Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Grain de Poudre Wool Blazer

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing a black blazer, black skirt, and red gloves

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Sure, you could get a basic black blazer, but why would you when you could get a blazer that comes with its own jewelry? If Maleficent came to life in 2022 and were a senior partner in a white-shoe law firm, this Saint Laurent blazer would absolutely be in her closet. And, to be honest, that’s the vibe I aspire to every day.

The blazer is $4,590 at Net-a-Porter and comes in French sizes 34–42.

P.S. Happy Halloween!

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

434 Comments

        1. It’s also very real life 80’s with the exaggerated shoulders and big shiny buttons. Not a look I recall with unmitigated pleasure.

    1. Well when I’m an older, wealthy philanthropist this is the jacket I will wear!

      1. I know, I feel like I’m the only one sitting here thinking, man I wish I had $5k I didn’t need sitting around for a jacket…

  1. What do you expect in terms of a “thank you” or “good job” from the top brass? I work for non-profit and am one reporting level from the CEO. My team just finished our signature fundraising event for the year and set new records. The CEO has not offered so much as “nice work” to anyone on the team. It isn’t uncharacteristic for him (it hasn’t happened in previous years either) but doesn’t seem like too much to expect. Just a few words of encouragement can go a long way, especially in a lower wage job. Am I expecting too much?

    1. I think it’s a reasonable thing to expect but peope don’t always meet your expectations, and they have their limitations. I would be upset if I didn’t get a thank you, for whatever it’s worth. But still I often don’t get one so it is what it is.

    2. No, you’re not expecting too much. That’s terrible. Assuming you lead the fundraising group, I’d try to make up for it (as much as you can) by being generous with your praise to your team, with emphasis on the good they’re doing in the world. Depending on your relationship with the CEO, you may be able to bring it up in a diplomatic way – not phrased as a complaint, but rather a suggestion, on behalf of your team.

      1. Yeah, I’m also a nonprofit fundraiser and particularly for an “all hands on deck” event like a gala, a post-event thank you email that highlights key staff is pretty standard. But if you are the Development Director, you can ask the ED to do this and say the staff you supervise need it. If you aren’t, your supervisor should be asking for this. If you feel you can’t ask directly and are the Development Director, you could try sending out an all staff email thanking everyone in other departments for assisting (assuming that is relevant; it often is with a big event) and also highlighting the contributions of your team. That may prompt other senior staff to chime in. But I think it is fine to ask for it directly on behalf of the people you supervise – that’s being a good manager.

        1. +1. I typically draft and send all staff emails thanking the team after a big project/event culminates and copy in the senior sponsoring partners. On more than one occasion this has ‘reminded’ (guilted) them into sending their own ‘thank you’ notes. But no, you’re not wrong, this is pretty bad behavior.
          I will always remember a manager early on in my career that specifically includedin the budget a line item for gifts (usually chocolates plus a breakfast spread) for the mail room, couriers, printing staff, and EAs that helped us print/collate/ship/box up the massive amounts of materials needed for a really large training conference (this was quite a while back when this was all on paper). I was informed by my director that we were one of the very few teams who did that and shockingly, we never had any issues with our materials being done correctly, on time, and prioritized ahead of other groups.

          1. you can send the ceo a note to ask if he’s OK with you sending the thank you or would he prefer you ghost write it for him.

    3. One of the things I love about my current workplace is that the exec leadership team and frontline managers all do a fantastic job of highlighting successes across the company. Morale is super high as a result, and it trickles down to individual teams, who are all very supportive of each other. It was a huge change from my last workplace (big law firm) and so, so refreshing.

      As the leader of your team, you can help build this culture by managing up! Send an email to the CEO highlighting your team’s accomplishment. Provide specific details on how great the event went, who contributed what, which records were broken, etc. And then tell CEO that it would mean a lot to the team to hear from CEO directly. Depending on your relationship with the CEO, I would even offer to draft the congratulatory email. Then all they have to do is click send.

    4. Unsurprising, unfortunately. It feels like people forget how much a simple thank you can do.

    5. You’re not expecting too much. I run similar events, and it is so demoralizing to not be recognized. They’re a lot of work!

    6. I’m a CDO (chief development officer), past development director, and this is sad. Let me thank you and congratulate you for a successful event! That in and of itself is important, so kudos for setting records! Be sure to put this as a bullet point on your resume. I’m sorry you aren’t being recognized and appreciated as you should. Time to job hunt…development jobs are very in demand right now!

    7. My entire career has been at nonprofits. You will never be recognized for any achievement unless it is something that gets the top brass a lot of positive publicity.

    8. I think a thank you is a VERY reasonable expectation and I’d be seriously annoyed if I didn’t get one in your place. Bad management…

    9. If you’re one level down from the CEO, then it’s on you to hype your team to him. Send him an email touting the success of the event, and call out any individuals who played key roles or did something new. Hopefully it turns into a thank you from him, but even if it doesn’t, you did the right thing by making sure that the people who work for you are visible to leadership.

      And I’m sure you’ve already done this, but you need to be very vocal and visible with your accolades to your team.

      1. I agree with this. The dynamics are different than usual because you report to the CEO. That said, it would be healthy and good for the CEO to recognize you and your team, and I agree that it feels lousy when the CEO doesn’t have the awareness and competency to do so, but as an executive leader you can’t expect recognition in the same way that you would if you reported to someone other than the CEO.

        That doesn’t mean you have to like it, and I agree that you could consider looking around for a place where you would feel more recognized for your contributions.

        If there are executive team meetings with the CEO and your peers, get on the agenda and tout your team’s success!

    10. there’s a big flex in being the one who gets to send the all-staff email thanking everyone who participated in this cross-org event – you should talk to your boss about doing it which allows you to showcase your own leadership, and then it gives the CEO a chance to reply-all and add their thanks.

      This is what I coach my senior staff to do at our nonprofit. It’s a win-win.

      (and yes, it sucks that they haven’t, but i really try to remember that nonprofit CEOs usually have one billion things happening and will appreciate the chance to do a simple reply-all and they will remember you fondly for doing it that way).

      1. I totally agree. The power comes in being the person who says “Thanks,” not in the person being thanked. The more important you are, the fewer the thank you’s.

    11. Funny, my former boss who had us all working extremely long hours, never thanked us, and only criticized us (not to mention throwing us under the bus with senior management) just tried to friend me on LinkedIn. I think not.

    12. Not to worry. People in high places, like your CEO, will generally not lower themself to thanking the peons like us who do all their work for them, even tho they make so much more then we do. What you need to do is remember that when you get to the top and avoid being an a-hole once you are CEO. That works even for the not-for-profit folks, as their top people make a lot of money–my Dad says not to kid yourself into thinking that they are so altruistic. They take care of themself first.

  2. Help me shop for boots please! I really want some lace up neutral/ tan boots, and would like boots with rubber soles. This rules out the Frye Carson lace up. I like Thursday Captain boots (rubber soles) – anyone have these/ can you speak to the sizing? Or other options? Thank you!

    1. Can’t comment on the Thursday boots but I have the original Kodiak waterproof boots (lace up with rubber sole) which I like. I find them to be well made and fairly comfortable (for days I have to stand 4-5 hours they’re great, they’re not as great on days I have to stand 10+ hours – those are my Blundstone days).

      I love my pair of Red Wing boots. Mine aren’t a lace up style but my friend has the Clara style and loves hers. They have a few other lace up options too.

    2. I love my Ecco ankle boots. The ones I have are a few years old, but they have a couple lace up styles.

    3. I also have a pair of lace up Kodak boots with a rubber sole and they are in regular rotation from now through winter.

      The only complaint I have is that the laces rival a CVS receipt in length, but that is easy to remedy.

    4. I love my Thursday boots and find them true to size, maybe slightly narrow. I have a Chelsea pair and a lace up pair, and the fit is the same for both.

    5. I just got a pair of the Blondo Dixie boot in the light tan from Nordstrom. Waterproof and rubber sole. They zip instead of lace, but I bet Blondo has a similar lace up style. Maybe the Parker combat boot?

  3. I have been debating buying a pair of cashmere joggers but it seems like they really wouldn’t hold up. Does anyone have any and would you recommend purchasing? Do they wear out very fast?

    1. I bought a pair from MM LaFleur during the pandemic and ended up buying them on sale in every color. They hold up and are super versatile.

        1. FYI, I was told by my dry cleaner, when I brought in some wool and cashmere sweaters to be cleaned, that wool and cashmere are better washed at home with wool wash and laid flat to dry vs. being dry-cleaned. She told me to get either The Laundress wool wash or KnitIQ delicates wash. Dry cleaning dries out the fibers, and they’re more likely to pill or get holes. I’ve been washing my sweaters at home ever since and she was right: they are holding up well, and I get less pilling on the cashmere, especially.

          1. Any advice on drying flat? Where do you lay them out? I have a drying rack but if I laid something flat on it, I would have to dry (and wash) one thing at a time..

          2. I have a dining room table and I just put towels down and put the sweaters on top of that. It helps if you only wash two or three sweaters at a time, and don’t wait until every sweater you own has to go into the wash, and then you’re scrambling to find places to put sweaters to dry. Ask me how I know.

          3. I do dry a lot of “lay flat to dry” stuff on my drying rack. Sometimes laid across the top. Sometimes in half over a wire. But for hand wash pants, I just hang them from a skirt hanger (the kind with clips) and let them dry that way. I’d do the same for cashmere joggers if I had any.

          4. I lay mine diagonally on those stand-up drying racks instead of over the flat part on the top. You want to make sure it dries in the right shape but it’s fine if it’s not perfectly flat. You mostly want to avoid things like hangers that will create little divots.

          5. I have sweater drying racks. They’re basically mesh on a flexible frame–i just put them on top of my regular drying rack.

      1. No I wash them in lingerie bags on the gentle cycle and then lay flat to dry. I’ve had them for 2 years now and they’re doing great.

    2. I bought a pair from Naadam and they pill like crazy. Very comfy and cozy though. I only wear at home at this point though because of the pilling, it’s not really presentable.

      1. +1 for Naadam pilling like crazy. I ended up returning since they were crazy pilled after 2 weeks.

    3. psa: The cashmere joggers from MM Lafluer are on final sale – sounds like they are retiring them.

    4. If the inner thighs of your jeans wear out first, that will also be the first place to go on cashmere joggers. However…they are 110% worth it, even though they don’t last forever.

    5. I have the J Crew ones and cannot recommend enough. Like another poster above, I bought a trial pair and went back for two more pairs in different colors. I also wash at home and air dry. They are over a year old and show less wear than similarly aged jeans.

  4. Has anyone been to the Vatican museums, St. Peter’s etc with kids? And / or did you do a tour? Trying to figure out if it’s worth it for my 8 and 10 year old. Thanks!

    1. I was at the Vatican museum a few weeks ago and honestly I wish I hadn’t gone. It was so so crowded it was like trying to see art in Times Square, and I’m a committed art lover. St Peter’s was pretty cool — I think kids that age would find lots to enjoy there.

    2. I didn’t have kids when I went to the Vatican, but I have kids now. I would take an 8 and 10 year old there. I think they’re old enough to get it. Do one of the skip-the-line tours or otherwise condensed tours – your kids won’t want to be there all day.
      Counterpoint to the above, I am not Catholic (or even Christian) but I am so glad I went. I truly didn’t think I would care that much but it was awe-inspiring to see the Sistine chapel in person. It’s a cliche, but photos really don’t do it justice. Caveat that we went in early May and I understand that Rome (like everywhere in Europe) gets more crowded in July/August. The Vatican was very crowded when we were there though. I think they sell out pretty much every day.

      1. +1 to all of this (except I am Christian). I definitely recommend scheduling one of the early start, skip the line private tours. You get in before it really gets super crowded, and you’re out in a few hours.

      2. +2 With the caveat that this was pre-pandemic, I did the early admission tour, went straight to the Sistine Chapel before the crowds and then backtracked to hit the “top 10” before it got crowded (which was mid-morning). There is no way to see the whole place in one day even without children and they will certainly not have the patience for it. On tip is that there is a whole section devoted to less famous statuary and Vatican conservationists are often working on pieces where you can watch. We hit that up once the more famous galleries got crowded and my daughter found it fascinating.

        I did not want to do an organized tour (I was an art history major in college). Instead, we bought the early admission/breakfast option straight from the Vatican Museum (much less expensive than through a third party), stayed for around 4 hours, walked down to Bonci and had (the best!) pizza and then took a cab back up the hill and around the walls to St. Peters.

        My daughter liked the museum more than she thought she would (this was “my” day; she had her own) and the question “OK but why is God thicc?” (looking at the Sistine Chapel ceiling) will live forever in my memory.

        Finally, this is my pitch for Ostia Antica and/or the Appian Way is you are traveling to Rome with children. The former especially is good for younger children and riding the train to get there is part of the experience.

    3. I went on a private tour with my university (art history trip) and it was night and day to going as part of the ‘public’ tour as an adult. If you need to pick and chose, I would do St. Peter’s early but as part of the public tour and do the vatican museums/sistine chapel as a private tour.
      If you aren’t religious (or even if you are) I’d spend some time ahead of your visit discussing the scenes and art with your children and teaching them how to view it. The analogy I would use is that certain scenes/colors/symbols/poses were as easily recognizable to audiences then as emojis are to people today. Quite a lot of people were not literate and religious art was intended to convey messages to contemporary audiences as a means of propoganda (hence the rich and powerful often being painted into the background scenes of famous frescoes). Understanding and being able to ‘spot’ the references (and then discussing how they tied into the history of that time period) has been much more interesting for my 10 yr old vs. ‘ugh, another set of paintings, are we done yet?!?’.

    4. No kids so please take this with a grain of salt but we did a Vatican tour a few years ago with a guide. Guides can get early access, so it’s much less crowded (but you have to arrive at like 7am). I’m sure you could find a guide who could make it fun for kids, and as long as your kids don’t mind an early morning I would highly recommend the early admission.

