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Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Blue Leopard Wrap Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. JNY Blue Leopard Wrap DressJones New York has a pretty great sale going: 50% off all sale styles. I like this dark blue faux wrap dress — simple, wearable, but fun. (It's also machine washable, score.)  It was $119, then marked to $59, but with the sale it comes down to $29.50. It's available in sizes 2-16, as well as plus sizes. Jones New York Blue Leopard Wrap Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

211 Comments

  1. Who wants a sunny travel TJ on this icy morning?

    Headed to Anguilla in a week! Looking for recommendations for:
    – Best beachside lunch spots (we’ll be planning our days assuming we’ll eat on the beach and want to visit a number of different beaches),
    – Casual dinners (we have our two “fancy” dinners – Blanchards and Veya – reserved already), and
    – Companies to do a semi private snorkel/island tour/etc day trips.

    We’re flying through St Maarten and will be ending our trip with a short stay on Simpson’s Bay, so any suggestions for “if I could go back to one restaurant on St Maarten/Martin, it would be _____” type thoughts too.

    TIA!

    1. Lucky! We don’t go for the food, but we never miss Sunset Beach Bar at Maho beach (near Simpson Bay) for airplane watching. It can be a mob scene, but there’s nothing like a 747 passing over the beach at 75 feet. We also enjoy Lee’s Roadside Grill in Simpson Bay. Touristy (like all of St. Maarten) but they grill ENORMOUS lobsters and have cheap drinks and good bands.

        1. Glad to know that’s not overrated – I was feeling like a dork for wanting to go! We’re staying right on Simpson’s Bay – is SSBB accessible by foot from the beach?

          1. Not sure exactly where you’re staying, but on Google maps it looks like the airport gets in the way between Simpson Bay and Maho. It’s a 10 minute cab ride maximum, and if SSBB is overwhelmed with people there is another much crustier little place at the other end of Maho beach.

    2. Not sure if this is too late for you to see, but I LOVE L’Estaminet in Grand Case (French side). The food is really creative and also delicious. Hands down the best restaurant on St. Martin, as far as I’m concerned.

  2. Reposting from yesterday afternoon. I’m turning 30 this year and had originally planned on running a triathlon relay in Hawaii with 2 of my best friends from college. (Un)fortunately, we’re all pretty high-achieving, so my swimmer friend will be on a can’t-take-days-away-off rotation of her medical internship and my biker friend has little (but a little more) control over her biglaw schedule.

    Swimmer friend is in Phoenix, so I’m thinking of a yoga/spa retreat somewhere in Arizona for a long weekend in mid/late May (when she’s on a slightly more forgiving rotation) even though my actual birthday is in April. Biglaw friend is in DC and I’m in-house in NYC.

    Google has been a little overwhelming and Yowunga seems a bit gimmicky to me (like I’m only seeing paid advertisements and not getting a full sampling of what’s out there).

    Has anyone done anything like this (or fantasy-planned) and/or have recs? I’m looking for something like Shoshoni Y0ga Ashram in Colorado. Would prefer slightly lux on the scale to barebones ashram.

    1. Miraval Resort in Tucson is stunning (and pricey). Sedona would be another gorgeous spot to do a yoga retreat and there are tons of resorts there to chose from. Also, Sedona will have great weather in May (Phoenix and Tucson can be hot then).

      You could make-your-own retreat in Phoenix. You could stay at a gorgeous spa hotel (the Camelback Inn is my favorite) and do yoga classes at any one of the awesome studios nearby (Urban Yoga, the Madison, Desert Song, Sumits).

    3. Hubs & I did a trip to Tucson in April 2012, and it was fantastic. We rented a condo from vrbo (which was nice, because we had something that felt like a home, with a kitchen & plenty of space). We hiked, ate, and did nothing. We stayed in the Catalina foothills, which is a really nice area, and close to the area we did most of our hiking (Sabino Canyon area)

      It was very cold at night (lows in the 30-40s), but warm (80s) in the day.

    4. I know this is nitpicky, but please don’t equate being “high-achieving” with having jobs that have zero flexibility about personal leave. Plenty of high-achievers can take a scheduled vacation and it just plays into the perception that hard-workers should have zero personal life! I know that wasn’t your intention but it’s a pet peeve!

    5. I recommend the Four Seasons in Scottsdale, AZ. Serene, gorgeous, great food, and very relaxing for our girls weekend last year. We never left the resort.

    6. I recommend the Dove Mountain Ritz Carlton in Tucson. Incredible service, great pool, spa, hiking at the resort or at nearby Catalina Mountains, and incredible stargazing.

    7. Thanks for all your suggestions – can’t wait to start checking these out!

      Batgirl – it’s totally fine. I didn’t mean to equate “high-achieving” with having zero flexibility about personal leave. But we really are just in the “paying our dues” season of our careers (even CEOs of start-ups have very low flexibility – you’re representing and advocating for your brand 24/7!). I would hope we are making some “investment” by trading zero flexibility now to be able to climb high enough to be in positions of example-setting and policy-making re: how to spend your time in the future.

  3. All this bridesmaid talk on yesterday’s thread got me thinking. What do you expect of your bridesmaids? Bridesmaids, what are your expectations when a friend asks you to be in her wedding?

    I’m also curious if region and age affect this. I’ll start:

    Age: mid-30s
    Region: Chicago
    Weddings: As of this year, I’ll have been in six weddings. Only one was local.

    In my early twenties, people poured endless amounts of time and money into mega-bachelorette parties, showers, etc. As we get into our thirties, I’m noticing that friends have fewer (or no) bridesmaids, and expectations seem to be different.

    If/when I get married, I can’t imagine having tons of bridesmaids. I’ll probably just have my sister. And I wouldn’t expect anyone who wasn’t already in my city to attend a shower or a bachelorette party. But my answers would have been very different ten years ago!

    Thoughts?

    1. This stuff always surprises me when it comes up. I got married at 21, so no one I knew had much experience with it, and all I ever asked of mine was to get a dress (and just a dress – with whatever shoes/hair/etc. they wanted, and the dress was under $100) and to show up. And it was fine (great, in fact). I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times since, and that’s really been the only thing that I’ve been expected to do, either, other than attend and maybe help plan showers/bachelore!!e parties, but even not that much for those. (The only bach parties I’ve ever heard of anyone I know IRL doing involve pretty low-planning activities like dinner and drinks – the most fun one actually started with dinner and ended with bowling.)

    2. I had four bridesmaids when I got married at 25. I didn’t expect them to do anything. My mom and MIL both wanted to throw me a shower, so bridesmaids helped a bit with those. Everyone lived in the Northeast at the time, so it was a short drive or train ride for any events. I did think about location in choosing bridesmaids, since even though I didn’t “expect” them to do anything, I knew they might end up going to some events.

      I invited them to come along to help me pick out my dress, and all except my SIL, who was pregnant, accepted. They picked out their bridesmaid dresses at the same time, and I paid for them. I also invited them to get their nails and hair done before the wedding and paid for it if they accepted (everyone decided to do this, but I wouldn’t have cared if they didn’t want to).

    3. My first marriage was in my early 20s. My bridesmaids bought their dress (under $100). No other hair/shoe/etc. requirements. They were invited to the shower my relatives threw for me and most came. No other events before wedding besides rehearsal Friday and wedding Saturday. My mom threw a brunch for family and close friends on Sun and bridesmaids were invited but not all came. I lived in an east coast city at the time but got married in my rural hometown near my college. Everybody but me and my fiance’s sister lived in or near my hometown. I had just moved to east coast city 2 mos before wedding, so no friends from there yet at time of wedding.

      My 2nd wedding will be this summer. I’m in my late 30s in Chicago. I’m not having any bridesmaids or a wedding party. Just a civil ceremony and a small reception afterwards. No engagement parties, shower, bachelorette parties or even a rehearsal dinner. Just the wedding ceremony and reception.

      I’ve never been a bridesmaid. None of my close friends (and none of my bridesmaids from my 1st wedding) are married, except for the friends who were already married when I met them.

    4. Expectations as a bride
      — Allowed bridal party to choose their own outfits within a color scheme (or would have paid for their dresses if wearing something I’d specifically picked out)
      — Bachelorette party cost less than $100 per person and was totally optional
      — No expectation of expensive shower/gifts (just wanted a potluck lunch with friends and family)
      — Did not expect out of town bridesmaids to attend anything other than the wedding
      — Attempted to facilitate free lodging for out of town bridesmaids
      — Nails/hair/makeup was totally optional for anyone into it

      Expectations as a bridesmaid (unless for my sister or BFF for whom I would do whatever they wanted):
      — Attend one out of town event
      — Bachelorette party should cost less than $100
      — Bridesmaid outfit shouldn’t cost more than $100 unless I’m picking it out myself
      — Nails/hair/makeup should be optional unless the bride is paying

      I guess I just don’t subscribe to the whole idea that the wedding is one’s “Special Day” and that the months leading up to it should necessarily involve large investments of time and money by the people who love that person. In my mind, the marriage itself is about the two people getting married, and the wedding is a celebration with the community of people around them. Which, to me, means that wedding planning decisions should also very much take into account the people that the bride loves. Expecting a bridesmaid to spend $300 on a dress they will never wear again, attend multiple events that they have to spend lots of money on, and then shell out for transportation and a hotel room for the wedding as well, including multiple gifts, just seems to often end up resulting in hugely inconsiderate behavior towards the people that you love. My two cents.

