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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
It's always fun to see designers think outside the box, and I often ask myself whether the little tweaks work or whether I'd do things a bit differently. This is Lafayette 148 New York's take on a shirtdress, and it's definitely MORE appropriate for work in some aspects — it doesn't look like a man's billowing shirt, for example, or like you've forgotten to put on pants. Furthermore, the crisp fabric and striping make it more conservative than a flowy shirtdress (for example, this silk number from Equipment), and the twist detail in front gives a flattering, tailored look. There are some drawbacks, though: I'm sure wrinkles will be a problem, and I'm guessing this is a good dress for a woman who is good friends with a tailor (or is herself talented with alterations!), and of course there’s the $498 price tag. It's available in sizes 0-18 at Nordstrom. Federica Avalon Stripe Dress
Psst: I saw this one too late to feature for today, so it's only marginally less at $450, but it's gorgeous — and this one I like a lot for $89 but I think the shortened side hems make it a “know your office” situation. Looking for something in plus sizes? This one is cute and goes up to 28W.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Ladies, I would love to hear about your experiences if you are or know someone who is GC of a university. I’m hoping to escape biglaw and have no experience in academia. Thank you!
Anonymous
I know of one person who is tasked with employment law at a university. And another who deals with something within an academic medical center.
My nightmare would be to take a job like this and have it blow up in some UVA/Title9/fraternity/Duke lacrosse nightmare. Founded or unfounded, it seems like you’d catch all the blame and might render yourself unemployable. I almost feel that some jobs are there just to serve as cannon fire — sacrifice a legal person so that nothing sticks to the institution.
Anonymous
Cannon *fodder
Anonymous
I guess look to Michigan State right now if you want to see a worst case scenario. And also the gynecologist at University of Southern California.
As much as I don’t love biglaw, having just one client that is able to obscure things this significantly terrifies me.
OTOH, if you’re just dealing with a construction contract to build a dorm, that should be easy enough. Or maybe dealing with IP licensing at a research university.
Anonymous
It’s my dream job. I want the hard cases and high stakes and big challenges
Anonymous
I think it’s a tough job – you rarely get credit for things going well, and you will definitely get blamed if things go wrong. That’s true of most legal jobs to some degree, but I think it’s amplified in this role.
anon
I was in-house at a university. It was amazing and I loved it, but so different from biglaw. I wasn’t GC, but here are some observations:
-many things move slower (can be good for your schedule, but also frustrating coming from biglaw).
-depending on your university, you may have better hours than in biglaw or you may have worse hours
-professors have tenure, there are a lot of stakeholders, and processes for decision-making reflect that. there’s more persuasion involved that at a typical organization.
-while you don’t have a lot of ability to compel people to seek or take your advice, you’re responsible for any problems that result
-my work often felt like it mattered more than when I was in biglaw and I sometimes got to work on ridiculously cool projects
-I had phenomenal colleagues, most with biglaw backgrounds. Not all universities have a great in-house teams and I think this would make a big difference.
-check out NACUA for more
Anonymous
Can you share the type of university and what the salary was in the GC’s office?
Different Anon
Salaries for all public universities are publicly available.
NYCer
I have a friend who worked in the GC’s office of one of the big, private universities that has been mentioned above in this thread. He was not the GC – I believe his title was “Counsel” – and his salary was $125K. This was only four years out of biglaw though, so presumably it could be slightly higher if you have more experience. I know that the health, retirement, and tuition benefits are great though.
Ultimately, he left and took an in house job elsewhere at a significantly higher salary.
Anon
I work at a large, public state university in the Midwest with a strong research emphasis. Our GC makes about $250k, his associate counsels make between $100k and $150k. Cost of living matters a lot. In this small city, you’d be extremely comfortable on $100k but that’s not true everywhere.
anon
I don’t think I have helpful hard data on salary. Some 990s will have GC comp.
I worked at a private research university and pay (plus awesome benefits) didn’t feel significantly different on a per hour basis than biglaw, but I worked fewer hours (and had tons more control over my schedule) than biglaw. I also value the benefits pretty highly (vacation and sick days you can actually use! good health benefits! retirement matching!).
Anon
Also worked at a university in a similar role.
– Everything moves much slower. People take days and weeks to respond to email.
– Professors with tenure have a LOT of say regarding university policies. Your client will be the President of the university but the President likely will want a lot of consultation with relevant stakeholders (professors, staff, unions). This makes everything take forever.
– In my experience, all the cool/interesting files were outsourced because our department didn’t have the resources to deal with them. We were stuck doing internal policy reviews and otherwise managing outside counsel.
Anon
I was in house at a healthcare organization, not a university but had a similar experience to your last point. One of the many reasons I hated it and went back to private practice.
Anon for this
Yes. I went from BigLaw to an associate/assistant GC level position at a public university. I worked with a coach to do it — she helped me decide this was what I wanted, and prepped me for interviews. I had 3 offers at about the same time and she helped with that, too. One thing she really helped me was on adjusting my expectations/attitudes and interview answers. (She worked in a student facing role in higher ed, but worked with the GC’s office enough to help me rework interview answers and be prepared.)
One of the best things she helped me understand was that if people aren’t paying, they often aren’t valuing. I was used to clients who were paying a lot and usually valued my advice. That doesn’t always happen now Pro bono clients can still value advice, but now I’m often dealing with a prof who wants to do something and doesn’t want to hear no.)
She also helped me with some of my interview answers. Now that I’m in the role I understand, but at the time I didn’t. You need to be careful because a lot of people think that since they liked being in school, they’ll like working at one. But those are two very different things. I almost never talk to students, and if I do, it’s because of a discipline issue.
I am so glad I made the change, but not for the reasons I thought I would.
Bewitched
No offense, but please don’t think your Biglaw experience qualifies you to be a GC at a university. SLAC, maybe. Sr. counsel or similar, maybe. Many GCs have worked for decades in academia. They have experience with employment law, research, technology transfer, finance, corporate, environmental issues, planned giving, potentially FOIA, freedom of speech and public demonstration rights, public relations, government relations, real estate, not for profit and board governance issues. I could go on and on. It’s a great job, but I would suggest you start at a lower level and work your way up. Most universities will require prior higher ed in house counsel experience or substantial experience as outside counsel. The NACUA recommendation is a great one and they have a job board.
Yuck.
For the past few years, I’ve noticed that when I wear tampons, I have urine leakage. It doesn’t happen without a tampon in; I think even wearing a menstrual cup is okay. But I can see that the tampon itself absorbs a lot of urine, and this morning, my pajamas were actually damp. I haven’t given birth or been pregnant yet, but I’d like to be soon. Any experience with this, ideas on what to do, or if I should wait to address until after pregnancy? Is this a Kegel-fixable thing, or should I talk to a doctor? This is embarrassing, needless to say.
Anonymous
See a urologist. Also pelvic floor physical therapy with a physiotherapist who is trained specifically in that and who does an internal exam. They are thought of as a post-child birth thing but they also treat only pelvic issues like incontinence and prostrate issues in men.
Anon
A tampon is not absorbing urine. The tampon is inserted in an entirely different part of your body, the v a g i n a, from where urine is expressed; the urethra. You really need to see a doctor and look at some anatomy images. Something else is going on.
K
I think she means the tampon string absorbs the urine that wet her underwear, not that she thinks they’re the same hole.
OP
OP here. I do know that those are two different holes, but even so, a tampon comes out saturated (with clear liquid, not blood) and smelling of urine. But again, this doesn’t happen without a tampon… so maybe the solution is just to stick to cups and not worry about it? I just don’t want to ignore something that’ll become more problematic down the line, particularly during or after pregnancy.
Anon
Those two parts of the body are pretty close together. It’s entirely possible, especially if it’s not in far enough. Maybe a shorter tampon would help? Some brands are longer than others.
Anonymous
Tampons absolutely can absorb urine. You should not comment disputing someone’s account of their own body when you obviously have, at best, very limited knowledge on the subject. Most urine leakage occurs through the vagina and not the other hole. In fact, Poise makes tampon-like devices to insert in the vagina that are specifically intended to absorb urine.
Anon
Yes, but that is actually a significant medical problem! And needs attention right away, not a course of Kegals. If your urine is leaking into your vagina, internally, a trip to a specialist is in order asap. If it is simply residual external creeping of urine up the string, tuck the string inside and most of that should be resolved. The two are vastly different scenarios.
Anonymous
I thought the Poise things were not to absorb urine, but to apply pressure that prevents urine leakage.
Anonymous
This. If you have urine in your vagina, you have a urogenital fistula and you probably need emergency surgical treatment.
Anonymous
Are you sure it’s not just from the string? I try to hold the string out of the way when I use the bathroom, but if any urine gets on it, the bottom of the tampon will absorb urine and the string will make my underwear damp with it.
anon
Have you tried tucking the string up and inside? That solves the issue.
Anon
Are you using the bathroom with the tampon in? I am just not able to do that, ever. I’ve tried for years. No matter what I do– hold the string, tuck the string, etc– the urine makes its way to the tampon and saturates it. Can you try changing the tampon every time you use the restroom and see if you still have this problem?
Anonymous
I mean I go like once an hour because I drink a ton of water, so it’s not really practical to change that often, but ymmv!
Anon
This is why I use a diva cup. Its so much more sanitary. I can go pee and it doesn’t soak up the urine and i don’t have to empty it unless I want to.
Vicky Austin
Tampons might just not be right for your body…although I do think you should mention it to a doc if you anticipate TTC soon.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I wouldn’t be entirely sure you’re having leakage. I find the string will absorb urine while I’m urinating and if I don’t then change the tampon to a fresh one, will hold onto that and make my underwear damp. Why not try changing into a fresh tampon every time you pee (might need to go to a light tampon) and see if that solves it.
Anonymous
I’m just shocked you wear tampons at night! I was taught that’s a no-no and always wear pads but would be delighted if that’s incorrect!
Cat
I think that is an outdated rule from the days of TSS, no? I’ve been wearing them at night for nearly 25 years…
Vicky Austin
Pretty sure as long as “overnight” doesn’t go over the recommended wearing time you should be okay! I do it once in a while when nothing else will do the job.
Anon
I think there are hour limits but the overnight rule hasn’t been a thing in the 25 years I’ve been using tampons.
See a uro-gyn
I’d suggest you get a consult with a uro-gynocologist or at least a pelvic floor physical therapist. If nothing else it will give you peace of mind and they can assess your pelvic floor strength pre-childbirth. I’m on the other side of the kid equation – had them at 28 and 31, but ended up w a uterine and bladder prolapse that took a hysterectomy, bladder repair, and rectal repair to get everything back where it’s supposed to be in my early 40s. I learned after the fact that I was basically doing kegals all wrong and that I wasn’t supporting my pelvic floor well in some of the exercises I was doing at bootcamp. Who knows if I could have avoided the surgery, but I probably could have delayed it till later in life and now I’m in a 12-week course of PT trying to build my pelvic floor strength back from 0 so that I can jog and spin without peeing on myself. I wish more ob/gyns in the U.S. were more proactive on the importance of pelvic floor support.
Counseling Schmounseling
How do you find good pre-marital counseling? Most people I know have had counseling done by a pastor or other religious leader, but we’re specifically looking for something secular. My searches so far have brought up a lot of things that look pretty gimmicky- a thousand dollars for a one-day session that will solve all your problems forever! We think it’s important to work with a professional to discuss our relationship and identify/work through areas of difficulty and conflict prior to getting married, but we don’t know how to find a good source for that.
If anyone has specific recs, we’re in the greater Atlanta area, but I’d also appreciate any advice you might have in finding good counseling and weeding out the scams. Thanks!
Anonymous
Gottman (John Gottman) Institute programs and therapists are a solid source for counseling.
Senior Attorney
+1
nuqotw
Ask your respective regular doctors. They will usually have someone to recommend. You could also ask your ob/gyn.
Anonymous
The very conservative denominations I know might counsel you in a way that might run counter to run your life. But you are in a big city, so if things seem shady, a lot of religious counselors are really just church-based social workers who will listen to your concerns and try to steer you to the right place. E.g., my big SEUS city has a Lutheran counseling service close to uptown that I’d use in a pinch (not Lutheran, not top 3 protestant demonimation in my city). You could start with a Unitarian-counseling service — they might be the most sensitive, but I’d check with Episcopal / Jewish counselors also.
IMO, with premarital religious counseling (needed in my church b/c I was marrying someone not just divorced but also a parent), the sentiment was never Do X b/d G-d says obey your husband. It was more “are you going to be able to handle the stresses of your lives,” “will you be good to each other as life tests you,” “how do you treat each other when things get rough,” “what do you think about work / finances / decision making.” Those issues aren’t unique across religions or among religious/nonreligious people. Not sure if that is cause for optimism (finding a counselor) or alarm (all of these religions and non-religions and NO ONE has figured it out yet — people are complicated!).
Anononymous
I agree – we were married by a Reform rabbi and our counseling had basically nothing to do with religion. It was just talking through Big Issues and decision-making. That said, I don’t think rabbis normally counsel non-Jewish couples they’re not marrying, so I don’t know that it would be an option. But if it is, I don’t think you should automatically write it off.
JazzyRose
I assume the Unitarian-Universalist denomination would similarly not cover much religious material. Since these churches are home to lots of atheists and LGBT people, they should be able to recommend counselors that aren’t too conservative.
Walnut
My Catholic pre-marital counseling had all the religious questions in one section. Since I was marrying an atheist, my priest skipped right over them. The rest of the material was really useful and facilitated useful discussions.
Vicky Austin
+1 – the non-Catholic parts of Catholic premarriage stuff sparked some really good discussions for us too.
Idea
Have you asked your EAP employment assistance program?
Anonymous
Throwing this out there (and feel free to ignore this suggestion if I’m totally missing the point of your question)- could you look into a regular couples therapist, such as one a couple would go to when they’re already married and having trouble, and see if the have either recommendations for specific premarital counselors or if they themselves could see you for a series of 3 or 5 or whatever sessions? .
Anon
This is what I would do.
HSAL
That’s what I did – the therapists were all based out of a church, but the counseling itself wasn’t religious at all (though I’m sure that varies).
