Corporette.com

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 403 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Linea Pelle Jules 41785 ClutchSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. I still need to round up Labor Day sales, but right now Endless is the best I've seen in terms of selection and price — tons of great designers and pieces up to 50% off. Take this Linea Pelle clutch, which is boring but a great basic that every woman should have. Love the wrist strap and the woven leather. Was $195, but is now $97.50. Linea Pelle Jules 41785 Clutch (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  2. SF Bay Associate

    I got the measurements on a bunch of the J.Crew suiting dresses, which I’ll list as replies. In comparison, I wear a size 2 in the No. 2 pencil. I just got the pepper tweed and love it. Measurements for item 99306 in size 2: the waist is 26 inches and the hip is 35.5 inches and the length for all sizes is 25 inches. You will all laugh at the difference in size 2 for the dresses:

    • SF Bay Associate

      Origami dress:
      90322 Origami
      size 00 size 0 size 2
      chest 32.25 33.25 34.25
      waist 26.75 27.75 28.75
      hips 37.5 38.5 39.5
      length f.w. 20.25 20.5 20.75 (length from waist)

      for tall (14342), add two inches to the hem. Nothing is different about the tall size other than the hem length.

      • SF Bay Associate

        Formatting fail.

        size 00: 23.25 chest, 26.75 waist, 37.5 hips, 20.25 length from waist
        size 0: 33.25 chest, 27.75 waist, 38.5 hips, 20.5 length
        size 2: 34.25 chest, 28.75 waist, 39.5 hips, 20.75 length

      • TBK

        This is why my origami dress is a size 6. In what universe does a size 2 have almost 40″ hips? (Frankly, the size 2 measurements here look pretty close to my own and, as I said, I’m tall and close to 160 lbs. Craziness.)

        • qwerty

          wow. this would make me smaller than a size 00 and i normally wear a size 2/4. unbelievable.

      • Cornellian

        I think this shit is part of the reason I gained 15 lbs without noticing. I’m still a 0/2, despite being a solid two sizes larger in my new work wardrobe. guess I need to get a scale.

      • NYNY

        Before we get too crazy about the sizing, are these the actual garment measurements? Because while my hips may be the same as the size 2, nobody at work wants to see them in a dress with zero ease. You need a couple of extra inches there, less at the bust and waist (but still something.)

        • nona

          This was my thinking too. If it’s the actual garment size, not the size of the person the expect to put in the garment, then the dresses with inverted pleats around the waist are going to have more fabric around the hips than say, a pencil skirt.

          And for the talls – I know you said no differences in measurements, but did they measure the neck to waist distance? You don’t normally see that (and it would factor into the overall length) but would affect if the waist is dropped a bit for a longer torso.

    • Equity's Darling

      I’m wearing the pepper tweed skirt today with my robes for my call! I also love it, it’s a great skirt:)

    • SF Bay Associate

      Emmaleigh 24155
      Each size up adds 1″ in all measurements except hem, add .25″

      size 00: 33.25 chest, 26.25 waist, 35.5 hips, 20.75 length from waist
      size 0: 34.25 chest, 27.25 waist, 36.5 hips, 21 length from waist.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Memo 48444
      Each size up, add 1″ to all measurements except .25 to hem. For Tall, add 2″ to hem of that size, no other changes.

      size 00: 33.25 chest, 26 waist, 38.5 hips, 22.75 length
      size 0: 34.25 chest, 27 waist, 39.5 hips, 23 length

    • SF Bay Associate

      Director 16416

      size 00: 33.5 chest, 27.25 waist, 37.5 hips, 23.5 length
      size 0: 34.5 chest, 28.25 waist, 38.5 hips, 23.75 length

    • roses

      Are you sure that all of these are supposed to sit at the same place on the waist? Maybe that accounts for the difference?

      In any event though, shame on J.Crew for apparently giving into the vanity sizing trend. In no world should I be a size 0 in a dress, but I am for several of these. I consider myself on the smaller size of average for my 5’3 frame, so I pity those who are truly tiny!

      • SF Bay Associate

        Nope, not sure. Those are the measurements I got from the J.Crew online person. Not only is the sizing ridiculous, but it’s totally inconsistent across their other products. I need a 2 in the No. 2 skirt this fall, but a 00 in the dresses from the same collection??

        • Jo March

          Damn, this sure sounds like I’m going to have a hard time making J Crew fit me. And I was *so* looking forward to shopping there on my trips to TO!

          • SF Bay Associate

            It may just be the dresses, Jo. Sizing is wildly inconsistent across each item. You may find the dresses are all too big, but you need a Medium in one of the sweaters. It’s just stupid. Email customer service and say what are the exact measurements for item ##### in sizes X, Y, and Z. They have all the info.

        • roses

          I’m planning a trip there soon. I’ll try to report back on whether it’s as inconsistent as the chart makes it look!

      • KC

        As a side rant, I wish JCrew would extend their tall sizes to include size 0, especially when using vanity sizing. I could sometimes make do with a size 2 and have it altered, but the tall dresses would likely be much too large. Boo.

        • anon

          The same with the men’s side. You can not find a Small Tall anywhere, but I have a couple of skinny, long armed brothers that would appreciate properly fitting clothes (or would once he could actually find them somewhere).

  3. anon

    Stalking something @ Ann Taylor. Today, it’s 40% off. Do we predict it will be 50% off later this weekend?

  4. Equity's Darling

    I just want to say thank you to all the posters (esp. Blonde Lawyer!) who left me notes yesterday.

    I’m feeling a bit better about my call ceremony, it’s in 2 hours, eeps! It’s good to know that I don’t need to know everything once I’m called, that I don’t need to know it all, because I think that’s what was scaring me the most. Articling seems to be a year of teaching us what we don’t know more than anything else, to be honest.

    Nonny: yes, they’re individual here, your principal makes an application that is basically your life story and a bit of a roast, you swear your oath, and then your firm hosts a reception for you:) It is really nice, they call it a wedding for one, and judges always say how they love sitting for bar calls and adoptions, because they’re such happy occasions. And my family did fly here for it, so it’s going to be a busy weekend. :)

    • Nonny

      That sounds amazing. I have fond memories of my call ceremony, though they don’t do it individually in BC. Have a really great weekend and be proud of yourself! You did it!

  5. MB

    Shopping TJ: I somehow managed to lose my favorite everyday watch. It was a Lucien Picard gold, boyfriend-style watch with a mother-of-pearl face and diamonds around the face. I have given up on searching for it and am now on the hunt for another, similar watch. I am looking to spend $200-$300. So far, it looks like only Michael Kors watches fit the bill. Any other recommendations?

    • Anonymous

      I love MK watches. If you’re looking for something trendy, go for it. I’ve got two Skagen watches for that price range and they’re pretty decent.

    • CW

      My husband got me a beautiful Bulova watch that sounds similar (although the band is stainless steel). I’m not sure of the pricing, but it is probably in that price point.

      • Nonny

        CW, we may have the same watch! (and my BF got me mine too…) I can also vouch for it – I love mine and wear it every day.

    • mezzaluna

      You can get a Seiko or Esquire in that price range. Macy’s carries both and you can often use coupons.

  6. Newby

    Calling on the hive to find a new work bag that is under $100. Specifically, a black quilted leather (or faux leather) duffle/satchel similar to the Michael Kors Grayson bag. I love the mk bag but alas its too expensive– calling on the superpowers of the hive to locate a cheaper alternative!!

  7. In the Pink - ASOS

    Here’s my update on the noisy pink/red houndstooth peplum jacket. Back from the cleaners and while it drapes better, it is still noisy. I’m going to have to figure out what to do with it as it’s darling. Might throw it in the washer/dryer as I feel I have nothing to lose. It 72% poly and says “dry clean only.” Thoughts?

    • emcsquared

      Leave it in a sunny window or hang it in the bathroom while you shower? Both those things used to take the edge off my overly-starched shirts from the cheap drycleaner in my old neighborhood.

    • Anonymous

      I usually just soak them in a bit of water without any soap (unless they need washing) and let it air-dry on a flat surface. That usually removes all the starch and is not too harsh to the cloth

    • Bonnie

      I think the noise is from the type of material and not from starch. Still a cute jacket.

  8. Maybe TMI but...

    Anyone else get ingrowns from waxing/weeding the lady garden? I’ve found some products that have really helped (and a waxer that seems to cause them way less than other people), but I still tend to get some on the top area, every time.

    I’m not looking for advice on how to prevent them, but this is more of a “is this normal” question. I’m self-conscious that guys will see them in the bedroom and assume I have a STD or something! Past BFs have noticed I’m “self-conscious” but they think it’s a body issue thing- it’s NOT- it’s the red bumps. I have never told them why I feel this way.

    So (1) is it common to always get a few ingrowns (I would say I have around 7-8 at a time, always on the top of my garden, some so small you wouldn’t notice)? and
    (2) Do guys notice? Do they think it’s gross? (even if they shouldn’t!) Do they know this is normal when you weed your lady garden? Should I just be upfront?

    Thanks! I didn’t know who else to ask about this!

    • Herbie

      Weeding your lady garden! Almost burst out laughing in my office.

      No advice, but I salute your phrasing.

    • Sugar Magnolia

      Should you hire a new gardener, he will likely feel so privileged to be employed in that capacity, that he will not care about a few bumps in the lady garden. They normally are just happy to get access to such a space.

      • Ellen

        Well, as far as I am concerned, No Man is geting any kind of acces’s until I see a Dimond RING from Harry WINSTEN or from Tifany’s.

        The last doosh I was serieous about never gave me any ring and I alway’s thought if I was good and honest and NOT to Judgementeal, he would see how good I was and MARRY me and I would be happey, but he did NOT, and beleive it or NOT, I do NOT miss him one bit now b/c he is Still drinkeing with the bottel, perferring it OVER me. FOOEY on that!

        Now all these men I meet want to date me but I know that they are realy interested in just haveing sex with me and that is TOTALY OUT of the QUESTION until I am at least engeaged with a dimond ring on my finger. And even then, mabye not.

        Anyway, I want to be MARRIED to a guy who love’s me for me. Is that so bad? I do NOT think so. Fooey on men who do not love me for me. Fooey! I can make a good wife for some lucky guy my dad says and he is very smart.

        • Eva

          Please do not encourage Ellen to be unvirtuous. Look what happened with Alan. We don’t need a relapse with some Silicon Valley guy like Justin Timberlake, who piped a few Stanford women and dumped them in the movie about Facebook.

    • S

      Yeah, it’s normal. Men can get ingrowns in that area, too – not necessarily from shaving or waxing, sometimes it’s just the way hair grows in. I don’t see why anyone would care. I think you’re being way too self-conscious about it. ;)

    • DC Jenny

      Most guys I know get or have gotten ingrowns or at least irritation from shaving their faces, so they understand, and no, they do not care at all.

    • meara

      Depends on how your hair grows, but totally common–you may want to look into some ingrown prevention–there are products for that. Won’t be perfect, but will help some.

    • karenpadi

      I get them and they get pretty bad. I found it’s better when I do regular waxing. Shaving will guarantee that I’m still getting them 3 months later.

      My doctor said the best thing to do is use a hot washcloth to soften the skin for 3-5 minutes, then gently “pop” the infected part and tweeze out the hair (granted, I had a really bad one when I saw her and I don’t do this for small ones). I usually wet a wash cloth and stick it in the microwave for 15 seconds on high.

      Guys notice but most guys know they happen and don’t care. I had an ex who got some because he was wearing compression shorts (I had just gotten a wax and had a usual amount) and he accused me of giving him an STD. We broke up after that…

    • SunnyD

      Have you considered laser hair removal? I used to get the ingrown hairs you speak about, but once the hair is gone, there is nothing to ingrow. Even if you can’t afford to get however many zillion sessions the laser place will want to sell you, you might get relief by even going once and then resuming your waxing/weeding practices because you’ll just have so many fewer hairs.

      weeding the lady garden is an awesome expression. Thanks for making my afternoon.

      • A

        This. Laser hair removal is amazing.

        I would say waxing is second best and then shaving (if we are basing this on number of in grown hairs). Shaving used to always cause me to develop little red bums / in grown hairs.

      • why not

        I’ve spent $3000 on laser hair removal of legs, underarms, and bikini, am four sessions in, and at first it seemed to be going okay… but now I’m convinced the hair is growing back. I thought I had a 30% reduction under my arms, and now I think it’s all there again. Bah! I have two more sessions, but don’t think there’s much hope at this point.

        • S in Chicago

          Stick with it if you noticed initial reduction. Hair growth occurs in cycles. So with each treatment, the laser is getting new hairs that were at different points in their growth cycle. Each time you go, you’ll notice it starts getting less painful (and the technician is able to increase the strength of the laser). That’s because there are fewer and fewer hairs that need treating. Mind you, I haven’t had anyone do my lady garden. Laser is so painful that my hat goes off to anyone willing. You’re far, far braver than me.

        • Bonnie

          Are your appointments spaced apart enough? They should be every 6-8 weeks to allow regrowth between sessions.

        • Anon.

