This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Wow: I love this bag. For some reason I've never felt this way about a Fendi — of course I know the designer, but none of their bags have ever been on my radar before. Gorgeous, gorgeous. This bag comes in five colors (!) and several different sizes; this bigger version is my favorite — classy as a tote or a briefcase. It's $2,350. Fendi ‘2Jours Elite' Leather Shopper
Here's a lower-priced leather shopper with great reviews that's available in several different colors.
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Shopaholic
I LOVE this bag. Great choice Kat!
Philanthropy Girl
Agreed – it’s beautiful!
lawsuited
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
Gail the Goldfish
I’ve started noticing little holes in several of my sweaters. How do I tell if it’s from snagging on something in my dresser (which is admittedly overstuffed and entirely possible that stuff catches) vs. moths? And if moths, how do I get rid of them?
Anon
Are the holes smooth or jaggedy? Jagged or asymmetric likely means moth/carpet beetles, imo.
Philanthropy Girl
So the kick in the teeth this week was an announcement that I will probably be put on reduced hours (32 instead of 40) for budgetary reasons. It isn’t set in stone, but I didn’t hear anything in the conversation that would lead me to believe there are alternatives. While I’m thrilled about more time at home with Philanthropy Baby, this is a nasty blow to the family finances. I’m miserable and depressed, and pretty much hiding in my office because I was told to not discuss it with other employees. I’m feeling horribly insulted (although I’m not the only one facing cuts), and while I have consistently good performance reviews and have met and exceeded benchmarks, it clearly hasn’t been enough to keep my full hours. I’ve only been back from FMLA leave for six weeks, and while logically I know this isn’t punitive, it feels that way. Being back from leave has been hard enough, but I now truly dread leaving the house in the morning – to go to a job where I feel under-valued and unwanted
A brief job search turned up nothing in my field within driving distance and a regional search only returned results that I’m not quite ready for yet due to not enough years experience. I don’t know whether to stay put and see if I can ride out the storm and get my hours back up to normal, or if I ought to be looking around. Options are limited in my field locally and moving is an undesirable option (we have wonderfully low COL and are within visiting distance of family, plus a very supportive and stable community of friends).
What says the Hive – weather the storm and hope things will start looking up down the road, or try to get out? If I stick around – what advice do you have for getting through crummy days?
Flower
You are in fundraising at a non-profit, if I remember correctly. If it were me, I would get out now. In my experience, non-profits love to use the “budget” as an excuse to treat employees poorly, but they will always spend the money on the things they care about (whether it’s a high salary for their top program person or fancy office space or a great marketing campaign). Most non-profits seems to be on the road to recovery since the crash, so if yours is going in the other direction, something seems off to me.
I’m sure you have a ton of marketable skills – start thinking skills based jobs rather than title or industry-based jobs. What do you like about your job? What would you like to do more of? I would get out there and network as much as possible and find something else, even if it is just a temporary stop over back to what you really want to do.
2 Cents
+1 to this! I’m sure you have tons of marketable and cross-industry skills beyond what you do now. If it helps, have a friend or two or your spouse help divine them for you (I know I have trouble figuring some of them out, especially when I’m stressed). Then use job boards to search the skills instead of the job titles to see what pops up. You never know, something interesting may turn up that you’re perfect for and would never have considered otherwise. Good luck!
Philanthropy Girl
Thank you both. That sounds like a good starting place. Amazing how a few kind words and sound advice can help a very bleak day.
What job boards do you recommend? I’ve always found jobs by word of mouth, but since I’m not in a place I can start broadcasting I need to do some anonymous online searching.
Anon
If you have any universities in your area (particularly if its your alma mater) see if you can get access to their job boards. I know my law school posts tons of jobs for people with 5-10+ years of experience.
Hollis
I found indeed.com to be a good job search board. You can filter by location, pay, etc. Also, I think there’s a site called the idealist for people seeking nonprofit positions. But in reality, networking is so critical. Use your extra hours to meet with everyone for coffee. The people who are most likely in a position to help you are acquaintances. So get out there and good luck!
N.C. anon
Posting late, so I hope you’ll see this: I have searched for jobs on Indeed.com by location and skill. Their search seems to include the body of job description, so I’ve searched as broadly as “communication” to two or three different terms to find listings.
If you are in non-profit fundraising, you’ll probably have a leg up on a lot of other applicants due to your ability to cold call and strike up conversation; I used similar skills to get my foot in the door as a freelance worker at the office where I now work.
Good luck!
June
“I’ve only been back from FMLA leave for six weeks, and while logically I know this isn’t punitive, it feels that way.”
I don’t know the organization you work for but to me the statement above comes across as a red flag. It could be just a coincidence that this cutback on hours is coming now. But I also know that this also sometimes happens to mums because the employer perceives that they will not mind cutting back anyway and they make the decision for them as in your case when the employee actually wants to work full time. This is already affecting your morale, so follow Flower’s advice and start making a plan to move on.
ANP
First: Ohhhh this stinks! I feel for you and am sending a big internet hug your way.
Second: I’m also a fundraiser in a small town with limited options, so I hear ya. How much do you know (or can you find out) about your org’s budget issues? When does your FY start/end? I say this because maybe it’s something that’s temporary to get you through the end of the FY and you could negotiate to go back to FT once the new fiscal begins.
Additionally, if you’re in a revenue-generating position they are absolutely NUTS to cut you — and your post said you’d “probably” be put on reduced hours, so I’m thinking you may have the time to make a counteroffer/game plan. Are you the one putting proposals in front of donors (or helping to make that happen)? If so, I think you need to figure out a way to call your organization out — by cutting you, they’re cutting income at a time when they’re concerned about the budget. Maybe you can brainstorm some ways to show how you’re positively impacting the bottom line and therefore need to be kept FT. I would enlist your allies (boss? Peers in other departments whom you know are confidential?) if need be to help form your case. At last resort I would go to a Board member, but that’s a tricky game and probably only worth it if you have an ironclad relationship with one/some.
Now, I say all of this in an optimistic tone — that it really is about the organization’s needs and that they’re not discriminating against you as a returning parent. You have to go with your gut on this one.
