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This black-and-white jacquard skirt would be so easy to work into any wardrobe. Recently, I’ve been very into these home organizer Instagram accounts that keep popping up, and I now aspire to have a perfectly-organized and color-coded closet worthy of the ’gram. In order to do that, I’m trying to keep my clothes as well-edited as possible. The goal for 2020 is not to buy anything that couldn’t work into three or four outfits with clothes I already own. Staring at this right now, I know that I could wear it with a camel cardigan and white blouse, a hot pink crewneck sweater, or a black shell with a white blazer. Done! Jacquard Dot Pencil Skirt
The skirt is $109 and available at Talbots in plus sizes 14–24, misses sizes 2–18, petite sizes 0–16, and plus petite sizes 14–22.
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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LaurenB
I agree this could easily work into a wardrobe, but not quite seeing a camel cardigan (or any camel top) with it. I envision more a deep burgundy or some rich jewel tone color on top.
Never too many shoes...
Totally agree. Purple or teal or yellow would all look great.
anon
One of the pictures shown when you click through has a white blouse and beige trench. I think it’s lovely and could imagine it looking just as polished with a camel cardigan instead of the trench.
Anonymous
Too funny, I was thinking a cream top and an orange sweater. Or a vivid blue jacket.
networking script?
I’m looking for a job, and I see a great job posting at a company that mentions that they use a particular niche software.
I happen to have worked a bit in the past with a guy who heads biz dev for the niche software company. I don’t know him well, but we see each other at conferences and are friendly.
I would love for him to make an introduction for me to the company with the job opening or to give me any inside insight, assuming he has some…looking for a good way to say that without putting him on the spot. Is it too forward to just ask if he will introduce me?
Anonymous
There is literally no harm in asking. I’d say actually approach it as a recon call: ask what he knows of the company. If you like what you hear THEN ask for an intro.
anon
I feel like I’m way too established to be even asking this question, but how many of you are still taking notes by hand vs. on a laptop/using a notetaking platform? I have tried both Evernote and OneNote and neither has stuck for more than a few months. Plus, I’ve had both platforms crash at the worst possible times. Therefore, it’s all about the Moleskine notebook for me. Yesterday I got a weird comment from a coworker about how she thought it was odd that I didn’t use a laptop to take notes during meetings, particularly because I do some work with digital media. And yeah — I suppose it *is* weird. But I hate lugging around a laptop just to take notes, the visual nature of a notebook helps me remember stuff, and at least everything is all in one spot. I have similarly flamed out with digital to-do lists. I have tried, but it never sticks. Or I end up spending more time organizing my lists than actually doing the thing. If I really do need a digital trail, I would rather use Word or Excel to keep things simple. I wonder if this is a personality thing or if I just haven’t found the right tools that work for me. I do enjoy using Trello to keep track of my team’s big-picture deadlines, but I don’t use it for my daily to-do items.
The original Scarlett
I am paperless for everything except my notes. Like you, a moleskin notebook is my preference. Luckily though, it’s pretty on trend in my office so zero second looks.
Carrie
+1
I actually carry a very small notebook around me with and take notes all the time. My field is a floodgate of info daily. While I agree that some people chide me about it, I remember things much better when I write things down, and have a better structure to how I take notes by hand that doesn’t translate as well to digital. Since I am on my feet a lot when doing this, a computer would not be the alternative – it would be my phone – and just… no.
Anonymous
I take meeting notes on my laptop but in an Outlook email that I send to myself and other team members who need it. That goes into my folder for that project.
I don’t use a special app for projects but instead use a Task List in Word that I created that I use for each project with contacts for the project, checklists, and charts to track task/assignments/deadlines. That’s in a shared resource so we can all update it.
I don’t use an electronic ToDo list, but do put external team deadlines in as Outlook calendar items. My calendar is shared with my teams.
TrixieRuby
There is research in colleges that says that paper and pen notetaking is best for memory–your brain may know that and you follow along. I like to keep a skinny spiral notebook for each project and take notes in those. I can always photograph certain pages and upload them.
emeralds
Yes, there is research supporting the use of paper and pen note-taking for information retention. Pen and paper is definitely my default for meetings–I find I focus better and retain the information better.
Anonymous
Even without research, I know this to be true for me.
I am a lightening fast typer (former typesetter from when I was in college and had to take timed typing tests to get temp jobs). I can hear something and type it and I swear those neurons only work that quickly b/c they bypass my brain entirely.
When I write, I use a shorthandish system that works for me based on subject matter often using something like a symbol for a common word (delta greek letter = change or defendant, depending on context). But I can distill things down to their essence to write as little as possible and be concise. With typing, IMO it’s more of a verbatim thing which means I pay more attention to the words and less to the overall meaning.
Anon
This seems true for me if I’m comparing typing and handwriting. But if I hand write on a device (using a drawing feature on an tablet , for example), that seems just as good as writing on paper.
Anon
I take handwritten notes in meetings and during depositions. I find it less distracting and I remember things better when writing them down.
anon
I’m with you; use a notebook for my notes and to-do lists. Most others in my office use OneNote. I hate digital notes, find it very hard to search and I remember a lot of what I write based on spatial cues so I lose that when I take things via computer. Taking notes by hands significantly decreases my need to actually use the notes, writing it down physically seems to help me process it. I don’t get that benefit when I type. I’m also able to sketch charts, layouts, etc to ensure that everyone on my team knows exactly what we’re working towards rather than just the content to cover.
In-House in Houston
I’m the same way. I use my laptop a lot, but I still carry around a legal pad. Like you, I can visualize my notes better and I can even remember that I scribbled something on the top of the page. I conduct a lot of workplace investigations so I take a lot of notes. The downside to that is that sometimes I have to turn them over for a lawsuit and so my scribbles are sometimes hard for others to decipher. If I typed them at least I could clean them up before I had to turn them over.
Anon
I find people have a lot of unsolicited opinions about taking notes. I prefer hand written because it generally allows me to be more engaged with the people in a meeting. Looking at a screen while taking notes is not ideal for relationship building but I do it if necessary. (I type faster so it would be better for me to use a laptop. If on the phone and taking notes, I always use Word/my computer.) I did use OneNote in law school and liked it for taking notes and keeping them organized. I get more comments like you don’t need to write this down, you don’t need to take notes on this…I process by writing but I have adjusted a bit due to such comments.
anne-on
+1, I’ve had senior people in our org. explicitly state at the start of meetings ‘computers shut, handwritten notes only pls’, or make their preference for notepads/note taking VERY clear to avoid distraction and to convey their full attention to their peer and/or clients.
Anon
I take hand written notes on a yellow legal pad that are then scanned into my client files. My to-do lists are also handwritten.
pugsnbourbon
Same here.
anon
+1
Anon
Any reason for the preference for yellow? Or is it just habit? I find yellow pads adorably quaint but I always use white because of an un-tested assumption that it would scan better.
pugsnbourbon
My company already had a ton of yellow notepads when I started, so I grabbed about a dozen and have hoarded them since.
Cb
I’m super tech-y but still use a paper notebook for planning (monthly to do list) and scraps of paper for daily and weekly to dos. I also tend to take notes on paper – I’m more likely to really engage with the material if I’m writing things down.
CountC
You can only take my notepads from my cold dead body. I do not retain information when I type, so I handwrite all notes. Personally, I find the sound of typing in meetings to be distracting (on the rare occaision we are all in the same place vs. Sykpe/conf call).
BB
+1 to Team Pen and Paper Forever! I also find the typing sound can be distracting, and it also can feel like someone is literally taking down everything I say verbatim. And I totally don’t retain typing as well as writing.
Gail the Goldfish
Rocketbook!! It’s a reusable notebook that has an app that makes it very easy to scan into a pdf. Take handwritten notes in rocketbook, snap a picture in the app, it emails it to my work email, then I just drag the pdf into our document management system. I use a mix of rocketbook and word or OneNote for notetaking
anon
I was a gifted a Rocketbook mini and have yet to try it, but this might be a good middle ground for me.
waffles
I love Rocketbook too. I like the microwaveable one which is real paper. I also have the mini, if that’s the more plastic-y paper which is erased with water and I really didn’t like that one. If the paper gets wet at all, the notes are unreadable. Definitely look for the real paper one!!
anon
I finally tried it out today, and … meh. I really don’t like plastic paper and being forced to write with a gel pen. Gel = my handwriting looks even sloppier than usual.
Rainbow Hair
I really enjoy my Rocketbook.
Anonymous
I take notes in Outlook. I open an email, put the subject/date/time of the meeting in the subject line, and take notes during the meeting. Post-meeting, I reorganize the format so they are more useful (I take stream of consciousness notes) which helps with memory retention, and then I email them to myself and file with the appropriate project.
PolyD
My people! I always feel a little lame being the one writing on paper, but it is the best way for me. The field I’m in, Word and other writing programs don’t “know” a lot of the words I use, so they substitute different ones and I am compelled to fix that as I type, so it really slows down my note-taking. I’ve also noticed that when we’re taking notes for the same thing, my written ones are more detailed than what my colleagues note when using their laptops. I think that’s generally a plus?
Plus sometimes I need to draw something or draw arrows from one idea to another one… it’s all just a little easier on paper.
Jeffiner
I prefer notebooks because I don’t take notes linearly. My note-pages have little clusters of notes, with arrows, circles, and symbols all around. Some clusters are at the top of the page, some at the bottom, and it really has no bearing on the meeting flow. One of my coworkers likes to set up a shared Excel file for us all to use, but even if I can put a meeting’s bullet point into one of the pre-defined cells, I can’t organize my questions or reminders to myself that way.
trefoil
This!
I appreciate it when someone else types notes during meetings, but I can’t both take notes and participate.
In court, I take notes on cross exam with one colour and then use a second second colour for re-direct and a third for argument issues. Before I start a big trial, I buy a pack of multi-coloured pens. It is also be a bit of a reward system.
Anon
I take notes in a small paper pad. (Moleskin size, but a conference freebie ;) ) Taking a laptop to a 30 minute meeting seems cumbersome to me.
RR
The only way I’ve managed electronic note-taking is with an Apple Pencil in Goodnotes on my iPad. It gives me both the paper and pen dynamic that helps me retain information better (and frankly take more useful notes for me) and the benefits of digital notes (including a pretty solid electronic handwriting search function).
Anon
Almost everybody I work with takes notes on paper. I say almost because I know one person who has some kind of tablet thing that looks almost like a Kindle and is just for taking notes.
DB Cooper
That’s probably a Boogie Board Sync–very cool LCD screen, saves to a .pdf for you. I’ve had mixed luck with mine (especially rankling given the early adopter price I paid), but I am a diehard Boogie Board fan in general for shopping lists, household notes, quick “need to jot down this number to enter on the next screen” tasks, and the like. US company and saves paper, highly recommend Boogie Board!
