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Updated: Nov 5, 2019 205 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Marne Pleated Crepe Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This navy dress with green accents is a great fall/winter piece. It has full-length sleeves and is made of a mid-weight crepe, so you won’t be freezing. I know there’s been a lot of discussion around here about what color tights should be worn with navy skirts and dresses — my solution is usually to punt on the decision altogether and wear nude-to-me hose with navy outfits. (Controversial, I know, but it keeps my legs warm enough, and my sleepy eyes always have a hard time differentiating between black and navy tights on dark winter mornings!) There was a great discussion of the issue here. The dress is $165 and comes in UK sizes 4–14. Marne Pleated Crepe Crepe Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  2. Legware for navy dresses

    Can we elaborate on legware for navy dresses? I loved nude hose for this reason. I am in a casual office. Nude sheers? Nude micro fishnets? If it is a plain crepe dress, I theoretically like option #2. And at a certain point of winter, I am just done with black tights and just want options.

    What are y’all doing?

  3. Hummus bender

    I hate a scary amount of delicious hummus for lunch. And I woke up with what appears to be a food baby — tummy is a bit swollen and it’s like I’m bloating, but just in one place (ring and shoes fit just fine). Is this something that will, ahem, pass? I wasn’t expecting this (and will reign in the portion next time), but I’m a bit uncomfortable in my clothes. I am guessing that with a lot of ground chick peas and olive oil, I might have some GI distress in the process of the mass passing through.

    Do I avoid more fiber for now? Eat gently? I don’t want to make this worse :(

    • Anon

      If you’re adding fibre to your diet, do so slowly. Massive amounts all at once can cause all sorts of issues.

      • Anonymous

        OP here: I’m not trying at add fiber, but for the moment, perhaps it would not be a good idea to get a bean burrito for lunch. Maybe some sort of noodle dish? I had yogurt for breakfast (vs oatmeal) today (I usually alternate).

        My kids have sometimes stalled on the potty and blamed a stuck poopie (likely just angling to delay bedtime / wanting to read a bood). (I have never found them to be constipated FWIW, just stalling). Now the phrase is almost haunting me.

    • Cat

      you’ll be fine! it’s gas and ultimately a very soft food! Just eat more moderately next time to get the positive effects on your digestive tract without the bloat.

    • Anonymous

      Yes you’ve got yourself gas from eating too many beans. Toast until you’re better.

    • Anon

      It’s gas, it’s not a giant hard poop. You’ll feel better once you’re able to start passing the gas.

    • anon

      I have had severe sharp abdominal pains that the dr dismissed as gas/bloating too, FWIW. Although obviously, you shouldn’t ignore something serious ’cause of some internet stranger.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know if it really works or not, but my solution is to drink even more water (I already drink a lot) to flush everything through. That in itself ups the food baby look, but it helps with distress.

    • Anon09er

      Try doing an ILU massage on yourself. Do a web search for it. It may help move the gas bubble along. Certainly won’t hurt you.

    • anonymous

      I mean, I mean this with kindness but… you are just bloated. If being bloated is so uncommon for you that it has caused you to seek reassurance from strangers on the internet, then count yourself lucky. You’re going to be okay. Your “tummy” is not permanently swollen.

    • Anon

      Had this problem 1-2 weeks ago with hummus. With me it wasn’t quantity of hummus but just the fact that I don’t eat chickpeas often so my body isn’t used to them. I would NOT eat more fiber or anything heavy – stick with bread, plain soups etc. Take a gas x type product top — it’ll start dissolving some of the gas bubbles/making them smaller so you can pass them. At least for me gas gets painful/leads to upset stomachs when there’s just too much of it sitting in one section of the abdomen. Something like gas x at least breaks it up a bit so you can start getting rid of it.

    • Jenna

      I thought I’d be reading a lot more chatter about that beautiful dress, not stalled poop. Not a prig, but gah. Just … GAH.

  4. All birds vs rothys

    I have a pair of lace up all birds that I’ve had nearly 3 years now and love, but am looking to replace them soon. I’ve been debating whether I want to make the switch to rothys instead. Anyone have both types of shoes and can give me a comparison? I would go for the slip on sneaker in either one.
    I love that my all birds don’t stink and with a slip on sneaker that’s pretty critical since I’d be less likely to wear socks with them.

    • buffybot

      Based on your criteria, stick to All Birds. Rothys definitely get smelly and I don’t think are nearly as comfortable as my All Birds, although they’re obviously more polished looking. A friend of mine also got the Rothys sneakers and said that they rubbed her feet in a painful way even with a small sock.

    • Anonanonanon

      I can’t speak to the sneakers, but my Rothy flats begin to smell fairly quickly in a way that my other shoes do not, which I guess is to be expected from shoes made out of water bottles? The pro is they’re washable, but if smell is a deciding factor for you it’s worth noting.

      • Sarabeth

        Same. I have to wash them on a pretty regular basis when I’m wearing them frequently. That said, I wonder if the new merino fabric is different?

      • Anonome

        Same. I have to wash my Rothys every other wear, and TBH every single wear would be more nose-friendly but they’re already looking a bit shabby.

        • Anonymous

          This is nuts. People are really buying crazy-pricey flats that have to be washed every time you wear them?

          • Anonome

            Well, I only bought the one pair. Then I learned they reek, and didn’t buy any more.

      • Formerly Lilly

        To keep your Rothy’s from smelling, buy extra insoles. In the summer heat I will only wear the insoles once before washing them. In cooler weather I wear them several times then wash them. Doing this, the shoes don’t smell. I have washed the shoes about three or four times in a couple of years, once because they started to smell and twice because they had mud on them.

        • PolyD

          I don’t know if this will help, but I have had decent luck de-stinking shoes by stuffing them with crumpled up newspaper (and this outs me as an old, because yeah, I still get a paper newspaper). Might be something to try to extend wearings between washings.

