Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Giraffe Jacquard Cozy Boyfriend Cardigan

424 Comments

1. Buyer beware post about a brand endorsed here: Linoto.

   I needed a new set of linen sheets and decided to try them after the warm recommendations here. In short – incompetent business that will smother you with lies and non existent customer service.

   They cannot get their story straight – first it is 4-6 weeks delivery time because covid disruptions. Then, when I cancel because of said delivery time, my order miraculously ships the same day – because they happen to have what I’ve ordered on hand. Next, the USPS package never arrives, despite delivered status and I am left in mystery land “oh, sometimes packages show up later” and “oh, the post office signed for it and is holding it for you”. This adds up to one big “I am taking my business elsewhere” as far as I’m concerned.

   1. That was s awful customer service! Guess I’ll reconsider as I have had them on my wish list for a while now.

   2. They’re not alone though; I’ve had a lot of orders ship very, very late lately, and I’ve had a lot of packages marked “delivered” that did indeed show up later. One company reshipped my order and then the original order came a week afterwards. Another packages was several weeks late, so I contacted the company about it, and they were getting ready to ship a new order when the package finally arrived! So I guess I understand why they’re asking customers to wait a bit longer, if they know this is happening a lot?

      1. H&M took forever to ship my package and then by the time I finally called, they said they had already shipped and it would be delivered the next day, despite never having sent me a shipping confirmation email. They also provide tracking on their website and it hadn’t been updated.

         1. I would be interested in learning more about what’s actually happening. Are companies hurting and understaffed after letting people go? How can FedEx or USPS or whoever mark a package as “delivered” before it has been? Is there some strange incentive situation where the benefits of appearing to have fast arrival times outweigh the costs of some apparent misdelivered or missing packages? Is it just some kind of system error? I realize Amazon’s thing where they take a picture of the delivered package is probably intended to prove it was there if it’s later stolen. It is probably also burdensome to the drivers. But it’s been really helpful lately compared to the false “package delivered” notifications I’m getting elsewhere.

            1. It’s a challenging business environment that requires strong focus on operations and being extremely flexible. A completely different skill set than putting a cute story on a webpage about finding the best linen out there.

               I agree these are objective challenges – but I am able to get a product with similar quality and price point from Europe within a week (from order to actually sleeping on it). Why would I want to deal with usps, customer service and so on?

            2. I do all of my shopping online and this happens almost 100% of the time. I don’t understand what the point of tracking is if they are just marking things as “delivered” randomly. I usually get the package 3-5 days after the carrier says it was “delievered”. It’s very strange, they will even make up details re who accepted it.

      2. Yeah this happens all the time with Amazon, which is infuriating because 1) they have their own drivers so I’m not here for them throwing up their hands and claiming there’s nothing to be done about the delivery service, 2) sometimes the tracking info will say “handed to resident” which would seem to suggest that it was handed to a person, not floating around in purgatory, and 3) deliveries routinely get delivered to the wrong house and a lot of the neighbors aren’t great at returning mis-delivered packages.

         1. Why is anyone still using Amazon?

            1. Um, it’s way more reliable, faster and more detailed and accurate to track than USPS. Shipping and returns are incredibly easy, they credit back right away so it often doesn’t hit my credit card and it’s more cost efficient for me. They carry things brick and mortar near me doesn’t (try having enormous feet and being plus and relying on the mall) and there is no running around while trying to figure out what to do with my kids. Product photos and info from the brands I usually use tends to be reliably detailed and accurate. I’m trying not to shop face to face more than I have to in a global pandemic. There is a reason why it dominates. When you don’t have a ton of money, have a lot of specific needs and limited ability to comparison shop in person. That may be hard to see though when you are up so high in an ivory tower.

            2. Anonymous at 12:29, you need to do some research about what you’re supporting. There are other ways.

            3. Lol there are many other places to shop online besides Amazon. Try again.

   3. If it helps, I’ve had this happen with many businesses I’ve ordered from during the pandemic. I can see why that would be a disappointing situation for you, though!

      1. Ikea has been a disaster. I put in an order in July and still haven’t gotten it despite it being “scheduled” several times since.

         1. Yeah, Ikea has never invested in their online business and I couldn’t even get their pickup option to work. It’s mind blowing what a poor response they’ve had, they’re really married to the idea of you getting forced to wander around in the showroom.

   4. This seems like a criticism of the current USPS as much as or more than of Linoto. I, too, am finding a lot of packages marked “delivered” that show up later. There has been some press coverage of this specific issue (not general USPS delays), too.

      1. I’ve been having crazy delays with legal business mail with USPS right now. I’m also in a swing state for what it is worth. I received a court order from the next state over (usually 2-3 day mailing time) that was mailed on Oct 6 and I did not get it until Oct 20.

         I mailed a refund to a client on Oct 2 and he still hasn’t received it. We are going to cancel and re-issue and send priority with tracking but the whole endeavor will cost my firm $50+.

         I know that in short staffed states, USPS has said they are prioritizing election mail so maybe that is why everything else is delayed? I know I’m getting plenty of flyers for the various candidates.

         1. I’m not even in a swing state, and I’ve had a terrible time with USPS lately. Some days, we get no mail at all, and then on Day 3, we get a ton of mail. I sent a certified letter to an address in a city an hour away, and delivery wasn’t even attempted for two full weeks. I’m receiving mail for several other addresses, some for other houses on my street and some for houses with the same number but on streets with totally different names. A tenant’s check, sent automatically from the bank, never showed up (it was supposed to arrive Oct. 1, and the tenant showed me a screenshot of the bank saying it had been sent).

      2. Yes, I have had a ton of USPS delays and no tracking information available until it arrives or is delivered.

      3. Just piling on: I’ve had a lot of trouble with USPS lately (not in a swing state). Our carrier simply doesn’t deliver mail on Mondays. The carrier will also wait until we have a “critical mass” of mail and packages. So we’ll go several days with an empty mailbox, then all of a sudden it is STUFFED to the gills. UPS and FedEx are a little slower than usual, but stuff shows up eventually (and is not marked delivered until AFTER it arrives at my house).

      4. USPS has an informed daily digest tool we use for our home. It shows you scans of what should be delivered to your home that day. Basically images of what items went out the door of the local post office for delivery to your home for that day.
         We started using it when our neighborhood USPS routinely missed multiple days in a row. When you call to complain, you have some proof that mail is not arriving.

   5. If you’re still in the market for linen sheets, I highly recommend Rough Linen. Great products and I’ve always experienced very responsive service.

      1. +1 to this rec…and I don’t even like linen sheets. I ordered from them to test and see if I liked them, and thought the ordering experience was good. The sheets were very nice linen too, just not for me…I’ll keep my linen to clothing!

         1. I have them on my radar, thank you!

   6. I have learned to be patient. It’s unreasonable to expect the same service level in the middle of a pandemic. The people shipping you things are short staffed so they can observe social distancing, and taking longer to get packages ready. The carriers are dealing with a consumer volume similar to Christmas. Target and Walmart ship food, then toiletries as a priority and then the other random things we order. UPS has limited how much each retailer can put on a truck so everyone is shipping but everything is delayed. Each of the services have been hiring, using subcontractors, etc. But instead of railing about the inability to get on demand designer sheets, we should be grateful our supply chain is still running.

      1. I agree but am also okay with choosing retailers who are doing a better job relatively.

      2. Umm – no. I am railing against a business’s ability to give me accurate information about the status of the order. It all started with 4-6 weeks expected time to ship the order. Now I have to deal with a missing package situation, for a package I am going to return. Linoto is positioning themselves as a premium brand and I expect better service for this price point.

   7. oofdah, sorry! I’ve recommended Linoto here a few different times because I really liked them. I ordered in June and my order was backordered. I called once and my phone call was immediately picked up by someone who could answer my question right away. That worked for me, and I love the quality. But sorry that your experience wasn’t good, especially since I recommend them.

      FWIW, COVID backordering issues are really real – I place a lot of orders for work and it’s the most random things that are effected. They also shared when I called that they were swamped after Blackout Tuesday in June because they were widely recommended as a Black owned small business people could support. I really got the impression they were doing the best they can, and that means something to me when it’s coming from a small business. I give them way more leeway than a bigger business, especially in a pandemic when I imagine that increasing your staff to fulfill your now way increased orders safely is a very difficult situation.

      1. Oh no – nothing to apologize for! thank you for being gracious when I shared a different experience.

         I think I’m going through a broader disappointment with a lot of the newish brands that have sprung up in the last years. The quality of the product gets truly tested in a couple year’s time, not the first month you use it (looking at you Away check-in suitcase that lasted me 2 trips only). And the customer service is often lacking.

   8. This is so disappointing. I wasn’t going to buy anything from this retailer, but I do come here for reliable recommendations and this makes me question the kinds of suggestions I am getting here. Maybe the readers are not quite as discerning as I thought. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. I have put Link to on my never-patronize list based on the delivery issues. And I am soooo sorry you were so inconvenienced in your linen sheet buying. I am glad you found a retailer up to snuff, though!!

2. Custom made wood furniture recommendations? I need a dining table in an odd shape for my kitchen nook – 5 feet long but a width narrower than the standard 36-40 inches. I haven’t found anything available so thinking of having one made by Amish/other manufacturers.

   1. No recs as I’m in the UK, but I’ve had decent luck on Etsy. I’m having a desk designed to fit a specific space and my finicky desk preferences, and found a really lovely company with good reviews.

   2. This is so so location specific that you really need to say where you are located. My family pretty routinely commissions from their local Amish community. It’s not cheap but it’s heirloom quality (things like dovetail joints).

      1. Yeah, I’d probably start by googling “custom furniture + location” and go from there. My parents bought an Amish-made outdoor table (not custom) and it still looks amazing almost 20 years later.

      2. This. I am in Pennsylvania and we order custom from the Amish retailers in the area – Gish’s Furniture and Penn Dutch Furniture are 2 of the best. Quality is excellent and you can order exactly what you need….takes 8-10 weeks to have your piece made and delivered.

   3. I’d google (and maybe ask a local FB group?) for “custom cabinetry” recommendations. I’m looking to have some built ins done and those are the keywords that uncovered the local furniture/kitchen cabinets/built-ins people in my area. Unfortunately it is not a large group of folks, and we don’t have a local Amish community. I’d also warn you that it is expensive but you do (happily) then get to choose exactly what you want.

      1. She’s looking for furniture, why wouldn’t she ask for custom furniture recommendations?

   4. Room and Board does several of their table options in custom sizes, if that fits with your esthetic.

   5. Room and board does custom width tables. They have some options with a more modern aesthetic and you can order online.

   6. Gothic Cabinet Craft is a NYC-area company that does very good quality custom work, solid wood. My parents have a zillion bookcases from them (some 20-30+ years old), and I have a headboard and just ordered a TV stand. Highly recommend if you’re in the area.

   7. Depending on your taste, try Furniturea from Maine. I have a fully custom table from them that’s about 6 years old and has moved twice at this point. Great workmanship, lots of options for sizes and colors.

   8. Etsy is easy to find custom wood furniture but the shipping may be a beast. Look for custom woodwork on etsy or google located in your city or state/province and make sure to see examples of their work (that is clearly in their factory or workshop and not pulled off google images). As far as a straight forward dining table, it won’t be hard to get one done at specific lengths.

   9. If you are in the DMV, Hardwood Artisans is amazing. I don’t know if they have showrooms anymore (long ago they had several), but they are still in business. Every piece is custom made. I have 2 bedroom sets in different styles and a TV stand/stereo cabinet (from when those pieces of equipment were large) that are all very different, very beautiful, and going strong after 25 years or so.

   10. Google your nearest woodworking supply store, call them and ask who does custom work that they can recommend.

   11. Where do you live? If DC area – Warehouse Showrooms works with all American made furniture co and those companies will customize for you and prices aren’t unreasonable. If southern Va, Green Front Furniture. IDK how much they customize but it’s like 10 football fields worth of American made furniture — often I’ve gone there thinking I need custom made but then they have what I want (it’s the 10 warehouses + ordering capability from all those manufacturers also if something isn’t on the floor).

3. Recommendation for a small but meaningful 40th birthday present for my husband? The trip I had planned obviously won’t happen, so we’re spending a few days in the country with our toddler but I wanted to give him something small to unwrap as well. All his hobbies are expensive or digital (cycling, walking, computer games). We’re also buying a house this month so keen to keep expenses low.

   1. https://www.amazon.com/Scottish-Islands-Bestselling-Guide-Island/dp/1782116788

      This book is beautiful and for a walker has so much great info on the islands. With a nice inscription about many more happy years walking together.

      1. That is an excellent recommendation, with the cavaet that I HATE ferries and treeless Scottish islands. My inscription would have to be ‘Enjoy walking alone, because your wife hates ferries and likes trees!’

         1. This is definitely something I would write in a book to my husband.

   2. Cyclist here – there’s ALWAYS a new cycling knick-knack. Does he cycle indoors in the winter? Is there anything that would make his indoor cycling space better? A fan, maybe?

      How advanced a cyclist is he? Has he already had a professional bike fitting?

      Otherwise, I can never have enough pairs of cycling shorts.

      1. Not super advanced, mostly cycling for exercise and for commuting (with a kiddo on the back). But some sort of cool cycling thing would likely be welcome.

         1. Maybe some cold weather cycling gear, so that he can extend his cycling season? I’m thinking cold weather cycling gloves or a cycling jacket.

         2. New rain gear, panniers, helmet lights, or gloves? Don’t have any specific brand recs but those are my go-tos for bikers.

         3. Cycling gloves! Maybe with reflective fingers?

         4. A landmark birthday is a perfect opportunity for a fancy bar bag or other accessory from Brooks England or Rapha – they’re pricey but the quality is very high. Or if he likes to watch pro cycling, Handmade Cyclist on Etsy has some lovely items.

