Coffee Break: Fairy Lights

93 Comments

1. When you go to a vegetarians home for dinner do you expect meat? My partner brought over some new colleagues recently and one seemed pretty aghast I fed them lentil shepherds pie. No one is special enough for me to bend my belief system. (and because someone will say it, no they do not have any digestive or dietary issues, just very vanilla folks)

   1. No, I wouldn’t expect meat. But unless it was someone I knew pretty well, I would be making a pretty basic/standard dish. Probably some type of pasta dish, like eggplant Parmesan with spaghetti.

   2. No, but I eat vegetables as well as meat and don’t eat meat at every meal.

   3. You’re not at all wrong. I generally don’t make meat based dishes (and even when I do, it’s the animal ingredients as seasoning rather than a big slab o protein.) I know the dishes I make are well prepared, and appetizing to a variety of palates. If someone has a problem that the tasty meal they are being served doesn’t include meat, that is a them problem and has nothing to do with the dish.

   4. I definitely do not, but I have been surprised when I went to a vegetarian’s house for dinner and she fed me chicken.

      1. I’m nervous because we are doing Christmas with my veggie in laws and they keep making noises about cooking chicken. I don’t particularly want meat cooked by people who don’t eat meat. I am an omnivore, not a carnivore.

   5. No, I wouldn’t expect meat at a vegetarian’s house. It may be morally unacceptable to them, they might not know how to cook it well/anymore, and it’s an additional hoop for someone to be outside of their comfort zone.

      You provided protein and a home cooked meal so you were a gracious host!

   6. No, but (1) your partner should have told his colleagues to expect a veg meal out of politeness, and (2) your jump to someone expecting you to change your “belief system” as opposed to just disliking lentils or being bad at hiding a surprised reaction is kind of preachy.

      1. I cannot eat lentils. I know a LOT of people eat them, but I need a warning because otherwise I will be projectile vomiting all over your bathroom if I am lucky to make it that far.

         Per my doctor: this is a food sensitivity and not an allergy and won’t kill me (but will kill the mood)

         1. Lentils give me painful gas and bloating. It is extremely unpleasant!

         2. If you have something that is such a big deal to you, I think it’s on you to inform the host. They’re not mind readers. There is nothing wrong with serving lentils to guests.

            1. +1

         3. I always ask about dietary issues like that in advance.

         4. Same girl same. The “serve beans” suggestions kill me, I am not a vegetarian but if I’m at a vegetarian’s house, I don’t expect meat but I also don’t expect a controversial dish. So many people have bean issues it shocks me that it’s constantly mentioned here. Make one of 10,000 other options that don’t involve meat.

            1. This isn’t as easy as you think, when you are trying to appeal with a lot of traditional meat eaters.

               Like lets start the tofu or meat substitutes next….. Yeah, no go there.

            2. I’ve been reading here since the days of the Royal We and have never heard anyone mention lentils making them vomit. I frequently post lentil based recipes and frequently suggest bean/lentil based dishes when people ask for meal suggestions for dinner parties and have never received a negative comment on them. Now I know to ask my guests about lentil preferences, but I find it surprising that beans are such an issue.

   7. Assuming this is a random meal, not a Thanksgiving dinner without turkey: If you serve tasty, naturally vegetarian foods I wouldn’t mind. Something like veggie lasagna with salad and garlic bread is great. But when you sub beans, tofu, etc. into a traditional meat recipe that’s when people are unhappy. It’s usually an inferior version of the real dish. Adults are generally polite enough not to complain to their host but they’ll grumble on the way home.

      I commented on the earlier thread that beans and lentils do a number on my stomach. It doesn’t matter if humans are *supposed* to eat a certain amount of fiber each day. Your guests won’t GAF about your belief system, they’ll just care that you caused gastric distress.

      1. +1, I’d prefer not to have a traditionally meat-heavy dish where you swap out the meat for lentils. Those two items are not nutritionally equivalent or taste equivalent. Vegetable soup, taco bar with tofu as a protein option, pasta with pesto sauce, etc. are better. I wouldn’t say anything about it to my host, I think it’s rude to make comments if there’s nothing objectively wrong with the dish you’re served (if you’re gluten-free, then yes, you need to tell the host/bring your own food/confirm that a dish is GF, if you eat chicken but not red meat then you should confirm there’s no red meat, etc.).

