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Updated: Sep 28, 2020 412 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Howell Wrap Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Scandal has been off the air for some time now, but Olivia Pope still looms large in my mental list of top television style icons. This cashmere wrap sweater looks like something that Liv would wear for her popcorn/red wine dinners on the couch.

I’m not brave enough to drink red wine anywhere near ivory cashmere, so I would probably wear this with a pair of camel trousers or a brightly-colored pencil skirt.

The sweater is $345 and available in sizes S–L. Howell Wrap Sweater

A (much) more affordable alternative is from Express; it's only $25 on sale (marked down from $60) and comes in ivory, charcoal heather, and “nude sorbet” in XXS–XL. 

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  2. Fall photos

    Looking for a recommendation for a longer sweater for family photos (outside). I am 12/14 and found that layers look most flattering for professional photos and am most comfortable in jeans so I am thinking a long open sweater with a top underneath. Ideally the sweater would be something longer with a slightly defined waist in fall colors (blue and jewel tones work too).I would be open to a poncho, etc. too if anyone has one they love that looks flattering. Any suggestions?

  3. Anon

    I’m just having one of those weeks where I’m feeling overwhelmed and very upset about the state of everything, especially COVID.

    I work in local government and was very involved with the original response, and was working like crazy. Now we’ve transitioned from an all hands on deck approach to the SMEs and I’m back to a more or less normal workload which gives me the time/energy to be concerned.

    A few days ago it hit me that we won’t return to normal until vaccine + 1 year, so likely the spring of 2022. It just crushed me.

    All of this is then compounded by the fact that a lot of things I do to destress I still can’t / choose not to do.

    I know that this too shall pass but COVID has really got me feeling down lately.

    • Anon

      Totally understand, Anon. I am right there with you (and I suspect many on this board are feeling the same way). It can all feel so overwhelming and hopeless.

      I found that being really busy at work, while stressful in a different way, was better than having a lighter workload and having too much time to think about COVID.

      Is there anything you can do that makes you feel better that you can prioritize every day? Yoga, a walk, a bath, a good book, baking…

      Hugs.

      • OP

        Things are MUCH MUCH better than they were, yes. But, I know several people working on COVID in different settings (government, healthcare, working at a company that makes vaccines, etc) and everyone says that things won’t go back to normal until vaccine + 1.

        I’m not a fear monger and I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety, this is a well supported fact for those of us working in this sphere. Even after a vaccine is approved, available to select groups, and then widely available it will take approx one year for enough people to be vaccinated for there to be herd immunity. Many mass gatherings, especially indoors, won’t reopen until we get to that place (or at least in my state). I’m not overly cautious, but things like travel for pleasure, concerts, crowded bars, school without restrictions, etc. won’t be back until vaccine + 1.

        • Anonymous

          They’re not wrong that 100% normal will probably take vaccine +1 just because it will take a while for the vaccine to be widely available around the world.

          But things don’t need to be 100% normal to be way way better. In places where there are limited active cases (eg eastern Canada), life is pretty normal. Masking most indoor public places and workplaces but kids are back at school. Gyms are open, you just take off your mask when you get to your mat or bike. Movie theatres are open at 50% capacity etc.

          It will likely be a rough winter but it will get better between now and spring 2022. it won’t be a switched flipped in Spring 2022, it will be slow steady progress and life at 60-70-80 percent normal is pretty great.

          • Anon

            What on earth is the point of opening the gym if people are going to take their masks off during the actual exercise portion of the event?

          • MKB

            To anon @9:57 – No idea, but this is the policy at my gym! And the reason I haven’t resumed going there and am building a home gym to see me through the pandemic.

          • OP

            Yes things are mostly normal in the summer where I am, and I do almost every activity that’s allowed where I live (I’m certainly not someone waiting at home for this to be over). We have masks everywhere and capacity limits. Most workplaces are still closed, and I’d say over half of the schools are remote. Our gyms are open but you must wear your mask 100% of the time. I believe movie theaters just opened. We just got indoor dining at like 25% capacity. All that being said – just because it’s open doesn’t mean I want to do it (I dropped my gym and can consider rejoining after I get a vaccine, I’m more than okay with outdoor dining but won’t be indoor dining anytime soon, etc).

            Things are better (I see friends/family outdoors, I do outdoor dining, I shop in person, etc). but there are some major life things I’ve kind of put on hold for the time being. I’d love to start grad school before vaccine + 1, but I have no interest in remote or hybrid classes so I will wait on grad school until classes are fully in person. I’d like to move out West for a few years – but since I”ll only be there for a year or two I won’t do that until I know I’d have the full experience of living in that city (so no COVID restrictions) and feel okay flying, since I’d be a plane ride away from family. I’m very slowly back in the dating pool, but obviously that looks a little different now.

            Life changes aside, I just flat out miss my old life and can’t wait to get back to it and it sucks knowing its 18 months away, likely. I want to go to the gym (without masks), I want to travel internationally, I want to go to concerts, I want to play contact sports and those are things that are 18 months away right now.

          • Anonymous

            @ Anon 9:57. The point of opening the gyms etc is to allow people to maintain their physical and mental health. We currently have two cases total in a population of 500K so the risk is quite low.

            Mats, bikes etc are spaced 2 metres apart with size limits on the class (e.g. 6 now vs. 16 previously at yoga) so the idea is that being masked to and from the exercise location is more difficult to maintain distancing but you are distancing at the actual location where you work out.

      • needs good news

        Genuinely asking – what makes you say that things are so much better? All of the media I am consuming say that deaths are increasing (e.g., New York recently had its highest death toll since June) and while states like Florida are removing restrictions and people are increasingly acting like things are better – that isn’t what the data show. If you have reputable sources saying that things nationally are improving, I’d love to see them. My mood could really use a boost!!

        • Anonymous

          I don’t care at all about whether things nationally are fine. Here in NJ they’re good.

          • needs good news

            so… no sources? even for NJ? Just a rude and selfish comment? Sadly typical for someone who thinks things are fine I guess.

          • Anon

            Well, that’s a bit short-sighted and self-serving. At least you’re honest about it?

          • Brunette+Elle+Woods

            I’m also in NJ where things are much better than they were in March- May. However. I would never say I don’t care about how things are nationally because I care about other people and people are still suffering and dying and fo not have adequate guidance from their leadership. Here in NJ, we could care about other people even if they don’t live here.

          • Anonymous

            Hm, I’m in NJ & I just walked past two restaurants that had both indoor and outdoor seating — both at capacity for both. Meaning 100% indoor seating in an area where only 25% is allowed — that can’t be good. Numbers are rising, and everyone is expecting a 2nd wave fall & winter. You have no sources indicating that it’s good; in addition to that, what do your eyes and ears tell you?

        • OP

          I’m not tracking nationally too closely (though I do care a lot about it, we can’t reopen totally until we’re doing better everywhere) but where I live we’ve greatly improved with new cases and have really cut down on fatalities and hospitalizations.

          I’m in an area with a liberal governor and liberal mayor and things have been so locked down they’ve been sued. Things are really beginning to open up which is why things start to feel normal. I’m not doing everything that’s allowed (gyms) but I’m doing most things

        • Anon

          +1 my friend just posted this morning on social media that her brother, born in 1993, died from COVID. From what I can tell, he was otherwise a healthy guy. I don’t feel like things are getting better.

          • Anon

            I’m so sorry for her loss. It’s hard to believe that over 200,000 people have died of this virus just in the United States.

          • Anon

            Agreed. I feel like we are being collectively gas lit for the state of the economy. Our country is never going to pay people to stay home and people will never listen and actually stay home. It’s sad.

        • Nyer

          I think you may be referring to NYs case count,rather than death count,which beat 1k for the first time since June last week, but nearly 100k tests were done that day. Percentage of positive cases here are ticking up but still at about 1 percent. The death count remains in the single digits daily, I believe.

    • Anon

      I work in public health and I don’t think it will take a year from the vaccine for things to go back to mostly normal. We are living with all these restrictions because 750+ people are still dying per day. Vaccinating the most high risk 20% of the country would cause that number to plummet, and will really change how people think about the pandemic. Ultimately, people care about deaths and to a lesser degree hospitalizations, not infections. The high risk are likely to get vaccinated Q1 2021. Also most experts think even low risk people in developed countries will get vaccinated by mid-late summer 2021. It should not take a full 12 months to vaccinate everyone in the US, especially when only half the country currently wants the vaccine. And I’m sure as heck resuming normal life once I’ve gotten vaccinated. There are a few things not in my control like Broadway theater and international travel (although I expect way more borders to open by next summer with testing and/or proof of vaccination), but my life will be so much better when I can travel domestically, eat out, see friends and family, go to the movies, etc. Life is so far from normal right now and if I got back everything except huge gatherings and international travel it would be a vast improvement.

      • Anon

        I’m in public health also and I think 2022 is the earliest things may look “normal” for non-high-risk people. What’s the good of a vaccine in an anti-science, “you can’t make me” country like this?

        • Anon

          Vaccination has tremendous benefits for the vaccinated even if not enough people get it for herd immunity. The flu vaccine is notoriously ineffective (most people think the Covid vaccine will be significantly better) but it still reduces your chance of catching the flu by 30-50% and reduces the odds of severe illness and death by much more. Something like 85% of flu deaths are in the unvaccinated. So yeah, I will be comfortable going back to normal life once I’ve had the vaccine, especially as a lower risk person. Once I’ve gotten the vaccine, I’ve done my part for the public health and I’m not going to quarantine forever to protect people who refuse a vaccine.

      • Anonymous

        Also most experts think even low risk people in developed countries will get vaccinated by mid-late summer 2021.
        – where are you seeing this? I’m seeing more like fall 2021 at the earliest for non-high risk people.

    • anon

      I understand completely. Can you take 1-2 days off to just … shut out the state of the world? I did that this weekend, and it felt really good and gave me the energy to keep on going. But let me reiterate — all of this is SO HARD, and you’re not wrong for feeling terrible.

    • anon

      I feel you. I finally conceded and bought a proper desk for work from home which arrived this weekend. And then my husband had to deal with the meltdown triggered by the desk being a gorgeous, solid wood, 2×6 foot literal embodiment of the reality of working from home and COVID.

    • anonyK

      I think most people feel this way periodically, when you think about some specific thing you thought would happen but probably won’t due to covid. The uncertainty is really hard. And all of these guesses about when we will be back to normal are just that, guesses. So, for me, the idea that I’ll just hold on until April 1, 2022 and then everything will be normal is not that comforting- that’s a long time away and no one even knows and what is “normal” anyway?

      I strongly recommend working on mindfulness and techniques to help you stay present. Don’t let yourself spend much time thinking about the future, think about today, tomorrow, maybe the weekend. Bring your focus in very very close as much as possible. Find things that will make you enjoy today and tomorrow and the weekend. You have a lot of long term plans (moving, grad school) you are worried about which probably makes this difficult. I would set a date on your calendar to reconsider these things, maybe quarterly or every 6 mos, then write it on your calendar and forget about it until then. Maybe have a place in your notebook/planner where you can jot down thoughts/notes on these topics that pop into your head before your designated time to consider them.

      On this topic, I’ll leave you with a quote from a book I read many years ago when I was dealing with (routine, non-clinical) anxiety related to an ongoing situation. It stuck in my head and I remember it when I’m struggling:
      “Tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.” (From Alan Watts/The Wisdom of Insecurity)

    • anon

      I am not sure if this helps but it often (not always..) helps me to remember that it could be worse, and how. For example, we are in a pandemic and have serious social and political issues. We are not being attacked from the sky, buildings around us are not crumbling. I do not worry when I step out my door that I will hear a siren and have to run. There are people who lived through times like that and survived, society recovered, people went on to live great lives. Thinking about these things helps me remember human beings are incredibly resilient and bad times are not forever, and that we have gotten through worse and will get through this too.

  4. Anon

    As the weather turns and a lot of the things I had started doing again come to an end, I’m looking for some indoor/at home/solo hobbies. I’m looking mostly for things to entertain myself but also I like having a hobby or two that lets me work to accomplish something.

    I cook only because it’s too expensive/unhealthy to not and I don’t bake. I have no interest in yarn crafts and while I appreciate art and music, I don’t have an artistic/musical bone in my body. I don’t have outdoor space so I can’t garden (though I think I’d enjoy it … my apartment is maxed out on indoor plants though).

    In normal times I loved to travel, hike, surf, play rec sports, go to bars/breweries/restaurants/go dancing, have friends/family over, and check out the cultural events going on in my city. I was hoping to get into rock climbing and skiing, as I finally have more disposable income.

    The few at home hobbies I have include reading and staying up on current events. I used to go to the gym, but I’ve dropped my membership and I need to be better about working out. (Really – before covid I was rarely at home. I worked a lot and I socialized a lot). During the spring I was working 80-90 hour weeks and didn’t have to worry about keeping myself occupied, but I think this winter will be different.

    Would greatly appreciate some suggestions on how to fill my time.

    • Anon

      Do you like puzzles of any sort? Jigsaw, crossword, etc.?

      Would you have any interest in learning a language? It might come in handy when you can travel again. There are online services that will set up Zoom calls with native speakers so that you can practice.

      • OP

        I minored in French so I do Duolingo frequently to stay sharp.

        I hate puzzles but I do enjoy crossword puzzles (prefer to do them with others, but I’ll look into doing them alone)

        • Korvapuusti

          I share a log in the NYTimes puzzle app with my sister who lives far away, and talking about clues and trading off who’s working on it has been a great way for us to stay in touch.

          • Anonymous

            Not the OP but thank you for that idea. My family is in other countries, including a sister who does a crossword puzzle every day in a national newspaper. I can never interpret the clues but can sometimes help once a clue is interpreted. With the time difference, a shared puzzle app would allow me to enter the puzzle when she has done all the easy ones!

        • JDMD

          Would you ever be interested in constructing crossword puzzles? There’s software that can create grids for you, and there’s a niche world of crossword constructors. If this interests you at all, I’d recommend the blog xwordinfo — lots of great data there if you want to pull back the curtain on what goes into make a clean grid.

    • Anon

      How intense does winter get where you are? I think that affects the answers. Is there any software that you’d be interested in learning? Could be something for professional reasons (like Python or R), or it could be something fun/creative (like learning Adobe Illustrator or music mixing software). Have you ever thought about starting a novelty Instagram account? Would you have any interest in homebrewing?

