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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. As we've mentioned, the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale is now open to the public, and there are still a ton of great things, including this lovely jacket from Vince Camuto. The regular-size version has matching ankle pants, unlike the plus-size version pictured, but there's also a huge difference in the way it fits. It looks very fitted and flattering on the plus-size model and very boxy and unflattering on the model for the regular sizes, so I think it's a roll of the dice as to what the blazer will look like on your body shape. I like the pattern because it's not just a black and white or a gray and white; it's a mixture of black and gray and white, and this is a lovely way to finish your look. Herringbone Jacquard Open Front Jacket (See all of our workwear picks for the 2017 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale right here!) (If you are interested in plus-size workwear, please sign up for CorporettePlus, our newsletter! Signing up helps us gauge interest in the project, and we promise not to blast your email more than once a week at most. Right now it’s more like once a month.) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Tara
Love your website! As a 28 year old I learn much from y’all!
Now is the time for action
Friendly reminder to call your senators today. Keep those phones ringing off the hook to save Obamacare. If you need a suggested script, try this. It only takes 20 seconds.
“Hi, my name is ___. I am calling to urge Senator ___ to oppose the ACA repeal efforts in every possible way. Thank you.”
Laura B
Thanks for the reminder! I just called mine. I’m in Wisconsin, so one of mine is Sen. Ron Johnson. I don’t even know what to think about that guy lately.
lsw
Are there any other Pennsylvanians who are just sick of calling Toomey? He has “invite only” online town halls, doesn’t engage with anyone on social media, and I can never get a human person when I call. I try to keep calling, but it feels so incredibly pointless.
And I can’t help but be SO ANGRY we didn’t elect Katie McGinty.
Carrots
YESSSSS. I’m also worried about Bob Casey’s seat next year.
lsw
UGH me too. And if we lose Tom Wolf…I just can’t.
CountC
Pray that Wagner keeps doing/saying idiotic things. I think Wolf will probably be okay, although this budget mess is not helping, although I squarely blame the Rs for it based on what I know about the situation. Also, the Rs need to quit saying he isn’t coming to the table for the negotiations – Turzai didn’t do jack $ when he called the reps back last weekend! So infuriating. Pass the damn severance tax already. Yea, yea, impact fee, blah blah blah. Severance tax!
Carrots
Oh my God, this budget thing. Is it still only a rumor that Turzai is considering running for governor as well?
CountC
Turzai hasn’t officially announced, so still a rumor. I wouldn’t put it past him though. Although I am not sure it would be a smart political move. It’s been a LONG time since someone from the legislature has been elected governor. If they had managed to get a revenue spending plan done on time, he might have more ground to stand on.
He’s also got some baggage. The reported breaking down into tears on the floor while opposing medical marijuana (we all know it passed), his bragging about the state voter ID law that got killed, and the question of whether he would also run for his house seat.
A Wagner, Turzai, Mango primary would be a media feeding frenzy though!
CountC
YAAAAAAAAS. He is the worst. I regularly refer to him as a $hit sandwich.
lsw
Also, if any of you are in eastern PA (district 16), I know Jess King who is running for Lloyd Smucker’s seat. She is AWESOME.
ohc
I am actually enjoying calling Toomey’s office because since he has outed himself as a truly execrable human, I get to say so on the phone and have a staffer politely take down my message. I also try to be a bit longwinded so as to tie up the staff for longer–it only takes a few minutes, but it’s kind of fun.
Today I shared that as a constituent, I understood that the senator and I disagreed on many things: for instance, I was opposed to the senator willingly allowing his constituents to die or go bankrupt because of sub-standard or unaffordable healthcare, but the senator clearly feels that those human and financial losses were in his personal best interest.
The very cordial young man on the other end thanked me for my time and assured me that he’d pass the message along.
lsw
You’ve inspired me to call again!
CountC
This is great!
GCG
Toomey is the worst. I cannot wait until we have the opportunity to replace him.
Anon
+1 million
Now is the time for action
Also, if you live in a state where your senator’s seat will be contested next election, you can note (if you want) that this is a “voting issue” for you or that failing to stand up for the ACA will “cost Senator ___ your vote.”
Anon
Thank you – this is a great tip.
AnonCA
I’m in California. What can I do if anything?
Accents & Languages
I was struck by the Hamilton CD how much the New Yorkers in it sound like today’s New Yorkers (duh, you say . . .). But back then, wouldn’t they have all sounded British? When did we start to have different accents?
And varsity-level question: how did Portuguese evolved? I can see how a mountain range / Moorish influence made Spanish a separate langauge and to have differently-derived words than French. But I can’t figure out why / how Portuguese became a separate language from Spanish (or was it vice versa???).
Anon
To grossly oversimplify it, British used to sound “American”. Everyone spoke somewhat like today’s Midwest America. The British dialect changed in the last 200 years or so to be more “British”. The American coasts, with more educated people and more influence from Europe, changed slightly to be more British sounding too, (hence the haaavadd yaad)
It’s pretty fascinating. Google it and you can read a million articles about it.
Anonymous
All I know is that on Tangier Island, VA, they are still speaking the Queen’s English (of Elizabeth I).
Maybe that’s what the Hamilton cast should sound like?
Anonymous
I’m not sure what this has to do with the Hamilton soundtrack at all – the cast wasn’t actually trying to be period appropriate with the accents. Except for maybe George III. And which is why the sound like New Yorkers.
Anonymous
What would you google — history of accents?
Mpls
Or Revolutionary America accent
Anonymous
Check out this 20 minute podcast- they specifically address the Revolutionary period American accent
https://www.20k.org/episodes/accents
Anonymous
Your first sentence is not at all true. What’s your source?
Anonymous
She’s right if this source, and others I’ve seen, is correct – https://www.livescience.com/33652-americans-brits-accents.html
Anonymous
Yes, what we think of standard Queen’s English British accent has changed over time, but some accents go back hundreds of years.
Mpls
Also look at information on Shakespeare in the Original Pronunciation, which is different than how modern day Brits speak. They get into some of the evolution of the British accent, and how the East Coast American accent may actually be closer to how Shakespeare’s accent would have sounded.
I don’t know how the Hamilton soundtrack factors in though. The actors in the musical weren’t trying to sound period-appropriate.
Mpls
To get you started on Shakespeare in the OP
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPlpphT7n9s
Anon
Google “History of American accent” and you’ll find an entire page of results that support my sentence. As I said, it’s a gross simplification, but it’s true.
Anonymous
Read Mother Tongue. I think you’d really like it.
OCAssociate
+1 That’s what I came here to say.
cbackson
There is actually a ton of linguistic diversity in Spain, so it’s not even just like you hit a bright line where Spanish becomes Portuguese. Gallego, Catalan, Basque – there are a bunch of regional languages.
Anonymous
I thought that Basque wasn’t related to anything. Sort of like Finnish and something else (Czech? Hungarian? Something that used to be the outlier in an Austro-Hungarian Empire?
emeralds
Basque is a complete outlier. The rest are various iterations of Romance languages. I lived in Galicia for a year, and it was really interesting the way even the tiny bitty babies in my elementary school emphasized that yes, they were Spanish people, but that they were bilingual in Galician (Gallego) and Castilian (Spanish), and that there was no “Spanish” language because of Spain’s linguistic diversity.
For the OP’s question, see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Portuguese
Pompom
+1 It’s just geographically related to Spain; it’s a language isolate like Korean and Sumerian.
emeralds
*And by “‘Spanish’ language,” I mean “single unifying language of Spain,” not that anyone was denying the existence of what the broader world would call Spanish and members of Spain’s linguistic minorities would distinguish as Castilian. As a language and culture nerd, it’s interesting stuff.
Spain’s minority language speakers have also done a really great job of preserving and revitalizing their indigenous languages in the post-Franco years–many of my students identified Galician as their mother tongue, even though their parents had had to learn it again from the great-grandparents out in the aldeias. Most day-to-day conversation between Galicians happened in Galician, although everyone would switch to Castilian when a foreigner popped up. I thought that was so incredibly powerful that they were so devoted to preserving their cultural heritage.
Idea
Great book on this… The Power of Babel: A Natural History of Language by John McWhorter.
So, the Romance languages evolved from Latin, as their own slang and dialect and accents and vernacular and just evolved into their own language.
Also, this is an old one but years ago on PBS there was a great documentary on The Story of English and my parents bought the book by Robert McCrum. This is also good and discusses English language development, including some accents.
I love language development as a hobby. It makes me more open-minded — remember the “Ebonics” controversy a decade or 2 ago? African-American vernacular DOES have its own grammar rules – as does redneck or country hick slang, as does Scottish highland dialect, or Jamaican patois. It is so interesting as people code-switch to speak our version of formal English, and how that changes.
Great question!!
Anonymous
Can’t speak to other languages, but American Dialect Society publishes a journal called American Speech and an annual monograph, Publication of the American Dialect Society, that go into incredible depth about accents and dialects of English spoken in the U.S. and elsewhere.
Anonymous
Interesting!
I grew up in northern New Jersey and in college (in Virginia) people were astounded that I didn’t say “water” like people from Cherry Hill. I had no idea where Cherry Hill was — those people really seem to be part of Greater Philly whereas I was Bridge & Tunnel (actually, I was first generation off of a farm in the rural south, so my parents were always warmly greeted in Newark based on their accents). I have no idea what I really sound like — I think it’s like a newscaster but I bet that people who say that are just being polite.
Anonymous
Cherry Hill/Philly = “wooder”
North Jersey= “wudder” or “waudder”. Sometimes the end comes out as “ah” instead of “er”
Anonymous
For those of you that considered a VBAC after a C-Section, what helped you decide whether or not to go for it? I am expecting my second and my first was a planned C-section due to some complications. I never labored and the C-section recovery was not terrible. I want to try for a VBAC but also know that if I labor and end up needing an emergency C-section that the recovery might be rougher. My obgyn is very open to trying for it since I have decent odds of success given the first C-section was not due to “failed” labor. How did you decide whether to attempt a VBAC or not?
Walnut
I went down the path of planning a VBAC, but accepting that if a c-section became was medically necessary, we would change course at the time. My first was an emergency c-section after 12+ hours in labor and my recovery wasn’t terrible. There are a few extra precautions taken with VBAC patients, but it’s not a radically different process otherwise. That said, my second labor showed all signs of going the same route as my first at about 6 hours in, so I made the call to go for a second c-section rather than spend upwards of 24 hours on pitocin.
Anonymous
I decided to attempt a VBAC b/c my first, who was 3 when my second was born, really loved being held and cuddled, and was not terribly aware of where his limbs were when he was cuddled. I didn’t want to spend the first 4 weeks or so of his adjustment to being a big brother telling him I couldn’t pick him up, couldn’t cuddle him on my lap, and for heaven’s sake, watch your hands/elbows/knees/feet! It sounds ridiculous now, but I felt really strongly about it.
FWIW, my second was born by VBAC, and the recovery was much longer and more complicated than the C-section, although less debilitating. But I could pick both kids up, and I got lots of cuddles from my first :)
Anonymous
This was a reason? That you couldn’t tell a 3 yr old to not jab his elbow into your torso?
Anonymous
Yup, it was. I did mention it sounds ridiculous now! I’m sure you’ve never made any decision for a ridiculous reason, of course.
lawsuited
It sounds like a good enough reason so avoid major surgery to me.
nasty woman
Right, 3 year olds are known for their self-control, coordination, dexterity, and keen attentiveness to other people’s personal space and needs.
/sarc
OCAssociate
I <3 you.
Walnut
Toddler jabbing is real. I sit with a pillow over my incision and will continue to do so for months.
Anon
This is absolutely reasonable, not that you need anyone to validate it– but I did think the rude criticism at 10:33 was uncalled for and wanted you to know. It’s really important to keep things as consistent as possible for the new big brother, including cuddles from mom.
Anon
Ok, I think a kid can deal with having limited cuddles from mom for a bit. Especially when mom is recovering from a major medical procedure. Start the kid’s learning about empathy and not always getting what you want from a young age! The considerations about mom’s health and not getting jabbed by wayward toddler limbs are pretty legit.
Eager Beaver
You’re presuming that the mom doesn’t also want those cuddles. I’ve got a 5-year-old now who would listen to “no cuddles,” but I love snuggling with him.
Sloan Sabbith
A kid who is already dealing with a major adjustment (a new sibling), may already feel left out, and who loves cuddling can, in fact, probably NOT deal with being told “no cuddles” for however long recovery takes.
Anon
Seriously? I don’t even have kids, and I know that expecting a toddler to have complete impulse and fine motor control is ridiculous.
Anonymous
I decided not to go for the VBAC. And let me tell you the 3 year old jabbing is real. But all it took was one elbow to the incision and me crying out for it to never happen again. He felt terrible that he hurt mommy. I still got lots of cuddles.
nuqotw
How many kids are you planning on having? If the answer is “a bunch more” maybe try for a VBAC since accumulated c-sections carry risks of their own (or so my doc has told me).
Redux
Anyone have success with building a “green wall” in your office? We recently moved offices and where once I had windows I now have blank walls. Boo. I would love to green it up with plants but not sure what is realistic. I’m good at keeping care of plants, but really baffled by how to hang multiple plants on the wall (they seem so heavy!)
Recommendations?
Baconpancakes
Very few plants will do well without regular sunlight. I would suggest a nice framed print of a forest.
Redux
The office does have windows, just not as many as my old office. I would still get low-light plants though.
