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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 164 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Oval Drop Earrings

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Kenneth Jay Lane Oval Drop EarringsI like these black resin earrings — particularly for a blonde. (I always feel like dark earrings get lost in my dark hair!) I particularly like that these have a smooth setting — I don't think they'll move around and be a distraction for whoever you're talking to at the office. They're $44 at ShopBop. Kenneth Jay Lane Oval Drop Earrings (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

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Comments

  1. MissK

    Resume Question!

    I’m touching up my resume because there’s a change that my husband could ge relocated this spring and I’ll need to job search – ugh!

    I work in finance and have been with the same firm since college. I’ve worked 1 financial advisor my entire duration here (almost 4 years) and a team of 2 advisors for a little over a year. 1 of advisors on the team is our branch manager and very involved in our firm overall.

    I’m wondering if I should list them all as references on my resume, or if that’s to many people from the same company. I have other references, but I haven’t worked with them particularly recently so I’m not sure how relevant they are any more. Additionally, there is a different individual who is my direct supervisor, but that would be a 4th person from my current firm on the references list.

    Advice????

    • MissK

      Wow. So many typos now that I’ve read that back to myself….. I promise I’ll have someone proof my resume…

    • preg 3L

      I never put references on my resume. It’s understood that references are available upon request. I do think that 4 references from 1 company is too many — but I only have 3 or 4 references total, so I try to do half from school (since I’m still in school) and half from internships/jobs.

      • Anonymous

        +1 not to put any on your resume. At most, could do “upon request” note, but it’s implied generally.

      • MH

        I never included references on my resume (in law), but did bring a sheet to my interviews with 3 references listed. The sheet was formatted with the same header/footer as my resume, on the same paper. I was ready to hand it over if they asked.

        I would only list at most two people from your current company, unless it’s very large and you were working in unrelated departments. That person should be a supervisor who is familiar with your work, and who would be somewhat helpful to the company you are interviewing with (i.e., hopefully in a field similar to what you are applying for now). I don’t think it matters if you don’t have a lot of references. If the reference doesn’t add anything to the conversation, it isn’t really going to matter.

        As to NOLA’s point, maybe you can signify on your sheet that a couple names are alternatives in case the main contact person at the company is unavailable — that way it won’t look like you’re just trying to pad your reference list?

        • Aggie

          +1, When I was on a hiring committee (midsize Texas Law), I was always VERY impressed with the candidates who had their resume’s in a pad folio ready to present upon request. I think that’s very classy.

          You want to vary your references while keeping it under five at the very most. And I would included the alternates in the same paragraph as the primary person of that company.

          • TCFKAG

            I always bring extra copies of everything I’ve submitted to any job, plus extras of references, writing sample, etc. in case the person interviewing me suddenly goes “do we have a writing sample on you…” because than you can say “no, but here’s a copy” rather than having to email it later. I think it makes you look prepared. Of course, some people prefer to have it emailed to them later but then its their choice, not yours.

          • MH

            Yes – TCFKAG. This is so important. Reminds me of the time that I went to a full-day interview with multiple individual meetings with attorneys in the firm, and my first one was with an older partner who just simply had no idea who I was, or really why he was even there. He said, “so, what are we doing today?” And I had to explain that I was there to interview for a position. Then I had to pull out copies of everything: my resume, cover letter, writing sample, and references. It was a little weird.

    • NOLA

      In my field (academia), the ad for the job will ask for three references. We usually don’t mind getting 4 because it means we have some leeway if someone isn’t available. People usually put them on a separate page so they can decide to include them or not. As for the all from the same place, it depends. If you don’t have other professional contacts, then you don’t have a choice. I, like you, have been at the same place my whole career, so I would probably include people at different levels.

  2. NYC Meet Up

    Monday Nov. 11 at 7:30PM at Grey Dog’s on W 16th St & 8th Ave! Bring your friends!

    • ABC

      Since I have never been to a meet up, how can I tell who the ‘rettes are? Just look for a big group of ladies?

  3. Humdilly

    Vicarious shopping TJ: I’ve been searching for a gray ponte or sweater blazer for months to no avail. I normally take a petite size in blazers. I’m OK with a regular torso length, but I have narrow shoulders and short arms. I’d settle for light gray or charcoal at this point. Does anyone have a suggestion for a narrow shouldered blazer?

  4. Pretzel_Logic

    Kind of a weird question, but does anyone have a mobile internet hotspot to recommend? I’m going to be moving in the next month to a place not wired for wireless (and it’s a temp move to a relative’s house while they’re out of town, so I’m not about to rewire their house when they already have their cable and stuff set up). As of now I’m still job searching and I’ll need internet at the house. My cell phone is on Verizon and I get good 4G coverage there, but I’m trying to price compare to see if another provider has a more competitive price plan. I figure someone has one of these for business travel or something.

    • Wildkitten

      You can turn many phones into hot spots, if that would help. I hotspot my iphone sometimes.

    • mascot

      Not wired for wireless as in, they don’t have internet access? If they just have hardwired internet, setting up a wireless router is pretty easy and inexpensive.
      If I need intermittent internet access, I use my iphone personal hotspot feature to tether to my computer or ipad. I think it is like $10/month and you can activate/deactivate at will without resetting your plan. Or at least you could when I set this whole thing up.

    • zora

      If they already have some kind of internet/broadband, etc connection, it’s not hard to make it wireless. I’ve bought wireless routers off craigslist for $15-20. You just plug it into their existing internet connection/modem, and you have wireless internet. Doesn’t change their existing connection to the internet, plus, it doesn’t cost them any extra. I would be aiming for that before dealing with a plug-in hotspot.

      • Pretzel_Logic

        they just have a Verizon MyFi (it’s my grandparents). They have DirectTV or some satellite TV thing so it can’t be upgraded.

        I thought about the phone hotspot thing, but I lost unlimited data the last time I upgraded and I’d burn through it PDQ. I use wireless whenever possible to keep my bill from exploding.

    • SH

      Can you hang out at P*nera or St*rbucks for a few hours every day to get your heavy-duty interneting in, and then use their internet at home for some little things?

    • chilled coyote

      We use an internet service called CLEAR that costs $50/mo and uses 4G cell signal. All you need is a place to plug it in.

      • chilled coyote

        And, you can take it anywhere you go. We bring ours on vacation so we always have reliable access. Lame, right? Ah the joys of the self-employed spouse.

  5. preg 3L

    Recently, I started reading alphamom.com (thanks to a recommendation on thissite) and it is so great. Today’s post about potty training was particularly funny so I wanted to recommend the site to moms and moms-to-be!

    • TBK

      Just read that post. Hilarious! (And also, I imagine, very useful. I also hear that singing songs about using the potty are effective. I’ve witnessed some spectacular “yay you pooped in the potty” musical renditions at my friends’ houses.)