Either way, I think a bomb-drop like this shows relatively poor organizational and fiduciary management — so I would, in fact, get your resume shined up and start the networking engine. If you feel comfortable posting your location, I may be able to help you. Also, there are many organizations (i.e. colleges and universities) who hire regional development directors with the ability to work remotely from anywhere. If you want help with the job search, post here or give me an email address where I can contact you. If it helps, I’ve been in an extremely similar position before but things worked out in the end — so have some faith that networking and your own good work product will speak for itself and that eventually you’ll end up in the right spot.
Philanthropy Girl
Oh – I’d love to do regional work like you suggested. We’re a healthcare facility so the cuts are bring blamed on ACA (increasing insurance costs for the company plus great uncertainty regarding medicare/Medicaid payout decreases). We’re six months into our FY, but with new ACA mandates starting this year I have a feeling they’re tightening the belt now.
I’d like to give my email address but both my personal and professsional addresses would out me, in the highly unlikely event I have colleagues or contacts also reading this blog. Is there a way I can contact you?
anon
Make an anonymous email address and post it here.
Meg Murry
Makih up a new gmail address just for this s!te is easiest way to post an anon address.
As a related skills suggestion – a friend went from a position fundraising for a healthcare nonprofit to sales/marketing/admissions for a senior community/assisted living for a LOT more money. Another friend was in fundraising but more on the event planning side and went into wedding and conference planning. Look not just at your job title and industry now, but also at what skills you have and how they could transfer – like I mentioned, fundraising can be an awful lot like sales, event planning or marketing – and potentially for a lot more money at a corporation.
Anonymous
I’m not being snarky in any way, but doesn’t linking to your blog already “out” you to anyone reading who might know you?
Anonski
Exactly.
anon not to out
Its very strange you are worried about outing yourself as your personal blog includes not only your photo, photos of your children and your hometown, but from the information posted in the “About me” section, it is easy to locate your employer and the orchestra you perform with.
Wildkitten
I think that while you can click through to find identifying details that is different than putting Wild.Kitten@gmail.com so anyone who searches for Wild Kitten comes to this comment. Ya know?
Philanthropy Girl
Thanks, WildKitten. Although I’d forgotten my comments automatically linked to my blog it is still far less obvious than posting my full name and/or employer, as I’d have to do with either of my current email addresses.
Meg Murry
Oh, and related to the suggestion ANP had – check your alma mater to see if they are hiring for fundraising or alumni development – that work can often be done regionally, and gives a strong preference to their own grads
ANP
I’m on my way out the door but we can connect via some sort of anonymous email later! Quickly:
I still think it’s odd that they’re cutting revenue-producing positions for budgetary reasons (although I do understand the logic of across-the-board reductions vs. singular firings, as anon at 4:22 described). Something about it doesn’t sit quite right with me.
As for job boards: get connected to your closest AFP (Association of Fundraising Professionals) and PPP (Partnership for Philanthropic Planning) chapters; they often post openings or have email listservs. You’d probably be well-served to look at LinkedIn, too — any regional development groups on there that you can join? I also believe there is a professional association specific to healthcare fundraisers as well but the name escapes me at the moment. And finally, you may have done this already but you could make a list of large/large-ish corporations in your area and look into openings with their community relations departments — sitting on the other side of the fundraising desk, for a change.
And yes to looking at jobs where your skills are transferrable, though FWIW development work is my calling and I know I wouldn’t be happy in another field (been there, tried that). That is COMPLETELY a matter of personal preference, though!
Confused
Maybe this is just my state but we are getting increased Medicare/Medicaid reimbursement and more of our patients now qualify so we have less uninsured care to give. ACA has resulted in more revenue for our facility but we are a low income clinic. (FQHC).
E
She must be in a state that hasn’t expanded Medicaid. I work in healthcare in such a state and it is really hurting providers. Medicaid expansion was supposed to make up for Medicare cuts, so we’re left holding the bag.
anon
So sorry this happened to you. I have been on the other end – told by the university that we had to cut a percentage of our salary budget. We cut a few people from 37.5 (our regular week) to 30 hrs so we could save whole jobs and keep people in jobs with benefits (30 hrs still gets benefits). Our decisions were horrible and hard and we were looking at load in departments and it had nothing to do with how well staff were doing, in most cases. The other reason for this approach was that we hoped that we could make a case for having the positions restored to full-time over time, as opposed to it being harder to reinstate a whole position that had been cut. It just sucks no matter how you approach it.
Marie
Sorry this happened to you! I agree with other commenters both in their encouragement and that it sounds shady but you have to go with your gut. I would just say not to let “years of experience required” deter you from applying to jobs–many times job postings list the “ideal” candidate, but it’s not always the case that the organization will find someone who meets every supposed requirement. It might be even more that way where you are since it sounds like your industry isn’t very big there. The worst that can happen is you just never hear back, so I encourage you to go for it. Good luck and keep posting!
ANP
It’s late, and I’m all over this thread today, but I’d second what Marie says ESPECIALLY in the development world. So many people become fundraisers from nontraditional backgrounds — and I’ve found that the demand for good advancement pros far exceeds supply, especially in rural/less-populated locations, so “years of experience” tends to mean less. So I’d go for jobs that interest you even if you don’t 100% qualify for them. Also, hat tip to Coach Laura and her all-around awesome advice, below — I totally agree with every word!
Coach Laura
You’ve already gotten a lot of good advice and ideas. You have my sympathies – whether or not it’s related to your FMLA leave, that is a hard thing to have happen. Maybe it’s not personal but it still hurts. And if you are the one who brings in the money for the agency, that is a poor move on their part.
On the bright side, besides extra time with your baby, you’ll have more time – flexible time – to research, network and talk to people. Talking to people in your industry, friends, former classmates and any other contacts should give you ideas on other jobs and tangentially related jobs for which you might be well qualified. You could also investigate freelance or consultant work in your field, some of which you might be able to do remotely and from home for additional income. Perhaps another agency needs a part-time person to spearhead a new initiative or new project or fill in for someone on maternity leave.
When this is over and you have a new fabulous job (or new career or new consulting gig) you’ll be able to say that this period was a time where you invested in yourself and your career and the cost of that was your temporarily reduced paycheck – a good investment!
Philanthropy Girl
Thanks to you all! I’ll be putting your advice to good use this weekend. I appreciate all the helpful hints – having somewhere to start certainly makes me feel a little less discouraged.
