Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Square Neck Blouse

310 Comments

1. I love square necks! (Am I vain about my collarbone? Yes.)

   1. Same, I love showing my collarbone; it’s the one part of my body that doesn’t require working out

   2. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this squareneck’ed Blouse. At $49, this is not a bad price! I am heading for the Hamton’s this weekend to stay with Margie. The manageing partner is goeing to a golf tournement somwhere and she wants someone in the house with her. There are skeevy men who hang on the beach near her place, and she does not want to be a statstic. So I go there and the skeevy men do NOT stay around. I guess I do have some value after all! All the best to the HIVE this weekend. I will try to check in remoteley from the HAMTONS! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

2. Does anyone have advice for dealing with insecurity in a new relationship? I am very much a consistently single person, but met someone great recently, and we’ve beens seeing each other since March. We have two very busy jobs, and he has kids from a previous marriage, so things probably aren’t moving at a normal pace, if only because of time. HOWEVER, I feel like I’m constantly insecure – worrying when I’ll see him again, worrying whether he’ll just up and leave. None of these things make any sense – he consistently says he cares, he regularly moves heaven and earth with his work schedule to make time to spend with me.

   Sometimes I question if it’s me – am I that insecure? Or is there something deeper wrong, and this is why I’m as worried as I am?

   I haven’t been in a serious relationship for a few years, so I tend to question my perception of normal/not normal, and it’s hard to remember what I felt like in those previous relationships at this time in them. Part of it, I think, is that I like this guy so much – and can really see a future with him.

   I’m also terrified my insecurity, and the subsequent arguing, are going to kill any chance this has of being something long term – I mean, who would want to put up with this?

   1. Are there specific actions that make you insecure? If so, what are they? If not, then I think it is a personal problem. Although I not fast to jump to it, I think this is one situation where therapy may be helpful to help you identify why you are insecure and how to resolve/address it.

      1. +1 this is a “you” issue. I had horrible relationships until I realized my crippling insecurity had nothing to do with my choice of partners. It was me. I felt that because my father never loved me, that no one else was ever going to be able to either. I sabotaged every relationship with my insecurity because they were going to leave anyway (at least that’s what my brain told me). It’s fixable. Good luck!

         1. There’s not enough information to be able to tell whether this is just a her issue. I’m so tired of this message that only women seem to get – you’re too needy, you need to be a cool girl, be less clingy. Like, you know what creates insecurity? When you like someone way more than they like you. Or when someone doesn’t give you the focus you deserve. Or any number of things that show that the person isn’t that into you. But you tell yourself it’s early they’ll come around this is just a “me” issue. And that’s how you stay in dead end relationships for way too long.

            1. OP wrote: “he consistently says he cares, he regularly moves heaven and earth with his work schedule to make time to spend with me.” If that’s not enough information, I don’t know what is.

            2. Well – it’s her issue either way, because she’s the only part of the equation that she can control. The key is for her to do the work to identify why she’s feeling insecure, so she can figure out how to act. If she figures out it’s an emotional hangover that BF is triggering, she can work to reset her reaction. If BF is being wishy washy, she gets to decide if she wants to give it a bit longer (different people come around on different schedules), or not.

   2. Listen to your feelings. I had a relationship where I felt insecure all the time, about the same length as yours, and it was because he wasn’t really in it emotionally and I could sense that. It manifested in my feeling terrible and I should have just realized it wasn’t a good fit. A good match will make you excited, not insecure.

      1. I disagree with this. Sure, that is sometimes the case, but definitely not always. It’s very common for people to struggle in new relationships when they feel vulnerable. OP- I’m a lot like you. I recommend reading some of Brene Brown’s work. She focuses on vulnerability and how fear of vulnerability manifests in our relationships. FWIW, recommended to me by my therapist and we work on these issues using these concepts.

      2. I agree. Really analyze whether your insecurity is being fed internally or externally. If there are external triggers (like behaviours from him), then consider whether your gut is not just telling you something. If there aren’t (and it’s your own narratives), therapy!

      3. This x100. I’m now in my first healthy relationship after years of choosing emotionally unavailable men. I would spend so much time reading and listening to advice about how to seem cool, not show interest too quickly, etc. When the main issue was that I was choosing people who just ‘werent into me’ or were just sh**y people.

         With each guy I knew deep down that they weren’t right for me but I kept it going because I had low self-esteem, ignored my gut, didnt want to be alone, etc.

         Lastly, even if this isnt your issue in particular it wouldnt help to get some therapy to figure out if this is internal or external like Anon @10:30 suggests.

      4. Long comment in moderation but although it’s important to do a gut check, I disagree that insecurity always means it’s a bad relationship.

   3. You are correct – this is not healthy and will not lead to a happy, successful relationship.

      Do you love your insecurities more than you love him?

   4. Does this make sense with your personality? Are you pretty needy? Do you have some issues from childhood that still need unpacking (as many of us do!).

      It’s good you are asking these questions. It is very easy to sabatoge a relationship. Do you think you could talk with someone about it, like a therapist, and work on some behavioral strategies for minimizing your anxiety about this? And maybe, you’ll find the root of the problem…

      Good luck.

      1. Sometimes, yes, sometimes no. I think there are definitely things he does that make it worse, but I also think I then make it worse than it actually is, if that makes sense?

         Agree that I should talk to someone. I know I need to work on this, I guess I’m just worried I’ll sabotage the whole thing before I have a chance to make this better, and I REALLY like this guy, and I haven’t felt that way about someone in a long time.

         1. I had this same thing early in my relationship. My advice is to tell him how you feel. Like, hey, I feel very emotionally vulnerable in a new relationship, and part of my brain is really happy with how things are going, and another part is scared–because I’m so happy, and because we are still pretty new–that things could fall apart. Just wanted to put that out there, k thanks.

            You can also ask him how he is feeling. You may find that he also has insecurities… it’s still early days and it takes a while to build a secure attachment with someone.

            Meanwhile, I think it also helps to start believing that you will be ok if this relationship does not work out. It may seem great now, but if it does end (maybe for reasons that you can’t predict today), you can trust yourself that the reasons for it ending will be good and you will be strong enough to get through it.

   5. I think my original reply got stuck, but essentially – I think it’s a little of both. I think there are things he does that make it worse, but I think I then take little things and make them *big* things.

      Agree I could use some time with a therapist unpacking this, but in the meantime – tips for not sabotaging things while I work on this? I think that’s my biggest fear – that I won’t be able to “fix” things before I sabotage things – I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.

      1. Also – thinking about this a little more, I think it was worse in the beginning – he did/said things that made me feel insecure, and like he wasn’t in it emotionally like I was. He then started saying/doing things to express that he’d changed a bit (he’s recently divorced, I can understand why it’s a lot), and now things in that respect are better, but I jump on little things that I shouldn’t, because of how things started off.

         Tips on dealing? Tips on how to convey this to him? Advice/stories on how you managed to fix something similar? I want this to work, and I think part of my insecurity is how badly I want this to work.

         1. I had this exact same experience with my current girlfriend. It took her a LOT longer than me to emotionally invest in the relationship, and I could sense that. Now, things that normally wouldn’t make me feel insecure do a little bit (like, if she doesn’t say I love you back via text message or something). Your reaction is normal and I think the situation will even out over time. I got to a place where I could actually talk to my girlfriend about this. “Hey, I know that it’s really no big deal to have to cancel plans at the last minute sometimes, but I overreacted last night because it dug up some hurt feelings from the beginning of our relationship when it was hard for me to tell if you were interested. I know that only I can deal with those, and I appreciate your patience.”

            1. This is really helpful advice. Any tips on how to talk to him about this? I just want to avoid sabotaging the relationship while I try to work through this. This situation seems like as close a parallel as I can get to my own.

               Also – those examples are exactly what I was getting at – things that aren’t actually a big deal, but in context feel way bigger than they are, combined with some earlier things that were a big deal.

         2. Honestly the only thing that helps me with this in the early stages of a relationship is to continue to see other people. Otherwise I get invested too quickly while they’re still figuring things out and it starts to feel like I’m waiting on him to allow me to have the relationship I want. Which is… not a great dynamic. If you guys aren’t exclusive (ahem, if you haven’t explicitly said you’re exclusive then you’re not), go on other dates. If you are explicitly exclusive then find other hobbies to distract yourself.

         3. It’s the “subsequent arguing” phrase that sticks out to me. You’re saying things, based on insecurity, that then escalate into arguments? Whether the insecurity comes from internal or external stuff, put the brakes on the arguments. Seriously, summon your self-control and stop yourself from saying, in the moment, the thing you want to say. Or, if an argument is starting up, collect yourself, take a step back, and de-escalate. And then get to a therapist or a wise friend and sort it out with THAT person. Don’t get mired in arguments when you’re not even sure what it is that you’re trying to resolve. That can lead to all kinds of verbal flailing around just to make yourself feel better; that’s a lot of weight for a new relationship to carry, and a lot of chance for anger and resentment to build. Sort it out yourself, then learn how to sort out stuff with him.

      2. What kinds of things does he do that make it worse? Is it something like not texting back quickly enough?

         I get this way with every new relationship. I disagree that it means the relationship isn’t good. Dating is hard! Even when the guy is a great match, you’re still not sure of that yet and you’re trying to figure out how to fit in each other’s lives.

      3. I think it’s an exercise of asking yourself “where is this coming from?” when you can feel a reaction, and toning yourself down if it’s silly, or listening to your gut if it’s not. You can journal. You can get “gut checks” from girlfriends. You can sleep on things.

      4. How old are you?

         1. 28

            1. I think your feelings are very normal. On the other hand, insecurity is not a particularly attractive quality. I would not talk to him about this since you feel like he already makes an effort to see you around his work and child visitation schedules. Instead, I might decide on what I consider what I feel is the appropriate way to respond including tone for different scenarios and then execute. Eventually you will feel more comfortable.

   6. If your insecurity really doesn’t make sense and he is indeed the great guy you say, then this is indeed a “you” issue and I agree that therapy is indicated.

      I was like you when I was first dating my Lovely Husband. I was just out of a long and terrible marriage and I was desperately needy and insecure. Every. single. time. LH didn’t call for a day or two, I was absolutely convinced he was ghosting me. I remember on one memorable occasion I thanked him for something and he said “that’s what friends are for” and I was sure he was friend-zoning me and that was The End. Turned out he was just lovely and normal and I was super neurotic.

      I was in therapy while all of this was going on, and with my therapist’s help I was able to keep most of the craziness away from LH. I did a lot of self-talk along the lines of “you always feel this way and it always always turns out to be fine,” and on the rare occasions when I felt like I had to mention something we had a spot in his living room that was designated the Serious Talk spot and we would have our Serious Talks and all would be well. And over time I was able to relax into the relationship and believe that LH and the relationship were really as good as they seemed.

      I take serious issue with the idea that if you feel insecure, it necessarily means it’s not the right relationship. My husband is absolutely my perfect partner in more than three years there has never been a cross word between us, despite some challenging situations that have arisen. If I’d listened to my insecurities I would have missed out on a wonderful marriage. I’m glad I was able to work on myself and calm myself down and appreciate what I had.

      1. Thanks for this, SA. Not the OP, but I am similarly trying to unpack what is my own neediness and insecurities in what seems like a really good, healthy situation. In some ways, I find it harder when things are going really well, because you start to have expectations, and it feels like there’s that much more to lose.

         For anyone that remembers, I’m the one that posted back in March about the situation with the surgical resident that had semi-disappeared after we gardened the first time (and then was railroaded here because I was apparently being unreasonable in expecting that he actually communicated with me, after he established a daily texting pattern and then completely stopped). We did end up going out the Saturday after I posted, and he (unprompted) ended up telling me that the sleepover made him uncomfortable because it was too soon, and the non-texting was because he needed space (and was also away for the week, and then sick when he got back so he basically just worked and slept). And he also admitted that he’s really bad at making plans in general, and that I shouldn’t read into it as a lack of interest, because he is definitely interested, sees long term potential, et al. I said that was fair enough, but that I wanted to spend time with him because it felt like things were going well. He said he would be happy to hang out and rock climb or whatever four times a week, just for shorter periods. Which sounded great to me, but, you know, money where your mouth is and all that.

         Since then, I’ve seen him at least three times a week, pretty much every week – so basically, almost every day he isn’t on call or stuck late at work. We initiate plans pretty equally. I have met his brother, and he’s met one of mine. And he has consistently texted daily (barring an exception or two for a 12 hour case) and always responds to my texts promptly (and my phone just dinged as I was typing this, haha). We haven’t talked actual labels, but are definitely exclusive. Despite all this, in the back of my head, I’m convinced he will lose interest and disappear or something – but I’m pretty sure that’s a reflection of past relationships, and not what’s happening now.