      • OP

        Winter has been all over the place recently (thanks, climate change). Last year we hardly got snow, but we got clobbered in November the year before. As of late, it’s been more bitter cold than snowy but there’s been plenty of snowy years. I’m not too into technology, but maybe I could look into learning the black magic of excel for work purposes. I’m trying to pull away from social media (I delete my instagram for weeks at a time, temporarily reactive it, and then delete it again). I’d love homebrewing but I don’t have much space (tiny apartment in the city)

    • Ribena

      Do you have enough indoor space to work out? If so, I’m picking up on the going dancing and enjoying music and I’ll recommend E M K fit’s workout videos on YouTube. They use a HIIT structure but with dance moves.

      What is autumn/winter like where you are in terms of weather and daylight? Could you get into going for walks and taking photos around your area? Even if you don’t think of yourself as artistic, you could go on photo hunts looking for certain things. (Thinking like in Love Lettering by Kate Clayborn).

      • OP

        Yes – my roommate and I have a little area set aside for working out. I”m not much into dance workouts (I like to go to bars with live music and dance and look like the uncoordinated fool I am), but I have done other workout videos that I enjoy!

        Weather isn’t terrible (we always get snow but the amount varies year to year, but we get very cold cold snaps), but in the winter it’s dark when I go to work and dark when I get home from work (I’ve been going into the office the entire time).

        • Ribena

          I’m also an uncoordinated fool, haha! Her slogan is ‘wrong and strong’ and it’s true that I’m at least moving around and sweating for the length of the video which has to be better than nothing – and the endorphins aren’t too shabby either.

          Something a bit different – I have signed up for Rachel Syme’s (NYer fashion writer) ‘penpalooza’ and now have penpals all around the world who I can write to!

      • Katie

        Does your area have community gardens? I live in an apartment, but have a plot at a community garden down the street. Our winters tend to be fairly mild, so I’ve planted fall/winter crops to give me something to tend to later in the season. Could be something to investigate – I’ve found it to be very therapeutic, as well as giving me an activity with naturally built-in social distancing.

    • CountC

      Any interest in doing home beer brewing? My dad is an avid home brewer and it keeps him entertained and allows for lots of time to tweak things. It sounds like you don’t have a ton of extra room though, so you may only be able to work one batch at a time.

      Do you have enough room to take an online dancing course (I have no idea if this is a thing, but worth a Google search at least)?

      Are there virtual cultural events happening that you can put on your calendar?

      • OP

        Would love homebrewing but you’re correct about the space! Not into dancing classes/workouts, but I do like barre and I know Peleton just added barre to their app (no bike, but I have the app for other workouts).

        Virtual cultural events are a good idea- will look into them!

    • Anonymous

      I like Babble for working on new language for when we can travel again. Similarly I find myself more motivated to work out when I do a ‘yoga for climbers’, or HIIT for skiers or whatever video that makes me feel like I’m prepping my muscles and body for when we can do these things again.

      Also, there are a lot of great rock climbing documentaries out there. Check out Roam.

      • OP

        Yes! I do duolingo 3x a week or so.

        I LOVE that idea of doing workouts geared for other hobbies. That will definitely get me to actually do the workout.

    • Anon

      Planted aquariums are really fun and can be a huge time suck, if you want it to be.

      • Anon

        Also, I feel like I missed most of Shakespeare in school somehow, so I’m planning on reading a few plays this winter, along with some books about Shakespeare and the plays.

        • cbackson

          Interrupting to highly recommend the BBC series “The Hollow Crown” – they lavishly staged a whole sequence of the history plays, with an all-star cast (Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jeremy Irons, Judi Dench, etc.). I find the history plays particularly hard to appreciate as written materials, and seeing them staged really brought them to life for me.

      • Erin

        I’m not the least bit artistic either, and I’ve been doing paint by numbers during the time I’m not able to get out. I’ve had good results, it doesn’t take much room, and I have something to keep me busy (particularly keeps my hands busy). As an added bonus they look okay enough to hang. I brought one to work for my boss, she loves it.

    • Anon

      How about bird-watching? You can get into some pretty neat citizen-science projects that enable social interaction, and it can be done from your apartment windows or go out for a hike. It’s pretty neat to observe the natural world around you – all the things going on that we never notice unless we look for them.
      My orchid collection has grown during COVID-19 and am for once caught up on repotting.

      • OP

        That’s a great idea! Not so into birdwatching, but I could definitely get into other citizen scientist projects. I’ll check out what’s available in my area!!

      • OP

        Oh I 100% would love a dog, but I work long hours (essential employee so was never able to wfh) and just can’t do a dog at this point in my life right now.

        My roommate is very allergic to cats, so they’re out and those are the pets I’m into.

    • Former Parisian

      I actually sounds quite similar to you in terms of interests.

      Do more hiking, if the situation allows where you are. Go cycling. Roller-blading seems to be back in my city.

      Indoors: terrarium planting, kintsugi, origami, calligraphy. I know you said no yarn crafts, but rude cross-stitching can be fun and gives a sense of accomplishment.

      Read books (including in French!). If your French is perfect, pick up a new language (I’m on my fifth now).

    • Anon

      Are movies and TV too obvious? If you need to feel like you have a goal, you could work through some best of lists. I’ve been listening to the podcast Unspooled and watching the AFI Top 100 Films list. If you like more recent/diverse movies, you could try some best of the decade lists from the 2010s or best films directed by women or something like that.

      • OP

        haha so I actually don’t love TV/movies. I watch a few TV shows, but maybe that accounts for a few hours a week? I actually really do not enjoy movies and only watch them on occasion. I probably didn’t even start watching more TV than normal until May or so – made it through the first few months of quarantine hardly watching!

    • Anon

      I have a lot of outdoor hobbies that are all on hold (except for hiking) and I have done okay weathering this pandemic. Someone here even accused me of being a loser who loves the pandemic and that I probably never had any friends anyway. Obviously I don’t agree with that assessment :)

      Here’s what actually works – I took up a new indoor hobby (knitting) to make something for a dear relative, my husband and I have tackled a lot of house projects that we never had time for with our travel/outdoor schedule before, including boring things like scanning old family photos, I read a lot, and we’re going to get a puzzle as well. The trick hasn’t been to fill up my schedule with TONS of new hobbies – just pick one or two and then focus on changing your attitude. Can you see this time as a gift? I could either frame this time as “well it sucks that I had to cancel my ski trip and I can’t go back to the climbing gym” or I could say “well, it’s not what I expected, but I’m so glad I finally had the time to learn how to knit and spending quality time with just my husband has been so rewarding. I never would’ve had time to scan Grandma’s photos if we weren’t indoors so much.”

      FWIW, this mindset has also helped me with the other immense challenge I’ve faced in my state this year – extreme wildfires and horrible air quality that have prevented me from going outside to exercise for weeks on end.

      tl;dr: mindset trumps number of new hobbies.

    • Anon

      You’re dismissing soooo many things! I think you should be a little more open-minded and also try to stick with some activities that you might not love or be great at right off the bat.

    • anon a mouse

      A few thoughts.

      First, although you say you have no artistic bone in your body, you might consider trying something FOR FUN like adult coloring books, or watercolor painting. You don’t have to be good at it! I like to paint random geometric arrangements while listening to an audiobook. Usually I just throw the paintings in the trash, but I like to think of it as exercising my right brain.

      Second, think about any outdoor activities that you can still do – do you need better gear for hiking? Snowshoes, like someone mentioned? Binoculars? It will be so important to still get fresh air, even when it is freezing out.

      Finally, think about whether you could volunteer in some capacity for local organizations from your home. Do they need correspondence drafted? Meeting minutes typed up? Or if you like being outdoors, does your local parks organization take volunteers to do trail cleanup or reblaze trails?

  5. Anon

    COVID rant: I’m struggling with trying to be safe for my family and maintain my sanity.

    I am single and live in a major city about an hour away from my family. My sister is pregnant and due in a month. I’ve seen my family once a month since June, and I completely isolate for two weeks (do not leave the house at all except for a daily walk outside. No trips to stores, no seeing friends even outside. No contact with humans). before going to see them. I absolutely love getting to spend time with them, and they are the only people I can really let my guard down around, since they do not go out at all and we are essentially a family pod.

    Once I see them, I go back to the city and resume my slightly higher-risk (but still fairly low-risk) activities of seeing friends outdoors for masked walks or the occasional trip to a grocery store or CVS. Even one masked walk a week and one trip to a grocery store does wonders for my mental health. I get so excited to make small talk with the cashiers (dork alert) because I miss it so much. I do this for two weeks until the next round of isolation.

    But the two weeks of isolation really weigh on me. Spending half my time every month completely alone is just really difficult. I hate it. Sometimes I question whether it is worth it. But what’s the alternative? I guess I could see my family less often in person and more often virtually..?

    Also, I’m trying to online date and I’ve been doing phone chats with a nice-seeming guy that I’d like to meet, but now I have to figure out how to time that safely with my next family visit and I’m starting to wonder whether it’s even worth it. I really would like to meet someone but trying to fit that in and gauge his levels of safety/who he’s seen/etc when it’s already hard enough to just do it for myself… it’s exhausting.

    Help? What would you do? Anyone else in this situation?

    • Anon

      OP here. Just want to add that I also LOVE seeing my friends in the city and even just getting to go pick up takeout or grab a coffee to go. These things bring me small but important joy and make me feel like living here is actually worth it. Seeing friends (masked, outdoors, socially distant) and enjoying good food and coffee are the few remaining things I can actually do. And as a single person, these activities are essential to helping me feel connected.

      Doing those things within a two-week span of seeing my family is not an option. So I feel like I’m just stuck. I guess there is no solution. I just really, really hate it.

      • cbackson

        I would have a talk with your family about their COVID precautions and yours and get a sense of their comfort level with your normal level of exposure. I have a new baby and my SIL is pregnant. I have a similar level of exposure to what you’re describing and I don’t isolate before seeing my SIL or parents. Basically, even though we don’t live together, we act as one family unit and observe the level of precautions/exposure that we’re collectively comfortable with. So they know that, while I don’t see friends or even go to the store in person, my fiance is going to his office (masked, and with very limited exposure to others, but he is going), and I know that my mom does a weekly grocery run (masked) and that my SIL has one friend that she meets for outdoor walks.

        If your sister is asking you to do this, that’s another thing, and then I would consider some of the solutions other propose below.

    • anon

      Why are you isolating for two weeks before seeing your family? Are they very high risk? If you’re only doing low-risk activities otherwise it really doesn’t seem necessary. Consider all the doctors, nurses, and other patients your pregnant sister is seeing.
      Since you asked what others would do in your situation, I would not isolate before seeing my family.

      • Anon

        My sister is pregnant. If she weren’t, I would not isolate to this degree.

        • Anon

          Sorry, I hit post too soon. You make a good point. Yes, she is seeing doctors and nurses. Maybe I’m overdoing it…

          • Anon

            I’m also pregnant, and I appreciate that you are doing this. I’m seeing doctors and nurses, but that’s it – all groceries delivered, no social visits (masked or not), nothing. My parents are coming up after baby is born and they’re starting their 2 week quarantine shortly (I’m due in 2 weeks). If one of my siblings wanted to visit but hadn’t quarantined for 2 weeks first, I wouldn’t let them come (which SUCKS, but we’re erring on the side of caution). FWIW, our pediatrician said the safest thing to do for mom & baby is 2 week quarantine prior to visits b/c of unreliability of tests.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah completely. Also this is a disease that’s particularly bad for the elderly. Not pregnant women.

          • Anonymous

            Seeing doctors and nurses is different from visiting with family. If you are pregnant, prenatal care is an absolute necessity. Visiting family isn’t. Also, health care providers are all working masked (many with N95s) and minimize the patient’s time in the office as much as possible. It doesn’t sound as if you are taking the same precautions on your family visits.

        • anon

          Is your sister isolating 100%? How about everyone she lives with? How does she get to her doctor’s appointments? How many people does she see there?

          • Anonymous

            So you’re equating coffee runs with friends to her sister seeing her medical team? Um, no.

          • Anon

            Anon at 9:49, the poster is describing how her mental health really suffers during her isolation period. To dismiss her activities is really pretty insulting and minimizes the importance of human connection to our mental and emotional health. I was making the point that her sister is likely seeing all kinds of contacts, and to isolate 100% for a full two weeks just isn’t necessary.

          • Anonymous

            I stand by the comment. Not being able to wait two weeks to have coffee with friends is not the same level of “essential” as a pregnant woman seeing her doctor for maternal care (where both are likely to be masked the entirety). Sorry if that is hard to hear. But it just flat out isn’t equal level of need. Good grief.

        • Anon

          It’s still early, but the small amount of research that has been done has shown that pregnant women are more likely to get really sick and that covid increases the risk of miscarriage and stillbirths. It’s a logical fallacy to think that just because the sister is seeing doctors for necessary medical care that any additional exposure doesn’t increase her risk. The poster is being considerate of her sister and niece/nephew to be.

    • Airplane.

      I’m sorry that sucks. I don’t think it’s sustainable to basically spend 50% of your time miserable – 2 weeks of isolation, 2 normal weeks, over and over. Can you see your family less frequently but stay longer? Like see them every other month or every 3 months but stay an entire week or something like that? That way it’s fewer weeks of isolation before each trip. Another idea – can you work on deepening your friendships or relationships outside of your family so you feel like you can let your guard down around more people than just your family and that way you are more evened out and an interaction with the CVS cashier isn’t the only thing you can look forward to socially when you are back in the city.

    • Anon

      How long do you visit family for, when you visit? It sounds like you might be happier visiting less often, but for a longer duration. Is that an option?

    • Anonymous

      I see my family and don’t live in rigid isolation. Who is insisting on that? I’d just not. Like maybe right before meeting a newborn but I see my family, and a few friends. A masked walk is completely fine. Going to a store in a mask is completely fine. Adding one person to your life is okay. It’s not April.

    • Anonymous

      I would look at switching to doing 10 days of isolation vs. 14. The additional 4 days capture like 1-2% of cases so when you are already cautious, it is extremely unlikely that those extra 4 days would substantially increase your risk. Also, if you are seeing friends outside both masked and distanced, then the risk is also incredibly low. I would continue to meet a friend for a chat while masked and distanced outside during the 10 days. That’s much different than going to a store. Try to see a friend every third day or so during that period. 3 friends in 10 days when outside, masked and distanced is incredibly low risk.

      And I say this as someone who lives in a cautious jurisdiction that requires two weeks isolation for anyone coming in from outside. We’re on the quite cautious end of the spectrum but I think you are going beyond what is necessary. Your sister’s health matters but your mental health matters too.