    5. I went with kids around this age and it was crowded in late May, but our tour guide said that what we were experiencing was not as crowded as it gets in the summertime, so I highly recommend that you go during a time other than the summer and maybe skip it if you’re planning to go in July/August. My kids and I enjoyed it very much – we paid an arm and a leg for a tour guide from a company called Context, which has excellent guides. I highly recommend taking a bike tour on Appian Way to see the Aqueducts – the tour company gave us electric bikes which made it easy to do the 17 mile trip and the bike tour was the highlight of our trip to Rome. Have fun!

  5. Has anyone tried the Lido Straight Wool Pant from BR? How are they? Worth the money? Too warm?

    I am looking for more work pants.

    1. I just got them to wear to an event. They seem good! No such thing as too warm in my book (YMMV, I am always cold) They are quite long – I am 5’8″ and the length is heel length on me.

    2. They are definitely not too warm. If anything, I wish they were lined so they’d be warmer. They are long — I’m also 5’8″ and the length they come is heel-length for me. I need to get them hemmed. They’re very wide the whole length of the leg. Coming from much skinnier pants, that’s going to take some getting used to for me. I expected them to be slightly more fitted around the thigh.

  6. We are in the process of having our bathroom cabinets painted. The current cabinet is a dark wood, and we plan to repaint it white. Would you also paint the interior of the cabinet? It is dark wood throughout, so I think it might look a bit strange to only do the outside of the cabinet.

    1. We have a vanity that was painted white and the insides left dark. I hate it – definitely paint the inside. I’m going to repaint soon – it also makes it much easier to find stuff with a lighter interior.

    2. Personally wouldn’t paint because paint doesn’t hold up as well as other wood finishes like poly. If I did paint it would be enamel and I would give it a full 30 days to properly cure before putting things inside it.

      1. I’ve painted cabinets and +1 to getting specific cabinet paint and letting it cure.

      2. I would (and have) paint it a fun color because I feel like the bare wood inside would bother me, but the white inside would get scuffed up and dirty.

        1. I would paint it too. Another color is a fun idea. But whatever you choose, use Kilz paint or primer, because the inside of a medicine cabinet in a room that gets humid/damp is the perfect recipe for mold and mildew.

    3. Paint it. A nice coat of white paint will make the inside of the cabinet feel so much brighter.

    4. If you don’t want to paint, you can always do shelf paper or interior lighting – that will give you more brightness and some fun color without dealing with paint.

  7. Happy Halloween! I’m feeling festive today. I made treats for the team (it’s a holiday, so why not) and painted my nails dark charcoal with purple sparkles. DNGAF about professional nails today!

    1. Oh this reminds me of my favorite nail polish for this time of year: very dark blue with some shimmer. I’m holed up with Covid though, so it doesn’t matter what my nails look like!

      Pre Covid though I was rocking a burnt orange nail

    2. No fancy nails here, but I’m wearing my 20-plus-year-old dangly jack o’lantern earrings along with an orange fit-and-flare dress with my black RGB “dissent collar” necklace, black belt, black pumps, black ponte moto jacket. I feel very Halloween-y.

  8. My partner and I don’t have a TV–we’ve always just watched everything on our laptop. Now we are realizing that if we want to have a viewing party, a laptop isn’t going to cut it, but we still don’t want to buy a TV. We’d like to buy a projector instead, as we have a wall with about 5 feet of blank space we could project on to. Recommendations for a projector set up? Do they just plug into your laptop? I have no idea what Apple TV is, or Roku or whatever . . . do we need something like that? We subscribe to Netflix, Prime, and Disney, but would also like to be able to play random YouTube or Vimeo videos if needed.

    1. get a projector, a projector screen (it will be much sharper than just on a wall), and a Roku/Apple TV/some kind of streaming stick. We have a cheap Vankyo projector that works well. After trying several streaming sticks, I think the Roku is the easiest and best; you can get the inexpensive one (around $48 I think?)

    2. A projector isn’t great really. It needs to be fully dark, you need a separate sound set up etc. either buy a tv or don’t host viewing parties. Also watching on a laptop screen is trash for your eyes.

      1. Concur. We have borrowed a projector to do outdoor movie nights, and it honestly kind of sucks as a viewing experience.

        1. Piling onto this. Projector is fun for outdoor movie night, as the draw is really the “outdoor” experience, not the movie. It would expect anyone hosting a “viewing party” to have at least as good a TV as I have at home. Especially if it’s for something important and live (World Series, etc.) where you really want the best possible picture.

          1. I posted the recommendation below and co-sign this completely. It’s absolutely no replacement for a TV and is all about the experience outside. It’s still warm where I live, so I missed the likely indoor aspect of your question.

      2. Agree. Good point about the sound setup too. There are a lot of good options for smart TVs that have all the apps you need. You can also cast from your phone/laptop to the TV.

      3. +1

        We have a projector and a TV and I really hate the projector. The only time it’s cool is for a gimmicky outdoor screening (and that’s really just cool because it’s fun to watch something outside). No one wants to come to a viewing party on a projector.

        Even if you don’t want a TV for aesthetic reasons, I’d get a TV and only set it up when you have people over? Good TVs are cheap now, so it’d be no more expensive than the projector and all of the projector accessories.

        I also personally don’t understand the preference to watch on a laptop/iPad over a TV. I don’t watch much TV (maybe 2 hours a week?) but having a nice TV set up is 100% worth it for me. A good friend of mine doesn’t have a TV, but she definitely watches more TV than I do. I think it’s because her husband is a hipster and thinks he’s too good to have a TV in the house but yet they watch TV every night? I truly don’t get it.

        1. I always have to laugh at people who loftily say they don’t have TV (not implying that the OP feels this way) but then they watch every single show I do, and more, except on their laptop. That still counts as watching TV!!

        2. One reason not to have a tv – limited wall space (or limited space in general). While that might not be your friend’s situation, I would always choose room for art or books on the wall.

        3. When I say ‘I don’t own a TV’, it’s more meant to say, I don’t own a single purpose device that can do only do television entertainment. I watch streaming on my laptop, but it’s also my work, life admin, video call and video game device while being portable around my house. But I get how it is also used the other way!

          1. I personally find watching streaming on my laptop uncomfortable and I also frequently use my computer while watching TV.

            I don’t watch much TV, nor do I have an amazing set up but OMG do I LOVE sitting down to watch TV. It feels low key luxurious to me?

          2. I used to like watching TV on an actual TV, until I got a super fancy Frame TV that has the worst soap opera effect I’ve ever seen and will not let you change the settings to get rid of it. Now I only watch on my iPad.

    3. We use this one with a Roku (I’m sure a firestick would work too) and it works easily. We use it outside in the summer for movies on the lawn. Other accessories are a big screen, which was about $100 and a stand of you don’t have a table or something to put the projector on at the right height.
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B082F13J55

    4. My friend has a projector, and the viewing quality inside isn’t great. It’s grainy and the colors look washed out. I would reconsider a tv, especially with Black Friday/Cyber Monday sales coming up.

    5. To me, this is a bad idea for inside viewing parties. It needs to be super dark and no one can walk in front of the projector. Whenever we have people over to watch sometimes, it’s usually a sports game, and people are also walking/talking/mingling. Plus general resolution isn’t really great with a projector even when super dark and especially if on a wall rather than a screen. If you want viewing parties indoors, get a tv. Maybe sometime like a Frame so that it looks sort of like art when not using it. I love mine! Our neighbors have a projector and only use it for outside kids movie nights. It’s nice for that purpose but kids are more into the experience of being outside. It’s not great as a viewing experience.

    6. I have a projector I bought off Amazon and I love it. We bought a Roku usb thing with it and just use a couple apps like Netflix and HBO. Is it as crisp as a high definition TV? Of course not. But projecting it onto the wall works fine, and it doesn’t have to be totally dark for a good picture – we can watch during the day or at night with a smaller lamp on in the room. One worry I had was possibly having to mount it onto a wall to get it to project straight onto a wall, but we were able to adjust the angle of the projection and it works fine sitting on a shelf in the corner of the room.

      $200 for the projector/stick and an hour to set it up/get the settings right and I’m very pleased. If I were to make an upgrade at this point I would get a speaker to go with it instead of just using the audio from the projector itself.

    7. We have a TV, but not in the living room. It’s in a bedroom. We just decided we are not the household for a viewing party or Super Bowl party or Oscars party. There are plenty of other ways to entertain. If you really don’t want a TV I think that’s what you’re choosing, which is fine.

    8. I think your living room also has the “right” place to stick the projector. Ours was mounted on the ceiling, which requires effort. If you want to casually stick it on your coffee table from time to time, it’s a pain to get it right.

      I ended up with a Samsung frame tv for a no-tv look instead.

    9. I’d be super annoyed if I went to a viewing party for something I thought of as important (favorite show, event, etc) and it was a projector. If you go this route, make sure you tell your guests so they know what to expect.

      1. Agree. I’ve had a projector and a TV and projectors are way more trouble and not nearly as good quality. Plus last time I checked (which was admittedly a long time ago), projector bulbs were almost expensive as TVs.

      2. Or don’t host viewing parties! If I go to a viewing party, I’m going to expect a better AV setup than what I have at home.

        1. I don’t think it has to be “better” than my set up, but I’d expect an actual TV

    10. Roku TVs are super light with the streaming device integrated. We move them around our house (mostly to the patio) and put away in a closet when they’re not.

      With the holidays around the corner, you can probably get a good deal.

    11. There are TVs that can double as a second monitor for your laptop. Keep it at your desk, enjoy having a second monitor, and break it out for viewing parties.

      1. +1 this is a great suggestion!

        I have a living room TV and then use a fire stick plugged into my second monitor as my bedroom TV. I only WFH 1-2x a week so my monitor gets more use as a TV than it does as a second monitor

      2. I don’t mean to be a wet blanket but any external monitor sized TV is going to be too small for a viewing party.

        1. I guess this must vary by social circle. 36″ seems fine to me, but my context is living downtown mostly in apartments.

          1. I, and all of my friends, live downtown in small city apartments and I have a 36″ TV. We sometimes watch things at my apartment, but literally every other one of my friends has a bigger TV than I do and so we usually watch elsewhere.

            FWIW, my external monitor is 24″. A 36″ monitor would be huge!

  9. For some reason, a firm client consistently gets bad service. It’s typically the front end – she’s fallen through the cracks multiple times with multiple people when she reaches out with a question. She also will follow up weeks after we answer and then those follow ups are seemingly missed, too. I wouldn’t blame her if she’s frustrated or wanted to find new counsel; but I’m not sure how it’s happening. For my personal experience, she has reached out to me when I had Covid, the first day I left for a week long vacation, and when I was in a jury trial – all of those times meant I had taken several days to unearth my inbox and get back to her.

    Is there a way I can/should address this with her, acknowledge it and then —of course—fix it? We’re a fairly small firm but outside of having a paralegal search our inboxes for her emails any time we’re out(and prioritize those), I’m just not sure how to fix it.

    1. I don’t understand why this is hard? Return your clients emails. She’s getting bad service because y’all are apparently bad at your jobs and she’s going to fire you.

      1. This sounds pretty harsh but very accurate and to the point. This needs to be addressed with whoever is not getting back to her.

        1. Agreed – while I might have sympathy with the bad timing related to the person being sick or missing an email once, i would want a stated way to reach them (e.g., put your assistant/associate’s contact info in an out of office message) and would not want it to happen again. Since it’s already happened a few times, she may already be moving on, just hasn’t actually moved existing matters.
          Source: In-house who remembers which outside attorneys are responsive and which aren’t and assigns work accordingly.

      2. I wish I found it this easy! I would love tips on how to better handle email deluge when coming back. I share an assistant with 5 other lawyers, we have two paralegals we share through the entire firm. When I’m out, I can’t expect them to load my entire inbox each absence and work through what is typically 150-300 emails/day. When I was coming back from Covid, I had to work part time as I had no energy – we didn’t miss any fires, but her emails tend to be “Can you tell me about Topic X?” And they get buried or deprioritized under more specific, urgent questions. I am not trying to make excuses- I genuinely want to improve service for her. She hasn’t complained, but I realized this week as I’m preparing to be gone again, she reached out today and I don’t want it to fall through the cracks. I’m also not sure exactly why it happens with other attorneys but All I can fix is my own responses. Also, to the comment below I forgot to say OP, but yes I do have pretty detailed out of office messages.

        1. If you can’t handle your workload on that frequent of a basis, you need to work longer hours or hire someone else.

        2. With respect, you have missed fires – you’re delivering apparently really bad customer service to her.

        3. If she beached out today and you are going to be gone soon, shy not answer her today? You seemingly have time to post on here about the issue, why not use that time to deal with it?

        4. I think you also need to think about tacking on a fake PTO day at the end of your vacation to triage emails. But also, I know this sucks, sometimes it’s easier just to designate 30 minutes every other day on vacation to take a quick spin through your inbox. You don’t have to answer all your emails, but you can at least flag and direct the important ones. Like for this client.

        5. if your issue is indecision (“how TF am I supposed to respond to this?”) leads to inaction and the email gets buried, the only thing you can change is your own reaction. Rather than ignoring it for later, respond and say you’d like more context for the question, and would she like to speak?

          1. Not a lawyer but this is exactly how I handle inquiries that I need to research or that would take me a long time to write a response to. I reply with something like “great question, that can get a little complicated and I could probably use some more background information to appropriately answer the question. Can you send me a time when you’re available, so we can speak about this?” Usually they will set the meeting for a couple of days from when I am responding, which buys me some time, and honestly, sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to talk through something on the phone vs. spending an hour or more crafting a carefully-worded email where I don’t say too much, or the wrong thing.

            In my experience, sometimes clients emailing with frequent questions need a little bit of a high-touch approach. They just want to know you’re there if you need them. So, reaching back to have them schedule a meeting offers that higher-touch approach and kind of kills multiple birds with one stone.