Baconpancakes
Ah I misunderstood. Still, I wouldn’t recommend a green wall. They are extremely labor intensive and tend to drip water. You could get the green feeling from a few small hanging planters with slow-growing plants – those would be pretty light. The hanging method would depend on your walls – probably drywall, so you should get a drywall anchor. Lowe’s employees would be able to tell you exactly which ones you should get. For the planter, I’d suggest ones without holes and just dropping in the plastic pot plant to avoid drips. West Elm has some, Etsy has a bunch of egg-looking ones like they used to sell at IKEA, and if you go with air plants, the sky’s the limit.
lsw
I’d consider self-watering planters so you don’t have to deal with drip.
Anne
I have a green wall of sorts in my office. I hung a few wooly pockets in a row (the plastic type with the water well). I planted them with a variety of plants that both grow up and extend over the wall planter. You can see some good inspiration images on the website
THey look awesome and really improve the space.
I couldn’t find a stud so I just used heavy duty wall anchors. I hung them myself. It’s not hard. They are holding up fine after several years.
Anne
One more note – the plastic wooly pockets I have do not drip water at all and are really low/no maintenance.
I just try to remember to fill the water reservoir about once a week (less if I am busy/on vacation) and chose plants that were relatively hardy. I have not had a single plant die on me yet and usually I am a plant killer.
Again, they are awesome.
I think they also really improve the air quality of my office which is naturally pretty low. This may be the power of suggestion, but I noticed that I’ve been coughing less since I hung them several years ago.
Anne
https://woollypocket.com/shop/living-wall-planters/living-wall-planter/
Redux
This sounds amazing. What kind of plants do you have? How is the light in your office?
Anne
Light in my office is pretty low (and I’m in seattle so its not a particularly sunny place to start with.)
I just went to a good garden center, explained to a worker there what I was lookin to do and they helped me design a really pretty arrangement of hardy, green plants.
kk
I worked for a tech company that installed a green wall when we moved offices. In the midst of downsizing and layoffs, the green wall also slowly died- eventually we had a terrible team morale, and a dead wall, the latter only emphasizing the former.
My point is, only put up a green wall if you’re sure you can keep it thriving- a brown and dead one was just awful.
Anon in NYC
lol. I’m sorry, I know that’s not really meant to be funny, but as an outsider this is hilarious.
kk
It is hilarious! No need to be sorry- we thought it was a little on the nose, for the state of the company. I no longer work there : )
Redux
Oh man, I love a good pathetic fallacy! Glad you got out of there.
Laura B
Yellow Brick Home has this wall planter in their office – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0055972HK/ref=twister_B005J6JKU6?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&tag=rewardstyle-20&ascsubtag=uWLLSgJ0uz-iz-n-cd2jzmb5we7–3512644618
You can see it here – http://www.yellowbrickhome.com/2016/03/30/a-very-woolly-update/
I think that’s kind of cool, and it’s made for what you’re talking about.
Skinny Heels
I had the cutest pair of skinny heels. I got home last night and something (sidewalk / paver groove?) skinned the suede right off of the bottom of the heel. The shoe people say it’s not fixable (brightly colored suede).
How do I not have disposable skinny-heeled shoes going forward? I swore off for a while when I was pregnant due to swelling and these were a new treat (fortunately not too expensive and I did wear them with minor nicks for a year). I love how pretty they were and want to retry, but don’t want to have this become a habit.
Pompom
I’ve had similar things happen, and the only preventative measure I have found to work is wearing them mostly inside and in-and-out of cars only. Very little, if any, city/prolonged wear.
I wish you could salvage the damaged pair though! They sound great! How bad is the…rip (at a loss for what to call this, but I know what you mean)? If it’s not awful, heck, throw some similarly colored nail polish on the rip to cover the bare spot, and keep enjoying the shoes. Just know they won’t look perfect, of course! Worth a shot in the right circumstances.
AIMS
How would they look with a different color leather or suede? They may not be able to find an exact match but you could make them contrasting heels and a cobbler should be able to do that easily enough.
Alternatively, they may be able to glue it back in place in a way that will look passable without close inspection – which if you’re walking, no one should be able to notice much.
lsw
I’ve done the second option – yeah, it wasn’t perfect, but in normal wear it was barely noticeable.
Anonymous
I wish! I had a nick I fixed earlier. But a big chunk is missing and the area around it looks chewed on.
RIP, pretty shoes!
Anonymous
I’ve glued a ripped patch back onto a shoe before, where the patch was still attached and I just had to stretch it over the hole and glue it down. It wouldn’t have held up under close scrutiny, but it was fine from a distance. I used Gorilla Glue and it held. Got me a few more wears out the shoes, which made me happy as they were relatively expensive (for me, at least).
Senior Attorney
You could also try filling in the damaged spot with a Sharpie.
Anonymous
I’ve used nail polish to repair way too many pairs of ripped-up heels. This works especially well if the shoes are patent, not sure it would work as well on suede though.
Ellen
I was goieng to recomend this b/c it happens to me all the time. FOOEY! In NYC, there are alot of curbs that are NOT smooth, and we women who have to cross the streets have to step over the curb, but sometimes, you scratch your heels on the curbs. DOUBEL FOOEY! When that happens, you need to get a box of sharpies (12 colors). Tho NOT perfect, you can avoid the visibile scrapes with Sharpies., even with red shoes. So try it, it is better then throwing your shoes out, which you DO have to do if you step in big poopie, which there is alot of in NYC. TRIPEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
I bought a cute pair of vintage suede shoes that came with heel protectors. I left the heel protectors on, and I wore them into the ground before the heel had any issues. So I guess that’s what people used to do?
Anonymous
What do heel protectors look like? Genuinely curious. I feel like mine would need a Cone of Shape as a protector.
Anonymous
Just clear plastic encasing the heel. If it gets scratched enough, it will start to look dull. Otherwise, it is not much a statement (a bit like a clear keyboard cover on a laptop, I guess?). They fit perfectly and never came off, so I wonder if a cobbler put them on. Maybe someone else knows more!
anon
Did the leather come completely off or is there a flap still there? I’ve had heels scrape and I just glued the flap of leather back down, modge podge happened to be what I had on hand. Nail polish works well too if you have a shade that will blend in.
Blonde Lawyer
Trump is announcing on twitter right now that he’s banning transgender people from the military. This seems like an obvious retaliation to the senators voting no on the repeal last night. He’s going to find another way to p1$$ off liberals. The fact that this is coming out via Twitter and not official communications is alarming. I also think it is to distract from health care. This is very very important too but don’t let up on calling your senators about health care as well.
Anonymous
He has to make sure he has a ‘win’ so he can continue to be classified as a ‘winner’.
Anonymous
It’s ok because he’s the most presidential president since Lincoln
AIMS
I thought it was very gracious – downright humble, really- of him to acknowledge that Lincoln was more presidential. I think this means he’s turned a corner.
Anon
HA!
Anon
Of course you couldn’t count on Trump to develop a sensible policy regarding transgender people in the military. He would have no clue how to handle the nuances and regulations that would be required for safety for transgender individuals as well as women. It’s a shame he defaults to a blanket ban instead.
anon
when will this nightmare end…
AIMS
Hopefully by 2024 (because I have no optimism that the public will be any better at voting in 2020 or that some shenanigans won’t be taking place to make the voting irrelevant)
Anon
I’m guessing this was something he was going to do anyway, but the timing is definitely designed to distract from ACA repeal. Don’t fall for it – now is the time to prioritize the issue that could lead to 20 million+ people losing lifesaving healthcare. There is time to come back to transgender military service after this week.
AIMS
I think he is banking on his base being much more concerned about trans folks in the military than their health insurance. He may even be right.
Anon
It’s typical for Republicans to capitalize on voter ignorance and fear, but in this case, it’s really dumb if people get up in arms on either side of the aisle right now. Only about 0.5% of the population serves in the armed forces and ~0.3% of the population is transgender. Of all transgender people who might want to serve, many will not be able to because of health reasons and the other usual exclusion criteria. This simply does not affect enough people to justify distraction from the ACA repeal right now (especially because Obama only JUST allowed transgender people to serve in the military last year), although it should certainly be revisited soon. It’s just so typical for politicians to aim for a phony distraction right when crucial legislation is being debated.
Anonymous
Exactly.
Anonymous
Dislike him overall yet I’m ok with this policy. I know we’re all supposed to be trans obsessed these days but honestly how many trans people are there really and what were they doing before their protection became so “fashionable”? They can go back to doing that and stay out of my bathroom.
Anonymous
Let’s just gas all the Jewish people. How many are there really?
Anonymous
Don’t feed the troll…
Jewish Person
Hey, please cool it with the casual Holocaust analogies.
Anon
Seconded. Restricting transgender people from the military =/= gassing millions of Jews in the Holocaust. As much as I may disagree with the new policy, there is no absolute right to serve in the military (i.e., it is not a fundamental human right). Plenty of groups (felons, people with mental illness, people with flat feet) are prevented from serving all the time.
Calico
My trans friend was getting the sh*t kicked out of her in our rural southern high school. So badly she dropped out of school. Thanks for your compassion.
Anonymous
Go away troll.
nasty woman
Lol, ignorant fool. Before christian fundies and the republicans trying to whip them into a frenzy started passing these absurd bills, they were in the same bathroom you used, leaving your bigoted a$$ alone. You probably just couldn’t tell.
Know who you’ll be able to spot, though? The transgender man with the dashing beard you have now forced to come into your bathroom. Wow. It almost seems like that result would be MORE uncomfortable for the innocent wimmins and children! that these bills are supposed to ‘protect.’
Suburban
I know we’re feeding a troll but this is my point! How are the proponents of these things not seeing this?
anon
I know. I should resist the troll feeding, and yet. They’re praying on ignorance and bigotry. Most people who support these bills think of “transgenders” as scary transvestites who are obviously deviants. Like you’d see a man in drag walk into a restroom, try to molest someone, and then when the police come to haul him away, he’ll insist that he’s actually a transgender woman. That is what they are allowing themselves to believe will happen. Or that a run-of-the-mill male predator will slap on a wig and a dress and hide out in bathrooms spying on little girls, but no one will be able to tell him to leave because “today he feels like a woman nah-nah-boo-boo.” Or, they’ll just rely on the prejudicial fear that a transgender woman-even one who has fully transitioned-must be some sort of deviant and is attracted to women/girls and therefore should be kept away.
I spend a lot of time hate-reading right wing blogs, particularly those devoted to these types of issues/repro justice. This is literally what a lot of these people think. (This is also why I don’t believe most anti-choicers/anti-gay folks are arguing in good faith.)
Gay marriage used to be the boogey man that conservatives used to rile up the base to get people politically active and out to vote. They still use abortion for that, but now they realize most people accept The Gays. So they’ve moved onto something “even more” “deviant.” (ughghghg)
And THEN they blame “liberal snowflakes” for “always going on and on about bathrooms.” And then certain liberals play right into that and start whining that democrats spend too much time on “identity politics” (i.e., issues that do not solely affect the economic well-being of straight white men but rather are of particular importance to or that disproportionately impacts any one who is not a straight white man. Because white men are the default, anyone else’s concerns that are NOT shared by straight white men are just based on their “identity”-i.e., membership in a group that is not straight white men. Because the concerns are based on identity, so the argument goes, they can be “otherized” and characterized as a special interest or special request, rather than something fundamentally desired by all people (read: the by the default). Thus, they can be dismissed.) That is why I hate the term “identity politics.”
OK back to work.
nasty woman
Oops, that was me. I’m not always nasty, so.
Also, preying* not praying, good grief. (But punny typo. I’ll show myself out.)
Tetra
Jake Tapper on Twitter this morning cited a RAND study estimating that about 4,000 trans Americans currently serve in the armed forces and reserves.
C
I saw a study saying 9,000, but I can’t remember the source. How many members of the Trump family have served? None.
Anonymous
Oh please. How many transgender people are there to start with and what tiny subset of that tiny population want to be in the military. We have more important things to worry about. Comparison to the Holocaust shows complete and total ignorance.
nasty woman
Yeah it’s almost like this wasn’t worth tweeting out in the wee hours of the morning and making a big to-do over this issue almost no one (except the people who benefit from it) was worried about when the president and republicans COULD have been spending their efforts on more important things.
If you step on my neck, you don’t get to complain that I’m yelling at you to get off. Don’t like the blow back? Get off my neck. God, cons are stupid.
emeralds
Anonymous, they were (and are) getting the ever-living hell beat out of them, murdered, raped, and driven to commit suicide. The most cursory Google possible would tell you this information. I encourage you to reflect on why you have so little compassion for a marginalized group of your fellow human beings.
And also, you have been (and will continue to) share bathrooms with trans* individuals for as long as you use public bathrooms.
New Tampanian
What in the actual f**k does it matter how many there are?! And to call it “fashionable”?! Your lack of empathy for people is astonishing along with your absolute ignorance. I saw a report that said 15,000 actual serving. I’m so unbelievably disgusted by all of this.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
“What in the actual f**k does it matter how many there are?!”
Yeah, this.
Anonymous
Get over it. Nobody cares.
Anon
So if a minority is small enough, it doesn’t deserve protection from discrimination? Just trying to keep up here.
(I assume the troll meant “accommodation” rather than “protection,” but it’s something of a Freudian slip!)
