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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Ida Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This brand, Gravitas, is new to me, but it has several perfect-for-work pieces in a wide range of sizes. Score! I love this “Ida” dress with long sleeves and a V-neck. The material is described as a “techno-crepe,” which the company says is machine-washable and wrinkle-resistant. This dress comes in the gorgeous “mulberry” pictured here and also in black. (Editor's Note: Check out our post from a few years ago on workwear with secret shaping powers — it featured Gravitas and four other brands.) The dress is $235 and available in sizes XS–3X. Ida Dress For a similar purple at a lower price, try Eliza J or Donna Morgan (regular sizes) or Eloquii (plus sizes). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (edited)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

392 Comments

  1. DH and I drive an Acura RDX (2012, 85k miles, fully paid off) and Audi A4 (2013, 68k miles, still have high 4-figure loan with a very low rate on it). They’re in great shape and we plan to drive the RDX into the ground. The A4 was bought pre-kid and, while fun, it’s just not practical. At some point in the next 12-18 months we are likely to trade it in for a larger car that better fits our growing family needs.

    Apart from obvious wear and tear items (tires, brakes) how do you know when to take care of other things that are less obvious – spark plugs, flush transmission fluids, etc – and whether those things should be done with the dealer or a trusted local mechanic? Audi is notoriously expensive to repair. My gut says that because of the age of the car there’s no incremental value to have a paper trail showing the work was done at a dealership…. but I’m not sure if my gut is right. The Audi needs a solid tune up, tires, brakes, etc so it would absolutely add up at the dealership. The Acura needs about $2k of these non-obvious wear and tear items, according to the dealership’s recent multi-point inspection. I’m near certain we’ll take that to the local shop.

    I know about a lot of things. Car maintenance is not one of them. Thanks for any guidance you can offer!

    1. I take my car in for regular oil changes and the maintenance techs will tell me then if any additional services are needed. I think around 100K it’s a good idea to do a timing belt and water pump. At least that’s what I did with my Honda. Luckily I have a dealership I trust so I get all my work done there because they work specifically on Hondas and have all the parts, etc.

    2. my guess is the incremental price increase you’ll get (if any) will be dwarfed by the extra you’ll pay at a dealership. Dealer work is ridiculously expensive. But I’ve never owned an Audi so who knows.

    3. The owner’s manual will have a schedule for recommended “repairs” and replacements. That’s a good place to start.

      1. Yes, this. You can find the repair schedule online for fluids, belts, brakes , spark plugs, etc. Follow it.

    4. Edited to add, I know the dealer can and will tell me we need lots of things. I don’t trust these dealerships enough to not seriously up-charge me and/or tell me to get work done sooner than necessary after a bad past experience with a previously owned car. I just don’t trust dealerships…. That said, I know that some amount of work is required on both cars at this point.

      1. Dad says dealers are generally crooks, but for specialty cars, you have to go to them b/c “the local grease monkey down the block doesn’t have the equipment or the knowledge to handle” new cars. He also said that you should trade in these cars before putting more money into them b/c you will NOT get what you put into them for repairs. Dad is smart, and he never keeps cars more then 5 years, and the same for the cars he leases for Rosa and Ed. He said once a car is over 4 years old, things start to go, and it is NOT worth it to maintain them. We have 2 new SUVs this year and they ride great. One is a Lexis and the other is an Infinity. They are big, so if you can drive big cars, you will love them.

    5. If you take your Audi to an independent mechanic, I highly recommend making sure you have fully vetted them and their experience with Audis. My husband has an A6 that he took to an independent mechanic (who we have historically used on our cars) to replace a headlight. When they put the cover back on, they forgot to put the seal back in place, so water got in the headlight, which then destroyed the electrical components, so his headlights didn’t function. It would have cost us $4-5k to get it repaired. Ultimately, the mechanic agreed to fix it free of charge, but it took WEEKS because their normal Audi person was on medical leave, and they didn’t know how to fix the electrical components.

      1. I have a Mini Cooper. Many mechanics will not touch them at all and rarely do non-Mini mechanics know how to fix these. I am super grateful that my area has an independently-owned shop that focuses solely on these–they have people from several states come by just because it’s so hard to find a great Mini mechanic.

        I found them through searching online and their reviews. Most of them mentioned how they are super reasonable and also well-priced. They seemed like the real deal and when I met them, I realized they were.

        The owner actually recommended an independently-owned shop for German cars for my friend who was getting ripped off at the dealer. All that to say, consider doing some due diligence on the Audi mechanic, it can save you a ton of grief.

    6. Once my car is past the warrantied/must-be-done-by-an-approved-technician stage, I always use my own guy. I’m not going to pay extra to a stranger I don’t trust at a dealership just to theoretically wrangle a a few bucks somewhere in the amorphous future.

      That said, if you don’t have (or know how to find) a local person you can trust, I’d choose a brand-appropriate dealership that guarantees the work over a privately-owned shop I don’t know.

    7. Just pointing out that the repair and maintenance history paper trail is not dependent on the work being done at a dealership.

    8. We have a 2004 Mercedes C230 (just hit 100K miles on it) that’s still going strong and has been serviced by our fantastic local mechanic at a fraction of the cost of a dealership. My car guy fell over backwards when he saw the service records of the previous owner and proceeded to rant about them overcharging the previous owner for everything, changing parts way to early etc.

      For a European brand car, I would make sure you work with a mechanic versed in import cars. And yes, parts can still be expensive (I paid 500 for the blinker/wiper multiswitch replacement on the Mercedes 2 years ago – ouch).

      1. The dealer quoted $309 for rear brake pads on my RDX yesterday. My local guy did front pads for $79+minimal labor last year. The charge up is INSANE… so that’s part of what sparked this thinking. But yes, point taken (yours and others) on getting someone with expertise in import cars.

        1. I will say, in GENERAL, the brake pads are very different on front and rear brakes, and rear brakes are usually more expensive to replace. But I would still have your local guy quote it.

        2. Just a data point. My DH is car handy. Brakes cost like $40 apiece. He did all my brakes and rotors on my MDX in an afternoon and the parts all in were <$250.

          I know you cant just DIY this stuff but that’s the low end and while DH absolutely has better things to do with his time, I threw up on the $1500 quote from the dealer. I bought my 5 y/o some safety glasses and sent her to “help,” and took my other two out for the afternoon.

        3. we just paid $750-800 in NJ for our 2015 RDX two weeks ago for the brake pads (at the dealer) (if that helps as a point of reference)

    9. I have purchased four Acuras from the same dealership and trust their maintenance department. I once priced out the fluids/preventative maintenance at other mechanics and it was a negligible difference. The fluids required are Acura specific and are the bulk of the price. However, if you keep the maintenance to schedule, they are excellent vehicles. (I drove my previous TL for 250,000 miles with only routine maintenance brakes and tires.)

    10. Just a quick note to VW owners–I priced out dealer vs local mechanic maintenance costs several times a couple of years ago and the difference was negligible. I ended up with the local guy for some of it because he was closer to home but went back to the dealer with my new car without hesitation. Having a good service advisor is KEY and it’s hard to know the difference/get assigned to a good one. I suggest dinging them strongly on the survey if you are unhappy with the service provided by your advisor. It seems to get the attention of management and get you assigned to the “good” advisor. If you are merely suspicious, though, I’d just request a different advisor versus impacting their hard survey results.

    11. I don’t have an Audi, I have a Volvo, but similar prices for dealer repair.

      I took it to the dealer for maintenance while it was under warranty but since then I’ve taken it to a local mechanic who specializes in Volvos. I had a terrible (like truly awful) experience with trying to get the dealer to repair something under warranty anyway and would never go back there anyway.

      I’ve been pleased with the local mechanic. They are about half the price of the dealership and are locally well regarded.

      In terms of the schedule, your owners manual will have a recommended schedule for maintenance, which includes oil and filter changes as well as a safety check. All mechanics who know about Audis will know when these things should be checked. They’ll check your brakes and fluids and all that stuff and let you know what % is left on your brake pads, how the discs look etc.

    12. For me, the key to keeping older (not under warranty) cars running and running well is a good mechanic. I’ve never taken my cars to a dealer except under warranty or for recall items done for free. I’ve been careful to select good mechanics and learn to trust them over time. The way I’ve found to get a good one is to look at AAA’s list of approved repair people and the NPR Car Talk Guys and find someone who is on both lists. The cartalk website has a mechanics-files page that shows by state. I’ve used this in multiple cities/states for my kids when they went away to school. Another way would be from word of mouth – ask coworkers, friends, family, neighbors.

      We previously had a Volvo and found a dedicated Volvo/Saab shop that we used for years.

      So I’d start with those lists and look for someone with an Audi specialization. Post your question on the cartalk forum. I’m sure that there is an online group of Audi buffs and you could post a question there about “normal” costs and maintenance and maybe they’d have a tip about a good Audi mechanic near you.

  2. What did everyone think about the debate last night? I think Warren won. But I was unexpectedly enthralled by Marianne Williamson! Loved some of her answers.

    2. Is the full debate available online anywhere? I wasn’t home to see it last night.

    3. Same, I like this dress a lot. I have big b00bs so I usually can’t wear v-neck dresses without looking unintentionally sexy but I like how this one looks on the model.

    4. Not to be the cold water thrower, but Marianne Williamson is an anti-science wacko who told HIV-positive people they could cure themselves through prayer and magical thinking. I’m all about going after Big Pharma but telling people not to take drugs is some snake-handling BS.

    5. Marianne Williamson may sound great but she has ideas that are radically dangerous for our society, including anti-vax or that love will make you thin.
      Frankly, electing someone who talks a good game but doesn’t listen to smart people or science is where we are now.

      2. + 1 million

        we currently have right wing anti-science ppl running things, we don’t need to switch that up for left wing anti-science ppl.

      3. I didn’t know that about her – thanks for the info. I would never vote for her, but did enjoy some of her answers.

      4. Most of Marianne’s policies are anti-science and dangerous, I agree, I was just really surprised that she made some valid points last night. She’s not wrong that the Flint issue is as much about class and wealth as it is about the environment, and she’s not wrong that “after 250 years of slavery we had 100 years of domestic terrorism.” I will be glad that she won’t be in the next debate and we can get down to business with the real candidates.

      6. I have heard her response is that she has rethought her earlier positions on vaccines. I actually just donated to her campaign. Also, there are worse things than saying that love will make you thin. At a very high level it may even be true – if we helped people from a young age get the nutrition and care that they need, they would be healthier.

        1. Oh my goodness I can’t believe you’re giving her money. Just. What. Just lost all respect for you.

          1. Yeah, I’m sorry, but even if she’s your dream candidate (which…why), that’s just throwing your money down the drain.

        2. Alanna, just wanted you to know I also donated to Marianne Williamson (I guess folks will lose respect for me too:). Is she fit for a president? Nope. Will she be the candidate I will vote for? No (that would be Warren). But I think Marianne has some bold contributions and I think her voice is much needed. I’d like to see her remain in the campaign a little longer, hence I donated to her. She is unconventional – but I appreciate her bravery in speaking the truth about racial injustice and other matters. I read the dismissive responses to your comment and just wanted you to know that I agree with you – I find Marianne’s participation in these debates valuable.

    6. I really like Warren; Buttigieg annoys me a lot and he needs to stop trying to make the religious left happen. The religious left, if it ever happens, will be led by Catholic socialists who have more than one tone of voice at their command.

      1. LOL. He was getting on my nerves too.

        Klobuchar should drop out (in addition to the other “moderates” on the stage last night). She is a terrible public speaker, and she’s trying too hard to make herself seem a certain way. Show, don’t tell, Amy!

      2. Sorry you’re anti-Protestant and Midwest, but there is a religious left, it is and has been happening.

        1. +1
          The nominee doesn’t need to be religious to satisfy me but there are a lot of Americans who are religious and I think having a vocal progressive religious movement is not a bad thing and a useful counterpoint to the hypocrisy of the religious right.

          1. I would LOVE to have a vocal progressive religious movement in this country/for religious progressives to have more influence! But I don’t think Buttigieg can lead it. He’s way too corporate — you can’t work at McKinsey and then turn around and claim you’re on the side of the downtrodden, come on — and his record in South Bend is not going to work for him here, especially wrt race and poverty. He seems to think that religious progressives are just going to miraculously fall in line behind him because he quotes the Bible in public, but I just don’t see that happening, especially since he quotes it with the exact same affect he uses for everything else. I am not questioning the authenticity of his faith, but as far as I can tell he totally lacks the ability to *convey* that his religious beliefs are personally important to him, or that his faith makes different or stronger claims on him than his elite education or his passion for smart sewers. It all just sounds like a talking point — ha ha, gotcha, religious right, check that box, now did you know I’m a veteran?

            I’m not saying I want someone to promise literal miracles on the debate stage, but I want someone to care enough about the poor to commit to radical solutions, not throw up his hands and say he’s reached the limits of what he can do to address racism without the federal government. Maybe he’ll move the window for how much progressives feel like they’re “allowed” to talk about their religion in politics, and that would be great. But I don’t expect much more from him.

          2. This. I’m prochoice, proLGBTQ+ etc and I’m religious. I hate that the religious right has co-opted what it means to be ‘Christian’.

          4. Oh and there’s a major tangle coming some day between pro-choice and pro-life progressives (including the secular wing) that will be very interesting, and I have no idea how it will turn out.