         But also, no, I don’t expect vegetarians to cook meat for me, especially in their home/if they’re hosting an event. I’ll survive for one meal or one weekend.

      2. I wouldn’t word it this way, but I tend to agree – something like eggplant parm or lasagna that is always or often vegetarian seems less likely to cause comment (unless they are lactose intolerant; you can’t win!)

         But either way, no, I would not expect to be served meat. Nor would I necessarily expect to like whatever I was served at any dinner party type event – that is always a roll of the dice.

   8. i would never expect meat at a vegetarian’s house and this is also why i don’t invite “new colleagues” to dinner. i blame this on your husband. sounds like there was a disconnect in the invitation or these people are jerks. like i can’t imagine acting surprised at whatever a host gave me.

      1. This guy knows my husband’s morals pretty well (they have a job where they end up stuck in a room together with nothing to do for many hours so I’ve heard about the conversations). I think the guy is just a bit dense. Definitely don’t blame my husband, wouldn’t have expected it would have needed to be said when they’ve discussed sentience.

   9. No, of course not. I wouldn’t expect a vegetarian to be comfortable with meat in their home or kitchen honestly!

      Maybe the lentil shepherds pie is amazing, but lentils and potatoes is a lot of starch at once for me and I’m not sure what potatoes are really adding to lentils, so even though I enjoy a lot of meat-free meals, I’d find that specific dish a bit odd vs. familiar vegetarian dishes from established plant based cuisines.

   10. I would not expect a vegetarian to cook meat for me as a guest and personally find lentil shepherds pie delicious. I also think that it’s lovely that y’all hosted colleagues and cooked them a meal, as this seems so rare now.

       1. +1

   11. I wouldn’t expect meat. But I think a lot of people prefer a dish that’s meant to be meatless (like pasta or curry) over a meat dish made vegetarian with a meat substitute. Shepard’s Pie normally has meat so I consider this more in the second bucket. Also I hate lentils (despite being 90% vegetarian at home) but that’s personal preference.

       1. I’m also firmly in the hate lentils category. But I’m also polite and wouldn’t complain if that’s what someone made.

          1. Same

          2. I wouldn’t complain either because it’s obviously rude, but I also think lentils are more controversial than a lot of other veg foods you could serve.

   12. Aside from the issue of beliefs, I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 13, so I’ve literally never cooked meat. There’s absolutely no way you want me cooking meat for you. I’m happy to cook anything else, and I generally run food ideas past prospective guests, but if you want meat, we can go out or get takeout.

   13. They’re the weird ones, not you. Even my very vanilla middle American MIL has made lentil shepherd’s pie for me. The number of people replying who seem to have a problem with lentils is kind of surprising. But then people also have a problem with too many carbs. But also, they want pasta. No dishes that aren’t originally meant to be vegetarian, but you can make eggplant parm instead of the chicken parm they’re normally have. Maybe you can consult a psychic before your next dinner party. Or perhaps people should not attend these types of events if they’re going to pout to the host about not getting their favorite meal.

       1. If celiac people aren’t weird, why are people with a lentil intolerance?

          1. The guests are weird for complaining that there was no meat even though they didn’t state any dietary restrictions when accepting the invitation.

             If they had a genuine dietary restriction (which includes feeling awful after eating a food), then they should have mentioned it when accepting the invitation. No one with celiac would expect a gluten-free meal if they didn’t tell the host that they had celiac.

             If someone is generous enough to invite me to their home, I’m going to a) disclose my dietary restrictions upon accepting the invitation and confirm that it’s ok by the host and b) go with an open mind and gratefully eat what I’m served, even if it’s different from how I usually eat, as long as it is something I can eat (and I’ve already shared what I can’t!).

       2. Obviously pouting or being aghast is not okay! But I think it is okay to politely not eat an entree.

          I remember when I messed up as the practically carnivore host to vegetarians who cannot actually stomach beans. They didn’t pout. But it was a lesson for me that I could have asked more questions about what they eat.

       3. Small detail, but eggplant parm actually predates chicken parm :) Eggplant parm was invented by Italians and the meat versions are knockoffs invented by Italian Americans.

   14. No, of course not.

   15. Unless it’s a food allergy/intolerance, I really believe that you should graciously and gratefully accept a meal in someone’s home. The fact that someone seemed aghast that they weren’t served what they inexplicably expected is unbelievably rude and self-important. I’m sorry you had a rude guest to your home, OP.