Anon
Have you considered fundraising/development at a college, university, or school? I’m constantly looking on those sites and there seem to always be development jobs. I recommend the Higher Ed Jobs website. Good luck!
anon
Reposting:
I have a friend problem. I hardly ever see two friends of mine. I can count on one hand the times I have seen them in the past two years since moving to the same city. Both live and work close to me, but are always hanging out with their now fiances. This was a problem before they got engaged, but I struggled to bring it up mostly because there was/is never an opportunity (i.e. I ask to hang out and don’t hear back for days, text or call and don’t get a call back, so it seemed hard to cuss someone out over text or during a 5 minute phone call while the other is running errands and talking to sales clerks.)
Now both have asked me to be bridesmaids. I say “asked,” but there wasn’t really much choice in it. One wrote a letter (when I called upon receiving it, got her voicemail and no call back). The other caught me by surprise by asking another friend and I at the same time, when I thought we were just casually meeting for drinks (which I was excited about because, as I said, I never see them).
It feels weird to be asked to be such a big part of someone’s wedding when I feel like we aren’t even part of each other’s lives anymore. It is also minorly annoying to me to now be expected to attend several other wedding-related events, travel, take time off (I work in biglaw, too), and to fork over the costs associated with these.
I probably should have said something before they got engaged, but never found a good opportunity. I know weddings often bring people close together, but I feel that now where our lives are still somewhat similar (I live and work very close to both of them) and already never see them/talk to them, how much better is it going to get when they are living with their husbands and having kids, etc. (I am still single.)
What do I do?
anonymous
Say something, but be gentle. Also, if you really don’t want to be a bridesmaid, don’t do it. I was recently a bridesmaid for my best friend. We’re very close and don’t have these issues at all, and it was still a huge burden on me/a lot to ask. I can’t imagine doing that for someone I didn’t feel so close to.
I disagree with your point about weddings bringing people closer together. That may be true for a little while, but given that your friends don’t seem to be making much time for you, it’s unlikely that would change after marriage/kids. Usually I find that this goes in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t count on the wedding bringing you closer together when making your decision.
Anonymous
You either grow a back bone, call them up and say “actually since you’ve gotten with fiancé I never see you so I don’t want to be a bridesmaid” or you continue being a doormat and spend a year agreeing to showers! And bachelorettes! And nails! Becoming an increasingly bitter person
Or, you let it go and just be a bridesmaid with good cheer because you like the time you do get with them and you’re mature enough to let friendships ebb and flow.
hoola hoopa
+1
If you go doormat route, you can probably rely on other bridesmaids to organize and you’re mostly just chipping in money and showing up. If you go honest route, they may find it a relief if they only included you because they thought that you’d feel snubbed if you weren’t invited. If you go friend route, see it as a change to get the time with them that you’ve been missing.
Senior Attorney
This is phrased in the most uncharitable manner imaginable, but there’s something to it. I’d rephrase to:
Your choices are (a) you decide that since they haven’t been putting in the effort to be a friend to you, it doesn’t feel right to be their bridesmaid, and tell them you love them but your schedule is looking horrible for the next few months and you are going to have to bow out (and no, it’s not too late but you need to do it soon); or (b) you accept with love and joy and resolve that in the future you’ll be more open about your desire to be in closer touch.
I might add that it’s not all that hard to speak up about this kind of thing. I have a friend who will just text me “I miss you! Let’s make a date! I can do X, Y, or Z date at A, B, or C o’clock — choose and let’s ink it!” And I have started doing the same thing with other friends. The easier you can make it to hang out with you, the more likely it is to happen.
Pretty Primadonna
I agree with this. And would add, go out and make some new friends who you can be close with and see frequently. These two likely won’t have more time to just hang out once they do get married.
ITDS
I think if you resent not getting time to “cuss them out” you should definitely decline the bridesmaid invitations. People grow apart, and friendships fade. It’s not a moral failing on anyone’s part, just something that sometimes happens in life.
anon - OP
Problem is that I already ‘agreed’ to. I didn’t feel like I really had a choice or that I was even asked. It was more designating me as a bridesmaid than asking if I could/would. Can I back out given that I’m already getting emails about the dresses? These weddings are in the summer. My inclination is to be a happy bridesmaid day-of but to decline as many extra events (bachelor*tt*s, extra showers, nails, etc.)
anon
I really don’t understand this. These are two women who you like, and you want to hang out with. You’re upset that you haven’t had enough time with them in the past. And now that they’re saying that you are an important part of their lives, and that they want to spend time with you as they plan their weddings, you don’t want to do it? Maybe you’ve grown apart some, and maybe you’ll grow apart in the future — but if you like these ladies, enjoy the time you do have. It makes no sense to complain that they don’t spend enough time with you in the same breath that you’re planning to decline the opportunity to spend time together.
anonymous
she’s not just declining an opportunity to spend time together; she’s also expected to expend a considerable amount of time and resources on their behalf. It’s not like being a bridesmaid is all fun and time spent together and not work too. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for OP to feel that they’ve grown apart/ her friends haven’t made an effort, and therefore she doesn’t want to put herself out to be a bridesmaid.
anon - OP
Hi, this is a point I struggle with. Since their engagements, I still don’t hear from them/see them, except for brief conversations about wedding details (like group emails or an IM asking for my mailing address and then signing off), so it’s not like there is more time for us to spend time together, in fact it’s now “I’m so busy with the wedding planning.” As I said above, I feel that if we aren’t chatting/hanging over these past two years where our circumstances are still somewhat similar, how much better is it really going to get when they are married?
Anon2
Some of my bridesmaids were great friends who I see twice per year and talk to once a month, tops. We formed great bonds and they’ll always be my first call when there comes a time to share something wonderful or painful. I think that maybe these girls see you as that friend, even though the fiance is now in the equation. Personally, I could see how one of my bridesmaids would have felt the same way you did, but I also would have been severely disappointed if they said no/backed out. My maid of honor was a first year surgical resident in a city a plane ride away and I knew going in that she wouldn’t be the “typical” MOH… my mom and bridesmaids “picked up the slack”, if you will, because we all were happy for her career and understanding of her situation. Perhaps consider the other side of the request from the brides to be…
Pretty Primadonna
Sorry, not sorry. I’d also feel some type of way if the girls that couldn’t even be bothered to text or call me back all of a sudden wanted me to spend the time and effort and cash to be a bridesmaid in their weddings. This has happened to me and I was not pleased. Do not blame OP one bit.