    • Sneakers

      I have both the lace up Allbirds and the Rothy’s sneakers. The Allbirds are definitely more comfortable, but the Rothy’s look nicer. The Rothy’s still get a pretty high score for comfort–I can wear them for all day travel, but I did get blisters wearing them all day at the state fair in July. I find that they get smelly less than my Rothy’s points, but they definitely still need washed regularly. I haven’t had the Allbirds long enough to compare that aspect.

  5. Kk

    I was on PTO Last week and arrived home from Paris to the east coast late Sunday night. I spent Monday morning doing laundry and flew to the Bay Area last night, for a week of high-stress meetings the rest of this week, in a time zone that’s nine hours off from where I’ve been. I can’t share with coworkers why I’m bleary (oh poor me I’m tired from my vacation) but do any of you have tips for how to manage on very little sleep or how to adjust time zones more easily?

    • Anon

      You can push through anything for 3-4 days. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wide awake at 3am. Can you adjust your schedule to get outside-meeting work done early AM vs staying up at night to do it? Go back to the hotel and go to sleep at a decent time if possible, use melatonin if needed. I find my caffeine more effective in a medium-dose trickle, vs a bunch of espresso shots and then crash. So, I go with one large coffee followed by black tea or matcha, but cut if off mid-afternoon if possible. Eat well and don’t let your blood sugar crash, if that means bringing some snacks or sandwiches and eating quickly in between meetings, do it. Lots of cold or ice water. I also find that a brief walk outside does me a lot of good – get a couple minutes of sunshine if you can find time. Good luck!

      • Anonymous

        I’ve also found I can push through “anything” for about 3 days, with help of caffeine.

    • Anonanonanon

      Take melatonin about an hour before you need to go to bed in your current timezone. Start with a small dose. I can only take around 2.5 mg or I have vivid dreams that cause me to wake up mentally tired.

  6. Boss advice

    How do you work effectively with a boss that overall supports you, but asks questions about your decisions in a time that feels critical (Why didn’t you include this in the document? Why did you do this and not that? I don’t understand why you aren’t arguing X?). A lot of this happens over email so I can’t tell if these are genuine questions or criticisms. I have an adrenaline rush of anxiety whenever these emails fly in and so I know I need a way to manage this better.

    • ANon

      Get out from behind email and have a conversation about the questions, either in person if you’re in the same office or over the phone.

      • annienomous

        +1

        When I get an email like this from my boss (which is pretty frequent if I’m working on a project for him), I will spend a few minutes thinking about his comments/suggestions/questions, gather what I have to support why I did or did not do X OR alternatively look into X because I failed to think about it and go to his office for a chat. I think this shows that I’m open to constructive criticism and always learning, plus it helps both of us understand the other’s thought processes.

    • Anonanonanon

      As someone who takes feedback way too personally and is now a manager myself, I’m able to look at it through a different lens. If I send something back with a question like that, it’s because I truly want to know or have reason to believe someone is going to ask me that same question and I need to be prepared to answer it truthfully.
      I don’t have the energy to be passive-aggressive. If I think you should do something I will say “please include ____” or “we need to argue _____. Add a section for that and send it to me for review, thanks!” If I trust an employee and trust that they have thought things through and have a good reason behind the decisions they’ve made, I’m more likely to ask “Why didn’t we include ______ in the report?” or “Why are we arguing ____ instead of ____?”. Take the fact they’re giving you a chance to explain as a compliment. If they had zero confidence you had a good reason they’d just tell you to do it differently.

    • Anon

      Email is so impersonal, it’s hard to tell what’s criticism vs what your boss may think is a learning opportunity for you. See if you can get boss’s buy-in on your thought process. If possible, instead of firing back a response via email, swing by her/his office when you know they might have 5 minutes and ask if you can discuss the topic – here was how I thought through it, would you prefer me to approach things similar to this from a different angle? If there’s a recurring theme to the questions – ie always asking why you didn’t do a certain thing a certain way, adjust appropriately.

    • Anonymous

      This is what I call a “manage up” situation. You know that this is coming and that it is not necessarily critical–just double-checking concern points. Is there a way that you could schedule a brief check in meeting to get him/her on the same page as you and clear all of this up ahead of time? That way you don’t have a crunch time panic over small details. The key is to avoid addressing these issues by e-mail because it is detrimental to productivity, confidence, and overall effectiveness.

    • Anonymous

      As a manager, I’ve had to have a few conversations with my team explaining that when I ask a question, I truly want an answer to the question. It’s not a criticism or a hint that you should change everything around. I typically don’t remember the situation in enough detail or know the facts as well as my team who has been putting the project together, so I’m asking them for the answer so I know the answer before presenting something to the client.

      • Julia

        Yea for sure, this is what I was going to say — just answer the question. Even if the answer is, “I hadn’t thought of including X, but I can see how it would be helpful (or I don’t think it would be helpful because XYZ) — do you think I should include it?” Just remember everyone’s goal is to get to the right answer and produce the best work product. Junior people aren’t supposed to think of everything — that’s why senior people review their drafts. You haven’t done anything “wrong” just because you didn’t spot an issue or because you did something differently from how your boss thinks is the best way. Incorporate the comments and move forward.

  7. Anonymous

    TTC and I think my ovulation test kits are hard to read. Anyone have a recommendation?

    • T

      I think there’s an app that tracks your potential LH surge by comparing photos of the test strips to one another – I think you just add a photo and then it “rates” the level as compared to others. This is just using cheap OPK strips. If you have some money to throw at the problem, I can’t recommend the Temp Drop more – anecdata, but I got pregnant the first month using it because it makes temping so much easier than remembering to do it when you wake up.

      • Anonymous

        Fertility Friend (paid version) does this. You can take a picture of the strip and have it analyzed (compare the test line to the control line), invert the values so it’s easier to see, etc.

      • anon

        Premom app does this and is free. but I also think after one cycle with new strips it will be easier. BTW, did you know you take ovulation tests in the evening? I did not and was taking them in the morning like pregnancy tests.