       1. Yes, super bad manners to for the guest to act like that

   16. Your meal sounds lovely and generous. That person was impolite. And I just happily unpacked a delivery that included three different kinds of lentils. I am firmly in the pro-lentils camp.

       1. That’s fine but for some of us, having lentils by surprise is like giving wheat to a person with celiac. I don’t prefer to be this way and my body tolerates all other legumes well and I eat them regularly.

          1. Same. And 100% of the time people thinking of making lentils or beans ask of it’s okay. I always say go ahead but I can’t eat them. You get your food issues OP, I get mine. It’s rather impolite to assume that people can eat anything.

          2. Sure. And you should mention it when someone is cooking for you. Just like a vegan or pescatarian or a person with a peanut allergy should mention their needs. That doesn’t mean this person, who doesn’t even have a food sensitivity/allergy or limited diet, wasn’t rude in this circumstance.

             1. It honestly wouldn’t occur to me that someone would serve guests beans. So rude and gross.

             2. Serving beans is rude and gross? This is so culturally specific, made to sound universal.

                If you have a food aversion or intolerance, mention it to the host. Otherwise, eat the lovely meal that was made for you, with gratitude. Or don’t eat it, but sit there in gratitude. Seriously, some of the comments on this board are unbelievably ungracious.

             3. Yes, it’s rude and gross. Many people cannot tolerate them and there’s no way to pick around them. Fine for you to eat them at home but don’t assume it’s something to serve guests. So rude.

             4. It is not rude to serve beans; they are food. It is not rude to host guests and make meals for them! The idea that they are healthy for everyone or that the only problem someone could have with being served beans is entitlement and expecting meat is not correct, but the guest was the rude one here.

             5. LOL thanks for reassuring us that it’s fine to eat beans at home. It is not rude to serve beans – that would imply that it’s common knowledge and widely understood that beans are intolerable to many, which is entirely false, and that the meal choice was made with callous disregard for guests’ comfort. In other words, you’re entirely of base and, ironically, acting with a good deal of disregard for other people’s feelings by calling serving beans “rude and gross.”

          3. I agree that the meal sounds lovely and generous and the guest was impolite.

             I ask if there are any dietary restrictions when I invite someone over. If I forget, I would hope that the guest would do me the kindness of stating any dietary restrictions when accepting the invitation. Feeling ill if one eats a food is a restriction that must be mentioned!

             I pride myself on being able to accommodate a wide range of dietary needs, but I can only do it if someone tells me in advance.

             When I go to someone’s house for a meal, I mention my dietary restrictions (not true allergies, but I’ll be very uncomfortable and so avoid). I wouldn’t want someone to go to the trouble of making me dinner I can’t eat.

          4. I think you mean that your stomach will be upset. Celiac is way more than GI symptoms. It is still always smart not to make ourselves sick with any food that does that. For decades my grandma snuck onions and garlic into grandpa’s food thinking he was a picky eater for hating those foods. It ended up that he had had an intolerance the whole time!

          5. You are wrong. Celiac is a disease where you can develop severe gastrointestinal/neurologic and other severe complications. Getting gassy with lentils or beans is not a big deal. Take a beano and get over

             1. Or even severe neurological symptoms with negligible GI symptoms! I don’t think there is a comparable autoimmune reaction to lentils. (Don’t take Beano brand if you do have Celiac though, they keep getting wheat in it.) I am not sure why there aren’t better cooking methods for making beans more digestible. The gassiness is no way to live and a lot of people end up spending a lot of time in the bathroom too. It is smart to carry enzymes in your bag if they help you.

   17. No, I would not expect meat.

       I wouldn’t perhaps expect legumes, either, but maybe something like a quiche or frittata with bread and salad, or a homemade pizza, some pumpkin or some leek and potato soup with pepitas or croutons.

       I love both lentils and shepherds pie, but it’s very mushy, so I’d choose something with some bite or crunch.

       1. Quiche… yeah that would have gone over well.

          You’ll never win in this world.

   18. No, but I would expect to eat something fairly mainstream that would appeal to non-vegetarians, and I would offer to bring something

   19. I might be off base here, but meals for guests usually involve making a meal which is a little better than a regular week night meal, whereas lentils are generally considered super inexpensive, so it might have been perceived as cheap if your family are inviting people to your home.

