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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I'm pretty sure we've featured this dress from Lark & Ro before in regular sizes — but the plus-size version looks great and is highly rated at Amazon. (Their description says this “new and improved version of [their] best-selling wrap dress” was made in response to customer feedback.) For a $45 dress that's machine washable and comes in a ton of colors and a wide size range, it's definitely worth a try if you're on the hunt. Note that it's a true wrap dress, not a faux wrap. The dress is available in sizes 1X–5X and is eligible for Prime and free returns (and Prime Wardrobe as well). Lark & Ro Plus-Size Classic Cap-Sleeve Wrap Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Date brands
I recently started dating someone new, and realized that my date outfits need some updating. I have my favorite stores/brands for work clothes and casual weekend clothes, but am having a tough time finding stores that reliably have good date clothing options. Where do you shop for date outfits?
cat socks
My idea of a date night outfit would be skinny jeans and a fun top – so I would recommend Nordstrom Rack or Express. On the Express website they even have a category for “Going Out Tops”.
Anonymous
My favorite date night dresses have been from Express and Ross (takes some digging, but I found a really cute, flattering little black dress there.)
Anon
Antonio Melani at Dillard’s.
Job Hunting Again
How long do I need to be at a job, before it’s acceptable to start applying for other jobs? I went from 4.5 years in BigLaw, to a government job that I don’t see as a good fit in the long term (it’s fine, but I find the work boring and want something that better fits my skill set, pref still in government- there are a few other agencies I have my eye on). Is 6 months long enough before starting to put out applications? Do I need to wait a year?
Anonymous
Not this time. You’re allowed to have one “it’s not a good fit” between jobs of longer tenure. Just don’t do it 2-3 times in a row or it’ll appear that YOU are the bad fit!
Anonymous
Total anecdata, but even if you do this, it’s not totally the end of the world like people make it out to be. It does shut you out of more conservative companies, but there are plenty of people in hiring positions (especially in the tech/start up world) who themselves have gone through periods of job hopping and will give you an opportunity to speak to it, especially if you’ve gained valuable and diverse experience during the process.
Anonymous
This. In the Bay Area, that’s a long tenure.
Anonymous
Start-ups are their own microcosm, though. I think it also really depends on the function. My job can take 1.5-2 years to really ramp up and have someone trained. So a history of constant 2 years job hops isn’t a good indicator here (just long enough to start something, but not finish).
So – I’d say acceptable job-hopping timeframes are pretty industry specific
Houda
Unless there are major red flags like health impact, fear for your safety etc. I’d stay at least a year, ideally 2 years in a job before moving on.
Anonymous
You should wait. This job is fine. You aren’t truly suffering. Don’t be in a position where you jump from here because it’s just kinda blah and then struggle to leave somewhere really horrible.
Anonymous
It could take you months to find a better fit so I would start now, imo.
Anondc
Yes especially if youre looking to stay in government – the hiring process for some agencies can take monthsss
Senior Attorney
I agree with this, and also agree with “you are allowed one bad fit” before it starts making you look like a job-hopper.
Mpls
I think it’s okay to start looking. If you find something that’s too good to pass up, or you KNOW (really really know) you won’t leave for 3-4 years, then sure, apply. But I would be really picky about what you apply for in the next 12 months. As you get closer to the two year mark, maybe open up your criteria a bit?
Who knows, maybe in the meantime, your current work will get more interesting?
Anonymous
I agree with this.
Leatty
I don’t think there is anything wrong with brushing up your resume and beginning your search, but I would only apply to jobs that are too good to pass up. Once you reach the one year mark, you could expand your search. FWIW, once I had been at my last job (where I was utterly miserable) for 8 months, I applied to my current job. The hiring process took roughly 5 months, so I didn’t leave that job until I had been there for over a year. My current job is absolutely wonderful, and I’m so glad I didn’t pass it up.
Law Firm Careers
I am coming up on my seventh year at my law firm. It’s in a medium-sized city with about 35 attorneys. Soon, I will need to decide whether I want to continue as an associate (which is generally a good enough situation with tons of flexibility), become a partner (where being successful heavily relies on bringing in my own clients in my firm’s ‘eat what you kill’ structure), or deciding that it is time to move on. My issue is that if I stay in a law firm (not just mine), I’m having a really difficult time seeing how the work becomes more challenging and I grow/develop over the long term. I feel like the duties and responsibilities of law firm attorneys don’t really change much over time (which might be much more true in my size of firm versus BigLaw), and it is hard to imagine not having new responsibilities and challenges over the next 25+ years.
With that, my question is for folks who have stayed in law firms long-term. How have you and your career grown/changed/developed over time? What things or structure has your firm had in place that made that growth happen? Thank you!
mascot
What kind of law do you practice? I work on a lot of different matters within the same industry so my day to day work varies greatly and I am constantly adding to my knowledge base. It may be different if I was doing a high volume, but more repetitive practice area where matters all look the same. Do you have any of your own clients yet? Are you running your own cases/deals from start to finish? Managing the work of other lawyers? All of that makes the work more challenging in my experience when you realize that you are the one that clients are coming to handle their issues.
OP
Thanks! I’m hesitant to give my practice area, because I’m going to give some more info below, and it’s getting pretty detailed. But I will say that I practice in a very specific area, but work on matters across lots of different industries. I wouldn’t call it a high volume, repetitive area. I have only a few of my own clients and have run a handful of cases from start to finish. I’ve also managed a clerk, now associate. With a few exceptions, I’m not the one that clients come to.
Senior Attorney
In a law firm, the duties and responsibilities become more business-owner-ish and less practicing-law-ish. As you noted, if you become a partner you will have to devote a ton of time and energy to business development, firm management, and so on. My husband has his own firm with just one partner and he spends at least half his time on matters as diverse as technology, personnel, and facilities. And marketing. Always marketing. If you are not up for that kind of thing, you need to be something other than a law firm partner.
OP
Thanks! Part of my hesitation is that I work remotely for an office that is about three hours away. (After a move due to my husband’s work.) I’m just not sure how much it makes sense (or how much engagement I have) to being a business owner in a business that far away. I could work on business development in my new area, but I’m not really passionate about it. And in reality, I’m just not sure how successful it’ll be to start from scratch in the sense that my firm has little to zero name recognition here, and I’d be starting over to make a name for myself and connections. I’m just not sure I want to wait that long.
Anonymous
I’ve tried this dress on (though not the plus size version). I really wanted to love it for all of the reasons mentioned above, but the cut didn’t work for me. It was way too low cut and drapey on top and then the wrap part on the bottom is a little shorter in front, which would’ve made for some potentially NSFW situations when sitting down.
Anonymous
I’ve found L&R dresses generally to be really short. And I am not tall.
Anon
I would be ordering this right now if it weren’t above the model’s knees.
One day in Pittsburgh - what should I do?!
Morning, guys! I will have a free afternoon and evening next week after a conference in Pittsburgh. I have never been to west PA before! Where should I go and what should i2 do? I appreciate recommendations!
Anonymous
My company HQ is in PBG, so not a native, but I know a bit about it.
1. Watch Silence of the Lambs — it was shot there (not Baltimore)
2. Check to see what sports teams are playing. That town is mad about sports and I’d love to watch anything live there just for the people + beer.
3. I like wandering around CMU (which is mentioned in the Hamilton Mixtape’s version of My Shot)
lsw
Hey! Welcome! What neighborhood will you be in? Downtown? What kind of things do you like to do? I love Pittsburgh and I’m also happy to talk it up.
Without any information at all on where you are or what you like, my absolute favorite bar in the city is Hidden Harbor, so go there. Haha.
