This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This V-neck peplum top continually catches my eye at Nordstrom, so I'm finally ordering it — I think it'll look great with wide, loose trousers over the summer, as well as with pencil skirts and skinnier pants. (Know your office as far as sleeveless workwear goes!) The top was $68 but is now marked to $40. Halogen® V-Neck Peplum Top
Here's a sleeveless V-neck top (not peplum) in plus sizes that comes in eight colors/prints.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-3)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Tazdevil
Why oh why can’t clothing manufacturers make tops with shallower v-necks????? The model pictured is probably an A cup, so that’s why it looks ok on her. If someone higher than a C cup were to wear this blouse, then it would look positively p@rn#graph*€!!!!
Veronica Mars
+1 PREACH!!
Ellen
Yay! You are BOTH Preacheing to the Chior, as my dad would say. I used to wear V necked tops and dresses to work, and FRANK used them as an exeucse to peek, and later to poke with his finger’s! Can you imagine this, from a married man? You think his wife never let him see, let alone touch, her boobie’s! But I met his wife, and she seem’s very liberal, so I doubt she keep’s herself shrowded from his gaze (and grubbey hand’s). But many women evidentley do NOT care if men stare at them or even paw at them. But I do, and my dad is getting sick of hearing all of these stories about Frank. The manageing partner said he would talk to Frank, and I hope he does, b/c in the summer, V neck’s and sleeveless dresses are the way to go to keep cool, and not become all sweatey (which also get’s Frank goeing)…DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
I think you’re right if they are also high.
OTOH, I have wrap dresses that are very deep (like to my lungs) and it is cami / fashion tape time. DVF, I’m looking at you.
Bonnie
Agreed. I’m so tired of having to wear camis under everything.
lawsuited
No kidding. A few years ago I decided I was no longer buying anything that required a camisole underneath it to make it wearable. It’s severely limited my choices, but getting dressed in the morning is much better.
Anonymous
Me too! I decided wearing a cami doesn’t spark joy.
Mindy
Ditto!
Bluestocking
Same – I no longer buy tops that require camis due to low necklines or transparent fabric. Significantly fewer choices of tops to buy, but getting dressed is so much easier!
BayStreet
+1 (along with everybody else!!)
I decided that wearing two shirts was just too much effort for everyday, especially when one of the main benefits of wearing a fluid, silky blouse is the feel of it without another layer. Not sure whether I am less tolerant of sheerness now compared to recent years or whether it is increasingly common, even amongst decently reputable retailers and brands… either way, no more see-through white tops, please and thanks!
Anonymous
As a less well endowed person, I always think the opposite. If I had something to fill out the top, the neckline would sit higher. With nothing to fill it out, the v-neck is going to hang down to my navel.
lawsuited
I mean, a bigger chest does fill out the top, but the low V shows the cleavage line. If I wore the top pictured, a full 6 inches of cleavage line would be visible, and I get that people don’t want to see my br3asts jammed together when they go to work. For whatever reason, chest skin is more acceptable than actual cleavage line.
Anonymous
But it’s not just showing chest skin. If the top is not filled out, everything shows when you move or lean forward.
lifer
+1
exactly
Anon
This – a million times. I’m “less well endowed” as well and I have a whole closet of camis for the same reason. wrap dresses, v-necks are all plunging necklines on me. I’ve learned to live (and to convert the old tv amoire into a cami closet.)
anon
Same build, same problem. The fabric just falls straight down off the cliff that is my chest. Same about showing everything when leaning forward.
As for cleavage lines, it does seem that some people’s are higher than others, like some people have low butt cracks so they could wear super-low rise pants unlike those with higher butt cracks.
Houda
I am less than an A cup and still wouldn’t wear this anywhere near my office
Lyssa
Ditto. I would feel really exposed, even though I couldn’t come up with cleavage in a bikini at 9 months pregnant.
KT
I love Talbots for this! Their jackets and sweaters are too boxy for me, but they have fantastic shells, tees and tanks.
If I wear even a scoopneck or normal V-neck I look downright vulgar, so Talbots has been a godsend.
I love their tie-front tees and the platinum jersey stand tee in particular (perfect narrow v-neck).
Jules
KT, I couldn’t spot the stand-neck tee you mentioned recently but I just ordered some of the Talbot’s platinum jersey tees in the rounded V-neck. Very hopeful that they will be my unicorn dressy tees (although I’d prefer short sleeves to the cap sleeves). Thanks for the rec!
KT
Boo! Here’s a direct link, but it looks like they only have a few limited sizes (if you’re a petite, they have tons of colors and discounted)
https://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi33663&recommended=true
Jules
Looks like they’re only available in Women’s sizes, drat. But this was what I had last year, short-sleeved, that became too large, so I’ll hope that Talbot’s makes this a regular item. Thanks.
Amazon
Finally, a benefit to being tall! Although I don’t think this top is intended for the workplace.
Bluestocking
As someone with a smaller cup size, I wouldn’t want to wear something like this because every time I move around or lean forward, anyone nearby would have a great view right down the front of my top. That’s not my preferred look at work or anywhere else.
VisaQ
Shot in the dark but an elderly relation of mine was just denied a tourist visa to come to the U.S. I suspect this was a glitch/mistake because there is really no reason for her to be denied: she is 70, still works as a doctor in the local hospital, has a large family in home country, lots of ties in the community, has been to the US many times and never overstayed her visa or had any issues with law enforcement either here or back home … Any ideas on what I can do? Rejection came back without explanation. I tried calling the US embassy in her area but so far I’ve been told they can’t tell me anything and then rerouted to other dead ends.
VisaQ
I should add that I am in the U.S. and a U.S. citizen, if that matters.
Jez
What country is the visitor coming from?
Visa issues
Contact your congressperson. They can make an inquiry for you, direct the inquiry to the right channels at the State Department, and advise on next steps. This happened all the time when I worked in a congressional office.
Anon
+1. I work for a member of Congress and our district staff does this all the time. Contact the local office instead of their office in DC; casework is done by the local staff.
Sad anon
What’s her religion/ home country/ citizenship? It could be as simple as she shares a name with someone who has now been put on the No Fly list or something like that.
VisaQ
Nothing controversial in either 3. Thanks, All! Called congressperson and waiting to hear back.
Bleu
Black heels are a workhorse in my closet and I’m constantly replacing them because they get damaged quickly. As a result, I usually end up buying a few cheap pairs every year. I recently came across a pair of patent leather Jimmy Choos that I ADORE and am now considering investing in a pair of high quality heels vs. constantly replacing the cheapies. Will the higher quality ones actually last longer – assuming I wearing them outside only occasionally? What’s your take on this? Better to invest in high quality for a shoe I will wear everyday or replace the cheap shoes?
lawsuited
I do find that mid-priced shoes (Cole Haan, Clarks) are more comfortable and last better than cheap shoes (Payless, Ald0) because they are made with better materials. But at a certain point, the increase in price is no longer related to an increase in quality. There’s really no difference in quality between a Cole Haan shoe and Jimmy Choo shoe; you’re paying for the cache of a luxury brand.
lifer
+1
And if you are hard on your shoes (which I am too…), it is even more devastating when your Jimmy Choos start to break down.
As I suspect the Jimmy Choo heel is not a wider, stable, great for walking type heel…. That’s the first to go for me.
But I do have a few pairs of pricey shoes, and I wear them very sparingly, and take exquisite care of them (cleaning/cobbler work). But then you lose the fun of wearing them often.
Anonymous
+1
Zelda
I leave my workhorse heels at work and commute in other shoes. This makes a huge difference in extending the life of my shoes.
Anonymous
I have a pair of black leather JCs and while I agree that maybe they’re sufficiently better than CHs to justify the price difference, I do make more of an effort to baby them, so they have lasted forever. I also feel like a total bad@SS when I wear them, and they give me tons of confidence despite being a very simple design. I love them.