       I love lentils too and we eat them from time to time, but I wouldn’t serve them to guests unless it was part of a bigger meal.

       Also to say, I wouldn’t be offended if someone served me lentils, but I’d figure they might be broke (which is also fine).

   20. That sounds disgusting TBH. There are better veggie dishes.

2. Any favorite stocking stuffers for this year? Particularly interested in ones for older
   “kids” (college aged) and adults.

   Last year the big hits were See’s peppermints, and Apple tags.

   1. ELF squeeze me lip balm

   2. i have boys, college and high school. every year i get them a new charger or a battery or something phone related. usually some sort of self care (they didn’t think fancy nail clippers were fun but did enjoy manly men toddler wipes). ordered some doctor squatch stuff. usually a protein drink or sports drink and/ or some candy.

   3. Lottery ticket scratch offs

   4. Luxardo cherries

   5. If they’re in college, rolls of quarters for laundry. Beyond college, nice lip balm, socks with your face on it (know your audience — my family would find this hilarious).

      1. Do any colleges still use quarters? I graduated in 2006 and even then it was a card system!

         That said, for college kids: hair ties, hobby related mini things (mine are skiers so everyone gets handwarmers and chapstick and anyone that didn’t have one got a phone tether), snacks, jewelry.

3. Has anyone used the Galleri test for cancer screening?

   1. No, but I know people involved in evaluating it. Don’t put too much faith in the results and don’t think it can take the place of standard cancer screenings like colonoscopies, mammograms, etc.

      Also, if you take the test, the company owns your data, a la 23andMe.

      1. You can opt out for 23andMe using your data for research etc…

         1. And I’m sure they honor that.

   2. No. It is still too soon. But I am following along and will talk with my oncologist.

      I have to get lots of screening regularly (imaging, blood tests, exams) because of my particular health history. I am looking forward to the day when I can cancel all of it and just take a blood test like Galleri once a year! That’s my dream.

4. Tell me what daily-driver purses you all are actually liking. I feel like I err and buy giant workhouses that wind up being too heavy or not enough pockets OR too-small bags that are cute for evening but not good when I need a bit more all-day daily essentials. Bonus if nylon but also OK for the office.

   1. Bagallini has some great nylon bags. Mines become my daily driver because it’s light and has friendly pockets. Admittedly it’s on the casual side.

   2. Lululemon City Esssentials 3L bag. Detachable crossbody and shoulder straps. Looks more polished than the Lululemon Everywhere 2L belt bag (which was my daily driver for almost two years).

   3. My criteria for daily driver purses is that I want to be able to access the purse while it is still on my shoulder and there to be enough drop that I can wear it on my shoulder with a coat. On the spendy front, my black Goyard Boheme is hands down by favorite as it is light weight with a zipper so I can throw it places. The purse doesn’t have pockets but the built in clutch bag holds essentials, and my keys clip to the strap for it as a kind of search and rescue. It’s held up fairly well to a few years of heavy, not at all precious with my purses use, but not quite as durable as the LV coated bags.

5. Does anyone feel like they have some PTSD from a relative’s hospital stays? I’m not even the person who was sick, but spending various weeks at the hospital (often quietly, since many rooms are shared), so much beeping, so much unfamiliarity with words, conditions, prognosis, next steps, planning for discharge even before you’ve been formally admitted (there is a lot of waiting for a bed, starting with a hallway in the ER, an ER “bay” (not really a room), and then a room that’s a pre-admittance room before you’re on a floor with regular people, so many shift changes and then different staff weekdays vs weekends where you go through everything the best you can several times each day, all while trying to help someone eat, toilet, etc. (maybe those last bits were for staff, but often staff seemed overwhelmed and your loved one needed someone to help them). I guess this is what taking a walk in nature is for, to decompress, but it is a lot for this office worker to process.

   1. This sounds like caregiver burnout and is a very valid reason to seek therapy. I have had a few sessions of talk therapy to help process feelings around my mom’s surgery/health issues and it’s been much more helpful than just venting to friends/family (though they were kind enough to listen). Additionally – walks in nature, journaling, and exercise also helped.

   2. Not what you asked, but not all hospitals are equal. Pretty much everyone I know has hospital preferences based on some combination of word of mouth and research into which ones really offer a better experience. It might be worth some consideration once the dust has settled from this stay.