    • AFT

      I was going to say “hopefully it’s just a month more” but I imagine sister will be equally or more cautious when baby is born, too? Have you talked about the precautions you’re taking and made clear that your family want/need you to do so? I wonder if you could make some small adjustments that would help your mental health. E.g., could you limit your “lockdown” to 7-10 days, getting a rapid test right 5 days into it, so you have negative test results + some time of quarantine before visit? That would be dependent on your testing resources, but I think would be a reasonable approach!
      Alternatively, if they go even more cautious after baby is born, maybe that would give you a little reprieve to live your low-risk life for a bit. Either way has downsides, and I’m sorry that you (and everyone) have to make these risk analyses in what used to be day-to-day life!

    • Anon

      I would encourage you to do some more research on transmission. I think outdoors PLUS masked is extremely extremely safe. Perhaps you could still avoid stores during your 2 isolation weeks but continue having distanced, outdoor, masked meet ups with friends.

      Alternatively, if you have a friend in a similar boat, would you consider creating a pod with that person? I would definitely meet with the guy — my boyfriend and I just became official before this all started, and he was part of my pod since day 1, and it’s been incredibly positive for my mental health. If there’s a small chance that things go really really well, and you could be a pod and that would be helpful. Worst case scenario is you are back to where you started.

      • Ellen

        I just got off from my internet high holiday service. I learned alot about myself being all alone and I wish I had a pod like you but I have freinds on Zoom and Webex, and it has to be enough for now, as any chance of a new boyfreind is zero for me until after the pandemic b/c I visit with my family regularly. Happy new year to the entire hive and I hope we all get over this pandemic a.s.a.p. YAY!

    • Anonie

      If it is encouraging, realize that this may only last 3 more months. Talk to your sister about expectations for once the baby reaches 2 months and has had his or her first shots. Apparently, many doctors recommend that new parents be extra vigilant UNTIL that 2-month mark. Once the baby has received 2-month shots, their immune is stronger and there are more treatment options if he or she becomes sick. At least, this is how my baby niece’s doctor explained things.

      I became a first-time aunt early during the pandemic. Because I didn’t want to go 2 weeks without seeing my fiance (who does not have the option of WFH) and live with 2 roommates who have taken quarantine less seriously than me, I wasn’t allowed to meet the baby until she reached 2 months. Those first 2 months were rough and I cried regularly because I was so eager to meet my niece. But the time flew by quicker than expected and now I am allowed to see the baby regularly. (She is AMAZING.)

      In case that sample point isn’t enough haha, I have 2 different sets of couple friends who became first-time parents within a few weeks of my sister and her husband. ALL of them began allowing friends and family to see and hold their babies without quarantining first once the babies had their 2-month shots. It must be pretty common advice from doctors.

    • Anon

      If someone asked you to quarantine, make sure you are on the same page about what that means. I have a medical procedure coming up and they asked me to quarantine for 7 days. I mentioned that my husband is not 100% WFH and asked if he would need to stay home during my 7 days or if we would have to stay apart. They said we are both allowed to go to work out of the house and go to buy foods or medications. Just no out of state travel. In other words, the “quarantine” is total BS. I understand they can’t realistically ask people to stay home from work that don’t WFH – except they can under the CARES act, but if you are letting people go to work then any alleged quarantine is totally illusory.

      I have elderly parents I periodically visit. For the two weeks before, I just see my husband and one set of neighbors – the neighbors usually outside. I would still run to the pharmacy or grocery store, masked, using copious amounts of hand sanitizer.

    • Anon

      I would really talk to your sister about this. I am pregnant and have lots of pregnant friends, and we are being very careful but not anything near what you are describing. There are not really any clear cut answers here other than what you and your family are comfortable with and what her doctor has specifically told her to do. I have read almost every study about pregnancy and COVID and determined my highest risk was early in the first trimester. I pretty much quarantined for most of my first trimester. After that, I determined that some social interactions were so important for my mental health that they outweighed the risk. I plan on being very strict again closer to my due date, and we will be very strict until the baby gets its first shots.

      Again, I think whatever your sister wants you to do is what you should do, but if this isn’t coming from her, you may be going overboard.

    • anon

      Other commentors have talked about what to do before seeing your family, but could you also consider a different way of seeing your family? Meeting outside with masks, or just even outside? This would take the pressure off the times before you see them

    • Seventh Sister

      I’d ask your pregnant sister what precautions she’d like you to take before you see her/the baby. That’s a pretty serious quarantine you’re doing for two weeks every month, and if it’s wearing on you, then you should try and figure out whether she’s OK with you doing less than you are right now.

  6. Anonymous

    Warning rant ahead. For context the friend is very much one of those faux SJW types. I mentioned something about donating blood and was met with an accusation of being homophobic, because obviously if I’m donating blood it’s because I hate the gays, never mind the fact that donation rules have been changed so my friend was just factually wrong. I wish it was socially acceptable to tell keyboard warriors like my friend that actions like donating blood are far more effective than an Instagram post, but I digress. This is my rant for today so thank you. No good deed goes unpunished.

    • Airplane.

      I think it IS socially acceptable to factually correct your friend who is levelling accusations at you based on a misconception they have.

      • Anonymous

        Holy h*ll. I am eyerolling your faux SJW friend right now. 1) let’s just let sickle-cell patients suffer and die without needed blood products (see — not very SJW now is she) and 2) hella misinformed. Are you also anti-hemophiliac and anti-military dependents (I guess that is OK to hate on for her) b/c many of them are banned (military dependents often have too much time in Europe at the wrong time). WTF. Cancer patients, people in car crashes, people needing transfusions; all expendable now?

        I have moved beyond eye rolling. I am shooting daggers from my eyes.

        Signed,
        Waiting for my next gallon pin

    • CountC

      You’re a better person than me because this friend sounds exhausting and I would have started to pull away already!

      I probably would have already made that response in some way shape or fashion, so kudos to you for holding back.

    • Anonymous

      It’s completely acceptable to tell your friend to shove it and stop being friends.

    • Anon

      No good deed goes unpunished! It’s literally impossible to do an action that is only good and has no negatives associated with it, and we all just have to do the best we can and do the most good we can. Giving blood is obviously in the more good than bad camp. Even with the old guidelines, which were homophobic, if everyone is upset by that and no one gives blood then we have no blood for those who need it. Is making a stance against homophobia worth people dying because there’s no blood? No!

      It’s like the people posting on Instagram about all of the bad things RBG did, so we shouldn’t be mourning her on this level. How dare people discount all the good she did, because they don’t agree with other cases she ruled on?

      • asdf

        Also, presumably RGB ruled on cases based on her judicial philosophy, not on her policy views.

    • Anon

      Wow, this makes no sense at all. The blood donation rules may be discriminatory, but anyone may find themselves in need of donated blood.

      • Anon

        (I mean, would they also ask a patient to refuse blood on this logic? What on earth?)

        • Anonymous

          Right!

          I have been a donor since turning 18 and I have always sensed that recipients were more likely to be poor and minority people or older people who are sick. In my area, a lot of blood goes to people with sickle cell disease, who are generally Black if not exclusively Black.

      • Anon

        I’m super confused too; anyone may need blood at any time including the people who aren’t allowed to give blood, so a blood shortage might actually kill someone in those categories but it’s more important to take a symbolic stance?

    • Anon

      Let’s translate: she’s too lazy and self-important to donate blood (only a small percentage of eligible donors actually donate), but wants to look down on people who do something that she doesn’t. So, boom, make an allegation of homophobia.

      It’s ridiculous and nasty, but it helps if you understand that it’s all about her propping up her own lame self-image and has nothing to do with people in car crashes or cancer patients.

      I’m not one for ditching friends over politics, but this isn’t actually about politics or policy. Keep your eyes open to see if she does this with other things and consider whether or not you still want to be around her.

      • Anon

        Yup. My brother is like this. He is a perpetual student. Kudos to him for being in a PhD program but he’s never really left the world of academia. He is mister SJW about anti-police and BLM all over Twitter. Now, don’t get me wrong, BLM is important. He is just as extreme as one can get about these issues.

        My husband is in federal law enforcement (very different from being a street cop) and we are so NOT thin blue line types. Anyway, my brother was posting some really really offensive stuff about law enforcement. I told him that I was taking it kind of personally as he knew I would see it and that my husband works in LE.

        Long story short, he blew up on me, I said look, we aren’t going to agree, just be safe out there protesting. (This is when things were HOT.) He was posting all kinds of protesting tips and numbers for bail and that sort of stuff.

        He responds, oh, I’ve been too busy with school to go to the protests.

        LMFAO. He was acting like he was posting from the streets and getting pepper sprayed with the journalists. NOPE. He was home and comfy behind his computer. At that point I just laughed him off and hid him on my social media.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        I mean, while it’s generally not a good idea to unfriend someone as a knee-jerk response to the slightest disagreement or antagonism, I have unfriended people over politics. In most cases, it’s someone I’ve known for a long time but came to realize our interactions are never pleasant and he only pops up to argue (often in bad faith or coming from a completely ridiculous point of view), or more recently, someone I “friended” years ago who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time, but he’d crawled out of the woodwork to defend the cops who shot Breonna Taylor and I was like “oh, okay, this isn’t someone I need to be connected with anymore.”

        If it’s someone I’ve been close with for years and we used to be really good friends, I probably wouldn’t unfriend without some serious “what the heck has gotten into you?” conversation.

        There are people who just need to criticize everything everyone does, and find fault with every supposedly “good” thing people try to do, and if OP’s friend has gone down this path, they’re going to be exhausting to have around, so I’d nip this in the bud.

    • Anon

      Honestly some people don’t grow up and it’s not worth staying friends with them.

    • Anon

      The restrictions on donating may seem like they are just blatant discrimination, but the FDA has said repeatedly that if they were to lift all of those restrictions, their modeling studies show that the presence of HIV in the blood supply would reach “unacceptable” levels. Someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but I do not believe the HIV screening protocols are 100% effective (is any test ever?), so if there are a lot more cases in the blood supply, then there are also more cases that are going to actually be transmitted to a recipient.

      Bottom line, think for yourself and ignore people who love to be simplistic in the name of social justice.

      • Anon

        From a blood safety perspective, we don’t worry about false positives (safe blood looking unsafe); we worry about false negatives (unsafe blood testing as safe). The false negatives with HIV testing usually come about via new infections; the viral load is too low to detect with our current blood tests. I think the number is about one in ten thousand will be false negatives. So the question is, who are the people most at risk of getting a new case of HIV that would not be detected?

        Fenway Health in Boston, which does fantastic advocacy work on behalf of the LGBT community, puts out the information: gay men are about 44 times as likely as the general population to get infected with HIV.

        There are a lot of very good reasons to not call AIDS a “gay disease:” it’s wrong from a public health perspective (plenty of people can get it, although it’s almost impossible for lesbians to transmit it to each other); wrong from a dignity perspective; and when diseases are associated with one group, especially a group that has experienced discrimination, funding disappears. However, men who have sex with men are at a significantly higher risk of this disease.

        I do not know what the solution is, but that’s the rationale.

        My own personal solution, being a person who is at an extremely low risk of transmitting blood-born diseases, is to donate blood frequently.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Whaaa?

      My only guess here is that she sees any participation in a system with prejudiced rules or procedures sends the message that you’re fine with that prejudice – which, to be clear, I don’t agree with, if she thinks this way she’s being ridiculous. I just like to at least try to see where people like this are coming from, and I hope it’s not taken as a defense of her actions. The reality is, refusing to donate blood isn’t going to change anything, but blood shortages which causes a lot more harm.

      But I have to ask, if this friend gay? Does she have gay friends who feel this way? Or was she just looking to scold someone so she could feel superior that day? Either way, I’d tell this person to pound sand.

    • Anon

      I vote for you telling your friend that that is a ridiculous stance: 1) that prohibition has been very much softened and 2) I feel like it’s your duty to point out to your friend that she is saying that a representative stance (that no one will know about or appreciate) in support of gay men is more important than the actual lives of people that need blood (which includes gay men). Honestly, she sounds like a horrible person and I’d distance myself in your shoes but, of course do what you want.

    • Anonymous

      what??? that is a ridiculous criticism about donating blood, and also its false now that gay men can’t donate (they can!). life is too short, unfriend the “friend”

    • anonymous

      thank you to everyone who does donate blood – I would be dead if not for six units of beautiful type A+. I would never have expected that I would need blood twice before age 30 but I did, and I’m so grateful it was available. Thank you for your time/hassle – I am so far too anemic to donate myself but taking my iron every day and hoping some day I can, and in the meantime I never miss a chance to thank blood donors.

      • Anon

        I’m hoping that you’re on the mend and doing better.

        As a frequent donor, thank you for saying this. Intellectually, I know we need a robust blood supply, but it’s really rare to hear people talk about how it helped them.

    • Anon

      So it would be better to let people (including gay people) die? Have you asked if she has a medical directive stating that she does not consent to a blood transfusion if she gets in an accident because she would rather die that participate in a system that discriminates against gay men?

      Seriously this is what is wrong with people who live their lives on Twitter/Tumblr and take ridiculous positions with no grounding in reality. These are the same people who do not vote because the available candidates do not 100% line up with their beliefs or “the system is corrupt.” And people who have fits about white people showing up for BLM protests because they “are making it all about them.” And who think “Believe Women” means believe every woman, including the ones who are really clearly, obviously not telling the truth. (And pointing out that they are really, clearly, obviously not telling the truth makes me a terrible feminist.) The real problem is that they want to feel superior about how righteous they are and how much they self-flagellate over the evils of done by their predecessors but do not actually want to do any of the real hard work involved in making things better.

      I would tell this person that the act of giving blood does more good for the world that all of the self-righteous social media posts in the world and then write her off until she grows the [blank] up.

      — Signed Friend of Someone Who Is Alive Because of Blood Transfusions

  7. Anon

    I’d like to get a smart watch mostly for two functions: 1) sleep tracking; 2) reminder to move periodically. I really like Garmin Vivomove’s design, but am not sure about these functionalities. I heard Fitbit has the best sleep tracking but that they make you pay a premium subscription. Can those who have either comment on whether the Fitbit sleep tracking subscription is worth it or whether Garmin’s sleep tracking is decent? Thanks!

    • Anon

      I just replaced a Fitbit charge 3 with a Garmin Vivoactive 4. I prefer the Fitbit for sleep tracking and prefer the Garmin for almost everything else.

      I’m not a great sleeper and I felt as though the Fitbit was more accurate. The Garmin seems to count my lying in bed as light sleep, even at times when I know I’m awake. You don’t need to pay for premium for the Fitbit but it does give you more info.

      Full disclosure though – I got rid of the Fitbit because it died after less than two years.