BeenThatGuy
+1 to this. I baby all my fancy shoes ($250+). They last longer because I don’t drive or commute in them. And at any sign of wear and tear, I take them to the cobbler.
anon
This was one of my eternal debates for a while. After running through black pumps at the $100 price point, I wound up getting two pairs of Ferragamos (discounted…. but still) as “investment” shoes about a year ago. I have learned several things from this choice. First, I love walking into a room in those shoes. They’re gorgeous, they’re comfortable. Second, while they have held up very well so far, the biggest difference in how long my shoes last doesn’t seem to be the quality, per se, it’s how often I wear them and whether I don’t wear them outside or otherwise baby them. The heel of a Ferragamo *will* scrape in a side walk crack… they’re not made from titanium. Third, all leather shoes (and rotating wears) substantially reduce my foot sweat issues. All in all, I’m over my concept of shoes as an “investment” unless you’re diligent about not wearing them outside.
ChiLaw
In my experience, NOPE, not worth it. I get maybe, MAYBE, a month more out of “nice” shoes than out of Payless. This is coming from commuting by train and foot, in gross weather, so maybe it’s different for people who drive/live somewhere mild? But spending money on nice shoes has never been worth it for me. I suspect when people say “it’s an investment — it’ll last forever!” they, unlike me, don’t wear the *same* heels or boots every single day. I’m sure if I had 10 pairs of expensive shoes that I rotated through every two weeks they’d (seem to) last forever. But that ain’t the case. I’d skip it. #obviouslybeenburned
Anonymous
Don’t commute in your nice shoes! They will last so much longer.
anonymous
Does anyone know anything about running for elected office?I’m considering running for Congress and am trying to figure out how to start thinking about this.
Cb
I saw something on Twitter recently about this – She Should Run. I think each party has their own campaign for women in public office as well.
Anonymous
Eleanor’s Legacy and Emily’s List are two groups that are targeted at helping women run.
I’ve worked on several campaigns (State/Congressional) and the first thing you need to ask yourself is: Am I okay fundraising? Am I okay basically asking people for money constantly? In considering a future run, I really decided that fundraising was too much for me.
You should start by talking to your local party as well. Also, make sure you’re okay with everyone knowing everything about you and your family. Everyone has skeletons- you can be a squeaky clean saint, but everyone has a brother with a DWI or an aunt who was a Hell’s Angel.
anonymous
Does that really matter? Stuff like non-immediate relatives having DWIs and things like that?
Anonymous
Whether or not it matters, when you’re running for public office, you first need to realize that you can be scrutinized. It’s something that can come out and people might know about at some point.
It’s moreso a heads up that you’ll be totally exposed rather than me saying, ‘Don’t run.’ Especially if it’s a contested Congressional district.
anonymous
Yeah, that kind of exposure definitely freaks me out.
AnonAdvice
Congress is a big deal, but the local party even gets involved on smaller local races and can help with resources, fundraising, staff, etc. Definitely start there.
Anonymous
Start by joining your local political party.
Snick
+1, also consider running for local or state office before you set your sights on Congress. In my state, there are workshops every year or so for people interested in running for office (some aimed at women). Your local party should know about those opportunities, if available.
Anon4this
Another +1 for getting to know local party leaders and starting out on a small scale. Almost all of the successful candidates of my party in my state are hand-picked by this kind of behind the scenes group of wealthy donors and influential community leaders. I only discovered this because I work for one of the community leaders and he has mentioned off-hand about these kinds of people getting together and making strategic decisions for the party. I imagine these kinds of behind closed doors strategy sessions are not uncommon across the US. Not saying this to be discouraging, but just recognize that it’s really hard to just get up one day and say I’m running for Congress without some kind of connection to your local party.
anonymous
Got it. Do these ties need to be longstanding? Like do I need to live in a district and know these people for many many years?
Snick
Not necessarily years, but people will need to be convinced that you are electable and would be a good candidate. Is there anything in your background that would show you can campaign effectively? Do you have political connections and the ability to raise funds? Do you have any name recognition in your congressional district? Any public speaking experience? Since it sounds like you have not been involved with a political party, have you been involved in community organizations (Rotary etc)? Have you been involved in any public causes as a volunteer, such as a school referendum, that demonstrate your advocacy skills? I’d also suggest that you do some networking with people who currently or formerly held public office, both for the connections and to get some practical advice on creating a path to public office.
Anon
In my opinion, you should run for office if you really care about a place/community, are invested in helping it succeed, and have the capability (both connections and know how) to do so. The members of Congress that fit those criteria are the ones that actually make a difference for the people back home that elected them, and that’s what really matters. I should mention that those local connections matter not just in terms of getting the nod from some clandestine party leadership structure–which is a factor sometimes–but in terms of knowing the right people to get input/feedback from when your job is to represent that community in Washington.
I would seriously encourage you to run for a local office first. You will know the issues affecting your community much, much better; you will build a network of people that know and trust you (community leaders as well as everyday citizens); and you will know whether or not you actually like or are good at being an elected official.
Semi-nonymous
Yes, this. TL:DR – if your local party doesn’t think you are party line enough, it’s really hard if not impossible to get support, and your family will be harassed by
My husband is currently a local elected official (in an area with non-partisan elections), and he was approached to run in the most recent primary for Congress. He would be running against a current Congressperson that is one of the most extreme on [thatside], with a Congressional district that has been gerrymandered to be slanted toward [thatside], while my husband is a fairly moderate [thisside], and our town is one of the few [thisside] areas in the district. The county party in our area didn’t like that my husband was a moderate, not a party-line [thisside] voter, and even though 75% of the county party officials are not actually in our Congressional district due to the gerrymandering, they moved to block my husband from running, and went out and recruited someone that is 100% party line but has absolutely no government experience.
While we were in the consideration phase (about a month) we also met with some staffers that had worked on other Congressional and Senatorial races in our area. In addition to a lot of overall discussion about how much work it was going to be, they had their people go out and investigate H’s voting record, statements he’s made in newspapers and to try to dig up dirt on H and our family, just to see what was out there that the other side could use against us. Then they presented it and said “how would you feel if this were the headline story in the regional newspaper?” The “dirt” they dug up wasn’t anything too bad, and it was all true, but the idea of people being that deep in our personal lives definitely made me squirm.
In the end we didn’t go through with it, because H still has a good locally elected position, we didn’t want to fight with the local party before even getting into the actual election, and we didn’t feel like having our lives under a microscope right now. But it’s not 100% off the table for the future, either for Congress or another regional position.
But I highly encourage you to get involved at the local level if you are considering running for a higher office someday- there is a LOT to learn in the early days of how business actually happens in elected office.
Semi-nonymous
oops, didn’t finish my TL:DR – your family could be harassed by the local media, digging up really old dirt, and you may have to fund raise a crap-ton of money.
It’s from the spouse’s perspective, not the person actually running, but I really recommend reading “And His Lovely Wife” by Connie Schultz for an inside perspective on the campaign trail.
Lyssa
If you do decide to, please let us know how it goes! It’s not something that I would ever do, but it’s really interesting to me. Good luck!
bridget
You ate looking at the 2018 election cycle. (That is a statement and not a question; even if signatures are not due yet for 2016, you just do not have enough ramp-up time).
Basic questions:
Open seat or would you be challenging an incumbent? Contested primary? Is the party tapping anyone else to run? Is the incumbent in your party or the opposite party?
How does the district compare to your own views? Look at how the district has voted in gubernatorial and presidential elections. The overall state climate is less important than the district itself.
Have you ever lost a previous election? It looks bad if you lost for a state legislative seat and now want Congress.
Who would be on your team? You need a campaign manager, treasurer, website people, and an army of volunteers.
Would you be able to keep working, or be able to take time iff, when campaigning? Campaigning is a full tume job.
What are your connections to the district? Have you lived there for years, or are you new?