  4. Job hunter TJ — interested in your take on this. I’ve been recruited to apply for a position that I’m super-interested in: it’s not only a great professional move, but it would also solve a host of logistical problems related to work/life balance. Needless to say I’m very excited! It reports to the CEO of the organization and he personally encouraged me to submit my materials after we had lunch together earlier this fall. I’ve also met with one of his direct reports for coffee and she, with his blessing, gave me some inside scoop on the background to the position’s creation and posting. All good things.

    So my question is: the job listing appeared online on December 18th. CEO emailed me on the 22nd to make sure I’d seen the listing. I applied on December 29th and shot the CEO an email thanking him, confirming my application, etc. He sent me a cheery one-liner back so I know he saw my message.

    Now what? How long do I give it before I check in again? One month after the job was posted (even though the holidays were in there too)? A month after I applied? There is no deadline or due date included with the online description. My goal is to look interested/on top of things without losing my cool/appearing desperate. My application went to HR via email and I asked them (in the body of my email) to please confirm receipt of my message — but they never did.

    Signed,
    Antsy

    1. However much time you would normally think is appropriate, add 2 (and maybe even 3) weeks because of the holidays.

    2. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and Jone’s New York!!! And this is so inexpensive I will NOT even ask dad b/f purcheasing it! Thank’s Kat (and Kate).

      As for the OP, hug’s, but it never pay’s to be bashful. You want the job, and appear to be qualified — why be reserved about it? So long as you are NOT to brassy, drop an e-mail to your contact (and potentially also the CEO reiterateing your interest in the job and your willingness to provide any additional information necessary to complete your application. I know it is a fine line between being assertive and pushey, but I have found that at least 9x out of 10, my “assertiveness” has NOT hurt me. I got my job by falling into the manageing partner (by mistake), tho it worked. I do NOT think that if I was shy I would have gotten the chance. So go for it! YAY!

      BTW, I am endorseing my UGGs b/c I did not fall on my tuchus once in the 40 block’s I walked to work, while others were slippeing and slideing in the NYC mushy snow and ice. Yay for UGG’s. They are expensive, but the tread work’s for me. My tuchus is dry soleley b/c of the UGGs! DOUBEL YAY!

    3. Was there a closing date on the application process ? If so, I would give it that amount of time, plus about three weeks. If there was no closing date, and you applied on 12/29, I would give it until at least the end of January or early February before I checked again. Things get backed up over the holidays, and it takes folks a week or two to get their feet under them again. If there were lots of applications, they are probably still just in a stack somewhere.

      1. No closing date on the application. I fear you are correct — end of month would be best — but I am DYING inside and want them to hustle!

        1. I would follow up on the 20th. If it’s private industry, they’re not likely to follow “closing dates” especially if you’re the candidate the CEO sourced and referred.

    4. No need to check in with them. They have your materials and the CEO has vouched for you already. If they are interested in interviewing you, they are going to reach out to you. While I totally understand that you are excited for this job, it’s good to keep looking around and applying to other jobs because you just never know. I’ve had first round interviews where they straight out told me that they would be bringing me in for a callback, that didn’t result in a callback (lots of things can happen behind the scenes that are completely out of your control). I don’t want to rain on your parade, but for me and my mental health, it would have been better for me, back when I was job searching, to just not experience such highs and lows, but to take things in stride. Good luck!

      1. +1, and this is often AskAManger’s advice as well. They have no idea what their timeframe is actually going to end up like and constantly checking in is only going to annoy them and frustrate you.

        If you follow up, only do it the one time and then don’t do it again until they contact you. If they have something to tell you, they will let you know.

      2. Agreed. If they want to interview you, they will contact you. You contacting them will likely do nothing but add one more task (responding to your inquiry) to someone’s already full plate while doing nothing in terms of making them more interested in you as a candidate. As someone who reviews job applications, I am annoyed when people follow up.

  5. After hearing tons of buzz, I recently purchased a fancy (& pricey) Mason Pearson hairbrush. It seems to be excellent quality. however, I am a longtime sufferer of scalp issues, namely seborrheic dermatitis (aka dandruff/scales) which I am being treated for by a dermatologist.

    The issue is that I tend not to brush my scalp daily because it distributes flakes very noticeably throughout my very dark hair. I know that distribution of oils from the scalp is the main purpose of the pricey Mason Pearson brushes. So I’m not sure whether I should bother keeping this tool if I only brush my scalp every few days right before washing my hair.

    I’d really appreciate any thoughts/tips from anyone with similar issues. Thanks so much!

    1. What else are you going to do with a used hairbrush?

      I’d keep it and try it out as intended- daily brushing. See if it helps. I just keep brushing mine until the flakes are out.

      1. Thanks for your input – it’s helpful to know what worked for you. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m just worried about spending so much on something that might not be that useful to me.

        1. Return it. It was expensive and you can’t use it. Spend your money on something else.

        2. Oh if you haven’t used it yet then yeah return it. It’s not magical or anything.

    2. Long-time lurker, can’t believe this is what’s drawing me out today, but there you have it.

      My (wonderful) mother-in-law bought me a Mason Pearson brush about a year ago and I LOVE it. I also have dandruff/flakes, although not severe enough for me to make time for the dermatologist. My hair is also very fine and somewhat thin, and dark.

      Here’s my solution: I only brush my hair with the MP brush at night right before I go to bed. It makes my scalp feel so good, gets the oil down to my roots, and gets all the flakes off/out. I’m going to bed so I don’t have to care about visible flakes. In the morning, I comb my hair with a large-tooth wide-spaced comb. It works because it gets the knots out but doesn’t suck the volume out of my fine, thin hair, and doesn’t pull out/distribute flakes either.

      I actually found, after using it for awhile at night, that it seems to lessen my flakes because it seems to be good for my dry scalp and the distribution of oil helps there too. Maybe that would work for you?

  6. Yesterday’s bridesmaid thread got me thinking. What do you expect of your bridesmaids? As a bridesmaid, how much money and time do you expect to give to the bride? Does this change if you’re not in the same city? I wonder how age, region, number of weddings you’ve been in and if you’re married or not affects this…

    I’ll start.

    Age: mid-30s
    Region: Chicago
    Weddings: As of this year, I’ll have been in six weddings. Only one was local.

    If/when I get married, I’d probably just have my sister as a bridesmaid and save my friends the trouble and expense. My good friends know who they are! But if you would have asked me ten years ago, my answers would have been very different. I’m sure I would have wanted tons of bridesmaids because that’s what all my friends were doing. I’m noticing that as my friends get into our thirties, they’re having fewer (or no) bridesmaids.

    Thoughts?

    1. Current age: 29
      Region: Toronto
      Weddings: My friends are only now starting to get married, so I’ve been in 1 wedding so far with 2 more coming up

      I got married when I was 23, and expected my 4 bridesmaids to attend the wedding, and attend the shower and bachelor*tte if possible. I didn’t expect them to buy their apparel or hair/makeup for the wedding (I factored that into my wedding budget) or plan or pay for the shower and bachelor*tte. I think because I (and my friends) were young, I didn’t want my wedding to cost them money because I knew they couldn’t easily afford it.

      As a bridesmaid, I’m happy to pay for my dress but hope that the bride is mindful of the cost (I don’t want to spend $400 on a bridesmaids dress, I just don’t, and it’s not because I don’t love my friend). I also think *requiring* purchase of new shoes, professionally done hair, nails, makeup, etc. is a bit much. I love organizing parties, and would be happy to plan and pay for a shower/bachelorette depending on how demanding a bride is. If I’m just implementing a bride’s list of demands and have no control over the cost, then I might resent paying for it.

    2. I’m mid thirties and recently engaged. My attendants will be my brothers :)

      I expect them to show up on time, tell me I look beautiful, and tell me jokes to ease my nerves. That’s about it :)

      4. This is really sweet – and makes me reconsider my (someday) plans, as someone with brothers and no sisters.

      5. My brothers were my bridesmen too! And I was my brother’s person of honour. It was great.

    3. My best friend from grad school was my witness / bridesmaid. She was flying in from a remote destination. She arrived the day before so she planned a simple tea with a handful of local friends and helped with flowers the day before. We picked out the dress together (not a typical bridesmaid dress) and I paid for dress, hair and make-up. She was really cute, she hadn’t had her hair done before and ended up sleeping with her hair in the updo so she could enjoy it the next day.

      My expectations were to be there, be cheerful, and do a reading. It was expensive for her to fly in so I didn’t want her to incur additional expenses (she stayed with my parents).

    4. Age: Early 30s
      Region: Mid-Atlantic
      Weddings: Married 7 years, been in 3 weddings

      My expectations at 24: Had three bridesmaids. Expected them to buy their dresses – this was in the early days of JCrew bridesmaids, but I waited until my style of choice went on promo and then everyone ordered – we were all students so I wanted to make it as low-cost but still high-quality as possible, and I chose short dresses to maximize re-wearability. They could choose their own accessories. Invited them to attend my shower (which was planned by my aunts), but did not expect them to do so if they didn’t have the funds (it was a flight away, where most of my family is located). Expected them to plan/attend/pay a share of my b-r*tte, but it was a local dinner and drinks thing with no travel required. Was pleasantly surprised when friends brought lingerie gifts to b-r*tte.