         Basically, I think my insecurity is just a fear of getting hurt – and I appreciate the viewpoint of someone who’s been there and had it work out. :)

         1. Good luck to you! I hope it works out the way you want it to! :)

      2. I think about SA’s story a lot. So, I understand that part of how SA worked through it in the moment was to remind herself that every time she got insecure in the past it all turned out fine, and this was helpful. I can definitely say that I’ve overreacted and prepared myself for a ghosting that didn’t come, and consistently underestimated men’s feelings for me in the past. But there have also been times that my instincts were right. So now when I’m feeling concerned I only think about the times where I wasn’t overreacting. Follow up for SA (should she feel inclined to elaborate :) ), did you deal with this at all? Any advice for those of us who have also been *right* in fearing the worst in the past?

         1. I swear, I don’t even know. Honestly I just experience this whole thing as a miracle. But let’s see…

            I just tried really hard to be realistic and kind of hope for the best and prepare for the worst, you know? And even very early on I decided that I was going to try my best to enjoy it while it lasted and that even if (on any given occasion when I was convinced it was The End) it was The End, it was worth it to have been involved with somebody who was so great and respectful and lovely and kind.

            Also it was quite clear almost from the get-go that this was a quality person. We had come in contact with one another professionally and he has an amazing reputation in the community (I remember one colleague describing him as “sleaze factor: zero”) and he’d been widowed after a 27-year marriage, so there were not only no warning signs, there were the opposite of warning signs, if you know what I mean. These kinds of things aren’t as available when you’re young but still I think if you look carefully you can tell the difference between a kind person and a nogoodnick.

            Hope that helps a little.

         2. I am not SA; diff story but there are similarities. I started dating after being recently divorced and I was insecure AF in my new relationship, even though it was the greatest relationship ever (like SA, never a cross word between us in over a year). I was also worried that my insecurity was manifesting in super-unattractive behavior that would drive him away.

            And I hated all men because of my divorce–except the one I was dating. It was confusing AF. Pardon my french. I guess I had to learn to trust my instincts (hard when you marry the wrong person) and trust that regardless of whether things work out with New Love, I would be ok. Like, what’s the worst that will happen if the relationship ends? It will suck for a while, maybe a long while, but that’s kind of life, isn’t it? You pick up the pieces, call your favorite girlfriends, and move on.

            Sometimes thinking through this was helpful to me because it made me see that I had power to make decisions about the relationship and to handle the consequences of those decisions–I wasn’t putting my life in someone else’s hands. I started seeing it as a daily choice to stay in the relationship and see how things go, rather than ending it prematurely to avoid a situation where he would unexpectedly leave. I once told him this (fearing I would sound ridiculous) and he said he was very glad that I did not prematurely end it, because that would have made him sad. That was nice to hear.

            I also had a great therapist who helped me see that New Love was giving me no reasons to be insecure beyond the normal insecurities that literally everyone has in a new relationship. I highly recommend finding a great therapist–honestly, just a few sessions made a really big difference. If you’re in SEA, I can provide a rec.

            1. Oh, SW, you said it way better than I did! Yes to all of this, especially, your second paragraph!!

   7. The book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love really helped me with this. I highly recommend it. It goes through different attachment styles, how they form relationships, their fears, and what to do about it.

3. Hello everyone. I’ll be in DC for the 4th of July. Is it worth it to watch the fireworks on the mall? How bad are the crowds? I don’t really want to get there 6 hours early. Does anyone have suggestions of a good rooftop bar or something else?

   Thanks!

   1. You’ll be fine if you get there around dinner time. No need to spend the whole day. The Mall is big, and there’s not really a bad view. Yes, it will be crowded, but mostly to get in and out of security. If you are taking Metro, walk to one of the stops that’s not on the mall, ideally a stop that is before the mall in the direction you’re traveling (e.g. Archives instead of L’Enfant if you are headed south on yellow). Allow extra time.

      In the past a lot of places with rooftops have charged high cover fees or sold tickets, so you’d want to double-check ahead of time. The W rooftop bar is popular but it looks like tickets are $275 this year.

   2. I went to DC for 4th of July when I was a kid. We just stopped on one of the sidewalks like a block away from the Mall. Could see the fireworks fine, I think there was music too. Definitely don’t bother trying to find a spot on the Mall.

   3. A fun alternative is to get dinner or drinks in Georgetown or Rosslyn, then walk halfway across the Key Bridge and watch from there. (Disclaimer that I did this years ago)

   4. I think it’s worth it to be on the mall or very close by. The view really is the best from the mall. The main annoyance for me is getting away from the mall at the end of the night. If you are staying close by and can walk, that won’t be an issue. But the metro and the buses are paaaaacked right after the fireworks. I would maybe even just find a place to get a drink and wait out the crowds afterward if possible.

4. I have been having a lot of pain the balls of my feet when I walk, especially in any non-sneaker shoes. It’s hard to describe but it is sort of a burning / pins-and-needles kind of pain.

   I just googled that description and it sounds like it is consistent with a condition called “metatarsalgia”. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on what to do besides wearing sneakers all day (which isnt really possible in my client-facing job)?

   1. Can you see a doctor? :)

   2. I have fallen metatarsals (similar pain) and there isn’t anything you can do but get proper orthotics and wear flat shoes. It can cause permanent damage if ignored so it is better to deal with it asap.

   3. Wear Rothys or some of the less geriatric shoes from SAS. And see a foot doctor STAT.

      Signed,
      morton’s neuroma

      1. I own a pair of Rothy’s, and tbh, I do not find them magical. They aren’t anymore comfortable than any other pair of flats I own, and they have zero support. I am going to try putting in a different sole, but the whole point of them is that they are supposed to be as comfortable as a sneaker. Adding in additional support to make them work when they are already expensive means that I won’t be buying more pairs. It’s a good thing you can wash them, too, because man, do they get stinky.

         1. I agree– I have been so underwhelmed by my Rothy’s and won’t buy another pair. They are just like any other flats, and maybe less supportive. And they are my only pair of shoes that stink.

            1. Have you not had luck washing them? I wash mine regularly with regular detergent and find that takes care of the smell. I am wondering if they have changed their product since I bought mine since I was about to buy a new pair.

      2. Also Morton’s Neuroma. It’s the worst. The best shoes I have found for my business casual office I call my “fancy chacos”. Check it out here — my life is changed. https://www.chacos.com/US/en/womens-leather-boots-sandals/?sma=sm.00001frexle7s5eu3ww7y9z7lac63

   4. Yes, see your doctor. Get a referral to a podiatrist. In the mean time get hold of some metatarsal pads (you can order them from Amazon) and see a youtube video for proper placement, which is basically not under the pain, but a little bit back towards the arch. The pad will prop up the bones in your foot so they don’t impact the ground so much. Feels odd at first but you’ll get used to it.

   5. I had metatarsal pain, and it turned out to be hammertoes/claw toes. Are any of your toe tips facing down? I wear splints on those toes and no more pain. I also wear insoles with metatarsal supports, but only in my athletic shoes. And I was able to be back in heels – which is great because I do love my heels, but now I have to buy wides in all my shoes to accommodate the splints.

   6. Morton’s neuroma comes to mind. See a podiatrist asap.

   7. Another Morton’s Neuroma lady here. I lived in Danskos after my foot pain emerging. Specifically the rocking sole typ (not necissarily the clogs, but I have a pair of those for weekends).

      check out the Barking Dogs blog – they have lots and lots of reviews for cute, problem foot friendly shoes and brands. You can find options that work for you, promise.

5. I’m a presenter at a tech conference and trying to figure out what I should wear. My role is comparable to that of a moderator, so I’m not a featured speaker but this will be good visibility for me.

   I’m aware that pockets, waistbands and collars to clip a mic are helpful. Considering a very structured shirt dress that is more biz than biz casual but I love it and it has hidden pockets and is belted. Also thinking about a leather pencil skirt and blouse, but feel like a third piece (jacket?) would be good. I need outfits for two days.

   Open to buying something new or trying pants.

   Any great ideas?

   1. I think the shirt dress sounds good, unless you’re sitting on a stage in which case, I might wear trousers.

   2. I think very skinny pants with a flowy top and a cropped jacket is a very chic look that would also be great for onstage. If you’re willing to spend $$ something like the Foster pant from MMLaFleur, a drapey silk blouse, and then a cropped chanel style open jacket would look great!
      Blouse: https://amourvert.com/products/renata-silk-blouse?variant=8678000590967
      Pants: https://mmlafleur.com/shop/foster-black
      Jacket: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/blazers/novelty/goingout-blazer/H2743?color_name=hthr-dove

   3. I’m kind of in love with the leather skirt idea as long as it won’t be too hot in the auditorium. Leather skirts work great and look great as long as you are not sweating at all.

      I also agree with the skinny pants/flowy top/cropped jacket thing. That’s more or less my go-to look these days. You could elevate it with nice jewelry and shoes.

6. Inexpensive work dress suggestions? My favorite work dress of all time came from Loft a few years back, it’s unlined black and tan plaid, but it’s mostly black so the lack of lining isn’t an issue. It has sleeves, is super flattering and it’s decently comfortable in the sticky southern heat (because it’s not lined I think). I’ve been on the hunt for for a couple more but I can’t seem to find anything similar that doesn’t feel oppressively heavy for summer. Budget is very limited – $50 and under. Where should I be looking?

   1. The BR sale section is usually stocked with dresses that are less than $50. I have a lot of luck there.

   2. Loft, Ann Taylor, and whatever your version of Winners/Marshall’s is – look for Calvin Klein and Lauren Ralph Lauren dresses. Perfect for work dresses, although they often don’t have sleeves.

      1. + 1 to this. I have gotten a lot of great Calvin Klein dresses at marshals. Usually, they are sleeveless, but buy a blazer and some cardigans, and you have yourself plenty of outfits to rotate.

      2. My experience with Calvin Klein and Lauren Ralph Lauren dresses is they wear like iron. I had about eight in rotation and they were going strong for three years before I switched to a job with a casual dress code.

         1. Recently at Nordstrom Rack I saw loads of Calvin Klein sheath dresses around that price. Not fancy, but definitely serviceable.

            There are a couple Apt.9 shirtdresses at Kohls – the one with a round collar and straight hem is awesome. It was definitely under $30.

   3. Nordstrom Rack. I have gotten some Max Studio dresses from there over the years that I wear all the time in the summer. You may also find the same brand at TJ Maxx or Marshalls.

   4. Old Navy ponte dresses. They are comfortable and flattering, and the quality is great.

      1. +1 – these have been a great surprise this year, both the sleeved and the sleeveless versions.

   5. I love the sleeveless Lands End sheath ponte dresses, and I’m pretty picky about the cut of clothes. For example, I have never found a tshirt or turtleneck at Lands End that I felt was cut in a style contemporary enough to wear but these dresses are a great shape. Not lined and made out of thick, stretchy yoga pant material. Machine washable.

   6. Boden Ottoman Dresses. Also wears like iron, has sleeves, and pockets, comfortable material and lined. So flattering on pear-shaped me.

7. I need a wee splurge to reward myself when I finish off this big project next week. What (household, beauty, books, gadgets) are you loving lately?

   I was subliminally influenced by an instragram ad and bought charcoal toothpaste a few weeks ago and holy moly, my teeth really are whiter!

   1. I received a sample of Glamglow glowstarter moisturizer and really like it. Makes me look dewy and well hydrated even when I’m sleep deprived and surviving on coffee shots.

   2. Beware charcoal toothpaste, it can be so abrasive that it damages your enamel.

      1. Thanks for this. Are there any simple whitening toothpastes or mild home whitening agents that don’t damage your enamel?

         I actually think the trend to whitening teeth looks too artificial in person. That’s TV teeth. Even my dentist said to me – “you’re teeth are fine….they are the color…. of teeth!” Yet, I still wonder…

         1. I had a dentist tell me that baking soda every now and then was a good at home product to use. It doesn’t taste the best, but if you only do it once a week or so, it shouldn’t be too abrasive to damage the enamel.

         2. I think the Crest whitening toothpastes are the best, the more expensive ones in the sparkly boxes.

         3. Crest Whitestrips or Zoom

   3. Benefit Cosmetics Gimme Brow. It’s eyebrow gel (similar to Glossier’s boy brow, but I’ve never tried that), and instantly makes me look more pulled together and polished without having to invest more than 30 seconds on my eyebrows. Love it.

      1. NYX has a dupe for this for about half the price. I’m enamored. I’m not much for makeup but I love the subtle improvement to my face that this produces with so little effort.

         1. This sounds awesome. Does the gel need a lot of hair to work? I have pretty sparse eyebrows.

      2. I’ve tried the Benefit Brow Gel, but I prefer Elizabeth Mott’s Queen of the Fill. She also has a mascara that is better than anything I have found.

   4. i have been through the most jarring moving process and it’s almost over next week, so I have been buying fancy hand soaps, candles, a bath oil and Aesop’s poo drops to set up my bathroom like a SPA as soon as I move in.

   5. Tony Moly Banana Sleeping Pack… I love this stuff so much! I also received a dyptique candle as a gift recently and love it more than I expected. Mine is the Baies one. It smells luxurious and looks very blogger-fancy on my bedside table.