Anon for this
My husband and I started sessions with my therapist about a year before we got married (and still continue) and found it very helpful. I feel like you could find a couples counselor and let them know what your aim is and pick one that “feels right”. When we refer to her as our “relationship coach” people are on-board and super-curious. But if we call her our “therapist”, you can see the worry lines. I don’t know why there’s such a stigma but it’s nice to have an objective third-party help us talk through all the “different family/upbringing/baggage” stuff without defaulting to “dude, you’re crazy and make no sense to me”.
Anon
Found one by just searching for a family and couples counselor with solid training and certifications. By recommendation or by looking on the Psychology Today website. Any good relationship counselor will have done/be able to do pre-marital counseling.
Paging CoolSculpting?
I replied to your follow up question on the Friday thread, but here’s my response:
The recovery was totally fine – I had it done on a Friday morning, and I was back at work on Monday. I haven’t gained weight weirdly – I actually think I’ve gained pretty consistently across my whole body, so I think overall my proportions are much better!
Anonymous
I am too busy and wimpy for a tummy tuck. But I’d consider Cool Sculpting. Any other insights / advice?
I’m perimenopausal and have packed on a size below the waist (mainly in the tummy) that I suspect is permanent. I was already a pear, so I’m just trying to get back to a 1-size disparity b/w my top/bottom half (vs 2 sizes or more).
I’d really love it if I could drop my kids at school, get this done on a Friday morning, take Friday off, and have as normal weekend as possible. Any downtime in driving?
OP - Paging CoolSculpting?
Sorry for the confusion, this was about lipo, not the coolsculpting procedure!
Cb
Advice on low-key anger management? Once a month or so, the frustration builds and I end up yelling about something. This weekend, it was about our cat who keeps spraying things and my husband’s passivity in face of cat wee. I tend slightly towards hyperbole but I don’t threaten, name call etc, I’m just mad about situation X and my/his/our failure to fix it. I’ve gotten better about taking 10 deep breaths or walking away but it still happens and I’d like it to stop.
I think I yell (or cry) because I don’t feel like my concerns are taken seriously which is part of a larger ongoing conversation about communication but in the meantime, I’d like to stop yelling.
anon
I don’t know — is yelling out of frustration once a month THAT big of a deal? I agree that would help to look at the underlying causes, but sometimes stuff just builds up. Are you directing your yelling at someone, or at the frustrating situation itself? Because the first is really harmful, and the second is much less so, IMHO.
Anonymous
I legit use Daniel Tiger’s countdown to calm down “Countdown to calm down, five, four, three, two one.”
And sit your DH down for a serious chat about not being heard except when you are upset.
Anonymous
I don’t have any good advice but this is me too. I have this weird emotional cycle with things that frustrate me – notice, nag, repress, rage, apathy. I tried counseling for a while. It helped me to be more cognizant of my emotional cycles which I guess helps me mellow out, but I haven’t been able to break the cycle. I’m currently trying meditation through the Head Space app and I think it’s helping a little.
Cb
Oh gosh, this is totally me, right through to the apathy ‘I guess nothing will ever change, we will live in this smelly house for ever…’
Anonymous
Ugh yes. It’s like each Frustrating Thing has a fuel tank for how much emotional energy I can give to it. I work myself up so much that I burn right through the whole tank. I see Frustrating Thing later and I think I should feel something about it, but there’s just no emotion left in the tank.
Anonymous
You don’t have to be perfect. If your husband doesn’t clean up cat pee, and you yelled, apologize promptly for yelling and deal with the bigger issues. Consider whether this is PMS too.
For me, yelling is about frustration. I try to recognize that and just say “I’m really frustrated about this” and walk away
Anon
I was thinking about this too. I had a blow up this weekend that I totally think was related to PMS. Especially if it happens about once a month or so… I think the best thing for me is to apologize for the blow up after the emotional roller coaster described above has passed. Thankfully its usually only my SO who witnesses these problems.
Also, I get really unreasonably angry when I am under a lot of anxiety. For example, I get super anxious driving, and I used to get really bizarre road rage. So, connecting those kinds of dots might be helpful. Like, maybe the cat smell set off some kind of anxiety.
My cat regularly drives me up the wall but I love him to death, so you are in good company.
Cb
So true on the triggers…the cat smell leads to a panic spiral, that people are going to judge us, that we can never have guests or nice furniture, etc.
Anon
I’m Anon at 10:50 am below. “Spiraling” is notable symptom that my depression is perking up again. Not saying you have clinical depression but anger issues and spiraling are two of my main symptoms. I’d say it’s worth addressing with a therapist. Assuming you don’t have depression, there may be a relatively distinct cause that is too subtle for you to identify independently.
anon0321
Oh didn’t see this and made the same comment below. :)
Anon
I know it’s recommended here often (and I’m generally a huge proponent of it) but a short stint of therapy may be really helpful for you to identify any recurrent underlying issues.
Vicky Austin
+1. My experience was almost exactly what others have described: PMS set off a big teary blowup like clockwork for several months in a row, until I finally clued into the possibility that maybe something bigger was going on (my period hadn’t affected me like that since it was brand new). Two months of therapy was all I needed to talk through some grief I hadn’t dealt with and learn a couple CBT techniques, and I’m better now. Hopefully you can find a good way to manage this. Good vibes.
Anonymous
Consider that your anger is proper maybe instead of squashing it all down. I would be LIVID if some stupid cat was spraying my things (resident cat hater here). Like, nobody would sleep until we figured this out and the cat would be in a carrier until surgery occurred or it was rehomed. I would have no chill about cat pee on my things and a husband who passively let it happen. Anger isn’t a 100% evil emotion, sometimes it’s telling us something we need to hear.
Anonymous
I tend to yell when I feel as if my husband doesn’t understand or is minimizing my concerns, as if increasing the volume will somehow increase his comprehension or empathy. Is it possible that this is happening for you?
Cb
Yes! I’m like a tourist who speaks English louder in hopes of being understood. But in my marriage!
Anonymous
+1. This is about being heard. The only thing that helps me is to tell my husband firmly that he needs to listen and have us both stop what we are doing to talk. It’s exacerbated by not feeling heard in the office.
anon0321
This may be totally off base, but any chance this is related to your hormonal cycle (only saying this since you said it happens 1x a month)? I tend to get very touchy right before my period and will explode at my husband (or whoever is in my path) during that week. The issue is usually something that bothers me, but I blow it way out of proportion. I’ve discussed this with my husband/parents/those that are close to me that this might affect, and just having them know and give me a little leeway that week, helps immensely until I’m back on firmer emotional ground and we can discuss the actual underlying issue rationally.
Anon
Agreed with everyone above that suggested along the lines that your anger may be justified, and to explore that. Also, wanted to recommend that you take the cat to a vet ASAP if you haven’t already, as spraying is usually caused by a medical issue, and the vet may be able to fix the issue pretty quickly.
anon
I’d like to start strength training, but I’m clueless on where to begin. Free weights? Machines? Would it be worth hiring a trainer at a gym? I feel like I have cardio under control and have been supplementing with yoga, but I would like to work on building upper body strength. FWIW, I do most of my workouts at home or outdoors when the weather allows. I’m willing to go to a gym for awhile to learn the basics, but ideally, I’d like to have a program that doesn’t tie me to the gym. (I am utterly uninterested in Crossfit.)
Lana Del Raygun
Yay strength training!!! I recommend free weights, specifically barbells, because they don’t constrain your movements, so you get a better whole-body workout with all your good stabilizing muscles. (This may not apply if you’re working around an injury or something like that; always defer to your doc or PT instead of me, a random online powerlifting evangelist.) It may or may not be worth it to get a trainer; this depends mostly on how much a trainer costs but also on whether good trainers are accessible in your area/gym. You want someone who will teach you to perform the lifts and set you free, not someone who will constantly try to sell you on their bullsh!t meal plan, and that can be hard to find in some places. If you can find a “powerlifting coach,” that’s probably a good bet. You don’t need a trainer to do programming for you because there are several good programs available for free or for the cost of a book (or a trip to the library): StrongLifts 5×5, New Rules of Lifting for Women, Starting Strength, Strong Curves (lots of butt work in a way that feels skeezy to me but ymmv), whatever. Just pick one and lift regularly. I started without a trainer, using StrongLifts and the accompanying instructions/videos, supplemented by getting people on r/fitness and r/xxfitness to check my form by video. If you’re starting with low weight (the bar = 45lb) and in reasonably good shape, you probably won’t injure yourself by this method.
Resistance training is the best way to build strength, but weights can tie you to *a* gym (not necessarily the one you learn at). You may be able to set up a home gym, though. I got a power rack (with full safety bars so I feel comfortable lifting heavy without a spotter) on Craigslift for about $300 including a bar and weights. You can gain strength with bodyweight training but it can be harder/more complicated, and ironically might make you more trainer-dependent because it can require you to learn more different motions rather than just doing the same lifts with more weight. This is well out of my wheelhouse though so I refer you to r/bodyweightfitness. Please take everything I said about bodyweight training with a grain of salt except this: I do not recommend “You Are Your Own Gym.” It’s annoying and complicated and starts with way too much volume, even in the very beginner level.
Also, read Casey Johnston’s “Ask A Swole Woman” column. :)
Lana Del Raygun
https://www.thehairpin.com/2016/07/ask-a-swole-woman-getting-started/
https://www.thehairpin.com/2016/08/ask-a-swole-woman-how-to-learn-to-lift-and-which-shoes-to-wear/
https://www.thehairpin.com/2017/06/ask-a-swole-woman-should-i-get-someone-to-teach-me-to-lift/
https://www.thehairpin.com/2017/10/ask-a-swole-woman-how-do-you-go-to-a-gym-though/
https://www.thehairpin.com/2017/05/ask-a-swole-woman-is-just-5×5-enough-what-about-accessories/
Lana Del Raygun
Oh also read this http://the-toast.net/2014/11/13/want-pick-lift-man-overhead-fitness-roundtable/ Thank you, I will shut up now.
Anon
I’d follow a well known strength training program – probably New Rules of Lifting since you are interested in upper body strength.
That said, there are a ton of really good, VERY challenging body weight exercises for women that can get you out of the gym. Doing pushups with good form is hard. If it gets too easy, elevate your legs. Doing pull ups/chin ups is very challenging for most women too, and crazy good for overall upper body strength.
If you want to do something “fun”, I cannot recommend aerial silks or pole dancing enough. I do silks and it has been amazing for my strength. Be warned though – it’s not an easy hobby!
Anon
I second pole dancing. It’s so much fun and your upper body especially gets great work out. One thing no one tells you about silks, if you get motion sick easy it may not be for you. I almost upchucked in class from the spinning and rocking
Anonymous
OMG I had no idea. I get violently ill when I’m not driving, so I guess this would NOT be a good idea for me.
Work it girl
Machines are good for a beginner but ultimately free weights are a much better workout and easier to do at home. I would suggest hiring a trainer to learn the basics so that you start with good form. Bad form can really do a number on your health and make your workouts less efficient. Once you’ve got the basics down then there are tons of apps and websites dedicated to writing up/following workout sets. Sculpting classes might be cheaper than a personal trainer and still give you input on form and movements, but the class dynamic versus lifting alone is pretty different for me.
Anon
Yoga! Using your body as a weight is a great place to start.
Anon for this
Anyone have success proposing and implementing technological change at their office? My job does not have a CRM system and is generally scared of the cloud. I imagine this applies to other industries, I’m a lawyer.
Anonymous
Build a business case. Gather up facts and information, start socializing things with potential allies.
Chat with IT- what have they had in the past? How much work is it to bring up new systems? How much person-power does it take to maintain the current system?
Pull in sales/marketing (assuming you have hose gncriins)- how do they manage and track lead gen now? Have they looked at CRMs? Why don’t they have one?
Ask Operations how they manage tickets (if this is a thing).
Then start writing a gap analysis. What do you want to be able to do that you cannot do now? How much effort do your work arounds take? Who else would benefit?
If you have documentation saying a CRM could save 40 hours/week acros the org with an average hourly rate of $50/hr, that’s ~$8k a month.
Or if you say it can help close deals 30% faster or increas leads by 30%.
Those are things that get Those With Budget and Influence to listen. And make sure IT feels in the loop.
Anonymous
Do you have an IT department? talk to them first. Next would be getting educated through research and vendor proposals on which system you want.
Work lunches
It seems like this is a dumb question, but I just can’t figure it out.
My workplace has no convenient food source, so I need to bring my lunch every day. However, preparing my lunches over the weekend (I do it all at once) is my most dreaded chore. I just haaaate it. And I never end up with things I’m excited to eat.
Is there any reasonably healthy, reasonably cheap way to have lunches ready to take to work that does not involve preparing them myself? I can microwave when I get to work, but I need no assembly involved, and each lunch needs to be in one container. Thanks.
Cat
Amy’s frozen meals?
Anonymous
I eat frozen lunches for this reason. I buy a lot of Amy’s brand in particular. They’re generally pretty healthy (low calorie and veggie-heavy) but the sodium is high, it that’s a concern for you (I have extremely low blood pressure so I don’t worry about it).
Anon
I also hate packing a lunch but I would rather save my money for eating dinners out, so I suck it up. My best method is freezing leftovers in single size portions when I cook. I live alone so I’ll cook enough to feed 4-6. I’ll eat one portion for dinner, save one portion for lunch the next day, and put the rest in the freezer.
Idea
Have you considered frozen lunches/dinners? I have bought a stack of say 5-7, various flavors and types, Mexican, Chinese, pizza, whatever, and stack them in a corner of the office freezer, and take out 1 every day. This seems kind of obvious to me. However, I know there’re lots of reasons to avoid frozen lunches (price~, sodium, flavor, etc.) I also have brought my own seasonings and condiments to add to such frozen entrees, if that helps.
Anonymous
Idk but I’m interested in responses. I used to bring Lean Cuisines to work every day until it occurred to me that maybe that’s not the healthiest way to go about my life (also, those things are not. filling. and I got tired of being hungry all the time).