      As a bridesmaid: Was treated similarly, which was very nice. Helps that I have low-key friends.

      If I were doing it now: I’d have just a MOH, and would not have a shower or b-r*tte at all. The fuss isn’t really my style – the shower was only because I didn’t want to annoy the family members who offered to give it for me.

    5. I’m in my mid 30’s in NJ. The older I get, the more I think bridesmaids are a weird tradition. I’m not sure if I will have them if I get married because all I would expect them to do is what all of the other guests do, aside from walk down the aisle and wear matching dresses. I know it’s not the “proper” thing to do, but for every wedding I’ve ever been to, the shower is at the bride’s mother’s house or is thrown by the bride’s mother at a restaurant. That seems so much more logical – friends shouldn’t really be expected to shell out so much money and let’s face it, there’s going to be a shower anyway no matter who technically throws it. They would probably plan a bachelorette party, but I think my close friends and I could plan that just fine without needing a bridesmaid distinction.

      It seems kind of silly to make a bunch of women in their 30’s and 40’s dress up in matching dresses that they can never feasibly wear again. I think if I did have them, I would just tell everyone to wear whatever cocktail dress they wanted, or maybe give them a color like black or navy blue.

      1. I definitely thought the idea of bridesmaids was weird, and a pointless tradition.

        But, one thing that inadvertently came out of it for me was that all my bridesmaids became closer with my family and husband’s family, since they came to all the pre-wedding events (I didn’t require it, they were invited by relatives and decided to come to showers, parties, etc).

        Then at my brother’s funeral recently, I realized that the four women who’d been my bridesmaids were the only four of my friends who came. I think part of it was how close they felt to my family after going through all the wedding stuff with them. They also all knew each other, despite being from different parts of my life (childhood friends, college, husband’s family, etc). I don’t know if I’m explaining right – it just seemed really nice and comforting at the time, that these women who’d stood up with me on my wedding day helped me say good-bye to my brother.

        1. I’m sorry for your loss. Your bridesmaids sound like treasures. I hope you all stay connected for many more years–and on less sorrowful occasions.

    6. I was 25 when I got married. Had a small ceremony & reception at my aunt & uncle’s house (mid-atlantic-ish)–only about 80 guests. My sister and my best GF were my maids. I handed them a swatch of blue fabric and asked them to find a dress they liked (anywhere, any style) in that color.

      Otherwise, I didn’t expect anything from them.

      When I was a maid in my sister’s (and bff’s) wedding, it was about the same. Buy a dress, come to the lunch & shower, show up on time. Drink. Repeat.

    7. I expect to purchase a dress for $200 or less, host a shower, with contributions from the other bridesmaids, and help plan a bachelor—/ party that likely will involve travel because my friends are all really scattered. I also expect that if I can’t do any of those things for a particular wedding, except the dress, it will be totally fine. I generally expect to spend a whole Saturday on the wedding and to be cheerful about it.

      1. “I also expect that if I can’t do any of those things for a particular wedding, except the dress, it will be totally fine.”

        This. This. This.

    8. Mid-30’s, married, NYC. I was in 1 wedding prior to mine. For the wedding where I was a bridesmaid, I probably spent about $1,500+, between showers, bachelorettes, travel/hotels, dress, and a gift – and my friend wasn’t even high maintenance. My sister, best friend, and brother were my attendants. I had very low expectations for my siblings and my friend, because of distance and life circumstances, so I was appreciative of everything they did. I did not expect gifts (this sounds cliché, but their presence really was their gift – with everything they had going on in their lives, I appreciated that they could be there).

      My expectations: buy a dress in any shade of one particular color/wear an existing suit, wear whatever shoes they wanted. We provided ties/socks in that same color for my husband’s guys and my brother. My cousin and aunt organized a shower for me, and my best friend organized my bachelorette. I organized a hair/makeup session for the day-of, but that was completely optional for them (because I wasn’t going to pay for it).

    9. I had a very small wedding and had my sister and my best friend as bridesmaids. I bought their dresses for them, I did not have a shower, they did take me out as a kind of bachelorette thing. So I just expected them to show up, wearing the dress, in their own choice of shoes and with their hair and makeup looking nice (my best friend did her own and my sister’s.)

      I was the maid (matron? I was already married) of honor in both of their weddings. They both had much larger weddings and this was about 7-8 years after my wedding. I spent probably $1500 or more on each one. I bought a dress and shoes for each, hosted a bridal shower for each, pitched in on the bachelorette night out for each, and rented a hotel room for the night of the wedding for each wedding. My son was also a ring bearer in each wedding, so I rented his tux both times. I did my own hair and make-up both times, and with my friend she paid to get our nails done as a bridesmaid gift. I did my own nails for my sister’s wedding. For both weddings I also put together emergency kits, helped the bride get dressed, etc.

      I really enjoyed both weddings though and both my sister and my best friend mean the world to me, so I was happy to be involved in the planning and as part of the actual day. Their type of wedding is obviously not what I chose for my own, but that was because my husband and I didn’t want to have a big wedding. So I don’t feel resentful or anything like that.

    10. I got married at 25 in the midwest after having been in 2 weddings. I had 6 bridesmaids, and expected them to buy a dress (J Crew in a style of their choice – I helped them find sales and ebay auctions to lower the cost). They were nice enough to plan a bachelorette party for me, though if for some reason if that hadn’t been possible I would have understood (though disappointed). I expected them to show up on time and sober for the wedding, and to have one make a speech, which they did successfully.

      I have been treated similarly except that one friend’s maid of honor asked us to help plan and pay for a shower, and my sister-in-law chose a bridesmaid’s dress that was a little more than I would have liked to spend, but I have actually worn it to other events (crazy, right?), so it ended up being fine.

      Honestly, I don’t think I’m friends with the type of person that would have crazy high expectations – and I’m very happy about that.

    11. I’m getting married soon (40) and having my sister as my only attendant. This has been my plan as long as I can remember. She can wear any dress of her choosing that isn’t all white or black. Her only real assignment is running interference with our mother if necessary. I don’t expect (or really want) any shower or bachelorette. She is dress shopping with me. I’m not paying for her dress (and based on what we’re looking at, she is likely to choose one that costs more than mine), but I am paying for her hotel for the wedding weekend. They’ll be other friends asked to do readings or hand out programs, but they’ll just be expected to come to the rehearsal and wear… clothes.

      I’ve been a sole attendant on my side in two weddings, a gay ceremony way before we thought marriage equality was achievable and a recent destination wedding that was the second wedding for both. We didn’t do any showers there, either, and I was allowed to choose my own dress. A few of my friends had traditional, multi-bridesmaid weddings in our 20s, but I wasn’t in them for various practical weddings, and I was not upset to be left out.

      I did, many moons ago, have a falling out with someone who said she was choosing another person to be her MOH (& only attendant) over me because “Even though we’ve been friends longer and you’ve always supported me, she’ll shut up and wear a pink dress if I want her to, and I can’t count on you to do what I tell you to.” She couldn’t understand why that characterization offended me, and I ended the friendship without looking back.

    12. As a bridesmaid in the past: bought the long dress/shoes on my own money, but the moms/aunts planned the showers, and we skipped the b-r3tt3 parties. The bridesmaids’ jobs were basically show up, look pretty, and keep the bride from going crazy(er).

      Plans for my own wedding someday: MoH will be best friend from college, sis-in-law will be bridesmaid, if my fiance has any sisters I’ll be asking them as well. That’s it. Not entirely sure if I want a big do-up in the days before the wedding, I will probably be so stressed already that I’ll just want to curl up alone :P

    13. 26 when married, had two bridesmaids. Both were gainfully employed in a career.

      Expected them to pay for their dress OR lodging (I offered to pay for one – their choice, both around $250) and shoes/jewelry. The dress was their pick but they each bought something new for my criteria; I had no criteria for the accessories and they mostly picked items they already owned.

      I paid for hair/make-up (although both chose to do their own make up and one did own hair too). One hosted bachelorette and the other hosted bridal shower, although I didn’t want either and told them, so I don’t feel it should count as an expectation. Both were pretty small affairs and probably didn’t cost more than $100 to host. Due to location, they each attended only one.

      Day-of, one drove. We met for breakfast, and I paid. Otherwise, they just needed to be there on time, help me into my dress, and smile for pictures. And eat the leftover cake scraps, lol.

      When I’ve been a bridesmaid, I’ve typically been responsible for paying for my hair/make-up and lodging. If bride chooses a dress, she usually pays; if we pick a dress within bride-supplied-criteria, then usually we pay. Sometimes MOH hosts shower solo; sometimes we’re all given tasks or asked to financially contribute.

    14. Hmmm.. my post seems to have disappeared. Pardon the duplicate.

      26 when married, had two bridesmaids

      Expected them to pay for their dress or lodging (I offered to pay for one – their choice, both around $250) and shoes/jewelry. The dress was their pick but they each bought something new for my criteria; the accessories had no criteria from me and they mostly picked items they already owned.