The Rocketbook (any version) is GREAT for those of us who want a paper record for a file as well as a .pdf emailed to us to drag into document retention. If you don’t like the reusable notebooks with the gel pens but otherwise like the system, please consider the purchasable “regular paper” pads with the right codes printed on them. I’ve been very pleased with my Rocketbooks.
I have always counseled my junior folks to avoid bringing a laptop into a meeting because it’s literally putting a wall between you and your client/meetingmate, with commensurate lessening of personal connections. If others can’t see your screen in a bigger meeting, they may also presume (based on typing/mousing/attention patterns) that you’re doing something other than paying attention–and they’re often right!
Anonymous
I work in digital media as well and used to swear by paper notes (for the memory sticking as others have said). I started my career as a newspaper reporter and used to use paper even for interviews at the time (no time to record and go back through. But I’ve become a convert now. I found a HUGE advantage from using the “Notes” pad on my desktop in that it allows me to do word searches. This has been incredibly handy when I need to locate some point or try to recall what we agreed to in a meeting that occurred quite some time ago. Less important to me but still valuable–if I have things on paper (like notes from attending a conference), I’m far less likely to reference them or share them with others after the event than when it’s a simple copy and paste with slight clean-up to get it into an email or Word doc.
Anon
Pencil on paper!
Silent, efficient, engages the brain, allows for eye contact with speaker without “click click click I’m recording you!” feel.
And I have absolutely 100 % hated every windows-based laptop my employer has given me for non-stationary use. The touchpads are so, so bad (compared to the fruity ones), so I swear and shout a distracting amount on the laptop. I don’t shout at my pencils.
I keep one notebook per project (or 7, however long), not one personal chronological one.
I use cheap school style A5 size notebooks.
Anokha
I’m taking notes my hand, as do 80% of my colleagues. (In house lawyer)
anon
I’m the anon who asked for Portugal tips yesterday. I got called away for work junk so I didn’t get to participate in the conversation but thank you all for the tips and recommendations!
Anon
Inspired by yesterday’s discussion on fitness/health as we age!
What is your favorite piece of at-home workout equipment? If you lift weights at home, what’s your heaviest set for upper and lower body?
Anon
Yoga mat and foam roller.
BB
Does a foam roller count as workout equipment? Mine has been amazing to help with recovery after workouts and has probably saved me several hundred bucks in massage therapist fees (I still go, just less often).
busybee
I love Pure Barre but can’t afford to regularly attend classes. I do PB workouts at home using 3 pound weights. I’ll also do squats/lunges with 2 10-pound weights. I’ll use 10 pound weights for “regular” lifting that’s not barre. I’m 5’3, 100 pounds and this works for me. I have very defined muscles and don’t care that I don’t “lift heavy.”
Anonymous
1. Aerobics step.
2. 2x 10-pound dumbells. Any more than that and I need to lift myself (pushups).
anon
DH bought a bike trainer stand that you can use to turn a regular bike into a stationary bike. It’s not Pelaton-wife quality, but it gets the job done! Best $70 purchase ever; I use it all the time during the winter months.
cbackson
I have the pricey version of this – a Wahoo Kickr Snap smart trainer than I can use with Zwift – and it’s amazing.
Anonymous
I love my powerblock adjustable weights – they go from 3-24 pounds per hand.
KW
We have Powerblock adjustable weights too, and they go up from 2.5 to 50 lbs per hand. We got them at a second hand sporting goods store about 10 years ago, and they’re still in perfect shape. Love them. We also have kettlebells ranging from 5 to 30 lbs.
Anon
My running shoes and my bike. I am not an indoor-worker-outer in any way, shape for form.
emeralds
This gets at something really important that I think can get lost in these discussions: the “best” workout is the one that is enjoyable & sustainable for YOU.
Anon
My problem is the best workout for me is Barry’s, but there isn’t one where I live :(
pugsnbourbon
Favorite piece is the rowing machine we scored off Craigslist for a ridiculously low price.
We also have a barbell + bumper plates, so it goes from 45lbs to …395 if I loaded every single one onto the bar (am nowhere close to doing this on any lift).
Tippins
I also have a second-hand rower and barbell with bumper plates!
Anonymous
Kettlebells! I currently have 10/15/20/35/44 lbs
I am hoping to need a bigger set soon!
Anon
Kettlebells!
Angela
Honestly, my Peloton has gotten me exercising probably 2-3x per week more often than I would without it. There’s just NO excuse not to get on the bike for 20 measly minutes and work up a quick sweat in the evening.
Anonymous
Thank you for the plus options. Ive been meaning to mention that I really appreciate seeing other bodies in workwear. It helps me rewrite how I think about my own body and myself: That my body deserves to be in the spaces I need/want to be in, and that nothing about my body is inherently unprofessional, though it sometimes feels that way.
Anon
+ all the numbers…
You have articulated it better than I could have.
Anon
Do you care about party loyalty? I’ve noticed that most of my younger friends do not and would vote for any politician who aligns with their policies and principles, but I’ve noticed others emphasizing the importance of the party or assessing whether candidates have always voted with the party. Not sure if it’s a generational divide or what. Personally, I have always voted Democrat, but only because the D candidates are the closest to what I believe. I would definitely vote for an independent or Republican if there were a good candidate to vote for.
anon
Both people and parties change their priorities over time, so I look at each individual election/candidate to decide my vote.
anon
I’m young-ish and don’t care about party loyalty. Despite voting D a majority of the time, I’m a registered Independent.
Anonymous
Certainly not when you are talking federal vs state/local politics.
I’m a moderate living in Massachusetts, registered as unaffiliated. I vote R on most town and state elections. I pick the most contentious ticket in the primaries- this year I’ll of course be voting on a D ticket in the primaries but in other years I’ve voted in the R primary. I’ve been voting in presidential elections since 2000 and have always voted for the Democratic candidate.
If there were ever a moderate republican who was socially liberal that made it to the national election, s/he’d have my vote. But I’m more socially liberal than fiscally conservative, so at a national scale that means D.
Anon
I think both parties have major issues so I always look at the candidate.
Anon
+1
anon
This +100. My views don’t really line up with either party so I definitely look at the candidates.
anon
I see party loyalty as a potentially dangerous thing. Look at all the Republicans who will keep voting for Trumpster even though they supposedly hate everything he stands for. Just because he has an R behind his name. I see this a lot with people my parents’ age (65+). I guess I’ve seen too many cases in which party politics get in the way of people even considering thinking outside the box and voting for someone who would probably do a better job representing their interests.
Anonymous
I don’t like having a two-party system, but I also don’t like seeing the candidate I really dislike win because the people on the side I’m more aligned with split their votes between the mainstream party and 3rd party candidates, not to mention all the people who chose not to vote at all because none of the candidates seemed good enough for them.
Voting isn’t like marriage, a candidate shouldn’t need to be a perfect match to get your vote. Voting is like taking public transit, you know where you want to go, no option will get you door to door but you pick the option that will get you closest. And if it’s late at night, maybe your options are limited, but you still need to get home (and let’s for the sake of the argument pretend it’s 2008 and Lyft doesn’t exist yet). But at the same time, if all your options are garbage, advocating the improvements to the system.
Ranked choice voting is the answer here – where instead of picking one candidate, you put down your first choice, second choice, etc. and this way people can vote 3rd party as their first choice but indicate a mainstream candidate as a second or third choice. And I know it won’t be an option for this current election, but there have been movements to make this a thing. Find out what groups in your area are pushing for it and get involved.
Anonymous
Not proud to admit this, but if I don’t have time to do research, I vote party line. If I do have time to research, I vote according to candidate position on issues that are important to me.
anon
oh yeah, if the ballot is longer than my arm and I am unable to research every issue/feel not sufficiently qualified to judge, I rely on recommendations from organizations that I support. That could be my labor union, a professional organization, a non-profit or what have you. I have no problem taking advantage of expertise provided by others.
Anonymous
Please don’t just vote for the candidate that your union tells you to vote for…
Jeffiner
I live in a deep red state, and its only in the past few years that my local Democratic party has been anything to consider. Besides being in a red state, the leadership was disorganized and ineffective. But now membership has ballooned, and there are actually candidates and campaigns to support, and the people who have always been Democrats here are loving it. I’m working to support these new candidates, but I’m hesitant to join the party or call myself a “Democrat.” There are new people with great ideas working for the party now, and although all my values currently align with the Democrats’, I prefer being unaffiliated. Maybe it is generational, but I don’t really feel comfortable around the always-been-Dems or discussing issues or candidates with them. Its like they have no room for other opinions, its Democrat or nothing.
We don’t register for a party in my state anyway. My state has open primaries, and voting on the other team’s side is sometimes a thing.
Anonymous
Quite the luxury. I registered dem when I moved to nyc. City council races were basically decided at the (closed) primary level. I truly felt that not registering as a dem meant losing my right to vote on a local level.
I’m a dem at this point (I used to occasionally vote for pro-choice Republicans but,in my opinion, the Republican Party has lost its mind of late. Both in my small town and nationally.)
Anon
I vote by candidate not by party 85% of the time.
However, I live in a commonwealth and so all government roles etc and pushed down to the most local level possible, so we vote for positions like coroner, judges, register of wills, sheriff, A LOT of city council positions, etc. I don’t have time to research 50 candidates so I just vote straight D for those positions
Anonymous
I think I vote by candidate and not by party. Bleeding heart liberal who supports Sanders in this primary, but voted R for recent gubernatorial election in 2018 and have voted R for local politics.
Anon
What’s your rationale for voting R for local elections? It’s something I’ve considered, but haven’t done yet. It came up for me because while I’m very progressive on most federal policy issues, my approach to crime and public safety aligns more with Republican local candidates.
Anon
I’m a single-issue voter, and one party aligns with that issue, and the other is exactly opposed to it. Ergo, I either leave my ballot blank or vote for the party that supports my position.
Panda Bear
Any recommendations for an opaque white or ivory, short-sleeved or sleeveless blouse? So tired of trying on white/ivory blouses that require a cami to keep my bra hidden. I had a wonderful *lined* white blouse from MM Lafleur for a while – sadly it is hopelessly stained, and they are no longer selling it in white.
Anonymous
I wear the Peggy top from MMLF under suits. Not exactly a blouse, but the knit is a nice weight – it’s opaque without being too heavy.
Panda Bear
Thanks, I’ve been thinking of trying that one.
NYC Girl
No specific suggestion, but I look for white blouses that have a same-tone pattern or texture to the fabric. Finds it hides bra better.