        6. Answer her emails. You’ve not made this a priority and now you’re facing consequences. There is no other solution. You’re not providing good customer service. If you want to salvage the relationship, then you prioritize the client. It’s not magic. It’s just doing the thing.

    2. Is there a colleague or associate in your office who your client can copy on emails, so that they can at least acknowledge/respond if you’re not available?

    3. Can you set up a group address for her to reach out to that hits all the people who handle her case? At least then everyone has a chance to see her communications, although you would have to manage the idea internally that someone else will respond so it doesn’t end up ignored by all.

      1. Yes. Each time, explaining that I was out without access or limited access, and stating the day I’d be back. I also use a scheduling portal so clients can simply schedule time, but she doesn’t use it (which is fine) but that means the email landslide from being gone can result in slower turnaround.

        1. You need to designate someone for clients to reach out to while your out. You can’t just say “I am out and won’t take care of your matter until you return.” Sometimes things need to be done while you are out, or at least started!

          This can be done in different ways. Most common practice is to say “I’m out, please contact X if you need assistance before I return.” When I was at a law firm, X was my secretary. My secretary had a list of my matters and who to direct people to if I was out. In house, X is a team email address (e.g., “legalteam@”) and emails go to the other folks on my team who can jump in and triage requests as appropriate, or reply and let them person know of expected timing.

          Also, you can be more proactive. For clients I worked with regularly, when I was going to be out of office, I let them know in advance and gave them an alternate contact for emergencies.

        2. Did your out of office name an alternate contact person for urgent matters? That seems to be the miss.

    4. Create an inbox rule that automatically forwards her emails to your assistant, and have your assistant reach out to you.

      When you are at jury trial on one matter, your assistant should be aware of who else has knowledge about the other cases. Your assistant can connect clients to the other attorney on the matter.

      For vacation, set aside time to deal with your email. I like to do it early in the mornings before anyone else stirs.

    5. Make sure you have an OOO set up that directs clients to an individual that can help triage time-sensitive stuff (this can easily be a paralegal or a secretary). Especially in a small firm where you may be the client’s only contact, you can’t afford for her to feel like her messages are disappearing into a black hole. I would also suggest that you set a reminder for yourself to search for messages from her on your first day back from vacation and make sure they’ve been answered.

      But candidly, with the pattern you’re describing, you very well may lose her; that only has to happen a few times before clients move on unless they have a reason not to (like you do something very specialized).

    6. If someone receives an out of office message and doesn’t follow up with whomever the OOO identifies, then that’s kind of on them. I would guess that the issue wasn’t urgent. If your client somehow is oblivious to this very obvious email etiquette rule then I guess talk to her about it. But if a client expects me to be available at the drop of a hat when my OOO clearly says I’m not, I would probably refer them to someone else who has that capacity (and likely charges 3x what I do).

    7. Are you using Outlook? You can use Outlook’s Rules function to identify incoming emails from her and flag them as important, put them in their own folder, forward them, or a combination of those things.

    8. The originating partner needs to actually manage the client. If the client is always peppering a bunch of different people with small questions then it’s not shocking that she’s slipping through the cracks. When you’re doing like 2 hours of work per quarter for the client it’s tough to prioritize them over clients who have urgent things and are paying you a lot more. I’m not making excuses or saying it’s a good way to practice but here in the real world, rainmakers have to deal with the fact that people are imperfect and won’t prioritize your clients like you would. The originating partner should schedule regular (monthly?) meetings to go over what the client needs and follow up with the attorneys who are working on it. That person should be in charge of ensuring the client’s needs are met. If that’s not you, OP, then maybe you can talk with that partner and offer to help take over managing the relationship if they’re open to sharing OG credit. That wouldn’t fly at every firm so ymmv.

    9. I suspect she is receiving poor service firm-wide because your firm does not have sufficient capacity to service its clients, so all attorneys are triaging email and only giving timely responses to high-priority emails. I think you need to consider why her emails aren’t considered high priority. Is it only because her emails ask non-urgent questions? If so, the band-aid solution is for all attorneys who receive her messages to create Outlook rules flagging the messages and then treating the messages with the same priority they give to urgent messages. (Because this is urgent if you want to keep this client. Given the service she’s receiving, she should be looking for new counsel or already have it.) The long-term solution is to increase your firm’s output, either by hiring more employees, working longer hours, or being more efficient. I know that sounds obvious, but your reference to paralegals searching inboxes rather than simply creating Outlook rules makes me think your firm is not making full use of the tech efficiencies available. Or are her emails low priority because her work is not as profitable as the other work your firm has and attorneys can fill their plates with that other work? If that’s the problem, it may not make sense to implement changes to keep her business.

    10. It’s literally not OK not to respond to emails. You don’t have to respond with the answer–you need to respond to say, “Thanks for your email! I’ll get this to the right team member and be back to you on Weds as I am in trial.”

      And if you’re at a firm, sorry, I know this is an unpopular answer, but…you need to sweep your inbox at least daily whether you on holiday, ill or in trial. It’s not OK in a client service industry to leave a client hanging. They don’t always want the answer–they want acknowledgement that things are received and in motion.

      You’re letting your paralysis that you can’t answer the request fully right away get in the way of acknowledging.

      1. Can you calendar a weekly/biweekly status report email to send to the client? I’ve done this before with a form email where one person is responsible for drafting an email (then updating it each time new info is in there) so they can see historical info and get an update on a timely basis.

  10. I’m one year out of undergrad – do you think it’s worth it to go back at least part time for an MBA? I’m in finance. I like my job but it seems that in order to advance, an MBA degree is necessary. It’s maybe silly, but the thing giving me pause is that I’m currently 23 with plans of marriage in a couple of years. If I’m going to be a SAHM for a few years, I don’t want to pursue an MBA and incur debt. But I’m worried once the kids are older, I will no longer be competitive in the workforce, and I should save whatever career-on-ramp there is from completing an MBA for that time period. I know this is getting way ahead of myself but as a Type A, I feel like I need a rough plan! Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking about this. If you were me, would you go back to school now or in the next year, or wait?

    1. Definitely don’t decide not to do something because you plan to be a SAHM in a few years. Plans change. If you want the degree now then do it. the SAHM path will still be open to you.

    2. Please don’t put your career on hold just because you may or may not be a SAHM at some point in the future. That’s just stupid.

      1. And so is being a SAHM, don’t kill your career when you’re getting married at the age when most marriages fail and you’ll need to actually support yourself. Why set yourself up for dependence and failure?

        1. Woah there. This is pretty salty.

          I got married at 25 and DH was 26. At that point I had an undergrad degree and a masters that I was almost done with and had been working toward part time. DH went to business school when he was 28 and graduated at 30. I got pregnant while DH was in B school and worked full time. Baby was born the week before DH started his post MBA job when I was 29 and he was 30.

          I took a 6 month maternity leave, came back and got promoted. I was pregnant with my second and DH got two big back to back promotions. I quit my job to stay at home and also spin up a consulting practice (eg I took a year to do what would have taken a person without children to care for about 3 months). Moved into a part time consulting role and have been here ever since now with another kid- so three total.

          I’m posting this to share that not all women that “stay home” actually fall out of the workforce. Don’t score the OP. I also have lots of friends who have transitioned back from SAH (or mostly SAH) to great family friendly careers. Almost none of them went back to an 80 hour/week corporate slog type job but they do have careers.

      2. yeah, I know Lean In has some bad takes but she got this one right – don’t lean out of your career before you’ve even started, OP! jeez louise.

    3. I think that, one year out from undergrad, an MBA won’t be that helpful: Most students have at least 3 years of experience. I also think that the journey to becoming a mom can be unexpectedly convoluted and might not happen on your anticipated timeline. I would wait.

    4. Is there a way to get an MBA with less debt? Are there employers in your field that are willing to cover the costs?

      Also, specify which finance field that you are in so people can offer their input about whether/when you need an MBA.

      For kids, continue your career path as is until you have been parenting an actual baby for several months. Only then will you actually know if you want to be a SAHM or if your relationship is strong enough to make that choice.

      1. Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM. One of the reasons why I got into FIRE (financially independent retiring early) was to be in the financial position to become a SAHM if I wanted to. I am a mother of two, still working full time. But it is a very real possibility that when my youngest is in school full time, I will SAHM with time to pursue fun interests during the day.

      2. +100

        Unless you’re going to a top program, I don’t think the ROI on taking out debt for an MBA is worth it. I’d do full time MBA at a top program with the intention to go into a high paying career post MBA or I’d wait until my job covered part of tuition and go part time.

    5. Girl what is this absurdity. You’re 23. Planning to be a housewife? Like come on you should reread this post and ask if you’re seriously asking this. You’re currently unmarried and not pregnant wtf would you compromise your career over maybe someday being a stay at home mom. Like of all the stupidity I cannot.

      1. I’m a lawyer but so is my husband. He took a big step back career wise, left a big firm and went in house when our son was born. I still work, I’m happy, it’s fine. We make good money combined. Had he stayed and made partner, which was possible but not guaranteed? Our income would have at least quadrupled and I’d be a SAHM now. I would have done a post-nup before quitting my job and I’d probably be wrestling with different issues now. He decided that wasn’t the type of dad he wanted to be and I totally get that. But the upside could have been a million bucks a year.

        For us (not everyone, just us) two jobs, one mediocre and one big were not compatible with parenting , but one big job and a SAH parent was. That big job and one SAHP would have paid more than two mediocre jobs combined, assuming our relationship survived the dynamic and he did indeed successfully make partner. (Big assumptions.)

        The world is rough these days. There’s a lot of professional jobs where you don’t make amazing money but have to work at least 35-40 hours a week and it’s not easy to be a 50/50 parent but you can do it and a few where you make enough to blow other professional salaries out of the water but can’t reasonably be a 50/50 parent. It’s fine to put your eggs in that later basket, if all parties are on board.

        Op if you’re dating or engaged to someone with a million dollar plus job I would think very seriously about becoming a sah parent. Be smart, get a post/pre nup, ect but it might make financial sense.

    6. I would wait, you’ll be a much better MBA candidate with a few years of experience. If you are in a big enough firm it isn’t uncommon for your MBA to be fully or partially sponsored (funded) once you reach certain levels. In the interim, can you start the process to get your CFP/CFA/series exam certifications?

      1. +1 this. you’ll be a much more competitive candidate with a few years of real world work experience before applying to an MBA program. And this board generally leans towards full time working women, but if you do decide to become a SAHP for a few years, do the financial calculus first before you actually become one.

    7. It’s anecdata, but my wife did her MBA five years out from undergrad, in regionally well-regarded part-time program. Most of her cohort had been working for 3-10 years.
      If your employer doesn’t offer tuition assistance, how about creating a “grad school fund” and throwing as much money in it as you can? That would reduce the debt and if you end up partnered and parenting sooner than you think, you’ll have that cash as a cushion or to save for the future.

    8. I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself. What if you don’t get married? What if it takes a long time to have kids? What if you hate being a SAHM? You can always pivot to work in the home, but it’s difficult to pivot back into the workforce if you’ve stepped out before you’ve barely even stepped into it.

      If you feel like you want to advance in the workforce now and you need an MBA to do so, get an MBA. If you don’t want to advance until after your SAHM years, then don’t even waste your brain space, plan your career forward from where you are then. If you think your future spouse won’t be supportive enough with home and child care to enable you to get an MBA should you want it, reconsider your marriage.

    9. I wouldn’t put all of your eggs in the marriage and SAHM baskets. A lot of things could happen. What if you don’t get married in a few years? What if you have infertility issues? What if you can’t afford to be a SAHM?

    10. I would suggest working for a few years then if you are still playing to stay at home, look at a part time MBA program. It won’t be a piece of cake, but having done part time grad school while working and also working very full time while pregnant and with multiple kids, it won’t get easier. My husband did a part time MBA at a very strong regional school while working full time when we had a baby. Obviously it wasn’t him having the baby but still.

      But generally speaking you want at least 3 years of experience (ideally more) before you start the program.

    11. I would actually go back to school part time now because once you have kids you may not have time. That being said, I wouldn’t incur debt unless you will be able to work long enough to pay off the debt before being a SAHM. I would hate to have debt and not use the degree that incurred the debt.

      1. I have a cousin with a PhD (so at least she has no debt!) who has never worked. She went straight from undergrad to the PhD to being a SAHM (got pregnant while finishing her dissertation) and it boggles my mind. I can’t comprehend putting in the work for a PhD only to never use it. She graduated 15 years ago and the only job she’s had in those 15 years is as a part time assistant high school soccer coach (she played soccer in college). So, don’t be my cousin.

        1. I have two friends who did the same thing (interestingly enough, both have a PhD in psychology – nothing against psychology though!).

        2. Ok fine you want to go to grad school and have the credentials, but how do they not have debt? What about all that time spent working towards the degree that could have been used for something else! I’d be so frustrated!

          1. Usually PhDs are funded so students do not pay tuition and receive a small stipend while they’re in school. But yes, the opportunity cost of the 6 years my cousin spent on her PhD is weird to me. And then to put in a lot of effort to get a PhD and then become a SAHM is also weird (her kids are in middle school and high school now, she still just coaches which is 10 hours a week for 3 months and that’s it). Her husband also has a PhD so for 6 years they were both grad students making a pittance and it paid off for him but not for her.

            When I was going back for my MS (we study similar things) I asked her about it and she was like oh most of the time I even forget I have a PhD!

            Also, her undergrad and her PhD are both from Ivy League schools. As much as I would LOVE a life where I don’t have to work 40 hrs a week, I also can’t help but feel like she’s “wasted” her potential and education.

          2. It’s so weird that you view education as “wasted”. isn’t learning for its own sake worthwhile, even if it doesn’t lead to financial riches or groundbreaking research?

