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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Graceful Expectations Cap Sleeve Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This top reminds me so much of Anthropologie — but because it's actually from ModCloth, it has a ModCloth price instead (huzzah) and also ModCloth's inclusivity, with sizes from XXS up to 4X. The pretty top is $45 and comes in two prints and a solid red. I think it's an elegant blouse by itself, but if you want to go full Anthro/ModCloth and mix it with, say, a striped cardigan or windowpane blazer, all the better. Graceful Expectations Cap Sleeve Blouse This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.10

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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326 Comments

  1. The recent posts on name changes got me thinking… I got married more than five years ago and ‘changed’ my last name to my husband’s last name on the marriage certificate. We had a series of planned and unplanned changes in our lives immediately following the wedding, and I just never got around to changing my last name on any of my other documents. Now, after so much time, which last name I use doesn’t seem all that important (either way) to me. Any insight into whether it is best (easiest, most simple, least-risky) to ‘undo’ the name change on the marriage certificate, complete the name change on all documents, or just leave it as-is?

    1. I’ve been married twice, and I don’t recall a “marriage certificate” changing my name on either one – it just says party A marries party B on this date. If you haven’t changed your name with SSA and DMV, you haven’t changed your name.

      1. This. A marriage certificate is a record of your marriage. It doesn’t change your name. You just use it as proof of marriage to change you name if desired at SSA or DMV.

      2. I agree. I recall asking the license issuer/marriage registrar what I had to do to keep my birth name and he said “nothing.”

      3. In SF the marriage certificate is the vehicle for legally changing your name and it’s done on the same form. OP – I think to go back to your original name, you’d follow the process in your jurisdiction for a name change (where I am, it’s paperwork, announce in a newspaper, and a court date/approval). To change to your married name, you’d just follow the steps there and use your marriage cert as needed.

        1. It’s the vehicle to start the process, but it doesn’t happen unless you follow through with the DMV, SS, etc.

        2. Now I have learned something! I always thought that once I married Sheketovits, my name would be Sheketovits unless we both agreed to hypenate our names, and then we argued about whether it would b Sheketovits-Barshevsky or Barshevsky-Sheketovits. Dad said leave my name alone, but I guess it would not have mattered. Fortunateley, I never married him so I never went thru any of this and that is a good thing b/c I am now abel to preserve my family’s regal lineage. YAY!!!

    2. You didn’t actually change your name. There’s a window of time (a year or so) after marriage where it’s legally easier to change your name. But it’s still a legal process to do so. After that point, you have to change it old school—notice in newspaper (still!), and go before a judge.
      If you only have a marriage cert and didn’t do anything more, you never changed your name.

      1. FWIW, I didn’t change my name until over 8 years into marriage, and it was no big deal at all; I just had to go through SS and the DMV – I don’t know if it varies by state, but there was no judge or newspaper requirement for me.

        I also don’t get the marriage certificate thing mentioned here, but my advice to the OP would be to do what feels most comfortable – if you’ve been using the married name, say, for work/meeting people/whatever, go ahead and change it officially. If you haven’t, just leave it alone unless the marriage certificate thing causes problems for some reason or you decide you really want to change.

        1. Yes, it varies by state. In many states you have to go to court if you’re changing your name except as part of a marriage or divorce proceeding. And if you’re changing it as part of a marriage, there are often limits on what you can change it to. Eg, you can take First Middle HusbandsLast automatically when you get married. But if you want First Maiden HusbandsLast, you have to go to court separately. Ask me how I know.

      2. FWIW, I did a legal name change that was not associated with a marriage, and I never had to publish anything in the newspaper. I did have to go before a judge, but it took all of 5 minutes

    3. You didn’t change your name. At this point it’s easier to stick with your original name, since you’re many years into marriage and haven’t changed your name.

    4. Perhaps this is US focused but from my experience (non US), my name was changed based on my marriage certificate which stated something like “Jane Doe” (birth name) and then signed by Jane Smith (husbands name).

    5. I was married in MA, and the marriage certificate was absolutely the legal name change document (for either party, incidentally–there was a space for each spouse to list the name to be used after marriage). “Changing your name” with the DMV, Social Security, etc. isn’t legally changing your name, it’s just changing the name on your documents to reflect your legal name.

  2. Time to rant: It is so annoying that we keep getting shut out from Modcloth and other sites because of cookies or whatever… Here is their message:
    Due to the new General Data Protection Regulation, we are currently unable to offer products and services to customers in Europe. We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to resolve this soon.
    Same thing, Sephora keeps redirecting UK based customers to the French website… I want American Sephora though

    1. That sucks. It sounds like they know they aren’t GDPR-compliant and don’t want to risk the fines until they’ve figure out a compliant solution.

    2. As a consumer, I can see how frustrating that would be!
      As a lawyer who regularly deals with GDPR compliance issues, I can see why a company would say “scr#w it, not worth the hassle!” (I have to say, I’m surprised by ModCloth — aren’t they owned by Walmart now? You’d think Walmart would have a compliance process…maybe they’ll be up and running in the EU soon!)

  3. Hi, I am the single mom with PMS/PMDD who slapped my son, posted in yesterday’s report. I had already apologized to my son and he accepted it. Now I want to thank anyone who replied and helped me personally. This is an awesome community. And I think I would love some extra advice from you ladies.

    1. How many of you suffers from migraines? What is your migraine condition and how do you treat it?

    I have been suffering from them since I was 5. Now I’m a corporate lawyer and nearly 40 years old. I get migraines 1-3 times a week and each attack lasts from several hours to a whole week. The worst attack in a month comes 1-2 days prior to menstruation. The terrible throbbing pain focus on my temples and forehead, not to mention other symptoms like nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to sound, sensitivity to smells, fatigue and irritability. Sometimes they make me shout, cry, or even rolling myself on the ground banging my head against the wall just to get some relieve. Sometimes I have to take up to 8 Triptans pills to relieve the pain a bit.

    2. What child care place do you recommend? I live in NYC and my office is located in downtown Manhattan. I work extra hours up to midnight, even next morning. So I figured that it won’t be a smart idea to have my 5-year-old son with me in my office at night.

    Link to my original post yesterday. https://corporette.com/jersey-side-tie-dress/#comment-3903070

    1. If this is a genuine post, I’m sorry for your difficulties. I’d suggest following up on all the migraine resources from yesterday’s thread; it seems there are many avenues that can be explored.

        1. Yup, the typos and grammatical quirks are very obvious and not something that would fly with someone who has the supposed level of education of OP. This is such an obvious troll

    3. For the migraines, have you tried Botox? I don’t personally get them, but a friend found great relief through that. Also sounds like you need a nanny, not a day care.

    4. I’ve only rarely had them, but figured out that when I fly and change time zones, I need to work towards stasis (adequate hydration, adequate sleep, healthy food) and no alcohol / overkill. That helped a lot (the rest is random, but I get auras and nausea and can’t function). IDK that this is helpful, but have you talked to a dr. about maybe going on hormonal BC and skipping periods as a way to help manage that aspect? I had such awful periods as a tween/teen/20something that once I worked in NOT having a period every month, I got a week of liveable functional life back.

      1. +1, continuous (no period) hormonal BC helps a lot for me. Been taking it this way for over a decade.

        1. I had the opposite experience. I have visual aura and BC is the only thing that helps. Visual aura is a symptom not a trigger.

    6. 1. birth control for hormonal triggers + massage therapy for muscle tension triggers as neck muscles issues are common if you work long hours.

      2. Daycare + au pair to cover evenings. But even au-pairs max at 45 hours a week so they could only do a few overnights every week. Consider a new job. It’s not practical to work to midnight or overnight on a regular basis if you are a single parent.

    7. For childcare, I suggest having a night nanny at home with your child so he can sleep in his own bed. If you’re working late, you can either work from home so you can take a break to read books, or stay at the office.

    8. Hello fellow migraine sufferer! I am really surprised given the frequency of your migraines that your doc doesn’t have you on preventative daily meds, they are usually warranted when you get 4-6+ a month. I take a cocktail of daily meds which reduce my headaches from 24/7 to 1-2x a week or 6-8x a month. I got Botox for a few years, which further reduced my headaches to maybe 1-4x/month and made them a lot less intense, but I was still prone to flare ups where I would get a migraine 4 days in a row randomly. There is a brand new treatment option called CGRP (no idea what it stands for) that has promising results, theres 3 different brands with the type of medicine. It’s a once a month injection. It’s been working really well for me, 1 mild migraine a month. I am guessing you are not seeing a neurologist, so my advice is to start there! 1-3x a week is not normal or okay!

    9. I don’t think you’re real, but you can’t take that many triptans at once. Typically your prescription will only cover 9-11 a month. You’re getting rebound headaches at this point. Talk to your neurologist.

      As an aside for real people who might be reading this thread, sumatriptan shots changed my life. I don’t take them often, but they are the best and truly only effective way to manage migraines I wake up with. I use them in addition to the sumatriptan (imitrex) pills I take monthly.

    10. What is your job? Can you afford daycare + nanny or au pair?
      What is your family/friend support?
      I know you said you’re single – does your office have daycare or child care benefits or resources to start with? Try your Employee Assistance Program.