  6. Confused

    Ladies, I need your help. My DH’s career is really starting to take off but this has made it difficult for me to build my career or go to grad school because we’ve had to relocate a couple times. DH is now being offered an international opportunity but it will mean another move and another disruption to me career. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on building a career because I can’t gain any momentum like this. I don’t know what to do. Anyone BTDT?

    • rosie

      I haven’t personally been there, but have had several friends make temporary, international moves for their spouse’s career. Is there work you could do in the new place that would be related to your career? Is there a program, either degree or certificate, you could do in the new place that would be related to your career?

      I would also want to know what the long-term looks like. If you go international for X years, will you get a certain period of stability once you return? Will you have any flexibility in where you move to when you return? (I.e., could you choose somewhere with good prospects for you and know that you would stay there for a solid chunk of time?)

    • lonestarlawyer

      Am there, doing that (though not internationally). Sadly, no advice at this point, just commiseration! Try to gain skills that will be transferable to the career that you want to have once you land in one place for a while (and make contacts who can help you land comfortably).

    • Coach Laura

      Confused, the advice here would be wildly different depending on your field – sales, law, finance, health care, social work?

      My advice would be to find something you could do when abroad to benefit the career back home, especially if you won’t have the right visa to work. If you’re in finance, study for the Certified Financial Planner or Chartered Financial Consultant (ChFC), Certified Life Underwriter exam(s). If you’re a lawyer get a LLM or a tax degree: There are some very good, well-respected online programs for these. If you’re a teacher, work towards a masters’ or even a doctorate. If you want to switch to a portable career, you could go back for another degree and switch fields when you return to the US.

      Or start an internet company or blog (like Kat!).

      Another option would be to try to work for an international, multi-country company (Microsoft, Costco, Coca-cola, HSBC, etc) that would have an office in many US locations and many overseas locations. Again, this varies so much by field that it’s hard to make recommendations.

      My personal favorite would be to write a novel but I know that’s just me projecting my ex-pat fantasy on to you.

  7. Trying to Simplify Holidays

    I know it’s early for this, but wondering if anyone has been successful in changing their family gift-giving tradition to a low key one. My SO and I would like to keep gifts simple and preferably experiential or consumable…. we just have so much stuff, you know?

    My question is, how do we do this without being total killjoys? When I have broached in the past, my family assumed it was a money issue, so that resulted in cheap candles, fuzzy socks, etc., whereas the big driver for this is anti-clutter and environmental concerns. We have tried to implement this as far as gifts we give (giving wine, buying tickets to events, etc.) I guess I am asking if this is possible in anyone’s experience and how to not feel like we are ruining everyone’s joy. Or if I am just a jerk.

    • AnonInfinity

      I want to do this so badly!! Still haven’t figured out how to do it with my family (my SIL actually suggested it on that side).

    • mascot

      Could you draw names? That way you only have to buy for one or two people.

      • Aggie

        Last year we drew names and did concert tickets or sporting event tickets only. I ended up buying my draw a pair of pro-football tickets for around $350 for the pair. Considering I would be buying presents for 15 people, I thought this was a bargain.

    • Susie

      I have three siblings, and now we all include husbands/SOs so not only was the list getting longer but we’re at the age where it’s hard to buy gifts. A few years ago we started doing a “secret santa” where during Thanksgiving we each draw one name and only get a gift for that one person within the set $ limit. It’s been working out pretty well, I don’t recall who came up with the idea (I think my mom) but we adapted pretty quick.

      • ExcelNinja

        What a great idea. I just emailed my family to see if they’d be interested in doing this. Christmas has definitely gotten a little insane with all of the siblings and S.O.’s and step-parents and parents-in-law!

    • Sydney Bristow

      My family adopted a needy family one year and then drew names with a $50 limit to buy presents for each other. It worked pretty well for us and everyone got to do the fun shopping part they wanted or give money to someone who liked that part and we all still got to do the gift opening ritual on Christmas morning without overloading on stuff.

      Does your family ask for gift ideas for you or just guess? If they ask, you could just suggest gift ideas that aren’t items you’d have to deal with. If they don’t ask then I’m not sure how to approach it. For what it’s worth, I’m someone who dislikes having a lot of stuff, but my family usually asks me for ideas so I can suggest things I’d like to own and deal with like a piece of jewelry or clothing item I’ve been wanting or an Amazon gift card to buy books for my kindle.

      • JC

        For the last five years, my family (including parents, siblings, and grandparents) have chosen a different charity and we do a family donation. It’s been a really good experience for us and a different family member chooses the charity each year–we’ve given to a food bank, a hospital in Haiti, a crisis nursery, a children’s library, and a children’s group home. The relief of not having to buy gifts for people who don’t really need anything coupled with making a small difference for people who actually do need things has been a really good way for us to celebrate the holidays.

        • mintberrycrunch

          Sigh, I have suggested this so many times to my family… no dice. I love the idea though and hope that eventually everyone will come around. I do not need more stuff…. especially stuff that I don’t even want!

    • Sparrow

      I don’t think you are being a jerk. I think this is a great idea. Can you point your family to a wishlist you create with items of interest to you? Maybe create a board on Pinterest? If you have a big family, can you implement some kind of lottery where one person buys for another? Or perhaps ask for gifts to be made in your name to a charity you support?

      Good luck! I like your idea and hopefully you can get your family on board.

      • Anonymous

        I agree that you should try a wish list. You can put pretty much anything on an amazon wish list, so family does amazon wish lists. (Although I have found that it can confuse older relatives though when not all of the items on the list are available from amazon itself.)

    • MH

      Ah!! This is so on-point for me. Just to clarify, are you talking about an all-adult family, or there kiddies involved? If there are kids, maybe you can do an adult-only name draw, and then everyone can get the kids a couple of things. Or, you can just make a long list of things you want, which are all consumable or experiential. Then give that as a suggestion to people, and hopefully they’ll get the hint that you don’t want any stuff.

      On that note, what are some good gifts in this subject area that people have gotten recently?

      • Sparrow

        My father-in-law gives us gift certificates to a really nice restaurant in our town. My husband’s sister and her husband also get one. After the holidays, we get together and enjoy a really nice meal and are able to support a local business.

      • Trying to Simplify Holidays

        Thanks, all! I really don’t mean to sound ungrateful. Mainly adults, a few kids on both sides – none mine. We have tried a number of things. Secret Santa suggestion on my SO’s side did not work bc they like giving big ticket items and no one could agree on a price limit. We did do the kids-only thing on that side for a few years, but that seems to have just been temporary. On my side, the sticky issue seems to come from family members who claim they aren’t giving gifts, then find a deal and get everyone the exact same sale item.

        I took the kid on my side to the aquarium last year, which seemed to go over well, and have (at her request) adopted a needy child for my mom the past few years. I give her a photo of what I got, and maybe an ornament.