         5. My DH really likes nice cycling socks. Maybe some wool cycling socks?

            Years ago, I gave my husband a pint beer glass with a road bike on it. He uses it to drink water out of all day at home. It’s his favorite.

   3. For a friends 40th, the husband had friends and family submit videos of well wishes to his wife. He mashed them all together and made a mini movie for her. If you are technical enough to do it, I think it’s a great gift.

   4. Hip flask engraved with ‘aged 40 years’ and a bottle of a malt from near the place your are staying?

   5. If you are looking for something sentimental and won’t be put off by the “mushiness” of it, I can recommend an Etsy shop that sells lovely, small wood boxes that come engraved with “Reasons Why I Love You” on the lid. There are wooden tokens inside shaped like hearts engraved with personalized reasons (inside jokes, nicknames, etc). I got this gift for my fiance, then-boyfriend, maybe a year or so ago and he seemed to really like it :) I know it’s cheesy, but you can get very funny and specific with the messages on the tokens!

      Even if you don’t like that particular idea, there are lots of sweet, relatively inexpensive gifts that you can have personalized on Etsy!

   6. I’d do a photo mug with pictures of him cycling as a kid and as an adult – ideally one from each decade if you can find them. If his family has pictures – they can just use their cell phones to take a picture of the hard copy and text it to you.

      My DH would never order himself a photo gift but any photo mug I’ve ever gotten him quickly goes into heavy rotation and he enjoys talking to the kids about the pictures on it.

      1. ooh that’s a super cute idea!

   7. Maybe look on ‘not on the high street’ under cycling? Lots of different prices options.

   8. If he’s Scottish what about whiskey from the year he was born?

   9. How about one of those “…of a Lifetime” type books? There’s an epic hikes of the world book, an epic bike rides of the world book (and rides of Europe specifically!), 100 Hikes of a Lifetime, and a couple of books called Lost Lane about bike rides in the UK.

      Other idea is this book which fits zero of what you said his interests are but I think is so cool I’m recommending it anyway: Atlas of Remote Islands: Fifty Islands I Have Never Set Foot On and Never Will.

      1. Thank you for recommending the Atlas of Remote Islands – that book sounds perfect for me!

   10. If he is a cocktail drinker, check out these bicycle themed rocks glasses. I just got a set for my cyclist hubby and he loves them. Bonus: Top-rack dishwasher safe! https://www.vitalindustries.com/products/bicycle-rocks-glasses

       1. These look cool, too: https://www.homedepot.com/p/Cathy-s-Concepts-Bicycle-10-5-oz-Cocktail-Glasses-BIC-1115-4/300792147

4. Elizabeth, I love schmatas like this boyfreind cardigan b/c they are very large, loose fitting and warm in the winter. I could never understand the meaning of “boyfreind clotheing” b/c my ex boyfreind was very “small and scrawny” (in every sense of such terms). But the concept of having something warm, large and bulky is something most of us should be abel to appreciate, particularly if we have a boyfreind that is there to keep us warm in the winter, much like warm fleece! So thank you for pointing this one out to us. I will show Myrna, who is now between boyfreinds, so she needs something warm as winter arrives.

5. Posted late yesterday so repost — A survey — did anyone permanently (or semi permanently) change their living situation because of covid? So I mean like you left a city for a suburb or left an apartment for a buying/renting a house? Do you intend to stay where you ended up — i.e. did you move out to the suburbs to a rental house thinking this is only for the WFH period and you’ll eventually return to your city apartment or do you think you’ll stay long term where you went? I’m more looking at input on those permanent/semi permanent moves rather than we rented a summer home in the mountains for 3 months.

   I am very much wanting to leave my high rise apartment for a further from the city garden apartment situation, but IDK I’m lazy too so the thought of packing and moving mid pandemic seems like a lot (single so I’d do this alone though hire movers at the end to take my packed boxes + furniture). I find myself thinking it’s one of those things where if I don’t do it, I’ll be sitting here in May being like — why didn’t I? And if I do do it, then bam we’ll be vaccinated in April and life will feel normalish and I’ll regret moving an hour from my city, long commute to work, and being totally car reliant (I do already have a car though).

   1. Before the pandemic, we had been planning to move from California to Salt Lake City, but I don’t know if it’s going to happen now. I’m really disturbed at the pandemic response in Utah and I’m not sure that we could have the quality of life that I thought anymore. Otherwise, taking it a day at a time.

      1. Oh also, not going back to work in the office ever.

   2. We are moving from a 2 bed flat with a small garden about 20 minutes from the city centre to a 3 bed house with a big garden, about 45-60 minutes away (depending on mode of transport). We had been considering this for awhile, although were debating a flat the same size but closer to the centre or the move to the burbs, a move motivated by a desire for an improved neighbourhood and school situation.The pandemic prompted us to make the move as we realised how much we would miss a garden if we moved further in. My job has always been WFH friendly but my husband’s was not, and I suspect 1-2 days a week of WFH will be a lasting legacy of the pandemic.

   3. I’m considering a move from Arlington Va further out — say Reston or Vienna where I would get out of the giant apartment tower and rent a townhouse/walk up type of apartment that opens outside etc. Haven’t done it yet as I wasn’t going to break my lease to do it but if we don’t see any appreciable change by say February (and I’m not expecting a huge change), then I think I’ll do it. I know people here mocked NYers who were saying it early on but yeah the elevators bother me to the point where I don’t leave my apartment for a week at a time or leave at 5 am; it’s one of those huge sought after amenity building filled with grad student/young professional types and I really just don’t want to be near that crowd anymore.

      1. Hi – sending hugs. We’re in an apartment and the elevator freaked me out early on but we know so much more now — google viral load. I think it would be VERY hard to get COVID masked in an elevator alone (our building has strict masking requirements for any common spaces). If elevators were a vector I think contact tracing would have IDed that by now and they haven’t.

         1. I agree that I don’t think elevators are a huge risk. That said, I also live in a high rise and that extra level of effort you need to get out is a thing. I’m also kind of hoping to move to a situation where it’s easier to get outside, too.

            My building is strict about masks in common spaces and the residents are all pretty much onboard. Elevators are also limited to only 2 people at a time, unless you are in the and household. Haven’t seen anyone try to get around this – if the elevator stops on a floor and there are already 2 people in it, no one tries to get in.

            Since this has started, I’ve ridden the elevator with a non household person exactly 5 times.

         2. Plus while elevators obviously don’t have air circulation while running, in many/most buildings if no one is pushing the elevator button it goes and sits on a ground floor level with its doors open until the button is pressed again — that may be 2 min or 10 min — but it’s not like elevator doors are NEVER open and there is no air moving at all. And I remind myself that people all over the world live in apartment towers with elevators — everywhere from London to all the French cities to Russia to Dubai, Saudi, NYC, midtown Atlanta etc. While it’s an “unusual” way to live in the US where it’s all about single family homes, it’s actually a normal way of life in the rest of the world even during a pandemic.

            1. I’ve never seen an elevator that sits with its doors open; they’re usually closed when not in use (in the US).

      2. Wait, are you blaming young people for wanting to use elevators?

         1. You are being purposely obtuse. She is, of course, implying that these people are out at restaurants and bars and parties and therefore more likely to spread the virus in that elevator.

   4. I didn’t move because of covid, just during covid, but I purchased a very urban house, basically as central as possible in my city. It’s been really great to literally never have to drive, but also have a backyard. The quality of life improvement is great. However this has over doubled my monthly housing costs as opposed to my apartment. This will be my forever home and while the mortgage hurts now it won’t once DH and I move up in our careers.

      1. We did a version of this too. Stayed very central and urban, but got a place with outdoor space which has been amazing to have even as it gets cold. For us, it actually saved us money to buy and pay a mortgage + HOA + taxes versus what we were paying for rent.

   5. I have read that it’s not necessarily wise to make permanent changes due to the pandemic if you would never have considered that before – because the pandemic will not last more than a few years. OTOH, I am doing a big job outdoors/landscaping/pool that I wouldn’t have done before, but that’s not on par with moving and I will still enjoy it after. However, if you think you want to live in a garden apartment permanently, no reason to delay.

      1. I’ve heard that too but I always assumed that meant permanent changes like don’t buy a place. If you really don’t want to be in a garden apartment or townhouse 1.5 hrs from work forever, don’t buy one; yet with renting — sure it’s a hassle but OP could go rent one and then when it’s time to start commuting again and she feels safer, return to wherever she lives now. I live in NYC where historically you didn’t want to do that because once you give up your convenient apartment at your price point, you are never getting back in there again because you’ll get priced out; yet even in NYC right now it’s totally doable to say move out of midtown for the next 6 months and go rent in NJ or another borough for more space and then when work calls you back, there will be midtown apartments available because so many people’s work isn’t calling them back or they have decided they won’t live in midtown regardless or whatever.

   6. We looked at buying a place further out, in the area where we might retire. But everyone else was doing the same thing and the prices shot up. You might want to stay where you are and negotiate good lease terms when you renew.

   7. Gene Simmons left LA for Washington State. Taxes were too d*mn high.

      I don’t think that Gene is an outlier. If CA is looking at rolling back Prop 15 (which IMO is a gift from the have-nots to the haves (and I know that it is on commercial property and not residential property, but that is just for now and IDK why young people starting out should be paying higher property taxes than wealthy older people (I know that the “wealth” may be illiquid paid-off real estate, but wealth is wealth, except when you have none)), I think that this will happen sooner vs later. Ditto NYC where the property tax rates are heavily in favor of SF houses (I used to work with a woman who lamented the taxes on her townhouse in the city; lady, try a 2-hour one-way bus commute if you don’t like the city, even though the rate on her townhouse was lower than the rates on people’s apartments)).

      1. This is so muddled. The taxes in California and New York went up due to the deductions cap adopted by the Trump administration, in the federal tax code, expressly to punish blue staters. Trump then moved to Florida. The two local initiatives are one to step up the basis so businesses, not people, pay more property tax. That will put more money in the system to support social services. The residential initiative will make it easier for seniors and those getting hammered by the fires to move to another area. It doesn’t take any money out of the system, they will still be paying the same amount, and will free up additional property because otherwise people are stuck aging out in their existing homes. This initiative also raises taxes on properties that are inherited.

         1. You make an excellent points about what the trump administration actually did and how the proposed California reg change would work. I have no idea what the poster was saying about nyc but…you’re forgetting…gene simmons!

            Gene’s leaving? Not Gene. Anything but Gene. Is nothing sacred? Noble, deserving Gene is paying more in taxes than he wants to? Made to pay money just because he’s rich? This world has lost its way. We can’t tax Gene like this. It’s total tyranny! I’m a Libratarian now.

            1. I’m not an expert in tax law, but maybe he could live on WA but his tongue could live in CA tax free at least?

         2. Thank you for this excellent analysis, Anonymous at 10:47. Anonymous at 9:49, your ignorance is showing most notably in calling Prop 13 “Prop 15.”

      2. I haven’t had enough caffeine to follow anything in your second paragraph, but I bet in the near term future a lot of Californian climate refugees will move north regardless of the tax situation.

   8. I moved to a larger apartment within my same building. I think having the extra space will be very helpful this winter. I love city living and 100% want to be here when things get more back to normal, so I never seriously considered moving away.

      FWIW, I think next summer will be a lot more “normal” regardless. Either we’ll have a vaccine, or folks will be almost completely over pandemic behavior.

      1. It’s not going to be normal if every hospital has an attached field hospital and healthcare workers are begging people to start caring and there are no healthy preschool teachers left. If we truly get to the point this summer where even currently conscientious people stop caring, we are completely screwed. I so wish this pandemic were a “personal choices, personal consequences“-only situation.

         1. We’re not even flattening the curve anymore in places like TN; people are being turned away from full hospitals, and yet people are “feeling done” with taking precautions.

      2. What do you mean about people being over pandemic behavior? Because if “normal” behavior resumes in the dense population … hospitals will be overwhelmed. Do we just not care if we can’t access medical care as long as we can go to the club?

         1. I’m fairly convinced that people going to bars/clubs are not the people who are truly thinking through the consequences of what happens if they get sick and there is no room for them (or others) at the hospital.

            1. But at some point someone in their family/friends will surely try to go to the hospital if things just keep hopping. Still won’t care?

            2. No, they will say that their elderly relatives died of pre-existing conditions.

      3. You do realize that the pandemic won’t go away even if people act like it doesn’t exist, right? It isn’t just going to say “Well, people are over this so Imma leave now, it’s been fun.” Rather, it’s going to absolutely surge like we have not seen so far and it will be devastating.

         Also, vaccine isn’t going to make it go away. 50% efficacy rate plus a lack of herd immunity? Lmfao no

         1. I think the poster does realize this, but it’s a reality. No one in my area is going to take precautions into next summer. If they do in your area, then that’s great. People in my area barely wear masks and are acting like it’s over. I don’t think that is going to change. Most people know multiple people who have had it at this point, and most have had very few symptoms. It is hard to get people to care when they aren’t personally effected and the mortality rate is low enough where the threat is far enough removed from the average person for he or she to care.

            Not saying it’s right, just my experience of how people are thinking in general.

            1. +1 that’s how I ready the post. Of course this isn’t going away but people are already acting like it’s over. I don’t see how that behavior is going to change and likely more and more people will give up on precautions.

   9. We had been trying to buy a house in the city and did consider moving way out into the far suburbs/country. But then we concluded that while that sounds amazing for now, we still want to raise our kids in the city, the commute would be terrible if we ever go back to the office, and the country isn’t our long term plan. So we dropped it, although I found the most dreamy lakeside house today…

   10. We moved to a bigger house in a much more walkable neighborhood. I have been wanting to move to this neighborhood for a few years, so it wasn’t entirely COVID based, but it gave us the final nudge. Husband has been working from home for years but I’m working from home most days now too and kiddo is in online school, so it’s really nice being able to not all be on top of each other all the time. Plus once everything is normal, kiddo will be able to walk to school, we can walk to a park and a playground and some restaurants. It’s been great. Plus the new house gives me lots of fun DIY projects to work on over the fall and winter.