   3. That makes complete sense to me. It’s sensory overload, at a time when you’re probably having a lot of extra feelings and emotions anyway.

   4. I dealt with someone’s multiple hospital stays this year and it was overwhelming. It was hard to navigate for so many reasons. I hope you find some peace.

   5. In a hospital, if a person can’t feed themselves, are families supposed to come do that? That seems to be a concerning care gap.

      1. Hospitals are care gap after care gap right now. I don’t think “supposed to” really enters into the equation.

         1. Yikes. I feel like I don’t know how hospitals are supposed to be. I understand how labor and delivery goes and that a shocking (to me) amount of things are done as outpatient surgeries (where care falls to the family, assuming there is one). And I guess the ER. Everything else is often a blur encountered under great emotional stress, especially if the prognosis isn’t good (true for me even if I’m not the patient).

         2. I had to clean my friend’s hospital room of three days’ worth of food trays when the staff dedicated to that task just never showed up and the rest of the staff members simply refused to do the task.

      2. Honestly, no one should ever be alone in the hospital. Everyone needs someone to help them eat, catch medication errors, take notes about what the doctor is recommending, help keep them oriented (if they are elderly especially), encourage them to do their rehab once able and so much more.

         We all need an advocate.

         1. +1 – be present as much as possible.

         2. Totally agree

         3. My dad’s isolation during COVID when he was in rehab after a stroke, I am 100% sure, contributed to his eventual death. The first few months after the stroke are the most important and he needed us and we couldn’t be there.

   6. In my experience, a walk in nature is almost always a good idea :)

      But there’s nothing wrong with wanting or needing to supplement a walk-in-nature with processing a difficult and challenging experience with a mental health professional. Another option might be a caregiver support group.

      For what it’s worth, many years ago I went through a bad experience, that continued bugging me for a long time. I way, way over thought whether it was “bad enough” to “count” for getting some counseling, like I was trying to figure out if I “qualified” for PTSD in advance. In the end, I did end up seeing a counselor for a brief period of time. It was not nearly as big a deal as I had worried myself into thinking. She helped me with some tools to deal with anxiety/stress/panic related to the event in the moment; she talked through with me what it would look like & what options would be if I decided to pursue PTSD-specific treatment, and in the end I chose not to. It was not hugely dramatic, it was just the right amount of non-judgmental, calm, professional support, and I’m glad I did it.

   7. PTSD in family members of hospitalized patients is a known phenomenon. Here’s a paper describing some of the evidence for the ICU setting:
      https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5985813/#:~:text=Family%20members%20provide%20support%20and,ability%20to%20function%20in%20society.

      Even if you don’t meet the full criteria for PTSD, you can definitely be feeling the impacts of the trauma. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself as much time and care as you can. If you don’t start feeling more yourself within a month or two, talk to you doctor about additional support.

6. Has anyone tried the supplements from Midi Health, and did they do anything? I’m caught between thinking it’s all snake oil, yet feeling like I need something to help with my energy, brain fog, etc. HRT makes me really nervous because I’ve never reacted well to hormonal BCP or other hormonal supplements, like progesterone in early pregnancy.

   1. I haven’t tried midi health, but magnesium at night, Palmitoylethanolamide (PEA), vitamin D, and L-theanine have made a noticeable difference for me in perimenopause.

   2. It’s snake oil.

   3. I don’t know what supplements you are considering but I have read a fair amount about creatine and it’s good for brain health (as well as body). I think for brain you need a 10mg a day dose, vs 5mg which is the muscle building dose. I am in maybe month 2 so I can’t say too much about it but there is a fair amount of evidence in favor of it, and it’s extremely safe.

   4. I lost real weight with berberine, but I was working with my doctor. I just got a regular brand. Can you talk to your usual doctor?

      1. Interesting. My dh just started berberine for his blood sugar, but he can’t stand to lose even an ounce. I’ll have to make sure he’s keeping an eye on his weight.

   5. I would first have a conversation with your doctor and get some blood work done to assess your needs.
      Lack of energy and brain fog can have a variety of reasons, from hormonal/(peri)menopause to Long Covid, iron or vitamin deficiencies, thyroid issues etc etc etc.

      Starting a random supplement will just make your pee more expensive (these were the exact words from my doctor friend).

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