      • Small Town Atty

        +1 This is what my DH’s family does. All the siblings & their spouses set up a secret santa online where each person only has to buy for one adult, and then we buy presents for all the nieces & nephews.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      What about proposing group experiences where everyone pays their own way? We do a yearly weekend trip to a nearby vacation spot with my brother and his g/f – it costs the same as what we’d all spend on each other for Christmas anyway, and by suggesting “let’s do this trip together and split the cost” we’ve essentially cut the potential for present-giving off at the pass.

    • TBK

      Not sure from your post, but it sounds like you’re trying to implement this family-wide, meaning not just gifts you give or receive, but sort of a blanket rule across the family. I wonder if it would be easier if you didn’t try to influence what, say, your mom gives your brother and just focus on the exchanges you’re actually involved in. So you sincerely ask your family to give you the kinds of gifts you want ( “we’ve been dying to try [restaurant] and a gift certificate would be great, or [band] is coming to town [date] and we’d love tickets to that”) and then you just buy those kinds of gifts for everyone else. I get that from an environmental perspective you’d love for everyone to cut down on the clutter, but it’s hard to get people to do that if they’re not actually that interested.

      • Trying to Simplify Holidays

        Not at all trying to implement family-wide. My point was that we’ve done okay as far as giving these type of gifts, less so on receiving them. My SO’s family does a wish list so this is less an issue there, but on my side, it tends to be a lot of little gifts, including stockings. Trying to find a good way to change that culture of having so many packages for us without stepping on toes. There’s also a feeling among the older generation that gift certificates don’t really “count”.

        • NOLA

          I totally get what you’re saying. Last year, my brother, SIL, and I gave up and got each other gift cards, which my Dad didn’t think were real gifts either. But, we would have some fun going to the shopping center near them and shopping with our giftcards. They know there’s a store I like near them and there isn’t one here. My SIL will often not indulge for herself without some prompting.

          And the family trip idea? NOOOOOOO!!

          • TO Lawyer

            haha NOLA I’m with you on the family trip idea. Every year, my mom suggests it with our extended family and doesn’t seem to see why it would be the worst idea ever.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            To be clear, it’s not the whole family, just my brother and his g/f, who are cool and who we like hanging out with anyway. We then separately will usually do something much more time-limited with my parents (like a nice dinner + local theater tickets or similar). Growing up, my dad’s side of the family had a tradition of all of the uncles and male cousins going to a baseball game together (time-limited AND you don’t even really have to talk to each other! :P). That’s more what I had in mind, not some giant vacation with the whole extended family.

        • Baconpancakes

          Yep, my mom loves giving “hilarious” and “adorable” gifts that I really really realllllly don’t want. Despite sending her Amazon wishlists and dropping really heavy hints, she seems to forget that I don’t have a 1000 sf basement like she does, and persists in PJ sets with cartoon moose saying “Almoose Asleep” on them. Lately I’ve begun sighing internally, smiling, and immediately donating the gifts, and thanking her profusely for the beautiful handmade card she clearly spent so much time on.

          • ExcelNinja

            Baconpancakes: You can’t beat the gift my mom got me last year — a clock with pictures of cats on it that meowed every hour. Each hour’s meow was the meow of whatever breed of cat was pictured at that hour.

            I had not had a cat for over 10 years….

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I’m going to post this on tomorrow’s thread but we should totally do a *this site* gift swap post holidays. We can trade all the things we got that we think are tacky that someone else will love.

        • hoola hoopa

          I really can’t emphasize enough that IME you simply need to give at the level you want to receive.

        • TBK

          Ahhh, yes, the stocking. My grandmother would have thought I was the Grinch himself if I ever suggested she not do stockings — and the stockings were always full of just cr@p. Yes, I totally hear you. Is there any way to redirect the gifts a bit so that you wind up with things you can just donate? Women’s shelters are always looking for toiletries. If you encouraged people to fill up your stocking with little soaps and things, you could turn around and donate all of those. Or find out what other items charities in your area need, and see if you can nudge people to give you some of those items.

          • Gail the Goldfish

            On the other hand, my mom still does stockings for my brother and me, and I love them because they’re always little useful things I either need but never get around to buying, or upgrades of things I would have bought the cheap version of. Think socks, sports bras, useful small kitchen gizmos (like a citrus squeezer), the good hand cream, etc. I think I may enjoy opening the stocking more than presents.

          • Nonny

            I’m with Gail on stockings. They are a big thing in my family but the rule is that no individual item can cost more than $5 or $10. I like stockings more than actual presents!

          • Sydney Bristow

            My stocking provides me with a new travel toothbrush and batteries for the year. I love it.

    • Famouscait

      Not sure if this answers your question, but I always give my family members the names of a few restaurants DH and I want to try. They get to give us something New! Fun! That we haven’t’ done before! And we get a gift that doesn’t take up space on a shelf or in a closet (just in our tummies…). It’s been a good tradition for a few years now.

    • hoola hoopa

      What worked for us:
      — Just start doing it with your gifts. You can explain to others that you are focusing on gifting less, but don’t try enforce what others give you. Most will follow your lead after a year or two, but some won’t and that’s okay. Don’t feel guilty when they knowingly gift you more or annoyed when they give you ‘stuff’ – just thank, donate, and stay the course.
      — We alternate years with each family, so we primarily exchange gifts only with the side of the family that we visit. Children get a book. Adults get a homemade edible. My husband’s family exchanges small gifts (think: socks or notecards and chocolate) between women-only and we give his parents a gift. My family still exchanges gifts among adults, so we give one gift to each person or couple (depends on the gift).
      — For my extended family, we do a white elephant gift exchange. Everyone shows up with one gift with a fairly low price ‘limit’ (most people spend $15-30). Most people bring serious gifts, which makes the oddball joke gift that much funnier. It’s the main activity and enjoyed by all. Drawing names may work for another family.
      — We don’t do gifts for friends. We give some sort of edible to neighbors, friends who we see, etc and that’s all.

      I highly recommend it. So much less stress and waste, and I truely feel like the focus is back on spending time together, being thankful, reflecting on the previous year and focusing on the next.

      • Trying to Simplify Holidays

        Thank you! This is exactly what I needed… what has worked and how you did it.

      • preg 3L

        hoola hoopa, for the edibles that you make, do you add any sort of preservatives or do you just space out your traveling/gifting so that you can make them the day or two before you give them? Also, do you have suggestions for types of containers to put them in? This sounds brilliant!

        • rosie

          Not hoola hoopa, but I’ve found cute, food-safe tins from JoAnn Fabrics before. Craft stores also have all kinds of bags and boxes that you can use for candies and other items. Oh, and I don’t add preservatives. Things like nuts (just made Chai Spiced Almonds from Joy the Baker and highly recommend) keep, and baked goods I make within a day or two of mailing.