Anonymous
Pittsburgh-area ‘rette here. What types of things interest you? Museums
(Carnegie museum of art, Andy Warhol museum, Heinz history center)? Animals (Pittsburgh has both a great zoo, the national aviary, and the museum of natural history)? Gardens? (Phipps conservatory in Schenley park). There is a beautiful view and some good restaurants on top of Mt. Washington (Altius).
Carrots
Former Pittsburgher here , so agree with LSW, depends on what part of town you’re in.
Dark Knight would also be a good one for Pittsburgh scenes or the Perks of being a Wallflower (they had a lot of news segments about not doing the arms outspread thing in the tunnel when that came out…). Flashdance as well – though the city has definitely developed since then!
If downtown, definitely walk down to the Point – it’s a great little park and it’s cool to see the Three Rivers. Also look at taking one of the Inclines up to Mount Washington (though you’ll need exact change for it – $2.75 one way, though I forget what the amount is for a round trip). There’s a couple of good restaurants (plus an awesome bakery) up there, so you can go right when you’re done, check out some views, get some food, and then see them again at night, and head back down.
Sports would be touch and go this time of year – hockey hasn’t started up and I don’t know what the Pirates end of year schedule looks like. But if the Pirates have a home game, they usually have some good seats available up until first pitch that are cheap – like $15 cheap I’ve found for very back of the stadium.
If you want more, hit me up at britbrit1228 at the google!
KonMari Addict
I’m coming out of a difficult period in my life, during which my work definitely suffered. There was considerable staring-into-space time during this period. I need to get back on track, and in fact catch up on some of the work that I’ve let suffer. But after months of the above, I’m having an impossible time concentrating for long periods. Any advice on how to relearn focus?
Houda
I had something similar happen. It helps to have a “reset” day where you don’t worry about being productive in terms of work output. You just draft an outline for everything that needs to be done in the next 3 months, then you go to the next level of detail. Once you have some clear deliverables, you setup your work environment for focus: deep clean your desk, fill you water bottle to the max, get noise cancelling headphones if your work allows, and set a timer. I have ADD so every bit helps.
In the first days set your timer for 30 min then 5 min break a la pomodoro method and don’t feel bad about it. You can increase the ratio of focus to break after few days as you build your concentration muscles.
If need be, let your colleagues know that you are in crunch mode so they don’t feel offended that you are into your world.
Don’t beat yourself up if your mind wanders; keep a notebook to download all those fleeting thoughts so they don’t fog up your brain, no thought is too small to be written down.
Stay hydrated and reward yourself often. You got this :)
Coach Laura
This is great advice, Houda!
Mamá Coco
In a similar situation, the Pomodoro Technique has really helped me. Even if I use a really really lax version of it, focus 20 space out 10. I’ve slowly ramped up the focus time while giving myself grace that I can’t go from point Z to point A immediately, even if I really want to. Good luck and we are here for support!
cat socks
Try the Pomodoro method where you focus on a task for 20-25 minutes and then take a break. If you have a huge amount of work to complete, break it down into smaller, more specific tasks.
Anonymous
I find making lists helpful, including one of what is priority for that day. Then I don’t spend time wondering what to do. When I get in I force myself to do something on the list, and then go from there. If I get stuck because the project is too large I break it down on my list and then find I can tackle the pieces.
Anonymous
I’ve recently been studying for the LSAT, so learning how to concentrate for long periods has been at the forefront of my life. Especially after being in the workforce for a few years, re-learning how to take a standardized test. The thing that has helped the most is practice. And I practice by reading articles with no interruptions. Stopping immediately when I realize my mind has drifted off, and starting over.
Also, I’ve found that Yoga has helped my ability to concentrate. Meditation flushes my brain of all the stupid stuff I worry about, and its easier for me to concentrate afterward. It is all practice. Sadly.
I think challenging yourself to get a deliverable done in a certain amount of time might help you to prioritize it and get the ball rolling. Focus on deliverables, then when you get better focus on those move to the more abstract.
Cb
I’ve been making some amazing progress with the Pomodoro app this week. I’m going to up the timing a bit next week.
KonMari Addict
Thank you all! I will try the Pomodoro technique – I used it successfully in Law School but completely forgot about it.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
One of the ways I practice intense focus is by reading. If I’m regularly reading longer and more complicated books for extended amounts of time I can translate that to work. When I read I turn off my phone – no interruptions is key. Any activity that has you focusing on one specific thing for a long time can be a useful practice.
And when I really need to up my focus game I turn off all notifications, close my email and silence my phone. I keep the internet on so I can look for things but no browsing allowed until break time. This plus pomodoro works really well for me. I am coming back from the same type of situation – it can be done! And don’t be super hard on yourself.
Tubes
Has anyone here had a laparoscopic tubal ligation?
I’m a married, childless-by-choice 34 year old. I don’t mind my IUD, but did have a recent ectopic pregnancy scare and I just don’t want to deal with that in the future. (H has reasons I support for why a vasectomy wouldn’t be the best choice.)
How was your recovery? Would it interfere with having a hysterectomy later? (Cancer runs in my family, but at 34 I don’t quite feel ready for surgical menopause, you know?)
Sunflower
I’m childless by choice. Several years ago I had a laparoscopic tubal ligation and it was so easy. I went to an outpatient surgical center at 7:00 a.m. and was at home eating lunch by noon. I did it on a Thursday, took Friday off, and was back at work on Monday. I had a prescription for pain pills but only took one on the day of the surgery because I was ready to drink champagne and celebrate by the next day. Life is so much easier when you don’t have to worry about birth control!
Anonymous
I also am curious. I am a 27 who has worse periods on the IUD, and am considering options for when my iud gets taken out in a few years. Are periods after tubal the same as without any bc? Has anyone had a pre-menopause hysterectomy?
Anonymous
Yes, I had a hysterectomy at 30 for emergency medical reasons. Would not recommend as birth control without significant other medical issues that would make it desirable.
They remove your cervix along with your uterus and Fallopian tubes. Losing your cervix makes ‘gardening’ significantly more challenging and has other side effects like permanently adjusting the pH of your system and making you more susceptible to yeast infections.
They’re a life changing surgery for some but absolutely not something I would suggest for purely BC purposes.
Anon
The Mirena IUD tends to lighten not make worse periods, so if you have the non-hormonal IUD, Mirena is a good option.
Anon
Don’t get a hysterectomy if you don’t need one. Look into utérine ablation.
anon
I had a hysterectomy for other medical reasons. They left my ovaries which so far appear to still be working, no menopause yet. (It’s been a year since surgery). They did take my cervix/uterus/tubes. Other than the healing period, I haven’t noticed any particularly difference with gardening. It’s certainly not “harder” to garden. I still have org*sms same as before. I’m not saying some people don’t have those issues, but they are definitely not a given.
Anon
Yes I had a tubal, done laparoscopically. It was a piece of cake. I went in first thing in the morning, was out before noon, took a couple of naps that afternoon, resumed all mommy duties the next day (I had a newborn) and went back to work after the weekend. I love that I never have to worry about it.
HappilySterileAnon
I got a laparoscopic tubal a couple of years ago (early 30s, childfree) and it was a piece of cake. I was nervous because I’d never had surgery before, but it was really no big deal. I was home that afternoon and spent a couple of days on the couch. The worst part was an air bubble settling in my shoulder that took a while to reabsorb, but a heating pad helped that a lot and I never even had to take the painkillers I was prescribed.
