too young” to have that job. I’m not saying that there may not have been one or two people who have viewed you negatively for that reason, but I doubt its the primary reason you are being repeatedly directed to these lower level jobs.

      I think another thing to be cognizant of is that in the current economic situation many people have “lost” years by accepting a somewhat more junior position than they believe they are qualified for. It’s an unfortunate side effect of having an overabundance of qualified applicants and a lack of jobs. I know its not an ideal solution but you never know how things turn out – a job you thought was too “junior” for you may be the stepping stone to the job you really wanted by giving you something good to put on your resume. Or the company/firm that hired you may realize after six months or a year that you’re more qualified than they thought and offer you the chance to get promoted ahead of schedule. So I think automatically dismissing a job because you believe you’re overqualified for it is a big mistake.

    • Ellen

      You are lucky, beleive it or NOT. I have the same issue. Men think I am to young to vote, even today. But when we are OVER 50, peeople will think we are 30 and we will be abel to get treated RIGHT. Men ALWAYS take pretty women like us for GRANTED. FOOEY on them!

    • Anon

      Maybe it’s your demeanor? Are you very shy or withdrawn and aren’t otherwise projecting that you’re confident and experienced in person?

  4. 2013

    I’m not looking in biglaw – so it’s not as structured of a job search process as OCI was.

    • Anonymous

      Are you sure you aren’t being steered to more junior level jobs because those are what is available/your qualifications aren’t impressing people?

      If you are, then I think one idea is to find a friend who you think gives off a mature vibe and ask her to be blunt and critique you. When I think of friends who come off young, it’s often the way they talk, or a general lack of polish. Is your hair done, are you wearing foundation, lipstick on etc. Not that any of these are necessary, but they might help you age up.

      • Anne Shirley

        That was me.

        [Kat- are you working on the sticky names issue? Using safari on my phone]

      • 2013

        Thank you. I will do some of these – I think hair/lipstick might help. I should do my hair more often (like every day). I was wanting to think that wouldn’t matter to wear a pony every so often but I suspect it does. Also- like BigMed said – I should avoid pink etc. Whatever on the margin helps me get a job I should try.

  5. NOLA

    Does anyone else get irritated by the whole Mother’s Day marketing blitz? My mom died 24 years ago and I get so tired of hearing about what I should buy for her for Mother’s Day. In fact, I’m not sure I bought anything for her for Mother’s Day while she alive. It just wasn’t important to her.

    • Ginjury

      I’m sorry to hear that. I understand what you mean though, it’s not applicable to everyone. You could say the same thing about literally every other holiday we have where you need to buy stuff for someone (Valentine’s, Father’s, Christmas). In regards to Mother’s Day specifically, the advertisements are so annoyingly gendered it’s ridiculous. It’s as if we’re supposed to buy our mothers things that would help them to be better mothers, yet there’s far less association with the act of parenting/caretaking for Father’s day gifts. (Okay, off my soapbox now)

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure about that . . . I’m think you’re saying that the gifts suggest women should be better mothers while they suggest men work outside the home and have more interests. Is that right? But they suggest candles, makeup, perfume, etc. for mothers and golf bags, ties, etc. for fathers. I don’t see how either of those have much to do with parenting or caretaking. Now you can say not all women like makeup or whatever, but I think that’s a different point.

        • Ginjury

          It seems to me like a fair number of the ads I’ve seen recently that promote the pampering of mothers by buying them candles, perfume, etc. do it with a stronger connection to motherhood than ads for golf bags, etc. for fathers have. This could just be selective memory though. My original point, as you stated, was that the gifts are very gendered, as if mothers don’t like to golf or grill, and I just got a little sidetracked.

          • NOLA

            That’s so true! I learned how to grill when I was in college and coming home over the summer because my Dad was soooo bad at it.

      • Anonymous

        I think it’s more that generally, a lot of the suggestions for mothers day gifts relate to a woman’s identity *as a mother* — lots of gifts I hear suggested a lot include necklaces with your kids birthstones, family photo books, candles with “mom” on them, etc (though of course, there are other gifts out there that don’t) or relating to the domain of “the home” (kitchen appliances, robes, etc) while a lot of the suggestions about gifts for Fathers day are “golf clubs!” “ties!” which are less related to their role as a *father* or their role in the home as part of the family. At least, that’s how I read it.

        • AIMS

          Eh, honestly, I always feel bad for dads in this regard. It’s like 1001 ideas for what to get your mom from bathrobe to handbag to massage to jewelry and poor dad gets stuck with a tie, a golf club or a tool kit every single year, no matter the occasion. I think men really miss out in this regard.

          But one funny thing I always notice about Mother’s Day vs. Father’s Day is that on that Sunday morning in May and June, if it’s MD, I see women alone everywhere getting their nails done, walking around, etc., and men spending time alone with their kids so that “mom can get some time off.” On FD, on the other hand, you will never see a dad alone being sent off to play a round of golf or get a beer with his friends; no, the whole family has to hang out to mark the occasion. Not sure I can quite articulate exactly what this says about our society that women’s reward is time off and men’s reward is time with (most likely because both days are likely organized by the women) but it is interesting to observe from year to year.

          • Monday

            That is interesting! Maybe it just reflects who does most of the childcare most of the time? Mom gets a day off, Dad “gets” to see his kids and affirm his role as Dad, with both days being marked as the exception to the rule?

          • TBK

            Yes on the gifts! My dad wears ties only to funerals (and only if someone insists), has never held a golf club, doesn’t drink scotch, and isn’t into cars or sports. Why are all the Father’s Day cards and gifts for some Don Draper wannabe?

          • AIMS

            It is probably the fact that women tend to do more of the day to day so they need the “day off” so to speak, but I think many of the women in my neighborhood do work full time, too, and it’s still the case. Like I said, not sure quite what I make of all this, but it’s something I notice every year.

        • Ginjury

          That is exactly what I was thinking! Thank you for saying much better than I did.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I get irritated, but mostly because I don’t speak to my birth mother and consider my stepmom to be my real mom. I don’t call her “mom” though, which makes most of the card aisle useless to me anyway.

    • Susie

      I don’t like the commercialization of any holiday. On a related note, my big sister lost her full term baby last year and this is her first mother’s day since then. All my sisters are taking our mom out to brunch, but the little sisters and I want to be sensitive to how difficult this is for big sister and want to acknowledge her as a mother too. We got her a little gift, but I don’t know if this will make it worst, to bring up feelings? Big sister is not one to share her feelings, so I’m not sure where her head space is right now. Thoughts/suggestions?

      • Bewitched

        I haven’t lost a child, so take this with a grain of salt, but I always hear that it’s hard when people DON’T acknowledge your loss, so I think your idea of acknowledging big sis as a mom and giving her a present is very thoughtful and nice.

