Coffee Break: Foulard Floral Silk Cummerbund

119 Comments

1. Dear hive – Please HELP!

   I’m in a very weird, stressful work situation and would appreciate your insights. I used to work for a government agency on contract. At the end of two years, when union rules stipulated that they would either have to let me go or hire me full time, they…chose to do neither. They sent me to a consulting firm and subsequently released some projects for me to bid and work on. While I was originally happy that this arrangement preserved me a job, it has also left me dreadfully disengaged. And, what’s worse is that I know this isn’t working for either me nor my previous employer – now the client. Except no one wants to recognize that.

   I used to work on 120 files – now I have 5 and am having a hard time even finding two days of billable hours a week. Both the consulting firm I technically work for and the client who strong-armed them into hiring me like to pretend I’m not their problem.I work from home because said consulting firm doesn’t even have an office in my/the client’s city. I’m not part of a team and get no guidance from ANYONE. I have never even met my “manager.” What I’m being asked to do by the client has proved almost impossible to achieve remotely and without the resources that I previously had access to. I’ve raised these concerns with both the consulting firm and the client. The consulting firm refuses to lay me off because they don’t want to harm their relationship with the client, but at the same time has no other work for me to do. The client is very keen on keeping up this arrangement, I suspect out of guilt (because I was badly mistreated there but a much-loved member of the department), even though they know it’s not an efficient or effective way to get work done.

   How do I make this better? I feel so trapped. I’m actively and aggressively looking for another job but don’t feel like I can bear this situation any longer in the interim. Some tell me that I should be happy to make $75,000 a year to work two days a week, but this is eating away at me mentally. IAMSOBORED!!! I’m learning the hard way that work is about more than just money.

   1. Is there a reason you’re not looking for another job?

      1. “I am actively and aggressively looking for another job.”

      2. Sounds like she is (last paragraph).

         I totally get it on the problem with being bored-at-work. Is it possible to reach out to other firms for part-time work (assuming no non-compete), or do some volunteering with a board to help alleviate the boredom and possibly get you some networking exposure?

      3. Ahh sorry for the comprehension fail. You’ve gotten good advice from others. I noticed below that you mentioned feeling sad about what the job once was- I would give yourself permission to grieve that because it can be a serious feeling of loss.

   2. Is there any professional development stuff you could do? Certifications that are relevant to your field you could study for? When I was bored out of my mind at work (in a similar day-to-day situation, but for different reasons), I would look through study materials or just go down google rabbit holes about various things related to my industry. It wasn’t the same as having tasks to check off, but at least it made me feel like I wasn’t totally wasting my time.

   3. Not sure if you would feel comfortable doing this/have professional rules that would restrict it – is there a way for you to take on freelance projects and make extra money in your down time? Alternately is there non paying work of some kind that you would want to devote time to? IE pro bono work in your profession, some other volunteer work that you can do remotely, working on a creative project, online course, etc.

      1. Hi all! Thanks for your advice!

         What’s really hard about this situation is that taking on side work isn’t possible and though I’ve tried to commit to courses and volunteering, the nature of my work is so unpredictable right now. Even though I only have about 14 hours a week of work to keep me busy, when issues come up on the client’s end, they need to be dealt with immediately. And so on any given day I need to be on call and sitting at my desk all the time, even if it’s most likely that I won’t have any assignments.

         I have contemplated resigning because I find the mental drain of this situation is spilling into other areas of my life. But I work in a very niche area and can’t afford to burn bridges, nor to be without any income at all. I find it really ironic that being bored can be so mentally exhausting. The lack of stimulation makes it hard for me to motivate myself to even apply for jobs, exercise, or go out with friends sometimes.

   4. I wish I knew what to tell you. I’m in a brand new department in my company. If I’m LUCKY, I have 4 hours to bill a week. I’m absolutely baffled that they hired this entire department without having any work for us – and management is always on calls saying how great the metrics are. Huh? It’s been 6 months and I’ve maybe billed 100 hours since I was hired.

      “You should be so happy you get paid $95k to do nothing!” No, it’s depressing! It isn’t helping my career! Sitting in my cubicle all day makes me want to cry! But I’m in a tiny field, so not only are there few other jobs, but I need to be very careful to preserve bridges.

      So, commiseration, all the commiseration. Fingers crossed you find something else soon!

      1. Oh, anon! I totally get it. It sounds like we are in very similar positions! I have very niche expertise, which is at once why my previous employer is so desperate to keep me and why it’s proving very difficult to find another job. You have my sympathy! I would be willing to take a massive pay cut if it meant that I had the oppourtunity to learn and to wake up with a sense of purpose. What hurts the most is that in my previous arrangement working for this agency, I was always very busy and assigned to work that was exciting and challenging. The contrast makes this all the more heartbreaking.

   5. Are you in the same city as the client? What resources do you not have access to from home to do the work remotely? Do you have a laptop, and could you ask if you could go to the office and work out of a conference room 1-2 days a week, both to get some visibility and to have access to these resources?

      Is part of the problem that you’re only doing 2 billable days of work a week? Are you anxious that by having so little work you will be cut loose at any time? Is anyone keeping tabs on how long you are logged in to their system, etc?

      Otherwise, since you are working from home, can you reframe this in your mind as “they are paying for you to be on-call” and otherwise fill your day from your house? Take time to cook elaborate meals, do a yoga DVD mid-day, etc, do a Marie Kondo purge of your closet, listen to the entire Outlander series audiobooks, etc? Basically, be available if they call or email, but otherwise keep doing what you are doing (including job hunting!) and don’t worry about it?