          3. I only spent 3 years in law school but graduated right after the 2008 recession with few job prospects. I kick myself everyday wishing my retirement account was in a better place and I didn’t waste those three years not earning an income. I’m now in a field where a law degree is nice to have but not a requirement. Opportunity cost is real!

          4. PhDs are funded. Doing a PhD + never working actually makes a lot more financial sense than doing a JD or MD and working for <10 years. (Unless of course you have family paying for the JD or MD.)

            To the person who said "I can’t comprehend putting in the work for a PhD only to never use it." Some people really enjoy school. Grad school for me was much more enjoyable than having a job, and if someone would pay me to spend my whole life in school I would jump at it! Also it's not beyond the realm of possibility they'll use the degree when their kids are grown. If you finishing having kids by 30, you're not even 50 when they leave home and easily have 15-20 working years ahead of you.

          5. I mean I’m someone who reads totally random Wikipedia pages for fun just to learn something so I do think that there’s value in learning just for the sake of learning something. But to give up 6 years of your life to obtain a degree and then not use it does feel like a waste to me.

            Especially since PhD students originate their own research, I guess I’d expect the scholar to then go work in the field and continue contributing?

            There’s so many ways you can learn and gain knowledge without a degree, so if that’s the goal (rather than working in the field) why not audit classes on your own and then have a job? 6 years of making like 12k a year in your 20s to get a degree that you won’t even use doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Especially since her husband was also getting his PhD – wouldn’t it have benefitted their family more for her to have an income?

            Also, PhD slots (especially funded slots) are limited and competitive. I guess it also feels like she “took” a slot from someone who may have actually used their degree?

          6. Given the job market for phds,this might be completely logical. Unless both people are real superstars, it’s almost impossible to find jobs for two phds in the same place. It sucks, but it’s actually pretty reasonable to focus on one person’s career over the other, especially if you want a family. The alternative is often completely changing careers or adjuncting for less than minimum wage, neither of which seem like real pay offs for the work of getting a phd either.

          7. oh, FWIW her husband’s PhD is in a hard science and he has always worked in industry, not in academia. They live in a city of over 1 million, so the job market is good. She’s never worked, but she had previously discussed maybe teaching high school (there were at least 12 teachers at our high school with PhDs who preferred teaching at the high school level). So, the job market isn’t as tough as it would be if they were in academia.

        3. I live in Berkeley. You can’t throw a stick without hitting an underemployed PhD here.

        4. It can be incredibly hard to get a teaching, let alone a tenure track, job as a new PhD. Are you sure she didn’t try? And since her husband is also a PhD, getting two academic jobs at the same time is even harder. I get your frustration, but it’s also very possible that there were other factors in play.

          I know a couple who divorced because they each got unicorn tenure track positions perfect for their specialties… in different countries. They did long distance for 2 years but with no clear plan on living in the same place unless one of them gave up their career, they split up.

          1. Yes, we’ve discussed it and she didn’t even try. The plan was pretty much always for her to be a SAHM. I posted above, but her husband works in industry and she never had a desire to be in academia either (if she taught she wanted to teach high school).

    12. I am not in finance and my grad degree is not an MBA, but I went back to school (part time, kept my FT job) when I was 28 for my masters in a social science. My program was pretty evenly split between folks roughly my age, folks in their 50s, and kids straight out of undergrad and wow the differences in the quality of work between us “older” students and the straight out of undergrads was astonishing. I really feel that a few years of work experience is needed before going back to school. In fact, don’t many MBA programs more or less require you to have a few years of work experience?

      How concrete are your plans of marriage in a couple years? IME, the earliest someone in my circle (Northeast, professional but not workaholic, most of my friends have graduate degrees. No one in my circle is married to their career, very work hard/play hard) got married was 28, with most people not getting married until their early 30s and thus not having kids until 32/33 at the absolute earliest. So, with a timeline like this you have plenty of time to work a few more years and get your degree before you have kids.

      Is your company able to pay for some of your degree? I think that most graduate degrees aren’t worth taking on debt for. It’s best to find a job that will cover part of it and cover the rest yourself or ensure the ROI on the degree is such that you’ll immediately have a high paying job and can pay it off within a few years of graduation. There are of course exceptions to this (especially law and med school), but I’d say nearly everyone I know with a masters did it this way.

      As much as I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM with student debt, I also wouldn’t want to try to figure out how to pay for my MBA when I also have young kids. I can’t imagine trying to find money in the budget at that stage of life for an MBA either. So, I would advocate for the MBA before being a SAHM. That being said, I still don’t advocate for an MBA in your early 20s and would recommend paying off debt before becoming a SAHM.

      It sounds like you only plan on being a SAHM for a few years. What are your post SAHM plans?

      Also, FWIW. SO MUCH can change between now and a few years down the road. I wouldn’t be making major life plans around getting married, having kids, being a SAHM at your age. Make your plans around the life you want for yourself now and in the future and then marriage/kids may fall into that or plans may change and they fit into new plans or they end up not fitting into your plans.

    13. The cruelty of these responses is shocking. This is supposed to be a progressive community that supports women’s autonomy, but apparently that’s true only if the choice is spend your life grinding for corporate overlords… good grief, ladies.

      1. I agree with you to an extent. I respect a persons decision to be a stay at home parent… as long as they respect that not all parents have as much free time, etc. my comment above was mostly focused on the debt from an MBA.

      2. I’d say only Anon at 10:35 was outrightly cruel – the rest of us are pointing out that OP’s “planned” path may not actually happen and that incurring debt for an MBA is not the best idea while being a SAHP without her own income. Now if OP comes from a wealthy family and tuition fees or paying for childcare expenses aren’t an issue, then the main concern is that she doesn’t have enough real world work experience yet to be a competitive MBA applicant. That’s reality and she should be aware of it.

      3. I don’t think these responses are meant to be cruel but are rather pointing out that the OP should really rethink a few things. If you want to be a SAHM, that’s fine but don’t go into debt for your MBA and then leave the work force and not use it. If you want an MBA, great but don’t get it when you’re 23 and ideally make sure the ROI is “worth” the cost. You can have it all and be a SAHM with an MBA that you used/paid off, but that means having kids later than what OP was hinting at. There are so many good, valid paths for the OP to take, but what she was proposing didn’t seem logical.

        FWIW, I am 28 and getting my MS (part time while working full time like the OP). My work is covering most of it, so I only have to pay 10k out of pocket which I am fortunate enough to be able to pay from savings and thus I will have no debt. My passion is working in nonprofits, but I took a corporate job for the tuition benefits. Once I graduate, I plan to return to the non profit world. I will graduate when I’m 30 and don’t plan on having kids until I”m mid 30s (which, I’m aware is potentially risky both health wise and struggling to conceive wise). I plan on working for a few years after grad school/before kids to set myself up in my career so I can go part time or something when I have kids; I don’t ever plan on being a full time SAHM, but I would LOVE to work part time after I have kids. I have zero desire to grind for corporate overlords, one thing I like about my career is that I do believe its making the world a better place.

      4. It’s not progressive to give up on a career you’ve barely started because you think it will get in the way of being a housewife. It’s very patriarchal and harmful to women’s wellbeing and quality of life to think that being a housewife is more important than having a career ( and the things that go with that: income you have control over, independence and autonomy, etc). At 23 years old OP would be very wise to make choices to maximize where she is (early career) than where she thinks or hopes she may be later. Life is not black and white most of the time, and having a successful career or even years of successful work experience is typically a benefit, not a hindrance, to your overall life.
        That said, other posters have pointed out that for an MBA having years of experience and getting an employer to pay for some of the cost sounds reasonable and like an achievable goal.

      5. Nobody is being cruel, just realistic. And not every choice a woman makes is the feminist choice just because she’s a woman. “You’re all supposed to be so progressive but clearly you’re not because you don’t like this” is such a weak and disingenuous argument.

      6. I worry that the 23 year old OP has an overly rosy view of the future – the guy will marry her, his career will take off like a rocket, the kids will happen, and she will use an MBA to “on ramp” back in without trouble. Those of us old people know that life works out that way for only a small number of people.

        OP – do not get an MBA before becoming a SAHM. You should use those years to build your career. If/when you want back in to the workforce, you will need to not be totally entry level. Your MBA experience will be better if you have experience under your belt, and yes, a master’s can bring you back into the workplace.

    14. As you recognized, you are getting well ahead of yourself! However, I think the answer is that you are right that you should wait a few years to start an MBA to benefit from it most, and in that time you’ll have more information about whether your current idea of a plan actually makes sense or not. Maybe two years from now you will be wildly excited to do an MBA, or maybe you will be done with finance and plotting a career change. You might be married with a kid on the way or you might have split up with your partner and moved across the country. A lot can change in two years in your twenties. If you are holding on tight to some theoretical plan, you might miss some really great opportunities.

    15. There is a big difference between using tuition benefits to get a part-time or executive MBA for advancement at your current employer and getting a regular MBA that you pay for yourself. The primary value of the latter is job placement, so you want to go to a full-time program with excellent career services that is as highly ranked as possible and go all-in on networking.

      I have a relative who got an MBA from a low-ranked school straight out of undergrad when what she was really looking for was an MRS. She ended up unable to find any work other than admin jobs that didn’t even require a bachelor’s degree, quit for a few years to be a SAHM, and then went back to admin work. That MBA was a terrible investment of time and money.

    16. I cannot believe how unpleasant most of these comments are. You are young, and maybe too young to know that the best laid plans fall apart. If you want an MBA, just do it. Start now, do it affordably, maybe change jobs so you have benefits that include tuition reimbursement, and keep going. As for being a SAHM, wait and see. Perhaps you have a serious boyfriend now…discuss debt with him. Wait and see re: staying at home–it is not that much fun, trust me. Most of my friends had babies in their very late 20s and in their 30s. One step at a time, start on the MBA goal and see how it goes.

      1. I highly disagree with this. Top-tier MBAs are for becoming and being a manager, after you graduate. If you have too little experience to begin with, no degree will compensate for that. Employers will hire the more experienced grads in her class, and not her. I know of what I speak–I went to get my MBA at 25 and I was too young!!!

    17. Don’t leave before you leave. While I believe it makes good sense to plan for your desired personal life in the same way as you plan for your career, everything you’re thinking about seems (at least in this message) to be pretty speculative. You’re not married (or even engaged, from what I can tell), and you don’t know if you will marry this person (I am assuming you have a partner that you’re considering marrying), when you all will marry, how soon you will start trying for kids, how long it will take you to conceive, what your financial situation as a family will be, and whether you’ll actually find you want to be a SAHM even if you have kids on the timeline you expect and are financially able.

      So what I’d tell you is what I’d tell anyone who is considering getting an MBA: setting aside the other pieces, is this a cost-effective choice for you? Have you talked to mentors about whether an MBA is necessary? What would an MBA cost you at the schools you’re likely to be able to get into (have you taken a practice GMAT)? Will the job bump you’d get from it enable you to pay it back in a timely manner?

      MBAs are incredibly expensive and you have foregone income while you’re doing them, so they’re only worth it if there will be significant financial upside. Personally, I would want to be able to pay off the debt in five years of full-time work; others may have a different tolerance for debt, but that’s how I approached law school.

      Also: are you and your partner on the same page about marriage, children, and staying at home? By which I mean: have you had explicit conversations about these things, is there an agreed reason why you’re not getting married (or even engaged?) now, and what are your partner’s career plans and feelings about supporting you and the family?

    18. I’ve been in finance for 25 years and you’re absolutely right to worry about an on-ramp back into a career after being a SAHM. You’ve got the flexibility of a few years before both getting married and having children. If you know absolutely that your current job is what you’d like to do for your career, and you need an MBA to advance, it’s not a bad idea to think about an MBA now. An MBA from a top school will always be a great way to on-ramp again, as you’ll have a built-in network. I do agree with the other posts that you’d get more out of it if you had more work experience. Think of it as building your own knowledge base, skills and network in a field you enjoy, instead of a ticket to punch. And in the future, when you’re a SAHM, stay engaged and current in your career field if possible and keep your network up. It’s hard to balance everything, but you’re organized and on top of it. It’s worth the extra work and juggle during your SAHM years, but it’s hard! Good luck.

    19. I have an mba from a top 10 school. I can’t comment on the kids/sahm part, but can speak to mba programs in general. echoing those that say you need at least 3 years of work experience especially for a top program (and you probably want at least a top 25 program because after that the roi drops off sharply). Partly this is because you’ll learn more with more experience and partly this is because all the big companies that recruit from business schools want you to have at least 3 years of experience (some want 5). All top schools publish statistics about their incoming classes – you can see what average work experience is in these reports and should take this as your guide.

      With regards to funding, look into the Forte Foundation. There are way more scholarships for women to do mba programs than you would think. I don’t think any woman in my cohort was paying sticker price (though ymmv especially if you are planning to go part-time – there are fewer scholarships for part-time programs).

      1. Wow. What? I actually think the OP has it right. She should wait. Lean into the experience she can get now. Have kids young. Get that behind her. Let her husband build up his career so he can support her through B-school. Then go to B-School with experience and maturity and none of the angst around prospects of starting a family. I say this as a 48-y.o. who has seen very good results from this trajectory.

    20. My advice is to go back to get your MBA in a year or so. Use the year to get more experience at your job, look at schools, and analyze financing. Scholarships and employer reimbursement can really help you avoid debt. When you’ve narrowed down to a few schools, see if you meet the pre-requisites. If you have any courses you need to take, that’s a really good way to start.

      You also need to assess if you have your heart set on one of the “best” schools or a good school. In my view, a good school especially a regional one often has a better pay off.

      You may or may not have kids in a few years. You may start grad school, and finish in two years or ten. No one knows, and I’m not sure if it matters. Make grad school a goal, and work at it while you live your life.