I’m currently on team weekend meal prep. I’ve experimented with different ways to simplify my routine. I make a huge batch of something at least once a month so there’s always something in my freezer for the weeks that I can’t meal prep. I keep some staples on hand for quick lunches requiring little assembly or grocery shopping. Cheese, nuts/seeds, olives, and dried fruit for simple salads (um, even if I don’t have lettuce). Beans, cheese, rice, salsa, and the little guac packages from TJs make good burrito bowls.
Friend
I just want to say, I know you’re a Type A Overachiever since you’re on here. But…. it’s ok to choose something(s) to NOT overachieve with. And it’s ok if (one of) that Thing for you for Office Lunch. Not every lunch every day has to be frugal and healthy and delicious and homemade and instagram-worthy… it’s ok to pack 4 and then treat yourself on Friday. Or get out of your office. Or order in. Or get some snacks from the grocery store on the way in. Or heck, even the gas station. It’s ok not to “do” lunch this way.
Anonymous
Just chiming in to say I am on here and a Type B overachiever.
NotAllOverachievers
It’s great to see some diversity.
Anon
I think I’m more like Type C.
Anonymous
I’m a type B moderate achiever.
Anon
I’m a recovering type A trying to get along in a good-enough job after finally chucking the high stress long hours big pay job.
Anonymous
Congratulations! You’ve accomplished obtaining more balance.
S
There are dozens of us!!
Anonymous
Trader Joe’s bagged salads are great. Each bag will give you two lunches. Top with some protein (hard-boiled egg, TJ’s precooked chicken strips, beans), and you’re all set.
Anon
Frozen stuff from Trader Joe’s is the way to go. Read the labels to find the good stuff made with real ingredients, heat at home in the morning, and then put it in a thermos or glass container to reheat at work. This works for me because the quality of the frozen food is actually really good, some items are organic, and I refuse to spend my free time meal prepping.
busybee
You could buy a rotisserie chicken and cut it up. That makes a week’s worth of protein. Pair it with the microwavable “steam in a bag” veggies and you’ve got your veggie source. For a starch, I like the Seeds of Change microwavable quinoa/wild rice pouches. I guess it’s still “assembly” but it’s literally dumping things from a pouch into a container.
Or just do frozen meals, but that’ll get your sodium intake pretty high if you do them every day. Trader Joe’s has some good prepared food of the wrap/salad/sushi variety. Or you could go to the hot buffet of your local grocery store and just pack up five meals to go.
anon
Same dilemma here. I keep a few Annie’s frozen meals on hand for days when I just can’t deal with making lunch. Sometimes, if I have dinner leftovers that freeze well, I’ll portion them out for future lunches. It’s basically a homemade fix for a frozen dinner.
I also keep lots of snacks in my office to supplement basic sandwiches.
Equestrian Attorney
I have a few Amy’s frozen or other healthy-ish single serve meals on standby in my freezer. I also think we overcomplicate lunches – sometimes I make complex and nutritious meals featuring a lot of ingredients, sometimes lunch is cheddar cheese, crackers and an apple. It doesn’t always need to be a big to-do.
Anon
I bring my lunch every day, but it’s not a chore that gets to me. Part of this, I think, is that I rotate in no-prep lunches on a semi-frequent basis. This can be things like part of a rotisserie chicken + frozen peas poured straight from the bag + a hunk of baguette from the store. Ditto rotisserie chicken + a prepared store salad.
I also live in an area with lots of ready-to-eat options in grocery stores for lunch/dinner. When I’m just not feeling making my own thing, I grab one of those that looks okay.
These all aren’t the healthiest choices, especially sodium wise (not something I watch), but they really make it possible to bring something cheap and healthy the other 80% of the time.
Rainbow Hair
Yeah, I switch between dinner leftovers and a TJs salad picked up the night before. The salads are never more than $5, and are often more like $4, so like, I could make them cheaper at home, but not that much cheaper, and… I am not going to make them at home, so this is a good choice for me.
anon
I just ate my meal prepped lunch that was super low effort and delicious!
I had pasta and salad dressing (balsamic vinaigrette, but anything would work) at home and I bought:
-2 bags of Trader Joe’s mixed cruciferous veg
– a container of goat cheese crumbles
– a bag of dried cranberries.
Cooked and drained the pasta, combined everything in the pasta pot so as not to get another bowl dirty, and portioned it out. It was delicious and I’m so excited to eat it for the rest of the week. (Note that my breakfasts are high in protein, so I don’t need a lot of it at lunch time.)
Anon
I used to bring boxes and cans of soup and dump them into a container before microwaving them. I had a stockpile in my cube.
Anonymous
I have brought those flavored tuna packets, a bag of salad greens and dressing packets and done quick salad. I also like the bean salads from delis.
anon
I bring leftover dinner from the night before. I purposefully plan dinners so that I can take leftovers the next day.
Anon
The key to this for me is to assemble my lunch for tomorrow before taking dinner to the table.
Anon
This is my lunch formula. I hope this is helpful.
Over the weekend cook some grains – I like brown rice – and roast some veggies – I like cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots. Hardboil 5 eggs.
Buy a bag of salad and some hummus (or make your own!). Optional is protein – make extra meat if you’re making it for dinner and put some aside for your lunch BEFORE you serve it (this is a must in my house which includes a 16 year old boy.)
Lunch is this piled in a bowl with a lid: salad greens (I skip sometimes), grains, hummus, roasted veg, hardboiled egg or optional meat (a chicken thigh is nice, or leftover roast chicken, or whatever meat you had on hand). I always have one of the two – the egg or the meat.
I don’t warm this up. It comes to close to room temp as it sits in my office until lunch time, and that’s the right temp for it.
The hummus serves as dressing so don’t skimp on it. I like a drizzle of olive oil depending on how much salad i have or how dry the veggies are. Salt and pepper are nice to have if you can keep some in a drawer.
Oh, sometimes I throw some nuts on top if I have them.
In the summer I might rely less on roasted veg and more on fresh. It just depends on what I have around.
For health reasons, I try to buy the bagged greens that say superfood – not just chopped romaine or iceberg, which is basically nutritionally void. I want the stuff that has spinach and baby kale and beet greens, something that helps me get calcium because I am dairy-free.
Hope this helps. I change the ingredients up so I don’t get bored but I find this consistently delicious.
Vicky Austin
I struggled with a similar dilemma for a while and what helped me most is just bringing the components of my lunch to work. I’d buy a bag of salad greens, another of baby carrots, a salad dressing I liked and any extras I wanted. Somehow assembling a salad every day before I ate it seemed less daunting than carefully packing 5 salads into tupperwares on a Sunday afternoon at home. And I would literally pop into work on my way home from the grocery store on the weekend and leave it all in the fridge.
Anonymama
Yes this. Can you just keep salad ingredients at work, bringing a bag of lettuce every week, and assemble as needed? Or sub in pasta or whatever. And keep nuts, cheese, sun dried tomatoes, artichoke hearts, dried fruit or whatever in a drawer to Jazz it up.
Anon
I take a single can of soup to lunch and heat it up in a microwave safe bowl that has a lid that I got form TJ Max. Other options i have tried are the bags of salad with dressing/nuts/cheese in them. And frozen meals are a good runner up (especially if you have the cash to splurge on the fancy stuff).
Trader Joes has the best frozen meals if you can get there, and not wait in line so long that everything defrosts.
Anon
Get a mixture of pre-made or frozen items you can assemble into a single-container bowl. It’s something you can do either with no cooking, or very little cooking if you’re open to the mostly hands-off cooking a pot of rice and putting chicken in the oven (30 mins total prep time).
My favorite is: Trader Joe’s Indian Fare Pouches, rice (either make it or buy the packets in the TJ’s freezer section) and cut up chicken breast (again, either buy the frozen grilled pieces of chicken breast at TJ’s OR roast in oven with olive oil, salt and pepper).
Anon
We have a place in town that sells pre-made dinners that you can microwave. I’ve considered buying them at the start of the week and using them for lunches instead of dinner.
Lilly
Go to Reddit and search for posts on “adult lunchables”, if you might be content with a snack-ish kind of lunch.
Housecounsel
Splendid Spoon? Haven’t tried it but it looks interesting.
Montreal bagel
I am a type A overachiever who like to eat well but who has limited time to cook on the week ( +50 hours job + 3 year old twin + husband with a demanding job). I want to eat healthy and I am avoiding high sodium meal so frozen dinner is not an option for me.
I used a meals delivery service in my area for 3 dinner and ordered 3 lunches. My lunches are usually either a salad with a protein (mainly egg or salmon), soups (with a protein – chicken or beef) and some vegetables curry + lentils. I also have leftover of a big meal we will cook on the weekend. Plus once a week I will go out for lunch. It was the best option for us: yes it is pricier than cooking/making it myself but I am saving time. You can google meal delivery in your areas and ask people around you for recommendations. I had to try 4 or 5 before finding my favorite. Good luck!
Anonymous
I pack my lunch while cleaning up dinner. Usually leftovers from dinner, but sometimes just an assortment of snacks–nuts, fruit, cheese, veggies and dip, yogurt, etc. I find it easier to do it as part of dinner clean up.
EM84
I order ready-made meals for the day from a soecialized service. The 5-meals per day get delivered to my apartment in the morning, they cater to my food allergies, meals do not repeat often, they are tasty and well-balanced and I never looked back. I microwave them in the office.
Anonymous
I honestly take the same thing everyday and switch the parts depending on my mood. Its usually a protein, carb, and fruit/veggies. So like I might take fresh pre-cut veggies or fruits that are easy to wash and go like grapes or strawberries and then turkey lunchmeat and crackers. And I never get bored because I can always switch each part, like if you have leftover chicken from the night before or get different kinds of lunchmeats (ex. get some turkey or low-sodium pepperonis if you are craving pizza). For the carb is can be crackers, bread, leftover quinoa or just the other day I got mini everything bagels on sale so I took those. And the fruits and veggies can always be switched up to your taste or the season. I know eating similar meals everyday isn’t for everyone, but it works for me. Also, I like having cold meals because I can throw an ice pack in and we’re good where as not every office I work at has a way of warming things up
Anon
The Democrats are going to tear each other apart over who offended whom while Trump laughs all the way to election 2020. Yes, the Northram photo is racist and offensive. Yes, Elizabeth Warren made some questionable speeches about her Cherokee background. Yes, Kamala Harris didn’t toe the party line 100% on criminal justice reform. While the Dems infight about this and refuse to accept the concept of apology and personal growth from the past, Republicans are focusing on winning. I feel slightly sick picturing the Dems mounting a successful campaign.
Anononymous
The Northam photo is totally different than the other things you listed, and I don’t think it’s leading to party in-fighting? Pretty much every Democrat has condemned it and called for his resignation. But yes, Harris, Warren, etc. and their supporters will criticize each other in the primaries. That’s how primaries work. The ’08 primary was pretty brutal and not only did Obama go on to win, Hillary ended up serving in his administration. An incumbent president always has some slight advantage in that he doesn’t have to participate in a primary, but Trump is incredibly unpopular and the economy is likely to tank before the end of 2020. I wouldn’t worry too much yet. And I’m someone who was pretty confident Trump was going to win in ’16, even after the Access Hollywood tape when everyone said he was dunzo.
Anonymous
I disagree. I think there are lots of compelling candidates and it has been positive so far. I think if you can’t remember if you e been in blackface or a klan good you don’t deserve public office.
Anon
I think you’re understating the problems. Kamala Harris didn’t just not “toe the line;” she expanded the state’s power to prosecute criminals to make her record look better. That’s something that worries a lot of people on a lot of levels.
Northam made an ad what, last year, with a pickup truck with a Confederate flag and a Gillespie stickers harassing black kids. Personal growth? No, more like projection and deep-seated issues.
Does your side allow for personal growth, or were you all shredding Kavanaugh for drinking beer in high school? Because maybe your rules are bad and you shouldn’t inflict on conservatives what you don’t want inflicted on you.
Anon
The difference is Northram apologized and has committed his service to the betterment of the lives of all people under his charge. Moreover, posing in a racist photo is in no way analogous to attempting to rape someone.
Anon
Nor is serving out one time in any way comparable to a lifetime appointment
Anon
*term
Anon
Kavanaugh did not attempt to rape anyone. He never met Blasey Ford, and a professional sex crimes prosecutor said that there wasn’t even probable cause.
Stop drinking the Kool Aid and think critically.
Anonymous
Um.
anon
Wow if only you’d been there to testify with your personal knowledge and clear this whole thing up for everyone. /s
Anon
Did he though? He apologized but then he walked it back and said he wasn’t in the photo. He said he learned just last year or something (from “Seth”) that blackface is not ok. That’s pretty horrifying for a 50-something who’s been a doctor for 25 years. To be clear, I think attempted rape is much worse. But I don’t think what Northam did is ok. Good for him if he’s grown personally, I don’t think he’s a terrible, evil person, but I also don’t think he’s fit to be governor. Elected officials should be held to a higher standard than the general public. This would be cause for firing at my (very low level, not public facing) job, I don’t know why it’s not cause for firing at his powerful, prestigious job.
anon0321
I’m a dem and I also agree his apology was the worst non-apology- why even bother saying what he said? People need to take a course in really owning up to past mistakes, apologizing, and taking active work to learn more and do better. I do think in most cases people should be given a 2nd chance, especially if a lot of time has passed, but not if they aren’t willing to wholly own up to their mistakes and take those active actions.
Anon @ 3:01
As a Black woman who has had relatives involuntarily sterilized (siblings of grandparents), I wouldn’t be surprised if his attitudes resulted in substandard medical care for non-white patients, which can have serious consequences.
DCR
I think there is something to be said for the fact that conservatives will hold their nose and vote for someone they don’t like for the sack of the party, when too many liberals refuse to vote for anyone who isn’t 100% perfect. But the time for that argument is in the general election – the primaries are the time to dig up everything and analyze all the problems/mistakes in a candidates past and consider whether this is the best person for the job.
Also, all the republican presidential candidates and many party members attacked Trump in 2016. It didn’t stop him from being elected
Small Firm IP Litigator
“I think there is something to be said for the fact that conservatives will hold their nose and vote for someone they don’t like for the sack of the party, when too many liberals refuse to vote for anyone who isn’t 100% perfect.”
Yes this.