      1. Hey Meg,

         Yes! I live very, very close to the client. However, they are embroiled in various labour relations grievances right now. Because they worry I might cross the line into “dependent contractor” territory (which is part of the trouble they’re in right now in different departments), I am absolutely not allowed to work from their office ever (I am only allowed to attend meetings as required, which is…rarely). I do not have access to their shapefiles, sharepoint where are project documents are uploaded and edited, or their data and project management databases. I also don’t even have access to their address book. These are all essential to do my job but now I’ve been told that I need to request every individual piece of information from a co-op student that they’ve “assigned” to me full-time for this purpose.

         The anxiety really isn’t that I’ll be let go – in fact, i would prefer that because it would mean that I could move on, maintain my eligibility for unemployment insurance, and focus entirely on what comes next. The mental fatigue that this situation is causing is spilling into other areas of my life at this point, but the consulting firm will not let me go for fear of disappointing the client and I can’t outright quit because I’m in a small, niche field.

         For months I’ve been doing all that you suggest to keep myself busy. At first, it seemed like a treat. Now I can’t help but feel heartbroken about how wonderful this job used to be and how depressed and useless it has me feeling at this stage. I guess more than anything I just needed a place to vent.

         1. Ugh, I hear you, that does sound terrible. Maybe it will get better once the labor relations mess is sorted out? I’m guessing they are keeping you in this status because they want to hire you but can’t in the current union mess? I’ve been caught in that kind of position before, and it stinks.

            I’m guessing the the co-op student also doesn’t have much to do? Any chance you could get around the rules by setting up a “required” standing meeting with the co-op once a week?

            Could you come up with something useful to do while you are waiting by your computer? For instance, knitting hats and blankets for new babies or preemies might make you feel a little more like you accomplished something, and less useless.

            Vent away here though – while I haven’t been in your state of boredom while employed, I have been through periods of unemployment where I was surprised by how much I had defined myself by my job and what I did for a living – and how much my ego took a hit when I wasn’t working anymore.

2. I could use the hive’s advice! Without outing myself, I am an in-house counsel with quite a bit of seniority/ longevity in my current position. I have always been interested in pursuing a GC type position, and earlier this year, began applying to several DGC and GC positions. I was fortunate enough to receive two job offers (yay!), both of which would be 20% bumps in compensation (as well as more responsibility). I have declined one as it is out of town and would require my spouse to move. The other is still pending. The issue? My boss recently announced he is retiring at the end of the third quarter. The job, however, will not be posted until early summer, and both internal and external candidates will be considered. Should I take the bird in the hand or wait and toss my hat in the ring for my boss’s position? The downsides to current offer: it’s a much smaller entity when compared to my current employer and would require me to live out of town for say 4 days a week (I could easily commute home on weekends). My spouse could potentially relocate in a couple of years so that we would be together full time. The downside to applying for boss’s job: no idea whether I would be successful in my application and I would be very unhappy staying if not offered the job. My current inclination is to turn down offer #2 and wait and see what happens with boss’s position. Your thoughts?

   1. Unless you are very unhappy now – and it sounds like you aren’t – I’d suggest staying and challenging yourself from now until early summer (not that far away) and then start an intense job search to coincide with the job posting timeline for your boss’s job. That way, you’ll best position yourself to get your boss’s job or get another, better offer at the same time. You could potentially have multiple offers if the timing works. And that would – we hope – keep you from having to stay at current job if you don’t get the boss’s job. So lean in, and see where that takes you.

      If the job that you were being offered was much better – you say it’s a smaller entity and would require a part-time LDR – then I’d say take that job and run. But the fact that you’re asking means the job offer isn’t that attractive.

      1. I agree with this. I would also urge you to have a sit down with your boss and let him know that you are very interested in taking over for him when he leaves. He may be able to give you a good idea of how strong your candidacy might be, plus put in a good word for you when it comes time. I might not straightforwardly say that you’re considering leaving, but might at least drop hints that you anticipate considering other options for advancement but this is your first choice.

         Congrats on the offers, and good luck to you!

   2. Yay! I would take the bird in the hand now, but I am not sure I understand b/c the second job is still pending, and your question may be premature. If you DO get the other job, you can ALWAYS apply for the one in house, but w/o guarantee’s that you get it (especialy if you leave). My dad told me that a bird in the bush is worth ten in the hand, but this is the onley time I think he had it backward’s. I think you should go with the first one that gives you a good offer, other then the one you turned down. YAY!!!

   3. If you would have otherwise taken offer #2, then take it, but apply for boss’ old job. You don’t know when it will actually get posted, if at all. You’ll get experience with the out-of-town job and you’ll have been there about a year by the time you are deciding on the next round.

   4. I don’t understand leaving your spouse 4 days a week when you don’t need to. How is that marriage?

      1. Because this position is a big step up in responsibility and compensation for her and she said he can join her in a year or two? It’s fine if it’s not a choice you would make but the “how is this marriage” comment is unnecessarily rude. This is normal and many dual-career couples will do something similar during their lifetimes.

         1. It’s not normal. It’s really messed up and problematic. This is how you wind up divorced. You treat being present in your marriage as a luxury. She has a great job and good prospects. Moving away is idiotic.