   11. We haven’t moved and probably won’t any time soon, but this did make us want to move up the timeline for buying a house. We likely won’t actually buy a place until after the pandemic, but whenever we buy, we’ll *really* appreciate things like a yard, a basement, our own laundry we don’t need quarters for, etc.

   12. Yes. Moving to house away from townhouse in very dense suburb. Townhouse in suburb was actually much noisier than previous townhouse in major metropolitan city–apparently my neighbors think they can make as much noise as they want (groups of 20+ feral kids screaming in the alley ways and in front of homes almost 24/7, yappy dogs that bark when I water my plants on my own porch). Guess where I am moving away from people do not know how to live close in to one another in a respectful manner. Oh, and I forget that the HOA has lawn care people out at least 3 days a week for 4-6 hours with the noisiest equipment they can find (people can hear them in my Zoom calls and I’m on the second floor, away from windows, which are all closed). Being trapped here has been a pandemic nightmare.

   13. We didn’t/haven’t but this has really made us think about where we ultimately want to live, and we’re now on a 5 year plan to leave the city.

   14. We bought a house in a different neighborhood of the same city that we were renting an apartment in at the beginning of the pandemic. This decision almost certainly happened sooner because of the pandemic, but was something we were interested in regardless. We got married a year ago, were thinking to keep saving until late 2020 early 2021 to be able to try to buy a home in our HCOL market. But when COVID hit and we needed activities during lockdown, we just met with a realtor to find out about the process and how we would go about it. We purchased when it was still full-on lockdown times, and no one was really buying/moving yet, so we mostly felt crazy (and still thought the housing market might tank further with the economy). Now we feel like we got in at the right time before things really heated up. I think that the realities of lockdown pushed us to buy a more expensive house with outdoor space that was a bigger financial stretch in terms of mortgage payments than a two bedroom apartment that we were previously thinking about. But we didn’t choose to go somewhere different. Honestly, if we hadn’t jumped into things so quickly, we might have had a harder time making the decision because we would have realized the potential to try living somewhere else during this period of time. Right after we put in our offer, our first friends told us they were leaving the city for the summer and going to Maine, and it was a bit of feeling of what might have been, that we could have had the freedom to just go off and do whatever during this WFH remote freedom, and instead had just shackled ourselves to this place. But so far, the positives have far outweighed the negatives, even though we are paying a lot more for housing.

   15. In SEUS, co-worker just left a 15 mins from downtown office to a huge multi-acre farm property around 40 minutes from downtown office and I am super jealous. My partner and I could not handle upkeep, but sound super dreamy.

6. Over the last few months, several people have posted about “hitting a wall” and not being productive at work. Did anything work to get you back on track and working productively? I’m hitting that wall right now and getting myself to do anything feels like an enormous effort. Tips?

   1. Meditating. Getting a few good nights of sleep in a row. Having a good audiobook to escape into while I work.

   2. Just giving myself grace, try to balance treats with a reasonable amount of veggies, exercise and trust that it will go away with time.

   3. Following. I am not doing amazing right now.

   4. I’m playing classical music, drinking my old work coffee flavor, trying to keep to my old work habits like lunch at 12pm and snack at 4pm (I’m turning into a night owl and there’s no one to stop me). Also trying to be a bit flexible with myself – I can have slow and unfocused mornings if I add an hour or so later in the evening when I’m sharper.

   5. Mostly panic about impending deadlines is what is keeping me going. Kind of. I’m still wasting a lot of time that I don’t actually have. Pomodoro has helped some.

      1. +1
         Pomodoro helps, panic “helps”… but I haven’t really found any solutions.

      2. +1

   6. Grace and sleep.

      Going to bed early, even if I don’t get more hours in, does wonders for my ability to reset.

      Moving around every day. So for example I was really rundown yesterday afternoon at the end of the workday and sent out a batsignal to my local girlfriends on the off chance anyone was available for a walk. I ended up on a brisk power walk with two friends for about 50 minutes and it was SO helpful for both mind and body.

      Putting work away at the end of the work day. I have to be honest with myself that I just don’t have the bandwidth to do work at night right now, and that that’s OK.

   7. I hit that wall last week. I kind of leaned into it. I spent several days doing only the bare minimum. I got a lot of sleep the last two nights and woke up today ready to get back to work.

   8. I’ve reduced my alcohol consumption along with focusing a bit more on healthy eating and regular exercise (outside if possible), and at the same time kinda stopped caring about hitting some # of working hours per day. I need to take care of myself and my family first and foremost. I get the work done that needs to get done, and don’t worry too much about hitting the numbers. (I will also say that I feel that I’ve got decent job security for various reasons, and at the same time wouldn’t be devastated if I *were* to lose my job…)

   9. Wellbutrin.

      1. +1
         It was really really bad for a few weeks, I got a prescription, and now I’m back to pandemic-normal (aka stressed and worried, but functioning in my basic daily tasks).

   10. Self care in the real sense, like making myself eat healthier, doing yoga, walking more, not drinking or using edibles.

   11. According to the partners at my firm – the answer is just to do more work and be more productive! At least, that’s what I’m taking from the staff meetings/emails we get about the end of year push. But also, here’s a chart on firm finances showing that profits are up because billable hours and collections are flat vs last year and we laid off a bunch of people. Does that help? Yeah, didn’t help me either.

   12. I’m following this too. I’ve never been less productive in my life and I have a lot of shame about it. I have run out of grace for myself. Would welcome tips on how to get going again.

   13. I use the pomodoro technique to stay focused and get started on tasks I have zero motivation to do. Once I get rolling, it’s easier to be productive and feel better about work.

       Then once I get a good chunk of work done, I do non-work things that benefit my life like working out or taking a nap or prepping dinner. I also do not attempt to work 8 full hours a day but focus more on accomplishing my to-do list.

       Also, talking or collaborating with co-workers I like helps me feel more motivated, so I try to do that even if it’s not being asked of me specifically.

   14. I am just emerging from this. I took two days off to recharge making for a 4 day weekend and did nothing but watch Christmas movies, fun Christmas shopping online for my family and friends, and eating cereal for dinner.

7. Table linens: can we discuss good sources of placemats, runners, tablecloths that will wash well (or easy care wipe clean) and then not wrinkle if washed?

   I have a long and fairly narrow table (84″x43″) and we don’t want the kids to ruin it, so we always have an oilcloth or vinyl tablecloth on it first. Looking for placemats and runners that I can put on top that will both (1) look nice and (2) not be a total PITA to clean when everyone inevitably spills on them! I have some nice (white) linens that I probably won’t use until the kids are all in HS or move out. TIA!

   1. We had glass cut for our table, which has been pretty easy to wipe up.

      1. This works well until someone does a spill that results in liquid between the glass and tabletop, which then ruins the tabletop. Ask me how I know!!

   2. Oilcloth runner/tablecloth with matching fabric placemats. I found a seller on etsy that I like the style of who does this- SoleildeProvence – gorgeous work and very quick.

   3. Chilewich placemats and runners are wipeable and generally look nice. For tablecloths that don’t wrinkle, stick to polyester.

      1. Not OP but thanks for this rec!

   4. Don’t count on HS. I’m still waiting! My daughter’s ok but my son has the body of a linebacker and the brain of an absent minded professor and it’s probably easier to just count the meals where he hasn’t spilled something. I think of him like a puppy who needs to grow into his giant paws.

8. Neither my husband nor I were very satisfied with the quality of our Haflinger slippers (which are now falling apart after 2-3 years). Any recommendations for the best durable. comfortable slipper brands for indoor use only (we won’t wear them to go to the mailbox, etc.)? I’d love made in the USA if possible, something that doesn’t run SUPER hot, and a rubber or similar sole that can be cleaned. We also both have wideish/wide feet. No specific budget – willing to pay for something that’s high-quality. TIA!

   1. 2 – 3 years seems good to me for slippers worn daily or near-daily. I love UGG house slippers and would otherwise recommend them, but you definitely won’t get that much time out of them…I’ve had my cute UGG house slippers for 6 months and the outsides look perfect but the inside soles already have worn, bare spots by my big toes. I still love them and may even buy future pairs on sale, but won’t pay full price.

      Curious to see what others recommend. Perhaps I am woefully underestimating the endurance of house slippers ha!

      1. You can get replacement inserts for your Uggs if that is something that interests you!

         1. I was wondering about that! The slippers in question are backless with an elastic strap that goes around my heel (like a slingback, in slipper form haha). I know the inserts would work for my traditional outdoor UGG boots, but do you know if they would stay still in a backless slipper?

   2. I’ve been wearing Oofos as my house shoes/slippers for several years. I find them very comfortable. They are marketed as “recovery shoes” for runners. I like the support and soft sole. They are washable. They also have flip flops and slides, but I buy the shoes.

   3. L.L. Bean wicked good slippers or moccasins.

      1. +1. I bought these for my parents to replace their 10+ year-old ones; it’s been four years and they haven’t needed replacing.

   4. I feel like getting 2-3 years of wear out of slippers, if you wear them every day from, say, October through March, is a pretty good run. I buy cheaper slippers and replace them every year because I feel like they get stinky or start wearing out by then. This is an area where I just don’t think spending a lot of money makes a ton of sense.

      1. +1, I buy slippers on major markdown after the holidays each year, so end up spending maybe $10-20 per year on $50 slippers. I got the Lands End $80 slippers one year and they wore out just as quickly, so learned my lesson.

   5. I have worn my slippers so much since March. If they were completely worn out, I would still feel they has worn pretty well. Two to three years, including pandemic wear (if you have been WFH) sounds amazing.

   6. Thanks all, I meant the Haflinger slippers didn’t hold up well even beyond normal wear and tear. I didn’t expect miracles but I had heard that they would last longer than they did. The L.L. Bean slippers look promising, although I don’t think they are made in the USA anymore. Appreciate the recommendations

   7. Same– I have Birkenstock Arizonas as my summer indoor shoes and Haflinger as my winter indoor shoes (I have been WFH for ~3 years.) The Haflinger cork bases started crumbling sooner than I would’ve expected, TBH, and I don’t wear then NEARLY as often the the Birks.

      I may just buy a pair of Birkenstock clogs to replace the Haflingers…

   8. Sorel! My husband has the Dude Mocs, and I have a fuzzy ankle boot. It is technically a boot, but I only wear them as slippers in the house.

   9. I can’t imagine my Birkenstock clogs wearing out before I do. Three years in and the only signs of wear are where I spilled something on them and to be honest, I haven’t tried all that hard to clean it up.

   10. DAWGSUSA. Cheap, amazingly comfortable, can be cleaned. I have wide feet.

9. Gift question. Where can I find nice cashmere PJs/loungewear for men? Looking for pants and a hoodie. I’ve never bought men’s clothes before so I’m totally lost on what stores or brands are any good. Thanks!

   1. I’ve bought a couple cashmere items from Quince (formerly Last Brand) and they are amazing for the price!

   2. You sure that is something the guy wants? I’ve only seen sets for women.

      1. Yeah, I mean what guy would want to wear something soft and cozy.

   3. I’ve been happy with Naadam’s women’s clothing, and I’m sure their men’s clothing is good too.

10. Can we talk about “liberal guilt” or whatever folks want to call it? I grew up working class and now have a good lifestyle. Yes, I worked hard and pulled myself up by my bootstraps or whatever, and yes I’m thankful for all that I have. But I can’t help but feel, I don’t know, it’s all a sham? I don’t work harder than, say, the janitor who cleans my office building. What are folks’ thoughts on this? I give to charity, tip well (former service industry worker here), etc. I don’t want to borrow trouble, just wanted to hear people’s thoughts.

    1. Eh, I think it’s both working hard and luck. I’m a crunchy granola animal rescuing liberal but really grinds my gears when people decry the system so much they try to absolve people of any personal responsibility. DH and I both bootstrapped our way up from pretty bad, cockroach, food instability type poverty to a nice comfortable 6 figure income. We both try to give back often by helping people get into our respective fields and honestly we’ve only had one person put in the work to actual improve their own lives, and that person was offered a great job recently and I’m so happy for them!

       1. Yeah, I would agree with this. I think there’s a middle ground between “they don’t want to succeed” (ugh) and completely absolving people of personal responsibility. I think there’s also a need to acknowledge that certain systemic factors (for profit education, student loans) limit mobility more for the current generation than for previous ones. However, when people start advocating things like forgiving all student loans, and completely absolving people of any responsibility I get angry.

          1. +1 I think success is a combination of luck, innate talent and hard work. I’ve seen people with lots and lots of opportunities (luck), often times who were also blessed with intelligence waste them. I’ve also seen people without many opportunities/luck make the most of the ones they do find. Success is not entirely up to the person but it is also not entirely unrelated to the person.

    2. The wokest people I know send their kids to private schools and would not even entertain the good neighorhood public schools they could use for free. I think it’s just for show.

       1. Wouldn’t that make them not the wokest people you know? Or are you using woke specifically to mean performative? There are loads of hypocrites in the world, but that doesn’t mean the values they pretend to have don’t exist for real in other people.

       2. I think a lot of people who are “woke” have values that don’t align very well with the values of public education (which are really not that woke in the US; our schools have been pretty reluctantly forced to be inclusive over time, and still aren’t great at it). Either they tried to make change happen from within and gave up, or learned from the experiences of others who gave up before them. These may be battles over things like accommodations, over things like harassment, or over curriculum issues. I’m not convinced that “sending kids to an academically good school that’s still really problematic” is accomplishing all that much. And if the private school is giving the kids a big advantage, maybe the public school isn’t as good as it thinks it is.

