Coffee Break: Floral-Accent Stone Drop Earrings

143 Comments

1. What are the typical pottery barn coupons? I want to buy new sheets for my 4 year old who is making the switch from toddler bed to twin. Current promotion is 20% + free shipping. Do I wait for 30% + free shipping? Not sure I want to wait till black friday week, but maybe that makes sense? Opinions, anyone? If anyone has advice on similar quality sheets with fun cutesy patterns, I’d love to hear that too.

   1. Target has all kinds of colors and patterns and they’re affordable and easy to replace.

      1. +1. Or the Company Store (have a 30 or 25% off coupon thru the end of today).

   2. Garnet Hill has some and if you sign up for email often will have 30% off promotions. But agree that Target is probably just fine.

   3. I will say I think Pottery Barn Kids sheets are worth the extra cost as compared to Target and similar cheaper options in terms of longevity and fit. We have one set going on it’s 5th year that is still going strong despite being washed every other week (alternated with another set of sheets) and put through lots of little kid trauma (nighttime accidents and a few terrible stomach bugs). The sheets still fit well and colors look great. None of the cheaper sheet sets I have purchased to rotate in have held up nearly as well. I have gotten them with a 30 percent off coupon and once around the Black Friday timeframe 40 percent off (but that was a few years ago now).

2. Because I’m old — is Tinder still considered a hook up app esp in the 20-22 year old age group, or are there college kids getting into relationships via Tinder?

   1. I know a few recent grads who met their SOs (in colege) on Tinder. I think they consider it a hookup app, but they occasionally find a real relationship.

      1. I think this is the most accurate. I’d call it a general dating app at this point with hookups acceptable but people are open to relationships from it (whereas in its beginning it was almost a hook-up only site). I’ve known several people who got married from a Tinder match.

         Not from personal experience but from my younger cousins in that age range, yes, college students use it to meet each other and similar aged people in their community. This is especially true in college towns with huge schools (think Ohio State, University of Texas) where there are thousands of potential dates you’d never otherwise run across.

      2. Oops, I really do know how to spell college, right?

   2. Why? You knocking boots with a 21 year old?

      1. Ha! I actually really hope that’s the case here. Get it, OP!

         1. +1!!

   3. I know adults (30s) who have gotten into relationships from tinder, but in my experience, the 30-40s people are looking for something very casual on there.

      1. I looked at Tinder, but found that the men who contacted me were interested ONLY in $ex, not in relationships like I wanted. Somehow, these jerks thought that I would automatically pull my panties down for these guys even tho my profile said NO causal 1 nite stand’s. Men just want immediate gratification, but that is not for me. Who knows where those men were b/f asking me for $ex? I did NOT want to find out, and this is word’s for the wise! YAY!!

   4. I know college students who use it to find relationships. I think everyone on Tinder is aware that plenty of people there are just using it to hook up, but there are definitely lots of people – including people in the younger age groups – looking for relationships.

3. Is Nashville pretty at Christmas (meaning Broadway, the touristy areas) or is it pretty much normal with a few decorations? Looking for a quick mid Dec getaway before the holidays and IDK if it’s worth considering – love smaller walking cities with great holiday decor that aren’t freezing (cold is fine – but warmer than a Chicago or Boston).

   1. Go to New Orleans!

      1. There is beautiful holiday decor downtown and lights at Audubon Park and greenery on the streetcards. It’s pretty!

         1. Oh lord, I cannot spell today. Streetcars!

   2. I haven’t been at Christmas but I think Nashville is actually a lot less walkable than Chicago or Boston. It’s pretty suburban. Even excluding the Opry, which is way out in suburbia, the popular tourist attractions and restaurants are pretty spread out and there’s minimal public transit. I like it, just not something I would describe as a walking city.

   3. I mean, not really. There are Christmas lights on the buildings, etc., but it’s not “known” for its decorations. I live here and I can honestly say that all the Christmas decorations do is marginally cut against how dreary it is that time of year (gray, wet, cold but not cold enough to snow, and it gets dark at 4:30). I would vote hard pass. Come back in the spring.

   4. I live in Nashville, and I don’t think it is what you want for this unless you have kids. The Gaylord Opryland Resort has a big thing at Christmas– I know families that will do staycations there to see the lights and ice sculptures etc., and if that’s what you’re looking for, then I could see that being worth it. Other than that, Nashville generally has the same things other cities do at Christmas– lights at the botanical garden, etc.; historic homes decorated, etc.; Christmas festivals, etc. There is not going to be a big decked out area for Christmas, and like the poster above said, while there are walkable areas/neighborhoods in Nashville, the city itself is not really walkable.

      Also– something I don’t think people get about the weather here- -just because it is warmer in the winter doesn’t mean it’s nicer or easier to be outside. It will get dark around 4:30 pm at that time of year. We also don’t generally get snow, but a steady, drenching rain for days on end is pretty much Nashville winter weather.

4. Are those not pineapples?

   1. They 100% look like pineapples.

   2. I totally thought so at first glance but now I’m not so sure. The colors are kind of backwards for a pineapple, right?

5. TW – eating/body image issues.

   My husband has some body dismorphia. He’s in excellent shape but always thinks he can lose weight/gain muscle. He must get in his daily workouts. He’s very sensitive about what he eats and people’s perceptions of it. Overall, I think he is still healthy so I’m not really getting involved. However, I had an interaction with him the other night that reminded me of a college roommate I had with an eating disorder. I don’t know how to understand his reaction. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for here. Maybe just things to look out for when I should start getting worried and things that I should avoid doing/saying maybe?

   So, husband was playing video games in the basement and I was watching TV on the main floor. I heard him come up and I assumed we were going to bed. He went and grabbed a protein bar out of the pantry. I responded “oh, you’re eating now?” It wasn’t meant to be a commentary on his diet choices, I meant, oh, I thought we were going to bed since it was after 11 pm.

   He got very offended/ashamed and said “not now I’m not” and put the bar back. I explained that I don’t care at all what or when he eats. I was just trying to figure out if he wanted to go to bed yet or not. He refused to go back and eat it. It wasn’t that he didn’t realize how late it was. It was that he couldn’t eat it after I had commented. The next morning he was going to make himself breakfast and asked me sarcastically if he had permission to eat but it was clear to me he wasn’t being a jerk, he was really still hurt from the night before. I again apologized for my comment the day before and he said something about struggling when someone comments on his eating. I still think he sees it as me suggesting he shouldn’t eat because of calories when all I wanted to know was if he was staying up or not.

   This seems like such an unusual and unhealthy response to food that I’ve only seen from others that have/had eating disorders.