Jane
I’m having some existential questions and feel like a child asking these questions, but I can’t ask these to anyone IRL. PLEASE be gentle. Question about friends as adults. I moved to a new city and don’t have kids and work from home. I’m following all the usual suggestions of finding and making new friends: joining a hobby classes and all the others including recently joining an app out of desperation. My question is how do you plan for this? Dating seems to have a specific goal but friendship seems so much harder to plan, if you know what I mean… I met a few people, hung out with them, had dinner parties for them but still don’t feel they are the people I can bank on when I need something… Like they may be consider me a friend, I don’t know, they don’t seem to reciprocate the same way… but may be that’s coz they already have other closer friends. So do I keep looking for new friends or invest more time in these existing relationships? How many friends are enough? How do you know if someone is becoming a real friend in the initial stages? How would you decide if someone is an acquaintance or a friend? Is there a good book or article I can read on this? I do enjoy my own company, have lots of hobbies and I’m generally considered a very fun smart person… Just seem to not be able to get a hang of this area of my life at all!
Anonymous
If you don’t have kids and work from home, what brought you to the new city? That is probably what will help you meet more people. If not, local alumni groups are always a good launching pad when you are new. I always like pub trivia and try to latch on to a team that looks to be having fun. Tennis can be incredibly social also.
Anonymous
The reason making friends as an adult is hard is because . . . it’s hard. Keep repeating that to yourself. It’s not hard because you’re not doing it right, it’s hard because it’s hard. Your situation is compounded by being in a new city and working at home. So you don’t have any natural outlets for making friends.
My suggestion is a) don’t let this Valentine’s week get to you. There’s a huge emphasis this week on relationships and friendships, and it can do a number on someone in your situation. And b) . . . it just takes time. Friendships have to develop naturally, over time, in order to be kind where someone is really THERE for you when you need something, much less when you can tell if you’re going to be good friends or not. I don’t know any way to get around the time factor. Friendship builds over time.
It’s generally taken me 2-3 years in a new city before I begin to feel connected; your process may go more quickly. (It’s been longer for me in cities with less mobile populations — the people who live there tend to already have friends and family in place, and it’s harder to find people with time and margin to add new friendships.)
Anon
There are no easy answers or easy ways to make friends, especially in adulthood. And each friendship is different. As much as it sucks, you need to just keep putting yourself out there. Existing relationships will develop over time and new friendships will form.
After I finished law school, I moved to a city where I knew no one and, because of the recession, none of my law school friends ended up moving to the city. I made some superficial friends and a few closer friends in big law, but none of those were people I saw socially often. I continued to go to different events, but normally didn’t meet anyone. Then I lucked out by going to one event where I started talking with two women and they invited me to join them for dinner. We ended up exchanging phone numbers, they invited me to a few events and introduced me to their other friends, and now those are my closes friends years later. They even introduced me to my husband. None of that would have been possible if I wasn’t willing to go to events on my own and took them up on their random dinner invite. But I also know that it’s all luck.
Away Game
Everyone has a different threshold for how many friends they want or need, and what kinds of friends those should be. For good close friends (the ones who will bring tweezers to your bedside if you’re in a coma or bury a body with you), it takes a lot of time, sometimes years. I don’t think there is a way to know how close you’ll be in the future when you are in the initial stages. To create very close friends, I think if you click with some new acquaintances, you’ll need to continue investing in those friendships to see if a few of them shake out over the long term; many won’t. Bonus if you can be there for them in a small way if they have a crisis first, of course.
For fun friends to help fill out a bbq list or go hiking or play chess or swap fav books, those take less time and may not be the ones who bring you lasagna when you’re sick. (Although people are surprising; they just might, esp if they offer to help or you ask.) It does take a fair amount of initiative and investment. I will say that for me, I have very few truly close friends, and the ones I lean on the most emotionally do not live within 100 miles of my current town. I do have people to call if I want to hang out with or see a movie with, etc, but they aren’t necessarily close and I don’t feel the need to change that. YMMV.
Anon
I don’t think there are any answers to “how many friends are enough”. The usual answer to making good friends in adulthood is repeated consistent contact. Take on an activity that meets frequently and inherently is done for a long period of time (maybe volunteering closely with a nonprofit that has lots of women volunteer towards a big goal – like the annual gala or xyz fundraiser). Consistently invite them out and follow through with meeting them for non-activity outings – even if it’s just an after-activity coffee or drink (this is how I made friends in Zumba class).
And recognize and accept that it will take a lot longer to establish solid friendships with adults. It took three years for me to become actual independent friends with a “friend of a friend”, and took inviting her out to group outings, then graduating to inviting out to share activity, then graduating to “girlfriend dinners by ourselves” level.
Anon
(Not OP) I like the idea of volunteering for something that has a bigger goal like a gala. It makes the attendees and people you will be working with consistent. When I was in a similar situation as the OP, I tried doing a few things like going to my sorority’s alumni social gatherings or networking professional events, but the problem with those things was it felt like different people were at the different events all the time and made it really hard to feel like I was making any traction.
Rainbow Hair
I agree. Going to my club’s meetups was always fun and social, but it didn’t really build true friendships. Volunteering for leadership, offering to host a thing, organize a fundraiser, etc., etc. — that’s when I started having reasons to hang one-on-one with gals, text them, and then *poof* we are hanging out just for fun/friendship.
Anonymous
I read MWF Seeking BFF a few years ago which I found helpful. I also wanted to address a few of your questions:
– What would you like to get out of the friendships? I think that will guide a lot of your responses. Someone once told me that friendships are driven by a few factors – time (how often you see them – 1x a month or 1x a week), duration (how long you see them for – 30 minutes? an hour? vacation together), proximity, and intensity (sharing yourself with them). I have found that to be true. If you want to have a very close BFF, you need to meet all four factors.
– In terms of friends vs. acquaintances, I honestly don’t distinguish between the two. I know some people do but I just call everyone a “friend.” I think it’s normal to have friends who serve different functions in your life/have varying levels of closeness. I have work friends, gym friends, city friends who like to check out new things in our city, etc. I also have “close friends” I could just invite over to do nothing and watch Netflix with.
– I think friendship is a lot like dating, except lower stakes – I think you can give a little more time for a friendship to develop. If you like someone and want to spend more time with them, ask them to hang out again. If you are not that into someone, don’t spend more time with them.
– In terms of being able to “bank on” people, anecdotally, I just had a Very Bad Thing happen in my life. Some of the people I considered my closest friends have sort of disappeared. I’m the first person they know to have something like this happen, and I think it makes them uncomfortable and they don’t know what to do. Others, who I didn’t think I was that close to (i.e., some of my gym friends/work friends), have been unbelievably helpful and supportive and we are now much closer. All of this is to say, I think you would probably be pleasantly surprised on your ability to count on people if you needed someone (and also disappointed in some people you thought you were closer to).
– In terms of reciprocating, some people just aren’t planners. I used to worry a lot about the fact that people didn’t reciprocate on a 1:1 basis. But if I invite someone to do something, and they say yes, the yes demonstrates their interest in hanging out. People are married, have kids, have busy jobs, etc. I actually like making plans, and they don’t have a lot of bandwith, so they are often genuinely happy when I’m the one who takes the initiative to make plans to hang out.
Anon
Yeah, this is all great advice. I’d also emphasize the “I like making plans” portion – this isn’t dating, where, if they’re not asking you out, they’re not into you. In friendships it doesn’t need to be that even. I’m a planner – I like planning activities and hosting, and a lot of my friends are just…not that way, but they’re always thrilled to join in on anything I planned. It doesn’t mean they don’t like me, it just means I’m more extroverted and more of a planner (and am single, so more free time) than they are.
cbackson
I found that it took 2-3 years in a new city before I really found my people – so don’t feel discouraged if it’s not happening over night!
Anonymous
no advice but good for you! I am really impressed! About a decade ago I kind of lost all of my friends to my ex during a bad breakup and I didn’t have the energy to try and meet new people.
EM84
As an inspirational story – I moved to a different country for a job. I am an introvert, I don’t really like meeting lots of people etc and I expected this whole “making new friends as adult” to be difficult. My situation was a bit easier vs yours because I work in an actual office and I was lucky enough to have a few other expats working in the same company. With one of them, I knew I will click, but it took us a year to be really close friends (due to travel and scheduling). I have few other sourced-in-work friends, who are more of acquaintances, with whom I am fine to go out for dinner from time to time, but would not share all/we are not as close. But – by joining these acquaintances for dinner and asking them to bring their friends or husbands or whomever, you expand your circle and you will have better chances of finding new friends. Don’t give up, but maybe adjust your strategy. Meanwhile, my friend is moving to a different country, so I need to take my own advice and look for a new close friend.
Anon
Agree with all the advice above. The only thing I’ll add is, it’s incredibly hard to find someone who is a “best friend” in the sense that you feel like this person knows your flaws and still loves you and has your back. My mom always told me that a person would be lucky to have just one or two friends like that for their entire lives. So my advice is to lower your standards. So much of this is dependent on luck as well. I have lived in a new city for 3 years now and am still not absolutely involved with one particular friend group. I think making a goal of hosting and organizing something once every season is generally a good idea. But I wouldn’t beat yourself up when you feel bad about not having friends. Keep in mind that the people you see with a lot of friends often times are the ones who grew up in that city their entire lives and thus have more networks. I also know of a girl who I always thought had a lot of good friends but when she needed help with something, I was the only one who could help her. Finally, you have to be your own best friend at the end of the day, because no one else will be as good of a friend to you than yourself.
Eloise
Things don’t happen overnight, so it’s good to reach out to people consistently and see what “sticks.” Having a year- or two- long timeframe (maybe longer in your shoes, since you work from home!) to get settled in somewhere is totally normal.
Also remember that, while many people are open to building friendships, people who are more established in a city *have* fulfilling friendships and “need” them less urgently. So early on, the onus will end up on you to reach out until the friendship is solidified (fair or not). When I am settled in a city, I may like the person I met at yoga class and got coffee with once perfectly fine, but I may not think to invite her out because I have a broad range of friends. So, continue to put yourself out there and follow up! If people don’t take the initiative as often as you, it has *nothing* to do with how much they like you.
Also, I think it’s endearing (and helpful) when people in your shoes are honest. If someone straight up told me “hey, I am new to the city and need friends, can we please grab margaritas sometime?”, then I am more likely to follow up with them than if I just meet someone who seems lovely during a hobby.
anon
For the people you want to be closer with – establish a “ritual” – something low-stakes that you do together, so that you can meet often (to do the ritual) without having to think about your friendship level.
Let’s say one of your almost-friends like art (like you? whatever thing you like) – go to openings and exhibitions together. Do something often, low-stakes and enjoyable that you can talk about – a drink before the exhibtion, a talk as an intro and lunch etc, make an art friend.
One of the points of this is to spend harmless time together. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend friend – it’s an art friend! And then familiarity breeds closeness. But you need a lot of hours to make the intimacy. And it’s a lot easier if it’s no pressure, low stakes and not a dinner party. It’s great that you throw dinner parties, but I think you’d be better off spending more time in smaller units.
