Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Italian Wool Stand-Collar Blazer

196 Comments

1. After over 6 months on the waitlist, I finally got in to the Rancho Gordo Bean Club and just received my first shipment! What are some of your favorite bean recipes? Bonus points for vegetarian.

   1. Ribollita is one of my favorites. Very easy to make vegetarian, and a great way to use up an old parmesan cheese rind.

   2. I eat beans almost every day, but most of the time I don’t really have a recipe. A few I can actually link to:
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1017247-black-bean-chorizo-stew (I make it with soyrizo)
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1027399-smoky-bean-and-sweet-potato-burritos
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020433-cowboy-caviar
      https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/lentil-salad-with-tomato-and-dill-232495

      NYT Cooking has lots of good ones that I riff on, and I’ve liked Hetty Lui McKinnon’s recipes there and in her cookbooks.

   3. I’m still thinking about that comment that it’s gross and rude to serve beans to guests. What if they’re Rancho Gordo beans??!

      1. I thought that was so funny. I mean, what do you think vegetarians eat? I ask my guests about dietary issues and am happy to accommodate them, but most vegetarians (and most people around the world) eat beans pretty regularly, it’s not some bizarre unheard of food!

         1. eh, the point was that beans as a surprise main course, particularly one that is traditionally meat, is not always welcome. Even for people who regularly eat beans, an unexpected large quantity can be unpleasant!

            Beans in side dishes, have at it!

            1. Right?

               I’m fine with a chili with beans or refried beans in a taco bar. Lentil stroganoff?

            2. But the alternative seems to be an unsatisfying vegetarian meal, a complaint I personally agree with: salad, or cauliflower, or vegetable soup and bread, as much I might enjoy them, are not really a meal. You do need some protein, and beans are one of the easier ways to add it. I also eat a lot of tofu and tempeh, but I wasn’t under the impression that most people preferred those to beans (plus they mostly work in Asian inspired dishes, and there are also people who find those objectionable).

            3. idk about others, but I’m fine with a more carb-and-cheese type of meal at a vegetarian’s house. It’s one meal, it’s not going to tank my protein needs overall. Bring on eggplant lasagne, cheese (with or without veggie toppings) pizza, a baked potato bar with cheese and veggies and possible bean chili topper, etc. Or, say, split pea soup is hearty and filling but not as heavy on the possible bloat after as a bowlful of lentils would be.

            4. anyway, I got sucked into a thing I don’t like, which is a second-day thread on the same subject, so I will stop talking lol.

               On topic of the actual thread, I LOVE pasta fagiole and you could omit the panchetta to keep it veg.

            5. Yeah, I eat plenty of things that just happen to be vegetarian. Trying to recreate meat dishes with beans is what I have a problem with.

            6. Haha this is amazing. A few weeks ago I mentioned one of the many meals I’d cooked for my in laws was homemade black bean burgers, and the posters were so unhinged about the beans that I haven’t visited this place since. Today was such a slow workday I logged on again, and we’re having another bean-related meltdown!

            7. This is so silly. A shepherd’s pie is literally mostly a deep layer of mashed potato.

         2. I swear half the posters here have destroyed their digestive systems with the standard American diet and instead of fixing the issue just double down.

            1. Empirically, I don’t think that that is true. Food sensitivities are a thing, like food allergies. No one causes their peanut allergy. Or their sensitivity to lentils. Or to have celiac.

               I think that some people don’t like beans. That is different. MANY people, regardless of diet, fail to get enough fiber. When they get a lot more, their body may not handle it well; that is almost not news.

            2. Nope. I eat salads with beans as protein for most lunches, and often have Indian vegetarian stews with hummus, carrots, and pita for dinner. But presented with a bowl of lentils as a main course, that is just too much at once.

               I think it was an extreme hypo yesterday and that’s what has most of us saying ehhhhhh….

            3. There’s plenty of actual research on microbiome in USA. Some of it is diet related (especially from preservatives and other additives in processed foods). A lot of it is from medications (especially antibiotics but also others). We don’t have great methods for restoring a healthy microbiome once there’s dysbiosis. Our food and drug regulations are focused on safety in terms of toxicity, not in terms of effects on our ability to digest foods.

               The status quo right now is that every tenth adult in the USA has IBS, and it’s not currently fixable. It can involve issues with fiber and with FODMAPs that are common in common fibrous foods. A subset of IBD patients are asked to avoid fiber, and dysautonomia patients and others who have gastroparesis are asked to avoid fiber. People with low stomach acid or who have lowered their stomach acid with PPIs can have a hard time with foods that are harder to digest.

               We need better interventions than restricted diets, but we don’t have them yet.

            4. Agree. I feel like people have also forgotten how to socialize. If you’re offended that someone serves beans or lentils, which are very common foods, maybe you need to get out more. Or I guess less, if you’re going to gossip about how terrible a meal was. I thought picky eating was a boomer thing but I guess not.

         3. I don’t personally have anything against beans but I’m vegetarian and don’t eat them often. There are a lot of other vegetarian foods, especially if you’re the kind of vegetarian who eats cheese and eggs.

         4. The rise of beans with vegetarians coincides with the general protein trend. I’m old enough to remember when very few vegetarians ate many beans. Mushrooms were the main course substitute.

            1. I think you mean *American/Anglo vegetarians

            2. I’m a long time vegetarian who doesn’t especially like mushrooms, and my husband won’t eat them at all (but loves beans), so I’ve always gone for beans over mushrooms or eggplant, which he also doesn’t love. I wouldn’t have been wild about the lentil shepherds pie because I hate mashed potatoes, but I would have eaten it anyway, focusing on the lentils.

               I do think that it generally works better to ask guests about food preferences and to make a variety of dishes with separate components that people can assemble or mix and match, rather than sticking everyone with only one thing unless you know they like it.

         5. I always ask for any restrictions when I invite folks over. TBH, I don’t recall beans ever coming up. Maybe I just run in more veg-heavy circles, I dunno.

            1. Same here. Also I called an audible last night and made America’s Test Kitchen Spaghetti All’Assassanina and my vegetarian guests loved it. Bonus: it’s actually vegan so put it in your back pocket for your vegan guests.