    • Anon Lawyer

      Honestly, I thought it was worth paying for the Clearblue digital ones. The cost is annoying but better than driving myself crazy trying to figure out if the control line is darker than the test line.

    • Anonymous

      Buy a more sensitive brand. The cheap ones on the internet tend to be sensitive – I used Pregmate off Amazon. I would take pictures in the PreMom app which stores them and reads them for you.

  8. Anon for this

    Is anyone else bothered by the use of the word “like”? It’s really starting to bother me. I was just reading the comments from post from yesterday with the pineapple earrings and started counting how many times we used the word “like” but I stopped. It’s so overused – and I’m sure I do it too, so don’t crucify me for bringing it up. I’m really trying to be conscious of my use of the word…I wondered if anyone else felt the same way.

    • Anonymous

      Like, how so? Does it bother you when I say I like clothes? Or when I use it for a quote like she was totally like I hate fleece tights? Or, like, when ummm like I use it to soften my speech like I don’t wanna be rude but like this has been a thing for 30 years and aren’t we like over policing how women talk?

      • Anonymous

        OTOH, when you go to a brain surgeon, do you want her to sound like a Valley Girl or a VSCO Girl? Or do you want a sense that she knows what she has to say and can convey her thoughts without sounding as if her mouth motor has gotten ahead of her brain? Because that is how overuse of “like” and “um” sounds to me: like you need to pause your mouth and let your brain catch up and then just say what needs to be said.

        I have said this (and not just once!) to my children, one of whom really needs to work on this as a bad habit worth quitting.

        • Anonymous

          Not at all, but, like, her comment is about how we like comment on a post about pseudo-pineapple earrings. Like, it is possible to speak casually in casual situations and formally when needed. Besides, like I said, it’s like totes unclear what her issue with like it.

          • Anon for this

            OP here – I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear. I meant overuse of the word like s a filler. Of course there are acceptable uses of the word, as a verb, adverb, proposition, etc. Thanks to those of you who understood what I meant.

        • anon

          Sure, it’s a habit of speaking that with some effort you could unlearn. But at the root here is that you express an unconscious bias against valley girls when rationally you know that somebody’s origin or manner of speaking has nothing to do with their ability or talent for practicing medicine. Somehow we are quick to make assumptions about lesser abilities for southern accents or eastern European ones, but we don’t do the same for British or Boston accents.

    • emeralds

      My mom! She HATES it. I can remember having actual arguments in the car about it when I was a kid, but by the time I was in high school she must have finally admitted that it’s a generational equivalent to “um” or “well.” I can still see her get a little twitchy if I’m having a spacey what-are-words-I-cannot-use-them moment and using it too much in conversation.

      • Anon

        Oh my god yes, I remember my parents yelling at me for HOURS for saying “S/he was like…” in middle/high school. I got so many lectures about how “s/he was like” is not a substitute for “S/he said.” They told me I sounded uneducated and stupid and probably other more offensive words. Now they say it! LOL.

        • anon

          I explicitly started using it as a pre-teen to annoy my mother. How I regret that choice now that I’m stuck with it.

        • Anon

          My mom hated like but she really hated “you know”.

          So many car rides with her responding “no, I don’t know” every single time I said “you know”. It was so annoying at the time!

          Looking back, it must have been so annoying to hear “so Sarah’s been like talking to Jake, you know” and “omg its so unfair, Mr. smith is like such a hard grader, you know” all day from her 13 year old.

        • Anon

          “S/he was like” conveys a distinct meaning from “S/he said”, though. The former can indicate hyperbole or generous paraphrasing, while the latter is supposed to be more true to the actual sentiment and words used.

          I understand finding teenage verbal trends annoying, but sometimes they legitimately communicate something that can’t be communicated as efficaciously with “proper” language.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been tracking this with myself for a while. I’ve noticed that I tend to use informal language – like, sorta, you know, I think – when I’m speaking with women, but I tend to speak more formally when talking to men. Apparently this translates to women-focused webs i t e s too. I use this language when I comment here but not mixed-gender s i t e s.

    • Anon

      I had an English teacher in middle school who had a list of banned words, each time you said one you’d get a tally (so, everyone called the words tallies). I forget what the consequence was for getting 100 tallies, but it got us to watch our language.

      The tallies were for the entire class and applied anywhere on campus. I dont rememberer the full list but “like” was the list common offender! The tallies were mostly words like “like” but also included hate (that was 20 tallies), using contractions in writing, and saying yeah to adults.

      I’ve since regressed back to poor speaking habits but for one year we were all speaking and writing well!

    • Anon

      Omg whoooo caaaarreessss. Also, have you been living under a rock for, like, the last fifty years? This isn’t new.

      • Anon

        Is it worth it to take the time out of your day to say “who cares?” Clearly you do or you would have scrolled by. OP, I hear it all the time from both men and women and it can be grating – I had one guy on a conference call who must’ve said “like” and “um” upwards of 75 times.

        • Anon for this

          OP here – thanks for chiming in. I knew I’d get berated. I know people have been saying it for decades, maybe it’s more pronounced now or maybe I’m just now noticing it. I was just wondering if it bugged anyone else….that’s all.

          • Jenna

            I’m 57 years old and while it’s true that people have been using the word as a filler for many years (I reference my age to indicate how many decades I’ve heard it), it’s worse now than ever. I find I use it from time to time myself, but it’s not a word with which I freely pepper my speech. I catch myself and back off of it.
            What annoys me much more than “like” is the pronounced vocal fry that seemed to become ubiquitous with the advent of Kardashianism. Hearing someone speak with the fry is like nails on a chalkboard to me, and is particularly egregious over a Polycom speaker. For the love of all things professional, stop this affected manner of speech and give your words a strong voice. It IS an habitual affectation for many, and it’s just dumb.

          • Anon

            I actually think of these speech patterns as status markers, because they’re more urban and high income than the speech patterns I’m used to.