I don’t see how it could possibly interfere with a hysterectomy if you eventually needed one, but with a family history of cancer you may want to look into a total salpingectomy instead of just a tubal. Lots of reproductive cancers start in the falloian tubes, and that would lower your cancer risk a bit. It wouldn’t be covered at 100% because it’s not considered birth control, but you may be able to get your insurance to cover it in your case.
Anon
I forgot about the air bubble. I had that too. It felt like I had a stiff neck for a couple of days. (Still better than worrying about getting pregnant though!)
Pale Girl Snorkeling
I had a hysterectomy at 29 after 14 years of painful periods that just kept getting worse. It took seeing the same doctor even couple of months for 3 years before I could find a doctor to do it and get insurance to cover it. That said, it was the best thing I’ve done for my health. I kept my ovaries so I don’t need hormone pills but everything else went. Recovery was not easy (partly because I was so sick when I had surgery), it was 6 weeks before I could work part time, which is why I did at the end of the spring semester. By the start of fall term I was close to normal. There were some gardening challenges as part of my healing process but within a few months my gardening life was better than ever because I no longer had to worry about any forms of birth control. Having been on something since I was 16 it was really freeing and added some spice to my life that I wasn’t expecting.
Yeast
Advice for minimizing the itching down there from a yeast infection? I’m pretty sure this will clear up on its own, so I don’t want the nuclear tactics from the drug store. But in the meantime…gah!
Anonymous
Yes. Treat it. With medicine.
Anonymous
That’s what medication is for.
Anon
Why are you doing this to yourself? A short course of OTC medicine will treat it. And they don’t always go away on their own. Drug store treatment is far from the nuclear option – its the first run treatment and mild. They even have some one day and three day treatments. Maybe avoid the one day as that has stronger chemical concentrations and can burn a bit (ask me how I know).
anon
Pretty sure that Vagisil doesn’t contain any nuclear source material or spent nuclear fuel, if that’s what you’re worried about. It also works!
Eh
Monistat or some OTC cream is really not a nuclear tactic… they come with cooling cream that will help with the itch even if you don’t want to use the medicine part. But you should use the medicine part.
Anonymous
I think they can linger without medicine, unfortunately. Some women use yogurt with acidophilus, but it’s not clinically proven and I’m not sure that would work so well if you have to leave the house.
Anon
Medicine. From the drugstore.
lyssa
try sticking a clove of garlic (peeled, but be careful not to cut into the garlic clove itself) up there. This works if it’s a mild-ish one.
Anonymous
No. Don’t stick food in your vag!na. There are very few things that you should stick there, and food is not one of them.
lyssa
it’s not food, dude. the fact that garlic can be eaten (although rarely do we eat full raw cloves) does not make this at all like “sticking food in your *.” garlic has well-known anti-fungal properties, and this is a common natural treatment. I’ve also found it less irritating than many other YI treatments (e.g. monistat can be incredibly uncomfortable. I wouldn’t recommend this for a full-blown infection, but it often clears up lesser ones.
And Peggy
Why don’t you treat it? It might not go away on its own, it’s totally worth a short course of Monistat, or calling your gyno and asking for that magic pill that’ll knock it out in one day (totally blanking on the name).
Look, I’m not one to run to the drugstore or reach for the medicine cabinet every time I have a minor ache, pain, or itch, but a yeast infection is worth treating. College Me tried to wait out her first one, but Vagisil did nothing, wipes only made it burn, by the time I saw a doctor, she remarked “oh yeah, it looks angry,” and after confirming it with a test, actually gave me two doses of the medicine because she worried one wouldn’t be enough. And that was after months of agonizing itch and wanting to straddle a snowman to feel better. I don’t recommend waiting.
BabyAssociate
Fluconazole. But yes, agreed. Get some medication for this, OP. I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t.
OP
I have serious medical issues affecting that area, which despite consulting multiple specialists, I’ve only been able to effectively live with by carefully balancing my natural immune system and digestive chemistry.
TLDR: Trust me, I’m not stupid and I do have reasons.
Anon
Sounds like you might be a candidate for the plain yogurt or garlic clove remedies if you’re anti-OTC. I’ve heard mixed reviews but at least a few positive ones, especially for the yogurt.
cbackson
Is boric acid an option for you given the health issues you mention? I’ve used it very successfully for YIs (and in fact, it’s my first-line treatment).
anonish
+1 same
Pale Girl Snorkeling
If you can tolerate it, the external Monistat cream really helps in relieving symptons. And if this an ongoing issue for you its worth getting help. I thought they were just a fact of my life until I was talking with my OB (same one that did my hysterectomy) and he was able to help me so much. I went from one or two a month to only having them after the strongest antibiotics
Anonymous
You don’t have to take an internal (diflucan, my one true love) drug — monistat is a similar anti-fungal and works topically. the one or three-day ones are “more intense” than a longer course, so if you want something gentle try a 5 or 7 day. Plus they come with an external anti-itch cream and usually a numbing agent. OTC is the first line of defense.
Shoving garlic or yogurt up there has no proven benefits so, I wouldn’t recommend that but you do you.
OP
Thanks, I’ll look into these unconventional option.
Anon document formatter?
Friends, please send me your good vibes for getting through the day. I have done really good kick-a$$ work all week, but instead of saying good job/thank you, my boss called a meeting to discuss line spacing in a document this afternoon… I think she doesn’t remember that she told me months ago to do things not as shown in the template, but there is of course no good way to point this out to her, and the whole thing is just so Office Space disheartening. Can the weekend come soon enough?
Wanderlust
Meeting to discuss line spacing in a document? Time to have a meeting with yourself to discuss line spacing in your new, shiny, updated resume which you should begin to send out.
Anon document formatter?
Dying laughing, thank you!
FormerlyPhilly
+1 Totally
Fishie
+1
Anon
High five.
Anonymous
+10000
Anonymous
Good vibes.
Trust your instincts, but I’d just deadpan that she told you to do this. Also, no man I work with would do anything but roll his eyes at this. Also, isn’t that what the guy does in office space? And they love him for it?
Also, you might want to check job postings on Monday.
No way
NOAP
I absolutely work with now – and have worked with in the past – MANY MEN who would absolutely be as petty about line spacing.
this ain’t a manVSwoman thing, this is a petty, triflin’ human thing.
Anonymous
I meant a man in the op’s position, not her boss would role his eyes at a meeting over line spacing after doing great work all week. Agree with you that men can be equally petty.
Anon
That’s not what she was saying.
Anon
Hugs, I came from an organization that spent a stupid amount of time on the look of power points. So depressing. It’s them, not you
No Problem
There isn’t “no good way.” When she says the line spacing doesn’t match the template, pull out your notes/email/wherever this decision was documented and remind her that she asked you to do it differently. “Hmm, when we talked in May about this task, you asked me to do the spacing like X instead of the template. That’s how I formatted the document, but I can change it to match the template if you’ve changed your mind.”
Senior Attorney
This.
And then for sure start looking.
Anon
Yeah, you gotta tell her. At the very least she’ll think twice about pulling you in about something like this next time.
NYC!
Fun Friday topic for y’all. My husband and I are going on a kid-free anniversary weekend trip to NYC. We are combining our getaway with a family member’s wedding, so will be based in Brooklyn because the wedding is in the Prospect Park boathouse.
– We are on a budget, so not interested in fancypants shopping I can’t get elsewhere or super-pricey food.
– We’ve both seen the typical NYC sights like the statue of liberty, Met, empire state building, etc. I have not been to MoMA so that’s #1 on our list.
What should we do? I’d love recs for bookstores and interesting budget-friendly restaurants especially. And recs for breakfast places and other things you love close to Prospect Park, since that’s where we are staying.