Anonymous Poser
I was in a somewhat similar situation a while back…just out of college, living in a different town. A woman who’d been part of a group I hung out with asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. For some reason I felt I couldn’t turn her down (though I’m not sure why….maybe it was my relative youth, though that’s a lame excuse, I know. I think partially I was caught off guard at being asked).
Though it was late to consider it after I’d already said I would be a bridesmaid, I did end up backing out. A big difference here is that I don’t know that I would have ever called us friends, specifically. I called her occasionally, and she wanted me to call her, but she did not ever call me. Except to ask me to be her bridesmaid, by which point I had not called her in a couple of years, and only heard about her through mutual friends. Weird. I looked at my finances and the time things would take traveling between our towns, and our relationship, and cancelled. She still invited me to the wedding, and I went. Have not heard from her since. YMMV.
anon - OP
I don’t resent not being able to cuss them out (I’m actually very non-confrontational), rather explaining why I didn’t say anything before the engagements about missing seeing them. Now it seems like if I said something it would inevitably be wrapped with wedding things.
L in DC
I actually wouldn’t say something about how the bridesmaid request is inconsistent with the importance they seem to place on your friendship in real life. It likely won’t accomplish anything aside from making things awkward. They’ve essentially already told you what kind of friendship they want from you (hanging out less than 5 times in 2 years with a “close” friend who lives in the same city and won’t ever make time to chat?). I would also kindly bow out of being a bridesmaid. I’m in biglaw too and everyone understands if you just say that the pre-wedding events are during your busy season and it’s likely you won’t be able to be there for them the way that they would want from a bridesmaid. Follow that up with that you’d love to be the person they go out for a drink with to vent about wedding-related stuff.
It’s entirely possible that each friend asked you to be her bridesmaid because she considers you one of their closest friends, but it’s clear that her idea of a close friend and your idea of a close friend are two very different things (I would agree with *your* definition). And, not to be cynical, but I have very much seen people ask someone to be a bridesmaid because they think that person will be really helpful with wedding/event planning. I just think the odds are high that you are going to end up resenting shelling out a lot of money and time for people who have been already fading out of your life for a while and will likely continue on that trajectory post-wedding.
In short, I think it’d be wise to keep your expectations aligned with what you already know of these friends and make the bridesmaid decision accordingly…
anon - OP
All very good points, thank you.
Neither of them are lawyers or know many people in biglaw, so I’m not sure how much they would understand the schedule. As stated above, I’m inclined to attend the wedding (either as a bridesmaid or loving guest), but not many of the other events. So maybe a shower if possible, but not traveling for a bachel… party. How would I explain this?
All this being said, despite the unpredictability of biglaw, I still try to make time for things/people I enjoy – I don’t want to have to go on a social media ban or lie so much about ‘how busy I am’ that we don’t get to hang out one-on-one, although… come to think of it, that’s exceedingly unlikely to happen anyway…
Anonymous
By saying “awesome I’d love to go to a shower but I can’t get the time away from the office to travel to a bachelorette.” You’re really busy with your job. They’re really busy having lives. Idk where the rage is coming from but learn to say no.
Meg Murry
Then be honest about that. What about “I’m honored that you asked me to be a bridesmaid, but with my work schedule I’m concerned that I wouldn’t be able to make it to many of the wedding events like showers and bachelor*tt* parties. Given that, do you still want me to be a bridesmaid or should I just be an excited guest?”
Many (but not all) brides expect bridesmaids to not jut attend showers and other events but actual plan, host (and sometimes fund) them. So ask what kind of commitment they are expecting besides showing up at the wedding in the matching dress, and politely bow out now if its more than you are willing to do.
Jordan
+1 This is exactly what I am trying to say but better.
Pink
Since they didn’t give you a “choice,” I would follow up with a hey, I don’t think I can actually be a bridesmaid because I won’t be able to do XYZ. I’m happy to be at the wedding, but if you’re looking for nails! bachelorette!, then I won’t be hurt if you ask someone else.
Jordan
Could you accept the invitation with a counteroffer? Send a note back to the one who wrote you the note and candidly say “I would love to be a bridesmaid but because of job demands my participation will be limited to _____. I understand this is a really important event for you and I am so happy but I want to be honest up front that I am limited because of where I am with my career. I completely understand if because of that you would like me to attend the wedding as guest and would in no way be offended.” Something like that? That way you can limit your participation/time off to what you think is appropriate and if she doesn’t like it she knows she can remove you as Bridesmaid without upsetting you?
Then, try doing something similar with the other one. I know she didn’t pick up right away but you could send an e-mail too.
I do not necessarily disagree with the more direct suggestions above but if you are thinking that you want to keep the line of friendship open, not upset your job, and do less than what she is expecting just manage the expectations early. Lean heavily on the job responsibilities if you don’t want to say it’s because they do not want to hang out. I know how you feel as most my friends are now married with children but I feel like if I told them they never make time for me, I’d probably receive a similar counterargument from them that I am never available to take the day off and go to the zoo with them + kids like other friends can and do.
anon2345
I did exactly this for a friend that I was close to a decade ago but don’t really feel close to anymore. I was totally upfront with her — “I”m happy to come to the wedding and wear whatever dress you pick out and provide support from afar, but I can’t fly to other events (she wants a combined shower/bachelorette weekend) given previous commitments (my sister’s wedding is the same month).”
I think she appreciated my candor. It helps to set expectations as much as possible up front. Good luck!
lawsuited
Perhaps that you’re very grateful that your friend thought of you when she was considering bridesmaids, but that you underestimated the time commitment, won’t be able to attend all the events and do the fun extras, so you’d prefer to attend the wedding as a loving guest.
Anonymous
Turn them down gently. I had a friend who should have turned me down. I would have been hurt, yes, but I think our friendship could have eventually recovered and lived on at least in more casual form. As it was she said yes and acted horribly through the engagement and wedding (and I don’t mean she didn’t attend a million events for me – I mean she literally did not attend a single event except the wedding, never expressed happiness or excitement for me, and was so unpleasant at the wedding that people who didn’t know her commented on her behavior). We no longer have a relationship of any kind & its painful for me to see my wedding photos with her in them.
I don’t think this is just about you being busy. If you really felt close to these people and were excited for them, but were worried about work demands then I agree the correct response is “I love you and I’d love to participate in your wedding, but because of my job demands I can only commit to attending [one shower and the wedding or whatever you want to agree to] and not necessarily any other events. If you want to ask someone else who can be more involved I understand.” or something along those lines. But you’ve said you’re not close to them anymore, and you used words like “weird” and “annoying” when describing this situation. You don’t *want* to be in the wedding and you should back out politely now before they get further emotionally & financially invested in your participation.