   6. I’ve been going through a stressful time and I bought myself some pretty throw pillows (from Society6, for what it’s worth) for my bed that I love and they make me happy.

   7. Dr Jart’s premium B.B. cream, and Sunday Riley Luna oil and Good Genes serum are my favorite Sephora finds in recent history. The combination of these three has my skin glowing.

8. I think I need a push. I work at a non-profit. I have been recruited for a new position within the org. This position is definitely a positive career move and means more money, but I’m experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety. I’m very very good at my current position, which is why I”m being recruited. In my current role, I have total control over my schedule, and almost unlimited flexibility. The new role would still be reasonably flexible, but not to the extent of my current role. I actually really like my current role, but it’s not intellectually challenging. It also doesn’t provide a pathway for advancement. I’m not sure what I”m looking for. Maybe I just needed to spill my head.

   1. Go for it! Not being bored is worth so so much. I can’t quite tell if you are there – not intellectually challenging may not mean bored – but it sounds like there’s no downside other than a modest loss of flexibility. Is there someone within the org you can talk to about your fears to help give you a reality check? Can you negotiate more flexibility or some other perk you would value? It sounds like they really want you, so you may have a chance to tailor the role a little to your needs and interests.

      1. Thank you!

   2. I just went through something very similar, and I’m just now finishing my third full week in the new role.

      It’s okay to be anxious. It’s okay to feel very aware of all that you are giving up by taking on this new opportunity.

      I hope you go for it anyway. If you’re already chafing against the intellectual slump of your current role, then you’re probably ready for a new challenge. You’re being recruited because you’re awesome and because you have capacity to be even more awesome.

      That said: my first two weeks in the new role were pretty stressful and draining. Give yourself time to get your bearings, and revel a little in your new title/salary/level of visibility. You’ve got this.

      1. Thanks! This is super helpful.

   3. Start with figuring out what you want out of life and what matters to you – time or money, prestige or an outside life. Figure out why you’d be applying – do you like the new work? If the answers to those questions lead you to making a move, go for it. If not, it’s okay to stay put. You are the only person who controls your life and lean-in isn’t the only right answer.

      1. Thanks!

   4. I have this on a Post-It note on my computer monitor: “Be comfortable with the fact that growth and comfort don’t co-exist.” Ginny Rometty, IBM

9. I am a n0n American (African by descent and resident of Europe) and I, like many, try to avoid vile social media pages. So it is rather sad to witness, as an outsider, the liberals vs. conservatives fights here.

   I am not trolling and I will admit that I know very little of American politics but I can say from where I sit, it seems the liberals here are the worse bullies who have refused to be any way accomodative of any alternative point of view beyond their point of view. I do not know how you can re-build a society this way. Ever.

   The one thing I will say about the drama that is US politics today- it created a level world where we are all f*cked by politics, and no one in the developed world can ever claim moral high ground over the lords-of-poverty-and-war in Africa. About time the west stopped calling Africans lazy for being victims of political manipulation. Maybe now we can all start healing. (add the brexiters).

   1. Blogs, twitter, etc. is not the best place to get an idea of how politics work in America. I’d examine your sources first before forming an idea. A specific example would be helpful to have a fruitful discussion (thats why people might think youre a troll even if you arent…).

      Also confused by your last paragraph, it is not my understanding that the west is calling Africans “lazy for being victims of political manipulation” – if anything, most people I know who are educated on colonialism do not have this view and have compassion.

   2. OP, I will try to explain why, as a strident liberal, I disagree with 2nd paragraph.

      Although I don’t like name-calling, I really hate tone-policing (which is when someone or some group insists an idea will only be considered if it is presented politely and without anger) for two reasons: 1) because it disproportionately silences women, especially women of color, due to historical sterotypes, and 2) because it is used as a blockade that prevents ideas being evaluated on merit. And there is a feedback loop, because those who recognize that…naturally feel angry that no one will listen.

      Also, perhaps if you don’t follow US politics, you don’t fully realize the damage being caused by conservative policies. To me, there is no comparison between the harm caused by poverty, poor education, or innocent children being shot and killed while going about their daily lives, in comparison with the discomfort an anonymous poster feels at having their post insulted. In my eyes, yes, maybe the liberals on this board say mean things, but the conservatives are the ones systematically attacking the vulnerable.

      1. I think a lot of people see anger, negativity, and supposed aggression and, without knowing the context for it, will think “oh dear, hey now, that simply won’t do at all! how can this accomplish anything?” I’ve had to remind people that yes, love is good and negativity is, duh, not great, but there are legitimately terrible things happening and it’s okay, arguably necessary, to be outraged. Children are being put in cages, this isn’t something we can solve with drum circles and healing vibes.

         1. Thank you! I think people are deliberately ignoring this fact in order to not face the real issue at hand…

      2. The liberal cities/states have the worst poverty and school2 systems. Innocents are being killed due to unchecked criminal activity due to police fearing violent backlash or accusations of racism. Liberals do not think critically, and are easily triggered by stories meant to manipulate their emotions. Conservatives are often living in the shadows with supposed leaders who fear the vengeful, dangerous accusations of their liberal adversaries. The conservatives you do see/hear are often backwards Bible-thumping idiots. It is a mess.
         .
         .The most liberal cities in our country are like slums. Gangs, drugs, human feces…

   3. “it seems the liberals here are the worse bullies who have refused to be any way accomodative of any alternative point of view beyond their point of view”

      Some points of view, like the humanity of other human beings, is not up for debate. When one side argues that immigrants are animals and not people, there is no space to accommodate that. And it’s sad that you think those types of ideas should be given a platform or treated as if their offensive views are in any way valid.

      1. This is a good example of not accommodating an alternative point of view. Many illegal immigration opponents would never, ever say immigrants are animals and not people. What they might say, though, is that illegal immigration creates a strain on our infrastructure, allows people to benefit from that infrastructure without contributing to the tax system that supports that infrastructure… making it cost more for Americans while illegal immigrants get to benefit from it with no contribution to it. The anti-illegal-immigration argument can be an economic argument that still recognizes the plight of those who want to flee their country. And many opponents of illegal immigration have very supportive views of legal immigrants who follow the rules and contribute meaningfully. Further, many opponents of illegal immigration think the system should be overhauled to make legal entry easier.

         But, as the OP points out, no one here is willing to consider another point of view. You think the only alternative to your point of view is that immigrants are animals. And you’re not willing to consider a reasonable alternative to your viewpoint. And that’s the OP’s point.

         1. Yeah there are a lot (maybe most) of people whose views are somewhere in the middle, and I notice on this board we tend to assume that everyone whose views aren’t like ours must hold a very extreme view to the contrary, and that’s just not the case. We need to be willing to hear people out without assuming that the person you’re talking to thinks immigrants don’t count as human or whatever.

            1. OK, but the current administration has made it very clear they DO think immigrants don’t count as equally worthy of dignity and human rights. Especially illegal immigrants, but the president has made a number of comments indicating his disdain for ANY immigrants including legal immigrants (unless they’re white, I guess). I think the logical fallacy is frankly more on the other side, where the administration is holding up a strawman counterpoint of “open borders” – like the only policy choices we have are caging children or open borders with no immigration control whatsoever. Obviously we have a range of policy choices and trade-offs in the middle.

            2. I agree. I also think it’s a leap to say that because some conservatives in power think immigrants are subhuman, and you yourself identify as a conservative, that you therefore think immigrants are subhuman. That logical fallacy alienates reasonable conservatives.

            3. +1

            4. Marilla- yes i agree with your points about the administration. but when someone mentions that they’re a conservative it’s unreasonable to put the weight of the administration’s crazy and bad behavior on that person until they express alignment with those things, either in actions or in words. What I observe here (and most places, on both sides) is “oh, you identify as a X, well you must be (long list of characterists that apply to the worst kind of X, but not all and not necessarily the person in question) Just because there are patterns doesn’t make it right or reasonable to superimpose that onto one person about whom all you know is “GOP woman”

         2. “no one here is willing to consider another point of view. You think the only alternative to your point of view is that immigrants are animals. And you’re not willing to consider a reasonable alternative to your viewpoint. And that’s the OP’s point.”

            I really just do not think this is the case. The problem is that almost none of the discussions here have actually been about rational approaches to handling illegal immigration. They’ve almost all been started by or infected by tr0lls. Some rational comments have appeared, and they’re not the ones shouted down.

            Additionally, please think about the fact that you are sitting here demanding that everyone listen to your point of view in good faith, and yet you are also arguing that we (or at least the person you’re responding to) are flat out not willing to consider a reasonable point of view. Don’t you see the hypocrisy there? You’re not giving the same good faith you’re demanding. You’re also pretending that the person you’re responding to said that any desire to overhaul the immigration system or place restrictions on immigration equates to denying immigrants’ humanity. That’s not what she said at all, and you’re deliberately misconstruing it to make a point. This shows me that you’re not approaching this in good faith.

            1. I am Anon at 11:30. I did not demand good faith… I didn’t demand anything. I responded to the commenter above me, who said:

               “Some points of view, like the humanity of other human beings, is not up for debate. When one side argues that immigrants are animals and not people, there is no space to accommodate that.”

               That comment dismissed “one side” for arguing that “immigrants are animals and not people.” My comment says, that is not really representative of what “one side,” the conservative side, thinks. As part of what conservatives think, I pointed out that many conservatives think the immigration system should be overhauled.

               I certainly did not pretend that the commenter equated that to denying humanity– to the contrary, that point is made to illustrate that both liberals and many conservatives want to overhaul the immigration system. The point is that many conservatives have a viewpoint that might even align with yours. But you misconstrued that to mean that I’m equating immigration overhaul to denying humanity.

               To mirror your argument, that’s not what I said at all, and you’re deliberately misconstruing it to make a point. This shows me that you’re not approaching this in good faith.

            2. “That comment dismissed “one side” for arguing that “immigrants are animals and not people.””

               No. You misconstrued her original comment, which is the basis of your misunderstanding mine. The comment to which you originally replied didn’t dismiss your “side.” It dismissed that particular view point–that illegal immigrants should be treated like animals. (Notice how she began her paragraph with the words ‘Some points of view’…??). Some, but not all, people on your side, hold that perspective. She never ever said that everyone on your “side” holds that view point, but you’re attributing that assertion to her. And then you accused “everyone” of refusing to consider alternate views.

               … you don’t even understand what I said. I’m not going to take the time to explain this to you again. Maybe re-read.

         3. You want proof this administration doesn’t see immigrants as humans or deserving of dignity? They took people’s children away without giving them the slightest shred of evidence or documentation that would have enabled them to get those children back. Like if you were to take your coat to a coat-check and the person told you, gimme your coat, no you can’t have a claim check; trust me, when it’s time for you to get your coat back we’ll figure it out. Except these weren’t coats. They were people’s small children. Now families can’t reunite because no one is sure how to match the correct parents with the correct children. The Trump administration looked at immigrant children as less worthy of protection than the coats they wear to black-tie benefits. Chew on that while you’re looking down from your moral high ground.

            1. This administration =/= all republicans or all conservatives. One of the many problems is people making that assumption

   4. Thank you for your input, but since you aren’t American, don’t live here, and don’t really follow U.S. politics (i.e. you quite admit you don’t know what you’re talking about), I don’t think you have great standing to criticize or compare. It’s not that you don’t live here/are foreign but that you literally are ignorant to what you’re opining, so please don’t come here to stir the pot.

      1. I disagree with this. Sometimes outsiders have the best insight and can see through all the crap we tell ourselves about own viewpoints.

         1. Completely agree with disagreeing. an outsider’s perspective is always helpful to some degree or another.

   5. Based on your description of yourself and the end of your second paragraph – you would disagree strongly with the idea that people of African heritage are somehow lazy and stupid based solely on their heritage/skin color, correct? You would not find any middle ground or compromise on this point, yes? And someone trying to explain to you why black people deserve worse treatment by people in power would probably make you very angry, because it is a yes or no proposition.

      You acknowledge you don’t know much about the details of American politics. Respectfully, I think you should do some research into the basic policies of both parties (including historically, particularly the major switch that happened around the 1960s) and the policies of the current administration, which differ from previous Republican administrations in some major ways, and see how your opinion might be affected by more detail here.

   6. While I disagree with the OP’s larger point, if she’s getting her views based on what’s going on here, the unnecessarily hostile and rude response to the GOP poster who included a link to an informative article was uncalled for and over the top.

      1. Yes, I think this.

         Some of our rudest posters by far are the ones who instantly name call and slap down conservative (trolls?… who knows…) posters with one sentence or 1-2 word responses. Those posts are very juvenile and not helpful. Say something thoughtful if you want people to listen.

      2. Yes, I think this.

         Some of our rudest posters by far are the ones who instantly name call and slap down conservative (tr0lls?… who knows…) posters with one sentence or 1-2 word responses. Those posts are very juvenile and not helpful. Say something thoughtful if you want people to listen.