Anonymous
It’s called a primary, it’s by nature a competition – it happens with both parties. You sort through a lot of the controversy on the front end to get to hopefully the most electable candidate. Only one ends up on the ticket. That’s how U.S. Presidential races currently work. Are you new?
Anon
It’s called a primary, it’s meant to be competitive – both parties do it and that’s how U.S. Presidential elections currently work. You sort through the controversy to get to hopefully the most electable candidate. Are you new to all this or just trying to stir up trouble?
Anon
I totally, a million percent agree with what you wrote here: “Dems…refuse to accept the concept of apology and personal growth from the past.” We’re talking about 44 years ago. I mean, Prince Harry dressed up as a N@zi for Halloween just a couple years ago. I’m not saying these things are ok, but holy moly, have the people crucifying others never said or done anything wrong? I’m in politics now, and there’s a pic of me from college doing a keg stand in a bikini. Do I want that out there? No. Would opposition skewer me for “loose morals” or something else? Heck yes. I am sure Gov. Northam is so sorry he ever took that photo. But holy moly, “youthful indiscretions” is a phrase for a reason. Let’s forgive and look at the whole of a person and stop assassinating people over one mistake.
Anon
Being pro-KKK is not a youthful indiscretion.
Anon
Posing in blackface next to a KKK hood is not remotely comparable to doing a keg stand in a bikini and you know it. I was born in the early 1980s and have known my entire life that blackface is racist and unacceptable, and the KKK costume makes it significantly worse. I think it’s true that we all did things in high school and college that make us cringe now. I don’t know a single person that has worn blackface.
anon
And he wasn’t a youth. It was 35 years ago, not 44. He was 25 and graduating from medical school. I’m not saying that you can’t have personal growth on major issues as an adult, but he was an adult about to enter a career in medicine and the military. This photo was not a “youthful indiscretion,” and I don’t think it’s unfair to hold someone accountable for their actions at 25.
Ellen
I think we all do dumb thing’s but we should NOT have to pay forever for those dumb things. We should all be given second chances if we are truly remoreseful. I do NOT know the facts here, but it seems he was a dumb medical student who was able to become a doctor and now a governor. So he must have gotten smarter over the year’s, Dad says. I will have to study this case before rendering a formal opinion, but I do look at things with an OPEN mind, and we all should do this before just rushing to judgement. FOOEY!
Anon
Do I find the Northram photo offensive? Of course. Would I vote for him after I knew about it? At least not in a primary without a substantially better response/apology. Do I think he should resign if it will trigger a special election and a substantial risk that a republican would win the seat? maybe not
Anonymous
Can someone please explain to me how the Northam photo wasn’t found until now???
Anon
Right? Gillespie really needs a refund from his oppo research folks!
Anonymous
And Northam’s vetters. . .
Anonymous
Seriously. Don’t most school libraries keep a copy of yearbooks? I feel like that’s just opposition research 101.
Anonymous
Or even just classmates! I know I’ve looked back in my own yearbooks for people who have achieved some level of fame…
Anonymous
I figure the Republicans had it all along and were waiting for him to make a misstep so they could pounce. They thought he was vulnerable because of his comments on the a b o r t i o n bill, so they put the picture out there.
What boggles my mind is that his own team didn’t find it and warn him before he ran.
Anonymous
how would it trigger a special election? The Vice Governor or whatever would take over.
Anon
I don’t know VA election law that well, but in many states if the Governor steps down, the Lt. Governor only serves until a special election can be held. How soon the special election is held will depend on state law. I would not assume that the Lt. Governor will serve the rest of his term
Anon
Huh? If Northam steps down, the Lt Governor becomes governor. The Lt Governor is also a Democrat. There’s no way a Republican would become governor.
Anonymous
Well, they are hunting down Justin Fairfax now, too.
Anonymous
LOL Trump has the lowest overall approval of any president. https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-approval-rating-historically-unpopular-president-least-ever-1128666
The Kavanaugh nomination was a fatal wound to Republican women’s support https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2018/10/08/donald-trump-women-gop-221080 and the shutdown trashed his support with the rest of his base. https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/01/trump-approval-polls-shutdown/581215/ Almost half of all voters will definitely not support him in 2020 https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/almost-half-of-voters-are-dead-set-against-voting-for-trump/
There’s no way he’s cruising to reelection. Just none.
Nice try on the trolling but the VA governor needs to resign, we need to get this racist trash out of the Democratic party since it has a nice cozy home with the Republicans already, and I am very excited for the D primary. It won’t be a clown car run by Stephen King’s IT like the R primary in 2015/6, it will be a big tent with lots of great policy ideas.
Anonymous
One more link: Black women are the key voting demographic for 2020. https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-women-african-american-black-voters-2020-deciders-0124-20190123-story.html
What does that mean? It means that posing in a KKK hood is completely unacceptable, there is no “that was years ago”, “it might not even be him”, “it was supposed to be a joke, bro” bullshit that will fly in 2020. Democrats need to, and are, looking to the future. Asking the governor to resign is, under these circumstances, completely appropriate.
Anonymous
It’s like y’all have never heard of Robert Byrd.
If you haven’t take a second and google . . .
Anon
I don’t know about you, but I’m ok with moving into an era in which association with the KKK is automatically disqualifying, no questions asked.
Anon
Let’s use the right words to describe the problems. Northram posed in a racist costume based on the KKK (If he was the one wearing the hood), but was not “associated” with the political terrorist organization that was the KKK. It’s like saying Prince Harry “was” a Nazi for wearing his offensive Nazi costume. They are both problems, but they are not morally equivalent. You can say you find it automatically disqualifying, but there is SO MUCH STUFF that will automatically disqualify every other qualified candidate, especially in an age where people are jumping all over Kamala Harris for having questionable criminal justice policies and demanding apologies for not being 100% progressive in every policy at every point in history.
Anonymous
Your concern trolling is adorable. Putting a picture on the yearbook page that you curate that shows SOMEONE in a KKK outfit IS ASSOCIATING WITH THE KKK. Which is a terrorist organization. https://www.splcenter.org/hatewatch/2018/09/12/study-shows-two-thirds-us-terrorism-tied-right-wing-extremists It’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not innocent, it’s not harmless. It’s advocating for murder and violence as a way to prevent the spread of ideas like equality. It has no place in the Democratic party, which is the party that represents my ideals of equal protection under the law.
Prince Harry shouldn’t have worn that costume and he apologized. Obviously he can’t resign from being a prince and does not represent voters. The VA governor does, and should either TRULY apologize (no moonwalking, no shoe polish, wtf) or resign.
Anon
I was referring to the post about Robert Byrd and saying that just because he was allowed to be a senator in the fairly recent past doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold people to hire standards going forward. That said, I do think there’s a huge difference between ignoring an extremely racist photo, and putting aside differences on policy. I agree that generally Democrats need to get better at voting for someone who is not as progressive as they’d like, or more progressive than they’d like, and not letting perfect be the enemy of good. But I think you can draw a pretty significant distinction between quibbles about Harris’s or Warren’s policies and calls for Northam to step down as a result of this photo. I don’t see perfectly eye-to-eye with anyone, and have significant disagreements on policy with most of my close friends. I’m confident none of my close friends have ever worn blackface or a Nazi uniform and that none of them have sexually assaulted someone (and if I found out they had, I wouldn’t want to be friends anymore). I think ruling out people who have done these overtly racist and misogynistic things still gives us a big pool of people to choose from. I’d also add that it seems to always be white men getting themselves into these scandals – women and POC are generally much cleaner, because they have to be (twice as good to get half as far and all that). And honestly I’m fine with no more white men in power unless they’re genuinely excellent people who can prove they’ll do right by women and minorities.
Anon
*higher standards, good grief
Anonymous
Has anybody here had IPL for broken capillaries/redness on their face? My problem areas are around the nose and chin. What was your experience and recovery like?
Anonymous
Following. I have some on my legs I’d like to get rid of.
Anon
I didn’t have IPL. I had laser. (Candela v beam I think). It works but I had some down time – red splotches for a while where the capillaries burst. Just invest in some stage/pancake makeup and you can go back to work immediately. But if they’re not bursting the capillaries, it won’t work, so you really have to deal with it. Just schedule it when you don’t have a speaking engagement or conference or the like for a couple of weeks.
Anonymous
I have also heard that IPL is more spa-like and less splotching, but also less effective. I wanted something that was actually going to work, which is why I went for the laser. It’s one and done.
Cat
Check out Mackenzie Horan’s blog. She did Fraxel (rather than IPL) and was happy about it. Gave a fairly thorough review.
SueDC
I’ve had IPL several times, and it was extremely helpful. Despite all the sunscreen, I tend to get broken capillaries on the sun side of my face from driving. Every couple years I get IPL at a relative low power, and most of the red simply disappears. Once, I got bruising (waited several years between treatment), but it went away in a week and was easily covered by makeup. I find that the treatments also do a nice job shrinking my pores. I go to the physician’s assistant in my dermatologist’s office (and I’d never do IPL at a salon)
Anon
I tried a spinning class this weekend at a place similar to soul cycle, and enjoyed it more than I expected. A question though: by the end of it, my but was very sore from the seat. The last song was sprints while sitting on the saddle, and it was hard for me to go fast because it was so uncomfortable to stay seated. Does this get better after the first class (or if i start doing maybe one or two classes per week)?
Anon
No comments on spinning specifically, but butt soreness from biking improved a lot for me after I started biking to work. My husband reported the same. However, I did buy a seat with cut-outs designed for female anatomy – guessing those don’t exist in spin? Either way, stick with it and wear padded shorts every time!
Houda
When I used to go to RPM ( a similar workout) I bought specially padded cycling shorts. You don’t need to go to cycling shop, I had some by Adidas and others by Kalenji
Anonymous
It never got better for me. I cycle probably 30 miles a week when it’s nice out, always in good padded shorts, and it’s always incredibly painful. I’d cycle a lot more if it didn’t hurt!
Anon
I think you might have a saddle that’s all wrong for you. If there is a bike shop in your area that offers a fitting service, it would be completely worth it for you to find a saddle/position that works.
Anonymous
Yes, it gets better after a couple of classes. Have the instructor check your setting to make sure your position is good. If it continues, you can add padded cycling shorts which will help.
Anon
If you’ve ridden before and this hasn’t been an issue, my guess is the saddle wasn’t high enough.
Do you wear cycling shorts? Those are definitely helpful, though everyone is shaped differently, so what brand/make/model works for me might not for you. Pearl Izumi and Louis Garneau are both in the sweet spot for good quality that won’t cost a ton of money.
Anonymous
Yes it gets better after a couple weeks. Soul cycle has pads you can place on your seat also.
Aggie
Yes, this goes away with consistency. They sell padded shorts and gel seats to help ease the transition, but I have found it is best to work through it for a few weeks.
NYC Anon
Yay spinning!
Yes! The soreness will be barely noticeable after your second class and none at all after your third. I always find if I take a few weeks off from spinning I get sore a bit my first class back.
busybee
Make sure your seat is in the correct position. That helps keep your weight distributed evenly.
The soreness does get better. I tend to alternate between spinning and running. When I start spinning again, I definitely notice the soreness much more at first, and then it gets better after 2-3 times.
Anonymous
It gets better, for sure. Just have to push through.
kk
Make sure you’re sitting correctly- tilt your pelvis back so that your tailbone stays pointing behind you- never down at the bottom of the floor. Keep your sitz bones way back over the widest part of the seat, and keep your back as flat and long as possible. You want to create a long diagonal line- from your tailbone pointing at the corner of the floor and back wall, to the crown of your head pointing at the corner of the ceiling and front wall. Some soreness is to be expected but the correct posture will help a lot!
Anon
I wear my bike shorts to spinning. They make styles that have a built-in pad (fyi, you’re not supposed to wear anything underneath).
Annony
It should get better … you’ll get used to it, your form will improve, etc. But in the meantime, I highly recommend getting a gel seat cover – just bring it with you, put it on over the seat.
Worry about yourself
Hello, fellow spin newbie! I too started spin, at a Soul Cycle-esque place, and my butt hurt a lot. And it hurt the second time too, and will probably hurt tomorrow when I go in for my third class, but I’m positive that each time it’ll hurt a little less, and eventually your body will get used to it. I’ve also heard that padded bike pants/shorts are a thing and they help a lot, although I’m not sure I’m going to buy them until I know spin is something I wanna do consistently.
washable bedding
Can anyone recommend a place to shop for bedding that will look decent under hard use? My taste runs to Pendleton wool, but right now I have two muddy pets who sleep with us. So I need something that can be thrown in the washer regularly.
Anon
Duvet cover. We have the ticking stripe from IKEA which gets washed weekly because invariably our dog hops on the bed with muddy paws.
The original Scarlett
Pendleton makes washable wool blankets – I love mine.
Anon
Not a pet person – but you let your muddy pets into your bed? Don’t you find that really gross to sleep with? Or maybe I am misreading and your muddy pets sometimes accidentally get in your bed and then you have to wash your sheets pronto. I just don’t understand how people do it with pets. I am someone who takes off their shoes when they enter their house because I don’t want the outside NYC mystery grime tracked through my living space so the idea of pets stepping in that grime and bringing it into my house and then into my bed really grosses me out. Do pet owners wipe off their pets paws every time they come into the house after a walk?
Anon
1) You are not a pet person. 2) Not all pet people let their pets in the bed. 3) Many (most?) of us don’t live in NYC. 4) Not all pet people who let their pets in the bed let the pets under the covers (sounds like OP doesn’t). 5) Sleeping with my dog is heaven.
Anon
I have a cat, but otherwise agree with your number 5 :)
OP
You would 100% hate my pet/bed scenario. But it’s the best stress relief for both DH and I–he literally comes home from his high stress job, boosts the dog onto the bed, and says, “this is the best moment of my day.” And we are the only people who are ever in our bed, so I wash just the blankets a lot. But I would like to upgrade to something prettier than the puke-green polyester atrocity DH has had since before we moved in together.