            2. It’s because people didn’t routinely serve beans before. Now I’m noting I need to say it. I used to just be able to not order it and never have it served in someone’s home. And I’m from Northern California with plenty of vegetarians around.

            3. Funny, gallo pinto, cuban black beans, black eye peas w/ham and rice and chana masala have been part of this omnivore’s regular rotation since the 90s. Beans as a main course aren’t new to most of the world (and I’m a rural American!)

      2. Too funny! No one ever tries to prepare a vegetarian option for me. I have zero idea why meat eaters think I need to prepare a meat option for them. Or serve them vegetarian children’s food, like a not that scary lasagna. We entertain a lot without bizarre accommodations.

         1. I really don’t think us meat eaters think that. We still don’t actually know what the deal was with OP’s rude guest unless they actually said that they expected meat.

   4. NYT Cooking is a good source for recipes. Don’t miss out on joining the Facebook group. That is an endless source of bean recipes. Maybe buy a RG book or Cool Beans.

   5. The recipes that are included in the Bean Club shipments are very good. I have never made one that I didn’t like. There are lots of recipes at the RG website, also.

      1. This! On really cold days, I also take advantage of the weather to cook my Bean Club shipment, then portion in can-size portions to freeze for easier use later. They kick any bean recipe you already know and like up a notch. I don’t usually put my RG beans in really heavily spiced dishes like chili, where they get overpowered, but there’s nothing wrong with doing so.
         When I mentioned the really cold days, it makes it to where I can lay the portioned bags flat on a table on the porch, then they quickly freeze that way. I can then fit a ton of them neatly in the freezer. Gotta make those -10 days good for something.

   6. Man, this whole thread is why people don’t entertain as much anymore – I can’t eat meat! I can’t eat beans! Potatoes are yucky! That meal doesn’t have enough protein!

      And then people complain about loneliness.

      Honestly, everyone can survive one subpar meal every once in a while. Eat what you can, thank the host, and enjoy being with friends.

      1. Yes, eat what you can, thank the host, and enjoy yourself! I eat before I leave so I’m not hungry. It’s fine!

      2. No kidding. Be a gracious guest and deal.

         1. It’s all fine well and good until the ungracious host asks why you’re not eating a pile of beans. I know how to be polite but many hosts do not.

            1. Woe is me

            2. -Don’t put beans on your plate?
               -Take a deep breath when someone asks you why you’re not eating beans, because it’s really not an offensive question?
               -Get better friends if they’re harassing you about not eating beans?
               -Politely say “oh, beans don’t agree with me,” smile, and immediately change the subject by complimenting another dish?

               Literally how do you all make it through the day.

            3. You have a friend that literally put a pile of plain beans on your plate, serving you instead of letting you serve yourself? Really? Really?!

            4. Just stop being rude hosts and you won’t be so offended by the fact that many people don’t eat beans.

      3. I love inviting people over for a meal and try to ask about dietary restrictions. I’m happy to accommodate restrictions, even complicated ones for someone I care about, but it’s wild to me that there are commenters who think it’s fine to call a host rude for not catering to undisclosed dietary needs.

         I would be so hurt if I went to the trouble of inviting someone and making a special meal if they then criticized what I made because it didn’t meet a dietary need or preference that they didn’t disclose when accepting the invitation. Luckily, it’s never happened and I hope I never invite someone who would do that.

         1. Just mention what you’re thinking of making, that’s a whole lot easier than asking for people’s medical histories.

            1. If this works for you when you host and people who host you are happy to do this, good for you.

               If someone has allergies and intolerances they don’t want to disclose to me, but rather just have veto over a proposed menu, I don’t think me cooking for them is going to be very fun for either of us or even safe for them (what if my version includes an allergen when they didn’t expect it?!). I’d hope they’d tell me that they have complicated dietary needs and decline my invitation.

            2. It absolutely works for me. I say what I’m thinking of cooking and talk to my guests. If someone hates tomatoes and I was going to make a tomato pie, it’s good to know and easy to make something else. When you’re handed a list of restrictions, it feels like a Top Chef competition I don’t want to be in. I also make note of people’s preferences and use that to guide future meals. It’s all much easier than “who’s a vegetarian.”

      4. I often invite people over saying “I’m making chicken chili” or Brunswick stew or whatever. I can send the ingredients in the e-mail or text (which I do out of habit for meals I have to make for groups of strangers like at church or meal trains, where a cancer patient may have a real need to know every item). Not a biggie. But I’m making what I’m making and you don’t have to come (or can come and pick or just eat the bread).
         Likewise, if invited, I’d go for the company more than the food (and would go to anything but a seated plated dinner where I loathed all the food). I can do a meal of bread, butter, and water just fine (girl dinner!), but love to be around my people even if I’m not also around my preferred dishes.

         1. Yeah there’s some bizarre attempt to blame picky eating in boomers, but that’s not the generations who are bizarrely insistent that they need to be catered to in this fashion.

         2. This is the way.

   7. I really like the black bean chili from the original Greens cookbook. I also like white bean and tuna salad in the summer. And the Bob’s Red Mill chopped salad with pepperoncini .

   8. Yay! No recipes, just happy for you OP!

2. WWYD. We have the only kids in the entire family so we’ve always hosted Christmas (all are welcome to come the night before but the Main Event is around lunch, sometimes my mom, brother or sister prefered to come the night before).

   My adult brother (30) and his long-time live-in girlfriend who is lovely live about 3 hours from us, right near girlfriend’s entire extended family, and in the same town as my dad. Before my brother was with his girlfriend, he used to come to my house for Christmas day (either the night before, morning of, or mid-day). GF’s family has grown and now she has a lot of adorable nieces and nephews as well.

   The problem is this: for the past 3 years, my brother has said he’d be coming up for Christmas [with his GF] and then last minute bailed. Once it was because she didn’t feel well, once because they didn’t feel well, and once it was because the [Christmas] day got away from them and they ended up not feeling up for the drive.

   I really, really don’t mind if they want to stay local to them for the day. I think in their hearts they want to come up, but when the time comes it’s just too much for them to see her family and then trek 3 hours to see mine. But I *hate* being cancelled on. We always make sure to have lots of gifts and stocking stuffers for them, GF has a million dietary restrictions and I always make meals she can tolerate. It would be so much better to know in advance that they aren’t coming.