          Also, your age and fertility status may matter. I hormones have gone through baby / nursing cycle a few time and now I’m old enough to be showing some signs of pre-menopause. Hair that is hormonally charged (face/lip/lady parts) can come on differently later in life as hormones wax and wane. And you have to get laser done while they are dark otherwise it won’t work on gray.

          FWIW, my laser person said that I may need more treatments in the 40s/50s because that rogue hair isn’t around yet to be gotten. Waah.

          • Sadie

            Eh, I had laser done, went through multiple treatments to get all the growth cycles, and the hair was gone for about 2 years, then started growing back again.

        • Crabby blonde

          I’ve gotten 14 treatments in my lady area… It always grows back to some extent, but it’s so much finer, no more ingrowns, and my touch ups are about the same price as a Brazilian wax at a nice place $75-$100. It’s not the miracle I was hoping for (that some people seem to get!) but it does make it much more manageable.

    • eek

      ha, you’re normal. I’m not sure how bad yours are, but i have heard good things about Bliss Ingrown Eliminating Pads.

    • Anon

      I get them too and am also self conscious about them. You are not alone! I have never told anyone either.

    • Maybe TMI but...

      Thanks for chiming in everyone! So does that mean you don’t say anything, you just pretend like there’s nothing there. Or do you actually say something to the guy, like “yah, I get ingrowns down there sometimes from waxing! It sucks!”?

      • DC Jenny

        It seems like you are over-thinking this. It’s not “pretending” if you just get to the business of lady-gardening without some lengthy preamble about possible flaws in the terrain. The only reason to mention it is if they ask or you are in pain and it might affect the gardening activities.

          • Monday

            I thought “garden party” was the official euphemism? Or is it “gardening activities” only if you’re actually trying to, you know, sow seeds? I guess I just can’t keep this all straight.

          • Equity's Darling

            Monday- Maybe gardening activities refers to the activities required to prepare the garden for a party? So, gardening activities precede the party proper? I mean, I would be pretty hesitant to hold a party in a garden that was not prepared.

      • s

        It’s not like you have some disease, it’s an ingrown hair. You’re not hiding anything by not pointing out perceived flaws.

      • e_pontellier

        My DH noticed that my lady garden has small bumps sometimes, but I have switched to a new waxing method (I think it’s called hard wax — and it is a LOT of wax — but it is way less painful) and I purchased “ingrown hair serum” which so far, seems to be helping (use immediately after showering). I read that tea tree oil can help if you want to try natural remedies.

        Our metaphor is ah-ma-zing.

      • a.

        I just act like nothing’s there, TBH. If a dude is lucky enough to be granted access to my lady garden, he can deal with the fact that trimming the hedges results in bumps and/or the odd ingrown hair. I’ve never had anyone comment.

    • eaopm3

      I get the worst. Honestly, they were worse when I waxed. I think it is because the hairs had plenty of time to grow all sorts of wacky directions underneath the skin. I just shave now, but I am still self-conscious in a bikini because I feel like I always have irritation or ingrown hairs. (Still get them with shaving, just not as awful.)

      When I used to throw the occasional lady garden party with a guy that was new, I would hit the bathroom beforehand and put a little concealer on the red spots. It made me feel better. After the newness wore off, I stopped doing that because I was comfortable enough to explain what was up.

      An esthetician told me that she uses St. Ives Apricot scrub as an exfoliant in order to avoid ingrowns. I haven’t tried it yet. I am hoping that I can fix it by ponying up the money for laser hair removal.

    • Eleanor

      I read this site and then checked the news, and at this moment there is an ad on the Wall Street Journal website that says, “What can your garden learn from a Tuscan estate?” I almost burst out laughing; I don’t know what a Tuscan estate would be in this complex metaphor we have going about lady gardens, weeding, and gardening activities, but now the ad seems irrationally hilarious.

      Regarding the actual question of this thread, I don’t really think ingrown hairs are anything to be embarrassed about – you didn’t do anything wrong, you’re not dirty, they just happen. To most people, including me. Why would a guy care? Unless he’s like the guy karenpadi describes, who sounds like a jerk anyway. Don’t worry about it.

    • Anon here

      See a derm if you are very worrried. I had what I thought was an ingrown. It was an infected hair follicle that turned to a cyst that hasn’t gone away. I will likely have it surgically removed. Even ingrowns can get infected. Just keep an eye on it!

    • Bluejay

      It’s normal. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but if you exfoliate every day for 3-7 days after getting waxed it should prevent them, and I like Paula’s Choice BHA gel as to exfoliate.

      No idea what guys think about this.

    • Batgirl

      What does the hive think about depilatory creams (like Nair) when it comes to ingrowns? I’ve been thinking of switching it up.

      Reading this thread, I can’t help but think “why are we all ripping hair off our bodies so that we can then treat ingrown hairs and infections?” Put me down as a “trimming the hedges” gal and not a bare-winterscape gal!

      • SF Bay Associate

        Girl, you must buy How To Be A Woman. I know Herbie will back me up on this.

          • SF Bay Associate

            HA! Love you, cbackson. I had a great time last time I was in Atlanta. Hope it’s treating you better than the PNW did :).

      • Anon

        Yeah, I don’t do it at all. I guess I should consider myself lucky that my husband prefers natural so I don’t even have to consider his feelings. I really don’t get why the trend is to look like prepubescent girls.

      • Anon for this

        Im the one with the infected hair follicle/cyst issue. It is on the edge of my bikini line. I would have to shave there to be comfortable in a bikini. Those that just trim, do you let it show outside your bikini too or do you shave there?

        • Anon b/c this is TMI

          Trim and tuck, lol. But I’m lucky in being relatively contained to begin with.

        • Batgirl

          Late reply, but I am starting to just wax/Nair the part that would show out of undies or a bikini. I don’t like the way it looks (because I’m a victim of the patriarch! :)) and because it feels uncomfortable to me. But I don’t tend to get ingrowns in that part as much–maybe because the skin is tougher.

      • Bluejay

        I use Veet. The thing with depilatory creams is that they don’t rip the hair out completely, but rather remove it at the skin level leaving the root behind. So if you do your whole bikini area, it can be itchy growing back in, plus you need to do it every week or two. I just do the edges and I exfoliate, and I never have itchiness or ingrowns (I used to get ingrowns before I started exfoliating).

        There’s a great quote from Eve Ensler’s book The Good Body:
        “Women are busy piercing, perming, waxing, lightening, covering, cutting, lifting, tightening, flattening, starving when we could be running the world. How do you keep women out of power? Keep us in front of the mirror.”

      • a.

        Ooh girl, you, me, and Caitlin Moran are all for trimming the hedges. When my garden is all wintery and bare, I alternate between feeling like a chicken cutlet and a six-year-old, neither of which is conducive to the party atmosphere.

  9. Regalia345

    Does anyone have any recs for black heels that are super comfortable and similar to the Cole Haan Air Talia Mid Pumps? I love the heel height (2 1/2 inch), look, and comfort of the Air Talia Mid Pump but can’t afford to buy multiples as my everyday work shoe ($148 on a pair of shoes is already a splurge for me). Does anyone have any recs for a similar shoe but under $100?

    • S

      Am I missing the point or do you want to buy multiple pairs of a shoe that will all look exactly the same? Can’t you just wear the same pair every day?

      • AnonInfinity

        I’ve read that shoes last longer if you rotate them. So, if you want to wear a shoe that looks the same every day, you can buy 2 pair and rotate them.

        Also, I’ve bought multiples of the same pair before so when one pair wears out, I’ll have another pair on standby and know that I won’t have to rehem any of my pants.

      • Regalia345

        I buy multiples so I can rotate the pairs so the shoes last longer. The shoes have an opportunity to air out before the next wear. I’m on my feet almost 12 hours a day and can only wear black heels, so buying 2-3 pairs of the same shoes that are reliably comfortable is the best bet.

      • Bluejay

        Maybe she has them in another color and is looking for black ones as her second pair.

        OP, I adore the Air Talia mids, and i have never found anything even remotely close to how awesome they are. It was worth the $148 for a second pair for me.

    • TBK

      Just ordered Naturalizer Clava. Should arrive today so I’ll send an update and let you know how they feel. (I think they’re about $60 at Zappos.)

      • N.

        I have the Naturalizer Denio (very similar, just a slightly shorter 2.5″ heel), and they’re very comfortable.

      • j

        I love my Naturalizer Clava. I wish the heel were a little more slender, but I just find Naturalizer shoes really comfortable. My fav pump brand because of that.

        • CKB

          I agree – I love Naturalizer shoes. They are comfortable, they have some great basics, and you can get really good deals on them. They are my go to brand of shoes – I’m not much of a trendy shoe person.

      • TBK

        Got them. Have to return them. They were listed as leather online but turns out they are not. :(

      • Nonny

        Seconded. My standard black work heels are Sofft (and even better, purchased at Nordie’s Rack) and I love them to bits.

    • e_pontellier

      I would look for the pumps at a discount shop – perhaps DSW? I found the Cole Haan Air Talia Mid Pumps in black at ShoeMania (in NYC) for $60 recently.

    • mamabear

      I don’t know whether you’re still checking responses, but zulily is having a huge sale this weekend. I saw some Etienne Aigner mid heel pumps that look a lot like the Cole Haans and they’re $3oish a pair on sale. Black and red patent. I didn’t check sizes. I also saw a pair of Me Too pumps that have a similar feel. I think both brands are supposed to be pretty foot friendly, particularly Me Too.

  10. Blazers as Separates?

    I’m trying to incorporate more blazers into my work wardrobe, but I’m having a hard timd finding blazers that work as separates. Everytime I try one on, it just looks like I’m wearing a mismatched suit. Any tips for finding blazers that work as separates? As always, specific recs would be really appreciated!! I’ve been on the hunt for months now for a gray blazer and a combo black/white one with no luck.

    • TBK

      I try wear a jacket and skirt/pants that are two shades of the same color, or a pattern on one and a solid on the other that incorporates a color from the pattern. E.g., light blue jacket with navy skirt, tan jacket with dark brown skirt, black and white tweed jacket with black skirt (or black and white tweed skirt with black jacket). Or I wear a top and bottom in the same color with a different color jacket — e.g., navy skirt, light blue shirt, tan jacket.

    • CW

      I love blazers as well, but struggle to find good ones (in a reasonable price point) for similar reasons. I don’t have recs for gray or black/white blazers, but I recently purchased the blazer from the Limited that Kat posted a few weeks ago, and love it. I think because it’s shorter than a normal suit jacket and has a more clearly defined nip in the waist. They don’t seem to have the exact same one online anymore, but search for “Knit Jacket” on their website to see it in a gorgeous purple color (only downside is it is 3/4-sleeve). Also, check out Zara’s “jogging blazer” – it seems to run a tiny bit longer, but comes in fun colors and has full length sleeves.

      • CW

        Although, I could be wrong about the full-length sleeves on the Zara blazer. The photos are of the sleeves rolled up.

    • DC Anon

      Don’t know if you have Zara in your area, but they often have a great selection of blazers that are meant to be worn as separates (no matching pants/skirts). I don’t know if it’s just the psychology of it or if they actually look different from suit jackets with matching bottoms, but I always feel good about wearing them with jeans or over a dress. And they’re not outrageously expensive, around $90-100 full price.

    • Basics

      Echo what others here said. I usually wear a black and white pattern jacket with a black skirt or black pants and a jewel toned top. The jacket I really like to do this with is a Banana Republic Camille jacket. Link in the next post. It is huge on this blogger, but mine is fitted and has a little nip at the waist and is very flattering. Because it is black and white “tweed” (it’s actually cotton), it goes with most of my wardrobe.

    • LF

      You’re in luck! I don’t like getting on shopping websites at work, but the GAP currently is selling the “Academy Blazer” in ponte in multiple colors, including a gray with black piping and black with white piping, and it is comfortable, lined, and on sale for 30% off $88. I happened to pick mine up with a 40% off and $20 rewards card, which brought the grand total to, oh, $32 or so.

      (I have no affiliation with the GAP… this was my first blazer purchase there!)

      • Cb

        This is on my list. I also bought the tweedy one they are carrying as my 10 year old American Eagle schoolboy jacket finally bit the dust.

    • mezzaluna

      I’ve had luck at Talbots. The “Jacket” section has a good selection of blazers hat are not part of a suit, and that work well as separates.

    • ss

      No specific recs but I find camel/ tan jackets the most useful for pairing with colours, prints and other neutrals. With tan shoes, I find I can wear pretty much any kind of light or bright colour and still look reasonably polished. For navy, black and grey, some kind of texture helps (tweed, silk slub) helps although I still pretty much only wear black with ivory, and avoid grey/ greige separates, for the exact reason you say ie. it looks like I’ve lost the other half of a suit.

  11. TurtleWexler

    Seattle-based ‘r e t t e s: I had posted a couple weeks ago asking if anyone was interested in a meetup and a couple people said yes, but then life got a bit crazy and I didn’t follow up. So, trying again — if anyone is around in the next couple weeks and wants to get together sometime, email me at acorpor e t t einseattle at gmail dot com (all one word, no spaces). I’ll loop everyone who responds in so we can try to find a date and time!