To do now:
Attend a candidate’s school workshop. Your projected start date for launching is in September of 2017.
Clean up any social media profiles.
Attend party meetings and get to know the powers that be.
Volunteer on someone’s campaign this year. You will get to meet people who are active in politics.
Ask your family if they are omay with this. It is not just a you decision.
Start to put yourself out there as an expert panelist on TV shows, writing op-eds, etc.
attend media training. Seriously, so important.
anonymous
Thank you, bridget. This is very helpful. All of you have been very helpful.
Anon in NYC
Something you might enjoy is the Candidate Confessional podcast. It interviews people who have run for office and lost and their perspectives on their campaign. It’s really interesting!
Legally Brunette
I read this s i t e every day (I won’t lie, several times a day) and am consistently amazed at the type of questions posed here and all of the incredibly thoughtful and insightful answers. I love this group of women!
bridget
You’re welcome!
A few more thoughts (in no particular order):
If you have potential, and you hang around political stuff enough, someone will ask you about running for office. My suggestion is to say that you are thinking about it, are exploring which offices would be a good fit, and discuss *why* you want to do it.
Two of the reasons to get to know people who are running for office, and hanging around campaigns, is that (a) some people campaign *really badly*, and (b) some political consultant/volunteer types are either completely incompetent or almost criminal. As to the latter: you’ll figure out which ones you want on your team, and who to avoid. (I have heard stories about someone who will volunteer for campaigns, build some of their web presence, and then block the candidates out of their own websites/social media profiles and demands to be paid for access to them. I really do not want something like that happening to you.)
As to the former: please do not be that person who never wrote thank-you notes because she wanted to hand-write each and every one, and, lacking time for that, never got any done. Please do not be the person who underestimates the importance of meeting voters, and focuses almost exclusively on political events. Please do not be that person who is so focused on the perfect, bestest fundraiser ever that it gets planned in a big rushed mess, and no one comes because they only found out like three days in advance. Yes, proofreading is important, and you don’t want your friend to throw your entire stack of flyers in the trash because they say “Repubican.” (Of all the letters to omit, “L” is the worst, IMHO.)
Campaigning is a skill. Learn the basics before you announce.
Jeans recommendations?
Can I get recommendations for workplace-ideal jeans? I just accepted a position at a firm with a casual dress code and I’d like to have a few new pairs to put together some nice outfits. Ideal specs are bootcut or trouser, minimal stretch, mid rise (I have a short torso), and dark rinse w/minimal distressing. I’m willing to pay up to $200 for high quality but would prefer to keep it under $100 if possible. Thanks in advance!
AIMS
I like BR’s trouser jean for this. Under a $100 and you can usually find a promo code to make it around $65.
KT
NYDJ dark wash or black Hayden or Barbara jeans. No distressing, very sleek looking.
KT
I love these (NYDJ is also awesome for plus sizes)
http://amzn.to/1oFhX7d
Anonymous2
+1 for NYDJ. Nordstroms website, size down.
Runner 5
I have a pair of Per Una (usually yuk internal brand at M&S) ‘slim bootcut’ trouser jeans which I love for this. I bought them specifically for casual Fridays when I started working.
CHJ
My favorite jeans for work are J. Crew’s matchstick jeans. With the caveat that you should try them on in-store if you can — there’s a lot of variation among the rinses and some are perfect straight leg, mid-rise, thick material, and others are thin and stretchy like jeggings. (Why, J. Crew, WHY?)
Anonymous
Yepppp. I have two pairs of jeans and both are jcrew matchstick. One I love love love the material and the other ends up saggy and stretchy by the end of the day. Unfortunately the better material is the more casual wash.
Anonymous
Gap’s “authentic” line of jeans have little to no stretch and come in lots of different cuts.
Killer Kitten Heels
This is waaaaay down market, but Old Navy has “flare” jeans this season that I’ve found have more of a trouser-cut look than a true 70s flare, so if you’re looking for trouser cut, I’d recommend them.
Oil in Houston
hello hive! my husband and I are thinking of going for a long weekend to DC with a very active 16-month old in May. I’ve never been and this will be our first city weekend getaway with baby so would love opinions and advice!
Will we be able to enjoy the museums and monuments with the baby, stroller etc? I’m assuming there are parks with playgrounds are those to let her run to her heart’s content so she isn’t too bored whilst we see museums?
Where would you suggest we stay? I normally book something with airbnb for convenience in the evenings, and would prefer a place that’s walkable or a very easy commute so we can go back for the afternoon nap. We currently live in Houston, so got very used to driving around and I’m not used to navigating a stroller in public transportation. (spoiled much!)
thanks in advance!
Anonymous
Depends on your baby. How does she do hanging out in the stroller now? Is she down to chill there while you go shopping at home?
Oil in Houston
she is ok in a stroller for about an hour, after she needs to run around. So we would plan museum visits around her morning nap, when she naps for about 45mn and is happy to do it in her stroller.
anon
There are also museums that are great for kids that age — Building Museum and the new Wegman’s Wonderplace at the Smithsonian come to mind.
Anonymous
The metro can be kind of a pain with strollers. You’re not supposed to take strollers on escalators (although many people do, especially umbrella strollers) and using the elevators is often stinky and difficult. Is she too big for baby wearing?
The good news is most of the museums are right on the mall, so plenty of room to frolic!
SuziStockbroker
I second the baby wearing rec if she is not too heavy (maybe Dad could do it?). I tagged along on a business trip of my husband’s when my daughter was 16 months (and I was 5 months pregnant with my son). I loved not having to have the stroller with me all the time. I did purchase an umbrella stroller, and used that when we were doing long walks and in restaurants in the evenings.
She was a lightweight at 16 months, maybe 22 lbs, so it wasn’t too tiring, even though I was pregnant, and she’d sleep very contentedly in there. YMMV.
Spirograph
No recs on where to stay, but yes, Mall / Smithsonians / Monuments are all very easy for toddlers and strollers. Most of the museums have a hands-on section for little kids. We usually take our kids (one of whom is about 16 months) there first, and then we push them in the stroller and they nap while we look at the quieter exhibits. The National Zoo is great for kids, but is very crowded at this time of year — go early in the day and pack your patience if you’re doing that, esp with a stroller, and be aware that you can’t bring strollers in most of the buildings (but there’s plenty to see outside, and stroller parking next to the indoor exhibits if you can’t resist).
All the monuments are fairly stroller-friendly, as is Metro on the weekends. You will likely do a LOT of walking, so if you have more than one stroller, bring the one that’s most comfortable, even if it’s huge. For the love of everything, if your long weekend includes a Friday or Monday, please do not try to push your stroller on the metro during a weekday rush hour.
Anonymous
What’s your hotel budget? There are a few hotels in the penn quarter/chinatown area which would be close to most of the smithsonian museums, but it’s not a cheap area. Try Hotel Monaco Penn Quarter.
Oil in Houston
I would really prefer to rent a flat for the weekend, so she can have a r0om to sleep in, and we can chill / have a glass of wine / watch a movie without waking her up. Strong preference as I said to places we can walk to or take an easy bus ride (I hear you all about stroller in metro at rush hour, I used to live in London), and I’d rather stay under $200 a night if I’m honest.
Emmer
There should be a good number of AirBnBs in Penn Quarter – lots of really nice condo buildings. I can’t think of a playground in that area, but the area around the Washington Monument is just lots of open grassy space not near traffic, so your daughter can run around there. Like others said the Building Museum has tons of great hands-on stuff. I’d also see if the Kennedy Center has any kids’ concerts the weekend you are there. The building is magnificent.
You are going to have to do a lot of walking to see the monuments and museums no matter what though – they are all spread out for about 2 miles along the Mall. Look at the Washington Circulator routes if you need transport along the way; it’s only a dollar and easy to navigate with a stroller on the weekend.