      I paid for hair/make-up (although both chose to do their own make up and one did own hair too). One hosted bachelorette and the other hosted bridal shower, although honestly I didn’t really want either and told them, so I don’t feel it should count as an expectation. Both were pretty small affairs and probably didn’t cost more than $100 to host. Due to location, they each attended only one.

      Day-of, one drove us all. We met for breakfast, and I paid. Otherwise, they just needed to be there on time, help me into my dress, and smile for pictures. And eat the leftover cake scraps, lol.

      When I’ve been a bridesmaid, I’ve typically been responsible for paying for my hair/make-up and lodging. If bride chooses a dress, she usually pays; if we pick a dress within bride-supplied-criteria, then usually we pay. Sometimes MOH hosts shower solo; sometimes we’re all given tasks or asked to financially contribute.

    15. 30, got married in my late 20s. I had 4 bridesmaids: 3 friends and my sister-in-law. All except my MOH were living far away from me. I expected them to attend the wedding & rehearsal dinner, and to purchase and wear the dress I chose. That was pretty much it. I let them choose their own shoes and accessories (but asked them to stick to a color palette) and I paid for their hair on the wedding day if they wanted it done (they all did). We did each other’s makeup. I didn’t expect, and didn’t have, a bach party. I wasn’t really expecting a shower because we had a small wedding, and there weren’t many female wedding guests living in my area. But my MOH threw me a small, casual shower with the 6 local girls who were invited to the wedding, which was super nice.
      I haven’t yet been a bridesmaid for anyone and doubt I will ever be, except for my MOH and possibly my sister-in-law. I’ll definitely plan and pay for a shower for my MOH and would plan a bach party too, if she wanted one. It’s easy for me to say I’ll take on all this stuff because I know she will be the least demanding, most easy-going bride ever. For my sis-in-law I would do it a bit grudgingly but I suppose some involvement in that stuff is probably a family obligation.

    16. I’m just shy of 30. I’ve been in 3 weddings, and all have been in cities (or in one case, country) where I did not live, and all my friends are very low-key. The first one told me what color dress to get, and then I just showed up to hang out with her the day of the wedding. The second wanted us to wear a particular color and fabric from J.Crew, but let us pick our own style and she paid for the dresses. We did a bachelorette party two days before the wedding that was just dinner and bowling (this was the wedding in another country). The third was originally going to let us pick our own dresses, but we went shopping for bridesmaids dresses and found one that worked for everyone and was reasonably priced, so we went with that. I attended the shower but couldn’t make the bacherlorette because of work and that was fine.
      For my own wedding, I’ll probably have my best friend from high school as matron of honor and best friend from college as maid of honor, I’ll pay for their dresses (which will probably be the same color but not same style), expect them to hang out with me while I get ready the day of the wedding, mainly so I have someone to run interference on my mother, and that’s about it.

  7. Threadjack: Have any ‘r e t t e s went from a government regulatory attorney position to a related in-house corporate or compliance position? Even better if this was in insurance or healthcare. I am looking to do so in the future and would love any and all advice. Thanks!

    1. I did and would be happy to tell you my story. I had a stop at a law firm before going to work in house in the same field. You can email me at only4shopping1@gmail.com. I have been in house almost 5 years and have been out of law school 12 years.

  8. How do you ladies store your photos? I take tons of photos and have several thousand saved. Right now, this is my system:

    *upload photos to Air (which automatically puts them in iPhoto)
    *post to Flickr
    *back them up using Time Machine on an external hard drive

    But my MacBook Air is almost full. I’m considering buying one of those 1 TB hard drives and moving the majority of my photos to it to free up some space. But I guess that means I wouldn’t keep them in iPhoto anymore, right? Is there really a need for that if they’re already on Flickr/backed up in Time Machine/backed up on another external hard drive?

    What do you do?

    1. I’m really interested in peoples’ responses to this. I need to get a handle on photo storage this year!

      We use Dropbox as a backup method but are Amazon Prime users and I just read that they’re now offering cloud storage. What are the hive’s feelings on using Prime for photo backup instead?

      1. With prime storage, the maximum size per pic is 2gb. Probably not an issue if you mainly take iphone photos, but if you’re using an SLR that won’t be big enough.

    2. One of my 2015 to dos is to go through my photos and delete at least 3/4 of them. I have dropbox/icloud/amazon prime but I’m realizing that I have a lot of photos saved to my harddrive that I won’t need in the future (both crappy photos from college and lots of screenshots from my iphone) that I want to just delete.

    4. As a caution, I did this in 2006. I bought an external hard drive to back-up my photos. However, I did not do anything to back that up in any way and in fact the external hard drive expired before my (older) computer did, around 2009. (The computer did follow shortly after and probably caused some of the problems that did in the external hard drive.) Hopefully the technology has gotten better, and I am not super adept, so perhaps there were things I should have done. But I have moved three times now with the external hard drive in hopes that someday the cost of extracting photos will go down. (My tech-savvy husband and a colleague in IT have both looked at it and been unable to transfer photos for me.)

      That said, I don’t have a great solution. At this point, Facebook + Shutterfly + my desktop are about as much of an archive has I have and I hate the uncertainty of it all.

      1. yes, be careful of external drive failure. If possible, go with a solid state drive (no spinning parts = less likelihood of physical equipment failure) and consider at least 2 places to backup for the photos that are most important to you.

    5. I save on an external hard drive & digital scrap them into books that I print via Shutterfly when they have a sale

    6. Laptop, shutterfly, external harddrive, and on the SD card they were originally on. The SD cards have a habit of breaking (I get a “memory card error”), so that doesn’t count. For pictures from trips or major events, I make a photobook on shutterfly with one of their many sales (or with a free photobook from coke rewards points). My triumph this weekend was a photobook with an original price of $183 that I got down to about $40 with discounts and promos.

    7. Currently, since I have enough storage remaining, I keep my photos on both my MacBook Air as well as an external hard drive. The MBA is also synced with Time Machine to a different external.

      If you have a lot of categorized events/info in iPhoto that you’d like to save, I heard that it’s possible to save an entire iPhoto library to an external hard drive and launch the library from that.

  9. Ideas for simple cocktails? Hosting a small get-together this weekend and would like to make a simple signature drink.

    4. What about a whiskey sour? Make the sours mix from fresh lemons and limes and simple syrup beforehand, and then mixing the cocktails at the party is a breeze. Something about a whiskey sour in cold weather is just perfect.

    6. I made mulled wine for our Halloween party. The house smelled so good! I like the idea of whiskey sours, especially since I have a ton of lemons to use.

    8. Moscow mule – Vodka, ginger ale, lime. Usually served in a tin cup, but I doubt anyone will care if you don’t.

    10. PUNCH.

      I love Garden & Gun’s stiff punch recipe, but it is boozy (whisky, rum, brandy, raw sugar, lemon juice, black tea).

    11. Blueberry stoli and sprite (with a lime) is my favorite.

      Also good is Lambic framboise mixed with champagne (though I actually prefer prosecco.)

  10. I see some bridesmaids questions and have one as well: I am in a wedding and the bride wants us to wear dyeable shoes, although she said they didn’t all have to be the same. Yeah, still not a good idea. We are trying to think of counterpoints to talk her out of this – the dress, for example, is long, so no one will see them, we won’t wear them again, we are willing to let her pick out a color/have veto power over other shoes we choose. Other reasons to talk her out of this horrible idea?

      2. Haha I got married in the 80s and dyeables were the rage. Even when in style, I find those cheap satin shoes so uncomfortable.

    3. As a former costume mistress, I can tell you that dyeable shoes don’t always dye that well, so they also might be a time and money suck that leaves you having to buy different shoes for the wedding anyway when the dyeables don’t turn out right.

    4. I’d vote for her picking a metallic tone, either silver or gold, so you can each get your own pair that still “match.” Otherwise, just get some cheap Payless or David’s Bridal dyeable shoes and move on.

    5. They’re more expensive, don’t dye all the same color and, most importantly, you’re not going to be able to wear them again. Picking a metallic would be a much better option. Also, I think it looks nicer when bridesmaids are dressed similarly but are not clones.

    8. Rather than talk her out of it, I’d find a great alternative and then go for her buy-in.

    9. When I got married in 1984 I really wanted my bridesmaids to have dyeable shoes but I realized that was kind of an unreasonable demand, so I paid for all the shoes myself. (They were light pink. Looked amazing with the fuchsia dresses…) Which, I think, is the only appropriate course of conduct for a bride who wants dyeable shoes on her wedding party.

    10. What if the dye leaks? If your feet sweat, someone spills a drink on them or it rains? You could ruin the dress train, have dye on your legs, on the floor LOL. I don’t know how bad the dye can leak on shoes but I have had dye leak on other things before and it is a mess.

      1. Everyone of my friends that have been forced to wear dyeables for weddings have complained that the dye bled and they all had bright blue feet at the end of the night. No, thanks…

    11. Dyed shoes are awesome. Be sure to also color-match your purse, your eye shadow, your earrings and your date’s tie.

      1. Um, I’m sorry are you forgetting something? Or were you planning on NOT having your wrist corsage and his buttoniere match (because that is NOT DONE).