OP
Also, I think it makes a difference what they would be tracking in. NYC grime would freak me out; I always wipe my own feet much more carefully in cities. Right now, my yard is literally just a mud pit and that doesn’t bother me as much. Come grass season, I will be launching a full tilt campaign to minimize the allergens on my pillow.
ranon
I got this for the same reason. It washes nicely and has worn well.
ranon
with link this time
https://www.target.com/p/solid-cotton-blanket-threshold-153/-/A-50332650?preselect=50283895#lnk=sametab
Anon4This
I have dogs and cats and I definitely wipe down the dogs’ paws every time they come in (also remove shoes). I only let them sleep on top of the covers and it still mildly grosses me out; however, one dog cries all night long if he can’t and I am not interested in making him miserable. He’s the sweetest and senior and I’ve made peace with it.
Anonymous
I also shovel a pile of clean snow near the door to tromp through with shoes, boots, and paws, like a rinse cycle, it keeps everyone clean. We also wipe paws at the door.
We use a combo of white cheap bedding and flannel duvet covers. White sounds counterintuitive, but I bleach it all the time to kill the germs and keep it white. I do the same thing with my sofa covers and pillow covers (bleachable white). We have OLD flannel duvet covers from Macys. So old they are back in style again. They wash and wear wonderfully.
My suggestion is anything you can bleach and/or wash very frequently.
Petite Plus
Petite Plus here (size 18) in desperate need of shorts! Would prefer longer inseam, more softball-coach style than danceline.
where to shop? Thoughts?
Anon
Old Navy.
Anon
Talbots. They already have shorts out, and they offer an assortment of longer lengths.
anon0321
I’m about your same size and 2nd-ing old navy! I used to get the longer shorts you are describing (they list inseam size on the pgs), but the last few years have gotten these flowy ones that I adore. I’ll find a link and put it under in a bit.
Loft also has decent options & lists inseams.
anon0321
It doesn’t look like they’ve launched their full summer short options yet and I’m not seeing the flowy ones yet.
Anonymous
Lands’ End have several inseams
I was surprised to find the middle length was more flattering for my size 16.
anon
Another vote for Old Navy. I am the same size and short as well. ON had some 7″ inseam shorts last summer that were fantastic. They were called smooth and slim or something like that.
Anon
I want to thank everyone who gave me advice last week about being sore after working out. I seem to have gotten over a hump and now I’m feeling much better after working out. Still sore, but not hobbling around like a little old lady. Maybe that means I’m getting stronger? I’ve also been doing more stretching before and after which I think has really helped.
C2
Definitely getting stronger! Congrats! Once you’re consistent about exercise, you’ll still occasionally be sore after working out – it probably means you’ve surprised a muscle group you use less often and it’s mostly a good thing. Just watch for any acute pain that reoccurs in the same spot – that’s typically from overuse or bad form and you’ll want to get to the root of it and rest to prevent injury.
Anonymous
It does mean you’re getting stronger! You are becoming conditioned. Good job! Keep up the good work and power through the soreness.
Rainbow Hair
Ha, I’ve been working out (pretty hard!) regularly for like 6 months now, and I still feel preeeetty sore the next day every time (but I do harder stuff each time?) but it’s not the “omg i cannot lift this coffee cup” sore it was the first few weeks.
Anon
I am 32. My legs are a mess. Pregnancy didn’t make it better (despite wearing compression socks the whole time), but I have always had problems with very visible veins and bruises and scars on my legs. Spider veins and varicose veins. Its enough for me to not want to wear dresses which I know is silly. I wear dresses when I can wear tights or like long tea length skirts in the summer. I haven’t worn a pair of shorts in 10 years?!?
Has anyone done anything to fix this? Did it just come back? Should I just embrace my legs? I am in good shape but these legs. They don’t cause pain they just don’t look great. Doctors are taken aback by the appearance of it. Doctors are constantly worried by the amount of bruising that I have a bleeding disorder but then nothing show ups on follow up blood work. I plan on having more kids so maybe I should just suck it up and accept this is me.
Anonymous
Sally Hansen airbrush legs for fancy and just a regular jergens in shower tanning lotion work for me!
Avis
Have you tried getting a spray tan? It does wonders for improving the appearance of my veiny, wobbly, fishbelly-white legs.
Anonymous
Similarly, I use the Jergen’s gradual lotion during bare leg season. I know my legs are not perfect (how did I get cellulite on my lower calf? Why?) but I just try to put the appearance of my legs out of my mind when I’m wearing a skirt.
anon
I bruise very easily. I am mildly anemic and think those two may be loosely correlated. I’ve been taking prescription iron (Integra) for a couple of years and the bruising does seem to improve a bit when I’m more consistent about taking it. Maybe look at your most recent bloodwork to see if you’re borderline anemic? You could also consult a vascular specialist. S/he should be able to tell you if it’s worth fixing before you have more kids. My mom (five kids) had hers fixed when the youngest was 15+ but she was also having pain, so YMMV.
Anon
I also have broken veins and lots of bruising, and I simply chose to stop obsessing over it. I wear longer length shorts, which in my late 30s finally looks appropriate. The first summer I said, “whatever!” and wore shorts was liberating – I was downright giddy :) Tanning, in whatever form that takes for you – naturally getting sun by being active, spray tan, lotions, etc – makes me feel better about my legs, along with exercise, so that I at least feel good about them being toned(ish).
A girlfriend had her veins done – some sort of needle procedure that deflated the veins – in her mid-20s. She said it wasn’t a pleasant experience, but she LOVED her legs afterward and said it was totally worth it.
Anon
A former employee of mine had a vericose vein removed in her late 40s due mostly to pain, but also she hated how stark it looked cosmetically. She loved the results and as far as I know, nothing has come back.
Anon
Spray tans and Sally Hansen legs for sure. But you can get the veins fixed! And it’s likely covered by insurance. I did mine between my second and third kids, no regrets. You want to see someone who specializes in EVLT. The other options are surgical removal (way more invasive) and sclerotherapy (not effective long term, doesn’t solve the underlying issue). My doctor treated the issue with EVLT, and then “cleaned up” with sclerotherapy. It’s been years and my legs still look great, even after a subsequent pregnancy.
Patty Mayonnaise
Hi there – I highly recommend seeing a vascular surgeon to get checked out. I had similar issues and an ultrasound revealed some medical reasons. I then had laser ablation of a malfunctioning vein in one of my legs. It wasn’t too bad and was completely covered by insurance. Worth checking out! Good luck.
Skipper
How do you list job titles on your resume? I have an organizational title which isn’t particularly descriptive but is definitely what my hiring paperwork says. I also have two functional titles. Can I list the more specific titles or do I stick to the organizational ones?
Pompom
Your resume is a marketing document. Use the title that best markets your role. When you complete the formal application/background check, list the boring organizational title. Hiring managers/HR/applicant tracking systems are comfortable with the dissonance, usually, and can match them up.
Good luck with your apps!
anon
yes, this is a good strategy
Lana Del Raygun
I would put Organizational Title (descriptive title).
Anon
This is what I do as well.
anon
Your resume does not need to be an archive of your organizational titles with exact dates – it is your opportunity to showcase your experience and position yourself in the best way – you should have a headline that brands you and the professional experience/roles are examples of your brand in practice. So you need to use the titles that demonstrate your brand and that is not usually the internal organizational title that only people inside your organization understand. I am in big technology and our LinkedIn profiles are our first resumes – expect recruiters and hiring managers to look at that first. Your professional resume (Word document) should be aligned with and support the LinkedIn profile with additional detail. I also group a series of job titles under one organization headline if you have been there for multiple years – in my case, 10 years at one company. Hope this helps….
Cat
So is your title something super vague like “Director”? In your resume, I’d put Director – [Specific job function]. Then use the first bullet point to explain your role.
If you get to the reference stage, I’d want the resume title to have a logical tie to your organizational title, so that if they call your company they’ll verify yes, Skipper is a Director here.
Grandparents
Missing my grandparents especially now that I am pregnant. So wishing I could ask my grandmas about their experience and gather their stories about being pregnant, giving birth and raising kids.
Anyways share with my favorite memories of your grandparents and lessons learned. I love elder wisdom and old people so much!
Idea
My grandma was so old and fragile and my son was born. The baby would lay in her lap, on his back. She’d place her wrinkled hand (with all the rings and the extenders to get over her arthritic knuckles) on his chest very lightly, and I’m sure it felt like a nice warm blanket to him and he’d just be so happy and calm and go to sleep. The baby was a bit older at this point, no need for swaddling.
Anonymous
My grandmother is 89 and still alive. My kids are 8 months, 2.5 and 5. Her best advice/constant commentary is around how she loves that my DH is so involved and that her husband always was. My dad was a Big Corporate Exec on the road all the time and barely changed diapers, so she wanted to make sure I didn’t feel like it was all on me. She also still makes fun of my mom for being such a martyr (my parents made plenty of money but my mom did everything herself/the hard way and complained constantly).
She also had to do cloth diapers because she was too poor for disposables, had an organic garden because she had 5 kids to feed, and BF’d because formula was too expensive. So she can advise on the stuff she did and also support em for wanting to do what she couldn’t afford.
Delta Dawn
Oh, I love this post so much. I would give anything for one more visit with my grandmother. She passed away shortly after my son’s first birthday. One of my greatest treasures is a photo of her holding my baby in the hospital the day he was born. She wore her very nicest outfit to the hospital to meet the baby because, she said, “It’s important to dress nicely when you meet an important person.”
Cookbooks
My grandmother stressed the importance of not forgetting my parents’ first language (we spoke mostly English at home). She would insist I not speak English to her on the phone so I could get practice. But my accent was (is) iffy at best, and within 30 seconds she saying, “Stop, stop! I have no idea what you’re saying. Just speak English!” Yet, she tried for years every time we spoke. I’ve been better at trying to improve, and I always think of her when I say something that doesn’t quite sound right.
anon
I don’t remember any specific life-wisdom from my grandmother, but she was kind and generous and always had time for others. She made an effort to include someone who might be left out, or to take food to neighbors or church members who needed it. She had been a teacher, and she was always teaching. She taught me to read and to count to 1000, she helped me with homework when she visited as I grew up, and she spent a weekend tutoring me in geometry in high school so I didn’t fail the final exam. If you spent time at her house, you helped with chores and food prep, so my cousins and I learned how to compost and pull weeds in the garden, how to snap beans and make bread and cakes, etc. My cousins and I also had great adventures with her–fishing, camping, visits to local landmarks, and later, some big trips in the summer.
She inspires me to be more present when I parent. So, I try to include my kid in the chores, point out cool things in the world, answer questions (so many questions!), and get out and do things as a family.
Anonymous
No life lesson here, but my grandmother loved Krystal (for the uninitiated, this is the Southern version of White Castle. It’s better, though), and every time I eat it, I think of her. So yes, I have happy memories associated with a fast food burger place and I love it:-)
Vicky Austin
Oh, let’s see. I was a voracious reader child, and my grandmothers kept me well supplied with books. Eventually when I was at their houses for visits, I started to sneak into their “grown-up” collections, and both of them just smiled and winked. One was more of a cook than the other, but they both were hostesses in a way that fascinates me, as it seems to be going away societally (not that that’s a bad thing, just the way of the world), so I think about that quite a bit. My mom’s mom taught me and my sisters how to knit. Adorably, she would spell out words in front of us (so as to keep something a surprise) until well after we were all literate. She was unfailingly optimistic and had a hilarious little laugh that sometimes pops out when I’m surprised. She had a special nickname for each of us, and I remember once my grandpa used mine and I glowered at him and said only Grandma was allowed to call me that. Grandpa played pranks (like buying a motion-activated sprinkler to keep the squirrels out of his bird feeder and telling us to go search the yard for a surprise – splash!) and took us running errands. We made a lot of trips to the raspberry farm in summers, where we met the raspberry man’s chickens and took home a big box of berries, mostly to be turned into “Grandpa jam,” which was the only jam I’d touch aged 4-10. I think I also got my enjoyment of grocery shopping from him, lol.
A lot of what I remember and treasure about my grandparents now (almost all are gone) has to do with knowing their life stories, thinking about how once they were where I am, about everything they lived through and did. I try to take their resourcefulness and optimism and hard work and love (and good recipes) with me.
Ellen
Hugs to the HIVE b/c I still have both Grandma Trudy and Grandma Leyeh, tho not my Grandpa’s. I get insight from them EVERY time I talk to them, as they grew up in the 1940s and 1950’s when things were different, and they say better then today. I try and incorporate their ideas into my everyday life and so far I am being very lucky b/c of them, tho I wish I was able to find a man as easy as they did. Life is much more complicated now, with all of the social media and all.
Avis
Re: voracious reader as a child. My grandmother is a miserable old cuss, but growing up she was the only adult I knew who understood my desire to read for twelve hours a day and eat bland food! I’m now an adult, officially recognised as on the autism spectrum and much better at coping with change and variation, but I’ll always look fondly at the two weeks every summer where everything I did made sense to me.
cbackson
Three of my four grandparents died when I was under age 5 and the fourth was a chain-smoking racist so I’ve got nothing.
NOLA
My grandmother was wonderful and so strong. My grandfather died when she was in her 40s with a 5 year old. She went back to school and started teaching again. She was an incredible math teacher and a talented musician. She passed on her love of music to me and helped me through a difficult school transition with math. We had so much fun cooking and baking together, too! She loved me absolutely unconditionally and was *always* the one who protected me when I needed a safe haven to get over the humps in life. When I was 20 and depressed and having a difficult time at college after my semester abroad, my mom sent me to visit her for spring break and she was the best medicine ever. She died when I was 23 and I still miss her horribly.
Anon
Anyone have thoughts on choosing a start date in biglaw after a clerkship (I guess this would also apply to first years)? I have two potential dates that would leave me with either 1 or 2 months between the positions. I understand that the big debate is time v. money, and I’m leaning towards starting later. I’m wondering if there are any other pros and cons, like indirect professional repercussions that could result from starting later?
DCR
IME, there are benefits to both options but I would pick the later date.