          7. Pro-life left, whatever you want to call them, I don’t care. You have your Dems for Life, your Rehumanize International, your Catholic Workers, your New Wave Feminists, etc etc etc. A lot of them are secular, but enough are religious that there’s going to be a reckoning over the future of the religious left as well as the size of various left-of-center tents.

    7. Also! I have finally begun to tell all the white men apart. Here is your cheat sheet:

      * Delaney is the one who looks like a tortoise but with a ten-step Korean skincare routine.
      * Beto is the other one who constantly looks like he didn’t do the reading because he thought he was too smart to need to, and it’s not working out for him as well as he expected.
      * Hickenlooper is the one who looks like a Dr Seuss character.
      * Bernie is Bernie, we know him, he looks like your crazy uncle.
      * Bullock is the one who looks like an investment banker about to have a midlife crisis in a 2000s rom com.
      * Buttigieg, despite having GONE TO HARVARD, DID HE MENTION THAT HE WENT TO HARVARD, looks like 80% of my most useless classmates at Notre Dame.
      * Ryan is the one who looks like Lenny from Shark Tale.

      You’re welcome.

    8. Yes, Marianne Williamson is enthralling. That’s literally her thing. She’s a snake oil salesman

    9. Warren definitely won. I’m no fan of Sanders, but he did well. I thought Pete did better in the first debate, he was off last night. Whoever coached Beto deserves a raise, he did much better. This morning, I remember some great sound bites from a lot of them, but Beto’s policy statements more than anyone else’s.

      1. I agree that Beto did much better. I’m disappointed that I don’t think he’s a true contender at this point, because I agree that he had some solid policy ideas.

      2. This sums up my views. I’m a huge Pete fan and was so disappointed in his performance – he just wasn’t articulating policy clearly. Beto was much better than his first outing.

        Also, for a couple minutes there, I thought I was listening to a Republican primary. Talking about how great private insurance is and that people will be heartbroken when it goes away? PLEASE. I work adjacent to the insurance industry and even they see the writing on the wall.

    10. We need Ryan, Bullock, Hickenloper or Delaney to have an shot at taking down DJT. You know a moderate — who isn’t anti private sector, isn’t giving away free college and healthcare to illegals, isn’t taking away private health insurance because they think having health insurance run by an entity resembling the DMV is better and required etc. Of course we won’t get that because apparently it’s all about socialism now, so I guess I’ll be voting DJT. No way I’d vote for a progressive – they WILL have to raise taxes to pay for all the free stuff everyone is entitled to and eventually those taxes won’t just hit those making millions, they’ll hit those making 250-300k. Not to mention they’ll do nothing for corporate America and it’ll be 4 years of an awful market.

      1. I hear this position on the left (or really from former republicans who don’t like DJT but want democrats to nominate a candidate they love). But interestingly, I’ve never heard someone on the right argue that they need a moderate to win. I hate the fact that liberals keep nominating moderates and conservatives keep nominating the extreme right.

        1. Exactly. Michigan, Pa, Ohio, Wisconsin — the rust belt states that need to be flipped back for a win — are full of people who voted DJT, who aren’t thrilled with him due to tariffs etc, and who aren’t his MAGA loyalists. They WOULD flip their vote but guess what they’d flip for a middle of the road moderate, not a socialist. Not everyone wants illegals getting free college or healthcare; not everyone wants to give up their private health insurance for a govt required plan that no one has seen yet that could be terrible. If you go too far out of the box with crazy “burn it down” ideas, which the socialists have, you lose these regular people because they’ll just vote DJT again. I didn’t vote DJT last time but if it is between him and a socialist, I’ll be voting for 4 more years.

          1. There is literally nothing that could be more terrible than the American healthcare system if you compare it to any western democracy. I’m constantly astounded by the posts here about billing issues and claim maximums. These are not things that exist is advanced societies. American health care stats are abysmal on every front. Must be nice to have enough privilege to be comfortable voting for the Orange one.

      2. Cool with kids in cages, unfettered misogyny and racism as long you get yours amirite?
        PS if you’re making $300k you absolutely should be paying taxes.

        1. I mean yeah I don’t WANT kids in cages, but I also think you have to look out for your own family and other citizens first. And just because one makes 250k+ or even 150k+ does not mean they have ANY interest in paying off your loans. Guess who paid off my loans – me. And yes I’m a millennial so all those arguments of – well college cost 4K back then – are irrelevant.

      3. Oh yes def. taxes should be much higher on people making 200-300k. This is what I am voting for

        1. Where’s your personal cutoff for the income where taxes should be much higher? Should they be much higher on people making 180k? 160k? 140k? Or is 200k the bar in most peoples minds? Do you make distinctions for source of income? Like someone who has a 200k salary vs. someone with a 175k salary with investments paying out another 45k per year? Maybe this should be a separate question as it’s not directly election related, but I’m curious where people come down on this and how they think about this.

          2. This is such an interesting question. I think people forget that the US is huge and $100k in New York or San Francisco is very different than $100k in a rural area. Or that $100k for a recent law school or med school grad with $200k of debt is very different than $100k for someone who has no debt and has been earning that salary for 10 years. Income is such a hard proxy for wealth/whether someone can “afford” to pay more that this gets complicated.

          3. Oh no, I have not forgotten. I live in NYC, I make 100k, I have loans. I can afford to pay more in taxes. We all can.

          4. I didn’t articulate well. Not saying I can’t/shouldn’t pay more in taxes (I have no problem paying more) but I do think someone living in a rural area making $100k should pay more than someone making $100k in New York. They both should pay more than they currently are but one should be paying even more if that makes sense.

          5. Why should someone who chose to live in a cheaper place and make the same money pay more in taxes because you chose to live somewhere expensive? That makes zero sense. If you want a lower COL, move.

          6. It makes perfect sense if your justification for higher taxes is that people are too rich. Rich is relative.

        2. Right? Like, is this supposed to worry me? Because I feel great about taxing your $250k so that everyone else can have as much insulin as they need.

          1. Pretty much. We got a $10K tax cut after the last tax bill and I’d be perfectly happy to leave my taxes there (or even, gasp, go up some) if it meant that bridges weren’t falling down, health care was better accessible, insulin was widely available and the safety net was helping people who need it in a meaningful way. I radically upped my donations to organizations that support these goals, but I don’t like the idea that we have to rely on private actors to accomplish the things government should be doing, but abdicated. And if you make 7 figures? You absolutely should pay more taxes than you do now.

          2. As a country we’re undertaxed. I make a small fraction of many of the salaries mentioned on this blog, and have no issue with my taxes going up to fund single-payer healthcare, a robust social safety net and improved public education. Those are all things that benefit the greater good.

          3. I’m happy to be taxed more to pay for insulin but I’m also not convinced that’s where the money will be spent. If I knew tax dollars were funding healthcare, improving K-12 education, safe/affordable daycare, universal preschool, etc. I’d happily pay more in a second. But with the way the US government spending bills work I’m not overly confident the money wouldn’t go to increased military spending (id be happy to see more spending on veterans though) or pet projects in districts of “key” votes.

        3. +1. I make $430K and I will be very happy to see my taxes go up. Unlike you, I recognize all of the ways I’ve benefited from living in this country and know that what I’ve “earned” isn’t only due to my own hard work. Plenty of people work insanely hard and are living on a minimum wage that isn’t enough to pay rent or support a family. All of the gains in productively in the last few decades have gone to the people at the very top. I agree that there are a bunch of r*cists in the Midwest who think that people are “illegal” (which is NOT a noun!!!) but they are way more open to the rest of the “socialist” policies than you think. DJT won because ordinary people are sick of getting f-ed over by entitled rich people on both sides of the aisle. If progressives can get away from some of the hot button immigration issues they’ll do just fine. We don’t need your vote.

      4. If you guys think people making 200-300k are the subject of AOC and Warren’s ire you’re wrong. They’re talking about people who make over $10M a year or who have inherited wealth (I think over $50M?) Those people absolutely should be paying more taxes.

        1. They might be. I’m talking about taxing everyone making 100k dramatically more.

          1. If the government will provide free daycare and free college, I will very happily pay more in taxes

          2. Yeah – no. It’s your choice to have a kid. If you can’t afford daycare or college — that’s not an issue for anyone but your family.

          3. My HHI is right at $100K. I’d happily pay more in local/property taxes, which would fund schools, roads, sewers and drainage, libraries, etc. Under our current system, paying more in federal taxes without the benefit of (currently) locally funded items would really hurt my family.

          4. Anonymous at 2:03 – if everyone who couldn’t afford to have a kid because of daycare and college costs stopped having kids and all the immigrants conservatives want to ban were banned, they would literally be no one to do so many jobs in this country

        2. This. I don’t know why people don’t understand that. They’re not coming after Big law associates and their $250k.

          1. Yet. The point is they’re not taxing at 250k YET but keep giving away more stuff and the taxes will expand down to those making 300k or 200k.

        3. The wealth tax portion will not affect most people right now but then again when income taxes were first proposed in the US, they were relatively small and affected a small portion of Americans. It’s not insane to think that this type of tax would eventually open the door on taxing “normal” people or result in retirees who have a lot of “wealth” in home value have to sell their house to pay taxes.

          1. Good. No one is entitled to a fancy house they can’t afford. Retirees should downsize.

          2. Reread my comment. That’s fine in theory and I agree I think it’s silly when people have 5 bedroom houses for 2 retirees. But what about the retired couple who has downsized to a 1 bedroom condo and now doesn’t have liquid assets to pay their tax bill because the condo has value.

          3. Re the property tax bill – that literally has nothing to do with this discussion. The federal government has never taxed individual’s property, and I don’t know of any candidates proposing to do so. There is a legitimate discussion about the impact that property tax bills have on retirees, but that is a local tax and is address on that level by many jurisdictions with property tax breaks for people over a certain age.

          4. True the federal government has never taxed property but Warrens proposal is to expand the scope of what the government currently is able to tax (hence all the people pointing out that she should know it’s unconstitutional). It would open the door to taxing a bunch of stuff that isn’t currently.

          5. Warrens website specifically states that residences would be included in her calculation of the wealth for wealth tax. So yes, property would be taxed under her plan.

  4. I’m asking this on behalf of my cousin (she’s not a reader here, but I told her you all might have good advice). She is working at a small nonprofit and is having an issue where her boss keeps implying that she should donate more of her time (i.e., work for free, which he does frequently). Annoyingly, he has also suggested that millennials are “entitled” for wanting to be paid for their work. She is a non-exempt, contract employee and her boss was previously called into HR and told that he was not allowed to suggest or imply that my cousin donate her time. However, he is now saying that he would like her to attend a conference in another state but that she can “only bill for eight hours” no matter how long the travel time takes and he “won’t be checking with HR about this”. He followed that up with very carefully phrased statements like “I know how I’d handle the situation” and “I’ll be working more than eight hours.” How do you suggest handling this? She wants to set boundaries and make it clear that she will not work for free, but how do you phrase that to avoid backlash? Should she be going straight to HR? FWIW, she recently negotiated a raise to $16 an hour and negotiated some benefits, including minimal vacation and sick time, but the job is not exactly flush with benefits (no health insurance, for one) and it seems extra galling that he would suggest she work for free. It’s her first full-time position out of college and full-time jobs in her area have been very hard to find so it would be challenging to just walk away. Any advice on how to address this situation would be much appreciated.

    1. Do you mean she has to pay for the travel herself or that she is not being paid for the travel time to location? You don’t normally get paid extra to attend a conference. Assuming the conference is a standard workday with maybe an evening event, you just attend. Travel to and from location plus overnight accommodation if needed should be at the company’s cost.

      Depending on her ability to find other employment, I’d suggest she not push back on being paid for travel time to the conference. She should also start looking for another job as it’s clear that the corporate culture, at least for the boss’s area, is a good fit. Can she move elsewhere within the org? If they have an HR dept then they are not that small.

      1. They won’t pay for travel time above and beyond eight hours (it will definitely take more than eight to get to and from their destination) and they will also not pay for time spent in the evening working on another project (work needs to get done, but it’s not the one they’re at the conference for). I believe the HR person is some kind of part-time contracted entity so not in-house.

        1. Maybe it’s because I and DH work in govt but I’ve never heard of someone having travel time to and from a conference being considered work time. We don’t get time off in lieu either for non-workday hours travel. Like last week he left at 5am, had meetings 9am-4pm. Left at 5pm, arrived home 11pm – no time off in lieu, just a regular work day. If that happened regularly, it might be different but your situation also seems to be a one off travel situation. Expecting to bill for time including the travel time doesn’t seem in line with what I’ve seen. She’s a salaried contractual employee of the non-profit no? Not a third party contractor with a contract that specifies a travel rate?

          1. I’ve never worked a job where you weren’t paid for traveling. We charge the time we work, and we don’t bill our company – we bill clients. I’ve worked jobs where I charged travel time that that we didn’t bill to a customer, but we’re still paid for it because it’s part of the job.

          2. I’m salaried at a F500 and regularly travel back and forth between the east coast and west coast. I usually travel at night, often red-eyes or “pink-eye” flight (4 pm west coast to 2am east coast for example). We all try to avoid traveling during the day because there’s just too much going on to be basically unreachable all day.