    3. I resent when people dismiss my acknowledgment that systematic racism exists and that the country is not a perfect meritocracy as “liberal guilt.” I’m living in the real world here and I don’t feel guilt, but I do feel compelled to support politicians and movements aiming to make the country better on these fronts.

       It seems to me that the “f*** your feelings” crowd just can’t accept the idea that their success was often bolstered by things other than their own efforts and talent. I find this especially true of people like my mother’s siblings who rose from poverty to middle/upper middle class, just like the majority of the white baby boomers they grew up with, and will never stop congratulating themselves for it while cheering on trump and people like Kushner insisting that black folks don’t “want to succeed.”

       1. Ugh Kushner. I earned my way to a top school and his father bought his way in. So clearly the world is a sham! The cognitive dissonance on that one + his entire ilk.

    4. I mean, it is a sham, in the way that you state. Extremely hard, dangerous work is often the lowest-paid and least secure. Getting out of such circumstances usually itself requires money and connections. Very few affluent people have fully, personally earned what they have. There’s nothing fair or natural about it.

       I think a practice of humility and gratitude, being as generous as you can afford, and advocating for worker’s rights and a social safety net are the most any individual can do.

       1. This is very well said. I would just add, to piggyback on what someone said above, look for real-life, in-person opportunities to help individuals, as mentor or whatever.

          1. This x infinity! What you’re sensing is that your good fortune has been bolstered by privileges afforded to you and not others because of attributes you can’t control. Your gut knows it’s unfair. That doesn’t mean you lower yourself, but that you boost others. Be a mentor at work, advocate for diverse teams and especially for diverse leadership. Advocate for more money and benefits for the janitor because without him, you’re all in trouble.

             None of what I’m saying negates your efforts. You worked hard for what you have and deserve to have it. You just recognize that others deserve it, too.

       2. Agreed. I was born into an upper middle class family, and while I worked hard in school and all that, I didn’t do anything to earn the wealth that my parents had/have or the opportunities that the color of my skin or my socioeconomic status granted me. I was already many steps ahead of the majority of people on day 1. It’s not at all fair or equal, so I try to stay humble, remember all of this, and help others who are not benefitting from being born into the same privelege I was.

       3. If it’s needed work, someone has to do it. I’m really uncomfortable whenever I come across the idea that the cream rises to top or that “equal opportunity” will make things fair by making sure that the available slots for enjoying security and a decent quality of life are more fairly distributed (though obviously this is better than nothing). So I really agree about humility and advocating for change.

    5. I worked in the service and manufacturing industries for many, many years. Now that I don’t, I don’t forget where I came from. To me, that means doing what I can to make life a bit easier for others who still do the work. I remember what it was like to never, ever be able to get everything done no matter how hard I hustled and nobody seemed to care. With that in mind, I return my cart/put my own go-backs up. Empty my trash at work. Only put my wheelie bin to the curb when it’s full. Get out of the way for the delivery person pushing a loaded float or hold the door. Load my shopping on the counter so I can check out quickly and simply. Let the truck driver merge in traffic. It’s pretty simple common-courtesy stuff that acknowledges that I value others’ time.
       Just never, ever forget where you came from.

    6. It’s because you are “from” the working class that you realize how much of it is luck. Having witnessed how hard other work without reaping greater rewards underpins your guilt. Guilt isn’t entirely bad if it reminds you of how you want to treat others. Yes, I live in this space.

       1. +1 well said!

    7. I feel the same way. I grew up in a blue-collar, solidly middle-class family. I was fortunate to have loving, intelligent parents who encouraged me to dream big. DH and I now have a combined income that I couldn’t have dreamed of as an 18-year-old. Not that we’re rich and have zero money concerns, but we are comfortable and don’t sweat the purchases needed for every day life. And yeah, I do feel like it’s a sham in some ways. I use my brain and talents every day, and I guess you can argue that I’ve”earned my keep,” but I also have done hard manual labor in my lifetime (farm work). I don’t for a second believe that my white-collar professional job makes me a harder worker or better than the people I grew up with. If anything, I feel pretty soft in some respects … like all my work anxiety is such a privileged problem to have. I also have a knee-jerk negative reaction to some of the BS messages about work that professionals get every day.

       I am rambling here, but yes, I know what you mean. Sure, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but I also think my relative comfort could be taken from me in a second if my abilities were no longer needed. At the end of the day, I’m still a simple farm kid from the Midwest.

       1. +1 to this – even the part about being a farm kid from the Midwest. I work hard to make sure I don’t forget those values and that I am instilling them in my kids.

    8. I don’t think what you’re describing is liberal guilt. It’s class guilt – which is perfectly natural if you were raised in a home with less money. All of life’s circumstances is a combination of hard work, luck (or curse) of the draw, privilege/connections, and personal choices. You lucked out in one or more of these but also worked hard. It’s not your fault that society rewards certain life circumstances with more money than others. So don’t feel guilty, feel grateful and make it a point to reach down the ladder and reach up in ways that you can – helping family financially, mentoring, volunteering, donating effectively all helps a little.

       1. +1 – and teaching your kids about privilege, encouraging them to work service jobs when they are older (something I firmly believe everyone should be made to do – manual labor or customer service jobs), talking with them about how/why you donate time and money, and trying to look back and raise others up with you.

          1. +1 on the jobs. I was raised well-off but started working as early as legally allowed, age 15 I think, doing service work and childcare. I don’t recall my parents making me do it, but it was where my spending money came from, so indirectly they certainly encouraged it. All my friends got jobs too. The book Excellent Sheep makes a great case for why everyone should learn first-hand that “hard work” does not mean just studying for your finals at Harvard. The author points out that volunteering, especially for something glamorous or foreign, is not at all humbling in the way that waiting tables for pay is.

             1. I agree with all of this. All your volunteer work proves is that you had the means and support to do that. Same goes with unpaid internships. I want to read that book — thanks, Monday!

             2. +1 I didn’t grow up upper class but my husband did. He always worked as soon as he was old enough. I’ve noticed a big difference in his friends who worked these types of jobs versus those who just participated in activities that looked good on a college application or resume. I fully agree everyone should work some sort of customer service type job at some point

    9. I think it’s ok to be proud of your accomplishments and also understand the leg up that you have. I wouldn’t be successful but for the fact that I was born into an upper middle class family with healthy inner dynamics. I understand that. Your success is not a sham, but you have a healthy awareness of the advantages that you had.

       We really don’t talk enough about childhood trauma and what a profound impact it has on people’s ability to be successful in their adulthood.

       I live in a neighborhood with a lot of family money, and they all think they earned everything they have as they drive to the family business for a 4 hour workday. Lol.

       1. “We really don’t talk enough about childhood trauma and what a profound impact it has on people’s ability to be successful in their adulthood.”

          This is all too true. (I’m the commenter below at 10:52 am.)

       2. +100, this is where I fall too. Just about everything good about my life I can trace back to something my parents did, or something they were also lucky to have or be. It used to make me so mad, like I couldn’t take credit for even my tiniest successes. But I’ve come to feel that as long as the possibility existed for you to squander your advantages and/or act completely entitled to them, you get some credit for not doing that. Some people might call that the bare minimum, but I think it’s enough.

    10. My faith is a lot of the reason I feel obligations and not guilt.

        Guilt is for sins. I do not feel guilty for what my family could provide me (suburban childhood) any more than I feel envy or anger towards others who did not get what I got (stable family, family who loves them, lack of physical and emotional abuse). I think the abuse will have to be answered before God and I frankly do not envy them that conversation.

        I’m going to have to answer before God as to what I’ve done with my gifts. I’m going to have to answer to how I treat people who aren’t as fortunate as I am, or even those who are more fortunate (envy isn’t okay, because they aren’t my gifts to bestow). I’m going to have to answer to Him as to how I’ve spent my money, how I earn it, and how I have used my time on this Earth.

        Whether or not life is “fair” (it’s not), it’s pretty clear what I can and cannot do to “un-unfair” it.

        1. This atheist agrees totally. There is an obligation that comes from privilege, and I try to use my influence such that I am satisfied with the actions of my past self.

    11. so i come at this from a slightly different lens in that i grew up middle class/upper middle class and still am. yes, i worked hard at school, attended a good college and grad school, which i like to think i was accepted to because of my own hard work….but i also now realize how privileged i was to be able to focus on school and have the resources i needed to do this. i definitely did not necessarily realize as a teenager or college student just how privileged i was. my parents grew up with very little. my father was the child of Holocaust survivors who came to this country literally with the clothes on their back and since he grew up lacking certain opportunities/physical things, he wanted to provide them to my siblings and myself. my parents talked a lot about giving back to the community and how we had things that they didn’t, but they definitely now admit that they could’ve done a better job of talking about it. i often feel very very very guilty when i think about how much easier i had it than so many others, but when i go to far down that line of thinking i remind myself that me feeling guilty does not really accomplish anything other than make me feel badly, so instead i try to focus on being a good member of my community, giving back, treating people respectfully and being grateful.

    12. My mother came here as a religious refuge in the 90s. She knew almost no one in the US and had a young daughter (me) and a mother (my grandma, early 70s at the time) to support. She didn’t know any English and we came with three bags of clothes and about $1200. She had a doctorate and was a researcher in our former country. We didn’t qualify for any government aid but my grandmother received some sort of income (not social security). My mom cleaned house/offices in the early mornings with me, worked at a nursing home during the day then took college classes at night. We lived in a apartment studio in the best neighborhood she could afford because she wanted me to go to a good school. I was grounded for anything less than an A, while working part time as a cashier from age 12 to high school graduation (no extra curricular activities). She earned two masters degrees over 10 plus years, having to start her education over completely with an associate degree. I helped write her essays because I learned English quicker. My mother (and many of her immigrant friends with similar stories) will never vote for a democrat and fully agrees with Kushner’s statement. She doesn’t understand how people born in this country, knowing this language and with access to this education system from day one, could not at least be lower middle class. She thinks it comes down to working hard and valuing education. Seeing how hard she worked, with absolutely no connections in this country, I find it hard to disagree with her…

        1. The immigrant experience is very interesting. Statistically they’re much more likely to advance, particularly the 2nd generation moving up a class from the first. But non-immigrants don’t do this, it’s only a tiny fraction under 1%. So what is it about this immigrant experience that native people can’t emulate? Is it all the sacrifices that the immigrant parents make, the resources they have, the drive for a better life? My parents never did anything for me, and in fact did not want me to do better than them. I left as a teen and made something of myself. But what if my parents were willing to work many jobs and encourage my education? You too have a privilege in that.

           And your mom was privileged to have a good education in her own country before coming here, and the cost of living in relation to minimum wage in the US was much better on the 90s than it is now, your grandmother did have an income, your mom was able to come to the US and bring both you & grandma (so why doesn’t everyone from her country just do that to improve their circumstances if that’s not a special privilege then?).

        2. I did my mom’s homework too, and she also thinks she’s the cat’s meow. But not everyone has someone to do their homework for them.

           1. I’d also be interested in unpacking the “almost” in “she knew almost no one in the US.”

        3. Your mom doesn’t understand systemic racism.

        4. Ah your mom reminds me of my parents. One was orphaned at 12 and the other moved out at 16 (in the good old times when you could easily doctor a drivers license with basically a sharpie to change a 5 to a 3 and make you appear 2 years older so you could sign a lease or buy beer) so not saying they didn’t have more then their fair share of struggles but they also think that the disadvantages of their childhoods outweigh all other advantages that they had in life. They are both innately intelligent, charismatic and white. Yes, they’ve worked very hard to earn what they have today but they also were incredibly lucky. As terrible as both of their home situations were growing up, in addition to being blessed with natural gifts, they also both had extended family/relatives who served as a safety net and made a few introductions. Being able to look and sound the part allowed them to get their foot in the door at many jobs, especially in the early years. They would tell you that because their parents didn’t get them the interview, it doesn’t count, but the truth is, being white, well spoken and spending enough time with “rich people” to know how to interact with them was the only reason they got those early opportunities. And none of those things came from hard work, they were sheer luck. Privilege is something that is much more nuanced than it appears on the surface, it exists on a continuum and isn’t something you have or you don’t have. We all have a certain amount of privilege, even if we’ve had our fair share of difficulties and even if others have more privilege than we do.

           1. I respectfully disagree with this comparison. My mom was not well spoken and still isn’t. She learned English in her late 30s and continues to speak with an accent. I have one too even though I was relatively young (in biglaw now, I get questioned about my foreign name and accent all the time). She did not spend any time with rich people. The late 90s were hardly the baby boomer generation. I will agree that she connected with some extended family once we moved to the US. That’s what I meant by “almost no one.” She didn’t know them in her home country. They were a social support but not financial (they were older, not well off, also recent immigrants, no longer alive). She also connected to a community of immigrants.

              I agree that she doesn’t understand systemic racism. She’s from a persecuted religion in her home country and looks at things from the perspective of living with that discrimination daily due to her last name. I was explaining one rationale. I fully agree with privilege being a continuum and my mom had some privileges even if she won’t admit to them.

              1. Here are the privileges your mom has that I could identify just from your post (I’m sure there are plenty more that we have no way of knowing about).
                 1. She was highly educated in her home country. This gave her a huge leg up even if she didn’t speak English.
                 2. She was able to immigrate to the United States.
                 3. She had her mother/family with her as well as other relatives as a support system (support isn’t just financial)
                 4. She must have had some connections to be able to find paying work.
                 5. She knew how to determine which housing gave her child access to the best schools. She knew what the best schools were. She knew that good schools were important.