  12. DDF Brightening Cleanser

    I promised someone here I’d let them know how I liked the DDF cleanser I got in my Birchbox. I’d say it helps with the brightness of my skin tone (maybe evenness as well). I dislike the licorice smell and I think it is responsible for drying out my skin a bit. I’m going to keep using it until I run out to see how it impacts my skin long term. Unless I see drastic results the smell alone is enough to keep me from ordering it again, but I am anti-licorice. Hope this helps! L

    • h

      I tried this out too while on a sunny-location vacation (its travel size!). It made my skin get a rash like crazy b/c of the sun exposure. I probably should have noticed the warning on the back, but oh well. After about 3-4 days, my skin went back to normal.

  13. Totally Anon for this

    Ok, so last night was an emotional night for me, my sister had her third baby, and I had her two toddlers. So there was happiness, stress from being inexperienced in caring for a 3 and 2 year old and sadness that my dad wasn’t around to meet his third grandbaby.

    On top of all of this, I took my kids to my house and my husband kept calling my 2 year old nephew ‘retard’ and ‘retarded’ because he has started stuttering when he’s speaking. Beyond being p*issed off that he was telling this to my nephew’s face, and calling him by that name, I don’t like people using those words anyways. In my opinion, if a person is mentally handicapped, it doesn’t mean you can call them rude names.

    I confronted him, and he came back at me with “Well you yell at them, why can’t I call him that?” {I ‘yell’ at them to stop hanging on our glass table that might break and hurt one of them, or when they’re doing things that will hurt them. And I know I probably should find a different way to take care of this without talking louder (my husband defines yelling as talking louder) to get their attention.} So while he was supposed to help me care for the kids, I took them and left. We stayed at their house for the night.

    I don’t even know what I’m looking for here, but first of all, how do you deal with people who try to justify their actions by throwing something you do back on you? Secondly, I don’t even know how to deal with this issue with my husband, other than keeping my niece and nephew away from him.

    • Totally Anon for this

      Should clarify my first sentence (I’m not thinking extremely clearly on this issue): My sister was in the hospital delivering her third baby, and I was babysitting her two toddlers.

      • Yikes.

        I understood…my reply may have gotten lost below, but calling a toddler these names is unacceptable and abusive.

        • DC Jenny

          Agree. There is a huge difference between raising your voice to warn a child to stop doing something dangerous and calling a child insulting and offensive names. And who mocks a stuttering child anyway? Is your husband someone who generally has good moral character or is the way he normally treats people?

    • awkward

      Does he normally act like this to other people? It’s one thing to be mean to an adult, but to a child? It sounds like you could use some counseling.

      • Totally Anon for this

        I’ll answer the first question in a post below, since a lot of people asked it, but why would I need counseling? I knew his behavior was wrong and removed the kids from the situation. I can understand why HE would need counseling, and I actually think he does need to go.

        • awkward

          Sorry, I meant couples counseling to work out his reactions – if he attacks you instead of owning up to the fact that he made a mistake, that’s not a good situation to be in. It might not be something that would come up in a solo session with him and a counselor if he thinks it’s not a problem and it seems like it’s affecting your relationship. If he keeps it up it’s going to affect your self confidence and your relationship with your family if it hasn’t already, and that’s not ok.

    • Research, Not Law

      First off, good for you for not only intervening, but for removing the poor child from the situation. He shouldn’t be subjected to that.

      Certainly taunting a child is different than raising your voice to alert them of a safety concern. As you said, it’s best to not yell – but I have a 3 year old at home and do my fair share.

      Is your husband usually like this, or was this an off day? Has he given any indication that he’s sorry and realizes that he was out of line with you and nephew? If he does, then I’d go home and let it be water under the bridge. If not, I’d call a friend to help and stay at your sister’s place. The kids will probably be more comfortable there anyway (mean uncle aside, it can be comforting to be home with mom and dad are away).

      Do you plan on having kids? He really doesn’t seem ready. Honestly, your husband sounds like a tool. Turning on a child and his wife like that is not okay.

      (Also, stuttering is very common at that age and generally coincides with a surge in verbal skills. It comes and goes. Stuttering as a pathology isn’t diagnosed until the child is ~5+. Just an FYI, if you were curious.).

      • Anon

        Yes my daughter did this off and on when she was three. It was annoying and I worried about it. Completely resolved itself without intervention.

        I don’t mean to sound hateful, but your husband sounds like he has major issues. If he’d treat someone else’s kid like this, imagine how he might treat his own kid! I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine.

    • TBK

      Is this type of behavior normal for you husband, or was last night just out of the blue? That is, does he use degrading names for people generally? Does he call your own kids names? What was the context — did he think he was being funny and just engaging in some light teasing (I would disagree that this was funny or teasing, btw), or was he frustrated and stressed and this is what came out of his mouth in response to frustrating/stressful triggers? Also, is he the type who’s likely to admit wrongdoing when he cools off, or will he stand his ground to the end rather than say he was wrong?

    • L

      Wow. Two separate issues here.

      The fact your husband called a 2 year old “retarded” for stuttering is completely unacceptable. Talk about being a bully, especially to a kid. That word is completely unacceptable and your poor nephew! What kind of adult gets off on hurting a kid’s feelings?!?! In a calm moment, you should say that word is completely unacceptable to use, let alone as an insult to a 2 year old and he should apologize to your nephew.

      The throwing stuff in your face makes no da*mn sense to me. “You yell at them” so he can insult them?! That’s not an argument. He should feel ashamed of himself and I’d love it if you could find someone who knows child psychology who could make him fully understand what that kind of behavior can do to a kid.

      Yelling for safety reasons in an urgent situation seems fine to me (no kids myself though), but if it’s a less urgent situation, you could always try the “you shouldn’t do that bc of X.”

    • rosie

      Sorry about your dad, and congratulations on your new niece/nephew.

      Regarding the fact that he justified what he said by saying that you yell at the kids. I would talk to him about it not in the middle of a fight (or a confrontation). Just ask him to tell you if you are doing something that he finds objectionable, rather than saving it for when he needs to defend himself (I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but I’m just trying to convey what I mean). Tell him you value his opinion, and if you do something that bothers him, you hope he will tell you at the time or soon after so you can discuss.

      There are so many things wrong with the other part of your question. You don’t call someone “retard,” to their face or otherwise. You don’t call a child names. You don’t make fun of a child. Do you plan to have kids with him?

    • Fiona

      Dude, your husband is an a–hole. Who says that to a 2 year old? I have a 2 year old nephew too, and if someone called him “retarded” for his developing speech skills, I would freak out on them.

      That said, I think this is a deeper conversation with your husband. Does he not know how to interact with children? Or humans for that matter? I think as a first start, I’d wait until the iron has cooled and then have a real conversation with him about how to interact with children and why calling them names is very hurtful. (Or you could have your three year old nephew have this conversation with him, because even three year olds should know this…) As for using the word “retarded”… that’s a longer conversation about respecting people, especially the less fortunate than us.

      I’m sorry this is so snarky. It’s just striking a chord with me. NO ONE CALLS MY BABY NEPHEWS RETARDED.

      • L

        I retract most of what I said and endorse this. The more I sit here and think about someone saying that to my nephew the angrier I get.

      • Bluejay

        Agree. And I hope the OP and her husband are not planning to have children anytime soon.

    • Stepmom re: driving and ACT preparing

      “how do you deal with people who try to justify their actions by throwing something you do back on you?”

      The other day, I recommended John Gottman’s, “Seven Habits of Highly Successful Marriages” (or a title very close to that — I am not near my bookshelf). One of the chapters talks about the “four horsemen of the (marriage) apocolypse” — aka “don’t do these things when you disagree with your spouse or you will soon be single again!” One of the four horsemen is exactly what you are describing. I can’t remember what Gottman calls it, but it is bad, bad, bad.

      I loved this book. It was very insightful, not at all preachy, practical and easy to implement (easy as in “clear” not as in “it’s so easy to be a perfect spouse”). If your husband won’t read it and discuss it with you, maybe it would help if you read it alone?

      • Senior Attorney

        Gottman’s Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I’d say the husband’s behavior here is classic defensiveness, of the cross-complaining variety.

    • BLP

      This is beyond appalling. Unless your husband was having a majorly off night and this is so completely out of character for him that you think it might have been his evil twin talking, you need to seriously consider whether this is the kind of person you really want to spend your life with. Short of actual physical abuse, I can’t think of much worse behavior from an adult towards a child. How about a little bit of empathy toward the 2 year old who was probably more than a little bit confused and out of sorts by the fact that his mom was off having a baby (which is going to rock his little world)? Instead, he gets mocked for what may or may not be a disability (bit too soon with a kid just learning to talk whether this is a real issue or just a transitory thing). I wouldn’t just be p*ssed off, I’d be reevaluating everything about my husband and whether he was really who I thought he was.

    • Totally Anon for this

      I am just going to reply with one long comment instead of going through each one.

      To answer the question “Is this normally how he acts?” The answer is yes and no (He has been working on it).

      I do think that he is verbally abusive at times to me. I have confronted him about it, and I believe he is working on it. He generally will recognize, or be open to conversation about why a behavior is wrong, and why he should stop x behavior. The first year of our marriage was h*ll. Some of the things he said to me should never be thought about your parter, let alone out loud to them, and they broke my confidence to pieces. I fought back though, and while he doesn’t understand why words would hurt, he at least doesn’t say them (much) anymore. He was open to going to counseling, but we never did.

      When I asked him if he really thought it was ok to call a 2 year old a retard, he said “I think that it’s a good idea not to say it even if I do think it…he’ll hear it plenty in school.”

      Which put me over the top again.

      I completely agree that he is acting like an a**hole and a tool. I won’t disagree there.

      We’re not planning to have children, and this situation firmly solidified that in my mind.

      Fiona, I am incredibly angry that he said this to my nephew, and I would protect these babies whatever the cost. :)

      Thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely find it and read it.

      BLP: Believe me, I’ve given it much thought today.

      • L

        Major therapy. For you, for him, together. I don’t mean to be gloom and doom on a holiday Friday, but can you see yourself staying married to a person who behaves this way? I hope working on it is actively seeking professional help

        He needs to apologize to your nephew or kick him out of the house. Actions like this should have consequences.

      • Research, Not Law

        Yikes. I do agree with BLP.

        I would try to stay at your sister’s place until they return from the hospital. I’ve got two at home and know it’s a handful, so hopefully someone can help you. But bringing them home to your husband isn’t going to improve the situation.

        Sorry, hon. Not a great start to the weekend. Congratulations on the new nephew or niece. You’re a good aunt. Be good to yourself, too.

      • e_pontellier

        You’ve gotten so many replies that I’ll try to only say something new. Your husband’s reaction that you yell at the kids, so he gets to also, is very childish. However, it sounds more like a reflex than something that should make you reconsider your marriage (calling your nephew retarded is a different story and I agree with Fiona!). I think the reflex is that he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions. If you decide to go to couples counseling, also try to go to individual counseling. I read about someone (I think on this site) who said both she and her DH did individual counseling with their couples therapist, so the therapist really got the whole story, and that sounds kind of brilliant. Good luck and I’m sorry your father isn’t here to celebrate the baby with you.

      • Elle Urker

        You are not planning to have children but you still might fall pregnant and then they are stuck with this awful father. If you choose to stay with your husband, please consider a permanent solution.

      • AmyRenee

        One other point to bring up with him – not only was it not ok to say to/in front of the 2 year old, but what if the 3 year old repeats it? How awful would it be if your sister came home from the hospital with the 3 year old calling the 2 year old retard? You need to watch EVERYTHING you say in front of kids, they will repeat it at the worst possible times.

        It will probably be easier on the kids for you to watch them at their house – already childproofed, all their toys are there, food they will eat in the fridge/pantry, sleep in their own beds, etc etc. Less convenient for you, but probably less stressful on the “don’t break the coffee table” front.

        In regards to yelling – if kids are about to do something dangerous/break something, try “STOP” or “FREEZE” instead of “NO”, then once you have their attention, talk in a normal voice as you lead them away from whatever it is. Its ok to raise your voice briefly to get their attention, but the more you talk loudly or yell the more they will ignore it. Old teachers trick – try whispering to get their attention instead of yelling, when it isn’t a dangerous/about to break something situation.

        Good luck with your husband and your family, and I also am joining in the counseling or DTMFA chorus.

        • Lucy

          This. Totally this.

          It sounds to me like he’s moved on from only verbally abusing you to verbally abusing people you love. If you’re a childless adult with no other attachments in the world, then his behavior only affects you – but you can’t in good conscience expose your beloved nephews to this jerk and his terrible behavior.

          • Frances

            Dump the MFA. I loved a guy to the extent I had his name tattooed on my butt. Now I am having difficulty maintains relationships with guys who see that name emblazoned on my ass because they think I am slutty. My ex was named David and I am looking for a decent guy who can accept my bum for what it is. David’s are acceptable tho I don’t sleep with men on the first date anymore.

      • anonanonanonanon

        Please leave him. Having been in a previous verbally abusive relationship with a substance abuser that I am lucky to have survived, you need to leave. He can’t treat you like this, and by “you” I’m referring to you and anyone/thing that you love. do whatever you can, but leave.