Parfait
I can’t really add to the suggestions made by others, but I will tell you this: once you make one good friend, the others will follow quickly as you start getting invited to movie outings, brunches, etc with her and her other friends. It snowballs.
Ponte sheath dresses
Any good places to look for ponte sheath dresses that won’t pill quickly?
Boden doesn’t work for my shape.
Anonymous
I’ve had good luck with dresses from Of Mercer.
Anonymous
I like Eliza J at Nordstrom. Several different styles, but the fabric seems decent.
Anon
Lands End
HW
I really like this skirt, and just went down a Talbots rabbit hole. Are any pears out there able to fit into their pencil skirts?
Anon
I have generous hips, and their skirts fit me. If I have any trouble with fit, it’s in the waist, not the hips.
HW
Thanks!
Anonymous
No, not at all. I have too much weight in my thighs.
MagicUnicorn
The waist needs taken in even on the curvy cut in order to fit me and while I find the fabric decent, the construction itself is kind of chintzy. I bought several skirts a few seasons ago and was disappointed to find that there is no real waist facing, just a grosgrain ribbon sewn on the inside with no topstitching to hold anything in place. This lack of structure in the waist sewing means the heavier exterior fabric pulls in such a way that the waist sort of rolls itself inside out so that grosgrain ribbon is visible and the lining crawls upwards. I would buy a pattern I love if it were on sale and factor tailoring costs into the final price, but I wouldn’t pay full price.
So Anon
Headed to NYC this weekend with my kids, one of whom has Celiac’s, so we all eat GF. Any recommendations for great bakeries, bagels, pasta, pizza that are Celiac friendly? (I’ve done research on find me gf, but I also love recommendations.) We are staying in midtown. Thank you!!
Telco Lady JD
Celiac here… Posh Pop Bake Shop. It’s WONDERFUL!
NY CPA
Bistango is an Italian restaurant and they have pizza (although it’s definitely a sit-down place, not a pizzeria). I went there with my aunt who has Celiac’s and I believe they said that everything on the menu can be made to accommodate GF.
Anonymous
yes, correct re bistango. good for the gluten eater’s as well.
NYC Girl
GF Pizza: A lot offer it but it isn’t always fantastic. My favorites are Sauce (cauliflower crust is ahhhmazing) and Keste; Eatily offers a low-gluten crust (there’s cross contamination) but likely not ok for Celiac
Pasta: Most restaurants will offer GF pasta (you can check the menu or call ahead);
100% GF Restaurants: heard good things about Rissoteria Melotti, Little Beet Table is also 100% GF (can attest it’s delicious)
Bagels: So hard to come by! I haven’t found any!
Bakeries: Macaron Cafe and Laduree (macarons, naturally gluten free), Baked by Melissa (mini cupcakes), Milk Bar (some GF options), Erin McKenna’s Bakery
Mac and Cheese: S’Mac
Generally most restaurants in NYC are very accommodating for gluten free! Enjoy!
NYC Girl
Also forgot to mention Friedman’s! They have GF fried chicken and waffles… (need I say more)
They have a location in midtown – can make nearly any menu item GF. Owner’s daughter has Celiac, so they take cross-contamination (and flavor) pretty seriously.
CapHillAnon
Seconding the rec for Bistango! Know that there are two locations in Manhattan. The one in the Kimberly Hotel is fancier (and better, I think) and It also has a mesmerizing huge salt water aquarium, which my children have *loved*. We’ve also had impressive gluten free meals at Risotteria (everything is gf, including the bread before the meal and the desserts). And if you’re anywhere near the LES, hit up Baby Cakes for 6 different flavors of gf doughnuts, plus eclairs, tea cakes, cookies, etc. I found myself there last weekend and may have overdone it….
Anonymous
Indian food.
ON Running Cloud Shoes
Does anyone have these shoes for running or lifestyle? I am looking at the Cloud Terry for just a knock around shoe. Thanks!
emeralds
I’m having a couple of girlfriends over for dinner next week and I’m feeling very uninspired about menu options–my go-to is a fancy pasta but I made that the last time these gals came over and I want to change it up! No pork and no shellfish (which also knocks out one of my other go-to Fancy Items, which is shrimp-based). My cooking style usually leans towards Mediterranean.
Would also love some recs for easy non-alcoholic cocktail-type things that feel a little fancier than La Croix.
NOLA
Chicken piccata with brown rice and veggies? I also have a recipe for a really good baked chicken dish with a parmesan spinach on top that you serve over linguini. You could also grill fish (depending on whether and if you have a gas grill) and squash. That was one of our favorite cook-at-home meals lately.
How about something like grapefruit juice with grapefruit La Croix and a lime wedge?
emeralds
Ooh, chicken piccata made me think about chicken cacciatore or chicken braised with tomatoes and white beans and rosemary…I haven’t made either in a while but both could work.
Will also meditate on some fish options. Wasn’t thinking about that because my brain coded shellfish as seafood but duh, she can definitely eat fish.
NOLA
We had awesome grilled snapper with grilled zucchini and yellow squash! Really simply prepared but delicious.
Anonymous
For this time of year, I like to make chili (either beef or chicken), and be generous with having rice, cheese, and chips as sides, bases, and toppings.
emeralds
Ha, great minds…this is exactly what I did for the folks we had over for dinner on Saturday :) I did a veggie chili (since we had a couple of vegetarians) and shredded chicken as a topper for those who wanted it, plus cornbread, cheese, chips, etc.
Anonymous
On the drinks side, I recommend making a shrub – which is like very thin fruit and herb syrup that you mix with vinegar (usually apple cider vinegar) and then add to seltzer water to your preferred taste. I’ve made blueberry sage, peach basil, raspberry thyme, cranberry with I think rosemary? With this drink, you could also make a fun garnish to make it more special (blue berries on a rosemary sprig, for example). I’d make maybe two options, then set up a DIY space on the counter with glasses, the garnish, the two shrub options, and seltzer water so that people can mix to their taste.
I made these all the time when I was pregnant – it was the only mocktail I found that wasn’t overly sweet.
emeralds
Oh, this is intriguing! I’ve had cocktails with shrubs before, it just never occurred to me to make one myself. I do actually have a bottle of apple cider vinegar sitting around that needs to get used up so this could be perfect.
AnonInfinity
I’m not sure where you’re located, but there’s a company in some markets called Pink House Alchemy that makes fantastic shrubs if you don’t want to make it yourself!
The original Scarlett
I was going to suggest this too! So easy to make, refreshing and not overly sweet
pugsnbourbon
A new bar in my neighborhood does a cocktail with rum + this Jamaican grapefruit soda called Ting. The Ting alone is delicious – not too sweet but not too bitter. It’s definitely a traditional soft drink with a lot of sugar, though, if that’s an issue.
emeralds
Thanks! Will see if this is available at my grocery store–sounds like something my husband would enjoy trying, actually.
anon
similar vein, ginger beer is like ginger ale (still a soda calorie-wise), but way more sharp and gingery and interesting to drink. Bundaberg is the biggest brand, but more and more supermarkets have an option.
rosie
I had a mocktail with Seedlip (it was like a Moscow Mule-type thing) and would recommend checking it out if that appeals. I’m sure they have recipes on their website if you can find the spirits in a local store.
Anon 2.0
So it’s still La Croix but I love mixing a splash of pomegranate juice into key lime La Croix. It’s delicious and dresses up a can of La Croix a bit.
Senior Attorney
I always feel like you can’t go wrong with a delicious roasted chicken. If you want to get fancy, try the Zuni Cafe roast chicken and bread salad: https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/roast-chicken-bread-salad
Anonymous
I’d browse half naked harvest, so many simple options that could be served as fancy.
What about a nonalcoholic mojito or ginger ale with a plum syrup in a fancy glass.
Anonymous
I’ve dropped alcohol about 6 months ago, and have been enjoying these two:
– ginger beer with lime over ice (a virgin moscow mule)
– muddled cucumbers & basil toped up either with sprite, soda or ginger beer (a virgin cucumber smash)
Anonymous
Around this time of year, I feel like you can’t go wrong with mulled cider, especially if you have a slow cooker! Or spiced pomegranate cider if you wanna be extra fancy.
Anon
Whole Foods has lavender buds in the spice section. You can infuse a simple syrup with it and then mix it with other stuff, like blueberries and put in lemonade or iced tea. The lavender isn’t overwhelming and tastes lovely, kind of an unusual taste that makes it seem special.
Cal
Roast veggies are a go to for me, with a grilled main. Butternut squash, potatoes, carrots, and broccoli are all in season where I’m at right now but pretty much anything can be tossed in the oven with olive oil and light seasoning an come out nice. You mentioned mediterranean style which makes me jump to tabbouleh or bulgur salad as faves.
emeralds
Thanks y’all!
Anon
Mini rant: it’s driving me nuts how every single article I’ve read this morning is ready to declare Sanders as the nominee, stating how the establishment is losing, etc.
In New Hampshire , Sanders and Buttigieg split delegates after Sanders won by only 1.5%. Such a close race in what was supposed to be a blow out state for Sanders almost reads like a loss. Buttigieg has one more overall delegate than Sanders. It’s anyones race but I feel like the media is almost parroting the Bernie Bro rhetoric (which I cannot stand – in my mind Bernie Bros are no better than Trump supporters)
I think this is actually super harmful to the party (with the caveat that I’ve been pro-Buttigieg since the beginning and that I think a Sanders nomination would all but secure a Trump second term)
Anon
Mini rant: it’s driving me nuts how every single article I’ve read this morning is ready to declare Sanders as the nominee, stating how the establishment is losing, etc.
In New Hampshire , Sanders and Buttigieg split delegates after Sanders won by only 1.5%. Such a close race in what was supposed to be a blow out state for Sanders almost reads like a loss. Buttigieg has one more overall delegate than Sanders. It’s anyones race but I feel like the media is almost parroting the Bernie Bro rhetoric (which I cannot stand – in my mind Bernie Bros are no better than Trump supporters)
I think this is actually super harmful to the party (with the caveat that I’ve been pro-Buttigieg since the beginning and that I think a Sanders nomination would all but secure a Trump second term)
Anon
OP here: a few things
1) I would never ever vote Trump so not sure why you’re implying that. If it (god forbid) comes down to Trump vs Bernie of course I will vote Bernie
2) my issues with Bernie are policy based. I think a lot of his proposals are outlandish and would never fly. I absolutely think the system is broken (health care, college tuition, etc) but I do not believe in the least that his solutions are feasible.
3) I also do not at all think Bernie is electable in a general election. Too many moderates and even many democrats are turned off by his policies. I also think his age is a concern. Does he have 8 good years left?