DC Potomac Ave
Also look at places (airbnb) on the Hill – by capitol south and eastern market. They’re only a couple stops from the museums on the mall and you’d be able to easily walk to supreme court, capitol, library of congress, etc. There’s also a lot of restaurants in that part of town and a couple good parks / open spaces for the kid to run around.
As someone who commutes daily during rush hour w/a stroller and 7 month old, it’s not that bad! I swear :)
PolyD
Also remember that the Zoo and the Smithsonians are free, so you can duck in, look around for a few minutes, and leave if the little one loses patience without having invested $$.
Anonymous
This is my favorite thing about DC! We try to go to a museum every weekend. Sometimes we don’t make it through more than one exhibit before we have to fall back to running around on the mall, but there’s always next time.
The Building Museum, though, has an admission charge. In all other respects, it’s great for kids, but that one’s dicier for getting your money’s worth. :)
Meg Murry
But don’t’ forget that while the museums are free, the food prices in the museums are very high (at least to me, coming from a LCOL area) for what you get – so bring some snack foods with you or pick up some near where you are staying so you don’t wind up paying arms and legs for food your kid won’t eat – been there, done that.
Jules
You might consider renting a place through Airbnb or VRBO in Crystal City/Pentagon City/Arlington in Virginia. There seem to be a lot of apartments there with family-friendly amenities and many are very close to Metro stops that are on the same line as the stops that are nearest the Smithsonian/National Mall (blue and yellow), so it would be an easy hop back and forth. I’m not a fan of zoos, but if you are okay with them the National Zoo is also easily accessible by Metro (red line)
CX
If you want to make the best of your time in DC do NOT stay across the river in rystal City/Pentagon City/Arlington. Yes, you’ll save a little on hotels, but extra metro time with a stroller would be utterly not worth the savings.
You might want to check out UberFAMILY too, cabs with carseats: https://help.uber.com/h/3abcbae1-132b-42a9-8277-0dab00fa3879
CapHillAnon
Putting in a suggestion for air bnbs on the Hill too, especially those around the Cap South metro–that would be a 15 minute walk to the southeast corner of the Smithsonians (the Botanical garden would be the first one you come across, and it is *great* for running around at that age.) Also take a look at the Smithsonian event calendar as you plan. Sometimes there are fantastic puppet shows and other very-small-child oriented shows at the Discovery Theater, which is near the Smithsonian Castle.
Anonymous
All I can say is — go to the zoo. There’s even a small playground there for a break. Monuments and museums will be fine. If you are downtown at one of the museums around the mall, I’d make sure you know where you are going to eat. It can be kind of hard figuring out restaurants/museum cafeterias if you don’t know them.
LLBMBA
We went to Italy for 2 weeks with a very active 16-month old and it was pretty great. We kept the rhythm of the day pretty similar to home (i.e. naps, meals, etc.) and had to adapt our travel-style accordingly, but it was fun. Most challenging was dinner, as he wasn’t keen on sitting for very long, so someone tended to do circuits with him while the other ate, and then exchanged. But yes – parks, etc. are your friend. We saw the Last Supper and David and he did great both times (there for a good time, not a long time!)
Style shift help!
I need help with some tweaks to my work wardrobe. I’m in a somewhat male-dominated industry: age, near 50, middle management. My current business casual is mostly Talbots – pants and button down shirts untucked (tailoring them so not sloppy), and cardigans. I’d like to add some tweaks to make this more sporty, less ladylike, to give me a more “I’m one of you and I can roll up my sleeves and work with you ” vibe- skewing it a little more youthful and athletic. Any brands or stores you can suggest for clothes, shoes, watches? I’m generally at 100$ per item range.
Houda
Disclaimer: I love being feminine but I understand that this is not the first thing I want people to notice. What I do is mirror the practicality level of the male colleagues, and do anything that would make me look “high maintenance” as discreetly as possible. The following tips work for me when I am in that “one of the guys” mood:
I wear exclusively sleeved dresses with pockets to be able to move between meeting rooms fast when the guys run around in shirts no jackets. If they wear a jacket, I throw on my blazer too, but never grab a purse. I have managed to squeeze everything in my laptop bag so I don’t look like a bag lady (nothing wrong with that, but staying on topic of this thread).
I wear comfortable shoes that allow me to walk at a very dynamic pace, up and down the stairs, run in the airports etc.
Some colleagues get more noticed because they wear uncomfortable heels and have to go down the stairs sideway, cannot balance few things and walk fast etc.
I still look put together but not like a delicate person who is slowing everyone else.
Anon
Houda, can you recommend a brand for sleeveless dresses with pockets (and also your favorite comfortable shoes)? That style of dressing is exactly what I aspire to – feminine-practical.
Houda
Hello,
I buy my sleeveless dresses from Mango, they have a line called “Mango Suit”.
Sleeved dresses are from Tahari by ASL from Nordstrom or Century 21.
Shoes are from Clarks, not flimsy ballet flat but proper shoes with arch support and a large flat heel.
Aurora
I also try to limit my wardrobe to dresses with sleeves, and I keep an eye out for pockets too. The pickings are slim at any given time but there’s almost always something – for instance, right now Tahari and Vince Camuto both have nearly identical dresses
I also keep a pinterest board of dresses with sleeves (you can find it by clicking on my name), and have a shopstyle alert for dress+sleeve+pockets. If you’re willing to browse online somewhat regularly, it’s doable!
lawsuited
My MIL is your age and works as a high-level manager in a sports-related field. She wears a lot of dark wash trouser jeans (NYDJ, Gap, LE) with flat Chelsea boots or black ankle pants (JNY, AT, Lord & Taylor) with dressy sneakers, dressy t-shirts (BR, Eddie Bauer) or longer blouses (BR, AT) untucked, with long blazers (Talbots, MK) or a leather jacket or a sport-fabric jacket (Eddie Bauer, Under Armour). We shop together a lot, which maybe helps keep it youthful because I veto a lot of stuff that might skew dowdy, so if you have a fashion-minded DIL, take her along!
TheElms
I would ditch the cardigan, as that reads particularly feminine to me. I think the suggestion by lawsuited of a leather jacket would be great. Or something that reads more utility/military like this http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women-39-s-legend-wash-stretch-blazer/21104576/_/A-ebSku_0113930283001010__21104576_catalog10002_en__US?showProducts=111&color=485
In terms of tops I would steer towards tops that have patterns that a man might wear, as opposed to floral or cutsey.
Style shift help!
Thanks all. Any ideas for summer flats also welcome! I added a couple of Eddie Bauer tops last winter so I’ll continue checking there. The Under Armour jacket is the exact kind of change I’m looking for. I am trying to back away from the cardi’s and already doing menswear color tops…thanks for the good suggestions!
lawsuited
For flats, I love the MK Fulton Moccasins, because they are a dressy flat that doesn’t look mom-ish (like a regular mocassin can) or girl-ish (like a ballet flat can):
http://www.michaelkors.ca/fulton-leather-contrast-moccasin/_/R-CA_40T8FUFP2L?No=12&color=0001
Adding a leather sneaker might also be a great way to look youthful and practical. I think som a pair like these would be perfect (and Nine West, Vince Camuto and Clarks have similar pairs):
http://www.michaelkors.ca/keaton-perforated-leather-slip-on-sneaker/_/R-CA_43S6KTFP1L?No=6&color=1999
Anonymous
Unless you work in an environment that is related to sports or is super casual and others are wearing them, I would avoid an Under Armour jacket or white sneakers. In a business casual environment, it may look sloppy or like you don’t understand the rules.
Style shift help!
I like the Fulton moc (have to get over the logo). I have size 9.5 feet so the sneaker idea may not work. But bus casual for us in the summer can get pretty casual. A sleek UnderArmor outerwear jacket will be great for spring. We also have jean Friday so I’m following the thread above…
Parfait
I have a black leather jacket that’s cut in a blazer-ish style and it is great for toughening up one’s outfits.