   Is there any way to gracefully handle this? If they *do* come and I don’t prepare, then I feel terrible. But we are going on year 4 of no-show and I am not looking forward to all the extra work for nothing.

   1. Time for an honest conversation with your brother, especially if you’re OK with letting him off the hook (so to speak) from coming to your house. This is the kind of thing that really, really bothers me. If you can’t come, I completely understand. If I sense that you’re repeatedly flaking on me, especially when I’m making a huge effort like you are, I start to get angry and resentful.

   2. “Hey bro, I wanted to talk to you about Christmas Day. The last three years in a row, we’ve been super excited to have you guys and we’ve had gifts prepared but then you haven’t been able to come. It’s a lot to do two big family things in one day and I completely understand if you can’t commit to us too, but I really need to know in advance.”

      Something similar to that. He probably doesn’t know you went all out with gifts and meals before and letting him know that might be a reminder that it’s rude to bail.

   3. I think the graceful way to handle it is to be a slightly less gracious host. Even if you have a talk with your brother about the importance of not flaking out, that won’t prevent him from doing it.

      My vote is, scale way back on the gifts and stocking stuffers – get them one or two basic things that can easily be regifted to someone else or held onto til the next birthday. And for the food prep, don’t plan the whole meal around the GF – let bro know in advance what you’ll be serving and buy a frozen appetizer/main that will suit her and heat it up if/when they arrive.

      1. This is where I would land, but I would probably also add a sister-to-brother honest conversation of “ok… are you really coming this time? we’d love to have you but also get that it’s a lot for you and in the past has ended up being too much.”

      2. +1. This is what I would do too.

         1. This seems like a sad outcome to me. OP has to make her Christmas efforts and loving gestures to family less meaningful to count for someone who is simply flaking out.

            1. But the only gestures that are being affected are those that are directed to the folks who are flaking. Isn’t that less sad than OP going through a ton of effort only to end up having done it for nothing?

               FWIW: I’m team “have an honest conversation with Brother” in conjunction with this. My brother and I live far apart, and it’s a lot of effort fo each of us if we end up hosting each other for a holiday. We have been (politely, lovingly) honest with each other (and with the respective partners) about this effort and expectations/plans. Ultimately, it’s allowed us to let each other off the hook gracefully for 1) a ton of prep when we get together and 2) for a trip that we’d really like to make, but that ends up being A Lot in the end.

            2. But real talk, those gestures are not meaningful to brother and gf because they don’t care enough to be there. They are OP’s idea of meaningful, and while they are objectively nice, they are a lot and kind of unnecessary.

      3. The brother isn’t flaking, he’s working out his adult life with his girlfriend, who’s probably going to be around since it’s been three prior years. I agree a real conversation is in order, but no lectures. She’s no more entitled to his presence than anyone else.

         1. He is 100% flaking. He could be an adult about it and tell his sister upfront that he’s not coming, but he’s choosing not to do that and he doesn’t get any slack for that. I know a lot of people on this page really resist this, but flaking is incredibly rude.

            1. Yes, but if they are sick then it’s not flaking. My family got the stomach bug on Christmas Eve last year and bailed on our dinner plans. It’s thoughtful to stay home when you aren’t feeling well. Not feeling the drive is flaking….unless they drank too much and are making another responsible choice.

               I would cut back on the gifts (they are adults! They don’t need stockings from his sister!) and make one portion of the meal she can eat.

            2. I bet the years they were sick, they still went to local festivities.

            3. Possibly, but as a parent I get extra annoyed when potentially sick people come over. I would try to take them at their word and appreciate it.

               Usually at our family gatherings it’s the opposite, and actively puking kids show up.

         2. I’m the OP. I think my brother is getting guilted by my parents to attend Christmas, so he says yes. I’ve offered the out before. It’s really nice to see them but also, I’ve been in their shoes and I completely get it.

            As the host I just need to know in advance but last time when we had this chat he really wanted to come…and then it was too much for them (understandably!). This year I’ve already thrown out that we are going skiing and they are welcome to join us up at the ski house later in the week instead (or in addition) but I’m not sure that will work for them either. We would be happy to head down to them for a holiday but they don’t host, it’s her family so they don’t really have anywhere to invite us to, which I also get!

            1. Hi OP. This is solidly Not Your Job(tm), but if your family dynamic allows: when I hosted and my out-of-town brother would get guilt from my parents to come in similar circumstances, my brother and I jointly called them to let them know that it wasn’t going to work out, so that my brother wasn’t the “bad guy.”

               Now that I’m the one who lives further away, my brother has done the same for me – which is greatly appreciated. I love my family, but I live a plane ride away now, and my in-laws are 15 minutes away. Sometimes you just can’t do both, as you note!

            2. Could you move the whole family festival to Christmas Eve? I get why your parents want all of their kids together on one day, but Christmas Day clearly doesn’t work for your brother.

               If the main event is around lunch and your brother has a three hour drive, he would have to leave at 9am. I would bet that’s just when his girlfiend’s family event is starting. But if he is getting pressure from your parents, it’s easier to say he is coming and back out day of.

   4. I’d talk to them and see if they’d rather come another day around Christmas, assuming they even want to do that. Or just do less for them. You should still have some food them, but don’t go so out of your way that you feel put out when they cancel, which is understandable at this point.

      1. +1 to both. Have a chat, and do less. Especially dial back presents between adults. You could even tell your brother ‘I’m making abc for your girlfriend, can she eat that?’ and it can serve both as a gentle reminder not to flake on you, but also inform her that she can bring something else if she wants more options.

   5. The idea that they can do Christmas with her large and extended family, and then get in a car and drive for three hours to do Christmas with your family, is just entirely unrealistic! It’d be rough to do even if both families were in the same town, but with a 3-hour drive in between, it seems inevitable that it’s going to go badly.

      Can you just call it and end the attempts to make it work? Invite them up the next day or later in the week, or at New Years.

      1. +1

         Hey Bro, we’d like to try something different this year so that it’s a more relaxed time to see you guys. Would you like to come a few days later?

         Bonus points if you offer to come to them. The person with kids often assumes they should never be expected to do the traveling in these circumstances, which gets highly annoying to everyone else who would ALSO rather not be driving 6 hours.