    • Anon

      This isn’t exactly what you asked, but I have a Fitbit Alta HR and the free version of the app tracks my sleep. It’s sort of basic (how much sleep I get and how much time I spend in each sleep stage), but it works well enough for me.

    • CHS

      I have the Garmin Vivoactive 4. Generally I love it, but with a few caveats: the sleep tracker is good but I agree it sometimes counts laying in bed wide awake in the middle of the night as light sleep. I wish! I mostly use it to track deep sleep and REM, since that’s more important to me anyway, and it does this well. I’ve also used the heart rate and pulse oximeter overnight, which is interesting but takes more battery. Good to know your own trends though so you can look for anomalies (especially if you buy into rising resting heart rate as an early indicator of covid). One thing that can be very annoying is that when you’re using these there’s a red light that flashes close to your wrist to get your rate/show it’s not tight enough against your skin, and that can be really bright at night (but I think it’s only a problem if you’re using these functions – HRM and oxygen – overnight, and it’s easy to turn them off for night time).

      Love that it tells you when to move; love that it automatically sets goals for steps and stairs and tells you when you reach them and adjusts them as you progress or backtrack; and tracking workouts is easy. Interestingly it also told me when I was having a panic attack one time by alerting me to my heart rate skyrocketing for a prolonged period of time without movement. I knew I was stressed but didn’t realize how much. I do love data though.

  8. Anonymous

    Can anyone recommend a good place to buy cute girls’ tennis apparel online? My 7 year old is now playing matches and needs a couple things to wear. I’ve found a couple options but if your kids have favorites or anything particularly cute I’d love recommendations!

    • Anonymous

      Does she need stuff with ball pockets? Or just athletic gear. If the latter, Old Navy has had cute athletic skorts but no ball pockets. I refuse to get spendy stuff for my kids unless as a special birthday gift, but even those don’t seem to have ball pockets. A pro shop will have the little girls bloomers that I think may have ball pockets, but I haven’t seen them in a while. If leggings have phone pockets, then a tennis ball will work in them. I have a lefty and most items wouldn’t work for her if they had ball pockets but phone pockets on leggings seem to be on both sides.

    • Blue racer

      Dickssportinggoods com has Prince Brand skorts that are adorable and have ball pockets. My 6 year old just started so we just got her some shorts that she can wear to soccer as well but if she does tournaments I would upgrade to some of these.

    • Anonymous

      The Athleta Girl Swing Skort is the cutest thing ever and has a ball pocket.

  9. Anon

    I quit my gym for good over the summer. I’ve been intermittently working out since but need to get more consistent. It feels as though everybody and their brother has bought a peleton. It’s not currently in my budget, but I’ll likely make that much in overtime this year.

    My concerns about the peleton are a) the ongoing cost for the monthly membership and b) is spinning going to get me to the fitness goals I want c) sticking with it. However, everyone I know who has one has been successful in actually using it, getting fit, etc

    • Clementine

      I got a Peloton during lockdown and have absolutely loved it. I’ve been active for a long time but haven’t been in this good of shape since I was a college athlete.

      If you’re not sure, I would suggest downloading the Peloton app which actually has a lot of non-Bike content now. Strength training classes, barre, outdoor runs and walk/runs. It’s a low commitment way of seeing if you like the ‘style’ before throwing down the bucks for a bike.

      • OP

        Yes – should have mentioned that I’ve had the app for the past few months now. I’ve liked the classes I’ve done, but admittedly I haven’t been working out much lately.

        I’m also a former college athlete who really let myself go. Would love to get back to anywhere close to that level again!

    • Airplane.

      I can’t speak to the peleton (I hate spinning) but I want to recommend gamifying working out if you are trying to improive consistency. So whether that is peleton or aaptive app or any workout program you choose, I think the key for me has been maintining my streak on an app, or making the 6x a week badge or 100 minutes medal, I get excited about entering my off-app workout. It’s basically trying to make all the bad addictive qualities of social media (snapchat streak, etc) and trying to make them work for you in a positive way.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. I’m still working on my Great Lakes goal on my rower. I’ve made it across Lake Ontario and I’m more than halfway across Lake Erie!

        • Airplane.

          That’s awesome pugs! I wish my preferred workouts had a visible or comparable distance goal like that (marathon distance, great lakes) but I like lifting weights and yoga….let me know if you think of anything!

        • 312

          That’s really cool. Are you recording this manually or through an app/program?

    • Anon

      Is cardio what you’re missing? If not, then a Peloton bike probably won’t scratch the itch.

      Do you already have a bike? If so, I’d get a smart trainer instead of a Peloton. A smart trainer will let you convert you existing bike to an indoor bike, and will be much cheaper than a Peloton. Zwift, Tacx, and others offer training subscriptions to use with any smart trainer. I have this set-up and I do love it. I love being able to pop over and get a great cardio workout in whenever I want, regardless of weather, without having to leave my apartment.

      • OP

        How often do you use your bike as a bike? I do have an existing bike, but I use it to commute to the office every day. I think that I’d be less likely to use a bike trainer, since I’d have to bring the bike up two flights of stairs, put it in the trainer and then workout.

        • Airplane.

          It would be cheaper to buy a dedicated bike for the trainer than a Peleton, right? That’s what my DH does – there’s a bike that’s always attached to the trainer.

          • OP

            hm never thought of that. But I do think that if I get a bike set up, I’d want an exercise bike rather than a second bike.

            My concern is actually would I get “biked out”, if you will? I enjoy biking to work, but I do it as a commute – not for fitness and certainly not training for a race or anything like that. When I did belong to a gym, I took spin classes but also took barre, body pump, bootcamp classes in addition to running on the treadmill or using the elliptical.

        • Anon OP

          I fell deep into cycling ha. My first adult bike was a nice road bike. I ended up putting that on the trainer and now it’s my indoor/race bike. I got a used hybrid bike for day to day use including commuting. It would be annoying to take a bike on and off the trainer daily.

          Would cardio-oriented lifting be a better fit for you? I think some Les Mills and Fitness Blender are mixed strength/cardio workouts. That way you get a break from cycling for your commute.

    • anon

      I got a Schwinn ic3 and a cadence tracker + use the peloton app. I am really liking the barre classes, especially since I can do them in the same space where I work if I need a quick pick-me-up. I track if I worked out or not in a paper calendar and that’s motivating to me. My goal is small, 3 workouts a week at least 20 minutes – that’s it. Hope this is helpful?

    • Anonymous

      i got the peloton a few months pre- stay at home (totally lucky, no forethought) and we have LOVED it during the last year. i started out only doing spinning classes but now i actually really enjoy the outdoor guided runs as well, and the yoga classes. they just added some basic barre too. i think it depends on what your fitness goals are. mine were weight less, general cardio fitness, and i do think it has helped me accomplish those. i just got some dumbbells so i will be trying some of the strength classes now. anyway at 39/mo for me, if i work out 10 times a month i feel pretty good about the cost, and it is helpful to motivate me to be consistent to make the payment “worth it”

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Spinning is amazing cardio, and if you’re looking to lose weight and/or gain stamina, I can’t recommend it enough. I don’t have my own bike because I live in a small city apartment and we just don’t have the space for big equipment right now, but when we buy a house I do plan on eventually getting a spin bike and rowing machine to build out a small home gym.

      • Airplane.

        Oof YMMV clearly, but just to show a diffeeent perspective, cardio was the worst exercise for fat loss / body recomp for me. It was much better to eat more protein less to fat/carbs and to lift weights.

    • Out of Place Engineer

      Maybe check out how people have done a faux-Peloton. I bought a (much less expensive) indoor exercise bike, a wahoo cadence sensor, and the Peloton digital app. I have the cadence sensor on my phone and play the app on my Roku TV. It is working out pretty well for me! You don’t get quite the same community feel as if you have the actual Peloton bike, but that’s not what I am there for. I love that the instructors push me more than if I was doing it on my own (like cycling while watching a TV show) and it is a really good workout. And there are lots of non-cycling workouts on the digital app, too.

  10. Anonymous

    Dumb Q, but: if I care about the environment but don’t want a natural deodorant like Native – and actually want antipersperant – what’s the one to get? I thought I read something about how aluminum is proven fine but the chemicals in fragranced products are bad… but I can’t find it now.

    • Anon

      Would any unscented deodorant you can buy at a drugstore work? If you want one that contains aluminum I doubt there’s much difference otherwise other than making sure the packaging is recyclable.

    • Anon

      I have a reaction to the fragrances in antiperspirants and have learned that most have some even if they say its scent free or for sensitive skins. I have found two that work for me Almay (gel) and one by Arm & Hammer. Almay is available at some drug stores and Walmart. The Arm & Hammer one without any fragrances is only at Walmart. Carefully read the ingredients.

  11. Clementine

    I know conceptually that the uber rich have ways of not paying taxes. I’m somebody who sees taxes as part of the cost of living in a civil society.

    …but something about reading the NYTimes document on Trump’s actual taxpaying practices literally made me see red.

    Anyone else?

      • Anonymous

        While I am not a Trump supporter AT ALL and plan to vote for Biden, I did think the headline was obviously inflammatory and quite a bit misleading. Buried mid-way through the article is the fact that Trump paid millions in alternative minimum tax (AMT), which I consider federal income tax. FWIW, I’m a CPA. But I also agree that he’s almost certainly vastly cheating the tax system out of millions of taxes owed. I just think it’s wrong to say he paid $750 in federal income tax.

        • Anonymous

          He only paid the AMT in a handful of years. There were many years in which he paid little to no federal income tax.

    • Anon

      Yes, but literally everything about this man has had me seeing red for the past 4 years, so no change there. Although I see less red when it comes to him than when it comes to his idiot supporters. I spent my entire adult life having respect for both democrats and republicans, but I just can’t muster any respect for republicans anymore. It’s like a different species where racism and sexism and hating the lower socio-economic classes is acceptable as long as they get more power and more money, and it’s disgusting.

      And like you, I see taxes as part of living in a society that is the kind of society I want to live in. We pay a lot in taxes. And we should! Because we make a lot of money! And the field will always need leveling.

    • Anonymous

      I was mostly shocked he ever paid anything. I’m sure he thinks he is winning if he doesn’t pay taxes and honestly his supporters will think this makes him so smart because why give the government your money if you don’t have to.

      • Anon for this

        Yeah I texted my dad, a Trumpicrat, about it and his response was “yes he is a greedy scam artist. it is what it is.” Like the fact that they either just dont give a d@mn or actively think its great is mind-bogging.

    • anon a mouse

      His tax strategies are questionable and seem to be unethical, if not necessarily outright illegal.

      Honestly I’m more concerned about the fact that he apparently owes more than $300M personally that comes due in the next four years. Who is holding the president’s debt? HUGE national security implications. (That have always been there, but holy smokes, this is extremely alarming.)

      • Anonymous

        This. I’d be surprised if Putin hasn’t bought up that debt ages ago. He plays a long game and is clearly using DT to instigate with China.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously! In my country government officials have their financials audited as part of their security clearance because it’s a national security concern if you can leverage someone’s financial situation. I can not believe a president owes so much money, that could be used against him.

        • Anon

          In the US your financials are part of your security clearance too. The president just doesn’t have to go through the clearance process. I was discussing this with my very liberal dad. I was dismayed that things that would get my husband fired are no problem for the president and he can keep his clearance. My dad pointed out that you could subvert election results if you could just deny an elected official a security clearance. I’m curious if the lack of background check applies to all elected officials or just the president?

      • Anon

        Same. Who is he beholden to and how is that affecting what he does?

        I read the article too and it confirmed what I suspected. That’s why he’s refused to release them and has been fighting hard to keep them secret — at best it’s embarrassing, at worst it’s criminal.

      • anon

        I agree that this is alarming.

        But I also wanted to add that my white collar crime prof from law school posted that 45’s tax strategies amount to bank fraud and tax fraud.

      • NY CPA

        That is a terrifying thought that hadn’t occurred to me. Thanks for making me aware.

    • Anon

      I’m actually more concerned about the multiple felonies involved in this – the disclosure and, separately, the printing of the returns or summary of returns. I don’t care how much you dislike the man, this is downright illegal and has rather frightening implications for political activism in the future. We saw what happened with the IRS under Obama; we know that Chuck Palin went from getting audited never to audited every single year; hell, Lerner took the Fifth with fairly obvious implications that this stuff wasn’t aboveboard.

      But every single “progressive” in America is cheering and can’t figure out that this is actually a FELONY.

      • Anon

        My husband worked for the IRS and he was aghast when the news broke. It is a very.big.deal. That said, whoever did it is probably okay going to prison over it but that doesn’t necessarily make it right. Have they explained how they actually got it? I’m assuming a rogue IRS employee.

        • anon

          I would have guessed someone at one of his lending institutions. If he truly does personally guaranty some of the real estate loans (which is mind boggling to me given the assumed leverage and quality of the assets), he would have to provide his PFS for the initial underwriting and on going annual reviews of those loans. Those are touched by countless people and possibly even saved in a somewhat public place on internal drives.

          • Anon

            True. And to be clear, my husband dislikes DJT as much as the next person. He just knows how restricted things were at the IRS and how much trouble you got into if you so much peaked at your neighbors taxes out of curiosity. They had countless trainings on the consequences of looking at someone’s data you did not have a legitimate reason to access. In addition to the employment consequences, there were criminal consequences, with their own law enforcement department that enforced it.

        • Anon

          Given that they also obtained the tax returns and compensation information of “hundreds” of Trump’s employees, it’s almost certainly a rogue IRS employee.

          To all, I suggest reading up on the statutes. It is a felony to disclose these things when you have access to them but not permission to disclose – as a government employee, a tax preparer, anyone. It is also a felony to publish illegally obtained tax returns.

          • Anon

            Your last sentence is legally fraught – there are a whole bunch of exceptions to this. Please explain (1) how you know that the tax returns were illegally obtained, (2) how you know that the NYT was aware that they were illegally obtained and (3) your analysis regarding weighing in the first amendment to this. Just because a statute exists does not mean its constitutionally supportable either on its face or in a specific case (see, e.g., 95% of Supreme Court cases)

      • Anon

        What if it’s a rogue employee at his accounting firm? Would that still be a felony? Just curious.

      • Anonymous

        This would be a non-issue if he’s released them like every other presidential candidate.

        Not sure why you think it’s totally fine for him to lie and break the law but no one else can release any info on him? How about you hold him to the same standard you hold ‘progressives’?

      • Anon

        I literally don’t care about that at all. This is the definition of civil disobedience. I’m glad for whichever brave soul did an immense public service.