Anonymous
If the weather is nice, walk over the Brooklyn Bridge!
Wanderlust
Dekalb Food Hall is new and has a ton of different vendors to check out. It’s only a few stops away from Prospect Park, or walkable even if it’s a nice day.
blue
I am the anon from yesterday whose recently long distance boyfriend suddenly needs space to make up his mind about our relationship. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your supportive comments yesterday, which made me feel a bit stronger.
I totally understand why a lot of people think he is being a selfish jerk (trust me) but am not done hoping that things can and will work out.
He told me he is ready to talk tonight, not sure if it is a good sign or a bad sign or what to think or how I will respond or anything really, but that’s the update. In the meantime, any tips or internet hugs are welcome. :(
Anonymous
oops, sorry NYC…not sure how I posted in your thread!
anon
Good luck. I was thinking of you this morning. Please keep us posted.
Anonymous
Sorry, that really stinks. I’ve been there, I know how awful it is, and what it is to want to be with someone who is far from perfect despite all rational thought. Whatever happens, you’re going to get through it.
blue
Thanks (again) to you both.
blue
Which side of the park? On the Park Slope side I like Rosewater and Kiwiana and Gristmill for brunch.
I love the High Line if you want to try a new park.
anne-on
I’d totally hit the Strand after grabbing brunch in/around Union Square Farmers Market. I can easily kill a few hours there. If you’re into art I would also hit the Frick on the same day you do MoMa (its small, so you can probably do both in the same day). There is a really good sushi place right behind MoMa on the north side, but if you can swing it the Modern is one of my favorite places to eat in NY. Sit at the bar, get a fancy drink and an app maybe? I would also hit up the clay pot in Brooklyn if you like jewelry but there are so many cute boutiques where you’re staying that you’ll have fun browsing regardless.
Park Slope has LOADS of good food – imho 5th avenue has better choices than 7th avenue (except for Fonda, which I LUUURVE). Al di la and Stone Park Bistro are both good, but you’ll be spoiled for choice in that area – ask your hosts/concierge.
Anonymous
If you want a super cute local children’s bookstore, there is a place called Stories (storiesbk DOT com) that’s pretty close to Prospect Park.
Ella
The Brooklyn Museum of Art and Brooklyn Botanical Gardens are both awesome and not far from where you’re staying.
Anonymous
I think you should explore Brooklyn! It’s by definition more low key than manhattan and perfect for cheaper (not much in ny is cheap) yummy eats.
If you’re down for an urban hike you can schlep from prospect park to the promenade on foot. That will take you through park slope, gowans, Carroll gardens, cobble hill And Brooklyn heights. Four out of five of these ‘hoods are perfect for scoping cafes/bakeries/ homemade ice cream shops. You can’t go too wrong. Alternatively, just head to Brooklyn brige park. The views are pretty incredible.
There’s a Thai place called joya on court street in carrol gardens/ cobble hill that I used to love for a swanky night out on a budget. Food was excellent and iirc it was cash and no reservations.
Also, mile end on Atlantic is really amazing. they have Canadian style Jewish food and their smoked salmon bialy is my favorite thing to eat for breakfast in Brooklyn. But you’re in Brooklyn, so the right breakfast answer is usually a bagel!
Also, don’t forget to eat some famous Brooklyn pizza. The line is part of the experience!
Senior Attorney
I love the Lower East Side Tenement Museum. And there’s a good and not too expensive Vietnamese restaurant just down the block called An Choi.
Anonymous
Take the subway to Coney Island and ride the Wonder Wheel. Agree that BK Museum and Botanical Garden are worthwhile. Brooklyn Heights promenade is lovely, and there is a great cheap middle eastern place in Brooklyn Heights – Tutt Cafe. If you haven’t been to Dumbo you might enjoy walking down there and then south along the water through Brooklyn Bridge park. In Dumbo, Front Street pizza is great and cheap and no line (unlike Grimaldis, which is overrated). Governor’s Island is also a fun destination, but check ferry service ahead – it gets limited in the fall/spring. If you have never done it, the ferry to Staten Island is free and a nice scenic ride. The Museum of the American Indian in Lower Manhattan is a Smithsonian so free. Ditto for Cooper Hewitt I think. The Museum of Arts and Design in Columbus Circle tends to have interesting shows, and it isn’t massive.
Wanderl@st
Anyone else still in mod for every comment posted? Is it my username?
Anonymous
Nope, me too.
Senior Attorney
I still am. SO FRUSTRATING.
Cookbooks
Yes! Every. Single. Time.
Anon
I don’t think it’s your user name, because mine is just “Anon” and I have the same issue. Even with an email address.
Horse Crazy
I still am. And the email address doesn’t help.
NYCer
Me too.
SC
I still am. Every time. The email address doesn’t help.
Viva Las Megas
I paid off my student loans today! It took 10 years. Today is a good day.
Mrs. Jones
Congratulations! I hope you celebrate this weekend.
Never too many shoes...
Amazing.
Paging Shots! Shots! Shots! or my good friend, Prosecco.
pugsnbourbon
Congrats! What an awesome accomplishment!
Cookbooks
Awesome! Congrats!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Congratulations!
Shenandoah
Congrats!! I wish more people felt comfortable with publicly celebrating it, because it is definitely an accomplishment.
Anonymous
You did it!!!
Anon
I am feeling super inadequate right now. I graduated from grad school a few months ago and I’m the only person from my cohort who hasn’t secured a full-time job yet (I did get one offer, but it was the wrong fit and would have paid me less than I was making before I went back to school). Then I look on LinkedIn and see that an acquaintance from my college days is basically like the genius version of me – same field and research interests, but Ivy League school, Rhodes Scholar, PhD at another Ivy League, 10 major publications, and much more, all while being two years younger than me. Ugh. I’m really happy everyone else is doing so well career-wise, but I thought I would be too by this point. Instead I’m unemployed and freaking out.
MJ
Be gentle on yourself when comparing. Comparing yourself to a Rhodes Scholar is absurd!
You will find something that’s great. Keep networking. Keep applying. You got this. The only way out is through, so go out and be the exceptional one yourself!
Anonymous
Comparison is the thief of joy. The same thing happens to me every so often. The worst was when I heard someone I competed against in high school being profiled on NPR because she had just won a MacArthur genius grant, for the activity in which we had both competed but that I had given up after college because I needed an actual job.
Who knows what advantages this kid you saw on LinkedIn had that you didn’t, or what challenges he faces that you don’t know about. All you can do is run your own race. And stay off of social media as much as possible.
Anonymous
If it makes you feel better, I went to an Ivy League school and all my classmates are doing amazing things. Some of them have been in the national news and a couple are boldface names that many people would recognize. I enjoy my job and it pays me enough for the lifestyle I want, but I definitely struggle with feelings on inadequacy because I’m not doing the newsworthy things they are.
Anonymous
As a class of ’08 grad I can tell you, these few months are a blip on the calendar. Don’t sweat it, you’ll find something!
And I’d echo the chorus suggesting moderation in your social media use. I gave up facebook the day my ex got together w/ a beautiful, incredibly wealthy, Rhodes scholar–and I couldn’t unfriend her because I genuinely liked her so much!
Anon
This dress is from an Amazon brand but not eligible for Prime. Honestly I’m not going to get it in protest of that dumb*ss fact. I don’t have this dress but I’ve worn Lark & Ro in the past and their stuff wears like your average dress from Marshalls (from the no name but okayish brands, not an offbrand Calvin Klein).
Anonymous
It is Prime eligible for me.