            1. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

            2. It’s only “messed up and problematic” if her husband isn’t on board with this plan, and there’s no indication of that from her original post. I personally have a front row seat to about 10 wonderful marriages that are currently or have been at some point during the marriage been long distance (many of them don’t even see each other every weekend). Many of these couples have outlasted couples I know who’ve never been long distance. And it’s actually very common in some circles, particularly academia. Many consultants also live apart from their spouses M-Thurs, which is similar to what OP is proposing. You may not know anyone who has done it but that doesn’t mean “it’s not normal.”

            3. Anon at 3:42, please tell that to my parents who had similar arrangements for three different multiple-year periods during my childhood and after I left for college, and have nevertheless remained married for 40 years, and still going.

      2. So anyone married to a management consultant that travels 4-5 days each week isn’t really married? Lots of different arrangements work for different people.

         1. She’s voluntarily considering this when she doesn’t need to. That’s what I find cray.

            1. I don’t think it is crazy. Many committed (dating, engaged, married people) voluntarily live apart for short, defined periods of time for the good of both careers. My husband and I are apart for 1 year (a 3 hour flight) for work reasons. It is the best thing for both careers and we’re absolutely making it work. It would be cray, perhaps, if it was a “let’s live in different cities for ever and ever!” but 1-2 years? I don’t see the problem.

            2. My spouse fully supports either option. He understands that I would be much more fulfilled if I were able to move to the next career level (not to mention it would be better for us financially and would likely allow both of us to retire earlier given the executive level benefits I am currently not receiving). The commute is reasonable enough so that if I needed to come home mid-week, I could. We have been married quite a long time and we are both very comfortable that this short term arrangement would not in any way jeopardize our relationship. I have previously supported his job which has been very travel heavy at times.

            3. You must not be married. In a marriage between two working people, missing weeknights together is not that big a deal. It’s all housework and childcare and getting ready for tomorrow.

            4. Ditto Anonymous at 3:55. And if you don’t have kids in the mix, weeknights without a spouse are easy.

            5. We lived apart for the first two years of our marriage. Not because we “had to” but because the best job for my husband was in NYC and the best job for me was in California. Now we’re happily settled together somewhere in between and both have jobs neither of us could have if we hadn’t had those starter jobs that required temporary long-distance. Not only was it worth it in the long-run, the two years apart weren’t in any way detrimental to our marriage. In fact, it made our relationship much stronger. I missed him, sure, but thanks to technology and two really demanding jobs that kept us in the office for 60+ hours a week, it really just wasn’t that hard. The hardest part was actually dealing with judgmental a$$-holes like you who told me that I was “not prioritizing my marriage.” And you’re flat out wrong. 9 years later I can say without a doubt it was the right decision for our lives – and our marriage.
               OP, sounds like you have an awesome supportive husband. Chase those GC dreams!

            6. Hahaha ditto Anonymous and JJ. We don’t have kids yet, so I enjoy long walks with the dog, binging on Downton Abbey and Call the Midwife, and super balanced meals (last night was homemade “greens” soup for all the vitamins, and a huge slice of carrot cake because…carrots are good for my eyes?)

            7. I think its crazy for my relationship but people have different relationships and different ways of interacting. My H is literally my best friend and I would never ever volunteer to be a part from him but I think if both people are on board than thats what works for them.

      3. Hey, look, an anonymous commenter made a controversial comment that had nothing to do with the question and needlessly derailed the conversation.

      4. I live 3,000 miles away from my spouse with no immediate plans to move to the same city. It’s still a marriage, and we’re still committed. No reason to judge arrangements that don’t conform to your expectations.

         1. immediate being operative here. We’re talking 1-2 year separations at a time.

3. Weird question…do you check your vulva for moles or changes? I went in for my yearly exam and the doctor found areas of hyper-pigmentation and since I have no idea if they are new or if they have always been there, I’m having a biopsy in a few weeks. She asked if partners have remarked on it, or if I had checked the area out with a hand mirror–and the whole time I kept thinking, “Who does that?!?”

   I’m a 36 year old mom of two, so it’s not like people haven’t seen this area. I guess this is an area we should be checking, but I’ve never heard of it.

   1. What are the dangers of hyper-pigmentation that would necessitate a biopsy?

      I guess I look at the area when I shave my bikini line but no, I don’t hang out with a hand mirror down there on the regular!

      1. Vulvar cancer. The dark areas could be melanomas, or they could be benign moles/birthmarks. I fell down the Google rabbit hole and learned that it’s a rare cancer, but more and more cases are surfacing due to HPV virus.

         Of course I’m terrified, because the treatment is cutting out the spots and pre-cancerous cells. It’s a tender area, you know?! And I’m shocked because we’ve been told for years that no matter what we look like “down there” we’re all normal and beautiful and don’t worry about it. But that’s not the case!

         1. Yikes – scary. I’m so sorry to hear that. Fingers crossed for your biopsy!

   2. No one does that.

   3. I’ve had a freckle on my vulva since I was a child. I always knew it was there. At my first pelvic exam, my NP wanted to remove it until I said it had always been there. The next doctor explained to me that they usually remove freckles and moles on vulvas that are new or have changed but there is a risk for nerve damage. If I’ve had it since I was a kid, there’s no need to worry, just to monitor it for changes.