        1. Sorry – Aqua Net fumes seem to have affected my memory. Added matching teal carnations to my list.

    12. Because 1993 called and they want their shoes back. +1000 if you can all wear matching jewelry and sky high mall hair.

      1. haha these are all great. my biggest concern is not pushing her too hard – she is a really sweet girl and I want her to have what she wants, but I also think she shouldn’t want dyed shoes… there is really no defense for it with long dresses and all.

        1. Does anyone have bad feet or ankles? Maybe that person can make a plea to be able to choose more comfortable shoes for her (because dyeables are the most uncomfortable shoes ever), and then someone else can save the day by proposing that everyone get coordinating metallics?

          1. Yes – do the dyeables come in wide width options? If not, possibly one bridesmaid needs a wide and that’s why you can’t do dyeables? At first glance at David’s Bridal (because that’s the only place I’ve ever seen dyeables) there are only 2 options that come in wide – a flat and an open toe low wedge.

            But I’m also with others that the best way to do this is to offer her other possibilities to say yes to, instead of just vetoing dyeables.

    13. I had dyed shoes in a wedding a few years ago, and they gave me such a bad blister. See if you can convince her that gold or silver sandals that you already own are better?

    14. Unless you get them all dyed by the exact same person at the exact same place at the exact same time, they won’t be identical. Also, the color probably won’t end up being identical anyway if you’re choosing different styles of shoes because of variations in fabric. Also, you’ll end up with dye on your feet. Also, stylistically, dyeables are generally uglier than just getting nice metallic or nude heels that you might actually wear again – my mom wanted dyeables for my wedding, and the available styles were pretty consistently fugly/dated. Also, what?! Who still does this?

      1. Totally ended up with blue feet. And a blue stain at the front of the reception area (outside wedding meant sweaty feet meant puddle of blue.) Remind her she will be staring at groom, not your feet.

  11. What to expect? I’ll be going for business mid-late April for a week-long conference. Staying in the city center, no car. I’m not too worried about crazy weather (it sometimes snows here in May, but we have full summer leaf-out by memorial day), but I still have no idea what to expect–never been!

    Where to go/see/eat with limited time, money & transportation?

    1. We just went for a long weekend in September and loved it. No car but it was easy to train or bus everywhere we wanted to go, or just walk!

      Foodwise, we ate at Relish (it was in our hotel and we were HUNGRY), Top Pot Donuts, Dahlia Lounge, Wild Ginger, and Pike Place Chowder, and enjoyed them all.

      Things to see, we enjoyed the Chihuly museum, the Ballard locks, the Klondike Gold Rush museum, the underground tour, and Pike Place Market. There’s also a great Nordstrom Rack downtown for shopping.

      Have fun!

    2. I love Seattle (lived in the burbs for four years). I haven’t taken it myself, but you should be able to take light rail from the airport to downtown. Downtown itself is quite walkable, if spread out. However, if you want to visit any neighborhoods (which is possible, given food recommendations), you would probably need a cab. The Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and Pioneer Square are all downtown and probably all within about 1-2 miles. (As is the flagship Nordstrom’s store, if that’s your thing.) You could probably take a short bus ride or a long walk to Gasworks Park, which is a great view of the downtown skyline. I also like to recommend people take the downtown ferry to Bainbridge Island and back. You can get a walk-on fare and like a cheap cruise with another unbeatable view.

      The weather will probably be somewhere in 30s to 50s and drizzly. I’d bring a hooded windbreaker and a layer for underneath.

    3. First of all, a bit jealous because I love Seattle. But expect to be colder than you think you will be because of the dampness. Since you are going for a work conference think about any hair products you might need for what extra dampness in the air might do to your hair. I just use a bit of extra pommade to tame frizz. Fun stuff: Pike Place Market for sure, the dt Nordstrom Rack is amazing (and across the street from the flagship Nstrom), if you like seafood — crab cakes at the Dahlia Lounge and scallops or mussels at Wild Ginger. I am not up on the new food scene so others can chime in on other newer eats.

    4. Seattle in April is kind of a crapshoot. You could get a really lovely, sunny weekend, or you could get rain and wind. Make sure to bring a rain jacket with a hood, and some sturdy water resistant shoes. Bring cash in singles and quarters for the bus, or buy an ORCA card at Westlake Station, and then you can get almost anywhere in the city. The waterfront is currently all torn up for seawall repair, but you can still do a really nice walk from Pike Place Market all the way up to the Sculpture garden. Downtown, any of Tom Douglas’s Restaurants are awesome. I love the Aquarium, they have really cool tide pools and sea mammals!

      I second the ferry to Bainbridge (go to Hitchcock/Hitchcock Deli, depending on when you go). If you are into beer, take the bus to Ballard, there are about 10 breweries all within walking distance, my personal favorite is Reuben’s. The restaurants in Ballard are excellent. Walrus and the Carpenter is really cool, if you go at 4 pm, there’s a better chance you won’t have to wait that long. Fremont is also north of downtown, and you can go see the troll under the bridge and go on the Theo Chocolate Factory tour. You can take a bus or walk up to Capitol Hill and walk around Volunteer Park. The neighborhoods that are a bus ride away from downtown are my favorite parts of Seattle!

    5. Agree that it could be beautiful, but definitely be prepared for rain and wet. My money is on it being raining on any given day in April ;) Bring a lightweight, waterproof shell and/or umbrella. Wear shoes that can handle rain and wet streets – leave suede, d’orseys, and peep-toes at home. If boots are appropriate for your event, I recommend. Plan on a hairstyle that will work with humidity. It will probably be 40/50 deg, but wet and cold can make it feel more bone-chilling than you’d expect if you’re coming from a drier climate.

      We tend to be under-dressed out here, workplace dress code-wise, but we don’t generally hold professional attire against people. So if you’re unsure on dress code, wear what you’d wear in your region.

  12. Please skip this if you may be triggered by talking about weight.

    I have not owned a scale for about 10 years. I had noticed that I weighed myself too often and got too focused on the numbers–so I got rid of it. Since then, I have usually ended up noticing gains or losses based on how my clothes fit. At doctor visits, I would either get my only weight reading for the year (or so), or I would decline to be weighed so that I wouldn’t have any number on my mind.

    Lately, however, I have been considering getting a scale again. The reasoning is: guessing makes its own kind of craziness, and if I’m creeping out of my preferred weight range I’d rather know early rather than waiting until it shows in my clothes fits. Sometimes I also feel that a certain pair of jeans, and whether they slide on easily, takes on so much meaning for me that it might be saner to just know the number than play games with my perception. If this all sounds like I am very sensitive about weight changes, that’s correct–and it’s one reason I don’t have a scale and may want to keep it that way.

    Does anyone have input/experience suggesting that it’s helpful or unhelpful to just own a scale after all? My thought would be: weighing myself only once a week, and keeping it somewhere out of the way so it’s not in my face at other times. Thanks.

    1. Nah you absolutely shouldn’t get a scale and I think you know it. You know you. You’re not just going to leave it in a cupboard and weigh in once a week. You’re going to obsess.

      This isn’t about the scale. You’re anxious about something- maybe it’s weight, maybe it’s life- explore those feelings. The scale is just a really dangerous bandaid for you.

    2. I vote no- as I have aged, the scale has given me a false sense of security – my weight hasn’t changed that much in the past few years but shape and amt of fat certainly has! Your non stretch jeans are probably going to be a better indicator of change in your shape!

    3. If you are trying to lose weight (or prevent creeping before it’s too late, i.e. when your clothes are too tight), a scale is a very helpful tool. I used to not own a scale for a long time, but like you found that if my clothes weren’t fitting it was too late! Also, clothes stretch out of their original shape, so it’s not always the best indicator.

      That being said, a scale isn’t everything – taking measurements or photos or even using calipers (if you are actively trying to lose weight) are much more effective and accurate tools, especially given that muscle mass can trip up a standard scale. Also, as you noted, you don’t want to drive yourself crazy weighing yourself every day, multiple times a day. Best is to weigh yourself every 3-4 days at the same time. All this being said, for normal maintenance, I find a standard scale to be helpful to have around. A range of 3 or so lbs is normal fluctuation for me, but my clothes won’t feel tight until I hit 5-7 lbs.

    4. It sounds like you are recognizing that you maybe have had an eating disorder in the past? If you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea, skip it. You know yourself the best. If you want access to a scale, use one at a gym or other outside location.

      1. I had not considered this. If this is the case, skip it. Happy mind is just as important as a healthy body and the difference of a pound will still mean a healthy body, but not at all worth it if your mind is unsettled.

    5. I got rid of the doctor’s medical grade scale in my house when I got divorced (it raised all kinds of issues for me related to my now former husband’s comments that if I hadn’t gotten so fat he would not have had an affair with a woman who was in better shape). Anyway.

      I still have not replaced it.

      From the year I got rid of the scale (1996) until 2009, I never weighed myself. At my annual appointment, I asked the nurse to not say it out loud and just record it in the chart.

      I have now started using scales every once in a while when I see them in a gym or medical office. I only weigh myself first thing in the morning before eating and once I have confirmed that the scale is balanced (and only on medical balance scales). I also ask the nurse to tell me what I weigh at my annual exam.

      Maybe because it has been so many years since those stinging words, maybe because I have matured, maybe because I am in a healthy relationship — who knows? — it is possible for me to deal with it this way instead of never knowing what I weigh. But I needed those years of not knowing first.