Anon
It isn’t for me. Now I’m wondering why Prime is showing up differently on two separate accounts. Are there multiple levels of membership for Prime? I was logged in, so it definitely should have shown up as Prime eligible.
Anonymous
So weird . What size/color is it?
Prime
Just wanted to chime in and say mine is also showing up that it is Prime eligible, and in fact is saying that it is sold exclusively to Prime members?!
Work Horse
I am obsessed with my job and wonder if other people who have been there have any suggestions.
Pros: I work for a mission-driven non-profit and am very passionate about what I do. I get great performance feedback and have moved up quickly. I feel like all my skills and aptitudes are put to good use. I am never bored or apathetic about work. I have a pretty quiet social life, and am single with no kids, so work is especially important as an outlet. (Yes, I know this last bit is a concern in itself…) I do take good care of myself, and get enough sleep and time off.
Cons: I get aggravated when I don’t think things are done correctly in my department. I take the frustration home sometimes. I often resent coworkers for doing what I perceive as less of a good job or not being as attentive. I want to be someone who is more mellow, but I just can’t. I often worry about how I am perceived–possibly as mean or unrealistically demanding, though no one has said this. I also worry (see above) that too much of my identity is invested in my career, but don’t know what to do about that.
Thoughts?
Anonymous
You’ve described two separate issues. One is that you’re placing outsized emphasis and identity in your job. The other is that you are frustrated and angry at people who don’t meet your standards.
The first issue requires that you develop a life outside work that is at least partially as compelling as your work.
The second requires that you put in some hard personal work to uncover where this trait in yourself is coming from. And yes, you can become more peaceful to be around.
Anon
Honestly, it sounds like you’re killing it and that you’d make a great thought leader at your organization. It’s not necessarily a good thing to hold onto resentment after the work day is over, but demanding high standards is important. If you can find a way to tone down the resentment and channel your energy into career growth and management then I think you’re all set.
pugsnbourbon
I know that “therapy” isn’t the answer to EVERY question, but I think it’s the answer to this one. I, too, tied up so much of my self-worth and identity in external validation. Until I really talked it through with a therapist, I couldn’t understand that my worth and identity are things that I create and control; they aren’t based off others’ approval of me or my accomplishments.
It sounds like you’re super driven and goal-oriented. If you’d rather not do therapy, could you take up a challenging hobby?
Anonymous
Hate to say it but you sound like you need a life. I’m all for crushing it at work when people do it for money, but for a “mission” — give me a break. You’re likely not well paid and have made work your life because you’re attached to some cause — I can imagine what people say about you behind your back after you’ve expressed “frustration.”
emeralds
OMG whyyyy do you still not understand that different people are motivated by (wait for it) different things.
anon
Can’t be any worse then what people keep saying to your proverbial face around here, anonymous. You are rude and horrible. Just go away. Go talk to your index funds if no one else will be your friend and leave us alone.
Anonymous
I have found that the only way to focus on work less if you have a challenging and engaging job is to have things outside of work to focus on. Maybe look at diverting some of your energy into close friendships or family relationships, hobbies or volunteering for other causes you are passionate about. When you have other concerns (“my a capella’s group’s concert is tomorrow!” or “my close friend had a medical procedure this week and needs support”), what Debbie in accounting does will bother you less.
Senior Attorney
My thoughts are as follows: It doesn’t matter if you are killing it at work if you are making the people who work with/for you feel bad about the job they are doing. It’s become a cliche, but Maya Angelou was right when she said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I am really involved in a service club, and there is a guy who is a great organizer and really makes things happen. Just crushes every project he is involved in. And you know what? He has such impossibly high standards that everybody who works with him ends up feeling kind of crappy about the experience. Instead of saying “Well done, everybody!” after a successful event, he’ll say “Well, I hope you all are happy about it. I’m never satisfied, myself.” And it just takes the wind out of everybody’s sails.
This year I am the president of the club, and I am making it my mission to make everybody feel great about what they’re doing. I give out prizes at every meeting, I send congratulatory emails, I make thank-you phone calls, I catch people doing good work and put it in the newsletter and on the Facebook page. If something slips through the cracks we fix it and move on. I totally get that I’m the one who’s the most invested but I’m cheerleading everybody along and they are respondingamazingly well to being killed with kindness. I’m happier than Mr. I’m Never Satisfied and I think the people I’m working with are happier, too. And our club is growing and we are doing a ton of good work.
So. I give you that, for what it’s worth. Also, therapy.
Anonymous
Making something in your personal life a priority really helps to develop an attitude of not being overly invested in work. If something goes wrong, you can tell yourself that your job is important but x is your real priority and at least that’s going well/you have control over that area.
ND
Coming from someone who has done non-profit and private sector work, your motivation sounds admirable and high standards are important, but you won’t be a great leader if you don’t bring out the best in other people. If your “high standards” are demotivating or needlessly demanding, then you need to take a step back. If they prompt people to do more and be better, you might be okay.
Dealtwiththis
I’m totally in the same boat as you. I work for my dream non-profit and am very passionate about the work that my org. does. I also came from a toxic environment before this job so I know how good we have it. It absolutely drives me bonkers when others don’t care as much or don’t put in as much as I do, especially because my boss in conflict-averse and lets it ride. It’s very frustrating for high performers. I have to remind myself that all I can do, is all I can do. It’s not my job to motivate or manage my co-workers and me sitting here and stewing about it isn’t going to change anything. I try really hard to keep myself in my own lane. My bosses think I’m doing awesome even though I feel we could all be doing much more if everyone was held to the same standard that I hold myself to. My advice is to focus on why you love the work that you do and remind yourself that you are lucky to be there and don’t focus on others.
Anon
You guys, I had the most r-e-t-t-e dream ever. I was at a Starbucks (something I don’t really do IRL) and I ordered a Ponte Shell, which was a coffee drink that was made like a chocolate-lined waffle cone – a paper cup with hardened coffee lining the sides and the barista poured in hot water to melt the coffee.
It looked disgusting to me, but there were all these well-dressed young women (YOU GUYS) around me telling me Ponte Shells were the best thing ever!
I swear I am not on drugs.
Anonymous
Haha, but did you have an internal debate about whether it was professional?
Anon
I should have. I don’t recall whether I had a ponytail holder on my wrist at the time.
Never too many shoes...
Dying.
I have to ask – would you take a Ponte Shell to a meeting?
Anonymous
Only if you had a professional waffle cone holder to put on your desk.
Anon
I don’t know! I rely on YOU GUYS to answer these important questions for me!
Anonymous
This is amazing.
Anonymous
I’m going straight to Starbucks and ordering a large Fleece Tights!
Anonanon
Excuse me, but I think you mean grande fleece tights!
Anon
No guys, ponte shells are at Starbucks and Fleece Tights are at Walgreens.
Anonymous
I kind of want a Ponte Shell! It sounds good but messy.
Anonymous
This.is.amazing.
Anonymous
I’m surprised it wasn’t served in a college-branded water bottle. Professional or nah?
lsw
I am dying; thank you for this on a Friday afternoon
Triangle Pose
I am…fascinated by the level of detail you remember in this dream…
Pangea
What are y’all wearing this fall, boot-wise? The dreary weather in Chicago (and a DSW coupon burning a hole in my pocket) have me boot shopping. What’s in style this year? What were your workhorses last year?
Anonymous
I think riding boots are “out of style” but that’s what I wear pretty much every day in fall/winter. We have harsh winters and they keep my legs much warmer than booties.
Anonymous
I plan on wearing black riding boots with black tights to work every.single.day this winter like I did last winter. (I found Fryes at Nordstrom Rack for $170 I think early in the season and wore the heck out of them.)