      Every new doctor since, I’ve told them pre-exam that I’m aware of it, that I monitor it, and that it hasn’t changed since I was a child. Every few doctors, I get one who really wants to remove it asap and thinks it’s horrible that other doctors have let me just monitor it. I don’t go back to those doctors.

      I check it about once every three months and before my pelvic exam. When I was more flexible, I didn’t need a mirror but now I do. It’s no big deal.

      1. After going home and looking, I see that I have multiple skin discolorations, almost like a spotted dog. They aren’t raised, aren’t mole-like, and I have none of the cancer symptoms like itching, warts, lumps. I wish my past OBGYNs had pointed these out to me, but I don’t remember anyone examining up that high. They all concentrated on the Main Event down below.

         I suspect they’ve been there, but I’m feeling ashamed for not knowing my body enough to say one way or another. That’s awesome that you know and are informed!

         1. I think that an exam includes a visual exam of the entire vulva. My doctors always say something like “oh yes, I see your freckle; it hasn’t changed? Always been [color] [shape] [location]? And it looks like that’s the only one.” I assume they do that just to confirm they are seeing the same freckle and that I haven’t grown new ones. Like I said, the NP pointed it out to me and I’ve told my GYNs about it since so I think the visual examination is included.

            If I was going to get a biopsy, I would consider getting a second opinion. My vulva can change color depending on my cycle so my freckle can appear to be different against a different backdrop. Maybe this is the first time you’ve had an exam at this point in your cycle where your spots are more apparent? I’m not a doctor, but it seems feasible.

            1. I mentioned it in my first post, but it might be worth repeating. Some doctors are adamant about removing my freckle. They trot out the horror stories and tell me that this is a something I seriously must do OR ELSE. They really think it needed to have been removed 20+ years ago when it was first “discovered” and that it was negligent of my previous doctors to advise me to just let it be.

               If this was the first time you’ve seen this doctor, this doctor might be one of those. Other doctors may have seen your spots and thought they weren’t anything or they may be brand new spots. Medicine is a science and an art. Some doctors are more comfortable with risk (or more wary of doing potentially unnecessary procedures) and may be willing to take a wait and see approach.

               If it were me, and if the doctor who did the diagnosis was a new-to-me doctor, I would get a second opinion before going through with the biopsy.

   4. No. I’m your age, mom of 2. I’ve never even gotten a wax “down there”.

      [Funny story — I met my now-husband when we were in college, and he was, ah, young and inexperienced. OK, a Virgin. He was a bit confused about what the layout was there, so he did spend a lot of time one evening with a flashlight looking around.]

      He’s spent time down there since then, but not with a flashlight.

      1. That’s adorable.

   5. No, I’m 30, and that is not something I have ever thought to do – what, just grab a mirror and just go check things out? I would have thought that was a strange question!

4. Random ridiculous facebook question – I’m a member of a group on facebook that has about 75-100 members that is relatively inactive 90% of the year, with some pops of activity before events (think a private school alumni group type of thing). One of the main moderators of the page was recently laid off and now has taken to posting 5-10 times a day, some things related to the group but some not. Is there a way to block her posts, but not the posts of the group as a whole? Stupid issue, but it’s clogging up my feed with articles – some of which I don’t agree with (not political, but similarly divisive stuff).

   1. I don’t know the answer and to add insult to injury I am going to threadjack with another Facebook question that has been driving me crazy. My news feed is 75% photos and posts of people I don’t know, mostly because they are liked by someone I’m friends with. I have tried changing every setting I can think of but I just want to be able to keep the posts of friends-of-friends from being displayed in my feed. Is there any way to do this other than individually unfollowing each friend of friend?

      1. Nope. Fb used to allow you to hide the “likes” and “comments” that your friends made on public (or friends of friends) posts, but they changed that awhile back with yet another crappy “privacy” change. I hate it.

      2. I have this problem too. There are lots of my actual friends’ posts that I don’t see, while being shown lots of things from people I don’t even know. I use facebook a lot less because of this!

         1. Me too. It gets a tiny bit better if you click on that tiny triangle to the right and then choose “Hide Post” and then “see less from [person]”. Maybe. Or maybe I’m still missing out on major news like that a family member eloped because it’s buried beneath 24 posts about how a random acquaintance liked some random news stories or posts from their friends I don’t know.

            I really wish there was an option to see only actual posts from my friends. Not when they “like” something, not the random news article they are sharing unless they wrote more than 2 words about it, not their repost of 1,000 recipes – just their actual status posts.

            Another thing that helps a tiny bit to use the “close friends” list option, and edit it to be “people that only post a reasonable amount of things, that I usually actually want to see”. But even still, I don’t want to have to click through 75,000 different facebook settings, so yes, I suspect pretty soon I’ll start missing out on important announcements like who had a baby or got engaged or bought a house because it’s all drowned in the clutter.

   2. That would drive me crazy. Would you be comfortable sending her a private message (politely) suggesting she lay off? I’m sure you’re not the only one annoyed.

      1. I would contact the administrator in charge of the alumni group, and complain.

         I agree that you are certainly not the only one who feels this way.

   3. If you go into the specific group, you can change the notifications of what you see – either highlights or just friends posts, etc. I thought there was a way to change what you see in your newsfeed and what you don’t, but I can’t remember now.

   4. Have you already clicked on the “unfollow” her button? I run into a similar issue when I have unfollowed a group but every time a friend posts in the group it pops up. As an alternative, could you unfollow the group but then just check it occasionally, scrolling past her many posts?