Jo March
It angers me to see a draft dodger like him discriminating against people who are much more courageous than him and willing to risk their lives for our country while he bragged publicly about avoiding it. Some nerve.
Never too many shoes...
Exactly this.
He is a coward and a bully and he has the nerve to think that he is superior to people who would be willing to suit up and risk their lives despite knowing that a lot of the population will openly despise them because their birth genitals are out of synch with how they live.
Anon
100%, yes.
Baconpancakes
Grrrr, my Fitbit Flex died. I loved my Bezels and Bytes case for it, and having it look like jewelry makes me actually wear it every day. The Flex2 and the Alta have better features, and I’m interested in the Alta HR tracking, but there are fewer jewelry options. For anyone who’s had multiples, are they worth the investment, or should just get a refurbished Flex and put off this decision until the next one dies?
January
I don’t have a Flex but I do have an older Alta (before they added the HR), and I like it a lot. Bezels and Bytes claims on their site they’ll start making jewelry for the Alta….
Marshmallow
I’m 90% sure I have a working Fitbit Flex laying around my house that I don’t use anymore. If you post your email I’ll send it to you for the cost of shipping! Just need to find it.
Sloan Sabbith
Same.
Baconpancakes
Dang, a friend offered a new extra fitbit flex she had for $45 and I took her up on that. I jumped the gun on that one.
Marshmallow
Bummer! I really need to just list the darn thing on Poshmark, I keep forgetting.
AZCPA
I’ve had a Flex, and regular Alta, and now the Alta HR. The HR is a huge improvement over both FitBits I had before – I feel like the tracking is more accurate (I’m focused on sleep and active minutes) and the battery length is really good. I have a lovely stainless steel band for it that I bought on Amazon for less than $20, so there are some nice jewelry looking options too.
Constant Reader
For those of you who were freaked out by having Alexa in your home, WaPo has an article about the makers of Roomba having plans to sell maps of your house to other smart device/data gatherers. Full disclosure: I have an Alexa and am not freaked out about it (however, I’m not on Facebook and will resist until I can’t anymore) but I also have a Roomba and I was all “oh H*** No!” which i thought was an interesting visceral response. OTOH, I’m alone in my house most of the time so there is nothing for Alexa to listen to. Link to WaPo article to follow.
Dust isn’t the only thing your Roomba is sucking up. It’s also gathering maps of your house.
“The company behind the Roomba vacuum, iRobot, has grand plans to one day sell the mapping data its robot cleaner collects to giant technology companies like Google, Apple and Amazon.”
Constant Reader
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2017/07/25/the-company-behind-the-roomba-wants-to-sell-maps-of-your-home/?utm_campaign=buffer&utm_content=buffercfd9f&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_term=.f1f7b28e1321&wpisrc=nl_rainbow&wpmm=1
Anonymous
I mean…ok? What exactly can Google or Apple do with a map of your house?
Constant Reader
More or less what they can do with a map of the streets, I assume — like locate you (or at least your phone) within your house, locate your other smart devices within your house, market things to you based on your square footage or amount of furniture or layout of your kitchen or how long you spend in the bathroom?
Spatial analyst
So many people could do so so much! Not all of it is bad: I’ve spent a fair bit of time recreating lost floor plans so they can be used by building managers for evac routes or manage utility lines.
But there is also a huge business in indirectly gathering info about private buildings for government. As, if a SWAT team needs to get in. Or to bust people who have renovated their houses without permits. Those are definitely already happening through other means, and roomba would be a mine of information.
Anonymous
I think this is good. Both of my parents are still alive, but maybe when they are down to one and won’t come live near me the roomba will alert me to a new horizontal thing on the floor shaped like mom or dad that has fallen and can’t get up.
Anonymous
Yes — and let me know when I’m on travel that my husband is using the floor as a clothes hamper / closet (again!).
Spatial Analyst
Well, I doubt they are running it live. Just storing information about ingress/egress points, hazards for navigating in dark or smoky conditions. Keeping data up-to-date is a whoooole nother issue.
Anonymous
Yep. Shrug. I assume it’s to do more targeted advertising, which is annoying, but not going anywhere.
Pompom
I heard this on the radio, and wondered how far back this technology goes. I have a Roomba but it is 6.5 years old. Heck, they can have the maps of the 4 places the roomba has lived in that time!
ELS
Mine isn’t advertised as a “mapping” version, and isn’t wifi compatible, so I’m unsure what it means for my old model.
Pompom
Thank goodness. My cheapness in buying the base model several years ago is paying off!
Anon in NYC
Agreed. I’ve wanted a Roomba for a while, but after reading that, hell no. (I’m also anti-Alexa/Google Home).
Anonymous
I mean, wouldn’t you just not enable WiFi? If the device never connects to the internet, your data can’t go anywhere. Or buy an older one from someone used/refurbished.
Anonymous
There’s so much pearl clutching about technology around these parts.
ELS
They still sell base models that aren’t wifi/mapping models. I have one (mostly because I’m cheap, but now I’m kind of glad that iRobot isn’t spying on me).
BabyAssociate
I have the base model too. Mostly because the whole point for me was to just set it and forget it. I don’t need to turn it on via WiFi because it’s preprogrammed. But really, even if iRobot was selling my data, it would still be worth it for me.
Anonymous
Yep. Did this with my smart tv so it functions like any other dumb tv (not a Netflix or Amazon person so the smart functionality does nothing for me yet smart tvs are now cheaper so I bought it anyway).
Anon
Use the data for unwanted targeted advertisements, leave your data vulnerable to identity theft (and then actual theft), and god knows what else.
Anon
Response to Roomba maps thread above.
Anonymous
I don’t see the leap from “Roomba knows the layout of my kitchen” to “identity theft.”
Anon
If the data were breached, computer programs or hackers could use the layouts and metadata to determine where you live. You can steal someone’s identity with an address. The information could also be sold to robbery/theft rings.
Anonymous
Right. I’m going to go panic about theft rings now.
Anon
You’re probably one of those people who uses insecure passwords and doesn’t shred confidential mail and then complains when their credit card number gets stolen. If you don’t want to panic, don’t panic! This information is useful to people who care about data security or people (like me) who have experienced repeated thefts.
Anonymous
Anon 10:16 – nope, but thanks for the assumptions. I just don’t think it’s worth panicking over a robot vacuum at this point in time.
Anon
I think you’re confusing “having a discussion” with “panicking,” but ok.
Constant Reader
Re; Having a discussion. Yeah, as the person who started this — I was interested in the difference in my own reaction about Alexa in my house (worth the risk to me, not a problem), how many people I know who freak out about Alexa and have absolutely no concerns about Facebook, data, AI and security, and my own visceral reaction to mapping my house via Roomba. It was meant to explore why the differences in ick factor. I’m not panicking, I’m not getting rid of my Roomba (not WiFi enabled, BTW) or my Alexa, but I do think about the ever-expanding circles of data and where they might intersect in unexpected ways.
DCR
But if you own your own home, your address is already out there and available online. I don’t see the additional fear from this
Dahlia
I mean, I live in an apartment. I can see the various layouts of the units on the leasing website, and my particular unit was posted until I started renting it, so the information about the layout was widely available online. I’m not even a little bit worried that this will somehow open me up to identity theft.
Anon
I don’t get the snarky response. Okay, so you don’t care if this data about your home/habits is out there. That’s fine. Some other people do care. Why does that bother you?
Constant Reader
Ugh, in hot real estate markets, target you for a ton of solicitations based on your desirable square footage and layout. I already get a ton of annoying snail mail and flyers on my porch that I have to recycle.
Anonon
But BR/BA counts and square footages are all readily available on Redfin/Zillow, let alone public record on tax assessor’s websites. I get that people don’t want an outside source collecting this data, but……. it’s already out there……..
I prefer to lose my sleep over more significant threats, and Roomba/Alexa/Google Home is not that.
Another Anon
+1
Anonymous
Mine would get warnings: hot mess! hot mess! hot mess!
They can’t have nice things. Kids are sneaking cookes into the TV room and leaving crumbs. Mom bought store brand cookies and those aren’t as good — fewer crumbs this week.
Someone is smoking weed b/c of the influx of Fritos debris at late night and off hours.
And (what I would pay money for): the mouse problem is back.
The Roomba would know all of this — I hope they get one that tests contents of what it scoops up.
CountC
This made me LOL – thank you!
pugsnbourbon
Ha, yeah! Like, hey, your dog has a dandruff issue, here’s a coupon for a special shampoo.
Anonymous
That would be awesome.
TL:DR this whole thread — the difference between a feature and a nuisance is very subjective.
anon
Maybe the Roomba will suck up the extra weed dust and roll you one for when you get home.
Fast Food Breakfast
I know there have been threads about quick, easy, healthy breakfasts on here before, but I’m hoping for some feedback on a slightly different problem. I’ve gotten in the habit of picking up breakfast and eating it in the car on the way to work. It’s expensive and unhealthy, but I can’t seem to give it up. I have a pretty long commute and something about stopping for a latte and a breakfast sandwich to eat while I drive makes it more bearable. I’ve tried getting up early to cook myself breakfast, making coffee and taking it in a travel mug, eating breakfast after I get to the office, etc. but it’s still hard to stop myself from succumbing to the allure of the drive-thru. Any ideas to kick the habit?
Anonymous
Change your route so you don’t go by the drive through. Put your wallet in the trunk so the drive through is hard.
Anon
How unhealthy are we talking here? A breakfast sandwich isn’t necessarily bad for you. If you have a balanced diet overall and your health/weight aren’t suffering, I would cut yourself some slack.
Fast Food Breakfast
I try to do the healthier option- starbucks egg white sandwich is a go-to. But combine it with a latte (fancy coffee drinks are a weakness) and I’m spending more money than I should on a breakfast with way more sugar and sodium than I need.
Walnut
That sounds healthier than my caramel macchiato and double bacon gouda sandwich. Can you convince yourself to make it a once a week treat rather than a daily habit? Is bringing a coffee pot and breakfast ingredients to the office an option (oatmeal, etc.)? If you eat food from home at your desk M-Th, then you splurge on Friday with Starbucks.
JuniorMinion
Can you preplan yourself something that you are excited about to eat in the morning / buy yourself something ahead of time?
IE when I’m having a rough day I either take a trader joe’s nitro cold brew or a la colombe draft latte in a can with me – feels decadent and doesn’t involve a starbucks stop. I have found I do best with healthy eating in general when I make the meals more appealing to me – I’m less tempted to stray.
anon a mouse
Make breakfast sandwiches at home and carry them with you, plus a thermos of good coffee. This recipe is good:
https://www.budgetbytes.com/2016/07/veggie-packed-freezer-ready-breakfast-sandwiches/
Or, dial back your treat so that it’s once a week — maybe you really need it on Monday to kick off the week? Or on Friday to celebrate the end?
AIMS
Just get the latte? Take your breakfast to go so you’re still eating it in the car? Eat breakfast at home but bring a snack for the car (berries?)?
Anon in NYC
Make cold brew concentrate at home and put it in an iced coffee cup with milk. You can make it as strong as you want, so I tend to make mine a little stronger than a normal cup of coffee. If you make it strong enough it’s reminiscent of an iced latte. Cold brew is easy to make at home – you just need ~24 hours (or just buy it).
As for the breakfast food – I think you can make ahead and freeze egg sandwiches (like an egg mcmuffin), so maybe you can look into that. Just microwave it and get on the road.
Dallasite
The thing I care most about in the morning in using my time efficiently. On the rare occasion when I do Starbucks in the morning, I am struck by *how much* time the whole endeavor takes. When I add up the time I spend to get myself over there, either park & walk in, wait to order, and wait for my order, or wait in the absurd drive-through line, it’s too much. It’s worth it to me to boil a couple of eggs while I’m in the shower and set up my coffee the night before so that all I have to do is press the on button, to brew while I get ready. Maybe a similar analysis would help you?
Anonymous
Get the app and start mobile ordering, it’s awesome.
Carrots
Yes, I love it when I decide to stop at Starbucks in the morning (probably not the help OP was looking for, *shrug*
Anon
Put your wallet in the trunk.
Bonnie
I pick up breakfast too but it ends up being fairly healthy and cheap. Instead of going to Starbucks, I swing by McD’s and get a black iced coffee and an egg McMuffin with no meat and only eat half the bread. About 150 calories and less than $4.
Anon
You could also just accept that this is a thing you’re going to do, and budget (both money-wise and calorie-wise) accordingly. It sounds like a nice morning routine, tbh.
Flats Only
You can’t stop getting it because fast food is designed to be physically addictive. Google “The End of Overeating” and get yourself a copy if you are really worried about this. However, if it’s not having a negative effect on on your health, I wouldn’t worry about it just because fast food is considered unfashionable and unhealthy in some circles.
Anon
Ages ago when I was on weight watchers people were making egg mc muffin substitutes using Morningstar farms sausage patties. You can cook the egg in the microwave. It’s not a bad sub. I’m not hooked on mcmuffins but there were people on the board who were and it really helped them.
I replaced my morning latte with iced tea. I know that sounds like it wouldn’t work but what I found was that a fake latte isn’t satisfying. But iced tea is cool and refreshing and gives me that little bit of caffeine I need, and I don’t miss the latte. I usually make my own iced tea at home but if I’m really running late I can buy an unsweetened iced tea just about anywhere for much cheaper than a latte.