    • shortiek

      wow, sorry but your husband sounds like a total jerk. I’m pretty sure most people would agree that calling someone “retarded” is not okay. And what kind of adult name calls a 2 year old?!

      The fact that he tried to excuse his actions also raises a red flag for me. Whether or not he’s normally a great guy, someone who reacts to stress like that – bullying a child, arguing like a child– is not the type of person I would want to be in a partnership with.
      Really not okay.

      Stuttering is really common in young children, and they grow out of it. But it can be really harmful to mock mistakes in a toddler’s communication– the idea is to get them talking, not shame them into silence !

    • gov anon

      Wow! Your husband’s reaction sounds over the top! Does he do this to adults too?

      If he’s normally a reasonable guy you need to figure out what’s going on with him and maybe when you are both calmer and less stressed give him a better idea of how to handle the kids. And if you’ll be babysitting somewhat regularly you might want to do a little toddler proofing (put what breakables you can out of sight and reach) and invest in some toys that you can pull out when the little ones are there.

    • M-C

      However you may feel about this man now, please be sure not to get pregnant..
      And congratulations for doing the right thing, getting the kids out of his range.
      Now try to think of the times when he does the same to you, because I’d find it hard to believe that he doesn’t, a least a bit, sometimes.

      • a.

        This. My jaw dropped when I read this. I do not understand on whose planet it’s acceptable for an adult male to call a three-year-old names. I do not say this lightly, but DTMFA.

        • Tina

          Please don’t scream at me ya’ll. Was he, perhaps, calling the kid “retarded” in the way that someone might call a kid a smartypants or a goofball? Was he kidding with the kid, and didn’t realize that it isn’t funny and then when you called him on it, failed to apologize?

          • a.

            There’s a chasm of difference between referring to a kid, jokingly, as a smartypants or a goofball, and calling him retarded because he stutters. The OP also said that her husband has been verbally abusive to her in the past; and when she called him on this particular instance, she quoted him as saying “I think that it’s a good idea not to say it even if I do think it…he’ll hear it plenty in school.” Which is the opposite of anything that could even be remotely construed as a joke. So in this case, from what the OP has described, I don’t think there’s a chance that he meant it as anything but an insult.

            And I mean, joking about someone being “retarded” is inappropriate anyway.

  14. Yikes.

    He’s being verbally abusive to your nephew. I’m sorry, this is a red flag, and you shouldn’t have your niece and nephew around him.

  15. CJ

    I am thinking about subscribing to a monthly box of some sort. The one’s I’m considering are very diverse because I’m not looking for a specific product but rather a fun surprise. Obviously, Birchbox is popular. But I already have baskets of samples and discarded beauty products. I also looked at “Quarterly Co.” and that sounds fun, but is less frequent and could just be “more junk.” I also looked at “Little Black Bag” which looks fun, but is more expensive and possibly time consuming. What box do you subscribe to? Do you like it? Should I just spend an extra $25 at Sephora/Anthropology/Macy’s each month?

    • Merabella

      I am interested in this as well. While part of me feels like these things could be fun, I also get the sense that I’d just have more crap around the house that I don’t necessarily want.

    • AIMS

      I get Birchbox – and it’s exactly like getting a little care package in the mail each month. For me, it’s $10 very well spent. Sometimes, it’s not stuff I want, but more often than not there’s at least one good sample in there that makes me happy and other times it’s useful stuff I can take with me travelling (small shampoos, powder mouthwash, etc.). I also have tons of samples from dept stores and Sephora, but these are much bigger and usually better. Some are even full size.

      I think the thing I like most about it, beyond the low cost/high fun value, is that about half the stuff that I don’t nec. use a lot still comes in handy at some later point. E.g., I got two full size eye pencils – one dusty plum and one sparkly dark purple – which I would probably never buy but that are very nice quality and are awesome for the 10 times a year where I want to do something different for a night out. And sometimes you find genuinely amazing products you might never try like the shu uemura hair oil or the jouer tinted moisturized and lip stuff.

      Anyway, I guess my point is I really like it. It can be hit or miss, but it’s definitely more hit than miss and it’s totally worth the $10 bucks in my mind.

      • emcsquared

        Yes to the eyeliners! I got one in a bright peacock, and thought, “Gorgeous color, but I’ll never use that.” But this morning I woke up, thought, “I’m having a cr*ppy week and want to wear everything that makes me happy,” and now I’m sitting at work wearing bright blue eyeliner and my favorite cardigan.

        I like Birchbox, but I’m debating whether to re-up. I too have found that there is always at least one thing in the box that I’ll use (often perfume, nail polish, or a hair product) but that I am way too cheap to pay for a full-size of any of the items.

        I was looking at a box that is a gourmet food monthly box. What I would really like is a box that sends me a new craft project every month…

        • NotYourKindOfGirl

          Its not exactly a new craft project very month, but have you considered Phat fiber? It’s basically BirchBox with yarn …small size samples of various indie yarns (mostly from etsy). I just got my first one today…it’s very nice, although I don’t know what I’ll do with all the little yarns.

          • Migraine Sufferer

            I’m using my prize from MIL Bingo! to sign up for this one. :)

    • a.k.

      I love the concept of Birchbox, but my skin is so sensitive that I’m leery of paying for products I might not use. I’m trying to be more thoughtful in my purchases, but if I were going to join a club, I probably would join Julep Maven – 2 nail polishes each month, plus other goodies!

      • Kanye East

        Even if you end up skipping every month (which you can, if you want to) I think Maven is still worth it for the discounts on all Julep products. (I love their mani/pedi products even more than the polishes.)

  16. Lalo

    Thanks so much for all the book recs in this mornings thread. Turns out I have to have surgery tomorrow and will be out for at least 2 weeks. So keep the book titles coming, and any tv show recommendations, if you’ve got any!

    • AIMS

      If you haven’t done it already, watch Downton Abbey on Netflix. It’s fun and not too taxing.
      Feel better and good luck with the surgery!

    • Fiona

      Here are some good TV shows:

      Homeland
      Breaking Bad
      Battlestar Galactica
      Game of Thrones
      Hatfields & McCoys (History channel miniseries)

    • Mrs. Jed Bartlett

      Good Wife. If you haven’t seen it yet, order the discs from Netflix (it doesn’t stream) and watch them in order. You should get through about a disc or two each day (about a season a day).

      If you are having any surgery that would be adversely affected by drooling, watch something else. Because you will drool over Alicia’s wardrobe.

    • CW

      Also check out Sherlock (originally on the BBC, think it is on Netflix too). Loved it.

      • Sydney Bristow

        New episodes start tomorrow! I don’t have cable but I already bought the season pass on iTunes! New Doctor Who + the return of college football + a long weekend = an awesome 3 days!

        • notyourkindofgirl

          How do you watch football without cable? I’d like to start watching it, but I don’t have cable and don’t think it’s worth it to gt it just for football.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I normally go to alumni watch parties at a bar. We have a really strong alumni group in NYC and always get a big area of a bar reserved. It’s awesome to watch with a ton of other fans. I’ll also watch it with my digital antenna if it’s on broadcast tv, which isn’t often since my team is on the other side of the country.

    • K...in transition

      “Without You” by Anthony Rapp is a book worth reading, as is “Raising Abel” by Carolyn Nash.

      As for tv shows; Parenthood, Doogie Howser, and random cheesy teen shows!

    • scientist

      The first 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are free on Amazon for Amazon Prime members.

    • J.

      When I was out for surgery, I watched the whole series of Arrested Development, back to back to back. I had seen it in first runs and liked it, but its full amazingness was not apparent until I watched it on Netflix. Plus, Netflix is sponsoring a 4th season to be released soon.

      Funny, light, but a lot going on (so even if you’ve seen it, you’ll still have much to discover) – perfect for convalescence. Highly recommended if you like Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, Seinfeld, etc.

      If you’re down with Dr. Who, may I also recommend Firefly? Not too many episodes were produced of this one, but it is a gem. It’s a Western, set in space. Available on Netflix streaming.

      I am SO HAPPY to learn that season 2 is streaming via Amazon! I have set the hubby to connecting the computer to the tv in the bedroom.

  17. Merabella

    I bought a bikini top on Asos in the fuller bust category today, I will post when I get it how it works out. On a similar note, the top was $11, I’m psyched to say the least.

  18. JAS1

    If I can just vent for a minute….I have about 3 relatively simple tasks to do before I can leave the office for the weekend. But I am incredibly burned out after a very busy and hectic week with my pedantic, condescending boss breathing down my neck all day. He left a couple hours ago and after I sighed abig sigh of relief, all my energy to do this work evaporated. can anyone commiserate?

    • TBK

      Yes. Yes. My office is totally empty but I’m stuck here another hour. (Yeah, I know, I get out at 5:00 — cry me a river, but I’m still antsy today.) I also took an early lunch for various reasons and it’s made the afternoon so l o n g .

      • JAS1

        ARGGH. I convinced myself to “just finish up the exhibit binder, it’s really not that hard.” And just as I am clipping the last of the documents in, I realize that one of the arguments are presenting really does require an additional exhibit (contrary to my earlier thinking) meaning that to correct this mistake I have to re-number and move all the other exhibits, and also revise and reprint and re-hole-punch and re-copy all the tables of contents.

        F it. I’ll come in late monday night/early tuesday and do it.

    • KLG

      Yep. My boss cancelled all his afternoons appointments and left around 1 pm. But of course, everyone else is still stuck here and per him, not allowed to leave early. He of course managed to not sign my vacation requests and give me a hard time about my incredibly reasonable (and necessary to keep my law license) CLE requests before he left.

    • CKB

      Yep – the rest of the office left around noon except for us poor finance/accounting people. And I’ll be here for a few hours tomorrow, and will have to put a couple hours in on Monday too. Darn month end.

  19. Seattleite

    Update:

    I am having a mastectomy next Thursday, September 6. The second spot in the left breast is indeed cancer, which has made it into the lymphatic channels. We are hoping that it hasn’t gone as far as the lymph nodes, but won’t know until surgery. There are also still a bunch of smaller spots that won’t be determined until post-surgery pathology. At the moment, it is looking likely that I will need 7 weeks of radiation after the 6 months (for sure) of chemo. Because of the radiation, I cannot have reconstructive surgery yet. The plastic surgeon prefers to wait until 12 months after radiation, because of the damage to the skin.

    I may still remove the right breast later, but that spot wasn’t cancer so it isn’t urgent. My surgeon wanted to wait because a bi-lateral mastecomy is very hard on the body and takes longer to heal. They want to get chemo started sooner rather than later.

    Thank you all who have left supportive comments, sent emails and letters, and even care packages. Every single one has made an incredible difference at a very dark and discouraging time. And also many thanks to Kat, who has given us this site and allowed it to become a community of caring and loving women.

    • "Allergies" PSA

      This sounds really difficult. I am so sorry and am thinking of you.

      Possible reframe about having to wait for the reconstruction: you can do a lot of research about what kind of new br@(*%s you want?

    • TBK

      Oh Seattleite, I am so sorry. What difficult news. I’ll be thinking of you. Please keep us posted.

    • L

      :( I am so sorry. If there is anything at all you need, please do not hesitate. Seriously, if you need gift cards because you don’t want to cook, funny magazines, whatever – that is what (internet) friends are for. I wish you the best and am constantly impressed by your strength and grace.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Thank you for sharing. I’ve been thinking of you and am in awe of how strong you are. If someone has your info, I’d like to join the real-life support team as well.

      Also, I don’t know it’s appropriate to say this, and I don’t know if it’s legal up in WA, but a relative of mine who went through chemo said that pot was critical in her getting through it. It helped tremendously with her appetite, her pain, and her stress. I was pretty meh on the whole medical marijuana thing until I saw what she went through.

      • JAS1

        Also want to second this – medical marijuana really helped my mom a lot, partiularly with nausea and appetite. she tried everything else and found tha tfor her nothing else was as helpful.

        • AIMS

          Washington state is one of the progressive states, it’s allowed. You can find some relevant info here: http://www.doh.wa.gov/YouandYourFamily/IllnessandDisease.aspx

          I had a loved one go through something similar, stage 3, and same procedure and this did help tremendously. I am happy to say that she survived and is still surviving. I am so sorry this is happening to you, Seattleite. Good luck with surgery and everything else. We’ll be thinking of you. Please post updates.

      • meara

        Hah…in Seattle, it’s practically on every street corner!

        Also, big hugs and energy and strength to you, Seattleite! I hope it won’t be too bad, recovering, and as someone said above, you can take your time deciding what kind of reconstruction you want, exactly?

        • SF Bay Associate

          On every street corner is different than legal ;). My relative would absolutely never have considered “illegal drugs,” but she was willing to buy her medical marijuana in a licensed clinic.

          • meara

            I happen to live in a neighborhood where there’s practically a clinic for it on every corner, I should say. :)

    • KLG

      I hope surgery goes smoothly and I wish you a speedy recovery from it so you can tolerate chemo/radiation. Best of luck.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m so sorry, Seattelite! You will continue to be in my thoughts! Sending my very best healing vibrations from down south!!