Mountain Girl
I’ve heard friends described like a flower garden and I like this analogy. Some friends are annuals. They are only around for a season. They bloom and bring happiness and joy and then fade away. The memories are wonderful but they were only meant to last for a time. You grow apart. You move away. You start a new job. Something happens to bring that season to an end and those friends fade away from your garden but it doesn’t diminish the quality of the friendship for the time that they were your friend. Some friends are perennials. They come back year after year. Some seasons they bloom heavier and brighter than others but they can always be counted on to bring beauty to the garden. I think it is perfectly acceptable to have both sorts of friends (perennials and annuals) represented as your bridesmaids. If you are no longer as close as you once were that’s okay. I think the fact that you were once close and your friendship was important to the bride is reflected in your choice as a bridesmaid. Don’t get locked into the fact that all friendships have to be for life. Value your friendship for what it once was. Reflect on the wonderful memories and cherish the times you had. Make the most of this season that you have together because most annuals only get one season to bloom and you may be given the opportunity to have a small second season to bloom again – even if that season is only for the the brides’s wedding. If she values your friendship you should not take that lightly.
Anonymous
I love this!
Anon
Just be in the weddings. If you say no, that’s going to set you on a certain course to drift apart. If you really can’t afford it financially or time wise, then don’t do it. Otherwise, say yes. I think younger people (20s and early 30s) don’t realize how much friendships will change – tighten, loosen, shift, intensify – over the years. Maintain your relationships. Maybe your friends are in a different, more selfish, phase than you are now. That doesn’t mean it will always be that way.
anon
+10000. So true and well said.
Anon
Yep. This. Also try to have a little empathy – forming a relationship with someone you’ll marry actually takes a lot of time and it does actually become incredibly hard to balance “hang out” time with that especially if you have a large social circle and job. I also question whether OP has put off the impression that she’s too hard to see “because big law”. OP, take a breath and realize that everyone has important things in their lives, and if you’re there for your friends when their lives are busy, they’ll be there for you when things calm down.
anonymous
I’m a little lonely. I have a few close friends and a great fiance, but most of my friends don’t live in my city. It’s hard to make friends in my city because I work 16+ hour days, so the normal things that I’d do, like find a hobby and meet people that way, don’t really fly. I also don’t know anyone who doesn’t ALWAYS socialize with their SO. If I want to meet a friend, her boyfriend/husband has to be there. That’s fine for the most part, but it leaves me unable to make a real 1 on 1 connection with someone. Just because I’ve shared something with a friend doesn’t mean I feel comfortable talking about it in front of her SO. How do I feel less isolated?
Anonymous
Talk about stuff in front of their SO’s! Men are people too.
Accept that working 16 hours a day means you have no time for a social life.
Recalibrate your expectations. You have a few close friends, a fiancé, and no free time to speak of. Are you really lonely? Or are you dissatisfied with the way your life looks?
anonymous
I think the issue is that I’d like to be able to see friends face to face rather than just talking on the phone/email. I’d feel more connected that way, I think. I see some people in person, but we’re not that close, and when we are, the SO being there makes it impossible to talk about personal things. I don’t mind talking in front of the SOs in general, but if I don’t have a rapport with that person himself, I don’t really want to be sharing the sorts of things I would with a good friend.
L in DC
It’s perfectly fine to tell them you want to grab a drink or dinner just the two of you. If your friend doesn’t want to make time to see you without the SO, then you figure out whether you want to be friends on those terms or not. But yeah, I’ve faded out of a couple friendships over the years with people who always had to have their SO there (and I didn’t particularly love their SO or want to have a personal conversation in front of them). There are going to be other people out there with similar schedules and similar values to you. It can just be a little harder to find them :)
What city are you in? If DC, I’m down for grabbing a drink.
June
It’s hard to suggest some new hobby given your work schedule. But in the free time you do have, maybe you can suggest “girly” activities to do with your friends. I put the word in quotes mainly because I mean think of things that your female friends might want to do, but that their S.O. may not be interested in. Or depending on your friendships, you could just let your friends know you want to hang out but just the two of you….
2 Cents
Whenever my friends and I want to get together sans hubbies, we say we’re having a girls day or we make sure our SOs (who generally all like each other) have an alternative activity to do (watching a movie or a game) while we’re doing our thing.
Anon
Sorry you have to make sure your SOs have plans with each other so you can hang out with your own friends?
My shock at having to organize “play dates” for grown men aside, I think the suggestion to do “girly” things is a good one. A lot of my friends will not ditch their husbands for dinner or drinks but if we plan to go to the spa or get mani/pedis, it helps.
Bee
I would kind of love it if my SO would organize play dates for me when he goes out with the guys. Just sayin’.
hoola hoopa
Me, too, Bee!
FWIW, it did actually happen once. The men wanted to go to an event (wives/SOs were invited but none wanted to go), so they arranged an alternative activity for their wives at the same time. I thought it was sweet. I was invited even though I didn’t know any of the women. I had a scheduling conflict, but DH went.
It’s also fairly common in my brother’s circle of friends.
Oops
Sorry – hit report by mistake!
Gail the Goldfish
This seems to be a recurring question, and something I struggle with being in a new city. I haven’t yet solved it, so I have no suggestions, but someone really needs to start a website that’s like online dating but to find friends.
Terry
And that website is meetup.com!
Anonymous
But it’s not really. I’ve gone to meetup events, but, for the life of me, can’t find a good group. Either everyone comes to the event with friends, or everyone is at a different stage in life (maybe my problem picking grops), or I have fun that day, but don’t making a lasting connection and never see them at another group event.
Gail the Goldfish
Agreed. I want like dating-level questions for a friend where I could input things like “My interests are ___,” “I like to spend time with my friends doing ___” or “I prefer to hang out in the (evening, weekend, whatever)” and then get matched up. Someone has to have done this, right?
Anony
There’s girlfriend circles but I didn’t meet any friends during my year subscription,,
anon
Hey you, I’m the bridesmaid/absent friend poster from above. Part of what is hard in my situation is that I don’t have many friends in my city and these two — who were my best friends — do the same thing in always hanging out with their fiances and even inviting him along on our one-on-one time.