    11. I think you are real and I am sorry you’re going through this.
      I don’t have a lot of treatment advice for you but do think, as someone else said, you are having rebound migraines from overmedicating. That is going to be tough to overcome. I am 42 and have had migraines since I was 12. About 15 years ago, I was having 20+ migraine days a month and went to a migraine specialist for help. He had me do a medication withdrawal (which totally sucked, I won’t lie – I actually ended up taking a week off work to do it) and then gave me a strict regimen of what triptans and painkillers I could take, and when. I then went back to my regular doctor (an osteopath) and he put me on an elimination diet so we could figure out if anything I was eating or drinking was triggering me. In my case, it turned out that aspartame was triggering most of my migraines, along with berries (any kind), red wine, and dark chocolate. I cut those out and saw an immediate drop in frequency and intensity of the migraines. I also read a book called The Migraine Brain which talks about how dips in hydration level and blood sugar can trigger migraines for a lot of people. I started drinking at least 48oz of water daily along with eating 5 small meals instead of 3 bigger ones (some days I wouldn’t do that – I would look up from my desk at 4, realize I had not eaten anything, and then go home with a migraine. Because I wasn’t managing my blood sugar.). Later on, I went gluten free because of IBS and that also helped my migraines, for whatever reason. It’s worth a try if nothing else is helping. (P.S., IBS, migraines and hormonal problems are connected in many women.) Sleep is also super important and if you have a 5-year-old sleeping with you (been there) and have a big job, sleep is probably going by the wayside more than it should. You should aim for 7-9 hours per night minimum. Also, if you are a teeth grinder, see a dentist or TMJ specialist who can fit you for a front-only, upper-only bite guard. Not everyone knows about these so ask around. They make you stop the repetitive jaw motions that lead to tension in your temple that then irritates your trigeminal nerve and triggers the migraine. All those changes cut my migraine frequency to two a month and they would only last a day or so. My migraines are also mostly hormonal so getting older has helped a lot. The migraine specialist told me that when I hit 40, the migraines would get much better but until then I would have to be very proactive about taking care of myself. He was right. At 42 I am now down to one migraine a month and it’s about a 6 or 7 on the pain scale, compared to the off-the-scale migraines I used to have.
      Let me bottom-line it for you the way my doctor did for me: you have a chronic health condition. It is not dissimilar from having Type II diabetes or a heart condition or something else that requires you to take appropriate care of yourself to avoid serious consequences. I realize you have a LOT on your plate but if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. You may have to do some drastic things to get this under control, like take medical leave and have your son stay with family members or friends for a week or two. Get into a migraine specialist ASAP and get some help. I don’t mean this unkindly: what you have been doing to manage your condition is not working. You must try something else. People with severe intractable migraines have a high suicide rate. If you kill yourself accidentally (by taking too many meds) or on purpose, who will care for your son? My thoughts are with you, please keep reaching out for help. Big hugs.

    12. I’m deeply concerned about you. A five year old cannot be accepting your apology for abuse. You abused your child and are now being clueless.

      1. I have never hit my kids, but slapping a child once is not child abuse. People here are always so dramatic and call everything abuse. It can be very undesirable behavior without being abuse, but calling everything abuse cheapens the term.

        1. Also children that age understand and accept apologies. I think this post is really odd for other reasons (child spending nights at the office? Terrible weeklong migraines 3-4 times a month but won’t see a doctor? Never considered childcare before?) but I don’t think this is the thing to focus on.

    13. You are taking too many triptans and are almost certainly having medication overuse (rebound) headaches. You need to get out of rebound ASAP and unfortunately the best way to do that is to cease medication. You can discuss preventative medication with your doctor.

    14. A relative of mine has chronic migraine, or maybe cluster headaches; they’ve been hard to diagnose. She regularly travels to a headache clinic in Philadelphia and says they are the best she’s ever seen. Look up Jefferson Headache Center if you’re willing to make the trip.

  4. I looked on askamanager but couldn’t find anything. Do you any of you who work in the corporate world have any guidelines for working from home that you’d be willing to share? My company (a Fortune 100 Company) has no formal policy and leave it up to managers discretion. I asked HR and they have nothing. I’m a manager and I want to be able to allow my team to do this on occasion but I’d like to have some reasonable guidelines for them. TIA Ladies, and happy Friday.

    1. BigLaw East coast, fairly conservative culture, and we are allowed 4 days a month work from home (so basically one day a week) without prior approval and more with approval. The days don’t need to follow a set schedule or be known in advance. But it really is a know your case team situation so people are all over the map.

    2. I encountered a “one WFH day per week after one year of service” rule at a previous employer with a very hierarchical structure and lots of young employees, and that seems like a pretty reasonable policy. At that employer, you got to set your own day, but Fridays were frowned upon.

      At my current employer, with a more senior, independent workforce that doesn’t need supervision, it’s an unspoken default for people to WFH on Fridays.

    3. Make sure you are clear on childcare during telework. I.e. is it ok to have a sick older kid home while you telework? An infant? Where I work, it is very clear that telework is not a substitute for childcare.

      1. I get that and yet I have to telework unexpectantly when my kids are sick. What do others do then?

        [FWIW, it is not ideal for me, but my kids are older now so as long as I feed them, they are often just watching TV alone downstairs when home sick. When they are actively ill / need to go to Dr. – hospital – urgent care, work flow is dicey and is just on a triage basis.]

          1. We don’t have sick days. Do you at least get to not work if home sick with your kids and taking a sick day?

            I have to work when my kids are sick b/c deadlines are deadlines and we are too leanly staffed for time-critical things not to get done. So my WFH day with sick kids is to get as much done as possible that needs to be done.

            It is so, so not ideal. When my kids are older, they can just be home sick by themselves, but elementary school is they are home watching TV/sleeping and I have to cover what I can. No local family. When I am lucky, I can split days with my husband but kids tends to get sick / get lice / whatever when one spouse has work travel. Ugh.

          2. No, you wouldn’t be expected to work if you were taking a sick day.

            Do you not have any paid time off? That seems weird for the kind of job you could do from home, unless you’re a contractor or something? Ugh, I wish we had better labor protections in this country.

          3. Wow, that’s really a terrible employer not to give any sick days. No, I’m not expected to work while on a sick day. It would be illegal.

          4. If it’s not a sick day then it’s a PTO day.
            If you’re corporate at a Fortune 100 company, there must be some sort of leave benefit, I assume….?

          5. Ha — BigLaw has neither sick days or PTO. It has deadlines and you beg/borrow/steal to make them, sick kid or not. But you can WFH (or anywhere else, and you’d better be working unless you are in a coma).

      2. I think this is a know-your company and know-your team situation. I’m a remote employee for a Fortune 100 company and have no “conditions” on my arrangement. I’d be really insulted if my manager told me I still needed to have fulltime childcare for my kids. Of course I do. I WORK from home.
        This type of rule seems to imply employees aren’t trusted to get their work done — which may be appropriate, but for an otherwise high-performing team, I’d just tell them “work from home one day” [or whatever frequency you decide]. Why does it have to be more complicated than that?

        1. Employment lawyer here: You’d be surprised how many people think WFH means “Yay no need for childcare!”

        2. That’s not something you should be insulted by. It’s very important to make that clear to employees.

      3. Right. I’m a senior level person (VP). I have so much PTO I could never take it all.

        When my kids are sick either DH or I WFH which means “do the best we can to be productive”. If my kid needs active help (dr/vomiting, etc)
        I just block my morning. If I’m feeding and watering only, I just keep my schedule but do it remotely.

        I don’t technically take PTO for the latter, and do for the former, but either way I just try and do both with a priority to the bigger urgency (big client meeting > kid home with the sniffles; active vomiting > big client; kid needing attention > internal meetings; internal meetings > kid who wants to zone out on the couch all day.)

    4. Would suggest to also think through how you will manage a team that is more remote. Items to consider:
      – checking work progress
      – team internal collaboration
      – team collaboration with other teams (who may not work from home)
      – meetings (dial-ins, presenting, sharing files)
      – overall flexibility (preferred hours can change when working from home)

    5. I work for a Fortune 100 company and our official company policy is “work where you need to work”. For context, we have 5 different locations in one metro area, and it’s not uncommon to need to take meetings/attend events at a different location than where their desk is. We’re also in the Upper Midwest so you often see people utilize WFH when the roads are bad due to snow. The vast majority of employees use WFH on an as needed basis: weather, need to be home for a service call, sick child, etc. The expectation is that you’ll keep your calendar updated and be available via email/Skype.

    6. I use WFH when I have a mild illness like a cold or have sick kids, but I have a low-stress job (no deadlines, few meetings/calls) that can be done from anywhere. We have generous sick leave, so I could use that, but if you take sick leave you’re not supposed to be working at all. My manager would rather I work from home, even if I don’t get in a full 8 hours, because it’s a lot more than I’d be doing if I were officially “off.” In my experience, sick kids sleep a lot, so working from home with sick kids is actually pretty easy. If I had the flu or was puking, I would take an official sick day so I could convalesce all day and not worry about monitoring email.

    7. I work remotely 100%. I think the most important thing to let your employees know is expectations about availability. Does wfh mean work 8 hours (or whatever work hours are) at your own schedule or do you expect availability during a certain time? Right now I have complete flexibility, so I generally work 7-9, take an hour or two for gym and food, work 11-2 or 3. Break until around 7, then log back in at 7-9 if I have more to do. If I have a meeting, I adjust. I am not available while I am in a yoga class or whatever, but I am never not available all day (I take leave if I am). I don’t have emergencies in my line of work. Some friends have wfh where they are expected to be available pretty much immediately 7-4 or 8-5. Just be clear on expectations based on the type of work you do.

  5. I have my final fit interview for a (non-USA) government job, after about a year of so many tests, assessments, reference checks, and technical interviews. I am so happy I could cry, but I need to keep my composure even though this is my dream job. Thank you for reading my stress induced ramblings.

  6. What are the downsides, if any, of using a service like Legal Zoom to do basic estate documents?

    I’m not in law and a friend asked me this as I disclosed we recently engaged an attorney/firm to prepare these documents for us. I hadn’t considered Legal Zoom before but, and call me old fashioned, I like the idea of a warm body and someone to talk through things with.

    1. If you are using a computer you are getting advice from a computer, not a human. Despite their assurances to the contrary, you are not getting state-specific advice or documents. I am an estate planning attorney and the most valuable services I provide to my client are the following: (1) advice for situation based on who they are as people and the specific issues they face regarding disability and death (the value of the estate is not generally a huge issue given our current estate and gift tax climate), (2) specifically customizing their documents to match their preferences and personality [see note below], and (3) access to high-quality forms that are time-proven but updated. [I make innumerable judgement decisions for every client when I draft documents. There are too many seemingly small decisions for any client to have the attention span to consider. When I make these decisions I take into account the client’s expressed feelings about family and friends, something only a human can gather.] The simplest way I can put it is that *you get what you pay for,* as is true in so many parts of life.

    2. Hi, do you mind sharing how much you paid to work with someone? I’ve been quoted $3200 and $2800 which is double what I expected for a family with one minor and a house. My more detailed post is is mod. Thank you

      1. “We usually charge $300 for each Will and $200 each for the Durable Powers of Attorney and Health Care Proxies. This comes to $1,400.00 for 2 people”

        I was referred to this firm by a mutual contact (real estate broker) Who also refers them other business so they’re only going to charge us $1,000.

        We are in an inner suburb of Boston. Two adults, one minor, one owned home.