                 The comparison to my parents was not to say they are the same but rather to illustrate that both my parents and your mom seem to share an inability to recognize their privilege because they see things that others have that they don’t.

    13. I am from a similar background, and was the first in my family to go to professional school. I would not have succeeded without outreach from a small regional college that encouraged me to apply.

11. Has anyone bought a good wine bottle opener lately? I have an almost-automatic opener that I got from a vendor years ago, but it’s starting to break. The easier the better. Thanks!

    1. What kind do you want? My favourite is a Waiter’s Friend corkscrew I bought for less than £5 in the supermarket but I know some people prefer the Alessi style ones with the arms that raise.

       1. +1 to the waiters friend style. I think my current one was a giveaway at some event. I’ve never found a better design, and yes, I’ve owned them all (my dad’s company was in the winery industry)

    2. If you’re willing to spend the money, I love the lever-style wine openers (e.g. Rabbit and Screwpull brands).

       1. Yep, I love my rabbit. It was a gift. Other than that I like the kind with the bunny ears, as I call them.

       2. They also make off brand versions that are cheaper and just as easy to use. Don’t have a handy link though

12. Any recommendations for good stadium blankets? I want to spend time seated outdoors with friends.

    1. Faribault Woolens, made in the USA – beautiful stuff: https://www.faribaultmill.com/collections/throws

       1. +1 I just bought two new Faribault throws for outdoor sitting on the deck or by the firepit.

    2. I use this for football games when it starts getting cold https://www.amazon.com/OmniCore-Designs-PILLANKET-Lightweight-Alternative/dp/B07JJR88VJ/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=omnicore&qid=1603894419&sr=8-2

13. I’m going to get a job offer sometime this week, and I need help with navigating the negotiation. I currently work for a state legislature, and there is absolutely no negotiation possible in my current job – they give you a number, and you take it or leave it. I’m moving to a different branch of the state government, and the job posting had a salary range on it. Once I get an offer, how do I go about asking if I can negotiate? Specific wording would be helpful. My current job is my first out of college, so I don’t have any experience with this. 

    1. Ask a manger has good advice – I’d go browse her posts on negotiating.

    2. Also state government. You can negotiate somewhat, and should, because the rigidity of the salary structure likely means that your starting salary will lock you in and you will receive only set raises based on that salary moving forward. Because you are coming from another state government position, however, the hiring agency likely knows what you make to the penny (public information), so this may limit your ability to negotiate.

       1. +1

       2. Yeah, having my salary be public is not super helpful. My state recently made it illegal to ask what your previous salaries were, and I guess that’s good if you’re in the private sector, but that sure doesn’t help us gov’t people! Thanks for the advice :)

    3. So someone else can correct me because I’ve never worked in government, but in the corporate world you typically have to show that you should be higher up in the range with evidence. So maybe you have certain experience or certain skills that are relevant that would put you higher than the lowest rung. Be prepared to pull out a concrete why – often times people in HR don’t care one way or another, but they need solid evidence they can document to justify moving you up.

       1. Yeah, you’ll still need to do this in state government. Although it can also be as easy as “I was making more money at my previous state position”.

    4. Also in govt. I had no negotiation ability with salary but was able to negotiate to start with a bank of sick time and vacation time, as well as my schedule.

       1. Oh interesting. Are you in a union? I bet this would be really hard to do in my state government’s agencies because union contracts dictate so much of that.

    5. It doesn’t always have to be complicated or based on a long justification. I’ve had this simple statement work for me twice: “Based on my level of experience, I was expecting a higher salary.” Then wait for them to reply. This worked best over email for me. Good luck! It may be the easiest $$$ you’ll ever earn – one ask that pays off year after year.

14. Is cotton good for anything? It seems to be a fiber routinely trashed here — wool keeps you warm, synthetics/wool keeps you dry.

    FWIW, my skin hates touching wool and a lot of synthetic underlayers to me let the warmth evaporate. They feel plasticy and don’t let me warm up. I feel like I can only wear wool if I have something thick and cotton underneath. And yet maybe I’m layering the wrong way?

    Acrylic, which people make sweaters out of, has never seemed one bit warm to me (and I run cold, so I need to layer). I do have wool (vs cotton) sweaters, but even then I feel like maybe they aren’t thick enough to be very warm. And a lot of wool is terribly scratchy, so I’m buying merino and/or cashmere, which often isn’t very thick (it’s a posher, office look, which helps not a bit now).

    Cotton turtleneck (I feel like I can’t deal with a cold neck) + fleece is pretty good.

    1. You’re not alone. Almost all wool makes me itchy so I avoid it except in coats. And I avoid acrylic because it always pills. I’ve known some people who don’t like the feel of some synthetic fabrics, but I think it’s less of a fiber thing and more of a weave issue, so you can’t really tell until you feel something in person and try it out.

       Not to be the person in the cotton commercials, but at least half or two-thirds of my clothes are cotton or a cotton blend. They’re comfy, economical, durable, and accessible. What’s not to like?

    2. Cotton is fine as long as it stays dry. Problems happen if it gets wet/damp.

    3. I like cotton! It makes for the breathable underwear, particularly!

       1. * most breathable

    4. I also prefer cotton over wool for comfort reasons. Some blends are better than others, but wool always makes me itch, eventually. I wear it in the office because it’s a dressier fabrication, but I don’t wear it on my own time. ;)

       Synthetic under layers run the gamut in terms of comfort. I don’t favor synthetics for all-day wear, but it’s great for working out.

       I think I’m more sensitive than the average person to various fabric types. Even as a kid, I can remember fighting my mom on wearing dressy clothes, not because I disliked the style, but because I found them either cold, uncomfortable, or both.

    5. Wear what makes you comfortable. Unless you’re in a really extreme environment (summiting Everest, crossing Antarctica) there’s no reason to wear “technical” fabrics that make you uncomfortable. If a cotton base layer is what you want go for it.

       1. +1 it’s not safe or smart to wear cotton as a base layer on a backcountry hike, but if you’re just going to the office you can wear what’s comfortable instead of what is best in a survival situation.

    6. Cotton is perfect for summer! It’s just not the best option to stay warm/dry in winter. That’s a separate issue from you not liking it.

    7. Nearly all my sweaters and casual tops are cotton/cotton blend. Even a little bit of wool makes me itchy (except for socks, oddly). For outdoor activities I usually do synthetic layers, but I know there are merino/merino blend base layers out there. Probably a TMI but acrylic holds BO like nothing else.

    8. Cotton is great! But not for everything.

       Cons:
       Bad idea if you will get damp/sweat/wet in cold conditions outdoors. Hypothermia is bad. Cotton dries slowly, and is cold when wer.
       Knits can get pilled or worn easily, will not wash as well as more springy fabrics.

       Pro
       Great for summer wear, bedding, nightclothes (indoor!), underwear when not cold. Think lovely cotton flannel for winter, and seersucker for sunmer
       Woven cotton makes great shirts, coats and trousers.
       Jersey cotton makes great tshirts etc
       Cotton velvet makes great eveningwear.

       Seriously, cotton is great, just not for colder activities. For your use, it sounds as if silk would be better for you for your thermals. Silk (or merino/silk) also has good winter properties.

    9. Nope, you’re fine – I’m the same! Cotton against my skin always feels best. And cotton + synthetic top layer is cozy. Also, I really like cotton/silk bends – hard to find but are really nice!

    10. I have loads of cotton sweaters because any wool and a lot of cashmere make me itchy and I can’t stand synthetics (both because they don’t hold up and for environment reasons). Cotton is only a bad insulator if it gets wet. For a sweater I’m wearing indoors, when I’m not heavily sweating, or with appropriate outerwear, this is never an issue. I love my fisherman’s sweater from LL Bean and it’s 100% cotton and very warm. It’s also easier to care for.

    11. I wear 100% cotton as much as possible. It feels good on the skin, easily releases BO in the wash on a normal laundry cycle, and wears well without crazy pilling. I don’t wear wool next to my skin, and I avoid buying acrylic or polyester at all when I can avoid it.

    12. I love cotton, and only wear wool if I have cotton underneath. Where are you all buying cotton sweaters? I found a few at lands end, but nothing appeals this year…

    13. You might try Smartwool. I usually find wool itchy, but Smartwool has worked for me.

15. In tales of angry male privilege, I’m starting to see an increase in the hostility from potential clients when I decline them. My female potential clients thank me for my time and the information. The men argue with me, say I don’t understand the law, that I’m afraid of a challenge, etc. It’s similar to the negging I hear about from friends that are on dating sites. They butter me up first – saw your website. Impressive accomplishments. Hoping you will take my case. I’d love to work with you. After I explain why they don’t have a cause of action or why I’m concerned the cost to bring the action would outweigh the damages they’d get, they want to argue, berate, etc. I’ve dealt with a few men like this in my past but I’ve had at least 4 in the last month. It is unreal.

    I’m always super nice, say that reasonable attorneys could differ, that they should get a second opinion, give them a number to a referral service, etc. and they just can’t take no for an answer.

    That with the other stories we are seeing as of late here (that have always existed but have increased) I’m getting really concerned about the emboldened angry man. I even received a political mailer (aimed at my registered independent but actually democrat husband). It had a picture of a woman protesting in a pink hat and said whose vote is going to matter, hers or yours? It said with democrats you get “pink hats, raised fists (the anti-facism symbol?), gun control and income taxes.” The unwritten subtext was the women and minorities are getting uppity again. Hey middle class white man, you better vote if you want to secure your position in the world and not lose out to women and minorities.

    Even if some of these men hated women before, they kept it to themselves. Now they have no problem making their intentions clear. One was even pissed that reception sent him to a female lawyer (I’m the only one in my firm that handles his kind of case) and when I declined, he called my boss who confirmed that I knew what I was doing and he had to look elsewhere, and no, he can’t just talk to another male attorney in the firm.

    I just can’t even.

    1. Ewwww. Where are you located? I completely believe it, and I’m sorry for this. And re: voting–yes, we are getting “uppity” again. I’m counting on that.

       1. A swing state. Not saying which one because the guy that contacted my boss was concerning enough that I don’t want to take any chances he finds out I’m complaining about him online.

    2. Ugh. Just ugh.

    3. That’s terrible. One silver lining: if your boss previously didn’t believe that sexism was real, or wasn’t willing to look at how it impacted work, this phone call should have set him straight. (I’m assuming the boss was male since the client apparently took Boss seriously.)

    4. I’m sorry, that’s really sh!tty. I’m not in law, but instead of offering up alternatives or explanations for why you can’t work with them, could you simply say that you aren’t able to take on that job, and leave it at that? I find that the less you explain, the less potential there is for argument.

    5. Ugh.

       FWIW, the best life advice I can ever give a nice woman is that “nice” is actually a bad thing. Be kind, thoughtful, and respectful, but do not waste a single second of your life being nice.

       If they think they have a cause of action when they do not and say that you are afraid of a challenge: “I have explained to you, based on my expertise in this area, why this will not succeed. If you truly believe that I am wrong and that you could get a better result, find an attorney who will bring the case for you. That will be better for both of us.” Call. That. Bluff.

       1. And the client that fights with you at the intake is more likely to sue you or file a grievance if you did take the case and inevitably lost, despite having forewarned the client that their case is crap at the outset.

          1. Ex-actly.

             Your managing partner should also know that the bills are not going to get paid. You’re not losing a client; you’re losing a chance to work for free or less than free.

    6. I could have written the work part of this, right down to my boss saying that no, he can’t just be transferred to a male attorney because I’m the only one who takes these cases.

       It’s so frustrating. I try hard to not let it get me down, but by virtue of the work I do, many of my clients are men and many are even more misogynistic than most men because of their past experiences. This makes it very difficult for a young woman. While I’ve gotten better at holding my own, sometimes the only thing that works is having a man (ideally a man that shares the client’s life experience and comes off as a Manly Man…) back me up.

       1. High five in soldarity!

    7. I’m sorry. And, commiseration. I’m in a small city of 100K in a “blue” New England state and could have written this. I don’t think it’s swing state, blue v red, etc. I really do think the patriarchy is boldly coming out in so many ways in the current environment. Keep being the bad@ss professional that you are!

16. My city has several major employers, many of which have white-collar workers exclusively working from home. One had major layoffs yesterday, all up and down the income spectrum, but mainly all of people making 6 figures. One friend, a widow, lost her job after 20+ years. Other friends are OK, but fear that there will be more rounds of cuts once 4th quarter #s are out. I feel like it will never not be 2008-2009.

    Good luck everyone. I’m not sure how you get sacked if you are WFH, but beware of unscheduled internal meetings.

    1. I don’t see how this post is helpful. You didn’t even post your industry. Are you just trying to ratchet up people’s anxiety even more, especially with the last paragraph?

       1. +1

          As a counterpoint, my sister had one of these mystery meetings recently and was worried about it (especially because it was on a Friday afternoon). Turns out another business unit was interested in transferring her over (a sort of lateral promotion) and her manager wanted to see if she was interested.

       2. +1; I wish this hadn’t been posted, and I can’t find a positive in doing so.

    2. I think that this board is populated by a lot of people enjoying the top part of a K-shaped recovery. But the pain on the bottom side is real and was bound to trickle up at some point.

    3. I don’t really know what to do with most of this post but just some useful info: I’ve worked remotely since 2010. I was once laid off/fired remotely. It was during our normally scheduled 1:1 which happened weekly.

       Logistically, my then-boss broke the news then 3-way called in HR to do the rest of the work. Fun part is that I was 5 months pregnant, not fired for cause (new boss wanted to bring Old Friend in to do my job, had to eliminate my role to make that happen), and then-boss was a known a-hole. I called a lawyer and got 18 months of severance vs the 6 they offered and used most of the cash for an extended maternity leave + seed money to start my own business. Happy ending.

