Suit of the Week: Banana Republic Factory

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1. I had a conversation with two friends recently and while we are in very different life stages, we are all dealing with feeling like life can be a bit of a slog. We’re all late 30s/early 40s.

   Friend 1 is parenting two kids under 3 and working full-time.
   Friend 2 is renovating a house with her partner and it’s taking a lot out of them.
   And I am trying to balance work and my existing relationships with the soul-sucking and demoralizing process of online dating.

   Sometimes it feels like lots of time goes by before life is actually enjoyable. I’m not saying every minute needs to be fun, but I wouldn’t mind it if life felt more fun, more often.

   The time we put into the kids, the house, or the dates can feel so frustrating, even though it’s all in service of a greater good.

   How do you balance the whole “life’s short! buy the shoes/eat the chocolate/take the trip” mentality with the reality that a lot of life can be a slog where we put in the work for fun and security later on?

   1. I’m having so much fun now. Yes, I work a lot. Yes, I am grieving a terrible loss. Yes, housework is awful. Yes, dating is a struggle. But there is so much fun to be had in life! Monday I watched Hannah yell at Luke! Fun! Tuesday I read a new book! Fun! Tonight and tomorrow I have dance class-fun! Sunday I have a beach day planned- fun!

      It’s really important to me that I enjoy my life now, as it is. So I really prioritize making time for the things I enjoy. I write down to-do lists of Fun I Want to Have each season and each weekend.

      1. I agree with this strongly. Life can’t be a serious of OMG amazingly fun things, it’s just not realistic. But inserting easy bits of fun into everyday life and letting go of lots of the small stuff so that it’s easy to enjoy the small pleasures is key.
         Kitchen remodel = family picnic on the floor for a while. Your kids can eat take out and cold cuts for a few weeks they’ll be fine and enjoy the difference
         Work is boring = find tiny slots of mental down time – take a walk at lunch listening to a good audio book, read this site or other fun blog, go for a 15 min coffee run
         Life getting routine = find the free and different outdoor activities that your city offers. Sometimes trying something new is the fun parts.

         For example, the fun things I’ve done in the past to break up the week:
         1) BYOB and/or give what you can amateur comedy show at a local restaurant
         2) DIY fondue with a double broiler, hershey’s chocolate chips, and various dippies (angel food cake, pineapple, pretzals) all from the local supermarket
         3) Paint a dresser because it looked old
         4) Listen to romance novel audiobooks on my drive home from work that are too risque to listen to out loud at home
         5) Bubble bath on a Tuesday with lavender oil
         6) Run around with my dog in the living room
         7) Watch a comedic series with my SO

   2. Okay so. There is the slog of daily life. There is the human condition of pain, suffering, and loss. There is temporary sacrifice for long term gain. There is the grind of life with young children. There is having to develop realistic expectations about other people and our circumstances rather than thinking life should be like the movies. I think I have just sort of quietly accepted these things.

      That said, I try to do fun stuff frequently- try new restaurants! go to the new roller skating rink! try ax throwing! I try to keep a good sense of humor. I watch and read funny and lighthearted books and tv shows. I wear fun clothes. I drink really delicious iced coffee every morning. My water bottle is hot pink. I go on donors choose and full fund classroom projects and get a rush of happiness feeling like I’ve helped someone. I make it a point to meet up with friends as often as we can (its like herding cats but at least we’re trying!).

   3. I struggle with this daily. I had family visiting this weekend and went out one morning for donuts. I asked everyone what their absolute favorite was. I get home with the dozen donuts and realize I didn’t get MY favorite. I started crying (in private) because I realized I literally forget about myself. This isn’t an isolated incident by any means. Every trip to the grocery store is “kiddo asked for XYZ for lunch this week” or “BF asked for Doritos” and I forget to buy the tampons I need.

      Being in your 40’s is hard. Not “woe is me” hard. But hard in the sense that I’m realizing I want and deserve more out of life. And it’s solely on me to make sure that happens.

      1. Get a grip. They sounds like the typical female martyr thing women do to themselves — oh I’m soooo worries about getting Doritos for kid that I just can’t plain remember what donut I even wanted . . . .