Anonymous
I agree with ditching the cardigans and replacing them with jackets.
Fjallraven
Are the Fjallraven tote bags any good? I think they look nice and durable, but I usually prefer cross body bags and am hesitant to spend to much on a tote if it’s not that style. Would they be good for carrying a laptop around? My priority is protecting my back and neck over fashion, but I’d still like it to be somewhat attractive looking. TIA!
Fjallraven
Ugh, too, obviously. Where is that edit button when you need it…
Anonymous
I have the totepack, which is a tote that can also be a backpack- I don’t think it’s great for a laptop unless you have your own protective case. It’s better than a purse, but maybe not as good as one of their backpacks that has actual straps. It’s a really durable material, I love my totepack for carrying lunch and gym stuff.
Anonymous
Do you withhold the fact that you have small children in an interview?
I tend to keep it under wraps even when the interview questions steer toward “what do you do for fun” type questions and I feel weird about it. But employment discrimination is real– both conscious and subconscious– and I don’t want to sink my chances based on assumptions about my work ethic. Do any of you do this?
NYC tech
Yep. There’s no reason to bring them up, so why would I? It’s far more likely to hurt than help. I’m in the interview to maximize my chances of getting a job, not to have enjoyable and candid chit-chat.
anonymous
Yes. I know people think this is extreme, but I take my wedding ring off for job interviews. I’m young and don’t want it to be assumed that I’m just here until I make babies. My field is very male-dominated though.
Anonymous
I personally see no reason to bring up kids in interviews. (I understand though the people who say- if they aren’t open to my kids then I don’t want to work there anyway!)
When people ask “what do you do for fun” they’re only trying to figure out if you’re human and genuine (or they’re just trying to make small talk). Tell them “I like to spend time outside, hiking, bike riding, etc” or “I read a lot so I spend time at the library” or “I’ve always loved musical theatre, so I try to see performances around town.”
Not answering that question with “I have two kids under 5, so mostly just chasing them around” is not hiding your children.
CHJ
I’m the opposite – I intentionally mention that I have a toddler if the “what do you do on weekends” question comes up. If an employer is so family unfriendly that they wouldn’t offer me the job if they knew I had a toddler, then I really don’t want that job.
anon
This. Also I think in a lot of ways it makes me seem more mature (although I’m now hitting the age, 32, where I don’t need that) but being a parent usually bonds people – and the people I’m interviewing with generally have pictures of their kids up on their walls. If they don’t, I’m much less likely to let it come up.
Bee
It depends whether you’re looking for a job because you really need one RIGHTTHISMINUTE, regardless of what the job is, or if you’re looking to make a move to a position that’s a better fit. If the former, I would hesitate to bring up kids. If the latter, I agree with CHJ – you don’t want the job if the employer would think less of you for being a mom.
I actually think it’s a good thing to talk about your family or whatever makes you happy. Your interviewers want to hire someone that they will want to work with. What better way to seem like a happy, likable person than to talk about something that brings you joy?
Anonymous
They’re not “only trying to figure out if you’re human and genuine” –they’re fishing for information that’s illegal to ask.
Anon
I posted yesterday about being a 40 year old second year associate doing exclusively data entry and proofreading. I’m in regulatory healthcare, and this is the same work all the other juniors seem to have as well.
I’ve been with my firm for 6 months now and have a mid-year review coming up. Do I say anything about wanting more substantive work?
I have repeatedly asked for more substantive work. It seems at my firm you don’t get substantive work until your 5th year. I like the people and the environment, and the firm seems very invested in me (sending me to conferences other associates don’t get to go to, “better” data entry assignments, etc). One partner in particular who sees herself as my mentor I know would be hurt to hear of my departure. But I cannot and will not sit around for years to come waiting on substantive work.
Do I ask, yet again, for substantive work? Or do I secretly let it ride until I find another job and announce my departure? Do I indicate, even a little bit, that data entry isn’t working for me? We’re small, family-like team, and I’d feel bad simply walking in and giving my notice without giving them a chance to address it. I think they’re really sort of oblivious to the idea that the associates are not just dissatisfied, but actively looking for the door.
TheElms
If all the associates at your level do this work, I think raising it is unlikely to change anything. Also there seems to be a lot of this type of work to get done, so the firm needs it to be done. If it were me, I would just look for a new job.
If you worry about burning bridges with your mentor or might like to be able to return to this firm when you are more senior, I might try and raise the issue with a solution in mind, accepting that you aren’t likely to be able to go to 100% substantive work but maybe a transition to more substantive work could be managed. The obvious one is for you to supervise a paralegal or 1st /2nd year so that you have more time available for substantive work when you are a third year.
mascot
Sure, you can ask for substantive work at your review, but I think you should also be actively looking for another position. Don’t feel bad about this. You’ve asked for substantive work, you aren’t really getting it, and furthermore, there appears to be a firm culture of not giving substantive work to junior associates. I’m also regulatory/corporate healthcare, have worked at a variety of firms of all sizes, and have always had some manner of substantive work. Yes, there has been a share of data entry/proofreading/due diligence, but I think that is sometimes related to staffing. And for some “data entry” like filling out licensure forms or the like, there is some benefit to having an attorney do it over the client to make sure the answers are accurate, even though on the surface it just looks like cut and paste.
Anonymous
I think, to some degree, partners expect (or don’t care that) associates are always actively looking to leave. Especially if they’re using them for data-entry- because those associates are completely replaceable.
I worked at a large firm for a couple years doing similar work. From a business perspective, it was the most profitable way to bill out associates. And that department was one of the more profitable groups in the firm.
I know it’s mind-numbing and feels like a step backwards, but my genuine advice would be “be the best data-entry associate that firm has ever seen” and in a couple years when your hourly rate makes it impossible for them to use you in that capacity (and you’ve established that you’re a work horse who does the job asked of you), you’re going to get to work with the best partners on the best assignments.
I think one thing that is REALLY under-discussed with young associates is that leaving and starting over at a new firm is so so so hard. And rarely worth it.
Anonymous
Hi Anonymous – can you share more info on why it’s hard to start over at a firm for young associates and why it’s rarely worth it? I’m interested to learn more about this. Thanks!
Anonymous
I totally disagree with your last paragraph. I’ve seen lots of people successfully lateral before the two year mark, and many of them stayed at the new place for five years or more. Sometimes your first firm just isn’t a good fit.
Anonymous
I’m Anonymous at 10:29. I don’t mean to say it never works out. I just mean to say we never talk about why sometimes it doesn’t and how often it doesn’t. And how hard that move can be.
Lateraling before the two year mark often can put you back at square one with your new firm, effectively erasing your prior work experience, as far as your new firm is concerned. Sometimes it’s because they bring you in a class year or two behind your actual graduating class, sometimes it’s because your actual class year colleagues at the new firm have two years of experience with that particular firm and those particular partners. Also, remember that 6 months to a year you spent working like a madman, saying yes to every social event, and being the Best Associate Ever trying to establish a good reputation? You get to do that all over again at your new firm. You also never know what you’re going to get with a new firm- if you’re lucky enough to have a friend at the new firm who can give you real insight into why the new firm is better than the old firm, that’s great. But more often than not you’re going in somewhat blind as to whether you will really get better work, more exposure, more work-life balance, etc.
All I mean to say is that it’s easy to get caught up in the 1-3 year outlook on a job (especially now that people rarely stay at jobs for 30+ years), but if your firm does seem like a decent place to work, you like the people you work with, and you’ve seen the problems you have with your job get resolved by time, experience and seniority, maybe consider sticking it out. On the other hand, if firm life is just about getting as much experience as you can as fast as you can to parlay that into an in-house gig, the problem you have with your job won’t get resolved on your schedule and in your time frame.
anon
Yeah, I latereled junior (because of a move to a new city) and got bumped down a class year. Also I spent so much time learning new systems that it erased a lot of the helpful knowledge I had gained at my first firm. So I agree with this point. Maybe it only sets you back six months to a year, but that can feel like a lot at this stage in your career.