        • Anonymous

          Agree. I’m more disturbed that a Reality Winner is still in jail while Manafort, Cohen, and Flynn are not

        • anon a mouse

          Yes, sometimes loyalty to country demands it. We never would have seen the Pentagon Papers without some civil disobedience, remember.

      • Anonymous

        This doesn’t bother me. He’s not a private citizen, I’m not sure why his tax records should be protected. Then again, if they published my tax records on the front page, I’d have nothing to be embarrassed about. I don’t cheat on my taxes or pretend to be richer than I am. It’s a nice way to live.

      • anon

        Hmmm please explain the part that is a felony about the reporting/printing? I get that if someone at the IRS leaked this it’s a felony but I also think it’s much much more likely they were leaked by a disgruntled employee. It’s also possible that they were carelessly left somewhere unprotected.

        • Anon

          ohhhh, you think one of Trump’s employees leaked it? That’s an interesting take I hadn’t heard yet.

          • Anon

            Given the complexity of his tax returns, there are hundreds of people outside the IRS that probably have/had access to them. I think he has a track record of treating people horribly and it’s therefore much more likely in my mind that one of his many current or former employees with access leaked it than a government employee who has a lot to lose by leaking (although that’s certainly also possible). I also think he runs a very sloppy organization and probably record keeping and access controls are not what they should be either within his organization or at one of his many shady/unprofessional advisors that would have access to these records. I would not be shocked if someone left them laying around for someone to find.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Yes but I grew up in a part of the country where people will always follow him to their own detriment, and can hear them saying “well it ain’t his fault he just played the system like a good businessman” already. Not going to change anything. He was right, he could shoot someone on park avenue and it wouldn’t change anything. Anyone whose mind can be changed has changed it.

      • Anonymous

        He would legit straight up shoot someone Rittenhouse style if he thought it would help him beat Biden.

      • anon

        Yep, exactly this. Like every other damning piece of evidence against him, this means absolutely nothing and will change nothing. Sorry to sound so cynical, but I still can’t believe this POS is in the White House.

    • Anonymous

      Let me preface this by saying I do not like Trump, and I am not voting for him. I am a commercial real estate attorney so the amount of debt on some of these properties, and the fact that he is a guarantor does not surprise me. The balances of the individual loans don’t surprise me. I don’t get involved in my clients taxes, so I don’t know specifically how one calculates the depreciation to take for putting on the tax return, etc. For any guarantor on a CRE loan, the lender’s underwriting process involves looking at the guarantor’s financials. While the overall amount for a single person to guaranty is a LOT, that would be up to the various lending institutions to determine if it’s too risky.

      I am confused by this – when it says that he only paid $750, is that the amount he paid on April 15th (or whenever he filed)? Or is $759 the total amount for the entire year? I mean, some years I’ve paid $200 at tax time, but that doesn’t count the tens of thousands I’ve paid throughout the year.

        • Anon

          Someone above says he paid a large AMT. Don’t know if that’s correct. Haven’t read the articles yet.

      • Anon

        I agree. Similarly do not like him and am not voting for him. I’m a transactional CRE professional on the finance side. A portion of the stuff in the article was fine. I’m not denying there is a lot of shady, some potentially felonious (Ivanka the full-time employed consultant) and unquestionably unethical stuff in there as well, but there was a lot about his real estate holdings, debt and balances that was just not a big deal to the educated eye.

      • Anonanonanon2

        Total after getting a huge refund for writing off all of the money he claims to have lost in his businesses and properties that depreciated.

      • Anonymous

        Line 56 on the old Form 1040 was total taxes expense after applying credits. What you’re thinking of is the payment/refund due amount that is further down the form. However, it’s important to point out that one of the “credits” he took was for millions of dollars paid in alternative minimum taxes of $24M over 7 years per the article. Alternative minimum tax was created exactly for this purpose–to prevent rich people from avoiding tax bills entirely.

      • Anon

        I think it’s $750 period. My very basic understanding is that his losses exceeded his income and it’s possible to pay that little.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks! That’s what I thought it was, but the wording as the clear. I didn’t think to pull up the form….

  12. Shaun Leane

    I’ve gotten sucked into Shaun Leane’s Insta ads, and have learned a bit about the company’s background. The jewelry looks beautiful and interesting to me, and I’m quite tempted. Can anyone speak to the quality, longevity, and overall look of the jewelry?

  13. Coleman camping stove recipes

    Y’all, I can cook in a house with a refrigerator nearby but I am new to camping (car camping). I could subsist off of raisenettes and peanut M&Ms and cereal, but others seem to prefer meals. The kicker is that I don’t like eggs or egg-based things.

    Good internet resources? Or good cookbooks for this sort of cooking? I feel like I need to be a sort of quartermaster, which is just not how my brain is wired, but I want to learn b/c 1) this is my travel option for the foreseeable future and 2) camping is actually pretty fun even if it is like 5x the work of going to a hotel via plane (for me at least; perhaps this will change over time).

    Also: maybe I can learn to like eggs or egg-based dishes, but there will be baby steps for that, too (me + kids and I don’t know if the kids or I dislike eggs more; they were offered wonderful egg dishes each day in daycare for years and refused them all, so it’s not like they haven’t been exposed previously; I got a bad egg once and now only eat deviled eggs and am scared to do anything mayonaise-based as travel food).

    • Ribena

      If you’re car camping you can get a cooler that plugs into the car socket. We used to use that for bacon etc. Otherwise, cans are your friends! Campfire chili: canned beans, canned tomatoes, one or two onions, plenty of dried spices. Delicious.

    • Anonymous

      Pancakes from a mix, pasta with sauce, chili with cheese were our family camping staples.

      • Anonymous

        OP here — the crowd that we camp with sometimes is into eggs. So that is what we are exposed to (and then pack more things so no one gets hangry). I’d like to volunteer to cook or have to skills to go solo or in a smaller group, but need to develop skills and an idea of what is a good recipe, how to scale up/down, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I’m confused by all the egg references? I rarely eat eggs when camping. Bring a cooler filled with ice, you’ll need to replace the ice depending on how long you are going for.

      Breakfasts – oatmeal, pancakes (buy the just add water mix), bacon, yoghurt, cold cereal (summer camping. Lunches – hot dogs, soup (packaged or make your own from broth + carrots/potatoes etc). Dinner – for the first night, we almost always make slow cooker chili at home while we are packing up and just reheat that at the site, other options are steak, hamburgers, tacos, chicken etc. For snacks, pretzels, bananas, apples, trail mix, smores etc are good options.

    • Anon

      We car camped as our family vacations growing up.I think subsisting on raisinettes and peanut M&Ms and cereal is a great plan! We had a coleman stove, but did limited ‘cooking’ on it. My tips are 1) cereal for breakfast is great! Make bacon if you want (we also always had Entemann’s, but that’s a Long Island childhood) . 2) Make food at home (chili, potato salad, etc) and bring it so you just need to warm it. Freeze it (when possible) in ziplocks and keep it in your cooler. It’ll be fine for a few days on ice. 3) lots of burgers and hot dogs for dinners.

    • Clementine

      I may have said this before but we use camping as the opportunity to eat so many foods that we would never feed the kids at home (also, this is what my parents did).

      Those little tiny boxes of sugar sweetened cereals? Muffins that are really just unfrosted cupcakes? Rice-A-Roni? Hamburger Helper? Spaghetti-O’s? The almighty Fluffernutter (try it as a panini. You’re welcome.) Sure kids, go wild. A lot of the processed stuff doesn’t need refrigeration (even Velveeta – which freaks me out) so it’s great for camping, includes all the seasonings already in the box AND is a fun experience for the kids to try.

      Also, we got a knock-off Yeti Cooler (I think it’s an Igloo brand?) that keeps ice frozen solid for 24 hours and keeps stuff in there cold for like 36. It makes it easier to keep perishables.

    • anon

      I don’t believe that I’ve ever had eggs while camping.

      Lots and lots of PB+J/PB sandwiches. It’s literally the only time I eat PB+J. With car camping, you can definitely bring a cooler with things that will keep cold for a few days (caveat that I’m not too concerned about food safety).

      You mentioned that camping is your new form of travel – I’ve often camped just outside of a town and we’ve either gone out to eat or gotten take out and brought it back to the campsite too.

    • Anonanonanon2

      I got a thing that goes over my Coleman stove and turns it into an oven and it’s awesome. With that, I do those muffin mixes that you just add 1/2 cup of milk to, and cut up some apples or peel some oranges or bananas as a side of fruit. I pack those horizon organic juiceboxes of milk for milk.
      For the cooler, I freeze water bottles or water jugs to use as the ice. We have an old not fancy cooler and it works fine.
      Bisquick has containers of pancake mix where you just add water to a fill line and shake the mix then pour into a pan.
      Knorr makes packs of “pasta sides” or flavored rices that you could do with canned chicken for a meal. Canned chili and roast hot dogs over the fire so you have chili dogs (or just chili).
      Pinterest will have a lot of suggestions.

    • Anon

      Just here to speak to your egg aversion; yes, you can get over it if you really want to. I HATED eggs my whole life. I would only eat them scrambled without milk, covered in ketchup, even as an early adult. Then I was diagnosed with a medical issue where I couldn’t eat dairy or gluten. Eating eggs became a necessity if you wanted something to eat when traveling and the only option was a hotel restaurant or airport store.

      I basically force fed myself hard boiled eggs under the guise of this is calories and protein and you will make it to your next stop. The more I had to eat them, the more I sort of started liking them. Now I eat an egg sandwich on gluten free waffles most mornings for breakfast.

      If you look at food as sustenance instead of something tasty, you can choke down a lot of things. Looking at you gas station peperoni.

    • Anon B

      I generally prefer not to cook raw eggs while camping because there’s a lot of gooey waste to deal with during the cooking, when there is no sink around. Some ideas instead:

      Protein
      – “Peak Refuel” freeze dried breakfast skillet
      – Starkist “Tuna Creations” vacuum sealed pouches (we’re partial to the lemon pepper variety)
      – Epic “Uncured Bacon Bits” pouch
      – McDougall’s vegan split pea soup (the dry kind that comes in blue/green containers, mix in the bacon bits listed above)
      – pre-cooked sausages
      – canned sprouts, sardines, etc
      – nuts in almost everything

      Carbs
      – Osem Israeli cous cous (big pearls, makes for a tasty camp breakfast with chopped up dates, almond bits, sauteed onions, sausage, chicken/veggie stock)
      – Terrasoul Superfoods medjool dates, also Terrasoul Calimyrna Figs (from Amazon)
      – Ezekiel original or golden flax cereal (the high-protein/low-sugar kind)
      – freeze-dried fruit incl blueberries
      – Apples (stored separately from other food)
      – Wasa or Ryvita crackers instead of bread (longer shelf life)
      – Parbroiled brown rice (this fast-cooking rice is an MVP on a camping trip)
      – “Organic Made in Nature” dried mangos “sweet & tangy supersnacks”
      – various bean pastas
      – Lotus Foods rice ramen
      – pre-cooked polenta (comes in plastic tube)
      – freeze-dried veggies (prolly need to order these online unless Rainbow Grocery has such things)

      Other
      – Jason almond butter or hazelnut chocolate packets
      – long-shelf life almond, soy or other nut milk
      – ghee (convenient because doesn’t require refrigeration)
      – pre-sliced cheese, shredded cheddars, individually-wrapped mozzarella string cheese
      – for fresh nutrients, small boxes of cherry tomatoes and various sprouts/micro-greens bought along the way abd thrown into almost every savory dish (cook the tomatoes, add microgreens while serving), and blueberries, raspberries for dessert or breakfast
      – squeeze bottles of avocado oil and olive oil
      – bucket for dish-washing, big plastic box with lid for clean dishes

      • Anonanonanon2

        Containers of egg beaters can freeze and are less messy than eggs in the shell. Camping is the only time I use egg beaters

    • Nesprin

      When i camp i usually plan for cold Breakfasts- so muffins or cereal or pbj sandwiches or instant oatmeal since i never want to start a fire in the am (notable exception: coffee pot/hot water for tea on the coleman grill). I usually plan for pancakes one day only- put bisquick in a ziplock baggie and add the required amount of milk or water that am. Alternatives: french toast or fried bread. Lunches are usually cold too since who wants to stop to cook over a fire in the middle of the day – sandwich stuff or salads or the like. Cheese+ Salami+ cut up veggies also goes over well. Maybe pack a packet of hotdogs or burgers for one day with no hikes.
      Dinners are usually the only meal that needs work- I plan to start cooking at twilight and eat after dark. Good dinners are burgers and hot dogs cooked over a grate or steak sandwiches if youre feeling fancy, chilis and stews (from can or from smoked sausage+ prechopped onions and veg) Foil packet dinners: chicken or another quick cooking meat and veggies and potatoes wrapped in foil and cooked over coals. Spaghetti cooked in canned sauce can be done but dont boil spaghetti since you have no where to dump out the water. Basically one pot meals that dont require more rhan a spoon is what youre looking for.

    • Anonymous

      Here’s what we typically eat while camping. We have a coleman campstove, a small charcoal grill, and we take a big cooler.
      Breakfast: breakfast burritos, oatmeal, yogurt and granola, fruit, pancakes (pre-make the mix or get the kind you just add water to) and bacon, cereal, pan dulce from the local panaderia on the way out of town.
      Lunch: peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese croissant sandwiches (buy croissants from the local bakery), quesadillas with guacamole, hot dogs
      Dinner: burgers, grilled chicken, pork chops, fajitas, spaghetti, frito pie, tacos
      Snacks: trail mix, chips, fruit, granola bars, smores after dinner
      Drinks: we take a couple 6 gallon containers of water and each kid has a stainless steel water bottle. They can have water and they can make gatorade from the powder. Adults have beer and wine too lol.

    • anon

      Here’s what “we” (aka DH who does all the cooking) usually makes:
      Breakfast: pancakes, eggs, bacon on the stove (we usually have two), or cold breakfast with hot beverages
      Lunch: Assorted deli meats/chips/fruit/leftovers
      Dinner: Something sous-vided ahead of time that we grill over the fire (we have a cast iron grill pan that’s perfect for this, as well as a rack we can set over the grate) – tri tip or chicken usually, grilled shrimp or other skewers (often marinated at home), something prepared ahead of time that gets reheated, like chili or pulled pork or tacos, grilled skirt steak tacos (again, on the cast iron grill pan – he makes the marinade at home and then marinates day of), hot dogs/burgers/sausages, pizzas (we started with a parbaked crust and wrapped in foil)
      Dessert: we’ve had the most success with fruit crisp in the Dutch oven (I made the pioneer women’s apple crisp last time and it was delicious, or AB’s berry crisp).