By starting earlier, you have get staffed on better projects – if they need a new associate now, they are going to pick someone from the first group and not wait till the second group starts. But there may not be any matters that really need to staff up, so you could be underutilized during that month. You have a little more time to get to know people, but that evens out after about 6 months
But, there are very, very few times in your life when you can have two month off with a confirmed job and state date and know you are going to start early a huge salary soon If you have any money available, I would travel. I took 6 months off after the bar exam and traveled the world. Although it wasn’t my choice (graduated in the recession), it was the best thing that every happened to me. I lucked out that I had a loan from my firm to counteract the delayed start date to pay for my travel, but this is one of the few times I would consider asking your parents for a limited loan/putting it on credit cards (and I’m one of the most fiscally conservative people I know). I’ve been luckily that I’ve always been able to manage to get 2 weeks off between jobs, but it still isn’t the same as 8 weeks.
Cat
Is one of the dates the same as the incoming class? That could be better to choose (since the firm is generally in “let’s get these people trained and staffed up” mode at that time). The possible downside is people forgetting you’re post-clerkship and assuming you’re a first year, but then again, that could be helpful in terms of setting expectations…
Anon
+1 to all of this (I’m currently a 6th year in BigLaw). I would take the later date, and use the time to travel, to the extent possible.
Anon
Oops! Meant this as a reply to DCR.
anon0321
Team later date- you’ll be essentially their property for however long you work for them, so enjoy your freedom for a month longer. :)
Jane
I’m adopting a cat!!! Please tell me all the things I should be ready with before I bring him in. I’ve never had one so open to all tips, tricks, advice and product recommendations. Especially any specific litter boxes and cat towers.
Anon
I have a cat and have really no frills. I’d get him and see what his personality is like, and then maybe try to figure out what he might like. Mine loves to look out the window, and can do that from a number of window sills. He loves to play with and lose (and re-find months later, somehow, to my slight horror) his catnip mousies, so I keep a stock of those handy. We play fetch with ping-pong balls. He never touches his catbed, and prefers to sleep on top of the table, on a warm spot on the floor, or on a chair, so I put down a soft towel or blanket for him, which he also often ignores. He’s ignored any toys he’s ever gotten, but really loves when I leave Amazon boxes out for a day or two, especially if there’s those big sheets of brown packing paper he can pounce on. He also is fascinated by watching the steam come out of my humidifier and trying to figure out where the bubbles go when they rise through the water tank.
cat socks
Yay, congrats! Here is a bunch of stuff I can think of – but the basics are food/water bowls, litter box and a scratcher. Over time you can see how he’s settling and buy more things as needed.
We have four cats and made our own litter boxes out of huge, clear plastic storage boxes that have lids. If you just have one kitty, you can get a shorter one without a lid. I found regular litter boxes were not large enough for my cat to move around in. The general rule is to have one litter box per cat + 1, but you can start off with one and see how it goes. I like Cat Attract or Worlds Best kitty litter. I found Fresh Step to be way to dusty. Get something unscented. Get a good, sturdy metal scoop. I find the plastic ones to be way too flimsy.
I prefer stainless steel or ceramic bowls for food and water. Plastic can sometimes cause cats to get acne under their chin. If you want to splurge, the food and water bowls from ViviPet are well made and ergonomically designed for cats. But just basic ones from the pet store are fine to get started.
The shelter will probably send you home with the food he eats. If you want to try new food, slowly mix it in with the old. My cats get wet food in the AM and PM and I keep a dry feeder out during the day. You can see how his feeding habits are and adjust accordingly.
A great vertical scratcher is the SmartCat Ultimate Scratching Post. You can also try horizontal cardboard ones.
Da Bird is a great interactive toy. You can also try crinkle balls and spring toys to see if he likes chasing them around the floor. Stuffed catnip toys are fun and you can sprinkle catnip on his scratchers to encourage him to use them. Most cats also love boxes.
When you bring him home, set up in a smaller room if possible and let him explore on his own.
Set up a perch near a window so he is able to look outside. You can add more as needed if there is a specific spot he likes hanging out.
Have fun and take lots of pictures! If he’s young it’s fun to see how he will grow over the years.
Anon
Clean up anything that a cat could get into and eat. Make sure that things like twist ties are always thrown out in a trash can that is inaccessible. Keep chemicals up high or in closed closets.
Your cat will like what he likes. Experiment with different products before buying expensive and bulky items.
Keep the litter box very, very clean, especially in the beginning.
If you have a large house, introduce him slowly. Start with keeping him in a small area, then let him explore the rest of the house.
Anonymous
Get a litter mat. Get the largest one you can find. Every cat I’ve ever had has scattered litter everywhere, even with the fanciest non-tracking engineered litter box, and a litter mat is the best way to keep it somewhat under control.
When you first bring him home, confine him to a limited area and gradually expand it over time, especially if you’re in a larger apartment or house. Let him get familiar with the smells of home before letting him roam around. This lessens the risk of the cat panicking, p**ing on everything, and ending up under weird pieces of furniture.
I have the 3 tiered Am@zon basics cat tree and it’s held up well. Every so often I rub it with catnip, which renews my cat’s interest in it. I also recommend getting a bundle pack of a bunch of different kinds of toys. Every cat is different and you’ll both be happier if you learn, for example, that he loves to chase a crinkle ball but ignores soft mouse toys.
cat socks
+1 to a litter mat. With multiple litter boxes, I have three of the BlackHole Litter Mat. It does a great job of trapping the litter and is easy to clean. Unfortunately not so fun to clean when a cat pukes on it. Speaking of which, I use Resolve or Nature’s Miracle for cleaning carpets.
Anonymous
Question on this- I live in a one bedroom apartment and will be putting the litter box in the bathroom. Do I leave cat in bathroom for a couple days? Or allow cat out but keep bedroom door closed?
cat socks
He will be okay in the bathroom with his litter box, food and water. Just keep the food/water as far away as possible from the litter box. You can see how he does in the bathroom with the door closed and maybe just keep him in there while you are not at home or sleeping. If you’re at home and want to let him out to explore you can keep the bedroom and other doors closed and keep an eye on him while he explores.
Anon
It depends on his/her temperament. If he or she is scared of you or the environment, its a good idea to choose a smaller space that is more comforting/has less scary unknown things in it. If he/she is a happily domesticated cat already, he/she will adjust rapidly and you can let the cat explore. I would wait to let him/her into the bedroom until you know how the litterbox/hairball situation is going. Often a change in food can upset a cats stomach, and new environments can make a cat nervous.
Anon
So, you do you, but I never confine new cats to a small space. I’ve never adopted a cat when I already have a pet, in which case I would. But assuming this will be your only pet, your fine to let him explore the whole house
cat socks
On a more serious note, make note of what the after hours / emergency procedures are for your vet. If they do to not have emergency care, make note of any emergency vet hospitals in the area that take walk-ins or are open 24/7.
Anonymous
+1 The time to need the name of the closest 24 hour ER for your kitty is not at 10 p.m. on a holiday when kitty has an emergency. Ask me how I know.
Also – most of these places have magnets. Go to the ER and get a fridge magnet. If you drive, program the address into whatever GPS you use.
Anonymous
Lots of good advice here! My #1 tip would be regarding the litter box. For the cat to be comfortable the box MUST be 1.5 times their adult length (so they can fit and turn around comfortably). Most litter boxes sold are too short so what has worked well for me is a plastic storage box, without the lid and not super deep — about eight inches, one of those ones for under the bed. Also, I think the best practice is about three inches, minimum of litter (so they can dig and cover easily). I put about 5 inches deep and it makes cleaning so easy. If yours is a kitten, I’d estimate it’s adult size and get something to fit at that size. Have fun with your new furriend!
Anon
Many, MANY common houseplants are extremely toxic to cats. If you have any now, research before bringing the cat home and be cautious about adding new ones.
If you’re getting a kitten, like less than 6 months old, know that it’s a little like having a toddler. They’re adorable but very high energy. It won’t last forever.
Anon
Plan on spending some down time with the cat where you are not running errands, cleaning, doing laundry etc. The cat will need some quiet time to get used to his new living space, and YOU.
Equestrian Attorney
Congrats! I adopted a cat as a complete newbie and can’t imagine my life without her.
The first day, we kept her locked in the guest room with her stuff (litter box, food, water) and took away anything she could ruin or get injured from. She was great and used the litter box from the first time so no advice there.
Ask what kind of food they got in their previous home, since cats can be picky about food. If you can, just spend some time in the room with them (I brought a book and sat in a chair), then let them come to you. If they aren’t too shy, play with them a little. We kept her locked in “her room” at night and when we weren’t there for a long time – now she roams the house as she pleases.
Try a few different cat toys, cat trees, scratchers, etc. Don’t feel like you have to buy all the stuff now – a basic scratcher and one of those feathery wand toy things are probably a good start. I have a Vespa cat tree which looks great but she honestly doesn’t use it much so it was a waste of money…
Gail the Goldfish
If you’re adopting a kitten, consider getting two instead of one. They do better with a buddy, and the second doesn’t add that much work/cost. Not relevant if you’re adopting an adult who’s already set in their ways.
And whatever toys you buy, just know they’ll inevitably love some random free item better (a box, a crumpled ball of paper, etc.)
Books
This. Having a buddy cat is really good for their social development.
Our cats are older now. If you are getting an older cat, I highly recommend a water fountain for preventing dehydration (we have two drinkwells) and heated cat beds from K&L. Each of our cats have a bed that they’ve claimed and spend most of their time in. Theyestments and will last for years and years. I might add these to your cat’s Christmas wish list as a nice-to-have but not-needed-yet.
Cats are wonderful! Enjoy!
KonMari Addict
Yes BUT be careful about adoption two kittens from different litters. Mine *hated* each other from day one (and for 9 years) and are much happier now that they are in separate homes. On the other hand, I’ve heard that this is great if they are from the same litter.
Anonymous
A comfy carrier that opens from the top. Don’t even bother with the clunky plastic things that only open from the front. It’s way too hard and traumatizing for the cat to convince the cat to get into the carrier. It’s a much easier process for everyone if you can just sort of plop kitty in from the top. Mine has a shoulder strap and a normal handle, which is handy because my cat is almost 20 lbs and squirmy.
Books
I actually asked my vet about this on Friday (older cat, lots of vet visits) when I noticed all the other cats being brought in using soft carriers. The vet was like “eh, you do you. We use hard plastic for the cats we transport”. Her concern with the soft carriers was that they tend to start collapsing on themselves as they get older and can squish the cat inside.
KonMari Addict
I’ll add in a recommendation for World’s Best Cat Litter. It is flushable! I keep my litter box in the bathroom (amazon basics covered box with the flap removed). I scoop and flush once or twice daily, and it barely registers as a chore. I’ve used this for over 10 years in 5 apartments, and I’ve never had any plumbing issues as a result.
Anonymous
FYI, I don’t think you’re supposed to flush stool – can add toxoplasmosis to the water supply.
EM84
Food and water bowls (mine only drinks from glass or ceramic bowl/cup), enzyme spray cleaner (to remove vomit stains and smell from floor/carpets/furniture), some green grass the cat can chew on (and later on, vomit), cat toilet with litter (they seem to develop preferences for specific litter brand, so do not buy in bulk before you are sure that this is his/her favorite one). Mine slept exactly zero nights in his cat bed, he loves sleeping with us in our beds, on a sofa, on a chair… Buy a small ball or a mouse and some feathers as a toy, crunch some balls from paper, have a small carton box or paper bag ready as a toy – observe cat’s behavior and only then buy new ones. Nail clippers. Good vet. Some scratcher (otherwise your furniture is a fair game). Transport bag (our just jumps into a soft padded diaper bag without talking back.
Jennifer
I have the modkat tall litterbox and love it. It helps with litter not getting everywhere (there is a hole in the lid that they crawl in through, and jump onto the lid to knock off litter from feet while fully exiting; plus the sides are high enough that no litter gets kicked out), but it is $100 for box for a cat to poop in…
Probably less important than the specific cat tree is where you put it- my cat wants full sun to nap in and a tree full of birds to look at.
Beth
Our cats are obsessed with the TopCat scratching posts and hate cardboard scratchers.
Beth
Also! For the litter box, we bought a rechargeable Black & Decker hand vac that lives right next to the box. It makes it so easy to just vacuum up the extra litter. Also also, Chewy.com is amazing. Two day shipping (and frequently faster than that) and super easy to set recurring deliveries of litter and food. They also sell Ever Clean cat litter which covers scents MUCH better than any other litter we’ve tried
Anon
I’m a thin size 0 but have a stomach that protrudes naturally. This is especially prevalent after I eat. Even if I’m not stuffed, I can have a “food baby” that easily looks like a second trimester pooch. I’ve accepted my body for what it is, but I’m trying to pick a dress for my bridal shower and I want to be able to eat and be in photos without feeling self-conscious that I look pregnant. I found a dress I like that’s somewhat form fitted. I think I might be self-conscious after eating, so I’m wondering, is there some sort of spanx/shapewear/undergarment that I can wear to hide a food baby? Any recs on what style (like do I need shorts or just the tummy part)? I feel like I need something with boning in the stomach part. Also, is there a way to try on shapewear? The store that sells my dress also sells spanx but it’s not returnable so I don’t have the ability to try on different styles. TIA!
Anonymous
You are a size zero. You do not need boning on your stomach you need to deal with your body issues. You do not look 4 months pregnant after eating.
Liz
You don’t know what she looks like and shaming her for “body issues” just because she wears a small clothing size and has a specific clothing concern for an important event is completely unhelpful and unnecessary.
Anonymous
+1. Also, everything is magnified on a small frame. Tiny fluctuations are highly visible.
anon
+1 to Liz and Anonymous at 11:42
Anon4This
+1 I too am a size zero and that’s what happens to a size zero person when you eat/drink. No one thinks you are 4 months pregnant. Also, people know that food babies happen, this is not some sort of secret that the rest of the world is not aware of!! I like Spanx because I like the compression feeling, but it doesn’t hide a food baby, it just smooths things out. Boning for a bridal shower seems extreme to me. Just wear something that isn’t a bandage dress if you are so concerned!
Anon
Actually I’m also size 0 and will look pregnant when bloated. Because I’m so small everywhere else, esp my bust, that the protruding stomach becomes even more prominent. Imagine the worm aliens in Men in Black.
OP, I guess Spanx is a solution but I usually don’t like constricting clothes because it makes my bloating worse. I typically go with more forgiving cuts in dresses to hide instead of highlight the stomach.