      2. Not OP but we paid $850 for a will (that specified guardianship of one minor child), powers of attorney and healthcare directives. Small Midwestern city (not Chicago). $3000 sounds high but not impossible if you live in a high cost of living area. It also depends what you want – if you want to set up any kind of trust or anything like that, it’s more complicated. We just have a will saying surviving spouse inherits everything if one spouse dies and our kid gets everything if we both die (this is default in our state and I assume most others, but we still wanted it in writing) and specifying her guardians should be X and Y.

        1. Assuming you kid is a minor, I’m surprised you didn’t set up a trust. I wouldn’t want a minor inheriting all that money, or even an 18 year old if the law didn’t allow them control of the estate till they are an adult. I can’t imagine I would have been responsible enough for that at 18, and I was generally more responsible than most people my age I knew in college.

          1. You’re right, I worded that badly. There’s a basic trust set up in the will. Trust is not the right term then (sorry not a lawyer) but I know there are a lot of wealthy people that want to set up more complicated estate plans for tax purposes. My point was that our plan was just the basics, we’re not doing anything to avoid/mitigate taxes and I assume there are lots of more complicated estate plans that could easily cost double or triple what we paid.

          2. “Living trust” is the term I was thinking of. We don’t have a living trust and that would have been more expensive.

      3. We paid around $1000 for a basic estate (house plus one kid) with springing trust, plus medical directives. I did a good bit of research and found a solo practitioner who only does estate planning. Most of the quotes I had in NoVa were at least twice that.

    3. I keep getting stuck in mod. Could you share how much you paid for reference? I’m trying to do the same. Thanks.

    4. I’m a lawyer and I would do legal zoom. Most of my assets will pass outside probate and I know there’s not much risk. Maybe do an online form until you have the $$ for a real lawyer.

  7. Can you help me with gift ideas for a friend living in France who recently got married? No registry, and she’s downplaying it (they went to city hall), so I know she wouldn’t want something cutesy like an address stamp or Mr & Mrs glasses. They live in an apartment so not a ton of space. Consumables seem like the obvious choice, but I don’t drink so I don’t like to give alcohol (since it’s obvious someone else picked it out) and she’s a vegetarian, so food gift options are limited. The only thing I can think of is cheese, but it seems really silly to buy cheese for someone who lives in France. Help!

    2. A charity gift in their name? I’m in the UK where Oxfam have a great range of these – I might buy a pair of animals for a couple.

      (I’ve noticed there is also an Inspired by Hermione on the board now – thinking of changing my handleJ

      1. Don’t buy a pair of animals for a vegetarian because the implication is that the poor people who receive those animals will be killing them…

        2. Generally not – most of the people who receive them use them for milk and as working animals. A working animal is far too valuable to waste by turning it into meat.

          1. FWIW, people kill/eat the male animals (the one time is is better to be female). They keep the female animals alive.

            In the US, you can buy a male bovine animal (male cow seems oxymoronic, but I live in a city and don’t know the right term) for about $40. How do I know? I have a friend who told her kid (rural setting) he could have a cow if he saved up for one and had no idea that only female cows are expensive. And now they have a pet cow. [Considering the food and vet bills, the value of a male bovine animal is actually negative.]

          3. Yes — a bull! I could only think of “steer” and knew that that was the wrong term. Am feeling like I need to watch “City Slickers” now. So out of my league.

          4. Well…yes? The only point of the bull is for breeding purposes. Which is why you can often buy the bull’s contribution frozen for artificial insemination.

            That’s why most male calves are made into steers and then raise for beef. Because the point of cattle is to eat them.

          5. Same thing with chickens. The chicken you have for lunch today is probably a rooster. You need one rooster for >1 hens, so at birth they figure out which ones are male and so it begins . . .

          6. Oh, and the pet cow? Probably a steer, if male. I doubt anyone’s getting a bull for a pet – they’re too ornery . Even 4-H students are usually raising a steer or cow, and not a bull.

          7. Yeah, I was gonna say, no one has an adult bull just hanging out in their backyard for fun.

        3. ? Are you familiar at all with these programs? Usually it’s the exact opposite – a goat for milk, sheep for wool, or chickens for eggs. Helps feed the family and creates products they can sell on an ongoing basis for income which builds self-sufficiency.

      2. Hahahaha. I could change it to Inspired by Hermione Granger if you want!

        1. Oh, it’s fine. I’ve been away from being a regular commenter for so long that’s i don’t have a right to my old handle back. I’ll switch to being Ribena, which I use as a handle elsewhere.

      3. I think a charity is a great idea! (I ask for donations to charity for Christmas every year. I like Heifer International or Episcopal Relief and Development, but there are hundreds of good ones out there.) Pairs of animals, shares of wells, all are important and sound ideal for a western couple who has plenty of material goods.

        1. For donation gifts I think it’s nice/fun to include a matching token gift for the honoree, like a pretty notebook if it’s a literacy charity or something like that.

    5. Coffee and/or tea?

      Gift card to a place near their apartment for dinner?

  8. Looking for a new wristlet/phone/wallet case to replace fabric Vera Bradley one….love the many options from Brighton…would like recommendations for other faves. Not too big just enough room for IPhone, some credit cards, ID and cash..,,gets tucked into my briefcase during the day and out at night for dinner, etc. I don’t carry a separate purse so love my wristlet

    1. I have a Kavu one that I love. Srsly thinking about pre-buying another as a replacement if anything happens to this one. $40ish?

    2. The Dagne Dover Signature Essentials Coated Canvas Clutch/Wallet looks like just what you want but I haven’t personally tried it

    3. I have a Michael Kors one I love. It zips up, though. I have a (probably irrational) fear of my cards falling out of one that only folds or snaps. I have an Apple watch to see texts/calls on, otherwise it might be annoying to unzip it to get to your phone.

        1. I second the recommendation for the Michael Kohrs wristlet that zips. I also have the larger sized one that fits my phone.

    4. Botkier Cobble Hill Carr case. I bought it from Nordstrom a couple of months ago. It’s very well constructed.

  9. I’m starting a new job next month (lateral to a DC law firm, for context), and want to update my look. I’m 30, look fairly young, and want to make sure I look polished at this new place. I don’t want to go to a pure capsule wardrobe, but am planning to do a serious cleaning out of my closet during the 2 weeks I have off, and want to update my wardrobe in general. I’ve also gained maybe 10 pounds over the last few years, so I want to buy clothes that look good but also fit well.

    What do you recommend for this? Nordstrom personal shopper (which I’ve seen recommended here before)? Buying a few super nice / structured pieces?

    Relatedly, I could use someone to teach me how to do makeup properly (I feel like I never really learned and defaulted to something very basic). Where could I go that someone could help me find what products I need and what looks best? Sephora? Would appreciate any advice!

    1. Nordstrom personal shopper would be great for this.

      For makeup, I’ve had better luck at Bluemercury than Sephora. For best results, call ahead to schedule and explain what you want.

      1. +1 to Bluemercury. Their customer service tends to be way better, and I like the brands they offer. They also tend to be less crowded than Sephora so the employees have more time to spend with you explaining products, techniques, etc.

    2. I spent time with a Nordstrom personal shopper a couple of years ago for a professional wardrobe refresh and LOVED it. Highly recommend. I wasn’t in DC, so I don’t know about the stylists there.

      For make up, if you go to Sephora, I’d recommend calling in advance and making an appointment and telling them what you’re interested in learning. Don’t just walk in randomly. I’ve also had luck at a makeup counter at a fancy department store (she mostly sells Trish McEvoy).

    3. Where are you coming from? (In DC or from a different city? DC has its own style that’s a bit different from other cities.) Do you feel certain you have a good grasp of the firm’s sartorial culture? I know you have the time to shop now, but you might spend money on things you won’t get as much wear out of.

      My DC firm is pretty casual – a number of partners regularly wear jeans on our non-jeans days, much to HR’s chagrin :), and we only wear business formal if there’s a client meeting. None of our senior female partners are clothes horses – there’s a mix of “absent minded professor,” “I’d rather be hiking, but I’m a lawyer, so I’ll find REI clothes that sort of work for the office,” and Talbots. The nicest dressed junior partners wear J.Crew.

      1. My DC firm is not casual, but it’s still a lot of Talbots. MM LaFleur dresses, Banana Republic suits, that kind of thing.

        Also, I am very entertained by your description of the senior female partner fashion code. We definitely have a lot of those at our office too!

    4. I wouldn’t go to Sephora. Their makeup artists have little to no training and skew very young / experimental with YouTube makeup looks etc. I find more experienced and trained makeup artists at makeup counters like Trish McEvoy, Laura Mercier, and Bobbi Brown. I’d go to Nordstrom and ask to speak to someone from the line. (The person behind the counter may not be from the line but should be honest with you about when the line person will be there)

    5. As someone who gained a significant amount of weight over the past year I was feeling really down (not just about that but other big life disturbances too) . I don’t know what your price point is, but I decided to treat myself to an MM LaFleur styling appointment. Honestly- it was a blast (and I hate trying clothes on). I felt seen when I was there. The personal shoppers were amazing and listened to what I wanted. Honestly, it did wonders for me.

  10. I was filing away my tax returns and ran across my transcripts. I was a smart kid in high school (so much that I was not a particularly hard worker). But I guess in college I thought that my work product was per se going to be fine (since it always was previously) and it was merely OK. I’ve been working for a while (and doing quite well; I’ve since become a worker bee and one who works hard AND smart) and now I think: I will never be able to do what I have long wanted to do (med school) b/c if I just got Bs in chemistry, I am clearly not the bright shiny penny I’d need to be to get in. [Current field is not medical related at all; it is finance, so I’m good at numbers even though the last math class I took in college I got a C in. Where I work is so choosy that I doubt any coworkers got a C in anything ever and I’m feeling that I can’t even ask anyone lest anyone realize that I’m really not that smart, especially not on paper.]

    1. What are you asking, exactly? I work in higher ed and see a lot of transcripts, and you can absolutely get into med school with Bs in chem. Even (GASP) Cs or historical repeats where you got a D the first time. I can also assure you that A LOT of people get Bs and Cs (and Ds and Fs and Is) in college across a startlingly diverse range of subjects.

      If you really want to go to med school, go find a post-baccalaureate program that you can do part time and knock yourself out.