         1. I’ll say it again, Anonymous. You’re always telling people they’re too sensitive and need to grow up, but you never own your statements. Choose a handle and take credit for your unceasing maturity and wisdom.

            1. +1

            2. I’ll say it again Monday- loads of us post as anonymous! It’s not one person! For instance, I, am anonymous, made the first response here. Not everyone wants to become known to people in real life and you share more info than you realize.

            3. LOL, obviously this person is an a s s but it doesn’t have anything to do with anonymous handles. That’s a weak argument you’re making.

            4. I think the comment is more directed at the commenter at 3:08 specifically than against every commenter who uses anonymous handles.

         2. Eyeroll @ Anon.

            OP – I eat my favorite donut in the car before I go in. It’s the best.

         3. The mother martyr routine is sad and familiar, but there are much kinder and more constructive ways to say this.

            You all do you, but let people in your family do things for you. Teach the kids to be thoughtful. I never understood how moms who do everything for their kids and expect nothing in return think their kids will grow up to be considerate adults.

         4. Everyone is anonymous here. You can use the same name all the time and that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not your real name.

            1. Of course. But the rudest comments are never posted by people using consistent names.

      2. I get your general sentiment but the little stuff like forgetting about the small things you need can be fixed with a good to do list. Like write out: Me Needs, Hubby Needs, Kid X Needs, Kid Y Needs. Don’t allow yourself to forget about yourself. Sometimes you have to take initiative to enjoy yourself and not be forgotten, especially if it won’t hurt anyone else. I get very sad for friends and relatives who take the position of: if it is not in the advancement of my family, especially my kids, then it really shouldn’t be done. Um NO. If it won’t hurt your family or yourself, go ahead and do it.
         If it’s in my budget for me to get a couple new lipsticks, a cute new purse, or some other frivolous items, I’m going to buy it. Not every extra cent needs to be spent on kids or family that have all their needs and most of their wants met.
         If my parents need me to help with a chore that can be put off to another day and I don’t want to do it, I won’t.
         If I want ice cream and kid says he doesn’t, guess what, we’re getting in the car and going to my favorite ice cream shop. I’ll get him a small vanilla so he can’t cry about it.
         If I see a cool outdoor festival and no one else wants to really go. So what, Hubs can take care of the kids or they will be coming too. Dragging the family to things you think might be cool isn’t always awesome as you have to deal with their not the greatest attitudes, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

   4. I put in less time for the slog stuff and force more time for fun stuff. For example, I need to update my resume and apply to a new job and take care of a house project and do a million other things around the house this weekend. I’m going backpacking instead and will delay everything non-essential to make that happen. The stuff that is essential is going to get fit into whatever time I have left. This works better if you take steps to simplify your life and get better at saying no. I basically almost never say yes to random happy hour invites with coworkers because that makes me miss my ideal train in the evening, which makes me miss the bus that I need to connect to and that puts me in a bad mood and takes away time I need for house tasks and/or alone time. Find ways to simplify your slog tasks and put the fun stuff on the calendar to make. it. happen. If you don’t, you’ll stay home week after week feeling unsatisfied and finding that all the housework expands to fill the available time.

      1. +1000 to the first sentence (and really the whole paragraph). Some stuff in my life just doesn’t get done, as much as I would like it to. DH and I have had paint samples on the wall of our guest bedroom for a year. A YEAR. But we haven’t had guests and there are other things that take priority over painting a room for basically nobody. Examples include: park time with our child, watching S****t’s Creek, weekend mini vacation with friends, dinner at a friend’s house, having friends over to our house, lots of pool time with the child, visiting family out of state, reading good books, etc. Doing the fun stuff takes a bit of effort but it is so worth it.

      2. This. I often think of these words from Anne Lamott: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212327-oh-my-god-what-if-you-wake-up-some-day

         It makes me realize that someday I will be on the verge of death, and I don’t want to be lying there realizing that I spent my whole life on the couch on Instagram because breaking out of my routine was too scary and what if The Stuff didn’t get done. So I put the fun on my calendar and go. The house will still be dirty when I get back.