            But in general, I figure successful people can speak how they want. I’ve also observed more speech pattern diversity in professions that are more meritocratic and less frankly clubbish.

  9. Anonymous

    Interview shoe help please! I have a sudden interview for a dream job sometime in the next week (all came about very fast). I am planning on wearing a navy skirt suit (I just feel more comfortable in skirt than pants) and an ivory blouse, but I am struggling with a shoe suggestion. I am not comfortable in any heels that are more than kitten heels, and I usually wear ballet flats. I’m currently at a law firm and the job is in house. I’m willing to spend a little bit of money for something stylish and interview appropriate. TIA!!!!!

    • anon

      For an interview skirt suit, I like Jon Josef classic navy leather pumps with 2.5 inch heel…beautiful leather shoe made in Spain, very comfortable and professional.

    • Anon

      If you’re not used to wearing heels, don’t wear them. Maybe it is because I have anxiety but I can’t wear heels to interviews. I will end up spending more time worrying about them than actually focusing on what matters. I’d look into something similar to the Jimmy Choo Gala flat in an appropriate color/material.

      • Anonymous

        oh yes – will definitely note be wearing anything higher than a kitten heel. What color goes best with a navy suit? Usually I wear colorful pink/green/red flats, or a neutral grey, or a snakeskin print (I might not be the most stylish shoe person, but I do love my colorful flats).

        • Miss

          I wouldn’t do a colorful shoe. Gray or snakeskin sounds fine to me. That’s what I usually pair with navy.

          Also, I’ve conducted dozens of interviews for attorney positions in my life and have never remembered anyone’s shoes. Boring is good for interviews. You’re fine with a dressy flat, especially if you’re worried about walking in heels.

        • June

          For the most cohesive look, “bookend” your hair with the shoe color/darkness level. I have dark hair, so I wear black or navy shoes with a navy suit. If you have reddish or light/medium brown hair wear chestnut/cognac shoes, etc.

        • Anonymous

          I just did a navy suit with a shoe from Cole Haan that was between a tobacco brown and a burgundy (but it was a heel; I didn’t have time to get the pants hemmed!). I bought the shoes for the interview, but I’ve been wearing them constantly ever since.

      • Cat

        Alternative is to try the low block heels that are trending — like the JCrew Laney pumps in the camel suede?

    • The original Scarlett

      Good luck with the interview and I think any of your colorful flats would be fine if they’re the same level of dressy with a completely neutral base (unless the company is something ultra conservative). And fwiw, I’ve interviewed lots of people and never once noticed their shoes despite being a shoe person. Long way of saying, don’t worry about it too much.

      • Anon

        Would agree with this. I only notice people’s shoes if they’re:wildly inappropriate (think 5+ inch strappy heels), really dirty (somehow men don’t know how to clean their shoes…), or really wild (think lime green leopard). I don’t notice flats vs. heels, or honestly colors, assuming it goes well. Grey, snakeskin (love!), camel, nude-to-you, all acceptable with navy.

  10. blueberries

    Any recommendations for eyebrow pencil? I’ve long used MAC in the shade fling, but they’ve changed their formulation so it’s more liquid. I’m used to a more solid formulation (roughly the consistency of lipstick).

    • Greensleeves

      I used to use the Clinique Browkeeper and I stopped because I felt like the texture had gotten softer, so maybe try that? Now I use Anastasia Brow Wiz and love it, but I definitely think it’s firmer than the Clinique.

    • Anon

      Maybelline total temptation eyebrow definer. It’s a soft creamy pencil that glides smoothly. And it’s cheap.

    • Stars

      I love the Chanel “CRAYON SOURCILS SCULPTING EYEBROW PENCIL,” but in terms of texture it’s a bit more firm than what you’re describing – more like a medium soft pencil. The brun naturel shade works great with my medium brown hair. Good luck!

  11. Anon

    Question for the hive. I just started at a new company. We are expected to bill 40 hours a week (not a law firm) to either client projects or to the company. As an exempt, salaried employee, if I bill more than 40 hours a week, I of course don’t get paid overtime. BUT…if I were to bill less than 40 hours a week, it sounds like they will deduct our pay. That’s not legal, right? It’s a small company, so doing some research to see if there are exceptions to FLSA I’m not aware of.

    • Anon

      No I don’t believe that’s legal. I’m at a similar company and we get paid for 40 if we bill 38 but will get a talking to.

    • Anonymous

      What does “to the company” mean? I’m in law, but generally there are non-billable codes that you use as filler when you don’t have billable work. You’re expected to account for 8 hours a day and hopefully all of it’s billable, but sometimes it’s not and you’ll record your time as “reading” or something.

    • anon

      They could make you take PTO I think, although that would be crappy of them. Do you have an admin/general billing code to bill to the company?

    • Anon

      I doubt it’s legal. BUT it also sounds like it may be an entirely hypothetical question. if you can bill hours to the company, they probably expect you to bill X number of hours to clients and 40-X hours to the company (excluding weeks when you’re on paid leave), so that every week your total hours are 40 or more. Is there any reason to believe there will ever be a situation where you can’t bill enough hours to the company to get to 40?

    • NY CPA

      If we bill <40 hours to client or internal projects, we're required to book PTO to make up the difference. If your company doesn't offer any/much paid time-off, I guess I could see how it could turn into a situation where you're having to book unpaid time off.

    • Anonanonanon

      They can force you to use PTO for hours under 40, but they cannot deduct pay by the hour for a day in which you did work unless you have used all of your PTO and they offer a bona fide sick leave program. I think if they do not offer a valid sick leave program, they cannot deduct pay for any WEEK in which you work.

      If you’re only paid by the hours you bill, I’m fairly confident you do not pass the test to truly be an exempt employee. However, there is a financial bar to be required to comply with FLSA as a company, I think they have to deal with around $500,000 annually? There’s certainly someone on here to can speak with more authority than me, but this is definitely worth looking a bit further into.