   7. It’s nice to see everyone here prove the OP’s point in trying to refute it.

      I regularly engage one-on-one with pro-choice people, even though I know they are advocating for unspeakable horrors to be visited upon our most vulnerable, because calling them names doesn’t change anything. I’m more interested in fixing things than in winning stupid points by shouting someone down. I am fortunate enough to have some ability to effect substantial change in this area, and the better I understand the concerns of well-meaning people on “the other side,” the more effective (and likely to pass!) the solution.

      I have to wonder when the last time any of the above women last listened to a conservative on issues of poverty – the kind of listening that involves your mouth being shut. Screaming about how we are horrible people is easy. Saying that we have nothing valuable to say is intellectually and morally lazy.

      1. You are asking liberals to do something you are currently not doing – if you go into a discussion with someone who is pro-choice thinking: “even though I know they are advocating for unspeakable horrors to be visited upon our most vulnerable,” then how do you expect us to come at you with an open mind and “shutting our mouths up” to listen to you?

         Thats not how people work.

         I have conservative relatives who I fundamentally disagree with but we are able to talk to each other with respect, so we have a fruitful discussion even if we both disagree at the end.

         Also, the OP literally said they do not know anything about American politics yet is making sweeping generalizations based on…social media? How do you have a meaningful discussion with someone without pointing that out?

      2. So then would you mind articulating your views here? Because I genuinely would like to hear them. I was raised in a very poor family and things like federal loans for college, financial aid, Medicaid, etc. are the reason my parents’ hard work at multiple minimum wage jobs wasn’t in vain. I got to go to college and graduate school and now support my parents in their old age because many of the social services that liberals support keeping allowed me to make the most of my potential. If those hadn’t existed, I don’t know what my life would be like now.
         Mind you, I grew up in a very conservative state, so it’s not as if I was surrounded by a liberal echo chamber. Quite the opposite, in fact. When I hear the many conservative political talking points about how my people are lazy to have used those resources to give their child a better life, it feels personal. I have yet to meet a conservative who has been willing/able to explain their position on issues relating to poverty in a way that didn’t imply that poverty is a character flaw. If you can do so now, you will have opened one more mind, and I welcome your thoughts.

         1. So these are my views, and many conservatives share similar ones, and many do not.

            Federal student loans: a well-intentioned idea that has gone horribly awry. Currently, $1.5 trillion of them outstanding, and evidence shows that increasing loans often just causes colleges to home tuition and engage in an arms race. Administrative bloat is also a big problem.

            Untangling that isn’t as easy as stopping federal loans. But we need to decrease college administrative bloat, require universities to have skin in the game, and have greater transparency regarding graduation rates, job prospects, etc. (The IRS has information on what people earn. We can do this.)

            Welfare: we spend an average of $60,000 for each family on welfare. We can do better for less. We also have all sorts of perverse incentives (basically, cliffs wherein a bit of extra salary means a dramatic decrease in benefits). I’m a conservative and therefore, I believe that people respond to incentives. They aren’t evil, stupid, or lazy for refusing to earn extra money, which could result in them losing their safety net. It’s an insane system that needs to be overhauled – for everyone’s benefit.

            I believe that there will always be people who cannot support themselves, either temporarily (job loss, illness) or permanently (disabilities, etc.). But I also believe that just because someone needs some help, doesn’t mean that they need the aforementioned $60k/year of help. A reformed system would encourage people to contribute what they can reasonably contribute, then make up the shortfall. People are not evil for responding to incentives.

            I was dead broke when I got out of professional school, so I lived with several roommates (found online) in an old house. There was a woman at work who was a mom of two different kids by two different dads. Power to her, she loves her kids and worked hard. But she lived in low-income housing that (deep blue state) was in the same building, identical units, to $350,000 condos.

            Surely, there’s something between “little kids out on the street or next to a meth lab” and “living better than a fair number of self-supporting middle class people.”

            She’s not evil or wrong for wanting her kids to live in a nice place, but that doesn’t mean it’s the best way to administer social help.

            1. FWIW, I generally agree with everything you wrote until your 3rd to last paragraph– especially the part about how student loans have gone totally awry. But I want to ask you– Even though you were broke when you graduated, didn’t you understand that that was temporary? How long did you actually live in that house with roommates? What was your earning potential like compared to your co-workers’? Was she also a professional, or was she part of the lower-paid administrative staff? You’re not directly saying it, but it sounds like you resent her for getting a material luxury without having “earned” it, like you did. It’s weird to me that you’re pretending you chose to be responsible and made a huge sacrifice to live frugally, while she’s living it up on someone else’s dime. We all understand that your financial picture is wildly better than hers overall. It’s just comparing apples to oranges.

               Adding low income housing units in “upscale” developments isn’t only about “administering” help to certain individuals. It’s designed to influence the community as a whole and to address issues re; gentrification.

            2. NW, you need to cut it out. You aren’t my moral arbiter – in fact, you’re actually a rotten human.

               I do not owe you a correction of your misconceptions (they are untrue). I do not owe you a detailed picture of my finances.

               Oh, and take “earned” out of quotes.

      3. “even though I know they are advocating for unspeakable horrors to be visited upon our most vulnerable” – Seriously? Way to demonstrate entering into a conversation with open-mindedness and respect.

         Would love to see a compassionate and evidence-based conservative viewpoint on addressing child poverty, if you’ve got sources. Because from what I’ve seen, it’s been completely disappeared in favour of rhetoric about boot-straps, “entitlement”, and “welfare queens.”

         1. Exactly. I feel like conservatives purport to care so, SO much about children until the second the child is born. After that … good luck to you.

            1. That’s not a feeling. That is the truth, as borne out by evidence. There are pro-life groups that issued statements in support of family separation and did not seem at-all aware of the cognitive dissonance involved in purporting that A. American women should be forced to have children they don’t want to have because Jesus but B. immigrant mothers deserve to have their children taken away from them because they crossed an invisible line called “the border.” And BTW never mind that part in the Bible where Jesus says “suffer the little children to come unto me, because the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” It was truly stunning to me.

         2. FFS, you flaming idiot.

            The previous posters started in on how conservatives are not worth engaging with because we want the vulnerable people to suffer. Assumption: there is nothing liberals advocate for that involves suffering of vulnerable people. Further assumption: only the awful and deranged would do so.

            My response: fyi, liberals do advocate for inhumane treatment of a certain group of people. I echoed your own language.

            Now you jump on me for echoing your own language. Don’t like that language? Police your fellow travellers first, honey.

            1. “FFS, you flaming idiot.”

               Classy. Lol, okay, we’re too mean to the poor, poor republicans. I just love all the Christian compasssssion oozing from your posts. I truly feel god’s love through you.

               Fetuses do not suffer. Fetuses are not people. Just in case you needed reminding.

               And I don’t think you’re just echoing her language. You enjoy describing embryos as “vulnerable people.”

            2. I’m confused about who is posting this. Are you the person who claims to rise above and not name call and listen with a shut mouth? And you’re not calling someone a flaming idiot?

               That’s zero to sixty pretty fast there, “honey”.

            3. Oh, sweetie. Before you go around calling people flaming !diots, look in the mirror.

               Also, do you really think that kind of response – or your rhetoric in general – is going to persuade people your point is valid? I also think the fact that you keep posting the same pearl-clutching, getting-the-vapors “but WHAT about the BAAYYYBEEES” statements over and over – when you know you’re going to keep getting the same responses over and over – indicates to me that you are, in fact, tr0lling. If you weren’t, by now you would have made some kind of effort to engage in a meaningful exchange of ideas, instead of throwing out your maudlin claptrap and then calling the people who don’t agree with you !diots. Most people don’t really enjoy getting roasted on the internet over and over. If you genuinely do – seek help.

            4. “Fetuses do not suffer. Fetuses are not people. Just in case you needed reminding.”

               A fetus is human being. You were one, once. Everyone here started off life as a zygote. Scientific fact.

               ”
               I just love all the Christian compasssssion oozing from your posts. I truly feel god’s love through you.”

               Coming from you, that’s a compliment. Your moniker understates how vicious you are.

               “Also, do you really think that kind of response – or your rhetoric in general – is going to persuade people your point is valid?”

               (Smiles) Maybe I should take persuasive pointers from the women here. I mean, you never go on unhinged rants against people with whom you disagree.

      4. What are your conservative issues/opinions on poverty?

         1. I am not a conservative, but one viewpoint I have heard repeatedly (including from Ben Shapiro, who visited my school last year) is that if you finish high school, marry, and have a child in that order, you are very unlikely to be poor at any point in your life. Here’s an excerpt from the Brookings Institution on that:

            In addition to the thousands of local and national programs that aim to help young people avoid these life-altering problems, we should figure out more ways to convince young people that their decisions will greatly influence whether they avoid poverty and enter the middle class. Let politicians, schoolteachers and administrators, community leaders, ministers and parents drill into children the message that in a free society, they enter adulthood with three major responsibilities: at least finish high school, get a full-time job and wait until age 21 to get married and have children.

            “Our research shows that of American adults who followed these three simple rules, only about 2 percent are in poverty and nearly 75 percent have joined the middle class (defined as earning around $55,000 or more per year). There are surely influences other than these principles at play, but following them guides a young adult away from poverty and toward the middle class.”

            As I said, I am not a conservative, but this makes sense to me.

            1. Also, here’s the link if you want the full article: https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/three-simple-rules-poor-teens-should-follow-to-join-the-middle-class/

            2. This point of view ignores the realities that a lof people cannont just graduate high school, marry, and have a child in that order. My mother worked in the DC public school system and many of her students had to drop out to take care of their families. There was a cycle of poverty that they could only exit if they were lucky enough to get an opportunity or a supportive family at home. That opportunity and support needs to be there in the first place in order for the first step to be possible. This line of thinking completely ignores that fact (among other things). The bootstrap mentality is becoming less and less possible in modern day America.

            3. It kind of makes sense to me .. except also as an effect, not just as a cause. Rich people have more (actual practical) opportunities to follow this “success sequence,” because they’re less likely to have to work during high school, more likely to be able to afford tutoring if they struggle in school and more likely to attend schools that prioritize helping struggling students in general, generally more support and advice from networks of other successful people, and so on. It makes sense that doing these things in this order makes it easier for you to succeed, but some people’s lives make it more difficult for them to pull it off, which is part of why they don’t succeed. And just telling them to get it together isn’t really going to help, because people aren’t atomized individual wills floating around–we’re members of communities, and we need community support.

            4. I appreciate your post.

               I am very liberal. And I admit there are many issues to address.

               One of my most upsetting experiences was seeing how terribly a very young, poor, African American woman was treated in one of the best hospitals in the country when she was seeking an abortion. It disturbed me so much that I almost went into Women’s health to improve access to safe and affordable abortions.

               But this young woman was there for her 5th abortion. No follow-up was scheduled for counseling. There weren’t any discussions of her options for contraception ongoing. I have no idea if this woman had a primary care doctor, but I suspect she didn’t. We failed this woman. The schools failed her. Her primary care doctor failed her. Her parents failed…..

               For conservatives to be critical of the systems we have in place for supporting those in poverty, they must be equally supportive of the systems we need for pulling people out of poverty. Personal health should be taught starting in Junior High and contraception should be free and readily available. The more we talk about it the better. Lets move to the European model. And we must improve the schools. The poor areas should not have the worst schools. The should have the BEST schools and local property taxes should not fund local public schools. And more job training, adult education opportunities (free GED classes or remedial class to helps those transition to community colleges), mental health access and substance use treatment should be provided in impoverished areas. And so much more is needed…. We have to make a real effort if we want change, and it will take generations.

            5. It’s definitely true that this sequence is easier for kids from rich families, but I don’t think you can seriously argue that poor kids have no agency over their own lives and choices. I went to a very poor high school where most students were on reduced lunch (I was not one of them; in fact, my upper-middle-class family probably had one of the highest net worths of anyone in school). I was certainly afforded certain advantages, such as vacations and piano lessons, that were not accessible to many other students. That being said, many of the other students, including those who were undocumented and faced additional challenges, worked their butts off despite those challenges. They may have had fewer opportunities, but they took advantage of every one that was offered. Others started skipping class in middle school, smoking pot at school, getting involved in gangs, and having children early. They were offered extra help, special classes, one-on-one mentorship, starting positions on the baseball team, you name it, but they did not accept it.

               My point is not that everyone in poverty is making bad choices. It’s that EVEN IF you live in poverty, as many of my friends did, you do in fact have some degree of agency and control over your life path. Others can (and do) offer crucial assistance to help you, but you aren’t just a passive recipient of whatever life throws at you. You have to take help when it’s offered and play a role in your own success too.

            6. Is this a conservative viewpoint? It sounds like a no-brainer to me, but consider which party promotes the policies to encourage this happening, especially for the finishing high school and no kids before 21 pieces. Allocating money to education and ensuring high quality schools and teachers? Teaching kids about responsible s*x NOT abstinence (which has been proven to not work)? Options if contraception (assuming the couple has access to such) fails? It’s easy to say “stay in school, wait to have kids, get a job” but that’s hollow if the person saying it isn’t digging in to why that’s not happening, and solutions to encourage more people achieving this.