Jeans tucked into brown riding boots? I think that’s the look that has passed. I hardly touched my brown boots last year.
Horse Crazy
Do you wear dresses or tops/skirts with the boots and tights, or a mix of both? I wore a pencil skirt, tights, and boots yesterday and loved my outfit, and realized I want to do it more often, so I’m looking for inspiration. Thanks!
And Peggy
Last year my workhorses were:
– a pair of suede burgundy booties with a low block heel, I forget the brand, but they were from Kohls. I sort of regret not buying them in navy as well.
– burgundy rain booties
– black shearling boots from Target, not as high as Uggs, but the inside was super soft and the price was great!
They’ll both work hard this year too, no doubt.
Anonymous
Last year I bought Blondo suede black booties, which are waterproof, and they were such a great purchase. I could wear them in the rain and slush and they still looked brand new.
Anonymous
You can pry my brown riding boots from my cold dead toes – I wear these interchanged with black tights and black booties (though I need to replace both this year…)
Anon
+1. Idgaf if other people think it’s no longer fashionable. Riding boots are so practical and warm and classic that I will never give them up.
busybee
And they’re much more flattering on my 5’2, short legged self than mid-height boots, which just cut me off at a weird spot.
Anon
Are DVRs outdated? We have DirecTV and are on our second or third DVR from them, and the disc seems to have bad spots, where we miss parts of shows, the recording skips or gets all pixelated with no sound.
I said to my husband that we should do the Millenial thing and cut the cord and just do streaming, but he had the following questions –
1) what about local news?
2) what about HBO?
3) what about the Red Wings channel?
Any suggestions for what we could do for this? If we cut the service we’d save over $100/month so we’d have money to play with for any new subscriptions we’d need for streaming services.
anon
Get a Roku. Then get subscriptions for Youtube TV for sports and HBO Now (Or Go, I can’t remember which is stand alone). Do it – cut the cord!! It’s the best.
BabyAssociate
I’ve never had a DVR or cable.
1) Internet?
2) HBO Go (mine is connected to my Amazon Prime account)
3) Check out Sling TV for sports, that’s what I used to watch the World Cup
smunchy
Dropped DirecTV like a hot potato earlier this year. We’d had a DVR for 10 years and it up and died during a show. Called Customer Service and they wanted to charge a crazy amount to send someone out to replace it. I said no, I can do it myself and they still wanted to charge me. I went ballistic and insisted they send it to me no charge as we’d only had one service call in ten years. They finally agreed and the replacement was really cheap. After more and more issues and more and more calls to customer service, we decided to cut the cord, as they say. We bought an antennae for local channels (not the rabbit ears kind – it’s the floppy piece of plastic) and it works well enough. We stream HULU, Netflix, Amazon Prime. Tried SlingTv but wasn’t worth the cost. I think you can get an individual HBO subscription (don’t have that). Not sure about sports – Hulu has advertised they have some but haven’t checked it out.
One thing I didn’t miss with local channels was all the political advertising leading up to the primaries. And I don’t miss the self-promotion of our local stations. Because I watch so many series on Netflix or Prime, I really can’t tolerate commercials any more. I really don’t think I’m missing out. The cost reduction has been incredible, even with adding commercial-free Hulu. Go for it!
Not an Xfinity Employee
my experience is that DirecTV sux. dishes are just very tough to be perfect.
on the flip side – and I know lots of people have complaints about it – but I love ComcastXfinity and it has worked amazingly for me and I absolutely love the X1 system DVR with the remote that you talk into.
I’ve never had the issues you describe.
you can also just do HBO Go as a standalone service if you really want to cut the cord.
Senior Attorney
You can subscribe to HBO online. There are a number of options including through Amazon and just plain HBO Go. You can get local news off the air with a digital antenna.
I don’t know what Red Wings are so I can’t help you with that. ;)
Anon
Haha. Red wings are a hockey team
Senior Attorney
Ah. I thought it might be something like that. My first thought was “shoes” but I figured that was pretty unlikely…
Mpls
Well – Red Wings are also shoes. Steel toe work boots (mens and womens), though they have a women’s fashion line too. Based out of Red Wing, MN.
Senior Attorney
Haha they should have a TV channel!
Cookbooks
I find that we use the DVR less and less. However, we keep cable in part because I like my sports, and I like watching them live on the big(ger) screen. And as Senior Attorney mentioned above, HBO Go is a good option. I believe that’s about $15/month or so.
Anonymous
I think it’s hard to watch sports on streaming. We kept cable solely for my husband to have ESPN and other sports channels. That said, because our cable and internet are bundled, cutting cable would only save us $40/month and most people I know spend about that much on streaming services.
C2
My TV setup is Roku and bunny ears. Just another perspective – I have access to a cable login and have successfully never missed a live sporting event streaming through Roku – including all of the Olympics, all the tennis tournaments, any big golf tournament, and most cycling events. What’s available on the ESPN/NBC Sports/CBS Sports/Golf Channel/Tennis Channel etc apps is amazing, you just need to google the streaming schedule. And, this year, there were specific channels for events like U.S. Open golf.
Without that cable login access, sports streaming can get very expensive. Still, I’m one of those crazy people who watches all 21 stages of the TDF, so I do cycle in and out of Fubo if I can’t get access somewhere else.
And Peggy
I’ve found that I too use the DVR less and less now that I have Hulu, I can stream most shows at my own convenience without taking up a lot of space, but the DVR is still useful for shows that aren’t on Hulu, and either aren’t available to stream anywhere, or are on network streaming platforms that don’t work very well even after you sign in through your cable provider. TLC comes to mind, their streaming app stinks. And sometimes it’s nice to come home around 10 and watch a show that aired earlier that night, rather than waiting until the next day.
Senior Attorney
Related, I really want to cut the cord but worry about how I would get BBC America. Any thoughts on that?
TB
We cut the cord a couple years ago and use Playstation Vue. It provides all of our local networks, all the sports channels my husband wants, and a variety of cable networks – including BBC America. We also subscribe to Netflix, Amazon, and HBO, but we had all 3 of those anyway even with cable.
Anon
I don’t know about all of BBC America, but I watched Killing Eve on Sling TV after I forgot to cancel the free trial I signed up for to watch the Olympics. I actually kept my subscription an extra month so I could watch all of Killing Eve.
Anonymous
Honest question–how does cutting the cord actually make financial sense? For us, the cable TV + internet + phone bundle isn’t any more expensive than just having internet service. We don’t have a choice of internet providers, so perhaps that makes a difference?
Anonymous
Nope, the math doesn’t check out for us. We have Comcast and basic cable is essentially free if you buy high-speed internet, which is a non-negotiable for us (DH works at home).
Senior Attorney
I’m not 100% sure it makes financial sense but I like to be able to watch my shows on all my devices and I can’t do that with cable (or at least not without far more heartache than I am willing to endure) so I feel like going to online services would be better even if not less expensive. Although Lord knows we pay SO MUCH for cable…
NYCer
I often wonder the same thing. The bundle for my cable company makes the cable TV cheap.
Scarlett
This was where we ended up – by the time we subscribed to everything to get what we want on cable, and bought internet access separately, it was the same price, if not more & a pain to track everything. So we’ve stayed cable/dvr/Roku for Netflix.
DCR
I get internet for $40 a month, and cable and internet was going to be at least $140. I think whether it is cheaper is largely a function of how much competition there is in your market.
I will admit that I don’t pay for the extra fast internet. But frankly, my home internet is faster than my office internet (which isn’t slow) already so I don’t think it is worth it.