   6. One of the hard parts about holidays as my family has aged is that there needs to be a revision every few years in what we do, how we handle gifts for the adults and kids outside of our nuclear families, when we schedule the family gathering, and what we all expect from each other. Your family has hit that time.

      I’d suggest figuring out whether you want to move your celebration to another day, and beginning to dial back on “we always make sure to have lots of gifts and stocking stuffers.”

      1. +1. The OP seems focused on what works for her and her kids, without acknowledging that others in the family also have things going on. I would have a conversation with my siblings and mom about what works. Would it be better to move the big family meal to Christmas Eve? A few days later in the week?

   7. Do nothing. They are 2 people. If they were a family of 5, I could see how it would complicate your planning and hosting endeavors. As someone who also hosts most holidays, I can say with confident that a shift of 2 people dropping out changes nothing other than how many place settings you put out. Would you really change the menu? I suppose you could, but why pick the fight just in order to do so? Resist the temptation to be the attendance police. I get that it is rude on their part – you are correct, it 100% is rude. But with family, I think it is worth it to extend grace to minor inconveniences and faux pas like this one.

      1. Eh it’s also kind of rude to assume everyone comes to you because you have kids. It sounds like conversations need to happen.

      2. A quote from the OP: “We always make sure to have lots of gifts and stocking stuffers for them, GF has a million dietary restrictions and I always make meals she can tolerate. It would be so much better to know in advance that they aren’t coming.”

      3. OP here, and yeah, it does. Because it’s really just my family of 5 + my sister and my dad. My brother’s girlfriend has pretty serious dietary restrictions. It’s not like she just doesn’t eat meat, it takes a lot to make sure we have stuff she can eat and feel included (she can’t have gluten, nuts, most berries, is lactose intolerant, and I think something else too, i do always double check in advance!) and having a GF friendly menu is something I absolutely do– when they are going to be there. If not, I don’t tweak the menu or make different versions that she can eat.

         FWIW, she is wonderful, this is not about either of them personally.

         1. I will reiterate: Do nothing. None of what you shared is worth picking a potential fight. And if it wasn’t a potential fight, you wouldn’t be seeking recommendations about what to do. This is melodrama for the sake of melodrama, and no one will appreciate that.

            1. Yeah, you need to be flexible. If you made gluten free bread, carefully wrap it and freeze it. Ship the gifts.

   8. Hey bro, hope you can make it. Just a heads up I’m not making GF special dishes this year since the last three years you’ve cancelled last minute, so make sure you bring stuff for her. Get them one gift each. You’re spending all this time and money and effort and no one is making you and they don’t care. Just. Don’t.

      1. +1. Only give as much as you can without feeling resentful. One gift you can mail or easily bring with you if you see them later.

   9. Show him what you just wrote

   10. Most people handle this by splitting the holiday in some way — Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or alternating years. I would just ask him if it would be better for them to celebrate with you the night before or do something else on Christmas Day.

       1. OP here, and this has been suggested. It’s is his (their?) idea to come up on the day of.

          1. If you have a relationship with her, maybe reach to her instead. Let’s be real that some men aren’t realistic about these kinds of issues.

          2. Have you talked about shifting the whole family event to Christmas Eve? Otherwise, he doesn’t get to see parents or other sister.

   11. I don’t agree with the other posters necessarily. I would be more direct. “I love you, brother, and you are always welcome. But if you prefer to spend the holiday with your girlfriends family, there are no hard feelings.”

       1. I agree with this. Many people have forgotten the true adage, a son is your son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all her life.

   12. A social invitation is an invitation, not a court summons. And the holidays should be a fun occasion to get together. Listen to yourself. Complaining because someone can’t attend because they are sick or injured or too tired to drive safely in the snow, makes you the asshole. Be glad when they can attend and an understanding relative when they can’t.

       1. The problem is they’ve said “Yes, we’re coming” three years in a row and then cancelled at the very last minute. It sounds as if they’ve even cancelled on the day of. That’s pretty rude, especially when the excuse is “don’t feel up to it.”

          Well, I bet the hostess didn’t feel “up to” making a very special, very restricted menu for the girlfriend in anticipation of her presence, but she did. I’d be ticked off and firm “tell me if you’re really planning to come or not. I really won’t mind if you don’t.”

          1. Weirdly, illness, accidents and snow storms don’t give advance warning. Nor do flare ups of chronic diseases. She should not be rigid and ruin her relationship with her brother by not understanding that shit happens.

   13. Also, are your kids disappointed? Why not just be honest instead of disappointing everyone?

3. I dont think anyone here is in this demographic, but asking anyway:

   Does anyone here have a silver tea set? With a pitcher, dishes for sugar and lemon (does that work with the acid in the silver) and maybe cream, and tea cups?

   I don’t, but my mother had two (maybe one from a grandparent?) and my dad doesn’t want them. My girls are too old to play tea party. Do you just keep and put in a cabinet for posterity and because it’s really pretty?

   I drink hot tea only when I’m sick and then it’s doctored up with powdered Tang and lemonade mix. It’s barely even tea and I drink it by the liter in a Nalgene. In the summer I drink ice tea, also in large quantities. I’m too old to become Hyacinth Bouquet. WWYD?

   1. Yes, I have my grandmother’s. Most is stored in silvercloth but I have the pitcher out and use it as a vase all year. I use the silver tray as part of Christmas decor.

   2. Huh? “No one here is in this demographic?” Another day, another random ass musing.

   3. If you don’t want it, don’t keep it. You could sell it. If you have the space to store it (and don’t mind), you could consider keeping it for your daughters to see if they want it once they’re grown. Two options – choose one!

   4. I wouldn’t keep it just because. Antique stores and flea markets are full of this kind of stuff because hardly anyone uses them anymore.

   5. Omg give it to me. Tang?! You don’t deserve to have this an outrage against tea

   6. I have two tubs of family silver, including many trays and tea sets. I am going to sell it to someone who will melt it down. I need to sort it into silver quality (sterling, nickel, etc), which is the only reason I still have it.