    4. This post is so unhelpful and toxic.

17. DH and I had a conversation that I think you all might appreciate. We were talking about baby names for our future children. As an example, we both like Audrey and Claire for a girl and Adam and Charles for a boy, with a slight preference for Claire and Charles. I said if we think we’ll use the A names eventually then we should use the A names for the first child and save the C names for the second child. DH asked why. I said it would be confusing to have the first child with a C name and the second child with an A name. He gave me a quizzical look. I guess my children’s names don’t have to be organized like an outline?

    1. I know that in litters, there is an A litter, a B litter, a C litter, etc. So Audrey and Adam would be from the A litter, etc., to help keep them straight. But that is for fancy puppies with papers. [Our dog is a mutt and we don’t know who the daddy even is.]

       I had thought about giving my kids the same initials, like there is nothing more important to do than to re-used monogrammed baby items. It would have been ABC and ABC2.0, which neither would have appreciated. Then is one the rough draft? One the lesser carbon copy? They have different names that I mess up routinely. YOU THERE, YES, YOU.

       1. My husband and his sister have the same initials (and the same middle name). It feels like a bit much.

    2. Alphabetizing my future kids’ names would never occur to me!

       1. I have a friend whose first two kids are A, B – not by design, just the names they liked. They went with an M name for the third baby but kid A (in early elementary” was pushing HARD for a C name so they would be “in order.”

          1. One of DH’s childhood neighbors has kids whose names start with A through G, in order, with 2 years between kids. Dad is a school superintendent, so the teachers all knew about the alphabetical naming scheme long before they started seeing the kids in their classrooms.

             1. Yeah, I would judge this super hard. Name your kids what you want, sheesh!

    3. I’m guilty! We had two names we loved that started with two letters next to each other in the alphabet. We chose to use the first one alphabetically first–for lots of reasons, including that the other name could work for either sex, but also because to me it sounded better to have “C and D” (for example) rather than “D and C!”

       1. Same here, but for twins. We decided who ever came out first was C and second would be D.

    4. This is a fun topic! One of my best friends is the older sister in her family and she has a J name but her younger brother has a D name. Another friend and her younger sister both have D names.

       To follow your original thinking though, a family friend has an older daughter with an A name and a younger son with a B name, so I guess if they had a third child, the kid would have a C name.

       I think you’ll just have to see which name speaks to you two and the child when the child actually arrives.

    5. Is there a particular reason you are picking A & C names? It would never occur to me to alphabetize my kids names. We had a list of boy and girl names for our first (and currently only) kid. We found out we were having a boy, picked our top boy name and saved the list for future kids. If we have another boy we will go with #2 name on the list regardless of letter order.
       The middle name was intentionally chosen after someone who passed right before his birth, but we just went with whatever first name we liked most at the time.

    6. Ha, I love it! First of all, I have a daughter named Claire, so I’m always partial to that choice! But yes, my kids’ names are out of alphabetical order, and it does bug me sometimes. :)

       1. I have a Claire as well – when I was pregnant 30+ years ago, I always said I was picking a name that would befit a Supreme Court Justice – dignified and classic. Alphabetizing names never occurred to me!

          1. I have a claire as well! She was also the most defiant of my kids and it was great to be able to roar at her in one syllable as a child.

          2. Yes, I said the same thing! Dignified, classic, strong.

          3. My kid’s name would be a badass SC justice!

    7. I love all of those names and 2 of my 3 children have ones on your list :). Beware: I named my first our two favorite names (eg. Charles Adam) and then went on to have 3 more kids of the same sex. We quickly ran out of options and wished we’d saved them for future kids.

       Since we are name twins, figured I’d throw out our other top picks: Elizabeth, Daniel, Matthew, Richard, Katherine

    8. Hahah too funny! It would never have occurred to me to organize their names alphabetically :)

       My fiance and I happen to agree on a favorite boy name and a favorite girl name that start with the same letter. I love the alliteration, but we’ll have to start from scratch if we have 2 children of the same gender. Neither name is remotely gender neutral, sadly haha.

       Trying for kids is still a couple years away for us, but it sure is fun to talk about. We have a new baby in our family (close relative’s child) and I have SO much baby fever :) Even the sound of her little cries makes me “ooh” and “ahh.”

    9. What?! I’d give you a quizzical look too. I’d guarantee you no one is confused when children’s names aren’t alphabetical by birth order.

       1. Yes, I found the idea that someone would even consider that to be shocking! That’s a new one for me. :)

          1. +1 The thought of alphabetizing childrens’ names or parents doing it on purpose has never crossed my mind.

          2. +2. This seems extremely weird to me. To each their own though.

          3. I had to think for a minute, since I never even considered the alfabethcal order of my kids names. On the other hand I like they all start with a wovel.

       2. Naming conventions are often really strange! It always bothers me in historical texts when people give more than one of their children the same name (I realize probably they addressed the with some other name, but still!).

          The Romans often named children by birth order, but because it was desirable to have more children, they started just skipping ahead and name child #2 or #3 “Sextus” or “Octavian” as a status thing. Maybe that would be step #2 after alphabetical naming caught on… skipping from A to B to G to imply that G has more siblings than he really has?

          1. Oh I didn’t know that about Roman naming faking a big family as status symbol! That’s really interesting.

             I confess I find it really weird when people name their children after themselves, especially if it’s not a long standing family tradition. I picture a tough-guy dad with his son “Well, son your mom and I thought about it, and there was no one we’d rather honor than me, nothing better for you to aspire to than being just like me.”

             1. Thanks for making it through all my typos to understand what I was trying to say there! I agree about naming sons after dads, but I wonder if I’m missing a dynamic. I think “feeling respected as a man by your dad” has a lot of psychological weight for a lot of people that I don’t always fully appreciate or understand.

             2. I named my son after his dad (by my choice, not dad’s) because I think his dad is a wonderful person. My husband goes by the name (example, Daniel) and our son goes by DJ (for Daniel Junior). I love it and feel like it creates a special bond for them.

          2. So… as a foster parent, this actually happens more than you’d think.

             I know multiple people who have gotten either a male and female whose names are derivations of their parents names or have had siblings placed who have the same first name. Like, to the point where I’ve known people who had to confirm the paperwork was correct because they got documents saying that they had 2 kids, brothers, both named Michael.

       3. I knew three brothers in college whose initials were S, T and U, ordered by age. I always wondered whether the parents shoehorned the last one in, because he had a really old fashioned name (think Ulysses). It was the point of much ridicule.

    10. Are you for real!?

        1. Agree. My younger sister’s name begins with A. I assure you no one has ever noticed that our names aren’t in alphabetical order. This is strange.

    11. What?

        I have literally never heard of this.

    12. Also confused. I’m an L and my younger sibling is a J.

    13. Did you happen to read 10 Kids, No Pets growing up? The parents in that book named their children in alphabetical order.

        I’m one of five and all our first names start with different letters. Saved my mom some time – she could initial our stuff instead of writing out our whole names.

        1. I loved that book!

           My sister’s in laws named all their daughters A names and all their sons B names, with coordinating middle initials. It’s so confusing and they constantly call each other the wrong names.

           1. I’m one of four and my mother never gets any of our names correct to this day, despite the fact that none of our names start with the same letter or sound remotely similar.

        2. Oh my gosh, I loved 10 Kids, No Pets, although I have to say I wondered if maybe the mother wouldn’t have benefited from some therapy.

        3. To be fair, anon at 11:46, I was very frequently called by the wrong name. I’m just glad we didn’t have a dog at the time or I would have gone by that occasionally too :)

    14. This is some Taylor Townsend BS.

    15. I’m from an Asian country and it’s very common that kids are successively named to form an idiom, a phrase, or a line of poetry.

        1. Yes, on my dad’s side of the family there is a family poem for the male descendants so every generation has a generation character as part of their full name. (Girls on the other hand now commonly share a generation character with their full sisters but not with full brothers or female cousins. In the past, before 1911, girls weren’t even given actual individual names, just Sister 1, Sister 2, etc until they married out of the family. )

           1. A friend who is Chinese told me the same about her family. I kind of love this idea, of being connected through the generations. Of course, I would want it for the girls too.

              There’s a great K-Drama called My Lovely Samsoon and through reading about it I learned that the name Samsoon means 3rd daughter and that this was a common old fashioned naming tradition. Part of the plot involves her hating her name.

              1. With regards to historically naming girls in China, even up until the 1940s, possibly 1950s in rural remote areas, it wasn’t unknown for a first-born girl child to be named “Laidi” aka “wishing for a younger brother”.

                 I found the above comment about Roman naming conventions really interesting and it brought up a lot of memories of learning how many Chinese girls were never given real individual names until the 1910s, but the boys historically got all sorts of individual names. The boys had milk names, given names, school names, courtesy names, art names if you were an artist or poet or the like, posthumous names if you became famous and respected, etc. The ingrained cultural sexism since circa 500BCE is depressing AF. (Totally went off on a tangent wrt OP’s post oops)

        2. I love this idea.

    16. Perhaps OP and her husband are expecting hurricanes?

        1. That’s amazing and you win the internet today.

        2. LOL!

        3. Bah ha ha ha ha!

    17. so i know plenty of people who name all their kids with names that start with the same letter, but personally i hate it. i also don’t like when 2 kids and 1 parent match, or 1 kid and 1 parent — yes i am maybe a bit strange and overanalyze these things. but i have zero issue with what you proposed with your first child having a name that starts with a C and the second one with an A.

        1. I worked in an OB’s office in high school filing paperwork, and one family had 13 children whose names all started with E. They got quite creative around child number 8.

           1. Sounds like Duggar wannabes

        2. My father picked my name because it rhymes with his. Then he left my mom when I was 2 months old and hasn’t been involved in my life since. Thanks dad!

        3. Yes! My husband and I start with the same letter and we very purposefully avoided all names starting with that letter for our kids. But totally personal preference.

           OP – I had never considered it, but this is totally something I would notice at 3 AM 3 years later and be annoyed by.

        4. My thoughts turn right to the Duggars when I find out someone has done that with their kids’ names. My eldest has a first name towards the end of the alphabet, the second has a name in the middle. Never thought about trying to alphabetize.

    18. This is a human version of the “release pigs painted 1, 3, and 4” prank. If you’re intentionally following the alphabet, and have an A child followed by a C child, then wouldn’t people wonder where you put the B child?

    19. I’m going to partially hijack this thread and point out that you do not name “kids.” You name people who are babies, will be kids while you raise them, and will eventually be grown adults who will outlive you.

        When my husband and I were choosing names for our son, we chose ones that have meaning for us, one relative from each of our families. Those names are easy to spell, easy to pronounce, and hard to misspell. There are several good nicknames that come from both the first and middle name; some are particularly cute for a little boy, while the full name is distinguished. I googled the name to ensure that it was not accidentally the name of a 19th century serial killer or something. The initials and monogram are unremarkable (i.e. do not spell anything weird). When he was born, we looked at him and thought, “Does this name fit him, the actual baby in front of us?”

        Long after we are gone, he’s going to have that name. He’s not going to care if it’s in alphabetical order with any subsequent siblings.

    20. Yeah I think this is not a thing, other than it being a you thing. This would never occur to me.

    21. Not alphabetical, but re: name organization- our first child’s name starts with an L and ends with an A. Our second child’s name, quite unintentionally, starts with an A and ends with an L. I loved the symmetry of it and how you could write their name in a circle. Then we had a third child and it messed everything up. I’m still a little sad about that.

    22. That’s hilarious! If it helps, I’m a C and my younger sibling is an A and it’s never been an issue. (The wacky part is that my parents are B and D, and purposely named my youngest sibling E to keep the trend going.) Some people just like weird alphabetical family names and more power to them/us!

18. I wonder, and yet haven’t encountered much except the OK hairstylists with COVID who didn’t spread it to their masked patrons, whether mutual mask wearing is really the ticket out of this (meaning: letting things get back to normal while we wait for a vaccine). I am tending to think, cautiously, that it must be true.

    Like healthcare workers wear masks and I am not hearing now of them getting sick at work (where they may encounter sick people) and they have been working all the while (generally, maybe a bit spotty in the spring). Ditto grocery store workers. Ditto day care workers. Ditto many essential workers and building trades (not masked at first, but in my state, masked for several months now). Like, this is not really front-page news, but I paused and thought of where the outbreaks aren’t, and it made me think for a bit.

    Where the outbreaks are (at least where I live): at unmasked things (indoor bars, eating inside, a giant mega church event with a lot of old people). Spread in my area is rising, but I truly believe that I am not going to get it at the grocery store (masks mandatory and are actually worn) or getting take out.

    1. Didn’t Fauci say this a few months ago? If everyone would wear masks, he thought we could gain control in 4-8 weeks, right?

       1. Yep. Also even thought masks aren’t 100% effective in preventing spread there’s also evidence that it decreases viral load when they don’t eliminate transmission, which likely cuts down on further spread and also means those who get it have milder cases.

    2. Yes I mean masking is all we have right now in the absence of vaccines etc. and mutual vaccines would make the incidence all over town fall a lot so then it becomes “harder” for people to catch because it’s not circulating as much.

       1. *mutual masking

       2. Right. It’s just just you wearing a mask, but all parties wearing masks that makes everyone safe. You wearing a mask in a space where your customers or whatever aren’t gives you some protection, but not nearly as much.

    3. A ton of healthcare workers at UCSF, one of the best hospitals in a state doing well on COVID, are now sick. They wear masks nonstop and are screened daily for symptoms.

       Either way, when we still don’t have great testing and contact tracing is close to nonexistent in many places due to the extremely high burden of disease, we cannot say with any accuracy whether grocery stores or any other sites are “safer“. We can guess but we don’t know.

       1. Is there a feeling that they got sick at work? That could definitely be the case, if you are people-facing 100% of your job time (many of us aren’t though), but it could well be the case that there was household or other spread (you are not at work more than you are).