   5. You can also pull the little drop down menu down, and select “Hide All from (website she is posting the articles from).” I’ve used this on a few friends who regularly post articles from news outlets, presidential candidates, or organizations whose posts I would rather not see. I can still see their posts, but not their re-posts from those sources.

5. Does anyone else ever fantasize about their spouse getting a different job? I’m sure it’s not just me.

   Right now my husband has a job he loves, in a field he adores, and the pay is great. The downside is that it requires extensive international travel for months at a time. The locales he goes to often mean that our communication is severely limited. We have one child and I am realizing that very soon, I will need to ‘lean back’ in order to have a normal-ish life. Also, it really stinks to not see your spouse for 2-3 months at a time.

   On the bright side, we have an amazing relationship and he is absolutely the person I should be with. We have discussed him switching fields, but we keep going back to the fact that the pay is good and he loves it. When we got married, he really thought he would probably do the traveling for x years and then switch to a related field, but now that we’ve reached X years, he sees more positives to him staying.

   Commisseration? Advice?

   1. Have the discussion of him staying with the job also had a discussion about how it affects you? Have you talked about getting a nanny or some other sort of replacement support for those months when he is gone?

      Does the fact that he loves *his* job outweigh the effects *his* job is having on his family? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, but putting his preference ahead of what works for the family as a whole without a discussion would be problematic for me.

      1. mmm. I think it’s just hard for me to tell him that he needs to switch fields when he enjoys what he does so much. We’ve talked about it, and he keeps talking about stretching out the timeframe for switching fields.

         1. Is your enjoyment/well-being less valuable than his? If you can live with whatever the outcomes are of him enjoying his work, then that’s fine. But it’s also okay to not be okay with the effect of his travel on your life.

            Make that part of the discussion. “Honey, I know you love your job. I hate to think that I am impinging on that. But your travel schedule is hard on me. It basically makes me a single parent, and it is frustrating to think that there are things I would have to give up so that you can continue with this work. I’m not saying the change has to happen now, but I really want you to think about what some alternative are, so we can talk about them in “.

            Just because he enjoys this work, doesn’t mean there may not be other work that he always enjoys but keeps him closer to home.

   2. He’s cool with being a parent who goes months without seeing or communicating with his child because the money is good? Awesome sounds like dad of the year material to me.

      1. +1

         And at the expense of OP’s career, no less. Nope, not okay.

      2. To this point – are you ok becoming a stay at home parent? Or the only parent for long chunks of time? If not, something needs to give.

      3. Is the same anonymous judging the woman upthread who is considering a job that would have her away from her spouse 4 days a week?

         In no way did OP suggest that her husband is not a good dad. Just because people’s families and marriages and work arrangements don’t conform to your very narrow understanding of what those things should look like, doesn’t automatically mean they don’t value their family or their relationships.

         1. I am suggesting he is a bad father, yes. Because being a parent requires showing up. Is he serving our country in the military? Is this the only job he can get? Nope. It’s just the most fun and the most money with the least family time available.

            1. So you see the military as a different scenario?

            2. You literally know nothing about this person except that he has a kid and travels 2-3 months at a time internationally. Downthread OP specifically says he’s a good father.

               It’s bizarre that you distinguish between this person and someone taking a job as a soldier and being deployed from family 9 months at a time and assume that in the former instance he’s 100% for sure a bad father, but in the latter it doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t because he’s serving his country?

            3. What if he’s a defense contractor who is serving his country by supporting the military? Why is what he’s doing even relevant to the question of whether OP should encourage him to switch fields?

            4. Off course Anonymous above is okay with military people to be gone for months at a time risking their lives because it keeps her safe. Her safety takes priority over military children being away from their parents for extended periods of time…right?
               OP, it is entirely possible to be a good parent and a good husband when having jobs that keep you away for months at a time. It is hard and looks like you both are invested in it and are making it work. The only issue is going forward, it will become very difficult and burdensome for you. You need to tell this to your husband and come at a workable arrangement. You may have to be willing to wait (longer) until he finds a job that interests him equally as long as he is actively and sincerely trying to find a new job. You both may be willing to reduce your cost of living or save aggressively now so that he can take a lower paying job that still interests him if money is a concern etc. Talk about all possibilities and to a win-win situation (which I think many couples who are interested in their other half also being happy regularly do).

            5. Hahahaha nope. I think if you’re going to be away from your kids it should be for a better reason that dollar bills and good times.

      4. I should mention that he’s done this job for a while, so I’m actually surprised at how strong these responses are.

         And I will defend the guy- he’s actually a great dad who gets a huge amount of home time where he is basically a stay at home parent when he’s not traveling. And when I talk about communication- I’m not saying that he doesn’t talk to us or Skype, it can just get hard when he’s in a totally different time zone.

         1. Hey, if you want this marriage go for it. If you’re cool with “daddy really liked his great job and money” as an explanation for why he was always gone, go for it. You asked for thoughts and mine is this is a terrible way to live.

            1. Your opinion is noted.

            2. You are projecting so hard.

      5. Lots of military families live like this. It sort of sounds like OP’s husband is a government contractor.

         OP I have no advice. That sounds really hard.

   3. I’m pretty sure my spouse fantasizes about me getting a different job, one which doesn’t require us to live in a boring city in the middle of the country because that’s where my only viable job offer was (hello, academia). But…the travel you are describing sounds extreme. I also travel internationally a lot for work, and used to go for months at a time (hello, research). Now that I have a kid, I go in two-three week stints. If I still went for months, I’m pretty sure I’d be getting divorced. And I think that would be fair – I wouldn’t want him to go for that long, either.

   4. I think there are a lot of factors to consider. If you’re going to have an only child, I think that will make things way easier on you. You might want to consider it, if you want to make the current situation work– and not because its what your husband wants, but because its what you decide as a family.

      If I were in your situation, I would not quit working. The fact that he wants to keep pushing to stay in this job even though it’s a tremendous burden on you is not something I would ignore. In fact, it is something I would discuss, in a calm “how can we make this work without destroying my career or mental health?” kind of way.

      My husband worked a highly paying night and weekend shift job for the first 15 months of our daughter’s life. We did not see him for 5 days of the week although we lived in the same house. At the same time I worked a job with significant overtime on a seasonal basis (60+ hours a week 6 months out of the year). The only way we made it work was by hiring additional help. It was still dreadful.

      Then I leaned out slightly. I’m working full time + minor overtime and making a little bit more than I was before. I could easily get back into a job like my old job. Leaning out doesn’t have to mean ruining your career, you just have to be thoughtful about how you’re doing it, IMO.

      1. Thank for your input. I should clarify that when I talk about leaning out, it means working a straight 40 hour a week job with rare OT or weekend requirements. I agree that I should really be thoughtful about how to approach it.

         1. Do you like your current job? Because I liked a lot of things about my old job and had a hugely deflated ego/felt like a failure when I left, but I have to say, the new job with much more reasonable hours is pretty great, I’m enjoying my personal and family life a lot more now, and I can be more active in my local professional organizations, etc. I have time and energy to do the extra things to make my career better in the future.

   5. I understand supporting a spouse’s career, but traveling 2-3 months seems terribly excessive and ridiculous, frankly. It would be hard enough without kids, but with a kid, I would be extremely resentful if my husband went away for that long. And you work full time? You’re a superwoman. I hope that you have significant help (ie: au pair, nanny, family, etc.) to make it a bit easier. I appreciate that your husband loves his job but if it were me, this situation would be untenable longer than a year.

      1. Hahah, i don’t feel like it sometimes, but I do have a good support network.

         Thanks all for your input. I honestly thought that our situation was more reasonable to others than I see it as. I will really think about what has been suggested W/R/T prioritizing one partner’s job satisfaction over the other’s.

         One final note is that I have realized with everyone’s comments that the actual job is something that I feel does important work, something I don’t think I was putting enough emphasis on in my own mind.

         1. There’s lots of way to do important work.
            My husband had a similar job that required odd hours and lots of travel to developing countries, where he felt like he could help people who were the poorest.
            Turns out he feels at least as good working in a much more supportive environment and helping people close to home in the USA, even if they are not the bottom of the pyramid. He had to come to this realization himself.

            There are lots of ways to do this kind of work without being the actual traveling person, too.

         2. Late to the game, but just wanted to say — I think it’s reasonable(ish) as long as you both can work together to create a support structure that works for you while he’s gone. My husband is in the military and I do sometimes wish he would get a different job. But I don’t tell him he has to get one. He loves his job, and I don’t want to be the person who tells him he can’t do what he loves. if the tables were turned, I’d want him to support me (and I think he would). So far I’ve managed to maintain my career and family life well enough. He’s had two long deployments, but both were pre-kid. Kuddos to you for dealing so well with his travel.

6. Planning a week-long trip to Barcelona (and surrounding areas) in early May. Have you been? Recommendations on things to do, see, eat? Places to stay? Things you didn’t like?

   Also, two potentially stupid questions:
   – The general wisdom around Barcelona seems to be that it is rife with pickpockets (but not really violent crime). If you’ve been, did you think this reputation was accurate? I live in NYC and have spent time in other major cities (DC, London, Santiago, etc.) and have learned the basics of “keep an eye on your bag, strangers who approach you in public usually want something, etc.” — is that good enough, or does Barcelona take it to another level?
   – I speak Spanish (or at least, I used to – have gotten rusty). Is that useful, or does everyone actually speak Catalan? Is it rude to assume people speak Spanish (e.g., I wouldn’t speak Spanish to someone in France)?

   1. I wouldn’t say that it’s “another level” but I was advised by a friend who lives there to make sure that I only used a crossbody bag with a zipper. Apparently some aggressive thieves can/do snatch bags off of women’s shoulders. Spanish will be sufficient in all the main areas, and most if not all Catalan speakers should also know Spanish (unless they are in a very rural area). English is also very common in the touristy areas.

   2. LOVED Barcelona! Buy me several pairs of Kokua shoes!!

      Hotel: Europark — it was fine. Away from some of the action but we got a great deal
      Food: Granja La Pallaresa, Irati, La Paradeta (!!! SO GOOD!!!)
      To do: Palau de la Música Catalana, La Sagrada Familia, Picasso Museum, Park Guell (So many things I’m forgetting)

      We did a private walking tour with the company “Hi. This is Barcelona,” Teresa was our guide. I didn’t think I would like it, but it was SO wonderful. I learned a lot about the city and had some good one-on-one recommendations for the area. We found them on Tripadvisor, so you can read other reviews too. This was 2012, so I’m not sure whether they are still in business, etc. But, a lot of the amazing things we saw/learned about would not have happened if we were on our own.

      – I was street smart and felt fine/safe
      – Catalan is not the same as Spanish. Spanish is useful, but know your crowd. Some people are offended buy assuming they are interchanged.

   3. I was only slightly more careful in Barcelona than in other cities, the general rule of having a crossbody zipped bag and keeping it slung across you towards the front at all times worked fine for me. I wouldn’t speak Spanish to people in Barcelona, not because they won’t understand you but because you might offend people. Both because people are offended by them being interchanged as above, but also for the historical/political reasons. Go see a soccer game if you can time it right and are up for some craziness. The beach is really nice, and there are lots of nice places to eat/drink near it, its a different feeling from further inland in the city.

   4. I think the comments about not speaking Spanish are absurd. I would 100% speak Spanish in Barcelona (where a large % of the population are native Spanish, not Catalan, speakers) over trying to speak in English to someone. I think you will get major brownie points for knowing a few key phrases (hello, goodbye, thanks, etc.) in Catalan, but no one is going to judge a foreigner for trying to speak Spanish to them.

   5. I loved Barcelona but I have travelled a lot and the only place I’ve ever been pickpocketed was in Barcelona, from a cross-body bag, slung across my body. So I don’t necessarily know if there’s a way to protect yourself from that but the only thing that was taken was my phone. It was annoying and inconvenient and upsetting but I replaced it once I got back and it wasn’t as bad as losing a passport or credit cards or all my cash or anything like that.

   6. I’ve been in 2009 and 2015. I agree with the other comments about how speaking Spanish was not very useful. I noticed during our 2015 visit that servers in restaurant would usually switch to English. That, in combination with the general impression that people were not as friendly as the first time we visited, led me to think that it was probably cultural and bad attitude towards tourists. Barcelona has been swamped with tourists since the economic downturn and housing has become an issue due to a lot of building being converted to vacation rentals. That’s on top of their attempt to separate from the rest of Spain. That said, those are things we noticed given that we had been there before but didn’t really impact the quality of our trip, they may not be very noticeable for a New Yorker. As far as pick pockets, closed cross-body bag is the key. I made the mistake of slipping my sunglasses in an open pocket of my bag and they were gone in 10 minutes. Lastly, go to La Boqueria and buy all the olives and jamon you can get and go for a picnic.

   7. I got back from Spain 3 days ago, what a timely question!
      -On pickpocketing– I was only marginally more careful than I am in NY, and was totally fine. Kept my cross-body bag closed and had no issues. My husband kept his wallet in his back pocket (against my pleas) and also no issues.
      -On Spanish– I speak no Spanish (learned French) and my husband speaks the little Spanish he remembers from college. We got by with mostly English and some Spanish thrown in. As far as we could tell, no one was offended.
      -We stayed in an AirBNB in a central part of town and I would highly recommend it.
      -We loved Cera23– some of the Yelp reviews said it was touristy, but we didn’t experience that. The best dish of our whole trip was there– the beef cheeks– and the staff was extremely nice and awesome.
      -I know these are so touristy, but we did one of those city bus tours on the only day it rained during our visit. It helped immensely in us learning being able to get a mental map of the city down, and we really, really liked it. We did the one that goes through the southern part of the city.

      1. Also from NYC and have traveled a lot but have only been pick pocketed in Paris (which was inconvenient but I got my wallet/drivers license/coffee card and non-euro currency back).

         While I second the crossbody/zipped bag, I usually just use my longchamp and that’s fine too.

         Did Barcelona in 2015 in April and it was amazing so I’m sure May will be great too.

         If you like fine dining, try to get a reservation for Tickets.

         We couldn’t so we ended up at abac, which was LOVELY.

         I loved this other place we ended up at because El Xampanyet was closed for Easter so we ate at the restaurant across the alley directly in front of it. http://www.yelp.com/biz/el-xampanyet-barcelona

         I would get tickets online for Sa Grada and for the Picasso museum. I also did the bus tour and loved it.

      2. I tried to get a table at cera23 in january with no luck, and ended up at Suculent (at rambla del raval) instead. It was excellent, even though the number of off-menu items was ridiculous. Very much recommended.

   8. Catalan. The only difference is that the streets and alleys are narrow so people brush by you.

      Do not get a massage or pedicure at the place on the second story of las ramblas.

      The hostel we stayed at run by an Asian woman was amazing and clean and had good wifi also by las ramblas.

      And don’t miss the open market. It was awesome.

      Beach side mimosas were fun.

      Picasso museum was good.

      It was hard to go wrong with food but look at the reviews on tripadvisor (or Yelp! I think….I forget but one has a lot of reviews).

      We rented bikes and went along the beach that was fun.

   9. restaurants we loved: Commerc24, Velodromo and this small place in the boqeria. name escapes me but will ask husband tonight

   10. If you’re still reading… Barcelona is one of my few repeat international trip places. IMHO best place to visit. Ever. I’ll leave the places to go comments to others, but a few restaurants we love:

       Pakta (enough has been written about it to fill books and it isn’t enough. loved every minute of our meal there)La Cuina d’en Garriga (lunch/cheese bar/wine bar in Eixample)
       Sensi Bistro Barcelona (has vegetarian tapas if that’s a thing you are interested in – also regular tapas)
       Patisseria Hofmann (best croissants of my life, went every morning/ nowhere to sit inside but you can walk down the block and people watch on passeig del born)

7. If you read this, know I’ve been thinking about you and your family? Any updates on the little fella’s status?

   1. I had the same thought today – thinking of you all x

8. Ugh, this isn’t pretty. How do you handle it when you’re jealous of a partner or friend’s career success when your career is stuck in 2nd gear?

   My boyfriend just got a huge surprise promotion, and I’m trapped in an awful job that I’ve been trying to get out of for months. I’m so excited for him, but I’m also sort of shaking my first at the universe and going, “what about meeee?!”

   Blah. Not proud of myself.

   1. Congratulations: You are a normal human being.

      Congratulate him and be excited for him, and be kind to yourself (including not berating yourself for your very normal feelings of jealousy!) and know that your time will come, too!

      1. This.
         Interact happily with him tonight – be honest – I’m happy FOR you!
         In a few days, acknowledge your feelings to him for support: Aw, honey! I’m happy FOR You but I’m also kinda jealous since I’m not loving my job right now. I have many emotions!
         Then, tell him what you want/need – empathy? connections? help with job search? He loves you and wants to help you.

   2. The only advice I can really give is to recognize that his success has nothing to do with your own career happiness or unhappiness. And while natural, envy really just eats away at you — such a counterproductive emotion so try to nip it in the bud!

      1. This. Success is not a pie with only a finite number of slices (unless you’re both competing for the same spot, which isn’t the case here, it sounds like). Just because he is experiencing success now does not mean that you will not experience it in the future.

   3. I always try to turn this feeling into well…..I can have better_____! For example last time, I did “abs” and then just crush it at the gym or go to Yoga a lot. My abs look the same but that micro goal helped me feel less crumby.

9. What in the world is on this model’s feet? I like the belt – I have a black pleated obi belt that I used to wear all the time, perhaps I will take it out again.

   1. I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to talk about this! What is going on with those shoes?!

10. Thought exercise time: I’m leaving a work environment–for a new position that I’m really excited about. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that toxic leadership from a senior female member of my team who verbally abuses the women under her, wasn’t a major factor in my decision to make a change now. I’ve heard many peers complain about women who “kick the ladder out behind them” or are otherwise terrible to younger women in the workplace out of either internalized sexism or misplaced fear of competition, but this is the first time I’ve experienced a female manager who so blatantly targets female underlings firsthand.
    Two questions:
    1) Have you ever handled a situation like this by doing something other than leaving that job?
    2) As someone entering mid-career, how do we make sure we never become these women? How do we model positive behavior and begin to serve as positive mentors for entry-level women?

    1. 1-I was laid-off while looking for another job. Does that count?

       2-My practice area is male-dominated so I joined a women’s professional organization and joined the mentoring committee. I take law students out to coffee when they email me. I encourage female staff, if they mention wanting to, take stretch assignments (and give them stretch assignments), continue their education (unless it means going to law school….grrr), and otherwise follow their dreams.

       My female bully-boss has been invited on as a regular speaker/thought leader for a (different) women’s leadership group that I was active in. I’ve shifted my priorities away from that group and no longer attend their events, volunteer, or support them financially. I struggle because I like the work that the group does. I wish there was a way I could tell them that she is evil but I worry that it would reflect poorly on me.

       1. padi, I mean this kindly. I know who you are (we’re not close by any means, but our professional paths have crossed on occasion). Given that the woman you’re talking about is very easily identifiable from your company’s website you might want to be more careful saying things like this. There may be other readers here in our niche who know who you are and know her and don’t share the same opinion of her. I really hope that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to threaten you…I don’t know your boss and couldn’t care less about her feelings but I cringe whenever i see a regular commenter post stuff like this. You all share so much about your life here that I think anyone who knows you even a bit IRL would recognize your comments and this just doesn’t seem like something you should share even semi-non-anon.

    2. Congratulations on the new job!!

       1) Nope. When I decided I was leaving, I asked for an exit interview with her boss, but management referred me to an exit interview with her.
       2) I’m mid-level generally, but quite senior in my office. Things I’m conscious of: being polite to everyone, making an effort to get to know junior women, being available for advice and encouragement, modeling positive relationships with other women in the office, both more senior and more junior than me, and with staff/outside agencies.

       I’m interested to see what other people are doing as well!!

    3. The best mentors I had were ones who gave me the help I asked for (rather than the help they thought I needed). I think accessibility and refraining from judgment both go a long way in a positive mentor relationship.

11. Those shoes the model is wearing though…LOL

    1. It reminds me of when I accidentally wear my slippers to the car in my full grown up suit and pearls. Like whoooops. crop that out….

    2. They look like jail sandals in black. Google jail sandals and you’ll see what I mean. Ugh.

12. I’m probably posting this too late in the day, but here goes. Tomorrow I’m meeting the head of R&D for my mid-large size pharma in a small informal setting (i.e. new hire lunch). What to wear? Dress-code for the company is business casual with men typically wearing button-downs and trousers. Women pretty much anything goes. Would trousers and an asymmetrical long blouse (navy) be fine? Or would the asymmetrical aspect be too trendy? FWIW I feel very comfortable in this outfit. Or I could go more traditional with a patterned blouse and a blazer?

    1. It sounds fine to me! I’m pretty familiar with that setting, and based on your description, I can’t imagine anyone batting an eye.

13. Am I the only one here that eats those toddler fruit purée things as a snack? They are delicious and so easy to throw in a purse and only like a dollar. I feel weird for snacking on them but I go through one or two a day.

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