      Finally, being awesome at getting good grades in school is not directly related to professional success. Many of the skills transfer (discipline, organization, follow-through, whatever), but many also do not.

      1. I think it’s whether, after successfully adulting (possibly punching above my weight class, academically), I could ever be admitted to med school with my academic record (3.2 GPA) or perhaps I should just face it that perhaps it would be too challenging and look at something like a BA-> RN program with an eye to maybe being a nurse practitioner? If I fail at the RN attempt, maybe I could do that locally to start and see if is even feasible (would need to get in to that program).

        I feel that all fields are so pedigree-heavy that I guess I am sympathetic to the Varsity Blues parents now — I am living what their kids are up against and when you are just average it is quite hard to feel that you will ever amount to anything.

        1. This seems like an outsized response to finding your old transcript. You don’t say how long you have been out of college, but I assume it has been a while if you had forgetting how you did in school. College grades are not a measure of how smart you are for so many reasons, not the least of which being (1) different schools/classes are graded differently, (2) grade inflation seems to have increased over time, (3) you say that you didn’t study in college, making it not surprising that you wouldn’t get straight As (assumedly if you went back to school, you would study now), and (4) lots of smart people do not excel academically.

          FWIW, I went to a top law school and my undergrad gpa was about 3.2 in a science major. Never held me back in law school

        2. I agree, if you want to switch fields, look into the post-bacc (but ask a lot of questions about med school chances-(either DO or MD schools). The other option is a physician assistant program. Since you mentioned BA-RN-NP, consider whether you might be interested in being a certified registered nurse anesthetist (CRNA). Lots of fantastic options in the medical field!

        3. If you’re interested in medical school, I suggest speaking with the admissions office of a public med school in your state about the GPA and MCAT scores necessary to get in, any prerequisites you didn’t take, whether real-life (but non medical) work experience boosts your application, and whether there’s any experience you can get that would help your application. Then you don’t have to wonder.

          I suggest looking into a state med school because you’ve already been out of school a “while,” it’s a long road to actually practicing and getting paid a lot, and it makes financial sense to minimize your loans when you start practicing later in life and have less time to pay off your debt and start building wealth. (Pure anecdota, but my mother went to a state medical school at 28 and joined a private practice at 36. She paid off her loans before she turned 40 and retired at 60. Things would have been very different for her and her family if she’d graduated with the equivalent of $250K in debt.)

          Being an RN/Nurse Practitioner can be a great route too. Some APRN programs are also extremely competitive, so I wouldn’t necessarily pursue that as a fallback option. But APRN training is shorter than physician training, and costs less. I’m a healthcare lawyer and work on a lot of employment contracts, and I can tell you that APRNs in my area make more than I do. You can also look into PA programs.

    2. I’ve been there too, and for this feeling I can recommend John Green’s YouTube video “Who I Was In High School,” especially “High school is not destiny.” (Replace “high school” with “college” or “my time in the finance industry” or “childhood” or whatever you might need.)

    3. I think this depends on how much you want to go to medical school and what you are willing to spend to get into a top notch program. I think your grades and work experience would probably get you into “a medical school” but for a top program you’d face an uphill climb. But if you’re willing to look into a post-bac program you can probably fix / mitigate any prior transcript issues. I would go to an admissions session, if you can, and then make an appointment with the folks at Columbia’s post-bac program and see what they think. https://gs.columbia.edu/postbac/admissions-advisement

    4. You are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. You say where you work is so choosy…. yet… YOU WORK THERE! I bet your coworkers were not as excellent as you suspect.

      Gently, the further you get from college, the less it matters. Really. It’s a good proxy when there’s nothing else to go on, but now you have work experience and a better story to tell about yourself. If you still want to go to a professional school, you can. It might not be the very top, but you can still do it.

      Signed, someone who got a few Cs in undergrad but rocked grad school, and now has the same job as people who had far less fun in college while earning their straight As.

    5. I am not sure what you are asking for..I got straight As in undergrad and in grad school. My husband has few Ds and few Cs in undergrad and no grad school at all. I started working in a top company and I still work there. He did a lot of contract jobs and finally landed in a top company with same pay as I do. I don’t think I have been more successful in my career than him. So, grades don’t automatically translate to success. I think attitude, communication, perseverance and a bit of luck leads to success.
      One thing I notice between me and my husband is I being a straight A student have less resilience in face of failures or setbacks. It takes a long time for me to recover mentally from a real or perceived setback as a lot of self worth is tied to me getting good grades or being visibly successful. Where as my husband with not much good grades and is still ambitious can recover in no time , may be because he has failed many times, recovered or found new ways to succeed. His self worth is not tied to external successes. This attitude of not getting beaten down by setbacks, disappointments and failures is what leads one to success.

    6. I may be posting this too late for you to see, but as a physician, I wanted to weigh in. I’m a physician at an Ivy League medical school – and getting excellent grades in college and even in medical school classes do NOT correlate with being an outstanding physician. When I am on clinical service, the brightest, most engaged, and most clinically astute medical students that rotate with me are usually the ones who have taken time off before medical school (and/or post-bac) and worked “hard and smart” at their previous careers (medical or non-medical). By far, they demonstrate the greatest maturity because of their life experiences, have an outstanding work ethic because they had “real” jobs, and interact with patients in a poised, thoughtful, and compassionate manner. This is not to say that your path will be easy – it won’t. It’s a long and hard road that requires a great deal of sacrifice. But if you’re truly passionate about applying for medical school and becoming a physician, don’t let your reason for deciding not to pursue this be because of concern about your grades.

  11. Same boat here, as my favorite pair of heels just died and I also need to replace some worn out flats. The heels are no longer made and I rarely see them come up used in my size, but they were so comfortable I wish I had bought a lifetime supply of them while they were still around. Alas, I did not, so now I am searching for an almond toe, 3″ heel, black leather (not patent) with leather lining, half d’orsay with the most comfortable fit imaginable and I could walk 12 hours in them with no issues. I especially liked that the recently departed pair had some great lines that gave it an edgy minimalist look. They were so perfect I feel disappointed with anything that is not them.

      1. Those are cute. I wish I could do a synthetic lining, that would make the search so much easier!

  12. I occasionally teach computer classes, internal to my org. Often, I already know half to three quarters of the class.

    Before class, I usually hang out casually at the front of the room. I say hi to the people I know- they usually say hi to me as soon as they walk in the door. Mostly, I’ve been saying hi and introducing myself by name to the others as well, but they are most often running for the back of the room. Would it be better to follow them and do a handshake? Some other script? I dont want to talk to my freinds and ignore the newcomers.

    1. I teach adult classes with a mix of close acquaintances and newcomers. I usually pause to acknowledge the new people when they arrive, with a simple “hi” “hello” “welcome” and then get back to chitchatting about someone’s daughter’s wedding or whatever. I wouldn’t leave a conversation to go shake a newcomer’s hand, but a nod and greeting should be enough to acknowledge a new person. Depends on the size of your space and your class too, what is awkward or not.

    2. Once the newcomers get settled at a desk, then stop by and say hi. You are right that it’s nice to greet everyone and not just your friends/people you already know.

  13. Does anyone have recommendations for a camisole with a built in bra with padding? I found one from Uniqlo last year and i wear it every weekend. I’ve basically stopped wearing an underwire over the weekend except for social events and I think this is the best self-care change I’ve made in years. It looks like Uniqlo doesn’t carry it anymore, so I’m looking for another style. In terms of padding, I like it when it’s like the thin swimsuit cups except they aren’t removable so washing is easier. TIA!

  14. Recs for an air purifier? This pollen is killing me. Problem is I have an open floor plan on the main floor so it needs to be able to handle a large space. Is the Dyson one worth the crazy price?

    1. Coway AP-1512, per the wirecutter recommendation. I have two in a ~1750 sq. feet home and it’s unreal how much dust and other junk they get out of the air. There’s a screen pre-filter, a charcoal pre-filter and a HEPA filter. I wash the screen and replace the charcoal filter every other week (excessive per their guidelines) and the HEPA every quarter (user manual says every six is fine). I can notice when we don’t have them running.

      1. Second this recommendation. I have 2 in my 1800 sq foot townhouse — one on the main level which is 900 sq ft of open space and one in my bedroom. I follow the manufacturer instructions on replacement of filters and it helps a lot. If you can only get one I’d start with one in the bedroom.

  15. The Original ... (someone stole my handle, which I've had a version of since the site began...unfortunately) says:

    I’ve been nauseated for a solid week… first I thought it was weird that plane turbulence turned me green and didn’t let up, then I thought it was due to hormones (peri0d time even though I had a partial hysterectomy, I kept my ovaries though), now that has passed and still nauseated and suuuuper motion sick. 36 y/o, no chance of pregnancy, no new meds (not taking anything but anti nausea meds as needed due to this and sometimes pseudoephedrine for massive sinus issues for Spring that, if not treated with this med, lead to migraines), no major changes in food/water consumption, non-drinker. Any ideas? (Trying to get into the free clinic as I have no health insurance but thought I’d ask here in case someone had ideas)

    2. You might have vertigo, which is an inner ear thing. Feels like nausea/motion sickness. Look up symptoms online. They basically give you prescription Dramamine for it (meclazine) and then you wait for it to go away.

    3. If I’m reading this right, was the onset related to the plane trip? A few years ago I had a turbulent plane ride that actually caused some trauma to my inner ear. After that I felt like I was on a boat for over a week and essentially had sea sickness as a result. When it didn’t go away, I went to an ENT who prescribed prednisone to address the inflammation in the inner ear, and it went away. This is along the lines of the comments above, you should definitely get it checked out.

    4. PSA that severe vertigo and vomiting can also be a sign of a stroke. It does not sound like OP’s is this severe, so not trying to scare anyone

    5. I second the guesses for veritgo or an inner ear issue. I also get nauseated from sinus issues too though.

  16. I seem to be getting a rash on my legs and hips from my wool blend work pants. Has this happened to any of you before? Should I swear off wearing pants to work entirely?

