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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Pretty! Crewnecks are hard for me to wear — they never feel as flattering as a V-neck or some other neckline to break up the expanse of chest — so I like the cutout detail on this simple 1.State dress (which also comes in black). It's partially lined, has a hidden back closure (huzzah!!), has sleeves, and is machine washable. It's $109, available in sizes XXS-XL. No reviews yet, but it's sold out in black in the XL, which in my online shopping experience is a sign that it's flattering on normal-sized bodies. 1.State Short Sleeve Sheath Dress
Oooh: these plus-size sheath dresses don't have a cutout detail, but they all look like awesome, simple sheath dresses for work — and they're all under $129: ottoman rib V-neck, belted V-neck, wrap detail, sleeveless with surplice detail.
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anon
Kat, can we not talk about “normal sized bodies”? I’m pretty sure any size from 0-16 and beyond is “normal.”
Ugh
Seconded. Whatever your own hang-ups are, it’s completely unnecessary to get the point across.
NormalIsASettingOnTheDryer
Agreed.
Also ready to talk about Amy Schumer being labelled plus-size… and defending herself based on her size (?!) Both sides of this seemed really weird to me.
Also in Academia
Thank you! I hated both that Glamour felt it necessary to do some wierd “women who inspire us but who we really mean are size 12 and up” issue AND that Schumer’s defense was “but I’m a size 6.” Who cares either way? How about Glamour just include cool women of all sized in all issues? That would be actual size diversity. And how about we all stop trying to prove we’re “normal size?” We are what we are.
JJ
I was typing a comment, but you said everything I was going to say. Everyone was annoying in that fiasco.
Opal
You’re totally right – Schumer missed the boat on this, too. What a missed opportunity to contribute meaningfully to the dialogue…
Anon
She didn’t. She’s saying, if people think a size 6 is plus size, then we’ve got a huge body image problem. What kind of message is that sending to young girls and people struggling with eating disorders? To be smaller than a 6 to be thin? She’s very, very far from plus size. I am decidedly plus size, and I think her response was spot on.
Annie
Maybe that’s what she intended. (Only she knows.) To me, it came off decidedly that she was offended that she’d be thought of as “plus size.” Even if she didn’t want “size 6’s” to think they’re “plus size,” it still implies that being “plus size” is a bad thing.
And let’s be serious — she’s not a size 6. That is the worst part of this whole thing.
Anonymous
I don’t know… I kind of understood Amy’s argument to be that she thinks it’s a bad example for girls who look at her and think that she is “plus size” based on Glamour’s labeling of her that way, and I think that’s a fair point. She is very much not plus size, she is average sized for an American woman and I think she only mentioned that she’s a size 6-8 to drive that point home. If girls look at Amy and think she’s “fat” (which, let’s be real, is what many people think “plus size” is a euphemism for), they’re going to think they have be dangerously thin to be slender.
Anonymous
That’s how I read it- And I think this article explains it well- http://www.avclub.com/article/amy-schumer-isnt-plus-size-goddamn-itand-why-it-ma-234860
Anonymous
But Amy Schumer IS PLUS SIZED. She is not a size 6. She is lying.
Anonymous
This is true, and I wish she hadn’t even put a number on it. Why did she do this…
B
Agree. I’m roughly the same size as her, though she’s a few inches shorter. I’m a 12. On the other hand, vanity sizing is a real thing. I have sizes M-XL in my closet, and 10-16, totally depends on the brand.
Cat
Yep. I’d suggest “flattering on many figures” instead.
Also, FWIW, I wouldn’t wear a cut-out style like this to work. If the actual neckline were that low, it would be completely fine. I just don’t like the “skin window” look for the office.
Anonymous
Same.
Bluestocking
I don’t like the cutout either, although the dress would be great without it. Crew necks are generally much more flattering on me than v necks.
Peach Pye
+1
Keep in mind the average American woman’s dress size is somewhere between 12-14.
Anonymous
“A wide range of body shapes and sizes” would be more judgement-neutral than “normal,” but I just can’t with the emotion and politics of adjectives describing women’s bodies anymore. It’s a total minefield! What is OK to say anymore?! You can’t say plus-size, normal-size, full-figured, regular women, real women, average, or any number of other descriptors I can’t think of at the moment without people getting offended. This may be my privilege as an “average-sized” woman showing, but I just feel like — there’s no shame in being any size, whether it’s petite, stocky, tall, lanky, large, whatever. Bodies are bodies, they come in a huge variety of shapes, and when we’re talking about clothes, we need to use words to describe the types on which they might look good or not. Can’t we assume benign intent on the vocab?
Anonymous
I guess I just stop to think “By calling this normal, what am I calling abnormal?” Kat could have said “it’s sold out in black in the XL, which in my online shopping experience is a sign that it’s flattering” and the same message would have come across. I also want to assume benign intent, but that doesn’t mean words don’t matter and don’t have meaning and don’t affect the people who hear/read them. And if we’re at all concerned about or sensitive to female body image at all, we should be making a conscious effort to work on the way we think about talk about women’s body shapes and sizes.
And for what it’s worth.. I think Kat meant “You don’t have to have a model’s figure [being abnormal] for this dress to be flattering” and I still find it problematic.
Also in Academia
Or that it’s not vanity sized or cut large – I mean, I take a medium in Lands’ End and sometimes a small in Talbots’ tops, but at most other stores I am a large in tops. I guess I view this as a chance to use language accurately, instead of using “normal” as a shorthand for something.
Anonymous
I think of things you call “vanity” sized as things designed to fit a broader spectrum of bodies.
Anonymous
I don’t see it that way at all. As vanity sizing increases, those on the smaller end get sized out. Vanity sizing doesn’t expand the range, it just moves the poles.
Anonymous
+1 to the anon above me. Vanity sizing is actually hugely helpful.
anon
I find vanity sizing to be hugely *un*helpful. In addition to making me an implausibly “small” size that isn’t even sold in some stores, it often increases the gap between sizes, making it harder to find the right fit.
Care
What is helpful about it is that technically these stores are making clothing for a broader range of sizes than if they didn’t use vanity sizing. What isn’t helpful is that they could make clothes true to size and just expand their sizes up to a higher number. The stores don’t want to admit that they carry clothes up to the larger sizes and supposedly people buy more clothes when the number is smaller (though that doesn’t make much sense to me – maybe they just buy more clothes when the store stocks clothes that actually fit them?).
Kat G
Yikes – what a minefield. My apologies to all who I offended. I was going to say “flattering…” and leave it there but it may very well not be flattering on smaller bodies. I was going to say “XL-sized bodies” since the XL was sold out, but that seemed like an even bigger minefield. I was going to say “curvy” bodies, but I hate associating curvy with XL because curvy comes in all sizes too.
Anonymous
That is assuming that the retailer makes the same number of all sizes, though. They could have lower quantities of XL vs M or S, since they expect it to not sell as much.
lawsuited
Definitely a minefield! I understood what you were trying to communicate, but I would have phrased it “the dress is sold out in XL in black, which in my online shopping experience is an indicator that the dress is flattering in the larger sizes”.
I’m glad that you tried to consider the wording carefully – sometimes the perfect phrasing comes to us and sometimes it doesn’t.
Anonymama
I read “normal” to mean “including a spectrum of sizes greater than only fashion model sizes.” Not to mean that fashion model sizes are abnormal either, just that “normal” also includes other, usually larger, sizes in addition to fashion model sizes.
Annie
Agreed. I appreciate when Kat gives information that certain clothes are apparently flattering on a range of sizes (as I’m not a size 4)! I didn’t read Kat’s comment to be judgmental. I can see why it might come across that way, I suppose, although I would rather that Kat say when something might look good on me than give vaguer comments to err on the side of caution.