        • CapHillAnon

          Last December, IKEA had some cute white-and-silver snowflake containers /tins perfect for giving homemade treats.

        • hoola hoopa

          We usually gift canned goods (apple butter, BBQ sauce, jam) or shelf-stable items (hot cocoa mix, granola, jerky). To pretty up the jars, I cut circles out of scrapbook paper and put them between the ring and sealed lid. Granola and jerky go in ziplock bags with cute printed labels. It has all traveled and shipped well.

          For neighbors etc, I simply distribute within one day of baking. For breads, I wrap in plastic wrap or wax paper, then tissue paper with string/ribbon. For cookies, I box or put between two plates, with ribbon.

      • KLG

        My family does the white elephant gift exchange and my husband’s family is getting into it too. My family does a $40-50 gift and makes a game out of it and everyone is REALLY into it. (But the “kids” are now in college so I’m not sure what we’ll do when the next generation comes along). I actually scored an awesome little toolkit one year that I use all the time.

        My husband’s family is a little tougher. They recently went from just buying gifts from each other’s kids to the white elephant thing. Last year they did a $15 limit so everyone ended up with crap plus you’re looking for a gift that would be suitable for someone from the age of 6-89, which is nearly impossible. I stole a mini-shopvac from my niece so she could get a heart bracelet. The shopvac is of course sitting out in my garage unopened… This year one of his sisters and I are going to push for a $30 limit.

      • Anonymous

        +1!!

        My husband and I have started implementing a similar system, and are doing so slowly over time.

        1. We decided not to purchase gifts for each other, and instead purchase for a needy child by picking a tag off one of those angel trees. We also made it a point to mention to our families when we started doing this and that we were doing so because we felt like we had a lot of things and just didn’t NEED Christmas presents.

        2. We have started buying more gift cards for people in hopes that it will be reciprocated; This is most successfull with family members that are our age – not so much with our parents. And when people ask us what we want for Christmas, we’ve found that if we would just rather have cash/gift cards it’s more successful when we say something like “We’re planning for X Trip and would love cash toward that.”

        3. We identified family members that we knew felt the same as us, and started our tradition with them. For example – we exchange with my BIL and his wife and we started doing an ornament exchange instead of gifts. It’s something we both enjoy, cuts down on junk and is inexpensive.

        4. When all else fails, get comfortable donating/returning gifts. I have found that around the holidays most stores are more understanding of not having receipts and will at least give you store credit. I felt guilty about doing this at first, but in the end I’m happier than if I have random crap cluttering up my house that I don’t even want.

    • k-padi

      My extended family switched to a white elephant exchange with a set dollar amount. Its a lot of fun to see what people buy and choose for themselves. there are many ways to set the exchange up so just find one that works for your family.

    • A Nonny Moose

      We set a rule that all gifts have to be locally sourced. It’s been a lot of fun, and people have gotten more creative. Maybe not the exact solution for you, but hopefully other readers can benefit from this type of idea.

      • A Nonny Moose

        Forgot to add: with extended family, we do a white elephant exchange with the local rule.

    • Cb

      Anxious to hear thoughts on this as well. We do gift lists but it’s my first year participating and I just can’t bring myself to add “fun” stuff to the list. I need new pillows and would be way more excited about a compost bin than new earrings.

    • elz

      We started by drawing one adult name, then after a couple years, moved to donating to a charity. We buy one gift for each child, nothing for the adults, and a charity gets a nice donation. I give my parents something from the kids, but that’s it. Less muss, no fuss.

      I think I sent an email basically saying- this is ridiculous and wasteful and everybody agreed.

    • Anne Shirley

      I don’t think it’s appropriate to try and control how others give you gifts. It sounds like you’ve spoken your piece, and they don’t agree. I’d give them gifts that are in line with your values, that you think they will like, and just say thank you graciously for anything else that comes your way. There are lots of good ways to manage gifts, but if your family isn’t interested in changing, you can’t, and I think shouldn’t, try to push this through on your own.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        There are things you can control and things you can’t. The gifts other people give you falls into the latter category. (See also “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”)

    • anon-oh-no

      my personal opinion is that it is ruining everyone’s joy. I love giving gifts, and I very much dislike it when others try to put limits (whether its $$ or time or style etc). The point of giving gifts is to try to give people something you think will make them happy, but in a way that makes you happy. So give the gifts you want to give — do what makes you happy. But dont expect others to want to give the same stuff as you, as different things will make them happy.

      • bananagram

        I’ll agree with this, so long as you don’t ask where the gifts are when you visit. :)

      • Anon

        Some people don’t want to give gifts at all. Your giving them a gift automatically creates an obligation on their part to also give you a gift. This is a feature in most human societies.

        The question is – you ok with not getting a gift in return? I doubt it, so your gifting creates an obligation, even though it’s how you want to express your goodwill and affection for the receiver of the gift.

        • DealCube

          Wow, that’s a sad world to live in. I can honestly say that I’ve never kept track if any of my gifts are reciprocated. I give gifts to give gifts. I hope that they are things people like and if they aren’t, I hope the regift/donate them/think a kind thought before they trash them.

          Life’s often as complicated as you make it.

          • anon

            I don’t feel bad about not getting a gift – but it is true that I will feel bad if somebody gets me something and I haven’t gotten them something, or gotten something of way lesser value. Nobody else has felt that before? And maybe it stems from growing up, my friends always seemed to be able to afford really extravagant gifts for me, but it was hard for me to do the same in return (entirely based on our parents’ situations, of course).

            My parents recently moved and got cakes for their neighbors last year around the holidays for being so welcoming. In the days that followed, they received a bunch of strange sort of leftover seeming gifts, because it really did create a feeling of obligation. Then my parents felt even worse because they never intended for them to feel like they had to give something in return, and it was pretty clear that that’s what happened.

          • Anonymous

            @Dealcube

            You sound really sanctimonious. Just because you pretend things are “simpler” than they aren’t, doesn’t mean they are. The term for that is willfully blind.

            You are totally lying that if you gave a bunch of people gifts and none of them reciprocated that you’d be unhappy about it. Unless, you really are a saint come down here to teach us to be saintlier and to not think too much.

    • L2fly

      We’ve done a ‘white elephant’ type gift exchange between the adults in my husband’s family the last two years, and it’s been quite a hit! Although we do try to keep the gifts more useful and less of a ‘gag-gift’ type thing.

  8. anonimus the OP

    I just wanted to tell everyone from this morning thank you for your support and also making me feel a little more normal.

    In the last month I actually did go through his email/got a Verizon text-specific log/ and also took a secret afternoon off and visited each place he was supposed to be at and he was there, which made me feel horridly sneaky, but I feel sure that affair/major lifestyle change is out. He actually is at all the community/church/school functions (main job is a teacher…he’s taken on every coaching/extracurricular activity available in addition to second job. I should have said that this morning.)