    • tk

      There’s a special exception for public sector employers but none for private sector that I’m aware of.

    • Anon

      Are they deducting pay or making you use PTO? Because they can do that, even though I definitely agree it’s not fair.

    • Anonome

      The people at my company whose jobs contribute towards producing a product that the company invented have to charge their time like this, because it counts towards company tax credits for “made in America” manufacturing incentive programs. They do need to use PTO if they don’t meet 40 hours.

  12. Clueless Dater

    I recently started dating after a long-term relationship, so I’m not super up to date on dating norms. I have been seeing this guy for a month and a half and we saw a lot of each other for a few weeks, at his incentive- I would have taken things slower but it was a great few weeks and he was really sweet and enthusiastic about me (we did garden and agree not to garden with others). Then last week we were both busy and didn’t see each other, and then after I texted to say hi he called yesterday to say he was very busy and probably couldn’t make it this week either. He left it at that – no plans or alternatives, just a bye see you someday kind of situation. I know he is legitimately busy with a deadline at work, but I’m a little bummed and not sure where to go from here – do I give him space and let him reach out? Is he politely ghosting me?

    • Anonymous

      IDK (leaning yes, he has ghosted you, b/c I feel like this is such a primal things with guys that if they are truly still interested they step up and say so unless they are in a coma), but I have a feeling that you should fill up your dance card and see what happens with that vs twisting in the wind waiting for you to call.

      A lot of us want a clear breakup letter and without that treat the deal as perhaps a breakup but with an option to return. That’s a good situation for a guy, but not for you. But I bet guys wouldn’t do that if we operated from an assumption that unless they make another date, they have effectively broken up (which I hate even thinking about, but that way a guy would be more likely to do something if interested with you) with us and we will move on immediately.

      This current ghosting thing makes being conflict avoidant such a dominant and cowardly part of dating (remember that and don’t feel bad about accepting Larry’s invitation to go salsa dancing: you’re worth more than silence and avoidance; imagine how it would be having the “I don’t really want kids after I told you I was open to them” conversation or when you move in and in 10 years you are still waiting for him to propose or finish his thesis or whatever).

    • Anon

      Sadly, I think that’s the end of this. You’ll know when a guy is really into you. Interested men pursue, disinterested men do not.

      • Anonymous

        Cosign.

        Usually getting comfortable enough to gardening seemed to lead to gardening and then ghosting. I watched the Tudors and remember thinking it was a reason never to put out as a trial to see if that kept guys pursuing (or at least let them ghost me before it bothered me that they left). But gardening almost guaranteed that silence followed. I hate that.

      • Monday

        +1, but I think this really goes for any gender and any situation. So including friendships, business things, favors you’re asking etc. If someone says “I can’t do that” but makes no reference to a different time or thing that they COULD do, they are not interested in doing it. I’m sorry, OP.

    • Anonanonanon

      To me at least, there’s a difference between “I’m too busy to see you, sorry!” and sending just enough texts to keep you confused, and saying “I’m slammed at work right now, I really wish I could meet up but I need to stay focused on this project. It wraps up in two weeks, let’s plan to go out to dinner then!” The latter is a sign of someone genuinely interested and worth pursuing a relationship with.

      • NOLA

        Agreed. I had a guy cancel a date abrubtly (said “I’m leaving town in the morning and I’m not going out tonight).and not even say anything like sorry and we’ll reschedule when I get back. I took that as being dismissed and moved on. He texted me a week later to say what happened and why are you treating me this way. I have no time for nonsense like that.

        • Monday

          “Why are you treating me this way”???? Men really deserve the reputation for being overly emotionally needy and dramatic.

    • Anonymous

      I would take him at his word and accept that he’s too busy for a date. I would expect him to still send me a a hey how was your day text. Like (hah!), if you had time to use the bathroom and wash your hands, you had time to send me one text that day.

    • anon

      I think I agree that it’s likely the end but I would ask him directly. That’s just my personality so YMMV. If he doesn’t respond, you have your answer.

      • CountC

        +1 this is me too. I’m not guessing. I would text him later tonight after traditional work hours and ask if he is interested in getting together again once work slows down or whatever. If he doesn’t respond, there you go.

        • emeralds

          By the end stages of my dating life I was so goddamned over wondering whether men were interested in me, that I started using this tactic just so I would KNOW already.

          • Monday

            That’s interesting–I feel the opposite. I am so over following up with people who don’t put in effort, I stopped doing so just to sort out who cares and who doesn’t.

          • emeralds

            For me, it was less emotional effort to send a quick text than to spend the time wondering. But of course that is not universal and I totally understand why someone would come at it from the other direction.

            I never had to wonder about my husband, FWIW. (If anything he was the one wondering about me, since I left for a two-week work trip on another continent right after our second date.)

    • Anon

      When I’ve dated men who have been into me but busy with work, they’ve managed to send at least a text daily, sometimes something as quick as “crazy day, can’t wait to tell you about it later!” and have indicated when they want to get together next and when they think it’ll slow down.

      I’m sorry, but either this guy is ghosting you or he’s keeping you as a backup option. Maybe it’s someone new, maybe it’s an ex. Been there and it sucks.

    • Anon

      Nope. If they want to see you they will. Maybe they can’t do dinner and drinks and go back to your place on a Tuesday night, but a late dinner or a drink should be feasible. If he doesn’t really want to see you, it’s not enough.

    • Julia

      Give him space and read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “The Rules.” They are both very helpful in framing perspective on, if a guy is interested in you, he’ll let it be known. Takes a lot of the pressure off. No one on this board can tell you what this guy is really thinking. His actions will.

      • Ellen

        He fooled you by saying and doing what was needed for you to garden, and after sampling you, has decided to move on. We must be more careful NOT to let men pull our panties off until we are sure they are being truthful, and NOT just saying/doeing what you want them to do b/f letting them into you, b/c once you do, you are old news, and there are others who are anxius for a relationship willing to listen to their schtick and wind up just getting “d***cked” when they move on. FOOEY on them! And the rest of the HIVE should NOT be taken in by this stuff, b/c it happens all of the time!