      Most of the keys to success are prepping ahead of time to reduce mess and shlepping ingredients.

        • anon

          Oh, SORRY. We sous-vide ahead of time. Then it gets cooled and goes into the cooler, still in its ziplock bag. We do that kind of thing a lot (I say we like I *ever* do it).

    • Anonymous

      Instant mashed potatoes. Any sort of processed food that is “add water” is fine. Anything canned is fine. Anything that’s in a bag you boil in water (premade rice etc) is easy.

      Lots of veggies are fine for room temperature storage. Tomatoes, avocados, potatoes, other root vegetables, garlic, onion, citrus fruits etc. Let’s say you bring tortillas, cans of refried beans, tomatoes, avocados onion and lime: bean tacos. Maybe you have SW beans, chili, a can of tomatoes and rice in a bag: chili sin carne.

      Nutella on campfire-toasted bread.

      Hotdogs, breadsticks, s’mores and corn on the cob in the camp fire. Roasted potatoes in the camp fire. Bring stuff in cans and make it loaded roasted potatoes. Bring foil.

      Are you fishing? Grilled fish with mash.

  14. Kara

    Just applied to a job that had this on the end of the application

    What is your desired salary for this role? (NA or Negotiable or “Market rate” are not sufficient answers.) Please include Base and Total Compensation *

    It seemed so rude! Yeah no wonder you’ve been getting answers like that, job seekers don’t want to answer that before they’ve even talked to the company.

    • anon

      The snarky side of me thinks you should answer “I expect my salary to be at least 20% above the salary you paid you last man who fulfilled this role for your company”.
      I understand that’s not the right answer, but just because you ask out of bounds questions like that (given an interview hasn’t even occurred yet) you aren’t entitled to in depth answers.

    • Pink

      Granted, this was in a much better economic climate, but I have twice (twice!) negotiated a much higher salary than anticipated by answering this question with a number that was 30% above my “nice to have” salary. I figure if you ask a stupid question…

    • Monday

      That’s annoying. How did you handle it? Does the input field require numbers? $000,000? They can’t disqualify everyone who refuses to answer if everyone refuses to answer.

    • Anonymous

      They are asking for desired salary not your current salary. If the company is not going to disclose the salary range (which they should just do), knowing your desired salary can save you and the company from wasting time. As others have mentioned, you should be aiming high anyway. You don’t want to go through rounds of interviews and then find out their best offer is one you would never accept. I’ve been on both sides of this coin.

      • Anon

        Yeah, we know this. I don’t think OP was asking for advice, I think she just wanted to vent about how dumb it is.

        • Anon

          But it’s not dumb. They are telling you specifically how to fill out the form. Many places will automatically toss your application if you don’t comply.

          • Cat

            The instructions aren’t dumb, the premise of the requirement is dumb. asking a candidate to put out a number with no additional context for the role is only asking for people to compete against themselves.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      That’s so annoying. I don’t know if anyone really has number in mind for “total compensation.” I have a desired salary and a minimum salary I’m willing to settle for, and I have a good idea of what benefits are standard for my industry and what’s considered above average. I will say I can be flexible on salary if the benefits package is amazing, but only if they’re offering benefits I’m actually going to use and would save me money over the course of the year.

  15. Anonymous

    Pandemic question — what’s your feeling about going out “shopping” at a mall. And by mall I mean one of those decrypt old malls on the verge of closing so we’re not talking like Tysons or Mall of America or anything like that that’s bustling with shoppers? We’re talking an anchor store that will have 20 cars outside it on a weekday for an entire anchor store. I’ve been in a don’t go anywhere unnecessarily camp for months, but older parents (age 70+) now find themselves needing a few items that they can’t easily get online plus are going crazy to go to the “mall” — as this was their only outing. I’ve been talking them out of this for months and they seem to stand down but as they KEEP mentioning this and “seeking approval” — I find myself thinking — they’re in a state with great masking (NJ) and I could convince them to go at like 2 pm on a Tuesday when most people would be remote working or schooling, is this different than a grocery store? Frankly I think there are less people going thru there than Target. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      I’m in NJ and haven’t been to aMall yet but from what I hear it’s no busier than my grocery store or Target and I would go if I needed things. I don’t think I’d go just for the pure a Jersey joy of wandering a mall yet, but I’d go into Nordstrom and walk to the bookstore.

    • Anon

      It seems like that’s what they want to do and are willing to accept the risk (mitigated by the lack of traffic at a non-busy time and good masking practices), so seems fine to me.

    • Anon

      I just had to go to mine this weekend. My glasses broke and that’s where lenscrafter is. We were two of 5 people in the entire mall. I think this is as safe as it gets. It was so empty, I actually mentioned to my husband going there to walk in inclement weather. Way safer than a gym. I was mostly kidding. I’m not that old yet. Anyway, I probably wouldn’t go out just to browse but if I needed to get something, I would not be concerned about going there.

    • Cat

      I don’t see how the fact that the store is in a mall makes this any different than going to get something necessary at the grocery store, hardware store, drugstore, etc.

      I’m not going into shops to hang out and browse but, for example, if I’m making a return to Talbots or JCrew, I’m encountering probably 1-2 other people inside rather than 10-15 inside the post office. And spending less time inside to boot. So I’m going in the store.

    • LaurenB

      I think it’s fine. It’s very easy to social distance in a mall like this. And you’re in a high-mask part of the country (the northeast for the win).

    • anon

      I’m not in NJ, but I went into Macy’s in our mall as soon as it reopened (I believe in May) to return an item I had purchased in store. There were very few customers, and the employees were masked and behind plexi glass. It was definitely lower risk than the grocery store and Home Depot, which I’ve been in many times during the pandemic.

    • Anonymous

      I think those old malls in NJ where lots of stores are up for rent are WAY emptier than Target, Walmart, Home Depot, and grocery stores and most people have been going to all of those places. I think I’d encourage them to make a list and just go directly to those sections, get what they came for and leave. I.E. it’s not “go to the mall” to spend an afternoon (because even if it’s empty it’s a public space and others have walked thru and breathed in there) — it’s more of a — go to housewares for that kitchen knife; the winter section for new slippers; and the book section to pick up a particular book; if they have these things great, if not keep moving and don’t say — hmm I think this mall had another bookstore let’s go walk over to the other side of the mall and see.

    • Anonymous

      Off topic — I’m in NJ and every time I drive by our local Barnes and Noble, it is pretty packed — like the lot is 3/4 full at all times. So I have a feeling that people are not only going to quickly grab a book they preordered but also browsing a bit.

      While I would NOT be comfortable with that set up as it just seems like too much indoor crowding for something that is unnecessary (and because it happens in B&N often that you’re reading/browsing and so caught up in what you’re looking at, you don’t realize that someone else is right next to you) — I think I would be comfortable going to a quiet mall on a weekday afternoon with some sort of “plan” — i.e. a shopping list and a mental idea that’ll I enter here, go to x department and buy x, y department and buy y, and check to see if they have z and exit. I feel like I’d plan to be in and out in a certain # of minutes — like a half hr or 45 min — so I didn’t end up wandering just to see what they had.

    • anne-on

      I just went to a mall the other week to do a complex return (half back on a card, part to a gift card) to an anchor store. It was a weekday, midday, and it was pretty much empty. I was in and out in about 10-15 minutes. I parked far away, took stairs, and was masked the whole time.
      I honestly don’t see a problem with it if they’re doing a quick in/out with masks on and not lingering, especially midday on a weekday.

    • Anonymous

      It depends. I went to my local Nordstrom recently and I was one of two customers in the entire store, there was plexiglass at the registers, and everyone was masked. I would totally go back. By contrast, I briefly stepped inside a Macy’s and left immediately because it was too crowded for my comfort. I think it really just depends on what’s popular in your area.

    • Anon

      I haven’t been to a mall (I didn’t like them in the Before Times so this isn’t out of character anyway) but I went to a CVS that was so bad with spacing and masking that I gave up and walked out. Malls must be better than that. If your parents keep their masks on, maintain 6’ distance, and are willing to walk away if it’s too crowded, I don’t really think it’s high risk, and I am super cautious. I didn’t go anywhere except to a couple of doctors appointments from March to July.

      They should also have mini bottles of hand sanitizer on them in case they touch things at the mall. I know it’s not the most common transmission method, but my doctor friends are doing this so I do as well.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Personally, no, I haven’t really considered going to a mall these days. Maybe if I really needed to return something I ordered, or if a store I liked was having a special in-store only sale and I could just go in, get what I needed, and get out quickly without needing to try things on . . . but it just doesn’t seem worth the risk to go to a mall just for fun. But as the weather gets cooler, I could see people going to their local mall just so they can walk around somewhere warm and inside. I can’t say I’d hold it against someone if they mentioned going to the mall, I might think “hm, that sounds reckless” but I’m trying not to act like the self-appointed Pandemic Police.

    • Anonyz

      In my area, these types of malls are what senior citizens use to walk during the extreme hot and cold times of the year. Our town prioritized opening the malls even when the stores themselves were not yet open, so the elderly would have a climate-controlled place to exercise.

    • Allie

      It’s nice that your parents are willing to even check with you about this. I think it’s fine for a short outing. NJ’s rates are low so now’s the time to do all these things before any winter spike.

    • Anonymous

      Had to go to Tyson’s on a weekday last month for something. I generally avoid the mall bc of crowds and had not been in over a year. I was happy to see that people were wearing masks, hand sanitizer was easily found and it was rather quiet.

  16. Sub-3 Rate Hunter

    Morning all! When rettes has said they were getting below 3% rates on their mortgage loans, where were y’all getting that quote? Hubby and I were quoted 3.125 (with no points) from two local banks in Maryland. We’re putting 20% down, have 800+ credit, and relatively high income to debt ratio, so I’d think we’d be eligible for the best rates out there. Anyone have luck with Wells Fargo, USAA, or anywhere local to the DMV we ought to try? Open to any other advice on the topic!

    • Anonymous

      Are you looking at jumbo, conventional, or FHA loans? Have you tried talking to a credit union? For some reason, our credit union (which we joined specifically to get our mortgage several years ago) is able to access competitive rates.

    • BB

      Are you getting a jumbo loan? That immediately put it over 3% for us when we were shopping for rates. The sub 3% rates were all for conforming loans.

      • Anon

        +1, we did a refi a few months ago and got 3.125 but we have a jumbo. We couldn’t get any sub 3 rates.

    • OP

      OP here. Looking at a conventional 30-year loan. The loan would be for about $400k.

      • Anon

        Local credit unions, tiny little banks. Those have been the most aggressive. I refi’d in August at 3.0% even on a 30-year fixed, jumbo loan in Massachusetts.

        Also, consider a mortgage broker. Get a personal referral from a broker friend or someone else, but there is no cost to you.

      • BeenThatGuy

        3% for a jumbo is a good rate.

        I just locked in 2.75% on a conventional 15 year refi (down from 4.375% 30 year).

      • Senior Attorney

        We were quoted 2.5% for about the same size loan from Quicken Loans, but with a point.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have student loans or car loans? The person who processed my mortgage mentioned that having no other debts helped with getting a great rate.

    • Anon

      Is it a condo perhaps? There is typically a hit to pricing with condos.

      The other thing to consider is that some lenders have pushed their rates up for a variety of reasons. To combat excessive volume in some cases and sometimes just because they can.

      That said, I know locking in a great rate is important but for the purposes of purchasing, I’d focus on the lender that can perform in a timely manner. The lowest rate may be severely backed up with volume. A slow close could jeopardize your purchase.

      On the other hand, be mindful of refinancing too quickly. Most lenders will be charged a huge fee (owed by them, not you) if you refinance the loan too quickly (typically they ask that you hold the loan for 6 months).

      Also, 3.125% is a historically fantastic rate. If you got stuck with that for 30 years it is still pretty lucky.

    • anonyK

      Look into Pentagon Federal credit union. Small membership fee. Best rates for our last mortgage. They are kind of a pain to deal with in terms of paperwork, but were definitely the cheapest.

      • Associate

        +1 for PenFed with low rates. SUPER ANNOYING to deal with in terms of paperwork and delays. Significant delays. Almost had a meltdown on the phone because we were going to miss closing type of delays. But very low rates.

    • Anon

      I have a mortgage broker I love but can’t recommend her to you as I’m on the west coast. Ask your local friends. One of your friends will have someone they think is amazing.

      The great thing about mortgage brokers vs a single bank is that they tap many markets and can choose one that has the best rate the day you lock in. It really doesn’t matter which lender as something like 90% of mortgages are sold to another lender shortly after they close, so it’s kind of random who you end up with.

      I got 2.69% on a 500k mortgage in the Bay Area. Locked in a couple of weeks ago. For what it’s worth, the lender is quicken loans.

      • Anon

        More than 500k (as the actual mortgage amount, not the cost of the property).

    • Anonymous

      I’m on the other side of the country, but Citi quoted us <3% with 15% down on a jumbo last week.

    • Anon

      We got our 2.5% at Wells Fargo about 3 weeks ago. The rates have gone up since though.

    • FormerlyPhilly

      We closed last week – 2.75% conventional 30-year fixed. Went via broker to find the best rate. In hot market in northern NJ (outside NYC)

  17. anon

    I want to buy pretty fall clothes. BUT WHY? I’m rarely going anywhere besides the grocery store and occasional errands! We had family photos this weekend, and I’d forgotten that it can actually be fun to put together a real outfit.

    • Anonymous

      I have buying the things I really need, like mudders and sweats. I have also been stocking up on non-trendy items from retailers I really like who went bankrupt, because if they emerge it won’t be with the same design team. I have also been buying things in my favorite color because it’s actually in stores this year. That scratches the shopping itch.

  18. sleeveless photos lawfirm

    I’m opening my own law firm and just took photos for my website. I’m thinking of having one traditional headshot and one 3/4 shot. What are your thoughts on sleeveless for the 3/4 shot? I have one with arms crossed and one with hands on hips, both in plain black sheath dress. i like both, but am wondering if people will think its too much skin or not professional

    • Lily

      I think you should wear sleeves; in fact, I think you should wear a suit or at least suit separates.

      • Cat

        Gah, hit post too soon, not that you shouldn’t wear a sleeveless sheath in day to day work, just that I don’t think it’s ideal as web imagery goes.

    • Anonymous

      Suit for sure. Non-attorneys expect to see their lawyer wearing a suit. The only non-suit photos I see in my area tend to be the better known criminal attorneys who seem to be able to do more fashion forward stuff as they don’t need to worry about their reps because they are already known as sharks.