  17. I need foundation help. Maybe this is a formulation issue, or maybe I’m just terrible at applying makeup, but I seem to get a very flat, “covered up” look from my foundation. Unfortunately, I have a lot of redness in my skin and I don’t feel comfortable going without makeup. (Tinted moisturizer does nothing for me.) How do I get that softer, almost airbrushed look? Here’s what I’m doing — where am I going wrong? Maybe I need a creamier foundation?
    1) Apply moisturizer, let it soak in, apply Smashbox primer.
    2) Apply foundation with brush. I use Urban Decay Naked Skin, which is super thin and doesn’t play nicely with the beauty blender. I usually use just one layer. If I’m having a bad skin day, I might use more on the trouble spots.
    3) Light powder just on the t-zone.
    4) Blush

    1. I used that same foundation for a while, but then I think they changed the formulation, and it started looking bad on me as well. I changed to a Dior foundation and love it. I would try a new foundation. Mine has been discontinued, so I look forward to learning what others recommend.

      1. Good to know that somebody else is having issues! I used to love the finish, but I’m close to the end of the bottle and I’m not sure if I want to rebuy.

        I’ve heard good things about Estee Lauder Double Wear … can any ‘rettes confirm whether it’s a winner?

        1. I used to use Double Wear in the winter and Double Wear Light in the summer, but I have switched year-round to Double Wear Light. It still has great coverage and lasts all day, but is much less heavy and cake-y.

        3. Double wear is my backup/not important day foundation. It’s too dry but it does the job when I’m just going to sit at my desk and do nothing important. My every day foundation that makes me feel at my best is a Napoleon one.

      2. Did you use the Dior BB cream? I did too and I hate the replacement – hydra whatever. I did a massive search for a replacement and settled in the Dr Jart Premium BB, which I tried based on recommendations here. It’s different than the Dior but in many ways better.

        1. I’ve been using the Dr Jart’s Premium BB as well and love it! I only use that on the weekend, though, because I like more coverage during the week. I was using the older formulation of Dior Forever during the week. I bought the last few bottles of my shade at Sephora, but I’m about to start my last one so finally have to face finding something new!

          1. I seriously don’t understand why Dior has to keep discontinuing things. I loved the BB and shade 001 was just the perfect skin matching shade for me.

        2. I LOVED the Dior snow bb cream, so bummed it’s gone. The best I’ve found is the IT Cosmetics cc+ cream (the plain silver package one with spf 50)

          1. I wanted that IT cc cream to work for me but all of their shades are yellow based and I’m on the pink side of the pale spectrum.

    2. I also have a lot of redness and love the YSL foundation. It covers up the redness but looks and feels dewy. Also, I put the foundation on the back of my left hand and then apply it with my finger tips instead of a brush.

      1. I don’t wear foundation often but I do find it looks much duller when I use a brush than when I just use my fingers.

    3. Try not using the powder. Powder gives a matte look – that’s what it’s for. I think it was Duane Sawyer who commented that powder is the enemy as we get older.

      If you’re open to trying different foundations to get a dewy look, I recommend Dr Jart Premium BB cream. I use it for redness and as an all in one including a physical only sunscreen, and it has been perfect for me.

    5. Huge makeup lover here! Foundation looks will be different for everyone based on skin type. Evaluate what skin type you have right now (oily, dry or combination), go to Sephora’s website and peruse foundations made for this skin type, then go to the store and ask for a few samples. Consider a hydrating primer (I’m liking the beauty blender opal essence primer right now). Makeup Forever HD might be a good Urban Decay substitute for you as it is also thin. Gently, not putting a little color back in your face can give a “flat” look that you describe. We are not all one flat color so covering with a single shade looks a bit off. Consider getting a subtle bronzer and adding a bit to the contours of your cheeks and temples near the hairline. Next, a finishing spray can help a lot with giving a more supple look. The Mac fix plus spray (at Ulta but not Sephora) combined with the BB opal primer I mentioned gives me a soft, dewy look.

    6. I adore the Amore Pacific cushion foundation. It’s got buildable coverage so can be as sheer or as heavy as you like. I have also switched to a cream shadow and blush that I can apply and blend with my fingertips. It keeps everything sort of fresh and dewy looking. I use smashbox primerizer underneath.

    7. I had another thought. You can use a luminizing primer under your foundation. Laura Mercier makes one.

      But still skip the powder. And I apoligize for accidentally misgendering *Diane Sawyer above.

    8. Face Atelier Ultra Skin foundation gives me that look. It’s silicon-based, so there is no need for a primer.

    9. If you’re really looking to just counter redness without being too “covered up” you can try the Dr. Jart+ Cicapair Tiger Grass Color Corrector. It’s SPF30, so depending on my skin that day, I either use it as my first step, or after my moisturizer (which also has SPF because I’m not trying to have skin cancer on my face like my mom did at my age) … a lot of days I do that + eyebrows + maybe lipstick and call it a day. I look like myself, but with less red skin. The Dr. Jart+ makes some claims about actually being helpful to your complexion over time, and I might believe it?

      On days when I do want to look more made up, but not cakey, I put some semi-sheer foundation type stuff (there’s a NYX BB cream in the rotation right now, and a Deciem foundation thingie, depending). But I find that when there’s already something (the Dr. Jart) balancing out the redness, I can use a much lighter hand with everything else.

      I do the full primer+foundation+powder+blush+highlighter+bronzer+etc. thing when I have decide I want to wear a whole lewk.

  18. During the week of my period, I seem to need an additional hour of sleep per night. Is that just coincidence or do others have the same issue?

    1. I completely believe that hormones affect sleep. I am unbelievably tired in the days leading up to my period and need more sleep. It seems to be better by day 2-3.

    2. Sleep quality deteriorates for various reasons during your period, I believe, so that seems like a very natural reaction.

    3. I need as much sleep as I can possibly get and more leading up to my period. Fatigue hits about 2 weeks before the actual period, but of course, life doesn’t stop. Gym and other activities really take a hit during this time for me.
      During the period I usually have at least one sleepless night due to cramping and discomfort. So I guess it all evens out? :/
      If you’re only needing one extra hour or so of sleep I envy you! Not knowing your schedule though, I will say that an hour of sleep may seem like an impossible task in your particular situation, but I hope not. I would encourage you to take what your body needs and take good care of yourself. Focusing on nutrition may help with your particular symptoms, but few things beat sleep.

      1. This is what I was going to suggest, too – you may want to increase your iron intake. Obviously discuss with your doctor because too much iron can be a problem, too.
        Personally I’m ok with more sleep but I understand if not everyone isn’t every month.

    6. Im often exhausted during my period. I just had bloodwork done and I’m not anemic.

    7. I sleep better during my period but terrible the week after. Idk if it’s because I make an effort to get sleep or conincidence.

  19. Hi, I’ve been quoted $3200 and $2800 for an e state planning package which includes a will, living trust, durable power of attorney, health care surrogate and deed change (for the house we own). As a family with one minor and a house, I was expecting to pay around $1500. Is this reasonable? Could you share how much you paid for the same service? Thank you.

    2. $600 for will, power of attorney, medical directive, and a few other related documents. Single, no dependents, but do have real estate and other assets.
      When I was looking for a firm to work with, I noted that prices were all over the place, and some firms had a free initial consultation, some did not but put your first visit fee towards the total to prepare your documents and some just charged you a fee for a visit regardless of whether you stayed with them or not. It really did seem that the firms who were focusing on older (read that wealthier) clientele charged more than the firms that were simply advertising the services they provided.
      Good luck! It will be major peace of mind to have this done, even if the process can get a little dreary and the family/people may not immediately appreciate you asking them questions or making arrangements for future scenarios.

      1. Thank you! It is overwhelming to think about every scenario especially with regards to guardianship.

    3. MD suburb of DC and we paid $2500 for all this (at the time we had one child and one house). It seemed steep at the time (and I’ve since come to realize this is on the higher end of what people in my area pay) but we really liked the attorney we worked with and we’ve been able to call her a couple times since then for advice regarding my in-law’s estate or any other random questions that we have- she always has a few moments to answer questions and offer referrals.

    4. Given that you’re also doing a trust and deed I don’t think that is unreasonable. It also depends on whether you’re in a HCOL area.

    5. I’d get a second opinion about whether you really need the living trust and deed. You can set up a trust for a minor within a will if you’re worried about your kid getting a bunch of money as soon as they turn 18. Most people don’t need a living trust unless they have a ton of assets and are worried about avoiding estate taxes

      1. We have a living trust for avoiding probate, not estate taxes. Having just gone through this with my mother’s estate, I will say it is completely worth it.

      2. I was told that we need a living trust to avoid probate which is about $3000 + 3% of the house for example so it seems worthwhile to create a trust instead of a will with trust provisions.

    6. In true lawyer fashion, it depends. As others have stated the COL of your area is a factor as well as what other attorneys in the area charge (thus driving up or down the prices). It also depends on specifics in your documents. My firm does not offer a fee schedule for estate planning. We evaluate each client and their specific situation/needs before quoting a fee. I’m in a LCOL area where probate costs all but the top 5% less than setting up a trust in most cases. I would do a typical husband and wife plan of 2 wills, 2 powers of attorney, and 2 healthcare powers of attorney with language for minors for about $750. I’m a fourth-year associate, so that also affects my fee. (Our firm’s office in the neighboring county, which has a slightly higher COL typically charges $1000 for the same.) If you need a separate trust it would be more like $1500, plus costs and fees due to setting up the trust and deed(s) (with recording fees) into the trust. If you have things like a special needs trust for a child that receives medical assistance, it will be pricier.

    7. We paid $1,800 last year for those legal documents in a MCOL. We don’t have a complex estate, and only one child.

  20. Seeking advice. Had work done yesterday by a contractor. He saw African Americans entering our house and called my husband because he was concerned. He started by asking if my husband is white because he said he sounds white and it’s a white neighborhood and

      1. Missed the post below. This one sounded like a troll but with the context below I see that it isn’t. Sorry!

          1. This is a totally plausible issue. Just because the incredibly privileged people here might get all up in arms about it doesn’t mean that it’s made up.

          2. Calm down. The Tupac handle plus troll desire to ignite fire is what made me think it may be.

  21. Seeking advice. We had work done outside our home by a contractor. He saw African Americans entering our home and called my husband and asked him if he was white bc he said he sounded white and it’s appears to be a white neighborhood and these people were black. My husband is black but simply responded those people were authorized to be there. When I got home, they were still working and I asked them about it. I then told them my husband was black and they said he doesn’t sound it. I ask d what does black sound like? And he said he didn’t sound like a rapper. He asked if he offended him and I said no you offended me. On one hand I can appreciate this man was trying to be helpful and on the other I am hurt and disappointed that we are still dealing with this in 2019. I don’t want this man to be fired but I want better for my son.