          Sad fact: a large party was busted in my city that turned out to be a cluster. Attended mainly by people tied to health care employers.

          1. Yes, they are thought to have gotten sick at work. Actually, I double checked the news and it’s only three workers who are confirmed sick, but 15 patients are sick as well and 28 workers are in isolation now. Hopefully they will stay healthy.

       2. Healthcare workers also have to get really up close & personal with sick people, some of whom can’t wear a mask (small children, people being treated in the mouth/nose area, etc.). They’re not a great metric to use to assess the safety of the general public.

    4. Nitpick – the hairstylists were in Missouri.

    5. I agree entirely! In fact, NPR just had an article maybe a week ago suggesting strongly that air travel is arguably safe if all are masked. I’ll link under my comment!

       1. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/10/20/925892185/do-masks-really-cut-your-risk-of-catching-covid-19-on-long-plane-flights

       2. i was really excited to read this but im still not traveling yet because the main thing is that it’s a total luck of the draw – who knows if your fellow passengers will mask up and diligently remain masked the entire flight… just depends on who you get on your flight and i have no control over that

          1. +1. Plus the security area, waiting area, restrooms, shuttle to my gate, etc, are all areas at risk for crowding or non-mask compliance or even surface transmission regardless of how well the flight itself goes.

    6. Spread in those common places is not a news event anymore. There have been tons of grocery essential workers and a few deaths in my city, no matter the actual store. Healthcare workers were dying in droves but now have adequate PPE (even my regular doctors office, any client facing role has on an n95 and glasses/googles/face shield and gloves) – regular clothes though. Teachers have died and are getting sick in my state – schools get shut down every week, start back up, another one same district gets shut down, like bopping gophers. You either don’t live in a hot spot or they simply aren’t covering your run of the mill infections anymore.

    7. I’m in a Canadian province that has less than a million people and only ten cases. Zero community spread. We’ve been wearing masks since late August at all indoor places by health mandate. It’s great because life is so much less stressful with masks. Even if someone from away doesn’t obey the 14 day quarantine – we’re all masked so the chances of them starting an outbreak are pretty much nil. Life is basically Before Times normal except masked and distanced where possible and no big crowded events like concerts without assigned/distanced seating.

       Masks are NBD. Throw a pack of disposable ones in your car in case you forget your cloth ones. I though the mask mandate was overkill at first but the reduction in stress level is so nice.

       1. I live in the biggest Canadian province (14 million people) and we are also all wearing masks. I can’t remember when I last saw someone in an indoor space not wearing a mask, and many wear them outside. Our indoor dining, gyms, movie theatres, etc were recently shut down again as a result of an increase in cases. I have not dined inside anyway since the pandemic or been to a gym or theatre nor have any of my family or friends. So I think there is much more to community spread than mask wearing. Population density, housing density, use of transit vs cars, etc all have an impact.

          I’m all in favour of wearing a mask, but to think they are the solution ( along with social distancing, handwashing) is a bit naive.

          1. Masks really work best if everyone starts wearing them before community spread starts or while it’s still minimal. Ontario was very late to the mask mandates, post-community spread and for a while mandates were only at the county level not province wide. Ontario waited way too late to require masks. And Alberta just mandated masks like this week when it’s been clear for months that they were necessary.

             1. Toronto mandated masks in early July. Cases were down to less than 20 per day in August. Daily cases in Toronto are now around 300. Toronto has one of the highest, if not the highest rates of infection in the province. Also the most densely populated.

    8. I really do think we could have this all under control if people would a) limit their exposure by refraining from unnecessary social gatherings, in-person shopping, beauty appointments, etc. and b) wearing masks when they do go somewhere. I mean, masks have really come a long way in terms of style, comfort, and availability, it’s pretty easy to get a bunch of reusable masks and have one on any time you’re around other people.

       But I don’t think we just throw on masks and go back to normal, social distancing is still an important piece. That means continuing to work from home (if you can), putting events on hold, avoiding crowds, refraining from big parties and social gatherings, etc. I know it’s hard, I know it’s inconvenient, I know it means that Thanksgiving and Christmas will look really different this year, but we gotta do it.

    9. Obviously yes. It’s very clear that everyone wearing masks is important and really helps. Your tone here is so strange.

       1. I don’t want to speak for the OP, but I wonder if she was getting at a similar concept as to my post on yesterday’s thread.

          Since masks work so well, maybe some people can return to some (not all) masked activities like, for example, occasional pedicures or the rare movie theater visit.

          Again, not sure what the OP exactly meant, but that was my take.

          1. again, if you live in an area where people take mask wearing seriously. where i live it is required, but i still see people with masks on their chins or just their mouths and not their nose, etc. i actually think that larger fines should be imposed for not wearing a mask

          2. Masks will always help but it’s so out of control now that it’s more like lock everything down for two weeks like in March to try and circuit break (except keep schools open as it’s clear spread is minimal). Then everybody masked basically all the time when indoors as you slowly open up again in a phased way. Then continue to require masks until no community spread.

             1. Why is spread so minimal in schools. I’m baffled by that. Normally schools are gross petri dishes!

             2. Anon @ 1:16, I saw an article that claims it’s “mom code” in Utah not to notify the school if your children get sick with COVID, so that shutdowns don’t ensue. My brother had his child’s pediatrician advise him not to give his child a COVID test as it wouldn’t change treatment AND so that they wouldn’t have to report it to child’s daycare and be responsible for … whatever threatening precautions might occur. (In a red state.) I do believe children could have fewer cases/milder symptoms, but that we’re also not seeing the full picture of infections.

             3. Same thing here in a purple neighborhood in a red county in central VA. Mom code is don’t test, don’t tell.

             4. The spread being minimal in schools seems to be a worldwide thing. I suspect it’s because students obey teachers and sit at the spaced desks and wear masks when required. Adults don’t obey nearly as well in workplaces and bars and shops.

                Doesn’t mean there isn’t spread in schools and some won’t have to close, it does mean that it would be good if we treated schools as more important than bars and restaurants. They can stay open unless they are sources of spread.

    10. I think it depends on where you are. I’m in the urban inner Bay Area and I rarely see anyone not masked. My sister is in Texas and it’s something like 50/50 in her experience. She posted a pic on Facebook of herself and her 18 year old daughter just leaving the voting station, and more than one of her friends (female, affluent, educated) responded along the lines of “take those masks off!”

        It’s so, so sad to me that we live in a time where believing in science is political.

        1. I can’t get over how angry some people get at other people wearing masks.

        2. So surreal. Are we living in a Hunger Games prequel or something?

19. Maybe a dumb question. I recently noticed I shed a lot of hair on the bathroom floor. I want to start doing regular floor cleanups more often than I do full bathroom cleanings. I’m trying to figure out a minimal hassle way so that I’ll actually stick with it. Any tips for a simple method (small vacuum? wipes? duster?) or best time of day/week for small frequent cleaning tasks like this? If it matters, it’s a tiny bathroom and not easy to move around in, which may be why I avoid it. TIA!

    1. Small rechargeable vacuum, like a dustbuster, hung to recharge in the bathroom. I had a plug put into the closet for this specific purpose. If your bathroom in carpeted, i use the sole of an old sneaker and rub it along the floor to gather hair, squeegee style. Yes, I am wearing the sneaker when I do this. Old school sneaker, not running shoe, as the soles are the wrong material.

       1. If your bathroom is carpeted, and you have the option to remove it, please do so, mold magnet.

          1. Agreed! We moved into an older house that had carpet in the bathroom, and I was so happy to rip it out and put tile in
             Also realizing how much hair, nail clippings, dirt, etc is on our tile floor makes me disgusted by what was in that carpet.
             Btw OP, we just use a vacuum. It works better on all the hair than a broom does.

    2. Rechargeable cordless handheld vacuum that you can store on a command hook on the wall. Sweeping is a production (getting the broom and duster, going back and forth to the trash can, storing the items back). I recharge my cordless vacuum once a month and vacuum whenever I see the need – bonus that it gets nooks crannies and baseboards.

    3. I keep a box of the dry Swiffer cloths under my sink and will use my foot to “sweep” the floor with one of those whenever the hair starts to bug me.

       1. Same except I use a microfiber duster. I would not be opposed to those goofy duster slippers you see now and again.

       2. +1 I like Swiffer cloths better for hair than vacuums. I use reusable/washable microfiber for most of my flooring, but really feel the need to throw away whatever I clean bathroom floors with.

       3. Same but I use a Kleenex/tissue and wipe along the room perimeter.

       4. OMG this is genius. I was given a Swiffer as a housewarming gift but I never use it–I’m sticking the pads in my bathroom today!

    4. Dyson stick vacuum.

    5. Robot vacuum with pre-programmed daily cleaning time. Game changer.

       1. YUP, I love mine. I have the Eufy 11S and it’s awesome as long as you take care of obstacles. All I have to do is empty the bin every 2-3 days.

    6. I love my roomba, but it’s hard for it to get into the bathroom and get into the corners so it doesn’t often make it. My bathroom is also fairly small and a bath mat covers half of it (I wash that), so it only takes a minute once or twice a week to run a damp paper towel or a couple squares of toilet paper around the exposed parts of the floor to catch the hair and dust. That keeps it looking fine in between the occasional real vacuum/more extensive clean.

    7. Why not a broom? My cat’s litter box is in the bathroom so I sweep very regularly.

    8. Swiffers work really well for hair.

       FYI I’ve been freaking out about hair loss lately too, and then my husband reminded me that I do this every fall. It’s apparently a thing, according to the internet.

20. Anyone else desperately miss business trips? Now granted I wasn’t on the road weekly or anything — more than 1x every month or two. I miss being in hotels, putting on a suit, going to someone else’s office and having a meeting, taking a depo, whatever, followed by the race back to the airport. It was all exhausting as those days tend to be long, you’re up earlier and you have to be “on” — but to me it felt like being a working professional, doing what I was supposed to. Anyone else? When I say this to friends (all of whom travel for work 1x/yr if that and then whine about it) they look at me like I’m insane.

    1. I miss it. For me it was the train journeys through other parts of the country (and taking the sleeper train) rather than flying but yes I really miss it. Feeling like I had somewhere exciting and important to go, meeting new people, etc. Working from home feels like being a student.

    2. I do. Mostly I miss long flights in business class and staying at a hotel room where someone makes my bed and I can order room service and take a long leisurely bath and oh, the quiet. Signed, Mom of 2 tired of the noise

    3. Yes, I miss it so much. Granted, having no kids and an easygoing spouse made it easier for me to travel than for some of my colleagues – and I only did big multi-day trips five or six times a year. I might have loved it less if I had to do much more frequently. But I really miss it.

    4. I miss it. I also don’t travel frequently, but I miss all the things you talk about. I miss seeing acquaintances at conferences and grabbing a drink with friends in random cities. I miss having a night alone in a hotel room, and waking up and having my own morning ritual that doesn’t involve getting everyone else ready to leave the house. This is more general to all travel, but I miss being in new places–checking out the random, hole-in-the-wall restaurant, or getting a treat from a famous baker, or just taking a walk around a new place, etc.

       1. This exactly.

          What I do not miss about business travel is the extra 5 pounds of perma-bloat from eating salty restaurant food all the time, and the constant illnesses.

    5. I miss the effects it had on my billable rates. 2-3 trips a month with some longer travel days gave me a some greatly missed hours. I just haven’t had the energy or enough work to put that time in these days and my billable stats are suffering, causing me a a lot of stress. :(

    6. I miss conferences. I went to a virtual conference last week that was just not the same. I miss being in a new city, exploring after the conference ended for the day, staying in a hotel.

       From a purely financial point of view, I also miss driving reimbursements. My car gets excellent gas mileage so I made a profit on 60 miles a week of driving using the IRS rate and Costco gas. Miss that $120ish a month.

       1. Me too. Nothing like being able to focus on making new connections/talking about interesting subjects/giving task oriented brain a rest and using ideation brain.

    7. I’m miss court and in person hearings so much that I’m considering a career change. I hate being a desk attorney.

       1. +1

    8. Yes, desperately, mainly because I just miss doing things not in my house. In the before times, I only traveled on average about once a month, but just getting out of the office and not staring at my screen was so nice. I miss airports. I miss airplanes. I miss hotel rooms with maid service. I miss being in different cities. I just want to go to a deposition in person. I’ve had precisely one in person meeting since March with a client the next town over, and even that was nice to get out of my home office. I mean, being home more was nice for a while, but I just need some not-screen work time. My husband has an oral argument actually in court today (why it’s not virtual, I don’t know), and I’m so jealous.

    9. Yes, I miss it. I didn’t travel a lot – maybe 3-4 times a year – but I mostly enjoyed it. I was just chatting with a friend that I missed my airport routine – a latte, a magazine, 1+ of kindle reading time (I gave up on working/using airplane wifi a long time ago). And ditto the hotels and room service or just eating alone at the bar.

    10. I miss my favorite conference, which was in a super nice hotel in NYC and was like all of the smartest people in my industry in one room talking about fascinating stuff. It was so great.

        I also miss business trips to Asia, because international business class was heaven and I always had the chance to see amazing stuff around my meetings, even if just by going out for a long run.

        The bulk of my travel, though, was stressful time-compressed 24-hour trips to Charlotte/NYC/DC/Chicago, and I don’t miss that.

        1. I will say that in general, however, the end of business travel has been great for me and my partner. We were both very heavy business travelers – like 100+ days a year on the road – and I hope we never go back to it.

    11. I miss it so much. I traveled 1-3 times a month, never more than 2 nights at a time. I love staying in hotels, but more than that, I love having the time to myself and not being in charge of everything at home.

    12. I really miss wearing suits. It’s not something I did that often, so it was special to me before. I wore suits for Important Things and I miss having those days.