   1. I zero percent have an eating disorder but I likely wouldn’t eat anything immediately after receiving a comment like the one you made. I’ll take you at your word that you weren’t intending to be judgy, but it’s certainly a comment that could be judgy. And even if it’s clearly not meant to be a criticism, perhaps you pointing out how late it was made him realize what time it was and he didn’t want to eat that late in the day. Still being hurt about it the next morning does seem pretty dramatic, but I’d chalk this up to being oversensitive more than having an eating disorder, probably.

      1. Eh YMMV but I’d 100% eat whatever I was planning to eat if anyone — and most especially my partner — said, oh you’re eating now? Frankly I wouldn’t care if it was a candy bar, I wouldn’t be shamed into putting it down. I can’t think of who could “shame” me — a grown adult — into not eating? Maybe like a client if I was worried we weren’t getting along and it was a judgy/fashionable woman? And even then — those people tend not to hire me so whatever.

   2. I do not have, and have not ever had, an eating disorder, but I HATE – hate like you would not believe – when people comment on my body or food consumption. The reason is that I had parents and ex-boyfriends who would negatively comment on my food choices and my body, in really derogatory and hurtful ways. (My sister wound up bulimic because of it, and still doesn’t really have a healthy relationship with food.)

      It’s apparently not normal to freak out if your boyfriend or husband makes you dinner and loads up your plate with food, but when you literally had to eat for breakfast the next morning anything you didn’t finish at dinner, it feels like being punished.

      Apparently, it’s not normal to tell your athletic teenage daughter how big her (size 2, I kid you not) butt is, or to shame someone who runs 30 miles a week for eating a second pastry. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, blonde enough, or paid enough attention to my looks and catching a boy. Not surprisingly, I dated a lot of men who felt free to comment negatively on how I wasn’t quite attractive, fashionable, stylish, or skinny enough for them.

      It’s taken a lot of work on my own gut reactions, and a lot of explaining to my husband, why I react certain ways to ‘food issues.’

      Where this is going: don’t accuse your husband of having an eating disorder; talk to him about how he developed a relationship with food, what his family of origin did, how people have treated him, his eating, and his body in the past.

      1. +1. My family was similar and it took a long time to develop a healthy relationship with food and I’ve accepted I will never be a size 2. Talk to him about his insecurities, his relationship with food, and watch out for the comments.

      2. Yep, I was an overweight kid raised by a single dad who thought tough love was the way to go on food issues (particularly in my pre-teen years — yikes). Questions/comments/judgments on food consumption send me from 0 to 60 in no time at all. I recall once my in-laws decided to go on a diet and then talked about it throughout an entire meal at a restaurant (what they were eating, why they weren’t eating things my husband and I were eating, how many calories they’d had that day, etc.). Could not get out of there fast enough.

   3. People can be sensitive about and have weird relationships with food without having an eating disorder. If someone makes an unintentionally judgy sounding comment about said sensitivity, it might hurt their feelings. That still doesn’t mean they have an eating disorder.

      I would take him at his word and accept that the comment upset him because he’s sensitive about food. I don’t think you did anything malicious by asking the question, but lots of people are sensitive about lots of things (especially if it’s related to bullying or bad experiences, doubly so if said bullying came from their parents) and it is kind to be aware of that. If he starts showing serious signs of an eating disorder, like self-harm, extended fasting, vomiting, discolored fingernails, etc., I would encourage him to talk to a doctor, but otherwise I would just assume that his “dysmorphia” is relatively normal sensitivity/baggage and not a full blown mental health crisis.

      Since you’re not his dietitian or therapist and he doesn’t seem to want you to be involved in his eating/exercise habits, I don’t think you should try to do anything to fix him.

   4. I’m confused. First, why would him coming up from the basement make you think you were both going to bed? And then his eating a bar make you think, “oh, we aren’t going to bed” Dont you just each go to bed when you feel like it? Or, do you go as a unit every night?

      It doesn’t sound like an eating disorder to me. Not eating a protein bar at 11pm at night is a reasonable decision. He was probably debating with himself whether to eat it or not and then used your comment as an excuse to not eat the bar and be a whiny b*tch to you as a way or redirecting the irritation that comes with denying one’s self food. 14 year old me quite often did this to my mom.

      I do see how your comment could sound judgey, but he is overreacting and you are enabling him by continuing to apologize as if it’s some big deal.

      It sounds like you guys may have boundary issues and he likely has an unhealthy relationship with food.

      1. Fair question on why I was waiting for him to go to bed. 9 times out of 10 he goes to bed before me so I do not have practice falling asleep when someone will be coming into the room. I usually can’t sleep because I half listen for him and my dogs the whole time. So, I usually just watch tv or play on my phone or do work or whatever else until he is going to bed too because it’s usually only a difference of a half hour or so.

         And sorry, eating disorder is a huge leap. He has talked about his body dysmorphia before though. He’s very tall and muscular and struggles at the doctor when the print out says his BMI is obese when his waist is thinner than mine. His doctor explains that BMI doesn’t work right on people of his body composition but it still messes with his head. His family brought him up w/ a good relationship with food but he was also a competitive swimmer in high school and college and was exposed to a lot of unhealthy ideas there. He also does a lot of different diets and I’ve supported him doing them.

   5. If you meant “when are we going to bed” you would have said that.

      1. +1.

      2. Not necessarily. Sometimes things come out weird (especially if someone is tired or stressed). I believe OP, and I also believe that the comment hurt her husband.

         1. Exactly. Sometimes you know what’s in your head but there’s a disconnect and it doesn’t come out the right way when you say it.

   6. I have some body issues that seem laughable because I grew up skinny and am still thin compared to the average woman. I can distinctly remember comments people have made about my eating, because I can eat a lot more than they expect from someone of my size. One of my good friends made a comment a few thanksgivings ago that “I snack more than anyone else she knows” as I was picking at chips and appetizers and I immediately stopped eating because I felt self conscious, even though I know she’s my friend and was just kidding.
      I think him being upset the next day is a lot, but for the most part I’d refrain from making any comments about his food choices, and just help him focus on other health wins – which is what my husband does. Cheers me on when I PR a lift or mile time. If your husband brings up his body dismorphia on his own, maybe you could ask how you can be supportive.

   7. I until your question and your reasoning and hopefully you explained to your husband that it was related to going to bed and not about his choices.

      Depending on the tone of voice, I could understand being mildly annoyed by that comment especially if I didn’t understand the context. However I think your husband’s reaction was over the top. He seems to have some issues with food. I don’t have an eating disorder so this is just my perspective and I’ve never dealt with anyone commenting on my food choices. Maybe he has unresolved issues from growing up related to food.