            7. Everyone agrees that it’s easier for rich kids with good influences and resources, and that all kids—rich or poor—have agency. But we also can’t pretend that agency alone is enough. They’re just kids. They need help figuring out how to use their agency to make the right choices. We all know that a 14 year old does not have the same decision making capacity as a 25 year old. Childhood and adolescence is when they figure out how to exercise agency and how to evaluate the outcomes of their actions, and how to set or achieve goals. This is all to say that it’s not reasonable to place the full responsibility of ensuring a good outcome on a child’s shoulders simply because of “agency.” Of course that plays a role, but it’s not the final answer. Here’s the second, related problem: It’s not as if all kids are offered the same menu of choices, and not all kids have the same abilities or opportunities to understand the consequences of all available choices. So, I believe we have a responsibility to ask, how do we structure our systems and communities so that we facilitate better choices?

               A simple example: my parents both have master’s degrees. Everyone in my family (including my extended family) went to a top-ranked university. I was taught from a young age that hard work and education were the keys to a happy, successful, secure life. I had great role models to look up to, who showed me how to set the right goals. I understood not only how to get to these goals, but I understood that these outcomes were available to me. I was able to see the rewards of hard work, and use that information to decide that it was worth it to me to work hard and delay gratification. Therefore, of course I had no interest in having a child at 16, trying all sorts of drugs, or neglecting my studies. I saw a bright future, and I had people to guide me away from poor choices and towards choices that would allow me to achieve that future.

               Compare that with someone who grows up in an environment where family members and role model adults didn’t go to college, and see no value in it. Where motherhood at a young age is not only okay, but is a path to love and acceptance. (If you don’t have a loving family unit, what seems more appealing at 17 than a child who will love you, especially if you don’t believe you’re throwing away college to have that?) Does that child have the same opportunities as I did to imagine and desire a bright future for themselves and figure out the path to get there? No. That doesn’t mean that this child has *no* opportunities to see that future or figure out how to get there– sure, maybe one teacher will take interest, or send her to a college admissions counselor for extra guidance. Is that anywhere near the same type of opportunity I had? No. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the negative influences this child has to combat… we deny that it’s easier for this child to fall off the path than someone like me. We need to help her make better choices.

         2. My “conservative” viewpoint on poverty is that people should not have children they do not want, period. I am not arguing that poor people shouldn’t have children – if they want children, they should have them! I would argue that people in unstable settings who don’t wish to become pregnant and become parents should not do so. I truly believe that countless social problems, including poverty, would be alleviated if the only children born were those who were truly wanted. I have seen far too many kids suffering in neglectful, abusive, and/or drug-ridden home lives whose parents could not give fewer f*cks about them. My best friend (a social worker) was upset one day because one of her cases lost custody of one of her several children due to rampant, ongoing meth use and her first concern was losing the welfare check. Obviously these issues are complex and multifacted, but that poor kid would be better off unborn than born to a mother who did not want him and could not care for him.

            1. I agree with you. I had an abortion in my early 20s, when I was in an abusive relationship. Had I had the child, I would like to think that I would have loved them dearly and done the very best that I could. But I was not financially or emotionally capable of raising a child at that time, and I don’t regret the decision. I will say candidly that I feel sadness that it had to happen in the first place. When there are so so many neglected children in foster care, orphanages, etc. in this country, not to mention the neglected and abused children with their parents AT HOME, I simply cannot understand how people can be forced to bear children they are not capable of providing for.

            2. Except these issues have gotten worse, not better, with increased access to @bortion and contraception.

      5. Yeah, you’re doing the same thing you accuse liberals of here. Not as open minded as you think you are.

         1. Ugh posted in the wrong place

      6. And here is where my rage boils over.

         There is no “solution” on this issue. There is choice over one’s own bodily autonomy and there is forced pregnancy. One allows for women to determine their own path according to their own needs and morality, like the fully-actualized humans that they are, and the other demands their morality and views determine the laws for everyone.

         You can feel abortion is an “unspeakable horror” all you like, Madam. That is your right. But you do not get to decide for everyone else. Your version of “fixing things” is the unspeakable horror and should be rightly shouted down.

         1. Very good point. I know a lot of people that are pro-choice but anti-abortion or at the very least think it should be a very last resort. It’s about choice. I am not sure if I could ever have one, but I don’t think anyone but me should be allowed to make that decision. And for the women who do make that decision, I don’t judge them (especially because it is legal) or think they make choices about their health and lives flippantly. I am also aware that my decision on that (which has only been hypothetical) would be greatly informed by my privileges: I am well educated, with a highly paid job, a supportive family with resources, and am healthy enough that I could probably survive a pregnancy and could likely give a healthy, safe, and good life to a child.

         2. Your baby has rights to bodily autonomy, too. Your solution for exercising your own bodily autonomy comes at the expense of another person’s life.

            When those clash, life trumps nine months of discomfort. In the vast majority of circumstances (ie consensual), the mother took a risk – perhaps small, perhaps calculated, perhaps not thinking about it – that this situation would happen. Her baby had no way whatsoever to prevent being in that situation. This is not about “punishing” women; it’s just that when two rights clash, and one party created the clash and the other was powerless to prevent it, we tip things for the latter party.

      7. “I regularly engage one-on-one with pro-choice people, even though I know they are advocating for unspeakable horrors to be visited upon our most vulnerable, because calling them names doesn’t change anything.”

         This is so glib. You sit here and pretend you’re being nice, and patting yourself on the back for not calling names, while in the same (written) breath throw in a snide comment about how we all advocate for “unspeakable horrors”. Eyeroll. This is why I don’t take you seriously.

         “Screaming about how we are horrible people is easy.”

         Yes, you do seem to understand that.

   8. I definitely don’t think social media is a good way to get a handle on American (or probably any) politics! People are generally meaner online than in real life, and it can be very compartmentalized, so that to you it seems like liberals are the real bullies, but if you were looking at a different cluster of accounts you would think that conservatives are the real bullies. And who’s meanest on social media has very little bearing on policy or law.

   9. I’m in federal politics. From the outside, it is absolutely a disaster. What you see in the media are the impassioned sound bytes designed to rile up the base.

      But the thing that keeps me going is that behind the scenes, the staffers are still working toward reasonable goals and the legislators still have reasonable discussions. You don’t see that because, well, for some reason, whoever’s in charge of what goes on the news decided that only bad things get aired. You don’t see modest compromises. I also take great hope in state politics, which, again, is often congenial behind the scenes.

      The rise of the 24 hour news channel takes much of the blame for our current mess. Here are a couple good articles from the way back machine (1994 and 2009) explaining the rise of the partisan media and, in particular, Newt Gingrich’s fiery rhetoric in the early days of cable news. (Remove the spaces.)

      http://articles.latimes. com/2009/sep/22/opinion/oe-neuman22

      https://www.nytimes. com/1994/12/14/us/gingrich-first-mastered-the-media-and-then-rose-to-be-king-of-the-hill.html

      1. I’m not, but I have friends who fundraise. The stuff that riles up people tends to make them write checks. Checks are good. It makes me so cynical about why people push some times into the news cycle, but it makes perfect sense.

         Every party has what brings in the $. And every advocacy group, too.

         Dead babies, living babies, you name it. Ain’t no good issue that won’t be left unused for some politician / policy type to get a buck off of it.

      2. I appreciate you sharing this viewpoint. I need to hear stuff like this sometimes so I don’t just totally lose faith in everything. Thanks for posting.

   10. I agree this is a major problem. I have traditionally voted for progressive candidates, but I’ve been shocked at how much backlash I get for supporting any moderate views at all, even on the local level. I was criticized for suggesting that the city of San Francisco, which has been in a Democrat stranglehold for decades, needs some Republican voices in local government to do something about its filthy streets and rising crime. I was accused of “not recognizing homeless people’s humanity” and “not being compassionate.” If you call people non-compassionate because they don’t want to step around used syringes on major pedestrian streets, they are not going to take you seriously on your real policy priorities either. That’s just ONE example that doesn’t even delve into the sh*tstorm of national politics.

   11. African here living in Europe too. I feel I need to balance this view.
       I never watch any country’s political debates but I think even large televised debates are not representative of a country, let alone a restricted demographic on a fashion blog.
       Sure, you get some insights, like I am sure I gave tons of tidbits on Morocco but seriously I’d be surprised if anyone thought I am representative of 33M people. Also, some Africans walk slowly (this is a joke) but I don’t think anyone singles out Africans as being lazy… I know so many people who work so hard be it in agriculture, blue collar or fancy jobs like consulting

   12. My comment disappeared, but I have similar background and for having been around here for years I know better than to use a subset of internet strangers (have of whom are anon) on a fashion bl0g to form an opinion about a country’s system. You ought to do more research than that. Africans get called naive, dumb etc. because of colonialism, maybe stinky or ugly because of racism but not lazy. Whether you’re thinking of a megalopolis or a nameless rural area, people work very hard everyday and I can’t see anyone claiming otherwise.

   13. If you admit you don’t know what you’re talking about, why do you think any of us care what you have to say?

       1. This is a bit harsh, and obviously not written to make the OP want to reply (!), but there is truth in this statement.

          1. Well, the 33 comments on this thread so far would beg to differ.

   14. lololol

       Just scroll on past if you have no idea what anybody’s talking about.

10. BigLaw equity partner here, but I went to law school a million years ago. And I am improbably where I am today: middle of my class at a T25 school, no connections, not from the city / state / region where I practice, which is nearish to my college and law school but the main network for each is elsewhere; minivan driver with young children.

    So, I am asking for a friend: what is the best advice you could give a first year law student (and not “don’t go to law school”). Friend of is going, friend is first generation, friend is a good person, friend will be footing the bill for all of this. All I can think of is from Hamilton: Do Not Throw Away Your Shot (which is fantastic advice, but not very specific to the task).

    Many thanks for paying it fwd.

    1. Can you give us info on where friend is going to school and/or an idea of ranking/region and what friend’s motivations are for going to law school? That will help us all give better advice!

       1. Friend is going to a law school that is the main law school in the SEUS for the state it is in; nearest major markets are Atlanta and Charlotte. It’s in the 74-100 US news ranking level. I am not personally familiar with it but to the extent my firm interviews there, it will only talk to the tippy top of the class there / Law Review students.

          “Guerrilla Guide to Getting the Legal Job of Your Dreams” was my bible in / immediately after law school. One woman in my law school class who graduated jobless did doc review and would up a Big Law partner in some field that was very (to me) boring and obscure that we never covered in law school, so I am a big believer in work hard + be nice = things will happen but you have to hustle and work as smart as you do hard.

          1. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it’s perhaps South Carolina, based on that (though I don’t know the ranking exactly off the top of my head, so if it’s higher, sorry Gamec*cks!). If that’s the case, though he may never get “BigLaw” there are several large regional firms in SC that are very well regarded and going to the in-state school puts him in good stead with those automatically, assuming he’s top 1/4 of his class or so.

             1. I was going to say this as well (my firm is a large regional firm with several SC offices). And if they want to stay in SC, Greenville and Columbia I think have decent legal markets that I presume would look favorably at a South Carolina grad. (And there’s Charleston, which is lovely, but I have always gotten the impression is a harder market that involves a lot more “you know a guy” to get a job)

          2. This question has been asked tons of times on this Board, so if you do a general search, you will find great advice.

          3. I’m guessing that this is USC Law? I practice in an adjacent state and know several people who went there and are doing pretty well. That state’s bar is a bit insular. Even if there isn’t much true BigLaw, there are several well-regarded regional law firms and many people who practice in the state went to that school so I don’t think the rankings matter as much. Networking matters if this person wants to stay in the area so getting to know classmates and alums is helpful.

    2. Buy hornbooks and read them first. Some days depending on how much time you have, read them instead of whatever reading the professor assigned. I was one of those kids in college who always did all the assigned reading. It took me far longer in law school than it should have to realize just reading case law is, in fact, a terrible way to learn as a 1L and reading something that summarized the general principle first was hugely helpful in actually understanding.

       And related to that point–law school is just school. Don’t radically change the way you’ve been studying because everyone else does something a certain way. If outlines don’t help you learn things, don’t do them.

       1. This is also my advice. Buy the hornbooks. Read them. Even if they tell you you’re not “supposed to.” Everyone else is. Ask me how I know.

    3. This depends someone on the personality of the person, but I think if they’re at all shy or introverted, I would stress that it’s important to build a social network as well as do well in school. I did very well in law school academically, but I lived off-campus with my now ex-boyfriend and pretty much only hung out with college pals who were in the same city. I was friendly with people in my section and on law review, but I never hung out with them outside of school or formed close friendships. And when I lost my Big Law job soon after graduation (graduated in 2009) I didn’t have many people in my professional network to connect with. My career turned out fine (I eventually got another Big Law job by just blindly submitting my resume), but that job loss definitely made me realize I should have spent more time in law school building relationships.