H
Start small. If you’re going every day, cut down to 3 days and bring coffee and breakfast with you the other days. There are so many ways to make good coffee at home. There’s a variety of creamers at the grocery store and you can buy the same syrups Starbucks uses. And if you make it yourself, it will likely be better for you. Gradually keep cutting until it is one day a week or less. Or make coffee at home and just pick up the breakfast sandwich, or vice versa.
Anonymous
I had this same problem for 2 years and could not stop. I gained 15 lbs and didn’t realize it was from my morning habit. I started drinking a protein shake, a dose of Metamucil, and ate a banana before I left. I forced myself to drink water in the car. I hated it. But I lost all those lbs.
Whatever you are doing – you are tying to fill yourself up with crap to numb yourself from a day’s worth of commute or a crappy job or some other crappy circumstances. It’s not worth the sacrifice on your health. You are worth more than that. I wish I didn’t have to find that out the hard way. Please find your way to stop. Hugs my friend. It is so hard, but so worth it.
GCG
Can you try to find other ways to make the commute enjoyable while also adopting some of the tips above for different breakfast options and changing your route? I have a long commute and find that podcasts and audiobooks make me much less cranky about the time wasted commuting than just listening to the radio. Also, I’ve had the most success with changing habits and my routine after I’ve been on vacation or traveling for work. When my routine has already been disrupted for a period of time, it’s much easier to come back and try out a new routine.
Weight loss advice?
I just weighed myself for the first time in a while. My BMI is 25, which means overweight (my scale was helpful enough to calculate it for me). I feel incredibly bad about it. I just don’t know how to go about losing weight with a history of something that started as anorexia, I don’t know what to call it now. I got a diagnosis at 19 and then flaked out of therapy quickly, went between normal and underweight for 10+ years. 3,5 years ago I was underweight, became pregnant and gained quickly. After pregnancy I’ve been at about BMI 23 and went back and forth between feeling big and feeling okay at that weight, so clearly the problem in thinking is still there.
I can get a doctor/therapist appointment in mid August, any advice for now?
When I was underweight I didn’t really eat meals, only snacks in the late afternoon (mostly candy). That evolved into eating meals with my husband and child but also kept snacking. When I try to cut out the snacking, it sticks for a week or so and then the sweet cravings get the best of me. I go between wanting to control my eating and thinking that controlling my eating is disordered. When I was underweight I would at times also go hiking for hours every day and right now I’m sitting here in my hiking gear writing this post and trying to decide if its the best choice right now.
Anonymous
I don’t have any specific advice on the anoxeria front, but are there areas in your life causing you immense stress now? Can you focus on improving any of those instead of focusing on your eating/BMI?
C
Could you try new activities that won’t have as much of an association with your past struggles? For example, if you hiked a lot while underweight, maybe try yoga or a spin class for something that’s active, but very different, even down to the clothing you wear while doing it.
Anonymous
Please put your scale in the trash.
ELS
+1. It sounds like OP is obsessing over the scale/BMI calculation. Given your history, OP, I would encourage you not to focus on the scale and instead focus on health.
The BMI chart is a guideline, and not an end-all be-all guide to what the right weight for you and your body is. Please seek out some treatment and stop beating yourself up.
Anonymous
+1. I think a BMI of 25 is borderline anyway.
Not feeling bad about my own fatness
Yeah, 24. 9 or 24.8 is considered normal. Skip lunch (this is joke advice).
Longer term – consider classic ways to gain sense of perspective, i.e therapy, volunteering, etc.
anon
Also, until 1998 a BMI of 27 was the upper end of the healthy range.
edj3
+ a million
I have an eating disorder that is in remission. I do not weigh myself ever; for some reason, that’s historically been one of my triggers. The day I realized that’s my reality and stopped weighing myself was a very good day indeed.
pugsnbourbon
Yes yes yes. You can even get on the scale backwards at the doctor.
Anon
I struggled with disordered eating (bingeing and purging from untreated anxiety – it was never about body image for me, but stress). My anxiety is under control now, but Weight Watchers was ok for me even when it wasn’t. I lost 30 lbs on WW because the guidelines (points system) made me feel “secure” and less likely to be “out of control.” It also taught me what healthy eating looks like, since I grew up in a household where Ritz crackers with jelly were an acceptable (and somewhat regular) dinner. I also liked that I could eat however many fruits and vegetables I wanted, so if I wanted/needed volume (read: felt emotionally like I needed to binge), I could sit down with a giant bag of baby carrots or a cut up watermelon and chow down.
It’s years later now, and I’ve put 8 lbs back on, so I’m back on the program now. With my anxiety treated, WW is actually kind of a fun game to see how many points I can use and what low point foods I can find.
Good luck to you. I still struggle every now and then with disordered thinking, but for the most part, being free of it is the best feeling in the world. You can get there.
JuniorMinion
I would say try to make new exercise / food routines that have nothing to do with what you did when underweight (ie start weightlifting etc), and perhaps involve some professionals in this. Will your insurance cover nutritionists / personal trainers due to your previous diagnosis?
I would also recommend no longer weighing yourself and trying to get more in tune with how you feel / what foods and exercise make you feel good vs not good and focus on getting proper nutrition / nutrients as opposed to trying not to eat when you are hungry (ie eat when you are hungry but try to make sure your snacks / meals have enough protein and fat). Some of what you are experiencing could be the aftereffects of metabolic damage from a period of restriction, but im not qualified to diagnose that over the internet.
Finally, don’t pay attention to BMI. Since it only takes into account weight and height and not body shape (for women) nor lean mass its not a reliable indicator. You can be thin and overfat (by overfat I mean the scientific definition of higher than is healthy body fat %) and you can be larger and have more lean mass so be within body fat % guidelines.
Signed, “overweight” with visible ab lines (I am 5’4″ and ~150-155 lbs as of recent dr visits)
OP
The post was stuck in moderation for a while. Went for the hike anyway, skipped a meal but am now cooking a proper meal. I also realized I may be depressed so I booked a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be okay
emeralds
OP, sending you so many Internet hugs and all the support that I can. I also have a history of disordered eating, thought I’d kicked it to the curb, and then unexpectedly gained weight a few years ago and really, really struggled to stay on the path that was going to be healthy for me physically, mentally, and emotionally (aka not listening to the ED). Also, get rid of your scale.
I’m so grateful that this amazing lady (http://www.thereallife-rd.com/) showed up in my life right about then. I know I’m a broken record and I promise I don’t work for her or get any kickbacks, but please read everything on her blog about food, eating disorders, and body acceptance. I reread back posts whenever I’m feeling down. I’m so glad that you’re feeling better and please continue to nourish your body while you wait on an appointment with your doctor.
emeralds
OH ALSO read this: “That said…I feel it’s okay to feel the pressures of wanting thinness and feeling ourselves desiring to believe the myth, which is that thinness will bring us contentment and fulfillment. Feeling uncomfortable in one’s body can feel crippling at times (I know. I’ve felt it before.) and I don’t think that’s something people talk about that much. Instead of talking about how we can accept our natural body size for a certain life stage / what that crippling feeling of being uncomfortable in our bodies is really signaling, the majority of society instead focuses on what we should eat / shouldn’t eat / the steps we’re taking to get our pre-pregnancy body back asap.” via http://immaeatthat.com/2017/07/25/a-goodbye-to-my-pre-pregnancy-body/ (she also has a history of ED and is another an amazing resource)
Anonymous
I LOVE her blog and perspective- I’ve been reading her for about 6 months, she’s so refreshing
Not feeling bad about my own fatness
Oh good. I’m sorry I have joke advice.
You are more than your body weight. You’re you, and you’re awesome, and that’s legit.
Anon
Spend some time reflecting on why the BMI number / scale number matters to you. When I’m stuck on something making me anxious, I flip it to the worst case scenario to try to find the root of what really bothers me. So in your case, what’s the worst thing to you if you ended up really overweight? Do you worry your spouse won’t find you attractive? If so, pay attention to the things your spouse is doing now to show you he finds you attractive. Are you worried about clothes fitting? Look at some awesome attire in larger clothing that you would rock if you were overweight. Is it that you would have to lose control to be overweight? In your situation it sounds like eating and exercising in a non-disordered way requires you to exercise a ton of control and control the beast of a disease. You have MORE control when you are eating and exercising in a “normal” way regardless of what the scale says. It also sounds like you just had a kid. Cut yourself some slack!
Anonymous
Weight loss is incredibly difficult with a history of disordered eating — kudos to you for trying to figure out how to do it the healthy way.
I’ve had on and off bouts of anorexia for about 15 years, and then gained about 30 pounds during a bad relationship. After that ended, another bout started and I decided it was finally time to get things under control. Seeing a personal trainer was one of the best things I ever did to finally get control of my health, plus regular strength training and a dramatically increased protein intake. I can’t count calories/do WW because it will trigger me, but eating a certain pattern of high protein foods has been a nice way to eat better without obsessing about it. Learning to see my body as strong instead of weak has not only made me much more physically fit, but also happier with my life. Good luck!!
Solo
Please, please throw away your scale. I have a history of borderline anorexia as well, and haven’t stepped on a scale since I was 18 (now 36). I simply refuse at the doctor’s office. I am a healthy size 8/10 and I can tell I need to clean up my diet a bit when a certain pair of jeans feel tight. So I do that. Focus on healthy eating and moving in ways you enjoy. Ditch the scale and the dumb BMI measurement which identifies pro athletes as obese.
Anonymous
Don’t. You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need to do anything at all.
Marija
I very strongly suggest figuring out the psychological component of this first.
In university and somewhat in law school, I, too, used to severely restrict my eating and overexercise. I had a very healthy example at home and a healthy relationship with food, but I had gained the freshman 15 from too much fun with my friends, and this happened in response to it. It was the worst thing to deal with. This is *not* destiny, however! You will get through this. It isn’t easy, but I, stranger on the internet, guarantee you that you will get through this.
I will never agree with our cultural obsession with strict, unrealistic, and dangerous ideas of health – meaning the obsession with not eating carbs, with eating a lot of protein, with equating eating dessert with something bad. Like, I hear people all the time say they “should not eat a banana, it has so much sugar.” I am sorry, but this is insane and sick, and is both a cause and symptom of our cultural troubled relationship with food. You say you like eating dessert. I do, too. My motto is that you should be able to, as a homo sapien, eat dessert every day and be thin /at a healthy weight. If it makes any difference, I am at a BMI of maybe 19.8 (it varies), I run a lot and eat a lot, and definitely eat dessert every day. This is a normal, satisfying way of eating. Of course, I like cooking and I eat a lot of legumes, vegetables (10 a day, baby!), seeds and nuts, plain yogurt, cheese, and bread and pasta. I only eat dessert after dinner; I don’t like eating sweets int he morning and randomly, but this feels right to me. It took me a long, long time to get to this mindset. It took a lot of mental pain and misery and it is absolutely worth it in the end. Eating issues are not about weight but control, and this is why I really suggest working this out for yourself mentally first and what it is you need to do to be happy.
Anne
I got this blazer in straight sizes from NAS.
It is definitely a very modern cut, so not your traditional blazer. I’m not sure what they call this style, maybe boyfriend cut?
I am almost 6 feet tall and this fits me well. I could imagine it being too long/big on shorter people. I also had to size down one from my usual size which i basically never have to do.
It is incredibly comfortable though. I would almost put it in a “swacket” category. I think it would be the ideal jacket to wear with skinny jeans on casual friday or with regular slim pants for less formal work days when you need to get a lot done.
Bonnie
I just got the jacket and pants. Looks like a comfortable suit for less formal days.
Anonymous
Did you get the matching pants too? I’m eyeing those, they look like a nice option for fall. Curious to know how they fit if anyone has tried them (especially if you’re pear-shaped and/or taller).
Anne
I didn’t get the pants. I’m tall and Nordstroms never sells pants long enough for me so it didn’t occur to me to even look to see if there was matching pants.
The texture/cut of the blazer is a lot of look (at least by the standards of my industry) so I can’t imagine wearing the two items together unless you are in a really fashion forward industry.
Idea
Thank you for commenting positively. Came here looking for the “Omg so dowdy, kat is out of her mind” comments and found this instead. THANK YOU!
Question about Gardasil
Our daughter’s pediatrician is recommending the Gardasil vaccination for her (she’s 9). She says it is safe and effective to prevent certain types of cervical cancers. My elderly father has been reading all sorts of horror stories about Gardasil and has me freaked out, even though the materials he has showed me do not appear to be from reputable sources. Is there anything to the notion that Gardasil has sickened and/or killed girls, or is this just anti-vaxxing hype?
anon
If you weigh the pros and cons getting the vaccination is highly recommended. I wish that it was available when I was younger.
AIMS
+1.
I would trust your doctor over your father’s questionable sources.
Anon in NYC
Absolutely. It prevents against the top strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer. If you have concerns about some of the things your dad has been finding, talk to your daughter’s pediatrician. I’m sure she’s heard/seen a lot worse.
AIMS
Doesn’t it also prevent many strains of HPV? Even if you aren’t worried about cervical cancer, why would you not want to spare your daughter that fate (condoms don’t necessarily help in this regard and men never get tested for it so it’s virtually impossible to know about it in advance) … not to mention that HPV can cause throat cancer in your partner potentially so even if you’re fine, you could still face devastating consequences. To me this is just a no-brainer.
Gail the Goldfish
Cervical cancer AND certain types of head and neck cancer. It prevents several of the high risk HPV strains that cause both.
Anon
And some rectal / anal cancers.
Thisperson1
This +1000.