    6. I don’t understand this at all. I own a scale and I weigh myself every morning. I take care of my body, I eat healthy, I workout and I like to have full information about my body, including but not limited to my weight. I love my body and I appreciate that owning the scale helps me stay in control.

      1. You don’t understand that weight triggers negative mental health issues for some people? Have you never watched an after school special? Congrats on being totes Perf but maybe work on empathy?

        1. You are being unnecessarily aggressive. She asked if it’s helpful or unhelpful to own a scale. For ME it is very helpful. I didn’t know that only “no, not helpful, don’t get a scale” answers were welcome.

          1. Oh no, that’s not at all the problem with your comment. It’s the “I don’t understand this at all” part. Obvi lots of people have scales and it’s fine but starting with that sentence is not cool.

          2. Actually, the OP never mentioned mental health issues or disordered eating or anything like that. She stated that she was sensitive about weight changes which is not that uncommon. I am extremely sensitive about weight changes myself even though I have never had any issues of any kind and having a scale is helpful for me which was why I commented on her post. I do understand that people can have mental issues associated with weight, etc.

          3. Read between the lines. Being anxious about a number is often an indicator of disordered body image.

      2. You don’t understand that some people have disordered eating? Really? Because you don’t have it no one does?

        1. I think that even if an individual has a history of disordered eating, it may still be very helpful to own a scale and use it.

          1. Sorry, but you’re wrong, at least for me and others I personally know. I posted below about having anorexia in high school. If I weighed myself every morning I would probably end up committing suicide eventually. I’m thankful that I’m tall, attractive, and athletic, but a scale? No f&cking way.

          2. I am not wrong because I said “it MAY be helpful” not “it is DEFINITELY helpful”. Don’t get a scale if you don’t think it’s a good idea.

        1. What? What makes my comment controversial? It is not abnormal to own a scale and think that it is helpful!

          1. Your total lack of empathy or ability to look at this issue from a different (but very obvious) perspective (indeed, one that OP clearly laid out for you) makes it controversial.

            Does that clear it up?

          3. it is you saying “I don’t understand.” what dont you get about that? Of course for some people a scale is helpful. OP is giving us her background and asking, in her circumstance, do we think its helpful. Your inability to “understand” is what makes you so rude.

          4. “You are rude and not very bright.”

            LOL, sure lady. Whatever you say.

            If there’s nothing to clear up then why are you asking why your comment is controversial? Seriously, go crawl back under your rock.

      4. Research demonstrates a connection between weighing yourself daily and negative body image. Not clear if if there’s a causal link, or which way it runs, but worth bearing in mind.

        1. I just wanted to give a different perspective. Weighing myself daily helps me maintain a healthy body as well as a positive body image. You do you, of course.

        2. There’s also research that shows weighing oneself daily helps prevent weight gain. I know that’s true for me — when I stop weighing myself I know I’m in trouble. I think it all just depends on the individual, and I agree that the OP should probably not buy a scale.

          1. “There’s also research that shows weighing oneself daily helps prevent weight gain.”

            THIS.

    7. I wouldn’t buy one, but you know you. I haven’t owned or stepped on a scale in about 15 years, but I was borderline anorexic in high school. I’m a normal healthy size and am vegan and a runner and do yoga, but every time I go to the doctor for anything I have to have the same “I don’t do scales” talk with the nurse again and again. Last time a nurse got so snippy with me about messing up her charting system that I almost had an anxiety attack afterward. The doctor of course couldn’t care less. If I’m ever pregnant I guess I will have to do it, but until then, no thanks.

      1. When you’re pregnant you can get on a scale backwards/close your eyes, and ask nurses/doctors to not tell you your weight unless there is a problem.

      2. I have severe anorexia in my past and when I have physicals now, I get on the scale backward and tell the nurse not to tell me my weight or make any comments about it.

      3. You should get weighed, but close your eyes and ask them not to tell you. I think nurses should get that – it’s not that unusual of a request..

        1. Why should I get weighed? I know how my clothes fit. If I need to modify something, I do it. I’ve worn the same jeans since I was 20. I honestly don’t think I need to be weighed.

    8. From the subtext of your post, there’s a reason you haven’t owned a scale for 10 years, and you should trust the wisdom of your past self that decided that was the safest thing for you. I don’t think you should get a scale.

  13. Job search help needed. I’ve been at my current place of employment for a long time, promoted about 3 years ago, and get beyond stellar reviews (and pay raises) from my boss. But, I am looking. This job is not my calling and there is a lot I don’t like about it. Also, I’d like to be in a different area – closer to family and friends.

    I’m in academia (administration) and am working on masters courses in higher ed administration to make me more marketable. I already have an advanced degree in a related area but feel like every job specifically wants a higher ed degree, so I am doing what I can.

    Problem 1 – I’m experiencing some sort of job hunting ennui. I have a great gig where I am so I can be picky. Accordingly I can find something wrong with every job that looks suitable for me. I keep finding ways to talk myself out of applying for things – I’m too qualified, not qualified enough, I don’t have a Ph.D., I’m not fancy enough (like intimidated to apply for jobs at Ivies with a non Ivy education – images of a search committee guffawing at my credentials, etc.). I need to stop talking myself out of things!

    Problem 2 – the area that I want to get into doesn’t offer much in the way of networking or professional organizations. I’m 4+ hours away from the region I’d like to be in, and don’t have many contacts in the work area I’m aiming for. My network is supportive and knows I am looking, but they are sort of outsiders to what I am shooting for also. I’m not sure how to get myself in front of people so that I can become part of that “hidden job market.” I think I’m smart and capable but I also think my background and credentials – which are far different than the typical candidates for these jobs – are getting me screened out of jobs I would be great for.

    I’m also experiencing fear of the unknown. Like, “well, I make good money where I am and I don’t want to start over, so I’ll just keep slogging along with this.” That is generally the opposite of my personality. I’m definitely a “let’s go for it!” person, but I just don’t feel that way now. Over the past 5 years I have applied for dozens of jobs, and gone on a lot of interviews, and often end up being the first runner up or losing out to an internal candidate. Lately, I haven’t gotten any interviews at all but I am also applying farther outside my obvious wheelhouse.

    I suppose I am just looking for some encouragement and any ideas as to how I can connect with people without having to take a day off of work every week to drive 4 hours to “network.” Waaaaa waaaaah, woe is me.

    Snark and judgement free responses are appreciated.

    1. sorry, this posted twice (thought it disappeared so I re-wrote it), but I welcome responses to either version!

    2. It sounds to me like you need to go to whatever is the main conference people in that region and sector go to, and then network like crazy at it and stay in touch with those folks afterwards. I know you say there’s not much in the way of professional organizations, but surely there is something that the these folks attend? (NACAC if this is college admissions, or some AA&U conference? Higher education seems full of conferences, so hopefully you can find something. If people in the jobs you want have their CV’s online, go through them to see if you can get an idea of what conferences they’re attending).

    3. Not sure if this is relevant to you, but I have a very specific experience that might be useful to you. When I was an undergrad, I worked in an academic administration office. While a large number of the deans in the department were full-time professionals with their masters/PhD, the office also hired a smaller number of people enrolled in master’s programs (not necessarily in higher ed programs) to do very similar work. Is there an opportunity through your master’s program to get into the kind of work you want to do? If you really want to move, could you transfer to a program where you want to be that does offer this kind of work?

      Certainly, the pay may not be there right away, but in this kind of situation you could finish your program with a year or two of directly relevant experience and a built-in network.

      1. Yes, is there an internship/fellowship program you could look into to get into your desired region? Also, can you work your professors in your Master’s program network? Maybe one of them got a degree from a school in your desired area and can make in introduction for you there? After all, a personal reference from Dr. So-and-so who is an alum of the school and friends with other high mucky-mucks could make a difference.

    4. I’ve worked in higher ed in various capacities for the past 10 years in a higher-education oriented (obsessed?) New England city. My two cents:

      1. Definitely stop talking yourself out of applying to things. When you’re not sure of what path you’re on or it’s outside of one of areas that has a specific trajectory (i.e. admissions, IR, development, etc.) or what that path is, I think it’s really helpful to explore positions for which you’re both over- and under-qualified (with more focus on under-qualified, because of all the reasons), as I consider interviewing to be some of the best kind of networking. You can absolutely get a job at an Ivy or a Little Ivy or an IvyPlus having not come from one of those schools. If anything I find it more common to come from outside. It might matter a bit at entry-level, but I really think the higher up you go the less it matters, if you are not faculty.

      2. Do you mind if I ask what area you’re interested in? That might help with recommending conferences, groups, etc. I also think it’s helpful to identify 2-4 people whose jobs you want, and email and ask to set up informational interviews over the phone with them. Nothing to lose, and people in higher ed tend to want to be helpful. Ask them what positions they held before, what skills are most important, how people tend to get jobs and where jobs are posted, can they recommend one more person for you to speak to, etc. I did this when I was very very fuzzy about the path I wanted to pursue – or I knew the exact position I wanted to hold, but it didn’t have a clear pathway – and I found it really helpful. There are some listservs that I got on that were and continue to be enormously helpful that I wouldn’t have known about if not for those informational interviews.