    21. IME, getting an MBA with only a year or two of experience is generally a bad idea unless you are going to a Top 10 MBA program. Post-degree recruitment is very hard because you come with all of the salary expectations of a grad degree and none of the real world experience. I know a few people who went into mid-ranked MBA programs right after undergrad or 1-2 years after and they all struggled to find jobs at the end. All the best programs are generally looking for 5-7 years of experience.

  11. Have you ever hit a rocky patch early in a relationship (a few months) and gone on to have a happy relationship?

    The man in question is having several mental breakdowns and needs treatment and help, which he is open to. These breakdowns make him suicidal and threaten to harm his pet. I am struggling with whether or not to stay or go. I know I should go but I want to ensure he gets proper treatment and also selfishly want to be his partner after he is better. I know the violence threats are a huge red flag.

    Should I stay or leave things for now and hope he’ll reach out when better?

    1. There is a fine line to walk here, and if you don’t trust yourself to do it, the answer is go. That line is to help him get treatment *as a friend.* If you can do that, put your own romantic wishes and feelings completely on the back burner, props to you. But I think it would be difficult, and in your shoes I wouldn’t trust myself.

        1. No, true. She should do this if she wants to and not feel the obligation. But even to do it out of wanting to is to play with fire.

    2. I think you should go. Having mental health challenges doesn’t need to be a deal breaker, but the threatening suicide and harming his pet definitely is. That feels manipulative, not just a cry for help.

    3. He needs to focus on his own mental health before he can truly focus on a relationship. Don’t put that burden on both of you. Help him as a friend if you can, but don’t put your life on hold to wait for him to get better because that may never happen.

    4. The violence is a major red flag. Normally I’m a lot more sympathetic to mental health issues than a lot of people here, but once someone is actually threatening violence against another being, I think you need to get out of there and not look back.

    5. No no no no. Get out now. It is not your job to make sure he is emotionally stable. Get out asap! This has too many red flags.

    6. This would be a dealbreaker for me so early in the relationship. Also, is this how you want your entire life to be? My BIL has mental health problems, bipolar I including psychotic features. He has been in various in patient care facilities and often goes off his meds, resulting in scary behavior. She has had to leave the house because she is scared of him. My sister has been with him since college, over 15 years.

      They don’t have children. My sister is afraid to because she already invests so much into taking care of her husband. She has major regrets. Not saying you’d have a similar experience, but it’s a possibility.

    7. i am really deeply worried about the status of women in the US – we get so many of these kinds of questions and like omg. What crisis of confidence has american evangelical christianity and right wing conservatism caused for women that so many of you all think this is the kind of relationship you deserve. my god.

      1. It’s concerning how often these questions come up. This goes beyond the definition of “settling” and moves straight into self-sabotage or self-loathing. To quote SA, people are not a project. I don’t care how fun or loving the guy is, you do not need to sign up to save a man from himself. My God. Ladies, you deserve much, much better. Is this political correctness run amok? Like it’s not OK to say, hey, I am not equipped to have a partner with severe mental health issues? I am not a perfect person and have struggled with my own anxiety/depression issues but I’m still a fully functioning adult at all times.

        1. And honestly, mental illness is quite common, many illnesses don’t manifest until you have invested time and love in a relationship.

          We have a lot of mental illness in my family.

          1. Mental illness is common, but I hope OP knows that “threatening to harm one’s own pet” is not common with mental illness or even mental health crisis.

        2. True. But perhaps if we stopped with the social message that all women should couple up and couple up young, women would be more inclined to ask “what does this guy bring to the table that would add to my life and at what cost / is a relationship with him an improvement to my life” rather than “is he the best available”

      2. Women are told over and over again they’re not allowed to have standards. You’re too picky. He’s such a good guy. No one’s perfect. At the same time, it’s on women to make the relationship work. There’s a reason so many women come here thinking, but if only I invoked the right magic words, everything would be great. The man is who he is and the woman has to build the relationship around him, if she can’t do it because he’s too unstable then that’s her fault not his. The straights aren’t ok, folks.

      3. Many women in different cultures and religions are taught from birth that “any man is better than no man” and we can see that play out in the questions that are asked here.

        I just read “Nothing Personal” by Nancy Jo Sales. It’s a really great book where she dissects dating app/hookup culture while simultaneously explaining how she, herself, got sucked into it and ended up in a “situationship” with a younger man than dragged on for years, where he was basically just using her for gardening (you know which kind I mean). The outwardly expressed independent, feminist views we see in the mass media are seriously undercut by messages in social media that women are nothing unless they are attractive and have a male partner. Also, millennial men are even more misogynistic and anti-feminist than men born in the 1940s, according to research Sales found. Couple that with the fact that fewer men are graduating from college and getting good jobs so they can be economically viable, and you can see the problem. There’s a lot of social pressure for women to couple up, even though the current crop of young, available men consists of a lot of men who are nowhere near ready, able, or capable of being good partners. If you are dating, or have friends/daughters/nieces who are, I highly highly recommend reading the book. It’s one thing to see the problem discussed in the abstract, via research, and quite something else to see someone who is ostensibly smart and accomplished fall into the hookup-culture trap.

        I think this needs to be said, so I’ll say it. Ladies: it’s better to be alone than be with a man who needs a mommy more than he needs a partner. Some of y’all have put an extremely low price on your time, effort, love, affection, investment, etc. Put a higher price on yourself! Do not take on men who are improvement projects. There is no “well, he’d be a great partner if he stopped threatening to kill himself and his dog/quit snorting coke at parties/got any kind of job whatsoever/stopped taking money from me to pay his basic expenses,” etc. Either the guy is ready to partner with you and you can take him as he is, or you need to keep it pushing. And keeping it pushing – or choosing to be alone – is a perfectly fine choice! Sp e rm banks exist for a reason.

        1. Haven’t read the book, but I agree that it’s better to be alone than have a partner who needs a mom instead of a spouse. As a GenXer, so.many.men of my generation are technically more involved parents than their own fathers because they…changed a diaper, took care of the kids for an afternoon, fed the baby a bottle. Or for the child-free, they do more housekeeping because they put their own dishes in the sink or can make themselves a cup of tea.

        2. It’s not just about the man though. There’s a societal thing that’s happening with women competing with women. The over the top wedding, all of the kid related stuff. That has to come into it too.

      4. Eyeroll to bringing religion and politics into this.

        The problem is that we don’t teach people what red flags to look out for and we certainly do not teach anyone what a healthy relationship looks like. I grew up in a very progressive area and no one ever really talked about healthy versus unhealthy patterns. We just throw young people to the wolves and cross our fingers.

        1. I grew up in a pretty conservative area, but live in a progressive one where I’m the heartless career b*tch who doesn’t compost. I think some of the earth mama / attachment parenting / all organic everything intensive child-rearing stems from very unhealthy relationship patterns. Some of these women decide on a lifestyle that is more labor-intensive than that of a 50s housewife, which provides them the justification/money to be OK with a spouse who works all the time doesn’t know which end of the baby needs the (cloth) diaper.

          1. I kind of wish there were a way for two parents working part time to still get benefits!

        2. wait, do you not think that religion and politics deeply shape gender roles and gender roles greatly impact individual relationship choices? This is pretty basic sociology 101.

    8. Leave and get therapy to explore why you’d consider for a moment staying with a man who threatens to harm his pets. Like honestly I’m disturbed your considering this.

    9. As a women who met her husband in AA more than 20 years ago, please do not stay with this man. When we met, we had both worked through our issue. HE HAS NOT. You are mistaking excitment for love.

    10. Go go go go go. He should not be in a romantic relationship with anyone right now. He needs to learn how to manage his mental health.

    11. Don’t commit today to the man he might become after successful treatment. You date, love, support, partner with him now through the hard stuff or don’t be his partner. If you’re sticking around because you “want to be his partner after he is better”, that’s not enough of a reason to stay now. Frankly, he deserves more now. End it.

    12. Girl no. This is not a rough patch this is a serious life threatening condition that he is not managing. Please get out and get into therapy to figure out why you don’t think you deserve a partner who meets the very low standard of being mentally stable.

    13. ” I know I should go but I want to ensure he gets proper treatment”

      So, this is something you can help him with as a friend, you do not need to continue to be his girlfriend to assist him with this. However, he is an adult, so unless you can get the equivalent of a 5150 hold (danger to self or others in California) where you are, it is 100% up to him when, if, and how he seeks treatment. If he is already having multiple breakdowns and threatening violence, and has not pursued treatment on his own yet, please do not be unrealistic about your ability to get him into treatment. It is his choice to get help and if he chooses not to get help, where he is now is where he may stay for some time.

      “and also selfishly want to be his partner after he is better.”

      This is a separate issue and I think you need to give yourself a wake-up call about this. What if he never gets better? What if he gets better and decides you’re no longer what he wants in a partner? What if he gets somewhat better, but you are bouncing between periods of wellness and periods of illness for the rest of your lives together? This guy may be great, but he has serious problems you cannot fix for him. I am hoping there is not some “savior complex” stuff going on here – I have seen it before, in other women, who believe that they can remodel a mentally-ill person into their ideal partner, who will then be forever grateful and loyal to them because “you were the one who stood by me.” This is straight-up, fairytale, fictional, magical thinking – that kind of thing does not happen, outside of bad movies and romance novels – and you need to put a hard stop to those kinds of ideas, if those have come into your head. It’s not fair to either of you. There are a lot of men out in the world who could be good partners to you without needing intensive mental-health treatment to get to that place. I think for his good and your own, you need to step back from this relationship and see if you can help from a distance, maybe assisting his friends or family members in getting him some help.

      1. Yep. And the truth is they usually don’t want to go back to the person they were with before they were “fixed “because it reminds them of a really terrible time in their life.

    14. You are assuming he will be “fixed” after he gets proper treatment. Mental illness is a lifetime struggle. Do you want to sign up for a lifetime of ups and downs with him?

      Also, anyone who threatens to harm an innocent and helpless animal does not deserve the love and support of a human.

    15. GO GO GO.

      The beginning of a relationship is when everybody is on their best behavior and everybody is as motivated as they will ever be to make things work. (There’s a reason they call it the “honeymoon phase.”) Things are vanishingly unlikely to get better. Good grief.

      What would you tell a friend if she told you she was considering staying with somebody who was VIOLENT????

    16. He needs treatment and help but does not need a relationship right now. DBT therapy (for you) can be really helpful in this situation.

  12. I see Lo & Sons is having a sale – anyone have the Catalina Deluxe Tote? I’m really close to pulling the trigger but I was curious if anyone had any reviews. Thanks!

    1. I have it in the black poly and it is a favorite for carry-on luggage and weekends when I don’t need a ton of stuff. I tried a few other carry-ons (Away, Nike gun bag that was similar) but ended up keeping the Lo & Sons.

    2. I have one. I have used it for weekend trips (we are gone almost every weekend) for years. It has held up well and is amazing.

    3. I do! I love it—it holds a ton and is magically somehow not super heavy when stuffed. The shoe compartment is a game changer.

      I use it for weekend trips and road trips, I have rarely flown with it though.

    4. I have an older version (2016 or 2018 I think) and I love it for short trips. It packs a lot, it fits into the airplane overhead space since it’s soft sided, and it’s very durable.

  13. I am used to being driven and a good employee who likes doing good work. Somewhere along the way I got burnt out and lost my work ethic. I’m mostly recovered from my burnout (2 years later) and I really want to do good work but I still can’t buckle down and do it. In contrast, I’m in grad school part time and I’d say 90% of the time I am engaged and working hard and doing well and proud to do well in grad school, but I can’t get it to translate to my job. Grad degree is directly related to my job.

    I don’t like my job or my team and it’s the first job I’ve had that doesn’t have a mission to it (first non gov’t or non-profit job, this job is very corporate). I’m stuck at this job for another 2 years as it’s covering half of my grad degree. I can’t afford to finish grad school if work isn’t helping to cover it.

    I really hate that I’m skating in this job, but I don’t feel motivated to do anything more. There’s so much I don’t know how to do, which I hate. My boss is well meaning but personally overwhelmed so my training has been very meh. I almost feel like I”m a let down to my team because there’s a lot I can’t do, but also I have no desire to do what I can do. At the expense of being another “burnt out gifted kid meme”, I’m really not used to being so mediocre at a job and hate it. I want to do well and be well regarded! I just can’t make myself care enough to do what I should.

    I have had some mental health issues recently, but am on an SSRI for anxiety. Neither my doctor nor I think I’m depressed, but even if I were – I’m already on an SSRI. I am not in therapy right now for various reasons but it’s unlikely that I’ll re-add it in the near future.

    1. You need a new job. It sounds like you’re actively having to fight the environment you’re in, which is a surefire way to get burned out all over again.

      1. I would agree that I should get a new job, but for a few factors I can’t do that for another 2 years. I need to figure out a way to make peace with this job while I have it

    2. I don’t really have advice because I’m in a similar place, so I’m mostly just jumping in to give virtual hugs. I will offer that maybe you aren’t actually recovered from burnout? I think I’m realizing this for myself, much to my dismay. I was doing pretty well after burning out hard over the last couple of years, but one issue came up last week that would normally get me fired up and ready to work hard, but all I can feel is defeated and apathetic. I’m similarly stuck for a couple more years thanks to Public Service Loan Forgiveness, and while I like my team, I distrust and dislike those in power above me (I’m on the exec team but deal with a board and CEO who don’t share my values). It’s so hard to want to be good for everyone and to not find the capacity to make yourself care.

      Burnout is so tricky to solve when you can’t just quit everything and do a full reset, so I’m here with solidarity and cheering you on!

      1. That’s a good point. I thought I was mostly recovered since I am passionate and excited about school, but since I got burned out by working in public health during the pandemic I haven’t had my love for my career rebound. I’m now private sector and getting an MPA so I’m probably getting excited to get back to government work and less excited about my current job/working in health.