    13. Yes. I miss hotels, and cable, and being alone, and long drives with audiobooks. I went from commuting to my new job (Sunday-Thursday) to moving to the new town and then lockdown within just a few weeks. This is the longest I’ve gone without being gone overnight for work in seven years, and I miss it.

    14. I miss the meetings more than the actual travel. I miss my industry colleagues, many of whom I’ve know for 20+ years. They’re not close enough that we keep up via text or zoom, but I’m always really happy to see them and catch up, and that just isn’t happening now.

    15. I miss it like crazy. It probably doesn’t help that my last business trip that I took last year was amazing, and in addition to getting some great work done, I had a truly great time. I also only traveled once a month or once every other month and would gladly going back to doing that or more. I am way more anxious to resume business travel than I am to go back to the office every day.

21. Does anyone double mask? I know drs. do but I mean in regular life — like a cloth mask with a paper surgical mask over top? If yes, when do you do it?

    1. On smoky days, I’ve used vented N95s with a cloth mask on the top. I call it the “California mask.” The n95 is for bad air and the cloth for COVID.

       1. This is stupid. You don’t need a cloth mask on top of an N95 for Covid.

          1. If you want to vent the n95 you do.

          2. It’s a vented N95, which is not acceptable for protecting others. Before calling people stupid, maybe try some reading comprehension? Also in CA, have also done this.

             1. Maybe try specifying that it is vented

             2. They did. Stop arguing.

          3. The vented N95s don’t capture viral particles being exhaled, they only filter inhalations. This is smart, not stupid.

          4. I believe the cloth mask on top of the N95 makes the N95 last longer as the cloth mask catches the droplets or smoke first and you N95 gets “dirty” slower than it would otherwise.

          5. Don’t call people stupid. Do you live in California?

             Do you know that the N95 masks we wear during the smoky season protect us but not others?

             Do you know that by putting a surgical mask on top, we then also protect others?

             Do you know that my doctor and all of his staff do the same thing in their office, where they treat immunocompromised patients like me?

             I will be sure to let them know a person on the internet thinks they’re stupid.

    2. Nah, the one mask is fine. If you’re really worried, filters can add a little extra protection. And soon it’ll be easy to layer a scarf over your mask, just be careful about condensation buildup making the mask too wet to be effective.

    3. We did when flying overseas for an urgent family matter. N95 masks plus cloth or surgical mask on top. Now I wear N95 exclusively whenever I go to a physical store or pick up take-out.

    4. Yes, every time I leave my house. Or recently had plumber in the house to adjust all of the radiators.
       Surgical mask or N95 with cloth mask over it.
       I WFH and the only time I go out is to pick up food/groceries (curbside) or run into UPS store or very brief outdoor distanced visits with mother- and father-in-law (who are also masked).

    5. I have N95s with vents from a fire season before the pandemic, so I double mask 1) when it’s smoky or 2) going to medical appointments where a health care provider needs to be very close to me (blood draw, etc). Otherwise, I wear a cloth mask.

    6. The point of double-masking is to use the cloth mask to protect the medical mask for reuse. So you would never put the surgical mask over the cloth mask. The cloth mask would go over the surgical mask.

       1. I think people say surgical mask when they mean the blue disposable masks

          1. They do, but you still wouldn’t put that over your cloth mask. The cloth mask goes on top always.

    7. My kids go back to school next week. I am sending them with a mask and a buff, in case anything happens with the mask elastic or they lose the mask (buffs don’t get lost b/c they wear them on their way out of the house).

       1. I’d be shocked if the school doesn’t have disposable masks for back-up. Also, my kiddo’s teacher has lanyards for all of them. The lanyard doesn’t leave the classroom. Kids arrive masked and then get their lanyards to clip onto their mask. It is pre-k, and they’re in the same room all day except for recess or gym time (indoor recess). They take masks off for lunch/snack and recess/gym. So the lanyard helps the kids keep tabs on their masks during those times. More information than you needed to suggest a lanyard for the mask if you’re concerned they’ll lose them.

    8. No seems completely pointless.

    9. I don’t, but I thought you were supposed to do it the other way round? Cloth mask over paper mask? Granted, that’s from the early days but friends in healthcare were doing that over their N95’s to extend the life of their masks and because they had more cloth masks and could swap them out/wash/sanitize them more easily.

    10. I will be flying in December for the first time since pre-Covid and I plan to wear a mask plus face shield. I’ve heard of other flying and doing this OR double masking. I highly doubt it is necessary, but I also don’t see any reason it is problematic.

22. Has anyone ever experienced what I’m about to describe?

    I work in finance and make good money. I’m in my mid 30s. I’m about to lose a fourth family member to a specific terminal brain cancer. Both of my parents have had cancer, my FIL had and died of cancer. I’ve lost other aunts and uncles to other types, too.

    Maybe it’s the emotion of the inevitable death of my close relative, but I kind of feel this “what’s the point?” when I pivot away from the emotion of what’s in front of me and back to work. Like, I’m smart, have transferrable skills – can I / should I be doing something else to directly support organizations that either research cancer, care for patients, families, etc? I’ve worked for non-profits in a former life and have done the “martyr for the good of the cause” thing, and I have no interest in that. But I’m struggling right now. I’m not wealthy enough to just write big checks, but I’m also strapped with a toddler and busy career so extra hours for volunteer work (+COVID challenges) wouldn’t be easy. Sometimes I feel like my existence should have much more of a purpose, and lord knows I’d dedicate myself to this cause so personal to me. Forgive me if this is a now just rambles and not making sense, but this is really weighing on me today. Would love to know if others have grappled with this sort of professional existential question, and what you did to “deal”…. career change? throw yourself into work and just donate money?

    1. I get a little bit of where you’re coming from. I couldn’t see how my job was helping anyone but myself – I tried really hard to see the customer benefit but that wasn’t always there either. I managed to pivot and am now in a role to do with financing the transition to the green economy and that feels so much more worthwhile. BUT it does make work a lot more draining emotionally – and I try hard not to read climate crisis news at the weekend.

    2. I’ve been going through something similar for the past few years. I’m lucky to have stumbled into a job with above-average pay and below-average hours. I spend as much of my free time as possible with my loved ones, as that is what’s most important to me.

    3. I’m so sorry for your losses and sick family members. That’s so unfair.

       I think it’s 100% natural to question priorities when we’re confronted with our mortality, which you’ve had to deal with more than is typical. It may be that you really do want a change, or it could be wrapped up in your grief. I would give it some time and see how you feel when a loss isn’t so fresh. Is this something you think about otherwise?

    4. I’m going through this now, too, and have been for the past five or so years (mid-thirties as well). I’ve always kind of felt that nagging gut feeling that there has to be more/what’s the point of my job, but it came to a head when my nephew who lives nearby was diagnosed with leukemia at age 3 (and I was 9 months pregnant with my second child at the time). Watching him, and my brother and SIL, go through treatment was gut-wrenching. I started volunteering with LLS (including raising money by running with Team in Training, which is a great way to raise money + commit to better health at the same time) and also giving blood regularly. LLS–though focused on blood cancers–funds research for treatments for other types of cancer as well. Both of those things fit with my busy schedule and are concrete ways to help the fight against cancer. I’m also continuing to re-think my career and making plans to pivot to something more meaningful. So – in short – you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. I would say don’t ignore your gut and just throw yourself into work hoping this feeling will go away; instead, follow your thoughts and let yourself explore / entertain the idea of making space for things that align with your purpose, even if that doesn’t mean fully shifting to a different career.

    5. Been there. Big 4 for 25 years including 15 as a partner. 7 years before I left I decided I couldn’t serve the type of clients I was working for and changed directions. Then left a few years ago. More recent experience has given me perspective on the type of organization I want to devote my career to and I am working on making another move.

       Define what success looks like for you right now. And then be prepared to re evaluate in 5 years. Your toddler will be in school and you may have different demands on your time (or another toddler — who knows). I think looking back, the most important thing was to step back and evaluate whether I was happy or not vs riding the auto pilot train filled with long hours and lots of stuff.

    6. I have felt something similar during stacked trauma/grief like you are describing. Therapy and grief support groups really helped, but ultimately I did choose to pursue a more meaningful career path. As a result, my life today is really high in purpose, which makes all the difference when it feels like the hits just keep coming. In fact, I would likely feel similarly burned out right now if it weren’t due to life changes I put in the first time I went through this. You are not alone. Grief and loss can/will change you. I hope you get helpful support and feel meaning in your life again soon.

    7. I was given the very good advice to not make any major decisions until a year into the grieving process. I had back to back family deaths and so my year became three. It was still good advice. Don’t change anything until things have stabilized for you and you have your normal decision making capability.

    8. I did after I lost my first child to cancer. My father had also recently died due to cancer. I thought, what is the point of all of this?

       But instead of trying to pivot fields, I started doing fundraisers for the hospital where my child was primarily treated. I was also employed full time and just a few years later had two toddlers (not twins but less than two years apart) so I understand being busy, but honestly my fundraiser was sending emails to friends and asking for specific contributions in my late child’s name, so it was a fairly low time commitment. A huge emotional commitment, though, which I didn’t really realize until several years in. But it felt good to be doing something, and because my fundraising was so specific and targeted, I got to see the money going to work for other kids like my late child.

       You might look into some form of volunteering or other good works rather than thinking you need to upend your career. A lot of cancer research is better funded during favorable economic periods, so you can think of your contribution as being a taxpayer and helping the economy keep functioning with your work in finance.

23. I cannot for the life of me find the term for something. I’m looking for the name of kitchen cabinets that were built without boxes. In our kitchen, the lower cabinets are built so that there is a frame and a bottom, but the back of the cabinet is the actual wall and there are no “walls” inside the cabinets. You could (and my kids have) crawl from one side of the kitchen to the other inside the cabinets.

    It’s something I’ve seen in older houses and I have something I want to google regarding storage–but can’t figure out what to search for. They aren’t “frameless” or “boxless” or “open.” I suppose they literally are not cabinets since they are not boxes, just build-in-wood-shelves-with-doors-and-a-counter-on-top. There has to be a term!!

    1. ‘Open back’?

    2. Double-sided or two-sided cabinets?9

    3. I think a lot of custom cabinetry is like this. You wouldn’t be able to find it in off-the-shelf cabinets, but your local cabinetmaker could absolutely do it.

    4. Hubs is telling me “face frame”- but that’s only sort of it. They’re like “face frame only”. Ugh.

       1. Looks like it might be called a continuous frame or a continuous face frame.

    5. Maybe this can help?

       https://www.deancabinetry.com/cabinet-terminology-framed-frameless-inset-overlay/

24. Another slippers question, but slightly different from yesterday’s: I have Morton’s neuroma, and do best with an extremely wide footbed that lets my toes spread out. I have been wearing my Birkenstock Arizonas all summer and my feet have never felt better. Now looking for a winter slipper that will keep them equally happy. I tried the Birkenstock Boston clogs in the same size as my Arizonas, but it’s not as comfortable.

    Any suggestions for slippers with very large toe boxes? Should I try the Boston clogs in a size larger? Any other brands or recommendations? Wondering if men’s slippers may be a good place to look, as they seem to be wider generally. Thanks!

    1. How about the fuzzy slipper sandal things? Ugg has some. They’re made of fuzzy material but have an open toe box.

    2. I think they make those Arizona sandals with shearling lining – they’re definitely hideous but maybe a compromise if you can’t find anything better. It’s also possible you just need to break in your clogs more.

       I have wide feet and I’ve found that a lot of wide sizes don’t actually make a wider sole, they add more fabric to the upper. So it’s more accommodating if you have fatter feet but my little toe still hangs off the edge of the shoe… argh. I’ve tried a number of brands, including wide width slippers, and keep coming back to Birkenstock because their soles are actually wide.

    3. Not slippers, but I just wear my Arizonas with wool socks in the house.

    4. You have to break in the Birkenstock clogs. Maybe that’s why you found them less comfortable?

25. Hi hive. I’m mid twenties and 2 years out of law school and currently clerking. I have about $40,000 student loans from law school that I refinanced to 4% after law school. My parents told me that I have 2 investment accounts in my name (my father is the custodian) from a relative. 1 account has exclusive Disney stock at around $2,000 and one through MFS with $1000. What should I do with these? Leave them, roll them into an IRA, cash them out and put them towards my loans?

    1. Hi,
       It’s hard to give advice without a more complete financial picture. Question 1 – is your dad willing to hand over control of them to you? If not, then maybe forget they exist for right now. If he is, or is willing to take your thoughts into account, then you have some choices. What are the fees on these accounts? If they are >1% then you should probably consider doing something else with them. Can you combine them with other accounts you have where you would have lower fees? Are their any tax consequences to that? Any other decisions are based on your situation – do you need an emergency fund? What are your life goals? Are you saving to buy a house? Retirement? Do you want to pay off your loans so that you can afford to take a lower paying job? It’s up to you!

26. Ugh. Just got a call from an Important Person who did not identify himself and came across like a telemarketer, so I asked in a brusque tone, “Who is this?” Facepalm. Please, people, give your name first thing when you call someone who doesn’t recognize your voice or have you in their contacts.

    1. You didn’t do anything wrong!

27. Yes, I said the same thing! Dignified, classic, strong.

28. So excited for my new nap dresses! Anyone else j’obsessed?

29. I just love getting an email from the big boss for his newly signed contract for the next year, specifying all the fancy new bonuses he’s getting in a cell phone picture of a printed Word document. Which was emailed to him by the board chair who signed it and has the original, saying, “THIS DID NOT WORK THE WAY I WANTED IT TO.. WILL DROP ORIGINAL OFF WITH YOU”

30. I’m so sorry for your loss. And you should be proud of all you’ve done.

Comments are closed.