      • Samantha

        I’d say to give it to her but not in a public way, and to let her think about it before she has to react to it. By this I mean, leave it for her, or mail it to her, rather than all getting together and publicly ‘giving’ it to her. If it makes her feel touched but a little teary, or if she’d like to take time to reflect or grieve, then she would be able to do that in private. It is possible for one to *want* to be recognized as a mother and yet to feel sad about it.

    • Kanye East

      Honey, I get irritated by the fact that Valentine’s Day candy is on the shelves before the New Year’s hangover has worn off.

      Come sit by me. //pats seat//

      • L

        Me too. Until I realize that the Valentine’s day candy is the cure for my hangover.

        Christmas in October really grates on me. We’ve blown past the Thanksgiving deadline and now I see ads at Halloween. (Though points to Nordies because they are helping to fight the madness. I use this as justification to shop there extra in December.)

      • KLG

        YES! ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME PEOPLE!!!!!! (Sorry for the shouting. It’s one of my pet peeves).

    • YES

      My mom died 4 years ago and I never noticed until then just how completely crazy the marketing is. It seems like every commercial/sale/advertisement is pushing you to buy your Mom the perfect present for Mother’s Day. It’s totally annoying!

    • Anon

      Definitely. Kids may not be in the cards for us and I hate this monthlong blitzkrieg reminding me of that fact.

    • saacnmama

      NOLA, how sad that they make you miss your mom!

      I wish my *mom* wouldn’t listen to them. Seems her expectations of being feted on this day have increased since we all grew up & moved out.

      AIMS, Germany celebrates “Fathers’ Day” on Pentecost. The kids’ wagons get loaded up with beer, dads pull them to the park & spend the day getting loaded. No lie!

      Susie, when someone gave me a Christmas ornament 8 months after I gave a child up for adoption, I was very touched. I still have it and it is meaningful to me over a quarter century later. Mother’s day was soon after the birth, and I appreciate the cards I got then. It’s not the same as your sister’s experience, but might be close.

    • hoola hoopa

      I can’t turn around without seeing something about Mother’s Day. I recently told my husband that I want him to do *something* for me on Mother’s day. Doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but he should do something. His reponse? “Mother’s day is soon?” SERIOUSLY MAN, WHAT ROCK ARE YOU LIVING UNDER? So clearly the ad blitz still isn’t reaching their entire target market.

      Which also made me wonder – are they advertising to men or women? Because I see a *ton* of ads, etc on my overtly feminine media sources, but I haven’t noticed any on his overtly masculine sources. So it makes me think that marketers find they have more success by raising mothers’ expectations and leaving them to guilt trip everyone else to meeting them rather than pushing on the gift-givers themselves.

      • Merabella

        I work part-time in retail, and I think men often don’t know the dates of things. For example, they always put “Valentine’s Day is February 14th” on signs in my store. I always think “DUH, it is always the same day every year.” But I think I read a study once – don’t know how valid it was – that like 50% or more men don’t know the date of Valentine’s Day. I would think Mother’s Day would be worse, because it isn’t on the same day every year – it is on the same weekend.

  6. Anonymous

    For a fun TJ inspired by this AM’s thread — what were you like in high school?

    I was definitely not a “popular kid” though I wasn’t unpopular either. I had a pretty diverse group of friends – from the more wallflower type to more punk kids to really preppy kids. I was definitely a bit of a smart aleck/knew too much for my own good. I was always really nice to other kids, not really a mean girl though like everyone, I had my share of high school drama. My biggest problem was that I really “above it all” in terms of high school work so I’m sure I was a PITA for my teachers. I remember deciding not to do assignments because I unilaterally decided that I wouldn’t learn anything from them, so they were therefore a waste of my time. I think part of that is that a lot of the people I was hanging out with were similar – smart but lazy. I think if I’d found a different peer group when I started high school, my life course might have been very different. I’m not sure if me now met me then, we’d be friends.

    What were you like?

    • To Mpls (or anyone with similar hair)

      Reposting Threadjack:
      You said in a previous post that you have wavy/curly/potentially Klingon hair and then mentioned how you tame it while keeping it somewhat natural. What specific products do you use/recommend? I’m going to Hawaii this week and I really don’t want to have to bring along my flat iron, curling iron and a dozen products. If anyone else has any recommendations, I could use your input!

      • Monday

        FYI I answered your follow-up question to my post on the last thread. I’ve been very happy with my decision to go curly, and it’s never as much of a pain as straightening was!

      • Mpls

        I’ve used a couple things – last summer it was Aveda’s Style Prep product to ward off humidity and this winter has been B&B’s Hairdresser Oil to fight the dry air. My hair is pretty long, and while the individual strands are fine, there’s a lot of it. It’s got a natural wave that can be coaxed out, but loosens up a lot if it handled much (or at all).

        My basic MO is to add the product (either the Style Prep or the oil) while the hair is wet – either while sopping wet, or after blotting the major water out. I work it in from the ends up (sparingly at the scalp or around my face), and then twist it up in to a bun with a couple of claw clips. I usually let it air dry that way (which could potentially take all day, or overnight). Pulling it back help gives it some direction while it dries and keeps it from getting too big. My theory is that is helps the individual strands of hair wave together, instead of letting them all do it individually (which is where the giant Klingon hair comes into play). It’s not a super strong wave, so it’s usually tamed by some small (but consistent) persuasion. If it dries in the bun, then it still has a bit of a wave when it’s down, but it’s waves together instead of fighting each other.

        If you want to play up the curl, I’ve also had it suggested to me to use the beachy salt spray stuff. When I’ve tried it, boy-howdy did I get big hair – but more sexy hair big than Klingon big, if that makes sense. The theory with the salt spray is that it gives some structure to the wave.without weighing it down like some product can – and since my curl isn’t especially strong, that worked better for me.

        I’ve also had luck using the hair oil in sopping wet hair, scrunching a bit, and then just letting it air dry. Since it is sopping wet the hair clumps together and as long as I don’t disturb those clumps the hair will dry in those clumps waves. Of course the first time you twist it up to get it out of your face, the waves are gone but thems the breaks.

      • Going to hawaii...

        You’re going to Hawaii, nobody is caring about how your hair looks (other than you). Most of the time, it might be up or naturally “beachy.”

        Honestly, I go for a week every year, and my hair does not like the 1 week and it usually takes at least 2-4 weeks for my hair to adjust to the humidity and the harder water.

        Enjoy Hawaii though, and if you’re on Oahu, eat guava chiffon pancakes at Cinnamons and be glad you read Corporette. :D

    • Anon

      Well, since I am the anon that posted about the HS ways of a guy I’m dating, I’ll bite.