    1. I would 100% fire him, that’s completely unacceptable behavior. The racial profiling is one thing, and I would probably try to move past that, but saying your husband “doesn’t sound like a rapper” is just beyond and would be an immediately fireable offense for me.

    2. If you take the race out of it, what do you have? Something objectionable or not? [It sounds like some people were there who aren’t you or your husband and I see how that could be odd.]

      FWIW, if I have people in my house who aren’t usually there (family, sitter, workers), I tell them about people who may be coming while they are there (workers, housekeepers, stepkid’s friends, spouse comes home for lunch). I don’t want anyone surprised or having to make assumptions (esp. when some people have limited English and I am the sole Spanish speaker in the household usually).

      1. I think you mean well, but race is the entire point here. Black men are frequently treated poorly and the object of suspicion due to their race.

      2. No, she shouldn’t have to “take race out of it.” That’s the whole point of what he did. Instead of calling OP’s husband to say, hey, there’s a couple folks coming in and out, is there anything I need to be aware of, the contractor 1) inquired as to the husband’s race (as if that was relevant), 2) expressed surprise that the husband “sounded white” 3) expressed that he believed the area to be a “white neighborhood” and was thereby suspicious that black people would even be around. And then spouted that he expects black people to sound like rappers.

        The contractor may not have believed that he was being racist, but he was. His actions and words show a pattern of thinking around how black people “should” exist in the world that is racist and has direct, actual consequences.

        1. Slow clap! You said it!
          What contractor should have done: “Hey there’s some people we weren’t informed about entering the house. Are you expecting workers of some sort?”

          What’s also alarming – if these were white robbers would he have just let them stroll through the house!!! Terrible terrible contractor and terrible human being.

    3. Why don’t you want the man to be fired? That is horrible racism and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my home.

      When we bought our house but hadn’t moved in, we were having some work done by an electrician our realtor recommended. When I came by the house to sign off on his work, he asked if we were going to send our kids to the nearest elementary school. I said I hoped so. Then he said “are you sure? It has become pretty blackified.” I was in a state of shock. I think I said something about valuing diversity and ended the conversation, but I wish I had done better in the moment. After thinking it over, I called our realtor and reported the conversation. He immediately responded “say no more, he’s off our list,” meaning they would no longer recommend him, which will really hit the electrician because our realtor is one of the largest in the area.

      Also, the electrical work turned out to be crappy.

      I do think there should be real consequences to people doing and saying racist things. Otherwise it will never change.

      1. OTOH, I hear just as bad from my rich white neighbors, just in code for polite society: are you sure you are sending your kids to large urban SEUS public school? Its test scores aren’t all that high (yes, but they are doing OK considering the high % of free/reduced lunch kids who go there). And they go on and on how their kids just have to go to Country Day where they can “focus on academics” “because there are so many fewer distrctions” “and there isn’t the fighting that you have in public schools”.

        From one person married to a bank executive, “you can’t mix Title I kids with our kids; you just can’t.”

        So it is everwhere. All the time. It’s just what we only react strongly when the person saying it isn’t several pay grades higher than we are and is in Carharts not something that is dry-clean-only.

    5. Story time: Over a decade ago, when visiting the US, I was called out for being a fake black because I couldn’t decipher what some African American students at that university were saying. I’m just African, not African American so not used to many accents and I was deeply hurt when they were commenting I was a wannabe white girl and whatnot. I think one of the best comebacks I saw to such “accent” discrimination was when a famous Moroccan humorist (Gad El Maleh) was on French national TV, and they were doing a sort of roulette and the French host asks him to say a sentence like a Moroccan would. Gad said it in French with no accent. And the presenter: “No say it as a Moroccan would”, Gad looked at him and said “I am Moroccan, and that is what I sound like”… silence in the studio and slow clap from my nation… OK I’m out, it’s a slow Friday at the office so I’m all over this thread

      1. This and I will add there is NO such thing anymore as “white neighborhood” in America, legally.
        What this guy did and said was racist.
        If you continue to work with him, that’s ok, for whatever reason. I would still review him quite honestly online and even cut-and-paste the story as you said here. People can judge. Maybe it will help him get business – I’m sure there’s plenty of people that prefer to work with their own (bigoted) kind.

    6. Wow, I’m sorry that this happened. Thank god he didn’t call the police. I think you should talk this over with your husband and follow his lead on how handle it.

    7. where do you live? I ask because I am in Northeast in a rural area just 10 minutes from a small-medium capital city. There are still many people in the area that lack the political sensitivity and awareness to avoid saying things like this….and older folks in the region still say ‘colored’ to refer to African Americans. I would appreciate a contractor letting me know that people entered my house to confirm whether I was expecting them, and I wouldn’t appreciate the race comments …but at the same time I am not surprised that your contractor mentioned race as this could easily happen in my region and we tend to write it off as less sophisticated behaviour of the less educated…sorry but it is a class thing and many people just grew up this way in rural areas (mostly white, Appalachia) If they are doing good work, I wouldn’t fire them as good contractors are hard to find.

        1. Seriously. Plus there are plenty of “less educated” people who aren’t blatant racists.

          1. Neither is being old. You can bet they don’t tell African-Americans to their face that they’re “colored” they save it for “their own kind” where they don’t get called out.

    8. I would want to know if someone was in my house (esp. if a group of people).

      I can do with the racial commentary, but would have let the contractor know if people would be coming by (my spouse usually chats with contractors and contractors tend to chat with owners; my guess is that your guests or whomever didn’t, which could come across as odd).

      I’d find it odd for a contractor not to call if adults who didn’t interact came by the house and no obvious owner was there.

      1. Yes, exactly…I would want to know if someone was in my house. I would have told the contractor that people were coming and are allowed in the house. If they did not call and let us know people entered the house unexpectedly, I would also find that odd. I don’t care about the racial comments – people say dumb things and I don’t have to correct every single one of them. I do care about my house being safe and secure and good work being done on my house.

      2. OP isn’t objecting to the contractor telling her that unknown persons entered the house, she’s objecting to him being racist AF. Her DH ‘sounds white’ because he doesn’t ‘sound like a rapper’ – WTF?

  22. Any rec’s? I have no idea who to pick and I’m sure it can make ALL the difference. I’m north of the city, but willing to travel to get someone outstanding. TIA!

  23. I was recently asked to help prepare a partner at the firm I was previously at for oral argument in a case I had worked on. Before leaving that firm, I had agreed to spend my precious vacation time between jobs and my first week at the new job in working on this case with the understanding that I would get an opportunity to do the oral argument. On the day the brief was filed, I suddenly get a notification from the docket that the partner submitted a form indicating that she would do the oral argument. She then denied that she ever agreed to letting me do the oral argument. Now that oral argument is less than a month away, I suddenly get a call from her wanting to catch up and wondering if I can help prepare her for oral argument.

    What should I do here? On the one hand, I feel lied to and manipulated. On the other hand, I feel a responsibility for this case since I know the facts and law the best and drafted everything.

    1. My probably less than helpful answer hinges on whether the client is a person or an entity. Is there something at stake here other than money? If there’s someone’s life/personal existence on the line and you know that person’s story best, help out by all means. A corporate case where there are other attorneys and it’s just spreadsheets? Eh…

      Also, is there any chance that they had to list a current attorney at their firm as the attorney doing oral arguments?

    2. I don’t understand why you are doing a bunch of free work for a firm you no longer work for. Can you bill her in any way for helping her prepare? If no, then peace out and move on.

    3. I would not help with this unless you’re getting paid and want to do it. You have no obligation, and it’s a pretty huge ask once you’ve moved on to a new job.

      1. +1. Give the previous firm a consultant fee rate for the work and get the understanding that they will be billed for your time. This isn’t a favor you owe them.

      2. After learning some lessons through experience, my husband and I both have the same rule about consulting back to former employers: the first call of 30 minutes or less is free. Beyond that, we charge our typical side-hustle consulting rates ($150/hr). It totally changes the tone of the conversation when you ask someone to sign a consulting services agreement that says you will be invoicing them for time spent on the issue in 15-minute increments. Most people won’t continue pestering you. The ones who genuinely want and value your help have no problem signing the agreement. My husband and I have both ended up with long-term side hustle clients that were former employers by (politely, nicely) asking for payment if the issue is complicated.
        If you’re good at something, never do it for free. The only way I’d help without charging in this situation is if A. the person is powerful and well-connected and in a position to do something for me down the road, AND B. I believed that person would actually do that thing for me and not just look at it as hey, free help, awesome! It’s a judgement call you’ll have to make.

        1. This makes a lot of sense for business roles, but doesn’t work for attorneys. Attorneys have professional responsibilities to ensure that their is not a conflict of interest. As a result, every single place I have worked prohibits me from providing legal services who is not a client of the firm, for whom I’m working only on approved matters. Even pro bono clients need to be run through the conflicts department. I don’t believe that there is any way that OP’s new employer would be ok with her doing this work without running it by them or for getting paid for it (if a firm, the firm would want the money and if a government/business, they would just prohibit it).

    4. If you are not employed by her firm, how would your new job be ok with this? Are you both on the brief/in the case? If you are both on the brief, i think you have to help her. If not, i don’t see how you can.

      1. I’m so curious what OP’s arrangement with her new job is wrt to this case.

        In my jurisdiction anyway, you have to let the court and the bar know when you switch jobs. OP would’ve had to have filed something to indicate that she’s now with a different firm or handling this as a solo practitioner, right? What are the court’s expectations about OP’s involvement in this case?

    5. Frankly, for your own liability, I would not want to work on a case by doing the oral argument when I’m not covered by the firm’s professional responsibility as an employee of the firm. Unlikely an issue is going to come up, but I wouldn’t want to take that risk.

      As to whether to help with the oral argument, my decision would depend on (1) what they are asking you to do and (2) how much you like/need the partner to like you? If it is an issue of participating in the moot, I would be more willing to do that (but may still say no because I was angry I was lied to and wasted so much of my time on the case). If they want something more than that, I probably would not unless I though I would really need recommendations from that attorney in the future.