  13. Cleaning

    I’m looking for reassurance that what I’m proposing to do isn’t totally unreasonable. We moved a year ago, and in that time period have done a ton of remodeling/construction. We’re reasonably clean people, there’s vacuuming happening every day, mopping at least 1x/week, but we just don’t have capacity to do the truly deep clean that I think we need (baseboards, door frames, detailed window cleaning, wiping down shelves in closets, etc). I’m fine to throw a few hundred dollars at this problem – is it ridiculous to hire a cleaning company to do this deep clean? Something about it seems so indulgent that I’m struggling to just do it, even though I think it’ll be a huge stress reducer before the holidays. If anyone wants to make me feel better about spending money on something I could do myself I’d appreciate it :)

    • Anon

      This is not at all unreasonable. It is, in fact, a great use of a cleaning service – the stuff that whether or not you “could” do it yourself, is just onerous given the circumstances.

      It’s like getting your driveway plowed after a blizzard, even if you normally shovel 6-12 inches of snow yourself without complaint. It’s like doing your own oil changes and brakes, but paying a mechanic to do the timing belt replacement.

    • AnonInfinity

      Not ridiculous at all! I’ve done this on occasion, as have most of my friends. One of my friends does it every year around this time as a gift to herself (AND she has a twice-monthly housekeeper). You’ll love it. Plus we spend money all the time on things we could do ourselves as a treat.

    • Anon

      I (and many people) pay a housecleaner to clean our house ever couple of weeks & I literally don’t do any sort of mopping or toilet cleaning in between, so I definitely do not think paying someone to do a one time deep clean is indulgent at all. It is what you need to do to utilize your time efficiently.

    • Anon.

      Not at all indulgent. We pay our cleaner by the hour, and every time she comes (biweekly, 3hrs each time), I have one “extra” task for her that is a rotation of something that’s done maybe 2-3 times a year. Like, I don’t need her to vacuum the second floor every time (we just sleep there), but she may instead clean the gas grill after the season, vacuum and wipe down my car interior, wipe the interior doors and door handles, take off the curtains for washing, clean the fridge, sort my pantry, do some ironing that I don’t get to…

    • Cat

      This is not at ALL ridiculous — a one-time “deep clean” will be more expensive than scheduling a routine regular clean, but very worth it IMHO.

    • Anonymous

      A project you do yourself isn’t “free.” It consumes your time; your time has value. It consumes your emotional energy, which also has value. Which is more valuable to you – your time and emotional wellbeing, or the cost of the cleaning?

    • Anonanonanon

      Not unreasonable at all, but it sounds like you’re picky like I am and it can be difficult to find people who do a good deep clean. To combat this, I still do the deep cleaning on our main floor (we’re in an urban area so that is 500 sq ft) and I pay people to do the cleaning on the top floor (3 bdrms, 2 bathrooms). That way the areas that people are the most likely to see if they’re in my home are up to my standards, but it’s OK if my toddler’s baseboards aren’t perfect, as long as they’re regularly dusted

    • Julia

      I mean, we all spend money on things we “could” do ourselves all the time. Do you sew your own clothes? Do you grow your own vegetables? Do you ever buy coffee out? Do you eat at restaurants? Services are a commodity, just like money, just like time. It’s perfectly fine to decide how you want to exchange your resources for those of others.

  14. anon

    Does anyone have experience with coming off of SSRIs? I have been tapering down from Prozac for several months, and about a month ago I took my last dose. The main reason I wanted to go off of it was because of negative sexual side effects (loss of libido, etc) . Ive read that Prozac stays in your system for about a month. Well, It’s been about a month and I’m not back to normal in that department yet and starting to get anxious…does any one have experience or anecdata to share? I could use some encouraging words.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve heard that Prozac is supposed to be one of the easier ones to taper off of, but I had a hell of a time. Things did eventually return to normal but I don’t remember precisely how long it took. Easier said than done, but try to be patient and gentle with yourself. From one stranger to another, it definitely got better.

    • Anonymous

      Could it still be the depression causing issues? It too causes loss of libido; it’s not just the drugs.

    • Veronica Mars

      You can look at surviving antidepressants forum but it’s really scary worst case scenario type of stuff. For what it’s worth, I went on there and felt more empowered to go down slower than what my dr recommended, and over a much longer period. I did one step down (whatever the lowest amount you can do with your pills, might be 1 mg or 5 mg or 50 mg depending on the medication) every 4-6 weeks. That eliminated the withdrawal symptoms, but I have noticed some of my underlying anxiety coming back.

    • Anon

      This can be one of the longest lasting effects of an SSRI. There’s not currently a lot of research into side effects that linger after a drug is no longer in someone’s system, but this is one of the first examples that comes up when people advocate for more research into the long-lasting effects of medications.

      And it happens to people who were not on the SSRI for depression, so “it’s just the depression coming back” isn’t a persuasive explanation (it can also last longer than discontinuation syndrome in people who experience discontinuation syndrome, so it’s not clear that it always resolves when serotonin receptor density normalizes).

      So it can outlast the presence of the drug in your system, but that doesn’t mean it’s forever. It can feel like it will last forever when it’s been months and months though! Depending on how willing you are to experiment with under researched over-the-counter supplements, you could consider trying something like vitex castus or L-tyrosine to boost dopamine and therefore libido. My n=1 anecdote is that vitex castus is effective.

      Your psychiatrist probably already suggested this, but you could also consider trying Wellbutrin.

    • OP anon

      Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I wasn’t on the medication to treat depression, and my tapering down was very slow and conservative already. I’m trying to avoid googling this so as to avoid reading about worst case scenarios. Thanks for the encouragement!