            A friend who is also salaried and works for a non profit was shocked that I don’t take a full “travel day” each way. I was shocked that he suggested it. He thought that I should fly all day Monday, work Tuesday through Thursday on the other coast, then fly all day Friday. I would be embarrassed to even suggest this at my company. But it is apparently the way things are done at his.

            It may be a cultural difference.

          3. That surprises me. My gov’t agency gives you comp time for any travel time that extends beyond your normal work hours.

          4. Yeah, the cultural difference is probably that you make a whole lot more money at a Fortune 500 than at a non-profit. Non-profits tend to value life/work balance — that’s a lot of why people agree to the huge paycuts. I wouldn’t work at 1/3 of my big law salary if I was expected to deal with big law lifestyle stuff.

          5. I’m government too and we get compensatory leave time if we have to travel outside work hours. If I have to be at a conference that starts Tuesday morning, so I travel Monday, but I don’t arrive at that destination until 7pm, I get 2 hours of compensatory leave to use later, because I was doing work travel during my personal time of 5-7 pm.

          6. Non-exempt employees are entitled to pay for some travel time, but not all. There are detailed regulations on this.

          7. I’m a fed and I absolutely get compensated for my travel time — usually with compensatory time off hours, but I’d get “comp time” from 5 am to 9 am in this example for travel, and then again from 4 pm to 11 pm (provided I was actually traveling at that time, they count like 2 hours before at the airport as reasonable)

        2. If she is non-exempt, she should be paid for all of her travel time and all of her work, and if they don’t want to do that, they are violating labor laws, period. This is not a grey area. And if this sounds rigid or out of touch, it’s the law. She should document all of this, and if and when she leaves, she can file a wage and hour complaint with her state labor board. In certain states, like CA, the bar to prevail on such claims is very low, and she will be owed the wages plus pretty steep penalties.

      2. This is true if you are exempt, it is not true if you are a non-exempt worker. Non-exempt workers have to be paid for all hours they work.

        Personally, I would weight the value of the conference and boss’s good-well against the lost pay for not being paid appropriately. Also, how senior is this boss? Is there a grandboss who would be upset to hear that he is pressuring non-exempt workers to work illegally? IME, small non-profits tend to be horrible for underpaying their employees and abusing labor laws. Personally, assuming I really wanted the job and didn’t want to search for something new, I would go to the conference, claim 8 hours for the travel time and days there, and just work the additional time without pay. There is not some magical sentence that is going to make her boss not an a$$. Involving HR is likely to succeed in getting her paid, but ruin her relationship with her boss.

    2. She should look for a new job.

      The boss knows what he’s doing: he’s not forcing her to work for free, but is suggesting she needs to.

      I would handle this by asking the boss, in an email, to clarify and to ask if there would be penalties for billing more than 8 hours. She could also say that while she would like to attend the conference, if they can’t afford to pay her for her time, they can’t afford to send her.

    3. Shut it down. This can happen in non-profits because sometimes people think you are supposed to be so committed to the cause that money doesn’t matter but it’s bs. Going to a conference and not being paid for it is extremely not okay. I would definitely go to HR and probably her manager’s boss as well. It doesn’t have to be angry or confrontational, just – “Boss wants me to attend this conference, which will involve X hours of travel time and time working, but he said I can only bill for 8 hours of time. Unfortunately, it’s not financially feasible for me to attend this conference if I am only paid for 8 hours. How would you like me to handle this?” I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some law being broken as well but I am not familiar with US employment law.

    4. You say she is non-exempt so that means we have to look at what is and is not “work” under the FLSA. If she is actively driving somewhere, that is work that needs to be paid for. If she is a passenger or on a plane that is not work so long as she is free to read/watch tv/ stare out the window as opposed to writing a paper, reading a work journal, etc. So, boss is technically right, depending on her means of travel, that the travel is not work time for a non-exempt employee.

      Also, time spent working a mandatory conference would be compensable but time attending a non-mandatory conference (as opposed to working a booth for the employer) does not have to be paid. If he is “letting” her bill 8 hours, that may actually be generous under the FLSA, as stingy as it sounds.

      1. This is not true. Time on a plane, during normal work hours, is paid.

        Do not confuse this with billable time charged to a client.

        1. So in my cousin’s case, it IS time that has to be paid even if she’s watching TV on the plane?

          2. You say she’s a “non-exempt, contract employee.” I’m not sure what that means if she’s in the United States as I would be surprised for most orgs to have an employment agreement for this type of position. If she’s being paid as an independent contractor, I’d encourage her to also take a look at this publication: https://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs13.pdf to help figure out if she’s properly classified as a contractor.

            If she’s truly a contractor, her contract should say whether she’s paid for travel time. If she is a non-exempt employee, she needs to be paid for her travel time, unless she’s a passenger during non-work hours.

        2. But time on a plane, *outside* of normal work hours, is not required to be paid under federal law (state law may impose additional requirements). The wrinkle is that “normal work hours” only refers to hours (example, 9-5) and not days, so a M-F worker traveling during the day on Sunday needs to be paid but one traveling late Sunday night (assuming passenger and not driver) does not.

          https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/tools-and-samples/hr-qa/pages/cms_014392.aspx

          1. Right. This is what I meant. Since OP said they wouldn’t pay her beyond 8 hours I assumed the travel was outside of normal working hours. I should have been more precise with my answer.

    5. Look for a new job and in the meantime, just say no to working for free. Seems pretty unlikely they will fire her and this is NOT a sustainable long-term solution, so I would have zero concerns about burning bridges. If for whatever reason your cousin is nervous because they don’t have other references to use for job-hunting, consider if they have time for some volunteering or a part-time anything else to develop other references and relationships.
      Bad bosses warp your sense of what is okay at work. Keep reminding your cousin their instincts are good and what their boss is asking them to do is really wrong (and also may violate employment laws).

    6. I think your cousin should stand her ground and escalate the fact that she won’t be paid for her working time (possibly illegal?!), however, it might be hard if her boss is the CEO of the nonprofit. This might be a good question to throw out to the Ask a Manager community – they have more nonprofit workers there and could probably weigh in on your cousin’s situation with experience.

      $16 an hour comes out to about 33k a year, and quite honestly, the majority of the demographic here makes several times that when they’re starting out so it’s a completely different financial story and maybe they could stick it out for the acceptable pay or easily move to a different job.

      1. from OP’s response above, it sounds like ‘HR’ might be a part-time person contracted to provide HR related services vs an HR dept but not sure.

    8. She is an hourly contract employee right? I managed resources for a contracting firm (think hourly staffing of IT resources) and we explicitly defined in their contract whether travel time was to be paid or not. In most cases, it was driven by the requirements of the customer we were billing for the contractor’s time. She needs to check her contract. And this is a very common practice (and some would say abuse) of contract employees. She needs to find a new job, but keep in mind, most salaried employees are not paid overtime for their time traveling, driving, in the air, etc. to get to an office location, but salaried employees do enjoy many more benefits not afforded to contract hourly workers.

      1. I didn’t see anything in the OP’s post to suggest that she is a contract employee, as opposed to a normal hourly employee. Did I miss it? Where did you get that she is working on a contract?

    9. Unfortunately, this is an endemic problem in nonprofits. Many boomer-age (and some younger) nonprofit execs hold, or at least express, a belief that because the work done by the nonprofit benefits people, workers should be honored and privileged to work for free. The pressure seems to land heaviest on younger employees who the execs perceive would be more malleable and concerned about pleasing people.
      Bottom line, if your cousin is a non-exempt employee (it sounds like she is) she must be paid for hours worked within the confines of the FLSA. I agree with the above assessment that she may not actually be entitled to pay for her travel time; what concerns me here is that it sounds like her boss is encouraging her not to follow the organization’s practices (which may relate back to written policies). As a former HR manager for a nonprofit, I very much appreciated it when employees would tell me about these kinds of “strong suggestions” they heard from their managers that put the organization at risk of regulatory-agency complaints or lawsuits. I (and the board) removed an exec from the nonprofit I worked at for habitually encouraging or demanding that employees to violate labor law. It was too big a risk to the continued survival of our organization.
      Your cousin should go back to HR and also should start looking for another job pronto. In the meantime, she should travel to the conference and bill her time as the HR representative says is appropriate, not her manager.

    10. Nonprofit CEO here:
      It is not OK for any manager of a nonprofit to expect staff to work for free. Yes, commitment to the mission is important but expecting free work is over the line ethically and illegal in most cases. I’ve not known any respectable CEO who would expect that.
      Since this is a first job for your cousin and jobs are hard to find in your area, I would recommend caution before going to HR. The nonprofit community is usually pretty well connected and she could be labelled (unfairly, but still…) as trouble if she raises a complaint. If she does not care that much about going to the conference and can decline, then do that and let the matter drop. If she really has to go to the conference, then go to HR to ask ‘for guidance’ on how she should record her time, stating that she is confused about her manager’s direction and wants to follow policy, all of which is true. That way, the issue is dumped on HR’s doorstep and your cousin does not get labelled. I would not go to the higher level manager as doing so will be viewed as a complaint no matter what she says and could backfire in terms of one manager supporting the other. HR is neutral.
      And start looking for another job ASAP.

      1. Agree. Also…presumably there’s a purpose for her going to the conference – development, training, substantive material she should know for her job. Or is she working at the conference? Because that would be different. If they’re paying her travel and accommodations for her to attend I don’t see where this specific instance of her attending a conference is a problem. I’ve never been to a conference that lasted longer than 8 hours each day, unless there was some kind of cocktail hour or dinner even that perhaps she could skip? I totally get wanting to protect your personal time but sounds like this is an opportunity for her rather than some kind of punishment. Again – sounds like there are major issues with the boss but in this instance I don’t understand why going to a conference (assuming she’s not paying for it or expected to work at it) is such a big deal.

    13. She might also consider reaching out to an employment lawyer familiar with her state’s laws. Granted, I practice employment law in California, so most of this would be unlawful here (misclassification, refusal to pay for compensable work time, encouraging an employee to work for free, etc.). And she should definitely be looking for another job…

  5. I love this dress! Does anyone have any experience with the brand? How is the sizing and quality?

  6. In the middle of the rest of Trump’s drama, there’s a quiet effort to sell off public lands (opening vast stretches of multi-use land, including beautiful wild spaces, for private ownership and investment – namely huge industry that will permanently wreck these amazing spaces). This is being done on the sly and without public input. Please call your representatives about this! Google “Trump BLM land” if you want to learn more.

    2. I did a quick google search, but didn’t find any relevant articles. Do you have any good sources you could point me to?

  7. I just want to thank the person who suggested No One Tells You This as a good read for people like me who are 40, single, and childless. It was great for helping me re-frame some of my thoughts and feelings on my life, and I’m suggesting it to similarly situated friends!

    1. Thanks for the rec, I’m going to check it out! 34, single and childless and most likely to remain that way…it’s hard.

    4. I didn’t see the earlier suggestion so thanks for posting this. Can’t wait to check it out!

  8. Inspired by the post earlier this week about home upgrades/updates sellers wished they did sooner, what life updates/routines have you found to have made an impact on your life that you wish you started sooner?

    I’ll start with a simple one. About 2 months ago I started taking 5-10 minutes at night before bed to stretch and it’s such a nice way to unwind, plus I wake up less stiff and in just a few months have already seen an impact on my flexibility

    1. Wish I had started job searching sooner since commute is killing me. I’m glad I started horseback riding again, I’m glad I upgraded my rental apartment with a Roomba and a bidet, and I’m working on stretching as well.

    2. I started using sunblock on my face every day at 28, should have been sooner.

      I started keeping a monthly finance spreadsheet last year, should have started as soon as I was living on my own. (I base the spreadsheet on the 50-30-20 guideline.)

      I started strength training around 4 years ago, should have done it all along.

      Pretty much every relationship I have ever chosen to end, I should have ended sooner!

      1. +1 to sunblock and strength training. I didn’t start with sunblock until my 30s… when my dad told me he had skin cancer. How I wish I’d done it sooner and not just trusted that my face powder was SPF 15 or whatever.

    3. I actually stole this tip from somebody else here, but one day a week every week I make sure to get gas between work and home. I haven’t worried about gas for months now (at least not in my normal daily life).

      I also love remembering to put lotion on my feet as the last thing before getting into bed. Ending the day with a little foot massage is just the nicest.

    4. I started buying only machine-washable clothes. I wish I had done this years ago and saved $$ and time on dry cleaning.
      In the past year or so I’ve made a conscious effort to be less of a stick in the mud and more carefree. Things like staying a little longer at happy hour even though I planned to clean the kitchen, or skipping the gym to enjoy a leisurely weekend breakfast with DH. I’m still very much a work in progress but making an effort to be less rigid has improved my relationships with my friends and husband. I wish I had adopted more of this mindset in my early-mid 20s rather than be as uptight as I was.
      In a similar vein, I wish I had made more of an effort to keep in touch with friends from college and law school. I now make an effort to at least text with my few remaining friends from that era to keep our friendship going. Long-distance friendships take some effort to maintain and I really didn’t make enough of an effort previously.
      The biggest thing I do that makes my life easy is meal prepping on weekends. I’ve always done that and am always stressed on the infrequent weeks that I don’t.