Anonymous
I think you need to tread carefully here. I am in a corporate/m&a/securities practice and never had to do data entry, but there are always junior associates who come in and complain about having to do due diligence rather than drafting/negotiating. To be honest, it makes me wary about hiring juniors who had a prior career before law school because they’re more likely to act as though they’re too good for the work. It’s really irritating as a mid-senior level associate to deal with someone who denigrates work you did yourself. Unlike straight data entry, due diligence provides great training opportunities, however. Is there any value to this work for you or is it truly something a temp could do? If the former, try to be patient and less hyper about getting next step work. If the latter, start looking for a new job or see if you can cross train in general litigation.
OP
Working my way up is so ingrained in me that’s why I haven’t questioned data entry until now. And I do mean data entry. Due diligence is a special treat around here.
We do lots of ACA compliance right now. So we’ll get HR records from an employer and it’s my job to type those records from however the employer gives them to us into an excel spreadsheet and say John Doe was employed Date to Date and was/not offered coverage and the penalty is $X. We have undergrad pre-law interns helping us out when we have a bunch.
I mean, I’m sitting here thinking, “I surely didn’t go to law school for this. And I surely didn’t have my prior career for this.” But I was taught you have to start at the bottom and I didn’t want to be one of the people you describe…but the undergrad interns are making me feel a bit ridiculous. I mean, I’m pretty sure a bright high schooler could do this.
Coach Laura
I see the OP’s point both here and in yesterday’s post – she’s not just complaining that the work is boring data entry, it’s just that in two or three years’ time, she would not have gotten as much experience doing meaningful 1st-2nd-3rd year attorney work when compared to someone who is at a firm where they get to do due diligence or doc review or researching and drafting briefs/memos/whatever. And being bored for 2-3 years, for some people, is even worse than the potential stagnation factor for a career.
Not being in law though, I can’t believe it’s cost effective to hire junior lawyers for something a temp or a college grad could do. Perhaps the firm is making a huge profit on it because they pass on the costs to the client by saying “Look how important your work is- we have lawyers do it for you!”
As for OP’s question, given that you’ve asked for more substantive work previously, I wouldn’t make a strong push again at your review as it might be annoying and end up with the same result (more data entry). And you risk coming off as entitled as the above poster says, even though I’m sure you’re not acting or being entitled. I would save my energy for looking for a new, better job and just do a good, accurate job. It would be interesting to hear how the data entry is addressed at the review though.
And if your mentor is savvy, she will understand why you’re leaving. You can have a candid talk with her when you have an offer in hand and are giving your resignation. I don’t think that that would burn bridges, unless the team members are vindictive, in which case you probably wouldn’t want to stay there anyway. Good luck!
Bewitched
I agree with the “too good for the work” comment, but since there have been other associates in the same field at different law firms doing meaningful work, I think it’s best for her to look for another firm. She could stay and do the mind numbing work for two or three more years, or she can lateral somewhere else where she will perhaps do 50% mind numbing work and 50% substantive. You have to be realistic though, you are not going to be doing unsupervised, senior associate work as a second year, no matter what your background.
Mindy
I think this is good advice. I got up to the start of my 4th year in one practice (litigation) and then decided that the fit/practice wasn’t for me and started over in corporate at a new firm and having been a junior once, I understood the drill but did my best because I knew that I’d be supervising diligence/grunt work soon enough and unless you’ve done it well under a good supervisor, it’s difficult to teach. Also, diligence is where you find out or miss the stuff that can get you into litigation.
Showing that you’re good at the “grunt” work means you usually will get moved up faster as people definitely notice when you’re thinking about it versus going through the motions (I’m now a third year corporate associate and I can tell when first and second years are just slacking or when they’re trying but missing things).
As for Anon at 11:29’s comment – I don’t think that a firm timeline necessarily matters (1 year vs 3 years) as much as the specifics of where you’re coming from to where you’re going.
wedding bells
My boyfriend and I are in our 30s and have been dating about nine months. I have made it clear from the get-go that I want to eventually marry someone and have babies. He has always been a bit less gung-ho about the future, saying that part of him wants marriage/children and part of him is scared to take that step. I’ve been sympathetic to this but also consistent with my needs/wants. We essentially decided that if he still felt completely unsure about the future at the year mark, we’d go our separate ways.
Boyfriend’s sister and her family live nearby, and I see them often. We’re very friendly. Two weeks ago, his mother came to town and I met her for the first time. I spent a lot of time with his family and we hit it off.
The day after his mom left, boyfriend came to me and basically said he was stupid to ever doubt a future with me. That he wants to get married and buy a house together sometime in the next year. I asked him why the sudden change, and he said that seeing me interact with his family made him realize he really sees me as a partner. Suddenly we’re having major conversations about how to raise children, finances, religion.
As much as I’m overjoyed, I’m also a little cautious by the sudden switch. He is sending me real estate listings and wants to go to open houses this weekend. Have any of you experienced a partner suddenly enthusiastic about marriage? For those of you who were once opposed to marriage, did you experience a sudden change like this?
Anon
Hm. I’d be skeptical, too.
That said, I felt my entire life that I didn’t want children. I divorced a great guy because he wanted children and I didn’t. Then I met someone new and my whole world turned upside down when I discovered I wanted a family with him. So it’s possible, I’d just take it with a grain of salt for now. Therapy for him, perhaps?
ezt
I don’t think suggesting therapy to someone for saying they want to marry you is really the way to go.
To me, this sounds totally reasonable. It’s not like he started out saying he did not want marriage or kids. He wasn’t sure. I know when I decided my husband was the one, it was like a switch flipped. It’s that old When Harry Met Sally line…when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Jax
I don’t think therapy is needed, but it’s not a bad idea to talk about premarital counseling. Children, religion, family traditions, finances, etc. are all hot button issues that both sides can get really worked up over. If nothing else, there are books out there that could start the discussion.
I’d pause on the real estate listings and focus more on “What will our marriage/our future family look like? What will we value? What does marriage mean to each of us? Is this a life-long commitment or are we only together until it stops being fun?”
My husband and I went through premarital counseling through church (not forced, we volunteered) and I think it absolutely set the game plan for our marriage. We went from two impulsive 20-somethings to two adults intentionally building a relationship and a family legacy. We had all the hard conversations (stay-at-home parenting? joint finances? kids at home on Christmas morning or okay to travel?) well before we were faced with the problem. It helped make life milestones easier and more of a team effort–we already had a plan.
Congratulations!
Coach Laura
+1 to all of Jax’s comments.
lifer
This is a bit startling. But I’ll be honest…. I know a lot of men that date and date for years, and then suddenly they decide…. it’s time. It is not even the woman. It is just the timing. So I have seen these decisions made incredibly fast.
So I actually like his “reason” for suddenly deciding he’s ready to consider marriage with you. It’s more substantial I have seen than my other guy friends!
However, you have only been with this guy for 9 months, and this is definitely fast.
So why not continue to have the conversations, and see where it goes.
Mindy
I agree with this. Guys are just weird. They just wake up one day and they’re like, oh, it’s time. (versus women who are told from age 5 that their goal in life is to get married, UGH!)
Anonymous
The explanation about seeing you interact with his family makes a lot of sense to me. It’s a “how I knew __ was the one” moment for a lot of people. It could also be that since you’re nearing your “deadline” he’s been thinking about what life without you would be like and the thought of losing you makes him miserable. And it’s not like he did a 180 from saying “I NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED” to “Let’s get married today and have all the babies!” He just said he was unsure about the future before and now he is more confident. Totally normal. “Major conversations” about children, finances, religion isn’t rushing things at this point. You’ve been together 9 months. You should be having those conversations. To use a SATC analogy, his cab light switched on. Enjoy it and be happy together! I think you’re overthinking this.
mascot
I agree with all of this. His reservations before sounded like he wasn’t sure he was ready. And now he thinks he’s ready. This is time for all of those conversations and explorations of whether two ready people are a good fit for each other. These are all positive things and completely normal.