    • just Karen

      I am so sorry you are going through this – fortunately it sounds like you have a good medical team taking aggressive action to take care of you. Do please continue to keep us updated. Your strength is inspiring. How can we get your contact info to send you cards, etc? Is anyone on the site willing to be the gatekeeper of your mailing info for us?

    • cbackson

      I have been thinking of you and hoping that all was well. I know that this is just crappy all around, but I hope that it goes as smoothly as it possibly can.

    • TCFKAG

      Oh no Seattelite, I’ll be sending good ju-ju into every part of the universe I can think of.

    • girl in the stix

      So sorry you have to go through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Seattleite

      Thank you all. I can be reached at seattleite.training@gmail.com.

      And this may be presumptuous, but if anyone else asks and I’m not around, feel free to re-post the email. You guise are great at sharing the love, and I will unashamedly lap it up for a bit.

    • anon

      Seattleite, best wishes and big (gentle) hugs from another anonymous stranger on the internet who is pulling HARD for you.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the absolute best. Hang in there. *Conjuring up images of the famous kitty poster.*

    • ss

      Thank you for the update and do please continue to lap unashamedly. You are being incredibly brave and are regularly in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Jo March

      So sorry, Seattleite. Sending lots of good war fuzzy healing thoughts your way, plus serious InternetHugs.

    • SunnyD

      Just Karen asked if anyone would be the gatekeeper for updates and making sure Seattleite gets mail during her treatment. I have self-nominated myself for this position and Seattleite approved my nomination. If you’d like to get in the rotation to send cards or packages to her and will want continuing updates, please email me. I am traveling during the next two weeks and while I will b e checking email, please cut me a little slack for delayed responses.

      SunnyD6206@aol.com.

      Hope everyone enjoys the long weekend.

    • a.

      I’m so sorry to hear this, Seattlelite. You are an incredibly strong and inspiring woman, and are in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Susan

      *hugs*

      I’ll be thinking of you. Let us know if you want us to arrange meals and other stuff for you.

      I’ll be wishing you good luck, and a good recovery.

    • Amy H.

      Seattleite, sending lots of love your way, and all of my best wishes and positive thoughts for a successful surgery and ongoing treatment.

  20. e_pontellier

    I posted a few days ago, but wanted to post again and say thanks so much to everyone who replied last weekend, to my problem (DH giving me the silent treatment for 12-36 hours). I recently stood up for myself and it worked out extremely well. Looks like DH and I are on the right track to get this silent treatment kicked out! Thank you thank you for all your support.

  21. NOLA

    Woohoo! My power came on about 20 minutes ago! Got the fridge cleaned out and everything is charging. Next is changing the nasty bed and laundry and a shower and getting to dry my hair! Unfortunately I can’t start my laptop because 2 of the number keys aren’t working and one of those numbers is in my password. I’m thinking it’s just the humidity. At least I hope that’s all it is!

    • L

      Yay!!! You can always try popping off the keys and then popping them back on.

      In the event that they are really broken and your jonesing for your laptop (or need it) you can use alt codes to get numbers….

      0 48
      1 49
      2 50
      3 51
      4 52
      5 53
      6 54
      7 55
      8 56
      9 57

      • NOLA

        Humidity has messed it up I think. Managed to log on through other means but it’s not right.

    • NOLA

      Went to Whole Foods last night and I almost felt bad. I think I was the only person there who had power back on. We got so lucky! I was sitting on the couch and heard a truck. It was an out of state (I think Alabama) power truck. 10 minutes later we had power. I have a friend and her family staying with me now. They live out in the burbs where things are a bit worse (downed power lines and uprooted trees). They were exhausted but we had fun last night. My laptop keyboard is not well. I’m using a combination of onscreen keyboard and the actual keyboard. Ordered a new one this morning and I’m going to see if I can buy a USB keyboard today.

      • In The Pink

        Congrats NOLA> You got so much done so quickly!!!! You are AMAZING, girl!!!!

        • NOLA

          I hope you’re joking! I feel like a mess. Apparently my bedroom must have been incredibly humid because my cat’s dry food was moldy. My friend and I are both dragging around exhausted despite a good night’s sleep.

      • architu

        Congrats on your power! Crank that A/C. We’re still housing a friend without power. Come oooon Entergy.

        • NOLA

          My friend and her family went home after church to feed their cats and get clothes and they found out that their electricity had come back on! We had fun but they’re so relieved. Some of their friends have power but no AC so there will be a house party at their house tonight. I heard that a lot from people who live around Napoleon and St. Charles. My friends who live below Magazine still don’t have power and they are freaking out. I invited them here but they have to figure out what to do with their four dogs. Such a mess. Went out to Metairie this afternoon. Traffic lights are hit or miss out there. I was able to buy a USB keyboard at Target. I went to the gym yesterday and they only had AC in half of the building. Yikes!

          • architu

            I had no idea the power outages would be so bad! My friend got power back this afternoon, I know she was sick of sleeping on my futon. I ventured out to Metairie yesterday and was amazed at the fast food lines. A sure sign that people were still without power. I’m down by Napoleon and St. Charles but we were lucky enough to get our A/C back when our power came back (which we were also lucky to get back early). It seems so random. Hoping everything is somewhat normal for the school and work week.

          • NOLA

            I know what you mean about the fast food! I couldn’t figure out, at one point, what was holding up traffic on Vets and it was Cane’s.

            Another lesson learned from this mess. Couldn’t figure out why my eyes were red and puffy.Turns out my eye makeup had grown bacteria while the power was out. I threw away my eye liner and mascara and replaced them today and magically my eyes are fine.

  22. Blonde lawyer

    Quick Check in from my layover. LGA rocks. Hundreds of free iPads to use with other electronic charging next to your station. You can order food and booze delivered. It comes in minutes to your iPad station at the gate. You enter your flight number and you get updates like when to board or if there is a gate change. I was able to get a special gluten free lactose free meal delivered to me. So impressed. It is in the delta d terminal.

  23. Generic Birth Control Pills

    I feel that some generic versions of Yaz birth control pills make me depressed and gain weight, and that one version, Gianvi, does not. I have not tried actual Yaz. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? When I am on certain other types, including Loryna and Vestura, I find myself mumbling, “I hate myself,” and just generally feeling depressed. I gain a little weight too, and this might be because the depression makes me less motivated to work out. I’m just wondering if this is normal or if it could be all in my head….

    • NOLA

      I feel the same way. I was doing pretty well on Gianvi then had to switch to Loryna after Express Scripts stopped working with Walgreen’s. I’ve been using samples of Beyaz the past two months and I feel better. Kept wondering if it was all in my head!

    • SF Bay Associate

      Yes, me. BCPs have well-documented connections to depression, weight gain, etc. Look it up on PubMed or Mayo Health Clinic. I remember one generic I got put on when I changed insurance that literally made me crazy. As of a few months ago, I’m totally off them now. It’s bizarre how different I feel after being on them constantly for 12 years. I got all ranty thinking about how I spend extra money on organic, hormone-free meat and dairy, but I’m taking a pill that puts hormones in my body every day. So I decided to see what it was like to be off them.

      Note also that Yaz has been in the news recently for very serious side effects. Check with your doctor to make sure it’s still appropriate for you.

      • e_pontellier

        SF Bay Associate, how has being off BCPs changed you? I am concerned about adding hormones to my body too.

        • SF Bay Associate

          It’s so… different… in a good way. I sound like a hippie saying this, but I really “feel” my body now. It takes 6-8 months for your body to fully detox, so change has been gradual. I can tell when I’m ovulating because my b**bs are extremely tender. I can tell when my period is coming. I’ve lost a little weight without trying. I have a bit more interest in ladygarden parties. On the downside, I have more mood swings (hello, PMS), my perfectly clear skin is no longer perfect (was that ever a surprise… hormonal chin blemishes), and I actually have cramps now. I’d been on the pill since I was 18, and I “bloomed” late, so I really don’t remember what I felt like before I went on BCP. I’m not saying BCP are right or wrong, just wanted to try being off of them for myself, just to see how it is.

          • e_pontellier

            Super interesting. Thanks for reporting back, from the “other side” of the BCP! It sounds like a change I should consider post-law school.

          • Anonymous

            I also went off HBC (Depo, then some type of pill for awhile, then NuvaRing for several years) and felt like an entirely different person. I’ve been off for over a year and a half now, and I’d say the major downsides for me are cramps and the fact that I can’t schedule my period to skip vacations and such. When I first stopped HBC, I “normalized” almost immediately but then, about six months in, had a couple of really wacky months — one cycle over 50 days with another longish cycle following. Overall, though, I find I have fewer headaches, I actually feel less PMS-y (not bloated, weepy, or angry as I would usually get on the ring) and somewhat more libido. My husband really noticed the difference in my moods, too. I’m really glad that HBC was available during my younger years, but I’m super glad to be off now. If/when I go back on, I will probably go for the hormone-free IUD because the thought of being on hormones again kind of scares me.

          • N.

            I felt much the same way after going off birth control (for similar reasons — I switched to one that made me feel really crazy at one point and decided to just stop for a while), but my experience was that the difference was much less extreme a year or two out. No more sore b**bs when ovulating (and it *was* really weird at first to be able to tell based on my b**bs), no more breakouts or moodiness, the weight that I lost initially has come back. I wonder if the first year or so off of BCP was just a reaction in the other direction from years and years of being on hormonal birth control? The only thing that is still consistently different for me is that my body odor, weirdly, is different off the pill than on.

          • ML

            Just wanted to chime in- i’ve been off for 1.5 years now and i definitely feel the difference. I just wish I had done it sooner, especially since it took at least 6 months for me to ‘detox.’ Like SF Bay, I have cramps, tender b**bs, mood swings and for the first few months, some hormonal acne. On the plus side, my libido has gone way, way up. I was on the pill for 8 years and forgot what it was like to have a normal libido. I also think my mood improved. I definitely recommend trying it.

            I’m curious though- for those of you went off it, what non-hormonal bc are you using? I know we’ve talked about this a bunch on this site, but it’s a constant process of trial and error for me. I’ve used the diaphragm, condoms, and VCF thus far and am contemplating the “rhythm” method…would be curious to hear anyone else’s experiences.

    • karenpadi

      My pharmacy changed my generic to another generic. I have noticed small changes but nothing drastic enough to complain about. It’s probably not all in your head. Hormones are funny things. I say this as a huge fan of my daily estrogen vitamin–I got on the pill ten years ago and honestly feel better and more like “myself” on the pill than I ever did without it.

      • a.k.

        When this happened to me, I felt major changes. Much more hormonal – mood swings, weight gain, etc. My solution is that my doc writes the Rx for the specific generic I like and marks it dispense as written. I still have to double-check when I pick it up, but most of the time they get it right.

    • Belle et Rebelle

      Not all in your head. My doc switched me to one of those BCPs that’s supposed to make your period shorter when I was having issues with cysts and it made me super emotional. I had some other health stuff going on at the time that might have been a factor, but she put me back on my old pill and I felt much more normal right away. Would not surprise me at all if one generic of the same pill affected you differently than another.

    • Alta_Litgirl

      I’ve been taking Yaz for about 4 years now, and while I’ve found it more difficult to lose weight, I haven’t experienced any negative side-effects. I’m not familiar with any of the generic versions though.

    • Jenna Rink

      Oh my goodness, Gianvi was the worst three months of my life. I could not tolerate it. I had to take days off work around my period because I was so angry and sad and upset. I couldn’t make it through a conversation without wanting to either scream at the person I was talking to or cry. I also had the most terrible periods I have ever had. I switched to real Yaz and although I miss the extra $30 a month I am able to be a rational person on it and that is totally worth it.

      Does anyone know if name brand birth control will be available without a copay under the new healthcare? I’m not sure if that applies to generics only.

      • e_pontellier

        I think all birth control is supposed to be more “accessible” – so copays should be lower, but I don’t think there’s any guarantee that it’ll be free. FWIW, my BCP (not Yaz) went down to $5/month starting August 1.

        • JessC

          I’ve been wondering about this. The cost of mine didn’t go down at all the last time I picked it up which was not quite a month ago.

        • anonanon

          My birth control was definitely free when I picked it up a few weeks ago (for 3 packs, too!). But I switched to Tri Sprintec (Ortho tricyclen generic) three cycles ago after being on Yasmin/the generic Ocella for a few years and I’ve been spotting during the third week of pills and it’s driving me nuts.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I take generic ortho tri. One makes me sick and one doesn’t. Not all generics are true equals.

  24. Monday

    Happy Labor Day weekend! I have a question for those of you who enjoy makeup and wear it daily.

    How much do you vary your makeup colors by season? Are there any colors you think look really weird at certain times of year? (For example, is coral lipstick insane in cold months?) I don’t want to have two full makeup collections, but I feel like things could be drifting that way. Maybe it’s less a matter of what looks good, and more a matter of what you feel like wearing? If the latter, do you resist it in the name of your budget?

    • Nonny

      I just discovered coral lipstick this summer and wow, if it is wrong for winter, I don’t want to be right. I am in love.