4) His supporters absolutely are different than Trump supporters, but their tactics are the same. I’m not saying the free college supporters are supporting any p*ssy grabbing but they both use scorched earth tactics and throw out wild accusations that bend the truth against rivals. They both put individual success over the good of the country. They both have platforms that aren’t representative of the majority of their party. They both won’t compromise. They both have unfounded purity tests.
I wasn’t trying to turn this into an anti Bernie rant or a Bernie v Trump discussion – we had that here last week. I was just making an observation that the media is infatuated with Bernie and acting like he is already the candidate when Pete has more delegates
anony
I agree that Bernie is old, just had a freaking heart attack, and this is not desirable AT ALL. I would love a good candidate that has a high likelihood of at least being alive and healthy for the next 8 years.
But you do realize that more extreme policies like free college and Medicare for all are symbolic ideas that he is promoting, right? Like there is no way this will actually happen, particularly considering the direction of Congress, but chances are good that simply bringing up these ideas has changed the atmosphere, gotten the conversation going, and change will happen with smaller steps. Compromise will happen.
I’m a doctor and totally agree our healthcare system is a disaster and we absolutely need a Universal plan. I laugh when Bernie advocates Medicare for all, as Bernie doesn’t really understand the details of Medicare …. he has never and will never be on it! He has his cushy Federal healthcare plan. Medicare for all means that all of the politicians will need to give that up… and they absolutely don’t want to.
It is amazing that despite the problems with Obamacare, it has totally shifted the way we talk about health insurance. Now it is practically a given that mental health must be covered similar to other health problems, for example. Even Medicare discriminated against mental health coverage just 10 years ago!!! The tide is really turning folks… the transition years are just painful. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
OP – aYou sound pretty anxious though, and are not being fair when you suggest Trump and Bernie supporters are using similar tactics. While I agree that Democrats often tend towards hyperbole just as Republicans (who seem to be much more comfortable with outright lies), that really isn’t fair… don’t you think?
Anon
There’s absolutely no doubt that Bernie Sanders is responsible for shifting the norms on the health care question. Whether or not you support Medicare for All, it’s his campaign (and Warren’s to some extent) that have every single Democratic candidate at least supporting a public option. I am ALL FOR THAT. We need bold ideas and progressive vision to enact real change (which this country desperately needs), not solid administrators like Buttigieg or Klobuchar who can tinker around the margins of a broken system and never propose original ideas for fixing it. There’s a role for moderates and a role for progressives.
What it comes down to for me though is that I will vote for a pile of hot garbage over Trump. l’ll support my preferred candidates in the primaries, but you better believe I will be sending postcards and knocking on doors when it’s time to campaign for the general, no matter who the Democratic candidate is and how far they might be from my perfect, idealized goals.
anon
yeah, I would add that although I agree that some of the end-capitalism ideas thrown out by Bernie/Warren are utopian (but some are really thought through, as they both have a ton of experience) and more radical than what I would go for, I think it’s extremely important that radical left ideas are discussed and getting airtime. Over the last 20 years, the republican party has moved ever further right on so many issues. Meanwhile, many democrats think that finally, the republicans are far enough to the right that toeing a moderate line will attract enough voters to win an election. As a short-term strategy that surely has merit, but in the long run, it just means the country as a whole is shifting right. I feel that the more out there ideas on the left spectrum are a necessary counterweight to keep everything balanced.
LaurenB
Anon at 10:44 – wow, what an unfounded attack. One can have concerns re Sanders’ policies, and/or Sanders’ ability to beat Trump, but also be fully committed to voting Sanders (or whoever is the Dem candidate). It is annoying, however, how you don’t hear Sanders supporters saying, “If Biden / Buttigieg / Klobuchar is the Dem candidate, I’ll for sure vote for them.” The moderate supporters seem to support the (hypothetical) progressive nominees far more than the progressive supporters seem to support the (hypothetical) moderate nominees.
Anon
I’m a Warren and then Sanders supporter (previous Sanders supporter) and I will absolutely, 100% vote for whoever is not Trump in the fall. Everyone I know (as long as we’re relying on anecdata) is doing the same. The only people I see who are saying anything else are “never Bernie” people on this site.
anon
Yep, same here.
Anonymous
are you reading this site? NO one here is saying they won’t vote for Bernie if he’s the nominee, they are saying they suspect many people who voted Obama in 2012, then Trump in 2016 will not switch away from Trump to vote for Bernie in 2020. I’ve seen zero polls indicating that Trump voters in 2016 are willing to consider Sanders.
There are however, plenty of comments on this site and many others where people say they support Bernie but won’t vote for Bloomberg or Biden. I like neither Bloomberg or Biden and I hate cats but I’d vote for a cat if it was the nominee against Trump. Anybody but Trump.
Anonymous
I recently saw polling data that showed that significant percentages of Yang and Sanders supporters were not committed to voting for whoever the Democratic candidate is in November. Far more of the other candidates’ supporters were “any Dem.”
anon
I thought Bernie had (finally) committed that he will support any dem candidate? Like, last week I read a quote I thought?
Anonymous
Bloomberg is going all in on the Carolinas, from local media buys. And he can stay in as long as he wants. I guess he’s “I’ll see you a mayor and I’ll raise.” Not sure that BBG can win, but I’d not be happy as an American to see the race wind up being two billionaires from the same zip code in NYC. 250 million people and this is what we get?!
anon
To quote Bloomberg, “Who’s the other billionaire?” LOL
PolyD
That’s very funny.
emeralds
+1, I snorted out loud in my office.
Anon
Ha! He has some good points.
Anon
Trump’s already got the second term sewed up unless Bloomberg is the dem nominee
Anon
This. I’ve been saying, 4 more years unless BBG can pull a rabbit out of a hat which would be one heck of a magic trick.
Anon
That is literally not true. Bloomberg is a nobody and the youth don’t care about him. Ignore Bernie all you want.
Anon
Youth don’t matter. Hate to break it to you. What you need is the middle aged people in the rust belt states that need to be flipped back like Pa., Ohio, Wisc, Mich. etc. Guess what — they aren’t voting Bernie. If the option is Bernie v. Trump, they’ll vote Trump; they don’t dislike Trump THAT much – -they aren’t THAT bothered by policies at the border, impeachment etc. that they’d vote socialist. If the option is a moderate like Bloomberg v. Trump — they could go BBG depending on how Trump’s trade war etc. has affected their lives, how sick they are of DJT drama etc.
Youth OTOH don’t matter despite their huge numbers, but they will hold their nose and vote Dem bc they are so against Trump; sure they’ll complain if it’s BBG bc they’re anti-wealth and won’t get their free stuff, but there aren’t actually THAT many Bernie bros who are willing to burn it down and not vote/vote Trump out of spite etc. because they saw last time how that works out.
anon
Youth matter in terms of voter turnout. The voting rate for 18-29 year olds has been over 50% just twice since 1980–1992 and 2008. If 18-29 year olds are unhappy with the candidate, they won’t necessarily hold their nose and vote Dem. They’ll hold their nose and make meaningless social media posts about why they’re not voting, and Trump will win again.
You need the middle aged people in the rust belt, but you also need the 18-29 year olds in those states. And Florida.
LaurenB
You say that but many of those rust-belt folks were Obama in 2012 and Trump in 2016, so they *can* be flipped.
Anonymous
This. Trump scares those voters less than a ‘socialist’. They aren’t personally worse off under Trump. If Bernie is the candidate, they will either stay home or vote Trump. Swing voters don’t swing from the far right to the far left.
Anonymous
Newsflash – youth don’t vote. Trump has the election sewn up if Bernie wins.
Anon
Newsflash – youth don’t vote for boring millionaires. They’ll vote for Bernie though. It’s the boomers who need to get with the program.
Anonymous
I’m 27 not 57. The youth didn’t vote for him in 2016 and they won’t vote for him now.
Anonymous
Newsflash- anyone who pretends to know with any certainty how this will play out is kidding themselves. Really. Trump is the president. I’m happy to hear speculation but there’s no need for condescension.
Anon
I am a youth, I vote, I will vote against Trump, I will absolutely not vote for Bloomberg.
Anonymous
Anons like 12:52 are why we have Trump now and why we’ll have Trump for 4 more years.
anonchicago
What news sources are reporting this? It’s not what I’m seeing at all; if anything they’re calling out Bernie’s weak showing in comparison to his 20 point victory spread in 2016.
If you add up the votes for Bernie + Warren to the votes for Buttigieg, Klobuchar, and Biden, the latter is much farther ahead which is positive news to me as a moderate. Now just need to get them to coalesce into 1 candidate to win the election.
Anon
I’m seeing some “ignore Bernie at your peril” articles, but I’m mostly seeing them call his victory in NH “narrow” when they didn’t use that language on the effective tie in Iowa. There, it was all “Buttigieg the victor” despite Sanders being behind by 1/10th of a percentage point and the extreme sh*tshow that took place.
Jeffiner
Haha, the Bernie Bros in my FB feed are complaining how all the articles are talking about Amy’s momentum or Pete’s delegates and not giving Bernie a victory lap. They’re also spouting conspiracy theory nonsense about Pete stealing Iowa, and saying that if Bernie isn’t the nom they will vote D but not campaign for the candidate. These are real people that I know, not online mythical stereotypes. I want to throttle them. Bernie isn’t my first choice, but even if my last choice wins the nom I will be out knocking on doors. This is far too important to lose.
Anonymous
KLOmentum
Angela
+1 to your first sentence. It’s like how fans of both teams in any given game think the refs are biased against their team. People who support X candidate think the coverage of that candidate is biased/unfair.
anon
Any article/political commentator who tries to call this election before we see how Nevada and S. Carolina vote is kidding themselves, but I honestly haven’t seen that. At most, I’ve seen articles talking about how Bernie has really taken a commanding lead in the far-left lane and how the large number of candidates still in play in the moderate lane makes Bernie’s chances better to go into the convention with a plurality if not a majority.
Anonymous
This. The moderate field needs to narrow and soon.
Anon
Yes, yes, yes. We need to these low-to-middle-of-the-pack candidates to either stop being so selfish and/or get real about their chances and drop out. I’m tired of hearing that “Klobuchar has momentum” when poll numbers make it clear she has no chance of being the nominee. There are three or four people at this point who are just diluting the race, diluting the fundraising and it needs to stop. Follow Yang’s lead and drop out already.
As for Bernie – I’m sorry but he is too old and the recent heart attack gives me more pause than his policy positions. It will only work for him to get the nomination if he chooses a much younger, stronger VP because let’s face it – his VP probably will end up either actually being president when he drops dead on the job, or the VP will end up doing a lot of the work. Honestly I’m hoping Bernie has another (nonfatal) heart attack and has to quit the race for health reasons.
Anon
Wow, I don’t say this lightly, but you’re a horrible person to wish a heart attack on someone like that. That’s cold and sociopathic af.