I really wish that more clothes were designed to be flattering on bigger women. And by “bigger,” I just mean bigger than a 4/6. I don’t mean it judgmentally toward anyone.
KT
Agreed. I’m plus size, and I like to pretend I’m vaguely normal and not the owner of some freak body.
And my tall friend who is a willowy size 2 is also “normal”.
Coach Laura
I think what Kat meant was “not a paid fashion model” size body, not that any one else’s body is not “normal”. Historically, the fashion industry’s models were not normal (which is somewhat confusing now that there are plus-sized models). I sometimes wear XL and I wasn’t offended by the comment at all.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
There is still a problem with that, mainly that some of do have fashion model type bodies. I am 5’11” and ~130lbs. I don’t think I am a freak. I feel pretty darn normal and healthy, although I know I am not of average size.
Coach Laura
No, you’re not a freak and I was trying to say that no-one is a freak (though in my haste I didn’t say it well). Just that in my opinion, I think that “paid fashion models” are a different class than the general public but those that are built like paid fashion models are still “normal”. Normal people are those that buy the retailer’s clothes, not those who model them. I wasn’t implying that those who are model-sized are not normal.
anon
It’s clear to me that many here have bought into the mainstream standard of beauty. You don’t have to have a model figure to look good. I read about a multinational ad campaign focused on women, and the model they chose in Europe had a relateable appearance, but the model chosen for the US market had an aspirational appearance.
Anonymous
I think you’re completely missing the point. No one is saying that the mainstream or aspirational standard of beauty is “normal.” They’re saying that the full range of bodies is normal, and referring to size XL as normal implies that the other sizes are not.
Anonymous
To clarify, my second sentence should say that no one is saying those standards are normal *to the exclusion of others.*
Opal
For real.
Also, check out the recent Amy Schumer/Glamour Magazine exchange regarding their plus-sized-but-we’re-not-calling-it-plus-sized-issue-so-we’re-not-part-of-the-problem. UGH.
Billing
Does anyone else find billing their time to be extremely stressful? I’m not in law, but I have to bill 8 hours a day at my consulting company and it’s very stressful during slow periods when I’m scrambling to find something to do to fill the time (and I’m a pretty efficient worker, so I find that even when I do have a large task to do, I can complete it in less time than some coworkers). Does anyone have any tips for making this more manageable? I would so prefer to work somewhere where when the occasional slow day happens, you can just take a long lunch or do things like clean your office without feeling guilty. I’ve already tried talking to my supervisor, taking on some new projects, etc., but it’s slow all around for my company and there just isn’t much more I can do until it picks up.
Anonymous
If work is slow, take your time with your assignments. You don’t need to be efficient. If I give you 60 hours of work and you do it in 40, that’s nice but I would have preferred you bill all 60 depending on the contract.
Billing
I do that to some extent, but some of my contracts are so tightly budgeted that I can’t exceed my designated hours there (i.e. I have four hours per month to do X assignment and can’t just spend 8 because my work at the company overall is slow). It also feels really psychologically discouraging to be “wasting” time when I know I could do it so much faster.
Anon
Do you have a BS code you can charge to?
I work in a nearly identical environment (have to bill 8 hours, can’t take a long lunch, work more quickly than my peers, and my department is DEAD slow) and I find it tiring to be so tethered.
After a while, I realized that since it’s not my job to create work, I won’t feel guilty about charging 8 hours to our internal training code (our BS code). I do work when I have it, and I ask for more assignments, but it’s not my job to create work, and when my entire department is slow, that’s not on me.
It took me months to come to this point, because I’m not a slacker and very Type A, but I was so frustrated every day and eventually decided I had to let it go.
Billing
Yes, fortunately we do have one of those, but our supervisors get “billability” reports every week and it’s generally discouraged to charge to those codes. I think they must accept it to some extent when the whole company is slow, but still, I don’t want to be standing out for excessive charging to it. I’ve been using that time to learn a new computer program so it’s not entirely unproductive, but it’s still something I wouldn’t be doing if I just had more work. That’s a good point about it not being your job to create work – I’m pretty junior here and there is definitely nothing I can do to bring in more contracts.
Anon
My supervisors get the reports, too.
Is there anyone else at your level? Are they slow too? There are 2 other people with my title and we all came to a consensus a few months ago that we were just going to bill honestly – 8 hours to training if we did nothing that day – and it’d be up to management to fix it. We’ve asked and asked and asked for work. We’re junior and there’s not a darn thing we can do solve the problem. We figured there was safety in numbers – if all of us are slow, then it’s an institutional thing, not an individual thing.
It should be said, though, that we’re all perfectly fine losing our jobs should the company suddenly wake up and realize they’re paying a whole bunch of us to do nothing haha. (I’ve been looking for another job for a while now.)
Billable but Hourly
I’m both billable and hourly (not salaried). It makes me even more nervous than being billable and salaried, because I have this feeling like I shouldn’t be working overtime unless I’m 100% billable, but that’s not how the flow of work is. I may have random things to do show up throughout the day, but it’s a deadline driven industry, so overtime is necessary sometimes.
Baconpancakes
I don’t have a billable minimum, but rather a weekly target to bring in a reasonable paycheck, but my internship supervisors seem at a loss for how much more work I get done per hour, and keep scrambling to put me on more and more projects to fill my hours. Right now I’m on 4 projects, vs. the normal intern’s 1.
I don’t mind keeping honest on my reports and being more productive, but it does tick me off to realize that my fellow interns are clearly wasting their time and padding their hours. No one could be that inefficient.
Styling help needed
I do quite a bit of public speaking in my job and my go to outfit has always been my Theory black sheath dress + jacket. However, something about the all black outfit makes me look kind of bland. What kind of necklace would you guys recommend to brighten up the look? I don’t usually wear jewelry so not sure what’s best. Links would be greatly appreciated. Oh and budget is under $50 if possible, no more than $100. Thanks!!
X
How about something like this:
http://www.amazon.com/Chunky-Turquoise-Necklace-Statement/dp/B0085VT9KS/ref=pd_srecs_cs_197_29?ie=UTF8&dpID=51Ea1PZWd1L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL250_SR170%2C250_&refRID=1NSNDAK8YCDD626V5S0D
Anon
I have a chunky turquoise necklace (different style, same concept) that’s my go-to statement necklace.
NYC tech
A silk (or silky) scarf with a subtle pattern that includes some black and a flattering color. Personally, I find black and blue patterns to work best, but will depend on your coloring.
Anonymous
J Crew and Banana Republic are great for statement necklaces and they’re almost always having a sale with discount codes you can use online.
ITDS
Plus you can find knock-offs on Etsy for about one-fourth the price.
lawsuited
These may not be your taste, but I think they are awesome:
http://bananarepublic.gapcanada.ca/browse/product.do?cid=13909&vid=1&pid=168700003
http://bananarepublic.gapcanada.ca/browse/product.do?cid=13909&vid=1&pid=168721003
They are over $50 regular price, but they recently had a site-wide 40% off sale which would bring them under that.
IP Associate
Kate Spade sometimes has cute necklaces in the sale section for under $50 – I have a few pieces from her and love the quality.
Cb
A small victory to share! Some positive feedback received on my PhD progress / writing today after writing and re-writing the same chapter repeatedly. Still a long way to go and not enough hours in the day but feel like I’m making some forward progress and have an end in sight. Now just need to tackle my pile of marking and then I can focus on PhD stuff (plus conference papers and elections – but the worst of it is through)
Anonymous
Congratulations! What’s your general area of expertise?
Cb
Thanks! It’s comparative politics. Thankfully not American politics though – tempted to wear a button that says “No, I don’t want to talk about the US election”
Bewitched
None of us want to talk about the US election either!