    • Honey Pillows

      It’s definitely what I feel like. I tend to go towards the corals in summer, and wines in winter. It’s easier to do summer colors in winter, I feel, so coral or red are appropriate pretty much year round, particularly if they’re saturated. I’m the kind of person who has three neutralish, non-offensive pink, red, and almost nude peachy lipsticks, and then I buy one as my main color when the season starts up and I’ve got the urge to buy makeup. Then I’ll pretty much use that until it’s gone, which usually happens to be the start of a new season! Highly convenient.

    • mamabear

      I wear a lot more black in the winter so I usually end up wearing a bit more makeup without really thinking about it. More eyeliner and a somewhat darker lip, though I don’t go super wine-dark – it’s not right on me, though I like it on others.

    • a.

      I do, a bit. I started wearing coral lipstick this summer, but anticipate going back to true red in the winter (although I really love my coral, so we’ll see). I definitely do wear more eye makeup, though! In the summer all I do is mascara and maybe light liner; in the winter I’m a lot more likely to grab shadow as well. I’m not a makeup junkie (I have one blush, one pressed powder, one eyeliner, one mascara, one shadow palette, the two aforementioned lipsticks, and that’s um, it), so there’s not much to resist, budget-wise…

  25. Hairbrush?

    Can anyone recommend a good hairbrush? I know the Mason Pearson ones are meant to be great, but I am hesitant to spend so much $$ on a hairbrush. Any cheaper alternatives you guys like? If it matters, I have fine, straight and kind of limp hair.

    Thanks!

    • Pip

      I have a very plain-looking boar bristle brush that I´m very happy with. I think it cost about 20 €. Boar bristle is a definite step up from nylon. It seems like it distributes the scalp oils better through my (long, fine, curly, kind of frizzy) hair. My hair can start out looking greasy and end up looking glossy after some brushing. Magic!

      You can probably find a reasonably priced boar bristle brush on Amazon.

    • Emme

      I used the Sonia Kashuk version of the Mason Pearson brush for awhile and liked it, but the SK one wore out after 8 months(?), I think. I splurged on the MP and it’s been going great for more than a year and it seems like it’ll last a lot longer. I finally splurged after deciding, “I use this at least twice a day. I can splurge.”

      • Dead Quote Olympics

        My husband got me an MP brush for Christmas right after we were married — 23 years ago. The only thing that has changed is the gold MP lettering has worn off. Otherwise, I can’t tell at all it’s an old brush. I wash it fairly frequently, and throw it in the bottom of my purse (not always a particularly salubrious environment). I have fine wavy hair and a lot of it– it always makes my hair glossy and full when I use it. OP, I’ve heard that Sally’s beauty supply carries $10 versions, or the SK that Emme mentioned – maybe try a cheap one to see how your hair likes it, and then splurge on the MP if you like the effects?

    • Basics

      For drying your hair straight: Spornette ceramic round brush 2 1/2 inches in diameter. They are blue. Available from folica DOT com for about ten dollars. Best ever.

  26. a.k.

    GAH. 360-narrative feedback for my boss’s performance review. I like my boss and we work well together… it’s just that… I probably should not have procrastinated this particular task.

  27. SoAnonForThis

    I’m actually really embarrassed to be asking this question, but here goes…

    I’m in my late 20’s. I haven’t dated anyone since college, when I had a 3+ year relationship that was awful (think Lifetime movie-of-the-week awful). Since then, I’ve had absolutely no interest in a relationship – I just couldn’t see a situation where the benefits would outweigh the costs. I had always sort of assumed that when my life settled down a bit, I might start looking for someone, but that that was a long way off. I’ve seen my girl friends date people and, by and large, the only reason they were happier in the relationship is because of the fact they are in a relationship. The person they are with has not made them happier, but the fact that they are with someone has – which is great for them, but not something I’m interested in personally. By and large, I’ve skipped the whole dating thing for the better part of a decade, and I haven’t missed it at all.

    Flash-forward to now, and I’m doing incredibly, incredibly well professionally, and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s recently occurred to me, from other aspects of my life, that “waiting for things to settle down” before I start something means that I will never start it at all, because things will never settle down (but in a good way, if that makes sense). I’ve also moved and started hanging out with new people, who have significant others that seem like supportive, enriching partners, which seems nice. I would like to, if not actually start dating, get to a place in my life where I can date someone.

    However, and this is the embarrassing part, I have absolutely no idea how to do any of this. None. I’ve gathered from talking with my friends that I somehow come across as “not interested” (which is fair enough, because until recently, I haven’t been). I’m not used to looking at people I meet as potential romantic partners, or evaluating whether they are suitable for a relationship, or flirting, or anything like that. I’ve tried to find books to read on the subject, but they are all either geared towards men, or require fairly involved game-playing that I am not sure I can realistically pull-off (i.e.; The Rules). For what it is worth, I don’t really have trouble relating to people in other aspects of my life; I generally come across as uber-competent, but very, very sweet.

    What do I do? Are there other books I should be reading? Should I join a dating website? Hang out at bars more? See a therapist? Join a gym? I’m not necessarily looking to find a permanent relationship; but I’d like to at least get to the point where maybe I could date someone and see what happens.

    • KK

      Often when people ask about getting back into the dating scene after a long hiatus (for whatever reason), the recommendation is to try online dating to at least get back into that mindset and force yourself to meet people. That is certainly an option- might be interesting to at least try it and see how you feel. But you don’t seem to be in any particular hurry or even certain you want to date, so maybe a good place to start is to make an effort to consider other people as romantic partners. Think about what you want in a partner and who you find attractive. You don’t need to “hang out in bars” per se, but think about activities that put you around other single people and just switch your radar on. Something might naturally develop from that, but hopefully at a minimum you’ll have a better sense of what you want. And that’s not too intimidating of a place to start, right?

    • karenpadi

      I am a lot like you but 32–relationship in college and a a few serious relationships spaced 2-3 years apart after college.

      First, congrats! You have achieved what I call “singlehood-enlightenment”. Basically, the understanding that not all romantic relationships are worth the time and effort. You’ve escaped the traps of serial monogamy and co-dependence.

      How to start dating? Easy enough. Decide you want to date. If you have serious issues, like dating-induced anxiety attacks or an irrational fear of men, see a therapist. But it’s not necessary–a little baggage can be a good thing. Joining a gym can be a good thing, I’ve met a few dates there. But only join a gym if you want to workout at the gym.

      The truth is that everyone dates differently and you are going to have to define your own dating style. If you aren’t a bar-person, going to bars more won’t help. If meeting strangers for coffee terrifies you, don’t do online dating. If cooking classes kind of bore you, don’t do cooking classes. If church isn’t your thing, don’t join a church.

      On the other hand, if you love to, say, do triathlons–start smiling at the cute (muscular) tri-boys and start a conversation on, say, the best tri-shoes and laugh at their stupid jokes.

      I think most of us take a multi-pronged approach. I started volunteering with an organization I believe in, I joined a gym, I told all my friends I wanted to meet guys, I joined 4 dating sites. I cast a wide net but I don’t emotionally invest in any one of those. Other people might cast a more narrow net (e.g., church-specific things). The idea is to make yourself visible to guys.

      Once visible, define how you will interact with guys. Are you going to set up an online date every night of the week? Only meet with “one guy at a time” (this is easier said than done)?

      re: games and “rules”, forget that stuff. It’s a stupid crutch, it’s immature, it’s awful. Know enough about it to recognize a “neg” or other stupid technique but that’s all. Everyone is vulnerable when dating so treat people with tact, dignity, and according to the Golden Rule.

      Last thing, join our dating group on FB–Dipping Toes Into The Dating Pool. We b*tch and moan about guys there to avoid annoying all the women here who don’t like our dating-life-navel-gazing.

      • karenpadi

        oops, I wrote this assuming that the OP is attracted to men. Sorry. Please replace “guys” and “boys” with “people”. :-/

      • Sydney Bristow

        I second all of this. I went through something very similar to you and was single through most of college until this past January (I’m 29) and I just decided that I wanted to start dating so I told all my friends and put up an OK Cupid profile. On the advice of others here, I started accepting dates from anyone who seemed normal and met some basic criteria. It worked out well for me!

      • Honey Pillows

        karenpadi’s right on -the only thing I would add would be to treat yourself a bit to things that make you feel beautiful, and confident, and spend a few extra minutes being really really happy with the way you look before you step out the door. That might mean some new clothes, a new haircut, a massage, a workout plan, whatever. But the main thing is to feel amazing about yourself, and smile at people who look interesting and attractive. The people you’re trying to attract honestly won’t notice the extra few minutes in front of the mirror, but YOU will -and that’s the important bit.

        Checking yourself out in the mirror and thinking “daayyyum, girl, you look gooood” does wonders for projecting the confidence that attracts potential dates. When people look at you, you’ll know they’re liking what they’re seeing, and you’ll smile and maybe preen a bit because you’ve got your fancy pants on, and yeah, thanks for noticing! And having an open, friendly, confident demeanor is all kinds of attractive.

    • Yay 4 the long weekend

      I’m sure the other ladies will have tons of advice for you but my initial thought is that just opening yourself up to the possibility will change your vibe and people will likely stop reading you as “I’m not interested”. Also, if you are overwhelmed by the process of all of a sudden ‘having’ to find someone to date, just stick with baby steps… start identifying guys around you that seem interesting or attractive to you and acknowledge their presence. See how it feels to smile at a cute guy in the grocery store and have him smile back, or have someone come up to you and chat with you because you made eye contact with them from across the room… get comfortable with the fact that you are putting yourself out there.

      When you are ready to actually put your hook in the water and start fishing, start doing things outside your home that interest you. Say yes to party or gathering invites, get together with some of your single friends on a regular basis and go out together, join a dating website, etc. Importantly, identify what type of guy you are looking for (either just to date or longer term) and then participate in activities accordingly. Looking for a fit guy who cares about health? Join a small gym where you can build some new friendships and if there isn’t a guy there for you, your new friends may know someone. Looking for a “religious” guy? Get more involved in your particular establishment. Looking for a guy who loves going out and having a good time? Drag some friends to some fun bars/clubs around that are of interest to you (dive, yuppie, club, etc.). Looking for a guy who doesn’t care much about going out but who loves to read good books? Go to a bookstore and read in their cafe every once in a while. Looking for x y z? Check out online dating and check out some profiles.

      Have fun!

      • Yay 4 the long weekend

        Karenpadi, you are right… there was no reference to gender in OP’s post. I assumed OP was looking for a guy but that could be completely wrong. In any event, the same strategy applies.

    • SoAnonForThis

      Thank you all do much for the advice! I really appreciate the help. The idea of baby steps actually never occurred to me – it seems much less intimidating than just throwing myself head-first into this (which is what I typically do with everything).

      • AnonFourThis

        Baby steps do help a lot.

        I hit a similar stage to you a couple of years ago, and one thing that really helped me was to go on a few internet dates as ‘practice dates’ – i.e. I had absolutely zero expectation beyond a pleasant chat (or possibly an amusing story to tell afterwards), and while I was meeting guys who seemed pleasant enough, there was no stress attached to it because I had no emotional investment in any particular outcome.

        It was also helpful in learning how to politely turn someone down rather than leave them hanging with no response, which is a handy skill to have. Of course, there’s always the possibility you’ll get on really well, in which case go ahead and see him (or her) again!

        This approach helped me be more open to dating/relationship possibilities in my everyday life, and more comfortable with the idea of actually going on a date.

        As others have suggested I also started a new activity I enjoyed, where I got to meet new people of both sexes. As it happens I did meet someone I dated through this activity, and someone else who asked me on a date but I turned down (made much less awkward by my ‘practice dating’ experiences!). But even if I hadn’t, I really enjoy this activity and have made some lovely friends through it.

        Good luck, and enjoy yourself!

      • anonforthis

        I posted about something very similar a few months ago (except I’m in my early 30s, but everything else was the same — I love my life, never really put a lot of effort into finding a guy but sort of assumed it would happen on its own, and then when it didn’t, I wanted to put forth some effort but didn’t know where to start) — can’t find the thread, but there was some wonderful supportive advice in response.

        Anyway, since then, I have signed up for an online dating site and also met a couple guys in real life (nothing serious, but it’s nice to have dates to look forward to and feel possibility in the air). I think the two are connected. Something about the act of signing up for the site made me more open to looking in my everyday life, too. I realized that I was missing opportunities and unknowingly sending out “not interested/available” signals to nice guys in my orbit.

        The key to starting is just to start. Sounds so obvious, but it’s true — I got to a point where agonizing about not dating and worrying about not dating was worse than just sucking it up and committing to getting back out there. For me, that meant committing to being fairly active on a dating site and trying to subtly restructure my personal life to create more opportunities to meet guys. I realized that I was spending a lot of time having dinner with one girlfriend at her apartment or getting drinks with the girls on the weekends instead of trying new activities that opened up my world, going to parties I wouldn’t normally have attended because I didn’t know the host that well, etc. Now I still catch up with the girls, but I try to balance that out with other activities. If a few weeks go by and I haven’t been in a situation where I could meet new people (note that I don’t pressure myself to actually meet them every time I go out, but just to put myself in places/situations where it could happen), I change things up. I realized that my life is in my control, so it’s up to me to create as many possibilities as I can.

        Phew, this got really long. I hope it helps. Best of luck to you!