Anonymous
+1,000 Honestly, for cervical cancer, why would you not? HPV is so prevalent, for one thing, and your father is not providing you with legit information. Rely on actual science, please.
Anonymous
http://www.snopes.com/2017/06/08/gardasil-vaccine/
Have her get the vaccine. The benefits certainly outweigh the risks.
Anonymous
I work in a cancer center. Get the vaccine.
Anonymous
Anti-vaxxing hype. Get the vaccine.
Anonymous
Get it. The benefits outweigh the costs for sure. I wish it had been available when I was a teenager.
Although nine seems on the young side – if you know your daughter isn’t anywhere close to being sexually active I would think you could wait a while (I say this as someone who didn’t get my period until 15 and wasn’t sexually actively until 22, so definitely a very late bloomer, but nobody I knew in high school was active before about 16). At nine, I didn’t know boys existed except as friends and I’m pretty sure my mom would have flipped at the idea of vaccinating me for an STD. But this is dependent on your kids personality and your relationship.
Anonymous
My daughter just got it at her pre-sixth grade physical. She is 11. We told her it was a vaccine that could prevent her from getting cancer. She asked how people could get the virus and we explained in pretty dry terms. We explained that it was good to get it when you are young because your body has time to absorb it and be ready to fight the virus. I would hesitate to say that getting a vaccine for your child is dependent on your kid’s personality.
Anonymous
I said the timing is dependent on the kid, not getting the vaccine at all. I was grateful that my mom trusted me that I wasn’t sexually active and don’t make me go to the doctor for a pap when I was in high school even though the doctor encouraged it “because I might be active and not telling her.” A mom knows her kid better than the doctor does and I’m glad my mom recognized that.
A pap is more invasive and painful than a vaccine, but I still think the timing is a personal decision and can involve consideration of your child’s personality and behavior. There’s no universal medical recommendation to vaccinate at age 9 – I have a five year old so this is a long way off but I asked about it and my ped told me she recommends age 12 unless the child tells you earlier of plans to be sexually active. 12 seems like a much more appropriate age to me for a kid who is not yet sexually active. I don’t think I knew anything about sex at age nine. At age 12, I had had some sex Ed in school and was more interested in boys, albeit not dating. There was a huge jump in maturity for me between those ages and if my daughter is similar I’ll do the vaccine at 12 not 9.
Anonymous
I just see literally zero reason not to get it early. Just because you don’t want to talk about sex? Then just treat it like any other vaccine.
Anonymous
Lady, I think you have issues way beyond when to get a vaccine.
Anonymous
Anon at 11:07, what a nasty thing to say and I have no idea what ‘issues’ you think I have. That I waited until later to have sex? I am very aware that most people are sexually active much younger than I was and many are sexually active in high school, but I also believe in talking to your kid about this stuff and listening to what they say IF you have that kind of relationship with them, which some people may not. Like I said, unless she starts dating earlier, I plan to have my daughter get this vaccine at age 12, which is what our pediatrician recommends. My point to OP was that if giving the vaccine at age 9 makes her uncomfortable it’s fine to wait a few years but it should definitely be given at some point. It’s also fine to give it at age 9 if that’s what her doctor reccomends and she prefers.
Cornellian
I was on the old side when I got this vaccine, and it hurt a LOT. Like someone was injecting fire in to my arm.
I’m not sure if it would be easier to convince a 9 or 12 year old to go back for a second or third round of shots, but that may be something to consider.
Anon
The boys and girls started making out in 5th grade and touching in 6th-7th. Not every kid, but certainly some. They certainly didn’t tell their parents. Some did it in a closet during study hall. Others in the back of the bus on a field trip under a blanket. Don’t assume your kid is safe just because you watch them at home. You don’t have to talk about sex to have your kid get a vaccine!
Anonymous
A pap has absolutely nothing to do with this conversation about getting a vaccine at the pediatricians office.
Anonymous
Ok, but not every person waits until 22 and kids are definitely having sex before 16.
Anonymous
waiting also presumes that first sexual contact will be consensual. I would blame myself if I delayed a vaccination for my child, she/he were assaulted and caught an STD as a result.
Anonymous
I am pretty sure that even if it nominally consensual, many girls just get pressured in to doing it or are coerced (I’ve heard of people using naked selfies as blackmail to get s*x). And then once they’ve done it once, then they *have* to keep doing it. Ugh.
REMIND ME when my children are a bit older to make them watch the Chris Rock routine about once something’s on the menu, it’s always on the menu. Truer words were never said.
Anonymous
Also, even if she is 100% abstinent until marriage, there is no guarantee that her husband has done the same.
Anon
THIS
Anonymous
No. It’s anti vaxxing hype. Be honest here- you’re trusting your elderly dad instead of a doctor? Gardasil saves lives and prevents cancer. Do it.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
Yeah this. And as others have said, boys should get it too. My two eldest sons have.
Godzilla
If it makes you feel better, I got the vaccine on myself. So just tell yourself that Godzilla got Gardasil.
Question about Gardasil
Thanks Godzilla — that will make her laugh! And thanks to all of you for your comments. We don’t have to do it this year, and may wait until she’s 10 or 11 — but I know the topic will come up at her appointment and wanted to be ready. We haven’t talked much about sex yet, and she’s not at all developed, so I imagine her interest in sex will be later rather than sooner. But I think just telling her that it may prevent cancer when she’s older should suffice without getting into the sex stuff. I appreciate all of you giving me a dose of reality. I trust my dad on many topics, but he isn’t a doctor and much of what he’s telling me he’s just regurgitating from stuff he’s read online.
anon
Treat this like any other vaccine-
In my mind, it’s similar to the Hep B vaccine, while there are several transmission methods, it all comes down to bodily fluids, some of which are transmitted in intimate acts. I was vaccinated for Hep B when I started college because tht was the protocol at the time. By the time I had a kid, they’d shifted the vaccine schedule to infancy so we vaccinated my son then. In a few years, he will get the gardisil vaccine.
Anon
+1
I really don’t understand waiting based on when you perceive your kid will be sexually active. We don’t get all hyped up about how all the other things we’re vaccinated against are transmitted, we we just get the vaccine to prevent a preventable disease. This is really simple. Don’t complicate it.
Anonymous
+1
Completely this.
Relax everyone. Hepatitis B is a great comparison.
Signed MD oncologist,
who also wishes this vaccine had been around for me
This vaccine is a true lifesaver. Really.
Anononon
Do it this year. It’s a shot like any other shot. There is no reason to postpone this – you can have a level-appropriate talk with your child if she asks why she has to get it, but waiting is not helpful if she ends up s*xually active earlier than you expect (consenting or otherwise) and she doesn’t have the vaccine yet. I have a number of friends who are elementary school teachers and you would be surprised – I know I am – at the number of kids who have had some sort of s*xual experience by 5th grade. Plus, you need time to get through the 3 shot cycle (assuming it is still as spaced out in time as it was when I got it). Just do it now.
Anon
Yup. This. It’s a shot. I think you can frame it sans sex talk to your kid, but – as a worst case – I’d rather have an uncomfortable talk with my kid about sex at a young age than have to think about my kid maybe getting an otherwise preventable strain of cancer. I mean, have you watched someone close to you suffer through cancer? Seriously, get the damn vaccine and your dad doesn’t get a vote. Full stop.
TheElms
I also got it. The vaccine came out just as I was aging out of the age range ( I was 25 I think) and it wasn’t covered by my insurance at the time, so as a result I nearly didn’t get it because I was in grad school and couldn’t afford it. But then I realized I was being dumb and asked my parents to cover the cost for me (which they gladly did). I know I’m only one person but I’ve never had any adverse effects and its been nearly a decade.
Cornellian
I had a similar story. I was… 21? when I got it, and had to pay out of pocket. I only got the first two of the series because they were obscenely expensive (maybe 400 each?).
No adverse effects. It really, really hurt, though!
Godzilla
I was in my mid-20s and insurance covered it thankfully. Doc injected my butt – I don’t remember it hurting or having any adverse effects. It was NBD.
Anon
Yup, I got it in my early 20’s. It really hurt (forcing myself to go back for the second and third rounds was not fun), but I’m glad I did. I think insurance paid for most of it.
Anonymous
Our pediatrician told us the age recommendations are based partly on immune response. Kids who get the vaccine earlier need fewer shots to build full immunity. I was a little concerned about the reports of kids fainting when the vaccine first came out, so we are going to wait until our kid is 11 or 12.
Anonymous
Anti-vaxxing hype. It’s given to both boys and girls where I live and zero issues.
anon99
How timely, CBS just had a piece on this. http://www.cbsnews.com/news/hpv-vaccination-cancer-prevention-dr-tara-narula/
I’d urge you to have your daughter get it. And as an FYI, I had my sons get it when they were in their young teens. I don’t want either to be responsible for spreading cancer.
Anon
I understand boys are also at risk of oral/throat cancer caused by HPV and should absolutely get the vaccine.
Thisperson1
Yep, my older two boys got it and my youngest will when he’s old enough. …despite my mother trying to convince me that prayer and “proper parenting” will prevent, well, really everything apparently.
Anonymous
I have a friend who couldn’t have kids b/c of cervical cancer.
And I have a friend who was raped as a teen and later couldn’t have children.
If he wants this for his granddaughter, skip the vaccine. See what happens. If he wants to protect her future, or you do, get it.
Since some s*x is involuntary / coercive this young, view it as protecting her against some risks that come with that. I don’t see it as encouraging s*x b/c s*x is per se the ultimate attractive nuissance and ultimately she will have it, even if it is just as a boring married person.
Anon
Please listen to an actual medical professional and not your crazy father.
Anonymous
Fwiw, my father is an actual medical professional and STILL gives off-the-cuff advice that’s not helpful. He’s got my mother persuaded to wait on cataract surgery because something something eyedrops that don’t exist yet, he told me not to seek help for my kid with anxiety because “he’ll grow out of it” and he told me that my chronic pain that turned out to be a symptom of something that needed extensive surgical intervention was because I was “getting older.” (I was 37 at the time.)
He’s retired, thank the gods, and somehow forgets that he doesn’t have access to people’s lab results or X-rays and he isn’t current in his field. This, plus no medical background? Stop asking your dad for advice about your daughter’s healthcare.
Question about Gardasil
I didn’t ask my dad for advice, but he gave it anyway. He is 88, and he does that. A lot. But I appreciate the comments here, as they’ve helped me reframe this issue in my mind and how I’m going to listen to my daughter’s pediatrician instead of my non-medical professional dad.
Anon
Do it. I got the vaccine when I was in middle school, way back when. All I remember was my arm being sore and being annoyed that I had to get the shot three times. I still got HPV in college and was freaked out, but my OB told me it’s so common that it usually clears up on its own before people even realize they have it. She also told me the bright side of having the vaccine is that it prevented me from getting the more serious cancer-causing strains of HPV. So yes, definitely have her get the vaccine.
ml
Is your father a doctor? Or maybe a virologist? or have any other training that you think he is better informed on this than a medical professional? If not, I’m not sure why you’re even asking this question.
The FDA and CDC, despite what conspiracy theorists would have you believe, don’t mess around with stuff like this. If it’s endorsed by them, it’s almost certainly safe. Of course, there’s a non-zero risk of having a bad reaction to any medication or vaccine, but it’s vastly overshadowed by the risk of getting HPV.
Anonymous
Unless your father is a doctor, I’m not sure why he’s getting a vote here. And a doctor who is current on latest recs/research – not a doctor who retired 20 yrs ago. It sounds like he’s reading whatever google tells him and to me that doesn’t get precedence over what your child’s doctor says. If you don’t trust your child’s doctor on this – go to another practice and ask their opinion – or maybe even a children’s hospital.
Anon for This
I haven’t read all the comments but I just wanted to say something:
I didn’t get the vaccine – I was a little older when it came out and I didn’t have a doctor for a few years, and then when I finally got a doctor, I was over 26 which was above the recommended age at the time (I’ve been informed it’s up to 40 for women now!)
But I’m now having to deal with pre-cancerous cells (before the age of 30). I am terrified of going through this alone (I don’t live in the same city as my family and it seems overly needy to ask my mom to come for what are relatively minor doctor’s appointments). It probably will end up fine, because in the grand scheme of things, this is treatable but I wish I hadn’t been so cavalier. I wish I would have gotten the vaccine for myself. So please give your daughter the vaccine.
Spirograph
Not anon for this because having HPV –> precancerous cells is nothing to be ashamed of. A majority of sexually active adults have HPV. It is so, so common. Hopefully it will be far less common for future generations because of Gardasil.
Hugs to you. I had my first bad pap around age 24. Gardasil was still very new, and I hadn’t had the shots. I was terrified that I would not be able to have kids (first doctor basically recommended a hysterectomy), that I’d die before I was 30, etc etc. A decade later, I have 3 kids, I’ve had 3 minor surgeries to remove bad cells, I have to get paps ever 6 months, I have a new doctor who’s not as alarmist as the first was, and everything is fine. Cervical cancer is really scary, but the overwhelming majority of deaths resulting from it are women who had poor access to medical care and screenings. It’s very, very treatable if caught early. You will be OK! But it’s OK to be scared, and OK to want support from your family. Good luck.
PS, everyone should get these shots. Why wouldn’t you try to protect yourself, your children, and people they will love in the future from cancer?
PolyD
I had this, too, way back in the 1990s. Got the funny looking cells frozen off and never looked back. I didn’t tell my parents because I was away at grad school and there seemed no reason to tell them.
Chances are very high that you’ll get this treated and won’t have to think about it again, until you want to reassure a friend in a similar position. Honestly, it’s amazing how many women I know had cryosurgery because of pre-cancerous cervical cells.
Hang in there, but I bet you’ll be fine.
Anon for This
Thank you Spirograph and PolyD for these very kind and supportive comments. I haven’t really told anyone because I feel like it’s embarrassing and I’m scared of getting cancer/having fertility issues but just knowing that it’s pretty common and is treatable makes me feel better.
CountC
Very common! 3 out of the 4 women in my inner circle where I live have at one point had HPV. I have had two colposcopies and one LEEP. I WISH I had been young enough to get this when I first found out about it. But I also don’t stress about it. I do my paps when the doc tells me to and don’t think about it otherwise.
PolyD
Maybe too late for you to see this, but a friend of mine had pretty extensive surgery on her cervix for HPV/dysplasia and went on to carry one single baby and one set of twins to term. They are all in college now.
And again, this was back in the 1990s. I would bet good money that techniques have improved since then.
Anonymous
I’m 26 – got it when I was ~14. My mom’s a nurse and was an early adapter. Yes, it hurt but zero bad side effects & I’ve had quite a few friends deal with irregular paps that are my age.
Also, I’m kinda creeped out by your father getting to have an opinion/discussion about your daughter’s (currently non-existent) sex life….even if it’s because he’s an anti-vaxxer? My own dad didn’t have a say in this shot, birth control or anything that impacted my “lady bits” because they are mine and not his (thanks, mom for setting that standard) and I couldn’t imagine hearing an older man in my life having opinions on something like this. Seems like it may send a skewed message to your daughter…
Question about Gardasil
My dad’s opinion is not about my daughter’s sex life (which has not and will not be an issue of discussion with him, and he wouldn’t want it to be anyway), and he doesn’t actually get a vote. I’m just trying to make sure I understand the issues and make sure I wasn’t missing something that he is aware of that I’m not aware of regarding the safety of this vaccine. And my daughter will have no idea that I’ve discussed it with him.
Nudibranch
Thank you for clarifying that. If I knew my parents had EVER discussed my future sex life with my grandfather…! (Huge breach of trust.)
Anonymous
My son is 11 and we’re starting the Gardasil series for him next month. I read up on it, but IMO the “horror stories” seemed like your garden-variety antivax propaganda. I wasn’t swayed by it.
DH had a coworker die of HPV-related throat cancer last year, the woman was very open about it so people would understand the risks. She had never smoked a day in her life; died at 48. I also have a close friend who was unable to hold a pregnancy after losing a large portion of her cervix to cervical cancer in her late 20s. And my cousin, who is 30, had to have a hysterectomy last year due to HPV-related cervical cancer that spread. The cancer risks are real. The vaccine isn’t perfect, but it’s what we have. And my son is uncircumcised, so his risk of penile cancer is higher anyway. We’re getting the vaccine.
Anon
I’m in my twenties. My mom wouldn’t allow for me to get the vaccine (even at age 16-17) because she was Catholic and obviously expected me to be abstinent. Of course, I wasn’t, and I now have HPV. I wish I had gotten it in college without her knowledge. I ended up getting it post HPV diagnosis to hopefully prevent future strains and I’m fine. That was a couple years ago.
ohc
I am fully Gardasil’ed–got it in my late teens/early twenties when it first came out. I suffered no ill effects from the vaccine and am grateful that my parents were supportive of my choice to get it.
Anon
Anti-vaxxing hype (you identified this yourself when you said your father is showing you data from non-reputable sources). You will protect your daughter for life against most types of cervical cancer if you give her the vaccine before she is sexually active. Check out information from CDC and WHO to get the facts.
Nonny
In light of the ACA repeal discussions – I find myself just so exhausted by all of this stuff that I am starting to feel a little fatalistic. Like part of me almost doesn’t care about the ACA repeal because I’m in a liberal state with good insurance through work and I’ll mostly be fine and I kind of want all the people who voted for he who shall not be named to lose their insurance or have their premiums skyrocket or pay through the nose for an ambulance ride… How do you stay positive when it feels like so much of your fellow citizens just don’t give a F.?
Anonymous
I’m exhausted by it too, but I still don’t wish lack of health care/death on people, even if they voted for Trump.
I do feel like fellow citizens give an EFF, even if I may not necessarily agree with them. It’s the politicians who I think don’t give an EFF, which is the problem IMO. I can’t get past the feeling that no one in politics cares about the people they represent. Obviously, that’s not true, but it is the impression you get these days. I hate that part of it, I also hate that people will die if these idiots repeal and don’t replace, or if the repeal and replace with anything remotely like what the GOP has thrown together.
I would take a step back and distance yourself from the news for a while, but I still recommend using resistbot or whatever it is you use to send your message to the politicians who are supposed to represent you.
TLDR; take a step back from the news coverage, but continue to make your voice heard. Also, I don’t think it’s necessary to stay positive all the time. Acknowledge your feelings and acknowledge that they will pass. Acknowledge that only you have control over them.
Anonymous
Many people who voted for Hillary will lose their insurance too. I kind of agree with you about not giving an F about Trump voters, but it’s not that simple that only those who voted for him will suffer consequences. Also not sure that just being in a blue state with employer-sponsored insurance is enough – some of the things they’ve talked about, like repealing pre-existing condition protections and lifetime limit bans, could be devastating to anyone with a serious medical condition.
I saw a headline about layoffs at the Carrier plant (whose jobs Trump planned to save) and my first thought was “serves em right for voting for him” but then I clicked on the article and the woman they talked to voted for Hillary and said people at the plant were pretty evenly divided for Hillary vs Trump.
Anonymous
Many people who didn’t vote or voted for Jill Stein will too. I guess I just want them to know that elections have consequences.
AnonZ
For me, it’s not a question of “staying positive” because I want to feel warm and fuzzy about people who are less fortunate than I am having healthcare. Sometimes I can feel that way, but sometimes I feel the same as you – they made their bed, now lie in it!
However, you can look at it from a logical and self-interested perspective as well: having a healthy population with good access to healthcare is good for everyone. It boosts the economy, allows for greater socioeconomic mobility, reduces disease. Society, which you are a part of, is tangibly better off when more people can get the care they need. You benefit, through better health, a better economy (and, in the long term, lower costs) by more people being able to get the care they need.
New Tampanian
Take a break from it for a few days. Focus on self-care. Refresh yourself. Then get back on it. When you start to feel like it’s too much or not worth it, that’s a sign of burn out.
I am having a rough day with this trash announcement. It doesn’t affect me personally but I am having a similar reaction to it as I did after the election. I think it’s because it feels like a general attack. SO… at lunch, I’m going to the local animal shelter to play with some cute pups. That’ll get me out of my funk. Find what does it for you.
Candidate
Could you get involved in a local political group? This advice is different from what others said above, and taking a break is totally okay, but here’s what I’ve found works for me.
I’m running for city council, and it’s helping me both feel like I’m contributing to the resistance, and staying positive. I may not be able to stop an ACA repeal, but I can damn sure advocate for alternative transit, an integrated voc tech high school campus, unconscious bias training for local police and other city employees, etc. Local politics have been neglected by the national Democratic Party, but have a huge day to day impact on people’s lives. So consider getting involved locally!
You can look for a League of Women’s Voters, and local Democratic Party chapter, other progressive groups, interfaith groups, conservation groups, etc. For me, having a regular schedule of interaction with like minded people gives me a place to talk about my feelings and check in.
Also, donate to local candidates. We need your support, and even small donations are a HUGE morale boost because it means somebody cares enough to give up a bit of cash to support us.
Hope this bill fails, and you feel better soon.
ohc
I love that you’re running! Way to go, you! I realize you probably can’t out yourself here but I hope that through some magic some of us are able to vote for you. (Or campaign, or donate, or . . . ) Please keep us updated.
Candidate
Thanks! I’ve only gotten support from the community here. Since I’m not fund raising here for myself, if anyone is interested I’ve been getting a LOT of behind the scenes support from Run For Something and She Should Run, so if you’re interested you could send a few bucks their way.
Anonymous
Right after the inauguration, a fellow Corpette’er said that if POTUS kept us putting good people on the Cabinet, she’d approve! I said that the best I was hoping for would be the ability to ignore him.
Six months later…ppl I know are being deported, I am in real danger of losing my health care, my godson just received a Hitler-like speech where he was encouraged to boo a past president & presidential candidate, and let’s not even discuss how hard it is to fill out a security clearance form, which is beyond insulting to me & the members of my family who’ve all done it.
Nope, I can’t ignore him. He won’t leave me alone!
Idea
I like this so much. I know the feeling!
Anonymous
My clearance is pending; I submitted my paperwork in January. Has the form changed? Are they asking politically-motivated questions now? My husband is about to have to get reinvestigated for his clearance and we’re struggling with what we’ll do if they start inquiring into our politics, because we don’t support the current administration.
Anon
Same question.
AIMS
I think that’s a reference to it being a bullsh*t excuse for leaving off certain meeting because the form was just too confusing.
Anon
But to be fair, should you really be expected to remember and reveal all the times you met with Russians? Come on. They had so many meetings! Cut them some slack ;-)
AIMS
Someone was asking yesterday about contributing to candidates that may unseat senators who are voting to repeal the ACA. Emily’s List is collecting donations to the woman running against Heller in NV. You can donate as little as $3 (their suggested donation).
Bloomingdale's Sale
PSA, Bloomingdale’s has some really amazing workwear deals right now as part of their end of summer sale. Especially if you’re into Hugo Boss on 60+% discount.
Mortified
I slept through the bar exam. I was dressed, ate breakfast, and was ready to go. I sat down to just skim some stuff before I left and then, boom. 1.5 hrs later I wake up on top of my notes.
I’m waiting for the earth to swallow me whole.
Bonnie
So sorry. A friend forgot his wallet and could not get into the exam.
Anonymous
Two of my friends did similar! One slept through and one slept during.
Get your tush out of the house and get down there RIGHT NOW. You might actually still pass, and even if you don’t you’ve paid for it might as well get the practice in.
Anonymous
:-O
but honestly, you. will. get. through. this.
you will live to fight another day.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m so sorry.
Eager Beaver
Nope. It’s not going to swallow you whole or end. You are going to be okay. You will take it in February. You will figure out a good way to explain why you didn’t take it in July, and go from there. This won’t define you unless you let it.
Idea
YOU CLEARLY WEREN’T FEELING WELL. THIS IS OK. YOU WILL GO ON.
Anonymous
Um – do you have a job offer? Have you considered that you may lose said offer? I’d show up ASAP and do as much as I couldn’t – doesn’t take much to pass so a half day may be enough ESP if the multi state is today.
nasty woman
Gee, I’m sure she hasn’t considered that.
Today is the multi-state. OP, see if you can take the afternoon half. The point about practice is good. Getting down there and doing something about it will keep you from spiraling out and will provide more cover than simply not showing up. Breath.
This will eventually be a distant bump in the road in your long and successful career. You’ve also had the (stealth) luck to have faced your worst fear and survived. (Although it doesn’t feel like that now.)
Mortified
I’m not a fresh graduate. I already work full time, just not as an attorney. For various reasons, I’m only taking it now. My job, thankfully, is not contingeht on the bar and not a concern.
Mortified
Contingent.
Anonymous
Gee, I’m sure that hadn’t occurred to her. What a helpful thing to say to someone who already knows they screwed up.
Anon
Wow, you’re nice.
Anonymous
GO NOW. I slept through half of my last final in college, ran across campus to get there, and managed to graduate.
ELS
The bar exam is different than a final exam in college. For every state I have taken it in, you are not permitted to come into the test late. Full stop.
Anonymous
Really? I have a friend who overslept and started the test an hour or so late. She passed.
Pompom
+1
This will not work.
Anon
I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I agree this won’t define you but I’m sure the next few days will be tough. I’m glad your job doesn’t depend on it – allow yourself to feel bad for a few days then you can plan to retake in Feb.
Leadership audiobooks
I have an audible credit and would like to get a leadership/new job book as I’m starting a new job (higher ed administration) next week. I listened to Leaders Eat Last recommended here and really liked it. Other suggestions?
anon
The First 90 Days
Davis
+1 Great book!
Anonymous
Drive
anon
It’s Your Ship – Management Advice Techniques from the Best D*mn Ship in the Navy
Anonymous
My best friend and I are both pregnant with our first babies now. I was so excited to experience this stage of life with her but I feel like we have very different attitudes towards pregnancy and its making it hard to bond. She’s eating all organic everything, planning for a super natural birth and has basically put herself on bed rest for no reason while I’m vaguely trying to eat healthy but am still eating plenty of processed food, want an epidural the second I can get one and am going about my life as normal, including work and fun travel. She’s not judging my choices (at least not outwardly) but I feel like we’re not connecting over pregnancy the way I expected because we’re doing it so differently. I feel like it’s only going to get worse after our kids are here because we’ll probably have the same differences about parenting styles, plus she’s staying home for at least a year and then hiring a fancy nanny who will teach her kids math and Chinese, while I’m going back to work at 3 months and putting my kiddo in daycare. Any advice? I love her and miss her and I’m sad we’re not bonding over this the way I expected but I feel like it’s so much easier to talk to my other friends about pregnancy and working motherhood. We laugh and joke and commiserate about weird side effects, whereas whenever I talk to my BFF it ends up as “I’m doing X.” “Oh. I’m doing Y.” [Awkward silence].