As mentioned above, I also work in biglaw, so my hours are unpredictable and I can’t easily just go to 5:00 happy hours. That being said, once I decided to prioritize myself, it got easier. You could attend a happy hour near your office for an hour and come back. If you are working these excessive hours, perhaps you have some extra cash to sign up for some things that you do enjoy and not feel so guilty about not being able to attend every week. Even attending just once can help you get out there. Are there times of the year that are more open for you? (Summer? Holidays?) On weekends do you work but on your own schedule? Perhaps you could sign up for a class over the weekend and work around it? Even if you go just a couple of times and miss a lot of the days, it’s better than nothing – plus many of the women there (whether single or coupled up) are already doing things without their SO and so would be likely to want to hang out with you one-on-one.
It’s hard; I’m STILL there. One day I sat down and made a list of things I enjoy to do and real ideas for how I could actually do them. I still refer to it. Do you have meetup dot com in your city? Are you comfortable attending things like that on your own? It’s awkward at first, but remember that everyone there is in the same boat as you. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help – ask friends (in your city or elsewhere) if they know people they could introduce you to. Look at your friend network again — you might find a great friend in someone that was once an acquaintance or loose friend. And then ask them what they do for fun! Also, ask coworkers who are dealing with the same hours as you. If you can try to do just one thing per week, it can help a lot. GOOD LUCK AND HUGS, I’m in the same boat, but without the great fiance! :)
anon
I think you just have to accept that it is difficult to make close friends as an adult, even if you had more time to try to do so. I’ve lived in a new city for approx four years now and I have made a lot of friends but very few, if any, close friends. I think it is just really hard to have enough time to spend to recreate the type of bonds that were easy to form in college. Maybe you need to focus less on feeling isolated and focus more on feeling fulfilled with what you have, which sounds pretty good. As for the SO problem, I don’t think it would be very hard to invite a friend to dinner alone (Great, I’ll make the reservation for 2 @ 9)? Or an exercise class and coffee? or whatever? Maybe you need to think about how you are framing your invitation because I think it would be odd if someone invited me to dinner and I just decided that it would be appropriate to also bring my bf without asking.
anonymous
I find it odd too, but this has happened virtually every time I’ve invited a friend to do something, even if I make some mention along the lines of “reservation for two,” in which case I get a text or something saying “we’ll be there!” on some level I feel like they’re telling me that they’re not open to doing things without SO.
Batgirl
I’ll typically say something like “I’m hoping it’ll just be the two of us because I’m really craving some one-on-one time!”
anon
Unless you want to have a specific conversation about it with them and make it clear that you would prefer to hang out solo, then I think that you need to just realize that anytime you invite your friend, the SO will also be in attendance and plan accordingly. I think that your friend’s behavior is still odd, but the only thing I can think of is that maybe you are asking on days where they always do things together? I have a single friend that always asks me to do things on Sunday morning, and I usually decline (never just show up with my bf) because that is set-aside bf bonding time every week.
It might be easier for me because I’m from the midwest and very friendly, but sometimes I feel less isolated by just putting myself out there in small ways. Having a two minute conversation with my yoga teacher after class about what we did that day, or making a joke with someone in line at Starbucks, ect isn’t a substitute for having close friends but sometimes it just makes me feel more connected with people in general….
Gibbler
This might also just be a miscommunication between the two of you. Perhaps she doesn’t know you want it to just be the two of you, and maybe she’s making the assumption, that, like her, you would of course want to see her SO as well. I have had this issue come up with my friends, where I assume SO and/or kid was invited, but then wasn’t sure, so I asked, and it turned out that she prefer it to be just the two of us. It was great to see my friend just the two of us, but at first, I assumed the invitation included the SO. So, my advice is to tell her that, while you love seeing her SO, you’d like to hang out just the two of you and that you could use some girl time. More than likely, she’ll be fine with it and just may not have realized that’s what you wanted all along. If she’s not fine with it, then accept the friendship for what it is, and focus your energy on other friends/finding new ones.
anonymous
Thanks for your perspective. I’m genuinely curious about why you/my friends assume that SO/kids are invited unless otherwise specified. When I get invited to things, I assume it’s just me unless my friend specifically invites my fiance. They frequently do, but we also socialize a lot separately. I love my SO and think he’s the awesomest, but I don’t automatically assume everyone else loves to hang out with him as much as I do.
Anon
Ugh, people you have to accept that there’s only so many hours in the day, and asking SO along is a way to balance seeing your friends and having time w him too. Everyone is trying to do the best they can.
Anon
That makes sense because time is a finite resource, but from the friend’s perspective, you theoretically have time with the SO daily and can schedule it at odd or random times, and also be more spontaneous because you live in the same home, like see a movie on a whim that is close to your house but would be too far away for a friend to get there in time.
Miss Behaved
Depending on what city you live in, I bet someone here would meet up with you for drinks or dinner. If you’re in the Boston area, I’ll come meet you…
Ellen
And if your in NEW YORK CITY, you can alway’s hang out with me and Myrna. Tho she is NOT an attorney at law, she works in investement banking, so she is VERY smart, and know’s how to deal with men in a way that I wish I could. YAY!!!!!
That goe’s for all of the NYC Corporete’s — we need to take a lesson from Investement Banker’s. She was a member of the 85 Broad’s for a while, and beleive me, those women knew how to take charge of their men. If I knew then what I know NOW, I would NEVER have let Sheketovits get away with the thing’s he did to me. I am sure he is getting his way sexueally with some other poor unsuspecting women who think’s he has potential, but I know better. It’s to bad they don’t have a websight where loosers are put out there for all other women to see BEFORE they sleep with these schmoe’s! FOOEY on men who do NOT treat us right! DOUBEL FOOEY!!!!
Jen
If you’re in LA, I’d be happy to hang out!
DCR
If you’re in DC, we could meet for dinner or drinks
Senior Attorney
If you’re in LA you totally need to come to the Corpore t t e meetup this Sunday morning! 11:00 at Perch in Downtown L.A.
anon
This just reminds me of when Steve Martin was on 30 Rock and he says “It’s lonely. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never danced with a broom.”
Senior Attorney
You might want to look into some kind of service club. I was in your shoes post-marital-separation a couple of years ago and my Rotary Club has been a real game-changer. The weekly meetings are at lunchtime and manageable even when work is busy, and I’ve met a ton of people, quite a few of whom have become actual friends. Plus your firm might pay the dues as a business development expense.