  28. Kelsey

    First of all, thanks so much for the responses I got last night, you guys have definitely pointed me in the right direction and given me a lot to think about. I’m just going to repost again in case more are reading this thread. If not, thanks again for the help!

    I’m a long-time reader of this site. I’m not sure if anyone is still reading this, or if I would be better off posting tomorrow. I’m from overseas and am doing some research on spousal support/alimony in unmarried couples living together in the US. I understand these laws vary by state and was wondering if there was a good source someone could direct me to for a state by state comparison. I find the American laws quite overwhelming!

    • Migraine Sufferer

      I think the ABA publishes a chart in the “Family Law Quarterly”

  29. anon

    I posted yesterday about discovering my boss was committing fraud. Your advice confirmed my feeling that I needed to do something now, and I talked to my boss about it one last time. He got in my face and yelled at me and threatened to turn me in for working more hours than I’m supposed to (I’m in a non-exempt position and periodically work more than 40 hours a week. Earning time and a half comp time isn’t allowed in our organization but I love my job and the work is time sensitive, and I do admittedly fudge the numbers there occasionally). I thought about it for a few hours and finally told our supervisors. They talked with him at the end of the day and I’m not sure what is going to happen. I’m hoping they take this seriously. I have a hard time imagining staying if this issue isn’t dealt with seriously, but I also love my job and I’m not going to let him push me out. I’m now feeling freaked out about what will happen within the organization (and especially upset that my normally level headed and nice guy boss got in my face and threatened me) but I’m glad that I did what was right. Thank you all for the advice!

    • What a fool

      He’s going to turn you in for working too much? ooooohhh. I realize that fudging your numbers and working more than you are supposed to when you are non-exempt is serious and at some companies, can be cause for termination but come on. “well, i know that I am committing fraud but SHE works too much”. By the way, if you alerted the company of his fraudulent activities and then they fire you that just smells and tastes like retaliation against a whistleblower so they will have more problems than just having an employee commit fraud.

      I hope this fool is dealt with appropriately.

    • ss

      Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. The fact that your supervisors started to speak to your boss immediately bodes well for their taking this very seriously. But in any case, it’s out of your hands for the next few days, so find something good to distract yourself with and enjoy your long weekend.

    • BlueToo

      It sounds like you went with what you felt was right, despite difficult circumstances: congratulations. It’s a hard position to be in and I hope the outcome is positive for you.

  30. Miriam

    I recently started working full time only 3 weeks after taking the bar! I’m exhausted, but thrilled! The office is small, laid back, and business casual. My basic uniform has been black pants, a cami, a cardigan, and black flats. I’m already sick of wearing the same thing everyday, but I want to look professional without overdoing it in this type of environment. Considering the labor day sales, I would like to make some new purchases. Any suggestions on what I could buy? Either specific or general suggestions would be great!

    • karenpadi

      Try mixing it up with gray or navy slacks and blouses or other tops. Red shoes and purple shoes bring happiness in a biz cas office.

    • CKB

      What about some fun pencil skirts or knit dresses? I work in a business casual office, and wear a cardi almost every day, but I mix it up with dresses, skirts, fun tops, etc. I have several colors of cardis as well.

    • Former MidLevel

      Second all the great suggestions above. And congrats on the job! A few additional thoughts – if you don’t feel like jumping straight into bright shoes, I find that dark green is surprisingly easy to integrate into outfits. And on the “fun tops” front, I’d specifically recommend print blouses–colors, black & white, whatever you want.

    • Miriam

      Thanks! I will have to see what I can come up with. I’ll try to mix it up with colors, but it’s generally difficult for me to find clothing that fits me and is within my budget. I just bought 3 pairs of pants and 2 skirts from BR. One of the skirts is a ruby color that might be fun to wear! I’m very good at putting together cute outfits for the weekend, but work is not so easy!

  31. JessC

    Ladies – any recommendations for a presents for a newly engaged friend?
    One of my best and dearest friends just got engaged and I’m super happy for her and her guy (a friend of mine from law school that I introduced her to!). I want to put together a little gift basket for her. So far, I was thinking a great hand cream and nail polish, wedding magazines and/or a wedding planning book. Any recommendations for a good wedding planning book? Any other ideas for what would be a good addition to the basket?

    • SF Bay Associate

      A Practical Wedding by Meg Keene. The sole voice of sanity that brings a wedding back to love, family (however you define it), and commitment. The one voice that says you that you don’t have to have All The Things for your wedding to Count, that it’s ok to not want All The Things, and that if you do want Some (or All) of The Things, that’s ok too. The one that recognizes we are not all the same, so we are not going to want all the same things. That families are complicated. That relationships are complicated. That it’s ok, even normal, if they are, that your wedding will be no less beautiful with those elements included.

      After feeling incredibly inadequate from The Knot and the wedding magazines and all these other media that demand you to buy, buy, buy or your wedding doesn’t count, and the DIY evangelists who say if you buy anything, then your wedding is commercialized and fake, and both in agreement that the time to start losing weight and getting body polishes was weeks ago, I was incredibly grateful to find that blog.

    • Eva Reddi

      Your ideas for her are good ones, but you’ve neglected to include anything in your gift basket for him –after all, you were the one who introduced her to him!! I suggest you include some manly items in there for him, such as shaving cream, deoderant and some strong soap that I am sure your dear friend will also come to appreciate a lot after the wedding is over and she is cohabiting with him 24/7. Congratulations to you for bringing them together, and these gifts will hopefully serve to keep them together.

    • Why couldn't we elope?

      Someone recommended The Bride’s Book of Lists to me on here last weekend. I ordered it and it’s fantastic! I’m also not the biggest fan of A Practical Wedding, so do check out the blog before giving the book to your friend to get a read on the tone and whether it is something your friend will appreciate.

      • Anonymous

        Agree re: APW. I enjoyed reading it for a bit, but the blog has turned into a Meg Keene self congratulation fest where she reacts defensively to any disagreement with her holier-than-thou opinions.

        I’m thinking of one particular post on the pros and cons of eloping. She proceeded to list tons of ideas why eloping is bad, because marriage is about community or some such (last I checked it was an agreement between two individuals), and approximately zero reasons why eloping is good.

        She also pulled a major “You don’t know my lyfe!!” tantrum when she didn’t receive much sympathy after claiming to have lived a rough life filled with adversity and hardship. Several posters pointed out that her background was indeed relatively privileged, based on information from previous posts. She continued to insist that they should feel sorry for her. Blech. That one turned me off for good.

        So yes, definitely check out the blog first to see if your friend would tolerate Keene’s tone.

        • SF Bay Associate

          Yikes, I haven’t looked at the blog since I got married last year. I’m sad to hear it’s gone so downhill. I still like the book though.

  32. Catherine

    Hi Corporettes! This may be a bit late I the thread but… I was wondering if any of you had experience with pet-owning and big law. I have finally come to the realization that there will NEVER be a good time for me to get a dog. And I really want one. I grew up with two at all times.

    I have a month odd before starting my job and I’m not sure when else such an opportunity will arise. I would do doggy day care one to two times a week and hire a dog walker the other days. And my idea is to adopt an older dog.

    Am I crazy? Should I suck if up and get a cat?!

    • AnonInfinity

      If you don’t get many responses, I think someone asked this a few months ago and got a lot of great responses. I’m not saying that to put you off, but so you’ll know that you might be able to find it with a bit of googling.

      As for your real question — I am not in biglaw, but my perception of the hours is that you will not have much time at all. I’m sure it can be done, but you should probably wait until you’re settled into your routine and then really honestly assess whether you have time to give the necessary attention to a dog. If you do feel you have the time, I second your idea about getting an adult dog. I have 3 dogs — one I adopted as a puppy and the other two were adults. The adult dogs came potty and crate trained and were miles easier than the puppy. I can’t imagine ever getting another puppy, even though they are cute.

    • DC Jenny

      I have been working biglaw-type hours lately, and honestly, if I didn’t have a SO, I would feel like a neglectful pet-owner right now. My dog is the lowest-energy dog in the entire world. Seriously, he hates going for walks and sleeps like 22 hours a day. But he’s still a social animal and prefers to have his people home with him. If he were left alone for 12 hours a day, he would be fine physically (he gets a walk in the middle of the day), but he just wouldn’t be as happy. Also, you should keep in mind that having a dog waiting at home will really limit your ability to work late or go out after work, if that’s important you. As much as I love dogs, I would not have gotten one if I had to be responsible for him all on my own. I hate the cliche, but I probably would have gotten a cat instead.

    • (former) Clueless Summer

      I have a dog and I work in biglaw. I absolutely COULD NOT do it if my SO did not have a 9-5, gets to work from home one day a week, could leave work easily and without issue anytime if there was an emergency, type of job. I know you really want one, I know the feeling but if you also like cats…they seem the ideal pet for this situation, really.

    • karenpadi

      sorry, but you are going to have to suck it up and get a cat.

      I know 2 “biglaw dogs”. One is “shared” between two lawyers at the firm who sneak the dog into work (one is a rainmaker so gets away with everything). The other was adopted just after the senior associate was given the “you’re not making partner so move on” year-end review. Then was told by the partner who did his review that “he shouldn’t have done that.”

      I am not big law anymore but I had a cat while in biglaw. They are great pets.

    • anon

      I guess I am going to be more positive than others. I have a dog and am clerking. I will be going into biglaw next year and am not particularly worried about it. I got my dog as an adult (around 1) several years ago in law school and slowly got her used to me being gone longer hours during the week. She is a really happy dog, in part because I make every effort to spend time with her when I can. I work about 11 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. But when I’m not working, I spend most of my time with her. I rarely go out without her on the weekends and make sure to spend time walking with her and cuddling her when I am home.

      When I go to biglaw next year, I’m planning on moving in with a friend who is willing to help with the dog. My firm is pretty happy to have people in the office for 10 hours a day and then work from home in the evenings. But I know that fire drills come up and I wanted to make sure that I had someone who could be my “backup” on getting home to the dog if I couldn’t make it. I think living alone and having a dog is really unsustainable if you’re going to be gone much more than 12 hours per day or if you travel a lot. But if you can work from home in the evenings and limit your travel, or get a dog-friendly roommate, you can do it.

      Having my dog is the joy of my life.

    • Catherine

      Thanks all for the honest responses. I may go the cat route after all. But it’s such a long-term commitment that I don’t want to get one just because it’s the best I can handle right now, if that makes sense. I had a cat growing up that I loved, I’m just more of a dog person. But something to cuddle would really be wonderful! Y’all gave me lots to think about!

      • Anonymous

        You might think about getting a pair of cats. They are also social creatures, despite appearances, and if you only have one and are not home much, it might get lonely. We have an “only cat” and he gets really upset when we’re not home for too long. I work a 9-5 schedule and he still gives me a piece of his mind when I come home, then covers me in insane kitty-cuddles. I wish we’d gotten him a friend when he was younger, but I’m not sure how he would react now. I would feel awful if I was working biglaw hours (and didn’t have a hubby/live-in SO/roommate who likes cars) because I know he would be miserable. Some cats are less needy, but it’s really hard to tell until you’ve been living with the kitty for awhile.

        • Bonnie

          This. Getting a pair of cats will make them happier during the day. Most shelters will match cats. A pair of cats is also less likely to take their boredom out on your furniture. We really wanted a dog but realized that we’re just not home enough. We do love our cats and look forward to them meeting us at the door each night.

          • sadie

            Plus, watching two kittens play is SURE to improve your mood after a crappy day at work.
            It’s true that cats often don’t pay attention to you when you want them to, but by the same token they aren’t nearly as needy as dogs.
            2 kitties, gotten together at the same time, will be very happy all day without you there.

  33. Banana PSA

    I ordered a bunch of things from the Banana Republic sale, and apparently they no longer have a central warehouse, but ship from all over the country. So now they put the lump sum on your credit card on a “hold” and then charge you for each item as it is shipped. On my credit card online it looks like I got charged the whole lump sum and then charged again for each item that’s shipped. When I called they said the lump sum stays on there until everything has shipped, and then just disappears. wtf, this is the shadiest thing ever. Is this the new normal for online shopping? I ordered ten items and now I have to keep track of all of them arriving individually AND make sure I don’t get double charged for my order? Makes me much less likely to shop at BR online again. End rant.

    • BR drone

      I work part-time at a BR. Some things do ship from the warehouse, but other things come from stores (Brick and Clicks). I don’t know why, but that’s just how it goes. I think that it can help you get items that may be close to being sold out? I don’t really know. Anyways. Yeah, it’s kind of a weird thing. I didn’t know that’s how they charged, but it makes sense because the store that fulfills that order should get the money (it counts towards daily goals).

  34. Anon-Y

    A question for the litigators –

    I’m sure we’ve all had to argue something we didn’t truly believe in at some point or another eg. If a boss insisted on an application being made. Let’s say you’re in the hearing and you can see that the judge isn’t with you. Do you continue to fight as if it were something you really believe in, at risk of being unreasonable, or gracefully back down, knowing that the judge is probably right in refusing to grant your application?

    In other words, how hard would you have to fight to feel like you’ve fulfilled your duty to the client? As hard as you can, or hard but within reason?