      I guess in the future, you know this is a sensitive topic for him.

      1. I meant, I understand your question.

   8. I don’t have an eating disorder, but we didn’t have enough to eat when I was growing up. Now, if anyone comments on how much I am eating, or something I am eating, I can’t eat and am upset way out of proportion to what happened. Once, my husband commented on how much soup I put in my small soup cup at the soup bar, and I wanted to cry, chuck it at him, stomp away, and not eat it. My diet is fine, I eat well, and I am healthy but if someone comments on my eating, it really bothers me. So, why don’t you ask him? He might not tell you, he might be embarrassed, but maybe he will.

      Also – I get stabby when someone tries to eat off my plate while I’m still eating. Really, why do people do this?

      1. Your comment makes perfect sense to me, actually. My wife and I will make comments to check in with each other about when the other is going to bed. Seems normal enough to me that you would have asked what you did, and it doesn’t seem judge-y to me. I can understand why it felt off to your husband, but after your explanation both that evening and in the morning it’s my opinion that yeh, there’s maybe a disordered relationship with food going on if he holds onto this or if it was difficult for him to shake the shame of being asked whether he was eating.

6. Has anyone use Clinique’s redness solutions cream for rosacea or other related acne? I see great reviews online but figured it was worth asking here if people have tried it/like it.

   1. I used to use it for redness in winter, not really rosacea, but I switched to Dr. Jart tiger grass which I like better. For my issues, I was looking more for the moisturizing/color correcting aspect than any specific rosacea treatment (because mine is more related to dry-dehydrated skin) so your mileage may vary. I’d try going into a Sephora/ counter and asking for a sample though.

      1. Dr. Jart tiger grass is awesome. If you’re already heading into Sephora for samples, I’d grab a sample of this too.

   2. I have not tried that particular product, but I can confirm that the Dr Jart Cicapair Tigergrass line is magic for redness and flushing. I have mild rosacea and general vein prominence around the nose, and the serum and the drops are both very effective for me. I am pale, of English descent, and have sallow skin tone.

   3. Yes, have used it, fairly good for maintenance, i.e, if not having a flare. More effective for me is Avene’s Antirougeurs FORT Soothing Concentrate, and endorsed by my derm. Pricey, but the tube lasts me 6 months – a little goes a long way.

   4. I use quite a few Clinique products, but I didn’t find the redness solutions line particularly effective for me. Or rather, it did take care of some redness, but the products were too creamy/thick/emollient for my combo skin.

   5. I’ve used it and it didn’t really do much for me. I’ve also tried the Dr Jart product mentioned here and didn’t like it, but La Roche Posay rosaliac serum has worked really well for me. I also use The Ordinary azelaic acid for rosacea-related bumps on my nose.

   6. I use their redness solution foundation. It kills the red for sure. Then I put a little bronzer over it to warm it up.

7. For those with older children – we’re running into a problem with my 13 yo son and I could use some perspectives.
   DS is very smart and capable of doing just about any work you put in front of him. He is shy and experiences social anxiety (we’ve seen it when he’s confronted with talking to people he doesn’t know or social situations). We got an email and call from one of his teachers today that he is refusing, point blank, to work with a team of other students on a group project. We’ve heard this before – that he pushes back on doing group projects because “it’s easier/faster to do it by myself” – but this is the first time I’ve heard about outright refusal. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office and he was apparently mostly uncommunicative but it basically came down to, the last time I was on a group project I ended up doing all the work anyway, so I don’t want to do this assignment with a group. I will do it by myself, but not with a group. The teacher says if he doesn’t participate with his group he will fail the assignment, which I think is totally fair. Minimum, when we get home tonight he’s grounded for being disrespectful and disruptive in class (my mom and MIL were teachers so DH and I have a very dim view of discipline problems at school); we also have to deal with the root issue and I’m struggling with what to say.
   To me, choosing not to work on things in groups is not an option, in school or in life. I get that group projects are rarely fun and rewarding (Lord knows I’ve done my share, through school, college and graduate school) but DS doesn’t seem to get he doesn’t have a choice. He doesn’t get to decide, in 8th grade “Welp, that’s it! No more group projects for me!” and the rest of the world has to just deal with it. I get some of this is independence assertion and I want to respect his independence but failing school because you can’t figure out how to do a group project is a no-go, IMO. Advice appreciated.

   1. IDK but I had a 4YO refuse to participate in a violin camp that she had wanted to sign up for and for which I had rented her a violin. Sympathies.

      A 13YO is of the age of reason (allegedly?). Maybe it is time to watch any movie with a team ethos (I like BlackHawk Down if it wouldn’t be too violent for him, but it could be a sports team or anything really). I get that he hates that others are the weak link in a team. And that he does all the work. I hate that, too. The 4YO is now an 11YO and hates team activities when she does all the work. What I tell her might work on your son: when you don’t participate in a team activity b/c it is a team activity, YOU have become the weakest person on the team. You have the choice to be a good team leader or a good team follower or a quitter. Who do you want to be? What do you want people to remember, including your teacher?

   2. I think you’re coming down very hard on him instead of listening to his concern (last time he had to do all the work himself anyway) and advocating for him to his teacher/principal. He does not need to be punished or shamed about this. It sounds like he needs more support with social anxiety and for someone to help him figured out group work. One kid doing it all is a real issue and the teacher should be helping him figure that out, at this point maybe by sitting down with you and him.

      1. I disagree — there is a difference between being supportive and worming your way out of stuff just b/c you don’t like it. Figuring out how to work in a world that isn’t to your liking is a tremendously important life skill.

         Can you sell it as anthropology: “Can you act like a good team player on a group project? You are among their kind for the moment. Can you fool them?”

         1. I don’t think he should get to not do the assignment. I think he’s a kid struggling with anxiety and instead of punishing him into compliance, he should be offered support to learn this important skill.

      2. +1

         Being grounded (minimum!) seems harsh and doesn’t address the underlying problem, which is certainly not all his fault.

      3. He won’t be punished or shamed about anything. He will experience consequences for yelling “I’m not doing it, screw you” at the teacher in front of the other students and then stomping out of the classroom without permission. Not acceptable in any way, shape or form and that will be made clear to him using the tools we have at our disposal. I understand that this is a rough time of life and that he must be having a REALLY rough day (given that we’ve never had this happen before) but holding it together when you feel like you want to lose it is also a critical life skill and we do feel that needs to be reinforced. As I said, DH and I are teacher’s kids and have low tolerance for kids who hurl abuse at teachers; we saw our mothers come home in tears after bad interactions with their students our entire childhoods.