    3. When I can’t move forward in one part of my life, I try to move forward in another. So, I’m stuck at work – how can I make my home a haven? Achieve a personal fitness goal? Get a long overdue project done around the house? I find it helps two ways – I just need to feel achievement in some part of my life, it is the way I am wired. And, achievement in one area often leads to a bit more motivation in other areas, so it bleeds into other parts of my life (including the one that I am stuck on).
      You also seem like a purpose driven individual. When I’ve been in a stuck frame of mind at work, I often think of it as the funding mechanism for doing some volunteer work that I do love and that does fill my sense of purpose. That helps me reframe how I am thinking about work, and often increases my desire to show up better there.
      Finally, not every SSRI works in every situation – I’d check in with the prescriber.

      1. To be fair, my SSRI is prescribed for anxiety and it’s doing wonders for that :) I just added that line to show that my lack of interest in my career is probably not a sign of depression (since that seems to be everyone’s first suggestion here!)

        You are correct that I am quite purpose driven. I used to volunteer monthly but pulled back when I started school, I should see if there’s a different volunteer opportunity that fits better with my new schedule.

        I have a habit of overcommitting to projects (what can I say, I love a goal!) but there are definitely some things I can focus on in addition to work/school

        1. I wouldn’t necessarily conclude there’s no element of depression (since SSRIs prescribed for anxiety can anecdotally actually cause depression symptoms in patients who weren’t depressed to begin with), but I think you’d know if that were happening!

    4. Even if you don’t believe in the mission is there something you can identify to motivate yourself, like I want to learn x, y, z skills in this job?

      1. yes, that’s a good way to frame it. I have a few different specific jobs in mind for when I move on from my current company. I should go through those job descriptions and pull out what I can work on here to make myself attractive to employers after I graduate

    5. Agree with others that you probably aren’t fully recovered from burnout. You’re going to school and working FT – that’s a lot!
      Just because you aren’t hitting it out of the park right at this moment doesn’t mean you never will again. Everyone goes through highs and lows in their careers – you don’t have to be a superstar all the time.
      I also like to think of a line from the classic, so-bad-it’s-good movie Garden State: “I like being mediocre. I sleep better.”

      1. Thats a good point, thanks!

        I think one of my fears is that I’m the newest person on my team, the entire time I’ve been at this job (not quite a year) I’ve been very mediocre, and the culture of my team is to be exceptional all the time (which I disagree with, but I am low ranking). I know there have been talks of layoffs and so I would be afraid that my mediocrity would lead to me being laid off. With being in school, I have very little in savings so a layoff would be really terrible.

        1. If there have been talks of layoffs and you already have a mediocre reputation in this workplace, it’s time to figure out what you will do in the event you are laid off. It is too late to fix your reputation within your current group.

          1. I’ve brought this up with my boss, and he thinks I do great work and I do hear that his bosses speak highly of me. So, I think my thoughts of mediocrity are self-imposed (and there are like 3 people on my team who do worse work than I do, so should there be layoffs I will not be the first to go). it’s like I was an A student before and now I’m a B+student so it feels like I’m doing meh work, but in reality its still good work

    6. How much grad school do you have left? If that weren’t in the equation, my advice would be different. But it seems like what you need right now is exactly what you have: a job that isn’t too demanding while you wrap that up. While it all sounds good that you want to feel passion and commitment to go all-in, the reality is that you wouldn’t likely have bandwidth if that truly happened.

      Instead of feeling overwhelmed by how much you don’t know, try to tackle things in pieces. It will be uncomfortable at first, but it will pay off over time. So what if your boss doesn’t have time? Then hunt down advice from the internet or webinars or other colleagues, etc., etc. The reality is that many companies have bosses who are too busy to spend enough time teaching, so part of your job is to hunt down the answers. Yes, it’s natural to worry about getting it wrong. But that will be offset by the initiative they see. Someone who self-teaches and hits a few bumps along the way will be far more valuable to employers over time then the person who stayed awkwardly silent in order to fly under the radar.

      Once school is out of the way, if you’re still feeling lost, then take that new degree and go to a job where you feel more connected.

      1. I have about 1.5 years left (graduate in May 2024). That is true – when I took this job I did it to “lean out” from my previously very demanding job while I went to school and because this job paid better than my old job and offered tuition reimbursement. So, yes it does check those boxes.

        I have been very passive in learning how to do this job (pretty different than, but related to, the rest of my career) so I like your point about the mistakes being offset by the initiative.

        And yes, I already have a specific job I am interested in after I graduate. I just need to get through the next 19ish months!

  14. What colour top should I pair camel pants & a black blazer with? Or should I find a new outfit?

    1. I think any pretty much any color would do. Personally I’d try ivory or a medium blue, and perhaps in a print or texture if the blazer and pants are solid.

      1. Yes, I’d do cream or white. And probably black shoes to bookend the blazer.

    2. I probably wouldn’t do this outfit, I’d be more likely to wear black pants and a camel blazer. The way you have it sounds hard to balance.

    3. I wear camel and black together all the time. I would do a black top (a turtleneck might look good, if you like them on you). I have also worn deep jewel tones, like cranberry or emerald green, under a black blazer or cardigan with camel pants and got lots of compliments. I would wear black shoes just because nude shoes seem to be way out right now.

  15. I’ve been sick and been bed/couch ridden for a week and my lower back has gotten so stiff that I can’t get comfortable. I’ve tried a hot water bottle, a bath, stretching, a massage gun and nothing really seems to be doing the trick. I think a few long walks to stretch the legs and loosen things up might help, but I’m still not well enough to do that. Any other suggestions?

    1. Try lying on your stomach for an hour or two each day while you are resting. It will use a different set of muscles and let the ones in your lower back relax. Standing, walking, and lying flat on the ground for an hour or more will also help, as would taking some ibuprofen. But mostly it’s a waiting game for your back to stop hurting.

    2. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Are you possibly having body aches as part of your illness? I have thought I was stiff in similar circumstances, found similarly no relief in a bath, stretching, or a heating pad, and realized I just had a bunch of body aches. Tylenol helped.

    3. When my lower back bugs me, the walking is the best. But when I can’t do that, I lay on my back on a hard floor with my knees up. That seems to help! Then when I can, I add in the “superman” movements where you lie on your stomach and raise your legs and arms a bit off the ground.

    4. When my lower back is really stiff, I often find that I need to loosen up everything around it. So hip/glute stretches, hamstring stretches, inner thigh stretches, and side torso stretches. If you’re still sick, do really slow gentle movements and make sure you’re warm. Hope you feel better soon!

    5. If you have a bolster of a few pillows, lay on your back propped up with the bolster/pillows starting at about br@ strap level. Lay there for a moment, then move down an inch off the bolster, lay there for a moment, move down a little again, etc. Eventually you will end up on the floor. You can also do it the reverse way. Prop your hips up on a yoga block and relax for a moment, move up an inch off the block, wait a moment, etc, until you end up completely on the floor. If that’s too much you can always put a rolled-up towel under your hips and let your lower back relax down from that position.

    6. When my lower back acts up I find that gently working my abs helps a ton.
      If you can, try a hollow-rock hold: lay on your back, hold your legs straight and lift them about 6 inches off the ground. Press your back into the floor – I think about pushing my bra band into the floor – and then lift your shoulders off the ground. Arms at your sides. Hold for 15-30 seconds, then repeat.

    7. Thanks all!

      I have COVID so I can’t get out for walks just yet. I’ve been stretching my hips too because they’re notoriously tight which definitely leads to back tightness.

      Luckily, I am feeling much better. Earlier in my COVID illness I had terrible body aches but this is definitely muscular.

      Will give these suggestions a try as I’m feeling up for them!

    8. This happened to me–get a heating pad and do a short course of advil – 3 pills a day for three meals for two days. Do gentle stretch and walking in-between. Add in icy hot/tiger balm/biofreeze as needed.

      Also–this happened to me after I had a cold, and my doctor told me the virus can localize in your spine! Crazy! This may just be muscular, but that was a whoa! moment for me.

      Hope you feel better soon!

  16. So, a quick follow up to my decision making post on Friday. I decided to stay home and go to the practice rather than going to the sporting event with H. First thing when I got home Friday he says, “so what did you decide to do tomorrow?. So I told him since it was ok with him I would stay and attend the practice. He got upset and started saying things like “I didn’t really think you’d decide that. I didn’t think “thing” was so important to you.” I reminded him that, yes, this is important to me and that he had said it was fine with him. He proceeded to make a big deal out of it the rest of the evening. He had anticipated leaving at a certain time on Saturday. I ran an errand, making it back about an hour before he intended to leave and he had already left without so much as saying anything to me about a change in plans. He didn’t get back until late Saturday night and didn’t say anything except “good” when I asked how his day was. He proceeded to basically not talk to me the rest of the weekend. However, we had an event last evening and when we got home he started acting like everything was normal. Very frustrating, but not unanticipated.

    On the other side, the event I was practicing for went super well and I had a great time! My family was super supportive, but H never has said anything good about it. Not even a “good job” or anything.

    Thanks for all of your input on Friday.

    1. This feels very controlling and abusive. At the very least, it sounds like he’s using withholding, silent treatment, and anger to control you and keep you from ever having needs.

      It’s possible it’s emotional immaturity and it’s been normalized in the relationship to the point he doesn’t recognize it. I think this would call for very firm boundaries on your end (“I can go wherever I want and not be met with stonewalling/withholding”) or couples therapy and individual therapy.

      I personally would seriously consider leaving this relationship. It’s not within your control to change him, and as he is right now he is extremely toxic. My mother’s relationship with my father was like that and deeply traumatizing.

    2. Oh my. This is so sad. Thank you for the update. That’s an unacceptable response to a very reasonable approach by you.

    3. Can you please leave him? Like, today? This is emotional abuse, and it’s never going to get better. He is not going to change.

      I’ve worked with DV victims for over 10 years, so I’m going to say it again — it’s never going to get better with him. It’s only going to get better once you leave. He is not going to change.

      1. So much this! I was married to somebody EXACTLY LIKE THIS and it’s so sad and horrible and it does such a number on your self-esteem. And things are SO MUCH BETTER once you leave!! SO MUCH BETTER!!! If you want to email or talk, I’m here: seniorattorney1 at gmail.

    4. See post above about the crisis among women in the US and the type of behavior we are all willing to tolerate. This person is a man-child, and deserves to be treated like the toddler he is acting like.

    5. I am not going to jump on the “leave him” band wagon but I do think this calls for a conversation that goes something like:

      “We discussed it and you told me it was fine with you if I skipped Event A for Event B. But then when I decided to go to Event B, you got snippy with me. I am not a mind reader. If you tell me something, I am going to take it at face value. So if it is important to you that I do something, I need you to tell me that and we can talk about it. But I am not going to be put in a position where I do something you specifically said was fine and then you sulk about it.”

      And if he does it again THEN you leave him. Because this is the behavior of a toddler.

      1. But why does she need permission from him in the first place? I like your advice in general, but if he listens, he will start saying “no it is not fine.” The real issue here is why she needs him to be okay with her doing what she wants to do in the first place!

        1. I think any marriage involves compromises. She does not need permission (hence “and we will talk about it”) but there are certainly instances where I do something I would prefer to skip because it is important to my significant other that I attend and vice-versa (my firm’s annual Christmas party is something he would definitely skip if I did not want him to attend but it is important to me that he go so he does!) And if he suddenly decided he wanted to take off on a 2 week boys trip and leave me alone with the kids, I would want to have a conversation about that rather than have him declare that he has the right to do what he wants.

          If he takes that as an invitation to start openly dictating OP’s behavior as opposed to communicating honestly then she has the real answer – which is that he is trying to be controlling – and that is definitely a leave him situation.

        2. Agree.

          In a normal relationship it’s something like “I understand you have practice but I’d be disappointed if you couldn’t make it because of (good reason)” and that’s the end of it. Of course,at least from what we’ve heard, there is no good reason and he’s just manipulative and controlling. “No you can’t go because I said so” is probably all she’ll get here. So at least it’s clear, but the answer is probably still to get out. Op I’m worried about you. Please make a plan to get out.

      2. Normally this wouldn’t be enough for me to say leave him, but her comments last week made him seem emotionally manipulative if not abusive

      3. I generally would agree with this comment but having read your original post I do not. I want to send you so much love, and encouragement to find a way to extricate yourself safely from this relationship.

        Life is too short to be with someone who values you as little as this man does. I promise you that you deserve so much better than this dreadful treatment. He will never change and be the person you deserve. You need to seize your own happiness and emotional (and physical) safety.

        Source – many years of life experience and 30+ years in criminal justice.

      4. I don’t think this is the behavior of a toddler at all. Children are the most selfish creatures, they don’t keep their real wants secret. If a toddler wants something, the whole world will know.
        Giving you the silent treatment may be charitably interpreted as childish pouting, but it also happens to be the hallmark of abusive controlling behavior, soooo….

      5. Yeah, based on this post and the one before, I think we are WAY past this kind of thing. I had maybe 1,000 conversations like this with my former husband and it never sunk in. I finally (FINALLY) realized that he knew darned good and well what I needed/wanted, and he knew darned good and well how hurtful his behavior was, and he just didn’t care.

        Pack your bags, OP. It’s only going to get worse. And in my experience, the more you call him out on his bad behavior, the worse it’s going to get.

    6. Thank you for updating us. That is outrageously bad behavior on the part of your husband. Glad your event went well!

    7. My friend, you deserve better than what you are getting in this relationship. Life could be so much better than this. Please continue posting as I am sure others feel as I do: I really want to support you as you find your path out of this relationship. It would be better to be single than to continue living with a person who treats you like this.

    8. Girl. There are lots of men out there who would support you in your hobby and tell you “it’s great that you decided to go to practice. I look forward to hearing about it!” And it would only take you two or three times of going through that before you might start to believe it.

    9. Sorry to say….this IS emotional abuse. The silent treatment is my Achilles heel, which I found out when I was with someone exactly like your DH. Please… go seek a therapist for yourself, you deserve so much better.