  15. Beta Brand Shoes

    Has anyone tried the Beta Brand shoes? I am eyeing their wedges, but have no idea how they run. I have really narrow heels (so I often have to use heel clingie things or shoes just will not stay on my feet, especially during tights weather when they just slide off).

    • Anonymous

      I have the Late to the Gate Heels and they literally fit me perfectly (I don’t have narrow heels). I am obsessed with them, get complimented every time I wear them (I was shocked since they are a fabric upper), and have *actually* run in them for a very short period of time.

  17. Anon

    I’m flying United/Luftansa tomorrow and apparently carry on luggage is limited to 18 lbs. Does anyone know how strict they are? Currently weighing in at 20.

    • Anon

      You’re more likely to get checked for this on an intra-Europe flight. You should be fine on a US-Germany flight.

    • Cat

      Departing the US they’re usually not as strict with checking size or weight compared to departing Europe – if you’ll be using up some of the weight while gone, or can quickly move something dense to your personal item if needed (pair of jeans? makeup bag?), I wouldn’t worry.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      I flew United and Lufthansa in August, and they didn’t check the weight of my carry on at any point. Lufthansa did lose my checked bag for like two weeks though, and while my Lufthansa flight home actually let me get away with extra carry-ons, United gave me trouble about it at my gate at Heathrow (despite my explaining that the situation was because Lufthansa had failed to produce my missing bag at check-in in Munich, as they had promised). You’re probably fine if you’re two pounds over, I doubt they will police it that closely.

    • Anon.

      In my experience they don’t weigh the carry-on unless it looks bulky and larger than the allowed dimensions. If it’s a small plane with insufficient overhead space, they may gate-check it anyway.

    • Anon

      I flew from DFW to Frankfurt on Lufthansa in April. They weighed the carry on, but did not weigh the checked bag. They weighed both on the intra- European flights and the departing flight home.

    • Sunflower

      I flew Austin to Frankfurt in Lufthansa business class last week and they checked the weight of my carryon. I was shocked when they told me to move some of the contents of my carryon to my checked bag. And I was barely over the limit!

  18. Pain patients

    SIL was in a bad accident a while ago. I get that she was / is in a lot of pain and takes opiates just to function (and not recreationally). She has moved in with my elderly MIL, more as a companion and to help SIL financially (MIL has a large house and does not want to leave it). MIL still drives. Should SIL be driving? I was surprised that she was driving and DH and I were worried that if SIL drives MIL (or even just herself) and has any sort of accident, she will be at fault. I’m not sure if she is officially impaired (or perhaps per se impaired). But it is concerning (along with the fact that apparently everyone but me also seems to be smoking weed now), esp. for MIL riding with her. [I used to date an eye surgeon who said that his legally blind patients drove themselves not only to routine appointments but to surgeries with no other driver to manage the trip home, so I’m not sure why this is so surprising to me.]

    SIL and MIL have some transit options, but they are not for people getting around in densely-packed inner ring suburb of big city but for people going into the city and back for work commutes. [Never mind SIL’s job.]

      • Anonymous

        FWIW, I was on co-tylenol once and the doctor forbade me to drive. For a week, I could adjust. For long-term patients, it would be like people who lose your license for various reasons (DUIs, etc.) and would likely require a lot of life adjustments.

    • anonymous

      This is really an issue for your SIL/her physicians to evaluate. Many chronic pain patients take opioids on a regular basis and can drive safely. Strangers on the internet cannot assess your SIL’s state. She wouldn’t be liable automatically because she is taking prescribed pain medication– there is no per se impairment.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 Using opioids for pain management does not mean she’s impaired. If OP said her SIL is abusing opioids, different story.

    • Anon

      What’s your relationship with your in laws like? Because this sounds like the kind of thing you should stay out of, unless you’re very close.

      • anonymous

        This. And, based on personal experience, butting into someone’s pain management can get ugly really, really quickly. Especially when the person butting in doesn’t know anything about chronic pain management in general and is not very familiar with the person’s medical care.

    • Anon

      My FIL takes opioids every day of his life for chronic pain and is not impaired. He run errands in town, drives across 4 states to visit his grandbaby, etc. My grandmother takes opioids every day for chronic pain and I can assure you, my 96 year old grandmother is not high or impaired. My aunt takes opioids every day for chronic pain and is my grandmother’s caretaker! Get the picture?

      Opioids do not get you high in the impaired sense. They block pain, so people feel better when taking them – so it’s that combined with an addictive chemical structure makes them addictive. They’re marvelous drugs and are so necessary for millions of people who otherwise suffer with chronic pain. You probably know people who take them and don’t know it – people with multiple back surgeries, etc.

      • Anon

        This is irresponsible. Opioids do get you high, that is why casual users take them! Come on. Don’t lie just because you’re defensive about opioid usage in your loved ones and/or yourself.

        To OP – It really depends on how much one is talking.

        Just know that the body becomes immune to the pain relieving effects of opioids so long term users tend to need to ramp up their dosage over time, and that’s often when the side effects like delayed reaction time and the “high” become problematic. It varies by individual.

        • Anon

          Yes, this. It doesn’t make you a terrible person that you have chronic pain and take opioids. But it’s so naive to suggest you don’t get a high or that it’s impossible to be impaired due to opioids. It absolutely is possible. Anon at 7:24 is right that it depends on the dose and other info we don’t have.

  19. Anon

    Just on the tights issue. I wear navy tights and navy shoes with navy. I like both of them to be a very dark midnight navy.

    Before I found dark navy shoes, I mostly wore navy in warmer months when I didn’t need tights. So navy was my summer neutral and black/charcoal were my winter neutrals. I still lean more toward black in truly cold weather. (Full disclosure, I’m a Californian, but I work in NYC a lot.)

    • Jeffiner

      I have very little black in my wardrobe, but lots of navy. My shoes are all black, though. I’ll usually wear either navy or charcoal grey tights.