         I am really, really interested in how people think we should “address the root issue” of other kids not contributing to the group work as I don’t have control over what the other kids do or how they work. Teacher is aware that the work share is not always equitable because A. DS brought it up to her last time and B. I think that is a basic condition of life and teamwork? I have never worked in a group or team project where everyone pulled their weight equally; if y’all have, you are lucky. I think this is more about learning to adapt to suboptimal conditions and making them work for you, vs. how to change the conditions from suboptimal to optimal, which doesn’t seem likely or even possible.

         1. “I am really, really interested in how people think we should “address the root issue” of other kids not contributing to the group work as I don’t have control over what the other kids do or how they work.”

            That’s seriously disingenuous. You aren’t being asked to control other students’ work (and you know this); you are being asked to teach your child to understand that it is unfair, to put limits on what he is and is not willing to do, and to develop a toolkit for handling foreseeable problems. This is everything from deciding in advance whether he’s okay with getting a bad grade, articulating on the first day of group work what he is and is not willing to do, finding socially acceptable ways to prod his fellow students into doing their tasks, raising issues with the teacher, and pushing back in an appropriate manner if they try to offload work onto him.

         2. Mine both experience this, as do I. The workaround all of us have adapted is google docs shared with notes indicating our contributions. …Plus ad nauseam explanations to the kids that group work is (to us) torture, yet a necessary evil on occasion.
            I’ve also had to take them each to task for being disrespectful to the teachers when assignments like that are mandatory. Think formal public apology~ they were not happy with me at all~ parenting has some unglamorous moments the baby books neglect to state! Good wishes to you.

            1. Thank you so much. Yes, we are going to do an apology letter to the teacher and I am planning to go in with him to school tomorrow morning (the horror) to make sure it gets delivered.

         3. As the mom of 3 teenage boys who sound very much like your son, this is what we have done:
            1 Stressed that group work is a life skill and is rarely fair
            2 Explained that it’s possible other kids ARE pulling their weight to the best of their ability (ie we tend to over estimate our contribution and under estimate other’s contributions. Also maybe other kids dont have the same capacity as he does)
            3 Help with strategies that will divide the work fairly. This will be hard for your son considering his social anxiety, but if they can divide the work as a group so everyone agrees on each other’s tasks (maybe the teacher can help?), then he just has to do his part. This may result in a lower mark, though, if the other kids really arent pulling their weight.

            With my kids, this type of behaviour could also arise from having someone in their group they really dont like. That would require additional strategies.

         4. Excuse me this is really off base. Your original post said nothing of screaming at a teacher or using inappropriate language and give me a break with this grounding isn’t punishment nonsense.

            You don’t have to control how the other kids work but you should talk to the teacher about it it, collaboratively, instead of throwing up your hands and punishing your child who struggles with social anxiety.

            The teacher could assign each child a specific area of responsibility, could sit down with each group and ask who will be doing what, could work with your son on a script for saying “I’ve done my part, I won’t be doing yours.”

            Obviously yes he can’t be yelling at a teacher (convenient hoW that’s just coming up now) but he is a child who is struggling and needs help and you don’t seem interested in making sure he gets it.

            1. “Obviously yes he can’t be yelling at a teacher (convenient hoW that’s just coming up now) but he is a child who is struggling and needs help and you don’t seem interested in making sure he gets it.”

               Thanks for being the aggressively hostile poster who always brings hysteria and wild accusations into the conversation. There’s absolutely nothing in the OP’s post that indicates she doesn’t care about, or doesn’t want to help, her son and you should be ashamed for saying that. Did you and the anon at 4:59 join this discussion because you really wanted to offer advice or just to see if you could trigger some kind of flame war? Get a grip on yourself. Find something more productive to do with your life.

            2. I offered advice (don’t punish, support him, work with the teacher) and she responded super defensively. I don’t understand the tone policing- I wasn’t unkind here at all.

            3. Yes, you were unkind, and you know that you were.
               And what you and your fellow antisocials call “tone policing” is what the rest of us call “expecting people to respond appropriately, with understanding that there is another human involved in the conversation.” If you don’t want to be “tone policed” you can go hang out on Reddit or 4chan. I guarantee you won’t have the same problems over there.

            4. Lol

            5. annon, I’m the Anon at 4:59, and I obviously provided constructive advice. You’re the one being inflammatory.

   3. Can’t you say what you said in your last paragraph? I definitely remember a conversation with my parents in middle school where they told me that, yes, they know group projects s*ck but you have to do them because sometimes in life you have to do silly things you don’t want to do.
      I think your kid is more likely to be receptive if you’re honest that this is stupid but he has to do it anyway vs if you try to convince him it’s great.

      1. +1 You acknowledge it will likely suck, but if it’s not the same people, you have to give it a chance to go differently. He needs to learn what went wrong last time, so he can adjust for this time. Because the solution can’t always be “do it all myself”.

         It’s a skill to learn to delegate or split up work, so that’s one of the things he needs to learn to do. You might talk to him about what went wrong last time – did the other kids not do the work, or did they just not do it to your kid’s standard and he felt like he had to re-do it, when he maybe didn’t? Was it a scheduling issue? did the group not have enough time to meet? Basically – help kid troubleshoot the group work.

         1. +2

            If it would suit him, frame this as an opportunity for him to learn how to be a leader. It’s a skill, that’s for sure.

         2. This is good perspective, thank you. Last time apparently in the group of five kids, two of the kids goofed off and did nothing, one kid was somewhat involved, and the fourth kid tried really hard but my son didn’t agree with what the kid produced (fundamental difference of opinion about the conclusion of the experiment) and so there was a conflict. He is kind of a perfectionist (which we’ve discussed many times) and holds other people to incredibly high standards that aren’t fair (also has been discussed). We’ve discussed the idea of taking a leadership role on the project so he can feel like he has more control over what’s happening but I don’t know whether that is good or bad, because if he’s going to judge everyone else’s contributions as subpar and then redo the work so it meets his standard – maybe he shouldn’t be the leader. Honestly. Anyone who’s ever worked with or for someone like that knows what I’m talking about.

            It was really hard for me to learn the lesson that just because I can see how things could be done better, that doesn’t mean I have the right to insist that people redo work that is acceptable and has been accepted by others as okay. Part of why this is hard for me is I see my son making the same mistakes I did in life and I so wished he would not have to learn the exact same lessons in the exact same painful ways I learned mine.

   4. I think you are correct to punish any disrespectful behavior, but I would not outright force him to do the group project. I would instead punish the consequences of that choice–i.e. if he fails the assignment/class he has a punishment at home for that. You know what motivates your child. Mine would do just about anything to not have his limited computer game time taken away. This way he understands that while we have choices, we do not get to escape the consequences of those choices. And if he feels like doing the group project is his choice (even just to avoid a more painful consequence) he will feel some ownership over it.