    5. Tip from here: I floss at least 3 days a week now, and use a small calendar with stickers to keep track. It looks a little silly in the master bathroom, but it makes me happy and my teeth seem healthy.
      +1 to strength training
      Charging my phone outside of the room at night.
      Kon Mari-ing my clothes – I got rid of almost 1/3 but don’t feel any difference when I’m getting dressed and I’m more aware and thoughtful with any new clothing purchases.

      I’m going to try the stretching. Love this thread, I was just thinking about it this morning!

      1. I’m curious because I see it recommended frequently and by lots of sources–what is the point of charging your phone outside your room? Does it disturb you at night if you don’t? Not knocking the practice at all, but I also don’t seem to be bothered by “blue light” but I’m wondering if I’m missing other benefits.

        1. My original reasoning was to be productive and get out of bed. My default used to be wake up, turn off my alarm, auto pilot check social media. On the weekends, I’d find myself scrolling in bed for no reason and all of a sudden half an hour has gone by.

          1. Ah, thanks! My persistent doggo takes care of that problem. Once he decides it’s time to wake up, I better get out of bed and take him out pronto. But, good to keep in mind.

    6. – Morning workouts. I know I know I know, but it is literally the only way I’ve been able to stick with a routine for any amount of time. I’ve now been doing it for two years and it has made such a difference — not just for my body, but in helping me control my anxiety. I wish I would’ve started years ago.

      – Running the dishwasher (almost) every night and unloading it in the morning while my coffee is brewing. It’s a pain and I don’t wanna do it, but it has helped so much. When I get home from work and kids come home from school, there’s actually ROOM for us to take care of our dirty lunch containers without piling them in the sink!

      – Doing laundry more often rather than trying to power through it on the weekend. Even if some loads don’t get folded until then, at least it’s clean.

      – Simplifying my skincare and figuring out what works for me. Whereas most people are asking for advice on what to add, my skin has been happier since I started focusing on just the basics. I am not convinced that an anti-aging regimen did anything except irritate my skin and make it more sensitive.

      – Following the one-in, one-out rule with clothing. Just being a lot more selective in general has done wonders for my wardrobe.

    7. If I don’t want to wear a new clothing purchase the first moment I can – the next day! – back it goes to the store. I guess it’s putting the “sparking joy” concept into practice on the front end.

    8. Five year journal. I write 4-5 sentences at the end of every day. I try to focus on my mood or a moment from my day that I want to remember, rather than a recitation of what I did. I’ve been doing it four years now and I love to see what I was doing one, two, and three years ago on the same day.

      1. Love this! Do you actually have a journal designed this way, or you’ve just done it on your own?

        1. It’s designed this way. I found mine on etsy (look for “five year journal” and there are a lot of options. Or I think you could just use a journal that’s set up for one page per day, if you wanted to divide each page yourself.

        2. I have a similar 10 year journal which I started when I turned 40. Got it at journal10.com.

    9. Oh this is a fun question!
      — getting bangs! bangs! i love them!
      — finding a workout routine that i don’t hate. i hate that it works so well for improving my mood and general wellbeing, and i still hate being sweaty, but … it’s really good to have something to do that i don’t wholly hate.
      — getting tattoos.
      — THERAPY

    10. Biggest for me:
      – Focusing on one “to do” per day. I only give myself one must do task after work other than gym and cooking dinner. And it has to be something that can be done in under an hour, otherwise it is weekend work. This has lifted my self-imposed expectations so much and made life more stress free.
      – Getting my skin routine set. I used to rely on whatever looked interesting at the drug store. Now I have one product per category after months of trial and error. I only replace when running out with the same product. I don’t have to think about it anymore.
      – Allowing myself to stop working out in the mornings. I was so focused on being productive and getting it out of the way because I wanted my evenings “free” that I consistently hated working out and wasn’t getting enough sleep. Now I don’t follow a set schedule but only focus on “some decent exercise at least 4 days a week”, much more freeing.
      – Focusing on minimizing my belongings little by little. I took a real look at my stuff and decided I had a lot of “extras” and “unnecessaries” but I don’t have time to fully Kon Mari, so throw out at least five items in a specific category per week until it is purged. This morning I took five minutes to sort through my lipsticks and eye pencils. That is done. Last week I sorted through my pants and got rid of all the “I don’t like this and only wear it because nothing is clean” ones.

      1. Love the one task rule for after-work. I do the top-3 tasks for work but needed more motivation for after-work chores, will definitely try this out.

        Thanks!

    11. Being more mindful of waste. Over the past couple years I’ve lessened my use on single use plastics.

    12. I wish I’d started paying more attention to my health earlier. I thought I was ok because I ate healthy food (but too much) and exercised regularly (but not with enough intensity).

      I started running slowly (couch to 5k) and along with the 7 minute workout once or twice a week a few months ago and it makes such a difference in what I’m able to do and enjoy.

      I also started paying attention to my weight daily—I so wish I’d done this ages ago, when I was at a healthier weight rather than letting it creep up.

    13. Getting up a little earlier in the morning to have some quiet time before my day starts. Having an extra 30 minutes or so at the head of my day helps me feel centered.

      Setting aside a designated time every Saturday morning to plan for the next week. Most of the time this looks like me with a notepad and my calendar at Starbucks while my kid is at karate class. I make my giant to do list for the week and prioritize both personal and work needs. Having an overall look at the week ahead helps me shuffle things around so I’m at my most efficient but also build in time for things like workouts and date nights. Most of the time I also do a sort of roughed out meal plan for the week too so I can get a jump start on my grocery list.

      That brings me to grocery shopping. I put in my online grocery order most Sunday mornings and do the whole “pull in the parking lot, they load my groceries” bit. This is such a time and money saver for me. I’m not picking up random things at the store and I’m not losing an hour wandering the aisles. It also requires me to meal plan for the week so I’m buying more efficiently.

      Something I just started doing is planning my outfits for the week. Such a time saver in the morning and keeps me from losing time staring blankly at my clothes when I need to be hustling out the door.

    14. – Reading before bed every night until i feel sleepy
      – Using an eye mask to block out all light
      – charging my phone on the wall opposite the bed: Forces me to get up in the morning to turn off my alarm and get the day going
      – Read a less-intense/light book with my coffee in the morning
      – I used to set an intention in the first few minutes of my day which made me so much more aware throughout the day, I need to get back to it.
      – Working out in the morning
      – Testing my hunger level with the “would i eat a plate of veggies/an apple” before i pop a snack into my mouth
      – Upgrading to extra-long chargers as old ones get worn out
      – Slowly replacing all single-use plastic products in my life

  9. I’ve been feeling more anxious than normal for the last few months. I think it’s because I feel like I don’t have control over two big parts of my life right now – work and dating. Has anyone ever felt like this? I’m hoping for suggestions of things I could do outside of work and dating that could give me a sense of having control over something.

    1. I hear you. When work stress gets out of control, I need something that’s well within mine. My outlet is exercise. Setting a new running goal, or a modest goal for strength training, helps me feel like I’m making forward progress on SOMETHING even if I’m stuck in other areas. I’ve also used these times to double down on optimizing routines and/or focusing on adapting new time management techniques.

      1. I haven’t thought about it in these exact terms, but yes! This tends to be why I want to Make Something (sewing/crafting) when I’m anxious about things I can’t control.

    2. Yes, I’ve been there, often. Physical workouts help me more than anything else. (I have to do them first thing in the morning to ensure work doesn’t interfere.) Also little things like making the bed each day, clearing the counters, getting a haircut on a regular schedule, etc. Good luck!

    3. I agree with the workouts recommendation, but would specifically suggest yoga. I’ve upped my yoga recently as a way to deal with some chronic health issues over which I have no control (which then result in anxiety!) and in addition to feeling good for my body,I have found it really calming for my mind and anxiety. Maybe give yourself a challenge: I’ll do yoga 30 days in a row!

    4. On dating, I aim to go to at least one event a week where I will be meeting new people and psych myself to talk to 3 men there. That way, even if I don’t it off with anyone, at least I know I tried a bit.

  10. Two semi related questions:

    1) favorite day time moisturizers? Preferably with SPF but not necessary (I use other products with SPF)
    2) anyone have issues with angular cheilitis / stomatitis (cracks in the corner of the mouth)? I’ve never had this before but it’s happened twice in less than a month – it’s unsightly and uncomfortable. I just went to the derm and a dentist for regular checkups and can’t get back to either any time soon (and Dr. Google says it’s not a big deal), but it’s driving me crazy!

    1. Regarding the cracks at the side of the mouth, I get those after every dentist appointment. Not sure whether it is a mild reaction to a tool/glove/product or if it is simply because they stretch my mouth too much, but a heavy duty lip ointment like Carmex clears it up for me in a few days.

    2. Do you already take a B complex or multivitamin?

      You can log your diet for a week on cronometer or Fitbit to see if your intake of B vitamins is adequate. My experience is that it can be hard to get adequate intake without exceeding the calories needed for office work.

      Keep in mind that many commonly prescribed medications are known to increase the need for or decrease the absorption of B vitamins.

      This is kind of gross, but I would also consider whether it’s possible you picked something up from your recent dentist visit (a fungal infection or something along those lines).

      1. +1 for a fungal infection. I had this happen last year. It was kind of gross and awful and I couldn’t get on top of it. I finally used OTC jock itch cream (very small amount) and it helped in about a week.

    4. For the mouth cracks, try switching to a non-SLS containing toothpaste. Some people develop oral sensitivity to sulfates randomly.

      1. Yep, toothpaste. I don’t know about this ingredient, but my mom can’t tolerate certain toothpastes and gets the cracks.

    5. Eucerin Daily Protection Face Lotion SPF 30–I have sensitive dry-ish but acne-prone skin and have used this stuff for years with great success. The only downside is that you have to give it a few minutes to settle before putting on make-up. I put it on when I get out of the shower (after my other morning skincare things) and then get coffee, do my hair, or something else before I do my make-up.

    6. What other products are you using with SPF? If you’re relying on SPF in your make-up, that doesn’t really cut it. I like the Elta-MD tinted moisturizer (it has SPF) for my daytime moisturizer.

    7. Years and years ago I had cracks at the corner of my mouth. It started out of the blue and wouldn’t go away even with lots of lip balm, carmex, etc. My recollection is that I asked my dentist what to do and he suggested neosporin which cleared it right up. Try that.

      1. I am looking to replace my longtime standby (Origins SPF 40 Energy-Boosting Tinted Moisturizer) with something that has similar qualities in terms of sunscreen, moisturizing, blurring/light foundation replacement, and illumination but that does not have the fragrance and accompanying irritation of the Origins product. Combination skin here with more oiliness in the T-zone a couple days a month, but I switch to the tinted Skinceuticals Physical Fusion on those days to minimize breakouts.

        Does the Paula’s fit the bill?

        1. It isn’t tinted, so on that front, no. But I love the illumination factor (my skin looks so dewy using it), there’s no fragrance, and it’s very gentle on the skin. I use Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue on top for any coverage.

          1. Hmm . . . My goal is to avoid actual foundation, so I might try the Paula’s choice for weekend wear (it might replace the Shisedo single-task sunblock I currently use) and then figure out if it gets me enough coverage for weekday use.

            I also have heard good things about the Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer and may have to truck over to a few makeup counters for samples some time.

    9. re: chelitis, it could be your toothpaste. Try switching to a toothpaste that is SLS-Free (some of the more “natural” brands have this, like Toms, Burt’s Bees, Trader Joe’s)

  11. (Reposting, did not get responses in earlier thread):
    I saw a job posted today, it is a contract research position at a university, for those familiar with academia it looks like a postdoctoral position. I’m currently in a similar type of position, contract ends in April next year. I had posted in this forum about being in a situation where I was considering moving from current position because of issues with my supervisor. At the time the advice I got from ladies here, was to stick it out and build other skills e.g. data analysis instead of leaving in a hurry without a plan etc. I have no interest in being a tenure track Professor so I’ve been thinking of other areas I can move into.
    Which brings me to this position I saw today, the only reason I am thinking of applying is that it is the kind of work I have wanted to do for a long time. It is based in the university but involves interaction with government officials for policy related matters. The subject area is also something I am passionate about. At the moment my hesitation in applying is that salary wise it is the same as what I make now.This is my biggest worry and also despite it being a position I think would be interesting, it is still in effect a temporary position and at some point it starts to look negative if one has been in this career stage i.e. postdoc /research associate for a number of years. I will be 40 next year, I look young for my age but I do feel like I want to be more stable career wise and financially going forward. Also I currently live close to a large and very vibrant city, my social life has improved alot from what it was years ago. This is one of the reasons I have been thinking of leaving academia for good, previously I lived in places I did not like. This job is in a smaller town in the UK, I’m close to a much bigger city in Europe.
    My dilemma is should I apply for this position or should I forget it, close this chapter of my life and move on? If I did apply my current boss or colleagues would likely find out hence the careful consideration. I should also mention that the work is in collaboration with a highly regarded non-governmental organisation–one where I have previously tried to get into and didn’t work out. The first time I applied for a job and came in second, the second time I tried applying for an internship at a branch based in my country of citizenship–there were no suitable openings. I work in a very niche area so would prefer not to give the name of the organisation. The job has been advertised for one year, personally I would not mind doing it for that amount of time and moving on if I did get it. But the worries I have are as I have explained above. Advice please!

      1. I’m awful and am not reading the original post because it’s too wall-of-texty and my brain is fried but… moving to a foreign country for a temporary job, if you don’t have obligations at home, is pretty awesome, in my experience.