    I am just coming to terms with how not okay things are. Thanks everyone for your support. Like an emotional buoy allowing me to keep my head afloat for a few days without constantly treading/swimming so I can catch my breath and look around.

    • Anon for this

      Hon, that’s why this site is here–to let you know you’re not the only one who’s been in Miseryville. There will be a solution…either with your H or without him. It’s good to read that that you’re feeling better and that you’ve ruled out major lifestyle changes and affairs for H. Hugs.

    • Anonymous

      I was on team gay/affair, but now I’m wondering if it’s either 1) money/feeling like he needs to be the “provider” (a problem which might be compounded by you out-earning him) or 2) some issue going back to his childhood that makes him anxious to be around his own child so he’s shutting both of you out by always being busy? Regardless, I’m hopeful that you’ll get to the bottom of this and find happiness with – or without – him.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Any chance he could have a debt you don’t know about?

      This sounds exactly like what happened with my father when he’d secretly accumulated (high five-figure) credit card debt and was afraid to tell my mother.

    • Anon in NYC

      I posted later in the morning thread, but I’ll reiterate that 1) what he’s doing is not okay, but 2) it sounds like it could be (in part) a money thing. Doesn’t he get extra money to coach/do certain school-related activities? And, frankly, if I were out of the house from 7am-9pm every day, I’d be pretty tired and less emotionally available to people. It doesn’t excuse the dirty laundry or the plates in the sink, but maybe he is feeling a bit stressed and entitled, like, he’s holding down two jobs (to get more money for the family) and staying active in your church (setting a good example for the baby) so the “least” you could do is pick up after him.

      I don’t know what kind of conversations you’ve had with him to date, but maybe sitting down with a glass of wine in a relaxed setting (Saturday night? No school or church.) and talking about this in a less emotional way would be a good idea. Start by acknowledging how hard he’s working and praise him for staying active in the church, and then say that although you’re proud that he manages to do so much you miss spending time with him. Say that you’ve noticed that his activities have increased since the baby was born, and ask him if there is a reason for that. He probably won’t have a good one. If it’s financial, tell him that you would rather spend time together as a family than have him make an extra however much per year. If it’s anxiety or something else related to the baby, that’s a different conversation. I think if it’s that sort of situation, you need to reiterate that you guys are partners and you’ll work through the issue together.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m not excusing your husband’s behavior but want to add a thought. I’m the messy one in our marriage. I am also the one that works longer hours. When I’m burning the candle at both ends, the first thing that goes is home cleanliness. The laundry and dishes can get done when I’m not so busy. My much neater husband taught me the error of my ways. However, on rare busy occasions I do go days with my laundry accumulating in our bathroom and my dishes piling up in the sink. Here is my reason – I’m usually eating and showering either after my husband went to bed or before he has gotten up. I don’t want to wake him. I’m sure with an infant there are even more concerns of waking someone. It is much quieter for me to leave my clothes in the bathroom than to try to get through our dark bedroom to the hamper or to hang them in our closet, turning on lights, while he is sleeping. I know that if I load the dishwasher or try to handwash something in the sink it will wake my husband up. So I leave it.

      It sounds more like you have a miscommunication about how much time at home is expected. I saw an ad on TV for a website called twoofus.org. I glanced at it briefly and I remember one of the FAQs was “how much time is still mine after I have a wife and kid?” No solutions, just thoughts.

      • Lynnet

        This is really phenomonally minor in the long run, but putting a laundry basket in the bathroom has been a revelation for us. We now have one in both of the common places we take off our clothes, and it’s so much easier to make sure things get placed in the hamper when there are no intermediate steps to getting them there…

    • anyanon

      To Anonimos the OP – I also read this morning’s thread and I’m sorry you’re having problems. My feeling is – as others have said – it might be an issue with wanting to be the “man supporting wife/child” or a problem with bringing up old, unresolved issues from childhood or feeling like he can’t be a good parent. This is especially true given his niceness in public.

      I think only going to a counselor together is going to help, given his extreme level of avoidance. You are not going to be able to crack what ails him if he keeps up the running and hiding. It may take a threat of separation (him moving out) to do anything. A counselor may also get him get a physical to rule out brain tumor/other illness but given that his behaviour changes in public, I would venture to say on some level he’s doing it on purpose. Good luck.

    • Anon

      To Anonimos the OP – I also read this morning’s thread and I’m sorry you’re having problems. My feeling is – as others have said – it might be an issue with wanting to be the “man supporting wife/child” or a problem with bringing up old, unresolved issues from childhood or feeling like he can’t be a good parent. This is especially true given his niceness in public.

      I think only going to a counselor together is going to help, given his extreme level of avoidance. You are not going to be able to crack what ails him if he keeps up the running and hiding. It may take a threat of separation (him moving out) to do anything. A counselor may also get him get a physical to rule out brain tumor/other illness but given that his behaviour changes in public, I would venture to say on some level he’s doing it on purpose. Good luck.

  9. Anon this time

    I’ve interviewed twice with a small firm, and now they’ve asked me to prepare a writing sample on a topic of their choice! Woohoo!

    Question to those who hire – I’m probably pretty far along, right? They wouldn’t ask me to do this if they still had a big field of candidates, right?

    • National_Anthem

      I don’t hire, but I think they wouldn’t do this unless the pool was decently small, if only because they wouldn’t want to waste time reading a bunch of writing samples from people they didn’t think were a real possibility.

    • Ellen

      I do NOT want to DASH your hope’s unnecessariley, b/c they could be ON THE LEVEL, but I know a freind, Linda who interviewed for an INHOUSE position at a FORTUNE 500 company in Stamford and they made her write a memo on a topic that cleareley applied to their situeation. So my freind did alot of research and came up with a MEMO, that I helped her on. She was sure she must be on the short list, or mabye even was getting the job b/c there was SOME confiedential information given to her so that she could write a better memo. But FOOEY!!!! As it turned out, this Fortune 500 Company in STAMFORD, CONNECTEICUT (THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE), was just useing her to get some CHEEP LEGAL RESEARCH and free thought’s from her. She did NOT get the job, and as it turned out, they did NOT even have a job. They ONLEY brought her and a few other ladie’s in to PICK THEIR BRAIN’s, free, grattis–THAT WAS DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Then the lawyer who was supposedley lookeing to hire her, after telling her there was NO job, asked if she wanted to go out with him on a DATE?!!!! TRIPEL FOOEY! Linda of course DECLINED!!!!