  20. Anon

    What do you do when you just do NOT want to work — or do anything for that matter? I know people always say that’s a sign of depression but IDK. I’m not discontent in any way just super comfortable doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching hallmark movies or reading.

    Problem is I’m only 39 – so it’s not like I’m 59 and know I only need to grind out a few more years at work. Other problem is I KNOW I need to move on from my job — yet at this job I get away with doing little. Any place else will come with more deadlines, pressure, establishing a good reputation up front. This is throwing me because I’ve always been (like everyone here) that type A go getter, Ivy League, working a million hrs at my last job etc. I know my last job burned me out, which is why I took a step back in growth/responsibility etc to the current one. But if I don’t dive back in (maybe not at the level I was at but something more than my current level), I won’t be able to which will hinder my long term career/earnings – which are important as a single person. But IDK how to light the fire again? I keep pushing it back – like 4-6more months and then I’ll figure stuff out and next time you look up, multiple years go by . . . .

    • Anon

      This is so me. My job isn’t quite as chill as yours though and I have a (easygoing) kid who’s with me part time, but in my off hours all I want to do is read a book on my couch with a cup of tea. I get my housework done with some effort, and have recently forced myself to start exercising, but… yeah still the same.

    • In-House in Houston

      Could you set some small goals? With any new project (a new hobby or exercise) it usually helps to start gradually and not go cold turkey. So maybe one new thing each week – update your resume, go to one networking event, contact one person who might have a lead on a job for you, do one new thing at your current job outside of your current role…I mean baby steps. I’m a lot like you…I’m perfectly content to sit at home and watch Bravo with my dog on my lap. I have a husband who is really high energy so I usually feel really lazy around him when I do this, but we’ve been married a long time and he knows I need this time. You’re not alone in this, but I agree you’re too young and need to do something.

    • Anon

      so if you are happy/content with this there is no reason to do anything and in some ways i think you are creating a problem out of nothing. people change. your motivations/goals are allowed to change. the only reason to do something would be because it sounds like you might be concerned about your ability to save for retirement? maybe take a look at your finances to try to identify whether this is something you should be concerned about, but otherwise, enjoy being content! in our society the people pegged as role models are always those doing a million things and trying to do more, but there is no reason you have to live your life that way if you do not want to. as a fellow type A, ivy league graduate, it has been a hard mindset shift

      • Anon

        +1. I wanted to write this, but couldn’t articulate this well.There is nothing wrong with being content. In fact it is a very hard thing to achieve for majority of the population. I am almost in your state and I am happy about it :-).

  21. AnonTechie

    A coworker from a team that I “supervised” but not managed (so i was responsible for the defining and the team’s deliverables and the timing of those but not the manager of the team) asked me if i was “hitting on him” The answer was/is No. Also No, I am happily married and often mention my spouse and child. I apologised that he felt that way, and he said that he didnt mind (!!!!!) followed by “oh i’m a horrible person”. I do not currently supervise that team but there are org plans to have part of that team move to the team i supervise.

    However, this has me a bit shaken. I’ve always worked on super specialized and very technical teams where most people have more than 6 years of post-secondary education and have adopted a style of running teams that can be summarized by the netflix motto of “context not control” and so am less prescriptive than most people in my role. I’ve found this to be effective and also much lower stress because my teams typically return the favor by always keeping me informed.

    fwiw, this person is the stereotypical scientist/engineer and has often claimed to suck at social cues. I do not even know if i should take the whole thing with a pinch of salt or actually worry about people wondering if i am romantically interested in them.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yeah and next time don’t apologize for his totes inappropes feelings/actions. Ugh.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I would put this situation in an email to yourself, and if your company is chill enough to just put it in your file without action, send it to HR as a CYA. This might be a one off him not reading social cues, but he could lodge a complaint against you so it’s best to get your story in writing as it develops.

    • Anon

      He either cannot read social cues, or he is interested in you and was doing the immature thing of trying to turn it back on you, to suss out if you were into him.

      • Anon

        Yeah, this. I would really move on from it – take with a grain of salt. Next time don’t apologize – his read on the situation was wildly off base. You did nothing wrong here.

  22. Vicky Austin

    What bras do we like lately? No particular needs (flat as a board, lol), just haven’t bought new ones since college and want to upgrade. TIA!

    • Cb

      I’m flat as a board and I love the Sloggi bras. I have one of the more structured ones (Zero something?) and the bralette and they are both incredibly comfortable. I bought the weird colours on sale as Asos.

    • Anon

      If you’re truly flat, why not try going without or wearing a comfortable camisole? Going braless is one of the joys in my life, but I can’t do that at work with my cup size.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I’m a small B and I have recently given up on underwires. I really like the “Hanes Women’s Convertible Seamless Wire Free Bra”on the Am@zon. My typical band size is 38 and a large fits me.

    • ER

      I am truly flat as a board. I have been liking Third Love in size AA. I have found most bra manufacturers don’t carry sizes that are small enough to be supportive. I wear more low-impact sports bras sometimes, which is comfortable and flattering on my body type.

    • eertmeert

      I love Natori Feathers. Really, anything Natori. I recently got fitted at Nordstrom and bought a bunch. The feathers is great for less endowed ladies, and they are pretty and feminine.

  23. New tote bag

    I’m looking for a tote bad with a trolley sleeve, that is big enough for my computer and some files, with a few internal pockets for organizing. Any ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Bought a Tumi last year that I love. It has a padded computer pocket, two other zippered pockets, a couple of internal pockets, the luggage sleeve and an orange lining that makes me smile. I bought it at one of their outlets and I suspect it is a “made for the outlet” style. I love it.

    • MJ

      Victornox Divine Tote or any of their other totes. They are amazing and waaaaaay cheaper than Tumi and look and wear better, IME.

  24. GC

    It’s not a bad looking dress by any means, and it works well in a workplace setting — Simple and not over-the-top. The plum variant is also very nice and works for situations outside of work, if you want to stand out in the room — both are at least 8.5/10 in my book.

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