Anonymous
There is at least a chance she will mellow out once she actually has a kid or two. You could pull back a little now and reconnect later.
FWIW, my kid’s best friend is a vegetarian who has TWO fancy nannies and tutors to teach her math, Chinese, and Spanish, whereas my kid has spent her entire life in day care and after-school care and is allowed to eat the “chicken” they serve in the school lunch. My child is doing just as well in school as her friend, and we are friends with the parents. As long as you’re not acting judgmental towards each other, you don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to be friends.
Anon
She’s not obligated to run her pregnancy in a way that makes you feel happy to bond with her over it.
Women make different choices during pregnancy. Get over yourself.
Whoa
What on earth is wrong with you, Anon at 11:03? OP is asking for advice on how to bond with her best friend during a special time for both of them. She obviously knows her friend doesn’t have to “run her pregnancy” in a way OP approves. She’s just asking for advice on how to navigate the differences. Take your own advice to get over yourself.
Anon
The OP is emotionally distressed and asking for help because her friend is doing pregnancy differently. That’s screwed up.
My friends got distressed over reproduction when they went through rounds of infertility treatments, lost jobs when pregnant, or their babies were born with disabilities. Not when a pregnant lady ate different food.
Mommy wars suck.
Anonymous
You’re 2 different people with 2 very different views on pregnancy/child rearing. That’s fine. Why not go back to talking about whatever you talked about pre pregnancy? Or is there nothing to talk about bc she’s on bed rest voluntarily? I assume she doesn’t work/has quit so she can “focus” on pregnancy?
Anonymous
Wtf?
Anonymous
this is why people dislike pregnant women
God
People plan and I laugh. Sometimes I merely chuckle.
Anonymous
#win
Anonymous
^ this
Congratulations! Enjoy your choices. Do you have other stuff you talk about when you’re not pregnant? Books you’ve read, shows you’ve watched, hobbies…??
Marilla
This part is harder to bond over because you`re both projecting visions, plans, expectations etc in different ways. It will get easier when your babies are here and you can bond over real experiences – even if she has a nanny and yours is in daycare, when they wake up screaming at 3 am you’ll both be in the same boat (babies will spit up on organic bamboo fair trade cotton just as much as they will on Target/Walmart PJ’s!). Focus your pregnancy talks on your other friends but don’t be afraid you’re losing her as a friend – you will still have that shared experience and friendship.
Cornellian
Agreed. I went pretty hippie (natural birth, etc) and some of my best friends did not, but our babies are all doing similar stuff at 6 months.
Spirograph
Welcome to parenthood. Please don’t start mommy wars with your BFF by comparing yourselves. There are so many ways to be a good mother; you do you, and let her do her. You talk about different topics with different friends, right? So just cross pregnancy & parenting off the list of fun things to talk about with this one.
Idea
This. Please, join a pregnancy or mommy-and-me support group. Guess what? We’re all different.
You *might* feel as though she is judging you because of her choices — don’t fall in to this trap. Her choices have nothing to do with you, your pregnancy, conventional wisdom, pop wisdom, alternative wisdom, earth goddess, or anything. She is given X information and limitations and options and makes Y choices as a result. You are given A information and limitations and options and make B choice as a result. Just as your choice is not a reflection on her – it’s best for YOU and YOUR situation – her choice is NOT a reflection on you.
Come up with a few mantras or sayings, to yourself or her, “Oh, that’s interesting.” “Well, the kids will turn out fine!” “Oh, I’m so glad I’m doing it this way” and your stress may be eased and you will hopefully feel more supported BY YOURSELF. This is the goal, for now and until your children are adults – and beyond.
I really didn’t have any special “pregnancy friends” that I super- bonded with. I think this is a myth sold to us by the creators of Pregnancy magazines.
Hope to see you on the CorporetteMoms Board. We’re pretty normal over there.
AIMS
You’ve gotten some harsh responses. I think it’s normal to have different approaches to things like this and it doesn’t have to mean much. I have some very close friends who do things very differently from me and we all just take a “good for you, not for me” approach w/r/t those things. I think that’s harder to do if you are used to getting validation from your friendship but it doesn’t have to mean the end of anything. Not to mention that you will still have plenty to bond over. Sleep regressions happen to everyone; well-meaning relatives giving crazy advice, too. You’ll have plenty to talk about! Not to mention that very few people end up exactly being the kind of parents they think they will be when they actually have kids. I have one friend who registered for all the disposable diapers and accessories, and wouldn’t even watch scary movies when she was pregnant because that could affect the baby, who gave up on the diapers after about 2 weeks and whose kid watches a ton of totally non-age appropriate tv. It happens to everyone. You and your friend will be fine if you just keep making the effort.
On a related aside though: you acknowledge that she isn’t judging you but it sounds like maybe her choices are making you judge yourself a bit? If so, that may be adding to the rift you feel coming between you. Try to not interpret her choices as being a judgment on yours. Parenting is hard. You’re always going to be tempted to compare yourself to others, whether in terms of what they do or what their kids do, and it’s a good habit to start practicing now.
Anon
Right. OP, your friend is not making her choices *at* you. They’re just different choices.
Anon
If she’s your best friend, why this weird obsession about “bonding”? Can’t you just be best friends who do parenting differently?
lawsuited
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time (she was a few months ahead of me). She had a similar approach to your friend and I had a similar approach to you. She had a home birth, while I had a hospital birth with an epidural. She is in the middle of a year-long maternity leave, while I returned to work after 12 weeks. She EBF her baby and now makes her own organic vegetable purees, while I gave my baby a soother at 3 weeks and a bottle at 8 weeks and formula at 12 weeks and will be giving him whatever jarred purees I can easily find in the grocery store.
When we were pregnant, I think I drove a bit of a wedge between us because I felt like she was doing pregnancy better than me and her plans shone a light on all my insecurities about mothering (I wish I could have EBF and been at home with my son for a year, but I’m the breadwinner and it’s not possible). When my son was born, she became a key part of my support system because she had so recently been in my position and knew exactly what I needed. She brought groceries to my house, unpacked the dishwasher, took the baby from me so I could shower, and told me I was doing a great job when I felt like I was failing at all of it. She continues to be my biggest mommy cheerleader, celebrating things that no one else has time for (I put him in his crib sleepy but not sleeping and he put himself to sleep! He finally pooped after being constipated for 2 days!), and troubleshooting things that no one else would care about. I make a conscious effort to be excited and supportive of the choices that she is making as a mother, and she is doing the same for me. It’s shown me that you don’t need to be making all the same choices in order to support each other.
TL;DR: Try to keep her in your life, because once those babies come, you will need each other!
If getting the conversation going is the stumbling block, try this:
You: I’m doing X.
BFF: Oh, I’m doing Y.
You: Really? I read an article about Y, and it was really interesting. How are you going to go about it?
OR, even better:
You: I’m doing X.
BFF: Oh, I’m doing Y.
You: That’s great! I read an article about Y, and it was really interesting. How are you going to go about it?
Spirograph
This is lovely. And good advice re the conversations. A couple of my old friends are wildly different from me in parenting approach, and I just listen. It’s honestly interesting in a cultural anthropologist kind of way (as is often recommended here for dealing with difficult family members), but admittedly it’s gotten way easier to be emotionally detached from the ideas with more kids. Everything just seems fraught with your first, and it’s easy to get caught up. Most of the friends I’ve made since having kids are fellow daycare parents and we have pretty similar parenting philosophies. You’ll find your parenting tribe. There are all kids of people in the world, that’s what makes it great!
lawsuited
I wrote a long reply that must have gone to moderation. Hopefully you check back later!
OP
Thanks for the constructive comments. I’m not “emotionally distressed” about this, just a little bummed about what I perceive as a growing distance with an incredibly close friend and thought some people might have been in a similar situation and have advice. I know this “problem” is not remotely on the same level as death or divorce or infertility, but people ask for advice on all sorts of things here, many of which are fairly trivial. I think AIMS is right that part of why I feel bad after talking to her is because I feel guilty about some of my own choices and that’s in no way her fault. I probably need to work on not comparing myself to others, including her.
But she’s also, not judgy, but a little…smug, is the word maybe? For example, last week I told her I’d been having a lot of back pain and she said “Oh, I’m lucky not to have that because bed rest prevents it.” I kind of doubt the medical veracity of the second half of that statement but even if it’s true, voluntary bed rest isn’t an option for me and she knows that (she works for a family business so she works from home and she has local parents who come and take care of her most nights; neither of those are choices that I can make). I don’t perceive her comment as a criticism of me, but at the same time it’s frustrating that she brings our lifestyle differences into everything. I wish she could just say “sorry, that $ucks” which is what I would say to a friend who was experiencing a pregnancy symptom I hadn’t experienced. So I find myself sharing this stuff with other friends who will just say “sorry” or “oh I had that too, it was miserable” and then I feel bad that I’d rather talk to these friends than my supposed BFF.
I agree that talking about non-pregnancy stuff is a good plan, but she tends to steer the conversation toward pregnancy and babies. I get it, we’re both excited, and I don’t object to talking about pregnancy all the time but it’s harder to talk to her than other people for the reasons I described. Also, I’m not sure we have a ton to talk about besides babies. She fell pregnant almost immediately after her wedding, so before we started talking pregnancy we had been talking pretty much exclusively about her wedding planning for close to two years. I’m not trying to imply she was self-centered during this time. She would always ask I how was doing, but there was nothing going in my life that was anywhere near as exciting as her wedding, so it was the focus of our friendship for most of that time (and I loved helping her plan everything and being her MOH). And before that we planned my wedding, which was not long before we started planning hers, so it’s been a long time since we really had substantive conversations about topics other than weddings or babies.
Anonymous
Isn’t bed rest harmful unless medically indicated?
layered bob
yeah, and except for a very few, very specific issues, isn’t even evidence-based in the vast majority of instances doctors “recommend” bed rest.
Anonymous
Yes. There’s no way a doctor would support this plan for a healthy woman. I went to work every day (which involved climbing two sets of stairs), took walks around the neighborhood every night, and went to the gym once a week and my (kinda rude) doctor shamed me for not exercising more. She actually told me WHILE I WAS PUSHING that it would be easier and faster if I had exercised more during pregnancy. [A tremendously helpful comment, since there was obviously nothing I could do about it at that point.] And I was infinitely more active than a woman on bed rest.
Never too many shoes...
Yes, it is. And even when medically indicated, it *sucks* and definitely affects you in other ways. I had to have emergency cerclage surgery at 22 weeks and was then on 12 weeks of bed rest because it was not holding. It bit – I was anxious, lonely and so bored. And when I was finally able to get up and move around, everything was exhausting (even more than it normally is at 34 weeks). Oh, and I still had pain from lying down all the damn time.
OP, it is likely that your friend is a bit smug and sanctimommy now but newborns are a great equalizer. You do you, sister, and your baby will be fine.
Signed, one who had an epidural, a C-section, formula fed by choice from minute one and went back to work after five months in Canada
anon
When they are smug like that there isn’t much you can do but secretly laugh when something happens to her that you don’t have to deal with. Like maybe she will be one of those parents who tries to potty train her baby at 3 months old and ends up with poop all over her floor.
Anonymous
You received from harsh responses but I think you are struggling with a universal problem. It’s hard when close friends start taking different paths than our own. Many of my friends are friends from college and we met when we were all doing exactly the same thing (students). 10 years later, we are all doing a wide variety of things (some people are in grad school, some are married with kids, some are single, some have time intensive careers).
When our paths started diverging, a few things happened. First, it shone a light on the fact that some friends are “life stage friends.” Over our 10+ year friendship, I tend to be closer with those friends when we are living similar lives and less close when our lives diverge. There’s nothing wrong with friendships ebbing and flowing over time, but it can be painful when you are in an ebb period.
Second, it can make people (myself included) feel judged. When people you love and have a lot in common with make different choices it feels like they are rejecting your choices. It helps to recast decisions as “right for you” or “wrong for you” because decisions aren’t universally “right for everyone” or “wrong for everyone.” Decisions are just different, not right or wrong.
I’m in a similar but different boat to you currently and I empathize. All of my married friends had kids right away, whereas I am waiting a few years to have kids. They talk a lot about their decision to have kids, and having kids, and I sometimes feel a lot of pressure or that I’m doing the “wrong” thing (and similar to you they often word things in a way that implies they think I’m wrong, which sucks).
I try to view it through a positive lens. When I start having kids, they’ll have great advice. And for you, you and your friend will be able to learn a lot from each other because you will both be trying totally different parenting techniques and will be able to share your ideas and what works/doesn’t with each other.
GCG
+1
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I get the harsh responses you are getting, but I also get how you are feeling. It can be hard to remain as close with someone who has very different approaches to pregnancy and parenting. Like you, I continued working and exercising up until I basically gave birth, and I went back to work after my paid maternity leave was over. And I am a much more “laid back” parent than most around me, probably a combination of not being American and just my personality. I think it is important to recognize you may not be able to be as close with someone who is quite different about these things, even if they aren’t outwardly judgy. And taht’s OK-it doesn’t mean you have to be enemies. I believe the closeness of strong friendships can ebb and flow, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a strong relationship.