      I told the manageing partner, and he said that he would NEVER accept any work from that Company. That may not mean that much, b/c they are in STAMFORD (and that is NOT in NY, and we are NOT licensed in Stamford, but still, I think it was very GALLANT a gesture of the manageing partner to swear off any busness from that Company, especially b/c it is a FORTUNE 500 Company. YAY!!!!!!

      • Anonymous

        You ask candidates to prepare writing samples on a topic you choose early on in the process?

  10. Baconpancakes

    I love these earrings!

    Also, I haven’t gotten around to unpacking my late fall/winter clothes yet, but have been shopping like a fiend. I finally dug into my clothes last night to get at a specific shirt I wanted to wear, when I discovered a grey V-neck sweater, and realized it was almost exactly like the sweater I had just decided to buy… *facepalm*

    Clearly I need to get off my tuchus and switch out my summer wardrobe before I end up buying clothes I already own.

    • Baby DC Attorney

      Yup. This is me. I dread my “closet transition” that happens two times a year, and almost always end up buying duplicate items before I do the dreaded transition because I’m so excited by the season’s clothes I see on sale!

  11. Famouscait

    Does anyone have any really know the ins-and-outs of FSA funds?

    Here’s my issue: I know from my previous pregnancy that my insurance doesn’t bill for any maternity care services until AFTER birth. (Unless you have a miscarriage, like I did. Then you receive bills super-fast with horrible descriptions on them. But I digress…) So if I got preggers again in say, April 2014, I wouldn’t get the first bill until February 2015. What FSA funds would cover this? My 2014 plan (while in the grace period until March 2015)? Or my official 2015 funds? Or both?

    Thanks to anyone who can help demystify this for me. Does anyone else smell Open Enrollment in the air…?

    • Anonymous

      You would use FSA funds based on the date of service (the appointment/test/hospitalization).

    • Mpls

      This is a really good question for your flex spending plan administrator, who can explain the ins and outs of your particular plan – but in general which funds get used is based on when the service was incurred, not when billed. If you have a grace period (by which I mean an additional amount of time beyond the plan year to INCUR the cost, not just additional time to submit the reimbursement request) for your 2014 plan, then you can use that for any qualified expense incurred during that 12+x month period. If the expense occurs in 2015, you can use your 2015 plan funds. If those times overlap, you can use either – although you’ll want to use the old money first, since the time limit will be up on that first.

      The trick with your situation may be getting the bill soon enough to submit for expenses.

      • mascot

        I’d also check with your OB’s office as to when they want you to make payment on your portion (co-insurance or whatever). Those payments are generally due several months ahead of your due date.

        • B

          A good OBs office will also likely work with you on this if you want to pay ahead or wait until the following year. Mine split up the large payment I had to make so half hit one FSA year and the other half the next.

  12. Cynthia

    Moving TJ: Does anyone have any tips for convincing a husband to move?

    I work at a place that takes 1.5 hours away, each way, in traffic while the husband works remotely (thanks SF Bay). I’m trying to get us closer to a place that is only 20-30 each way in traffic, but he’s dug in his heels and is trying to tell me how good our current place is.

    Rent will be more expensive in the new area, but I am expecting rent at our current complex to bump up another $100 next year for a studio, making it only a $300 to $400 a month to upgrade to a 1bed. He’s already given the thumbs up to the area … but it’s still not our current town. Head to wall.

    I’ve offered to save money for a moving company and brand new furniture (couple grand), but I’m not sure how else to entice him and it’s driving me crazy!

    • preg 3L

      I think you need to convince him that you’re miserable in your current situation, but you need to be open to compromise. The issue isn’t the apartment, the issue is the commute. Ask him how he suggests fixing that, since he’s unwilling to move.

    • anon

      What are the savings for transportation costs? If you move closer, I bet gas will be much cheaper, and it will wear out your car much less.

      Can you make arguments about the extra time that you will have together to do things? This part is a little confusing to me — doesn’t he want you to have an extra two hours per day, whether it means spending it with him or doing other things that make you happy or helping with more things around the house (assumed he was doing more now since he works from home).

    • Monday

      I don’t know that I see this as a matter of enticing so much as asking him for some empathy. You spend 3 hours per weekday commuting and he has no commute no matter where you live. I’d be focused on getting him to really feel that.

      Likewise, does he have factors in favor of staying where you are that you just don’t get? Or might not recognize? I’d ask. Then after a neutral exchange of views, see -together- if whatever he says can outweigh your continuing to commute that far.

      • Cynthia

        I have been asking but it repeatedly boils down to the place. Oh, it’s special, we’re at a beach, it’s a small town … etc.

        • Monday

          Sounds like those are reasons that won’t change–in other words, your commute could go on as long as your husband likes living in a small town by the beach. Back to my paragraph 1. If you simply can’t do it anymore, that’s valid.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Does he understand that, as things currently stand, he’s giving “living somewhere *special* that gives him the warm fuzzies” above your sanity, health, and safety? Is that seriously the guy he wants to be? The guy whose beach views trump his wife’s personal welfare?

          • Susedna

            As I read KKH’s neat summation of your husband being incredibly selfish, I realize that if I were a manga character, there’d be a pulsing vein on my forehead. He’s being kind of a jerk on this.

        • Anonymous

          So he’s putting your town above you, that’s great. Did you decide on where you would live BEFORE you got married? I mean this is pretty important. You are spending 3 hours (out of 24) in a car, on top of an 8-9hr workday. Do you have time to workout or do any hobbies during the week?

    • Anon

      If he can work remotely, then I’d say you budget for extra gas money for him for a month and tell him that he needs to get in his car in the morning and drive (in traffic) for 1.5 hours before he can start work. And then he needs to go for a second 1.5 hour drive in traffic in the evening after he finishes work. Agree not to discuss your commute for a month. See how long he takes to crack.

    • lia

      I think if he’s unwilling to move he needs to be willing to devote 2 hours a day to your happiness – essentially what you’d be doing for him by keeping your longer commute. Will he do all the chores? Cook dinner and clean every night? Is there two hours of things a day he could do for you to make your life easier? It only seems fair.

    • Anonymous

      Do the math for how much money you will save on gas if you move. Like figure out the exact figure. It will probably be over $100/month, depending on your mpg. I mean I can’t believe this is even a discussion. Does he want you to stay miserable? Spending 3 hrs a day commuting while he gets to work from home? How is that fair?

    • Cynthia

      OK, I’m not crazy. ;)

      I will be saving over $100 a month on gas, even more if I do public transit. He doesn’t want me to be miserable, does other chores for me while I’m out, and says he understands that commute sucks (he hates traffic with a passion) … but is still acting like a brat.

      That’s why I’m trying to find something that will get him to move. Moving is nothing to me, I’m a military brat, but he is not used to moving nearly as often.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        I’m a more flexible mover than my H as well, but have never had a problem convincing him to move (even from places he’s liked) when it’s what made sense for us in terms of finances and commuting time. I’d be profoundly concerned if I went to him, said “hey, my commute is draining the life-force from me,” and he said ” but you don’t understand, moving sucks and BEACHES” and thought that was actually a valid response.