      1. if he is used to excelling, the failing grade will also be a punishment in itself. It worked for me to get my act together and study for tests.

         I think he needs to lay out his motivation here and go a bit deeper into the past experiences for you to better understand. To be fair, all my group projects were always thrown at students and no guidance was given as to how to divide work and stay accountable. We were supposed to magically know how to do teamwork. If his teachers were similarly hands-off, that is difficult to navigate if he is socially awkward to begin with. I would point out that (hopefully), the other students are a different set than the ones who left him to do all the work last time, so this is a new shot at figuring it out. And then offer some tools to navigate the teamwork, so he can be more optimistic about the process going different this time around.
         You have not mentioned this at all, but I can’t help but be reminded of a young man I know, who is very smart and nerdy, and for a long time didn’t see any need to play nice with others. He thought having great hard skills would trump any social capital. If your son doesn’t see the need to work on social skills (which again, you didn’t comment on), then that’s a separate issue.
         TV shows or movies focusing on fast-paced workplace things might be appealing. The West Wing, anything set in a newsroom, or Doctor Who is also team-based problem solving.

   5. Tell him that part of the learning here is the learning to work in a group. Part of that learning is learning to set boundaries about what he will and won’t do so that he doesn’t end up doing all the work. Ask that the teacher work with his group and him to determine how tasks can fairly be divided between the participants. The teacher should be giving guidance/examples on how the work can be divided up.

      1. I agree that the teacher should be teaching how to do group work.

         I hated group work as a student because the objective of developing team work skills was never communicated, assessed, or taught, and the only way for the final product to meet the standards of an academically capable student was to redo everyone else’s work whether they had contributed or not. No one ever conveyed that the final product wasn’t the goal of the assignment (and, in fact, group work was graded like any other project, so there were repercussions to not redoing everyone’s work). I honestly thought at the time that the teachers were trying to inflate grades (by assigning one A student to every group) and cut back on grading time (fewer final projects to grade!) at my personal expense.

   6. So I generally give kids/people the benefit of the doubt that they want to perform well and that showing grace (within reason) leads to better results. Instead of jumping straight to punishment, perhaps some conversation with him about whether something else is at play here. Would he benefit from some skills trading or counseling for social anxiety? Is there something else going on with the class dynamic? Is there some truth to his claims that he ends up doing all the work? How can he address that going forward? If he’s already anxious about working with other kids and he’s anxious that the work they do won’t be good enough and he will get a bad grade and then maybe get further flack at home, this could explain why he’s pushing back. He’s 13. The focus here is learning how to work in a group, not necessarily the grade on the project.

   7. I don’t have kids, but I used to teach middle school.

      If he’s disciplined and motivated to succeed at school (enough to prefer doing all the work on a group project solo), can you try reframing group projects as ways to learn new skills? Obviously he’s talented and smart enough to do the content work by himself and still meet the deadline, so just letting him do that isn’t going to teach him very much. On the other hand, working with a group is a different kind of challenge that requires different skills. If he approaches mandatory group projects as a test of his group work skills instead of as a test of his content knowledge, maybe that will help him to see value in the assignment. It may also help to assuage any perfectionism or anxiety over the possibility of other students lowering his grades (because his personal focus is learning to work with a group, not getting 100% on the content). If grade anxiety is an issue, you can also encourage him to approach the teacher and ask how he will be graded, what he should do if others aren’t pulling their weight, etc.

      It’s also worth talking about the fact that in the future, some of his teachers will allow students the choice between individual, partner, or group work and that he’s free to go solo when he has that choice. However, not all group projects are optional (in school or life), so the ones that are mandatory are a good time to practice group work skills to make next time easier and better.

   8. I would say things like “it is not up to you” “you don’t make the rules” “welcome to the real world” and “you are being dramatic and it is annoying and unproductive”

      I would also explain that he is far worse off refusing to do the project with a group and getting an F than doing the project with a group and getting an A, next if others (supposedly) reap the benefits of his participation.

      1. I realize that Anonymous at 3:54 probably means well, but please do not say any of these things to a 13-year old boy. They are the opposite of productive and will totally shut down any communication.

         I have an (older) teenager and suggest (1) acknowledging that he has a point and that it sucks big time; (2) telling him that doing his share of the project (and no more) and getting a less than stellar grade when the others do not do their part also sucks but is better than getting an F; and (3) “this is a chance to learn to handle group projects so that you do not end up doing all of the work.” (And provide him with some practical suggestions.)

         I would also suggest dialing it down a notch. From what you reported, he was not rude or disrespectful to the teacher (other than to the extent that he told him/her he would not do something; which is frankly better in my mind than pretending he is going to do it and then just – not.)

         My kid once refused point blank to write an essay on a particular subject because she thought it was rude and intrusive and none of the teacher’s business. She wrote her name, the date, and why she was not doing the assignment on the paper and turned it in. She got and F and got the punishment we had for not turning in an assignment (grounded for the weekend with no internet or TV). And that was the end of it. Except for my telling her that next time she should lie about her “most traumatic or disappointing life experience and how that made her feel”. She is not in college and thinks I handled that pretty well.

         Good luck. This is a hard age and navigating how much autonomy to give is harder still.

         1. You sound like a great parent.

            Good on your daughter, by the way – that’s not an appropriate assignment.

         2. Are you kidding me with that assignment title? Your daughter has b@11s and I love the way she handled it! And bore the consequence too.

      2. Wow, saying any of those things is the exact wrong thing to do in this situation.

      3. Yikes. While true, that’s a surefire way of breaking down all communication between you and your kid, particularly one who is smart and sensitive.

         1. He screamed a disgusting comment at his teacher. That is not the behavior that should be coddled, Joe is it the behavior of a “sensitive”’child. It is entitled, abusive behavior.

            1. I’m not the anon you’re responding to, but none of that was in the OP. OP provided a lot more details in follow-up comments but many of these comments predated them or at least were made before her comments appeared, due to m0d.

      4. My experience of “the real world” is that I often have opportunities to set boundaries and say “no.” And as an adult, I’m never asked to do group work with people who would be 100% happy to just flunk, so it’s much less challenging than group work was in school.

         1. Yes this. I loathed group work in school. I’m great as it as an adult because other people do generally contribute and they aren’t cruel to me like lots of kids were in school.

         2. Do you set those boundaries by screaming “scr&w you” at your boss, refusing to do the project and storming out of the office?

            1. Nope. But I hadn’t read that comment when I posted.

      5. Thanks but no thanks. My goal in posting here was to try to deal with this issue in a way that makes our expectations clear but also respects his fundamental humanity.