         1. +1

   5. Outdoor yoga. Hiking. Slowing down to watch a snail crawl or the trees blow in the breeze with my kid. More mindfulness practice. Wine. That’s what works for me. I’m really trying to focus more on the journey and less on the destination. There will always be sloggy, unfun stuff – it’s never ending, so don’t wait for it to end. Make the small moments matter and be fun.

   6. Yeah, the daily grind is definitely rough sometimes, but I try to find joy in the little things. I enjoy trying new restaurants and will go out for happy hour after work sometimes. Instead of cooking, I’ll get carryout. I sleep in on the weekends. This past Saturday I slept in and took a nap later in the day. I didn’t get around to do doing my grocery shopping and some of the laundry went undone, but I felt relaxed. I volunteer once a week at an animal shelter and I feel like I’m doing something valuable and helpful with my time.

      People talk about self care a lot and for me that is just letting go of things that need to be done. I’ll put off the chores sometime and will sit on the couch with a good book. I’m an introvert and that is something that helps me recharge.

      1. I think part of finding joy in the little things is also about choosing what you focus on and how you frame your memory/story of the day to day. Yes, life with a toddler is hard. We spent 5 minutes this morning with him yelling about something inane and refusing to lay down for a diaper change. But we also had an awesome 5 minutes after that where he asked to read a book in my lap. (“Shark book? Mama lap.” followed by a deliberate flop into my lap). That 5 minutes of awesome keeps a smile on my face.

         1. I agreed with this. Chasing after my toddler and dealing with her meltdowns can be physically and mentally exhausting but every single day she has moments where she discovers something new or does something sweet for the first time and it absolutely melts my heart. Those moments bring me so much joy that I hang onto through the harder stuff.

   7. Following. I am single, 36, renovating a house, working a highly demanding job with international scope/travel, and taking care of two disabled parents including one with Alzheimer’s. My time off is spent literally feeding my parent and taking my parent to the toilet (they have a thing that they think they need to go twice per hour, and you can’t reason with them). Even with 24/7 care, they want their family (me) to do it. It is like parenting but without the joy and the knowledge that things are only going to get worse.

      And people actually ask me when I am going to settle down and have a kid. (So they can have a life like mine? LOL! Also what sane man would sign up for this goat rodeo?)

      1. I’m so sorry. You sound like a caring daughter and a lot of people would have lost patience with that twice-hourly routine a long time ago.

      2. Yes, hugs! You have alot of difficult issues going on and in your current situation, it is hard to even look past these issues to think of establishing a lasting relationship with a decent man. But that does NOT mean you have to forego all contact/activities with men that could help you find one and balance the trying tough activities you highlight. For now, take it light, explain this to the men you meet, and tell them you have not lost all interest in men and the commensurate benefits associated with fun hetero$exual activities b/c of all of this, and perhaps you will find a caring guy who will not only provide psychic support for your tough situation, but the $exual portion you truly need for the release we all crave. You could find yourself with a DECENT man that can neutralize the situation, and grant you with the comfortable experiences you need for him to provide in to cope with what is now your difficult situeation. Good luck to you as you navigate through these rough seas, and please report back to the hive. I am confident you will find a decent guy if you keep looking!

   8. I’m 38 and feel this so hard. I had a lightbulb moment about a year ago when I realized that if I want to have fun and pleasure in my life, I have to make it happen and make it a priority. Between kids, work, and life, it is rarely going to happen on its own. That sounds depressing, but it’s really been rather freeing. I don’t agree with Laura Vanderkam on a lot of things; however, one thing that she gets right is advocating that the time is probably there, somewhere, but you have to plan ahead for fun. I try to leave enough margin in my life for spontaneity but the real key to getting out and doing fun things is to make them un-breakable dates like anything else. That means my house is going to stay dirty tonight because I’m going kayaking after work. I will clean tomorrow and probably not resent it as much because I’ve treated myself to something fun.

      1. I heard this quote someplace & it applies:
         “We are where we want to be”
         Meaning:
         time on fun
         time seeing people who matter
         unfortunately, also when people say they’re too busy to meet for an event/plans -~ it’s the sad message (to me)
         that I hear.

      2. I just tried reading Laura V.’s book “I know how she does it” and was surprised by some of the advice. What were your thoughts?