        He *understands* your commute sucks, *understands* you’re completely miserable, has the freedom/ability to provide for you a life where your commute won’t suck and you won’t be miserable, and yet refuses to do anything to mitigate the situation, and you’re treating it like it’s a completely rational point of view and equally valid to your own. It ISN’T. “Hey, I hear you, your life sucks, but too freakin’ bad because I hate putting my belongings in boxes and paying someone to move them more than I care about your sucky life” is what I’m hearing. That’s NOT. OKAY. You shouldn’t be asking us for tips on how to bribe him into being a rational human being. You should be laying down the law.

        • Susedna

          +1 to laying down the law. This whole thing of cajoling him when you’ve reasonably laid out very good reasons to move makes it sound like he’s the emperor and you’re some courtier trying to cadge a favor off of him. You’re peers and partners and it’s high time he did his share in terms of being supportive.

      • hellskitchen

        Plan weekend trips to the area you want to move to. It seems like your husband is having a visceral reaction to giving up his home, the beach, perhaps a favorite coffee sop he likes to frequent. If he finds equally charming restaurants, shops and cafes in the new area that can be “his” then he might be more amenable to moving.

    • Bonnie

      Instead of trying to entice him, just say that you cannot do the 3 hour commute anymore because it is stressful, exhausting, etc.

    • Anon in NYC

      Where you currently live sounds like it would be a dream location for a lot of people. I can understand your husband’s reluctance to move. Is there an alternative that could fulfill the criteria of being near a beach and also making your commute easier? Moving up/down the coast?

      • Anon

        I tend to agree with this – my guess is you might be in Santa Cruz and commuting over the hill? There is a huge difference in “lifestyle” between the beach town and inland Silicon Valley. This could be really important to your DH (I know it would be to me) & I can see being hesitant to move. What about other alternatives, like renting a room from someone for a couple of nights a week so you don’t commute every day?

        • ExcelNinja

          I also guessed Santa Cruz, but even as much as I love Santa Cruz, I would absolutely not be willing to do that commute every day (my commute is a 10 minute bike ride and preserves my sanity most days…).

          There are some communities around with man-made(?) lakes or close to the Bay…I’m thinking Los Gatos, or Redwood Shores, San Mateo…what about one of those neighbourhoods? Half Moon Bay? Forgive me, I’m relatively new to the Bay Area, but just throwing some likely cities out there.

          Could you work from home 2 or 3 days out of 5?

        • LH

          Santa Cruz is nice but I can’t imagine asking a spouse to spend 3 hours a day, 5 days a week commuting, effectively lengthening their workweek by almost 40% (and that’s assuming she only works a 40-hour workweek – the commute is even worse if she works long hours). I could understand the reluctance to move if they owned property, but no rental can be that amazing that it isn’t worth it just to move and spend every weekend back in the old town. With the commute the way it is, its not like she’s spending any (waking) time there on weekdays anyway, so this is all about what he wants & he’s being unbelievably selfish. That said, I do know several people who commuted daily from Santa Cruz to Palo Alto (and vice versa) for years, but it was because of jobs in both places & a mutual desire of the couple to live in the same place – not the situation here at all!

  13. Maddie Ross

    Along the same lines as the other poster’s question about paring down Christmas presents, I too have a question about gift-giving. My husband’s family situation is a bit unique in that he has two younger siblings who are MUCH younger than he is. His mother is also a single mother and currently unemployed. The last few years, we’ve “carried” the holidays by purchasing the vast majority of his siblings presents. And sort of underwritten some of their general needs by getting gift cards to supplement. This year, we have our own little one for the first time and I just don’t think we can do it up quite as much as we have been (we’re not necessarily moving the spending from them to our LO as far as gifts, we just don’t have as much disposable income now with daycare and baby expesnes). How would you handle this? Would you continue to get them gift cards? Continue with gifts only? Ask specifically what they want/need and see if we can fulfill it? I really want them to have a good Christmas, but it’s hard to be their Santa at this point.

    • aBr

      Have you considered just giving your mother-in-law a check for Christmas and letting her decide what’s needed for presents and necessities? This was my grandparent’s solution. They always gave us one or two presents and gave my parents a check before the holidays to use for Santa presents, or in some years new tires. It worked well since they understood my parents used it for what they needed (and it was never wasted). Plus, my parents still got to go Christmas shopping.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I think if you have been doing this for years, you have set a precedent and you really need to have a talk with the mom before you decide “not this Christmas.” Christmas is less than 2 months away now so it may be too late for her to save and provide for her kids. Could you try to get other family members to also chip in? While you have no duty of course to take care of her kids, if you have been doing it for a long time and haven’t raised an issue after having your kid, then she probably isn’t expecting you to say “we can’t do this anymore.” Try to sit down and talk with her and see what she can do on her own this year with you still filling in the gaps and then let her know that next Christmas, she needs to find other help.

    • SoCalAtty

      Oh, I know how you feel! My brother is 11 years younger, and I was Santa starting when I was about 14. Just let the mom know things are tight with all the new baby expenses, and you need some guidance as to what is most important because you can’t do it all this time around. Still do little fun things for the siblings, but if the giftcards are important, do the giftcards.

      You would be shocked at how little can make kids happy from Santa!

  15. nice cube

    ick! a little mouse scurried in through the front door of my 4th floor apartment last night. we got him out, but im pretty sure he will be back. help! what to do?! i already emailed my landlord, but he will take his time. i need to act asap!

      • Maddie Ross

        Having mice is not necessarily tied to being messy. So don’t feel badly about that. If you have an opening you know about (gap in a baseboard, etc.) you can fill it with steelwool to keep the critters out.

        • tesyaa

          Mousetraps + closing any hole/vent or covering exterior vents with wire mesh (a handyman can do this). I have used the cheapest, old-fashioned spring traps and they are annoyingly difficult (and scary) to set, but they do work! You might find something more modern and user-friendly though.

          Once you get rid of the mice you currently have and close off any entryway, you are good to go.

    • Monday

      My brother and SIL “borrowed” a friend’s cat a few times, with success. Traps don’t always work IME. Sorry to say that no matter what you will probably need to deal with disposing of carcasses, so prepare mentally and make sure you have materials around to do it safely.

      • BB

        +1 to just getting a cat. That is what they were domesticated for after all. Plus, you know…kitty! :)

    • bridget

      Buy some traps on your way home from work today. Then give your apartment a deep clean – the fewer nooks and crannies that a rodent can hide in (and crumbs to nibble on) the less likely he is to stick around. Can you pet-sit a friend’s cat for a few days until your landlord gets an exterminator? I wouldn’t recommend adopting one of your own just for the sake of getting a mouser unless you’re also interested in a companion cat. Even if the cat isn’t big into hunting, just the smell around the area will keep vermin at bay until more permanent actions can be taken.