    4. A few non-specific bits of advice:
       – Take advantages of opportunities to see what “real lawyers” actually do in their day to day, so you can have an idea of what being a lawyer actually means. That may mean clinics, seminar classes taught by adjuncts that actually practice, going to panel discussions and asking questions/going to the meet and greet cocktail hours afterwards, meeting alums and talking to them about their legal practice. If you want to be a transactional lawyer, try to find classes where you Actually See Contracts. It’s crazy how rare that is in law school.
       – Take classes that work on key skills. Throw in the occasional “Law and Shakespeare” or whatever for fun but take classes aimed at your long term goals. That won’t be possible right away, but extracurriculars can help here too.
       – Make connections. Talk to your professors and build those relationships. (My failure to do this is my main regret from law school.) Take advantage of opportunities to meet alums. Build lasting friendships with your fellow law students. Find “your people.”
       – Probably you need to be on a journal, even though I really think that’s the stupidest, most pointless “check the box” exercise in law school.
       – Realize that it is harder to get a good job in public service than in a law firm in most cases. Plan accordingly.
       – If you do want to go to a law firm, see item 1 again. Try to have a realistic view about what the actual work looks like so you can select a practice area you are going to enjoy. Realize that it will also depend on the culture of the group at the law firm and the law firm itself (they are not all the same!), so see #1 and #3 again, which will help you figure out what you want.

    5. – go to office hours, ask your professors questions (also a good way to get an RA position)
       – if your library has old exams on file, practice doing them and talk to your professors about what they want to see on an exam. If model answers are available, study them! I found law school exams to be so different from college that if I didn’t have a professor who gave us a graded midterm that didn’t count, I may have flunked out after that first semester.
       -know that your first year’s grades matter sooooooooo much more than you think (depending on where you go to school to some extent)
       – you should look for your 1L summer position after your first semester; your 2L summer position at the end of your 1L summer and that will quite possibly be your first job as a lawyer.
       – if you’re interested in public service work, a good way to get in the door is internships and clinics. It’s also a great way to get practical experience so, either way, something that is good to do.
       – take advantage of practice interviews, if your school offers. Follow up with the people you meet and write thank you notes (email is fine). Along the same lines, take advantage of your student status to reach out to people who are doing what you want to do. Most will happily meet with you. Your student years are a great time to start “building your network”
       – talk to someone about clothes
       – don’t take on more debt than you absolutely need

    6. Stay in your own lane and figure out what works for you when it comes to studying. Some people can get productive learning out of study groups, for others, it’s a waste of time and solo studying is best. Some people outline, others make note cards. Others work in the library, whereas a coffee shop or home might be better for someone else. The takeaway is that your friend needs to ignore the noise and find their path to success which may not look like someone else’s.

       When it’s time to study for exams, use a professor’s old exams for practice (they usually have a decade or more available), as you will start to see patterns or the same type of question coming up every year. Cracking the old exams will help to prepare for this year’s exam.

       Finally, try to maintain hobbies and relationships outside of law school. The stress can get overwhelming, and having other interests can provide a much-needed perspective or mental break.

       1. +1 on ignoring the noise. I remember my first year there were a couple of study groups in my section, there were people who had massive outlines with every last thing in them, and there were times I would overhear others in the library from other sections talking about topic X in property, and suddenly I’d start stressing. Should I join them in that group? Did I miss something in my outline? Is X something I need to know for MY exam?

          Learning to block all that out and focusing on what worked best for me cut out a lot of unnecessary stress.

          1. Agree 100%. This can be so hard to do when you’re a nervous first-year, but it’s huge.

    7. My advice would be learn how to play the “law school game” first semester. By this I mean, learn how to write answers to tests that professors want to see. It took me until 2L year to figure this out and because of that I think I missed out on some better opportunities (but I ultimately ended up in biglaw, so it’s not necessarily a deal breaker, it will just make your life easier).

       Talk to 2Ls and 3Ls about professors and their tests and learn as much as you can about the kind of information that will be on the test and not necessarily what you will learn in class. Unfortunately in the end it won’t be how much you know but how you portray that knowledge to a professor’s liking on an exam.

       1. Yes to this! There is one thing that I think law school profs want to see, generally, and that’s arguing from precedent. Without completely outing myself, I’ll say… I taught a course in a civil law country that was explicitly about common law legal reasoning, and it was so refreshing to make explicit what was implicit in my legal education: that what the professors want to see you doing is (1) knowing precedent and (2) using it to make a conclusion. There were all the acronyms, IRAC or whatever, but it really just comes down to that.

    8. My 55 year old husband practices patent law exclusively in the largest city in the SEUS state where we live. He has an undergraduate degree in engineering and started out at a boutique patent law firm in Chicago then worked in-house at a large company before going out on his own. He has so many law school graduates with impeccable credentials calling him looking for work that is truly disheartening.
       I work at at major university medical center where there are many lawyers employed filing grant applications alongside peers with two year associates degrees. It can be a tough market for sure.
       My husband’s encourages people with aspirations for law school to built some sort of technical base that would set them apart. My advice would be to focus on summer clerkship opportunities with utility companies and corporations rather than law firms.

    9. There’s a very specific path that a lot of law students think they have to follow. 170+ LSAT, top-whatever-ranked school, top 10% of class, summer at Biglaw, then go to that firm after a federal clerkship, make lots of money, eventually transfer in-house (corporate) or to a boutique (litigation). That is for sure a path that a lot of people take, and that a lot of people are happy with. But there are so many other ways to be a lawyer, and to truly love coming to work every day. It can be easy, especially in the curved-grades pressure-cooker of 1L, to compare yourself to everyone else and feel like you have to be on that path.

       But there are so many other options out there! I would encourage a 1L to keep an open mind about what the “ideal path” looks like, and spend a lot of time interning (even during the semester) to explore different paths. Once I discarded my preconceived notions of what “success” looked like, I felt free to shape my own sense of what a “successful career” means. I did a non-traditional clerkship-type thing, and have been at a small lit boutique for 3 years, and I am SO happy with my career path. I don’t make as much money as my BigLaw pals, which especially stings in my super-HCOL city, but I have much more flexibility with my time, and I’ve second-seated (and won!) two trials in which I had significant participation (witnesses, arguments, etc.). I’ve taken and defended more depositions than my BigLaw colleagues by a great order of magnitude. These things were important to me — so I encourage law students to really think critically about what’s important to them.

       1. Figure out early what he wants to do (i.e., what area of law). focus on it.
          Get good grades, early.

          A lot of people tell you that you don’t need to know what you want to do, etc. They largely went to law school a long time ago, or they went to a top 20 school and are really just theorizing about what would happen if you went to a “good regional school”.

          I went to a “good regional school” 5 years ago. Of my core group of law school friends, I am the only one that was in the top 20% graduating. I am the only one that went in knowing what area I wanted to practice in and focused everything I did around that.

          At graduation, I was the only one with a job. (a job I still have 5 years later).
          Five years out, of the 6 of us, I have the job above. 4 others are still working in non-law jobs. 1 *just* got her first associate position at a small firm after working law-adjacent jobs for the last 5 years, applying to about 10 jobs a week for eternity and networking her ass off.

          People are gonna tell you that you don’t have to know. People are going to tell you it’s ok to figure out out as you go. I’m going to disagree and tell you that you don’t have to go to a top school, and you don’t have to work biglaw (I don’t), but as someone above mentioned, you better figure out what you actually want to do, what is important to you, what you like about law and what area of law gets you the most of that and FOCUS.

          My .02 based on fairly recent, regional law school experience.

    10. When you do your pro bono hours, be professional. I work in a law school clinic and the lack of professionalism in work ethic, manner, emails, dress, and eye contract is terrible. Come to my office looking ready to help, not like you just got out of bed. Respond to my emails. Tell me if you aren’t coming when you said you were going to help. Do the work I asked you to do. I know it is free work but still.

11. Hello! I’m heading to Scandinavia and looking for some comfy but fashionable shoes to wear walking and biking around while wearing jeans. I was thinking maybe Rothys or something like that. Any recommendations?

    1. Unfortunately, I dont have a recommendation but I lived in Denmark for about six months and want to recommend looking for shoes that have a thick heel or are flats – those cobblestone streets are no joke!

    2. don’t get Rothy’s. they are just NOT that comfortable (in spite of the constant praise here). They’re just flat flats that also make your feet stink. they also don’t have support. I get that they’d be fine for some offices, but I wouldn’t for example, wear them to teach because I’m on my feet too much and they are like slippers. unsupportive slippers that end in a point.

       It sounds like fashion sneakers might be the way to go; Go Fug Yourself (the fashion blog) had a good roundup a week or so ago. a lot of Scandinavian fashion is bananas so go for it. Or you could get some flats with support and a good sole and maybe a strap. I have some clarks espadrille/slip on flats I wore all over Europe last summer and they’re very comfortable for 5-7 miles. they’re called “Azella theoni” for some reason. The brand Me Too has some comfortable flats. I’ve also had good luck with Tamaris or Gentle Souls.

    3. I love my allbirds for this kind of thing, they aren’t the most fashionable but they aren’t horrid either and oh so comfortable. I have Rothys and I hate them – most uncomfortable, overpriced shoe ever. I have them in my office now for emergency evacuations only. The worst.

    4. Agree with other posters. DEFINITELY not Rothys. Comfortable supportive and cute sneakers … like the locals!

       1. yesss so happy to see I’m not alone! one other thought — if you’re really committed to flats but want a “sneaker flat” (which might be what’s drawing you to Rothy’s?), then maybe try puma or northface or something… I thought Rothy’s were supposed to be “as comfortable as sneakers” (and thus in some way like sneakers?), but they definitely are not.

    5. I always bring a pair of Rothys when I travel. They pack flat, they’re super light, and they’re versatile – I can wear them strolling around in the evening and out to dinner or a bar. But they’re definitely not my walking around all day shoes. I have two pairs of Blondo sneakers that hold up over cobblestones. I mainly got them because they’re waterproof. Allbirds are also great for walking around all day but they’re not good in water.

       1. That’s a great use for Rothys. Just not a commuting shoe, a vacation walking shoe, and for many of us, not suitable as a work shoe all day because of the poor support/stinky issue/casual flair.

    6. I wear Vans with Jeans in Europe, the LoPro versions. Any “fashion sneaker” and you will fit in.

    7. If you have time, wait to buy a pair once you get there so you can see what locals are wearing. You’ll be less touristy and hopefully those who live there choose shoes appropriate for the weather, cobblestones, etc! Plus have a reminder of your trip when you wear the shoes back home.

       1. I wouldn’t do this. You risk ruining your trip with blisters from shoes that you haven’t broken in. And you’ll also likely waste a bunch of time trying to hunt down something that makes you happy. Do this sort of thing for something like a necklace that’s just for looks–not something integral to your comfort each day.

12. Don’t pay attention to how late people stay in the library or how extensive an outline they’ve done. It doesn’t correlate with success and will just add to your stress.

    1. THIS!!! A classmate used to routinely brag on FB about spending 12+ hours in the library studying. (I specifically remember one post about 17 hours.) He graduated with modest honors, but wasn’t journal or moot court. And? He failed the bar the first go-round.

    2. Agree. I’m the poster who commented to stay in your own lane and not worry about what everyone else is doing (or says they are doing) and this is an example of why. I rarely studied in the library bc it was like the students there were feeding off eachother s anxiety and the tension was palpable, so it just increased my stress. You also hear people talking about being in the library 12 hours, which makes you nervous bc you only studied 6 hours, but were they really studying for 12 hours or were they physically there for 12 hours but on Facebook, browsing the internet, talking to friends, etc and studying on and off between? 6 hours of focused, solid studying was probably just fine and it only freaks you out to hear about others’ strategies or work.

       1. I lived in the library but can see how YMMV. I’d pick a night a week if you are the anxious type. You need to connect with your classmates but maybe in small doses. If you go on TH, for example, you may get invited to parties (fun) or to socialize or to dinner, but the stress of the week is behind you.

          1. I agree with connecting with classmates. I just saw my studying and socializing as 2 separate things, particularly when exams came around (and mostly because I know myself to be a Chatty Cathy if left unchecked). Again, you have to find what works for you. I was largely a solo studier, but exchanged outlines with and met with a group of 4 to go over responses to practice exams in 2 or 3 hour blocks. For me, this was the best way to work with others without losing a lot of time I needed to really drill the subject.

             On the subject of outlines, I will also add that for me, the process of writing my own outline was an invaluable study tool for synthesizing the information. I supplemented with commercial outlines/horn books, but the time spent writing it (too many hours) cemented concepts for me and was the first step in committing topics to memory.

    3. When I was in law school about a hundred years ago, I told myself I was going to treat it like a 40-hour-a-week job. I put in 8 hours a day, five days a week, maybe a bit more at exam time. And lo and behold I ended up first in my class after the first year. It’s not necessarily about spending all your time in the library.