      1. Nooo! I would buy it for more than the scrap value!

   7. So maybe it’s because I’m fully Gen X and sentimental to a fault, but I love this stuff. I have my grandmother’s silver and will likely get my other grandmother’s when my mom downsizes. Like someone else said above, I often use the pitcher as a vase. And try to use the rest of the pieces at the holidays on the table. I do not understand the disposable nature of millennials and Gen Z. I love the idea that my family that’s now gone used these pieces and treasured them.

      1. If it makes you feel any better, my Gen Z daughter and her friends LOVE this stuff and snark endlessly about Millennials love of plain white dinner ware. My daughter not only wanted my grandmother’s tea set, but she also went to considerable trouble on her own to replace some of the missing pieces and owns and uses my grandmother’s china. (She also has my parents’ old Dansk flatware that they put aside for her when they inherited my grandmother’s silver.)

         It is not universal that every person over 40 things we should all just trash our stuff.

   8. I have a set from my great grandmother and I have never used it for serving tea but I have it on display in a hutch (I have a small but older house) and I like having something that connects me to my ancestors.

   9. I have 3 small pieces from my grandmother’s silver set. It was all she gave me – I’m not sure what happened to the rest of the set. I have them on display on a shelf in my kitchen. Seeing them makes me happy. Maybe find a way to display it, or part of it.

   10. Yes and you don’t have to be so limited in what you use it for.

   11. Could you use it as a vase? That’s the only time I use my china. Sometimes I’ll use my sugar bowl as a cache pot for herbs.

   12. Donate it. It’s almost assuredly not worth anything. (It’s stamped on the bottom – take a second to google or post the name.)

       And yes, I have a tea set and an entire closet full of silver serving dishes that I use. (Most of which I got at Goodwill for a couple dollars.) But I’m southern and enjoy fancy entertaining. I have never used the tea set and don’t plan to; it was a gift from my well-intentioned mom, so it stays.

       And no, none of the pieces in the set are for lemon. You’re correct about the acid. It’s generally just cream and sugar. If you have two pitchers, it’s generally tea and water or tea and coffee.

   13. No but I want one! They are fun for holidays. I’m hoping I can snag one of the family ones when my parents downsize, but I’d take my MIL’s one even though it’s not a style I would choose otherwise.

   14. My cousin does, and it’s used every day. Maybe not all the bits but the silver teapot definitely. I say take it and use it!

4. I have a teen who is starting to look at colleges (and colleges, not huge comprehensive universities). I’m also reading about limits on foreign students (who seem to be budget-balancers for many schools), reduced research funding, reduced student loan borrowing, and humanities department buyouts. I know Mills College merged with Northeastern and maybe a lot of that will happen. But a part of me wonders if colleges will really be a thing by the time he is a senior (probably for the nationally-ranked ones in the NEUS but that’s not him or our geographic area). I know there are some college admins here — is it OK or as dire as the doom college groups on FB make it out to be? Open to anecdotes and advice.

   1. I have a college student and work at a college. I think those concerns mostly apply to bottom-of-the-barrel small colleges and lower-tier state universities subject to political grandstanding. If he’s looking at SLACs with admit rates lower than 75% or so it should be fine for the next few years.

      1. Admit rates of 40-60% are likely OK then? I feel like if 5-10% of students were foreign (now MIA and likely studying in Europe), that is a huge budget hole, even without counting in research funding at R1 and R2 type schools.

         1. There’s no “hole.” Unless the school has a >95% admit rate and very few do, they can just admit more Americans.

            The issue is mainly at public universities where international students subsidize in-state students. In-state tuition doesn’t begin to cover the full cost of attendance so international students subsidize them. Out of state Americans do too, but less so than international students. This doesn’t apply to private colleges though.

   2. What’s wrong with universities? I’m confused.

      1. Likely nothing is wrong with them, but they just aren’t what some kids want. Or they are looking at them and also at fallbacks in case they don’t get into their top pick.

   3. A thousand small schools could close, and there will still be plenty of small schools. Do you have any idea how many schools are out there trying to make ends’ meet with fewer than a thousand students? A LOT. (Google tells me it is 40% of colleges.) Many of them are constantly fighting for survival, but really, a lot of them should bite the bullet and close with some dignity while they still have choices about how to do so.

      1. How do you know which is which? It’s not like a Big4 firm gives “we have going-concern concerns” letter for colleges. Is there a standard annual report? I know for some, if they use bonds to pay for construction projects, they do have to show some financials, but otherwise? I’m not assuming state schools are safe — ours seem to be putting some departments on a diet and reducing offerings (good luck being a classics major, but you can probably get a person with a PhD in classics now teaching your “medical terminology” class that is needed for many pre-health professions).

         1. assuming it’s a not for profit they have to file a 990 which are open and available on line as a matter of public record.

   4. It’s both okay and dire. Everything you wrote is true — international students are being prevented from enrolling because of visa changes, which changes the financial picture for many places. Research funding is being paused or withdrawn. College budgets are being changed very quickly because of federal stupidity as well as an enrollment cliff, so there are ways colleges are being charged with becoming more “efficient,” which sometimes translates to bad curricular decisions and thoughtless shifts designed to respond (badly, in my opinion) to a changing market.

      But the idea that “college won’t be a thing” by the time your kid is going is ridiculous. What is happening, and what will keep happening by design, is that colleges will be preserved for the wealthy and elite. The regional, community, and smaller colleges that were created to serve different populations have started and will continue to close.

   5. It’s bad but not that dire. Would recommend looking at endowment size…. Rich schools are fine. There are also usually rounds of cutting humanities majors, programs, etc prior to closure, so look for that. But plenty of colleges will survive (I teach at a small college that’s doing fine)

   6. Small schools have been closing or merging for a while, but good ones will not go anywhere.

   7. Ehh, all of the above are bad for schools, and it’s always hard to make a small college work financially – but we are a long, long way from “no small colleges exist!”.

      For what it’s worth, I went to a very small school (300 students total), and they are constantly sending alumni emails about the dire financial situation driving tradeoffs like cancelling some of the smallest classes, raising tuition, etc – but they also still have a significant endowment. Obviously, you’re not supposed to really spend the endowment, but they are a long way from shutting down, even though the financial pinch is real.