Anon
+1. Also, perhaps you need to think about setting some work boundaries. All work and no play, after all…
Wildkitten
Start a Lean In Circle. I do a lot of things with my friends and whichever SOs are around but my Lean In Circle is girls-only.
Anon
Quick – where can I buy more substantial foldable flats at a store? Ie not the drugstore ones.
Gail the Goldfish
Gap used to have these.
espresso bean
The bridesmaid discussion above got me thinking. What do you expect as a bride from your bridesmaids? As a bridesmaid, what do you expect you’re signing up for? Expectations seem to be all over the place. In addition to attending the wedding in a dress of the bride’s choice, do you think a bridesmaid is obligated to:
*plan a shower
*pay for part of the shower
*plan a bachelorette party
*pay for part of the bachelorette party
*attend one or both of the above events
Does any of this change if the bride and bridesmaid aren’t in the same city? Because I could see this getting really expensive, really fast.
In my experience, the items above were all expected when my friends and I were in our 20s, but not so much now in our 30s as people’s lives have gotten busier.
anonymous
As a bridesmaid, I expect the bride to have a candid conversation with me about expectations & what she wants so that I can decide whether it’s something I’m willing to do. Brides shouldn’t try to downplay their expectations to make the bridesmaids happy and then get upset when they aren’t getting what they want. I’ve had that happen before. I think it’s asking too much to ask bridesmaids to pay for part of events.
As a bride, I eloped and therefore didn’t have bridesmaids, so no expectations there. I generally think that people have too many expectations about these things.
MNF
If the bridesmaids host the shower (as is traditionally the case), who else should pay for the shower?
Mpls
Sydney Bristow
I agree about having an honest conversation about expectations up front. I’m maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding across the country from where I live and 6 weeks before my own wedding. When she asked me she specifically said all she expected was for me to buy the dress, show up at the wedding, and provide long distance support. She said anything else would be awesome but not expected.
As it turns out, both her family and her future inlaws wanted to throw her a shower. I’m able to go, so I will, and I’m helping the her future mother in law with some of the planning but none of the expense.
None of her bridesmaids live in her state so we decided to have the bachelorette party a couple of days before the wedding and anyone who could make it in that early was welcome but not expected. It looks like we all will make it and the 4 of us planned something and will pay our own way and split the cost of the bride’s cost.
My expected cost going in was about $600 (dress, cross country travel, and hotel). I would have spend at least $400 to attend as a guest anyway. I’m spending more than that because she is my best friend and I’d do anything for her (and luckily I can afford to). It helped to discuss it up front and that she is totally laid back and wants me there for anything I can come to but doesn’t expect anything.
For my own wedding, we aren’t having a wedding party. My stepmom threw me a bridal shower (which my friend amazingly flew in for). My friends and family are getting together for a wedding movie and champagne marathon a couple of days before the wedding. They’ve also offered up their support, talked me through some details, and a few of them are doing some DIY things they volunteered to do without my even mentioning it. I love that people are coming to things and helping out but don’t expect anything either. If they can make it that’s awesome, but I understand if they can’t for whatever reason.
MNF
It’s interesting to me that you separate out planning events and paying for them. (Not snarky – Who else would pay?) As a bridesmaid I feel my expectations are:
– Attend all pre-wedding events (within reason – I’ve been lucky to have attended mostly local shindigs; I’m definitely not getting on a plane more than once. OTH, if I can be there, I will be.)
-Help plan the shower, although I think this mostly falls on the MOH’s shoulders.
-If I helped plan, I would help pay – Hosts pay.
-Help plan the bachelor…, again, I’ve found it’s usually the MOH.
-Paying for Bachelor…. – I think everyone attending should pay for themselves (travel, hotels, activities) and chip in for the Bride (dinner, drinks, not a plane ticket. If the bride wants a destination bach, she can pay for the travel).
EB I think you’re right about out-of-town bridesmaids – you can’t do everything. But if you’re in the same city and grumbling about “having to go to a shower” then you shouldn’t be a BM.
Shortie
I married at 35. Only had one bridesmaid/MOH who was my sister. She was only a few mos postpartum for the wedding, so she got to wear whatever she wanted/fit into. I didn’t have a shower or bachelorette because I didn’t have time and it wasn’t important to me to make time for one. My energy went into making the wedding weekend fun and easy for our guests and having a great honeymoon.
anonymous
All three of my bridesmaids were all from out of town and worked and/or had kids. I’d been a bridesmaid several times and couldn’t put additional time/money stress on my friends on top of traveling and being in the wedding. I told them on day one that they were not to have a shower or bachelorette party for me, and that all I wanted was for them to show up and be in the wedding. I also didn’t mandate a dress or shoes, but told them to find a navy dress they liked and a shoe in a metallic tone. All three picked fabulous dresses that they loved, and I got a ton of compliments on them even though it was all to their credit.
Maybe if we’d all been in one town (or state) I’d have done things differently, but it’s time consuming and expensive just to be in a wedding, and at the end of the day the experience I wanted was having them there during the wedding weekend, not having parties and gifts. I don’t think that’s a very common approach, though.
anon - OP
Hey, I’m that poster. This is exactly what I’m thinking. I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times before but all for family. No bridesmaid was expected to pay for a shower or bachelor*tt* party (though of course I attended the showers, engagement parties and brought gifts), so none did. Only one had a bach party and that wasn’t a travel-to-another-city situation as most now seem to be, rather a low key night of dinner and drinks in your city, so we all paid, but it wasn’t much more than what people do for birthday celebrations.
These weddings I’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid in, however, seem to be expecting all of this (attend, plan, travel, pay) and that is not at all what I was expecting — which was really your closest loved ones being with you on your big day.
I think anonymous above me said it right– if you (don’t) expect those things, be upfront about it.
cbackson
Well, showers aren’t supposed to be thrown by family members, so if the bridesmaids don’t plan them (or the bride’s close friends, but usually those are the same), they don’t usually happen – and as a poster above said, the hosts of a party pay.
I hate the growth of the over-the-top bachelorette party as a thing, so I shudder to describe that as an expectation.
KinCA
As someone who’s 5 months out from her own wedding with bridesmaids in three different states, my expectations are a) come to the rehearsal dinner/wedding and b) wear what I’m asking you to wear. That’s pretty much it.