      2. These are good points. OP, are you getting paid for this? If not then this is basically a colleague asking for your informal help. I’d probably be willing to listen to the argument, interrupt with questions, and provide high level feedback. I would not re-read the briefs or other documents and I definitely wouldn’t draft her argument outline.

      3. FWIW, it is normally to have attorneys from other firms moot your argument. You have to run it by conflicts at your firm, but, absent a conflict, I’ve never heard of a firm objecting. However, I wouldn’t agree to anything beyond that (and would never have agreed to work on the brief after quitting, but that ship has sailed).

    6. Your new employer knows about this, right? What was your agreement with them with respect to this project?

    9. Yeah this sounds like a liability issue waiting to happen. If you are no longer employed by this firm and no longer a lawyer on the case you shouldn’t be involved at all. No to mention your duty to your current firm. Unless there is a clear arrangement and both firms know about it I don’t think you should do this.

      1. There is also a duty to clients too though. You can’t just jump from a firm without making sure the client is in good, capable hands. Sometimes that means negotiating with the new employer to allow you to do wrap up work at the old employer. That also usually involves fee sharing between the two firms. If you are the only family attorney at your firm, for example, and you decide to go in-house somewhere, you can’t just say “peace” and good luck to your clients. You have to transition them to competent counsel and assist in the get up to speed process.

  24. I thought the shoe roundup yesterday was a bit out of touch. How many of you still wear tall heels every day to work? I commented in the afternoon thread that the only people I know who routinely wear high heels anymore are admins.

    1. YOU’RE NOT ME! Yay! I feel like I’m the only one beating that drum haha. I keep seeing tall, skinny heels posted here, but truly, I only see a couple women wearing them in my world. It’s low block heels all the way.

    2. In my office — which runs somewhere between business and business casual — I don’t see many women (at any level) wearing tall heels. Most of us have figured out that they’re he11 on our feet and backs and have just stopped.

    3. Yeah I’m 34 and stopped wearing heels around the time I turned 30. They’re painful and I just ran out of f’s to give.

      1. Same. After hobbling around for DAYS after a stupid conference where I wore heels the whole time to be “professional,” I decided I just didn’t want to anymore.

    4. Zero woman in my office wears skinny heels. I don’t even look at them when shopping

    5. I don’t wear heels anymore. Some people assume it is because I am taller than my husband. Really it is because I can’t drive in them. Considering how rare it is for me to feel like an outfit would look better with a taller heel, I just never buy them anymore. I’m started to love a modest wedge though!

    7. Honestly, I got the pointy-toe flats from M Gemi and my feet have never been happier. There is a semi-clone at BR right now and I’m thinking of buying replacements / spares to keep at work already.

    9. Heels are the patriarchy and they can die. I work in a mid size firm that is about half women, we litigate and are regularly in court, and none of us wears heels anymore. Pointed-toe flats and everything is hemmed for flats. That shoe roundup made me laugh– no one in this office would wear any of those. The ONLY time we wear heels is if there is a jury.

    10. I would say approximately 60% of the women lawyers in my firm wear high heels every day in the office. On days when there are appearances, that number increases to maybe 80%. There is only one woman lawyer I know who always wear flats.

    11. I’m a senior associate in biglaw in NYC. We still wear heels. I’ll mix it up with flats, more so in the summer, and have even worn flats to a client meeting. But still wear heels regularly. I do wear flats/clogs/sneakers for commuting.

    12. I am the high-heel lover of all time but even I am slowly switching to block heels and flats. I still wear my tall skinny heels but I’m not buying any more new ones.

      1. I still wear heels – some skinny, some block, although I’m buying more block heels these days. Since I’ve been able to overcome my knee issues, I’m back to wearing heels. For every day at work, I’ve mostly been wearing block heel booties, but when I wear dresses, I wear heels and they’re a mix. I don’t care what anyone else wears. I wear what looks good on me.

    14. I don’t see a lot of women wearing super high heels, but moderately high ones, I guess? Like, not kitten heels, but also not something where you think you’re going to break your ankle just looking at it.

    15. I don’t know anyone over the age of 30 who wears heels on a common basis, and many of the people I know never wear heels. I wear them when I was in my 20s, but not since with the very rare exception maybe once a year.

  25. I’m looking for a white desk. I’ve been stuck on the Ava Rectangular Desk from Pottery Barn for months but just don’t know if I can bring myself to shell out over a thousand dollars for it. It doesn’t seem to really go on sale. I guess I am looking for a dupe at this point, sadly. I want something modern but structurally secure…I looked at IKEA but everything was way too small/flimsy for me.

    https://www.potterybarn.com/m/products/ava-modular-large-desk/

    2. I have a white PB desk that I’ve had for about 13 years, and it’s a work horse. I love Ikea, but there’s no comparison. I don’t think that’s true of all PB furniture, but that desk was a fantastic purchase.

    3. How quickly do you need it? I know at least once a year, the whole Pottery Barn/West Elm group does a “big” sale where you can get maybe 10% off anything? Not a huge help, but at least it’s something. Also, if you live near a big city, I’ve found that you can find pretty much anything from the major furniture brands on craigslist. The last time I moved, I fell in love with a couple things from CB2 and was surprised to find multiple people selling them there at a steep discount.

  26. I have a family event to go to tomorrow that I’m not thrilled about, and I need my outfit to be my “coat of armor” so to speak. What would you wear to an elderly family member’s birthday party, where the vibe will be “awkward family reunion with people you don’t actually like”? I feel like the 16-year-old frumpy cousin all over again, and I’d like to avoid that feeling. Jeans would def be too casual; anything more than a casual dress would be too much. My kids’ outfits are all sorted out but I am terrrrible at identifying good outfits for such an occasion. The temperature will be around 50, so … not warm. I have time today to visit Old Navy, Target or BR to get something new.

      1. Oh no, you said temps in the 50s. Maybe that won’t be so great. Perhaps a longer dress or a jumpsuit?

    3. I don’t know, but “frumpy 16 year old cousin” is totally a feeling I know and I am so sorry.

    4. In these awkward situations, I like to look a bit professional and pulled together, even a tad conservative. Probably because I’m not thrilled about attending so I want to keep it simple and know that I look smart. Let the crazies wear whatever they want….I would do a knit blazer from Talbots with a pair of casual pants (or dressy jeans)….

      1. This is what I’m thinking, too.
        Be overdressed. Be professional. Be polished. Be disengaged, objective, unemotional. And show it, d@M^ it!

        You’ll do great

        1. Looking professional and overdressed says “I came from work,” which seems like a good suit-of-armor vibe. It makes you look grown-up, accomplished, and slightly disinterested, and it exempts you from the party-specific dress code you might otherwise worry about getting wrong. Thumbs-up.

          1. These are really good points. You have a fabulous, interesting, busy life and you’re happy to drop in to say hello, but you have other amazing things you also need to get to that day <- dress like that, and leave early

    5. What about cropped pants, either slim or wide-leg, in olive + loafers or sleek sneakers + ls button-front shirt with some fun detail or tailored 3/4 sleeve boatneck tee? Add a denim jacket if cold (white, light blue or pink depending on shirt).
      You have my sympathies on weird-but-obligatory family events.

    6. Instead of jeans, maybe a pair of black ponte knit pants, patterned shell and cardigan. And some dressy flats.

    7. Cropped pointe pants, block heels or animal print pointy toe flats. Either collared shirt under coordinating light solid sweater or faux wrap blouse. Hair back in a low pony and big stud earrings. Lipstick if it’s your thing. Blazer as outerwear.

    8. Do you have black jeans? They read nicer than blue jeans. You could pair them with booties and a knit blazer, or nice looking sweater. Include fun jewelry and/or scarf and you’re ready to go!

  27. My company recently decided that a representative from my department should be on-call 24/7. So in addition to being at work 40-50 hours a week, for a few months at a time we are also expected to take calls all night and all weekend.

    Other departments who do this either (1) have “emergency” or similar in their titles and made this a clear job requirement on hiring or (2) ask their senior executives to participate. I am not a manager/executive but the management of my department (obviously) doesn’t want to do this so they delegated the responsibility to their direct reports instead.

    I am salaried, so I know my hours can vary but can I really be expected to suddenly be available 24/7? People who have done this so far have said they frequently get calls in the middle of the night and all weekend. This is stuff that would otherwise wait (my department is more of an advisor and not a decision maker) but because there is an “on-call” person identified, everyone feels free to bombard that person with questions as though it were regular business hours.

    I left an environment where being available all the time was a job expectation (and took this lower paying job) in part because of how bad my anxiety became. In the meantime, I have another chronic medical condition that has become worse and I often take medicine during non-work hours that would impair my ability to work. Do I not take necessary medications in order to be available?

    On top of that, I certainly don’t have childcare 24/7 and have limited backup resources and almost none that are available with no prior notice.

    My boss just shrugged and mumbled when I tried to ask him about these issues, so no guidance there.

    1. Seems like it’s time to job hunt. In the meantime, you obviously continue taking your medicines and tell your boss you will be taking them. Get a doctor’s note if necessary.
      Fwiw, I’m at a 9-5 job with no nights or weekends, but I am part of an on-call schedule and am “on call” 24/7 every fourth week. However, there are a few key differences between my situation and your situation – 1) calls are very rare, I’ve been in this job for 3 years and have gotten a middle of the night call only a couple of times, 2) when we do get calls there isn’t that much work involved, you’re certainly not expected to have childcare so you can work interruption-free and 3) our manager participates as well, which helps from a morale perspective.

    2. Honestly, I’d use the medical condition as an out. You need a reasonable accommodation not to be on emergency call because treatment for your condition impairs your ability to do work after hours. I’d go to your boss and cc HR on that one. If he balks, ping someone on the legal team (ideally someone you trust) – not because they represent you, but to put on their radar so they can do damage control.

      1. Thanks! I hate being the squeaky wheel but not taking necessary prescriptions for lengthy periods of time is a real health problem for me. I’ve already been told that my FMLA time (taken because I needed surgery for my disability) is “absenteeism” that resulted in a reduction in my bonus so I’m not sure what effect a request for accommodation would cause (not good, I think).

      2. Not the OP but in a similar situation. What happens if the employer turns around and says taking call is an essential function of the job? Could having requested the accommodation then hurt you?

    3. This is awful! MONTHS at a time? Do your co-workers feel the same way? Can you speak up as a group (Ask a Manager has good advice on this.) If not, I would definitely start a job search.