      If there’s a particular couple of schools he’s really interested in, he could look up their annual report and get a better feel of how stable they are. If nothing else, being able to read an organization’s big picture financials is a useful life skill – I’m constantly astonished at how many of my (bright!) colleagues have no idea what our quarterly earnings reports say

   8. is this a real post or are you bored? Wells college closed. Amherst, williams, vassar and any number of nationally ranked highly selective Liberal arts schools are still going strong. if you have a teenager currently college is still going to be a thing when they would be applying. is your kid a competitive student? do their goals and aspirations require a college degree? what are your value systems and expectations, do you want them to go to college? what are your finances? i would think more about what works for you and your kid and less about the larger landscape.

      1. Is Wells closed? I thought Northeastern was using it as a pressure-relief valve, especially for freshman who they can’t house (so many go to Ireland or Wells, at least for their first semester). Wells looked like a lovely school — a friend’s mother went there. It would be nice to be able to be somewhere else in the US as part of college (vs just studying abroad) if the classes were easy to “count” in your home school’s program. I live in the SEUS and Northeastern has a campus here (maybe just for some graduate programs; it seems to be not residential — just classroom space).

         1. Northeastern bought Mills College (Oakland, California). They did not buy Wells College (Aurora, New York), which closed.

      2. Of course she’s bored. Again.

   9. There is a huge gap between the the nationally-ranked SLAC (not all of which are in the NE) and the small struggling colleges that are likely to close over the next five years. Is your kid looking at colleges with close to a 100% admit rate? Be worried, both that the college will close and that he won’t get a good education worth the money. Is he looking at nor overly-selective colleges that still have standards? It’s a lot less likely that it will close.

      Also, How big is the student body? Has it been decreasing drastically over the past 20 years or staying pretty steady? Does the college have involved alumni? What’s the job placement rate?

   10. The institutions hardest hit by actions of the current administration are research universities, not SLACs. Plenty of SLACs were on shaky ground before the current administration, and they are likely not in an improved position. Advice given about researching an institution’s endowment, looking at anything you can find regarding its financial position, is spot on. Also, search for news articles and look for past issues of the campus newspaper to see whether there have been contractions, layoffs, fights over academic freedom, or instability in leadership in the past few years. Honestly, given the demographics and finances, there are many institutions that probably should fold, there would still be ample capacity and institutional diversity, and the overall system of higher education would be stronger for it.

       1. Your last couple of sentences are exactly right. We would be far better off if a decent chunk of universities folded and other institutions could absorb the students. That way, instead of slow collapse as they all compete for the same demographic and slowly get bled dry, shedding departments and courses and services, some would fold and the others would be able to be viable.

   11. Look up the approximate amount of their endowment. Colleges with endowments > around 100 million usd have enough cushion to course correct and deal with demographic changes and whatever shenanigans this administration has up its sleeve.

5. A few random “things I bought and enjoyed” thoughts on this Thursday:

   I bought my niece and nephew those Pillowfort weighted stuffies from Target for Christmas, and I am not ashamed to say that I might love them as much as they will! They have such a satisfying weight to them and a comforting, sweet presence. Highly recommend for any kids in your life.

   Book rec for puzzle lovers in your life: The new NYT Games book Puzzle Mania is truly incredible! I was a little skeptical since I’m so used to the games being digital, but they have embraced the print form with fun twists on Connections, Wordle, Crosswords, etc (including the Spelling Bee they think is the hardest they’ve ever run!), plus a lot of other types of games, from emoji decoding to acrostic puzzles to a crossword puzzle that is actually meant to have words be longer than the spaces provided, just for an extra challenge. I am so into it.

   Highly recommend those tiny pocket-sized Aquaphor tubs. In my experience, nothing is better for the hands in winter. I bought one for my car, one for my bag, one for beside the bed, and one for next to the computer. Pairing this with the Burt’s Bees lemon cuticle cream at night has transformed my hands!

   Anyone have anything fun you’ve enjoyed lately to share?

   1. Geometry Home tea towels. They’re 20% off today and are a great little gift – I just ordered two for friends and one for my own kitchen. This is the second one I’ve bought’. The quality is great; in fact, I think they get better with time.

   2. Aquaphor now makes hand and foot masks products, and they’re on sale for blk friday on Amazon. Stocking stuffers sorted!

6. My life is truly wild right now. My friends are wondering what is even going on; the ones who haven’t caught up in a month sit down with cocktails before asking what’s new. The people at the front desk at the gym ask for updates and tell me it’s better than anything on Netflix. Professionals in some of the fields impacting this are shell-shocked when I explain.

   I don’t know what I’m looking for. Someone to tell me that it can make a great screen play, or at least something to laugh about in the years to come. Commiseration. War stories. Self care routines. Recommendations for bath bombs and light reading. Dark comedies that make this look normal.

   1. What the hell?

      1. Is anyone else a little unsettled by the slightly manic, very scattered posts in this genre that seem to be cropping up more than ever before? I’m not being snarky – I find them truly unsettling and it’s hard to pinpoint why.

         1. This is the third one today! The tea set, the colleges, and now this one. Are they all the same person? A bot? I’m not sure which is more disturbing, if they’re real or made up.

            1. I know everyone hates comment detective but I’m almost certain it’s the same person – references to Hyacinth Bucket, college, and current periods of stress (elder care, relatives with CKD) come up frequently. I know others have seen it too – I’m certainly not the only one to comment before. But I may be the first to admit to being consistently unsettled by it. Something about those posts creeps me out.

            2. There was also a series of “How do I do outdoors?” posts over several years, starting several years ago, that had the same vibe (as the college, elder care, etc. posts) but have not appeared recently. Hadn’t realized that until now.

            3. Haha, no, it doesn’t bother me a bit. Obviously she doesn’t want to out herself. If it’s a bot, it’s much better than the “I just discovered all men are bad, can you relate?” or “I just discovered some people meal prep, I’m so amazed!”

            4. The tea set seemed fine! Probably sparked by the china convo yesterday.

            5. Yeah, what, how is the tea set one unsettling?

      2. It‘s Lindsay Halligan, obvs
         Welcome sista!

   2. I had a phase or two similar to you where I thought “now I’ll have some stuff to write about in my memoirs!” I recommend keeping a journal, maybe not for your memoirs, but that’s a possibility! It may seem impossible now, but over time the wildness faded from my memory so I would have liked a better personal story of what happened and how I was feeling at the time.