  14. I’m an attorney traveling to India for work in February. Any advice on what is appropriate to wear to meetings with Indian clients? Pantsuits? Dresses? Also, what is appropriate during off-hours (dinner, traveling, etc.) with my American colleagues? Thanks for your help!

    1. For business, I suggest pantsuits and otherwise staying covered up as much as possible (e.g., scoop neck instead of v-neck shells). Depending on the city, dresses with pantyhose might be okay, but if you’re comfortable in pantsuits, I’d certainly recommend that higher. Heels would likely not be practical if you are walking to the office in any capacity (uneven sidewalks, dust, etc.). If you will have a car service, heels would work great.

      For off-hours – which city or state of India will you be in? Many urban and even semi-urban areas have a good mix of Western and Indian clothing, so you would not be out of place in pants and a half-sleeve, 3/4 sleeve, or long-sleeve tunic. I recommend breathable fabrics, namely cotton.

      With some Googling, I found this, and the comments are very helpful: http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g293860-i511-k6269619-Business_wear_for_women_in_Mumbai-India.html

    2. We are a forward thinking people :) still as with any business situation, a minimum of skin exposure is probably most professional. You can find beautiful salwar kameez if you would like to dress more locally. I recommend FabIndia. The consultants there will help you, but you can also have a blast putting together your favorite printed top (I’d choose silk over cotton for meetings or a nice dinner) and colored pants.

    3. I have been to India on business several times and have always felt much more comfortable in my off hours when I’ve gone out dressed in whatever the locals are wearing …usually salwar kameez. I picked up 2 at a store catering to Indian expats near me (outside of DC) and have purchased others over there. While I’ll take western outfits with me, I find most of the people I need to meet with are more comfortable when I’m dressed accordingly.

    4. Stick to knee length skirts and dresses. Ditch the hose. Pants are fine, as are sleeveless tops. Don’t show cleavage.

  15. Need help with encouragement/ideas for a job search. I am in academia. No higher ed degree but do have an advanced degree in a related area. I’m taking higher ed classes now.

    I have a great gig – good $, good boss – but I want a change. This is not the job I want to spend the next 10 years in, or even the next 3. I also want to be closer to home and family which is about 4 hours away.

    Problem 1 – I am discouraged. I’ve applied to dozens over the last 5 years but with few results. I get interviews when my experience is on point, but for those which my experience is not on-point, albeit relevant, I get zilch. How can I get the attention of these folks? I’m starting to take it personally. I feel like my resume demonstrates competence and transferrable skills and a fast learning curve but apparently, not enough.

    Problem 2 -Networking. the field I am aiming for does not have much in the way of professional associations or networking events. I also live 4+ hours from the area I am targeting. My network is supportive but are mostly outsiders to my desired field as well. How can I make connections from so far away with virtually no connections? I’ve reached out to people on LinkedIN who I know vaguely or from my past and they have been receptive but not ultimately helpful.

    Problem 3 – I can talk myself out of applying for almost anything, and default to just slogging it out at my current job. I can convince myself I’m not smart enough, not fancy enough, the payout would be too big, I could not afford to live near the job, it would be too stressful, etc. How do I overcome this negativity?

    I really want something new, but I think I am afraid of change at this point and discouraged. Any advice and encouragement is welcome. Snark and judgment is not welcome.

    Thanks!

  16. I would love advice on this but I understand is more complicated than I can express here.

    Today is my birthday. Yesterday, my husband and I woke up late and I had a busy stressful day ahead with phone conferences and meetings at 9 and 11. He wanted some morning nookie. I couldn’t! I ended up getting into the office with 10 minutes to spare and running flat out until I grabbed a bite to eat at 2. (No breakfast even, so definitely no time for fun! )

    Last night we read for a little bit and I fell asleep. It was obviously unintentional, as I was in a super awkward position that made both my arms fall asleep and when I woke up enough to roll over I managed to punch myself in the face because I couldn’t control both at the same time.

    This morning, he’s “wondering if we’re just out of sync” in our relationship.

    We have s*x at least 4x/week, we’ve been married just over a year, he’s 64, I really don’t think having a busy day and falling asleep means we’re out of sync!

    But now I’m brooding about it at work because I’m starting to resent him for making me feel guilty which really doesn’t make me want to do what he wants anyway. But when I told him that I felt he was trying to pressure me into it, he got completely upset that I would ever think that and says he can’t win because if he doesn’t ask/initiate we don’t have it, and if he does I feel pressured and don’t want it. This is not 100% accurate, I have initiated, but usually when I initiate he’s too tired. But I feel like I can’t ever turn him down or we’re in for sulking and “state of the marriage” talks that are just not worth it.

    He is very insecure about being attractive to me, and he had a very bad previous marriage with a domineering wife who at one point didn’t let him go there for almost 3 years, until he told her he was going to cheat. So I understand his pathology, but I’m afraid his problems are kind of linking with my problems to create a really sh*!!y puzzle.

    1. Um, are we 100% sure his ex is the only domineering person? Because sex 4 times a week is just enough. It is. And anytime he’s trying to manipulate or bully into more he is being a controlling asshole.

      I think you should go to counseling. It’s been a year and you’re really struggling to communicate. That’s what it’s for!

      Also, it’s your birthday! What do you love? Just you? Go do/buy/read/watch that. Get on StubHub and buy tickets for the theatre for tonight. Stop and get a fabulous bottle of champagne. Spend an hour looking at puppy pictures. Your marriage issues aren’t going to get solved today so let yourself have room for a little happiness.

      1. Thanks, you are right. I feel like he’s trying to manipulate/bully me. But it also will not be fixed today. We have an event tonight (his work, not birthday related), and tomorrow (birthday related) so we probably will not get a chance to talk for a while. I’ll spend that time trying to figure out what to say.

        I also just had a great work thing happen so I’m going to take myself out to lunch to celebrate.

    2. Obviously his comment is not due to this one incident. What is it that he wants? 4x a week is actually quite a bit. … he wants more? And he wants you to initiate more?

      I’m kind of serious… but is it possible that he is overdoing it a little on his testosterone supplement? I’ve known a few guys in his age group that do this and it can really cause havoc on relationships when your sex drive does not match his.

      I suspect a little counseling may be in order, especially if you are feeling resentful. And I was a little concerned when you started talking about his “pathology”(…ouch…). Sounds like there are some things that need talking through, especially considering his past experiences. Sometimes it is hard to be empathetic when you are resentful.

      1. I agree with all this. You say you’ve been married just over a year, this could also be a growing pain from your maturing relationship. I’m willing to bet that this comment of his wasn’t spurred by one occurrence yesterday.

        Regardless, you need to have a long discussion with your husband about this – without your feelings of resentment getting in the way of talking honestly.

        Finally, some advice from someone that’s been married 10 years so far: engaging in that act is very important to men and I think, to a healthy marriage. I have a rule with myself that if my husband is seriously initiating and there’s no compelling reason not to (running late to work, kids in the room, etc), then I’ll agree even if I’m not perfectly in the mood. 9 times out of 10, I get in the mood and for the few times that I don’t, it’s still worth it because it keeps my husband happy.

        1. There was a compelling reason not to. She didn’t have time and was sleeping. She is having sex 4 times a week. I’m not sure why you’re speaking for all men but most of them have hands if the need sex while their partners are unavailable.

          Suck it up and do it can absolutely be part of a healthy marriage. But it’s a shitty solution to being bullied into sex.

          1. Hmm, I guess it was a sweeping generalization to say that having sex is important to married men. Very controversial.

            Regardless, it sounds like there’s a need for counseling and honest conversations between the OP and her husband. There’s more issues there than resentment for who initiates it more often.

        2. I agree, I usually will just go for it if possible and 9/10 times I get just as into it. (Stinks when he wants to make that 10th time into a marathon session, but still worth it)

          You all are also right that this wasn’t just about one day though, it’s been a recurring theme and I do notice a difference right after he gets his low-T shot.

          I was/am just really irritated that he had to do this on my birthday and I sometimes feel that he doesn’t respect my work (asks me to get off early, says I’ve billed enough hours when he doesn’t actually know that, and regardless of hours I have to get the work done, etc) so I think that’s playing into it too.

          I’m going to focus on a really cool work thing that happened today and try to unpack some of this in my head before I talk to him.

          1. I am so glad you have a really cool work thing that happened. Ride that….

            I am going to suggest something…. Injectable T is not a great regimen for some men. It leads to those peaks and valleys in T levels. Many men are moving to topicals that provide a much more even level from day to day. I think this is worthy of discussion with him. I promise you that he probably does not realize that he is having these peaks and then is getting more grabby/demanding…. he may even LOVE this rapid peak in his sex drive. The person I knew that had these fluctuations with too high T levels not only became hyper-focused on sex, but also became more irritable, aggressive and rude (swearing inappropriately etc…). Not sexy, let me tell you…… Hopefully your husband doesn’t have this, but when men have only sex on their mind (and very high T can do this) it will color every interaction.

            Fortesta or Testim can provide much more stable T levels.

            And FYI… they are now starting to realize that testosterone supplementation is not without risks… especially as you get older and if you have other medical problems (eg. cardiac/strokes/walking problems). So there are good reasons to make sure his T levels are not getting too high.