  17. Attorneys: what kind of lawyer covers assault? Family member (college kid) got in to what I understand started as a playful fight with a roommate, and family member ended up with severe injury and is currently in emergency surgery. He will have for sure 5 figures (at least) of medical debt and a potential long term disability as a result. He’s from out of state but goes to school in my home state, so his parents have asked me if I know of any attorneys for them to consult to see if there’s any kind of case to cover damages. His ER paperwork calls him an “assault victim,” FWIW. They live off campus so the school is aware but not involved, also.

    Less looking for opinions of if there’s a case – I’m staying out of it – but more so just what type of lawyer/practice area do I point them to, and if anyone has a rec in/around Boston. TIA.

    1. Personal injury, but based on the facts presented I wouldn’t be optimistic about a recovery. Personal injury recoveries are typically negligence claims that are covered by auto or homeowners insurance. Assault is an intentional act and unlikely to be covered by any such policy, and more likely than not the roommate has no personal assets to go after.

      1. I agree, but perhaps a savvy lawyer may argue that it was a playful fight that accidentally got out of hand. Plead it as negligence instead of intentional to implicate the insurer.

        1. Right, like playful shove where custom slipped and fell out a widow vs was intentionally shoved out a window.

    2. Also a criminal lawyer. Sounds like a crime was committed and there may be victim restitution available.

        1. Thanks, and to everyone else, too. It started as “horseplay” whatever that means and then turned aggressive. Roommate laid a hard punch on family member, square on his eye, and shattered his face/ocular bone (idk not a doctor) and it’s bad. Vision is a concern. They’re not really friends. They live in a frat house and he’s 2 years younger than family member so housemate is more appropriate? I am of the uninformed legal opinion that they just let it go and there’s a lot of detail missing, they were prob both being d-bags and drunk for all anyone knows, but family has asked me as the “local professional” for guidance.

          1. The fraternity should have insurance for that kind of thing, too. A good PI lawyer should be able to suss that out.

    3. Do college kids not have health insurance? I’m sorry if this is sense but I’ve seen some pretty bad health plans but for the under 26 group, they’re usually part of family plans which have things like out of pocket maxes in the low 5 figures. I’m wondering how medical insurance Gets off the hook here.

    4. You need a good plaintiff personal injury attorney. If you let us know where you are, someone may be able to give a recommendation.

      Based on your description, I cannot tell whether this was an horrible accident or whether it was intentional (the ER description is essentially meaningless and almost certainly inadmissible). And there are advantages and disadvantages of framing it as intentional (not dischargeable in bankruptcy but not covered by insurance) vs. negligence. A lot will depend on the financial status of the other person involved, whether his parents own a home and he is covered by their insurance, etc.) But a good attorney can evaluate all of this. Just vet the attorney carefully. There are great plaintiff personal injury attorneys out there and there are a lot of hacks.

      1. Boston, and the final hit that injured him was intentional vs an accidental elbow jab or something. Wound up and socked him straight in the eye.

    5. Maybe it’s leap but if they are roommates, I assume they are friends. Why would you hire an attorney before you say to the roommate “you helped cause this injury, please pay for half”? Why just right to an attorey?

      1. I guess because it’s a college student? How many college students have hundreds of thousands of dollars on hand for something like this?

        1. Or I guess tens of thousands if he’s out of the hospital soon and there’s no long term therapy needed (or disability preventing employment)… Basically this sounds wildly beyond the ability of another ~20 year old to help out with.

  18. Give me all of your tricks on shaking that “rat race” feeling! I work actively for positive mindset, but I think I’m stuck in that harried place of working parenthood where I’m just chasing around kids activities. Would love any good tips you’ve used!

    1. I would schedule a day off and also a day off that falls on the weekend (so your spouse/kid’s friend’s parent takes the kids to their activities). This can make a big difference!

    2. I found Laura Vanderkam’s work useful in this regard – it is about tips on time management with a focus on working parents. Not everyone’s cup of tea, for sure, but I like to listen to her Before Breakfast podcast while doing skin care at night and it definitely has gotten me to think creatively about a few things. And, from someone who has been there/done that, it does get better. Sometimes it is so incremental you dont’ realize it but it really does get better with time. You won’t always be this busy, no one has it completely figured out (so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t) and just know this is a season in your life. It’s not forever.

  19. I am single and have always managed my own modest finances / retirement investments, but now need some help after a recent inheritance. I am in the Chicago suburbs. Any recs for a fiduciary financial advisor? I do not feel confident managing things alone due to this sudden change, and my older age/unusual circumstances.

    I was thinking it could be a visit 1-2x to help get things sorted. Would be great if they were knowledgeable about taxes in addition to retirement planning.

    I have had a very atypical path and am single, no kids, in my 50s and am in the process of retraining for a new career after years out of the workforce. Right now I don’t have any anticipated pension, and don’t even qualify for social security/Medicare yet. I know that this sounds odd, but yes, but there are life and career paths where this can happen.

    Most of my finances are at Fidelity and Vanguard. I may talk to them as well, but I also want someone from outside.

    1. Most of us in our mid 50s don’t qualify for social security payments and Medicare yet. That’s not unusual. You’d have to be disabled to qualify.

      There are independent fee based financial planners you can consult with, or you can move your banking to a place like First Republic, where they will give you a sort of mechanical check-in with projected future income under a series of assumptions (make sure you’re getting a wide range of assumptions so you know where your weak points could be). I only recommend them because I have a friend in a similar situation to you who has been very happy with them.

      What you don’t want is for all of your financial advice to be coming from someone who is hoping to sell you high fee investment vehicles on commission.

      1. I think what the OP means is that she hasn’t worked enough quarters where she contributed to SS/Medicare to qualify for benefits when she reaches the appropriate age.

      2. I assume she’s saying that she doesn’t have the credits to qualify when she reaches retirement age. If that’s the case, I’d prioritize doing whatever it takes to be Medicare eligible. If that’s the case, that should really take priority over anything else.

        1. +1

          Yes, thank you both.

          Yes, I am getting to work as soon as I can to reach eligibility.

      3. I think she means that even if she were of age, she wouldn’t be able to re rice soc sec/Medicaid today, which could be because she hasn’t worked enough quarters in a qualified W2 type job. If she worked as a contractor or worked for certain state government jobs she would not be paying in to soc sec and therefore would not be eligible to receive it regardless of her age.

    2. If you have assets over a certain amount Fidelity provides an advisory service for its managed accounts which is essentially a fee-only planner. I have really liked working with mine – they dig into your financial situation and goals and then set things up to work to meet the goals. At least give Fidelity customer service a call, say you have X inherited funds you’d like advice on, and talk to whoever they connect you with.

    3. To add to my previous comment, I personally feel more comfortable dealing with Fidelity than I would about trusting a smaller outfit with an enormous part of my net worth. Maybe for advice, but when it comes to trusting someone to make investments for me I really want to know there’s a big staff of quants involved vs. someone who could be described as “I have a guy….”.

    4. We hired Savant Wealth Management last year for a one time analysis of our portfolio and a financial plan. We are both index fund investors with most accounts at Fidelity, Vanguard, and Schwab. I fought hiring an advisor but found the one time plan to be helpful and there was no push for ongoing services. If you are interested, they offer AUM wealth management for a fee.

      I also interviewed several advisors in the Chicago area and nationally, that I’d found through NAPFA, Garrett, and others. Savant struck the right balance of not being salesy and knowing their stuff with investments.

  20. I have an old IRA from about a decade ago with $10k sitting in cash after having to roll it over from one financial institution to another. I’m at a loss as to where to invest it. I have my standard 401k along with a very small brokerage account. Where would you invest 10K right now?

      1. Mid-30’s and already have some vanguard index funds in my small personal brokerage account. I have vanguard 500 and small S & P. Keep going that route? My 10K is just sitting there so I’d rather do something very secure with it since I won’t need it for another 20-30 years.

        1. Very secure is the opposite of a 20-30 year horizon. Very secure is a savings account that is FDIC insured. But for a 20-30 year horizon, you take some risk so that you outpace inflation.

          1. Ok sorry, somewhat secure, not very. I’m usually risk adverse so that’s my first thought, but willing to loosen up a bit.

  21. Lately I have read/seen quite a few articles/podcasts from reputable sources talking about things like ‘how we need to save our boys,’ and how schools are failing boys, etc. etc. and i just thought it would be interesting to discuss here. On the one hand, i find it somewhat ridiculous, like now that more bachelors degreed are awarded to women than to men, it is a huge problem? or that the school system benefits girls – well the school system wasn’t even set up for girls to begin with! And aren’t there more girls than boys born every year? On the other hand, as someone mentioned above about the quality of available men, and what is the impact on women if men are ‘failing.’ Thoughts?

    1. I have a son and daughter who are in college. My son has not had fewer opportunities than my daughter. I have no sympathy for the hand wringing.

    2. I’ve seen these too and I’m not convinced it’s a gendered issue. There are lots of ways the school system is failing all children.

    3. My work occasionally overlaps with work on violent extremism. I don’t study or work directly on violent extremism so I can’t really comment on the why but nearly all actors in various violent extremism movements are men and obviously the incel community is male. There is a population of young men slipping through the cracks and ending up involved in these movements in a way that’s not happening with women. But, your average boy is not being failed by society or school.

    4. I do remember realizing when our boy/girl twins were in school how much our learning system supports girl learners rather than boy learners. My son (and his male cousin) were both fidgeters, and the lack of tolerance in the classroom for doing anything but sitting perfectly still with your hands in your lap was intense (one teacher used to reach into a jar of marbles and roll them threateningly…if there were too many “bad” kids she moved a marble into the bad jar and if it got to a certain level, there were consequences) (this was 2nd grade by the way). Also read a good book on the topic (sorry can’t remember the name) which made me realize he needed to learn through hands on doing and she was perfectly fine with “book” learning…both progressed just fine and are in early stage careers. Meant he was miserable in school and she did great but no lasting damage. Looked for extra curriculars that would really engage him and let him learn by doing.

      1. That’s the opposite of my experience. My son was a fidgeter/didn’t stay in his seat, got referred to a specialist within two visits to the principal, was diagnosed with sensory issues and got his own aide. He’s fine now.

        My daughter was the compliant kid whose mind wandered in class and who did poorly on tests. She didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until high school and still struggles with it in college (though I’m proud to say she’s a dean’s list student now.)

      2. I disagree with your assertion that this is a boy girl natural thing. Girls are socialized to be more compliant.

          1. Hahaha I love the self righteous here. I have kids which is why I can assure you that people have been treating my kids differently since they were born (and in the case where we found out gender while pregnant even before she was born!) based on their gender. I’m very attuned to this issue and yet find myself doing the same more often than I’d like to admit.

          2. I’m childless by choice and this is why there will always be a battle between parents and non parents. You should fix your attitude.

      3. I feel like things have really changed since I was in school – our elementary school has fidget toys in the classroom.

    5. I think a lot of kids struggle in school as school is currently set up, but girls are better socialized for compliance (for better or worse).

      I think about this a lot, because my MIL did the bad thing in the other thread and left a PhD program to raise kids. This made it possible to keep her kids home from school while still benefiting from all the educational opportunities of living in a big city. There are pros and cons to this approach that could be discussed all day, but there’s no question my husband and his siblings are outliers for a zip code that was not attracting good teachers or achieving a good (or safe) educational environment when they were young, and in my view outliers in “respecting women” (though I wonder if that’s also cultural, since my in-laws are also immigrants from communities that are a lot less patriarchal than mainstream America).

    6. If you are used to winning a game that gives you a higher chance of winning and then the rules change and you are on an equal playing field, it can feel like you are being treated unfairly. That doesn’t mean you are.

      There are of course young men who are being failed by our systems. There are also many young women who are being failed by our systems. But on the whole, no, boys aren’t being failed. As a mom, from what I’ve seen, the patriarchy is still strong and boys still have the advantage on the whole.

      1. It’s one of those things where it’s like, “is it bad for people to have less accountability, everyone making excuses for their mistakes, and giving them second chances and one ups all throughout life?”

        It’s probably bad for their souls, but they’re still at an advantage in life practically speaking.

        1. I sympathize with the sentiment, but they’re not sucking it up and don’t seem prepared to start any time soon. Women may be getting the good grades and a lot of the good jobs, but we’re also losing reproductive rights, living with a high risk of violence from men (including from the winner men who do make it into college), and basically I cannot count all the ways in which men have harmed people I know and gotten away with it.

          1. I guess I disagree with your assertion that we should coddle men more to keep them from killing us.

          2. I didn’t assert that we should coddle men. I just don’t see women “winning”

    7. I think this is an old talking point. The War Against Boys was a book published 20+ years ago. I’m not anticipating any school issues with my son, but I guess he’s not really old enough for me to say.

    8. I admittedly have not researched this issue so take it for what you will but—-I have two young sons and I have a hard time buying that this is real. I think this is mostly a political angle, tbh. If you look around, men seem to be doing just fine.

    9. I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to not have a society where lots of people end up dysfunctional and flailing, unable to hold jobs, and shooting up schools and grocery stores, whether they’re men or women. It certainly seems like most of them are men, though, and it seems reasonable to think of systemic reasons this might be happening and try to do something about it. I think it can both be the case that men still have lots of advantages and that a subset of them are really struggling with the way schools and society are structured.

      1. Agreed.

        I’m not surprised that people who are part of this community aren’t seeing this, because in our class, the problem isn’t there. I think it very much is there in the working class, and we ignore it at our peril (in terms of social stability, even setting aside broader questions of social justice).

    10. I just read a debunking of this the other day. School dropout rates have been falling historically, and the gender differential between boys and girls is super small. On the other hand, racial differences still are large. There is still work to be done, but there is not a big, new, increasing crisis that nobody is aware of.
      I think we also discussed an article here a while ago considering the declining return on investment of a college degree, and it’s not unusual that the gender balance shifts in cases like this.