      It seems like you enjoy the shock from the peanut gallery. I would urge caution in how much or with whom you share. Sometimes others are less forgiving or less charitable. Keep a close circle of support.

   3. Huh?

   4. Well if you want to tell your story, either write an essay for a publication that accepts personal essays or start a blog or a memoir or something similar.

   5. IDK what’s going on with you, but there was a time in my life where all h3ll broke loose. The events made the news, people were coming out of the woodwork with messages and opinions, etc. It was overwhelming at the time, and I thought things would never be normal again.

      But here I am, a decade or so later, and life is the same steady drumbeat as it is for anyone else. Did those events fundamentally alter my life? Yes. Do I still have to cook meals, do laundry, pay taxes, scrub the toilet, etc.? Yes.

      In reality, humans are incredibly adaptable. Whatever insanity you think this is, someone has had it better, someone has had it worse, and eventually, all things become status quo.

      During my insanity, a lot of people had a lot of opinions about how I should react, how I should behave, etc. I looked in the mirror and asked myself who I wanted to be, and what actions I wanted to take to stay true to my perception of myself. I took those actions, and I don’t regret them. So figure out who you are, what kind of person you want to be, and what actions you want to take. Then do that. The rest of the mayhem will be as it will be.

      1. This is exactly what I was looking for – thank you!

         (To above commenters: I didn’t want to out myself. This is of the genre of “likely to hit the news.” Counterintuitively, it is actually helpful and grounding when people say that it’s wild; I know I’m not overwhelmed for no reason.)

      2. This is good advice.

      3. This is great all around advice.

      4. Great advice

   6. If you want an absolutely bonkers book to distract you, try “For Your Own Good”.

   7. how dare you post a comment like this and not give us the cliffnotes of the drama?? C’mon, we are at least as good as the front desk people at the gym!

      1. That’s a good point! (Also, I laughed, so thank you.)

         Short version: I filed this little legal case that made sense for me to file, acting as my own attorney (I’m a regulatory lawyer outside of this). It has completely taken on a life of its own and the discovery is shaping up to be the type of thing that makes the news.

         One person who is helping me is someone whom I met under a truly hilarious set of circumstances a few months ago. That story alone is comedy gold.

         After we got to know each other, I mentioned this little case and a particular gnawing question I had. He immediately seized on it and told me *exactly* where to find the smoking gun. So he’s actually now a retained expert.

         When I filed this case, my estimate was that it was meritorious enough that the defendants would probably give me a high-four figure or low-five figure settlement. Last week, I spoke to someone whose practice is in the area. Estimates are now more in the six to seven figure range.

         Back in September, a tree fell on my house. Everyone is okay, but this isn’t what I wanted in a “tree house” when I was a kid.

         My divorce is almost final. After a marriage that was not a marriage in any meaingful sense of the word, I had been lovely to spend time with emotionally available, stable, kind men. A few men whom I’ve known for a long time (an ex, someone I met right at the time I started dating my soon to be ex husband, etc.) have thrown their hats in the ring. I owe someone else a date after losing a bet, and, well, you get the picture.

         The front desk people at the gym don’t know anything about the case that isn’t already in the legal filings.

         1. Eh, trees fall and people divorce and people settle cases all the time. Usually you know at least 2-3 people at any given time doing these things and probably don’t realize it because they don’t make it your business.

            I would find the friends who reassure you that this isn’t that big a deal and this time in your life will pass, not the ones that need a cocktail to listen to you. By which I mean, find some perspective.

            1. Thanks for your input. I will give it all the attention it is due and ignore it.

            2. Six to seven figure cases? You know very different people than I do if this is “all the time” stuff.

      2. I should mention: the man whom I met under the “comedy gold” circumstances is someone who has spent 30 years in a niche field, and that happens to be the exact niche field that I need help in for this particular round of discovery.

   8. My family drama is drama-ing right now, and I find a lot of solace in TV sitcoms about ridiculous families and workplaces: Arrested Development, Kath & Kim, Fisk, 30Rock, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Brooklyn 99. Oh, and Big Love.

   9. Please share! This community isn’t big enough to out you – I’ve shared some of my deepest and very specific stories haha.

   10. Dude, nobody likes vaguebooking. Tell us more or don’t say anything at all.

7. A few random “things I bought and enjoyed” thoughts on this Thursday:

   I bought my niece and nephew those Pillowfort weighted stuffies from Target for Christmas, and I am not ashamed to say that I might love them as much as they will! They have such a satisfying weight to them and a comforting, sweet presence. Highly recommend for any kids in your life.

   Book rec for puzzle lovers in your life: The new NYT Games book Puzzle Mania is truly incredible! I was a little skeptical since I’m so used to the games being digital, but they have embraced the print form with fun twists on Connections, Wordle, Crosswords, etc (including the Spelling Bee they think is the hardest they’ve ever run!), plus a lot of other types of games, from emoji decoding to acrostic puzzles to a crossword puzzle that is actually meant to have words be longer than the spaces provided, just for an extra challenge. I am so into it.

   Highly recommend those tiny pocket-sized Aquaphor tubs. In my experience, nothing is better for the hands in winter. I bought one for my car, one for my bag, one for beside the bed, and one for next to the computer. Pairing this with the Burt’s Bees lemon cuticle cream at night has transformed my hands!

   Anyone have anything fun you’ve enjoyed lately to share?

   1. Love this. I posted about the bean box below (IYKYK) and that has been delighting me.

      I bought the blue mercury advent box and am looking forward to opening each day starting Dec 1. I have a daughter and friend I will share the goodies with. So the anticipation is the delightful part.

      My dog used to be scared of riding in the car but lately she is all about it. She went with me to pick up groceries curbside yesterday and she was SO EXCITED. I would like to be her!!

8. Anyone have a ninja flip toaster oven? I’m considering getting one for our very small kitchen but it’s hard to figure out how many reviews are just sponsored and/or AI written.

   1. My best friend has the flip air fryer, and it’s a total game changer. I love using it–it’s so great for making veggies or potatoes. It’s super-easy. Highly recommend.