   9. “Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.” – Jack Kerouac

      1. +1

   10. I know we’ve all felt like we’re in a rut or that we’re slogging through our days. “How do you balance the whole “life’s short! buy the shoes/eat the chocolate/take the trip” mentality with the reality that a lot of life can be a slog where we put in the work for fun and security later on?” For me, it’s about priorities. Lord knows I’m not against shoes or chocolate (I’ve purchased both this week), but I try to focus on activities that are fulfilling for me personally, and then I try to make the work more enjoyable.

       Here are the things that help me:
       1). Be mindful and grateful for things that are fun or good about my day.
       2) Make chores or other drudgery more enjoyable. I like listening to audiobooks or podcasts while I do chores. I use fancy ingredients when I cook.
       3) Schedule fun and making sure it happens. I schedule time with friends and extended family and my husband and my son.
       4) Be spontaneous and take advantage of opportunities even if unscheduled or out of routine. On July 2nd, I found out that I’d have July 5th off, and DH and I threw together an 8-hour road trip to visit some family members we’ve been trying to find time to visit. We had a great long weekend, and I’m glad we decided to leave the housework behind to spend time with loved ones.
       5) Sometimes saying “F* it, the dishes will be dirty tomorrow. ” We had a “free” day Saturday, and the first free weekend day in about a month. I woke up with visions of hanging art and doing yard work and fixing things around the house. Instead, we went out for pancakes, and then I played board games and hide-and-seek and did puzzles with my 4-year-old and then took him to the park (all while DH cleaned). The yard’s still a mess, but it’s 90 degrees and muggy outside anyways. We have some projects to do around the house–but we’ve done a LOT since we moved in, and nothing is an emergency.

       1. I agree with all of this. I also want to plug the Yale class the science of well-being. If you search for Yale happiness class it comes up. It’s available for free online and is both super interesting and gives concrete ideas to basically be happier

2. Would you buy a house where the designer made short-sighted choices in floorplan and materials? Wooden bathroom fixtures will definitely deteriorate, vaulted ceilngs with no fan will seriously affect our power bill, etc. And this is not a cheap house for our LCOLA.
   But, OTOH, the commute would be ideal for both DH and I. It’s very pretty and has exactly the kind of neighbors we want- there have only been a few properties like that since we started looking in spring.
   Were relatively settled in our jobs and area, and have talked about finding a “forever” home. But realistically, the average is 7 years, right?

   1. If this is a new build, no, I would not ignore short-sighted choices in materials. If the designer and construction company short-sighted with the materials you can use and use bad materials, image what the work that you can’t see is like. I would have serious concerns about the quality of all the work.

      1. It’s about 20 years old, and I think everything is original. Curious about what might come out on inspection, of course, but that won’t happen unless we decide to make an offer.

         1. If they’ve lasted 20 years, I think the worry about wooden fixtures not lasting longer is not a real concern. They’ve already lasted a long time. :) Things like installing a fan seem easy as well. You’re realistically not going to find exactly what you want and will need to customize to your liking. You don’t have to offer the asking price if you like it but don’t think it’s worth it, right?

         2. There is a lot that an inspection just can’t find. If they took short-cuts with electrical or plumbing, you are not likely to find that until you try to do a remodel or something breaks.

      2. Agreed. I’m going through this right now and would advise anyone to be very skeptical if you already know the designer used poor materials or took short-cuts or just generally made bad decisions. Our building was constructed just over 10 years ago and we’re only now learning about massive problems that were the result of poor choices made during construction. The initial bid to repair is 5.4 million and we are out of warranty.

         1. I’m fascinated by what could cost $5+M to repair (and the original cost of the home).

            1. I bet it’s a condo building – people usually don’t call their SFHs a building.

            2. I should’ve been more specific. It’s a condo with water problems related to shortcuts taken while constructing the “envelope” of the building.

            3. Me too! Is it like a $20+ Million house?

            4. The poster said “building” so I assume it’s a condo or similar.

         2. I assume this is a condo building or similar.

   2. Materials seems like an easy enough fix. Can you install ceilings fans and upgrade your insulation to help with controlling power bills? If it gets lots of light, look into better window coverings to help with heat. What kind of wooden fixtures are in the bathroom? Does it have windows or a vent fan?
      Floorplan is harder to fix but not impossible.