    • kk

      Does it depend on what kind of law you’ll be practicing? I’m not a lawyer but I’ve hired one a few times for small personal things. I dont care fi you’re wearing a suit or not – If you look warm and competent, that makes more of an impression to me than a suit does. In fact, if your suit is too traditional or doesnt fit well, that would be a turn off for me.

    • Anonymous

      You need a same-color blazer over the sheath dress so it looks like a dress suit.

    • anon

      I think it depends a bit on where you are, as we (and many West Coast firms) have switched to more casual pictures, but notwithstanding that, I don’t love the sleeveless look – I just think it’s hard to pull it off. I would probably do a coordinating blazer or wear a different outfit.

  20. Joey X

    Question for you ladies: are an introvert or extrovert? What about your coworkers / industry, and how do you fit in with respect to that?
    I ask because I would consider myself to be in the middle, probably more of an introvert. The issue is I am in the real estate industry, which is full of VERY extroverted, loud, self-promoting people. (Donald Trump is the norm, not the exception.)
    I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker by any means for my career success, but I am just trying to be aware of it, and recognize that I will need other strategies to succeed and how to manage around it. Curious how other people feel about this topic?

    • Anonymous

      I’m an introvert, I work in policy, we are mostly introverts who quietly gather information and analyse outcomes.

    • Anon

      Introvert, industry is mixed or even introvert-friendly but my office is peopled with extroverts who want us all to work in person during the pandemic because they “can’t be alone with their thoughts.” I’ve found that setting work/personal boundaries and sticking to them without offering explanations works best for me. It also helps to be a great public speaker (NOT mutually exclusive with being an introvert). I’ve gotten excellent feedback on my mentorship abilities and work quality so I think what I am doing is working.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’m an introvert and an accountant. I imagine I’d fit in fine in an office full of accountants, but at my job I’m the only one and everyone else is bright, extroverted and patient-facing. Sometimes I feel like the office grump, which has only been emphasized by pandemic stress draining my batteries.

      My boss called me “well-spoken and charismatic” in a reference letter she wrote when I was applying to grad school, and I thought I needed to get my eyes checked. I’ve never been called charismatic before or since (although I will freely admit to being well-spoken).

    • Cb

      I’m an academic and rather unusually, I am pretty extroverted. Give me a room full of students, members of the public, media, and I’m good. I find it really exhausting to be in my little office bubble all by myself and much prefer to work as a team. I think it can help (I can talk to anyone) but also might hinder me, as I think I seem less serious / intellectual as a result.

    • Anon

      I’m a lawyer and joke that I’m an extroverted introvert. I have no problem networking, public speaking, raising my hand in group classes but all of those things exhaust me. In my downtime, I’m a homebody that wants to sit and read in quiet. But if you drag me along to a party, I will be a super outgoing life of the party. The exact opposite of what you think of when you think introvert. On the flip side I don’t NEED that interaction but need some interaction. I’ve had zero problem working from home when my husband also worked from home and I could briefly say hi at lunch or hear some of his phone calls or complain about something. Now that I’m home alone more often than not, my days are getting a little lonely and I have started expecting my pets to respond when I speak to them.

      • Anon

        It’s because people don’t understand what being an introvert is. It’s not “sad loser who speaks in a whisper and lives in her basement with her six cats.” Introverts can be shy or not shy, great public speakers or poor ones, life of the party or a wallflower, have lots of friends or few friends – the only thing that matters is whether they prefer alone time to recharge their batteries/prefer spending time alone.

      • CountC

        I am you, except for the WFH part which I hate. I am back in the office with the 6 or 7 people who also hate WFH and it’s just enouhg people for me to be social but also safe!

        The people I work with run the full gamut – stereotypical engineers, sales people, finance, marketing, etc. The mix of functions makes it so there is a place for just about any personality – except for a nasty one.

    • kara

      I’m an extrovert working in CS. It’s definitely a bit weird sometimes. I’ve had bosses or interviewers being like “don’t worry, you won’t have to talk to non technical people too much” and I’m like “no I want to!”

    • Anon

      I’m an extrovert who has been relatively happy being at home during COVID. I know it’s weird but I keep up with friends on zoom calls and texting, and I have a houseful of people (husband and teens) anyway. I’m like 100% extroverted on every profile I’ve ever taken so I believe it. I don’t think I’d be great being at home by myself for months at a time.

      I don’t necessarily think of extroverts as the loud, self promoting people as you describe. I think that may be a different personality trait. Extroverts like me and people I know enjoy interacting with people and building community. I was always the person in my office who thought of outings for our group, ways to interact with other groups, and all the fun interpersonal stuff. I have a strong need to feel like I’m helping people. I love connecting people I think should know each other. I look forward to professional networking events and meeting people, but I am in no way the life of the party/the lampshade-wearing Look At Me person. I am energized by these interactions rather than drained by them, which is an extrovert characteristic.

      That said, I guess I’m kind of offended being lumped in with Donald Trump! He has a lot of crap going on with his psyche and persona that have nothing to do with the introvert/extrovert divide.

    • Abby

      I’m very extroverted, and in finance I think majority tend to be. On how to succeed, my boss is head of our entire team, and he has made comments that let me know he’s aware of people’s personalities, and how to best work WITH that. I like that he values the different things people bring to the table

  21. Anon

    What are your favorite snow boots? I could use a new pair. Looking for one super intense pair (Chicago winters) and one slightly less intense pairs for the days when there isn’t fresh snow but the ground is salty/mucky/dirty.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I have these (at least whatever year’s version I found on 6pm) and they are quite comfy and definitely waterproof.

    • NY CPA

      I have tall Bogs boots which I think are technically rainboots but are incredibly warm because they’re made with very thick neoprene, in addition to strong rubber soles/toebox area. I have literally worn them while standing ankle-deep in the ocean in Antarctica, surrounded by icebergs. My feet remained dry and toasty warm. Can’t think of a better test than that! They also were pretty good about being non-slip, whereas my Bean Boots are useless when it’s icy out.

    • Vicky Austin

      Sorel! I wear mine from October to April. My college pair got me through a winter in the north of Sweden. I haven’t had cold feet in years.

    • Anonymous

      Pajar. So comfortable and I found Sorel extremely slippery where there was ice involved and not just snow.

    • Anon

      How serious are you about the intense pair? I used to live in Chicago but now live in the southern part of Ohio. I had a pair of Pajar sheepskin lined high boots (I think they were from the heritage collection and were very expensive — they had shearling all the way up) that were too hot for anything but a polar vortex where I live now, so I gave them away to a young journalist who is in upper Minnesota (she loves them). I now have a pair of Helly Hansen’s Garibaldi boots that are plenty warm enough for most purposes and most importantly, lightweight.

  22. Anon

    Quick voting question for those with the opportunity to either vote in person or by mail. I’ve heard contradictory things:
    1) You should vote by mail (and early!) to ensure your vote is counted and to avoid any issues that may occur day-off at a polling station, vs.
    2) You should vote in-person, since it will be easier to discredit the validity of mail-in ballots if push comes to shove.

    Thoughts from the hive? Would this differ by state? TIA!

    • Anonanonanon2

      Many states have early in-person voting, just want to throw that out there. Also, drop boxes for “mail-in” ballots if you don’t want to rely on USPS.
      I plan to vote early in-person.

      • Anon

        I’m definitely a fan of early (third or fourth day) in person voting at an awkward time. Wear the most protective mask you have and, if you’re even more cautious, a protective face shield. You’ll likely encounter not many people and be safer than a grocery store trip.

      • Anonymous

        I am putting my absentee ballot in a drop box instead of mailing it. This seems to me like the least risky solution, both in terms of COVID and in terms of having my vote counted without challenge or election-day interference.

    • Anon

      I plan to vote via absentee ballot and hand deliver to my town office. I was going to vote in person but after getting super sick from a food allergy a couple days ago I thought “OMG, what if this had happened on election day and I couldn’t vote.” I don’t want to take any chances that something prevents me from getting there.

      In my state any health condition that could impact you on voting day or concerns re: covid are reasons to vote absentee.

    • Anonymous

      Yes it varies by state. I’m in NJ where we all got a ballot in the mail. I’ll be dropping mine off in the election drop box today (not in the mail, special boxes just for ballots).

    • anon

      As someone whose signature isn’t particularly consistent, I’m worried that my mail-in vote will get thrown out because of that. I’ve decided to vote early in-person.

      • anonshmanon

        Just had a discussion about this with my neighbor. Her voter registration signature is probably decades old and she is worried about that. But also she is pretty frail, so voting by mail would be safer. I looked online and found that at least in California, they are obliged to notify you when they reject your ballot due to mismatched signature, and you get a chance to correct it (send in another signature on an official postcard). I think this can only work if you vote super early (b/c the correction needs to come in before the election ends, too, but I was glad to learn that there is a mechanism in place. On the other hand, this is really new, based on a lawsuit two years ago, so it’s for sure not a thing in every state.
        Another thing to research would be how many ballots have gone uncounted in your county in past elections, to gauge how much scrutiny there is about signatures.
        The state definitely matters in this situation. Do I believe that a few thousand rejected votes in CA are going to change the outcome? I do not. You can check by how many votes the last couple of elections in your county were decided, and how that compares to the number of rejected ballots in the last elections.

        • Anonymous

          While rejected votes may not change the outcome in CA, it is important to have as many votes counted for Biden as possible. Trump’s ability to challenge the validity of Biden’s victory is diminished if Biden wins both electoral college and a very convincing majority of the popular vote.

    • NY CPA

      I am planning to vote in person. I want a zero chance that my vote won’t be counted (I live in NY so not a swing state but with this election, its the principle of the thing that matters).
      However, I’m planning to vote early to try to minimize the wait. The polls will be open in NY for about a week before Election Day, but it’s at limited locations, so I had to look up the spot on the NY elections department website.
      If you are in a swing state, I would absolutely recommend voting in person over mail-in.

      • Anon

        I’m in NY as well and also planning to vote early, in person. My polling site is generally not very crowded and I’m low risk so I’m not terribly concerned about voting in person on the day of, either.

    • Anonymous

      FWIW – in Canadian elections – the early in-person voting has skyrocketed in popularity recently. That’s what I’d go with if I was down south. You don’t have to wait until election day, and you don’t have to worry about the mail.

    • OP

      Thanks – very helpful! I’m in CO, and we don’t have early in-person, so I’ll plan taking the day off work to vote in-person. My signature also varies, so signature variation adds an additional level of risk

    • Anon

      I’ve started to read more about how it will be easier to contest the election by refuting the validity of mail in ballots. It seems like voting in person, if possible, is ideal.

        • AnonATL

          Read this the other day and it scared the s*it out of me because of how plausible it is.
          We mail in voted for primaries but will be in person voting early for the general election. I’m not willing to be in that disputable margin of error in my possibly purple state. This is worth the risk to me, even with a baby at home. Maybe more so with the political implications to his future.

      • Anon

        Yeah, but Donald Trump will find any reason to do that, so I really don’t think it’s a good idea to tell people they need to vote in person in the middle of a pandemic.

        • anon

          I haven’t been anywhere indoors since March but I think the risk is worth it in this case. You’re right that it’s probably not the best idea but I would do anything to ensure my vote is counted in this election.

    • anon

      Good questions. Both views are valid and there are some states with more history of tossing mail in ballots. So, you may want to research your state/county and see what that’s been like in the past. The other factor, of course, is COVID. Is it at particularly high rates in your state/county? Are you high risk? For me, because I’m a bit more high risk than your average bear, I will be voting absentee. However, I will place it in the dropbox location in my town rather than USPS. And, if you can be in public places, and there is early voting, PLEASE vote early. That will be best. But yes, these all vary by state as the election laws (and early voting/absentee voting) are different. If you have specific questions about your state, the Sec. of State website for your state will have lots of info. You can also check out your state’s info on 866ourvote.org. or call their hotline.

    • Allie

      I am doing in person early voting. If you’re state has it and your risk tolerance/health risk allows you to go into a grocery store, I’d vote for doing that. I don’t think there will be a line on a random early voting day and, while very COVID risk adverse, I feel comfortable spending a short amount of time indoors to vote. You ensure that your vote will be counted but avoid the long lines of election day.

    • Anonymous

      I am voting early and in person. The mail-in system failed me last time so I have just decided to bypass it. I am not terribly concerned about virus exposure in this scenario, esp. since I can leave and go back or go to another location if the situation seems dangerous (which I truly don’t expect).

    • Anonanonanon

      In my Florida county, I’m voting by mail. I did it for the primary early and was able to confirm receipt by the supervisor of elections office and that it would be counted. So it may depend but I feel fairly safe doing that again.

    • anon.

      I’ve read a lot about this. The #1 thing is the vote no matter what. The second best is to Vote IN PERSON – early is best so nothing comes up to prevent you from voting. My (Red) state has 10 days of early in person voting – most do, so check your state.

  23. Fall t-shirts

    Poster from the weekend thread looking for tees in fall colors: I have had good luck finding these at Eddie Bauer.

  24. Anon

    Thoughts on smart lights? I’ve seem some good deals lately, and they sound great in theory. However, I literally know no one who has them. Small 1 bedroom apt, have some alexa devices set up already but the only “smart home” device I use with them is my thermostat.

    • Anon

      I don’t have Alexa and my lights aren’t voice controlled, but I really like my Phillips Hue lights that I can control with the smartphone app. They also have three brightness levels, which I appreciate in my bedroom as I turn them down slowly before bed.

    • Anon

      I have two Wemo plugs hooked up to my lamps in the living room. I love asking Alexa to turn them all of at once. I got the first plug for Christmas tree lights and that was a great add too.

    • Anon

      We have smart bulbs for lamps and smart switches for ceiling fixtures throughout the house that are controllable from an app or through Alexa. I can turn on an individual light or turn on all of them through a a routine we named “all the lights” (“Alexa turn on all the lights”) DH is sometimes called out at night for work and I like that I can light up the house from bed if I want to. We both like it that in the dead of winter when it’s dark early, whoever is home first can turn on lights from the app before getting home, or that we can turn on lights for the dogs so that they are not sitting around in the dark. In before times, when we travelled we used the app to turn on/off lights to make it look like someone was at home

    • Mrs. Jones

      We have smart bulbs in 4 lamps (one in kid’s bedroom that we turn off after he falls asleep, and three in living room).

  25. anon bay area

    Long time lurker looking for input on home purchasing, as we’re looking at $2.5-2.8MM homes (~2500sqft) in the Bay Area, with $500K down. HHI Income ~$450K, and this will be about a $10-12K/mo mortgage/property expenditure for 30 years and sounds daunting to me. Alongside significant (unavoidable) childcare costs, since family is far – is it possible to build wealth? What would you do?