Anon
+1
Liz
Amazon has some shapewear in their prime wardrobe program. You can order several different styles and return whatever doesn’t work.
anonym
I’m a size 4 with food baby tendencies! Agree with the above poster that you probably don’t look as big as you think post-eating (although… less rudely), but I totally feel you. I just wear regular Spanx when I have to wear something form-fitting – it doesn’t really suck me in, but it keeps everything smooth under dresses and doesn’t feel too restrictive. I think if you go to a Spanx store or a nice department store they’ll let you try on different styles.
Anonymous
That much bloating after eating doesn’t sound normal to me. Have you mentioned it to your doctor? You might have a food allergy or intolerance that’s causing this. Dairy is a pretty common culprit for bloating, fwiw.
Also don’t get something with boning, it will dig into you uncomfortably and you’ll be miserable all day. Especially if you’re going to be sitting a lot.
Anon
I’ve found that taking probiotics regularly (I take them twice a day) has really noticeably and visibly cut down on bloating for me.
nutella
Hello, same for me. I specifically chose an a-line wedding dress because while the trumpet-style looked awesome the day I tried it on, I didn’t want to be self-conscious about how my profile looked after I ate certain foods at my own wedding, which yes, I was going to eat. Literally one champagne (my fav drink but is carbonated) and my tummy swells a little and I didn’t want to be worrying about how I looked at all.
I will echo others in that if you notice this is an all-the-time thing, you may want to consult your doctor, but otherwise I get it, too, and it’s a normal part of life for me. Especially because I have a small frame and eat big meals. On the few occasions I want to wear a more bodycon dress, I am more conscious about what I eat that day, but to answer your question: if you don’t want to think about it at all, as for dress to wear – something that skims the body or floats away from your waist (i.e. a-line or something with princess seams). If you want to wear something that hugs you below your waist more, I like plain ol spanx (order some from a place where you can return to try the different styles – for me, my waist is my smallest part so I just do the regular shorts because the seam at the waist doesn’t show and is most comfortable). Note- I didn’t not wear spanx with my wedding dress because of the style dress I chose.
Anon
Is there a possibility you have endometriosis? It can cause gut issues, including bloating. I always used to have a very prominent stomach pre-pregnancy, and weirdly, pregnancy fixed the bloating along with a host of other issues (including very painful, heavy cramps). My OB now believes I had undiagnosed endometriosis before pregnancy.
Anon
+1 – also there are other causes, like SIBO, that could cause this look.
Anon
It happens to me, too. I am firmly on team fit and flare, though Rago shapewear is has the boned, old-school type of shapewear if that is what you are looking for. I feel like Spanx always emphasizes my stomach by somehow taking all of my fat and moving it to my stomach – even plain old panty host is better than spanx.
I also find that I tend to lean back, which emphasizes my stomach. If I fix my posture, which sometimes feels like I’m leaning slightly forward even though my spine is straight, my stomach isn’t as notable.
Looking pregnant
This phenomenon is true for me as well. I am thin, 5’7”, 115 pounds, and I do look a little pregnant sometimes after meals, especially later in the day. Those of you who don’t experience this might be surprised how prominent our stomachs can become, even if we’re technically a size 0 or 2 or whatever. I am 57 years old and it has been happening my whole life. I’ve discussed with doctors and there is no apparent reason or issue.
No advice other than getting something that flows well over the pooch if it happens, so that you can feel comfortable regardless of how much bloating is going on.
Ducky36
Congrats on your engagement!
I have the same problem. I’m a 00 with a short torso plus I’ve had two c-sections. Shapewear doesn’t really help me much because my torso is so short and the problem isn’t fat. I don’t know what to suggest for the dress that you already picked, other than maybe focus on good posture while you are at the event. However, I wanted to point you to a skirt that I own (in a different pattern) that is very flattering: https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/floral+full+midi+skirt/570243604?rootReferringURL=https%3A//www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/sale/skirts/cat1170002/&expanded=true&color=1859&catId=sale&fromSearch=null.
It is on sale right now and they have a couple of prints to chose from in your size.
Northwest Islander
I am a size 2-4. One week ago I started to drink nearly a gallon of water per day. Within a couple of days, my entire middle had slimmed down noticeably. I was really shocked, in a good way. My food babies are way less obvious now.
How well are you hydrating? Shoot for a gallon/day and see what happens.
Anon
Today I am gritting my teeth to keep from screaming because I need one colleague to send me financial statements that he doesn’t think I am allowed to access despite the fact that I deal with these statements routinely. I’ve been asking him for two weeks and he finally responded today. I think he thinks I’m a secretary or something and totally insignificant. I emailed him back with a very curt response and had to CC a higher up just to get access to the documents that I need to do my freaking job. I hate men.
anon0321
On try 2, I always cc up the ladder, incl my boss also if necessary- I work in compliance and I’m not messing around w/ due dates and documentation. It almost always gets an immediate response. Also, sometimes phone calls can help. Also, if you think he doesn’t understand your job & why you need the docs- sometimes explaining that early on can help.
Ugh
My SO of 6 years and I have been having a difficult time lately. We just moved in together in early January – moving is stressful, we were both sick, my birthday got mostly overlooked because of the moving/sickness (which I’m still a little salty about, but trying to get over), and there have also been some issues with the new house that have caused stress. It feels like we’re constantly bickering over everything. Any suggestions of how to get out of this funk? Nothing expensive, because money is tight from moving. We thought moving in together would be happy, but it hasn’t been great so far. Ugh.
Anon
It’s just a season. My husband and I bickered when we first moved in together…probably for about 6 weeks or so. Then we settled back in to our normal rhythm. I don’t think you need to do something, just focus on settling back into your usual selves.
Anon
Moving is super stressful, and the weeks afterwards were difficult for DH and I too (and we had lived together previously), as we had to figure out where to put everything, but new stuff, get things fixed, and make a million other little decisions.
I’d recommend taking a day (or a weekend) off from any decision making or anything related to moving in, and do something you both enjoy- long walk outside (weather dependent), picking up a new tv show, doing a puzzle, sleeping in, etc. And don’t talk about the house or the move!
Anonymous
Get the birthday thing dealt with. Not that he has to spend money but he has to do something like give you a massage, that makes you feel special. You need to hash that out.
Are you the one who moved and then the car broke down? Did you get a new car?
Besides that, you need to feel like he will be a good life partner, is he kind, do you still feel he loves you madly? If so then the bickering should die down when you get more used to being up in each other’s space all the time. If you’re having doubts, take a closer look.
OP
That wasn’t me, but thanks for the advice!
SC
Moving is super stressful! DH and I have been together for 15 years, and married almost 9 years. After our last move (about 3 months ago), we were so stressed out and fighting constantly.
My advice is to (a) get the essential unpacking and work on the house done, as quickly as you can, so you’re not stressed out by not being able to find things or important things not working. Then (b) take a break from major work on the house for a month. Spend your free time doing something fun and relaxing. Develop a routine in the house. Allow yourselves to take a deep breath.
Once you’ve recovered from the move, you can tackle new projects together, and it will be more fun if you’re fresh. Most weekends, we pick one project to accomplish together.
Also, if you’re salty about your birthday, ask your SO to plan something now. You can acknowledge and understand that your birthday wasn’t a priority at the time because of the move and being sick, but still want a special day. There’s no reason it has to be the exact day of your birthday.
Anon
I agree with the others who say this will sort itself out – moving is very stressful, period. Moving in together even more so.
If you want to feel like you are “doing” something about the stupid fights/bickering, I’d really really recommend “Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples.” I picked it randomly from the library when my SO and I were going through a similar-sounding rough patch and it was nothing less than transformative for both of us. (I’ve not had that experience with any other self-help style book, which typically don’t resonate with me.) It really helped us understand our arguing/bickering dynamic in a new light and respond in a more relationship-affirming way to the other. I especially recommend the book if you both are strong personalities.
But, all that said, I think time will solve this one by itself…
Cold hands
Ladies, give me your best recommendation for slim, soft black gloves. I don’t live where it’s really cold (northern CA), but I get cold really easily. I’m not looking for anything bulky, just something slim and warm I can wear to work.
PolyD
I got some leather gloves from Amazon a few years back – sorry, I don’t remember the brand, but I believe they were Italian. They are form-fitting, so I guess that counts as “slim”? They are a very nice leather and have a thin cashmere lining. I imagine if you search for leather gloves on Amazon you can find them. They came in all sorts of fun colors, too (I got a lovely olive pair) if you decide you want something other than black.
Liz
I was pleasantly surprised by the gloves available at Target. They’re not warm enough for seriously cold weather, but they have several styles and colors. I got some slim black leather-like ones a year or two ago and they still look great (I’m also not in a very cold area, but I wear them to commute most days).
anon0321
I bought these for my husband and wear them on occasion when I can’t find mine- they are very slimline and have a fleece lining so are super cozy- we live in colder weather, but moved recently from nor-cal, and I think they’d be great there too. https://www.amazon.com/GSG-Touchscreen-Genuine-Leather-Motorcycle/dp/B01MCYBO68/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1549300189&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=gsg+mens+luxury+touchscreen&psc=1
Anon
I would suggest the type of cheap, knit gloves you can get at the grocery store in the winter, but I’m guessing Californian grocery stores don’t have those.
Vicky Austin
I have a pair like that from H&M.
Cat
Do you want them to be touchscreen-friendly? If you don’t care, I’ve had good luck with Lord & Taylor’s house brand of leather gloves (thin and soft). If you do care, both Marmot and North Face make thin-style touchscreen gloves (I think North Face calls them etip) that work well in not-arctic cool weather.
KonMari Addict
Muji has great ones that are touchscreen friendly!
Gemima
(I am getting ads for Depends for ladies of diverse sizes, and also for a Nissan Titan, which is apparently a commercial truck)
I would appreciate help in preparing for my annual review. I am an associate at the satellite office of a big firm. I was brought in to do a very specialized type of work that no one else does. My deal is that I bill X hours over the course of a year (which is way less than 2000), and also that I will be considered for promotion only after three years, because the firm has an allegedly very rigid schedule for promotions, which is way outside of market for biglaw, and which I’ve now seen made flexible for other lateral hires.
I’ve been here for a year now. I have put in way more than X hours as needed and have made myself very available on nights, weekends and days off. I know that I am valued. I am currently frustrated with two things: (1) the hours, which have been creeping upward recently, such that in January I billed more than 160% of my monthly target, and I’m not sure what to do about overflow since I am really the only person who can do my work — I am paid fairly for the extra time, but I just don’t want to work this many hours, and I can see it taking a toll on my family life and my mental health; and (2) that I won’t be up for promotion for two more years, when I can see that I am doing a stellar job and performing at a much higher level than the average associate at this firm.
I am not good at negotiating for myself, and turn either defensive or apologetic. I’m also trying to get pregnant, and so in some sense I feel bad advocating for an “early” promotion when I may be going on maternity leave in the next year (I know this is not how I should think about it, but it is a part of my tendency to negotiate against myself). Please help me figure out what exactly I should be advocating for at my review, and how to say it. I think maybe the issue with (i) should be presented as not really a “them” issue but a point in favor of my getting promoted early, and (ii) should be my real ask. But please give me all your advice. Thanks!
Anonymous
Why would you think you deserve a promotion earlier than 3 years?
Gemima
Because I’ve been practicing for a decade, I am the sole dedicated expert in a certain area, and, as such, am the “buck stops with me” person for that topic. I am not working as an associate who reports to a partner; I make all the calls.
Anonymous
But is any of this new information that they didn’t know when they hired you and told you that you would only be promotion-eligible after 3 years? I’d focus on things that have happened in the last year that should persuade them to change their mind about what they firmly told you at hire.
Anonymous
I think you need to go into the review with a concrete idea of which one you prefer – stepping back your hours, or being up for promotion earlier. I think it will be hard to leverage both. Ignore the idea that you may have a pregnancy soon. It’s not relevant until it is.
anon
+1
It’s not clear to me whether you want a promotion or whether you want your work load to stay in line with your current role and what you and the firm originally agreed to. I’m also not sure what the promotion would entail- a raise? More responsibility? Title– senior associate?
Anonymous
I agree with all of this.
Personally I would focus on the hours. They’ve got to be able to find some associate for you to delegate work to.
I think the partnership thing is worth asking about but I wouldn’t put all my eggs in that basket. My firm has a two year waiting period and it’s set in stone. It does not matter if you’re a super star. Even if everyone in your office advocates for you, they’re going to present their position to a committee that has never heard of you and won’t be interested in hearing more than – she doesn’t meet the policy.
Anon
With regards to the hours, would it make sense to bring in a junior associate who you could train up to spend 50% of their time on this area? That only works if the work will continue at this level over time, but seems the easiest way to solve that issue
Alanna of Trebond
I would NOT ask for a promotion (to partner, I am assuming) after a shorter time. You will not know enough people and it will hurt you.
Anonymous
+1. Ask if you should train a junior to assist you given the workload is more than expected.
Anonymama
Plus this would be helpful in the future if you go on maternity leave there will be someone who can help cover for you.
Anonymous
Response on the dress: most of the Lafayette 148 shirt dresses I have are of cotton poplin with elastane and hold a pressing well. I don’t like the pure cotton or linen fabrics because I don’t like wrinkles. I don’t understand why you think it would need special tailoring needs.
Anonymous
Unrelated, but I read Donna Karan’s memoir over the weekend and Lafayette 148’s designer got started in her studio!
Anonymous
I used to adore the Lafayette 148 designs, but the guy who was doing them, who had amazing fabric choices and fashion forward cuts, was demoted and a gal took over who has a sort of drifty drapey aesthetic that isn’t my cup of tea. Did Drapey came from Donna Karan? That would make sense.
Narrow shoes
Any suggestions for non-frumpy shoe and boot brands that come in narrow widths? Cole Haan has been my go-to for ages, but recently the selection has dwindled. Stuart Weitzman has a few styles, but they always seem to be sold out of narrow sizes in basic colors and they are a bit over my preferred price range.
anon8
I bought a pair of Blondo booties and found them to fit more on the narrow side. I would recommend checking Zappos and filtering for narrow width. I think Rothys also work for narrow feet.