Nati
Agreed! I think his explanation is totally resonable.
Delta Dawn
Also agree with this! It sounds like he’s doing exactly what you hoped he’d do. And his rationale sounds legitimate and even admirable. Good for you both!
Anonymous
My now-husband was ambivalent about marriage until his grandma sat him down and told him how much she loved me and how much she loved us together. He said he always knew he wanted to be with me indefinitely, but it took a conversation with his grandma (who knows him better than anyone) to really feel strongly about the actually getting married. I don’t have any reason to question his feelings for me or his grandmother’s role in his life. We took another year to think about what it would mean to get married and (for me) to make sure the feeling didn’t wear off. He may have gotten there on his own eventually, but grandma just helped him feel reassured.
I wouldn’t necessarily question your boyfriend’s motives, especially if there’s no other factors or reasons to. It’s ok to indulge the side of him that wants to go to open houses. But take it slow, don’t make any rash decisions, and give him time to “come down” from this feeling and move forward in a level-headed way.
BeenThatGuy
I think this might be a case of you being scared to finally get what you want. Many of us are let down in our relationships so it’s hard to except when things actually go your way.
He got the “sign” he needed that he’s finally ready. Stop overthinking it and enjoy it!
Anonymous
I would guess that he’d been thinking about marriage for awhile and now he finally feels ready to vocalize it. I think it’s great! I understand why you’re surprised but roll with it and be grateful you guys are on the same page.
anonymous
I have been in this situation a couple of times- not with regards to marriage, but equally big things in life. I’ve felt like I struggled to know the way forward or to come to terms with something I feel like I probably want, and then one day everything is clear and I feel certain about that thing.
If you don’t see any other red flags and it feels genuine to you, just enjoy it.
Emmer
I’m just struggling to think of a possible bad intent behind this switch. I hope you value yourself enough not to think that he’d be crazy to want everything that you want and spend his life with you! Relax and enjoy.
Bee
If you want a wedding, then by the time you get around to actually getting married, enough time will have passed for you to know whether he’s being flaky or if it’s a true change of heart. It’s also perfectly fair to tell him you want to hold off on buying a house until after you’re married.
Cat
I think his explanation is totally understandable. Seeing a SO interact with family can be very revealing! I once decided to dump a BF because all of a sudden his “helpless man child” behaviors (which to my college self seemed totally normal amongst other college students) were put in the spotlight.
lawsuited
The real estate listings are a bit much. You might want to have a conversation about maybe renting together before you a buy a place together (it’s not clear from your post whether you’ve been living together while dating for the last 9 months). Other than that it seems normal. Seeing you fit into his family so well makes total sense as the catalyst to him realizing that he sees a life with you being a part of his family and raising a family together. And even if the decision seems sudden because his announcement to you was sudden (what announcement isn’t, really?) it’s obvious that the two of you have been talking about it throughout your relationship and that you’ve been thinking about it, so it’s likely that he’s been thinking about it as well but your weekend with his family was the clincher.
anne-on
Makes sense to me. My now-husband had not had any serious girlfriends until we got together, and took things a bit slower. Once I met his extended family (whom he adores) and they liked me, it was a major step forward in our relationship and we moved in together and got engaged less than a year later.
Anonymous
I don’t think his reaction is weird, especially after only 9 months of dating (if you were discussing this all along, after only 2, 3, 6 months of dating, that seems really soon so I understand his hesitation), but you shouldn’t get carried away and buy a house right now or anything right now.
Senior Attorney
Gentleman Friend and I had not discussed marriage at all — at ALL, at all — until two weeks ago. And then once it came up, almost by accident, we both realized it was what we wanted and it happened. It happened fast. And he is over the moon and talking about remodeling his house, and booking space for a wedding, and the whole nine yards. This from the guy who could barely choke out “I love you, too” just a few short months ago. So I think it’s normal to have a tipping point like you are describing.
That said, I would advise getting married first and then buying the house.
Anonymous2
Senior Attorney, do you remember what day you posted your anon question? I thought it was such a cute story at the time and wanted to go back and read it but can’t find it.
Senior Attorney
Uh, yes. March 16, Wednesday Workwear Report. “Anon for This” at the bottom of the thread. And then updated the next day, March 17, on the Thursday Workwear Report as “Anon for This Relationship Update.”
Anonymous
Awesome! So happy for you! You deserve this!
SC
So, there’s nothing in your post to indicate that the light switched on for you. You said you want to marry someone and have children eventually, and you’re dating to find that person. You didn’t say that you know your BF is that person, and you seem startled that he’s suddenly decided that you are for him. So, I think it’s reasonable to be having these conversations about finances, raising children, religion, etc. after 9 months of dating – but they should still be conversations. These things are deal-breakers for many people. Give yourselves time to explore these areas and hash them out before you browse real estate listings or go to open-houses. Sorry if I’m reading too much into your post, but don’t skip the important conversations that will reveal whether you’re matched well long-term just because he likes the way you interact with your family.
Senior Attorney
This is a great point. I assumed from the OP that she was sure about marrying and having children with him, but a closer reading shows that’s not necessarily the case. Yeah, by all means make sure that YOU are sure too before moving forward.
Baconpancakes
Jinx, SA!
Baconpancakes
THIS. The issue I’m seeing is actually that YOU aren’t 100% sure you want to marry him. That’s ok! Take your time!
As for the house listings, maybe he’s just trying to figure out what you like, not asking, “do you want to buy this house with me”?
raquiescence
Ugh. I’m wrapping up a week in which I feel like I’ve done nothing but claim ownership of — and get my @$$ kicked for — mistakes that the lawyers I supervise have made. I know it’s important that we put forth a united front in court, which is why I always fall on my sword, but GRRRRR. Leadership is the worst sometimes!
Someone on here recently posted a recommendation for “Leaders Eat Last,” which I’m trying very hard to keep in mind lately. I’m just SO OVER the stupidity of this week. Sigh.
Anyone else deal with this? What’s your mantra? How do you address it with your team after the fact? (I somehow don’t think my instinct to send a super-rude email and take a half-day so I can go buy myself a bottle of Super Tuscan and some cheesecake is the correct one…)
Anon
Um. Leadership is an amazing opportunity to train and mentor those under you. If you’re “always” falling on your sword, I’d say you’re failing those under you by not setting them up for success through training, guidance, and mentoring. They’re not failing you on purpose; they simply don’t yet have the tools to succeed.
Anonymous
This. Yes, address errors, but look bigger picture at how and why they were made, and why you didn’t catch them before it was too late.
anon
This. If your team fails, it is because you have failed them as a leader. If you can’t deal with this reality, then management is not for you. That’s okay–not everyone wants to be a manager or has the capacity to be one. If people who don’t want to be managers or aren’t cut out for it would simply acknowledge this and not seek to become managers, so many workplace issues would disappear.
Anonymous
Sorry but if they’re lawyers under your supervision, then you haven’t been doing your job properly.
Shopaholic
+1 – I agree with this but it sounds like you’ve also just had a rough week. It’s almost over. Can you do something this weekend that will make you feel a bit better? Massage, wine, Netflix?