    We’ve been rent controlled in SF ~$3.5K/mo, and are looking at Piedmont for a sense of community and hopefully kids in the neighborhood will go to public school with ours – do any posters live there and can attest to whether this is likely? How are schools? First time late 30s mom with a 3 year old + thinking about a second baby — is this the best approach since there aren’t gifted programs in the district? Are the schools hypercompetitive pressure cookers for kids, and would we feel socioeconomically stressed to keep up with the Joneses forever?

    SFUSD and future of the lottery system/weighting of geography is unclear, so we were hoping to lock in a home with a yard that makes a good school district a sure thing, but it seems over the top to take on a $2MM mortgage for it.

    Husband WFH + I’m just south of the city (likely commuting 2-3 days/wk post-pandemic) Love the outdoors, walkability, and diversity but open to exploring LCOL options near an international airport on the West coast.

    It feels like there are no good answers, and things have gotten even more expensive the last few years. What would you do to optimize your lives in this situation?

    • Anon

      That seems very expensive even for the Bay Area (where I live). Is there a reason your budget is as high as that? There are nice homes in Orinda (just over the hill) for less than $1.5M that meet your size requirements and Orinda is known for being expensive af.

      • Anon

        Also, with your budget and where you’d said you’re working, I’d vote for somewhere like Half Moon Bay or Redwood City. Reducing commuting time is truly the best way to optimize your life in the Bay Area.

      • anon

        Agreed. It seems like you can swing the mortgage but if it makes you uneasy, I’d recommend the other side of the tunnel. I know diversity is lacking in Orinda and Lafayette but I can’t imagine Piedmont proper is much better.

      • Serafina

        That seems like a crazy amount to spend on a house at your HHI. And I live in the Bay Area (currently renting in the city, looking into buying) with a HHI of ~$500-600K, so in a similar situation.
        A lot of our friends are moving to San Mateo. A friend just bought a place for ~$1.5M, 3BR, good school district. And agreed with the above poster that reducing commuting time is critical – if you’re in South SF, there’s a lot on the Peninsula that will be much better commute-wise than crossing the Bay Bridge every day.

      • Anon

        It’s all relative. I’m not OP but I’d be rich in Minnesota. I’m middle class in the Bay Area. The difference is that I couldn’t earn my salary in Minnesota.

    • BB

      Everyone’s situation is different, but my gut reaction is that’s a BIG housing cost to take on. We have similar HHI to you, and I can’t imagine taking on a $2M loan on it. For a point of comparison, $2M is right about the max that a bank would give us for a loan (we just bought, so I know this for a fact), and I feel like they’re always wildly less risk averse than I am comfortable being. Oh, and I should mention, we don’t have kids and won’t have kids, so way lower expenses than you.

    • Anon

      Take this with a grain of salt since I’m in Berkeley and love it here. The kids I know who went to Piedmont schools were a lot more sheltered than those in Berkeley’s public schools. They’re not diverse racially or economically. They’re pretty excellent academically, but an academically excellent student can also do really well in a diverse public school experience.

      Also, every kid in nearby Albany, El Cerrito, Piedmont, Emeryville, Oakland hills area, plus Berkeley kids in private school, really really want to go to Berkeley High. That’s a long way down the road for you. Just know it’s been happening for decades and will continue to happen. They think their schools are too boring and Berkley High is cool.

      Piedmont is lovely but very insular. Diversity and raising my kids in the real world, so they know how to get along with kids from lots of different backgrounds, has been really important to me. For the same reason, I’m a big believer in public schools. My kids are now a college sophomore and a Berkeley High senior, and they’ve done really well for themselves. It hasn’t been without hassles and headaches (true of any school system, I’m sure) but they know how to get along in diverse communities and I’m forever grateful they have that background as they enter the world as adults.

      The biggest shock for my college level kid has been going to college with kids from suburban areas who were still taught things like Christopher Columbus “discovered” America and is a hero, without critically examining the impact that had on the indigenous peoples of America.

      • Anon

        Ex-Berkeley resident here and it always blew my mind that Berkeley High has 3400+ kids. I went to a small rural public school with 100 kids and simply can’t even imagine how different (in some ways good, in some probably bad) a huge HS would’ve been. I’ve heard from a couple of friends that large schools weren’t good fits for their kids, but none of them were in Berkeley. I guess it probably depends on the supports that are available rather than the size alone.

        • Anon

          BHS is split into five major learning communities. Two of those are large and three are small. My kids did the large ones (the older did Academic Choice, which is basic college prep, and the other did IB) but some of their friends really thrived in the smaller schools.

          That said, it is a huge student body and my kids both loved it. I heard complaints from them about lots of things, but not about the size. They were both involved in music and were able to play in sizeable orchestras, which is really great for performing.

    • Anon

      I live in the Bay Area and now we have a HHI around $700K though my husband earns significantly more than me. Our approach is that we should be able to live off one income and that is what we used to make our decision about buying a house. I personally think it’s crazy you are buying a house that expense on that income, unless you are independently wealthy outside of the jobs.
      By the way – Piedmont is not a diverse place, it is one of the most exclusionary cities in the country.

      • BB

        Okay, thanks for confirming I wasn’t the only one who looked at those numbers and was like WHOA on the expenses! I mean, I live in a HCOL area too (not Bay Area), so I get it for the cost of housing, but still!

      • NYCer

        +1 to the second to last sentence. That house seems awfully expensive for a $450K HHI with “only” $500K down.

    • Anon

      I think it gets to a point where good public schools do not outweigh housing costs. I am all for diverse school systems as much as you can get it (I am a POC and my hubs is not American so it is especially important) but there are often diverse private schools (usually int’l schools) at a reasonable price that make more sense to pay for than a super high mortgage.
      I am not sure about SFBA but in my area (major U.S. city over 3M people), a decent private school is as low as $12k a year and only goes up to about $30k a year. I don’t see how buying a home a million dollars more than you want just to get into a diverse public school is worth it financially at all. Focus on your commute time and the type of home you want (if it’s a forever home) in your budget with a variety of private schools in commuting distance and invest the money you otherwise would have spent on a home, you’ll benefit more in the long run and your kid won’t lose out.

    • anon

      What about San Carlos? Great schools, cute downtown, and commute might be easier.

      I do think the mortgage is too high for your HHI, even for the Bay Area. I’d think about starting with a townhouse and then maybe moving up when your oldest is about to start middle school. FWIW, I live in San Jose in the Moreland school district, and I love our community. Houses around here are more like $1.5 for a 3br, which I think would be very doable on your budget.

  26. anon

    What do you all think is going to happen with Colorado skiing this winter? Skiing itself is outdoors and masks will be easy – that part seems pretty low risk – but kids ski school? Agh.

    • anne-on

      Curious about this too. My husband/son both ski and I snowshoe/hang out in the lodge. If ski schools aren’t open (and I get why they may not be!) we’ll probably go less and if we do go I’ll likely be ‘in charge’ of my son/doing some intro/easy trails with him so my husband can get at least one day of harder runs in.
      We’re thinking of renting a house with another family that is already in our pandemic cohort (school friends) and hoping we can pod the kids together into a semi-private lesson and treat it as a mini-ski school.

    • Anon

      You can read up on the measures resorts are taking. Personally, I wouldn’t go to a place like Vail even before the pandemic (I hate skiing with crowds), but now, definitely not. I’m hoping to do some backcountry skiing and to take a weekday or two off to ski mid-week at a small, non-Vail-owned resort in my state. Said resort is requiring masks at all times, indoors and out, and taking a variety of other measures. No kids, but if I had them, I don’t think I would chance ski school. There’s simply no way to maintain distancing when you’re teaching kids to ski and in the cold area, kids’ noses run all the time. WAY too many droplets…

    • Cat

      Maybe reduced # of lift tickets? Like if only groups in the same household can use lifts or gondolas, there would be serious line issues otherwise. There could also be lower capacity for the cafeterias or restaurants that way, too.

    • Anonymous

      Our local East Coast ski hill is closing its indoor cafeteria, limiting the number of lift tickets sold, reconfiguring the rental shop, selling lift tickets on line only, requiring masks in the lodge, and limiting lift rides to members of a single party. All of this was posted on the web.

    • Abby

      I ski in Utah, not Colorado, but from what I’ve read so far, the resort I ski at will not be selling tickets the day of. You have to either have a season pass, or reserve your tickets in advanced. You can only share a chairlift with those in your party, so no singles line, etc. Ski school there is already capped to 4 in a class, but if other places have larger groups, I bet they will cut back as well. I think the lodges for lunch are gonna be a mad house to figure out.

      • Anon

        If your main resort is like mine (in Cali), they might ax indoor dining and prepare more food outdoors instead.

      • Anon

        NH ski resorts are discussing food trucks only, warming tents, porta potties, get ready in your car and leave your extra gear in your car, purchase tix ahead of time or season pass only, limited number of people per day (season pass holders might be exempt), only your party on the lift.

  27. Anon

    Is there a better morning drink than Earl Grey with 1 t raw sugar? I love it so much but I’m thinking I should experiment and change it up from time to time. What do you love in the mornings?

    I love coffee but it doesn’t love me, both in the sense of being jittery and tummy troubles.

      • Vicky Austin

        Team Earl Grey! I usually like mine with half-and-half and a bit of honey. Raw sugar sounds delightful – I’ll have to try that.

        • Anon

          I’m OP. We had sugar in the raw packets at work. I bought some turbinado sugar for home thinking that was the same thing, but it’s not. I can tell the difference. I went back to sugar in the raw, which you can buy by the box (no packet waste) on amazon. It is so good. I’m glad you want to try it!!

    • BB

      ALL the other teas! What about green tea? Matcha has a nice sharp flavor if you like that. Jasmine might be a bit too light for you. I also like Genmaicha which has a nutty taste from the roasted barley. I also switch between Earl Grey and regular English Breakfast tea from time to time.

      • Anon

        I do like jasmine tea at Chinese restaurants. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Maybe it seems too light for mornings?

        I will check out matcha.

        • BB

          I highly recommend the Rishi Matcha supergreen tea bags. The powered matcha can be kind of annoying to deal with, but really great in lattes if that works for you too. We got a latte milk foamer thing a while ago and it gets daily use in the winter.

    • Cb

      I don’t take sugar in my tea but like a slice of lemon. But I’d recommend trying some earl grey adjacent teas, ie. blue lady. I also like Whittard’s Mango and Bergamot.

      • Anon

        Thanks for the specific suggestions. I will check them out! We visited a tea shop on vacation once and I decided to try Lady Grey but didn’t like it. I think it had lavender in it, which was what I didn’t like, but that may have been specific to that tea shop.

    • Anon

      I drink black tea with milk in the morning (usually some type of Ceylon or Darjeeling) and I agree that there is just nothing better than that hot cup of tea first thing in the morning!

      • Anon

        I have never been a milk in tea person. Maybe it’s the bergamot in my Earl Grey that I think doesn’t go with milk. I like cream in coffee but not in tea. My husband drinks Irish Breakfast every morning with milk and sugar. Maybe I should try his!

        Oh, I guess I do like chai with milk. Hmm.

    • Anon

      I got a sampler of August tea in May and I’ve been enjoying going through the unusual flavors.

    • Anon

      I love oat milk in my black tea. It’s unsweetened, but makes the tea a little sweet and creamy and cools it down (I don’t like my drinks too hot).

    • Anonymous

      I like to add a dried lemon or orange slice from Trader Joes’s to my tea instead of sugar.

    • Vicky Austin

      Coming back because I remembered that when I lived in Sweden there was a tea available on the 10kr coffee stands all around the university that I loved. It was vanilla black Ceylon and delicious. I’ll have to see if I can find it again.

    • Airplane.

      Earl grey without sugar! I hate sugar in tea.

      Real answer – Dutch licorice roobios, fermented Chinese teas with dried sunflowers added.

  28. Abby

    I know nobody is thinking about blazers right now, but the Going Out blazer at J Crew is 50% off

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I wore my Going Out blazer for a Zoom depo last week and my first thought was “well this name for a blazer doesn’t work anymore,” swiftly followed by “I would love to go out for work.”

    • Anonymous

      My Going Out blazers are the only part of my work wardrobe I’m currently using. They are great on Zoom.

      • going out blazer issue

        I know everyone loves this blazer but I finally bought it (plus size 24) and it was too short in the arms and the waist (I’m 5’8).

  29. LDS?

    Are any ‘rettes members of the LDS church? I am fascinated by the prevalence of LDS women in the mommy blogging/influencing space – we all know Instagram isn’t reality, but the level of polished perfection is off the chain. I’ve become really curious about how they are viewed by women within the church. My response is a combination of envy (how are their lives so perfect, their homes so immaculate, their children so attractive and well-dressed???) and amusement (do you really need that many Halloween pumpkins, Turtle Creek Lane lady?), but they aren’t part of my community and I have no idea about how that whole aesthetic and vibe plays to women who are.

    • Anon

      OMG I just looked at Turtle Creek Lane and there are so. many. exclamation points.

    • kk

      Be There in Five did a deep dive podcast ep on this and it’s so fascinating to me

    • Vicky Austin

      Not LDS, but have LDS relatives and grew up in the middle of the Mormon belt, such as it is. Instagram is just one more thing for these wives to be quietly pressured to excel at. They are expected to basically cover everything from childcare to their church “callings” (specific tasks assigned like teaching on Sundays) to stockpiling homemade food for the end of times. Judging by the number I see who have some kind of side hustle, that’s also something they’re encouraged to do. Influencing/blogging slides nicely into the spot where MLMs used to be, or can be combined with them. These women are run ragged. Enough is never enough. Ever wondered why the depression rates are so high in Utah? This is why.

      • Anon

        Your last line isn’t accurate – Utah is part of the Western “suicide belt,” which includes nearly all the mountain states (including those with low LDS populations). I don’t disagree that the pressure can’t be a good thing for Mormon moms, but there isn’t any actual evidence that it contributes to high rates of depression in Utah.

      • Allie

        So a friend who was raised LDS said that making, creating and self-promotion is sort of baked into LDS culture through childhood activities etc. and so she thought that her (former) community was just particularly well-poised for mommy blogging. Thought it was interesting.

    • Anonymous

      That’s all they do. Imagine the energy you put into law school or doing your MBA – they channel that into pictures of seemingly perfect kids doing pinteresty activities.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any insight as to how it’s viewed from within because I’m not a member but I think the mommy blogging needs to be viewed from the light that for these women it’s usually their only shot at financial independence. Because of their general lack of educated and being part of a church that doesn’t recognize their autonomy functionally bars them from all meaningful employment.

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