13. Let’s say you have been at the same job for a decade, at a big law/big 4/bulge bracket sort of place. Although you like the work and the people, and you have been loyal and never looked to leave, you’re starting to feel undervalued. They’ve been promising you a promotion to the top level of seniority for several years now, but in practice have promoted people more junior than you, and pushed back your promotion timeline by several years. You start casually looking, and you wind up with an offer at a competitor that comes with an immediate promotion. (Competitor job has benefits and drawbacks, but overall is a good package, and positions you well for a future move if it doesn’t work out.) You give notice at your current place in a painfully professional manner, and your manager is aghast and promises you a promotion basically immediately. What would you do? (And do you do it for “ethical” reasons or “business” reasons?)

    1. Take the competitor position. If they didn’t give you a promotion before, they won’t now. They will wait until you decline the other offer and scuttle back on their word. This current job does not see you as leadership or promotion material, the competitor does. Go with the real offer.

       1. +1 – the current job is just worried about staffing and will view you as disloyal/a flight risk of you stay, so they don’t have a lot of reason to keep you happy. I’ve rarely seen it work out great where a counteroffer is used for leverage.

    2. Leave! Take your new job! Don’t renege on accepting an offer if you can possibly avoid it (ethical reasons) and don’t stay at a place that’s only willing to promote you when losing you is literally the only alternative, and is still only willing to “promise” you a promotion, which they’ve been doing for years without following through on (business reasons). Enjoy your new job!

    3. I’d still leave. Go with the job/person promising you something to get you, not the person who is only motivated to treat you better when you’re walking out the door. Be the one who got away.

    4. Take the new job. If they miss you that badly, they will find a way to get you back in a few years. I have seen a lot of resentment generated from retention promotions and raises. This is a situation where you are a highly valued but they simply did not do what they should to keep you.

    5. Take the new job!

    6. Take the competitor offer. Current employer now have on their mind that you were leaving anyway, you have no guarantee the promotion will take effect or will entail the changes you want, and most importantly you get to start fresh without taking a pay cut

    7. People who only value you right as they are losing you to others (who value you unconditionally) do not actually value you at all.

    8. Yes, leave. You’ve already signaled your willingness to leave, which means the org will never view you as indispensable, esp if they have been able to promote others easily. But leave on good terms.

    9. In general, it’s a bad idea to accept a counteroffer. Ever. I have seen it time and time again: a candidate accepts a counteroffer that includes a promotion, feeling like “wow, they actually really value me!” Only to find out later, they are either shunted into meaningless work or a toothless management position, or they get laid off or fired later on a timeline that is more convenient to the employer.

       Place a higher value on yourself. You were dissatisfied enough to go all the way through the interview, offer, negotiation process with another employer. You gave notice. They didn’t give you what you wanted until you threatened to leave. This is like the romantic partner who ignores you until you threaten to break up with them. You deserve better. Thank your current employer for the offer but explain politely that your mind is made up and you are moving on. You wish them all the best and you hope they would say the same for you.

       If they’re smart – they’ll learn a lesson from this about not devaluing a good employee until they have no choice but to leave. Doubtful that will happen, but anything’s possible.

    10. Your current job has been lying to you about a promotion for YEARS. What’s more likely, that this time they are finally telling the truth or that they are doing what has worked for the last several years? Take the new job.

14. Has anyone taught English abroad, specifically in South Korea, Japan, or other SE Asia countries?

    I would very much like to experience living abroad in a culture completely different from my own (so far I have lived in 4 countries but always in Western Europe). It’s one of my main “life goals” and now that I’m out of school, in a job in my field (which seems hard to do remotely or abroad as it’s a blend of research/policy/consulting), etc. I am starting to think I need to actively pursue it or it’s not going to happen.

    From what I see online, it seems that teaching English abroad could be a fairly attainable way of living abroad. I am early career/mid-twenties so I am thinking now would be a good time (no responsibilities or liabilities in my personal life, wouldn’t look too weird to take a year off (?), etc.).

    Another option would be to keep working in my current career path but actively keep my eyes open for opportunities to make myself more marketable for working remotely (currently I don’t see how it could work in my field though) or for a move abroad (conferences etc.?). But this seems much more nebulous and uncertain.

    I would love to hear from people who wanted to live abroad or travel long-term and have made it work. I have some opportunities through my job to transfer, do secondments etc. in a few years but these are all in countries with a similar culture to my current country so not really what I’m looking for, though I would definitely do it if given the opportunity. Thank you in advance for any insights!

    1. Korea and Japan aren’t SE Asian countries.

    2. When looking Asian countries to teach English, I wouldn’t bother unless you are ethnically white or white passing. This has nothing to do with your capabilities to teach English and everything to do with what these schools overwhelmingly look for and hire. Unless you apply to an international school, most Asian schools looking for an English teacher seek what, due to Western media, what they think a typical North American or Western European will look like (i.e. white, light eyes and hair). It is very hard to get hired otherwise. But an international IB school (i.e. lots of expats from different countries) is a good way to go, as they prefer more diverse teaching staff that reflects the student body.

       1. This is not true. I taught in Japan through JET. I am Mediterranean skin tone, dark brown hair, brown eyes. My colleagues were an American whose parents were Jamaican/Chinese, an Australian whose parents were from Taiwan, an African American from DC, etc.

          OP I did this with the mind it would be a gap year. I changed fields and used the time abroad to figure out what I wanted to do. I took the LSAT while I was there and started law school when I got back. I thought it was a great time for personal growth, but it hasn’t been much of an asset professionally because I don’t do international work now and my language skills faded pretty fast.

          1. Just because your school was different does not mean that the preference for white North Americans and Europeans doesn’t still widely apply. And sorry to tell you, you may be tan but you’re still white so you don’t go against this point. You’re educated, you should know a personal tidbit based on a few does not correspond to the whole.

             1. You don’t know my background and I didn’t say I was white. You’re obviously not familiar with the program because it is not run by one school- it’s run by the Japanese government. I am suspicious you do not have first hand experience teaching in Asia as a POC and are just parroting.

             2. Also, your anecdata is no better than mine.

             3. I am Korean American and taught in Japan. I too wanted to try living in a foreign country and wanted the gap year/something easy, and got stuck in a backwards town that only saw me as “not a real american”.

                I’m a double ivy, 99% in verbal, and had a master in teaching when they were like, “um, we’d like a “real” american [man] please” to the JET program facilitator.

                Now I’m wondering if I should have taught in Korea on the Fulbright.

                but that was approx 10 years ago so maybe things are better now.

       2. I actually came across many non-white Youtubers who teach/taught English in Asia. I do think they prefer that English is your mother tongue (so a born in the US American would be preferred over a naturalized American).
          OP, you can search Youtube for vblogs of people who have done this, but from my impression the pay is quite low, many of them teach in a smaller town (so not Seoul, but more like a suburb of Busan), and preparation for some culture shock will be advisable.

    3. It sounds like this could be a good time for you to do an early career fellowship, perhaps something like Princeton in Asia: https://piaweb.princeton.edu/for-applicants The opportunities are not limited to Princeton graduates, and there is a lot of support and community.

    4. Both of my siblings did this. My brother did this in Taiwain for around 8 or 10 years. My sister did this in China for a year or two, but then built a career doing other things (initially doing translation work for companies who wanted documents to read in conversational English).

       I think this experience will be what you make of it. Financially, after getting their feet under them, both were able to attain a good standard of living. In terms of personal satisfaction, I think you need to find a place with a good expat community (seriously – don’t underestimate the importance of this!), and I also think that you need to make a good faith effort to learn the local language. I think future employers want to see that you gained something from this experience (language skills, cultural awareness, etc.).

       This is just my opinion, but if you know that teaching English to kids/adults is not your end goal and you eventually want to return to the U.S., don’t stay in that job for too long. Do it, immerse yourself in it, but extract as much benefit as you can for a year or so and then be done.

       1. Yes — make it like a gap year or it will be your career.

    5. I taught English for one year at a university in Bangkok. Amazing experience. I used Thailand as my base to travel throughout SE Asia. Thailand is an amazing country with so many things to see/do: beaches, mountains, city life, temples. And of course, amazing food. The pay was quite low but so was the cost of living.

       If i had the chance to do it again, seeing all the places I’ve seen, I would still go back to Thailand.

    6. The preference for white Americans/Europeans is very real. The racism against other races teaching English, even if they were born and raised in America or the UK/Australia/Canada. etc is a very very real. My mom was an administrator for local Taiwanese preschool that wanted English teachers in Taiwan and they always prefered to hire whites, even if their teaching qualifications weren’t as good. So be aware of this if you aren’t blond white blue eyes and pale skin. This was about 5-10 years ago, so they could have opened up a bit more now.

       It was much harder for American-born and raised Taiwanese young adults to get a spot to teach English, even though one would think that being able to also communicate to the students in Mandarin and English would be a plus…

       I don’t think you should let the racism stop you from thinking and doing this – my only other note is that if you do go abroad, do try to learn the local language and realize that the first month- to a year of adjustment is pretty tough. My mom recalls one English teacher who had to be sent home after a month because the teacher couldn’t deal with the massive culture shock of moving from the US to Taiwan (completely different language, customs, food, etc).

    7. Do it! You don’t have kids or a mortgage (I assume) — travel light and do this bucket list thing! Where I lived, I was close-ish to a major international airport, so for $99 I could fly to [cool place] or [cool place] for a few days! I saw a lot of my colleagues go home a lot, which of course makes sense, but I am really glad I stayed.

       I’m in a phase right now (toddler, career, breadwinning, house) where travel for pleasure is limited to a road trip across the state and maybe flying to see relatives. I have every intention of kicking that up a notch in a few years (gonna get that kid’s passport stamped next summer!) but for now it’s just not in the cards. I’m so glad I bummed around SE Asia when I had the chance.

15. We hosted a neighborhood cookout for Memorial Day (potluck – we did the grilling and asked everyone else to bring a side or dessert). Many neighbors brought wine as a hostess gift, which I wasn’t expecting for a potluck. One of the neighbors has invited us over for dinner tonight as a return gesture of hospitality – do we also bring a hostess gift? If so, what? Wine seems silly since we’d just be trading bottles.

    1. Bring wine under the guise of drinking it together tonight. No pressure to do so, and you just leave the unopened bottle with them if you don’t. Or bring something extra fancy for dessert?

    2. Ask what you can bring – dessert or appetizer? I think a bottle of wine or a 6pack of good beer is always a nice touch and is pretty standard in my friend group. Nobody seems worried about swapping bottles. We all like wine.

    3. This is a dinner party, not a potluck, so I would bring a hostess gift, which is distinct from contributing something to the meal they’re hosting you for. Flowers, box of chocolates, nice jam, etc.

       1. +1. It’s rude to show up to dinner at someone’s house with food that needs to be consumed immediately. Bring something like wine or fancy chocolates that the hostess can save and enjoy and later. I think wine is fine, I wouldn’t worry about swapping bottles at all.

    4. Personally, I think it’s fine to just trade bottles of wine. I always think it’s fun to learn about new wines I haven’t tried from friends and introduce them to wines that I like. If you don’t want to do wine, you could always bring flowers.

       1. +1 – bring the wine. “We got so much wine at our potluck that we didn’t get to it all, so I’m bring some to share”

          1. Nonono don’t say that. If you want to regift, that’s one thing (as long as you know it’s not a bottle they’d know was from them or someone else), but you don’t SAY that’s what you’re doing. It should be its own gift from you to them, not your leftovers.

    5. Never show up to someone’s house empty handed. Trading bottles of wine is fine.

    6. In these situations, I always go to our local confectioner/bakery store and get a box of expensive macarons she wouldn’t buy herself.

    7. We had people over and someone showed up with a bottle of Champagne and a box of cream puffs and I now want to invite her to everything.

       1. HAHA and so you should!

16. Going on a last minute weekend trip to Philly (BFF lives in NY, I’m in DC, so getting together halfway) and would love suggestions of fun things to do! Any great restaurants/bars/spots off the usual historic tourist path? Thanks!

    1. EAT ALL THE THINGS

       Probably too late for a reservation at Zahav, but Suraya has delicious Lebanese fare and gorgeous cocktails. Try a fresh doughnut or a spicy chicken sandwich at Federal Doughnuts. Get gelato at Capogiro in Center City, then people-watch in Rittenhouse Square or on the new Rail Park (Philly’s version of the High Line–just opened). Go to free Saturday boating or riverfront yoga at Bartram’s Garden. Get a cheese board at Talula’s Daily. Go the Headhouse Square market on Sunday and find the most beautiful produce in the city. Celebrate Juneteenth with a major music festival and parade in Center City. Wander around Society Hill or West Philly to gawk at the gorgeous architecture, windowboxes, and gardens. Catch the Juneteenth parade tomorrow–floats, marching bands and drill teams, a flyover (!!), and a Caribbean carnival–between Center City and Penn’s Landing.