Anonymous
WTH is wrong with you?? I’m no fan of Bernie at all and won’t vote for him but he’s a person. I don’t wish him heart problems or any type of illness. And I say the same re DJT in an office where the younger folks wish him health problems. Again no fan of DJT, won’t vote for him but no I don’t wish him health problems.
Do you have any kind of faith? Do you believe in karma? Are you invincible? How would you like it if every time people didn’t like you, they wished you had heart problems?
Anon
It’s not fair (and honestly kind of sexist IMO) to say Klobuchar should drop out but Pete should stay in. She finished very close to him in NH and neither of them is currently polling as well as Biden with minority voters. I don’t get why he’s suddenly the designated “moderate choice” – he barely edged out in Amy in NH and may finish behind Biden in SC. I don’t like Bernie either, and I wish it were Bernie vs one moderate because polls suggest the moderate would win solidly. But I think it’s unfair to just expect every non-Pete moderate to fold, when he’s so inexperienced and hasn’t won a commanding lead over the moderate field. I also don’t feel like it’s selfish for Warren to stay in the race – lots of leftists strongly prefer her to Bernie.
Ellen
I do not prognosticate election results, but agree that no one should be excluded from the primaries, even if they won’t eventually win — b/c only one will. Therefore, let Sanders and Kolubachar stay in with Butigjudeay and Warren, and Yang and Bloomberg too. Why not have them all in there to see who wins? I say YES!
Anonymous
Bernie may tip the house back to R; senate is already R. If Bernie somehow wins, I predict a total deadlock for 4 years, which makes me less worried about a Bernie win. Socialism dies with an R Senate.
Anonymous
Bernie hasn’t gotten anything substantive done the entire time he’s been in Congress. He won’t get anything done as Prez regardless of who has the House and Senate.
At best, he’s not Trump and they’ll be another election in 2024 when we can try to recover from this disaster of a decade.
Anon
If he somehow wins in 2020 and is still alive in 2024, I’m sure he’ll run for re-election. At this point I’m just hoping that he picks a younger, more moderate, female Veep (I would love Klobuchar but there are obviously plenty of other qualified women who fit that description) and that person can be president in 2028.
Anonymous
Has anyone done anything green with 10-15 year old bridesmaids dresses? The prom resale stores near me explicitly say they won’t take bridesmaids dresses.
Anon
No, these are trash
Anonymous
Agreed.
Cb
I’d just put it on freecycle or a buy nothing group. I’ve gotten rid of so much random stuff this way.
Anon
+1 I haven’t tried old bridesmaid dresses, but I am consistently shocked by what people want to take of mine on our local buy nothing group. Certainly worth a try.
Anon
Are they truly bridesmaid brands? Otherwise, how would they necessarily know? But in answer to your question, my city has several organizations that provide free prom/homecoming dresses to young ladies (many in foster care) who cannot afford to buy them. I think “Cinderella’s Closet” is the going term for this.
Anon
Honestly, if it’s passable as a standard formal wear dress, just don’t tell them it was a bridesmaid dress – how will they know? They are pretty much the same thing. Even David’s Bridal sells prom dresses.
Anon
Do you have friends with kids or a daycare with a dress-up box? Other than that, a high school/community theatre is about the only other place I can think of who might want them.
Anonymous
I feel like people are so crafty these days and have seen so much Project Runway that my kids would try to make something out of that. It might not work, but it would be fun on a rainy day + some supplies from JoAnn or Michael’s.
Anon
15 years ago, bridesmaid dresses all had bridal buttons down the back, and therefore, really could not do double duty as a prom or formal dress. If that’s the case, try to determine if the dresses can be re-done to be less bridesmaid-y.
Anonymous
What are bridal buttons? I got married 15 years ago and have no idea what this means?
HFB
What are bridal buttons?
Anon
Yeah, sorry I was in a ton of wedding 10-15 years ago and this does not ring a bell at all.
Anon
Same, I got married and was a bridesmaid a couple times ~12-15 years ago and have no idea what bridal buttons are.
Mallory
You can donate dresses to Becca’s closet – they give free formal dresses to high school students for dances.
Anonymous
Not sure about bridesmaid dresses, but I just sold all my old prom dresses on Poshmark. I used keywords like 90’s, retro and vintage and they all sold for ~$40-50.
Clementine
Donated to my local high school’s drama department.
Clementine
(And as someone who used to help pull together our costumes… solid colored floor length gowns that we didn’t need to give back were GOLD.)
Anonymous
This is what I came to suggest as well. Local theater companies, school programs, and camps often accept clothing donations to use as costumes.
Anonymous
Our local high school runs a prom bank for dresses for people that can’t afford them. They take all kinds of semiformal and formal wear as the other local schools have a variety of semiformal and formal dances in addition to prom. Apparently early 1990s dresses are very ‘in’ at the moment. There might be something similar in your area.
Apartment Furnishings
Vicarious Shopping Help / Talk me into or out of furniture please!
I have a $3k~4k budget for furnishing a 600 sq ft, 1 bedroom convertible apartment. I’ve fallen hard for Article furniture and lined up the following items — but I am prone to fit things out like a dorm room (my last apartment on the other side of the country had 12 pieces of variously shaded oak / white furniture, if that gives you an idea). I picked out the following selection — I’ll have a week or two to get set up. The place has ample built-in closets and drawers, so I’m trying to minimize buying storage. Thoughts, alternatives, comments appreciated!
– King mattress and mattress box (Costco): $700 after discounts.
I’ve never had headboards or bed frames. Are they worth the hype? The bedroom will fit the King mattress and two small nightstands, and maybe a dresser / bookcase, but not much else.
– Article Sven fabric 2.5 seater 72″ sofa: $900 (https://www.article.com/product/3242/sven-briar-gray-72-sofa)
I really wanted a sectional for entertaining / lounging, but am worried that it a waste of space / budget? Sectional version is 100″ wide (which will take up 2/3 of the living room wall) and $2000 so probably out of budget (https://www.article.com/product/3226/sven-birch-ivory-right-sectional-sofa) … or do smaller and cheaper sectionals exist?
– Article marble cafe table: $400 (https://www.article.com/product/3675/vena-walnut-cafe-table)
There is a Square vs Circle cafe table — I’m leaning towards the square unless there is a reason to prefer a round top? I’m hoping to use it as an everyday desk too, unless that’s a terrible idea for a marble top.
– Article blue fabric dining chairs: $130 x 2 (https://www.article.com/product/12841/nosh-denim-blue-walnut-dining-chair)
Do I need more than 2 dining chairs? I can probably squeeze in 3 or 4 if I use them as accent chairs for the living room. I sometimes have friends over (usually 3 or 4) for dinner. Also, I love the look of Room & Board Wolfgang dining chairs (Blue & black, https://www.roomandboard.com/catalog/dining-and-kitchen/chairs/wolfgang-chair-in-fabric) but they are a bit out of my price range if I’m getting four chairs ($280 per chair).
– West Elm side tables: I’m eyeing these two ($112 and $63 respectively) and might get both, instead of a bigger coffee table
https://www.westelm.com/products/cosmo-side-table-antique-brass-h4029/ (in brass)
https://www.westelm.com/products/mitzi-side-table-h4931/?pkey=cend-side-tables&isx=0.0.5800 (in petrol blue)
– Ikea HEMNES Bedside Tables ($99 each): https://www.ikea.com/au/en/catalog/products/50354089/ (in Black)
– Article Walnut Wooden Shelving unit ($599): https://www.article.com/product/1239/lignum-walnut-shelving-unit
Not sure how functional the last one would be, but I love how it looks! Wish the thicker shelf doubled as a desk, though.
Anon
I am team Queen Bed. A king takes up a ton of real estate and is a pain in the butt to make up yourself (and don’t get me started on king pillows/pillowcases).
Ribena
I have the Ikea Friheten sofabed which is L-shaped (we don’t really use the term sectional here but I think that’s what you’re getting at?). I don’t love the design in its own right but it fades into the background and I keep lots of cushions and blankets on it. I think I’ve had 5 people squeeze onto it before.
Mallory
I think a bed frame is definitely worth it – even a cheap one. Keeps the mattress of the floor, provides underbed storage, and reads more ‘adult.’ Look here for some quality options that aren’t expensive: https://thewirecutter.com/reviews/best-platform-bed-frames-under-300/
Sectional issue – one alternative is to get a regular sofa plus an ottoman for when you want to lounge – more flexible with small spaces.
My two cents on the dining table situation – its sometime easier to squeeze more folks around a round table than a square one, if you need to. However, if you don’t ever plan on having more than four sit at it, it’s probably not too important.
Have fun outfitting your new place!
NYC Girl
+1 – For my first apartment I got an inexpensive metal platform bed frame (only had a mattress – no need for boxspring) from Amazon that was high enough so I could fit my suitcases under the bed. Def recommend maximizing underbed storage in 600 sq ft apartment.
Anon
My advice would be to not buy it all at once. Live there for a while and see what’s really going to fit best and work for you best.
Jules
I agree on many of these points. Yes to a queen size bed, unless you or your partner is super-tall. (The small house I bought had a king bed in the bedroom when I looked at it and it took up so much space; my queen is a much better fit.) You absoultely want a bedframe, and one that has built in storage or allows you to slide things under the bed is best. A headboard will dress things up and make the space look more polished.
I also agree on waiting a bit to buy everything.
Regarding dining chairs, you’ll want more than two chairs that can sit at the table, but they don’t have to be matching dining chairs if you can use accent chairs that will fit under the table. The Room and Board and Article ones you like are nice, but you might be able to find something similar at better prices at Overstock or Wayfair.
If you think you will have more than four people at the table, go for the round one. I have this one, in black, and use it in a nook space, for dining and as a desk; it’s great, and either or both of the side panels can be put down to take up less space when not in use.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00TV4786U/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I’d also think about area rugs to pull it all together. I’ve had really good luck with rugs from Overstock.
And have fun with your decorating!
Shopaholic
I am having some friends over this weekend and am trying to figure out food. Any ideas for easy and heavy appetizers? I prefer grazing all night than a big meal, as do most of my friends that are coming over. Ideally some that are gluten free and/or dairy free. I have some dietary restrictions as does one friend coming over, but everyone else is easy. I’m just trying to make sure there are not too many things I can’t eat.
TIA!
Telco Lady JD
I like to put chili in the crockpot and then have tortilla chips and a bunch of toppings (salsa, guacamole, queso, onions, olives, etc.). People can eat a bowl of chili if they want, or they can make nachos. You can do the whole thing gluten free, and people who need to be dairy free can skip the queso and just have chips and guac!