Anonymous
Great! Go you!
Wendy
Congratulations – wishing you continued success!
Anonymous
I wouldn’t wear this cut out dress to my business casual office. I would be totally self conscious. But I’m sure others would totally rock the look!
CPA Lady
I don’t know about that. I think cut outs are weird in a business context, even though a dress with a neckline that low wouldn’t be weird. Something about the “this is a peephole/look at my chest skin” thing just bothers me, personally. I had a coworker wear this totally normal crew neck sweater with an off center cut out shaped like a comma and it seemed so weirdly inappropriate to see. Probably just my own hangups, but that’s my two cents.
Baconpancakes
I think it’s becoming technically acceptable because it’s so pervasive, but I agree. It’s like how fishnets are more risque than bare legs, because instead of just saying “hey, here’s some legs, look I am a bipedal mammal,” it’s saying “I’m going to cover up but let you peek at my legs, look, look, they’re covered up but not really hee hee aren’t I naughty?”
Idea
My high-neck tee shirt today has lace sleeves, and I’m covering it up with a cardigan.
SO yes, I agree. Don’t love “peek-a-boo” skin or outfits for the office.
Cat
Yep, agree with all of this — a regular neckline of that depth would be totally fine, but no skin windows for the office.
Hollis
+1,000,000. There’s no need to draw attention to an opening on an outfit. Ever.
Wendy
I love your description of fishnets – so true!
Sephora Sale
Let’s talk foundation. What do you use, what else do you add to extend its longevity (primer/setting powder), and if needed, how do you touch up during the day?
I look much more pulled together with my redness evened out, but my foundation (Sephora’s in house liquid brand) can’t seem to make it to the afternoon. But, this weekend there’s 10% off and it’s time to deal with this issue. Thanks!
Anonymous
I swirl my kabuki brush onto Sephora brand pressed powder, then onto Bobbi brown pressed powder and apply. Or I do them in two rounds…first the Sephora then the BB. Seems to work for my humid city. Then again, I have almost perfect skin.
Anonymous
Perfect? Are you saying my skin is imperfect just because it has acne (slash age spots, slash wrinkles, whatever)???
Different Anon
Oh come on.
Anonymama
(I’m pretty sure that comment was joking/tongue-in-cheek. I thought it was funny).
Sephora Sale
Thanks! Humidity will be an issue soon, so I’ll definitely look into this!
Shopaholic
I use Armani luminous silk foundation – it’s expensive but so worth it.
to make it last longer for special occasions, I will put some of the MUFE HD power on top.
Sephora Sale
Thanks!
Anonymous
It’s hard to answer that without knowing what kind of skin you have, what you’re concerned about and what kind of coverage you’re looking for.
I have somewhat decent skin, combination, occasional hormonal acne. For everyday I wear Smashbox CC cream. It has good lightweight coverage and colour correction, plus SPF. If I want a seriously flawless face with heavier coverage, I wear Urban Decay Naked foundation. I always use Nars creamy concealer on top.
You can use primer but I never find it makes that much of a difference for me. Setting with powder will help with longevity.
Sephora Sale
Your skin sounds like mine. Thanks for the advice!
Anon
Smashbox primer. I’m skeptical of products that seem gimmicky, but this honestly made an amazing difference – my makeup lasts a full 12 hours. There are different formulations for different skin types.
Anonymous
+100. I use this plus bare minerals original powder foundation and I still have great coverage at 10pm when applying at 6am.
Sephora Sale
Thanks! I’ve heard good things about the primer. I may need to give it a try.
JJ
I’ve recently started using YSL’s Touche Eclat Blur primer and it is the best primer I’ve ever used (I’ve previously used all the Smashbox iterations, Urban Decay, and Tarte). My go-to foundation for real coverage is Tarte’s Amazonian Clay foundation. It doesn’t make my skin freak out, evens my skin tone, and stays all day. It also doesn’t look like I’m wearing makeup, which is my true goal with foundation.
Calico
Oh! I didn’t see you posted about Tarte as well. Totally agree!
Sephora Sale
We have the same goal for foundation, I’ll look into the Tarte. Thanks!
mascot
FWIW, I’ve found that treating my redness with my moisturizer (Clinique anti-redness) is much easier than trying to cover it with primers and powders and such.
lucy stone
Ditto. I use this moisturizer, Benefit’s That Gal brightening primer which is pink but somehow helps with the redness, and then Even Better foundation.
Sephora Sale
Thanks! I may have to upgrade from just Cera Ve.
naijamodel
Milk of Magnesia as primer – the non-flavored version. I have oily, acne prone skin and have tried everything on Youtube and beauty blogs.
I wash my face, moisturize. Put about 1/4 of a teaspoon of MOM on my face, spreading with my fingers. Let it dry completely (it leaves a white cast). Then I buff in my foundation (cover girl queen 3 in 1), blot, concealer (Make up forever), blot, Powder (MAC blot) applied by “pushing”. Then I do the rest of my makeup.
People compliment my “skin” a lot since I started doing this.
naijamodel
Oh, to touch up, I use the Blotting Sheets by Clean and Clear. Dab those all over my face to absorb oil, then put on more Blot Powder. I touch up 2ce a day, but I really only need to touch up around lunch.
Sephora Sale
Thanks! I’m super impressed by your routine.
Anonymous
My secret weapon for getting my foundation to stay put is a trick I got from Youtube makeup artist Wayne Goss – you put on your moisturizer and sunscreen, your primer, and then you actually apply a bit of loose powder BEFORE your foundation. If you have dry skin, you may not need to powder afterward; if your skin is more oily, hit the t-zone with the powder afterward. The powder helps lock down the foundation somehow – it’s like magic.
You can search “goss method foundation” on youtube if you want to watch the video explanation.
Sephora Sale
Thanks! I gave this a try this morning and so far so good.
Calico
I just bought Tarte Amazonian Clay 12 Hour Foundation. (Dang! Wish I had waited for the sale!) It’s great for evening out my redness. It is full coverage and lasts all day. I put it on with a flat brush I got on the cheap at Target. What I love about it is that I don’t need a primer and it stays put. I’m anticipating it will be perfect for the summer months when I get oily at the end of the day.
Sephora Sale
The Tarte foundation is getting a lot of love. I’m definitely going to look into it. Thanks!
lawsuited
I have not found any primers that really extend wear, although I do use them to minimize the look of pore, control shininess, etc.
If I want to make my make-up last all day and I know I won’t be able to touch it up (e.g. at trial) I use a longwear liquid foundation (MAC Pro Longwear, Lancome Teint Idole 24H), set with a finely milled powder (MUFE HD Microfinish Powder, Laura Mercier Translucent Loose Setting Powder) and spray with a longwearing finishing spray (MUFE Mist&Fix Setting Spray). This routine means that my make-up will literally still be in place the next day if I don’t wash my face (although blush, bronzer, highlight would have faded), but it’s a lot of product so I don’t do it every day.
If I know I’m going to be around the office and can touch up, then I use the Lancome Miracle Cushion foundation. The compact includes a sponge applicator that is actually good, and it’s the only liquid foundation I can touch up and actually look fresh and lovely rather than patchy.
If you don’t like liquid foundations, the best longwearing powder foundation is Tarte Amazonian Clay Full Coverage Airbrush foundation. As it’s powder, it’s very easy to touch-up.
Sephora Sale
So sorry, I thought I had responded. The miracle cushion foundation sounds awesome. I’m going to look into it!
Might not be the products
I had the same redness problem and tried many different primers and redness solutions to no avail. If you have rosacea, go to a dermatologist. I know there are some people here who claim that their GP can do the same things as a derm, but I disagree. My derm actually referred me to another derm who used laser-type tools to straighten out my rosacea. 5 or 6 treatments and 6 months later, my makeup stays put, no redness shining through at the end of the day.