Two of my bridesmaids live in my city, and honestly, I’d be a little disappointed if my local friends couldn’t make both the shower AND the bachelorette (I’d hope they could at least make it to one). But I’ve made it pretty clear that I have no expectations like that for my out-of-state or faraway bridesmaids.
I’ve tried to be really sensitive about the costs (both financially and time-wise) of being a bridesmaid, because it can be a lot. My two best friends are throwing me a shower, which feels a little strange, but they volunteered and I remind myself that I pitched in towards and paid for both of theirs, so maybe they want to “pay it back”? I’m planning to do a local bachelorette for one night and use my own hotel points to pay for both of the hotel rooms, so attendees really just have to cover the cost of gas to get there and food/drinks for the night. I also sent the bridesmaids a gift card to cover some of the costs of their dress, and have also offered to pay for their makeup (they have the option of doing their own hair or paying to get it done). I feel almost guilty about how nice my friends are being and how they’re going out of their way for me and spending so much money, so I’m trying to make it as easy on them as possible.
In the past, when I was the MOH/a bridesmaid, I typically expect to:
-Host and paid for or help plan and pitched in on the shower
-Cover my own costs at the bachelorette and then pitch in for the bride
-Cover all of my own costs for dress/hair/makeup
Miss Behaved
Thankfully, I haven’t been a bridesmaid in several years, but I had a similar experience to the OP, until the most recent wedding.
I was a bridesmaid for my very low-key friend. She worked as a buyer in a department store and got us discounts on our dresses. The shower was hosted by her aunt and we all went out for dinner and drinks the night before the wedding.
Then I was MOH for my sister. The shower was hosted by her mother-in-law and sister-in-law (to be). Per my mother, family is not supposed to give the shower so I didn’t host one. I did get a limo and gift bags (mini champagne bottles, candy necklaces, etc) for the bachelorette. Those of us who went (only about 6 or 7) chipped in for dinner and drinks. There were no other attendants.
But when I was bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding, I had to chip in for the shower which was held at a restaurant in the city, I had to chip in for the bus and other expenses for the bachelorette. The dress was $250. The maids of honor (plural!) emailed me just about everyday. They actually ridiculed the shower gift I gave. They were awful. The money involved ($1k+) stressed me out so badly that I developed the shingles…
I agree with those above that brides need to be explicit in what they expect…
Anonymous
Plan a bachelor… party/shower? No, unless you’re the maid of honor or the bride’s sister.
Attend a shower? Generally yes, if you’re in driving distance but I think you get excused if you have a real conflict like work or an important family obligation. If you’re a plane flight away it’s nice but not normally expected.
Attend a bach party? Also fairly common, but more optional. As a bride I didn’t have one. As a bridesmaid, I go if I think it will be fun and worth my time, but I view the shower as more of an obligation. I’ve only gone to more low-key parties in town that consisted of dinner & drinks or mani/pedis. I probably wouldn’t do an out-of-town bach because I have limited time off work and prefer to spend it on real travel with my husband. Although I have a weird love for Vegas so I’d go to one there if I liked the people going, and I’d do an out of town one for my BFF anywhere she wanted, if that’s what she wants.
Pay for? I didn’t have a bach party and haven’t gone to any where I was asked to pay for anything other than myself and my share of a meal and a couple drinks for the bride. I’d balk at the idea of splitting the bride’s share of an out of town vacation unless there were a TON of people and my share would be less than about $50. In the weddings I’ve been in the shower was either essentially free (hosted in someone’s home with potluck food, etc) or it was hosted by the bride’s family or in-laws-to-be so I haven’t paid for that as a bridesmaid, but of course a gift is expected.
Anon
As a bride – well, a decade ago – who had been in the weddings of all but one of her bridesmaids and did the best I could with little money and a demanding job, my expectation was that my bridal party would not just do these things but WANT to do these things, do them without complaint, and look like they were enjoying themselves, as I had when I was their bridesmaid. I 100% disagree that a bride should have to have a conversation about her expectations up front – this is a wedding, not an annual review. Plus, bridesmaids know what the expectations are. You outlined them perfectly yourself.
If someone asks you to be in their wedding and you can’t/won’t/don’t want to participate in everything with as much gusto as you can muster, say no. If you are afraid of upsetting the bride, think of how much more upset she will be if you say yes and then phone it in at a time when she’s expecting you to be one of her biggest cheerleaders. Think about how you would feel if you counted on someone to be happy and excited for you and do fun things like dress shopping and they were all “blah this sucks and is inconvenient” about it.
Anonymous
This.
lawsuited
I expected my bridesmaids to attend the wedding, and attend the shower and the bachelor*tte if reasonably possible. I didn’t expect them to buy their dress/shoes/hair, or plan or pay for any part of the shower or bachelor*tte. I got married when I was 23 and really didn’t want my wedding to cost my friends money.
Pretty Primadonna
I have been a bridesmaid in four weddings in the last 5 years. With regard to all but one, I have had to plan and help pay for the bridal shower and/or bachelor!tte events. One particular bride’s MOH wanted each of the bridesmaids to chip in $300-$400 for the SHOWER. On top of this, the wedding was a destination wedding in an expensive city at an expensive hotel.
I wholeheartedly agree with brides being upfront about their expectations when asking people to be in their weddings.
Kelly
Sorry for the threadjack. My twin brother and I are graduating from college this year and we are both moving to new cities for work opportunities. Both of us went to schools that qualify to be in the “Ivy Plus” society, so we were wondering if this was a good way to meet people in our new cities, or whether these events (and people) were pretentious and full of themselves. Has anyone been to Ivy Plus events? Would you recommend them for people our age just starting out as a way to make connection? Thanks!
Wildkitten
I think those clubs are dumb but I think when you are 22 and in a new city you might as well try all the dumb clubs and see where you find good people. Don’t ONLY go go TIPS events, but sure – go to happy hour and see if you like it.
Anonymous
A few friends & I went to Ivy Plus events back in 2009, in the Bay Area. I think it was shortly after they started. We found it extremely “meat market”-y with a high guy:girl ratio (this is in Silicon Valley though, so the whole population has a somewhat high guy:girl ratio). I was not single at the time and was a little uncomfortable with how overtly it seemed to be a dating thing. I did think the people there were a tad pretentious, but not worse than you’d find at a nice lounge in the financial district of any major city. I had more luck with “young alum” events in my area for my school because there you have an immediate common ground with everyone you meet, and it’s also a chance to reconnect with people you knew vaguely in school who are now in your area.