         1. You really buried the lead here. He verbally assaulted his teacher with a profane, disrespectful comment. You need to set limits and get him the psychological help he needs. It isn’t okay for him to yell “screw you” at a teacher and making believe with him like this was somehow justified or there is some set of facts that makes it okay, is not helping him. Sometimes kids need to hear that they are wrong. This is not about “respecting his humanity” it’s about teaching him he can’t disrespect everyone else in the class, including the teacher, because he doesn’t like the rules. Honestly, he sounds like he needs professional help for impulse control and anger.

      6. +1000

   9. Is there any chance that him shutting down the possibility of working with a group is a function of his anxiety? When I have struggled with anxiety, it is far easier to shut down completely than try and engage in any strategies to successfully negotiate the situation. It is far easier to say, “I’m not doing this.” Rather than, “I have no idea how to navigate a group situation with my peers without just doing all the work. I don’t know what to say or how to work with a small group, and so I just do it all my self.” Can you ask him what happened right before he declared that he will never do group work, and then perhaps help him come up with strategies that can work for him on how to engage in group work without it being all or nothing?

   10. As a shy, socially awkward kid who often felt like a doormat in these situations, I would have absolutely loved for my parents to give me a toolkit for establishing boundaries, setting expectations, and dealing with these situations.

       My suggestion would be to tell him that this is stupid, that it’s pointless, that life often isn’t fair. Then I would frame it this way: at this point, he’s looking at failing this assignment, and on some level, he’s okay with that. Therefore, if the entire group gets a C+ because they all dump their work on him and he doesn’t do their work, what does it matter to him? That’s better than failing. His job is to do the group assignment, get everything settled up front in terms of who will do what, and then do his own part, superlatively. You will – and you WILL – back him up, to the hilt, if his fellow group members try to dump their work on him.

       Because part of the lesson in group assignments is that he’s also teaching people how to treat him.

       He obviously needs a toolkit and a plan for these situations. I would also suggest asking your smart, nerdy male colleagues, because boys – who lag behind girls in verbal dexterity and social situations, often – will struggle with this in ways that might be hard for you to grok.

   11. I don’t have a big kid but this was definitely me at that age. I was full of brains and attitude. Honestly, I’d shut down the disrespect but I wouldn’t force him to do it. Let him fail, and face the consequences. I suspect he’ll do it once and then realise that failing causes him more hassle than doing the group work.

   12. This is very classic smart kid behavior. You have to reframe the challenge. He sees the final result of the project as the work that needs to be done. You need to present this as a management challenge. What stuff is he into? Let’s say it’s video games. Hey, son, (almost) no video game is ever created by one person because there is a ton of work to be done by a scheduled release date. There is always a team where each person works on different aspects of the game and a really smart person needs to manage the team or the game will be late or it will suck. And then someone has to market the game or you’ll never find out about it. The really smart person could totally sit there and code the gameplay but then there will be no sound and no graphics, or it will take forever for that one person to do all these things themselves and the game will be late. So that smart person’s time is way better spent managing other people who can create pieces concurrently. That smart person is paid way more than the people they manage even though technically they didn’t write any code.

       1. This is a good analogy. He keeps saying he wants to be a computer programmer or video-game designer and my husband, who is a programmer, has pointed out that nothing he does is done in isolation and has explained about things like Agile and sprints that require teams to work together. I think we need to bring this kind of analogy forward again.

   13. You’ve gotten some good advice here. I’ll just add that my daughter is a junior in high school and I’d guess that about 1/3 of her group projects end up with the other people flaking and her doing all the work. It totally depends on those other people and how much they care or don’t care about their grades. I’ve actually seen the texts, emails, etc. that my daughter has done to try to get people to do their part and sometimes, it just doesn’t happen, despite the best management skills they can offer.

       One thing I really like (and that you might want to suggest to the school) is that the teachers let the kids grade each other on their level of contribution/participation and that goes into the overall grade each kid gets. Especially where there are more than 2 people in the group, you generally get true responses. And then the teacher can take action against those kids who do nothing without the “good” kid having to feel like they’re tattling.

       1. I love this and my MBA class teacher had done this for group work!

       2. The approach where fellow students grade each other can backfire horribly. My sophomore year of college l had a semester-long group project where the 3 male students in my group did absolutely nothing the entire time. Ignored every attempt to meet, refused to talk to me, straight up left the classroom if I tried approaching them in class, etc. So l did the entire project myself, while trying to include them and get their input every step of the way. Come grading time, they told the professor that l was impossible to work with, refused to let them have any say, wouldn’t communicate with them at all, deleted all their work and replaced it with mine, etc. The professor took their word over mine because it was 3 to 1, and gave me zero credit on the assignment (which left me with a failing grade in the class). I had to go to the dean of the department and ask how to open a sexual harassment complaint in order to claw back my GPA.

   14. Well he is right. My kids hated group projects for the same reasons. You need to tell your son that he is going to be told to do all kinds of stupid stuff by teachers and bosses and you have to do it. Someday you get to be the teacher and boss but until you do that you do what you are told.

   15. My eldest is a little younger (and mostly compliant) but I’m fond of natural consequences, especially in middle school. He’s not going to throw going to college down the drain because he gets an F on an assignment in middle school. He can’t be disruptive in class, but if chooses not to participate, he will reap the consequences.

       For what it’s worth, I think that group projects in middle school were actually useful in learning how to interact with other people, though some of the situations were extreme and I wish I’d handled them differently (for instance, I had a group project with an absolutely terrifying, physically violent bully and I just decided to do his work instead of asking him to do anything).

8. Middle school will soon be upon us. We have maybe a 1/3 chance of older kiddo going to a county-wide-magnet school with a bus schedule best described as wackadoodle. The bell schedule is 9:15-4:15, with some strict demands that kids not be onsite unless in a play, etc. before or after school (it is in a not-great commercial area with no sidewalk traffic and busy streets). It’s not clear that the bus would bring / pick up kiddo home to our house or neighborhood. Younger sibling will be 10 next fall and goes to a school with a bell schedule of 8:15-3:15. They ar a grade apart, so the schedule drama is for one year (on each side of middle school). Sibling’s bus takes 15 minutes and lets sibling off in front of our house. We were thinking of letting sibling take the bus home from school and be alone for an hour or so, when I can get home to WFH while dinner cooks (and possibly having me also WFH for an hour at first for older kiddo getting on the right bus until we master that routine). [Driving seems to be a net loss, as it would be a short distance, but like driving from DC to North Arlington and then back through DC to Bethesda at rush hour, which I’m sure I’d do enough with doctor and dentist and orthodontist appointments throughout the school year.]