And on the outwardly judgy piece, if that happens, it can really be hard to stomach it, particularly coming from a close friend. That could alter whether or not you remain friends. Speaking from experience, it can be very hurtful, even if the person if judging you over seemingly stupid things.
lost academic
Why don’t you just talk to her openly about how this seems to be a rift in a ostensibly shared experience? Then you can both have a conversation about the choices you’re making and hopefully you’ll get reassurance that she’s not judging you for yours.
Anonymous
Is a seersucker suit just silly? Eyeing the one on sale at J Crew just now.
MJ
Not silly, but do get limited use, since seersucker is a statement piece. I love me some seersucker though, and get compliments every time I wear it!
Anonymous
Not so much statement as seasonal, in my book. You can only wear it in the summer.
I’d probably limit myself to the jacket and a coordinating skirt (white, maybe), so it’s suit adjacent without being full on seersucker.
Baconpancakes
I wear my seersucker dress once a week on 90+ degree weeks, and I get lots of compliments, but I’m ok with regularly wearing statement pieces, and I live in the south, so YMMV.
It was fun when both our head attorney and I wore seersucker to a meeting, though.
AIMS
I do the same but have never once considered it a statement piece (in NY). I always think it as my sensible dress for hot days.
*A full suit can take on the look of pajamas if it doesn’t fit quite right, but I think that just means you take extra time finding one that works, not that you avoid them altogether.
January
Probably depends on what region of the country you’re in, to be honest.
OP
I have seersucker pants I’ve worn pretty regularly (in the summer, obviously). I was worried about the pajama look AIMS mentioned – I think the tailor may be my friend, here. I’m in the mid-atlantic/early mid-west region, and have a business casual office. I might go for it – can always wear them as separates!
Anonymous
I have the black J.Crew seersucker suit and it gets a fair bit of wear, but with the color it’s also a lot less obvious that I’m wearing seersucker.
New Tampanian
Do you live in Florida? If yes, get it for sure.
Marie
Just wanted to say thanks for the tip on the sale, Anonymous! Extra 60% off with code today. Just picked up a linen Regent blazer and a silk blouse for $62 plus tax and shipping. Importantly, it’s NOT final sale on most items.
OP
Oh yes, I should have mentioned that is why I was considering it! Extra 60% ain’t too bad. I’m also considering this somewhat ridiculous swimming suit with sleeves that looks like an old timey person would wear in a lake.
Accountant Recommendations in DC?
Does anyone have any recommendations for an accountant well-versed in student loan repayment options in the DC area? TIA!
Accountant Recommendations in DC?
Well versed. Missing the edit function again!
Anon
Wait, just to take the hyphen out? (Which I’m not sure would be correct anyway.) It’s always weird to me when people comment to “correct” their typos and autocorrect mistakes. We can all figure it out.
Amomymous
+1, though I chalk all of these unnecessary corrections to the biglaw types around here who apparently get blasted by their overlords for such minor things.
giggly
JT Paulk at Santoni, Paulk & Glos
Nope Nope Nope
My long term SO who is in his mid 40s accidentally dialed me at 3 am from a strip club while on an overnight trip elsewhere. I could tell where he was from the music an other sounds in the background. He’s more or less a homebody so he is not a regular at those places by any means but he’s no stranger either. He knows it bothers me. He doesn’t know anyone in the area so last night wasn’t an outing with friends. There are plenty of issues in our relationship and we continue to work through them but I feel tired and too old for this. He did not pick up the phone when I called him/texted him after the call ended. I expect to hear something from him in the next few hours. How would you feel/react? I realize I may be overreacting but I’m ready to start WWIII. Someone talk me off the ledge or give me the code to press the button.
Flats Only
How do you know it wasn’t just a loud bar with music and people (women) talking? Was it 3:00 AM his time? Honestly, if he is just an SO and not a husband, why invest in working through issues and not in finding a more compatible partner? (I don’t mean to imply that a husband is more meaningful, just that they are legally harder to dump quickly).
Anon
This is all based on the giant assumption that he was at a strip club. I’m not convinced he was there (maybe he was. maybe he wasn’t). Could it have been a bar? Any other club? Do you trust him enough to ask him face to face? I’d start there.
Anonymous
Yea, you should really talk to him before you make assumptions. I am guessing that communication may be one of your issues? At any rate, talk to him when he gets home but don’t be accusatory or defensive unless you want him to shut down about it.
Marshmallow
It sounds like you’re fed up for other reasons. If he knows it “bothers” you but you haven’t drawn a firm boundary– is it so bad that he went while he was traveling? It’s not like he’s skipping time he’d otherwise be with you to go out. My reaction would be different if you just ask him where he was and he lies to you. But if the relationship isn’t working for you, then it isn’t, strip club or not.
Idea
Maybe it was a work outing and he had to go with co-workers or clients.
nope
That’s a big hell no. Nobody “has” to go to a strip club.
Anonymous
You’re right that nobody ever “has” to go anywhere, but I would be personally less bothered by it if my husband was dragged there by colleagues or friends then if he went alone or took the initiative to organize a group to go. YMMV of course.
Anon
Maybe he went with clients because he wanted to.
Delta Dawn
I once dumped a serious boyfriend for going to a strip club. I don’t know if he knew it was a dealbreaker for me or not, before he went, but I didn’t care. I knew I did not want to be married to someone who thought it was acceptable to go to a place like that and objectify women in that way. If you are sure he was at a strip club (as opposed to a regular bar), and if that is not acceptable to you in a partner, you can dump him. You’re allowed to decide your own dealbreakers.
Anonymous
I’m not married but most of my friends are, and I’m surprised by how many of them were ok with their spouses going to strip clubs for their bachelor parties. They were all tee hee, boys weekend! Yeah, no thanks.
Anon
Yup. This would not be a deal breaker or even a big deal for me, but if it is for you OP, DTMFA! Especially given the other issues and given that he knows it bothers you.
Never too many shoes...
Obviously you can feel however you want, Delta Dawn, but it seems a bit unfair to so severely punish behaviour without having previously made your views known.
I have to say I am pretty surprised by how many people this bothers. Not saying that you should not be bothered, just surprised.
Delta Dawn
It was not punishing his behavior– it was his willingness to participate in the behavior that showed me I didn’t want to marry him. It revealed a fundamental incompatibility. I’d rather know that he finds it acceptable to go to a strip club, because I don’t want to be married to a person who finds it acceptable. I don’t want him to change his opinion to fit what I want– if he’s ok with it, I want to know, and I don’t want to be with him. (This is not to say that everyone has to have the same stance, but it’s my stance.)
Jo March
+1 exactly what I was trying to say. Thank you for articulating it better – I hope you don’t mind if I use that script next this topic comes up with friends.
PrettyPrimadonna
I agree with this. WTF.
Jo March
I find it disrespectful to women (and if it was a male strip club, disrespectful for men) and I wouldn’t want to be with a partner to whom I had to explain that. If he disagrees, he’s free to do so and can go live his life without me, and I wish him well. I don’t think going to a strip club makes you a bad/immoral person, but it’s not a characteristic I would want in a life partner (or even a close friend, to be honest). For me, it’s one of those “are we on the same page to begin with?” characteristics, and not something where a compromise in the middle or him agreeing not to go only because he wouldn’t want to upset me satisfies the trait I’m looking for.
anon
I think I’d be more upset by him not returning your call or text right away, than the club part… that actually seems a little more dodgy or irresponsible to me.
Anonymous
Why is this such a big deal? I wouldn’t mind at all if my husband went to a strip club.
Anonymous
Good for you. If OP minds, it’s a big deal. Everyone is allowed to set their own boundaries in relationships (and this is a fairly common one – it’s not like she’s asking her husband not to have female friends or something).
EGG MCMUFFIN
Someone please tell me that I should go eat that apple in my lunchbox instead of the Egg McMuffin that I am craving.
Anon
Eh …. I’m of the mindset that if there’s something you really want, you should eat it. If I ate the apple now, I’d just want to eat 3 Egg McMuffins later. Just eat the Egg McMuffin.
Anonymous
+1. But is today’s post sponsored by drive-through breakfast options!? :)
Anonymous
Referring to the other post about drive-thru breakfast habits!
Anonymous
I would eat the apple and the Egg McMuffin.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
I say have it as a treat (realizing I’m responding much later in the day) – but also please keep this as your regular handle, haha
Anonymous
I especially enjoy that it’s in all caps. EGG MCMUFFIN!
Help?
Reposting from yesterday afternoon–I think I posted too late.
I am in a very awkward professional position and need advice. My boss has not been doing his job (letting people below him do it on his behalf) for 6 months, but my boss’ boss, who is extremely senior in the company, is hesitant to fire even though everyone is aligned. She has asked me to handle my boss’ performance improvement plan. Yes, my boss, who is in charge of my progression in the company–and my bonus. My boss has scheduled daily calls with me for 1-2 hours (!!!) to “set goals.” Unfortunately, I’ve don’t have direct access to my boss’ boss (I met with her once), so all my information about her response and my boss’ timeline is filtered through other people who actually report to her. It sounds like my boss is set up to fail but hasn’t realized it yet.
How am I supposed to manage this? I think I just need to look for a job, but I don’t want to leave! I’ve only been here for 2 years, but my reputation is stellar and my reviews have been excellent–though of course I can’t see that continuing now.
Anon
Is it possible she is seeing how you handle this as a possible replacement for him once he is fired?
OP
No, I am the most junior person in my group.
DCR
That makes it even weirder
Anon
You got good feedback yesterday: say no.
Anonymous
How do you stay engaged on what’s happening in Congress when your representatives and senators are awesome and totally get it, and so calling them doesn’t really do anything? I’m in a state where all but one of our senators and representatives are pro-ACA and against repeal. The one who isn’t doesn’t represent my district, and when I’ve tried calling, they either hang up on me or don’t pick up the phone. I’ve tried calling from an unknown number and bring cagey about where I live (I don’t want to outright lie) and the results are the same. So what do I do? In the past when I’ve tried calling Congresspeople in other states, they won’t talk to me. I really want to help defeat the ACA repeal but I’m out of ideas on how to engage with Congress about it.
Anon
You keep voting for good people and stay involved in local and state elections (the pipeline for federal candidates).
As a former Hill staffer, I can tell you that calling offices that don’t represent you does nothing but tie up the phone lines for people who do live in that district. We never logged comments from non-residents, so you’re literally just airing your feelings to the 22 year old answering the phone. But I can tell you from personal experience that the inverse is true – I’ve watched enough constituents call in to change my boss’ mind on a vote, so reaching out does work.
Anon
Does emailing have the same effect or should I really be calling instead?
Anon
In my office, at least, an intern would quickly scan the email, see what you were writing about, and log your email in the computer system. It never really got discussed, so it didn’t have quite the same effect as, “Wow, our phones are ringing off the hook with people calling about X” or “Senator, we had 472 calls yesterday against SB 123.”
AIMS
I have no idea if it works but I donated money (very small amount) to Heller’s opponent and am planning to call his office to let them know. It makes me feel productive and the money helps even if his office doesn’t care.
If you have friends or family in states that are more in play, you can also rally them to call their reps. A lot of people will do that if you just give them a number and a 2 line script.
Curious
Oh man this is hard. I went to my Senator’s Town Hall, and she said to please send stories (ideally with pictures). Also, I batch things. I have a friend who’s having a visa issue that my Senator’s office might be able to help with, so I batched that with a “hey thanks for fighting for the ACA, it matters a lot to me, I was on my parents’ health insurance until I was 26.” I find it easier to engage if I have something else that they might be able to help with (and they seem happier about it, too).
nutella
You can call voters in other states, who might not be aware that their coverage is about to be cut! Here is how to sign up: https://www.indivisibleguide.com/stop-trumpcare/
You can even connect them to their representatives through their system!
Guilt Over Eating Better?
How do you keep a healthy mindset while changing up a diet and exercise regime? I don’t even like the word “diet” but I am essentially doing just that – cutting down on unhealthy and processed foods and making an active effort to eat better. I don’t want to view it so much as a diet but rather a lifestyle change. I have been more active in the past few months than ever before – lots of hiking, mountain climbing, biking, “clean” eating, etc and I really enjoy it. However, my sister battled with anorexia for years, to the point where she was hospitalized several times, and while I don’t feel that I am anywhere near that level, the memories of that time have been on my mind more than usual since I’ve started eating better. Every time I don’t allow myself to eat processed foods, I think of her and her struggles. While most of my motivation to eat better is just to simply be healthier, I have dropped a few pounds recently has a result and I feel much better about myself. I just worry that looking better will turn into an unhealthy obsession as it did for her. Am I overthinking this?
emeralds
Are the choices you’re making about food, exercise, and activity bringing you joy, happiness, and fulfillment outside of the number you see on the scale? Then keep doing them. You’re wise to be aware of this issue, but as long as you keep your head on straight, you should have a better view than most of the warning signs. I would also read up on orthorexia.
Also, you could run through the diagnostic questions usually used to screen for disordered eating and see how you feel about your responses. The National Eating Disorder Association also has an online screening tool.
jwalk
Definitely overthinking. Focus on eating better so you FEEL better, not so you can be thin. When you choose not to eat processed foods, you know you’re giving your body the nourishment it needs and avoiding a stomach ache/crappy feeling later, not counting calories.
Foolish Fox
It might help to also consciously choose to eat something unhealthy on occasion. That will remind you that you’re not depriving yourself, just making healthy choices most of the time.
Gabby
I love that the color of this jacket will allow it to go with pretty much anything!
-gabby
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