      1. I mean, I’m no sure these are really so easy to fix. I’ve installed fans, but not in second story slanted ceilings–that’s more complicated. I suspect the insulation and window-quality might not be appropriate to the climate, given that the house design isn’t…those aren’t easy fixes.

         The tub and sink are surrounded by tongue and groove wood. It looks nice, but I’ve lived with it in rentals and it absorbs water instead of repelling it. Sooner or later that price has to be paid with total replacements or constant fussy refinishing…

         I guess I feel like I know sort of how annoying and potentially expensive these particular things would be (and there are quite a few more on the list). I’m just curious how other people, who have actually owned homes before and have more varied life experience and investment perspective, would weigh them in the decision making process.

         1. In addition to an inspection, take a contractor with you to assess potential costs of replacement for some of the bigger ticket items. We did this when considering a house that was 35+ years old because we knew that flooring would need replacing, we had some questions about the integrity of the windows and we wanted to maybe remove a wall to open up rooms. Our current house is 17 years old (with a 2 story family room). It has a ceiling fan, but that doesn’t really impact our cooling costs (we live in the way south, it’s hot here much of the year). What did help with those was replacing the downstairs A/C unit at the end of life (pro), insulating the garage doors to help the bonus room (conditioned space) over it (DIY), and installing some tint window film in a room that got lots of sun (DIY). But, the house overall is well built. Annoying and expensive is pretty much par for the course in home ownership- there always seems to be a project waiting in the wings. If there are a bunch of design flaws in addition to a lot of systems nearing replacement (roof, hot water heater, HVAC systems) that would be a no from me.

         2. I have had to hire someone to install ceiling fans and to add insulation to my attic. Easy-peasy. You just have to have the money to do it (and find references for someone good who can help). The reason those things are easy to fix is because you don’t have to move out of the house while the work is being done. The bathroom remodel will be more complicated, but generally, what i have learned about bathroom is that many of them don’t stay nice for long. There is generally just too much water in a small space. Does the home have a second bathroom? Would you be able to continue living there while the work is being done? That is basically my test for if I consider the work to be “hard.”

   3. Kind of in that boat myself. We snagged a house for what ends up being a steal in our not-that-HCOL-but-there-are-no-available-houses area. At first I was really happy to have a house and thought we were incredibly lucky. Four months in, I’m getting increasingly irritated with the small things (bathroom fixtures, like you mention, or in our case ugly popcorn ceilings or doors that don’t fit the frame they’re in) that come from shoddy/outdated craftsmanship. I’m getting tired of living in a perpetual construction zone. And I feel like every time we tackle one seemingly small problem, a thousand bigger ones grow out of it.

      I don’t mean to be super Debbie Downer. I just really wish I had weighed these things in the balance first. That said, ideal commute, pretty setting, good neighbors all matter, too. :)

      1. Four months is not that long, though.

      2. We lived in a house just like yours for 17 years. It was not worth it. We were constantly fixing or upgrading something and when we went to sell, we still had to cut the price for everything we hadn’t managed to fix or upgrade. It was a huge money- and time-suck. I never even calculated how much we put in vs. how much we got at sale because I knew the number would have made me nauseous. If things don’t get better with your house within the next year or year-and-a-half, and you can get out from under, do it. There are plenty of houses out there that are nice to live in and don’t require constant time, money and attention. As my husband said after we’d been living in our new house for awhile, “the old house was like being in a bad relationship with a high-maintenance person who won’t let you break up with them.”

   4. I would only be worried about the floorplan. If the house is 20 years old, you’re going to be replacing a lot of the materials soon anyway.

   5. I’d just add, don’t buy a house because you love the neighbors. We had the awesomest neighbors all around us when we moved in 5 years ago. They’ve all since sold and moved and the new ones are all terrible. You just never know.

3. I’m sure you all already knew this slash it is not that big a deal, but I was happy to grab two of the J Crew Going Out blazers at 40% yesterday.