Not watching
I have same issue, Why did Cole Haan quit making great Narrow shoes????
For boots I have found La Canadianne runs narrow in the heel and works for me. I bought some cool suede pumps form Talbots that came in Narrow in the Fall. I check Zappos to see what is available…
Managing managers
I’m hoping you ladies may have some useful advice for me on managing managers. I feel like overall I am a pretty effective manager, which has now gotten me promoted to oversee quite a large team. I have a handful of direct reports that each have pretty large teams, with multiple layers below them. I am running into 2 key issues that I’m not really sure how to handle.
The first issue is that one of my teams is very weak. The head of the team is weak, and the team has really suffered and while they can execute a step by step process, they don’t understand our business enough to fix processes or provide any analytics on the information they have. I expect replacing the whole team with fewer but stronger people will be the final outcome, but I’m struggling with the in between – how do I maintain the institutional knowledge while replacing the team? Also, I expect there are some people on the team that I should keep, but I don’t really have a way to sort that out with their weak managers in place.
The second issue is how to handle feedback for my direct reports. I have gotten some feedback from some of their reports that definitely needs to be addressed with them. The challenge I’m having is balancing confidentiality with providing examples of where they went wrong. My direct reports are strong in their technical skills but are definitely weak on the management side. I’ll be providing manager training for them. I know I need to give them the feedback, but I’m honestly worried that their poor management skills will blow back to their team when it shouldn’t.
Any advice on either or both scenarios?
Anon
I have so many questions here:
Were you brought in to clean house or to manage the current team to be successful?
How have your direct reports fared in previous performance reviews?
What is stopping you from replacing the weak team lead now?
Would a better team lead be able to determine who on the team is strong and who is weak?
Do you have buy-in for replacing a lot of people under you?
Are the issues that you want to bring up things that should also be presented to HR? Are there indicators that these are the tip of the iceberg?
Do any teams or divisions have exceptionally high turnover or longevity?
Are there indications that you should nuke an entire team from orbit and replace it wholesale? The problem is that if you replace a dysfunctional team piecemeal, the new people acclimate to the dysfunction. In certain situations, it can be worthwhile to lose the institutional knowledge to ensure that the new team is good.
Anon2
I’m not sure if you had a say in hiring the current managers, but your second issue is a reminder that just because someone is good at X does not mean the person will be good at managing people who do X. People management is an entirely different skill set. If someone is truly not interested in managing people, training may not make them any better.
Anon2
Many people take promotions simply because they’re offered or to make more money. They truly have no desire to manage.
Anonymous
Help others stay the course — what was your 401k at at age 30 (or 25 – or at some point a few years into the career) and where is it at now? Has it grown faster/slower than you would have expected? I’m finding this to be a long slow slog and wondering if I’m really getting anything by maxing out.
PolyD
I didn’t even have a 401K until I was 32 (grad school + postdoc = not a lot of extra money). I’m 51 now and probably around $700K if I add everything up (I have a few different 401Ks that I never consolidated, from different jobs). I make good money now, but I never made biglaw money. I could have done better, honestly, saving what I have was not a hardship. I’m going to try to step it up this year, actually.
Caveat – no marriage, no kids, no student loans.
Anonymous
Currently 24 and have $26,000 in retirement across 401(k) and Roth IRA. This was possible for me I did not have any undergrad debt.
Anon
I had around 70k at age 30, contributing 6%, enough to get the full company match. It grew a lot during that time because I came into the workforce during the crash so there was nowhere to go but up.
Needing Encouragement!
I am 31 going on 32 and JUST started an active retirement plan – 2019 is my year! (married no kids, but mortgage, student loans, yikes…)
My starting point is $8000 @ 31
going to max out $6000 in 2019 and take it from there to protect my future. I get so giddy just watching my baby retirement savings add up.
(I’ve moved jobs so often that I have no 401k but my spouse makes mega-bucks so I am going Backdoor Roth IRA)
Anon
I didn’t have a 401(k) at 30. Shameful, I know. But I was in law firms with no match and I was trying to aggressively pay down student loans and save for a down payment. My husband had a very small 401(k) from a postdoc with an employer match, I think he had maybe $30k in it.
I’m 34 now and combined we have about $300k in retirement funds. I have about $100k personally. My husband and I have both been maxing our retirement accounts since age 31. He has an employer match, I don’t. We have no debt except a small mortgage that will be gone soon. We pay for daycare for one kid and contribute $10k annually to a 529 for her.
anon0321
Wth is up with big law not matching? I find this so bizarre because it seems to be the norm at other professional jobs and they seem to splash out on all sorts of other things (our healthcare plan FULLY covered bi-weekly massages).
Anon
Not just BigLaw! I was in BigLaw then medium law (big firm in a small city) then at a very small firm. I never had any kind of employer contribution to my retirement account. At least in Big Law you make oodles of money, but the small law salary was not much and a retirement contribution would have really helped.
Anon
I believe (but am not 100% sure) that law firm partners can’t participate in a 401k because they are not employees. Therefore, law firms have no incentive to match because their most important people can’t participate and they think associates are interchangeable. In theory, one of the salary setting firms could start a 401k match and it would probably cause many other firms to do so as well. But I suspect that they think it is less important/appealing to law students and don’t for that reason
anon0321
Anon @ 5:35p- this isn’t that different from most large companies though- usually company execs have a different/non ERISA covered plan (in the US) they participate in, so I’m still not sure why this would single out law firms for not matching. Who knows…?
Anonymous
Oh! I can’t nswer. I felt the same as you so I started tracking my net worth quarterly in Excel 1/2013 (I was 29).
1/1/2013: $59k in my retirement account, $152k combined with dH’s retirement.
1/1/2019: $250k in mine, $615k whencombined with DH.
Our net worth in 2013 was $169k in 2013 and is just north of $1M 1/1/2019. We are 34/35. We saved but did not always max 401ks.
Anon
Including both 401k and IRA accounts, at 30, June 2014: $47,600
Today, 34: $165,500
I haven’t maxed out every year (there was some time at two different jobs where I wasn’t eligible, etc.), but I am now, and I definitely feel more ready for the future today than at 30.
Anonymous
$25k at 30 in my 401k (although I recently lost like $3k in the last year due to fluctuations in the market :( ). I am in my early 30s, and I do NOT work in biglaw or other well-paying industry.
It’s a slog, but it will be worth it. For context, I started working an office job at age 23ish, soon after the recession. I was barely making $30k at the time, but my parents made me put at least $25 per week into my 401k at that time. Over the years, my contributions have increased and I got a new job with a match, so I started maxing that out. On the other hand, my ex started his 401k at age 26-27, and now has about $30k in retirement savings at 32. He works in finance, so he’s always made at least twice of what I was earning.
Anon
I’m not sure of the exact amount, but I think I had like $40k at 30. Today, at 34, I have about $140k in 401k accounts and $26k in IRA accounts.
Anon
I am 54 now. I changed jobs at age 30 so I know this for sure – my 401k from age 24-30 totaled 100k. I moved it to an IRA (variable annuity type, tax free at withdrawal) and now it’s aboht $225-$250k.
My job from age 30-51 had a generous matching so my 401k from there is about $1m right now.
I have a 401k at my current job. I’m making catch up contributions because I’m over 50 (highly recommend) so I have somewhere between 50k-75k there now.
I have other savings. I hope to have $3m by age 60 so that if I get laid off and unable to find work, my husband and I would be ok. My husband has a 401k as well but started mainstream work later in life (he’s a musician) so his total retirement savings are around $500k.
Anon
I should mention that I maxed out my 401k at 15% contribution so that I could use a loan from it as a down payment on a house. I know what is considered a bad idea but it worked out well for me – my equity gains in the Bay Area have been phenomenal over my 25 ish year homeowner timeline.
HM
I am 29 and have just shy of $70K.
anon0321
I’m early/mid 30s and my husband and I have always put the max amount we could tax deduct in our retirement account (we haven’t always worked- grad school, unemployment etc accounts for a decent amount of yrs- so we’ve probably only been working at real jobs about 6-7 yrs each). We currently have about $350k saved (& potentially access to a small pension later on), and about 200k in liquid cash saved- even being very aggressive with this, I am worried that we will not realistically have enough to retire at 65, or ever ( people in my family live forever). Because of this, one of us either has to make more eventually (& we already make decent $), or we have to have passive income developed over the course of the next few decades (I’m hoping anytime we need to move- which I foresee a few moves- we’ll have enough $ to not sell it, rent it, and buy the next house- which I think will help us immensely).
Anonymous
It is indeed a long, slow slog. That is exactly why it’s great that you are investing early in your career.
Leah
At 30 I was at 50-60k. I lost out on 8 years of contributions due to layoffs and underemployment, so I’m 40 and still haven’t hit 200k. I’m frantic to save as much as possible, but I don’t see how to ever catch up, given that contributions are capped each year.
Anonymous
Can someone remind me — how long is food ok in the fridge or the freezer in case of power outage? Power went out at 8 am today and we’re being told 4-5 hours. Haven’t opened the fridge or freezer since. The only foods in the fridge I’d be worried about would be cheese and milk (no meat, leftovers etc.). Freezer OTOH — just stocked it this weekend so there’s all kinds of prepared foods in there that I spent $ on (Amy’s and the like).
Anon
I wouldn’t worry at all about 4-5 hours especially if you haven’t opened it. It will stay cold for some time, and honestly food can be at room temperature for that long and still be safe to eat.
Anon
+1 It’s not going to go bad immediately if it gets warm.
And honestly, just smell it to tell if it’s gone bad.
SC
If the freezer is full, it should be fine for 4-5 hours if you don’t open it. I think most cheese would be fine too, since the salt would help preserve it. I’d probably toss the milk unless it was cold when I opened the refrigerator.
As a PSA, I learned a trick a few months ago. You can freeze a cup of water, then place a coin on top, to check whether things thawed too much in a freezer (based on where the coin is later). This works especially well at offices or second homes where you might not know the exact times power was turned on and off.
Anonymous
Food safety dot gov says 48 hours for a full freezer, 24 hours for a half-full freezer if you do not open it until power is restored.
Cookbooks
According to the FDA, ~4 hours for the fridge, if it remains unopened, and ~48 hours for a full, unopened freezer.
https://www.fda.gov/food/resourcesforyou/consumers/ucm076881.htm
Aggie
I would check the milk but otherwise not worry about the rest. You will know pretty quickly if the milk has turned…
SCAD
Anyone on here a graduate of SCAD? Particularly their writing program? Any feedback on the school or tips for putting together a portfolio?
anon
MBAs…..how do you feel about putting the initials behind your name on LinkedIn, business cards, etc? LinkedIn recommends that we do not do this, but I continue to see folks using the letters.. It is not a professional degree like MD or JD. Thoughts please…..
Cat
No. The only people I’ve seen do this are (a) pompous types who want the excuse to brag they went to HBS or Wharton (don’t worry dude, we already know), or (b) clueless types who went to a not-well-regarded program but think those three letters will make them seem knowledgeable, well-trained, etc.
anon0321
Agree, I also cringe when people put JD fwiw.
Anon
There are fields in which “JD” makes sense, so the cringing is not really necessary.
anon0321
Either you are in a legal profession, so it is clear you have a JD, or your title/work should speak for itself. I’m a lawyer in a compliance position that doesn’t require a JD… and I still wouldn’t put that on my signature. I agree with others comments that it tends to come off as someone who is trying to conflate their education with their abilities. If you are including this in your signature, maybe reevaluate how it comes off to others based on the (totally anonymous & not involved) other comments here.
Anonymous
Nope. I’m an MBA, and it looks absolutely ridiculous to see it behind people’s names. Our program specific told us not to do it.
jwalk
Recent MBA grad here – Personally I am not a fan of putting the letters behind my name. I think it looks kind of pretentious (you do you, though, of course) since, as you said, it’s not a MD or JD.
Another Anon
I worked with a girl who did this. In some fields, it may be the norm, but in ours, it definitely wasn’t, and it seemed to me she was trying to say “Look at me!!!” My advice is, unless it is commonly accepted in your field, DON’T. If anyone is interested, they’ll ask, or if it’s necessary for them to know, they’ll see it on your resume.
anon JD
Not an MBA, but I think it’s silly when I see MBA or JD in an email signature, etc. I rarely see it from people who are very good at their jobs. As such, it signals to me that the mere fact of the degree is the best thing this person has going for them (not their skills).
Exceptions: MD, NP, or similar are helpful for folks in the medical field. Also, people who work at the intersection of fields such that it’s helpful to know they’re both an RN and JD or both a PhD and JD. Outside of the US, the conventions are different.
I’ve never found MBA after a name helpful.
Anonymous
I have a J.D. but have a job that usually requires a Ph.D. I use “J.D.” in my signature line so people don’t erroneously call me “Dr.,” and because I work closely with judges and lawyers who are more likely to trust a J.D. than a Ph.D.
Anonymous
I agree. You know who else I don’t see putting JD in their signature line? People who are actually practicing law. At my company, the only people who put JD in their signature are people who aren’t actually practicing law but want others to think they are.
anon
I have both a PhD and an MBA, and the only place they appear in my LinkedIn profile is in the education section.
Anon
It drives me insane when I see not degrees but certification letters after people’s names on LinkedIn. A lot of people do it in my compliance industry. I think it looks ridiculous for reasons listed above. Just put it in your bio.
Anonymous
It is stupid. I have an mba as well as another masters. I don’t use those credentials.
CPA, CFA, RN or MSN are fine. They indicate a trade credential of sorts.
Shower Issues
I never take my shower settings off of shower head water only, but did so yesterday to scrub the tub (meaning water only came out of bathtub faucet). I turned on my water this morning and pulled the little lever to get water out of the shower head and water is only coming out of the tub faucet, despite the lever being up. I live in a circa 1950s apartment, so is it possible that this is just a faucet age thing?? Or is there anything I can try before calling a plumber? I’d really like to take a shower and not try to bathe with just a bathtub faucet like I did this morning. So freaking annoying.
Anonymous
The lever is called the shower diverter. Search the web for DIY replacement instructions, look for photos that look like yours (some diverters are on the spout itself, others are not), and determine whether it’s something you’re willing to risk trying yourself.