      1. Thanks – yes, months! Our management did a sort of stealth rollout to avoid getting the entire department to revolt. Everyone gets a lot of positive and negative pressure to participate (implied loss of promotion potential, promises of face time with “important decision makers”) and I am also the only person who has children but no stay-home spouse so I don’t think it is a virtual impossibility for most people the way it is for me; these factors combined make it unlikely anyone will speak up.

    4. Speak with an employment attorney. There are a few things here that warrant further analysis, such as the radical change in job duties and working hours, the medical issues, and the way that this harms single parents.

    5. My husband had to do this to his team a few years ago. He was the VP of Ops and his sales team started selling 24×7 support but nobody told Ops until it was too late and then they didn’t have or time or budget to staff up. It was awful. He chunked it up into 2 week shifts were you were on call. He was never primary on call but always back-up (so when the on call person slept through, his cell AND our home phone rang!).

      People on call were supposed to be in the office regular hours *unless* they fielded a call that night- then they could roll in at 10:30 or whatever was reasonable to make up for the time (if it was an all-nightsr, they just took the day off barring any critical meetings to which they dialed in).

      It took almost 6 months before they could back off, and a few people did quit. He had to proactively say “I know it’s not what you signed up for but we are a band aid” and also reward/bribe folks with lots of extra office food, WFH accomodations, and cash.

    6. Being on-call is the worst. Even if you don’t get calls, having the anxiety that you might makes it hard to sleep. I agree with others that I would look for a new job.

  28. One of my friends is preparing for an interview and showed me a portfolio she put together with copies of every “employee of of the month” type of award she’s ever received and print outs of emails she’s gotten from top people singing her praises. I didn’t say anything but I was really shocked by it and didn’t think it was appropriate to bring to an interview. Am I missing something here, is this something people do now?

    1. No. This is weird. And probably an extrapolation of weird work advice she read somewhere.

      It’s not going to mean anything to the interview because they don’t know the people or the context. And it’s biased because she’s not going to bring evidence of negative feedback, so what good does it do.

      Now, if she’s doing it to remind *HERSELF* about what people have appreciated/praised her for so that she go in confident or have successes to talk about, that would be a little more understandable. But it’s not something you take to the interview.

      1. Yes but a large company where the interviewer doesn’t know any of the people she works with. And she’s definitely bringing the portfolio to the interview.

    3. This is not normal. Direct her to Ask A Manager for interview advice. There is a free interview guide available for download.

    4. Okay, first a rant that I think most people who ask questions like “Is this normal now” are really just looking for an excuse to talk sh!t about something/someone/whatever.

      That said, no, that’s crazy. Keeping those things for yourself is a good idea, showing ALL of them to somebody is weird and BRINGING THEM to an interview is also weird.

      1. I know, right?! Like, “Hey, I’m really NOT a judgey person, I swear! But is it ok if I judge this and not only that *judge it negatively*?”

        Yes! Judge whatever you want! Who cares!

        Call her out on it? Well…. that’s not what you asked, soo….

        1. You’re both taking this really personal. It’s not like I went to all our friends and gossiped. It was a genuine question in my attempt to keep up with the social times. Sorry it wasn’t written to appease the tone police.

          1. I’m not taking it personally, it’s just a pet peeve. If you want to judge, then judge away! You’re anonymous on the internet! And this place in particular is in one of the judgiest corners! No need to wrap it up in some faux-question.

    5. Not normal.

      The advice is to have this type of folder *for your own use,* not for interviews.

      1. Yes, this. I totally have a “sunshine file,” but it stays at home. Maybe I’d review it before an interview to remind myself of all the great things I’ve accomplished so I can remember to work them into an answer in the interview, but I would not bring it with me or submit it as part of the requested information. That would be very strange.

    6. No, not normal to take a portfolio like that to an interview and show it to the interviewer, no one asks for that and no one wants to see it. What could be helpful, however, is if she pulls together that praise and those awards for her own records, and looks at them to come up with talking points for the interview, as a way to prepare and feel confident going in.

  29. Presentation advice, please. Part of my firm’s partnership advancement process includes making a pitch to a group of partners to explain why I should be elevated. I’ve been working with a mentor about the content of the presentation and I think I’m set on that. I’d like some advice on how to strike the right tone. I’ve been told that I should exude confidence but also be respectful. I should act like I’m having a conversation with my fellow (senior) partners, not presenting to the judge at oral argument. I’ve also been told that the partners are unlikely to ask questions. I’m not sure how to have a one-way conversation (isn’t that a presentation?) while seeming conversational as opposed to sounding like an oral argument or a sales pitch. Advice on how to strike this sort of balance?

    1. Get out your iphone and record your presentation. When you review it, i bet you will know instinctively what changes need to be made. My sense is that you want to adopt the style of a pitch, because elevating you is a business transaction. It’s not a legal argument.

  30. I’m doing my self evaluation at work (due today) and it’s miserable. And I got 5 hours of sleep last night, thanks to crazy thunderstorms that kept waking me up. Tell me something fun!

    1. In preparation for an awkward family event tomorrow (see my post at 10:59), my sisters and I are texting each other hilarious, awkward pictures of polka bands and marching band instruments. Because after 3 p.m., there is a 90% chance of somebody at this party breaking into song, probably while holding an accordion.

        1. Gotta say the accordion and sings sound so much more fun than obligatory family events with my in-laws.

  31. I am behind on a big goal, but not so behind that I can’t catch up with a little extra effort/prioritizing this month. I’d like to reward myself with a few small things after each benchmark. I have about ten benchmarks left and would like to spend under $20 per benchmark and would carve out up to a couple hours per ‘reward.’ So far I have: movie by myself, buy a new book, take a friend out to dessert, buy a nice bath bomb at Lush/similar. Other ideas for small rewards?

    1. New makeup item, magazine, rent/buy digital movie on Amazon or the like, treat yourself to lunch.

    2. Maybe your true reward could be finding a way to feel good about yourself without spending money/consuming things ;)

      1. Thanks! I feel really good about myself :) I love to set goals and even if I don’t hit this one, I’ll be fine. That said, My philosophy in life is to enjoy little things (reading to my niece, going for a walk, sipping cocoa on my patio with no phone) and also enjoy small splurges from time to time. This month I’ve decided will be a splurge month. If you have ideas for how to celebrate a little achievement with a splurge (open to not spending money or consuming things!), I’m all ears!

        1. This was a graceful response to a sanctimonious post. Good for you, Kate. I probably would have been meaner.

          1. Yeah well done, Kate!

            My response would have been “Oh you mean like making myself feel good about myself by making other people feel bad about themselves?”

    3. Music album.
      Go see a movie (Captain Marvel is good.)
      Carwash (the machine ones start at $4 in my area – go up if you want detail cleaning.)
      Nail polish.
      Scarf (Target or ThredUp or…)
      Socks.
      Something “artisanal” from the “farmer’s market”
      whatever’s on sale from Easter (ok just get candy)

    4. A manicure, a fancy coffee or tea one afternoon, a succulent or other small plant to brighten your work space or home, a small donation to a local charity, a new lip gloss… this is fun!

    5. Lipstick you wouldn’t otherwise buy!
      Some fancy notecards!
      One of those super fancy face masks!

    6. Nicer-than-usual lunch out, a sheet mask, new lipstick or nail polish for summer, a yoga or other exercise class, get a photo you love printed and purchase a frame for it, loose tea or gourmet coffee, a new water bottle or mug for your office, a bottle of wine, dinner of good bread and good cheese one night.

    7. A bouquet of flowers? Houseplant? If you have an outdoor space, pansies/snapdragons or something else that can hang with the cold (if you live somewhere where it’s a cool spring)? The most expensive pint of ice cream or chocolate bar your fanciest grocery carries?

  32. Anyone have advice for applying to internal promotions?

    tl; dr:

    I’m thinking of applying for an internal job posting but I’ve applied for a couple others and not gotten them. I’m wondering how many times I can apply for internal promotions and not get them before it becomes weird/pathetic/a sign I need to leave but don’t know it.

    More context:

    My organization just posted an internal announcement for the position that I want to be my next step in my career.

    This particular posting asks for demonstrable experience in a certain field, in addition to the usual generic requirements for this position. I have experience in the field but it’s kind of hard to explain/quantify. Other candidates (both internal and external) will have more extensive and demonstrable experience.

    The listing does not ask for any sort of experience working with culturally specific communities, but I know this part of my organization is developing partnerships with a community that I belong to, and which recognizes me as a local leader. Other internal candidates will not have equivalent experience with this community; external candidates may, especially if we recruit for it.

    I have been with my organization for over a decade. I applied for a different version of this position a few years ago and didn’t get it. Since then I’ve gained experience and the organization has undergone significant change. Earlier this year I applied for another internal posting (different position) and was not selected.

    I’ve spent the last three years in a position that is a poor fit for my skills and interests. It’s not a bad job; the right person would love it but I am not that person.

    My question is: How many times can one apply for internal positions before it becomes weird/pathetic/a sign I don’t know when to leave?

    The specific field focus in this job posting has me worried, though I believe my community experience is a valuable strength I’d bring to the work. Jobs in my industry are rarely available and highly competitive.

    Am I overthinking this? Any advice? Thank you to all who read this far… even just writing this out has helped…

    1. Are you just applying on the website? Are you talking with anyone about your candidacy? The huge advantage of being internal is that you can speak directly with the hiring manager and the hiring manager would have access to your (hopefully stellar) performance reviews, as well as trust your current supervisor about your abilities. I would immediately reach out to any HR person you know at the company and kindly ask for the name of the hiring manager or at least the recruiter for this position. They will WANT to talk to you! Depending on your relationship with your boss, you may want to ask them to recommend you for this opportunity. In return, you can do a longer transfer timeline and ensure the transition to new person is absolutely seamless. Obviously, your supervisor has to be interested in your growth for this to work well.

      1. Thank you for this feedback! It’s very helpful!

        The company posts jobs internally first so for now the candidate pool is limited. They’ll post externally if they don’t find an internal candidate who’s the right fit.

        I do have excellent reviews despite my frustrations with my current position, and my supervisor is aware of and supports my interest in moving into a position like this.

        I didn’t think of talking to the hiring manager but you’re right that this would be a good first step, so I’ll get going on that.

        Thank you again for weighing in!

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