       Skip the cheesesteak and the Liberty Bell.

       1. If you want to tour something that is not a standard museum, yet educational, take a tour of the Eastern State Penitentiary. Highly recommend.

       2. Go to the Mutter Museum then discuss what you’ve seen over drinks at Hop Sing Laundromat bar. They are serious about cocktails.

          The area on the waterfront (sorry, not a Philadelphian so I can’t remember which water) is really, really nice. Food trucks and places to get a beer, hammocks, and usually some kind of hipster craft fair.

    2. Long response in mod. Stay tuned and have a great time!

    3. Check out uwishunu.com, there should be a post of all the happenings for this week. For things to do, there should be a few street festivals this weekend, the Mutter museum is fun and not overwhelming or too time consuming, and the Magic Gardens are always popular.

17. Favorite fashion tape? I have a dress with a very wide neckline and need to fasten my bra straps out of the way. Is this a “just buy whatever” product or are there really good versions and bad versions?

    1. safety pin your bra straps to the shoulders instead of tape

       1. Agree. I pin it to the seams or one side of the fabric, so the pins don’t show, and then feed my straps through the hole in the middle of the pin.

    2. I’m a huge fan of fashion tape and use it regularly (Hollywood fabric tape), but I’m not sure it would work all that well securing a bra strap to a wide-necked top. I don’t think it’s strong enough. Although not too long ago someone mentioned using toupee tape in lieu of fashion tape and said it was way stronger, so maybe look into that?

    3. Strapless bra is what I’d do.

    4. You can have a tailor put in little bra stays with snaps so that the top stays anchored to the bra straps wherever you put the bra strap on your shoulder.

       1. These are the best. Definitely worth the effort.

18. I work for a small but growing non-proft. Our pro bono attorney, from a major firm in our major city, recently helped our Board draft a new employee handbook.

    The handbook contains sections on the importance of using PTO for vacation, mandatory reporting, and even bringing pets to work. It makes NO MENTION of parental leave–not even a crummy statement about there not being any.

    WTF are they thinking? I am probably the only person for whom this will be relevant in the next few years, but I find this omission really puzzling and rather counter to the stated goals of nurturing and inspiring diverse staff.

    1. Can you point this out and have the handbook revised? It was likely an oversight.

       1. What does it say about a committee of very bright, very dedicated people that they overlooked this?

          1. Why do you think they overlooked it? They don’t provide it. Handbooks don’t outline benefits you don’t get. That’s absurd.

             Hey FYI no dental! No summer Fridays! No free lunches!

             If you don’t like it, fine. But your criticism is off base.

          2. That they’re probably all old, white men!

       2. It is possibly an oversight if a bunch of men drafted it and no one has gone on parental leave recently. Sad but true. Just ask. You at least know you have FMLA once you qualify for it.

    2. You can bring pets to work and you don’t even get a statement on parental leave? That’s nuts. I would definitely point this out, especially if it’s still in draft!

    3. I would assume this is just an oversight. Why not just ask?

    4. I’m not sure why you seem more annoyed with the lawyer than the organization- the lawyer is only drafting the policies that they are told exist, they don’t actually make the policy. Am I misreading here? Ask the head of your org what their policy is on parental leave.

       1. Yeah, you’re right that my header was unnecessarily pointed. There are a lot of policies in the draft that actually don’t currently exist in practice and haven’t been flagged by leadership as priorities (like only being able to carry over a certain amount of PTO), so my read was that the lawyers were taking the initiative to tighten up existing generous policy or suggesting policies based on their experience at what I assume are more formal workplaces. If they’re changing policies to that degree, I don’t know why they wouldn’t have flagged parental leave as something to include.

          1. My guess is that the attorney did bring it up and the organization powers that be decided against including a formal written policy. Could be that they have decided to deal with this when it happens and they want the discretion to deal with it on a case by case basis when it presents itself.

             1. +1. As a lawyer, I often bring it up and advise small companies to deal with it on a case by case basis when it presents itself. The conversation usually goes like this.
                Me: “Do you have a parental leave policy?”
                Client: “No. It’s never come up. I guess we’d do what the law requires.”
                Me: “You have 2 employees. The law doesn’t require you to do anything.”
                Client: “We can do better than nothing.”
                Me: “Putting a parental leave policy in writing has pros and cons, like X and Y. I suggest you leave it out and handle it on a case-by-case basis. As you grow, it may be appropriate to add a policy.”

          2. I would agree – a good lawyer should be flagging this issue to the administration even if they overlooked it. Definitely bring it up.

             1. What? She has no idea the lawyer didn’t raise this. None. This is bad advice

    5. It’s up to the company to come up with their policies and lawyers to review them for legality. This is not a lawyer issue. Outsourcing handbooks means that you will just get a set of commonly used policies, not ones that necessarily reflect your company or it’s culture. Talk to HR.

19. I am hunting for a petite dress for my frame: small-busted, short-waisted, pear shape with a tummy. It seems that all the cute dresses have reviews that say tight on the bottom and big on the top. I need the opposite!

    1. Try fit and flare dresses.

20. I AM EXTREMELY CRANKY TODAY.

    Sorry for yelling. It is not your collective fault, I just needed to get it out there. Feel free to join me in time out.

    1. It’s not just you. I swear there’s something in the water. I’ve been very cranky all week and so has like… everyone in my orbit. At first I thought it was just me (because I’m admittedly cranky) but no even road rage has been at an all time high. I’m so ready for this week to be over.

       1. I know, I had terrible road rage on the way to work this morning, which was not like me. Need to see if Mercury is in retrograde or something like that.

    2. Ugh so am I! WTF is happening this week????????????????????????????

    3. I got to bed at 2AM on Sunday night after a long road trip, and I haven’t recovered, so couple that with current events and GAAAAH SO MUCH CRANKY. I need a juice box and a nap.

       Did I say juice box? I mean wine.

       1. This week has been rough. On Wednesday, I called my husband on my way home from a painful deposition that lasted all day and when he picked up and asked what I wanted for dinner, I just yelled, “WINE.”

    4. I put a sign on my office door once. “Very Cranky, Enter at Your Own Risk.” Only the business owner came in. It was great!

    5. SAME! I’m so glad it’s Friday. I’m taking Kiddo on a sushi date tonight (the conveyor belt kind! I think she’ll really dig it!) and I just want the day to be over so I can get to the fun part.

    6. I feel you, sis. I’m on day 3 of a migraine/cluster headache (side note, is this where the term cluster f**k comes from, because I feel extremely f**ked)

       I’d hive five you but it would hurt my head.

21. What are your favorite house tour websites? I have some time on my hands and I need decoration inspiration. I like the house tours on Cup of Jo, but I’ve never really delved into the design world online and don’t know where to start.

    1. I like SF Girl by the Bay and Design Sponge

    2. Hookedonhouses .net

    3. It’s not house tours, but Cote de Texas is a wonderful site about decorating. She researches everything exhaustively and I always learn something from it even though my taste doesn’t skew French or English like hers does.

    4. I love House of Turquoise dot com. They all start to look alike after a while but I love them so much I don’t even care.

22. Distant family member is getting married and I cannot attend. I am sending a card with my regrets and good wishes, and wanted to send flowers. When you send someone flowers this way, from across the country, what type to you send and how do you keep it from getting quite pricey?

    1. 1800 Flowers. It’s expensive though. Flowers aren’t cheap in general, and they’re super expensive when you have to pay for delivery. (Also flowers seem like an odd choice for a wedding gift – are you sure she’ll be around and isn’t heading out of town for a honeymoon?)

       1. Thanks. We’re sending them way before the wedding.

       2. 1-800 flowers just outsources to local florists, and often orders don’t turn out very well. I would contact a florist local to the couple (though I also think that flowers might not be a good choice if they’ll be away from their home for a few days/on a honeymoon/ busy with other things around the wedding date). Champagne or a gift card to somewhere they’re registered might be more manageable.

          1. No registry. It is months before the wedding. They are rich and honestly, I wouldn’t dare buy alcohol for them as they are very… specific in their preferences….. Just want to make a nice gesture. They will be home for months and I don’t think they are taking a honeymoon per se. They already live together, small wedding at their house etc…

    2. I’ve always had good luck with Pro Flowers. Google for a coupon code and send whatever fits in your budget.

       1. Thanks! I didn’t know this website. Any type of flower you like to send for this time of year/congrats? Or things to avoid…?

    3. I like Farm Girl Flowers or Bloom That – both are in most of the country now and a little more modern/reliable that you get a nice looking arrangement

    4. Bouqs.

    5. I try to find a local florist in their town. Ime Pro Flowers just uses smaller florists anyway so why not give the business directly to the little guy?

       1. I have done that before! I will glance at this option too. They live in a very expensive area in California, so not sure local would be cheaper…. but you are right that it is good to support the local business.

       2. +1. You can also give them a price and have them use whatever’s freshest/best.

    6. Look on the internet for florists in their area, choose one based on their advertisement, and order flowers. You may be lucky and they are already are known to the florist, who will then give you appropriate local advice and may even know the couple. One of my siblings, who does not live on the same continent as me, does this and it has worked well for a number of years. I do the same for her!

23. Should I write a thank you note after an interview with government lawyers? They never provided me their email address/business cards, but their assistant copied them on an email to me confirming my (second) interview with the same people. I didn’t send thank you note the after first round because I didn’t have their email addresses at all then – a different assistant sent my confirmation for that one, and didn’t copy them. They already told me next steps, time frame, told me how many people were left in the running.

    Fwiw, I personally wished people didn’t send me thank you notes because I don’t need more email, unless they have a specific question or something, but recognize I may be in the minority.

    1. Yes. I’ve moved people down who don’t send notes as I take it as a sign of disinterest. Not everyone does, but why run the risk? I’m also not in the minority’s with this view at my company. And definitely email.

       1. I just want to point out that the tradition to send thank you notes is a very American thing and your standard practice might unconsciously keep you from hiring talented people who didn’t grow up here or whose parents didn’t teach them this norm.

          1. You could say that about literally ever American hiring practice.

             1. I don’t really get this response. Compared to other countries, things like no photos, age or nationality on applications looks like an attempt to prevent loss of talent through discrimination.

                Just because there are other things to fix as well, it’s still worth pointing out a consequence that maybe the poster didn’t intend for.

          2. It is not only a very American tradition, but it’s viewed differently by different American social classes and in different professions (e.g., desperate a$$-kissing in contexts where it’s not conventional vs. the only polite thing to do where it is conventional). I think it’s best to be generous when someone may have gotten the convention wrong.

    2. I would send a thank you email if you have time, but wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve sat on interview panels a few times at different workplaces, and honestly thanks yous never counted for much (and once dinged a candidate when she added a loonnnng addendum about how she wished she’d answered a question differently and it sounded quite defensive).

    3. OK, OK, I guess I’ll send one this afternoon then. I don’t want to, but I am glad for this feedback.

24. Yay for the Supreme Court today! I practice criminal defense and we have all been anxiously awaiting the Carpenter opinion. Finally some good news in the sea of awful.

    1. Thanks for the tip! I’m trying to read about it but my f**king employer internet will not let me read a news article about a Supreme Court decision… ugh

25. Has anyone done a true news detox for months at a time? I’d like to get off this roller coaster of insanity that we are on right now, but I worry that I will miss out or not be able to keep up with conversations. But the current chaos is driving me nuts!

    1. Instead of going completely news media free, can you set limits on yourself? Figure out who has a decent daily digest (NYT, WaPo, WSJ, someone else) or podcast (NPR I think). That will keep you updated on headlines. Include some local news intake. Then allow yourself not to read every link that pops up on social media and turn the channel from the 24hr broadcasts.

    2. There was a piece in the NYT earlier this spring about a man who had gone totally news-free since the 2016 election–even requesting the baristas in the local cafe to turn off NPR when he came in–and he came across as horrifically privileged and arrogant (even for a middle-aged white man). I totally understand and share your desire to step back from the regular chaos, but I want us both to stay aware of the big-picture developments so that I can be responsive in other ways. None of us can afford to be totally sheltered.

       That said, I’ve tried to think about how people got news when I was a child, and I’ve dialed back accordingly. I’ve found great success in turning off all news alerts and e-digests, ceasing to look at Facebook, and only looking at the NYT website once a day, just as I would if I got the paper delivered. (I’ve never watched TV news, and I don’t listen to news radio.) That helps significantly: I feel informed without being shackled to either FB arguments or the hourly barrage of rage-inducers.

    3. Maybe read the actual newspaper and stay offline.

    4. Getting rid of (or reducing access to) FB helped me, since my newsfeed turned it to a deluge of articles after (well, and before) the election. It’s easy to just scroll and scroll and refresh and refresh over and over again looking for more. Taking the app of my phone reduces that input so when I want to read news, I have to read it. I don’t accidentally stumble upon it, if that makes sense. This worked for me as I don’t want to be uninformed, but I also wanted to get out of the loop I was in and control it more.

26. Beautiful blouse :D You look lovely in it :)

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