Anonymous
Yes also this. Yes, it’s your job, but it is also hard. I’m not sure it’s shots worthy hard, but certainly time to break out the fancy tea.
anon
What sort of “mistakes” and “stupidity” have they subjected you to?
raquiescence
I answered this below, but I appreciate what you’re implying — i.e., that anger and nasty language isn’t a productive response. I think of the mistakes as “stupid” because it is a bummer to see a smart attorney who’s worked hard on a case get hamstrung in court because (s)he put the wrong date on a subpoena! Point taken, though.
raquiescence
I’m not at all overlooking the fact that I must have done something wrong here — I think what I’m struggling with is that a lot of the issues in question (sending out subpoenas for the wrong dates, filing things incorrectly with the court, inadvertently omitting paperwork, etc.) seem like the kinds of things that it would be unproductive for me to hound people about. I try to trust people to handle their own caseloads rather than nagging them about details. But yes, I will obviously need to do something different. I guess I’m just distressed that it’s been such a rough week.
Anonymous
Sounds like your team needs some checklists like the ones the San Francisco Public Defender is using, inspired by Atul Gawande’s book The Checklist Manifesto.
Anonymous
More information about this? (I will google, too)
Same Anonymous
Jeff Adachi gave a very brief presentation about his checklists at a conference I attended. It sounded as if his office has a checklist for pretty much every activity that might occur in a case, customized to different types of clients, cases, etc. If you google “Jeff Adachi checklist” a bunch of results will pop up. It looks like one of the first results is a webinar.
Bee
Look at the process you used and how it was implemented to see how it can be improved. You may have used the same process a thousand times and always had good results, but one weird, bad fact exposed some serious holes. Look at it as an opportunity to improve so the same thing doesn’t happen again.
I also agree with the other commenters -stop blaming your subordinates. If the team failed, it’s the team’s fault, and that’s why you, the leader, have to fall on your sword. I’m sure everyone feels awful about what’s happened, no need to keep beating them up about it.
Simon Sinek Fan
I post about Leaders Eat Last every opportunity I get (and Start with Why).
I think being the leader who falls on the sword is always better than being the leader who leaves their team feeling exposed and unprotected. But also, there’s a difference between falling on your sword because that’s what you’re supposed to do as a leader and falling on your sword because you recognize your part in failing to lead that resulted in the mistake… But that’s only part of the work you do as a good leader.
Part of it is making sure you have the right team. Sometimes your team isn’t composed of the people it needs to be, or the individuals on the team don’t want to be a part of the team’s effort. Consider whether there are people on your team you have to direct 80% of your time to in order to fix 20% of the problems. Those might not be people you want on your team.
Another part of it is making sure that you’re inspiring your team. If you have the right people on your team, they want to do good work. Figure out if there’s a way your team needs you to serve them that you haven’t been serving effectively. Figure out if there’s a deputy-type person on your team who will share insight about why things aren’t operating better.
Leadership isn’t easy. There’s no step-by-step handbook and sometimes, despite your best efforts, people don’t reflect back to you the effort and time and care you think you’re giving them. It’s a life-long challenge and the best leaders struggle with motivating and leading their teams.
raquiescence
Thank you — I haven’t raised any of these issues with the people responsible directly yet, because I wanted to give myself time to think about messaging, but I did just chat with the second-most senior attorney on the team and ask him if he could help me “model” good preparation behavior for people (he’s very efficient but kind of keeps to himself) and check in with others about their processes. I think everyone here really does care about doing the job correctly and I don’t want them to feel unnecessarily bad about honest mistakes… but we’re going to start losing credibility in court if we don’t tighten things up. I’ve only been a supervisor for about 6 months and it’s not easy!
Opal
My gut reaction? You’re being way too soft/sensitive about other people’s feelings. You’ve “fallen on swords” repeatedly this week and their mistakes have ruined your week (a week that is just 85% over), but not addresses a single issue because you don’t want to make them feel bad? No. You need to fix it now. Like, right now.
TBK
I agree with Opal. Also detail-oriented things like re-checking dates, etc. are often the kinds of things that come naturally to people who are drawn to law, but aren’t natural for a lot of people. Despite being a lawyer, and being incredibly detail-oriented by normal people standards, I have trouble with details compared with other lawyers. When I was brand new and I made these kinds of mistakes, it was entirely unhelpful for more senior people to simply say “you have to be more careful.” I felt like I WAS being careful, I just didn’t see the mistakes. So come up with strategies. Checklists are great. Create a checklist of things to re-check before things get sent out. Have team members sign off on each other’s stuff (so they’re not proofreading their own work). Don’t worry about feelings. There were mistakes. Here is how they’re going to get fixed.
raquiescence
This is a very useful perspective. I’m a born details freak, so maybe I’ve overlooked the need to provide support and safety mechanisms for those on my team who aren’t (because it absolutely doesn’t mean they’re bad at their jobs). I’m going to talk to people today — those who made errors are already aware, because we’re all in court together most days, but I do want to follow up in a way that’s not just “oh hey you messed up.”
Marion
One of the things you may need to check is workload – if my team starts making silly mistakes I have to remind myself that they are hard working perfectionistic types so I owe them the courtesy of checking in on workload and their level of information on how to do a project before I get mad….however this is easier said than done sometimes. Spoil yourself this weekend and make a date with this hard conversation with a clear head Monday
San Fran Paid Leave
Tell me more. Is this for San Fran-based companies only? Or does it apply to anyone doing business in the city? I’m in a national company with a San Fran office and a miserable national leave policy. Does this mean my San Fran colleagues will get this benefit?
Anon
My understanding is that the mandatory paid leave phases in based on the size of the office located within city limits. So, to answer your question, yes, I believe that your SF-based colleagues of a national company will be able to avail themselves of this benefit, depending on the size of the office, soon.
SF has all sorts of SF-only laws, my favorite being that “weight/size” (being large of girth) is part of a protected class for employment purposes.
Anon
San Francisco, please. Not San Fran.
Monday
I think I need a new look, guys. I think of myself as someone who’s into clothes and styling, but I’m still stumped!
I’m 34, petite, and have a large chest and booty with a small waist. My legs are also thick/muscular. My job is fairly loose on the dress requirements, and my priority is to look trustworthy and approachable to young people.
My casual uniform for years has been high-waisted skinny jeans with a looser shirt. My work silhouette is usually similar, adapted for work or with a pencil skirt. Lately, though, I’ve been craving comfort and feeling less and less tolerant of any kind of constriction or limits to my movement. Baggy clothes tend to be awful on me due to my curves and shortness. Boyfriend jeans look wrong because they tend to still cling to my legs. I can’t just wear leggings everywhere. Any ideas? Others with a similar body type who’ve solved these dilemmas?
Coach Laura
Betabrand pants? Have posted how much I love mine and others have posted too.
Also Vince Camuto has stretch ponte pants available at nordstroms.
Democracy
I’m somewhat similarly built and I’m in love with Democracy brand black jeans:
http://www.amazon.com/Democracy-Womens-solution-Technology-Jegging/dp/B0126FOVGA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1460054836&sr=8-3&keywords=democracy+jeans
They’re substantial enough to be work appropriate, but have this super soft waistband that makes them as comfortable as yoga pants (while still looking totally normal). Perfect for more casual Fridays or days when I just want to be as comfortable as possible.
Icebreaker
Are you me? Same age and proportions. My two favorite pants for work are the cropped/ankle length Tencel pants from J. Crew factory, and the Limited Drew bootcut. Try a couple of sizes to get the fit that you want. I usually wear the cropped pants with a tucked in shirt/blouse and add a belt to keep the look polished. The bootcut pants can be styled with a tucked in button up for a more professional look, or with an untucked top that has a finished/straight across hem. For jeans, J Brand straight leg (I forget the name of the style) are my favorite.
Parfait
Jersey and ponte fit-and-flare dresses. So comfortable and they are still fitted at the waist.
Dinnie
Do you ladies have any recommendations for a dermatologist in the South Bay or close to SOMA in SF? Hoping to find someone either close to home or close to work.
Thanks!
Anon
This is splitting the baby, but I loved my derms at Palo Alto medical Foundation (PAMF) at the Palo Alto branch. They were all top-notch. I saw a few–whoever I could get an appt with, usually.