SC
Long-term, my cable company’s bundle doesn’t make cable cheap. After the promotional rate expires, there’s not much difference in the price of cable with or without the bundle. Also, the basic cable package doesn’t include much we’d be interested in/can’t get via streaming–my husband would want the sports package (extra $), and I would want the family package for my kid (more $), and we’d want a DVR (more $). It adds up fast.
We pay $80 for internet. It’s pretty fast, but not the fastest offered by our cable company.
We don’t pay much for streaming–just Netflix and Amazon Prime (which we’d have for shipping anyways). So, $12/month specifically on streaming. We use the HD antenna for local sports. I rent movies from the library for my kid. My husband plays video games to relax and sometimes watches YouTube or Twitch while he’s folding laundry or washing dishes. And I read books and occasionally watch Netflix.
And Peggy
The only show on BBC America I care about is Doctor Who, and if I needed to, I could subscribe to the show on Amazon and have the added benefit of being able to download the new episodes and watch them on my commute.
Betsy
We subscribe to PlayStation Vue. It is a lot less expensive than our local (terrible) cable provider and we get a ton of channels for $55/month, including both local and national sports. We don’t get all the local news, but we do have some local news channels. We had put off cutting the cord for sports reasons, so I was really excited when I came across Vue’s channel lineup!
Horse Crazy
Hulu Live TV! I pay $42.99/month and get everything that’s on regular Hulu (with no commercials), and then we also get about 40 live channels, and it’s just like watching regular TV, with commercials and everything. You can put in your zip code online and it will tell you what channels are available. For us, it comes with our local sports channels, as well as NBC/CBS/ABC/Fox and some others. It also has a DVR built in, so you can “record” shows that are live and it saves them in your “My Stuff” section.
We use an Amazon Fire Stick to watch it. The combo of paying for WiFi+Hulu Live+Netflix+Prime is less than what we paid for WiFi and cable before.
Walnut
+1 to Hulu Live TV. We’ve also, by comparison, used Sling, Playstation Vue, DirecTV Now, and YouTube TV. We use Roku to watch. We watch TONS of college sports and all the Olympic and NBC Sports as well.
Hulu Live TV is definitely my favorite for what I watch, but each person can peruse the various options and take their individual channel watching into consideration. I really like the flexibility of the streaming services and not having a giant, clunky DVR next to each TV. My Roku’s mount nicely behind the screen for a cordless appearance.
Also, FWIW, local TV can still be generally viewed over the air. A paperclip in the coax cable input gets the job done for us!
Anonymous
Do you respond to solicitous emails from recruiters? Are you expected to? Most get caught by our spam filters, but this one made it through. While this message is probably cut and pasted, this recruiter did take the time to compose a message about my different undergrad and law school athletic conferences, so I feel like he deserves a courtesy, “Thanks but no thanks.”
Anonymous
I generally don’t (and don’t think there is an expectation that you do – or at least, I don’t care). But if you feel like his message warrants a polite response, there’s no reason why you can’t say, “Thanks. I’m not looking right now as I’m happy in my current role, but I will keep you mind in the future.”
Anon
If they seem like a reputable recruiter, or is a firm I’ve heard of before, then I’ll usually just say “I’m not interested in leaving my firm at this time, but please keep me in mind for future postings.” It hasn’t resulted in a deluge of these emails (or maybe I’m just not a very appealing candidate?)
Anon
Yes I let then connect to me on linked in and I try to provide referrals. About 2 years ago a recruiter cold called me about a job in my area looking for someone significantly junior to me and I tried to come up with referrals for him. But the recruiter called me back more than once to keep taking to me and eventually they upgraded the position to be a lateral for me and I took it.
Anonymous
Do you want them to contact you again? If not, I wouldn’t reply. I feel like not replying is actually courteous because it doesn’t waste any more of his time either.
Anonymous
Do you want them to contact you again? If not, I wouldn’t reply. I feel like not replying is actually courteous because it doesn’t waste any more of his time either.
Anonymous
ACC/SEC? I got that as well (and get it annually). I never respond
January
Same here. I don’t think it’s that tailored. I went to an ACC school, so you should be able to figure it out.
And Peggy
As someone who works in internal talent acquisition, I do write templates and customize them to each passive lead I contact, when that’s part of my job (it isn’t, these days), but I don’t expect people to respond if they’re not interested! I’d rather take a “thanks but no thanks” over silence, but I get that people are busy with their own lives and may not have the time for that. Ideally, it’s helpful to know whether you’re just not looking, whether our company as a whole doesn’t interest you, or whether the job itself is something you’re not interested in, like if I contacted someone for a senior position but they’re only interested in management opportunities right now. But again, there’s no obligation to spell that out if you don’t have the time or energy for that.
Anonymous
Does anyone else experience male coworkers unloading their emotional baggage on you like you’re their personal therapist?? Recently my office brought on a temp who is about 15 years older than me, and within days of meeting he is sitting in my office telling me about his divorce, his recent break up, and his recent bad date and almost-gardening session. WTF. I’m not particularly nice or outgoing and I’m too awkward to say “this is inappropriate, please leave”. The thing is, this type of thing happens ALL THE TIME. This guy is a particularly extreme offender, but it is definitely a pattern in my 10 years of working.
Anonymous
If you find a way to politely shut it down, it won’t happen all the time to you.
Monday
Yes! This guy sounds gross, but I notice that even when it’s a male coworker who I like and would be willing to be friends with, he’s not interested in my musings about my own life. He just wants me to listen to his.
I find that appearing busy, not asking any follow-up questions, and not encouraging any more information is the best I can do to curb it. One time I just kept writing on a notepad and didn’t even look up.
Anonymous
I find that both men and women can be guilty of this, and that the kind of person who will do this kind of overtalking is not then going to turn into someone who will stop talking and ask about your life.
So you need to perfect active “not listening.” I do these:
When the person comes to my desk, I keep my fingers on my keyboard and my chair turned to my desk. I do not turn my body to face the person, but just look inquisitively with a “yes, what?” while using my posture to make clear that I’m not going to focus on anything but the work in front of me.
Get up and walk away: send something to the printer that you have to go pick up. Or stand up and pick up your coffee cup, while moving toward your office/cubicle door to go get a warm-up. If the person keeps talking, say “walk with me” or simply say “excuse me, I need to get this from the printer.”
Cut into the monologue and change the subject to a work topic. Then ruthlessly stay there.
Medspa treatments
I am 40 and thinking of trying a medspa treatment to improve my skin which is generally good. Issues are horizontal forehead lines, a few discrete acne scars, and a few skin-colored bumps. Any suggestions? Budget is $1k.
BabyAssociate
I’d go to your dermatologist and ask what she recommends. Maybe microneedling (although that would almost definitely be above your budget) or Botox.
Anon
Botox for forehead lines
Micro needleing for acne scars (but don’t get your hopes up)
I have a few flesh colored bumps my cosmetic derm convinced me to leave alone because anything I do would be trading a bump for a scar. Unless you’re talking about milia, I’d leave them be
Anonymous
I realize this is a little petty but I’m frustrated and I need to vent. Thanks for understanding. A friend has been reaching out to me to get together. When I tell her when I’m available, she either makes lame excuses or cancels at the last minute. It’s to the point that I almost wonder if she’s playing some weird mind game – like she wants to know that I want to hang out with her but she doesn’t actually want to make time to hang out with me?
For example, this week, the only day that we were both available was a weekend day, but she said she was trying to reserve that day to have a ‘rest day.’ Now I totally understand sometimes you get burned out and you need a day. But dude don’t tell me you’re literally sitting around your house doing nothing instead of hanging out with me. “So sorry I have plans that day” is perfectly fine. Something like this happens every time – ohhh I told myself I’d go to the gym that day (you can’t go after happy hour?), live-in BF and I are making dinner at home that night (isn’t dinner after hh? also he works from home you two make dinner together literally every night), or I’m just too tired to make the plans we made 2 weeks ago. I actually stopped trying to make plans with her because of this, why does she keep reaching out if she doesn’t want to see me?
BabyAssociate
I’ve had a friend like this. I would explain this frustrations to her and tell her you’re going to stop trying to make plans. If she wants to see you, she can organize something.
Anonymous
I don’t think I would be upset in this circumstance. Me and my closest friends do this to each other and I would call them honest rather than lame excuses. Sometimes you do just feel wiped from a long week, or not up to socializing because you had a fight with your boyfriend, or overwhelmed because you haven’t done laundry or grocery shopped for weeks. I think it’s a sign on a strong friendship when friends can be honest rather than making up a more socially acceptable excuse for bailing.
I’d assume that she’s continuing to reach out to you because she does want to see you, and is having a tough time balancing that with self-care as well. If you value her friendship and still want to see her, then you could push back slightly on her excuses and offer an alternative. If she was planning to go to the gym, you could suggest going together (or going hiking or something else together), if she wants an evening in, you could suggest getting takeout at her place, etc.
anony
That sounds incredibly frustrating. I would also stop trying to hang out with her and focus energy elsewhere. Most people are flaky once in a while, but when it’s a pattern like this with lame excuses, it’s really not considerate to others.
Anon
Is she a generally clueless person? Maybe she’s unaware of this pattern? In combination with a habit of biting off more than she can chew (suggesting plans she has no energy to make)? I’d start by pointing out to her the pattern and see if she has a reaction to it. If it’s “oh, I didn’t realize”, then try one more time. If it’s “but I was so busy-excuse-excuse-excuse” then just move on because this person is self-absorbed and not your friend.
Senior Attorney
Sheesh. I would have one and only one conversation with her in which I told her what you just told us. And after that I would just back away.
Anonymous
My friends like this are former friends.
Anonymous
A cousin of mine just messaged me for my address for her sister’s/my cousin’s bridal shower. However, I have not been invited to the wedding. Neither has my brother. My dad (uncle to the cousins) received a save the date so I know they were sent out a while ago.
What’s the correct move here? This feels like a gift grab to me.
Flats Only
Provide the address cheerfully, then when you receive the invitation send your regrets. Also consider that she may have developed the shower guest list on her own and not realized that you don’t seem to be on the guest list for the wedding.
Anonymous
Ack no. You can’t invite people to the shower who weren’t invited to the wedding! I’d decline and not send a gift.
(I was also not invited to the wedding of a first cousin that I know fairly well, so I’m perhaps oversensitive to this but I think it’s so rude to not invite first cousins! Who does that!? We had a fairly small wedding and invited all 15+ of my husband’s cousins.)
Anonymous
I wouldn’t even be offended if I wasn’t invited, but I’m offended I’m asked to attend this gifting ceremony but not the wedding?
Edna Mazur
People that have 50+ first cousins :) I had a big wedding and invited all of mine, but I totally understand when some of mine don’t invite me/
Anon
Gift grab. I would personally not attend and not gift.
Anonymous
It’s a gift grab. Don’t go and don’t send a gift.
lawsuited
I’m not sure how you could politely refuse to be invited to the bridal shower, so I’d provide your address and then send your regrets once you get the details (assuming you don’t want to go).
cbackson
First, are you sure you weren’t included in the invitation to your parents (this has happened to me even though I haven’t lived at home since I was 18 – family members still invite me to weddings via the invite to my parents)?
If you are sure, then yes, it’s rude to invite you only to the shower – there are some exceptions (like work showers), but generally it’s fairly impolite. That said, the most important question is whether you actually want to attend/send a gift. If you do, then do it. Don’t refrain from participating simply because they’ve been rude. I’m guessing this isn’t the case, though, because I don’t think you’d be asking this question if that were true.
If this is the kind of situation where you’re not close to your cousin, the wedding itself is more of a familial duty, and thus you wouldn’t be particularly enthused about this shower even if you had been invited to the wedding, then decline the invite and don’t send a gift. An invitation isn’t a summons, and no one is entitled to a gift simply by virtue of shared genetic material. I definitely don’t send gifts to showers that I don’t attend, unless I am close to the bride to be and would really like to be there but can’t.
And Peggy
+1 I would absolutely double check that you’re not getting invited to the wedding before making any decisions here. It’s also possible your Save the Date got lost in the mail, maybe that’s why they’re asking for your address now (they thought they had it but it turned out to be wrong). It could also be that you barely made the cut, but the person addressing and mailing out the invites for the shower isn’t using the final version of the guest list and would be mortified if they realized they invited you to the shower by mistake! Or maybe she’s a little naive and doesn’t understand how tacky this looks! Remember, she’s the one sending out the invites, not the bride.
Not that I’m defending rude behavior, mind you, and I hope that this comment doesn’t sound dismissive of your feelings. I just think it’s a good idea to assume good intentions when you don’t have all the information.
Although even if you are actually on the guest list for the wedding, it’s okay to decline this invite.
Anonymous
The correct move is to give your address. When the invite comes, you can decide if you RSVP yes or if you have plans that day and can’t attend. It’s possible they’re doing a tiny wedding but the people organizing the shower are reaching out to a broader group.
anon a mouse
Reply with your address, and mention that you have not received a save the date. You’ll be able to tell pretty quickly if it’s a gift grab or not.
Anonymous
Is it possible that they are sending a “family” invitation and didn’t think they needed to/should send a separate invitation to you or your brother?
I think I’d probably respond to your cousin and say that you weren’t invited to the wedding, so don’t think you should attend the shower.
Anon.
Cousin who is planning the shower may not have her sister’s wedding invitation list and simply assumed all (female) cousins should be invited. But I also think you have no obligation to attend. Send your address and then RSVP no when the invitation comes.
Anonymous
Yeah, inviting ppl to a shower who are not invited to the wedding is tacky. Check out Emily Post Institute. They will make you feel better about declining this invitation.
And Peggy
This actually might be an interesting question for their podcast.
HSAL
I agree with the comments above, but if the only thing that’s gone out is a save the date, you could still be invited to the wedding. It’s possible their guest list wasn’t finalized and save the dates only went to the definites.
Kelsey
By stroke of luck, I’m going to be able to attend an event tomorrow where I can meet the top members of my favorite sports team ever. I am a total rabid fan. I’m wondering what I should say to them that won’t be obnoxious? Everything I can think of – “it is so awesome to meet you” “I am amazed by your talent,” etc. sounds so trite. For what it’s worth, these are women in their 20s (women’s basketball) and I am early 40s and I’ll be there with my young kids. Can I ask them for a photo with my kids (or with me)?
Anonymous
Be genuine. I’ve not met many pro athletes, but the ones I have met at the minor league and college levels were always generous about taking pictures, signing things for kids, etc. Especially if this is a meet and greet, there is likely some expectation that they interact with fans. If they have restrictions around that, I’d expect the organizers to tell you that.
Anon
I would expect a women’s basketball team might not get that much fan attention to be jaded about it – which is sad in some ways but also means they will probably be really happy just to hear your honest reaction that you really admire their skill and enjoy watching them. For photos maybe gauge the mood at the event, but if they’re there representing the team I think photos would be fine, especially with your kids (doubly so if you happen to have daughters who are also interested in the team and you can say something meaningful about their example as women in pro sports).