Anon
Are you sure everyone wants to graze rather than eat a meal? You know your friends best but if you’re going to do a grazing menu, have some heavier things (or at least 1 such thing) so people can make a meal of it if they want. Like order a few pizzas (won’t work for the gf/df friends) or have sliders or make your own tacos or pasta salad or roast beef that can be cut up into sandwiches. I feel like people (always women) will say — oh no one wants a heavy meal, snacks are soooo much better. But then I end up filling up on spinach dip, tortilla chips, and cupcakes and end up feeling gross — and would have just felt better if I had just eaten that “heavy meal” consisting of 2 slices of pizza or a burger or a serving of pasta.
Anonymous
Corn tortilla chips and guac
Wings or ribs or skewers of some sort (no sauce, maybe sauces on the side?)
Mushrooms stuffed with sausage and diced bell peppers – maybe a couple other variations
Shrimp c*cktail
Mixed nuts, or maybe some marcona almonds
PolyD
Deviled eggs!
Bowls of olives!
Some really good bread – baguettes or other types you can tear apart easily. Maybe with some (softened!) herbed butter spreads?
Opulent cheese board with several types of cheese, cured meats, maybe some dried figs or dates?
And I guess a platter of veggies (carrots, celery, maybe some jicama or endive to be different) with a nice dip, if you want to be a little healthy.
I personally would love a grazing type of party, as long as there are plenty of savory things that have some fat and protein to them.
Senior Attorney
Here are some of my favorite heavy appetizers:
Mini spaghetti and meatballs: https://prettyprovidence.com/meatball-appetizers/#wprm-recipe-container-23761
Mini crockpot meatballs (old fashioned but people LOVE them): https://www.culinaryhill.com/crockpot-meatballs-with-grape-jelly-sauce/
Martha Stewart shrimp relish tray (don’t skip the celery planks — they make the dish): https://www.marthastewart.com/1522035/quick-shrimp-relish-tray
Yucca fries with cilantro mayonnaise (SO DELISH!!): https://www.recipegirl.com/yucca-fries-with-cilantro-mayonnaise/
Easy herby goat cheese balls: https://whatsgabycooking.com/herbed-goat-cheese-balls/
Anonymous
I’d have chili going on my slow cooker, plus a charcuterie board and crudites, maybe a plate of hot honey wings if I’m feeling saucy.
Senior Attorney
I have a reply in mod with some recipes so check back and hopefully it will show up!
Shopaholic
thanks all!
It’s a sports-centered party but I’m feeling fancy so wanted to have some delicious apps. These ideas all sound amazing
Anon
If you (or any of your friends/family) bought/started small businesses that are capital intensive, what were some lending sources that they used? I have an interest in an industry like construction or trucking, where there is a LOT of equipment; I’d buy an existing business from someone retiring rather than starting from scratch. But that kind of business with it’s associated real estate and equipment can be nearing or upwards of $1mil depending on the size of the business.
I was looking at Amex Small Business loans and it seems like many of their programs offer more like 100k-200k max, so they’re more geared towards starting your own law firm or consulting business or something where the capital is mainly you and your brain power and you need a few laptops, phone lines, and a rental office or pay monthly for a WeWork kind of space. Or I guess that could be enough to start a small retail shop in places that aren’t NYC or SF. Is this where people turn to Small Business Administration which seems like it offers loans more in the 300k-3mil areas — or am I missing some other obvious source?
This isn’t necessarily a NOW plan, but more and more it’s looking like what my exit from law will be in the next 2-4 years so I feel like I need to start getting the money part of it researched and lined up if it can even be a possibility.
Anon
If you’re buying the business as a going concern, I’m sure the business has an open credit line, or at least a history with a lender, that you can piggy back off of. In the meantime, start researching hard money loans and any woman-owned businesses and women focused or construction focused chambers of commerce in your area.
a thought
Have you thought about getting an SBA loan? I know nothing about them, but whenever I read articles on a local business website about new ventures, they often mention that the business is being funded by an SBA loan, and the loan amounts always seem really high to me (six to seven figures).
Anon
I previously posted asking about opening a small business with intensive real estate needs ($$$) and was told to head to my local SBA women’s office. I was…not impressed. Our conversation basically went like this: “Oh, you already have a business plan?! [Yes, I emailed it to you in advance, but here’s another copy.] Wow! Yep, if you’ve already thought through this, go talk to a bank. Only they can tell you if you’ll get financing.” Um, thanks.
FWIW, I’m in DC, and maybe your women’s office would be more helpful. It seemed like the DC office was best prepared to act as cheerleaders for women who had a vague notion that they might like to maybe do something, not advise women who knew what they wanted and were seeking advice on how to get there. Still, I guess it was nice to hear that I’m on the ball?
I’m holding it in my back pocket still – I’ve got a couple more years before I’m ready to start making formal financing inquiries. My plan is to pitch my business to the small local bank (very well capitalized, but only 9 branches, so hyper-local) about how my business can build up the community, yadda yadda. An SBA loan through them or one of the larger regional banks is really my only chance; I’m not independently wealthy and don’t have the upfront cash to make this work otherwise.
HFB
I know someone who bought a small business from someone who was retiring and the seller basically agreed to let him pay it off over the course of 3years from business earnings. It helps that seller was familiar with buyers work and felt confident buyer would be able to run the business successfully. So I’d start getting out there and making yourself a known quantity in the industry you want to buy into.
Shananana
So, slightly different but I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of opening a restaurant with my brother. Which, we did for around 300k including 1st year operating costs while getting clientele built up as fixed costs like rent and utilities are no joke regardless of how good you track food and labor costs.
My lesson on SBA loans is that they take a long time and require a lot of collateral. We went down that route for nearly 5 months before finding an investor and even at the point we had reached a point where we had collateral on the table of 100% of the value of the loan we were asking for (in the form of land, personal holdings, and equipment) and were still being asked for more. I will say that having investors is how I have come to realize most companies are opening. Honestly the whole process has taught me more about the power of generational wealth (which we definitely didn’t have) than any class ever could.
For something like equipment, in most cases if the owner has solid credit, that is mostly being sold on credit. That said, as an owner my credit has taken a solid hit in the last year as since it is a new business my credit is the only thing most of them care about. In theory, as the business gets some years behind it that will start to shift. Since you are looking at existing businesses that changes some of the math, but not all. We started down this path looking at buying an existing open restaurant and found it to be not much easier on the funding front.
Also an option to consider is finding someone looking to retire who would be open to a payment plan arrangement rather than a lump sum. I have seen this work well for smaller businesses that would be hard to raise the capital for the right person to take it over.
Anonymous
Valentine’s Second Date? I’m going on a second date on Friday, which happens to be Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t planned, just the only date we both are free until the next weekend. I’m excited – he seems great. Should I get him anything special, even if small? A card? He made a reservation at a more upscale restaurant. Any thoughts welcome! Thanks!
Anonymous
Nope nope nope
Anonymous
+100.
Anon
I wouldn’t. It’ll just seem weird that you think that your 2nd date = boyfriend. If you really really must do something, honestly go to Target and grab one of those TINY boxes of chocolate that come with like 3 pieces of candy and even then I wouldn’t do it.
His choice I guess but a valentines day date is perfect for something like a Shake Shack and then walking around town or similar, more than say a fancy restaurant which is going to be packed elbow to elbow that night with the restaurant trying to turn tables fast.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m in the burbs – there’s no walking around town in the dark at night. It’s either Chipotle or nicer restaurant. Won’t be packed the way a city place would be.
Ellen
I agree. It is just a second date. You are not his boyfreind yet even if you slept with him on the first date. Do NOT scare him off now b/c you want to be sure he will be there for you after you decide to sleep with him. But it’s way to early for you to shed your panties for him. Good things come to those who wait, Grandma Trudy says, and I agree. YAY!!
BabyAssociate
Absolutely not.
anon
I would not buy or bring anything special for a second date, even if it’s Valentines Day.
Monday
+1, no matter how promising the situation seems. If this becomes a relationship, you’ll be celebrating a year of dating next Valentine’s Day! Save all tokens for then.
Anon
Girl, no!!!!
NOLA
Oh Lord, I feel like Valentine’s Day is a minefield and we’ve been together for 2 1/2 months! I bought a card and that’s it. Probably dinner at home, if he’s well enough (diagnosed with influenza A recently, but had it for a while before he was diagnosed).
Ellen
Make sure it isn’t the new Flu! OMG, I read that they have no anectdote for it yet, so you need to wash your hands all the time and stay away from peeople, even if they don’t look sick, but especially if they do look sick. Dad says that in a couple of weeks we will all be walking around with masks.
Senior Attorney
I will cautiously disagree. I had maybe the second date with my husband on his birthday and I bought him a funny card and it went over well. So I would not totally rule out a funny Valentine card if you are so moved. But I guarantee he will not have any Valentine-y thing for you so take that into consideration.
Senior Attorney
You know what? On further consideration, just… no. Skip it.
anon
To be fair, a birthday card/gift doesn’t have the overt *we are in a relationship* connotations that exchanging valentines’ day trinkets/sentiments does. I think that’s why light-hearted card/pack of peer or something else token for a birthday seems okay.
Anon
Very good point. He won’t have anything for you and it will be horrible and awkward and bad if you present him with a card/gift.
NOLA
We had been together about a month when my guy’s birthday came up. We stayed over at his hotel the night before and I left him two funny cards (couldn’t decide so both) and I took him out to a casual dinner that night. I found out later that it was a *BIG DEAL* that he didn’t go spend his birthday with his parents and sister (2 hrs drive away), but we had a fun low-key birthday celebration. Valentine’s is just… different.
Angela
Aauuuuuuuuuuuuuugh nooooooooooooo
Anonymous
I vote small funny card to leave in your purse. If he has something similar for you, you can pull it out. Or if you’re really vibing with him and want to give it to him near the end of the date. Definitely would not pull out the card first.
Anonymous
Ok, message received!
AFT
This was a 30 Rock story line with Jon Hamm! It did not go well.
Anon
I thought of the same episode! Jon Hamm’s mother/sister dies!
Anon
So I really really dislike this part of the year — the allure of winter (if there was any) is over and now it’s just rainy and cold but not cold enough to snow and everywhere you turn people are SICK or they’re talking about how their kids are home sick.
What measures do you take — if any — to keep yourself healthy esp. in the office? I feel like offices are tougher than home because they never REALLY get cleaned and there are so many people in close proximity for 8-10 hrs/day. I’m just looking for middle ground measures — I wash hands multiple times/day at work (and at home ) BUT I really don’t want to be seen as that person who is opening the conference room door with her elbows if other people can see me. What do you all swear by?
Anon
I have no shame about opening conference room doors with elbows and touching handles with tissues. The only way to stay healthy is to wash your hands frequently, especially before you eat, avoid touching your face, and avoiding the sneeze/cough zone of sick people (which I believe is around 3 to 6 feet, can’t remember the recommendation).
Also, get enough sleep, stay hydrated, stay up on your multivitamins and exercise. There isn’t anything else you can really do.