Long story short, it might not be the makeup, it might be your skin. No matter what primer I used, no matter what foundation, or how many layers, I was always red by afternoon. Not so any longer.
Other things that have immensely helped my redness:
Daily Mirvaso and Finacea cream (prescribed by derm, and I think both have coupons on their websites)
No sulfates in any cleansers and no harsh, foamy cleansers – all natural, sensitive skin only (I love Say Yes to Cucumbers)
No physical exfoliants (ie scrubs, etc.)
Never washing my face in the shower or in anything warmer than cool, not cold, water; lukewarm at the hottest
Getting allergy tested and avoiding my allergens the best I can
Managing temperature – heat makes me redder
Periodic facials of greek yogurt/raw honey/apple cider vinegar (found the recipe in an XOJane article)
Good luck my sister! I feel your pain. It’s really frustrating but don’t give up.
Sephora Sale
Thanks for the solidarity. Also working with my Derm on this issue and I’ll check out your other recommendations!
Houda
For big presentation days and when I am self-conscious about some skin issue but can’t bother with concealer: Becca ultimate coverage complexion cream. A tiny bit on my real techniques brush and buff it around my face focusing on problem areas. This will cover anything on your skin.
For all other days: urban decay naked skin which gives normal skin coverage.
For both, I powder my face using a sleek pressed powder. If I need even more coverage, I would use MAC studio fix powder foundation on top.
Sephora Sale
Great, thanks! I’ll definitely look into those products.
Why am I still shopping for clothes?
Why, after decades of being the same size and decades of working in the same job/field/location am I still shopping for clothes?!
[The inner voice says: you do not have the right clothes; you have clothes that you’re not crazy about and keep them b/c otherwise you’d have nothing; you expect too much of clothing (you want every outfit to be a great outfit and be almost life-changing but that’s putting too much expectations of garments).]
I want to toss about 75% of what I have and just order about 2K of stuff off of MM LaFleur and be done with it.
Runner 5
Because things wear out. I looked at how much I’ve spent on clothes this year and depressingly although it’s been quite a lot it’s almost all been on replacing things that have worn out. (Or finally finding things off the list of things I’ve wanted for ages and not found ‘the one’ of)
Anonymous
IDK
I don’t wear our a lot of things. But I will get something with the best of intentions and it turns out to be a C+ purchase. I keep it. I find a replacement/upgrade but keep the C+ while I road test the new thing. It might wind up as a B- by the time the road testing is in. But b/c it is a B-, I keep looking. I keep trying. The closet fills up, but none of it is great, merely good.
The C- / D+ items are donated. The worn-out stuff is donated. If I had a closet full of fancy / c*cktail attire I never wore, I’d understand that. But my closet is full of everyday clothes just sitting there, unloved (but tolerated).
Runner 5
I totally do the C+/ B- and keep looking things. Generally I try to donate those when I get the A stuff. Sometimes things go from being a B+ to a C- because I’ve put on weight (which I know I can and will get off) and because they were a great deal I keep them. I move house so often though that I really shouldn’t do that.
Baconpancakes
I mean, if you look good in MM LaFleur and you can afford it, why not? $2k isn’t that much for peace of mind. Just put together a work uniform you feel good/productive/professional in, and decide to just get a couple of pieces a year (somewhere between 4-8) to keep the wardrobe from feeling really stale and to replace pieces when they actually wear out.
AIMS
I agree. It sounds like you have a lot of pieces that are just okay, maybe even “good enough” but that don’t “spark joy” within you, to borrow from Marie Kondo. I have that problem too. I have a drawer full of tees I never wear that I think will be good “around the house” tees; suits that don’t make me feel good that I think of as “extra, emergency suits” that sit unworn… I had a realization when I was pregnant and had to get maternity stuff how few things I actually need and how awesome it was getting dressing when rather than sorting through a whole bunch of stuff I felt ambivalent about I had just a few things that fit and I really liked. I’m trying to recreate that feeling now with my old clothes but it is still hard to toss things on the off chance I may want them later.
Anonymous
AIMS, I could have written your exact post, word for word.
CPA Lady
I’m in the “do it” crowd too. I would rather have 5 amazing dresses that I wore every week than a bunch of mis-matched mediocre stuff. It’s one of my life goals for when I don’t have a toddler anymore.
Maddie Ross
I think there’s nothing wrong with that approach in theory, but I think one of the reasons that you are still shopping, year after year, is that styles do change – even “classic” styles – over the years. Sometimes it’s super minor, but take a look at the black suit you were wearing 10 years ago and compare it to a black suit today. Even if from the same retailer, the style has changed. On mine at least, the jackets are more nipped in, a little shorter at the moment, and the pants are narrower (though the style on pants seems to be swinging back). I think it’s impossible to say you will buy something – even something custom – and “never” shop again.
January
+1. I don’t think it’s really possible to stop buying clothes, even if you’re into minimalism and classic styles.
Anonymous
Yeah, this. Also clothes just don’t last forever. Something high end might look nice for five years instead of a year, but after a certain number of wearings and dry cleanings it’s going to look worn no matter how high quality it is.
Senior Attorney
Yes. Clothing is a consumable. If you expect your clothes to last forever you will always be disappointed.
Black blazers and jeans and white shirts, in general, may be classics that never go out of style. But any given black blazer or pair of jeans or white shirt will eventually start to show its age (lapel width, flares/skinnies, trim vs. relaxed fit, etc) and need to be replaced.
MDMom
Agree. Also, your own style and preferences may change some over time. I know mine is constantly shifting and, in my opinion, improving. There will also always be times when you get a little bored with what you have and want to mix things up.
Anon
Do you know what your personal style is, and what you like to wear?
I used to be you. I had way too many clothes (that I didn’t wear) and felt like I was always shopping/replacing things, despite being the same size since teenage years and same level of formality for work. Once I really started thinking about what I like to wear the most (colors and styles), and kept/acquired only things that fit that bill, I became much happier, own about 25% of the stuff I used to, and rarely shop. It is very freeing.
Ex: for work, I’m either in a pencil skirt with a t-shirt or blouse, a tailored dress, or (rarely) skinny pants and a top. Flats always. Black, grey, camel, cream, and varying shades of blue. This might be hella boring to some people, but it is 100% me and I’m so happy that I no longer get stressed out by an excess of stuff.
Anonymous
Sticking to a color scheme is really helpful and helps me curb my mindless shopping addiction. For example, I’ve chosen black as my base neutral. Everything I own goes with black. I never buy navy, even if I love the item, because I want all my clothes to work together and never have anything go to waste. I generally stick to a black/ivory/grey color scheme.
Anonymous
This is funny — when I find something that’s an A, I buy it in at least 1 other color if I have the option.
But I do stick to a lot of black, gray, white, camel (so far: no colors on this list!), Carolina blue to turquoise in the blue family, red, and an occasional lavender or purple. Neutral heavy with hints of just a few true colors.
Color scheme
I do that too! I have tons of tops in multiple colors. I occasionally wear army green or cobalt blue with my black/ivory/grey. But again, it’s still within the same scheme and everything goes together. Army green especially is basically another neutral. I’m not a big color person in general, though. I think colorful clothes make me look juvenile.
Fishie
+1
Killer Kitten Heels
I just packed away 80% of my clothing and banished it to the attic so I can do a trial-run of my new “minimalist” capsule wardrobe for six months. So far, I love having a smaller wardrobe – it’s really simplified the process of dressing myself, and because I pared down to my top 20% of items, everything fits nicely and is flattering and wearable, so there’s no more struggle with the awkward-fitting-but-technically-fine-but-wait-no-I-sort-of-hate-these clothes. If I’d had the spare $2K lying around, I probably would’ve junked everything and started over completely instead of paring down my closet, but even just minimizing has been freeing.