      I was very into school and my extra-curriculars. I had lots of friends in various circles, but a few close friends. That’s mainly because I am not cliquey at all (I was definitely mature beyond my age) and because I was too busy to be close friends since I wasn’t really around. I was nice to everyone and actually told a few people off for being jerks to others (now can you see why I was concerned about the guy?). I avoided the ‘popular girls’ on purpose. I was also quite shy and preferred my alone time. I never dated a guy, didn’t kiss a guy until I was 19. Apparently guys liked me but I was oblivious.

    • Anonymous

      Oh, that’s an interesting question…the first couple years of high school were weird because I skipped a grade, so I was a year younger, and socially that just wasn’t great.

      But, by the time grade 11 rolled around, I got involved in student council, etc., and found a good group of friends (who I’m actually STILL friends with! Even though we live in different cities! They’re awesome!). I generally got along with everyone, and had very little gossip- the people I was friends with were basically just the smart/driven kids – all of us are now professionals, and sort of coasted through high school putting in very little work, and were involved in lots of extracurriculars. I was generally pretty pleasant in high school, and didn’t get into much trouble. Kind of boring, if I’m being honest.

      I’m 9 years out of high school, and whenever I visit my hometown I end up running into one of the “popular kids” from high school, none of whom have really done anything with their lives, and it’s always so awkward.

    • NOLA

      I was a band geek. Took all advanced classes and was a total smart aleck. I had a group of friends – all other band kids and came up through the gifted program together – but we were definitely not popular. I don’t live anywhere near where I grew up so I don’t know what happened to most people from my high school, but my group of friends are scattered all over the place. Of course, we graduated 31 years ago!

      • Nonny

        I was NOLA, but 10 years younger than her.

        I skipped English classes (they were too easy anyway, says smart-alecky me) to hang out in the band room and file music.

        • NOLA

          My friends and I used to skip our American history class, taught by a little old lady, to “work on the yearbook.” Until my Dad decided to teach a unit in that class and we actually had to go…

    • Susie

      I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere at high school. I got good grades and was kind of quiet. I knew a few people from different circles so I kind of floated around, sitting with a different group each day or often just going home at lunch. After school it was straight to ranch to ride my horses.

    • TBK

      I went to a tiny private school where there were too few of us for anyone to be a particular “type,” but I was TOTALLY like this: “I remember deciding not to do assignments because I unilaterally decided that I wouldn’t learn anything from them, so they were therefore a waste of my time.” I also told them when I thought they weren’t using the most effective means of teaching and how they could re-structure the classroom to provide a better educational experience. (Um, thanks, 14 year old TBK. The grown-ups with the MAs and PhDs in education will take it from here.) The fact that many of them still love me has everything to do with them being amazing teachers and nothing to do with my personal “charm.”

    • Anonymous

      I was a band geek (color guard more specifically) but fit in with most people, although I was very quiet. Many girls thought I was bitchy because I was insecure and shy and therefore not as outgoing as a lot of my peers. I never drank until I graduated high school, and didn’t really even know that others did, so I guess I was more of a goody-goody than I realized at the time. Took lots of advanced classes and did well in everything except my math and science classes, which I struggled SO hard with.

    • Diana Barry

      I was a nerd, and a music/theatre geek. I was so much of a nerd that when I got invited to a calculus “party”, my other nerdy friend and I went to the “party” and did ALL THE WORK BY OURSELVES just because we were invited to the cool kid’s house!

      I also skipped a grade and was young…and wasn’t even invited to my (also nerdy) friend’s house to do role-playing games! Sigh. I like to think I am more socially-adjusted now, but law school was probably my peak in that regard.

    • Anon

      I had a bad family life so I was very depressed. I had only a couple of friends, self-harmed, was bulimic, skipped school all the time, failed classes, and eventually ran away from home when I was 16. I never had any boyfriends, but I had a couple of guys I used to get drunk and fool around with. One of them is now serving a life sentence in prison.

      Luckily things turned around for me in my early 20s, and I’m now a happy, married, successful professional with tons of friends. People are always shocked if I hint at my past, and almost no one knows the whole story.

      • Anonymous

        I think you’re incredible for pulling yourself out of that.

        Similar but to not even close to the same extent, I almost flunked out of high school due to pure laziness and rebellion (my family life, in retrospect, was not bad – but it felt very much that way at the time), was constantly fighting with my parents, hung out with “the wrong crowd,” etc. When people now meet me, they seem shocked and uncomfortable to hear about that, since now I am a pretty driven and successful person who does all the “right” things.

        Don’t let people’s shock sway you from showing them the strength you have though. I think it sounds like it took amazing strength to turn your life around to that extent and if you are comfortable sharing that, I bet people’s shock will quickly turn to admiration.

    • TCFKAG

      I was a big nerd who just also happened to be an athlete (this was actually not unusual at my school…we were nerdier then average). But my friend making abilities were severely hampered by the fact that I was very seriously invested in “age group” swimming which was not connected to my school and thus meant I spent 40 hours a week or so away from all my school friends. So my two sets of friends were sort of divided in two or three and as such I had some trouble forming deeper social attachments.

      But I found in college that because of this I was fairly good at forming friendships in a variety of social circles rather then being drawn to just one. Also I was in really good shape. Lol.

    • hoola hoopa

      I was the token smart kid in the popular crowd. I was well-liked and drama-free, but I never really made a splash either. I had fun in the day, but I mostly just coasted through.

    • LH

      I was very shy, nerdy, quiet. I was really into school and took mostly college classes my last two years. I had a solid friend group (although by no means “the cool kids”) in middle school but by high school I was away so much with the college classes and various academic things that I lost touch with most people. I had a group of people to sit with in the cafeteria/say hi to in the halls but I didn’t socialize with them outside of school. They were people I was friendly with more than friends. I had one best friend that I hung out with outside of school and she has remained a good friend and was a bridesmaid in my wedding last year. Ironically, I had so much fun at all the senior spring events (prom, senior week, everyone’s open houses) and got to know so many people better that it made me wish I had participated more in high school socially. Then I went off to college across the country and almost all of my classmates stayed in-state so I lost touch with everyone again, except the one BFF. My 10 year reunion is this summer. I don’t think I can go because of work but I actually really want to.

    • Paralegal

      High school was… awkward. I was really into theater my first few years, but was pretty talentless so I was a perpetual extra. I drifted away from that friend group when they all became BFFs during rehearsals that I wasn’t called for. I ended up quitting theater and joining the local fire department (my best decision), and becoming friends with people from classes. We were the AP/honors kids and had an undeserved reputation for being very straightlaced, though, which meant no invitations to the popular kids’ parties. I had a great group of female friends (who I stay in touch with), but I was incredibly insecure and was convinced no one would ever find me attractive or want to date me.