   Last week, a middle teacher said with certainty that you can’t let a 12YO stay by themselves and that they need watching (so I wasn’t going to ask re a 10YO) but I really think that that can’t be true? I’m from an urban area where “alone” is relative since we lived in a duplex and even if my parent went to the store, I knew the people through the wall from me, how to use a landline phone, and about 5 other neighbors just in case. I don’t think that I was often left home alone that young, but my mom was a teacher so we had the same schedule until I went to high school, and I work in a city office building.

   The magnet school option is good enough to be worth some degree of schedule chaos. From local message boards, it seems that despite a local college and community college in our area, adults can’t find enough reliable after-school driving helpers (and we have it 1 day a week that works out 3-4 weeks out of a month, but not all of the time).

   1. I have no idea what the laws are where you are, but a little bit of independence can do wonders to build up a child’s self-esteem and view of the world. If I had a child I trusted at that age, I’d do it. (And FWIW, I clearly remember my first time ever home alone: I was 9, and my mom ran to the drug store.)

   2. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave a ten year old home for an hour a day

   3. As a 12yo in the 90’s, not only was I allowed to be home alone, but I was babysitting other families’ children.

      1. this. And with today’s technology like a doorlock that can message my smartphone when the kid comes in the door, I wouldn’t hestitate to let a 12 yr old be home by themselves for an hour or two.

      2. +1, with toddlers! Good lord. In NYC, middle schoolers commute alone on public transit (and terrorize the rest of us in the process).

      3. Same, 11-14 were my prime babysitting years. This kind of things blows my mind.

      4. +2, I babysat my 8 year old brother and a 9 year old girl who came home with us after school every day until her mom picked her up at 6.

   4. I think there’s a big difference between being home alone for an hour while your parent runs to the grocery store, and coming home every day to an empty house and waiting there for an hour. I realize that it’s the same amount of time, but emotionally they feel very different and I feel like the latter requires a lot more maturity. I did the former at about 8 or 9, the latter only occasionally at 12-13 and not consistently until 14.

      1. Disagree. I was home an hour after school at 11 with my brother who was 6. We loved it!!

   5. Twelve year olds babysit for other kids. A 10 year old can be left alone for an hour.

      Check your local laws, though.

   6. I not only stayed home at 10, I babysat my younger siblings for hours at a time. You know your kid and whether they would be in danger if home alone, but I don’t think you should discount that option based purely on age (though do look up your state laws to make sure you won’t be in legal trouble over it).

   7. I realize that when kids are allowed to stay home alone is highly dependent on a) kid’s maturity and b) the community in which they live, but I still think it’s nuts that the middle school teacher singlehandedly declared that a 12-year-old can’t stay home alone.

      Ten is right on the borderline (saying that as a parent of a soon-to-be 10-year-old). I know quite a few of my kiddo’s classmates stay home alone for an hour every day and seemingly handle it OK. My own kid isn’t quite mature enough yet to do that on a daily basis, although I’ve started testing the waters. I’m sure hoping that by middle school, he will be able to handle it.

   8. I stayed home alone (for more than an hour) after school at 10. Until the recent shift to paranoid parenting, that was incredibly common. You know your child best but assuming your kid is reasonably responsible and compliant, they will be fine.

   9. I babysat other kids when I was 12. Unless your kid is quite immature for his age, he can stay home alone. The world is safer for kids today than it ever has been and the risks are very, very low.

   10. No advice for you but today’s world is insane. I watched my little brother and sister as a 11/12 year old on a farm, and babysat at that age for neighbor kids. Now, I was super responsible and bookish but I was 12. I knew how to call 911 and my grandparents. I could take my horse out for rides alone at 10 (parents were home but not watching me). I was also allowed to drive the truck around the yard and hitch it up to my horse trailer at 12.

   11. Our district offers a Red Cross “Beginning to Stay Home Alone” for kids from 3rd to 5th grade. My eight year old just took the class and was certainly not the only 3rd grader in the class. I think this is a know-your-kid situation, but I have no problem with letting him stay home alone for an hour while I run to the grocery store with his little sister. We also live in a quiet neighborhood with lots of other families.

       I think the teacher was off-base to declare that a 12 year old cannot stay home alone on a daily basis. You know your kid and can make the right decision for your family.

   12. There are laws, which wouldn’t be enforced when everything goes smoothly, but in case of a medical emergency/accident, it could mean legal trouble.

   13. So, check your city’s laws as that’s what the teacher may be referencing. In our city you cannot leave any child 11 and under unattended for any length of time or for any reason. Full stop. People get turned in all the time by nosy neighbors or passersby; the cops rarely arrest the parent but their policy is that any time they get an “unattended minor” call, the cops have to call CPS and CPS has to trigger an investigation. The investigations are always long and traumatic (although apparently only rarely will CPS remove the kids from the home) and it’s not something I would want to deal with, most definitely.
       I had a lot of anxiety about leaving our son alone when he turned 12 and was “old enough” to be left alone; the first time I drove away from the house to go to the store and left him there felt really, really weird. But he did great and now regularly stays in the house by himself while we run errands or work late. We did a full debrief on safety of the house, how to use the microwave/stove, what to do in an emergency, etc. We live next to some very nice retired people who are almost always home and have told our son he can always come get them if he needs help. Your kiddo will be fine on her own; just put the knowledge and structures in place and make sure she has a way to get help if she needs it.

       1. That’s a stupid law and you should advocate to change it.

          1. Sure, thanks for the suggestion! I’ll get right on it! That’s totally what I want to do with my unlimited free time.

             I don’t love the law and think it’s overkill but in our community there’s a place for it, sad to say. We have a lot of issues with child abuse and neglect and the law is another tool the police can use to get kids out of homes they shouldn’t be in.

          2. This is actually not that bad, in some place it’s 14.

             I don’t think my city has a law on the books, but a friend of a friend was dragged into a CPS investigation for letting his 12 year old walk the dog alone in their neighborhood (kid is short and thin and looks younger than her actual age, neighbors were concerned and called the cops, cops apologized but said they had no choice but to refer to CPS, CPS did the full investigation). I think most parents think these laws/busybody neighbors are ridiculous, but I also think most parents would give pretty much anything to avoid a CPS investigation, so yeah, it’s a lot easier to just not let our kids do all the stuff we did when we were younger.

   14. I’d check for any local laws, but that teacher sounds way, way off base. My 11yo bikes to and from school on her own (other kids/people use the same bike route) and routinely stays home for a few hours on her own. We live in a big scary city in a state that is generally described as a flaming pit of h*ll on certain news networks. It’s totally fine, she’s fine, we’re all fine.