Oh and get your flu shot.
anony
Hand sanitizer at my desk, never touch a bathroom doorknob with my hands, wash hands before eating, don’t touch my mouth face. That’s it. Flu shot early in the season, of course.
Otherwise, sleep well, get some exercise, walk outside mid day to get a little sunlight and/or have a happy light with your morning coffee or at your desk.
And plan a little late Feb/early March 3 day weekend mini vacation to look forward to, and another for early May – the most beautiful time of year to travel.
For me, summer is the hell hole I wish I could cover up forever!
Anon
Just keep up the handwashing. Not much else you can do. I wash hands before eating, after using the restroom, after using public transit, after shaking hands, and after touching shared things like the fridge door or the coffee pot. I’m immunocompromised and need to be as careful as I can.
Anon
Please let me out of mod someday!
Anon
Agree with what others have said. I’m with you — I don’t want to be seen as elbowing into conference rooms etc. so I try to do things that don’t obviously scream germophobe. In addition to all the stuff above — I keep my DISTANCE. Like if I know we have a large conference room booked but only 5 of us will be at the meeting, when I come in, I’m not sitting directly next to you. I’m skipping a chair or two and spreading out my stuff in front of me; that pretty much forces others to spread out as well and then you end up with 2 ft of space on either side of you. Same thing if I’m in your office — if I can stand in the doorway or behind your guest chairs, I’m doing that; though in big offices, even sitting in the guest chairs gives you the width of a huge desk away from the office’s owner. Maybe it’s just in my head but I feel like less close contact is a good thing this time of year.
I also don’t share things. I’m bringing multiple pens/highlighters etc. to meetings and not grabbing one off of your desk; if someone wants/takes one of mine, I pretty much just leave it for them to keep. I also don’t share food if I can help it. Random tray of cookies at an internal meeting — no thanks — unless it’s just been opened and I know I’m the first one taking. Obviously this doesn’t always work; if you’re at an all day client meeting and lunch is being brought in, it’d be too obvious to not eat and also rude to help yourself ASAP before your guests; so then if I can, I try to grab the sandwich from the other end of the tray — the side that looks untouched.
Anonymous
I make sure not to skimp on sleep this time of year. I honestly think it helps more than buckets of hand sanitizer.
anon
True story. I took a sick day on Monday because I felt like I was coming down with something. Some extra sleep = feeling back to normal within 24 hours. That doesn’t always work, of course, but sleep does wonders for my immune system.
Anon
Same.
Anon for Today
Hive, I need your help . . . . or maybe this is a question for Ask a Manager. My BFF and I worked have worked together for years as peers, at the same level. We were BFFs before we were co-workers. I know, or thought I knew, her abilities and work ethic well. A year or so ago, I was promoted over her and am now her direct supervisor. You can write the rest of this question, can’t you?
Our employer is well aware of our preexisting friendship and asked both of us during the interview process if we could manage this new dynamic. I truly believed it wouldn’t be an issue – now that sounds so stupid – because I believed my friend would never put me in a bad position. Well, now it is an issue. My friend is slacking. She seems to have lost interest in the job. I don’t think she is taking me seriously at all. Her work product is nowhere near what she is capable of doing and my own boss is taking notice and telling me I need to fix it.
I don’t know if I can fix it. Do I appeal to her as a friend or as a boss or is there some way to bridge the gap? I know I should have seen this coming.
Anon
Hmm — how important is this friendship to you? Important right? It’s not just a friend but a best friend? The best solution her to save the friendship is if she were to move on — to another co. or even another reporting line within your co. Any way you can suggest that without offending — as in — I think x would be a great step for you, so-and-so told me they’re looking – frankly I’d have no problems saying, you don’t seem happy here anymore but YMMV.
Anon
Start the convo acknowledging your frindship but noting that you’re putting boss hat on and talk to her about her change in work product and that people have brought up XYZ to you and set up a plan of how to address it. Stick to performance metrics she can work on.
Anon
I think you tell her what you told us: that her work product is faltering and that your own boss needs you to address this problem.
You should ask her if there are factors in her life that are affecting her performance (yes, she’s your BFF, but there might be something that play that you haven’t considered or that she hasn’t told anyone). Do the same thing you would for any other employee: inform her of the problem, ask for her to be a partner in solving it, and if she fails to solve it, discuss next steps.
NOLA
Whatever you do, don’t “blame” this on your boss. If you need to deal with an employee as a supervisor, you have to own it.
anon
aam had this very question with an update last month
https://www.askamanager.org/2020/01/updates-the-tenant-requesting-money-the-bad-friend-employee-and-more.html
Housecounsel
Oh wow, this hits very, very close to home. Thank you.
Jane
Looking for recommendations on statement earrings. I favor something more architectural than girlie. Any ideas? Ideally priced $50 or below but will to spend up to $100 for a great pair.
I know etsy is probably the answer to this but I find it really overwhelming to sort through.
Thanks
Anon
I don’t know if they have any statement earrings right now but I always really like Banana Republic’s costume jewelry.
Anonymous
Iskin Sisters!
Senior Attorney
I don’t know if this is what you are looking for at all, but I just got these resin earrings and they were about twice as big and statement-y as I expected, in a good way: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/madewell-resin-oval-hoop-earrings/5363738/full
pugsnbourbon
I love architectural earrings! MomaStore has a few fun options in the $50-$75 range. I found the brand Siizu on instagram but haven’t ordered anything and can’t speak to their quality.
On Etsy, I’ve purchased from Blue Hour Designs and really liked the pieces I got (both were $30 or $40). Also check out Virginia Wynne and OtisJaxon.
pugsnbourbon
Like how lovely are these: https://www.etsy.com/listing/490299833/simple-modern-dangle-open-hoop-earrings?ref=shop_home_active_172&pro=1&frs=1
And these: https://www.etsy.com/listing/484852065/geometric-drop-earrings-circle-drop?ref=user_profile&frs=1
And these – yes I know they’ll look like big brass mason jar lids and I’m HERE for it: https://www.etsy.com/listing/486558349/extra-large-flat-circle-stud-earrings?ref=shop_home_active_3&pro=1&frs=1
Gail the Goldfish
Met Museum store also usually has interesting options, though closer to the $100 range. I now really want one of these:
https://store.metmuseum.org/erte-michelle-drop-earrings-80051613
https://store.metmuseum.org/erte-zizi-earrings-80051540
https://store.metmuseum.org/erte-rondo-drop-earrings-80051502
pugsnbourbon
Those Zizi earrings! *heart-eye emoji*
anon
This is the anon that asked for Portugal recommendation yesterday. I got called away for work junk so I didn’t get to participate in the conversation, but thank you so much for all the ideas and tips!
Anon
Enjoy Portugal. Cbackson posted all of my prior recs; but just want to reiterate that I loved Portugal – it is one of my favorite trips ever and I still think about going back all. the. time. Have fun!! And please come back and share anything new you discover with the rest of us!
Housecounsel
Red Alert!!!! Boden on Zulily today!
Anon
Thank you! Got myself the Sierra textured dress!
For Coffee Break Anon with Slog
I just saw your post from yesterday and want to offer a re-frame about not being a workhorse when you’re almost 40. I don’t know if you’re a lawyer, but I imagine this is true in many professions. The more experienced you are, the less of a workhorse you should be. In every matter I work on, the distribution of work is kind of like a pyramid, with the least experienced/lowest billing person spending the most time and the more experienced person spending a smaller amount of time doing the review. When there are senior associates/junior partners filling up the bill with hours that could be delegated to a lower rate (being a “workhorse”), it just makes them look bad at delegating. Does this translate to your setting? Maybe you’re not lazy — you’re just in a different phase that requires experience and efficiency.
Anon
I read that post, too, and my thoughts: you are entering the part of life wherein you want to enjoy what you’ve built. You spend your teens, twenties, and part of your thirties building that life (slogging away at college and your career, getting in shape, finding a husband, building a relationship with him, having kids, raising those kids); but you can’t keep “building” forever. That’s a huge investment of time and effort, and the payoff is to be 40 and enjoy your lovely family and financial stability. The payoff isn’t that you continue grinding it out forever! The grind is a means to an end.
anon
OP here, and this actually made me tear up. Thank you. Yes, I have worked my tail off to build. And it’s high time that I enjoy it, without the pressure to do or be more.
Anonymous
I am in a tricky situation at work and could use the Hive’s advice on how to navigate! I’m a 3rd year associate at a biglaw firm and am completely burnt out and over this job. I first felt this about 6 months ago when I had to go on an SSRI for anxiety and depression (caused mainly by my job) and decided that I would try to set some boundaries and lean out at work for the sake of my mental health – basically making sure I do everything that I am asked to do well and on time, but only doing what I need to do to keep the job. I was able to do so for a while, but (unsurprisingly) have gotten feedback from the partners in my group that I need to be more committed and engaged (read: I need to work more and later at night, need to be proactive in taking on work and demonstrate that I “want to be here”). This feedback confirmed to me that I am not going to be able to meet the expectations of this job and maintain the boundaries that are essential to me being healthy and happy, so I am looking for an in-house job for a better lifestyle (I’ve already tried a boutique and had the same issues – it’s the whole culture of private practice that clashes with my values). The job search has been really slow and there simply aren’t roles available right now, but I’m feeling very stressed because I know the partners are expecting a grand turn-around in my attitude and increased engagement and commitment from me in light of the feedback. I simply do not have it in me to give any more of myself to this job than I am currently giving. How do I bide my time until I find an in-house job and can quit my firm? I would like to leave on a good note so that I can use people here as references and am also worried about getting fired for lack of commitment/engagement before I find another job.
Anon
I’m not sure there’s a solution here. They expect you to do more. You can’t/don’t want to. That’s fine but then it just becomes a foot race between how soon you can find a job vs. how soon they get sick of you and start to push you out. A lot of that is dependent on the economy, if work starts to slow down (not at the associate level but at the business generation level), their patience will wear thin quicker. I would do what you can do at work, step up if you can but really focus your 1000% efforts on the job search. Do NOT sit around saying — the right job isn’t out there right now; apply and interview for things that aren’t perfect and take one of them if it comes along. Sounds like this is a lifestyle issue and it isn’t going to get better at the firm unless you really pick it up. And it’s a tale as old as time at law firms. Right now things are like they were in 2007 — really really busy so partners are willing to overlook that associate that doesn’t seem as committed or engaged as the rest and leaves at 6 pm whenever she can. But ask the people who were around in 2008 — when 08 rolled around, partners were fast to let those people go to cut the bottom line.
anon
aaah, I am freaking out a little, but I got a job offer and for the first time, responded with a (very soft) ask for more money. Waiting for the response and unable to focus on anything. But I think, deep down, I am glad I asked! Thanks to the wise hive!
Abby
Good for you and congrats! Hoping you receive a positive response.
lsw
Congrats!! Good for you! It’s so scary but the worst that can happen is a no.