Anon
It’s been a rough morning. Please tell me how bad this transgression is….
When our nanny started 10 months ago I told my husband that I thought she should have access to the baby monitor so she can see what’s going on in our baby’s room during naptime. We use a Dropcam as a baby monitor so it is an online based camera. We discussed giving her access to the camera through an app on the phone but then jointly decided that would be weird bc then she could look at the monitor anytime, even when she wasn’t at our house. We discussed giving her access to our Ipad with the app already installed so that she could view the monitor via the app on the Ipad and then she’d only have access to the monitor while at our house. My husband didn’t want to do that because he has his email, etc. on the Ipad and he didn’t want her to have access to it. Fast forward 10 months and nothing had been done to remedy the situation. One of my friends posted on FB yesterday about how her child had attempted to climb out of his crib and got stuck between the crib and dresser and was hanging by his neck! She checked on him via the monitor before running to jump in shower. This totally freaked me out and got me thinking more about how our nanny REALLY needs access to the baby monitor, not just for convenience but for safety purposes. Sorry this is the longest story in the world….So this morning before work I decided that I was just going to give our nanny the password to the Ipad without telling my husband because I’m so sick of talking about it and he wasn’t offering any solutions. There is nothing on the Ipad (that I’m aware of) that would be bad for her to see. Well, I went to text her the password and I accidently texted it to my husband instead. Then I had to come clean to him about the whole situation…I admitted that I meant to text the password to our nanny but I accidently texted it to him. He is pissed because I gave her the password after discussing it and him disagreeing. He then said he was factory resetting the Ipad from work. I didn’t check to see if he actually reset it.
I understand that I broke his trust by doing something one sided. Opinions???? I’m kind of stressed out about this and I know it’s going to be an argument tonight.
Nonparent
If you trust her enough to look after your kid when you’re not there, why would it be weird for her to look at the app when she’s not at your house…?
Anon
I just don’t want someone looking in on our life at any given moment even if nothing is done in the baby’s room that’s out of the ordinary. It weirds me out.
Anonymous
And yet you completely disrespect, minimalize, and belittle his completely rational privacy concerns about giving her access to anything he has in his email or on his iPad.
Anon
I admitted that I was wrong. I didn’t belittle. I’m coming here asking for how I fix this….thanks for the additional shaming.
Anonymous
In an emergency (here, imagined, but real to her), he knew that that was an option. And it seems to be the less-invasive option than giving the nanny remote access.
Lesser of the harms. If he had truly cared enough about this, he’d have fixed this in 5 minutes the way we internet strangers were able to, before the crisis presented itself.
He gets to be p*ssed, but should be p*ssed at himself, too. He had a hand in creating / continuing a bad situation and needs to own that.
Anonymous
Why don’t you get a second baby monitor that has a handheld monitor she can use while she is there?
Anon
I suggested that to my husband a long time ago and he didn’t want to spend another $100 for another device that does the same thing as the Drop Cam. He said we should get one or the other and we decided on the Drop cam because it doesn’t have range limitations (you can be doing yard work and check on baby).
Anonymous
Right, but to avoid this argument that gets to the root of trust in your marriage- spend the $100 to have a second means of monitoring the baby for your nanny.
I mean, don’t make a problem unfixable over $100.
Anon
Oh I totally agree. He’s very careful about every dollar spent and to him this wasn’t worth the money. I should’ve pushed harder.
Anonymous
I just don’t get it… You could go on Facebook and buy a second-hand baby monitor for $50 or even had one gifted to you by a parent who doesn’t need it anymore. Spending 10 months going back and forth about finding a solution to a non-problem is what confuses me here.
If you knew you were going to have to do something “without permission” to solve the problem- why choose to give his iPad password away rather than spend the money to get another monitor? I guess that’s what I’d be asking myself- Why did I make the decision to give up his privacy over spending the money? Because you thought he wouldn’t find out about the iPad but he would see that you spent the money? I have to think that his reaction to you spending $50-$100 would be much less damaging than his reaction to you giving your nanny his iPad password…
Anonymous
To anon @ 11:42 — I think that the element of panic won out here. People do what they can with the bad options on hand at the moment.
[And we can see that absent panic, they could have gone on years with the bad options they had, never making any decision.]
Color scheme
OP, get a grip. You’re a working woman making your own money. You don’t need his permission to buy something. Spend the $50 or whatever to get another monitor.
Anonymous
On her unilaterally buying a monitor (pre-this), wouldn’t that have been unilaterally solving what had been proposed as a “we solve this together” problem?
At what point (if you’ve discussed recently), do you get to declare that there is a stalemate / inaction paralysis / stale-ness to the original ask to go out and fix (esp. if spending $ is also a known issue)? [I pose this as a larger question, as I am a long-time single trying to navigate marital decision-making with a spouse that is likely to have an opinion but unlikely to act unless something is on fire.]
Anonymous
Do you usually communicate like this? Just mention things once and let them fester? Why didn’t you revisit this when you couldn’t figure out how to get the nanny Dropcam access?
Anon
I’ve addressed it with him probably 5x in the last 10 months. I just couldn’t handle discussing it anymore.
Anonymous
If you’re really concerned about the safety of your child, then go out today and buy another monitor. Put an end to it.
Anonymous
He is letting it fester, too, no?
Can it just be OK for there to be acknowledgement that one either needs to fish or cut bait sometimes?
Anonymous
Not addressing the husband drama (sometimes you have processed the problem long enough and just need to make a decision and own it, right or wrong, b/c in your shoes your motivation (baby safety) is right even if your acts were things you’d address differently in retrospect) . . .
Can you just get an old school baby monitor from Target? Ours was about $100 and had a camera and a monitor that it talked to. It was by our downstairs TV and never moved from there but had a plug/battery if we had moved it around. The audio only ones are about $20.
FWIW, if your kid is pulling up / walking / climbing, it might be time to move to a cot / mattress on the floor if you have any doubts about your crib (I used a crib up until age 2 for a tall kid, but YMMV).
Anon
The crib is all the way down, I have no concern about him climbing out at this time. The crib is a completely safe place.
A
Then why did you breach your husband’s trust to give the nanny the password–when you already knew he was not comfortable with that?
Anonymous
This, exactly. Did you panic an imagined risk, or were you kinda pleased to have an excuse to get at him for some reason. What else is going on?
Anon
He got his leg really stuck between the rails this past weekend. I heard him crying but thought that he was just protesting his nap. I looked on the monitor and saw that he was stuck and went in and freed his leg. Many people are saying well just look in there. That is an option but when you go in, it’s starts him over at square one. If he sees you, he thinks it’s time to get up and he throws a massive fit when you leave. It’s easier to look at the monitor and confirm that he is fine and is simply protesting his nap.
I didn’t want to get at my husband. I just wanted the nanny to be able to monitor our baby when he’s napping. I’m currently checking my phone a bunch at work to make sure he is okay and it messes with my productivity.
Anonymous
Then turn off your access to the app and go order a baby monitor on Amazon prime. Which you could have done this weekend. You have a bundle of excuses but this just really wasn’t okay.
Bewitched
I get your concern, and I also get that you were trying to accommodate hubby by not spending extra money on a second monitor. I do that sometimes, bend over too far and then realize I have a backache! That said, I agree with other posters that in your panic, the best idea would have been to buy a second monitor. The risk to baby for one day was low (situation has not changed in 10 months), and privacy violation to hubby was high. So, I would fall on my sword, tell hubby I panicked, apologize and only then, attempt to explain my thinking-not by way of deflecting responsibility, but just so that hubby knows I was thinking of baby and my primary intent was not to go against his wishes. Then apologize again.