   2. We’ve had it for about a year and use it daily. No complaints whatsoever, and it really does help with counter space.

   3. There was a whole NYT article on how good the Nina products are. I have their hair dryer and slushie machine and wouldn’t hesitate to buy something else by them.

   4. I have one from Costco. Works great. I’ve never had an air fryer before and I find it take longer than recipes usually recommend for timing, but I’ve no comparison point to know if that’s common. I do love that the heating is always timed so you can’t forget about it and leave it on.

   5. I just bought my second one (model 350 I think – the one with the searing place) but my first one is still going strong after 5 years and is being retired to our farm. We literally use it daily. Love that it flips up. There’s a very active Ninja Flip group on FB is you are looking for real reviews, recipes, pros/cons

9. Is it inappropriate to touch coworkers or am I overthinking it? Male colleague about 10-15 years older is very friendly and seems well-liked by others. We met for coffee one time but do not interact frequently as our work does not overlap. However, every time we do bump into each other he will touch my arm, shoulder, etc, in greeting. Once it was on the lower back as he approached from behind! I’m not sure if he does it with others but wanted to get a general sense if this is weird behavior.

   1. I don’t like being touched, but people do the types of things you describe in the workplace on a regular basis. I’m not wild about it, but I wouldn’t consider it inappropriate.

   2. It’s a bit handsy for work. I do not like to be touched by colleagues whether M or F. Just…not super-appropriate!

   3. I wouldn’t like it. I think the occasional hug is fine (more in the context of greeting people you haven’t seen in a long time than regular coworkers, though), but I really don’t like it when people just casually touch me. That just feels creepy, especially the lower back.

      1. I’ve been known to (very rarely) touch a shoulder, but lower back is NEVER okay.

         1. It’s not this serious for everyone. I do when I need someone to move and they’re just standing there–so combined with an “excuse me.”

            1. Yeah, I’m the Anon at 11:33 and I’m okay with that kind of touch, just not the touchy feely kind. Though I still think the lower back isn’t okay, especially not from an older man to a younger woman coworker.

            2. this is not the issue, assuming you’re tapping the person on the shoulder or elbow because you can’t otherwise get their attention. Lower back is where it starts to feel very personal (for many people, as seen on this thread), and for some, touches throughout a conversation feel pushy, not friendly.

   4. In the office, that stands out to me. It isn’t typical.

      Are you / he single? You have been out for coffee, so could he be reading you as interested? I read it that he is interested.

      1. Thanks! Neither of us are single. In our office it isn’t out of the norm to grab coffee and get to know others even if they do not work directly with you, but to ward off any miscommunication I did make sure to talk about my husband during the coffee!

         1. I would be wary. Pretty much every time an older man started touching me at work – married or not – he was interested in an affair.

   5. You’re not over thinking it. I’d be weirded out too.

      I’ve only touched colleagues at work a few times (elbow, shoulder), and it was to gossip.

   6. It could be fine if everyone is fine with it, but you are just as entitled to prefer less touch.

   7. Some people are more touchy, this is something I would be uncomfortable with but not in a “this guy is a creep” way, just a “cultural difference” way. Just make your distaste knon by stepping away and making a face when he touches you, since “no thank you”s, etc.

   8. I think some people are just touch-ers, but it is a bad idea in a work context, especially for a male, and the lower back does seem pretty out of the norm. I would try to pay attention to whether he does it to others, as that might help give you better perspective. Regardless of whether he is doing it to everyone, it is fair to ask him not to do it to you. I do not have suggestions for a good way to do that that wouldn’t be super awkward though.

   9. I personally don’t like to be touched by women or men unless we’re actual friends. There are a lot of women who are guilty of this as well and think I’m a hugger is a free pass to do it. If you don’t want him to touch you, address it. I wouldn’t read anything inappropriate into it just because he’s a man.

   10. Can you fend off the touch by preemptively sticking your hand out for a handshake?

       I would be weirded out by this, especially by the touch on the lower back.

   11. Arm or shoulder- I don’t like it but not totally out of ‘normal’ for work, particularly sales-y roles.

       Lower back- heck no, that is for romantic touch only!

       1. I worry we’re giving OP a complex about what could be a very normal/personal preference thing.

       2. Hm. I’ve been touched hundreds of thousands of times on the lower back by strangers/acquaintances although I agree it is loathsome. Everyone else has a different experience? I’m gen X, maybe the workplace has evolved since then?

          1. I can actually remember when people in the workplace were being encouraged by their therapists to engage in non-s*xual touch as an antidote to the hangups of the 1950s and 1960s (I can literally remember my dad’s therapist telling him to touch at least three people at work; he came from the kind of family where fathers and son shook hands.)

             This is all so incredibly generational/locale/person dependent. When I worked in the south perfectly lovely and not at all sketchy people did this kind of thing all the time and nobody thought anything of it. And honestly unless there was something else going on to make me suspicious, I would not think anything of brief touches to my clothed arms/shoulders or lower back.

   12. I realize I am a bit touchy – I might touch someone’s arm as I’m talking to them. But never the lower back. That definitely seems inappropriate to me.

   13. Yes, it’s weird.

   14. Tell him you prefer not to be touched. He will assume you are accusing him of improper motives/behavior and will actively avoid you in the future (and all of the people who think he is great will also actively avoid you). Or realize that he is probably harmless and well-meaning and get over it.

       Either is a valid choice you are entitled to make. But be aware of the choice you are making.

   15. Nope, that’s not cool and you should say so if you don’t like it.

10. I have to thank whomever recommended the Rancho Gordo Bean Club Members official group on FB. I joined the bean club and then was admitted to this exclusive group.

    My favorite part is not just the bean obsession, but the fact that when everyone’s bean shipment arrives they post pictures of their cats in the shipping box. For some reason, I find this adorable and hilarious.

    So, thanks!!

    1. Cats and beans? Prepare to be scolded!

       (Seriously though love this for you and so jealous as I love both so much.)

    2. And now you need this perfect bean lovers’ scarf: https://shopbluegreen.com/products/thinking-about-beans-silk-scarf?srsltid=AfmBOoonJa_Ck4oZwszLwKQXan2szh2bVSQqTs975VOknfWEuXLECX3a I have it and love how it brightens all my clothes in its quirkiness.

    3. So cute!

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