9. I used to have a cheap robe from Walgreens in the bathroom. It was like $17 and it was made from some kind of fiber that felt like a cloud. Very soft, airy, fuzzy texture, very lightweight. It wore out quickly but it was really comfy.

   It’s like fleece but much fluffier and more lightweight. My kids called it the marshmallow robe.

   I’d like to get another but I haven’t seen Walgreens selling them since then. I don’t know what to call this fabric so I can search for it. Any ideas?

   1. Search for a fleece robe online and zoom in on the pictures? I have a robe like that and it’s one of dozens of similar ones on Amaz0n

   2. I have a robe from Natori that sounds kind of like what you’re describing.

   3. Hope it’s not too late for you to see this. I have an very old robe and matching slippers from Restoration Hardware Outlet (purchased on super discount years apart) that are similar to what you’re describing. It looks like RH still carries them: Luxury Plush Robe. A quick search shows that other stores have “plush” robes too: PB, AMZ, Nordstrom, etc. Seems like “plush” may be the fabric descriptor you’re looking for.

10. A vent to you all. I’m so annoyed with boundary-pushing people who pressure attorneys to take on time consuming things that are not that important. Like no means no. You are not my boss or my client. Back off. The profession is hard enough without people making it harder for no reason.

    I was just pressured to attend a work event on a weekend even though I’ve already said no. I will be out of the country speaking at a conference for three days before the all-day weekend event. Before the event was scheduled, I’d already planned to stay in the cool conference location over the weekend after the event. When the event was scheduled I RSVPed no. A staff person asked why. I said I’m speaking at a conference and I’ve already booked my flight. “Well can’t you change your flight?” No. “The firm will pay for it.” I won’t be able to do that (and tbh I’ve had trouble getting funding for events so no I don’t think the firm would pay for it actually, or if they did it would come out of my marketing budget that I’ve already earmarked for other things). FWIW the event isn’t a partner or client driven thing; I’d totally go if I was going to be in town but sorry I’m not and maybe you should’ve planned this thing more than 3 weeks in advance if you wanted people to come.

    1. What type of work event is this – a holiday party?

    2. FWIW, I find it easier not to give a reason like “I booked my flight” in these circumstances – because that gives something for the person to push on. If you said “oh so sorry, I will not be back in town until Monday” it’s more difficult to challenge.

       1. +1. So annoying when they don’t just stfu though. Totally feel OP’s pain on this.

    3. It’s a staff person?? Yeah you didn’t shut it down hard enough. RSVP no. When asked why — I’m speaking at a conference, not returning until Monday. They have no need to know whether you are speaking on Thursday or Sunday or whether you’ll be done the conference by 5pm Friday and are spending the rest of the weekend lounging in Paris. You have to draw your boundaries and often that’s done by NOT sharing details. No one would question a man who said — not back in town until Monday — and often it’s just because men say fewer words/give no details. Women are expected to share plans etc. and I realize that not sharing makes you seem unfriendly but TBH I’ve leaned towards unfriendly in my career because it gives me space (while of course being polite – just not warm).

11. The post above reminded me of a question I wanted to ask you all – what do you do when you’ve apologized for X but your partner keeps bringing it up as a “joke”? It doesn’t feel like a joke. At first I apologized again. Then I ignored it. Then I said, is there a reason you keep bringing this up. Last time I just said “…ok.” He apologized after last time but I’m wondering what to do if he brings it up again.

    In this case, X was me snapping at him for not ordering pizza. We went to a daytime beer event and I had too much to drink. When we got home, I asked him to order pizza. I guess he was pretty drunk too because ordering pizza was somehow a monumental task. I ended up snapping at him and then apologized. The next day, he told me that I had told him I hated him. I didn’t remember that and didn’t think I was THAT drunk but I apologized profusely. Later that night, he told me I never actually said that, he just thought it was funny to make me think I had. I told him it’s not funny. Now he’ll periodically make a joke about me asking for pizza. I’m pretty over it – we don’t usually fight, we were both drunk and weren’t our best selves, let’s just move on. He’s not usually immature like this, it’s so bizarre.

    1. Your question does not line up with the situation you described.

       Your partner is gaslighting you, and you deal with it by refusing to deal with it. If this man is a boyfriend and not a husband, seriously consider whether the relationship is worth salvaging. (Some particularly passive-aggressive men will use this as a break-up technique, FYI.)

       1. Ah yes, the customary “Relationship problem? Of any kind, duration or severity? GIRL DUMP HIM ALREADY” post. Thanks so much for this contribution, it really added a lot to the dialogue.

          1. anon, if you want to talk about shallow, knee-jerk responses, look at your own.

       2. I would also lose that guy, pronto. Who needs a guy who does this to you. I do not care if the $ex is great. It is NOT worth putting up with a doosh like him. My ex tried pulling this power play on me, even tho he was unemployed and drunk, he thought he was better then me. Thank G-d my Grandma Leyeh woke me up to his shortcomings. He also was asolutely terrible in bed, taking care ONLY of himself, so that made my decision to dump him that much easier. I am now w/o a boyfreind, but with a looser like him, who cares? Not me! YAY!!!!

    2. Many of us are immature when we drink and are not our best selves. (I admit to being in that category.) I won’t give the “dump him immediately advice” but: a) he could be gas-lighting you or working up to it; b) any kind of teasing when you don’t want to be teased isn’t abuse but could be something that you don’t want to deal with on an ongoing basis; and c) if he thinks it’s funny to make you feel bad about something that you didn’t do and keeps bringing it up when not drunk, he is immature.

       Now whether this is a pattern of behavior, will continue or is worth doing something about, only you’re the judge of that. If he brings it up again, you might want to take a look at all aspects of the relationship. Not sure that anything you say will help – you’ve already said/done everything that I could suggest.

12. Lately work has been crazy…not Big Law crazy, but crazy for me. I’ve been working longer hours in the office, plus some night and weekend work at home. But more than the hours it’s the stress of “will everything get done by the deadline” that has been causing me to have insomnia, wake up panicking about work, have constant stress and anxiety, etc. I went out to dinner this weekend with my family and left my credit card at the restaurant. Not that big a deal, right? Well, today I went on my lunch hour to claim it which meant I skipped actually eating lunch (it’s a 45 minute roundtrip drive) and…I left my ID (that I had to show to claim my credit card) at the restaurant. I feel like I’m actually losing my mind. Any tips for getting through a busy time like this?

    1. You need to take a break – there is too much stress. This is your mind and body telling you to slow down…please take a break before something worse happens. Take care of yourself.

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