Anonny
+1
Our oldest is 7 years old. We had him in a 1000 sq ft house built in 1950s with 1 bathroom. So, no need for a baby monitor, ha, you could hear everything.
For our 2nd this year we just got an audio monitor.
Am I sure I’d hear him crawling out between the crib and the dresser? Gd, no, how horrible! So I’ll go home tonight and move the dresser! The audio monitor is fine for us.
We also d0n’t have iPads. We’re poor.
Anonymous
Don’t argue. You were 100% in the wrong. Just apologize profusely, explain why you were suddenly panicked, and then apologize again. The solution isn’t giving her baby monitor access, it’s making sure the crib is safely set up. You can get an iPad for $400 and have it available to her. You can get an actual baby monitor instead of an app. It’s not just your husband not finding solutions here, you also didn’t do anything for 10 months. Completely inappropriate to decide to just go ahead and violate his privacy against his express wishes secretively.
Anonymous
Way harsh, Tai.
If you trust the nanny with your *child*, how do you not trust her with ipad access while she is in your house?
Srsly though: second monitor.
ace
Sorry, but +1. Also, if the email on the iPad is his work email, you could potentially be causing him to violate IT security protocols — I guess you knowing the password isn’t great either, but sharing it without his permission strikes me as really problematic.
not the OP
Well, he’s already violated them. HE did that. That has been the situation for a while. He can’t turn around and complain now that his self-compromised security is further compromised.
At any rate, kid’s safety ought to matter more.
Anon
It’s not his work email.
MDMom
I agree generally, but I can understand why you panicked and I’d hope he would also.
Our dropcam is set up to only be accessible via our home Wi-Fi. Maybe that’s an option? Do you need to check in from work?
Otherwise, just get a used older ipad or other tablet, whatever is cheapest, and set it up for her. And make sure crib is set up safely.
Maddie Ross
I don’t understand why you didn’t just buy a second monitor…
mascot
Honestly? Just get a regular video monitor that has a handheld unit. Or even a sound only monitor. A 10 month old is pretty noisy when attempting a jail break I’d imagine. Or, lowest tech of all, ask her to physically look in on your child while they sleep. Technology doesn’t have to cause this many problems.
TBK
Maybe I’m missing something but why don’t you just either buy a second baby monitor or buy a cheap tablet for the nanny? Neither will cost more than $200 and that seems like a good deal for your peace of mind. As for your husband, I would be really, really extremely angry if I were him. It’s not just that you did it without telling him, it’s that he’d explicitly said he wasn’t okay with that, and yet you went ahead behind his back. And he didn’t find out because you confessed; he found out because you misdirected a text. I think you need to be okay with rebuilding his trust over time. It would take me awhile to bounce back from this. Sure, it wasn’t cheating on him, but you disregarded his feelings even though he’d clearly expressed them. I would be so hurt by that.
SC
+1 to “you disregarded his feelings even though he’d clearly expressed them.” I think you need to be ready to apologize sincerely and give your husband space to be pretty p*ssed off. And maybe implement the solutions suggested here to demonstrate that the monitor is important to you, and you were suddenly panicked.
Anonymous
I think momentary freak-out over safety (even if unfounded) trumps husband’s feelings on a subject when husband is aware of the problem but isn’t providing help on the workaround. She’s doing what she should do — right motive, wrong execution. Husband needs to focus on the motive here and get over it.
Anonymous
Why do you value her unnecessary irrational panic over his legitimate concerns?
Anonymous
Because she could have been *right*
And the harm had she been right far, far outweighs the harm of her being wrong.
Anonymous
Lol. No. After 10 months of doing nothing she doesn’t get to pretend this was suddenly a legit emergency.
Senior Attorney
Right? I think the OP’s conduct is pretty indefensible. Good Lord.
Anonymous
You don’t get to argue hindsight if a person is motivated by panic and what-if. And husband needs to know that he has a panic-y wife, so if you let a problem fester, you may not be around when it needs fixed in pinch.
HSAL
I’m with Anonymous at 11:47. I think the “right motive, wrong execution” sums it up perfectly. Yes, there were other options but the time for that is past. Husband gets to be mad but he should get over it. If you trust someone with your child, you should trust them with access to a device that has your information on it. Going forward, get her a cheap tablet and change his password.
HSAL
Actually, I reread the original post and am going to backtrack a little. You didn’t like the option of her installing the app on her phone? I get that, but when push came to shove you secretly chose your preference over your husband’s.
Saw your follow-up below and I agree it seems weird your husband was so adamant about HIS (your) iPad. But good plan to reclaim it and let her use it.
Killer Kitten Heels
Agree with this.
A non-Apple tablet will cost you around $45 on Groupon, and would’ve been an incredibly simple solution. I’m stymied by why (a) you all couldn’t come up with a $45 solution that would’ve addressed both your valid safety concerns and his *equally valid* privacy concerns in the course of TEN months; and (b) why you’d go behind his back the way that you did, after he’d been really, really explicit that he did not want the nanny to have access to his iPad and it was important to him.
OP, I know you’re already feeling badly, but I’m on your H’s side here – this was an absolutely massive breach of his trust, and you’ve basically told him that his concerns about privacy mean nothing to you. It’s possible my H and I are unusually private, but we don’t even have access to each other’s iPads, let alone giving that kind of access to outside parties – it’d be a huge trust issue for me if my H gave away access to something personal of mine like that, so I completely understand where your husband is coming from. It honestly seems like you wanted to get into it with him for dragging his feet on solving the baby monitor problem, so you decided the “easiest” solution was the one that would be most likely to set off a marital sh!tstorm.
Anonymous
Maybe I don’t get this because we never even had an audio only monitor with our kids, so I find your concern about the camera to be misplaced, but I would be angry beyond belief if my husband had given our nanny the password to a device that had my email on it. I
anon
I agree. We don’t have a video monitor (do have audio, only so we can go out in the yard) and the idea of giving someone a password to that kind of device for something that seems so totally unnecessary really rubs me the wrong way.
Red Velvet
I think you have to explain you know you were going behind his back but your judgment was blinded by your worry about your child’s safety and the frustration he wasn’t coming to a solution.
I can see his point about not letting someone else have the iPad password, but if he knows this is upsetting you, he has to find a way round. Either he accepts the iPad isn’t a big deal or comes up with an alternative.
I don’t have a child so know nothing about these things, but could you get a second monitor system she has access to, but you turn off when she’s not there?
Anonymous
*1,000 to paragraph #1
His not coming up with a solution in the 10 months he’s had to think of it means he doesn’t get to be full-on mad.
Child > ipad
Anonymous
Well, but *he* doesn’t have to come up with the solution- *they* do.
Anonymous
Although all of the solutions are that SHE just go out and buy a second monitor.
Problem solved by US (and maybe her), but definitely not THEM. Dude needs to step up and contribute something besides apathy and outrage.
Anonymous
Dude seems to be fine with no monitor. Which is a legitimate position to take. Most babies aren’t monitored like we do here.
Anonymous
Nonsense. Child is in no more danger now than at any time in the previous ten months. It’s not just husband not finding a solution, it’s both of them. If she really wanted nanny to have a monitor the solution is buying one, not covertly violating her husband’s privacy.
Anon
Except that he can now stand up and move around. Before he laid there like little babies do.
Anonymous
Then buy a monitor.
Anonymous
I agree that it’s inappropriate for the nanny to have access to your personal ipad. Get a cheap second monitor – ask other moms you know if they have one you can borrow.
Anonymous
Why not just password protect the email app on the iPad?