    2. When you say, “at some point it starts to look negative if one has been in this career stage i.e. postdoc /research associate for a number of years,” do you mean that it looks negative within academia (for example, reduces the chances of being accepted for a tenure track position), or that it looks negative outside academia? If you aren’t going for a TT position and are planning to leave academia anyway, is it possible that one more year in a temporary academic position would not hurt you when you make that leap?

      If your current contract ends in April, shouldn’t you be applying for jobs for next fall? Or is this a postdoc that would begin *this academic year*? If it’s the latter and it’s been posted for a year, I’m not sure I would bother applying at this point, only weeks before the academic year begins (it just seems like such a long shot to me).

      1. OP here: Regarding the advertised position, I saw the job posting today, deadline for applications is towards the end of August. If I decide to apply I can make informal enquiries from the contact person listed on the advertisement in order to find out what their ideal start date is.

        By “at some point it starts to look negative ….” I mean in academia, at least that’s what I’ve been told. Although I have seen people who have been in this temporary positions for long get into tenure track positions.I think strategy also matters when choosing how long to stay in a postdoc position and to start putting out applications for tenure track jobs when one feels they are ready. Anecdotally, I have friends who struggled to get into industry positions after being in postdoc positions for long i.e. 5 years or 6 years i.e. post PhD. I taught as an adjunct after my PhD, realised I was not enjoying teaching, and only got back into research in 2017. Since then I have worked in Canada, and now I’m in Europe. So my view of temporary research positions being a negative thing is based on the sentiments and opinions I’ve heard and my own experience of searching for these jobs, getting the first research position was quite difficult. The draw of this position is mainly the work and the additional international experience I would get–mainly getting to work in developing countries and interacting with policy makers, that’s it. As I said long term I do not want to be on the tenure track so my main concerns are whether being in another temporary position for a year would hurt my career long-term.

    3. I would normal say apply, learn more, and then decide if you want to take it when you get an offer. But I’m concerned about the fact that you say that your current boss will find out. Would you have to leave your current position early to take it? Or would it start after your current position ended? If it starts after your current position ended, what is the downside to applying and learning more? You can also look for other jobs for after your current position during that time, and not take it if you find something you like more.

      1. OP here: I don’t know when the position starts. Regarding leaving my current position early, in one of my past reviews the current lab director told me under the guidelines in academia in the country I’m in I could leave my current position early if I got a contract that is longer than the time left on my current contract e.g. if new job was 9 months, and current contract has 9 months left, no. But if new job is 1 year and time left on current contract is 6 months, yes. In this regard I think she meant positions within the country I’m in–this has to do with work visa probably. Of course if I applied for the position and it starts after my current job ends I would take it, unless I got something better.

        1. I understand you’re in academia but I think the response rate may be due to the extremely long post (not trying to be mean but since this is the second time of low responses you may want to consider posing the question differently ).

        2. What you can legally do, and what you can do without burning a bridge with your current position are two different things. I wouldn’t assume you can leave early without burning a bridge

        3. As a first step, I would email the contact at the job you are thinking of applying for to ask when the start date would be. That seems to be a big piece of info that will help clarify things for you.

    4. I don’t know your field, and am not familiar with the UK/Europe rules, so take this with a grain of salt (work in quantitative social science at US university). It isn’t clear from your post what you do want from your career, but someone with a PhD pursuing a non tenure track career who doesn’t teach but works at a university is usually a research scientist or analyst who works for faculty member(s) through an institute or directly. These jobs basically look a lot like postdocs but are permanent and the research isn’t independent anymore – working on someone else’s projects. Time is staffed on their projects/grants and every project is in some sense temporary. What matters for getting these jobs is 1) skill set 2) references that can attest to it. So if that sounds like what your path may be, consider how the decision you make might affect those two factors. In particular, it might be hard to get a new position if you can’t get a good reference from your current supervisor (which might be an issue if you leave your contract early). Otherwise, like another poster, it seems like you should at least apply, especially if, as you say, the only thing holding you back is that the salary is the same, as that doesn’t seem like a good reason to not apply to a job that sounds significantly more appealing to you.

  12. I have gained about 10 lbs in about 6 months — around the same time that I started a pretty intense exercise schedule. (5 weeks of 60 minute exercise sessions) My fitness level has improved. I can run, lift heavy weights, etc. However, I’ve gained weight, and it’s fat not muscle. For the past 2 weeks, I’ve stopped exercising and the weight is coming off. I don’t know what to do. I love exercising, and I can see real gains in my fitness level. But I don’t want the extra weight. First, I’m vain. Second, I’m too cheap to redo my wardrobe. Has anybody experienced this? I can’t figure it out. I feel like I’m eating the same.

    1. Track your food in a written journal. Modify the exercise program you are doing. Not all exercise is the same. Try meeting with a personal trainer to explain your goals so they can suggest a program for you.

      Have you lost inches? The scale hasn’t budged much for me but clothes definitely fit better as I am much more toned.

    2. You’re not eating the same. You can’t outrun your diet. Start tracking and weighing if this is important to you.

    3. You aren’t eating the same. This isn’t magic. You’re hungrier and you’re eating more, probably without even realizing it.

      1. I recently changed workouts from something pretty intense (orange theory) to something less intense (pilates). Even though I’m burning way fewer calories in my workouts, I’m losing weight and I can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with how hungry orange theory made me.

          1. I would guess this is the right line of thinking. I took a swimming class in college (flat-rate tuition meant I could take random PE classes for “free”) and was convinced I’d lose weight. I gained weight. I was so hungry the rest of the day that I couldn’t moderate my eating, even after having a high-calorie snack right after class.

    4. Are you sure you are eating the same? Keeping track of serving sizes, etc.?

      And are you sure it is indeed fat and not fat that is always there but just more prominent because the muscle underneath is bigger? This happens to me, but if I keep working out it seems to reach a peak and then I start to see the fat decreasing.

    5. I promise I’m not being snarky — you’re probably not eating the same! But you’re also probably gaining muscle as well as fat. You could decide you’re just going to “bulk” (work out hard, eat a caloric excess, gain muscle and fat) and then “cut” (keep working out but don’t expect to make as much progress if any, depending on how hard you’re cutting, eat a caloric deficit, lose fat and maybe a bit of muscle) — lots of people just cycle like this. For vanity you can bulk in the winter and cut in the summer.

      Or you could “recomp,” where you eat about as much as you burn, with lots of protein, while working out to build muscle and cut fat at the same time. But that requires tracking calories and macros a lot more carefully, which may or may not work for you.

      My personal advice would be to keep bulking and cut if you still feel like it in a few/several months, or if it really bothers you then work out while eating less and then go hard in the winter. You can always keep a bulking season wardrobe and a cutting season wardrobe. (This is assuming “too cheap” is more “don’t feel like it” than “can’t afford it”; that would change the calculus obviously.) I personally found that getting a lot stronger made me care less about how I looked (and also changed what sort of look I wanted). YMMV of course but please don’t quit exercising to be skinnier.

      1. +1…what’s important is how fit you are…not skinny. Good example is the US women’s soccer team….they aren’t skinny but they sure are fit

        1. It’s all in the definition of skinny. I don’t see skinny as a bad label (necessarily; I agree it can be used that way) and would DEFINITELY call the US women’s soccer team skinny–but also, concurrently, very fit and likely very very healthy (their bodies certainly perform as if they are healthy but none of us (I don’t think!) are in their daily lives to know about their daily aches, pains, symptoms, or other health issues that may not show on TV).

        2. I also want to reclaim the word “vain”! You can be vain and accept a higher weight.

          I saw something on Grombre about this…a woman who had grown out her gray hair heard from her friends “I wish I could do that, but I’m too vain.” She was offended, and I can understand why. It makes it sound like having gray hair means not caring about your appearance. The gray-haired woman was like “excuse me, I am totally vain too!”

          As someone who was dyeing my hair until recently, I took that to heart. Instead of vanity, what I was doing was buying into a normative standard of beauty–but it feels less cheeky to say that.

          1. Oh I’m totally hoping to have cool streaky gray hair like my mother and if I do I will be hella vain about it.

        3. Not everyone wants to look like a burly athlete, not that there is anything wrong with it.

    6. I had the same thing happen when I first started lifting. I agree with others that you should track your food intake, also your rest days should be a lot of hydration but less food, which is hard because my appetite is up. Another good point is that you’re probably building muscle, but if it’s underneath fat, you will feel larger – this happens to me a lot and it’s a total mind game with feeling like you look worse than prior to working out.
      Finally, many heavy lifting programs include a deload, where you give your muscles a break for a week. For me, fluff comes off, because my body is given a chance to recover. If you haven’t deloaded all 6 months, I would try. You can lift a little, but focus on active recovery. Good luck!

    7. Are you me? I have the exact same issue, and I am tracking what I’m eating so I know I am not eating more. It is soooooo frustrating. I just want the number on the scale to drop instead of go up!

    8. Give your body six weeks to equalize intake and output. I had the same issue when I started my regimen. I’m on week 12 and am have been finally seeing the hard work paying off in vanity in addition to health over the last few. It’s sooo worth it!

    9. Agree with the other posters that high intensity workouts (spin in my case) make me ravenous. I still do them, but only 2-3 times a week vs the 5-6 that I used to do. I’ve added 1-2 yoga classes and a total body conditioning class or two (hand weights, body bars, floor exercises). Are you getting enough sleep? My appetite ramps up if I don’t get a good night’s sleep. It’s like my body needs to source more energy from food since it’s not well rested.

  13. What kind of handbags are on-trend now for weekends? I’ve got some crossbody bags that I like but lately I feel they don’t look current anymore. I loved the crossbody trend for its hands-free ease, but I’m considering getting a shoulder bag to update… I’m thinking something a little bigger than the Fendi baguette size but the same basic under-arm idea with a short strap (so it’s still hands-free)? Anyone want to weigh in or point me to where to look for inspiration? Budget $300 max. For work I carry a Tory Burch Robinson which I love to death so all set there; looking for an everyday casual purse.

    1. I have the Cuyana small hobo bag in black. It’s really simple and I get a lot of use out of it. It’s definitely within your price range.

      2. I have this same bag and love it. The leather is beautiful but I don’t have to baby it. Cuyana also sell straps to make it a crossbody, which I used for a recent trip. It’s sold out on their website, but if you search for “cuyana small hobo” they do have a blush version available.

    2. Also, I should note that I am aware of (and even interested in) the belt bag/fanny pack trend BUT I’m currently pregnant and the thought of something flopping around my FUPA is a non-starter.

      1. Everyone in my neighborhood is wearing fanny bags these days, but wearing them crossbody, either in front or in back.

    3. I’ve seen a lot of small (like crossbody size) leather backpacks lately. Not for evening, but for casual weekend days. I see them a lot on women in cotton floral dresses with white low profile sneakers. Sometimes with a light denim jacket.

      1. Does anyone know of a small backpack that is made of leather but does not cost $400? My teenager wants one as a gift and I’m having trouble finding one in a teen-appropriate price range. For reference, she likes the smaller Cuyana backpack.

        1. There must be thousands of them left over from the late nineties, look on Poshmark or Ebay, you’ll probably find some still with tags. They look the same now as they did then. I still have mine from that time because they were awesome and comfy.

        3. Checkout Madewell for small leather backpack. I have one and I love it. I think it was 180.

  14. I’ve never heard of this brand before but their pieces look amazing. Great pick!

  15. I’m looking for advice on how to confront an associate about his micromanaging when I’ve already confronted him on it before and his behavior lets up for a while and then reverts back. For example, he gave me a project with no specific due date yesterday (a research question about hearsay when our trial hasn’t even been scheduled yet). I told him I was working on a memo for a partner that is due this week. Then today he asked me if I finished the memo because he wants to talk more about the hearsay research. I said I still need today for the memo. He told me to come by at 11 to see where I’m at. I told him I definitely won’t be done with the memo by then and I don’t know how long the memo will take, but I’d guess most of today. Then he said, well just come by at 11 to update your estimate. I find this super disruptive and controlling (even though I acknowledge how long I spend on a project isn’t exactly private). What do you say to this guy??

    I’ve confronted him at least twice already about his frequent check-ins and stopping by (especially when my door is closed) to say something that could have been a one-line email. I’ve asked before if he trusts my work and my ability to manage my own schedule. I’ve tried on my end to be more communicative about my other projects, asking him for when specific things are due so that I can just meet that deadline and not need to keep checking in, and showing him over time that I can do things on time and high quality. I’ve even tried asking him to coffee more often so that we can be on friendlier terms. I can’t get off his projects even though I diversified my work and we’re in a small group and I’m kind of a people pleaser so I don’t want to say anything rude, but I need him to get off my back in a way that isn’t temporary. Help please!

    1. Give him a date when you’ll work on it — you’ll work on his question on Friday or whenever.

    2. If you don’t want to be rude, you might need to reframe this in your mind away from “confronting” him. Confronting is something people on Real Housewives do before they flip a table over at a baby shower. If you really want to confront him you could try this: “Hey, why are you always trying to micromanage me? I told you I don’t have time for this right now. What’s your problem?”.

      Probably what you really want to do is to politely deflect the request until you have time, which would be a different script: “Bob – I know you want to talk about the hearsay question, and it’s high on my radar, but I really need to get Memo X done – can we get together on Friday?”