    • Pinecone

      As hard as you can to fulfill your duty, generally, as long as the argument isn’t frivolous (which is an ethical violation). This isn’t uncommon and there may be other strategic reasons for running a weak argument. But it is up to your discretion as to how hard to push if the judge isn’t catching what you are throwing, so as not to lose further credibility.

      • JessC

        I’ve made these kind of arguments plenty of times. I say as long as the argument passes the smell test and isn’t frivlous, you give it a try and let the judge’s reception of your argument guide how zealously you make it. If the judge’s interested/receptive to the argument (or at least not obviously shooting you down), keep going. But if the Judge is clearly not buying it, back down gracefully to maintain your credibility.
        In my practice, I tend to appear in front of the same group of judges on a pretty regular basis so on some issues, I have some idea of how they’ll rule. My supervisor and I disagree about this sometimes, but sometimes in cases where I’m fairly certain the judge won’t rule in our favor, he’ll say that we should still try to make the argument anyway so the client can see that we at least tried.

  35. big chop?

    Debating whether to cut off all my hair into a pixie. It’s a litte past shoulder length now, and kind of wavy and unfortunately a little fuzzy. I’m about to go back to work after a 5 1/2 month maternity leave and thinking maybe the short do will save me valuable morning time and make me feel more pulled together. How to decide?! Any thoughts much appreciated

    • BlueToo

      I just had my hair cut short and love it. So much easier to do in the mornings too. If it’s a style you think will suit your face and be low-maintenance, I say go for it!

    • AnonInfinity

      I had a pixie for many years and loved it! My hair is also fuzzy, and it cuts waaaaaaaay down on the frizz.

      Things to consider:

      1. Face shape. Will it look good? This is obviously a huge concern.

      2. Maintenance. I got mine trimmed every 3 weeks. Seriously. You have to keep up with it for the pixie to look good unless your hair grows very slowly. This seemed excessive until I realized that men with hair of approximately the same length as my pixie also got trims ever 3-4 weeks.

      3. Boredom. I’m currently growing mine out because I just got sick of it looking the same every day. Sure, you can part it on the other side, make it a little messier… but really, there’s not much variety. This was just fine with me for the 4 years I had the pixie, but then I just got too bored. I’m enjoying the “long” (chin length) hair now because I can style it a little with barrettes and headbands and whatnot.

      4. Growing it out. Hair is just hair, it will grow out. This has always been my thought. However, growing the pixie back out can be a challenge. I still go for haircuts every 4 weeks to cut down on the awkwardness/potential mullet look. Mine is about chin-length now, so I’m doing something crazy and going every 6 weeks starting from my last appt. Scary.

      As you can see from this list, one positive is that you get to know your hairdresser VERY well. So, that’s fun. My biggest point is that a pixie is easy easy easy day-to-day, but it does take some effort to keep it looking sharp.

    • Kontraktor

      I cut my past shoulder length, ugly wavy frizzy hair (that I flat ironed every day) into a pixie last November. I have been growing it out since then. I have mixed feelings on it all. First is, even when my hair was at its shortest, it was NOT wash and go. I still had to blow dry a bit and use product- it just took less time. However, at its best, it cut my hair time down to 10 minutes or so and it looked cute, so I liked that. However, since I have been growing it out, it is a nightmare and I hate it. Right now, after probably 8 months of legit attempts to grow it out (I had a horrible trim in January that probably set me back at least a few months of growth), it’s barely chin length- the front pieces can almost be made even with the back. Not only is it taking forever to grow out, but I feel it looks cruddy and it takes FOREVER to do in the mornings because it’s too long to be a pixie but not long enough to be a bob. I have to use so much product and heat to get it to even be where I feel it looks the tiniest bit professional.

      The other thing about really short hair- you have to get it cut all the time. The back grows very mullety very quickly, so if you’re not down with getting a trim every 4 weeks or so, short hair might not be for you. BUT, I would say if you want to keep it short for a long, long time, cutting could be fun and make you feel cute. But if you think you might want to start growing out right away, realize it will probably take awhile and in the stages between it being very short and bob-ish, it might take you more time to do and make you look less put together than you started out feeling.

      • Pip

        I feel your pain, sister. Some “friends” urged me to try a short hairstyle when I was 20 or so, but it only made my hair look even frizzier and fluffier. Obviously, since it wasn´t weighed down by its own length anymore. Lesson: if your hair fluffs when it’s long, it will fluff even worse when it´s short. Fortunately, there was an inexplicable but cute trend of wearing folkish kerchiefs while I was growing out my hair. Let’s just say I was all over that trend.

        I much prefer long frizzy hair that I can pull into an updo to short fluffy hair that I can´t do anything with.

      • Jo March

        Yeah. If your hair is at all coarse, short is not always so easy and the grow-out is brutal. That said, if you’ve never done it, I’d give it a try. It’s a pretty adorable look :)

    • karenpadi

      Do it! I got a pixie 3 years ago and love it. I had your hair–wavy, frizzy, shoulder length and I looked so young. I think the pixie helps clients take me more seriously too.

      The only area where having a pixie hurt me was dating. Too many men want long hair. Fooey!

      I went through a bunch of online pictures of pixies and printed a few for the stylist.

    • anonz

      I don’t think you should do it right now. Your hair might change and fall out with the hormonal changes so this isn’t the time for drastic changes. What about a layered bob that you can wear wavy or straight?

    • SunnyD

      2 months ago, I cut my thin (not a lot of hairs and each hair is fine), slightly wavy hair short and love love love it!! Other than put in gel after I shower, I don’t do anything to it. And it looks so much better to than the bob type cut I’d a,ways had. I’m getting it cut about every 5 weeks.

      Congrats on your baby too!

    • big chop?

      OP here – thanks so much for all the comments! This community really is the best. Still debating, debating…

  36. mamabear

    Happy weekend ladies!

    I wanted to alert you all to the zulily sale this weekend. Women’s shoes are on ridiculous clearance. I think it’s a lucky size kind of thing but definitely worth checking out.

    (This morning, my daughter asked, “Mom, why do you have so many shoes.” “Because I have so many feet, honey,” was my reply. What would you have said?)

  37. anon

    I want to buy an awesome but non-standard-size poster for my living room. Any advice on inexpensive framing? I’d usually go the Ikea or Target route and self-frame.

    • JessC

      If it’s a non-standard size, you may have to go the route of custom framing. Expensive, yes. But it’s probabl going to be your best shot at getting a frame that properly fits the piece. Michael’s and Jo-Ann are almost always having sales on their custome framing services. Just stick to a more basic frame and skip the matting.

    • Lucy

      You can get a standard-sized frame and get a mat cut to fit. I did that recently – my print was cool but not frame-sized; I bought a frame at Target (maybe $15?) and had a mat cut at Michael’s ($20.) Much cheaper than custom framing. It looks good.

    • SAB

      Michael’s sells sectional frame kits. They are a little bit tedious to put together, but they do allow you to customize for weird sizes.

  38. Mountain Girl

    I’ve been doing a little bit of online shopping today trying to fill in a few gaps and replace a few staples. Haven’t found anything really earth shattering yet but I’m curious if I am the only person who doesn’t know how to wear jewel neck sweaters (think the J Crew Jackie). I feel like they flop around and I’m always straightening. I tend to gravitate towards v-neck cardigans because of this but I really need to branch out. How do I keep the silly sweater from flopping all over?

  39. Broken Heart

    I found out today that my fiancée cheated on me – yes I found a hotel receipt from over a year ago. We’ve had issues in our relationship related to s#x and me never feeling like enough due to lack of experience and thus, not enjoying it (I know I am not to blame here because that is no excuse). We’ve been working at forming a solid relationship and I was hoping that the s#x part would just fall in place. I guess my post is a three part question – (1) any stories where people have overcome this would be extremely welcomed at this point, (2) what do I do now, and (3) if I move on, how do I ever trust again? I’m afraid I will always doubt because I never thought this would happen to me.

    • TCFKAG

      Oh Broken Heart — I’m so sorry. There are probably a million stories out there about people overcoming cheating and making a relationship work. But your post raises a bigger trust (and communication) issue to me. Good s*x does not just “fall in place.” Good s*x comes from relationships where you are with someone you can trust and work with to discover what you like and what he likes and experiment and feel safe to push boundaries and find out what you both like doing together. And some (like Dan Savage) believe that there is room within a trusting, monogomish, open relationship for one or both partners to go outside the relationship to get something that they’re not getting within the relationship, but that requires absolute honesty and communication. What your fiancee did just makes him a “cheating piece of sh*t” in Savage parlance.

      So, if you think this is a relationship that you want to save, perhaps you and your fiancee need to find a s*x-positive therapist who can help you and your guy talk about s*x and your trust issues and communication issues related to that in a way that will help you both open up. At the very least, start reading articles by Dan Savage and other articles like that to jumpstart that conversation.

      But, I also wonder that if you two are having trouble communicating about s*x if you’re also having trouble communicating about other things. I know many people on here have recommended the book “50 questions to ask before you say I do”. Perhaps a book like this or something similar would help you two start to have an honest dialogue. But seriously, I think the only possible way to re-establish trust is brutal honesty…even though you may not be thrilled about everything you learn. And you need to make some decisions about what you can learn that will be deal breakers.

      But all that being said (and this is all hard to do, I know) — I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Whether you stay with this guy or go on to another guy — remember that you’re entitled to a great s*x life…don’t neglect it! (And don’t let the guy neglect it either!!!)

    • KK

      I’m so sorry. I’m sure your mind is racing with a thousand things, but remember you don’t need to make any decisions just yet. Have you confronted him about it? I’m not of the mindset that people should never forgive partners for cheating, though I’ve never been in that situation myself so it’s hard to say (knock on wood). That said, knowing nothing more than your original post, I’d say you need to pack up and go. You’re not even married yet! He should be so excited about spending the rest of his life with you that he has no time for other women right now. If he can’t be monogamous now, he certainly won’t be in 10 years.

      How far are you in wedding planning? If you google calling off a wedding, there are are a ton of websites with advice on how to handle that situation. Don’t let fear of embarrassment now lead you into a marriage you know is wrong. It has been done before. People forget.

      As for moving on…you just do it, one day at a time. You don’t know if the trust thing will be a problem with a new guy until it happens. But be on alert for that and seek therapy if it comes up. You can’t eliminate all risk from a relationship- relationships require some degree of letting go and giving another person the power to hurt you in a bad way. You have to trust them not to or you’ll go crazy. I don’t think there’s any way around it, so maybe the best plan is to accept that risk.

      Also, don’t blame yourself for not seeing it. That’s not a character flaw on your part. It’s just another way of saying it was really at least a little bit your fault. It wasn’t.

    • NYNY

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, BH. You ask us what you should do, but the real question is what do you want to do? I think you’re trying to figure that out, and my best advice is to give yourself space for it. Your first impulse may not be your final decision, whether you’re thinking you’ll try to make it work or thinking it’s over.

      Have you talked with him about it yet? Because that’s the other thing – the decision of what happens next is up to the two of you combined. If either one of you wants to try to stay together, the other has veto power. I would say that if you haven’t started talking about what you found out, that you need to start now and be prepared for any reaction from him. He may deny it, he may try to turn it around and blame you, he may beg for forgiveness, or he may say he’s over the relationship. But unless you’ve decided to leave him and explain with a note, then you have to talk to him.

      Hugs. I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Broken Heart

      Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Yes, we’ve talked and he fully admitted to it – no blame shifting, no pressure, just sorrow. The sad thing is we both have a lot of love for the other person. I’m taking it one day at a time. In the meanwhile I asked him to move out of our home for at least a week (I can only handle saying a week right now without feeling completely crushed) and we’ll see where it goes. Again – thank you all so much.

      • Bonnie

        Hugs to you broken heart. He had an affair with one of your friends so don’t feel guilty about kicking him out for more than a week.

        • Broken Heart

          Thanks Bonnie. No, it was not with a friend of mine. I did not know her. Not that I am excusing the behavior at all.

          I just feel like I had the wind knocked out of me. I feel silly for not realizing our relationship had gotten so bad, betrayed, and embarrassed because I still love him. I am ashamed because I pride myself on being a strong independent women who would kick any cheater to the curb immediately, but now when faced with it, I am not so certain.

    • Broken Heart

      On a happier note, I normally have a hard time buying things for myself. In the past 2 days, I have bought some new pjs, and in response to the positive reviews from this website, I bought a Clarisonic Mia and Pimsleur’s language cds. I’m excited for both to arrive.

  40. Anonymoose

    Please let me add a few Internet hugs, too. I am so sorry.

    I may also be able to guess a few of the things that you are feeling because I have been the cheated-upon partner. We are currently in couples counseling and I am in individual as well (he was for a bit; should probably still be there!). The best advice that I’ve gotten from a non-therapist is to feel free not to make a decision in this immediate period. The best advice that I’ve gotten from a therapist is to work on myself; no matter what happens to the relationship, *you* will remain!

    Be good to yourself and gentle with yourself. Know that, even if the s*x was not great, an affair on your partner’s part is not about you, it’s about them. That may not make sense now, but hold on to it. Get a massage. Go for a walk. Talk with a girlfriend. Talk to a therapist / counselor / social worker.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions