Do You Keep an “If I Go Missing” Binder?
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There was an interesting story a while ago in the NYT; the theory was that the popularity of true crime podcasts and so on have made some women so nervous that they keep “If I go missing” binders to help investigators find them if they disappear.
So let's discuss — if you're dating now, what do you do to keep yourself safe? (Do you have a “If I go missing” binder?) For those of you who are no longer dating, did you have any safety systems or habits like this? (Or do you think this kind of binder is better suited to people who've had a bad breakup, an abusive ex, or other cause to be actively concerned for their safety?)
“If I Go Missing” Binders
This is apparently such a common thing that there are a number of Etsy sellers who sell “If I go missing” folders, as well as some album companies who sell such binders. Wow.
In the NYT article (gift link), they start the article by describing a woman filling out a (presumably purchased) doc or binder:
Christina Murray printed all 53 pages of the document and wrote down her information. There was space to fill in the make and model of her car; her exes and their last known addresses and phone numbers; and any debts she owes.
The document advised including a recent photo of herself (“high resolution, if possible”) and descriptions of tattoos and identifying scars. One page left room for Ms. Murray, a 36-year-old clinical director in New Hampshire, to log her fingerprints and passwords to her social media accounts. She then printed two copies: one that she keeps in her apartment, where she lives alone, and one that she gave to her employer’s human resources department.
(Slightly off topic, but I'd love to hear what you guys think about her giving it to her HR department…)
What I Did to Keep Myself Safe While Online Dating
Is this really a new thing, though? Back when I was doing a lot of online dating in the mid-aughts, I kept a folder on my desktop with any information about forthcoming dates that I could find.
I went back through my personal files and found my folder — in addition to taking screenshots of men's dating profile(s) and our email conversations, I kept a spreadsheet with all sorts of data, such as length of date, length of phone call to set up the date, and other inane data that I apparently thought was important at the time. I would say it was Type A of me, but the I'm going to deduct points because the spreadsheet is in WORD, not Excel.
ANYWAY, at the time I also had a dedicated friend who I always let know if I was going out — where, with whom, and when I got home OK. She and I had agreed on New Year's to make dating our big project for the year, and then she went and met her husband by mid-January (rude!), but still agreed to field all my emails anyway.
So let's discuss — if you're dating now, what do you do to keep yourself safe? (Do you have a “If I go missing” binder?) For those of you no longer dating, did you have any systems or habits? If you've had a bad breakup, did you make such a binder?
(Psst: We've also rounded up personal safety apps, although it looks like only one of them is still in business. Do you have any to recommend, readers?)
Wow – my initial thought was that the binder thing is bananapants crazy, but the article was eye-opening. If you’re at a higher rate of experiencing violence that tends to go unsolved, yeah it doesn’t seem so crazy.
I always tell a friend where I’m going, who I’ll be with, and make a plan to check in. When I’m on a date I will fully tell the guy “I’m going to check in with a friend to let her know that I’m not dead.” Kind of joking, but also not. I’m also very good at googling my dates beforehand to figure out their full names and where they work.
No, this is ridiculous fear-mongering and tragic main character syndrome.
+1
what is “tragic main character syndrome”? like you think you’re the main character but think your story will end in tragedy? (but i always associate main character syndrome with being a PITA to everyone around you… this is collecting documents to keep in your apartment, so I don’t get it.)
No, what’s tragic is how pathetic and narcissistic this is. That’s what I meant.
I would consider this if and only if I were in an active domestic violence situation. Otherwise, it’s living in fear to a degree that is not healthy.
I agree. And giving this binder to your HR department (with social media passwords?!?!) is kind of beyond.
I have done a lot of online dating. I have a friend who I’d send screenshots of the guy’s dating profile and I share my location with her for the evening. I also am kind of upfront with the guy and ask his last name before our date. I literally say, “To make sure you’re not a serial killer.” Most of them understand those who don’t are off the list anyway.
Having this kind of binder really makes me wonder if the person would be better served by seeing a therapist.
I’m in house counsel. If I found out that my HR counterparts had agreed to hold a copy of this binder, I’d be very upset. An employer should NOT have this kind of info about an employee. And social media passwords!!!
The women profiled in the article essentially created a tool for someone to steal their identity or trash their online reputation. It’s so bizarre to me that anyone would do this to slightly increase the chance of catching a perpetrator of a crime that’s very, very unlikely to occur.
Single forever and this is what I do. I cannot imagine creating a binder like this as a regular boring every day lady who has no abusive partners.
I only read the headline but am reminded of Mitt Romney’s binders of women.
This just sounds crazy. I meet guys for dates in public places. I take public transportation to and from the date, which would make it pretty hard to follow me, and don’t got back to their place on a first date. That’s about the extent of what I do to stay safe.
I keep meaning to make a list of my back accounts and similar stuff for my family in case anything happens to me. But by that, I mean if I die or get disabled in an accident.
This is extreme, IMHO. It is also information that I would be leery of having just laying around – what if a plumber or an electrician finds it?
This is really designed to minimize women, to make them fearful of living full lives and experiencing things, to limit their confidence in their ability to navigate difficult circumstances, to discourage them from learning to read people and trust their instincts.
No but I have an IF I DIE binder, so my husband has easy access to all the information he needs about accounts, life insurance, pension, etc.
Yeah this makes a lot more sense than “If I Go Missing” binders.
ha, same, although mine isn’t in a nice binder.
Same. I travel a lot for work and I also manage all of the household finances, so I have a list of insurance, accounts, and other information for my husband in case something happens to me.
If I die, if I go missing, potato/patata. In this day and age, with so many adults living alone and fiercely independent, it’s a good idea to have a “when I’ve gone” file with this sort of information, whether it’s to assist the authorities in finding you if you go missing or to assist your family in sorting out your affairs if (when) you die. And just NO to handing this information over to your HR department, that’s personal information that is none of your employer’s business. You can store the file somewhere in your home and tell your family and trusted friends where to find it. Give someone a key to your home, too.
This reminds me of those ‘child safety kits’ that were all the rage a decade or so ago, the ones designed to prey on a parent’s fear…
Maybe there are certain situations in which having an information binder is a good thing, but for the vast majority it’s just preying on fears.
The one thing I would like to do is have a notarized document that communicates that a certain person is always aware of my location – meaning if I am planning on traveling so that god forbid I go missing the idea would be that the waiting for 48 hours or me being an adult and being allowed to go missing would be taken out of the situation.
By having the document written and notarized, and signed by the two of us , I’m personally on advance commuting to keep said person up to date about any plans even last minute ones.
Now keep in mind I have a previous history of domestic violence and ptsd along with severe trauma so I’m likely more predisposed to wanting to secure something like this especially since I live alone and I’m not in touch with family.
Reserving comment on the binder itself, but women at risk have long been advised to provide employers with copies of stay away orders/orders of protection because if there are any problems, police investigating are likely to check-in with employers early. I suppose the idea to provide HR with a copy of the “if I go missing” binder stems for that piece of wisdom.