      We have an unofficial reunion coming up, and I am kind of looking forward to it. My life is going really well right now and after being such an awkward nobody in high school, I kind of want to show off.

    • Apple Pie

      For most of high school, I was a loner. I wasn’t bullied, but I was reclusive and would go days without speaking to anyone but my parents. Every once in a while I’d have a conversation with one of the super friendly student government type kids, but mostly I kept my nose resolutely in my books to avoid the awkwardness of social interaction. I’ve since learned that people thought I was stuck up, even though I was just incredibly shy.

      Right after my junior year, my family moved. Inspired by YM and Seventeen magazines and a few too many Disney Channel original movies, I decided to reinvent myself over the summer — started wearing my hair down, got a job so I could stop dressing in five year old thrift store finds and buy makeup, etc. Senior year I was still really quiet, but I made an effort to be more approachable and ended up with a large but close group of friends from my honors classes, dated a lot, met my now-husband, etc. Basically I lived the plot of a Meg Cabot novel.

    • cbackson

      I went to a small private school that didn’t have a lot of the trappings of a traditional high school (no football, no cheerleaders, etc.). That said, if we’d had prom queen, it probably would have been me. I wasn’t a mean girl – in fact, I was bullied pretty badly in junior high, which meant I was highly sensitive to the mistreatment of others. But I was, undeniably, one of the popular kids.

      Of course, when you go to weird private school, you can simultaneously be one of the popular kids and president of the gay-straight alliance.

    • Young Consultant

      This is an interesting thread.. when I think back I always realize how lucky I was in highschool. I entered high school so nerdy, uptight, and straight edge but somehow attracted the attention of 4 beautiful wild girls. They were all razor sharp, anxious to be grown ups, and drawn to any trouble they could get into and the five of us became best friends. I went on and stayed true to my uptight self but got to attend all the parties and feel a little cool (with moderate teasing about being such a “goody two shoes”), and could always count on the support of my cool popular besties, even though I rarely felt particularly cool or popular myself. Seven years later, they are still my best friends and I live with one today in the big city with “big” jobs, like we always thought we would.

    • Anonforthis

      I’ve thought about this question a lot…and I think it actually speaks to how great my high school was that I can’t exactly put myself into a clique. I was an honors/AP kid, had good friends that smoked a lot of weed but still played varsity sports and got into great colleges. Another group of friends were honors/AP theater/yearbook kids (I was neither). I was on student council as a token activity, was in band until they made us wear marching band uniforms (gag), did lots of volunteer work, etc.

      I dated more on the straight-edge/overachiever guys that played a token sport or two. A LOT of the popular kids were in the AP/honors track, so while we weren’t best buddies, we got along just fine. I was typically not directly invited to, but brought along by friends and welcomed at, some of the more traditional crazy high school parties.

      I guess I kept a moderately low profile, was never bullied/picked on, had a medium sized circle of close friends, got good grades. I stayed in touch with maybe a handful of my HS friends…my 5 and 10 year reunions have come and gone and I feel like I”ve missed nothing by skipping them. Anyone from high school I am interested in, I keep in touch with–or know someone that does.

      What’s funny is thinking about our HS superlatives…I was nominated for “parents dream child”. My sister was voted best sense of humor, and runner up for class party animal. My brother didn’t appear in the yearbook and was almost expelled for drug use and sales.

  7. Batgirl

    Any good recommendations for comfortable, cream-colored/neutral flats (or a very slight heel)? I have problem feet, so I’d love something with a bit of support that I can wear to work.

    Thanks!

    • Ginjury

      I just bought a pair of Clarks Dunbar Racers in the tan color and they are super comfy. I got them for use as more of a commuting shoe (although I’m wearing them now) so they may be too casual for your office. They’re just fine in my business casual policy research office though.

  8. Lasergirl

    Have any of you gotten laser to remove acne scars? I asked my dermatologist about some scars that I have on my face – some deep ice pick type scars on my temples and scattered craters across my face and he recommended laser. But it’s so pricey! $900 a session and apparently five sessions are standard. My acne is pretty controlled now, even without medication, but I’m tired of wearing makeup. And annoyed that it’s cheaper to wear makeup.

    • Ginjury

      Have you tried a serum or cream? I don’t know how severe your scars are, but that could be a cheaper option. Or what about microderm?

    • SunnyD

      I’ve done three laser treatments to remove deep acne scars. But I did it through a plastic surgeon and I think each one was about $1200. The first one was definitely worth it because it made the biggest difference. The other two made much smaller improvements, but I’m still glad I did them. I decided to do the second two on my own—the doc I used did not suggest more treatments.

      Before each treatment, I took some prescription pain medication, the doc gave me more before the procedure, the procedure still hurt, and I had to have someone drive me home. I was on the couch for the rest of the day and I think I took some more prescription pain meds that night. It then took about a week to begin to look kinda normal.

      But now my face looks much better and I regularly skip makeup because my face, while still slightly scarred, looks great to me. I’m very glad I spent the money on it.

      • Lasergirl

        Thank you for responding! Were you able to go to work the next day? Does your face swell up after the procedure? Is it obvious that something was done to the face? Or does it look like a rash or allergies or something?

        • SunnyD

          The first time I did it was on a Thursday and I started my summer associate job on the following Monday. As I recall, I was really really red and puffy for a few days. By the time I started my job on Monday, I was definitely still all red and it looked like something had happened to my face (maybe like a really bad sunburn?). I don’t think I put on makeup, but heavy makeup definitely would have helped. The other two times I did it I was either in school (and could go to class the next day, but clearly looked bright red and puffy) or taking time off between jobs so I didn’t care. So I’d say you can clearly work the next day from a mental perspective, but you’re going to look like someone attacked your face. Maybe do it on a Thursday, work from home on Friday and maybe Monday, and go back to work on Tuesday? You’d still be red, but more sunburn looking and less swollen.

          You’re welcome to email me if you want to SunnyD6206 at aol (yes, aol. I know. I know).

  9. candidate

    Interviewing advice requested! I have a job interview with a law firm later this week. I am currently employed with a firm I am pretty happy with, but I think I need to move on to take the next step in my career. That being said, my current set up is very nice; I have flexible hours and vacation time. I come and go as I please and can take time off as needed, as long as my work gets done. I’d like to feel out this potential employer for their approach to these matters, but I don’t want to come across as someone who is lazy or unwilling to work long hours when necessary. The firm doesn’t do billables, so I am not sure how to ask. Any thoughts??

    • Anon

      This is probably what Effie Trinket wears to the gym. You know, because making sure you don’t drop the flower pot really works your abs.

    • Anonymous

      I always wear a cape and flower pot on my head when I wear shorts. Are you not supposed to???

    • Anonymous

      Next question to Kat – is wearing a plant on my head office appropriate? Or should I save it for weekends?

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I’m loving the potted plant on the model’s head! It’s as if she decided that nothing she could do was going to make the outfit look anything other than ridiculous, so what the heck?

    • TO Lawyer

      I was so confused until I clicked on the picture with the model and I am now dying laughing. This is SO ridiculous

    • Mpls

      I’m concerned that the shorts are made out of duct tape but still require leather cleaning?

    • Anonymous

      I was similarly baffled by that picture! So ridiculous, especially for Nordstrom. I expect better from them.

    • saacnmama

      I’m just thrilled that someone finally used scare quotes properly, instead of trying to use them for emphasis, as frequently seen in local ads. These are ‘sports’ shorts, not shorts for actual sports.

    • TCFKAG

      This is crazypants. But my favorite part – the hem on the bottom isn’t finished. This looks like the losing entry in a Project Runway entry. Of which Michael Kors would have a faBUlous time making up insane metaphors to describe it.

  11. recent grad

    My fiance had a bad day at work today and I want to pick him up something small to make him smile on my way home. I am basically searching for the male equivalent of flowers. Anyone have any suggestions? I’d prefer to stay away from candy and alcohol, but that is all that’s coming to mind right now.

    • Anon

      Redbox a movie he’s been wanting to see and pick up his favorite take-out dinner?

    • Susie

      His favorite take-out? Or something new for you to wear, if you catch my drift.

    • saacnmama

      Flowers in a pot on your head, and fake leather shorts!

      Or massage oil or offer to play his favorite video game or let him control the remote or go for a walk and *don’t* ask him to talk about it.

    • hoola hoopa

      What works to cheer up or congratulate my husband, as found through years of trial and error:
      Beer
      Donuts
      The expensive coffee he loves so much but won’t buy for himself
      New panties (for me)
      Specific salty treats, primarily pirate’s booty and good olives from the olive bar

      If he doesn’t have to work tonight, rent a movie that he’d love but that you’d normally not agree to watch with him. I did that last time and it went over really well.

      • TCFKAG

        I don’t think you can pick this up at the store.

        But ummm…you could pick up a fun new “condiment” (l*be if you weren’t around for the extended picnic metaphors last christmas) at CVS.

      • Young Consultant

        Laughing and loving this answer.

        But technically, not something one can pick up at the store haha.

    • CKB

      My dh always wants either a slurpee or ice cream after a bad day at work. Although new panties for me would be a good idea, too.

      • KC

        I haven’t had a Slurpee in ages, but that was one of my favorite after-school treats as a kid! So good. Now I really want one…

        • CKB

          Yeah, his love of slurpees is legendary and long lived (as is his love of graphic tees and cargo shorts). He’s a great dad & husband, with 3 degrees and a grown up job, and turns 40 this year, but in some areas of his life he just doesn’t want to grow up.

          • TO Lawyer

            You’re in Calgary right? This may be partly due to the region – I remember getting slurpees in the dead of winter as a kid and now slurpees are my ultimate summer treat. Something my born and raised Ontario friends will never understand…

    • goldribbons

      I think putting a small note in his bag for him to find when he gets to work tomorrow morning is extremely effective.

    • Fiona

      On days like this, I’ll get DH something from a bakery near work (cupcakes, macarons, baklava, etc.) or I’ll stop at the grocery store and get some splurge-y snacks like burrata, proscuitto, marinated olives, etc. Or we’ll just go out to one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants and have a good meal — something to reclaim the joy in life that was stomped on during the day.

  12. Kelly

    Has anyone used intermittent fasting for weight loss? I know it’s a bit of a fad since the NYT printed that article about all the Brits doing the 5/2 plan, but I’m genuinely curious if anyone has experimented with it and what the results were. I’m not a snacker and I mostly eat healthy foods, but my big problem is portion control / moderation, and maybe removing certain meals altogether would be one way to sidestep the whole “reasonable portion size” thing.

    • Anon

      If your issue is portion size, then intermittent fasting isn’t your friend. You’re still supposed to consume the same approximate number of calories/day, you’re just going it in a smaller window and fewer meals. So they’ll be bigger. And when you “stop” intermittent fasting and go back to eating on a more normal schedule, you’ll have the same portion-control issue, only magnified.

    • AIMS

      I read somewhere that it’s not optimal if you are in your child bearing years and want to have children because it can really screw up your fertility. But take that with a grain of salt because I haven’t really done my research at all, just recall seeing that somewhere.

      What works best for me though is skipping lunch when I want to lose weight. I know it doesn’t sound great but honestly I love breakfast and love dinner but lunch is very whatever for me, so if I need to lose 5 lbs., the easiest way to do it is to switch out whatever I would normally have for say an apple and a coffee and go for a walk instead of sitting with my lunch at my desk.

    • goldribbons

      One of my coworkers had great success cutting out breakfast entirely, eating salad lunches, and then chowing down (as per her pre-diet standard, no extra) at dinner. She felt that feeling “full” was what she craved, so she would limit herself to feeling that once per day, and sticking to healthy options the rest of the time.

    • Anonymous

      I’m curious about IF, but it sounds suspiciously like a recipe for a binge to me, and given that I have restricting/binge issues around food, probably a bad idea.

    • mascot

      I also have had success with removing or automating a meal. I drink protein shakes for breakfast most days and keep them on hand for lunch if needed. Then I can eat a normal dinner (or eat normal lunch, very light dinner). I’ve also identified some foods that need to be forbidden for me because I am incapable of moderation (looking at you office candy jars). It’s just easier to not eat those at all than it is to limit myself to 1 piece. I know that this goes against most mainstream nutrition advice, ( 3 meals and snacks, treats in moderation!) but it is what I have luck with.

    • TCFKAG

      My brother had excellent initial results with what was essentially intermittent fasting, but I think in the long run he found that not changing his perception of portion sizes meant that he couldn’t really have long term success with that strategy.

      He has had much better luck with cutting calories evenly from his diet through-out the day.

    • Meg Murry

      I’ve not tried IF directly, although I’ve been intrigued, but one thing that’s kind of a variant to that – if I can make myself follow my calorie guidelines really strictly in MFP for 3-4 days out of the week, I’ve found that I tend to eat in moderation the rest of the week without strict tracking/planning, and I still lose the targeted 1-2 lb a week. But if I have a “bad” week those lbs go right back on, quickly. So rather than true “fasting” if you just cut down to a low calorie day (for me that’s big lunch but with lots of veggies, moderate breakfast w protein & complex carbs, small dinner) a couple times a week that might jump start you.

    • NOLA

      A young woman who works for me told me she was doing this and that she had a hard time working on the fast days. That didn’t exactly recommend it to me.

  13. Flying Squirrel

    TTC TJ – cuz I’ve been holding this in all day and can’t mention it at work.

    I got a positive HPT this morning!! This is my fifth IVF cycle. The first ended in miscarriage followed by D&C, and after several failed cycles alnd another short pregnancy that never really took they found scar tissue from my D&C that I had surgically removed.

    So, I’m very cautious in my excitement…the needs to have a heartbeat (and maybe a high school diploma) before I will really believe this is happening. But for today I’m excited and DH is over the moon.

  15. Anon for this

    Any short-term anger/frustration control techniques?

    I have a wonderful, wonderful SO, who I live with. I tend to have a short fuse–get angry/frustrated about things, fly off the handle, eventually calm down. I don’t yell or swear, but I do get upset and sometimes storm about our small apartment. This is exacerbated by silly things like being hungry, not having seen my SO in a while, bad day at work. Often it will be over things like housework (I’m Type A about almost everything, he is not).

    Generally he will try not to engage, I will calm down, we will talk it out. If I am upset about something he has done/not done, he will apologize. I will apologize for flying off the handle, and say I will try to work on it. My SO is nothing but supportive–he will call me out on it (“I really hate it when you come home from work mad”), but he won’t get upset at me or hold it against me later. But I feel really bad about it.

    Hence, this question. I basically am looking for something psycologically to hold on to for the first few minutes of getting angry, so I don’t lash out during that time. Then, I can deal with whatever is actually bothering me in a more productive way. I am trying to set a goal of making it a month (to start) without doing this.

    Thoughts?

    • Lady Harriet

      No advice, but I’d love to hear what others say. This is something I really need to work on too. (Although I DO have a tendency to yell.)

    • goldribbons

      Things like “being hungry, not having seen my SO in a while, bad day at work” are totally normal reasons to be upset. It seems like you just need to tell your SO that you have less patience at the moment because of X. It’s perfectly normal in my house for DH or me to get home and announce that we are too hungry to do or talk about anything other than dinner. Then, we can have dinner together, wait patiently for the bad mood to dissolve (aka digest our food), and have a normal evening. You might want to consider looking into blood sugar stabilizing foods, so that your moods aren’t affected so much by your hunger (e.g., spinach).

      • saacnmama

        That’s what works best when I’m impatient with my kiddo. He’s had to learn that when I’m hungry, he cannot distract or interrupt the quest for food, whether that means packing up our stuff and leaving the beach without delay or letting me cook in peace or not chatting before I’ve figured out what to order. Makes so. much. difference.

        I don’t do this, but I know people who literally have a hand signal or something they put in a different position (like a card or a trinket from a shelf) to show that they aren’t ready to talk.

    • Monday

      Simply forcing yourself to stay quiet until you’ve thought straight for a few minutes. I make a point to do this whenever I’m angry at Mr. Monday–just give it a few minutes. There’s never been a time when it couldn’t wait, and I’m always happier with how I respond after the period of silence than just saying the first thing that comes to mind. It’s also not the case that he takes this as a sign that I’m ok with whatever just happened–quite the opposite. From experience, he knows it means I’m p!ssed, even on the phone! But it’s civil. If he asks, I say I need a minute.

      He has a similar technique, so we joke that our fights are the quietest fights that ever have been fought. We might spend close to an hour in serious disagreement about something, not really making any progress in working it out, but the neighbors might think we’re not home! We never end up cursing or name-calling either. I think it makes all the difference in maintaining trust and good feelings, and when I say that I am indeed comparing it to past relationships in which we fought in the more traditional way.

    • Nellie

      I am you— except I did also yell and swear sometimes. I did CBT and what I found worked best for me was adding a physical element. I couldn’t just force myself not to react. Also, once I’m “activated” I have to have a release, so just being quiet doesn’t help. So, in addition to healing breaths (BIG exhales) or counting to ten (which actually does help), the best tip for me was cold water. Face is best but just running my hands under cold water really helps. Or, if I can’t excuse myself to a sink, I pinch a pressure point on my hand (between thumb and index finger). The exhales are great because you literally cannot talk while you’re blowing air out.

      There is something about having a physical distraction that buys just enough time for the mind to simmer down and for self-control to return.

    • layered bob

      I typically only get that irritable/mad feeling when I’m hungry. So when I feel like raising my voice, I will raise it to declare, “I am hangry!” (hungry + angry) and my SO knows that he should find me something to eat STAT and not take seriously anything I say until then. :-)

      I’m pretty sure most of my misbehavior as a child stemmed from being hangry and I have a much longer fuse now that I acknowledge when I’m just irritated by EVERYTHING primarily because I am hungry or have to pee.

      • Kora

        Wow, what an incredibly shallow non-response to someone trying to confront a real issue.

      • Samantha

        I disagree, I think Layered Bob is just trying to give her experience with something similar. The OP did post about hunger being one of her bad-mood triggers. Hunger or lack of sleep are triggers for my bad moods as well, and her description of dealing with it through a “hangry!” announcement made me laugh.

    • Tech Girl in MN

      My SO is similar to you. What I have found most helpful is for her to try to announce that she’s short on temper. For me, it helps to separate it; she’s not mad at ME, she’s just mad.

  16. Small Town Atty

    From the earlier thread about shift dresses: I know I’m not the only one with this problem. I am pear-shaped, and while most of the time I don’t feel out of proportion, I usually need pencil skirts to be 2 sizes bigger than my tops. That’s not so much of a problem with separates; I just ignore the number on the tag. But with shift dresses, or really any dress with a straight skirt, by the time I get the skirt to fit, I’m drowning in the bodice. Is tailoring my only option? Has anyone else had luck dealing with this?

    • CKB

      Hate to say it, but that’s one of the main reasons I took up sewing again. So I can sew dresses (and skirts, and pants) that fit properly.

    • TCFKAG

      I think your best bet is looking for skirts with an a-line cut or a faux wrap instead of a sheath or shift dress (which just really doesn’t work for everyone). I’ve essentially abandoned the true sheath dress except for a couple of ponte knit dresses because of the problem you described. Shrug – not all cuts fit everyone.

      • hoola hoopa

        +1

        I have a knit wrap dress and otherwise wear skirts for work. Even when tailored to fit, I don’t particularly find sheaths comfortable or flattering for my body. I have some dresses with fuller skirts for weddings etc.

    • Anonoymous

      I’m definitely a pear (a short pear, at that) and I’ve found Calvin Klein sheath dresses work really well for my curves, but are still nipped in at the waist. You might want to try those!

      • Veronique

        Another pear who loves Calvin Klein sheath dresses! The combination of ponte knit and more forgiving cut work really well. I buy them at TJ Maxx/Marshalls for approx $40.

  17. hoola hoopa

    Color pairing ideas for turquoise or jade?

    I have a top that’s sort of a bright turquoise/jade color that I love, but I can’t figure out what to wear it with. It’s sleeveless, so I must wear it with a jacket or cardigan. I wear it currently with denim, navy, and black. I originally thought I’d wear it with pink, but it’s too bright for my subdued pink clothing – and I do not look good in bright pinks. It does not look good with grey, brown, or my other neutrals. It would look good with white, but I don’t.

    • Alice

      tomato red (orangy, so as not to be too patriotic) ?

      camel + cream?

      + 1 on the burgandy idea

    • KC

      I like turquoise and green (though depending on how close it is to jade, finding the right shade might be tough). If it’s more blue – yellow, orangish pinks, and even red. If it’s closer to green – navy, purple, and camel.

    • hellskitchen

      Second the vote for purple or deep royal blue to pair with this, especially if you don’t want a bright contrast

    • j

      Orange – I wear a lot of that teal/jade color and burnt orange together. I think I’ve seen another commenter here who does this, but I use a color wheel/color theory when I get dressed (there are design websites that help you come up with color schemes too) and am constantly surprised at how good some seemingly odd combinations can look together.

  18. Em

    Guys, can I just share that I found out today that for the second year in a row, I have an appellate brief due on the day after Memorial Day. Do I have some file in the Court of Appeals somewhere with a big target painted on it?

    • Nellie

      Extension? The first one’s usually given as a matter of course. (Of course, know thy court.)

      • Em

        Unfortunately it’s an expedited briefing schedule; we need a decision by a particular – rapidly upcoming – date. Sigh.

  19. Anonymous

    So I have a chronic, completely non-contagious skin disorder than unfortunately makes my hands look really disgusting. Cracked, inflamed skin with bizarre discoloration and hard/shiny patches. It’s ugly, and (according to every dermatologist I’ve been to) there’s just not much I can do about it. My question is how do I deal with shaking hands at work? I know I’m not contagious, but other people don’t. And I’ve seen the grimaces. Should I make a comment? Ignore it? Wear gloves constantly?

    • Monday

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I think if I were you I’d go to shake hands as normal, and if I saw the “grimace” I might softly say something like “it’s a genetic issue”–whether that’s exactly true or not–just to let them know that they’re not taking any risk by shaking hands. If they still squirmed, I’d just let my hand fall away so as not to draw out the awkwardness, and smile.

      It’s admirable that you’re focusing on other people’s comfort at work when you’re stuck with this skin condition around the clock.

    • Anne Shirley

      I’ve dealt with something similar, albeit temporary, and usually just waved a handshake off with “oh I’m just getting over something . . . It’s SO nice to meet you.”.

    • Samantha

      Sorry you have to deal with this condition, and with people’s odd looks or questions.
      In your situation, I”d also worry that people are put off not just by the looks/worry about it being contagious, but also by the ‘feel’ of your hands being rough or cracked when they shake it. Not to mention how bad it is for your healing hands to constantly come into contact with others’ (potentially germy) palms.

      For all these reasons, I’d just wear gloves in your situation. You can say it’s due to an injury, or a burn, or a skin issue. Maybe some soft (cloth?) gloves that would also help you heal and feel ok to the handshaker.

    • Samantha

      Sorry you have to deal with this condition, and with people’s odd looks or questions.
      In your situation, I’d also worry that people are put off not just by the looks/worry about it being contagious, but also by the ‘feel’ of your hands being rough or cracked when they shake it. Not to mention how bad it is for your healing hands to constantly come into contact with others’ (potentially germy) palms.

      For all these reasons, I’d just wear gloves in your situation. You can say it’s due to an injury, or a burn, or a skin issue. Maybe some soft (cloth?) gloves that would also help you heal and feel ok to the handshaker.

  20. MB

    Following on the “what were you like in high school” question, I have a question for moms: how do you deal with it when your kid says he/she feels lonely and unpopular at school – and it sounds familiar, because that’s how you always felt? My son is in elementary school and he told me this morning he hangs out by himself a lot because he doesn’t want to play with other kids, or they don’t want to play with him. He has already used the phrase “I’m just not popular” with me. I was an awkward kid who did not make friends easily, until I got to high school, so I am kind of at a loss. His teacher has not mentioned to me that she thinks he is socially isolated but he definitely feels that way. I don’t want to encourage him to try to be popular but I am worried that he doesn’t feel like he has friends. Is there something I can/should be doing to help him with this, or is it something he needs to figure out on his own?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have kids, so take this with a grain of salt. Can you tell whether he is upset about it or is he just telling you a fact about his life that he is fine with? If its the latter, check out the book Quiet: An Introvert’s Guide in a World That Just Can’t Stop Talking. There is a good chapter on raising an introvert child.

    • LH

      I also don’t have kids so take this with a grain of salt as well, but my belief is the best thing you can do for kids is just let them be who they are (unless of course who they are is dangerous, etc). Unless he’s expressed a desire to change the fact that he hangs out by himself a lot, I would just reassure him that he’s normal and you still think he’s awesome. I was a very quiet, nerdy kid in high school (see earlier post) who didn’t have many close friends and really appreciated that my parents (who had similar high school experiences to me, especially my mom) just accepted that, hung out with me when I wanted to hang out with them and left me alone when I wanted to be left alone as opposed to bugging me all the time “Why don’t you want to go on a date? Why don’t you want to go out with the other kids on a Friday night, etc?” I had one good friend in high school and her parents kind of took the latter approach of encouraging her to go out more and socialize and be a “normal teenager.” I think they had her best interests at heart and were loving parents, but it damaged her self-esteem and her relationship with them. When my parents saw me home every Friday night reading or watching TV or studying or whatever, they just acted like it was normal and, as a result, it made me feel like I was normal.

    • EmmieK

      If he’s saying he’s lonely, can you get him into an activity outside of school with an entirely different group of kids?

    • ER

      I agree with both LH and EmmieK. I am very introverted, and structured activities help me a lot in interacting with other people.

    • MB

      Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I agree about letting him be who he is, but he has expressed to me that he feels lonely sometimes. He is an only child (not by our choice, we were unable to have another child) and I worry about that sometimes. He is in a couple of extracurricular activities that he enjoys and he has friends at both of those . He also gets invited to plenty of birthday parties. He is kind of sensitive, so I wonder sometimes how much of the isolation is real and how much is him being sensitive to the fact that other kids might have “more” friends than he does. Part of why I’m struggling is because I just have no good advice about how to help him make friends, as I was terrible at it until I got to high school and met other people who were like me. I keep telling him “be yourself” but he is really smart, with a quirky sense of humor and some offbeat interests, and I realize that “being himself” may not appeal to many kids, although he’ll probably (like I did, and his dad) find a really cool “tribe” in high school and college. I really appreciate folks listening and giving advice.

      • anon

        I don’t know the age of your kid, so it will make a difference. I also don’t know how boys are different from girls – my school age child is a girl (the youngest is a boy and he will have absolutely no trouble making friends – they’re like 180 opposites). I’ve found when the kids are young, the parents are really responsible for a lot of the orchestrating of friendships. My daughter is quite introverted, but wants friends, and without being a helicopter parent (because that is *so* not me), I’ve managed to coordinate some playdates and things that have gotten her in with the “in crowd” (and I’m appalled that I’m talking about the “in crowd” with a 6 year old, but these are the times). Could you encourage some friendships with neighborhood kids or other families you know and like?

        • MB

          “I’ve found when the kids are young, the parents are really responsible for a lot of the orchestrating of friendships.”

          Yeah, this is part of the problem too, is that I am introverted myself and I am not really the type of person who is going to reach out unsolicited to other moms and set up playdates. Especially not if they are the “in crowd” moms at my son’s school, who are absolutely not the type of women I would ever befriend in real life, sorry. (They’re a little too “Real Housewives of” for my tastes, and I also don’t think they’re imparting good values to their kids, from what I can see – there’s a lot of materialism and classism.) I have done some playdate setup but also think there’s way too much social engineering that happens with kids these days, and I feel like it’s healthier for kids to make friends organically. The friends I eventually made, without my parents’ intervention, turned out to be real friends who I’m still friends with today. I’d rather my son make those kinds of friends later, than more superficial ones sooner, if that makes sense.

          • Meg Murry

            While I totally agree with you about making more substantial friends later as opposed to superficial friends now, I think your son probably just wants someone to eat lunch with and spend time with on the playground – not necessarily a best friend forever, just someone to hang out with. Could you talk to his teacher and find out if there is another introverted child that also might be a little lonely sometimes? I was having this conversation with a friend who has a daughter a few years older than my son, and she said her daughter was coming home every day saying “no one wants to play with me”. After talking to her daughter and her teacher, she realized that her daughter was typically only approaching the “popular” girls, who already had a circle of friends, and when turned away (and the other girls weren’t being mean, they were just already playing with someone else) her daughter would just give up and go sit by herself on the playground. The teacher was able to steer them toward another introverted girl, who was also an introvert, and now the 2 girls hang out together at recess and have occasional playdates. So could you talk to your son’s teacher (or go to a class event and just observe the interactions between kids) and see if there is another introvert you could suggest he get friendly with?

        • MB

          Meg Murray: so interestingly enough, this is what happened today at school. I had had a conversation with my son about trying to find other kids who looked like they did not have other kids to play with, and he came home today talking about a new boy he played with at recess who had been playing by himself. I asked my son, “so are there other kids you two could play with?” and he said there are. So…I am hoping this turns out to be a positive move forward for him. I think it is just a matter of finding his “tribe.”

      • Mama

        What about finding some families with similarly aged kids that share his “quirky” interests? Usually you can find a lot of commonality with personalities among shared interests. Set up playdates with these people, where both he and you can feel comfortable and accepted. If he feels like he can be himself with these friends, it will go a long way to helping him feel less lonely and/or isolated – even if he doesn’t have a lot of friends (i.e., having several close friends may make him feel better than having a lot of arms-length friends anyway).

        Also, a gentle word of caution, in your answer above, you sound like you struggling with some of the personality types of the parents in your son’s class. Be careful not to project your image of the moms onto the children, or to reject the children as possible playmates for your son based entirely on the parents’ behavior. Even if you couldn’t imagine being friends with these adults outside of this context, you may just have to have some uncomfortable playdates for your son’s sake until he gets a little older. Also, keep in mind that a lot of that showism/one-ups-wo/manship falls away on an individual basis. Even if the other parents seem intimidating when they are all together, you may find a few that you really like – you just have to get to know them, and try out a few before you find the genuine ones you click with. Just don’t let your introvertedness stop you from trying!! Your son will thank you later, as social interaction now will help him develop the skills he’ll need to make true friendships more organically as he gets older (also, playdates with a variety of kids may help him realize that he may not *want* to be besties with all the kids in the class – which will make the decision to have fewer friends be more intentional and less lonely, so think of it as a selection process for him, as well).

    • saacnmama

      We go through this a lot. My son’s in 4th grade. When I tell him I was a lot like him, I’m not sure how much it helps him–sometimes he really brightens up, but sometimes he just shrugs. We have, at times, done some pretty intense work together (intense because his emotions are so intense when we talk about these things–when he claimed not to want to play with the other kids, what he meant was that he found approaching them to be really intimidating) with me asking him to describe other kids’ social behavior, then picking someone with something to emulate and focusing on observation of that, practicing at home, trying it out at school. Another one was inviting kids to do something with him–play or eat lunch or whatever. He’s very clear on the difference between “playmates” and “friends” and really wants the latter, gets bored with the former, because he’s such an introvert. He’s in a really small school this year, and it’s hard because the other 5 (yes, just 5) boys in his class have all been together for years and years, so lots of ‘getting to know you’ questions are answered by the other kids. He’s always had one friend before now, the drop to “0” is harsh, and the teachers refuse to help. He’s also quirky, very smart, probably has ADD. I tell him it will be better the higher up he gets in education/work, but we’ve got to get through these years! I’m proud of him for being the geeky guy he is, who likes learning and science and toddlers and dancing, but it isn’t easy.
      I agree with you on “Momfias” too.

      • MB

        sacnmama, this is totally where I am at: “I’m proud of him for being the geeky guy he is, who likes learning and science and toddlers and dancing, but it isn’t easy.” My husband was extremely geeky in school, apparently, and now is a pretty brilliant IT guy, and also just an all-around good person. I had tons of guy friends in high school and college who were the same way and all ended up successful. The biggest thing for me is, I don’t want my son to change who he is to fit in with kids who have bad values and who will damage his self-esteem if he is not exactly like them. Sigh. This part of parenting is a lot harder than I thought it would be! It’s good to know there are other folks going through it.

    • hoola hoopa

      You could consider changing schools. Based on your description of the kids/parents at his school, it may be a matter of moving him to a community with more in common with him and your family values. This is fairly drastic, but it worked perfect for someone I know who was in a similar situation.

      • saacnmama

        Do you mean me or the OP? We are looking at different schools for the fall, and are both mighty tempted to just home school

      • MB

        Hoola hoopa, we are considering it. My son is in a really great charter school, but even though the student body is chosen by lottery, the student population isn’t really that diverse, and there are a lot of wealthy families whose kids ostracize kids who are not wealthy. (I think by absolute standards of our area, we would be considered “wealthy” but we certainly don’t act like it, or at least, we don’t act like these other families.) I am torn, because it is *such* a good school academically – my son is in first grade but reading at a fourth-grade level – but I am beginning to think it is socially just not a good fit for my son.

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