            Happy Birthday my dear. I hope you are buying yourself something wonderful. I have started doing that on the holidays/birthdays for myself. In that way, I always have something to look forward to that I have been planning for and always happens…. as life has a funny way of always throwing wrenches into the holidays/birthdays.

    3. I’ve actually been in his position before – being the one who has felt ‘out of sync’ (and actually used that language) because my husband had turned me down a few times in a row. It’s just a surge of insecurity. What I needed to hear from my husband was (1) he wasn’t turning me down for any reason whatsoever due to lack of attraction; (2) he would put some effort into initiating the next time he was in the mood; (3) if one of us wasn’t feeling in the mood we would still put some effort into some other form of intimacy, even if it’s just cuddling; (4) ultimately, we need to have a safe place where either of us can feel comfortable initiating AND turning down s*x.

      What you should get from him is an apology for raising this issue on your birthday.

      I have had a version of this conversation a couple times now, and it gets better every time. My husband and I certainly had to work out these kinks for the first couple years of our relationship. It always needs to be done very gently, with lots of comments intended to soften anything that may come across as particularly judgmental (particularly related to attraction or arousal).

      1. Thank you, that’s really useful. I think there is a lot of insecurity on his part that he doesn’t always let me see, because I am younger than him, he had a bit of a fraught relationship with this act with his first wife (and I also agree with the commenter who said that might not have been 1-sided, I never met her, so her story might be entirely different, I can only go by what he says and how he felt), and he has some medical issues.

        But considering all that, I think it’s awesome that we’re at 4x/week, and I wonder how much more is really reasonable. But hopefully we can talk about it reasonably and soon and I can let him know that I am still attracted to him and do want to get busy. Just not yesterday.

    4. Is this another troll, like the one with the lunchroom incident and the jr associate? Because I’m having trouble taking this seriously (maybe tone in which it was written or my confusion about the comment about punching herself in the face-how is that relevant?) Or maybe I am cynical today.

        1. If you edit it to be blank you are given the option to delete the comment entirely.

        1. Well, sorry to be slightly offensive, but you both can bite me.

          Sorry I didn’t write the perfect, 100% relevant story, but there are things I don’t want to include because they’re too personal or too likely to identify me, not to mention it was long enough as is.

          These comments are hostile and unhelpful, unlike the other 8 or so comments, and I really have to wonder why you wasted your time. Isn’t that why we now have the collapse button? Move along!

      3. I don’t know, I thought the lunchroom anon was a troll right off the bat, but this one seems more genuinely written.

  17. Take this with a grain of salt since I’m substantially younger and my spouse and I have only been together 5 years but this really does sound like a marriage problem. You both need to give and take. Life isn’t always conducive to fun times, the guilt card should never be played, especially for unavoidable stuff like deadlines or illnesses. It’s clear that you understand this but you need to make sure your hubs does too

  18. Advice please, ladies (input from mothers and non-mothers welcome!) I’m pregnant with my 2nd child and a friend has offered to throw a sprinkle for me, which I understand to be a very small, casual shower with only family and closest friends invited. Our 1st child is 2.5 years old and we don’t know gender of this 2nd child yet, if either of those would make a difference. I’m torn, as I like the idea of celebrating the 2nd child and would love spending time with some of my most-loved people all in the same room, but I also don’t want people to feel like I am being gift-grabby. It’s my understanding that gifts at a sprinkle are usually very small, but still. Thoughts?

    1. I think sprinkles are pretty well established at this point and that no one will think you’re being gift-grabby. Obv that can vary by social circle.

      Don’t include registry information on the invite, as is typical with first baby showers, although IMO you can definitely make a registry (do it for the discount code to use yourself at least) and you/host can verbally pass on if a guest specifically asks. With my second, I also told people (when asked) that we’d appreciate take-out gift cards or diapers/wipes. Nearly everyone had kids at that point, so they completely understood that request.

      I personally prefer sprinkles to be scheduled for after baby is born so that I can meet the baby, but I don’t think you have to do it that way if you’d prefer not to do so. Around here, they are often family affairs so that the siblings can play with other kids, etc. I think that does help separate them from showers, too.

      1. This must be really regional because I’m in the PNW and I have literally never heard this term before.

    2. I would opt for just describing it as a party in your honor and having the hosts discourage gifts if asked. Some people will bring them anyway, but don’t do the whole “now we open gifts thing” as part of the event (maybe treat it more like a birthday party in that respect).

    3. Maybe just don’t? Like yeah it’s gift grabby. Why can’t she just invite people over to lunch or tea? If you’re they’re all 8 months pregnant people will get to squeal.

      And absolutely do not have any sort of registry!!! Rude greedy and tacky.

    4. How about suggesting a girls’ night out (like dinner and pedicures or even dinner with dessert) instead of a gift-focused event? My friends and I all have multiple kids now, and we love using the 2nd or 3rd pregnancy as an excuse for getting together with just the women and enjoying a nice dinner together. Someone organizes it (basically picks a date and sends out an evite) and everyone chips in for their own meal and everyone has fun. If you can find a restaurant with a private room, even better.

    5. When is it appropriate to have a second shower? A cousin had one for her second child coming after 4 years and I thought it was inappropriate but the rest of my family didn’t see a problem with it

      2. It seems to be totally regional, and even vary from one social circle to another. For instance http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/baby-showers-with-strangers/

        Basically, SOMEONE out there is going to think that anything beyond 1 shower for a first baby, hosted by someone who is not a relative, is tacky and/or inappropriate. The real question is how many someones, and whether you care.

    6. Just for the record, can I note that I find the term “sprinkle” to be pretty ridiculous? There’s something about “sprinkle” and “babymoon” and “push present”. They’re all just so . . . . I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a grinch.

      1. Maybe you just hate how major milestones in women’s lives keep getting reduced to materialistic occasions with cutesy juvenile names?

      2. It makes me think of those “If you sprinkle when you tinkle…” bathroom signs…

        1. Me too, lol, especially as the mom of 3 boys. I’ve been ‘sprinkled’ on more times than I care to remember.

      3. Don’t knock the push present, please. The jewelry I received in the hospital is a lovely reminder of the birth of my child, and I will cherish it forever. One day, I will give it to my daughter in law or grand daughter.

    7. We’re throwing a sprinkle for my SIL. She was not planning on having a 2nd anytime soon but here we are, so she had gotten rid of a lot of baby stuff. Plus this is a different gender from the first. We’re just doing it as a nice way to celebrate her and the baby. She did register since she had some things but not others, but all the gifts she registered for were under $40. No car seats or strollers or anything like that.

      I think if a friend has offered there is nothing wrong with it. There’s usually some invitation language of “baby sister ava has plenty to share, this is just a sprinkle to show that we care”. And then sometimes “small presents like diapers, bibs, and clothes are welcome”.

      Frankly I just love a reason to get together so I don’t see anything gift-grabby about it. I’m happy to buy someone a gift for their new baby.

    8. My MIL insisted on having a shower for our second baby. (Born 2.5 years after our first, we did not find out the gender ahead of time.) I insisted on it being more of a let’s get together and have lunch and requested no gifts. Of course everyone brought gifts anyway, but it was fun to get together and most of the gifts were very practical and appreciated (things like diapers, and gift cards that we put towards a double stroller.) My friend just had her second baby and her mom hosted a lunch at a little café and it was great to sit around with everyone and visit. She requested no gifts as well, but I couldn’t help getting a little something. (Which I would have done even if there had not been the party.) I’m sure this really depends on your circle of friends and family, but where I am (SW) it is well-received.

  19. Since no one else seems to have commented on it – I think the dress is really pretty and could be great deal at that price point, although I’d want to see if I liked the blue leopard pattern IRL. I’m generally a big fan of JNY (wearing at least 2 pieces today as a matter of fact).

    However, I’m on a complete shopping ban for anything not 100% necessary like cheap groceries until I find out whether my job will still be around in 30 days (or what form it will be in if I do still have one), so no shopping for me :-/

    1. Pretty dress.

      Can you comment on JNY fitted no iron cotton shirts? I’m looking for a good quality long sleeve shirt and looks like they have one in basic colors. I don’t see reviews on their s!te .

      1. I had one, loved it. Long enough to stay tucked in to jeans, crisp without ironing. One day, about six months in, the material on the sleeve ripped. Just ripped. Up the length of my arm. In the middle of the sleeve. Not at the seam. The weirdest thing I’ve ever had happen with a shirt.

    2. I can’t decide if I like it or not. I really like the wrap aspect and 3/4 length sleeves, the color is nice, and it seems to have good drape – but something about it seems dated to me, like something that my mom would have worn to the office in the 80s, because I can’t stop visualizing it with shoulder pads.

      1. Yeah, I’m having trouble deciding. It’s a great price and it’s in my bakery buti haven’t pulled the trigger. I’m not generally a huge fan of their stuff and couldn’t find anything else I wanted even with such a great sale, so now I’m hesitating.

        But I do love the color!

    3. This dress does have potential. BTW, if you sign up for their free loyalty program, shipping is free both ways and there’s an additional discount.

    4. I like it. It’s got sleeves, it’s in a silhouette I know works on me, and it’s $30. I’m ordering it and will let you all know how it goes.

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