Anonymous
I totally do this on my e-mail. Suspenders and a belt.
pil
Can you password protect individual apps on an iPad?
lawsuited
It’ll be okay. When you see your husband tonight, apologize for (almost?) sharing the password with the nanny despite having discussed it previously and agreeing not to give the nanny access to the iPad. Explain that you really had the best intentions of making sure your child was safe, but over-reacted and a momentary lapse in judgment.
Going forward, it might be a good idea for your husband to remove his email from the iPad for the time being so that the nanny can use it for Dropcam. I think others’ suggestion of getting another monitor is a sensible one, but if your husband really doesn’t want to spend any more money on a monitor or another iPad for the nanny to use, then modifying the iPad you already own is your alternative. Presumably your husband can access his email on his phone or computer, so not being able to access on the iPad in addition should not be a great hardship. You child won’t need video monitoring forever, and at that point your husband can resume using the iPad for email.
AIMS
It’s hard to keep track of this discussion with all the anons and anonymouses, but it sounds like you, OP, are asking for how to fix the issue with your husband. I think you have to go home tonight, fall on your sword, admit that you were wrong to do what you did, explain your motivation (panic about baby), and propose a plan for going forward: either you a) get a monitor (audio or visual), b) your husband puts a password on anything he wants protected on his ipad and you give nanny ipad access, or c) you give your nanny access on her device. This is not complicated and not a problem that you need to have – you can get a video monitor on ebay for $20-40.
I think I understand why you chose to do what you did – you panicked and this was the quickest, easiest way to immediately deal with the problem – but this is not the way you should be handling these things going forward. And your husband, for his part, can’t just deflect issues and hope that they go away. He’s responsible for creating this problem, too, at least in part. But you can’t allow things to fester to the point where you do things like this either. You should really both talk about how you will handle these issues in the future.
OP Here
Thanks AIMS. A lot of it was panic. I feel like there are things you can draw out and some things you shouldn’t. I don’t want something to happen to my kid because I got sick of talking about how to give the nanny access to the monitor. Honestly, I think I just lost my patience with my husband and decided that this was the fastest and easiest way to deal with the issue. I admit that I was wrong though. I’m losing my patience with things that he draws out honestly. Probably a stupid example, but his parents have been wanting to buy him a smoker (to smoke meat) for Christmas and he was supposed to pick one out. He hasn’t done the research on the one he wants. Every week his mom reminds us that they’d really like to get that smoker purchased. It’s just freaking annoying. Sh_t or get off the pot ya know?
Anonymous
I think you need to be honest with yourself. You didn’t really panic- if you did you could’ve jut given her access to the app. What you did was get fed up and decide that your privacy concern (access to the app) was more important than your husbands (access to the email) and you took action without integrity. You didn’t say “look husband this is gettin ridiculous, I’m giving her access tomorrow mornig if you want to remove your email tonight.” You waited a night and then did it without telling him. I think you messed up huge because I can’t stand People who don’t stand by their actions. You were sneaky and even now you are using te excuse “te baby’s safety was most important” when you could’ve given her access to the app. You didn’t cuz you are ma at your husband and you have a whole host of other things going on. Imagine if he had gone and given her the app access and you didn’t know. You gave her access and weren’t going to tell him so he would have no idea she would have access to his email. Own up to what you did.
I’m not saying he is a peach either and it sounds like you have a whole host of issues going on but start by really being honest with yourself cuz you are not in these posts
Anonymous
This. This exactly.
Suburban
+1 Also, let’s not let “panic”excuse everything. It’s not as if your child was in immediate danger and you made the best decision you could have at that moment. You had a legitimate fear after a friend shared a scary situation. That doesn’t excuse you from rational behavior.
OP Here
I don’t know why I panicked this morning and gave her the password. You all are right, I should’ve just bought a closed circuit camera and told him that he didn’t come up with a solution so I did. But that’s not what I did so now I have to apologize to him, etc. He said he was going to wipe the Ipad remotely from his office. If he did wipe it, then whatever, now there’s nothing on it. I’ll install the Nest app and we’ll be good to go.
Back story (if it even matters): the Ipad was given to me as a bonus last year by my boss after a job well done on a project (it is my Ipad, not my company’s). My husband asked me if he could put his apps on it, etc. and I told him sure, I don’t mind sharing it and wasn’t using it much. I went to install an book on it a few weeks ago because my Kindle broke and he flipped out, saying that he had customized it to be his own and that he didn’t want my stuff on there. It seemed like an irrational response and I just did not understand what the big deal was. I think he was worried about ME looking at the stuff on the Ipad, which got me worried about what he looks and does on there. So I looked around a bit and found nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe he’s just a REALLY private person, I don’t get it. But he’s also great with computers so who knows….but that’s a whole nother ball of wax. I don’t think he’s cheating but I guess you never know for absolutely 100% sure.
Anonymous
Ok, so you are either trolling or really confused. It’s not his iPad, it is yours, yet for ten months you’ve let him decide how it is used and make it his? What? Tell him you’re sorry, and also that you are taking YOUR iPad back and giving the nanny access. And ask yourself why you let things get here.
OP Here
Pretty much he assumed since I hardly use it that he could adopt it to be his own. That’s my plan…I’ll tell him tonight that I want it back even though I hardly use it since we are clearly unable to share it. I’ll remove any passwords from it and tell the nanny she is welcome to use it to view the baby monitor. Uhhh. I’m just emotionally exhausted.
Anonymous
And maybe figure out why you’re worried he is cheating and deal with that issue?
Concerned bystander
OP’s new info is sending up all sorts of red flags. What is on that iPad that he is so desperate to protect? Seriously, he sounds like he has something to hide–why else would he wipe the iPad even though the nanny never actually got the password? That seems pretty drastic to me. Does he engage in any other weird, secretive behavior?
Anonymous
Really?!?!?!? He’s been totally fine with his wife having the passcode, just not the nanny. Until she violated his trust.
OP Here
What doesn’t make sense though, is I have the pw. If he was doing super secretive things on there that wouldn’t make sense because I could look at it at any time. Sorry if I was unclear, I did give the nanny the pw. I was like oops…I sent it to my husband instead of to you, I’ll send it to you. And then I realized what I had just done.
He doesn’t engage in other weird, secretive behavior that I am aware of.
Anonymous
Wait wait. You said you sent it to him instead of her. You did that and then went ahead and still sent it to her?!?!? Of course he is resetting it.
Anonymous
+1 to Anonymous at 12:56 pm. I was waiting for this to come up the whole thread!
Killer Kitten Heels
Some people are just naturally more private – my H and I don’t share passwords or devices at all. I just don’t like the idea of being in the middle of, say, a trashy romance novel on the Kindle app and him opening it up while he’s trying to download his own latest read, nor does he necessarily want me to know exactly how much storage space he’s currently burning on digital comics. We’re not up to anything shady, and we trust each other, we just have our own inner lives that don’t necessarily need to be 100% shared. I don’t think it’s necessarily weird that OP’s H doesn’t want her poking around his personal stuff (especially if she’s prone to boundary-violating bouts of “panic” like this morning’s nanny-iPad debacle – what happens if she’s suddenly “panicking” because she read something on FB that convinced her that her H was cheating? Would she go through his email on “their” iPad? My money is on h3ll yes, she’d go there, and I can understand why her H doesn’t want to open himself up to that kind of irrational scrutiny).
Annony Hippo
I’m wondering if OP is from a culture and/or tradition where the husband is the main decision maker at all times and the wife is expected to comply. Or else sneak around his rules which is what OP seems to be doing here.
If this is the case, we are offering advice based on our culture that is very different from what the OP’s background is.
Now, I’m not sure if this OP is the one who’s had several posts that gave me this vibe, but they are coming from a very similiar voice/vibe, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
If so, OP, YOU are going to have to make some decisions as to how “TRADITIONAL” you intend to be in your marriage. I don’t think random (mostly American) strangers can give you completely appropriate advice to your unique situation.
Somehow, you’re going to have to decide for yourself–and with your husband–if you want a traditional marriage where he is the boss, or you want a more equal partnership version of marriage.
That’s not something we can decide for you.
OP Here
I’ve noticed that whenever I post here for advice I end up feeling worse instead of better so I’m just going to go. What I did was wrong, I shouldn’t have shared the password since he told me he didn’t want to share it. I’m going to get my Ipad back and tell him that he can buy his own tablet if he wants one. Done deal.
Can't Don't Attitude
Agree. Work advice is usually pretty spot on, but life advice from these women can get straight up hurtful and mean.
pj
I feel like everyone is beating you to a pulp. I really don’t see this being a HUGE issue. Sure, you went against what he said, but in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn’t seem that huge to me.
Anonymous
i think that’s because when it comes to personal advice people don’t really want to hear what other people think of it- and want to hear that they did ok. and so it comes off as being worse, but really, it’s just that when it comes to personal stuff, people want to hear what they want to hear.
TravelAnon
Hug. You’re a person with a 10 month old. That’s hard. People make mistakes. I wish you luck and a happy resolution :)
Color scheme
Girl, you have a whole bunch of problems to address with your husband way beyond a baby monitor.
Anonymous
+1
Bonnie
Just apologize to him. You should not have given her the iPad when he strongly opposed it. Not sure why this became such an issue. You can buy a camera with a separate monitor for under $100 or a cheap wifi iPad mini for nanny to use.
Hollis
I have three young kids and while I had a nanny for 3 years, I never had a baby monitor or an ipad. When a baby is crying, unless the caregiver is outside of the house or something, you can usually her them crying. You don’t need to “see” the baby sleeping in order to have assurances that they are, in fact, asleep (or quietly playing in the crib). Whenever a child was old enough to walk, I switched the kid into a toddler bed. In each case, we kept the furnishings in the room minimal.
I am wondering if this is all a symptom of you either not trusting the nanny or feeling overly anxious about leaving your child at home. As others have pointed out already, there are bigger issues here than the monitor.
Anonymous
Nah, bro.
Sometimes I want to check on the (hopefully asleep) kid without a non-asleep kid hearing my footsteps and getting all happy that I am coming to play, etc. I just want to peek. I like that the monitor lets me peek with no (other than convos like this) downside.
ml
I am beyond confused by this whole thread, and agree with Hollis. We didn’t have a video monitor, and we didn’t use our audio monitor most of the time, either. In fact, our monitor broke when my youngest was about 5 months old and we didn’t bother to replace it. OP’s friend’s baby had a freak accident that luckily sounds like it turned out fine, but a baby managing to trap itself by the neck climbing out of its crib is not what I would call a normal thing that you need to take specific monitoring actions to prevent. It would make a helluvalot more sense to just baby-proof your nursery so that you don’t feel like you need to have eyes on your kid to be sure he’s safe in there!
All that aside, I agree that the husband deserves a profuse apology. Not wanting people to have full access to your e-mail sounds pretty normal to me — we password-protect all our computers and devices because nanny, cleaning lady, visiting family members, friends, etc. H and I both know the passwords, obviously, and our e-mails auto-login so we effectively could read each other’s e-mail anytime… but a spouse having access to your e-mail is, to me, fundamentally different than an employee having access to your e-mail. I would be livid if my husband handed that out in anything absent a life-threatening emergency. Panic/irrational fear does not count.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
How could you give out a password over your husband’s privacy concerns?
And this discussion has been going on for 10 months? Buying another monitor for $100 was out of the question then entire 10 months? Is this for real or trolling?
Spirograph
Did the nanny even ask for access? I guess this sort of depends on your nanny and the configuration of your house, but I don’t think our nanny would have used a monitor. She was always within earshot of the baby when he was napping, if not in the same room. I mean this kindly: video monitors are such an American and first-child thing. If your nanny is older than 25, foreign, or has kids of her own, I doubt she has given this a second thought in the last 10 months. You took an imaginary problem – nanny not being able to use the video monitor – and turned it into a very real one – your husband’s privacy concerns. Whatever your motivation, I think you need to apologize.
Sigh...
Made my first substantive mistake since lateraling as a biglaw midlevel a few months ago…. I will own it up and admit it to the partner but I am just so mad at myself for tarnishing my brand so early on. No advice necessary; just ranting.
Nati
Mistakes happen – to EVERYONE. Almost no mistake is unfixable if you are willing to be honest about it early enough. What’s more, making a mistake is a really quick way to learn something and make sure you’ll never forget it (I’m finding the silver lining for you here).
It sucks but please know this is just…life.
Senior Attorney
Yes. And once you have made it right, don’t keep apologizing. Let it go.
Hollis
No, you did not tarnish your brand or anything like that. Everyone makes mistakes. Seriously, everyone. And dwelling on it will not help either. Please learn from it, move on, and do your best on other projects. You will be okay.
anon
I did this recently. It sucked. But truthfully, the deal closed (I’m corporate) and I think it’ll be okay? The partner probably doesn’t love me, but I’m not exactly hoping to emulate his career path.
All that is to say, everyone does it.
hey macaroni
So lying recruiter person definitely cost me a job. It would have been a sucky one, but still. The shoes I tried from LE are too big. I have a lot to do in April and I just want to bundle into my blankies and sleep.
I’m not depressed but I’m starting to slide into ennui. I’m looking for jobs, trying to keep busy, trying to take care of myself.
What else do I need to do?
Idea
Tell a friend it’s hard for you right now and you need someone to check in on you and make sure you have fun on the weekends. Get out of the house/workplace. Plan a trip, even for Memorial Day or July 4th — you need something to look forward to.
hey macaroni
Thanks, Idea. Good ideas. I’m a little short in the friends department but I think there are some fun things coming up around here.
Maybe I’ll go wander around our tourist zone a little.
Idea
Join a group that meets every 1-2 weeks, even every month. So that they’ll expect you and you’ll have a group looking forward to seeing you. Even if it’s because you’re bringing the cookies from Whole Foods to the potluck.
Good luck and internet hugs. It IS hard out there, but it’s getting better (I’m planning to start looking for changes in my life towards the end of 2016)
Baconpancakes
If you’re anywhere but the Northeast, can you get outside to just be near some blooming flowers and trees for an hour? (Hey, even if you are in the Northeast, there’s still some daffodils coming up.) Being in nature for a bit helps me put things in perspective, which usually gives me strength to keep going, like, wait, it’s not that bad, and if it’s not that bad, I can definitely do this. I’ve definitely been there. *internet hugs*
hey macaroni
Heh, I was thinking about taking a walk at a park that’s a few miles away tomorrow. They’ve got woods. I’m in the mid-Atlantic, so it’s going to be positively balmy tomorrow.
I need some room to breathe, you know? The house I live in right now is built dark downstairs and isolated upstairs.
Thanks, baconpancakes.
Io
Buy yourself flowers. The cheap bouquet is like $4 at Trader Joes.
Heidi
I am relatively new to this blog, and rarely follow the comments, so apologize if this has been covered. Kat, before you stated that you prefer v-necks, I’d already discovered your preference through your recommendations. Although I have really, really loved the blog, it’s a little frustrating because the v-neck is one of the worst styles for me. I’m not a full-figured gal, and the v-neck is no friend to women like me. I agree that the crew neck can create the “great expanse,” especially if it is too high/tight to the neck. But a nice (ballerina?), looser and rounded neck is much more flattering for those of us that don’t have to worry about exposing cleavage. I only say this–not to complain–but to try to open your view a bit more widely in some of your recommendations. Thanks for giving us a place to keep a bit in touch with fashion without feeling like we are obsessing about unimportant things.