   1. They remain 40% off today too, if anyone is in the market!

      1. And there is a new tweed one!

         1. Wait where is the tweed one!

            1. it’s not on promo but here is the link – https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/suiting/novelty/goingout-blazer-in-blackandwhite-tweed/M0256?color_name=black-white-multi

            2. Thank you! Hoping for another promo, fingers crossed!

            3. I would buy the tweed one in a New York minute if only J.Crew made pieces in a petite cusp size. [Insert standard rant about petite size runs that end with a 12 petite that has dimensions the same as a 10 misses but with shorter sleeves here.]

         2. Ooooh, I didn’t know they had one in tweed! Sadly it looks to be sold out.

            1. It’s not sold out, it just must not be coded properly to show in the “blazer” area. It pops up if you search!

            2. Oops, I was looking at this one: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/blazers/open/goingout-blazer-in-tweed/J8119

4. Just got a hair color (toner) today. Lately every time I get my hair colored and/or cut I have the urge (on my way home) that I am BORING and need to do something DIFFERENT!
   FWIW, my hair is between chin and shoulder length and naturally a medium brown – the color toner I get is a bit more auburn so you can see the auburn tone in the light.
   WWYD? Should I get it cut short again? (I had it that way for about 4 years 2011-15) It’s been roughly this length for about 3 years. It doesn’t grow long. Or should I get it colored more noticeably? I would love pink or purple hair but I have a feeling my clients would not.

   1. In the fall, I get my dark hair coloured with dark purple/burgundy/merlot balayage. It’s purple and fun (you can see it in the light) but its subtle enough that I can pull it off as a lawyer in court etc.

      You can do it! But if you don’t think it would work, what about bangs? or an asymmetrical bob? Something that would be fun and trendy but not too far off, and would be easy to grow out if you don’t like it.

   2. Get blonde highlights – what is current is lighter bold streaks around the face and more subtle in the rest of the hair
      Do an undercut that can be covered with your hair down or in a low ponytail – you can even dye the back pink or purple.
      Go a dark red
      Get a hidden color (bold color underneath that can only be seen with hair up or when you part your hair.

      Some good examples: https://diply.com/16053/12-gorgeous-hidden-hair-colors-youll-totally-want-to-show-off

5. I’ve had a number of these over the years. Only stopped buying them two or three years ago.

   I find they fade when you dry clean them in a way that is noticeable and renders the whole garment to be trash. Possibly this is a problem with my dry cleaner but I don’t find I have this problem with other suits. The fair area is the high back part. It’s especially noticeable if your suit is black. Looks like dust or a dandruff and people have actually tried to swat it off before realizing it’s futile (that when you chop up the suit jacket for rags)

   I do like they they have “trend” suits like this one with a bit more quality than h&m or one of those other trend places.

   1. Yeah I haven’t had this problem. Maybe try a different dry cleaner first. Also how often are you dry cleaning them. Sure with frequent dry cleaning there will be fading, but I find I can wear suits for YEARS before that happens. Do you literally dry clean each suit each time you wear it?

      1. I’d guess after 8 wears? also depends on lifestyle I guess (I have a kid an a dog so sometimes one wear and everything is shot).

   2. I am Team Banana after trying every other brand once I made partner. As a pear, you can’t do better for any amount of $. I need petite jackets which Boss and the like don’t do.

      Have never had a dry cleaning problem with them, and I have two black suits (one is > 6 years old).

   3. This sounds like either a dry cleaner problem or a problem with the way you store them, particularly since it seems to be one specific area. Have you or your dry cleaner ever hung them in a car or window in the sun? Or leaned against a rough brick or concrete wall? Once would be all it takes to damage the fabric for good.

6. Late in the day for this, but am wondering if any of you had problems with spotting right after your period. The internet seems to think I am dying and all friends say it is not a big deal. Looking for any positive stories to remind myself not to freak out in the few days before I can get in to see her

   1. This is always something that needs to be checked out as there is a small possibility it could be cervical or uterine cancer. Neither myself nor anyone I know who has had spotting investigated has ended up having cervical or uterine cancer, if that helps.
      Could you be pregnant? Some people have spotting at implantation.

   2. apparently spotting is also common in pregnancy!

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