      1. The longstanding crises are still a big deal though. And staying in school isn’t what it used to be (the “school to prison pipeline” is real).

    11. My husband is a white dude who came from basically nothing and became a successful attorney. He often says “if you’re having a hard time as a white dude in America, the problem is you.”

      If you’re looking at America and thinking women/girls have it too easy you’re insane. Said as the mom of a little boy. Literally nothing is harder for my son than for my daughter in school. Is there an epidemic of men and boys who think the world owes them something more than opportunity? Yes, but I’m not interested in remedying that by extending resources to a group that doesn’t need them.

    12. My understanding is that the differences show up when you control for income. The boys – and men – who are generally struggling are low income/working class boys and men. That’s not the case in the professional class/high income environments. I mean, yes – my kids’ schools (I have two boys and a girl) have a million programs that are girl-specific, notwithstanding that girls already outperform boys in basically all respects, but our boys aren’t failing or struggling in any notable way. It’s the difference between which kids are going to Yale and which kids are going to Duke.

      But my cousins are working class – they’re hourly wage workers, a lot of them are in low-skill jobs (not all, but a lot of them). There is a major, major gap between the boys and the girls. The boys are more likely to have school disciplinary history (suspensions, expulsions). The boys are more likely to have experimented with drugs or to have drug problems (mostly opiate addiction). None of them have a four-year degree, but a few of the girls and women have associates’ degrees. None of the men or boys do. The men are more likely to seem depressed or angry, to spend a lot of time just sitting around, and to seem adrift.

      Now, individual choices contribute to all of that. But when a class and community of people all seem to individually make the same not-great choices, I start wondering about the structural factors that are associated with that. I am not an expert in these things, but looking at it generationally it is certainly true that in my parents’ and grandparents’ generation, the men and boys did just fine with only a high school degree. My grandfather was able to advance to a fairly senior manufacturing position and raise a family; my uncle made a lifelong career running youth clubs (YMCA, Boys and Girls Club, etc.) and summer camps, and again – could own a home and raise a family.

      Maybe it’s true that the educational system is better designed for female learners; I don’t know. What I can say is that if you are someone that isn’t well-served by the educational system, your economic opportunities (and thus your social ones) are so much poorer than they used to be.

      1. I hope this has changed, but for a while it seemed like K12 education was aimed at sending everyone to college. If students didn’t do well on the college track, they were viewed as failures. Jobs that don’t require a college degree were framed as jobs for losers (or even as punishments for kids who didn’t study enough).

        I know that tracking can be problematic too, but “everyone is on the college track and some people just fail” wasn’t a great system either.

        My own brother did post-secondary enrollment to get into a hospitality career; he owns two homes in a nicer place than where we lived and takes care of my mom now. He’s doing great.

        It sure beats racking up student debt (with or without ever graduating).

        But of people who stuck around, a lot of men where we’re from have overdosed or died in DUI accidents by now. And a lot of the women who never left that town are raising kids on their own because the men weren’t really stable or safe enough to stay with, but they were the men who were around. Women for sure are the ones holding down jobs and keeping things running, but it’s not some “ra ra go women! suck it, men!” kind of feeling at all.

  22. Question on bralettes last week got me thinking – everytime I see myself in a picture, I can’t believe just how far my chest has sunk/deflated into a uniboob situation. I’ve been measured and they put me in a 36DD (I’m about 5’5, 130 lbs for reference). Simply can’t find a bra that “lifts and separates” and is tolerable. Don’t mind underwires, but just can’t figure out what I need to not have this big ol rounded mass of undefinable flesh sitting across the middle of my chest. Anyone found a miracle cure for the uniboob?

    1. Redd1t a bra that fits. Figure out what size you really are. Then get a bra that really fits. I won’t hurt when you find the right bra, I promise.

      1. Seconding this comment. At that height and weight, it’s highly unlikely your band size is 36. Go to that sub, take your 6 measurements and do the calculator. The posters there can help with suggestions on bra brands/models that would be a good place to start.

        1. Agree on the band size. Very unlikely. My daughter is about 10 lbs heavier and about the same height and she’s a 30 band. She sister sizes to a 32 because it’s easier to find, but no way is she a 36, and I sincerely doubt OP is either.

    2. That shouldn’t be happening with a well-fitting underwire bra. Maybe pick like a basic Natori bra or two and take a bunch of different sizes into a fitting room.

      1. +1

        Agree with the other posters.

        Go to Reddit and read their Abrathatfits and carefully do your own measurements using their calculator.

        And also agree with getting the ultrapopular Natori bra Feathers underwire in a bunch of sizes from Nordstrom and try them all. Also watch the videos on how to properly put a bra on and tuck the girls in and makes sure brea$t tissue isn’t spilling out the sides. And how to tighten the straps correctly. Sorry if this is obvious to you, but I was doing everything wrong/sloppy for years.

        If you were like me, even Nordstrom fitted me wrong and pushed me in too large a band and too small a cup and squished me to nothing. Given your weight/height measurements, I suspect that you are in a similar situation.

        Nordstrom put me in a 34A. Turned out I was a 30DD.

    3. Do you have space between the breasts, or are they close together? Wide «roots», or narrow? Different shapes beed different brands for a good fit even within what is technically the same size.

  23. I’m new to Arlington, VA – can anyone recommend a dentist and hair salon? For a dentist, I’d like to stay in Arlington, and it seems like there are so many that appear fine, but wondering if anyone has good/bad experiences to report to help me decide. For hair, I’m willing to go into DC and want a great experience. I have long hair that I get toned and occasionally colored. I had crappy experiences in my last city and I’m willing to pay $$$ for a luxury experience.

    1. For hair salon – Casal’s is amazing, but just be aware that appointments book pretty far out. Once I started going there, I never went anywhere else, though sadly have since left the DMV. Miss it dearly.

    2. For a dentist: David Cote in Pentagon City. He is the opposite of the kind of dentist who tries to find reasons to fill cavities and bill your insurance. I’ve been seeing him for years and really appreciate that. And his office has early morning appointments and runs pretty much on time!

  24. Is there a term for people who are so in their head that they’re on autopilot and not aware of the space or people surrounding them? And as a result leave a trail of mess in their wake as they move about the house? This is how my husband is at all times. This behavior itself drives me crazy, but what’s really causing issues for us is messy papers. He wants to save every single paper until he’s had a chance to thoroughly review it, including junk mail, grocery store mailers, coupons, user manuals, appointment summaries from months-ago doctors appts, receipts, etc. There are loose documents and piles of them throughout the house. He says just leave it and he’ll get to it (but never does). If I move anything, it upsets him and we fight. If I try to consolidate into 1 pile, he freaked out and we fight. If he can’t find something, he assumes I moved it and we fight. I’m truly at a loss. He has an office but it is like a bomb went off in there; stuff is everywhere. I try putting trays more rooms so there is a place for his papers, he won’t use them. I’m sick of papers piling up on every surface in the house, and I’m sick of arguing about it. Any advice?

    1. Can you compromise that all of these papers will immediately go into the office and then he can deal with them as he likes there? And hopefully the office has a door that closes and you never ever have to go in there? This is essentially what my parents do.

      1. Yeah, this is the only solution. He’s gonna have to meet you halfway on this/you’re gonna have to stand your ground and put up with the pushback. Maybe get banker’s boxes and write the date each one starts and ends.

        And it definitely sounds like he’s got a hoarding disorder.

    2. I would be tempted to secretly throw away some of the junk mail a couple of pieces at a time to see if he even notices. Same with expired coupons. Sounds like he had a bit of a hoarding tendency.

      1. throwing it away will exacerbate.

        dr apt for possible hoarding or early ALZHEIMERS

    3. I can see 2 descriptors: Unaware or Jerk. That he gets mad when you try to organize sure does suggest Jerk might be the correct descriptor

    4. Holy crap, this isn’t like an ADHD thing, this is your husband being a jerk. Being unthoughtful and aloof is one thing, starting fights about it when the people around you try to clean up your mess is another. I think this is a relationship issue that goes beyond stacks of paper.

    5. I would say it’s like an ADHD thing because this is kind of how I am, but stuff I do to help myself:
      – I take pictures of any important paper in case I lose it (like kid’s new eyeglasses prescription)
      – 1-touch rule with the mail; junk mail and catalogs are recycled immediately
      – letters to open go to a specific place (my office), magazines to the powder room
      – we have mounted file folders near the mudroom so if I see something for a family member somewhere it doesn’t belong it goes to the file folder
      – at year-end I go through any remaining magazines with presumption of getting rid of all of it
      – if I have “doom boxes” (an ADHD thing where you just shove a bunch of crap into a box and forget about it) then I set a reminder to go through it in a year’s time if I haven’t needed anything in the meantime, again with eye to throwing away 90-100%.

    6. This is like the discussion of Kanye last week except on a less toxic level. You can be bipolar AND an asshole.

      Your husband can have ADHD and also be an inconsiderate jerk.

    7. Give him a bin/box with a lid. Once that fills up, he must attend to it otherwise every other piece of junk mail, coupon, manual, receipts get thrown out before they enter the house. He’s acting like a child or treat him like one.

    8. One baby step: get a post office box. You retrieve the mail and sort junk mail directly into the recycling bin. Combine this with the dated banker’s box in his office for mail that must enter the house and is not solely yours, along with miscellaneous receipts, etc.

    9. Have you said this to him? What are his solutions? I think you have to start with him acknowledging that this is a problem.

    10. I’ll bite. I am your husband in our relationship. But I don’t have ADHD, am not a hoarder, and am not mean or childish. It’s pretty simple, actually. The combination of working from home full time so all the workday mess is now in our home, being incredibly overscheduled, and being the responsible adult who doesn’t miss deadlines in the relationship means that, yes, I hold onto papers until I am done with them because we’ve tried to let him handle it and that does. not. work.

      It sounds like you are trying, with the best of intentions, to organize your way out of your husband being overwhelmed. But your husband isn’t disorganized – he knows where everything is. The problem is that your husband lacks the time to do what he is promising. How much vacation does he get? Can he take a day off every month or two with the express purpose of organizing and decluttering the house? Or can you take over the bill paying and medical care responsibilities for the household? The only things that will work are removing some of the responsibilities from his plate or giving him more time.

      1. Nope. The categories of paper the OP listed are all things that can and should go directly into the trash.

        1. Yeah, of course, everybody picks the examples that makes them look good. I’m suggesting OP take a step back and breathe a little, recognize the humanity in her husband and maybe dig into the mismatch.

          Or not. It’s her marriage.

    11. My dad is like this and I think there are several factors, none of which are ADHD or being a bad person.
      1) He grew up in a messy house. His dad and sister are hoarders and his mom gave up at controlling the chaos. So, what is messy to my mom (who grew up in a WASPy house with a very neat SAHM AND a full time maid) is clean by my dad’s standards. If there was 1 paper not in a folder in the whole house, my mom would think it was a pigsty. My dad is like oh there’s only 3 stacks of papers on the dining room table, it’s clean! there could be 12!
      2) my dad does all of his banking, bills, credit cards, and the like on paper still. There’s just a lot of papers coming into the house.
      3) My dad gets annoyed when my mom moves something because he knew exactly where it was in a pile of papers and now he doesn’t. Why he doesn’t file things is beyond me but he knows exactly what is in each stack. My mom just throws things into bankers boxes so then he doesn’t know where things ended up.
      4) They both have bad tempers and worse delivery so what would be me rolling my eyes at my husband ends up in a fight between my parents.

      Now that they’re empty nesters, my bedroom is the office and the compromise is that all the papers go in there and it can be as messy as my dad wants and my mom never goes in that room

    12. Would your husband respond well to the following: if you are hit by a bus tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to sort through all of this? My father was this way. he kept every single piece of paper for over 40 years of marriage. he died, and my mother and I have been dealing with it for 4 years now. We have trouble tracking down papers when we need them, and it’s been a mess.

    13. I agree to a room for the papers where the door can be closed. I also like the idea of a box where they all go. This may be a small detail, but would it help to put these papers in the box file-cabinet style, so it is easier to go through? Like a pile, but on its side so the “pile” is somewhat maintained.

  25. I posted about the quality of available men. Dating in NYC was HARD! I think women have achieved so much in the past few decades while men have mostly remained the same. As women’s accomplishments increase, I think we want a man who can keep up, both in terms of helping at home and having a decent career. It’s no longer enough to have just a job like it was in the 1950’s. It makes me think of Gisele where she expected Tom to be an equal partner but he couldn’t do that. Men are upset that women’s expectations have increased and they can’t cut it. They have the same or similar opportunities, but don’t seem to want to take advantage of them in the way women do. This is not a failure of schools though! Not at all. It’s a failure on their part. I know I sound like a man hater but I’m just speaking from experience, both mine and my friends’.

    1. “Men are upset that women’s expectations have increased and they can’t cut it.”

      AMEN. See: the men who complain that Roe v. Wade led to fewer men being married because essentially they could no longer trap a woman in a relationship.

      1. I actually think this is the truth right here. Less women “need” men. And plenty of low ambition, low intelligence, low achieving men are very angry about that.

      2. Ugh I have not heard that but I’m disgusted. Usually it’s the idea that the woman is trying to lock in the guy by getting pregnant.

    2. It’s the attitude that I could not stand. If a guy has a reasonable job and is reasonably intelligent, I would definitely give it a date or two, see if there is something there. But if a guy thinks I should worship him for having something dangling between his legs, hell to the no, no matter what else he has going on in life.

  26. Anon at 11:39, being a “housewife” is vastly different than being a SAHM. I personally am happy as a working mother but many of my friends are much happier as SAHMs. To them, there is nothing more important than being with their children. Who are you to say that’s “harmful?” Just because you feel strongly about something doesn’t mean you’re right.

  27. I deal with cases/attorneys across the country and have heard from attorneys I work with that Keches Law Group in Massachusetts is a reputable personal injury firm.

Comments are closed.