      1. This script. Except I’d change the end to “I really need to get Memo X done – I have time for this on Friday. I’ll send you a calendar invite.” Be more assertive about when works for you.

        Did you see the thing yesterday about a therapist who recommended calling moms on one day a week so they’d know to expect it and stop worrying? This is sort of like that. Put it on both of your calendars so he knows you know about it and will handle it at a future date.

    3. Are you an associate attorney that is less senior? If he is insisting on these things, I always throw it up higher. Email partner and cc associate saying “Hi Partner, I am working diligently on X memo, but associate has requested support on Y matter. Is it feasible to push memo off by Y hours/days to assist associate, or should I focus on the memo? I don’t have the capacity to finish the memo by ORIGINAL DEADLINE DATE if I take on associate matter at this time.”

      This will get associate off his back because partner will be watching to note if associate is trying to undermine his work. Always let the partners fight it out for your time if you truly are fully at capacity. Associate will back down from the partner.

    4. I have a similar issue with a “senior” associate at my firm that I posted here about. My issue was that he kept dumping tedious projects like depo summaries on me without asking me if I had time to do them, when I was already over capacity with my other work. (None of the partners were giving me work at this time and had actually told me they were concerned about the number of hours I was working.) This also was not the work that I am normally given anyway— I recently lateraled and am also a “senior” associate. General consensus at the hive was that I should try to figure out some way to do the work– this guy will be partner before I am, and I shouldn’t sabotage my relationship with him/ability to get work from him, etc.

      Things I have done that seem to have helped:
      1. Ask him for what the real deadline is for something and be firm about meeting that deadline. He gave me some depo summaries in April that didn’t have to be done until “some time” in August without asking if I had capacity to do them. (I didn’t.) He keeps checking in– I’ve made it clear that they will be done in August. Because they’re not done yet, I haven’t gotten any more random project dumps from him, but they will be done by when I’ve agreed to do them, etc.
      2. Having a partner put him in his place. I was having a substantive conversation with a partner about a deposition I’d covered for her, when he tried to come in and start his own conversation. Partner told him to go back to his office until she was done talking to me. Basically having a partner say that he is not more important than me has been helpful.

      1. Ehh, I bet the message he got from number 2 was that partner is more important than he is, not that he’s not more important than you.

  17. This is a bit weird for me, so please bear with me (and excuse any typos – I’m doing this with thumbs. I’ve just inherited a Rolex unexpectedly. I am a pretty frugal person generally, and while I probably could have scrimped and pinched and stretched to buy a piece like this at some point, I probably wouldn’t have. But now that I have it, I want to wear it.
    How should I think about insuring it? Because of the previously-mentioned low-budget lifestyle, I’ve never paid much attention to stuff like this. Will my homeowners policy cover it? Or do I need to specify particular items over a certain threshold? Any advice is much appreciated.

    1. You can get a rider on your homeowner’s policy and they are typically pretty affordable. Most policies cover low-value jewelry, but you will want to get a rider to cover this specific piece (and will likely need to have it appraised unless you have documentation of its value). I have riders on my engagement and wedding rings, as well as a set of pearls (valued at around $350).

    2. Call your agent to see what the best option is. Do you have an assessment of its worth? If not it may be worth getting it appraised – both so you will know replacement value, but also because your insurance may want to see proof.

      Depending on your policy you may want to add a specific jewelry/watches rider. We have that for my few valuable pieces. The deductible is lower than the rest of the policy, and we had to provide copies of appraisals with photos.

    3. I have jewelry insurance through Jewelers Mutual. You should get it appraised first though.

    4. Check with your homeowners insurance – it believe it will cover it. You could have it appraised so you have a benchmark for the value of it. Honestly, used Rolex watches are nice but not as valuable as you might think, unless it is solid gold, in which case it will be valuable for the weight of the gold, not for the fact that it’s a Rolex.

    5. It’s highly unlikely your homeowners policy will cover this. Usually they just cover lower price jewelry (like individual items under around 200 with a aggregate cap to). If you want to insure it you can get a personal articles policy. However my personal view is these policies aren’t really worth it. I insured my engagement ring for a few years but no longer do. The policy isn’t the cheapest thing in the world so over my lifetime I could self insure for a lot less. And in any event if the ring was lost or stolen I’d be devastated and I’m not sure the insurance money to replace it would really make me feel that much better

    6. You need a separate policy for items like this. I forget what it’s called. Call your insurance co.

    7. Depends on the terms of your policy and the value of the watch – I’d just call up my insurance agent and ask. Also, insurance may only cover some damage/loss (for instance, theft from your home might be covered but losing it on a subway might not) so I would ask about that as well.

    8. Yes to riders and what others have said. As to appraisal, I also inherited a Rolex. I took it to be serviced and cleaned (at a local Rolex location) as it was quite old, and when I picked it up, they also gave me a letter of appraisal value for insurance. Two birds, one stone.

    9. In the last year I inherited a couple of diamond jewelry pieces from my grandmothers and had the same concern. I called my insurance company and got a jewelry rider added to our insurance; it increased our yearly premium by about $20.

    10. It totally depends. Every homeowner’s policy is different. Mine has a cap on all property combined, including jewelry that is fairly high. Unless a piece of jewelry would put my total property value over that number, I don’t need a rider. It is smart to have appraisals though to prove the worth if it does get stolen/destroyed. I haven’t done that with several items and need to.

  18. but here are a few that have been beneficial:
    1) Foam rolling every day (uuuugh it hurts so good)
    2) Recently started 5 minute journal and I enjoy that time in the am and pm
    3) basket at bottom/top of stairs that I throw things in to go to the other floor and the rule is if something is in it, up/down it goes
    4) Leave reusable grocery bags hanging on the door handle so that I take them out to car next time I leave
    5) Also recently started a google sheet where I track weather, mood, sleep/awake time, whether I worked out, what I did, how I felt after, and meals – shared this with my personal trainer so that she can keep me accountable/give me head pets when I’m doing well
    6) I leave smith’s rose lip balm tins everywhere in my apartment and at work – that way I’m never without
    7) a couple times a week, lay on an accupressure mat in bed, with a face mask on, and read

  19. Was forced to make awkward small
    talk to some other lawyers today and mentioned it got to the courthouse too late to take advantage of free parking. Someone then suggested I use my secret disability tag and use the handicapped spot like I “always do”.

    I was surprised and just said I didn’t have a disability parking pass and didn’t use those spots. Other person doubled down and said they saw my car there all the time.

    Someone made a joke to lighten the situation but man that was awkward.

    And no, I have an extremely distinctive car (unusual colour and not easy to buy where we live) so there was no chance she was mistaken about my car and I have never used a disability sticker or abused special needs parking. And I am the only one who drives my car.

    1. It is possible that she sees a similar car there and can’t tell the difference.

      Next time, if she persists, go with something like, “Beverly, I do not have a disability pass and you need to stop pushing this issue. You are mistaken and your mistake is not my problem.”

      1. I have no idea. It felt like she aggressively wanted to call me out on something that I hadn’t done and would ever do. I mean, I know where my car is parked and it’s not in a special spot. I don’t have disability tags real or fake. Accusing me of having them is really offensive.

        I mean she could have spoken to me in private about it. It was super confrontational and she walked away acting like I was lying.

        Lol after reading the post after mine I would definitely say “f off Karen” next time XD

        1. Wait — are you the OP from the below thread but have been disagreeing with yourself in the comments? This series of posts is extremely bizarre.

          1. Hi Cat, I am the OP who was accused of using a fake disability pass?

            I didn’t bring up that it was a 40ish year old white woman who accused me before because I didn’t think it was relevant but yeah that’s who it was.

            It was unpleasant for a bunch of personal reasons involving people I know who have special needs because I know they need those spots and I wouldn’t wrongly use one under any circumstances .

            It’s also just kind sucky to be accused of doing something so unethical in front of other lawyers. I wish I had said more at the time but I just denied it. I dunno my brain wasn’t quite awake yet and I was just kinda stunned this happened as it unfolded.

            Eh, I’ll let it go now, I hope that lady has a nice day and just calls the police next time when she thinks someone is abusing a parking space. Y’all have a nice day.

          2. Agreed. Not sure why they are focused on the “Karen” thing. I sometimes think people google “active women’s comments or forums” and make a game out of trying to troll here. Like guys, this isn’t reddit where people like to debate for entertainment value even when we all know the topic or answer posted is fake. The posters here are educated and have strong BS meters and simply don’t want to deal with trolls and the responses pitter out once identified, that’s not what this community is for or about. .

    2. You have a doppelganger who is parking in the handicap space. People used to comment to me about having seen me at X bar or Y event, even thought I had not been there (luckily no-one thought they saw me doing anything “bad”). It turned out that there is another woman who looks like me, and people were doing the same thing to her. Eventually we met by chance in the same civic group, and had a good laugh over it.

      1. Me again.

        So after you posted this I looked into it and yup, the lady whom we will call “Janet” had completely mistaken me for a young woman who sometimes uses a wheelchair. We don’t look anything alike, aren’t even that similar in age, but are both ethnic enough to stand out I guess?

        Anyway hopefully Janet won’t go yell at her for using the disability spot. It’s no one’s business why she parks there and Janet should seriously get a life.

        The whole thing is mortifying for so many reasons.

        1. Even though its not you…I can’t believe an attorney would question anyone using a handicap pass. There are many invisible disabilities. It is no one’s business why someone has such a pass.

          1. I was really stunned someone would accuse me of fraud (having a fake disability pass) at the courthouse parking lot. Like it still feels weird.

            I mean there are all kinds of anonymous passive aggressive ways to handle this (like reporting the plate to one of the million cops at the courthouse). GAH.

  21. I will start off by saying I currently feel bad for women named Karen.

    My name isn’t Karen but I’m a middle aged white woman, so part of the demographic meme-makers love to hate.

    I dipped out of the office yesterday to get a fancy coffee before my meeting – something I don’t usually do, but I wanted a “treat.” I was standing in line at a national coffee chain behind a woman who was being served at the register and one man in front of me, thinking of something icy cold and mocha-flavored.

    The 20something guy working the register couldn’t figure out something on the register, I don’t know what. We waited there for a good minute or so and then he moved everyone over to the other register (no acknowledgment of the line, he just moved to another register and we followed) and also couldn’t figure it out on the new register. Then he walked to the back, asked someone else to come out, and came back and started fiddling with the register. The woman who came out to the other register did not call the line to her register and did not make eye contact, but a new customer who entered the store went to the front of her line. She started fiddling with that register.

    So I stood there a minute or so longer without either line moving, and some combination of – this is going to make me late for my meeting, that guy in the other line is going to cut in front of me, I don’t really need the calories anyway – made me turn around and leave the store. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t make faces, I just left.

    As I was leaving I heard, “bye Karen” from the guy behind the counter.

    I don’t know why I let that bug me the way it did/does but I don’t think I did anything wrong.

    What would you have done?

    And sorry to all the actual Karens. It must be tough to have that name right now.

    1. I would complain to the manager. That’s rude and unprofessional. I’m tired of these “edgy” but incompetent men always trying to one-up women.

      1. Agreed with every last word. OP was quiet, polite, and removed herself from the situation, only to be chased by a verbal insult. Screw that jerk.

    2. Shrugged this off way, way before now. Not to victim-blame, but this guy was a jerk. They exist. Ignore him and move on with your life.

    4. Not a white woman.

      Basically, it would be nice if y’all stopped complaining. I got up this morning and got dressed to walk to a bakery at 6 AM because if someone saw a dark skinned woman in my neighbourhood at 6 AM they would call the cops.

      So yeah, this sucked but you can get cabs and no one thinks you’re a nanny so you’re still coming up ahead…

      1. You know, it’s okay for people to post about being hurt after being insulted in public without being told they should just stop complaining because others have it worse. Misogyny towards older women is an incredibly serious issue, even if this particular example is more “mild” compared to some.

        1. Wah it’s so hard to be white and privileged XD

          How dare that barista do anything that might offend you. You should go get him fired, that will solve everything. *eyeroll*

          Seriously are these really your problems?

          1. Oh knock it off. You’re butthurt that you can’t go get a croissant at the bakery at 6 am but at least you can walk alone with out being accompanied by a man and you actually get to spend your own money, ugh, you could have it so much worse, be thankful you don’t live in Saudi Arabia. Gosh it must be so hard to be a rich POC in america wahhhhhh. Boohoo someone thinks your a nanny, these are your problems? Cry into your latte about it.

      2. l’m not white either, and you’re being rude and obtuse.

        People are allowed to complain about things that bother them. Stop being rude and using your race/ethnicity as an excuse. Somebody hurt her feelings, and she’s talking about it. A lot of middle age women experience invisibility. It’s a real problem, and it deserves a conversation. It’s embarrassing that somebody needs to explain this to you.

        Grow up.

      4. Hey, I’m really sorry that is a problem for you and your neighbors sound horrible.

        That said, it’s not a contest.

        1. It was definitely a woe is me, it’s so hard to be a middle aged and white woman post.

          So I dunno what your point is?

          Basically white women are the most privileged class of people who aren’t white men. Someone earning minimum
          wage had a hard morning and said something passive aggressive, you could let it go without needing to vent about discrimination against Karen (which is not a real thing).