      • chilled coyote

        Mouse trap pro tip: use peanut butter and birdseed as bait (you can even hot glue birdseed on and they’ll still go for it), and put the trap inside an empty cracker box, like a wheat thin or triscuit box. Leave the box on the floor near where you’ve seen the mouse before, with the top open (lay the box on its side). Then when the trap is “full” you can just throw out the whole box and you don’t have to worry about germs / contamination.

        • a

          I found that mice will just lick the peanut butter off and escape unscathed, but if you tie a piece of hotdog to the trap, they jiggle it enough to get smacked.

      • MH

        Oooh, also go and get a bunch of those tupperware containers for your dry goods, like flour, rice, sugar, etc. That way you won’t have to throw it all out when you find chewed-through bags and boxes. I also got a hanging fruit rack, so my fruit wasn’t on the counter anymore.

  16. anon

    Please don’t get a cat just to deal with the mouse problem unless you’re also planning on caring for the cat long-term. I have a friend who got a cat to deal with mice, and while she feeds it and cleans its box, she basically ignores the poor thing.

    Also please don’t get the sticky traps or poison; either get the live traps (and then release the mouse in a nearby park) or get the ones that kill the mouse cleanly. The sticky ones and the poison are so, so cruel.

    • NOLA

      My ex and I lived in a ground floor apartment. There was a rat (not a mouse – a large rat) between the ceiling of our apartment and the floor of the apartment above. It was trying to eat through the ceiling of our pantry during the night. I could hear it chewing the sheetrock. He put glue traps up in between the ceiling and the floor then left town. Told me to call his brother if I heard the rat screaming. Yeesh.

    • k-padi

      Or get a cat who isn’t overly social. My female cat is a great hunter of bugs and small things. but she just doesn’t like to play or be petted. she will sit on my lap if its cold but is happy without further interaction. A good rescue would be happy to get one of their less adoptable cats into a good home

    • Monday

      My suggestion was to “borrow” a cat. Obviously I don’t think anyone should permanently adopt a pet that they won’t properly care for.

      • AIMS

        I’ve lent my cat on more than one occasion for this very reason. They scent the space someone and mice just stay away. FWIW, I have always had cats and have never seen a mouse anywhere in my house.

        And please don’t use inhumane traps. It’s just so needlessly cruel. (And, yes, cats are probably cruel to mice too, but at least there’s hope mice will just smell the cat and go away).

    • Silvercurls

      +1 re no glue traps!

      +1,000 to NOLA’s YEESH re the rat. (I think I’d move out without leaving a forwarding address.)

      There’s a brand of mouse traps that kills them, pardon the expression, quite quickly and I hope painlessly. You bait it with peanut butter but if that’s a problem you could probably use something else tasty (cheese, sunflower seed butter…). The traps can in theory be re-used (dispose of the mouse, then wash and reset) but I just replace them. As long as you stay calm and dispassionate, you can scoop up the entire trap and contents using two paper plates and just drop it into the trash. Yes, mice are adorable-looking but they carry diseases and dirt.

      After my building manager told me that mice like to nest amidst cardboard boxes, I purged the kitchen and put almost everything into plastic storage boxes. Next project: doing the same with photos and paper files in other rooms. I found containers that were low enough, even with the lids on, to fit into the cutlery drawer. Kitchen junk (pencils, stamp, tape, paper clips) went into some small accessory boxes from the Container Store and several plastic pencil cases from Staples; cooking utensils, into shoebox-sized plastic boxes; grocery staples into a series of variously sized boxes that I tucked on top of the cabinets or stacked in a corner on top of a plastic milk crate. Table cloths are still waiting to be put into plastic IKEA storage bins. The items that best fit our space and budget came from Target and the local hardware store.

      Good luck. Rodent visitors are NOT fun.

      • NOLA

        The house was a beautiful old home on St. Charles and his mother owned it. LOL. Because we were at ground floor, it got in. We never did catch it. I saw it running across a nearby street (I think) a few days later. But the gnawing woke me up in the middle of the night!

        • Silvercurls / Update re Mouse Trap brands

          NOLA, I don’t know how you STAYED in bed after being woken up by the gnawing.

          For the mouse trap, search online or go to www (dot) jteaton (dot) com

          For boa constrictors, I have no idea. Snakes R Us? www (dot) SHRIEK (dot) com? BTW these are entirely fictional web sites. No offense to the herpetologists or other snake lovers among us.

      • Silvercurls / Update re Mouse Trap brands

        The brand is JT Eaton; the product is the JAWZ mouse trap. Warning: don’t keep reading if you are squeamish. The trap is a spring-triggered device that sinks plastic “teeth” into the mouse’s body instead of just slamming a spring-triggered piece of metal (sort of like a hairtrigger clothespin) down onto the mouse’s neck or whichever other body part(s) prompts the mechanism into its deadly release. I chose this style deliberately, because the hardware store staff said that there was less chance of having mouse blood splashing around. Sorry, but I warned the sqeamish people to stop reading!

        In case anyone is wondering: I’m not usually in favor of inflicting cruelty to animals, but I deliberately decided not to use humane (catch and release) traps because my other responsibilities leave me no spare time or energy to drive trapped mice to a safe, distant location for release. I’m also not in favor of addressing a public health problem with half-measures and we already have too many mice living in urban areas! Finally, family allergies prohibit borrowing or adopting a cat.

        Comic relief:
        1. I can STOP a scream (at the sight of a mouse) once it has begun, but cannot prevent myself from starting to scream in the first place. Of course this is ridiculous since I’m about 800 times larger than the mouse!

        2. When things were at their worst (multiple mouse sightings per day) I muttered about adopting a boa constrictor but decided the solution would be worse than the problem. Snakes are slithery and long enough to coil around the furniture, and what if they decide to start eating other critters besides mice…such as PEOPLE?! More YEESH, complete with Ellen caps.

    • AIMS

      Yes, as long as it’s not too short on you – I think the high neckline plus above the knee length can render it a bit more casual than you need for black tie. Agree on the sparkly accessories.

  18. Wildkitten

    I know this is late – I’ll repost tomorrow if nobody replies. Ladies were saying the Costco dog food is just as good as expensive dog food. Is it the same for cat food? Inquiring kittens would like to know. TYIA.

    • Myf

      I imagine so?
      I’ve never bought cat food from Costco, but my rule of thumb is always to check the ingredients–first ingredient should be a named protein, not corn or meat meal, any grains should be below the 3-4 ingredient and the magnesium content should be low. If it meets those, it’s usually fine, it’s just a matter of whether the inquiring kittens will actually eat it.

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