          1. LOLZ at white women being the most privileged class of people besides white men. That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve read all day. I guess I forgot that domestic violence, sexual assault, anti-abortion laws, the pay gap, the domestic duties gap, and all those other problems magically don’t affect women with less melanin in their skin. My bad.

          2. No it’s not. It’s a “hey this trope is sexist and insulting and it feels crappy to have experienced it in real life.” Now do you understand what the point is? Or are you still confused? Your inability to see any nuance or subtly is staggering.

      5. What? The OP is allowed to feel insulted because she…was insulted.

        OP, I would have done the same thing. Your alternatives are / were 1) turning around and confronting the d-bag, or 2) escalating to the store manager. If you decide you’d prefer not to make a case out of it and just be quietly annoyed and vent for a minute before moving on with your life, you’re well within your rights.

        1. *sigh* if you aren’t white and are with kids, even kids who aren’t white, people assume you are the nanny. Had a friend approached by security at a mall once who wanted to know whose baby she was breastfeeding.

          You are obviously a white woman and haven’t had that experience.

          1. HAHAHAHA – I’m Indian. My husband is white, and my kids look white.

            Nice try.

      8. +1 isn’t part of this meme the entitlement of middle aged white women dealing with people who work service industry jobs? I would have done exactly what the op did. I do stuff like that all the time. I bet I give off frustrated vibes when I don’t audibly sigh (which I’m sure I also do). And yet, I get that leaving a coffee shop in frustration because there is a slight delay in my fancy coffee service due to a register glitch come off a obnoxious and entitled even if my internal monologue just says “yikes! better run!”

        C’mon op. It was a Karen move. Laugh a bit. Shaking your metaphorical fist at the “disrespect,” of the young people who serve you and lamenting the plight of actual Karens is just…wheels within wheels of entitlement.

        1. Honest question: why is it obnoxious and entitled to leave a shop when you realize that you don’t have enough time to make a purchase after all?
          Would it be obnoxious and entitled for a man to leave under the same circumstances?
          If you change your mind, or miscalculate your schedule, and leave without a word or expression, you’re disserving of gender-based mockery?

          1. Seriously. And OP could’ve left for a variety of reasons the guy behind the counter couldn’t possibly have known. Maybe she simply changed her mind and wanted something that was served elsewhere, maybe she got a text about something urgent and needed to leave ASAP, maybe she knew the meter was going to run out soon and didn’t want to get a ticket.

            But this reminds me of an elderly woman who frowned in my general direction because I gave up on waiting for the green line and decided to walk. She didn’t know where I was going or when I needed to get there, all she knew was that I clearly didn’t want to wait anymore, and that displeased her.

          2. Worry about yourself—This is so weird. Do you know why this lady frowned at you? Seems like you’re the one making unkind assumptions about strangers. And walking around days? Weeks? Later thinking about the time a stranger frowned at you? That’s as bad as men expecting us to smile.

            And omg to the poster below being annoyed at heavy pedestrian traffic?! Being so annoyed she needs to wait a few moments so as to not hit someone with her car that she’s audibly sighing? That’s just …disregard for human safety that warrants rude behavior. I’m a pretty polite person but if you blow past me in a cross walk you’ll get the finger. Youre literal seconds of time are not worth my safety. And you broke the damn law. This is madness.

            If you stare down a coffee shop worker having trouble with a computer and then leave after he calls for back up and keeps trying in the span of a literal minute , it comes off like you’re leaving in a huff over a silly amount of waiting. Like I said, I do it too but I get how it looks. The lack of self awareness here is just staggering.

            Also, I love how this board calls the dude incompetent. The other worker’s computer wasn’t working either so perhaps maybe, just maybe, the situation was not in his control.

        2. How is it obnoxious or entitled to leave a coffee shop etc because the wait time is longer than you expected? I do this fairly frequently in NYC and never thought I’d be offending the staff.

        3. You’ve got it twisted. It is not entitled to leave a coffee shop because it is taking too long. It is insulting and slightly sexist for barista man to perceive her as entitled and *insult her for it* with no basis. He is assuming she’s acting entitled when she’s not. That’s the problem. Think about it. Does it really come off obnoxious and entitled if you leave a line (assuming OP isn’t eye rolling or huffing and puffing)? Really? Or is that someone’s perception? So the only alternative to pulling a “Karen move” was for her to hang out in the line and run late? She should do that just so she avoids being “obnoxious”? Really think about what you’re saying here.

          Even if she was giving off frustrated vibes, it is *okay* for women to appear dissatisfied with dissatisfying situations in public. Are there entitled women? Of course. But a woman is not automatically behaving in an entitled manner simply because she looks out for her own interests and doesn’t go out of her way to placate everyone’s emotions and prioritize preserving everyone else’s fee fees. The Karen nonsense here was just a way to put her in her place, which is why it’s problematic.

          Here’s a similar example from my life. There’s an intersection in a residential/retail area by my condo that has heavy pedestrian traffic. 4 way stop. My turn to go. I proceed into the intersection and then a couple of bros step from the sidewalk into the cross walk in front of me. I stop with ample room– certainly not a slam on the breaks scenario–and I believe that I sighed. Having to deal with the insane pedestrian traffic at that spot for years on end is tiresome to residents. Bro #1 looks at me and says “f* you, b*tch.” Like seriously? Why? I wasn’t about to hit him. I didn’t argue with him. Pedestrians have the right of way of course and I wasn’t planning on mowing him down even though he simply could have waited until I passed. But whatever. I did not do anything wrong to this person except *maybe* register the slightest amount of annoyance at his action. And I got an aggressive and sexist response clearly intended to do nothing but upset me.

          1. I agree his response is out of line, but you are acting like they were suppose to wait for you to go. The pedestrian always has the right of way. The fact that you tried to cut them off is a reason I would be mad as the pedestrian – it’s not like they appeared out of thin air.

          2. You misunderstood/cannot read. I did not try to cut them off. I stopped as soon as I saw them step into the intersection. They were not even at the cross walk when I started through the intersection. I know they had the right of way, as I said in my post. It was never even a question as to whether I would stop. They were not supposed to wait for me to go, I just said that they could have. But thanks for the driver’s ed.

          3. Thanks for the unwarranted insult, but it literally was not your turn to go if their were pedestrians. But going in to the intersection, you did try to cut them off – they had the right of way and you should not have tried to go in to the intersection when they were at the corner clearly trying to cross. Just because they had not physically set foot in the street yet doesn’t change that when they were clearly trying to cross. But go ahead, keep giving your example that just proves you are a Karen

    5. You didn’t do anything wrong (like, at all) and the guy was a jerk. It reminds me of an episode of the Classic Car Talk podcast I was listening to recently. The hosts were joking around, but there was a real grain of truth in what they said: when men know they’re wrong, they go on offense. This guy wasn’t precisely wrong for being unable to figure out the register, but he was probably embarrassed. So he picked on you.

      To your original point, I also hate the current Karen catch phrase. Every Karen I’ve ever known in real life has been an exquisitely good person. The hyper-popular girl in high school who was genuinely kind to everyone and told people off for bullying. The college classmate who once talked to me for an hour when I was sad even though she didn’t know me at all. The smart attorney who pulled so much more than her weight right up until she retired. Karens, all.

      1. That dude was being a jerk and apparently doesn’t even know what Karen means, which is even dumber that he tried to insult you that way. I’d take it as water off the back, a dumb barista that couldn’t figure out a machine he was trained on and decided to take out that frustration on a stranger, who happened to be OP.
        And that’s great and all that you know wonderful Karens but I wouldn’t take anything seriously with respect to the name itself, it was more of a name chosen out of a hat. It could have been Nancy, Dolores, Shannon, Sharon, wtv common name attributed to women of a certain generation.
        It’s what it means, which is generally attributed to “nosy middle aged woman (typically middle america white but not always) who gets irrationally upset over the stupidest slights, generally feels entitled to better treatment than your average person for no other reason than existing, and gets angry about anyone different than her enjoying life and/or being human”. There is just no other word for that in the English language so someone chose “Karen” out of a hat of names.

        1. I understand the origins of the meme. I just think it stinks to actually be named Karen, perhaps be a perfectly selfless and pleasant person, and then suddenly have a new, negative meaning attached to your name. I would feel this way if the name in question was Nancy, Dolores, Shannon, or Sharon.

          In no way am I saying this is a problem on the level of racism, xenophobia, climate change, etc. It’s a little think I dislike. That’s all.

      2. This is the comment that made me think the most – that men go on the offensive when they’re wrong. It probably was some combination of fragile masculinity along with sexism/ageism at play.

    6. Is this a troll? One of my good friends is a middle aged white woman named Karen and she in no way feels like an oppressed class last I checked…

        1. I definitely do know about the Karen meme, but I’ve never heard anyone (including my friend who seems to find the whole thing hilarious) complain about it in this way.

      2. I’m curious if it’s a tr-ll too based on the post immediately above this and the writing style. But to answer your actual question, the name “Karen” is actually often used as a way to evoke “clueless middle-aged white woman” in memes, so that part of the post does ring true…

        1. I feel like the Karen meme is more about a white middle aged woman being demanding (how dare she?) but yeah.

          I’m not a tr0ll and I’m also not the person who was accused of using a handicapped spot. I’m a mom of teenagers and I post fairly often.

          The teenagers are probably why I know about the memes. I just thought they were everywhere.

          1. I thought that the OP from the handicapped parking spot thread might be the person who keeps commenting in this thread about how she has it so much worse? (Not this OP as the tr-ll, instead that commenter/OP of other thread.) Based on writing style, use of XD, etc.

          2. She’s definitely trolling, the Karen (can also be Sharon) meme stems from that demanding lady we all know asking to speak with the manager. Which is exactly what the OP is asking if she should do, lol.

          2. Omg you guys. It’s a meme and it too shall pass. There is about a zillion dad mocking memes out there too if it makes you feel better.

          3. The name commonly used for “entitled white male baby boomer” is Jim, at least on Facebook. The name for “millennial bro-douche” is usually Josh.

    8. You have an office job and are happy to spend as much on a coffee drink as minimum wage workers spend on lunch. The poorly trained, underperfoming barista at an understaffed corporate chain cafe should not be taking his resentment out on you, but it’s not really about whether you personally did anything wrong. People who work for a living don’t see themselves as essentially gentry, but the people who serve them sometimes do see us this way. I think it can help to take a page from the gentry’s book and be impeccably gracious, generous, grateful, patient, and polite. You can still leave the line, but you could probably say something appreciative and excuse yourself to counter any impression of impatience or annoyance.

      1. Really? So if you were two (now three) people back in line and decided to leave you would announce that you were leaving but you wished them all well? Tell me your script for that. I can’t imagine how that would come off as anything but bizarre.

      2. Oh hell no. We do not have to “say something appreciative” when a man is unable to do his job. Barista, law partner, whatever he may be– no. We also do not have to excuse ourselves when we leave a PUBLIC COFFEE SHOP. We can leave whenever we want. We don’t owe anyone a smile or an apology. She didn’t have to “counter any impression of impatience” because she was out of patience. Due to their incompetence. She wasn’t rude, she wasn’t mean– she was entitled to stop allowing them to take up her time. She doesn’t have to effing smile about it. No.

        1. +100. Also, it’s not ok for anyone, no matter how little money they make, to call out and publicly insult someone who is minding her own business. It’s rude and mean-spirited and not something we should tolerate in society.

          And I have worked in the service industry at fast food restaurants, as a waitress, and as a nanny, so don’t come at me with a bunch of crap about how this is excusable because this guy was a minimum wage employee. For all you know he could have been a college kid on summer break who is making some spending money (and honestly, with his attitude I doubt he is desperate to keep this job). And no one I worked with thought our customers were “gentry” (barf). We thought of them as average people more or less just like us who happened to be buying a latte that day. On our days off we bought lattes too.

      3. “You can still leave the line, but you could probably say something appreciative and excuse yourself to counter any impression of impatience or annoyance.”

        Come on. She did nothing rude. Heaven forbid someone believes that a woman has an emotion or is anything other than completely pleased with a situation. Under the circumstances at issue here, your advice just reeks of the social expectation that women should consider and prioritize everyone else’s feelings when they are simply existing in the world. How is it less obnoxious for her to alert the guy that she’s leaving because she has somewhere more important to be, but she’s grateful for his …what, work ethic? Showing up to his shift?

        1. “Excuse me, kind sir. I appreciate the hard work you and your class do for people of my kind, but I unfortunately have a meeting to attend and will not be able to partake of your sweet favors. Adieu!”

          Definitely not bizarre.

          3. Great script!! Hey, would you mind emailing me a copy of your Gentry Handbook at gentry_rette@gmail? I misplaced the copy I was issued when I started working full time. Hopefully it’ll have other useful templates! TIA!!!

          5. Wow– please make sure that you let every male around you know that you are not laughing at him. It is very important to counteract any impressions that you have feelings a man may not like!!

      4. The whole point is that this isn’t about moral obligation, it’s about whether you want to be treated better by people who serve you and not be perceived as a “Karen” by people who have a bad attitude. I always say “excuse me” and smile when I leave a line for any reason, and no one reacts as though it’s bizarre.

        I think there’s some naivete about just how much resentment there is right now. Karen memes are the tip of an iceberg (have you see the guillotine memes yet?). I personally feel like it’s not asking too much to be lovely people whenever dealing with people who have much harder lives. But even if I didn’t feel that way, I know that I probably look a lot like the last lady who demanded to speak to a manager, and I don’t want spit in my drink.

        1. Yea, we must come from very different places/circumstances. I am now a lawyer, but I grew up poorish working class (single mother who worked as a secretary). I worked in these types of jobs for many years. No one serving you at a restaurant is thinking about how much better off you are than them and expecting you to act graciously like the gentry of the past. You are honestly thinking way too highly of yourself. No one is giving you a second thought other than – oh hey, it’s my job to make this lady a latte because she’s paying the store I work for $5. Construction workers, teachers, fellow baristas, and even homeless people are all coffee shop customers. We should treat each other well because we are all human and entitled to decency, not because we pity the people serving us coffee. Your post reeks of some sort of benevolent condescension.

        2. Call me entitled but I expect no spit in my drink as a default. I am prepared to be polite, to pay and tip. I will be a lovely person if I am in the mood, or reciprocate if the barista is lovely, and we’ll both enjoy that, hurray! It is not a prerequisite for getting a spit-free drink.

      5. “People who work for a living don’t see themselves as essentially gentry, but the people who serve them sometimes do see us this way.”

        Have you ever worked in the service industry? Cause I did for over ten years, and I don’t know anyone who I’ve worked with you saw the customers as essentially gentry. We knew they generally had more money than us, but it didn’t make them different from us. This is a super offensive comment!

      6. Honestly, I would figure that silently walking out is the way to handle it. Maybe check your phone so it looks like someone’s looking for you if you’re really worried, but really, as long as you’re not storming, stomping, huffing, sighing, rolling your eyes, shaking your head, or saying something rude on your way out, there’s nothing wrong with just leaving. It’s no one’s business why.

    9. So over mediocre men wanting a medal for doing their jobs and wanting a laugh at someone else’s expense when they don’t.

      1. Yes, i am so confused about when expecting someone to do their job turned into being a witch?

    10. You should have given him a bro move right back, and told him he needs to “smile.” ;)

  22. To the person that recommended the Fruit of the Loom underwear (available on A m a z o n) last week – thank you! I ordered them and they are just what I wanted – basic, comfy, breathable.

  24. Got talked into another beach trip with my husband’s siblings and their kids. Which is convincing me that every marriage is an intercultural marriage.

    Send me your family vacation horror stories.

    Today, I am suspecting that a nephew has eaten from every container of ice cream. I’m usually not a germaphobe, but we have a couple of leftovers in the fridge that I had been eyeing for lunch (spaghetti, lasagna) that I am now regretting having had yesterday and feeling like tossing (if so, trying to craft a response if anyone asks why I am tossing “perfectly good” food).

    3. You are throwing out spaghetti because your nephew had ice cream? I imagine a couple of spoonfuls were taken from the ice cream. Does he currently carry an infectious disease?

    4. Eat the pasta or leave it in the fridge for others!

      I had a preschool cousin who kept asking everyone for fruit — bananas, berries, etc — and would then wander off with it. Unfortunately what he wanted to do with it was squish it under anything he could find (pillows, books, shells, candles…). All week we were discovering new piles of rotting banana.

    5. Take a deep breath, listen to some calming music. I’m not sure what the real issue is you’re dealing with, but what you posted here is not worth getting upset about. Also don’t throw away the leftovers– someone else might want them even if you don’t.

    6. OP: I went to get some water at night and stumbled upon him eating out of containers (ice cream was mid spoon). With no serving spoons or plates, so FIL he may have eaten out of containers of all sorts all week :(. I’ve already had leftovers once this trip. Bleh.

      1. OP, I wouldn’t expect a kid to be trying to sneak pasta just because he was sneaking ice cream at night…

      2. Maybe unpopular opinion, but is this that big of a deal? Haven’t you ever eaten ice cream straight out of the pint using a spoon?

        3. ….this is the best way to eat ice cream!
          Thankfully I only share my ice cream with my DH, who shares worse than my ice cream spoon frozen germs.

      3. Hah, this reminds me when I was a kid, one of my parent’s friends taught me to eat ice cream out of the container with a spoon, a previously unheard-of concept with my germaphobe mother.

        The solution is clearly to buy pints of Ben & Jerry’s, because you can eat those in one sitting.

        1. My son is 11 and for the first time this summer I gave him a spoon and the tub of ice cream. You would have thought I gave him a pony. He was so excited to “break the rules”.

    7. Time to vent: my in-laws are the quintessential, poorly behaved mainland Chinese tourists. Going anywhere with them is a horror. They cut lines, they will ignore signs (often translated in Chinese) and trample and barge into restricted, cordoned-off areas, and insist on taking family/group photos EVERYWHERE (like a buffet line, for example).

    8. Are you thinking of tossing the pasta because nephew has eaten directly from the container? I don’t think you’re a germophobe if you don’t want to eat it yourself, but I wouldn’t call attention to myself by throwing it out. Just leave it for him and his parents to eat. And next time buy ice cream bars in individual wrappers instead of cartons of ice cream.

      My niece and her husband think it’s adorable to encourage their toddler to double-dip and stick his germy hands into bowls of dip, salsa, hummus, etc. I just avoid the dip at family gatherings.

    9. If this is your biggest complaint about spending a vacation with your in-laws, then you have a lot better relationship with your in-laws than I have with my family

    10. I’d be pissed if you threw out perfectly good food for this reason. You don’t have to eat it, but that doesn’t mean other people won’t.

      1. I’d be super pissed if it were left and I unknowingly ate it. So gross. You may be OK with eating it but others wouldn’t be. And that ick factor trumps anyone else’s comfort. Just because you may be OK eating food that’s fallen on the floor at home or in an alley, but that doesn’t mean others should have to be.

  25. I met a man who was visiting my (major east coast) city and we hit it off. I would absolutely date him, but he lives out west, and has a tenure track position in the humanities at a good university. He really wants to leave his city, but that’s basically impossible, unless he switches careers, right? It’s not possible for me to move to where he is. He says he is very open to both moving and switching careers because he is unhappy in his current city and realizes how lucky he is to even have a tenure track job at all, but I feel nervous about pursuing this at all. It seems like a lot of pressure with which to start the relationship. Any advice ladies?

    2. If you don’t want to do a permanent long distance relationship, move to his city, or live with a partner that may increasingly resent you for loss of job security, don’t even bother with this relationship. If he will move cities, he needs to leave that tenure track position first for his own reasons, not because of you.

      1. +1, this is a LOT of dramatic life-uprooting to be considering for a person you’ve spent… a few hours with?

    3. What context are these statements made in? Maybe I’m wrong and I admit I’m skeptical at the moment about dating, but those honestly just sound like the kind of statements a guy makes when he is trying to get his fling to garden with him.

      1. Oh I had made my interest in gardening fairly clear before. I’m the one trying to keep it casual-fling here!

        Comments were largely in the context of talking about his work and career generally, how he ended up where he is, and the reasons he’s unhappy there. Looking for something serious was in the context of talking about his family (sibling has kids, he loves visiting them and wants some too, etc).

      2. This, or even if he means it, it’s just fantasy at this point. He does not have an actual plan. He has (likely) not faced the actual reality of what it would feel like to move/what the logistical challenges would be and you don’t want the first time that happens to be when your relationship is about to fall apart because of distance.

    4. He’s open to moving. Keep dating for a bit to see if he’s serious about that. If not, move on.

    5. So, it might not be impossible for him to move, depending on the specifics of his field and how wide a net he’s willing to cast. If he’s junior at a good university, and putting out the level of research he’s supposed to be doing, there’s a reasonable chance that he could get more job offers (perhaps at slightly less prestigious places). Moving to your specific city, however, is much less likely unless he’s willing to leave academia.

    6. Echoing everyone above – please do not pursue this if you don’t want to move. This is how things started with my now-DH a number of years ago, and I was forced to move to a city I hate and give up a job that I generally loved (in addition to long-term career opportunities in my original city). It’s caused a lot of resentment on my part and I know my DH feels pretty badly about it too. We will probably eventually end up moving, but for now we are stuck because we can’t sell the house he bought a few years ago without losing a lot of money (and renting it out would not cover the cost of our mortgage). Call it a day and find someone local (or at least someone in a city you’re willing to move to).

      1. This is powerful input right here! “I met my husband this way. Don’t do it.” I admire your objectivity here, anon.

      2. I’m a bit surprised by this advice. If he’s talking about moving, why shouldn’t see pursue it? She can just not move. My DH immigrated to my small city hometown. He doesn’t work in his preferred job but he’s generally in the same field – left academia (post -doc) and works in research for industry. Sometimes someone has to make a career sacrifice but it doesn’t have to be the woman especially like this situation where he is expressly open to moving.

        1. I mean, being open to moving is not the same thing as actually pulling the trigger. Especially given he’s in academia, that’s going to be incredibly difficult (unless he leaves it, as someone pointed out). I, too, was initially open to moving when I met my DH, but when it came time to do it (and the aftermath), I’ve been incredibly unhappy. Maybe that won’t be him, of course. But if it is, both parties are in for a rough ride. The other issue is, she could pursue it and he changes his mind and decides not to move (or just can’t find a job in her city) – then what? Seems like an inevitable breakup at that point, and in addition to heartbreak, wasted time. Just my two cents as someone who had to do it.

        2. He can move to her city and then he can try to reconnect with her when he does. I think and talk about moving to [x] city all the time. But if you actually sat me down and said “are you planning to move” that answer is a flat no. I also note that OP did not say that he is talking about moving to her city. He’s just talking about moving away from his current city.

          1. IDK – actively looking would be enough for me. If he gets multiple offers and they are in a relationship, that would likely be the deciding factor in favor of her city but if they haven’t even been dating, it’s a lot to turn down other offers on the chance she’s still single.

    7. If you like him that much, be open to getting together with him when he’s in your city. Visit his city if you feel like it. But don’t change your life. Don’t move. Don’t change your job. And most of all, don’t stop dating and meeting other people.

      1. I agree with this. But remember that if you waste to much time with this guy, and you know it is going no where, then you may not be “available” for another guy if / when that guy should come along. I agree with the OP who said that he may be interested in gardening (and having you come out there, if need be to garden out there). I do NOT see him giving up a tenured professorship at a decent college. Period. Therefore, unless you go in with your eyes open and know that it is purely a gardening relationship, you will either be hurt, or lose the chance to find another guy who will give you more, or both. I say FOOEY on all of this!

  26. At 5’3″ with an 6/8 hour glass figure, it is very hard to find a dress that fits off the rack. I’m now hugely curious if the dresses recommended for petite figures may work out for me. Thanks for sharing!

  27. My sister and I just decided to go to Iceland at the end of September for a quick 4 day trip- no kids or spouses! Anyone have some suggestions for things to do, places to see, hotels to stay in? Should we rent a car? We Arrive saturday 6am and leave Tuesday night. Thanks!

    1. You absolutely need a car. There’s not enough to do in any one spot that you can do without it. The country is mostly uninhabited, so you’ll drive for hours through rural land to get from one sight to another. (Though there might be tour bus companies or something, I don’t know, we didn’t try that – regardless, you need a vehicle.)

      1. It totally depends on what you do whether you’ll need a car! I went to Iceland last year with a group of friends and stayed in Reykjavik the whole time in an Air BnB. We used tour companies for our outings and loved not having a car. There’s a bus to and from the airport, so that was easy as well. We all agreed that Gateway to Iceland was a wonderful experience– we went on their Blue Lagoon tour, and it was a small group in a van with a driver. We also went on a couple of outings with Reykjavik Excursions and did not like that experience as much (huge tour buses), but we still got to see the big sights without having to rent a car.

        Reykjavik is small enough that we just walked everywhere while we were in town. Mat Bar was my favorite restaurant– we got the tasting menu, which was great!

        1. Agreed. My husband and I went about 5 years ago and used Iceland Travel for some day trips. Worked out really well for us to not have a car to worry about.

        2. After reading the below, I just wanted to chime back in and say our Gateway to Iceland experience wasn’t to the Blue Lagoon– it was to the Glacier Lagoon. The tour was wonderful, and we got to go to a nearby black sand beach as well. Sorry for the confusion on that one.

          I enjoyed the Blue Lagoon but figured going it it would be kind of a tourist trap. Loved the restaurant there, though.

    2. Before going, I heard mixed accounts of the Blue Lagoon spa experience. After having done it in May, I agree it’s a tourist trap but I still found it fun to do under the following circumstances. I had an overnight flight to get to Iceland (slept a little but not well) and was trying to adjust to the time difference by staying awake during the day before crashing in the early evening. I found this the perfect activity for this scenario. It was interesting enough to keep me awake but relaxing and good for the body at the same time. A mid-afternoon reservation was a good time to avoid crowds in the morning and at happy hour. Have fun whatever you decide to do!

    3. I went 3 times in 18 months and while we’ve rented a car each time, i recommend being driven and doing one of the overnight trips to the south coast and back so you can see stuff, but not have to drive after a red eye. there is also a really boring 2 hour stretch between Vik and the glacier lagoon.
      we’ve stayed in apartment rentals in reykavik, fosshotel glacier lagoon (love!) and the black sand hotel (they’re like studio apartments)

      1. Mom & Dad went to Iceland for a week a few years ago. They both said it was beautiful, and that it wasn’t even cold there. If more people knew this, they would go, so I am telling the HIVE. YAY!!

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